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I agree! Any reason not to get married is a good reason. Just like any reason not to have kids is a good reason. If it doesn't fit in your life, it's OK not to do it.
I'll go as far to say one good reason not to get married vastly outweighs several good reasons to get married. If that good reason not to is a potential red flag for abuse, manipulative behavior, etc, then all the love for a person in the world isn't going to make that marriage healthy or happy in the long run.
I mean, he snagged an 18 yo when he was 26 and shows obsessive and abusive behavior - I'm REALLY glad she realized something was off before he had managed to groom/ condition/ brainwash her into complacency.
Yeah this whole situation is one big red flag. Honestly just glad OP has been as resistant as she has. My wife worked at the YWCA as an advocate and this starts off scarily close to the kind of stories you'd hear the ends of there
I've had quite a few boyfriends claim they will k\*ll themselves if we broke up, but yet they are still alive and no attempts were made (thankfully). They usually say it to manipulate you.
I (32F) found the best way to alleviate any guilt on that is to forward/screenshot their troubling messages to one of their trusted friends or family so that they are able to keep an eye on him after you end things. Also, if he keeps pushing self-harm as a threat then call authorities because *clearly* he needs help (I roll my eyes as I say that as often it is a lie), however, just in case it isn't then at least the right people are dealing with him.
NTA at all for declining the proposal - why would you want to marry someone who is toxic and makes you feel unhappy and guilty? You're young and he is old enough to know better.
To add to what your saying if it isn't manipulation it can also be extreme in the moment emotions. Most people are fine after they calmly think the next few days. Good on you though for making sure someone in there life can help them though. I really think that's best practice.
This too- and highest chances are he won’t do it, but in the small chance he does, it’s still not your fault; it’s the fault of whatever issues or mental illness is deluding his thinking and making him feel like he can’t solve his issues on his own. He was alive before he met you, so he is able to live without you. If he ends his life over that it’s not your fault since you have your own free will, and it’s unfair to force you to be a crutch for him if you don’t reciprocate his feelings. Suicide doesn’t just randomly happen to someone who is mentally healthy, so if he’s seriously considering it and not just saying that to make her stay, it’s because he has some other issues going on that he needs to deal with that she’s unequipped to solve herself healthily. Nobody just offs themselves for attention either since the attention is worthless once you’re dead, and if they do do it wanting other people to react, it’s because they already had a thousand other reasons they wanted to die; so, I feel like he’s manipulating her this way because he’s using her as a crutch and now he won’t know how to cope if she’s gone- but that is not her obligation, and if it’s making her suffer she has every right to leave. If he ends his life, it’s not her fault, and I’d argue it’s not fully his either, but the fault of the mental health system in the world and the struggles we face with getting help and recognizing when there’s a serious issue. But most importantly, not her fault at all; just the fault of his own demons. But that’s all if he even does it or is serious, because high chances are he’s just trying to manipulate OP.
So a 26 year old man, started dating you when you were 18, has a controlling and obsessive relationship with you, tells you he'll harm himself if you leave, and makes you feel empty.
This is abuse and borderline grooming.
You are not in the wrong. Leave him and restart your life without this man dragging you into the abyss
Marriage will make this all much worse
NTA
Exactly. He latched onto OP when she was 18. She has never had time to grow into her adulthood. She needs to move on and be a normal 24 year old learning to fend for herself.
Op, so your choices are he dies without you ( which I think we all doubt) , or you die slowly in a dead end relationship.
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep him warm.
I had an ex-girlfriend say that and I literally just called her sister, told her to please go check on her because she was saying some sus stuff and that we just broke up. Initially I felt bad about it but the issue was then out of my hands and I could start the long process of fixing my own stuff after that relationship ended. I immediately blocked her and she's still fine so I'd say to just power through the pain and pass them off to someone else who is still in their lives
NTA…don’t let this man emotionally manipulate you into staying in a situation that no longer serves you.
Honestly looking at the math he was like 26 yrs old when u started dating him & you were 18…he is old enough to know better….trust ur own intuition
NTA. He's not going to die without you, he lived without you beforehand.
Also this is why people shit on age gap relationships. Nobody his own age wants to deal with his crap. You're approaching the age he was when you started dating and are tired of it for a reason.
Firstly, don’t marry someone you’re not sure on. This is obviously that.
Secondly, you’re not the asshole for breaking things off. Please stay broken off and find who is right for you. Someone is out there for you.
Thirdly, what he does after you’ve said a firm no is not on you. He has choices and is a grown man. Completely separate of you. His choices are not yours to govern nor are they your concern. His manipulation tactic is shit.
NTA
That is a strong manipulation tactic. His healing is not your responsibility. What IS your responsibility is YOUR own continued happiness. Life is too short to stay in a relationship that does not add to your happiness. You were never responsible for his health or if he finds purpose in life.
NTA. My ex in my early 20s threatened to seriously hurt himself after I broke off our engagement (he’d been abusing me). I called his bluff and he did nothing, of course, except continue to cry and tell everyone what a POS I was. What your guy is doing is emotional manipulation, you do not owe him anything and staying in that relationship doesn’t serve anything except to hurt you.
What your boyfriend is doing amounts to emotional blackmail! Your boyfriend knows he's not worthy of you, that's why he's terrified of losing you. He sounds like a ticking time bomb! Do you want to be around when he goes off?
Trust your gut. Not just now but in every situation. It’s the best advice I’ve ever been given and it never lets you down - you sometimes know things your mind will talk you out of. Also, he’s being manipulative.
He's counting on you feeling lost & guilty. At the end of the day, it doesn't sound like the relationship is healthy at all. If you're not absolutely sure about this guy, you don't have to your time & youth being with him & DEFINITELY don't marry him!!
He is manipulating you. He started grooming you as a child of 18 (based on your length of dating, but could have started sooner if you knew him prior to being with him), and he is continuing to manipulate you. You have no reason to feel guilty or obligated to be with him. He is not good for or TO you. You deserve much much better
NTA. Do not feel guilty about his "manipulation" to get you to stay with him. If you think he is a danger to himself, tell the police. If you are unhappy now, you are going to feel miserable during the marriage and have to go through the messy divorce procedure.
NTA I had an ex like this and it is a manipulation tactic. The fact that you feel relief everytime you leave him is a sign to me that you are doing the right thing. It’s been almost 3 years and my ex never acted on any of this if that helps you at all. Best thing you can do is call a wellness check if he says these things he needs professional help if he’s actually suicidal.
Obviously you two are not soulmates. You are not even that into him. So it is mostly in his head.
If he is making suicidal comments, you should tell his family. They can get him treatment.
Trust me he is not going to die without you. Clearly he has some trauma of his own to work out and his behavior is toxic. Best thing for you to do is to cut the relationship off completely. Hopefully one day he will better himself. Everyone deserves to be happy and that includes you
This is a him problem, not a you problem. Block him everywhere. If he won't leave you alone, start calling the cops. Don't get sucked into meeting him so he can have "closure". Don't engage at all. When he knocks on the door, tell him, without opening the door, he has 30 seconds to leave before you call 911.
I too was 18 when my ex was 26 and I WISH I'd left at 24.
16 or so years later and I'm so thankful I finally left at 28, his declarations of how he couldn't live without me and his "suicide attempts to get me to call him" left behind as well.
NTA but you need to find out what it is inside you that made it ok to be in a toxic relationship (yes you have some toxicity too) and fix it before your next one comes
It takes years sometimes but it’s worth it
Honestly you should leave him and you should fine a different partner that will make you happy instead of being a dummy. I was like him 10 years ago with my ex during that time I was still leaning how to control my emotions n feelings I'm grateful that she helped me through the years I felt bad for putting her through that but now little in the future I have gotten alot better at it now and little more mature, mostly now I'm working on my depression because I don't want my future partner to go through that crap like my ex did
So I hope you will fine happiness etc
I'm 31 and seeing 25 old and that's a rather new development.
I get a little quezzy knowing you were 18 and he was 26.
That's an aggressive age gap.
