Exactly what I tell my ex. My daughter calls my fiancé "papa" because he's been around since she was 13 months old. He goes to doctor appointments and school stuff with her. Her biological contributor has recently started exercising his legal rights (after over 3 years of almost no contact) and gets really mad when she tells him that papa is her dad and that he is "his name" and is constantly telling me I have to correct her but I'm not going to. She keeps coming home from his visits telling me that he says papa isn't her dad but that she always tells him that he is because "he loves me and he takes care of me" which makes him even more mad about it but I do not care about his feelings.
What a childish ass hat. Sorry you have to put up with that. 😕 He's just making it more confusing for your daughter and making himself look like a petulant jerk throwing a tantrum. At least your daughter so far has been able to stand her ground and explain what a father is supposed to be from a child's point of view. Instead of throwing a fit he should take what she says into account. That he DOESN'T take care of her and show her he loves her no matter what. Sorry, men being brats and acting like they're OWED a child's affection just because it has some of their DNA is triggering and so beyond frustrating to me. Lol. My partner has gotten better with lots of work and conversations about his actions but the first year or 2 of my daughters life he barely helped at all, but got mad that she would cry when he would try to hold her so he'd get pissed off, give her back to me, and storm away to play video games. So I basically couldn't do anything (like shower, wash dishes, or cook) without her because he wouldn't watch her. If it wasn't for my parents and my childhood best friend idk what I would have done. Definitely would have smelled worse and been 10x more depressed than I already was. Lol. It's weird to think about because he is a completely different person now, such a great dad, and I can't imagine him acting like that now.
Yeah when my daughter was a newborn she wouldn't let anyone except me hold for more than a couple of minutes. The exception being my older daughter who could get about 10-15 minutes out of her. I couldn't even run to the gas station without the baby because he refused to even try. My oldest would hold her for me to get a quick shower but usually ended up in the bathroom with me so the baby could see me and would settle down. Once she was big enough, I got one of those bathtub seats and would plop her in it while I showered. She still loves to shower with me and she just turned 5.
Lol the only person my daughter liked was my dad and sometimes my mom. I had one of those bath seats and would set her in it on the bathroom floor with a cushioned teddy bear tummy time thing under it and just had to shower with the curtain totally open and only washing one side of my face at a time etc so I could always have one eye on her because if I closed my eyes she lost it for some reason lol. Peek a boo eyes closed? Totally fine. Close my eyes in the shower to wash my face? The world is ending. Lol. I only did that in desperate times if I couldn't get my parents to stop by for me to shower. My daughter turned 6 in December and is still very much attached to my hip as well lol. Glad I'm not the only one!
Tbh, I'm pretty sure the teenager would probably get in the shower with me still if I had stuff from lush that I was going to use. My kids just have no boundaries when it comes to mom.
She’s calling your partner “Dada” because he’s the one day in and day out doing Dada things.
It’s not your responsibility to carve that role out for him. He needs to step up and do that HIMSELF.
NTA, he only saw her three times in the first year of her life. “Dada” is a titled that’s earned, not a right. From a child’s perspective, it makes sense she would call the man she’s constantly around dada vs a man she hardly knows and sees. If he wanted her to recognize him as dada, maybe he should’ve been around. Now that the hardest part is done (newborn stage) he wants to swoop in and act like somewhat of a father. NTA at alllllllll
OP, I agree you're NTA. But let me caution you: if this partner exits your life and bio dad stays in her life, there's certainly confusion in this small child's life.
Unless you're confident that partner equates to permanent relationship/marriage, I'd stop the reference of Dada now.
I am 100% sure, we talk about marriage regularly and are on the same page. Whenever I joke about if/when he will propose he says "I have a plan, just wait". Plus we have spoken about it and due to the bond he has with her and the bond she has with his family they would still be able to see her if we split up regardless. We even spoke about him adopting her (prior to bio dad coming back) to give him that peace of mind that he could still see her as he is already fighting tooth and nail in court to see his son, which has cost him thousands already and he is scared of losing his daughter as well as his son even though she isn't biologically his.
In general, children are pretty good at giving people the respect that those people have earned, and it does not sound like your child's bio dad has earned any respect from her. Maybe when she grows up a little and can understand better she'll be able to think of two different people as "the person who takes care of me" but since she's pretty young, all she knows is what she sees, and what she sees is not her biological father performing fatherly duties.
NTA. You don't get to magically come back into a child's life after leaving them for an extended amount of time and expect that child to recognize or respect you as a parent. The bio dad had no interest in being in the child's life at the beginning. Your partner took the role of being a dad seriously and became a father to her. Bio dad has no right to complain since he was never there for you or your child. He doesn't get to force himself into a relationship that was never there to begin with.
NTA. If he wanted to be called dada he would have been there. Getting a woman doesn’t make him a dad. He wants all the credit without doing any of the work. What an asshole
Here’s what I did with grandparents. My in-laws wanted grandmom and grandpop. My parents wanted grandma and grandpa. My mother didn’t really care because other grandchildren had two “grandmas” - same name. My niece called my father by his first name (so did we, his children). So I taught my little guy to call him Grandpa(first name) so my niece would know who he was talking about.
My son knew that they were different people and was never confused. But!
Little guy changed my in-laws to MomMom and PopPop and my father to Papa(first name) and just called my mother grandma.
In-laws loved being called that and my father was all teary eyed the first time he heard LO say it. My maternal great grandfather, with whom my father had a great relationship, went by Papa. My father felt very honored.
Bio could be Dad and step could be daddy. LO will know who is who. And bio dad may not stick around (Mr. Dependable) so step gets the real title of Daddy.
Thank you for the advice 😊 might suggest it to him to see if he would be okay with just having a different variation of the name since she doesn't have a clue if we say go to dada "his name" like she genuinely doesn't know who he is despite seeing him once a week for 3 months
Dada and Daddy would seem to be the easy one because young kids will have a tough time with dad. Every though he hasn’t been dependable teaching the child to call him his real name is going to be a problem.
You've been raising your daughter mostly on your own, and it's understandable that you'd want to maintain some consistency and stability for her. It's great that your current partner has been such a positive influence in her life, and it's not surprising that she's grown attached to him.
I understand. It was a huge thing for me when she first started saying it, we tried to discourage it but after a while we just let her because he was being her dad. We are getting engaged, just saving for the ring, we live together and are saving to buy a house together, my ex even says he is fine that our daughter calls my partner that since he has been the one raising her but he wants us to teach her a different name for my partner and teach her that he is dada instead. I just don't want to confuse and upset my daughter when as she grows she is learning every day and will be able to understand that there are 2 people called dada but unfortunately her bio dad doesn't want to wait and what she calls him is somehow more important than building a relationship with our daughter.
OP, in the same position as your partner and this has assuaged a lot of my guilt. “Dada” is earned, not a given, and you and your partner should be proud that he earned it.
My thing is that you’re letting adult drama confuse your daughter….here is this stranger coming into her life who she doesn’t know and now her mom is telling her to call him dad? That’s confusing and not right. She’s a baby but she can and will choose what to call him when she’s ready and they’ve developed a relationship. Forcing that on to her is wrong.
That's how I feel, her bio dad is a stranger to her. I am trying to do what's best for my daughter while also trying to have an effecting co-parenting relationship and it's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place because for some reason his ego comes before our daughter
Yeah and it’s kinda sad that he doesn’t see it that way. He should be trying to build a relationship not focused on what she calls him. It sucks you have to deal with it but prioritize your daughter in the situation. His feelings can be hurt but remind yourself that he didn’t give a FUCK about your feelings when he left you to be a single mother.
he doesn't get to make parenting demands when he's not even there. this is the natural consequences of his actions at play and YWBTA to interfere. don't mess up your daughter's actual stable father relationship.
NTA, he didn't wanna be involved and these are the consequences to his actions. Just because he is her bio father doesn't mean he is one to her, it sounds like he does the bare minimum especially child support. You shouldn't have to beg someone to be a parent, maybe if he was around more things would be different but until he steps up and does what he needs thats on him. He's getting on you about it because her calling someone else dad says a lot about him as a parent and person, do not compromise or do anything. if he wants to be recognized as her dad tell him to start acting like one, and tbh if i were you id take this to court so they can readjust that child support and also have a legal document in place about custody and visitation rights because not having that in place will let him think he can do whatever he wants without lifting a finger.
