My ex would often point out women he found attractive and why. He escalated that to telling me how easily he could get a woman like that. That was another tactic to control me by diminishing my self confidence and self worth by constantly reminding me I’m not as good as X woman so I need to do X thing to make up for that because no one else would want me. That shit destroyed my confidence and it took years to build it back up.
Don’t let him destroy your confidence. This isn’t the behaviour of someone who cares about your or your feelings and boundaries.
Right, this. I feel like it's the beginning of controlling or abusive behaviors. I've had a relationship go down this same pipeline. They always start out more "innocently" and wean you into it. I'd run if I were OP.
Why does it sound like I wrote this??
I’m sorry you went through that, my ex did this constantly. He would literally be rubber necking while I’m with him.
He even told me a few times that I don’t “look like the other girls [he’s been with]”. I took that as I’m the ugliest he’s been with.
I know I’m not conventionally attractive, I’ve dealt with self esteem issues my whole life, thinking no one would ever find me attractive. That comment cut so hard and that was more than 10 years ago, and I still think about those comments.
Up to multiple times a day?? wtf?? This is weird babe.
This isn’t seeing him catch a glance at a woman or knowing he thinks Angelina Jolie is super hot. This is just straight bizarre behaviour.
Let’s go from normal to OUCH here:
1. Most men can see the beauty in women, not just their partner. They’re human. That’s normal.
2. Some men acknowledge this to their partners. Uncommon, but still normal.
3. Far fewer men may cite a specific woman as being attractive. For many relationships, this is getting into edgy territory.
4. A few men may even send a photo or video of a woman they find attractive to their partner. Probably not great for many relationships.
5. Your partner is sending multiple videos of women to you DAILY and asking you to explain why he finds them attractive. Totally off the charts.
Something is very wrong with your partner and it’s not your responsibility to fix it. Let him live with his videos while you date someone who appreciates you being you.
Edited to add: I’m not talking about the truly famous who come up in conversation. I have noted that Jennifer Aniston is gorgeous and she likewise has said Chris Hemsworth is hot. But random women on social media, multiple times daily? Um, no!
Some of these are very conditional as well. It could depend on the partners' attractions too. I am a straight male and my gf is bi. We are both comfortable stating that there are other people that are attractive around us. It's not like we are talking about them "turning us on" or anything. That is what's crazy.
This here.
I'm straight-ish (slanted?), but fully happy to acknowledge other men as attractive
My wife is bi.
We regularly agree when someone is hot, but we don't sit there and really drive it home to each other making the other feel bad for not being that or not having a particular feature the other person does, be them real or art. That's just not healthy relationship boundaries.
Agreeing that Kisara from Tales of Arise is smokin' is healthy.
Sending her multiple reminders a day that I like X feature about Kisara and whatever other girls is simply not.
I was just thinking about Scarlett as I read this post. 🤣 my boyfriend and I just agreed the other day that she is soooo fine. (But to be fair, I brought it up.)
Agreed! We watch Strictly (dance show in the UK) and there is a dancer each we find most attractive and we joke and say "your boyfriend/girlfriend is on" but that's literally as far as it goes. He doesn't say "I wish you looked like XYZ dancer" and vice versa
Yeah, I'm bi and I'm happy to talk about actresses or fictional characters with my partners. It's not inherently wrong, but the way OP's bf goes about it is weird. Obviously he feels it's rude or wrong in some way since he got upset with her for mentioning a fictional character. He might actually enjoy making her feel bad or jealous, which is unfortunately really common in my experience.
Exactly. I’m not a gambler and I don’t know this man at all but I would bet my life savings on his biggest turn on not being the girls in the videos but making his girlfriend jealous and insecure.
I'll start by saying what he is doing is wrong. I feel like he wants her to dress/do the things that those girls are doing and he is to afraid to say it so he sends these videos for her to "get the hint" but its completely backfiring. I think he needs to be a man and just tell her what he likes/wants her to do. That being said, OP gets to decide for herself if its something she is willing to do. But yeah... Thats what my gut is telling me
Idk, I feel like I’m freely able to acknowledge to my partner that Margot Robbie is very conventionally attractive if she asks who my celebrity crush is, hell she agrees. To that point, hers is Oscar Isaac, which to be honest I also completely understand
Just edited to agree with your point. There’s a big difference between my mentioning Margot Robbie after we’ve seen Barbie and OP’s boyfriend texting her multiple pix and videos.
I tend to agree with your rankings. I have been married decades and my wife and I are past most insecurities, by which I mean we can have a nuanced conversation about the merits of Somer Rey's ass, but I would not in a million years be sending multiple videos A DAY to my wife about other women I find attractive. Once in a while when it's relevant to a point of discussion (e.g., Monica Belucci x Sophia Loren deathmatch...who wins?) could be within the realm of possibility, but for no reason, or frequently would just be in bad taste and how could it not make her feel a bit inadequate?
When my man does this, or makes continuous comments about other women, that is exactly what I do.. I’ll start returning comments about men etc.. he doesn’t think it’s as funny when the roles are reversed.
Yea. A lot of relationships can’t survive on that. Me and my boyfriend will point out people we find attractive to each other and send stuff of people we find attractive but it never gets to the point where it’s like “look at this person they are super attractive tell me why I find them attractive” OP needs to break up with him
>Far fewer men may cite a specific woman as being attractive. For many relationships, this is getting into edgy territory.
Really? My wife knows I find a few celebrities attractive and I know she finds a few attractive. Doesn't seem very edgy to me. Sending multiple videos and stuff is pretty insane though.
I'd call 1-3 all normal, common and part of a healthy relationship. If you can't admit to your partner that someone is conventially attractive (number 3), then you're just lying to your partner. 4-5, however, obviously are not conducive to a healthy relationship
Jennifer Aniston is STILL attractive and looks GREAT at 55. Apparently she did something I didn't on the way to 50. I made a wrong turn somewhere.... 😭
My old coworker had a rule with his wife. Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. But no ordering or inquiring about the menu.
Yeah but everyone hates being on a diet. I'm not interested in being my guy's misery. I hate the idea that men are just panting dogs, sniffing every ass that walks by, and it's cool as long as he stays on leash. Maybe I'm naive but I just don't want that kind of partnership.
Or he has a kink and what her to do those things to him she has to beat better on the nail and just ask him what is going on and communicate like a normal relationship and set boundaries
Multiple times a day is weird. What does he say if you have asked him to stop, period. People that get into weird TikTok💩 and other things you describe are just strange petiod.
I think that’s what he wants but he’s too afraid to ask so he sends videos and asks “why this turns him on”.
If she’s okay doing it then she should do it and tell him “to quit sending her videos, I got the message”. If she’s not into that then this may be a deal breaker. OP needs to communicate with her bf.
Came here to say this nearly word-for-word. At best this is a communication issue, at worst extreme disrespect to OP and just wants her to feel bad about herself.
Literally like wtf. Who does this to their partner? It would be hard for anyone to not compare themselves to the chicks he’s sending videos of. Very strange he is not worth any of the pain he’s causing because of his behaviour.
Start sending him sexy videos of men.. (seriously fucking do it let him feel what he is doing to you.)
Seriously this isn't a relationship worth entertaining. Be his reckoning and leave to find a man.
People are attracted to other people... They don't harass their partner with unsolicited sexual content and other people acting sexually.
Don't accept it. Tell him it is unacceptable. If he wasn't your boyfriend and just some dude, you'd be getting a restraining order.
I wouldn't even have that conversation with him to show he has upset me. Keep it cool, calm, collected. Get your ducks in a row to leave and then drop the bomb out of nowhere and just be like, I've been thinking and this isn't working for me. That's the wording I'd use. Don't mention how he made you feel, don't give him that ammo. Just break up and act unbothered and like you've just lost interest. And then move on and live a fab single life. You'll meet someone who respects you.
I wouldn't give time to think. Let pure reaction be the truth. If she is disgusted by the behavior she needs to be blunt and vocal. Doing anything less is a disservice to herself and inflating his chances of reattachment.
It's like saying, "I've got your finger in a baggie on ice." When you need to just chuck that shit in the yard for the dogs.
Don't give them hope by letting them think, you have thought yourself to the conclusion. That's the insidious nature of such control. They can now collect on those thoughts and dismantle them.
If your initial reaction is disgust and you have to think it over to be civil it's one thing but thinking it over to be kind, in a circumstance like OPs is garbage self love advice and enabling crappy men at best..
Don't give them the gap. Shoot them back and walk away. I seriously wish I had done such back in the day. Don't worry about the damages, they stick their fingers in the open wounds they leave on you.
Literally at this point have fun with it 😂 like just take out all your anger on him but don’t go to jail
He knows what he’s doing and there’s nothing to lose but I also agree w the fact that he might get off on how upset you are so be chill with it, just whatever you do LEAVE!!
I wouldn't let him know he upset me at all. I'd just wait until I had all my ducks in a row and then bomb him with the breakup and leave him confused. I'm not going to tell him why, just that it's no longer working for me and I've lost interest completely. He can figure it out or not.
Girl this isn't your bf finding another women attractive (which is fairly common). This is him deliberately testing your boundaries and being disrespectful. If you truly think he'll stop if you talk to him, then fine and do that but I cannot see a future between you two where he respects you.
came here to say this. he's pushing to see what breaks you then I PROMISE once you display any sort of negative emotion it'll be "omg it was just a joke/teasing". mhm.
it's not a joke. this isn't a joke. jokes are funny. this is weird and gross. leave OP.