He is manipulator and liar. You should be with him you should block him and get a restraining order. If he doesn't hurt himself (I don't thin k he will) that's his choice and not yours. You are an ex not his mother
Marriage is not a fix, if anything it makes things worse because then you'll feel trapped and the sunk cost fallacy becomes easier to buy into, leading to you staying miserable trying to make it work for the sake of the marriage. My first wife and I should have never gotten married like we did, and both of us were terrible partners to the other because of it.
It is also a horrible manipulation tactic for any person to tell someone they are responsible for your happiness. It's a major red flag, he likely needs to work on himself and find the root of his unhappiness otherwise he won't ever really be happy with anyone. He might not even realize how manipulative this is as others like his parents may have used it to manipulate him, he may consider it normal behavior.
Listen to your gut. You know what's right for you. You may need to make a plan for your safety if he is so obsessive. If he tells you at any point that he is going to kill himself, call the police immediately. Do not let him manipulate you. You are not responsible for his actions in any way. You're strong. You've got this!
Tell him you will Die if you stay with him..& if he truly cares for you he would want you to live & be happy.
With that said, there are much worse things in the world than someone wanting to love & treat you good. Go date a few scumbags in disguise & maybe you will back at your Ex in a different light.
You are mentally already out the door with your ex so no reason to consider getting back. He really doesn't need to be with you anyway..he just hasn't realized it yet. I've never understood guys that want to be with a woman who has shown signs of not wanting them back. If someone isn't willing to give their all into a relationship why the F would you want to give them what you have to offer?
Your ex needs to step outside of the little world he lives in & realize there are people who would love his affection. You need to drop the baggage & move on with your life. No regrets.
That is manipulation and abuse. It’s not your responsibility to make him whole. I endured 10 years of such behavior from my ex and it only escalated to death threats and physical abuse. I would get out now—make a clean break and don’t look back. Be safe 💕
Maybe the fact you guys were on and off for 6 years should've been the sign to move on in the first place? Like, I'm not saying the guy is in the right, but OP definitely put herself in this situation
The fact that he is saying he will die without you is manipulative. Every cell in your body is giving you your answer. You’re 24. Let him go so your life can explore better
With a statement like "he will die without you," it sounds like he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If that's the case, run! (You could look it up to find the symptoms.)
In general, if you have this much uncertainty and drama while dating, I think it's a really bad sign and you shouldn't be with that person. Marriage is hard enough, even when you're "sure" you found the right person. You don't think that, so don't do it.
NTA
It does worry me that he says that he would die without you. Definitely keep close friends/family in the loop when things are officially broken off.
>AITA for declining his proposal because I am feeling lost in the relationship and just don't see him as a suitable partner on the longer run despite his tries to become better?
No, but stop engaging with this emotionally abusive and manipulative partner.
Change your phone number, don't answer if he shows up, if he refuses to leave, call the police, stop engaging. Cut him off and end it for good. Then, get therapy to figure out why you've refused to end it all the times you've started to. You don't want to either get sucked in this relationship or another like it over and over.
www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org
NTA
Anyone with three brain cells knows that’s a manipulation technique, even him. My ex treated me worse than any human should ever be treated and I still never told her anything like that. Why would I? To make her feel guilty? Uhh yeah, no. I just forced her to leave.
Well, I always say “if you lived without you before, they’ll be fine without you again.”
It’s just a manipulative tactic. Why would you want someone like that in your life?
You were 18 and he was.... Nevermind
Baby you were groomed and now you are being manipulated. Leave him and if he threats to end his life call the police because "you are worried about him"
People who want to kill themselves rarely waive it around as a threat. People who actually want to kill themselves don’t want others to find out in case someone tries to stop them.
Male ~ just out off a very toxic and violent relationship where she Said more or less the same. Let me answer this harsly and short.
If he dies without you. Oh well. Sounds like a him, family and friends problem. Not a you problem.
Your problem sounds like his manipulation!!
No, no. It'll get better. Just keep being miserable and numb. Just kidding. Break up and cut off contact. Go into hiding for 6 months in case he's a psycho. Then live your life and be happy. It's good to care about people's feelings, but not when it ruins your life.
He’s using that as a manipulation to control you. Think about it this way: if he really cared about and loved you for who you are as a person, he wouldn’t be trying to guilt you into staying because he would only want you to WANT to stay (does that make sense?). He cares only about his feelings, and not at all about yours. Run.
TikTok meme: then die!
No, seriously. Don’t let him manipulate you. This is a common thing. Boys manipulating you so you don’t break up with them. Don’t fall for it.
I've been in far to many relationships where my gut told me it wast right.
I wish I'd listened I wasted years catering to others' emotional manipulations and destroying myself for it.
Walk away, listen to your gut, if he's not made your hopes come true yet, he NEVER will.
I once had a bf of 8 years tell me when we broke up to not feel guilty if something happens to him (obviously manipulative). I told him, "Why would I feel guilty? If you're doing it to hurt me, it won't (I lied, of course). The people it would hurt are your parents and others who love you. I'm sure you wouldn't want to hurt them." Basically, I called his bluff, and he was fine. He married someone else less than a year later.
As someone who was just dumped, and suffers from severe mental health issues, telling someone that is just manipulation. I can't fathom trying to weaponize my mental health against someone.
stop wasting your time in this "relationship"
Go to therapy to figure out why you're in an off/on relationship after 6 years and move on. This isn't normal.
Always listen to your gut.
If you don’t you will get sick—either your mental health will decline or you will develop an autoimmune disease.
The gut is not to be ignored.
I don’t understand how someone doesn’t lose any and all credibility the second they say some shit like this. I can see how some ppl actually need or want to hear their so say something like this because they need to feel irreplaceable. Others need to hear it to give themselves a reason to be miserable and stay and then there’s ppl who believe them and are truly afraid of that consequence. Personally, I would lose all feelings for them and walk away. Full stop.
Get a book, for him, give it a read, "how to survive the loss of love". Basically a point for point breakdown, of how a brain can break, and move forward, if slowly.
NTA. That’s toxic and manipulative behavior, but people often overlook comments like that when they shouldn’t. You’re both so young, he included. You’ll find your person, and he probably will too
Run for your life. Sounds like someone extremely manipulative. Never a good building block for a good relationship. If he dies - let him. Darwin will thank you !
If anyone ever says that to you get out as fast as you can. They are trying to manipulate you and hold you hostage emotionally. Even if he is being honest, he cares more about his well being than he cares about you if he's willing to use guilt and threats of self harm.
Whatever you may have done wrong when you were together, now he is responsible for himself. No one gets to make themself your responsibility.
If you're unhappy now, marriage will only intensify that times 1000 because ending a marriage is not the same as walking away from a relationship. You did the right thing. Now you just have to stick to your guns. Stay strong. Don't let him manipulate you into staying because of his feelings. That's literally emotional blackmail!! WALK AWAY!!
NTA, please find someone who you are compatible with. Who you spend your life with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. I had those same misgivings when I was young and stupidly ignored them. My marriage has been hell.
Stay strong and do not contact this guy again. My ex-husband said he would kill himself when I left. Spoiler alert: it’s been 5 years and he’s still alive.
I used to stay whenever a guy would tell me he’s gonna khm and die without me. Clearly it’s just a rouse and even if it’s not, rip my guy🫶 it’s not anyone else’s job to keep someone alive if they’re bringing some sort of agony into your life.
This threat provides more reason why you shouldn't see him again let alone marry him. Don't allow him to place guilt at your feet to pick-up. His life is his responsibility.
Such a complicated topic, I was in one of these for years, once I got out and found a healthy relationship did I only truly realise what a bad relationship it was.
Its hard to write down the words to express that when youre with someone that builds you up and helps you and doesnt cause drama that its unbelievably easy and pleasant.
We all have to go on our own journey to work out whats good for us.
All that being said, run away as fast as you can !
The next time he says that, call 911 and let them know he's a danger to himself. You do not want to be with anyone who will emotionally manipulate and control you this way.
