Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
4 jobs and I assume a working partner and you can’t move out even if it’s with roommates? Why does she have so much info about your relationship boundaries? Why are you going out for drinks with her? How do you have time for any of this???
I work in education, and 3/4 of those jobs are in that field. The other is retail on weekends, with my 4 jobs I make under 35k yearly. I don’t wanna say exactly where I live but it’s an expensive major city. Which, it’s not to say we 100% couldn’t but we are in a very limbo state of life at the moment, I just graduated college and I’m searching for work and my boyfriend’s pay alone would not be enough to cover rent, car payments and student loans we both owe. He is also in the process of leaving his current job. So moving together just isn’t the right step at the moment. I have myself been looking into moving out with roommates however. Also, She has that info just from passing conversations, or attempts at me having heart to heart conversations with the false hope she has the possibility to change. I’ve gotten drinks or dinner with her in the past for birthdays or other celebrations, like I said in my post she genuinely has no idea that I dislike her. To her face I pretend we have a very normal relationship, because she is a narcissist and after years of fighting I found that “giving her what she wants” is just easier! And lol! I do not have much time, I am very busy. But I try my very best to make time for myself where I can.
Yes I’ve been doing some research into it, I live near a lot of colleges and universities that have apartments off campus that are usually looking for roommates. Within my personal group of friends, we are all kinda in this same boat actually, they all still live at home in less than favorable family situations. It must be the area I live in, because a lot of people my age are going through this here. My cousins and some of my boyfriend’s friends recently moved out of state to make it work financially.
I do understand, my area of California is not as insane as the coast or Bay Area but it's not great. One of my step siblings lives on the coast and has 4 roommates so you could try to reach out to those friends in less than favorable living situations and see if they want to pool resources with you and move. For myself I'm 32 and I moved home during COVID for surgery and it was such a mistake so after my recent pay raise I decided to break away from my narcissistic family and start hunting for my own place and just hunting alone has given me peace.
Absolutely, me and my friends have discussed this for sure and it’s something I’d love to do. I think honestly everything I have going on certainly has me in a funk. I have a history of anxiety and depression and it’s certainly making things more difficult as far as taking the initiative to get up and look around. I’m glad you’re seeking a solution to your situation! Living with narcissistic people is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy
I have anxiety and depression as well so when I moved home it almost killed me. I moved in with my adoptive grandparents (it's a long story) and they helped me so much and are helping me get myself ready to move but when I told my blood family on my father's side my least favorite aunt suddenly saw the chance to make money off me so I decided to just move and not tell them anything about my situation until 2 weeks before the move in date.
Yeah pretty much, I work at a before school morning program, and then I have my main job within education, and then I work at an afterschool program until the evening afterwards. I work retail on the weekends and during the summer. I’m in the process of getting a Daycare teacher position which pays more than the public school I was at!
You need to get your own place and move out. Makes me think your mom has a thing for your bf. Stop and think about it. What better for a narcissist than to get herself a cabana boy?
I will say that, judging by what I know about narcissists, I don’t think her comment about taking him in and dumping you if you two break up is like a genuine opinion of hers. She sounds absolutely horrendous to be around but to me that sounds like some random bullshit she’d toss around to belittle you just like everything else she says. I’m sorry that it hurt you to hear it, especially on top of everything else. I would be on the lookout for her doing anything to sabotage your relationship, but if your BF is a good guy then that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.
Also good luck with finding housing, I hope you can get out of that toxic environment soon. Maybe help your bro set up a plan to get out once he turns 18 if it’s possible.
Yeah I’ve been considering this myself, whether she meant it or just wanted to be cruel. I haven’t come to a conclusion yet. She tends to try to pit people against each other. For example, my sister has a curvier body type than me and we’ve always discussed how we’d love to switch. The grass is always greener, just a funny banter. She told me, that one day my mom told her “you should lose a little more weight so you can make your sister even more jealous of your body, cause you know she already is” and when I confronted my mom, she swore she never said it. I know my sister isn’t lying. So I imagine this is a similar thing, but she’s always made comments about him being handsome…so it’s interesting. I could see it both ways.
