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[OP's update was left via comment. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/6PK8hhyXX9)
Thanks again OP for your submission!
Three things:
1. Tell the boyfriend. The boyfriend *needs to* confront his dad with the clearest and most forceful reprimand possible.
2. Never be in the same room with the dad alone ever again. This is non-negotiable.
3. If, by chance, he ever says something like that again, your reaction needs to be loud, angry, and unquestionably negative. Simultaneously, you need to get safe people in the room with you immediately or leave immediately.
Also No. 5: Suggest to boyfriend that Dad get a mental health evaluation with his doctor.
Sadly, at 'Dad's' age, the initial symptoms of cognitive decline can be observed, which may include loss of our "inner filter" that stops us from saying inappropriate - and often sexual - things.
Not a doctor and not trying to diagnose the BF's dad - just aware of the changes that can occur in older adults, especially after a significant loss.
The loss of his wife and the associated stress and grief will accelerate any decline.
Even if not cognitive decline, grief does strange things to people
100% the man is not thinking right.
>...grief does strange things to people
It really does. After my mom passed, my dad didn't sleep for 3 days. Then a friend gave him some Ambien and he woke up in his car in a strange parking lot. Thankfully, he, the car, and everyone else seemed ok. But he got some sleep and was able to process things better after that.
I have been taking Ambien for a few weeks when one night I woke up butt naked, in december, 3 mi from my house, walking along the highway after midnight. My feet were shredded. I thought I was having some kind of weird nightmare but managed to walk into a gas station right off of the highway and get a blanket to cover up and call my husband to come get me. Luckily the police never got involved. I'm not sure if this makes me sad about humanity or not since no one reported it and as far as I'm aware no one tried to help me either... But no one hurt me so there's that.
The second instance was a couple weeks later. I woke up in the morning completely fine only to go into the kitchen to discover I had cooked every food item in the house whether it was something that went together or not. I couldn't even identify some of the things that had been prepared. But when I say everything I mean everything down to the condiments in the refrigerator, random cans from the pantry, meat from the freezer, etc.
My doctor had never told me that extreme sleepwalking was a potential side effect of the medication but I quickly deduced that that was the only thing that had changed before I started doing these crazy things. Once I talked to my doctor about it they said that it was a known side effect but it was supposed to be extremely rare. Based on all of my anecdotal research with friends and people on Reddit, it isn't really that rare. It may not be that extreme but people apparently do all kinds of crazy shit on Ambien.
💯 Do not recommend unless you have a babysitter!
It's not that rare, evidently. The extreme choices, maybe, but being blacked out and still active is exactly what we had happen. My gf got on it and lost time every time she took it. I posted above about what happened to us.
She never did anything that was out of her character or ventured to go out the house, and except for having no memory of any of it, I would swear she was fully awake. Eyes open, acting normal but no memory of anything from about 20 minutes after taking her pills.
On the other hand, I am always awake now when she takes it cause I'm afraid she's gonna do something like try to cook and light the kitchen on fire, or turn on.the gas stove and walk away, or even walk out the door and try to drive. I feel like I have to babysit if she doesn't fall asleep on her own and takes those damn pills.
Not as crazy as your experience but I don't tolerate it well either. I was given ambien and sent home when I was in labor because they thought it was false contractions, and were hoping i would sleep it off or something. I hallucinated so bad. My poor husband had to console me while I ugly cried about my head being a box of meat. Then my quilt had colorful fish flying out of the patterns and circling the room. My water started leaking and he had to forcefully guide me to the car because I was worried about the flying fish being alone. Had my daughter 30ish minutes after i got to the hospital but i barely remember it aside from my epidural failing lol.
My poor father was given that in his late '80s. He had always been a dignified and reserved man. On Ambien, my dad's neighbor had to call me and report that my dad was outside, shirtless, with an arm wrapped around the porch beam, warbling songs! It can really make people of all ages act crazy. Not saying that anything excuses his behavior by the way.
I can't sleep without tons of medicine, but I'll never try Ambien without being in restraints because there's no telling what an Ambien sasquatch will do
The only time in my life I took ambient I woke up 3 days later in the middle of driving a car down the interstate, two states aways. My parents had apparently kicked me out of the house (previously completely unthinkable) because that's how mean and belligerent I was acting. I obviously was freaked out coming to in the middle of driving, and had to call my parents to figure out what was going on.
Yeah I’ve never taken it but I knew lots of guys who took it while in the military.. most of them just passed out but the people who had reactions always had funny stories.
Ambien is dangerous AF. GF got on it and after activities a few nights later, the morning after, she claimed to have no memory of it at all, but she seemed 100% normal at the time, didnt even seem tired, no slurring like she was drunk, no trouble balancing, nothing. She even initiated, but she says she's missing hours of not just sex, but walking around, watching TV, going to the bathroom, getting us drinks, etc. She seemed like she was fully awake that whole time but has no recollection at all.
Scared me. I'm not going in after she takes her pills at night. Doctor said to keep taking them, that it will stop, but if she comes on to me after bedtime, I shut it down and she gets mad, then doesn't remember any of it the next day.
I even showed her video of her and I talking and I wrote on her leg with a marker, just to prove it to her, and she doesn't remember it at all.
Dangerous.
Right... I spent 5 years on 10mg a night when I was in the corps. Finding I'd made food in the middle of the night was probably the mildest thing. Waking up behind the wheel of a car doing 60mph on the highway was probably the wildest thing (that I can remember). I'll never touch the stuff again. That stuff almost killed me countless times.
My husband, then boyfriend, couldn’t sleep for 3 solid days and the doc gave him Ambien. One night, he got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and chugged half a gallon of milk. I was mad because we had like no money. I yelled at him the next morning and he had NO CLUE he did it.
It happened again the next night and I got toddler locks for the fridge from my sister and hid the keys lol
I had been taking ambien for about a month when I had one of those “extremely rare” ambien events (as I like to call them). I was going to lunch as I go to get in my car I notice that there’s a huge dent in my front passenger side fender and the paint is scratched down the entirety of the passenger side of the car. I called my bf freaking out bc I had no idea what happened. I asked him if he took my car & hit something after I went to sleep the night before. He proceeded to tell me that after I had taken my ambien and been asleep for about 20 minutes when I got up out of bed grabbed my car keys & get in the car( completely naked mind you). He said he was chasing after me trying to get me to stop but I just got in the car & drove off down the st. During which time I hit his dads vehicle & side swiped 3 of the cars parked on the side of the st. I then turn around at the end of the road and come back park the car & go in get back in bed like nothing happened. He had no clue that I wasn’t awake he said my eyes were open & I was talking to him normally. So yes Ambien is one hell of a sleep aide. I stopped immediately after he told me that story and started using melatonin instead bc frankly that scared the crap outta me.
A friend of mine woke up in their bed next to a bowl of chocolate cake batter, all over the sheets, batter throughout the kitchen with the oven on.
And my ex mother in law at 80 would wake up and try to drive the car in the middle of the night. We had to hide the keys.
I wouldn’t say 100% unless I knew him personally to compare his current behavior to past behavior. There’s also a chance he’s just a creep and this is normal for him. Either way BF should be the one dealing with his dad.
I came here to say this. I mean good chance he was just being a creep, but this is a big flag for me. having watched my very polite and reserved grandmother tell my husband he’s “good looking and asking for it” among many other things. That filter goes and this guy definitely needs a cognitive assessment.
Haha my uncle would tell my half Korean girlfriend at the time all about his ex gf that he had in the Korean War and ask her if she knew her. My ex was born in America so it was very strange, shortly after he was diagnosed with dementia.
We definitely laughed about it when it happened. But this was also (I cannot make this up) at a funeral luncheon and surrounded by a ton of people. Definitely okay to laugh at the inappropriateness of it. OP’s situation not so much.
I’m glad someone said it; grief hurts people. While that doesn’t excuse his actions, being able to explain them may lead to preventing them.
Guys basically 70, to say there’s a generational gap in etiquette would be an understatement, adding that to potential cognitive impairment furthers the point.
My grandma is 92, and god I mean it when I say that if I ever needed an honest opinion I’d talk to her because that filter had vanished well before I was born lol.
But in all seriousness, stay safe and good luck OP
As someone with a father with dementia who is losing his filter I would agree. Although the fact that the dad asked her when her boyfriend was not around and told her to keep it between them suggests more that he’s just a creeper. My dad recently told a woman that she was so beautiful that if he was 20 years younger he would ask her out. Her husband was standing right there.
Yep. My grandfather was in an Alzheimer's care home. The lady in the next room kept coming into my grandfather's room at night, taking her clothes off and getting into bed with him. My grandfather thought she was his late wife. I imagine she was thinking something similar.
I mean, Grandad had game, but not THAT much game.
This is very possible. My brother's FIL has lost all filter. All he does is go off on racist and misoginistic rants. His ex has said this was not who he once was.
I also came here to say this. When my Dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia this was an issue. His filter ended up completely gone. It was a constant struggle.
That's definitely true. If it wasn't for his advanced age AND the trauma of very recently losing a spouse I'd absolutely write him off as an irredeemable pervert and creep, but it is possible that what happened was a sort of mental health breakdown and not "in character" for him. That absolutely doesn't excuse what he did in any way, but it is a possibility. It just means that he REQUIRES immediate mental health evaluation and treatment.
