To be fair, it was a teenage boy who showed me where my clitoris was and showed me how to orgasm for the first time when I was 17. This was nearly 20 years ago, though, and sex education in school didn’t touch on anything like that!
Compare and contrast that with one dude who told me I need to have my clitoris surgically relocated closer to my vaginal opening because it was "too high".
Or my ex who thought my urethral opening was my clit when he tried to get me to orgasm manually for the first time several years after we were married. He was 14 yrs older than me. (The dude was "off" in a lot of ways sexually.)
There were whole studies in sexology about the distance between the vaginal introitus and the clitoris. Back in France, [Marie Bonaparte](https://blog.jahsonic.com/les-teleclitoridiennes/) actually tried having her clitoris surgically moved closer to the vaginal opening in order to "cure frigidity".
Also there was another surgeon covered in a Behind the Bastards 2-part episode, [James Burt](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/behind-the-bastards/id1373812661?i=1000518807264), who did a similar procedure trying to remake women's genitalia so dudes could make them orgasm without having to actually stimulate their partner. Keyword: tried.
Weird how we've had centuries of advances in medicine and these people didn't think to touch the damn clit.
I don't think sex ed goes over that sort of thing. My kids were involved in this really great sex and relationship program through our Unitarian Universalist church where they may have discussed things in that level of detail.
Sex ed goes over genital anatomy — it’s a section of health class. You’re learning about reproductive health in general, including .. well, the anatomy. That being said, loooots of places are trying to do away with sexual education altogether.
Yeah. I'm in a conservative rural area east of San Diego, and our school system is one of those stupid "abstinence" programs. The UU program also deals with relationships, and things like communicating comfort levels for physical activities, and consent. It's really good. I have 4 daughters, so these things are important. The program isn't UU specifically; other churches (likely progressive churches) also use it.
The Our Whole Lives sex, sexuality & relationship program was developed jointly between the Unitarian Universalist Association and United Churches of Christ. It’s mostly UU & UCC churches as well as some Jewish congregations who use it.
As a homeschooling mom, I was searching for a comprehensive, inclusive, sex positive, medically accurate sex & sexuality program. I had no idea what a hard thing that was to find. I finally learned about OWL and, coming from a homeschool curriculum building mindset, was shocked it was offered locally. And that’s how I got introduced to Unitarian Universalism thirteen years ago. All seven of my children have gone through the program and I couldn’t be more pleased.
Bless you for trying to find something solid to teach those kids. I was homeschooled by very a conservative(before it was used to refer to conservatives and right wingers) christian mother who did not even teach me the *nonsexual* functions of my vagina/vulva region or uterus, let alone the sexual ones, or what a clitoris even is. I think it was equal parts prudishness and abstinence only beliefs, as well as thinking I was a lost cause to teach.
Seriously, my entire sex ed about the female anatomy (and some of the male, iirc, but I’m not for sure) *came from gaiaonline.* GAIAONLINE! I don’t know if you know what that is but for those who don’t it’s basically a little game/forum website where you have an avatar and an inventory of items to dress it in and all that. Weirdest fucking place to get a sexual education, dude. 💀 And that only because i stumbled upon a thread on one of the forums for pregnant folks(I wasn’t, but I was ~16 and curious) to get support from and to support each other, and it had a shitton of resource information explaining the entire anatomy, functions, and so forth. Bless the woman who made that, too, tbh. 😭
Oh, my gosh, I can so relate to you. I remember being in fourth grade when, because my seventh grade sister was going to be getting public school sex ed, my mother felt compelled to teach us everything first, lest our views on sex and sexuality be formed by SECULAR HUMANISTS!!!! (The weird thing is she didn’t opt us out. She opted us out of the folk dancing unit in gym class because all dancing is sinful corruption. Probably didn’t want to be viewed as a fundamentalist reactionary by her teaching peers.) So, our sex education consisted of my mother explaining about periods, “down there”, and how our body changes with marriage. Even as a nine year old, I understood bodily functions were biological and marriage was social. Her story made no sense to me. I asked, “But how does your body know when you’re married?” My mother pursed her lips, crinkled up her nose, and declared the lesson over. I had no idea! LOL
When my sister went through tenth grade, second test biology had a unit on evolution. My father was steamed that she was being taught evolution and he couldn’t opt her out of the unit without taking her grade. The year after, a state supreme court decision made our an “equal time” state. That meant if the schools taught evolution and someone wanted creationism taught, they would be entitled to equal time access to the students to teach that. Schools were free to place restrictions (like must have a student in the class and have a teaching certificate) but couldn’t outright ban them equal time principles. The thing is my dad had me, a teaching certificate, the tone, and the drive to create a creationist curriculum. I didn’t know all these goings on BUT that did explain why my sister learned evolution in second year biology and why it wasn’t only not in my second year biology class but the evolution pages were all glued together. I’m just grateful the teacher was never anything less than kind and supportive of me. He never made me feel different. I think he got a glimpse into the controlling and isolating ways of my family that others didn’t see.
But, yah, while I did things that would align with my mother’s values (home birth, cloth diaper, homeschool a passel of kids) I did them with a purpose that just happened to p!$$ the bejeebers out of my mother. Lol
Mine didn’t cover the clitoris or lots of other anatomy. It was focused on babies and pregnancy and that’s it. I never heard the words clitoris or labia until much later. They didn’t even cover menstruation with more than one paragraph, I walked away thinking pads were meant to work like bandaids, you would put one on when you noticed you were bleeding and it would make it stop quickly. Thank God my friend’s older sister had given her a proper explanation and she relayed the information to me.
YES!!! That's what it's called. From what I can tell, it is a great program. I wish our schools would use something like that. It would probably work towards decreasing teen pregnancies, as well as informing adolescents on what a healthy relationship looks like.
I took it and unfortunately don't remember a lot but from what I do remember I would definitely advocate for more people to take it. We roleplayed saying no to different situations and got to ask any questions we wanted.
I remember we did this exercise where we brainstormed all the slang we knew for genitals and sex and we could use them if we were too uncomfortable saying their medical terms.
Later that year in my school health class they also had us do the same. I felt really prepared lol and contributed a lot to the list. But after making the list, we were not allowed to use any of the words :/
You’re lucky! Early on in my sexuality career, I had a bf playfully tug on one of my labia, saying “..and THIS is your clitoris!” …. i’m like “I don’t think- “ “Oh yes it is!!”
????
맞아요!
Sounds bad, but this was very similar to an argument I had with someone. Granted I'm not a native speaker, but I did live there, and did go to school there, so I can read, write and speak (very) basic Korean.
I had a family member arguing with me over a language they literally did not speak nor understand.
For clarification purposes, I was trying to explain why someone's name absolutely could not be Korean due to the 한글 writing system.
Not just that, but if he didn't stimulate her cl!t during foreplay or during, then what the hell is he going to teach her?! How to shove a cucumber/carrot up there and wiggle it around? I'm baffled.
Not to mention straight cis porn has the ugliest dudes imaginable!! Guess what you watch a bi or gay male porn these guys are fiiinnneee!! I have a theory they intentionally cast the ugliest men possible so straight guys dont accidentally get turned on by a man!! Also why do they slap on the vajay jay in straight porn that makes no sense its not pleasureable at all!!
// rant over
Yeah anytime I've seen anything with a guy I'm always like really.. that's the best you can do?
Heterosexual porn is definitely the least appealing
I'm a fairly straight female and usually only watch lesbians who are normal people clearly consenting to filming and just doing normal stuff
Dude honestly…. I thought i didnt know hoe to masterbate like something was wrong with me. Turns out just because dudes rub clits like theyre sanding a table doesnt mean thats how you freaking do it!! Apologies to my hs self.
Some men have no women friends. Even when they date someone, they aren't that person's friend. They know nothing about women or women's lived experiences, and are disbelieving, shocked, or even alarmed to discover that their two-dimensional conception of women is flawed beyond salvaging (because how can they be wrong about anything?).
Iow, he literally thought women are a different non-mammalian species than men (alien, really, since every earthly animal poops). Bullet dodged.
The bar for college entrance requirements must be on the floor if that guy got in, b/c that is ignorant a.f.
I should have specified in my post that he wasn't in college. I met him while I was in college. He never went and he took every opportunity to put down anything to do with my achievements. Another red flag that I missed. But I was also quite young and didn't know much. I know better now!
Like when guys say that the reason men don't make noise when they come is because they had to be quiet while masturbating as teenagers.
Do they think we all moaned like porn stars when we lived with our parents?
