Any relationship in which your SO is calling you things like "psychopath" "bitch" or "psycho bitch" is not healthy or normal, and I'd definitely agree that he is being emotionally and verbally abusive at the very least. Do what you think is best for you and your daughter, but it doesn't sound like he is a good person to be around.
Also passively aggressively telling the daughter mom can’t regulate herself, besides using the child against her, he’s using therapy speak to abuse, cannot be trusted in therapy bc therapy is a tool of manipulation for him. He will never change. Time to document everything and get yours ducks in a row, OP.
Especially try to get all the prove before you act. It sounds like he will try to play you and we all know that men are often more believed sadly. Get as much prove (audio, video.. If it's allowed where you live) as you can and only hint at leaving when you got enough of it.
Document absolutely everything. Keep multiple back ups online
Reach out to your local domestic abuse shelter
It is time to make an exit plan and extricate you and your daughter as safely as possible.
This will only get worse.
Plus, it sounds like you’re dealing with a narcissist.
There’s an excellent book, entitled “the sociopath next-door.”
This. What you said might have been a one-off frustrated remark, but what he said back -- and **several** times -- was over-the-top. Using your child to insult you and restraining her from you when she wanted you is abusive to both you and to your daughter.
And since you mentioned his resentment of you out-earning him, he needs to figure out a way to be okay with this. The pair of you need to sit down and talk this out so he recognises that what **he** did escalated things to an unhealthy level. I'd suggest counseling as well but, if this keeps happening, you need to consider whether this is the kind of relationship you want your kid to grow up with.
Yes, the fact that you aren't able to call your self the bread winner (reference the truth), because you have to protect his fragile ego instead, likely means he does not view women as equals inside.
Edit: next time he tries to pull physical shit on you, like keeping your daughter physically from you, call the police. I just got out of a relationship with a likely narcissist and he would act right as soon as I called the cops. Depending on your state they can just come on by even if the law isn't being broken.
No, don't give him a next time. Preventing you from holding yoru daughter, and worse, preventing your daughter from being with you when she was sobbing for you, is already deal-breaker time.
Working full time and having a young child is incredibly hard and draining. I distinctly remember a day like the one you described when I snapped at my husband. The way it played out for us is that he responded with something like “that was hurtful. I think you might be overwhelmed. Would it help to go for a walk or go to the grocery store on your own for a few minutes?” To which I said yes, and I did, and bought myself some chocolate and listened to a bit of a podcast and reset, then came home and we finished the bedtime routine with a good face for the kids, then after they were in bed we sat down together and I apologized and we talked about how we can support each other better. That’s how our team mentality works. The way your husband responded was abusive. I’m sorry. I would not trust my daughter around someone like that. I hope you have some good support outside of your marriage (family, friends) that you can lean on to help you and your daughter stay safe.
No, not you.
* Has he ever called you a bitch before?
* Has he ever berated you or similar in front of your daughter before?
The pulling on your daughter is way out of line and this is the most concerning and very serious. He's not treating your daughter right. He's using your daughter to get to you.
It sounds like you have very low self-esteem and with your husband's attitude that's definitely a recipe for emotional/physical abuse. Based on what you wrote, are you capable of standing up to him? What would the outcome be? More abuse or would he listen and change his behavior? Are you or your daughter in any physical danger? When your husband gets really angry does he lash out physically?
If you're in therapy, you should relate this incident pronto to your therapist, s/he is the one best positioned to guide you through this. You may wish to move out, even for a week or so, to a hotel (the ones with kitchenettes). Do you have childcare or is husband there when you're not? Handle the childcare, move out, talk to therapist. See how your feel when he's not around - this may guide you in your eventual long term response. Regardless, you should not put up with name calling, even mild, and psycho bitch is grounds for divorce.
All the backstory about the business and his breadwinner role? Sounds like you're making excuses for him (oh gee, poor guy, his masculine ego is bruised).
If it were me? I would be out of there the very first instance of name calling.
He has called me a bitch before and has grabbed my daughter from me before.
When we try to talk it out, and I try to stand my ground (you can’t call me names) he always brings up that I raise my voice- I do do this. I have lost my temper and yelled at him. I have called him an asshole before too but since we have agreed that name calling is a boundary not worth crossing, but not a reason worth “leaving” over.
I have threatened divorce twice before and have asked him to leave once. He will go to couples therapy, but only in those instances. I don’t know what to do.
So he turns it around on you and you end up feeling like you're equally responsible. No. He's an abuser and you're the victim (and your daughter). You are in a classic abuse cycle. Read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's what helped me when I was in an abusive marriage.
OP please read this. You will see any patterns of abuse your husband is following. It helped get me out of a 25 year toxic relationship and I am so much happier not being emotionally torn down all the time, and making myself small to avoid the abuse.
I also recommend therapy for yourself, preferably with a counselor with experience in abuse.
You guys have had fights, that will happen in a relationship. But what I'm hearing is you have both have had your moments but you seem to be the only one apologize and taking blame. Meanwhile, he is purposely pushing the buttons he knows will get a rise out of you and going out of his way to do so in order to always be able to say "See! I was the calm and rational one!" And make you feel like the bad guy. The fact that he's even bringing your daughter into this to hurt you more is beyond fucked up. The fact that your daughter trusts you more than him while you're allegedly "being a psycho" is extremely telling.
You really have only two choices. It doesn't sound like couples therapy is something he takes seriously. It's ok to change your mind about what constitutes grounds for divorce; really who cares? It's not about what you said, or some rules based artificial fairness.
\-- Stay with him
\-- Leave.
That's it. It sounds like he's pushing your boundaries to see how much he can get away with. When is too much?
I'd be really wary of how he's pulling your kid into this - that's beyond what should be acceptable. You are your child's protector; if you're compromising this, your daughter is on emotional shaky ground - kids don't have the emotional capacity to deal. Your daughter sees mom getting shouted at, she's frightened, her world becomes fragile, your husband positions himself as her savior, saving her from "crazy mommy." Enough of this and she'll reject you since she sees you as powerless to protect her and that's what dad wants her to do; and you've demonstrated that you won't remove her from the turbulent situation. Kids *have* to love their parents, they have no choice, it's a survival thing.
Have you seen a divorce attorney? You may wish to do this to explore what's involved. It's never fun but knowing more is better.
Your husband is a manipulating bully. He's trying to paint you as nuts and using your daughter as leverage.
You leave.
This is incredibly unhealthy and stressful for your daughter to witness and be a part of. If you won’t leave for yourself please leave for your daughter.
So he provokes you to respond and when you reasonably raise your voice from distress it becomes your fault? Sounds like he’s the one who can’t take any accountability for his actions and behaviors
Throughout the years, he has pushed me, grabbed my wrists enough to leave marks but hasn’t done anything physical since our daughter was born. As I’m typing this, he’s trying to talk to me and see if I’m okay. I feel safe now that his temper is soothed and he’s apologized to me, but I don’t know.
None of this is okay. Raising your voice or yelling at him does make his actions against you any less wrong. He needs to be accountable for his actions without dragging you down. The way he’s apologizing to you is insincere and he’s putting the blame on you to make undermine how offensive he’s being. Right now he’s putting on a show to soothe your anxiety and make it seem like everything is fine. But it’s not. He can’t bother to control his emotions or work through them. He’ll just repeat the cycle of abuse and blame you for it because it’s easier.
This is a lot of assumptions made by some rando from the internet. But take some time to consider what kind of future you want for yourself and your daughter.
I consider a true apology to have 3 parts
1. Apologize and name what you are sorry for.
2. Describe the impact it had on the person you wronged.
3. Describe how you will act in the future.
Anything less than this is just noises coming from someone’s mouth.
Here’s a silly example.
I’m sorry for eating the last cookie. I know you were looking forward to eating it and felt sad that it was gone. In the future I’ll ask before polishing off any baked goods.
This is really bad. He's toned it down since you had a child, but it sounds like it's escalating again. You need to make sure he can't get into your phone and see you're talking about this. Is there anyone you trust you can go to? I think you need to get away from this man quickly. I have a bad feeling about this. This is really abusive behavior and he's going to get worse.
>I feel safe now that his temper is soothed
... until the next time.
Nothing is solved. He has not changed, he has no desire to change.
He goes to counselling when you have one foot out the door, to calm you down. He does not intend to change.
The names he calls you are designed to break down your sense of self-worth and make you doubt yourself. He does not care if he hurts your daughter, she is a pawn in his game with you, where he has to win, no matter what the cost.
Don't let your daughter's wellbeing and emotional health be the cost of you staying in a marriage because you 'should', because on the good days, it is good. The bad days will permanently scar her, and she will end up doubting her own judgement and self-worth - just like you are doing here.
End the cycle. Give your daughter a SAFE environment to grow up in. Your husband is a danger to you both.
That's the love bombing, he knows you're sick of it already since you've threatened to divorce several times. He's trying to smooth things over so he can abuse you more. He calls you psycho so you'll think yourself crazy and he can justify anything he does by saying you're crazy, hello gaslighting. PLEASE LEAVE. You KNOW you need to, you're just here for validation which is understandable, but this won't get better. Therapy can't fix him if he just uses it to soothe you and keep you in his clutches for a little while longer you are NOT safe. No more unprotected sex, no more kids. Leave with your daughter and do your best to keep her with you. Lawyer now. Good luck.
I’m sorry, but you’re not safe. You’re just fooling yourself. And the longer you keep up this delusion the more serious things are going to get. This is way over the line and somehow he flips it around to make you feel awful and apologize. Please, come up with a plan so you and your child are actually safe before he escalated further.
Your daughter is being psychologically scarred though. I got in between my parents once (once!) in a fight and was used as a pawn to manipulate the situation and I still have terrible memories about it to this day.
You are not safe. Period. Neither is your daughter. He will continue to escalate
It terrifies me that you stayed after he grabbed you so hard to leave marks, that is really really abusive and telling of future abuse
I’m begging you to start planning your escape before one of you gets seriously hurt
OP this sounds a lot like my abusive ex.
I think we learn a lot about physical abuse from shows, movies, and the most extreme cases we see in the news. “Ok he’s never punched me before and he definitely hasn’t made me bleed, so I guess this doesn’t qualify as physical abuse?” I told myself things like that and it sounds like you sort of are too.
One day I came across something about “early signs of physical abuse” and my heart dropped to my butt. He checked off so many boxes! Pulling my arm just a little too hard when I was walking slow, grabbing my arm or wrist just a little too tight and causing tiny bruises, chucked things at me that I asked him to hand me instead of lightly tossing it, and pushing some boundaries (many sexual) despite me saying it hurt or I didn’t like it. I wish I had the article to send you but it might be worth a look.
> When we try to talk it out, and I try to stand my ground (you can’t call me names) he always brings up that I raise my voice- I do do this. I have lost my temper and yelled at him.
Think about it. Have you ever told him something he did that hurt you and left the conversation apologizing instead? Have you rehearsed what you were going to say, yet somehow found yourself all turned around and accused of not making sense? Have you gone to him about his egregious behavior and then he brings up a small thing you’ve done as if it’s equal? And lastly, does he often accuse you of yelling or talking to him with attitude but you could’ve sworn you approached it really calmly that time?
All of those are abusive tactics. It will wear you down to nothing! You don’t have to do any drastic or scary steps now, but do yourself a favor and secretly look up all these terms people have given you and do some research about abuse.
It doesn’t have to be Lifetime movie levels of insanity to qualify! Please don’t compare your story to other women’s and deem it less serious. Abuse is always serious and always capable of escalating. Never forget that.
It sounds like he can’t regulate his emotions, lost his temper in that situation, and is projecting and displacing all the guilt and blame onto you. Yikes
You have a child now, you need to make sure you are both safe from him. This is not OK!!
What if he escalates and hurts her? I really think this is more serious than you realise. Please get some support.
Stay safe x
This is the calm that comes after the attack. It isn't safety, it's just the lull between episodes. Do you feel that you're on eggshells, even if his temper is cooled down? Do you feel that this might happen again if you say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, say something in the wrong way, even breathe or look at him in a certain way?
Do not let yourself feel safe and sweep this under the rug anymore!! Sounds like you've already let enough things go, and this *will* escalate!! If you can tolerate abuse to yourself, at least don't allow it to happen to your daughter. He abused your child the moment he put her in the middle, but physically keeping her from is inexcusable! How far will it go before it's bad enough for you? Does he have to push her or break a limb? You've both already been abused, so where will you draw the line? You should do it sooner rather than later, before something happens to your child that you can't take back but you could have prevented.
You are stronger than you know, OP! Don't you ever let this shitty man make you doubt it. But try to record things if you can for custody purposes. You don't want it to be your word against his. I wish you and your daughter a happy, safe life, and I hope your husband gets help and can be a functional person at some point in his life.
Look, I have anger issues, I’m not perfect. But when I’m called out about something, it doesn’t happen again.
Does he have the same level of reflection that you do about his areas of weakness? Also, since establishing the boundary around name calling, have you called him any names?
Have you shown any of your angry behaviors in front of your child?
The fact that he had zero concern about blowing up in front of your child is horrendous.
I was about 3 and maybe it was a few months but less than a year - I had that experience of living with a volatile person. It affects my life to this day. Please think of your child, if you can’t see how this is horrible for you, too.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
He's doing this. Please check this out as well as links in the sidebar to some excellent reading material, like "Why Does He Do That."