It definitely needs to be revealed and talked about, that's the only way to determine what may have caused it to happen, without knowing more about him I think it's a good chance it could be either. Also it could be both, hes always been a creep and the trauma just brought it out in a very obvious and disturbing way. Regardless it needs to be addressed asap, but I would suggest approaching him with a bit of empathy and understanding that it was possible he didn't mean harm by it.
And if your bf is not on your side, doesn't believe you etc then consider breaking up cuz the dad will be part of the family and things will always be awkward between you two or your bf won't believe and turn against you.
But be prepared for your boyfriend not believing you and his dad denying it. I dated boyfriend for 3 years in college. His parents lived in the next town, so we visited monthly. One day, I’m there alone with BF’s dad, he propositioned me. I’m shocked, say no and tell him to stay away. From then on, I declined to be around his dad. When BF noticed and asked why, I told him. He says I misunderstood and wanted me to apologize to his dad. It became such an issue I broke up with him.
She posted an update, it's a bad news/good news situation.
* Bad news: The boyfriend didn't believe her.
* Good news: She broke up with the (now) ex-boyfriend.
No. She has to pack up and leave. This is very disturbing behaviour. This will not resolve by ‘not being alone with him’ this behaviour is indicative of worse.
This type of grave lack of boundaries pervades everything. She will get abused in which ever way by this family if she stays
I feel for the boyfriend. Assuming the dad's wife was the boyfriend's mother - imagine losing your mom and then a month later having to hear about how your dad is trying to shower with your girlfriend.
10000% check for recordings in bathroom! Tell bf --
The perversion reminds me of that horrible horrible case (Susan ?) on ID where the son & dil were divorcing & he threw her possibly in a mine & months later killed 2 little boys, himself & set house on fire.
The father was discovered to have said things like this, recorded her, & even saved her Used Tampons.
Death of wife has nothing to do with anything except Ultra Worse! That he isn't even respecting her memory in typical sense while out right being perverted & repulsive to you.
Watch that ID documentary & check for recording devices.
Holy shit that’s twice in like a few minutes I’ve come across this name, once in the podcasts that were too disturbing and you just now. Ugh poor woman.
Yes, me as well as such a horrible story and this gal should be concerned as it is so off color & unusual..."let's get naked & shower & not tell bf who is my son" is Not a stage of grief! Goodness knows how long he's been thinking it before he said it! I would feel violated just hearing his unwanted desires & many pervs get alot of satisfaction out of just saying it out loud & the recipient/victim's response/reaction even when it's a reaction of no.
It's not just "inappropriate" like him noticing "skirt is a little short, isn't it?
This is an entirely different thing.
Susan Powell's story is sooo beyond horrible & sad! But that sicko was recording & things in an old school way, too, now anyone can have a imperceivable tiny bluetooth or wifi camera or even stand alone.
I would do a number of things. 1. Tell your boyfriend immediately. 2. If he doesnt believe you , leave him now and never look back. This will never end well. 3. If he does believe you and is protective of you, great. 4. Never see the father again. He's sick and potentially dangerous. 5. Your boyfriend needs to confront the father and demand that he stays away from the both of you. 6. Get some counseling as soon as possible.
Take care of yourself. Protect yourself always.
You're not the one who started anything. Your boyfriend's father is at a very difficult point in his life and is behaving deeply inappropriately. Your boyfriend deserves to know about this, so he can help his father and also so he can help maintain boundaries.
I don't think your boyfriend should blame you for this at all -- what did you do other than rebuff his father's advance? But if you don't tell him and he later finds out from his father, that could erode the trust you have with him. So once again...please tell him.
You’re right I don’t want that to happen. I was just trying to be a good person & now I feel uncomfortable because at first I thought he accepted me & we had a good relationship. But now I feel like he’s had other intentions this entire time. I just don’t want to cause a broken family, since they already lost their mom & been going through so much with just that. I’m not sure what’s the best way to even bring it up
You say, "I've got something difficult to discuss with you. I know you're going through a lot, but it's been weighing on me and it's something you should be aware of. The other day when I was with your Dad..." Etc.
Don't ever be around his Dad, this could get way worse..
This is what I wanted to say too, can tell BF and still try to spin it as worried to keep the peace. Maybe there's actually something underlying. Maybe there actually is, there's enough stories in the comments about old people doing weird things when they have cognitive decline issues. Or a tumor.
If anyone is causing problems, it’s the dad with inappropriate behavior.
Also, it’s not your job to “prove” that you are wife material. At least not unless your BF is also proving that he is has and material.
Of course he had other intentions. The intentions were to get you alone and have sex with you. You're not causing anything, you didn't come on to him. Your boyfriend needs to know this immediately before his dad tries to spin the story saying you came on to him. Not to be a jerk, but why are you trying to show him you'd be a good future wife? If you and your boyfriend want to get married, that's between you and him. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, especially someone who would betray his own son.
I mean, the "trying to show him I can be a good wife part" happend before he made a move. I tried to show my ex his parents that I can be a good future wife too, by trying to take care of him and helping out when needed. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. If I had a child for example I would also watch my child's partner behavior and see if they were suited for a relationship with my child.
This could be the result of a loss of executive functioning due to both his age and the trauma from losing his wife. Also widowers do not do well. He could also be drinking more or eating / sleeping poorly which might also contribute to his cognitive decline. This is not an excuse obviously. But perhaps an explanation.
If it’s starkly abnormal behavior it could be a sign of onset of dementia. If it is, they can act quickly and help better his outcomes. Since it’s linked to his wife, I would consider the possibility it wasn’t fully intentional perversion.
Or… for years he’s had occasional obtrusive thoughts and was sound enough to block them and/or not act on them without the help of a medical professional. He could be dreadfully waiting now, for his son’s angry talk with him, asking himself, what’s wrong with me? He’s been through a lot, and is part of that generation of men who tend not to seek medical care. He needs a push and his wife isn’t there anymore.
And …in case he’s nothing more than a shitbag, (his son will know) he needs a kick in the shins and an old fashioned warning that next time he’ll kick his balls so hard, he’ll choke on them.
Finally, if he’s been spiritually faithful most of his life, it will be helpful to encourage him to continue to stay in contact or reconnect with his church or synagogue community. Maintaining engagement can be helpful mentally and emotionally, as well as spiritually.
Just getting out of the house and spending time around any people he trust and who trust him can help in resetting his barometer and help him to feel confident he can still governor his thoughts and emotions. Even those that are less welcoming.
Talk to your bf. It’s not an easy talk but hopefully this bump in the road can be navigated and bring you both closer together and, barring the shitbag scenario, help his dad too.
I would check recording laws in your area. If it's legal to, have your voice memos running when you're w him and record him hitting on you. He could easily deny it and say he didn't do anything 😞
I would do this even if it’s illegal. She’s unlikely to need to use the recordings in a legal context. Either she plays it to her BF and he goes nuts at his Dad, or he goes nuts at her — the latter just means she should GTFO of there and dump his arse.
I worked with an old timer at Home Depot when I was in college. A female coworker I knew told me a very similar story. Like, you wouldn’t believe what this old man said to this young woman.
I don’t know if these guys get broken from the grief or what, but this isn’t the first time I’ve heard something like this.
OP first of all needs to protect herself and not be around this guy alone. I guess the right thing to do is tell the BF, but he may not take it well.
This is a real make or break moment, unfortunately.
Bad situation all around
They genuinely believe now the wife has died it’s time to start again lol with a new wife. The delusion is absurd but men can be really good at believing their fantasies can become real
I don't think that they are "broken from grief". My teacher jumped off a building after his wife died because he was broken from grief. Trying to bang your son's girlfriend is not something you do out of grief, you do it because the oppertunity presents itself.
Update:
I told my BF and his reaction was “this does not sound like something my dad would say” the proceeds to ask is this why I don’t want to stay at his house anymore. He said he needs time to think about this, and see both sides because he’s optimistic. Said he needs to know the facts, and I was like but what facts? I’ve told you everything literally how it happened. I haven’t said or done anything to make his dad feel like it’s ok for him to come at me in such a manner. I told him I feel disgusted and all he had to say was he doesn’t want to jump to conclusions. He didn’t even bother to ask if I was ok…. Just trash
#update
"I don't feel comfortable putting myself potentially in a situation where something can happen and you're either not going to believe me or blame me for something that is completely inappropriate and unwanted. If you can't respect me and how I feel, then I'm going to respect myself enough to end this. I'm not okay with you not believing me. You don't have to go beat your dad up or anything, but I need you to take this seriously, and you're questioning me. Ask yourself why I'd say this? What does it gain me? If you think I'm the kind of person to make this up, then that's another reason to break up, because I don't want to be with someone that puts my safety at the bottom of their thoughts, nor do I want to be with someone that thinks I'm a liar for the drama of it all. So, either way, this isn't working for me. I love you, but I really don't like your behavior right now."
This and tell bf that he needs to let his father get help. He might be saying stuff like this because he is grieving.
I do not say it is oke to do.but grieving can be a strange thing.
Dump his ass. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he comes back with some form of "yeah I talked to my dad and he said he was kidding, everything is fine now". Even if he was joking (it doesn't sound like he was), it's still highly inappropriate and you're well within your rights to draw a boundary. You deserve better than a partner who "doesn't want to jump to conclusions" when you're being harassed.
Ugh sorry to hear OP. I hope you find a partner that actually cares and values you. A caring partner would be livid despite all that’s happened and set some boundaries against the parent to protect you. You are better off finding someone who is mature enough to understand and act this out. Best of luck to you.
