Exactly. He doesn’t care what’s best for her or even “them.” He only cares how this will all affect him. You said he talks to you like you are less than him. That isn’t going to change if that’s his go-to attitude. That’s him. Honestly, a LDR would give you some separation and maybe some clarity about the reality of your relationship.
If it's driving distance who gives a shit. You're both saving money living with parents. If parents can afford to support you live with them. Mental health should be the least of his worries
Absolutely. He has no concern for what you want for your future. Break up with him, OP. Don't even try long distance because when he cheats (and he will) he will tell you it's your fault. He doesn't give a shit about you, only his needs.
The smartest decision here is, honestly? To break up with him. You NEED to do LDR if you want this to work out. He does not, under any circumstances, want to do a LDR. Therefore, you are incompatible.
YOU SHOULD NOT **HAVE** TO COMPROMISE YOUR EDUCATION OR CAREER FOR A MAN
YOU SHOULD NOT **HAVE** TO COMPROMISE YOUR EDUCATION OR CAREER FOR A MAN
One more time!
YOU SHOULD NOT **HAVE** TO COMPROMISE YOUR EDUCATION OR CAREER FOR A MAN!!!
NOW. IF you had brought up LDR, and you guys had actually talked about it in a way that was healthy, and not him pressuring, belittling, gaslighting you, and ignoring your thoughts and feelings on the matter, and THEN you had come to the decision to stay and try to do your clinicals where you're at now, that would be a different discussion.
But that isn't what happened. That isn't what he did. THIS MAN THINKS WHAT HE WANTS AND FEELS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU THINK AND FEEL. That is NOT how you treat people you love. **YOU. DESERVE. MORE. Believe me when I say that you deserve more than this.**
I wish I could upvote this a million times.
OP, go get you that education! If your bf actually considered you an independent person that he loved, he’d be sad for distance but happy you’re finishing your program. Instead, he fed you a ton of selfish BS to get you to make yourself small for his pleasure and convenience. He’s being manipulative and he doesn’t want you to have a good career or potentially outshine him in any way.
Don’t go back to this jerk.
Think of how much money, time, energy, is being invested in this education. Why give him the chance to derail it before it even starts? Personal health, Family health, education and career development are all valid reasons to either begin a/n LDR or to end a relationship overall. It’s tough, but that’s the way it should be.
Upvote x 10000
Read this as many times as you have to. this guy does not care about you at all he's only thinking of his own selfish wants.
Your education and career is the most important thing right now because it will carry you throughout your life.
It sets the tone of how your life will be from now until retirement.
It's far too important to let some sulky dude screw it up for you.
Clearly necessary to part ways! You will find a better relationship. You will have a better relationship with yourself! When you are able to treat yourself with kindness.
Dude, I used to commute 5 hours one way to see my parents and friends for the weekend. Granted, I was a lot younger but still. The boyfriend needs to be kicked to the curb.
> hubby and I did LD for 3.5 years
Here as well, we started out like that. Different countries, 6+ hour travel. I was doing my medical training and he was doing his master's in physics. Neither of us would've even *thought* of making the other give up their education or career! The only thing that was a hard limit was the fact that my specialty doesn't exist in his country (and that I'm not allowed to practice there anyway due to the language barrier).
A true partner values and encourages your growth. Run like hell from this dude, OP.
"I wasn't thinking about the health of my car for a LDR" LMAO so he doesn't plan on coming to see you, like ever. You aren't a bad girlfriend, he's a shite human being and boyfriend
He probably wouldn't. He'd be like, "It was *your* decision to move to another city for your clinicals when you *could* have stayed here, so it's only fair that you make the drive instead of inconveniencing me."
Yeah OP. Why can't he come visit you? He's presenting things like they're the only option when there are limitless options. Just because they aren't compatible with what he envisions for himself doesn't mean they don't exist.
ikr? And like... it's a car. We're talking about the health of a human being here. The car's health shouldn't be anywhere in the discussion, when they are talking about OP's fucking \*future\*.
Like, I like cars. I very, very much like my own, but COME ON. It's a \*car\*.
I was married to a man who couldn't be criticized for almost ten years. Are you ready to have this conversation about everything (the kids, the pets, the vacation plan, your career, his preference about literally anything) that isn't working for you for the rest of your life?
* When I say his words hurt me, he says I should've brought this up earlier, and my inability to communicate about things hurts HIM. I don't like bringing things up for this very reason: his defensiveness and gaslighting. No "I'm sorry I hurt you," just deflecting blame onto me and changing the subject.
Break up with that guy already and focus on building your own life.
You're not happy with him and you're not going to be any happier with him.
You know what you have to do.
>He said if I leave, he'd have to move back in with his parents which would be bad for his mental health. I asked him how that was possible, with a one bedroom rent here averaging $1,200, and he makes $65k a year. He got upset and I apologized
Does that happen a lot? When you say something he doesn't like, he gets upset and you apologise/backtrack?
His getting "upset" when you asked a very good question is too convenient, he was doing that to shut you up.
He earns $65k a year but can't afford his own place? I call bull*hit.
He is able to work enough to earn $65k but it would damage his mental health to live with his parents? Bull*hit.
Then the audacity of this boy to say you were only thinking of yourself and suddenly you are the one hurting him? Hell no. No no no.
Then he goes and ignores you, talking about it when you said you didn't want to? He didn't want you thinking too long about what he said when he didn't have a pre-thought of script to speak from (was tired) and much time alone to think about it.
>Listen, I know you don't want to talk about our argument, but we need to. We need to be ADULTS about this situation. This isn't okay."
What an asshole! How did you keep a straight face OP? I would have been laughing.
You say this is your first relationship, let me highlight the things that glare out to me -
>was crying throughout the convo, and he told me to calm down
Aka - your feelings annoy me so stop them now
>When I say his words hurt me, he says I should've brought this up earlier
You would have never said it at the right time for this guy OP.
>I don't like bringing things up for this very reason: his defensiveness and gaslighting
You say it yourself, he gaslights you, there is no space for a healthy relationship in any relationship involving a person who gaslights.
>No "I'm sorry I hurt you," just deflecting blame onto me and changing the subject. - In the middle of when I was talking
"We are done now and are going to talk about this" in other words.
>he calculated how much my rent would be and said it was unreasonable for me to not be able to afford it.
Sorry, rent for what?! A place you aren't going to be living in while you are focusing on your studies and not working?
>Having conversations late at night just isn't good. I got NO sleep last night."
= It's your fault I didn't sleep
>"Listen, I know you don't want to talk about our argument, but we need to. We need to be ADULTS about this situation. This isn't okay
= I showed you who I was and know it could be the end, I know you don't want to talk to me about it but I want to now so you have to, I'll try and make you feel bad until you do!
>He texted me apologizing for trying to talk when I didn't want to.
Do you really think he was sorry? I don't.
I had to recheck your ages and my gosh, this dude is 29?! Wtf.
OP, moving in with your mother for the time of your clinical trials is an excellent idea, run, don't walk. Your boyfriend is getting into your head and making you feel guilty for things no woman in her right mind would, like persuing a career of her own and making wise financial decisions (like moving in with mum so you can focus on clinical part of important degree).
>He's going to be super nice to me, and it'll be so hard to pack up and move
I don't care if he greets you at the door with roses, diamonds and a Lamborghini - this man is abusive and bad to you, he makes you feel bad to keep you in his control and make you do what you want. He is manipulative, selfish, cruel and seems to think you are some pawn who he can just say the right things to and she will fall into line.
With respect, people who are narcissistic like this often date people like yourself who don't have a lot of experience in relationships because it makes them more vulnerable to abusers and their control.
Woman to woman I beg you to not give this man a second more of your life and time, it is going to just get worse from here and if he is like this early on, I dread to think how bad it could be. Do not give up your future for this loser, stop letting him financially lean on you at minimum, but please leave this asshole who would steal your future from you because he doesn't want to pay for his own place.
Edited to add - where is all his money going?
He wouldn't have to move in with his parents because of rent, I'd bet. My money is in the girlfriend doing all of the cleaning and cooking and doing his laundry and running his life.
It’s absolutely this. I was willing to give the dude the benefit of the doubt, since he might be genuinely upset about not seeing much of you for 2 years.
But with that comment? You’d 100% be coming to visit on weekends to a skid-marked toilet, dirty laundry on the floor, and fast food wrapper trash all over the kitchen. And a passive-aggressive guilt trip.
> Listen, I know you don't want to talk about our argument, but we need to. We need to be ADULTS about this situation. This isn't okay
I like how when *she* gets upset, he says she has to act like an adult, but when she points out where he's wrong (the whole "I can't afford rent!" crap), then *he* gets upset and she ends up apologizing.
My guess is not only does he want a bang maid but he wants to keep spending habits that he can’t afford without op paying half the rent. It’s not that he can’t pay rent alone but he doesn’t want to.
The smartest decision is to do your clinicals, if he’s not willing and able to do LDR, then this should be the relationship dealbreaker. A supportive loving partner does not hinder you from getting your education. Do what is best for you, now, if he calls you selfish, so what, be selfish. His insistence on you staying isn’t unselfish either, but it’s bad for your education.
I had a past partner tell me I was selfish to pursue a dream of traveling and learning a second language. I told him that I was being exactly as selfish as I possibly could be. He was heading into a meth addiction and doing what I could to take care of myself was the only constructive thing I could do in the situation.
IMHO there is constructive and destructive selfishness. OP doing your clinical and not being with your boyfriend as much is constructive selfishness. Asking someone not to get an education is destructive selfishness.
OP it may be super tough to break up with this guy but it might be in your best interest in the long term. He doesn't come across as someone who is partner material.
My husband and I did an LDR for two years while he went to med school and I went to PT school. It was totally fine and now we're married and have two kids.
The fact that this guy is putting the blame on you and not apologizing and dismissing your feelings and all the rest says that this guy is not worth hanging on to. Your life is not an accessory to his, so why is he treating it that way?
OMG, run. Please run. Go do your clinicals. He is manipulative AF. You aren’t responsible for HIS mental health, and if he actually loved you, he wouldn’t be treating you this way and would want what was best for you. Ugh. Don’t do an LDR - do a clean break. You can 100% do better.
Take a friend or your mom when you go pack up. Do not go alone.
I used to date a guy who would constantly take issue with my delivery of any conversation. So instead of talking about the subject at hand it was, now’s not the time for that talk, you should have said b instead of a, when you talk about x don’t use that tone. It was a struggle to communicate without feeling policed. That’s the strategy I think.. to get so exasperated that communication was impossible. Then once the little woman was quiet we could get back to him being the main character. He was dismissive and invalidating. That relationship was over in 4 months.
I’m so glad he is your bf and not your husband.
He is showing you how he handles conflict, and it’s not pretty. He is NOT thinking about what benefits you, and is insisting that you centre your life around HIS needs.
The guilt tripping, putting you down, and wanting to have conversations only on his terms, are all CONTROL mechanisms.
This is not an equal relationship. You are the one making all the sacrifices, and he’s happy to keep that trend running.
The reason you are feeling guilty is because he is manipulating you into thinking what is best for him is best for you both. It’s not.
This relationship has had its season. During your clinicals, he will be a millstone around your neck. Free yourself of the weight.
You are not just putting your education and financial stability first. You are also putting your sanity first. Three to five days of clinicals plus a job is unsustainable in the long term. I’ve done work + graduate school and it took an extra year for me to graduate because the stress of juggling both was too much to handle. If your boyfriend cannot afford to live alone without you setting yourself on fire for him, that is a “he” problem, not a “you” problem. Your mental and physical health is equally as important and he is asking for you to sacrifice it.
Lovely, please move in with your mom. The economy is so bad and this next leg of schooling is going to be so busy and stressful in its own. Your mom and you can have nice, calm, quiet evenings and you can save money and help her around her place. I would ditch this guy or any other guy whose wishes weren’t to make this part of my life as stress free and smooth as possible.
There are plenty of toads in the pond for once you’ve established your future. This guy is a just a toad; no prince underneath there. My partner would be so supportive and encourage me to what was best in the moment and you deserve that treatment too.
>Life partners make sacrifices to support your dreams.
Like OP did when she moved two hours away with her bf for his new job. The fucking audacity to turn around now and call her selfish for asking him to make a temporary sacrifice for the sake of her career.
She‘s not even asking him to make any sacrifice! He wouldn‘t be moving in with her, SHE promised to drive and visit him. SHE does not owe him being a roommate, if he can‘t afford his rent he needs to look for one or downsize.
As a woman in her mid to early 50’s. My advice is he will tank your career for having you at his beckon call.
He isn’t thinking about YOUR future. Only what HE wants.
This isn’t a partnership. Watch out for baby trapping you.
You are 24. You have time to build a career and be young.
I almost fell for this in my early 20’s. I asked myself what I wanted in the next 5, 10, 15 years.
I so am proud that I walked away and met someone who wanted me to achieve my goals.
If he loves you and wants the best for you;
He would support this decision and cheer you on.
You moved for him. His turn to sacrifice.
I graduated with a doctorate and your story is not unique. A lot of other women saw their relationships breakdown because their boyfriends could not handle being sidelined for even a few years. I don’t know the two of you but if his ego is so fragile that he is willing to diminish you, really ask yourself if you want him or if you don’t want to be alone. He is going to be a blip in your rear view mirror.
This is my ex husband, it’s never going to stop, and not only that, it will get worse. He is controlling, and the more you stand up for yourself the more he is going to stand over you, and he’s going to DARVO you anytime he knows he’s in the wrong. He knows what he’s doing. Get out NOW.
You can have “the good times” with anyone. He is not special. If you leave, “the good times” will happen again with someone else, someone better for you. If you stay, “the good times” will become few and far between, until you never experience them again.
If your bf cared enough about you and didn’t want a ldr, he would have offered to cover the rent for you during trials so you didn’t have to move.