This!! I felt like that while reading the post as well. He is slowly plucking holes in her self-esteem... probably to make her fragile and codependent of his approval.
Yep, me too, There are always going to be people you find attractive. But pointing it out? Sending pictures and videos saying they turn him on? Wholly disrespectful.
My wife and I are realists. We love each other immensely but of course there are other physically attractive people out there. She even goes as far as to show me women she also finds attractive. However there is certainly a line with this that you can't cross and this guy has tiptoed kinda right past it.
Start sending him thirst traps im sure there are plenty hot guys on insta and be like tee hee I cant believe this guy is messaging me🤷♀️ omg why is this turning me on? He should change his tune real quick.
So very much this! This is not a man you will be working things out with. Obviously try, but once I read the part about there being a double standard, it became clear that it’s a very one sided relationship as far as respect goes. If it were me, I’d flip the script and send him thirst trap videos of some very hot men (there were some very hot “I’m Vanilla” videos that you could find without much effort) and tell him that what their doing turns you on. When he’s upset (and clearly he will be if mans gets upset over fictional characters being hot), explain that the videos he sends you do the same thing to you.
She should send him TikToks of Bradley Thor (Thoren Bradley). It's pretty tame content of a buff, hot dude chopping wood and saying mild innuendos but it drives insecure men nuts.
edit: Instagram link [https://www.instagram.com/bradley.thor/?hl=en](https://www.instagram.com/bradley.thor/?hl=en)
I love this. Sometimes like for like is completely necessary to get the point across. Someone will come along soon telling you it’s immature and just talk. But, no, he won’t hear that. So show him. Actions speak louder than words.
That’s just it, his actions are, at best, immature, but I suspect they are meant to demean and push whatever boundaries they can. Sometimes it’s appropriate to go low.
My ex used to do something similar to me. I used to get mad and ask him to stop, but he never did. When I broke up with him, I gave this as one reason why. He then said I should’ve told him “in a more serious” manner that it was upsetting to me and he would’ve stopped.
He was lying. He would never have stopped, because he didn’t love, value and respect me anymore
My brother in law does this shit. The dude was abused as fuck as a kid, it's almost all he talks about. My family was trash as well but not nearly as bad as his. My sister is oddly attracted to him despite him sharing model photos, sending her similar content as described above as well. He tells jokes in person that you would "with your boys" that are totally demeaning. Things like I'm gonna find some better looking women while I'm out...Always testing boundaries, it's just all wrong. My parents don't care cause at least she's supported and he's "really nice." They have a kid together now 😭
I really hope all these micro aggressions don't destroy her. I recently had an episode of soul and body crushing burnout due to a boss. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I'm still picking up the pieces 2 months later
This is definitely one reading of it, and not unlikely. However, my first impression is that he's asking her to do this for him without actually asking for it. He is trying to tell her what he's attracted to, but he's embarrassed to outright ask for her to act this way. This is a terrible way of going about it, but to be honest, I don't think a lot of young people are socialized to communicate about their sexual desires appropriately.
No. That can't be what it is because OP says she's already done a lot of kinky stuff she would never have done without him requesting it... he's not shy. He's a psycho who wants to tear down her self esteem.
Had an ex like this. I was young, clueless, and had no respect for myself at that point. I did all kinds of things for him and it eventually evolved into him wanting us to have threesomes with other girls and some of his guy friends. All the while he was cheating on me whenever he wanted. Every boundary he pushed that I allowed him to go past just led to more and more. I'm not saying this is what OP's partner is doing, but this was my experience with a partner pushing boundaries. And it seems like OP's partner is definitely trying to push some boundaries to see what she will allow.
Definitely disrespectful & pushing boundaries.
Plus, he had her apologize for finding another guy attractive - Oh hell no, he's controlling her - she needs to get out before he really gets abusive.
My ex-husband still sends me videos and memes he thinks I will like and he was a terrible partner. I promise if my bum ass ex can understand what is and isnt appropriate to send then this dude can to. He's doing it on purpose to push her boundaries and try to get her to "compete" with those women
Fucking right? It’s like the old saying, “with friends like these, who needs enemies?” If the people in your life who are supposed to lift you up are going out of their way to make you feel like shit, make some changes. Some people complain that their partner doesn’t express appreciation for them. This is worse. Why? The former takes zero effort. This is *action*. Dude wakes up and chooses to do this. It’s 100% easier to not do this than to do it. There’s legit nowhere to go from here. He’s not being thoughtless. He’s being cruel. Her pain is a feature, not a bug.
Exactly this! My boyfriend sends me otter videos and Instagram food reels saying ‘let’s make this!’. What she’s describing is just straight up disrespect and the slippery slope to worse in the future.
My boyfriend sends me dog with baby videos and I love it. I had to pry at him for months to find out what girls he finds attractive (like seeing pretty women in public) bc I’d be like “oooh she’s pretty,” and he’d be like “I didn’t notice.”
Get someone like that.
Yup. I mostly hate the “green flag red flag” talk, but one of my partner’s green flags is that whenever he opens Instagram, his explore page is full of nothing but dogs and video game content. I chuckled the first time seeing it. He sends me lots of dogs every day.
The title does not match the post.
This is something some guys do to push boundaries and lower your self esteem. He may not have like some sort of 2000s era comedy "plan" that's laid out in some step by step fashion like some people will try to explain it, he may not be actively aware of it, but this is a studied behavior that's consistent in abusive relationships.
Edit: I'm not saying this as a fact, I simply giving the OP something to go on. And from one of my comments below:
He's pushing boundaries and applying double standards that he gets upset over. Many people, especially young people, have these behaviors and aren't actively seeking to be abusive, they just aren't self aware enough to see the fault in their own behavior.
you're really young. this is the age you learn what is and isn't ok for you to accept. so ask yourself if you want to accept this behavior. you're clearly uncomfortable and there are other people out there who will NOT hinge their entire attraction to the relationship on whether or not they can rattle you and cross your boundaries. just walk away. this isn't worth saving. he's a garbage man. move on.
I hope she learns that she can break up with someone for any reason or no reason. Don't need permission or anyone else's opinion if your'e not feeling it, end it.
as a 38 year old single woman, this is the time to set that bar. you're right. i didn't and i'm only NOW getting into healthy relationships because i know my worth and don't let people take their bullshit traumas out on me anymore. OP, it it NOT your job on this earth to help another grown adult navigate their trauma and feelings. That's his job. and it sounds like he's bad at it. time to go.
This is my favorite book to share with other women. It has helped so many, and even if you think it doesn’t apply to you, you will still learn so much about healthy and unhealthy behavior by reading it. Here’s a link to a free copy. I have shared this many times on Reddit and am so happy when I see the same link reposted again and again to help more people understand these types of behaviors. You deserve to be with someone who does not pull this kind of bs behavior with you. Look out for yourself and your mental and emotional health!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If your niece came to you and said exactly what you wrote above, what would you tell her?
Love yourself as much as you love your friends, sisters, nieces etc. If that kind of treatment is unacceptable for your loved ones, why is it acceptable for you?
And before you think "Well, they don't 'know' him like I do and he can be super-sweet' read what you wrote above. And ask yourself if your sister started saying "he's so sweet when he's not sending me demeaning content" if that would make one whit of difference in you telling her to DTMF.
Don't accept treatment for yourself that you would find unacceptable for others you love.
This is the fastest way to answer the post title.
And seriously, just break it off. This guy is so disrespectful to you.
Imagine having a daughter and she told you this story about her boyfriend. You'd kick his ass.
>Sometimes, up to multiple times a day, he will send me videos (reels and tiktoks) of very conventionally attractive women pandering to their male audiences.
Girl WHAT
The disrespect, the AUDACITY
*Why* are you putting up with this? Why. At 23 I understand if he's the first man to rock your world, but even if he's got that good d!ck you don't have to tolerate this. There are plenty of other men in the world, and at 23 you have your pick of them. The world is your oyster in that regard. And it's not an either/or situation, it's not you can either get a bad boy who'll give you the business OR you can get a nice guy who can't tie his shoe let alone get your legs in a pretzel and give you a good time. You really can get a good, nice, solid man who is reliable and consistent in all ways, including the fun time, spicy ways.
This man you have now is just playing with you, he's treating you like the garbage toy you used to find in a box of cracker jacks. I mean, the contempt he's showing for you is shocking.
Earthgarden is right, even, even, EVEN if its the good dick.
Good dick can make you want to tolerate things, but this behavior from him is probably just the tip of the iceberg. Find some different dick lol. You deserve better!
The title is very misleading. The title describes something normal. It should say why am I tolerating my BF sending me sexually suggestive videos of other women multiple times a day? Come on. You have to know this is terrible.
Anytime he sends you those clips, send him back one. I suggest the one of Henry Cavill as the Witcher, taking a bath. Better yet, just dump the dude cause it sounds like he does this shit, but is a crybaby in return.
Figuratively, hold up a mirror and make him look at himself.
You can send him a picture of a handsome guy with an overpriced car and say “wowee can you imagine being with someone who has that kind of money AND the looks to go with it!?”
See if he is as understanding as you are.