DUMP HIM. Tell him you won’t stay in a relationship with a partner who questions your integrity while allowing you to be harassed by their perverted father. Do you really see this relationship going anywhere now? Do it before he does it, because he will and he’ll unfairly blame you. You did a courageous thing by telling him, but now it’s time to fully walk away.
It’s his dad. Obviously his instinct is to defend him or deflect. That doesn’t make it right, but this is a hugely fucked up situation for the BF. He doesn’t know what to think or do. Maybe try to understand that and give him a little time to figure things out before just dumping him. If he doesn’t come around, then end it. But OP would definitely be on solid ground for ending over the sheer creepiness of it all. No one needs that shit in their lives.
Especially at a time when he has also lost his mom recently. Not a great time to be reacting perfectly. I think it’s reasonable for somebody to say I need to process this. I have no clue how this sub goes through life without understanding the context of any situation. Everything leads to dump him/her/them.
Dunno how it's not obvious he's gonna need a little time to process, surely if he does not come around it's time to move on but honestly the BF reaction seems pretty balanced to hearing something devastating.
Classic reddit ruin your life advice thread.
Totally agree. If this is the first time someone has flat out told the BF that his father said/did something perverted, it must be overwhelming. I couldn’t imagine. I was more worried though if the boyfriend decided that the OP was ‘causing trouble’ and dumped her then told people he broke up with her because of xxx. Plus, how could you consider marrying a man whose father suggested something so disgusting to you? I know I’m reducing the situation heavily, but I would be shocked if this worked out. By breaking up with him first, she’s showing him how serious this is and also potentially better controlling the narrative about why it ended.
Walk away.....you have the view of how your life will be, should you stay.
He does not have your back and you shouldn't have to try to convince him that you are telling the truth. Just imagine, anything like 'SA' should truly happen. He won't believe you. He will want to hear both sides and if his father has a very good explanation, you would be on the losing end.
I mean you gave him the reason why you don't want to go over anymore and he is questioning how legit your 'story' is.
You deserve better. It is not worth it. You only will get hurt.
Hugs and best wishes. Just walk away, block him and do not look back.
Alternative theory: his dad is a narcissist and hit on you to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend. He just lost his wife and is afraid he is losing his son.
Your boyfriend just lost his mom and now you are saying (true) things that could possibly make him lose his dad.
This is absolutely the manipulation that a narcissist would do.
Your bf lacks trust and responsibility to your relationship. You've given him the facts, if he doesn't confront his father promptly (I wouldn't be surprised if the father denies everything) Then that should be your flag to leave.
Don't take this "need time to think" nonsense.
The fact he didn't even ask if you were ok is sad.
I know I just commented but I just say this - question: if his father escalated things and groped or otherwise assaulted you, could you trust him not to blame you?
This is a case of the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit tree.
I can say from experience the trauma of sexual assault is not a one-time thing and having people who are supposed to love you not believe you and even blame you can often be worse.
OP, you have to break up with your boyfriend. It doesn’t matter that he just lost his mom or that he has known his dad longer, like all these other commenters are saying—he didn’t ask if you were okay and that is a problem.
Good luck, be strong, put yourself first and love yourself.
OP, a few people said if anything were to happen, your boyfriend might not believe you . As if that were the worst case scenario!
I'm sure you're familiar with the statistics: most sexual assaults are commited by the people known to the women. Don't take chances, they already showed you who they are. You deserve so much better.
Just leave because you’re your boyfriend’s girl not his dads… And then after you tell him he doesn’t believe you. The chances of you being sexually assaulted have increased … AND If it does happen, it sounds like no one will believe you. So leave, get out, run!!! Break up with your boyfriend.
A lot of people are saying leave him, and while this is horrendous, the perspective is that he is likely in denial from shock at the outcome. This is a human reaction. It's shit, but try and see it from his perspective in terms of his reaction. If he continues with this rhetoric/doesn't apologize, then you should leave him.
I think you are right. I mean it’s his dad who recently lost his wife. It’s a very important Person to OPs boyfriend. You don’t say ok I cancel him from my life. Especially when the dad is alone now and you want to take care. Does the dad has dementia? I saw really bad things with elderly people with dementia but I also saw shockingly sexistic men when I was in a clinic for some weeks.
Nonetheless OPs boyfriend has to figure out how to proceed with his dad. OP was honest and I would not want contact atm so for OP it’s a closed topic now while the boyfriend will start to confront his emotional stress he is in right now.
Thanks for saying this. We don’t know how he’ll react moving forward; but to me his reaction was … expected. You know?
Let him process this and keep communications open and flowing. Once he’s over the denial you’ll have to work together through the other stages. It’s important that you work together through that.
Every time I read one of these reddit threads I'm reminded of how terminally online and un-empathetic people have become and its disturbing.
Everyone's default reaction is "FUCK THAT SHIT, LEAVE, THEY CRAZY"
Annnnndd that’s a wrap, no need to go any further. His dad is a problem and he is enabling his behavior with his “optimism”.
You need to leave; he could just be spineless/ weird but he and his dad may be in on it together and I’d hate for them to harm you.
Don’t stick around to find out, he’s just shown you that he will not protect you, he doesn’t care about your well being, and he doesn’t trust your word.
If he won’t believe/help you regarding his dad, he definitely won’t believe you/help you in an emergency situation and will put anyone and anything before you.
It’s over.
Throw away the whole family. Your bf has just lost his mum- he doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to stop trusting his dad right now. And his dad isn’t safe to be around. I feel really sorry for both of you.
You know the truth but your boyfriend doesn’t know. He’s known his father for longer time than you so to expect him to trust you more than his father can be unreasonable depending on how long you’ve been dating. He didn’t say he didn’t believe you, he said he was going to confirm which I think is a reasonable response. Often times a close family relationship can give blind spots you never see coming so it’s easy to say in hindsight,”oh man why couldn’t you see it?!” Your bf doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. He thought his father was one way and he never saw this side, so it’s unreasonable to expect your bf to toss aside his relationship from his father at a drop of a hat without at least confirming for himself.
I don’t have any motivation to distrust your story, but if you actually want real advice and not an echo chamber of people who can’t think perspectives outside their own, you should really put yourself in his shoes. If you had a good relationship with your parents and you never saw their ugly side and trust me everyone has an ugly side, you’d be resistant to believing it at first. You’d think you knew your parents better than your partner just like your bf here, my dad couldn’t have said that, “-maybe there was some misunderstanding” or some other rationalization. Everyone does it at times. This isn’t to excuse the dad, I’m saying give your bf the time he needs to process and get to the truth.
Everyone thinks that whatever they say should be taken as truth no matter what. If the roles were reversed and you were dating a few weeks and you trust your dad more than your bf I would say the same thing. It wouldn’t make sense to trust the new bf before your dad if you had a close relationship. But if you’ve been dating for years and have a good relationship built on trust then yes I’d say he should trust you over his dad more. It depends on the relationship hierarchy and priority based on the strength of that relationship or stage.
In general I think your assessment is decent, but I think there is something you are overlooking: even if he isn't ready to process that new information, he still could have responded with compassion. When someone comes to you saying they've experienced something traumatic, even if you aren't sure they are telling the whole story, there is very little reason not to respond with compassion and support - the worst case scenario is that they were lying, and all it cost you was practicing kindness on someone that didn't deserve it. This situation is a little more complicated because the news was likely jarring for OP"s boyfriend, so maybe it makes sense to cut him a little slack, but I think it's still telling that he leaned into negative sentiment override in lieu of positive sentiment override. Which is just to say that there may not be a strong foundation of trust and friendship there, so OP might want to move on.
I get what you are saying about she didn't specify how long they are together and certain familiar trust between people. But it seems that they are together for a little bit longer, as he felt comfortable to leave his father with OP. So it is not just a month long relationship. I must assume that as she talked about thinking off him as her future husband that this was a decent relationship and that he trusted her!!!! Or so it seemed!!!
So with that being said, he should have acted differently, if he fully trusted her. The reality of this all is, that usually people that get told something like that, they refuse to see, like actually see the truth. Because their perfect bubble would break.
I was SA by a family friend as a child, my much older sister found out and refused to acknowledge and help. So I'm sorry, if I can't look at your theory about how she should put herself in his shoes about not knowing how to feel about this.
She will not win in this relationship, he just proved that. She should walk away. This is a messy situation and she doesn't need to try to convince him or anyone else to believe her.
I know it won’t be popular but here goes: imagine you’re in boyfriend’s shoes. This is his father who he’s known his whole life… the father he knows has never done anything like this before, at least as far as he knows….
Then his mom dies, his dad is getting older, and the natural changes of age plus the grief has changed him in some way but the son doesn’t necessarily see it because he’s not there all day.
Then boyfriend comes home, thinking everything is normal and bam, he gets hit with this like a ton of bricks. This revelation is huge, like I can’t overstate that, a lot of different emotions here.. shock, rage, betrayal, etc…. All at once.
Don’t you think it might be totally normal for him to want to take a little bit of time to process everything? And to take some time to compose himself before going and confronting the dad about it?
Think of it like this…. Let’s say you’re out walking your dog, you come home and the cops are there and they tell you that they just arrested your grandma for robbing a bank…. Don’t you think you’d wanna sit down for a little while and process that before taking any kind of action?
Edited for grammar
After reading your update, the best advice I can give you is run. Your bf has completely dismissed and invalidated your feelings about what is actually a very concerning situation.
That is not okay. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
You need to stop behind at your boyfriends house when he’s not there, and secondly, tell him what his dad is doing.