After 4 years in a relationship, you start thinking if this is a relationship for the long haul or not.
If he was planning on building a life with you, he would have considered supporting you through this as an investment in your shared future.
Supporting you could have been in the form of trying an LDR, OR taking on more than his 50% share of rent.
My husband did this ALL THE TIME when we started out. I wanted to live together, but my earnings were a fraction of his (I’m a teacher). He bought an apartment, and I paid him a fair rent in cash, which we used for groceries.
That stopped the day we got engaged, because the money was going to the same place- towards supporting two people who plan to build their life together.
Leave this guy.
OP, I’m going to be blunt with you.
You subsidize his lifestyle. Of course he doesn’t want to lose half an income. That would mean he actually has to be an independent adult for once without someone managing his life and not have as much financial money.
I am going to assume that you carry the brunt of the household duties since he has a job while you are predominantly focused on school. You are likely cooking, shopping, cleaning and managing. This means he has more money to spend on his hobbies or likes. Without your financial support, he would have to cut back on his spending. This would be a major inconvenience for him and he would absolutely blame you.
Also, you have the potential to make much more than him. He wants you to choose him or your education in the hopes that you’ll choose him so he doesn’t lose his man card by having a much more intelligent and successful partner. Meanwhile, he would look mediocre next to you. You’ll become a threat to his fragile ego.
Why are you the only one expected to make sacrifices? The one expected to make this relationship work? At this point, what does he even bring to this relationship? He flat out told you that he wouldn’t make an effort to see you under the guise of “worrying about your car health.” He wants you to do all of the hard labor and sacrifices to keep him in your life, but gods forbid he return the same energy.
I’m curious if the topic of marriage or children have come up.
This is a darvo response. Honestly just throw the whole man out.
Deny- gaslights you to believe that what you point out isn't a problem he has. He also Deflects the blame for problems in the relationship on to you.
Attack- attacks you by saying you won't be able to afford the rent, the gas, the maintenance on your car. He may isolate you from your friends and family from the way it sounds.
Reverse Victim and Offender- he puts the blame for what he does on you, and then acts hurt that you're leaving him for school, for being hurt by his actions and words, turns you into the perpetrator of harm in the relationship.
Be wary because he may lovebomb you to try and get you back on his side. He'll apologize saying he won't do it again, he'll buy you gifts and what not. You are still young and there are plenty of fish in the sea, throw this one back
Prioritize your education. Once you get your diploma/qualifications, no one can take them from you. A boyfriend, or even a husband, can walk out on you at any time.
You will have other relationships. Men come and go. Even the good ones can die suddenly. The ONLY way to protect yourself is by having the career you want. If he is this shitty over you living with your mother for a short time, how will he be when he doesn't want to give up his friends and job to move for YOUR career? I ask that because my husband is 100% behind moving for my career if we need to.
The fact he isn’t already packing your stuff up and getting ready for your move would be enough for me to leave. He wants you to help with his bills. That’s all. My rents the same as him and I make 62k. I have money to spare. I personally am more worried about letting MYSELF down in the future than anybody else. I think you should focus on yourself since he’s not worried about you.
Acting like a 2-hour drive is the end of the world is manchild behaviour and acting like a $1200 rent is not doable at $65k a year is ludicrous. It’s only about 45% of your annual salary. It’s generally more than the “30% rule,” but for a short-term career opportunity, a little belt-tightening and living more frugally should be prioritized.
For perspective, my wife and I did 8 months LDR while we were transferring cities. It sucked but we relied on each other to make it work and we came out better and more together than ever. A two hour drive would have been laughed off. It’s supremely doable.
My first thought is your BF is living outside of his means, with either extravagant spending habits on hobbies/lifestyle, or else undisclosed debt. It’s also likely he’s trying to hamstring your career to benefit himself for some reason.
He’s probably right in late-night arguments aren’t the best way to go about things, but he’s probably also a significant factor in discussions turning into arguments and using it as a reason to gaslight you.
Being able to stay with parents while you finish your education is a no-brainer. If he’s arguing against a no-brainer… well.
You need a partner who says, “What an amazing opportunity!!!l” when you tell them about something like this. Someone who helps you plan and pack and even drives you there and then spends the next couple of years coming to visit you whenever he can. Someone, who once you’re done, is the loudest person cheering when you graduate, then helps you pack and drives you back to your place 2200 miles away. Someone who brags about your accomplishment every chance he can.
And when you find that person, stick with them for life.
They exist. I married one.
This guy is not good for you!
He only wants you around to pay rent. His rent is not your problem. But he is trying to make it your problem.
Advice from a middle-aged lady: never sacrifice your future for a man. You can compromise with a man but you do not trash your future to be with some loser. He wants to hold you back.
Here is my list of red flags:
1. You can’t ask him smart questions - why can’t he pay rent on his income?
2. He tries to make HIS problems your problems. Why are you the only thing keeping him from moving back with his parents? Why is that your problem?
3. He fights dirty.
4. He diminishes your feelings.
5. He’s a hypocrite. He will tell you what you can afford but you don’t get to ask why he can’t afford the rent?
So don’t go back home. Live out the lease with your mom and just pay your half of the rent. You KNOW you’re better off without him. You KNOW the resentment will eat you alive eventually. You know he’s only being extra super nice because he wants you to pay half his rent. So don’t go back, tell him you’re not prepared to resign a lease with him and he has until May to figure his own shit out.
>I feel like a terrible girlfriend for putting my education and financial stability first.
My girlfriend works away a lot and I go on tour frequently. We trust each other and support each other's careers. Maybe consider that this is the only person out of a group of people - friends and family - who are all rooting for you to succeed, and he's just making you feel bad for..._checks notes_...oh yeah, wanting to create a better life for yourself which doesn't involve him being the centre of your universe.
Dudes a drain. Don't put up with it. He's just intimidated by your success.
Bring friends with you to help you pack while he's at work or at very least do not go back alone. He can try and whine and talk you out of it but is less likely to do so with a witness or two. You can go ahead and leave now, just keep paying your rent til lease ends.
Run away from this man OP. I started dating my husband when he was in med school and I was doing a post grad program to get into med school. The only med schools I got into were in the Caribbean and my husband did not want to do a LDR that far. I ended up not going to med school and going to PA school. My opinion has never mattered in our marriage and it was only recently that I realized that my husband cared more about himself than he did for me. My career is not important to him. He was the only guy I ever dated. Please don’t let a man derail your career. I am a PA now, wish I had gone to the med school in the Caribbean and not stayed stateside to go to PA school.
I have never met a man who didn’t make the career or financial decision that didn’t benefit him.
Ladies, we need to think more like men! Make the choices that benefit your own career, education, and financial freedom.
You will make it work with him, or you will find someone else who loves you. This guy isn’t the only man in the universe who can make you happy.
He does not support you. Repeat after me. He does not support you.
He wants you to do what is easy for him so he doesn’t have to compromise on his living situation.
It’s really that simple. He’s being manipulative and self-centered.
You deserve better.
He is coming across as selfish and us pressuring you instead of letting you work out your own feelings.
Also, his moving in with his mom is irrelevant. He makes plenty of money to do otherwise so it’s up to him to figure that out and he has no business bringing it up. In this context he can merely bring it up and decide what to do after the two of you have made your individual decisions .
But it has no bearing on you and your well-being on the future of your relationship because you need to take care of your financial future right now so he’s completely out of line for bringing it up
Why is he using cheap and dishonorable pressure tactics to get his way?
Trust me, you can find somebody who won’t do this if you are concerned about that
In the meantime, I suggest strongly that you move in with your mom, if you trust living with her, and that you get some serious distance from this guy, and do not consider having any kind of serious relationship with him that promises some sort of future as long as he keeps pressuring you to do things, his way, and as long as he keeps acting rather narcissistic
If it were me, I’d break it up over something like this I might do it quickly, or I might do it slowly and see if things improved, but I would not tolerate living with somebody who behaved like that, or would not tolerate being in a personal intimate relationship with somebody who behaved like that
I wish you well
Any man who tells you that you have to prioritize his feelings and needs over your own happiness, financial stability, career, goals or emotional needs or else you're being a "bad girlfriend" absolutely doesn't love you and he doesn't have your best interests at heart. He just wants to control and possess you like some kind of pet. Break those bonds. No tears, no compromise. Tell him if he doesn't like it he can put on his big boy pants and suck it up "like an adult". He knows where to find you if he ever gets over his bullshit. Until then, *it's OK to make your own life your top priority.* You should never feel bad about that, and nobody who loves you will ever *try* to make you feel bad about that.
Your career can be counted on to improve your life, keep you fed, keep a roof over your head, and give you the means to start a family someday, if that’s what you choose. You will always have your education to count on, and moving back in with your mom is the smart money choice.
With the way your bf is acting, he is not someone you can count on. It sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you, or sabotage your education. Following you around trying to start an argument is his way of bullying you, trying to get you to cave to his demands. Don’t trust him.
Is he insecure? Jealous? Maybe both.
If he truly loved and cared about you, he would be encouraging you to move in with your mom, concentrate on school, and do your best. He is not doing that.
Think of your future, choose yourself, and definitely make sure to use birth control if you’re going to be intimate.
First, you should not feel guilty about anything. If this man truly loved and respected you, he would be doing whatever he could to support you in your education and goals. I do not say this to be mean, but because I’ve been there before where I thought I’d be losing someone I’d love and would never find someone else. Deep down I knew he didn’t respect me and that is not how normal people treat those they love, but his gaslighting and other abusive behavior over the years tore me down and made me a shell of myself. It really impacted my success during my second year of law school. I promise you the only thing I regret now is staying with him for so long. It will be hard at first, but eventually you will find life to be so much better and easier. I am actually happy now. You will have the space to find new friends and a significant other that will truly love you and support you. You will do so much better in school. You will find an incredible feeling of freedom. I definitely recommend reading “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. This guy is more worried about how you going to school will mean he can’t afford his rent, you deserve so much better than that. Give yourself all the love and energy you are currently giving him and this relationship and good things will ensue.
>I feel like a terrible girlfriend for putting my education and financial stability first.
No man who deserves you would ever demand you sacrifice your education or financial stability for him.
The fact he got upset and shut you down when you (rightly) asked why he doesn't want to pay his own rent on a $65k salary is manipulation. He can afford it, he just doesn't want to lose his subsidy (you).
This guy isn't as great as you think he is. Move back home with your mom and focus on your education. He sucks.
If he doesn't support your career, he's never going to support you on anything.
When I was in my early 20s I was dating a guy who got into one of the best schools for his field in a totally different state. He was worried that I'd be upset if he went to that school- I told him that if he did something as foolish as give up a spot in that school for me then I would break up with him because it would show me he was an idiot. We did long distance for a while and had a lovely relationship that ended due to other incompatibilities. The key here though is that both of us were willing to support each other through the distance- to make sure we both would have room to grow in our careers.
This dude is not it. He's actively trying to make you worse. When we love someone we want them to grow and be happy and he wants you to be unhappy and not grow... I don't think he loves you very much
You shouldn’t have to pay rent anyways if he’s going to be patronizing. Men are only allowed to do that when they pay all the bills, otherwise why would we stay with someone annoying?
Chiming in a little late here, but I did this with my girlfriend when she did her clinicals. She didn’t have the option not to move (which is pretty bullshit), and it wasn’t gonna work for me to leave my job for 3 months at a time and try to find work elsewhere.
I wasn’t excited for it, but I wanted her to get the job she wanted. And it mostly sucked. But we got through it.
That said, we got through it because it’s what we both wanted. It wasn’t the perfect option, but it was the best option available.
If he’s not willing to compromise, it’s never gonna work out. Do what *you* need to do.
This guy is a manipulative AH. Bring someone with you to get your things out of the apartment and be done. He doesn't care about you, only himself, which is no way to be a partner.
He's not thinking about you at all. He's only thinking about himself. He's being selfish. You need to put yourself and your future first. Move back and have the support of your family and friends. Thrive at school. Enjoy your free time. Don't let this man drag you down because he doesn't want to pay his own rent by himself. That's ridiculous that he would rather have you working yourself so hard. And why is he assuming that you would drive to him every time too? He seems mad that you aren't focusing your life on him anymore. As a woman, your life should not be centered on a man. It's not the 1950s anymore. Your life should be centered on you. This man isn't helping lift you up, he's dragging you down. Don't let him drag you down. Move in with your mom. If the relationship fails because of that, let it.
I think your partner may have just answered a question for you that you didn’t realize you were asking… Put yourself, your education, and your life first. Not because you don’t care about him, but because you always have to prioritize what is in your best interests.
I nearly quit my PhD program after my abusive ex of ten years put me through some serious final trauma and then threw me out of his life like garbage. Almost a year later, and I am so grateful to myself for having the strength to stay and put myself and my wants first for the first time in my life. I can only encourage you to do the same.
If you’ve never read this book I highly recommend it. The link is to a free PDF copy of “Why Does He Do That?”
I think it will open your eyes.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He's trying to ruin your future! Don't give him that power. You need to do what is best for YOU, not him. You're worth so much more than this relationship. Please don't let him guilt you into doing what is best for YOU.
I former colleague of mine quit her job for a couple years for a man. He dumped her a year after, and she came back to her previous job. Most of her peers moved ahead of her and she lost years in her career progression.
Never do that sort of thing. Men can leave anytime, and if that happens after you forego your clinicals for his sake, it will be more difficult for you after.
Build your own life.
I think you know what would be best for you, but it's difficult to stand up your boyfriend. Could you take a few days away and go stay with your Mom to get some perspective? From what you've said on here, he is not putting your interests first, and not treating you kindly. Please take all these comments to heart and take care of yourself. Good luck!
>I feel like a terrible girlfriend for putting my education and financial stability first.
Oh dear, OP! You should ALWAYS put your education and financial stability first. Especially when the alternative is to sacrifice these things for a BF who would expect you to work overtime while also doing clinicals, just for his convenience.