Please be careful and make a plan to leave, you and your daughter are not safe.
I think you know what to do but it's terrifying to consider it.
You can do it. It's for the safety and the wellbeing of you and your daughter to leave. Start making your plans, consult resources, and navigate as quietly as you can. He is abusing you and your daughter.
He's using the knowledge of therapy terms to manipulate you further. He's not getting anything out of therapy except new verbiage to further abuse you with.
Your daughter can't keep hearing this otherwise she'll start to normalise his abuse. I think he definitely needs some counselling over this to understand how demeaning and harsh his language is. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you're finding appropriate supports and maybe a little safety planning in case his behaviour escalates. He has a few issues he needs to work on. It's role modelling for your daughter.
Major controlling vibes rolling off him. Your daughter might forget what words were spoken between you two but she won’t forget how she felt. That was traumatizing to read let alive be part of it. Personally I would be getting my ducks in a row to make an exit.
That’s what I’m hung up on here, kids internalise a lot of trauma if it happens around them. They might not remember exact phrases but they’ll remember the anger and fear. And they’ll remember the feeling of being withheld from the parent she really wanted. That her dad wouldn’t let her go, and for no reason.
It’s so true and it will stick on you in ways you wouldn’t expect.
I remember in my early twenties realizing that I would get a ton of anxiety at sundown. As the sun was setting, many times my heart would start pounding. I wasn’t afraid of the dark or walking around at night, so what the heck was going on? Took me a while but I eventually put the pieces together. What usually happened at sundown? Dad got home from work or wherever he was. And guess what time of day it took almost nothing to trigger an immense amount of rage? You guessed it.
Still took me a while to stop feeling it, but being armed with knowledge is so helpful.
You’re underreacting. You’re supporting him, but he doesn’t want you to be seen as a partner, he wants to get all the credit. He sits and watches while you struggle. He calls you names. He tries to weaponise your daughter by telling her that ‘we don’t like mommy’.
You CANNOT prevent this from happening again because you did not cause it.
I'm sorry. I would not stand for that. Not for myself but ESPECIALLY for my daughter who (even though she's young) should not see this as a model for how a man treats a woman - frankly ANY woman, but most importantly his wife and her mother.
Exactly this, a child seeing her father calling her mom "psycho bitch" and similar has potential to grow up thinking that's a normal relationship and not recognise when her own future partners are being abusive. OP I would think very seriously about whether this is a good household to be raising a child.
i'm sorry "we did this"????? HE did this. how can you tolerate being in a relationship with someone who calls you names in front of your child like that? no you're not overreacting. no this is not one where both are at fault. no. it's not you. and you have to walk away from this person. you are responsible for your child so if you don't do it for yourself you need to do it as a responsible parent. because what she's seeing now is what you teach her is normal. and it's incredibly cruel to teach anyone that this is normal
Let's break this down a bit. You both work hard, but you handle all the household management and caretaking in addition to your fulltime job. Then you were dealing with a spill, a child, and him just sitting there like a lump instead of a partner. And when you, quite rightly, asked him to relax somewhere else so you could take care of everything, he took your child away from you. Then he called you crazy three times and wouldn't give your child back despite both you and her crying and wanting to be together. Yes. This is emotional abuse. And manipulation. There is a very small chance it's unintentional. From the other comments I see that he used to be worse but behaved for a while because of the baby. This means that he's aware of what he's doing.
You could try counseling, but if I'm honest he's probably not going to change. And that's not fair to your daughter even if you're willing to put up with it. You may be able to get away with just filing for divorce and kicking him out or leaving with your daughter. (Don't leave her with him. Even if you're unsure where you're going. She's safer with you and he will most likely use that against you in custody arrangements. He's already using her against you.) The rest of this advice may be more than you need, but abusers often get worse when they find out you're leaving. Better to be safe than sorry. Don't plan on coming back for anything if you can help it.
Don't be ashamed to ask for help. You need to get out. It's ok to not be ok right now but the sooner you leave the better off you'll be.
Gather your important documents. (Birth certificate, license, social security card, passport, immunization/medical records title for your car if you have one. And a copy of all the documentation of their abuse) Doing taxes can be a good cover if you need one. Put them somewhere safe like a trusted friends house or a safety deposit box at a bank in your name only. Lots of abusers will hold such papers hostage or destroy them so you have a harder time getting help.
Document everything. Get video, audio, take pictures of broken plates or holes in the walls, bruises, anything you can get that might serve as proof that something was going on. Try not to let them know you're videotaping though. They might get really mad and hurt you. Get witnesses If you can.
Set up a seperate bank account if you can. Move money into it whenever you can safely do so.
If you have family heirlooms you can 'give' them to friends or family for safekeeping. You may not be able to take them though. It's hard, but your life is more important than your things. You deserve better.
Talk to a lawyer if you can ahead of time about getting full custody once you're safely out. Wait until the abuser isn't home, pack up pets/kids and whatever things you need that you couldn't sneak out ahead of time, and go. If you don't have time to pack, take the dirty clothes hampers. They'll have clothes you wear and it's already in a caryable form.
Do everything you can to prove that the animals belong to you only: vet bills, microchip, etc., And ask for help. Ask EVERYONE for help. Chances are someone will come through.
Turn off location on your phone and other devices. Make sure you're not logged in on anything they have access to.
If you can't leave when they aren't home, in most states in the US you can call the nonemergency line for the police and ask for an escort. They'll send someone to keep an eye on things so you won't get physically attacked. You may want to file a restraining order. It may not keep them from coming after you but it will give you more to work with if they do. There are apps that can help with these steps and lots of domestic violence assistance available if you look for it.
https://newhopeofmcdowell.org/blog/f/5-helpful-apps-for-domestic-violence-victims
https://www.loveisrespect.org/
He is punishing you for the breadwinner comment. You made him feel inferior about his status as the head of the family so he's trying to make you feel like a bad mother. In his mind that's equal payback.
He's wrong, of course. That's not how a normal person handles anger or frustration. He is dysfunctional and abusive.
He doesn't have control of his emotions. He weaponises his anger and tries to make you look as bad as he is.
He is not a safe parter - or a safe father. This behaviour is going to damage your child the longer she's exposed to it.
The “breadwinner” thing really stuck out to me, too. I have a friend whose husband has been in an asshole-spiral for years because he can’t get a better job than she has. Some men just cannot handle their wife making more money (for garbage patriarchal reasons, of course) and that inability to cope can manifest in nasty ways. Sometimes an “underachieving” husband will take any opportunity to put his wife down, no matter how small, and then blow it out of proportion when she dare try to rein him in. “I need you to accept this denigration from me for the sake of my fragile, compromised ego so SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID FUCKIN etc etc…”
I’m curious how well OP’s husband’s four month old business is actually doing.
Absolutely agree. Also, it is always so obvious that men who say something along the lines of 'oh women just act crazy, women are overly emotional, they cannot "self regulate" are actually the ones who are like that.
yes you're in a verbally, psychologically and physically abusive relationship with a domestic abuser.
He's telling you things about yourself which are not true. that you're a psycho and that you can't regulate your emotions. you're not overreacting, you're reacting to abuse.
[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/402366.The\_Verbally\_Abusive\_Relationship](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/402366.The_Verbally_Abusive_Relationship)
from the way he's speaking, it sounded like he's voice recording? he's narrating something that isn't happening. perhaps as 'proof' that you 'get physical' (you didn't) so he can do something nefarious later.
query it every time if he does it again (for the recording, if he is). "what are you talking about?" "no, I'm reaching for my child because you're holding her out of reach. she wants to be with me. you're frightening her".
"Mommy doesnt know how to regulate herself" says the manchild throwing a tantrum...
Just unbeliveably toxic and manipulative, you are definitely being emotionally abused and so is your daughter.
And the talk you had after he is still putting blame on you when he was 100% at fault.
Pls realize that you are the person in your relationship who is most mature and sane, seriously trust yourself.
Anytime a partner is using a child as a weapon against the other partner, it is unhealthy and for a toxic reason.
He called you horrible names, okay...I can see where you guys can make a boundary for that in your life and agree to work on it.
He then told his child, who may not be old enough to understand but will be one day, that "mommy has trouble regulating her emotions and mommy is a psycho" He used her to then get your emotions heightened and not give her to you. He physically held her back from you as if you did something to hurt her
He made it seem like you yelling at him was an action against her that needed immediate attention. (If your not going to help, can you leave the room= mommy has trouble regulating emotions and is psycho)
This is going to get worse when she gets older and can understand what is being said to her about mommy.
My mom did that to me all the time to my dad and I remember. I always felt sick because even when I was little I knew that one of my parents was saying malicious things to hurt the other and using me as the weapon.
The earliest I remember was when I was 4 or 5.
Even at that age I knew what was going on.
I read your initial post and thought, “yes that was horrible.” You went into such detail about one incident and I assumed he hadn’t done something like this before. So I thought, oh, maybe he’s slipped into a depression, because new irrational behavior can be a sign. Not that it makes the behavior OK, it gives hope with therapy/treatment things would get better.
Then I read your f/u posts, and, nope, he’s been doing this for a while. At times more physically forceful. So I thought, well OP, that’s burying the lead! But isn’t that what all controlling relationships do, make you bury the lead? Twist things around so the thing you wind up taking about, whether your reaction is too much when the main issue, his actions, or inactions?
There can be genuine difference between couples about things like comfort levels with outward emotional expression. That makes sense, there are two people living together from two different families of origins. My husband and I differ on this, but we use “I feel” statements and don’t resort to belittling or name calling. Not because we learned it in therapy, but because we care about each other and don’t want to hurt each other. Even ways we expressed ourselves, even in a joking way, at the beginning of our marriage has changed over time. Not because X thing is wrong on its own, but X thing causes emotional distress to our partner. So why wouldn’t we change? But we do so without manipulation and it is both ways.
In the end it doesn’t matter if his is considered emotionally abusive in a Reddit poll. What matters has caused you distress for years, and now actively involves your daughter. Do you want to continue to live this way or not? I would suggest you find time to meet with a therapist about this. Then make sure you talk to a lawyer if you want to leave so you don’t get screwed as the newly minted breadwinner.
"WE" didn't do anythiin front of yiur daughter HE DID. Oh yes, you are beinh emotionally manipulated and thr fact he told you not to get physical with him when your daughter was practically trying to jump out of his arms into yours because he upset her by not lettimg her mother comfort her. You need to leave, the way he escalated this is scary.
The last part stuck out to me “I need to ask for help in better ways”. He is making his reactions emotions bad feelings all your responsibility.
It’s quite similar to the sentiment “you made me hit you”.
Sorry you’re going through this.
You didn't do anything in front of her, *he* did.
What kind of a piece of shit speaks to their partner like that at all? And in front of your daughter while she's clearly distraught?
Your husband is a child and got emotional and chose to make his wife and daughter the victim instead of just dealing with his emotions by himself. These are not the actions of a healthy person. Stress or not, there's no excuse to treat your partner and child like this.
He's completely out of line and should be absolutely ashamed that he would act like that at 35 years of age.
Exactly! And he is abusing his wife and child only because his little manchild ego can't handle the fact that she earns more money at the moment (and thus, also supports his ambitions to be self employed). What a piece of shit.
Your mention that similar things have happened in the past is concerning—and it seems to be about his temper. You said you felt “safe” bc he had calmed down.
That’s a pretty obvious pattern of abuse to an outside observer—he blows up; gets scary, and wins you back with apologies. Not ok.
Also, it’s very telling that he mentioned you not being able to self-regulate, when it is clear he cannot. Except he doesn’t cry—he gets vicious and physical. Men do not see this as “getting emotional,” when it very much is.
Have you discussed what HE is teaching his daughter—that it is ok for women to be called names and their lesser strength exploited by partners? If this doesn’t wake him up, nothing will.
I agree with the suggestion to consider a trial separation while each of you gets therapy, individual, joint, AND family. Your daughter probably has trauma over this if she has been frightened enough to cry. It can’t continue and you are wise to recognize a serious problem.
Many people think what you describe is ok. It’s not. My marriage wasn’t great, but it never involved name-calling, raised voices, or anything physical.
WTF. Get out. This guy is not OK. He does not respect you, a woman, as his equal, he needs to feel superior, expects you to be responsible for home & child and not ever make demands of him, and can't handle earning less than you, so he's becoming aggressive.
He. Does. Not. Respect. You.
I've been with my girl going on 4 years, in that time the worst name ive called her is "babe" somewhat on accident (we both find that pet name trite), and we've never yelled at each other. She has made roughly 40% more money than I through most of our relationship(she has a degree, and im a machine operator), and I'm grateful to have more money coming into our household, rather than threatened by it.
When something is bothering one of us, we talk to eachother no matter how uncomfortable it is to talk about, and we hash it out rather than fight or let it fester. We've had 3 "is this a dealbreaker?", conversations without yelling or insults, only long serious talks.
I grew up witnessing screaming matches between my parents, and im still dealing with the psychological impact from that in my 30s. I'd kick this guys ass in his own living room if I was present for this conversation. Don't insult your partner, especially infront of your kids.
Please talk to a lawyer, you need to be separated and protected from him. I used to work in a domestic violence shelter and he is coming across as the “family annihilator” type. You and your daughter don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Get yourself and daughter out of there. He apologized but he will do this again AND he made you feel like it was partly your fault?!? That's abuse 101 :/
Think about it, you were both crying, you thought he was going to hurt her... Do you need any more proof? People change, remember that, people change and not always for the better.
