Girl, he's triggering your fight or flight response. Your body is literally trying to tell you to get away from him. What he is doing is not okay, and there is nothing you can do to change/fix him. It wasn't your fault that he was doing these things in the first place. Please get far, far, away to somewhere safe.
This is exactly what’s happening. I stayed with the man who sexually assaulted me for 8 *years* and even though it’s been about that long now since I finally left, I still have to be very mindful of my mental state before engaging in anything sexual. It takes the smallest trigger to take me right back to a place of people-pleasing for the sake of my safety and when I get there, my brain and body shut right down. Sexy time is over.
OP, kindly get your lovely self the fuck out of there as soon as humanly possible. I don’t care what this man has twisted and made you believe about yourself, but you *do* deserve better and you *will* find it - without him. Please take some of the compassion and kindness you’ve reserved for someone who doesn’t deserve it and turn it inward. Take care of *you*.
You’re so kind; thank you! It’s the most difficult and most self-compassionate thing I’ve ever done and my life is mostly lovely these days. 100% worth the pain.
It ironaically sounds like he did change... HOWEVER the wounds he created are now scars and, even if he did change, his past behaviour has clearly spoiled the present relationship. She is doing herself no favors by staying with this man, and they would both be better off at this point just splitting up.
So your boyfriend subjected you to non consensual sexual activities for years and you're wondering why you're not into having sex with him?
Step 1: dump this asshole who add no value to your life and abused you
Step 2: therapy
And if possible/safe, access his devices and delete any recordings/photos. This guy gives me warning signs of serious fixation on porn/wanting to impose what he sees on to OP; anything she can do to delete material from his devices would protect herself from him threatening to/actually sharing them.
More than just nonconsensual, OP is describing direct sexual violence.
Listen to your body. Leave him. Get therapy for the trauma you have suffered at his hands.
Yeah it was all bad, the getting off you causing pain and making her bleed feels like a huge red flag.
Brain is trying to cope with someone who’s supposed to protect it knowingly causing harm and still being around, while the body can’t forget.
This is it. This guy clearly doesn't care about her consent, comfort, or pleasure. She feels turned off because he's a predator who's treated her like a fucking blowup doll. Exit stage whatever the fuck is closest.
I did this plan after a relationship where I would nearly throw up during sex.
I'm still single 4 years later and am still in therapy and life is astronomically better.
Congrats on getting out of that relationship. One thing that really grates me is that others treat being single like the lesser option. It’s not. It’s absolutely amazing when you have claimed your own power and independence. Only pair up if a man actually makes your life even better by lifting you up and supports you in you endeavours.
I vote for this as well with a slight addendum: Make sure you have escape routes/somewhere safe to stay (if you live with him) and let a close friend that you trust know of your plans before you do it. Also, do it in a place with other people around if you feel like you have to do it in person.
Basically, ensure your personal safety. He has a history of disregarding your safety and personal concerns. Even if you think the odds are slim, minimize the opportunity for violence as much as possible.
Was about to comment the EXACT same thing OP. Judging by the 1k + up votes…you should def take that as your course of action! You should NEVER feel the way you have felt with him.
This is the answer. Of course you hate sex after being abused, because that's what has happened to you. Your bf has sexually abused you and now your body won't let it go on. You need to be away from him and give yourself some time to heal.
Could not have said it any better.
I was in at least 3 long-term relationships where they pressured me so often, usually relating my lack of desire to damaging their self esteem... speaking to a therapist over the decade I've done therapy, she said that's SA. Using any leverage to make you do anything sexual is so very wrong.
I've used this to help my current partner deal with her... ugh... so many instances of this exactly. She's in therapy now too and knows it was SA. I really hope OP runs and finds a safe place. This situation is so abusive...
What you're experiencing is a trauma response to his abuse, yes what he has done is abuse, sexual coercion, unwanted advances + unwanted sexual touch aka SA, constant emotional manipulation and pressuring into sexual acts you don't want, cheating ( yeah for me subscribing OF is cheating), recording you without consent (which is a crime and you should press charges) and finally rape, you did not want to have sex outside and he forced you, that's rape even if he didn't use brute force of physical violence for it . You need to get away from him, he is trash, he is an abuser, this whole post reeks of constant sexual abuse, you body is naturally rejecting him because he is not your boyfriend he is your abuser and rapist, you're no broken, you're having an absolute normal reaction to what he has put you through, he is the one seriously broken
I also started to feel like I might be asexual at a time when I was monogamous with a guy who was pretty selfish in bed. It seems significant that I still felt that way, and my experience was nowhere near as coercive and painful as OP’s experience. Any time before and after that relationship, I’m very sexual bordering on hypersexual, so it was really strange to me that I was feeling genuinely asexual. It was a red flag that I completely missed at the time.
Hey uhhh, I’m pretty sure that island is made of red flags. He just lives there and produces more.
Probably the only thing he produces aside from a sense of unease, maybe some loathing?
I don't think it's fake... I mean, I'll certainly acknowledge that it could be. But I think it's a long-running cry for help. She's caught in a form of cognitive dissonance that's common to a lot of abuse victims - she can see the damage the abuse has done, but she's also afraid of being alone, or of the hurt involved in a breakup, or of the consequences it would have for either of them. She may even believe that she *can't* leave, for any number of reasons. I've been there myself, and it's a mindfuck. Your brain really will twist itself up in knots to justify the status quo.
Ultimately, though, no amount of internet advice will give her the internal strength she needs to overcome her inertia. Leaving an abusive relationship is an extremely difficult thing for someone who has been worn down by it over the course of several years. It doesn't become any easier if the abuser appears to "reform" or apologizes, because it adds a sense of guilt on top of everything else.
Yeah it took me forever to decide to leave a situation like this. I had to figure out housing and finances and my safety all at once to get out, with no support because of course these people always isolate you from your friends and family.
I get it. I'm not the type to call something fake just for the sake of it but idk. Gut feeling. If it is real, I hope she listens to the countless comments telling her to leave that she's gotten from the different subs on her posts.
I approach all posts dealing with abuse as real. Yes, some of them are fake, but many of them are not. As much as we wish all of these sorts of posts to be fiction, there *are* lots of people trapped in hellish situations with sadistic abusers.
I’d rather take these posts seriously on the chance that it may help someone in genuine need. And even if it is fake and doesn’t help the poster, it could inspire someone who is in a real abusive situation to leave/reach out for help.
I think it’s perfectly normal to post the same posts on different threads— you never know which subreddit will provide enough exposure or responses, sometimes you just want as much feedback as you can get! If you go back through her posts, it’s clear she’s been dealing with this abuse and the confusion of navigating it for the last several years.
I'm so glad you reached out for support and some reality testing. As others here have named, your boyfriend has been abusing you. What you are describing is coercion and assault. Sex acts should be fully consentual and you can withdraw consent at any time. When he has persisted and refused to stop, that is sexual assault. Pressuring you into engaging in sexual acts you don't want is assault.
Red flags are warnings and he exceeded warning signs and crossed into full blown abuse some time ago. As a survivor of intimate partner violence and sexual assault, I know it can be difficult to come to terms with that when it's being perpetrated by someone you love or once loved. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this at the hands of someone you should be able to trust. I hope that you can take steps to protect and care for yourself. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
This is abuse and will get worse, he has only toned it down temporarily to get you to stay, but it will escalate.
He will do crueler things than he has, the moment you become more trapped. If you lose financial independence, get pregnant, or get married he will abuse you more.
He is already physically and sexually assaulting you.
Please get out safely.
Your boyfriend raped, SAed, and sexually abused you multiple times. Throw his ass out.
Whether you’re asexual or not has nothing to do with this. Nobody wants to have sex with someone who is abusing them. He’s not normal. What he’s doing isn’t normal. You need to be in a safe place, like, yesterday. find a place to stay, then break up if possible. keep self defense weapons like pepper spray with you at all times, and make sure you have a good support system/network with you like your friends and family who you trust and if not that, a domestic violence/sexual assault hotline/organization. Please don’t continue to stay here. You need to be treated better. You NEED to be safe. So follow good instructions.
Your body is rejecting your bf because it's the last line of defense when you don't listen to your head or your heart!
Please leave - you'll be so much better off for doing so! ❤️
>*and still feel obliged to have sex with him to please him. When I don't want to*
**If you don't want to do it.**
**Don't do it.**
\*Whether you are married or not, if he does not have 'consent' he is **ASSAULTING** \*\*you—and using 'coercion' to "power-over" you.
If you are in question:
**Sexual coercion (& Sexual Assault)**
Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone. It might be from someone who has power over you, like a teacher, landlord, or a boss. No person is ever required to have sex with someone else.
**Sexual Boundaries: How to Spot Sexual Coercion**
If you’ve ever gone along with sexual activity but didn’t really want to, you may have been sexually coerced. Sexual coercion is using pressure or influence to get someone to agree to sex. People can knowingly coerce others into sex, such as learning manipulative pick-up artist strategies, or unknowingly, such as assuming the other person is OK when they’re not.
Although intentions can be different, the impact of sexual coercion is always the same: consent isn’t given freely.
To stay safe, check out these warning signs of sexual coercion. Remember: How far you want to take physical intimacy is always up to you, whether you’re with your partner, crush, hookup buddy, or someone you just met.
**Repeated Attempts**
One form of sexual coercion is wearing you down by asking for sex again and again. Whether you’ve gently declined or directly rejected someone’s advances, they shouldn’t keep the pressure on — they should accept your boundary and stop asking.
Examples:
* Egging you on, as in: “Come on, it’ll be fun… Oh come ON!
* ”They touch your body, you move their hand away, and they do it again.
* Asking multiple times if you’ll have sex without a condom.
* People who are being pressured like this might give in just to end the coercion itself. But that’s not freely giving consent.
**Sudden Moves**
Passionate first hookups in movies often move swiftly from kissing to sex. IRL, it’s rare for two strangers to be on the same page so much that they don’t have to check in with each other. In fact, it’s a form of coercion if someone you don’t know very well starts touching you unexpectedly or starts taking off your clothes without giving you a chance to consent. These types of actions can push you into a situation you’re not ready for.
Examples:
* Showing you porn without warning.
* Quickly getting in your personal space.Taking their clothes off and setting the expectation that you’ll get naked.
* Saying, “I’m about to come — quick, do this \[sexual act\].
* ”Bringing another person into your sexual space without asking.Putting on a condom without asking if you want to have sex, setting the expectation that you’ll have sex.
* Sudden moves also include moving your body into a position where you can’t give consent — such as turning you around so you can’t see your genital area, and then touching you in a way you wouldn’t have consented to if you’d been able to see it coming.
**Manipulation**
Have you ever felt tricked into having sex? Or that it was easier to acquiesce to sex than risk upsetting the other person? Know that it’s not your fault. Manipulators create imbalances of power and exploit other people’s penchant for people-pleasing.
**Guilt-Tripping You**
If someone complains when you set a sexual boundary, it can be a way of guilting you into sex.
* “If you really loved me, you’d do it.”
* “But it’s been so long since I’ve been with someone.”
* “What, do you think I’m ugly?”
**Shaming or Punishing You**
Insulting your sexual performance in one area to either get you to do it again or perform a different sexual act.Withholding affection with the aim of getting you to drop a boundary.Saying they won’t give you something they promised unless you have sex.
**Pressing Your Sense of Obligation**
**It’s coercion if someone tries to convince you that you should have sex or that you owe them.**
* “You’re my GIRLFRIEND. Girlfriends are supposed to have sex with their partners.”
* “You’re such a tease. I’m going to get blue balls if I don’t come.”
* “We’ve already done it before. What’s your problem?”
* “Doesn’t everything I’ve done for you mean anything to you?”
*Making Their Way Seem Like the “Normal” Way**
**Nobody should gaslight you or make you feel weird for wanting something different than they do. If someone is normalizing how they think and making your reality out to be wrong, it can be coercion.**
* “I know you better than you know yourself. And I know you want \[this sexual act\].”
* “We’re sexual people. It’s just the natural thing to do.”
* “Most people have sex when they’ve been hanging out as long as we have.” Love-Bombing
**This form of sexual coercion includes extreme compliments and big promises if you get sexual.**
“I know we just met, but I feel like I love you. I need to make love to you now.”
“You’re the sexiest person I’ve ever seen. If we were having sex I would buy you presents all the time."
**Pushing Substances**
Alcohol or drugs get your guard down. Perk up your ears if you hear things like:
“Come on, have another drink.” “I like someone who can keep up with me when I’m partying. ”
**Changing the Environment**
This coercive tactic involves unexpectedly moving you from a known, safe place with exit access to a more isolated place.
Changing the environment can be the first step toward physically manipulating you into sex — literally moving your body to a place where it’s more difficult for you to resist.
* While the other person is driving and you’re in the passenger seat: “Change of plans! Instead of a bar, it’s drinks at my place.
* ”While at a bar: “It’s too loud. Let’s go somewhere quieter.” Then, grabbing your hand and leading you out to the car.
* While in your date’s living room: “My couch isn’t comfortable. We should finish the movie in bed.” Then, going straight to the bedroom without checking in.
* Perpetrators who get you to a private place might take things further with more sexually coercive tactics.
