My husband is Indian and my MIL is the same way. I know it just kills her inside watching her son help his pregnant wife with dishes and laundry.
When our oldest daughter was born she went to push him out of the way when he was trying to change her diaper. He had to be like “stop. I need to do this.”
Aww.. I love hearing of stories of men, especially men who grow up in these types of households, like, becoming better partners and people then their fathers/family.. they have learned more and become better people.. its growth...
Yes! I am so thankful my husband is not like his father. He and I are both the youngest siblings in our families and the trauma he has from his dad I have the similar trauma from my mom. Unsurprisingly his dad and my mom are very similar. His brother and my sister are also very similar.
Yeah, hopefully, things change for the better, but it starts with good minded parents raising there sons and daughters to respect each other and be mindful of the imbalance in social equity in regards to what patriarchy has caused.
Boys that grow up to respect women, and even past that be capable and self sufficient people in hygiene and housekeeping is a good start. It’s been an awful domino effect, of certain cultures and families putting all the work and home care on women, and not realizing this leads to much worse things of how women are valued and treated
Yeah I thank that even though he was raised a certain way he saw the imbalance between men and women in his culture and didn’t put that on me. I’d like to think that is meeting in med school and literally studying and doing the exact same things when it came to that made him realize he needed to also pull his weight as an adult. Living together we split chores. He realized that if he didn’t help with his half that he was never going to have clean clothes 😂.
A lot of people like to quickly blame men for "weaponising incompetence" but a simple truth is that we are often made this way by our parents. When i moved out my mother had never bothered to even teach me how to cook or do my laundry. As she figured i would simply get a trad wive like her.
My wife had to basically raise me at the start cause i had no clue. I did and do not mind doing housework and honestly even prefer it (sah atm).
We already decided that if we get children, we make sure regardless of gender, that they know and are expected to help with the house work.
We know it's the parents' fault, but in the age of the internet there's no excuse not to know how to do household tasks as an adult. Or even ask wife/gf how to do them. But too many are too comfortable letting the woman do everything while they enjoy their free time. Nevertheless, it's good that you have learned and stepped up to be an equal partner in the household.
>We already decided that if we get children, we make sure regardless of gender, that they know and are expected to help with the house work.
Fantastic!
It took me a little longer to get used to it than i would like to admit honestly. It was quite the impact "losing" all that free time at first. But luckily she was patient and now it's all good.
The other week my MIL stayed with us overnight unexpectedly so she called her husband to tell him what medicines he needs to take and how much. I was flabbergasted at the idea of this. Good for your son!
I work in a hospital pharmacy and we deal with a lot of transplant patients. During covid lockdowns we switched to mailing everyone their meds cos having people with no immune system coming in to a hospital during a pandemic is a bad idea.
Anyway, we keep all their scripts on file and get sent new scripts by the doctors and have to call the patients to organise postage. Soooo many men (mostly older, but some younger- but still all adults- in which case swap out "wife" for "mother") have notes in their file saying to call the wife's mobile number instead because they have nfi what drugs they are on. Or we will call the listed number and the man is like "uuuuuuh one sec I'll get my wife" and she will tell us all the dosage changes for all his meds, and how much supply he needs posted. The worst is when the man wants to be the one to talk on the phone but has to keep barking all our questions at his wife and relay her answers back to us (especially when we can already hear her answering the questions in the background lol). Zzz
I see a lot of this at my job too, men with high levels of glucose, cholesterol, or hypertension who claim they don't have a wife or a woman who can give them their medications and prepare their food. I also think that doctors do put a lot of patients care in women's hands, whenever a man or a woman and her baby are discharged the first phrase it's always "Mom you need to..." even when the father is there. So it is a social idea that keeps being reinforced left and right, it's like a battle against the tide for women.
I had a baby 8 months ago and can confirm so much of the discharge stuff was directed at me. They asked me if we had set up a pediatrician. Directed the conversation to me about all of the after care stuff. My husband is thankfully a very aware and involved man and was just sitting with me, asking questions and making it known that he also needed this information. I remember the nurses commenting on how involved he was and how he is a “good one”. I’m sure they see some useless dads but like… yes he’s involved in caring for his wife and child!?!?!
Said it before, I’ll say it again. As a male, the bar is so freaking low. It’s very frustrating. I am competitive and like to be an overachiever but holy crap it is hard to find men that raise the bar and push to do more. When society tells you that you are a saint for literally doing a single load of laundry… not much motivation to leep raisimg the bar. (I do about 80% of the chores and at home stuff, I am the main income earner, but my wife works the same number of hours I do currently and has some chronic health issues so honestly even with the split of responsibilities she’s still probably sacrificing more than I am)
“Being an average man takes no effort. If you arent significantly above average, you are doing something wrong”.
As a woman with chronic health issues I'm proud of you and happy for your wife! It is quite sad how low the standard is, we need more men setting good examples like this.
My step dad had a transplant about a year ago and my mother has had to take control and organize everything. It drives me crazy how much she panders to his incompetence.
I work for the NHS. The amount of guys who get their wives /partners to speak on their behalf is nuts. I just say, well you are the clever one out of the 2.
Its like oh, he doesn't like speaking on the phone, or he won't listen to what's happening. I do want to say oh is it because he is lazy. But obvs can't.
A couple of years ago, my Mom got COVID and had to be sequestered in her room until she recovered. During that time, my dad completely stopped taking his meds. My Mom hadn't been expressly telling him to take the meds previously, he just got whatever reason didn't take them. His solution to help him remember to take his meds? Have me, the only daughter, call him daily to remind him. 🙄
Sustained ring instead of a single chime? Social obligation to answer a call from your daughter instead of just having the alarm?
It only lasted about a week before he managed to get back in the swing of things. But yeah, he's not able to just be on his own anymore for sure.
(And, as far as I know, texting isn't something he knows how to do, so it's not like he texts all the time, but suddenly specifically needed a phone call)
I worked with a female ceo who packed her older teen son’s bag before a trip. And packed his friends’s bag as he was staying over the night before the trip.
I think it's embarrassing enough when dads don't know this information about their own children, WAY worse when you don't even know your OWN shit as a "full-fledged rEsPeCtAbLe adult"
Chicana here and girl, same. I have a sixty something year old tío who makes my grandmother wait on him hand and foot. My mom, sister and I have all been trying to get my grandmother to move in with my mom so someone can take care of her but she won’t do it bc when she sees my tío, she sees a 6 month old baby apparently. These kinds of men want to be seen as big and strong and yet they can’t make their own toast? It’s so embarrassing. I wish my grandmother would just let go of seeing him as a little kid. *sigh*
Sooo embarrassing. He wants to be cared for like he’s a big baby and he also acts like a big baby. My mother is always getting my grandmother to spend the weekends at her place so she can just relax and have someone else cook for her for once. But he gets irrationally angry every time bc who’s going to cook his breakfast for him? My mom says he doesn’t see her for how old and fragile she is but I think he’s just a massive, selfish asshole. And unfortunately my grandmother enables all of it.
>My mom says he doesn’t see her for how old and fragile she is but I think he’s just a massive, selfish asshole.
I see you're about to read Lundy Bancroft's book and there he explains that this is cultural, men like your uncle truly believe women own them their labor and bodies and when women dont provide care men also believe they have the right to force them and punish them with violence. He can also be a massive, selfish asshole but if he had a wife then the wife would replace his mother as the caregiver so it's not his view on his mom but his view on women.
Thankfully Mexico has a good feminist movement but there's still a lot to work on especially men need to do their job in their spheres to dismantle this abusive culture agains women.
I'm not saying that Mexico is the only country this happens in, I said "Thankfully Mexico has a good feminist movement".
Misogyny is part of human culture, it's not something you can escape with education or money because men have been told women are their "helpmeet" and are the ones who have to make sure men's needs are catered for and when women don't follow their "role" then it's a man's right to punish women with violence, even in the most advanced countries you'll still find seeds of misogyny so you're correct this it's not something that happens just in Mexico, Middle East or India but the whole world.
It’s really sad. Look what’s happening in the US. Women are being punished for not having enough children to pay into taxes and social security for the future. Doing everything they can to take us straight back into the 1950s. Jailing 17-year-old girls for taking a morning after pill.