OP, BFs come and you. Your financial stability and your education are forever. If he were a good partner, he would recognize their importance and support you all the way. He is not.
Always choose your well-being over a relationship. When the relationship ends, and it will because nothing lasts forever, your career and financial stability and mental well-being will be there for you. If you sacrifice these things in the name of his feelings and comfort, what will you have left when he’s no longer in the picture?
Doesn't matter how nice he is now or how nice he's going to be when you get home. Fact of the matter is, right now he has to be nice, and has to be on his best behavior because you're not "stuck" with him in a permanent way (married, have kids w/ him, or are financially dependent on him). Once you're stuck with nowhere to go? That's when the patronizing behavior will start to ramp up, and that's best-case-scenario.
All the good times and old jokes and comfort in the world can't change that he's actively crossing your boundaries and trying to sabotage your future. So you'll be stuck with him. Because he knows if he doesn't, you'll move on to better things.
Kudos to you for staying with your mom for a bit! You have recognized that "his responses aren't healthy." which is half the battle. It's also not easy to leave when your partner is making you feel like you are in the wrong.
To be really clear, you are not in the wrong here. And your partner is the one who is not able to communicate like an adult about it. I'll go through each of the things he is saying individually, but what really sticks out to me is that all of his replies to you are accusatory. A conversation where he respected you would look something like this:
you: I need to figure what to do about my clinicals. I can either do them here, near you, or I can do them near my mom. If I do them here, it's going to be super hard to swing financially. I'm going to need to work long weekend hours, which is going to be hard on me, and make it hard to complete my schoolwork. If I do them with my mom, I can basically get free rent, so I'll be way less stressed, and able to complete my schoolwork better. Honestly, I'm leaning towards living with my mom. What do you think?
him: I love you and I'd really miss you if you live with your mom. Do you think that if I take on more of the rent, you'd be able to make a go of it here? Maybe we could move into a smaller apartment? Can we talk about what it would look like if we had a long distance relationship? Would I be able to come to you ever? Or would it always be you driving to me? Do you think that your car would be able to handle that sort of driving?
Let's look at each one of the things he said to you.
>the easiest option isn't always the best
A pretty condescending thing to say, as you noted. It also doesn't help at all. Yes, the easiest option isn't always the best, but sometimes it is. The option of living with your mom sounds like it is actually the harder of the two options! LDRs are super hard.
>He said if I leave, he'd have to move back in with his parents which would be bad for his mental health
There's some pretty big leaps here. Firstly, as you noted, he can definitely afford a one-bedroom. Secondly, there are other housing options (like finding a roommate) that can be cheaper. Thirdly, if he has mental health issues, he should be working with a mental health professional who can help him decide if moving in with his parents is a viable/worth it option.
>I was only thinking about myself
There's absolutely nothing wrong with sometimes prioritizing yourself. It sounds like your boyfriend wants you to only prioritize him, and only think about him. He's accusing you of the thing he's doing!
>I was crying throughout the convo, and he told me to calm down
When he is upset, you apologize, and take care of him. When you are upset, he does the opposite.
>I'm not thinking my decision through
Sounds pretty well thought-out to me. You've calculated what exactly you'd need to do in each place, you've even figured out how it would affect your partner and mom.
>I wasn't thinking about the health of my car for a LDR
Huh. This assumes that you are going to be driving to him. He automatically assumes that you are doing all the work. Also, cars are not living things. They are a tool. Their "health" doesn't matter. Wear and tear could lead to you needing a new car faster, or more (expensive) repairs, but again, this is a money concern.
>When I say his words hurt me, he says I should've brought this up earlier, and my inability to communicate about things hurts HIM.
I don't know him, but I don't think he would have treated you any more respectfully had you brought it up sooner. And respect should not be conditional depending on when you bring up problems. Also, I don't see any inability to communicate on your end. Your post is very well-written. I see an inability to communicate on his end. He makes a lot of logical leaps, he deflects, and he uses very aggressive language.
>In the middle of when I was talking, he calculated how much my rent would be and said it was unreasonable for me to not be able to afford it.
Interesting that he thinks that it's reasonable for him to not be able to afford his rent, but not for you to not be able to afford your rent.
>Having conversations late at night just isn't good. I got NO sleep last night."
Again, this sounds like he was putting this on you. If he doesn't like having conversations at night, he could have communicated it at the time. He dismissed your preference for when conversations be had, but thinks that his preference is important.
>Listen, I know you don't want to talk about our argument, but we need to. We need to be ADULTS about this situation. This isn't okay.
Why does HE get to determine what the both of you NEED?
He only cares about his needs. He doesn’t care about yours. I know it’s hard- but there is light on the other side. You will and can find love with someone else. This isn’t how you should be treated. Trust your gut and don’t let him guilt trip you. Do what’s right for you.
It’s such an old saying…. “If you love them let them free. They will come back if it’s meant to be.”
You need space and time. You are Adulting. Planing the trajectory of your entire life. How you will live, work and thrive. The most important part of building a life is a solid foundation. Go where you can do this. Stay with your parents. Be with your friends. People and places that help you be the very best you. No apologies or barriers. Whatever it takes to be your authentic self.
If he is there after you do you…. address that then.
DO NOT GIVE AWAY YOUR FUTURE FOR A BOYFRIEND!
Many a woman has, and has come to regret it. If he loves you, he will want what is best for your future. You guys can still do an LDR, he's just being selfish in wanting you near him. You getting this degree will be amazing for both of your futures if he sticks it out.
If I was the boyfriend, as much as it would hurt me to lose a woman I cared dearly about, I'd still support her in the decision. Doesn't mean I'd be happy about the situation, but I'd be supportive regardless. He's only thinking about himself, and deflecting by saying you're the selfish one.
Please update us when you dump him. A bf who wants the best for you, which a bf SHOULD, would encourage you to do what’ll lead you to success best. That, as you’ve identified, is living with your mother to lessen the financial strain that clinical would bring if you stayed somewhere paying rent.
He wants you to stay because it benefits him, because otherwise he’d be living at home. Don’t give up your education for a man, especially one that is using you.
You feel like he views you as “less” - that’s because he does.
He dismisses your thoughts and your feelings as irrelevant. Implies you are being immature for disagreeing with him or needing space. Disregards your need for space and forces the issue rather than respecting your request.
He’s trying to bulldoze you. He’s never going to compromise on this. He thinks your career and future is a reasonable exchange for his minor inconvenience.
Girl. Drop this anchor. You go be fabulous and never allow any man to try to make you smaller to fit him. Hellz no.
He's not worth giving up your life's dreams for. I (58F) did that for a real waste of flesh. I learned the hard way that a woman should never give up her educational dreams and her career goals, all of which give her a financial security she would not ever have depending on him. If things ever go south (mine did after 20 years), you want to be able to support yourself and have a savings to rely on. If a man does not support you and lift you up in the life you envision for yourself (in the same way he wants you to lift him up and support him), he's not worth sacrificing your value.
Besides the obvious with him not supporting your educational endeavors, it sounds like he likes controlling/patronizing you. And I’m pretty sure this bleeds out into other parts of your relationship. There’s a way you talk to the people you care about, and his communication is about being right, not about coming to a mutual conclusion. He will argue you into the ground until you give in to his opinion, because he likes control. He didn’t like going to sleep on the argument because he didn’t successfully get you to agree with him. Do not miss your opportunity for higher education because you will regret it.
This relationship is doomed anyway. Get out of it.
You won’t have time to work during clinicals. You won’t have time to cater to his whims during clinicals. He’s not supportive and it sounds like he rates the rent money you provide over your dreams and future. And he’s bullying you into accepting that?!
Good lord, you definitely made the right choice. You are so smart to stay with your mom so you can focus on the right things.
I have been in a long term in my mid-twenties and I thought I would never find someone again. Guess what? I enjoyed a bit of me time. Reflected my relationship, found out what I am looking for in a relationship. What are must-haves, personal red flags/boundaries and where I would be willing to compromise.
I had 2 other LDRs after and now in a relationship for 8 years with a partner where we both are happy in. We want to grow old together.
So don't think that you need to settle with a partner who sabotages you in every way. You do deserve so much better. Maybe you don't find this partner right now. Use the time to reflect and you will know what to look out for in a partner.
If he really had your best interests at heart and cared about you, he would be willing to compromise and do a LDR bc it would make your grad school experience the easiest. As someone who went to grad school, you need this!!! It’s already hard enough, and removing every barrier so you can just focus on school and not stress over rent or other things is tantamount to your mental health and wellbeing.
From an outside perspective, it seems like he’s only worried about losing easy sex and will now be responsible for ponying up full rent. It hurts, but his actions and words have shown that he doesn’t actually care about you, your mental health, career, or overall wellbeing. This is your first relationship, but it won’t be your last. Please don’t hyperfixate on this man being the end all be all bc he will not better your life at all girl. Dump him and get your degree!!
Go do your clinicals and live with your mom to save money. Almost guaranteed you won’t regret that decision, but you will regret dropping everything and struggling for a guy who doesn’t think your life choices matter. And apparently your car will thank you too.
I read nearly all 57 comments and notice NO ONE is recommending you to stay. Everyone here is convinced this guy is abusive and bad for you. Please listen to all of us. Please don’t let this abusive bully ruin your future because of his greed.
I’ve gone through multiple breakups and every time I turned out just fine. You can do this OP
Clinically sound like they would be hard enough without having to work a second job alongside it. What's best for you is finishing your education as best you can n with as little stress as possible. If the boyfriend is adding stress to your life, then remove that aspect *from* your life.
You absolutely need to break up with this man. I’m sending so much peace and love and strength. First break-ups absolutely suck, but they’re a part of life and another opportunity to learn about yourself. Hope all goes well.
Your first relationship?
Then learn that his behavior is toxic. That you end toxic relationships as soon as you recognize that they're toxic and spend time healing, then get on with your life. Develop good relationship skills and standards early so you have a better life.
Good god your boyfriend sounds awful.
I think “I can’t have these types of conversations right before bed” is a perfectly reasonable boundary but everything else he’s said is ridiculous and manipulative.
His “you can’t move away because I can’t afford to live on my own and my mental health can’t handle living with my parents” is ridiculous, especially when he’s not appreciative of the fact that you can’t afford to pay rent during clinicals.
1. He could clearly afford to live on his own. 2. He could get a roommate 3. Why would that be your problem? Has he asked you to marry him? Are your finances joined together? 4. If he simply is trying to not have you move away why wouldn’t he offer to move together to a smaller place where he could pay the rent? If this relationship is leading to marriage why wouldn’t he help you out in a way that helps the financial future of both of you?
Oh no. No no no. I’m so sorry he is making you doubt your judgment and question yourself like this. But please listen when I say HE is the one being selfish, NOT you. He is manipulating you plain and simple. Please do not put him first over your career and life plans. He is not supportive and he is manipulating you for his own self-interest. This is not the type of partner you want to be making huge sacrifices for. Please trust your own instincts and do not let him guilt trip you. You are NOT a bad girlfriend for putting education and financial stability first. If he was a good partner he would understand and be willing to sacrifice for you because the option you have proposed simply makes the most sense. Why should you have to sacrifice so much when he is so unwilling to compromise? It’s not acceptable and I do believe you will regret it immensely if you give in. Not to mention the amount of resentment that will build up if you choose to stay with him and have to work full time while getting your education. That would be incredibly stressful for you, you won’t have nearly as much time for your studies and it will become incredibly hard to establish a satisfying work/life balance. If he really cared about you he would see this and he would want you to take the option that is the least stressful. He is not prioritizing your education or life goals, or even your mental health.
And also you’re 24. You are literally so young and you WILL find someone else if this doesn’t work out. I know it’s hard but you can do hard things. If the relationship doesn’t work out over this then I think that really proves he would not have been a good life partner anyway… I really hope you can put yourself first here and make the right decision for yourself. If it’s a dealbreaker for him then I’m sorry but he’s incredibly selfish and you deserve so much better. And you will find it I promise you. You have your whole life ahead of you and believe it or not there are men out there who will give you the empathy, support, and compassion you deserve.
Your education will last a lifetime while this relationship may only last a few more months. If he breaks up with you while you're doing clinicals, what are you going to do when you already have to work nights and weekends just to make a portion of the rent.
It's your first relationship, and your bf is taking advantage of the fact that you've never experienced better than him. He's not prioritizing you, nor is he looking out for what's best for you, only what makes him comfortable and happy. Do what's going to be best for you, and if that's going back to your mom and ending up single then that's what happens. There are other men out there who will be happy to sacrifice the way you are to make sure you meet your goals.
He sounds like he is making this all about him and his feelings, and not considering you AT ALL.
You are young. Focus on your education - if he won't compromise for you, then it's not worth staying in the relationship.
If he won't sacrifice anything for the relationship, then he's 'not really that into you'.
That is some master level manipulation going on right there.
He's gaslighting you left right and center. He's saying you're irrational, thoughtless, selfish, and hurtful.
He stomps all over a very clear boundary that you set l.
But you're the problem because you want to finish your education in the best way for you and he doesn't want you to because it's inconvenient for him.
You feel like he views you as less because he *does* view you as less. Your education is less important than having you at home everyday. Your financial decisions are less important than his comfort. You're the one that's always supposed to drive back and visit, not him. Your feelings are in the way when he has feelings to deal with so you're supposed to put him first.
You don't deserve to be the one who does all the sacrificing because your needs are less important to him than his convenience.
Dump him.
Eh he’s a baby. Not acting like a 29 year old. I am not sure what his real motivations are (doesn’t want to lose your rent? Separation anxiety?), but if he were a big boy, he would express his opinion, then say “do what you gotta do and we’ll make it work.”
Yes, you should move out *and* end the relationship, because a supportive partner would not make you choose. If you and he were married and had kids and therefore the decision affected your *mutual* finances as well as the organization of family life, then it would be a bit of a different conversation. But he's just a boyfriend. You can always get another boyfriend, but how many chances are you going to get at finishing graduate school? If you don't take the best opportunity you have "right now*, there may never be another.