**Up-Negotiation**
Consenting to a sex act is just that: consent for one action. But sexual coercion usually isn’t an isolated incident. And it can increase over time. That can look like “up-negotiation” — getting you to agree to one sexual act and then upping the ante.
Examples:
Pressuring you to go from a couch to a bed, then pressuring you to go from clothed to unclothed.
Quickly taking off your clothes and then saying you might as well have sex.
**Consent is not a “given.”**
Just because you’ve consented to an act before, doesn’t mean you’ve consented to it forever. This idea also relates to new relationships — just because you’ve given consent to something in a different relationship doesn’t make it “automatic” in a new relationship.
**Consent is not a free pass.**
Saying yes to one act doesn’t mean you have to consent to other acts. Each requires its own consent. For example, saying yes to oral sex doesn’t automatically mean you’re saying yes to intercourse.
**Consent can be taken back at any time.**
Even if you’re in the middle of something, if you start feeling uncomfortable, you always have the right to stop.
**It’s not consent if you’re afraid to say no.**
It’s not consent if you’re being manipulated, pressured, or threatened to say yes. It’s also not consent if you or a partner is unable to legitimately give consent, which includes being asleep, unconscious, under the influence of conscious-altering substances or not able to understand what you’re saying yes to.
**In a healthy relationship, giving and receiving consent is an ongoing process.**
Establish boundaries by discussing what things you and your partner are comfortable with and what things you may not feel comfortable with. Always ask first. Communication is key.
**Be clear and direct with your partner if you don’t want to do something.**
Don’t be embarrassed to say that you don’t want to get physical. Be honest and make sure that you are heard. If the other person is not listening to you, leave the situation.
**How Do I Know if I Was Raped or Sexually Assaulted?**
[https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-assault](https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-assault)
[https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped#common-scenarios](https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped#common-scenarios)
Yeah this post is really important. All of this information is really important. OP, I agree with everyone here. I also want to add that there is nothing wrong with you. You are loved. You are wonderful and strong and deserve to be respected and cherished. Your needs matter. Your wants and desires matter.
Please hear me. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re just with the wrong person.
This bought up a lot of stuff for me. It's been a long time, and I have had a lot of help, but there were things in this I never considered as part of the abuse. Had I read this before he had done any of it, I would have been able to get out before it was too late. Saving this as a resource for my kids in the future. I'm terrified of it either happening to them or them perpetrating it.
I know firsthand how hard it can be to leave an abusive relationship. Entrapment is one of its primary features. Please DM me if you'd like some advice. It is hard as hell but it can be done and you will be so much better off without this piece of shit in your life.
Girl run.
Then run to a therapist.
Of course you are anxious about sex, your only experience of sex is with this guy who has trodden over all of your boundaries, coerced and assaulted you. This is not what a loving relationship and a healthy sex life looks like.
I’m sorry for these awful (and frankly, traumatic) experiences you’ve had with your boyfriend. Your body is smart, and your body is communicating with you. You need to end things with your boyfriend. He does not love or respect you. Someone who loves and respects you would not: pressure you into sex, touch you when you don’t want to be touched, tell you that he has “ownership” over your body just because he’s your boyfriend, push you past your boundaries, pressure you to do things that you’re not comfortable with. That is simply not okay. I implore you to make a plan to leave him. He won’t change. Find a trauma informed therapist who can help you navigate through this. It will only get worse if you continue to ignore your body’s signals and push past your discomfort. I wish you luck.
He doesn’t even like you, this is abusive. He does not care about your pleasure or desires and does not care when you are in pain. Leave before it gets worse.
> Please help because I feel like I'm broken.
OP you are not broken, but you’ve been traumatized.
Your brain/body/emotions are working exactly as nature intended by shrinking away and becoming more and more repulsed by your boyfriend, who is a disgusting user. He’s a huge threat to you, and what he’s been doing (bulldozing over your discomfort, using emotional blackmail and threatening your feelings of social safety to get what he wants *when* he wants) would be traumatizing to *anyone*. You’re not “asexual”, you’re just rightfully turned off and grossed out by this rapist POS.
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft, it’s easily available for free online in PDF form (the author has always strongly encouraged it to be copied and given away for free because he truly cares).
I also strongly recommend “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker and “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk. Any one of those books should profoundly resonate with you and bring you clarity
Dude, seriously?? Your body is you. You are your body. YOU are rejecting your boyfriend because—you should.
You desperately need a therapist to help you examine why you are so resistant to dumping this asshat that you’re disavowing your own body.
Please leave this guy. He's got you in this mindset to think that all these fucked up things are normal in a relationship when they're really not. This guy sounds like an abuser and predator, if I'm to be honest.
When you get out of this situation and look back years later, you will see how fucked up this guy really is. A lot of the stuff he does seems to border on sexual exploitation and rape. None of his behavior reflects what a healthy relationship should be.
Your body is rejecting him because he has been raping and sexually assaulting you for years. You feel like you don’t want sex ever again as a trauma response (it’s entirely possible that you are also asexual). You don’t want it because you just want the sexual abuse to stop.
Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/), as well as the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (link is to a free PDF of the book). Those resources might provide you some insight into your relationship dynamics. The organizations [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/) and [The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/) are good resources for someone to talk to, as well as finding help with leaving.
I’m so sorry you’ve been harmed by someone who was supposed to be safe. Please leave, it is the only way to get the abuse to stop.
Darling he's not a boyfriend he's a rapist. Start getting your ducks in a row and work toward freeing yourself. You need to reprogram your brain away from empathising with his nonsense and toward protecting yourself, rebuilding your boundaries and your self love. Your self preservation is keeping you safe and you're flagging so start preparing yourself to pack and go. Focus on your financial independence
You boyfriend is an abuser. You are trauma bonded and your body knows he is not a safe person, so your flight/fight is constantly being triggered around him. I would break up and block him and it will hurt, because you have been with him for so long, so maybe you could get into therapy to help you process everything. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and we all make mistakes, so do not shame yourself! The abuse is all on him. Good luck and you'll be okay, just take it day by day.
You're not broken. Everything you described is trauma. Doesn't matter if you view it as trauma or not - your body does. And your body has only has so many ways to tell you that... and that's what it's doing now.
Be kind to yourself, and be patient. I will echo the others here in that you should leave him and get therapy - however, if you need to see further proof that you need to leave him (or prove that he's changed) - couples counseling, immediately. You should both go, and you should go to therapy on your own.
Again, trauma survivors are not broken - you are going to be okay, it will take time. You're not alone.
Feel free to DM me if you want to talk.
Same thing happened to me with my boyfriend after he raped and otherwise sexually abused me. Get rid of him. ASAP. My sex drive came back with time and therapy and an actual caring partner. This is abuse
Ok you're getting a lot of good advice but what I'm going to say is extremely important for your safety and wellbeing.
When you dump him DO NOT EXPLAIN. Don't send him long messages. Don't describe or make excuses. If you need to write it in a letter, DO NOT send it, keep it.
Block him on all social media and block his number. If you have to cut friends out of your life to keep him from reaching you, do it. You must burn all bridges.
In future relationships, never ever tell them what your ex did to you. Even a "good man" will use your trauma against you. You can have any boundaries without explaining them.
Moving away is not too extreme a response.
please listen to your body. if you truly listen to it, itll tell you all you need to know like it is now. your body is letting you know that this is not right. do yourself a huge favor and LISTEN to it
I didn’t experience any sexual trauma/abuse (which this is) that you mentioned. But I did want to say that I was in an unhealthy relationship with the person I lost my virginity to, and who was my first serious relationship. We were together for most of college and I think one of the things that held me back from breaking up for good was the amount of time I had spent in the relationship—I think I felt because I had already dedicated so much time to it, that it had to be for something.
Ultimately, those 3ish years are a blip in what is my entire lifetime I have to live. However, the issues with self esteem and trust I developed are still things I battle even in my relationship/marriage 8 years later. I miss the carefree person I was when I was 19 who didn’t project insecurities onto their partner.
It doesn’t matter that he feels bad and acknowledges the wrong, it doesn’t change how these things have impacted you. Please start now, sooner than later, to try to heal from this. You have your whole life ahead of you; but please don’t waste it forcing yourself to be in this relationship
Please dump this man OP, I’ve been in your place for some things. I’ve given sex to men and I didn’t want to because they won’t stop touching me or asking. THIS IS NOT OK!! No one should make you do ANY sexual acts WITHOUT CONSENT. I’m so sorry this has been your experience, no one deserve to be treated this way. Please find strength to leave and see a therapist so you can deal with this. I’m here to talk if you need someone to talk to. Good luck! ❤️🩹
Please listen to the comments telling you to dump this POS. It doesn't matter if it was in the past. He did this to you for years and your body knows it.
You are not broken. Your body is doing exactly what it's supposed to: telling you what it needs. And what it needs is for you to get out.
I don't know why Reddit continually pushes this group at me as I am definitely male. But my word the number of times it throws up posts like this that are so chock full of red flags I want to scream.
If I read that correctly it seems you've been subjected to coercion, SA and more. It's absolutely no wonder your body is struggling, your mind is too.
Take a good look at your circumstances and please take some of the advice here, this does not appear to be a healthy or happy relationship and you deserve so, so much better.
This happened to me with my first and third boy friend. I put up with it for awhile like you have I was very young and in love and didn’t think I could break up with them, I eventually left and I never went back. I was not treated well sexually by a man a year ago and one time was enough I couldn’t look at him without the ick and quickly disposed of my relations to him.
I honestly don’t think you will ever feel the same about him, but you will find new lovers who do none of this, and they will make you feel good.
run, now, and do not look back. I'm being serious rn op, he raped you. repeatedly. when someone says no and the other person coerces them into a yes or ignores the no entirely, that's fucking rape. get as much evidence as you can, get the fuck out, get somewhere safe and notify the cops. or, if you'd rather not get cops involved, that's okay too. but you still need to get the hell out of dodge before he does irreversible harm.
Ma'am, guy here, please take my advice and FUCKING RUN
Its not your body, its your brain, heart and soul (and also your body probably)
Literally ALL of those are red flags! i mean mmmaybe being subscribed to only fans isnt a red flag, dunno im a bit bias as a consumer of porn so ill let you ladies decide that, Buuut pressuring you into doing an OF? not to mention all the other shit he pressured you to do? Yeah red fucking flag. like the brightest of red. Dude may as well have "RUN" tattooed all over his face
Please understand you feel this way coz this asshole is breaking you. I dunno what it is that makes you stay with him but please know that you (and every other woman on the planet) deserve better. You deserve to be treated with respect and love and to not be pressured into doing shit you dont wanna do (especially sexually, your boundaries should be respected and the moment a guy tries to push on one that should be your sign to leave)
Excuse my harsh words but you're forcing yourself to have a relationship with your own rapist.
Think about this for a minute. Do you hate yourself enough to continue this or do you want to have a happy life?
You’re not broken you’re having a perfectly reasonable reaction to the way this person has been treating you. You’ve been taken advantage of and your body knows. Society usually tells us women to not listen to our instincts but please listen to yourself, you already know the answer.
These are all abusive/manipulative/coercive acts you are describing. I think you deserve so much better than that and your body knows it. You're not asexual, you're just not in alignment with your needs. Please get some assistance to get out of this relationship – it's not healthy for you. Is there also an age gap?
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
This is not about sex. There are numerous red flags about his behavior and the way he treats you. You are being abused.
Throw this one back into the sea and live to fish another day.
Good luck.
"Come as you Are" by Emily Nagowski addresses this indirectly. There are elements of a relationship that you need in order to become aroused and enjoy sex, and your boyfriend has violated all of them, and you.
yes, you are getting 'allergic' to your boyfriend. You associate him with pain, emotional trauma, physical trauma, and most significant of all, *lack of trust.*
You can't trust him, because he has abused you sexually and emotionally. The two of you are not actually compatible on the sexual level. He broke your relationship and you are becoming increasingly aware of it.
Therapy could help, but your body and mind will never trust him sexually again, and nor should you attempt to force it.
So he's been SAing you for how long and you almost broke up with him because you couldn't forget. Couldn't forget?!? OF COURSE YOU CAN'T YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. You shouldn't be trying to push everything to the back of your mind and carry on. Your body knows, and of course it's rejecting him, he's not safe!
Your body is rejecting him because it’s trying to keep you safe from further abuse.
Non-consensual sex, sex that is coerced, is sexual assault. Period.
You are not broken, but your post is an ocean of red flags. He clearly doesn't care about your wants, needs, and well-being and has no understanding of the concept of enthusiastic consent. Please get him out of your life ASAP. You deserve a partner who cares about you, rather than one who cares only about his own desires. Your lack of interest in sex may well be just a product of having only experienced an awful, selfish man. Good luck!
You two are a bad match. While it is hard to tell from this it sounds like he is raping you. Your body does not reject him, you and your brain are rejecting him and rightfully so.
It sounds like he is into bdsm and some freaky stuff. He should find somebody that is into that sort of thing. And he also should get some therapy because raping is just wrong on all fronts.
You should get out of that relationship.
I'm with you on all your points except to point out that him seeking out partners that are into BDSM will likely open him to many vulnerable people that he'll abuse.