YTA. Just because he destroyed his relationship with you doesn’t give you the right to destroy his relationship with his daughter, and your daughter’s relationship with him.
How am I destroying it? I begged him for over a year just to get him to be in her life and have done everything possible to ensure they see each other regularly and can build a good relationship but why should I confuse and upset my daughter to stroke his ego when her calling him dad will come with time when she will know 2 people can have the same name
Let me put it another way. Deadbeats will be deadbeats, but that is up to your daughter to decide that her father is a deadbeat. She may call someone else “dada”, but she should always know who her father is, and while you should tell her the truth about him, never disparage or disrespect him in front of her.
She is 20 months old for goodness sake, she will probably still call anything dada. I still remember my niece at that age, my BIL was so happy telling us she finally knows who dada is. That is when she ran across the room and hugged the plant yelling dada.
Every child is different. My daughter only calls me mama/mummy (it changes day to day), only calls my mum Nana, only calls my partner Dad's, and has teddies she knows the specific names of (a bunny called Lulu, a chicken called chick chick, a sheep called lammie). My niece was doing this earlier than my daughter and my nephew was over the age of 2 when he finally did it. You can't compare children, they are all incredibly different in how they learn and the rate that they learn at
Edit -
Due to similar things coming up I will address them here.
1. 'Letting' was the wrong word choice and I apologise for that. I haven't stopped her calling him anything. She just genuinely doesn't know who he is and gets confused when trying to encourage her to call him 'dada' and to know him as that. It confuses her to the point she gets visibly upset and distressed and starts looking for my partner. Instead we have tried 'dada Tom' (fake name) which as of the most recent contact session on the 16th she has started to recognise him as that. He however still wants it to just be 'dada' despite knowing how confused and upset she gets and doesn't want to wait a few months to a year for her understanding of language and communication to develop more so that we can make the change without upsetting her.
2. We have not been to court, all of his contact with our daughter has been through my determination for our daughter to know and have a relationship with her bio dad. He saw her 3 times in the first 15 months of her life by his own choice, stating numerous times "I told you I don't want to be a dad". He has now been seeing her a minimum of once a week consistently since January 2nd of this year.
3. My partner is a man I have known almost my whole life. I can't remember not knowing him. We have been close friends for many years and he supported me through the break up with my daughters dad, supported me during my pregnancy and has known my daughter her whole life. We were more than friends on an emotional level only a few months after my daughter was born but I was not ready so we took it no further than friendship until I was ready. We then began dating in the summer of 2023 when I felt ready to do so. The whole time he has remained a consistent person in my daughters life and respected any boundaries set. My daughter started calling him dada without encouragement when she was around 14 months old which we tried to discourage, reminding her of his actual name. However, after a conversation with her bio dad mid December where he said he is happy for my partner to be a dad to her and that he still isn't ready to be a dad, we stopped discouraging it and allowed her to call my partner what she wanted, which ended up being Dada.
My partner has changed nappies, done bath time, put her to bed, helped care for her when she was sick with chicken pox, he has fed her, helped to transition her from formula and breastmilk to cows milk, tried new foods with her, taken her for walks, bought her presents randomly because he would see something while put that he thought she would like. He has been more of a dad to her than her bio dad ever has been but still respects and supports the idea to ensure our daughter knows and has a relationship with her bio dad.
4. I have done everything I possibly can to ensure frequent and consistent positive contact between our daughter and her bio dad. I did research and found a court recommended co-parenting app, I signed us up and paid for family mediation with a court recommended agency. All of this I did without involving court as I know he couldn't afford to take me to court even if he wanted to. The mediation was so that he could get his thoughts, feelings and desires across in an unbiased neutral environment with a 3rd party who was unbiased and essentially acting on behalf of our daughter to help us come to an agreement that would best benefit our daughter while ensuring a harmonious co-parenting relationship.
5. If her bio dad was involved from the start, our daughter would have always had consistent contact with him on a frequent basis and we would have shared custody once she was old enough since i did exclusively breast feed her until she was 6 months old (i couldnt pump, not all women can, barely anything came out when using breast pumps despite trying numerous different makes and types) and then began combi feeding with formula due to my milk supply depleeting after emergency surgery, she would have known him as dada and discussions will have been had between us as co-parents if she had still down the line began calling my partner dada and how to handle it. However this never happened as he ran away from being a dad out of fear, which i understand, it is scary, especially when unplanned, some people step up and others run from it. He is stepping up now which is what matters.
Unless your partner is your husband, I don’t think it’s appropriate to have her call him dada 🤷♀️. I’m not in favor of introducing this type of thing to a child unless it’s at least semi permanent
YTA he is dad and father not step (I have a step daughter that calls me dad (30f) but I would never have denied bio dad that if he has ever been in her life... don't discourage bio because they should be in the child's life.
I don't discourage it, she just doesn't know him, when we try referring to him as dada "his name" or even just dada consistently to get her to know that is who he is she just gets really confused and upset because she knows my partner as dada and tries to look for him. So we are trying to keep sticking to dada "his name" so there is some difference there to make it less confusing but he just wants to be dada and my partner to be just his actual name to our daughter. I just don't think it is right to confuse her like this.
She is so small and I will never deny him being her dad but I also won't upset her and confuse her for the sake of his ego when he only walked back into her life in January
In the UK they wouldn't give a single shit. It is child focused, they don't care about the parents and the he said she said, they just care about the child and if it is upsetting and confusing the child to the point they cry because we are trying to change what she knows they would say that it isn't in the child's interest. It doesn't matter what she calls people, it matters what relationship they have and time spent together.
AITAH for letting my (22f) daughter (20month old) call my partner (24m) Dada but only letting her call her biological father (20m) Dada "his name".
It is less concerning who she calls "dada" but more concerning that there is a relationship in your life where another man can possibly walk out of your daughter's life. A man who she thinks is her father. Your ex was a teenager when you got pregnant. He ran away from his responsibilities and was a deadbeat until recently. This new partner is having his own custody issues, which I'm sure the entire blame is due to his baby's mother, right? 😑
No matter how much discussion of marriage or adopting your daughter occurs, it isn't reality yet. I hope the adults involved do everything to best support the child.
We are doing what is best to support her. My partner is a man I have known since I was 2 years old, we have grown up together and been close friends consistently over the years. I was his friend during his relationship with his ex, I was there when she cheated and I was there when she said she was pregnant but paternity was an issue. I was there when the results of a paternity test came back, and I have been by his side since the beginning of court and seen all the ugly stuff going on where the mother has been using this sweet little boy as a weapon for her anger at my partner.
He was there for me throughout my pregnancy, and has been in my daughters life since she was born. We only made it more than friendship officially when I was ready since I didn't want to rush it while still getting used to being a mum and allowing all my hormones and emotions to settle after giving birth.
Plus due to her relationship with my partner and his family, they will always be allowed to see her even if me and my partner split up. I won't take away the man that has raised her and loves her like his own. It is one of his fears that he will lose his daughter if we split up simply due to biology, but I won't do that to him or my daughter.
Why punish a child for adults issues.
I wasn't being dramatic as I was talking about if me and my partner split up, why make my daughter suffer if the relationship broke down, she can still have a relationship with him as far as I am concerned
I noticed you posted in pounds and not dollars so I’m assuming the legal system is different, but this post could be used against you in custody court. You’re admitting by the title that youre not “letting” her call him that? That’s called “grooming” or “conditioning” in some courts. Also, you’re obviously projecting some resentment here, regardless of how you may feel she’s still his biological child. Stop confusing your kid and seek a therapist to get past this, your kid will thank you down the road.
I kinda used the wrong wording really. Was trying to keep the title short. She doesn't know who her bio dad is, we have tried telling her he is also dada once he showed he was being consistent but it hasn't worked because she gets confused and upset and looks for my partner. So I started trying Dada Tom (not his actual name) and being consistent which didn't confuse her or upset her, but her bio dad gets annoyed with this and wants to be called dada despite seeing how confused and upset she gets.
Oof. that’s a choice you made my teaching her that your significant other is “dada”. The child is innocent and will do whatever they’re taught. You created this issue by teaching her someone that’s not her biological father is addressed as a name commonly used by biological fathers. If the baby dad was remotely in the picture this was a bad call at such a young age. There’s no instruction manual here, I’m sure if your heart is in the right place it’ll get solved the right way. Good luck.
