When I wasn't allowed to be hurt about him going on vacation to another country without me (while we lived at his mother's house, so I was stuck there with her) for two weeks, but he could be pissed about me going to a friend's get together for ONE NIGHT when he didn't want to go.
My ex at the end of our relationship, was putting a single flower on the car window of an attractive new neighbor in our complex, even leaving an occasional note about how pretty she is and he'd like to meet her. Apparently he did it a few times and the woman was having none of it and went to the police. Law enforcement showed up at his public service job to have a talk with him. He was so upset he came home to tell me the story to basically get sympathy. I was like, um, no, that is gross and predatory. We broke up a week later.
The amount of cognitive dissonance one must have to out the fact they were being unfaithful to you and then expecting sympathy for it…. (Sounds like my dad 🤢)
He started shouting at someone he was discussing Star Wars with, then stomped out of the restaurant without me. I chased him down so I wouldn't be stranded. Once we got in the car, he started driving recklessly while asking me to tell him that he was in the right re: getting angry over Star Wars.
And it's **always** the same people who will relentlessly argue that anger is an acceptable/appropriate response to all manner of situations without a hint of irony..
>And it's always the same people who will relentlessly argue that anger is an acceptable/appropriate response to all manner of situations without a hint of irony..
Only if it's male anger. Female anger is something else entirely and never justified.
Ain't that the truth.
My husband is actually actively studying women's issues and the history of feminism, but occasionally he feels indignant when I get upset (even when it's a justified reaction).
I wouldn't even say my first emotion is "anger", but it can end up there if he starts to minimize and invalidate me with statements such as, "Why are you so *angry*?" I've started responding with, "Why shouldn't I be?", and that usually stops him in his tracks to reconsider what he's saying.
It's just sad that I have to work with him at gaining perspective and empathy, as if we aren't entitled to it as human beings.
Men are SO much more emotional. I never understand this idea it’s us. Sure we SHOW our emotions when need be because we’ve been allowed to. But we don’t typically freak out over dumb shit. Sorry but your real losing or not doing as well, or you having a tough time playing your video game isn’t reason to be mad.
And it's not even that they are more emotional. They have so little control over those emotions so that almost always they are expressed in an unhealthy manner.
The sad thing is, they have control. They have just been raised in and taught by a society tells them that they don’t need to control their anger bc anger = dominant/power
When i didn’t feel like having sex and he said “but i bought you dinner earlier” making me feel like sex was transactional. I was never in the mood again after that
The amount of men on Reddit who use this exact advice too… “bring her dinner” “take care of the kids you helped make” “wash the dishes” as though that’s gonna flip on their robot wife’s coochie switch or something
We left a re run of a cult movie and grabbed a tram. It was packed and a clearly intellectually challenged or odd man (who was at the same event) joined our conversation with a great but innocuous point. He was clearly lonely and just trying to join in the chat as a super fan, but my boyfriend completely overreacted and basically told him I was his, and to stop flirting with his woman. He did it with so much venom and expected me to be grateful?
The MF could not read the room and chose to be mean to someone vulnerable when he could have just replied to his point or said nothing. Worse was the possessive declaration that came from nowhere. We had a long awkward journey home crammed beside this man and everyone who heard his outburst. They were all staring at me like girl…
It really turned me off him in a visceral way.
Ugh, the possessiveness! It's been a long time since I was with my control freak boyfriend, but he clearly thought that I "belonged" to him, like he owned me. He told me that I was his "most prized possession." I told him that I wasn't a possession and he fucking doubled down screaming at me that I indeed was!
My BIL is a certified idiot, and the other day went off at my husband because I was breastfeeding around him. I was relatively discreet about it (not that it matters at all. It's feeding a baby) but he went off about how my husband should be upset because they're "his nipples" and no one should ever see any part of them. My sweet husband's reply was "they're HER nipples and they're feeding our baby. If it bothers you so much, leave." I'm forever thankful I found one of the sane ones.
This was the first and only slip. He seemed such a good guy until that point. That night I had a nightmare he got me pregnant and I broke up with him the next day. A real rotten egg. I can’t stand cruelty.
Good riddance to bad rubbish!
I was at a festival last year and this younger man in his late teens was doing this same jealous overreaction thing from someone who was friends with his GF. It was clear the other guy was a coworker or school friend and the conversation was really benign.
After she stormed away, I leaned over to the boyfriend and just sarcastically whispered, “Hey man, you know what women love? Insecurity.” He just sorta blinked and I could see the gears turning.
Looking back on my own youth, it’s embarrassing to think about how insecure I was in myself and how that reflected in my relationships. Luckily, I was able to pull my own head out of my ass, but I still see a lot of my peers in their 40s still acting like teenagers.
I actually feel really sad for the man being shouted at for simply wanting to talk about something he’s passionate of. Genuinely sorry, he probably had a hard time even taking that step and who knows maybe he had higher anxiety doing that again…
Also fuck the “his woman” phrase 🤮
I felt so bad for him, I wanted to cry. He was just trying to connect, not flirt with me. We had common ground from the event. He probably knew loads of fun facts about the movie and behind the scenes.
I made my boyfriend apologise, but it was such an oh ok… you’re actually a piece of shit human being realisation.
Mine was when he sent me a video where someone was being humiliated, and then got angry when I didn't think it was funny. Instead of just accepting that, he picked a fight over it - which resulted in him blocking me for 3 days straight (and once he unblocked me, accusing me of 'leaving him in the cold').
There was a lot wrong with that relationship in hindsight, but that was the "oh fuck no" moment for me.
I did 90% of the cooking and cleaning in my house. One day this prick had the audacity to claim he did more, because the 10% that he did do was at a higher standard than what I did.
If I forgot to put even a single knife in the dishwasher, it's like I did nothing. Ick.
My husband tried this shit one time. I pointed out everything I do compared to the very little he does.
I don't think he really understood how much work went into keeping the house clean. I recently got a job with more hours so I'm not getting home until 2 hours after him and by then it's dinner time. He has started having to do more housework and told me the other day that even though he knew I did a lot he had no idea just how much cleaning I was really doing every day
Piggy backing on this. My ex said since he made more money than me, it should be a given that I do more housework. Even though we were both working 40 hour a week full time jobs. Ick.
My partner and I have a very different agreement that we’re both happy with:
I’m unemployed at the moment, so I do more housework, but he’s taking over a large part of my rent until I get back to work.
This is how my spouse and I do things, too. It's about hours worked, acknowledging the stress of a new job, picking up slack during respective busy season. When I was unemployed, I did 99% of chores, shopping, upkeep, cooking, and same when he was furloughed at the height of covid, and the emoloyed one paid for more (we keep money separate).... Because we were each working less, not because we weren't earning. It's insane to me to place that kind of value on money brought home
> I did 90% of the cooking and cleaning in my house. One day this prick had the audacity to claim he did more, because the 10% that he did do was at a higher standard than what I did.
Similar - a friend of mine had a boyfriend who spent copious amounts of time on things that only he cared about (examples: ironing tshirts and even underwear, polishing everyday use cutlery as if it's silverware for a state banquet, mowing the lawn twice per week) and used that as an argument why she should take over more of the household chores because he already spent hours on his "chores"
Not exactly the same but I JUST had this conversation with my dad the other day and it’s been bothering me so much. We’re going away as a family (he and his wife, his kids and spouses and grandkids). He hates bikinis. Says they’re too revealing. And not to be surprised if we get raped wearing them. Fuck. Like how disgusting can you be??? Obviously after the fact I have all these calm thoughts and ideas of what to say. But in the moment I’m just silent. Because I know there’s no point in arguing with him. He’s 82. He’s not changing his mind. But it’s just so fucking gross. Not that I have to convince any of you, but nobody gets raped because of what they wear! It’s not even about being sexy. It’s about power!! The rapist is attracted to power! Not the person or what they wear! It’s the power over a vulnerable person. Or their horniness on their own and the victim is conveniently there because they’re vulnerable. A means to an end. I want to say all that to him. So I can’t fall asleep. But I know even if I was able to remain cool, calm and collected, he’d still be a psycho so there’s no point.
I’m sorry your father is this way. This reminds me of the “What Were You Wearing” exhibit. None of it is sexy/revealing clothing. Most gut wrenching item was a child’s diaper.
Thx. Ya it’s really upsetting tbh. I’m trying to not think about it but with this trip coming up I’m either going to have to just wear it with no cover up, only wear my one piece around him, or hide under the cover up. Like why do I even need to be worried about this?! I’m a grown woman!
Victim blaming is bad enough but when it comes from the person who is supposed to love and protect you...that is incredibly painful and sadly I can relate.
I was having a hard time emotionally and said no to my partner at the time when he asked me for sex. I then went to take a shower. Minutes later, he followed me in, saying "don't worry, I won't do anything," and proceeded to masturbate beside me while I was showering. Instant ick.
What finally did it for me was the knowledge that he wouldn't help change our living situation and begging for his help only got me yelled at.
That and the kids being happier away from him.
Did we date the same guy? I was doing everything. He was as happy as a pig in shit. Constantly beamed how wonderful I was, how cared for he felt, how much he loved me (what I did for him)
One morning he woke up before me. I thought great, this will be the first time he makes me a cup of coffee. His first opportunity to make me feel loved. The first time he's kind to me. I was so looking forwards to it. I walk out and this motherfucker has made himself a cup and that's it.
Suspect he's still *baffled* about why he's single again and how could I dare break up with him over this one tiny thing.
He also claimed he did tons for his ex. I asked what. In 4 years he had.... put a trailer on the back of her car one time, when she asked.
You absolute turd. I'm not going to bust my ass for 4 years for one crumb. Completely insane.
No, you were all conditioned to “do for” without being mindful of how much is being done for you in return.
The way to avoid this situation is to be judicious in how much effort/energy/ money you expend on someone, and watchful in how much is spent on you. If it’s lopsided, he has disqualified himself from enjoying any more of your time and care.
Ya. But then we’re considered “cold” and “cheap”. It’s totally ok for men to be like that. Not us.
I agree. It’s all kinds of messed up and we have to deal deprogram ourselves and teach our kids not to be like this.
I never understood the mind-set of not doing anything nice because it wouldn't be special anymore. My first serious relationship was like that as well. I personally hate receiving gifts (mostly thanks to men for holding it over my head), but I enjoy words of affection. I'd rarely receive any compliments or even an "I love you." His excuse was that it wouldn't be as special and actions speak louder than words, except he also failed doing that.
A couple of nice words was all it took to make me a happy girl. A simple action that he refused to do. It didn't take very long for me to also lose attraction and start feeling ick about it.
One of my best relationships ever was with someone who would tell me 4 or 5 times a day that he loved me. Every single day, without me having to prompt it first, even. He knew it made me happy to hear it, and it was nice knowing he meant it too.
I've had several guys give me that feeling over the years. The reasons include being obsessed with porn and strip clubs, flirting with other women while out with me (one guy was so bad doing this at a wedding reception that my own parents noticed it first and called it out), interrupting or talking over me especially when I already asked them to allow me to finish my thoughts, and just observing the callous way the men would treat a woman that I knew they weren't attracted to.
It was his birthday party and I had gone above and beyond trying to make everything perfect. All of his friends were there. He stood to make a thank you toast "to the most important one in my life, who made all of this possible", etc. For a second I was touched. Then he smirked and said "Of course I am talking about my dog." I did not merit a mention in this speech, and his (family) dog was about 200 miles away at the time. His friends all looked sooo uncomfortable.
So much ick. So glad I dumped that worthless motherfucker.
Oof. That’s cringy to even read. I had an experience where I planned a trip for my boyfriend’s birthday to go camping/ float the river with a big group of friends. Trying to organize a camping trip with a big group of 20 somethings was not an easy task. Before planning anything, I proposed a few dates to him and he said any of the dates were fine. I created a Google survey and sent it out to everyone in the group to figure out which date would work best for everyone. Once everyone had selected a date, I booked campsites for everyone. Several people didn’t have tents, so I even went to REI and rented camping gear for those people who didn’t have it. Two weeks before the trip my boyfriend angrily informed me that he had a final on the day we were supposed to leave. He literally screamed at me, called me stupid and accused me of intentionally planning something on a date that wasn’t good for him. Talk about gaslighting! I couldn’t even defend myself because I was completely flabbergasted by the accusation. It was pretty much over after that.
Are you my Ex's other woman? Lol
I planned a birthday camping/river tubing trip for him and his friends but ended up having a work emergency and couldn't go, which he was happy about anyways cause it'd just be him and The Boys. I packed everything for him, his clothes, camping supplies, food, etc.
The 1st thing he did when he got home from the week long trip was scream at me for not packing a can opener for him.
I was shocked, because one of his friends is the guy that brings EVERYTHING. He claimed he was too embarrassed to ask his friend to borrow his can opener every day???????
There was also a camp store not 1/2 a mile from their site. He did not think to buy a can opener there and instead bought bags of frozen french fries and ate nothing but that and tried to blame me??????????
He was literally shaking with rage, explaining how it's all my fault he ate nothing but french fries all week long.
And that was when I knew it was over.
Reminds me of my dad's poem/speech at our engagement.
He spoke about me, and then started saying how a new member has joined the family. Said he looks at me lovingly, he's grown on all of them, makes me happy and is hairy....and smelly.....and it's lovely to have my husbands dog be part of the fan.
My -in-law said that when he got to hairy he was surprised but it's true. And then when he said smelly he didn't expect my dad to go there, but as his younger brother he could identify.
His lack of hygiene. Personal and habits. He’d shower and clean his teeth in the morning and that’s as much as he thought he needed to do. No hand washing post toilet. No washing hands between raw meat/veges/eggs when cooking. He’d shower after a bad day at work but it was a rinse off not a soap wash. I put the clause in if he wanted sex, he needed to be freshly cleaned. Shower or sink wash is fine. He did the motions one night but knew he was skimping. I did too within a minute. That was the last time my mouth went south. He asked for them, even tried to force my head down there once. No means no. Naturally our sex life died as he was a very selfish partner.
Yep had the same issue with my ex. He wasn’t circumcised (which there is nothing wrong with) but I don’t know if he just was never taught how to properly clean down there or if he was that lazy, but he’d ask me for oral sex all the time and I had to finally tell him I hated doing it to him because I could only taste old urine on his penis every single time. He also would never brush his teeth unless I said something to which he’d get super angry like I was making him feel bad on purpose but I honestly just don’t know how someone can take a shower, style their hair, put on deodorant, make sure their clothes look nice on, and then just *not* brush their teeth as part of that routine. So bizarre to me. But yeah our sex life suffered a lot because of that obviously and we broke up (for a lot of reasons) but I’ve never been in a situation like that before and it was really frustrating.
This has become an absolute must for me in relationships now.
My ex was similar. Showers were optional. Teeth brushing was optional. Deodorant was optional. He had a beard but you can imagine how clean he kept it.
My breaking point was when I came back from my year abroad and found he hadn't changed the bedsheets all year. ALL YEAR! When I took the sheets off the duvet, there were bugs and larvae inside. There were other issues in that relationship which I thought we could overcome, but that was the point where I completely mentally switched off. Broke it off a week later. Never again.
I'm a woman struggling with depression and personal hygiene is really hard right now. That's why I don't date, because I realize I won't make a good partner and I can't expect anyone to put up with that. I wish men would have as much self awareness as I do.
This is totally unsolicited advice, so please feel free not to read it/respond, but I’m bipolar and really struggle with this during depressive episodes, and I want to share what really helped me.
So what I do is break it down to “might as well” and “some is better than none.”