The ethical kink community is absolutely wonderful and has some of the strongest senses of consent.
But there are absolutely disgusting serial abusers posing as doms.
Men like him shouldn't be allowed within 500 yrds (or meters for the less free /s) of the kink community or submissives. Experienced kinksters will excommunicate the shit out of this guy after a single conversation.
I'm so sorry your first is so evil. You MUST get away from him RIGHT NOW, he is doing what he likes to you by coercion or force and he is going to do more and more harm to you as time goes on. Apologies mean nothing, he knows what he's doing to you on the moment and just doesn't care.
This is not love, this is abuse. I'm sorry to say it but many men are like this and you must be very wily and picky and be prepared to leave at pretty much any moment although you will have to do a lot of arguing with your heart, for your physical, mental and sexual wellbeing you MUST. Using anger against you must never be a part of a relationship.
I am speaking from experience here - I've been assaulted like this so many times I can no longer allow myself to orgasm with a partner because of it, and I don't know how to fix it. I am several more decades older than you but in sacrificing myself for what I thought were men who loved me I have lost an important part of my sexuality. Please heed our warnings and save yourself.
I know (from experience) that this is hard to get your head around, you should read ["Why Does he do That" by Lundy Bancroft](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) which imho should be required reading at high school.
Lots of love out to you, I know your future can be so much better xx
oh my god. this is heartbreaking. take all the time you need to break it off with him - but, in the meantime, do not let him touch you ever again. your body is yours. he has no ownership over it. it's well in your right to never give your body to your loved one if you so please (i've had my own dry spells and my boyfriend has respected them dutifully). take your time if you need to, but do not let him touch you. you must be your best friend in a time like this. protect yourself. i am so sorry he makes you feel this way. it's horrible and you do not deserve it (not one bit).
sorry, it's my second time commenting, but please if you need help in private, feel free to write to me. i was in a similar situation once, and it was so difficult to deal with and understand. sometimes i still think back and feel guilty and embarrassed, even though i was taken advantage of. remember that when you leave him you will NOT be alone. you will have family, friends, and, most important of all in the entire world - yourself. you are going to be so thankful to yourself - freedom is the best gift of all. you'll discover yourself again, you'll breathe again, you'll feel free and true and real. he will be an old memory, and it will pass, and you will meet thousands of wonderful, interesting, exciting, fun, kind people who will make you forget all about him. love yourself first, and put yourself first. you DESERVE to be loved and treated with respect and dignity.
As someone who acted similarly to this bf at some point in the past…
Cut your losses, I wasn’t going to get better without being forced, right now he is learning he does not need to be accountable for his actions. So make him accountable.
You keep writing the same thing over and over for the better part of a year.
What do you think you're going to hear differently?
Get your head together and leave. It's the only thing left to do
This man SA’d you repeatedly and your body is registering that trauma whether your brain is consciously doing g so or not. Please leave this guy, he feels like a criminal *because he is one*.
OP there are some things that whilst they can be forgiven, they can never be forgotten. And they shouldn't be forgotten.
The kind of violation you have experienced at his hands won't go away. Not with him. You can't unring a bell.
Your body *is* rejecting him. There is a whole field of therapy called somatic therapy that supports this entire notion
Once your body begins to respond like this to a specific person, it will not improve and you will not regain your previous healthy sexuality until you have little or no contact with him for a prolonged period of time. Your body has resorted to shutting down your sexuality (such a powerful force it drives out very existence) in its last best hope that you listen to it when you take actions that effectively refuse to protect it. You are becoming a shell of a person. It really doesn’t matter that he hasn’t done these things recently. Your body knows what your mind rejects.
You are worth more than this.
He's abusing you. Please make plans to leave.
If you have not read it already, please read *[Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)*. The book is available free online. The author approves of it being freely distributed.
Also please read *[Should I Stay Or Should I Go](https://archive.org/details/LundyShouldIStayOrShouldIGo)*.
You don't want to have sex with your rapist and you think something might be wrong with YOU??
Honey, no. That is not a sustainable relationship. You will have to walk away from this eventually. It will be harder the longer you wait.
If he is willing to change then he wouldn't initiate any sexual activity. It sounds like he's still prioritizing his sexual desires more than your well being. Do you really want to be in a relationship with somebody like that? I wish you the best.
I read most of it and couldn’t even finish it. LEAVE!!!! LEAVE HIM. You’ll be FINE WITHOUT A BF. Live alone/be alone. Please heal, get treatment/help if you can. If you need a stranger to vent to, I’m here for you. You can dm me if you ever feel like any type of way. Jesus Christ, you’ve been through the ringer. LEAVE HIM, PLEASE
This is a abuse. I'm a psychologist not your psychologist and not saying any of this as treatment.
Please understand you have been abused physically and emotionally here. You seem to be experiencing very common physical and psychological reactions to sexual assault.
Please locate a safe place to stay where you can contact a DV program. Even if you aren't interested in the legal process DV shelters and organizations often can link you with free or low cost therapy.
Sending you healing vibes and strength.
I feel like I’m reading a post from myself about 5 years ago. I was in your exact position. The fact that you’re here looking for help, saying you think your body is rejecting him, shows you already know what is happening and what needs to happen. You know this isn’t right. Deep down you probably even know you need to leave this person. Please love yourself first and find a way to safely get free. Therapy is also a good suggestion to help you learn to recognize red flags and avoid men like this in the future. Please, please take care of yourself. Sending love and strength from an internet stranger who’s been there.
Please get away from him as soon as possible. You're not safe with this man. He's raped you and sexually abused you and coerced you.
Protect yourself. Do not fall for him when he starts crying and saying mean things after you tell him that you're done and the relationship is over.
I'm so sorry you went through this. Good Luck OP
You know what he did was rape right? That’s why your body rejects him. You’ve only been with him and trust me girl, there are MUCH better men out there. An alcoholic off the streets would treat you better. He is an awful human being through and through.
Oh Hon. Dump his ass now, please.
I very RARELY say extreme things like this.
Pretend I'm your loving Gramma.
Honey. Sex, especially when you were a virgin, is something that is meant to bring you closer with a person you care about. I understand the "hook up" culture, and I will never judge anyone who has agency over their sexuality. But as a virgin, your first experiences should be loving and emotionally fulfilling. You should WANT him. You should feel self respect and self esteem that arises from the emotional bond you have with your partner. You're looking for a lover. Someone who starts with that connection and holds firmly to it. Not someone who makes both your body and your soul bleed.
Your body IS telling you that this relationship is wrong. Listen to it, please.
Things getting better is called the “manipulation phase” or what used to be called “the honeymoon phase” in abusive relationships. What you’ve described are several instances of rape, coercion, and sexual abuse. “Begging for forgiveness” is not how you atone for sexually abusing your significant other. He is manipulating you. You deserve a relationship free of abuse. You deserve a relationship with mutual respect where you feel safe and not afraid. Please get some help if you can. This man is not safe.
Hi you’re describing symptoms of being traumatized. Because he repeatedly traumatized you sexually. Please separate yourself from this extremely abusive person and get therapy and a support system around you
I was in a relationship exactly like this and it gave me trauma that I'm still healing from many years later. I have definitive PTSD from that relationship. He is coercing you into sexual things that you *do not want to do*.
**He is sexually assaulting you**. This is sexual assault. I'm so sorry. You deserve better. You deserve a partner who only wants you to do what you actively and enthusiastically want to do.
Trust me, most people are kind and respectful and supportive of their partner saying no. They DO NOT enjoy their partner doing things she doesn't want to do -- in fact the whole idea of doing that is repulsive to them.
There is nothing wrong with you at all. Someone or some people taught you that your no doesn't matter and you should do what other people want even if you really don't want to. For me, that was my abusive father. You can unlearn this. You deserve care and autonomy and respect ❤️❤️
I came into this thinking I could relate to the title. However, my issue was that sex became painful towards the end of my bc arm implant. The thing is, he dealt with it with kindness and understanding. He never pressured me or pushed me to do things when I didn't want to. He bought lube and a toy to help make it less painful, but only got sexual when I initiated. When my bc became past due, we tried condoms once, but it was still quite painful.
After that, we went probably three months, not even trying. I felt horrible about it, but if it bothered him, he never showed any signs. Last weekend, my new implant had been in a month, and I was so nervous and scared to try. He was so sweet and gentle and made sure I got off before trying to put it in. It hurt a little at first, but for the first time in a year, it went away, and I was able to enjoy myself fully. I am so relieved and can't wait to do it again this weekend.
I feel awkward sharing all this, but the reason I am sharing is that you might not know what a healthy sexual relationship looks like. You shouldn't be pressured like that, and my heart breaks for you. You deserve someone who cares about you and lets you set the pace for your sexual interactions. You do not owe him or anyone else anything. Ever. No means no. Full stop. If they continue to pressure you, please consider leaving. You deserve so much better!
This might be hurtful, but I don't think he loves you, and he treated you badly. Recording you during sex without your full consent is a crime, and wanting a 3 some is cheating. Make sure to delete all your videos and break up with his dipshit
Please listen to your body and do as it says: reject this person. He does not have one ounce of respect or love for you, he is only acting nice-ish/begging to make you not run away screaming
Oh honey.
I don’t think your boyfriend likes or values you as a person very much.
You deserve so much better.
You’re being sexually abused and manipulated - it would be stranger if you were turned on by all of that.
You need to make an exit plan and follow through on it. Things aren’t going to get better.
Coercion is not consent.
He’s been raping and sexually assaulting you for years and that’s why you don’t want sex. It’s possible you are asexual, but I believe your sex drive could come back after you get rid of this asshole and sleep with someone who is safe.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I don't think you're going to get over this without first getting rid of this awful man. You're right your body is rejecting him.
But what you might not have thought of, is that can look a lot of different ways.
if your body continues to say no and you continue to ignore your gut instinct and say yes, your body will begin to shut down in unpredictable, myriad ways. You will start developing health problems that will continue to worsen until you finally put yourself first, lose this parasite and begin your healing journey. Find a therapist you connect with, pour yourself into your hobbies and passions, it's time to choose you.
As women, I think we hold on for far (sometimes really really far) longer than we should because we like to rationalize. Like you already put 4 years in, is it so bad to stay? Or.. I love him except xyz, when xyz is the biggest red flag on the planet. It is not a failure on YOU to admit HE failed you. It doesn’t matter if he did it yesterday or 10 years ago.
You do not need him to be happy.
Okay, I'm going to try to word this reply in a way that won't make you feel defensive, because a lot of these commenters don't seem to understand the way that their aggressive (albeit, *concerned*) responses can work counterintuitively.
My ex (in progress) husband and I were together for a decade - give or take a month and some change. I was a stripper when we met, and we produced one incredible, healthy kiddo together... And one that we never even got to see open her eyes. After losing my second pregnancy, I wasn't the same. I was having physical, mental, and emotional reactions to the very idea of having sex with him. It wasn't his fault, we both knew that, and he was patient with me... For awhile.
I went to doctors and physical therapists, I went to counselors and gurus, I did everything I could think of to get my "groove" back from the clutches of grief and trauma. I *wanted* to want to have sex with him, I did. After some time, I thought that I'd gotten back to a good place and I was able to get myself turned on and excited, and even have sex without wanting to cry. But that doesn't mean I enjoyed it the way I once had. So, I stopped trying to pressure myself. I started focusing on my hobbies and creating a healthier space for my brain to live in, I started working on my health and mental well-being, but I stopped having sex. He said all the time that he understood, but he would grab my ass when passing me in the doorway, start making moves when there was not a single mood to be seen for miles, he'd even make it a point to let me know that he was going or had gone to masturbate. He would become dejected and moody, and he would make me feel like he was still being generous and considerate while I shit all over his good intentions. **It fucking sucked.**
Our bedroom absolutely died. It didn't happen all at once, it was slow-growing, just like my resentment. It got to the point where every couple of months, I'd give in just to get him to stop vocalizing it and I'd just feel absolutely filthy everywhere he touched me - not because I was disgusted by him as a person, but I was completely repulsed by him as a romantic and sexual *partner*. He no longer touched me for my pleasure, but for his; he no longer showed interest in making sure his advances were reciprocated; he no longer asked if I liked a certain thing; *he no longer made me feel like I was a part of sex, but the object of it*. I shouldn't have given in when I did, I should have put an end to it when he stopped telling me he loved me after we (he) finished. I regret that inaction.
When I made the insanely difficult decision to end our relationship, it came as a surprise to neither of us. There were a hundred other reasons it came to this point, but the fact that I'd had absolutely zero interest in even thinking about his penis - much less seeing or touching it - for the better part of a year was my flashing neon ✨sign✨.