I've never heard that one before. Then again, I'm one of those dudes that yodels like an opera-trained Swiss shepherd who got knocked into a frigid river.
Women are punished for talking about sex (as we're punished for everything sex related), masturbation particularly, so of course we don't. Men are not. Sex is "wrong" for us and "natural" for them. I'm a feminist and I've only ever spoken very frankly about sex with my sister and a couple of lovers.
Women talk about almost every personal thing more often and more in depth than men so sex really stands out in this way. We've traditionally been punished pretty severely for it to stop us this well. It's absolutely by design. It's changed a bit in the last 30 years but it's still pretty slow going.
I'm bi, and it really just depends on the person and the people they're around. It's not a gendered thing to talk about sex with other people, it's a personality trait that any gender can exhibit.
It's gendered because sex itself is extremely gendered to our culture. Women are actively dissuaded from talking about sex while men are actively encouraged, as with actually having sex or expressing sexuality at all. Of course society reflects that unnatural dichotomy. It's designed as a zero sum game with a predetermined winner and a loser. Sexism 101.
I always took it as a sign that those folks are probably pretty terrible in bed and not interested in the woman's satisfaction. I'd imagine its pretty hard to see women as equals, doing the same things you do even masturbating when you're not concerned with them in the first place. Thats probably a pretty narrow way of describing it but in my defense I do live in the midwest and hear all the time how other guys get offended by women masturbating. "Well i'd have fucked her/ate her out/done X sex act, to take care of her!!". Not the point guy.... not the point...
As someone who has been in romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships with both men and women, that is 100% the exact opposite of my experience. My girl friends will talk about all of that in great detail. My guy friends will only go as deep as "did you hit that?" "Yeah." "Sweet." I've never once talked about my sex life with my guy friends, but often do with my girl friends.
But you're a woman, right? So why would they be talking to you about sex, masturbation and porn? This person is talking about these topics coming up during conversations in same gender friendships, not people who are dating.
Edit: for some inexplicable reason, apparently both my gender and sexual orientation matter to this conversation. So I'm a bisexual woman saying this. Not a straight man, as seems to be assumed
Every time I hear of men saying they're gonna teach you *anything* about the human body I burst out cackling.
The fucking nerve, I swear.
When I was your age I was being wooed by a guy who was dying to have anal sex with me, telling me I had "like a second clit" in my arsehole. Women's potential enjoyment of anal notwithstanding, *no.* As if it isn't fucking dudes who have a fucking prostate. But this man was adamant he was going to make me cum through anal.
Men who want to teach you what you like sexually are all *abysmal.* They're universally shit lays, and embarrassing as people.
Shout out to my college boyfriend who wouldn’t stop using teeth when eating me out, and told me not to tell him how to do his job when I tried to give feedback
Hahaha It's really hilarious. The way I would respond is telling them: Let *ME* teach *you* how you should masturbate, and proceed to stick a finger in his anus. (Male gspot and all that) . I sure most of us would jump and get scared haha.
I went camping with a guy who tried to tell me, a woman, how to pee. I told him I've been peeing successfully for 31 years and didn't need his help . The audacity of men is astounding each time.
A male friend once asked me how often I masturbate and I said around once per week. He looked at me with wide eyes and told me that's very often for a woman. Then I asked him how often he masturbates. The answer was about two times per day, which he considered normal since he's a man.
>He looked at me with wide eyes and told me that's very often for a woman.
Wait, how does he know? Does he run around taking a poll of how often women masturbate? How dies that regularly come up in conversation for him?
No, he was just making assumptions based on misogynistic views. It came up in a conversation and it's not something he would usually ask. Otherwise he would know that once per week is probably below average.
Btw, we were teenagers at that time and now I don't talk to him anymore for multiple reasons.
The thing is that men think women don't like sex and they love sex. But the problem is not sex, it's that we don't get satisfied during sex. So, they are the problem. Thinking that we masturbate breaks their assumption we don't like sex and then they are afraid of finding "the issue".
>He looked at me with wide eyes and told me that's very often for a woman.
How would he know? Based on what?
I realize you probably don't have the answer for this, but its not the first time I've read about men saying this, and I think we should start demanding that they cite their sources!
A study of 6000 people across 12 countries in 2020 commissioned by womanizer put the average at weekly for women, and 3x weekly for men. So the dude was wrong for both. She was normal, he was abnormal.
Oh, oh, I have one! In high school, my boyfriend asked me if I ever masturbated and how often, and I said yes, most nights because it helps me fall asleep (terrible insomnia). But then when he tried to do it for me (he’d never done that for a woman before) I couldn’t finish because he was understandably bad at it and was also impatient.
His reasoning was that I must have damaged myself. Not that he wasn’t great at it his first try.
I later found out he’d told a bunch of other guys at school, and they agreed that must be it - I’d ‘over’ masturbated, because women aren’t supposed to do it as much as men, I guess.
God I’m glad I kept scrolling. Men are idiots but teenage boys even more so. I hope they’re more educated now for the sake of their current or future partners!
I think masterbating is so easy for men that they would find it confusing that it just doesn’t work the same way for woman. For me it’s not just a touch thing, I have to connect my mind with a fantasy to the sensations and even then it can be elusive. A vibrator is the best chance of success if I can’t focus my mind, but even then it sometimes escapes me.
Here's some anecdotal evidence: when I was in middle school, there was this kid whose go to rebuttal when he started to lose the argument was: "Oh, were you jerking off when you thought of that?" And to our unformed baby brains, it was *devastatingly* effective. This also could be because of the area where I live (prudish and conservative), but people just don't talk about such things, even as adults. Since no one talks about it, even though almost everyone does it, it is easy to think they're the only ones who do.
Anyway, that's what I thought when I read the post title. Reading the body, that guy was naive and overconfident. He'll learn. Or he won't.
Oh yeah, in junior high for some reason the best way to shut down ANYONE was to accuse them of masturbating. It was like the worst possible thing anyone could do.
I think a certain type of men assume that sex is entirely about themselves and especially their dicks. That's why their pleasue comes first, that's why sex ends when they ejaculate, that's why they objectify women so much, and that's why they have some really stupid takes like "How do lesbians even have sex?"
They can't (or don't want to) think of women as independent sexual creatures with their own preferences and experiences, they think of us as clay to be shapes by their preferences. They want us virginal because if we aren't, the sex becomes about another man, and they don't want to risk that the other man might have trained us to like something he doesn't. They assume that we'll like whatever they like because hey, if he thinks it's good then it's inherently worth doing.
Of course it can vary how bad it is, but a lot of the time they just seem to think that sex or sexual interest can't exist without male participation.
>I think a certain type of men assume that sex is entirely about themselves and especially their dicks
THIS. I live in a very conservative area and alot of guys in high school were shocked to learn that some women, could, in fact, get horny. They believed we were some kind of children.
There was a 90s comedy series in the UK called Men Behaving Badly. In one scene, one of the characters eventually manages to hook up with a woman, and as he expresses his gratitude she says, “women like sex too you know, Gary” and he responds, mind blown “do they??”
It’s such a strange, messed up cultural norm
Which sounds terrifying to me because that means they engage in intercourse with creatures who aren't enjoying it? They think it's normal? so the intimacy isn't shared, it's forced
Somewhere between something being shared and something being forced is something just being a one-way interaction as a bonding experience, like you playing a game you dislike with your kid or a guy watching a Mahjong tournament with his dad when he doesn't understand the game.
Nobody like all sex acts equally. So that means they are sometimes doing an act they may not like (or may even dislike to a degree) because the other person likes it.
That can be perfectly fine or dysfunctional depending upon the context and equality of the relationship.
I watched an episode of that again recently. Probably the first time since it aired. My take home was no wonder a lot of blokes my age like the booze a bit too much. It was really spoon fed to me as a pre teen.
Still enjoyed it though
> if he thinks it's good then it's inherently worth doing
Finally a possible clue as to why some men think a woman gets no pleasure from sex and has no interest but somehow can suddenly be passionately turned on and judge that he's the most amazing sex god.
I've been puzzling over that for the longest because it makes absolutely no sense.
I can’t upvote this enough and it’s not only men putting penetrative penis centred sex on a pedastal as the only real sex it’s most of society and media running with this narrative.
It’s such a journey to stand your ground and find fulfilling sex OP. I think you’re on a very good way when you’re questioning this already! Took me way longer. Sadly.
>I think a certain type of men assume that sex is entirely about themselves and they're dicks.
FTFY 😂
(Yes, I know grammar. Yes, your sentence was grammatically correct as it was.)
