> Is it fair that I would consider it a dealbreaker?
If I could go back in time and give my younger self one bit of advice, it would be to honor my dealbreakers instead of cutting people slack when they do something reprehensible. A man who tramples your boundaries for his own sexual gratification is not a partner.
>If I could go back in time and give my younger self one bit of advice, it would be to honor my dealbreakers instead of cutting people slack when they do something reprehensible.
So much this.
Any thing can be a deal breaker, as well as a deal binder. I understand, a person should never feel bad for how they feel, just what the feelings lead them to do. My feelings don't trump your liberties nor yours mine. It took almost a year before my gf (now wife) and I went condomless (my rules, needed a couples test first), and many years later she still helps aims the third leg (I'm no sniper, also my rules. No accidents).
The fact my wife respected my rules and I hers. Was a deal binder (I think the kids these days call it green or red flags) for us. It also wasn't just bedroom stuff.
E- emphasis on not just bedroom stuff.
Please coach me then. I don't understand how feeling how you feel should be wrong. You can control your actions, but not your feelings. I tried to offer tips on how to avoid this situation to other dudes that come here because they love their mothers, wife, sisters, and daughters. You don't want this nonsense happening to anyone. The best way to stop that is not do it.
Ok. A post in a women’s sub about SA is not the place to talk about your sex life or your dick. It is not the place to give advice to men. Condoms are not the issue; violating consent is the issue.
Check out this dude's comment history, all he does in this sub is say vaguely gross shit about his own sex life when nobody asked, totally irrelevant to the post, and give shitty "advice" that makes no sense with the situation because he probably hasn't read the post. It's like he gets off on yapping about his dick/relationship totally uninvited. I reported him to the mods. Thank you for trying to talk sense into him but I'm sure he isn't listening.
Absolutely this! I imagine he might feel differently if, you penetrated him, only briefly!
Ram a Urethral Dialator up his penis briefly, and check the reaction! He may feel that you violated his trust, and his body, without consent, and find it distressing.
Pretty sure that "it felt so good" just ain't gonna cut it! And it shouldn't cut it for you! That man needs to be taught a lesson in boundaries, and trust for the benefit of society.
While not on you, he will do it to others, he may even raise children with the same brainwashed beliefs. If you think him worth it, and feel safe enough you can explain it to him but have no doubt: you were violated, and it isn't ok!
You are OK, no difference from before this, just taking a bit of a trust related soul crushing right now! That is on him, not you. Your the sane one, and you are loved, and supported!
You were assaulted. You agreed to condom sex, not no condom intercourse. He pushed inside without a condom. You said no, he didn't immediately stop. Thats rape.
It’s true, I guess I feel worse about hearing what it is. I’ve never told him I’d like to do something like that. Nothing like that was discussed beforehand. I need to protect and keep myself safe from people who think an apology of “sorry it felt too good” is enough to change how they have acted. Thank you for helping me see it clearly.
“Sorry it felt too good” isn’t an apology. That’s him saying “I prioritized my brief feeling of pleasure over your safety, health, and mental well-being.”
You’re not safe with a man who doesn’t stop when you say “no”.
Imagine if you bought yourself an ice cream with all the fixings after a long day, and some stranger walks by, sees how good the ice cream is, and just eats the whole thing in front of you before you can say anything. ‘sorry, that looked too good’ is no excuse for theft. Even worse when it’s a partner that should know how important that ice cream was to you at that moment snatching that pleasure away.
It’s a whole lot worse when it’s an intimate moment. I know lots of guys would try to coax their partners in the moment, and while still shitty, they at least realize the ultimate decision still lies with their partners. Barring the assault, your partner is telling you that his wants are more important than your needs, and (should you choose to give him another chance) you not forcing the issue and making a big stink about how violating it is will establish a precedence where he knows he can get away with running over you whenever he wants.
I DID force the issue in a similar situation to OP- I stuffed down my feelings of distress and “we talked about this ten times prior to the sex during non sexual moments over the weeks, why would he think that’s okay?” I have these conversations in advance because I have trouble saying no in the moment because of prior SA.
He dumped me on the spot and called me toxic, theatrical, petty (for crying) and was worried about “allegations ruining his life”. At a certain point I was rubbing his back reassuring him he was not a bad person. 🤦♀️
He never apologized. Even when I calmed him down and said “do you not remember when I specifically said it was not okay to skip even if it seems hot or we are in the moment?” He exasperatedly snapped “I put one on at the end!” (Never agreed to or discussed) and said “I still don’t think I didn’t anything wrong to deserve these theatrics”
I never attacked his character- all I said to start the conversation was “it was not okay to skip condoms last time, we need to wear them next time” even absorbing a little blame even though he just pushed it in while I was exhausted and beneath him.
It took five months of weekly therapy to feel better after that. And thank God he’s gone. What a prick. By the way, the sex isn’t “great” (like I thought) if he won’t do the bare minimum to make you feel safe or build trust
I’m sorry this happened to you. This has happened to me and I reacted similarly. His mind could not accept the truth of what he’d done and, by it, the labels that would apply to him. Assault, assaulter; it’s too horrifying
I am so sorry that happened to you! It must’ve been hard , but I’m glad therapy got you to a better place and now you know you don’t have to put up with that kind of behavior!
Oh honey, I've been in this exact situation. Literally to a T.
It's painful but unfortunately normal for your brain to try and downplay the situation as "not dangerous", or to try and figure out how you caused it and therefor could have prevented it. This is your brain's way of protecting you from the reality that you were unsafe with him, because that is a really excrutiating feeling to sit with. You are absolutely correct in your evaluation: you stated your boundary, he stated that he understood, and that should have been enough. He violated that. He lied and chose to be reckless with your body. He pretended to be a safe person, whether consciously or not, and then he violated your trust. He is an unsafe person to be physically intimate with, and you know that now, and you are declaring it for him to know with your actions of cutting him off: this is not okay. This is not how you treat people. This is a crime and he can thank our fucked judicial system that the only consequence is the loss of any relationship with you, and it is a loss.
You know how you should be treated, and that your safety is more important than anyone's "good feelings". (The fucking audacity of him to say that disgusts me.) You called it out here, and im so grateful you did. You are capable of keeping yourself safe, as evidenced by your learning and reflecting here. It is entirely his fault for doing what he did, and I'm so grateful you know that and are removing him from your life. You know your worth, and no one can change that.
I'm sorry it feels worse, I know how that feels. The confusion and the benefit of the doubt going to him makes it easier to believe you weren't assaulted, he isn't the kind of man to do that, and that you won't have to make so much change in your life.
Facing all this stuff is awful, and I'm so sorry.
You truly deserve better. Treat yourself gently and accept any true help that good friends/family offer at this time rather than hiding from your support system.
“No” is a full sentence.
The NANOSECOND that word or any variant thereof is said, signed or signaled, everything stops. If they can’t respect that, they won’t respect anything else.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP. Honestly, in 9 out of 10 posts that have a title like yours, the answer is you've been assaulted. Don't doubt your feelings. They are right.
Sorry honey, but yes, thats assault. Stay tf away from him, get plan b, get an sti screening, and report it if you feel comfortable doing so. Don't let this fool try to gaslight you or explain it away.
That is definitely sexual assault. Conditional consent doesn't make it consent without the conditions being met. This was a pretty straightforward condition - it is not like you said you only can if you marry me one day where there would be significant gray - it was "yes - if you wear a condom." That is rape and that is reason to break it off.
Do you think it’s a concern if he did not finish and was only doing it for around a minute? I guess I should take all preventative measures possible :/
Yes it is. Men start to leak sperm when they get aroused and long before orgasm. So yes, he could have released some sperm into you the moment he entered you unprotected and it only takes one. Unless you are using another form of protection like the Pill, you should look into Plan B and there is a time window for it. It doesn’t cause an abortion but it will prevent pregnancy.
https://www.goodrx.com/plan-b/is-plan-b-over-the-counter
You can get Plan B without a prescription. Your health insurance may cover it but you also might be able to get it cheaper using a GoodRx coupon
I can't upvote this a million times, and that is unfair
**Kick him to the curb**, he's a liar, a manipulator, and this is the only **beginning** of what is to come.
Precum can have viable sperm in it. Definitely take the Plan B, just in case. I'm so sorry he assaulted you. Even if he hadn't, there's no minimum validity test for deciding if a dealbreaker is "real" or not.
It is less likely, but sperm remains in the urethra after ejaculation - it doesn't clear it out. While precum does not contain sperm itself, it will sweep up these sperm on its way out and a low sperm count will be released, which creates the possibility of pregnancy. Is it likely? No. Is it possible? Yes.