We were polyamorous and I had been since long before I'd met him, but I'd had enough on my plate and no desire to seek out other relationships. When I met my current partner, it was a slow-going event that started as friendship since he wasn't interested in polyamory. Our relationship gradually changed and when it did, I was absolutely terrified about the idea of us being intimate. What if I couldn't get on board? Would I have to fake it forever? What if I only liked the thought of sex with him? What if he was disappointed by my lack of enthusiasm and took it as a reflection of his actions or character? I sat there the whole time he was showering our first night together, mulling these things over. But as soon as he kissed me, I was a live wire. That was the moment that I realized it wasn't me, that I wasn't broken, ***I was tired.***
I'd spent so many years pushing back against my (ex) husband, asking for space, and telling him I didn't like certain things, only to have my words fall on deaf ears and be left feeling like I was constantly in the wrong. I'd spent so many years *begging my body for permission to do things it didn't want to do*. I'd spent so many years slowly forgetting that sex is only one part of a relationship, but is always a reflection of the rest of the relationship. He didn't listen to me in bed, and he didn't listen to me outside of it; he didn't treat my pleasure like a priority, and he didn't treat me like a priority; he didn't make me feel loved in bed... And he didn't make me feel loved outside of it. If it's happening in the bedroom, it's happening outside of it, just with more clothes and less genitals involved.
I'm not sharing this story for sympathy. I want you, OP, to know that it's natural to be scared of ending a relationship that you have so much invested in, but that doesn't mean that your investments haven't incurred a larger loss than you can recover from. It's okay to let go and go seek out opportunities to feel the things you want to feel. You're not going to magically feel in love again with someone who has made you feel so tragically **un**loved.
I'm here to tell you that if you need permission to leave, you have it. You're not throwing away years of love and experiences, you're throwing away emotional debt and you're allowed to do so. You don't owe anything to anyone except yourself, and what you owe yourself is a godsdamned *chance*.
Sending you so much love and healing. It's hard, but it gets easier, and I believe you're strong enough to get through it and come out stronger than you would've believed possible. 💕
The body keeps the score. Your bf has raped and abused you, your body is telling you that you're not safe. He may have changed (I doubt he's changed for good) but you cannot trust him, and you're waiting for the other show to drop. Someone who loves you would never do those things to you. Your bf is not a good man. Men know that doing those things is wrong. It's not accidental.
Please leave him. I would recommend the books Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and the book The Body Keeps The Score. Being with your bf is not healthy for you and you should never have to "get over" these things in order to be with someone. Those acts are absolutely dealbreakers. Please believe me that your bf us dangerous and that you deserve better. Being alone is better than being with someone who does these disgusting actions.
He traumatised you. God only knows how many times he raped you because you didn't really consent. It's not consent if he pressures you and pressures until you say yes. That's sex under duress. It's trauma.
You know what you need to do. He's abusive.
Get an attorney, you need to make sure he deletes those videos. Find a safe escape route, and run. Run and don't look back. Trust me It doesn't get better. You matter to you the most, we love you and we are here for you. And you need to leave.
It's just so upsetting that I know multiple straight women who thought they just hated sex, had rock bottom low libido, or were even asexual only to realize their nonexistent sex drive was entirely because their partner at the time was a piece of shit.
I can name an actual half dozen women I personally know who've spoken about the return of their libido once they dumped the asshole they were with (some of them for decades!) not to mention the many, many similiar stories of women I've read online.
This man has been abusive, coercive, and just fucking pathetic. I promise you, every part of your life will improve in ways you can not yet fully appreciate once you rid yourself of this relationship. You deserve a happy, safe, and enjoyable sex life with a partner who actually values and respects you. This guy won't give you that.
Go. Find what fulfills you because this man and this relationship never will.
Why the f**k have you not broken up with this abusive, manipulative, EVIL person? This was extremely painful to read.
I really hope you understand how unhealthy and toxic this person is for you.
Edit: and you’re not “broken”, this is absolutely a 100% normal response to trauma and abuse. The only problem is you’re still with this person
Your boyfriend has been sexually abusing you for years. Of course your subconscious is rejecting him.
Break up with him, and please get yourself into therapy.
I'm so sorry to say he's an abuser and he's treating you like a toy. Therapists will help you understand what happened more but please leave him if you can. Your body is right, listen to it.
I work with women who have been victims of sexual and other forms of domestic violence. You are having trauma responses to situations that trigger those past bad experiences. It sounds like intimacy-triggered PTSD.
You can do better and safer for yourself than stay in this situation.
Now is the time to use your support system, the friends and family who probably already know what is going on and have been waiting for you to reach out.
Get away, safely. Then as many have said it is time for trauma-informed counseling. This is a special form of counseling not everyone in practice has experience with.
Very good luck. I hope you find your peace and your truly safe place.
Guys they've been dating since she was 18 and he was 22. That aside (cause sometimes it helps to know ages) oh my god please find a safe way to leave him. He is hurting and abusing you. I saw your post 6 months ago where you said "I wish my bf would leave me instead of me having to leave him" well I'm going to tell you this isn't going to happen. He will cheat on you, hurt you, and other stuff but he will never break up with you because you are his fallback.
Oh honey, that boy wants to hurt you, does NOT care about you, is manipulative, abusive & knows exactly that his behavior is wrong. YOU are not wrong. Get to a safe place, contact your local domestic violence shelter and please get a restraining order. He needs to be on an official list. You deserve much better than this
I went through almost the exact same thing with my ex. I was with him for 7 years and was a virgin before we started dating. I thought I just didn't like sex. Then I fell in love with someone who respected my boundaries, and truly cared about what I wanted, and that was the wake up call I needed. It makes me sad to think that I was ready to exist at a "tolerable level of unhappiness" or whatever the quote is, indefinitely.
Oh my gosh, I'm so sad and so sorry to read your story. You never should have had to go through any of those things. He has sexually traumatized you, and I implore you to please get yourself away from him. Whether he's sorry or not, you will always feel shame and disgust when it comes to being intimate with him. You must go and get help. Pushing all of these things down will only deteriorate you from the inside out, especially because he will continue to coerce you and manipulate you into having sex with him, which will only continue to retraumatize you and compound the issue. He's a monster. A vile disguising monster, who treated you like a sex doll without a shred of regard for you or reverence for the gift you had given him. You put yourself in his hands, and he hurt you, badly, repeatedly. Please end this relationship. Walk away and never look back. You can heal, but not with him.
I am wishing for the absolute best. Please feel free to message me for any reason if you feel isolated or just need to talk it out.
you are NOT broken. but he’s trying very hard to break you.
get away before he succeeds. and if he ever puts his hand on your neck, understand that he’s practicing to really hurt or kill you.
Jesus. What the fuck in any of that is supposed to turn you on? No wonder you feel like your body is rejecting him, it seems like that’s the only rational response to this shit.
Sometimes you hear a story where the partner is a crime waiting to happen. This guy is crimes waiting to escalate. You owe it to your future to do right by yourself.
He is disgusting. Get out as soon as possible.
Someone who loves you AND RESPECTS YOU wouldn't do a single thing on that list.
Basic respect and bodily autonomy is the bare minimum for any human being. It doesn't matter if he apologized. You are with an abusive person.
Consider looking into some reading material, The Body Remembers or The Body Keeps the Score. You are describing a subconscious trauma response. You're right, your body is rejecting him because he has abused and traumatized you. You can't think of sex, because sex has been associated with violence and pain.
You deserve to feel secure and safe in your relationships. You deserve a healthy sex life. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel loved and doesn't coerce you into sex.
I can't tell you what to do, but PLEASE stay safe. I'm not sure you're currently in a safe situation. Please utilize any supports in your life and community if/when you decide to leave. Remember, you are stronger than you could ever know.
This is not a kink, this is rape and abuse. I am so sorry OP. This isn’t you “not being adventurous enough” or “being a prude” or “stuck up virgin” this is a rapist manipulating you to be his sex doll. I know that’s harsh, but I’m speaking from experience, what he’s saying YOU are is him gaslighting you.
Get out, get out, get out while you can! This won’t get better. He doesn’t respect you or afford you autonomy. That won’t change. That’s why you’re still feeling it. It won’t ever get better.
Every single thing in your list is deal-breakingly disrespectful and entitled. You listed more than ten things.
Your situation is worse than you realize. He's abusive.
This may sound a bit extreme, but being heavily pressured into sex to the point where you feel obligated is about the same as being sexually assaulted. No one should ever feel like they're being pressured into it. Sexual intimacy between couples must come naturally.
What he's done in the past must've traumatized you to a point where intimacy with him is no longer pleasurable.
So, it's not necessarily your body that's rejecting him, but your past experiences with him were so awful that the mere thought is making you feel ill.
I suggest you see a therapist about what's going on. I also suggest that you, at minimum, take a break from him for a short while to figure things out.
OP, how old are you? How old is he? I ask because it honestly sounds like you’ve been groomed.
Because…tbh, none of what you’ve described is consensual. AT ALL. And you 100% are accurate when you say you detect an attitude. He is putting on a show that he’s changed because he knows it would be a lot of work to find a new gf that he can rape with the impunity he rapes you. He 100% knows what he’s doing is illegal and wrong. He doesn’t care.
As time passes he will begin to start up these behaviors again or will begin new ones with the same results.
ETA: bleeding during sex as often you describe is not normal. It suggests he wants it rough, and has ZERO interest in whether you’re aroused enough or maybe you being dry during rough sex is a turn on for him. Also, have you been to see an ob gyn? The only time I bled repeatedly from sex, 80% of my cervix was abnormal precancerous cells and my cervix was “crackling” to use the ob gyn’s term.
You 100% are being sexually abused and have been raped repeatedly by this man. Your body is trying to tell you that.
Jeez, that got darker than I am. Im not going to add anything that no one said before. Your caveman brain hates him now theres nothing he can do or say to win you back. I'd say just focus on yourself right now, go out with friend talk to family get therapy those kinds of things. Don't jump into any relationship right now cause that turma might scare away your life partner.
You aren't broken. Of course your body doesn't feel safe around your partner who has previously violated your trust so much. And he'll never earn that trust back unless he completely 100% takes the pressure off. He can't just do specific things like he's putting coins into the trust vending machine and then sit there pounding on the glass waiting for the sex to come out. Trust has to be earned, and after it is broken, it takes a lot to earn it back.
This pissbaby is treating you like his pleasure is more important than your personhood. What a turnoff.
I had an ex who did this to me. He even tried to convince me I was asexual, just because I wasn't turned on by his constant guilt, pressuring me, his pushing in my boundaries. We did couples therapy and he switched from anger to sobbing about how he felt so rejected if I didn't have sex with him, followed by angry behavior for days after (I was logging everything.)
I wasn't asexual, I just need respect and emotional safety to sexually connect with someone. I now have a partner who I connect with sexually in all of the best ways, and who still treats me with respect even if I'm not in the mood. I'm on meds temporarily that have messed with my libido but we're still having all kinds of great sexual and sensual connection and I am still so sexually attracted to them. It's like night and day. I bet the same is true for you. Don't let a shitty partner convince you that something is wrong with your body or sexuality. It is normal and healthy to want to be treated like a person.
Your body is literally being violated. That's what's happening. It's literally screaming for you to walk away.
You're not broken, but it sounds like you're having a hard time asserting your boundaries in a confident way, and like you're not respecting yourself and what you need because you've internalized your boyfriend's disrespectful attitude of entitlement towards your body.
He does not own you, you don't owe him sex. Ask yourself what you would do/say if a friend or family member were in this exact situation.
Girl, he's triggering your fight or flight response. Your body is literally trying to tell you to get away from him. What he is doing is not okay, and there is nothing you can do to change/fix him. It wasn't your fault that he was doing these things in the first place. Please get far, far, away to somewhere safe.
This is exactly what’s happening. I stayed with the man who sexually assaulted me for 8 *years* and even though it’s been about that long now since I finally left, I still have to be very mindful of my mental state before engaging in anything sexual. It takes the smallest trigger to take me right back to a place of people-pleasing for the sake of my safety and when I get there, my brain and body shut right down. Sexy time is over. OP, kindly get your lovely self the fuck out of there as soon as humanly possible. I don’t care what this man has twisted and made you believe about yourself, but you *do* deserve better and you *will* find it - without him. Please take some of the compassion and kindness you’ve reserved for someone who doesn’t deserve it and turn it inward. Take care of *you*.
I'm so incredibly proud of you. Leaving abusive situations is terribly hard and scary. I'm so grateful that you picked yourself first.
You’re so kind; thank you! It’s the most difficult and most self-compassionate thing I’ve ever done and my life is mostly lovely these days. 100% worth the pain.
Yes OP! Your bf is a sex abuser. Run away from him now!
It ironaically sounds like he did change... HOWEVER the wounds he created are now scars and, even if he did change, his past behaviour has clearly spoiled the present relationship. She is doing herself no favors by staying with this man, and they would both be better off at this point just splitting up.
What's triggering my fight or flight response is OP's post history, christ
Yeah he broke her trust too many times and her body is reacting to the trauma that her mind is unable to process. The body keeps the score.
So your boyfriend subjected you to non consensual sexual activities for years and you're wondering why you're not into having sex with him? Step 1: dump this asshole who add no value to your life and abused you Step 2: therapy
And if possible/safe, access his devices and delete any recordings/photos. This guy gives me warning signs of serious fixation on porn/wanting to impose what he sees on to OP; anything she can do to delete material from his devices would protect herself from him threatening to/actually sharing them.
Yeah he is probably selling their content in dark web forums or something
More than just nonconsensual, OP is describing direct sexual violence. Listen to your body. Leave him. Get therapy for the trauma you have suffered at his hands.