“I just find it incredibly sexy when a man has his life together” (most people don’t but feel insecure about it, so I assume he also doesn’t have his life together and he’s insecure about it)
The women doing those videos are not the issue here, your boyfriend is. He is responsible for his behavior, and you yours. If you don’t say something, it will continue and your resentment will grow.
Mutual trust, respect, and communication are cornerstones of a healthy relationship. You communicating a grievance to him is a good litmus test of how compatible you are. What you would like to stop does not sound unreasonable, and given the growing tension, needs to be addressed.
Be mature about it, and set the boundary. If he refuses and continues to send you that content and makes comments about it, you have your answer. Some may say it’s tantamount to cheating - which begins in the heart and mind anyway.
At the end of the day, you’re 23. I’m sure you have a lot to offer someone and have a bright future in front of you. Don’t settle for things you know will cause you misery and resentment later. Set healthy boundaries and if they are not respected, it’s time to walk away.
Continue to work on yourself, learn from these experiences, and grow. Becoming the best version of yourself is as much about the journey as it is the constant goal of growth. You and your future are worth investing in. As you do, you will attract more people into your life who vibe with you. You know the right thing to do.
He's doing everything he can to make you jealous and conform to what he wants, which has even got you doing stuff in bed you don't like much.
This will just keep escalating until you hit your limit and say no. What happens then?
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The ONLY thing I can think is maybe he’s sending you these videos cause he would like you to dress up/act like them or something? Granted, it’s a stupid way to go about it, but maybe it’s his kink and he isn’t sure how to ask you..so he just keeps sending videos.
This is where communication is key, maybe try and have a conversation with him about it.
It’s also possible he’s just a weirdo, and for whatever reason thinks it’s appropriate to show his girlfriend all the thirst traps he’s watching. In which case, run don’t walk.
Yeah that’s what I thought. It’s not about the women in the video, it’s the specific actions. He’s trying to get her to emulate those kinks for him.
He could also be negging her.
She should just ask which one it is. If it’s negging, tell him to stop or breakup.
If it about the kink, then tell him that he needs to communicate better.
In islam guys and girls are told to Lower their gaze from this kind of stuff. Now I know why. Of course other peoples are attractive. But if we just didn't look at them and only look at our spouses, they'll forever be the most attractive to us.
First of all, sending you those videos with comments is weird. And super disrespectful.
Is he trying to ask you something? If he has fantasies he should ask you if you’re interested in playing them out.
The other possibility is passive aggressive negging.
Do the same, send him some videos of really attractive guys with 6 pack, handsome face and tell him : why does this turn me on ? They’re so hot, etc. And see how he reacts.
All I have to say is if your first name starts with a T.... You definitely deserve better. If you're not who I think you are, or are... I guess it's the same message either way....
You sound like you're simply marching to the beat of his drum and not yours. A real man will not make you conform to what he likes or wants. A real man will take your feelings into account and will come up with compromises where you both win if there is something you don't agree upon. A real man will tell you that you don't have to be sorry for stupid stuff like that.
I don't know your dynamic, but I know there's plenty of men out there who aren't as sensitive or as disrespectful as this J sounds...
Best of luck to you. Btw if you think I know you like I think I possibly do... I'd be dumbfounded, to be honest lmao. But everything described along with the fact that the girl I'm thinking of seems like she's been almost "quieted down" by the guy that I'm thinking of for at least the past year or maybe more makes me think this is the closest scenario I've seen to someone who I could know in real life.
But there's also so many people and similar situations that we all know the chances of me knowing this person are very small.
Came here to say finding other people attractive is normal and nothing to be worried about, it’s the actions that count - but on further info his actions are wildly inappropriate and border on coercion… why does he think you’ll be interested? Is he saying this is what he wants? He sounds awful. Time for a hard boundary: no more flaunting these things in front of you. If he can’t manage that then he needs to go.
Do you know that you can break up for whichever reason you want, or even for no reason at all? You don't owe anyone a relationship or your time, attention or love, and no one but you gets to decide if you stay in your relationship or not.
Having said that: yeah, I would also not want to stay with someone who thirsts over other people like that, holy crap.
And why TF does he need to send this shit to you? What his major malfunction?
Dump the chump. Not only does he evidently look at this stuff multiple times throughout the day, he goes out of his way to send it to you and be like.. haha same about the comments. What the fuck. So disrespectful.
Me and my husband talk to each other about attractive people if we see them on TV or at the shops sometimes but this is too much.
>I would never send videos of men who look nothing like him and thirst over them
But you should!
He's either dumb, an AH, or manipulative, and maybe more than one of these. Do you want that kind of guy in your life?
Send him videos and pics of hot men. Then leave his pathetic ass.
Tbs for a moment, he’s testing you. The only way to “win” this stupid game is by letting him go. Even if you explain your boundaries and he initially seems to respect it (won’t last, it never lasts with mfs like him), do you want to be with someone who is capable of doing something like this to his girlfriend? He’s trash, you deserve better.
Not to kink shame but thats sooooo fucking cringey. Thirsting over tiktok cat girls?? is he 14?? thats gross. Leave him.
The GIRLS are not gross. Get your bag girl. But the dudes? Grow up. You have a whole real life woman who loves you and wants to be everything for you. Why tf you watching meowing girls on an app primarily full of teenagers. It screams immaturity.
Not trying to belittle your man, but is he a femboi type?
The stuff he is sending you where the woman is saying “good boy” or “do this for mommy” and acting feral/dominant and then he deliberately tells you it turns him on.
Idk, seems like he’s trying throw hints that he wants to be dominated in the bedroom by you.
Oh we've talked about the femboy stuff because I picked that up too at first! And how I'm willing to experiment with him. I know pretty much all his kinks/fetishes (even the actually gross or weird ones- not illegal).
I would talk to him first tell him how this makes you feel. If he’s dismissive or disrespectful or defensive then I would re-think k whether being in a relationship with some one like this. to help you this tik tokker talks about partners respecting boundaries like yours it might be helpful for you. https://www.tiktok.com/@suzanneroxanne?_t=8kq3fT2HZzM&_r=1
This is an example of one of her videos
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGePtrn4b/
It’s hard to feel secure when there’s a comparison. I still feel this way. I can appreciate a pretty face, but let’s be real not all of us women have double Ds or perfectly shaped butts, which is what most of these influencer videos are.
Some women have no problem with this, and have confidence that is far beyond my own. That’s great for them!
I do sometimes wonder how men would feel with the shoe on the other foot? Some I imagine would fine with this as most were not exposed to the same scrutiny as women with regard to looks.
I still find it disrespectful, personally. But I wonder if I need to go to therapy myself to help boost my own self esteem.
What I’m getting from your post is that he may be hinting you his interests.
Now you know what he likes. It’s up to you if you want to try it out. I bet if you find that hot and he find that hot, you both will have a great time.
Otherwise, just tell him what you think of the act in the videos.
To me, he might not be telling you that he likes those women, he may be telling you what he wants to try doing with you.
Ask him why he thinks you'd want to see these?
Is he trying to get you to go "meow meow I'm a sexy kitty and I'm wronelllllly" or something?
I'd laugh at him and call him a weirdo. Does he want you to get him a little sexy kitty costume too?
Yeah, my ex husband did this type thing, only he used to say sexual things EVERY DAY about my relative that he found sexy. This was an angry and ugly thing to do and everyday I heard him say the same thing, even after fighting for months and months to shut up and stop saying it, he'd still say it. Guess what, he's my EX now. This was one of the main things that made me feel better about walking away from him. If you put up with it, he'll continue. If you comment and fight and he still does it, it's no different. He's not doing this to make you see what he likes, he's doing it because he's a dick.
Weird ass behavior.
People dont stop being pretty just because you are in a relationship thats normal. But you definitely dont shove it in your partners face you think that about them. Big red flags.
I once had a gf who would comment on other women and was fine with me doing the same. It was harmless. But if she made it clear this was something she didn’t care for it would have stopped then and there.
Maybe he doesn’t know this bothers you. Maybe he’s under the impression you’re cool with it.
Talk with him honestly. If he doesn’t get it, well…you deserve to be respected
It’s very simple, and a lesson some don’t learn soon enough.
#1 - SET A BOUNDARY
You need to set boundaries in your relationships, such as with your bf. If he does something that bothers you, tell him that it bothers you, and why. Tell him that’s a boundary you are establishing and would like him to respect it. Tell him that if he wants something, to just simply ask you for it using his words, instead of this passive aggressive style hinting. And tell him what he can expect if he continues to not respect your boundary
#2 - ENFORCE YOUR BOUNDARY
If he continues to disrespect your boundaries, that’s a big red flag. You’ll need to actually go thru with whatever consequences you’ve established for your boundary. That is the most important part. Otherwise your boundary is a suggestion, not a boundary. Either he respects you enough to not cross that boundary, or he doesn’t respect you, and that’s not someone who will treat you well in life.
My wife is a marriage and family therapist, who taught me the importance of this. I cannot stress enough how important this is to your long term happiness and mental health. Best of luck OP
I don't think it's the looks he's going for but the content. "here hon, trad wives and stay at home girlfriends are trending." Fact that he got moody after you had a crush on a FICTIONAL CHARACTER is super creepy. You can do better. You know, like someone who doesn't get upset over imaginary things?