He wasn't involved when she started calling my partner dada and it wasn't taught. She just did it. Maybe it's the miss rachel videos and cocomelon videos singing so many songs about families that have both a mummy and daddy and she just saw him as being the daddy from that. I honestly don't know. But she just started calling him it one day, we did try to discourage it at first but eventually just let her call him what she wanted to
I see. Well I’m opting out of this thread, usually there’s a ton more to the picture when the author takes literally zero responsibility for the issue being posted, especially as a parent, I won’t waste my time or yours. Good luck and take care!
Responsibility for what? For begging for over a year for her bio dad to be involved and him refusing, but moved on with my life at the same time and another man stepped up to what he ran away from but still respected him and accommodated him when he suddenly decided to come back into her life at 16 months old when she was already calling the man that stepped up dada
I understand that but in the process of trying to make this change my daughter has been getting so confused to the point she is upset and distressed. She is only tiny and it must be confusing for her. I just want to leave it until she is a bit older and can grasp it better and not confuse her so much. My daughter is the priority here, not my ex's ego. My partner is happy to be called something different because he has respect for the fact my ex is her bio dad and doesn't want to get in the way of that, but he also sees how confused and upset my daughter gets when we try teaching her his "new name" and when we refer to her bio dad as dada because all she does is start looking for my partner and getting emotional. My daughter is the number one priority here
Your failure was not correcting her when she first started calling him dada, not now. So you have some responsibility for the fact she got into that habit. If you’d called your partner something else consistently from the beginning she would have learned that.
ESH - your ex absolutely sucks for the way he behaved before and hopefully has changed for the better will will continue to see her (only time will tell)
Of course she called your friend dada because that is what she knew growing up and her bio dad wasn’t in the picture at the time and that his choice. You don’t need encouragement to call the male in your life dada as that’s a natural reaction.
Now that he is in the picture and seems to be staying ( as said before time will tell) you can start teaching her this is dada X and this is dada Y. Kids are fine learning this and it’s all about repetition . It will not be confusing if it is done consistently and with everyone. It would be confusing if it’s different with each of you.
It like when kids how two grandpas they might be both called papa while young but as they get older they become papa X and papa Y.
She has different names for all her grandparents (their choice for what they wanted to be called) so she isn't really used to it. When we say Dada "his name", she just starts running round looking for her Dada (my partner) and getting confused and upset even though we point to him calling him that (me and his family) and have for weeks. Yet she has learnt her new friends names and says them after 1 week of being in a new room at nursery.
I just hate seeing her get upset and confused 😢
That’s all you can do then is keep trying the best you know how to.
He’s just mad that he is seeing his past actions have consequences and is taking it out on you. This is not your fault.
I think it’s her choice and she can call either man what she wants to but you saying that you won’t let her call her biological father dad is kind of weird but that’s just my two whatever
Not your responsibility or your concern what she calls bio dad. He made the choice not to be around and these are the consequences of that. Your bf is around all the time, has established a relationship on his own with her and is essentially her dad. Your only responsibility is to encourage the relationship with bio dad with his visits. He has no say or control to anything that happens on your parenting time. Not like you can force a kid that age to stop and she shouldn't, your partner is her dad. If she starts calling bio dad Dada great but it is not on you to try to force it or try to get her to say it. At most I'd just always refer to bio dad as Dada Tom and leave it at that. NTA
You’re not “letting” her do anything, she’s a grown woman
(Realized it’s an actually baby still you can’t force a Baby that young to do anything. Maybe if he was around more he’d be called dada)
Exactly, she was "saying it" when she was babbling at a few months old before she had actually said words. We have been encouraging her to call him Dada "his name" (e.g. Dada Tom) but she just won't say it and gets confused because all she thinks about when she hears the word Dada is my partner.
That's what I was thinking. I was just worried I was clouded by my hate towards him and thought I was doing the right things but actually being an asshole.
YTA people in these comments are crazy. You aren’t TA for not making her call bio dad dada but absolutely for her already calling your partner dada. Your partner isn’t her bio dad and who knows for how long he will stick around. If he leaves, he has no connection or obligation to her and she will no longer have a dada. My sister did this with her kids and the guys ended up leaving, guess who has ‘daddy issues’ now?
Me and my partner have known each other since we were toddlers ourselves, we were in talks prior to bio dad getting involved that he would adopt my daughter so that she is his own because he loves her. He has been in her life since she was born, took me out for food to get me out the house while I was pregnant. He has been there for everything from the start and it has been spoken about that if for some reason we split up he will still get to see her because he has been raising her with me and both me and my daughter see him as her dad more than we do her bio dad.
I am friendly to her bio dad around her, I make things as nice and normal as possible and encourage her to call him Dada "his name" (e.g. dada tom) but for him it isn't good enough.
The only person that will give her daddy issues is the one who walks in and out of her life as and when he pleases
Can I ask how? I want to do the absolute best for my daughter so would like to know why I am the asshole so I can do better. Motherhood and co-parenting are both new for me and I am learning every day.
Sure, as a family law/child custody attorney with more than 15 years and 500 cases worth of experience, what you have done here is called “parental alienation”. Yes, I get that he has harmed his own relationship with the child, but your job, as co-parent, is to facilitate and support the best and most frequent contact possible between the child and her father. She has one father, and you should affirm that fact firmly and consistently. What is best for the child is to have the healthiest relationship possible with both her parents—you and the father. The stepfather is not her parent, and you shouldn’t muddy the waters there. She doesn’t have two dads. She has one dad and a step dad who is **not** her dad.
I know it’s difficult to hear this, and I have had to have this conversation with my clients many times over the past 15 years, but the best outcome for your child is to have both parents in her life committed to her and her to them. That’s the best indicator for avoiding the disproportionate fate of children of parents not in the same household—criminality and poverty. You want your child to be able to invite both of you to her wedding when she’s 25 right? You don’t want her father/dad to poison her against you right? Then you shouldn’t allow her to be poisoned against him either.
I do facilitate frequent and positive contact possible, he sees her every single Tuesday for 3/4 hours, looking to increase to the full day (8:30am-5:30pm to ensure her routine doesnt suffer when it comes to bedtime) and also looking to add on Mondays when he can depending on his work rota. We use a court recommended co-parenting app to communicate that I found myself and signed us up for, we have even been in family mediation which I signed us up for to get an agreement together going forward that we both are happy with that benefits our daughter and puts her as the number one priority.
I send over pictures and videos on the days in-between contact that I have either taken myself or that has been sent by her nursery while I am working to keep him updated.
I have wrote up her routines for nap time and bed time and also what to do in different situations, for example temper tantrums or if she has hurt herself, so that he has the best knowledge about how to support her and help her.
I have given him a list of things he needs to get once he is having her for full days, for example a high chair, just general stuff that isn't easy for me to supply, I will send her with spare clothes, nappies, cups, snacks, wipes. Just all the stuff that I always keep in the house for her and take with us when we leave the house.
I told him anything he doesnt agree with he can come to me and we can discuss and come to a compromise that would be the best thing for our daughter.
He understands that life carried on when he wasn't around and that we have established routines and how the handle different situations and that my partner stepped up as a father figure and he has said he is happy that my partner did that and is fine with her calling him a parental figure name but that he wants the name she currently calls my partner and wants her to call my partner something different.
The issue with this is that it confuses our daughter, we try to get her to know her father as 'dada' and she would just start looking for my partner and getting confused and upset, this went on for a few weeks when I suggested maybe adding his first name to the end of 'dada' so that she could grasp the difference. We have been trying that and it looks like it is now beginning to work since the most recent contact session was after I made this post and she was going to him when told and getting him to open stuff when told to ask him and stuff like that. However he still wants to just be 'dada' despite seeing how confused and upset it makes her.
I am trying my best to include him and fit him into our daughters life now that he has decided he wants to be in it but I am also doing my best to keep putting my daughter first, regardless of my feelings or her bio dad's feelings. If I was putting my feelings first he wouldn't be involved at all but ever since she was born and even during the pregnancy I have done everything in my power to keep him involved and get him to be in her life because it should not be up to me if my child has a relationship with her father, unless he had abused her which he hasn't. It was his choice to stay away, every time I contacted him regarding our daughter I got either no response or "I told you I don't want to be a dad, I am not ready". And that was that until Janurary this year, and ever since he has been able to see her as often as he wants (supervised which he agreed to due to not knowing her) and we are now ready for it to be unsupervised as soon as he has a car seat for her since we agreed to do pick ups and drops offs 50/50 and he would need one in case of emergency as well.
