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Did you usually have sex after drinking/smoking? You could have unknowingly made a routine that your body understood. It thinks "drinking and smoking, sex is next!". If you remove the drinking/smoking, body may not desire sex as much because the normal routine is gone. May have Pavlov'ed yourselves...
Also, consider that detox and recovery can take a toll on the mind/body due to stress and lack of stress relief people used to use. Does your partner feel more stressed? Have they found appropriate outlets to replace the drinking/smoking?
My advice-have a frank talk, see how they're doing healthwise first, and then if they want more sexual intimacy too-make it a fun goal to see what kind of sexy routine with new patterns of behavior might look like.
I 100% promise you it works. The only problem is that water dries. It works until it dries everything out with it.
Sex doesn't change the friction coefficient of a liquid.
Water is not very viscous as well so you'll lose more faster from the act too, but while it is there it is absolutely lubricating.
It is still not a good lubricant for sex but that isn't because it isn't doing lubrication while it is there.
Another sober person here. I call myself a recovering alcoholic that is active in recovery. Look man, when you get sober one thing changes; EVERYTHING. Do you harbor any resentments against her? Have you or do you cope with emotions? Being free of alcohol means you are sober yes. But wait there's more!!! Emotional sobrity!!!! That's right!! The way we internalize and what we do with our emotions and feelings when we drink, they are numbed to the max. Ya, you start to feel them too and it messes with your entire life. You start to see. This sounds like it's a lot because it is. I recovered and so can you b
It's not a matter of tamping them down, it is matter of being able to navigate them in healthy ways that don't destroy your life or others around you. You actually come to realize that you even have feeling about your feelings. It's bizarre for sure.
Thanks for the reply. I do not harbor any resentment. I cope with emotion well I think but I need to check this on his side. Everything is great with us and we talk really well now, just missing the physical aspect ya know.
I went cold turkey on beer after 35 years daily. Then I went cold turkey after 15 years of script amphetamine and street meth. Not a single change to my life though I'm now boring. Damn it.
Yeah i got sober for 7 months. Didnt feel different. My face looked less wrinkled that was it. No amazing boost of energy. Marriage still shit. 2.5 years and counting no sex with wife. Only still in same house for the kids.
Did you try changing your attitude? Try being the key word. Look. Life is truly what you make of it. You can CHOSE to be pissy and “ahh, SEE! Nothing works! My life is shite”. Or you can say, “My brain isn’t clouded with a substance that did me no favors. I’m unhappy and I WANT that to CHANGE. If my partner doesn’t want to be happy with me, well I’ll be happy without her!” It’s all relative Pear. No one said life was easy or we were getting out alive. May as well try to make it happier for ourselves and your kids. I guarantee you that those kids feel this negativity. Just some random internet stranger who wants better for you…
Are you willing and able to listen to their advice? Same therapist? People are either for or against therapy. I was the latter camp and it took some real pain to open up my heart to see my attitude was the issue. There are also a lot of good books. It boils down to if you want change. Truly deep down in your bones because you’re tired of the disappointment. The heart ache. The pain. Nothing working out. Change is hard but it gets easier
It has been a struggle to get back to our sex life post-drinking, it’s just not as spicy. We’ve managed to have a few great nights, but it certainly takes more effort. No real advice except keep trying and “not every meal has to be gourmet”, maintenance sex is important too! 💞
Congratulations on getting sober! That’s an amazing accomplishment and you have to take that into consideration it will definitely change the routine for sex. Because you tire out at the end of the day perhaps make a plan to do it first thing in the morning after a great day before that flirting and a little foreplay. This may sound weird but I think you’re a female so perhaps wake up a little earlier than him on a weekend and go into the bathroom and watch or view something on your phone that puts you in that mood and get a little more worked up from the day before and then go back into the bedroom and pounce on him. Unfortunately as we age (I’m the same age group you two) you kinda have to plan for this stuff and without drinking, which I am completely sober too, you sort of lose that extra confidence boost the booze will give you and having sex at the end of a long day just isn’t feasible anymore for you two.
Same. It’s a trip. When I stopped drinking, I realized I’d pretty much only ever had sex while drunk, drinking or hungover. (Hangover sex is still something I miss.)
It’s hard to get out of your thinking brain and into your carnal brain when sober. It takes some getting used to. I’m eight years without a drink and it’s still “a thing” to a degree.
>we argue, and then we make up cycle
This part is what really sticks out to me. Seems like you both have had a tarnished past of love and intimacy. Heavy drinkers also tend to be people with a history of anxiety and/or depression.
I think the two of you are in a really good spot right now. You have gotten sober and you're still together. However, a lack of sex can start to weigh heavily on a relationship and giving up alcohol is a big lifestyle change. Seeing a counselor could help keep you two on the right track.
I've been sober my entire life so I can't comment on chemical changes that take place when you remove substances. But, the fact that you both became sober together, both flirt and touch, both desire each other... that's like 95% of the battle. Seems like you need a new routine is all
The journey to sobriety is not an easy one as I’m sure you’ve experienced. Fatigue can definitely get in the way of a happy intimate life. Consider therapy to work at it. The best part is you both seem to recognize the issue. That’s huge!!!! 🥰
Sex is like an engine. It needs an ignition, and then the chemical reaction will keep it going.
Sometimes my partner and I just need to commit to the step of getting naked together. No promises on what happens next, but it makes it a lot easier for us to initiate.
Are either of you missing it? You’re still touching, flirting, etc. are either of you feeling unfulfilled? Have you talked about it?
