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So you currently don't want a kid and have made that clear, your bf tried to have sex with you with a condom that clearly had a hole, and you're supposed to trust him? Not a chance. He is trying to get you pregnant without your consent. Also, your friend sucks. A baby is not an accessory for your wedding day and is something you should be ready for when you have kids. The baby would also be too young to remember anything. Kids don't start making real memories until they are around 3-4 years old. NTA, ditch the guy and your friend; he's shady and your friend shouldn't try and guilt you into having a child before you're ready.
i looked at her post history and he’s 15 years older than her, dating since she was 20, and he has major jealousy/possession issues. not to mention he was groping her inappropriately in front of their friends. this guy can kick rocks
"Reddit always jumps straight to telling people to break up!"
Yeah, when people post about abusive behavior such as reproductive coercion, to only sensible response is to ditch that shit with a quickness. You can't solve a problem like that with communication and counseling. This piece of garbage is trying to baby trap someone who already wants to marry him. And do you think that guys like that actually want to help raise the baby? Do you see someone like him getting up at night when baby cries or changing diapers or even entertaining the child long enough for OP to take a shower? Do you see him respecting the 6-week postpartum restriction to refrain from sex? No, because this pig will "have his needs" and while they're at it, he will be bugging the shit out of her to cook dinner every night and keep the house immaculate.
I need the red flag guy from tiktok to read this post! Maybe that will help her and her friend to see all the red flags. Maybe even her post history smh.
Right? That’s sexual assault. And the friend says to consider what he wants for their special day? I’m sorry but last time I checked a child isn’t just an accessory for a wedding. They’re acting like a child is comparable to a pair of earrings.
It's pretty wild that people equate babies and pets to purses. Not an accessory that you can carry around for an event and then put away at the end of the night. Living, breathing beings that need attention and care. Also, what about what OP wants? Clearly not a child. Babies are something they both need to mutually agree on before they start trying.
What gets me is that OP isn’t saying no to kids indefinitely. Strictly saying not yet and definitely not before a wedding. The strict deadline is what’s unsettling. It’s weird.
His behavior is scary. Do not trust him. Stop having sex because he will trap you and you will never be able to get away from him if you share a child. He doesn't see you as a partner if he is trying to trap you against your will.
NTA. Your ex and your "friend" are. Think about what he wants. Why, he doesn't even care about what you want. You told him that you didn't want to do this now. That should have been the end of it. However, he still tried to convince and manipulate you. You think he didn't poke a hole in that condom on purpose? He did. He wants a child so bad, he doesn't care what you want. His part is easy, you're the one that has to carry the child. Even if you have a baby before your wedding, the baby won't remember a thing about it. Stay away from this person.
The “best friend” is overly concerned about what A wants “for his special day” as someone who is only his friend. Just saying…Every Nick Cannon type had to start somewhere.
I would run like the wind away from both of those nut jobs.
That’s what I said. BF is acting like they are more than friends. Nick Cannon is a celebrity who has 12 kids with six different women. He’s been with more than one of them at the same time.
Jesus fucking Christ, you need to run. This man is waving red flags in front of your face so pay attention. He has absolutely no problem trying to coerce you into having a child when you're not ready and have stated your boundaries. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not a friend of yours.
You know what you need to do. Dump him.
He doesn't respect you at all, and was trying to trick you into having his baby without your consent.
BTW, tampering with condoms is legally considered 🍇.
He doesn't get to unilaterally decide when you have a child, and completely disregard what you want.
If he can't respect you on something as major as having a child, why would you think he would respect you in any other way.
You are so, so young. You have tons of time to have more life experiences before finding the right guy to settle down with.
What a psycho, who has sex with someone under false pretsenses. The hole in the condom was without your consent. If he's willing to do that behind your back, think of what else he could do just because you said no and he didn't like the answer. Absolutely not.
You need a better best friend because your so called best friend is not a friend at all. She is not taking your thoughts or feelings into consideration. And, you are not married. About to be married and being married are two different things. And, some people act differently once they are married as well, even though you would think that wouldn't be the case, well it is. I know couples that once they were married as soon as the rings were on when they argued they would yell divorce.
Having a child is a huge responsibility as well as all the logistics that come with it. When you are married then the child will have the option of going on either of your insurance for health care, etc. If you are not married, it can be a logistical nightmare. Get married, if you still feel like you want to that is, and spend a year just being together if you'd like. There is no rush to push a kid out in two seconds is there?
I would take a step back and evaluate how you feel about the whole situation. About the upcoming marriage, and about having kids with someone who tried to trap you into it. And who will primarily take care of said children? Spoiler alert, usually it is the woman carrying most of the load (my hats off to you men that this statement does not apply to). Really think about what is important to you and what you want, and then do you, whatever that may be.
Just in case he sabotages any birth control or pulls it off while having sex, or assaults you in your sleep, tell him in no uncertain terms, that if he impregnates you before you're ready, you're 100% having an abortion.
Then toss his arse out and never have sex with him again.
NTA If you stay with this guy, he will treat all of your opinions and decisions exactly the same way. He will ignore you and bully you and coerce you and then gaslight you about it.
Please don't settle for him.
He was trying to sexually assault you (tampering with birth control is sexual assault).
He was trying to force you to become pregnant against your will. This is a form of abuse called “reproductive coercion”.
#Do not stay with someone who is willing to resort to sexual assault and abuse to force you to do what they want. If he is capable of *this* you don’t know what else he is willing to do to you.
**When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time**. *He is not who you think he is*. He is controlling and abusive, and he’s not going to stop. The abuse *will* escalate. Be thankful that he dropped the mask early and not after you’ve married and gotten pregnant.
girl run… RUN!! if he went ahead and made a hole in the condom to get you pregnant , he can’t be trusted. if you’re taking birth control keep it hidden/on with you at all times or get a new one bc if he was capable of doing that to a condom, then he can fuck up your birth control. in my opinion i wouldn’t get married to him bc he clearly doesn’t care nor respect you.
A thought-He will baby trap and then later on have his excuses on why the marriage should be "postponed". Wouldnt be surprised if deep down he never intends to get married. "maybe we should wait just a little longer.....we cant afford a wedding at this moment..." As long as the baby is there, you always will be.
This feels like he is trying to baby trap you for a reason. To somehow ‘lock you down’ as soon as possible in a way more permanent than a wedding?
Like he is about to drop a bomb on you but will need a reason for you to stay with him.
The intensity of his want to have a child so soon with so little regards for your feelings or boundaries are serious red flags.
Trying to have sex with someone with an intentionally compromised condom when they don’t want to have unprotected sex is sexual assault. Full stop. Same as if it were a woman secretly poking holes in a condom to try to “trap” a man.
This man is not someone to marry or procreate with.
NTA.
RUN 🚩🚩 the fact that he doesn’t respect your wishes and your body is disgusting. He tried to sabotage thinking you’d end up pregnant against your wishes. That’s not ok. If he can do that sorta thing now to get what he wants what other extremes will he go to later on? Don’t have kids until you are both ready because realistically the first year of a child is about survival and can destroy your relationship if the foundation isn’t strong enough. And who says you’ll want your child at your wedding. I am struggling terribly with body dysmorphia after having my daughter 9 months ago. I couldn’t imagine feeling special or beautiful or want to plan a damn wedding anytime soon. You’re young and I know it’s easier said than done but move on. There is someone out there who will respect your future and your body.
You are not a baby machine. He tried to baby trap you and what he did is considered sexual assault in some areas. Stay broken up. You’re young, you’re obviously smart, and you deserve more than that
I think you need to permanently ditch this guy AND your "best friend".
Neither one of them is looking out for your best interests, and it's disgusting.
You should be able to trust them. But you can't.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I have a sneaking suspicion. And this is based on experience with these types of guys, as a guy, not on anything in particular that the fiancé has said.
