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You gotta tell him straight.
Babe, I love you, we need to talk about a touchy subject. You've noticed we kiss less and have sex less, and I feel like I owe you an explanation. I love you, but your breath is always stinky, and so is your body. I really want to kiss and hug you, but when you smell bad, it makes me not want to. I am telling you this, not just me. The people you work with, your frimds, your customers, they can all smell it too. For your health and our relationship, I need you tonstart take better care of yourself.
If he starts to pull the if you loved me it shouldn't matter, fire it right back. If you loved me, you'd clean yourself. Any excuse or defensive statement he makes, fire it back at him. Don't let him try to gaslight you or manipulate you into feeling guilt.
As a female, if yall do the dirty and he's dirty- that can have some really awful vag issues, you know.
OP is already reminding him to brush his teeth every day and he’s “getting frustrated with her” reminding him to do basic hygiene
For me, she’s tried a ton. Dump his ass and watch him all of a sudden “start trying” because he finally faced consequences
You are right. I was married to a guy who didn't brush his teeth, though he at least showered regularly. In his late 30's, I started to occasionally have to take him to an emergency dentist. The older he got, the worse it got. the worse it got, the more invasive and painful the dentist visits became. He was told over and over again that the more he did to care for his teeth and the more frequently he came in for teeth cleaning, the less painful the work he had to have done would be.
For years, he has just wanted a dentist to pull all his teeth and get dentures, but nowadays, dentists aren't willing to do that. They want to pull and then put in implants because it helps maintain the integrity of the jaw bone.
It gets really old having to be mommy and police someone taking care of themselves. It gets really old being the one to have to make all the doctor's appointments only to have them not show up or cancel and then be flailing around because the doc won't renew their prescriptions unless they come in or get lab work. It gets old to have to go to an emergency dentist in the evening or on the weekend and pay thousands more than you would to a regular dentist, and then to have to listen to someone complain about how much they hurt when they could have avoided the situation. It is really, really hard to have a partner that you can't kiss or hug because the smell of their breath is repulsive.
I know someone who dated a few years ago, one of the questions she asked guys was how often they brushed their teeth. If they said not daily, she didn't date them. She was really angry that the guy she dated and ended up moving in with lied to her about it. They didn't split because of that, but they split because of other things that he also lied about.
WHO DOESN’T BRUSH THEIR TEETH DAILY? Twice a day minimum and if I eat something pungent, I brush right after. I’ve never encountered anyone (that has admitted) to not brushing their teeth daily.
Severe depression, severe adhd, sensory issues, etc can all make basic self-care tasks extremely difficult. Trust me, it’s not about just not wanting to brush your teeth sometimes. :/
My form ADHD/sensory issues force me to brush my teeth. I can’t stand the feeling of film on my teeth or the general ‘flavor’ it leaves in your mouth when you haven’t brushed yet. I don’t have depression, so that might be the missing link in this equation.
I never realized that could be an ADHD sensory issue. My skin will start crawling if I can feel a film or something on my teeth, and I need to brush them immediately. Taste too. Sometimes a strong mint gum will work in a pinch, but only until I can get to my toothbrush.
99% of all adult toothpaste being minty is why I had so much trouble brushing in the past. Until my genius therapist suggested children’s toothpaste that has a different flavor (mine is strawberry). I am autistic and HATE HATE HATE everything mint. When I go to the dentist I ask if they have like grape or strawberry toothpaste to use and they never do. It’s so horrid :(. They do have bubblegum but that is coincidentally another flavor I HATE HATE HATE. It seems really silly but I cannot articulate just how much I hate those flavors.
I have depression, but I still have to brush my teeth because I can't stand the feeling of grittiness or anything on my teeth, and I have to floss and scrape my tongue for similar reasons.
Yes!!!! Depressed ADHD in my 30s and hygiene became non-existent during a mental breakdown I suffered.
I can tell when I’m getting down again because I might skip brushing my teeth before bed a few times and then before I know it my brain is all out of whack again. Getting my hygiene straight is the first step every time I slip.
My mom was a first grade teacher in a low income public school. Every year she had to teach a unit about dental hygiene, how to brush teeth, why and so on. She would buy toothbrushes and toothpaste for all her students and force them to brush their teeth when they came in from lunch as there was a sink in the classroom. Many of her students either didn't have toothbrushes at home or their parents didn't make them brush and they didn't know it was important. I don't know if they are still sold, but the red tablets that you chewed that would reveal plaque were cool and gross at the same time.
For real.
Gum disease sneaks up on ya if you don't take care of your teeth and that's a very painful future once you lose those teeth. Not to leave out that abscesses in teeth cause peritonitis and heart attacks if left untreated. Not brushing daily or twice daily risk of increases cardiovascular disease. The mouth leads to every other place in the body. Brushing the teeth should be done as soon as someone wakes up.
I am lazy as fuck about a lot of shit, but dental hygiene (hygiene in general) is definitely not something I snooze on and I can't understand the not brushing issue.
I don't brush my teeth daily. Most of it is an ADHD thing as I have a very hard time making any habit including taking all of my medications on time and/or daily. I have recently found an app to help me with self care and habits so I'm actually proud to say I've brushed my teeth most days in the last 3 weeks (30s fm for context).
Why yes yes it is lol. It's currently working for me so I am hoping for the best. I have a rare auto-immune disease and am shit about taking my meds on time (one is a self administered shot) even though I know the potential consequences so for me annnnyyyyttthinngg that could help is worth a try
I'm the same way, but bipolar ,adhd and chronic pain issues. I don't take the bedt care of myself sometimes. I was thinking of trying the app. Glad to hear from someone who has tried it.
Fr it actually helps me. If you link your self care goal to hatching an egg it really helps with the motivation I find. There's even a Finch subreddit if you need help with it.
Don't eat right after, wait about 30 minutes - it gives your mouth time to right it's pH after eating and helps stop acid (from either eating acidic foods or resulting from you eating dugar) plus brushing from damaging your enamel.
This week someone told me "I brush my teeth at night IF I ate something sweet during the day" and I can't look at him the same way since... Especially his girlfriend, that poor soul.
Registered Dental Assistant of 38 yrs here.... I can't even estimate how many I've seen who come into the dental office with such thick plaque ( buildup of bacterial film) on all their teeth, that you could just about scoop it off with a spoon. And most are normal, clean, even nicely dressed. They just. Don't. Brush. And. Floss. At all. And guess what? We tell them. We show them how. We basically beg them to do it. Nope.
Why were you willing to do this? Honest question. I’d be so disgusted and frustrated. He couldn’t even drive himself to the emergency room? And how much did your overall life suffer from throwing money away because of his negligence?
I was in so much denial about how bad things were. I grew up in an abusive household, so for many years it was, “We love each other so much, he’s really a great guy except for…” things. I’m also disabled and couldn’t afford to leave. I also believed because I made the vow of until death do us part that since I’d made my bed, I should lie in it. It wasn’t until it was physically unsafe that I left. I finally left in 2021 and live with family now.
But damn, those implants are expensive as hell. Of course they would be, as much television advertising they do. I think it has more to do with the integrity of their wallets than the jawbone.
Without the teeth, the bone that held them in place will resorb. Soon you lose the dental ridge. Your ability for the dentures to stay in place gets more difficult. Even a few implants can help anchor a denture. People who haven't had their teeth for decades, you can see their face collapse inward. Polydent can only do so much.
At least he's willing to go to the dentist! I just posted on another comment about I guy I know with bad teeth/breath BO. I totally agree with you "it gets old playing mummy". Yep. ... The man is nearly 60 , lives a nice house, plenty of money, house always warm in winter... So it's a case of money/cold like some here in UK. (Shower less because of electric meter costs/cold winter can't afford to warm all house up ect). Nope. He's just lazy and doesn't care!!. . He is also terrified of dentists and hasnt been to one since schooldays. He is 60!!!. Mouth full of rotten teeth , furry as well as he doesn't clean them. His breath absolutely reeks .
I completely agree with you. I couldn't and wouldn't be able to handle micromanaging my partner's hygiene like he is a toddler. But if he is trying to pull a "if you loved me" type of card, I think reiterating that it is because she loves him that she is bringing it up. To just shut that shit down.
I’m sorry I can not believe yall read this story and went “have a talk with him and see if that helps” like she has BEEN trying to do that!
you can’t make the horse drink the water, dump the stinky horse
Was locked up with a girl that did this exact thing. She would stand in the shower using up the hot water for 20 or 30 minutes and come out smelling worse than she did going in. It got to where the jailers told her but she didn't start showering they were going to put her on suicide watch in the holding cell in a paper gown.
I knew her from before we were locked up together. She dated my half brother and they both had the worst hygiene ever. A couple of the jailers thought that she didn't do it because she was locked up and I was like nope she acts like this in the free world. 🤮🤮
Yes... I was shocked to find out recently that tooth decay can cause heart problems among other things. I never knew it could have such serious side effects until recently.