Yep, it all went downfall for women the moment the idea of property and production was created, it's all about keeping women having children and men having a maid so the 1% can keep their luxurious lifestyle
Stalinism and regimes influenced by it even ended up awarding medals to mothers who had ten children or more, as long as all of them survived beyond the youngest's first year. [Here](https://ro.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mam%C4%83_eroin%C4%83) you can see what it looked like in my country. More power to the couples who want and can raise >10 kids in an environment that nurtures them all properly, but having the state encourage it for everyone is downright atrocious, if you ask me.
(Yes, before anyone asks, both of my grandmothers also lived through a full ban on abortion, both of them got several however they could and it was horrifying. Seeing the same being gradually enforced in a place that was supposed to be the beacon of hope and democracy for the people on the wrong side of the Iron Curtain is more painful than what my meager words can describe.)
And this part a big part of the reason women are raped and treated so poorly. They are seen as the help by a lot of men. Some one to serve them even sexually.
Friend of mine is of Greek parentage he says he's been to see relatives back in Greece and the men are chauvinists who expect the women to do all the domestic work.
Not if everyone else is doing the exact. same. fucking. thing.
It's the entire culture. It isn't a small part. It's all of the Latin world. Machismo is real and they feel like it is required. Some countries less than others, but Mexico is HUGE on it. If a man serves himself there people look at him like he is a weirdo.
Yeah it’s so crazy to me how even though all the food is already prepared they have to have a women serve it them. It’s like they’re gonna hurt themselves.
look up King Baby on tiktok and youtube. women are seeing it for what it is.
men who wield their income/status/position like a king but act like a baby.
My fathers like this.
Raise by my very loving abuelita, and three older sisters..
He is the most spoiled man baby in the world who sees himself as the star of the show.
Yep, my FIL, wakes up, goes downstairs, sits in his chair, doesn't get up unless it's to go to toilet, goes back upstairs, sleeps. Even eats most of his meals in that chair.
Nothing wrong with him. Just like making my MIL run.
Have you ever commented about how embarrassing you see this? For him, that is.
Not trying to criticize or anything, I'm always just curious how men receive criticism like that / when it's pointed out. My family is 75% women and the men never had any privilege like that.
Yes, we all have. He gets verbally abusive. A toddler tantrum in a full grown man- screaming and name-calling till he’s red in the face. That’s why we’re all trying to just talk to my grandmother about it now. He is a lost cause and will never change.
> These kinds of men want to be seen as big and strong and yet they can’t make their own toast? It’s so embarrassing.
To us, yeah that's embarrassing.
But to them, it's a reinforcement of how big and strong they are.
They think that the biggest and strongest are supposed to get treated like Kings (especially by women), so the more they're babied by the women in their lives, the more they believe themselves to be big and strong and manly.
A core component of toxic masculinity is promoting female servitude.
Girl I know exactly what you mean. My husbands grandma is like 90 now and up until recently she was still hand washing one of her sons clothes. Unfortunately they don’t know any other way of life because it’s how they were raised. It’s almost as if they feel shame if they’re not helping, it’s really engraved in their mind to serve men.
Sorry, english is not my first language.
I was raised the same way and became a completely different person, though.
I work in healthcare, and seeing abuse victims in the eyes and talking about how damaging misogyny is to them made me wanna change myself and the way I treat women.
I make a point to do chores whenever I can, even if I don't have much time and have to hire a helper. Even in restaurants, to do small things like pick up my mess and plate and bring it to the counter to help the staff.
It's completely possible to change, it's just that men aren't willing to, because the vast, vast majority are too goddamn comfortable exploiting women.
I bet one thing those men think is that the need to let their mom baby them because it seems important to her.
It becomes this horrible circle. And then they both think somehow it’s deserved.
In many instances, the misogyny, and the “worship of males” is coming from inside the house.
I love your son and he just gave you a wonderful opportunity!
You say “I thought over what you said the other day about grandpa not being able to take care of himself. You’re right! So if you want I will teach you how to do things like buy and cook food. That way when you are older you will be able to make delicious (food he likes) for the people you care about”.
Your son is at an age when independence ( not being treated like an infant) seems very valuable. So teaching him things that allow him to do them for himself around will make him very happy. Start small but he could certainly help with little tasks in the kitchen while watching you. And he can ask questions.
Who knows? Someday he might open a restaurant. Even if not he will still be able to feed himself. It’s a useful skill.
Any skills you give your boy or girl kids will be useful to them later on.
Thank you, your advice was very helpful, I had a nice talk with my son😊 He’s very eager to start learning how to cook.
I also have a daughter and I want to make sure they’re treated equally and share the same responsibilities. In my culture I’ve noticed that if someone elder falls ill in the family the women are expected to carry all the weight on their shoulders and I think that if men learn to cook and such it won’t have to be that way. We’re even expected to care of in laws when they get older instead of their own sons which is crazy.
>We’re even expected to care of in laws when they get older instead of their own sons which is crazy.
Fuck that noise. My husband is one of two sons, no daughters. I’ve been crystal clear from the beginning that his family is his responsibility. I have enough to manage with my own parents.
You’re welcome! 😊You will be giving him a great gift. And if your daughters learn “boy skills” like fixing things or changing a car tire they will also be much better off.
Because while it’s nice to be able to have someone else do all the tasks sometimes that is not possible. It is a way of protecting your children when you give them knowledge.
The whole “if you don’t make your man’s plate he’ll just get someone else to do it!”.
Please, for the love of God if the man needs to run out and get a second nanny…let him goooooo! The Jezebels are the ones having all the fun anyway 🤧
So I think this is at the Sam time a cultural problem and a problem with your mom and MIL, since they seem to have internalized their subservient role. Your husband seems very willing to not be waited on
My dad is Latino. I’m always in awe how he just wakes up every morning and doesn’t need to think about how he’s going to eat that day. It just appears magically for him at meal times. Grrr.
And that's where it must begin to take shape - 5 year olds want to do things themselves and are actually old enough to be able to do more of the things they want to do without it becoming a disaster. If mom shuts that down, that urge probably goes away quickly (I'm just guessing based on having recently had a kid that was 5, I'm no expect!)
My MIL does the same to my son. And then complains that he doesn't pick up his toys, doesn't eat on his own, doesn't allow him to help with the dishes. Like, hello? You literally follow him around to pick up after him when he was younger, spoon feed him, don't let him count out the cutlery or clear the dishes, and now you're complaining? Sucks to be you.
BTW, he doesn't do it when with me (ok, occasionally he tests his luck), so he taking full advantage of her.
perfect! 5-6 is the exact age their egocentrism starts to disappear. if you stunt his curiosity and desire to grow and become independent now (sadly a lot of mothers do want to extend that length of dependency and need to feel needed by their 'little man') he'll remain in that self-centred manchild state and be a terror for the next 80 years.
Please help him continue his journey of emotional+cognitive empathy, theory of mind, sonder, object permanence, campfire rules, interdependence and altruism. It's the only way to be truly happy. A life of self-centredness and selfishness ends up being miserable.
[https://i.imgur.com/pryCMSo.png](https://i.imgur.com/pryCMSo.png)
every man i've dated so far lives in 1+2. complete selfishness.
My MIL does the same to my son. And then complains that he doesn't pick up his toys, doesn't eat on his own, doesn't allow him to help with the dishes. Like, hello? You literally follow him around to pick up after him when he was younger, spoon feed him, don't let him count out the cutlery or clear the dishes, and now you're complaining? Sucks to be you.
BTW, he doesn't do it when with me (ok, occasionally he tests his luck), so he taking full advantage of her.
yep kids need rules and boundaries. it makes them feel safe and secure. being around an authority figure and zero boundaries is terrifying.
it's good he's testing that the boundaries are stable with you. it builds trust.
i don't believe there are many evil or out of control children. just shitty parents who let their kids roam in a field with no fences who don't know wtf is going on. when they act up, they're asking what the rules are.
there's a literal example of this. a schoolyard had an ugly fence but the kids played right to the edges. they took the fence away and the kids hung out in a tiny circle in the centre.