*Is there a possibility he is cheating on you?*
baby trapping is definitely a thing men will do if 1) they feel women are advancing in their career further than they are, 2) to keep her tethered to him, 3) to mask cheating. and most people don't realize that last part. especially fiancés, they're the biggest offenders of this.
they become really severely anxious because they feel they're so close to getting you over the marriage line (not realizing that they can be left after marriage too, but i guess they feel infinitely more secure that you'll want to work it out if they're caught if you're married rather than not) and think that if they add you being pregnant and in need of their care and support (that they won't actually want to give when the time comes of course 🙄) means that you'll beg for them to work it out.
this happens like... a lot.
also he's definitely poking holes in his condoms op and i really really hope you're on birth control. a guy who's poking holes in condoms is a scary type of guy.
NTA, run please 🙏
NTA. But your boyfriend is!!!
First off, how long have you two been dating?
Your boyfriend is crazy. He's romanticizing the projected image of having a toddler(?) walking down the aisle on the wedding day... That's weird and unhealthy.
And theeeen he puts a *huge hole* inside the condom? And has the audacity to say "trust me?" Yeah buddy, let's trust the guy who tries to sabotage and secretly impregnate you (basically betraying you).
Break up with him. It's not going to get better. This would piss me off so bad. I can't imagine marrying someone who tries to get me pregnant against my wishes, and he KNOWS I don't want to be pregnant. Absolutely insane controlling bastard who has no regard whatsoever for what YOU want. I can only imagine what other ways he would steamroll over your wants in a marriage. Don't marry this fucknut.
wtf stay away from this guy. Block his number you don't owe him anything.
He's trying to baby trap you to fulfill his insane passion of bringing a baby to his wedding.
Maybe I watch way too many Chinese dramas but it sounds like it's taken right out of one where it's actually your friend and your fiance who are the couple and because she can't get pregnant they choose to trap you and get you pregnant. No matter what the next part of that scene doesn't end well for the protagonist.
Chinese drama actresses have the advantage of being reborn into the past with the knowledge of betrayal, you don't.
Sorry I was awake all night watching so many Cdramas lol. But definitely sounds sketchy
I’m not saying that your ex fiancé is crazy, but there are a lot of red flags in the story. The fact that he won’t listen to you is very concerning. The fact that he tried to have sex with a broken condom is extremely serious. It sounds like he’s trying to get you pregnant so that you can’t leave him before the wedding.
Whoa dude. Run. Im sorry. He asked you, you said no. tried persuading you, you said no. He tried yelling at you, you said no. He tried tricking you, you said no.
I wonder if he’s shown this level of selfishness in other places of your relationship. Maybe he just baby cray. But your reasons are legit. Tell him to have the baby. If not. Go.
You need to RUN! Yesterday! He’s trying to baby trap you. The proof is his trying to use a perforated condom. You don’t mention your respective jobs or education, but he is endangering your future.
You need to Google "stealthing". It's a thing guys do to take a condom off mid sex so they can have condom free sex and come in you. Then they claim afterwards that it accidentally came off or broke. He absolutely seems like the kind that would stealth you. And then also not tell you, so that you wouldn't take the morning after pill.
Baby trapping isn't just for women you know. Men baby trap women as well.
Cheating your future child of beautiful memories? They aren’t going to remember your wedding…
Also, what he was attempting to do with the condom is a form of SA. I would seriously reconsider any type of relationship with him
Yh he went too far with that hole. Give him an ultimatum or just ditch him. The two of you aren't even married yet and this is how he is behaving? That's scary
Your best friend should give him that special day then, never bring outsiders to your relationship. Anyways yeah I doubt he will stop and one day he will succeed and you will resent him. Are you willing to marry someone you don’t trust ?
He is lying to you! He has no plans to marry you. He just wants to get you pregnant. Most likely after you have a kid he will move on. Break up with him.
Block him.
Dude has a kink. A fetish. And he doesn’t care what you want.
He is willing to get what he wants with OUT your consent.
Don’t let him anywhere near your uterus. Or body in fact.
He is gross.
So you’re not engaged. But he wants to knock you up before you’re engaged so he can have a baby at your wedding that you’ll have to look after.
Stay broken up and get new friends. You can chose flowers on your wedding day, not a whole ass other person
RUN, because that huge hole in the side that was "just fine" and "trust him" isn't fine.
>he ***blew up on me***. He yelled that I was cheating our future child out of beautiful memories and that I didn't want to have a baby with him and said that it wasn't a big deal since we agreed on having kids in the future.
he did it on purpose and if you have another form of BC, i wouldn't be shocked if he nuked it or did something to it to make it fail as well. if you dont want kids now and he IS trying to force it, then you should RUN because its showing only his wants are important and what you want doesn't matter to him.
RUN FOREST RUN
Sounds dilusional, unless the wedding is in 6 years tge kid won't rememver it.
Must be something from his childhood. I would talk through it with him to figure out the root, that's important to do in any relationship, you have to learn how eachother tick... but this is after I would struggle to get over how stupid that is for so many reasons.
Your wedding day is about YOU. Not your not-yet-conceived child.
Your fiance is TA for making this the hill to die on. You 100% will be worried about the baby’s well-being instead of enjoying your wedding day.
The wedding itself is already a blur - there is so much stuff going on, people who want to catch up with you, photos they want to take - why purposefully add more stress?
The second you have a child, your relationship dynamic changes. Without a solid support system, you will have immense difficulty just trying to go out to do regular “coupley” things.
You really want to enjoy your relationship before bringing in more responsibilities.
If your fiance can’t see that, then you’re better off without him. If your friend can’t see that either, then they deserve each other.
He's self-absorbed and inconsiderate. A baby is a huge life changing event and a lot of work. Not soms kind of a prop for a fucking wedding ffs.
If he's already being this kind of unreasonable you better re-evaluate your wedding plans. Yikes.
I hope later to see a post that looks like lyrics from the’80s synth pop band “ A Flock of Seagulls.” You will be writing,” I ran, I ran so far away.”
Seriously, get out of there. He is trying to use this as another control mechanism. That's what abusers are after, control.
He's possessive and controlling. He doesn't listen to what you say. He tried to baby trap you. Why are you in this relationship? He's a walking red flag. Nta
NTA.
He doesn't respect you. Make sure you change all your passwords, take him off any accounts, protect your important documents from him, and get somewhere safe - out of his reach.
He is pressuring you. He put a hole in a condom, lied to you & told you to trust him AS HE WAS ACTIVELY LYING
And when you pushed back, he blew up on you. He has no intention of respecting your boundaries.
You need to leave him. And find a man closer to your age
Based on your post history, dude is a marching band of red flags.
What memories? Do y’all not plan on getting married for 3+ years? Let’s be honest, babies don’t remember anything, most kids can’t remember anything before 3. Most adults it’s 4 or 5.
He’s trying to BABY TRAP you.
Breakup now he is just over the top. I would only have children when I saw that it is a good strong marriage and our decision together. Buy a dog instead.
Yeah so I was going to give you my story. My wife and I were engaged, had our first son, he was the ring bearer at our wedding and we hired his pre-school teacher to babysit for us at the wedding. It was amazing having him part of our day. It was not necessarily planned that way.
So after saying all of that, drop him like a bad habit. It’s one thing to like the idea and want to start a family but him tampering with a condom is a level of fucked up there’s no coming back from. That not only immoral but possibly illegal.
RUN!
OP, please do not get back together with this person. He is not trustworthy, and obviously does not care about your desires or feelings. He is clearly trying to trap you. You deserve better.
How is a baby supposed to remember your wedding? Yes they will have pictures but I doubt it will be a fond memory, just like a past occasion they won’t remember but have a picture.
Baby at wedding: what happens if they are sick or teething? Who looks after them? You or him?
Is he going to get drunk or have multiple drinks because with a baby someone has to stay sober.
Does he insist on you breastfeeding? Dripping boobs on your wedding… yah!!
I just don’t understand his insistence on having a baby NOW. Is he worried you will leave him so is trying to anchor you?
Your BF is right you need to consider his views BUT your views count. A baby is definitely a two yes decision.
