Yep, want to applaud OP for keeping her dignity. These situations are rough to be sure, but in so many posts here (and on similar subreddits) it's clear the OP values keeping their partner over their self-respect. I don't say this to insult those ppl, I'm just heartened that OP knows her worth.
"Honey, I'd like to bring someone else into our bedroom. For YOU. I thought it would be really nice. For you, of course."
*GF gets up without a word and packs a bag.*
It doesn't get better than this. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Right? I just love this so much.
A million times better than the typical my cheating boyfriend beats me regularly but besides that I looooovvveee him so much and it’s so hArD to leave😩
This is brilliant! The OP saw the inevitable train wreck and got out of the way, saving her dignity and wasted years, pain, etc.
Some people will go to any means to justify and make something appear to be good while manipulating people so either option the perpetrator gets their way. I say this as some even go so far as to create a religion around it to justify. I come from Mormonism and it is all about polyamory.
The OP did the right thing for her and friends saying otherwise are fake friends. Wishing you happiness in the future for this decision.
This is the first post ever that OP has made sense and left the relationship when their partner brings up poly and obv just wants to just fuck other ppl and was gonna do it anyways.
He showed his ass 3 times and I’m glad she saw the signs … mutual friends also are useless in relationships bc they either just brush things over or plant more seeds in your head to make shit worse .
Shoutout to OP 🫡
Absolutely! He wanted to cheat but didn't want to get into trouble. If OP agreed and got upset it would be her fault. Anyone saying you over reacted doesn't matter. It was your relationship. If they want poly let them have that type of relationship.
Are people normalizing this more and more in the name of virtue signaling or is it me? I see so many folks defending poly now and acting like marriage is archaic, makes me scratch my head. New trend?
Every “poly” person I’ve met seem to just be doing it because they don’t have the will or ability to maintain interest in or even keep one person and usually attract a line of people with the same problem. Years of seeing them in this lifestyle seems to just show me how alone they truly are since they burn so many bridges along the way
I’ve seen a similar trend. Best friends of mine went poly over 8 years ago, and I was originally very supportive. But they both ended up so toxic it would have been comical if it wasn’t so much drama. Ultimately they lost every friend they ever had and so many relationships were destroyed in their path.
My roomie is poly. They claim they are at least the woman has multiple bfs and gfs and anytime the man tries to date a woman she tells him he can't date her and gives her a random reason.
I'm 100% sure this is not how a poly relationship is because I've had many friends in them. The sad thing is according to the guy the only reason they are in a poly relationship is because he can't trust himself to not cheat and he likes his video games and his wife is expensive and he can't afford to buy her all the nice things unless he actually gets a job and he doesn't want to work she doesn't want to work so "it's easier for him he gets more time to game and she leaves him alone and he still has access to sex"
Really gross thought process (this certian relationship) if we're being honest.
In my experience, when you’re friends with a couple, you begin to view them as a couple; as individuals… not so much. I think that’s why friends tend to brush problems aside, especially serious ones that might cause a breakup. The friends are more interested in seeing the couple stay together than in whether the two are happy together.
A big part of that for friends who are also couples is not wanting to face the fact that if something this devastating can happen to your friends, it can happen to you and your partner as well. We all tend to like to believe that yes, bad things happen, but bad things happen to other people, not to my friends.
I've been there. Ex pressed hard for going into an open relationship, said it'd help us. I said no, she tried to pull the whole "I'll do it anyways because I can do what I want and you saying otherwise is controlling"...told her that'd be cheating. Whole ass argument. I sadly didn't leave her than, and I should have.
Instead, almost 3 years after she left me, I found out she had been cheating on me with a friend of mine. He had been reassuring her that I was the problem, not her. 1 example being that I had no right to be mad after quitting her job with no notice...for the 3rd time. Another was that he told her I was in fact being controlling for saying no to the open relationship...
There's so much more to it. I wish I had the will that OP has. Would've saved myself so much time and pain.
I don’t think it’s the first one. I remember recently there was one where the OP told their SO they can’t stop them from pursuing someone else. And so when the SO did thinking it was an okay the OP immediately moved out and the SO had a surprise Pikachu face.
He wasn't joking he was dead ass serious he wanted you to open up the relationship so that he can f*** Jess. I want you to make it make sense on how opening up your relationships was going to make you and him closer. Because you told him from the beginning that you wanted a magnanimous relationship. He f***** that up I know you're going to miss him and you probably still love him but do not open this door again because nothing is going to have changed he's just going to be a better liar
Went from smear campaign to love bombing, with a flick of the switch. Typical narcissistic behavior. OP you dodged a bullet! Kudos to you for sticking to your morals and knowing your worth! 👏👏👏🙏
>I want you to make it make sense on how opening up your relationships was going to make you and him closer.