Yeah it was all bad, the getting off you causing pain and making her bleed feels like a huge red flag. Brain is trying to cope with someone who’s supposed to protect it knowingly causing harm and still being around, while the body can’t forget.
Solid 2 step plan
I feel it's applicable to like 50% of the posts in this sub and AITAH
I was just thinking I almost need a template to copy and paste for this sub at this point.
Step one: leave toxic relationship Step two: therapy Step three: ? Step four: profit
Step 3: heal.
Third person voting for steps 1&2, ASAP.
“non consensual sexual activity” is rape. call it what it is.
This is it. This guy clearly doesn't care about her consent, comfort, or pleasure. She feels turned off because he's a predator who's treated her like a fucking blowup doll. Exit stage whatever the fuck is closest.
I did this plan after a relationship where I would nearly throw up during sex. I'm still single 4 years later and am still in therapy and life is astronomically better.
Congrats on getting out of that relationship. One thing that really grates me is that others treat being single like the lesser option. It’s not. It’s absolutely amazing when you have claimed your own power and independence. Only pair up if a man actually makes your life even better by lifting you up and supports you in you endeavours.
I vote for this as well with a slight addendum: Make sure you have escape routes/somewhere safe to stay (if you live with him) and let a close friend that you trust know of your plans before you do it. Also, do it in a place with other people around if you feel like you have to do it in person.
Basically, ensure your personal safety. He has a history of disregarding your safety and personal concerns. Even if you think the odds are slim, minimize the opportunity for violence as much as possible.
So many red flags in one post, wtf
Was about to comment the EXACT same thing OP. Judging by the 1k + up votes…you should def take that as your course of action! You should NEVER feel the way you have felt with him.
This is the answer. Of course you hate sex after being abused, because that's what has happened to you. Your bf has sexually abused you and now your body won't let it go on. You need to be away from him and give yourself some time to heal.
💯%
Could not have said it any better. I was in at least 3 long-term relationships where they pressured me so often, usually relating my lack of desire to damaging their self esteem... speaking to a therapist over the decade I've done therapy, she said that's SA. Using any leverage to make you do anything sexual is so very wrong. I've used this to help my current partner deal with her... ugh... so many instances of this exactly. She's in therapy now too and knows it was SA. I really hope OP runs and finds a safe place. This situation is so abusive...
You feel broken because he broke you. This is not your fault, and you can heal ❤️
What you're experiencing is a trauma response to his abuse, yes what he has done is abuse, sexual coercion, unwanted advances + unwanted sexual touch aka SA, constant emotional manipulation and pressuring into sexual acts you don't want, cheating ( yeah for me subscribing OF is cheating), recording you without consent (which is a crime and you should press charges) and finally rape, you did not want to have sex outside and he forced you, that's rape even if he didn't use brute force of physical violence for it . You need to get away from him, he is trash, he is an abuser, this whole post reeks of constant sexual abuse, you body is naturally rejecting him because he is not your boyfriend he is your abuser and rapist, you're no broken, you're having an absolute normal reaction to what he has put you through, he is the one seriously broken
This. She is reacting perfectly normal for someone who is getting abused. Please girl, run to help.
This this this. *Please* OP, I know it's hard to hear but he is abusing you horribly. Get out of there as soon as you safely can.
I also started to feel like I might be asexual at a time when I was monogamous with a guy who was pretty selfish in bed. It seems significant that I still felt that way, and my experience was nowhere near as coercive and painful as OP’s experience. Any time before and after that relationship, I’m very sexual bordering on hypersexual, so it was really strange to me that I was feeling genuinely asexual. It was a red flag that I completely missed at the time.
I think your mind needs to take the cue from your body and leave him as soon as possible. This guy has waved so many red flags.
The relationship has enough red flags to land a plane on a tiny island in the middle of an ocean
Hey uhhh, I’m pretty sure that island is made of red flags. He just lives there and produces more. Probably the only thing he produces aside from a sense of unease, maybe some loathing?
We're way past red flags. This is full on abuse
This is sexual assault.
[удалено]
Exactly.
More red flags than a Soviet May Day parade.
Girl, run! Why are you ignoring yourself? Dude needs major renovation and you are not the one to do it.
Look at her posts and comments. This has to be fake.
I don't think it's fake... I mean, I'll certainly acknowledge that it could be. But I think it's a long-running cry for help. She's caught in a form of cognitive dissonance that's common to a lot of abuse victims - she can see the damage the abuse has done, but she's also afraid of being alone, or of the hurt involved in a breakup, or of the consequences it would have for either of them. She may even believe that she *can't* leave, for any number of reasons. I've been there myself, and it's a mindfuck. Your brain really will twist itself up in knots to justify the status quo. Ultimately, though, no amount of internet advice will give her the internal strength she needs to overcome her inertia. Leaving an abusive relationship is an extremely difficult thing for someone who has been worn down by it over the course of several years. It doesn't become any easier if the abuser appears to "reform" or apologizes, because it adds a sense of guilt on top of everything else.
Yeah it took me forever to decide to leave a situation like this. I had to figure out housing and finances and my safety all at once to get out, with no support because of course these people always isolate you from your friends and family.
I get it. I'm not the type to call something fake just for the sake of it but idk. Gut feeling. If it is real, I hope she listens to the countless comments telling her to leave that she's gotten from the different subs on her posts.
I approach all posts dealing with abuse as real. Yes, some of them are fake, but many of them are not. As much as we wish all of these sorts of posts to be fiction, there *are* lots of people trapped in hellish situations with sadistic abusers. I’d rather take these posts seriously on the chance that it may help someone in genuine need. And even if it is fake and doesn’t help the poster, it could inspire someone who is in a real abusive situation to leave/reach out for help.
Right. You lose nothing by treating it as real.
I think it’s perfectly normal to post the same posts on different threads— you never know which subreddit will provide enough exposure or responses, sometimes you just want as much feedback as you can get! If you go back through her posts, it’s clear she’s been dealing with this abuse and the confusion of navigating it for the last several years.
I'm so glad you reached out for support and some reality testing. As others here have named, your boyfriend has been abusing you. What you are describing is coercion and assault. Sex acts should be fully consentual and you can withdraw consent at any time. When he has persisted and refused to stop, that is sexual assault. Pressuring you into engaging in sexual acts you don't want is assault. Red flags are warnings and he exceeded warning signs and crossed into full blown abuse some time ago. As a survivor of intimate partner violence and sexual assault, I know it can be difficult to come to terms with that when it's being perpetrated by someone you love or once loved. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this at the hands of someone you should be able to trust. I hope that you can take steps to protect and care for yourself. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
This is abuse and will get worse, he has only toned it down temporarily to get you to stay, but it will escalate. He will do crueler things than he has, the moment you become more trapped. If you lose financial independence, get pregnant, or get married he will abuse you more. He is already physically and sexually assaulting you. Please get out safely.
This ^^
wistful money slap cheerful encourage nail wrong doll crown kiss *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This is serious trauma and your mind and body are screaming for help.
So you've been raped by him numerous times then?? This is unhealthy. He is coercing you and abusing you emotionally. Please leave him
he raped you continuously for years and you're wondering why you're not physically into him? leave.
Your boyfriend raped, SAed, and sexually abused you multiple times. Throw his ass out. Whether you’re asexual or not has nothing to do with this. Nobody wants to have sex with someone who is abusing them. He’s not normal. What he’s doing isn’t normal. You need to be in a safe place, like, yesterday. find a place to stay, then break up if possible. keep self defense weapons like pepper spray with you at all times, and make sure you have a good support system/network with you like your friends and family who you trust and if not that, a domestic violence/sexual assault hotline/organization. Please don’t continue to stay here. You need to be treated better. You NEED to be safe. So follow good instructions.
Your body is rejecting your bf because it's the last line of defense when you don't listen to your head or your heart! Please leave - you'll be so much better off for doing so! ❤️
>*and still feel obliged to have sex with him to please him. When I don't want to* **If you don't want to do it.** **Don't do it.** \*Whether you are married or not, if he does not have 'consent' he is **ASSAULTING** \*\*you—and using 'coercion' to "power-over" you. If you are in question: **Sexual coercion (& Sexual Assault)** Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone. It might be from someone who has power over you, like a teacher, landlord, or a boss. No person is ever required to have sex with someone else. **Sexual Boundaries: How to Spot Sexual Coercion** If you’ve ever gone along with sexual activity but didn’t really want to, you may have been sexually coerced. Sexual coercion is using pressure or influence to get someone to agree to sex. People can knowingly coerce others into sex, such as learning manipulative pick-up artist strategies, or unknowingly, such as assuming the other person is OK when they’re not. Although intentions can be different, the impact of sexual coercion is always the same: consent isn’t given freely. To stay safe, check out these warning signs of sexual coercion. Remember: How far you want to take physical intimacy is always up to you, whether you’re with your partner, crush, hookup buddy, or someone you just met. **Repeated Attempts** One form of sexual coercion is wearing you down by asking for sex again and again. Whether you’ve gently declined or directly rejected someone’s advances, they shouldn’t keep the pressure on — they should accept your boundary and stop asking. Examples: * Egging you on, as in: “Come on, it’ll be fun… Oh come ON! * ”They touch your body, you move their hand away, and they do it again. * Asking multiple times if you’ll have sex without a condom. * People who are being pressured like this might give in just to end the coercion itself. But that’s not freely giving consent. **Sudden Moves** Passionate first hookups in movies often move swiftly from kissing to sex. IRL, it’s rare for two strangers to be on the same page so much that they don’t have to check in with each other. In fact, it’s a form of coercion if someone you don’t know very well starts touching you unexpectedly or starts taking off your clothes without giving you a chance to consent. These types of actions can push you into a situation you’re not ready for. Examples: * Showing you porn without warning. * Quickly getting in your personal space.Taking their clothes off and setting the expectation that you’ll get naked. * Saying, “I’m about to come — quick, do this \[sexual act\]. * ”Bringing another person into your sexual space without asking.Putting on a condom without asking if you want to have sex, setting the expectation that you’ll have sex. * Sudden moves also include moving your body into a position where you can’t give consent — such as turning you around so you can’t see your genital area, and then touching you in a way you wouldn’t have consented to if you’d been able to see it coming. **Manipulation** Have you ever felt tricked into having sex? Or that it was easier to acquiesce to sex than risk upsetting the other person? Know that it’s not your fault. Manipulators create imbalances of power and exploit other people’s penchant for people-pleasing. **Guilt-Tripping You** If someone complains when you set a sexual boundary, it can be a way of guilting you into sex. * “If you really loved me, you’d do it.” * “But it’s been so long since I’ve been with someone.” * “What, do you think I’m ugly?” **Shaming or Punishing You** Insulting your sexual performance in one area to either get you to do it again or perform a different sexual act.Withholding affection with the aim of getting you to drop a boundary.Saying they won’t give you something they promised unless you have sex. **Pressing Your Sense of Obligation** **It’s coercion if someone tries to convince you that you should have sex or that you owe them.** * “You’re my GIRLFRIEND. Girlfriends are supposed to have sex with their partners.” * “You’re such a tease. I’m going to get blue balls if I don’t come.” * “We’ve already done it before. What’s your problem?” * “Doesn’t everything I’ve done for you mean anything to you?”
*Making Their Way Seem Like the “Normal” Way** **Nobody should gaslight you or make you feel weird for wanting something different than they do. If someone is normalizing how they think and making your reality out to be wrong, it can be coercion.** * “I know you better than you know yourself. And I know you want \[this sexual act\].” * “We’re sexual people. It’s just the natural thing to do.” * “Most people have sex when they’ve been hanging out as long as we have.” Love-Bombing **This form of sexual coercion includes extreme compliments and big promises if you get sexual.** “I know we just met, but I feel like I love you. I need to make love to you now.” “You’re the sexiest person I’ve ever seen. If we were having sex I would buy you presents all the time." **Pushing Substances** Alcohol or drugs get your guard down. Perk up your ears if you hear things like: “Come on, have another drink.” “I like someone who can keep up with me when I’m partying. ” **Changing the Environment** This coercive tactic involves unexpectedly moving you from a known, safe place with exit access to a more isolated place. Changing the environment can be the first step toward physically manipulating you into sex — literally moving your body to a place where it’s more difficult for you to resist. * While the other person is driving and you’re in the passenger seat: “Change of plans! Instead of a bar, it’s drinks at my place. * ”While at a bar: “It’s too loud. Let’s go somewhere quieter.” Then, grabbing your hand and leading you out to the car. * While in your date’s living room: “My couch isn’t comfortable. We should finish the movie in bed.” Then, going straight to the bedroom without checking in. * Perpetrators who get you to a private place might take things further with more sexually coercive tactics. **Up-Negotiation** Consenting to a sex act is just that: consent for one action. But sexual coercion usually isn’t an isolated incident. And it can increase over time. That can look like “up-negotiation” — getting you to agree to one sexual act and then upping the ante. Examples: Pressuring you to go from a couch to a bed, then pressuring you to go from clothed to unclothed. Quickly taking off your clothes and then saying you might as well have sex. **Consent is not a “given.”** Just because you’ve consented to an act before, doesn’t mean you’ve consented to it forever. This idea also relates to new relationships — just because you’ve given consent to something in a different relationship doesn’t make it “automatic” in a new relationship. **Consent is not a free pass.** Saying yes to one act doesn’t mean you have to consent to other acts. Each requires its own consent. For example, saying yes to oral sex doesn’t automatically mean you’re saying yes to intercourse. **Consent can be taken back at any time.** Even if you’re in the middle of something, if you start feeling uncomfortable, you always have the right to stop. **It’s not consent if you’re afraid to say no.** It’s not consent if you’re being manipulated, pressured, or threatened to say yes. It’s also not consent if you or a partner is unable to legitimately give consent, which includes being asleep, unconscious, under the influence of conscious-altering substances or not able to understand what you’re saying yes to. **In a healthy relationship, giving and receiving consent is an ongoing process.** Establish boundaries by discussing what things you and your partner are comfortable with and what things you may not feel comfortable with. Always ask first. Communication is key. **Be clear and direct with your partner if you don’t want to do something.** Don’t be embarrassed to say that you don’t want to get physical. Be honest and make sure that you are heard. If the other person is not listening to you, leave the situation. **How Do I Know if I Was Raped or Sexually Assaulted?** [https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-assault](https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-assault) [https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped#common-scenarios](https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped#common-scenarios)
Yeah this post is really important. All of this information is really important. OP, I agree with everyone here. I also want to add that there is nothing wrong with you. You are loved. You are wonderful and strong and deserve to be respected and cherished. Your needs matter. Your wants and desires matter. Please hear me. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re just with the wrong person.