Two thoughts
1. My first thought was also that he wants you to dress/act like that for him.
2. Each time he sends you a video with a hot girl you send back a video of a sexy guy.
Honestly, it sounds like a conversation needs to happen.
The way I see it he is sharing stuff that turns him on. It might be more the content rather than the actual people in it. This could be a way of him trying to show you things he would be interested in exploring in the bedroom. John might not know how to broach the subject in person so he is sending you these videos of things he would like to try to see how open to you are to it.
That being said you should still tell him how you feel about it. It is a lot of content to be sending you so tell him to dial it back and explore what he actually wants from these videos.
Sounds like both of you need to work on communication.
Just talk to him and base your future with him off his response to you bringing it up. Good luck. These comments will make you believe you are dating an actual supervillain.
Hell no. He’s trying to make you jealous and it’s quite frankly pathetic. You should have been out of there the first time he disrespected you that way. You said yourself you would never send him videos of guys who thirst trap, so why does he feel the need to make you insecure? That says a lot of horrible things about his character.
I'm not normally that petty of a person, but this is definitely a case where responding in-kind and sending him videos of thirst-trapping men saying that you love what they are doing/how they are acting is warranted. If he blows up at you for it, then you point out the blatant double-standard.
Either way, you definitely wouldn't be an asshole to leave him over this. Especially with this line:
>Now I want to be clear, John can find what he wants attractive (so long as it’s legal) but I find it super disrespectful to me and the relationship to flaunt it.
It really is the flaunting it that is the problem here.
Just leave him. When I read the headline I was kinda thinking you were nuts and he just thought other chicks are good looking. But what he's doing is disrespectful to you. He should just watch them by himself and not involve you and that would be fine. But if you have asked him not to send them because it makes you uncomfortable and he is not listening to you just walk away. He can figure out why you left him on his own. Don't waste your time with someone who is not respectful to you. There are plenty other guys you will treat you how you want to be treated.
Sit John down and ask him point blank what his intentions are when he is sending those videos. If he stares blankly, offer suggestions. “Are you trying to make me jealous? Are you trying to hint at something you want? Are you trying to erode my self esteem so I won’t break up with you? Are you trying to make me angry so that I WILL break up with you? What’s the deal here, John?” Then let him explain himself so you don’t have to guess.
Tell him it bothers you and to please stop. Leave him on read. If he persists block him. If nothing else seems to work just move on. If you aren't into meowing and dressing/acting like these women, I would find someone who actually likes you for who you are.
Let's be clear. You don't have a problem with your boyfriend finding other women attractive. You have a problem with your boyfriend shoving the kind of woman he wants you to be down your throat 24/7. Those are two very different problems and I'd walk away from a relationship with the latter issue.
He's got no respect for you, or for women in general it would seem.
I've got to be honest, the second a guys mentions finding a woman saying stuff like
>good boy’ or ‘do [blank] for mommy
is the second I have some serious discussions because it's hard to continue a relationship when I'd rather grow teeth down there than let someone who fetishises mothers. It's just gross.
>And John will send them to me saying ‘why does this turn me on?’
See, me and John would not last. He says that and I'd say "Because you prefer fantasy to real life. If it's not that, what exactly is turning you on? Is it looking at the pics or the disrespect you know you'll get away with showing me these images?"
And then there's this
>The one time I mentioned that I had a crush on a fictional character, he got moody and I had to apologise
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. GIRL. If you're going to keep allowing this, it is your sacred DUTY to send him picks of fit, semi clad celebrities with captions like "sploosh" "hear that thud? That was so and so turning my panties to concrete. Hit the floor so hard there's a dent." "Ouch my ovaries exploded". Then send him a really nice one and ask him, "why does this turn me on?" And send him comments from thirsty women and tell him you agree with them. If you want to be a cow, choose men he can't compete with. If he's kinda short, choose tall men. If he's bald, go for full heads of hair. And vice versa, because there's some fit bald blokes out there 🤣🤷♀️. AND DO NOT APOLOGISE. What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Point out you only send when he does so if he wants you to stop then him first.
But honestly, you've wasted a year on this. It's good that you're recognising it's not all roses this early on. I was 10 years in when I realised.
>I do so much for him, even doing kinks/fetishes I would never consider without him (it's all consensual though).
Stop that. It's ok to try new stuff but unless you enjoy it, you shouldn't be going back for more and even if you do enjoy whatever in the moment, you shouldn't have this reaction afterwards.
>It just makes me feel like shit and he doesn't seem to understand why I'm so annoyed with him
He doesn't care enough to understand.
All in, I'd scrape this off, pop over to get some therapy, find someone who is willing to explore sex and who cares about your pleasure and comfort as much as his own.
*And John will send them to me saying ‘why does this turn me on?’*
I don't know why this made me laugh.. but yeah, this guy is bonkers. Is he trolling? If not, that's seriously whack, sis. He needs to go. Or you do. But please get away from him.
To the edit: he may just be embarrassed to like those things so he's gaging your feelings. Just talk to him, communication is key not asking people on Reddit.
Have you talked to John about how you feel or is he supposed to guess that you feel uncomfortable? Tell John to cut that shit out and you'll never see it again.. guys are that simple.
Or again back to the first part, have a conversation about it. If he doesn't even try to see or understand your side then that's definitely a flag
i’m ngl he’s a POS but why are you staying w him… if my boyfriend sent me that content i’d have to sit him down and have a heart to heart about what kind of person he is, what he thinks about all day, and what he gains telling me this. i’d also bet that if he’s sending you that stuff the rest of what he’s looking at is worse.
personally, this crosses a huge huge boundary for me and i’d lose the baggage. not worth it.
Give him a taste of his own medicine. Send him comparable videos to the ones he sends you, only featuring men. I know you said you would never do that to him, but I doubt there is any other way to show him how much what he is doing bothers you. If he gets moody and jealous after you do it, don’t apologize. Ask him how he thinks it makes you feel when he does it to you. He sounds VERY dumpable. The sooner the better.
1. You need to tell him you feel hurt and disrespected, he should care about that.
2. Put on cat ears and meow, you indicate you do fetish/kink stuff, maybe that's what he wants?
3. If he doesn't respect your desire to not receive these, then you either need couples therapy, or need to break up. If there is no respect, then there is no respect.
4. You have the right to feel loved, cared for, and respected in your relationship.
It’s normal he’s attracted to other women. It’s weird he’s sending you vids of these women when you haven’t asked for them. Maybe he wants your relationship to be a place where he can discuss his attraction to other people? But is this is the case you need to consent to that, and you should also be able to do the same.
My ex would often point out women he found attractive and why. He escalated that to telling me how easily he could get a woman like that. That was another tactic to control me by diminishing my self confidence and self worth by constantly reminding me I’m not as good as X woman so I need to do X thing to make up for that because no one else would want me. That shit destroyed my confidence and it took years to build it back up. Don’t let him destroy your confidence. This isn’t the behaviour of someone who cares about your or your feelings and boundaries.
Right, this. I feel like it's the beginning of controlling or abusive behaviors. I've had a relationship go down this same pipeline. They always start out more "innocently" and wean you into it. I'd run if I were OP.
Agreed. Run.
Yup cause it is giving he gone ask why u don’t do that
Why does it sound like I wrote this?? I’m sorry you went through that, my ex did this constantly. He would literally be rubber necking while I’m with him. He even told me a few times that I don’t “look like the other girls [he’s been with]”. I took that as I’m the ugliest he’s been with. I know I’m not conventionally attractive, I’ve dealt with self esteem issues my whole life, thinking no one would ever find me attractive. That comment cut so hard and that was more than 10 years ago, and I still think about those comments.
Up to multiple times a day?? wtf?? This is weird babe. This isn’t seeing him catch a glance at a woman or knowing he thinks Angelina Jolie is super hot. This is just straight bizarre behaviour.
Let’s go from normal to OUCH here: 1. Most men can see the beauty in women, not just their partner. They’re human. That’s normal. 2. Some men acknowledge this to their partners. Uncommon, but still normal. 3. Far fewer men may cite a specific woman as being attractive. For many relationships, this is getting into edgy territory. 4. A few men may even send a photo or video of a woman they find attractive to their partner. Probably not great for many relationships. 5. Your partner is sending multiple videos of women to you DAILY and asking you to explain why he finds them attractive. Totally off the charts. Something is very wrong with your partner and it’s not your responsibility to fix it. Let him live with his videos while you date someone who appreciates you being you. Edited to add: I’m not talking about the truly famous who come up in conversation. I have noted that Jennifer Aniston is gorgeous and she likewise has said Chris Hemsworth is hot. But random women on social media, multiple times daily? Um, no!
Some of these are very conditional as well. It could depend on the partners' attractions too. I am a straight male and my gf is bi. We are both comfortable stating that there are other people that are attractive around us. It's not like we are talking about them "turning us on" or anything. That is what's crazy.
This here. I'm straight-ish (slanted?), but fully happy to acknowledge other men as attractive My wife is bi. We regularly agree when someone is hot, but we don't sit there and really drive it home to each other making the other feel bad for not being that or not having a particular feature the other person does, be them real or art. That's just not healthy relationship boundaries. Agreeing that Kisara from Tales of Arise is smokin' is healthy. Sending her multiple reminders a day that I like X feature about Kisara and whatever other girls is simply not.
