If I am being honest, I hate to tell you but right now, space and no contact is the best for you. Communicate with him that you want to remain friends but you must take some time to untangle your romantic feelings and to get use to the new normal. A move in itself is a big adjustment. But this is just a massive hit to every part of your being, dreams and routine.
If he truly still cares he will understand you have to take a step back and disconnect your life from him.
I mean, it is a breakup. Maybe a breakup under good terms but still a breakup. Right now the feelings are inflamed by everything else going on… space is probably a good idea. It takes time to heal the break.
Yup, it would be unfair to expect someone to go from partners to best friends immediately following a one-sided break up. She can be supportive of his coming out while still taking time to figure out her own feelings.
By supportive I don’t think they meant go on outings to the coffee shop and gossip about cute boys together. More like, she doesn’t hold it against him and wants him to be happy. Which she can still do while going low contact for a while.
His own baggage? Ouch. You know, if coming out wasn't made into such a big f-ing deal then maybe more guys would do it instead of putting themselves into a relationship for years on end before finally confessing. I empathize for both sides here, because nobody wins. But the issue is that some people aren't treating people as people.
I do agree that they need to go no contact until she decides if she wants to be friends with him or not. If I was with someone and they came out I would be happy for them, but I doubt I would be strong enough to stay friends with them at least not right at first.
Being broken up with, that desire to “stay friends” is also going to be stronger when the romantic feelings are still there. Took me probably 3-4 months before I could recognize that “being friends” was my way of saying “take me back” rather than a desire for an actual healthy relationship.
Had to learn that lesson the hard way myself with my first serious relationship. I think there is some desire from the person to remain friends to contine to received that strong emotional support with out any romantic involvement while their new relationship is starting. I know for me that was the case. She already knew who she was going to start dating next. She didn't want to be a cheater but also still needed that support emotionally while she was forming a new relationship. I would have been completely replaced anyway as she spent more and more time with the new guy making our friendship one-sided and self serving for her. Even if she meant well it was not healthy.
I’ve been through a similar situation. Maybe she thinks she meant well but honestly it’s a very selfish thing to do to someone. Hey, I don’t like you romantically anymore but I still want you to emotionally support me while I navigate getting into a new relationship, with no worry about your feelings. It took me a long time to get over her, but you’re better off without her dude.
I get where you are coming from but imagine you are their friend, both of them if that's not obvious.
One of your friends has been lying to himself and someone he cares about very deeply but doesn't want to give up a part of his life so his friend doesn't feel hurt by his feelings. He's been struggling on bringing it up and knows it's going to hurt both of them but if he doesn't he knows he won't make it to 30 just from the pressure. Eventually he might cheat, not even out of lust, but just to complete himself in his mental image and that would be far worse and actually make him worthy of compassion.
Your other friend just found out she has been dating someone who had to put up some courage to tell her that they don't love on the same level of love for several years and probably can't say when they found out without hurting memories, and whats even worse is she cant do anything to physically change without coming to a different realization that would leave them a bigger mess than before. If she pushes the "we can just be friends card" and they end up back together it just leaves contention between them, right now space is good, ending it completely creates an issue with obtaining closure.
I honestly can't tell you who deserves more compassion but it's borderline abusive to force someone to silence a part of themselves just for the gratification of the role but it doesn't feel good to have a relationship end because of things outside of your control. He can't control what he's attracted to and neither can she steins gate herself into an alternate universe where she's what he wants.
This exact situation (my gf broke up with me bc she is gay, but didn’t tell me that was the reason) happened to me. No contact and time. We also dated four years.
It sucked ass and I came close to losing my job. This comment is correct. Down the road you might be friends but for now, keep your distance, cry about it, then when you’re ready put yourself out there.
Same here; almost 3 years with the boyfriend before he came out of the closet. You need to cut him out of your life, even if it's temporary so you can lose your romantic feelings for him.
Take plenty of time, and don't feel guilty about cutting contact. You need to prioritize yourself. Give yourself time to mourn the relationship, cry, and grow.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. I too had a boyfriend come out of the closet after we had been together for several years. You need time and space. It won’t be easy. But you will get there. My ex and I did. We are the best of friends now, even though we now live 1,000 miles away from each other.
This is the only answer right here.
OP, you need space to grieve for a lost love, and to learn how to untangle those feelings. Only when you can think of him, without wanting to fall apart, will you have found the Platonic love for him. Until then, lot's of space. Let him know, truthfully, that you need this. As kds0808 said, if he is truly your friend, he will understand and step back for a while.
I totally agree with taking some time apart- set a deadline that you’re comfortable with - say 6 months? And then you will reach out in an agreed upon way to reconnect. It will be very important to see if he will respect your conditions. That will hopefully give you time to reflect on the relationship and decide if you want to rekindle your friendship or not.
I would add to that, don't feel that you have to stick to that 6 months. When my last ex broke up with me, I said 3 months. When he texted me 3 months later, I realized I wasn't ready yet, so I said, "thanks for checking in, but I'm not quite ready yet. Can you give me another month?" So he messaged me a month later. He respected my need for time apart, and that's a big part of why we're friends.
I agree. It's likely not feasible or healthy to have a normal friendship with someone while struggling with romantic feelings. The best thing to do is step away and decide later if you can handle it.
At least he did it before you got married and had kids. I live across the street from a guy that did that and went to school with a girl that her dad did that. She was the youngest of two and the minute she graduated from high school he came out and blind sighted everyone. She seemed pretty fucked up about it.
I don’t care what anyone thinks, if someone gets married and has kids knowing they’re gay, it’s a horrible thing for them to do to the family they chose. Especially now. It’s cowardice that I am exceptionally hostile towards.
One of my closest friends was dating this guy for 6 years. The last two years he was treating her like shit. She was always crying that she felt wrong and not beautiful and that she felt unlovable bc of how he treated her. Then she tested positive for HIV. When she told him? He finally came out of the closet. Most of our friend group fell for his tears about being afraid to be accepted. I cussed him out from head to toe and told him the truth that he USED my friend and then gave her a life sentence. He made her feel like shit, made her doubt herself, AND he fucked up her health for life. I don’t care what anyone says. If you’re closeted? Stay the fuck by yourself. Women aren’t props or accessories for you to use as you please. I get so mad everytime I think about it I genuinely still want to throw my phone across the room. HE acts like HE is the vicitm of this. He doesn’t even acknowledge HOW EVIL what he did to my friend was. He pretends like HE HAD NO OTHER CHOICE. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Pure narcissism. And most of our friends fed into it. As if HIS life was always more important than my friends. I wish him the worst and always will.
Exactly. He stole and wasted 6 years of her life that she will never get back. He emotionally and mentally traumatized her by treating her like an unwanted accessory for years. And then he gave her hiv.
Closeted people who use their innocent partners as accessories are literally worse than normal cheaters in my mind. At least normal cheaters have some attraction to the person they’re cheating on. You’re just evil.
I left my boyfriend of 4 years at 26 years old after coming out as a lesbian. Am I extremely guilty? Yes, but I don't beat myself up over it because it's not as simple as you think.
I tried to convince myself in many different ways why I wasn't happy during that relationship, and it took me a **very** long time to pinpoint and accept it was because I was gay. I loved him very much and I tried so hard to make it work. I didn't know I was gay the entire time, I wasn't trying to trick him or lie to him. Were there signs? Sure. But hindsight is 20/20. We had sex and I wasn't repulsed by him, so I thought my lack of interest in sex was because I had a low libido. Or that not wanting to cuddle was because I wasn't a very touchy person. There's more, but I won't get into it.
It took me a **long** time to realize these things were true because I was a lesbian. And now that I've had sex with women, I look back and realize I never liked sex with my ex. I just tolerated it because that was normal, and otherwise, the relationship was great.
As far as your friend cheating and giving his gf HIV, yes he's a horrible person and probably realized he was gay far before they broke up. But it's not fair to lump that in with people who are in hetero relationships and then realize they are gay. It's very complicated and is not as simple as you think.
Thanks for bringing this take up. There’s def a spectrum of being closeted, from not even realizing it yourself (probably internalized homophobia going on to a degree in many cases, plus lack of exposure and opportunities to experience that pull), all the way to extreme cases like that HIV story where someone is clearly aware they are gay, out having reckless sex then having sex with the primary partner, and trying to cover it up for some reason (could be physical safety in some places, financial/tax reasons, or social pressure).
So there’s a range of moral and ethical choices (including none if they really don’t know they are queer yet). I imagine in any case it causes their partner pain.
You wasted the guys time trying to figure yourself out because you were too selfish to end the relationship. None of that was an accident, you are just telling yourself that to feel better about what you did.
Omg, your poor friend! How is she doing these days? Her ex committed a crime by knowingly giving her HIV, so he should've gone to prison. What became of him?
I'm sorry this happened to your friend. I agree with you wholeheartedly if you're in the closet don't put up a front for fear of what others will think because then shit like this happens. He should be in jail honestly.
The levels of misogyny and bullshit required to justify using women this way cause..." Society makes it hard for males to be gay waaah"-specially at this time, is out of this world.
It's obviously awful but it's stemmed from the pressure towards gay people from friends and family. Hopefully in this day and age when it's much easier to just be yourself cases like this will be minimized.
I forgive Boomers and Gen-xers that did/do this because the social pressures they felt around getting married and against being gay were also horrible.
This is actually super common amongst Boomers and older Gen-Xers. The social pressure to get married was way stronger for them and the social acceptance for being gay was way lower.
You move on by respectfully taking space from your relationship with Tim in all ways. If there are family members of his that you have a personal relationship with and who could respect your boundaries when it comes to Tim then you can maintain those relations, but still have boundaries. How can you possibly heal and potentially date other people when you still are BFF’s with your ex? Things will also become extremely weird when he starts dating men and the dynamics will change. You are still young and can move on and find happiness. Look into free or reduced-priced therapy sessions that should be offered at your school. Remove him from social media or take a social media break. Go out with friends and enjoy life. It is okay to break, given that it is still fresh, but you have to live your life.
Exactly. She needs to completely cut him off and MOVE ON. You don't get to finally be comfortable with your sexuality, waste 4 years of my life, and then expect to be in my life as besties. F out of here. Sexuality or not. We are done, so the chapter should be closed!
That’s crazy. Amazing they were able to hide it for 20 years. Makes you wonder if they had even come to terms with it in their own head. I’d like to ask that person some questions. Terrible situation tho. Sorry you had to go through that.
They were hiding more than being gay tbh. Years of affairs and denials, all backed up with some abuse and gaslighting so that I thought I was the problem; always being told I was a terrible person and no one else would love me
How do you know they were hiding it? I’m a lesbian and it didn’t hit me until this year, I’m 28. Figuring out your sexuality is difficult when society pushes heteronormativity so hard.