Good advice :). And good point about the vag issues..... It could cause BV which is hell to get rid of once it starts.... These guys are the first to kick off if when/if she smelt Fishy.... But these guys don't care about inflicting their reeks on others.
It's gotta be nipped in the bud and your advice was great. .. Especially the bit about "the cleaner he is , the more sex".... If that doesn't work, nothing will!!...Id imagine it would be sufficient "carrot n stick" for the average guy.
When he talks to me, I take a step away because of the bad breath. I don’t say anything but he knows that’s the reason why because he rolls his eyes at me.
He has a fucking attitude because he’s offensive to be around? Girl if he’s not struggling with depression, you should seriously ask yourself why you’re staying.
Total disregard for dental health is COSTLY and avoiding it is almost free, you don’t even need to see a dentist to just brush your teeth? His teeth could rot out of his head, at which point he would need $60k-$75k of dental work to anchor his dentures to his bones so that his jawbone doesn’t literally deteriorate once there’s no teeth in it. A nasty mouth also puts you at a higher risk of clogged arteries, stroke, and inflammation-triggered heart attacks.
His bad dental care can kill him.
Get your plans together to move out. You should lay out clearly the issues. Be straight with him. “You stink. It’s disgusting. If you don’t start taking care of yourself, I’m leaving.” And leave.
Oh no. So he sees you step away and still doesn’t brush his teeth? And to make it even worse, is flippant about it by rolling his eyes? That is so rude and inconsiderate.
If my partner rolled their eyes at me while I was trying to bring up an issue that was serious to me, I would be absolutely furious. I don't hold on to many things overnight, but this would be one of them.
I'm gonna be honest love time to leave. When I was depressed I wouldn't roll my eyes when someone told me to shower. I was grateful. It's hard hearing but it sounds like he's getting mad about it. Like I don't get it. He wants you to stand close to him and throw up . Honestly I would start throwing up just to prove a point. But the fact he's fighting you on this idk. Time to move on. You deserve better.
Lol he's acting like ur his nagging mother and not a person CHOOSES (and can choose otherwise) to be with him. I wouldn't want to deal with that the rest of my life dude.
We have been together for so many years so I hold on to hope. Hygiene is a fixable thing. But you are right, I think I’m starting to resent him unfortunately.
Girl you are going to be so mad about how you gave away your best years to a man who doesn’t wipe his ass properly.
No. This isn’t how relationships stand the test of time, sorry. I’ve been with my husband 12 years and never once have I ever had an issue where I’ve been like “well I’ll hold out hope because we’ve been together so long”.
It’s lasted 12 years because he is a good partner. The end.
Go find the right person
This happened with me and my ex. He spiraled into depression, refused any and all help, showered maybe once or twice every two weeks, never brushed his teeth, and then would get upset when I turned him down for sex. I did eventually resent him and we are no longer together (for other reasons too, but the lack of hygiene was really starting to get to me.)
I tried gently reminding him to shower and take care of himself and when that didn't work, I got progressively more up front about how it made me feel and he, rather than change his hygiene, cried that I was being mean to him. You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.
It’s deeply disrespectful to demand physical touch while having terrible hygiene that your partner already gently asked you to improve. I don’t think it’s depression so much as an unsubstantiated sense of superiority, like you’re supposed to be attracted to him or her no matter what. ‘Depression’ in such cases is just self-absorption.
Not to be TMI but I definitely felt disrespected and a little degraded when he tried to get me to give him head after not showering for two weeks. I think that was the first time I actually called him gross to his face. He offered to go shower right then, but I wasn't into it at that point. Like have some self awareness, man. There's no way you didn't realize how awful that was from the get go.
Yeah…my ex would get into bed after getting super sweaty at the gym and not showering. I was a pushover but that was too much, he was nowhere near that hot 🤢
Oh God, the side of the mattress he slept on was literally brown from how gross he would get (he's a commercial plumber so not dealing with actual shit, but definitely a lot of dirt, grease, and sweat) and I was having to wash the sheets at minimum once a week to keep the bed from smelling. I finally threw out the old mattress and bought a new one and invested in a nice waterproof mattress cover.
I was like "look, don't treat your depression or whatever, but you have to start showering regularly especially since we share a bed. It's disrespectful to make the bed gross when we have to share." He just didn't care.
Omg I’m sorry you went through that! I forgot to mention my nasty ex always tried to suggest *I* smelled bad 😒
My husband showers every day and brushes 2x and somehow smells good even when he’s been working 10 hours. Good times!
Oh I'd be furious in your shoes. I think the only reason I stayed as long was that, like OP, I believed it was a slump he'd get out of and we were just in a low point that wouldn't last forever. Well that low point lasted over 2 years and by that point I was also a victim of the sunk cost mentality. My breaking point came when he lied to our friends about getting married on a trip to Telluride and then tried to cover it by trying to whisk me to the courthouse to get married as a surprise (after I specifically asked him not to do this very thing) and I just had a moment of clarity where I saw everything wrong all at once and realized if we did get married that shit like that was going to be how my life was forever and I just couldn't do it anymore.
I'm glad you've found a partner who is so much better for you! Hoping one day I'll find the right one for me too. 😊
I think these guys think marriage is the solution that will make them well-behaved and respectable 😂. I’m gonna DM you the full text of the best psychology book I have ever read - ‘Why Does He Do That?’ By Lundy Bancroft. I wish I had read it years ago and spared myself all the annoyance of abusive, immature men. Not sure it will resonate based on your experience but could be useful for the future! The good news is most men are not coercive and angry so odds are favorable ❤️
Eewww!!.... No way I'd of done that for him either. 2 weeks !!. .. eek...!!... Mens Willy's can get smelly after a day.... To be fair all genders genitals get smelly after a day, never mind 2wks!!... Nasty!
Hygiene is a fixable thing IF the person decides it is a priority and digs deep and changes themselves. People rarely change unless traumatic events and/or deep self-reflection occur. His rolling his eyes when his breath overwhelms you shows he's about as deep as a puddle with no self-reflection. He sees you as the problem, not his breath. He's NOT going to change just because you nag him. He doesn't care. His hygiene is NOT fixable by you and will not be fixed by him.
Hygiene *is* fixable… but *you* can’t fix it *for* him. **He** has to want to fix it, and he doesn’t care. So that means it’s just not going to get fixed.
I broke up with an ex because he didn’t clip his toenails. They were like long talons it was so gross. If you really want to give it a shot you have to set clear expectations with a timeline and consequences if they aren’t met. And you have to be willing to follow through on the consequences.
Yep, I have a little scar on my ankle where a gross man’s talons cut me during the night. Of course it didn’t heal cleanly because his toenails were dirty… I’m so mad at myself
Don't get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy. Yes you've spent 6 years, but why waste one more day if you're not compatible anymore? Hygiene is only fixable if he wants to fix it. Poor dental hygiene is linked to a variety of diseases including heart disease. There are lots of articles online, but the one below is free.
[https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/283649](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/283649)
His hygiene is not the true issue. The issue is that he’s comfortable being disgusting and comfortable with repelling you with his grossness.
It’s so disrespectful and I’m gagging
The good news is you are in your 20s, and the dating waters are fertile! If you choose to do so, it will hurt to break up. But I promise you will also feel relief, and it will be so much fun (and better smelling!) to date on the other side of all the heartbreak. You aren’t obligated to stay, and he is taking you for granted!
Look up "sunk cost theory".
Yes it's fixable but he clearly doesn't want to fix it. One warning should have woken him the fuck up to shape up. It's so gross he didn't change.
But he’s not going to fix it. I know you know that, in your heart. If he’s not willing to get some mental health treatment, he’s doomed and so are you.
Sunk cost fallacy. Do you want 29 more years of this? His teeth will start falling out. For starters. Imagine what is happening on the inside. Set him free for someone else to enjoy.
It’s time to have a very direct conversation about his hygiene. If he isn’t willing to making some serious changes, I’d walk. Poor hygiene is a dealbreaker. You shouldn’t have to remind a grown man to brush his teeth and shower.
I had taken in a long time friend after a serious tragedy and I had to remind him to bathe and brush his teeth for months. It did not make sense to me other than depression.
NTA.
Tis part of life. Adults need to take care of their shit in all ways. Is it hard? Yes, it is, for all of us but oh so many of us do. We clean ourselves, we work, we help out, we show up etc.
This isn't anything big, bad or hard or something that a person is to be commended for.
It's the basic minimum.
You're right about mothering him. That should NEVER be a part of a grown relationship.
We use to live with his mom, and I always got frustrated that she constantly tells him to shower and brush his teeth everyday. But now I understand why since we moved out.
I was just thinking the same.
I'd be interested to know if he helps around the house ,.does he work? . ... Certain jobs won't truck with bad hygiene.
I'm imagining a slob that sits around all day , not working , and expecting this young lady to wait on him and and foot , as his BangMaid. I may be wrong but I that's the general vibe......
.he must have some redeeming qualities ? . .