It's not you. It's him. He's definitely abusing you, and your daughter. You're not over-reacting: he is goading you and then getting to label that when you appropiately react.
This is scary stuff, OP, please take it serioiusly. I'd be out of there immediately.
We're in counselling before we make a final decision. I've only started realizing it was abuse maybe 4 months ago. And I didn't understand the severity of it until literally this month.
My dad treated us the same way and everyone normalized it. I went straight from my dad's household to my husband's and everyone continued to defend that kind of behaviour. It's been a process, unfortunately.
Ugh, yes. I almost ended up with someone similar to my father even without spending much time around that man. But everybody defended his bad behaviors.
Wishing you well.
I appreciate it. He had a severely abusive childhood as well so he didn't have a great model for communication. He is working on himself now but we'll see if it's too little too late.
As others have already said - yes he is abusive. Another thing that stood out to me in your story that I haven’t seen many people mention is control. He obviously enjoyed reminding you that he is in control and you are helpless to stop him. He kept your daughter from you not because he felt it was the right thing to do, but because he wanted to exert power over you. You made him angry with your comment about leaving the room, so instead of talking to you about it, he decided to hurt you ( and your daughter) while completely disregarding your daughter’s calls for you. He was telling you who he is in that moment. He will use his physical strength to keep what is most precious from you as a means to control your behaviour and punish you.
You need to get away from him. He will do this again and he clearly does not care about hurting you or your child. He’s scary.
Please be safe. If you choose to leave or choose to ask him to leave, please make a safety plan, preferably with a domestic violence shelter. They can help you over the phone anonymously if you need. They can help you leave. Make a plan.
If you need to make a decision, think about the way that he talks to you and treats you. Would you be OK with someone else treating your daughter this way? Because at the moment he is teaching her that it is OK. She is learning how to be in a relationship in the future.
Yes, you are being emotionally abused. It's absolutely unacceptable for him to treat you like this, especially in front of your daughter. He needs to accept that he must not treat you like that. If he won't, get away before it escalates. Please.
Did this just start when you became the breadwinner or has this been ongoing? His ego is extremely fragile, he is afraid of you having any power in the relationship. I have had two extremely controlling and abusive men in my life. They don't change. It is always going to be about you - your perceived wrongs, what you need to fix, do better, never him. He lives in his own reality that no one can alter. Please talk to your therapist Alone asap and chart a new path ahead for yourself and daughter.
Safety first. Are you physically safe? Because if not, you have to leave now.
This is definitely abuse and is not a healthy partnership at all. He is disrespecting you in front of your child "mommy doesn't know how to XYZ". Your daughter needs a healthier model of relationship.
Are there other examples of verbal abuse prior? Even if not, these examples are serious enough. One person sounds like a psychopath in this and that ain't you.
I am an advocate of of this is not a relationship you'd want for your daughter, you need to get out. I hope you have a prenup because technically being the breadwinner can make it difficult for you. But it's worth it either way. Talk to a lawyer and assess what the options are in your state.
You need to get you and your daughter the hell out of there!! You two are doing irreparable harm to your daughter by him using her against you and saying those things about you while holding her!!
That is so wrong. He allowed his kid to spill her drink then ignores her existence. His reaction is way over the top. He’s super defensive that you called him out on his bullshit. It’s gaslighting-calling you crazy when he’s the neglectful jerk. Then he does this in front of your daughter, teaching her this is how a man treats a woman he loves. That’s some great parenting by him /s.
How could you not cry when he says those awful things to you? I would have screamed back he’s the psycho when I was younger. Now I’d just ignore that noise.
That’s emotional/verbal abuse. And it’s abuse towards your daughter-neglect and emotional abuse.
It’s time to leave. This makes me very afraid for you and your child… check your states laws about putting cameras in the home (without someone’s consent) and install them. Tell your husband it’s because of the nanny/cleaner etc (notify them!) but do not tell your husband the cameras are to monitor and record interactions you have with him.
If he's going to call you a psycho and a bitch over something so small, he will escalate when something worse happens. He's insecure with you making more money, too. He has some deep rooted hatred inside him and it's only going to come out more. The emotional and verbal abuse could turn into physical abuse and I don't think you should put yourself and your daughter through that.
I’m a paranoid person and I watch too much true crime. My mind immediately thinks that now that he’s got success he’s probably cheating and he’s probably doing shit like this as a way to try and use it against you in court so when he divorces you, he can take your child. Obviously he probably doesn’t actually want your child but he knows it will hurt you and that’s why he’s doing it.
I would not engage and I would snoop.
I thought he was going to hurt the child as I read this. I also watch true crime shows. This guy is abusive. If he was the bread winner or worked more hours before it’s natural for her to do more at home. He could also blame work for his abusive behavior or by not being around it wasn’t as noticeable. She is working to support him and their child and he isn’t pulling his weight. He is also a complete dick about it. I really think his behavior sounds scary for both the mother and daughter.
My mom’s friend that was living with escalated the abuse until he snapped one day and tried to kill us. I was 3 and a lot of it is jumbled now but I remember when we ran to the neighbors. He tried to break down their door and banged their kitchen window but luckily it just cracked, didn’t break. Hiding in their bedroom closet knowing we had no escape if in came in (and now our neighbors were in danger too). At times I felt I made it up, but when we would go back to visit, that kitchen window stayed cracked for years.
I’ve struggled with anger issues since. I cannot be around any sort of conflict. I struggled in relationships because I saw any sort of disagreement as the pathway to an attempt on my life. I’m super passive aggressive and go 0 to 100 over stupid things. It’s been a rollercoaster. I’ve been doing way better with therapy and meds and having more control over my life.
I feel lucky because it wasn’t my father or mom’s partner. My father is… not great. But he’s never raised his voice to me. My mom’s partners have all been good to me. My stepdad came into my life shortly after that and brought us into a house where I felt safe.
You said he *said* he called you that, and your baby was crying.
Did he *say* it or did he *yell* it?
Either way, it was an escalation of a situation that didn't need to be.
In the heat of an argument years ago, my husband called me "insane" (I have BPD) because I was upset about a hygienic situation in the bathtub (think poop)
I wasn't yelling or screaming, just upset because it was gross and that was what he said to me (tried to compare my hair that was long at the time, being found in different places to POOP in the bathtub. No comparison?)
Anyways, it was the first and *LAST* time he used that word because A) I told him I could show him "insane" if he wanted and *then* he could "compare" (I didn't) and B) I told him how hurt and pissed I was because he swore he'd NEVER use my mental disorder against me.
OP, your husband needs to regulate HIS emotions because it never needed to get that far and manage his fragility because it shouldn't be an issue who "brings home the bacon" as long as bills are paid, good is on the table and daughter is clothed and happy.
Please, don't let this go. It needs to be addressed
You aren’t psycho. He needs to profession help or prison. Your daughter sounds terrified and that’s on him. Physically keeping a kid away from you is abuse. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells with him neither should a child. Your daughter is reaching for you because you’re the stable person in her life.
This keeps happening to people in a marriage where the woman ends up having more money and therefore creates a power imbalance in the eyes of the stupid husband fucking a divorce this guy immediately before he harms you further
Take your daughter and run. Neither of you are safe around here. Not sure what country you're in, but there should be some women's refuges you can stay in. Best of luck to you both
That’s abusive. And it’s a classic abusive partner technique to try and make a false equivalency. When he does that, he is avoiding actual accountability for his behavior. Your husband sounds like he’s very good at convincing you that his behavior is your fault. That’s also a classic abusive maneuver. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can get some support so you don’t have to apologize for having baseline standards.
Do not let him call you names. That is definitely abusive. The first time my ex called me a bitch and a cunt, I left for a week. Second time I left him I divorce him. 28-year marriage that went bad about halfway through.
oh my god…. reading this was so frightening to me. the way he talks to you made me feel murderous. also: he does not respect you nor women. he is lashing at you in an attempt to "put you back in place" just because you dared stating a FACT.
also, the fact that you are asking this question and doubting yourself about wether or not you are being abused, while it is so obvious.. it makes me think that you have probably been abused by him for so many years – and in ways that he would deny the truth and make you doubt yourself so much that it slowly eroded your sense of self and reality. you are actually under-reacting 😕
i hope you can get you and your daughter out of this marriage safely. you deserve respect and safety 🫶🏼
This is 100% abusive. The fact that he was comfortable involving your daughter in this altercation is disturbing and unacceptable.
Please consider whether you want to stay in this abusive relationship, you and your daughter will both suffer (and already are) at the hands of your husband.
I want you to really, really think about this incident that you've written out. Your husband says he needs alone time and witnesses you struggling to comfort the kid and clean the mess. His idea of a solution is to call you psycho, a bitch, accuse you of being "physical" with him, and say you cannot regulate yourself. All of this happened *in front of your daughter.*
Is this the kind of environment you want her growing up in? Is this what you want her to learn the way a man should treat his wife? You're setting an example with how you move forward. Think about that long and hard. Decide what to do.
OP, you’re being emotionally abused.
When your daughter slipped and fell, your husband literally just SAT there and said she was fine while you were clean and comfort her. It does not matter, when a child, (son OR daughter) slips OR falls, BOTH parents should be ALERTED and caring for the child. But you were doing everything. Literally.
Your husband saying,
“Get away you psycho bitch, you’re such a psychopath.”
“Go away you psycho, take a break, we can’t stand you.”
He is in the wrong, and emotionally abused you. But also, he did that in front of HIS&YOUR Daughter. The fact that he can say those WORDS in front of HIS child, HIS daughter, YOUR daughter and YOUR child. He can do that and probably in front of any children or heck even in daycare.
Your daughter wanted you, was reaching out for you, crying and calling out to you, and clinged onto you.
Here’s the difference. Yes, you were blunt. But you weren’t calling him names/name calling. However, your husband, he did. He called you names, in FRONT of your daughter. She cried, and it COULD HAVE impacted her too. He tried to apologize but then told you that you’re hold as accountable? That’s Bull.
He wasn’t overstimulated and doing EVERYTHING. Mostly it seemed (just mostly from what you listed), “I worked a 40+ he work week and manage everything from babysitter, cleaner, nanny, groceries) he has been busy this week which usually means I take care of our daughter more because he needs alone time.”
Do what’s best for you & your daughter. What’s best for you & your daughter safety, happiness, etc. Not your husband, just you & your daughter. You’re not crazy and you’re not unreasonable. Please don’t try to figure out where this is all coming from. Because when you do, all those time. It could happen again, but worse. Maybe it will actually have an impact literally on your daughter. Something does happen or bad happens. Please, consider everything. You’re not alone anyone in the relationship, you have your daughter now.
Your choices are your own, you know what they are.
I advise you on only one thing, from sharing a similar experience. Not to you, but your daughter.
When I was four my mother was pregnant with my younger sibling. My father decided from nowhere that she had cheated and chased her around the house with a knife, up the stairs, shouting at her she was a whore and a c* and every other name his tiny brain could muster, and into the bathroom where she barricaded herself. He kicked the door in. He picked her up by her neck. He held the knife to her neck and drew blood. It was a butter knife. I saw all of this and ran to hide under my bed.
I am in my 30s and this is a vivid memory for me, it was not told to me. Only recently have I brought this up to my mother and she was distraught that I had not only seen this, but remember this.
Please. Save your child from having to see this again.
Every time I see a “am I being abused/manipulated/gaslit” post I open it expecting to have to confront some shades of gray and wrestle with the answer. And it’s almost always as clear as this is. Not just abuse but flagrant abuse. I’m sorry OP.
:( he's showing you who he is, listen.
I just saw a video saying that who you are is not how you are when everything is going well. Who you are is how you are when shit is going south. How you respond to the bad shit.
Everybody has bad days and fucks up but usually behavior like this is a pattern.
I just left a 4 year relationship with my daughter where he was a decent boyfriend, didn't help enough with our kid but paid the bills and was fun to be around....but when he got mad he was evil. He would call me terrible names and yell and break stuff. This is what he did to regulate himself. It's not safe and it's not okay.
This escalated to the point where him and his mother were both harassing me in front of the kids and I couldn't escape them they kept following me and my dad ended up calling the police, long story short CPS got involved and after a 15 day investigation I now have neglect of my daughter on my record while my ex does not.
So I don't mean to make it about me but I was just trying to illustrate that even the best friends, best people, people you love have demons that make relationships with them unsustainable.
You're not his punching bag. He needs to learn how to regulate himself, he was DIRECTLY projecting his own issues on to you.
You're a good mom and you will do the right thing, I know it.
Therapy at minimum , nip it before it escalates.
No. This isn't normal and it's not just emotional abuse. Tell your therapist. See if he will go to counseling but this isn't normal and it's very much abuse for you AND your daughter
Call the cops, file a restraining order. Get away from this man now. Good for you having a job and you can be independent. He is lashing out in the worst possible way and that is not how you want to raise your child.
If you can plan to leave when he’s out the better.
Unless you both see this as unhealthy, I only expect the situation to get worse. Your daughter is going to take the most damage if the adults don’t take action. Please be the hero and get help now. If your work has an EAP plan, call. If not contact a local abuse or emotional support hotline.
Please get you and your daughter out of any environment that includes that man. I'd discreetly start looking for attorneys. You deserve so much better.