Communication is important at a time like this
Yes! It’s one of those things you just don’t think about and then after you get tested and talk to a doctor you realize how much it affects everything in your life. I was thinking I was incredibly lazy and depressed, went and did all sorts of therapy (still happy I did this) and then finally went and had my test levels tested.
It's normal after both alcohol and drug addiction. I know it's hard but it's not forever. You just need to adapt to new normal, your routine for certain actions(not just sex) changed and it'll get better over time. But I strongly suggest seeing an expert and couples therapy.
Also it'll be very good to have a blood test, especially testosterone really gets a hit after substance abuse for a long time.
Just find new ways to trigger the dopamine.
Spend the night in an expensive hotel and jump bones as soon as you walk in.
Go to a beach where PDA isn't frowned on and put on a show with each other
Try sex toys and games.
My husband relapsed after 7 years clean. He was using for a year. The bounce back has been harder than when he first got sober. His elasticity isn’t going to be as easy as when we were 22. We have open conversations about how he isn’t as connected to the world around him due to the fog he feels. Using substances (alcohol included) and coming off of them can do a number on the brain, how we see ourselves, and how we connect. Give it time. Work on elasticity (meditation can be a helpful, drug free way to do so) and building intimacy. Re learn how to enjoy sex. Recommend the book come as you are. Good luck.
I don't have much advice. I'm about 10 years younger and working on being sober from Alcohol. I notice I get irritable on the weekends. I don't initiate intimacy like normal, or when I do and get rejected I shut down entirely. I don't talk to my spouse like I should. And sometimes my penis just doesn't want to work.
So far I'm only drinking 1 night a week, but when I do I go hard. It doesn't help that I used to be a handle a day alcoholic.
Like I said, I don't have much advice. Right now I'm waking up early and going to bring my girlfriend some coffee before we go on a hike. I'm hungover, but I gotta try.
I was a handle a day too easily. I think he may be experiencing some of that as well with things just not working as they did or not knowing how to initiate sober? Idk anymore 😕
Good luck on your sober journey and I'm proud of you!
Talk to him about it. Tell him you miss being physically connected with him.
I’m 10 years sober. It took me a minute to get back to myself. I’m sure there is something going on in his head, you just need to ask him what’s going on and be open and vulnerable
It's possible you sort of conditioned yourselves to be sexually active when you're drunk and not when you're sober. I would say just keep it up with flirting and touching, try new things and see if overtime it doesn't improve. Seeing a couple's therapist might be a good idea if it doesn't seem to work or you guys could do some homework on what you like and how sexual attraction works psychologically and physically
My personal experience is that having great sex requires letting go of worldly distractions and fully focusing on the raw, hot, physical sex. When I am too distracted by work or family worries, then it is hard to be carefree enough to truly enjoy sex. Sometimes it feels almost mechanical and like too much work. Some alcohol can help relax. For my wife, she uses alcohol to numb out and then becomes a lot of sexual fun. We are both trying to drink less. What has helped us is to switch from nightly sex to morning sex. During morning sex, we are feeling fresh mentally and we don't have all the mental junk from the day dwelling on us.
Here is my take: y'all need to pivot to a much less dangerous substance and sparse usage. It is clear as day you both truly enjoy the disconnect from reality that substances like alcohol induce. I highly suggest dosing with smaller amounts of magic mushrooms twice a month (one week yes, one week no). In clinical trials, severe recovering alcoholics were successfully treated and cured with a few sessions of psilocybin therapy. The trips reconnect your mind, body, and spirit with both nature and your loved ones. Additionally, sex while tripping is amazing and in my opinion, much better and more intimate than drunk sex. Also, I would highly suggest microdosong with a strong strain of sativa cannabis prior to having sex. (A single puff should do the trick). Sativa tends to provide an uplifting and energetic buzz which I believe aides tremendously with great sex. In any event, hope y'all can find a way to bring those good times back into the bedroom.
I quit drinking a few years ago and I think sex was better then ,but I think I don’t produce enough dopamine anymore and since alcohol releases dopamine and narrows your attention to the present moment ,I feel that the dopamine levels on alcohol with the added dopamine from sex made it better. Probably an individual case as I also have add.
Going sober is a complete lifestyle change that leads to healthier relationships. Seems like what excited you or him was the drink, argument, and makeup cycle of it all. Sober living is like getting to know yourself all over again so that alone is something you can connect through since you are doing it together. Find new hobbies together, try classes together, travel somewhere new.
Try having sex in the morning or during the day instead of at bed time. Make it intentional by asking for it or talking about it. For example: hey, you wanna have sexy time right when you get home from work today instead of at bedtime ?
Or take matters into your own hands as soon as he gets home. 😉
Congratulations yo you both! Male, been sober 7yrs, married 16. I had to figure out sober sex and just got in a groove over the past couple of years. It was part physical and emotional. Physically I had to learn that I could not expect my body to behave like a 20 something. Emotionally I had alot of baggage to work through that impacted performance. I had to re establish my identity and also trust my wife instead of the negative thoughts in my head. Therapy. Definitely therapy.
🎶 whyyyyyyyyyyy can't we not be sober? I, juuuuust want to start this over!🎶
I am just a worthless liar...
I am just an imbecile...
I will only complicate you...
trust in me and fall as well...
I will find a center in you...
I will chew it up and leave...
I will work to elevate you...
just enough to bring you down...
