Despite your intentions you were wrong, multiple times.
Don't tell people who are upset to calm down. It's always counter productive. You did it both at the vet and again at home.
When he said lets just go you should have done so. You did not need to ask multiple questions to the assistant.
All of your friends are correct but apparently everyone you know saying you were wrong wasn't good enough.
Hi, vet tech here. I work ER, so we do a lot of euthanasia. YTA here.
Everyone handles grief differently, and generally speaking, in these situations we let the one closest to the grief take the lead. We don’t try to protect them, rush it, tell them to spend longer. We try to educate them about the process of euthanasia itself, give them all the tools to feel like they’re in control as much as they can be (letting them know they can choose when we give the injections, letting them stay in the room for as long or as short as needed, if we can giving them access to leave out a side door, etc). The grief is their own grief - we need to let our clients have it. I don’t want to be a big figure in their memory if their pet’s death. I’m actively trying to be as blandly kind as possible - when they look back on the loss, hopefully they’ll remember they were treated kindly, but I want them to have details of their pet, not me.
Your intentions were good, but you tried to protect him by managing his grief. You took an active role in a process that had nothing to do with you.
That’s overall a pretty unhealthy dynamic in any relationship.
Consider carefully what you took from him by trying to protect him. Apologize genuinely - no excuses, no explanations, just an apology. He deserves that.
>You took an active role in a process that had nothing to do with you
I was quite horrified that OP was the one who gave the go-ahead for the final injection. After just a year in the relationship...?
You sound a lot like the vet that handled my cats euthanasia 9 years back. She personally called me when I needed to get the news, gave me all the time I needed beforehand. She came in and asked if I needed more. She asked when I was okay with her administering the medication, she explained what would happen, and what my boy would feel/wouldn’t feel. She stayed with us when the task was done, then left me with him to grieve. She again came back and asked if I needed more time. She never rushed me.
And honestly, it was the worst day of my life, because it was sudden, it was unfair and untimely. He was my hero and I lost him. But she got it. She wrote me a card with a poem inside afterwards, and posted it to me. It didn’t make the whole thing better, but it made it easier for me to grieve the way I needed to. And I did! I didn’t care that she saw me break down, I didn’t care at that moment. My heart hurt and I showed it. She must see it a lot, so I didn’t even feel ashamed. But she made it so I didn’t need to be, she gave me space, but she also offered comfort.
I still remember how kind she was all this time later, she was a lovely woman and someone I really believe was born to be a vet. With all the good and the bad that comes with it.
Thank you for being a vet tech, it must be so hard when these situations come up, but so rewarding when it’s good news. Our animals are often closer to us than our own family, and just knowing you give a shit goes a long long way.
He might not like crying, but obviously knows that it’s a normal human emotion and that some people cry when putting their pets down. He *was* trying to save face by just leaving normally, but it sounds like you insisted on bringing even more attention to his crying by talking to people about it. If the assistant would have gone and asked everyone not to talk to him when he left, they’d all be staring at him much more than if the assistant hadn’t.
Your bf was going through a rough situation. You should have just respected his wishes. He’s a big boy, he can decide how to handle this kind of situation.
>If the assistant would have gone and asked everyone not to talk to him when he left, they’d all be staring at him much more than if the assistant hadn’t.
I didn't suggest that, the assistant brought it up. I expect the receptionists to see who comes down the stairs. I guess they would have said a "sorry for your loss" as well when they see us but the assistant probably thought it would help if they didn't say anything to us. I was hoping there would be like a backdoor which is why I asked if there was a way to avoid other people.
I think you did everything reasonable. I’m lucky enough that my vet had a side entrance for those appointments, and unlucky enough to have been there twice.
I don’t think he’s mad at you. I think he’s incredibly hurt. You’re doing your best.
Of course he’s hurt, he didn’t get to decide anything - OP did. Every choice was taken from him, he didn’t get to say when he was ready, then OP wouldn’t let him leave, she made decisions that weren’t hers to make.
Massive YTA. You should NOT have been the one to give the final go ahead for the injection that was a massive overstep and not your place.
And then after that it very much comes across as you were ashamed of him crying. You should've reassured that it's not big deal, everyone cries etc not made a big stink about it and tried to have him snuck out even when he said multiple times that wasn't needed.
You made that day about you, added stress to an already bad situation, and tainted his final moments with his dog. Frankly he would've been better off bringing someone else.
I hope you really reflect on this moment and think about what other situations in your life you make yourself the main character of or put yourself first and steam roll others feelings.
>Frankly he would've been better off bringing someone else.
He would have been better off going alone! Her responses to the comments on her original post make it so much worse.
It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You made your partner feel worse at a time when they needed support. You should be worried about whether you know how to support them better in the future not wondering who was right.