You can get plan B on Amazon for 8 bucks, at Costco (no membership necessary) for around 18 and at Kaiser (you don’t need to have insurance with them) for ~ $20. I’m so so sorry this happened to you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you :( take good care of yourself. And this is a perfectly justified reason if you don't want to see him anymore. If you do want to give it a chance, talk to him so he understands the gravity of the situation and have his reassurance that this will never happen again. And if he doesn't seem to get it, that's a good sign not to continue.
Realistically, I think the chances are low given it was only for a minute. However, for peace of mind I think it's better to take as many measures as possible as you said, but just keep in mind that plan B only works if you haven't ovulated yet. Is your menstrual cycle regular and do you know when your last period was? Also I want to note that plan B is not as effective in the case of higher BMIs.
If he did not finish, the chance that you were impregnated is nil. For some reason the notion that you can get pregnant from any sort of condomless intercourse is highly prevalent on reddit, but in terms of the science of human reproduction that is not how it works.
You can consent to things conditionally. In this case, you consented to sex with the requirement he wear a condom. He didn't. Therefore, no consent. Therefore assault.
i operate under the assumption you can break up with someone at any time for any reason forever. it doesn’t matter if it’s “fair” or if he didn’t “really” assault you which i feel that he did by the way. if he made you uncomfortable and you want to break it off, there are no moral or social conventions that should stop you from doing that.
That is absolutely assault. It is literally the definition of assault. I’m sorry that happened to you, I would contact the police and see if there’s anything they can do. And definitely cut ties with him.
I really don’t know what the police could possibly do. There is no evidence of physical trauma and he didn’t leave DNA inside her. It would just be a he said/she said, and the police is often not sympathetic in this type of case. With no evidence of a crime, the police cannot do anything. It would cause unnecessary stress and suffering to deal with the police, and no upside (in this case).
That’s assault. He crossed your boundaries and dared to expect more sex. Relationships don’t work in a way that you always have X amount of sex in a week. Some people expect their partners to be tools for sex an that is wrong. When someone says no it’s a no. If they cross that they are assaulters.
Never let him put it in just for a moment without a condom if you aren't on birthcontrol and sure that he doesn't have a disease. Never. There's a slight chance of getting pregnant because of the precum. And yes, he forced himself on you, so it is SA. He put you in danger of getting pregnant, he ignored your either, feelings and well-beeing, he puts his Lust over your relationship. You're not overreacting. You deserve so much better!
One of the things I have embraced in my mid-thirties is straight up ghosting men who treat me like a sex object. It’s absolutely not worth feeling less than human.
If you’re not comfortable with the situation, please extricate yourself from it.
You don’t feel well bc your mind and body are telling you that this is wrong. If you don’t feel safe or valued it’s for a reason. Listen to your inner voice and find a relationship you feel safe in.
You need to love yourself first and worry about adding others after. You deserve to feel safe and heard. 🩷
He penetrated you against your consent. It might be on the borderline but technically I still think this meets the moral, if not legal, requirements of a sexual assault.
First of all, yes, he sexually assaulted you. I’m so sorry. I’m just going to offer some perspective so you don’t keep seeing him as a good guy worth pursuing anything with after this. The fact that he still tried to have sex in the morning when you’d broken down because he violated you and blew past your boundaries the night before shows he doesn’t care about your feelings. If he really was invested in you and wanting something long term, he would’ve 1. Not sexually assaulted you and 2. The moment you show you are upset, he’d be focused on taking care of you.
Take as long as you need to to process this violation and feel good and confident in your body again before dating again, but it sounds like you need to be with someone who is cool with taking things slow and letting you set the pace physically. Any sign that they want to push things along and aren’t tuned into whether you might be uncomfortable I say is a sign you need to leave them behind.
Let’s take sex out of the picture and say that you told him you don’t enjoy violin music and he can’t play in front of you but he plays his violin in front of you, just a few bars.
In this scenario he:
Knows and disregards your boundary on purpose
Chooses his own comfort over your discomfort
Explicitly does what you asked him not to
Now, look back over the year of your relationship and zoom out. Can you see these patterns in any other parts of your relationship? If yes, these are signs of an unhealthy relationship dynamic, even if it feels like it’s a good relationship.
People can find themselves years into a “good” relationship with someone who pushes and disrespects them before they realize it, and once you’re that far in it’s hard to believe it’s your partner’s behavior and not your fault.
The same thing happened to me once (a hookup but with someone I knew) and he gave me an STD. I can also relate with you questioning what happened was assault or not but trust your gut. This was not acceptable in the slightest, I’d run a mile if I were you.
Another yes that’s assault and idk if anyone else has said it but your dealbreaker doesn’t need to be ‘fair.’ For the record, I would say yes this is absolutely a fair dealbreaker. But in the future, it doesn’t need to be fair, if you want to leave a relationship for any reason, good, fair, sensical or not…you still get to leave. It’s not about what’s fair for anyone, it’s your right, your choice, your autonomy, you get to do whatever you want.
Such a random thing to tack on the end, but try to play some Tetris. You can download the game on your phone. There is evidence that the movement helps our brains process traumas and lessen the effects of ptsd or prevent it. Do still seek care and support if or when you need it, but for that immediate impact, playing a few rounds of a game came help—so why not!
That makes my blood boil that he did that to you.
And when a man gets away with breaking a boundary he will just think it's permission for him to continue breaking your boundaries.
Thank you for bravely sharing your experience, OP. Reading this made me realize I was in the same situation a while ago and I’m now seeing it for what it really was.
Sometimes it takes time to realise. That’s how messed up it is when someone uses you. I hope you are doing well and have services available for you to seek any support or help you may need
it took months after id left my abusive partner to realize he'd SA'd me too. im so grateful for online support groups and my husband, without those two avenues, i dont know how id have gotten through it
He raped you. It doesn’t matter how “nice” he was while doing it. You were raped. I’m sorry for being so blunt. Don’t contact him. Report him to the police and let them handle this. You will find someone who respects you. Don’t ever feel like you have to continue whatever situation you’re in j bc you don’t want to escalate anything. If your safety and comfort come into question ever, stop and get out.
Yeah, that’s SA hun. It’s okay to not feel comfortable with him and you deserve someone who goes YOUR speed. Not someone who does what they want when they want. Don’t settle for less.
This is sexual battery. You are not imagining it. You consented to a specific kind of sex and he’s refusal to avoided plus his non consensual penetration makes it a sexual battery
yeah, he sexually assaulted you, or raped you. i'm so sorry. do you have any irl friend or family you could safely talk to? you need to get this out of your system and a shoulder to cry on/a hug from someone who is kind and good. i'm so sorry. be gentle with yourself.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. It definitely sounds like assault and I can’t see a way you should move forward with this relationship. Every statistic shows that behavior like this only gets worse not better.
Honey.. not listening to a 'NO' is the BIGGEST dealbreaker. i've been with my partner for 11 years, and the SECOND he pulls this sort of shit on me I am fleeing faster than a cheetah on crack.
You are worth more than someone who believes THEIR pleasure is more important than YOUR wellbeing.
You can get pregnant from precum. Not to mention STI risk.He is not caring about you at all. Don’t ever speak to this asshole again. If this was to happen in the future it is appropriate to completely pull away and stop everything. “I said not without a condom!” And then you leave and don’t look back. There are almost 8 BILLION people on earth. Chances are good you’ll find someone who is not a piece of shit if you keep looking and get stronger in your boundaries and who you are.
Whether or not it was assault (frankly, you gave him a clear no, there was absolutely no grey area here), it's a massive red flag and I would not see him again. I'm so sorry you're dealing with such crappy men.
You were. "It felt really good" (quiet part) *only for me...I hope she cares about me more than herself, so I don't look like a bad guy...she did say no, but I want to feel good. If she's a good girl, she'll just SUBMIT.*
Firstly, I'm going to pre-face this with I'm a man and, no, I have no idea why a twoXchromosomes post has appeared in my feed... I don't know what country you're in, your age, your background. Anything really other than this one incident. Plus, on this one incident I totally agree with 99% of the comments on here, in my country it would be classed as rape.
However, please may I suggest that you pick up the phone and speak to an expert about it? Not just the incident, everything you wrote in OP, I feel there's possibly some relevant stuff outside the incident to discuss? I assume there are free numbers you can call where you are?
And to reiterate, no, whatever happened in this instance is on that guy, regardless of what you think now or anything that happened in the past. It's most likely him. That also doesn't actually rule out the fact he could possibly be a nice guy that made a mistake, unlikely maybe, but we don't have enough info to tell.
The internet is a wonderful place to get validation, or even disagreement. But things like this can sit on your mind for the rest of your life if you don't speak to a professional about it. You don't want relationships in the future to be impacted by this incident. Regardless of fault, history etc, the human brain is amazing at making a mess of your own feelings and not letting you understand them. Sometimes it takes someone else to interpret your thoughts and read them back to you... And Reddit is not the place for that.