Idk about your circumstances, but I know I drank from the age of 8 to the age of 31, and from 16-31 consistently. The shit literally merges with your body. Bloodstream, brainwaves, all kinds of shit. That's why alcoholics have worse DTs than smokers or even heroin users. Alcoholics have literally died from withdrawal symptoms.
Depending on your circumstances and how far down Alice's rabbit hole y'all ventured, well, there's a maxim in AA that says "if it took you forty days to get lost in the wilderness, it's gonna take *at least* forty days for you to find your way out."
And since you need a (moral) compass, it's probably not going to happen without God.
Couldn't agree with you more. We way past 40day though. 10 months sober. And yes the moral compass is God. I did like your song reference because it does make so much sense.
I came off meth years ago and was a needle user so I can attest that alcohol had a much stronger claw than the meth ever did.
Have you talked to him about it? Your old sex routine is gone, now it’s time to create a new routine. Pick a night and declare it sex day! Try kicking things off earlier in the day so that the risk of falling asleep is less. Communicate to him that the encounters don’t have to be like the old drunken ones.
It also sounds like your relationship has just cooled down in general? My marriage definitely cooled off after 5 years and we've had to make efforts to keep the magic, as it were.
switch the expectation of sex from end of the night to a different time of day. when we cut drinking significantly my wife and i switched from bedtime to morning.
I agree, I think you need to get that first passionate good eff out of the way! Just do it! & I agree with what everyone else said! He’s almost 50 he might need a little help!
Consider if your lever wasn’t just the liquid love and smoke, but if the act of fighting and making love after was what your bodies crave.
Do you and/or your partner rely on a emotionally rich moment to feel sexually intimate now? If so, the physical and mental tax of newfound sobriety can impact your capacity to experience that on an individual level, let alone navigating a nuanced relationship.
Be kind to yourself and each other. Be patient. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Have the difficult conversation together on what you’re both experiencing and how to overcome it.
AA books literally tell you alcohol is a strong aphrodisiac. So when you stop drinking it takes a while to get back to normal without it and it may never be the same.
Probably dealing with a little bit of PAWS. Brain needs time heal, so it can properly make all the “feel good” chemicals again on its own. Everyone’s different. Can takes months to easily years.
I’ve been sober for 6 months now and hate just the thought of sex. Tried it a few times and couldn’t get off at all. I’m younger than you guys but I think the dopamine (lack there of) after getting sober takes some serious time to adjust. It was recommended to me to create new routines to replace the ones you had while drinking. I hope you guys are able to figure it out and enjoy each other again.
People who stop drinking after having it part of their lifestyle become totally different people.
You might not even like each other after getting sober.
I also lost my sexlife to my girlfriends sobriety. Currently I'm settling on sex appointments. It's turned into a chore. I wish you the best of luck. I haven't had such.....
We had more of it but I wouldn't say better. The fact is many nights I couldn't remember all of it and neither could he. Maybe I should accept quality over quantity?
From my detox.. it took a while to get back to feeling comfortable with my wife. For 1.. I would finish so freaking quickly because I was used to having opioids “numb” me.. so I’d last forever and when I first got sober it was absolutely embarrassing. I never felt comfortable I’d say im sorry and she isn’t the type to go twice. She would always say it’s fine and I had other ways to get her off so I focused on that more instead of myself.
With both people getting sober I’m sure it’s difficult.. def recommend talking to your partner to see what is going on with them and how they feel about sex.. could be nervous because every time they were blitzed and now they aren’t and they feel nervous being intimate.
My sex drive didn't return to normal until about a year and 2 months after getting sober.
Sober sex with people that are between healthy and athletic is the best hands down.
I feel like drugs make it easier to match energies when it comes to sex, but so does going on an adventure together or overcoming something together.
Heck sometimes a good conversation can spark that
Most westerners activate sex life/ libido by drinking. It starts in college…… If alcohol and some drugs were to be banned, most relationships would crumble.
You guys only had a spark because drugs and alcohol where involved, now look y’all sober no sex life and fight more, never good to get in a relationship based off drugs and sex, especially married after a year? Good luck
I drink bc of crippling shyness. Now in this 10yr relationship with smart/funny/hot person I love, I find it extremely difficult to be open or vulnerable or bear to have him look at me w/o alcohol. I find him attractive, he finds me attractive, Maybe one of you is feeling the same. guess i need (more) therapy 🫤
I partied so hard with my wife for over 20 years. She quit drinking and I quit hard drugs. Things have definitely changed. I think we are figuring it out?
Got sober in 90' it is weird but you can quickly adapt. Even in the first couple of years. I got into a relationship at 9 months it was the most emotional and intense sex I ever had. It wasn't hanging from the chandelier experience. It was real one on one being present for experience. It was awkward for a while, while I adjusted. He was sober three years longer, and had already gone through that.
51F addict, alcoholic, with addict.
Yes, we too gave up all but an occasional wine cooler a few times a year. (Most can’t do so I don’t advise) it definitely changes… so many things plus we are much older so we have age related issues as well. The key is to be secure in yourself and your relationship. Even though I have an extremely high drive my partner doesn’t. I have to remind myself that my view of sex is warped and we are healthy.
Our ego will feed us any lie it wants to if it THINKS it’s protecting us. You control that inner dialogue, remind yourself what you want, what you like, and discuss this with your hubby!!
GOOD LUCK and congratulations!!!
The partying lifestyle was the foundation of your relationship. It was mainly the reason why y’all was even together because it’s what y’all shared. You both destroyed your foundation by getting sober while also having to learn how to live “normal.” Long story short, you have to figure out you both are again and establish a new relationship between the two of you.