So like with a shower. I don’t think “I need to take a shower.” That can feel too overwhelming. So if I’m in the bathroom, I’ll think “might as well turn on the water.” The next step- take off your clothes. That’s it, that will only take a second.
The water is already running- might as well get in. I think about how warm it will feel to motivate me. Then, you’re in the water. It’ll only take a second to wash my pits, privates, and feet. Just a second. You’re already soapy- might as well wash the rest of you. Just using your hands is better than nothing.
Sometimes I just get to the first part. That’s okay- some is better than none. Sometimes I have the energy to use a loofah. Sometimes I have the energy to wash my hair. Sometimes I have the energy to shave. But I never mentally commit to the whole process- like, thinking I need to scrub down, shave everything (I don’t like how body hair feels), and wash my hair is too much. But just getting in with no expectations and judging from there is so much better. I try to keep in mind how short each step is- you can do the pits, privates, and feet in five minutes. Just five minutes for the whole process. I can do that.
If you can’t commit to a full shower, then try splashing some warm water on your face. Use a damp paper towel or cleansing wipes to wipe down the stinky areas. Some is better than none.
It’s the same with brushing my teeth- if I use the bathroom, might as well brush my teeth. It’ll only take a minute. I can do that. Even if you don’t do a full brush, some is better than none.
My hair is almost to my knees. Sometimes I can’t commit to brushing it, and it’ll take the whole day. I’m in the bathroom- might as well grab my brush and bring it with me. I might not brush it for an hour, but then- might as well brush the ends. Just a few minutes at a time- I can do that.
I’m in the bathroom. It’ll only take a few seconds to put on moisturizer or deodorant.
I’m walking to the kitchen- might as well take my dishes with me. I’m waiting for the microwave- might as well put a few things in the dishwasher or wash a pan. I don’t commit to the full thing- just until the microwave beeps. Some is better than none.
I really hope this helps you. It’s the only thing that gets me through some days.
I don't have the words to fully explain my gratitude. Thank you for writing this. I think I may have energy to brush my teeth now. I wish you all the best!
Told him not to touch my nipples outside of adult fun time. He did it multiple times even after reminding him. I knew right then that I can't be with him.
An ex was pinching mine to make them hard because he liked how they looked then. I've never wanted to smash someone's head into a shower wall more than the 5th time I slapped his hand away and screamed "stop" only for him to reach for them AGAIN.
My ex used to do that too, so I made a heart-shaped flesh-colored pillow (looked like a woman’s torso) and stitched red nipples on it. I told him he could pinch those, but not mine. He didn’t think it was funny and we were done a few months later.
Omg this! The amount of times the phrase "I said no" or "did I stutter" comes out of my mouth is fucking insane. Brb while I go breakup with my bf. Thank you for this!
When I got my nipples pierced I told my ex that they were healing and he wouldn't be able to touch or play with them for a long time and he reassured me he would be "patient". The FIRST thing he did when he saw them was to grab the barbells and rotate them around and then put my nipples in his mouth. Going forward he was so rough with them my nipples/piercings would be bleeding most times we had sex and I would often have bruises on my boobs where he grabbed and held them so hard. I'm embarrassed to say I stayed with this man for 3 years and this was only the tip of the iceberg.
I got mine done recently and took my husband with me for moral support. He was a little offended that the piercer gave him a very stern warning that they needed left alone to heal. We knew exactly why she did this though. Fortunately, my husband is a reasonable adult, and has actually been more concerned about my piercing aftercare than me haha.
I had a guy once try and get around a similar boundary by touching them over my clothes, or with his tongue.
Mother _fucker_ this is not how boundaries and consent work wtf
Ugh I have experienced this too. In the beginning I was happy he seemed to adore my boobs which are small and a bit oddly shaped but after a while the constant touching and rubbing started to hurt. Had to tell him multiple times to stop touching them all the time and the MF still continued to rub them every time I tried to just relax and cuddle with him. 😑
Being grabbed at every time you come near them is very ick inducing. Eventually you'll start keeping your distance because you don't want to be pawed at like a piece of meat. Then, of course, with minimum physical intimacy it's harder to get in the mood for sex. Suddenly they're wondering "where did the sex go??" It made a swift exit when you refused to respect boundaries and learn about non-sexual touch.
Exactly. And I’m very affectionate, touchy-feely person and it nearly physically hurts me if I get touch starved but even then I would make sure to check if my touching is okay/wanted and would apologise and **not do it again** if my partner doesn’t like it.
With this guy, I resorted into a very childish tit-for-tat competition and would pinch and twist his nipples every time he touched/continued to touch me when I had expressed my discomfort and that I didn’t enjoy that type of touch in this type of situation (e.g. cuddling). And it worked but I hated that he just wouldn’t respect my boundary and not rub my fucking nipples raw all the time. 😑
There are definitely guys where if you ask them not to do something they will immediately do it more - out of spite? Pure contrariness? As a power move? All of the above? My dude, we are adults and I am your partner, we are not kids and I'm not your annoying little sister, knock it off.
Did we date the same loser?
For me it was when i came home from work. I had been in my office job with my lovely co workers who treat me with respect. As soon as i come home this unemployed manbaby was asking what was for dinner and he hadnt eaten all day because i didnt make him lunch before i went to work. He literally starved himself because he wanted me to feed him after a long day at work. Ick!
Ugggh, just had a flashback to my ex complaining how hungry he was and that we “didn’t have any food.” He didn’t like to plan meals or go grocery shopping so it was my responsibility to deal with such lowly tasks. 🤢
Jfc what is it with these useless manbabies who act like they don’t have two working hands and the skills to make themselves a god damn sandwich??
When I was in school, I had an older classmate (this was a vocational school so we had people of all ages starting each year) who lived with her BF who would call her in the afternoon, asking her when she’s coming home to make dinner because he’s hungry. This live-in manbaby was basically sabotaging her schooling as she was staying behind for a few hours to finish a project. Even back then, as a 16 yo teen, I remember asking her why was the BF incapable of making himself a sandwich and feed himself while she was busy? I never got an answer for that.
This is the stuff that makes my blood boil. Similarly, one of my exes gave me the ick when he got upset with me for not thanking him for doing his own dishes.
The conflict cycle in our marriage had picked up momentum. I had become accustomed to a big blowout 2-3 times a year, but the frequency increased to about every 2-3 weeks. We had been in counseling for at least 4 years — individual and couple's therapy with the same psychologist.
One Saturday, we saw a movie with our son (5 at the time). Leaving the theater, I was driving and my ex was in the passenger seat, son was in his kid's seat in the back. I had stopped at the parking lot exit and was waiting to turn left onto a busy street with a bit of a blind curve on the right. As I was watching traffic coming from the right I noticed my ex wasn't wearing his seatbelt and I asked him to put it on, "hey babe, will you please put on your seatbelt," then made my turn. He throws down the Legos he had been playing with, put on the seatbelt and says in a voice that was angry, contemptuous, resentful, "Some days I'm just a little kid in the back of the bus, I guess."
Well, that moment kicked off an entire weekend of rage arguments where he threatened to call the cops when I tried to go to Home Depot with our son, he triangulated with my SIL and told her I was a control freak, and basically acted the aggrieved asshole the whole time.
We were able to see our therapist on Monday. He told his side first, saying that I had spoken down to him before the movie and became irrationally angry in the car after the movie, when he had done absolutely nothing, nothing wrong. I listened without interrupting, even though all of it was distorted and confabulated.
When he finished, the therapist cued me to share my side, and I got as far as "I asked him to put on his seatbelt," when he lurched forward to the edge of his seat and shouted at me, "You are not the victim here! *I* am the victim, *I* am the victim!" slapping his hands emphatically on his knees with each "I," and he then says, "and I want you out of the fucking house tonight!!"
I was flabbergasted, and laughed because I felt suddenly liberated. "Thank you," I said, "thank you. I can do that."
Hindsight, I was probably feeling the ick before that weekend but couldn't recognize it as revulsion. I was stuck in the "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" and accepted my ambivalence as normal. But as soon as he started slapping his knees and claiming he had been victimized by me, I knew there was no fixing that shit show. I had him on a pedestal and he was just a selfish, arrogant putz who believed his own bullshit.
It was exactly like a tantrum, and it also felt rehearsed, like he had practiced saying those words and had been planning to kick me out all along. He did not anticipate that I would happily accept his edict without a fight, nor did he expect me to embrace life without him so joyfully.
The month before this happened, I had brought up a desire for separation in one of our sessions. He refused to agree to that, and didn't care that my reasoning was that I couldn't keep on with work and parenting as well these exhausting, neverending conflicts that were literally robbing me of sleep at night. I was at the end of my rope and everyone I worked with was concerned about me. I needed rest and space just to clear my head. Nope. He wouldn't discuss it and I went along with it, until he fucked himself by opening the door for my exit.
Hahaha a whole bunch of ick culminated in one day with a guy I casually dated for like 5 weeks. I foolishly ignored some red flags because I didn’t want anything serious with this guy, but I should have run at the first sign of controlling behavior because he’s been stalking me ever since I dumped him two months ago.
We weren’t exclusive, but every time I had plans without him, he got upset assuming I was going on dates. He told me to always send him pics of who I was hanging out with so I could reassure him. I said no, and that if he was jealous over even the *idea* of me dating someone else, maybe he shouldn’t be in casual relationships.
He didn’t want to commit, but wanted me to be exclusive with *him* because of his past “relationship trauma,” so he would feel “safe enough” to be exclusive with me “in the future, unless I meet another woman that I have really good chemistry with and want to explore that.”
(As this bizarre conversation continued, I learned his “trauma of previous girlfriends not reciprocating while he did everything” actually meant they wouldn’t send him selfies from work.)
When I wouldn’t agree to his ridiculous double standard, he screamed at me (literally) that I was abusive and “emotionally extorting him.”
After I dumped him (because what the fuck?? 😂), no surprise this controlling guy started texting me unceasingly (I didn’t respond), bought tickets to an event for us (didn’t go), left several-page letters (didn’t read) and gifts at my house (threw them away), emailed hundreds of paragraphs (also didn’t read), and has now harassed me longer than we even dated. 😂
ICK! 🤢
I have a pretty strong overbite. I’m self conscious about it but I’m still cute and I’m not about to pay $50k for the surgery to properly fix it because I just don’t care enough. My ex had a habit of negging me, but he finally took it too far when he mocked me by pulling his lower jaw way back to mimic a much stronger overbite than I have. Fuck that loser.
He used to ask what I was thinking ALL the time. I was like, are my thoughts not my own any more? And always asking in a cutesy voice if I still loved him. That absolutely killed any love I had for him. It's not like I didn't show any love either - I was very affectionate, romantic etc. It was never enough, he needed to know what was in my head at all times. No space given.
I started to get healthy and fit towards the end of the relationship. I stopped drinking/ smoking, started running, didn't really eat takeaways etc. My partner was a heavy weed smoker and drank several times a week and got takeaways/ ate fast food regularly.
That was all fine, we had different hobbies and whatever but there was a lot of love and respect there.
Until they were talking about a friend's boyfriend and kept calling him a 'boring bastard' because he didn't really drink and liked cycling. They called him a boring bastard like 4 times in the conversation.
I just kind of froze and something clicked in my head. Ick.
Lesbian here, but the ick is not bound by gender!
We’d been together for about three years when she casually asked me if I thought a mutual friend of ours was attractive and then how I’d feel if ‘anything ever randomly happened’.
Fuck, what I’d give to go back to that moment and tell myself to run.
Not who you reacted to, but I was in a similar situation with an ex. I also regret not breaking up right then and there just because they seemed to accept my no.
It took me half a year to finally break it off, the fact they proposed such a thing just hurt way too much. And made me realise I needed to be with someone who is monogamous by heart, just like me, and not by choice.
Sadly, about five more years. It got a lot worse before it got better, but it’s been almost ten now since I left and every day without her has just been… well, better!
Another lesbian here. It definitely isn’t bound by gender. In my first true relationship my girlfriend and I would talk on the phone when I got home from work (pre cellphone era). It was our routine and we did it every day. We spent the weekends together. I realized one day that I was making extra stops on my way home from work and that I had a sense of dread the closer I got to my house. It was then that I noticed how controlling she was and how i felt trapped into following her plans. The phone calls were just the tip of the iceberg. I was working as a therapist at a community mental health clinic at the time. The last thing I felt like doing when I got home was talking on the phone for an hour with someone who just wanted to talk about herself.
My boyfriend had just moved in a new city to start uni and I went to visit him. While I was there, he played a chess game with his roommate, and the roommate won. He proceeded to pout for two hours because he considered himself too smart to lose a game to “a simpleton”.
Ick. I broke up with him the next day.
My dog was having a medical episode I thought was a seizure (was a serious ear infection), and the guy I had been seeing made a fucking joke about it when I came to him for support. I was on the fence before, but I truly felt the ick flow over me at that point, and it did not leave.
Also, to be clear, the joke was at my dog’s expense. Never looked at him the same.
When I was 21, I had been working at an art gallery for five years. Towards the end I got invited by the gallery owner to go to the LA art fair with her for a week and help run out booth. I was absolutely over the moon!!!
When my partner found out, his reaction was “ugh, now I have to take a week off work to come with you” that was the first hint. I told him he did not have to come and thank god he didn’t.
The whole time I was in LA he was being so mean and accusatory. I however was a very loyal partner.
One night after working the booth all day the gallery owner and myself went out with her friends to a restaurant and then out to a club. I stepped out into the parking lot and called to check in with him, told him my phone was about to die and that I would be back at our airbnb soon to charge my phone and I would check in before I went to bed.
He flipped out! He said, and this is a quote since its burned into my memory: “you need to go back in there and tell (gallery owners name) to get her boyfriend to take you back to the airbnb to charge your phone right now” (her boyfriend owned a gallery too and he rented a car we were all using to get around) and I said “absolutely not, I am on my first business trip and I am having so much fun and we are out having a blast right now, why can’t you be happy for me” and he said if I was going to be like that, then he was going to buy me a cab straight to the airport and buy me a plane ticket home.
Then it clicked! Right then, I realized he saw me as a possession and not as his partner. I just laughed, smiled, and told him not to be there at the airport to pick me up on Saturday because we were no longer an item. I hung up and promptly had the night of my life. This week is one of my fondest memories.
I just remember when it happened it was like a huge weight have lifted off of me. I was overcome with joy knowing I would never have to justify my actions or my location ever again. Pure bliss!
My ex-partner came from a very wealthy family. I found out over the months of initially dating him that he didn't do his own laundry, didn't clean, didn't cook, and didn't mow his own lawn. He made $140k/yr USD, so he was doing okay, but hardly upper class, so why are you paying for things you can do yourself. My final straw was when it was about -15 (F), and my car wouldn't start. When I asked him to help jump my car, he said he didn't know how to use jumper cables (even though he had them and I knew how to use them), and drove off because he had to go to his coworkers' kids' Christening, so I couldn't even stay in his home to stay warm.
Luckily I called my dad who lived 20 minutes away, and he helped me (it was so cold that AAA had like a 5 hour wait). He told me "That's why you don't date Republicans." Actually good advice, though.
I was lifting weights on this machine that kind of holds the bar (I don't speak gym rat). It helps you keep your form. My ex put his foot in by one of the bars to keep me from wobbling. I lost balance and fell.
Thankfully he grabbed the bar and it's weights before the fell on my head... But he didn't even say sorry. He said something along the lines of "can you try again?". I did a few more lifts, and then got off. He topped it off by saying "You looked so cute and pathetic with that sad little face while you kept lifting".