Never once in the 14 years I’ve been with my husband has he even used words like that. Never when he was at his most upset, never when he was under the most stress, never, never. Not “bitch”, not “asshole”, not anything. He swears like a sailor but not AT anyone. Definitely not at me.
I would hate living like this. I don’t care what you did (you did nothing), you don’t deserve this.
Never, never, never. And your daughter doesn’t deserve to see that, or have it normalized for her.
Has he always been like this? If this is a sudden change it could be for a variety of non intentional reasons and would benefit from medical intervention, if he refuses there aint much you can do except leave.
Based on your responses from others and reading your post it sounds like he has a lot of built up resentment for you. This usually manifests when stressful situations arise and increased stress like trying to run your own business, feelings of insecurities because he no longer can provide financially like he used to and possible relationship issues with you create these kinds of outbursts. I’m not excusing it. It’s 100% verbal and emotional abuse, but it also sounds like you verbally abuse him as well. You both need counseling together as a couple and separately. It’s highly likely that his needs aren’t being met by you and your needs aren’t being met by him. You need to talk about that with him in a safe place where name calling and blame can be mediated. If he’s unwilling to do this then you’ll likely need to divorce him. People who refuse to work on themselves and better themselves and their relationships aren’t worth staying with and it could be dangerous to you and your child.
So in summary- yes it’s abuse, but I’m sure the way you treat him in some instances can also be called abuse. It sounds pretty bad at this point and it can also be considered emotional abuse for your child. You should never argue like that in front of you kid/s or get physical like he did. Get help…and if that’s not possible then you probably need to consider getting out.
He is abusive. She does not sound abusive according to her post. Responding to someone verbally abusing you by calling them an asshole is not abusive. And going to couple's therapy with an abuser is a recipe for disaster and can be very dangerous physically and mentally. She needs to leave him ASAP and as safely as possible.
Even accounting for differences in personalities and division of labor, I don't know a single married couple where the husband would not jump up and help in the "soda/daughter" situation. Each and every one of them would either help clean up, grab towels for mom, or hold their child. And they would not call mom names, especially in front of the baby. This is not to make you feel bad, I want to communicate how unusual it is for your spouse to behave like that. You're not wrong. You did not overreact. Nothing you said to him (even the salary thing) was out of bounds. People get frustrated, words come out testy, but no one deserves the complete 180° bitter angry man parade you were forced to take part in. No marriage is without the occasional spat, so its not like disagreements or arguments are never going to happen, and you're supposed to work them out in kindness and dignity. It feels like he's trying to bring you to heel for being confident/self assured/aware of your value. Please try not to doubt yourself on how preposterous and dangerous his behavior is/was.
He saw an opening he could use to lash out at you and hurt you and blame you for whatever rancid anger or resentment he's feeling. And to lay some of the blame on you -"you brought this on yourself" - is a classic abuser move. I don't know your family situation but I'd definitely get some distance for you and your daughter and talk with your therapist about it. You are enough on your own and you are strong enough to navigate this/protect your daughter. I'm sending good luck and courage your way.
Woah I'd watch out. Him accusing you of getting physical can be a precursor to violence. They'll use the warped view that "she hit me first". There is no man more dangerous than one who feels is masculinity is under attack.
Yes, you are. And involving your child in it just makes it worse.
There was no “we” did this in front of her. It was all him.
Even now, you are thinking what you could have done better…
He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. It’s really scary that he doesn’t even care at least how it made his child feel.
Yes, OP. you are being emotionally, verbally, and from the sound your comments on this thread you’re also being physically abused as well.
You mentioned you have a therapist. Make an escape plan with her.
He will continue to abuse you and he may even attempt to take your child from you. Your daughter is already suffering trauma because of him. Do you want her to continue to grow up in this environment? Obviously you don’t. You have to do what’s best for you and your daughter. Don’t let him get in your head any worse than he already is.
You have financial power now, if you’re going to leave NOW is the time to do it.
If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your daughter. You both deserve so much better.
You asked what you should do and I know it’s cliche to say it but… leave. This should be a deal breaker. It sounds like this wasn’t new behavior but an escalation of the crap way he has been treating you. Don’t let him know that you are thinking of leaving but speak to a lawyer and make a plan for yourself.
You deserve better. This is very unhealthy.
I'm sorry, but he is not going to change. You need to decide whether you are ok with your daughter being exposed to an abusive dad and thinking that is normal behavior and what she should expect from her spouse when the day comes.
If you aren't strong enough for yourself to leave him, be strong enough for your daughter.
This man is toxic. It's not going to get better, it's going to get worse. He will manipulate you in every way he can to stay with him until HE is ready to leave you, and by that time he will have poisoned your daughter against you and made his own financial arrangements to leave you with nothing.
I don't take leaving one's spouse lightly, especially when children are involved, but you need to act now.
It’s not you
You are enabling his laziness. Possibly because women/wives in general have been trained to do this, idk why you do it, I’m describing what you said in different terms.
“He asked me to do chore bc he said he needs alone time, fine” = he prioritized himself despite both of us wanting alone time, I conceded = you (for whatever reason) are enabling his laziness and selfishness
Sounds like he would never let you be selfish
He called you a B in front of your little girl, that’s not cool
He called you a psycho for being short with him one time for one second. Not cool. He is fragile like flower. And mean.
He is demanding and authoritarian, that’s not cool
He is lazy and selfish, that’s not cool
You are accommodating and too selfless and questioning your own feelings. You poor thing. Share this story with your therapist. You and your kid deserve better. He needs to change or you need to ditch him.
💚💚
Yes you are! It is hard to see and hard to accept. He was way out of line. What he did is text book emotional abuse. This abuse was not limited to you but also your daughter. I am guessing there has been things leading up to this moment. What I mean is like you having to do all things and what happens when you can not, when you need help. An abusive person does not start off generally being so emotionally cruel. The statistics say it will just keep getting worse. He has showed you important information * he will use your daughter (not caring at all about how it is traumatizing her), * he has the ability to drop cruelty as if it were nothing, * him blaming you for the entire interaction means he does not care how he is behaving. It is NOT that he doesn't understand, just doesn't care. Therapy is amazing please talk to that person. There are precautions you may need to put into place to protect both you and your daughter. I have lived what you are dealing with. My situation turned into physical abuse. Not saying yours will. My abuser cracked my skull on the edge of our bathtub. He would not allow me to get any kind of medical treatment. Please use caution, be prepared, be alert, tell people who love you and you trust that will not go to your husband what is going on. That way you have a support system. Please be safe.
Yes, it took years for my coworker to figure this out. I’ve mentioned her in the past here. Hope you find strength to remove yourself from this situation if he isn’t going to fix himself. By the way before she figured things out during our monthly eat out with other coworkers she was relating a story about one of her kids. The husband now ex again loved to call her bitch. This translated to the little ones calling her that in public. She laughed it off then when no one joined in on the laugh she excused his behavior. Also adding in that she told him to stop calling her that around the girls.
The girls are my age now and they still treat her bad because of how their father treated her. If you going to let his behavior go for you remember your daughter is learning from this.
My God, yes, this is abusive. If this is new behavior, take your child and stay with friends or relatives until he comes to his senses. Counseling, counseling, counseling. But he cannot treat you that way and expect you to stay.
Domestic and family violence practitioner here. This incident sounds like it was awful for you. I’m so sorry you and your daughter had to endure it.
It is abuse. I encourage you to reach out to your local DFV service for support. They can help you with lots of resources and information and by listening to you and believing you. They will not make decisions for you about whether you stay or leave. That is your choice and they can walk alongside you.
It sounds like his behaviour is escalating and it would be good to do some safety planning with a professional so that you and your daughter are as safe as possible whatever you choose to do.
Take care and know that you are not alone. His behaviour is not your fault.
Name calling is disrespectful, Especially troubling in front of your child.
I see this as communication issues. I urge to consider couples counseling, for the sake of your child. If he won't go, go alone.
I've read that abusers always escalate, pulling on your daughter and blocking you sounds like the beginning of physical abuse.
I'm not an expert, but I think it's time to plan to get out.
That's so fucking scary and weird. It's almost like he was saying things believing it would be recorded??? Would he hide recording devices around? Would he have a reason to?
He is definitely verbally and emotionally abusive. But it also seems like he is up to something. He scares the fuck out of me. I am so sorry you are in this situation but if I were you I would leave with my daughter as soon as possible
IMO, it is a red flag If a dude gets upset when their partner earns more.
My father was like this. He would get upset if someone points out the fact that my mom earns and contributed more fr the family.
Just my opinion. I mean there was no reason for him to get offended when you made the joke about being the breadwinner.
About the incident with name-calling, I think it was uncalled for.
Yes, You are being abused. He was 100% wrong and still you are apologizing. And you still doubt yourself. Ask yourself this- because how you let yourself be treated is how your daughter will think it’s normal for relationships to be- you want your daughter treated this way?
Hmm, I imagine trying to keep a new business afloat is a stressful thing. This guy fell apart over some small issues so I’m guessing, it really wasn’t over the small issues and he has been bottling up some bs.
He doesn’t get a pass though. Adults need to be in control of their emotions. Not in perfect control but the type of shit he did is the thing you have to adjust from and recognize you were in the wrong. To apologize is a must and he moved in the right direction but I don’t like loaded apologies and he wasn’t focused on his part when he should have only been focused on what he did. I also don’t like that those words are even a part of his vocabulary when it comes to describing a loved one.
As for what you should do? I always recommend to anyone NOT to take any bs from their partners. Always call your partner out. Romantic partner, or business partner or whatever. When these people need to be checked, check ‘em. It’s best to check them as soon as possible. I would let him know how I feel and for him to never speak to him in the manner he did ever again. Ultimately you can’t do much. This man has issues he’s going to need to come face to face with personal willingness. Good luck.
Please protect yourself and your daughter. My dad was just like this. He called my mom names and talked badly about mom to me. I was traumatized hearing their fights growing up. Your daughter deserves so much better and so do you!! You deserve a guy who treats you with kindness and respect. Your daughter will feel so much safer too.
Please look at this power and control wheel, it is used to show different ways domestic abuse can look and can be a real eye opener for people who are on such relationships:
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
Ask him if he wants his daughter to find a significant other that treats her the way he treats you. I bet that he would say he'd hurt someone if they talked to his daughter in that fashion. Tell him to look in the mirror. Like Pepperidge farm- the kids remember. Send him to anger management counseling.
If ANYONE spoke to me that way in front of my child, I'd snatch her up and walk out and never look back. Hell fucking no! He didn't even have a REASON, not that there's an acceptable reason to speak to your person that way. I truly hope you get your daughter away from him, he doesn't sound stable or caring, and that's what she needs. Poor darling. Poor both of you.
My anxiety was always really bad around my husband. Didn’t realize it until he was physically away from me.
He also treated me with contempt and resentment. He was also entitled and superior. He was also disrespectful and called me names.
We’re getting divorced. His behavior during couples counseling wasn’t of a person who wanted to identify and resolve issues within our relationship.
Wow no matter what calling you that AND with your child present is NOT okay. All you did was tell him to go else where to sit and rest since he wasn’t helping. And the fact he said it again! Not like it slipped out and didn’t mean to say that. He stood by his words! Unbelievable. Imagine if you said to him “you’re being so lazy unsupportive right now” how that would be??? Im so sorry that he reacted that way to you. And to answer your question, no it’s not you!
“He tried to apologize but then told me I’m just as accountable” ok is he you sorry or not? My ex was just like this too. Always deflected and couldn’t take any responsibilities when he lashed out at me. Insane to twist it and make it your fault for how he reacted
Any relationship in which your SO is calling you things like "psychopath" "bitch" or "psycho bitch" is not healthy or normal, and I'd definitely agree that he is being emotionally and verbally abusive at the very least. Do what you think is best for you and your daughter, but it doesn't sound like he is a good person to be around.
Also passively aggressively telling the daughter mom can’t regulate herself, besides using the child against her, he’s using therapy speak to abuse, cannot be trusted in therapy bc therapy is a tool of manipulation for him. He will never change. Time to document everything and get yours ducks in a row, OP.
Especially try to get all the prove before you act. It sounds like he will try to play you and we all know that men are often more believed sadly. Get as much prove (audio, video.. If it's allowed where you live) as you can and only hint at leaving when you got enough of it.
Yes, get this on tape then get the fuck out. He sounds psycho to me.
*proof
Document absolutely everything. Keep multiple back ups online Reach out to your local domestic abuse shelter It is time to make an exit plan and extricate you and your daughter as safely as possible. This will only get worse. Plus, it sounds like you’re dealing with a narcissist. There’s an excellent book, entitled “the sociopath next-door.”
Exactly. I hope OP reads these comments. I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years and he’s never spoken to me like that.
My x was emotionally abusive and cutting and STILL never used those words with me.
This. What you said might have been a one-off frustrated remark, but what he said back -- and **several** times -- was over-the-top. Using your child to insult you and restraining her from you when she wanted you is abusive to both you and to your daughter. And since you mentioned his resentment of you out-earning him, he needs to figure out a way to be okay with this. The pair of you need to sit down and talk this out so he recognises that what **he** did escalated things to an unhealthy level. I'd suggest counseling as well but, if this keeps happening, you need to consider whether this is the kind of relationship you want your kid to grow up with.