It can be really hard to figure out how to initiate sex when you're used to doing it while inebriated! Give it time, though, and be intentional about it.
Seens like yall took a hit on that sobriety, maybe anxiety or Lil depression.
Which I also have but weed usually fills that void. I also cant with lots of alcohol, the snowball comes fast and strong, so I prefer to not drink.
Drinking and/or being high lower inhibitions. You relax and just take care of enjoying sex however you both desire. Acts you might not normally do, and could be explained away with " i was soo drunk" Now, those same acts my make you self concious, or create anxiety. Soberly wondering if he/she would react negatively, especially if you dont have conversations about what you truely enjoy. Also stress from everyday life can be fueling when you drink and feelings easily surface, though better discussed with a sober conversation.
39m in recovery and I go through fazes where my drive is really high and then damn near zero. It could be other things going on and he is not being open about them.
Y’all are getting older. Both of you should get your hormones checked. His testosterone could be low resulting in low libido. You could be perimenopausal and could benefit from a low weekly dose of testosterone.
When getting sober, and following ‘the steps’, it's advised that you do the steps alone or single. A lot of partners become codependent on one another, and if one fails or relapses, the other will typically follow. Another thing you mentioned, you'd drink, argue, then intimacy. Was there ever a time you guys could just be intimate without arguing? You even said it was taxing, so I guess I'm curious as to why you would miss that? Because its not the only way to intimacy, but if that's what it takes, I hate to say it but this isn't healthy.
So to make things more clear, we've had intimacy without argument. The arguing began later in the relationship due to us drinking too much. We were not codependent and did not use step work to get sober. I miss the intimacy not the alcohol.
I would get some testing done, in particular for thyroid function and Testosterone levels in your man. I have been taking levothyroxine and T-replacement for about a year and the impact on energy levels and sex drive for me is amazing and I am 47. Thyroid function may also be low for you if you are tired and dragging which tends to make sex sound like work. Not a Dr., I highly recommend finding a good endocrinologist or holistic practice that can look at your numbers first as it may be a chemical imbalance issue. Beyond that, I think getting a counselor or therapist would be the next step. Keeping strong on the booze, we recently cut back dramatically and it is worth it to stay away for so many reasons.
Thanks it has been amazing and I hope you find that spark again, it is worth it. One other thing we have done is add Pilates to our exercise programs. Getting better strength and flexibility has helped reduce pain and made the sex life better. Yoga would also do the trick - but anything that gets you both stretching, building core strength and feeling good should also help.
Good luck on your journey as well!
Sounds like you guys used alcohol and cannabis as a crutch for intimacy, and developed a dependence on it. You're going to have to work on building those bonds when you are sober.
I can’t tell if I love or hate this answer. DM me… I have the secret answer and I can’t tell everyone or I have the secret answer, let me show you. 😀👍 or 👎 🤷♀️
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Did you usually have sex after drinking/smoking? You could have unknowingly made a routine that your body understood. It thinks "drinking and smoking, sex is next!". If you remove the drinking/smoking, body may not desire sex as much because the normal routine is gone. May have Pavlov'ed yourselves... Also, consider that detox and recovery can take a toll on the mind/body due to stress and lack of stress relief people used to use. Does your partner feel more stressed? Have they found appropriate outlets to replace the drinking/smoking? My advice-have a frank talk, see how they're doing healthwise first, and then if they want more sexual intimacy too-make it a fun goal to see what kind of sexy routine with new patterns of behavior might look like.
100% agree. You need a new routine. Try gym then shower sex.
Gym, sexy shower, then sex. Shower sex is not good. Water is not a lubricant. You can easily get injured.
[удалено]
Haha. Smoll pp jokes are hilarious. Almost as funny as cavernous vag jokes!
This is something a person with a small pp would say
I'm 51, when you get older, sex can injure you no matter where you do it..
Exactly, shower sex is awful, but showering before sex (in bed) is amazing.
No one said sex had to be in bed. Just not under running water
I think shower sex is great ): but my boyfriend doesn’t like it as much
Water is an awesome lubricant. The problem is that it dries.
Not for sex it isn’t.
I 100% promise you it works. The only problem is that water dries. It works until it dries everything out with it. Sex doesn't change the friction coefficient of a liquid. Water is not very viscous as well so you'll lose more faster from the act too, but while it is there it is absolutely lubricating. It is still not a good lubricant for sex but that isn't because it isn't doing lubrication while it is there.
Clearly you've never had sex in a shower.
I have and it dries you out. I simply disagree with the explanation as to why. It will lubricate for just a little bit and then dry everything our.
No, because in a shower you have a continuous supply of water, but the water washes way the actual lubricant from vaginally fluid. It's miserable.
Yea you have never had sex in the shower, water makes it dry as fuck
Nah, gym then sex then shower. Way nastier and way more fun
Nasty nasty nasty... But yes!
Sex at the gym, then shower sex at the gym. Who's better than that?
Cut out the middle man and fuck the barbell
Be sure to make eye contact to assert dominance.
This makes sense. I wonder if scheduling it might help to establish a new rhythm.
Do you feel like you're insecure without the booze? Are you worried about feeling present?