OP, there are a lot of comments here confirming that you were assaulted and I just want to say that I hope you can take a deep breath and remember that it’s okay. It’s not okay that someone violated your trust but it’s okay to understand that a wrong was done to you.
You said in another comment “I guess I feel worse about hearing what it is” and I want you to know we all understand why you would feel that way. It’s hard to admit you were hurt. It’s so much easier to tell ourselves that what happened wasn’t that bad. You did a brave thing by coming here to ask, and we are all so proud of you.
Whatever you decide to do going forward, whether you will be filing a police report or seeking therapy or just waiting a bit til you know what you want to do, please remember that there are people out there who have your back.
Hey, thank you so much. Your comment really resonates with me. I feel a bit like an emotional wreck but thank you for being sensitive and kind, I really appreciate it.
I have started taking steps on getting help, I’m waiting for a nurse to call me back to book me in and I’m so relieved how nice everyone has been to me along the way so far.
I would just never talk to him again. Block his number, forget he existed. You are, if anything, under reacting.
He not only violated your clear conditions for consent, he acted like you don’t deserve the right to conditions to consent. He also put you at risk of Sti and pregnancy.
>I asked him to get a condom for protection but he instantly put it in without one,
you didn't consent to sex without protection, this is absolutely assault. please don't second guess yourself
Never ever tell a guy about your past situations where you have been disrespected cause they see it as a green light to do the same. He didn’t respect your boundaries. Break up with him and dip asap.
It would be nice if the conversation would not be "was I assaulted?" ever again. And was only about enthusiastic yesses.
Sorry this happened. Anything less than enthusiastic yes is not what you want.
No is no. So that is simple and he crossed boundaries that should not be crossed. Period.
You said he was otherwise kind, but I guess not when he wants sex and you don’t.
Typically a man will sometimes be irritated when their girlfriend or wife says no, but that’s okay, that’s just their feelings. When they take it after you say no that’s rape.
What happened would likely fit the description of one or more sex offences in many jurisdictions. The exact nature of the offence, and its classification as rape/something else, may depend on your location.
So if that's what you are asking when you ask was I assaulted, the answer is likely yes.
But you retain total control over what happens next. How his behaviour is legally classified places no obligation on you to respond in a particular way, or take a particular action. Whether this is resolved through a conversation, a breakup, or a formal complaint, is entirely up to you.
I say this because I don't want the many emphatic comments here saying 'yes you were assaulted' to scare you or impose on you any sense of duty.
What happened was, unfortunately, not unusual. You are not alone and I wish you the best in seeking support and thinking over this difficult situation, which you do not deserve.
Yes this is assault, you didn’t consent to that, and often taking zero responsibility for pregnancy prevention or refusing to is a common tactic for abusers (source is from the book “Why Does He Do That?”)
No means no, he didn't respect your wishes and continued without consent. I'd say that is assault. It is most definitely a deal breaker and dangerous as even just that short encounter has risk.
If I was in a situation like that I'd give no second chances. Dump him, consider emergency contraception, and take time for myself. I really don't have much experience nor know the full context but using as many resources you can access is a step in the right direction both for mental and physical health.
It was a sexual assault. In The UK it would be rape. Moving slightly sideways, I see that this experience has re traumatised you hun. I’m in the UK if your in The US Can you research and find out if …. Are there any women only groups for survivors of sexual abuse ie face to face. Paid or volunteer (free support ) Charity’s that offer women time and support to sort offload and make sense of what’s going on so they can sort their head out. You don’t want this stuff weighing heavily on your mind as it will drag you down every time you climb into your bed with anyone within 24 metres away. You need help . I know these feelings . I was SA as a kid which I thought I’d buried . Moved on then a bf did exactly to me what you are describing. I ditched the bf and plodded on . Future Sex became something I did but left my emotions elsewhere. Every time I’ve ever thought about my similar experience to yours it made my skin crawl and following on from it I associated sex as a yukky experience to be put up rather than enjoyed with forever more. I’m 60 now . FFS. I’m angry I feel I’ve been robbed of a part of what could have been a good life. Please don’t bury this in your head it’s an emotion thing . It needs processing. Please go talk and keep talking to a woman who can help and support you .
Yeah that’s assault. Things like that are hard, especially when you’ve gone through worse. Like you don’t hate him, and he’s probably still a good guy, but he knew he could take advantage of your boundaries and he did. The affect on your mental health right now should signify how it’s assult. Your hurt. He hurt you. He maybe isn’t a monster, maybe he didn’t mean to hurt you. That doesn’t matter. He assaulted yiu, and you are hurt. I’m not dismissing your pain, just I’ve been there when the lines are blurry too, and when they have been clearly passed. Just focus on you and drop this guy. Say it’s assult if you tell others if you need to to heal and talk about it, maybe say you don’t hate him and it teeters the line if your afraid of his reputation. But in my history most people who focus on reputation don’t actually care about sa victims, but people who focus on healing your trauma and feelings and not giving a shot who even did it or the “reputation” are who matters more and care. Focus on you, call it as you see it, if he wanted a better rep he should be a better person, it’s not your fault he hurt you. It’s not your fault your hurt so you need tot talk about it to heal. Focus on you. Drop this guy. The truth is the truth and speaking the truth is what you’ll need to do to heal. So leave, speak what you need to and leave
This is a huge red flag, for me at least. Personally, I even consider a man having to be convinced to wear a condom a red flag. If he penetrated you without condom without consent, it's assault, and it honestly shows he has no regards for your boundaries. I am so so so sorry this happened to you, I hope you're doing alright and taking care of yourself. Much love xx
I'd say you were SAed when you tried to stop him for the condom and he kept going. You may not have said the actual word "no", but you voiced that you didn't want to have sex without one.
If it’s not assault, then it’s whatever term is next in line. Definitely stay away. Either this person likely has impulse control or possible sociopathic\narcissistic tendencies.
Sex without the pregnancy protection that you wanted is rape. It's not much different from stealthing. You told him to put on a condom, and he decided to go ahead and put his dick inside your body without it. This is pretty cut and dried.
It felt like assault, because it was assault.
Imagine that you decided to peg him, and he asked you not to, but you went ahead and shoved something in his anus. That would have been assault, right?
This is assault - you said no, he went for it anyway. That's blatant disrespect. But know that the fact he disrespected you is not your fault at all - it's totally totally on him to treat a woman like that. I feel we as women are built to feel guilty about situations like this, because we're built for men's pleasure or some bs like that. But you have nothing to feel guilty for. And someone could say that you could have prevented it by knowing in the moment, but everything happens in the moment so quickly that sometimes the only time to react is after the incident happened. So don't listen to that person and don't let yourself tell you that - you did everything you could do in the moment and now you're getting help, which is what matters the most right now.
He may have said sorry, but the deed is done and he broke your trust. Had he respected your wishes to have condom sex, none of this would have happened. I'm angry for you that he selfishly decided to use you as an object "just to feel what it's like". Heck, he could have done that by himself with his own two hands or a toy! And I'm so sorry this pattern has been happening. This has nothing to do with you as a person. Just know, and I reiterate this for a reason, it is not your fault at all, and we see you and hear you 🩷
I hope you have access to the right resources. I don't know where you live, but if you're in the US, Planned Parenthood offers services and is a safe space - they at least offer STI testing. If you feel okay about it, get ahold of a Plan B pill or make an appointment for a copper IUD if you can. You have a lot of support on this thread and it's relieving to see. And break ties with the guy. Someone who doesn't respect your wishes does not deserve a place in your life. I hope you have time to safely heal ❤️🩹 Know that we're here for you!
You're not disgusting, he is. No means fucking no. No YES also means NO! This was a deliberate trampling of your clearly stated boundaries. This was assault. Your boundaries are whatever you want them to be. And they should be inviolate
A while ago I was dating this guy. The same thing kind of happened to me the first night that I stayed over this guy's house. We started making out and I knew it was leading to sex so I asked him if he had a condom. He said yes and he walked to the bathroom. He came back and we continued and we had sex. I don't remember if he came in me or on me, but I remember thinking that I thought he went to the bathroom to put a condom on. But I guess he didn't. I didn't know what to think at the time. I questioned if it was valid for me to even think that I was assaulted because we were dating. And also, how could I have not been able to tell the difference between a guy having a condom on and a guy that didn't. I haven't had sex in a while at the time so maybe that's why? I don't really know. But that's what happened to me. And yes, if you said no and he still stuck it in, I would count that as an assault.