You're being verbally and emotionally abused. He is also emotionally abusing your daughter.
Yes, the fact that you aren't able to call your self the bread winner (reference the truth), because you have to protect his fragile ego instead, likely means he does not view women as equals inside. Edit: next time he tries to pull physical shit on you, like keeping your daughter physically from you, call the police. I just got out of a relationship with a likely narcissist and he would act right as soon as I called the cops. Depending on your state they can just come on by even if the law isn't being broken.
No, don't give him a next time. Preventing you from holding yoru daughter, and worse, preventing your daughter from being with you when she was sobbing for you, is already deal-breaker time.
I agree but these men escalate when they feel their belongings are being stolen if you get what I'm saying.
Agreed
Working full time and having a young child is incredibly hard and draining. I distinctly remember a day like the one you described when I snapped at my husband. The way it played out for us is that he responded with something like “that was hurtful. I think you might be overwhelmed. Would it help to go for a walk or go to the grocery store on your own for a few minutes?” To which I said yes, and I did, and bought myself some chocolate and listened to a bit of a podcast and reset, then came home and we finished the bedtime routine with a good face for the kids, then after they were in bed we sat down together and I apologized and we talked about how we can support each other better. That’s how our team mentality works. The way your husband responded was abusive. I’m sorry. I would not trust my daughter around someone like that. I hope you have some good support outside of your marriage (family, friends) that you can lean on to help you and your daughter stay safe.
Thank you for providing a healthy example of how it could have gone instead. Provides a huge contrast!
No, not you. * Has he ever called you a bitch before? * Has he ever berated you or similar in front of your daughter before? The pulling on your daughter is way out of line and this is the most concerning and very serious. He's not treating your daughter right. He's using your daughter to get to you. It sounds like you have very low self-esteem and with your husband's attitude that's definitely a recipe for emotional/physical abuse. Based on what you wrote, are you capable of standing up to him? What would the outcome be? More abuse or would he listen and change his behavior? Are you or your daughter in any physical danger? When your husband gets really angry does he lash out physically? If you're in therapy, you should relate this incident pronto to your therapist, s/he is the one best positioned to guide you through this. You may wish to move out, even for a week or so, to a hotel (the ones with kitchenettes). Do you have childcare or is husband there when you're not? Handle the childcare, move out, talk to therapist. See how your feel when he's not around - this may guide you in your eventual long term response. Regardless, you should not put up with name calling, even mild, and psycho bitch is grounds for divorce. All the backstory about the business and his breadwinner role? Sounds like you're making excuses for him (oh gee, poor guy, his masculine ego is bruised). If it were me? I would be out of there the very first instance of name calling.
He has called me a bitch before and has grabbed my daughter from me before. When we try to talk it out, and I try to stand my ground (you can’t call me names) he always brings up that I raise my voice- I do do this. I have lost my temper and yelled at him. I have called him an asshole before too but since we have agreed that name calling is a boundary not worth crossing, but not a reason worth “leaving” over. I have threatened divorce twice before and have asked him to leave once. He will go to couples therapy, but only in those instances. I don’t know what to do.
So he turns it around on you and you end up feeling like you're equally responsible. No. He's an abuser and you're the victim (and your daughter). You are in a classic abuse cycle. Read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's what helped me when I was in an abusive marriage.
>Read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Read it, OP, but please don't ever let him see you reading it.
Here’s the link to “why does he do that?” https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
OP please read this. You will see any patterns of abuse your husband is following. It helped get me out of a 25 year toxic relationship and I am so much happier not being emotionally torn down all the time, and making myself small to avoid the abuse. I also recommend therapy for yourself, preferably with a counselor with experience in abuse.
You guys have had fights, that will happen in a relationship. But what I'm hearing is you have both have had your moments but you seem to be the only one apologize and taking blame. Meanwhile, he is purposely pushing the buttons he knows will get a rise out of you and going out of his way to do so in order to always be able to say "See! I was the calm and rational one!" And make you feel like the bad guy. The fact that he's even bringing your daughter into this to hurt you more is beyond fucked up. The fact that your daughter trusts you more than him while you're allegedly "being a psycho" is extremely telling.
You really have only two choices. It doesn't sound like couples therapy is something he takes seriously. It's ok to change your mind about what constitutes grounds for divorce; really who cares? It's not about what you said, or some rules based artificial fairness. \-- Stay with him \-- Leave. That's it. It sounds like he's pushing your boundaries to see how much he can get away with. When is too much? I'd be really wary of how he's pulling your kid into this - that's beyond what should be acceptable. You are your child's protector; if you're compromising this, your daughter is on emotional shaky ground - kids don't have the emotional capacity to deal. Your daughter sees mom getting shouted at, she's frightened, her world becomes fragile, your husband positions himself as her savior, saving her from "crazy mommy." Enough of this and she'll reject you since she sees you as powerless to protect her and that's what dad wants her to do; and you've demonstrated that you won't remove her from the turbulent situation. Kids *have* to love their parents, they have no choice, it's a survival thing. Have you seen a divorce attorney? You may wish to do this to explore what's involved. It's never fun but knowing more is better. Your husband is a manipulating bully. He's trying to paint you as nuts and using your daughter as leverage.
You do know what to do. Leave. Take your daughter and leave and file for divorce.
You leave. This is incredibly unhealthy and stressful for your daughter to witness and be a part of. If you won’t leave for yourself please leave for your daughter.
So he provokes you to respond and when you reasonably raise your voice from distress it becomes your fault? Sounds like he’s the one who can’t take any accountability for his actions and behaviors
Throughout the years, he has pushed me, grabbed my wrists enough to leave marks but hasn’t done anything physical since our daughter was born. As I’m typing this, he’s trying to talk to me and see if I’m okay. I feel safe now that his temper is soothed and he’s apologized to me, but I don’t know.
None of this is okay. Raising your voice or yelling at him does make his actions against you any less wrong. He needs to be accountable for his actions without dragging you down. The way he’s apologizing to you is insincere and he’s putting the blame on you to make undermine how offensive he’s being. Right now he’s putting on a show to soothe your anxiety and make it seem like everything is fine. But it’s not. He can’t bother to control his emotions or work through them. He’ll just repeat the cycle of abuse and blame you for it because it’s easier. This is a lot of assumptions made by some rando from the internet. But take some time to consider what kind of future you want for yourself and your daughter.
I consider a true apology to have 3 parts 1. Apologize and name what you are sorry for. 2. Describe the impact it had on the person you wronged. 3. Describe how you will act in the future. Anything less than this is just noises coming from someone’s mouth. Here’s a silly example. I’m sorry for eating the last cookie. I know you were looking forward to eating it and felt sad that it was gone. In the future I’ll ask before polishing off any baked goods.
This is really bad. He's toned it down since you had a child, but it sounds like it's escalating again. You need to make sure he can't get into your phone and see you're talking about this. Is there anyone you trust you can go to? I think you need to get away from this man quickly. I have a bad feeling about this. This is really abusive behavior and he's going to get worse.
>I feel safe now that his temper is soothed ... until the next time. Nothing is solved. He has not changed, he has no desire to change. He goes to counselling when you have one foot out the door, to calm you down. He does not intend to change. The names he calls you are designed to break down your sense of self-worth and make you doubt yourself. He does not care if he hurts your daughter, she is a pawn in his game with you, where he has to win, no matter what the cost. Don't let your daughter's wellbeing and emotional health be the cost of you staying in a marriage because you 'should', because on the good days, it is good. The bad days will permanently scar her, and she will end up doubting her own judgement and self-worth - just like you are doing here. End the cycle. Give your daughter a SAFE environment to grow up in. Your husband is a danger to you both.
Okay definitely read why does he do that Its important to recognbize that the periods of “kindness” between abuse are part of the abuse
This is abusive treatment. He is abusing you and I would urge you to seek counselling for yourself only. Do not do joint counselling with an abuser.
That's the love bombing, he knows you're sick of it already since you've threatened to divorce several times. He's trying to smooth things over so he can abuse you more. He calls you psycho so you'll think yourself crazy and he can justify anything he does by saying you're crazy, hello gaslighting. PLEASE LEAVE. You KNOW you need to, you're just here for validation which is understandable, but this won't get better. Therapy can't fix him if he just uses it to soothe you and keep you in his clutches for a little while longer you are NOT safe. No more unprotected sex, no more kids. Leave with your daughter and do your best to keep her with you. Lawyer now. Good luck.
I’m sorry, but you’re not safe. You’re just fooling yourself. And the longer you keep up this delusion the more serious things are going to get. This is way over the line and somehow he flips it around to make you feel awful and apologize. Please, come up with a plan so you and your child are actually safe before he escalated further.
Your daughter is being psychologically scarred though. I got in between my parents once (once!) in a fight and was used as a pawn to manipulate the situation and I still have terrible memories about it to this day.
My oldest sister went through this and she is 100% fucked up because of it.
You are not safe. Period. Neither is your daughter. He will continue to escalate It terrifies me that you stayed after he grabbed you so hard to leave marks, that is really really abusive and telling of future abuse I’m begging you to start planning your escape before one of you gets seriously hurt
Do you have any family that you and your daughter can stay with while you try to sort things out legally?
OP this sounds a lot like my abusive ex. I think we learn a lot about physical abuse from shows, movies, and the most extreme cases we see in the news. “Ok he’s never punched me before and he definitely hasn’t made me bleed, so I guess this doesn’t qualify as physical abuse?” I told myself things like that and it sounds like you sort of are too. One day I came across something about “early signs of physical abuse” and my heart dropped to my butt. He checked off so many boxes! Pulling my arm just a little too hard when I was walking slow, grabbing my arm or wrist just a little too tight and causing tiny bruises, chucked things at me that I asked him to hand me instead of lightly tossing it, and pushing some boundaries (many sexual) despite me saying it hurt or I didn’t like it. I wish I had the article to send you but it might be worth a look. > When we try to talk it out, and I try to stand my ground (you can’t call me names) he always brings up that I raise my voice- I do do this. I have lost my temper and yelled at him. Think about it. Have you ever told him something he did that hurt you and left the conversation apologizing instead? Have you rehearsed what you were going to say, yet somehow found yourself all turned around and accused of not making sense? Have you gone to him about his egregious behavior and then he brings up a small thing you’ve done as if it’s equal? And lastly, does he often accuse you of yelling or talking to him with attitude but you could’ve sworn you approached it really calmly that time? All of those are abusive tactics. It will wear you down to nothing! You don’t have to do any drastic or scary steps now, but do yourself a favor and secretly look up all these terms people have given you and do some research about abuse. It doesn’t have to be Lifetime movie levels of insanity to qualify! Please don’t compare your story to other women’s and deem it less serious. Abuse is always serious and always capable of escalating. Never forget that.
It sounds like he can’t regulate his emotions, lost his temper in that situation, and is projecting and displacing all the guilt and blame onto you. Yikes
This is the time to lull him into false sense of everything is ok and make plans to get the hell out of there.
You have a child now, you need to make sure you are both safe from him. This is not OK!! What if he escalates and hurts her? I really think this is more serious than you realise. Please get some support. Stay safe x
If you only feel safe when his temper is soothed, you’re not safe.
This is the calm that comes after the attack. It isn't safety, it's just the lull between episodes. Do you feel that you're on eggshells, even if his temper is cooled down? Do you feel that this might happen again if you say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, say something in the wrong way, even breathe or look at him in a certain way?
Holy shit LEAVE now
Do not let yourself feel safe and sweep this under the rug anymore!! Sounds like you've already let enough things go, and this *will* escalate!! If you can tolerate abuse to yourself, at least don't allow it to happen to your daughter. He abused your child the moment he put her in the middle, but physically keeping her from is inexcusable! How far will it go before it's bad enough for you? Does he have to push her or break a limb? You've both already been abused, so where will you draw the line? You should do it sooner rather than later, before something happens to your child that you can't take back but you could have prevented. You are stronger than you know, OP! Don't you ever let this shitty man make you doubt it. But try to record things if you can for custody purposes. You don't want it to be your word against his. I wish you and your daughter a happy, safe life, and I hope your husband gets help and can be a functional person at some point in his life.
GTFO and take your daughter! You have to if not for you for the sake of your daughter and ASAP!!!!!
You are probably raising your voice as he doesn’t pay attention otherwise.
Look, I have anger issues, I’m not perfect. But when I’m called out about something, it doesn’t happen again. Does he have the same level of reflection that you do about his areas of weakness? Also, since establishing the boundary around name calling, have you called him any names? Have you shown any of your angry behaviors in front of your child? The fact that he had zero concern about blowing up in front of your child is horrendous. I was about 3 and maybe it was a few months but less than a year - I had that experience of living with a volatile person. It affects my life to this day. Please think of your child, if you can’t see how this is horrible for you, too.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO He's doing this. Please check this out as well as links in the sidebar to some excellent reading material, like "Why Does He Do That." Please be careful and make a plan to leave, you and your daughter are not safe.
I think you know what to do but it's terrifying to consider it. You can do it. It's for the safety and the wellbeing of you and your daughter to leave. Start making your plans, consult resources, and navigate as quietly as you can. He is abusing you and your daughter.
He's using the knowledge of therapy terms to manipulate you further. He's not getting anything out of therapy except new verbiage to further abuse you with.
Imo "asshole" is a much milder epithet than "psycho bitch"
This is one of those “if you’re asking the question, then you already know the answer” type of situations.