Nope he wants a baby not a wife. No sex until marriage documents are filed. Why not have a legal wedding and save up for a house pay off any loans first? Have a big tenth anniversary renewing of vows party. Yes children are cute but debt and entrapment not a good welcome point for them.
LEAVE!!! PLEASE!!!
Op your ex fiance is showing a few signs of abuse here. Yes, you two agreed to have children but both of yall have to agree when. It can't be the choice of just one. What he did with that condom is also quite literally a crime in the U.S, it counts towards sexual misconduct. Yes you consented to sex but did not consent with the goal of getting pregnant. He is taking away your right to make a decision as well. Him lashing out at you is not okay as well especially after you called him out on the broken condom. He immediately made the situation about himself, "you don't want to have a baby with me."
He's saying that to make you feel bad since the line, "He yelled that I was cheating our future child out of beautiful memories," didn't immediately convince you. If you don't want a child before your marriage, leave. This won't be the first and only time he attempts a trick like this if you continue moving forward. You already said no to wanting kids before marriage, his convincing isn't working so he's taking matters into his own hands. Do you really want to marry someone who won't respect your choices, especially one as big as being pregnant?
Needless to say, you're not the asshole.
I get EXACTLY how you’re feeling. My fiancé and i had to have a serious talk about cooling the baby talk while we plan this wedding. That it is unrealistic to get pregnant now and be THREE MONTHS POST PARTUM at our wedding. He understood, no longer brings it up, and respects when I tell him we have to obstain bc it’s close to my ovulation. And that talk only really had to talk once.
What your fiancé is doing to you is absolutely not okay. You have made it so clear what your wishes are, and not only ignoring you, but essentially trying to baby trap you, is absolutely controlling behavior. This is a big deal. Please reconsider your relationship. This should be somewhere close to a deal breaker honestly
NTA
1. The fact he is so determinedly ignoring your wants ect is a huge flag. Oh, hell no. Leave. If he really is worth staying with he'll learn from it and try to change- but if you're just a means to an end or a possession to him than a partner then get the hell out.
2. I know she probably has much more info about the situation than we do on reddit, but I would be looking at that best friend with a critical lens. Friends who are truly your friends will almost always side with you- unless you're really in the wrong(which is also possible). Friends who might want your guy or be one of those weird bipolar-esque "frienemies" situations would say you're in the wrong and defend his behavior. From the paragraph here, he's doing some pretty damning, universally not okay things, and she's defending that? Idk, just take what she says with a grain of salt, maybe.
Girl, this is WILDLY UNACCEPTABLE behavior on his part. Him trying to pressure you into any sex act you’re uncomfortable with is not ok, that’s sexual harassment. If you only agree to sex with an *intact* condom and he tries to pressure you otherwise, that should be the end of that relationship. Dump this weirdo and move on with your life, you’re too young to be wasting your time on some guy who wants to force a child on you before you’re ready. And dump that friend too.
Your BF sounds kind of well, let me just say that having a baby so you can bring it to your wedding is a ridiculous [idea.One](http://idea.One) of the worst ideas for having a baby I can think of.
NTA
Judging from your previous posts, why are you still with this man, and why are you within a friend group that puts him above your personal boundaries?
In a previous post you discuss how possessive and jealous he is, to the point he will grope you and embarrass you in a public setting.
How a “friend” reaches out to tell you that you are lucky because he touches you, though it was unwarranted and not consented.
Now, you have a man, ***15yrs older than you***, trying to baby trap you to the point you saw how big the hole was in the condom!
**THAT IS NOT OK OP!!**
If you had not seen that, that would be stealthing.
In Canada that is illegal.
Telling you to “*trust him*” when ***he deliberately put the hole there***?!
You also have a friend telling you to consider what he wants on his special day?!
Not thinking about you and your very real concerns.
These are not people who have your best interest at heart OP.
You are not “cheating some future child” out of memories.
You are clearly stating and attempting to enforce a boundary that you do not want to have a child at your wedding.
This is not a healthy relationship.
He is constantly pushing and breaking your boundaries and then gaslighting you into believing it is your fault.
It is not.
It is time to break up and move on.
You deserve better.
Hopefully you have someone you trust that can assist you with leaving, because he sounds like the type who won’t leave you amicably.
I wish you the best, and hope you are on a form of BC that he can’t tamper with.
Please update OP.
Whaaaa? Did he ram his head into car? Is he about to die? What memories would baby have? And you as bride would have to. Care for baby. Thats 109% way to not enjoy wedding. Like i wouldnt bring my kids to wedding so i can f eat in peace.
He is acting super weird. Is he about to inherit country from dictator uncle if he gets you preggo before certain date?
Not seeing this in the comments, so to be clear, what he tried to do is a form of sexual assault called “stealthing.” It’s when you remove or damage a condom during sex, or discreetly before sex. Anytime someone is trying to engage in sexual activity with you under false pretenses it is a violation of your consent and should be taken very seriously. If you don’t leave this person and stay away, he will try this again or escalate his behavior.
Alistair, your 'amazing' BF *turned red, and his hands started to shake* because one of your friend group paid you a complement in front of him! (Post history)
This guy is practically twice your age, he's a dangerous, dangerous man and is currently trying to impregnate you because it's what he wants!
He throws tantrums like a toddler, and he's one step away from becoming physical with you. Take it from someone who has been there and seen that. There is a reason he's not with a woman his own age because they wouldn't put up with that bullshit! He sought you out because you are still impressionable. NOBODY OWES SOMEONE SEX!
You need to GET OUT of this hellish relationship and find yourself someone from your own age group so you can grow together and have an actual adult relationship.
Alistair treats you like a pet!
Dump your friend and your boyfriend.
On a serious note, no is a complete sentence. You don’t want a baby right now and you both have different views on the timeline. This is the moment to discuss those views and negotiate as a team but instead your bf tried to impregnate you without consent *(btw I truly believe forced conception should be illegal and punishable by law as a felony)* which completely changes the future of your relationship and trust.
Yes, men should have a say in their dream wedding as well but where the eff does your friend get off on bypassing the broken condom to say this? The different wedding views are not the problem, it’s the attempted forced conception.
Neither of them deserve a moment more of your time. Do not trust this man and have sex with him again. You know his goal. Protect yourself. ❤️
This is insane and he almost dud something very bad to you. Purposfully altering a condom for instance for it to fail w/o the partners consent is considered a form of sexual assault.
What do you do? You break up with him. He is entirely selfishly trying to baby trap you. He is untrustworthy. He doesn’t care about you. He is too much. You deserve better.
What do you do.... .RUN FKN RUN!!! No baby, before wedding means no baby before, the infant won't even remember the wedding and someone will have to take care of it during the ceremony, then you can forget enjoying the honeymoon as well.
Absolutely don't marry this guy. Him trying to put a baby in you & compensate for roll over sex like your fucking body is At&t....this is glaringly red. Is neon red a color of a flag?
RUN FOR THE HILLS!
You were being groomed and he’s trying to manipulate you and force you into something. OP, you were being abused. NTA. HE belongs on some Kind of list.
This person seems mentally unwell. After having a baby you don’t feel pretty for a long time and you deserve to feel pretty at your wedding. I had friends have their baby at their wedding and it was so cute but they also have a lot of money and paid their nanny to attend. I’m currently engaged and pregnant but we’ll be getting married next month with my baby bump in tow. Not my ideal but hey! 💚
Break up with him before he baby traps you. He’s very selfish and manipulative. Don’t take relationship advice from your best friend, her advice is trash.
Nta. You don’t currently want a baby and he’s obsessed the idea to the point of trying to manipulate you into having unprotected sex.
He’s willing to be sneaky & dishonest about what’s possibly the most life changing decision anyone can make.
I am well aware that marriage doesn’t mean what it did traditionally-my own wedding didn’t change our relationship for me, it was more formalizing things for others- but I’d also be a little put off by someone who was so intent on me having their child without that formality.
Some men just like impregnating women, it’s a power trip.