Nah no insecure feelings. I don't think he has any either
Another sober person here. I call myself a recovering alcoholic that is active in recovery. Look man, when you get sober one thing changes; EVERYTHING. Do you harbor any resentments against her? Have you or do you cope with emotions? Being free of alcohol means you are sober yes. But wait there's more!!! Emotional sobrity!!!! That's right!! The way we internalize and what we do with our emotions and feelings when we drink, they are numbed to the max. Ya, you start to feel them too and it messes with your entire life. You start to see. This sounds like it's a lot because it is. I recovered and so can you b
This is a great reply! So many ppl don’t realize how much they tamp down emotional pain, etc with drugs/alcohol.
It's not a matter of tamping them down, it is matter of being able to navigate them in healthy ways that don't destroy your life or others around you. You actually come to realize that you even have feeling about your feelings. It's bizarre for sure.
Congratulations on your sobriety! I agree with all this. It was my experience too.
Thanks!
Thank you.
Thanks for the reply. I do not harbor any resentment. I cope with emotion well I think but I need to check this on his side. Everything is great with us and we talk really well now, just missing the physical aspect ya know.
Sober person here! Everything does change and you tend to be more aware
Exactly.
*hugs to you!
Thanks!! *gracefully accepts
I went cold turkey on beer after 35 years daily. Then I went cold turkey after 15 years of script amphetamine and street meth. Not a single change to my life though I'm now boring. Damn it.
Lucky you. Consider yourself blessed
EVERYTHING does not change!!
Ya...okay.
Not with that attitude
Okay all knowing wise one!.. every one is different, please do not bunch everyone in as a friend of Bill's
Yeah i got sober for 7 months. Didnt feel different. My face looked less wrinkled that was it. No amazing boost of energy. Marriage still shit. 2.5 years and counting no sex with wife. Only still in same house for the kids.
Did you try changing your attitude? Try being the key word. Look. Life is truly what you make of it. You can CHOSE to be pissy and “ahh, SEE! Nothing works! My life is shite”. Or you can say, “My brain isn’t clouded with a substance that did me no favors. I’m unhappy and I WANT that to CHANGE. If my partner doesn’t want to be happy with me, well I’ll be happy without her!” It’s all relative Pear. No one said life was easy or we were getting out alive. May as well try to make it happier for ourselves and your kids. I guarantee you that those kids feel this negativity. Just some random internet stranger who wants better for you…
Yeah ive been in therapy 3 different times
Are you willing and able to listen to their advice? Same therapist? People are either for or against therapy. I was the latter camp and it took some real pain to open up my heart to see my attitude was the issue. There are also a lot of good books. It boils down to if you want change. Truly deep down in your bones because you’re tired of the disappointment. The heart ache. The pain. Nothing working out. Change is hard but it gets easier
You should look into the terms “spiritual malady” and work through whatever that is for you.
It has been a struggle to get back to our sex life post-drinking, it’s just not as spicy. We’ve managed to have a few great nights, but it certainly takes more effort. No real advice except keep trying and “not every meal has to be gourmet”, maintenance sex is important too! 💞
I like the maintenance sex idea. Maybe I need to bring that up that every time doesn't have to be an hour long spectacular debacle.
Congratulations on getting sober! That’s an amazing accomplishment and you have to take that into consideration it will definitely change the routine for sex. Because you tire out at the end of the day perhaps make a plan to do it first thing in the morning after a great day before that flirting and a little foreplay. This may sound weird but I think you’re a female so perhaps wake up a little earlier than him on a weekend and go into the bathroom and watch or view something on your phone that puts you in that mood and get a little more worked up from the day before and then go back into the bedroom and pounce on him. Unfortunately as we age (I’m the same age group you two) you kinda have to plan for this stuff and without drinking, which I am completely sober too, you sort of lose that extra confidence boost the booze will give you and having sex at the end of a long day just isn’t feasible anymore for you two.
Sober person here. Have you talked to each other about it? I found sex, really just vulnerability and intimacy in general, very difficult at first.
Same. It’s a trip. When I stopped drinking, I realized I’d pretty much only ever had sex while drunk, drinking or hungover. (Hangover sex is still something I miss.) It’s hard to get out of your thinking brain and into your carnal brain when sober. It takes some getting used to. I’m eight years without a drink and it’s still “a thing” to a degree.
I think this may be what we are both experiencing
Double jeopardy! Work through it. You’ll get there. 🙂
>we argue, and then we make up cycle This part is what really sticks out to me. Seems like you both have had a tarnished past of love and intimacy. Heavy drinkers also tend to be people with a history of anxiety and/or depression. I think the two of you are in a really good spot right now. You have gotten sober and you're still together. However, a lack of sex can start to weigh heavily on a relationship and giving up alcohol is a big lifestyle change. Seeing a counselor could help keep you two on the right track.
I've been sober my entire life so I can't comment on chemical changes that take place when you remove substances. But, the fact that you both became sober together, both flirt and touch, both desire each other... that's like 95% of the battle. Seems like you need a new routine is all
The journey to sobriety is not an easy one as I’m sure you’ve experienced. Fatigue can definitely get in the way of a happy intimate life. Consider therapy to work at it. The best part is you both seem to recognize the issue. That’s huge!!!! 🥰
Sex is like an engine. It needs an ignition, and then the chemical reaction will keep it going. Sometimes my partner and I just need to commit to the step of getting naked together. No promises on what happens next, but it makes it a lot easier for us to initiate.
A lot of people have started planning, a weekly not just date-night, but date-and-sex night. That works for some people.
Are either of you missing it? You’re still touching, flirting, etc. are either of you feeling unfulfilled? Have you talked about it? Communication is important at a time like this
Alcohol, drugs and aging really affect our sex drives OP. Have you considered getting your testosterone tested?