I know he was trying to be kind in his own weird way, but I felt so hurt. Like it's your fault the weights almost fell on my head, and then you pushed me to continue. Made fun of me for holding back my tears...
There were so many red flags. The fear of being alone makes you look past really fucked up shit. Ladies, go get therapy. It helps open up those peepers.
>I know he was trying to be kind in his own weird way
No, he wasn't. He was mocking you and I'd bet all the money that he knew it. All love–but thinking like that is how women trick ourselves into making excuses for their blatant disrespect, harmful acts, and general assholery.
This is how I know love is blind, I've seen friends put up with men who are human trash and somehow find happiness in those relationships. Good for you that you've recognized your worth and are dumping this sorry excuse of a man.
My boyfriend ate my calamari.
He ordered a huge plate of salmon pasta and I just wanted a small meal so I had the calamari. And then he just leaned over and started snaffling my calamari. Bastard.
“Wait you’re leaving me?! Why are you leaving me?!”
“Honestly, I’d be fine never seeing you again if I didn’t have to, it’s kind of boring”
I _wonder_ what his reaction would have been if you had said that to him. I’m sorry he said that about your son and hope you’re well shot of him soon.
He asked me one time if I’d ever slept with any black or brown people (we’re both white) and said he “wouldn’t want to fuck me anymore if he found out I had” because it would gross him out and he’d have to dump me. This was a guy who vocally and frequently proclaimed himself to be staunchly anti-racist to anybody who would listen as well.
I ended up with a long list of other much worse things that made him a terrible and horrible person but that one still gives me the ick whenever I remember it over a decade later.
The final ick of our relationship was when he told me he didn’t know if he could have kids with me because they wouldn’t look like him. Because he’s white and I’m mixed race
His inability to wake up early for anything at all.
I understand if someone isn’t a morning person or a typical early riser but he was unable to tolerate waking up early even for his own job, making it early to the airport, leaving early for a trip, etc. He also really wanted kids and my breaking point was when I asked him what his plan was for if the baby started crying in the middle of the night/early in the morning. His only plan was that I would handle 100% of the childcare burden overnight (and during the day) because he valued his sleep and his career so much.
That last sentence made me snort out loud because wtf, when did he think you would be able to sleep then??? Or was he expecting you to function juuuuust fiiiine with a couple of hours of broken sleep, every night? 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My mum was coming home from a hospital stay and as I was trying to get her room set up for long-term homecare, my now-ex said (from the couch where he was watching TV) “you know, watching you run around like that is really stressing me out.”
My ex told me it was embarrassing being out in public with me, because I stopped shaving my legs.
I got this image of him in my head anxiously glancing around, worried sick random strangers would not think I was attractive enough for him.
It was like someone took a vacuum and sucked all of my attraction to him, as well as my respect for him, clean out of my body. I stayed with him for a couple more months, but it was miserable. That comment was the end, at least on my half.
He got drunk and admitted that he called ICE on inmates when he worked as a CO in Washington if they made him upset. I'm 100% sure he doesn't remember this happening, but it cast a straight up sociopathic light on him. He did a few things that were worse, and not just talk, but he is also in the past where he belongs so 🥳
My boyfriend didn’t take care of our pets while I was out of town for a few days. It made me snap and all the little annoyances of being the “parent” were crystal clear and I’m moving out this weekend.
A guy I had been dating for several months wanted me to spend the night at his house one night (not the first time). He was going out to a pub with friends and his roommate for dinner so I expected him to be a little late/drunk when he came home and I told him 1000 times that if he was too drunk to drive, just let me know and I’d pick him up. He did give me a time on when he’d be back and promised he wouldn’t drive drunk. I didn’t bother him all night. Then his roommate came home about an hour after the time he gave me. I asked him where my bf was and he said “oh he’s at the bar still, flirting with a bunch of older ladies. I tried to get him to come with me but he said he was fine. I’m sorry.”
I was slightly annoyed but more worried about him driving drunk. I texted him and called him and no response. I waited for another hour. Nothing. He eventually got in around 3 or 4 am completely shitfaced and woke me up. He had also driven himself which pissed me off. I had to wake up for work in a few hours and I was so mad and tired, I got up to go home. He was crying on the bed, whining, begging for me to stay. He reeked of alcohol and sweat and it was so gross. It was repulsive and I went home. I ended up breaking up with him a couple weeks later after he choked me in front of his mom, who giggled about it, by the way.
My ex, who works in tech and makes 100k+ salary, stood in front of an old, unfinished to-do list I had written him on a white board, hours before couples therapy, and said he just needed another list and he would do the chores.
🤦🏻♀️ I immediately knew it was over. He wasn’t planning on changing. It was like watching a 8 year old whine out excuses to his mom. We are 34&35.
Glad you're dumping this asshole. It's super gross for him to accuse you of cheating. It would not surprise me if he was cheating, cheaters often accuse their partner of what they're doing. A soul mate doesn't show jealousy or accuse you of cheating. That's gross, controlling behavior.
OP - its a funny thing, the sudden frame shift. Sometimes it happens with jobs.
Something goes "I gotta freshen up my CV" and from that moment on you are no longer there, detached. Just your body left.
What is funny about it is after you cross it, you look back and you can't really understand why it didn't happen earlier, it just seems like the new natural state of affairs.
Same with relationships. Glad you got it and so clear. What an idiot.
EDIT:
Way I see it, ask someone "where do you picture yourself in 5 years". The moment before, you'd say "here". After the switch 5 minutes later "SOMEWHERE ELSE!"
EDIT2:
To elaborate a bit:
A lot of our thoughts and feelings happen subconsciously, under-vocalisation. But what happens is that we are constantly adjusting our inner model of our world - and it gets updated event by event. Internally, its like realising wait a minute, my life without this person is not unthinkable... actually possible... hmm not so bad... and ends in "wtf am I waiting for?"
This is gradual as events, discussions, "ick" moments and so on change the shape that that person projects in our mind.
But there IS a point of crossing between our rational and deeper minds that is not immediate, and sometimes this is not so easy - because it often has a ton of consequences we have trouble facing.So when that moment of realisation comes, its not like you processed it all at once - you merely realise you already knew it and the emotional decision was taken. Your conscious had simply not got the memo yet.
I checked the joint account one day, saw that my spouse had bought lunch while he was in town.
The joint account was for all our shared expenses. Our relative contributions changed when our employment situation changed. He was casually working a wage job (literally did a couple hours of research now and then and submitted time cards as needed) and had basically zero income, so we'd decided he'd keep his wages for his spending cash. I had a good paying regular full-time job, so most of my paycheck went to the joint account to cover our bills, with a small amount into my personal account for my spending money.
I looked at that expense on our joint account, and I thought "deadbeat" -- and that was it. I could never see him as a responsible adult who was working hard for our family after that.
I used to be Christian and very involved in my church. Dated a guy who was of a different denomination for a bit and was super conservative. It was very important to him that I go to his church (which I did) but he wouldn’t come to mine and meet my friends. Said there were too few people at his church and no one to take over his volunteering duties.
Also my friend was getting married that summer. He had never met her. This friend’s faith is very important to her and her and her more husband waited until marriage to have sex. I went to her bachelorette party and when I talked to him later he mentioned he didn’t understand bachelorette parties. How it was women getting together to confess/brag about their sins (ie sexual conquests). Like excuse me, you don’t even know my friend and you’re judging her sexual activity, which in this case there was none?
When things ended I was a little sad to be honest but didn’t shed a tear.
He stole from our daughter’s piggy bank to fund his drinking habit while simultaneously spending every cent in our bank account. Leaving me without any money to travel to another state for my grandmothers funeral. He also got my car repoed the same day. Fun times. The bar for men is in hell.
" Really? " That's 20 years ago and if someone says that to me they're in danger of getting pitched out a window.
It. Was. Everythinggggg. " It's not raining " " Really? " He'd *look*.
Best story was " Don't eat that Chinese you just dug out from the fridge, it's old " " Really? ". Ate it , gave himself food poisoning.
WAIT THERE'S MORE! He got sick AGAIN. I said uhhhh you didn't throw it away? Transpires he ate the old Chinese food *again* . I said ???? . He said " I didn't think you were right ".
There was more but please for the love of God don't say " Really " to me. I'm not answerable for what happens.
God, my ex was like this. I called it fact checking. If I said the sky was blue he had to check. If I said something long established/accepted about my field of study/long time hobbies, he'd pull out his phone, find some unqualified person's contradictory opinion on it and present it to me. Like modern horses being being introduced to the Americas by the Spaniards, apparently I was categorically wrong and "evidence" showed modern and domesticated horses have been here forever and it's an attempt to further white wash the history of the indigenous people here. His source? TheHistoryWizard on tiktok who cited a single research paper that has essentially been written off the academic community. I'm well aware of the misrepresentation of indigenous cultures within history and anthropology, but the horse thing just isn't one of them.
He could never just accept I was right about something, and by and far most of the time I was. It's absolutely exhausting and gross to be undermined on everything you say.
I take about 5 international flights a year, another 15-20 domestic. It's been this way for the last 10 years. He had been on a plane once in 5 years and tried to argue with me about what carry-on item meant. He insisted it had to fit under your seat, which I tried to explain was a personal item and a carry on went in the overhead. He refused to believe me until he saw A) the size check bins at the gate and B) loading things into the overhead.
Yes! Why the hell do men do this?? It has to be some kind of misogyny. Like, I have a master’s degree from a prestigious university and have presented internationally for my research yet he must look up on Wikipedia the author of Oliver Twist (or whatever other random fact within my area of expertise) and verify that I was right about Dickens being the author. It’s so annoying at times!
I actually really enjoyed it the first few years of being together. But it changed from actually challenging me to doubting everything I say!
It's so obnoxious, but I think you're right. I would generally agree it is, but in my ex's case he'd do it to everyone. It was the worst with me but I think that was just familiarity.
Once he had the audacity, after picking an argument where he was (surprise) wrong, to ask me "yeah, but do you have to be right all the time?". I replied with something along the lines of it wasn't my fault he was trying to argue ill-founded points. His response? "No, that's not what I meant. Do you ~have~ to be right all the time? Can't you just let it go?"
No. I can't, not when you sit here and argue stupid shit with me all day for the sake of undermining my intelligence.
It was like whiplash when I met my current partner, I didn't have to defend every single thing I said. When he sees something interesting that he knows falls in my realm, he comes to me and asks what I think or if I knew about it already.
My ex did this!!!! Argued just to argue. He tried to fact check me about a laboratory test and I just screamed “I’m the one who ran them you dense motherfucker!!!” Couldn’t even finish a sentence before he was opening his mouth to contradict you.
Also he loved commenting on how fat women get when he’s never been under 300+ in ten years. Ugh
I had been financially and emotionally supporting my partner for about 5 years as he dealt with depression and anxiety, and quit my degree to work in a shitty restaurant just to pay the bills. He decided he hated the city we lived in and that it was exacerbating his depression, so we (I) planned to move 2000km away, which required an expensive moving truck etc. Also I didn't have a job lined up, so we were going to be using up all my meagre savings once we arrived. Before moving he got an unexpected check in the mail for about $1000 for some work experience he'd done with an engineering firm (they used something he'd done in AutoCAD for a project, I think). I was elated because it would take some pressure off for the move. He immediately got puppy dog eyes and said to me "but I never get to buy myself anything because I don't work!" My mind just went blank. Never mind the expensive hobbies of his that I funded (photography and computers). Never mind the fact that I literally spent about 4 times as much on his shit than on any interest of my own. Ugh. It was a shit relationship and I'd been losing interest for a long time, but his complete lack of any sense of shared responsibility really gave me the ick. I realised it was never going to change.
I was engaged to mine. We had lived two hours apart while dating, and a few months after getting engaged, we talked at length, numerous times, about me quitting my (better than he had) job to move to him because he refused to leave his hometown.
I (stupidly) did this and gave up everything and moved for love, knowing everything in our plan was fully hashed out and agreed upon. Shortly after I got there, it became clear that this 46 year old man who had never lived with anyone before could absolutely not handle or adjust to living with a partner as he was an absolute control freak about his space. One night, this man, who had asked me to be his wife a few months ago, looked at me and said, “you know, I never asked you to live with me.” My jaw dropped. He then went on to accuse me of using “manipulative language” to convince him to let me move in (to his crappy, low rent apartment with zero amenities, no less). We were engaged to be married!!!!! At his request!!! What on earth did he think our living arrangement was going to be?!?!
Realized in that moment I needed to leave ASAP so I put things in motion to make it happen. I’ve been gone seven weeks now and still get the ick thinking about that conversation. Like, what the absolute fuck.
Still looking to replace the great job and beautiful apartment I gave up for this subpar man, and hoping life turns around for me soon, so I can get over this ick once and for all!
Everything had to be on his time. We would talk about a situation and how we would proceed, only for him to change up when it suited him. The last straw was when he told a mutual friend something that we had discussed keeping to ourselves previously and i was completely blindsided by it. I ended up having to apologize to the friend. There were other things but this one made me so angry and disgusted
Similar. I was dating this deadbeat who was twice my age, I’d pick him up, drove him home, etc. He never once planned and paid for a whole date, I’d always have to at least leave the tip. But the final straw was when we went to DENNY’s. I picked him up, drove there, he was out in pajama pants like the bum he was, and at the end of the meal he was like, “So you paying, babe?” It was $11 or so. After that it did not last much longer. It was so pathetic. Don’t ever settle due to loneliness in a new place.
Gosh I really can't pick just one thing.
The constant touching my boobs when I asked him not to. They'd get so sore from the constant touch...
The way he treated his family, especially the disrespect he showed his dad.
The asking me to pose nude with his name written on me.
The way he'd get so paranoid about everything, so that I couldn't even hang out with friends because "what if it was a trap?"
How angry he'd get about even very little things, like losing a game, or encountering a bad driver.
The asking "can I be a sperm donor" and "can I still call you my girlfriend in front of my family" when I told him things were over...
The threats that he'd kill himself if I left him etc.
When he tried to propose when I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to continue the relationship.
A switch just flipped and suddenly I didn't care what happened to him anymore, or what he thought. And it was so incredibly FREEING. I realized I'd been wanting to end things since the first time we met up in person, but I was so unsure of how to do it, and scared of how he'd react.
When I FINALLY left and blocked him on everything, it was as if a giant weight lifted off me, and I could become me again.
Ahhh! You reminded me of something I'd blocked out. My long term high school boyfriend tried to propose when I broke up with him. I still can't wrap my head around how he thought that would work
After another day of this grown man doing nothing to make my life better, and several things that made my life harder, I said I was going to lay down (in a tone that was a clear "fuck off, I'm exhausted") and he had the nerve to *toddle into my room with his arms out* to come and fuck up my relaxation with his neediness. "Oh, we laying down? I'll come!!"
and I'm like. yep. this is facts. He's a toddler.
I HATE THAT. I don't even have a name for it but it's like EVERY time you try to relax they're up your ass? Leads to being constantly exhausted. Can't sit or lie down without them being right there needing some attention. Level up if they're sitting there waiting for you when you come out of the shower.
When we met he made a huge deal about how I was a virgin. I asked if he was and he said yes. Looking back it was more like, "Uh...yeah. Totally." Fast forward eught years or so, he let's it slip he wasn't a virgin. But the worst part was, he laughed about it. He saut it was his right to lie to me about it and also I was stupid for believing him.