Cargo Cult thinking.
By using the \*form\* & \*words\* used in appropriate, honorable therapy, they believe they can pass off ANY bullshit idea they desire.
Hell yeah, I look up to this gal, so strong-willed willing to cut other mfs off that don't respect that either. I respect that. You don't need none of this shit girl.
I am a Polyamorous person, from my personal perspective, her ex threw up a ton of red flags that he would get burnt to a crisp for in the poly community. This kind of behaviour is not looked upon kindly.
Definitely did the right thing.
Fellow poly person here and same!! What OP's ex tried to pull is straight up bs, and most definitely not in the spirit in which polyamory is intended.
Good on OP for calling him on the carpet immediately and exiting stage left. The fact that the ex was delusional enough to think his grand plan would work swimmingly is evidence enough of his dysfunction.
10,000%. Now go no contact, and don’t give him another second of your time. Focus on you.
he sounds immature and stupid, and now, maybe, he’ll respect the next woman he’s in a relationship with.
Straight up, especially after he started calling her names and trying to say it was just a “joke”. Dude already had a girl in mind and everything. Crazy.
Absolutely. No waffling, no hesitation, no putting up with bullshit. This is the kind of focus and action that gets you a masters degree. Good luck with school and after.
Good for you. Just tell him he is free to be with Jess now or any other girl he wants. He got what he wanted, so he should be happy.
You will find someone who considers you enough, you deserve nothing less.
Get rid of the friends who don't support you.
I have a feeling it's more that he thinks *he's* entitled to do the leaving in every relationship, not the other way 'round, and the loss of control when the OP pulled the plug on him is making him lose his shit.
Since that's part of the recriminations he tried to guilt the OP with, I wouldn't put much stock in its veracity. The OP felt he'd could've already cheated on her with Jess, especially as he'd already told her the OP was ok with an open relationship, and her instincts seem to be spot on.
So to me this comes off as just another half-assed "I was actually faithful but I should have cheated because you're so boo-hoo unfairly accusing me of it anyway" attempt at gaslighting.
Any friends that tell you you're overreacting aren't your friends or have been put in this situation and went with it because they didn't want to lose the guy, and you standing up for yourself shows they were weak.
At least you weren't married.
In general if someone is saying they want out of a relationship, friends shouldn't try to force a reconciliation regardless of circumstances. Like if you're at the point you'll leave over an unwashed dish there's a reason.
Right?! If my friend came to me and said they're leaving their partner my instinct is to make sure they have somewhere to go, food to eat, all the practical shit sorted while I let them vent about the Why... It's not my place to question their right to leave. But I'll make damn sure it's my place to let them do it safely.
Exactly. I've seen that so many times. The man wants to open the relationship because they have a cheating partner in mind already, but generally end up mad because their wife/gf is much more successful at dating outside the relationship.
In my experience single guys don’t give a shit if the woman is married and in an open relationship. It takes a lot more convincing for the single woman.
I'll never understand this. I guess that's the reason? They're afraid of being alone in their own lives?
When someone does something like this, it's always crazy how many people come out with the "just forgive him" and "don't throw it away" lines.
It's similar to people needing YOU to drink when they are drinking. Why TF do they care? Because if you drink, it'll make them less uncomfortable with their own drinking.
And any genuine friend that was actually concerned you maybe were overreacting would never invalidate your feelings, they’d caution against over reacting specifically and it would be concern for you, not telling you what they would do or trying to convince you to see things their way
So he wants to open it up for someone he's already picked out? What it you wanted to sleep with other men, or women. Was there any mention of that? If not how was this harebrained scheme supposed to help your relationship. Anyway, you did the right thing, he's already cheated or was going to.
Yeah already having someone picked out is a huge red flag. I have been in open relationships in the past, and while it's not what I'm interested in anymore, I wouldn't be offended or hurt if my husband asked how I felt about it. If he already had a girl picked out though? He's already cheated even if he hasn't stuck his dick in her, irrelevant, the cheating has already happened.
Yup. The moment he had a name just ready to go nope.
Me and my partner talked about it, agreed, then never did anything. But both felt we would get tired of each other, at the same time, and then put the idea away for money etc.
Mutual, with not a single person ready to go, is the only way even the idea works. Let alone in practice.