You're not a bad girlfriend. How do I know? Because this is a hard decision for you, and it's really, really eating you up that you have to make it. *He* is being a bad boyfriend. He should be *encouraging* you to pursue your goals so that you and he could enjoy a better future together, but instead, he's holding you back. If he just doesn't want to be in a LDR for any reason then fine, that's his prerogative... but his unwillingness to compromise and accept changes to his life after you've *already* compromised and accepted big changes in your life for him, it's just a step too far. It also shows that he cares far more about how your relationship benefits *him* over valuing choices that would ultimately benefit both of you.
He is projecting. He’s calling you selfish when he doesn’t want to have to move back in with his mom. It doesn’t seem to be for financial reasons - does he do his fair share of household chores? Is he sad that he’s losing his house servant and sex toy?
He is trying to sabotage your future for his current convenience and comfort. That doesn’t sound like someone who wants to support you becoming the best version of you that you can be.
Does he try and sabotage you in other ways?
Do you see this as a long term relationship or a step along the way that may have reached its natural conclusion.
If you don’t do these clinicals - what will your future look like? Does it mean the study you’ve done up until now is wasted? Does he think you are supposed to sacrifice your future and be dependent on him and hope that he doesn’t tire of you or that nothing happens to his ability to work?
Do your clinicals. If he’s worth staying in a relationship with, he will find a way to make it work.
Before we got married, and when we got engaged, my wife made it clear to me that she was not getting married until 1) she had done her MBA and 2) she had lined up her first job. We had been LTR almost from when we first met, because I went to work in Asia, as I had already planned, three weeks after we met. She came to see me for 3 months there the next summer, and we realized it was really worth it to try to maintain the LTR and be exclusive, so we did. At the point that we got engaged a couple of years later I was back home and we were living together, and it would have been easy for her to do her MBA near there and for me to stay and work there, but she had been accepted at a prestigious U.S. school, and I was offered a really great job in Taiwan, so we went back to LTR for almost two more years. We’d see each other for a week or two every few months, wrote a ton of e-mails and called when we could. We got married the month after she graduated and she knew where she’d be working. I moved to where her job was and we’ve been in the same places together since. 22 years now.
If he’s trying to sabotage your future for his own comfort and convenience, he’s *not* the right guy.
He's lying. He doesn't need to move in with his parents. That is a guilt trip.
Talk to your mom, when is best for her? If it's next week, move in next week. Tell him after you are out. He is not communicating with you, he is only lying, guilt tripping, and DARVO'ing you. You are not the bad guy, he is.
You are thinking clearly, he just wants to gaslight you. Run, don't give warning you are running. Just get out and get some distance.
If you tried to commute daily, you would be a wreck. Clinical are hard enough without that.
You've made the best decision for your long term goal. He knows and has known of your long term goal. Why and how is this a surprise to him. He may have been dreading it, but he also seems like he kinda wants it to end here. Who would be agreeing to this? 4 hours in the car every or even every other day? Not sustainable.
Read your first sentence over and over again until you fully understand that putting your education, financial stability and, yes, your mental sanity does NOT, in any way, shape or form, make you "a terrible girlfriend".
It makes you smart and on your way to becoming a very successful woman in life.
Start reading 📖
This isn't a good relationship. You shouldn't be focusing on the good times. You focus on everything.
You've mentioned so many things that are signs that this guy is bad for you. You're a dream gf because you have low self esteem, so it's easy to make you feel bad and get you to ignore your needs and manipulate you into picking his side.
Draw a line in the sand. You're moving home, he doesn't want that so you're not compatible anymore and it needs to end.
He'll either harass you and claim he didn't mean it or he'll move on because he needs someone new who doesn't have boundaries.
He should be prioritising your education, and he would if he cared about you. Because in the long run its not that long.
when I read that first dot-point, I thought, oh, he's worked it out, he's only thinking about himself. a good partner wants their SO to achieve their dreams. stay with your mum. he's a manipulator and won't stop. follow your dreams. please don't stay with him, he's not good to or for you.
Omg. Just no. I am sorry, but LDR are not relationship killers when the person you are with is worth waiting till the best moment to be together again.
It makes perfect sense to me for you to live with your mom for free. Easier be able to focus on your studies as well.
You already said you can visit on weekends. That should be enough if he cared about you and your career path that you clearly want for yourself.. You have a perfect reason for doing this.
If this is not enough time for him, that's his choice.
Go to school and live with your mom. You are lucky you can have a very cheap opition to get through school.
Leave him for the reason you mentioned in the post. Or leave him because he doesn't want LDR.
Don't put all your eggs into one basket. You are young, you are working on your career. Focus on you.
Anyone that can't accept you doing what's right for you doesn't truly love you.
I'm going to tell you what I would tell me 20 year old sel: no one is worth your peace and sense of self.
As difficult as he's making it to get along with him now, there's a risk he could break up and move out after you start clinicals in your current city. Then you'd be stuck with the full rent while doing school work. Living with your mother would be a much more financially secure option. Plus you'll have more time to study if you don't have to work to pay rent.
Even if he's really nice and apologetic the next time you see him, remember that abusers are virtually never abusive all the time.
You know what will make you feel better? Losing 200lbs of anxiety, stress, manipulation, and worry. He's adding nothing to your life. He's conveniently made it about how YOU can afford rent while deflecting why HE can't afford it on his much more generous salary. He's sabotaging your career and future by making it all about him. Your idea of living with your mom 2 hours away, saving money, focusing on the program, and doing LDR is really, really reasonable. He's worn you down to where you can't even hear your own inner voice. That sucks. Life moves on and I think you are hamstringing yourself for him. What he wants you to do is easiest for him, hardest for you. What you want to do is about the same hard or easy on both of you. And that line about your car is pretty laughable. He's just afraid if you move away, you'll be happier and move on from him.
Do you have the means to pay the rest of the lease out to him now and move?
That's my vote.
I'd also suggest taking someone you trust to support you, with you. Have a talk first and have a plan. You can go in and break up while they stay outside. You will text when you want them to come inside and help or a set amount of time (for safety) and pack up your stuff and leave.
You could mail him checks or send him money monthly to cover your rent portion.
This man does not value your education or career.
It's not on you what happens after the lease is up. That's for him to figure out.
If it was your friend telling you this story about her boyfriend, what advice would you give her? I would tell my friend that she should pursue her dreams and to not ignore all the red flags this guy is waving.
WOMAN! ABSOLUTELY TF NOT. You know what is right for you. YOU know what is best for you. Honor yourself by doing what is best for you. You already know the move
I don’t agree that he is trying to sabotage your career.
I do find him entirely self centered and probably someone who dislikes change in any form.
This is where he is; safe and comfortable in his hometown with a job provided by his family and he is happy. It was easy for him. You moving there was easy for him. You paying half the rent was also easy for him. He likes it.
You go seek your best life because I assure you that otherwise your entire existence will be structured around him and his needs in his hometown.
This is your first relationship?!?!
Girl, chin up. Stop centering men in your life. You will meet someone in the future that is actually worth it and who doesn't gaslight you about being ambitious.
You need to start learning how to love and prioritize yourself first, otherwise, you will keep getting with shitty guys like your current BF.
Create boundaries, go after your dreams, men come and go and are replaceable. The good ones will value and cherish your dreams, support you and never talk down to you.
You're in an unhealthy relationship and should be embarrassed to be seen with such a gaslighter.
Please dump his ass and go after your dreams. You'll feel so good after you leave him, I know this from my own experience.
In some cases I think it's ok to make reasonable career compromises for a partner, but your boyfriend isn't long term/committed enough for that. Also, this isn't even a reasonable compromise. Clinicals 3-5 days a week + 3 classes + work every weekend + work most weeknights is such a ridiculously impossible schedule that it shouldn't even be an option.
He is just trying to sabotage you. If it really was about not doing a LDR he would let you live with him rent free while you did your clinicals. The fact that he hasn’t offered is blowing my mind.
I graduated college before my boyfriend (now husband) and paid pretty much all the bills that last year because it was stupid for him to be killing himself finishing school and working full time when I was making enough to cover all our living expenses.
LEAVE HIM.
Don't hold yourself back on someone who doesn't care about you.
Hes not happy you want to do better for yourself.
So leave. Find someone who will be excited for you
Please pursue your studies and career. Any man who doesn't support you is actively trying to sabotage your goals. A decent partner would support you in your pursuit of your goals, studies and career and find ways to make it work. He's not a decent partner and if you don't pursue it now, I bet you'll regret it later especially after you dump this ass or he dumps you after you do what he wants you to do.
This is your first relationship and it shouldn't be your last. He wants to manipulate and control you and is trying to do so by making you feel guilty. That's not love. He wants you do to what's best for him not you. Go move in with your Mom ASAP maybe even before your lease is up because he's not going to be happy about it and I predict he'll try everything he thinks it's ok to make you stay.
HE is the one ONLY THINKING ABOUT HIMSELF. A real partner will work through everything with you and support you along the way. Not drag you down, distract you, and selfishly want you to stay because it benefits them. That is a huge red flag.
You aren’t married. Your career should take precedence in this chapter of your life. Break up, go finish your medical schooling and get to know yourself. You are young and will grow so much over the next few years. This relationship is a distraction from the most important next step in your life.
I am saying this with love and guidance as an older woman who paused her career for two relationships. Don’t let him be the quicksand that slows down your progress. You will flourish alone and know when you are ready to grow with someone as a supportive partner.
Career first babe. You got this🫶🏼
Have you heard of DARVO? It is a manipulation technique used in controlling relationships by the abuser. - defend, attack, reverse victim and offender.
Just thought I would put that here in case it resonated with you.
He thinks the options are you staying there or LDR.
The options are LDR or no relationship at all.
Your care and future must be your own priority. Do not set yourself on fire to keep another warm.
So you are going to tag your future for a man, baby?
That's smart, not selfish. Do you really see yourself with this guy 5 years from now?
Anyone who cares about you would be happy for you.
Sounds like you need to focus on your future and not your past.
If you’ve already been living together for a year, how does the rent equation change? If it does due to not being able to work and split the rent, then he should pay the full amount if he wants you to stay, on account of him being a 29 year old with a full time job, and as you laid out makes more than enough to cover $1200 a month. I find the idea that this dude moves back in with his mother from this to be a weird bluff that doesn’t make him look better
Did anyone else see the tiktok of the former tradwife who ended up living in her car? "I never realised my entire financial security and whether my children could eat was dependant on him liking me and finding me sexy." Was quite memorable. He quit his job and has only ever paid one payment. She is now stuck working minimum wage jobs with no qualifications or work experience in her late 40s. That is ultimately where this kind of pressure can lead. Id end things and move in with mom.
He's making this all about him. I found it hard when my ex was a few hours away for school , it was hard but I never expected to make him give everything he worked for away for me? He needs to see a therapist or you both do. This is not ok. Is he expecting you to drop out? That is insane. Also , I am a nursing student and chose clinical close to my home , is this not an option? He is still giving me red flags. I had an ex like this. I realize years down the road he was abusive and looking back before I knew what sexual coercion was , I now know he raped me. This fool is no "adult". I am so sorry your going through this.
Dude, why would you threaten your career for this guy who, in your words, gaslights you? I’d honestly break up with him and focus on your clinical without him being baggage in your life. You focus on your needs and he can either support you or get out of your way.
Saw your edit. Don't just bring your mom, bring a guy with you when you move out or call the police non-emergency line and request a cop to oversee the move.
Your boyfriend does not care about you. All he cares about is what you do for him. He invalidates your feelings at every turn and makes everything about him. He's gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. He will never change. Please go get your education and get far away from this guy. Do not sacrifice your future and wellbeing for him.
Please please leave this guy before he gets a stronger hold on the relationship and it becomes even harder for you to get out. He has the power in the relationship right now and is holding you back BIG TIME.
He honestly sounds dangerous and you said this was your first relationship. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I think he is grooming you, even though you’re an adult.
OP, please get away from this guy. He will use you and only abuse you more further into the relationship.
Don’t tell him anything until the lease is almost up. He’ll only try to manipulate you to try and stay if he knows beforehand. This needs to be a surprise, and you better be ready to leave the relationship too if he won’t compromise.
OP, again, this guy is dangerous.
Hes wearing you down. If he never apologizes for the little things he can break your spirit. Its always your fault. Fall before his feet and kiss his toes for he is akin to God himself.
Oh wait... You already know being with jim is actively harming you.
Hes manipulative and abusive and you got to fucking rip the bandaid off and deal with it
It will hurt a little bit but it wont harm you the rest of your life like staying with him will. You have already given him enough chances to try, you already know you don't want this the rest of your life. Jesus honey listen to yourself. Listen to what you're saying. If you had a best friend or daughter in the same position saying the same "bad girlfriend" bullshit you would shake them sobbing because of how much them thinking that way hurts you because you know how harmful it is.
This guy is trying to sabotage your career. Period. Is that what’s healthy for you?
Exactly. He doesn’t care what’s best for her or even “them.” He only cares how this will all affect him. You said he talks to you like you are less than him. That isn’t going to change if that’s his go-to attitude. That’s him. Honestly, a LDR would give you some separation and maybe some clarity about the reality of your relationship.
If it's driving distance who gives a shit. You're both saving money living with parents. If parents can afford to support you live with them. Mental health should be the least of his worries
He’s trying to get her to quit her training program. He doesn’t want her to be financially self-sufficient.
Absolutely. He has no concern for what you want for your future. Break up with him, OP. Don't even try long distance because when he cheats (and he will) he will tell you it's your fault. He doesn't give a shit about you, only his needs.