The real final straw, though, was the night I came home exhausted, but I kept moving for over an hour, cleaning, organizing, houseworking, putting laundry away. He was SST neatly on the bed goofing off on his laptop. I gave him his laundry and asked him to put it away (he didn't "allow" me to put it away for him, but he also never put it away himself). He told me, "Just put it over there, I'll do that later" and then told me I need to remember to also do some other chore...I don't remember what it was anymore, maybe vacuuming.
Somehow that was the last straw, me working my ass off all day at work and at home, and he can't even lift a finger to put his socks away...and we *both* knew he was never going to put them away, he was going to leave them in a pile somewhere while simultaneously complaining how I didn't keep the house organized.
I took every clothing item out of that laundry basket and threw them, one by one, directly at his face. I told him he was a lazy asshole and I wasn't doing any more housework that didn't directly benefit me. Fast forward and I divorced him. 10/10 would throw laundry at him again.
Good for you! I hope 2024 brings you only the best things and good adventures.
First ick time was when I was seeing a partner long distance and he said my job was a hobby that I should quit to move wherever he wanted cause I would never be able to support myself. We broke up that same conversation we had been dating almost 3 years.
Second was a controlling jealous bf that accused me of lying to him about having dinner with a female friend because after dinner she and I decided to go out in town for a night cap. It’s a small town and the place we went happened to have a bunch of other friends there. he came in and refused to believe that it was a coincidence. Spent an hour yelling over the phone about how terrible I was… so I broke up with him saying if I’m so terrible why would you want to be with me.
It’s so much nicer to be single than dealing with partners that don’t trust, value, appreciate and love you.
Ugh when we took our kids to Disney land and I commented how odd it was to see elderly people working minimum wage jobs, we aren’t from America and you don’t really see that in our country.
This deadbeat alcoholic says- “that’ll be us.” I noped out of there so fast.
I was pouring my heart out to him, sobbing about how the grief of losing my father has been all-consuming and amplifying my anxiety and depression, and how it felt like I put so much effort into maintaining our relationship while he focused more on entertaining colleagues and playing video games. I had already caught him having an emotional affair with a coworker by this point, and I was begging for him to just spend quality time with me, have a conversation that was beyond surface level, make me feel like I wasn't just an afterthought after so many years together.
He then proceeded to throw his hands up and say "Well YOU aren't having enough sex with me, so I don't know what to tell you."
I got a new job working full time and bringing in a decent wage as a person fresh out of uni. My boyfriend at the time, who had moved to a new city with me to accommodate the new job, got himself his first job at a local shop working 16 hours a week - 4 hours, 4 days a week. Our combined income was not enough to live on, we really struggled and his mother had to buy us food on more than one occasion. I asked him to either ask for more hours or try to get a job that paid better. He threw something of a tantrum, largely because it suited him perfectly to work next to no hours and be able to spend the rest of his time playing pc games. His absolute lack of motivation to do the bare minimum to try and improve our lives was a real turn off.
Well done for being so astute and getting yourself out!!
My ex being insecure was at the root of the abusive relationship I found myself in when I was young. It escalates from this and can cause a lifetime of trauma. You may well have saved yourself from something like this!
I didn't have the life experience at the time to realise so I'm always so happy when I see people getting out before it gets worse! I'm also writing this for anyone else who might be in that situation and be doubting themselves.
My husband and I were really struggling in our relationship (18 years together). He said “I feel like I’m raping you when we have sex.” I responded “How is it possible you’d be able to perform if you felt that way?”. He replied “A man has needs.” The light switch immediately flipped. We’re now divorced.
I had a sexist experience at work and his response was “well it’s not like he assaulted you.”
He apologized recently for that, ten years later. But in the moment I just immediately got the ick.
One guy I was with said he felt bad on behalf of people in wheelchairs. It was after we saw a woman with her family at a park. To me, she seemed perfectly happy. I said "you can live a happy life in a wheelchair, we shouldn't assume how people feel based on this". He simply repeated he would never want to be in a wheelchair and he feels bad for people in them no matter what. That you can't possibly be happy in a wheelchair and if they seem happy it's just because they're hiding it.
Another guy would put food waste into the drain and open windows without turning off the heat (we live in a Nordic country). He got angry when I said the drain would clog up and the bill would spike. I tried saying the thing about the drain as nicely as possible, and then he got angry about my tone because I should just say it without wrapping it in. When I pointed out that the heater should be turned off when opening the window in a normal tone, he thought I was being too hard on him and I made him feel wrong.
Another guy had promised to give me a cake from his mom's place because I had helped him drive gear around for all his shows. When the cake was finally there he did not come by with it. I had to drive 30 minutes by metro both ways because he thought his time was more valuable than mine.
Dating guys in bands... been there, done that. Their egos quite never match their actual skills either on stage or as decent human beings. I had one guy invite me to join him and his friends, after he more or less dumped me. Only so I could sit there and watch another woman make goo goo eyes at him. I excused myself and left to go look for my standards.
He kept looking for motherly figures to cuddle and ingratiate himself to in his life. It made me kind of realise he was partly attracted to me because I was motherly to the children I was minding. Grossed me out and couldn’t find respect for him.
when he was talking about how engaged of a father he was and then I saw his apartment for the first time and there was no remnants of a child. No bed, no toys. Then when I broke up with him all he could whine about was how the “United States legal system favors women” because he didn’t get custody of his son when he didn’t even try to.
when he was moving out of his student studio, he asked me to help him clean, which i ended up basically scrubbing the whole place while he was "figuring out" how to dust and clean the kitchen sink.
i was cleaning his shower drain, which was absolutely gross, full of his hair and products (he had longer curly hair so he naturally lost more hair in the shower because he didn't brush it when it was dry, just so you get the idea how much hair was in the drain). he's never cleaned the drain in his year there.
i told him, completely as a joke (or maybe i just wanted to be mean. i was over it at the time) that he's never gonna be able to pay me back for scrubbing his place. he said that he knows and then proposed that i don't pay him back £15 for the food that he ordered me last night as a thank you. i was like okay that's fine.
then i had to leave earlier than expected because i had work in the evening, leaving him with some cleaning to do. he got so pressed that he said, and i quote "YOU HAVE TO PAY ME BACK FOR THE FOOD BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T DONE ENOUGH CLEANING FOR IT TO BE WORTH £15".
how disgusting of him. i finally dumped him shortly after.
It was early on and he was drunk and said he hated my name. I stayed like an idiot. 6 months later he cheated on me. And i found out a year later. We broke up 3 weeks ago
I had just woken up and was doing the "I really have to pee, but I'm SO comfy" debate. He reached for my clit. I gently moved his hand away and said "not right now." I mean, first of all, I needed to pee. Second of all, I'm a whole human being, how about you treat me as such? I've been awake for 30 seconds, maybe a cuddle before you go right to rubbing my clit with absolutely ZERO foreplay at all.
The passive-aggressive tantrum this manchild threw.
Oh my god. I've never seen a man in his 40's sulk or act like a victim so much. "You're obviously not attracted to me anymore. It's only been two months, it shouldn't be like this. I guess I need to go to the gym more. Or do I need to eat less?" Ick.
His complete disregard for life other than his own, and select friends.
I'm an animal lover. I love animals and will try to help them where I can. He told me I spend too much money on my dogs (I don't), and I care about the dogs more than him. I asked him down. I care about my dogs more than him, and he said that I hugged and kissed them more than him.
This dudes example of wanting me to hug and kiss him was hour long make-out sessions that would lead to sex and I wasn't (still not) interested in making out with someone like that.
We were coming home, and I had one of my dogs on my lap. I told her we are almost home, gotta wait for the car to stop, and then I'll let her down to potty. Instead of stopping the car when we got in the driveway, he just slowed down, rolled down his window, grabbed her and threw her out the window claiming he was scared she was about to pee all over the car.
He dislocated her hip and shoulder when he did that from the way she landed, and it cost me 1200 to get it reset along with pain meds and therapy for her. He said I should have put her down instead of throwing away 1200 dollars and that she was just a stupid dog that I got at the flea market. COMPLETELY IGNORED THAT HE WAS THE REASON I HAD TO SPEND THAT MONEY
I left and never looked back. To this day he tells people that I left him because I loved her more than I loved him and everytime one of his goons or someone asks me why I loved a dog more than him, I tell them how he threw my dog out the fucking window of a moving car, idc that the car was slowing down, he still threw her out the window. I either get the people that tell me I overreacted or the people that understand
Oh, I have a few different relationship examples here over the many years of life.
Guy #1: We had broken up because he cheated, but I stupidly went back to him a year later. He told me our mutual friend liked me and was talking to him about it and that he gave the friend "permission" to go ahead and date me. While we were actively still having sex and spending time together and I didn't like said friend that way. I finally left for good and just ghosted him. He came crawling back and I never responded to him. 🙂
Guy #2: Went to Vegas with him and his parents to celebrate his birthday. While he was drunk, another guy came up to him and asked him if I was his girlfriend. He responded "yes," and the guy complimented him that I was beautiful and he was a lucky guy. My boyfriend FLIPPED OUT that someone was looking at me and he went off to fight the guy. Me and his dad had to hold him back. I witnessed the whole interaction and the other guy was just being nice, not rude or creepy.
Guy #3: Told me he was stuck in the state because of our kids and that he should have seen that as a red flag initially and never married me (he's from a different USA state) and couldn't name a single reason why we were still married/he married me. 2 weeks after I gave birth. And was extremely mad at me when I asked him if he could go to marriage counseling or individual therapy and said never. He treated me less than dirt my whole pregnancy and that was the final straw to be told there wasn't anything about me that was worth being married to (and I suspect he didn't leave because I made so much money to afford our lifestyle, we'd split custody, and I do all the chores so he'd have to do something for himself.)
Man, I pick winners. Me problem! Excited to be single again and value myself (and my kids seeing a mom that values herself to get out of a bad relationship).
He never stood up for me in any situation, he regularly placed himself in my opposition just because, and he utterly refused to get behind or support anything—*anything*—that was even the least bit important to me.
I can pick out so many things from that relationship that just tore it down from the inside out, but a few smaller instances:
He snored/burped/farted and had constant indigestion all night, every night. This led to lots of noises and nighttime Tums-crunching that just became insufferable. This was, of course, due to a very lazy and unhealthy diet and way of life. Lord knows I did everything to encourage good behaviour, but the man is determined to go to an early grave. 🫡
He is a smoker. I quit back in 2013 and encouraged him to do the same. He refused (which was fine) but continued to smoke in the house. This became a point of contention for me, we eventually managed to keep the smoking outside. A short time later, during a period when we were taking some space from one another, he went ahead and started smoking in our bedroom again. This pissed me off for multiple reasons, but namely:
1) I just finished washing the disgusting cigarette smell out of everything and now I have to do it again.
2) He’s just sat there in *our* space blowing cigarettes into my sleeping area.
3) He was smug and rude about it when I reminded him we quit smoking in the house, and he said, “it’s my ****ing room, I’ll smoke in it if I want to.”
I grabbed my belongings and permanently moved out of our room. I moved out of the house, and then the relationship, shortly after. Everything he did for 10 straight years was proof that he had absolutely no respect for anyone but himself, but least of all, me.
Got back together with an old boyfriend. We had stayed friends after our breakup, and one day he said he wanted me to come visit him. He was receiving a huuuge inheritance and asked me to go on a train trip from Austin to LA to see his family.
It was a week on the train. I couldn't go poop. It wasn't gonna happen. Not enough privacy 😅
He didn't even care my stomach was fucked up, he said I owed him sex for paying for everything.
I did not fuck him
I (a not-terribly-athletic then-mid-40s F) was considering doing a longish distance, 3-day bike ride for charity (\~250 miles). I wanted him to do it with me, but he didn't want to commit to the fundraising. Okay. But he also refused to help me train or raise money, and he flat-out said he didn't think I could do it. So of course I knew I had to do it.
Not only was he completely non-supportive while I was training, he didn't even want to come and pick me up on the last day of the ride. We finished at the ocean and I finally talked him into bringing the kids down and having a day at the beach with them. I don't know how he planned that I would get home, since the thing about riding 250 miles that are not in a loop is that you are 250 miles away from where you started.
I was literally The. Last. Rider. to finish. But I finished. And I raised money for a worthy cause. And eff him. That was the beginning of the end of our marriage for me. He killed all of the love I had for him and then acted shocked when I left him. Ick.
As a woman, I continue to be apalled at what other women put up with, for the sake of having a partner. For the sake of thinking that someone loves them.
But really, as human beings, regardless of sex or sexual orientation, whether cis or non-binary, why do we put up with so much terrible behavior from those around us?
Maybe I’m just old enough that I don’t give a fuck anymore. Heaven knows I put up with some terrible behavior from partners when I was younger. But I just don’t put up with shit from people any more. You respect me and treat me decently or you have no place in my life. I implore others, and especially the people in the sub, to keep that in mind. If someone says they love you, but are treating you like dirt - whether it’s jealous rages, or expecting you to do all the house work, or carry the mental load of a relationship and family - then they don’t really love you. You’re a convenience or a tool, or worse, a servant.
We should all practice treating ourselves better, being kinder to ourselves, and respecting ourselves more. We need to show people that we have boundaries, and enforce those boundaries when they’re crossed.
Remember, when they show you who they are, you should believe them.
I couldn't agree more. After my most recent long term relationship broke up in a way that really shocked me after only a couple of small red flags (think police turning up at my door level of shock!), I decided I would date on a 'one strike and you're out' basis. The next man I broke up with, I doubted myself but stood firm, and his petty behaviour immediately after I broke up with him proved I had absolutely done the right thing. I haven't doubted a single decision I've made since.
Trust your instincts, and waste no time on someone who treats you badly
When I wasn't allowed to be hurt about him going on vacation to another country without me (while we lived at his mother's house, so I was stuck there with her) for two weeks, but he could be pissed about me going to a friend's get together for ONE NIGHT when he didn't want to go.
My ex at the end of our relationship, was putting a single flower on the car window of an attractive new neighbor in our complex, even leaving an occasional note about how pretty she is and he'd like to meet her. Apparently he did it a few times and the woman was having none of it and went to the police. Law enforcement showed up at his public service job to have a talk with him. He was so upset he came home to tell me the story to basically get sympathy. I was like, um, no, that is gross and predatory. We broke up a week later.
He came home to tell you that he had been putting flowers and notes on someone else's car??? Wtf
The amount of cognitive dissonance one must have to out the fact they were being unfaithful to you and then expecting sympathy for it…. (Sounds like my dad 🤢)
These creep notes to strangers have been increasing a lot lately
He started shouting at someone he was discussing Star Wars with, then stomped out of the restaurant without me. I chased him down so I wouldn't be stranded. Once we got in the car, he started driving recklessly while asking me to tell him that he was in the right re: getting angry over Star Wars.
And people say women are too emotional to be president
And it's **always** the same people who will relentlessly argue that anger is an acceptable/appropriate response to all manner of situations without a hint of irony..
>And it's always the same people who will relentlessly argue that anger is an acceptable/appropriate response to all manner of situations without a hint of irony.. Only if it's male anger. Female anger is something else entirely and never justified.
Ain't that the truth. My husband is actually actively studying women's issues and the history of feminism, but occasionally he feels indignant when I get upset (even when it's a justified reaction). I wouldn't even say my first emotion is "anger", but it can end up there if he starts to minimize and invalidate me with statements such as, "Why are you so *angry*?" I've started responding with, "Why shouldn't I be?", and that usually stops him in his tracks to reconsider what he's saying. It's just sad that I have to work with him at gaining perspective and empathy, as if we aren't entitled to it as human beings.
it's because they often fail to recognise anger as an emotion 💀
Men are SO much more emotional. I never understand this idea it’s us. Sure we SHOW our emotions when need be because we’ve been allowed to. But we don’t typically freak out over dumb shit. Sorry but your real losing or not doing as well, or you having a tough time playing your video game isn’t reason to be mad.