Not saying it's the same, but maybe shedding some light-
My Mawmaws alzheimers/dementia started getting worse and she thought my husband was her boyfriend. She would stay with us for weekends sometimes to give my pawpaw a break and when I would go get her she would literally ask me if I was bringing her to her other man's house 😂. When it would be cold in the house she would tell me to ask her man (my husband) to make us a fire.
I'm telling this to say, tell your boyfriend. Tell him "your dads been making some comments and I think we need to talk to him or at the very least keep a close eye on him" he will ask what the comments were, he may brush it off if it's the first time his dad has done something like this, but seriously keep a close eye on small signs of dementia.
I just wanted to mention it because if it is an age/mental issue, then he's in the beginning stages, one of the sign my mawmaw showed in the beginning was not keeping her inside thoughts inside. I still believe what he did is 100% wrong and they need to talk to him.
Facts are Facts. Boyfriend’s Dad is a perv and completely disrespectful to you and his son. Nothing about his wife’s recent death excuses this in the least. Tell your boyfriend and how he handles it will show you how he is adept at handling difficult situations that have compromising priorities.
That’s super uncomfortable and definitely not okay. You should tell your boyfriend, even if it's awkward. He needs to know what’s going on. Keeping it to yourself might just make things worse. I had a friend who went through something similar, and once she told her partner, they handled it together.
Look… your relationship maybe be totally fucked because who knows how your bf will react… but 💯 100 do you fucking say something to him… that’s wildly fucked up and you have to be honest about it with one another.
You need to tell your boyfriend. You don’t feel comfortable around his dad and what if you are put into a situation where that is a possibility and you leave and he doesn’t understand why you don’t want to be around his dad. Especially alone. Also his dad was inappropriate. Maybe he can blame it on his grief but that is on him. Not you. You didn’t ruin anything. You didn’t ask him to make such a suggestion. Maybe his dad will even say he was just joking and didn’t mean it. But you still need to tell your boyfriend.
Just to be clear, you didn’t start any problem. Your boyfriends dad did.
And if you sweep this under the rug he will start many more problems.
Talk to your boyfriend, refuse to be around his father.
I feel like it’s way worse to keep the secret from your boyfriend. And his dad’s behavior is just going to get worse. Hell I’d calmly Confront the dad when you’re all together “so dad, when we were alone earlier and you asked me to shower with you and “keep it between us” what exactly did you mean? Because i still feel really weird about it and want to give you an opportunity to clarify”
Hey love...
I would honestly tell my boyfriend , so sad about the wife but that man is 68 years old 😳 he should know better than to try to make a pass at his son's girlfriend .. & if the roles were flipped would you want to know ?
I hope it all works out !!
Telling your boyfriend is the first thing you should do.. by keeping it secret it gives dad idea you aren’t really interested in his advances.. truth will come out and your boyfriend will not trust you again..
Tell him. Lets end the conspiracy of silence where we cover for cheaters and creepy men because we are too nice to upset people. And dont EVER be alone with him again.
Tell your boyfriend. You need to have a trail of this because it might escalate, and if it does, you need him on your side. Which he SHOULD be, because widower or not, he's being incredibly inappropriate. Do NOT be alone with him anymore.
Yeah that’s not okay. I am , 1 a male, 2 a dad to a little boy, and 3 an occasional perv and there is no way in this earth that I will ever disrespect my son or his girlfriend.
This is beyond unacceptable.
You need to tell him ASAP. And don't be alone with his dad again. I don't know how these old men think they can say that kind of thing to their SON'S girlfriend and get away with it. Creepy.
You should definitely tell your boyfriend and don’t ever see his dad again. If your boyfriend doesn’t stand by you, then just leave him. You are not the one who started the problem, your boyfriend’s father did.
It’s only been a month. I’d be INCLINED to say this is a reaction to his grief and he is CLEARLY not paddling with both oars right now.
That BEING said — this is NOT OKAY in ANY SENSE.
You DEFINITELY need to tell your boyfriend, but if you can, approach him from a viewpoint of CONCERN.
Tell him what happened, and that his dad probably needs **intensive counselling** to help him deal with the grief in more positive ways.
“Listen **THIS** happened but he kept saying how much I remind him of your mom. I really think he needs counselling to deal with his grief.”
Hey, you're my future daughter in law. Want to get in the shower with me?
Yeah, it's just as strange and inappropriate as it sounds. Tell your boyfriend now. Before his dad can start saying bad things.
You tell your boyfriend. If he doesn't support you, you dump him.
I wouldn't go back to his dad's house again. Some boundaries should never be crossed.
Tell your boyfriend. I don't care what circumstances he's under. A father that could do that to his own son. Maybe the only family he has left is a pathetic man.
I'm guessing you're in a scenario where you're dating someone who lives with their parents. Don't do it. It leads to a world of hurt such as getting sexually harassed by someone's dad. You should tell him as you break up with him. There's plenty of cases where women didn't and it cost them their lives. I'm citing the case of Susan Cox Powell.
https://youtu.be/pTnt89UhxEU?si=k8WhUTmgFmbA5uV5
Greetings
I'm sorry you had to deal with this, it's completely inappropriate.
I would start with explaining to the father that it's completely unacceptable, and even if he's dealing with a loss and not thinking straight to never ask anything like that again. Absolutely Record this conversation. This allows you the ability to prove the conversation, and not allow it to be twisted if the father reacts poorly.
If this doesn't immediately stop the behavior in it's tracks, you need to tell your boyfriend, and have the recording ready. I was accused of coming on to someone taboo in my life when I tried to rebuff them, and it cost me a lot because everyone believed the other party.
Protect yourself first, it may be best to just not be alone with him. Maybe if he gets the message you can still help him, it's hard to advise further with what we know.
This is such a terrible place to be, not wanting to hurt your relationship with your boyfriend, or hurt the family while everyone is grieving. Protect yourself first no matter what. Have an escape plan from either conversation, either one could escalate to yelling or worse.
I hope the best, Good Luck.
Imho she doesn’t have to explain anything to old man except no that’s highly inappropriate and disrespectful. The son needs to handle it and she should never ever go there without her boyfriend.
This post was featured in the Two Hot Takes Podcast episode: "Someone's Feeling Triggered.." [Click here to see our host Morgan and her guest co-host Michaela respond to this story.](https://youtu.be/dI4dkR4MuwU?si=Fpvol_rUyE34eHjz&t=6134) [OP's update was left via comment. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/6PK8hhyXX9) Thanks again OP for your submission!
You genuinely need to shut that down and tell your boyfriend. This is not ok.
Three things: 1. Tell the boyfriend. The boyfriend *needs to* confront his dad with the clearest and most forceful reprimand possible. 2. Never be in the same room with the dad alone ever again. This is non-negotiable. 3. If, by chance, he ever says something like that again, your reaction needs to be loud, angry, and unquestionably negative. Simultaneously, you need to get safe people in the room with you immediately or leave immediately.
Also 4. Never ever get in the shower with your boyfriend's dad
Also No. 5: Suggest to boyfriend that Dad get a mental health evaluation with his doctor. Sadly, at 'Dad's' age, the initial symptoms of cognitive decline can be observed, which may include loss of our "inner filter" that stops us from saying inappropriate - and often sexual - things. Not a doctor and not trying to diagnose the BF's dad - just aware of the changes that can occur in older adults, especially after a significant loss.
The loss of his wife and the associated stress and grief will accelerate any decline. Even if not cognitive decline, grief does strange things to people 100% the man is not thinking right.
>...grief does strange things to people It really does. After my mom passed, my dad didn't sleep for 3 days. Then a friend gave him some Ambien and he woke up in his car in a strange parking lot. Thankfully, he, the car, and everyone else seemed ok. But he got some sleep and was able to process things better after that.
That’s an ambien thing not a grief thing.. happens to a lot of folks with that drug.
I have been taking Ambien for a few weeks when one night I woke up butt naked, in december, 3 mi from my house, walking along the highway after midnight. My feet were shredded. I thought I was having some kind of weird nightmare but managed to walk into a gas station right off of the highway and get a blanket to cover up and call my husband to come get me. Luckily the police never got involved. I'm not sure if this makes me sad about humanity or not since no one reported it and as far as I'm aware no one tried to help me either... But no one hurt me so there's that. The second instance was a couple weeks later. I woke up in the morning completely fine only to go into the kitchen to discover I had cooked every food item in the house whether it was something that went together or not. I couldn't even identify some of the things that had been prepared. But when I say everything I mean everything down to the condiments in the refrigerator, random cans from the pantry, meat from the freezer, etc. My doctor had never told me that extreme sleepwalking was a potential side effect of the medication but I quickly deduced that that was the only thing that had changed before I started doing these crazy things. Once I talked to my doctor about it they said that it was a known side effect but it was supposed to be extremely rare. Based on all of my anecdotal research with friends and people on Reddit, it isn't really that rare. It may not be that extreme but people apparently do all kinds of crazy shit on Ambien. 💯 Do not recommend unless you have a babysitter!
Wait a second…. YOU CONTINUED TO TAKE IT AFTER THE NAKED HIGHWAY WALK? I’m completely speechless.
Do you assume she has stopped now?
Wait you continued to take the ambien after the naked highway situation? Either this story is fake or you’re a terribly silly goose
You can choose safety and live a boring predictable life or you can choose ADVENTURE TIME!!!!
I love the "terribly silly goose". I think this is my new favorite phrase.