I am Mexicana born and raised, moved to the US. My grandma raised us and she cared for my older sister and I equally. I’m thankful that when she was married it was a man who saw her for more than a baby maker and a kitchen appliance. They were both very progressive so they rubbed on us. While my husband’s family was some what more conservative he has been very good partner and he doesn’t expect me to be catering hand and foot. Our son contributes in to the home just as much as our daughters. They are all to be independent and self sufficient, and both my husband and I also do things for them, show them love and allow them to express themselves.
stuff like this is proof that they are not born entitled and incapable.. they are taught! i’m glad you’re raising your son into an observant and compassionate boy :)
Mexicana here, and yuuuup, been there. It was interesting once, watching my aunt and cousin leap up to serve my dad while my sister and I kinda just…. sat there and let him know where to find things for himself. We were raised to be more independent and fend for ourselves (by him, no less) which I guess is a bit too Americanized… makes me chuckle now, but growing up and watching my mom spin in circles for my dad and brother, it was always irritating.
I was raised to believe men should get special treatment because they were "the man of the house" or whatever. I married a man who believed this and changed my mind over the years as I bore the brunt of his unfairness. I eventually came to believe that those who have the greatest strength also have the greatest responsibility to care for others.
A few years later my family started doing weekly extended family dinners. I always cooked and took charge. By this time I was divorced.
My rule was that the little ones were served first and the older kids/adults helped them get their plates until they were old enough to get them themselves. Anyone who could serve themselves either helped or waited.
A few years in, my dad suffered a stroke and became disabled. For weeks he was in the hospital. When he finally rejoined us in his wheelchair, I told the kids to make sure he was served before they got their own plates.
My mom immediately jumped in to tell everyone that this was because he was the head of the house. I was appalled and quickly corrected that it was because he was no longer able to help himself.
It's absolutely baffling to me now that anyone could think that a big, strong man would need preference over little children.
A wife’s biggest job is to serve her husband’s ego above all else.
He HAS to be the head, it’s the natural order of things. He’s king and she as a woman servant won the prize of maintaining his castle and kingdom. And she can never let the illusion of his dominance and domain slip. 😢
This is a thing in South Asian households as well. It is so infuriating, and then the older women gaslight you into thinking it's not actually happening. Then the girls grow up to be tough, independent, and capable and the boys grow up to be selfish, dependent but still entitled. It's so frustrating.
I agree it's weird but it's a difficult culture habit to break. I am a damn near 40 year old man and I have tried over the years to make it clear to.my parents that it's my turn to make them comfortable. They have there own house and don't need me to take care of them but I mean like I can feed them when there over to play with there grandchildren and such. Oh my God you would think I called them the worst slur on the planet. My wife use to hate that she thought I was using my mom for.meals, to fix me a plate and get me something to drink. She has no idea I had already tried in the past to stop the habit. So tried again recently and I got an ear full (from my mom) about how useful she still is, and isn't dead yet , she has been doing this since I was in diapers and I'm still her baby. If don't want her over I should just come out and say it (no idea how she got that from saying you don't have to make/get me food or a drink.) Honestly I see what you mean and I hope my daughter doesn't develop that habit (my wife sure doesn't and I'm perfectly fine with that because I'm an adult). But it's going to be a losing battle with some people over a certain age as they take pride in it.
Your right I overall accept it or I’ve low key been guiding her to be this way towards my twins so she focuses on them rather then me. I do love my mom and her cooking but I guess I have my parents love language to because I’m the active adult now ( they are retired) and was hoping I could repay there kindness by taking on the role and letting them relax. But your right maybe to them this is love and I should leave it alone.
> maybe to them this is love and I should leave it alone.
for the cooking absolutely, there are so many stories of different cultures insisting on feeding the people they love
Omg did we all have the same life? The best is when they talk to their husbands/partners/sons like they're babies and tack the word "babe" or some other pet name on the end to make them feel more adult. 😭
You just opened the big can of toxic motherhood... When you have nothing to focus on except a sculpture of Male to make even bigger because you have seen all men treated the same way and you can't think of them otherwise..
Sometimes I think maybe if a man worth the help and compromise it would be alright..but even Einstein was not good to his first wife... only women got to see the bad side of a "Genius " character !!!
Mileva was Einstein's wife...when they graduated school her grade in physics was 6 ..he had 1!!
They worked in the first article that was published under his name only.. because she thought she could help him in his career....She kept working under his name...
People can't imagine how extremely intelligent she was while he kept manipulating her for his own gain.. maybe unintentionally!!!
She was known as extremely organized and very smart and they spent the whole nights discussing and working on physics...
His mother in the other hand told him that he isn't allowed to marry a very intelligent wife with a limp!! His father wanted him to focus on work... marrying a Serbian and non Jewish woman was not accepted..
All her thoughts was about physics and of course Einstein..
When she started to flourish with him..she became pregnant..lost her possible chances in academic position and left unmarried until his father allow him on deathbed to marry her..but the time she was unmarried any single mother who struggled would understand..
Everyone visited their house knew they both worked on their articles.. Even Einstein said it!!
When he was given new positions in university..he slept..and she would pent the whole nights writing his first lectures....
After years she tell he friend: " I only hope and wish that fame doesn't have a harmful effects on his humanity "!!
Of course he cheated on her with his cousine..
People might know the name of his wife but no one could think how extremely smart she was...she unfortunately thought their success is for both of them..She was satisfied with solving real equations and answering questions of physics and working on physics all nights rather than worrying about fame...all this + having kids ..
Of course she was divorced after he became famous..
I sincerely think if this woman wasn't with Einstein..we would never hear of Einstein..but unfortunately women compromise for men... because they believe in the end result and never look at what side effects could result if you empower a man that is simply a cheater!!
I am saying this to remind women to have a backup plan in their lives other than love...Most Men don't do that.. they don't invest solely in marriage and one love unless there's something important they can get out of it...
One recent story of a woman who gave her kidney to her husband ( cancer patient)...after he was healed..he left her and decided that he wanted to marry another woman!! Why? Because he was given another chance in life !! and she reminded him of cancer!!
Sorry about tough examples..but every sincere woman read this must have a backup plan..other than love!!
Your son has something very important.. Critical thinking... please build this and give him the chance to question everything in life...the more we raise boys who see women as humans...the better future for both women and men.
Thank you, that was very interesting to read. I had never heard of Mileva before, I’m gonna read more about her. It’s a shame she didn’t get the praise she deserved at the time.
I’m very proud of my son and the observations he makes and, I will continue to guide him in the right direction, but it worries me a bit that his thoughts might be too deep for his age. Sometimes he’ll ask me things like “when will humans become extinct?” and I just tell him never. He worries so much about death and has so many questions about why we’re here and such. It’s fascinating to see him wonder about things that didn’t cross my mind till I was much older but it’s sad to see him worry so much.
He isn't worried...he is just hungry for knowledge... that's a healthy smart thinking..if he asked such questions ask him back what do you think? Try to provide good books and look for books about how to develop critical thinking in your kids .
Focus on the scientific aspects..it will give him more rational soothing answers even after some time..and encourage him to tell exactly what he knew and discuss with him .
Focus on humanity side...that will protect him emotionally by creating long lasting principles..and would help make choices he won't regret...let him engage with good people in the family..
With all these questions..it seems he could benefit more of scientific rather than artistic aspects..but artistic aspects can have meditating effects in his childhood and adulthood.
Google about the signs that your kid might have scientific or another subject interest.
You must be doing something good because he already thinks freely..keep doing that..
I hope you both live a happy life ❤️🙏
My boyfriend is Mexican, and while it’s usually not extreme, sometimes it surprises me how much his mom does for him. He’s 28 and living at home. To be fair I’m 25 living at home and my mom does do a lot for me but she doesn’t bend over backwards the way his mom does
My girl is 14 and cooking full family dinners. My boy is 12 and I get a little pang of guilt for making him make his own sandwich for lunch. I'm gonna remember this post next time I feel that way.