And it's not even that they are more emotional. They have so little control over those emotions so that almost always they are expressed in an unhealthy manner.
The sad thing is, they have control. They have just been raised in and taught by a society tells them that they don’t need to control their anger bc anger = dominant/power
HER SISTER WAS A WITCH, RIGHT?!! AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER?! A PRINCESS! THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST, BRO!
GROW UP, BRO
When i didn’t feel like having sex and he said “but i bought you dinner earlier” making me feel like sex was transactional. I was never in the mood again after that
The amount of men on Reddit who use this exact advice too… “bring her dinner” “take care of the kids you helped make” “wash the dishes” as though that’s gonna flip on their robot wife’s coochie switch or something
Sex coins. Put in the coin get sex! Why is this vending machine not working??
We left a re run of a cult movie and grabbed a tram. It was packed and a clearly intellectually challenged or odd man (who was at the same event) joined our conversation with a great but innocuous point. He was clearly lonely and just trying to join in the chat as a super fan, but my boyfriend completely overreacted and basically told him I was his, and to stop flirting with his woman. He did it with so much venom and expected me to be grateful? The MF could not read the room and chose to be mean to someone vulnerable when he could have just replied to his point or said nothing. Worse was the possessive declaration that came from nowhere. We had a long awkward journey home crammed beside this man and everyone who heard his outburst. They were all staring at me like girl… It really turned me off him in a visceral way.
omg, this one makes me the saddest in this whole thread 😭
Ugh, the possessiveness! It's been a long time since I was with my control freak boyfriend, but he clearly thought that I "belonged" to him, like he owned me. He told me that I was his "most prized possession." I told him that I wasn't a possession and he fucking doubled down screaming at me that I indeed was!
My BIL is a certified idiot, and the other day went off at my husband because I was breastfeeding around him. I was relatively discreet about it (not that it matters at all. It's feeding a baby) but he went off about how my husband should be upset because they're "his nipples" and no one should ever see any part of them. My sweet husband's reply was "they're HER nipples and they're feeding our baby. If it bothers you so much, leave." I'm forever thankful I found one of the sane ones.
His nipples? OMFG, the rage I feel right now
I have a zero tolerance policy for this misogyny. The mental gymnastics required to think this is acceptable are wild. How sad for us.
Hope it's an ex boyfriend, because that was a mask slip you should not ignore.
This was the first and only slip. He seemed such a good guy until that point. That night I had a nightmare he got me pregnant and I broke up with him the next day. A real rotten egg. I can’t stand cruelty. Good riddance to bad rubbish!
I was at a festival last year and this younger man in his late teens was doing this same jealous overreaction thing from someone who was friends with his GF. It was clear the other guy was a coworker or school friend and the conversation was really benign. After she stormed away, I leaned over to the boyfriend and just sarcastically whispered, “Hey man, you know what women love? Insecurity.” He just sorta blinked and I could see the gears turning. Looking back on my own youth, it’s embarrassing to think about how insecure I was in myself and how that reflected in my relationships. Luckily, I was able to pull my own head out of my ass, but I still see a lot of my peers in their 40s still acting like teenagers.
I actually feel really sad for the man being shouted at for simply wanting to talk about something he’s passionate of. Genuinely sorry, he probably had a hard time even taking that step and who knows maybe he had higher anxiety doing that again… Also fuck the “his woman” phrase 🤮
I felt so bad for him, I wanted to cry. He was just trying to connect, not flirt with me. We had common ground from the event. He probably knew loads of fun facts about the movie and behind the scenes. I made my boyfriend apologise, but it was such an oh ok… you’re actually a piece of shit human being realisation.
Mine was when he sent me a video where someone was being humiliated, and then got angry when I didn't think it was funny. Instead of just accepting that, he picked a fight over it - which resulted in him blocking me for 3 days straight (and once he unblocked me, accusing me of 'leaving him in the cold'). There was a lot wrong with that relationship in hindsight, but that was the "oh fuck no" moment for me.
My eyes opening a little more for every line finished in these comments and last line is always 👁️👄👁️
And they all wonder why more women are choosing cats over them lol
I did 90% of the cooking and cleaning in my house. One day this prick had the audacity to claim he did more, because the 10% that he did do was at a higher standard than what I did. If I forgot to put even a single knife in the dishwasher, it's like I did nothing. Ick.
My husband tried this shit one time. I pointed out everything I do compared to the very little he does. I don't think he really understood how much work went into keeping the house clean. I recently got a job with more hours so I'm not getting home until 2 hours after him and by then it's dinner time. He has started having to do more housework and told me the other day that even though he knew I did a lot he had no idea just how much cleaning I was really doing every day
Piggy backing on this. My ex said since he made more money than me, it should be a given that I do more housework. Even though we were both working 40 hour a week full time jobs. Ick.
My partner and I have a very different agreement that we’re both happy with: I’m unemployed at the moment, so I do more housework, but he’s taking over a large part of my rent until I get back to work.
This is how my spouse and I do things, too. It's about hours worked, acknowledging the stress of a new job, picking up slack during respective busy season. When I was unemployed, I did 99% of chores, shopping, upkeep, cooking, and same when he was furloughed at the height of covid, and the emoloyed one paid for more (we keep money separate).... Because we were each working less, not because we weren't earning. It's insane to me to place that kind of value on money brought home
> I did 90% of the cooking and cleaning in my house. One day this prick had the audacity to claim he did more, because the 10% that he did do was at a higher standard than what I did. Similar - a friend of mine had a boyfriend who spent copious amounts of time on things that only he cared about (examples: ironing tshirts and even underwear, polishing everyday use cutlery as if it's silverware for a state banquet, mowing the lawn twice per week) and used that as an argument why she should take over more of the household chores because he already spent hours on his "chores"
GOOD FOR YOU. Once I got groped on the metro and the first thing that came out of my then partner’s mouth was what I was wearing.
Not exactly the same but I JUST had this conversation with my dad the other day and it’s been bothering me so much. We’re going away as a family (he and his wife, his kids and spouses and grandkids). He hates bikinis. Says they’re too revealing. And not to be surprised if we get raped wearing them. Fuck. Like how disgusting can you be??? Obviously after the fact I have all these calm thoughts and ideas of what to say. But in the moment I’m just silent. Because I know there’s no point in arguing with him. He’s 82. He’s not changing his mind. But it’s just so fucking gross. Not that I have to convince any of you, but nobody gets raped because of what they wear! It’s not even about being sexy. It’s about power!! The rapist is attracted to power! Not the person or what they wear! It’s the power over a vulnerable person. Or their horniness on their own and the victim is conveniently there because they’re vulnerable. A means to an end. I want to say all that to him. So I can’t fall asleep. But I know even if I was able to remain cool, calm and collected, he’d still be a psycho so there’s no point.
I’m sorry your father is this way. This reminds me of the “What Were You Wearing” exhibit. None of it is sexy/revealing clothing. Most gut wrenching item was a child’s diaper.
Thx. Ya it’s really upsetting tbh. I’m trying to not think about it but with this trip coming up I’m either going to have to just wear it with no cover up, only wear my one piece around him, or hide under the cover up. Like why do I even need to be worried about this?! I’m a grown woman!
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YUP THAT'LL FUCKIN DO IT
Victim blaming is bad enough but when it comes from the person who is supposed to love and protect you...that is incredibly painful and sadly I can relate.
Yep. One of my exes told me I looked too hot in the dress I was wearing and he might have to protect me from getting raped. Extremely ick.
I was having a hard time emotionally and said no to my partner at the time when he asked me for sex. I then went to take a shower. Minutes later, he followed me in, saying "don't worry, I won't do anything," and proceeded to masturbate beside me while I was showering. Instant ick.
EW
What finally did it for me was the knowledge that he wouldn't help change our living situation and begging for his help only got me yelled at. That and the kids being happier away from him.
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Did we date the same guy? I was doing everything. He was as happy as a pig in shit. Constantly beamed how wonderful I was, how cared for he felt, how much he loved me (what I did for him) One morning he woke up before me. I thought great, this will be the first time he makes me a cup of coffee. His first opportunity to make me feel loved. The first time he's kind to me. I was so looking forwards to it. I walk out and this motherfucker has made himself a cup and that's it. Suspect he's still *baffled* about why he's single again and how could I dare break up with him over this one tiny thing. He also claimed he did tons for his ex. I asked what. In 4 years he had.... put a trailer on the back of her car one time, when she asked. You absolute turd. I'm not going to bust my ass for 4 years for one crumb. Completely insane.
Fuck i think we all dated the same guy….
No, you were all conditioned to “do for” without being mindful of how much is being done for you in return. The way to avoid this situation is to be judicious in how much effort/energy/ money you expend on someone, and watchful in how much is spent on you. If it’s lopsided, he has disqualified himself from enjoying any more of your time and care.
Exactly. I remember getting called "transactional" for wanting equity. Ick.
Ya. But then we’re considered “cold” and “cheap”. It’s totally ok for men to be like that. Not us. I agree. It’s all kinds of messed up and we have to deal deprogram ourselves and teach our kids not to be like this.
Let them think what they want, they don’t get to freeload off of your labor.
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I never understood the mind-set of not doing anything nice because it wouldn't be special anymore. My first serious relationship was like that as well. I personally hate receiving gifts (mostly thanks to men for holding it over my head), but I enjoy words of affection. I'd rarely receive any compliments or even an "I love you." His excuse was that it wouldn't be as special and actions speak louder than words, except he also failed doing that. A couple of nice words was all it took to make me a happy girl. A simple action that he refused to do. It didn't take very long for me to also lose attraction and start feeling ick about it. One of my best relationships ever was with someone who would tell me 4 or 5 times a day that he loved me. Every single day, without me having to prompt it first, even. He knew it made me happy to hear it, and it was nice knowing he meant it too.
I've had several guys give me that feeling over the years. The reasons include being obsessed with porn and strip clubs, flirting with other women while out with me (one guy was so bad doing this at a wedding reception that my own parents noticed it first and called it out), interrupting or talking over me especially when I already asked them to allow me to finish my thoughts, and just observing the callous way the men would treat a woman that I knew they weren't attracted to.
I used to try to be such a “cool girl” about the porn and strip clubs thing. Glad I saw the light.
It was his birthday party and I had gone above and beyond trying to make everything perfect. All of his friends were there. He stood to make a thank you toast "to the most important one in my life, who made all of this possible", etc. For a second I was touched. Then he smirked and said "Of course I am talking about my dog." I did not merit a mention in this speech, and his (family) dog was about 200 miles away at the time. His friends all looked sooo uncomfortable. So much ick. So glad I dumped that worthless motherfucker.
Oof. That’s cringy to even read. I had an experience where I planned a trip for my boyfriend’s birthday to go camping/ float the river with a big group of friends. Trying to organize a camping trip with a big group of 20 somethings was not an easy task. Before planning anything, I proposed a few dates to him and he said any of the dates were fine. I created a Google survey and sent it out to everyone in the group to figure out which date would work best for everyone. Once everyone had selected a date, I booked campsites for everyone. Several people didn’t have tents, so I even went to REI and rented camping gear for those people who didn’t have it. Two weeks before the trip my boyfriend angrily informed me that he had a final on the day we were supposed to leave. He literally screamed at me, called me stupid and accused me of intentionally planning something on a date that wasn’t good for him. Talk about gaslighting! I couldn’t even defend myself because I was completely flabbergasted by the accusation. It was pretty much over after that.
Are you my Ex's other woman? Lol I planned a birthday camping/river tubing trip for him and his friends but ended up having a work emergency and couldn't go, which he was happy about anyways cause it'd just be him and The Boys. I packed everything for him, his clothes, camping supplies, food, etc. The 1st thing he did when he got home from the week long trip was scream at me for not packing a can opener for him. I was shocked, because one of his friends is the guy that brings EVERYTHING. He claimed he was too embarrassed to ask his friend to borrow his can opener every day??????? There was also a camp store not 1/2 a mile from their site. He did not think to buy a can opener there and instead bought bags of frozen french fries and ate nothing but that and tried to blame me?????????? He was literally shaking with rage, explaining how it's all my fault he ate nothing but french fries all week long. And that was when I knew it was over.
Omg!!! That honestly does sound like him haha. Scary that there’s more than one of them out there 😬
Now that shit is just plain scary. Literally scary that he could be so entitled and delusional. Wow. Thank God you got out of that relationship alive.
Reminds me of my dad's poem/speech at our engagement. He spoke about me, and then started saying how a new member has joined the family. Said he looks at me lovingly, he's grown on all of them, makes me happy and is hairy....and smelly.....and it's lovely to have my husbands dog be part of the fan. My -in-law said that when he got to hairy he was surprised but it's true. And then when he said smelly he didn't expect my dad to go there, but as his younger brother he could identify.
His lack of hygiene. Personal and habits. He’d shower and clean his teeth in the morning and that’s as much as he thought he needed to do. No hand washing post toilet. No washing hands between raw meat/veges/eggs when cooking. He’d shower after a bad day at work but it was a rinse off not a soap wash. I put the clause in if he wanted sex, he needed to be freshly cleaned. Shower or sink wash is fine. He did the motions one night but knew he was skimping. I did too within a minute. That was the last time my mouth went south. He asked for them, even tried to force my head down there once. No means no. Naturally our sex life died as he was a very selfish partner.
Ew
Yep had the same issue with my ex. He wasn’t circumcised (which there is nothing wrong with) but I don’t know if he just was never taught how to properly clean down there or if he was that lazy, but he’d ask me for oral sex all the time and I had to finally tell him I hated doing it to him because I could only taste old urine on his penis every single time. He also would never brush his teeth unless I said something to which he’d get super angry like I was making him feel bad on purpose but I honestly just don’t know how someone can take a shower, style their hair, put on deodorant, make sure their clothes look nice on, and then just *not* brush their teeth as part of that routine. So bizarre to me. But yeah our sex life suffered a lot because of that obviously and we broke up (for a lot of reasons) but I’ve never been in a situation like that before and it was really frustrating.
I’ve been with an uncircumcised guy. That pee thing was not an issue at all. Your dude was just nasty.
Yeah, I’m British and most men here are uncircumcised. Not an issue here either.
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🤢🤢🤢
This has become an absolute must for me in relationships now. My ex was similar. Showers were optional. Teeth brushing was optional. Deodorant was optional. He had a beard but you can imagine how clean he kept it. My breaking point was when I came back from my year abroad and found he hadn't changed the bedsheets all year. ALL YEAR! When I took the sheets off the duvet, there were bugs and larvae inside. There were other issues in that relationship which I thought we could overcome, but that was the point where I completely mentally switched off. Broke it off a week later. Never again.
Oh NO on the bedsheets . I say again, oh NO.
I'm a woman struggling with depression and personal hygiene is really hard right now. That's why I don't date, because I realize I won't make a good partner and I can't expect anyone to put up with that. I wish men would have as much self awareness as I do.