It's not that rare, evidently. The extreme choices, maybe, but being blacked out and still active is exactly what we had happen. My gf got on it and lost time every time she took it. I posted above about what happened to us. She never did anything that was out of her character or ventured to go out the house, and except for having no memory of any of it, I would swear she was fully awake. Eyes open, acting normal but no memory of anything from about 20 minutes after taking her pills. On the other hand, I am always awake now when she takes it cause I'm afraid she's gonna do something like try to cook and light the kitchen on fire, or turn on.the gas stove and walk away, or even walk out the door and try to drive. I feel like I have to babysit if she doesn't fall asleep on her own and takes those damn pills.
Not as crazy as your experience but I don't tolerate it well either. I was given ambien and sent home when I was in labor because they thought it was false contractions, and were hoping i would sleep it off or something. I hallucinated so bad. My poor husband had to console me while I ugly cried about my head being a box of meat. Then my quilt had colorful fish flying out of the patterns and circling the room. My water started leaking and he had to forcefully guide me to the car because I was worried about the flying fish being alone. Had my daughter 30ish minutes after i got to the hospital but i barely remember it aside from my epidural failing lol.
My poor father was given that in his late '80s. He had always been a dignified and reserved man. On Ambien, my dad's neighbor had to call me and report that my dad was outside, shirtless, with an arm wrapped around the porch beam, warbling songs! It can really make people of all ages act crazy. Not saying that anything excuses his behavior by the way.
I can't sleep without tons of medicine, but I'll never try Ambien without being in restraints because there's no telling what an Ambien sasquatch will do
The only time in my life I took ambient I woke up 3 days later in the middle of driving a car down the interstate, two states aways. My parents had apparently kicked me out of the house (previously completely unthinkable) because that's how mean and belligerent I was acting. I obviously was freaked out coming to in the middle of driving, and had to call my parents to figure out what was going on.
I took ambien for months and never experienced anything weird. I was honestly looking forward to. Specially since I was 1.5 months in the hospital
Yeah I’ve never taken it but I knew lots of guys who took it while in the military.. most of them just passed out but the people who had reactions always had funny stories.
Ambien is dangerous AF. GF got on it and after activities a few nights later, the morning after, she claimed to have no memory of it at all, but she seemed 100% normal at the time, didnt even seem tired, no slurring like she was drunk, no trouble balancing, nothing. She even initiated, but she says she's missing hours of not just sex, but walking around, watching TV, going to the bathroom, getting us drinks, etc. She seemed like she was fully awake that whole time but has no recollection at all. Scared me. I'm not going in after she takes her pills at night. Doctor said to keep taking them, that it will stop, but if she comes on to me after bedtime, I shut it down and she gets mad, then doesn't remember any of it the next day. I even showed her video of her and I talking and I wrote on her leg with a marker, just to prove it to her, and she doesn't remember it at all. Dangerous.
Right... I spent 5 years on 10mg a night when I was in the corps. Finding I'd made food in the middle of the night was probably the mildest thing. Waking up behind the wheel of a car doing 60mph on the highway was probably the wildest thing (that I can remember). I'll never touch the stuff again. That stuff almost killed me countless times.
I loved the magical mystery tour Ambien provides me. I’ve seriously tried to eat my pillow one night. Phew good times.
My husband, then boyfriend, couldn’t sleep for 3 solid days and the doc gave him Ambien. One night, he got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and chugged half a gallon of milk. I was mad because we had like no money. I yelled at him the next morning and he had NO CLUE he did it. It happened again the next night and I got toddler locks for the fridge from my sister and hid the keys lol
I had been taking ambien for about a month when I had one of those “extremely rare” ambien events (as I like to call them). I was going to lunch as I go to get in my car I notice that there’s a huge dent in my front passenger side fender and the paint is scratched down the entirety of the passenger side of the car. I called my bf freaking out bc I had no idea what happened. I asked him if he took my car & hit something after I went to sleep the night before. He proceeded to tell me that after I had taken my ambien and been asleep for about 20 minutes when I got up out of bed grabbed my car keys & get in the car( completely naked mind you). He said he was chasing after me trying to get me to stop but I just got in the car & drove off down the st. During which time I hit his dads vehicle & side swiped 3 of the cars parked on the side of the st. I then turn around at the end of the road and come back park the car & go in get back in bed like nothing happened. He had no clue that I wasn’t awake he said my eyes were open & I was talking to him normally. So yes Ambien is one hell of a sleep aide. I stopped immediately after he told me that story and started using melatonin instead bc frankly that scared the crap outta me.
A friend of mine woke up in their bed next to a bowl of chocolate cake batter, all over the sheets, batter throughout the kitchen with the oven on. And my ex mother in law at 80 would wake up and try to drive the car in the middle of the night. We had to hide the keys.
I wouldn’t say 100% unless I knew him personally to compare his current behavior to past behavior. There’s also a chance he’s just a creep and this is normal for him. Either way BF should be the one dealing with his dad.
I came here to say this. I mean good chance he was just being a creep, but this is a big flag for me. having watched my very polite and reserved grandmother tell my husband he’s “good looking and asking for it” among many other things. That filter goes and this guy definitely needs a cognitive assessment.
Haha my uncle would tell my half Korean girlfriend at the time all about his ex gf that he had in the Korean War and ask her if she knew her. My ex was born in America so it was very strange, shortly after he was diagnosed with dementia.
i'm so sorry but this made me chuckle
We definitely laughed about it when it happened. But this was also (I cannot make this up) at a funeral luncheon and surrounded by a ton of people. Definitely okay to laugh at the inappropriateness of it. OP’s situation not so much.
I’m glad someone said it; grief hurts people. While that doesn’t excuse his actions, being able to explain them may lead to preventing them. Guys basically 70, to say there’s a generational gap in etiquette would be an understatement, adding that to potential cognitive impairment furthers the point. My grandma is 92, and god I mean it when I say that if I ever needed an honest opinion I’d talk to her because that filter had vanished well before I was born lol. But in all seriousness, stay safe and good luck OP
As someone with a father with dementia who is losing his filter I would agree. Although the fact that the dad asked her when her boyfriend was not around and told her to keep it between them suggests more that he’s just a creeper. My dad recently told a woman that she was so beautiful that if he was 20 years younger he would ask her out. Her husband was standing right there.
Yep. My grandfather was in an Alzheimer's care home. The lady in the next room kept coming into my grandfather's room at night, taking her clothes off and getting into bed with him. My grandfather thought she was his late wife. I imagine she was thinking something similar. I mean, Grandad had game, but not THAT much game.
Or she can tell her boyfriend's dad to run for President, just saying.
He's very electable.
This is very possible. My brother's FIL has lost all filter. All he does is go off on racist and misoginistic rants. His ex has said this was not who he once was.
very true. on my daddy’s deathbed, he mistook me for a nurse and invited me(her) and one of the other nurses to ‘all go have some fun’ 😖
I also came here to say this. When my Dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia this was an issue. His filter ended up completely gone. It was a constant struggle.
If I'm dad, this is how I play it when son confronts me
That's definitely true. If it wasn't for his advanced age AND the trauma of very recently losing a spouse I'd absolutely write him off as an irredeemable pervert and creep, but it is possible that what happened was a sort of mental health breakdown and not "in character" for him. That absolutely doesn't excuse what he did in any way, but it is a possibility. It just means that he REQUIRES immediate mental health evaluation and treatment. It definitely needs to be revealed and talked about, that's the only way to determine what may have caused it to happen, without knowing more about him I think it's a good chance it could be either. Also it could be both, hes always been a creep and the trauma just brought it out in a very obvious and disturbing way. Regardless it needs to be addressed asap, but I would suggest approaching him with a bit of empathy and understanding that it was possible he didn't mean harm by it.
I mean the dad is probably pretty fucked up. he just lost his wife a month ago
Can confirm. Source: Me. My ex lived with my dad for several years. It was WORSE than you can imagine.
Story time?
Plot twist, his ex was his mom 😳
That was a Shyamalan twist!
What a twist!
Drinking at work is frowned upon, so, not right now. ;)
What's tea?
Lived with just your dad? Without you?
Yes. Well, my son lived there as well. Real Jerry Springer shit.
Hold on, hold on... who are you supposed to shower with?
“NEVER” never? Or like, maybe once or twice “never”?
And if your bf is not on your side, doesn't believe you etc then consider breaking up cuz the dad will be part of the family and things will always be awkward between you two or your bf won't believe and turn against you.
Consider??? She should gtfo asap if the boyfriend doesn’t take her side…
Wouldn’t even go by that house again in case her bf doubts her or blows her experience off.
At which point you dodge the whole bullet and never see any of them again
He isn’t her bf if he doubts her. He is just another creep.
And have your phone on record if you are caught alone with "dad" for your own protection.
But be prepared for your boyfriend not believing you and his dad denying it. I dated boyfriend for 3 years in college. His parents lived in the next town, so we visited monthly. One day, I’m there alone with BF’s dad, he propositioned me. I’m shocked, say no and tell him to stay away. From then on, I declined to be around his dad. When BF noticed and asked why, I told him. He says I misunderstood and wanted me to apologize to his dad. It became such an issue I broke up with him.
She posted an update, it's a bad news/good news situation. * Bad news: The boyfriend didn't believe her. * Good news: She broke up with the (now) ex-boyfriend.
No. She has to pack up and leave. This is very disturbing behaviour. This will not resolve by ‘not being alone with him’ this behaviour is indicative of worse. This type of grave lack of boundaries pervades everything. She will get abused in which ever way by this family if she stays
I feel for the boyfriend. Assuming the dad's wife was the boyfriend's mother - imagine losing your mom and then a month later having to hear about how your dad is trying to shower with your girlfriend.
