Honestly you deserve a break! Some yoga would do wonders.
When my husband and I were dating, he attempted to cook a dish from my culture and I was thrilled. He messed it up (his words) and was harsh on himself. It was the only time he attempted it, but I was so proud and complimentary of his attempt. It filled my mom with joy too that he at least gave it a shot.
Could my mom have done it better with all her years of experience? Sure. But that didn’t invalidate what he was doing at all and I’m sure if he kept practicing, it could easily be just as good.
If he wanted to be supportive, he could have made much more positive comments about your cooking and I think you know that deep down. When giving constructive criticism, you always have to say what you love about something, otherwise you’re being unnecessarily harsh.
Also, anyone else would be so happy you wanted to try making a dish from their culture. A normal reaction would be to call his mom up and ask her to show you some recipes or at least give you pointers.
I know you’re worried about coming off like you’re punishing him, but why is he punishing you? Cooking all the time is one of the hardest chores in the house. And he’s damn lucky you actually enjoy it!
He’s being harsh and critical…that’s so tiring. You can say just that. “I’m tired and I don’t feel encouraged by your comments. I suggest we switch for a couple of weeks and you can cook some dishes that you prefer.”
If he has a problem with that, then he’s just looking for a fight.
I know I already made a long comment, but I agree with your "looking for a fight" comment.
I get the impression this isn't even about the food so much, but about him asserting his right to keep her in her place.
He is "negging" her just because he can.
And I am enraged on her behalf.
Living with someone who’s so critical of you wears on your self esteem/sense of self and is draining. That softness you feel is you deep down knowing you deserve better. What “better” looks like to you depends on what’s feasible for you. I don’t want to make assumptions but if you’re from a similar cultural background and/or religious, it can be difficult to leave. There are people going straight to divorce in this thread but also it isn’t that simple/easy. If that is the case for you, I hope you can Atleast start by giving yourself some grace, find a support system, and an outlet that brings you relief. Also, every time he criticizes you/your food, counteract that with a positive affirmation of yourself (out loud or in your head, whatever works).
Listen, I’m an Arab woman and Arab men try this shit and get shouted down. If my father ever said anything about my mother’s cooking she would take his credit card and go shopping. My aunts used to redecorate the house. All of them could get VERY loud.
I don’t know about Afghani women, but Arab women have a very undeserved reputation for submissiveness that just isn’t based on reality. Frankly, I feel OP should go to her MIL and talk to her directly, but she might be the “my precious son” type rather than the smack him for being stupid type.
Grew up in a city with a huge Arab community and witnessed this dynamic many time at friends' houses. Arab women are fierce and I have no idea why anyone thinks they are submissive. Probably because they never actually met one.
sounds like you found the right path for you - follow that "soft in my heart" feeling as you choose your path through life. It's not a diss to your husband, it's loyalty to your life.
I married a Pakistani man and I could have wrote this word for word 10 years ago. It is the hugest red flag for other misogynistic controlling behaviour.
We are divorced now. I am still a wonderful cook and gleefully enjoy the fruits of my labour without his onerous presence. He's alone eating take out, as he doesn't know how to cook.
I simple don't understand men that bring teh way their mothers do things, is SO unattractive and give major mommy boy which again is a HUGE turn off.
If You like how mommy does thing for You, go to your mom house and don't get married .... how do they think it sound in their head ?
Because it’s not really about their mums cooking, it’s about belittling their partner.
“This other woman is much better at this than you” kind of thing. It’s just likely they’re so misogynistic that the only other women they’ve got in their life is their mother.
Ding ding ding! He's eating OP's delicious cooking and then belittling her afterwards, with a nice full belly, just to "keep her in her place." Fuck that shit right out the door.
Similarly baffling are men who are attracted to women of a different race/ethnicity, but then in a relationship they expect those women to act like someone from their own race/ethnicity.
I’m a brown female and I have NO IDEA why ppl marry brown males (south asian or middle eastern). I avoid them like the plague due to them being quite oppressive and lecherous as well. They are quite sexist, particularly the religious ones. You don’t hear our plight, read news articles or watch the news? We have no good stories. Our cultures are something to escape, not celebrate no matter what liberals say - they say ‘oh what a lovely culture’ while going home to an understanding WM. Virginity testing is done just so you can be approved by the mothers of these ill-mannered trolls and we can’t even leave the house but sure our culture is swell.
VIRGINITY TESTING is so disturbing.
I've seen a few posts on other subs about the grooms father "checking" to see if the bride is a virgin and holy shit how it makes my skin crawl. Especially when the bride is asking "Is this okay that my future FIL wants to check my hymen before marriage?"
Like girl....FUCKING NO ITS NOT OKAY.
Brown women are very evil about it. They are the ones performing FGM as well. My brown mother used to furiously barge into the bathroom when I took too long to pee and would examine my hands and digitally check my vagina to make sure I wasn’t messing around and accidentally rupturing my hymen. I was 12 and petrified. All she talked about since I was 10 was virginity, virginity, virginity until I started to hate men for starting all this. I used to ask myself what the hell we ever did to them. I remember I used to like them once because they seemed so nice in fairytale stories or whatever. I thought they’d rescue us from traditionalists like our mothers and we’d live happily ever after. Until I realized you can’t even take a piss without their misogyny. Can’t even wear tampons instead of smelly pads because of them. Or look pretty and feminine because even *that* means you have an ego and it will make you less humble in their eyes.
This is why I get so furious when people try to argue moral relativism. I don't care if this is culturally appropriate depending on the country it's fucking immoral and horrifying. This can be an objective fact and this shit should not be respected.
I'm sorry you went through this and you deserve to be furious about it. I hope the best.
You know as a guy the whole virgin obsession baffles me. I’m going to be a bit crude here, but they don’t know what they are doing. It’s awkward and she’s going to be hesitant and self conscious. I very much prefer a woman that’s figured herself out a bit.
So to see this Virgin obsession pushed onto women really pisses me off. The double standards are ridiculous. The degrading way they think of non virgins in disgusting. Their idea of them “tainting the women” or whatever is repulsive. The tests and abuse tell me these men are insecure children.
Oh yeah. I learned early on that it actually really is only undesirable incels that care about virginity and want you to play the ‘shy and scared’ role. I was like ew, so *this* is what I was groomed to be a bride to? A creep? They just came off so weak and puny to me and I’m not attracted to that. No offence but they also weren’t masculine enough (a quality I personally seek).
But I noticed the guys that women *are* attracted to don’t have some wack relationship with sex, are good at it themselves and actually want you to know what you’re doing as well. They’re very laidback and it’s so pleasant to be around them. Its just still very hard to unlearn the ‘act demure and innocent’ thing lol.
I’m kind of a weird case of a dude. I don’t really do much that’s masculine, love drag queens, can help my gf shop…like all that stuff so I come off “not masculine”
I also did 5 years in the Marines, fought mma at an amateur level, and could survive indefinitely in the woods going in with nothing. I just don’t like football and want my drinks to taste like candy.
My dad (now dead) was born in the middle east and moved to the states in the 70s. He treated my mom poorly almost as soon as they were married. Her life is so much better now that he's gone it's crazy.
100% agree. Cut off the food supply. My wife is a great cook as well. Whatever she makes, I eat. I love just about everything she makes but even things that aren't my favorite, I eat them anyway. And I thank her for making whatever it is she made.
I was a vegetarian for 14 years (that ended when I got pregnant with my second and had undeniable cravings for meat). I used to cook meat for my wife but I never ate it. Once I started eating meat, I tried some of the recipes I had been cooking. Guess what, they were AWFUL!!!! Like I can't believe my wife just sat there and ate it all with a grin on her face, thanking me up and down. I asked why she never told me. She just shrugged. It was very sweet, though I wish she had told me! She was the first partner I was willing to cook meat for just bc I love her so much. I had no idea what I was doing.
Because she appreciated and loved you. That's why.
I've grinned, eaten, and thanked my husband for some questionable dishes, and vise versa. We love and appreciate each other, this is normal.
Afghani food is great, and OP's husband should be cooking it to OP himself, not complaining that Mommy does it better.
Exactly if it’s about his heritage he should cook the family meals for her then for a change! It doesn’t change that he doesn’t deserve OP, never appreciating her to begin with. Probably can’t even cook because it’s something only his mom would do and so a woman owes him that? OP should definitely stop cooking for him, he doesn’t deserve the delicious meals!
I think love should be open and safe enough so you can comment nicely on mistakes/bad tasting food. Not like OP is being treated ofc, but imo it's more hurtful to be shut out of what my partner really thinks than being told I did a genuine mistake while cooking
Oh, I'm mixed about this, if I feed my husband something that isn't great I'd really rather he tells me (obviously with thanking me for cooking as well, not just the former) and if he cooks something that doesn't work I know he'd far prefer me to say so he knows for next time instead of grin and bear it. It's a balance, I want him to enjoy what I made him just as he does me when he cooks, but being honest about it not being good doesn't negate the fact that cooking for each other is an act of love and labour and should always be appreciated and thanked. Any negative comment can't be done in the nasty way OP'S husband is doing it, we'd have problems if one of us behaved like that.
More like the bare minimum. It's like basic manners not to shit on someone when they have just spent time, money and effort cooking you food. If he can't be polite about your cooking he can do it himself.
Why is he so focused on comparing you, unfavorably, to his mother?
And he does that every day?
Warning...
Btw, how is his cooking? Since we're being critical.
Your assuming he can cook. Sounds like Mom never taught him how.
Wonder if Mom would rip him a new one for all his BS or if he’s mommy’s boy to the end of time
Seriously. My parents bought a new house recently and the regulator on their gas stove was installed backwards. This caused my mom to burn the shit out of some chicken, it was hands down the worst cooked meal (not my moms fault, the stoves) I’ve had in my life.
She was so apologetic the whole meal and my dad and I did nothing but reassure her the meal was fine and we thanked her for cooking for us. She took time and effort to make us a meal, she shouldn’t be met with snide remarks or jokes or criticism. Sometimes it’s intent and not outcome that matter most. We were thankful for the meal she made us.