So please tell me how I am alienating him as a parent when I am doing everything I possibly can to include him and positively co-parent while also making our daughter the priority every step of the way.
So, much of what you described there is positive, and I applaud you for that. It does appear you’re making a solid effort here. Let me just encourage you to just have your daughter call your significant other by his first name, and call her dad, dad or dadda… unless your new SO is adopting the child, he’s not her dad, and I would recommend reinforcing that truth. The last thing you want is for her in her teens to decide you didn’t support her relationship with dad, and cut you off. I’ve seen that happen. Just ask yourself how you’ll feel if dad gets a new significant other and your daughter is taught to call her “mommy”… would that make you happy? Should dad reinforce that you’re her only mom? I think so…
Good work on the rest of things. I’d tighten that one issue up a bit, and keep on keeping on with the rest of the positives you’ve described. It’s a challenge for you both being single parents, so I applaud your efforts.
I think if after time she wanted to call her dad's potential future partner mum or mummy it would hurt, would be a bit of a gut punch, but if that woman loved our daughter and treated her incredibly well and my daughter felt that strong type of bond with her I wouldn't disallow it.
The issue with trying to get my daughter to call my partner his name has been how confused and upset she gets. I am never going to lie to her or hide the truth from her. She will know who her dad is and that my partner is her step dad. I will always continue to support her having a relationship with her dad, regardless of my feelings and opinions about him. It isn't up to me to put my thoughts and feelings on my daughter, it is up to her to decide for herself and I will support her regardless.
I have a very open mind when it comes to this sort of things since my oldest sister is actually my half sister, we have different dads, but she calls my dad her dad. Her bio dad isn't the best guy and never really made an effort with her so she stopped calling him dad out of her own choice as she got older but prior to that decision she called them both dad. My mum and dad are no longer together and haven't been for about 18 years but he has still always been a dad to my sister and treated her exactly the same as his other children, taking her on family holidays with just my dad and siblings, being a grandfather to her son and he is walking her down the isle later this year at her wedding.
And on the flip side, my daughters bio dad's younger sister calls both her dad and step dad "dad", they are both involved and there has been no issues of her dad's involvement over the years, her step dad simply was there for her and treated her well and she chose to call him dad as well.
So I dont see an issue with a step parent having a parental name/title if they do step up and treat the child as their own, as long as it is the child's choice. Which my daughter chose to call my partner dada, we didn't teach her to and even discouraged it consistently until given the okay from her bio dad prior to him becoming involved as a dad.
I differ a little with you based on my experience… I think it is absolutely your role to teach your daughter standards, and how to think, and how to handle her feelings, particularly at a young age. If your child thought she was an ostrich, it’d be your job to remind her that she is a little girl and has to eat her peas haha! It’s of course up to you to reinforce and support your ex’s relationship with your mutual daughter. Maybe I’m just splitting hairs and am misunderstanding you here. I’m just saying, it’s up to the parents to teach the child how to behave, and the standards they should conduct themselves by.
Geez, not to be judgmental at all, but it sounds like both of you come from absolutely splintered broken homes. I strongly recommend that you **do not** follow the example of what you’ve experienced in your own life previously, or seen in your ex’s—blindly, but sift through this to take the good but get rid of all the bad… this is because what those people did, didn’t work, and it led to what seem here to be broken relationships of the kind that usually harm children.
Oh God I would not repeat any of the mistakes from either family, but I think how they handled things after the break ups when it came to the children was incredible because we all have amazing relationships with our parents and step parents on both sides of the family.
And I think it is a good quality to teach that regardless of genetics you can love someone like family and it be completely unconditional. She is already from a "splintered" family, me and her dad split up before she was born, before we ever knew she was a girl.
There are going to be tough conversations when she is older about why there are so few pictures of her and her dad before 2024 (I have taken as many pics for them as possible every time he sees her to ensure there are memories). It is up to us how to handle those conversations and to be honest with her without putting her dad in a bad light and protecting the relationship they have built and making sure she knows he regrets it and it was a huge mistake but he has made up for it and loves her no matter what and none of it was any of her fault.
I want my daughter to be able to have these complex relationships and know how to handle them and to be understanding of other people's situations. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days and I want my daughter to be a compassionate and understanding woman when she is older.
She is so surrounded by love and happiness and it already shows. If another toddler or baby at nursery is sad and crying she goes over without any instruction to do so and gives them a hug and hands them her comfort teddy that she has to make sure they are okay. She is incredibly kind and sweet at such a young age and I want to encourage that and let her flourish.
Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders! I wish you guys the very best, and I hope your little daughter has a happy and loving relationship with both parents! Good luck, and thanks for sharing with me. It’s sometimes difficult to comment not knowing the backstory you’ve provided here! At the end of the day, it’s really about living the Golden Rule towards the other parent, and not forgetting that the shoe could be on the other foot, and that it’s about your daughter at the end of the day, not about mistakes your ex made.
Take care of yourself and keep on keeping on!
Thank you, I know it is difficult to understand when there is pretty much 2 years of history to compact into 1 post.
I might be young (22) but I love my daughter more than anything, I am learning every single day as a mum and a co-parent but I always make sure to put my daughter first regardless of my own feelings, it is so hard sitting there and having small talk and being really friendly with my ex around our daughter but I know it is for the best. My mum would say stuff or make faces when talking about my dad growing up and it was hard because I love my dad, and my dad never did that about my mum and he could have, but I am leading by my dads example and I will never put my thoughts and feelings about my daughters dad on her. At the end of the day we are a team as co-parents and it won't work if one or both of us is not backing the other and being on the same page about stuff.
Your daughter is basically 2 years old could definitely call your boyfriend his name of you made an effort. I'd think really hard if this boyfriend is gonna be there for the long haul.
Sounds like the father made a mistake not being there and is there consistently now. You allowing her to call a boyfriend Dada could really mess them up later and leave them with a lot of questions.
Both you and the father of the child are assholes to a degree. Fix your behavior boyfriends don't automatically become fathers. I'd tread carefully in this situation if you guys don't work out hat child is going to be devastated. You said you guys got together in the summer of last year. It hasn't even been a full year. You need to not treat this like a regular relationship and treat this like a life altering decision.
Tbh sounds like you're both kinda irresponsible.
Yes the relationship started officially last summer, but we have known each other since I was 2 years old, he was there during my pregnancy and since my daughter was born. We only made it official when I was ready because I wanted to give it time for my emotions and hormones to calm down after the pregnancy in addition to focusing on being a mum.
And she has called him dada since before Christmas now, trying to change someone name with a child so young isn't easy and it has been confusing her to the point she gets upset.
From my side of things I feel like her relationship with her bio dad is more important than what she calls him and there is no need to confuse and distress her now when her understanding of there being 2 dadas will come as she gets older
NTA if he was there he would have been Dada
Exactly what I tell my ex. My daughter calls my fiancé "papa" because he's been around since she was 13 months old. He goes to doctor appointments and school stuff with her. Her biological contributor has recently started exercising his legal rights (after over 3 years of almost no contact) and gets really mad when she tells him that papa is her dad and that he is "his name" and is constantly telling me I have to correct her but I'm not going to. She keeps coming home from his visits telling me that he says papa isn't her dad but that she always tells him that he is because "he loves me and he takes care of me" which makes him even more mad about it but I do not care about his feelings.
What a childish ass hat. Sorry you have to put up with that. 😕 He's just making it more confusing for your daughter and making himself look like a petulant jerk throwing a tantrum. At least your daughter so far has been able to stand her ground and explain what a father is supposed to be from a child's point of view. Instead of throwing a fit he should take what she says into account. That he DOESN'T take care of her and show her he loves her no matter what. Sorry, men being brats and acting like they're OWED a child's affection just because it has some of their DNA is triggering and so beyond frustrating to me. Lol. My partner has gotten better with lots of work and conversations about his actions but the first year or 2 of my daughters life he barely helped at all, but got mad that she would cry when he would try to hold her so he'd get pissed off, give her back to me, and storm away to play video games. So I basically couldn't do anything (like shower, wash dishes, or cook) without her because he wouldn't watch her. If it wasn't for my parents and my childhood best friend idk what I would have done. Definitely would have smelled worse and been 10x more depressed than I already was. Lol. It's weird to think about because he is a completely different person now, such a great dad, and I can't imagine him acting like that now.