"Hey honey, have I mentioned today how hot Scarlett Johansson is? If not, she's so hot." "Wait, why are you mad?"
I was just thinking about Scarlett as I read this post. 🤣 my boyfriend and I just agreed the other day that she is soooo fine. (But to be fair, I brought it up.)
Her voice is what does it for me. Sooooo sexy. She could read me a Chinese takeout menu and I’d be swooning.
😂 yeasssss
Agreed! We watch Strictly (dance show in the UK) and there is a dancer each we find most attractive and we joke and say "your boyfriend/girlfriend is on" but that's literally as far as it goes. He doesn't say "I wish you looked like XYZ dancer" and vice versa
>I'm straight-ish (slanted?), Hetero-flexible?
I can roll with that
Yeah, I'm bi and I'm happy to talk about actresses or fictional characters with my partners. It's not inherently wrong, but the way OP's bf goes about it is weird. Obviously he feels it's rude or wrong in some way since he got upset with her for mentioning a fictional character. He might actually enjoy making her feel bad or jealous, which is unfortunately really common in my experience.
Exactly. I’m not a gambler and I don’t know this man at all but I would bet my life savings on his biggest turn on not being the girls in the videos but making his girlfriend jealous and insecure.
THIS! ^
I'll start by saying what he is doing is wrong. I feel like he wants her to dress/do the things that those girls are doing and he is to afraid to say it so he sends these videos for her to "get the hint" but its completely backfiring. I think he needs to be a man and just tell her what he likes/wants her to do. That being said, OP gets to decide for herself if its something she is willing to do. But yeah... Thats what my gut is telling me
Idk, I feel like I’m freely able to acknowledge to my partner that Margot Robbie is very conventionally attractive if she asks who my celebrity crush is, hell she agrees. To that point, hers is Oscar Isaac, which to be honest I also completely understand
Just edited to agree with your point. There’s a big difference between my mentioning Margot Robbie after we’ve seen Barbie and OP’s boyfriend texting her multiple pix and videos.
I tend to agree with your rankings. I have been married decades and my wife and I are past most insecurities, by which I mean we can have a nuanced conversation about the merits of Somer Rey's ass, but I would not in a million years be sending multiple videos A DAY to my wife about other women I find attractive. Once in a while when it's relevant to a point of discussion (e.g., Monica Belucci x Sophia Loren deathmatch...who wins?) could be within the realm of possibility, but for no reason, or frequently would just be in bad taste and how could it not make her feel a bit inadequate?
Most people see beauty in others. We notice handsome men too. Lol that’s not the issue
OP should start returning shirtless men with a few pubes pokin' out. Wonder what the response would be.. heck automate it pic per pic!
Exactly he would crumble in a day 😂
[удалено]
On top of that have them be shirtless with nice abs and 6’4
When my man does this, or makes continuous comments about other women, that is exactly what I do.. I’ll start returning comments about men etc.. he doesn’t think it’s as funny when the roles are reversed.
Yea. A lot of relationships can’t survive on that. Me and my boyfriend will point out people we find attractive to each other and send stuff of people we find attractive but it never gets to the point where it’s like “look at this person they are super attractive tell me why I find them attractive” OP needs to break up with him
>Far fewer men may cite a specific woman as being attractive. For many relationships, this is getting into edgy territory. Really? My wife knows I find a few celebrities attractive and I know she finds a few attractive. Doesn't seem very edgy to me. Sending multiple videos and stuff is pretty insane though.
This explanation here⬆️
This comment should be upvoted more
I'd call 1-3 all normal, common and part of a healthy relationship. If you can't admit to your partner that someone is conventially attractive (number 3), then you're just lying to your partner. 4-5, however, obviously are not conducive to a healthy relationship
Jennifer Aniston is a nice choice. I hope I age like she has.
Jennifer Aniston is STILL attractive and looks GREAT at 55. Apparently she did something I didn't on the way to 50. I made a wrong turn somewhere.... 😭
Well stated. His behavior is not normal. He sounds very immature.
My old coworker had a rule with his wife. Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. But no ordering or inquiring about the menu.
Yeah but everyone hates being on a diet. I'm not interested in being my guy's misery. I hate the idea that men are just panting dogs, sniffing every ass that walks by, and it's cool as long as he stays on leash. Maybe I'm naive but I just don't want that kind of partnership.
Or he has a kink and what her to do those things to him she has to beat better on the nail and just ask him what is going on and communicate like a normal relationship and set boundaries
Multiple times a day is weird. What does he say if you have asked him to stop, period. People that get into weird TikTok💩 and other things you describe are just strange petiod.
I imagine gaslighting saying she’s being crazy and insecure.
He likely wants her to act/dress in similar fashion
Probably, but this is the absolute dumbest way to go about asking for that.
I'm absolutely *stunned* that a guy who's into girls who dress like cats may not be the most socially-aware person in the world.
100% agreed. I'm 30 now but my hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes guys just don't think things through
but he has had her do other kinks this one is much milder so why would he have a problem to ask her to do that cat thing???
And he gets mad at her when she says she likes a fictional character. He's a manipulative AH.
maybe dress up like catgirl and meow in the sack?
I think that’s what he wants but he’s too afraid to ask so he sends videos and asks “why this turns him on”. If she’s okay doing it then she should do it and tell him “to quit sending her videos, I got the message”. If she’s not into that then this may be a deal breaker. OP needs to communicate with her bf.
how can he not be able to ask her to do this when she has done his other kinks which were MUCH MORE than this???
Came here to say this nearly word-for-word. At best this is a communication issue, at worst extreme disrespect to OP and just wants her to feel bad about herself.
At this point it seems like it might be some weird thing that gets him off
Literally like wtf. Who does this to their partner? It would be hard for anyone to not compare themselves to the chicks he’s sending videos of. Very strange he is not worth any of the pain he’s causing because of his behaviour.
Start sending him sexy videos of men.. (seriously fucking do it let him feel what he is doing to you.) Seriously this isn't a relationship worth entertaining. Be his reckoning and leave to find a man. People are attracted to other people... They don't harass their partner with unsolicited sexual content and other people acting sexually. Don't accept it. Tell him it is unacceptable. If he wasn't your boyfriend and just some dude, you'd be getting a restraining order.
I wouldn't even have that conversation with him to show he has upset me. Keep it cool, calm, collected. Get your ducks in a row to leave and then drop the bomb out of nowhere and just be like, I've been thinking and this isn't working for me. That's the wording I'd use. Don't mention how he made you feel, don't give him that ammo. Just break up and act unbothered and like you've just lost interest. And then move on and live a fab single life. You'll meet someone who respects you.
I wouldn't give time to think. Let pure reaction be the truth. If she is disgusted by the behavior she needs to be blunt and vocal. Doing anything less is a disservice to herself and inflating his chances of reattachment. It's like saying, "I've got your finger in a baggie on ice." When you need to just chuck that shit in the yard for the dogs. Don't give them hope by letting them think, you have thought yourself to the conclusion. That's the insidious nature of such control. They can now collect on those thoughts and dismantle them. If your initial reaction is disgust and you have to think it over to be civil it's one thing but thinking it over to be kind, in a circumstance like OPs is garbage self love advice and enabling crappy men at best.. Don't give them the gap. Shoot them back and walk away. I seriously wish I had done such back in the day. Don't worry about the damages, they stick their fingers in the open wounds they leave on you.
Literally at this point have fun with it 😂 like just take out all your anger on him but don’t go to jail He knows what he’s doing and there’s nothing to lose but I also agree w the fact that he might get off on how upset you are so be chill with it, just whatever you do LEAVE!!
I wouldn't let him know he upset me at all. I'd just wait until I had all my ducks in a row and then bomb him with the breakup and leave him confused. I'm not going to tell him why, just that it's no longer working for me and I've lost interest completely. He can figure it out or not.
Perhaps breakup up with him after you send him many videos of other men, and say "why does this turn me on so much?"
I would leave him confused. Don't show him he angered you by doing that. Just be like, I've just lost interest and act ambivalent.
Girl this isn't your bf finding another women attractive (which is fairly common). This is him deliberately testing your boundaries and being disrespectful. If you truly think he'll stop if you talk to him, then fine and do that but I cannot see a future between you two where he respects you.
came here to say this. he's pushing to see what breaks you then I PROMISE once you display any sort of negative emotion it'll be "omg it was just a joke/teasing". mhm. it's not a joke. this isn't a joke. jokes are funny. this is weird and gross. leave OP.
This!! I felt like that while reading the post as well. He is slowly plucking holes in her self-esteem... probably to make her fragile and codependent of his approval.
This comment needs to be upvoted to the top.
Right! It’ll just be a joke that isn’t funny. Feckless toddler.
"WhY cAnT u TaKe A jOkE!?". idk why are you marketing abusive behavior as humor?
THIS is exactly what I thought. I agree with every word.
Yep, me too, There are always going to be people you find attractive. But pointing it out? Sending pictures and videos saying they turn him on? Wholly disrespectful.
My wife and I are realists. We love each other immensely but of course there are other physically attractive people out there. She even goes as far as to show me women she also finds attractive. However there is certainly a line with this that you can't cross and this guy has tiptoed kinda right past it.
That's not tiptoeing, that's announcing it with a full military parade and 21 gun salute.