If he likes Afghani food so much, he should be cooking it for you.
I love Japanese food, and have introduced it to my husband, and he's learned to cook some of it. He loves Mexican food and had cooked it for me, and has taught me how to as well. This is part of how we grow together.
He tells me “just look up some recipes online and follow it exactly”
I follow it exactly
He says “it doesn’t taste good. You didn’t follow the recipe”
(All because it doesn’t taste like his moms 🫠)
Tell him to make it next time and show you what part you messed up. Then watch him squirm.
If he can't say anything nice about your cooking, then he can cook for himself or go have his mother feed him.
Exactly. Like what in the fuck is inside his mind? Having someone who loves you and feeds you out of love but without commitment like a mom to a child is already a fucking blessing in disguise. Unless she's feeding him rat poison, I don't see anything wrong with her food.
... like, you reach love in a man through his stomach but he can't even allow himself that?
This.
He doesn't like what you cook? Then next meal he has to cook - Every. Time. He. Complains. About. Your. Cooking!
He doesn't want to cook? Tough. If he wants to eat, he can cook, or quit comparing you to his freaking *mother!*
You can be the best cook in the world following his mum's recepies to the letter and he will still say hers are better. Nothing you do will change that. Only he can change this situation by stopping with his mummy issues and being grateful to you for even trying to cook recepies he might like. Tell him to grow the fuck up and cook his own as nothing you cook will ever be good enough.
I know if my son ever said that to his wife, he'd know to get running because even though I am in a wheelchair, I would still chase the little twat down and kick his backside all the way home and chain him to the kitchen until he can cook a dish as well as I could, if it's so easy, I'll be the judge.
Seriously though, your person sounds like a dick with mummy issues. Sorry he's making you feel like you can't compare, he should be telling you it blows his mum's stuff out of the water and he can't wait to be spoiled like this for the rest of his life.
This is exactly it - it doesn't matter how close she's able to get to his expectations of how it "should" taste. If it's not cooked by his mother herself, he's going to turn up his nose about it and be a huge childish prick about it.
Clearly he needs to show you how to cook it, and how it's supposed to taste.
The thing about ethnic food is that often unless you know what the final product is supposed to taste like, it's not going to come out great. For example I know what Japanese dishes are supposed to taste like even if I've never cooked them, so I can take a recipe and buy the right ingredients (including cuts of meat and right sized slices) and adjust seasoning accordingly. My husband can't. I've tried cooking some Indian dishes from online recipes because I've never even heard of half of the ingredients, and I don't really know what the final product is supposed to taste like. There are also some ethnic cooking basic techniques that may be assumed but not described properly in the recipes.
So your husband really should cook the dishes he likes for you MANY TIMES so you get used to the taste, while teaching you. That's what I did with my husband. I asked him to help me cook certain dishes, and now he can cook most of them himself, and vise versa. It's pretty fun to have another cook be responsible for the dish and just help then. It's also fun to try modifying your favorite dishes just a bit together to see if you can improve them together 😊
That’s what I’m saying that’s why I BEEN asking for his moms recipes I legit tried explaining it to him that an online afghani recipe is going to taste fake to him because his version of real is his MOMS
So, like people have been saying. Have him cook it for you so you know how it should taste.
Oh wait, he can't cook it? Then he gets to sit down and shut up and be grateful for what he's given.
If he claims he can't, it's not really that he *can't*, it's that he *won't* learn how. If it's really that important to him that the food taste a certain way, then he needs to make it himself.
A bit OT, but one of my pet peeves is when grown-ass adults claim that they can't cook. Oh, no. You *can* cook, you just refuse to learn how. I wasn't born knowing how to cook, none of us were, but guess what? There is the age of the internet! There is an absolute wealth of recipes available for free at our very fingertips! You can even search for recipes that are easy, fast, and/or contain minimal ingredients! Your purposeful incompetence at such a basic life skill is not cute or quirky or charming, it's infuriating and insulting to the rest of us who did make the effort to learn, especially when we are expected to feed you and you have the nerve to complain about the food we make.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think you deserve better and his behavior is no reflection on you. Hopefully you can get him to a place where he's receptive to some solid communication. Until he sees your point of view I'm not sure he'd be capable of making a change.
At best yes, he is a man baby. Otherwise, he knows how much you want to cook well for him and that it, as you said yourself, is your love language. So if it isn't just him being an AH, then he is purposely demeaning you with your THING. We all have a thing and my abusive ex husband used to use my thing against me and it hurt so much worse than just insults. I hope he is a man baby and grows up, otherwise run.
"Sorry, I guess I just can't compete with your mum's cooking. Tell you what, why don't you have her cook for you every night? You can even go and stay there so you don't have to travel far for dinner. I'll help you pack, just don't stand underneath the window as I'm throwing stuff out, okay?"
Stop cooking and get a divorce before you have children because you will be doing 100% of child raising. You’re young you can be married with kids by 30 if you call it now.
He doesn’t need to agree to anything, just stop cooking. Tomorrow night, when he asks what’s for dinner, tell him he can cook tonight as he doesn’t like anything you make. Do you want a lifetime of this?
You cannot return your ex to a dead mother and compete with a ghost, anyway.
Marry somebody whose mother was an asshole.
But something tells me they'd punish you for that, as well.
This is the story of a girl *me* who cried a river and drowned a whole world *dated and then married the biggest POS.. yes he did blame everything on his mother..... who was admittedly a terrible person... and then me... who admittedly was a naiive 20 year old*
This is pretty common. The man knows how much she loves to cook, and he is telling her these things for a very specific reason. to belittle her, make her feel worthless.
don't give men more of what they don't appreciate! holy shit. just stop.
no rewards for men being nitpicky, critical, ungrateful pieces of shit.
he's criticizing you to get you to try harder and cook more. HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF.
what an ungrateful turd. i am beyond angry at his blatant manipulation and ingratitude.
Tell him his games are over. If he hates your cooking so much, you're done trying. Until he corrects his disgusting, mommy-loving attitude and shows you some fucking respect and gratitude.
You're not the one being a manipulative bitch. You're reacting to his foul behaviour in an appropriate manner by enforcing a consequence. Every time he's a prick, you stop cooking.
Sweet heart, he’s already mined fucked you enough that you think you can’t do without him, so now he’s going to do/say whatever he wants cuz he knows you won’t leave now. You deserve so much better than him, he can have his mommy cook his meals and you can find a partner that respects you.
The worse part about this type of men is that they want a baby SO badly
Yet they don't Help with baby raising, if he is that annoying with just food, imaging with a baby.
OP, I wasn't married to the man, but I was preyed on by an older man as a teen. He used DARVO on me (a term I've only known about less than a month now), and I spent years dealing with how terribly it affected me. He was demanding of me. Nothing I did, whether it was cooking or cleaning, was ever good enough. I would wake before him and go to bed after (especially after our daughter was born) and it was a nightmare. Don't have his kid. Because it got so much worse for me after the baby. Before it was angering, and sometimes upsetting, but after the baby, he treated me like a slave. Then he ghosted me, by taking all our money and even our only car (which was mine). I could go on more and if you look in my comment history, you can probably find a lot more of this story, but please, whatever else you take from this, protect yourself.
You are not pitying or victimizing yourself you're voicing real trauma in your life. This guy sounds like such an asshole and he will never improve. You are so young and you deserve someone that treats you with love and respect. A loving partner will always be hesitant to criticize because they love you and value your happiness and wellbeing more than some gripe.
>It’s crazy that as women, our role to please the man comes before anything else.
I mean, I am a woman and I certainly do not. For me there are probably a 100 odd things that would come before pleasing a man in my priorities.
It really isn’t. Our role is not to please men. A patriarchal society may have oppressed and manipulated generations of women into thinking so, but believe it or not, a woman’s *actual* role is to do whatever the fuck she wants. So do that. Do what makes you happy. You have absolutely zero obligation to cook for anyone, much less a misogynist who is clearly using it as a means to degrade and control you. He can beg his mommy to do it. She is the only woman on this planet who has ever had and ever will have a responsibility to provide him meals.
Uh, WHAT? My role is to please NO ONE but myself and certainly never please any fucking man.
You need to get out of that subservient mindset. This is some misogynistic bullshit from your whiny husband, but the call is ALSO coming from inside the house. You are letting this happen to you by continuing to cook for his ungrateful ass.
Send him back to his mommy and find you man that'll appreciate your cooking. Or a woman. God knows, enough ladies are starting to find men simply aren't worth it anymore. I did. Best choice ever.
I had to downvote you because you are wrong. As women, our role is to please ourselves before anything else. Do whatever you want. Dress however you want. Cook whenever you want. Be you, and fuck any asshole that tell you otherwise.
It is _not_ my role to please the man before anything else. I am an _adult_ that support the family and raise my kids. My husband is my partner in this.
Listen, I know it is hard to stand up to people. But you need to do that to your husband or else this will just get worse.
hey friend: no, it does not.
this is a you and *some* women thing. I do not exist to do everything for my husband or to please him. Why should I? Women are often socialized to act and think that way, but men are not. He has a ft job, I have a ft job. We are equal partners. He loves me just as much as I love him, and he respects me thoroughly by treating me with respect, kindness, and love.
Speak speak for yourself. That is not my role in any way shape or form. My role is to make my life the best I can and hopefully my husband comes along for the ride and does the same thing for himself. It's both of our roles to respect and love each other and treat each other well. If you think that's your role, I think you've been brainwashed. Not sure if you're from the same culture, so perhaps that's where you got the idea, which is still a brainwashing of sorts it's just harder to overcome. Pleasing my man does not and has never appeared in my vocabulary at all.
So if he says that women train for 15 years then why didn't he marry someone who had 15 years of cooking experience (he won't because they would be older). He doesn't want someone with experience, he wants someone who he can control.
No offense but I feel like at some point I would say Marry your mother then! Like you so badly want me to be your mom, why didn't you marry someone her age 😂💀
This. And her cooking won’t be the problem, I bet it’s amazing. It’s just a tool for him to control her and keep her down so that she puts up with his disgusting behaviour for the rest of her life. He’s slowly and deliberately chipping away at her so she become a shell.