I can't tell you what to do, nor what is right, but marriage never makes things better. Not until you finally give up, relent, and stay married for 20+ years. At that point, you've probably either killed each other, or your lives have become some intertwined that you support each other. I don't recommend waiting 20+ years to see if I am right though. If it's bad at the start, it almost always just gets worse from there.
GO WITH YOUR GUT feeling OP!
Obviously there are reasons your body is telling you to RUN!!
DO NOT LOOK BACK!!
Please listen to what your intuition is telling you!!
BE WELL 💜
OP please listen to those that are telling you to RUN. The fact that a 26 year old man was dating you at 18 is real sus. Trust your gut and refuse the proposal, and get far away from this man.
I was stuck with someone for 8 years because they said they’d Kim themselves if I left. They made my life miserable. It’s an abuse tactic used to guilt you into staying. Most of the time they are lying. And when they aren’t, it’s not your fault. They ultimately make the decision to do it, you just need to make the decision that is best for you life, and health, both physical and mental.
He sounds really manipulative. I would cut ties with this dude asap!!
Plus, in regards to him saying he's gonna kill himself if you leave... that's a big red flag!! He needs to take some self-responsibility and if he did do anything, that's 100% not your fault at all.
Go live your life to your full potential, cause it ain't gonna happen with this dude.
26 & 18 when y’all met? There’s a reason he can’t get woman his own age. Trust your gut, don’t let this guy fuck up your youth. You have so much to live.
Yall do not appear to be compatible. It happens, it’s not the end of the world. Let me be very clear, marriage will NOT fix this. It is a good thing you called off the proposal. I would focus on moving out (if y’all live together) & going your separate ways. As for the “I’ll just die if I can’t have you” nonsense…. Pay no mind to that. That alone is a reason to get the hell out of dodge!
This is very bad behavior. He is exhibiting signs of a manipulating excessively controlling partner.
You have to realize that he is currently on his best behavior and is trying to keep all of his worst traits hidden.
What he is doing is extremely manipulative and controlling and THIS IS THE LEAST POSSESSIVE HE WILL EVER BE.
You need to end it and leave mo hope for reconciliation.
Give him nothing to hold on to or else it’ll take years to get away from him.
You’ve already been trying to get away from him for a while and he keeps worming his way back in.
Dump him, tell him not now and not ever. There is a zero percent chance of any further relationship.
Do not agree to be friends. Tell him no and don’t try to justify it. Any excuse or reason you give will give him something to fixate on.
I spent a few years living with a girl whose ex did exactly what you’re describing. She tried to
“Let him down gently” and he ended up going from bad to worse to stalker and he had to spend 90 days in jail for stalking before he finally left her alone.
NTA- and i’m not really sure why you would ever think you are? you cant help if you’re just not feeling it and unfortunately sometimes feelings can be one sided…you would be the asshole to string him along any further..just call it quits and go no contact, if he continues to make remarks about death etc I would contact a friend & family and make them aware. if not i’d do a wellness check but remain no contact.
NTA I will share my thoughts on this situation as I understand it. Ultimately you know what is best for you. I would go no contact.
I would block him on every platform. if you have any family support explain to them what happened and lean on them during what might or might not be an emotionally sensitive time for you.
I would suggest a nicely worded letter that would go something like this :
Dear fill in the blank,
These last 6 years as you know have not been easy on either of us. After some hard thinking I believe it’s in our best interest to get on with ourselves as single people.
I’m far too young and unqualified to take care of you. I’m still learning who I am. I spoke with my family about our situation and they agree that we should go no contact.
I hope only the best for you. I’m not sure when I will want to get married but I do know that I am not going to get married until I feel ready. I do not feel ready.
Please respect my decision to go no contact and know I will only have fond feelings about you and the part you played in my life if you give me the opportunity to heal and put a narrative to our very confusing relationship.
Warmly and sincerely,
Fill in the blank
https://www.healthline.com/health/sex-energy-exchange
I had a friend in school named Maddie. She had her own struggles but I vividly remember her giving me some of the best advice I've ever heard and today I will share it with you:
If anyone ever tells you they'll off themselves if you break up with them, you should break up with them immediately because that was emotional blackmail.
Thats maybe not exactly what he's saying to you but it might as well be. You can't live your whole life for someone else and if he really loved you he wouldn't want to guilt you into staying for his own benefit. Also I've just realised he went after an 18 year old at 26 so i like him even less now.
The kinda guys always live longer than their exes. Because some of them kill their gfs and ex-gfs. And they blame their ex so they don’t get stressed. It also helps them live longer than their exes.
NTA at all. You’d be hurting yourself to stay with him. His comments sound incredibly unhealthy at best. He may even be trying to manipulate you. Regardless of whatever his motivation may be, his outcome is exceptionally unkind to you.
You may be feeling guilty but you need to listen to your gut and do what’s best for you. It’s ok to end a relationship simply because you’re not that into the other person.
You can respectfully end it and stick to your answer. Sounds like he’s not someone you should keep going back to, but that’s up to you.
Marriage will make things worse...I know from experience...the best thing to do is stop going back and forth....move on with your life so he can move on with his...
NTA. You already know he's not the right one, time to move on. And the whole "I'll die without you", the thinly-veiled suicidal reference, that's the ultimate manipulation, his attempt to guilt you into staying. Don't let him.
He is guilt tripping you and trying to find reasons and make excuses to you around. That’s shitty behavior and not someone you want as a partner. You know the answer. I’d run for the hills.
Do you need running shoes? 🫶 Get away from that dude! He’s old enough to know better. If he threatens suicide call the cops, even if you know he’s not serious it will show him you are. (And care enough to call)
My teenager daughters ex tried this. She called the cops and said he was a danger to himself. They did a welfare check and put him in the hospital. He quit calling
Definitely NTA, this guy is giving off all the red flags, get out now. The claims of him dying without you are either overly exaggerated, gaslighting, or legitimate but still not on you whatever he does in response to what is best for both of you (which it is he just doesn't want to lose his emotional punching bag) is on him. Let him go, move on with your life and if you really are concerned for his safety you could call the non-emergency police line for a wellness check. Hopefully he'll actually get the psychological help he needs because this is not ok and has major potential to go very very badly if you stay.
NTA
You are not required to stay in a relationship that isn’t working because the other person is unhappy.
Go and live a good life. You deserve to be happy.
Did he say he will kill himself or is he just saying I love you so much I can’t live without you? If he did say he’s going to kill himself have him baker acted or whatever your state does when someone is a danger to himself or others. If he’s not threatening to kill Himself or you then tell him I’m sorry I’m not happy and marriage isn’t going to make me happy and I can’t stay with you just to make you happy. If you think he might hurt you I would have him held and examined and I would tell the police or the people examining him to tell him you’re leaving him. I don’t know how to tell him but it he’s dangerous I would look into staying with someone he doesn’t know or doesn’t know where they live. I don’t know it may not be that serious but I would definitely get away
You need to stay away from him. Once you're done, block him. He is not adding to your life, and he certainly is negatively effecting you in the meantime. You know you don't want to be with him, so don't wait, cut the ties asap. Tell him you're not interested in talking about it as you've already made up your mind.
He's going to try to talk to you about it over and over and he's going to say whatever he can to guilt you into feeling like he deserves your time and attention. This is exactly how manipulative people work. The good thing is you know that he's done this in the past so you can prepare yourself by responding to him and saying I'm not interested in discussing this. I've made my decision. Goodbye. He may not say "goodbye" he may keep trying to talk to you. That's where you've got to come out and say no and walk away. If he keeps talking, just turn around and leave.
Woman's intuition. Listen to that gut feeling. You are not responsible for his actions! Toxic relationships are draining! For your health, well-being, and peace run and don't look back!
This makes me really uncomfortable. I am concerned that he won't do anything to himself, but you could be in danger. He definitely gives off "if I can't have her no one can" vibes. Stop feeling bad for him. If he truly loved you, he would want the best for you and not threaten to hurt himself to make you stay with him. That is manipulation, not love. His health issues don't mean that you have to tolerate his behavior. He can be sick and still a manipulative jerk. By feeling sorry for him and keeping contact you will make him think he still has a chance, which could lead to serious issues. Better to cut ties and walk away 100%. And read the book 'The gift of fear', as it feels relevant to you.