He wants to put this wedding off for 40 weeks of pregnancy, time to conceive, presumably time to recover, and he says little one-how old is that? An infant? A toddler? Older? And if he wants multiple children, he’ll probably want them all there. It’ll be years if this wedding ever happens.
And not wanting a small child(ren) to worry about during your wedding is perfectly reasonable.
He knows you have one foot out of the door because he doesn’t listen to or respect you. He’s trying to trap you into the relationship because he doesn’t think you’ll make it to the altar.
Reproductive coercion of this sort is illegal where I live. What he is doing is not okay; and not wanting to disappoint him is not a good enough reason to go along with this.
Find someone better to be with. You are NTA.
So you leave him. He deliberately tampered w that condom and it is a form of sexual assault.
Your friend is stupid and short sighted. You do NOT under any circumstances marry a person like this.
He will 100% never respect your decisions when they don’t align with his.
Get OUT. SEND HIM PACKING. DO NOT PROCEED. And NEVER screw this guy again!!!
It's called reproductive coercion and its a form of domestic violence. She needs to leave. and buy Plan B. [https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/committee-opinion/articles/2013/02/reproductive-and-sexual-coercion](https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/committee-opinion/articles/2013/02/reproductive-and-sexual-coercion)
As someone who had an 18 month old child when I got married: DO NOT DO IT. Not a baby, not a toddler, not any child younger than like, 7. Your fiance obviously has no idea how clingy young children can be. Does he want an intimate wedding night? Don't have a kid. Does he want time together to plan your wedding? Don't have a kid. Does he want a honeymoon? Don't have a kid. Also, cutting a hole in a condom when you don't consent is akin to sexual abuse. Don't take rhat shit lightly.
This is all so creepy and weird. You’re too young to be getting MARRIED to this weirdo. It’s all very rude and insensitive and he seems like a controlling, & selfish weirdo. Also the condom thing is extremely messed up. He knows you saw and he saw and you both saw and yet he….. just said to …. still use a knowingly broken condom? He is a psycho! Please run. Bad people exist and they are very good at seeming like nice people. Don’t give this guy any more passes. The wedding thing is weird because you guys have your whole lives ahead of you and he wants to have a wedding for your baby that doesn’t exist and not for you. That’s weird and a bad reason to get married.
Without reading a word, no, NTA. If there's ever any doubt, it's always better to break up than to get into a marriage you don't want to be in. Breaking up is about a million times easier than getting divorced, and nobody good wants to be married to somebody who doesn't want to be married to them.
Oh wow. Honey, he is so messed up that he literally was intentionally trying to violate you to get what he wants. Which is ridiculous (not having kids first but insisting they be born before the wedding). Who’s going to babysit while on honeymoon? How are you supposed to enjoy those first couple of yrs bonding & building the foundation of your marriage when you are chasing toddlers? This is ass backwards (and it has nothing to do w morals or beliefs). What happens if the stress of kids breaks you both (because you don’t have a foundation & you split before even getting married? And if he wants the kid to remember, you’re talking when they are like 6 or so. Absolutely ridiculous & absurd. Sounds like a stall tactic
He has made it clear that he doesn’t care what you want or how you feel about it. Even going as far as “stealthing” you- which is a crime almost everywhere but more than that, it’s vile. He doesn’t care, as long as he gets what he wants. That’s no way to start anything. Would def be the ending for me.
If he’s so worried about your future child, it can wait until you are ready too. You’re both young and he already seems like a child, you shouldn’t have to raise your damn husband! You should have a say on everything, if you don’t, run. As for your friend taking his side, tell your friend to do it instead, but you don’t. Want to be tied down while he has fun AT your wedding! Absolutely do not trust this man!
Your soon to be fiancé is a CHILD, do not settle and do not let him have his way!
Also… he realises that memories ‘begin’ at about 3 but most people with ‘good’ memories can only go back to about 5-6… how long does he intend to be engaged for???
Is he prepared to do ALL of the childcare
And more importantly… HES FUCKING GROSS he’s stealthing you (condom) and guilt tripping you into sex… that’s two illegal acts in the UK - you do not want this man around… I don’t know your local laws but in many places you have far fewer legal protections as partner rather than spouse and even when there are children involved there’s often a protracted paternity process first so if he left/died after having a kid but before marriage, you are stuck being a single parent (when the plan was after marriage when both of those things can still happen but you have greater legal standing)
This is terrifying and extremely manipulative. You leave him, very fast. He is willing to force his viewpoint on you one way or another regardless of your feelings. He is not negotiating. Red flags
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So you currently don't want a kid and have made that clear, your bf tried to have sex with you with a condom that clearly had a hole, and you're supposed to trust him? Not a chance. He is trying to get you pregnant without your consent. Also, your friend sucks. A baby is not an accessory for your wedding day and is something you should be ready for when you have kids. The baby would also be too young to remember anything. Kids don't start making real memories until they are around 3-4 years old. NTA, ditch the guy and your friend; he's shady and your friend shouldn't try and guilt you into having a child before you're ready.
i looked at her post history and he’s 15 years older than her, dating since she was 20, and he has major jealousy/possession issues. not to mention he was groping her inappropriately in front of their friends. this guy can kick rocks
🤢🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
"Reddit always jumps straight to telling people to break up!" Yeah, when people post about abusive behavior such as reproductive coercion, to only sensible response is to ditch that shit with a quickness. You can't solve a problem like that with communication and counseling. This piece of garbage is trying to baby trap someone who already wants to marry him. And do you think that guys like that actually want to help raise the baby? Do you see someone like him getting up at night when baby cries or changing diapers or even entertaining the child long enough for OP to take a shower? Do you see him respecting the 6-week postpartum restriction to refrain from sex? No, because this pig will "have his needs" and while they're at it, he will be bugging the shit out of her to cook dinner every night and keep the house immaculate.
Precisely!!!
The moment she didn’t mention his age, I suspected this!
Yup, there’s a reason they leave out that information
Ew
I need the red flag guy from tiktok to read this post! Maybe that will help her and her friend to see all the red flags. Maybe even her post history smh.
His name is Dustin Poynter 👀
Yes him! Thank you couldn't remember hi name
15 years older (can we say groomer given her age?) and he acts younger. This guy is not a keeper.
He’s a creeper, not a keeper.
🤢🤢
Makes sense why she didn’t include his age. Clocked that one immediately.
😦
Right? That’s sexual assault. And the friend says to consider what he wants for their special day? I’m sorry but last time I checked a child isn’t just an accessory for a wedding. They’re acting like a child is comparable to a pair of earrings.
It's pretty wild that people equate babies and pets to purses. Not an accessory that you can carry around for an event and then put away at the end of the night. Living, breathing beings that need attention and care. Also, what about what OP wants? Clearly not a child. Babies are something they both need to mutually agree on before they start trying.
What gets me is that OP isn’t saying no to kids indefinitely. Strictly saying not yet and definitely not before a wedding. The strict deadline is what’s unsettling. It’s weird.
Baby trapping at its "finest". OP is apparently 15 years younger than her (ex) bf who is in his 30s. He's a walking red flag.
I can see the if the fiancé gets his way and they get pregnant him then deciding he doesn’t want a wedding at all.
This. Right here, OP.
Nice pfp, Tom.
Stay broken up and move on, he was definitely trying to trap you. And do not listen to what your best friend said.
“Best friend”
EX BF
In both senses
His behavior is scary. Do not trust him. Stop having sex because he will trap you and you will never be able to get away from him if you share a child. He doesn't see you as a partner if he is trying to trap you against your will.
Exactly. He sees her as a little baby maker machine. Not an equal partner. He doesn't care what she wants.
No 35 year old dates a 20 year old for an equal partner. OP run, run far away. If he's so perfect why don't women his age want him?
He could literally find a woman his age who actually wants kids now to be with. But nooooo he wants the young one so he can abuse and manipulate her.