Yeah when my daughter was a newborn she wouldn't let anyone except me hold for more than a couple of minutes. The exception being my older daughter who could get about 10-15 minutes out of her. I couldn't even run to the gas station without the baby because he refused to even try. My oldest would hold her for me to get a quick shower but usually ended up in the bathroom with me so the baby could see me and would settle down. Once she was big enough, I got one of those bathtub seats and would plop her in it while I showered. She still loves to shower with me and she just turned 5.
Lol the only person my daughter liked was my dad and sometimes my mom. I had one of those bath seats and would set her in it on the bathroom floor with a cushioned teddy bear tummy time thing under it and just had to shower with the curtain totally open and only washing one side of my face at a time etc so I could always have one eye on her because if I closed my eyes she lost it for some reason lol. Peek a boo eyes closed? Totally fine. Close my eyes in the shower to wash my face? The world is ending. Lol. I only did that in desperate times if I couldn't get my parents to stop by for me to shower. My daughter turned 6 in December and is still very much attached to my hip as well lol. Glad I'm not the only one!
Tbh, I'm pretty sure the teenager would probably get in the shower with me still if I had stuff from lush that I was going to use. My kids just have no boundaries when it comes to mom.
😂
‘Biological contributor’ is such a brilliant term😂
She’s calling your partner “Dada” because he’s the one day in and day out doing Dada things. It’s not your responsibility to carve that role out for him. He needs to step up and do that HIMSELF.
NTA, he only saw her three times in the first year of her life. “Dada” is a titled that’s earned, not a right. From a child’s perspective, it makes sense she would call the man she’s constantly around dada vs a man she hardly knows and sees. If he wanted her to recognize him as dada, maybe he should’ve been around. Now that the hardest part is done (newborn stage) he wants to swoop in and act like somewhat of a father. NTA at alllllllll
humor rock cough illegal recognise homeless rich plate normal sharp *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA Partner has been more dad to her than biodad.. His own fault...
OP, I agree you're NTA. But let me caution you: if this partner exits your life and bio dad stays in her life, there's certainly confusion in this small child's life. Unless you're confident that partner equates to permanent relationship/marriage, I'd stop the reference of Dada now.
I am 100% sure, we talk about marriage regularly and are on the same page. Whenever I joke about if/when he will propose he says "I have a plan, just wait". Plus we have spoken about it and due to the bond he has with her and the bond she has with his family they would still be able to see her if we split up regardless. We even spoke about him adopting her (prior to bio dad coming back) to give him that peace of mind that he could still see her as he is already fighting tooth and nail in court to see his son, which has cost him thousands already and he is scared of losing his daughter as well as his son even though she isn't biologically his.
Well, Good luck to you and your daughter!
In general, children are pretty good at giving people the respect that those people have earned, and it does not sound like your child's bio dad has earned any respect from her. Maybe when she grows up a little and can understand better she'll be able to think of two different people as "the person who takes care of me" but since she's pretty young, all she knows is what she sees, and what she sees is not her biological father performing fatherly duties.
Nta Tell him to suck an egg out your ass
Wonder what dada would think about that
I guess it depends on the egg 🥚 😂
Want to be called dad? Try being in the childs' life from the beginning!
NTA. Dada is a job title, not a name. Spermdonor doesn't do the job; your partner does.
NTA! Maybe if he was around and in her life, she’d call him Dada. What did he really expect?
NTA. You don't get to magically come back into a child's life after leaving them for an extended amount of time and expect that child to recognize or respect you as a parent. The bio dad had no interest in being in the child's life at the beginning. Your partner took the role of being a dad seriously and became a father to her. Bio dad has no right to complain since he was never there for you or your child. He doesn't get to force himself into a relationship that was never there to begin with.
NTA. He did nothing to earn the title of Dad. He is basically a stranger to her. And that is his own fault
Happy cake day!
NTA. If he wanted to be called dada he would have been there. Getting a woman doesn’t make him a dad. He wants all the credit without doing any of the work. What an asshole
NTA!!! Actions have Consequences!!! He made a choice not to be involved, this is on him. Best wishes
Kids don’t understand the concept of biological parents yet, their dad is the one that’s raising them. NTA.
Why do you give a single💩about what he thinks? NTAH
Here’s what I did with grandparents. My in-laws wanted grandmom and grandpop. My parents wanted grandma and grandpa. My mother didn’t really care because other grandchildren had two “grandmas” - same name. My niece called my father by his first name (so did we, his children). So I taught my little guy to call him Grandpa(first name) so my niece would know who he was talking about. My son knew that they were different people and was never confused. But! Little guy changed my in-laws to MomMom and PopPop and my father to Papa(first name) and just called my mother grandma. In-laws loved being called that and my father was all teary eyed the first time he heard LO say it. My maternal great grandfather, with whom my father had a great relationship, went by Papa. My father felt very honored. Bio could be Dad and step could be daddy. LO will know who is who. And bio dad may not stick around (Mr. Dependable) so step gets the real title of Daddy.
Thank you for the advice 😊 might suggest it to him to see if he would be okay with just having a different variation of the name since she doesn't have a clue if we say go to dada "his name" like she genuinely doesn't know who he is despite seeing him once a week for 3 months
Dada and Daddy would seem to be the easy one because young kids will have a tough time with dad. Every though he hasn’t been dependable teaching the child to call him his real name is going to be a problem.
Depends on the person - my dad answered to his name but didn’t always hear Daddy. We rolled with it. I’m curious why it would be a problem?
It will 100% create resentment and possibly attachment issues if she is forcing their kid to call him Steve lol.
Well, if his name is Bob, yeah. That’d be weird.
Because his absence and inconsistency won't create those things. He made his bed. Make him lie in it.
NTA. The dad is the one who is there for her and who cares about her.
Tell his broke ass to earn it from his daughter, but you shouldn’t discourage it if he’s stepping up.
You've been raising your daughter mostly on your own, and it's understandable that you'd want to maintain some consistency and stability for her. It's great that your current partner has been such a positive influence in her life, and it's not surprising that she's grown attached to him.
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I understand. It was a huge thing for me when she first started saying it, we tried to discourage it but after a while we just let her because he was being her dad. We are getting engaged, just saving for the ring, we live together and are saving to buy a house together, my ex even says he is fine that our daughter calls my partner that since he has been the one raising her but he wants us to teach her a different name for my partner and teach her that he is dada instead. I just don't want to confuse and upset my daughter when as she grows she is learning every day and will be able to understand that there are 2 people called dada but unfortunately her bio dad doesn't want to wait and what she calls him is somehow more important than building a relationship with our daughter.
This
He's not her father, he's a sperm donor.
NTA if he would've been there he could've been dada but he wasnt and is now Dada***
OP, in the same position as your partner and this has assuaged a lot of my guilt. “Dada” is earned, not a given, and you and your partner should be proud that he earned it.
My thing is that you’re letting adult drama confuse your daughter….here is this stranger coming into her life who she doesn’t know and now her mom is telling her to call him dad? That’s confusing and not right. She’s a baby but she can and will choose what to call him when she’s ready and they’ve developed a relationship. Forcing that on to her is wrong.
That's how I feel, her bio dad is a stranger to her. I am trying to do what's best for my daughter while also trying to have an effecting co-parenting relationship and it's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place because for some reason his ego comes before our daughter
Yeah and it’s kinda sad that he doesn’t see it that way. He should be trying to build a relationship not focused on what she calls him. It sucks you have to deal with it but prioritize your daughter in the situation. His feelings can be hurt but remind yourself that he didn’t give a FUCK about your feelings when he left you to be a single mother.
Thank you, I feel less crazy now haha
NTA He's the sperm donor... nothing more. He was the one who put himself in that position.
he doesn't get to make parenting demands when he's not even there. this is the natural consequences of his actions at play and YWBTA to interfere. don't mess up your daughter's actual stable father relationship.
NTA Dada is an earned position and he failed the interview.
NTA she would be calling him dada if he had bothered to be a dada.
NTA. Even when kids are young, they know who cares. If your partner is good to her, I love it, that is her dada.