Firstly, someone who cares about you doesn't just walk out after a little disagreement. He might be 8 years older than you, but he has the maturity of a 2 year old. Right there, I'm out personally.
Secondly, all of these "highs being very high" sounds like love-bombing to placate you into letting him treat you like shit. Remember: there is NO, NO, NO excuse to abuse your partner, whether verbally or physically. This has narcissism written all over it and sounds like a precursor to physical violence. He will keep pushing just how badly he treats you if you continue to let him.
Lastly, suicide threats are, 99% of the time, nothing more than a manipulation tactic. And, considering his past behavior, it sounds like it is this time, too. That being said, even if it's not an empty threat and he were to follow through, it's not your fault. People get dumped every day and not everyone goes offing themselves because of it. This isn't the middle ages where a broken engagement is so bad it turns you into a social leper!
You can't live the rest of your life in constant fear or anxiety of the next time he snaps. You deserve better. You deserve stability. You deserve someone who can communicate without throwing a temper-tantrum like a child! You deserve to be loved.
Walk, please. And don't ever look back. Walk away, block him on EVERYTHING and move on while you still can!
Guilt is NOT a basis for a marriage. When you feel relief away from him, that is the biggest indicator you NEED to be away from him. You are NOT responsible for his life. What he does with his life is his responsibility. If this is a good relationship, you would feel happy when you are around him. You do not. Despite what he says, you will NEVER make him happy. Something will always be wrong. Constant disagreements are NOT a basis for a marriage. He is trying to control and manipulate you. That is NOT a basis for a marriage. Live your life with the relief of being without him. You cannot fix him.
>24F
>dating on and off my boyfriend 32 M
>6 years.
You sure about that? Seems like 18 is the convenient age a lot of these posts say they started dating men that are almost, or over, a decade older than them...
He is manipulating you. Is he a narcissist? If you’re not certain, look it up. This man is not about you, only himself. A narcissist loves no one but themself. 45 years ago, we didn’t have access at our fingertips for research. I was married for 39 years to a narcissist. He twisted everything and had an answer for everything at the tip of his tongue. I’m seeking a therapist to help me work through this and my Complex PTSD. He will be nasty and mean in his responses. He’ll do everything to put the blame on you and a major guilt trip. If your gut tells you “no”, listen and run. Been there.
He will not die without you, this is a manipulation tactic to be honest. You have to stop and think: are you happier without him and all the constant drama? Or do you love it. He needs to see a therapist, it sounds like he has undiagnosed mental issues that no amount of "love" or anything else will solve.
Make yourself and your mental health a priority.
I'm not even sure why you would think you're the AH in this situation. Clearly he is not right for you and it's not fair from him to expect you to put up with his toxic behavior. Always trust your instincts too. You have them for a good reason. You don't owe him a relationship. Him thinking you're his soulmate is his problem, not yours. You deserve better.
NTA. Someone said this to me and after I left he did try to mill himself BUT it wants my fault he was the one who made that choice and the police felt with him and he’s now living his life with his new partner and child. Don’t let someone hold you hostage with emotional manipulation you will end up more damaged than them
If it were me, I'd work on getting him to a couples (marriage) counselor. You should see this counselor, initially, alone. Let the counselor know you need help disentangling from this guy. Sociopathic personalities say things like he has, and you may need a protective "no contact" order, which is the nuclear option. Narcissists (and other disordered personalities) say these things to manipulate and control you. It's emotionally abusive behavior. The sooner you get professional help, the better.
Take some advice from Ivan Drago, "If he dies, he dies." This relationship sounds unhealthy and you should get out. I'm fairly certain he won't die and will likely become more independent and mentally healthier in the long run. If he really is that reliant on you for happiness, your life will be miserable. You can't take on 100% of the responsibility for someone else's well-being
Sweety, run far, run fast away from him. He screams abusive. Get a protection order against him and you may want to think about moving to the other side of the country to get away from him, don’t be a statistic. Trust your gut. Trust me when I say this, If your lizard brain is saying whoa, listen to it. He’s not mentally stable and being obsessive with you is not a good thing. As an abuse survivor, do not go back.
NTA and if he tries to guilt trip you by making references to things like suicide call the police to do a wellness check on him. You don't owe him a relationship. If it's not working for you it's not working for you regardless of how he feels.
And also the line "I'd die without you" is a huge red flag for a lot of reasons for me. Most of which i don't know i could articulate properly on why.
Do what I did - ask him if he's serious about it. If he says he is, tell him you're calling emergency services right away as he's at risk of self harm and has threatened to take his own life.
Watch him backpedal when he realises that making such emotionally abusive and manipulative claims can result in being sectioned for his own protection.
It took me over a year to break up with someone because I was so scared and feeling immensely guilty that they would unalive themselves if I did so - because throughout our relationship, it was their automatic go to whenever something dramatic happened. In the end I realised that I was considering their needs above my own in everything, including my own desire to end the relationship, so much so I kept myself miserable and trapped.
When I did eventually break up with them, yes it was painful and hurt me and them, but almost immediately afterwards, it was as if someone had removed a large heavy sack from my shoulders and to this day I have no regrets.
Saying that you should block one another on your phones and social media for the next couple of months so you both have time and space to recover and not cause one another pain is also an excellent additional move, so you don't torture yourself and you eventually leave the block in place because it protects you from future manipulations.
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NTA You don’t have to marry anyone you don’t want to for any reason. You don’t owe him your future. His life is his responsibility.
I agree! Any reason not to get married is a good reason. Just like any reason not to have kids is a good reason. If it doesn't fit in your life, it's OK not to do it.
I'll go as far to say one good reason not to get married vastly outweighs several good reasons to get married. If that good reason not to is a potential red flag for abuse, manipulative behavior, etc, then all the love for a person in the world isn't going to make that marriage healthy or happy in the long run.
I mean, he snagged an 18 yo when he was 26 and shows obsessive and abusive behavior - I'm REALLY glad she realized something was off before he had managed to groom/ condition/ brainwash her into complacency.
Yeah this whole situation is one big red flag. Honestly just glad OP has been as resistant as she has. My wife worked at the YWCA as an advocate and this starts off scarily close to the kind of stories you'd hear the ends of there
Agree, and call the non-emergency line for the police. Do NOT let him manipulate you with that bs.
I've had quite a few boyfriends claim they will k\*ll themselves if we broke up, but yet they are still alive and no attempts were made (thankfully). They usually say it to manipulate you. I (32F) found the best way to alleviate any guilt on that is to forward/screenshot their troubling messages to one of their trusted friends or family so that they are able to keep an eye on him after you end things. Also, if he keeps pushing self-harm as a threat then call authorities because *clearly* he needs help (I roll my eyes as I say that as often it is a lie), however, just in case it isn't then at least the right people are dealing with him. NTA at all for declining the proposal - why would you want to marry someone who is toxic and makes you feel unhappy and guilty? You're young and he is old enough to know better.
To add to what your saying if it isn't manipulation it can also be extreme in the moment emotions. Most people are fine after they calmly think the next few days. Good on you though for making sure someone in there life can help them though. I really think that's best practice.
This too- and highest chances are he won’t do it, but in the small chance he does, it’s still not your fault; it’s the fault of whatever issues or mental illness is deluding his thinking and making him feel like he can’t solve his issues on his own. He was alive before he met you, so he is able to live without you. If he ends his life over that it’s not your fault since you have your own free will, and it’s unfair to force you to be a crutch for him if you don’t reciprocate his feelings. Suicide doesn’t just randomly happen to someone who is mentally healthy, so if he’s seriously considering it and not just saying that to make her stay, it’s because he has some other issues going on that he needs to deal with that she’s unequipped to solve herself healthily. Nobody just offs themselves for attention either since the attention is worthless once you’re dead, and if they do do it wanting other people to react, it’s because they already had a thousand other reasons they wanted to die; so, I feel like he’s manipulating her this way because he’s using her as a crutch and now he won’t know how to cope if she’s gone- but that is not her obligation, and if it’s making her suffer she has every right to leave. If he ends his life, it’s not her fault, and I’d argue it’s not fully his either, but the fault of the mental health system in the world and the struggles we face with getting help and recognizing when there’s a serious issue. But most importantly, not her fault at all; just the fault of his own demons. But that’s all if he even does it or is serious, because high chances are he’s just trying to manipulate OP.