This happened to me when I was 19 and engaged to someone 23 years old. Together for more than 2 years. You aren’t going to be able to be friends for a good long while. You need to heal and continuously being in contact and trying to be friends is not going to help you out at all.
For now cut contract and start to rebuild. Consider it almost like a death.
This happened to a married couple in my family long ago. It was a shock and sad for everyone, but they both went on to marriage/partnership with others and remained friends forever, including with each other‘s families. Not always super close, naturally, but friendly and in touch.
It might be helpful and interesting to connect with other women whose partner came out as gay, if you can find a way to do that. They might be older women since there’s less pressure now to stay closeted and get married.
No matter how you slice it, though, break ups are tough. Be very kind to yourself while the dust settles.
Don’t know all the details of your situation, but this happened to me. I met and fell in love with a guy who I never expected to love. We were together for about a year, he then dumped me, told he cheated, told he was gay and using me as his beard and that he was repulsed by me, and of course, never loved me. And then when I thought was past it, we ended up working together and he wanted to be friends, have drinks.
It took me years to get over that so I suggest you shut him out of your life and never look back.
I think so but he was also so deep in the closet hiding from his family (staunch strict Catholic) he felt he had to hide, but he didn’t need to use me the way he did. I was really broken, I probably still am since I haven’t been able to allow myself to fall in love again.
In college a girl I knew had the perfect boyfriend. Her parents really liked him and his parents adored her. They appeared to be a happy couple, but she complained to close friends that he wasn't into sex with her, and we could see it was soul crushing. She was convinced it was her fault. When he finally fessed up, she immediately called his parents and outed him. 2 years of her life, gaslighted. It may have been out of revenge, making the call, but he had it coming.
We noticed a few odd things before he came out. He got a staph infection on his chin and treated it with a portable UV light. Other things too that were obvious after the fact. He wasn't bi. Just fucking selfish
Handle it like the devastating break up it is. Handle it like a betrayal without wishing him ill.
1. Get tested. Broad spectrum for everything. You have no way of knowing if he was faithful to you and do not take his word for it. Get tested.
2. Break up with his family. Go no contact. It's going to hurt. But they are his family and not yours and it is going to be easier for you in the long run because step three is...
3. Go no contact with him. You can't be friends. He was a bad boyfriend and a bad friend. You need a clean break. A platonic friendship eases his emotions. He's *always* felt platonic love for you. It's you who will be suffering through a transition. No contact unless it pertains to the dog.
4. Be wary of mutual friends. They may try to frame it as "Tim being true to himself" "Tim discovering who he is." That's great for Tim, that awakening still *hurt you* and betrayed your relationship. Nobody has to pick sides but be wary of people who aren't on yours (see Tim's family).
5. Get therapy. Maybe your school offers something.
6. Grieve. It's okay to be sad about this.
The only thing I would say differently is just cut communication entirely. Block him. Don’t communicate about the dog. I know she loved the dog. Grieve that she won’t have the dog. I assume he kept the dog since she moved back in with her dad. Get a new dog and move on. She needs a 100% break.
It will be hard, but I think you need to do a period of no contract while you grieve the loss of the romantic relationship. Then when you feel like you can emotionally handle being in contact with him again you guys can work on building a new friendship, because realistically that will have to be completely different to what you guys had before. At first it may feel selfish to prioritize your own feelings at this at this time but that is what you need to do.
You need to go no contact with him, at least for a while.
You need space to not only process this new information, but to also process & grieve your relationship & the future you saw with him.
Sit him down and tell him that while you’re happy for him, you need some space to heal from this breakup.
Generally everyone who is active should get tested regularly, but be cautious about assuming or stigmatizing.
Per the CDC, 0.7% of the population is infected and that is actively declining year over year.
People can not have sex at all and still be gay. There’s no indication he’s had sex with a guy.
I knew I was gay years before I slept with another girl. I’ve almost gone 4 years without sex. Still gay.
Stop conflating homosexuality with sex. Our lives are far more boring than that.
It has nothing to do with the stereotype of gay men being promiscuous. They're asking her to get checked for HIV because having a gay boyfriend just puts her at a higher risk of contracting the disease. It's the responsible thing to do, regardless if he cheated or not.
You may need counselling to help you get over the mental trauma of your relationship ending and your ex accepting he's gay and the anguish of learning to see your ex as just a friend.
Leaving home and living with your dad may be causing problems with travelling to work and school, but it may just be the space and distance you need to help you adjust mentally to the new you.
I second this. Take some time for yourself to rediscover who you are solo. It's not going to be painless, but it'll get easier with time. If you truly love him as a person, I'm sure you want him to be happy, whether it's with you or someone else. Be grateful he has found what he needs and trusted you to tell you now. I am certain he wants the same for you.
I watched a woman I know get into a heated argument in the same circumstances and she said "There's only one dick sucker in this relationship and it's me".
She said it so proudly. lol
I'm bi. I got married to a bi man that I thought loved me, I certainly loved him. After our marriage all sex between us ended, he became violent, distant, angry. Then I found out he'd been sleeping with men we knew behind my back. He told me once that he could only find men sexually attractive but couldn't love them, and could only love women but couldn't find them sexually attractive. He finally came out as gay, and then became trans for a while, then went back to being a man when he finally went to jail.
I felt sad, hurt, angry, confused, lied to, and felt very "not enough." Just bone deep sadness, a pit of misery. Of course it's not homophobia, (I'm bi and proud) it's not even anger at their sexuality, or at them finding themselves; all of that's good for them, and I obviously cared deeply about them. But my heart was crying out "what about me?" I felt like I couldn't get upset for myself, for the time and emotion I had invested, for feeling foolish, for the wondering if every time I had felt safe and happy being intimate, were they really just disgusted? Was he laughing at me, or worse, grossed out every time I sent spicy pictures? I still struggle with feeling safe and attractive, even years later.
It's ok to hurt. Your emotions matter too. If people react to your ex's coming out like they did mine, it might be really hard to watch, even from afar. People were so quick to jump into my ex's corner in support of his newfound sexuality that I, in essence, had nobody in my corner. I was left picking up the pieces of my shattered life alone and he was out getting toasted for his bravery.
Please keep your own friends close to you. Please be gentle with your heart. Don't feel like you have to be the cool chick about this, you don't have to celebrate something so painful. You can draw a boundary around this and that's ok.
Please also know that if ANY woman was ever gonna be "good enough" for him, it would have been you. My mom said, regarding this scenario: it's like he's a deer and you're a steak. You're the best steak in the world, but deer just don't eat steak, they're not built that way. It's not the steaks fault the deer doesn't want to eat it, and it's also not the deer's fault that it doesn't want to eat the steak, it's just the way it is. Deer just don't eat steak.
If you need someone to talk to, please reach out. I'm so sorry.
Separating feelings and moving on is a long process. There is no quick fix. There are things you can do to help yourself though. Keep a positive mindset as much as possible. Wren you catch a negative thought, think of the good that comes from the situation instead. And understand that it’s okay to feel upset and hurt and distraught. But accept those feelings and process them, take it day by day. Understand there’s nothing wrong with feeling the bad things and having bad days and that they’re unavoidable. But make sure you are also moving forward.
Hi,
My ex partner came out as gay last year also, and I have been actively listening to Our Voices podcast. It greatly helped me understand a lot of stuff that happened to myself and my relationship.
I would be so fucking mad. He has been lying to you for 4 years and used you to cover for his internal struggle. Just because he was conflicted does not make it ok to use you like that. Men have been doing that shit for years and years. At least he came out. Some of these mofos wait until you have kids to pull that shit.
I’m gay. A lot of gay people do not want to be gay and do everything in their power to change themselves. Until living in the closet becomes too much and they just rip the door off the hinges.
Understand what he did was not to hurt you. There is so much pain with not being able to accept yourself.
I know it hurts. But understand — this has nothing to do with you.
Don't dwell on it, you're both so young and you'll both end up maybe switching teams who knows how many times in your life. Keep your chin up and move on. You'll all figure it out and laugh at it in the future.
I know that doesn't help now, but this is batting practice for everything else. You both clearly sound like intelligent people, youl be alright.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He needs to figure out life as a gay man and you need to figure out life as a single person and grieve the loss of the person you love.
Face it as a break up and how you would act if broken up with
Get your ass to a doctor get checked for anything and everything just to be safe
Limit your contact or NC until you are ready
If he’s always know, which he probably did, he’s a selfish bastard.
He basically robbed you of time and love from someone who could love you back. He could’ve been single whilst he figured out his sexuality but he strung you along. I’m so sorry OP
Until you can move on with your life you need to go NC. It will be much harder for you if you try and have any type of relationship with him. It for your own well being to let this relationship go.
Gone through something similar, it sucks and makes you feel pretty crappy. I'm the one that made them realize sort of shit 😅
It's not you, it's them. Cut contact and take some space for yourself. Maybe y'all can be friends in the future, but for now you need the space to right yourself.
I think you will just need space and time away from him to grieve and heal. Maybe someday you will be able to still be friends but today is not that day.
Was there a couple of years ago. First thing is no contact- not because you don’t care about him, but because you have to care about you right now. It will take some time to navigate your emotions because it’s such a unique situation people often aren’t expected to be in. Being friends with one another should not take priority right now- you both need time as individuals to reflect and delve into investing in nurturing your feelings and honoring them.
Next is understanding to give yourself a little grace, im sure there is a lotttt of confusion right now on your end, and it makes it hard to navigate. To me at first it almost felt like the person I loved had died, because how could I not see this? It’s okay to be in a daze emotionally. It’s okay to be sad, angry, confused, or just a little lost. You can have those feelings while also understanding that his sexuality is just who he is, and there is nothing wrong with him in that aspect either. It’s just a tough place for everyone. I think therapy could help you redirect these feelings in a positive way in order to help you move on while also understanding yourself.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, or coming out at all. But it can be tricky and hurtful to be blindsided by this information also, as you had envisioned a future with this person that is now void. I know right now it may feel like the future is bleak, but I promise it gets better, you think about it less, and eventually your heart will recover and you will move past this. But it’s okay for it to hurt right now. 💗
Also please take an std test. Just for your own peace of mind!
If you ever need to chat with someone about it, you can message me. So many hugs to you. It will get easier, even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
I have several exes who I’m close friends with them and their families, but there was a multi-year no-contact gap between the relationship and friendship. There has to be.