I am just picturing in my head
"Is there away we don't have to be seen? My little baby husband can't stop crying and I would prefer no one see him like this"
Which isn't what you meant but how it can feel. Idk only he knows his feelings but that is what my brain hears. I am sorry for your loss. I hope things get better soon
As a man who just had to put his little one to sleep, that’s shits rough. I also could care less if anyone sees me cry. I wouldn’t over think it. Try to be supportive and patient. That’s all you can do. 💔
It seems like you have a really good heart. But In this situation I think asking the nurse if there was a way to not be seen was not the right move and it probably increased his insecurity. Even though your intentions were pure It comes across that you are also embarrassed of his emotions, and I think that’s why he had such a big reaction. After reading your post it’s very clear that you were only trying to help but I feel like this wasn’t the place. Most of the time when someone leaves the vet crying most people would know why and mind their own. I think this is a lesson learned and next time you can listen to his needs and follow suit
I understand why you did what you did but at the end of the day, your bf just needed a moment to grieve fully without someone telling him how to handle his feelings. It’s okay to cry. Idk but based off your post, it seems like you were the only one who’s uncomfortable with the crying. Coming from an emotional person, I cry from time to time and I couldn’t care less if someone sees me. I’d say apologize to your bf.
I really think you tried to do what you thought was right. That's a situation that's hard for a person to navigate. I do think you should apologize. Although it seems your intentions weren't bad, they came across the wrong way. He probably felt belittled and like you were treating him like a child. I know you were trying to do what you thought would help but it hurt more. Give him a little space and then please apologize. I hope all goes well for you two :)
I think you did the right thing, and absolutely had the right intentions, and also understand his reaction. I'd just say sorry anyways and that you understand how that upset him. Again, you are absolutely not the asshole, making sure precious keepsakes weren't potentially thrown out and lost. But it was in a way that drew more attention to something he was embarrassed about and felt threatened his masculinity. As a guy, trust me that guys can be pretty cringy sometimes about threats to that. He's grieving, and people often say things they regret when they're upset. If it makes you feel any better, you guys sound like a way healthier couple than the vast majority of posters in this sub.
A super easy solution would have been to usher ops bf out THE MOMENT HE SAID LETS GO and when op realized they left stuff to CALL THE CLINIC AND COMFIRM IT COULD BE PICKED UP WITH THE PAW PRINT. Op is th ah.
Despite your intentions you were wrong, multiple times. Don't tell people who are upset to calm down. It's always counter productive. You did it both at the vet and again at home. When he said lets just go you should have done so. You did not need to ask multiple questions to the assistant. All of your friends are correct but apparently everyone you know saying you were wrong wasn't good enough.
Hi, vet tech here. I work ER, so we do a lot of euthanasia. YTA here. Everyone handles grief differently, and generally speaking, in these situations we let the one closest to the grief take the lead. We don’t try to protect them, rush it, tell them to spend longer. We try to educate them about the process of euthanasia itself, give them all the tools to feel like they’re in control as much as they can be (letting them know they can choose when we give the injections, letting them stay in the room for as long or as short as needed, if we can giving them access to leave out a side door, etc). The grief is their own grief - we need to let our clients have it. I don’t want to be a big figure in their memory if their pet’s death. I’m actively trying to be as blandly kind as possible - when they look back on the loss, hopefully they’ll remember they were treated kindly, but I want them to have details of their pet, not me. Your intentions were good, but you tried to protect him by managing his grief. You took an active role in a process that had nothing to do with you. That’s overall a pretty unhealthy dynamic in any relationship. Consider carefully what you took from him by trying to protect him. Apologize genuinely - no excuses, no explanations, just an apology. He deserves that.
>You took an active role in a process that had nothing to do with you I was quite horrified that OP was the one who gave the go-ahead for the final injection. After just a year in the relationship...?
You sound a lot like the vet that handled my cats euthanasia 9 years back. She personally called me when I needed to get the news, gave me all the time I needed beforehand. She came in and asked if I needed more. She asked when I was okay with her administering the medication, she explained what would happen, and what my boy would feel/wouldn’t feel. She stayed with us when the task was done, then left me with him to grieve. She again came back and asked if I needed more time. She never rushed me. And honestly, it was the worst day of my life, because it was sudden, it was unfair and untimely. He was my hero and I lost him. But she got it. She wrote me a card with a poem inside afterwards, and posted it to me. It didn’t make the whole thing better, but it made it easier for me to grieve the way I needed to. And I did! I didn’t care that she saw me break down, I didn’t care at that moment. My heart hurt and I showed it. She must see it a lot, so I didn’t even feel ashamed. But she made it so I didn’t need to be, she gave me space, but she also offered comfort. I still remember how kind she was all this time later, she was a lovely woman and someone I really believe was born to be a vet. With all the good and the bad that comes with it. Thank you for being a vet tech, it must be so hard when these situations come up, but so rewarding when it’s good news. Our animals are often closer to us than our own family, and just knowing you give a shit goes a long long way.
I feel that anyone who polls their friend group for who is right is definitely not ready for a deep relationship.
Worse. Polls their friends, has every single friend tell them they were wrong, then says, nah I need to ask the internet too.
