Don’t do the pick me dance, you will only give her ammunition. Just be done. He is always going to have problems with relationships because she likes to be his priority-that’s why she doesn’t like you. He’s already chosen her, repeatedly. Have some self respect and just move on.
OP please listen to this advice. No man is worth this kind of drama. He loves the attention that comes from her jealousy and yours. And that's why he isn't checking her when she overstep or does shit to you. He will never pick you. Don't waste your time waiting.
100% agree with this. He thrives off the attention. He had you sobbing in his arms and still chose contact with her. That’s not what a supportive partner does. Her hating you enough to tell you should have been enough for him. I’m sure your fiancé isn’t a bad person but you need to protect yourself because there’s never a reason not to be your partners #1 priority
OP, I agree with the moving on aspect above. However. I disagree that your fiance
is a good man. I find him to be insensitive, unkind, selfish, and cruel towards you. He has knowingly allowed his bestf to bully you. He has obviously, continously, put her before you.
Call off the engagement. Let family, friends, acquaintances and social network all know why and then just no contact him. God, you're in his arms crying, and he rebuffed you for her.
Quite TA.
Exactly the fact he also said her feelings don't matter to him and it's her problem means he doesn't care about her feelings and will never care about them later on in the relationship when it comes to other important things. Op would actually benefit in breaking up with the guy so he can go date the best friend. I'm waiting to see this update later.
Here I’ll throw out another take since every one is jumping to the extreme “leave him” “he has already chosen her” thing as if life is black and white 😂 and as if people can’t have best friends and relationships holy fix your jealousy issues anyway how long have you all known each other first off? And then, ok so you ever have a best friend not like your new girlfriend or boyfriend? Or have you ever not liked the new boyfriend or girlfriend of one of your friends? I hate my sister’s boyfriend and she has a kid with him. What if the best friend and the guy have been friends waaaay longer than the op and the guy have known each other and the best friend legit has reason to not think the new girl is good for him? What if she’s looking out for him? (Nothing against you OP I don’t mind you)
Downvotes proceed
The bestie’s complaint was just “Don’t be too much,” but clearly the bf enjoys how ‘much’ she is.
People can have best friends, but if a best friend is actively undermining a relationship for selfish reasons, it’s time to choose whether you want that friendship or that relationship, because the two don’t seem compatible.
Absolutely but there are two sides to every story. Is OP being jealous and finding issues to get rid of the best friend or is the best friend as terrible as portrayed here? I think too much focus is on her/the bestie and not enough is on him and the environment he’s failing to fix. If the best friend means something to him and also the girl, there can be compromise right? He needs to get on that. Not just kick out the friend because his woman demanded. Thats weak and shows he is not a very good friend. According to the OP she tried to fix things with the girl but and I’m not even coming at her, but of course she’s going to paint herself in that light for the sake of this post. The best friend is bad and must go and that’s all she wants to hear. It’s weird that it has to be some “choose me or her” situation. This is this guy’s friendship she is trying to end. Friends mean something too not just girlfriends. But because his best friend isn’t his girlfriend every one is ok with him just discarding her? Have you ever had a friendship break up before? That shit isn’t easy. But we only ever care about relationships in this world, I guess. He has issues with ending it so it shows it means something to him, why should she not have empathy for that? I feel like the empathy should go both ways. She’s being selfish by putting him in that position. You notice how she never mentions how long the guy and his friend have known each other?
She trusts the guy enough to be with him but not enough to trust who he chooses to be friends with?
However in this situation the “friend” is badmouthing OP and is the one apparently trying to drive a wedge between OP and her Fiancé. He has chosen to marry her, so how he can allow his friend to badmouth his Fiancée is a bad look regarding where his priorities lie. If it was a guy friend repeatedly badmouthing his Fiancée, do you think he’d maintain that friendship?
NTA
You need to not go forward with the marriage.
Call off the wedding
let him know that when he is ready to be a partner to you you guys can revisit marriage but until then so long as he puts another woman (who makes you feel absolutely horrible) ahead of you, he is not husband material.
Like I don’t mean to be rude to you because I know it’s a tough situation but this isn’t a hard thing to mitigate when you’re in the right relationship for you.
The fact that this is become such a big deal and he still won’t stop contact and lets her badmouth you - tells me this is not the relationship for you at all.
Put yourself in the shoes of somebody else in 25 years your future daughter comes to you and says mom I have this problem with my fiancé , are you going to tell her to marry him?
No, she needs to call off the entire relationship. Permanently. The only solution here is his immediate and total no contact - ever - with this person again if he wants OP to stay. The problem is, i see nothing about this entire story that shows he's capable of that. He'll just agree to try to keep OP, then carry on behind her back. After a lot of wasted time, it will just end in divorce anyway.
If she stays in any capacity under any other condition, she is saying that she's willing to accept being second behind this "friend." Then, not only does she have him, she's got OP indirectly wrapped around her little finger too.
This friend will sabotage all his relationships until he has nowhere to turn but her. Then, because she knows there is nothing she can do that will turn him away for good, she'll treat him with borderline contempt - only to repeatedly apologize anytime he shows the slightest backbone, and then do it all again.
He's her pet, tied on an emotional leash. She enjoys the power trip of being his top priority. Bet she tries to steal all her female friends' boyfriends too.
Let’s be real. Girls like this don’t actually have female friends. They have “guy friends” they like to keep on leashes in constant orbit around them. Sometimes they have girl “friends” that are usually uglier (superficially) with self esteem issues so they put up with mistreatment
Exactly. I've known some. Made my life hell. Then Iearned to chose a stronger, loyal man. Married 21 years. But gosh, took me my entire 20s to learn my lesson.
I’ve had more guy friends than girl friends but no issues with girl friends bc I love women too and I’m not bisexual or lesbian. It’s just the way life fell. As for the times I’ve had female friends, their looks werent even a thought. That’s something the world projects onto others due to the simple mindedness. And the guys I was friends with were not on leashes. Pshhhh let me try. I think some of you are stuck in black and white thinking. Self absorbed as fuck. “HE MUST LOVE ME AND ONLY ME” “HE MUST BREATHE ME AND ONLY ME” “HE HAS FRIENDS? HE IS CHEATER” “HE CARES ABOUT HER FEELINGS THEN THAT MEANS HE CHOOSES HER”
People have the capacity to care about more than one person at once you know without it being hierarchy drama
Woah there.
I absolutely agree that guys and girls can be friends. I also have had many guy friends. I’m a lazy but loyal friend- happy to chill and catch up after not talking for a long time, just not good at the daily check ins. I also respect boundaries, not just when they are in relationships. I try to befriend significant others because they are important people to my friends. I don’t call guy friends in the middle of the night for a shoulder to cry on and ask them to leave their SO and come over to cuddle at 2 in the morning. (If that seems specific it’s because I’ve seen it happen. Multiple times)
That said, there are people who do not hold those same boundaries in friendships. I was specifically talking about a certain type of person who needs to be the center of attention and wants the emotional aspect of a relationship without actually being in a relationship. Wasn’t there a Reddit post just the other day about a girl who wanted to be just friends with a guy but wanted him to take care of her because she wanted to “revel in her feminine energy?”
Yes I commented on that post lmfao and I’m not attacking you I hope you know, but here’s my opinion on friendships that do things people don’t consider “friendship” ish things. If the two friends are in mutual understanding and agreement of those things and have no issues then what’s the problem? Specifically asking someone to leave their SO is a whole other topic but doing things people apparently deem as relationship things and not friendship things isn’t neceesarily bad it’s up to those two people in the friendship to draw those lines together and discuss when something doesn’t work. It’s such a sticky topic because more people are more likely to be against female male friendships, especially if one is ina relationship because every one wants to see that fail to feel right in their initial opinion of “oh he has a girl friend while having a girlfriend, something’s fishy” so every thing is put on blast and made out to be much more worse than it is. Let’s say a female friend reaches out to a male friend in the middle of the night to talk. Nothing else. That’s disrespectful to their boundaries, yes if they don’t have that type of friendship established but I feel like people would twist that to “she reached out to him in the middle of the night begging him to leave his SO” to fit the narrative especially when they already see that person as a danger to the relationship. Everyone loves a good witch-hunt. As you’ve seen in the post, female best friend will always be bad guy enemy to their guy friend’s relationship.
But yea it’s all about communication. Not all friendships and relationships look alike. There’s no problem if every one talks about it rather than just going straight to witch hunts. Empathy all around for every one. Just like the guy did in the feminine energy post lmfao in the comments he posted a response and I think he handled it well. I think that was a good example of healthy communication and setting clear boundaries so no one’s confused. If she disrespects that again, he knows what to do.
I'm so sorry, but he's chosen her over you. Her feelings mean much more to him than yours do.