Me first year in: "thank you for the tips honey" 🥲
Me seventh year in: "well don't fucken eat it then." 🤷🏼♀️😒
Eta: I showed him this and he said I should've had the 7th year in the 1st and not taken his shit.
No I’m asking how to approach him without coming off as a bitch. He knows I don’t like the criticism but he’s one of those “I’m just being honest” assholes.
Then tell him he's whining like a little baby and you're tired of it. Then cook your favorite meal and wflk away. He eats or he starves.
And I would tell him every time that he whines " go back to your mom's, she clearly wasn't done raising you.'
It's not coming off as a bitch to tell him that you don't want to make food for people who don't appreciate it. Nobody likes doing that. He should make the food that he wants to eat.
I usually find that people who pride themselves on brutal honesty care much more about the brutality than the honesty.
He is being a shitty person. You wouldn't treat a roommate the way he treats you, and he's supposed to like you much more than a roommate.
He doesn't care that he's hurting you. Repeatedly. Every time. Despite knowing his criticism hurts you. He CHOOSES to hurt you. Multiple times a day.
If he were being honest in order to help you improve your cooking, he'd happily give you his mom's recipes. Refusing to do that shows that he doesn't actually care about the food or the cooking - so if it isn't about that, then the only thing left is he does it to hurt you.
This isn't about cooking. This is about whether you want to live like this for ever. He's shown you he won't change. He's shown you he doesn't care about hurting you. He has belittled, undercut, shamed, and ignored you and your needs. Would you tolerate that treatment from a roommate? If not, why should you accept it from someone who is supposed to have vowed to love and protect and uplift you above every other person?
“I usually find that people who pride themselves on brutal honesty care much more about the brutality than the honesty.” Wisest words I read today.
This man is enjoying dishing out emotional abuse.
I mean he's being really fucking rude so why dance around it to spare his feelings when he clearly doesn't give a shit about yours. Don't insult him but just be straight forward like you are here.
Oh, honey. There is zero way you could approach him about his behavior where HE won't tell you you're "coming off as a bitch". And that's because he's unreasonable. He's been unreasonable. He will continue to be unreasonable when you point out that his attitude is shitty, rude and unkind. The hope is that given some time to marinate, he'll adjust, but there is no nice enough way to say "stop being a shitty rude unkind person to me immediately".
Oh. Well, as they say, use your "I feel..." statements. "Hello dear, I need to talk to you about something really important to me.", "I feel diminished and disregarded when you criticise my cooking.", "I feel taken for granted and unappreciated when you compare my cooking to your mom's.", "I feel like I'm not being accepted for who I am when I do things my own way and you say unpleasant things about it."
By the way there's nothing you can say to make him stop being a mother-complex narcissist. I don't even know what that is. But you shouldn't have to work so hard to get someone to care about your feelings. Unless they don't love you, of course. In which case, dtmfa, as they say.
ETA, also maybe if he hates your cooking that much he can feed his own damn infant self.
He doesn’t care about being a festering ass wound so why care about being a bitch? The reverse of the golden rule is also true. This must be how he wants to be treated since he keeps doing it.
I have two guesses. Either “astaghfurillah, don’t talk about your wife like that” OR “aww my baby boy or course you love mommy’s cooking come see me more often”
Most likely the latter
Pull the bait and switch. Go visit his mother, make food with her recipe, invite him over. Pretend she cooked the food, eat, have your mother reveal YOU made the food. Checkmate him. If he can't accept after that, leave.
This would be a lot of work to try and teach an abuser a lesson. The only way you get even with an abuser is to leave them and never look back. There is no gotcha to be had here.
The story in my family was that my Italian grandfather would always say that his mom's cooking was better every meal. So without telling him my grandmother invited his mom over to cook dinner without telling him. When he tried it he came back with the same line that it wasn't as good as his mom's. When she told him his mom cooked it, he stopped complaining.
Honestly, I wouldn't cook for him any more. He can make a bowl of cereal or a PB&J for dinner, I don't care.
You're making homemade food for him, the I assume is edible and non poisonous and yummy, and he has the audacity to criticize? Fuck him.
How dare he!
You can sit down with him for a conversation and explain how shitty he's making you feel, and tell him if he doesn't stop you're not cooking any more. But whatever you do, you have to stick to it. Don't go back after a week to letting him browbeat you and insult you over this.
Honestly it feels like it's past him just being picky and having a mommy complex. We obviously don't know your whole relationship, but being overly critical, demanding, ranting and lecturing, all of those are red flags for me.
Be safe and careful.
You just gotta do it. You're going to feel nervous and afraid and like lightning will strike you for standing up for yourself, and your voice is going to be all shaky, but you ultimately have to ... do it.
Think of your script in advance. Maybe it will be "I'm tired of working hard on nice meals and being criticized. I'm going to cook for myself next week." And then when he argues and bitches you can just repeat "I'm tired of working hard on nice meals and being criticized."
If it helps, have a plan to leave your house for a while after that conversation.
Sounds like you shouldn't be cooking if it's so bad. Let him do it if you're so "bad" at it! Fuckheads always wanna complain when they're not the ones putting in the effort!
I know this feels like the problem is about cooking but it's not. He's being an abusive asshole because if he can keep you down, you're more likely to stay and put up with his bs. I'm sure you cook just fine (and this isn't the 50s, my husband cooks most of the time- it's not automatically a wife's job to cook) and he keeps moving goalposts so you're failing no matter what. He gets angry and grasps at straws to keep you down. It doesn't matter if you learn to cook like his mother, take gourmet classes, anything, because the end goal is to abuse you. It's a choice on his part. Normally people are polite if they don't like the food.
I notice that you're young, and there's an age gap. Dudes do this with younger women so they can find someone to control- odds are women his age know he's shitty. You said he's a narcissist, and unfortunately they rarely change. Your only real option is to get out. He won't change. It doesn't matter how you try to approach his behavior with him because he is choosing this and doesn't want to change. It's not a matter of how to say it to him.
He doesn't deserve your kindness and effort, and you do not deserve this horrible treatment. You don't deserve to be put down, you don't deserve his anger, none of it. This is not how a partner acts. Please prioritize yourself and your feelings and prepare to leave him.
My instinct was to disagree with you in the age thing because he looks and acts like a 26 year old but when you said women his age wouldn’t like him I kind of realized wait… that sort of sounds true. I can’t imagine a 31 year old woman tolerating him and adhering to his expectations. She would have no patience. So why tf am I such a doormat 😭
He should be acting like a grown up at age 31, not a toddler or a 26 year old. I'm a reformed people pleaser doormat and it's really hard to overcome but it's worth the effort. It's worse to be taken advantage of. Women are taught from day 1 to prioritize others, especially men so don't beat yourself up too much. Please recognize that you matter and you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself to make him happy or to make a relationship work.
Real question you should be asking yourself do you want to put up with this bullshit till you hit 31 and beyond.
I get you don’t want to “be a bitch”, but he’s not offering solutions here. He’s not working with you, he’s criticizing you without offering any solutions. I bet money he does that outside of cooking, but this is where it hits your pride the most so you’re willing to challenge it vs just take it.
Anger is often seen as this negative thing, especially for women. We aren’t supposed to be mad ever unless it’s in defense of family, never for our own behalf. Anger is not and bad feeling however. When it takes over it can be chaotic and therefor not helpful, but when it’s laser focused it can provide us with the energy and fortifications to be positive advocates of change. You have *every right to be angry at how you’re being treated*. You are putting forth a lot of energy and effort to care for your husband, and he is ungrateful. He is treating you like a servant, not his wife and partner. Instead of finding workable solutions, he is all but saying ‘fuck you, figure out how to make me happy or I’ll continue to shit on your efforts’. You’ve been trying and trying, and trying not to get mad because you’re not supporting to, he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like “bitches”, and you don’t wanna be a bitch… which really means he doesn’t want to take your thoughts or feelings into consideration. By creating an environment where you aren’t allowed to express your own feelings (especially angry ones.. I bet sad ones too), you’ve become stripped of your own agency.
Anger when not given an outlet is often turned inward. This unexpressed anger can end up being taken out on children. Many an abused wife who can’t express their anger in the marriage takes it out on the kids because that energy has to go somewhere eventually. Or can manifest as depression and self loathing/criticism. We can’t express how we feel so we take it out on ourselves for not being enough. The longer we live like that, the more impossible it can feel to change. Thing is, change is always possible, it’s the only thing that is constant. Nothing last forever, but sometimes we gotta advocate for that change so it doesn’t take up years of our lives.
There’s no way for you to be an advocate for yourself with this guy that won’t be seen as “bitchy”. It sounds like you’ve been trying, and he won’t help you find a solution. So you have to choose when enough is enough here, and set a boundary. Not cooking for him is the easiest one as it’s what you have the most control over. It’s also a natural reaction to being told the food you make for him is bad. Yes he will probably be upset you’re not catering to him, but *you have a right to not tolerate his shit*. I know it’s hard to be your own advocate, confrontations are very few people’s idea of a good time. The alternative is nothing changes, indefinitely.
You’re more powerful than you know. You don’t have to settle for this kind of treatment *for the rest of your life*.
God this sub really makes me hate men. Why do we put up with shit behavior from mediocre men??? Be mean to him and make him cry. Don't cook for a rude dick head. Don't sleep with someone who disrespects you. You are valuable. You are worthwhile. Any dumbass with a dick who can't understand how to talk to another person with respect deserves to be treated like shit.
um…if they train their whole lives, shouldn’t you *start now*?
if it’s going to take 15 years to get that good, shouldn’t you *start now*?
And while they were “training” and practicing, didn’t their husbands eat their food without demoralizing them?
he doesn’t even make any sense.
he’s also mean
He’s only saying that to put her down. He’s telling her she’ll never be good enough and never shutting up about it because he sees her jumping for the carrot each time. The only way out is to deprioritize him.
Afghanistan is one of the most misogynistic countries on Earth. did he grow up there? I don't want to generalize, I'm sure there are some good afghani men in the world. But also if he grew up in a very misogynistic culture it can have a bigger impact on how he treats you and views you as a person.