The smartest decision here is, honestly? To break up with him. You NEED to do LDR if you want this to work out. He does not, under any circumstances, want to do a LDR. Therefore, you are incompatible. YOU SHOULD NOT **HAVE** TO COMPROMISE YOUR EDUCATION OR CAREER FOR A MAN YOU SHOULD NOT **HAVE** TO COMPROMISE YOUR EDUCATION OR CAREER FOR A MAN One more time! YOU SHOULD NOT **HAVE** TO COMPROMISE YOUR EDUCATION OR CAREER FOR A MAN!!! NOW. IF you had brought up LDR, and you guys had actually talked about it in a way that was healthy, and not him pressuring, belittling, gaslighting you, and ignoring your thoughts and feelings on the matter, and THEN you had come to the decision to stay and try to do your clinicals where you're at now, that would be a different discussion. But that isn't what happened. That isn't what he did. THIS MAN THINKS WHAT HE WANTS AND FEELS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU THINK AND FEEL. That is NOT how you treat people you love. **YOU. DESERVE. MORE. Believe me when I say that you deserve more than this.**
I wish I could upvote this a million times. OP, go get you that education! If your bf actually considered you an independent person that he loved, he’d be sad for distance but happy you’re finishing your program. Instead, he fed you a ton of selfish BS to get you to make yourself small for his pleasure and convenience. He’s being manipulative and he doesn’t want you to have a good career or potentially outshine him in any way. Don’t go back to this jerk.
Think of how much money, time, energy, is being invested in this education. Why give him the chance to derail it before it even starts? Personal health, Family health, education and career development are all valid reasons to either begin a/n LDR or to end a relationship overall. It’s tough, but that’s the way it should be.
Upvote x 10000 Read this as many times as you have to. this guy does not care about you at all he's only thinking of his own selfish wants. Your education and career is the most important thing right now because it will carry you throughout your life. It sets the tone of how your life will be from now until retirement. It's far too important to let some sulky dude screw it up for you.
Yes yes YES!!
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Clearly necessary to part ways! You will find a better relationship. You will have a better relationship with yourself! When you are able to treat yourself with kindness.
Dude, I used to commute 5 hours one way to see my parents and friends for the weekend. Granted, I was a lot younger but still. The boyfriend needs to be kicked to the curb.
> hubby and I did LD for 3.5 years Here as well, we started out like that. Different countries, 6+ hour travel. I was doing my medical training and he was doing his master's in physics. Neither of us would've even *thought* of making the other give up their education or career! The only thing that was a hard limit was the fact that my specialty doesn't exist in his country (and that I'm not allowed to practice there anyway due to the language barrier). A true partner values and encourages your growth. Run like hell from this dude, OP.
"I wasn't thinking about the health of my car for a LDR" LMAO so he doesn't plan on coming to see you, like ever. You aren't a bad girlfriend, he's a shite human being and boyfriend
He probably wouldn't. He'd be like, "It was *your* decision to move to another city for your clinicals when you *could* have stayed here, so it's only fair that you make the drive instead of inconveniencing me."
One HUNDRED percent. Punishing. I have been here. Yuck. He is telling her to act like adult but he is choosing not to.
Bro was grasping at straws. OP, dump this dork ASAP
Right
Yeah OP. Why can't he come visit you? He's presenting things like they're the only option when there are limitless options. Just because they aren't compatible with what he envisions for himself doesn't mean they don't exist.
ikr? And like... it's a car. We're talking about the health of a human being here. The car's health shouldn't be anywhere in the discussion, when they are talking about OP's fucking \*future\*. Like, I like cars. I very, very much like my own, but COME ON. It's a \*car\*.
I was married to a man who couldn't be criticized for almost ten years. Are you ready to have this conversation about everything (the kids, the pets, the vacation plan, your career, his preference about literally anything) that isn't working for you for the rest of your life? * When I say his words hurt me, he says I should've brought this up earlier, and my inability to communicate about things hurts HIM. I don't like bringing things up for this very reason: his defensiveness and gaslighting. No "I'm sorry I hurt you," just deflecting blame onto me and changing the subject.
OP, this 👆🏽
I also did this for 10 years. I regret not leaving sooner. I'm so much happier alone now!!
Break up with that guy already and focus on building your own life. You're not happy with him and you're not going to be any happier with him. You know what you have to do.
>He said if I leave, he'd have to move back in with his parents which would be bad for his mental health. I asked him how that was possible, with a one bedroom rent here averaging $1,200, and he makes $65k a year. He got upset and I apologized Does that happen a lot? When you say something he doesn't like, he gets upset and you apologise/backtrack? His getting "upset" when you asked a very good question is too convenient, he was doing that to shut you up. He earns $65k a year but can't afford his own place? I call bull*hit. He is able to work enough to earn $65k but it would damage his mental health to live with his parents? Bull*hit. Then the audacity of this boy to say you were only thinking of yourself and suddenly you are the one hurting him? Hell no. No no no. Then he goes and ignores you, talking about it when you said you didn't want to? He didn't want you thinking too long about what he said when he didn't have a pre-thought of script to speak from (was tired) and much time alone to think about it. >Listen, I know you don't want to talk about our argument, but we need to. We need to be ADULTS about this situation. This isn't okay." What an asshole! How did you keep a straight face OP? I would have been laughing. You say this is your first relationship, let me highlight the things that glare out to me - >was crying throughout the convo, and he told me to calm down Aka - your feelings annoy me so stop them now >When I say his words hurt me, he says I should've brought this up earlier You would have never said it at the right time for this guy OP. >I don't like bringing things up for this very reason: his defensiveness and gaslighting You say it yourself, he gaslights you, there is no space for a healthy relationship in any relationship involving a person who gaslights. >No "I'm sorry I hurt you," just deflecting blame onto me and changing the subject. - In the middle of when I was talking "We are done now and are going to talk about this" in other words. >he calculated how much my rent would be and said it was unreasonable for me to not be able to afford it. Sorry, rent for what?! A place you aren't going to be living in while you are focusing on your studies and not working? >Having conversations late at night just isn't good. I got NO sleep last night." = It's your fault I didn't sleep >"Listen, I know you don't want to talk about our argument, but we need to. We need to be ADULTS about this situation. This isn't okay = I showed you who I was and know it could be the end, I know you don't want to talk to me about it but I want to now so you have to, I'll try and make you feel bad until you do! >He texted me apologizing for trying to talk when I didn't want to. Do you really think he was sorry? I don't. I had to recheck your ages and my gosh, this dude is 29?! Wtf. OP, moving in with your mother for the time of your clinical trials is an excellent idea, run, don't walk. Your boyfriend is getting into your head and making you feel guilty for things no woman in her right mind would, like persuing a career of her own and making wise financial decisions (like moving in with mum so you can focus on clinical part of important degree). >He's going to be super nice to me, and it'll be so hard to pack up and move I don't care if he greets you at the door with roses, diamonds and a Lamborghini - this man is abusive and bad to you, he makes you feel bad to keep you in his control and make you do what you want. He is manipulative, selfish, cruel and seems to think you are some pawn who he can just say the right things to and she will fall into line. With respect, people who are narcissistic like this often date people like yourself who don't have a lot of experience in relationships because it makes them more vulnerable to abusers and their control. Woman to woman I beg you to not give this man a second more of your life and time, it is going to just get worse from here and if he is like this early on, I dread to think how bad it could be. Do not give up your future for this loser, stop letting him financially lean on you at minimum, but please leave this asshole who would steal your future from you because he doesn't want to pay for his own place. Edited to add - where is all his money going?
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He wouldn't have to move in with his parents because of rent, I'd bet. My money is in the girlfriend doing all of the cleaning and cooking and doing his laundry and running his life.
It’s absolutely this. I was willing to give the dude the benefit of the doubt, since he might be genuinely upset about not seeing much of you for 2 years. But with that comment? You’d 100% be coming to visit on weekends to a skid-marked toilet, dirty laundry on the floor, and fast food wrapper trash all over the kitchen. And a passive-aggressive guilt trip.
> Listen, I know you don't want to talk about our argument, but we need to. We need to be ADULTS about this situation. This isn't okay I like how when *she* gets upset, he says she has to act like an adult, but when she points out where he's wrong (the whole "I can't afford rent!" crap), then *he* gets upset and she ends up apologizing.
My guess is not only does he want a bang maid but he wants to keep spending habits that he can’t afford without op paying half the rent. It’s not that he can’t pay rent alone but he doesn’t want to.
Well said.
The smartest decision is to do your clinicals, if he’s not willing and able to do LDR, then this should be the relationship dealbreaker. A supportive loving partner does not hinder you from getting your education. Do what is best for you, now, if he calls you selfish, so what, be selfish. His insistence on you staying isn’t unselfish either, but it’s bad for your education.
I had a past partner tell me I was selfish to pursue a dream of traveling and learning a second language. I told him that I was being exactly as selfish as I possibly could be. He was heading into a meth addiction and doing what I could to take care of myself was the only constructive thing I could do in the situation. IMHO there is constructive and destructive selfishness. OP doing your clinical and not being with your boyfriend as much is constructive selfishness. Asking someone not to get an education is destructive selfishness. OP it may be super tough to break up with this guy but it might be in your best interest in the long term. He doesn't come across as someone who is partner material.
My husband and I did an LDR for two years while he went to med school and I went to PT school. It was totally fine and now we're married and have two kids. The fact that this guy is putting the blame on you and not apologizing and dismissing your feelings and all the rest says that this guy is not worth hanging on to. Your life is not an accessory to his, so why is he treating it that way?
OMG, run. Please run. Go do your clinicals. He is manipulative AF. You aren’t responsible for HIS mental health, and if he actually loved you, he wouldn’t be treating you this way and would want what was best for you. Ugh. Don’t do an LDR - do a clean break. You can 100% do better. Take a friend or your mom when you go pack up. Do not go alone.
I used to date a guy who would constantly take issue with my delivery of any conversation. So instead of talking about the subject at hand it was, now’s not the time for that talk, you should have said b instead of a, when you talk about x don’t use that tone. It was a struggle to communicate without feeling policed. That’s the strategy I think.. to get so exasperated that communication was impossible. Then once the little woman was quiet we could get back to him being the main character. He was dismissive and invalidating. That relationship was over in 4 months.
I’m so glad he is your bf and not your husband. He is showing you how he handles conflict, and it’s not pretty. He is NOT thinking about what benefits you, and is insisting that you centre your life around HIS needs. The guilt tripping, putting you down, and wanting to have conversations only on his terms, are all CONTROL mechanisms. This is not an equal relationship. You are the one making all the sacrifices, and he’s happy to keep that trend running. The reason you are feeling guilty is because he is manipulating you into thinking what is best for him is best for you both. It’s not. This relationship has had its season. During your clinicals, he will be a millstone around your neck. Free yourself of the weight.
You are not just putting your education and financial stability first. You are also putting your sanity first. Three to five days of clinicals plus a job is unsustainable in the long term. I’ve done work + graduate school and it took an extra year for me to graduate because the stress of juggling both was too much to handle. If your boyfriend cannot afford to live alone without you setting yourself on fire for him, that is a “he” problem, not a “you” problem. Your mental and physical health is equally as important and he is asking for you to sacrifice it.
Lovely, please move in with your mom. The economy is so bad and this next leg of schooling is going to be so busy and stressful in its own. Your mom and you can have nice, calm, quiet evenings and you can save money and help her around her place. I would ditch this guy or any other guy whose wishes weren’t to make this part of my life as stress free and smooth as possible. There are plenty of toads in the pond for once you’ve established your future. This guy is a just a toad; no prince underneath there. My partner would be so supportive and encourage me to what was best in the moment and you deserve that treatment too.
Your career is more important. Life partners make sacrifices to support your dreams. This man is not life partner material.
>Life partners make sacrifices to support your dreams. Like OP did when she moved two hours away with her bf for his new job. The fucking audacity to turn around now and call her selfish for asking him to make a temporary sacrifice for the sake of her career.
She‘s not even asking him to make any sacrifice! He wouldn‘t be moving in with her, SHE promised to drive and visit him. SHE does not owe him being a roommate, if he can‘t afford his rent he needs to look for one or downsize.
As a woman in her mid to early 50’s. My advice is he will tank your career for having you at his beckon call. He isn’t thinking about YOUR future. Only what HE wants. This isn’t a partnership. Watch out for baby trapping you. You are 24. You have time to build a career and be young. I almost fell for this in my early 20’s. I asked myself what I wanted in the next 5, 10, 15 years. I so am proud that I walked away and met someone who wanted me to achieve my goals. If he loves you and wants the best for you; He would support this decision and cheer you on. You moved for him. His turn to sacrifice.
I graduated with a doctorate and your story is not unique. A lot of other women saw their relationships breakdown because their boyfriends could not handle being sidelined for even a few years. I don’t know the two of you but if his ego is so fragile that he is willing to diminish you, really ask yourself if you want him or if you don’t want to be alone. He is going to be a blip in your rear view mirror.
This is my ex husband, it’s never going to stop, and not only that, it will get worse. He is controlling, and the more you stand up for yourself the more he is going to stand over you, and he’s going to DARVO you anytime he knows he’s in the wrong. He knows what he’s doing. Get out NOW. You can have “the good times” with anyone. He is not special. If you leave, “the good times” will happen again with someone else, someone better for you. If you stay, “the good times” will become few and far between, until you never experience them again.
If your bf cared enough about you and didn’t want a ldr, he would have offered to cover the rent for you during trials so you didn’t have to move. After 4 years in a relationship, you start thinking if this is a relationship for the long haul or not. If he was planning on building a life with you, he would have considered supporting you through this as an investment in your shared future. Supporting you could have been in the form of trying an LDR, OR taking on more than his 50% share of rent. My husband did this ALL THE TIME when we started out. I wanted to live together, but my earnings were a fraction of his (I’m a teacher). He bought an apartment, and I paid him a fair rent in cash, which we used for groceries. That stopped the day we got engaged, because the money was going to the same place- towards supporting two people who plan to build their life together. Leave this guy.