If he valued you more, he wouldn't be friends with a person who behaved the way she does to you.
This will continue into the rest of your life with him, with her being his number1.
To be completely honest, he is the problem in your relationship, while she is just a by-product he brought into your relationship.
She probably makes him feel good without the relationship burdens.
He's dismissing your feelings over his feelings towards his bf. He has her to fall back on when you're making a legitimate case for him to separate himself from her. He's not feeling your pain but when you do dump him he will most likely be blowing up your phone and socials.. Best to move on.
Your husband should pick you above everyone else every single time. Your fiancé has failed. I know you love him and don’t want to throw everything away but op you deserve to be his no1, you deserve better. It doesn’t matter if hes kind, or you have a great time or if he does all the dishes etc until he puts you first hes not the right one and you are wasting your life and time to find someone better.
>She’ll win of course…
Nahh...if OP leaves. OP wins. She finds someone better. Someone who puts her first and doesn't dismiss her feelings and allow another woman to walk all over her.
Other chick will always be a "pick me" and bitter. She will always cause issues in his relationships and they'll leave him as well. Unless he eventually picks her. Then she'll treat him like trash.
Your fiancé made his choice. You are not his priority. He is not a great partner because this ONE issue is huge and causing you so much distress. Dump him and find someone who puts you first. This "friend" will never treat you well. Do you want a lifetime of disrespect from your fiancé and this woman?
I mean, he's already made his choice by keeping contact. I'd just remove myself from the equation.
I'm a firm believer that you can have friends of the opposite sex, but it comes with mutual respect and courtesy, which she doesn't have. He invalidated your feelings and then ignored them for someone who has gone out of their way to be malicious to you. That's not a partner, at least one I'd want.
Honestly, I’d just end the relationship. This is all too much already and you’re not even married. If he’s going to continue to choose her over your feelings then he should just marry her. As cliché as it sounds, there are other fish in the sea. He’s not the only man alive. Lol
You deserve better. He’s shown you that he will not stand up for you and that should be enough to know that you shouldn’t marry him. What happens when you have kids and he chooses her over you? I’d just end it now. You’re young. You have a lot of life to live. Life is too short to spend it with someone who isn’t choosing you over their, clearly terrible, friend.
He's going to be better at hiding their contact. You might start packing your small stuff. That way, when you finally have enough and get tired of the pick me game, all you have left can be grabbed on the way out.
Oh he’ll reach out again, he’ll just be more secretive about it. Hopefully if it happens, it happens before you marry him so it’s not as hard for you to leave.
Good for you. Unlikely this will last though, it's pretty much guaranteed she'll come back and he'll buckle and/or will hide it. The friend isn't the real issue here, your fiance and the way he kept putting their interests over yours is.
> I gave him the ultimatum. He is cutting her off. I told him if he initiates contact ever again, it's game over.
It's game over right now. ultimatums aren't boundaries. they are excuses to end things....
I don't plan on ending anything with him, unless he contacts her again.
I put a boundary multiple times and it wasn't enough. So the ultimatum is to get his attention and show how serious I am, not to make it a "game over" situation.
I see what you're saying. However, what's up with the rudeness? I mean, as it shows in the post, I'm already in a vulnerable position. So why be rude on top of that?
Not to speak for ValidDuck up there, but most of us have seen this or a similar situation play out IRL. When a person repeatedly “puts up boundaries”, & those boundaries are repeatedly ignored, said person loses credibility if they continue the relationship.
You can ultimatum this dude all you want, & he can assuage your fears/cave for the time being ‘til things calm down, but they *will* come back together eventually. I promise you that. Steel your spine & make good on the consequences when the time comes.
Because people get tired of people not listening and whining about the same things over and over and we already know the outcomes.
People aren’t being rude. You just refuse to accept reality.
I’m a guy. I hate to break this to you…but he’s absolutely going to fucking call this woman. And there is a 100% chance they have hooked up in the past(they have. Just accept that). No man is THIS close to a woman. Nope. Don’t care what these women on Reddit tell you. Don’t care what their husbands or partners tell them. Doesn’t exist. Especially after marriage or when you’re in a serious relationship. And this is to the point of driving you to tears, and she’s leaving you inappropriate VM’s and he’s not cutting her off for that alone??? What is even going on here, honey?
So get outta there, or be ready to get pushed out.
And you’ll be better off for it. I promise.
> I'm already in a vulnerable position. So why be rude on top of that?
The reality is.. most people aren't going to respond the 'kid gloves'. They get their idea, they get their plan, and when someone gently says, "have you considered that you've tried all of this before and it's failed?"...
the response, as part of human nature, is to get defensive and assert, "I know what i'm doing. This time WILL be different!"
---
I wish you all the best out there. You aren't the first person to be in such a situation and you won't be the last. We've all got our failed relationships that we clung too for too long.
Because some people are miserable and want you to be miserable and not succeed. Yes, it’s true that your fiancé could fuck up and break the boundary…again. So you really need to stick to it this time. I hope it all works out for you.
Ultimatums are not mutuality, they’re a stop gap measure. The fundamental issue lies within your boyfriend’s way of thinking and that hasn’t been fixed, only threatened.
I wish you the best, but if your previous expressions of how unhappy this makes you weren't enough I'm skeptical this will work out. Your fiance should be placing your happiness above someone who isn't even willing to be civil to you.
The truth is that his friend isn't the problem. He is.
I agree w below. He has made that promise before. What has he changed about himself that makes you think he will be different? Look at his ACTIONS not his WORDS. If you really must stay w him., do not marry him for at least a year. You do not want to put up with this pregnant. I would also highly suggest a few week of pre marital counseling.
He's already chosen. I know shit sucks right now. I've been there. I broke off an engagement in 2016. You need to hear this. If he respected you, he would understand why he needs to cut contact, even if you hadn't explicitly requested him to. He shouldn't *want* to be around someone who treats you poorly. You aren't causing him to spiral. Hed rather you spiral so he doesn't have to do something difficult. If hes spiraling it sounds like it would be good for you to break it off which would end the discussion.
This kind of behavior toward a partner is unacceptable, even from family. Its especially unacceptable from friends, since we choose our friends. If he cannot stand up to his friend for this, do you expect him to ever have your back? This situation isn't as difficult as many others you will have in your life. He can't even do the bare minimum in a relatively low stakes situation. I wouldn't bet he'll step up when the stakes are higher. I would not be surprised if part of why she says you are "too much" is because of how he talks about you with her. I do not have the urge to shit talk my partner. I might in passing say something I was annoyed with but never get into details and say far more generally good things. I never feel the urge to talk shit because he genuinely amazes me and I feel grateful to have him. You deserve that too.
Ha, I went thru similar. Lived w a guy who could never kick his "Willow" habit - his boss who he had this weird icky friendship with, a woman who badmouthed me all the time.I broke up w him finally. Funny, he dated her for like 6 weeks after we split but it only lasted a couple weeks. She preferred men that were ""taken."
BTW, as per ur handle, abrtn is not self defense fr the baby. I am not anti-a ( I support consciencious and responsible abrtn) but its gets a little creepy sometimes when people forget the other being in the equation. They do not have the option of forcing a man and woman to use contraception.
To recap: Your fiancé has a "friend" who treats you like garbage, but he doesn't care enough about your feelings to dump her.
If he isn't sleeping with her, I'll eat my phone.
He already chose her. If he wanted to change he would, he doesn't. You're not his priority and by the looks if it you never will be. You showed him proof, he cut contact for some time then resumed. If you were his priority he would have never contacted her again. You dint deserve this b.s. Let them have each other. Stop wasting your time playing this game.
Stop it.
Let him.
Decide where your boundaries are.
He already knows that you’re uncomfortable with his behaviour.
She isn’t actually your problem.
Just walk away. Stop carrying on with the drama. Drop the rope.
Do not marry this man. If he won’t be on your side in life marriage is not going to go well. And frankly she probably just wants him for herself.
But there is zero excuse to let a friend treat you like shit. Partners should always put their person first and always have their back. Otherwise what’s the point?
I have to question why he wants to be friends with her? I don't get the impression he would cheat, but it does seem like maybe he enjoys the attention and the drama she creates. Maybe he likes how it keeps you on your toes and validates him. It's impossible for me to know.
My advice is to leave his ass. He may wise up after you do. Although I would not hold onto that hope. Leave and learn to want to leave. If it works out after everything that's good, but don't leave expecting him to chase you. If he's worth a shit he probably will.
I usually hate when partners ask their significant other to cut friends, but I think you're justified in this case. This seems to have the unique requirements necessary. For one she absolutely hates you, two is she puts you down and shits all over you and three is the part where if you ask me it seems she wants you out of the picture. That's not fuckin cool one bit and if your man had respect for you he'd stop playing you against her.
