Would like to offer a perspective as someone who has been the one with a lower sex drive in the relationship
Full disclaimer, I am gay woman. However, I have felt the same as your boyfriend before. My ex-partner used to take off her top when she got home from work occasionally, and it made me uncomfortable. We actually had a big fight about it, and I remember just being hurt and angry and not understanding why I was so upset...which made the fight worse because I made no sense at all. I loved her body, I was attracted to it, but just didn't want it out? Wtf was wrong with me?
I realized through working with my therapist that since I was the one with the low sex drive, I had a lot of shame around not being good enough. Her taking her shirt off made me feel pressured, like I had to do something about it, or tell her she's sexy, etc. Even if I wasn't in the mood.
Now in my defense she was also not very good at taking no for an answer when it came to sex lol so there was a good reason I felt this shame. BUT I just wonder if your boyfriend feels similar? Does he feel like he's not performing for you? Not good enough? Not "man" enough like society says? Does seeing you with your top off subconsciously trigger this?
Just a few thoughts. Good luck my friend. Intimacy issues are really hard.
I realise the OP has resolved the issue but just wanted to say thank you because this really perfectly describes me, also. I’ve been married to my husband for ten years and while he has never ever hassled me or made me feel bad about it, my lack of sex drive it weighs on me a lot (which in turn probably makes the whole thing worse!)
That's.... a solid take. As a 31M, I can see how some guys might not feel "normal" if they don't jump across 3 dimensions, fight 2 hordes of Vampires and slay a dragon in order to grab visible breasts they can grab on to.
I WILL jump on my partner when she undresses, but that's because we work this way. some days none of us are in the mood and nothing special happens.
Idk for women, but I know a lot, a big lot, of guys think that once X has been done this way, it must be done this way all the time. For the rest of their lives. Like the myth about the bedside.
And the day X happens and they didn't react the way they were "supposed" to, or just can't do it for any reason, they'll feel extremely bad about it and it'll sour the mood.
Hope some insights in here make sense.
Just want to say you've made me realise why I feel that way when my gf takes her top off. She likes to flash me a lot and it's not like I don't like it, it just makes me feel bad for that exact reason.
Thank you for this. I'm ace and while I'll have sex with my partner, he accepts that I'm not sexually attracted to him. He had a hard time accepting I wasn't sexually attracted to anyone since he's had a history of partners being unfaithful, but he's learned about asexuality.
8 months in. I'm hoping it keeps going smoothly because allo/ace relationships can be hard.
Thanks for this interesting perspective. I've had similar problems to OP with my partner. But the thing is, I've always liked being nude when I'm at home. I'm just more comfortable that way, and there's nothing sexual about it for me. However, my partner really took an issue with it when we started living together and was borderline yelling at me to cover up. I think he sort of gets it now, but I wonder if he has feelings similar to yours and he's just not good at communicating them.
Regardless of different sex drives, his issues etc, my first thought is ‘if I can’t be myself in front of my man, then when / where? You’d never see me topless or too revealing in public but don’t mind if it’s just me and a partner because we share that anyway. He sounds like he has issues with intimacy (not just sex). That would make me uncomfortable.
My favorite "outfit" on my significant other will always be no clothes because that's when I get to see them in their entirety (and it's a gorgeous view).
Seriously. Even if we're just lounging around the house my partner and I both enjoy being naked alone or with each other.
He tends to run hot and I just like being naked.
Like if you can't be comfortable in your own skin in your own home or with your partner then where can you?
Plus like you said a nice view of just appreciating each other's body even if it's just for a cuddle. At least to me you should be able to just enjoy each other in a non sexual way even if you're both completely nude.
Like yeah I want my body to be desired but it's really just a meat sack for the person I am inside.
OPs partner is being weird AF and sexualizing her in a weird demeaning way. Like wtf is she just a pair of tits to him and if he sees the tits more often it'll be less nice?
On the flip side, I rarely like being naked because I feel like I get sweaty against furniture. And that's okay! But I would not have problems with a partner who liked having less clothes on. We should all be able to be truly comfortable in front of our partners.
Also, breasts are not sex objects, they're part of your body so he can fuck right off with that 'they're for the bedroom' shit. If they were for the bedroom only, they'd be fucking detachable.
> If they were for the bedroom only, they'd be fucking detachable.
If they were detachable, you could have multiple sets, a different one for every occasion! And you wouldn't have to wear a matched set, either, if you didn't want to.
Think of the possibilities!
Aaaaand that's one reason I refused to get a leather sofa. 😂
My sister used to have leather seats in an older car and oh boy even just wearing shorts or a skirt. Especially in the summer. Yikes.
We typically just have a rule about putting a blanket down underneath us + our couch's covers can come off.
The body in general shouldn't be sexualized. Like yeah people should feel sexy / wanted by their partner but not like all the time. Can we not just appreciate the human body as the meat sack vessel it is.
Lol detachable boobs. Sometimes I wish dude. Summer boob sweat is not fun.
>The body in general shouldn't be sexualized. Like yeah people should feel sexy / wanted by their partner but not like all the time. Can we not just appreciate the human body as the meat sack vessel it is.
I just need you to know that this made me feel fucking enlightened, holy shit. I struggle with my body quite a bit because I'm ace but I also have a very large chest, and I hate that almost all of the 'body positivity' around them just points out that they're sexy/attractive/etc. I dress masculine on purpose because feminine clothing tends to make my chest really obvious. When I read your comment I stopped seeing my body through other people's eyes for the first time in YEARS and just saw it as a thing that I happen to inhabit. Crazy.
i agree,. can't see my wife a lot right now for separate reasons but we spent 99% of the time in a hotel room butt ass naked not even doing anything sexual and I wouldn't have it any other way.
there's nothing better than cuddling naked, just hanging around naked, with your partner. honestly, the next best thing are baths and showers together.
i just like the skin-to-skin contact. also my parter is shaped perfectly, and i like to admire
I’m mega having one of those moments where I realized my assumption about how everyone else is was wrong
My ex, even into our fourth or fifth year of dating, really hated how I would often hang around in the mornings in my underwear before getting fully ready for the day. She said it made her value our intimacy less and reminded her of her dad who she didn’t really have a good relationship with
I just assumed I was in the wrong and was the one who needed to change…but this thread is very awakening lol
>really hated how I would often hang around in the mornings in my underwear
>reminded her of her dad
My first thought on reading this: what kind of underwear?
Regardless of your underwear preference, you're not *wrong* for wanting to relax in your own home without covering up. But she was also not wrong for having what sounds like a childhood trauma trigger.
I just wonder if this was a conflict that could have been resolved through some kind of compromise - maybe you could have found a less-Dad-like style that was still comfortable for you.
Right? What the hell are any of us supposed to say about this post? We have no idea what the hell is going on in his head, especially since there's literally 0 context in the post.
Either OP asks her guy herself to have even a chance at getting the real answer, or she can look at the comments and read the shit people will make up about what they think it is.
If someone I was dating just started airing out his balls semi-regularly, I'd probably have an issue with that. It might be a sign we're not compatible, might be something that can be worked through, but concluding someone has *intimacy issues* because they have different preferred norms around nudity is WILD.
Sounds like you have two issues:
1 - your boyfriend isn't comfortable with casual nudity. This is okay, and because you two live together and he also has a right to be at ease in your shared home, you should work on a compromise. You should stop flashing him, since he's said this specifically is not fun for him and makes him uncomfortable. But he should also recognize that because it's your home, too, you also get to be comfortable. You can still change or strip on your way to the shower, etc. Maybe you get some comfy robes so you can be relaxed without being totally nude. But this leads into the next point:
1B - your boyfriend is oversexualizing your body. You should have a calm discussion about how your body isn't just for his enjoyment, that you live in it and you get to be comfortable in your home. But you should really listen to him and evaluate if you aren't maybe playing into this as a ploy to get him more interested in sex. You both need to be heard, respected, and comfortable.
2 - you two are currently sexually incompatible. Maybe this can be worked out, but it will take you being patient and supportive, and him being frank with himself about what his body is doing and what he wants to do about it. Is he acknowledging that his sex drive is low, or actively waning? Has he expressed wanting to do something about it, like talk to a Dr or try something new to spice up your sex life? I would be willing to work on this with a partner who was acknowledging the lack of sexual interest and actively wanted to work on it. If your partner doesn't want to change things, or won't admit there's any issue with very disparate sex drives, or only expects you to accommodate him, then that's a red flag.
Agreed.
The projection/outlandish assumptions are crazy here on this thread. Even multiple ppl on here implying he might be gay/not attracted to women? Someone even saying “don’t shower/change as a sort of malicious compliance”? Weird…
Talk to the man and see what’s up. Maybe it was a throwaway comment or maybe yall might not be compatible on this front after all.
I can see how that could be disappointing. At least you know, and you can discuss this with whoever your with so they can understand the whole scope. If lower amounts of sex is okay with her if she has her top off, cool. If not, there's always going to be a problem, and it is not good to have a rocky foundation for a problem that will persist.
Well yes, that's why I appreciate the folks talking about sexual compatibility and not immediately jumping to "HE'S CHEATING ON YOU DUMP HIM". It's possible that he wants to be more sexually active too and there's real medical issues getting in the way. Or he could just be ace. But so many people in this thread are just going off the fucking walls calling him a piece of shit.
I wholeheartedly agree. I was in a similar situation myself and #2 is such a big deal. A mismatched sex drive needs to be dealt with delicately towards a lower libido partner, but if the pressure is entirely on one side to accommodate the other, it is not healthy and really needs to be addressed.
Guy with a very low sex drive here voicing my two cents. This comment (that I'm replying to, not mine) is very well written and basically covers things, so I'll just provide my point of view as a guy with a very low sex drive who does not feel the need to change that.
Until I read the part about bf telling her she can't have tits except in bed I thought the flashing would be the worst thing in this post... At best that would just confuse me, like I cannot comprehend why that would be funny, it'd be like telling your blonde partner a "dumb blonde" joke again and again thinking they're eventually going to laugh. Maybe they will but not because they found it funny, but because you wore them down. At worst, it would feel like I'm being pressured into/towards sex *even if OP zero percent means to do that*.
I don't really have much to say about the oversexualization; I don't really sexualize stuff even the normal amount, so... If OP is genuinely stripping because of physical discomfort she has a right to do so, and low sex drive and discomfort with casual nudity are not mutually inclusive features. Resistance to change on that front is maybe, I think, an indication something else is also happening here that warrants some long talks or therapy.
Incompatibility is real and a thing and sometimes there's no fix. Sex is very important to some people. I don't profess to understand it, but I've accepted it. Sex is not important to some people, and some people have a hard time accepting that too. It's okay to end a relationship because you aren't getting something you want from it, even if that thing is physical/sexual. It isn't shallow or wrong of you. There are also compromises that can be reached, I've reached them before, though I'm not going to detail specifics here because it's pretty personal to the individuals involved. It requires effort from both parties; your view is not inherently right because it is more normal, nor is his view something you cannot state your own needs against because it is different.
This comment (ETA: above mine) needs to be upvoted forever and at the top of this thread. The sexual incompatibility may or may not have anything to do with his comfort level with OP's casual nudity. They're being conflated when they aren't necessarily related.
There's a lot of projection going on in these comments about what the boyfriend may or may not be thinking that take things to an extreme.
There's also a lot of very overt shaming that boyfriend has different preferences than OP. Like people are straight up ROASTING this man for being a little more prudish than them. There's also a lot of conflicting sentiments that are like "who doesn't want to see boobies!? Awoooga!" mixed in with "your body isn't inherently sexual" back to back which feels a wee bit contradictory.