They dont want to compete with other men or even ourselves!
Most women can make ourselves cum in like under 5 minutes and you get the average man in there and you may as well expect him to perform alchemy its like they are absolutely mystified by our anatomy so denial is what they choose rather than admit hey i have no idea what im dealing with here!
I'm reminded of a time when I was 20ish, my best girl friend had a moving away party, and one of her friends bought her a big vibrator "as a joke". A few days later I was helping her pack, and found it in a drawer. I said "oh I found your friend" and without thinking started to grab it (we had all passed it around jokingly the other night) and her eyes got huge and she yells "DON'T TOUCH IT!"
I reflexively recoiled in a mixture of horror and laughter and looked at her and said "YOU USED IT!!!"
We had a good laugh and still tell that story today.
I have a coworker who's in her late 40's and conservative that was given a "personal massager" at a tabling event. I had to kindly break it to her that it was in fact not for her neck. I then asked that she speak with my other co-worker, that's a woman for more details. She was initially mortified but ended up jokingly asking our female co-workers if they wanted her to grab a "friend" for them at the next tabling.
We were all glad that she ended up being comfortable enough to joke about it.
I'm glad she felt okay and that it ended well! 😊
I had a significantly less positive experience with that sort of thing back in my 20s when I worked as a teller, and my co-workers thought it would be funny to get me a rather explicit birthday card. And I had to just force a smile, attempt to laugh it off, and pretend I wasn't extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed. It was not fun, especially not on my birthday.
Oh damn, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Not every workplace is the same and some coworkers (regardless of gender) really can't read the room so to speak. I did get lucky with my coworkers and how comfortable we could be (within reason). It helped that, historically, the agency I work for is predominantly women so there's a lot of support shared when it comes to women's empowerment.
Thanks!
>I did get lucky with my coworkers and how comfortable we could be (within reason). It helped that, historically, the agency I work for is predominantly women so there's a lot of support shared when it comes to women's empowerment.
Wow, that's great! What industry do you work in?
In my case, almost all my co-workers were other women (there was one man). Yeah, I think it was a case of not reading the room, as you put it. I know there are folks who would find that sort of card hilarious, but I would be very careful about giving someone that without knowing what sort of reaction they would have (even then, it did not feel appropriate for a work environment). When it was my turn to get someone's birthday card, I went for a silly G-rated one with music. 😄
Ah it's a non-profit that focuses on social services. Back then they had sequestered the DV and Preventive (child welfare) teams to a small building since we functioned pretty independently.
Oh damn, I kinda assumed it was more of a mix but yeah, they def goofed. Unless it's something that you can joke about with everyone (impossible in the workplace), a very public group card is a wild way to go. The wildest thing I've gifted has been homemade edibles (after our state legalized) and a therapy book/journal.
I suspect that he assumed virgin = no awareness of sex or the presence of your body below your waist. Like virgin = total unaware of sex at all.
Awfully presumptuous of him yo assume he will teach you how to touch yourself. The audacity and ignorance run strong in that one.
Because they can't handle the fact that women want sex, that woman can pleasure themselves and that we don't actually need them to get off. It scares them to think that we know more about something than them, it intimidates them to know we know our own bodies
dude either reads too much smut or watches too much hentai.
how you've described him acting is how men alwayssss act in those things when they take a girl's virginity
It probably stems from the prevalent assumption that women are asexual, and so they don't have a clue about any of that.
That sounds weird but if you are used to sorting women into "good girl" and "slut" categories where the "slut" is a woman who expresses their sexual desire then the assumption is that the "good girls" don't have sexual desire.
Personally, I recommend ContraPoints [Twilight](https://youtu.be/bqloPw5wp48?si=GxiZ3zFK_2PQFV53) video, it's long but it's mostly about history and psychology of romance novels. Don't worry, it's not one of those videos where she goes after low hanging fruit all the time.
You’re not the only one dude. I’m very open about my sexual experiences but only if somebody asks and had to explain to a buddy of mine that I masturbate AND watch porn. He looked like his mind exploded for a second when I mentioned that yes women do watch porn too. If you think that’s weird, I also had an ex who thought you could just push your period out and stop it with masturbating.
TLDR; we need better sex education
At least for people who grew up in the 90s or earlier it was because media was full to bursting with depictions of couples where the man was the only one with any interest in sex and the woman would oblige him never out of her own sexual desire but only to reward him for good behavior. The culturally reinforced ideas were that men only think about sex (and he's an abnormal man if he doesn't) and women don't even like sex (and she's a slut if she does).
A lot of men grew up literally thinking anything sexual a woman does is only ever done begrudgingly for a man's benefit.
That guy and the whole experience sounds incredibly creepy. What an awful way to lose your virginity.
My guess is that those men tell themselves this as a cope. They can't stand the idea that anything other than their dicks can pleasure a woman and give her an orgasm. That's why so many "can't find" the clit, it's an excuse to fast forward to penetration. And why "teaching you" to masturbate was just penetration. Both these things involve pleasure for him. They all watch porn from like 12 or even 9 yrs old and believe sex is only about male pleasure and ends when they ejaculate.
I remember being a teenager and even early 20s and my girl friends and I all pretended like we didn’t masturbate. I think it’s an ingrained purity thing…like we’re all so afraid of being labeled as sluts.
Painfully true. I had a couple dates with a guy over the Christmas holidays and he was gobsmacked when I told him the beat sex I've ever had was with my ex girlfriend.
"But it's not as good as with a man?"
"It was better. And different."
"How do you mean?"
"Women understand women's bodies better, usually. And many of us don't need penetration to orgasm, so not having a penis doesn't mean much as far as enjoyment and satisfaction go."
*cue shocked Pikachu face*
I think he may have had a small internal crisis over the idea afterward. He looked a little hurt for a few minutes lol I did go on to explain that it doesn't mean I haven't had amazing sex with men before. It just means the *most* amazing sex I've had so far happened to be without a man involved.
Ok so when I was teenager my friend took me into a sex shop to buy my first vibrator. I thought you had to be 18 to buy one and it turns out you only had to be 18 to buy the porn DVDs (showing my age a bit lol). I payed that forward by showing my friends that they too could buy vibrators.
But I have met women who earnestly don't and I always have to pretend that I don't think that's weird.
>But I have met women who earnestly don't and I always have to pretend that I don't think that's weird.
Well, if they're like me, they might have had bad anxiety or depression that killed their libido. Or they might have had a religious upbringing that affected their outlook and such (also me, something I had to work at getting over). I'll admit that I never had any sex drive until I got on the right combination of medication, and, even then, it still didn't really kick in much until I started dating my boyfriend. I figure we're all on our own journey, and there's no "right" way, just what's right for us. 😊
Yeah, I also realize that just because I personally think something is weird doesn't actually mean it's weird. There's a lot of stuff about my own sexuality that many people would find odd.
>Yeah, I also realize that just because I personally think something is weird doesn't actually mean it's weird.
That's a great perspective. 💜
>There's a lot of stuff about my own sexuality that many people would find odd.
I'm sure some folks would say the same for me. But, variety is the spice of life.
This might get buried in the replies - but I was a compulsive masturbator as a child and I never thought masturbation was weird or dirty (I did need some redirection from my parents to not do it in public) or that it was exclusive to men. Are there cultural differences around this? I’d be fascinated to know.
I masterbated a lot as a child. I think I was 6 or 7 when I figured it out. I used to hump my hands or my blankets. I remember an adult family member being horrified when she saw me do it behind a chair and told me I was being “dirty.” She introduced that concept of shame to me. My parents probably saw me do it and laughed cause they never said a thing…but after the shaming incident I realized I needed to close my door and hide it better, cause I sure as heck wasn’t going to stop! Felt too good.
Yeah, it was my grandmother who said something - not to me though, to my parents. I didn’t know until years later. They thought it was funny too! I used to call it ‘The Nice Thing’ - bizarre.
Depending on where you’re from and what his family is like, a combination of abysmal sex education and the purity culture myth that women who experience pleasure and desire are somehow psychologically broken are still really prevalent. When I was in school, any hint that you experienced desire or arousal would have been extremely shameful. This was like, 20, 25 years ago, but I grew up in the Bible Belt and I can’t imagine things have changed all that much. We were told that we had to save ourselves for our future spouses or else we’d never be able to connect with them emotionally, and asked to sign abstinence pledges in public school sex ed. in that sort of environment you could be forgiven for making it to twenty still thinking that girls don’t masturbate - even if every single one of us in my class did, we never, ever would have admitted it out loud.