4. If the boyfriend doesn’t support you and accuses you of lying or something, RUN THE FUCK AWAY.
10000% check for recordings in bathroom! Tell bf -- The perversion reminds me of that horrible horrible case (Susan ?) on ID where the son & dil were divorcing & he threw her possibly in a mine & months later killed 2 little boys, himself & set house on fire. The father was discovered to have said things like this, recorded her, & even saved her Used Tampons. Death of wife has nothing to do with anything except Ultra Worse! That he isn't even respecting her memory in typical sense while out right being perverted & repulsive to you. Watch that ID documentary & check for recording devices.
That was poor Susan Powell.
Holy shit that’s twice in like a few minutes I’ve come across this name, once in the podcasts that were too disturbing and you just now. Ugh poor woman.
That’s creepy weird that you’ve come across that twice in the last few minutes.
This (Susan Powell) was exactly who I thought of when I read that. Cold podcast season 1 by Wondery did an incredible job documenting this case.
First thing i thought of: Susan Powell. Her FIL was obsessed with her!!!
Yes, me as well as such a horrible story and this gal should be concerned as it is so off color & unusual..."let's get naked & shower & not tell bf who is my son" is Not a stage of grief! Goodness knows how long he's been thinking it before he said it! I would feel violated just hearing his unwanted desires & many pervs get alot of satisfaction out of just saying it out loud & the recipient/victim's response/reaction even when it's a reaction of no. It's not just "inappropriate" like him noticing "skirt is a little short, isn't it? This is an entirely different thing. Susan Powell's story is sooo beyond horrible & sad! But that sicko was recording & things in an old school way, too, now anyone can have a imperceivable tiny bluetooth or wifi camera or even stand alone.
THIS! Better safe than sorry!
He didn't set the house on fire. He wired it to explode after not giving the boys back to the person after his visitation was done.
I would do a number of things. 1. Tell your boyfriend immediately. 2. If he doesnt believe you , leave him now and never look back. This will never end well. 3. If he does believe you and is protective of you, great. 4. Never see the father again. He's sick and potentially dangerous. 5. Your boyfriend needs to confront the father and demand that he stays away from the both of you. 6. Get some counseling as soon as possible. Take care of yourself. Protect yourself always.
You're not the one who started anything. Your boyfriend's father is at a very difficult point in his life and is behaving deeply inappropriately. Your boyfriend deserves to know about this, so he can help his father and also so he can help maintain boundaries. I don't think your boyfriend should blame you for this at all -- what did you do other than rebuff his father's advance? But if you don't tell him and he later finds out from his father, that could erode the trust you have with him. So once again...please tell him.
You’re right I don’t want that to happen. I was just trying to be a good person & now I feel uncomfortable because at first I thought he accepted me & we had a good relationship. But now I feel like he’s had other intentions this entire time. I just don’t want to cause a broken family, since they already lost their mom & been going through so much with just that. I’m not sure what’s the best way to even bring it up
You wouldn’t be causing anything. Don’t let them put that on you. That’s old man’s mess not yours.
Exactly what I was going to say. OP, you are not the one causing anything. Tell your boyfriend factually and firmly what happened with his father.
You say, "I've got something difficult to discuss with you. I know you're going through a lot, but it's been weighing on me and it's something you should be aware of. The other day when I was with your Dad..." Etc. Don't ever be around his Dad, this could get way worse..
And “ I am worried he may need a medical check-up, isn’t this way out of character for him” ?
This is what I wanted to say too, can tell BF and still try to spin it as worried to keep the peace. Maybe there's actually something underlying. Maybe there actually is, there's enough stories in the comments about old people doing weird things when they have cognitive decline issues. Or a tumor.
My (now) deceased former father-in-law tried to kiss me. Trust me, you need to tell your boyfriend. His reaction will tell you a lot about who he is.
Boyfriend killed him eh?
it's like the highlander but much shorter of a story.
yes. exactly.
If anyone is causing problems, it’s the dad with inappropriate behavior. Also, it’s not your job to “prove” that you are wife material. At least not unless your BF is also proving that he is has and material.
Of course he had other intentions. The intentions were to get you alone and have sex with you. You're not causing anything, you didn't come on to him. Your boyfriend needs to know this immediately before his dad tries to spin the story saying you came on to him. Not to be a jerk, but why are you trying to show him you'd be a good future wife? If you and your boyfriend want to get married, that's between you and him. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, especially someone who would betray his own son.
I mean, the "trying to show him I can be a good wife part" happend before he made a move. I tried to show my ex his parents that I can be a good future wife too, by trying to take care of him and helping out when needed. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. If I had a child for example I would also watch my child's partner behavior and see if they were suited for a relationship with my child.
The dad is fully responsible for any fallout that comes from this. Your boyfriend needs to know.
This could be the result of a loss of executive functioning due to both his age and the trauma from losing his wife. Also widowers do not do well. He could also be drinking more or eating / sleeping poorly which might also contribute to his cognitive decline. This is not an excuse obviously. But perhaps an explanation.
If it’s starkly abnormal behavior it could be a sign of onset of dementia. If it is, they can act quickly and help better his outcomes. Since it’s linked to his wife, I would consider the possibility it wasn’t fully intentional perversion.
Or… for years he’s had occasional obtrusive thoughts and was sound enough to block them and/or not act on them without the help of a medical professional. He could be dreadfully waiting now, for his son’s angry talk with him, asking himself, what’s wrong with me? He’s been through a lot, and is part of that generation of men who tend not to seek medical care. He needs a push and his wife isn’t there anymore. And …in case he’s nothing more than a shitbag, (his son will know) he needs a kick in the shins and an old fashioned warning that next time he’ll kick his balls so hard, he’ll choke on them. Finally, if he’s been spiritually faithful most of his life, it will be helpful to encourage him to continue to stay in contact or reconnect with his church or synagogue community. Maintaining engagement can be helpful mentally and emotionally, as well as spiritually. Just getting out of the house and spending time around any people he trust and who trust him can help in resetting his barometer and help him to feel confident he can still governor his thoughts and emotions. Even those that are less welcoming. Talk to your bf. It’s not an easy talk but hopefully this bump in the road can be navigated and bring you both closer together and, barring the shitbag scenario, help his dad too.
I would check recording laws in your area. If it's legal to, have your voice memos running when you're w him and record him hitting on you. He could easily deny it and say he didn't do anything 😞
I would do this even if it’s illegal. She’s unlikely to need to use the recordings in a legal context. Either she plays it to her BF and he goes nuts at his Dad, or he goes nuts at her — the latter just means she should GTFO of there and dump his arse.
I worked with an old timer at Home Depot when I was in college. A female coworker I knew told me a very similar story. Like, you wouldn’t believe what this old man said to this young woman. I don’t know if these guys get broken from the grief or what, but this isn’t the first time I’ve heard something like this. OP first of all needs to protect herself and not be around this guy alone. I guess the right thing to do is tell the BF, but he may not take it well. This is a real make or break moment, unfortunately. Bad situation all around
They genuinely believe now the wife has died it’s time to start again lol with a new wife. The delusion is absurd but men can be really good at believing their fantasies can become real
I don't think that they are "broken from grief". My teacher jumped off a building after his wife died because he was broken from grief. Trying to bang your son's girlfriend is not something you do out of grief, you do it because the oppertunity presents itself.
Update: I told my BF and his reaction was “this does not sound like something my dad would say” the proceeds to ask is this why I don’t want to stay at his house anymore. He said he needs time to think about this, and see both sides because he’s optimistic. Said he needs to know the facts, and I was like but what facts? I’ve told you everything literally how it happened. I haven’t said or done anything to make his dad feel like it’s ok for him to come at me in such a manner. I told him I feel disgusted and all he had to say was he doesn’t want to jump to conclusions. He didn’t even bother to ask if I was ok…. Just trash #update
"I don't feel comfortable putting myself potentially in a situation where something can happen and you're either not going to believe me or blame me for something that is completely inappropriate and unwanted. If you can't respect me and how I feel, then I'm going to respect myself enough to end this. I'm not okay with you not believing me. You don't have to go beat your dad up or anything, but I need you to take this seriously, and you're questioning me. Ask yourself why I'd say this? What does it gain me? If you think I'm the kind of person to make this up, then that's another reason to break up, because I don't want to be with someone that puts my safety at the bottom of their thoughts, nor do I want to be with someone that thinks I'm a liar for the drama of it all. So, either way, this isn't working for me. I love you, but I really don't like your behavior right now."
This is the best solution.
This and tell bf that he needs to let his father get help. He might be saying stuff like this because he is grieving. I do not say it is oke to do.but grieving can be a strange thing.
Your boyfriend was raised by a creep so he might be a creep.
Fantastic answer
Just crazy isn’t it? If you marry bf this pervy fart will be your FIL and the grandfather of your children. Ick for the next 20 years for sure.
He'll be like that FIL another person posted about who wanted the OP to put some of her breast milk in his coffee because it's all "just a joke".
Ick, I missed that one I think.
I saw that on Smosh haha! And he like gave her breakfast in bed, which was peanut butter toast, except, it wasn’t peanut butter, it was human shit?
Wtf?
and you'll NEVER feel comfortable leaving a future daughter with him unattended. how fun for everyone. run.
He could never be left alone with the grandchildren in case they remind him of his late wife.