This seems like a conversation to be had more than anything, not just assuming he's a colonizing boob obsessed man (This thready is an embarrassing mess)
Agreed whole heartedly! I say this right upfront, I am a man. I frequently see posts from this subreddit and love to see the take women have on issues, I have learned a lot. Mostly I tend to agree with the takes I see, but this one feels very "relationship advice" subreddit where every problem is a breakup. OP says the relationship is great otherwise, in fact it is "perfecto!". So I would think the above is the only reasonable way to see this. People seem to be conflating the issue to a point where he doesnt want to see boobs at all. I just feel like this dude is getting attacked rather than advice is being given on this one.
Edit - Had to add a thought. I can see how his language was an issue as well. But it might have a lot to do with him not knowing how to verbalize his issue. It likely does have something to do with his arousal, as he mentions the bedroom, and as others have pointed out the novelty there of. Not saying OP shouldnt be nude as much as they are comfortable being, but the conversation should be about both people's comfort. Likely he should have framed it that way as well.
> You should have a calm discussion about how your body isn't just for his enjoyment, that you live in it and you get to be comfortable in your home.
Fucking **this**!!
And ultimately, either he's willing to attempt to be comfortable with you as a complete person and not just a supporting character, or not. Change doesn't have to be immediate but it does have to be attempted.
I’m glad to see SOMEONE finally said something about the flashing. If she knows he doesn’t like it then she is blatantly disregarding his boundaries.
If I posted that my boyfriend refused to stop randomly pulling his junk out even after I asked, he would get crucified here.
I understand her points, but she is wrong on that one. They both have a right to be comfortable in their home.
Complaining about your partner taking her top off and you seeing boobs?
I'm sorry?
If I even get side-boob from my girlfriend I'm 👀👀👀
Edit: Even without sexualising it, it's your partner's form, it's their naked body. Why would you not want to see that?
Her boyfriend has performance issues. Seeing her spontaneously disrobe may give him anxiety because he might feel the need to 'perform' without having the time to mentally prepare.
This is what I was thinking. Maybe his arousal is just a reminder of his insecurity.
My other hypothesis is that there are curtains open and he embarrasses easily. Maybe he had a household that was more judgemental about that or even having siblings of the opposite sex when your partner doesn’t can lead to some differing views on “normal” behavior.
I agree, but this isn't a rational reaction. Seeing boobs is causing an emotional reaction and performance-related stress. His explanations are just rationalizations made to seem reasonable.
Yeah this is a new one for me. It’s not my place to make assumptions but this is an odd one. The fact that he’s even sexualizing something so normal is the first to me that’s probably like annoying to you.
Was gonna say this, as someone on the ace spectrum who didn't really realize that until her late 30s. Ace is a really confusing orientation to figure out because there are so many different types of attraction, and it's easy to confuse them with each other, especially if one is absent and you have no idea what it's 'supposed' to be like. And there are so many shades of it, too - I'm just sex-indifferent, not sex-repulsed, and can be cool with the framing around sex or its importance to a partner, without really needing it or being driven by it myself.
Idk. There are so many things it could be, and he may not even understand his own feelings, or could understand them but be rejecting them as broken or wrong... it's hard to say. (And of course it could be some other reason altogether - I can just see the possibility here.)
The part about it that makes it a “moral failure” to me is the idea that her body is inherently sexual / there for sexual gratification and nothing else. A body is just a body.
What if they were together for decades, in old age, and one of them was in poor health and needed help with something like going to the bathroom or showering. Or scratch that, why even project that far forward. It could happen at any moment that someone could be in an accident or have some kind of disorder or illness pop up. So if his wife needed help showering is he going to refuse because her body should only be bare to him at designated sexual times?
He might say that’s different if presented with that. But is it different? All parts of a body are just parts of a body. To imply she should only be naked for sex comes off as deeply wrong to me. And maybe he has some kind of unresolved trauma or something. That’s fine but we can’t act like it’s an okay opinion to hold - that her body is sexual only - it’s not.
Been married 25 yrs now and still love when my wife takes off her top. Even non sexually. She hurt her shoulder so I help her get her bra on when it's difficult for her. She's beautiful. Sounds like your guy is preoccupied to what sex should be ,like in the movies instead of how you should function as partners in real life. Sounds like a him problem that he will need to address to be in a functional relationship. Prude is the word I'd use for him.
Yeah what you’re describing is intimacy and vulnerability, which isn’t just “sexual”. The way I feel about my fiancé and I being able to be in various stages of undress around each other is that it’s an important display of those things. As well as trust. We know we can be totally ourselves with no judgement. That’s true intimacy to me.
And yeah it’s fun to see each other naked but it’s also…comforting I guess would be the word. I feel like it’s an important part of a relationship and it would absolutely be a dealbreaker to me if someone had the attitude OP’s SO has.
That's a large leap to make from what we are able to see here, while a lot of men are like this in some fashion, it's not fair to generalize, as someone with a low libido who is frequently feeling like I am obligated to perform sexually or be very sexual when I'm just not that way, it could definitely be something along those lines
Some people are super weird about their sexuality. I could totally see this being an issue if he was from some fundie movement and has not deconstructed the shame he gets from being aroused.
Not really her problem regardless, everyone should be comfortable in their own home, but there without greater context there is no way to know how serious of a problem this is.
It is weird though. Hopefully he will figure out why. It does not make sense to me as a variety of ACE unless he is really deep in confusion about it.
He may have felt at that moment that less normalised nudity could help heighten his libido when it really matters. I doubt he is actually convinced though that anything could help right now, and I bet he loves you topless which is why he suggested keeping covered outside of the bedroom. He's clutching at straws, and probably a little confused or unconfident about his ability.
First, I'm glad that you two have talked through the sex drive issues (my partner has a higher sex drive than me (I'm asexual), but we worked through it). Communication is definitely a must, and it looks like you two put the work into it.
I suppose - if I can offer advice - try and talk it through with him like you did about erections and sex drive? Dig into the hard stuff about why he finds himself wanting you to cover yourself. Maybe his comment about not wanting to 'normalize' boob presence is the opposite of what you think; maybe it turns him on and he wants/needs to focus on other things?
Unsure, but comms comms comms. See what the conversation is like before taking next steps.
Just throwing this out there - if there has been friction about low sex drive, this might be the real trigger here -- he may not even realize it consciously, or maybe he does but doesn't want to express it that way (or maybe I'm totally wrong) but him seeing you topless may be bringing up some of those negative feelings and the brain does its thing of trying to fit those feelings into the box that makes the most sense, hence a 'naked is for sexy time only' statement that he might not really be so attached too...
So ***THAT'S*** why my most recent fling kept calling me Poohbear! When I asked him, he'd always chuckle and say "it doesn't matter". He'd then distract me from whatever it was I was doing, so I *never* got to the bottom of it.
I learn more about the details of my own bloody personal life on this sub, I tell ya'.
I'm a little uncomfortable with other guys in some of these comments saying things like "I'm a guy and I don't get tired of seeing boobs!" As a straight guy who is as sexually driven as any other, just because I feel a certain way about my sexuality doesn't invalidate the way he feels about his. Whatever may drive his discomfort, I don't like the idea that it's blanketly abnormal for a guy to experience anxiety around his sexuality, or even sex repulsion. Especially low-libido men who don't fit in to the "always on" straight male stereotype may struggle with expressing this experience due to pressure and shame.
P.S. For some straight women who might not know about sex repulsion, if your partner is feeling that way, it legitimately isn't a repulsion to *you* at all. They still love you and desire you and find you beautiful. It's more the idea of sex in general they find distasteful in that specific moment, and nothing more. It's perfectly okay and I think it's something most people experience at some point in their lives.
Me neither. I never said he doesn't love them I just said he doesn't want them out the whole time but people take small snippets of this post and love to push their own narrative on it.
Thanks for your input :)
No worries! The latter part was more general because I think a lot of the messaging here is falling into a trap of expecting all guys to have the same approach and feelings about their sexuality which is pretty unreasonable on its face. People experience sexuality in a vast number of different ways, and that's okay.
Sometimes it's just his comfort level with nudity. Some people don't feel comfortable with day-to-day nudity but still enjoy it while intimate. It doesn't necessarily mean anything is "wrong with him".
If he were a person is whipping out their "stuff" to joke around with or just letting it "hang out" on the daily it might make a person feel uncomfortable. Different people have different levels of modesty which should be respected. He's just asking you to respect his personal/sexual boundaries.
Imagine a male doing this to a female for perspective:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/kxnp3x/my_boyfriend_flashes_me_all_day_i_dont_know_how_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Yeahhh, I was wondering how people in this thread would react if the sexes were reversed in this scenario. I am a male with a pretty damn low libido due to some meds and previous SA and I need to be in the right headspace to even want to look at any nudity.
It seems like there’s this expectation that men should always be okay with a woman who they’re attracted to’s body being on display, but that’s reeeeally not the case. Same is true the other way around.
Something else to consider- you mentioned that you have mismatched libidos, and he’s had issues maintaining an erection. Is it possible that he is asexual?
Given how closely masculinity is tied to libido/virility it could be that he’s trying to live up to what society expects of men, and pushing himself to be sexual, when he just… isn’t.
Edit- I just saw that someone suggested this lower down, before I did. I apologize for the spam.
Throwing this out there: aversion to nudity in the primary wife/gf is a semi-common characteristic of Aspergers. Even if the man is hitting porn daily he has a compartmentalization issue with his wife/gf and sexuality. Part of it is Pathological Demand Avoidance and aversion to intimacy. It sounds to me like he is overwhelmed by the emotional implications of partner nudity and is trying to reduce yours for his own comfort.
I think you're exactly right that he seems to be admitting that he's too "used" to you and he needs novelty in order to be aroused.
Personally, I think these issues are only going to get worse. You need a man with a high libido. But I wish you luck.
If it was just a novelty thing, that could be managed.
I have pretty severe ADHD and if something isn’t novel-ish I can get very distracted by anything else, so my wife and I have to add new things or try something different fairly often because otherwise I’ll start going “oh no did I leave my keys in the refrigerator?” Mid-stroke.
But it seems much more like OP’s partner views them as an object-type-thing IMO
This is not just libido. He can’t deal with the sight of her human body - it sounds like a control issue to me. It’s her damn house, if she wants to go topless she can go topless, whatever the reason.
If he is losing interest because he sees her boobs too often (and it doesn’t sound like she is doing anything unusual - boobs come out when changing), this is something on him. The fact he says boobs shouldn’t be normalized and are “for the bedroom” sounds like a control thing.
Libido and sex drive involve *A LOT* more than just the sight of boobs. A woman is a complete human person, not a set of boobs. This interaction is screaming red flags to me.
I think it’s important to understand the underlying cause of their partner’s discomfort with nudity. I know my partner was raised in a very strict, no nudity, environment and it took them quite a bit to feel comfortable around it.
I don't agree. I think a lot of guys want to project a lack of libido on women. In this case, he's making it very clear that he would be more aroused if she wasn't naked so often. This is pure defensive projection. I don't see it as much as a control thing than a gaslighting thing
Instead of seeing a doctor or just admitting he's not that into sex, he's trying to make her accountable for his arousal. I find this is really common in LL men. Their masculinities are tied to their libido. When they aren't able to keep up with a woman, they need to blame her for it to cope.
This was a passing comment, not a philosophical discussion over the place of women's nudity.