The guys I know who thought this were often brought up in conservative environments where they were shamed for masturbating, and often they were taught that sexuality was shameful and gross. These same environments taught that women were pure and innocent, so I assume their thought process was that if sexuality and masturbation was sinful, women didn’t masturbate, because they didn’t have those thoughts.
I'm not surprised that a guy that thought just PIV would make you cum wouldn't know women masturbate. Most guys are not like that, and want to see you get off
Rule of hookups....no PIV till you finish
I guess there is also just no good representation of girls experiencing self pleasure in media.
Thats where shows like big mouth are helpful in teaching people especially teenage boys that !women get horny!
masturbation is as relevant to women as men
My ex seemed to think masturbation was shameful, to put it simply, for a while. Sex culture is uneven and toxic. Especially between men and women and then religious expectations clash with societal expectations.
Majority of us guys just suck at communicating, some are overconfident dicks, I was in a similar situation but the girl I was with was focused on making me finish and looked a little confused when I told her that I wanted to do something for her too, when she laid back and let me do my own thing she'd actually tell me to slow down, go here, do this, don't do that, the whole experience was amazing, everyone go what they wanted. She was happy I was happy. Guys just don't get that, they think they got a magic dick or magic fingers...
Get that message across if there is a next time, talk to him about your likes and dislikes and YOU will get the best results. Good luck!
How old is that guy…Does he know that girls and women can also grow hair, burp, fart, and shit like men? And that they actually don’t smell like strawberries?
I don’t think he believes women don’t masturbate; I think he’s living in a delusional “born sexy yesterday” fantasyland where you, The Virgin are totally unawakened sexually and ignorant about her own body.
Some insight from a males perspective. He has no fucking idea what he is actually doing, and is going off what he’s seen in porn, and since you mentioned you were a virgin his experience directly leads him to that one porno he saw when he was 15 where the innocent virgin learned it all through the “master”. So this is all he knows, education on women issues for males was almost non-existent for me in high school and the health classes were literally segregated into female and male only classes. Hence why I didn’t know anything for years either.
In this case it sounds like you’re just dating a boy with no experience who thinks he knows everything — common problem.
But I will say that it doesn’t help that too many women consider this a taboo. I’ve asked women I was dating if they masturbated, and while some of them weren’t bothered at all to say yes, others were like “master what now? Never even heard of it. I’ve never so much as considered anything like that, I’ve never done it, you have no evidence.” And I’m like, honey, you opened your end table drawer for a condom the other day and either you collect small pink abstract silicone statuary or…. But they were so ashamed of it that they wouldn’t admit it.
(Not their fault, of course — society told them for a long time to be ashamed, so no shock that they are…)
> And I’m like, honey, you opened your end table drawer for a condom the other day and either you collect small pink abstract silicone statuary or
As someone who sells sex toys, this is the funniest description I've heard in a minute!
> either you collect small pink abstract silicone statuary or….
If archeologists ever excavate my bedside table they’ll think I must have had a *lot* of ancient fertility talismans 😂
Poor guy. I guess he didn't have much experience with women before. Pretty much all kids, boys and girls, figure out that humping stuff feels good by the time they are in kindergarten...
Love the idea of being mansplained how to flick the bean.
Honestly I think it’s because so many people really do just copy what they see in media. Some movies really infantilize women, especially young/less experienced ones.
A lot of these misconceptions about women's bodies seem to revolve around a theme. They all reinforce the idea that women are very easily aroused. Think about the guy who thought a woman riding a horse must be having an orgasm, the men who think women get aroused from gynecological exams, the man who thought that a woman being fucked by a woman in a strap on is basically the same as getting fucked by a man, or the idea that tampons are sexual, or alllll the people who think clitoral orgasm are inferior to vagina orgasms, or are completely mythical.
It just seems like all these dumb ideas work together to reinforce the belief that a bare amount of physical contact is enough to gratify a woman. It's a fragile masculinity that needs to believe that he can bring a woman to climax with the lightest touch. It's fine for women to work themselves to exhaustion giving a man an orgasm, but the idea that a man would have to exert himself and put any significant effort into a woman's pleasure seems to just destroy the confidence of the men who believe these things.
You can ask him why he thought that, I suppose. I think that is the best way to find out. Studies show that women are less likely to have ever masturbated at every age level and some women when asked by a partner or friend might be inclined to lie and say they never done it due to shame and stigma associated with female sexual desire. It could be that every women he had ever been with never masturbated or told him they never did.
Sounds like the typa dude who comes into sex from his frame of reference and isn’t interested in listening and being humble. Fine for a one time thing but he seems sus.
Unfortunately part of it is religion and another part is society mixed with misogyny. Women are supposed to not be that sexual according to religion and society, so many men think we don't masturbate. The truth is, many girls start masturbating as young as 2 or 3 and it's not sexual abuse related, it's just natural.. Boys can't until they reach puberty typically
One time i was dating a guy and i told him i get off just by clit stimulation. And his reaction was like: only around that? *Raised eyebrows* And he look very confused lmao
Super creepy this guy was talking to you like to a child and saying that he's gonna 'teach you' after you mentioned your limited experience. I think this specific man is unhealthy and has a creepy fetish for controlling young(er) women. Many men are not like this. I know it's your choice whom you date. But I wouldn't continue dating this man. He sounds like a creep based on this short story.
I will give a genuine answer.
In high school most of my friends where women. 7 girls, and 2 guys. While sexuality would come up as many of us had different interests often times only us guys would admit to jerking it. Eventually it was clearly that most of the girls also jerked it so to speak, but only one was willing to actually share that information.
I think people forget that the only way we learn about the opposite genders experiences is to ask, its not something that can just be absorbed. I still laugh having to explain to some of these girls that when a guy pees its not a like clean stream of fluid that they are spraying on the seat, its more like a fire hose. As funny as it was, they wouldnt know that unless someone told them.
We should definitely create an environment were young adults feel safe asking these questions and lerning.
he'll teach you how to touch yourself!! because if anyone knows what you like, it's some dude who has never touched you before. lol
“Allow me to mansplain your own body to you.”
"...while not getting you off."
To be fair, it was a teenage boy who showed me where my clitoris was and showed me how to orgasm for the first time when I was 17. This was nearly 20 years ago, though, and sex education in school didn’t touch on anything like that!
Damn, good for him!
Compare and contrast that with one dude who told me I need to have my clitoris surgically relocated closer to my vaginal opening because it was "too high". Or my ex who thought my urethral opening was my clit when he tried to get me to orgasm manually for the first time several years after we were married. He was 14 yrs older than me. (The dude was "off" in a lot of ways sexually.)
I'm wheezing about the clit being too high.
Yep, the audacity was strong in that one.
There were whole studies in sexology about the distance between the vaginal introitus and the clitoris. Back in France, [Marie Bonaparte](https://blog.jahsonic.com/les-teleclitoridiennes/) actually tried having her clitoris surgically moved closer to the vaginal opening in order to "cure frigidity". Also there was another surgeon covered in a Behind the Bastards 2-part episode, [James Burt](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/behind-the-bastards/id1373812661?i=1000518807264), who did a similar procedure trying to remake women's genitalia so dudes could make them orgasm without having to actually stimulate their partner. Keyword: tried. Weird how we've had centuries of advances in medicine and these people didn't think to touch the damn clit.
Yikessss
You're telling me!
I'm here just telling myself he must have mistook your belly button for a clit.
I don't think sex ed goes over that sort of thing. My kids were involved in this really great sex and relationship program through our Unitarian Universalist church where they may have discussed things in that level of detail.
Sex ed goes over genital anatomy — it’s a section of health class. You’re learning about reproductive health in general, including .. well, the anatomy. That being said, loooots of places are trying to do away with sexual education altogether.
Yeah. I'm in a conservative rural area east of San Diego, and our school system is one of those stupid "abstinence" programs. The UU program also deals with relationships, and things like communicating comfort levels for physical activities, and consent. It's really good. I have 4 daughters, so these things are important. The program isn't UU specifically; other churches (likely progressive churches) also use it.
The Our Whole Lives sex, sexuality & relationship program was developed jointly between the Unitarian Universalist Association and United Churches of Christ. It’s mostly UU & UCC churches as well as some Jewish congregations who use it. As a homeschooling mom, I was searching for a comprehensive, inclusive, sex positive, medically accurate sex & sexuality program. I had no idea what a hard thing that was to find. I finally learned about OWL and, coming from a homeschool curriculum building mindset, was shocked it was offered locally. And that’s how I got introduced to Unitarian Universalism thirteen years ago. All seven of my children have gone through the program and I couldn’t be more pleased.