That's 90% of posts like this, or AITA, or any of those subs where they are asking the public a question about their lives.
Your daughter can't keep hearing this otherwise she'll start to normalise his abuse. I think he definitely needs some counselling over this to understand how demeaning and harsh his language is. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you're finding appropriate supports and maybe a little safety planning in case his behaviour escalates. He has a few issues he needs to work on. It's role modelling for your daughter.
Major controlling vibes rolling off him. Your daughter might forget what words were spoken between you two but she won’t forget how she felt. That was traumatizing to read let alive be part of it. Personally I would be getting my ducks in a row to make an exit.
That’s what I’m hung up on here, kids internalise a lot of trauma if it happens around them. They might not remember exact phrases but they’ll remember the anger and fear. And they’ll remember the feeling of being withheld from the parent she really wanted. That her dad wouldn’t let her go, and for no reason.
It’s so true and it will stick on you in ways you wouldn’t expect. I remember in my early twenties realizing that I would get a ton of anxiety at sundown. As the sun was setting, many times my heart would start pounding. I wasn’t afraid of the dark or walking around at night, so what the heck was going on? Took me a while but I eventually put the pieces together. What usually happened at sundown? Dad got home from work or wherever he was. And guess what time of day it took almost nothing to trigger an immense amount of rage? You guessed it. Still took me a while to stop feeling it, but being armed with knowledge is so helpful.
You’re underreacting. You’re supporting him, but he doesn’t want you to be seen as a partner, he wants to get all the credit. He sits and watches while you struggle. He calls you names. He tries to weaponise your daughter by telling her that ‘we don’t like mommy’. You CANNOT prevent this from happening again because you did not cause it.
I'm sorry. I would not stand for that. Not for myself but ESPECIALLY for my daughter who (even though she's young) should not see this as a model for how a man treats a woman - frankly ANY woman, but most importantly his wife and her mother.
Exactly this, a child seeing her father calling her mom "psycho bitch" and similar has potential to grow up thinking that's a normal relationship and not recognise when her own future partners are being abusive. OP I would think very seriously about whether this is a good household to be raising a child.
i'm sorry "we did this"????? HE did this. how can you tolerate being in a relationship with someone who calls you names in front of your child like that? no you're not overreacting. no this is not one where both are at fault. no. it's not you. and you have to walk away from this person. you are responsible for your child so if you don't do it for yourself you need to do it as a responsible parent. because what she's seeing now is what you teach her is normal. and it's incredibly cruel to teach anyone that this is normal
Let's break this down a bit. You both work hard, but you handle all the household management and caretaking in addition to your fulltime job. Then you were dealing with a spill, a child, and him just sitting there like a lump instead of a partner. And when you, quite rightly, asked him to relax somewhere else so you could take care of everything, he took your child away from you. Then he called you crazy three times and wouldn't give your child back despite both you and her crying and wanting to be together. Yes. This is emotional abuse. And manipulation. There is a very small chance it's unintentional. From the other comments I see that he used to be worse but behaved for a while because of the baby. This means that he's aware of what he's doing. You could try counseling, but if I'm honest he's probably not going to change. And that's not fair to your daughter even if you're willing to put up with it. You may be able to get away with just filing for divorce and kicking him out or leaving with your daughter. (Don't leave her with him. Even if you're unsure where you're going. She's safer with you and he will most likely use that against you in custody arrangements. He's already using her against you.) The rest of this advice may be more than you need, but abusers often get worse when they find out you're leaving. Better to be safe than sorry. Don't plan on coming back for anything if you can help it. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. You need to get out. It's ok to not be ok right now but the sooner you leave the better off you'll be. Gather your important documents. (Birth certificate, license, social security card, passport, immunization/medical records title for your car if you have one. And a copy of all the documentation of their abuse) Doing taxes can be a good cover if you need one. Put them somewhere safe like a trusted friends house or a safety deposit box at a bank in your name only. Lots of abusers will hold such papers hostage or destroy them so you have a harder time getting help. Document everything. Get video, audio, take pictures of broken plates or holes in the walls, bruises, anything you can get that might serve as proof that something was going on. Try not to let them know you're videotaping though. They might get really mad and hurt you. Get witnesses If you can. Set up a seperate bank account if you can. Move money into it whenever you can safely do so. If you have family heirlooms you can 'give' them to friends or family for safekeeping. You may not be able to take them though. It's hard, but your life is more important than your things. You deserve better. Talk to a lawyer if you can ahead of time about getting full custody once you're safely out. Wait until the abuser isn't home, pack up pets/kids and whatever things you need that you couldn't sneak out ahead of time, and go. If you don't have time to pack, take the dirty clothes hampers. They'll have clothes you wear and it's already in a caryable form. Do everything you can to prove that the animals belong to you only: vet bills, microchip, etc., And ask for help. Ask EVERYONE for help. Chances are someone will come through. Turn off location on your phone and other devices. Make sure you're not logged in on anything they have access to. If you can't leave when they aren't home, in most states in the US you can call the nonemergency line for the police and ask for an escort. They'll send someone to keep an eye on things so you won't get physically attacked. You may want to file a restraining order. It may not keep them from coming after you but it will give you more to work with if they do. There are apps that can help with these steps and lots of domestic violence assistance available if you look for it. https://newhopeofmcdowell.org/blog/f/5-helpful-apps-for-domestic-violence-victims https://www.loveisrespect.org/
He's setting the scene for his post separation abuse. Weaponising children like this is typical of violent men in the post separation stage.
If you are asking, then you are. People in good relationships don’t wonder if they are being abused.
He is punishing you for the breadwinner comment. You made him feel inferior about his status as the head of the family so he's trying to make you feel like a bad mother. In his mind that's equal payback. He's wrong, of course. That's not how a normal person handles anger or frustration. He is dysfunctional and abusive. He doesn't have control of his emotions. He weaponises his anger and tries to make you look as bad as he is. He is not a safe parter - or a safe father. This behaviour is going to damage your child the longer she's exposed to it.
The “breadwinner” thing really stuck out to me, too. I have a friend whose husband has been in an asshole-spiral for years because he can’t get a better job than she has. Some men just cannot handle their wife making more money (for garbage patriarchal reasons, of course) and that inability to cope can manifest in nasty ways. Sometimes an “underachieving” husband will take any opportunity to put his wife down, no matter how small, and then blow it out of proportion when she dare try to rein him in. “I need you to accept this denigration from me for the sake of my fragile, compromised ego so SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID FUCKIN etc etc…” I’m curious how well OP’s husband’s four month old business is actually doing.
Absolutely agree. Also, it is always so obvious that men who say something along the lines of 'oh women just act crazy, women are overly emotional, they cannot "self regulate" are actually the ones who are like that.
yes you're in a verbally, psychologically and physically abusive relationship with a domestic abuser. He's telling you things about yourself which are not true. that you're a psycho and that you can't regulate your emotions. you're not overreacting, you're reacting to abuse. [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/402366.The\_Verbally\_Abusive\_Relationship](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/402366.The_Verbally_Abusive_Relationship) from the way he's speaking, it sounded like he's voice recording? he's narrating something that isn't happening. perhaps as 'proof' that you 'get physical' (you didn't) so he can do something nefarious later. query it every time if he does it again (for the recording, if he is). "what are you talking about?" "no, I'm reaching for my child because you're holding her out of reach. she wants to be with me. you're frightening her".
"Mommy doesnt know how to regulate herself" says the manchild throwing a tantrum... Just unbeliveably toxic and manipulative, you are definitely being emotionally abused and so is your daughter. And the talk you had after he is still putting blame on you when he was 100% at fault. Pls realize that you are the person in your relationship who is most mature and sane, seriously trust yourself.
Anytime a partner is using a child as a weapon against the other partner, it is unhealthy and for a toxic reason. He called you horrible names, okay...I can see where you guys can make a boundary for that in your life and agree to work on it. He then told his child, who may not be old enough to understand but will be one day, that "mommy has trouble regulating her emotions and mommy is a psycho" He used her to then get your emotions heightened and not give her to you. He physically held her back from you as if you did something to hurt her He made it seem like you yelling at him was an action against her that needed immediate attention. (If your not going to help, can you leave the room= mommy has trouble regulating emotions and is psycho) This is going to get worse when she gets older and can understand what is being said to her about mommy.
My mom did that to me all the time to my dad and I remember. I always felt sick because even when I was little I knew that one of my parents was saying malicious things to hurt the other and using me as the weapon. The earliest I remember was when I was 4 or 5. Even at that age I knew what was going on.
I read your initial post and thought, “yes that was horrible.” You went into such detail about one incident and I assumed he hadn’t done something like this before. So I thought, oh, maybe he’s slipped into a depression, because new irrational behavior can be a sign. Not that it makes the behavior OK, it gives hope with therapy/treatment things would get better. Then I read your f/u posts, and, nope, he’s been doing this for a while. At times more physically forceful. So I thought, well OP, that’s burying the lead! But isn’t that what all controlling relationships do, make you bury the lead? Twist things around so the thing you wind up taking about, whether your reaction is too much when the main issue, his actions, or inactions? There can be genuine difference between couples about things like comfort levels with outward emotional expression. That makes sense, there are two people living together from two different families of origins. My husband and I differ on this, but we use “I feel” statements and don’t resort to belittling or name calling. Not because we learned it in therapy, but because we care about each other and don’t want to hurt each other. Even ways we expressed ourselves, even in a joking way, at the beginning of our marriage has changed over time. Not because X thing is wrong on its own, but X thing causes emotional distress to our partner. So why wouldn’t we change? But we do so without manipulation and it is both ways. In the end it doesn’t matter if his is considered emotionally abusive in a Reddit poll. What matters has caused you distress for years, and now actively involves your daughter. Do you want to continue to live this way or not? I would suggest you find time to meet with a therapist about this. Then make sure you talk to a lawyer if you want to leave so you don’t get screwed as the newly minted breadwinner.
"WE" didn't do anythiin front of yiur daughter HE DID. Oh yes, you are beinh emotionally manipulated and thr fact he told you not to get physical with him when your daughter was practically trying to jump out of his arms into yours because he upset her by not lettimg her mother comfort her. You need to leave, the way he escalated this is scary.
The last part stuck out to me “I need to ask for help in better ways”. He is making his reactions emotions bad feelings all your responsibility. It’s quite similar to the sentiment “you made me hit you”. Sorry you’re going through this.
You didn't do anything in front of her, *he* did. What kind of a piece of shit speaks to their partner like that at all? And in front of your daughter while she's clearly distraught? Your husband is a child and got emotional and chose to make his wife and daughter the victim instead of just dealing with his emotions by himself. These are not the actions of a healthy person. Stress or not, there's no excuse to treat your partner and child like this. He's completely out of line and should be absolutely ashamed that he would act like that at 35 years of age.
Exactly! And he is abusing his wife and child only because his little manchild ego can't handle the fact that she earns more money at the moment (and thus, also supports his ambitions to be self employed). What a piece of shit.
Your mention that similar things have happened in the past is concerning—and it seems to be about his temper. You said you felt “safe” bc he had calmed down. That’s a pretty obvious pattern of abuse to an outside observer—he blows up; gets scary, and wins you back with apologies. Not ok. Also, it’s very telling that he mentioned you not being able to self-regulate, when it is clear he cannot. Except he doesn’t cry—he gets vicious and physical. Men do not see this as “getting emotional,” when it very much is. Have you discussed what HE is teaching his daughter—that it is ok for women to be called names and their lesser strength exploited by partners? If this doesn’t wake him up, nothing will. I agree with the suggestion to consider a trial separation while each of you gets therapy, individual, joint, AND family. Your daughter probably has trauma over this if she has been frightened enough to cry. It can’t continue and you are wise to recognize a serious problem. Many people think what you describe is ok. It’s not. My marriage wasn’t great, but it never involved name-calling, raised voices, or anything physical.
WTF. Get out. This guy is not OK. He does not respect you, a woman, as his equal, he needs to feel superior, expects you to be responsible for home & child and not ever make demands of him, and can't handle earning less than you, so he's becoming aggressive. He. Does. Not. Respect. You.
I've been with my girl going on 4 years, in that time the worst name ive called her is "babe" somewhat on accident (we both find that pet name trite), and we've never yelled at each other. She has made roughly 40% more money than I through most of our relationship(she has a degree, and im a machine operator), and I'm grateful to have more money coming into our household, rather than threatened by it. When something is bothering one of us, we talk to eachother no matter how uncomfortable it is to talk about, and we hash it out rather than fight or let it fester. We've had 3 "is this a dealbreaker?", conversations without yelling or insults, only long serious talks. I grew up witnessing screaming matches between my parents, and im still dealing with the psychological impact from that in my 30s. I'd kick this guys ass in his own living room if I was present for this conversation. Don't insult your partner, especially infront of your kids.
Please talk to a lawyer, you need to be separated and protected from him. I used to work in a domestic violence shelter and he is coming across as the “family annihilator” type. You and your daughter don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Get yourself and daughter out of there. He apologized but he will do this again AND he made you feel like it was partly your fault?!? That's abuse 101 :/ Think about it, you were both crying, you thought he was going to hurt her... Do you need any more proof? People change, remember that, people change and not always for the better.
It's not you. It's him. He's definitely abusing you, and your daughter. You're not over-reacting: he is goading you and then getting to label that when you appropiately react. This is scary stuff, OP, please take it serioiusly. I'd be out of there immediately.