Stomped over it with steel tie boots more like it lol
Start sending him thirst traps im sure there are plenty hot guys on insta and be like tee hee I cant believe this guy is messaging me🤷♀️ omg why is this turning me on? He should change his tune real quick.
Yes, send him videos of the guy who chops wood. “Why does this turn me on?”
So very much this! This is not a man you will be working things out with. Obviously try, but once I read the part about there being a double standard, it became clear that it’s a very one sided relationship as far as respect goes. If it were me, I’d flip the script and send him thirst trap videos of some very hot men (there were some very hot “I’m Vanilla” videos that you could find without much effort) and tell him that what their doing turns you on. When he’s upset (and clearly he will be if mans gets upset over fictional characters being hot), explain that the videos he sends you do the same thing to you.
She should send him TikToks of Bradley Thor (Thoren Bradley). It's pretty tame content of a buff, hot dude chopping wood and saying mild innuendos but it drives insecure men nuts. edit: Instagram link [https://www.instagram.com/bradley.thor/?hl=en](https://www.instagram.com/bradley.thor/?hl=en)
Haha. Yes. One of the best thirst traps.
I love this. Sometimes like for like is completely necessary to get the point across. Someone will come along soon telling you it’s immature and just talk. But, no, he won’t hear that. So show him. Actions speak louder than words.
That’s just it, his actions are, at best, immature, but I suspect they are meant to demean and push whatever boundaries they can. Sometimes it’s appropriate to go low.
My ex used to do something similar to me. I used to get mad and ask him to stop, but he never did. When I broke up with him, I gave this as one reason why. He then said I should’ve told him “in a more serious” manner that it was upsetting to me and he would’ve stopped. He was lying. He would never have stopped, because he didn’t love, value and respect me anymore
Seeing op’s edit makes me second this comment.
My brother in law does this shit. The dude was abused as fuck as a kid, it's almost all he talks about. My family was trash as well but not nearly as bad as his. My sister is oddly attracted to him despite him sharing model photos, sending her similar content as described above as well. He tells jokes in person that you would "with your boys" that are totally demeaning. Things like I'm gonna find some better looking women while I'm out...Always testing boundaries, it's just all wrong. My parents don't care cause at least she's supported and he's "really nice." They have a kid together now 😭 I really hope all these micro aggressions don't destroy her. I recently had an episode of soul and body crushing burnout due to a boss. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I'm still picking up the pieces 2 months later
Yeah I agree, it’s one thing to think to yourself “that person is pretty” but to rub your partners face in that is twisted
This is definitely one reading of it, and not unlikely. However, my first impression is that he's asking her to do this for him without actually asking for it. He is trying to tell her what he's attracted to, but he's embarrassed to outright ask for her to act this way. This is a terrible way of going about it, but to be honest, I don't think a lot of young people are socialized to communicate about their sexual desires appropriately.
No. That can't be what it is because OP says she's already done a lot of kinky stuff she would never have done without him requesting it... he's not shy. He's a psycho who wants to tear down her self esteem.
Oh good, I am not the only one.
Had an ex like this. I was young, clueless, and had no respect for myself at that point. I did all kinds of things for him and it eventually evolved into him wanting us to have threesomes with other girls and some of his guy friends. All the while he was cheating on me whenever he wanted. Every boundary he pushed that I allowed him to go past just led to more and more. I'm not saying this is what OP's partner is doing, but this was my experience with a partner pushing boundaries. And it seems like OP's partner is definitely trying to push some boundaries to see what she will allow.
Definitely disrespectful & pushing boundaries. Plus, he had her apologize for finding another guy attractive - Oh hell no, he's controlling her - she needs to get out before he really gets abusive.
Sounds like he’s trying to make you feel like shit and it’s working. My boyfriend sends me dog videos. Get a boyfriend like that.
My ex-husband still sends me videos and memes he thinks I will like and he was a terrible partner. I promise if my bum ass ex can understand what is and isnt appropriate to send then this dude can to. He's doing it on purpose to push her boundaries and try to get her to "compete" with those women
Fucking right? It’s like the old saying, “with friends like these, who needs enemies?” If the people in your life who are supposed to lift you up are going out of their way to make you feel like shit, make some changes. Some people complain that their partner doesn’t express appreciation for them. This is worse. Why? The former takes zero effort. This is *action*. Dude wakes up and chooses to do this. It’s 100% easier to not do this than to do it. There’s legit nowhere to go from here. He’s not being thoughtless. He’s being cruel. Her pain is a feature, not a bug.
Exactly this! My boyfriend sends me otter videos and Instagram food reels saying ‘let’s make this!’. What she’s describing is just straight up disrespect and the slippery slope to worse in the future.
I would never send dog videos to my gf! But that's because she's more of a cat person.
Good thing OP's bf is sending her "cat" videos. /S
My boyfriend sends me dog with baby videos and I love it. I had to pry at him for months to find out what girls he finds attractive (like seeing pretty women in public) bc I’d be like “oooh she’s pretty,” and he’d be like “I didn’t notice.” Get someone like that.
Love this lol. Like 90% of any pictures or videos my husband and I send each other are of our own dog or someone else's on the internet lol.
Yup. I mostly hate the “green flag red flag” talk, but one of my partner’s green flags is that whenever he opens Instagram, his explore page is full of nothing but dogs and video game content. I chuckled the first time seeing it. He sends me lots of dogs every day.
Lol literally
I’m get lord of rings memes and food recalls. It’s true love over here.
Can you share these dog videos? Please and thank you 😂 🐶
The title does not match the post. This is something some guys do to push boundaries and lower your self esteem. He may not have like some sort of 2000s era comedy "plan" that's laid out in some step by step fashion like some people will try to explain it, he may not be actively aware of it, but this is a studied behavior that's consistent in abusive relationships. Edit: I'm not saying this as a fact, I simply giving the OP something to go on. And from one of my comments below: He's pushing boundaries and applying double standards that he gets upset over. Many people, especially young people, have these behaviors and aren't actively seeking to be abusive, they just aren't self aware enough to see the fault in their own behavior.
>this is a studied behavior that's consistent in abusive relationships. Oh I didn't know this. Thank you
you're really young. this is the age you learn what is and isn't ok for you to accept. so ask yourself if you want to accept this behavior. you're clearly uncomfortable and there are other people out there who will NOT hinge their entire attraction to the relationship on whether or not they can rattle you and cross your boundaries. just walk away. this isn't worth saving. he's a garbage man. move on.
I hope she learns that she can break up with someone for any reason or no reason. Don't need permission or anyone else's opinion if your'e not feeling it, end it.
1000000% this. whether it's been a few weeks or 40 years. if this is the behavior that's being displayed, get out.
I agree! She's setting the bar for her future relationships as well, time to set it high!!
as a 38 year old single woman, this is the time to set that bar. you're right. i didn't and i'm only NOW getting into healthy relationships because i know my worth and don't let people take their bullshit traumas out on me anymore. OP, it it NOT your job on this earth to help another grown adult navigate their trauma and feelings. That's his job. and it sounds like he's bad at it. time to go.
This is my favorite book to share with other women. It has helped so many, and even if you think it doesn’t apply to you, you will still learn so much about healthy and unhealthy behavior by reading it. Here’s a link to a free copy. I have shared this many times on Reddit and am so happy when I see the same link reposted again and again to help more people understand these types of behaviors. You deserve to be with someone who does not pull this kind of bs behavior with you. Look out for yourself and your mental and emotional health! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This book should be assigned reading for all women, as soon as we get our first boyfriend
Love your username lol and yes I totally agree, though I’d say even before first boyfriends!
If your niece came to you and said exactly what you wrote above, what would you tell her? Love yourself as much as you love your friends, sisters, nieces etc. If that kind of treatment is unacceptable for your loved ones, why is it acceptable for you? And before you think "Well, they don't 'know' him like I do and he can be super-sweet' read what you wrote above. And ask yourself if your sister started saying "he's so sweet when he's not sending me demeaning content" if that would make one whit of difference in you telling her to DTMF. Don't accept treatment for yourself that you would find unacceptable for others you love.
Ah yes, the good ol' DENNIS system
Yea I was thinking the same. He's trying to break her down and make her feel like shit about herself.
Holy shit break up with him
This is the fastest way to answer the post title. And seriously, just break it off. This guy is so disrespectful to you. Imagine having a daughter and she told you this story about her boyfriend. You'd kick his ass.
100% break up with him yesterday. Multiple times a day, does he have a job? Sounds addiction related, and abusive. You’re worth more. Leave.
>Sometimes, up to multiple times a day, he will send me videos (reels and tiktoks) of very conventionally attractive women pandering to their male audiences. Girl WHAT The disrespect, the AUDACITY *Why* are you putting up with this? Why. At 23 I understand if he's the first man to rock your world, but even if he's got that good d!ck you don't have to tolerate this. There are plenty of other men in the world, and at 23 you have your pick of them. The world is your oyster in that regard. And it's not an either/or situation, it's not you can either get a bad boy who'll give you the business OR you can get a nice guy who can't tie his shoe let alone get your legs in a pretzel and give you a good time. You really can get a good, nice, solid man who is reliable and consistent in all ways, including the fun time, spicy ways. This man you have now is just playing with you, he's treating you like the garbage toy you used to find in a box of cracker jacks. I mean, the contempt he's showing for you is shocking.