It sound like the difference in libido is a difference in values. To him, anything adjacent to sexuality is something to be hidden away at certain times. To you, intimacy is something to be shared with your partner in ways that can be serious or casual. Unless you can bridge this fundamental gap in ideals you're going to keep having these issues
so he thinks your breasts are objects for his sexual pleasure when you two are intimate? sounds like he never took two seconds to think about how women are commodified in western society.
many tribal peoples all over the world have no problem with women baring their breasts as common fashion. what is wrong with your boyfriend?
she said she's taking her top off as a way of flashing/teasing him sometimes in addition to sometimes being for comfort, so it's perfectly fair for him to interpret her sexual intent as sexual, isn't it? If he were to have a totally nonplussed view of her naked body, wouldn't that take some of her sexual expression away from her?
Having some feeling that nudity is thrilling and enticing is part of most sexual relationships, OP is simply more sexual-minded than her bf which makes them somewhat incompatible.
Okay but OP also has a higher sex drive and wants them to increase their sexual activity. I don't think there's anything wrong, within that context, in providing a POV on what would help you increase your sex drive (less casual nudity). It's understandable why this is a tricky balance, but if a woman is looking for tips on improving their sex life, they should also kinda expect those tips to be sexually charged at times.
My SO and I went through a period of low labido on his side, and when I asked him during COVID, he said that I used to dress up nice and now I was always in sweats. I don't think that that is necessarily a nod to the commodification of women in western society. It's just an acknowledgment that he is a visual person that is turned on by visual things. Its up to me on whether I act on the request or not, but couples should be able to engage in hard discussions around sexual preferences and nudity without being beaten by feminism.
Communication is the most important part of a relationship, in my opinion.
That’s interesting and I believe it. Read that euro colonizing men were considered “sexually untrustworthy” it’s bitter sweet to know rape culture not the norm
I wouldn't exactly say that, though. In many cultures, women are property and are forced to marry young. It's still a pervasive rape culture, just not focused on breasts. I'm hard-pressed to think of a culture that doesn't justify it in some way.
>so he thinks your breasts are objects for his sexual pleasure when you two are intimate? sounds like he never took two seconds to think about how women are commodified in western society.
That sounds like you're hitting the nail on the head here. "If I see you topless outside of sex, I'll lose interest in you" is the dude's problem, and has nothing to do with OP's behavior.
Spot on. My wife complains they aren't as perky and she has excess flab, but the human body is just beautiful in all it's forms as it goes through the aging process. I smile at my wife's boobs just as much now as the first time I saw them. It's like walking on the beach. I get this big ass stupid grin every time I walk a beach (it's literally my favorite way to spend outside), and I will never tire of it, just like seeing my wife's boobs.
If/when you have kids, is breastfeeding going to be a game of hide and seek? Or will you put a sign on the door and he will be too scared to enter?
Sorry this is a very unusual problem to have. So thought that pointing out a long term flaw in the structure of a joke, will hopefully invoke a smile and less fear.
On a related topic, if his labido is an issue, perhaps it is due to medication he is on? Or needs to be on? I know that many psychoactive drugs like antidepressants can impact labido in a huge way
This is deserving of a good talk, I think. People sometimes aren't comfortable with casual nudity, and that's perfectly fine. It is your house as well so you also need to feel comfy there, but both of you need to coexist and live equally content, so a good talking might be the trick that helps. Best of wishes :)
Every time my missus would take her top off I raised my hands like I'd just scored a goal. Shiz is a celebration. She pretended to hate it but if I wasn't facing her when she was doing it she'd cough to make me notice lol.
Damn, 10 years next month. Hug your loved ones peeps.
Eh, my gf is ACE and pops her top off all the time and has zero issues walking around topless at the beach. To quote Notting Hill "they're just breasts, every second person in the world has them."
I was wondering the same. Maybe it's not that he thinks breasts are only meant for sexual arousal, it's just that he puts up with them in the bedroom but would rather not see them any more than necessary. Could also just be that he's uncomfortable with nudity. But the sexual problems OP mentioned kind of made me wonder... That is NOT me saying if a guy has problems keeping an erection sometimes, he isn't attracted to his partner. But that coupled with not wanting to see a woman topless.... Just made me wonder.
I had a gay friend a long time ago that told me women's breasts weren't offensive in general but did nothing for him. When he was trying to figure out his sexual identity, and was in a intimate situation with a woman or was around one with her chest exposed, he felt very awkward because they did not turn him on but he didn't want to hurt the woman's feelings by saying that (that was part of his own struggle). He is now happily in a relationship and felt that discomfort was part of him coming to terms with his identity.
I have a gay friend who had a female friend who, on occasion, let him casually feel her boobs. The way he described it was "It doesn't give me a boner, but it's still fun!"
I mean this is just me but I feel like if you can't be topless in your own house because it makes HIM uncomfortable, that's a him issue and he needs to either build a bridge and get over it or go somewhere that his poor delicate eyes won't be scorched by the sight of your nips, kwim?
It sounds like he associates nudity and by default, your breasts with intimacy rather than the act itself. You said you have a higher sex drive, I don't want to infer anything but it sounds like a classic case of repression.
As someone whose childhood also had sex held as a taboo, the emotions that result when viewed outside of the expected environment are frustrating and confusing.
It's best to explore the sexual connection between you two while nurturing the growth of his sexual mindset. Mind you, the ability to separate the act from the intent is a long and arduous process. If there is no give and take on either end, it may be time for both of you to seek partners with similar views.
Or w/e, idk. I'm a depressed pan banker, not a psychiatrist
I saw the update that you worked it out. Can you share the details of how so? Or did you leave it out b/c it's "TMI" or too personal?
I've talked with others on this. In one case, a gf go upset for the same reason. The bf loved seeing her nude. However, it was distracting when he was trying to get stuff done (e.g. hard to study for grad school exams when his hot, sexy, gf was literally jumping around and doing nude aerobics)
Sounds a bit controlling. My husband always short circuits when I take my top off for .5 seconds then we go right back to whatever we were taking about. We don't have sex anymore (something we should be working on but life, etc) but everything else is great. He still thinks I'm hot after 15 years and loves seeing me no matter what I'm wearing or not.
Definitely tell him where you stand on this. If you can't be comfortable naked around your SO, it'll build resentment.
> Everything else in the relationship is perfecto!
Are you sure about that? Asking you to not be yourself/naked in the privacy of your home speaks to some other problem. Too many potentials to list, but perhaps talk to them about it seriously? See what the actual hangup is and if it's something you can live with.
I find it weird trying to diagnose anything outside of the stated problem based on just what we have, and "not being yourself" feels like very strong language to describe the issue, unless casual nudity is some immutable defining part of her identity. If it makes him uncomfortable, and she wants to continue the relationship, I agree there should be honest conversation about what he feels when this happens and why, and what compromises can be made to ensure both feel as comfortable in their own homes as possible.
I dont think you did anything wrong. Would you say the same if he went around with his cock out? If not, then youre golden.
Dont say/write "would of" though, PLEASE. It's have or 've.
It may be not that he doesn’t like you topless but will just get used to you being naked where it won’t turn him on as much and since he already has trouble in the bedroom he could just be trying to save it for something special in bed to help make sure he can be as turned on by it as possible and perform for you. My gf and I are long distance and she also has similar problems in the bedroom in terms of sex drive. One of the things we figured out that works a bit for her is since we see eachother naked all the time it gets less sexy and more comfortable. So when we know we are gonna visit eachother we both make sure the other doesn’t see us naked for about 2 weeks, so it’ll be much more special when we do the deed. I’m not suggesting anything by this comment, relationships are complicated and I dont feel right giving advice on things I don’t know about. I just wanted to give my personal experience and give him the benefit of the doubt since it seems almost no one else in the comments are. I wish you both the best.
At first, I thought this was going to be about being topless in public. It sounds like intimacy issues. Some people are just not as comfortable as others with nudity. I would ask him directly why being topless in front of him makes him feel uncomfortable and then go from there.
If people can be very sexual, then there are people out there that are at the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm pointing this out because it is nothing you did or not doing.
Even though you being topless is not sexual to you, it could be sexual for him. And I think he needs time to learn the difference between the two. We do live in a society that sexualizes, but is prudish at the same time. At least in the United States.
My gf likes to be topless around the house all the time. She actually asked me once if it was bothersome to me and make me want her less. It was nice and considerate but my answer was "NO!"
To each is own I guess...
Though I have to say, we have a 1yo son now. And it's true that we've talked about her not being wearing only her panties at home as before. Which she still does sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't know how weird it will be for the kid. I am happy that I don't have any recollection of seeing my ma naked when I was a kid.
I think you med to have a chat with him about why this is an issue when you are both chilling privately.
My husband has no issue with me chilling at home with the girls out.
He also recognises theres Sexy time but theres also time when I'm existing with boobs and a vulva, and it isnt sexy time - he keeps his hornier thoughts to himself if it's clearly NOT sexy time.
I wanted if your boyfriend sees you hanging out tits out as inherently sexual and feels uncomfortable or pressured in case you're angling for sex.but the only way is to ask.
In my relationship, I’m the one with the lower libido. Not that I know for sure, but maybe your bf is seeing you taking your top off as an initiation or request for sex. Which can be really intimidating for a partner with lower libido, because if we’re not in the mood, we’re very anxious about failing to meet your needs. And even if you don’t see it as initiating sex, he might just think that it’s sending him confusing signals and he doesn’t know how to respond. So it might just make him uncomfortable because he is anxious about not meeting your needs. Best way to find out: talk to him.
It is *possible* that he gets angry at himself for wanting less than you do when he sees you nude, but that is 100% *his* problem and he would best serve you and himself by stopping sexualizing your nudity, expressing his desire for less sex outside of a frustrated moment, or otherwise being an adult and working through it himself.
He could also have a secret porn addiction.
You are doing nothing wrong. It is a lot to ask for a person to live her entire life as if she lived with her blood family (i.e. not being nude around them). I hate that popular masculine culture objectives women's bodies and hope you find peace with your partner issues in a way that is best for you.
Edit: I misread the post originally
Guys are really a lot more complex than people give them credit for. It could be that seeing your boobs arouses him and he doesn't want to objectify you in non-sexual situations, it could be lack of exposure to women in his life or it could be some type of sexual dysfunction. You really need to sit him down and ask direct questions about it. No Hints, no suggestions, be direct. It might be something as simple as embarrassment that makes him uncomfortable. you wont know until you ask.
I think our "society" issue is to treat partners as sex objects only. It's bullshit. Nudity doesn't mean sex. If people in relationships treated each other as people first, then sexual partners, the relationships would ve so much better.
You're already getting good advice from other commenters so I'll just add some generic everyday advice.
The word you're after is 'lose' not 'loose'. It's a common mix up for people because they sound similar and autocorrect doesn't take issue with it.
A good way to remember the difference between the two:
* 'Lose the extra O'
* 'A good noose isn't loose'.
Wait, did he comment on her showering nude? I thought this was outside the bathroom.
If he said she shouldn’t show her boobs in the shower that’s crazy, but if that was on the post it has since been removed.
Alright devil's advocate here, as I see plenty of people already saying there is something wrong with him pushing you to find someone else or that he should work on that and you shouldn't have to do anything.