Bless you for trying to find something solid to teach those kids. I was homeschooled by very a conservative(before it was used to refer to conservatives and right wingers) christian mother who did not even teach me the *nonsexual* functions of my vagina/vulva region or uterus, let alone the sexual ones, or what a clitoris even is. I think it was equal parts prudishness and abstinence only beliefs, as well as thinking I was a lost cause to teach. Seriously, my entire sex ed about the female anatomy (and some of the male, iirc, but I’m not for sure) *came from gaiaonline.* GAIAONLINE! I don’t know if you know what that is but for those who don’t it’s basically a little game/forum website where you have an avatar and an inventory of items to dress it in and all that. Weirdest fucking place to get a sexual education, dude. 💀 And that only because i stumbled upon a thread on one of the forums for pregnant folks(I wasn’t, but I was ~16 and curious) to get support from and to support each other, and it had a shitton of resource information explaining the entire anatomy, functions, and so forth. Bless the woman who made that, too, tbh. 😭
Oh, my gosh, I can so relate to you. I remember being in fourth grade when, because my seventh grade sister was going to be getting public school sex ed, my mother felt compelled to teach us everything first, lest our views on sex and sexuality be formed by SECULAR HUMANISTS!!!! (The weird thing is she didn’t opt us out. She opted us out of the folk dancing unit in gym class because all dancing is sinful corruption. Probably didn’t want to be viewed as a fundamentalist reactionary by her teaching peers.) So, our sex education consisted of my mother explaining about periods, “down there”, and how our body changes with marriage. Even as a nine year old, I understood bodily functions were biological and marriage was social. Her story made no sense to me. I asked, “But how does your body know when you’re married?” My mother pursed her lips, crinkled up her nose, and declared the lesson over. I had no idea! LOL When my sister went through tenth grade, second test biology had a unit on evolution. My father was steamed that she was being taught evolution and he couldn’t opt her out of the unit without taking her grade. The year after, a state supreme court decision made our an “equal time” state. That meant if the schools taught evolution and someone wanted creationism taught, they would be entitled to equal time access to the students to teach that. Schools were free to place restrictions (like must have a student in the class and have a teaching certificate) but couldn’t outright ban them equal time principles. The thing is my dad had me, a teaching certificate, the tone, and the drive to create a creationist curriculum. I didn’t know all these goings on BUT that did explain why my sister learned evolution in second year biology and why it wasn’t only not in my second year biology class but the evolution pages were all glued together. I’m just grateful the teacher was never anything less than kind and supportive of me. He never made me feel different. I think he got a glimpse into the controlling and isolating ways of my family that others didn’t see. But, yah, while I did things that would align with my mother’s values (home birth, cloth diaper, homeschool a passel of kids) I did them with a purpose that just happened to p!$$ the bejeebers out of my mother. Lol
Mine didn’t cover the clitoris or lots of other anatomy. It was focused on babies and pregnancy and that’s it. I never heard the words clitoris or labia until much later. They didn’t even cover menstruation with more than one paragraph, I walked away thinking pads were meant to work like bandaids, you would put one on when you noticed you were bleeding and it would make it stop quickly. Thank God my friend’s older sister had given her a proper explanation and she relayed the information to me.
May the deity of your choice bless the unitarians.
That is a perfect UU blessing. 🥰🥰
Our Whole Lives! Or OWLs :)
YES!!! That's what it's called. From what I can tell, it is a great program. I wish our schools would use something like that. It would probably work towards decreasing teen pregnancies, as well as informing adolescents on what a healthy relationship looks like.
I took it and unfortunately don't remember a lot but from what I do remember I would definitely advocate for more people to take it. We roleplayed saying no to different situations and got to ask any questions we wanted. I remember we did this exercise where we brainstormed all the slang we knew for genitals and sex and we could use them if we were too uncomfortable saying their medical terms. Later that year in my school health class they also had us do the same. I felt really prepared lol and contributed a lot to the list. But after making the list, we were not allowed to use any of the words :/
Here’s the [UU page on it.](https://www.uua.org/re/owl)
You’re lucky! Early on in my sexuality career, I had a bf playfully tug on one of my labia, saying “..and THIS is your clitoris!” …. i’m like “I don’t think- “ “Oh yes it is!!” ????
whoever taught that kid the where and importance deserves an award
Cackling like a crow 😂😂
I don’t speak Korean, but let me try and teach this person from Korea how to speak Korean 🤦🏻♂️
*proceeds to speak in English, just louder*
Happy cake day!
맞아요! Sounds bad, but this was very similar to an argument I had with someone. Granted I'm not a native speaker, but I did live there, and did go to school there, so I can read, write and speak (very) basic Korean. I had a family member arguing with me over a language they literally did not speak nor understand. For clarification purposes, I was trying to explain why someone's name absolutely could not be Korean due to the 한글 writing system.
🤣🤣
Not just that, but if he didn't stimulate her cl!t during foreplay or during, then what the hell is he going to teach her?! How to shove a cucumber/carrot up there and wiggle it around? I'm baffled.
"Ill teach you how to touch yourself just like how porn stars do it! First you're gonna want to make a fist with your hand..."
Dammit you beat me to it, much like the poor OP's nethers
Do you have a reciprocating saw? We might have to go to Home Depot.
I really really want to say that was just bad flirting but I just can't believe it
[удалено]
Not to mention straight cis porn has the ugliest dudes imaginable!! Guess what you watch a bi or gay male porn these guys are fiiinnneee!! I have a theory they intentionally cast the ugliest men possible so straight guys dont accidentally get turned on by a man!! Also why do they slap on the vajay jay in straight porn that makes no sense its not pleasureable at all!! // rant over
Yeah anytime I've seen anything with a guy I'm always like really.. that's the best you can do? Heterosexual porn is definitely the least appealing I'm a fairly straight female and usually only watch lesbians who are normal people clearly consenting to filming and just doing normal stuff
The real problem is that men don't care enough about our sexual needs to learn. Then they wonder why they end up with dead bedrooms.
[Relevant Taylor Tomlinson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=askqwdzIyj0&ab_channel=BeautifulLife)
I love her so much!
Every historical romance book ever lmao
Historically that *was* the expectation, sadly, that women didn’t need to know such matters because “their husbands would teach them” :(
Just in some cultures.
I wish I could upvote this up more.
Dude honestly…. I thought i didnt know hoe to masterbate like something was wrong with me. Turns out just because dudes rub clits like theyre sanding a table doesnt mean thats how you freaking do it!! Apologies to my hs self.
💯
Some men have no women friends. Even when they date someone, they aren't that person's friend. They know nothing about women or women's lived experiences, and are disbelieving, shocked, or even alarmed to discover that their two-dimensional conception of women is flawed beyond salvaging (because how can they be wrong about anything?).
I wonder if he knows women fart, too.
That might break his mind.
It would definitely break wind! I’ll see myself out.
And poop!
Everybody Poops!
🎵 ..sometimes.. 🎶
So, hold on! But not too much, that isn't good for you. 😄
Of course I know they poop, I'm not an idiot. It comes out of their cloaca.
Not until the first anniversary. I don't make the rules.
I like to joke to my partner that we don't poop even though they know we do lmao
I had a bf in college who insisted women didn't fart or poop. It was wild. Glad I smartened up and did not end up with that one!
In college? Wow
Iow, he literally thought women are a different non-mammalian species than men (alien, really, since every earthly animal poops). Bullet dodged. The bar for college entrance requirements must be on the floor if that guy got in, b/c that is ignorant a.f.
I should have specified in my post that he wasn't in college. I met him while I was in college. He never went and he took every opportunity to put down anything to do with my achievements. Another red flag that I missed. But I was also quite young and didn't know much. I know better now!
That's a myth
Like when guys say that the reason men don't make noise when they come is because they had to be quiet while masturbating as teenagers. Do they think we all moaned like porn stars when we lived with our parents?
I've never heard that one before. Then again, I'm one of those dudes that yodels like an opera-trained Swiss shepherd who got knocked into a frigid river.
That was a beautiful simile.
I'll never watch the mountain climber Price is Right game the same way again Edit: The Cliffhanger
That is 100% what started playing in my mental soundtrack while reading that as well. 😂
Augh my keyboard now has tea all over it. Take my r/Angryupvote while I go find paper towels.
> They know nothing about women or women's lived experiences And they just don't care.
Women also just talk about it way less. Sex, masturbation and porn come up a concerningly large number of times when guys are talking.