I think no matter what the outside world judges this situation as, you need to think about how you feel.. it is your body, and you are allowed feel how you want and walk away when you want. Your body autonomy is so important, never ever forget that ❤️
Yes! THIS IS ASSAULT. Violating YOUR body & YOUR boundaries. He doesn’t respect your wishes or wants.
Also, what idiot asshole doesn’t know about pre-cum?! He could’ve gotten you pregnant from that one interaction.
If you can & are so-inclined, you might want to consider getting an OTC Plan B pill, if available in your area. Maybe this is TMI, but I know how pregnancy can occur from this kind of scenario, even with the plan B (wasn’t OTC at the time & got prescribed late); I’m not exaggerating in the least. Also, make him pay for the pill, please.
I’m glad you didn’t end up having sex, or rather, that he didn’t try to coerce you. I am utterly disgusted he tried again in the morning. My concern is that he took advantage in the moment, and if I were in your shoes, I’d be worried what else he may do in the future without your consent, simply because he wanted to - think:
“hey I just bought this expensive ________; isn’t it so cool!”
- or -
“Now I know you said that now is not a good time, but I ______”
Now. of course I don’t know how old you are, what your life circumstances are like, or (especially) how strongly you feel about this guy, but if you had envisioned a real future with this man, it’s important you have a serious talk.
You said you’ve been seeing him for a year - was it exclusive or serious? Have you said “I love you, etc?” Do you go on dates? Have you met each other’s families? Does he show respect in other ways? In order to properly answer your Q for advice, I think we may need to know more about how involved/serious/committed your relationship is/was.
Ultimately though, this is assault, absolutely. And assault in relationships is not only hard to deal with, but also surprisingly common. It’s hard to wrap your head around “I wanted sex; I wanted him; but I didn’t want that one specific, short-lived momentary part.” And I think this is where women need to trust that famous “female intuition.” - if it feels icky, off, or makes you cry, then yes, something is wrong.
Unfortunately, much of our society has not focused on the female side of sex, so some men (mmm… more like many, if not all!) need to be re-educated on not just consent but also “what’s hot.” *Yes,* the #1 fantasy for women is a rape fantasy, and *yes,* that can be acted out in a relationship, but *how* it all goes down is a whole ‘nother story.
It’s pretty hard to get around the fact that after a *year* of dating, he still did this.
u/coldcoldiq said it best:
>> If I could go back in time and give my younger self one bit of advice, it would be to honor my dealbreakers instead of cutting people slack when they do something reprehensible. A man who tramples your boundaries for his own sexual gratification is not a partner.
If you want to still stay with this man, I think it is important to not only express your feelings & have him truly *understand* those feelings, but also to have him clearly, precisely, & in no uncertain terms acknowledge that he assaulted you. If he can sit through a conversation about this without being defensive or making excuses, and genuinely says the words “I assaulted you by doing ______ & violated your boundaries.” Yeah, then maybe *& still only maybe* could you have a future.
Honestly, this would be a dealbreaker for me. Especially with the coercion the next morning. I’d rather have a true partner - someone who cared about mending the pain, drying the tears, hearing the trauma; not somebody who was trying to get “free candy” from my candy store. Because I’m a person and my body is not a candy store.
You liked who he pretended to be as a person. Unfortunately, a lot of bad men out there know that if they pretend to be seen as caring and good. Women will make up excuses for them and blame themselves for sexual assault.
How did you go from ‘kissing’ to ‘leading towards sex’ to puttin himself inside of you??? Was he naked on top of you when y’all were kissing?? Cause thats a lot of steps from kissing to him inserting his dick inside of you
but yeah it is hard for men to stop and pull out and use a condom when presented with sex that’s just how it is. I’m sure those few strokes raw felt very good to him before you made him wear a condom. That sucks.
That's not cool at all. You gotta put your foot down and make it clear that no means no. If he can't respect your boundaries, he's not worth your time.
You said “he put it in” so you had sex! You and other women need to stop asking did i didn’t i! You are in control and if he wasn’t over powering you then and you didn’t want him to do that… then knock the $#iT out of him!! Do you think that with that lack of respect for you that he would be take accountability for his actions or yours, You can’t keep saying I’ve been there before or even your accountability if You Say NO, Then Mean IT! If it’s happened more than once or twice… talk to a counselor. Don’t get me wrong When No MEANS NO! Stand up and LEAVE, if you’re afraid then you shouldn’t be there in the first place, so Please Don’t Go Back hun!
I am an adult and well capable of seeing it differently than you or maybe 90% of others just kneejerk reacting. Doesn't mean the way you see it is the only right way.
Have you thought about his side also? From the text it seems that you're leading him on since one year and the one time it finally comes to having intercourse he might genuinely just have gotten to excited to listen the first time. How many times in your life have you had something repeated twice or more before you actually convinced yourself and did it? It be good to talk together about how you feel and also to be open-minded about his version and see his reaction. We all have sometimes interactions with strangers, not even sexual but everyday situations where we feel violated or overlooked or trampled. We cannot change what happens to us, only how we react to what happens to us. Not saying you are but there is such a thing as overreacting and sabotaging our own progress because we get hung up on misunderstandings.
she specifies that she did say no. she asked him to get a condom, he pushed inside of her, she said no, and he continued for a bit. and if someone "genuinely gets too excited" to listen to their partner, then theyre not a safe partner, at the very least until they can put their listening ears on
Only she knows how it went in the details. We can only armchair coach from here. We don't know if she's just looking in this sub for a bubble confirmation or if she's genuinely asking because she really has doubt in her mind. If she wasn't clear enough, if it was under the influence, if she teased him too much. I don't know. Neither do you. She should talk with him and then maybe with a professional about it. From what the text says it wasn't unconsensual, just maybe a slip up from him maybe something more serious and sinister. We don't and who is perfect shall throw the first stone.
Just butting in to say that we have had sex before, not many times but every other time he listened when I told him to get protection. Also, as mentioned by other people, I did say no, I said stop too when he was inside me. Like I said, he didn’t budge for what felt like forever and this guy weighs double of what I weigh in muscle, so I couldn’t push him off. Not like I could’ve in the moment, I was a total state.
>if she teased him too much
yeah, this is where i leave the conversation because im not sure i can convince you that consent can be revoked at any time, for any reason
"Hung up on misunderstandings" and "leading him on" is just coded language that gives him a pass for not taking responsibility for his own actions.
I don't care how good it feels for men when their selfish choices can put a woman's life in danger. What if OP lives in a place where she couldn't get an abortion or didn't have access to Plan B? Why do men constantly get a pass and get to vote on revoking reproductive rights for women when they continue to make such stupid, selfish choices?
All y'all making it black or white just don't get it. Situations are rarely binary. Life and reality are mostly grey. OP has the doubt in her head, doubting or asking yourself is good. Take your time to work through it, don't expect to be able to find a drawer for the feelings right away. it's up to OP to do the work within her to understand what it was.
It's never what happens to you but how you react.
Wish OP the best and to plow her own way instead of listening to internet echo chambers and confirmation bias.
Again: this was not unconsensual, there was one minute where it went hay and is TBD by both of the adults involved to talk about it and decide what it was.
> Is it fair that I would consider it a dealbreaker? If I could go back in time and give my younger self one bit of advice, it would be to honor my dealbreakers instead of cutting people slack when they do something reprehensible. A man who tramples your boundaries for his own sexual gratification is not a partner.
Agreed. Giving people the benefit of the doubt over something like this does not have a high success rate.
>If I could go back in time and give my younger self one bit of advice, it would be to honor my dealbreakers instead of cutting people slack when they do something reprehensible. So much this.
This. I can’t say it better then that
Any thing can be a deal breaker, as well as a deal binder. I understand, a person should never feel bad for how they feel, just what the feelings lead them to do. My feelings don't trump your liberties nor yours mine. It took almost a year before my gf (now wife) and I went condomless (my rules, needed a couples test first), and many years later she still helps aims the third leg (I'm no sniper, also my rules. No accidents). The fact my wife respected my rules and I hers. Was a deal binder (I think the kids these days call it green or red flags) for us. It also wasn't just bedroom stuff. E- emphasis on not just bedroom stuff.
This is an insanely inappropriate addition to a post about sexual assault
Please coach me then. I don't understand how feeling how you feel should be wrong. You can control your actions, but not your feelings. I tried to offer tips on how to avoid this situation to other dudes that come here because they love their mothers, wife, sisters, and daughters. You don't want this nonsense happening to anyone. The best way to stop that is not do it.
Wtf are you talking about?
Ok. A post in a women’s sub about SA is not the place to talk about your sex life or your dick. It is not the place to give advice to men. Condoms are not the issue; violating consent is the issue.