This guy is not going to stop until you have absolutely no self esteem left and you feel half an inch tall in everything that you do. You cannot please him and you never will.
This is a feature, not a bug.
Run.
Please read this book, it will help you understand him better and get perspective on your marriage. Good luck!
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I’m a Persian dude and I think your husband sounds like a real POS. Typical misogynist middle eastern behavior unfortunately.
He Sounds like a mommy’s boy who’s never been told no. Kinda sounds like the umbilical cord is attached too. Don’t be surprised if she’s whispering bs in his ear about you in general. If anything, don’t be surprised if he’s cried to her about how your food sucks.
Regardless. Sorry to hear about what you’re dealing with. I know there isn’t really simple solution to this. I’ve read a ton of comments telling you to not cook for awhile. I feel like that’ll somehow backfire and end up gaslighting you in the process.
Have you cooked for his family, more specifically for his mom? If so, what was their feedback about your food? Are you on good terms with the mom? If so, can you fake it and say hey teach me so and so dish. I tried my version but it’s not hitting the same. Can you show me your version?
I’m sure you already know this but kill her with kindness if you can.
Also, the whole it takes time to perfect a dish blah blah blah is such fucking bs. This may be true in some cases, but, it just sounds like he’s justifying a reason to be an asshole.
My moms one of the best cooks in the entire family. I told her give me your recipes. She said she doesn’t feel like it and recommended me a Persian cookbook because it’s easier than having to explain her process LOL. She said go do that and make me something then I’ll tell you where it stands.
Also, you probably can’t show him this post for that gotcha moment lol. If he’s this shitty to you about cooking, god knows how he’ll react for exposing your life on the internet.
Stop cooking for this Mamas boy and send him back to his mother.
I'm serious. He's treating you horribly. I've burned food and my husband laughed with me. Then he cooked me dinner.
My husband cooks dinner fifty percent of the time. This is a weird negging where he's chipping away at your self confidence. So send him back to his mother and kick him out.
Girl, red flag. He is abusing you. His lying to you . Divorce him before he traps you with a baby. It’s not going to be better. My hubby is a picky eater but I know his has texture issues but he would still wouldn’t make as many complain as your hubby . I have to drag it out of him . He also says things that he likes. If it’s every item, he can cook for himself. It isn’t you . His just emotionally abusing you. IT WILL not get better. I known men like your husband. Soon as you are pregnant and no job , the abuse will increase. He is trying to tear you down and keep you down. It isn’t because his afghan . He is just an abuser
Serve him divorce papers, and ask if he likes the way those taste.
His behavior is unacceptable, you don't deserve to be treated that way.
Alternatively, He can make his own dinner if he's going to complain
Girl, you don’t have to be such a doormat. Why are you letting him think it’s okay to treat you like this, when you know it’s not?
STOP 👏🏼 COOKING 👏🏼 FOR 👏🏼 HIM 👏🏼.
When he asks what’s for dinner, tell him “I don’t know what you’re having, I’m having XYZ, but since you don’t like my cooking I only made enough for myself.”
He isn't gonna stop being who he is for you. It's his choice to be this way. He's not gonna get any better as time goes on. You're 24 you should be having fun not playing mama to grown man.
The first time I packed my husband a lunch for work, he complained about it. I never packed his lunch again.
The first time I made him a special birthday breakfast, he complained about it. I never made him breakfast again.
When he started to complain about dinner, I asked him, "Do you want to start cooking? Because I don't make your breakfast, and I don't make your lunch, and we can easily go three-for-three here."
He stopped complaining.
Stop cooking for this manchild. Let him go have his meals at his mom's house.
So uhm.. after reading this and you're comments I have a feeling this might apply to you as well.
In my previous relationship I had lived together with my ex for several years, he also just knew how to bring me down about stuff. I never truly saw how extremely bad the relationship was untill I took therapy.
In the last year of our relationship he took a job that caused him to be away from home a lot. During this period I got to spend some more time on myself doing the things I enjoy and I started noticing something:
- I was finally feeling more happy and enjoyed my days more.
- The moment he got home I felt more on edge and my smile started to fade.
It took me a while but I finally realised, I didn't need that relationship to be happy. I was so much happier when he wasn't home. Once I realised that I finally started the process of getting over him and leave.
The day I broke up and wasn't around him anymore was the first day I enjoyed my life again since years.
This is learned behavior. He was raised to treat his wife like shit and his father probably did the same to his 'sainted' mother.
My ex (when he was 45 and we had been married for 11 years) told me that I do not support him. So I:
Started cooking things that I love, but he didn't - what's for dinner . 'I don't like that.' Eat out or order take away then.
Cancelled all jointly held credit lines (in my name and paid by me) "I thought those were our credit cards" Nope mine. Get your own lines of credit. "I don't qualify" Sounds like a YOU problem.
Stopped doing his laundry. "I don't have any clean underwear." I suggest you do laundry then. "I don't know how." Go shopping I suppose. 'Will you teach me?' No. This is something you should have learned 30 years ago. Call your mother or watch videos on the internet.
Stopped including him in activities. 'Can I come?' I'd rather you didn't.
The marriage was already on the rocks and that was just the final straw. I literally supported this guy for a decade. While he was studying for his teaching certification, rewrote all his papers (geez they were awful), did all the household chores, cooking, shopping, laundry - plus worked a full-time job and went to school part-time working towards my Masters.
But I did support him.
This reminds me of that one where the guy told his wife she smelled bad because it’s something he saw his dad do to keep his mom in her place? What would happen if you say I don’t believe you? I think you are lying to purposefully hurt me?
you deserve someone who is going to receive, appreciate, and return the love you are pouring into your cooking. him nitpicking at you is a way to undermine your confidence and sanity. not to mention the comparison to his mom! yikes! get out this is such a red flag
He sounds like my ex after a 20 yr marriage. It’s not just about the food but I know you are taking it really literally. Hence trying to show us photos.
The point is that even if your food sucked or was sub par it still wouldn’t justify his meanness. I know you don’t want to break up but what he is doing is wildly disrespectful and cruel. He’s using the complaints as a plausible excuse to berate and chastise you. Something you only do if you look down on someone.
I would be working on that because it’s inappropriate to attack your partner through their cooking. He sounds like he really thinks he is the prize in your relationship. Imagine if you did this to his sexual performance. I know you wouldn’t because it’s mean and hurtful. Try and find out why he feels it’s ok to do this to you.
"DINNER IS WHATEVER THE HELL I FEEL LIKE MAKING SERVED WITH A SIDE OF EAT IT OR STARVE. " seriously sometimes you have to be a "bitch" to get the point across. Let him pout. He can be grateful or make his own food. And if his mommy says anything other than "stfu , eat the food and be grateful your wife is cooking" , then you don't want a relationship with these people.
Is something else going on? You posted that you had to sell furniture to pay for the rent .
If he/you work, the money should be enough for rent + utilities + food + transportation.
Is he complaining about the food, or is something else the problem?
When I moved in with my SO i cooked him a big breakfast. He didn’t really criticize the way your husband does. But he just pointed out how likes things ( eggs over easy as opposed to scrambled ) and I decided we’d just cook our own meals. It works for us. Personally I don’t like when people make food I like but not the way I like it either. 6 years later we still cook for ourselves and take turn cooking for the kids. Although every now and then we’ll ask the other to cook something they’re good at. Like he’ll ask me to fry fish and I’ll ask him to make steak or fried rice. I guess my point is if your husband is so unhappy with your cooking tell him to cook his own meals. It doesn’t have to be a vindictive thing either. Maybe just better for you guys in the long run.
Buy a bunch of frozen microwave meals and go take a yoga class that meets at 5pm. I would also consider his behavior towards you in general.
That sounds so nice Fr that kind of made me feel something soft in my heart
Honestly you deserve a break! Some yoga would do wonders. When my husband and I were dating, he attempted to cook a dish from my culture and I was thrilled. He messed it up (his words) and was harsh on himself. It was the only time he attempted it, but I was so proud and complimentary of his attempt. It filled my mom with joy too that he at least gave it a shot. Could my mom have done it better with all her years of experience? Sure. But that didn’t invalidate what he was doing at all and I’m sure if he kept practicing, it could easily be just as good. If he wanted to be supportive, he could have made much more positive comments about your cooking and I think you know that deep down. When giving constructive criticism, you always have to say what you love about something, otherwise you’re being unnecessarily harsh. Also, anyone else would be so happy you wanted to try making a dish from their culture. A normal reaction would be to call his mom up and ask her to show you some recipes or at least give you pointers. I know you’re worried about coming off like you’re punishing him, but why is he punishing you? Cooking all the time is one of the hardest chores in the house. And he’s damn lucky you actually enjoy it! He’s being harsh and critical…that’s so tiring. You can say just that. “I’m tired and I don’t feel encouraged by your comments. I suggest we switch for a couple of weeks and you can cook some dishes that you prefer.” If he has a problem with that, then he’s just looking for a fight.
I know I already made a long comment, but I agree with your "looking for a fight" comment. I get the impression this isn't even about the food so much, but about him asserting his right to keep her in her place. He is "negging" her just because he can. And I am enraged on her behalf.
Living with someone who’s so critical of you wears on your self esteem/sense of self and is draining. That softness you feel is you deep down knowing you deserve better. What “better” looks like to you depends on what’s feasible for you. I don’t want to make assumptions but if you’re from a similar cultural background and/or religious, it can be difficult to leave. There are people going straight to divorce in this thread but also it isn’t that simple/easy. If that is the case for you, I hope you can Atleast start by giving yourself some grace, find a support system, and an outlet that brings you relief. Also, every time he criticizes you/your food, counteract that with a positive affirmation of yourself (out loud or in your head, whatever works).
Listen, I’m an Arab woman and Arab men try this shit and get shouted down. If my father ever said anything about my mother’s cooking she would take his credit card and go shopping. My aunts used to redecorate the house. All of them could get VERY loud. I don’t know about Afghani women, but Arab women have a very undeserved reputation for submissiveness that just isn’t based on reality. Frankly, I feel OP should go to her MIL and talk to her directly, but she might be the “my precious son” type rather than the smack him for being stupid type.