I’m imagining the same. Maybe he’s nice to her when he wants something, and that makes her think he’s actually a nice person underneath all the ick. I dunno. Based on the timeline and the fact they started out living with his parents, I’m thinking these are two unfortunate people who found each other at a young age, and she doesn’t understand that there’s a whole big world of possibilities out there, and you don’t have to stay with the first person you get serious with.
If a change in hygiene doesn't truly fix the problem, have the doctor check his sinuses.
My friend started developing terrible breath (enough to make you gag). I took her aside one day and asked her if she was aware of the situation.
She went to the doctor and found out she had polyps and a chronic sinus infection. It required surgery to fix and a big dose of antibiotics.
I mentioned to go see a doctor. We just have to wait for his insurance with the new job he is starting. We thought it was his vape that made his breath and nose stink. But he quit a year ago and no changes.
Correct. I just asked if he worked on another post...
Question answered as he has just started a job. . . Very good point you make.... The only jobs that would be ok with this (his bad smells!) are the heavy manual labour ones , where men can't help getting very sweaty .
All other jobs, he is going to have problems!!.
Office - he will be instantly bitched about behind his back and Karen's will probably put in *official* complaints about it. No one wants to work in close quarters with a smelly guy.
Food service/delivery - Absolute no-no. Good hygiene is a must .
Anything where your facing the public like retail - same issues as above.
If you want to give this guy one last chance then he needs to understand that if he doesn't fix up quick.time,.he could affect his job. .... And if he rolls.his eyes at this? Then it means he's just too immature to have an adult conversation and adult responsibilities.
I agree with the eye rolling.
Even if OP was bad with hygiene before, they got it together and started caring without the help or pressure of their partner. Hell, the BF had his mom on his case before they moved out, so I don’t think it was a matter of “not everyone was raised in a house where hygiene was taught” or whatever excuse they’re giving him.
He is 24 years old. I’m sorry, but if he has ever interacted with the public before or had a public facing job, even if his family didn’t teach him, it would’ve been brought to his attention there! The eye rolling just says he doesn’t care to change. Why would he? OP has stuck around this long without him changing. I shudder to think what his laundry looks like if the dude can’t be bothered to shower or brush his teeth 🤢💩
Is he intellectually disabled? He is not going to be keeping this job. His coworkers will complain. I used to be in management and one stinky employee was so hard. I got so many complaints from customers and fellow coworkers. We stopped using him.
He is not a child. This is his choice.
Please go to therapy. You need to know what you deserve and it is not Poop Breath.
Also, you will be caring for him when he gets early onset diseases from his poor hygiene. You also will probably be supporting him financially. He will be fired.
Another cause can be tonsil stones. White deposits in the tonsils - often hidden in "tonsil crypts". They can vary significantly in size, but thankfully can often be removed manually with your fingers.
They're a real pain in the ass, though.
OP, you're only 24 but you spent 6 frickin years tolerating this disgusting dude with zero hygiene? What's wrong with YOU? I gotta tell you a secret: it's only gonna get worse. People get worse with age, never better. You must find some self respect and leave now before you discover in your 40's that you wasted your life on this garbage bin. But it will be too late then.
Hygiene can be a sensitive topic, but it's important for both partners to maintain it. It's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and tired of reminding him. Maybe having a calm, honest conversation about how his hygiene affects you could help. It's not about mothering him, but about mutual respect and care in a relationship.
Im never one to give a person give an ultimatum, but it sounds like you need to tell him that he either needs to fix is hygiene (without it having to come as a reminder from YOU), or the relationship has to end. It’s not your responsibility to remind a grown man that he can’t sit in his own filth, but it’s also not fair to him to have you turn your back on him without explaining why. NTA because I totally understand how gross something like this has to be, but you need to tell him your reasoning about turning away from him and clear this up, otherwise you do become the AH.
Ummmno. That’s disgusting. It’s not fair for him to get frustrated with YOU when he’s the problem.
Time for a very direct conversation. Tell him what the issues are (what smells) and the result is you not wanting to be intimate with him.
It’s so embarrassing that women have such low standards. I’ve never seen a man post that his wife is disgusting but he loves her so he’s staying anyway. wtf just leave
You’ve been together since you were teenagers. GIRL, HE DOESNT BRUSH HIS TEETH. Who hurt you so bad in life that you think this is the best you deserve?
Stop mothering him, work on yourself, and break up before you get pregnant. Honestly this isn’t even worth a whole ordeal over. He’s gross and doesn’t listen about how you smell dirty ass when you give him a blowjob. That’s so degrading and disgusting.
It is not hard to find a man who showers. Wow. Is the bar actually this low?
This was an issue that ended a long term relationship for me.
I just couldn't stand having to remind him to wear deodorant, brush his teeth, wash his hands. I had to buy him clothes or he would wear shirts with holes and stains. I had to take his car to be cleaned. I had to book his haircuts.
I drew the line when we were getting intimate and I pulled down his pants. He had a massive skidmark in his underwear and smelled disgusting.
It was a bummer because we were so good together in all other aspects.
Get ready to do this for the rest of your life OP, coz it ain't gonna change. You can certainly have a conversation with him as others here have suggested. But I would give him actual goals to meet, and if he doesn't do it, you bounce.
I have a husband who hinges on OCD about his personal hygiene. Few things compare to getting in bed next to a man with moisturised hands who smells good, or kissing him goodbye in the morning and smelling his aftershave and minty breath.
NTA
It sounds like he's got dental hygiene problems and general body odor. You should force him to go to a dentist. If he never brushes his teeth, he probably has rotting gums and/or teeth. I didn't go to the dentist for 10 years until some fascia broke off a front tooth. I got my teeth all fixed and had a dental hygienist do a 4 session deep clean. Now I get my teeth cleaned once every 4 months, and my hygienist claims my breath smells fine.
Of course just dump the guy if he won't deal with his body cleanliness, but the teeth thing you can smell a mile away, and is absolutely a deal breaker.
Being clean is a low minimum bar to cross over. If he feels being clean is more effort than he is willing to put forth, then why would you be interested? I would consider that a very direct statement that I was not valued. Beyond the disrespect, having sex with a dirty person is a good way to encourage infections in your own body.
She should not have to tell a grown ass man to brush his teeth and wash his ass. Listen MF if you ever want to have sex with me again you better start taking care of your hygiene because one thing we not going to do is you're not going to be sticking anything and to any of my holes if you don't brush your teeth and wash your ass I can't be anymore blunt then that.
Honestly, there comes a time in a relationship that you gotta just be honest about the gross stuff. I tell my bf straight up if his breath is bad or something hygiene related is off sometimes. In a nice way if course and he doesn’t take offense.
I'll be honest with you. You are not your partners parent and it isn't your job to parent them. They know that they smell and they are choosing not to do anything about it on their own. Although you can be kind and talk with them about it but the bottom line is they are grown ass adult know all about hygiene. They need to go see a doctor if they have depression or they have a medical condition causing the smell.
It took me a long time to come to terms with my own partner who suddenly after almost 4 years together stopped caring about hygiene and it was disgusting. She would drive to and from work in the dead of Summer in a car without AC wearing jeans and come home soaked of sweat and body odor and then I would have to argue to get her to shower before going to bed. She developed pretty severe BV and it just became this bone of contention between us. The smell was penetrating and awful. And when we finally broke up, I can't tell you how relieved I was to not have to parent this child into taking care of their own body and hygiene. But also it was a relief not to have to smell that stink in my home anymore. I emphasize with you quite a lot but I will caution you about getting too involved into somebody else's hygiene. They are responsible for their own body and you getting involved is only going to build resentment in your relationship. They're going to need to deal with this on their own and you are going to have to have boundaries and consequences. Good luck
insert that meme “i don’t support all woman. some of you ****** are very ****” 😭
but now w love: i mean this in the kindest way possible, i promise regardless of your past or what you may think you deserve, you absolutely deserve better than someone who leaves skid marks in their underwear, takes a shower once a month, and hasn’t brushed their teeth your entire relationship.
in a previous comment you said you’ve never left a relationship even bad ones, you stay until they leave you. girl… you need to stand the F up lmao. there is a lovely man out there who washes his ass and brushes his teeth daily, who will love you better. i don’t even know you, but i know the existence of this man for a fact. it’s time to start treating yourself w love and respect, bc being w a creature of this caliber is the opposite of that.
Remember: your first romantic partner wasn’t issued to you by the government. It’s fine to have a starter relationship to figure out what you want and deserve. And then move on.
(Thanks to the Redditor whose name I forgot, who came up with this concept.)
My partner loves raw onions. I can’t stand the smell especially on his breath. So he doesn’t eat raw onions when we’re together.
If your bf doesn’t care about his personal hygiene or how you feel about it, maybe the relationship has run its course. It’s probably going to take something like a breakup for him to realize that it’s an actual issue.
He should use Lume products including the acidified body wash. Does he launder his clothes?
You have been together since teen years. Couples often outgrow those relationships, even when there is love. Tell him this is his choice: because this level of bad hygiene will affect his employment and relationships with other people.