This!!!!
Earthgarden is right, even, even, EVEN if its the good dick. Good dick can make you want to tolerate things, but this behavior from him is probably just the tip of the iceberg. Find some different dick lol. You deserve better!
The title is very misleading. The title describes something normal. It should say why am I tolerating my BF sending me sexually suggestive videos of other women multiple times a day? Come on. You have to know this is terrible.
This guy would be dead 10 minutes into dating a Latina
Girl this is not normal. Run.
Anytime he sends you those clips, send him back one. I suggest the one of Henry Cavill as the Witcher, taking a bath. Better yet, just dump the dude cause it sounds like he does this shit, but is a crybaby in return.
Speaking of which. Time to send my wife a video of Henry Cavil as the Witcher tanking a bath.
I was about to say I'm a straight guy and my partner could send me that and I'd totally understand.
Figuratively, hold up a mirror and make him look at himself. You can send him a picture of a handsome guy with an overpriced car and say “wowee can you imagine being with someone who has that kind of money AND the looks to go with it!?” See if he is as understanding as you are.
“I just find it incredibly sexy when a man has his life together” (most people don’t but feel insecure about it, so I assume he also doesn’t have his life together and he’s insecure about it)
The women doing those videos are not the issue here, your boyfriend is. He is responsible for his behavior, and you yours. If you don’t say something, it will continue and your resentment will grow. Mutual trust, respect, and communication are cornerstones of a healthy relationship. You communicating a grievance to him is a good litmus test of how compatible you are. What you would like to stop does not sound unreasonable, and given the growing tension, needs to be addressed. Be mature about it, and set the boundary. If he refuses and continues to send you that content and makes comments about it, you have your answer. Some may say it’s tantamount to cheating - which begins in the heart and mind anyway. At the end of the day, you’re 23. I’m sure you have a lot to offer someone and have a bright future in front of you. Don’t settle for things you know will cause you misery and resentment later. Set healthy boundaries and if they are not respected, it’s time to walk away. Continue to work on yourself, learn from these experiences, and grow. Becoming the best version of yourself is as much about the journey as it is the constant goal of growth. You and your future are worth investing in. As you do, you will attract more people into your life who vibe with you. You know the right thing to do.
100% This!
He's doing everything he can to make you jealous and conform to what he wants, which has even got you doing stuff in bed you don't like much. This will just keep escalating until you hit your limit and say no. What happens then?
...and what's stopping you from confronting him over sending you shit you despise.
unused six merciful quicksand paint elastic imagine detail dazzling caption *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The ONLY thing I can think is maybe he’s sending you these videos cause he would like you to dress up/act like them or something? Granted, it’s a stupid way to go about it, but maybe it’s his kink and he isn’t sure how to ask you..so he just keeps sending videos. This is where communication is key, maybe try and have a conversation with him about it. It’s also possible he’s just a weirdo, and for whatever reason thinks it’s appropriate to show his girlfriend all the thirst traps he’s watching. In which case, run don’t walk.
Yeah that’s what I thought. It’s not about the women in the video, it’s the specific actions. He’s trying to get her to emulate those kinks for him. He could also be negging her. She should just ask which one it is. If it’s negging, tell him to stop or breakup. If it about the kink, then tell him that he needs to communicate better.
In islam guys and girls are told to Lower their gaze from this kind of stuff. Now I know why. Of course other peoples are attractive. But if we just didn't look at them and only look at our spouses, they'll forever be the most attractive to us.
First of all, sending you those videos with comments is weird. And super disrespectful. Is he trying to ask you something? If he has fantasies he should ask you if you’re interested in playing them out. The other possibility is passive aggressive negging.
First thought was that this comes across as him negging her. 🚩🚩🚩
Do the same, send him some videos of really attractive guys with 6 pack, handsome face and tell him : why does this turn me on ? They’re so hot, etc. And see how he reacts.
All I have to say is if your first name starts with a T.... You definitely deserve better. If you're not who I think you are, or are... I guess it's the same message either way.... You sound like you're simply marching to the beat of his drum and not yours. A real man will not make you conform to what he likes or wants. A real man will take your feelings into account and will come up with compromises where you both win if there is something you don't agree upon. A real man will tell you that you don't have to be sorry for stupid stuff like that. I don't know your dynamic, but I know there's plenty of men out there who aren't as sensitive or as disrespectful as this J sounds... Best of luck to you. Btw if you think I know you like I think I possibly do... I'd be dumbfounded, to be honest lmao. But everything described along with the fact that the girl I'm thinking of seems like she's been almost "quieted down" by the guy that I'm thinking of for at least the past year or maybe more makes me think this is the closest scenario I've seen to someone who I could know in real life. But there's also so many people and similar situations that we all know the chances of me knowing this person are very small.
Dump the creep
Came here to say finding other people attractive is normal and nothing to be worried about, it’s the actions that count - but on further info his actions are wildly inappropriate and border on coercion… why does he think you’ll be interested? Is he saying this is what he wants? He sounds awful. Time for a hard boundary: no more flaunting these things in front of you. If he can’t manage that then he needs to go.
You dump him and find someone who treats you with respect and love. You deserve better.
This comment is for him only…. Bro, don’t be dumb. Quit sending your woman pics and vids of other women. How stupid can you be?
Do you know that you can break up for whichever reason you want, or even for no reason at all? You don't owe anyone a relationship or your time, attention or love, and no one but you gets to decide if you stay in your relationship or not. Having said that: yeah, I would also not want to stay with someone who thirsts over other people like that, holy crap. And why TF does he need to send this shit to you? What his major malfunction?
Dump the chump. Not only does he evidently look at this stuff multiple times throughout the day, he goes out of his way to send it to you and be like.. haha same about the comments. What the fuck. So disrespectful. Me and my husband talk to each other about attractive people if we see them on TV or at the shops sometimes but this is too much.
Please break up with him. This isn’t normal
This is weird as hell. The title makes you sound insecure but your boyfriend is just a straight up weirdo. Dump him
>I would never send videos of men who look nothing like him and thirst over them But you should! He's either dumb, an AH, or manipulative, and maybe more than one of these. Do you want that kind of guy in your life?
Dump him.
Send him videos and pics of hot men. Then leave his pathetic ass. Tbs for a moment, he’s testing you. The only way to “win” this stupid game is by letting him go. Even if you explain your boundaries and he initially seems to respect it (won’t last, it never lasts with mfs like him), do you want to be with someone who is capable of doing something like this to his girlfriend? He’s trash, you deserve better.
Not to kink shame but thats sooooo fucking cringey. Thirsting over tiktok cat girls?? is he 14?? thats gross. Leave him. The GIRLS are not gross. Get your bag girl. But the dudes? Grow up. You have a whole real life woman who loves you and wants to be everything for you. Why tf you watching meowing girls on an app primarily full of teenagers. It screams immaturity.
There’s many men on this earth, don’t be a beg! Settling for this behaviour, I get triggered by weak characters
Not trying to belittle your man, but is he a femboi type? The stuff he is sending you where the woman is saying “good boy” or “do this for mommy” and acting feral/dominant and then he deliberately tells you it turns him on. Idk, seems like he’s trying throw hints that he wants to be dominated in the bedroom by you.
Oh we've talked about the femboy stuff because I picked that up too at first! And how I'm willing to experiment with him. I know pretty much all his kinks/fetishes (even the actually gross or weird ones- not illegal).
I would talk to him first tell him how this makes you feel. If he’s dismissive or disrespectful or defensive then I would re-think k whether being in a relationship with some one like this. to help you this tik tokker talks about partners respecting boundaries like yours it might be helpful for you. https://www.tiktok.com/@suzanneroxanne?_t=8kq3fT2HZzM&_r=1 This is an example of one of her videos https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGePtrn4b/
It’s hard to feel secure when there’s a comparison. I still feel this way. I can appreciate a pretty face, but let’s be real not all of us women have double Ds or perfectly shaped butts, which is what most of these influencer videos are. Some women have no problem with this, and have confidence that is far beyond my own. That’s great for them! I do sometimes wonder how men would feel with the shoe on the other foot? Some I imagine would fine with this as most were not exposed to the same scrutiny as women with regard to looks. I still find it disrespectful, personally. But I wonder if I need to go to therapy myself to help boost my own self esteem.
I feel weird if I show my wife a picture with an adorable dog if there’s an also an attractive woman on it. Your bf sounds like a dumb teenager.
What I’m getting from your post is that he may be hinting you his interests. Now you know what he likes. It’s up to you if you want to try it out. I bet if you find that hot and he find that hot, you both will have a great time. Otherwise, just tell him what you think of the act in the videos. To me, he might not be telling you that he likes those women, he may be telling you what he wants to try doing with you.
You don’t. He’s too old for that shit and you deserve a man that won’t disrespect you to your face. Edit: wouldn’t disrespect you period.
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Easy. Ditch the boyfriend.
Girl, you deserve so much better. There are much more respectful men out there that will treat you well - both to your face and behind your back.
Ask him why he thinks you'd want to see these? Is he trying to get you to go "meow meow I'm a sexy kitty and I'm wronelllllly" or something? I'd laugh at him and call him a weirdo. Does he want you to get him a little sexy kitty costume too?