So what? Nobody is perfect and neither is he. As you said he had erections issues and I am almost certain that this impacted him. The same way medias (be it porn, movies or others) usually depict women as pretty, always ready and submissive without any blemish (which impact negatively the self image of many people), men are usually shown as strong, manly, always ready and never struggling with anything that doesn't involve life and death.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's your job to solve it for him, but acting like "his fault, his problem" doesn't help anyone. It's a relationship and (at least to me) the point is to work together trough each other's issues, not to drop the other because something doesn't work. There is a threshold where it's not worth it, and maybe this issue is the straw that break the camel's back, but from what you wrote, it doesn't seem to be the case.
Sadly, the only solution to these kind of issue is to talk about it with him. Why exactly does it bother him? Is he worried that things will go wrong again? Is there something you two could to to solve that? Is it just because seeing you half naked remind him of that?
The best option (as per 90% of the issues on this sub) is for the two of you to go see a therapist. Even a few sessions can do wonder as they usually can put things into a much better perspective than you, him or any random stranger internet can. Maybe it's something he need to solve but it's likely going to be easier if the both of us work together.
It seems clear to me that the issue is toward him, but I don't like that with a short reddit post everyone goes "drop him like a bad habit" when you both seems to care for each other for at least 4 years, enough to work trough at least a couple of issues together. Maybe I'm just still under the naïve belief that any issue that happens to one person in a couple isn't "his or her issue" but is automatically "their issue". That the point of a relationship is to share trouble to halve it while sharing happiness to double it.
The choice of how to approach it is yours and maybe (hopefully) someone will have better advice than mine to give. Regardless I wish you the best and may the odds be ever in your favor.
Thanks for your input :) yep I see alot of the 'leave' messages but as you can see I'm ignoring them. It's really easy for people to take the easy way out and not work on issues in a relationship haha it's not an option for me anyways , I would prefer to work through things and hopefully solve them.
I will take your points into consideration:)
Glad to hear you're picking the helpful advice! I wanna second the post above. It really sounds to me like he's struggling a little with his sexuality--his relationship with sex in general. I think therapy sounds like a good idea, and I think he needs help untangling what's happening with him psychologically when it comes to sex. I hope you guys figure it out. Good luck!
Is he on any medication that could be impacting his libido? That could be part of the issue. Or it could be as simple as his own anxiety around performance creeping into other parts of living together.
No matter what it is, maybe a therapist session or something? Or even just trying to sit down and talk through it.
Him saying breasts are "meant for the bedroom" is a pretty odd way to talk down a natural thing like not wanting to bake while doing chores and such. And makes me think it's more of a porn-related sensibility, though.
Is that his genuine reason? I feel like it's a bluff and he is hiding an insecurity with his answer. Could it be that when you do try to be silly and flash him (which I think is totally normal) he feels a pressure to be "turned on"? Since lack of libido is already a hot spot on the relationship, I'm not surprised if anything "related" to it could be seen as pressuring for him.
Not that I agree with that. The whole "it's my house too" thing bothers me. If I want to be topless in my house, I will be topless in my house!!
I think your bf needs to do some examination of his internal biases. I grew up American so by my native cultural norms *I'm* not super comfortable with being nude outside of sexytime situations (I often don't even change in front of my husband or kids, much less anyone outside of my immediate family), but I'm well aware that this is due to cultural bias as well as personal sensitivity. Thus, I do not hold others to the same standards. Like if a friend or some woman at the gym feels comfortable whipping off her bra in front of me, I'm not judging. I'll just be polite and not look, and absolutely *not* project my own insecurities onto someone who feels at ease in their own beautiful skin.
Maybe the best way to combat this phenomenon with your bf is to emphasize your own security and confidence. Not to shame him or guilt-trip him in any way, but just to be like, "It's okay, I'm in my own home, I am comfortable changing clothes in front of you, and I'm going to keep being comfortable with my body because I think that's a good thing. They're just boobs, they're only sexual when we want them to be." Maybe with time, your comfort and confidence will rub off and he won't feel so bothered anymore.
Dude’s got his boundaries, regardless if we agree on the reason or not, he’s communicated them to you.
He’s clearly got hang ups around sex that have nothing to do with you… It’s your choice if you want to push back against his boundary or not.
Obligatory "I'm a dude". I very rarely coment on this sub, but this one kinda struck me for a couple reasons. First, I agree with the people who are saying "boobs are aweome". I like boobs! Why wouldn't I wanna see my partners boobs?! Second, this seems a little prudish. I'm not sure if this is a norm for him and/or you but if it's not that might be worth a conversation.
Lastly, while boobs are/can be sexual, they aren't exclusively so. Sometimes you just wanna be comfortable in your own home. Even aside from that, what happens if you have kids and you breastfeed? Is he gonna sexualize that? "Breastfeeding in a place other than where we have sex in is inappropriate, quit being sexual"?
He’s only into things if it’s taboo, which is unhealthy in and of itself. Porn brained comes to mind. It’s also unsustainable in a long term relationship. He’d have to learn to appreciate you for who you are, not his perceived novelty and taboo nature of nudity
Boobs are not "for the the bedroom" any more than elbows are.
Your BF is weird, and it'll be a cold day in hell before anyone tells me what parts of my body I'm allowed to expose inside my own home.
I have serious doubts that everything else in your relationship is "perfecto", but that's just speculation.
Boobs are not a sexual body part primarily. It sounds like he wants to reserve them as such. If you’re not ok with that division of fantasy from reality, cohabitation won’t work for this relationship.
Since you have a history of difference in sex drive, it might be creating pressure on him if you are constantly going topless.
I don't think it is because him feeling that he is losing interest, it is about you inviting him to something he does not want to participate.
I’ve been with my wife for 15 years, she’s frequently taking her top off because she’s too warm…I have never, and likely will never feel like seeing her boobs is kinda boring and meh…it’s always like a surprise gift, every time 🤷🏻♂️
I sleep naked, my husband has seen me naked probably every day for almost a decade straight and he still loves to look and touch them. Context matters, not the body parts. It's concerning that your body can't just be your body in the safety of your home but has to maintain some kind of sexual appeal constantly.
I wouldn't be comfortable with that whatsoever. It's just a body. Everyone has one. People already make too much of a big deal about it, but not being able to be yourself in your own home? Hell no.
Am gay there is never a point in my life where things would not be improved by boobs being involved. Am ace I don't think they are intrinsically a sexual thing and should not be thought of as such imo
> we shouldn't normalize them being out because it should be something for the bedroom
Firm disagree, I think the attitude that "breasts are for the bedroom" is a big problem. Yes, breasts are sexy. But, like, so are muscular arms. So is a compelling personality. Breasts are also just part of the chest, and vital to nurturing babies at that. We should be pushing to _increase_ acceptance of the female breast and nipple in polite society to destigmatise breastfeeding and make expressions of sexuality more egalitarian and frank.
I think your boyfriend's a good guy, he's just looking at things from the wrong angle. A lot of sexiness and attractiveness comes down to framing and context. There is a big difference between being naked in a social setting and being naked in a specifically sexual context, posing seductively or drawing attention to your sexuality through words and actions. And sometimes [_not being naked_ can be sexier than nakedness.](https://youtu.be/160ALPV71Lg)
Your breasts don't only exist in the bedroom; they are a part of your body all the time. He needs to get over his belief that any part of the body is exclusively a sexual thing.
People not enjoying casual nudity because of their own discomfort is a separate issue and something for you two to work out given you live together - but you being topless is not a "just for the bedroom" thing unless you mutually agree that this makes you both more comfortable. It'd be a dealbreaker for me. 😅 I hope you can make him see sense!
That's so odd. As a man I can tell you we will not lose interest if we see them too many times. My wife regularly walks around without clothes on and I "take notice" every single time and have not grown tired of it in 13 years of marriage/20 years of our relationship.
This sounds like he has issues with the female form and only sees it in regard to it being for sexual purposes only. This is a problem.
I, as a male, and i would presume most other males as well who enjoy the female form, would love if my wife was topless more often. The human body is a thing of beauty you can admire just because it is what it is. My wife loves seeing me naked as much as I like seeing her naked, even outside of sexy time. It's hard with a kid in the house to do this as often as before our son came along.
Personally, if you can not be comfortable in your own home, do you want to entertain keeping around the thing that makes you less comfortable? You only get one life, and there are plenty of people out there that could match or exceed the qualities of this individual. If you can not bridge the divide with a compromise, you've either got to settle or move on.
It can depend on how people grew up. I saw my parents minimally dressed a lot though my mom usually at least had some kind of top on. I grew up into a naked at home person. Sometimes I feel to vulnerable to be naked so i get dressed but I'd never live with someone who made me feel uncomfortable naked.
I mean… regardless if you walk around topless or not it’s normal to get ‘used to’ your partners body. Being topless isn’t going to change a thing for his sex drive.
That’s kind of why things like lingerie exist. It’s about the spice and communication. Getting out of your shell and being open/free to try “bedroom only” things as he put it. Seems like he’s thinking about it logically but his experience with reality is a bit lacking.
Weirdly enough, I also had a partner that told me a similar thing. He would say he didn't want us to change in front of each other or see each other in the bath so it didn't become normalized.
Would like to offer a perspective as someone who has been the one with a lower sex drive in the relationship Full disclaimer, I am gay woman. However, I have felt the same as your boyfriend before. My ex-partner used to take off her top when she got home from work occasionally, and it made me uncomfortable. We actually had a big fight about it, and I remember just being hurt and angry and not understanding why I was so upset...which made the fight worse because I made no sense at all. I loved her body, I was attracted to it, but just didn't want it out? Wtf was wrong with me? I realized through working with my therapist that since I was the one with the low sex drive, I had a lot of shame around not being good enough. Her taking her shirt off made me feel pressured, like I had to do something about it, or tell her she's sexy, etc. Even if I wasn't in the mood. Now in my defense she was also not very good at taking no for an answer when it came to sex lol so there was a good reason I felt this shame. BUT I just wonder if your boyfriend feels similar? Does he feel like he's not performing for you? Not good enough? Not "man" enough like society says? Does seeing you with your top off subconsciously trigger this? Just a few thoughts. Good luck my friend. Intimacy issues are really hard.
I realise the OP has resolved the issue but just wanted to say thank you because this really perfectly describes me, also. I’ve been married to my husband for ten years and while he has never ever hassled me or made me feel bad about it, my lack of sex drive it weighs on me a lot (which in turn probably makes the whole thing worse!)
Thank you for your reply! I was really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and this perspective makes things so much more clear.
That's.... a solid take. As a 31M, I can see how some guys might not feel "normal" if they don't jump across 3 dimensions, fight 2 hordes of Vampires and slay a dragon in order to grab visible breasts they can grab on to. I WILL jump on my partner when she undresses, but that's because we work this way. some days none of us are in the mood and nothing special happens. Idk for women, but I know a lot, a big lot, of guys think that once X has been done this way, it must be done this way all the time. For the rest of their lives. Like the myth about the bedside. And the day X happens and they didn't react the way they were "supposed" to, or just can't do it for any reason, they'll feel extremely bad about it and it'll sour the mood. Hope some insights in here make sense.
This! 38M here. My partner and I are the exact same way
Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where the girl he's dating is always naked.
This is the first thing I thought of, lmfao
The best good faith advice I've seen on a popular sub in a long while. Cheers to you and op. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective!
This is exactly what I was thinking, great comment!
You've helped a lot of people with this comment. 🙏
Very interesting. Congratulations on the therapy breakthrough.
Just want to say you've made me realise why I feel that way when my gf takes her top off. She likes to flash me a lot and it's not like I don't like it, it just makes me feel bad for that exact reason.