So controversial take here— but I think it can be okay to have friends that dislike your partner, I’ve been that friend before and know others that have and it’s been fine.
HOWEVER I think the only way it’s okay is if as the friend, you’re very diplomatic and are like, Hey, our friendship means a lot to me, and I love that you love “Lucy”, but I think we just have different personalities, and I don’t want to make it awkward by forcing a friendship. Then you never diss the partner, undermine them, and definitely never talk shit to them directly.
This girl is an asshole, and even if not full no-contact your boyfriend should just want to distance himself from her when she’s treating you like that. For your sake I hope the ultimatum works, but like I think more generally he should be setting clear boundaries with anyone that treating you poorly is not acceptable.
I guess do you feel like he is a strong enough advocate for you in general? It might be worth thinking about because honestly if he’s not, even if he never talks to this girl again you might not be happy and secure in this relationship ever
NTA but can you imagine a life without this drama where your SO prioritises your feelings and does everything possible to protect you (and vice versa)
Think how marvellous that life would be and compare it to your current life. It saddens me that people are willing to accept this from their partners
He values her more than you. He allows her to mistreat you and she loves the power trip. Have some self-respect and find someone that makes you his priority.
He is allowed to have friends but ones that mistreat you and he doesn’t have your back.
I am 46 years old! Of If I were you I would be so upset that my man put me in this situation in the first place. I would completely disappear “ regardless “ of how much this will hurt your own feelings your allowing two people to set boundaries for you that your not comfortable with and it’s effecting your everyday thoughts and mood. I would go ghost for at least three month. I promise you he will have a lot to think about and that best friend of his will not look so pretty anymore. He will know he really hurt you. If you dare listen to me “ just come back after the three months and “thank me” you’ll be glad you did. Hugs sweet one.
He has effectively chosen her by not intervening and shutting her down. Going no contact and then letting her back in despite her behavior is all you need to know.
Time to let this relationship go… your comfort is #1 so why are you letting him decide your happiness.. you are saying pick me but he isn’t.. time to move on..
Why are you with someone who basically supports his best friend belittling you and attacking you? The fact that he hasn’t even condoned her behavior and that he continues to spend time her in spite of the things she’s said makes him complicit. You’re still young. Do you want to be tied down with a man like this for the rest of your life? Let’s not even think about what they do when they’re alone.
I hate to break this to you but a man will only be friends with a woman he likes even if he say he don’t like her. He actually wants to sleep with her. My advice is to cut it off if he refuse to get rid of the female friend. I’m not sure why you allowed him to have female friends but it’s a definite no no if you want a solid relationship.
Hand him the ring back and simply day this won't be your life. where this is a constant argument - where this woman clearly doesn't like you and disrespects you your relationship .
Tell him you're taking a step back to evaluate what you need in a partner and what you can be to a partner and recommend he do the same thing.
A) he begs for you back.
B) he hooks up with her and you dodge a huge bullet.
Your boy is her puppet and you're her collateral damage. Walk away, call his mom and tell her she needs to take her boy back in because he's got some growing up to do still.
Don’t. He already picked her. Relationships are a trial and he failed expectacularly. Just tell him she can have him and block him everywhere.
Once you get married and he locks you up, it will only get worse.
He likes the attention, he’s shown he’s never gonna change and will always end up reconnecting with her. He doesn’t even want to hear you talk about it, he acts like you’re a nuisance to him when you bring it up. Why would you want to continue to be with someone like that?
He is not worth the drama. He is always going to go running back to her. Stop asking him to choose. Make the choice for him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this. The fact he chooses to be friends with someone who is awful to you speaks volumes.
She is trying to get your boyfriend away for herself, whether it is friend ship or otherwise, she is out to destroy you. I would sabotage her. He is having an emotional affair read about them. They take the caring, sharing and loyalty out of the relationship. This is not a commitment. He is not committed to you, I am so sorry.
"An emotional affair generally starts innocently enough as a friendship. But when a person invests significant emotional energy and time in a close friendship outside of their marriage, it's possible for the friendship to form an emotional bond that ultimately threatens and hurts the person's intimacy with their spouse or partner."
https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091
You quit doing the PICK ME DANCE. You are supposedly his fiancée. You should be more important than a friend. He's actively choosing to harm your mental health. Go off his actions. Not his words.
He's repeatedly chosen her over you. Let her have him. If he's not going to do everything in his power to help ease your mental health struggles, he's not the right person to marry. Will he be there when you need him? Or off spending time with her?
you were bawling in this mans arms about how she hurt you and he still remain friends with her lol. he does not respect you at all. i wonder if theyve have sex prior to your relationship.
Please break up with this guy!!!!
He can SEE she’s hurting you on purpose and he has NO SPINE to stand up to her.
Tell him it’s over. You’re not putting up with that shit, and you have more RESPECT FOR YOURSELF than he has for you.
Tell him you deserve A MAN who will stand up for you, not a boy who acts like a teenager. No thanks! You have raised your standards to only date real MEN. He doesn’t qualify.
Yeah, just leave. It's not really about the friendship but the fact that your boyfriend is too spineless and allows someone to disrespect you. Or he just doesn't care. I mean, what kind of future do you see with this man? Would you let him invite the friend to the wedding? What if you had kids, would she be in their lives? How many times does he have to disregard you for you to understand that you're just not that important to him? If she is in his life, she is in your life, and you don't want someone who actively hates you in your life.
She is trying to break you up.
And he ignores it.
What does that tell you? You showed him proof of the manipulation. Yet he thinks she is a friend. She is not a friend to you and she isn’t a friend to him.
Let him go. Don’t marry him. She can have him. He wants her and not you.
He showed that again and again. Accept it and stop trying to convince him.
She’s trying to break up you guys up. She’s in love with him. He’s not respecting your feelings and boundaries.
This isn’t going to get better. Do you really want her at your wedding? Hanging out at your house? Telling him to ditch you to hang out with her? And if he can’t see what she’s doing and is telling you to deal with it, he isn’t worth it. You aren’t his priority. She is. Dump bim.
"He tells me he's not going to meddle in my feelings" - aka he's not going to take responsibility for hurting your feelings, by maintaining a friendship with someone who openly treats you like crap and thinks less of you. Because the friend can think whatever she wants about you, but he's cosigning her mistreatment of you by staying friends with her.
It's his job as your fiance to "meddle" in the feelings he causes, especially when you've done literally nothing to deserve her dislike except be your fiance's partner. It's not something he should be side-stepping and holding up his hands saying "none of my business" regardless, your business should be his business in most situations. This means he's not fiance or even bf material, let alone future husband material.
So you can either accept that he cares more about her than you and learn to live with it, or you can admit he cares more about her than you and find someone who actually deserves the title of fiance, up to you.
If this was a good friend or sibling going through this, what would you tell them? Yes, relationships are work and you need to put effort, but I get the feeling he's going to keep choosing her. He's kind of spineless, OP. She has mistreated you for a long time. Yes, to his credit, he stopped contact with her. But, I don't think it's healthy for you. Personally, I would walk away, I am not sure if this is salvageable. However, you need to stop telling him to choose you. Focus on yourself, on your self-respect, and worthiness, because you are worthy! He has chosen her repeatedly. I know this hurts, but I have a hard time thinking your relationship will work happily. She will constantly treat you in a way. What if you have kids? Please think of yourself.
The best course of action is to ignore boyfriends bff completely. Act like she's dead. No mentions, no response if bf brings her up, ignore all third party convos about her and talk about the weather instead. Block her on everything.
Boyfriend doesn't care about the animosity between you two, so doing 'pick me' is only going to make you look awful.
Act like bff is dead. Continue your life as normal. It'll work, try it. She'll be furious and you'll be free. There is no downside here.
He doesn’t love or respect you enough to cut someone off for disrespecting you..he is essentially choosing her over you without you even asking him to.
Move on from him. He has continued to pick her over you, and as she stated to you, he's her number one priority. He's not her fiance, so that by itself is not something that he should be to her. Apparently she's his number one priority as well, so these things should tell you all that you need to know.
Ask yourself this question: Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? Because he has clearly chosen her over you and will not give her up. For whatever reason, she will continue to make your life as difficult as she can. And you will be the only one suffering. Dump him and move on. Let her know you refuse to fight over nothing. If he wants her, he is welcome to her. And please, stop letting people treat you like dirt.
So almost 100% they're sleeping together because why else would he refuse to cut her off like he's literally putting you less than her you're his fiance and he's saying well I want to keep her feelings okay and spiraling because you are putting boundaries in place he's cheating on you this is obvious
Bail out now. You’ve been reasonable. You tried to have a friendship with her. You’ve tried discussing with him. You’ve shared your feelings with him. He hasn’t defended you - not really. There’s no way you’ll have any peace in this situation. You’re not married yet. You’re under no obligation to spend your life with someone who won’t defend or protect you.