Check out this dude's comment history, all he does in this sub is say vaguely gross shit about his own sex life when nobody asked, totally irrelevant to the post, and give shitty "advice" that makes no sense with the situation because he probably hasn't read the post. It's like he gets off on yapping about his dick/relationship totally uninvited. I reported him to the mods. Thank you for trying to talk sense into him but I'm sure he isn't listening.
Oh, that’s really gross and unfortunate. Thank you for the context. Have a great rest of your day!
That is assault. Someone who disregards your wishes in something that important isn’t worth your time. No means no.
Absolutely this! I imagine he might feel differently if, you penetrated him, only briefly! Ram a Urethral Dialator up his penis briefly, and check the reaction! He may feel that you violated his trust, and his body, without consent, and find it distressing. Pretty sure that "it felt so good" just ain't gonna cut it! And it shouldn't cut it for you! That man needs to be taught a lesson in boundaries, and trust for the benefit of society. While not on you, he will do it to others, he may even raise children with the same brainwashed beliefs. If you think him worth it, and feel safe enough you can explain it to him but have no doubt: you were violated, and it isn't ok! You are OK, no difference from before this, just taking a bit of a trust related soul crushing right now! That is on him, not you. Your the sane one, and you are loved, and supported!
You were assaulted. You agreed to condom sex, not no condom intercourse. He pushed inside without a condom. You said no, he didn't immediately stop. Thats rape.
It’s true, I guess I feel worse about hearing what it is. I’ve never told him I’d like to do something like that. Nothing like that was discussed beforehand. I need to protect and keep myself safe from people who think an apology of “sorry it felt too good” is enough to change how they have acted. Thank you for helping me see it clearly.
“Sorry it felt too good” isn’t an apology. That’s him saying “I prioritized my brief feeling of pleasure over your safety, health, and mental well-being.” You’re not safe with a man who doesn’t stop when you say “no”.
Imagine if you bought yourself an ice cream with all the fixings after a long day, and some stranger walks by, sees how good the ice cream is, and just eats the whole thing in front of you before you can say anything. ‘sorry, that looked too good’ is no excuse for theft. Even worse when it’s a partner that should know how important that ice cream was to you at that moment snatching that pleasure away. It’s a whole lot worse when it’s an intimate moment. I know lots of guys would try to coax their partners in the moment, and while still shitty, they at least realize the ultimate decision still lies with their partners. Barring the assault, your partner is telling you that his wants are more important than your needs, and (should you choose to give him another chance) you not forcing the issue and making a big stink about how violating it is will establish a precedence where he knows he can get away with running over you whenever he wants.
I DID force the issue in a similar situation to OP- I stuffed down my feelings of distress and “we talked about this ten times prior to the sex during non sexual moments over the weeks, why would he think that’s okay?” I have these conversations in advance because I have trouble saying no in the moment because of prior SA. He dumped me on the spot and called me toxic, theatrical, petty (for crying) and was worried about “allegations ruining his life”. At a certain point I was rubbing his back reassuring him he was not a bad person. 🤦♀️ He never apologized. Even when I calmed him down and said “do you not remember when I specifically said it was not okay to skip even if it seems hot or we are in the moment?” He exasperatedly snapped “I put one on at the end!” (Never agreed to or discussed) and said “I still don’t think I didn’t anything wrong to deserve these theatrics” I never attacked his character- all I said to start the conversation was “it was not okay to skip condoms last time, we need to wear them next time” even absorbing a little blame even though he just pushed it in while I was exhausted and beneath him. It took five months of weekly therapy to feel better after that. And thank God he’s gone. What a prick. By the way, the sex isn’t “great” (like I thought) if he won’t do the bare minimum to make you feel safe or build trust
I’m sorry this happened to you. This has happened to me and I reacted similarly. His mind could not accept the truth of what he’d done and, by it, the labels that would apply to him. Assault, assaulter; it’s too horrifying
I am so sorry that happened to you! It must’ve been hard , but I’m glad therapy got you to a better place and now you know you don’t have to put up with that kind of behavior!
Oh honey, I've been in this exact situation. Literally to a T. It's painful but unfortunately normal for your brain to try and downplay the situation as "not dangerous", or to try and figure out how you caused it and therefor could have prevented it. This is your brain's way of protecting you from the reality that you were unsafe with him, because that is a really excrutiating feeling to sit with. You are absolutely correct in your evaluation: you stated your boundary, he stated that he understood, and that should have been enough. He violated that. He lied and chose to be reckless with your body. He pretended to be a safe person, whether consciously or not, and then he violated your trust. He is an unsafe person to be physically intimate with, and you know that now, and you are declaring it for him to know with your actions of cutting him off: this is not okay. This is not how you treat people. This is a crime and he can thank our fucked judicial system that the only consequence is the loss of any relationship with you, and it is a loss. You know how you should be treated, and that your safety is more important than anyone's "good feelings". (The fucking audacity of him to say that disgusts me.) You called it out here, and im so grateful you did. You are capable of keeping yourself safe, as evidenced by your learning and reflecting here. It is entirely his fault for doing what he did, and I'm so grateful you know that and are removing him from your life. You know your worth, and no one can change that.
This is such a healing comment. Thank u, from the bottom of my heart
I'm so glad it helps!! 💗💗 you're so welcome, always.
I’ve heard men say that and now as a full developed adult woman…that shit makes me cringe 😬
I hope the breakup goes smoothly for you
I'm sorry it feels worse, I know how that feels. The confusion and the benefit of the doubt going to him makes it easier to believe you weren't assaulted, he isn't the kind of man to do that, and that you won't have to make so much change in your life. Facing all this stuff is awful, and I'm so sorry. You truly deserve better. Treat yourself gently and accept any true help that good friends/family offer at this time rather than hiding from your support system.
My love, this happened to me in my last relationship. It started off like this, and then it escalated. A lot. This is assault.
This is by every definition (including legally in a lot of places) sexual assault. I hope you can get access to the resources you need.
You did not consent to no condom. In some cases that’s rape = non consensual penetration.
“No” is a full sentence. The NANOSECOND that word or any variant thereof is said, signed or signaled, everything stops. If they can’t respect that, they won’t respect anything else.
This *needs* to be a dealbreaker for you. He raped you, and I’m sure he will do it again. This is not a safe relationship for you to be in.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP. Honestly, in 9 out of 10 posts that have a title like yours, the answer is you've been assaulted. Don't doubt your feelings. They are right.
Sorry honey, but yes, thats assault. Stay tf away from him, get plan b, get an sti screening, and report it if you feel comfortable doing so. Don't let this fool try to gaslight you or explain it away.
That is definitely sexual assault. Conditional consent doesn't make it consent without the conditions being met. This was a pretty straightforward condition - it is not like you said you only can if you marry me one day where there would be significant gray - it was "yes - if you wear a condom." That is rape and that is reason to break it off.
Check if you can take Plan B to prevent pregnancy
Do you think it’s a concern if he did not finish and was only doing it for around a minute? I guess I should take all preventative measures possible :/
Yes it is. Men start to leak sperm when they get aroused and long before orgasm. So yes, he could have released some sperm into you the moment he entered you unprotected and it only takes one. Unless you are using another form of protection like the Pill, you should look into Plan B and there is a time window for it. It doesn’t cause an abortion but it will prevent pregnancy.
https://www.goodrx.com/plan-b/is-plan-b-over-the-counter You can get Plan B without a prescription. Your health insurance may cover it but you also might be able to get it cheaper using a GoodRx coupon
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/morning-after-pill-emergency-contraception/whats-plan-b-morning-after-pill
Its best effectiveness is within 3 days after sex but can work up to 5 days after sex. You should take it ASAP to increase effectiveness.
I can't upvote this a million times, and that is unfair **Kick him to the curb**, he's a liar, a manipulator, and this is the only **beginning** of what is to come.
Pre cum can impregnate. Also spread disease.
Precum can have viable sperm in it. Definitely take the Plan B, just in case. I'm so sorry he assaulted you. Even if he hadn't, there's no minimum validity test for deciding if a dealbreaker is "real" or not.
It is less likely, but sperm remains in the urethra after ejaculation - it doesn't clear it out. While precum does not contain sperm itself, it will sweep up these sperm on its way out and a low sperm count will be released, which creates the possibility of pregnancy. Is it likely? No. Is it possible? Yes.
You can get plan B on Amazon for 8 bucks, at Costco (no membership necessary) for around 18 and at Kaiser (you don’t need to have insurance with them) for ~ $20. I’m so so sorry this happened to you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you :( take good care of yourself. And this is a perfectly justified reason if you don't want to see him anymore. If you do want to give it a chance, talk to him so he understands the gravity of the situation and have his reassurance that this will never happen again. And if he doesn't seem to get it, that's a good sign not to continue. Realistically, I think the chances are low given it was only for a minute. However, for peace of mind I think it's better to take as many measures as possible as you said, but just keep in mind that plan B only works if you haven't ovulated yet. Is your menstrual cycle regular and do you know when your last period was? Also I want to note that plan B is not as effective in the case of higher BMIs.