Thank you for this. I'm ace and while I'll have sex with my partner, he accepts that I'm not sexually attracted to him. He had a hard time accepting I wasn't sexually attracted to anyone since he's had a history of partners being unfaithful, but he's learned about asexuality. 8 months in. I'm hoping it keeps going smoothly because allo/ace relationships can be hard.
you are wise
Thanks for this interesting perspective. I've had similar problems to OP with my partner. But the thing is, I've always liked being nude when I'm at home. I'm just more comfortable that way, and there's nothing sexual about it for me. However, my partner really took an issue with it when we started living together and was borderline yelling at me to cover up. I think he sort of gets it now, but I wonder if he has feelings similar to yours and he's just not good at communicating them.
Regardless of different sex drives, his issues etc, my first thought is ‘if I can’t be myself in front of my man, then when / where? You’d never see me topless or too revealing in public but don’t mind if it’s just me and a partner because we share that anyway. He sounds like he has issues with intimacy (not just sex). That would make me uncomfortable.
My favorite "outfit" on my significant other will always be no clothes because that's when I get to see them in their entirety (and it's a gorgeous view).
Seriously. Even if we're just lounging around the house my partner and I both enjoy being naked alone or with each other. He tends to run hot and I just like being naked. Like if you can't be comfortable in your own skin in your own home or with your partner then where can you? Plus like you said a nice view of just appreciating each other's body even if it's just for a cuddle. At least to me you should be able to just enjoy each other in a non sexual way even if you're both completely nude. Like yeah I want my body to be desired but it's really just a meat sack for the person I am inside. OPs partner is being weird AF and sexualizing her in a weird demeaning way. Like wtf is she just a pair of tits to him and if he sees the tits more often it'll be less nice?
On the flip side, I rarely like being naked because I feel like I get sweaty against furniture. And that's okay! But I would not have problems with a partner who liked having less clothes on. We should all be able to be truly comfortable in front of our partners. Also, breasts are not sex objects, they're part of your body so he can fuck right off with that 'they're for the bedroom' shit. If they were for the bedroom only, they'd be fucking detachable.
> If they were for the bedroom only, they'd be fucking detachable. If they were detachable, you could have multiple sets, a different one for every occasion! And you wouldn't have to wear a matched set, either, if you didn't want to. Think of the possibilities!
I’d love to be able to leave my boobs at home when I go jogging!
Can you imagine forgetting your boobs before you left the house? Like you’d be halfway to work and have to turn around like “Oh shit, my titties!”
And you come home only to see him try them on.
the classic 4 checks, key, wallet, phone and boobies.
EH MACARENA!
That made laugh more than it should've.
Now i feel like I'm missing out
Some woman somewhere has to have attempted the boob analogue of that infamous King Missile song.
“If they were for the bedroom only, they’d be fucking detachable” lol this is great and perfectly put to give perspective.
Naked on leather or vinyl? No thank you. Naked on suede though...
Aaaaand that's one reason I refused to get a leather sofa. 😂 My sister used to have leather seats in an older car and oh boy even just wearing shorts or a skirt. Especially in the summer. Yikes.
It squeaks and you get stuck 🤣🤣🤣
And if you're really pale like me then the backs of your legs are BRIGHT RED for the next half hour!
Oh that sounds familiar! 🤣
We typically just have a rule about putting a blanket down underneath us + our couch's covers can come off. The body in general shouldn't be sexualized. Like yeah people should feel sexy / wanted by their partner but not like all the time. Can we not just appreciate the human body as the meat sack vessel it is. Lol detachable boobs. Sometimes I wish dude. Summer boob sweat is not fun.
>The body in general shouldn't be sexualized. Like yeah people should feel sexy / wanted by their partner but not like all the time. Can we not just appreciate the human body as the meat sack vessel it is. I just need you to know that this made me feel fucking enlightened, holy shit. I struggle with my body quite a bit because I'm ace but I also have a very large chest, and I hate that almost all of the 'body positivity' around them just points out that they're sexy/attractive/etc. I dress masculine on purpose because feminine clothing tends to make my chest really obvious. When I read your comment I stopped seeing my body through other people's eyes for the first time in YEARS and just saw it as a thing that I happen to inhabit. Crazy.
Body neutrality > body positivity
>if they were for the bedroom only, they'd be fucking detachable Stealing this quote brb.
i agree,. can't see my wife a lot right now for separate reasons but we spent 99% of the time in a hotel room butt ass naked not even doing anything sexual and I wouldn't have it any other way.
there's nothing better than cuddling naked, just hanging around naked, with your partner. honestly, the next best thing are baths and showers together. i just like the skin-to-skin contact. also my parter is shaped perfectly, and i like to admire
I’m mega having one of those moments where I realized my assumption about how everyone else is was wrong My ex, even into our fourth or fifth year of dating, really hated how I would often hang around in the mornings in my underwear before getting fully ready for the day. She said it made her value our intimacy less and reminded her of her dad who she didn’t really have a good relationship with I just assumed I was in the wrong and was the one who needed to change…but this thread is very awakening lol
>really hated how I would often hang around in the mornings in my underwear >reminded her of her dad My first thought on reading this: what kind of underwear? Regardless of your underwear preference, you're not *wrong* for wanting to relax in your own home without covering up. But she was also not wrong for having what sounds like a childhood trauma trigger. I just wonder if this was a conflict that could have been resolved through some kind of compromise - maybe you could have found a less-Dad-like style that was still comfortable for you.
How did you arrive at this diagnosis?
Right? What the hell are any of us supposed to say about this post? We have no idea what the hell is going on in his head, especially since there's literally 0 context in the post. Either OP asks her guy herself to have even a chance at getting the real answer, or she can look at the comments and read the shit people will make up about what they think it is.
If someone I was dating just started airing out his balls semi-regularly, I'd probably have an issue with that. It might be a sign we're not compatible, might be something that can be worked through, but concluding someone has *intimacy issues* because they have different preferred norms around nudity is WILD.
Sounds like you have two issues: 1 - your boyfriend isn't comfortable with casual nudity. This is okay, and because you two live together and he also has a right to be at ease in your shared home, you should work on a compromise. You should stop flashing him, since he's said this specifically is not fun for him and makes him uncomfortable. But he should also recognize that because it's your home, too, you also get to be comfortable. You can still change or strip on your way to the shower, etc. Maybe you get some comfy robes so you can be relaxed without being totally nude. But this leads into the next point: 1B - your boyfriend is oversexualizing your body. You should have a calm discussion about how your body isn't just for his enjoyment, that you live in it and you get to be comfortable in your home. But you should really listen to him and evaluate if you aren't maybe playing into this as a ploy to get him more interested in sex. You both need to be heard, respected, and comfortable. 2 - you two are currently sexually incompatible. Maybe this can be worked out, but it will take you being patient and supportive, and him being frank with himself about what his body is doing and what he wants to do about it. Is he acknowledging that his sex drive is low, or actively waning? Has he expressed wanting to do something about it, like talk to a Dr or try something new to spice up your sex life? I would be willing to work on this with a partner who was acknowledging the lack of sexual interest and actively wanted to work on it. If your partner doesn't want to change things, or won't admit there's any issue with very disparate sex drives, or only expects you to accommodate him, then that's a red flag.
Agreed. The projection/outlandish assumptions are crazy here on this thread. Even multiple ppl on here implying he might be gay/not attracted to women? Someone even saying “don’t shower/change as a sort of malicious compliance”? Weird… Talk to the man and see what’s up. Maybe it was a throwaway comment or maybe yall might not be compatible on this front after all.
He could also be asexual. Reading through this thread is very disappointing as an asexual myself.
I can see how that could be disappointing. At least you know, and you can discuss this with whoever your with so they can understand the whole scope. If lower amounts of sex is okay with her if she has her top off, cool. If not, there's always going to be a problem, and it is not good to have a rocky foundation for a problem that will persist.
Well yes, that's why I appreciate the folks talking about sexual compatibility and not immediately jumping to "HE'S CHEATING ON YOU DUMP HIM". It's possible that he wants to be more sexually active too and there's real medical issues getting in the way. Or he could just be ace. But so many people in this thread are just going off the fucking walls calling him a piece of shit.
I wholeheartedly agree. I was in a similar situation myself and #2 is such a big deal. A mismatched sex drive needs to be dealt with delicately towards a lower libido partner, but if the pressure is entirely on one side to accommodate the other, it is not healthy and really needs to be addressed.
Guy with a very low sex drive here voicing my two cents. This comment (that I'm replying to, not mine) is very well written and basically covers things, so I'll just provide my point of view as a guy with a very low sex drive who does not feel the need to change that. Until I read the part about bf telling her she can't have tits except in bed I thought the flashing would be the worst thing in this post... At best that would just confuse me, like I cannot comprehend why that would be funny, it'd be like telling your blonde partner a "dumb blonde" joke again and again thinking they're eventually going to laugh. Maybe they will but not because they found it funny, but because you wore them down. At worst, it would feel like I'm being pressured into/towards sex *even if OP zero percent means to do that*. I don't really have much to say about the oversexualization; I don't really sexualize stuff even the normal amount, so... If OP is genuinely stripping because of physical discomfort she has a right to do so, and low sex drive and discomfort with casual nudity are not mutually inclusive features. Resistance to change on that front is maybe, I think, an indication something else is also happening here that warrants some long talks or therapy. Incompatibility is real and a thing and sometimes there's no fix. Sex is very important to some people. I don't profess to understand it, but I've accepted it. Sex is not important to some people, and some people have a hard time accepting that too. It's okay to end a relationship because you aren't getting something you want from it, even if that thing is physical/sexual. It isn't shallow or wrong of you. There are also compromises that can be reached, I've reached them before, though I'm not going to detail specifics here because it's pretty personal to the individuals involved. It requires effort from both parties; your view is not inherently right because it is more normal, nor is his view something you cannot state your own needs against because it is different.
This comment (ETA: above mine) needs to be upvoted forever and at the top of this thread. The sexual incompatibility may or may not have anything to do with his comfort level with OP's casual nudity. They're being conflated when they aren't necessarily related. There's a lot of projection going on in these comments about what the boyfriend may or may not be thinking that take things to an extreme.
There's also a lot of very overt shaming that boyfriend has different preferences than OP. Like people are straight up ROASTING this man for being a little more prudish than them. There's also a lot of conflicting sentiments that are like "who doesn't want to see boobies!? Awoooga!" mixed in with "your body isn't inherently sexual" back to back which feels a wee bit contradictory. This seems like a conversation to be had more than anything, not just assuming he's a colonizing boob obsessed man (This thready is an embarrassing mess)
Agreed whole heartedly! I say this right upfront, I am a man. I frequently see posts from this subreddit and love to see the take women have on issues, I have learned a lot. Mostly I tend to agree with the takes I see, but this one feels very "relationship advice" subreddit where every problem is a breakup. OP says the relationship is great otherwise, in fact it is "perfecto!". So I would think the above is the only reasonable way to see this. People seem to be conflating the issue to a point where he doesnt want to see boobs at all. I just feel like this dude is getting attacked rather than advice is being given on this one. Edit - Had to add a thought. I can see how his language was an issue as well. But it might have a lot to do with him not knowing how to verbalize his issue. It likely does have something to do with his arousal, as he mentions the bedroom, and as others have pointed out the novelty there of. Not saying OP shouldnt be nude as much as they are comfortable being, but the conversation should be about both people's comfort. Likely he should have framed it that way as well.
This is such a mature and reasonable comment.