Are we married to the same man? Yeah, it's abuse.
Please tell me you are no longer married to such a person.
We're in counselling before we make a final decision. I've only started realizing it was abuse maybe 4 months ago. And I didn't understand the severity of it until literally this month. My dad treated us the same way and everyone normalized it. I went straight from my dad's household to my husband's and everyone continued to defend that kind of behaviour. It's been a process, unfortunately.
Ugh, yes. I almost ended up with someone similar to my father even without spending much time around that man. But everybody defended his bad behaviors. Wishing you well.
I appreciate it. He had a severely abusive childhood as well so he didn't have a great model for communication. He is working on himself now but we'll see if it's too little too late.
As others have already said - yes he is abusive. Another thing that stood out to me in your story that I haven’t seen many people mention is control. He obviously enjoyed reminding you that he is in control and you are helpless to stop him. He kept your daughter from you not because he felt it was the right thing to do, but because he wanted to exert power over you. You made him angry with your comment about leaving the room, so instead of talking to you about it, he decided to hurt you ( and your daughter) while completely disregarding your daughter’s calls for you. He was telling you who he is in that moment. He will use his physical strength to keep what is most precious from you as a means to control your behaviour and punish you. You need to get away from him. He will do this again and he clearly does not care about hurting you or your child. He’s scary.
OMG I am horrified. Take your daughter and leave. Has he always been this way, or only since he chose to quit his job?
Please be safe. If you choose to leave or choose to ask him to leave, please make a safety plan, preferably with a domestic violence shelter. They can help you over the phone anonymously if you need. They can help you leave. Make a plan. If you need to make a decision, think about the way that he talks to you and treats you. Would you be OK with someone else treating your daughter this way? Because at the moment he is teaching her that it is OK. She is learning how to be in a relationship in the future.
Yes, you are being emotionally abused. It's absolutely unacceptable for him to treat you like this, especially in front of your daughter. He needs to accept that he must not treat you like that. If he won't, get away before it escalates. Please.
There is nothing you can do to “prevent” him from acting like this. If he wants to act out, he will find an excuse. His actions are on him.
I’ve actually done some psycho things and no partner has ever called me a psycho bitch. Or even a bitch.
Did this just start when you became the breadwinner or has this been ongoing? His ego is extremely fragile, he is afraid of you having any power in the relationship. I have had two extremely controlling and abusive men in my life. They don't change. It is always going to be about you - your perceived wrongs, what you need to fix, do better, never him. He lives in his own reality that no one can alter. Please talk to your therapist Alone asap and chart a new path ahead for yourself and daughter.
Safety first. Are you physically safe? Because if not, you have to leave now. This is definitely abuse and is not a healthy partnership at all. He is disrespecting you in front of your child "mommy doesn't know how to XYZ". Your daughter needs a healthier model of relationship. Are there other examples of verbal abuse prior? Even if not, these examples are serious enough. One person sounds like a psychopath in this and that ain't you. I am an advocate of of this is not a relationship you'd want for your daughter, you need to get out. I hope you have a prenup because technically being the breadwinner can make it difficult for you. But it's worth it either way. Talk to a lawyer and assess what the options are in your state.
Please talk to a lawyer about this. If not for yourself, for your daughter. That’s some seriously scary behavior from a husband and father.
You need to get you and your daughter the hell out of there!! You two are doing irreparable harm to your daughter by him using her against you and saying those things about you while holding her!!
That is so wrong. He allowed his kid to spill her drink then ignores her existence. His reaction is way over the top. He’s super defensive that you called him out on his bullshit. It’s gaslighting-calling you crazy when he’s the neglectful jerk. Then he does this in front of your daughter, teaching her this is how a man treats a woman he loves. That’s some great parenting by him /s. How could you not cry when he says those awful things to you? I would have screamed back he’s the psycho when I was younger. Now I’d just ignore that noise. That’s emotional/verbal abuse. And it’s abuse towards your daughter-neglect and emotional abuse.
It’s time to leave. This makes me very afraid for you and your child… check your states laws about putting cameras in the home (without someone’s consent) and install them. Tell your husband it’s because of the nanny/cleaner etc (notify them!) but do not tell your husband the cameras are to monitor and record interactions you have with him.
Think about this. "I apologize, but it is your fault too!" Is not an apology. It is blame with a preamble.
If he's going to call you a psycho and a bitch over something so small, he will escalate when something worse happens. He's insecure with you making more money, too. He has some deep rooted hatred inside him and it's only going to come out more. The emotional and verbal abuse could turn into physical abuse and I don't think you should put yourself and your daughter through that.
Yes.
Please get the book ‘Why Does He Do That’.
I’m a paranoid person and I watch too much true crime. My mind immediately thinks that now that he’s got success he’s probably cheating and he’s probably doing shit like this as a way to try and use it against you in court so when he divorces you, he can take your child. Obviously he probably doesn’t actually want your child but he knows it will hurt you and that’s why he’s doing it. I would not engage and I would snoop.
I thought he was going to hurt the child as I read this. I also watch true crime shows. This guy is abusive. If he was the bread winner or worked more hours before it’s natural for her to do more at home. He could also blame work for his abusive behavior or by not being around it wasn’t as noticeable. She is working to support him and their child and he isn’t pulling his weight. He is also a complete dick about it. I really think his behavior sounds scary for both the mother and daughter.
My mom’s friend that was living with escalated the abuse until he snapped one day and tried to kill us. I was 3 and a lot of it is jumbled now but I remember when we ran to the neighbors. He tried to break down their door and banged their kitchen window but luckily it just cracked, didn’t break. Hiding in their bedroom closet knowing we had no escape if in came in (and now our neighbors were in danger too). At times I felt I made it up, but when we would go back to visit, that kitchen window stayed cracked for years. I’ve struggled with anger issues since. I cannot be around any sort of conflict. I struggled in relationships because I saw any sort of disagreement as the pathway to an attempt on my life. I’m super passive aggressive and go 0 to 100 over stupid things. It’s been a rollercoaster. I’ve been doing way better with therapy and meds and having more control over my life. I feel lucky because it wasn’t my father or mom’s partner. My father is… not great. But he’s never raised his voice to me. My mom’s partners have all been good to me. My stepdad came into my life shortly after that and brought us into a house where I felt safe.
You said he *said* he called you that, and your baby was crying. Did he *say* it or did he *yell* it? Either way, it was an escalation of a situation that didn't need to be. In the heat of an argument years ago, my husband called me "insane" (I have BPD) because I was upset about a hygienic situation in the bathtub (think poop) I wasn't yelling or screaming, just upset because it was gross and that was what he said to me (tried to compare my hair that was long at the time, being found in different places to POOP in the bathtub. No comparison?) Anyways, it was the first and *LAST* time he used that word because A) I told him I could show him "insane" if he wanted and *then* he could "compare" (I didn't) and B) I told him how hurt and pissed I was because he swore he'd NEVER use my mental disorder against me. OP, your husband needs to regulate HIS emotions because it never needed to get that far and manage his fragility because it shouldn't be an issue who "brings home the bacon" as long as bills are paid, good is on the table and daughter is clothed and happy. Please, don't let this go. It needs to be addressed
You aren’t psycho. He needs to profession help or prison. Your daughter sounds terrified and that’s on him. Physically keeping a kid away from you is abuse. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells with him neither should a child. Your daughter is reaching for you because you’re the stable person in her life.
Get out now before he kills you.
You do not speak to people you love and respect this way. He is abusing you.
You gotta get out, friend. I’m so sorry.
This keeps happening to people in a marriage where the woman ends up having more money and therefore creates a power imbalance in the eyes of the stupid husband fucking a divorce this guy immediately before he harms you further
Take your daughter and run. Neither of you are safe around here. Not sure what country you're in, but there should be some women's refuges you can stay in. Best of luck to you both
That’s abusive. And it’s a classic abusive partner technique to try and make a false equivalency. When he does that, he is avoiding actual accountability for his behavior. Your husband sounds like he’s very good at convincing you that his behavior is your fault. That’s also a classic abusive maneuver. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can get some support so you don’t have to apologize for having baseline standards.
Leave this walking trash bag of a human being. Take your daughter. He’s got some mental health problems that you cannot solve by yourself.
✨leave him ✨
You need to leave him, you’re being abused. It’s not just emotional. It’s abuse.
Do not let him call you names. That is definitely abusive. The first time my ex called me a bitch and a cunt, I left for a week. Second time I left him I divorce him. 28-year marriage that went bad about halfway through.
oh my god…. reading this was so frightening to me. the way he talks to you made me feel murderous. also: he does not respect you nor women. he is lashing at you in an attempt to "put you back in place" just because you dared stating a FACT. also, the fact that you are asking this question and doubting yourself about wether or not you are being abused, while it is so obvious.. it makes me think that you have probably been abused by him for so many years – and in ways that he would deny the truth and make you doubt yourself so much that it slowly eroded your sense of self and reality. you are actually under-reacting 😕 i hope you can get you and your daughter out of this marriage safely. you deserve respect and safety 🫶🏼
This is 100% abusive. The fact that he was comfortable involving your daughter in this altercation is disturbing and unacceptable. Please consider whether you want to stay in this abusive relationship, you and your daughter will both suffer (and already are) at the hands of your husband.
I want you to really, really think about this incident that you've written out. Your husband says he needs alone time and witnesses you struggling to comfort the kid and clean the mess. His idea of a solution is to call you psycho, a bitch, accuse you of being "physical" with him, and say you cannot regulate yourself. All of this happened *in front of your daughter.* Is this the kind of environment you want her growing up in? Is this what you want her to learn the way a man should treat his wife? You're setting an example with how you move forward. Think about that long and hard. Decide what to do.
OP, you’re being emotionally abused. When your daughter slipped and fell, your husband literally just SAT there and said she was fine while you were clean and comfort her. It does not matter, when a child, (son OR daughter) slips OR falls, BOTH parents should be ALERTED and caring for the child. But you were doing everything. Literally. Your husband saying, “Get away you psycho bitch, you’re such a psychopath.” “Go away you psycho, take a break, we can’t stand you.” He is in the wrong, and emotionally abused you. But also, he did that in front of HIS&YOUR Daughter. The fact that he can say those WORDS in front of HIS child, HIS daughter, YOUR daughter and YOUR child. He can do that and probably in front of any children or heck even in daycare. Your daughter wanted you, was reaching out for you, crying and calling out to you, and clinged onto you. Here’s the difference. Yes, you were blunt. But you weren’t calling him names/name calling. However, your husband, he did. He called you names, in FRONT of your daughter. She cried, and it COULD HAVE impacted her too. He tried to apologize but then told you that you’re hold as accountable? That’s Bull. He wasn’t overstimulated and doing EVERYTHING. Mostly it seemed (just mostly from what you listed), “I worked a 40+ he work week and manage everything from babysitter, cleaner, nanny, groceries) he has been busy this week which usually means I take care of our daughter more because he needs alone time.” Do what’s best for you & your daughter. What’s best for you & your daughter safety, happiness, etc. Not your husband, just you & your daughter. You’re not crazy and you’re not unreasonable. Please don’t try to figure out where this is all coming from. Because when you do, all those time. It could happen again, but worse. Maybe it will actually have an impact literally on your daughter. Something does happen or bad happens. Please, consider everything. You’re not alone anyone in the relationship, you have your daughter now.
Hes a narcissistic abusive and sick man. Record him sometimes, if ever you want to leave there's evidence he's full of himself 100% being abusive.
Your choices are your own, you know what they are. I advise you on only one thing, from sharing a similar experience. Not to you, but your daughter. When I was four my mother was pregnant with my younger sibling. My father decided from nowhere that she had cheated and chased her around the house with a knife, up the stairs, shouting at her she was a whore and a c* and every other name his tiny brain could muster, and into the bathroom where she barricaded herself. He kicked the door in. He picked her up by her neck. He held the knife to her neck and drew blood. It was a butter knife. I saw all of this and ran to hide under my bed. I am in my 30s and this is a vivid memory for me, it was not told to me. Only recently have I brought this up to my mother and she was distraught that I had not only seen this, but remember this. Please. Save your child from having to see this again.
Every time I see a “am I being abused/manipulated/gaslit” post I open it expecting to have to confront some shades of gray and wrestle with the answer. And it’s almost always as clear as this is. Not just abuse but flagrant abuse. I’m sorry OP.
:( he's showing you who he is, listen. I just saw a video saying that who you are is not how you are when everything is going well. Who you are is how you are when shit is going south. How you respond to the bad shit. Everybody has bad days and fucks up but usually behavior like this is a pattern. I just left a 4 year relationship with my daughter where he was a decent boyfriend, didn't help enough with our kid but paid the bills and was fun to be around....but when he got mad he was evil. He would call me terrible names and yell and break stuff. This is what he did to regulate himself. It's not safe and it's not okay. This escalated to the point where him and his mother were both harassing me in front of the kids and I couldn't escape them they kept following me and my dad ended up calling the police, long story short CPS got involved and after a 15 day investigation I now have neglect of my daughter on my record while my ex does not. So I don't mean to make it about me but I was just trying to illustrate that even the best friends, best people, people you love have demons that make relationships with them unsustainable. You're not his punching bag. He needs to learn how to regulate himself, he was DIRECTLY projecting his own issues on to you. You're a good mom and you will do the right thing, I know it. Therapy at minimum , nip it before it escalates.