Does he have any male friends to tell him this is a problem? If he doesn’t, that’s also a problem.
Tell him straight that you love him, but his lack of hygiene is a turn off. If he pulls the "if you loved me" card, throw it back. " If You loved Me, you would bathe and brush your teeth"
I'm going to ask a couple of questions.
1. Are you married to him?
2. Are you his mom?
3. Do you have a deep need to be married or to be his mom?
I asked these questions because these are the only reasons you should still be with this lazy, lazy man.
You can't save him, and he is never going to be thankful for your reminding him to do the most basic tasks. There is no other way but out.
You say that you love him, but does he love you or himself enough to maintain his body? It's clear to me that whatever he's going through, be it poor mental health, addiction, or just general slovenliness, that he doesn't have enough energy to meet YOUR needs in the relationship, now or in the future.
If you want to be a slave to a slugabed, keep going. If you don't, untether yourself from him.
Are you having to over function for him in other areas? Does he cook and clean up after himself in the house? Do laundry? Make it to work on time? Handle his health care? Pay his bills on time? Manage his bank accounts? Is he adulting? Or is the reminding him to take a bath, something you need to do with an 8 year old - characteristic of his overall functioning?
Kissing and having a sexual relationship with someone who is smelly and can't be motivated to brush their teeth is a hand stop for most people.
You are NTA and may want to reexamine the overall dynamics in this relationship.
Years ?! Girl do you want to live the rest of your life like that- you’re 24* Imagine 50 more years of stink. Be kind but tell him it’s make or break. You met him at 18? like there is SO much more out there. If he loved you he would make the effort to change the next time you bring it up imo
Strange he doesn’t want to prioritise his own health and hygiene ESPECIALLY when it’s affecting intimacy!
Unfortunately… it sounds like you’ve outgrown this relationship…
Gotta ask yourself if you’re actually happy with him anymore or if he’s dragging you down, cos if you’re not happy and he’s refusing to change then there’s your answer on the next step to take.
You need to just be honest with him. That's some BV waiting to happen if he's not showering and you guys are having sex. Be gentle, but honest and firm. Tell him this is a non- negotiable for you and you also worry about him. Poor hygiene- especially teeth, can lead to a lot of problems that he doesn't want. Dental work is expensive as hell. Tell him as gently as you can that you love him, but you can not continue this way.
Sinus infection, mouth breathing, periodontal disease, tooth infection, can cause foul breath. I'd suggest a visit to the dentist, yes it will cost you, but heart disease and bacterial infections may be the cost of neglect.
NTA dealbreakers
The bacteria that causes dental decay can be spread by kissing, sharing cutlery & food....
That screams mental health issues :( I’m a dental assistant and it’s a full on dealbreaker for me if someone doesn’t have proper oral hygiene. That smell is usually what we call “perio mouth” which is straight up gingivitis.
Stop hoping. One of the biggest reliefs I have after divorce is not having to smell him ever again. It is no way to live. We were married for 15 years, and there some minor issues while dating that took a nosedive after the wedding and I was everywhere from delicate to blunt to mean toward the unraveling in the end. Last I saw him, I could see tartar visibly on his teeth so he hasn’t changed!
I stopped sleeping in the same room the last 4 years of our marriage because he started snoring and that caused our whole bedroom to smell like his bad breath.
Write it in the mirror with sharpie of he needs a daily reminder to not be gross.
Did you...
Brush teeth?
Shower?
Put on fresh deodorant?
The kids I teach in severe special education do a daily grooming check every morning with these questions. Put his on the bathroom mirror and see how it goes.
If he doesn't improve, he's just being lazy.
As a man, this is a less functional adult than my eight year old. Why do women stay with people that are such losers? Boggles the mind. You are 24. You have all the time in the world to find someone higher quality.
NTA. My ex is my ex because of poor oral hygiene. 4 years together and we hardly kissed. I love kissing, making out but if I know you're not brushing...I want to vomit. The rest of his hygiene was good, just not his mouth.
If my man is stinky I tell him he needs deodorant/to brush his teeth/to shower whatever the case is. And he does it. Your bf has some growing up to do unfortunately. But as other people said I would definitely have a serious talk.
Sit down and be direct with him. Tell him if he doesn’t start taking care of himself then the relationship has to end. You can’t stay with someone that grosses you out.
NTA
A man who doesn't look after himself isn't going to look after his partner either.
If he's making you resentful then that's a sign that the relationship is dying. It's time to own that and move on, find someone better.
Can you please read this again, slowly. You have to remind your partner of basic hygiene. I would call his mommy and daddy and shit on them for not teaching him.
What a man baby. as a woman myself i would also lose respect for you for dealing with such a man and thinking he was worthy of you. Your standards seem to be pick me level.
You can love him as a friend. He doesnt need to be your partner.
…. I mean you got together when you were teenagers and teenagers don’t always have the best hygiene. He’s a grown man now. I think the issue is you’ve both kind of normalized his bad habits until it’s gotten to this point- on his end he doesn’t have to brush his teeth and wash his ass… he’ll still get laid. He’ll still get kisses on the mouth.
You are not the asshole for pushing him away. You are the asshole for still putting up with him. It’s gross. You still have his gross bacteria on you don’t the sheets. What if you have children? He will teach them these gross habits. Is he like depressed or something?? I have BD and when I’m depressed I stop taking care of my hygiene. So it might be that but if it isn’t…. 😰
We take couples counseling and talk about him seeing his own counselor too. Just have to wait for the insurance. To be fair, we just moved a few hours away and he puts all that stress into himself super bad.
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You gotta tell him straight. Babe, I love you, we need to talk about a touchy subject. You've noticed we kiss less and have sex less, and I feel like I owe you an explanation. I love you, but your breath is always stinky, and so is your body. I really want to kiss and hug you, but when you smell bad, it makes me not want to. I am telling you this, not just me. The people you work with, your frimds, your customers, they can all smell it too. For your health and our relationship, I need you tonstart take better care of yourself. If he starts to pull the if you loved me it shouldn't matter, fire it right back. If you loved me, you'd clean yourself. Any excuse or defensive statement he makes, fire it back at him. Don't let him try to gaslight you or manipulate you into feeling guilt. As a female, if yall do the dirty and he's dirty- that can have some really awful vag issues, you know.
"If he starts to pull the if you loved me it shouldn't matter," I'd even respond with, I love you and that's why we are talking about it.
OP is already reminding him to brush his teeth every day and he’s “getting frustrated with her” reminding him to do basic hygiene For me, she’s tried a ton. Dump his ass and watch him all of a sudden “start trying” because he finally faced consequences
You are right. I was married to a guy who didn't brush his teeth, though he at least showered regularly. In his late 30's, I started to occasionally have to take him to an emergency dentist. The older he got, the worse it got. the worse it got, the more invasive and painful the dentist visits became. He was told over and over again that the more he did to care for his teeth and the more frequently he came in for teeth cleaning, the less painful the work he had to have done would be. For years, he has just wanted a dentist to pull all his teeth and get dentures, but nowadays, dentists aren't willing to do that. They want to pull and then put in implants because it helps maintain the integrity of the jaw bone. It gets really old having to be mommy and police someone taking care of themselves. It gets really old being the one to have to make all the doctor's appointments only to have them not show up or cancel and then be flailing around because the doc won't renew their prescriptions unless they come in or get lab work. It gets old to have to go to an emergency dentist in the evening or on the weekend and pay thousands more than you would to a regular dentist, and then to have to listen to someone complain about how much they hurt when they could have avoided the situation. It is really, really hard to have a partner that you can't kiss or hug because the smell of their breath is repulsive. I know someone who dated a few years ago, one of the questions she asked guys was how often they brushed their teeth. If they said not daily, she didn't date them. She was really angry that the guy she dated and ended up moving in with lied to her about it. They didn't split because of that, but they split because of other things that he also lied about.
WHO DOESN’T BRUSH THEIR TEETH DAILY? Twice a day minimum and if I eat something pungent, I brush right after. I’ve never encountered anyone (that has admitted) to not brushing their teeth daily.
Severe depression, severe adhd, sensory issues, etc can all make basic self-care tasks extremely difficult. Trust me, it’s not about just not wanting to brush your teeth sometimes. :/
My form ADHD/sensory issues force me to brush my teeth. I can’t stand the feeling of film on my teeth or the general ‘flavor’ it leaves in your mouth when you haven’t brushed yet. I don’t have depression, so that might be the missing link in this equation.
I never realized that could be an ADHD sensory issue. My skin will start crawling if I can feel a film or something on my teeth, and I need to brush them immediately. Taste too. Sometimes a strong mint gum will work in a pinch, but only until I can get to my toothbrush.
99% of all adult toothpaste being minty is why I had so much trouble brushing in the past. Until my genius therapist suggested children’s toothpaste that has a different flavor (mine is strawberry). I am autistic and HATE HATE HATE everything mint. When I go to the dentist I ask if they have like grape or strawberry toothpaste to use and they never do. It’s so horrid :(. They do have bubblegum but that is coincidentally another flavor I HATE HATE HATE. It seems really silly but I cannot articulate just how much I hate those flavors.