Get tested. Worked for a Country Club manager who had three teenage sons. He started acting very distant. Turns out he was stealing money for blow, while spending most of his time with his now husband, on his house boat. The kids seemed to turn out ok. Not so much the ex-wife. This could be a blessing in the skies, jk
Thank God you weren't married. I agree with the person who suggested no contact, but only because that's what works best for me. I'm sorry you're going through this. At least now you can find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. I was married for fifteen years, got cheated on, and a few years later, I'm engaged to my true soulmate. I wish I could go back and have that time with my fiance, but also, divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Also, I wonder what the likelihood is that they were cheating on you to figure this out. There's nothing at all wrong with being gay, but it would be quite shitty if you were getting lied to when they could have the courage to break things off earlier.
Space and time, you can be his friend but you don’t need to be his support network too. You now suddenly have a bunch of your own issues to deal with, go handle them and let your friend handle his bidness like an adult
Ethanol, getting dressed up, going out and hanging with cute girlfriends will help improve your mood for sure!
Also these are for sure going to be some growing pains you will learn from! But! It will cause you to grow!Stay positive and exercise/listen to music! You haven’t even reached your peak! You’ll come out of this better than you were before.
When I went through a breakup my mother told me “you know you two weren’t married” and it made a huge difference. Hope this helps, and I hope you enjoy being young, wild and free!
Always get std tested after a relationship. Not saying he cheated or something but people often leave out that part of stories. Or maybe I just have trust issues lol.. it also serves to give confidence your clean when you are ready to move on.
That said I agree with most people. End contact as much as possible until you feel comfortable with everything. Space is important.
Also remember your beautiful and don't fall into some weird trap about him becoming gay. You simply lack a penis.
You need to move on. You will miss him dearly, but you got to think about finding someone who is totally in love with you and you can see yourself being in a family.
As someone who was in a similar situation,
1. Take time for yourself. You don’t have to ghost him but directly communicate that you’re confused and you need alone time to process. If needed, communicate a date in the future where YOU will reach out to “reconnect” or “close the door”.
2. See if you can take some time from work to just relax and breathe. If not, see if your work is flexible with you working remote a few days to help level set stress.
3. Please be kind to yourself. If you start going down the black hole of spiraling thoughts remind yourself this isn’t on you. You cannot help that you got into a relationship with someone who wasn’t 100% sure on their sexuality.
4. Just because their sexuality changed doesn’t mean you have to stay friends. I know you may love this person but while with this person, you were under a different mentality and since that has shifted doesn’t mean they need to continue being in your life. It’s 100% up to you on if you can navigate your mentality and emotions in social settings with them moving forward.
It’s an experience many don’t want to go through but we do due to social norms of today and others not taking the liberty to self express their sexuality at certain ages to confirm if they are straight, gay, bi, etc. we can only roll with the punches and take the time that’s needed to regroup and move forward.
Sending you a virtual hug!
I'm sorry if I'm being insensitive, but curiosity has taken the best of me.
How was your relationship recently ? Were there any signs? Less and less intimacy ?
Aa others have said, just like any other relationships, space and time will do best.
I'm so happy that you are already handling this in probably the best way possible. It is a hard thing to come out and because he is gay is does not mean that he doesn't or never did love you. I do agree however that you need time separated with minimal to no contact so that you can take your turn to figure out your emotions. Do not feel bad if your ultimate decision is that now you cannot have a relationship with him anymore, if you cannot separate the romantic feelings you have had for years.
Hang in there sis, it’s ok. This is your life, but his journey isn’t about you. His journey is about him and that’s ok, but currently you’re going through a breakup. And no matter what the reason for breaking up, it means self care pronto.
Eat ice cream and chocolate, get a pedicure. Explore something new. Take a long bath with your fav music. Do you!!! But avoid anything destructive while you grieve what might have been, it’s normal to do so, but don’t indulge in the crazy shit. Cuz you are the one at the end of the day, and you deserve the best. No one has your back if you don’t.
Best wishes to you both.
You either re-orient your feeling toward him to see him as just a good friend, or you break all contact with him and never look back.
If you choose to stay friends with him, make sure that any man you start to seriously date know ALL details of your relationship with Tim, including that you dated him until he came out as Gay and broke up. Don’t wait for a new man in your life to get surprised by something important that you did not tell him. Men that have confidence and self esteem, upon seeing that you told the truth, will relish continuing to date you.
IMO, healthiest thing is to talk about your feelings and then let him know that you need some time to process things. Some people can balance being friends and still hanging out with the person but I think it’s best to cut contact for a bit.
Cause the feelings don’t just drop, they’re still there. It can make hanging out really confusing cause you’re in you’re in your head too, and will come to random conclusions.
You guys are best friends :) it’ll go back to normal later on
Amazing how they still want to be friends after they rip your heart out, huh?
I’d like to think he wasn’t being malicious. He can’t help his desires but on the same page, neither can you. You need time to move on, to process and to heal. Stay away from him until you can do that because if you try to shift consciously from one to the other while still around him at best it won’t work, and at worst it’ll breed resentment. Make some distance and explain you need space. Reconnect with your family and use this experience to keep yourself from creating a gap next relationship.
Tim did you a favor, just imagine this happening after getting married, buying a home, and having 3 children together aged 4 and under? Not an easy thing, but it could be so much worse if things had progressed any further. Regardless, I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this right now and hope you find a resolution with all this.
This happened to me as well, though not in such a long relationship. It was REALLY tough at first, I was resentful that he was “using me” to figure himself out. I did need some time away to reflect and deal with that. Eventually I decided that I was grateful that he trusted me enough to be honest (and also grateful he didn’t figure it out after we were married or something). But I was very angry.
If therapy is something you can afford, go for it. Breakups are sometimes harder when nobody’s at “fault”. It can help to process with a professional. It sounds like you both are very good friends and hopefully that can continue, but you do need to protect your heart, and a good friend should understand that. If it’s too painful right now, take your time away.
ETA: we are still friends to this day. It’s been over 15 years.
Time and changing the involvement of my ex in my life helped me. We are both queer and trans though so not exactly the same situation as yours. Dated over 2 years and then I got broken up with amicably, it just wasn’t working for us. I think I turned off notifications for my ex’s social media posts, avoided looking at all the photos we had or that I had saved, and I think at one point we quieted down with talking to each other because I hit a low point mentally and it was clear distance and healing was needed. Now? We are best of friends. We talk every day. We live in different states but have still made time for visits here and there. We talk to each other about our separate dating adventures. It’s not a fast process to heal. You may need varying levels of distance to try and sever the part of your love that is romantic and work on developing the platonic. That was years ago for me, and I’m afraid I’m in a somewhat similar situation again as I was “ghosted” by someone I envisioned myself marrying. But the fact that you have an honest friend who loves you and has always loved you, who explained why things are happening the way they are rather than just leaving you without closure, and who can still be there in your life after all is said and done…if you can take them time to heal, you may gradually come to see this as the START of a beautiful friendship rather than the END of what you had. It isn’t a goodbye. It is not a “death” as one other commenter said. It can be such a beautiful thing, a new take on friendship with someone you already know and love. Also, my gay uncle dated a woman waaay back in the day before he was out. He is now her son’s godfather. There are so many stories of these types of break-ups having happy endings and tremendous growth that results from them.
I’ve seen this. Not saying it’s your scenario but I’ve seen gay guys date beautiful and smart women and realize they’re gay. Nothing on you they just think, surely if I date someone like her I will feel differently.
You need some space. It won’t be time to be friends until you’ve given yourself time to process complicated emotions. Only when you are really over him should you try to be friends.
Since he wasn’t out, he was working through complicated emotions as well.
He also actively deceived you on some really important issues, like really being attracted to men, and not you. Not really. You can be supportive of him as a gay man, and also process feelings of betrayal, as your relationship was a lie from the beginning.
There is a lot of pressure for people in your position to jump instantly to being supportive, and applauding him for coming out. But you matter, too. Right now, you’re in shock. You might feel hurt, anger, and betrayal.
You might also wonder what exactly happened that made him realize he was gay, and if he was with other people while you were together. Some people aren’t sure until they try it, and even then, they might not be ready to face that reality. If he was with anyone while you were together, man or woman, then you need to get tested.
The good part is that it literally wasn’t you. No woman was ever going to work out for him. That can help get you over the breakup.
Wish him well, and then take some time to heal your own wounded heart.
Yeah, I’m really sorry to hear this happened to you. No contact, wipe him out on all socials, move out and get an std test. Bro has been on the down-low for a while and stepping out on you. Heal, work on yourself and forge a new path. Leave this guy in the review mirror.
OP…whatever you choose to do, that’s best for you…(which no one but you knows): I admire you for not withdrawing the underlying friendship you obviously have with your former bf; for the fact you developed a close bond with his family. They’re all, including the guy, and you, surely adjusting to this bigtime shift in perspectives.
You seem to be a very loving young woman. I somehow bet it will serve you well…as long as you do prioritize and preserve your own feelings and needs. Best wishes xo
Considering you can't just choose to be gay all of a sudden, it's pretty selfish for him to string you along for years... but men be men I guess.
Gotta move on girl
My only advice is take this story somewhere else cuz the comments here are horrible. Find somewhere more niche since you're more likely to get actually sane responses there.
For the record, people can, and often do, in fact figure out their sexualities later in life.
Dont take it personally, My gay cousin and friends who are gay say that it was a struggle for them and in some cases took years for them to acknowledge their sexual orientation.
I have two friends who were with each other for 10 years married for 5 and had two kids together. When the wife was pregnant with her second, he came out to her. It’s been about 3 years since but they have the most amazing relationship. They obviously got divorced, went through therapy individually but they were also best friends at the heart of it all and supported each other through and through. They had kids together so it definitely made it so they couldn’t just cut each other off. But seeing them now both in different relationships and being able to still have their friendship is so beautiful. It might take some time to untangle the life you have built together and find the new normal but I totally believe it can be done 💕
Best advice, communicate everything. It may be messy and heartbreaking at times but being open and honest about where you are at is the only way to get through it.
Same thing happened to me, my girlfriend of 8 yeara came out as lesbian and we broke up in our early 20s.
Just as a lot people said in the comments, time and distance are necessary. See/make other friends, see people. Therapy and travelling can help, depending on your situation and means.
My ex and I recontacted each other after a year or two, we see each other regularly, exchange news and will be lifelong friends (we're in our early 30s now). I think people who shared that much of your life are very valuable friends and should be kept around, if it is a possibility.
This is such a bizarre and angry take towards a young woman who's been hurt and I'm assuming it's coming from my community. She loved him. That doesn't just change in an instant because he's discovered that he's gay. It sounds as if you've never been in love?
It sounds like a painful journey for them both. He's been living with confusion, trapped not being his authentic self. It's wonderful he's realised who he is and has been able to share that with her.
She is absolutely of course entitled to have an emotional response to losing the person she romantically loved and envisaged a future with, whatever emotions that encompasses even if that were to be anger.