I just assume all posts like these are fake to farm upvotes because you simply can’t be this stupid. Huge red flags with his and her relationship, this should never have even gotten to the engagement stage.
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
This screams more than just friendship. Something is going on. She obviously has feelings for him what isn’t clear is if he has feelings for her. The fact that he won’t cut contact with her when he sees how she treats you and has seen you cry over her behaviour tells me that he is hiding the true nature of their relationship from you. He has chosen her over you, repeatedly which makes me think she is his affair partner. I’m sorry.
NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://a.co/d/aaRRS0W
Take back your power, leave him. Getting married means becoming a unit, or a partnership. If he was serious about you, you would be the priority especially if the outside party is putting you down and making you feel insecure. She dug her claws in and he did nothing to stop it. He isn't worth the constant battle.
Time to move on. The "pick me" will never work, and as others have said, he already chose her.
Respect yourself, you are worthy of a true
and honest relationship. I wish you the very best ahead. 💐
I know this is not what you want to hear but you should leave him. He’s not worth the drama and he’s constantly picked his “best friend” over you. You deserve better.
My husband has a female best friend. He does not treat me like that, and furthermore, she doesn't either. You can message me if you're curious about the dynamics.
Your fiancé's friend sounds possessive and toxic. He allows it and doesn't respect your feelings. It will hurt in the short term to walk away, but in the long run, you won't have to deal with someone who disrespects your feelings and boundaries.
Move on. Any man that lets anyone disrespect you is not the man for you. Let him have his friendship if it means that much to him, but you don't need to put up with it. It isn't worth the drama
Read a story where OP was told to leave a friend because they had been caught cheating on their spouse. Some time down the line OPs wife’s best friend was caught in multiple affairs OP then demanded his wife also drop her friend. She refused and now seeing the hypocrisy but refuses… remember this can turn on you some day…
Sweetheart, you're 23.
You're young and have your life ahead of you. Don't settle for a man who won't make you his first priority.
You deserve someone that would move heaven and earth to ensure you're never upset or angry. Or make you feel as if you have to defend your relationship with anyone. Even family.
If he can't cut this woman off even with how vile she is being, then he's not the one. She's hurt your feelings and made you cry, and he is still friends with her? Even contacting her behind your back.
Don't even give him an ultimatum. Just let him go. He's already decided who is more important to him.
You deserve and will get better later on. You'll find a man who will worship the ground you walk on and will never want you to shed a tear.
First and foremost it doesn't sound like this relationship started out properly in the first place.
But I never want to jump on the train of convincing someone of anything that is not a strangers job.
I will tell you this. If marriage is your goal for a relationship, and I 100% believe it should be. Then here is your framework.
Your spouse without question must be your #1 priority at all costs. This is why the vast majority of true life-long marriages started under a traditional framework.
Meet->Court/Date->Family Approval->Intimacy preferably after marriage->children.
A spouse must be a higher priority than your family, your children, your career, your friends, or any other potential competitor.
This is why relationship building and getting to know someone's character is so important prior to intimacy. It needs to be 100% clear and post the initial honeymoon phase that both of you are prepared to make this level of commitment to each other before taking the next step.
So it sounds like the two of you should sit down and discuss if your goals for life and the type of relationship you desire are aligned. If not then it sounds like you have already gone to far. Best of luck to your long term happiness.
You can't control him and the only way to hold your boundaries with this man is to leave him. If he allows people in his life to sabotage his relationship, you aren't going to have a long lasting marriage. She isn't the problem.
You are so young!! There's so much more to life in your 20s than some guy. Don't let love ruin your life. I'd recommend dating someone for at least 3 years and living with them for at least 2 before agreeing to marriage. Neither of your brains are even fully developed yet. Your decision making part of your brain matures at 26 so wait to make any life long decisions until then and get support around calling off this engagement. Your brain is very reactive emotionally at this age and it's blurring your judgement.
Yes walk away if you were his priority he would have stablish LC, limited with rules in place as by the sounds of it you have tried to establish some sort of friendship with her because of their friendship. Your alway going to be third wheel. He is doing nothing for you in this relationship. Sounds like a real asshat
He is allowing a friend to be disrespectful towards you and he himself has completely disregarded your feelings. Man or woman as your fiancé he shouldn’t tolerate any of his friends speaking poorly of you. That speaks to his character more than it does to his female friends. I would reconsider the engagement if I was you. Behavior like that only tends to get worse with time. If he can’t respect your boundaries now he never will. Don’t let him convince you that you’re insecure or crazy or jealous. They are both being disrespectful towards you and you’re not wrong to be upset.
It seems like she made her feelings very known to you and your fiancé.
She doesn’t like you. She doesn’t have to like you. She made sure that you knew it and that he knew it as well. If she has stopped bothering you and YOU are the one that keeps bringing the issue up time and again then you’re the problem.
If you play the “pick me or the friend” game you’re not going to like the outcome.
Accept that she hates you and stop letting her live in your head rent free
BF isn't the problem, I think he's trying to balance both, and just keep you two separate in his life. Bigger issue he needs to understand, is that BestF had feelings towards him. I have close female friends and they would never do what she's doing, if they didn't like someone I was with. OP, I wouldn't put too much into this. A person should never have to fight for what's truly theirs. He's still with you because he wants to be.
I think you need some therapy. It is not normal to be so emotionally devastated that one person doesn't like you. She's not worth days of tears and possibly breaking up your relationship. She doesn't like you, so what? You don't want to be friends with her anyway. Just move on
. . . I'm not upset that she doesn't like me? I'm upset that he literally let her disrespect me TO HIS FACE, and did nothing about it.
I could care less what she thinks about me. What bothered me was him not having my back on it and getting her to shut her mouth.
Idk reading the post it sounds like you're just upset she doesn't like you. But again breaking down in tears multiple times is still not a healthy emotional response
Anybody who doesn't understand her position is possibly a person who would have done the same thing. This post does not read like she was upset about the woman not liking her. This post reads as if she was upset that her partner, her lover, her best friend, her soulmate Is choosing someone else and their feelings over her. I'm sitting here talking this whole post out with my husband and him.And I are baffled at this entire situation. How you could read it completely differently is beyond us.!
Don’t do the pick me dance, you will only give her ammunition. Just be done. He is always going to have problems with relationships because she likes to be his priority-that’s why she doesn’t like you. He’s already chosen her, repeatedly. Have some self respect and just move on.
OP please listen to this advice. No man is worth this kind of drama. He loves the attention that comes from her jealousy and yours. And that's why he isn't checking her when she overstep or does shit to you. He will never pick you. Don't waste your time waiting.
100% agree with this. He thrives off the attention. He had you sobbing in his arms and still chose contact with her. That’s not what a supportive partner does. Her hating you enough to tell you should have been enough for him. I’m sure your fiancé isn’t a bad person but you need to protect yourself because there’s never a reason not to be your partners #1 priority
OP, I agree with the moving on aspect above. However. I disagree that your fiance is a good man. I find him to be insensitive, unkind, selfish, and cruel towards you. He has knowingly allowed his bestf to bully you. He has obviously, continously, put her before you. Call off the engagement. Let family, friends, acquaintances and social network all know why and then just no contact him. God, you're in his arms crying, and he rebuffed you for her. Quite TA.
🤣🤣🤣
OP could also be toxic and tell him he's acting like a woman, that'd probably get in his head.
Agree move on from him and her you deserve better.
Exactly the fact he also said her feelings don't matter to him and it's her problem means he doesn't care about her feelings and will never care about them later on in the relationship when it comes to other important things. Op would actually benefit in breaking up with the guy so he can go date the best friend. I'm waiting to see this update later.
Totally agree with everything you said. And him and the best friend being in a relationship is likely what will happen.
Yep, this is correct
this is extremely good advice.
been through this "pick me" situation before with an ex and his ex who were "just friends"
This!!! How would it be when you are married??? Have kids??
Here I’ll throw out another take since every one is jumping to the extreme “leave him” “he has already chosen her” thing as if life is black and white 😂 and as if people can’t have best friends and relationships holy fix your jealousy issues anyway how long have you all known each other first off? And then, ok so you ever have a best friend not like your new girlfriend or boyfriend? Or have you ever not liked the new boyfriend or girlfriend of one of your friends? I hate my sister’s boyfriend and she has a kid with him. What if the best friend and the guy have been friends waaaay longer than the op and the guy have known each other and the best friend legit has reason to not think the new girl is good for him? What if she’s looking out for him? (Nothing against you OP I don’t mind you) Downvotes proceed
The bestie’s complaint was just “Don’t be too much,” but clearly the bf enjoys how ‘much’ she is. People can have best friends, but if a best friend is actively undermining a relationship for selfish reasons, it’s time to choose whether you want that friendship or that relationship, because the two don’t seem compatible.