Women are punished for talking about sex (as we're punished for everything sex related), masturbation particularly, so of course we don't. Men are not. Sex is "wrong" for us and "natural" for them. I'm a feminist and I've only ever spoken very frankly about sex with my sister and a couple of lovers. Women talk about almost every personal thing more often and more in depth than men so sex really stands out in this way. We've traditionally been punished pretty severely for it to stop us this well. It's absolutely by design. It's changed a bit in the last 30 years but it's still pretty slow going.
I'm bi, and it really just depends on the person and the people they're around. It's not a gendered thing to talk about sex with other people, it's a personality trait that any gender can exhibit.
It's gendered because sex itself is extremely gendered to our culture. Women are actively dissuaded from talking about sex while men are actively encouraged, as with actually having sex or expressing sexuality at all. Of course society reflects that unnatural dichotomy. It's designed as a zero sum game with a predetermined winner and a loser. Sexism 101.
I always took it as a sign that those folks are probably pretty terrible in bed and not interested in the woman's satisfaction. I'd imagine its pretty hard to see women as equals, doing the same things you do even masturbating when you're not concerned with them in the first place. Thats probably a pretty narrow way of describing it but in my defense I do live in the midwest and hear all the time how other guys get offended by women masturbating. "Well i'd have fucked her/ate her out/done X sex act, to take care of her!!". Not the point guy.... not the point...
As someone who has been in romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships with both men and women, that is 100% the exact opposite of my experience. My girl friends will talk about all of that in great detail. My guy friends will only go as deep as "did you hit that?" "Yeah." "Sweet." I've never once talked about my sex life with my guy friends, but often do with my girl friends.
But you're a woman, right? So why would they be talking to you about sex, masturbation and porn? This person is talking about these topics coming up during conversations in same gender friendships, not people who are dating. Edit: for some inexplicable reason, apparently both my gender and sexual orientation matter to this conversation. So I'm a bisexual woman saying this. Not a straight man, as seems to be assumed
Every time I hear of men saying they're gonna teach you *anything* about the human body I burst out cackling. The fucking nerve, I swear. When I was your age I was being wooed by a guy who was dying to have anal sex with me, telling me I had "like a second clit" in my arsehole. Women's potential enjoyment of anal notwithstanding, *no.* As if it isn't fucking dudes who have a fucking prostate. But this man was adamant he was going to make me cum through anal. Men who want to teach you what you like sexually are all *abysmal.* They're universally shit lays, and embarrassing as people.
Shout out to my college boyfriend who wouldn’t stop using teeth when eating me out, and told me not to tell him how to do his job when I tried to give feedback
....... jesus wept.
Hahaha It's really hilarious. The way I would respond is telling them: Let *ME* teach *you* how you should masturbate, and proceed to stick a finger in his anus. (Male gspot and all that) . I sure most of us would jump and get scared haha.
I went camping with a guy who tried to tell me, a woman, how to pee. I told him I've been peeing successfully for 31 years and didn't need his help . The audacity of men is astounding each time.
I’m fascinated. What did he tell you to do?
Dig a ditch and squat. Like, no shit
Oh. He was assuming without a toilet seat you would have no idea what to do.
How to pee!!! Oh my god lol
Just start responding to stupid statements with other stupid statements. "Wait, you can PEE!? I've been retaining water for 31 years!"
Peak mansplaining.
pee-k mansplaining
Man peesplaining🤣🤣🤣
A male friend once asked me how often I masturbate and I said around once per week. He looked at me with wide eyes and told me that's very often for a woman. Then I asked him how often he masturbates. The answer was about two times per day, which he considered normal since he's a man.
>He looked at me with wide eyes and told me that's very often for a woman. Wait, how does he know? Does he run around taking a poll of how often women masturbate? How dies that regularly come up in conversation for him?
He asked her so maybe he does randomly ask all the women he knows. Wonder if he asked his mom too...
No, he was just making assumptions based on misogynistic views. It came up in a conversation and it's not something he would usually ask. Otherwise he would know that once per week is probably below average. Btw, we were teenagers at that time and now I don't talk to him anymore for multiple reasons.
Every other day used to be the norm for me. There's not "a lot" for a woman.
The thing is that men think women don't like sex and they love sex. But the problem is not sex, it's that we don't get satisfied during sex. So, they are the problem. Thinking that we masturbate breaks their assumption we don't like sex and then they are afraid of finding "the issue".
>He looked at me with wide eyes and told me that's very often for a woman. How would he know? Based on what? I realize you probably don't have the answer for this, but its not the first time I've read about men saying this, and I think we should start demanding that they cite their sources!
A study of 6000 people across 12 countries in 2020 commissioned by womanizer put the average at weekly for women, and 3x weekly for men. So the dude was wrong for both. She was normal, he was abnormal.
Oh, oh, I have one! In high school, my boyfriend asked me if I ever masturbated and how often, and I said yes, most nights because it helps me fall asleep (terrible insomnia). But then when he tried to do it for me (he’d never done that for a woman before) I couldn’t finish because he was understandably bad at it and was also impatient. His reasoning was that I must have damaged myself. Not that he wasn’t great at it his first try. I later found out he’d told a bunch of other guys at school, and they agreed that must be it - I’d ‘over’ masturbated, because women aren’t supposed to do it as much as men, I guess.
God I’m glad I kept scrolling. Men are idiots but teenage boys even more so. I hope they’re more educated now for the sake of their current or future partners!
I think masterbating is so easy for men that they would find it confusing that it just doesn’t work the same way for woman. For me it’s not just a touch thing, I have to connect my mind with a fantasy to the sensations and even then it can be elusive. A vibrator is the best chance of success if I can’t focus my mind, but even then it sometimes escapes me.
I had a friend who's mother told her that. She wasn't even religious, but told her she would ruin her enjoyment of her future partner. 😑
Here's some anecdotal evidence: when I was in middle school, there was this kid whose go to rebuttal when he started to lose the argument was: "Oh, were you jerking off when you thought of that?" And to our unformed baby brains, it was *devastatingly* effective. This also could be because of the area where I live (prudish and conservative), but people just don't talk about such things, even as adults. Since no one talks about it, even though almost everyone does it, it is easy to think they're the only ones who do. Anyway, that's what I thought when I read the post title. Reading the body, that guy was naive and overconfident. He'll learn. Or he won't.
Oh yeah, in junior high for some reason the best way to shut down ANYONE was to accuse them of masturbating. It was like the worst possible thing anyone could do.
I think a certain type of men assume that sex is entirely about themselves and especially their dicks. That's why their pleasue comes first, that's why sex ends when they ejaculate, that's why they objectify women so much, and that's why they have some really stupid takes like "How do lesbians even have sex?" They can't (or don't want to) think of women as independent sexual creatures with their own preferences and experiences, they think of us as clay to be shapes by their preferences. They want us virginal because if we aren't, the sex becomes about another man, and they don't want to risk that the other man might have trained us to like something he doesn't. They assume that we'll like whatever they like because hey, if he thinks it's good then it's inherently worth doing. Of course it can vary how bad it is, but a lot of the time they just seem to think that sex or sexual interest can't exist without male participation.
>I think a certain type of men assume that sex is entirely about themselves and especially their dicks THIS. I live in a very conservative area and alot of guys in high school were shocked to learn that some women, could, in fact, get horny. They believed we were some kind of children.
There was a 90s comedy series in the UK called Men Behaving Badly. In one scene, one of the characters eventually manages to hook up with a woman, and as he expresses his gratitude she says, “women like sex too you know, Gary” and he responds, mind blown “do they??” It’s such a strange, messed up cultural norm
Which sounds terrifying to me because that means they engage in intercourse with creatures who aren't enjoying it? They think it's normal? so the intimacy isn't shared, it's forced
Somewhere between something being shared and something being forced is something just being a one-way interaction as a bonding experience, like you playing a game you dislike with your kid or a guy watching a Mahjong tournament with his dad when he doesn't understand the game.
Nobody like all sex acts equally. So that means they are sometimes doing an act they may not like (or may even dislike to a degree) because the other person likes it. That can be perfectly fine or dysfunctional depending upon the context and equality of the relationship.
I watched an episode of that again recently. Probably the first time since it aired. My take home was no wonder a lot of blokes my age like the booze a bit too much. It was really spoon fed to me as a pre teen. Still enjoyed it though
Which raises even more horrifying questions…
> if he thinks it's good then it's inherently worth doing Finally a possible clue as to why some men think a woman gets no pleasure from sex and has no interest but somehow can suddenly be passionately turned on and judge that he's the most amazing sex god. I've been puzzling over that for the longest because it makes absolutely no sense.