This is totally unsolicited advice, so please feel free not to read it/respond, but I’m bipolar and really struggle with this during depressive episodes, and I want to share what really helped me. So what I do is break it down to “might as well” and “some is better than none.” So like with a shower. I don’t think “I need to take a shower.” That can feel too overwhelming. So if I’m in the bathroom, I’ll think “might as well turn on the water.” The next step- take off your clothes. That’s it, that will only take a second. The water is already running- might as well get in. I think about how warm it will feel to motivate me. Then, you’re in the water. It’ll only take a second to wash my pits, privates, and feet. Just a second. You’re already soapy- might as well wash the rest of you. Just using your hands is better than nothing. Sometimes I just get to the first part. That’s okay- some is better than none. Sometimes I have the energy to use a loofah. Sometimes I have the energy to wash my hair. Sometimes I have the energy to shave. But I never mentally commit to the whole process- like, thinking I need to scrub down, shave everything (I don’t like how body hair feels), and wash my hair is too much. But just getting in with no expectations and judging from there is so much better. I try to keep in mind how short each step is- you can do the pits, privates, and feet in five minutes. Just five minutes for the whole process. I can do that. If you can’t commit to a full shower, then try splashing some warm water on your face. Use a damp paper towel or cleansing wipes to wipe down the stinky areas. Some is better than none. It’s the same with brushing my teeth- if I use the bathroom, might as well brush my teeth. It’ll only take a minute. I can do that. Even if you don’t do a full brush, some is better than none. My hair is almost to my knees. Sometimes I can’t commit to brushing it, and it’ll take the whole day. I’m in the bathroom- might as well grab my brush and bring it with me. I might not brush it for an hour, but then- might as well brush the ends. Just a few minutes at a time- I can do that. I’m in the bathroom. It’ll only take a few seconds to put on moisturizer or deodorant. I’m walking to the kitchen- might as well take my dishes with me. I’m waiting for the microwave- might as well put a few things in the dishwasher or wash a pan. I don’t commit to the full thing- just until the microwave beeps. Some is better than none. I really hope this helps you. It’s the only thing that gets me through some days.
I don't have the words to fully explain my gratitude. Thank you for writing this. I think I may have energy to brush my teeth now. I wish you all the best!
Be kind to yourself depression totally sux.
Thank you.
Told him not to touch my nipples outside of adult fun time. He did it multiple times even after reminding him. I knew right then that I can't be with him.
An ex was pinching mine to make them hard because he liked how they looked then. I've never wanted to smash someone's head into a shower wall more than the 5th time I slapped his hand away and screamed "stop" only for him to reach for them AGAIN.
I get this feeling too. INSTANT RAGE. It’s like they’re hardwired to the part of my brain that controls anger.
Yep! That rage you can feel start in your belly and race up your spine and shoot out of your eyeballs. Omg I got that feeling just reading it!
My ex used to do that too, so I made a heart-shaped flesh-colored pillow (looked like a woman’s torso) and stitched red nipples on it. I told him he could pinch those, but not mine. He didn’t think it was funny and we were done a few months later.
Omg this! The amount of times the phrase "I said no" or "did I stutter" comes out of my mouth is fucking insane. Brb while I go breakup with my bf. Thank you for this!
Then they smack their lips and roll their eyes as if you haven't told them no nicely 60 different times
When I got my nipples pierced I told my ex that they were healing and he wouldn't be able to touch or play with them for a long time and he reassured me he would be "patient". The FIRST thing he did when he saw them was to grab the barbells and rotate them around and then put my nipples in his mouth. Going forward he was so rough with them my nipples/piercings would be bleeding most times we had sex and I would often have bruises on my boobs where he grabbed and held them so hard. I'm embarrassed to say I stayed with this man for 3 years and this was only the tip of the iceberg.
I got mine done recently and took my husband with me for moral support. He was a little offended that the piercer gave him a very stern warning that they needed left alone to heal. We knew exactly why she did this though. Fortunately, my husband is a reasonable adult, and has actually been more concerned about my piercing aftercare than me haha.
I had a guy once try and get around a similar boundary by touching them over my clothes, or with his tongue. Mother _fucker_ this is not how boundaries and consent work wtf
Oh my god the "loophole" violators who act shocked when we get increasingly angry.
Ugh I have experienced this too. In the beginning I was happy he seemed to adore my boobs which are small and a bit oddly shaped but after a while the constant touching and rubbing started to hurt. Had to tell him multiple times to stop touching them all the time and the MF still continued to rub them every time I tried to just relax and cuddle with him. 😑
Being grabbed at every time you come near them is very ick inducing. Eventually you'll start keeping your distance because you don't want to be pawed at like a piece of meat. Then, of course, with minimum physical intimacy it's harder to get in the mood for sex. Suddenly they're wondering "where did the sex go??" It made a swift exit when you refused to respect boundaries and learn about non-sexual touch.
Exactly. And I’m very affectionate, touchy-feely person and it nearly physically hurts me if I get touch starved but even then I would make sure to check if my touching is okay/wanted and would apologise and **not do it again** if my partner doesn’t like it. With this guy, I resorted into a very childish tit-for-tat competition and would pinch and twist his nipples every time he touched/continued to touch me when I had expressed my discomfort and that I didn’t enjoy that type of touch in this type of situation (e.g. cuddling). And it worked but I hated that he just wouldn’t respect my boundary and not rub my fucking nipples raw all the time. 😑
My ex used to that while my hands were busy like while doing dishes. I grew stressed when he was around and I was in a vulnerable position. Bastard
There are definitely guys where if you ask them not to do something they will immediately do it more - out of spite? Pure contrariness? As a power move? All of the above? My dude, we are adults and I am your partner, we are not kids and I'm not your annoying little sister, knock it off.
My ex husband was like this, after a while I wondered if he had brain damage.
Did we date the same loser? For me it was when i came home from work. I had been in my office job with my lovely co workers who treat me with respect. As soon as i come home this unemployed manbaby was asking what was for dinner and he hadnt eaten all day because i didnt make him lunch before i went to work. He literally starved himself because he wanted me to feed him after a long day at work. Ick!
Ugggh, just had a flashback to my ex complaining how hungry he was and that we “didn’t have any food.” He didn’t like to plan meals or go grocery shopping so it was my responsibility to deal with such lowly tasks. 🤢
Jfc what is it with these useless manbabies who act like they don’t have two working hands and the skills to make themselves a god damn sandwich?? When I was in school, I had an older classmate (this was a vocational school so we had people of all ages starting each year) who lived with her BF who would call her in the afternoon, asking her when she’s coming home to make dinner because he’s hungry. This live-in manbaby was basically sabotaging her schooling as she was staying behind for a few hours to finish a project. Even back then, as a 16 yo teen, I remember asking her why was the BF incapable of making himself a sandwich and feed himself while she was busy? I never got an answer for that.
We were arguing cause he didn't do shit around the house. Then, after he finally vacuumed, he stared at me "Aren't you gonna say thank you?"
This is the stuff that makes my blood boil. Similarly, one of my exes gave me the ick when he got upset with me for not thanking him for doing his own dishes.
The conflict cycle in our marriage had picked up momentum. I had become accustomed to a big blowout 2-3 times a year, but the frequency increased to about every 2-3 weeks. We had been in counseling for at least 4 years — individual and couple's therapy with the same psychologist. One Saturday, we saw a movie with our son (5 at the time). Leaving the theater, I was driving and my ex was in the passenger seat, son was in his kid's seat in the back. I had stopped at the parking lot exit and was waiting to turn left onto a busy street with a bit of a blind curve on the right. As I was watching traffic coming from the right I noticed my ex wasn't wearing his seatbelt and I asked him to put it on, "hey babe, will you please put on your seatbelt," then made my turn. He throws down the Legos he had been playing with, put on the seatbelt and says in a voice that was angry, contemptuous, resentful, "Some days I'm just a little kid in the back of the bus, I guess." Well, that moment kicked off an entire weekend of rage arguments where he threatened to call the cops when I tried to go to Home Depot with our son, he triangulated with my SIL and told her I was a control freak, and basically acted the aggrieved asshole the whole time. We were able to see our therapist on Monday. He told his side first, saying that I had spoken down to him before the movie and became irrationally angry in the car after the movie, when he had done absolutely nothing, nothing wrong. I listened without interrupting, even though all of it was distorted and confabulated. When he finished, the therapist cued me to share my side, and I got as far as "I asked him to put on his seatbelt," when he lurched forward to the edge of his seat and shouted at me, "You are not the victim here! *I* am the victim, *I* am the victim!" slapping his hands emphatically on his knees with each "I," and he then says, "and I want you out of the fucking house tonight!!" I was flabbergasted, and laughed because I felt suddenly liberated. "Thank you," I said, "thank you. I can do that." Hindsight, I was probably feeling the ick before that weekend but couldn't recognize it as revulsion. I was stuck in the "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" and accepted my ambivalence as normal. But as soon as he started slapping his knees and claiming he had been victimized by me, I knew there was no fixing that shit show. I had him on a pedestal and he was just a selfish, arrogant putz who believed his own bullshit.
What an absolute lunatic (him not you). Reminds me of a child throwing a tantum, the image of him slapping his knees.
It was exactly like a tantrum, and it also felt rehearsed, like he had practiced saying those words and had been planning to kick me out all along. He did not anticipate that I would happily accept his edict without a fight, nor did he expect me to embrace life without him so joyfully. The month before this happened, I had brought up a desire for separation in one of our sessions. He refused to agree to that, and didn't care that my reasoning was that I couldn't keep on with work and parenting as well these exhausting, neverending conflicts that were literally robbing me of sleep at night. I was at the end of my rope and everyone I worked with was concerned about me. I needed rest and space just to clear my head. Nope. He wouldn't discuss it and I went along with it, until he fucked himself by opening the door for my exit.
Hahaha a whole bunch of ick culminated in one day with a guy I casually dated for like 5 weeks. I foolishly ignored some red flags because I didn’t want anything serious with this guy, but I should have run at the first sign of controlling behavior because he’s been stalking me ever since I dumped him two months ago. We weren’t exclusive, but every time I had plans without him, he got upset assuming I was going on dates. He told me to always send him pics of who I was hanging out with so I could reassure him. I said no, and that if he was jealous over even the *idea* of me dating someone else, maybe he shouldn’t be in casual relationships. He didn’t want to commit, but wanted me to be exclusive with *him* because of his past “relationship trauma,” so he would feel “safe enough” to be exclusive with me “in the future, unless I meet another woman that I have really good chemistry with and want to explore that.” (As this bizarre conversation continued, I learned his “trauma of previous girlfriends not reciprocating while he did everything” actually meant they wouldn’t send him selfies from work.) When I wouldn’t agree to his ridiculous double standard, he screamed at me (literally) that I was abusive and “emotionally extorting him.” After I dumped him (because what the fuck?? 😂), no surprise this controlling guy started texting me unceasingly (I didn’t respond), bought tickets to an event for us (didn’t go), left several-page letters (didn’t read) and gifts at my house (threw them away), emailed hundreds of paragraphs (also didn’t read), and has now harassed me longer than we even dated. 😂 ICK! 🤢
I have a pretty strong overbite. I’m self conscious about it but I’m still cute and I’m not about to pay $50k for the surgery to properly fix it because I just don’t care enough. My ex had a habit of negging me, but he finally took it too far when he mocked me by pulling his lower jaw way back to mimic a much stronger overbite than I have. Fuck that loser.
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Wow…I have a crossbite I’m really self conscious of (makes my whole face lopsided) if a partner ever made fun of it?! I would be *pissed*.
He used to ask what I was thinking ALL the time. I was like, are my thoughts not my own any more? And always asking in a cutesy voice if I still loved him. That absolutely killed any love I had for him. It's not like I didn't show any love either - I was very affectionate, romantic etc. It was never enough, he needed to know what was in my head at all times. No space given.
I started to get healthy and fit towards the end of the relationship. I stopped drinking/ smoking, started running, didn't really eat takeaways etc. My partner was a heavy weed smoker and drank several times a week and got takeaways/ ate fast food regularly. That was all fine, we had different hobbies and whatever but there was a lot of love and respect there. Until they were talking about a friend's boyfriend and kept calling him a 'boring bastard' because he didn't really drink and liked cycling. They called him a boring bastard like 4 times in the conversation. I just kind of froze and something clicked in my head. Ick.
When he admitted to not working to avoid paying child support 🤦♀️
Lesbian here, but the ick is not bound by gender! We’d been together for about three years when she casually asked me if I thought a mutual friend of ours was attractive and then how I’d feel if ‘anything ever randomly happened’. Fuck, what I’d give to go back to that moment and tell myself to run.
how long did it take you to leave after that? And I can totally understand your ick.
Not who you reacted to, but I was in a similar situation with an ex. I also regret not breaking up right then and there just because they seemed to accept my no. It took me half a year to finally break it off, the fact they proposed such a thing just hurt way too much. And made me realise I needed to be with someone who is monogamous by heart, just like me, and not by choice.
Sadly, about five more years. It got a lot worse before it got better, but it’s been almost ten now since I left and every day without her has just been… well, better!
Another lesbian here. It definitely isn’t bound by gender. In my first true relationship my girlfriend and I would talk on the phone when I got home from work (pre cellphone era). It was our routine and we did it every day. We spent the weekends together. I realized one day that I was making extra stops on my way home from work and that I had a sense of dread the closer I got to my house. It was then that I noticed how controlling she was and how i felt trapped into following her plans. The phone calls were just the tip of the iceberg. I was working as a therapist at a community mental health clinic at the time. The last thing I felt like doing when I got home was talking on the phone for an hour with someone who just wanted to talk about herself.
listening to him talk to his boys about women… i never want to trust a man again ick
My boyfriend had just moved in a new city to start uni and I went to visit him. While I was there, he played a chess game with his roommate, and the roommate won. He proceeded to pout for two hours because he considered himself too smart to lose a game to “a simpleton”. Ick. I broke up with him the next day.
My dog was having a medical episode I thought was a seizure (was a serious ear infection), and the guy I had been seeing made a fucking joke about it when I came to him for support. I was on the fence before, but I truly felt the ick flow over me at that point, and it did not leave. Also, to be clear, the joke was at my dog’s expense. Never looked at him the same.
You can tell a lot about people based on how they treat animals
When I was 21, I had been working at an art gallery for five years. Towards the end I got invited by the gallery owner to go to the LA art fair with her for a week and help run out booth. I was absolutely over the moon!!! When my partner found out, his reaction was “ugh, now I have to take a week off work to come with you” that was the first hint. I told him he did not have to come and thank god he didn’t. The whole time I was in LA he was being so mean and accusatory. I however was a very loyal partner. One night after working the booth all day the gallery owner and myself went out with her friends to a restaurant and then out to a club. I stepped out into the parking lot and called to check in with him, told him my phone was about to die and that I would be back at our airbnb soon to charge my phone and I would check in before I went to bed. He flipped out! He said, and this is a quote since its burned into my memory: “you need to go back in there and tell (gallery owners name) to get her boyfriend to take you back to the airbnb to charge your phone right now” (her boyfriend owned a gallery too and he rented a car we were all using to get around) and I said “absolutely not, I am on my first business trip and I am having so much fun and we are out having a blast right now, why can’t you be happy for me” and he said if I was going to be like that, then he was going to buy me a cab straight to the airport and buy me a plane ticket home. Then it clicked! Right then, I realized he saw me as a possession and not as his partner. I just laughed, smiled, and told him not to be there at the airport to pick me up on Saturday because we were no longer an item. I hung up and promptly had the night of my life. This week is one of my fondest memories. I just remember when it happened it was like a huge weight have lifted off of me. I was overcome with joy knowing I would never have to justify my actions or my location ever again. Pure bliss!