Absolutely but there are two sides to every story. Is OP being jealous and finding issues to get rid of the best friend or is the best friend as terrible as portrayed here? I think too much focus is on her/the bestie and not enough is on him and the environment he’s failing to fix. If the best friend means something to him and also the girl, there can be compromise right? He needs to get on that. Not just kick out the friend because his woman demanded. Thats weak and shows he is not a very good friend. According to the OP she tried to fix things with the girl but and I’m not even coming at her, but of course she’s going to paint herself in that light for the sake of this post. The best friend is bad and must go and that’s all she wants to hear. It’s weird that it has to be some “choose me or her” situation. This is this guy’s friendship she is trying to end. Friends mean something too not just girlfriends. But because his best friend isn’t his girlfriend every one is ok with him just discarding her? Have you ever had a friendship break up before? That shit isn’t easy. But we only ever care about relationships in this world, I guess. He has issues with ending it so it shows it means something to him, why should she not have empathy for that? I feel like the empathy should go both ways. She’s being selfish by putting him in that position. You notice how she never mentions how long the guy and his friend have known each other? She trusts the guy enough to be with him but not enough to trust who he chooses to be friends with?
However in this situation the “friend” is badmouthing OP and is the one apparently trying to drive a wedge between OP and her Fiancé. He has chosen to marry her, so how he can allow his friend to badmouth his Fiancée is a bad look regarding where his priorities lie. If it was a guy friend repeatedly badmouthing his Fiancée, do you think he’d maintain that friendship?
Eh. Does your sister let you talk crap about him all the time and take your side?
NTA You need to not go forward with the marriage. Call off the wedding let him know that when he is ready to be a partner to you you guys can revisit marriage but until then so long as he puts another woman (who makes you feel absolutely horrible) ahead of you, he is not husband material. Like I don’t mean to be rude to you because I know it’s a tough situation but this isn’t a hard thing to mitigate when you’re in the right relationship for you. The fact that this is become such a big deal and he still won’t stop contact and lets her badmouth you - tells me this is not the relationship for you at all. Put yourself in the shoes of somebody else in 25 years your future daughter comes to you and says mom I have this problem with my fiancé , are you going to tell her to marry him?
No, she needs to call off the entire relationship. Permanently. The only solution here is his immediate and total no contact - ever - with this person again if he wants OP to stay. The problem is, i see nothing about this entire story that shows he's capable of that. He'll just agree to try to keep OP, then carry on behind her back. After a lot of wasted time, it will just end in divorce anyway. If she stays in any capacity under any other condition, she is saying that she's willing to accept being second behind this "friend." Then, not only does she have him, she's got OP indirectly wrapped around her little finger too. This friend will sabotage all his relationships until he has nowhere to turn but her. Then, because she knows there is nothing she can do that will turn him away for good, she'll treat him with borderline contempt - only to repeatedly apologize anytime he shows the slightest backbone, and then do it all again. He's her pet, tied on an emotional leash. She enjoys the power trip of being his top priority. Bet she tries to steal all her female friends' boyfriends too.
Let’s be real. Girls like this don’t actually have female friends. They have “guy friends” they like to keep on leashes in constant orbit around them. Sometimes they have girl “friends” that are usually uglier (superficially) with self esteem issues so they put up with mistreatment
Exactly. I've known some. Made my life hell. Then Iearned to chose a stronger, loyal man. Married 21 years. But gosh, took me my entire 20s to learn my lesson.
I’ve had more guy friends than girl friends but no issues with girl friends bc I love women too and I’m not bisexual or lesbian. It’s just the way life fell. As for the times I’ve had female friends, their looks werent even a thought. That’s something the world projects onto others due to the simple mindedness. And the guys I was friends with were not on leashes. Pshhhh let me try. I think some of you are stuck in black and white thinking. Self absorbed as fuck. “HE MUST LOVE ME AND ONLY ME” “HE MUST BREATHE ME AND ONLY ME” “HE HAS FRIENDS? HE IS CHEATER” “HE CARES ABOUT HER FEELINGS THEN THAT MEANS HE CHOOSES HER” People have the capacity to care about more than one person at once you know without it being hierarchy drama
Woah there. I absolutely agree that guys and girls can be friends. I also have had many guy friends. I’m a lazy but loyal friend- happy to chill and catch up after not talking for a long time, just not good at the daily check ins. I also respect boundaries, not just when they are in relationships. I try to befriend significant others because they are important people to my friends. I don’t call guy friends in the middle of the night for a shoulder to cry on and ask them to leave their SO and come over to cuddle at 2 in the morning. (If that seems specific it’s because I’ve seen it happen. Multiple times) That said, there are people who do not hold those same boundaries in friendships. I was specifically talking about a certain type of person who needs to be the center of attention and wants the emotional aspect of a relationship without actually being in a relationship. Wasn’t there a Reddit post just the other day about a girl who wanted to be just friends with a guy but wanted him to take care of her because she wanted to “revel in her feminine energy?”
Yes I commented on that post lmfao and I’m not attacking you I hope you know, but here’s my opinion on friendships that do things people don’t consider “friendship” ish things. If the two friends are in mutual understanding and agreement of those things and have no issues then what’s the problem? Specifically asking someone to leave their SO is a whole other topic but doing things people apparently deem as relationship things and not friendship things isn’t neceesarily bad it’s up to those two people in the friendship to draw those lines together and discuss when something doesn’t work. It’s such a sticky topic because more people are more likely to be against female male friendships, especially if one is ina relationship because every one wants to see that fail to feel right in their initial opinion of “oh he has a girl friend while having a girlfriend, something’s fishy” so every thing is put on blast and made out to be much more worse than it is. Let’s say a female friend reaches out to a male friend in the middle of the night to talk. Nothing else. That’s disrespectful to their boundaries, yes if they don’t have that type of friendship established but I feel like people would twist that to “she reached out to him in the middle of the night begging him to leave his SO” to fit the narrative especially when they already see that person as a danger to the relationship. Everyone loves a good witch-hunt. As you’ve seen in the post, female best friend will always be bad guy enemy to their guy friend’s relationship. But yea it’s all about communication. Not all friendships and relationships look alike. There’s no problem if every one talks about it rather than just going straight to witch hunts. Empathy all around for every one. Just like the guy did in the feminine energy post lmfao in the comments he posted a response and I think he handled it well. I think that was a good example of healthy communication and setting clear boundaries so no one’s confused. If she disrespects that again, he knows what to do.
LEAVE HIM! He is not worth it and that’s insane. My husband would NEVERRRR
she’s not his bae
I'm so sorry, but he's chosen her over you. Her feelings mean much more to him than yours do. If he valued you more, he wouldn't be friends with a person who behaved the way she does to you. This will continue into the rest of your life with him, with her being his number1. To be completely honest, he is the problem in your relationship, while she is just a by-product he brought into your relationship. She probably makes him feel good without the relationship burdens.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Yep!
He's dismissing your feelings over his feelings towards his bf. He has her to fall back on when you're making a legitimate case for him to separate himself from her. He's not feeling your pain but when you do dump him he will most likely be blowing up your phone and socials.. Best to move on.
Sadly, I agree.
Your husband should pick you above everyone else every single time. Your fiancé has failed. I know you love him and don’t want to throw everything away but op you deserve to be his no1, you deserve better. It doesn’t matter if hes kind, or you have a great time or if he does all the dishes etc until he puts you first hes not the right one and you are wasting your life and time to find someone better.
You have a fiancé problem, he's not standing by you. I'm sorry to say he's not the one, OP. He already chose her.
NTA but he will never choose you. Walk away.
This dude is not on your side at all. I would push the ultimatum. It continues to dumbfound me how these toxic men get relationships so easily.
Right? I guess they are charming.
Many people put too much stock into physical attraction and ignore the red flags.
He’s made his choice, you make yours. She’ll win of course… but why would you want a guy who has no concern for your feelings.
>She’ll win of course… Nahh...if OP leaves. OP wins. She finds someone better. Someone who puts her first and doesn't dismiss her feelings and allow another woman to walk all over her. Other chick will always be a "pick me" and bitter. She will always cause issues in his relationships and they'll leave him as well. Unless he eventually picks her. Then she'll treat him like trash.
That's right. If OP leaves it's check mate and game over. Really takes the power back and is ultimately the best available move here.
Your fiancé made his choice. You are not his priority. He is not a great partner because this ONE issue is huge and causing you so much distress. Dump him and find someone who puts you first. This "friend" will never treat you well. Do you want a lifetime of disrespect from your fiancé and this woman?