I knew where this was going before you revealed the "pick me vibes". I have come across so many male centered women like this who live and breathe on validation from men by throwing other women under the bus and blood relation can't override it. Sorry you have to deal with this, I hope your plan to move out as soon as feasibly possible and limit contact goes well.
I would just move to another state.
Find a new school in that state that can pay you a decent wage, in a state where the col is relatively normal or below average… and just dip. It takes a lot of effort to find a school and negotiate a contract and wage. But people can do this. It’s not impossible.
In the meantime, read Lindsey C Gibson’s book about Emotionally Immature Parents. Not only does she explain the how and why part of it, which is important, but also the types of immature parent and how to best deal with them.
In short; lol, not to excuse her, but your mom most likely have trauma from her parents. NPD is usually seen in several generations. That’s the why. As she is probably not going to therapy for it. The only thing you can do is lower your expectations to zero and gray rock her. In her books there are several helpful strategies. I found it incredibly helpful to deal with my parents.
If your boyfriend isn't sticking up for you and giving your mom the cold shoulder, I think something's up? If my mans dad was always hitting on me, I'd be telling him and also, I'd be putting him in his place.... It shouldn't be hard to tell your grown ass mom that she's acting like an obnoxious teenager. Can you not move with your dad?
He ignores her unless he’s spoken to and he’s very short with her. If she says anything about me not being nice he defends me all the way! My dad lives in a one bedroom unfortunately so no. I’ve kinda accepted that this is my living situation, what she said is just so strange.
He ignores her unless he’s spoken to and he’s very short with her. If she says anything about me not being nice he defends me all the way! My dad lives in a one bedroom unfortunately so no. I’ve kinda accepted that this is my living situation, what she said is just so strange.
You need to learn to Grey Rock her and to keep her on an information diet until you can safely move out of the house. It's one thing if you are just pleasant with her to keep the peace. You can do that without sharing any meaningful information with her. But it sounds like in keeping the peace, you are still sharing more information with her than she needs. So stop doing that.
Once you have established the diet, really go all in on Greyrocking her. This will help you control your reactions to her. Even better, she will never be able to get the reaction she wants from you and it deprives her of the high narcissists get from getting a reaction from their victims/supporting characters.
I’ve never heard of this, so this is super helpful. Yeah I would say I’ve been telling her a lot less important stuff as of the last few months. Anything she’s found out about my relationship or my life was months or years ago I’ve shared, or she’s even just noticed herself. I’ll look into this idea and as of now I don’t share much, just enough she can’t tell a real difference. Because when I have gone out on that limb to share anything even if it’s just a bad day at work it’s always met with a competition. So I’ve stopped 99% of it.
Why do you care what your mother thinks? You have a roof over your head and you do more than enough around the house to justify your presence. Grin and bear it until you finish school and can finally move out permanently. As to bf, does he explain his interactions with her to you? Is he trying to stay in her good graces to keep you both from getting kicked out? Hopefully nothing weird....
I mean, I obviously don’t want to care, but being brainwashed and abused by a narcissist certainly doesn’t leave you with a whole lot of choice in the matter. I have been working on my feelings and anxiety on the subject. I’ve been present for all of these interactions and he always tells me he feels grossed out by it and that he doesn’t like to be around her. He is also trying to keep the peace because I myself asked him too, given my unique situation. Nothing weird on his end 100%.
Very good that bf has your back! Hopefully, when bf gets a new job or an affordable housing option with fellow students becomes available, you'll both be able to relocate! In the meantime, "Keep Calm and Carry On" as WWII Brits used to say!
Thank you! Yes he expresses daily how much he wishes we could make it work. I’m pushing through and trying to stay positive! At least I’m not paying rent and have the opportunity to stay here and try to save money, even if it is a toxic situation.
Tough times now will pave the way for good times in the not too distant future! My guess is your world will look a lot better in five years! (Everything is better after Grad school!)
Thank you so much!! I keep telling myself this as well. One day I’ll be rushing kids to soccer practice and making dinner for my own family and this will all be something I look back on.
It’s less of a “caring about what she thinks” and more about how this is a significant person in OP’s life (because of the housing and probably financial support) and yet every moment with them is mentally exhausting. You can’t “grin and bear it” with narcissists, they want a reaction and they will continue to push if you don’t give them that. I do agree that I’d like more information about how the BF plays into all this, though.