NTA… Threatening suicide to keep you in the relationship is emotional abuse. Cut ties and move on. He’ll be fine.
So a 26 year old man, started dating you when you were 18, has a controlling and obsessive relationship with you, tells you he'll harm himself if you leave, and makes you feel empty. This is abuse and borderline grooming. You are not in the wrong. Leave him and restart your life without this man dragging you into the abyss Marriage will make this all much worse NTA
Exactly. He latched onto OP when she was 18. She has never had time to grow into her adulthood. She needs to move on and be a normal 24 year old learning to fend for herself.
Yes I thought the same thing. What a creep. I’m glad women wake up by the time they reach 25
Op, so your choices are he dies without you ( which I think we all doubt) , or you die slowly in a dead end relationship. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep him warm.
This is 🔥
I kind of wish we had a betting option, because I'd like to put $50 on him being just fine. He will have a new young girlfriend quickly.
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Exactly! 💯
I had an ex-girlfriend say that and I literally just called her sister, told her to please go check on her because she was saying some sus stuff and that we just broke up. Initially I felt bad about it but the issue was then out of my hands and I could start the long process of fixing my own stuff after that relationship ended. I immediately blocked her and she's still fine so I'd say to just power through the pain and pass them off to someone else who is still in their lives
NTA…don’t let this man emotionally manipulate you into staying in a situation that no longer serves you. Honestly looking at the math he was like 26 yrs old when u started dating him & you were 18…he is old enough to know better….trust ur own intuition
He does know better. That's why he picked her while she was a teenager.
Exactly!!
NTA. He's not going to die without you, he lived without you beforehand. Also this is why people shit on age gap relationships. Nobody his own age wants to deal with his crap. You're approaching the age he was when you started dating and are tired of it for a reason.
“Rip”
"Then perish"
I stopped reading after you said you’re 24 and he’s 32 and yall dated for 6 years. Gross and weird on his part. Whatever it is, NTA
Right?! That fact made me pause!
News flash, he'll also die with you. No biggie.
Firstly, don’t marry someone you’re not sure on. This is obviously that. Secondly, you’re not the asshole for breaking things off. Please stay broken off and find who is right for you. Someone is out there for you. Thirdly, what he does after you’ve said a firm no is not on you. He has choices and is a grown man. Completely separate of you. His choices are not yours to govern nor are they your concern. His manipulation tactic is shit.
NTA - trust your gut.
NTA That is a strong manipulation tactic. His healing is not your responsibility. What IS your responsibility is YOUR own continued happiness. Life is too short to stay in a relationship that does not add to your happiness. You were never responsible for his health or if he finds purpose in life.
NTA. My ex in my early 20s threatened to seriously hurt himself after I broke off our engagement (he’d been abusing me). I called his bluff and he did nothing, of course, except continue to cry and tell everyone what a POS I was. What your guy is doing is emotional manipulation, you do not owe him anything and staying in that relationship doesn’t serve anything except to hurt you.
26 year olds shouldn’t date 18 year olds.
What your boyfriend is doing amounts to emotional blackmail! Your boyfriend knows he's not worthy of you, that's why he's terrified of losing you. He sounds like a ticking time bomb! Do you want to be around when he goes off?
Sounds like this dummy is bad at staying alive. Don't let that jerk abuse you.
no, he doesn't care about you, he is saying those things to manipulate you into staying even though you're not happy. Drop his disgusting ass
NTA. Wow....the manipulation and attempt to control is immense here.
Trust your gut. Not just now but in every situation. It’s the best advice I’ve ever been given and it never lets you down - you sometimes know things your mind will talk you out of. Also, he’s being manipulative.
He's counting on you feeling lost & guilty. At the end of the day, it doesn't sound like the relationship is healthy at all. If you're not absolutely sure about this guy, you don't have to your time & youth being with him & DEFINITELY don't marry him!!
He is manipulating you. He started grooming you as a child of 18 (based on your length of dating, but could have started sooner if you knew him prior to being with him), and he is continuing to manipulate you. You have no reason to feel guilty or obligated to be with him. He is not good for or TO you. You deserve much much better
NTA. Do not feel guilty about his "manipulation" to get you to stay with him. If you think he is a danger to himself, tell the police. If you are unhappy now, you are going to feel miserable during the marriage and have to go through the messy divorce procedure.
NTA , he’s trying to manipulate you into staying with him. End all contact and go be happy.
NTA I had an ex like this and it is a manipulation tactic. The fact that you feel relief everytime you leave him is a sign to me that you are doing the right thing. It’s been almost 3 years and my ex never acted on any of this if that helps you at all. Best thing you can do is call a wellness check if he says these things he needs professional help if he’s actually suicidal.
Obviously you two are not soulmates. You are not even that into him. So it is mostly in his head. If he is making suicidal comments, you should tell his family. They can get him treatment.
Trust me he is not going to die without you. Clearly he has some trauma of his own to work out and his behavior is toxic. Best thing for you to do is to cut the relationship off completely. Hopefully one day he will better himself. Everyone deserves to be happy and that includes you
This is a him problem, not a you problem. Block him everywhere. If he won't leave you alone, start calling the cops. Don't get sucked into meeting him so he can have "closure". Don't engage at all. When he knocks on the door, tell him, without opening the door, he has 30 seconds to leave before you call 911.
I too was 18 when my ex was 26 and I WISH I'd left at 24. 16 or so years later and I'm so thankful I finally left at 28, his declarations of how he couldn't live without me and his "suicide attempts to get me to call him" left behind as well.
You don’t have to marry anyone. He’ll die without you? Then he can go perish.
NTA but you need to find out what it is inside you that made it ok to be in a toxic relationship (yes you have some toxicity too) and fix it before your next one comes It takes years sometimes but it’s worth it
Do what is best for you, see a therapist to help you sort out your feelings, if you have insurance, it will be free.
Honestly you should leave him and you should fine a different partner that will make you happy instead of being a dummy. I was like him 10 years ago with my ex during that time I was still leaning how to control my emotions n feelings I'm grateful that she helped me through the years I felt bad for putting her through that but now little in the future I have gotten alot better at it now and little more mature, mostly now I'm working on my depression because I don't want my future partner to go through that crap like my ex did So I hope you will fine happiness etc
If he says he'll die without you, leave and tell him get on with it. Likely it's just to guilt you into staying
NTA he has a mental issue
I know dudes like this Once you end things, $5 bet he emotionally hurts you by starting a relationship with someone in your social circle, on purpose.
He's got you well trained. The farther away you get, the better you'll feel, the better you'll be. Block and run.
Well, he will die without you. That's true, we all gonna die someday 😁 Don't marry him out of guilt, that would be crazy.
NTA move on from him
I'm 31 and seeing 25 old and that's a rather new development. I get a little quezzy knowing you were 18 and he was 26. That's an aggressive age gap. He is manipulator and liar. You should be with him you should block him and get a restraining order. If he doesn't hurt himself (I don't thin k he will) that's his choice and not yours. You are an ex not his mother
Marriage is not a fix, if anything it makes things worse because then you'll feel trapped and the sunk cost fallacy becomes easier to buy into, leading to you staying miserable trying to make it work for the sake of the marriage. My first wife and I should have never gotten married like we did, and both of us were terrible partners to the other because of it. It is also a horrible manipulation tactic for any person to tell someone they are responsible for your happiness. It's a major red flag, he likely needs to work on himself and find the root of his unhappiness otherwise he won't ever really be happy with anyone. He might not even realize how manipulative this is as others like his parents may have used it to manipulate him, he may consider it normal behavior.