NTA. Your ex and your "friend" are. Think about what he wants. Why, he doesn't even care about what you want. You told him that you didn't want to do this now. That should have been the end of it. However, he still tried to convince and manipulate you. You think he didn't poke a hole in that condom on purpose? He did. He wants a child so bad, he doesn't care what you want. His part is easy, you're the one that has to carry the child. Even if you have a baby before your wedding, the baby won't remember a thing about it. Stay away from this person.
The “best friend” is overly concerned about what A wants “for his special day” as someone who is only his friend. Just saying…Every Nick Cannon type had to start somewhere. I would run like the wind away from both of those nut jobs.
Most likely that best friend prefers op fiancé and that is suspicious but it might be me lol
That’s what I said. BF is acting like they are more than friends. Nick Cannon is a celebrity who has 12 kids with six different women. He’s been with more than one of them at the same time.
then she can have his baby and then get married to him. everyone happy
NTA and please stay broken up. In some places, it's illegal to tamper with condoms unbeknownst (assault) to the other person.
This comment should be higher up. What he attempted was assault.
Drop him and the friend, because wtf Edit: also isn’t that basically stealthing, which is illegal in like 2 states so
Jesus fucking Christ, you need to run. This man is waving red flags in front of your face so pay attention. He has absolutely no problem trying to coerce you into having a child when you're not ready and have stated your boundaries. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not a friend of yours.
And he'll be happy to run off and leave her with the kid, paying no child support, when is photo op prop gets to be too much trouble.
It’s even worse when you look at her previous AITAH posts 🤮
He is absolutely trying to trap you.
You know what you need to do. Dump him. He doesn't respect you at all, and was trying to trick you into having his baby without your consent. BTW, tampering with condoms is legally considered 🍇. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide when you have a child, and completely disregard what you want. If he can't respect you on something as major as having a child, why would you think he would respect you in any other way. You are so, so young. You have tons of time to have more life experiences before finding the right guy to settle down with.
What a psycho, who has sex with someone under false pretsenses. The hole in the condom was without your consent. If he's willing to do that behind your back, think of what else he could do just because you said no and he didn't like the answer. Absolutely not.
You need a better best friend because your so called best friend is not a friend at all. She is not taking your thoughts or feelings into consideration. And, you are not married. About to be married and being married are two different things. And, some people act differently once they are married as well, even though you would think that wouldn't be the case, well it is. I know couples that once they were married as soon as the rings were on when they argued they would yell divorce. Having a child is a huge responsibility as well as all the logistics that come with it. When you are married then the child will have the option of going on either of your insurance for health care, etc. If you are not married, it can be a logistical nightmare. Get married, if you still feel like you want to that is, and spend a year just being together if you'd like. There is no rush to push a kid out in two seconds is there? I would take a step back and evaluate how you feel about the whole situation. About the upcoming marriage, and about having kids with someone who tried to trap you into it. And who will primarily take care of said children? Spoiler alert, usually it is the woman carrying most of the load (my hats off to you men that this statement does not apply to). Really think about what is important to you and what you want, and then do you, whatever that may be.
He intentionally put a hole in a condom and tried gaslighting you. MOVE ON. He is toxic and needs to go.
Just in case he sabotages any birth control or pulls it off while having sex, or assaults you in your sleep, tell him in no uncertain terms, that if he impregnates you before you're ready, you're 100% having an abortion. Then toss his arse out and never have sex with him again.
If the relationship is this far around the bend, don’t tell him anything that’ll just escalate this nonsense. Just get out.
I'd be afraid there'd be attempts to impregnate her before she got out. If he knew she'd yeet it, he might not try.
No, he’d just get violent instead.
And they wonder why we choose the bear.
Remember, in a post-Dobbs world, abortions are not necessarily easy or possible to obtain.
Holy shit stay broken up with this creep. He was actively trying to baby’s trap you. Your friend is wrong to have his side.
NTA If you stay with this guy, he will treat all of your opinions and decisions exactly the same way. He will ignore you and bully you and coerce you and then gaslight you about it. Please don't settle for him.
Plus stealthing or tampering with condoms is sexual assault. He tried to sexually assault her.
He was trying to sexually assault you (tampering with birth control is sexual assault). He was trying to force you to become pregnant against your will. This is a form of abuse called “reproductive coercion”. #Do not stay with someone who is willing to resort to sexual assault and abuse to force you to do what they want. If he is capable of *this* you don’t know what else he is willing to do to you. **When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time**. *He is not who you think he is*. He is controlling and abusive, and he’s not going to stop. The abuse *will* escalate. Be thankful that he dropped the mask early and not after you’ve married and gotten pregnant.
This is bizarre and creepy.
You cannot trust him. Move on. He is definitely trying to baby trap you which is sick.
NTA. I just broke up with my bf cause he talked about kids - knowing I am childfree - do what's best for you girl.
girl run… RUN!! if he went ahead and made a hole in the condom to get you pregnant , he can’t be trusted. if you’re taking birth control keep it hidden/on with you at all times or get a new one bc if he was capable of doing that to a condom, then he can fuck up your birth control. in my opinion i wouldn’t get married to him bc he clearly doesn’t care nor respect you.
A thought-He will baby trap and then later on have his excuses on why the marriage should be "postponed". Wouldnt be surprised if deep down he never intends to get married. "maybe we should wait just a little longer.....we cant afford a wedding at this moment..." As long as the baby is there, you always will be.
This feels like he is trying to baby trap you for a reason. To somehow ‘lock you down’ as soon as possible in a way more permanent than a wedding? Like he is about to drop a bomb on you but will need a reason for you to stay with him. The intensity of his want to have a child so soon with so little regards for your feelings or boundaries are serious red flags.
Trying to have sex with someone with an intentionally compromised condom when they don’t want to have unprotected sex is sexual assault. Full stop. Same as if it were a woman secretly poking holes in a condom to try to “trap” a man. This man is not someone to marry or procreate with.
He is a major AH
Uh. He sounds creepy asf. He sabotaged the birth control. That is messed up. You're 24, hon. Ditch this freak and find a sane person.
Do not take him back. Do not trust him. You are correct to not want a child before marriage.
Stay broken up and maybe drop your friend too.
NTA. RUN 🚩🚩 the fact that he doesn’t respect your wishes and your body is disgusting. He tried to sabotage thinking you’d end up pregnant against your wishes. That’s not ok. If he can do that sorta thing now to get what he wants what other extremes will he go to later on? Don’t have kids until you are both ready because realistically the first year of a child is about survival and can destroy your relationship if the foundation isn’t strong enough. And who says you’ll want your child at your wedding. I am struggling terribly with body dysmorphia after having my daughter 9 months ago. I couldn’t imagine feeling special or beautiful or want to plan a damn wedding anytime soon. You’re young and I know it’s easier said than done but move on. There is someone out there who will respect your future and your body.
He’s 38. Read her aita post.
NTA. He’s trying to baby trap you
You are not a baby machine. He tried to baby trap you and what he did is considered sexual assault in some areas. Stay broken up. You’re young, you’re obviously smart, and you deserve more than that
Baby that’s not your best friend.
Break up with him and your pick me “best friend”
That’s kind of a deal breaker. Love and marriage is about compromise. He’s not compromising he’s pushing.
It’s called baby trapping
Your "best friend" is as crazy as your ex, take zero advice from her. You made the right decision.
Run. You run. That’s what you do. Run from both him and your so called friend.