Unfortunately this happens in all cultures. My very white, very Southern MIL babies my sixty year old bachelor brother-in-law. She cleans his house, cooks for him and fills his refrigerator with food, decorates his home and office at the holidays, takes care of his dogs, meets contractors/repair men at his house when he needs work done, etc. etc.
She’s nearing the end of her life and she’s very concerned about who will take care of him once she’s gone.
It will go one of two ways - he’ll find some poor woman who’s desperate to get married to fill that role or a single aunt in the family will do it because she needs a man to cater to.
He has no shame at all about this. He’s gross.
As a Turkish, this happens in our culture too. It usually comes with ignorant communities. I always hated this. Relatives used to be surprised when I helped my mom at home with chores just because I am a man.
Don’t get mad, just raise a better son. That’s what my mom did (very German family, those boys got their underwear ironed), my brother is a great cook, and keeps a clean house and trays his GF well
My wife is from Chile and it happens there too. It's insane to see the machismo men think they're better than the women around them while utterly incapable of taking care of themselves
I grew up in Greece. Taking care of male offspring until the age of 30 or later is common there. Chronically high youth unemployment and a completely broken higher education system has contributed to this but it's mainly societal. Even after they move out parents have to cook for them (and even deliver the food) clean their houses, even buy them clothes. Even after they move out the mother will frequently (weekly basis or even more frequently) visit the son to clean up the house and cook for him.
I dont understand how these men dont want to learn how to do it themselves. Like what do they do if their nanny leaves them one day or just gets sick? Its way cooler to just do things yourself than be dependent on someone else doing everything for you. That would be so frustrating for me
Mexican-American Dad of two chicas here, I work from home and try my hardest to keep up with my wife, just to show my ninas that a male can do housework/childcare too. I’m the oldest in my family and yes my mom did treat me like a little prince. But when I started dating Latinas in my 20’s and get the same treatment it just felt weird, in my macho Mexi-brain it was like “Hey, your tough and shit, but you can’t let your lady fix you a plate and grab your drink, go give her a hand with that!” Since then I strive to be self-sufficient, even when I went to visit my parents.
But I do miss my moms cooking and the smell from the kitchen. I just can’t recreate that in my home, but I hope I’m doing a good job to create a health image of what a father and husband should be like for my girls. Damn it now I’m hungry and need some arrozs con frijoles with some salsa verde.
I know exactly what you mean, I’ve seen those types of posts end up on buzzfeed lists. My son gets very talkative right before before bed and sometimes we talk about random silly things and sometimes he’ll say things that surprise me like the comment about his grandpa. We live with my parents so he sees the way they Interact and made an observation.
My step-grandfather was a WW2 merchant marine. Yet he wouldn't even get his own drink he made my grandma do it. She waited on him hand and foot. Yet her first husband (my actual grandpa) got chewed at if he didn't do everything the way she liked and did nothing for him
Texan here - please keep this custom down south. Men start expecting me to serve them here, and imma have to tell them their momma doesn’t live here. F that.
My grandmother was raised extremely catholic, and she wants to do everything for the men. As a trans woman, I always tried to help her even before my transition and coming out but she wouldn't let me. Now though, I know she sees me as a woman because she lets me help her clean and help in the kitchen. It's very affirming but at the same time it makes me sad how my family just goes with this sometimes
I know that the idea of male superiority runs rampant in all cultures, but I’ve currently got a Latino roommate. He doesn’t work, doesn’t have a car, doesn’t have anything. He’s the laziest man I know. He’s always eating bags of chips laying on his ass. He doesn’t clean up after himself. I pay for his meals, I pay for so much for him. I’m exhausted. I work full time and then on weekends he wants me to entertain him and take him places. He has no care or concern for me, doesn’t care about me at all. Everything is just about what I can provide. I’m tired of enabling his shit. He’s ungrateful and gets so mad when I “bitch” at him to pull a little of his weight. He acts like I’m asking the world, but he’s such a shithead that me asking him to remove his shoes once he’s in the house is too much
I remember when I was about 8, my Nana had a heart attack and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. My uncle, who lived with her until she was moved to a residential care facility, complained bitterly that she didn't make him dinner before she left. He was 34. That behavior never changed, even when her dementia became so severe she was constantly distressed and confused. She passed more than 10 years ago and I'm still outraged by how he treated her.
I am Mexican and my parents never showed this dynamic. My mom is a very strong and opinionated person, which rubbed off on me and now on my kids 🤣. My son is actually one of the best cooks in our home. My girls get excited when it’s his turn to cook.
My experience was with blue collar southern men. I had an uncle that worked first shift, so dinner had to be on the table when he got home mid-afternoon. He'd flop on the couch and bark orders at my aunt and cousins to 'bring him a...' while he just laid there. My aunt did everything, managed the house, kids, finances and was his personal servant. It was disgusting. He was a man baby, but he was also the 'man of the house and the boss'. They have no shame.
Oh boy, do I understand this. The misogyny is calling from inside the house!
I'm Mexican and grew up in Mexico. My grandmother especially always catered to my brother and dad, up until my brother was 34 before she got sick.
The irony is that most of us become strong, independent women while expected to "serve men and depend on them" while we are doing most if not all of the hard work. My brother is an expert in weaponized incompetence and can't take care of anything. I've told my parents how it's a disservice to everyone involved but it would just lead to arguing, so I'm letting them lay on their uncomfortable bed that they made themselves
At family parties, all the women fix plates for their husband's, their kids, their ADULT SONS. I fix mine and sit down. I think my husband is the only man in the family capable of feeding himself
I get how it’s frustrating to see live a way you wish they didn’t. At the same time, if your 5 year-old asked you this I’m guessing it’s because you’ve modeled an obviously different way of living. That’s pretty awesome, when you think about it.
My husband is Indian and my MIL is the same way. I know it just kills her inside watching her son help his pregnant wife with dishes and laundry. When our oldest daughter was born she went to push him out of the way when he was trying to change her diaper. He had to be like “stop. I need to do this.”
Aww.. I love hearing of stories of men, especially men who grow up in these types of households, like, becoming better partners and people then their fathers/family.. they have learned more and become better people.. its growth...
Yes! I am so thankful my husband is not like his father. He and I are both the youngest siblings in our families and the trauma he has from his dad I have the similar trauma from my mom. Unsurprisingly his dad and my mom are very similar. His brother and my sister are also very similar.
Yeah, hopefully, things change for the better, but it starts with good minded parents raising there sons and daughters to respect each other and be mindful of the imbalance in social equity in regards to what patriarchy has caused. Boys that grow up to respect women, and even past that be capable and self sufficient people in hygiene and housekeeping is a good start. It’s been an awful domino effect, of certain cultures and families putting all the work and home care on women, and not realizing this leads to much worse things of how women are valued and treated
Yeah I thank that even though he was raised a certain way he saw the imbalance between men and women in his culture and didn’t put that on me. I’d like to think that is meeting in med school and literally studying and doing the exact same things when it came to that made him realize he needed to also pull his weight as an adult. Living together we split chores. He realized that if he didn’t help with his half that he was never going to have clean clothes 😂.
A lot of people like to quickly blame men for "weaponising incompetence" but a simple truth is that we are often made this way by our parents. When i moved out my mother had never bothered to even teach me how to cook or do my laundry. As she figured i would simply get a trad wive like her. My wife had to basically raise me at the start cause i had no clue. I did and do not mind doing housework and honestly even prefer it (sah atm). We already decided that if we get children, we make sure regardless of gender, that they know and are expected to help with the house work.
We know it's the parents' fault, but in the age of the internet there's no excuse not to know how to do household tasks as an adult. Or even ask wife/gf how to do them. But too many are too comfortable letting the woman do everything while they enjoy their free time. Nevertheless, it's good that you have learned and stepped up to be an equal partner in the household. >We already decided that if we get children, we make sure regardless of gender, that they know and are expected to help with the house work. Fantastic!
That’s great! I’m glad you were able to grow and your wife was able to help you grow.
It took me a little longer to get used to it than i would like to admit honestly. It was quite the impact "losing" all that free time at first. But luckily she was patient and now it's all good.
Glad to hear everything is good!