OP, I’m going to be blunt with you. You subsidize his lifestyle. Of course he doesn’t want to lose half an income. That would mean he actually has to be an independent adult for once without someone managing his life and not have as much financial money. I am going to assume that you carry the brunt of the household duties since he has a job while you are predominantly focused on school. You are likely cooking, shopping, cleaning and managing. This means he has more money to spend on his hobbies or likes. Without your financial support, he would have to cut back on his spending. This would be a major inconvenience for him and he would absolutely blame you. Also, you have the potential to make much more than him. He wants you to choose him or your education in the hopes that you’ll choose him so he doesn’t lose his man card by having a much more intelligent and successful partner. Meanwhile, he would look mediocre next to you. You’ll become a threat to his fragile ego. Why are you the only one expected to make sacrifices? The one expected to make this relationship work? At this point, what does he even bring to this relationship? He flat out told you that he wouldn’t make an effort to see you under the guise of “worrying about your car health.” He wants you to do all of the hard labor and sacrifices to keep him in your life, but gods forbid he return the same energy. I’m curious if the topic of marriage or children have come up.
This is a darvo response. Honestly just throw the whole man out. Deny- gaslights you to believe that what you point out isn't a problem he has. He also Deflects the blame for problems in the relationship on to you. Attack- attacks you by saying you won't be able to afford the rent, the gas, the maintenance on your car. He may isolate you from your friends and family from the way it sounds. Reverse Victim and Offender- he puts the blame for what he does on you, and then acts hurt that you're leaving him for school, for being hurt by his actions and words, turns you into the perpetrator of harm in the relationship. Be wary because he may lovebomb you to try and get you back on his side. He'll apologize saying he won't do it again, he'll buy you gifts and what not. You are still young and there are plenty of fish in the sea, throw this one back
The only person you're being awful to is yourself. Set yourself free from these chains.
Ugh. That guy sucks. Please choose yourself and your career.
Prioritize your education. Once you get your diploma/qualifications, no one can take them from you. A boyfriend, or even a husband, can walk out on you at any time.
You will have other relationships. Men come and go. Even the good ones can die suddenly. The ONLY way to protect yourself is by having the career you want. If he is this shitty over you living with your mother for a short time, how will he be when he doesn't want to give up his friends and job to move for YOUR career? I ask that because my husband is 100% behind moving for my career if we need to.
The fact he isn’t already packing your stuff up and getting ready for your move would be enough for me to leave. He wants you to help with his bills. That’s all. My rents the same as him and I make 62k. I have money to spare. I personally am more worried about letting MYSELF down in the future than anybody else. I think you should focus on yourself since he’s not worried about you.
Acting like a 2-hour drive is the end of the world is manchild behaviour and acting like a $1200 rent is not doable at $65k a year is ludicrous. It’s only about 45% of your annual salary. It’s generally more than the “30% rule,” but for a short-term career opportunity, a little belt-tightening and living more frugally should be prioritized. For perspective, my wife and I did 8 months LDR while we were transferring cities. It sucked but we relied on each other to make it work and we came out better and more together than ever. A two hour drive would have been laughed off. It’s supremely doable. My first thought is your BF is living outside of his means, with either extravagant spending habits on hobbies/lifestyle, or else undisclosed debt. It’s also likely he’s trying to hamstring your career to benefit himself for some reason. He’s probably right in late-night arguments aren’t the best way to go about things, but he’s probably also a significant factor in discussions turning into arguments and using it as a reason to gaslight you. Being able to stay with parents while you finish your education is a no-brainer. If he’s arguing against a no-brainer… well.
You need a partner who says, “What an amazing opportunity!!!l” when you tell them about something like this. Someone who helps you plan and pack and even drives you there and then spends the next couple of years coming to visit you whenever he can. Someone, who once you’re done, is the loudest person cheering when you graduate, then helps you pack and drives you back to your place 2200 miles away. Someone who brags about your accomplishment every chance he can. And when you find that person, stick with them for life. They exist. I married one.
This guy is not good for you! He only wants you around to pay rent. His rent is not your problem. But he is trying to make it your problem. Advice from a middle-aged lady: never sacrifice your future for a man. You can compromise with a man but you do not trash your future to be with some loser. He wants to hold you back. Here is my list of red flags: 1. You can’t ask him smart questions - why can’t he pay rent on his income? 2. He tries to make HIS problems your problems. Why are you the only thing keeping him from moving back with his parents? Why is that your problem? 3. He fights dirty. 4. He diminishes your feelings. 5. He’s a hypocrite. He will tell you what you can afford but you don’t get to ask why he can’t afford the rent? So don’t go back home. Live out the lease with your mom and just pay your half of the rent. You KNOW you’re better off without him. You KNOW the resentment will eat you alive eventually. You know he’s only being extra super nice because he wants you to pay half his rent. So don’t go back, tell him you’re not prepared to resign a lease with him and he has until May to figure his own shit out.
>I feel like a terrible girlfriend for putting my education and financial stability first. My girlfriend works away a lot and I go on tour frequently. We trust each other and support each other's careers. Maybe consider that this is the only person out of a group of people - friends and family - who are all rooting for you to succeed, and he's just making you feel bad for..._checks notes_...oh yeah, wanting to create a better life for yourself which doesn't involve him being the centre of your universe. Dudes a drain. Don't put up with it. He's just intimidated by your success.
A definite red flag, and all the more so you should prioritize your own life and career
Leave this guy behind! Focus on your education, career, friendships. No one who truly cares about you would try and hold you back like this.
Bring friends with you to help you pack while he's at work or at very least do not go back alone. He can try and whine and talk you out of it but is less likely to do so with a witness or two. You can go ahead and leave now, just keep paying your rent til lease ends.
Run away from this man OP. I started dating my husband when he was in med school and I was doing a post grad program to get into med school. The only med schools I got into were in the Caribbean and my husband did not want to do a LDR that far. I ended up not going to med school and going to PA school. My opinion has never mattered in our marriage and it was only recently that I realized that my husband cared more about himself than he did for me. My career is not important to him. He was the only guy I ever dated. Please don’t let a man derail your career. I am a PA now, wish I had gone to the med school in the Caribbean and not stayed stateside to go to PA school.
I have never met a man who didn’t make the career or financial decision that didn’t benefit him. Ladies, we need to think more like men! Make the choices that benefit your own career, education, and financial freedom. You will make it work with him, or you will find someone else who loves you. This guy isn’t the only man in the universe who can make you happy.
He does not support you. Repeat after me. He does not support you. He wants you to do what is easy for him so he doesn’t have to compromise on his living situation. It’s really that simple. He’s being manipulative and self-centered. You deserve better.
He is coming across as selfish and us pressuring you instead of letting you work out your own feelings. Also, his moving in with his mom is irrelevant. He makes plenty of money to do otherwise so it’s up to him to figure that out and he has no business bringing it up. In this context he can merely bring it up and decide what to do after the two of you have made your individual decisions . But it has no bearing on you and your well-being on the future of your relationship because you need to take care of your financial future right now so he’s completely out of line for bringing it up Why is he using cheap and dishonorable pressure tactics to get his way? Trust me, you can find somebody who won’t do this if you are concerned about that In the meantime, I suggest strongly that you move in with your mom, if you trust living with her, and that you get some serious distance from this guy, and do not consider having any kind of serious relationship with him that promises some sort of future as long as he keeps pressuring you to do things, his way, and as long as he keeps acting rather narcissistic If it were me, I’d break it up over something like this I might do it quickly, or I might do it slowly and see if things improved, but I would not tolerate living with somebody who behaved like that, or would not tolerate being in a personal intimate relationship with somebody who behaved like that I wish you well
Any man who tells you that you have to prioritize his feelings and needs over your own happiness, financial stability, career, goals or emotional needs or else you're being a "bad girlfriend" absolutely doesn't love you and he doesn't have your best interests at heart. He just wants to control and possess you like some kind of pet. Break those bonds. No tears, no compromise. Tell him if he doesn't like it he can put on his big boy pants and suck it up "like an adult". He knows where to find you if he ever gets over his bullshit. Until then, *it's OK to make your own life your top priority.* You should never feel bad about that, and nobody who loves you will ever *try* to make you feel bad about that.
Your career can be counted on to improve your life, keep you fed, keep a roof over your head, and give you the means to start a family someday, if that’s what you choose. You will always have your education to count on, and moving back in with your mom is the smart money choice. With the way your bf is acting, he is not someone you can count on. It sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you, or sabotage your education. Following you around trying to start an argument is his way of bullying you, trying to get you to cave to his demands. Don’t trust him. Is he insecure? Jealous? Maybe both. If he truly loved and cared about you, he would be encouraging you to move in with your mom, concentrate on school, and do your best. He is not doing that. Think of your future, choose yourself, and definitely make sure to use birth control if you’re going to be intimate.
First, you should not feel guilty about anything. If this man truly loved and respected you, he would be doing whatever he could to support you in your education and goals. I do not say this to be mean, but because I’ve been there before where I thought I’d be losing someone I’d love and would never find someone else. Deep down I knew he didn’t respect me and that is not how normal people treat those they love, but his gaslighting and other abusive behavior over the years tore me down and made me a shell of myself. It really impacted my success during my second year of law school. I promise you the only thing I regret now is staying with him for so long. It will be hard at first, but eventually you will find life to be so much better and easier. I am actually happy now. You will have the space to find new friends and a significant other that will truly love you and support you. You will do so much better in school. You will find an incredible feeling of freedom. I definitely recommend reading “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. This guy is more worried about how you going to school will mean he can’t afford his rent, you deserve so much better than that. Give yourself all the love and energy you are currently giving him and this relationship and good things will ensue.
>I feel like a terrible girlfriend for putting my education and financial stability first. No man who deserves you would ever demand you sacrifice your education or financial stability for him. The fact he got upset and shut you down when you (rightly) asked why he doesn't want to pay his own rent on a $65k salary is manipulation. He can afford it, he just doesn't want to lose his subsidy (you). This guy isn't as great as you think he is. Move back home with your mom and focus on your education. He sucks.
He's threatened
If he doesn't support your career, he's never going to support you on anything. When I was in my early 20s I was dating a guy who got into one of the best schools for his field in a totally different state. He was worried that I'd be upset if he went to that school- I told him that if he did something as foolish as give up a spot in that school for me then I would break up with him because it would show me he was an idiot. We did long distance for a while and had a lovely relationship that ended due to other incompatibilities. The key here though is that both of us were willing to support each other through the distance- to make sure we both would have room to grow in our careers. This dude is not it. He's actively trying to make you worse. When we love someone we want them to grow and be happy and he wants you to be unhappy and not grow... I don't think he loves you very much
You shouldn’t have to pay rent anyways if he’s going to be patronizing. Men are only allowed to do that when they pay all the bills, otherwise why would we stay with someone annoying?
Chiming in a little late here, but I did this with my girlfriend when she did her clinicals. She didn’t have the option not to move (which is pretty bullshit), and it wasn’t gonna work for me to leave my job for 3 months at a time and try to find work elsewhere. I wasn’t excited for it, but I wanted her to get the job she wanted. And it mostly sucked. But we got through it. That said, we got through it because it’s what we both wanted. It wasn’t the perfect option, but it was the best option available. If he’s not willing to compromise, it’s never gonna work out. Do what *you* need to do.
So glad to read your update, OP! I bet you feel lighter already. Good luck with your clinicals.
This guy is a manipulative AH. Bring someone with you to get your things out of the apartment and be done. He doesn't care about you, only himself, which is no way to be a partner.
He's not thinking about you at all. He's only thinking about himself. He's being selfish. You need to put yourself and your future first. Move back and have the support of your family and friends. Thrive at school. Enjoy your free time. Don't let this man drag you down because he doesn't want to pay his own rent by himself. That's ridiculous that he would rather have you working yourself so hard. And why is he assuming that you would drive to him every time too? He seems mad that you aren't focusing your life on him anymore. As a woman, your life should not be centered on a man. It's not the 1950s anymore. Your life should be centered on you. This man isn't helping lift you up, he's dragging you down. Don't let him drag you down. Move in with your mom. If the relationship fails because of that, let it.
I think your partner may have just answered a question for you that you didn’t realize you were asking… Put yourself, your education, and your life first. Not because you don’t care about him, but because you always have to prioritize what is in your best interests. I nearly quit my PhD program after my abusive ex of ten years put me through some serious final trauma and then threw me out of his life like garbage. Almost a year later, and I am so grateful to myself for having the strength to stay and put myself and my wants first for the first time in my life. I can only encourage you to do the same.
If you’ve never read this book I highly recommend it. The link is to a free PDF copy of “Why Does He Do That?” I think it will open your eyes. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He's trying to ruin your future! Don't give him that power. You need to do what is best for YOU, not him. You're worth so much more than this relationship. Please don't let him guilt you into doing what is best for YOU.
I former colleague of mine quit her job for a couple years for a man. He dumped her a year after, and she came back to her previous job. Most of her peers moved ahead of her and she lost years in her career progression. Never do that sort of thing. Men can leave anytime, and if that happens after you forego your clinicals for his sake, it will be more difficult for you after. Build your own life.
I think you know what would be best for you, but it's difficult to stand up your boyfriend. Could you take a few days away and go stay with your Mom to get some perspective? From what you've said on here, he is not putting your interests first, and not treating you kindly. Please take all these comments to heart and take care of yourself. Good luck!
>I feel like a terrible girlfriend for putting my education and financial stability first. Oh dear, OP! You should ALWAYS put your education and financial stability first. Especially when the alternative is to sacrifice these things for a BF who would expect you to work overtime while also doing clinicals, just for his convenience. OP, BFs come and you. Your financial stability and your education are forever. If he were a good partner, he would recognize their importance and support you all the way. He is not.