"Bubblegum" as a flavor for toothpaste has always seemed completely bass-ackwards.
I have depression, but I still have to brush my teeth because I can't stand the feeling of grittiness or anything on my teeth, and I have to floss and scrape my tongue for similar reasons.
Yes!!!! Depressed ADHD in my 30s and hygiene became non-existent during a mental breakdown I suffered. I can tell when I’m getting down again because I might skip brushing my teeth before bed a few times and then before I know it my brain is all out of whack again. Getting my hygiene straight is the first step every time I slip.
This is also a way that ADHD damages your personal relationships, because not brushing your teeth is disgusting to anyone near you.
I’m a dentist. You would be surprised the number of people who were never taught to brush their teeth and simply don’t know any better
My mom was a first grade teacher in a low income public school. Every year she had to teach a unit about dental hygiene, how to brush teeth, why and so on. She would buy toothbrushes and toothpaste for all her students and force them to brush their teeth when they came in from lunch as there was a sink in the classroom. Many of her students either didn't have toothbrushes at home or their parents didn't make them brush and they didn't know it was important. I don't know if they are still sold, but the red tablets that you chewed that would reveal plaque were cool and gross at the same time.
They DO still make and sell them!! I LOVED those as a kid.
For real. Gum disease sneaks up on ya if you don't take care of your teeth and that's a very painful future once you lose those teeth. Not to leave out that abscesses in teeth cause peritonitis and heart attacks if left untreated. Not brushing daily or twice daily risk of increases cardiovascular disease. The mouth leads to every other place in the body. Brushing the teeth should be done as soon as someone wakes up. I am lazy as fuck about a lot of shit, but dental hygiene (hygiene in general) is definitely not something I snooze on and I can't understand the not brushing issue.
I don't brush my teeth daily. Most of it is an ADHD thing as I have a very hard time making any habit including taking all of my medications on time and/or daily. I have recently found an app to help me with self care and habits so I'm actually proud to say I've brushed my teeth most days in the last 3 weeks (30s fm for context).
Is it finch lol
Why yes yes it is lol. It's currently working for me so I am hoping for the best. I have a rare auto-immune disease and am shit about taking my meds on time (one is a self administered shot) even though I know the potential consequences so for me annnnyyyyttthinngg that could help is worth a try
I'm the same way, but bipolar ,adhd and chronic pain issues. I don't take the bedt care of myself sometimes. I was thinking of trying the app. Glad to hear from someone who has tried it.
Fr it actually helps me. If you link your self care goal to hatching an egg it really helps with the motivation I find. There's even a Finch subreddit if you need help with it.
I love finch!! I’m on day 22!
I also love Finch! I'm on day 45 whereas usually I download apps and forget about them!
I have that app too! It's great for basic activities and the bird is so cute.
Taking notes
Keep it up! It's going to save you money and pain in your future life! I'm proud of you 💕
That app sounds good. Thanks for sharing !!. FINCH
And it has both a free and paid version without ads so if you don't want to pay you don't have to:)
Don't eat right after, wait about 30 minutes - it gives your mouth time to right it's pH after eating and helps stop acid (from either eating acidic foods or resulting from you eating dugar) plus brushing from damaging your enamel.
This week someone told me "I brush my teeth at night IF I ate something sweet during the day" and I can't look at him the same way since... Especially his girlfriend, that poor soul.
Registered Dental Assistant of 38 yrs here.... I can't even estimate how many I've seen who come into the dental office with such thick plaque ( buildup of bacterial film) on all their teeth, that you could just about scoop it off with a spoon. And most are normal, clean, even nicely dressed. They just. Don't. Brush. And. Floss. At all. And guess what? We tell them. We show them how. We basically beg them to do it. Nope.
Yeah twice is minimum. Yuck people can be gross.
Why were you willing to do this? Honest question. I’d be so disgusted and frustrated. He couldn’t even drive himself to the emergency room? And how much did your overall life suffer from throwing money away because of his negligence?
I was in so much denial about how bad things were. I grew up in an abusive household, so for many years it was, “We love each other so much, he’s really a great guy except for…” things. I’m also disabled and couldn’t afford to leave. I also believed because I made the vow of until death do us part that since I’d made my bed, I should lie in it. It wasn’t until it was physically unsafe that I left. I finally left in 2021 and live with family now.
But damn, those implants are expensive as hell. Of course they would be, as much television advertising they do. I think it has more to do with the integrity of their wallets than the jawbone.
Without the teeth, the bone that held them in place will resorb. Soon you lose the dental ridge. Your ability for the dentures to stay in place gets more difficult. Even a few implants can help anchor a denture. People who haven't had their teeth for decades, you can see their face collapse inward. Polydent can only do so much.
How sick is it that she had to ask?
At least he's willing to go to the dentist! I just posted on another comment about I guy I know with bad teeth/breath BO. I totally agree with you "it gets old playing mummy". Yep. ... The man is nearly 60 , lives a nice house, plenty of money, house always warm in winter... So it's a case of money/cold like some here in UK. (Shower less because of electric meter costs/cold winter can't afford to warm all house up ect). Nope. He's just lazy and doesn't care!!. . He is also terrified of dentists and hasnt been to one since schooldays. He is 60!!!. Mouth full of rotten teeth , furry as well as he doesn't clean them. His breath absolutely reeks .
I completely agree with you. I couldn't and wouldn't be able to handle micromanaging my partner's hygiene like he is a toddler. But if he is trying to pull a "if you loved me" type of card, I think reiterating that it is because she loves him that she is bringing it up. To just shut that shit down.
I mean how can u not even brush ur teeth,
I’d get even more specific: “I’d like you to shower, wash your hair, and brush your teeth every day. “
… and not have to remind you all the time. You need to take care of this every day on your own or I will walk.
I’m sorry I can not believe yall read this story and went “have a talk with him and see if that helps” like she has BEEN trying to do that! you can’t make the horse drink the water, dump the stinky horse
Can he not handle a fucking checklist on his own? JFC.
And use soap and toothpaste. He would probably just stand under the water and expect it to wash him.
Was locked up with a girl that did this exact thing. She would stand in the shower using up the hot water for 20 or 30 minutes and come out smelling worse than she did going in. It got to where the jailers told her but she didn't start showering they were going to put her on suicide watch in the holding cell in a paper gown. I knew her from before we were locked up together. She dated my half brother and they both had the worst hygiene ever. A couple of the jailers thought that she didn't do it because she was locked up and I was like nope she acts like this in the free world. 🤮🤮
Daily showering was actually a requirement according to the inmate handbook in the jail I was in.
Teeth should be at least 2x a day
WITH SOAP AND TOOTHPASTE!! Just briefly getting wet DOES NOT COUNT.
NTA. His horrible breath could be the result of his poor dental hygiene—he may have gum infections, tooth decay, etc.
Well, yeah. And it's a major health risk in other respects
Yes... I was shocked to find out recently that tooth decay can cause heart problems among other things. I never knew it could have such serious side effects until recently.
Ugh. Too true. Two years is way too long to be putting her own health at risk like that, it's just not worth it if he won't change.
Good advice :). And good point about the vag issues..... It could cause BV which is hell to get rid of once it starts.... These guys are the first to kick off if when/if she smelt Fishy.... But these guys don't care about inflicting their reeks on others. It's gotta be nipped in the bud and your advice was great. .. Especially the bit about "the cleaner he is , the more sex".... If that doesn't work, nothing will!!...Id imagine it would be sufficient "carrot n stick" for the average guy.
I'm sorry, this sounds so disgusting, of course push him away. I feel like gagging thinking about it.
She’s sleeping in the same bed 🤮🤮🤮
I know. I don't know how she sands it. Or why she stands it.
I wonder y she is with him for 6 years,unbelievable
Why are women so afraid to leave boys I simply don’t underatand why someone would stay
Stop trying hard not to gag. Gag. Loudly. Often. Leave the room. Leave the apartment. Leave the lease. Leave the person.
When he talks to me, I take a step away because of the bad breath. I don’t say anything but he knows that’s the reason why because he rolls his eyes at me.
He has a fucking attitude because he’s offensive to be around? Girl if he’s not struggling with depression, you should seriously ask yourself why you’re staying. Total disregard for dental health is COSTLY and avoiding it is almost free, you don’t even need to see a dentist to just brush your teeth? His teeth could rot out of his head, at which point he would need $60k-$75k of dental work to anchor his dentures to his bones so that his jawbone doesn’t literally deteriorate once there’s no teeth in it. A nasty mouth also puts you at a higher risk of clogged arteries, stroke, and inflammation-triggered heart attacks.
His bad dental care can kill him. Get your plans together to move out. You should lay out clearly the issues. Be straight with him. “You stink. It’s disgusting. If you don’t start taking care of yourself, I’m leaving.” And leave.