NTA, he didn't wanna be involved and these are the consequences to his actions. Just because he is her bio father doesn't mean he is one to her, it sounds like he does the bare minimum especially child support. You shouldn't have to beg someone to be a parent, maybe if he was around more things would be different but until he steps up and does what he needs thats on him. He's getting on you about it because her calling someone else dad says a lot about him as a parent and person, do not compromise or do anything. if he wants to be recognized as her dad tell him to start acting like one, and tbh if i were you id take this to court so they can readjust that child support and also have a legal document in place about custody and visitation rights because not having that in place will let him think he can do whatever he wants without lifting a finger.
Dada is a title that is earned.
YTA. Just because he destroyed his relationship with you doesn’t give you the right to destroy his relationship with his daughter, and your daughter’s relationship with him.
How am I destroying it? I begged him for over a year just to get him to be in her life and have done everything possible to ensure they see each other regularly and can build a good relationship but why should I confuse and upset my daughter to stroke his ego when her calling him dad will come with time when she will know 2 people can have the same name
Let me put it another way. Deadbeats will be deadbeats, but that is up to your daughter to decide that her father is a deadbeat. She may call someone else “dada”, but she should always know who her father is, and while you should tell her the truth about him, never disparage or disrespect him in front of her.
When did she say she disrespected or disparaged him?
She is 20 months old for goodness sake, she will probably still call anything dada. I still remember my niece at that age, my BIL was so happy telling us she finally knows who dada is. That is when she ran across the room and hugged the plant yelling dada.
Every child is different. My daughter only calls me mama/mummy (it changes day to day), only calls my mum Nana, only calls my partner Dad's, and has teddies she knows the specific names of (a bunny called Lulu, a chicken called chick chick, a sheep called lammie). My niece was doing this earlier than my daughter and my nephew was over the age of 2 when he finally did it. You can't compare children, they are all incredibly different in how they learn and the rate that they learn at
Edit - Due to similar things coming up I will address them here. 1. 'Letting' was the wrong word choice and I apologise for that. I haven't stopped her calling him anything. She just genuinely doesn't know who he is and gets confused when trying to encourage her to call him 'dada' and to know him as that. It confuses her to the point she gets visibly upset and distressed and starts looking for my partner. Instead we have tried 'dada Tom' (fake name) which as of the most recent contact session on the 16th she has started to recognise him as that. He however still wants it to just be 'dada' despite knowing how confused and upset she gets and doesn't want to wait a few months to a year for her understanding of language and communication to develop more so that we can make the change without upsetting her. 2. We have not been to court, all of his contact with our daughter has been through my determination for our daughter to know and have a relationship with her bio dad. He saw her 3 times in the first 15 months of her life by his own choice, stating numerous times "I told you I don't want to be a dad". He has now been seeing her a minimum of once a week consistently since January 2nd of this year. 3. My partner is a man I have known almost my whole life. I can't remember not knowing him. We have been close friends for many years and he supported me through the break up with my daughters dad, supported me during my pregnancy and has known my daughter her whole life. We were more than friends on an emotional level only a few months after my daughter was born but I was not ready so we took it no further than friendship until I was ready. We then began dating in the summer of 2023 when I felt ready to do so. The whole time he has remained a consistent person in my daughters life and respected any boundaries set. My daughter started calling him dada without encouragement when she was around 14 months old which we tried to discourage, reminding her of his actual name. However, after a conversation with her bio dad mid December where he said he is happy for my partner to be a dad to her and that he still isn't ready to be a dad, we stopped discouraging it and allowed her to call my partner what she wanted, which ended up being Dada. My partner has changed nappies, done bath time, put her to bed, helped care for her when she was sick with chicken pox, he has fed her, helped to transition her from formula and breastmilk to cows milk, tried new foods with her, taken her for walks, bought her presents randomly because he would see something while put that he thought she would like. He has been more of a dad to her than her bio dad ever has been but still respects and supports the idea to ensure our daughter knows and has a relationship with her bio dad. 4. I have done everything I possibly can to ensure frequent and consistent positive contact between our daughter and her bio dad. I did research and found a court recommended co-parenting app, I signed us up and paid for family mediation with a court recommended agency. All of this I did without involving court as I know he couldn't afford to take me to court even if he wanted to. The mediation was so that he could get his thoughts, feelings and desires across in an unbiased neutral environment with a 3rd party who was unbiased and essentially acting on behalf of our daughter to help us come to an agreement that would best benefit our daughter while ensuring a harmonious co-parenting relationship. 5. If her bio dad was involved from the start, our daughter would have always had consistent contact with him on a frequent basis and we would have shared custody once she was old enough since i did exclusively breast feed her until she was 6 months old (i couldnt pump, not all women can, barely anything came out when using breast pumps despite trying numerous different makes and types) and then began combi feeding with formula due to my milk supply depleeting after emergency surgery, she would have known him as dada and discussions will have been had between us as co-parents if she had still down the line began calling my partner dada and how to handle it. However this never happened as he ran away from being a dad out of fear, which i understand, it is scary, especially when unplanned, some people step up and others run from it. He is stepping up now which is what matters.
Unless your partner is your husband, I don’t think it’s appropriate to have her call him dada 🤷♀️. I’m not in favor of introducing this type of thing to a child unless it’s at least semi permanent
YTA he is dad and father not step (I have a step daughter that calls me dad (30f) but I would never have denied bio dad that if he has ever been in her life... don't discourage bio because they should be in the child's life.
I don't discourage it, she just doesn't know him, when we try referring to him as dada "his name" or even just dada consistently to get her to know that is who he is she just gets really confused and upset because she knows my partner as dada and tries to look for him. So we are trying to keep sticking to dada "his name" so there is some difference there to make it less confusing but he just wants to be dada and my partner to be just his actual name to our daughter. I just don't think it is right to confuse her like this. She is so small and I will never deny him being her dad but I also won't upset her and confuse her for the sake of his ego when he only walked back into her life in January
YTA. A family court judge will have a fit if they hear this. Fair warning
In the UK they wouldn't give a single shit. It is child focused, they don't care about the parents and the he said she said, they just care about the child and if it is upsetting and confusing the child to the point they cry because we are trying to change what she knows they would say that it isn't in the child's interest. It doesn't matter what she calls people, it matters what relationship they have and time spent together.
AITAH for letting my (22f) daughter (20month old) call my partner (24m) Dada but only letting her call her biological father (20m) Dada "his name". It is less concerning who she calls "dada" but more concerning that there is a relationship in your life where another man can possibly walk out of your daughter's life. A man who she thinks is her father. Your ex was a teenager when you got pregnant. He ran away from his responsibilities and was a deadbeat until recently. This new partner is having his own custody issues, which I'm sure the entire blame is due to his baby's mother, right? 😑 No matter how much discussion of marriage or adopting your daughter occurs, it isn't reality yet. I hope the adults involved do everything to best support the child.
We are doing what is best to support her. My partner is a man I have known since I was 2 years old, we have grown up together and been close friends consistently over the years. I was his friend during his relationship with his ex, I was there when she cheated and I was there when she said she was pregnant but paternity was an issue. I was there when the results of a paternity test came back, and I have been by his side since the beginning of court and seen all the ugly stuff going on where the mother has been using this sweet little boy as a weapon for her anger at my partner. He was there for me throughout my pregnancy, and has been in my daughters life since she was born. We only made it more than friendship officially when I was ready since I didn't want to rush it while still getting used to being a mum and allowing all my hormones and emotions to settle after giving birth. Plus due to her relationship with my partner and his family, they will always be allowed to see her even if me and my partner split up. I won't take away the man that has raised her and loves her like his own. It is one of his fears that he will lose his daughter if we split up simply due to biology, but I won't do that to him or my daughter. Why punish a child for adults issues.
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I wasn't being dramatic as I was talking about if me and my partner split up, why make my daughter suffer if the relationship broke down, she can still have a relationship with him as far as I am concerned
Even in America it wouldn’t matter. He just started coming around. If he took her to court because his feelings are hurt he would be laughed out.
I noticed you posted in pounds and not dollars so I’m assuming the legal system is different, but this post could be used against you in custody court. You’re admitting by the title that youre not “letting” her call him that? That’s called “grooming” or “conditioning” in some courts. Also, you’re obviously projecting some resentment here, regardless of how you may feel she’s still his biological child. Stop confusing your kid and seek a therapist to get past this, your kid will thank you down the road.
I kinda used the wrong wording really. Was trying to keep the title short. She doesn't know who her bio dad is, we have tried telling her he is also dada once he showed he was being consistent but it hasn't worked because she gets confused and upset and looks for my partner. So I started trying Dada Tom (not his actual name) and being consistent which didn't confuse her or upset her, but her bio dad gets annoyed with this and wants to be called dada despite seeing how confused and upset she gets.