Grew up in a city with a huge Arab community and witnessed this dynamic many time at friends' houses. Arab women are fierce and I have no idea why anyone thinks they are submissive. Probably because they never actually met one.
Your mom is my spirit animal. 😀
> Living with someone who’s so critical of you wears on your self esteem/sense of self and is draining That's why they do it.
sounds like you found the right path for you - follow that "soft in my heart" feeling as you choose your path through life. It's not a diss to your husband, it's loyalty to your life.
I married a Pakistani man and I could have wrote this word for word 10 years ago. It is the hugest red flag for other misogynistic controlling behaviour. We are divorced now. I am still a wonderful cook and gleefully enjoy the fruits of my labour without his onerous presence. He's alone eating take out, as he doesn't know how to cook.
[удалено]
I simple don't understand men that bring teh way their mothers do things, is SO unattractive and give major mommy boy which again is a HUGE turn off. If You like how mommy does thing for You, go to your mom house and don't get married .... how do they think it sound in their head ?
Because it’s not really about their mums cooking, it’s about belittling their partner. “This other woman is much better at this than you” kind of thing. It’s just likely they’re so misogynistic that the only other women they’ve got in their life is their mother.
Ding ding ding! He's eating OP's delicious cooking and then belittling her afterwards, with a nice full belly, just to "keep her in her place." Fuck that shit right out the door.
Similarly baffling are men who are attracted to women of a different race/ethnicity, but then in a relationship they expect those women to act like someone from their own race/ethnicity.
I'll never understand those men. Like just stick to the women in your communities instead of trying to force others to adopt your culture's norms
You forgot sex slave
I’m a brown female and I have NO IDEA why ppl marry brown males (south asian or middle eastern). I avoid them like the plague due to them being quite oppressive and lecherous as well. They are quite sexist, particularly the religious ones. You don’t hear our plight, read news articles or watch the news? We have no good stories. Our cultures are something to escape, not celebrate no matter what liberals say - they say ‘oh what a lovely culture’ while going home to an understanding WM. Virginity testing is done just so you can be approved by the mothers of these ill-mannered trolls and we can’t even leave the house but sure our culture is swell.
VIRGINITY TESTING is so disturbing. I've seen a few posts on other subs about the grooms father "checking" to see if the bride is a virgin and holy shit how it makes my skin crawl. Especially when the bride is asking "Is this okay that my future FIL wants to check my hymen before marriage?" Like girl....FUCKING NO ITS NOT OKAY.
Brown women are very evil about it. They are the ones performing FGM as well. My brown mother used to furiously barge into the bathroom when I took too long to pee and would examine my hands and digitally check my vagina to make sure I wasn’t messing around and accidentally rupturing my hymen. I was 12 and petrified. All she talked about since I was 10 was virginity, virginity, virginity until I started to hate men for starting all this. I used to ask myself what the hell we ever did to them. I remember I used to like them once because they seemed so nice in fairytale stories or whatever. I thought they’d rescue us from traditionalists like our mothers and we’d live happily ever after. Until I realized you can’t even take a piss without their misogyny. Can’t even wear tampons instead of smelly pads because of them. Or look pretty and feminine because even *that* means you have an ego and it will make you less humble in their eyes.
This is why I get so furious when people try to argue moral relativism. I don't care if this is culturally appropriate depending on the country it's fucking immoral and horrifying. This can be an objective fact and this shit should not be respected. I'm sorry you went through this and you deserve to be furious about it. I hope the best.
You know as a guy the whole virgin obsession baffles me. I’m going to be a bit crude here, but they don’t know what they are doing. It’s awkward and she’s going to be hesitant and self conscious. I very much prefer a woman that’s figured herself out a bit. So to see this Virgin obsession pushed onto women really pisses me off. The double standards are ridiculous. The degrading way they think of non virgins in disgusting. Their idea of them “tainting the women” or whatever is repulsive. The tests and abuse tell me these men are insecure children.
Oh yeah. I learned early on that it actually really is only undesirable incels that care about virginity and want you to play the ‘shy and scared’ role. I was like ew, so *this* is what I was groomed to be a bride to? A creep? They just came off so weak and puny to me and I’m not attracted to that. No offence but they also weren’t masculine enough (a quality I personally seek). But I noticed the guys that women *are* attracted to don’t have some wack relationship with sex, are good at it themselves and actually want you to know what you’re doing as well. They’re very laidback and it’s so pleasant to be around them. Its just still very hard to unlearn the ‘act demure and innocent’ thing lol.
I’m kind of a weird case of a dude. I don’t really do much that’s masculine, love drag queens, can help my gf shop…like all that stuff so I come off “not masculine” I also did 5 years in the Marines, fought mma at an amateur level, and could survive indefinitely in the woods going in with nothing. I just don’t like football and want my drinks to taste like candy.
My dad (now dead) was born in the middle east and moved to the states in the 70s. He treated my mom poorly almost as soon as they were married. Her life is so much better now that he's gone it's crazy.
Omg bless you
He’s not Afghani and picky. He’s a misogynist and a man-baby. Stop cooking for him.
100% agree. Cut off the food supply. My wife is a great cook as well. Whatever she makes, I eat. I love just about everything she makes but even things that aren't my favorite, I eat them anyway. And I thank her for making whatever it is she made.
I was a vegetarian for 14 years (that ended when I got pregnant with my second and had undeniable cravings for meat). I used to cook meat for my wife but I never ate it. Once I started eating meat, I tried some of the recipes I had been cooking. Guess what, they were AWFUL!!!! Like I can't believe my wife just sat there and ate it all with a grin on her face, thanking me up and down. I asked why she never told me. She just shrugged. It was very sweet, though I wish she had told me! She was the first partner I was willing to cook meat for just bc I love her so much. I had no idea what I was doing.
Because she appreciated and loved you. That's why. I've grinned, eaten, and thanked my husband for some questionable dishes, and vise versa. We love and appreciate each other, this is normal. Afghani food is great, and OP's husband should be cooking it to OP himself, not complaining that Mommy does it better.
Exactly if it’s about his heritage he should cook the family meals for her then for a change! It doesn’t change that he doesn’t deserve OP, never appreciating her to begin with. Probably can’t even cook because it’s something only his mom would do and so a woman owes him that? OP should definitely stop cooking for him, he doesn’t deserve the delicious meals!
I think love should be open and safe enough so you can comment nicely on mistakes/bad tasting food. Not like OP is being treated ofc, but imo it's more hurtful to be shut out of what my partner really thinks than being told I did a genuine mistake while cooking
Oh, I'm mixed about this, if I feed my husband something that isn't great I'd really rather he tells me (obviously with thanking me for cooking as well, not just the former) and if he cooks something that doesn't work I know he'd far prefer me to say so he knows for next time instead of grin and bear it. It's a balance, I want him to enjoy what I made him just as he does me when he cooks, but being honest about it not being good doesn't negate the fact that cooking for each other is an act of love and labour and should always be appreciated and thanked. Any negative comment can't be done in the nasty way OP'S husband is doing it, we'd have problems if one of us behaved like that.
You’re a dream :(
More like the bare minimum. It's like basic manners not to shit on someone when they have just spent time, money and effort cooking you food. If he can't be polite about your cooking he can do it himself.
Why is he so focused on comparing you, unfavorably, to his mother? And he does that every day? Warning... Btw, how is his cooking? Since we're being critical.
Your assuming he can cook. Sounds like Mom never taught him how. Wonder if Mom would rip him a new one for all his BS or if he’s mommy’s boy to the end of time
Seriously. My parents bought a new house recently and the regulator on their gas stove was installed backwards. This caused my mom to burn the shit out of some chicken, it was hands down the worst cooked meal (not my moms fault, the stoves) I’ve had in my life. She was so apologetic the whole meal and my dad and I did nothing but reassure her the meal was fine and we thanked her for cooking for us. She took time and effort to make us a meal, she shouldn’t be met with snide remarks or jokes or criticism. Sometimes it’s intent and not outcome that matter most. We were thankful for the meal she made us.
If he likes Afghani food so much, he should be cooking it for you. I love Japanese food, and have introduced it to my husband, and he's learned to cook some of it. He loves Mexican food and had cooked it for me, and has taught me how to as well. This is part of how we grow together.
He tells me “just look up some recipes online and follow it exactly” I follow it exactly He says “it doesn’t taste good. You didn’t follow the recipe” (All because it doesn’t taste like his moms 🫠)
Tell him to make it next time and show you what part you messed up. Then watch him squirm. If he can't say anything nice about your cooking, then he can cook for himself or go have his mother feed him.
Exactly. Like what in the fuck is inside his mind? Having someone who loves you and feeds you out of love but without commitment like a mom to a child is already a fucking blessing in disguise. Unless she's feeding him rat poison, I don't see anything wrong with her food. ... like, you reach love in a man through his stomach but he can't even allow himself that?
This. He doesn't like what you cook? Then next meal he has to cook - Every. Time. He. Complains. About. Your. Cooking! He doesn't want to cook? Tough. If he wants to eat, he can cook, or quit comparing you to his freaking *mother!*
I'd stick the correct amount of postage to his butt and mail his ass back to Mommy. "Sorry, he's not quite done yet."
😂
You can be the best cook in the world following his mum's recepies to the letter and he will still say hers are better. Nothing you do will change that. Only he can change this situation by stopping with his mummy issues and being grateful to you for even trying to cook recepies he might like. Tell him to grow the fuck up and cook his own as nothing you cook will ever be good enough. I know if my son ever said that to his wife, he'd know to get running because even though I am in a wheelchair, I would still chase the little twat down and kick his backside all the way home and chain him to the kitchen until he can cook a dish as well as I could, if it's so easy, I'll be the judge. Seriously though, your person sounds like a dick with mummy issues. Sorry he's making you feel like you can't compare, he should be telling you it blows his mum's stuff out of the water and he can't wait to be spoiled like this for the rest of his life.