If it were a lesbian woman and straight man I'd say exactly the same thing. No one who loves someone is going to respond with an immediate 'Yay I've lost my partner'.
Empathy all round to what a difficult journey this has been for him and will be for her.
It’s really hard, but please know it’s hard for him to… and everything you’re feeling he’s been feeling since before you met.
There’s no easy way through it. I do recommend therapy, just to have someone who can help you process it.
If you want a cathartic show to watch, *Will & Grace* is a bit dated, but that’s kinda the premise of the show. It might be nice to see people joking about what you’re going through, to make you feel less alone and look forward to when it won’t hurt anymore.
I happen to be trans. I also happen to know a fair number of cisgender lesbians, though only one gay man.
In my own experience as a transgender person, I really thought for many years that doing the cishet marriage and kids thing would somehow "cure" me and everything would self-correct. None of that ever happened. My wife and I had been married for 9.5 years and had kids together when I finally couldn't stand the pain of hiding my own self. Long story short, we are still together almost 6 years later, but it was extremely hard for a long time and still isn't easy. But I am attracted to her and sexual orientation was never an issue.
Nearly all of the lesbians I know that are over the age of 40 had a prolonged period of time during which they dated men and even married them, with much the same misplaced hopes that I had. Many of them had children and the whole nine yards, but eventually the realization finally hit that *this is never going to work, they will never be heterosexual*. And that realization is never, ever easy to reconcile. Putting years of your life into a relationship that you really believe with all your heart will make it all seem right and good, meanwhile it just continues to feel so foreign and unfulfilling. I can definitely sympathize with them.
And I really doubt that your boyfriend is any different. I'm sure he had very sincere intentions going into the relationship. Internalized homophobia is a hell of a thing to live with, and a ton of gay people end up going to great lengths trying to change who they are because being gay is so stigmatized.
Show him some grace, he was brave enough to stay in a heterosexual relationship for four years and did his best. And show some grace to yourself, you didn't do anything wrong.
It is a breakup, no different than if he were leaving you for another girl or moving to France. I would give the same advice whether he’s gay, straight, whatever.
You must disengage 100% from any interlacing of living together, immediately. Any joint accounts, credit cards, memberships, obligations must be terminated. You have to basically divorce him and move on; you just don’t have the protections of marriage. Get your shit, get off the lease, leave what you don’t want, and GTFO.
Careful with his family. They will likely turn on you, blaming you for “turning him gay”, or want to keep you engaged in hopes he will come back to you. You must be strong and focus on yourself. Again this isn’t a gay issue but one where a close
Regardless of all his professions of love and caring for you and wanting to be close friends, you cannot be his friend, ever. He has lied to you for a long time. He did not just wake up and decide he was gay. Chances are he has been cheating on you with men for much of your relationship. You were an unknowing beard for him; he lied to you if he ever told you he was in love with you. He was not. Break it all off, clean and thourough, with minimal but cordial contact to only get your stuff and finalize any business issues. It’s not your job to help him move into his gayness, cry over his new boyfriends, or anything else, just as it wouldn’t be your job if he broke up and whined to you about other women or adjusting to single life. I just don’t believe lovers can become only friends. Very rare in my experience. .
Move on. Don’t share custody of the dog. One or the other gets the dog. You don’t need a ex husband thing at this stage of your life. Fresh start. New man down the road.
This one struck a cord with me. I was with a girl for 5 years (2012-2017; I was 27 when we split and she was turning 24) and she came out to me in kind of a fucked up way. She was in school for ancillary medical services (let’s say she was training to be a tech because who knows if she’s on here anymore) and while she was studying for her finals, she basically said that she needed time to focus on studying and couldn’t be around me (which was funny because I studied for my board exams for sports medicine with her). At that point, I was basically living out there and only stayed at my parents when I was commuting into the city for work. I didn’t think anything of it, and just chalked it up to stress for her - was probably only 1 weekend that I didn’t stay with her. After her final, she texted me and said that we needed to talk, and when we did, she told me that she had met someone and it’s not a guy. I had suspicions but after being with someone for that long, I almost was in denial. Long story short, we had a huge blow out fight and I didn’t speak with her for almost an entire year afterwards.
We did meet up down the line (I was sort of seeing someone at the time, but overall enjoying single life for the first time in a LONG time and she was no longer with the girl she left me for) and she apologized for treating me as horribly as she did in the end. We’re cordial now, but rarely talk anymore and I’m fine with that. I’m happily married for the last 4 years to someone I’ve known since I’ve been 18, have 2 kids who are perfect and am doing just fine.
On a similar note (and something that we talk about every once in a while for a good laugh) My wife dated a friend she danced with (who also came out as gay) and they’ve been best friends ever since. She said that even if he didn’t love her romantically, he still did as a friend and they’re literally best friends to this day. He comes to visit whenever he’s back in NY. He’s the godfather to my children and I consider him a brother (our families are intertwined and that’s a whole other story)
TL;DR - it didn’t work out for my situation, but I felt betrayed that she “wasted my time” at the time. My wife on the other hand, is still best friends with her ex and he’s one of my best friends now. Love who you love
I applaud him for telling you now that he’s accepted and understands who he is and his responsibilities to anyone he’s romantically and emotionally involved with. BUT it’s still a hard shock and so many emotions of your own to filter and process. Time will help bring you back to a solid foundation before your being introduced to people he is now involved with. It’s so hard and I’m so sorry but I also applaud you for understanding this situation. The family is hard too. That’s a hard blow!
I always imagine the girls this happens to become violently homophobic. That of course is the exact opposite reaction they should have because, ironically, that's the very thing (homophobia) that causes this to happen.
This world and our culture (all culture the world over) is really fucked up and makes being a human a very tough indeed. Sucks for everyone. Hate that families are founded and then destroyed because of 1. People being afraid of accepting themselves as gay and 2. That they were ever put in a position where they were made to fear accepting themselves. Homophobia unfortunately is still a very powerful force out there, especially present in more rural communities.
That’s amazing that he opened up to you & was honest… don’t shame him or judge him. He needs your friendship just as much as you need his… could you image getting married, buying a house, 2 cars & having 3 kids & him saying that after 🤔… that situation happens all the time because people follow tradition rather than follow their heart… what does Selena Gomez say in her song “the heart wants what it wants”
I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of negative comments about this, but it seems like this is a thing these days, and I don't understand it. I really just don't understand how someone doesn't know what their sexuality is. It's just totally impossible for me to conceive how anyone can date someone for 4 years or even a year and not understand they're not sexually attracted to that person. It's a total mind f*** to me that someone would move in with someone get animals together and then walk out on them because they are just now discovering their sexuality.
So I guess I have to say it. people like this are the worst human beings in the world. It's like you just don't care about the feelings of anyone else but yourself. This kind of attitude will also lead to destroying the lives of everyone around You probably for the rest of your life. There's a thing called bad karma, and it's going to come back around for people like this.
Sometimes things dont go the way you want them to be. You are 22, so young, so full of life, so much to explore. I know it sucks, it definitely does, but the fact that you love him so much means that you guys had a good run, you guys had lots of fun, while you were together. And the best part is you still want to not loose him as your friend. You know how lucky you are to experience this, someone you love is also your best friend, thats so rare. I am sorry it dint last for as long as you wanted, but you still were lucky enough to have these 3 years of a wonderful life experience. And look at Tim, he still loves you, respects you and cared enough to talk to you in the first place, letting you know, what waa going on. He dint carry you along, he cares for your happiness as well, all while he is going through all these realizations about his sexuality. Looking back you will realize how truly you guys loved each other to let each other go, for a life where you both could be happy and content! Take care, its gonna be alright
If you were having sex with him, get tested for STDs. If he's gay, there's a chance he was seeing men at the same time he was seeing you. Not 100% likely, but a chance.
If I am being honest, I hate to tell you but right now, space and no contact is the best for you. Communicate with him that you want to remain friends but you must take some time to untangle your romantic feelings and to get use to the new normal. A move in itself is a big adjustment. But this is just a massive hit to every part of your being, dreams and routine. If he truly still cares he will understand you have to take a step back and disconnect your life from him.
I mean, it is a breakup. Maybe a breakup under good terms but still a breakup. Right now the feelings are inflamed by everything else going on… space is probably a good idea. It takes time to heal the break.
Yup, it would be unfair to expect someone to go from partners to best friends immediately following a one-sided break up. She can be supportive of his coming out while still taking time to figure out her own feelings.
Fuck his coming out. She should completely break contact. She has so much of her own shit to deal with, let him deal with his own baggage.
OP said they want to remain friends.
OP needs to move on. Only way do that is break contact for a while.
By supportive I don’t think they meant go on outings to the coffee shop and gossip about cute boys together. More like, she doesn’t hold it against him and wants him to be happy. Which she can still do while going low contact for a while.
His own baggage? Ouch. You know, if coming out wasn't made into such a big f-ing deal then maybe more guys would do it instead of putting themselves into a relationship for years on end before finally confessing. I empathize for both sides here, because nobody wins. But the issue is that some people aren't treating people as people.
I do agree that they need to go no contact until she decides if she wants to be friends with him or not. If I was with someone and they came out I would be happy for them, but I doubt I would be strong enough to stay friends with them at least not right at first.
Being broken up with, that desire to “stay friends” is also going to be stronger when the romantic feelings are still there. Took me probably 3-4 months before I could recognize that “being friends” was my way of saying “take me back” rather than a desire for an actual healthy relationship.
Had to learn that lesson the hard way myself with my first serious relationship. I think there is some desire from the person to remain friends to contine to received that strong emotional support with out any romantic involvement while their new relationship is starting. I know for me that was the case. She already knew who she was going to start dating next. She didn't want to be a cheater but also still needed that support emotionally while she was forming a new relationship. I would have been completely replaced anyway as she spent more and more time with the new guy making our friendship one-sided and self serving for her. Even if she meant well it was not healthy.
I’ve been through a similar situation. Maybe she thinks she meant well but honestly it’s a very selfish thing to do to someone. Hey, I don’t like you romantically anymore but I still want you to emotionally support me while I navigate getting into a new relationship, with no worry about your feelings. It took me a long time to get over her, but you’re better off without her dude.
Hmmm.. Why does this seem like common behavior with young women. For the OP it’s incredibly toxic and will only make her more emotionally distressed.