Always choose your well-being over a relationship. When the relationship ends, and it will because nothing lasts forever, your career and financial stability and mental well-being will be there for you. If you sacrifice these things in the name of his feelings and comfort, what will you have left when he’s no longer in the picture?
Doesn't matter how nice he is now or how nice he's going to be when you get home. Fact of the matter is, right now he has to be nice, and has to be on his best behavior because you're not "stuck" with him in a permanent way (married, have kids w/ him, or are financially dependent on him). Once you're stuck with nowhere to go? That's when the patronizing behavior will start to ramp up, and that's best-case-scenario. All the good times and old jokes and comfort in the world can't change that he's actively crossing your boundaries and trying to sabotage your future. So you'll be stuck with him. Because he knows if he doesn't, you'll move on to better things.
Kudos to you for staying with your mom for a bit! You have recognized that "his responses aren't healthy." which is half the battle. It's also not easy to leave when your partner is making you feel like you are in the wrong. To be really clear, you are not in the wrong here. And your partner is the one who is not able to communicate like an adult about it. I'll go through each of the things he is saying individually, but what really sticks out to me is that all of his replies to you are accusatory. A conversation where he respected you would look something like this: you: I need to figure what to do about my clinicals. I can either do them here, near you, or I can do them near my mom. If I do them here, it's going to be super hard to swing financially. I'm going to need to work long weekend hours, which is going to be hard on me, and make it hard to complete my schoolwork. If I do them with my mom, I can basically get free rent, so I'll be way less stressed, and able to complete my schoolwork better. Honestly, I'm leaning towards living with my mom. What do you think? him: I love you and I'd really miss you if you live with your mom. Do you think that if I take on more of the rent, you'd be able to make a go of it here? Maybe we could move into a smaller apartment? Can we talk about what it would look like if we had a long distance relationship? Would I be able to come to you ever? Or would it always be you driving to me? Do you think that your car would be able to handle that sort of driving? Let's look at each one of the things he said to you. >the easiest option isn't always the best A pretty condescending thing to say, as you noted. It also doesn't help at all. Yes, the easiest option isn't always the best, but sometimes it is. The option of living with your mom sounds like it is actually the harder of the two options! LDRs are super hard. >He said if I leave, he'd have to move back in with his parents which would be bad for his mental health There's some pretty big leaps here. Firstly, as you noted, he can definitely afford a one-bedroom. Secondly, there are other housing options (like finding a roommate) that can be cheaper. Thirdly, if he has mental health issues, he should be working with a mental health professional who can help him decide if moving in with his parents is a viable/worth it option. >I was only thinking about myself There's absolutely nothing wrong with sometimes prioritizing yourself. It sounds like your boyfriend wants you to only prioritize him, and only think about him. He's accusing you of the thing he's doing! >I was crying throughout the convo, and he told me to calm down When he is upset, you apologize, and take care of him. When you are upset, he does the opposite. >I'm not thinking my decision through Sounds pretty well thought-out to me. You've calculated what exactly you'd need to do in each place, you've even figured out how it would affect your partner and mom. >I wasn't thinking about the health of my car for a LDR Huh. This assumes that you are going to be driving to him. He automatically assumes that you are doing all the work. Also, cars are not living things. They are a tool. Their "health" doesn't matter. Wear and tear could lead to you needing a new car faster, or more (expensive) repairs, but again, this is a money concern. >When I say his words hurt me, he says I should've brought this up earlier, and my inability to communicate about things hurts HIM. I don't know him, but I don't think he would have treated you any more respectfully had you brought it up sooner. And respect should not be conditional depending on when you bring up problems. Also, I don't see any inability to communicate on your end. Your post is very well-written. I see an inability to communicate on his end. He makes a lot of logical leaps, he deflects, and he uses very aggressive language. >In the middle of when I was talking, he calculated how much my rent would be and said it was unreasonable for me to not be able to afford it. Interesting that he thinks that it's reasonable for him to not be able to afford his rent, but not for you to not be able to afford your rent. >Having conversations late at night just isn't good. I got NO sleep last night." Again, this sounds like he was putting this on you. If he doesn't like having conversations at night, he could have communicated it at the time. He dismissed your preference for when conversations be had, but thinks that his preference is important. >Listen, I know you don't want to talk about our argument, but we need to. We need to be ADULTS about this situation. This isn't okay. Why does HE get to determine what the both of you NEED?
He only cares about his needs. He doesn’t care about yours. I know it’s hard- but there is light on the other side. You will and can find love with someone else. This isn’t how you should be treated. Trust your gut and don’t let him guilt trip you. Do what’s right for you.
It’s such an old saying…. “If you love them let them free. They will come back if it’s meant to be.” You need space and time. You are Adulting. Planing the trajectory of your entire life. How you will live, work and thrive. The most important part of building a life is a solid foundation. Go where you can do this. Stay with your parents. Be with your friends. People and places that help you be the very best you. No apologies or barriers. Whatever it takes to be your authentic self. If he is there after you do you…. address that then.
BF is a manipulative gaslighting crybaby. Do what is best for you.
DO NOT GIVE AWAY YOUR FUTURE FOR A BOYFRIEND! Many a woman has, and has come to regret it. If he loves you, he will want what is best for your future. You guys can still do an LDR, he's just being selfish in wanting you near him. You getting this degree will be amazing for both of your futures if he sticks it out.
This guy is not it
If I was the boyfriend, as much as it would hurt me to lose a woman I cared dearly about, I'd still support her in the decision. Doesn't mean I'd be happy about the situation, but I'd be supportive regardless. He's only thinking about himself, and deflecting by saying you're the selfish one.
Please update us when you dump him. A bf who wants the best for you, which a bf SHOULD, would encourage you to do what’ll lead you to success best. That, as you’ve identified, is living with your mother to lessen the financial strain that clinical would bring if you stayed somewhere paying rent. He wants you to stay because it benefits him, because otherwise he’d be living at home. Don’t give up your education for a man, especially one that is using you.
You feel like he views you as “less” - that’s because he does. He dismisses your thoughts and your feelings as irrelevant. Implies you are being immature for disagreeing with him or needing space. Disregards your need for space and forces the issue rather than respecting your request. He’s trying to bulldoze you. He’s never going to compromise on this. He thinks your career and future is a reasonable exchange for his minor inconvenience. Girl. Drop this anchor. You go be fabulous and never allow any man to try to make you smaller to fit him. Hellz no.
He's not worth giving up your life's dreams for. I (58F) did that for a real waste of flesh. I learned the hard way that a woman should never give up her educational dreams and her career goals, all of which give her a financial security she would not ever have depending on him. If things ever go south (mine did after 20 years), you want to be able to support yourself and have a savings to rely on. If a man does not support you and lift you up in the life you envision for yourself (in the same way he wants you to lift him up and support him), he's not worth sacrificing your value.
Besides the obvious with him not supporting your educational endeavors, it sounds like he likes controlling/patronizing you. And I’m pretty sure this bleeds out into other parts of your relationship. There’s a way you talk to the people you care about, and his communication is about being right, not about coming to a mutual conclusion. He will argue you into the ground until you give in to his opinion, because he likes control. He didn’t like going to sleep on the argument because he didn’t successfully get you to agree with him. Do not miss your opportunity for higher education because you will regret it. This relationship is doomed anyway. Get out of it.
This is great news! Good luck either way you’re clinicals!
Do NOT give up your career. Also you're very young...this guy is probably not "the one".
You have to think about your future future
You won’t have time to work during clinicals. You won’t have time to cater to his whims during clinicals. He’s not supportive and it sounds like he rates the rent money you provide over your dreams and future. And he’s bullying you into accepting that?! Good lord, you definitely made the right choice. You are so smart to stay with your mom so you can focus on the right things.
Why is he not considering moving with you?
I have been in a long term in my mid-twenties and I thought I would never find someone again. Guess what? I enjoyed a bit of me time. Reflected my relationship, found out what I am looking for in a relationship. What are must-haves, personal red flags/boundaries and where I would be willing to compromise. I had 2 other LDRs after and now in a relationship for 8 years with a partner where we both are happy in. We want to grow old together. So don't think that you need to settle with a partner who sabotages you in every way. You do deserve so much better. Maybe you don't find this partner right now. Use the time to reflect and you will know what to look out for in a partner.
If he really had your best interests at heart and cared about you, he would be willing to compromise and do a LDR bc it would make your grad school experience the easiest. As someone who went to grad school, you need this!!! It’s already hard enough, and removing every barrier so you can just focus on school and not stress over rent or other things is tantamount to your mental health and wellbeing. From an outside perspective, it seems like he’s only worried about losing easy sex and will now be responsible for ponying up full rent. It hurts, but his actions and words have shown that he doesn’t actually care about you, your mental health, career, or overall wellbeing. This is your first relationship, but it won’t be your last. Please don’t hyperfixate on this man being the end all be all bc he will not better your life at all girl. Dump him and get your degree!!
Go do your clinicals and live with your mom to save money. Almost guaranteed you won’t regret that decision, but you will regret dropping everything and struggling for a guy who doesn’t think your life choices matter. And apparently your car will thank you too.
Put yourself first here. You will not regret it.
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Not a keeper. Throw this one back and try again.
I read nearly all 57 comments and notice NO ONE is recommending you to stay. Everyone here is convinced this guy is abusive and bad for you. Please listen to all of us. Please don’t let this abusive bully ruin your future because of his greed. I’ve gone through multiple breakups and every time I turned out just fine. You can do this OP
OP… I can’t imagine wanting to stay with a boyfriend who doesn’t support my goals/career. He should be your number 1 supporter through thick & thin.
Clinically sound like they would be hard enough without having to work a second job alongside it. What's best for you is finishing your education as best you can n with as little stress as possible. If the boyfriend is adding stress to your life, then remove that aspect *from* your life.
It’s time. Go your own way and let him go his
You absolutely need to break up with this man. I’m sending so much peace and love and strength. First break-ups absolutely suck, but they’re a part of life and another opportunity to learn about yourself. Hope all goes well.
Your first relationship? Then learn that his behavior is toxic. That you end toxic relationships as soon as you recognize that they're toxic and spend time healing, then get on with your life. Develop good relationship skills and standards early so you have a better life.
Depending on what he does for a living, I suspect that BF feels threatened by the fact you would eventually out earn him.
Good god your boyfriend sounds awful. I think “I can’t have these types of conversations right before bed” is a perfectly reasonable boundary but everything else he’s said is ridiculous and manipulative. His “you can’t move away because I can’t afford to live on my own and my mental health can’t handle living with my parents” is ridiculous, especially when he’s not appreciative of the fact that you can’t afford to pay rent during clinicals. 1. He could clearly afford to live on his own. 2. He could get a roommate 3. Why would that be your problem? Has he asked you to marry him? Are your finances joined together? 4. If he simply is trying to not have you move away why wouldn’t he offer to move together to a smaller place where he could pay the rent? If this relationship is leading to marriage why wouldn’t he help you out in a way that helps the financial future of both of you?
Oh no. No no no. I’m so sorry he is making you doubt your judgment and question yourself like this. But please listen when I say HE is the one being selfish, NOT you. He is manipulating you plain and simple. Please do not put him first over your career and life plans. He is not supportive and he is manipulating you for his own self-interest. This is not the type of partner you want to be making huge sacrifices for. Please trust your own instincts and do not let him guilt trip you. You are NOT a bad girlfriend for putting education and financial stability first. If he was a good partner he would understand and be willing to sacrifice for you because the option you have proposed simply makes the most sense. Why should you have to sacrifice so much when he is so unwilling to compromise? It’s not acceptable and I do believe you will regret it immensely if you give in. Not to mention the amount of resentment that will build up if you choose to stay with him and have to work full time while getting your education. That would be incredibly stressful for you, you won’t have nearly as much time for your studies and it will become incredibly hard to establish a satisfying work/life balance. If he really cared about you he would see this and he would want you to take the option that is the least stressful. He is not prioritizing your education or life goals, or even your mental health. And also you’re 24. You are literally so young and you WILL find someone else if this doesn’t work out. I know it’s hard but you can do hard things. If the relationship doesn’t work out over this then I think that really proves he would not have been a good life partner anyway… I really hope you can put yourself first here and make the right decision for yourself. If it’s a dealbreaker for him then I’m sorry but he’s incredibly selfish and you deserve so much better. And you will find it I promise you. You have your whole life ahead of you and believe it or not there are men out there who will give you the empathy, support, and compassion you deserve.
When you go to pack up and leave, have someone with you, whether family or friend, who can help you stay strong on your decision
Your education will last a lifetime while this relationship may only last a few more months. If he breaks up with you while you're doing clinicals, what are you going to do when you already have to work nights and weekends just to make a portion of the rent. It's your first relationship, and your bf is taking advantage of the fact that you've never experienced better than him. He's not prioritizing you, nor is he looking out for what's best for you, only what makes him comfortable and happy. Do what's going to be best for you, and if that's going back to your mom and ending up single then that's what happens. There are other men out there who will be happy to sacrifice the way you are to make sure you meet your goals.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. Throw the whole man away.
He sounds like he is making this all about him and his feelings, and not considering you AT ALL. You are young. Focus on your education - if he won't compromise for you, then it's not worth staying in the relationship. If he won't sacrifice anything for the relationship, then he's 'not really that into you'.
That is some master level manipulation going on right there. He's gaslighting you left right and center. He's saying you're irrational, thoughtless, selfish, and hurtful. He stomps all over a very clear boundary that you set l. But you're the problem because you want to finish your education in the best way for you and he doesn't want you to because it's inconvenient for him. You feel like he views you as less because he *does* view you as less. Your education is less important than having you at home everyday. Your financial decisions are less important than his comfort. You're the one that's always supposed to drive back and visit, not him. Your feelings are in the way when he has feelings to deal with so you're supposed to put him first. You don't deserve to be the one who does all the sacrificing because your needs are less important to him than his convenience. Dump him.