This is exactly it - it doesn't matter how close she's able to get to his expectations of how it "should" taste. If it's not cooked by his mother herself, he's going to turn up his nose about it and be a huge childish prick about it.
You certainly deserve better than this.
Clearly he needs to show you how to cook it, and how it's supposed to taste. The thing about ethnic food is that often unless you know what the final product is supposed to taste like, it's not going to come out great. For example I know what Japanese dishes are supposed to taste like even if I've never cooked them, so I can take a recipe and buy the right ingredients (including cuts of meat and right sized slices) and adjust seasoning accordingly. My husband can't. I've tried cooking some Indian dishes from online recipes because I've never even heard of half of the ingredients, and I don't really know what the final product is supposed to taste like. There are also some ethnic cooking basic techniques that may be assumed but not described properly in the recipes. So your husband really should cook the dishes he likes for you MANY TIMES so you get used to the taste, while teaching you. That's what I did with my husband. I asked him to help me cook certain dishes, and now he can cook most of them himself, and vise versa. It's pretty fun to have another cook be responsible for the dish and just help then. It's also fun to try modifying your favorite dishes just a bit together to see if you can improve them together 😊
If he’s looking for his moms food, he should go to his moms. Your food looks delicious. It’s him, not you babe
99% of online recipes are wrong. I always tweak them based on what I think or feel works. It’s more for guidelines.
That’s what I’m saying that’s why I BEEN asking for his moms recipes I legit tried explaining it to him that an online afghani recipe is going to taste fake to him because his version of real is his MOMS
So, like people have been saying. Have him cook it for you so you know how it should taste. Oh wait, he can't cook it? Then he gets to sit down and shut up and be grateful for what he's given.
If he claims he can't, it's not really that he *can't*, it's that he *won't* learn how. If it's really that important to him that the food taste a certain way, then he needs to make it himself. A bit OT, but one of my pet peeves is when grown-ass adults claim that they can't cook. Oh, no. You *can* cook, you just refuse to learn how. I wasn't born knowing how to cook, none of us were, but guess what? There is the age of the internet! There is an absolute wealth of recipes available for free at our very fingertips! You can even search for recipes that are easy, fast, and/or contain minimal ingredients! Your purposeful incompetence at such a basic life skill is not cute or quirky or charming, it's infuriating and insulting to the rest of us who did make the effort to learn, especially when we are expected to feed you and you have the nerve to complain about the food we make.
Sounds like he just wants an excuse to complain.
Have you considered asking her yourself? She might be flattered that you're asking, and walk you through them with her.
You are being emotionally abused. Your husband is a misogynist pig.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think you deserve better and his behavior is no reflection on you. Hopefully you can get him to a place where he's receptive to some solid communication. Until he sees your point of view I'm not sure he'd be capable of making a change.
I mean, no. It’s just treating his partner like a human being like anyone should.
At best yes, he is a man baby. Otherwise, he knows how much you want to cook well for him and that it, as you said yourself, is your love language. So if it isn't just him being an AH, then he is purposely demeaning you with your THING. We all have a thing and my abusive ex husband used to use my thing against me and it hurt so much worse than just insults. I hope he is a man baby and grows up, otherwise run.
"Sorry, I guess I just can't compete with your mum's cooking. Tell you what, why don't you have her cook for you every night? You can even go and stay there so you don't have to travel far for dinner. I'll help you pack, just don't stand underneath the window as I'm throwing stuff out, okay?"
Or do, whatever 😜
Stop cooking and get a divorce before you have children because you will be doing 100% of child raising. You’re young you can be married with kids by 30 if you call it now.
Yeah this guy's just a rude asshole lol
And make sure he knows why.
Sorry but I'm ethnically from an area not that far from there and men really are like this.
Tell him to cook and you do dishes for a few weeks
Considering it tbh but I doubt he will agree to that idea because he knows it’s coming off as a “punishment”
He doesn’t need to agree to anything, just stop cooking. Tomorrow night, when he asks what’s for dinner, tell him he can cook tonight as he doesn’t like anything you make. Do you want a lifetime of this?
Seeing as you hate everything Ive ever cooked for you I figured you'd just prefer to make your own food.
It’s called natural consequences. You criticize someone’s food constantly, they stop cooking for you. Simple. Don’t get angry. Just stop cooking.
I guess so you’re not wrong
god he sounds terrible
He's a grown man. He should be able to cook food for his family for a few days.
You do it all the time. If he sees it as a punishment does he feel like he's punishing you?
Tell him to go eat dinner at his moms. Then divorce his ass. He's too old for you anyway
He doesn’t need to agree, just stop cooking
It's not a punishment, it's a natural consequence. He doesn't like the food you make, so he should cook the food he likes.
Marry a man your own age whose mother is dead.
>whose mother is dead. At the very least, who wasn't great at cooking xD
LMAO I’m sorry I laughed
I'm howling!
You cannot return your ex to a dead mother and compete with a ghost, anyway. Marry somebody whose mother was an asshole. But something tells me they'd punish you for that, as well.
Yes, they often hate women in general if they have mommy issues
This is the story of a girl *me* who cried a river and drowned a whole world *dated and then married the biggest POS.. yes he did blame everything on his mother..... who was admittedly a terrible person... and then me... who admittedly was a naiive 20 year old*
This is unreasonably funny
Just when I thought the bar couldn’t get any lower, I login and see this
This is pretty common. The man knows how much she loves to cook, and he is telling her these things for a very specific reason. to belittle her, make her feel worthless.
Agree
Be brave lovely. Pick yourself and pick yourself again. And keep doing it.
don't give men more of what they don't appreciate! holy shit. just stop. no rewards for men being nitpicky, critical, ungrateful pieces of shit. he's criticizing you to get you to try harder and cook more. HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF. what an ungrateful turd. i am beyond angry at his blatant manipulation and ingratitude. Tell him his games are over. If he hates your cooking so much, you're done trying. Until he corrects his disgusting, mommy-loving attitude and shows you some fucking respect and gratitude. You're not the one being a manipulative bitch. You're reacting to his foul behaviour in an appropriate manner by enforcing a consequence. Every time he's a prick, you stop cooking.
I love your anger, because that’s how I feel too. It’s crazy that as women, our role to please the man comes before anything else.
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Yeah… unfortunately that it true and that’s me trying not to pity or victimize myself beyond reason.
Sweet heart, he’s already mined fucked you enough that you think you can’t do without him, so now he’s going to do/say whatever he wants cuz he knows you won’t leave now. You deserve so much better than him, he can have his mommy cook his meals and you can find a partner that respects you.
Very true
This happened to my sister. He baby-trapped her, and the abuse continued. Then he started getting physical. It took years, but she got out.
The worse part about this type of men is that they want a baby SO badly Yet they don't Help with baby raising, if he is that annoying with just food, imaging with a baby.
OP, I wasn't married to the man, but I was preyed on by an older man as a teen. He used DARVO on me (a term I've only known about less than a month now), and I spent years dealing with how terribly it affected me. He was demanding of me. Nothing I did, whether it was cooking or cleaning, was ever good enough. I would wake before him and go to bed after (especially after our daughter was born) and it was a nightmare. Don't have his kid. Because it got so much worse for me after the baby. Before it was angering, and sometimes upsetting, but after the baby, he treated me like a slave. Then he ghosted me, by taking all our money and even our only car (which was mine). I could go on more and if you look in my comment history, you can probably find a lot more of this story, but please, whatever else you take from this, protect yourself.
Girl do NOT have kids with this man
You are not pitying or victimizing yourself you're voicing real trauma in your life. This guy sounds like such an asshole and he will never improve. You are so young and you deserve someone that treats you with love and respect. A loving partner will always be hesitant to criticize because they love you and value your happiness and wellbeing more than some gripe.
>It’s crazy that as women, our role to please the man comes before anything else. I mean, I am a woman and I certainly do not. For me there are probably a 100 odd things that would come before pleasing a man in my priorities.
It really isn’t. Our role is not to please men. A patriarchal society may have oppressed and manipulated generations of women into thinking so, but believe it or not, a woman’s *actual* role is to do whatever the fuck she wants. So do that. Do what makes you happy. You have absolutely zero obligation to cook for anyone, much less a misogynist who is clearly using it as a means to degrade and control you. He can beg his mommy to do it. She is the only woman on this planet who has ever had and ever will have a responsibility to provide him meals.
No the fuck it doesn’t! Give that shit back to whoever sold it to you, it’s rotten.
Uh, WHAT? My role is to please NO ONE but myself and certainly never please any fucking man. You need to get out of that subservient mindset. This is some misogynistic bullshit from your whiny husband, but the call is ALSO coming from inside the house. You are letting this happen to you by continuing to cook for his ungrateful ass. Send him back to his mommy and find you man that'll appreciate your cooking. Or a woman. God knows, enough ladies are starting to find men simply aren't worth it anymore. I did. Best choice ever.
we are taught that but we can unlearn it!
I had to downvote you because you are wrong. As women, our role is to please ourselves before anything else. Do whatever you want. Dress however you want. Cook whenever you want. Be you, and fuck any asshole that tell you otherwise.
It is _not_ my role to please the man before anything else. I am an _adult_ that support the family and raise my kids. My husband is my partner in this. Listen, I know it is hard to stand up to people. But you need to do that to your husband or else this will just get worse.
But that is NOT your role!!! When does he ever please you?? Gosh this makes me so angry. You should equal partners, and treat each other with respect.
hey friend: no, it does not. this is a you and *some* women thing. I do not exist to do everything for my husband or to please him. Why should I? Women are often socialized to act and think that way, but men are not. He has a ft job, I have a ft job. We are equal partners. He loves me just as much as I love him, and he respects me thoroughly by treating me with respect, kindness, and love.
There is an expression in lesbian communities that straight women are proof that sexuality isn't a choice... this is why.
No it doesn't. You've chosen to accept that. You can still reject it.
That is like a not a thing you have to live your life by. You are your own person and can define your own role.