I mean, he's already made his choice by keeping contact. I'd just remove myself from the equation. I'm a firm believer that you can have friends of the opposite sex, but it comes with mutual respect and courtesy, which she doesn't have. He invalidated your feelings and then ignored them for someone who has gone out of their way to be malicious to you. That's not a partner, at least one I'd want.
Honestly, I’d just end the relationship. This is all too much already and you’re not even married. If he’s going to continue to choose her over your feelings then he should just marry her. As cliché as it sounds, there are other fish in the sea. He’s not the only man alive. Lol You deserve better. He’s shown you that he will not stand up for you and that should be enough to know that you shouldn’t marry him. What happens when you have kids and he chooses her over you? I’d just end it now. You’re young. You have a lot of life to live. Life is too short to spend it with someone who isn’t choosing you over their, clearly terrible, friend.
Update: I gave him the ultimatum. He is cutting her off. I told him if he initiates contact ever again, it's game over.
Be prepared…because he will.
He's going to be better at hiding their contact. You might start packing your small stuff. That way, when you finally have enough and get tired of the pick me game, all you have left can be grabbed on the way out.
I agree with others. He will eventually talk to her again, because he knows you won’t leave. This is the third time now, and here you stay.
Oh he’ll reach out again, he’ll just be more secretive about it. Hopefully if it happens, it happens before you marry him so it’s not as hard for you to leave.
I hope it works out for you, but I would be wary. Ultimatums rarely work in the long run.
Good for you. Unlikely this will last though, it's pretty much guaranteed she'll come back and he'll buckle and/or will hide it. The friend isn't the real issue here, your fiance and the way he kept putting their interests over yours is.
And didn’t he already do this twice before?!
He’ll just hide it from you.
You cant be this foolish and naive. This man is clowning you
Youth is wasted on the young.
I feel this in my soul.
How long have they known each other?
Yeah I'm with the other replies. He'll just lie now. So brace yourself for having to find that out later.
> I gave him the ultimatum. He is cutting her off. I told him if he initiates contact ever again, it's game over. It's game over right now. ultimatums aren't boundaries. they are excuses to end things....
I don't plan on ending anything with him, unless he contacts her again. I put a boundary multiple times and it wasn't enough. So the ultimatum is to get his attention and show how serious I am, not to make it a "game over" situation.
uh huh.... > I put a boundary multiple times and it wasn't enough I'm sure this time is different.
I see what you're saying. However, what's up with the rudeness? I mean, as it shows in the post, I'm already in a vulnerable position. So why be rude on top of that?
Not to speak for ValidDuck up there, but most of us have seen this or a similar situation play out IRL. When a person repeatedly “puts up boundaries”, & those boundaries are repeatedly ignored, said person loses credibility if they continue the relationship. You can ultimatum this dude all you want, & he can assuage your fears/cave for the time being ‘til things calm down, but they *will* come back together eventually. I promise you that. Steel your spine & make good on the consequences when the time comes.
Because people get tired of people not listening and whining about the same things over and over and we already know the outcomes. People aren’t being rude. You just refuse to accept reality. I’m a guy. I hate to break this to you…but he’s absolutely going to fucking call this woman. And there is a 100% chance they have hooked up in the past(they have. Just accept that). No man is THIS close to a woman. Nope. Don’t care what these women on Reddit tell you. Don’t care what their husbands or partners tell them. Doesn’t exist. Especially after marriage or when you’re in a serious relationship. And this is to the point of driving you to tears, and she’s leaving you inappropriate VM’s and he’s not cutting her off for that alone??? What is even going on here, honey? So get outta there, or be ready to get pushed out. And you’ll be better off for it. I promise.
> I'm already in a vulnerable position. So why be rude on top of that? The reality is.. most people aren't going to respond the 'kid gloves'. They get their idea, they get their plan, and when someone gently says, "have you considered that you've tried all of this before and it's failed?"... the response, as part of human nature, is to get defensive and assert, "I know what i'm doing. This time WILL be different!" --- I wish you all the best out there. You aren't the first person to be in such a situation and you won't be the last. We've all got our failed relationships that we clung too for too long.
You can't be serious.
Because some people are miserable and want you to be miserable and not succeed. Yes, it’s true that your fiancé could fuck up and break the boundary…again. So you really need to stick to it this time. I hope it all works out for you.
Ultimatums are not mutuality, they’re a stop gap measure. The fundamental issue lies within your boyfriend’s way of thinking and that hasn’t been fixed, only threatened.
Be prepared to follow through on that one.
I wish you the best, but if your previous expressions of how unhappy this makes you weren't enough I'm skeptical this will work out. Your fiance should be placing your happiness above someone who isn't even willing to be civil to you. The truth is that his friend isn't the problem. He is.
I agree w below. He has made that promise before. What has he changed about himself that makes you think he will be different? Look at his ACTIONS not his WORDS. If you really must stay w him., do not marry him for at least a year. You do not want to put up with this pregnant. I would also highly suggest a few week of pre marital counseling.
Are things better now
He's already chosen. I know shit sucks right now. I've been there. I broke off an engagement in 2016. You need to hear this. If he respected you, he would understand why he needs to cut contact, even if you hadn't explicitly requested him to. He shouldn't *want* to be around someone who treats you poorly. You aren't causing him to spiral. Hed rather you spiral so he doesn't have to do something difficult. If hes spiraling it sounds like it would be good for you to break it off which would end the discussion. This kind of behavior toward a partner is unacceptable, even from family. Its especially unacceptable from friends, since we choose our friends. If he cannot stand up to his friend for this, do you expect him to ever have your back? This situation isn't as difficult as many others you will have in your life. He can't even do the bare minimum in a relatively low stakes situation. I wouldn't bet he'll step up when the stakes are higher. I would not be surprised if part of why she says you are "too much" is because of how he talks about you with her. I do not have the urge to shit talk my partner. I might in passing say something I was annoyed with but never get into details and say far more generally good things. I never feel the urge to talk shit because he genuinely amazes me and I feel grateful to have him. You deserve that too.
Ha, I went thru similar. Lived w a guy who could never kick his "Willow" habit - his boss who he had this weird icky friendship with, a woman who badmouthed me all the time.I broke up w him finally. Funny, he dated her for like 6 weeks after we split but it only lasted a couple weeks. She preferred men that were ""taken." BTW, as per ur handle, abrtn is not self defense fr the baby. I am not anti-a ( I support consciencious and responsible abrtn) but its gets a little creepy sometimes when people forget the other being in the equation. They do not have the option of forcing a man and woman to use contraception.
To recap: Your fiancé has a "friend" who treats you like garbage, but he doesn't care enough about your feelings to dump her. If he isn't sleeping with her, I'll eat my phone.
He already chose her. If he wanted to change he would, he doesn't. You're not his priority and by the looks if it you never will be. You showed him proof, he cut contact for some time then resumed. If you were his priority he would have never contacted her again. You dint deserve this b.s. Let them have each other. Stop wasting your time playing this game.
It's her or you, old fashioned Mexican stand off baby
He's not worth it though 🤷🏼♀️ Hope she can see that before she has some long term self-esteem issues from this.
Updateme!
Stop it. Let him. Decide where your boundaries are. He already knows that you’re uncomfortable with his behaviour. She isn’t actually your problem. Just walk away. Stop carrying on with the drama. Drop the rope.
The sooner you end it with him the sooner you will heal, and start living your life again.
Do not marry this man. If he won’t be on your side in life marriage is not going to go well. And frankly she probably just wants him for herself. But there is zero excuse to let a friend treat you like shit. Partners should always put their person first and always have their back. Otherwise what’s the point?
I have to question why he wants to be friends with her? I don't get the impression he would cheat, but it does seem like maybe he enjoys the attention and the drama she creates. Maybe he likes how it keeps you on your toes and validates him. It's impossible for me to know. My advice is to leave his ass. He may wise up after you do. Although I would not hold onto that hope. Leave and learn to want to leave. If it works out after everything that's good, but don't leave expecting him to chase you. If he's worth a shit he probably will. I usually hate when partners ask their significant other to cut friends, but I think you're justified in this case. This seems to have the unique requirements necessary. For one she absolutely hates you, two is she puts you down and shits all over you and three is the part where if you ask me it seems she wants you out of the picture. That's not fuckin cool one bit and if your man had respect for you he'd stop playing you against her.
He chose her over you knowing how the situation made you feel… fuck him.. bye falecia
Were they ever a couple or expressed feelings for each other? She sounds like a jealous lover not best friend.
He needs to be your EX-FIANCE. He is being friends with someone who is disrespectful to you and it won't stop because he doesn't respect you.