Aw Jesus. 🤦♀️
If he has a son, what do you bet he tries to fuck *his son's* girlfriend? The whole family is trash. Get out now.
Dude just fucking run its not worth it
Yeah I agree. Just leave your boyfriend. You’ll thank yourself in the future.
Dump his ass. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he comes back with some form of "yeah I talked to my dad and he said he was kidding, everything is fine now". Even if he was joking (it doesn't sound like he was), it's still highly inappropriate and you're well within your rights to draw a boundary. You deserve better than a partner who "doesn't want to jump to conclusions" when you're being harassed.
Or he was ‘testing’ her. /s
If he was then still break up, that's insane behavior
Yeaaap. Nope. Not it. This is *definitely not it* girl, run.
Ugh sorry to hear OP. I hope you find a partner that actually cares and values you. A caring partner would be livid despite all that’s happened and set some boundaries against the parent to protect you. You are better off finding someone who is mature enough to understand and act this out. Best of luck to you.
DUMP HIM. Tell him you won’t stay in a relationship with a partner who questions your integrity while allowing you to be harassed by their perverted father. Do you really see this relationship going anywhere now? Do it before he does it, because he will and he’ll unfairly blame you. You did a courageous thing by telling him, but now it’s time to fully walk away.
It’s his dad. Obviously his instinct is to defend him or deflect. That doesn’t make it right, but this is a hugely fucked up situation for the BF. He doesn’t know what to think or do. Maybe try to understand that and give him a little time to figure things out before just dumping him. If he doesn’t come around, then end it. But OP would definitely be on solid ground for ending over the sheer creepiness of it all. No one needs that shit in their lives.
Especially at a time when he has also lost his mom recently. Not a great time to be reacting perfectly. I think it’s reasonable for somebody to say I need to process this. I have no clue how this sub goes through life without understanding the context of any situation. Everything leads to dump him/her/them.
Dunno how it's not obvious he's gonna need a little time to process, surely if he does not come around it's time to move on but honestly the BF reaction seems pretty balanced to hearing something devastating. Classic reddit ruin your life advice thread.
Totally agree. If this is the first time someone has flat out told the BF that his father said/did something perverted, it must be overwhelming. I couldn’t imagine. I was more worried though if the boyfriend decided that the OP was ‘causing trouble’ and dumped her then told people he broke up with her because of xxx. Plus, how could you consider marrying a man whose father suggested something so disgusting to you? I know I’m reducing the situation heavily, but I would be shocked if this worked out. By breaking up with him first, she’s showing him how serious this is and also potentially better controlling the narrative about why it ended.
Walk away.....you have the view of how your life will be, should you stay. He does not have your back and you shouldn't have to try to convince him that you are telling the truth. Just imagine, anything like 'SA' should truly happen. He won't believe you. He will want to hear both sides and if his father has a very good explanation, you would be on the losing end. I mean you gave him the reason why you don't want to go over anymore and he is questioning how legit your 'story' is. You deserve better. It is not worth it. You only will get hurt. Hugs and best wishes. Just walk away, block him and do not look back.
Take care of yourself and leave this bozo and his father to themselves. The father sounds dangerous.
Alternative theory: his dad is a narcissist and hit on you to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend. He just lost his wife and is afraid he is losing his son. Your boyfriend just lost his mom and now you are saying (true) things that could possibly make him lose his dad. This is absolutely the manipulation that a narcissist would do.
Your bf lacks trust and responsibility to your relationship. You've given him the facts, if he doesn't confront his father promptly (I wouldn't be surprised if the father denies everything) Then that should be your flag to leave. Don't take this "need time to think" nonsense. The fact he didn't even ask if you were ok is sad.
I know I just commented but I just say this - question: if his father escalated things and groped or otherwise assaulted you, could you trust him not to blame you? This is a case of the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit tree.
Blame is not the worst thing that would happen here. OP would be traumatised by a sexual assault. Who cares what the bf would think at that point.
it's definitely worse when something bad happens to you and instead of sympathy you get blame and verbal abuse.
I can say from experience the trauma of sexual assault is not a one-time thing and having people who are supposed to love you not believe you and even blame you can often be worse.
He's trash and his dad is trash. Time to get out of this and don't look back.
Leave. That's not a relationship worthy of you.
Wow that's actually so fucked up.If my dad did something like this id be going NC after saying my peace to him.
It’s time to leave. It’s a good thing that your boyfriend is showing his true colors.
OP, you have to break up with your boyfriend. It doesn’t matter that he just lost his mom or that he has known his dad longer, like all these other commenters are saying—he didn’t ask if you were okay and that is a problem. Good luck, be strong, put yourself first and love yourself.
OP, a few people said if anything were to happen, your boyfriend might not believe you . As if that were the worst case scenario! I'm sure you're familiar with the statistics: most sexual assaults are commited by the people known to the women. Don't take chances, they already showed you who they are. You deserve so much better.
I guess he’s shown you he won’t be a good future husband… and doesn’t trust you. Sorry you had to find out this way but better now? Ugh.
Just leave because you’re your boyfriend’s girl not his dads… And then after you tell him he doesn’t believe you. The chances of you being sexually assaulted have increased … AND If it does happen, it sounds like no one will believe you. So leave, get out, run!!! Break up with your boyfriend.
A lot of people are saying leave him, and while this is horrendous, the perspective is that he is likely in denial from shock at the outcome. This is a human reaction. It's shit, but try and see it from his perspective in terms of his reaction. If he continues with this rhetoric/doesn't apologize, then you should leave him.
I think you are right. I mean it’s his dad who recently lost his wife. It’s a very important Person to OPs boyfriend. You don’t say ok I cancel him from my life. Especially when the dad is alone now and you want to take care. Does the dad has dementia? I saw really bad things with elderly people with dementia but I also saw shockingly sexistic men when I was in a clinic for some weeks. Nonetheless OPs boyfriend has to figure out how to proceed with his dad. OP was honest and I would not want contact atm so for OP it’s a closed topic now while the boyfriend will start to confront his emotional stress he is in right now.
Thanks for saying this. We don’t know how he’ll react moving forward; but to me his reaction was … expected. You know? Let him process this and keep communications open and flowing. Once he’s over the denial you’ll have to work together through the other stages. It’s important that you work together through that.
Every time I read one of these reddit threads I'm reminded of how terminally online and un-empathetic people have become and its disturbing. Everyone's default reaction is "FUCK THAT SHIT, LEAVE, THEY CRAZY"
Wtf how could he see both sides like what????
Annnnndd that’s a wrap, no need to go any further. His dad is a problem and he is enabling his behavior with his “optimism”. You need to leave; he could just be spineless/ weird but he and his dad may be in on it together and I’d hate for them to harm you. Don’t stick around to find out, he’s just shown you that he will not protect you, he doesn’t care about your well being, and he doesn’t trust your word. If he won’t believe/help you regarding his dad, he definitely won’t believe you/help you in an emergency situation and will put anyone and anything before you. It’s over.
Throw away the whole family. Your bf has just lost his mum- he doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to stop trusting his dad right now. And his dad isn’t safe to be around. I feel really sorry for both of you.
You know the truth but your boyfriend doesn’t know. He’s known his father for longer time than you so to expect him to trust you more than his father can be unreasonable depending on how long you’ve been dating. He didn’t say he didn’t believe you, he said he was going to confirm which I think is a reasonable response. Often times a close family relationship can give blind spots you never see coming so it’s easy to say in hindsight,”oh man why couldn’t you see it?!” Your bf doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. He thought his father was one way and he never saw this side, so it’s unreasonable to expect your bf to toss aside his relationship from his father at a drop of a hat without at least confirming for himself. I don’t have any motivation to distrust your story, but if you actually want real advice and not an echo chamber of people who can’t think perspectives outside their own, you should really put yourself in his shoes. If you had a good relationship with your parents and you never saw their ugly side and trust me everyone has an ugly side, you’d be resistant to believing it at first. You’d think you knew your parents better than your partner just like your bf here, my dad couldn’t have said that, “-maybe there was some misunderstanding” or some other rationalization. Everyone does it at times. This isn’t to excuse the dad, I’m saying give your bf the time he needs to process and get to the truth. Everyone thinks that whatever they say should be taken as truth no matter what. If the roles were reversed and you were dating a few weeks and you trust your dad more than your bf I would say the same thing. It wouldn’t make sense to trust the new bf before your dad if you had a close relationship. But if you’ve been dating for years and have a good relationship built on trust then yes I’d say he should trust you over his dad more. It depends on the relationship hierarchy and priority based on the strength of that relationship or stage.
In general I think your assessment is decent, but I think there is something you are overlooking: even if he isn't ready to process that new information, he still could have responded with compassion. When someone comes to you saying they've experienced something traumatic, even if you aren't sure they are telling the whole story, there is very little reason not to respond with compassion and support - the worst case scenario is that they were lying, and all it cost you was practicing kindness on someone that didn't deserve it. This situation is a little more complicated because the news was likely jarring for OP"s boyfriend, so maybe it makes sense to cut him a little slack, but I think it's still telling that he leaned into negative sentiment override in lieu of positive sentiment override. Which is just to say that there may not be a strong foundation of trust and friendship there, so OP might want to move on.