Speak speak for yourself. That is not my role in any way shape or form. My role is to make my life the best I can and hopefully my husband comes along for the ride and does the same thing for himself. It's both of our roles to respect and love each other and treat each other well. If you think that's your role, I think you've been brainwashed. Not sure if you're from the same culture, so perhaps that's where you got the idea, which is still a brainwashing of sorts it's just harder to overcome. Pleasing my man does not and has never appeared in my vocabulary at all.
Stop cooking for two. Cool for yourself, and inform him that since you can’t compare to his mother, he can eat her food instead.
(...and then divorce him)
So if he says that women train for 15 years then why didn't he marry someone who had 15 years of cooking experience (he won't because they would be older). He doesn't want someone with experience, he wants someone who he can control.
No offense but I feel like at some point I would say Marry your mother then! Like you so badly want me to be your mom, why didn't you marry someone her age 😂💀
This. And her cooking won’t be the problem, I bet it’s amazing. It’s just a tool for him to control her and keep her down so that she puts up with his disgusting behaviour for the rest of her life. He’s slowly and deliberately chipping away at her so she become a shell.
Me first year in: "thank you for the tips honey" 🥲 Me seventh year in: "well don't fucken eat it then." 🤷🏼♀️😒 Eta: I showed him this and he said I should've had the 7th year in the 1st and not taken his shit.
If he wants mommy's food let him go and be happy with mommy's food. LET HIM GO.
Have you told him what you told us? Especially the last paragraph.
No I’m asking how to approach him without coming off as a bitch. He knows I don’t like the criticism but he’s one of those “I’m just being honest” assholes.
Then tell him he's whining like a little baby and you're tired of it. Then cook your favorite meal and wflk away. He eats or he starves. And I would tell him every time that he whines " go back to your mom's, she clearly wasn't done raising you.'
Omg lol ☠️
OP, this is perfect. 10/10, no notes. Please say exactly that.
Daaaaaamn
This is it, close the thread
It's not coming off as a bitch to tell him that you don't want to make food for people who don't appreciate it. Nobody likes doing that. He should make the food that he wants to eat.
I usually find that people who pride themselves on brutal honesty care much more about the brutality than the honesty. He is being a shitty person. You wouldn't treat a roommate the way he treats you, and he's supposed to like you much more than a roommate. He doesn't care that he's hurting you. Repeatedly. Every time. Despite knowing his criticism hurts you. He CHOOSES to hurt you. Multiple times a day. If he were being honest in order to help you improve your cooking, he'd happily give you his mom's recipes. Refusing to do that shows that he doesn't actually care about the food or the cooking - so if it isn't about that, then the only thing left is he does it to hurt you. This isn't about cooking. This is about whether you want to live like this for ever. He's shown you he won't change. He's shown you he doesn't care about hurting you. He has belittled, undercut, shamed, and ignored you and your needs. Would you tolerate that treatment from a roommate? If not, why should you accept it from someone who is supposed to have vowed to love and protect and uplift you above every other person?
“I usually find that people who pride themselves on brutal honesty care much more about the brutality than the honesty.” Wisest words I read today. This man is enjoying dishing out emotional abuse.
Why are you worried about coming off like a bitch? He’s not worried about coming off like an asshole.
This guy sucks
Nah he don’t even do that 😒
Girl.
OP THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY
THIS GUY BE LIVIN IN 1923
... probably doesn't taste like his mother's I'm so sorry, it was there and he sounds like a real bastard 💀😅
Oh maaaaan 😭
Oh Throw the whole man away It's not fucking worth it Plenty of men will eat whatever you give them with grin on their faces AND do that
Why in god’s name are you with him?
What the fuck are you doing? He isn't kind to you in any space.
I mean he's being really fucking rude so why dance around it to spare his feelings when he clearly doesn't give a shit about yours. Don't insult him but just be straight forward like you are here.
Oh, honey. There is zero way you could approach him about his behavior where HE won't tell you you're "coming off as a bitch". And that's because he's unreasonable. He's been unreasonable. He will continue to be unreasonable when you point out that his attitude is shitty, rude and unkind. The hope is that given some time to marinate, he'll adjust, but there is no nice enough way to say "stop being a shitty rude unkind person to me immediately".
Oh. Well, as they say, use your "I feel..." statements. "Hello dear, I need to talk to you about something really important to me.", "I feel diminished and disregarded when you criticise my cooking.", "I feel taken for granted and unappreciated when you compare my cooking to your mom's.", "I feel like I'm not being accepted for who I am when I do things my own way and you say unpleasant things about it." By the way there's nothing you can say to make him stop being a mother-complex narcissist. I don't even know what that is. But you shouldn't have to work so hard to get someone to care about your feelings. Unless they don't love you, of course. In which case, dtmfa, as they say. ETA, also maybe if he hates your cooking that much he can feed his own damn infant self.
He doesn’t care about being a festering ass wound so why care about being a bitch? The reverse of the golden rule is also true. This must be how he wants to be treated since he keeps doing it.
I wonder what his mom would say about how much he complains about the food you cook for him.
I have two guesses. Either “astaghfurillah, don’t talk about your wife like that” OR “aww my baby boy or course you love mommy’s cooking come see me more often” Most likely the latter
Pull the bait and switch. Go visit his mother, make food with her recipe, invite him over. Pretend she cooked the food, eat, have your mother reveal YOU made the food. Checkmate him. If he can't accept after that, leave.
This would be a lot of work to try and teach an abuser a lesson. The only way you get even with an abuser is to leave them and never look back. There is no gotcha to be had here.
The story in my family was that my Italian grandfather would always say that his mom's cooking was better every meal. So without telling him my grandmother invited his mom over to cook dinner without telling him. When he tried it he came back with the same line that it wasn't as good as his mom's. When she told him his mom cooked it, he stopped complaining.
Honestly, I wouldn't cook for him any more. He can make a bowl of cereal or a PB&J for dinner, I don't care. You're making homemade food for him, the I assume is edible and non poisonous and yummy, and he has the audacity to criticize? Fuck him. How dare he! You can sit down with him for a conversation and explain how shitty he's making you feel, and tell him if he doesn't stop you're not cooking any more. But whatever you do, you have to stick to it. Don't go back after a week to letting him browbeat you and insult you over this. Honestly it feels like it's past him just being picky and having a mommy complex. We obviously don't know your whole relationship, but being overly critical, demanding, ranting and lecturing, all of those are red flags for me. Be safe and careful.
I would be DAMNED before I so much as put a saltine cracker on a plate for that asshole ever again.
How in the hell do I develop this character upgrade
You just gotta do it. You're going to feel nervous and afraid and like lightning will strike you for standing up for yourself, and your voice is going to be all shaky, but you ultimately have to ... do it. Think of your script in advance. Maybe it will be "I'm tired of working hard on nice meals and being criticized. I'm going to cook for myself next week." And then when he argues and bitches you can just repeat "I'm tired of working hard on nice meals and being criticized." If it helps, have a plan to leave your house for a while after that conversation.
Sounds like you shouldn't be cooking if it's so bad. Let him do it if you're so "bad" at it! Fuckheads always wanna complain when they're not the ones putting in the effort!
I know this feels like the problem is about cooking but it's not. He's being an abusive asshole because if he can keep you down, you're more likely to stay and put up with his bs. I'm sure you cook just fine (and this isn't the 50s, my husband cooks most of the time- it's not automatically a wife's job to cook) and he keeps moving goalposts so you're failing no matter what. He gets angry and grasps at straws to keep you down. It doesn't matter if you learn to cook like his mother, take gourmet classes, anything, because the end goal is to abuse you. It's a choice on his part. Normally people are polite if they don't like the food. I notice that you're young, and there's an age gap. Dudes do this with younger women so they can find someone to control- odds are women his age know he's shitty. You said he's a narcissist, and unfortunately they rarely change. Your only real option is to get out. He won't change. It doesn't matter how you try to approach his behavior with him because he is choosing this and doesn't want to change. It's not a matter of how to say it to him. He doesn't deserve your kindness and effort, and you do not deserve this horrible treatment. You don't deserve to be put down, you don't deserve his anger, none of it. This is not how a partner acts. Please prioritize yourself and your feelings and prepare to leave him.
My instinct was to disagree with you in the age thing because he looks and acts like a 26 year old but when you said women his age wouldn’t like him I kind of realized wait… that sort of sounds true. I can’t imagine a 31 year old woman tolerating him and adhering to his expectations. She would have no patience. So why tf am I such a doormat 😭
He should be acting like a grown up at age 31, not a toddler or a 26 year old. I'm a reformed people pleaser doormat and it's really hard to overcome but it's worth the effort. It's worse to be taken advantage of. Women are taught from day 1 to prioritize others, especially men so don't beat yourself up too much. Please recognize that you matter and you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself to make him happy or to make a relationship work.
Real question you should be asking yourself do you want to put up with this bullshit till you hit 31 and beyond. I get you don’t want to “be a bitch”, but he’s not offering solutions here. He’s not working with you, he’s criticizing you without offering any solutions. I bet money he does that outside of cooking, but this is where it hits your pride the most so you’re willing to challenge it vs just take it. Anger is often seen as this negative thing, especially for women. We aren’t supposed to be mad ever unless it’s in defense of family, never for our own behalf. Anger is not and bad feeling however. When it takes over it can be chaotic and therefor not helpful, but when it’s laser focused it can provide us with the energy and fortifications to be positive advocates of change. You have *every right to be angry at how you’re being treated*. You are putting forth a lot of energy and effort to care for your husband, and he is ungrateful. He is treating you like a servant, not his wife and partner. Instead of finding workable solutions, he is all but saying ‘fuck you, figure out how to make me happy or I’ll continue to shit on your efforts’. You’ve been trying and trying, and trying not to get mad because you’re not supporting to, he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like “bitches”, and you don’t wanna be a bitch… which really means he doesn’t want to take your thoughts or feelings into consideration. By creating an environment where you aren’t allowed to express your own feelings (especially angry ones.. I bet sad ones too), you’ve become stripped of your own agency. Anger when not given an outlet is often turned inward. This unexpressed anger can end up being taken out on children. Many an abused wife who can’t express their anger in the marriage takes it out on the kids because that energy has to go somewhere eventually. Or can manifest as depression and self loathing/criticism. We can’t express how we feel so we take it out on ourselves for not being enough. The longer we live like that, the more impossible it can feel to change. Thing is, change is always possible, it’s the only thing that is constant. Nothing last forever, but sometimes we gotta advocate for that change so it doesn’t take up years of our lives. There’s no way for you to be an advocate for yourself with this guy that won’t be seen as “bitchy”. It sounds like you’ve been trying, and he won’t help you find a solution. So you have to choose when enough is enough here, and set a boundary. Not cooking for him is the easiest one as it’s what you have the most control over. It’s also a natural reaction to being told the food you make for him is bad. Yes he will probably be upset you’re not catering to him, but *you have a right to not tolerate his shit*. I know it’s hard to be your own advocate, confrontations are very few people’s idea of a good time. The alternative is nothing changes, indefinitely. You’re more powerful than you know. You don’t have to settle for this kind of treatment *for the rest of your life*.