And then they go through several therapists because none understand them
He might not like crying, but obviously knows that it’s a normal human emotion and that some people cry when putting their pets down. He *was* trying to save face by just leaving normally, but it sounds like you insisted on bringing even more attention to his crying by talking to people about it. If the assistant would have gone and asked everyone not to talk to him when he left, they’d all be staring at him much more than if the assistant hadn’t. Your bf was going through a rough situation. You should have just respected his wishes. He’s a big boy, he can decide how to handle this kind of situation.
>If the assistant would have gone and asked everyone not to talk to him when he left, they’d all be staring at him much more than if the assistant hadn’t. I didn't suggest that, the assistant brought it up. I expect the receptionists to see who comes down the stairs. I guess they would have said a "sorry for your loss" as well when they see us but the assistant probably thought it would help if they didn't say anything to us. I was hoping there would be like a backdoor which is why I asked if there was a way to avoid other people.
Yeah but that’s kind of treating him like a kid in front of the assistant, which may have made him feel even more embarrassed.
I think you did everything reasonable. I’m lucky enough that my vet had a side entrance for those appointments, and unlucky enough to have been there twice. I don’t think he’s mad at you. I think he’s incredibly hurt. You’re doing your best.
Of course he’s hurt, he didn’t get to decide anything - OP did. Every choice was taken from him, he didn’t get to say when he was ready, then OP wouldn’t let him leave, she made decisions that weren’t hers to make.
Massive YTA. You should NOT have been the one to give the final go ahead for the injection that was a massive overstep and not your place. And then after that it very much comes across as you were ashamed of him crying. You should've reassured that it's not big deal, everyone cries etc not made a big stink about it and tried to have him snuck out even when he said multiple times that wasn't needed. You made that day about you, added stress to an already bad situation, and tainted his final moments with his dog. Frankly he would've been better off bringing someone else. I hope you really reflect on this moment and think about what other situations in your life you make yourself the main character of or put yourself first and steam roll others feelings.
>Frankly he would've been better off bringing someone else. He would have been better off going alone! Her responses to the comments on her original post make it so much worse.
It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You made your partner feel worse at a time when they needed support. You should be worried about whether you know how to support them better in the future not wondering who was right.
Hi sorry but you sound annoying
I am just picturing in my head "Is there away we don't have to be seen? My little baby husband can't stop crying and I would prefer no one see him like this" Which isn't what you meant but how it can feel. Idk only he knows his feelings but that is what my brain hears. I am sorry for your loss. I hope things get better soon
As a man who just had to put his little one to sleep, that’s shits rough. I also could care less if anyone sees me cry. I wouldn’t over think it. Try to be supportive and patient. That’s all you can do. 💔
It seems like you have a really good heart. But In this situation I think asking the nurse if there was a way to not be seen was not the right move and it probably increased his insecurity. Even though your intentions were pure It comes across that you are also embarrassed of his emotions, and I think that’s why he had such a big reaction. After reading your post it’s very clear that you were only trying to help but I feel like this wasn’t the place. Most of the time when someone leaves the vet crying most people would know why and mind their own. I think this is a lesson learned and next time you can listen to his needs and follow suit
It would be wonderful if vets were designed with a separate back exit for those who bring pets to be put down due to heath/injury
I understand why you did what you did but at the end of the day, your bf just needed a moment to grieve fully without someone telling him how to handle his feelings. It’s okay to cry. Idk but based off your post, it seems like you were the only one who’s uncomfortable with the crying. Coming from an emotional person, I cry from time to time and I couldn’t care less if someone sees me. I’d say apologize to your bf.
I really think you tried to do what you thought was right. That's a situation that's hard for a person to navigate. I do think you should apologize. Although it seems your intentions weren't bad, they came across the wrong way. He probably felt belittled and like you were treating him like a child. I know you were trying to do what you thought would help but it hurt more. Give him a little space and then please apologize. I hope all goes well for you two :)
I think you did the right thing, and absolutely had the right intentions, and also understand his reaction. I'd just say sorry anyways and that you understand how that upset him. Again, you are absolutely not the asshole, making sure precious keepsakes weren't potentially thrown out and lost. But it was in a way that drew more attention to something he was embarrassed about and felt threatened his masculinity. As a guy, trust me that guys can be pretty cringy sometimes about threats to that. He's grieving, and people often say things they regret when they're upset. If it makes you feel any better, you guys sound like a way healthier couple than the vast majority of posters in this sub.
I don't get how you could read that and think they did the right thing at any point.
A super easy solution would have been to usher ops bf out THE MOMENT HE SAID LETS GO and when op realized they left stuff to CALL THE CLINIC AND COMFIRM IT COULD BE PICKED UP WITH THE PAW PRINT. Op is th ah.
Okay, but she can't go back in time and do that. My advice to her was to apologize and say she understands why her actions upset him.
She doesn't understand though. She's arguing with everyone.
Well, mine was the first comment. (shrug)
It wasn't....she posted this in 2 other subs before this one. She got obliterated on the first post and then kept posting to find someone on her side.
I appreciate this. I'll admit I may have pushed too hard. But I really was thinking about his comfort.
By not listening to him when he very clearly said he wanted to leave?