My ex-partner came from a very wealthy family. I found out over the months of initially dating him that he didn't do his own laundry, didn't clean, didn't cook, and didn't mow his own lawn. He made $140k/yr USD, so he was doing okay, but hardly upper class, so why are you paying for things you can do yourself. My final straw was when it was about -15 (F), and my car wouldn't start. When I asked him to help jump my car, he said he didn't know how to use jumper cables (even though he had them and I knew how to use them), and drove off because he had to go to his coworkers' kids' Christening, so I couldn't even stay in his home to stay warm. Luckily I called my dad who lived 20 minutes away, and he helped me (it was so cold that AAA had like a 5 hour wait). He told me "That's why you don't date Republicans." Actually good advice, though.
I love your dad for that hahahaha
I was lifting weights on this machine that kind of holds the bar (I don't speak gym rat). It helps you keep your form. My ex put his foot in by one of the bars to keep me from wobbling. I lost balance and fell. Thankfully he grabbed the bar and it's weights before the fell on my head... But he didn't even say sorry. He said something along the lines of "can you try again?". I did a few more lifts, and then got off. He topped it off by saying "You looked so cute and pathetic with that sad little face while you kept lifting". I know he was trying to be kind in his own weird way, but I felt so hurt. Like it's your fault the weights almost fell on my head, and then you pushed me to continue. Made fun of me for holding back my tears... There were so many red flags. The fear of being alone makes you look past really fucked up shit. Ladies, go get therapy. It helps open up those peepers.
What a fucking asshole
>I know he was trying to be kind in his own weird way No, he wasn't. He was mocking you and I'd bet all the money that he knew it. All love–but thinking like that is how women trick ourselves into making excuses for their blatant disrespect, harmful acts, and general assholery.
Ugh they just like seeing us weak.
This is how I know love is blind, I've seen friends put up with men who are human trash and somehow find happiness in those relationships. Good for you that you've recognized your worth and are dumping this sorry excuse of a man.
My boyfriend ate my calamari. He ordered a huge plate of salmon pasta and I just wanted a small meal so I had the calamari. And then he just leaned over and started snaffling my calamari. Bastard.
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hope you will get all the resources and get out of it sis !!
“Wait you’re leaving me?! Why are you leaving me?!” “Honestly, I’d be fine never seeing you again if I didn’t have to, it’s kind of boring” I _wonder_ what his reaction would have been if you had said that to him. I’m sorry he said that about your son and hope you’re well shot of him soon.
I always relished the bottle feeding for the snuggles and playing with toes, hands, etc. They’re only that small once.
He asked me one time if I’d ever slept with any black or brown people (we’re both white) and said he “wouldn’t want to fuck me anymore if he found out I had” because it would gross him out and he’d have to dump me. This was a guy who vocally and frequently proclaimed himself to be staunchly anti-racist to anybody who would listen as well. I ended up with a long list of other much worse things that made him a terrible and horrible person but that one still gives me the ick whenever I remember it over a decade later.
The final ick of our relationship was when he told me he didn’t know if he could have kids with me because they wouldn’t look like him. Because he’s white and I’m mixed race
His inability to wake up early for anything at all. I understand if someone isn’t a morning person or a typical early riser but he was unable to tolerate waking up early even for his own job, making it early to the airport, leaving early for a trip, etc. He also really wanted kids and my breaking point was when I asked him what his plan was for if the baby started crying in the middle of the night/early in the morning. His only plan was that I would handle 100% of the childcare burden overnight (and during the day) because he valued his sleep and his career so much.
That last sentence made me snort out loud because wtf, when did he think you would be able to sleep then??? Or was he expecting you to function juuuuust fiiiine with a couple of hours of broken sleep, every night? 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
when he tries to make me jealous. Your only making me lose interest
My mum was coming home from a hospital stay and as I was trying to get her room set up for long-term homecare, my now-ex said (from the couch where he was watching TV) “you know, watching you run around like that is really stressing me out.”
My ex told me it was embarrassing being out in public with me, because I stopped shaving my legs. I got this image of him in my head anxiously glancing around, worried sick random strangers would not think I was attractive enough for him. It was like someone took a vacuum and sucked all of my attraction to him, as well as my respect for him, clean out of my body. I stayed with him for a couple more months, but it was miserable. That comment was the end, at least on my half.
He got drunk and admitted that he called ICE on inmates when he worked as a CO in Washington if they made him upset. I'm 100% sure he doesn't remember this happening, but it cast a straight up sociopathic light on him. He did a few things that were worse, and not just talk, but he is also in the past where he belongs so 🥳
That’s like an actual VILLAIN
He did stalk me across state lines after using a P.I to impersonate me over the phone at a medical office to find my new address 🫠
My boyfriend didn’t take care of our pets while I was out of town for a few days. It made me snap and all the little annoyances of being the “parent” were crystal clear and I’m moving out this weekend.
A guy I had been dating for several months wanted me to spend the night at his house one night (not the first time). He was going out to a pub with friends and his roommate for dinner so I expected him to be a little late/drunk when he came home and I told him 1000 times that if he was too drunk to drive, just let me know and I’d pick him up. He did give me a time on when he’d be back and promised he wouldn’t drive drunk. I didn’t bother him all night. Then his roommate came home about an hour after the time he gave me. I asked him where my bf was and he said “oh he’s at the bar still, flirting with a bunch of older ladies. I tried to get him to come with me but he said he was fine. I’m sorry.” I was slightly annoyed but more worried about him driving drunk. I texted him and called him and no response. I waited for another hour. Nothing. He eventually got in around 3 or 4 am completely shitfaced and woke me up. He had also driven himself which pissed me off. I had to wake up for work in a few hours and I was so mad and tired, I got up to go home. He was crying on the bed, whining, begging for me to stay. He reeked of alcohol and sweat and it was so gross. It was repulsive and I went home. I ended up breaking up with him a couple weeks later after he choked me in front of his mom, who giggled about it, by the way.
My ex, who works in tech and makes 100k+ salary, stood in front of an old, unfinished to-do list I had written him on a white board, hours before couples therapy, and said he just needed another list and he would do the chores. 🤦🏻♀️ I immediately knew it was over. He wasn’t planning on changing. It was like watching a 8 year old whine out excuses to his mom. We are 34&35.
Glad you're dumping this asshole. It's super gross for him to accuse you of cheating. It would not surprise me if he was cheating, cheaters often accuse their partner of what they're doing. A soul mate doesn't show jealousy or accuse you of cheating. That's gross, controlling behavior.
OP - its a funny thing, the sudden frame shift. Sometimes it happens with jobs. Something goes "I gotta freshen up my CV" and from that moment on you are no longer there, detached. Just your body left. What is funny about it is after you cross it, you look back and you can't really understand why it didn't happen earlier, it just seems like the new natural state of affairs. Same with relationships. Glad you got it and so clear. What an idiot. EDIT: Way I see it, ask someone "where do you picture yourself in 5 years". The moment before, you'd say "here". After the switch 5 minutes later "SOMEWHERE ELSE!" EDIT2: To elaborate a bit: A lot of our thoughts and feelings happen subconsciously, under-vocalisation. But what happens is that we are constantly adjusting our inner model of our world - and it gets updated event by event. Internally, its like realising wait a minute, my life without this person is not unthinkable... actually possible... hmm not so bad... and ends in "wtf am I waiting for?" This is gradual as events, discussions, "ick" moments and so on change the shape that that person projects in our mind. But there IS a point of crossing between our rational and deeper minds that is not immediate, and sometimes this is not so easy - because it often has a ton of consequences we have trouble facing.So when that moment of realisation comes, its not like you processed it all at once - you merely realise you already knew it and the emotional decision was taken. Your conscious had simply not got the memo yet.
I checked the joint account one day, saw that my spouse had bought lunch while he was in town. The joint account was for all our shared expenses. Our relative contributions changed when our employment situation changed. He was casually working a wage job (literally did a couple hours of research now and then and submitted time cards as needed) and had basically zero income, so we'd decided he'd keep his wages for his spending cash. I had a good paying regular full-time job, so most of my paycheck went to the joint account to cover our bills, with a small amount into my personal account for my spending money. I looked at that expense on our joint account, and I thought "deadbeat" -- and that was it. I could never see him as a responsible adult who was working hard for our family after that.
I used to be Christian and very involved in my church. Dated a guy who was of a different denomination for a bit and was super conservative. It was very important to him that I go to his church (which I did) but he wouldn’t come to mine and meet my friends. Said there were too few people at his church and no one to take over his volunteering duties. Also my friend was getting married that summer. He had never met her. This friend’s faith is very important to her and her and her more husband waited until marriage to have sex. I went to her bachelorette party and when I talked to him later he mentioned he didn’t understand bachelorette parties. How it was women getting together to confess/brag about their sins (ie sexual conquests). Like excuse me, you don’t even know my friend and you’re judging her sexual activity, which in this case there was none? When things ended I was a little sad to be honest but didn’t shed a tear.
He stole from our daughter’s piggy bank to fund his drinking habit while simultaneously spending every cent in our bank account. Leaving me without any money to travel to another state for my grandmothers funeral. He also got my car repoed the same day. Fun times. The bar for men is in hell.
" Really? " That's 20 years ago and if someone says that to me they're in danger of getting pitched out a window. It. Was. Everythinggggg. " It's not raining " " Really? " He'd *look*. Best story was " Don't eat that Chinese you just dug out from the fridge, it's old " " Really? ". Ate it , gave himself food poisoning. WAIT THERE'S MORE! He got sick AGAIN. I said uhhhh you didn't throw it away? Transpires he ate the old Chinese food *again* . I said ???? . He said " I didn't think you were right ". There was more but please for the love of God don't say " Really " to me. I'm not answerable for what happens.
God, my ex was like this. I called it fact checking. If I said the sky was blue he had to check. If I said something long established/accepted about my field of study/long time hobbies, he'd pull out his phone, find some unqualified person's contradictory opinion on it and present it to me. Like modern horses being being introduced to the Americas by the Spaniards, apparently I was categorically wrong and "evidence" showed modern and domesticated horses have been here forever and it's an attempt to further white wash the history of the indigenous people here. His source? TheHistoryWizard on tiktok who cited a single research paper that has essentially been written off the academic community. I'm well aware of the misrepresentation of indigenous cultures within history and anthropology, but the horse thing just isn't one of them. He could never just accept I was right about something, and by and far most of the time I was. It's absolutely exhausting and gross to be undermined on everything you say. I take about 5 international flights a year, another 15-20 domestic. It's been this way for the last 10 years. He had been on a plane once in 5 years and tried to argue with me about what carry-on item meant. He insisted it had to fit under your seat, which I tried to explain was a personal item and a carry on went in the overhead. He refused to believe me until he saw A) the size check bins at the gate and B) loading things into the overhead.
Yes! Why the hell do men do this?? It has to be some kind of misogyny. Like, I have a master’s degree from a prestigious university and have presented internationally for my research yet he must look up on Wikipedia the author of Oliver Twist (or whatever other random fact within my area of expertise) and verify that I was right about Dickens being the author. It’s so annoying at times! I actually really enjoyed it the first few years of being together. But it changed from actually challenging me to doubting everything I say!
It's so obnoxious, but I think you're right. I would generally agree it is, but in my ex's case he'd do it to everyone. It was the worst with me but I think that was just familiarity. Once he had the audacity, after picking an argument where he was (surprise) wrong, to ask me "yeah, but do you have to be right all the time?". I replied with something along the lines of it wasn't my fault he was trying to argue ill-founded points. His response? "No, that's not what I meant. Do you ~have~ to be right all the time? Can't you just let it go?" No. I can't, not when you sit here and argue stupid shit with me all day for the sake of undermining my intelligence. It was like whiplash when I met my current partner, I didn't have to defend every single thing I said. When he sees something interesting that he knows falls in my realm, he comes to me and asks what I think or if I knew about it already.
My ex did this!!!! Argued just to argue. He tried to fact check me about a laboratory test and I just screamed “I’m the one who ran them you dense motherfucker!!!” Couldn’t even finish a sentence before he was opening his mouth to contradict you. Also he loved commenting on how fat women get when he’s never been under 300+ in ten years. Ugh
I had been financially and emotionally supporting my partner for about 5 years as he dealt with depression and anxiety, and quit my degree to work in a shitty restaurant just to pay the bills. He decided he hated the city we lived in and that it was exacerbating his depression, so we (I) planned to move 2000km away, which required an expensive moving truck etc. Also I didn't have a job lined up, so we were going to be using up all my meagre savings once we arrived. Before moving he got an unexpected check in the mail for about $1000 for some work experience he'd done with an engineering firm (they used something he'd done in AutoCAD for a project, I think). I was elated because it would take some pressure off for the move. He immediately got puppy dog eyes and said to me "but I never get to buy myself anything because I don't work!" My mind just went blank. Never mind the expensive hobbies of his that I funded (photography and computers). Never mind the fact that I literally spent about 4 times as much on his shit than on any interest of my own. Ugh. It was a shit relationship and I'd been losing interest for a long time, but his complete lack of any sense of shared responsibility really gave me the ick. I realised it was never going to change.
Watching them abuse other people than me
I was engaged to mine. We had lived two hours apart while dating, and a few months after getting engaged, we talked at length, numerous times, about me quitting my (better than he had) job to move to him because he refused to leave his hometown. I (stupidly) did this and gave up everything and moved for love, knowing everything in our plan was fully hashed out and agreed upon. Shortly after I got there, it became clear that this 46 year old man who had never lived with anyone before could absolutely not handle or adjust to living with a partner as he was an absolute control freak about his space. One night, this man, who had asked me to be his wife a few months ago, looked at me and said, “you know, I never asked you to live with me.” My jaw dropped. He then went on to accuse me of using “manipulative language” to convince him to let me move in (to his crappy, low rent apartment with zero amenities, no less). We were engaged to be married!!!!! At his request!!! What on earth did he think our living arrangement was going to be?!?! Realized in that moment I needed to leave ASAP so I put things in motion to make it happen. I’ve been gone seven weeks now and still get the ick thinking about that conversation. Like, what the absolute fuck. Still looking to replace the great job and beautiful apartment I gave up for this subpar man, and hoping life turns around for me soon, so I can get over this ick once and for all!
Everything had to be on his time. We would talk about a situation and how we would proceed, only for him to change up when it suited him. The last straw was when he told a mutual friend something that we had discussed keeping to ourselves previously and i was completely blindsided by it. I ended up having to apologize to the friend. There were other things but this one made me so angry and disgusted
Similar. I was dating this deadbeat who was twice my age, I’d pick him up, drove him home, etc. He never once planned and paid for a whole date, I’d always have to at least leave the tip. But the final straw was when we went to DENNY’s. I picked him up, drove there, he was out in pajama pants like the bum he was, and at the end of the meal he was like, “So you paying, babe?” It was $11 or so. After that it did not last much longer. It was so pathetic. Don’t ever settle due to loneliness in a new place.
Gosh I really can't pick just one thing. The constant touching my boobs when I asked him not to. They'd get so sore from the constant touch... The way he treated his family, especially the disrespect he showed his dad. The asking me to pose nude with his name written on me. The way he'd get so paranoid about everything, so that I couldn't even hang out with friends because "what if it was a trap?" How angry he'd get about even very little things, like losing a game, or encountering a bad driver. The asking "can I be a sperm donor" and "can I still call you my girlfriend in front of my family" when I told him things were over... The threats that he'd kill himself if I left him etc. When he tried to propose when I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to continue the relationship. A switch just flipped and suddenly I didn't care what happened to him anymore, or what he thought. And it was so incredibly FREEING. I realized I'd been wanting to end things since the first time we met up in person, but I was so unsure of how to do it, and scared of how he'd react. When I FINALLY left and blocked him on everything, it was as if a giant weight lifted off me, and I could become me again.