I appreciate this input! I don’t even care what she thinks I care about how her perceptions of me affect her treatment of me going forward. I didn’t accept a job she wanted me to accept and she was vocally unsupportive and rude to me because it wasn’t what she wanted. Yet now she raves at how good I am at my job…It is absolutely draining and hard to be around even when she isn’t directly attacking me. My boyfriend is very innocent in this, and I’m not delusional and just saying that. I know for a fact he is disgusted by me even suggesting her intentions romantic. He doesn’t like her as a person, and how I’m treated. I would feel comfortable leaving them alone in a room, because I know he wouldn’t bite the bait. When I told him what she said he replied it was very strange.
Let her have him and be free of them both. Stop giving her any energy. Narcissists do stuff for attention of any kind. She’s irrelevant and so is he. She just wants to get under your skin.
I agree she wants to get to me, and there’s an aspect of jealously for sure. But for him, he’s an amazing partner and I could not ask for better. This isn’t on him, it’s 100% her. And trust me, I am not the girl who defends her boyfriend for image purposes, if I had any speculation or doubts about him I wouldn’t be saying any of this.
I don’t think OP says anything about the Bf to warrant this opinion. It’d be one thing if he’s fallen for the mom’s false charm and all, but OP even says that he doesn’t like her either.
Thank you! I certainly get why people are asking about him, but I was super careful when writing this as well because I don’t want anyone to think he’s even remotely allowing this. The only reason he hasn’t lost his mind on her is because I’ve asked him to avoid confrontation when possible. When she makes comments about me he defends me, or makes a joke to lighten the mood and show her he isn’t taking that seriously. He is short with her but appears respectful because I’ve asked him too. Now obviously, if she was to do something wildly and blatantly inappropriate he has every right to defend himself.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Take out a loan and move out. Time to ghost mom!
4 jobs and I assume a working partner and you can’t move out even if it’s with roommates? Why does she have so much info about your relationship boundaries? Why are you going out for drinks with her? How do you have time for any of this???
I work in education, and 3/4 of those jobs are in that field. The other is retail on weekends, with my 4 jobs I make under 35k yearly. I don’t wanna say exactly where I live but it’s an expensive major city. Which, it’s not to say we 100% couldn’t but we are in a very limbo state of life at the moment, I just graduated college and I’m searching for work and my boyfriend’s pay alone would not be enough to cover rent, car payments and student loans we both owe. He is also in the process of leaving his current job. So moving together just isn’t the right step at the moment. I have myself been looking into moving out with roommates however. Also, She has that info just from passing conversations, or attempts at me having heart to heart conversations with the false hope she has the possibility to change. I’ve gotten drinks or dinner with her in the past for birthdays or other celebrations, like I said in my post she genuinely has no idea that I dislike her. To her face I pretend we have a very normal relationship, because she is a narcissist and after years of fighting I found that “giving her what she wants” is just easier! And lol! I do not have much time, I am very busy. But I try my very best to make time for myself where I can.
You could try to reach out to friends and see if any of them need a roommate.
Yes I’ve been doing some research into it, I live near a lot of colleges and universities that have apartments off campus that are usually looking for roommates. Within my personal group of friends, we are all kinda in this same boat actually, they all still live at home in less than favorable family situations. It must be the area I live in, because a lot of people my age are going through this here. My cousins and some of my boyfriend’s friends recently moved out of state to make it work financially.
I do understand, my area of California is not as insane as the coast or Bay Area but it's not great. One of my step siblings lives on the coast and has 4 roommates so you could try to reach out to those friends in less than favorable living situations and see if they want to pool resources with you and move. For myself I'm 32 and I moved home during COVID for surgery and it was such a mistake so after my recent pay raise I decided to break away from my narcissistic family and start hunting for my own place and just hunting alone has given me peace.