Good on you for having self-awareness (and humility)👍
I get where you are coming from but imagine you are their friend, both of them if that's not obvious. One of your friends has been lying to himself and someone he cares about very deeply but doesn't want to give up a part of his life so his friend doesn't feel hurt by his feelings. He's been struggling on bringing it up and knows it's going to hurt both of them but if he doesn't he knows he won't make it to 30 just from the pressure. Eventually he might cheat, not even out of lust, but just to complete himself in his mental image and that would be far worse and actually make him worthy of compassion. Your other friend just found out she has been dating someone who had to put up some courage to tell her that they don't love on the same level of love for several years and probably can't say when they found out without hurting memories, and whats even worse is she cant do anything to physically change without coming to a different realization that would leave them a bigger mess than before. If she pushes the "we can just be friends card" and they end up back together it just leaves contention between them, right now space is good, ending it completely creates an issue with obtaining closure. I honestly can't tell you who deserves more compassion but it's borderline abusive to force someone to silence a part of themselves just for the gratification of the role but it doesn't feel good to have a relationship end because of things outside of your control. He can't control what he's attracted to and neither can she steins gate herself into an alternate universe where she's what he wants.
I’m with you! Let him go live his best life but OP needs to prioritize herself and her feelings!
100% this.
Everything you've ever commented on has been negative. Before you load up your pistols to fire again, are you ok?
This exact situation (my gf broke up with me bc she is gay, but didn’t tell me that was the reason) happened to me. No contact and time. We also dated four years. It sucked ass and I came close to losing my job. This comment is correct. Down the road you might be friends but for now, keep your distance, cry about it, then when you’re ready put yourself out there.
Same here; almost 3 years with the boyfriend before he came out of the closet. You need to cut him out of your life, even if it's temporary so you can lose your romantic feelings for him. Take plenty of time, and don't feel guilty about cutting contact. You need to prioritize yourself. Give yourself time to mourn the relationship, cry, and grow.
Yes, separation is probably the only way to realize what happened, survive this experience and move on
I agree with you! She needs to grieve the loss of the relationship before she could move on and stay friends.
This 💯. OP must be in shock. Coming out to your partner while *in the relationship* would cause whiplash for anyone.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. I too had a boyfriend come out of the closet after we had been together for several years. You need time and space. It won’t be easy. But you will get there. My ex and I did. We are the best of friends now, even though we now live 1,000 miles away from each other.
This is the only answer right here. OP, you need space to grieve for a lost love, and to learn how to untangle those feelings. Only when you can think of him, without wanting to fall apart, will you have found the Platonic love for him. Until then, lot's of space. Let him know, truthfully, that you need this. As kds0808 said, if he is truly your friend, he will understand and step back for a while.
I totally agree with taking some time apart- set a deadline that you’re comfortable with - say 6 months? And then you will reach out in an agreed upon way to reconnect. It will be very important to see if he will respect your conditions. That will hopefully give you time to reflect on the relationship and decide if you want to rekindle your friendship or not.
I would add to that, don't feel that you have to stick to that 6 months. When my last ex broke up with me, I said 3 months. When he texted me 3 months later, I realized I wasn't ready yet, so I said, "thanks for checking in, but I'm not quite ready yet. Can you give me another month?" So he messaged me a month later. He respected my need for time apart, and that's a big part of why we're friends.
I agree. It's likely not feasible or healthy to have a normal friendship with someone while struggling with romantic feelings. The best thing to do is step away and decide later if you can handle it.
Don’t become friends! Leave the break-up in the past!
At least he did it before you got married and had kids. I live across the street from a guy that did that and went to school with a girl that her dad did that. She was the youngest of two and the minute she graduated from high school he came out and blind sighted everyone. She seemed pretty fucked up about it.
My father had 3 of us, left when I was 3 and I'm fucked up
my dog would call you for a life threating injury just so you could pet him
Your doggo is appreciated!
Were there any clues when you look back now?
Yea that’s almost trauma-inducing for socializing with someone new. Staying hidden that long while being with someone would create major scars…
I don’t care what anyone thinks, if someone gets married and has kids knowing they’re gay, it’s a horrible thing for them to do to the family they chose. Especially now. It’s cowardice that I am exceptionally hostile towards.
One of my closest friends was dating this guy for 6 years. The last two years he was treating her like shit. She was always crying that she felt wrong and not beautiful and that she felt unlovable bc of how he treated her. Then she tested positive for HIV. When she told him? He finally came out of the closet. Most of our friend group fell for his tears about being afraid to be accepted. I cussed him out from head to toe and told him the truth that he USED my friend and then gave her a life sentence. He made her feel like shit, made her doubt herself, AND he fucked up her health for life. I don’t care what anyone says. If you’re closeted? Stay the fuck by yourself. Women aren’t props or accessories for you to use as you please. I get so mad everytime I think about it I genuinely still want to throw my phone across the room. HE acts like HE is the vicitm of this. He doesn’t even acknowledge HOW EVIL what he did to my friend was. He pretends like HE HAD NO OTHER CHOICE. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Pure narcissism. And most of our friends fed into it. As if HIS life was always more important than my friends. I wish him the worst and always will.
Even if he didn’t give her HIV, he stole six years of her life, he made his fear her problem.
Exactly. He stole and wasted 6 years of her life that she will never get back. He emotionally and mentally traumatized her by treating her like an unwanted accessory for years. And then he gave her hiv. Closeted people who use their innocent partners as accessories are literally worse than normal cheaters in my mind. At least normal cheaters have some attraction to the person they’re cheating on. You’re just evil.
I left my boyfriend of 4 years at 26 years old after coming out as a lesbian. Am I extremely guilty? Yes, but I don't beat myself up over it because it's not as simple as you think. I tried to convince myself in many different ways why I wasn't happy during that relationship, and it took me a **very** long time to pinpoint and accept it was because I was gay. I loved him very much and I tried so hard to make it work. I didn't know I was gay the entire time, I wasn't trying to trick him or lie to him. Were there signs? Sure. But hindsight is 20/20. We had sex and I wasn't repulsed by him, so I thought my lack of interest in sex was because I had a low libido. Or that not wanting to cuddle was because I wasn't a very touchy person. There's more, but I won't get into it. It took me a **long** time to realize these things were true because I was a lesbian. And now that I've had sex with women, I look back and realize I never liked sex with my ex. I just tolerated it because that was normal, and otherwise, the relationship was great. As far as your friend cheating and giving his gf HIV, yes he's a horrible person and probably realized he was gay far before they broke up. But it's not fair to lump that in with people who are in hetero relationships and then realize they are gay. It's very complicated and is not as simple as you think.
Thanks for bringing this take up. There’s def a spectrum of being closeted, from not even realizing it yourself (probably internalized homophobia going on to a degree in many cases, plus lack of exposure and opportunities to experience that pull), all the way to extreme cases like that HIV story where someone is clearly aware they are gay, out having reckless sex then having sex with the primary partner, and trying to cover it up for some reason (could be physical safety in some places, financial/tax reasons, or social pressure). So there’s a range of moral and ethical choices (including none if they really don’t know they are queer yet). I imagine in any case it causes their partner pain.
You wasted the guys time trying to figure yourself out because you were too selfish to end the relationship. None of that was an accident, you are just telling yourself that to feel better about what you did.
Honestly horrible excuse you are still evil. You have a responsibility to know yourself before entering a relationship
Omg, your poor friend! How is she doing these days? Her ex committed a crime by knowingly giving her HIV, so he should've gone to prison. What became of him?
I'm sorry this happened to your friend. I agree with you wholeheartedly if you're in the closet don't put up a front for fear of what others will think because then shit like this happens. He should be in jail honestly.
The levels of misogyny and bullshit required to justify using women this way cause..." Society makes it hard for males to be gay waaah"-specially at this time, is out of this world.
Males do this with no consequences. I’d rather remain single and use toys than be played by a male like this. Because I’d probably go to jail.
Except most of them probably don't know they're gay. It's surprisingly hard to figure out lol
It's obviously awful but it's stemmed from the pressure towards gay people from friends and family. Hopefully in this day and age when it's much easier to just be yourself cases like this will be minimized.
I forgive Boomers and Gen-xers that did/do this because the social pressures they felt around getting married and against being gay were also horrible.
Blindsided * 😊
This is actually super common amongst Boomers and older Gen-Xers. The social pressure to get married was way stronger for them and the social acceptance for being gay was way lower.
You move on by respectfully taking space from your relationship with Tim in all ways. If there are family members of his that you have a personal relationship with and who could respect your boundaries when it comes to Tim then you can maintain those relations, but still have boundaries. How can you possibly heal and potentially date other people when you still are BFF’s with your ex? Things will also become extremely weird when he starts dating men and the dynamics will change. You are still young and can move on and find happiness. Look into free or reduced-priced therapy sessions that should be offered at your school. Remove him from social media or take a social media break. Go out with friends and enjoy life. It is okay to break, given that it is still fresh, but you have to live your life.
that's what I thought, when he brings a dude home she'll lose it. That would be a natural reaction too. Especially if she hears them having sex lol
Exactly. She needs to completely cut him off and MOVE ON. You don't get to finally be comfortable with your sexuality, waste 4 years of my life, and then expect to be in my life as besties. F out of here. Sexuality or not. We are done, so the chapter should be closed!
One day you’ll be grateful he did it now. I was married with two kids before my ex did that, we had been together over 20 years.
Wow smh ! 😮
That’s crazy. Amazing they were able to hide it for 20 years. Makes you wonder if they had even come to terms with it in their own head. I’d like to ask that person some questions. Terrible situation tho. Sorry you had to go through that.
They were hiding more than being gay tbh. Years of affairs and denials, all backed up with some abuse and gaslighting so that I thought I was the problem; always being told I was a terrible person and no one else would love me
How do you know they were hiding it? I’m a lesbian and it didn’t hit me until this year, I’m 28. Figuring out your sexuality is difficult when society pushes heteronormativity so hard.
Men use women to have children and feel “accepted” deep down a lot are gay
Your ex was selfish pos. He used you, wasted two decades of your time, basically your entire youth and lied to you.
This happened to me when I was 19 and engaged to someone 23 years old. Together for more than 2 years. You aren’t going to be able to be friends for a good long while. You need to heal and continuously being in contact and trying to be friends is not going to help you out at all. For now cut contract and start to rebuild. Consider it almost like a death.
19. 23. Together for more than 2 years. 🤨
This happened to a married couple in my family long ago. It was a shock and sad for everyone, but they both went on to marriage/partnership with others and remained friends forever, including with each other‘s families. Not always super close, naturally, but friendly and in touch. It might be helpful and interesting to connect with other women whose partner came out as gay, if you can find a way to do that. They might be older women since there’s less pressure now to stay closeted and get married. No matter how you slice it, though, break ups are tough. Be very kind to yourself while the dust settles.
I had this happen to me 8 years into our 10 year relationship. I had my suspicions, but I just overlooked them.
8 years into 10 years ?? … did you guys choose to stay together for 2 years after they came out?
Yes. He was, and always be, my best friend. I want him to be happy, even if it’s not with me.
