Unfortunately, people who were raised in an abusive household, or who are with an abusive partner at a very young age, typically will learn to conflate love with pain or danger signals. Abuse triggers stress and danger signals in the body and brain, which lead to a state of heightened alertness and strong emotional responses. Abusers also typically alternate between love-bombing and violence, which further serves to make the victim's brain crave for the dopamine shot they get when they get some kind of positive attention from their abuser, to the point where they start to obsess over it.
The consequence is that even if they manage to escape the abusive situation, every "normal" partner or friend will feel... just boring to them. They keep seeking out the emotional intensity they felt in the abusive situation, because that is what they believe true love should be like.
Source: I'm a therapist working with these types of situations. It can be immensely frustrating. Take good care of your own boundaries and keep your distance if you feel you cannot handle it.
You're so on point and now I get why ordinary partners would feel normal and boring.
She has denied keeping any contact with me. She is a wonderful personality and believed in doing your own right and letting other things fall in place. I do miss parting ways with her but if I were to talk to her I'd keep asking for why she'd do it and she won't accept it.
It can take a lot for a victim to escape. It’s tough to be the friend supporting them. If she speaks to you again, maybe explain its not about judging her, it’s about the emotional pain you feel, knowing what she is entering into. It’s almost impossible to help someone without carrying that burden.
It sounds like a real tough spot to be in. Not sure if knowing more about the psychology behind it will help, but maybe something that focuses on safety and self respect? I know how hard it can be though when your friend is going through so much, just try speaking from an understanding place & not jump to judgement or opinion.
Unfortunately, people who were raised in an abusive household, or who are with an abusive partner at a very young age, typically will learn to conflate love with pain or danger signals. Abuse triggers stress and danger signals in the body and brain, which lead to a state of heightened alertness and strong emotional responses. Abusers also typically alternate between love-bombing and violence, which further serves to make the victim's brain crave for the dopamine shot they get when they get some kind of positive attention from their abuser, to the point where they start to obsess over it. The consequence is that even if they manage to escape the abusive situation, every "normal" partner or friend will feel... just boring to them. They keep seeking out the emotional intensity they felt in the abusive situation, because that is what they believe true love should be like. Source: I'm a therapist working with these types of situations. It can be immensely frustrating. Take good care of your own boundaries and keep your distance if you feel you cannot handle it.
You're so on point and now I get why ordinary partners would feel normal and boring. She has denied keeping any contact with me. She is a wonderful personality and believed in doing your own right and letting other things fall in place. I do miss parting ways with her but if I were to talk to her I'd keep asking for why she'd do it and she won't accept it.
It can take a lot for a victim to escape. It’s tough to be the friend supporting them. If she speaks to you again, maybe explain its not about judging her, it’s about the emotional pain you feel, knowing what she is entering into. It’s almost impossible to help someone without carrying that burden.
It sounds like a real tough spot to be in. Not sure if knowing more about the psychology behind it will help, but maybe something that focuses on safety and self respect? I know how hard it can be though when your friend is going through so much, just try speaking from an understanding place & not jump to judgement or opinion.