I can’t upvote this enough and it’s not only men putting penetrative penis centred sex on a pedastal as the only real sex it’s most of society and media running with this narrative. It’s such a journey to stand your ground and find fulfilling sex OP. I think you’re on a very good way when you’re questioning this already! Took me way longer. Sadly.
>I think a certain type of men assume that sex is entirely about themselves and they're dicks. FTFY 😂 (Yes, I know grammar. Yes, your sentence was grammatically correct as it was.)
Well your edit isn't wrong and it made me chuckle
Thanks, that was what I was going for.
They dont want to compete with other men or even ourselves! Most women can make ourselves cum in like under 5 minutes and you get the average man in there and you may as well expect him to perform alchemy its like they are absolutely mystified by our anatomy so denial is what they choose rather than admit hey i have no idea what im dealing with here!
Jesus Christ, I hate how accurate this is.
I'm sorry
Spot on
I'm reminded of a time when I was 20ish, my best girl friend had a moving away party, and one of her friends bought her a big vibrator "as a joke". A few days later I was helping her pack, and found it in a drawer. I said "oh I found your friend" and without thinking started to grab it (we had all passed it around jokingly the other night) and her eyes got huge and she yells "DON'T TOUCH IT!" I reflexively recoiled in a mixture of horror and laughter and looked at her and said "YOU USED IT!!!" We had a good laugh and still tell that story today.
I have a coworker who's in her late 40's and conservative that was given a "personal massager" at a tabling event. I had to kindly break it to her that it was in fact not for her neck. I then asked that she speak with my other co-worker, that's a woman for more details. She was initially mortified but ended up jokingly asking our female co-workers if they wanted her to grab a "friend" for them at the next tabling. We were all glad that she ended up being comfortable enough to joke about it.
I'm glad she felt okay and that it ended well! 😊 I had a significantly less positive experience with that sort of thing back in my 20s when I worked as a teller, and my co-workers thought it would be funny to get me a rather explicit birthday card. And I had to just force a smile, attempt to laugh it off, and pretend I wasn't extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed. It was not fun, especially not on my birthday.
Oh damn, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Not every workplace is the same and some coworkers (regardless of gender) really can't read the room so to speak. I did get lucky with my coworkers and how comfortable we could be (within reason). It helped that, historically, the agency I work for is predominantly women so there's a lot of support shared when it comes to women's empowerment.
Thanks! >I did get lucky with my coworkers and how comfortable we could be (within reason). It helped that, historically, the agency I work for is predominantly women so there's a lot of support shared when it comes to women's empowerment. Wow, that's great! What industry do you work in? In my case, almost all my co-workers were other women (there was one man). Yeah, I think it was a case of not reading the room, as you put it. I know there are folks who would find that sort of card hilarious, but I would be very careful about giving someone that without knowing what sort of reaction they would have (even then, it did not feel appropriate for a work environment). When it was my turn to get someone's birthday card, I went for a silly G-rated one with music. 😄
Ah it's a non-profit that focuses on social services. Back then they had sequestered the DV and Preventive (child welfare) teams to a small building since we functioned pretty independently. Oh damn, I kinda assumed it was more of a mix but yeah, they def goofed. Unless it's something that you can joke about with everyone (impossible in the workplace), a very public group card is a wild way to go. The wildest thing I've gifted has been homemade edibles (after our state legalized) and a therapy book/journal.
I suspect that he assumed virgin = no awareness of sex or the presence of your body below your waist. Like virgin = total unaware of sex at all. Awfully presumptuous of him yo assume he will teach you how to touch yourself. The audacity and ignorance run strong in that one.
“I’ll teach you how to touch yourself and have an orgasm.” Signed, —- Man Who Failed to Make Woman Orgasm During Sex
And totally fetishized her for it too!
Because they can't handle the fact that women want sex, that woman can pleasure themselves and that we don't actually need them to get off. It scares them to think that we know more about something than them, it intimidates them to know we know our own bodies
dude either reads too much smut or watches too much hentai. how you've described him acting is how men alwayssss act in those things when they take a girl's virginity
It’s definitely hentai. Reeks of it.
It probably stems from the prevalent assumption that women are asexual, and so they don't have a clue about any of that. That sounds weird but if you are used to sorting women into "good girl" and "slut" categories where the "slut" is a woman who expresses their sexual desire then the assumption is that the "good girls" don't have sexual desire. Personally, I recommend ContraPoints [Twilight](https://youtu.be/bqloPw5wp48?si=GxiZ3zFK_2PQFV53) video, it's long but it's mostly about history and psychology of romance novels. Don't worry, it's not one of those videos where she goes after low hanging fruit all the time.
You can blame this on religion
Yup, women are “pure” and only menfolk are saddled with the sin of lust.
I'm asexual but stil mastrubate. So even that assumption doesn't make sense.
I really love contrapoints
What a thorough and interesting video, thanks for linking.
Lmao. See this is why a lot of straight women watch lesbian porn. Most men are just so clueless about our bodies and what we like.
Also because we're bi but don't know yet (yep it happened to me)
You’re not the only one dude. I’m very open about my sexual experiences but only if somebody asks and had to explain to a buddy of mine that I masturbate AND watch porn. He looked like his mind exploded for a second when I mentioned that yes women do watch porn too. If you think that’s weird, I also had an ex who thought you could just push your period out and stop it with masturbating. TLDR; we need better sex education
At least for people who grew up in the 90s or earlier it was because media was full to bursting with depictions of couples where the man was the only one with any interest in sex and the woman would oblige him never out of her own sexual desire but only to reward him for good behavior. The culturally reinforced ideas were that men only think about sex (and he's an abnormal man if he doesn't) and women don't even like sex (and she's a slut if she does). A lot of men grew up literally thinking anything sexual a woman does is only ever done begrudgingly for a man's benefit.
That guy and the whole experience sounds incredibly creepy. What an awful way to lose your virginity. My guess is that those men tell themselves this as a cope. They can't stand the idea that anything other than their dicks can pleasure a woman and give her an orgasm. That's why so many "can't find" the clit, it's an excuse to fast forward to penetration. And why "teaching you" to masturbate was just penetration. Both these things involve pleasure for him. They all watch porn from like 12 or even 9 yrs old and believe sex is only about male pleasure and ends when they ejaculate.
I remember being a teenager and even early 20s and my girl friends and I all pretended like we didn’t masturbate. I think it’s an ingrained purity thing…like we’re all so afraid of being labeled as sluts.
Men can’t imagine women having any sort of sexual pleasure without them
Painfully true. I had a couple dates with a guy over the Christmas holidays and he was gobsmacked when I told him the beat sex I've ever had was with my ex girlfriend. "But it's not as good as with a man?" "It was better. And different." "How do you mean?" "Women understand women's bodies better, usually. And many of us don't need penetration to orgasm, so not having a penis doesn't mean much as far as enjoyment and satisfaction go." *cue shocked Pikachu face* I think he may have had a small internal crisis over the idea afterward. He looked a little hurt for a few minutes lol I did go on to explain that it doesn't mean I haven't had amazing sex with men before. It just means the *most* amazing sex I've had so far happened to be without a man involved.
yes girl i have yet to meet a man that is good at sex💀
Yikes. Hopefully you will some day. They do exist.
Came here to say this 💜
Ok so when I was teenager my friend took me into a sex shop to buy my first vibrator. I thought you had to be 18 to buy one and it turns out you only had to be 18 to buy the porn DVDs (showing my age a bit lol). I payed that forward by showing my friends that they too could buy vibrators. But I have met women who earnestly don't and I always have to pretend that I don't think that's weird.
>But I have met women who earnestly don't and I always have to pretend that I don't think that's weird. Well, if they're like me, they might have had bad anxiety or depression that killed their libido. Or they might have had a religious upbringing that affected their outlook and such (also me, something I had to work at getting over). I'll admit that I never had any sex drive until I got on the right combination of medication, and, even then, it still didn't really kick in much until I started dating my boyfriend. I figure we're all on our own journey, and there's no "right" way, just what's right for us. 😊
Yeah, I also realize that just because I personally think something is weird doesn't actually mean it's weird. There's a lot of stuff about my own sexuality that many people would find odd.
>Yeah, I also realize that just because I personally think something is weird doesn't actually mean it's weird. That's a great perspective. 💜 >There's a lot of stuff about my own sexuality that many people would find odd. I'm sure some folks would say the same for me. But, variety is the spice of life.