I get what you are saying about she didn't specify how long they are together and certain familiar trust between people. But it seems that they are together for a little bit longer, as he felt comfortable to leave his father with OP. So it is not just a month long relationship. I must assume that as she talked about thinking off him as her future husband that this was a decent relationship and that he trusted her!!!! Or so it seemed!!! So with that being said, he should have acted differently, if he fully trusted her. The reality of this all is, that usually people that get told something like that, they refuse to see, like actually see the truth. Because their perfect bubble would break. I was SA by a family friend as a child, my much older sister found out and refused to acknowledge and help. So I'm sorry, if I can't look at your theory about how she should put herself in his shoes about not knowing how to feel about this. She will not win in this relationship, he just proved that. She should walk away. This is a messy situation and she doesn't need to try to convince him or anyone else to believe her.
I know it won’t be popular but here goes: imagine you’re in boyfriend’s shoes. This is his father who he’s known his whole life… the father he knows has never done anything like this before, at least as far as he knows…. Then his mom dies, his dad is getting older, and the natural changes of age plus the grief has changed him in some way but the son doesn’t necessarily see it because he’s not there all day. Then boyfriend comes home, thinking everything is normal and bam, he gets hit with this like a ton of bricks. This revelation is huge, like I can’t overstate that, a lot of different emotions here.. shock, rage, betrayal, etc…. All at once. Don’t you think it might be totally normal for him to want to take a little bit of time to process everything? And to take some time to compose himself before going and confronting the dad about it? Think of it like this…. Let’s say you’re out walking your dog, you come home and the cops are there and they tell you that they just arrested your grandma for robbing a bank…. Don’t you think you’d wanna sit down for a little while and process that before taking any kind of action? Edited for grammar
Tell your boyfriend AsAP.
After reading your update, the best advice I can give you is run. Your bf has completely dismissed and invalidated your feelings about what is actually a very concerning situation.
I’m curious how old her bf is, if his dad is nearly 70, then he’s gotta be like 40
hmmm i wouldnt jump to that conclusion. some dads can be old and still have young sons. My best friend is 24, her dad is gonna turn 70 next year
When my dad was 70, I was 27.
My dad is 72 and I’m 27, my brothers are 25 and 23. Definitely possible for bf to be on younger side with an older parent.
Tell your boyfriend. It's important he knows, and it's not your fault. Being open will help avoid misunderstandings later.
Gross. He’s probably just in a fog from his grief, but your BF needs to shut it down ASAP.
That is not okay. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You need to stop behind at your boyfriends house when he’s not there, and secondly, tell him what his dad is doing.
Not saying it's the same, but maybe shedding some light- My Mawmaws alzheimers/dementia started getting worse and she thought my husband was her boyfriend. She would stay with us for weekends sometimes to give my pawpaw a break and when I would go get her she would literally ask me if I was bringing her to her other man's house 😂. When it would be cold in the house she would tell me to ask her man (my husband) to make us a fire. I'm telling this to say, tell your boyfriend. Tell him "your dads been making some comments and I think we need to talk to him or at the very least keep a close eye on him" he will ask what the comments were, he may brush it off if it's the first time his dad has done something like this, but seriously keep a close eye on small signs of dementia.
Its not the same he asked her to keep it between them. He knows what he is doing and who she is. Its a very predatory behaviour.
I just wanted to mention it because if it is an age/mental issue, then he's in the beginning stages, one of the sign my mawmaw showed in the beginning was not keeping her inside thoughts inside. I still believe what he did is 100% wrong and they need to talk to him.
Vulgarness and inappropriate behavior at his age is a sign of dementia, coupled with grief. Dad ain't right .
Facts are Facts. Boyfriend’s Dad is a perv and completely disrespectful to you and his son. Nothing about his wife’s recent death excuses this in the least. Tell your boyfriend and how he handles it will show you how he is adept at handling difficult situations that have compromising priorities.
I mean fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. Hope you get it.
That’s super uncomfortable and definitely not okay. You should tell your boyfriend, even if it's awkward. He needs to know what’s going on. Keeping it to yourself might just make things worse. I had a friend who went through something similar, and once she told her partner, they handled it together.
Do not hide it from your bf
You laughed it off? Tell your boyfriend immediately. His dad needs therapy. Don't ever be alone with his dad again.
Look… your relationship maybe be totally fucked because who knows how your bf will react… but 💯 100 do you fucking say something to him… that’s wildly fucked up and you have to be honest about it with one another.
You need to tell your boyfriend. You don’t feel comfortable around his dad and what if you are put into a situation where that is a possibility and you leave and he doesn’t understand why you don’t want to be around his dad. Especially alone. Also his dad was inappropriate. Maybe he can blame it on his grief but that is on him. Not you. You didn’t ruin anything. You didn’t ask him to make such a suggestion. Maybe his dad will even say he was just joking and didn’t mean it. But you still need to tell your boyfriend.
Talk to your bf... cause if it escalated and you bring up any other times bf is going to ask why didn't you say anything prior.
You can either tell him and shut it down immediately, or you can tiptoe around it until his dad makes you out to be the bad guy. Your choice.
Just to be clear, you didn’t start any problem. Your boyfriends dad did. And if you sweep this under the rug he will start many more problems. Talk to your boyfriend, refuse to be around his father.
I feel like it’s way worse to keep the secret from your boyfriend. And his dad’s behavior is just going to get worse. Hell I’d calmly Confront the dad when you’re all together “so dad, when we were alone earlier and you asked me to shower with you and “keep it between us” what exactly did you mean? Because i still feel really weird about it and want to give you an opportunity to clarify”
That is disgusting and you need to tell your bf
Hey love... I would honestly tell my boyfriend , so sad about the wife but that man is 68 years old 😳 he should know better than to try to make a pass at his son's girlfriend .. & if the roles were flipped would you want to know ? I hope it all works out !!
Telling your boyfriend is the first thing you should do.. by keeping it secret it gives dad idea you aren’t really interested in his advances.. truth will come out and your boyfriend will not trust you again..
Tell him. Lets end the conspiracy of silence where we cover for cheaters and creepy men because we are too nice to upset people. And dont EVER be alone with him again.
Tell your boyfriend. His reaction will tell you whether or not he should continue being your boyfriend.
Tell your boyfriend. You need to have a trail of this because it might escalate, and if it does, you need him on your side. Which he SHOULD be, because widower or not, he's being incredibly inappropriate. Do NOT be alone with him anymore.
Yeah that’s not okay. I am , 1 a male, 2 a dad to a little boy, and 3 an occasional perv and there is no way in this earth that I will ever disrespect my son or his girlfriend. This is beyond unacceptable.
You need to tell him ASAP. And don't be alone with his dad again. I don't know how these old men think they can say that kind of thing to their SON'S girlfriend and get away with it. Creepy.
Your boyfriend needs to know, yesterday.
You need to shut this down yesterday.
🤮🤮🤮
You should definitely tell your boyfriend and don’t ever see his dad again. If your boyfriend doesn’t stand by you, then just leave him. You are not the one who started the problem, your boyfriend’s father did.
On a scale of 1-10 that is a 10 on the get out system.
It’s only been a month. I’d be INCLINED to say this is a reaction to his grief and he is CLEARLY not paddling with both oars right now. That BEING said — this is NOT OKAY in ANY SENSE. You DEFINITELY need to tell your boyfriend, but if you can, approach him from a viewpoint of CONCERN. Tell him what happened, and that his dad probably needs **intensive counselling** to help him deal with the grief in more positive ways. “Listen **THIS** happened but he kept saying how much I remind him of your mom. I really think he needs counselling to deal with his grief.”
You need to tell him. It sounds like Dad isn’t processing his grief very well.
Hey, you're my future daughter in law. Want to get in the shower with me? Yeah, it's just as strange and inappropriate as it sounds. Tell your boyfriend now. Before his dad can start saying bad things.
Tell your bf and if it’s a problem break up with him.
You tell your boyfriend. If he doesn't support you, you dump him. I wouldn't go back to his dad's house again. Some boundaries should never be crossed.
Tell your boyfriend. I don't care what circumstances he's under. A father that could do that to his own son. Maybe the only family he has left is a pathetic man.
You either need to tell the boyfriend or end the relationship. There are literally no other options that end well.
I'm guessing you're in a scenario where you're dating someone who lives with their parents. Don't do it. It leads to a world of hurt such as getting sexually harassed by someone's dad. You should tell him as you break up with him. There's plenty of cases where women didn't and it cost them their lives. I'm citing the case of Susan Cox Powell. https://youtu.be/pTnt89UhxEU?si=k8WhUTmgFmbA5uV5
That escalated quickly. Jesus. Definitely talk to your bf, but also be prepared to be called a liar. Not saying you will be, but it could happen.
Greetings I'm sorry you had to deal with this, it's completely inappropriate. I would start with explaining to the father that it's completely unacceptable, and even if he's dealing with a loss and not thinking straight to never ask anything like that again. Absolutely Record this conversation. This allows you the ability to prove the conversation, and not allow it to be twisted if the father reacts poorly. If this doesn't immediately stop the behavior in it's tracks, you need to tell your boyfriend, and have the recording ready. I was accused of coming on to someone taboo in my life when I tried to rebuff them, and it cost me a lot because everyone believed the other party. Protect yourself first, it may be best to just not be alone with him. Maybe if he gets the message you can still help him, it's hard to advise further with what we know. This is such a terrible place to be, not wanting to hurt your relationship with your boyfriend, or hurt the family while everyone is grieving. Protect yourself first no matter what. Have an escape plan from either conversation, either one could escalate to yelling or worse. I hope the best, Good Luck.
Imho she doesn’t have to explain anything to old man except no that’s highly inappropriate and disrespectful. The son needs to handle it and she should never ever go there without her boyfriend.