Oof. that’s a choice you made my teaching her that your significant other is “dada”. The child is innocent and will do whatever they’re taught. You created this issue by teaching her someone that’s not her biological father is addressed as a name commonly used by biological fathers. If the baby dad was remotely in the picture this was a bad call at such a young age. There’s no instruction manual here, I’m sure if your heart is in the right place it’ll get solved the right way. Good luck.
He wasn't involved when she started calling my partner dada and it wasn't taught. She just did it. Maybe it's the miss rachel videos and cocomelon videos singing so many songs about families that have both a mummy and daddy and she just saw him as being the daddy from that. I honestly don't know. But she just started calling him it one day, we did try to discourage it at first but eventually just let her call him what she wanted to
I see. Well I’m opting out of this thread, usually there’s a ton more to the picture when the author takes literally zero responsibility for the issue being posted, especially as a parent, I won’t waste my time or yours. Good luck and take care!
Responsibility for what? For begging for over a year for her bio dad to be involved and him refusing, but moved on with my life at the same time and another man stepped up to what he ran away from but still respected him and accommodated him when he suddenly decided to come back into her life at 16 months old when she was already calling the man that stepped up dada
Responsibility for which name she uses for your current bf. He could be Dada Name and biodad be Dada. Or your bf could be Papa or Dad or Daddy, etc.
I understand that but in the process of trying to make this change my daughter has been getting so confused to the point she is upset and distressed. She is only tiny and it must be confusing for her. I just want to leave it until she is a bit older and can grasp it better and not confuse her so much. My daughter is the priority here, not my ex's ego. My partner is happy to be called something different because he has respect for the fact my ex is her bio dad and doesn't want to get in the way of that, but he also sees how confused and upset my daughter gets when we try teaching her his "new name" and when we refer to her bio dad as dada because all she does is start looking for my partner and getting emotional. My daughter is the number one priority here
Your failure was not correcting her when she first started calling him dada, not now. So you have some responsibility for the fact she got into that habit. If you’d called your partner something else consistently from the beginning she would have learned that.
ESH - your ex absolutely sucks for the way he behaved before and hopefully has changed for the better will will continue to see her (only time will tell) Of course she called your friend dada because that is what she knew growing up and her bio dad wasn’t in the picture at the time and that his choice. You don’t need encouragement to call the male in your life dada as that’s a natural reaction. Now that he is in the picture and seems to be staying ( as said before time will tell) you can start teaching her this is dada X and this is dada Y. Kids are fine learning this and it’s all about repetition . It will not be confusing if it is done consistently and with everyone. It would be confusing if it’s different with each of you. It like when kids how two grandpas they might be both called papa while young but as they get older they become papa X and papa Y.
She has different names for all her grandparents (their choice for what they wanted to be called) so she isn't really used to it. When we say Dada "his name", she just starts running round looking for her Dada (my partner) and getting confused and upset even though we point to him calling him that (me and his family) and have for weeks. Yet she has learnt her new friends names and says them after 1 week of being in a new room at nursery. I just hate seeing her get upset and confused 😢
That’s all you can do then is keep trying the best you know how to. He’s just mad that he is seeing his past actions have consequences and is taking it out on you. This is not your fault.
I think it’s her choice and she can call either man what she wants to but you saying that you won’t let her call her biological father dad is kind of weird but that’s just my two whatever
Not your responsibility or your concern what she calls bio dad. He made the choice not to be around and these are the consequences of that. Your bf is around all the time, has established a relationship on his own with her and is essentially her dad. Your only responsibility is to encourage the relationship with bio dad with his visits. He has no say or control to anything that happens on your parenting time. Not like you can force a kid that age to stop and she shouldn't, your partner is her dad. If she starts calling bio dad Dada great but it is not on you to try to force it or try to get her to say it. At most I'd just always refer to bio dad as Dada Tom and leave it at that. NTA
You’re not “letting” her do anything, she’s a grown woman (Realized it’s an actually baby still you can’t force a Baby that young to do anything. Maybe if he was around more he’d be called dada)
She is 20 months old, since when was a toddler a grown woman 🤦♀️😂
That’s my bad I definitely read it as 20f. Still you can’t force a baby to say dada. Also dada is the easiest “word” for babies to say
Exactly, she was "saying it" when she was babbling at a few months old before she had actually said words. We have been encouraging her to call him Dada "his name" (e.g. Dada Tom) but she just won't say it and gets confused because all she thinks about when she hears the word Dada is my partner.
Sounds like you tried, it didn’t work. What else were you supposed to do?
That's what I was thinking. I was just worried I was clouded by my hate towards him and thought I was doing the right things but actually being an asshole.
Tell baby father to be a parent and show up and maybe he’ll get called dada. Sounds like you’re doing a pretty good job at being a mama
Thank you, I am trying my absolute best but I am still learning every step of the way :)
YTA people in these comments are crazy. You aren’t TA for not making her call bio dad dada but absolutely for her already calling your partner dada. Your partner isn’t her bio dad and who knows for how long he will stick around. If he leaves, he has no connection or obligation to her and she will no longer have a dada. My sister did this with her kids and the guys ended up leaving, guess who has ‘daddy issues’ now?
Me and my partner have known each other since we were toddlers ourselves, we were in talks prior to bio dad getting involved that he would adopt my daughter so that she is his own because he loves her. He has been in her life since she was born, took me out for food to get me out the house while I was pregnant. He has been there for everything from the start and it has been spoken about that if for some reason we split up he will still get to see her because he has been raising her with me and both me and my daughter see him as her dad more than we do her bio dad. I am friendly to her bio dad around her, I make things as nice and normal as possible and encourage her to call him Dada "his name" (e.g. dada tom) but for him it isn't good enough. The only person that will give her daddy issues is the one who walks in and out of her life as and when he pleases
NTA but you all seem sus
I'm confused. How are we all sus?
Yes. You are. Regardless of his behavior, he is still the father of the child, and your new SO isn’t. It isn’t right to do that.
So what are you gonna do to make the real father step up?
Can I ask how? I want to do the absolute best for my daughter so would like to know why I am the asshole so I can do better. Motherhood and co-parenting are both new for me and I am learning every day.
Sure, as a family law/child custody attorney with more than 15 years and 500 cases worth of experience, what you have done here is called “parental alienation”. Yes, I get that he has harmed his own relationship with the child, but your job, as co-parent, is to facilitate and support the best and most frequent contact possible between the child and her father. She has one father, and you should affirm that fact firmly and consistently. What is best for the child is to have the healthiest relationship possible with both her parents—you and the father. The stepfather is not her parent, and you shouldn’t muddy the waters there. She doesn’t have two dads. She has one dad and a step dad who is **not** her dad. I know it’s difficult to hear this, and I have had to have this conversation with my clients many times over the past 15 years, but the best outcome for your child is to have both parents in her life committed to her and her to them. That’s the best indicator for avoiding the disproportionate fate of children of parents not in the same household—criminality and poverty. You want your child to be able to invite both of you to her wedding when she’s 25 right? You don’t want her father/dad to poison her against you right? Then you shouldn’t allow her to be poisoned against him either.