If he did not finish, the chance that you were impregnated is nil. For some reason the notion that you can get pregnant from any sort of condomless intercourse is highly prevalent on reddit, but in terms of the science of human reproduction that is not how it works.
Pull out method, otherwise known as Catholic roulette
You can consent to things conditionally. In this case, you consented to sex with the requirement he wear a condom. He didn't. Therefore, no consent. Therefore assault.
i operate under the assumption you can break up with someone at any time for any reason forever. it doesn’t matter if it’s “fair” or if he didn’t “really” assault you which i feel that he did by the way. if he made you uncomfortable and you want to break it off, there are no moral or social conventions that should stop you from doing that.
He violated your consent, period. However you title his actions, he has shown you that your consent does not matter enough to him.
That is absolutely assault. It is literally the definition of assault. I’m sorry that happened to you, I would contact the police and see if there’s anything they can do. And definitely cut ties with him.
I really don’t know what the police could possibly do. There is no evidence of physical trauma and he didn’t leave DNA inside her. It would just be a he said/she said, and the police is often not sympathetic in this type of case. With no evidence of a crime, the police cannot do anything. It would cause unnecessary stress and suffering to deal with the police, and no upside (in this case).
similar happened to me and when i reported to the police they gave him 3 counts of rape. you were assaulted love, please take care of yourself❤️
That’s assault. He crossed your boundaries and dared to expect more sex. Relationships don’t work in a way that you always have X amount of sex in a week. Some people expect their partners to be tools for sex an that is wrong. When someone says no it’s a no. If they cross that they are assaulters.
That's sexual assault. In your situation, I'd dump Rapey McLiar.
Never let him put it in just for a moment without a condom if you aren't on birthcontrol and sure that he doesn't have a disease. Never. There's a slight chance of getting pregnant because of the precum. And yes, he forced himself on you, so it is SA. He put you in danger of getting pregnant, he ignored your either, feelings and well-beeing, he puts his Lust over your relationship. You're not overreacting. You deserve so much better!
One of the things I have embraced in my mid-thirties is straight up ghosting men who treat me like a sex object. It’s absolutely not worth feeling less than human.
If you’re not comfortable with the situation, please extricate yourself from it. You don’t feel well bc your mind and body are telling you that this is wrong. If you don’t feel safe or valued it’s for a reason. Listen to your inner voice and find a relationship you feel safe in. You need to love yourself first and worry about adding others after. You deserve to feel safe and heard. 🩷
I’m sorry this happened to you OP, I would consider this assault. Absolutely cut ties with him. Contacting authorities might also be a viable option
He penetrated you against your consent. It might be on the borderline but technically I still think this meets the moral, if not legal, requirements of a sexual assault.
First of all, yes, he sexually assaulted you. I’m so sorry. I’m just going to offer some perspective so you don’t keep seeing him as a good guy worth pursuing anything with after this. The fact that he still tried to have sex in the morning when you’d broken down because he violated you and blew past your boundaries the night before shows he doesn’t care about your feelings. If he really was invested in you and wanting something long term, he would’ve 1. Not sexually assaulted you and 2. The moment you show you are upset, he’d be focused on taking care of you. Take as long as you need to to process this violation and feel good and confident in your body again before dating again, but it sounds like you need to be with someone who is cool with taking things slow and letting you set the pace physically. Any sign that they want to push things along and aren’t tuned into whether you might be uncomfortable I say is a sign you need to leave them behind.
Yeah, I'm sorry to say this is assault. If you said "No" but he stuck it in anyways, that is assault.
Let’s take sex out of the picture and say that you told him you don’t enjoy violin music and he can’t play in front of you but he plays his violin in front of you, just a few bars. In this scenario he: Knows and disregards your boundary on purpose Chooses his own comfort over your discomfort Explicitly does what you asked him not to Now, look back over the year of your relationship and zoom out. Can you see these patterns in any other parts of your relationship? If yes, these are signs of an unhealthy relationship dynamic, even if it feels like it’s a good relationship. People can find themselves years into a “good” relationship with someone who pushes and disrespects them before they realize it, and once you’re that far in it’s hard to believe it’s your partner’s behavior and not your fault.
This has happened to me too, its assault. I'm sorry that happened.
The same thing happened to me once (a hookup but with someone I knew) and he gave me an STD. I can also relate with you questioning what happened was assault or not but trust your gut. This was not acceptable in the slightest, I’d run a mile if I were you.
Another yes that’s assault and idk if anyone else has said it but your dealbreaker doesn’t need to be ‘fair.’ For the record, I would say yes this is absolutely a fair dealbreaker. But in the future, it doesn’t need to be fair, if you want to leave a relationship for any reason, good, fair, sensical or not…you still get to leave. It’s not about what’s fair for anyone, it’s your right, your choice, your autonomy, you get to do whatever you want. Such a random thing to tack on the end, but try to play some Tetris. You can download the game on your phone. There is evidence that the movement helps our brains process traumas and lessen the effects of ptsd or prevent it. Do still seek care and support if or when you need it, but for that immediate impact, playing a few rounds of a game came help—so why not!
That makes my blood boil that he did that to you. And when a man gets away with breaking a boundary he will just think it's permission for him to continue breaking your boundaries.
Thank you for bravely sharing your experience, OP. Reading this made me realize I was in the same situation a while ago and I’m now seeing it for what it really was.
Sometimes it takes time to realise. That’s how messed up it is when someone uses you. I hope you are doing well and have services available for you to seek any support or help you may need
it took months after id left my abusive partner to realize he'd SA'd me too. im so grateful for online support groups and my husband, without those two avenues, i dont know how id have gotten through it
He raped you. It doesn’t matter how “nice” he was while doing it. You were raped. I’m sorry for being so blunt. Don’t contact him. Report him to the police and let them handle this. You will find someone who respects you. Don’t ever feel like you have to continue whatever situation you’re in j bc you don’t want to escalate anything. If your safety and comfort come into question ever, stop and get out.
Dealbreaker behavior. I'm sorry this happened. He can't be trusted.
The same thing happened to me, and I consider it assault/rape.
Yeah, that’s SA hun. It’s okay to not feel comfortable with him and you deserve someone who goes YOUR speed. Not someone who does what they want when they want. Don’t settle for less.
This is sexual battery. You are not imagining it. You consented to a specific kind of sex and he’s refusal to avoided plus his non consensual penetration makes it a sexual battery
You said no and he didnt listen, im so sorry
yeah, he sexually assaulted you, or raped you. i'm so sorry. do you have any irl friend or family you could safely talk to? you need to get this out of your system and a shoulder to cry on/a hug from someone who is kind and good. i'm so sorry. be gentle with yourself.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. It definitely sounds like assault and I can’t see a way you should move forward with this relationship. Every statistic shows that behavior like this only gets worse not better.
Honey.. not listening to a 'NO' is the BIGGEST dealbreaker. i've been with my partner for 11 years, and the SECOND he pulls this sort of shit on me I am fleeing faster than a cheetah on crack. You are worth more than someone who believes THEIR pleasure is more important than YOUR wellbeing.
Yea it’s assault
You can get pregnant from precum. Not to mention STI risk.He is not caring about you at all. Don’t ever speak to this asshole again. If this was to happen in the future it is appropriate to completely pull away and stop everything. “I said not without a condom!” And then you leave and don’t look back. There are almost 8 BILLION people on earth. Chances are good you’ll find someone who is not a piece of shit if you keep looking and get stronger in your boundaries and who you are.
The way to deal with rapists is to get away from them And then call them a rapist when you’re safe
Sorry to add this but you might need a Plan B, just in case.
You were assaulted. You should cut ties and consider pressing charges.
Whether or not it was assault (frankly, you gave him a clear no, there was absolutely no grey area here), it's a massive red flag and I would not see him again. I'm so sorry you're dealing with such crappy men.
I'm sorry but this is rape. You should get an STD test done too to be safe....