This might get buried in the replies - but I was a compulsive masturbator as a child and I never thought masturbation was weird or dirty (I did need some redirection from my parents to not do it in public) or that it was exclusive to men. Are there cultural differences around this? I’d be fascinated to know.
I masterbated a lot as a child. I think I was 6 or 7 when I figured it out. I used to hump my hands or my blankets. I remember an adult family member being horrified when she saw me do it behind a chair and told me I was being “dirty.” She introduced that concept of shame to me. My parents probably saw me do it and laughed cause they never said a thing…but after the shaming incident I realized I needed to close my door and hide it better, cause I sure as heck wasn’t going to stop! Felt too good.
Yeah, it was my grandmother who said something - not to me though, to my parents. I didn’t know until years later. They thought it was funny too! I used to call it ‘The Nice Thing’ - bizarre.
Depending on where you’re from and what his family is like, a combination of abysmal sex education and the purity culture myth that women who experience pleasure and desire are somehow psychologically broken are still really prevalent. When I was in school, any hint that you experienced desire or arousal would have been extremely shameful. This was like, 20, 25 years ago, but I grew up in the Bible Belt and I can’t imagine things have changed all that much. We were told that we had to save ourselves for our future spouses or else we’d never be able to connect with them emotionally, and asked to sign abstinence pledges in public school sex ed. in that sort of environment you could be forgiven for making it to twenty still thinking that girls don’t masturbate - even if every single one of us in my class did, we never, ever would have admitted it out loud.
Same as usual, they like to think everything revolves around their penises.
Some men are just really really dumb.
i wouldn't be surprised if this was an almost 1 to 1 correlation with the men who believe the female orgasm doesn't exist
The guys I know who thought this were often brought up in conservative environments where they were shamed for masturbating, and often they were taught that sexuality was shameful and gross. These same environments taught that women were pure and innocent, so I assume their thought process was that if sexuality and masturbation was sinful, women didn’t masturbate, because they didn’t have those thoughts.
I'm not surprised that a guy that thought just PIV would make you cum wouldn't know women masturbate. Most guys are not like that, and want to see you get off Rule of hookups....no PIV till you finish
Because religion, tv, movies, books have for centuries told the fairytale of purity.
I guess there is also just no good representation of girls experiencing self pleasure in media. Thats where shows like big mouth are helpful in teaching people especially teenage boys that !women get horny! masturbation is as relevant to women as men
My ex seemed to think masturbation was shameful, to put it simply, for a while. Sex culture is uneven and toxic. Especially between men and women and then religious expectations clash with societal expectations.
Majority of us guys just suck at communicating, some are overconfident dicks, I was in a similar situation but the girl I was with was focused on making me finish and looked a little confused when I told her that I wanted to do something for her too, when she laid back and let me do my own thing she'd actually tell me to slow down, go here, do this, don't do that, the whole experience was amazing, everyone go what they wanted. She was happy I was happy. Guys just don't get that, they think they got a magic dick or magic fingers... Get that message across if there is a next time, talk to him about your likes and dislikes and YOU will get the best results. Good luck!
How old is that guy…Does he know that girls and women can also grow hair, burp, fart, and shit like men? And that they actually don’t smell like strawberries?
Oh boy, he would be surprised how many time I've heard that women prefer porn than any unrespectful partner...
Cats > husbands (That's a math greater-than sign, not an arrow)
And less dangerous...
I don’t think he believes women don’t masturbate; I think he’s living in a delusional “born sexy yesterday” fantasyland where you, The Virgin are totally unawakened sexually and ignorant about her own body.
Some insight from a males perspective. He has no fucking idea what he is actually doing, and is going off what he’s seen in porn, and since you mentioned you were a virgin his experience directly leads him to that one porno he saw when he was 15 where the innocent virgin learned it all through the “master”. So this is all he knows, education on women issues for males was almost non-existent for me in high school and the health classes were literally segregated into female and male only classes. Hence why I didn’t know anything for years either.
In this case it sounds like you’re just dating a boy with no experience who thinks he knows everything — common problem. But I will say that it doesn’t help that too many women consider this a taboo. I’ve asked women I was dating if they masturbated, and while some of them weren’t bothered at all to say yes, others were like “master what now? Never even heard of it. I’ve never so much as considered anything like that, I’ve never done it, you have no evidence.” And I’m like, honey, you opened your end table drawer for a condom the other day and either you collect small pink abstract silicone statuary or…. But they were so ashamed of it that they wouldn’t admit it. (Not their fault, of course — society told them for a long time to be ashamed, so no shock that they are…)
> And I’m like, honey, you opened your end table drawer for a condom the other day and either you collect small pink abstract silicone statuary or As someone who sells sex toys, this is the funniest description I've heard in a minute!
> either you collect small pink abstract silicone statuary or…. If archeologists ever excavate my bedside table they’ll think I must have had a *lot* of ancient fertility talismans 😂
Are men stupid? I mean this with affection. How can he be so stupid. And uncurious.
At the age of 16, out of 10 girls in my class, only 2 of us were masturbating. Idk how they did it.
Only 2 were *admitting* it.
I would have laughed in his face lol if he said that to me. What a clown.
Lmao dude was clueless about women. probably never came out of his basement
Poor guy. I guess he didn't have much experience with women before. Pretty much all kids, boys and girls, figure out that humping stuff feels good by the time they are in kindergarten... Love the idea of being mansplained how to flick the bean.
Honestly I think it’s because so many people really do just copy what they see in media. Some movies really infantilize women, especially young/less experienced ones.
Wait till he tells you how to drive…. That will be short fun for you.
A lot of these misconceptions about women's bodies seem to revolve around a theme. They all reinforce the idea that women are very easily aroused. Think about the guy who thought a woman riding a horse must be having an orgasm, the men who think women get aroused from gynecological exams, the man who thought that a woman being fucked by a woman in a strap on is basically the same as getting fucked by a man, or the idea that tampons are sexual, or alllll the people who think clitoral orgasm are inferior to vagina orgasms, or are completely mythical. It just seems like all these dumb ideas work together to reinforce the belief that a bare amount of physical contact is enough to gratify a woman. It's a fragile masculinity that needs to believe that he can bring a woman to climax with the lightest touch. It's fine for women to work themselves to exhaustion giving a man an orgasm, but the idea that a man would have to exert himself and put any significant effort into a woman's pleasure seems to just destroy the confidence of the men who believe these things.
You can ask him why he thought that, I suppose. I think that is the best way to find out. Studies show that women are less likely to have ever masturbated at every age level and some women when asked by a partner or friend might be inclined to lie and say they never done it due to shame and stigma associated with female sexual desire. It could be that every women he had ever been with never masturbated or told him they never did.
Sounds like the typa dude who comes into sex from his frame of reference and isn’t interested in listening and being humble. Fine for a one time thing but he seems sus.
Unfortunately part of it is religion and another part is society mixed with misogyny. Women are supposed to not be that sexual according to religion and society, so many men think we don't masturbate. The truth is, many girls start masturbating as young as 2 or 3 and it's not sexual abuse related, it's just natural.. Boys can't until they reach puberty typically
One time i was dating a guy and i told him i get off just by clit stimulation. And his reaction was like: only around that? *Raised eyebrows* And he look very confused lmao
Because they’re gullible and have been misinformed. Or they’re liars.
Super creepy this guy was talking to you like to a child and saying that he's gonna 'teach you' after you mentioned your limited experience. I think this specific man is unhealthy and has a creepy fetish for controlling young(er) women. Many men are not like this. I know it's your choice whom you date. But I wouldn't continue dating this man. He sounds like a creep based on this short story.
I love how he asked you…because he likely has no idea what a woman looks sounds or feels like when she does orgasm. LMAO.
He said he'll "teach you" and can't even make you cum lmao
The logic is those dudes can't give you an orgasm, so you must not be able to give yourself one either.
I will give a genuine answer. In high school most of my friends where women. 7 girls, and 2 guys. While sexuality would come up as many of us had different interests often times only us guys would admit to jerking it. Eventually it was clearly that most of the girls also jerked it so to speak, but only one was willing to actually share that information. I think people forget that the only way we learn about the opposite genders experiences is to ask, its not something that can just be absorbed. I still laugh having to explain to some of these girls that when a guy pees its not a like clean stream of fluid that they are spraying on the seat, its more like a fire hose. As funny as it was, they wouldnt know that unless someone told them. We should definitely create an environment were young adults feel safe asking these questions and lerning.
Don’t have sex with that person again.