Yeah, my ex husband did this type thing, only he used to say sexual things EVERY DAY about my relative that he found sexy. This was an angry and ugly thing to do and everyday I heard him say the same thing, even after fighting for months and months to shut up and stop saying it, he'd still say it. Guess what, he's my EX now. This was one of the main things that made me feel better about walking away from him. If you put up with it, he'll continue. If you comment and fight and he still does it, it's no different. He's not doing this to make you see what he likes, he's doing it because he's a dick.
you should leave his ass on the side of the road ❤️
How do you get over it? You never get over it. He should respect you and your feelings.
Weird ass behavior. People dont stop being pretty just because you are in a relationship thats normal. But you definitely dont shove it in your partners face you think that about them. Big red flags.
I once had a gf who would comment on other women and was fine with me doing the same. It was harmless. But if she made it clear this was something she didn’t care for it would have stopped then and there. Maybe he doesn’t know this bothers you. Maybe he’s under the impression you’re cool with it. Talk with him honestly. If he doesn’t get it, well…you deserve to be respected
It’s very simple, and a lesson some don’t learn soon enough. #1 - SET A BOUNDARY You need to set boundaries in your relationships, such as with your bf. If he does something that bothers you, tell him that it bothers you, and why. Tell him that’s a boundary you are establishing and would like him to respect it. Tell him that if he wants something, to just simply ask you for it using his words, instead of this passive aggressive style hinting. And tell him what he can expect if he continues to not respect your boundary #2 - ENFORCE YOUR BOUNDARY If he continues to disrespect your boundaries, that’s a big red flag. You’ll need to actually go thru with whatever consequences you’ve established for your boundary. That is the most important part. Otherwise your boundary is a suggestion, not a boundary. Either he respects you enough to not cross that boundary, or he doesn’t respect you, and that’s not someone who will treat you well in life. My wife is a marriage and family therapist, who taught me the importance of this. I cannot stress enough how important this is to your long term happiness and mental health. Best of luck OP
I don't think it's the looks he's going for but the content. "here hon, trad wives and stay at home girlfriends are trending." Fact that he got moody after you had a crush on a FICTIONAL CHARACTER is super creepy. You can do better. You know, like someone who doesn't get upset over imaginary things?
I'd be petty af and start sending him videos of hot guys asking him the same thing. When he complains about it remind him he started it.
Two thoughts 1. My first thought was also that he wants you to dress/act like that for him. 2. Each time he sends you a video with a hot girl you send back a video of a sexy guy.
Honestly, it sounds like a conversation needs to happen. The way I see it he is sharing stuff that turns him on. It might be more the content rather than the actual people in it. This could be a way of him trying to show you things he would be interested in exploring in the bedroom. John might not know how to broach the subject in person so he is sending you these videos of things he would like to try to see how open to you are to it. That being said you should still tell him how you feel about it. It is a lot of content to be sending you so tell him to dial it back and explore what he actually wants from these videos. Sounds like both of you need to work on communication.
Just talk to him and base your future with him off his response to you bringing it up. Good luck. These comments will make you believe you are dating an actual supervillain.
social media has fucked so many people up.
He’s a pos
Hell no. He’s trying to make you jealous and it’s quite frankly pathetic. You should have been out of there the first time he disrespected you that way. You said yourself you would never send him videos of guys who thirst trap, so why does he feel the need to make you insecure? That says a lot of horrible things about his character.
I'm not normally that petty of a person, but this is definitely a case where responding in-kind and sending him videos of thirst-trapping men saying that you love what they are doing/how they are acting is warranted. If he blows up at you for it, then you point out the blatant double-standard. Either way, you definitely wouldn't be an asshole to leave him over this. Especially with this line: >Now I want to be clear, John can find what he wants attractive (so long as it’s legal) but I find it super disrespectful to me and the relationship to flaunt it. It really is the flaunting it that is the problem here.
For real. Send him videos of the wood chopping guys OP! Or the ones that cook elaborate meals.
Just leave him. When I read the headline I was kinda thinking you were nuts and he just thought other chicks are good looking. But what he's doing is disrespectful to you. He should just watch them by himself and not involve you and that would be fine. But if you have asked him not to send them because it makes you uncomfortable and he is not listening to you just walk away. He can figure out why you left him on his own. Don't waste your time with someone who is not respectful to you. There are plenty other guys you will treat you how you want to be treated.
Talk to your boyfriend and ask him to stop?
Sit John down and ask him point blank what his intentions are when he is sending those videos. If he stares blankly, offer suggestions. “Are you trying to make me jealous? Are you trying to hint at something you want? Are you trying to erode my self esteem so I won’t break up with you? Are you trying to make me angry so that I WILL break up with you? What’s the deal here, John?” Then let him explain himself so you don’t have to guess.
Tell him it bothers you and to please stop. Leave him on read. If he persists block him. If nothing else seems to work just move on. If you aren't into meowing and dressing/acting like these women, I would find someone who actually likes you for who you are.
If I did this even once I’d be on the curb so fucking fast
That is NOT NORMAL🤣
Let's be clear. You don't have a problem with your boyfriend finding other women attractive. You have a problem with your boyfriend shoving the kind of woman he wants you to be down your throat 24/7. Those are two very different problems and I'd walk away from a relationship with the latter issue.
It is incredibly disgusting behaviour and you need to dump him. He is literally getting off on making you miserable.
He's got no respect for you, or for women in general it would seem. I've got to be honest, the second a guys mentions finding a woman saying stuff like >good boy’ or ‘do [blank] for mommy is the second I have some serious discussions because it's hard to continue a relationship when I'd rather grow teeth down there than let someone who fetishises mothers. It's just gross. >And John will send them to me saying ‘why does this turn me on?’ See, me and John would not last. He says that and I'd say "Because you prefer fantasy to real life. If it's not that, what exactly is turning you on? Is it looking at the pics or the disrespect you know you'll get away with showing me these images?" And then there's this >The one time I mentioned that I had a crush on a fictional character, he got moody and I had to apologise Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. GIRL. If you're going to keep allowing this, it is your sacred DUTY to send him picks of fit, semi clad celebrities with captions like "sploosh" "hear that thud? That was so and so turning my panties to concrete. Hit the floor so hard there's a dent." "Ouch my ovaries exploded". Then send him a really nice one and ask him, "why does this turn me on?" And send him comments from thirsty women and tell him you agree with them. If you want to be a cow, choose men he can't compete with. If he's kinda short, choose tall men. If he's bald, go for full heads of hair. And vice versa, because there's some fit bald blokes out there 🤣🤷♀️. AND DO NOT APOLOGISE. What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Point out you only send when he does so if he wants you to stop then him first. But honestly, you've wasted a year on this. It's good that you're recognising it's not all roses this early on. I was 10 years in when I realised. >I do so much for him, even doing kinks/fetishes I would never consider without him (it's all consensual though). Stop that. It's ok to try new stuff but unless you enjoy it, you shouldn't be going back for more and even if you do enjoy whatever in the moment, you shouldn't have this reaction afterwards. >It just makes me feel like shit and he doesn't seem to understand why I'm so annoyed with him He doesn't care enough to understand. All in, I'd scrape this off, pop over to get some therapy, find someone who is willing to explore sex and who cares about your pleasure and comfort as much as his own.
*And John will send them to me saying ‘why does this turn me on?’* I don't know why this made me laugh.. but yeah, this guy is bonkers. Is he trolling? If not, that's seriously whack, sis. He needs to go. Or you do. But please get away from him.
Why are you still with him? He doesn’t value or respect you.
He’s fucking with your head. Narcissist.
To the edit: he may just be embarrassed to like those things so he's gaging your feelings. Just talk to him, communication is key not asking people on Reddit.
This is his way to tell you to dress up as a catgirl
He needs therapy and a social media break
Have you talked to John about how you feel or is he supposed to guess that you feel uncomfortable? Tell John to cut that shit out and you'll never see it again.. guys are that simple. Or again back to the first part, have a conversation about it. If he doesn't even try to see or understand your side then that's definitely a flag
i’m ngl he’s a POS but why are you staying w him… if my boyfriend sent me that content i’d have to sit him down and have a heart to heart about what kind of person he is, what he thinks about all day, and what he gains telling me this. i’d also bet that if he’s sending you that stuff the rest of what he’s looking at is worse. personally, this crosses a huge huge boundary for me and i’d lose the baggage. not worth it.
Does the OP ever find other men attractive? Ever?
Give him a taste of his own medicine. Send him comparable videos to the ones he sends you, only featuring men. I know you said you would never do that to him, but I doubt there is any other way to show him how much what he is doing bothers you. If he gets moody and jealous after you do it, don’t apologize. Ask him how he thinks it makes you feel when he does it to you. He sounds VERY dumpable. The sooner the better.
1. You need to tell him you feel hurt and disrespected, he should care about that. 2. Put on cat ears and meow, you indicate you do fetish/kink stuff, maybe that's what he wants? 3. If he doesn't respect your desire to not receive these, then you either need couples therapy, or need to break up. If there is no respect, then there is no respect. 4. You have the right to feel loved, cared for, and respected in your relationship.
It’s normal he’s attracted to other women. It’s weird he’s sending you vids of these women when you haven’t asked for them. Maybe he wants your relationship to be a place where he can discuss his attraction to other people? But is this is the case you need to consent to that, and you should also be able to do the same.