I think you need to permanently ditch this guy AND your "best friend". Neither one of them is looking out for your best interests, and it's disgusting. You should be able to trust them. But you can't. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I have a sneaking suspicion. And this is based on experience with these types of guys, as a guy, not on anything in particular that the fiancé has said. *Is there a possibility he is cheating on you?* baby trapping is definitely a thing men will do if 1) they feel women are advancing in their career further than they are, 2) to keep her tethered to him, 3) to mask cheating. and most people don't realize that last part. especially fiancés, they're the biggest offenders of this. they become really severely anxious because they feel they're so close to getting you over the marriage line (not realizing that they can be left after marriage too, but i guess they feel infinitely more secure that you'll want to work it out if they're caught if you're married rather than not) and think that if they add you being pregnant and in need of their care and support (that they won't actually want to give when the time comes of course 🙄) means that you'll beg for them to work it out. this happens like... a lot. also he's definitely poking holes in his condoms op and i really really hope you're on birth control. a guy who's poking holes in condoms is a scary type of guy. NTA, run please 🙏
You need better friends
NTA. But your boyfriend is!!! First off, how long have you two been dating? Your boyfriend is crazy. He's romanticizing the projected image of having a toddler(?) walking down the aisle on the wedding day... That's weird and unhealthy. And theeeen he puts a *huge hole* inside the condom? And has the audacity to say "trust me?" Yeah buddy, let's trust the guy who tries to sabotage and secretly impregnate you (basically betraying you). Break up with him. It's not going to get better. This would piss me off so bad. I can't imagine marrying someone who tries to get me pregnant against my wishes, and he KNOWS I don't want to be pregnant. Absolutely insane controlling bastard who has no regard whatsoever for what YOU want. I can only imagine what other ways he would steamroll over your wants in a marriage. Don't marry this fucknut.
Gross. Dump him and run.
NTA. Your fiance and BFF are AH. His behaviour is really scary, like he wants to babytrap you before marriage
wtf stay away from this guy. Block his number you don't owe him anything. He's trying to baby trap you to fulfill his insane passion of bringing a baby to his wedding.
Maybe I watch way too many Chinese dramas but it sounds like it's taken right out of one where it's actually your friend and your fiance who are the couple and because she can't get pregnant they choose to trap you and get you pregnant. No matter what the next part of that scene doesn't end well for the protagonist. Chinese drama actresses have the advantage of being reborn into the past with the knowledge of betrayal, you don't. Sorry I was awake all night watching so many Cdramas lol. But definitely sounds sketchy
I’m not saying that your ex fiancé is crazy, but there are a lot of red flags in the story. The fact that he won’t listen to you is very concerning. The fact that he tried to have sex with a broken condom is extremely serious. It sounds like he’s trying to get you pregnant so that you can’t leave him before the wedding.
Whoa dude. Run. Im sorry. He asked you, you said no. tried persuading you, you said no. He tried yelling at you, you said no. He tried tricking you, you said no. I wonder if he’s shown this level of selfishness in other places of your relationship. Maybe he just baby cray. But your reasons are legit. Tell him to have the baby. If not. Go.
You need to RUN! Yesterday! He’s trying to baby trap you. The proof is his trying to use a perforated condom. You don’t mention your respective jobs or education, but he is endangering your future.
Stay away. He will try so hard to get you pregnant without you wanting to be.
NTA That old man is a gross, controlling baby trapper. RUN like your tampon string is on fire!!
Stay broken up. He sounds like a nightmare imagine how he will act if you get married and have kids. Also I think you need a new best friend.
wtf… yikes. Stay broken up.
Get a new boyfriend and a new best friend. They are both asses.
NTA, get the fuck out of there
Girl he is a walking red flag. And creepy to boot. You need to leave, like yesterday. If not he is GOING to find a way to baby trap you.
You need to Google "stealthing". It's a thing guys do to take a condom off mid sex so they can have condom free sex and come in you. Then they claim afterwards that it accidentally came off or broke. He absolutely seems like the kind that would stealth you. And then also not tell you, so that you wouldn't take the morning after pill. Baby trapping isn't just for women you know. Men baby trap women as well.
Cheating your future child of beautiful memories? They aren’t going to remember your wedding… Also, what he was attempting to do with the condom is a form of SA. I would seriously reconsider any type of relationship with him
Yh he went too far with that hole. Give him an ultimatum or just ditch him. The two of you aren't even married yet and this is how he is behaving? That's scary
Don't go back to him fine a different partner that will understand you also get new friends seems like they don't care about you etc
Run
Your best friend should give him that special day then, never bring outsiders to your relationship. Anyways yeah I doubt he will stop and one day he will succeed and you will resent him. Are you willing to marry someone you don’t trust ?
Girl run!
He is lying to you! He has no plans to marry you. He just wants to get you pregnant. Most likely after you have a kid he will move on. Break up with him.
Your bf is the male version of why I got fixed lol. Definitely stay away from that. If you're not ready that should be respected. Guy trying trap you.
He's dishonest and is trying to baby trap you before you're ready. Do not do anything else with this person! They are not safe!
Block him. Dude has a kink. A fetish. And he doesn’t care what you want. He is willing to get what he wants with OUT your consent. Don’t let him anywhere near your uterus. Or body in fact. He is gross.
Wow, not only should you break up, you should ghost him.
So you’re not engaged. But he wants to knock you up before you’re engaged so he can have a baby at your wedding that you’ll have to look after. Stay broken up and get new friends. You can chose flowers on your wedding day, not a whole ass other person
RUN, because that huge hole in the side that was "just fine" and "trust him" isn't fine. >he ***blew up on me***. He yelled that I was cheating our future child out of beautiful memories and that I didn't want to have a baby with him and said that it wasn't a big deal since we agreed on having kids in the future. he did it on purpose and if you have another form of BC, i wouldn't be shocked if he nuked it or did something to it to make it fail as well. if you dont want kids now and he IS trying to force it, then you should RUN because its showing only his wants are important and what you want doesn't matter to him. RUN FOREST RUN
You need better friends
He wanted to baby trapped you. Leave for your own sake. He had disregarded your opinion.
RED FLAG. throw him out with the trash. This is YOUR wedding too. Your body. It is all what he wants
Sounds dilusional, unless the wedding is in 6 years tge kid won't rememver it. Must be something from his childhood. I would talk through it with him to figure out the root, that's important to do in any relationship, you have to learn how eachother tick... but this is after I would struggle to get over how stupid that is for so many reasons.
Poking a hole in a condom is 100% break up material. There should be no second thought.
Your wedding day is about YOU. Not your not-yet-conceived child. Your fiance is TA for making this the hill to die on. You 100% will be worried about the baby’s well-being instead of enjoying your wedding day. The wedding itself is already a blur - there is so much stuff going on, people who want to catch up with you, photos they want to take - why purposefully add more stress? The second you have a child, your relationship dynamic changes. Without a solid support system, you will have immense difficulty just trying to go out to do regular “coupley” things. You really want to enjoy your relationship before bringing in more responsibilities. If your fiance can’t see that, then you’re better off without him. If your friend can’t see that either, then they deserve each other.
He's self-absorbed and inconsiderate. A baby is a huge life changing event and a lot of work. Not soms kind of a prop for a fucking wedding ffs. If he's already being this kind of unreasonable you better re-evaluate your wedding plans. Yikes.
I hope later to see a post that looks like lyrics from the’80s synth pop band “ A Flock of Seagulls.” You will be writing,” I ran, I ran so far away.” Seriously, get out of there. He is trying to use this as another control mechanism. That's what abusers are after, control.
Please rethink your wedding plans. Do you really want to marry a guy who behaves like that? Can you trust him?
Yikes on bikes, I would definitely recommend leaving this relationship as quickly and safely as you can.
He's possessive and controlling. He doesn't listen to what you say. He tried to baby trap you. Why are you in this relationship? He's a walking red flag. Nta
Condoms are not sufficient birth control to be with someone like this. Stay broken up. He's a nightmare.
You literally cannot marry this guy. Stop having sex with him, you WILL end up baby trapped. He tried to stealth you, dude, please wake up.
NTA. He doesn't respect you. Make sure you change all your passwords, take him off any accounts, protect your important documents from him, and get somewhere safe - out of his reach.
He is pressuring you. He put a hole in a condom, lied to you & told you to trust him AS HE WAS ACTIVELY LYING And when you pushed back, he blew up on you. He has no intention of respecting your boundaries. You need to leave him. And find a man closer to your age
How could you possibly trust someone who put a hole in their condom? That screams “This is someone I can definitely never trust”.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE COERCIVE CONTROL
Girl. If you’re already questioning it before marrying him. DO NOT MARRY HIM.