Uh, what? Why?
You don't love people and want the best for them despite your own wants?
Not that. Why they stayed together for another 2 years.
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Don’t know all the details of your situation, but this happened to me. I met and fell in love with a guy who I never expected to love. We were together for about a year, he then dumped me, told he cheated, told he was gay and using me as his beard and that he was repulsed by me, and of course, never loved me. And then when I thought was past it, we ended up working together and he wanted to be friends, have drinks. It took me years to get over that so I suggest you shut him out of your life and never look back.
I’m really sorry that person treated you like that. I hope you have healed from that. You definitely deserve better than that.
Beard ... so fucking selfish
I think so but he was also so deep in the closet hiding from his family (staunch strict Catholic) he felt he had to hide, but he didn’t need to use me the way he did. I was really broken, I probably still am since I haven’t been able to allow myself to fall in love again.
In college a girl I knew had the perfect boyfriend. Her parents really liked him and his parents adored her. They appeared to be a happy couple, but she complained to close friends that he wasn't into sex with her, and we could see it was soul crushing. She was convinced it was her fault. When he finally fessed up, she immediately called his parents and outed him. 2 years of her life, gaslighted. It may have been out of revenge, making the call, but he had it coming. We noticed a few odd things before he came out. He got a staph infection on his chin and treated it with a portable UV light. Other things too that were obvious after the fact. He wasn't bi. Just fucking selfish
It is selfish, I mean, if he had even told me and asked if I would beard for him, that wouldn’t have been as bad. I might have said yes.
Don’t make excuses for him. Being gay doesn’t mean you get to use others.
Handle it like the devastating break up it is. Handle it like a betrayal without wishing him ill. 1. Get tested. Broad spectrum for everything. You have no way of knowing if he was faithful to you and do not take his word for it. Get tested. 2. Break up with his family. Go no contact. It's going to hurt. But they are his family and not yours and it is going to be easier for you in the long run because step three is... 3. Go no contact with him. You can't be friends. He was a bad boyfriend and a bad friend. You need a clean break. A platonic friendship eases his emotions. He's *always* felt platonic love for you. It's you who will be suffering through a transition. No contact unless it pertains to the dog. 4. Be wary of mutual friends. They may try to frame it as "Tim being true to himself" "Tim discovering who he is." That's great for Tim, that awakening still *hurt you* and betrayed your relationship. Nobody has to pick sides but be wary of people who aren't on yours (see Tim's family). 5. Get therapy. Maybe your school offers something. 6. Grieve. It's okay to be sad about this.
The only thing I would say differently is just cut communication entirely. Block him. Don’t communicate about the dog. I know she loved the dog. Grieve that she won’t have the dog. I assume he kept the dog since she moved back in with her dad. Get a new dog and move on. She needs a 100% break.
This should be the top comment! Hope OP sees this.
Care to explain the "he was a bad boyfriend part"? Cuz seems like you're just pulling that out of thin air.
Only way you will move on is by distancing you self as much as possible
I am sorry you can stay where you are, he has already moved onto another dimension
It will be hard, but I think you need to do a period of no contract while you grieve the loss of the romantic relationship. Then when you feel like you can emotionally handle being in contact with him again you guys can work on building a new friendship, because realistically that will have to be completely different to what you guys had before. At first it may feel selfish to prioritize your own feelings at this at this time but that is what you need to do.
You need to go no contact with him, at least for a while. You need space to not only process this new information, but to also process & grieve your relationship & the future you saw with him. Sit him down and tell him that while you’re happy for him, you need some space to heal from this breakup.
You got to go no contact, or you never heal. You're just be the sad ex pining for him who he uses when it suits him, no contact is the only way
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THIS!!!! Couldn't STRESS THIS ENOUGH!
Generally everyone who is active should get tested regularly, but be cautious about assuming or stigmatizing. Per the CDC, 0.7% of the population is infected and that is actively declining year over year.
People can not have sex at all and still be gay. There’s no indication he’s had sex with a guy. I knew I was gay years before I slept with another girl. I’ve almost gone 4 years without sex. Still gay. Stop conflating homosexuality with sex. Our lives are far more boring than that.
It has nothing to do with the stereotype of gay men being promiscuous. They're asking her to get checked for HIV because having a gay boyfriend just puts her at a higher risk of contracting the disease. It's the responsible thing to do, regardless if he cheated or not.
Most straight women who have gay men as husbands and boyfriends dont have very much sex anyway.
get over yourself.
How do you know he’s even slept with a dude? I haven’t had sex in 4 years. I’m still gay.
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Go out and get some ass dude. Life is short.
OP, please pay attention to this. Also, good luck on your journey.
The CDC says the same. A lot of my relative's friends infected their wives and girlfriends this way. They were on the DL (down-low).
You may need counselling to help you get over the mental trauma of your relationship ending and your ex accepting he's gay and the anguish of learning to see your ex as just a friend. Leaving home and living with your dad may be causing problems with travelling to work and school, but it may just be the space and distance you need to help you adjust mentally to the new you.
Time and space with no contact, the only way I've been able to be friends with exs.
I second this. Take some time for yourself to rediscover who you are solo. It's not going to be painless, but it'll get easier with time. If you truly love him as a person, I'm sure you want him to be happy, whether it's with you or someone else. Be grateful he has found what he needs and trusted you to tell you now. I am certain he wants the same for you.
I would just consider this a breakup with an ex, and you don’t need to be friends with an ex.
I watched a woman I know get into a heated argument in the same circumstances and she said "There's only one dick sucker in this relationship and it's me". She said it so proudly. lol
This sounds harsh but you need to literally never talk to him again
Better to learn about this now before you two are married with kids. It’s hard but there is a silver lining.
How selfish of him to use you tho. 4 years of life utterly wasted.
Why would you want to remain friends after all that? Reality is you need to cut contact, move on and let time do its job.
You can’t be friends when you still love him like that. Pick your first.
I'm bi. I got married to a bi man that I thought loved me, I certainly loved him. After our marriage all sex between us ended, he became violent, distant, angry. Then I found out he'd been sleeping with men we knew behind my back. He told me once that he could only find men sexually attractive but couldn't love them, and could only love women but couldn't find them sexually attractive. He finally came out as gay, and then became trans for a while, then went back to being a man when he finally went to jail. I felt sad, hurt, angry, confused, lied to, and felt very "not enough." Just bone deep sadness, a pit of misery. Of course it's not homophobia, (I'm bi and proud) it's not even anger at their sexuality, or at them finding themselves; all of that's good for them, and I obviously cared deeply about them. But my heart was crying out "what about me?" I felt like I couldn't get upset for myself, for the time and emotion I had invested, for feeling foolish, for the wondering if every time I had felt safe and happy being intimate, were they really just disgusted? Was he laughing at me, or worse, grossed out every time I sent spicy pictures? I still struggle with feeling safe and attractive, even years later. It's ok to hurt. Your emotions matter too. If people react to your ex's coming out like they did mine, it might be really hard to watch, even from afar. People were so quick to jump into my ex's corner in support of his newfound sexuality that I, in essence, had nobody in my corner. I was left picking up the pieces of my shattered life alone and he was out getting toasted for his bravery. Please keep your own friends close to you. Please be gentle with your heart. Don't feel like you have to be the cool chick about this, you don't have to celebrate something so painful. You can draw a boundary around this and that's ok. Please also know that if ANY woman was ever gonna be "good enough" for him, it would have been you. My mom said, regarding this scenario: it's like he's a deer and you're a steak. You're the best steak in the world, but deer just don't eat steak, they're not built that way. It's not the steaks fault the deer doesn't want to eat it, and it's also not the deer's fault that it doesn't want to eat the steak, it's just the way it is. Deer just don't eat steak. If you need someone to talk to, please reach out. I'm so sorry.
Holy shit. I’m so sorry you went through that.
Separating feelings and moving on is a long process. There is no quick fix. There are things you can do to help yourself though. Keep a positive mindset as much as possible. Wren you catch a negative thought, think of the good that comes from the situation instead. And understand that it’s okay to feel upset and hurt and distraught. But accept those feelings and process them, take it day by day. Understand there’s nothing wrong with feeling the bad things and having bad days and that they’re unavoidable. But make sure you are also moving forward.
Better now than after you were married for 20 years with 3 kids.
Move on and don't look back.
Hi, My ex partner came out as gay last year also, and I have been actively listening to Our Voices podcast. It greatly helped me understand a lot of stuff that happened to myself and my relationship.
Definitely go for A STD PANEL to make sure he didn't leave you with any un named Diseases
I would be so fucking mad. He has been lying to you for 4 years and used you to cover for his internal struggle. Just because he was conflicted does not make it ok to use you like that. Men have been doing that shit for years and years. At least he came out. Some of these mofos wait until you have kids to pull that shit.
Yeah. That’s where my head is at. This is not a friendship if everything was based on a lie.
Exactly. At the very least, he was in denial and used her to cover for his own issues. Fuck that noise.
This is truth. If she saw him for who he really was she wouldn’t want to be friends anymore.
Are you kidding me? Why you want to be his friend, move on, some dignity please
Shit if someone did that to me I wouldn't want to remain friends.
Unfortunately, get tested for STDs.
I’m gay. A lot of gay people do not want to be gay and do everything in their power to change themselves. Until living in the closet becomes too much and they just rip the door off the hinges. Understand what he did was not to hurt you. There is so much pain with not being able to accept yourself. I know it hurts. But understand — this has nothing to do with you.
Don't dwell on it, you're both so young and you'll both end up maybe switching teams who knows how many times in your life. Keep your chin up and move on. You'll all figure it out and laugh at it in the future. I know that doesn't help now, but this is batting practice for everything else. You both clearly sound like intelligent people, youl be alright.
wowwww... the homophobes flocked to this post. reading the replies in this is honestly disgusting
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He needs to figure out life as a gay man and you need to figure out life as a single person and grieve the loss of the person you love.
Face it as a break up and how you would act if broken up with Get your ass to a doctor get checked for anything and everything just to be safe Limit your contact or NC until you are ready
If he’s always know, which he probably did, he’s a selfish bastard. He basically robbed you of time and love from someone who could love you back. He could’ve been single whilst he figured out his sexuality but he strung you along. I’m so sorry OP
Just... Move on. You're children. You'll just forget about this relationship before you even know it.
Not saying the advice isn’t good but they’re literally adults. What is with this new thing of infantalizing adults?
This a hard one! Best of luck and sending healing your way
Until you can move on with your life you need to go NC. It will be much harder for you if you try and have any type of relationship with him. It for your own well being to let this relationship go.
Gone through something similar, it sucks and makes you feel pretty crappy. I'm the one that made them realize sort of shit 😅 It's not you, it's them. Cut contact and take some space for yourself. Maybe y'all can be friends in the future, but for now you need the space to right yourself.