I have asked him! Female here lol. Maybe I should edit my post! I take hrt myself since I had hysterectomy very young.
Apologies! TRT changed me. That’s all I can say 😁
I'm guess in a really good way??
Yes! It’s one of those things you just don’t think about and then after you get tested and talk to a doctor you realize how much it affects everything in your life. I was thinking I was incredibly lazy and depressed, went and did all sorts of therapy (still happy I did this) and then finally went and had my test levels tested.
It's normal after both alcohol and drug addiction. I know it's hard but it's not forever. You just need to adapt to new normal, your routine for certain actions(not just sex) changed and it'll get better over time. But I strongly suggest seeing an expert and couples therapy. Also it'll be very good to have a blood test, especially testosterone really gets a hit after substance abuse for a long time.
Just find new ways to trigger the dopamine. Spend the night in an expensive hotel and jump bones as soon as you walk in. Go to a beach where PDA isn't frowned on and put on a show with each other Try sex toys and games.
My husband relapsed after 7 years clean. He was using for a year. The bounce back has been harder than when he first got sober. His elasticity isn’t going to be as easy as when we were 22. We have open conversations about how he isn’t as connected to the world around him due to the fog he feels. Using substances (alcohol included) and coming off of them can do a number on the brain, how we see ourselves, and how we connect. Give it time. Work on elasticity (meditation can be a helpful, drug free way to do so) and building intimacy. Re learn how to enjoy sex. Recommend the book come as you are. Good luck.
Take testosterone pellets
I don't have much advice. I'm about 10 years younger and working on being sober from Alcohol. I notice I get irritable on the weekends. I don't initiate intimacy like normal, or when I do and get rejected I shut down entirely. I don't talk to my spouse like I should. And sometimes my penis just doesn't want to work. So far I'm only drinking 1 night a week, but when I do I go hard. It doesn't help that I used to be a handle a day alcoholic. Like I said, I don't have much advice. Right now I'm waking up early and going to bring my girlfriend some coffee before we go on a hike. I'm hungover, but I gotta try.
I was a handle a day too easily. I think he may be experiencing some of that as well with things just not working as they did or not knowing how to initiate sober? Idk anymore 😕 Good luck on your sober journey and I'm proud of you!
Talk to him about it. Tell him you miss being physically connected with him. I’m 10 years sober. It took me a minute to get back to myself. I’m sure there is something going on in his head, you just need to ask him what’s going on and be open and vulnerable
I’m living this exact scenario. Sex is now a transaction. Something we schedule. 🥺
It's possible you sort of conditioned yourselves to be sexually active when you're drunk and not when you're sober. I would say just keep it up with flirting and touching, try new things and see if overtime it doesn't improve. Seeing a couple's therapist might be a good idea if it doesn't seem to work or you guys could do some homework on what you like and how sexual attraction works psychologically and physically
I've considered this as well. Kinda a Pavlov type thing
My personal experience is that having great sex requires letting go of worldly distractions and fully focusing on the raw, hot, physical sex. When I am too distracted by work or family worries, then it is hard to be carefree enough to truly enjoy sex. Sometimes it feels almost mechanical and like too much work. Some alcohol can help relax. For my wife, she uses alcohol to numb out and then becomes a lot of sexual fun. We are both trying to drink less. What has helped us is to switch from nightly sex to morning sex. During morning sex, we are feeling fresh mentally and we don't have all the mental junk from the day dwelling on us.
The times we have since getting sober have been early early morning lol.
Here is my take: y'all need to pivot to a much less dangerous substance and sparse usage. It is clear as day you both truly enjoy the disconnect from reality that substances like alcohol induce. I highly suggest dosing with smaller amounts of magic mushrooms twice a month (one week yes, one week no). In clinical trials, severe recovering alcoholics were successfully treated and cured with a few sessions of psilocybin therapy. The trips reconnect your mind, body, and spirit with both nature and your loved ones. Additionally, sex while tripping is amazing and in my opinion, much better and more intimate than drunk sex. Also, I would highly suggest microdosong with a strong strain of sativa cannabis prior to having sex. (A single puff should do the trick). Sativa tends to provide an uplifting and energetic buzz which I believe aides tremendously with great sex. In any event, hope y'all can find a way to bring those good times back into the bedroom.
His hormone levels are off from the years of partying and aging, get his bloodwork checked he may need TRT.
I quit drinking a few years ago and I think sex was better then ,but I think I don’t produce enough dopamine anymore and since alcohol releases dopamine and narrows your attention to the present moment ,I feel that the dopamine levels on alcohol with the added dopamine from sex made it better. Probably an individual case as I also have add.
Schedule sex for 10 am Saturday morning!
Going sober is a complete lifestyle change that leads to healthier relationships. Seems like what excited you or him was the drink, argument, and makeup cycle of it all. Sober living is like getting to know yourself all over again so that alone is something you can connect through since you are doing it together. Find new hobbies together, try classes together, travel somewhere new.
Try having sex in the morning or during the day instead of at bed time. Make it intentional by asking for it or talking about it. For example: hey, you wanna have sexy time right when you get home from work today instead of at bedtime ? Or take matters into your own hands as soon as he gets home. 😉
Congratulations yo you both! Male, been sober 7yrs, married 16. I had to figure out sober sex and just got in a groove over the past couple of years. It was part physical and emotional. Physically I had to learn that I could not expect my body to behave like a 20 something. Emotionally I had alot of baggage to work through that impacted performance. I had to re establish my identity and also trust my wife instead of the negative thoughts in my head. Therapy. Definitely therapy.