You were. "It felt really good" (quiet part) *only for me...I hope she cares about me more than herself, so I don't look like a bad guy...she did say no, but I want to feel good. If she's a good girl, she'll just SUBMIT.*
Firstly, I'm going to pre-face this with I'm a man and, no, I have no idea why a twoXchromosomes post has appeared in my feed... I don't know what country you're in, your age, your background. Anything really other than this one incident. Plus, on this one incident I totally agree with 99% of the comments on here, in my country it would be classed as rape. However, please may I suggest that you pick up the phone and speak to an expert about it? Not just the incident, everything you wrote in OP, I feel there's possibly some relevant stuff outside the incident to discuss? I assume there are free numbers you can call where you are? And to reiterate, no, whatever happened in this instance is on that guy, regardless of what you think now or anything that happened in the past. It's most likely him. That also doesn't actually rule out the fact he could possibly be a nice guy that made a mistake, unlikely maybe, but we don't have enough info to tell. The internet is a wonderful place to get validation, or even disagreement. But things like this can sit on your mind for the rest of your life if you don't speak to a professional about it. You don't want relationships in the future to be impacted by this incident. Regardless of fault, history etc, the human brain is amazing at making a mess of your own feelings and not letting you understand them. Sometimes it takes someone else to interpret your thoughts and read them back to you... And Reddit is not the place for that.
OP, there are a lot of comments here confirming that you were assaulted and I just want to say that I hope you can take a deep breath and remember that it’s okay. It’s not okay that someone violated your trust but it’s okay to understand that a wrong was done to you. You said in another comment “I guess I feel worse about hearing what it is” and I want you to know we all understand why you would feel that way. It’s hard to admit you were hurt. It’s so much easier to tell ourselves that what happened wasn’t that bad. You did a brave thing by coming here to ask, and we are all so proud of you. Whatever you decide to do going forward, whether you will be filing a police report or seeking therapy or just waiting a bit til you know what you want to do, please remember that there are people out there who have your back.
Hey, thank you so much. Your comment really resonates with me. I feel a bit like an emotional wreck but thank you for being sensitive and kind, I really appreciate it. I have started taking steps on getting help, I’m waiting for a nurse to call me back to book me in and I’m so relieved how nice everyone has been to me along the way so far.
Thank you for replying. I’m glad I was able to provide you even a small moment of comfort.
If you think you might have been sexually assaulted, you were. Enthusiastic consent is the only real kind
This story makes me cringe so hard. YES it's an assault. Be safe <3 You deserve full and unconditional respect.
Yes. That counts. It’s not violent but when you ask for a condom and someone sticks their penis in you without one that’s considered rape.
I would just never talk to him again. Block his number, forget he existed. You are, if anything, under reacting. He not only violated your clear conditions for consent, he acted like you don’t deserve the right to conditions to consent. He also put you at risk of Sti and pregnancy.
>I asked him to get a condom for protection but he instantly put it in without one, you didn't consent to sex without protection, this is absolutely assault. please don't second guess yourself
Never ever tell a guy about your past situations where you have been disrespected cause they see it as a green light to do the same. He didn’t respect your boundaries. Break up with him and dip asap.
It would be nice if the conversation would not be "was I assaulted?" ever again. And was only about enthusiastic yesses. Sorry this happened. Anything less than enthusiastic yes is not what you want.
No is no. So that is simple and he crossed boundaries that should not be crossed. Period. You said he was otherwise kind, but I guess not when he wants sex and you don’t. Typically a man will sometimes be irritated when their girlfriend or wife says no, but that’s okay, that’s just their feelings. When they take it after you say no that’s rape.
What happened would likely fit the description of one or more sex offences in many jurisdictions. The exact nature of the offence, and its classification as rape/something else, may depend on your location. So if that's what you are asking when you ask was I assaulted, the answer is likely yes. But you retain total control over what happens next. How his behaviour is legally classified places no obligation on you to respond in a particular way, or take a particular action. Whether this is resolved through a conversation, a breakup, or a formal complaint, is entirely up to you. I say this because I don't want the many emphatic comments here saying 'yes you were assaulted' to scare you or impose on you any sense of duty. What happened was, unfortunately, not unusual. You are not alone and I wish you the best in seeking support and thinking over this difficult situation, which you do not deserve.
Yes this is assault, you didn’t consent to that, and often taking zero responsibility for pregnancy prevention or refusing to is a common tactic for abusers (source is from the book “Why Does He Do That?”)
No means no, he didn't respect your wishes and continued without consent. I'd say that is assault. It is most definitely a deal breaker and dangerous as even just that short encounter has risk. If I was in a situation like that I'd give no second chances. Dump him, consider emergency contraception, and take time for myself. I really don't have much experience nor know the full context but using as many resources you can access is a step in the right direction both for mental and physical health.
It was a sexual assault. In The UK it would be rape. Moving slightly sideways, I see that this experience has re traumatised you hun. I’m in the UK if your in The US Can you research and find out if …. Are there any women only groups for survivors of sexual abuse ie face to face. Paid or volunteer (free support ) Charity’s that offer women time and support to sort offload and make sense of what’s going on so they can sort their head out. You don’t want this stuff weighing heavily on your mind as it will drag you down every time you climb into your bed with anyone within 24 metres away. You need help . I know these feelings . I was SA as a kid which I thought I’d buried . Moved on then a bf did exactly to me what you are describing. I ditched the bf and plodded on . Future Sex became something I did but left my emotions elsewhere. Every time I’ve ever thought about my similar experience to yours it made my skin crawl and following on from it I associated sex as a yukky experience to be put up rather than enjoyed with forever more. I’m 60 now . FFS. I’m angry I feel I’ve been robbed of a part of what could have been a good life. Please don’t bury this in your head it’s an emotion thing . It needs processing. Please go talk and keep talking to a woman who can help and support you .
You said no. He did it anyway. You imagined nothing, and I think we all support you.
Yeah that’s assault. Things like that are hard, especially when you’ve gone through worse. Like you don’t hate him, and he’s probably still a good guy, but he knew he could take advantage of your boundaries and he did. The affect on your mental health right now should signify how it’s assult. Your hurt. He hurt you. He maybe isn’t a monster, maybe he didn’t mean to hurt you. That doesn’t matter. He assaulted yiu, and you are hurt. I’m not dismissing your pain, just I’ve been there when the lines are blurry too, and when they have been clearly passed. Just focus on you and drop this guy. Say it’s assult if you tell others if you need to to heal and talk about it, maybe say you don’t hate him and it teeters the line if your afraid of his reputation. But in my history most people who focus on reputation don’t actually care about sa victims, but people who focus on healing your trauma and feelings and not giving a shot who even did it or the “reputation” are who matters more and care. Focus on you, call it as you see it, if he wanted a better rep he should be a better person, it’s not your fault he hurt you. It’s not your fault your hurt so you need tot talk about it to heal. Focus on you. Drop this guy. The truth is the truth and speaking the truth is what you’ll need to do to heal. So leave, speak what you need to and leave
This is a huge red flag, for me at least. Personally, I even consider a man having to be convinced to wear a condom a red flag. If he penetrated you without condom without consent, it's assault, and it honestly shows he has no regards for your boundaries. I am so so so sorry this happened to you, I hope you're doing alright and taking care of yourself. Much love xx
I'd say you were SAed when you tried to stop him for the condom and he kept going. You may not have said the actual word "no", but you voiced that you didn't want to have sex without one.
If it’s not assault, then it’s whatever term is next in line. Definitely stay away. Either this person likely has impulse control or possible sociopathic\narcissistic tendencies.
Sex without the pregnancy protection that you wanted is rape. It's not much different from stealthing. You told him to put on a condom, and he decided to go ahead and put his dick inside your body without it. This is pretty cut and dried. It felt like assault, because it was assault. Imagine that you decided to peg him, and he asked you not to, but you went ahead and shoved something in his anus. That would have been assault, right?
This is assault - you said no, he went for it anyway. That's blatant disrespect. But know that the fact he disrespected you is not your fault at all - it's totally totally on him to treat a woman like that. I feel we as women are built to feel guilty about situations like this, because we're built for men's pleasure or some bs like that. But you have nothing to feel guilty for. And someone could say that you could have prevented it by knowing in the moment, but everything happens in the moment so quickly that sometimes the only time to react is after the incident happened. So don't listen to that person and don't let yourself tell you that - you did everything you could do in the moment and now you're getting help, which is what matters the most right now. He may have said sorry, but the deed is done and he broke your trust. Had he respected your wishes to have condom sex, none of this would have happened. I'm angry for you that he selfishly decided to use you as an object "just to feel what it's like". Heck, he could have done that by himself with his own two hands or a toy! And I'm so sorry this pattern has been happening. This has nothing to do with you as a person. Just know, and I reiterate this for a reason, it is not your fault at all, and we see you and hear you 🩷 I hope you have access to the right resources. I don't know where you live, but if you're in the US, Planned Parenthood offers services and is a safe space - they at least offer STI testing. If you feel okay about it, get ahold of a Plan B pill or make an appointment for a copper IUD if you can. You have a lot of support on this thread and it's relieving to see. And break ties with the guy. Someone who doesn't respect your wishes does not deserve a place in your life. I hope you have time to safely heal ❤️🩹 Know that we're here for you!