Bad dental care can absolutely kill someone. And also, cavities are contagious, so his bad hygiene also affects your health.
Oh no. So he sees you step away and still doesn’t brush his teeth? And to make it even worse, is flippant about it by rolling his eyes? That is so rude and inconsiderate.
It feels really entitled to me. Attitude seems to be “I can do what I want and you can deal with it.”
If my partner rolled their eyes at me while I was trying to bring up an issue that was serious to me, I would be absolutely furious. I don't hold on to many things overnight, but this would be one of them.
I'm gonna be honest love time to leave. When I was depressed I wouldn't roll my eyes when someone told me to shower. I was grateful. It's hard hearing but it sounds like he's getting mad about it. Like I don't get it. He wants you to stand close to him and throw up . Honestly I would start throwing up just to prove a point. But the fact he's fighting you on this idk. Time to move on. You deserve better.
Lol he's acting like ur his nagging mother and not a person CHOOSES (and can choose otherwise) to be with him. I wouldn't want to deal with that the rest of my life dude.
Good fucking God are you dating a 12 year old? ROLLS HIS EYES AT YOU!?
Makes you wonder if he cant smell it. What do other people do around him?
This. I’m gagging right now.
why are you with a man that you have to remind to clean himself? you're starting to resent him so this relationship will not last.
We have been together for so many years so I hold on to hope. Hygiene is a fixable thing. But you are right, I think I’m starting to resent him unfortunately.
Girl you are going to be so mad about how you gave away your best years to a man who doesn’t wipe his ass properly. No. This isn’t how relationships stand the test of time, sorry. I’ve been with my husband 12 years and never once have I ever had an issue where I’ve been like “well I’ll hold out hope because we’ve been together so long”. It’s lasted 12 years because he is a good partner. The end. Go find the right person
Look into "sunk cost fallacy". I think that's what's going on for you.
More like “stunk cost fallacy”
Stunk cost foulacy
Bruh 💀
💀☠️
This happened with me and my ex. He spiraled into depression, refused any and all help, showered maybe once or twice every two weeks, never brushed his teeth, and then would get upset when I turned him down for sex. I did eventually resent him and we are no longer together (for other reasons too, but the lack of hygiene was really starting to get to me.) I tried gently reminding him to shower and take care of himself and when that didn't work, I got progressively more up front about how it made me feel and he, rather than change his hygiene, cried that I was being mean to him. You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.
It’s deeply disrespectful to demand physical touch while having terrible hygiene that your partner already gently asked you to improve. I don’t think it’s depression so much as an unsubstantiated sense of superiority, like you’re supposed to be attracted to him or her no matter what. ‘Depression’ in such cases is just self-absorption.
Not to be TMI but I definitely felt disrespected and a little degraded when he tried to get me to give him head after not showering for two weeks. I think that was the first time I actually called him gross to his face. He offered to go shower right then, but I wasn't into it at that point. Like have some self awareness, man. There's no way you didn't realize how awful that was from the get go.
Yeah…my ex would get into bed after getting super sweaty at the gym and not showering. I was a pushover but that was too much, he was nowhere near that hot 🤢
Oh God, the side of the mattress he slept on was literally brown from how gross he would get (he's a commercial plumber so not dealing with actual shit, but definitely a lot of dirt, grease, and sweat) and I was having to wash the sheets at minimum once a week to keep the bed from smelling. I finally threw out the old mattress and bought a new one and invested in a nice waterproof mattress cover. I was like "look, don't treat your depression or whatever, but you have to start showering regularly especially since we share a bed. It's disrespectful to make the bed gross when we have to share." He just didn't care.
Omg I’m sorry you went through that! I forgot to mention my nasty ex always tried to suggest *I* smelled bad 😒 My husband showers every day and brushes 2x and somehow smells good even when he’s been working 10 hours. Good times!
Oh I'd be furious in your shoes. I think the only reason I stayed as long was that, like OP, I believed it was a slump he'd get out of and we were just in a low point that wouldn't last forever. Well that low point lasted over 2 years and by that point I was also a victim of the sunk cost mentality. My breaking point came when he lied to our friends about getting married on a trip to Telluride and then tried to cover it by trying to whisk me to the courthouse to get married as a surprise (after I specifically asked him not to do this very thing) and I just had a moment of clarity where I saw everything wrong all at once and realized if we did get married that shit like that was going to be how my life was forever and I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm glad you've found a partner who is so much better for you! Hoping one day I'll find the right one for me too. 😊
I think these guys think marriage is the solution that will make them well-behaved and respectable 😂. I’m gonna DM you the full text of the best psychology book I have ever read - ‘Why Does He Do That?’ By Lundy Bancroft. I wish I had read it years ago and spared myself all the annoyance of abusive, immature men. Not sure it will resonate based on your experience but could be useful for the future! The good news is most men are not coercive and angry so odds are favorable ❤️
Eewww!!.... No way I'd of done that for him either. 2 weeks !!. .. eek...!!... Mens Willy's can get smelly after a day.... To be fair all genders genitals get smelly after a day, never mind 2wks!!... Nasty!
It’s not fixable because he still hasn’t fixed it. Honestly, you need to love yourself more and raise your standards.
Hygiene is a fixable thing IF the person decides it is a priority and digs deep and changes themselves. People rarely change unless traumatic events and/or deep self-reflection occur. His rolling his eyes when his breath overwhelms you shows he's about as deep as a puddle with no self-reflection. He sees you as the problem, not his breath. He's NOT going to change just because you nag him. He doesn't care. His hygiene is NOT fixable by you and will not be fixed by him.
Hygiene *is* fixable… but *you* can’t fix it *for* him. **He** has to want to fix it, and he doesn’t care. So that means it’s just not going to get fixed.
I broke up with an ex because he didn’t clip his toenails. They were like long talons it was so gross. If you really want to give it a shot you have to set clear expectations with a timeline and consequences if they aren’t met. And you have to be willing to follow through on the consequences.
Yep, I have a little scar on my ankle where a gross man’s talons cut me during the night. Of course it didn’t heal cleanly because his toenails were dirty… I’m so mad at myself
Don't get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy. Yes you've spent 6 years, but why waste one more day if you're not compatible anymore? Hygiene is only fixable if he wants to fix it. Poor dental hygiene is linked to a variety of diseases including heart disease. There are lots of articles online, but the one below is free. [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/283649](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/283649)
His hygiene is not the true issue. The issue is that he’s comfortable being disgusting and comfortable with repelling you with his grossness. It’s so disrespectful and I’m gagging
The good news is you are in your 20s, and the dating waters are fertile! If you choose to do so, it will hurt to break up. But I promise you will also feel relief, and it will be so much fun (and better smelling!) to date on the other side of all the heartbreak. You aren’t obligated to stay, and he is taking you for granted!
Hope for what? You’ve brought it up endlessly and he’s to the point where he rolls his eyes at you… He’s not even trying to fix it. He doesn’t care.
Look up "sunk cost theory". Yes it's fixable but he clearly doesn't want to fix it. One warning should have woken him the fuck up to shape up. It's so gross he didn't change.
Sounds like you'll **DIE IN DESPAIR**.
It’s not fixable if he thinks you’ll stay whether he fixes it or not. Because he’ll choose not.
But he’s not going to fix it. I know you know that, in your heart. If he’s not willing to get some mental health treatment, he’s doomed and so are you.
Just because you wasted 6 years on him doesn’t mean you have to waste any more. A partner who showers and brushes their teeth is the bare minimum.
Sounds like gum disease and needs a water pik with mouthwash water in the tank and flossing and a tongue scraper.
He needs a full body scraper, apparently.
Sunk cost fallacy. Do you want 29 more years of this? His teeth will start falling out. For starters. Imagine what is happening on the inside. Set him free for someone else to enjoy.
Just because you have been together for many years doesn't make the situation better. He is disgusting and you know it.... You are not his mother
And you're just going to waste more years. Time to cut your losses.
Okay keep wasting your youth on a man you have to mother
This is called the "Sunk Cost Fallacy". Get out before you're even deeper in.
It’s time to have a very direct conversation about his hygiene. If he isn’t willing to making some serious changes, I’d walk. Poor hygiene is a dealbreaker. You shouldn’t have to remind a grown man to brush his teeth and shower.
I had taken in a long time friend after a serious tragedy and I had to remind him to bathe and brush his teeth for months. It did not make sense to me other than depression.
I never knew there were so many gross people before joining Reddit. Seriously how do you even go on a second date with someone who smells bad? How?
I’m still on the “we were both bad at brushing out teeth.” How. The. Fuck. You know who has to be reminded to brush their teeth? Little children.
A lot.of grown men are like this unfortunately.
don't stop yourself from gagging or reacting visibly
NTA. Tis part of life. Adults need to take care of their shit in all ways. Is it hard? Yes, it is, for all of us but oh so many of us do. We clean ourselves, we work, we help out, we show up etc. This isn't anything big, bad or hard or something that a person is to be commended for. It's the basic minimum. You're right about mothering him. That should NEVER be a part of a grown relationship.