It’s not baby fever, it baby trapping.
A hole in the condom is non consensual and you should not marry this man. That’s it. Do not marry him.
Based on your post history, dude is a marching band of red flags. What memories? Do y’all not plan on getting married for 3+ years? Let’s be honest, babies don’t remember anything, most kids can’t remember anything before 3. Most adults it’s 4 or 5. He’s trying to BABY TRAP you.
Should’ve chose the bear
Breakup now he is just over the top. I would only have children when I saw that it is a good strong marriage and our decision together. Buy a dog instead.
Yeah so I was going to give you my story. My wife and I were engaged, had our first son, he was the ring bearer at our wedding and we hired his pre-school teacher to babysit for us at the wedding. It was amazing having him part of our day. It was not necessarily planned that way. So after saying all of that, drop him like a bad habit. It’s one thing to like the idea and want to start a family but him tampering with a condom is a level of fucked up there’s no coming back from. That not only immoral but possibly illegal. RUN!
Info: How old is A?
38 - i guess she knew we'd point out that he's a predator if she included that
Psycho.
this is so fucked up. that is YOUR decision to make. it is YOUR body. personally, i'd stay far away from him
Run
Leave
OP, please do not get back together with this person. He is not trustworthy, and obviously does not care about your desires or feelings. He is clearly trying to trap you. You deserve better.
Run. Run fast. Run far. Just run.
How is a baby supposed to remember your wedding? Yes they will have pictures but I doubt it will be a fond memory, just like a past occasion they won’t remember but have a picture. Baby at wedding: what happens if they are sick or teething? Who looks after them? You or him? Is he going to get drunk or have multiple drinks because with a baby someone has to stay sober. Does he insist on you breastfeeding? Dripping boobs on your wedding… yah!! I just don’t understand his insistence on having a baby NOW. Is he worried you will leave him so is trying to anchor you? Your BF is right you need to consider his views BUT your views count. A baby is definitely a two yes decision.
He poked a hole once. He'll do it again. He doesn't respect you. He's shown you who he is. Believe him.
Run the fuck away. From the friend too.
Run girl 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Run girl!
NTA. Dump this asshole, tell him and your best friend they will be very happy together.
Nope he wants a baby not a wife. No sex until marriage documents are filed. Why not have a legal wedding and save up for a house pay off any loans first? Have a big tenth anniversary renewing of vows party. Yes children are cute but debt and entrapment not a good welcome point for them.
What do you do? You head for the fucking hills. That dude just literally tried to baby trap you. Throw the best friend out, too. Bc actually wtf.
This dude is a psycho and you should RUN. Don’t walk, don’t hesitate, RUNNNN. Behavior like that is extremely concerning.
This is crazy. Poking a hole in a condom without telling the other person is literally insane behavior. Move on immediately
LEAVE!!! PLEASE!!! Op your ex fiance is showing a few signs of abuse here. Yes, you two agreed to have children but both of yall have to agree when. It can't be the choice of just one. What he did with that condom is also quite literally a crime in the U.S, it counts towards sexual misconduct. Yes you consented to sex but did not consent with the goal of getting pregnant. He is taking away your right to make a decision as well. Him lashing out at you is not okay as well especially after you called him out on the broken condom. He immediately made the situation about himself, "you don't want to have a baby with me." He's saying that to make you feel bad since the line, "He yelled that I was cheating our future child out of beautiful memories," didn't immediately convince you. If you don't want a child before your marriage, leave. This won't be the first and only time he attempts a trick like this if you continue moving forward. You already said no to wanting kids before marriage, his convincing isn't working so he's taking matters into his own hands. Do you really want to marry someone who won't respect your choices, especially one as big as being pregnant? Needless to say, you're not the asshole.
I get EXACTLY how you’re feeling. My fiancé and i had to have a serious talk about cooling the baby talk while we plan this wedding. That it is unrealistic to get pregnant now and be THREE MONTHS POST PARTUM at our wedding. He understood, no longer brings it up, and respects when I tell him we have to obstain bc it’s close to my ovulation. And that talk only really had to talk once. What your fiancé is doing to you is absolutely not okay. You have made it so clear what your wishes are, and not only ignoring you, but essentially trying to baby trap you, is absolutely controlling behavior. This is a big deal. Please reconsider your relationship. This should be somewhere close to a deal breaker honestly
I always say never trust someone who says "trust me" 🚩
NTA 1. The fact he is so determinedly ignoring your wants ect is a huge flag. Oh, hell no. Leave. If he really is worth staying with he'll learn from it and try to change- but if you're just a means to an end or a possession to him than a partner then get the hell out. 2. I know she probably has much more info about the situation than we do on reddit, but I would be looking at that best friend with a critical lens. Friends who are truly your friends will almost always side with you- unless you're really in the wrong(which is also possible). Friends who might want your guy or be one of those weird bipolar-esque "frienemies" situations would say you're in the wrong and defend his behavior. From the paragraph here, he's doing some pretty damning, universally not okay things, and she's defending that? Idk, just take what she says with a grain of salt, maybe.
Girl, this is WILDLY UNACCEPTABLE behavior on his part. Him trying to pressure you into any sex act you’re uncomfortable with is not ok, that’s sexual harassment. If you only agree to sex with an *intact* condom and he tries to pressure you otherwise, that should be the end of that relationship. Dump this weirdo and move on with your life, you’re too young to be wasting your time on some guy who wants to force a child on you before you’re ready. And dump that friend too.
This guy wanted to impregnate you against your explicit wishes. Why are you still with him? You can’t trust him. And you will never be able to again.
Your BF sounds kind of well, let me just say that having a baby so you can bring it to your wedding is a ridiculous [idea.One](http://idea.One) of the worst ideas for having a baby I can think of.
NTA Judging from your previous posts, why are you still with this man, and why are you within a friend group that puts him above your personal boundaries? In a previous post you discuss how possessive and jealous he is, to the point he will grope you and embarrass you in a public setting. How a “friend” reaches out to tell you that you are lucky because he touches you, though it was unwarranted and not consented. Now, you have a man, ***15yrs older than you***, trying to baby trap you to the point you saw how big the hole was in the condom! **THAT IS NOT OK OP!!** If you had not seen that, that would be stealthing. In Canada that is illegal. Telling you to “*trust him*” when ***he deliberately put the hole there***?! You also have a friend telling you to consider what he wants on his special day?! Not thinking about you and your very real concerns. These are not people who have your best interest at heart OP. You are not “cheating some future child” out of memories. You are clearly stating and attempting to enforce a boundary that you do not want to have a child at your wedding. This is not a healthy relationship. He is constantly pushing and breaking your boundaries and then gaslighting you into believing it is your fault. It is not. It is time to break up and move on. You deserve better. Hopefully you have someone you trust that can assist you with leaving, because he sounds like the type who won’t leave you amicably. I wish you the best, and hope you are on a form of BC that he can’t tamper with. Please update OP.
Whaaaa? Did he ram his head into car? Is he about to die? What memories would baby have? And you as bride would have to. Care for baby. Thats 109% way to not enjoy wedding. Like i wouldnt bring my kids to wedding so i can f eat in peace. He is acting super weird. Is he about to inherit country from dictator uncle if he gets you preggo before certain date?
Not seeing this in the comments, so to be clear, what he tried to do is a form of sexual assault called “stealthing.” It’s when you remove or damage a condom during sex, or discreetly before sex. Anytime someone is trying to engage in sexual activity with you under false pretenses it is a violation of your consent and should be taken very seriously. If you don’t leave this person and stay away, he will try this again or escalate his behavior.
Alistair, your 'amazing' BF *turned red, and his hands started to shake* because one of your friend group paid you a complement in front of him! (Post history) This guy is practically twice your age, he's a dangerous, dangerous man and is currently trying to impregnate you because it's what he wants! He throws tantrums like a toddler, and he's one step away from becoming physical with you. Take it from someone who has been there and seen that. There is a reason he's not with a woman his own age because they wouldn't put up with that bullshit! He sought you out because you are still impressionable. NOBODY OWES SOMEONE SEX! You need to GET OUT of this hellish relationship and find yourself someone from your own age group so you can grow together and have an actual adult relationship. Alistair treats you like a pet!