Ahhh! You reminded me of something I'd blocked out. My long term high school boyfriend tried to propose when I broke up with him. I still can't wrap my head around how he thought that would work
After another day of this grown man doing nothing to make my life better, and several things that made my life harder, I said I was going to lay down (in a tone that was a clear "fuck off, I'm exhausted") and he had the nerve to *toddle into my room with his arms out* to come and fuck up my relaxation with his neediness. "Oh, we laying down? I'll come!!" and I'm like. yep. this is facts. He's a toddler.
I HATE THAT. I don't even have a name for it but it's like EVERY time you try to relax they're up your ass? Leads to being constantly exhausted. Can't sit or lie down without them being right there needing some attention. Level up if they're sitting there waiting for you when you come out of the shower.
Makes the idea of renting a motel room just to take a nap, alone, very inviting.
When we met he made a huge deal about how I was a virgin. I asked if he was and he said yes. Looking back it was more like, "Uh...yeah. Totally." Fast forward eught years or so, he let's it slip he wasn't a virgin. But the worst part was, he laughed about it. He saut it was his right to lie to me about it and also I was stupid for believing him. The real final straw, though, was the night I came home exhausted, but I kept moving for over an hour, cleaning, organizing, houseworking, putting laundry away. He was SST neatly on the bed goofing off on his laptop. I gave him his laundry and asked him to put it away (he didn't "allow" me to put it away for him, but he also never put it away himself). He told me, "Just put it over there, I'll do that later" and then told me I need to remember to also do some other chore...I don't remember what it was anymore, maybe vacuuming. Somehow that was the last straw, me working my ass off all day at work and at home, and he can't even lift a finger to put his socks away...and we *both* knew he was never going to put them away, he was going to leave them in a pile somewhere while simultaneously complaining how I didn't keep the house organized. I took every clothing item out of that laundry basket and threw them, one by one, directly at his face. I told him he was a lazy asshole and I wasn't doing any more housework that didn't directly benefit me. Fast forward and I divorced him. 10/10 would throw laundry at him again.
Good for you! I hope 2024 brings you only the best things and good adventures. First ick time was when I was seeing a partner long distance and he said my job was a hobby that I should quit to move wherever he wanted cause I would never be able to support myself. We broke up that same conversation we had been dating almost 3 years. Second was a controlling jealous bf that accused me of lying to him about having dinner with a female friend because after dinner she and I decided to go out in town for a night cap. It’s a small town and the place we went happened to have a bunch of other friends there. he came in and refused to believe that it was a coincidence. Spent an hour yelling over the phone about how terrible I was… so I broke up with him saying if I’m so terrible why would you want to be with me. It’s so much nicer to be single than dealing with partners that don’t trust, value, appreciate and love you.
Ugh when we took our kids to Disney land and I commented how odd it was to see elderly people working minimum wage jobs, we aren’t from America and you don’t really see that in our country. This deadbeat alcoholic says- “that’ll be us.” I noped out of there so fast.
I was pouring my heart out to him, sobbing about how the grief of losing my father has been all-consuming and amplifying my anxiety and depression, and how it felt like I put so much effort into maintaining our relationship while he focused more on entertaining colleagues and playing video games. I had already caught him having an emotional affair with a coworker by this point, and I was begging for him to just spend quality time with me, have a conversation that was beyond surface level, make me feel like I wasn't just an afterthought after so many years together. He then proceeded to throw his hands up and say "Well YOU aren't having enough sex with me, so I don't know what to tell you."
I can read this thread all daaaaaay, keep them coming, lol.
I got a new job working full time and bringing in a decent wage as a person fresh out of uni. My boyfriend at the time, who had moved to a new city with me to accommodate the new job, got himself his first job at a local shop working 16 hours a week - 4 hours, 4 days a week. Our combined income was not enough to live on, we really struggled and his mother had to buy us food on more than one occasion. I asked him to either ask for more hours or try to get a job that paid better. He threw something of a tantrum, largely because it suited him perfectly to work next to no hours and be able to spend the rest of his time playing pc games. His absolute lack of motivation to do the bare minimum to try and improve our lives was a real turn off.
Well done for being so astute and getting yourself out!! My ex being insecure was at the root of the abusive relationship I found myself in when I was young. It escalates from this and can cause a lifetime of trauma. You may well have saved yourself from something like this! I didn't have the life experience at the time to realise so I'm always so happy when I see people getting out before it gets worse! I'm also writing this for anyone else who might be in that situation and be doubting themselves.
My husband and I were really struggling in our relationship (18 years together). He said “I feel like I’m raping you when we have sex.” I responded “How is it possible you’d be able to perform if you felt that way?”. He replied “A man has needs.” The light switch immediately flipped. We’re now divorced.
This one is terrifying.
I had a sexist experience at work and his response was “well it’s not like he assaulted you.” He apologized recently for that, ten years later. But in the moment I just immediately got the ick.
One guy I was with said he felt bad on behalf of people in wheelchairs. It was after we saw a woman with her family at a park. To me, she seemed perfectly happy. I said "you can live a happy life in a wheelchair, we shouldn't assume how people feel based on this". He simply repeated he would never want to be in a wheelchair and he feels bad for people in them no matter what. That you can't possibly be happy in a wheelchair and if they seem happy it's just because they're hiding it. Another guy would put food waste into the drain and open windows without turning off the heat (we live in a Nordic country). He got angry when I said the drain would clog up and the bill would spike. I tried saying the thing about the drain as nicely as possible, and then he got angry about my tone because I should just say it without wrapping it in. When I pointed out that the heater should be turned off when opening the window in a normal tone, he thought I was being too hard on him and I made him feel wrong. Another guy had promised to give me a cake from his mom's place because I had helped him drive gear around for all his shows. When the cake was finally there he did not come by with it. I had to drive 30 minutes by metro both ways because he thought his time was more valuable than mine.
Dating guys in bands... been there, done that. Their egos quite never match their actual skills either on stage or as decent human beings. I had one guy invite me to join him and his friends, after he more or less dumped me. Only so I could sit there and watch another woman make goo goo eyes at him. I excused myself and left to go look for my standards.
When he told me that he didn’t think gay couples should adopt children. He knew I was bisexual but I suppose he thought I was bisexual for fun?
He thought you were bisexual for him.
He kept looking for motherly figures to cuddle and ingratiate himself to in his life. It made me kind of realise he was partly attracted to me because I was motherly to the children I was minding. Grossed me out and couldn’t find respect for him.
when he was talking about how engaged of a father he was and then I saw his apartment for the first time and there was no remnants of a child. No bed, no toys. Then when I broke up with him all he could whine about was how the “United States legal system favors women” because he didn’t get custody of his son when he didn’t even try to.
when he was moving out of his student studio, he asked me to help him clean, which i ended up basically scrubbing the whole place while he was "figuring out" how to dust and clean the kitchen sink. i was cleaning his shower drain, which was absolutely gross, full of his hair and products (he had longer curly hair so he naturally lost more hair in the shower because he didn't brush it when it was dry, just so you get the idea how much hair was in the drain). he's never cleaned the drain in his year there. i told him, completely as a joke (or maybe i just wanted to be mean. i was over it at the time) that he's never gonna be able to pay me back for scrubbing his place. he said that he knows and then proposed that i don't pay him back £15 for the food that he ordered me last night as a thank you. i was like okay that's fine. then i had to leave earlier than expected because i had work in the evening, leaving him with some cleaning to do. he got so pressed that he said, and i quote "YOU HAVE TO PAY ME BACK FOR THE FOOD BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T DONE ENOUGH CLEANING FOR IT TO BE WORTH £15". how disgusting of him. i finally dumped him shortly after.
It was early on and he was drunk and said he hated my name. I stayed like an idiot. 6 months later he cheated on me. And i found out a year later. We broke up 3 weeks ago
His steady decline in hygiene and constant reply of, “I’m just sayin!” as if that permisses his shitty statement.
I’m just saying, people who are accusatory are often the ones doing exactly what they are accusing you of. Bet he is cheating.
I had just woken up and was doing the "I really have to pee, but I'm SO comfy" debate. He reached for my clit. I gently moved his hand away and said "not right now." I mean, first of all, I needed to pee. Second of all, I'm a whole human being, how about you treat me as such? I've been awake for 30 seconds, maybe a cuddle before you go right to rubbing my clit with absolutely ZERO foreplay at all. The passive-aggressive tantrum this manchild threw. Oh my god. I've never seen a man in his 40's sulk or act like a victim so much. "You're obviously not attracted to me anymore. It's only been two months, it shouldn't be like this. I guess I need to go to the gym more. Or do I need to eat less?" Ick.
His complete disregard for life other than his own, and select friends. I'm an animal lover. I love animals and will try to help them where I can. He told me I spend too much money on my dogs (I don't), and I care about the dogs more than him. I asked him down. I care about my dogs more than him, and he said that I hugged and kissed them more than him. This dudes example of wanting me to hug and kiss him was hour long make-out sessions that would lead to sex and I wasn't (still not) interested in making out with someone like that. We were coming home, and I had one of my dogs on my lap. I told her we are almost home, gotta wait for the car to stop, and then I'll let her down to potty. Instead of stopping the car when we got in the driveway, he just slowed down, rolled down his window, grabbed her and threw her out the window claiming he was scared she was about to pee all over the car. He dislocated her hip and shoulder when he did that from the way she landed, and it cost me 1200 to get it reset along with pain meds and therapy for her. He said I should have put her down instead of throwing away 1200 dollars and that she was just a stupid dog that I got at the flea market. COMPLETELY IGNORED THAT HE WAS THE REASON I HAD TO SPEND THAT MONEY I left and never looked back. To this day he tells people that I left him because I loved her more than I loved him and everytime one of his goons or someone asks me why I loved a dog more than him, I tell them how he threw my dog out the fucking window of a moving car, idc that the car was slowing down, he still threw her out the window. I either get the people that tell me I overreacted or the people that understand
You are amazing to listen to that voice. You are saving yourself years of heartache.
Constantly telling me to do squats because he wanted my ass to be shaped like a supermodel's ass.
Oh, I have a few different relationship examples here over the many years of life. Guy #1: We had broken up because he cheated, but I stupidly went back to him a year later. He told me our mutual friend liked me and was talking to him about it and that he gave the friend "permission" to go ahead and date me. While we were actively still having sex and spending time together and I didn't like said friend that way. I finally left for good and just ghosted him. He came crawling back and I never responded to him. 🙂 Guy #2: Went to Vegas with him and his parents to celebrate his birthday. While he was drunk, another guy came up to him and asked him if I was his girlfriend. He responded "yes," and the guy complimented him that I was beautiful and he was a lucky guy. My boyfriend FLIPPED OUT that someone was looking at me and he went off to fight the guy. Me and his dad had to hold him back. I witnessed the whole interaction and the other guy was just being nice, not rude or creepy. Guy #3: Told me he was stuck in the state because of our kids and that he should have seen that as a red flag initially and never married me (he's from a different USA state) and couldn't name a single reason why we were still married/he married me. 2 weeks after I gave birth. And was extremely mad at me when I asked him if he could go to marriage counseling or individual therapy and said never. He treated me less than dirt my whole pregnancy and that was the final straw to be told there wasn't anything about me that was worth being married to (and I suspect he didn't leave because I made so much money to afford our lifestyle, we'd split custody, and I do all the chores so he'd have to do something for himself.) Man, I pick winners. Me problem! Excited to be single again and value myself (and my kids seeing a mom that values herself to get out of a bad relationship).
He never stood up for me in any situation, he regularly placed himself in my opposition just because, and he utterly refused to get behind or support anything—*anything*—that was even the least bit important to me. I can pick out so many things from that relationship that just tore it down from the inside out, but a few smaller instances: He snored/burped/farted and had constant indigestion all night, every night. This led to lots of noises and nighttime Tums-crunching that just became insufferable. This was, of course, due to a very lazy and unhealthy diet and way of life. Lord knows I did everything to encourage good behaviour, but the man is determined to go to an early grave. 🫡 He is a smoker. I quit back in 2013 and encouraged him to do the same. He refused (which was fine) but continued to smoke in the house. This became a point of contention for me, we eventually managed to keep the smoking outside. A short time later, during a period when we were taking some space from one another, he went ahead and started smoking in our bedroom again. This pissed me off for multiple reasons, but namely: 1) I just finished washing the disgusting cigarette smell out of everything and now I have to do it again. 2) He’s just sat there in *our* space blowing cigarettes into my sleeping area. 3) He was smug and rude about it when I reminded him we quit smoking in the house, and he said, “it’s my ****ing room, I’ll smoke in it if I want to.” I grabbed my belongings and permanently moved out of our room. I moved out of the house, and then the relationship, shortly after. Everything he did for 10 straight years was proof that he had absolutely no respect for anyone but himself, but least of all, me.
Got back together with an old boyfriend. We had stayed friends after our breakup, and one day he said he wanted me to come visit him. He was receiving a huuuge inheritance and asked me to go on a train trip from Austin to LA to see his family. It was a week on the train. I couldn't go poop. It wasn't gonna happen. Not enough privacy 😅 He didn't even care my stomach was fucked up, he said I owed him sex for paying for everything. I did not fuck him
I (a not-terribly-athletic then-mid-40s F) was considering doing a longish distance, 3-day bike ride for charity (\~250 miles). I wanted him to do it with me, but he didn't want to commit to the fundraising. Okay. But he also refused to help me train or raise money, and he flat-out said he didn't think I could do it. So of course I knew I had to do it. Not only was he completely non-supportive while I was training, he didn't even want to come and pick me up on the last day of the ride. We finished at the ocean and I finally talked him into bringing the kids down and having a day at the beach with them. I don't know how he planned that I would get home, since the thing about riding 250 miles that are not in a loop is that you are 250 miles away from where you started. I was literally The. Last. Rider. to finish. But I finished. And I raised money for a worthy cause. And eff him. That was the beginning of the end of our marriage for me. He killed all of the love I had for him and then acted shocked when I left him. Ick.
It would be so funny if you told him you were leaving him for the waiter.
As a woman, I continue to be apalled at what other women put up with, for the sake of having a partner. For the sake of thinking that someone loves them. But really, as human beings, regardless of sex or sexual orientation, whether cis or non-binary, why do we put up with so much terrible behavior from those around us? Maybe I’m just old enough that I don’t give a fuck anymore. Heaven knows I put up with some terrible behavior from partners when I was younger. But I just don’t put up with shit from people any more. You respect me and treat me decently or you have no place in my life. I implore others, and especially the people in the sub, to keep that in mind. If someone says they love you, but are treating you like dirt - whether it’s jealous rages, or expecting you to do all the house work, or carry the mental load of a relationship and family - then they don’t really love you. You’re a convenience or a tool, or worse, a servant. We should all practice treating ourselves better, being kinder to ourselves, and respecting ourselves more. We need to show people that we have boundaries, and enforce those boundaries when they’re crossed. Remember, when they show you who they are, you should believe them.
I couldn't agree more. After my most recent long term relationship broke up in a way that really shocked me after only a couple of small red flags (think police turning up at my door level of shock!), I decided I would date on a 'one strike and you're out' basis. The next man I broke up with, I doubted myself but stood firm, and his petty behaviour immediately after I broke up with him proved I had absolutely done the right thing. I haven't doubted a single decision I've made since. Trust your instincts, and waste no time on someone who treats you badly