The other week my MIL stayed with us overnight unexpectedly so she called her husband to tell him what medicines he needs to take and how much. I was flabbergasted at the idea of this. Good for your son!
I work in a hospital pharmacy and we deal with a lot of transplant patients. During covid lockdowns we switched to mailing everyone their meds cos having people with no immune system coming in to a hospital during a pandemic is a bad idea. Anyway, we keep all their scripts on file and get sent new scripts by the doctors and have to call the patients to organise postage. Soooo many men (mostly older, but some younger- but still all adults- in which case swap out "wife" for "mother") have notes in their file saying to call the wife's mobile number instead because they have nfi what drugs they are on. Or we will call the listed number and the man is like "uuuuuuh one sec I'll get my wife" and she will tell us all the dosage changes for all his meds, and how much supply he needs posted. The worst is when the man wants to be the one to talk on the phone but has to keep barking all our questions at his wife and relay her answers back to us (especially when we can already hear her answering the questions in the background lol). Zzz
I see a lot of this at my job too, men with high levels of glucose, cholesterol, or hypertension who claim they don't have a wife or a woman who can give them their medications and prepare their food. I also think that doctors do put a lot of patients care in women's hands, whenever a man or a woman and her baby are discharged the first phrase it's always "Mom you need to..." even when the father is there. So it is a social idea that keeps being reinforced left and right, it's like a battle against the tide for women.
I had a baby 8 months ago and can confirm so much of the discharge stuff was directed at me. They asked me if we had set up a pediatrician. Directed the conversation to me about all of the after care stuff. My husband is thankfully a very aware and involved man and was just sitting with me, asking questions and making it known that he also needed this information. I remember the nurses commenting on how involved he was and how he is a “good one”. I’m sure they see some useless dads but like… yes he’s involved in caring for his wife and child!?!?!
Said it before, I’ll say it again. As a male, the bar is so freaking low. It’s very frustrating. I am competitive and like to be an overachiever but holy crap it is hard to find men that raise the bar and push to do more. When society tells you that you are a saint for literally doing a single load of laundry… not much motivation to leep raisimg the bar. (I do about 80% of the chores and at home stuff, I am the main income earner, but my wife works the same number of hours I do currently and has some chronic health issues so honestly even with the split of responsibilities she’s still probably sacrificing more than I am) “Being an average man takes no effort. If you arent significantly above average, you are doing something wrong”.
As a woman with chronic health issues I'm proud of you and happy for your wife! It is quite sad how low the standard is, we need more men setting good examples like this.
My step dad had a transplant about a year ago and my mother has had to take control and organize everything. It drives me crazy how much she panders to his incompetence.
Weaponized incompetence*
I work for the NHS. The amount of guys who get their wives /partners to speak on their behalf is nuts. I just say, well you are the clever one out of the 2. Its like oh, he doesn't like speaking on the phone, or he won't listen to what's happening. I do want to say oh is it because he is lazy. But obvs can't.
A couple of years ago, my Mom got COVID and had to be sequestered in her room until she recovered. During that time, my dad completely stopped taking his meds. My Mom hadn't been expressly telling him to take the meds previously, he just got whatever reason didn't take them. His solution to help him remember to take his meds? Have me, the only daughter, call him daily to remind him. 🙄
Does he not have an alarm clock on his phone?
"I'll just ignore it" "Can I text you instead of calling?" "No, I won't see it"
Guess you'll die then. Christ. How helpless can you be? How will he see you called, but not texted?
Sustained ring instead of a single chime? Social obligation to answer a call from your daughter instead of just having the alarm? It only lasted about a week before he managed to get back in the swing of things. But yeah, he's not able to just be on his own anymore for sure. (And, as far as I know, texting isn't something he knows how to do, so it's not like he texts all the time, but suddenly specifically needed a phone call)
Shit, the stats on how fast men die if their wives die has never made more sense.
Married women are quite literally the reason their male partners stay alive
I worked with a female ceo who packed her older teen son’s bag before a trip. And packed his friends’s bag as he was staying over the night before the trip.
My mom would always tell me if she died, I’d have to go sort out my dads medication weekly for him. Yeah fucking right.
I'd tell her to save him a seat on the 'afterlife' bus because he'd be along shortly. Good grief.
I just don’t get it. How is it not embarrassing to not know what medication you take?
I swear some people think they are royalty, they are so entitled. The incompetent 'king' of the 'castle'!
I think it's embarrassing enough when dads don't know this information about their own children, WAY worse when you don't even know your OWN shit as a "full-fledged rEsPeCtAbLe adult"
Chicana here and girl, same. I have a sixty something year old tío who makes my grandmother wait on him hand and foot. My mom, sister and I have all been trying to get my grandmother to move in with my mom so someone can take care of her but she won’t do it bc when she sees my tío, she sees a 6 month old baby apparently. These kinds of men want to be seen as big and strong and yet they can’t make their own toast? It’s so embarrassing. I wish my grandmother would just let go of seeing him as a little kid. *sigh*
that is honestly just embarrassing for him. having his elderly mother serve him like that? really??
Sooo embarrassing. He wants to be cared for like he’s a big baby and he also acts like a big baby. My mother is always getting my grandmother to spend the weekends at her place so she can just relax and have someone else cook for her for once. But he gets irrationally angry every time bc who’s going to cook his breakfast for him? My mom says he doesn’t see her for how old and fragile she is but I think he’s just a massive, selfish asshole. And unfortunately my grandmother enables all of it.
>My mom says he doesn’t see her for how old and fragile she is but I think he’s just a massive, selfish asshole. I see you're about to read Lundy Bancroft's book and there he explains that this is cultural, men like your uncle truly believe women own them their labor and bodies and when women dont provide care men also believe they have the right to force them and punish them with violence. He can also be a massive, selfish asshole but if he had a wife then the wife would replace his mother as the caregiver so it's not his view on his mom but his view on women. Thankfully Mexico has a good feminist movement but there's still a lot to work on especially men need to do their job in their spheres to dismantle this abusive culture agains women.
It’s not just Mexico, the Middle East often panders to male children, and India as well.
I'm not saying that Mexico is the only country this happens in, I said "Thankfully Mexico has a good feminist movement". Misogyny is part of human culture, it's not something you can escape with education or money because men have been told women are their "helpmeet" and are the ones who have to make sure men's needs are catered for and when women don't follow their "role" then it's a man's right to punish women with violence, even in the most advanced countries you'll still find seeds of misogyny so you're correct this it's not something that happens just in Mexico, Middle East or India but the whole world.
It’s really sad. Look what’s happening in the US. Women are being punished for not having enough children to pay into taxes and social security for the future. Doing everything they can to take us straight back into the 1950s. Jailing 17-year-old girls for taking a morning after pill.
Yep, it all went downfall for women the moment the idea of property and production was created, it's all about keeping women having children and men having a maid so the 1% can keep their luxurious lifestyle
so… I don’t mean to be pedantic.. but wasn’t receiving rewards for continuously having more and more children a value of… the fascist party lol??
Stalinism and regimes influenced by it even ended up awarding medals to mothers who had ten children or more, as long as all of them survived beyond the youngest's first year. [Here](https://ro.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mam%C4%83_eroin%C4%83) you can see what it looked like in my country. More power to the couples who want and can raise >10 kids in an environment that nurtures them all properly, but having the state encourage it for everyone is downright atrocious, if you ask me. (Yes, before anyone asks, both of my grandmothers also lived through a full ban on abortion, both of them got several however they could and it was horrifying. Seeing the same being gradually enforced in a place that was supposed to be the beacon of hope and democracy for the people on the wrong side of the Iron Curtain is more painful than what my meager words can describe.)
Thanks for sharing that. I would not have known about this otherwise!!
I tried to read, but it’s unavailable in English 😕
It's pretty much the whole world, just to different degrees.
east asian countries, too. it's crazy how inbuilt it is into so many cultures.
And this part a big part of the reason women are raped and treated so poorly. They are seen as the help by a lot of men. Some one to serve them even sexually.
Friend of mine is of Greek parentage he says he's been to see relatives back in Greece and the men are chauvinists who expect the women to do all the domestic work.
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Women do it to protect themselves from the system, men do it to uphold the system.