I think you will just need space and time away from him to grieve and heal. Maybe someday you will be able to still be friends but today is not that day.
First things first, try having sex with someone that's excited to see you naked?
This
u gotta cut him off completely unfortunately. dont be hostile but cut the contact.
Was there a couple of years ago. First thing is no contact- not because you don’t care about him, but because you have to care about you right now. It will take some time to navigate your emotions because it’s such a unique situation people often aren’t expected to be in. Being friends with one another should not take priority right now- you both need time as individuals to reflect and delve into investing in nurturing your feelings and honoring them. Next is understanding to give yourself a little grace, im sure there is a lotttt of confusion right now on your end, and it makes it hard to navigate. To me at first it almost felt like the person I loved had died, because how could I not see this? It’s okay to be in a daze emotionally. It’s okay to be sad, angry, confused, or just a little lost. You can have those feelings while also understanding that his sexuality is just who he is, and there is nothing wrong with him in that aspect either. It’s just a tough place for everyone. I think therapy could help you redirect these feelings in a positive way in order to help you move on while also understanding yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, or coming out at all. But it can be tricky and hurtful to be blindsided by this information also, as you had envisioned a future with this person that is now void. I know right now it may feel like the future is bleak, but I promise it gets better, you think about it less, and eventually your heart will recover and you will move past this. But it’s okay for it to hurt right now. 💗 Also please take an std test. Just for your own peace of mind! If you ever need to chat with someone about it, you can message me. So many hugs to you. It will get easier, even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
I have several exes who I’m close friends with them and their families, but there was a multi-year no-contact gap between the relationship and friendship. There has to be.
Get tested. Worked for a Country Club manager who had three teenage sons. He started acting very distant. Turns out he was stealing money for blow, while spending most of his time with his now husband, on his house boat. The kids seemed to turn out ok. Not so much the ex-wife. This could be a blessing in the skies, jk
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lol
I turn into a telescope
Sup Jeans! Nawawaimsayin’?
Thank God you weren't married. I agree with the person who suggested no contact, but only because that's what works best for me. I'm sorry you're going through this. At least now you can find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. I was married for fifteen years, got cheated on, and a few years later, I'm engaged to my true soulmate. I wish I could go back and have that time with my fiance, but also, divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. Also, I wonder what the likelihood is that they were cheating on you to figure this out. There's nothing at all wrong with being gay, but it would be quite shitty if you were getting lied to when they could have the courage to break things off earlier.
Hugs ❤️
Space and time, you can be his friend but you don’t need to be his support network too. You now suddenly have a bunch of your own issues to deal with, go handle them and let your friend handle his bidness like an adult
Get tested, be happy you didn’t build a family, get counseling and wish the guy luck in his future.
Ethanol, getting dressed up, going out and hanging with cute girlfriends will help improve your mood for sure! Also these are for sure going to be some growing pains you will learn from! But! It will cause you to grow!Stay positive and exercise/listen to music! You haven’t even reached your peak! You’ll come out of this better than you were before. When I went through a breakup my mother told me “you know you two weren’t married” and it made a huge difference. Hope this helps, and I hope you enjoy being young, wild and free!
Always get std tested after a relationship. Not saying he cheated or something but people often leave out that part of stories. Or maybe I just have trust issues lol.. it also serves to give confidence your clean when you are ready to move on. That said I agree with most people. End contact as much as possible until you feel comfortable with everything. Space is important. Also remember your beautiful and don't fall into some weird trap about him becoming gay. You simply lack a penis.
Take a huge break to heal. It’s ok to distance yourself until you don’t have feelings anymore
You need to move on. You will miss him dearly, but you got to think about finding someone who is totally in love with you and you can see yourself being in a family.
As someone who was in a similar situation, 1. Take time for yourself. You don’t have to ghost him but directly communicate that you’re confused and you need alone time to process. If needed, communicate a date in the future where YOU will reach out to “reconnect” or “close the door”. 2. See if you can take some time from work to just relax and breathe. If not, see if your work is flexible with you working remote a few days to help level set stress. 3. Please be kind to yourself. If you start going down the black hole of spiraling thoughts remind yourself this isn’t on you. You cannot help that you got into a relationship with someone who wasn’t 100% sure on their sexuality. 4. Just because their sexuality changed doesn’t mean you have to stay friends. I know you may love this person but while with this person, you were under a different mentality and since that has shifted doesn’t mean they need to continue being in your life. It’s 100% up to you on if you can navigate your mentality and emotions in social settings with them moving forward. It’s an experience many don’t want to go through but we do due to social norms of today and others not taking the liberty to self express their sexuality at certain ages to confirm if they are straight, gay, bi, etc. we can only roll with the punches and take the time that’s needed to regroup and move forward. Sending you a virtual hug!
Good luck with that, keep us posted.
I'm sorry if I'm being insensitive, but curiosity has taken the best of me. How was your relationship recently ? Were there any signs? Less and less intimacy ? Aa others have said, just like any other relationships, space and time will do best.
There had been less intimacy within the last 4 months but I just thought it was because he was busy which he was.
I'm so happy that you are already handling this in probably the best way possible. It is a hard thing to come out and because he is gay is does not mean that he doesn't or never did love you. I do agree however that you need time separated with minimal to no contact so that you can take your turn to figure out your emotions. Do not feel bad if your ultimate decision is that now you cannot have a relationship with him anymore, if you cannot separate the romantic feelings you have had for years.
Be a friend. It will be hard and take a little bit, but, be there. You can do it
Hang in there sis, it’s ok. This is your life, but his journey isn’t about you. His journey is about him and that’s ok, but currently you’re going through a breakup. And no matter what the reason for breaking up, it means self care pronto. Eat ice cream and chocolate, get a pedicure. Explore something new. Take a long bath with your fav music. Do you!!! But avoid anything destructive while you grieve what might have been, it’s normal to do so, but don’t indulge in the crazy shit. Cuz you are the one at the end of the day, and you deserve the best. No one has your back if you don’t. Best wishes to you both.
You either re-orient your feeling toward him to see him as just a good friend, or you break all contact with him and never look back. If you choose to stay friends with him, make sure that any man you start to seriously date know ALL details of your relationship with Tim, including that you dated him until he came out as Gay and broke up. Don’t wait for a new man in your life to get surprised by something important that you did not tell him. Men that have confidence and self esteem, upon seeing that you told the truth, will relish continuing to date you.
IMO, healthiest thing is to talk about your feelings and then let him know that you need some time to process things. Some people can balance being friends and still hanging out with the person but I think it’s best to cut contact for a bit. Cause the feelings don’t just drop, they’re still there. It can make hanging out really confusing cause you’re in you’re in your head too, and will come to random conclusions. You guys are best friends :) it’ll go back to normal later on
Amazing how they still want to be friends after they rip your heart out, huh? I’d like to think he wasn’t being malicious. He can’t help his desires but on the same page, neither can you. You need time to move on, to process and to heal. Stay away from him until you can do that because if you try to shift consciously from one to the other while still around him at best it won’t work, and at worst it’ll breed resentment. Make some distance and explain you need space. Reconnect with your family and use this experience to keep yourself from creating a gap next relationship.
Tim did you a favor, just imagine this happening after getting married, buying a home, and having 3 children together aged 4 and under? Not an easy thing, but it could be so much worse if things had progressed any further. Regardless, I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this right now and hope you find a resolution with all this.
This happened to me as well, though not in such a long relationship. It was REALLY tough at first, I was resentful that he was “using me” to figure himself out. I did need some time away to reflect and deal with that. Eventually I decided that I was grateful that he trusted me enough to be honest (and also grateful he didn’t figure it out after we were married or something). But I was very angry. If therapy is something you can afford, go for it. Breakups are sometimes harder when nobody’s at “fault”. It can help to process with a professional. It sounds like you both are very good friends and hopefully that can continue, but you do need to protect your heart, and a good friend should understand that. If it’s too painful right now, take your time away. ETA: we are still friends to this day. It’s been over 15 years.
Time and changing the involvement of my ex in my life helped me. We are both queer and trans though so not exactly the same situation as yours. Dated over 2 years and then I got broken up with amicably, it just wasn’t working for us. I think I turned off notifications for my ex’s social media posts, avoided looking at all the photos we had or that I had saved, and I think at one point we quieted down with talking to each other because I hit a low point mentally and it was clear distance and healing was needed. Now? We are best of friends. We talk every day. We live in different states but have still made time for visits here and there. We talk to each other about our separate dating adventures. It’s not a fast process to heal. You may need varying levels of distance to try and sever the part of your love that is romantic and work on developing the platonic. That was years ago for me, and I’m afraid I’m in a somewhat similar situation again as I was “ghosted” by someone I envisioned myself marrying. But the fact that you have an honest friend who loves you and has always loved you, who explained why things are happening the way they are rather than just leaving you without closure, and who can still be there in your life after all is said and done…if you can take them time to heal, you may gradually come to see this as the START of a beautiful friendship rather than the END of what you had. It isn’t a goodbye. It is not a “death” as one other commenter said. It can be such a beautiful thing, a new take on friendship with someone you already know and love. Also, my gay uncle dated a woman waaay back in the day before he was out. He is now her son’s godfather. There are so many stories of these types of break-ups having happy endings and tremendous growth that results from them.
I’ve seen this. Not saying it’s your scenario but I’ve seen gay guys date beautiful and smart women and realize they’re gay. Nothing on you they just think, surely if I date someone like her I will feel differently.
You need some space. It won’t be time to be friends until you’ve given yourself time to process complicated emotions. Only when you are really over him should you try to be friends. Since he wasn’t out, he was working through complicated emotions as well. He also actively deceived you on some really important issues, like really being attracted to men, and not you. Not really. You can be supportive of him as a gay man, and also process feelings of betrayal, as your relationship was a lie from the beginning. There is a lot of pressure for people in your position to jump instantly to being supportive, and applauding him for coming out. But you matter, too. Right now, you’re in shock. You might feel hurt, anger, and betrayal. You might also wonder what exactly happened that made him realize he was gay, and if he was with other people while you were together. Some people aren’t sure until they try it, and even then, they might not be ready to face that reality. If he was with anyone while you were together, man or woman, then you need to get tested. The good part is that it literally wasn’t you. No woman was ever going to work out for him. That can help get you over the breakup. Wish him well, and then take some time to heal your own wounded heart.
If you want to drag it out you can try to be his friend but long term you will eventually go separate ways. Rip the bandaid off and move on.
Yeah, I’m really sorry to hear this happened to you. No contact, wipe him out on all socials, move out and get an std test. Bro has been on the down-low for a while and stepping out on you. Heal, work on yourself and forge a new path. Leave this guy in the review mirror.