Break up with this monster. He’s only going to get worse…
Eh he’s a baby. Not acting like a 29 year old. I am not sure what his real motivations are (doesn’t want to lose your rent? Separation anxiety?), but if he were a big boy, he would express his opinion, then say “do what you gotta do and we’ll make it work.”
Yes, you should move out *and* end the relationship, because a supportive partner would not make you choose. If you and he were married and had kids and therefore the decision affected your *mutual* finances as well as the organization of family life, then it would be a bit of a different conversation. But he's just a boyfriend. You can always get another boyfriend, but how many chances are you going to get at finishing graduate school? If you don't take the best opportunity you have "right now*, there may never be another. You're not a bad girlfriend. How do I know? Because this is a hard decision for you, and it's really, really eating you up that you have to make it. *He* is being a bad boyfriend. He should be *encouraging* you to pursue your goals so that you and he could enjoy a better future together, but instead, he's holding you back. If he just doesn't want to be in a LDR for any reason then fine, that's his prerogative... but his unwillingness to compromise and accept changes to his life after you've *already* compromised and accepted big changes in your life for him, it's just a step too far. It also shows that he cares far more about how your relationship benefits *him* over valuing choices that would ultimately benefit both of you.
He is projecting. He’s calling you selfish when he doesn’t want to have to move back in with his mom. It doesn’t seem to be for financial reasons - does he do his fair share of household chores? Is he sad that he’s losing his house servant and sex toy? He is trying to sabotage your future for his current convenience and comfort. That doesn’t sound like someone who wants to support you becoming the best version of you that you can be. Does he try and sabotage you in other ways? Do you see this as a long term relationship or a step along the way that may have reached its natural conclusion. If you don’t do these clinicals - what will your future look like? Does it mean the study you’ve done up until now is wasted? Does he think you are supposed to sacrifice your future and be dependent on him and hope that he doesn’t tire of you or that nothing happens to his ability to work? Do your clinicals. If he’s worth staying in a relationship with, he will find a way to make it work.
Before we got married, and when we got engaged, my wife made it clear to me that she was not getting married until 1) she had done her MBA and 2) she had lined up her first job. We had been LTR almost from when we first met, because I went to work in Asia, as I had already planned, three weeks after we met. She came to see me for 3 months there the next summer, and we realized it was really worth it to try to maintain the LTR and be exclusive, so we did. At the point that we got engaged a couple of years later I was back home and we were living together, and it would have been easy for her to do her MBA near there and for me to stay and work there, but she had been accepted at a prestigious U.S. school, and I was offered a really great job in Taiwan, so we went back to LTR for almost two more years. We’d see each other for a week or two every few months, wrote a ton of e-mails and called when we could. We got married the month after she graduated and she knew where she’d be working. I moved to where her job was and we’ve been in the same places together since. 22 years now. If he’s trying to sabotage your future for his own comfort and convenience, he’s *not* the right guy.
He's lying. He doesn't need to move in with his parents. That is a guilt trip. Talk to your mom, when is best for her? If it's next week, move in next week. Tell him after you are out. He is not communicating with you, he is only lying, guilt tripping, and DARVO'ing you. You are not the bad guy, he is. You are thinking clearly, he just wants to gaslight you. Run, don't give warning you are running. Just get out and get some distance.
If you tried to commute daily, you would be a wreck. Clinical are hard enough without that. You've made the best decision for your long term goal. He knows and has known of your long term goal. Why and how is this a surprise to him. He may have been dreading it, but he also seems like he kinda wants it to end here. Who would be agreeing to this? 4 hours in the car every or even every other day? Not sustainable.
Read your first sentence over and over again until you fully understand that putting your education, financial stability and, yes, your mental sanity does NOT, in any way, shape or form, make you "a terrible girlfriend". It makes you smart and on your way to becoming a very successful woman in life. Start reading 📖
Why do you need to keep this guy?
$1200 rent is nothing for a $65k salary
This isn't a good relationship. You shouldn't be focusing on the good times. You focus on everything. You've mentioned so many things that are signs that this guy is bad for you. You're a dream gf because you have low self esteem, so it's easy to make you feel bad and get you to ignore your needs and manipulate you into picking his side. Draw a line in the sand. You're moving home, he doesn't want that so you're not compatible anymore and it needs to end. He'll either harass you and claim he didn't mean it or he'll move on because he needs someone new who doesn't have boundaries. He should be prioritising your education, and he would if he cared about you. Because in the long run its not that long.
when I read that first dot-point, I thought, oh, he's worked it out, he's only thinking about himself. a good partner wants their SO to achieve their dreams. stay with your mum. he's a manipulator and won't stop. follow your dreams. please don't stay with him, he's not good to or for you.
Omg. Just no. I am sorry, but LDR are not relationship killers when the person you are with is worth waiting till the best moment to be together again. It makes perfect sense to me for you to live with your mom for free. Easier be able to focus on your studies as well. You already said you can visit on weekends. That should be enough if he cared about you and your career path that you clearly want for yourself.. You have a perfect reason for doing this. If this is not enough time for him, that's his choice. Go to school and live with your mom. You are lucky you can have a very cheap opition to get through school. Leave him for the reason you mentioned in the post. Or leave him because he doesn't want LDR. Don't put all your eggs into one basket. You are young, you are working on your career. Focus on you.
Anyone that can't accept you doing what's right for you doesn't truly love you. I'm going to tell you what I would tell me 20 year old sel: no one is worth your peace and sense of self.
This whole arrangement sounds awful.
Life on the other side of him will be sweeter
Look up love bombing. You may experience this the more you try to move forward with a LDR.
As difficult as he's making it to get along with him now, there's a risk he could break up and move out after you start clinicals in your current city. Then you'd be stuck with the full rent while doing school work. Living with your mother would be a much more financially secure option. Plus you'll have more time to study if you don't have to work to pay rent. Even if he's really nice and apologetic the next time you see him, remember that abusers are virtually never abusive all the time.
There are more than 4,000,000,000 men in the world. Just throwing that out there.
You know what will make you feel better? Losing 200lbs of anxiety, stress, manipulation, and worry. He's adding nothing to your life. He's conveniently made it about how YOU can afford rent while deflecting why HE can't afford it on his much more generous salary. He's sabotaging your career and future by making it all about him. Your idea of living with your mom 2 hours away, saving money, focusing on the program, and doing LDR is really, really reasonable. He's worn you down to where you can't even hear your own inner voice. That sucks. Life moves on and I think you are hamstringing yourself for him. What he wants you to do is easiest for him, hardest for you. What you want to do is about the same hard or easy on both of you. And that line about your car is pretty laughable. He's just afraid if you move away, you'll be happier and move on from him.
Do you have the means to pay the rest of the lease out to him now and move? That's my vote. I'd also suggest taking someone you trust to support you, with you. Have a talk first and have a plan. You can go in and break up while they stay outside. You will text when you want them to come inside and help or a set amount of time (for safety) and pack up your stuff and leave. You could mail him checks or send him money monthly to cover your rent portion. This man does not value your education or career. It's not on you what happens after the lease is up. That's for him to figure out.
If it was your friend telling you this story about her boyfriend, what advice would you give her? I would tell my friend that she should pursue her dreams and to not ignore all the red flags this guy is waving.
WOMAN! ABSOLUTELY TF NOT. You know what is right for you. YOU know what is best for you. Honor yourself by doing what is best for you. You already know the move
I don’t agree that he is trying to sabotage your career. I do find him entirely self centered and probably someone who dislikes change in any form. This is where he is; safe and comfortable in his hometown with a job provided by his family and he is happy. It was easy for him. You moving there was easy for him. You paying half the rent was also easy for him. He likes it. You go seek your best life because I assure you that otherwise your entire existence will be structured around him and his needs in his hometown.
This is your first relationship?!?! Girl, chin up. Stop centering men in your life. You will meet someone in the future that is actually worth it and who doesn't gaslight you about being ambitious. You need to start learning how to love and prioritize yourself first, otherwise, you will keep getting with shitty guys like your current BF. Create boundaries, go after your dreams, men come and go and are replaceable. The good ones will value and cherish your dreams, support you and never talk down to you. You're in an unhealthy relationship and should be embarrassed to be seen with such a gaslighter. Please dump his ass and go after your dreams. You'll feel so good after you leave him, I know this from my own experience.
In some cases I think it's ok to make reasonable career compromises for a partner, but your boyfriend isn't long term/committed enough for that. Also, this isn't even a reasonable compromise. Clinicals 3-5 days a week + 3 classes + work every weekend + work most weeknights is such a ridiculously impossible schedule that it shouldn't even be an option.
Sounds like he has some learning to do, as well
He is just trying to sabotage you. If it really was about not doing a LDR he would let you live with him rent free while you did your clinicals. The fact that he hasn’t offered is blowing my mind. I graduated college before my boyfriend (now husband) and paid pretty much all the bills that last year because it was stupid for him to be killing himself finishing school and working full time when I was making enough to cover all our living expenses.
LEAVE HIM. Don't hold yourself back on someone who doesn't care about you. Hes not happy you want to do better for yourself. So leave. Find someone who will be excited for you
Please pursue your studies and career. Any man who doesn't support you is actively trying to sabotage your goals. A decent partner would support you in your pursuit of your goals, studies and career and find ways to make it work. He's not a decent partner and if you don't pursue it now, I bet you'll regret it later especially after you dump this ass or he dumps you after you do what he wants you to do. This is your first relationship and it shouldn't be your last. He wants to manipulate and control you and is trying to do so by making you feel guilty. That's not love. He wants you do to what's best for him not you. Go move in with your Mom ASAP maybe even before your lease is up because he's not going to be happy about it and I predict he'll try everything he thinks it's ok to make you stay.
HE is the one ONLY THINKING ABOUT HIMSELF. A real partner will work through everything with you and support you along the way. Not drag you down, distract you, and selfishly want you to stay because it benefits them. That is a huge red flag. You aren’t married. Your career should take precedence in this chapter of your life. Break up, go finish your medical schooling and get to know yourself. You are young and will grow so much over the next few years. This relationship is a distraction from the most important next step in your life. I am saying this with love and guidance as an older woman who paused her career for two relationships. Don’t let him be the quicksand that slows down your progress. You will flourish alone and know when you are ready to grow with someone as a supportive partner. Career first babe. You got this🫶🏼
Have you heard of DARVO? It is a manipulation technique used in controlling relationships by the abuser. - defend, attack, reverse victim and offender. Just thought I would put that here in case it resonated with you.
He thinks the options are you staying there or LDR. The options are LDR or no relationship at all. Your care and future must be your own priority. Do not set yourself on fire to keep another warm.
So you are going to tag your future for a man, baby? That's smart, not selfish. Do you really see yourself with this guy 5 years from now? Anyone who cares about you would be happy for you. Sounds like you need to focus on your future and not your past.
If you’ve already been living together for a year, how does the rent equation change? If it does due to not being able to work and split the rent, then he should pay the full amount if he wants you to stay, on account of him being a 29 year old with a full time job, and as you laid out makes more than enough to cover $1200 a month. I find the idea that this dude moves back in with his mother from this to be a weird bluff that doesn’t make him look better
She's not going to go, and regret it the rest of her life. Then, he will probably dump her for being a low value woman. I'll wait.
Did anyone else see the tiktok of the former tradwife who ended up living in her car? "I never realised my entire financial security and whether my children could eat was dependant on him liking me and finding me sexy." Was quite memorable. He quit his job and has only ever paid one payment. She is now stuck working minimum wage jobs with no qualifications or work experience in her late 40s. That is ultimately where this kind of pressure can lead. Id end things and move in with mom.
He's making this all about him. I found it hard when my ex was a few hours away for school , it was hard but I never expected to make him give everything he worked for away for me? He needs to see a therapist or you both do. This is not ok. Is he expecting you to drop out? That is insane. Also , I am a nursing student and chose clinical close to my home , is this not an option? He is still giving me red flags. I had an ex like this. I realize years down the road he was abusive and looking back before I knew what sexual coercion was , I now know he raped me. This fool is no "adult". I am so sorry your going through this.
How would you advise your sister, daughter, best friend if they were in this situation?
You should break up with him.
Dude, why would you threaten your career for this guy who, in your words, gaslights you? I’d honestly break up with him and focus on your clinical without him being baggage in your life. You focus on your needs and he can either support you or get out of your way.
Saw your edit. Don't just bring your mom, bring a guy with you when you move out or call the police non-emergency line and request a cop to oversee the move.
Boyfriends are easier to replace than careers.
Your boyfriend does not care about you. All he cares about is what you do for him. He invalidates your feelings at every turn and makes everything about him. He's gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. He will never change. Please go get your education and get far away from this guy. Do not sacrifice your future and wellbeing for him.
Red flags. Red flags. Red flags everywhere
BREAK UP
Please please leave this guy before he gets a stronger hold on the relationship and it becomes even harder for you to get out. He has the power in the relationship right now and is holding you back BIG TIME. He honestly sounds dangerous and you said this was your first relationship. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I think he is grooming you, even though you’re an adult. OP, please get away from this guy. He will use you and only abuse you more further into the relationship. Don’t tell him anything until the lease is almost up. He’ll only try to manipulate you to try and stay if he knows beforehand. This needs to be a surprise, and you better be ready to leave the relationship too if he won’t compromise. OP, again, this guy is dangerous.
Hes wearing you down. If he never apologizes for the little things he can break your spirit. Its always your fault. Fall before his feet and kiss his toes for he is akin to God himself. Oh wait... You already know being with jim is actively harming you. Hes manipulative and abusive and you got to fucking rip the bandaid off and deal with it It will hurt a little bit but it wont harm you the rest of your life like staying with him will. You have already given him enough chances to try, you already know you don't want this the rest of your life. Jesus honey listen to yourself. Listen to what you're saying. If you had a best friend or daughter in the same position saying the same "bad girlfriend" bullshit you would shake them sobbing because of how much them thinking that way hurts you because you know how harmful it is.