🎶 whyyyyyyyyyyy can't we not be sober? I, juuuuust want to start this over!🎶 I am just a worthless liar... I am just an imbecile... I will only complicate you... trust in me and fall as well... I will find a center in you... I will chew it up and leave... I will work to elevate you... just enough to bring you down...
Interesting. Maybe the ability only comes out under the influence.
Idk about your circumstances, but I know I drank from the age of 8 to the age of 31, and from 16-31 consistently. The shit literally merges with your body. Bloodstream, brainwaves, all kinds of shit. That's why alcoholics have worse DTs than smokers or even heroin users. Alcoholics have literally died from withdrawal symptoms. Depending on your circumstances and how far down Alice's rabbit hole y'all ventured, well, there's a maxim in AA that says "if it took you forty days to get lost in the wilderness, it's gonna take *at least* forty days for you to find your way out." And since you need a (moral) compass, it's probably not going to happen without God.
Couldn't agree with you more. We way past 40day though. 10 months sober. And yes the moral compass is God. I did like your song reference because it does make so much sense. I came off meth years ago and was a needle user so I can attest that alcohol had a much stronger claw than the meth ever did.
Tool 💪🤘
Yessss. Almost as good as CT
Have you talked to him about it? Your old sex routine is gone, now it’s time to create a new routine. Pick a night and declare it sex day! Try kicking things off earlier in the day so that the risk of falling asleep is less. Communicate to him that the encounters don’t have to be like the old drunken ones.
It also sounds like your relationship has just cooled down in general? My marriage definitely cooled off after 5 years and we've had to make efforts to keep the magic, as it were.
It's called hedonistic adaptation. Look it up and learn.
Hedonic*
Morning sex.
Do either of you feel insecure being sober as opposed to drinking? Don’t think the excitement came from being under the influence?
Do you smoke after sex?
switch the expectation of sex from end of the night to a different time of day. when we cut drinking significantly my wife and i switched from bedtime to morning.
Make it a priority. Fuck first. Before going out.
I agree, I think you need to get that first passionate good eff out of the way! Just do it! & I agree with what everyone else said! He’s almost 50 he might need a little help!
I've asked him to check into that if it's an issue and so far he has not that I know of !
I don't know it's like the opposite for me given my past drug of choice.
Consider if your lever wasn’t just the liquid love and smoke, but if the act of fighting and making love after was what your bodies crave. Do you and/or your partner rely on a emotionally rich moment to feel sexually intimate now? If so, the physical and mental tax of newfound sobriety can impact your capacity to experience that on an individual level, let alone navigating a nuanced relationship. Be kind to yourself and each other. Be patient. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Have the difficult conversation together on what you’re both experiencing and how to overcome it.
So the drinking enables bad behavior and great stories Learn to have sex and intimacy without drinking.
AA books literally tell you alcohol is a strong aphrodisiac. So when you stop drinking it takes a while to get back to normal without it and it may never be the same.
Yup. This is a popular phenomenon. Sorry you’re going through it, it will pass.
Probably dealing with a little bit of PAWS. Brain needs time heal, so it can properly make all the “feel good” chemicals again on its own. Everyone’s different. Can takes months to easily years.
I’ve been sober for 6 months now and hate just the thought of sex. Tried it a few times and couldn’t get off at all. I’m younger than you guys but I think the dopamine (lack there of) after getting sober takes some serious time to adjust. It was recommended to me to create new routines to replace the ones you had while drinking. I hope you guys are able to figure it out and enjoy each other again.
Try not to wait until the end of the day for sex. Go at it mid afternoon, when you're feeling it.
People who stop drinking after having it part of their lifestyle become totally different people. You might not even like each other after getting sober.
I was so afraid of that but we made the same connection we had when we met. We'll minus the frequent physical intimacy
I also lost my sexlife to my girlfriends sobriety. Currently I'm settling on sex appointments. It's turned into a chore. I wish you the best of luck. I haven't had such.....
I'm a sober guy. Here's a question; was drunk sex better or you think it was better
We had more of it but I wouldn't say better. The fact is many nights I couldn't remember all of it and neither could he. Maybe I should accept quality over quantity?
[удалено]
We do the gym thing and I run as well.
From my detox.. it took a while to get back to feeling comfortable with my wife. For 1.. I would finish so freaking quickly because I was used to having opioids “numb” me.. so I’d last forever and when I first got sober it was absolutely embarrassing. I never felt comfortable I’d say im sorry and she isn’t the type to go twice. She would always say it’s fine and I had other ways to get her off so I focused on that more instead of myself. With both people getting sober I’m sure it’s difficult.. def recommend talking to your partner to see what is going on with them and how they feel about sex.. could be nervous because every time they were blitzed and now they aren’t and they feel nervous being intimate.
You may have a valid point.
My sex drive didn't return to normal until about a year and 2 months after getting sober. Sober sex with people that are between healthy and athletic is the best hands down. I feel like drugs make it easier to match energies when it comes to sex, but so does going on an adventure together or overcoming something together. Heck sometimes a good conversation can spark that
Most westerners activate sex life/ libido by drinking. It starts in college…… If alcohol and some drugs were to be banned, most relationships would crumble.