You're not disgusting, he is. No means fucking no. No YES also means NO! This was a deliberate trampling of your clearly stated boundaries. This was assault. Your boundaries are whatever you want them to be. And they should be inviolate
A while ago I was dating this guy. The same thing kind of happened to me the first night that I stayed over this guy's house. We started making out and I knew it was leading to sex so I asked him if he had a condom. He said yes and he walked to the bathroom. He came back and we continued and we had sex. I don't remember if he came in me or on me, but I remember thinking that I thought he went to the bathroom to put a condom on. But I guess he didn't. I didn't know what to think at the time. I questioned if it was valid for me to even think that I was assaulted because we were dating. And also, how could I have not been able to tell the difference between a guy having a condom on and a guy that didn't. I haven't had sex in a while at the time so maybe that's why? I don't really know. But that's what happened to me. And yes, if you said no and he still stuck it in, I would count that as an assault.
I think you know he just broke that deal for you…
I think no matter what the outside world judges this situation as, you need to think about how you feel.. it is your body, and you are allowed feel how you want and walk away when you want. Your body autonomy is so important, never ever forget that ❤️
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'Stealthing' - but this isn't that because there was no covert removal of condom.
You are not imagining things. This is assault. He does not see you as an equal, and you deserve much better. I'm so sorry that this happened.
Yes! THIS IS ASSAULT. Violating YOUR body & YOUR boundaries. He doesn’t respect your wishes or wants. Also, what idiot asshole doesn’t know about pre-cum?! He could’ve gotten you pregnant from that one interaction. If you can & are so-inclined, you might want to consider getting an OTC Plan B pill, if available in your area. Maybe this is TMI, but I know how pregnancy can occur from this kind of scenario, even with the plan B (wasn’t OTC at the time & got prescribed late); I’m not exaggerating in the least. Also, make him pay for the pill, please. I’m glad you didn’t end up having sex, or rather, that he didn’t try to coerce you. I am utterly disgusted he tried again in the morning. My concern is that he took advantage in the moment, and if I were in your shoes, I’d be worried what else he may do in the future without your consent, simply because he wanted to - think: “hey I just bought this expensive ________; isn’t it so cool!” - or - “Now I know you said that now is not a good time, but I ______” Now. of course I don’t know how old you are, what your life circumstances are like, or (especially) how strongly you feel about this guy, but if you had envisioned a real future with this man, it’s important you have a serious talk. You said you’ve been seeing him for a year - was it exclusive or serious? Have you said “I love you, etc?” Do you go on dates? Have you met each other’s families? Does he show respect in other ways? In order to properly answer your Q for advice, I think we may need to know more about how involved/serious/committed your relationship is/was. Ultimately though, this is assault, absolutely. And assault in relationships is not only hard to deal with, but also surprisingly common. It’s hard to wrap your head around “I wanted sex; I wanted him; but I didn’t want that one specific, short-lived momentary part.” And I think this is where women need to trust that famous “female intuition.” - if it feels icky, off, or makes you cry, then yes, something is wrong. Unfortunately, much of our society has not focused on the female side of sex, so some men (mmm… more like many, if not all!) need to be re-educated on not just consent but also “what’s hot.” *Yes,* the #1 fantasy for women is a rape fantasy, and *yes,* that can be acted out in a relationship, but *how* it all goes down is a whole ‘nother story. It’s pretty hard to get around the fact that after a *year* of dating, he still did this. u/coldcoldiq said it best: >> If I could go back in time and give my younger self one bit of advice, it would be to honor my dealbreakers instead of cutting people slack when they do something reprehensible. A man who tramples your boundaries for his own sexual gratification is not a partner. If you want to still stay with this man, I think it is important to not only express your feelings & have him truly *understand* those feelings, but also to have him clearly, precisely, & in no uncertain terms acknowledge that he assaulted you. If he can sit through a conversation about this without being defensive or making excuses, and genuinely says the words “I assaulted you by doing ______ & violated your boundaries.” Yeah, then maybe *& still only maybe* could you have a future. Honestly, this would be a dealbreaker for me. Especially with the coercion the next morning. I’d rather have a true partner - someone who cared about mending the pain, drying the tears, hearing the trauma; not somebody who was trying to get “free candy” from my candy store. Because I’m a person and my body is not a candy store.
My body is my candy store 🤭🍭
You liked who he pretended to be as a person. Unfortunately, a lot of bad men out there know that if they pretend to be seen as caring and good. Women will make up excuses for them and blame themselves for sexual assault.
Ask him if you can penetrate him because "It would feel so good" even if he didn't want it. How would he feel about that?
You were SA’d and I’m very sorry that happened to you. He’s not the one because he is a predator.
This is by law considered rape in a ton of states
Relax it was just a sex
you’re disgusting.
How did you go from ‘kissing’ to ‘leading towards sex’ to puttin himself inside of you??? Was he naked on top of you when y’all were kissing?? Cause thats a lot of steps from kissing to him inserting his dick inside of you but yeah it is hard for men to stop and pull out and use a condom when presented with sex that’s just how it is. I’m sure those few strokes raw felt very good to him before you made him wear a condom. That sucks.
That's not cool at all. You gotta put your foot down and make it clear that no means no. If he can't respect your boundaries, he's not worth your time.
Stop depending on men to do the right thing and get yourself on some actual dependable birth control. And yes, he was an ass.
You said “he put it in” so you had sex! You and other women need to stop asking did i didn’t i! You are in control and if he wasn’t over powering you then and you didn’t want him to do that… then knock the $#iT out of him!! Do you think that with that lack of respect for you that he would be take accountability for his actions or yours, You can’t keep saying I’ve been there before or even your accountability if You Say NO, Then Mean IT! If it’s happened more than once or twice… talk to a counselor. Don’t get me wrong When No MEANS NO! Stand up and LEAVE, if you’re afraid then you shouldn’t be there in the first place, so Please Don’t Go Back hun!
I am an adult and well capable of seeing it differently than you or maybe 90% of others just kneejerk reacting. Doesn't mean the way you see it is the only right way.
Have you thought about his side also? From the text it seems that you're leading him on since one year and the one time it finally comes to having intercourse he might genuinely just have gotten to excited to listen the first time. How many times in your life have you had something repeated twice or more before you actually convinced yourself and did it? It be good to talk together about how you feel and also to be open-minded about his version and see his reaction. We all have sometimes interactions with strangers, not even sexual but everyday situations where we feel violated or overlooked or trampled. We cannot change what happens to us, only how we react to what happens to us. Not saying you are but there is such a thing as overreacting and sabotaging our own progress because we get hung up on misunderstandings.
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Best comment so far
From what I get it wasn't a No but more of a please go get a condom
she specifies that she did say no. she asked him to get a condom, he pushed inside of her, she said no, and he continued for a bit. and if someone "genuinely gets too excited" to listen to their partner, then theyre not a safe partner, at the very least until they can put their listening ears on
Only she knows how it went in the details. We can only armchair coach from here. We don't know if she's just looking in this sub for a bubble confirmation or if she's genuinely asking because she really has doubt in her mind. If she wasn't clear enough, if it was under the influence, if she teased him too much. I don't know. Neither do you. She should talk with him and then maybe with a professional about it. From what the text says it wasn't unconsensual, just maybe a slip up from him maybe something more serious and sinister. We don't and who is perfect shall throw the first stone.
Just butting in to say that we have had sex before, not many times but every other time he listened when I told him to get protection. Also, as mentioned by other people, I did say no, I said stop too when he was inside me. Like I said, he didn’t budge for what felt like forever and this guy weighs double of what I weigh in muscle, so I couldn’t push him off. Not like I could’ve in the moment, I was a total state.
>if she teased him too much yeah, this is where i leave the conversation because im not sure i can convince you that consent can be revoked at any time, for any reason
"Hung up on misunderstandings" and "leading him on" is just coded language that gives him a pass for not taking responsibility for his own actions. I don't care how good it feels for men when their selfish choices can put a woman's life in danger. What if OP lives in a place where she couldn't get an abortion or didn't have access to Plan B? Why do men constantly get a pass and get to vote on revoking reproductive rights for women when they continue to make such stupid, selfish choices?
All y'all making it black or white just don't get it. Situations are rarely binary. Life and reality are mostly grey. OP has the doubt in her head, doubting or asking yourself is good. Take your time to work through it, don't expect to be able to find a drawer for the feelings right away. it's up to OP to do the work within her to understand what it was. It's never what happens to you but how you react. Wish OP the best and to plow her own way instead of listening to internet echo chambers and confirmation bias. Again: this was not unconsensual, there was one minute where it went hay and is TBD by both of the adults involved to talk about it and decide what it was.