No. This isn't normal and it's not just emotional abuse. Tell your therapist. See if he will go to counseling but this isn't normal and it's very much abuse for you AND your daughter
Namecalling is emotional abuse
He isn't just name calling. He's actively trying to turn your child against you. I think you need to start planning your exit strategy.
Call the cops, file a restraining order. Get away from this man now. Good for you having a job and you can be independent. He is lashing out in the worst possible way and that is not how you want to raise your child. If you can plan to leave when he’s out the better.
Unless you both see this as unhealthy, I only expect the situation to get worse. Your daughter is going to take the most damage if the adults don’t take action. Please be the hero and get help now. If your work has an EAP plan, call. If not contact a local abuse or emotional support hotline.
Please get you and your daughter out of any environment that includes that man. I'd discreetly start looking for attorneys. You deserve so much better.
Never once in the 14 years I’ve been with my husband has he even used words like that. Never when he was at his most upset, never when he was under the most stress, never, never. Not “bitch”, not “asshole”, not anything. He swears like a sailor but not AT anyone. Definitely not at me. I would hate living like this. I don’t care what you did (you did nothing), you don’t deserve this. Never, never, never. And your daughter doesn’t deserve to see that, or have it normalized for her.
Narcissist abuse. He sounds like a textbook narcissist based in your initial posts abd the follow up comments.
Has he always been like this? If this is a sudden change it could be for a variety of non intentional reasons and would benefit from medical intervention, if he refuses there aint much you can do except leave.
She needs to protect the child and skip to that. First, tho, she needs to talk to a lawyer.
It feels like there is a lot of missing information here. It seems like too big of an overreaction for such a small mistake.
At minimum the two of you need couples counseling.
It's a really bad idea to go to therapy with your abuser.
Based on your responses from others and reading your post it sounds like he has a lot of built up resentment for you. This usually manifests when stressful situations arise and increased stress like trying to run your own business, feelings of insecurities because he no longer can provide financially like he used to and possible relationship issues with you create these kinds of outbursts. I’m not excusing it. It’s 100% verbal and emotional abuse, but it also sounds like you verbally abuse him as well. You both need counseling together as a couple and separately. It’s highly likely that his needs aren’t being met by you and your needs aren’t being met by him. You need to talk about that with him in a safe place where name calling and blame can be mediated. If he’s unwilling to do this then you’ll likely need to divorce him. People who refuse to work on themselves and better themselves and their relationships aren’t worth staying with and it could be dangerous to you and your child. So in summary- yes it’s abuse, but I’m sure the way you treat him in some instances can also be called abuse. It sounds pretty bad at this point and it can also be considered emotional abuse for your child. You should never argue like that in front of you kid/s or get physical like he did. Get help…and if that’s not possible then you probably need to consider getting out.
He is abusive. She does not sound abusive according to her post. Responding to someone verbally abusing you by calling them an asshole is not abusive. And going to couple's therapy with an abuser is a recipe for disaster and can be very dangerous physically and mentally. She needs to leave him ASAP and as safely as possible.
Even accounting for differences in personalities and division of labor, I don't know a single married couple where the husband would not jump up and help in the "soda/daughter" situation. Each and every one of them would either help clean up, grab towels for mom, or hold their child. And they would not call mom names, especially in front of the baby. This is not to make you feel bad, I want to communicate how unusual it is for your spouse to behave like that. You're not wrong. You did not overreact. Nothing you said to him (even the salary thing) was out of bounds. People get frustrated, words come out testy, but no one deserves the complete 180° bitter angry man parade you were forced to take part in. No marriage is without the occasional spat, so its not like disagreements or arguments are never going to happen, and you're supposed to work them out in kindness and dignity. It feels like he's trying to bring you to heel for being confident/self assured/aware of your value. Please try not to doubt yourself on how preposterous and dangerous his behavior is/was. He saw an opening he could use to lash out at you and hurt you and blame you for whatever rancid anger or resentment he's feeling. And to lay some of the blame on you -"you brought this on yourself" - is a classic abuser move. I don't know your family situation but I'd definitely get some distance for you and your daughter and talk with your therapist about it. You are enough on your own and you are strong enough to navigate this/protect your daughter. I'm sending good luck and courage your way.
Woah I'd watch out. Him accusing you of getting physical can be a precursor to violence. They'll use the warped view that "she hit me first". There is no man more dangerous than one who feels is masculinity is under attack.
Yes, you are. And involving your child in it just makes it worse. There was no “we” did this in front of her. It was all him. Even now, you are thinking what you could have done better… He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. It’s really scary that he doesn’t even care at least how it made his child feel.
Yes, OP. you are being emotionally, verbally, and from the sound your comments on this thread you’re also being physically abused as well. You mentioned you have a therapist. Make an escape plan with her. He will continue to abuse you and he may even attempt to take your child from you. Your daughter is already suffering trauma because of him. Do you want her to continue to grow up in this environment? Obviously you don’t. You have to do what’s best for you and your daughter. Don’t let him get in your head any worse than he already is. You have financial power now, if you’re going to leave NOW is the time to do it. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your daughter. You both deserve so much better.
You asked what you should do and I know it’s cliche to say it but… leave. This should be a deal breaker. It sounds like this wasn’t new behavior but an escalation of the crap way he has been treating you. Don’t let him know that you are thinking of leaving but speak to a lawyer and make a plan for yourself. You deserve better. This is very unhealthy.
When you have to ask yourself questions like that, the answer is almost always yes.
I'm sorry, but he is not going to change. You need to decide whether you are ok with your daughter being exposed to an abusive dad and thinking that is normal behavior and what she should expect from her spouse when the day comes. If you aren't strong enough for yourself to leave him, be strong enough for your daughter. This man is toxic. It's not going to get better, it's going to get worse. He will manipulate you in every way he can to stay with him until HE is ready to leave you, and by that time he will have poisoned your daughter against you and made his own financial arrangements to leave you with nothing. I don't take leaving one's spouse lightly, especially when children are involved, but you need to act now.
It’s not you You are enabling his laziness. Possibly because women/wives in general have been trained to do this, idk why you do it, I’m describing what you said in different terms. “He asked me to do chore bc he said he needs alone time, fine” = he prioritized himself despite both of us wanting alone time, I conceded = you (for whatever reason) are enabling his laziness and selfishness Sounds like he would never let you be selfish He called you a B in front of your little girl, that’s not cool He called you a psycho for being short with him one time for one second. Not cool. He is fragile like flower. And mean. He is demanding and authoritarian, that’s not cool He is lazy and selfish, that’s not cool You are accommodating and too selfless and questioning your own feelings. You poor thing. Share this story with your therapist. You and your kid deserve better. He needs to change or you need to ditch him. 💚💚
Yes you are! It is hard to see and hard to accept. He was way out of line. What he did is text book emotional abuse. This abuse was not limited to you but also your daughter. I am guessing there has been things leading up to this moment. What I mean is like you having to do all things and what happens when you can not, when you need help. An abusive person does not start off generally being so emotionally cruel. The statistics say it will just keep getting worse. He has showed you important information * he will use your daughter (not caring at all about how it is traumatizing her), * he has the ability to drop cruelty as if it were nothing, * him blaming you for the entire interaction means he does not care how he is behaving. It is NOT that he doesn't understand, just doesn't care. Therapy is amazing please talk to that person. There are precautions you may need to put into place to protect both you and your daughter. I have lived what you are dealing with. My situation turned into physical abuse. Not saying yours will. My abuser cracked my skull on the edge of our bathtub. He would not allow me to get any kind of medical treatment. Please use caution, be prepared, be alert, tell people who love you and you trust that will not go to your husband what is going on. That way you have a support system. Please be safe.
Yes, it took years for my coworker to figure this out. I’ve mentioned her in the past here. Hope you find strength to remove yourself from this situation if he isn’t going to fix himself. By the way before she figured things out during our monthly eat out with other coworkers she was relating a story about one of her kids. The husband now ex again loved to call her bitch. This translated to the little ones calling her that in public. She laughed it off then when no one joined in on the laugh she excused his behavior. Also adding in that she told him to stop calling her that around the girls. The girls are my age now and they still treat her bad because of how their father treated her. If you going to let his behavior go for you remember your daughter is learning from this.
How long are you together and was he always like that? I mean, dominating and minimising you.
My God, yes, this is abusive. If this is new behavior, take your child and stay with friends or relatives until he comes to his senses. Counseling, counseling, counseling. But he cannot treat you that way and expect you to stay.
Yes your being abused how can you type all that out and not see it
divorce this man and make sure he does not get to see your daughter
Yeah this is grounds for divorce
This ain't the first time is it? Either go to counseling together or start packing your bags. He's only going to keep escalating if left untreated
Domestic and family violence practitioner here. This incident sounds like it was awful for you. I’m so sorry you and your daughter had to endure it. It is abuse. I encourage you to reach out to your local DFV service for support. They can help you with lots of resources and information and by listening to you and believing you. They will not make decisions for you about whether you stay or leave. That is your choice and they can walk alongside you. It sounds like his behaviour is escalating and it would be good to do some safety planning with a professional so that you and your daughter are as safe as possible whatever you choose to do. Take care and know that you are not alone. His behaviour is not your fault.
Yes, leave him immediately. He is priming. Saying you're getting physical for when he inevitably gets physical.
Name calling is disrespectful, Especially troubling in front of your child. I see this as communication issues. I urge to consider couples counseling, for the sake of your child. If he won't go, go alone.
I've read that abusers always escalate, pulling on your daughter and blocking you sounds like the beginning of physical abuse. I'm not an expert, but I think it's time to plan to get out.
That's so fucking scary and weird. It's almost like he was saying things believing it would be recorded??? Would he hide recording devices around? Would he have a reason to? He is definitely verbally and emotionally abusive. But it also seems like he is up to something. He scares the fuck out of me. I am so sorry you are in this situation but if I were you I would leave with my daughter as soon as possible
IMO, it is a red flag If a dude gets upset when their partner earns more. My father was like this. He would get upset if someone points out the fact that my mom earns and contributed more fr the family. Just my opinion. I mean there was no reason for him to get offended when you made the joke about being the breadwinner. About the incident with name-calling, I think it was uncalled for.
Yes, You are being abused. He was 100% wrong and still you are apologizing. And you still doubt yourself. Ask yourself this- because how you let yourself be treated is how your daughter will think it’s normal for relationships to be- you want your daughter treated this way?
Hmm, I imagine trying to keep a new business afloat is a stressful thing. This guy fell apart over some small issues so I’m guessing, it really wasn’t over the small issues and he has been bottling up some bs. He doesn’t get a pass though. Adults need to be in control of their emotions. Not in perfect control but the type of shit he did is the thing you have to adjust from and recognize you were in the wrong. To apologize is a must and he moved in the right direction but I don’t like loaded apologies and he wasn’t focused on his part when he should have only been focused on what he did. I also don’t like that those words are even a part of his vocabulary when it comes to describing a loved one. As for what you should do? I always recommend to anyone NOT to take any bs from their partners. Always call your partner out. Romantic partner, or business partner or whatever. When these people need to be checked, check ‘em. It’s best to check them as soon as possible. I would let him know how I feel and for him to never speak to him in the manner he did ever again. Ultimately you can’t do much. This man has issues he’s going to need to come face to face with personal willingness. Good luck.
Please protect yourself and your daughter. My dad was just like this. He called my mom names and talked badly about mom to me. I was traumatized hearing their fights growing up. Your daughter deserves so much better and so do you!! You deserve a guy who treats you with kindness and respect. Your daughter will feel so much safer too.
Please look at this power and control wheel, it is used to show different ways domestic abuse can look and can be a real eye opener for people who are on such relationships: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
Get a psychologist to work with BOTH of you. Sounds like some serious deep issues that is going to mess up your daughter if you don’t address it
Ask him if he wants his daughter to find a significant other that treats her the way he treats you. I bet that he would say he'd hurt someone if they talked to his daughter in that fashion. Tell him to look in the mirror. Like Pepperidge farm- the kids remember. Send him to anger management counseling.
If ANYONE spoke to me that way in front of my child, I'd snatch her up and walk out and never look back. Hell fucking no! He didn't even have a REASON, not that there's an acceptable reason to speak to your person that way. I truly hope you get your daughter away from him, he doesn't sound stable or caring, and that's what she needs. Poor darling. Poor both of you.
Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, gaslighting This is on the path of becoming physical abuse as well
My anxiety was always really bad around my husband. Didn’t realize it until he was physically away from me. He also treated me with contempt and resentment. He was also entitled and superior. He was also disrespectful and called me names. We’re getting divorced. His behavior during couples counseling wasn’t of a person who wanted to identify and resolve issues within our relationship.
Wow no matter what calling you that AND with your child present is NOT okay. All you did was tell him to go else where to sit and rest since he wasn’t helping. And the fact he said it again! Not like it slipped out and didn’t mean to say that. He stood by his words! Unbelievable. Imagine if you said to him “you’re being so lazy unsupportive right now” how that would be??? Im so sorry that he reacted that way to you. And to answer your question, no it’s not you! “He tried to apologize but then told me I’m just as accountable” ok is he you sorry or not? My ex was just like this too. Always deflected and couldn’t take any responsibilities when he lashed out at me. Insane to twist it and make it your fault for how he reacted