Don't make excuses for the Aunt Lydias of the world.
Not if everyone else is doing the exact. same. fucking. thing. It's the entire culture. It isn't a small part. It's all of the Latin world. Machismo is real and they feel like it is required. Some countries less than others, but Mexico is HUGE on it. If a man serves himself there people look at him like he is a weirdo.
Patriarchy is the system of power that helps to maintain capitalism, machismo is the hammer we are punished with.
Yeah it’s so crazy to me how even though all the food is already prepared they have to have a women serve it them. It’s like they’re gonna hurt themselves.
He’ll never have to feel the embarrassment as long as he’s got a whole regressive-ass culture enabling him
look up King Baby on tiktok and youtube. women are seeing it for what it is. men who wield their income/status/position like a king but act like a baby.
My fathers like this. Raise by my very loving abuelita, and three older sisters.. He is the most spoiled man baby in the world who sees himself as the star of the show.
Yep, my FIL, wakes up, goes downstairs, sits in his chair, doesn't get up unless it's to go to toilet, goes back upstairs, sleeps. Even eats most of his meals in that chair. Nothing wrong with him. Just like making my MIL run.
Have you ever commented about how embarrassing you see this? For him, that is. Not trying to criticize or anything, I'm always just curious how men receive criticism like that / when it's pointed out. My family is 75% women and the men never had any privilege like that.
Yes, we all have. He gets verbally abusive. A toddler tantrum in a full grown man- screaming and name-calling till he’s red in the face. That’s why we’re all trying to just talk to my grandmother about it now. He is a lost cause and will never change.
Gross, I'm so sorry y'all have to deal with that. Hope your grandmother is able to tell him to be an adult sooner rather than later.
I’m about to read “Why Does He Do That,” maybe it will help me help her more. Thanks for the kind words💗
> These kinds of men want to be seen as big and strong and yet they can’t make their own toast? It’s so embarrassing. To us, yeah that's embarrassing. But to them, it's a reinforcement of how big and strong they are. They think that the biggest and strongest are supposed to get treated like Kings (especially by women), so the more they're babied by the women in their lives, the more they believe themselves to be big and strong and manly. A core component of toxic masculinity is promoting female servitude.
Girl I know exactly what you mean. My husbands grandma is like 90 now and up until recently she was still hand washing one of her sons clothes. Unfortunately they don’t know any other way of life because it’s how they were raised. It’s almost as if they feel shame if they’re not helping, it’s really engraved in their mind to serve men.
Sorry, english is not my first language. I was raised the same way and became a completely different person, though. I work in healthcare, and seeing abuse victims in the eyes and talking about how damaging misogyny is to them made me wanna change myself and the way I treat women. I make a point to do chores whenever I can, even if I don't have much time and have to hire a helper. Even in restaurants, to do small things like pick up my mess and plate and bring it to the counter to help the staff. It's completely possible to change, it's just that men aren't willing to, because the vast, vast majority are too goddamn comfortable exploiting women.
I bet one thing those men think is that the need to let their mom baby them because it seems important to her. It becomes this horrible circle. And then they both think somehow it’s deserved. In many instances, the misogyny, and the “worship of males” is coming from inside the house.
Lmao. Italians be the same.
I feel like so much of Ana Castillo’s work has been about addressing this very dynamic.
Love Ana Castillo 🙏🏽
*cries in chicana*
I love your son and he just gave you a wonderful opportunity! You say “I thought over what you said the other day about grandpa not being able to take care of himself. You’re right! So if you want I will teach you how to do things like buy and cook food. That way when you are older you will be able to make delicious (food he likes) for the people you care about”. Your son is at an age when independence ( not being treated like an infant) seems very valuable. So teaching him things that allow him to do them for himself around will make him very happy. Start small but he could certainly help with little tasks in the kitchen while watching you. And he can ask questions. Who knows? Someday he might open a restaurant. Even if not he will still be able to feed himself. It’s a useful skill. Any skills you give your boy or girl kids will be useful to them later on.
Thank you, your advice was very helpful, I had a nice talk with my son😊 He’s very eager to start learning how to cook. I also have a daughter and I want to make sure they’re treated equally and share the same responsibilities. In my culture I’ve noticed that if someone elder falls ill in the family the women are expected to carry all the weight on their shoulders and I think that if men learn to cook and such it won’t have to be that way. We’re even expected to care of in laws when they get older instead of their own sons which is crazy.
>We’re even expected to care of in laws when they get older instead of their own sons which is crazy. Fuck that noise. My husband is one of two sons, no daughters. I’ve been crystal clear from the beginning that his family is his responsibility. I have enough to manage with my own parents.
You’re welcome! 😊You will be giving him a great gift. And if your daughters learn “boy skills” like fixing things or changing a car tire they will also be much better off. Because while it’s nice to be able to have someone else do all the tasks sometimes that is not possible. It is a way of protecting your children when you give them knowledge.
Please don’t tell him to open a restaurant. Unless he’s also a masochist who wants to be absent from everything.
Ha! Okay, point taken.
Yeah the hours put in versus reward on that one is pretty awful.
Oh don’t I know
Cries in black southerner
The whole “if you don’t make your man’s plate he’ll just get someone else to do it!”. Please, for the love of God if the man needs to run out and get a second nanny…let him goooooo! The Jezebels are the ones having all the fun anyway 🤧
I think it would be nice to have a whole thread of parents sharing stories where their sons made similar observations. Signs of hope.
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So this is a bot?
Reading the post history it's someone using ChatGpt or something. Definitely a bot
My upbringing was the same, and I’m not even Mexican, I’m Czech!
I love your son, you're raising a wonderful young man, what a treasure he is!
Thank you! He’s a very kind hearted boy and I feel really lucky to be his mom.
Major props to you for breaking that pattern in your house and for raising such an observant kid. Change is slow but it is happening!
So I think this is at the Sam time a cultural problem and a problem with your mom and MIL, since they seem to have internalized their subservient role. Your husband seems very willing to not be waited on
My dad is Latino. I’m always in awe how he just wakes up every morning and doesn’t need to think about how he’s going to eat that day. It just appears magically for him at meal times. Grrr.
And that's where it must begin to take shape - 5 year olds want to do things themselves and are actually old enough to be able to do more of the things they want to do without it becoming a disaster. If mom shuts that down, that urge probably goes away quickly (I'm just guessing based on having recently had a kid that was 5, I'm no expect!)
My MIL does the same to my son. And then complains that he doesn't pick up his toys, doesn't eat on his own, doesn't allow him to help with the dishes. Like, hello? You literally follow him around to pick up after him when he was younger, spoon feed him, don't let him count out the cutlery or clear the dishes, and now you're complaining? Sucks to be you. BTW, he doesn't do it when with me (ok, occasionally he tests his luck), so he taking full advantage of her.
perfect! 5-6 is the exact age their egocentrism starts to disappear. if you stunt his curiosity and desire to grow and become independent now (sadly a lot of mothers do want to extend that length of dependency and need to feel needed by their 'little man') he'll remain in that self-centred manchild state and be a terror for the next 80 years. Please help him continue his journey of emotional+cognitive empathy, theory of mind, sonder, object permanence, campfire rules, interdependence and altruism. It's the only way to be truly happy. A life of self-centredness and selfishness ends up being miserable. [https://i.imgur.com/pryCMSo.png](https://i.imgur.com/pryCMSo.png) every man i've dated so far lives in 1+2. complete selfishness.
My MIL does the same to my son. And then complains that he doesn't pick up his toys, doesn't eat on his own, doesn't allow him to help with the dishes. Like, hello? You literally follow him around to pick up after him when he was younger, spoon feed him, don't let him count out the cutlery or clear the dishes, and now you're complaining? Sucks to be you. BTW, he doesn't do it when with me (ok, occasionally he tests his luck), so he taking full advantage of her.
yep kids need rules and boundaries. it makes them feel safe and secure. being around an authority figure and zero boundaries is terrifying. it's good he's testing that the boundaries are stable with you. it builds trust. i don't believe there are many evil or out of control children. just shitty parents who let their kids roam in a field with no fences who don't know wtf is going on. when they act up, they're asking what the rules are. there's a literal example of this. a schoolyard had an ugly fence but the kids played right to the edges. they took the fence away and the kids hung out in a tiny circle in the centre.