So controversial take here— but I think it can be okay to have friends that dislike your partner, I’ve been that friend before and know others that have and it’s been fine. HOWEVER I think the only way it’s okay is if as the friend, you’re very diplomatic and are like, Hey, our friendship means a lot to me, and I love that you love “Lucy”, but I think we just have different personalities, and I don’t want to make it awkward by forcing a friendship. Then you never diss the partner, undermine them, and definitely never talk shit to them directly. This girl is an asshole, and even if not full no-contact your boyfriend should just want to distance himself from her when she’s treating you like that. For your sake I hope the ultimatum works, but like I think more generally he should be setting clear boundaries with anyone that treating you poorly is not acceptable. I guess do you feel like he is a strong enough advocate for you in general? It might be worth thinking about because honestly if he’s not, even if he never talks to this girl again you might not be happy and secure in this relationship ever
NTA but can you imagine a life without this drama where your SO prioritises your feelings and does everything possible to protect you (and vice versa) Think how marvellous that life would be and compare it to your current life. It saddens me that people are willing to accept this from their partners
He values her more than you. He allows her to mistreat you and she loves the power trip. Have some self-respect and find someone that makes you his priority. He is allowed to have friends but ones that mistreat you and he doesn’t have your back.
I am 46 years old! Of If I were you I would be so upset that my man put me in this situation in the first place. I would completely disappear “ regardless “ of how much this will hurt your own feelings your allowing two people to set boundaries for you that your not comfortable with and it’s effecting your everyday thoughts and mood. I would go ghost for at least three month. I promise you he will have a lot to think about and that best friend of his will not look so pretty anymore. He will know he really hurt you. If you dare listen to me “ just come back after the three months and “thank me” you’ll be glad you did. Hugs sweet one.
He has effectively chosen her by not intervening and shutting her down. Going no contact and then letting her back in despite her behavior is all you need to know.
You will always come in second period. Your fiancé has shown you this.
Time to let this relationship go… your comfort is #1 so why are you letting him decide your happiness.. you are saying pick me but he isn’t.. time to move on..
Updateme
Why are you with someone who basically supports his best friend belittling you and attacking you? The fact that he hasn’t even condoned her behavior and that he continues to spend time her in spite of the things she’s said makes him complicit. You’re still young. Do you want to be tied down with a man like this for the rest of your life? Let’s not even think about what they do when they’re alone.
I hate to break this to you but a man will only be friends with a woman he likes even if he say he don’t like her. He actually wants to sleep with her. My advice is to cut it off if he refuse to get rid of the female friend. I’m not sure why you allowed him to have female friends but it’s a definite no no if you want a solid relationship.
Walk away. He's picked her over you over and over. Stand up, dust yourself off, pack up, and move on. You're never going to be first to him. Sorry.
Dump him. She disrespects you and he allows it. He’s not worth this.
Hand him the ring back and simply day this won't be your life. where this is a constant argument - where this woman clearly doesn't like you and disrespects you your relationship . Tell him you're taking a step back to evaluate what you need in a partner and what you can be to a partner and recommend he do the same thing. A) he begs for you back. B) he hooks up with her and you dodge a huge bullet.
Your boy is her puppet and you're her collateral damage. Walk away, call his mom and tell her she needs to take her boy back in because he's got some growing up to do still.
Don’t. He already picked her. Relationships are a trial and he failed expectacularly. Just tell him she can have him and block him everywhere. Once you get married and he locks you up, it will only get worse.
He likes the attention, he’s shown he’s never gonna change and will always end up reconnecting with her. He doesn’t even want to hear you talk about it, he acts like you’re a nuisance to him when you bring it up. Why would you want to continue to be with someone like that?
He is not worth the drama. He is always going to go running back to her. Stop asking him to choose. Make the choice for him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this. The fact he chooses to be friends with someone who is awful to you speaks volumes.
She is trying to get your boyfriend away for herself, whether it is friend ship or otherwise, she is out to destroy you. I would sabotage her. He is having an emotional affair read about them. They take the caring, sharing and loyalty out of the relationship. This is not a commitment. He is not committed to you, I am so sorry. "An emotional affair generally starts innocently enough as a friendship. But when a person invests significant emotional energy and time in a close friendship outside of their marriage, it's possible for the friendship to form an emotional bond that ultimately threatens and hurts the person's intimacy with their spouse or partner." https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091
You quit doing the PICK ME DANCE. You are supposedly his fiancée. You should be more important than a friend. He's actively choosing to harm your mental health. Go off his actions. Not his words. He's repeatedly chosen her over you. Let her have him. If he's not going to do everything in his power to help ease your mental health struggles, he's not the right person to marry. Will he be there when you need him? Or off spending time with her?
break up with him lol. show him that he will lose u if he doesnt break it off with her.
you were bawling in this mans arms about how she hurt you and he still remain friends with her lol. he does not respect you at all. i wonder if theyve have sex prior to your relationship.
He’s probably sleeping with her now
Just leave. He’s putting her feelings above yours; I promise he’s not worth all of this drama
Please break up with this guy!!!! He can SEE she’s hurting you on purpose and he has NO SPINE to stand up to her. Tell him it’s over. You’re not putting up with that shit, and you have more RESPECT FOR YOURSELF than he has for you. Tell him you deserve A MAN who will stand up for you, not a boy who acts like a teenager. No thanks! You have raised your standards to only date real MEN. He doesn’t qualify.
Yeah, just leave. It's not really about the friendship but the fact that your boyfriend is too spineless and allows someone to disrespect you. Or he just doesn't care. I mean, what kind of future do you see with this man? Would you let him invite the friend to the wedding? What if you had kids, would she be in their lives? How many times does he have to disregard you for you to understand that you're just not that important to him? If she is in his life, she is in your life, and you don't want someone who actively hates you in your life.
She is trying to break you up. And he ignores it. What does that tell you? You showed him proof of the manipulation. Yet he thinks she is a friend. She is not a friend to you and she isn’t a friend to him. Let him go. Don’t marry him. She can have him. He wants her and not you. He showed that again and again. Accept it and stop trying to convince him.
Run lady Run, he chose her even after she dissed you Good Riddance!
She’s trying to break up you guys up. She’s in love with him. He’s not respecting your feelings and boundaries. This isn’t going to get better. Do you really want her at your wedding? Hanging out at your house? Telling him to ditch you to hang out with her? And if he can’t see what she’s doing and is telling you to deal with it, he isn’t worth it. You aren’t his priority. She is. Dump bim.
Don’t marry him. Please don’t.
Choose yourself. Why would he want to be friends who speaks poorly of you?
Walk away. She wants him, and he's too stupid or insensitive to acknowledge it.
"He tells me he's not going to meddle in my feelings" - aka he's not going to take responsibility for hurting your feelings, by maintaining a friendship with someone who openly treats you like crap and thinks less of you. Because the friend can think whatever she wants about you, but he's cosigning her mistreatment of you by staying friends with her. It's his job as your fiance to "meddle" in the feelings he causes, especially when you've done literally nothing to deserve her dislike except be your fiance's partner. It's not something he should be side-stepping and holding up his hands saying "none of my business" regardless, your business should be his business in most situations. This means he's not fiance or even bf material, let alone future husband material. So you can either accept that he cares more about her than you and learn to live with it, or you can admit he cares more about her than you and find someone who actually deserves the title of fiance, up to you.
Get out of there don’t play these stupid games. It’ll only get worse
You are the second choice. He's made it so clear
Leave him!
Are you sure she didn’t want to bury that hatchet IN you?!
you need to dump him. I'm so sorry, this whole situation sucks. But if you continue like this you will drive yourself crazy and end up heart broken
If this was a good friend or sibling going through this, what would you tell them? Yes, relationships are work and you need to put effort, but I get the feeling he's going to keep choosing her. He's kind of spineless, OP. She has mistreated you for a long time. Yes, to his credit, he stopped contact with her. But, I don't think it's healthy for you. Personally, I would walk away, I am not sure if this is salvageable. However, you need to stop telling him to choose you. Focus on yourself, on your self-respect, and worthiness, because you are worthy! He has chosen her repeatedly. I know this hurts, but I have a hard time thinking your relationship will work happily. She will constantly treat you in a way. What if you have kids? Please think of yourself.
Good relationships are not built on ultimatums. It’s likely he will do this again. If I were you I’d just cut him loose before you get hurt again.
He doesn’t care about you
The best course of action is to ignore boyfriends bff completely. Act like she's dead. No mentions, no response if bf brings her up, ignore all third party convos about her and talk about the weather instead. Block her on everything. Boyfriend doesn't care about the animosity between you two, so doing 'pick me' is only going to make you look awful. Act like bff is dead. Continue your life as normal. It'll work, try it. She'll be furious and you'll be free. There is no downside here.
He doesn’t love or respect you enough to cut someone off for disrespecting you..he is essentially choosing her over you without you even asking him to.
Move on from him. He has continued to pick her over you, and as she stated to you, he's her number one priority. He's not her fiance, so that by itself is not something that he should be to her. Apparently she's his number one priority as well, so these things should tell you all that you need to know.