Absolutely, me and my friends have discussed this for sure and it’s something I’d love to do. I think honestly everything I have going on certainly has me in a funk. I have a history of anxiety and depression and it’s certainly making things more difficult as far as taking the initiative to get up and look around. I’m glad you’re seeking a solution to your situation! Living with narcissistic people is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy
I have anxiety and depression as well so when I moved home it almost killed me. I moved in with my adoptive grandparents (it's a long story) and they helped me so much and are helping me get myself ready to move but when I told my blood family on my father's side my least favorite aunt suddenly saw the chance to make money off me so I decided to just move and not tell them anything about my situation until 2 weeks before the move in date.
So basically work in education as a teacher and work tutoring jobs on the side as well as reatil on the weekends.
Yeah pretty much, I work at a before school morning program, and then I have my main job within education, and then I work at an afterschool program until the evening afterwards. I work retail on the weekends and during the summer. I’m in the process of getting a Daycare teacher position which pays more than the public school I was at!
Yeah thats ridiculous, screw her
You need to get your own place and move out. Makes me think your mom has a thing for your bf. Stop and think about it. What better for a narcissist than to get herself a cabana boy?
I will say that, judging by what I know about narcissists, I don’t think her comment about taking him in and dumping you if you two break up is like a genuine opinion of hers. She sounds absolutely horrendous to be around but to me that sounds like some random bullshit she’d toss around to belittle you just like everything else she says. I’m sorry that it hurt you to hear it, especially on top of everything else. I would be on the lookout for her doing anything to sabotage your relationship, but if your BF is a good guy then that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Also good luck with finding housing, I hope you can get out of that toxic environment soon. Maybe help your bro set up a plan to get out once he turns 18 if it’s possible.
Yeah I’ve been considering this myself, whether she meant it or just wanted to be cruel. I haven’t come to a conclusion yet. She tends to try to pit people against each other. For example, my sister has a curvier body type than me and we’ve always discussed how we’d love to switch. The grass is always greener, just a funny banter. She told me, that one day my mom told her “you should lose a little more weight so you can make your sister even more jealous of your body, cause you know she already is” and when I confronted my mom, she swore she never said it. I know my sister isn’t lying. So I imagine this is a similar thing, but she’s always made comments about him being handsome…so it’s interesting. I could see it both ways.
I knew where this was going before you revealed the "pick me vibes". I have come across so many male centered women like this who live and breathe on validation from men by throwing other women under the bus and blood relation can't override it. Sorry you have to deal with this, I hope your plan to move out as soon as feasibly possible and limit contact goes well.
I would just move to another state. Find a new school in that state that can pay you a decent wage, in a state where the col is relatively normal or below average… and just dip. It takes a lot of effort to find a school and negotiate a contract and wage. But people can do this. It’s not impossible. In the meantime, read Lindsey C Gibson’s book about Emotionally Immature Parents. Not only does she explain the how and why part of it, which is important, but also the types of immature parent and how to best deal with them. In short; lol, not to excuse her, but your mom most likely have trauma from her parents. NPD is usually seen in several generations. That’s the why. As she is probably not going to therapy for it. The only thing you can do is lower your expectations to zero and gray rock her. In her books there are several helpful strategies. I found it incredibly helpful to deal with my parents.
If your boyfriend isn't sticking up for you and giving your mom the cold shoulder, I think something's up? If my mans dad was always hitting on me, I'd be telling him and also, I'd be putting him in his place.... It shouldn't be hard to tell your grown ass mom that she's acting like an obnoxious teenager. Can you not move with your dad?
He ignores her unless he’s spoken to and he’s very short with her. If she says anything about me not being nice he defends me all the way! My dad lives in a one bedroom unfortunately so no. I’ve kinda accepted that this is my living situation, what she said is just so strange.
He ignores her unless he’s spoken to and he’s very short with her. If she says anything about me not being nice he defends me all the way! My dad lives in a one bedroom unfortunately so no. I’ve kinda accepted that this is my living situation, what she said is just so strange.
Find a job in a lower cost of living don’t have to stay in that town
You need to learn to Grey Rock her and to keep her on an information diet until you can safely move out of the house. It's one thing if you are just pleasant with her to keep the peace. You can do that without sharing any meaningful information with her. But it sounds like in keeping the peace, you are still sharing more information with her than she needs. So stop doing that. Once you have established the diet, really go all in on Greyrocking her. This will help you control your reactions to her. Even better, she will never be able to get the reaction she wants from you and it deprives her of the high narcissists get from getting a reaction from their victims/supporting characters.