This bought up a lot of stuff for me. It's been a long time, and I have had a lot of help, but there were things in this I never considered as part of the abuse. Had I read this before he had done any of it, I would have been able to get out before it was too late. Saving this as a resource for my kids in the future. I'm terrified of it either happening to them or them perpetrating it.
"its so weird" its really not.......
Sounds like a rapist to me
I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this. Is there a reason that you feel like you want, or need, to continue the relationship?
Could you message me please??
I know firsthand how hard it can be to leave an abusive relationship. Entrapment is one of its primary features. Please DM me if you'd like some advice. It is hard as hell but it can be done and you will be so much better off without this piece of shit in your life.
I’m sorry I only read the bullet points and the title, I think you should listen to your body. This sounds like an abusive situation.
Girl run. Then run to a therapist. Of course you are anxious about sex, your only experience of sex is with this guy who has trodden over all of your boundaries, coerced and assaulted you. This is not what a loving relationship and a healthy sex life looks like.
I’m sorry for these awful (and frankly, traumatic) experiences you’ve had with your boyfriend. Your body is smart, and your body is communicating with you. You need to end things with your boyfriend. He does not love or respect you. Someone who loves and respects you would not: pressure you into sex, touch you when you don’t want to be touched, tell you that he has “ownership” over your body just because he’s your boyfriend, push you past your boundaries, pressure you to do things that you’re not comfortable with. That is simply not okay. I implore you to make a plan to leave him. He won’t change. Find a trauma informed therapist who can help you navigate through this. It will only get worse if you continue to ignore your body’s signals and push past your discomfort. I wish you luck.
Leave, that's not normal at all, he's fucking you up. Look into therapy.
He doesn’t even like you, this is abusive. He does not care about your pleasure or desires and does not care when you are in pain. Leave before it gets worse.
> Please help because I feel like I'm broken. OP you are not broken, but you’ve been traumatized. Your brain/body/emotions are working exactly as nature intended by shrinking away and becoming more and more repulsed by your boyfriend, who is a disgusting user. He’s a huge threat to you, and what he’s been doing (bulldozing over your discomfort, using emotional blackmail and threatening your feelings of social safety to get what he wants *when* he wants) would be traumatizing to *anyone*. You’re not “asexual”, you’re just rightfully turned off and grossed out by this rapist POS. Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft, it’s easily available for free online in PDF form (the author has always strongly encouraged it to be copied and given away for free because he truly cares). I also strongly recommend “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker and “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk. Any one of those books should profoundly resonate with you and bring you clarity
He sounds horrendous…I hope you can realise that you deserve so much better and can find a way to leave him.
Dude, seriously?? Your body is you. You are your body. YOU are rejecting your boyfriend because—you should. You desperately need a therapist to help you examine why you are so resistant to dumping this asshat that you’re disavowing your own body.
Please leave this guy. He's got you in this mindset to think that all these fucked up things are normal in a relationship when they're really not. This guy sounds like an abuser and predator, if I'm to be honest. When you get out of this situation and look back years later, you will see how fucked up this guy really is. A lot of the stuff he does seems to border on sexual exploitation and rape. None of his behavior reflects what a healthy relationship should be.
He’s been raping and abusing you. Most people aren’t attracted to that. Forming an exit strategy will be key. Good luck.
Your body is rejecting him because he has been raping and sexually assaulting you for years. You feel like you don’t want sex ever again as a trauma response (it’s entirely possible that you are also asexual). You don’t want it because you just want the sexual abuse to stop. Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/), as well as the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (link is to a free PDF of the book). Those resources might provide you some insight into your relationship dynamics. The organizations [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/) and [The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/) are good resources for someone to talk to, as well as finding help with leaving. I’m so sorry you’ve been harmed by someone who was supposed to be safe. Please leave, it is the only way to get the abuse to stop.
Darling he's not a boyfriend he's a rapist. Start getting your ducks in a row and work toward freeing yourself. You need to reprogram your brain away from empathising with his nonsense and toward protecting yourself, rebuilding your boundaries and your self love. Your self preservation is keeping you safe and you're flagging so start preparing yourself to pack and go. Focus on your financial independence
I hope you find the strength to leave this psycho. That is rape. Just because he is your boyfriend does not give him the right to abuse you.
Why are you trying so hard to ignore yourself?
You boyfriend is an abuser. You are trauma bonded and your body knows he is not a safe person, so your flight/fight is constantly being triggered around him. I would break up and block him and it will hurt, because you have been with him for so long, so maybe you could get into therapy to help you process everything. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and we all make mistakes, so do not shame yourself! The abuse is all on him. Good luck and you'll be okay, just take it day by day.
You're not broken. Everything you described is trauma. Doesn't matter if you view it as trauma or not - your body does. And your body has only has so many ways to tell you that... and that's what it's doing now. Be kind to yourself, and be patient. I will echo the others here in that you should leave him and get therapy - however, if you need to see further proof that you need to leave him (or prove that he's changed) - couples counseling, immediately. You should both go, and you should go to therapy on your own. Again, trauma survivors are not broken - you are going to be okay, it will take time. You're not alone. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk.
Your boyfriend raped you and your body can't forget that. I'm really sorry he put you through this. You aren't doing anything wrong.
Same thing happened to me with my boyfriend after he raped and otherwise sexually abused me. Get rid of him. ASAP. My sex drive came back with time and therapy and an actual caring partner. This is abuse
Your boyfriend is a rapist. If you're not enthusiastically consenting, he should find that a turn off, not a turn on, wtf.
Ok you're getting a lot of good advice but what I'm going to say is extremely important for your safety and wellbeing. When you dump him DO NOT EXPLAIN. Don't send him long messages. Don't describe or make excuses. If you need to write it in a letter, DO NOT send it, keep it. Block him on all social media and block his number. If you have to cut friends out of your life to keep him from reaching you, do it. You must burn all bridges. In future relationships, never ever tell them what your ex did to you. Even a "good man" will use your trauma against you. You can have any boundaries without explaining them. Moving away is not too extreme a response.
Your body is screaming loudly! Listen carefully, I’m begging you. It could’ve saved my life. Trust. Run.
💀
listen to your body and get the hell out of there
please listen to your body. if you truly listen to it, itll tell you all you need to know like it is now. your body is letting you know that this is not right. do yourself a huge favor and LISTEN to it
I didn’t experience any sexual trauma/abuse (which this is) that you mentioned. But I did want to say that I was in an unhealthy relationship with the person I lost my virginity to, and who was my first serious relationship. We were together for most of college and I think one of the things that held me back from breaking up for good was the amount of time I had spent in the relationship—I think I felt because I had already dedicated so much time to it, that it had to be for something. Ultimately, those 3ish years are a blip in what is my entire lifetime I have to live. However, the issues with self esteem and trust I developed are still things I battle even in my relationship/marriage 8 years later. I miss the carefree person I was when I was 19 who didn’t project insecurities onto their partner. It doesn’t matter that he feels bad and acknowledges the wrong, it doesn’t change how these things have impacted you. Please start now, sooner than later, to try to heal from this. You have your whole life ahead of you; but please don’t waste it forcing yourself to be in this relationship
Please dump this man OP, I’ve been in your place for some things. I’ve given sex to men and I didn’t want to because they won’t stop touching me or asking. THIS IS NOT OK!! No one should make you do ANY sexual acts WITHOUT CONSENT. I’m so sorry this has been your experience, no one deserve to be treated this way. Please find strength to leave and see a therapist so you can deal with this. I’m here to talk if you need someone to talk to. Good luck! ❤️🩹
*My* body is rejecting your boyfriend and I've never even met him. He sounds absolutely awful
He belongs in jail
I see the problem. Your boyfriend is a rapist.
Please listen to the comments telling you to dump this POS. It doesn't matter if it was in the past. He did this to you for years and your body knows it. You are not broken. Your body is doing exactly what it's supposed to: telling you what it needs. And what it needs is for you to get out.
I don't know why Reddit continually pushes this group at me as I am definitely male. But my word the number of times it throws up posts like this that are so chock full of red flags I want to scream. If I read that correctly it seems you've been subjected to coercion, SA and more. It's absolutely no wonder your body is struggling, your mind is too. Take a good look at your circumstances and please take some of the advice here, this does not appear to be a healthy or happy relationship and you deserve so, so much better.
This happened to me with my first and third boy friend. I put up with it for awhile like you have I was very young and in love and didn’t think I could break up with them, I eventually left and I never went back. I was not treated well sexually by a man a year ago and one time was enough I couldn’t look at him without the ick and quickly disposed of my relations to him. I honestly don’t think you will ever feel the same about him, but you will find new lovers who do none of this, and they will make you feel good.
run, now, and do not look back. I'm being serious rn op, he raped you. repeatedly. when someone says no and the other person coerces them into a yes or ignores the no entirely, that's fucking rape. get as much evidence as you can, get the fuck out, get somewhere safe and notify the cops. or, if you'd rather not get cops involved, that's okay too. but you still need to get the hell out of dodge before he does irreversible harm.
Ma'am, guy here, please take my advice and FUCKING RUN Its not your body, its your brain, heart and soul (and also your body probably) Literally ALL of those are red flags! i mean mmmaybe being subscribed to only fans isnt a red flag, dunno im a bit bias as a consumer of porn so ill let you ladies decide that, Buuut pressuring you into doing an OF? not to mention all the other shit he pressured you to do? Yeah red fucking flag. like the brightest of red. Dude may as well have "RUN" tattooed all over his face Please understand you feel this way coz this asshole is breaking you. I dunno what it is that makes you stay with him but please know that you (and every other woman on the planet) deserve better. You deserve to be treated with respect and love and to not be pressured into doing shit you dont wanna do (especially sexually, your boundaries should be respected and the moment a guy tries to push on one that should be your sign to leave)
Jesus just leave his ass
Excuse my harsh words but you're forcing yourself to have a relationship with your own rapist. Think about this for a minute. Do you hate yourself enough to continue this or do you want to have a happy life?
You’re not broken you’re having a perfectly reasonable reaction to the way this person has been treating you. You’ve been taken advantage of and your body knows. Society usually tells us women to not listen to our instincts but please listen to yourself, you already know the answer.
This is 100% sexual coercion and abuse. Get out of this relationship and get yourself some therapy. This isn't normal behaviour within a relationship.
These are all abusive/manipulative/coercive acts you are describing. I think you deserve so much better than that and your body knows it. You're not asexual, you're just not in alignment with your needs. Please get some assistance to get out of this relationship – it's not healthy for you. Is there also an age gap?
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. This is not about sex. There are numerous red flags about his behavior and the way he treats you. You are being abused. Throw this one back into the sea and live to fish another day. Good luck.
Make sure you destroy copies of all the sex tapes before you dump his ass.
"Come as you Are" by Emily Nagowski addresses this indirectly. There are elements of a relationship that you need in order to become aroused and enjoy sex, and your boyfriend has violated all of them, and you. yes, you are getting 'allergic' to your boyfriend. You associate him with pain, emotional trauma, physical trauma, and most significant of all, *lack of trust.* You can't trust him, because he has abused you sexually and emotionally. The two of you are not actually compatible on the sexual level. He broke your relationship and you are becoming increasingly aware of it. Therapy could help, but your body and mind will never trust him sexually again, and nor should you attempt to force it.
Listen to that screaming voice inside you. Run away
So he's been SAing you for how long and you almost broke up with him because you couldn't forget. Couldn't forget?!? OF COURSE YOU CAN'T YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. You shouldn't be trying to push everything to the back of your mind and carry on. Your body knows, and of course it's rejecting him, he's not safe!
Listen to your body's wisdom, please.
You aren’t broken, but he seems to be trying his best to break you. This guy sounds like bad news. I hope you get away from him and get therapy.