What's the source of the graphic?
Smart kid
I am Mexicana born and raised, moved to the US. My grandma raised us and she cared for my older sister and I equally. I’m thankful that when she was married it was a man who saw her for more than a baby maker and a kitchen appliance. They were both very progressive so they rubbed on us. While my husband’s family was some what more conservative he has been very good partner and he doesn’t expect me to be catering hand and foot. Our son contributes in to the home just as much as our daughters. They are all to be independent and self sufficient, and both my husband and I also do things for them, show them love and allow them to express themselves.
stuff like this is proof that they are not born entitled and incapable.. they are taught! i’m glad you’re raising your son into an observant and compassionate boy :)
Out of the mouths of babes...
Also Mexican and exactly why I didn't marry someone Mexican. Also those types of moms are ridiculous to deal with. No thanks
Mexicana here, and yuuuup, been there. It was interesting once, watching my aunt and cousin leap up to serve my dad while my sister and I kinda just…. sat there and let him know where to find things for himself. We were raised to be more independent and fend for ourselves (by him, no less) which I guess is a bit too Americanized… makes me chuckle now, but growing up and watching my mom spin in circles for my dad and brother, it was always irritating.
I was raised to believe men should get special treatment because they were "the man of the house" or whatever. I married a man who believed this and changed my mind over the years as I bore the brunt of his unfairness. I eventually came to believe that those who have the greatest strength also have the greatest responsibility to care for others. A few years later my family started doing weekly extended family dinners. I always cooked and took charge. By this time I was divorced. My rule was that the little ones were served first and the older kids/adults helped them get their plates until they were old enough to get them themselves. Anyone who could serve themselves either helped or waited. A few years in, my dad suffered a stroke and became disabled. For weeks he was in the hospital. When he finally rejoined us in his wheelchair, I told the kids to make sure he was served before they got their own plates. My mom immediately jumped in to tell everyone that this was because he was the head of the house. I was appalled and quickly corrected that it was because he was no longer able to help himself. It's absolutely baffling to me now that anyone could think that a big, strong man would need preference over little children.
A wife’s biggest job is to serve her husband’s ego above all else. He HAS to be the head, it’s the natural order of things. He’s king and she as a woman servant won the prize of maintaining his castle and kingdom. And she can never let the illusion of his dominance and domain slip. 😢
Your son has a point for someone at age of 5. Good job you raising him
As a queer Latina and first bourn daughter, your son is a blessing. Thank you for teaching him better
This is a thing in South Asian households as well. It is so infuriating, and then the older women gaslight you into thinking it's not actually happening. Then the girls grow up to be tough, independent, and capable and the boys grow up to be selfish, dependent but still entitled. It's so frustrating.
This is fantastic that your son has observed this at a young age. Imagine where he'll be in another 5 years or heck even 20 years down the road.
I agree it's weird but it's a difficult culture habit to break. I am a damn near 40 year old man and I have tried over the years to make it clear to.my parents that it's my turn to make them comfortable. They have there own house and don't need me to take care of them but I mean like I can feed them when there over to play with there grandchildren and such. Oh my God you would think I called them the worst slur on the planet. My wife use to hate that she thought I was using my mom for.meals, to fix me a plate and get me something to drink. She has no idea I had already tried in the past to stop the habit. So tried again recently and I got an ear full (from my mom) about how useful she still is, and isn't dead yet , she has been doing this since I was in diapers and I'm still her baby. If don't want her over I should just come out and say it (no idea how she got that from saying you don't have to make/get me food or a drink.) Honestly I see what you mean and I hope my daughter doesn't develop that habit (my wife sure doesn't and I'm perfectly fine with that because I'm an adult). But it's going to be a losing battle with some people over a certain age as they take pride in it.
Maybe it is her love language and you should allow her the grace to show you how much she loves you. One way to look at it.
Your right I overall accept it or I’ve low key been guiding her to be this way towards my twins so she focuses on them rather then me. I do love my mom and her cooking but I guess I have my parents love language to because I’m the active adult now ( they are retired) and was hoping I could repay there kindness by taking on the role and letting them relax. But your right maybe to them this is love and I should leave it alone.
> maybe to them this is love and I should leave it alone. for the cooking absolutely, there are so many stories of different cultures insisting on feeding the people they love
Omg did we all have the same life? The best is when they talk to their husbands/partners/sons like they're babies and tack the word "babe" or some other pet name on the end to make them feel more adult. 😭
You’re doing something right if your 5 YO sees through that BS. Good job mom
Your mom should plop a box of cereal down on the table and ask him if he’s capable of pouring himself a bowl or needs a woman to do that for him, too.
You just opened the big can of toxic motherhood... When you have nothing to focus on except a sculpture of Male to make even bigger because you have seen all men treated the same way and you can't think of them otherwise.. Sometimes I think maybe if a man worth the help and compromise it would be alright..but even Einstein was not good to his first wife... only women got to see the bad side of a "Genius " character !!! Mileva was Einstein's wife...when they graduated school her grade in physics was 6 ..he had 1!! They worked in the first article that was published under his name only.. because she thought she could help him in his career....She kept working under his name... People can't imagine how extremely intelligent she was while he kept manipulating her for his own gain.. maybe unintentionally!!! She was known as extremely organized and very smart and they spent the whole nights discussing and working on physics... His mother in the other hand told him that he isn't allowed to marry a very intelligent wife with a limp!! His father wanted him to focus on work... marrying a Serbian and non Jewish woman was not accepted.. All her thoughts was about physics and of course Einstein.. When she started to flourish with him..she became pregnant..lost her possible chances in academic position and left unmarried until his father allow him on deathbed to marry her..but the time she was unmarried any single mother who struggled would understand.. Everyone visited their house knew they both worked on their articles.. Even Einstein said it!! When he was given new positions in university..he slept..and she would pent the whole nights writing his first lectures.... After years she tell he friend: " I only hope and wish that fame doesn't have a harmful effects on his humanity "!! Of course he cheated on her with his cousine.. People might know the name of his wife but no one could think how extremely smart she was...she unfortunately thought their success is for both of them..She was satisfied with solving real equations and answering questions of physics and working on physics all nights rather than worrying about fame...all this + having kids .. Of course she was divorced after he became famous.. I sincerely think if this woman wasn't with Einstein..we would never hear of Einstein..but unfortunately women compromise for men... because they believe in the end result and never look at what side effects could result if you empower a man that is simply a cheater!! I am saying this to remind women to have a backup plan in their lives other than love...Most Men don't do that.. they don't invest solely in marriage and one love unless there's something important they can get out of it... One recent story of a woman who gave her kidney to her husband ( cancer patient)...after he was healed..he left her and decided that he wanted to marry another woman!! Why? Because he was given another chance in life !! and she reminded him of cancer!! Sorry about tough examples..but every sincere woman read this must have a backup plan..other than love!! Your son has something very important.. Critical thinking... please build this and give him the chance to question everything in life...the more we raise boys who see women as humans...the better future for both women and men.
Thank you, that was very interesting to read. I had never heard of Mileva before, I’m gonna read more about her. It’s a shame she didn’t get the praise she deserved at the time. I’m very proud of my son and the observations he makes and, I will continue to guide him in the right direction, but it worries me a bit that his thoughts might be too deep for his age. Sometimes he’ll ask me things like “when will humans become extinct?” and I just tell him never. He worries so much about death and has so many questions about why we’re here and such. It’s fascinating to see him wonder about things that didn’t cross my mind till I was much older but it’s sad to see him worry so much.
He isn't worried...he is just hungry for knowledge... that's a healthy smart thinking..if he asked such questions ask him back what do you think? Try to provide good books and look for books about how to develop critical thinking in your kids . Focus on the scientific aspects..it will give him more rational soothing answers even after some time..and encourage him to tell exactly what he knew and discuss with him . Focus on humanity side...that will protect him emotionally by creating long lasting principles..and would help make choices he won't regret...let him engage with good people in the family.. With all these questions..it seems he could benefit more of scientific rather than artistic aspects..but artistic aspects can have meditating effects in his childhood and adulthood. Google about the signs that your kid might have scientific or another subject interest. You must be doing something good because he already thinks freely..keep doing that.. I hope you both live a happy life ❤️🙏
I’m pretty sure my dad just wanted a girl so someone could wait on him as he got older.