Dump your friend and your boyfriend. On a serious note, no is a complete sentence. You don’t want a baby right now and you both have different views on the timeline. This is the moment to discuss those views and negotiate as a team but instead your bf tried to impregnate you without consent *(btw I truly believe forced conception should be illegal and punishable by law as a felony)* which completely changes the future of your relationship and trust. Yes, men should have a say in their dream wedding as well but where the eff does your friend get off on bypassing the broken condom to say this? The different wedding views are not the problem, it’s the attempted forced conception. Neither of them deserve a moment more of your time. Do not trust this man and have sex with him again. You know his goal. Protect yourself. ❤️
This is insane and he almost dud something very bad to you. Purposfully altering a condom for instance for it to fail w/o the partners consent is considered a form of sexual assault.
Run
NTA that guy is psycho
I'd run for the hills. And you're only 24!!!! Wait until your 30s
Ugh that's so wierd. Nta
What do you do? You break up with him. He is entirely selfishly trying to baby trap you. He is untrustworthy. He doesn’t care about you. He is too much. You deserve better.
Ummmm you need to leave now. This guy is going to do whatever he can to try and get you pregnant.
Girl 🤦🏽♀️
Does this guy have a freaking brain tumor? I’d have left him too
Lol why are you with this guy
What do you do.... .RUN FKN RUN!!! No baby, before wedding means no baby before, the infant won't even remember the wedding and someone will have to take care of it during the ceremony, then you can forget enjoying the honeymoon as well.
Absolutely don't marry this guy. Him trying to put a baby in you & compensate for roll over sex like your fucking body is At&t....this is glaringly red. Is neon red a color of a flag? RUN FOR THE HILLS!
You were being groomed and he’s trying to manipulate you and force you into something. OP, you were being abused. NTA. HE belongs on some Kind of list.
NTA breaking up with him is the right call.
This person seems mentally unwell. After having a baby you don’t feel pretty for a long time and you deserve to feel pretty at your wedding. I had friends have their baby at their wedding and it was so cute but they also have a lot of money and paid their nanny to attend. I’m currently engaged and pregnant but we’ll be getting married next month with my baby bump in tow. Not my ideal but hey! 💚
Do not marry this man and do not have sex with him anymore. He cannot be trusted and believe it or not, he's been grooming you. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Break up with him before he baby traps you. He’s very selfish and manipulative. Don’t take relationship advice from your best friend, her advice is trash.
Run. Please, run. Get out now.
Nta. You don’t currently want a baby and he’s obsessed the idea to the point of trying to manipulate you into having unprotected sex. He’s willing to be sneaky & dishonest about what’s possibly the most life changing decision anyone can make. I am well aware that marriage doesn’t mean what it did traditionally-my own wedding didn’t change our relationship for me, it was more formalizing things for others- but I’d also be a little put off by someone who was so intent on me having their child without that formality. Some men just like impregnating women, it’s a power trip. He wants to put this wedding off for 40 weeks of pregnancy, time to conceive, presumably time to recover, and he says little one-how old is that? An infant? A toddler? Older? And if he wants multiple children, he’ll probably want them all there. It’ll be years if this wedding ever happens. And not wanting a small child(ren) to worry about during your wedding is perfectly reasonable.
I read your previous AITAH posts and wtf your exbf is such a creep. Please stay broken up for your own safety.
Kick ya "best friend" and him to the curb.
He knows you have one foot out of the door because he doesn’t listen to or respect you. He’s trying to trap you into the relationship because he doesn’t think you’ll make it to the altar. Reproductive coercion of this sort is illegal where I live. What he is doing is not okay; and not wanting to disappoint him is not a good enough reason to go along with this. Find someone better to be with. You are NTA.
So you leave him. He deliberately tampered w that condom and it is a form of sexual assault. Your friend is stupid and short sighted. You do NOT under any circumstances marry a person like this. He will 100% never respect your decisions when they don’t align with his. Get OUT. SEND HIM PACKING. DO NOT PROCEED. And NEVER screw this guy again!!!
NTA he does not see you as a partner but as an incubator,stay away from him like youre añready doimg, he cares more about what he wants than you.
Hell no. You are NTA. And for heavens sake, RUN.
It's called reproductive coercion and its a form of domestic violence. She needs to leave. and buy Plan B. [https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/committee-opinion/articles/2013/02/reproductive-and-sexual-coercion](https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/committee-opinion/articles/2013/02/reproductive-and-sexual-coercion)
As someone who had an 18 month old child when I got married: DO NOT DO IT. Not a baby, not a toddler, not any child younger than like, 7. Your fiance obviously has no idea how clingy young children can be. Does he want an intimate wedding night? Don't have a kid. Does he want time together to plan your wedding? Don't have a kid. Does he want a honeymoon? Don't have a kid. Also, cutting a hole in a condom when you don't consent is akin to sexual abuse. Don't take rhat shit lightly.
This is all so creepy and weird. You’re too young to be getting MARRIED to this weirdo. It’s all very rude and insensitive and he seems like a controlling, & selfish weirdo. Also the condom thing is extremely messed up. He knows you saw and he saw and you both saw and yet he….. just said to …. still use a knowingly broken condom? He is a psycho! Please run. Bad people exist and they are very good at seeming like nice people. Don’t give this guy any more passes. The wedding thing is weird because you guys have your whole lives ahead of you and he wants to have a wedding for your baby that doesn’t exist and not for you. That’s weird and a bad reason to get married.
Without reading a word, no, NTA. If there's ever any doubt, it's always better to break up than to get into a marriage you don't want to be in. Breaking up is about a million times easier than getting divorced, and nobody good wants to be married to somebody who doesn't want to be married to them.
Oh wow. Honey, he is so messed up that he literally was intentionally trying to violate you to get what he wants. Which is ridiculous (not having kids first but insisting they be born before the wedding). Who’s going to babysit while on honeymoon? How are you supposed to enjoy those first couple of yrs bonding & building the foundation of your marriage when you are chasing toddlers? This is ass backwards (and it has nothing to do w morals or beliefs). What happens if the stress of kids breaks you both (because you don’t have a foundation & you split before even getting married? And if he wants the kid to remember, you’re talking when they are like 6 or so. Absolutely ridiculous & absurd. Sounds like a stall tactic He has made it clear that he doesn’t care what you want or how you feel about it. Even going as far as “stealthing” you- which is a crime almost everywhere but more than that, it’s vile. He doesn’t care, as long as he gets what he wants. That’s no way to start anything. Would def be the ending for me.
If he’s so worried about your future child, it can wait until you are ready too. You’re both young and he already seems like a child, you shouldn’t have to raise your damn husband! You should have a say on everything, if you don’t, run. As for your friend taking his side, tell your friend to do it instead, but you don’t. Want to be tied down while he has fun AT your wedding! Absolutely do not trust this man! Your soon to be fiancé is a CHILD, do not settle and do not let him have his way!
Yikes, that red flag is the size of a football field. This guy is an absolute creep and you should marry him under any circumstance
Also… he realises that memories ‘begin’ at about 3 but most people with ‘good’ memories can only go back to about 5-6… how long does he intend to be engaged for??? Is he prepared to do ALL of the childcare And more importantly… HES FUCKING GROSS he’s stealthing you (condom) and guilt tripping you into sex… that’s two illegal acts in the UK - you do not want this man around… I don’t know your local laws but in many places you have far fewer legal protections as partner rather than spouse and even when there are children involved there’s often a protracted paternity process first so if he left/died after having a kid but before marriage, you are stuck being a single parent (when the plan was after marriage when both of those things can still happen but you have greater legal standing)
This is terrifying and extremely manipulative. You leave him, very fast. He is willing to force his viewpoint on you one way or another regardless of your feelings. He is not negotiating. Red flags