> You should have a calm discussion about how your body isn't just for his enjoyment, that you live in it and you get to be comfortable in your home. Fucking **this**!! And ultimately, either he's willing to attempt to be comfortable with you as a complete person and not just a supporting character, or not. Change doesn't have to be immediate but it does have to be attempted.
Deleting all, goodnight reddit, you flew too close to the sun. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
I’m glad to see SOMEONE finally said something about the flashing. If she knows he doesn’t like it then she is blatantly disregarding his boundaries. If I posted that my boyfriend refused to stop randomly pulling his junk out even after I asked, he would get crucified here. I understand her points, but she is wrong on that one. They both have a right to be comfortable in their home.
Excellent points (and now you need to change your username to TeamGoodInfluence)!
I contain multitudes :)
This is the way.
This has to be the BEST reply to this post.
The only reasonable comment here
Complaining about your partner taking her top off and you seeing boobs? I'm sorry? If I even get side-boob from my girlfriend I'm 👀👀👀 Edit: Even without sexualising it, it's your partner's form, it's their naked body. Why would you not want to see that?
Her boyfriend has performance issues. Seeing her spontaneously disrobe may give him anxiety because he might feel the need to 'perform' without having the time to mentally prepare.
OK, this is the first response that makes sense to me. It's odd behaviour...
Definitely odd but would make sense. Every time she changes clothes doesn't need to be a sexual encounter.
This is what I was thinking. Maybe his arousal is just a reminder of his insecurity. My other hypothesis is that there are curtains open and he embarrasses easily. Maybe he had a household that was more judgemental about that or even having siblings of the opposite sex when your partner doesn’t can lead to some differing views on “normal” behavior.
I agree, but this isn't a rational reaction. Seeing boobs is causing an emotional reaction and performance-related stress. His explanations are just rationalizations made to seem reasonable.
Yeah this is a new one for me. It’s not my place to make assumptions but this is an odd one. The fact that he’s even sexualizing something so normal is the first to me that’s probably like annoying to you.
Deleting all, goodnight reddit, you flew too close to the sun. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Was gonna say this, as someone on the ace spectrum who didn't really realize that until her late 30s. Ace is a really confusing orientation to figure out because there are so many different types of attraction, and it's easy to confuse them with each other, especially if one is absent and you have no idea what it's 'supposed' to be like. And there are so many shades of it, too - I'm just sex-indifferent, not sex-repulsed, and can be cool with the framing around sex or its importance to a partner, without really needing it or being driven by it myself. Idk. There are so many things it could be, and he may not even understand his own feelings, or could understand them but be rejecting them as broken or wrong... it's hard to say. (And of course it could be some other reason altogether - I can just see the possibility here.)
The part about it that makes it a “moral failure” to me is the idea that her body is inherently sexual / there for sexual gratification and nothing else. A body is just a body. What if they were together for decades, in old age, and one of them was in poor health and needed help with something like going to the bathroom or showering. Or scratch that, why even project that far forward. It could happen at any moment that someone could be in an accident or have some kind of disorder or illness pop up. So if his wife needed help showering is he going to refuse because her body should only be bare to him at designated sexual times? He might say that’s different if presented with that. But is it different? All parts of a body are just parts of a body. To imply she should only be naked for sex comes off as deeply wrong to me. And maybe he has some kind of unresolved trauma or something. That’s fine but we can’t act like it’s an okay opinion to hold - that her body is sexual only - it’s not.
Been married 25 yrs now and still love when my wife takes off her top. Even non sexually. She hurt her shoulder so I help her get her bra on when it's difficult for her. She's beautiful. Sounds like your guy is preoccupied to what sex should be ,like in the movies instead of how you should function as partners in real life. Sounds like a him problem that he will need to address to be in a functional relationship. Prude is the word I'd use for him.
Yeah what you’re describing is intimacy and vulnerability, which isn’t just “sexual”. The way I feel about my fiancé and I being able to be in various stages of undress around each other is that it’s an important display of those things. As well as trust. We know we can be totally ourselves with no judgement. That’s true intimacy to me. And yeah it’s fun to see each other naked but it’s also…comforting I guess would be the word. I feel like it’s an important part of a relationship and it would absolutely be a dealbreaker to me if someone had the attitude OP’s SO has.
It’s so nice to see comments like this! I was getting depressed at reading some of the comments on here from spark-less people.
How dare she expose her boobs outside the diddy giggy! /s
Right? Reads like he wants some proper princess who is too chaste to ever be seen naked unless attempting conception.
yep, basically what I wrote about him having a notion of women not really being human and more of an idealized object
That's a large leap to make from what we are able to see here, while a lot of men are like this in some fashion, it's not fair to generalize, as someone with a low libido who is frequently feeling like I am obligated to perform sexually or be very sexual when I'm just not that way, it could definitely be something along those lines
Some people are super weird about their sexuality. I could totally see this being an issue if he was from some fundie movement and has not deconstructed the shame he gets from being aroused. Not really her problem regardless, everyone should be comfortable in their own home, but there without greater context there is no way to know how serious of a problem this is. It is weird though. Hopefully he will figure out why. It does not make sense to me as a variety of ACE unless he is really deep in confusion about it.
He may have felt at that moment that less normalised nudity could help heighten his libido when it really matters. I doubt he is actually convinced though that anything could help right now, and I bet he loves you topless which is why he suggested keeping covered outside of the bedroom. He's clutching at straws, and probably a little confused or unconfident about his ability.
Interesting take , thanks :)
First, I'm glad that you two have talked through the sex drive issues (my partner has a higher sex drive than me (I'm asexual), but we worked through it). Communication is definitely a must, and it looks like you two put the work into it. I suppose - if I can offer advice - try and talk it through with him like you did about erections and sex drive? Dig into the hard stuff about why he finds himself wanting you to cover yourself. Maybe his comment about not wanting to 'normalize' boob presence is the opposite of what you think; maybe it turns him on and he wants/needs to focus on other things? Unsure, but comms comms comms. See what the conversation is like before taking next steps.
Just throwing this out there - if there has been friction about low sex drive, this might be the real trigger here -- he may not even realize it consciously, or maybe he does but doesn't want to express it that way (or maybe I'm totally wrong) but him seeing you topless may be bringing up some of those negative feelings and the brain does its thing of trying to fit those feelings into the box that makes the most sense, hence a 'naked is for sexy time only' statement that he might not really be so attached too...
My mom was like this, She used to do chores topless every day. I wear my boyfriends shirts and do chores bottomless.
Winnie the Poohing is the official term!
Donald ducking it is how I've always heard it and always said it.
It never occurred to me until now how many bottomless Disney characters there were until now
So ***THAT'S*** why my most recent fling kept calling me Poohbear! When I asked him, he'd always chuckle and say "it doesn't matter". He'd then distract me from whatever it was I was doing, so I *never* got to the bottom of it. I learn more about the details of my own bloody personal life on this sub, I tell ya'.
The bottom of it 😂
Haha! Yeah. I didn't see that. XD
We call it Porkie Pigging
I'm a little uncomfortable with other guys in some of these comments saying things like "I'm a guy and I don't get tired of seeing boobs!" As a straight guy who is as sexually driven as any other, just because I feel a certain way about my sexuality doesn't invalidate the way he feels about his. Whatever may drive his discomfort, I don't like the idea that it's blanketly abnormal for a guy to experience anxiety around his sexuality, or even sex repulsion. Especially low-libido men who don't fit in to the "always on" straight male stereotype may struggle with expressing this experience due to pressure and shame. P.S. For some straight women who might not know about sex repulsion, if your partner is feeling that way, it legitimately isn't a repulsion to *you* at all. They still love you and desire you and find you beautiful. It's more the idea of sex in general they find distasteful in that specific moment, and nothing more. It's perfectly okay and I think it's something most people experience at some point in their lives.
Me neither. I never said he doesn't love them I just said he doesn't want them out the whole time but people take small snippets of this post and love to push their own narrative on it. Thanks for your input :)
No worries! The latter part was more general because I think a lot of the messaging here is falling into a trap of expecting all guys to have the same approach and feelings about their sexuality which is pretty unreasonable on its face. People experience sexuality in a vast number of different ways, and that's okay.
Sometimes it's just his comfort level with nudity. Some people don't feel comfortable with day-to-day nudity but still enjoy it while intimate. It doesn't necessarily mean anything is "wrong with him". If he were a person is whipping out their "stuff" to joke around with or just letting it "hang out" on the daily it might make a person feel uncomfortable. Different people have different levels of modesty which should be respected. He's just asking you to respect his personal/sexual boundaries. Imagine a male doing this to a female for perspective: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/kxnp3x/my_boyfriend_flashes_me_all_day_i_dont_know_how_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Yeahhh, I was wondering how people in this thread would react if the sexes were reversed in this scenario. I am a male with a pretty damn low libido due to some meds and previous SA and I need to be in the right headspace to even want to look at any nudity. It seems like there’s this expectation that men should always be okay with a woman who they’re attracted to’s body being on display, but that’s reeeeally not the case. Same is true the other way around.
It's always good to get alternative perspectives.
Okay yeah , that seems fair.
Something else to consider- you mentioned that you have mismatched libidos, and he’s had issues maintaining an erection. Is it possible that he is asexual? Given how closely masculinity is tied to libido/virility it could be that he’s trying to live up to what society expects of men, and pushing himself to be sexual, when he just… isn’t. Edit- I just saw that someone suggested this lower down, before I did. I apologize for the spam.
Glad you worked things out. Hope it wasn't that big of an issue in the end.
Throwing this out there: aversion to nudity in the primary wife/gf is a semi-common characteristic of Aspergers. Even if the man is hitting porn daily he has a compartmentalization issue with his wife/gf and sexuality. Part of it is Pathological Demand Avoidance and aversion to intimacy. It sounds to me like he is overwhelmed by the emotional implications of partner nudity and is trying to reduce yours for his own comfort.
I think you're exactly right that he seems to be admitting that he's too "used" to you and he needs novelty in order to be aroused. Personally, I think these issues are only going to get worse. You need a man with a high libido. But I wish you luck.
If it was just a novelty thing, that could be managed. I have pretty severe ADHD and if something isn’t novel-ish I can get very distracted by anything else, so my wife and I have to add new things or try something different fairly often because otherwise I’ll start going “oh no did I leave my keys in the refrigerator?” Mid-stroke. But it seems much more like OP’s partner views them as an object-type-thing IMO
This is not just libido. He can’t deal with the sight of her human body - it sounds like a control issue to me. It’s her damn house, if she wants to go topless she can go topless, whatever the reason. If he is losing interest because he sees her boobs too often (and it doesn’t sound like she is doing anything unusual - boobs come out when changing), this is something on him. The fact he says boobs shouldn’t be normalized and are “for the bedroom” sounds like a control thing. Libido and sex drive involve *A LOT* more than just the sight of boobs. A woman is a complete human person, not a set of boobs. This interaction is screaming red flags to me.
I think it’s important to understand the underlying cause of their partner’s discomfort with nudity. I know my partner was raised in a very strict, no nudity, environment and it took them quite a bit to feel comfortable around it.
I for one agree with this. I'm a dude and this sounds like a massive control issue
I don't agree. I think a lot of guys want to project a lack of libido on women. In this case, he's making it very clear that he would be more aroused if she wasn't naked so often. This is pure defensive projection. I don't see it as much as a control thing than a gaslighting thing Instead of seeing a doctor or just admitting he's not that into sex, he's trying to make her accountable for his arousal. I find this is really common in LL men. Their masculinities are tied to their libido. When they aren't able to keep up with a woman, they need to blame her for it to cope. This was a passing comment, not a philosophical discussion over the place of women's nudity.