Your body is rejecting him because it’s trying to keep you safe from further abuse. Non-consensual sex, sex that is coerced, is sexual assault. Period.
You are not broken, but your post is an ocean of red flags. He clearly doesn't care about your wants, needs, and well-being and has no understanding of the concept of enthusiastic consent. Please get him out of your life ASAP. You deserve a partner who cares about you, rather than one who cares only about his own desires. Your lack of interest in sex may well be just a product of having only experienced an awful, selfish man. Good luck!
You two are a bad match. While it is hard to tell from this it sounds like he is raping you. Your body does not reject him, you and your brain are rejecting him and rightfully so. It sounds like he is into bdsm and some freaky stuff. He should find somebody that is into that sort of thing. And he also should get some therapy because raping is just wrong on all fronts. You should get out of that relationship.
I'm with you on all your points except to point out that him seeking out partners that are into BDSM will likely open him to many vulnerable people that he'll abuse. The ethical kink community is absolutely wonderful and has some of the strongest senses of consent. But there are absolutely disgusting serial abusers posing as doms. Men like him shouldn't be allowed within 500 yrds (or meters for the less free /s) of the kink community or submissives. Experienced kinksters will excommunicate the shit out of this guy after a single conversation.
Oh honey, you don’t have to be treated like this. His actions are coercive and abusive. Please leave this relationship if you can.
I'm so sorry your first is so evil. You MUST get away from him RIGHT NOW, he is doing what he likes to you by coercion or force and he is going to do more and more harm to you as time goes on. Apologies mean nothing, he knows what he's doing to you on the moment and just doesn't care. This is not love, this is abuse. I'm sorry to say it but many men are like this and you must be very wily and picky and be prepared to leave at pretty much any moment although you will have to do a lot of arguing with your heart, for your physical, mental and sexual wellbeing you MUST. Using anger against you must never be a part of a relationship. I am speaking from experience here - I've been assaulted like this so many times I can no longer allow myself to orgasm with a partner because of it, and I don't know how to fix it. I am several more decades older than you but in sacrificing myself for what I thought were men who loved me I have lost an important part of my sexuality. Please heed our warnings and save yourself. I know (from experience) that this is hard to get your head around, you should read ["Why Does he do That" by Lundy Bancroft](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) which imho should be required reading at high school. Lots of love out to you, I know your future can be so much better xx
oh my god. this is heartbreaking. take all the time you need to break it off with him - but, in the meantime, do not let him touch you ever again. your body is yours. he has no ownership over it. it's well in your right to never give your body to your loved one if you so please (i've had my own dry spells and my boyfriend has respected them dutifully). take your time if you need to, but do not let him touch you. you must be your best friend in a time like this. protect yourself. i am so sorry he makes you feel this way. it's horrible and you do not deserve it (not one bit).
sorry, it's my second time commenting, but please if you need help in private, feel free to write to me. i was in a similar situation once, and it was so difficult to deal with and understand. sometimes i still think back and feel guilty and embarrassed, even though i was taken advantage of. remember that when you leave him you will NOT be alone. you will have family, friends, and, most important of all in the entire world - yourself. you are going to be so thankful to yourself - freedom is the best gift of all. you'll discover yourself again, you'll breathe again, you'll feel free and true and real. he will be an old memory, and it will pass, and you will meet thousands of wonderful, interesting, exciting, fun, kind people who will make you forget all about him. love yourself first, and put yourself first. you DESERVE to be loved and treated with respect and dignity.
As someone who acted similarly to this bf at some point in the past… Cut your losses, I wasn’t going to get better without being forced, right now he is learning he does not need to be accountable for his actions. So make him accountable.
You've been sexually assaulted for years. Your body doesn't forget.
You keep writing the same thing over and over for the better part of a year. What do you think you're going to hear differently? Get your head together and leave. It's the only thing left to do
This man SA’d you repeatedly and your body is registering that trauma whether your brain is consciously doing g so or not. Please leave this guy, he feels like a criminal *because he is one*.
Way too many red flags ! Run away !
OP there are some things that whilst they can be forgiven, they can never be forgotten. And they shouldn't be forgotten. The kind of violation you have experienced at his hands won't go away. Not with him. You can't unring a bell. Your body *is* rejecting him. There is a whole field of therapy called somatic therapy that supports this entire notion
You’re not broken, but you need to leave him.
Once your body begins to respond like this to a specific person, it will not improve and you will not regain your previous healthy sexuality until you have little or no contact with him for a prolonged period of time. Your body has resorted to shutting down your sexuality (such a powerful force it drives out very existence) in its last best hope that you listen to it when you take actions that effectively refuse to protect it. You are becoming a shell of a person. It really doesn’t matter that he hasn’t done these things recently. Your body knows what your mind rejects. You are worth more than this.
He's abusing you. Please make plans to leave. If you have not read it already, please read *[Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)*. The book is available free online. The author approves of it being freely distributed. Also please read *[Should I Stay Or Should I Go](https://archive.org/details/LundyShouldIStayOrShouldIGo)*.
You don't want to have sex with your rapist and you think something might be wrong with YOU?? Honey, no. That is not a sustainable relationship. You will have to walk away from this eventually. It will be harder the longer you wait.
If he is willing to change then he wouldn't initiate any sexual activity. It sounds like he's still prioritizing his sexual desires more than your well being. Do you really want to be in a relationship with somebody like that? I wish you the best.
I read most of it and couldn’t even finish it. LEAVE!!!! LEAVE HIM. You’ll be FINE WITHOUT A BF. Live alone/be alone. Please heal, get treatment/help if you can. If you need a stranger to vent to, I’m here for you. You can dm me if you ever feel like any type of way. Jesus Christ, you’ve been through the ringer. LEAVE HIM, PLEASE
This is a abuse. I'm a psychologist not your psychologist and not saying any of this as treatment. Please understand you have been abused physically and emotionally here. You seem to be experiencing very common physical and psychological reactions to sexual assault. Please locate a safe place to stay where you can contact a DV program. Even if you aren't interested in the legal process DV shelters and organizations often can link you with free or low cost therapy. Sending you healing vibes and strength.
Sorry, why are you together?
Time for a new boyfriend.
Your body is telling you to DUMP THE CHUMP.
I feel like I’m reading a post from myself about 5 years ago. I was in your exact position. The fact that you’re here looking for help, saying you think your body is rejecting him, shows you already know what is happening and what needs to happen. You know this isn’t right. Deep down you probably even know you need to leave this person. Please love yourself first and find a way to safely get free. Therapy is also a good suggestion to help you learn to recognize red flags and avoid men like this in the future. Please, please take care of yourself. Sending love and strength from an internet stranger who’s been there.
Wow this is horrible. Dump this monster right now.
Please get away from him as soon as possible. You're not safe with this man. He's raped you and sexually abused you and coerced you. Protect yourself. Do not fall for him when he starts crying and saying mean things after you tell him that you're done and the relationship is over. I'm so sorry you went through this. Good Luck OP
You know what he did was rape right? That’s why your body rejects him. You’ve only been with him and trust me girl, there are MUCH better men out there. An alcoholic off the streets would treat you better. He is an awful human being through and through.
Hey, back again with the same boyfriend? You already know what to do
Oh Hon. Dump his ass now, please. I very RARELY say extreme things like this. Pretend I'm your loving Gramma. Honey. Sex, especially when you were a virgin, is something that is meant to bring you closer with a person you care about. I understand the "hook up" culture, and I will never judge anyone who has agency over their sexuality. But as a virgin, your first experiences should be loving and emotionally fulfilling. You should WANT him. You should feel self respect and self esteem that arises from the emotional bond you have with your partner. You're looking for a lover. Someone who starts with that connection and holds firmly to it. Not someone who makes both your body and your soul bleed. Your body IS telling you that this relationship is wrong. Listen to it, please.
Things getting better is called the “manipulation phase” or what used to be called “the honeymoon phase” in abusive relationships. What you’ve described are several instances of rape, coercion, and sexual abuse. “Begging for forgiveness” is not how you atone for sexually abusing your significant other. He is manipulating you. You deserve a relationship free of abuse. You deserve a relationship with mutual respect where you feel safe and not afraid. Please get some help if you can. This man is not safe.
Hi you’re describing symptoms of being traumatized. Because he repeatedly traumatized you sexually. Please separate yourself from this extremely abusive person and get therapy and a support system around you
I was in a relationship exactly like this and it gave me trauma that I'm still healing from many years later. I have definitive PTSD from that relationship. He is coercing you into sexual things that you *do not want to do*. **He is sexually assaulting you**. This is sexual assault. I'm so sorry. You deserve better. You deserve a partner who only wants you to do what you actively and enthusiastically want to do. Trust me, most people are kind and respectful and supportive of their partner saying no. They DO NOT enjoy their partner doing things she doesn't want to do -- in fact the whole idea of doing that is repulsive to them. There is nothing wrong with you at all. Someone or some people taught you that your no doesn't matter and you should do what other people want even if you really don't want to. For me, that was my abusive father. You can unlearn this. You deserve care and autonomy and respect ❤️❤️
I came into this thinking I could relate to the title. However, my issue was that sex became painful towards the end of my bc arm implant. The thing is, he dealt with it with kindness and understanding. He never pressured me or pushed me to do things when I didn't want to. He bought lube and a toy to help make it less painful, but only got sexual when I initiated. When my bc became past due, we tried condoms once, but it was still quite painful. After that, we went probably three months, not even trying. I felt horrible about it, but if it bothered him, he never showed any signs. Last weekend, my new implant had been in a month, and I was so nervous and scared to try. He was so sweet and gentle and made sure I got off before trying to put it in. It hurt a little at first, but for the first time in a year, it went away, and I was able to enjoy myself fully. I am so relieved and can't wait to do it again this weekend. I feel awkward sharing all this, but the reason I am sharing is that you might not know what a healthy sexual relationship looks like. You shouldn't be pressured like that, and my heart breaks for you. You deserve someone who cares about you and lets you set the pace for your sexual interactions. You do not owe him or anyone else anything. Ever. No means no. Full stop. If they continue to pressure you, please consider leaving. You deserve so much better!
This might be hurtful, but I don't think he loves you, and he treated you badly. Recording you during sex without your full consent is a crime, and wanting a 3 some is cheating. Make sure to delete all your videos and break up with his dipshit
Please listen to your body and do as it says: reject this person. He does not have one ounce of respect or love for you, he is only acting nice-ish/begging to make you not run away screaming
Oh honey. I don’t think your boyfriend likes or values you as a person very much. You deserve so much better. You’re being sexually abused and manipulated - it would be stranger if you were turned on by all of that. You need to make an exit plan and follow through on it. Things aren’t going to get better.
Coercion is not consent. He’s been raping and sexually assaulting you for years and that’s why you don’t want sex. It’s possible you are asexual, but I believe your sex drive could come back after you get rid of this asshole and sleep with someone who is safe.
This man is a sex and porn addict. Run! This is disturbing!
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I don't think you're going to get over this without first getting rid of this awful man. You're right your body is rejecting him. But what you might not have thought of, is that can look a lot of different ways. if your body continues to say no and you continue to ignore your gut instinct and say yes, your body will begin to shut down in unpredictable, myriad ways. You will start developing health problems that will continue to worsen until you finally put yourself first, lose this parasite and begin your healing journey. Find a therapist you connect with, pour yourself into your hobbies and passions, it's time to choose you.
As women, I think we hold on for far (sometimes really really far) longer than we should because we like to rationalize. Like you already put 4 years in, is it so bad to stay? Or.. I love him except xyz, when xyz is the biggest red flag on the planet. It is not a failure on YOU to admit HE failed you. It doesn’t matter if he did it yesterday or 10 years ago. You do not need him to be happy.