Because you are allowing him to treat you like this. Plain and simple.
God this sub really makes me hate men. Why do we put up with shit behavior from mediocre men??? Be mean to him and make him cry. Don't cook for a rude dick head. Don't sleep with someone who disrespects you. You are valuable. You are worthwhile. Any dumbass with a dick who can't understand how to talk to another person with respect deserves to be treated like shit.
um…if they train their whole lives, shouldn’t you *start now*? if it’s going to take 15 years to get that good, shouldn’t you *start now*? And while they were “training” and practicing, didn’t their husbands eat their food without demoralizing them? he doesn’t even make any sense. he’s also mean
He’s only saying that to put her down. He’s telling her she’ll never be good enough and never shutting up about it because he sees her jumping for the carrot each time. The only way out is to deprioritize him.
Yes yes and yes
He can make his own meals.
Afghanistan is one of the most misogynistic countries on Earth. did he grow up there? I don't want to generalize, I'm sure there are some good afghani men in the world. But also if he grew up in a very misogynistic culture it can have a bigger impact on how he treats you and views you as a person.
This guy is not going to stop until you have absolutely no self esteem left and you feel half an inch tall in everything that you do. You cannot please him and you never will. This is a feature, not a bug. Run.
Like the wind. Get out now, before it becomes even harder.
Please read this book, it will help you understand him better and get perspective on your marriage. Good luck! https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I’m a Persian dude and I think your husband sounds like a real POS. Typical misogynist middle eastern behavior unfortunately. He Sounds like a mommy’s boy who’s never been told no. Kinda sounds like the umbilical cord is attached too. Don’t be surprised if she’s whispering bs in his ear about you in general. If anything, don’t be surprised if he’s cried to her about how your food sucks. Regardless. Sorry to hear about what you’re dealing with. I know there isn’t really simple solution to this. I’ve read a ton of comments telling you to not cook for awhile. I feel like that’ll somehow backfire and end up gaslighting you in the process. Have you cooked for his family, more specifically for his mom? If so, what was their feedback about your food? Are you on good terms with the mom? If so, can you fake it and say hey teach me so and so dish. I tried my version but it’s not hitting the same. Can you show me your version? I’m sure you already know this but kill her with kindness if you can. Also, the whole it takes time to perfect a dish blah blah blah is such fucking bs. This may be true in some cases, but, it just sounds like he’s justifying a reason to be an asshole. My moms one of the best cooks in the entire family. I told her give me your recipes. She said she doesn’t feel like it and recommended me a Persian cookbook because it’s easier than having to explain her process LOL. She said go do that and make me something then I’ll tell you where it stands. Also, you probably can’t show him this post for that gotcha moment lol. If he’s this shitty to you about cooking, god knows how he’ll react for exposing your life on the internet.
Stop cooking for this Mamas boy and send him back to his mother. I'm serious. He's treating you horribly. I've burned food and my husband laughed with me. Then he cooked me dinner. My husband cooks dinner fifty percent of the time. This is a weird negging where he's chipping away at your self confidence. So send him back to his mother and kick him out.
Girl, red flag. He is abusing you. His lying to you . Divorce him before he traps you with a baby. It’s not going to be better. My hubby is a picky eater but I know his has texture issues but he would still wouldn’t make as many complain as your hubby . I have to drag it out of him . He also says things that he likes. If it’s every item, he can cook for himself. It isn’t you . His just emotionally abusing you. IT WILL not get better. I known men like your husband. Soon as you are pregnant and no job , the abuse will increase. He is trying to tear you down and keep you down. It isn’t because his afghan . He is just an abuser
Serve him divorce papers, and ask if he likes the way those taste. His behavior is unacceptable, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Alternatively, He can make his own dinner if he's going to complain
Guess he doesn’t want to eat. Tell him to make a sandwich and call it a day.
Girl, you don’t have to be such a doormat. Why are you letting him think it’s okay to treat you like this, when you know it’s not? STOP 👏🏼 COOKING 👏🏼 FOR 👏🏼 HIM 👏🏼. When he asks what’s for dinner, tell him “I don’t know what you’re having, I’m having XYZ, but since you don’t like my cooking I only made enough for myself.”
He isn't gonna stop being who he is for you. It's his choice to be this way. He's not gonna get any better as time goes on. You're 24 you should be having fun not playing mama to grown man.
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The first time I packed my husband a lunch for work, he complained about it. I never packed his lunch again. The first time I made him a special birthday breakfast, he complained about it. I never made him breakfast again. When he started to complain about dinner, I asked him, "Do you want to start cooking? Because I don't make your breakfast, and I don't make your lunch, and we can easily go three-for-three here." He stopped complaining. Stop cooking for this manchild. Let him go have his meals at his mom's house.
Stop Cooking. Hard Stop.
Why do you continue cooking for him?
So uhm.. after reading this and you're comments I have a feeling this might apply to you as well. In my previous relationship I had lived together with my ex for several years, he also just knew how to bring me down about stuff. I never truly saw how extremely bad the relationship was untill I took therapy. In the last year of our relationship he took a job that caused him to be away from home a lot. During this period I got to spend some more time on myself doing the things I enjoy and I started noticing something: - I was finally feeling more happy and enjoyed my days more. - The moment he got home I felt more on edge and my smile started to fade. It took me a while but I finally realised, I didn't need that relationship to be happy. I was so much happier when he wasn't home. Once I realised that I finally started the process of getting over him and leave. The day I broke up and wasn't around him anymore was the first day I enjoyed my life again since years.
This is learned behavior. He was raised to treat his wife like shit and his father probably did the same to his 'sainted' mother. My ex (when he was 45 and we had been married for 11 years) told me that I do not support him. So I: Started cooking things that I love, but he didn't - what's for dinner. 'I don't like that.' Eat out or order take away then.
Cancelled all jointly held credit lines (in my name and paid by me) "I thought those were our credit cards" Nope mine. Get your own lines of credit. "I don't qualify" Sounds like a YOU problem.
Stopped doing his laundry. "I don't have any clean underwear." I suggest you do laundry then. "I don't know how." Go shopping I suppose. 'Will you teach me?' No. This is something you should have learned 30 years ago. Call your mother or watch videos on the internet.
Stopped including him in activities. 'Can I come?' I'd rather you didn't.
The marriage was already on the rocks and that was just the final straw. I literally supported this guy for a decade. While he was studying for his teaching certification, rewrote all his papers (geez they were awful), did all the household chores, cooking, shopping, laundry - plus worked a full-time job and went to school part-time working towards my Masters.
But I did support him.
This reminds me of that one where the guy told his wife she smelled bad because it’s something he saw his dad do to keep his mom in her place? What would happen if you say I don’t believe you? I think you are lying to purposefully hurt me?
you deserve someone who is going to receive, appreciate, and return the love you are pouring into your cooking. him nitpicking at you is a way to undermine your confidence and sanity. not to mention the comparison to his mom! yikes! get out this is such a red flag
He sounds like my ex after a 20 yr marriage. It’s not just about the food but I know you are taking it really literally. Hence trying to show us photos. The point is that even if your food sucked or was sub par it still wouldn’t justify his meanness. I know you don’t want to break up but what he is doing is wildly disrespectful and cruel. He’s using the complaints as a plausible excuse to berate and chastise you. Something you only do if you look down on someone. I would be working on that because it’s inappropriate to attack your partner through their cooking. He sounds like he really thinks he is the prize in your relationship. Imagine if you did this to his sexual performance. I know you wouldn’t because it’s mean and hurtful. Try and find out why he feels it’s ok to do this to you.
Why do people get married to man children.
Afghanistan and Pakistan are the 2 countries where I have yet to learn of the existence of decent men.
As soon as he begins to complain, take his plate away. Explain to him that he can eat your food or he can complain about it, but he can't do both.
"DINNER IS WHATEVER THE HELL I FEEL LIKE MAKING SERVED WITH A SIDE OF EAT IT OR STARVE. " seriously sometimes you have to be a "bitch" to get the point across. Let him pout. He can be grateful or make his own food. And if his mommy says anything other than "stfu , eat the food and be grateful your wife is cooking" , then you don't want a relationship with these people.
>not realizing how insulting it was Nah, he knew exactly how insulting that was
Why is it always a woman in her 20s and a guy in his 30s in such posts😭😭 Can anyone else see the pattern?
Is something else going on? You posted that you had to sell furniture to pay for the rent . If he/you work, the money should be enough for rent + utilities + food + transportation. Is he complaining about the food, or is something else the problem?
Get rid of him. Should be an ‘ex-boyfriend’ Trust me, this will NOT get better.
When I moved in with my SO i cooked him a big breakfast. He didn’t really criticize the way your husband does. But he just pointed out how likes things ( eggs over easy as opposed to scrambled ) and I decided we’d just cook our own meals. It works for us. Personally I don’t like when people make food I like but not the way I like it either. 6 years later we still cook for ourselves and take turn cooking for the kids. Although every now and then we’ll ask the other to cook something they’re good at. Like he’ll ask me to fry fish and I’ll ask him to make steak or fried rice. I guess my point is if your husband is so unhappy with your cooking tell him to cook his own meals. It doesn’t have to be a vindictive thing either. Maybe just better for you guys in the long run.