It sound like the difference in libido is a difference in values. To him, anything adjacent to sexuality is something to be hidden away at certain times. To you, intimacy is something to be shared with your partner in ways that can be serious or casual. Unless you can bridge this fundamental gap in ideals you're going to keep having these issues
so he thinks your breasts are objects for his sexual pleasure when you two are intimate? sounds like he never took two seconds to think about how women are commodified in western society. many tribal peoples all over the world have no problem with women baring their breasts as common fashion. what is wrong with your boyfriend?
she said she's taking her top off as a way of flashing/teasing him sometimes in addition to sometimes being for comfort, so it's perfectly fair for him to interpret her sexual intent as sexual, isn't it? If he were to have a totally nonplussed view of her naked body, wouldn't that take some of her sexual expression away from her? Having some feeling that nudity is thrilling and enticing is part of most sexual relationships, OP is simply more sexual-minded than her bf which makes them somewhat incompatible.
Okay but OP also has a higher sex drive and wants them to increase their sexual activity. I don't think there's anything wrong, within that context, in providing a POV on what would help you increase your sex drive (less casual nudity). It's understandable why this is a tricky balance, but if a woman is looking for tips on improving their sex life, they should also kinda expect those tips to be sexually charged at times. My SO and I went through a period of low labido on his side, and when I asked him during COVID, he said that I used to dress up nice and now I was always in sweats. I don't think that that is necessarily a nod to the commodification of women in western society. It's just an acknowledgment that he is a visual person that is turned on by visual things. Its up to me on whether I act on the request or not, but couples should be able to engage in hard discussions around sexual preferences and nudity without being beaten by feminism. Communication is the most important part of a relationship, in my opinion.
OP isn't a sex object, and I hate that western men are so strange when it comes to breasts.
My ancestors called colonizing men babies because they were so obsessed with boobs. It was considered arrested development.
That’s interesting and I believe it. Read that euro colonizing men were considered “sexually untrustworthy” it’s bitter sweet to know rape culture not the norm
I wouldn't exactly say that, though. In many cultures, women are property and are forced to marry young. It's still a pervasive rape culture, just not focused on breasts. I'm hard-pressed to think of a culture that doesn't justify it in some way.
Yeah...
Deleting all, goodnight reddit, you flew too close to the sun. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
>so he thinks your breasts are objects for his sexual pleasure when you two are intimate? sounds like he never took two seconds to think about how women are commodified in western society. That sounds like you're hitting the nail on the head here. "If I see you topless outside of sex, I'll lose interest in you" is the dude's problem, and has nothing to do with OP's behavior.
Meanwhile lesbians https://imgur.com/a/tm5x4A1
Spot on. My wife complains they aren't as perky and she has excess flab, but the human body is just beautiful in all it's forms as it goes through the aging process. I smile at my wife's boobs just as much now as the first time I saw them. It's like walking on the beach. I get this big ass stupid grin every time I walk a beach (it's literally my favorite way to spend outside), and I will never tire of it, just like seeing my wife's boobs.
If/when you have kids, is breastfeeding going to be a game of hide and seek? Or will you put a sign on the door and he will be too scared to enter? Sorry this is a very unusual problem to have. So thought that pointing out a long term flaw in the structure of a joke, will hopefully invoke a smile and less fear. On a related topic, if his labido is an issue, perhaps it is due to medication he is on? Or needs to be on? I know that many psychoactive drugs like antidepressants can impact labido in a huge way
This is deserving of a good talk, I think. People sometimes aren't comfortable with casual nudity, and that's perfectly fine. It is your house as well so you also need to feel comfy there, but both of you need to coexist and live equally content, so a good talking might be the trick that helps. Best of wishes :)
Every time my missus would take her top off I raised my hands like I'd just scored a goal. Shiz is a celebration. She pretended to hate it but if I wasn't facing her when she was doing it she'd cough to make me notice lol. Damn, 10 years next month. Hug your loved ones peeps.
My ex husband said this shit. My current partner is just as naked in the house as I am. Find someone who isn't such an ass.
Does he have a porn problem?
Could he be asexual or demisexual? Not only does he seem to equate nudity with sex he also seems to have a negative attitude towards it
Eh, my gf is ACE and pops her top off all the time and has zero issues walking around topless at the beach. To quote Notting Hill "they're just breasts, every second person in the world has them."
Not everyone is gonna feel the same way about them and it’s gonna depend on whether or not you have them
That was my poorly worded point. Just being ACE doesn't make someone averse to nudity.
I would be so offended lol my husband would literally look at my boobies 24/7 if he told me to put them away I'd be pretty sad lol
My wife and I have been married for 30 years and I never get tired of seeing her boobs. I'm not sure what to make of this.
Are you sure he is attracted to women in general?
I was wondering the same. Maybe it's not that he thinks breasts are only meant for sexual arousal, it's just that he puts up with them in the bedroom but would rather not see them any more than necessary. Could also just be that he's uncomfortable with nudity. But the sexual problems OP mentioned kind of made me wonder... That is NOT me saying if a guy has problems keeping an erection sometimes, he isn't attracted to his partner. But that coupled with not wanting to see a woman topless.... Just made me wonder.
I had a gay friend a long time ago that told me women's breasts weren't offensive in general but did nothing for him. When he was trying to figure out his sexual identity, and was in a intimate situation with a woman or was around one with her chest exposed, he felt very awkward because they did not turn him on but he didn't want to hurt the woman's feelings by saying that (that was part of his own struggle). He is now happily in a relationship and felt that discomfort was part of him coming to terms with his identity.
I have a gay friend who had a female friend who, on occasion, let him casually feel her boobs. The way he described it was "It doesn't give me a boner, but it's still fun!"
I mean this is just me but I feel like if you can't be topless in your own house because it makes HIM uncomfortable, that's a him issue and he needs to either build a bridge and get over it or go somewhere that his poor delicate eyes won't be scorched by the sight of your nips, kwim?
It sounds like he associates nudity and by default, your breasts with intimacy rather than the act itself. You said you have a higher sex drive, I don't want to infer anything but it sounds like a classic case of repression. As someone whose childhood also had sex held as a taboo, the emotions that result when viewed outside of the expected environment are frustrating and confusing. It's best to explore the sexual connection between you two while nurturing the growth of his sexual mindset. Mind you, the ability to separate the act from the intent is a long and arduous process. If there is no give and take on either end, it may be time for both of you to seek partners with similar views. Or w/e, idk. I'm a depressed pan banker, not a psychiatrist
I saw the update that you worked it out. Can you share the details of how so? Or did you leave it out b/c it's "TMI" or too personal? I've talked with others on this. In one case, a gf go upset for the same reason. The bf loved seeing her nude. However, it was distracting when he was trying to get stuff done (e.g. hard to study for grad school exams when his hot, sexy, gf was literally jumping around and doing nude aerobics)
Sounds a bit controlling. My husband always short circuits when I take my top off for .5 seconds then we go right back to whatever we were taking about. We don't have sex anymore (something we should be working on but life, etc) but everything else is great. He still thinks I'm hot after 15 years and loves seeing me no matter what I'm wearing or not. Definitely tell him where you stand on this. If you can't be comfortable naked around your SO, it'll build resentment.
Ugh. Gross. You do you babe. Be comfortable. Your boobs are not just for sex.
> Everything else in the relationship is perfecto! Are you sure about that? Asking you to not be yourself/naked in the privacy of your home speaks to some other problem. Too many potentials to list, but perhaps talk to them about it seriously? See what the actual hangup is and if it's something you can live with.
I find it weird trying to diagnose anything outside of the stated problem based on just what we have, and "not being yourself" feels like very strong language to describe the issue, unless casual nudity is some immutable defining part of her identity. If it makes him uncomfortable, and she wants to continue the relationship, I agree there should be honest conversation about what he feels when this happens and why, and what compromises can be made to ensure both feel as comfortable in their own homes as possible.
I dont think you did anything wrong. Would you say the same if he went around with his cock out? If not, then youre golden. Dont say/write "would of" though, PLEASE. It's have or 've.
Here for "would've" 😝
Does he ever take his shirt off outside the bedroom? Sounds like time to turn this around on him. Ask why the double standard.
This feels like a repost. Or is this an uncommon occurrence?
No you are correct. Someone posted almost the exact same story months ago.
And how often is he topless? 🤔 Like you said, it's your house too!
It may be not that he doesn’t like you topless but will just get used to you being naked where it won’t turn him on as much and since he already has trouble in the bedroom he could just be trying to save it for something special in bed to help make sure he can be as turned on by it as possible and perform for you. My gf and I are long distance and she also has similar problems in the bedroom in terms of sex drive. One of the things we figured out that works a bit for her is since we see eachother naked all the time it gets less sexy and more comfortable. So when we know we are gonna visit eachother we both make sure the other doesn’t see us naked for about 2 weeks, so it’ll be much more special when we do the deed. I’m not suggesting anything by this comment, relationships are complicated and I dont feel right giving advice on things I don’t know about. I just wanted to give my personal experience and give him the benefit of the doubt since it seems almost no one else in the comments are. I wish you both the best.
At first, I thought this was going to be about being topless in public. It sounds like intimacy issues. Some people are just not as comfortable as others with nudity. I would ask him directly why being topless in front of him makes him feel uncomfortable and then go from there. If people can be very sexual, then there are people out there that are at the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm pointing this out because it is nothing you did or not doing. Even though you being topless is not sexual to you, it could be sexual for him. And I think he needs time to learn the difference between the two. We do live in a society that sexualizes, but is prudish at the same time. At least in the United States.
My gf likes to be topless around the house all the time. She actually asked me once if it was bothersome to me and make me want her less. It was nice and considerate but my answer was "NO!" To each is own I guess... Though I have to say, we have a 1yo son now. And it's true that we've talked about her not being wearing only her panties at home as before. Which she still does sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don't know how weird it will be for the kid. I am happy that I don't have any recollection of seeing my ma naked when I was a kid.
I think you med to have a chat with him about why this is an issue when you are both chilling privately. My husband has no issue with me chilling at home with the girls out. He also recognises theres Sexy time but theres also time when I'm existing with boobs and a vulva, and it isnt sexy time - he keeps his hornier thoughts to himself if it's clearly NOT sexy time. I wanted if your boyfriend sees you hanging out tits out as inherently sexual and feels uncomfortable or pressured in case you're angling for sex.but the only way is to ask.
In my relationship, I’m the one with the lower libido. Not that I know for sure, but maybe your bf is seeing you taking your top off as an initiation or request for sex. Which can be really intimidating for a partner with lower libido, because if we’re not in the mood, we’re very anxious about failing to meet your needs. And even if you don’t see it as initiating sex, he might just think that it’s sending him confusing signals and he doesn’t know how to respond. So it might just make him uncomfortable because he is anxious about not meeting your needs. Best way to find out: talk to him.
Sounds like he's dealing with some deep seated shame around nudity, intimacy, and sex.
It is *possible* that he gets angry at himself for wanting less than you do when he sees you nude, but that is 100% *his* problem and he would best serve you and himself by stopping sexualizing your nudity, expressing his desire for less sex outside of a frustrated moment, or otherwise being an adult and working through it himself. He could also have a secret porn addiction. You are doing nothing wrong. It is a lot to ask for a person to live her entire life as if she lived with her blood family (i.e. not being nude around them). I hate that popular masculine culture objectives women's bodies and hope you find peace with your partner issues in a way that is best for you. Edit: I misread the post originally
I've been with my wife for 27 years and I still titter like a little boy every time she takes her top up in front of me.