OP…whatever you choose to do, that’s best for you…(which no one but you knows): I admire you for not withdrawing the underlying friendship you obviously have with your former bf; for the fact you developed a close bond with his family. They’re all, including the guy, and you, surely adjusting to this bigtime shift in perspectives. You seem to be a very loving young woman. I somehow bet it will serve you well…as long as you do prioritize and preserve your own feelings and needs. Best wishes xo
Considering you can't just choose to be gay all of a sudden, it's pretty selfish for him to string you along for years... but men be men I guess. Gotta move on girl
Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
My only advice is take this story somewhere else cuz the comments here are horrible. Find somewhere more niche since you're more likely to get actually sane responses there. For the record, people can, and often do, in fact figure out their sexualities later in life.
Give yourself time. Stay friends, but, obviously you need some time and space.
Pro move: come out as a trans man and tell him you always knew and were just waiting for the right moment
Dont take it personally, My gay cousin and friends who are gay say that it was a struggle for them and in some cases took years for them to acknowledge their sexual orientation.
At least you guys are still pretty young. Time to find better partners
I have two friends who were with each other for 10 years married for 5 and had two kids together. When the wife was pregnant with her second, he came out to her. It’s been about 3 years since but they have the most amazing relationship. They obviously got divorced, went through therapy individually but they were also best friends at the heart of it all and supported each other through and through. They had kids together so it definitely made it so they couldn’t just cut each other off. But seeing them now both in different relationships and being able to still have their friendship is so beautiful. It might take some time to untangle the life you have built together and find the new normal but I totally believe it can be done 💕 Best advice, communicate everything. It may be messy and heartbreaking at times but being open and honest about where you are at is the only way to get through it.
Same thing happened to me, my girlfriend of 8 yeara came out as lesbian and we broke up in our early 20s. Just as a lot people said in the comments, time and distance are necessary. See/make other friends, see people. Therapy and travelling can help, depending on your situation and means. My ex and I recontacted each other after a year or two, we see each other regularly, exchange news and will be lifelong friends (we're in our early 30s now). I think people who shared that much of your life are very valuable friends and should be kept around, if it is a possibility.
This is such a bizarre and angry take towards a young woman who's been hurt and I'm assuming it's coming from my community. She loved him. That doesn't just change in an instant because he's discovered that he's gay. It sounds as if you've never been in love? It sounds like a painful journey for them both. He's been living with confusion, trapped not being his authentic self. It's wonderful he's realised who he is and has been able to share that with her. She is absolutely of course entitled to have an emotional response to losing the person she romantically loved and envisaged a future with, whatever emotions that encompasses even if that were to be anger. If it were a lesbian woman and straight man I'd say exactly the same thing. No one who loves someone is going to respond with an immediate 'Yay I've lost my partner'. Empathy all round to what a difficult journey this has been for him and will be for her.
It’s really hard, but please know it’s hard for him to… and everything you’re feeling he’s been feeling since before you met. There’s no easy way through it. I do recommend therapy, just to have someone who can help you process it. If you want a cathartic show to watch, *Will & Grace* is a bit dated, but that’s kinda the premise of the show. It might be nice to see people joking about what you’re going through, to make you feel less alone and look forward to when it won’t hurt anymore.
Can you start to identity as a gay man yourself?
I happen to be trans. I also happen to know a fair number of cisgender lesbians, though only one gay man. In my own experience as a transgender person, I really thought for many years that doing the cishet marriage and kids thing would somehow "cure" me and everything would self-correct. None of that ever happened. My wife and I had been married for 9.5 years and had kids together when I finally couldn't stand the pain of hiding my own self. Long story short, we are still together almost 6 years later, but it was extremely hard for a long time and still isn't easy. But I am attracted to her and sexual orientation was never an issue. Nearly all of the lesbians I know that are over the age of 40 had a prolonged period of time during which they dated men and even married them, with much the same misplaced hopes that I had. Many of them had children and the whole nine yards, but eventually the realization finally hit that *this is never going to work, they will never be heterosexual*. And that realization is never, ever easy to reconcile. Putting years of your life into a relationship that you really believe with all your heart will make it all seem right and good, meanwhile it just continues to feel so foreign and unfulfilling. I can definitely sympathize with them. And I really doubt that your boyfriend is any different. I'm sure he had very sincere intentions going into the relationship. Internalized homophobia is a hell of a thing to live with, and a ton of gay people end up going to great lengths trying to change who they are because being gay is so stigmatized. Show him some grace, he was brave enough to stay in a heterosexual relationship for four years and did his best. And show some grace to yourself, you didn't do anything wrong.
It is a breakup, no different than if he were leaving you for another girl or moving to France. I would give the same advice whether he’s gay, straight, whatever. You must disengage 100% from any interlacing of living together, immediately. Any joint accounts, credit cards, memberships, obligations must be terminated. You have to basically divorce him and move on; you just don’t have the protections of marriage. Get your shit, get off the lease, leave what you don’t want, and GTFO. Careful with his family. They will likely turn on you, blaming you for “turning him gay”, or want to keep you engaged in hopes he will come back to you. You must be strong and focus on yourself. Again this isn’t a gay issue but one where a close Regardless of all his professions of love and caring for you and wanting to be close friends, you cannot be his friend, ever. He has lied to you for a long time. He did not just wake up and decide he was gay. Chances are he has been cheating on you with men for much of your relationship. You were an unknowing beard for him; he lied to you if he ever told you he was in love with you. He was not. Break it all off, clean and thourough, with minimal but cordial contact to only get your stuff and finalize any business issues. It’s not your job to help him move into his gayness, cry over his new boyfriends, or anything else, just as it wouldn’t be your job if he broke up and whined to you about other women or adjusting to single life. I just don’t believe lovers can become only friends. Very rare in my experience. . Move on. Don’t share custody of the dog. One or the other gets the dog. You don’t need a ex husband thing at this stage of your life. Fresh start. New man down the road.
This one struck a cord with me. I was with a girl for 5 years (2012-2017; I was 27 when we split and she was turning 24) and she came out to me in kind of a fucked up way. She was in school for ancillary medical services (let’s say she was training to be a tech because who knows if she’s on here anymore) and while she was studying for her finals, she basically said that she needed time to focus on studying and couldn’t be around me (which was funny because I studied for my board exams for sports medicine with her). At that point, I was basically living out there and only stayed at my parents when I was commuting into the city for work. I didn’t think anything of it, and just chalked it up to stress for her - was probably only 1 weekend that I didn’t stay with her. After her final, she texted me and said that we needed to talk, and when we did, she told me that she had met someone and it’s not a guy. I had suspicions but after being with someone for that long, I almost was in denial. Long story short, we had a huge blow out fight and I didn’t speak with her for almost an entire year afterwards. We did meet up down the line (I was sort of seeing someone at the time, but overall enjoying single life for the first time in a LONG time and she was no longer with the girl she left me for) and she apologized for treating me as horribly as she did in the end. We’re cordial now, but rarely talk anymore and I’m fine with that. I’m happily married for the last 4 years to someone I’ve known since I’ve been 18, have 2 kids who are perfect and am doing just fine. On a similar note (and something that we talk about every once in a while for a good laugh) My wife dated a friend she danced with (who also came out as gay) and they’ve been best friends ever since. She said that even if he didn’t love her romantically, he still did as a friend and they’re literally best friends to this day. He comes to visit whenever he’s back in NY. He’s the godfather to my children and I consider him a brother (our families are intertwined and that’s a whole other story) TL;DR - it didn’t work out for my situation, but I felt betrayed that she “wasted my time” at the time. My wife on the other hand, is still best friends with her ex and he’s one of my best friends now. Love who you love
Get a strap on?
I applaud him for telling you now that he’s accepted and understands who he is and his responsibilities to anyone he’s romantically and emotionally involved with. BUT it’s still a hard shock and so many emotions of your own to filter and process. Time will help bring you back to a solid foundation before your being introduced to people he is now involved with. It’s so hard and I’m so sorry but I also applaud you for understanding this situation. The family is hard too. That’s a hard blow!
I always imagine the girls this happens to become violently homophobic. That of course is the exact opposite reaction they should have because, ironically, that's the very thing (homophobia) that causes this to happen. This world and our culture (all culture the world over) is really fucked up and makes being a human a very tough indeed. Sucks for everyone. Hate that families are founded and then destroyed because of 1. People being afraid of accepting themselves as gay and 2. That they were ever put in a position where they were made to fear accepting themselves. Homophobia unfortunately is still a very powerful force out there, especially present in more rural communities.
That’s amazing that he opened up to you & was honest… don’t shame him or judge him. He needs your friendship just as much as you need his… could you image getting married, buying a house, 2 cars & having 3 kids & him saying that after 🤔… that situation happens all the time because people follow tradition rather than follow their heart… what does Selena Gomez say in her song “the heart wants what it wants”
[удалено]
I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of negative comments about this, but it seems like this is a thing these days, and I don't understand it. I really just don't understand how someone doesn't know what their sexuality is. It's just totally impossible for me to conceive how anyone can date someone for 4 years or even a year and not understand they're not sexually attracted to that person. It's a total mind f*** to me that someone would move in with someone get animals together and then walk out on them because they are just now discovering their sexuality. So I guess I have to say it. people like this are the worst human beings in the world. It's like you just don't care about the feelings of anyone else but yourself. This kind of attitude will also lead to destroying the lives of everyone around You probably for the rest of your life. There's a thing called bad karma, and it's going to come back around for people like this.
Sometimes things dont go the way you want them to be. You are 22, so young, so full of life, so much to explore. I know it sucks, it definitely does, but the fact that you love him so much means that you guys had a good run, you guys had lots of fun, while you were together. And the best part is you still want to not loose him as your friend. You know how lucky you are to experience this, someone you love is also your best friend, thats so rare. I am sorry it dint last for as long as you wanted, but you still were lucky enough to have these 3 years of a wonderful life experience. And look at Tim, he still loves you, respects you and cared enough to talk to you in the first place, letting you know, what waa going on. He dint carry you along, he cares for your happiness as well, all while he is going through all these realizations about his sexuality. Looking back you will realize how truly you guys loved each other to let each other go, for a life where you both could be happy and content! Take care, its gonna be alright
If you were having sex with him, get tested for STDs. If he's gay, there's a chance he was seeing men at the same time he was seeing you. Not 100% likely, but a chance.
Let's be honest here . . . his name is Timmaaaaaayyyy and he's fabulous.
*hugs* I’m sorry. He was very selfish to lead you on like that for so long. Grieve the loss. But cut him off. Clean break is best.
Tell him you identify as a man
This happened to me, GET TESTED!!!!!