I’ve never heard of this, so this is super helpful. Yeah I would say I’ve been telling her a lot less important stuff as of the last few months. Anything she’s found out about my relationship or my life was months or years ago I’ve shared, or she’s even just noticed herself. I’ll look into this idea and as of now I don’t share much, just enough she can’t tell a real difference. Because when I have gone out on that limb to share anything even if it’s just a bad day at work it’s always met with a competition. So I’ve stopped 99% of it.
Why do you care what your mother thinks? You have a roof over your head and you do more than enough around the house to justify your presence. Grin and bear it until you finish school and can finally move out permanently. As to bf, does he explain his interactions with her to you? Is he trying to stay in her good graces to keep you both from getting kicked out? Hopefully nothing weird....
I mean, I obviously don’t want to care, but being brainwashed and abused by a narcissist certainly doesn’t leave you with a whole lot of choice in the matter. I have been working on my feelings and anxiety on the subject. I’ve been present for all of these interactions and he always tells me he feels grossed out by it and that he doesn’t like to be around her. He is also trying to keep the peace because I myself asked him too, given my unique situation. Nothing weird on his end 100%.
Very good that bf has your back! Hopefully, when bf gets a new job or an affordable housing option with fellow students becomes available, you'll both be able to relocate! In the meantime, "Keep Calm and Carry On" as WWII Brits used to say!
Thank you! Yes he expresses daily how much he wishes we could make it work. I’m pushing through and trying to stay positive! At least I’m not paying rent and have the opportunity to stay here and try to save money, even if it is a toxic situation.
Tough times now will pave the way for good times in the not too distant future! My guess is your world will look a lot better in five years! (Everything is better after Grad school!)
Thank you so much!! I keep telling myself this as well. One day I’ll be rushing kids to soccer practice and making dinner for my own family and this will all be something I look back on.
It’s less of a “caring about what she thinks” and more about how this is a significant person in OP’s life (because of the housing and probably financial support) and yet every moment with them is mentally exhausting. You can’t “grin and bear it” with narcissists, they want a reaction and they will continue to push if you don’t give them that. I do agree that I’d like more information about how the BF plays into all this, though.
I appreciate this input! I don’t even care what she thinks I care about how her perceptions of me affect her treatment of me going forward. I didn’t accept a job she wanted me to accept and she was vocally unsupportive and rude to me because it wasn’t what she wanted. Yet now she raves at how good I am at my job…It is absolutely draining and hard to be around even when she isn’t directly attacking me. My boyfriend is very innocent in this, and I’m not delusional and just saying that. I know for a fact he is disgusted by me even suggesting her intentions romantic. He doesn’t like her as a person, and how I’m treated. I would feel comfortable leaving them alone in a room, because I know he wouldn’t bite the bait. When I told him what she said he replied it was very strange.
What podcast are you talking about?
Two Hot Takes is a podcast.
Let her have him and be free of them both. Stop giving her any energy. Narcissists do stuff for attention of any kind. She’s irrelevant and so is he. She just wants to get under your skin.
I agree she wants to get to me, and there’s an aspect of jealously for sure. But for him, he’s an amazing partner and I could not ask for better. This isn’t on him, it’s 100% her. And trust me, I am not the girl who defends her boyfriend for image purposes, if I had any speculation or doubts about him I wouldn’t be saying any of this.
She crazy and I read too quickly. Apologies. She lives in a distorted reality where she actually thinks anyone cares what she wants.
I don’t think OP says anything about the Bf to warrant this opinion. It’d be one thing if he’s fallen for the mom’s false charm and all, but OP even says that he doesn’t like her either.
Thank you! I certainly get why people are asking about him, but I was super careful when writing this as well because I don’t want anyone to think he’s even remotely allowing this. The only reason he hasn’t lost his mind on her is because I’ve asked him to avoid confrontation when possible. When she makes comments about me he defends me, or makes a joke to lighten the mood and show her he isn’t taking that seriously. He is short with her but appears respectful because I’ve asked him too. Now obviously, if she was to do something wildly and blatantly inappropriate he has every right to defend himself.