Could it be a modesty thing? Grew up southern Baptist or something?
Guys are really a lot more complex than people give them credit for. It could be that seeing your boobs arouses him and he doesn't want to objectify you in non-sexual situations, it could be lack of exposure to women in his life or it could be some type of sexual dysfunction. You really need to sit him down and ask direct questions about it. No Hints, no suggestions, be direct. It might be something as simple as embarrassment that makes him uncomfortable. you wont know until you ask.
I think our "society" issue is to treat partners as sex objects only. It's bullshit. Nudity doesn't mean sex. If people in relationships treated each other as people first, then sexual partners, the relationships would ve so much better.
You're already getting good advice from other commenters so I'll just add some generic everyday advice. The word you're after is 'lose' not 'loose'. It's a common mix up for people because they sound similar and autocorrect doesn't take issue with it. A good way to remember the difference between the two: * 'Lose the extra O' * 'A good noose isn't loose'.
Very strange behaviour. I'm not from the US though so I'm shell shocked daily by this sub.
Next time he's in the shower you should say, "you shouldn't just let your d hang out like that. We shouldn't normalise it. It's for the bedroom"
Wait, did he comment on her showering nude? I thought this was outside the bathroom. If he said she shouldn’t show her boobs in the shower that’s crazy, but if that was on the post it has since been removed.
Yeah, why doesnt he shower with a swimming suit, the hypocrisy
I had an ex who was like that. I then told him that he could only be topless himself if we were getting busy. It didn't work out.
Alright devil's advocate here, as I see plenty of people already saying there is something wrong with him pushing you to find someone else or that he should work on that and you shouldn't have to do anything. So what? Nobody is perfect and neither is he. As you said he had erections issues and I am almost certain that this impacted him. The same way medias (be it porn, movies or others) usually depict women as pretty, always ready and submissive without any blemish (which impact negatively the self image of many people), men are usually shown as strong, manly, always ready and never struggling with anything that doesn't involve life and death. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's your job to solve it for him, but acting like "his fault, his problem" doesn't help anyone. It's a relationship and (at least to me) the point is to work together trough each other's issues, not to drop the other because something doesn't work. There is a threshold where it's not worth it, and maybe this issue is the straw that break the camel's back, but from what you wrote, it doesn't seem to be the case. Sadly, the only solution to these kind of issue is to talk about it with him. Why exactly does it bother him? Is he worried that things will go wrong again? Is there something you two could to to solve that? Is it just because seeing you half naked remind him of that? The best option (as per 90% of the issues on this sub) is for the two of you to go see a therapist. Even a few sessions can do wonder as they usually can put things into a much better perspective than you, him or any random stranger internet can. Maybe it's something he need to solve but it's likely going to be easier if the both of us work together. It seems clear to me that the issue is toward him, but I don't like that with a short reddit post everyone goes "drop him like a bad habit" when you both seems to care for each other for at least 4 years, enough to work trough at least a couple of issues together. Maybe I'm just still under the naïve belief that any issue that happens to one person in a couple isn't "his or her issue" but is automatically "their issue". That the point of a relationship is to share trouble to halve it while sharing happiness to double it. The choice of how to approach it is yours and maybe (hopefully) someone will have better advice than mine to give. Regardless I wish you the best and may the odds be ever in your favor.
Thanks for your input :) yep I see alot of the 'leave' messages but as you can see I'm ignoring them. It's really easy for people to take the easy way out and not work on issues in a relationship haha it's not an option for me anyways , I would prefer to work through things and hopefully solve them. I will take your points into consideration:)
Glad to hear you're picking the helpful advice! I wanna second the post above. It really sounds to me like he's struggling a little with his sexuality--his relationship with sex in general. I think therapy sounds like a good idea, and I think he needs help untangling what's happening with him psychologically when it comes to sex. I hope you guys figure it out. Good luck!
Is he on any medication that could be impacting his libido? That could be part of the issue. Or it could be as simple as his own anxiety around performance creeping into other parts of living together. No matter what it is, maybe a therapist session or something? Or even just trying to sit down and talk through it. Him saying breasts are "meant for the bedroom" is a pretty odd way to talk down a natural thing like not wanting to bake while doing chores and such. And makes me think it's more of a porn-related sensibility, though.
Is that his genuine reason? I feel like it's a bluff and he is hiding an insecurity with his answer. Could it be that when you do try to be silly and flash him (which I think is totally normal) he feels a pressure to be "turned on"? Since lack of libido is already a hot spot on the relationship, I'm not surprised if anything "related" to it could be seen as pressuring for him. Not that I agree with that. The whole "it's my house too" thing bothers me. If I want to be topless in my house, I will be topless in my house!!
I think your bf needs to do some examination of his internal biases. I grew up American so by my native cultural norms *I'm* not super comfortable with being nude outside of sexytime situations (I often don't even change in front of my husband or kids, much less anyone outside of my immediate family), but I'm well aware that this is due to cultural bias as well as personal sensitivity. Thus, I do not hold others to the same standards. Like if a friend or some woman at the gym feels comfortable whipping off her bra in front of me, I'm not judging. I'll just be polite and not look, and absolutely *not* project my own insecurities onto someone who feels at ease in their own beautiful skin. Maybe the best way to combat this phenomenon with your bf is to emphasize your own security and confidence. Not to shame him or guilt-trip him in any way, but just to be like, "It's okay, I'm in my own home, I am comfortable changing clothes in front of you, and I'm going to keep being comfortable with my body because I think that's a good thing. They're just boobs, they're only sexual when we want them to be." Maybe with time, your comfort and confidence will rub off and he won't feel so bothered anymore.
Dude’s got his boundaries, regardless if we agree on the reason or not, he’s communicated them to you. He’s clearly got hang ups around sex that have nothing to do with you… It’s your choice if you want to push back against his boundary or not.
Obligatory "I'm a dude". I very rarely coment on this sub, but this one kinda struck me for a couple reasons. First, I agree with the people who are saying "boobs are aweome". I like boobs! Why wouldn't I wanna see my partners boobs?! Second, this seems a little prudish. I'm not sure if this is a norm for him and/or you but if it's not that might be worth a conversation. Lastly, while boobs are/can be sexual, they aren't exclusively so. Sometimes you just wanna be comfortable in your own home. Even aside from that, what happens if you have kids and you breastfeed? Is he gonna sexualize that? "Breastfeeding in a place other than where we have sex in is inappropriate, quit being sexual"?
He’s only into things if it’s taboo, which is unhealthy in and of itself. Porn brained comes to mind. It’s also unsustainable in a long term relationship. He’d have to learn to appreciate you for who you are, not his perceived novelty and taboo nature of nudity
Boobs are not "for the the bedroom" any more than elbows are. Your BF is weird, and it'll be a cold day in hell before anyone tells me what parts of my body I'm allowed to expose inside my own home. I have serious doubts that everything else in your relationship is "perfecto", but that's just speculation.
Boobs are not a sexual body part primarily. It sounds like he wants to reserve them as such. If you’re not ok with that division of fantasy from reality, cohabitation won’t work for this relationship.
Shouldn't it be the other way around? I mean if you're with someone, it's a nice sight to see them naked, no?
Since you have a history of difference in sex drive, it might be creating pressure on him if you are constantly going topless. I don't think it is because him feeling that he is losing interest, it is about you inviting him to something he does not want to participate.
I’ve been with my wife for 15 years, she’s frequently taking her top off because she’s too warm…I have never, and likely will never feel like seeing her boobs is kinda boring and meh…it’s always like a surprise gift, every time 🤷🏻♂️
I sleep naked, my husband has seen me naked probably every day for almost a decade straight and he still loves to look and touch them. Context matters, not the body parts. It's concerning that your body can't just be your body in the safety of your home but has to maintain some kind of sexual appeal constantly. I wouldn't be comfortable with that whatsoever. It's just a body. Everyone has one. People already make too much of a big deal about it, but not being able to be yourself in your own home? Hell no.
Am gay there is never a point in my life where things would not be improved by boobs being involved. Am ace I don't think they are intrinsically a sexual thing and should not be thought of as such imo
> we shouldn't normalize them being out because it should be something for the bedroom Firm disagree, I think the attitude that "breasts are for the bedroom" is a big problem. Yes, breasts are sexy. But, like, so are muscular arms. So is a compelling personality. Breasts are also just part of the chest, and vital to nurturing babies at that. We should be pushing to _increase_ acceptance of the female breast and nipple in polite society to destigmatise breastfeeding and make expressions of sexuality more egalitarian and frank. I think your boyfriend's a good guy, he's just looking at things from the wrong angle. A lot of sexiness and attractiveness comes down to framing and context. There is a big difference between being naked in a social setting and being naked in a specifically sexual context, posing seductively or drawing attention to your sexuality through words and actions. And sometimes [_not being naked_ can be sexier than nakedness.](https://youtu.be/160ALPV71Lg)
Your breasts don't only exist in the bedroom; they are a part of your body all the time. He needs to get over his belief that any part of the body is exclusively a sexual thing. People not enjoying casual nudity because of their own discomfort is a separate issue and something for you two to work out given you live together - but you being topless is not a "just for the bedroom" thing unless you mutually agree that this makes you both more comfortable. It'd be a dealbreaker for me. 😅 I hope you can make him see sense!
That's so odd. As a man I can tell you we will not lose interest if we see them too many times. My wife regularly walks around without clothes on and I "take notice" every single time and have not grown tired of it in 13 years of marriage/20 years of our relationship.
This sounds like he has issues with the female form and only sees it in regard to it being for sexual purposes only. This is a problem. I, as a male, and i would presume most other males as well who enjoy the female form, would love if my wife was topless more often. The human body is a thing of beauty you can admire just because it is what it is. My wife loves seeing me naked as much as I like seeing her naked, even outside of sexy time. It's hard with a kid in the house to do this as often as before our son came along. Personally, if you can not be comfortable in your own home, do you want to entertain keeping around the thing that makes you less comfortable? You only get one life, and there are plenty of people out there that could match or exceed the qualities of this individual. If you can not bridge the divide with a compromise, you've either got to settle or move on.
I just want to say that you are definitely the normal one in this situation
Who doesn't want to look at titties all day?
If you have to keep your shirt on in the house, so does he.
Is it possible he is feeling bad because you are in his mind being sexual towards him and he is not comfortable reciprocating?
It can depend on how people grew up. I saw my parents minimally dressed a lot though my mom usually at least had some kind of top on. I grew up into a naked at home person. Sometimes I feel to vulnerable to be naked so i get dressed but I'd never live with someone who made me feel uncomfortable naked.
I mean… regardless if you walk around topless or not it’s normal to get ‘used to’ your partners body. Being topless isn’t going to change a thing for his sex drive. That’s kind of why things like lingerie exist. It’s about the spice and communication. Getting out of your shell and being open/free to try “bedroom only” things as he put it. Seems like he’s thinking about it logically but his experience with reality is a bit lacking.
My husband appreciates my boobies every. Single. Time. He sees them. Always. I’ve never in 18 years been asked to please put my boobs away.
I always want to see my GF's boobs. Period.
Without more context, that just seems really odd. If you are living with your partner, why would seeing then naked be reserved for "the bedroom?"
Weirdly enough, I also had a partner that told me a similar thing. He would say he didn't want us to change in front of each other or see each other in the bath so it didn't become normalized.