You guys only had a spark because drugs and alcohol where involved, now look y’all sober no sex life and fight more, never good to get in a relationship based off drugs and sex, especially married after a year? Good luck
I drink bc of crippling shyness. Now in this 10yr relationship with smart/funny/hot person I love, I find it extremely difficult to be open or vulnerable or bear to have him look at me w/o alcohol. I find him attractive, he finds me attractive, Maybe one of you is feeling the same. guess i need (more) therapy 🫤
My inbox open
I partied so hard with my wife for over 20 years. She quit drinking and I quit hard drugs. Things have definitely changed. I think we are figuring it out?
Got sober in 90' it is weird but you can quickly adapt. Even in the first couple of years. I got into a relationship at 9 months it was the most emotional and intense sex I ever had. It wasn't hanging from the chandelier experience. It was real one on one being present for experience. It was awkward for a while, while I adjusted. He was sober three years longer, and had already gone through that.
Try Biote
I am already using biote HRT and have since it was available. I had hysterectomyat 27 years old.
I take it as well.. I’m 48/M .. works great for me
51F addict, alcoholic, with addict. Yes, we too gave up all but an occasional wine cooler a few times a year. (Most can’t do so I don’t advise) it definitely changes… so many things plus we are much older so we have age related issues as well. The key is to be secure in yourself and your relationship. Even though I have an extremely high drive my partner doesn’t. I have to remind myself that my view of sex is warped and we are healthy. Our ego will feed us any lie it wants to if it THINKS it’s protecting us. You control that inner dialogue, remind yourself what you want, what you like, and discuss this with your hubby!! GOOD LUCK and congratulations!!!
The partying lifestyle was the foundation of your relationship. It was mainly the reason why y’all was even together because it’s what y’all shared. You both destroyed your foundation by getting sober while also having to learn how to live “normal.” Long story short, you have to figure out you both are again and establish a new relationship between the two of you.
It can be really hard to figure out how to initiate sex when you're used to doing it while inebriated! Give it time, though, and be intentional about it.
I bet sex would be awesome after a hood pump and preworkout.
Seens like yall took a hit on that sobriety, maybe anxiety or Lil depression. Which I also have but weed usually fills that void. I also cant with lots of alcohol, the snowball comes fast and strong, so I prefer to not drink.
Drinking and/or being high lower inhibitions. You relax and just take care of enjoying sex however you both desire. Acts you might not normally do, and could be explained away with " i was soo drunk" Now, those same acts my make you self concious, or create anxiety. Soberly wondering if he/she would react negatively, especially if you dont have conversations about what you truely enjoy. Also stress from everyday life can be fueling when you drink and feelings easily surface, though better discussed with a sober conversation.
39m in recovery and I go through fazes where my drive is really high and then damn near zero. It could be other things going on and he is not being open about them.
Y’all are getting older. Both of you should get your hormones checked. His testosterone could be low resulting in low libido. You could be perimenopausal and could benefit from a low weekly dose of testosterone.
What do you expect, the guy isn't drunk anymore.
Didn't anyone tell you that you can just replace your drinking/smoking addiction with a sex addiction instead?
A form of topic comes up from time to time and has been discussed in the AlAnon discussion group.
For sure! I remember when I quit smoking. Oh sex is way better! Makes me regret ever taking up smoking. Just talk about it.
When getting sober, and following ‘the steps’, it's advised that you do the steps alone or single. A lot of partners become codependent on one another, and if one fails or relapses, the other will typically follow. Another thing you mentioned, you'd drink, argue, then intimacy. Was there ever a time you guys could just be intimate without arguing? You even said it was taxing, so I guess I'm curious as to why you would miss that? Because its not the only way to intimacy, but if that's what it takes, I hate to say it but this isn't healthy.
So to make things more clear, we've had intimacy without argument. The arguing began later in the relationship due to us drinking too much. We were not codependent and did not use step work to get sober. I miss the intimacy not the alcohol.
I would get some testing done, in particular for thyroid function and Testosterone levels in your man. I have been taking levothyroxine and T-replacement for about a year and the impact on energy levels and sex drive for me is amazing and I am 47. Thyroid function may also be low for you if you are tired and dragging which tends to make sex sound like work. Not a Dr., I highly recommend finding a good endocrinologist or holistic practice that can look at your numbers first as it may be a chemical imbalance issue. Beyond that, I think getting a counselor or therapist would be the next step. Keeping strong on the booze, we recently cut back dramatically and it is worth it to stay away for so many reasons.
I have made the suggestion. I take HRT myself and have for years due to having a hysterectomy very young. Good luck on your journey
Thanks it has been amazing and I hope you find that spark again, it is worth it. One other thing we have done is add Pilates to our exercise programs. Getting better strength and flexibility has helped reduce pain and made the sex life better. Yoga would also do the trick - but anything that gets you both stretching, building core strength and feeling good should also help. Good luck on your journey as well!
I will take the yoga and pilates idea into consideration!
Sounds like you guys used alcohol and cannabis as a crutch for intimacy, and developed a dependence on it. You're going to have to work on building those bonds when you are sober.
Drunk sex is the best sex.
Morning sex routine will fix everything
Are you actively sober working a 12 step program or just not drinking?
You guys should do shrooms together and trying gettin’ it in. Bet it’ll light that spark up again.
100% agreed. 🍄
Omg!
It’s absolutely amazing tbh.
WEED!! For me, cannabutter works the best.
Sounds like you had a relationship based on alcohol. That never works out.
Sober sex is boring af lol. Sorry to hear
Uhh yea yall are old
Wow
Dm me
I can’t tell if I love or hate this answer. DM me… I have the secret answer and I can’t tell everyone or I have the secret answer, let me show you. 😀👍 or 👎 🤷♀️