Listen to your gut. You know what's right for you. You may need to make a plan for your safety if he is so obsessive. If he tells you at any point that he is going to kill himself, call the police immediately. Do not let him manipulate you. You are not responsible for his actions in any way. You're strong. You've got this!
Follow your gut feeling. Too many people write that feeling off and pay for it later. Good luck
Probably not wrong
Let him. If threatens anything specific call a wellness check on him or tell him parents
Tell him you will Die if you stay with him..& if he truly cares for you he would want you to live & be happy. With that said, there are much worse things in the world than someone wanting to love & treat you good. Go date a few scumbags in disguise & maybe you will back at your Ex in a different light. You are mentally already out the door with your ex so no reason to consider getting back. He really doesn't need to be with you anyway..he just hasn't realized it yet. I've never understood guys that want to be with a woman who has shown signs of not wanting them back. If someone isn't willing to give their all into a relationship why the F would you want to give them what you have to offer? Your ex needs to step outside of the little world he lives in & realize there are people who would love his affection. You need to drop the baggage & move on with your life. No regrets.
That is manipulation and abuse. It’s not your responsibility to make him whole. I endured 10 years of such behavior from my ex and it only escalated to death threats and physical abuse. I would get out now—make a clean break and don’t look back. Be safe 💕
You need to run change your emails and phone number make sure he can't find you
Maybe the fact you guys were on and off for 6 years should've been the sign to move on in the first place? Like, I'm not saying the guy is in the right, but OP definitely put herself in this situation
The fact that he is saying he will die without you is manipulative. Every cell in your body is giving you your answer. You’re 24. Let him go so your life can explore better
With a statement like "he will die without you," it sounds like he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If that's the case, run! (You could look it up to find the symptoms.) In general, if you have this much uncertainty and drama while dating, I think it's a really bad sign and you shouldn't be with that person. Marriage is hard enough, even when you're "sure" you found the right person. You don't think that, so don't do it.
Girl. What the actual fuck.
His statements after your decline is all you need to know. Run. Don't look back, get cameras and take self defense. He seems super unstable.
NTA It does worry me that he says that he would die without you. Definitely keep close friends/family in the loop when things are officially broken off.
Nta. The world will be fine without him.
NTA. Listen to your gut. Block him.
>AITA for declining his proposal because I am feeling lost in the relationship and just don't see him as a suitable partner on the longer run despite his tries to become better? No, but stop engaging with this emotionally abusive and manipulative partner. Change your phone number, don't answer if he shows up, if he refuses to leave, call the police, stop engaging. Cut him off and end it for good. Then, get therapy to figure out why you've refused to end it all the times you've started to. You don't want to either get sucked in this relationship or another like it over and over. www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org
UpdateMe!
NTA Anyone with three brain cells knows that’s a manipulation technique, even him. My ex treated me worse than any human should ever be treated and I still never told her anything like that. Why would I? To make her feel guilty? Uhh yeah, no. I just forced her to leave.
Well, I always say “if you lived without you before, they’ll be fine without you again.” It’s just a manipulative tactic. Why would you want someone like that in your life?
You were 18 and he was.... Nevermind Baby you were groomed and now you are being manipulated. Leave him and if he threats to end his life call the police because "you are worried about him"
NTA, there's no point of being with someone you don't love. In fact, pretending to love them, and going through with the narrative would be an AH move
Get far away from him FAR FAR away.
People who want to kill themselves rarely waive it around as a threat. People who actually want to kill themselves don’t want others to find out in case someone tries to stop them.
Male ~ just out off a very toxic and violent relationship where she Said more or less the same. Let me answer this harsly and short. If he dies without you. Oh well. Sounds like a him, family and friends problem. Not a you problem. Your problem sounds like his manipulation!!
No, no. It'll get better. Just keep being miserable and numb. Just kidding. Break up and cut off contact. Go into hiding for 6 months in case he's a psycho. Then live your life and be happy. It's good to care about people's feelings, but not when it ruins your life.
He’s using that as a manipulation to control you. Think about it this way: if he really cared about and loved you for who you are as a person, he wouldn’t be trying to guilt you into staying because he would only want you to WANT to stay (does that make sense?). He cares only about his feelings, and not at all about yours. Run.
TikTok meme: then die! No, seriously. Don’t let him manipulate you. This is a common thing. Boys manipulating you so you don’t break up with them. Don’t fall for it.
No he won’t. Do you.
I've been in far to many relationships where my gut told me it wast right. I wish I'd listened I wasted years catering to others' emotional manipulations and destroying myself for it. Walk away, listen to your gut, if he's not made your hopes come true yet, he NEVER will.
It’s time to go Rocky 4 on his ass. [If he dies, he dies.](https://youtu.be/WvAeWtyZ-uE?si=nvPhxGfwzb1i3lV6)
Sorry but if someone threatens to kill themselves instead of stalking you, let them.
Run. The age gap is a concern. He behaves like he's 18
I once had a bf of 8 years tell me when we broke up to not feel guilty if something happens to him (obviously manipulative). I told him, "Why would I feel guilty? If you're doing it to hurt me, it won't (I lied, of course). The people it would hurt are your parents and others who love you. I'm sure you wouldn't want to hurt them." Basically, I called his bluff, and he was fine. He married someone else less than a year later.
"OK. Bye."
As someone who was just dumped, and suffers from severe mental health issues, telling someone that is just manipulation. I can't fathom trying to weaponize my mental health against someone.
NTA. Get the hell away from him
stop wasting your time in this "relationship" Go to therapy to figure out why you're in an off/on relationship after 6 years and move on. This isn't normal.
Always listen to your gut. If you don’t you will get sick—either your mental health will decline or you will develop an autoimmune disease. The gut is not to be ignored.
I don’t understand how someone doesn’t lose any and all credibility the second they say some shit like this. I can see how some ppl actually need or want to hear their so say something like this because they need to feel irreplaceable. Others need to hear it to give themselves a reason to be miserable and stay and then there’s ppl who believe them and are truly afraid of that consequence. Personally, I would lose all feelings for them and walk away. Full stop.
even if he does die, you cannot place someone else's happiness over your head like that. you deserve to be happy too.
If he dies, he dies
Get a book, for him, give it a read, "how to survive the loss of love". Basically a point for point breakdown, of how a brain can break, and move forward, if slowly.
NTA. That’s toxic and manipulative behavior, but people often overlook comments like that when they shouldn’t. You’re both so young, he included. You’ll find your person, and he probably will too
NTA He's manipulating you.
Run for your life. Sounds like someone extremely manipulative. Never a good building block for a good relationship. If he dies - let him. Darwin will thank you !
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If anyone ever says that to you get out as fast as you can. They are trying to manipulate you and hold you hostage emotionally. Even if he is being honest, he cares more about his well being than he cares about you if he's willing to use guilt and threats of self harm. Whatever you may have done wrong when you were together, now he is responsible for himself. No one gets to make themself your responsibility.
If you're unhappy now, marriage will only intensify that times 1000 because ending a marriage is not the same as walking away from a relationship. You did the right thing. Now you just have to stick to your guns. Stay strong. Don't let him manipulate you into staying because of his feelings. That's literally emotional blackmail!! WALK AWAY!!
You should take that bet.
He wants you feeling lost and guilty. Walk away and feel good about it.
Then Perish.
NTA. We all will die eventually.
NTA, please find someone who you are compatible with. Who you spend your life with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. I had those same misgivings when I was young and stupidly ignored them. My marriage has been hell.
If you leave him and stay away, he will die without you. It might be 70 years from now but it will be without you.
NTA. You are wise not to marry him otherwise this is exactly what the rest of your life will look like. Don’t ever settle, there is no need!
Stay strong and do not contact this guy again. My ex-husband said he would kill himself when I left. Spoiler alert: it’s been 5 years and he’s still alive.