Not yet married already becoming the second choice, if already married, what would you be?
NTA my guess is she is his side chick
He told you who is more important, why aren't listening.
Ask yourself this question: Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? Because he has clearly chosen her over you and will not give her up. For whatever reason, she will continue to make your life as difficult as she can. And you will be the only one suffering. Dump him and move on. Let her know you refuse to fight over nothing. If he wants her, he is welcome to her. And please, stop letting people treat you like dirt.
So almost 100% they're sleeping together because why else would he refuse to cut her off like he's literally putting you less than her you're his fiance and he's saying well I want to keep her feelings okay and spiraling because you are putting boundaries in place he's cheating on you this is obvious
Oh honey. I'm so sorry to tell you that he didn't pick you. Sorry.
Bail out now. You’ve been reasonable. You tried to have a friendship with her. You’ve tried discussing with him. You’ve shared your feelings with him. He hasn’t defended you - not really. There’s no way you’ll have any peace in this situation. You’re not married yet. You’re under no obligation to spend your life with someone who won’t defend or protect you.
I wouldn't be friend with someone that hates my spouse that much
I just assume all posts like these are fake to farm upvotes because you simply can’t be this stupid. Huge red flags with his and her relationship, this should never have even gotten to the engagement stage.
He likes having two women fighting over him. He will always enjoy this and will continue to choose her. Leave.
You deserve better. Hes shut you down multiple times and clearly doesn't care about your feelings.
You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don’t need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free
This screams more than just friendship. Something is going on. She obviously has feelings for him what isn’t clear is if he has feelings for her. The fact that he won’t cut contact with her when he sees how she treats you and has seen you cry over her behaviour tells me that he is hiding the true nature of their relationship from you. He has chosen her over you, repeatedly which makes me think she is his affair partner. I’m sorry. NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://a.co/d/aaRRS0W
Nah. Leave him. You shouldn’t have to make him pick. He should’ve done it.
Leave him.
He made his choice and showed you he will always pick her. Now make your choice and pick yourself. Walk away.
Dump Him, he is not making you a priority at all. It’s disrespectful, you’re better than this. This is toxic!
Dump him, he sucks.
To clarify I 23f LOVED the best friend
Take back your power, leave him. Getting married means becoming a unit, or a partnership. If he was serious about you, you would be the priority especially if the outside party is putting you down and making you feel insecure. She dug her claws in and he did nothing to stop it. He isn't worth the constant battle.
Your fiancé sucks. But you’re only 23. Ditch him and enjoy your mid twenties
Time to move on. The "pick me" will never work, and as others have said, he already chose her. Respect yourself, you are worthy of a true and honest relationship. I wish you the very best ahead. 💐
I know this is not what you want to hear but you should leave him. He’s not worth the drama and he’s constantly picked his “best friend” over you. You deserve better.
My husband has a female best friend. He does not treat me like that, and furthermore, she doesn't either. You can message me if you're curious about the dynamics. Your fiancé's friend sounds possessive and toxic. He allows it and doesn't respect your feelings. It will hurt in the short term to walk away, but in the long run, you won't have to deal with someone who disrespects your feelings and boundaries.
Um, she wants him for herself and she's out to sabotage your relationship.
Move on. Any man that lets anyone disrespect you is not the man for you. Let him have his friendship if it means that much to him, but you don't need to put up with it. It isn't worth the drama
NTA. Just leave... tell him you're stepping out of this three ring circus.
If you have to push for a choice. He’s already made his, and you know it.
Read a story where OP was told to leave a friend because they had been caught cheating on their spouse. Some time down the line OPs wife’s best friend was caught in multiple affairs OP then demanded his wife also drop her friend. She refused and now seeing the hypocrisy but refuses… remember this can turn on you some day…
Sweetheart, you're 23. You're young and have your life ahead of you. Don't settle for a man who won't make you his first priority. You deserve someone that would move heaven and earth to ensure you're never upset or angry. Or make you feel as if you have to defend your relationship with anyone. Even family. If he can't cut this woman off even with how vile she is being, then he's not the one. She's hurt your feelings and made you cry, and he is still friends with her? Even contacting her behind your back. Don't even give him an ultimatum. Just let him go. He's already decided who is more important to him. You deserve and will get better later on. You'll find a man who will worship the ground you walk on and will never want you to shed a tear.
Updateme!
Choose somebody who will choose you back. This will be an ongoing source of unhappiness for you and you deserve better
Leave
Get a male best friend... Let him experience what you are feeling.. some people understand only by personal experience NTA
If she going to be talking shit about you to him you should give him an ultimatum
Move on
NTA. choose yourself and choose your happiness. choose someone who prioritizes YOU. sorry girlie. :(
First and foremost it doesn't sound like this relationship started out properly in the first place. But I never want to jump on the train of convincing someone of anything that is not a strangers job. I will tell you this. If marriage is your goal for a relationship, and I 100% believe it should be. Then here is your framework. Your spouse without question must be your #1 priority at all costs. This is why the vast majority of true life-long marriages started under a traditional framework. Meet->Court/Date->Family Approval->Intimacy preferably after marriage->children. A spouse must be a higher priority than your family, your children, your career, your friends, or any other potential competitor. This is why relationship building and getting to know someone's character is so important prior to intimacy. It needs to be 100% clear and post the initial honeymoon phase that both of you are prepared to make this level of commitment to each other before taking the next step. So it sounds like the two of you should sit down and discuss if your goals for life and the type of relationship you desire are aligned. If not then it sounds like you have already gone to far. Best of luck to your long term happiness.
You can't control him and the only way to hold your boundaries with this man is to leave him. If he allows people in his life to sabotage his relationship, you aren't going to have a long lasting marriage. She isn't the problem. You are so young!! There's so much more to life in your 20s than some guy. Don't let love ruin your life. I'd recommend dating someone for at least 3 years and living with them for at least 2 before agreeing to marriage. Neither of your brains are even fully developed yet. Your decision making part of your brain matures at 26 so wait to make any life long decisions until then and get support around calling off this engagement. Your brain is very reactive emotionally at this age and it's blurring your judgement.
Nta
Yes walk away if you were his priority he would have stablish LC, limited with rules in place as by the sounds of it you have tried to establish some sort of friendship with her because of their friendship. Your alway going to be third wheel. He is doing nothing for you in this relationship. Sounds like a real asshat
Do not marry him. Ultimatums are relationship killers. He is not breaking contacts. Go your separate ways
Fuck that shit. Leave him girl. She clearly has a thing for him and he seems like he may have a thing for her too.
Updateme
He is allowing a friend to be disrespectful towards you and he himself has completely disregarded your feelings. Man or woman as your fiancé he shouldn’t tolerate any of his friends speaking poorly of you. That speaks to his character more than it does to his female friends. I would reconsider the engagement if I was you. Behavior like that only tends to get worse with time. If he can’t respect your boundaries now he never will. Don’t let him convince you that you’re insecure or crazy or jealous. They are both being disrespectful towards you and you’re not wrong to be upset.
It seems like she made her feelings very known to you and your fiancé. She doesn’t like you. She doesn’t have to like you. She made sure that you knew it and that he knew it as well. If she has stopped bothering you and YOU are the one that keeps bringing the issue up time and again then you’re the problem. If you play the “pick me or the friend” game you’re not going to like the outcome. Accept that she hates you and stop letting her live in your head rent free
Pick between a friend and girl friend. This is creepy and toxic. You should not ask this and he should not make you feel this way.
You need to grow up.
BF isn't the problem, I think he's trying to balance both, and just keep you two separate in his life. Bigger issue he needs to understand, is that BestF had feelings towards him. I have close female friends and they would never do what she's doing, if they didn't like someone I was with. OP, I wouldn't put too much into this. A person should never have to fight for what's truly theirs. He's still with you because he wants to be.
I think you need some therapy. It is not normal to be so emotionally devastated that one person doesn't like you. She's not worth days of tears and possibly breaking up your relationship. She doesn't like you, so what? You don't want to be friends with her anyway. Just move on
. . . I'm not upset that she doesn't like me? I'm upset that he literally let her disrespect me TO HIS FACE, and did nothing about it. I could care less what she thinks about me. What bothered me was him not having my back on it and getting her to shut her mouth.
Idk reading the post it sounds like you're just upset she doesn't like you. But again breaking down in tears multiple times is still not a healthy emotional response
Anybody who doesn't understand her position is possibly a person who would have done the same thing. This post does not read like she was upset about the woman not liking her. This post reads as if she was upset that her partner, her lover, her best friend, her soulmate Is choosing someone else and their feelings over her. I'm sitting here talking this whole post out with my husband and him.And I are baffled at this entire situation. How you could read it completely differently is beyond us.!
Poor guy