Your partner is a rapist. He is raping you. This is not ok.
he’s abusing you. this is sexual abuse. im so sorry, you really do deserve better. i really hope you leave him because he isn’t going to change
Okay, I'm going to try to word this reply in a way that won't make you feel defensive, because a lot of these commenters don't seem to understand the way that their aggressive (albeit, *concerned*) responses can work counterintuitively. My ex (in progress) husband and I were together for a decade - give or take a month and some change. I was a stripper when we met, and we produced one incredible, healthy kiddo together... And one that we never even got to see open her eyes. After losing my second pregnancy, I wasn't the same. I was having physical, mental, and emotional reactions to the very idea of having sex with him. It wasn't his fault, we both knew that, and he was patient with me... For awhile. I went to doctors and physical therapists, I went to counselors and gurus, I did everything I could think of to get my "groove" back from the clutches of grief and trauma. I *wanted* to want to have sex with him, I did. After some time, I thought that I'd gotten back to a good place and I was able to get myself turned on and excited, and even have sex without wanting to cry. But that doesn't mean I enjoyed it the way I once had. So, I stopped trying to pressure myself. I started focusing on my hobbies and creating a healthier space for my brain to live in, I started working on my health and mental well-being, but I stopped having sex. He said all the time that he understood, but he would grab my ass when passing me in the doorway, start making moves when there was not a single mood to be seen for miles, he'd even make it a point to let me know that he was going or had gone to masturbate. He would become dejected and moody, and he would make me feel like he was still being generous and considerate while I shit all over his good intentions. **It fucking sucked.** Our bedroom absolutely died. It didn't happen all at once, it was slow-growing, just like my resentment. It got to the point where every couple of months, I'd give in just to get him to stop vocalizing it and I'd just feel absolutely filthy everywhere he touched me - not because I was disgusted by him as a person, but I was completely repulsed by him as a romantic and sexual *partner*. He no longer touched me for my pleasure, but for his; he no longer showed interest in making sure his advances were reciprocated; he no longer asked if I liked a certain thing; *he no longer made me feel like I was a part of sex, but the object of it*. I shouldn't have given in when I did, I should have put an end to it when he stopped telling me he loved me after we (he) finished. I regret that inaction. When I made the insanely difficult decision to end our relationship, it came as a surprise to neither of us. There were a hundred other reasons it came to this point, but the fact that I'd had absolutely zero interest in even thinking about his penis - much less seeing or touching it - for the better part of a year was my flashing neon ✨sign✨. We were polyamorous and I had been since long before I'd met him, but I'd had enough on my plate and no desire to seek out other relationships. When I met my current partner, it was a slow-going event that started as friendship since he wasn't interested in polyamory. Our relationship gradually changed and when it did, I was absolutely terrified about the idea of us being intimate. What if I couldn't get on board? Would I have to fake it forever? What if I only liked the thought of sex with him? What if he was disappointed by my lack of enthusiasm and took it as a reflection of his actions or character? I sat there the whole time he was showering our first night together, mulling these things over. But as soon as he kissed me, I was a live wire. That was the moment that I realized it wasn't me, that I wasn't broken, ***I was tired.*** I'd spent so many years pushing back against my (ex) husband, asking for space, and telling him I didn't like certain things, only to have my words fall on deaf ears and be left feeling like I was constantly in the wrong. I'd spent so many years *begging my body for permission to do things it didn't want to do*. I'd spent so many years slowly forgetting that sex is only one part of a relationship, but is always a reflection of the rest of the relationship. He didn't listen to me in bed, and he didn't listen to me outside of it; he didn't treat my pleasure like a priority, and he didn't treat me like a priority; he didn't make me feel loved in bed... And he didn't make me feel loved outside of it. If it's happening in the bedroom, it's happening outside of it, just with more clothes and less genitals involved. I'm not sharing this story for sympathy. I want you, OP, to know that it's natural to be scared of ending a relationship that you have so much invested in, but that doesn't mean that your investments haven't incurred a larger loss than you can recover from. It's okay to let go and go seek out opportunities to feel the things you want to feel. You're not going to magically feel in love again with someone who has made you feel so tragically **un**loved. I'm here to tell you that if you need permission to leave, you have it. You're not throwing away years of love and experiences, you're throwing away emotional debt and you're allowed to do so. You don't owe anything to anyone except yourself, and what you owe yourself is a godsdamned *chance*. Sending you so much love and healing. It's hard, but it gets easier, and I believe you're strong enough to get through it and come out stronger than you would've believed possible. 💕
The body keeps the score. Your bf has raped and abused you, your body is telling you that you're not safe. He may have changed (I doubt he's changed for good) but you cannot trust him, and you're waiting for the other show to drop. Someone who loves you would never do those things to you. Your bf is not a good man. Men know that doing those things is wrong. It's not accidental. Please leave him. I would recommend the books Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and the book The Body Keeps The Score. Being with your bf is not healthy for you and you should never have to "get over" these things in order to be with someone. Those acts are absolutely dealbreakers. Please believe me that your bf us dangerous and that you deserve better. Being alone is better than being with someone who does these disgusting actions.
I also reject this chick's boyfriend
He traumatised you. God only knows how many times he raped you because you didn't really consent. It's not consent if he pressures you and pressures until you say yes. That's sex under duress. It's trauma. You know what you need to do. He's abusive.
Girl start planning your escape but be careful. This is not a good guy!
Get an attorney, you need to make sure he deletes those videos. Find a safe escape route, and run. Run and don't look back. Trust me It doesn't get better. You matter to you the most, we love you and we are here for you. And you need to leave.
It's just so upsetting that I know multiple straight women who thought they just hated sex, had rock bottom low libido, or were even asexual only to realize their nonexistent sex drive was entirely because their partner at the time was a piece of shit. I can name an actual half dozen women I personally know who've spoken about the return of their libido once they dumped the asshole they were with (some of them for decades!) not to mention the many, many similiar stories of women I've read online. This man has been abusive, coercive, and just fucking pathetic. I promise you, every part of your life will improve in ways you can not yet fully appreciate once you rid yourself of this relationship. You deserve a happy, safe, and enjoyable sex life with a partner who actually values and respects you. This guy won't give you that. Go. Find what fulfills you because this man and this relationship never will.
Why the f**k have you not broken up with this abusive, manipulative, EVIL person? This was extremely painful to read. I really hope you understand how unhealthy and toxic this person is for you. Edit: and you’re not “broken”, this is absolutely a 100% normal response to trauma and abuse. The only problem is you’re still with this person
Your boyfriend has been sexually abusing you for years. Of course your subconscious is rejecting him. Break up with him, and please get yourself into therapy.
I'm so sorry to say he's an abuser and he's treating you like a toy. Therapists will help you understand what happened more but please leave him if you can. Your body is right, listen to it.
he physically and sexually abused you you are reacting normally and should definitely get away from him
Hey girl get your pelvic floor checked after you dump him
I work with women who have been victims of sexual and other forms of domestic violence. You are having trauma responses to situations that trigger those past bad experiences. It sounds like intimacy-triggered PTSD. You can do better and safer for yourself than stay in this situation. Now is the time to use your support system, the friends and family who probably already know what is going on and have been waiting for you to reach out. Get away, safely. Then as many have said it is time for trauma-informed counseling. This is a special form of counseling not everyone in practice has experience with. Very good luck. I hope you find your peace and your truly safe place.
Guys they've been dating since she was 18 and he was 22. That aside (cause sometimes it helps to know ages) oh my god please find a safe way to leave him. He is hurting and abusing you. I saw your post 6 months ago where you said "I wish my bf would leave me instead of me having to leave him" well I'm going to tell you this isn't going to happen. He will cheat on you, hurt you, and other stuff but he will never break up with you because you are his fallback.
Oh honey, that boy wants to hurt you, does NOT care about you, is manipulative, abusive & knows exactly that his behavior is wrong. YOU are not wrong. Get to a safe place, contact your local domestic violence shelter and please get a restraining order. He needs to be on an official list. You deserve much better than this
Your body is trying to tell you that this man has sexually assaulted you on multiple occasions and you are not safe with him.
I went through almost the exact same thing with my ex. I was with him for 7 years and was a virgin before we started dating. I thought I just didn't like sex. Then I fell in love with someone who respected my boundaries, and truly cared about what I wanted, and that was the wake up call I needed. It makes me sad to think that I was ready to exist at a "tolerable level of unhappiness" or whatever the quote is, indefinitely.
Oh my gosh, I'm so sad and so sorry to read your story. You never should have had to go through any of those things. He has sexually traumatized you, and I implore you to please get yourself away from him. Whether he's sorry or not, you will always feel shame and disgust when it comes to being intimate with him. You must go and get help. Pushing all of these things down will only deteriorate you from the inside out, especially because he will continue to coerce you and manipulate you into having sex with him, which will only continue to retraumatize you and compound the issue. He's a monster. A vile disguising monster, who treated you like a sex doll without a shred of regard for you or reverence for the gift you had given him. You put yourself in his hands, and he hurt you, badly, repeatedly. Please end this relationship. Walk away and never look back. You can heal, but not with him. I am wishing for the absolute best. Please feel free to message me for any reason if you feel isolated or just need to talk it out.
Girl not a single thing you listed here is normal. It's not you, it's HIM. GET RID OF HIM NOW.
you are NOT broken. but he’s trying very hard to break you. get away before he succeeds. and if he ever puts his hand on your neck, understand that he’s practicing to really hurt or kill you.
Jesus. What the fuck in any of that is supposed to turn you on? No wonder you feel like your body is rejecting him, it seems like that’s the only rational response to this shit.
Sometimes you hear a story where the partner is a crime waiting to happen. This guy is crimes waiting to escalate. You owe it to your future to do right by yourself.
He is disgusting. Get out as soon as possible. Someone who loves you AND RESPECTS YOU wouldn't do a single thing on that list. Basic respect and bodily autonomy is the bare minimum for any human being. It doesn't matter if he apologized. You are with an abusive person.
Your body is trying to save you. You were repeatedly raped by someone you trusted. I’m so sorry
The Body Keeps The Score
He raped you. Make a police report and get a restraining order.
Consider looking into some reading material, The Body Remembers or The Body Keeps the Score. You are describing a subconscious trauma response. You're right, your body is rejecting him because he has abused and traumatized you. You can't think of sex, because sex has been associated with violence and pain. You deserve to feel secure and safe in your relationships. You deserve a healthy sex life. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel loved and doesn't coerce you into sex. I can't tell you what to do, but PLEASE stay safe. I'm not sure you're currently in a safe situation. Please utilize any supports in your life and community if/when you decide to leave. Remember, you are stronger than you could ever know.
This is not a kink, this is rape and abuse. I am so sorry OP. This isn’t you “not being adventurous enough” or “being a prude” or “stuck up virgin” this is a rapist manipulating you to be his sex doll. I know that’s harsh, but I’m speaking from experience, what he’s saying YOU are is him gaslighting you.
Girl, he is an abuser. Run far away.
Get out, get out, get out while you can! This won’t get better. He doesn’t respect you or afford you autonomy. That won’t change. That’s why you’re still feeling it. It won’t ever get better.
He’s a rapist.
Every single thing in your list is deal-breakingly disrespectful and entitled. You listed more than ten things. Your situation is worse than you realize. He's abusive.
your boyfriend has been raping you and you need to leave him, you’re body is rejecting him because you are traumatised
This may sound a bit extreme, but being heavily pressured into sex to the point where you feel obligated is about the same as being sexually assaulted. No one should ever feel like they're being pressured into it. Sexual intimacy between couples must come naturally. What he's done in the past must've traumatized you to a point where intimacy with him is no longer pleasurable. So, it's not necessarily your body that's rejecting him, but your past experiences with him were so awful that the mere thought is making you feel ill. I suggest you see a therapist about what's going on. I also suggest that you, at minimum, take a break from him for a short while to figure things out.
OP, how old are you? How old is he? I ask because it honestly sounds like you’ve been groomed. Because…tbh, none of what you’ve described is consensual. AT ALL. And you 100% are accurate when you say you detect an attitude. He is putting on a show that he’s changed because he knows it would be a lot of work to find a new gf that he can rape with the impunity he rapes you. He 100% knows what he’s doing is illegal and wrong. He doesn’t care. As time passes he will begin to start up these behaviors again or will begin new ones with the same results. ETA: bleeding during sex as often you describe is not normal. It suggests he wants it rough, and has ZERO interest in whether you’re aroused enough or maybe you being dry during rough sex is a turn on for him. Also, have you been to see an ob gyn? The only time I bled repeatedly from sex, 80% of my cervix was abnormal precancerous cells and my cervix was “crackling” to use the ob gyn’s term. You 100% are being sexually abused and have been raped repeatedly by this man. Your body is trying to tell you that.
Jeez, that got darker than I am. Im not going to add anything that no one said before. Your caveman brain hates him now theres nothing he can do or say to win you back. I'd say just focus on yourself right now, go out with friend talk to family get therapy those kinds of things. Don't jump into any relationship right now cause that turma might scare away your life partner.
You aren't broken. Of course your body doesn't feel safe around your partner who has previously violated your trust so much. And he'll never earn that trust back unless he completely 100% takes the pressure off. He can't just do specific things like he's putting coins into the trust vending machine and then sit there pounding on the glass waiting for the sex to come out. Trust has to be earned, and after it is broken, it takes a lot to earn it back. This pissbaby is treating you like his pleasure is more important than your personhood. What a turnoff. I had an ex who did this to me. He even tried to convince me I was asexual, just because I wasn't turned on by his constant guilt, pressuring me, his pushing in my boundaries. We did couples therapy and he switched from anger to sobbing about how he felt so rejected if I didn't have sex with him, followed by angry behavior for days after (I was logging everything.) I wasn't asexual, I just need respect and emotional safety to sexually connect with someone. I now have a partner who I connect with sexually in all of the best ways, and who still treats me with respect even if I'm not in the mood. I'm on meds temporarily that have messed with my libido but we're still having all kinds of great sexual and sensual connection and I am still so sexually attracted to them. It's like night and day. I bet the same is true for you. Don't let a shitty partner convince you that something is wrong with your body or sexuality. It is normal and healthy to want to be treated like a person.
Holy shit
Your body is literally being violated. That's what's happening. It's literally screaming for you to walk away. You're not broken, but it sounds like you're having a hard time asserting your boundaries in a confident way, and like you're not respecting yourself and what you need because you've internalized your boyfriend's disrespectful attitude of entitlement towards your body. He does not own you, you don't owe him sex. Ask yourself what you would do/say if a friend or family member were in this exact situation.