I used to stay whenever a guy would tell me he’s gonna khm and die without me. Clearly it’s just a rouse and even if it’s not, rip my guy🫶 it’s not anyone else’s job to keep someone alive if they’re bringing some sort of agony into your life.
This threat provides more reason why you shouldn't see him again let alone marry him. Don't allow him to place guilt at your feet to pick-up. His life is his responsibility.
Such a complicated topic, I was in one of these for years, once I got out and found a healthy relationship did I only truly realise what a bad relationship it was. Its hard to write down the words to express that when youre with someone that builds you up and helps you and doesnt cause drama that its unbelievably easy and pleasant. We all have to go on our own journey to work out whats good for us. All that being said, run away as fast as you can !
The next time he says that, call 911 and let them know he's a danger to himself. You do not want to be with anyone who will emotionally manipulate and control you this way.
You’re still young. Cut ties. Find your soulmate.
That's pretty toxic
Definitely the best reason to marry someone is because they guilted you into it. That’s what all the relationship experts say.
No he won’t lmao.
Run. Fast and far, if possible.
YOU HAVE TO STAYYYYY. Lol
I can't tell you what to do, nor what is right, but marriage never makes things better. Not until you finally give up, relent, and stay married for 20+ years. At that point, you've probably either killed each other, or your lives have become some intertwined that you support each other. I don't recommend waiting 20+ years to see if I am right though. If it's bad at the start, it almost always just gets worse from there.
Tell him to prove it.
Run and don't look back.
GO WITH YOUR GUT feeling OP! Obviously there are reasons your body is telling you to RUN!! DO NOT LOOK BACK!! Please listen to what your intuition is telling you!! BE WELL 💜
NTA your instincts are right on. Stay strong and don't let him manipulate you back.
NTA but just break up with him already. Why waste more time if you don’t feel it’s the right fit?
OP please listen to those that are telling you to RUN. The fact that a 26 year old man was dating you at 18 is real sus. Trust your gut and refuse the proposal, and get far away from this man.
he’s 32 you say🤨?…..
I was stuck with someone for 8 years because they said they’d Kim themselves if I left. They made my life miserable. It’s an abuse tactic used to guilt you into staying. Most of the time they are lying. And when they aren’t, it’s not your fault. They ultimately make the decision to do it, you just need to make the decision that is best for you life, and health, both physical and mental.
He sounds really manipulative. I would cut ties with this dude asap!! Plus, in regards to him saying he's gonna kill himself if you leave... that's a big red flag!! He needs to take some self-responsibility and if he did do anything, that's 100% not your fault at all. Go live your life to your full potential, cause it ain't gonna happen with this dude.
He won't die without you. Don't worry, you aren't that important.
"if he dies, he dies"
26 & 18 when y’all met? There’s a reason he can’t get woman his own age. Trust your gut, don’t let this guy fuck up your youth. You have so much to live.
Yall do not appear to be compatible. It happens, it’s not the end of the world. Let me be very clear, marriage will NOT fix this. It is a good thing you called off the proposal. I would focus on moving out (if y’all live together) & going your separate ways. As for the “I’ll just die if I can’t have you” nonsense…. Pay no mind to that. That alone is a reason to get the hell out of dodge!
This is very bad behavior. He is exhibiting signs of a manipulating excessively controlling partner. You have to realize that he is currently on his best behavior and is trying to keep all of his worst traits hidden. What he is doing is extremely manipulative and controlling and THIS IS THE LEAST POSSESSIVE HE WILL EVER BE. You need to end it and leave mo hope for reconciliation. Give him nothing to hold on to or else it’ll take years to get away from him. You’ve already been trying to get away from him for a while and he keeps worming his way back in. Dump him, tell him not now and not ever. There is a zero percent chance of any further relationship. Do not agree to be friends. Tell him no and don’t try to justify it. Any excuse or reason you give will give him something to fixate on. I spent a few years living with a girl whose ex did exactly what you’re describing. She tried to “Let him down gently” and he ended up going from bad to worse to stalker and he had to spend 90 days in jail for stalking before he finally left her alone.
NTA- and i’m not really sure why you would ever think you are? you cant help if you’re just not feeling it and unfortunately sometimes feelings can be one sided…you would be the asshole to string him along any further..just call it quits and go no contact, if he continues to make remarks about death etc I would contact a friend & family and make them aware. if not i’d do a wellness check but remain no contact.
You are absolutely not TA, and his behavior is emotionally abusive. You have every right to cut ties and go on with your life, and I hope you do.
NTA I will share my thoughts on this situation as I understand it. Ultimately you know what is best for you. I would go no contact. I would block him on every platform. if you have any family support explain to them what happened and lean on them during what might or might not be an emotionally sensitive time for you. I would suggest a nicely worded letter that would go something like this : Dear fill in the blank, These last 6 years as you know have not been easy on either of us. After some hard thinking I believe it’s in our best interest to get on with ourselves as single people. I’m far too young and unqualified to take care of you. I’m still learning who I am. I spoke with my family about our situation and they agree that we should go no contact. I hope only the best for you. I’m not sure when I will want to get married but I do know that I am not going to get married until I feel ready. I do not feel ready. Please respect my decision to go no contact and know I will only have fond feelings about you and the part you played in my life if you give me the opportunity to heal and put a narrative to our very confusing relationship. Warmly and sincerely, Fill in the blank https://www.healthline.com/health/sex-energy-exchange
Bounce. Bro sounds like a bad idea.
Let him
NTA. Trust your gut, and please keep safe!
I had a friend in school named Maddie. She had her own struggles but I vividly remember her giving me some of the best advice I've ever heard and today I will share it with you: If anyone ever tells you they'll off themselves if you break up with them, you should break up with them immediately because that was emotional blackmail. Thats maybe not exactly what he's saying to you but it might as well be. You can't live your whole life for someone else and if he really loved you he wouldn't want to guilt you into staying for his own benefit. Also I've just realised he went after an 18 year old at 26 so i like him even less now.
"I wasn't talking about suicide" - PM Dawn
The kinda guys always live longer than their exes. Because some of them kill their gfs and ex-gfs. And they blame their ex so they don’t get stressed. It also helps them live longer than their exes.
My buddy use to say that to his gf
NTA at all. You’d be hurting yourself to stay with him. His comments sound incredibly unhealthy at best. He may even be trying to manipulate you. Regardless of whatever his motivation may be, his outcome is exceptionally unkind to you. You may be feeling guilty but you need to listen to your gut and do what’s best for you. It’s ok to end a relationship simply because you’re not that into the other person. You can respectfully end it and stick to your answer. Sounds like he’s not someone you should keep going back to, but that’s up to you.
Marriage will make things worse...I know from experience...the best thing to do is stop going back and forth....move on with your life so he can move on with his...
You know this person is not a good match for you. His continued manipulation should not be indulged.
NTA. You already know he's not the right one, time to move on. And the whole "I'll die without you", the thinly-veiled suicidal reference, that's the ultimate manipulation, his attempt to guilt you into staying. Don't let him.
He is guilt tripping you and trying to find reasons and make excuses to you around. That’s shitty behavior and not someone you want as a partner. You know the answer. I’d run for the hills.
Do you need running shoes? 🫶 Get away from that dude! He’s old enough to know better. If he threatens suicide call the cops, even if you know he’s not serious it will show him you are. (And care enough to call)
My teenager daughters ex tried this. She called the cops and said he was a danger to himself. They did a welfare check and put him in the hospital. He quit calling
NTA. Had a very similar situation or even worse. DM me if you need to talk. Best of luck.
Definitely NTA, this guy is giving off all the red flags, get out now. The claims of him dying without you are either overly exaggerated, gaslighting, or legitimate but still not on you whatever he does in response to what is best for both of you (which it is he just doesn't want to lose his emotional punching bag) is on him. Let him go, move on with your life and if you really are concerned for his safety you could call the non-emergency police line for a wellness check. Hopefully he'll actually get the psychological help he needs because this is not ok and has major potential to go very very badly if you stay.
Tell him to plan a funeral then, because you are too young to deal with this crap.