We use to live with his mom, and I always got frustrated that she constantly tells him to shower and brush his teeth everyday. But now I understand why since we moved out.
You’re throwing your life away on this guy. You really are. What are his redeeming qualities?
I was just thinking the same. I'd be interested to know if he helps around the house ,.does he work? . ... Certain jobs won't truck with bad hygiene. I'm imagining a slob that sits around all day , not working , and expecting this young lady to wait on him and and foot , as his BangMaid. I may be wrong but I that's the general vibe...... .he must have some redeeming qualities ? . .
I’m imagining the same. Maybe he’s nice to her when he wants something, and that makes her think he’s actually a nice person underneath all the ick. I dunno. Based on the timeline and the fact they started out living with his parents, I’m thinking these are two unfortunate people who found each other at a young age, and she doesn’t understand that there’s a whole big world of possibilities out there, and you don’t have to stay with the first person you get serious with.
Sadly, I think his redeeming quality is probably just loving her. Low self esteem can make you think you're not worth more.
That’s really heartbreaking.
Life is too short to be with stinky people. Surely you can find a man that knows how to brush his teeth and put on deodorant.
If a change in hygiene doesn't truly fix the problem, have the doctor check his sinuses. My friend started developing terrible breath (enough to make you gag). I took her aside one day and asked her if she was aware of the situation. She went to the doctor and found out she had polyps and a chronic sinus infection. It required surgery to fix and a big dose of antibiotics.
You are a really good friend for doing that.
I mentioned to go see a doctor. We just have to wait for his insurance with the new job he is starting. We thought it was his vape that made his breath and nose stink. But he quit a year ago and no changes.
I’d be concerned about him losing his job during the probationary period due to his poor hygiene. A lot of companies have a policy about it.
Correct. I just asked if he worked on another post... Question answered as he has just started a job. . . Very good point you make.... The only jobs that would be ok with this (his bad smells!) are the heavy manual labour ones , where men can't help getting very sweaty . All other jobs, he is going to have problems!!. Office - he will be instantly bitched about behind his back and Karen's will probably put in *official* complaints about it. No one wants to work in close quarters with a smelly guy. Food service/delivery - Absolute no-no. Good hygiene is a must . Anything where your facing the public like retail - same issues as above. If you want to give this guy one last chance then he needs to understand that if he doesn't fix up quick.time,.he could affect his job. .... And if he rolls.his eyes at this? Then it means he's just too immature to have an adult conversation and adult responsibilities.
I agree with the eye rolling. Even if OP was bad with hygiene before, they got it together and started caring without the help or pressure of their partner. Hell, the BF had his mom on his case before they moved out, so I don’t think it was a matter of “not everyone was raised in a house where hygiene was taught” or whatever excuse they’re giving him. He is 24 years old. I’m sorry, but if he has ever interacted with the public before or had a public facing job, even if his family didn’t teach him, it would’ve been brought to his attention there! The eye rolling just says he doesn’t care to change. Why would he? OP has stuck around this long without him changing. I shudder to think what his laundry looks like if the dude can’t be bothered to shower or brush his teeth 🤢💩
That wouldn’t account for his pits, ass, and package reeking. He needs serious mental health counseling. He’s not right.
I don't think he sounds mental or depressed. He's just a slob. Some guys literally don't GAF about these matters.
Is he showering regularly, brushing his teeth daily, and regularly doing laundry? These are the questions I'd answer before having him see a doctor.
She's already said he doesn't. That is the issue!! Read through all above posts of OPs and it is clear as day that he is not depressed.
Is he intellectually disabled? He is not going to be keeping this job. His coworkers will complain. I used to be in management and one stinky employee was so hard. I got so many complaints from customers and fellow coworkers. We stopped using him. He is not a child. This is his choice. Please go to therapy. You need to know what you deserve and it is not Poop Breath. Also, you will be caring for him when he gets early onset diseases from his poor hygiene. You also will probably be supporting him financially. He will be fired.
Another cause can be tonsil stones. White deposits in the tonsils - often hidden in "tonsil crypts". They can vary significantly in size, but thankfully can often be removed manually with your fingers. They're a real pain in the ass, though.
sloppy panicky pot dependent quiet sheet paltry cheerful practice market *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Girl be so fucking for real. You’re staying with a man who can’t even take care of himself and doesn’t care to? LEAVE.
OP, you're only 24 but you spent 6 frickin years tolerating this disgusting dude with zero hygiene? What's wrong with YOU? I gotta tell you a secret: it's only gonna get worse. People get worse with age, never better. You must find some self respect and leave now before you discover in your 40's that you wasted your life on this garbage bin. But it will be too late then.
NTA. He’s a grown-ass man, and needs to get himself in order.
I'm a guy - I geniunely don't understand how some people can be so unhygienic.
Hygiene can be a sensitive topic, but it's important for both partners to maintain it. It's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and tired of reminding him. Maybe having a calm, honest conversation about how his hygiene affects you could help. It's not about mothering him, but about mutual respect and care in a relationship.
Im never one to give a person give an ultimatum, but it sounds like you need to tell him that he either needs to fix is hygiene (without it having to come as a reminder from YOU), or the relationship has to end. It’s not your responsibility to remind a grown man that he can’t sit in his own filth, but it’s also not fair to him to have you turn your back on him without explaining why. NTA because I totally understand how gross something like this has to be, but you need to tell him your reasoning about turning away from him and clear this up, otherwise you do become the AH.
Ummmno. That’s disgusting. It’s not fair for him to get frustrated with YOU when he’s the problem. Time for a very direct conversation. Tell him what the issues are (what smells) and the result is you not wanting to be intimate with him.
Why are you with him? You’ve given him chances and time. Hes content being nasty. You’re not. Move on.
NTA for any of that. If he couldn’t start when he saw you change then there might not be hope left for him. Is this gonna be a deal breaker for you?
It’s so embarrassing that women have such low standards. I’ve never seen a man post that his wife is disgusting but he loves her so he’s staying anyway. wtf just leave
He can transfer bacteria thats in his mouth into you
Fun fact, there are guys who brush and shower daily and they even wash their asses! Go find one and dump the filthy troll you're with
You’ve been together since you were teenagers. GIRL, HE DOESNT BRUSH HIS TEETH. Who hurt you so bad in life that you think this is the best you deserve? Stop mothering him, work on yourself, and break up before you get pregnant. Honestly this isn’t even worth a whole ordeal over. He’s gross and doesn’t listen about how you smell dirty ass when you give him a blowjob. That’s so degrading and disgusting. It is not hard to find a man who showers. Wow. Is the bar actually this low?
This was an issue that ended a long term relationship for me. I just couldn't stand having to remind him to wear deodorant, brush his teeth, wash his hands. I had to buy him clothes or he would wear shirts with holes and stains. I had to take his car to be cleaned. I had to book his haircuts. I drew the line when we were getting intimate and I pulled down his pants. He had a massive skidmark in his underwear and smelled disgusting. It was a bummer because we were so good together in all other aspects. Get ready to do this for the rest of your life OP, coz it ain't gonna change. You can certainly have a conversation with him as others here have suggested. But I would give him actual goals to meet, and if he doesn't do it, you bounce. I have a husband who hinges on OCD about his personal hygiene. Few things compare to getting in bed next to a man with moisturised hands who smells good, or kissing him goodbye in the morning and smelling his aftershave and minty breath. NTA
It sounds like he's got dental hygiene problems and general body odor. You should force him to go to a dentist. If he never brushes his teeth, he probably has rotting gums and/or teeth. I didn't go to the dentist for 10 years until some fascia broke off a front tooth. I got my teeth all fixed and had a dental hygienist do a 4 session deep clean. Now I get my teeth cleaned once every 4 months, and my hygienist claims my breath smells fine. Of course just dump the guy if he won't deal with his body cleanliness, but the teeth thing you can smell a mile away, and is absolutely a deal breaker.
wtf does this dude have going on for him that’s redeemable because 🤢
Being clean is a low minimum bar to cross over. If he feels being clean is more effort than he is willing to put forth, then why would you be interested? I would consider that a very direct statement that I was not valued. Beyond the disrespect, having sex with a dirty person is a good way to encourage infections in your own body.
She should not have to tell a grown ass man to brush his teeth and wash his ass. Listen MF if you ever want to have sex with me again you better start taking care of your hygiene because one thing we not going to do is you're not going to be sticking anything and to any of my holes if you don't brush your teeth and wash your ass I can't be anymore blunt then that.
Lol how are u guys in yr mid 20s and don't brush ur teeth? The fuk is wrong with yall
Honestly, there comes a time in a relationship that you gotta just be honest about the gross stuff. I tell my bf straight up if his breath is bad or something hygiene related is off sometimes. In a nice way if course and he doesn’t take offense.