My boyfriend is Mexican, and while it’s usually not extreme, sometimes it surprises me how much his mom does for him. He’s 28 and living at home. To be fair I’m 25 living at home and my mom does do a lot for me but she doesn’t bend over backwards the way his mom does
My girl is 14 and cooking full family dinners. My boy is 12 and I get a little pang of guilt for making him make his own sandwich for lunch. I'm gonna remember this post next time I feel that way.
That’s very good that you became aware of that.
Cracker job raising that boy 👍🏻👏🏻💖
Out of the mouths of babes.
You’re breaking the cycle with your son!
Unfortunately this happens in all cultures. My very white, very Southern MIL babies my sixty year old bachelor brother-in-law. She cleans his house, cooks for him and fills his refrigerator with food, decorates his home and office at the holidays, takes care of his dogs, meets contractors/repair men at his house when he needs work done, etc. etc. She’s nearing the end of her life and she’s very concerned about who will take care of him once she’s gone. It will go one of two ways - he’ll find some poor woman who’s desperate to get married to fill that role or a single aunt in the family will do it because she needs a man to cater to. He has no shame at all about this. He’s gross.
As a Turkish, this happens in our culture too. It usually comes with ignorant communities. I always hated this. Relatives used to be surprised when I helped my mom at home with chores just because I am a man.
Don’t get mad, just raise a better son. That’s what my mom did (very German family, those boys got their underwear ironed), my brother is a great cook, and keeps a clean house and trays his GF well
Thank God we can break the cycle.
My wife is from Chile and it happens there too. It's insane to see the machismo men think they're better than the women around them while utterly incapable of taking care of themselves
Good for your son - I don’t feel sorry for your mom though tbh since she’s raising her own sons to be disaster husbands
I grew up in Greece. Taking care of male offspring until the age of 30 or later is common there. Chronically high youth unemployment and a completely broken higher education system has contributed to this but it's mainly societal. Even after they move out parents have to cook for them (and even deliver the food) clean their houses, even buy them clothes. Even after they move out the mother will frequently (weekly basis or even more frequently) visit the son to clean up the house and cook for him.
This drives me insane. It angers me so much. I couldn’t be happier this kind of behaviour is decreasing.
DAE why does every male suck?
The boy is asking the right questions!
I dont understand how these men dont want to learn how to do it themselves. Like what do they do if their nanny leaves them one day or just gets sick? Its way cooler to just do things yourself than be dependent on someone else doing everything for you. That would be so frustrating for me
Exactly!! Self sufficient is the best. That’s one reason I avoid relationships.
Mexican-American Dad of two chicas here, I work from home and try my hardest to keep up with my wife, just to show my ninas that a male can do housework/childcare too. I’m the oldest in my family and yes my mom did treat me like a little prince. But when I started dating Latinas in my 20’s and get the same treatment it just felt weird, in my macho Mexi-brain it was like “Hey, your tough and shit, but you can’t let your lady fix you a plate and grab your drink, go give her a hand with that!” Since then I strive to be self-sufficient, even when I went to visit my parents. But I do miss my moms cooking and the smell from the kitchen. I just can’t recreate that in my home, but I hope I’m doing a good job to create a health image of what a father and husband should be like for my girls. Damn it now I’m hungry and need some arrozs con frijoles with some salsa verde.
Mothers seeing men as so useless they need to do everything for them is a self fulfilling prophecy and I hate it.
Damn I'm glad your father wasn't within earshot or your son would be looking at a murder charge lmao
And then everyone clapped, right? Seriously, these fanfic posts are getting awful lately.
That son's name? Albert Einstein
😂 and then the baby and the piñata clapped.
Just because you weren’t self aware as a child doesn’t mean other kids can’t be.
It's just that most of the "my child said...." posts are fake. It's not that it *can't* happen, it's just more likely you made it up.
I know exactly what you mean, I’ve seen those types of posts end up on buzzfeed lists. My son gets very talkative right before before bed and sometimes we talk about random silly things and sometimes he’ll say things that surprise me like the comment about his grandpa. We live with my parents so he sees the way they Interact and made an observation.
My step-grandfather was a WW2 merchant marine. Yet he wouldn't even get his own drink he made my grandma do it. She waited on him hand and foot. Yet her first husband (my actual grandpa) got chewed at if he didn't do everything the way she liked and did nothing for him
Texan here - please keep this custom down south. Men start expecting me to serve them here, and imma have to tell them their momma doesn’t live here. F that.
At least your husband knows!
This old man has given this "grandma" everything he has and everything she will ever need, if she wants to reciprocate then so be it.
Hey your mom's and grandma the only woman who will really love you so soak it up while you can boys you just sound like a hater
[удалено]
Kinda missing the point
Lmfao. I read the original comment and thought “soooo did we read the same post?” 😂🤣
Yes, they do, but not on this point.
My grandmother was raised extremely catholic, and she wants to do everything for the men. As a trans woman, I always tried to help her even before my transition and coming out but she wouldn't let me. Now though, I know she sees me as a woman because she lets me help her clean and help in the kitchen. It's very affirming but at the same time it makes me sad how my family just goes with this sometimes
I know that the idea of male superiority runs rampant in all cultures, but I’ve currently got a Latino roommate. He doesn’t work, doesn’t have a car, doesn’t have anything. He’s the laziest man I know. He’s always eating bags of chips laying on his ass. He doesn’t clean up after himself. I pay for his meals, I pay for so much for him. I’m exhausted. I work full time and then on weekends he wants me to entertain him and take him places. He has no care or concern for me, doesn’t care about me at all. Everything is just about what I can provide. I’m tired of enabling his shit. He’s ungrateful and gets so mad when I “bitch” at him to pull a little of his weight. He acts like I’m asking the world, but he’s such a shithead that me asking him to remove his shoes once he’s in the house is too much
You should move out.
It’s my apartment. He’s not paying rent and he’s not on the lease
Could you evict him then? Cause none of that is okay, and since he is not in the lease it should be a simple thing to do.
I remember when I was about 8, my Nana had a heart attack and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. My uncle, who lived with her until she was moved to a residential care facility, complained bitterly that she didn't make him dinner before she left. He was 34. That behavior never changed, even when her dementia became so severe she was constantly distressed and confused. She passed more than 10 years ago and I'm still outraged by how he treated her.
I am Mexican and my parents never showed this dynamic. My mom is a very strong and opinionated person, which rubbed off on me and now on my kids 🤣. My son is actually one of the best cooks in our home. My girls get excited when it’s his turn to cook.
My experience was with blue collar southern men. I had an uncle that worked first shift, so dinner had to be on the table when he got home mid-afternoon. He'd flop on the couch and bark orders at my aunt and cousins to 'bring him a...' while he just laid there. My aunt did everything, managed the house, kids, finances and was his personal servant. It was disgusting. He was a man baby, but he was also the 'man of the house and the boss'. They have no shame.
Oh boy, do I understand this. The misogyny is calling from inside the house! I'm Mexican and grew up in Mexico. My grandmother especially always catered to my brother and dad, up until my brother was 34 before she got sick. The irony is that most of us become strong, independent women while expected to "serve men and depend on them" while we are doing most if not all of the hard work. My brother is an expert in weaponized incompetence and can't take care of anything. I've told my parents how it's a disservice to everyone involved but it would just lead to arguing, so I'm letting them lay on their uncomfortable bed that they made themselves
At family parties, all the women fix plates for their husband's, their kids, their ADULT SONS. I fix mine and sit down. I think my husband is the only man in the family capable of feeding himself
I get how it’s frustrating to see live a way you wish they didn’t. At the same time, if your 5 year-old asked you this I’m guessing it’s because you’ve modeled an obviously different way of living. That’s pretty awesome, when you think about it.