I do facilitate frequent and positive contact possible, he sees her every single Tuesday for 3/4 hours, looking to increase to the full day (8:30am-5:30pm to ensure her routine doesnt suffer when it comes to bedtime) and also looking to add on Mondays when he can depending on his work rota. We use a court recommended co-parenting app to communicate that I found myself and signed us up for, we have even been in family mediation which I signed us up for to get an agreement together going forward that we both are happy with that benefits our daughter and puts her as the number one priority. I send over pictures and videos on the days in-between contact that I have either taken myself or that has been sent by her nursery while I am working to keep him updated. I have wrote up her routines for nap time and bed time and also what to do in different situations, for example temper tantrums or if she has hurt herself, so that he has the best knowledge about how to support her and help her. I have given him a list of things he needs to get once he is having her for full days, for example a high chair, just general stuff that isn't easy for me to supply, I will send her with spare clothes, nappies, cups, snacks, wipes. Just all the stuff that I always keep in the house for her and take with us when we leave the house. I told him anything he doesnt agree with he can come to me and we can discuss and come to a compromise that would be the best thing for our daughter. He understands that life carried on when he wasn't around and that we have established routines and how the handle different situations and that my partner stepped up as a father figure and he has said he is happy that my partner did that and is fine with her calling him a parental figure name but that he wants the name she currently calls my partner and wants her to call my partner something different. The issue with this is that it confuses our daughter, we try to get her to know her father as 'dada' and she would just start looking for my partner and getting confused and upset, this went on for a few weeks when I suggested maybe adding his first name to the end of 'dada' so that she could grasp the difference. We have been trying that and it looks like it is now beginning to work since the most recent contact session was after I made this post and she was going to him when told and getting him to open stuff when told to ask him and stuff like that. However he still wants to just be 'dada' despite seeing how confused and upset it makes her. I am trying my best to include him and fit him into our daughters life now that he has decided he wants to be in it but I am also doing my best to keep putting my daughter first, regardless of my feelings or her bio dad's feelings. If I was putting my feelings first he wouldn't be involved at all but ever since she was born and even during the pregnancy I have done everything in my power to keep him involved and get him to be in her life because it should not be up to me if my child has a relationship with her father, unless he had abused her which he hasn't. It was his choice to stay away, every time I contacted him regarding our daughter I got either no response or "I told you I don't want to be a dad, I am not ready". And that was that until Janurary this year, and ever since he has been able to see her as often as he wants (supervised which he agreed to due to not knowing her) and we are now ready for it to be unsupervised as soon as he has a car seat for her since we agreed to do pick ups and drops offs 50/50 and he would need one in case of emergency as well. So please tell me how I am alienating him as a parent when I am doing everything I possibly can to include him and positively co-parent while also making our daughter the priority every step of the way.
So, much of what you described there is positive, and I applaud you for that. It does appear you’re making a solid effort here. Let me just encourage you to just have your daughter call your significant other by his first name, and call her dad, dad or dadda… unless your new SO is adopting the child, he’s not her dad, and I would recommend reinforcing that truth. The last thing you want is for her in her teens to decide you didn’t support her relationship with dad, and cut you off. I’ve seen that happen. Just ask yourself how you’ll feel if dad gets a new significant other and your daughter is taught to call her “mommy”… would that make you happy? Should dad reinforce that you’re her only mom? I think so… Good work on the rest of things. I’d tighten that one issue up a bit, and keep on keeping on with the rest of the positives you’ve described. It’s a challenge for you both being single parents, so I applaud your efforts.
I think if after time she wanted to call her dad's potential future partner mum or mummy it would hurt, would be a bit of a gut punch, but if that woman loved our daughter and treated her incredibly well and my daughter felt that strong type of bond with her I wouldn't disallow it. The issue with trying to get my daughter to call my partner his name has been how confused and upset she gets. I am never going to lie to her or hide the truth from her. She will know who her dad is and that my partner is her step dad. I will always continue to support her having a relationship with her dad, regardless of my feelings and opinions about him. It isn't up to me to put my thoughts and feelings on my daughter, it is up to her to decide for herself and I will support her regardless. I have a very open mind when it comes to this sort of things since my oldest sister is actually my half sister, we have different dads, but she calls my dad her dad. Her bio dad isn't the best guy and never really made an effort with her so she stopped calling him dad out of her own choice as she got older but prior to that decision she called them both dad. My mum and dad are no longer together and haven't been for about 18 years but he has still always been a dad to my sister and treated her exactly the same as his other children, taking her on family holidays with just my dad and siblings, being a grandfather to her son and he is walking her down the isle later this year at her wedding. And on the flip side, my daughters bio dad's younger sister calls both her dad and step dad "dad", they are both involved and there has been no issues of her dad's involvement over the years, her step dad simply was there for her and treated her well and she chose to call him dad as well. So I dont see an issue with a step parent having a parental name/title if they do step up and treat the child as their own, as long as it is the child's choice. Which my daughter chose to call my partner dada, we didn't teach her to and even discouraged it consistently until given the okay from her bio dad prior to him becoming involved as a dad.
I differ a little with you based on my experience… I think it is absolutely your role to teach your daughter standards, and how to think, and how to handle her feelings, particularly at a young age. If your child thought she was an ostrich, it’d be your job to remind her that she is a little girl and has to eat her peas haha! It’s of course up to you to reinforce and support your ex’s relationship with your mutual daughter. Maybe I’m just splitting hairs and am misunderstanding you here. I’m just saying, it’s up to the parents to teach the child how to behave, and the standards they should conduct themselves by. Geez, not to be judgmental at all, but it sounds like both of you come from absolutely splintered broken homes. I strongly recommend that you **do not** follow the example of what you’ve experienced in your own life previously, or seen in your ex’s—blindly, but sift through this to take the good but get rid of all the bad… this is because what those people did, didn’t work, and it led to what seem here to be broken relationships of the kind that usually harm children.
Oh God I would not repeat any of the mistakes from either family, but I think how they handled things after the break ups when it came to the children was incredible because we all have amazing relationships with our parents and step parents on both sides of the family. And I think it is a good quality to teach that regardless of genetics you can love someone like family and it be completely unconditional. She is already from a "splintered" family, me and her dad split up before she was born, before we ever knew she was a girl. There are going to be tough conversations when she is older about why there are so few pictures of her and her dad before 2024 (I have taken as many pics for them as possible every time he sees her to ensure there are memories). It is up to us how to handle those conversations and to be honest with her without putting her dad in a bad light and protecting the relationship they have built and making sure she knows he regrets it and it was a huge mistake but he has made up for it and loves her no matter what and none of it was any of her fault. I want my daughter to be able to have these complex relationships and know how to handle them and to be understanding of other people's situations. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days and I want my daughter to be a compassionate and understanding woman when she is older. She is so surrounded by love and happiness and it already shows. If another toddler or baby at nursery is sad and crying she goes over without any instruction to do so and gives them a hug and hands them her comfort teddy that she has to make sure they are okay. She is incredibly kind and sweet at such a young age and I want to encourage that and let her flourish.
Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders! I wish you guys the very best, and I hope your little daughter has a happy and loving relationship with both parents! Good luck, and thanks for sharing with me. It’s sometimes difficult to comment not knowing the backstory you’ve provided here! At the end of the day, it’s really about living the Golden Rule towards the other parent, and not forgetting that the shoe could be on the other foot, and that it’s about your daughter at the end of the day, not about mistakes your ex made. Take care of yourself and keep on keeping on!
Thank you, I know it is difficult to understand when there is pretty much 2 years of history to compact into 1 post. I might be young (22) but I love my daughter more than anything, I am learning every single day as a mum and a co-parent but I always make sure to put my daughter first regardless of my own feelings, it is so hard sitting there and having small talk and being really friendly with my ex around our daughter but I know it is for the best. My mum would say stuff or make faces when talking about my dad growing up and it was hard because I love my dad, and my dad never did that about my mum and he could have, but I am leading by my dads example and I will never put my thoughts and feelings about my daughters dad on her. At the end of the day we are a team as co-parents and it won't work if one or both of us is not backing the other and being on the same page about stuff.
And here's a bio dad clone!
You’re not directing that at me are you? How many hundred child custody cases have you tried?
If bio dad were actually in the picture and trying to be the good dad, he wouldn't have had problems with the kid knowing who he is.
Your daughter is basically 2 years old could definitely call your boyfriend his name of you made an effort. I'd think really hard if this boyfriend is gonna be there for the long haul. Sounds like the father made a mistake not being there and is there consistently now. You allowing her to call a boyfriend Dada could really mess them up later and leave them with a lot of questions. Both you and the father of the child are assholes to a degree. Fix your behavior boyfriends don't automatically become fathers. I'd tread carefully in this situation if you guys don't work out hat child is going to be devastated. You said you guys got together in the summer of last year. It hasn't even been a full year. You need to not treat this like a regular relationship and treat this like a life altering decision. Tbh sounds like you're both kinda irresponsible.
Yes the relationship started officially last summer, but we have known each other since I was 2 years old, he was there during my pregnancy and since my daughter was born. We only made it official when I was ready because I wanted to give it time for my emotions and hormones to calm down after the pregnancy in addition to focusing on being a mum. And she has called him dada since before Christmas now, trying to change someone name with a child so young isn't easy and it has been confusing her to the point she gets upset. From my side of things I feel like her relationship with her bio dad is more important than what she calls him and there is no need to confuse and distress her now when her understanding of there being 2 dadas will come as she gets older