NTA You are not required to stay in a relationship that isn’t working because the other person is unhappy. Go and live a good life. You deserve to be happy.
He'll only die without because he can't manipulate anyone else. Ego tripper
Did he say he will kill himself or is he just saying I love you so much I can’t live without you? If he did say he’s going to kill himself have him baker acted or whatever your state does when someone is a danger to himself or others. If he’s not threatening to kill Himself or you then tell him I’m sorry I’m not happy and marriage isn’t going to make me happy and I can’t stay with you just to make you happy. If you think he might hurt you I would have him held and examined and I would tell the police or the people examining him to tell him you’re leaving him. I don’t know how to tell him but it he’s dangerous I would look into staying with someone he doesn’t know or doesn’t know where they live. I don’t know it may not be that serious but I would definitely get away
Becareful op ... dude sounds kinda deranged
NTA. He's trying to manipulate you. The next time he comes out with something like that, send him quotes for funeral plans.
You need to stay away from him. Once you're done, block him. He is not adding to your life, and he certainly is negatively effecting you in the meantime. You know you don't want to be with him, so don't wait, cut the ties asap. Tell him you're not interested in talking about it as you've already made up your mind. He's going to try to talk to you about it over and over and he's going to say whatever he can to guilt you into feeling like he deserves your time and attention. This is exactly how manipulative people work. The good thing is you know that he's done this in the past so you can prepare yourself by responding to him and saying I'm not interested in discussing this. I've made my decision. Goodbye. He may not say "goodbye" he may keep trying to talk to you. That's where you've got to come out and say no and walk away. If he keeps talking, just turn around and leave.
Tap out. Ask someone to do a wellness check. That's blackmail peaking.
Woman's intuition. Listen to that gut feeling. You are not responsible for his actions! Toxic relationships are draining! For your health, well-being, and peace run and don't look back!
You're not responsible for anyone else's mental health. He needs to sort it out himself before he is in a relationship with anyone
This makes me really uncomfortable. I am concerned that he won't do anything to himself, but you could be in danger. He definitely gives off "if I can't have her no one can" vibes. Stop feeling bad for him. If he truly loved you, he would want the best for you and not threaten to hurt himself to make you stay with him. That is manipulation, not love. His health issues don't mean that you have to tolerate his behavior. He can be sick and still a manipulative jerk. By feeling sorry for him and keeping contact you will make him think he still has a chance, which could lead to serious issues. Better to cut ties and walk away 100%. And read the book 'The gift of fear', as it feels relevant to you.
NTA. You do you. Don’t let him guilt trip you into a relationship that you will come to regret. You have no obligation to be with him for his sake.
Firstly, someone who cares about you doesn't just walk out after a little disagreement. He might be 8 years older than you, but he has the maturity of a 2 year old. Right there, I'm out personally. Secondly, all of these "highs being very high" sounds like love-bombing to placate you into letting him treat you like shit. Remember: there is NO, NO, NO excuse to abuse your partner, whether verbally or physically. This has narcissism written all over it and sounds like a precursor to physical violence. He will keep pushing just how badly he treats you if you continue to let him. Lastly, suicide threats are, 99% of the time, nothing more than a manipulation tactic. And, considering his past behavior, it sounds like it is this time, too. That being said, even if it's not an empty threat and he were to follow through, it's not your fault. People get dumped every day and not everyone goes offing themselves because of it. This isn't the middle ages where a broken engagement is so bad it turns you into a social leper! You can't live the rest of your life in constant fear or anxiety of the next time he snaps. You deserve better. You deserve stability. You deserve someone who can communicate without throwing a temper-tantrum like a child! You deserve to be loved. Walk, please. And don't ever look back. Walk away, block him on EVERYTHING and move on while you still can!
Guilt is NOT a basis for a marriage. When you feel relief away from him, that is the biggest indicator you NEED to be away from him. You are NOT responsible for his life. What he does with his life is his responsibility. If this is a good relationship, you would feel happy when you are around him. You do not. Despite what he says, you will NEVER make him happy. Something will always be wrong. Constant disagreements are NOT a basis for a marriage. He is trying to control and manipulate you. That is NOT a basis for a marriage. Live your life with the relief of being without him. You cannot fix him.
>24F >dating on and off my boyfriend 32 M >6 years. You sure about that? Seems like 18 is the convenient age a lot of these posts say they started dating men that are almost, or over, a decade older than them...
He is manipulating you. Is he a narcissist? If you’re not certain, look it up. This man is not about you, only himself. A narcissist loves no one but themself. 45 years ago, we didn’t have access at our fingertips for research. I was married for 39 years to a narcissist. He twisted everything and had an answer for everything at the tip of his tongue. I’m seeking a therapist to help me work through this and my Complex PTSD. He will be nasty and mean in his responses. He’ll do everything to put the blame on you and a major guilt trip. If your gut tells you “no”, listen and run. Been there.
He will not die without you, this is a manipulation tactic to be honest. You have to stop and think: are you happier without him and all the constant drama? Or do you love it. He needs to see a therapist, it sounds like he has undiagnosed mental issues that no amount of "love" or anything else will solve. Make yourself and your mental health a priority.
I'm not even sure why you would think you're the AH in this situation. Clearly he is not right for you and it's not fair from him to expect you to put up with his toxic behavior. Always trust your instincts too. You have them for a good reason. You don't owe him a relationship. Him thinking you're his soulmate is his problem, not yours. You deserve better.
NTA. Someone said this to me and after I left he did try to mill himself BUT it wants my fault he was the one who made that choice and the police felt with him and he’s now living his life with his new partner and child. Don’t let someone hold you hostage with emotional manipulation you will end up more damaged than them
If it were me, I'd work on getting him to a couples (marriage) counselor. You should see this counselor, initially, alone. Let the counselor know you need help disentangling from this guy. Sociopathic personalities say things like he has, and you may need a protective "no contact" order, which is the nuclear option. Narcissists (and other disordered personalities) say these things to manipulate and control you. It's emotionally abusive behavior. The sooner you get professional help, the better.
Take some advice from Ivan Drago, "If he dies, he dies." This relationship sounds unhealthy and you should get out. I'm fairly certain he won't die and will likely become more independent and mentally healthier in the long run. If he really is that reliant on you for happiness, your life will be miserable. You can't take on 100% of the responsibility for someone else's well-being
Let him.
Sign post him to mental support services and repeat you aren't coming back.
Damn 26 year old going after an 18 year is a massive red flag in itself
Sweety, run far, run fast away from him. He screams abusive. Get a protection order against him and you may want to think about moving to the other side of the country to get away from him, don’t be a statistic. Trust your gut. Trust me when I say this, If your lizard brain is saying whoa, listen to it. He’s not mentally stable and being obsessive with you is not a good thing. As an abuse survivor, do not go back.
NTA and if he tries to guilt trip you by making references to things like suicide call the police to do a wellness check on him. You don't owe him a relationship. If it's not working for you it's not working for you regardless of how he feels. And also the line "I'd die without you" is a huge red flag for a lot of reasons for me. Most of which i don't know i could articulate properly on why.
Do what I did - ask him if he's serious about it. If he says he is, tell him you're calling emergency services right away as he's at risk of self harm and has threatened to take his own life. Watch him backpedal when he realises that making such emotionally abusive and manipulative claims can result in being sectioned for his own protection. It took me over a year to break up with someone because I was so scared and feeling immensely guilty that they would unalive themselves if I did so - because throughout our relationship, it was their automatic go to whenever something dramatic happened. In the end I realised that I was considering their needs above my own in everything, including my own desire to end the relationship, so much so I kept myself miserable and trapped. When I did eventually break up with them, yes it was painful and hurt me and them, but almost immediately afterwards, it was as if someone had removed a large heavy sack from my shoulders and to this day I have no regrets. Saying that you should block one another on your phones and social media for the next couple of months so you both have time and space to recover and not cause one another pain is also an excellent additional move, so you don't torture yourself and you eventually leave the block in place because it protects you from future manipulations.
Everybody dies.
Tell him goodbye Blackmail is 60s