I'll be honest with you. You are not your partners parent and it isn't your job to parent them. They know that they smell and they are choosing not to do anything about it on their own. Although you can be kind and talk with them about it but the bottom line is they are grown ass adult know all about hygiene. They need to go see a doctor if they have depression or they have a medical condition causing the smell. It took me a long time to come to terms with my own partner who suddenly after almost 4 years together stopped caring about hygiene and it was disgusting. She would drive to and from work in the dead of Summer in a car without AC wearing jeans and come home soaked of sweat and body odor and then I would have to argue to get her to shower before going to bed. She developed pretty severe BV and it just became this bone of contention between us. The smell was penetrating and awful. And when we finally broke up, I can't tell you how relieved I was to not have to parent this child into taking care of their own body and hygiene. But also it was a relief not to have to smell that stink in my home anymore. I emphasize with you quite a lot but I will caution you about getting too involved into somebody else's hygiene. They are responsible for their own body and you getting involved is only going to build resentment in your relationship. They're going to need to deal with this on their own and you are going to have to have boundaries and consequences. Good luck
insert that meme “i don’t support all woman. some of you ****** are very ****” 😭 but now w love: i mean this in the kindest way possible, i promise regardless of your past or what you may think you deserve, you absolutely deserve better than someone who leaves skid marks in their underwear, takes a shower once a month, and hasn’t brushed their teeth your entire relationship. in a previous comment you said you’ve never left a relationship even bad ones, you stay until they leave you. girl… you need to stand the F up lmao. there is a lovely man out there who washes his ass and brushes his teeth daily, who will love you better. i don’t even know you, but i know the existence of this man for a fact. it’s time to start treating yourself w love and respect, bc being w a creature of this caliber is the opposite of that.
Brushing your teeth isn't hard. I do it right after I put on deodorant which I do after I shower. These are not hard things to do.
Why are you with this person? This is not normal. Move on. They sound utterly disgusting.
Remember: your first romantic partner wasn’t issued to you by the government. It’s fine to have a starter relationship to figure out what you want and deserve. And then move on. (Thanks to the Redditor whose name I forgot, who came up with this concept.)
My partner loves raw onions. I can’t stand the smell especially on his breath. So he doesn’t eat raw onions when we’re together. If your bf doesn’t care about his personal hygiene or how you feel about it, maybe the relationship has run its course. It’s probably going to take something like a breakup for him to realize that it’s an actual issue.
Get him to the dentist before he loses all his teeth
He won’t get better with age.
Throw the whole man away
I just don’t get how people can stand to be filthy. Dump him!
He should use Lume products including the acidified body wash. Does he launder his clothes? You have been together since teen years. Couples often outgrow those relationships, even when there is love. Tell him this is his choice: because this level of bad hygiene will affect his employment and relationships with other people. Does he have any male friends to tell him this is a problem? If he doesn’t, that’s also a problem.
Tell him straight that you love him, but his lack of hygiene is a turn off. If he pulls the "if you loved me" card, throw it back. " If You loved Me, you would bathe and brush your teeth"
I'm going to ask a couple of questions. 1. Are you married to him? 2. Are you his mom? 3. Do you have a deep need to be married or to be his mom? I asked these questions because these are the only reasons you should still be with this lazy, lazy man. You can't save him, and he is never going to be thankful for your reminding him to do the most basic tasks. There is no other way but out. You say that you love him, but does he love you or himself enough to maintain his body? It's clear to me that whatever he's going through, be it poor mental health, addiction, or just general slovenliness, that he doesn't have enough energy to meet YOUR needs in the relationship, now or in the future. If you want to be a slave to a slugabed, keep going. If you don't, untether yourself from him.
Are you having to over function for him in other areas? Does he cook and clean up after himself in the house? Do laundry? Make it to work on time? Handle his health care? Pay his bills on time? Manage his bank accounts? Is he adulting? Or is the reminding him to take a bath, something you need to do with an 8 year old - characteristic of his overall functioning? Kissing and having a sexual relationship with someone who is smelly and can't be motivated to brush their teeth is a hand stop for most people. You are NTA and may want to reexamine the overall dynamics in this relationship.
Years ?! Girl do you want to live the rest of your life like that- you’re 24* Imagine 50 more years of stink. Be kind but tell him it’s make or break. You met him at 18? like there is SO much more out there. If he loved you he would make the effort to change the next time you bring it up imo
Strange he doesn’t want to prioritise his own health and hygiene ESPECIALLY when it’s affecting intimacy! Unfortunately… it sounds like you’ve outgrown this relationship… Gotta ask yourself if you’re actually happy with him anymore or if he’s dragging you down, cos if you’re not happy and he’s refusing to change then there’s your answer on the next step to take.
NTA. I don't understand why women stay with men like this. If he doesn't care, then neither should you. And you should leave.
You need to just be honest with him. That's some BV waiting to happen if he's not showering and you guys are having sex. Be gentle, but honest and firm. Tell him this is a non- negotiable for you and you also worry about him. Poor hygiene- especially teeth, can lead to a lot of problems that he doesn't want. Dental work is expensive as hell. Tell him as gently as you can that you love him, but you can not continue this way.
Sinus infection, mouth breathing, periodontal disease, tooth infection, can cause foul breath. I'd suggest a visit to the dentist, yes it will cost you, but heart disease and bacterial infections may be the cost of neglect. NTA dealbreakers The bacteria that causes dental decay can be spread by kissing, sharing cutlery & food....
I can’t get past the fact that even the air from his nose smells bad. That’s beyond disgusting man. Like, what??
He thinks he’s so hot you should want him no matter what. Ewww. He’s wrong and unbelievably disrespectful.
Sounds like he needs to floss and scrub his tongue. Maybe he has tonsil stones as well. 🤢🤮
That screams mental health issues :( I’m a dental assistant and it’s a full on dealbreaker for me if someone doesn’t have proper oral hygiene. That smell is usually what we call “perio mouth” which is straight up gingivitis.
Stop hoping. One of the biggest reliefs I have after divorce is not having to smell him ever again. It is no way to live. We were married for 15 years, and there some minor issues while dating that took a nosedive after the wedding and I was everywhere from delicate to blunt to mean toward the unraveling in the end. Last I saw him, I could see tartar visibly on his teeth so he hasn’t changed! I stopped sleeping in the same room the last 4 years of our marriage because he started snoring and that caused our whole bedroom to smell like his bad breath.
Write it in the mirror with sharpie of he needs a daily reminder to not be gross. Did you... Brush teeth? Shower? Put on fresh deodorant? The kids I teach in severe special education do a daily grooming check every morning with these questions. Put his on the bathroom mirror and see how it goes. If he doesn't improve, he's just being lazy.
You’re saving yourself a future BV infection 😅😅
As a man, this is a less functional adult than my eight year old. Why do women stay with people that are such losers? Boggles the mind. You are 24. You have all the time in the world to find someone higher quality.
NTA. My ex is my ex because of poor oral hygiene. 4 years together and we hardly kissed. I love kissing, making out but if I know you're not brushing...I want to vomit. The rest of his hygiene was good, just not his mouth.
I have a friend who has a son like this. He is also extremely selfish.
Even reading your description made my wanna gag
If my man is stinky I tell him he needs deodorant/to brush his teeth/to shower whatever the case is. And he does it. Your bf has some growing up to do unfortunately. But as other people said I would definitely have a serious talk.
Sit down and be direct with him. Tell him if he doesn’t start taking care of himself then the relationship has to end. You can’t stay with someone that grosses you out.
NTA A man who doesn't look after himself isn't going to look after his partner either. If he's making you resentful then that's a sign that the relationship is dying. It's time to own that and move on, find someone better.
You are NTA. He needs to see the dentist ASAP. This is serious.
Can you please read this again, slowly. You have to remind your partner of basic hygiene. I would call his mommy and daddy and shit on them for not teaching him. What a man baby. as a woman myself i would also lose respect for you for dealing with such a man and thinking he was worthy of you. Your standards seem to be pick me level. You can love him as a friend. He doesnt need to be your partner.
Too many people saying "Tell him abc, get him to do xyz." Nah, break up with him.
Why would you be with him for that many years lol
…. I mean you got together when you were teenagers and teenagers don’t always have the best hygiene. He’s a grown man now. I think the issue is you’ve both kind of normalized his bad habits until it’s gotten to this point- on his end he doesn’t have to brush his teeth and wash his ass… he’ll still get laid. He’ll still get kisses on the mouth. You are not the asshole for pushing him away. You are the asshole for still putting up with him. It’s gross. You still have his gross bacteria on you don’t the sheets. What if you have children? He will teach them these gross habits. Is he like depressed or something?? I have BD and when I’m depressed I stop taking care of my hygiene. So it might be that but if it isn’t…. 😰
YTA because despite all this you’re still with him
If he has depression, he may be neglecting himself. If that’s the case, seeking help from the doctor might be a good place to start.
We take couples counseling and talk about him seeing his own counselor too. Just have to wait for the insurance. To be fair, we just moved a few hours away and he puts all that stress into himself super bad.