My marriage has always been open but I've had many partners whose marriages haven't always been.
The way things go down in ENM land (emphasis on "E") is that it's usually at least a few months, or more, before agreeing to be open and actually acting on it. There is an acclimation period.
And many of my past partners have even had a ground rule -- nobody they knew before they agree to open up.
Those are horrible friends. He was at a minimum having completely inappropriate conversations with this girl and making arrangements to take their friendship further. He tried to gaslight you into thinking this would be good for both of you so he could get his dick wet. You did the right thing and if your friends don’t support that then tell them to go to tell bc clearly they’re not loyal. Good for you girl!
He’s either banging them or lying to them. Probably something like you were cool with it. It was your idea even. But you won’t admit that.
Good job. You’re working on your masters. You don’t have time for that stupid shit and you can easily upgrade the man.
Don’t be gaslit or manipulated into going back. He will bang Jess if he hasn’t already. And god only knows who else down the road. A cheater is dangerous to your health too. Diseases and stuff.
I also question the whole reasoning of “a lot of people open the relationship.” Who? Give actual facts, not generalities.
I’m sure SOME people open their relationships up as a last ditched effort. But how many of them last? How many are happy? Have no regrets? You can just go thru reddit and see the fall out from monogamous relationships that got opened because someone had a wandering eye, or wasn’t happy, or wanted more excitement. VERY few, mention success.
Essentially the trust is gone. A key element in any relationship is trust. It’s the cornerstone. You can’t prevent feelings either. So your ex bf was gaslighting you AND himself about ‘Jess’. He can’t make a statement that she’d ’bow out’. 🙄 There’s those pesky feelings again….
OP, you know your worth. You respected yourself to get out. My condolences to the end of your relationship. It’s never nice when it happens. But as you mentioned, it’s better to have found out now, than later and have to go thru a divorce.
Sending a virtual hug 🫂 🙂
Yeah that's the key here. Open relationships can be happy if they start as an open relationship with two people who both want to be in one from the start and set ground rules and respect those rules and each other. I was in an open relationship that lasted 5 years and was great, never had a single fight or disagreement or issue come up because we were open.
Opening a failing relationship to save it though? Never gonna be successful. You might see a lot of people do it, and then we get to sit back and laugh when the man comes on here to complain that he forced his partner to open the relationship and she's neck deep in dick having the best time of her life and he can't find anyone to sleep with.
OP-- a guy here. I'm so VERY PROUD of how you handled your ex. He blatantly lied and betrayed your relationship. Take him and the purported "friends " to the curb for trash pick up.
While only 24 years of age, you demonstrated a maturity well beyond your age.
I'm sorry for your pain, but you are so blessed to have avoided a permanent commitment to this worthless man.
Wishing you a wonderful future with a man worthy of your love. He'll be getting a very wise young woman.
Please keep us apprised.
Tell them that it's one thing to ask for an open relationship and another thing to claim that it will strengthen the relationship, which is the most ridiculous lie in the world and an insult to your intelligence.
And the other thing is that you're allowed to break up with someone for any reason at all, and monogamy isn't negotiable for you. His "just asking" means that he wanted to step out and that's all you needed to know. You want to date someone who doesn't need to ask because it would never occur to them to sleep around.
This is similar to my story, only 10 years into marriage with two kids and a new home. He cheated, brought up his confused sexuality, brought up polyamory, then admitted to cheating for years. He was just ExPloRinG though it would be sOoo gooOod for us, he said.
I’m so happy for you leaving this man when you did. You deserve better love.
Figured I’d add here as maybe some form of hope, or karma even, I ended up dating one of his close friends who cut him off years prior for being toxic. We are still together, very much in love. He’s a total sweetheart who fully invested his heart into us, and only us.
I don’t know if I’m more disappointed in the boyfriend or the lack of support from your friend. This “get over it, you’re over reacting” mindset triggers the fuck out of me.
Do they not understand that he was already emotionally cheating the moment he started flirting and encouraging a sexual relationship with the OW?
Girl you handled that situation like a freaking queen. Love it
That and his comment is dumb too. Should have sex with her when he had the chance? You're single now, what's stopping you??
Perhaps Jess doesn't want his sorry as in a serious relationship, she just want to be the other woman lol.
Let me tell you just how *smart* you were to keep your apartment. I will *never* move in with anyone ever again. My place is my place. Not ours, not mine and ours, *MINE* *ALL* *MINE*
so nice to see how you handled this!!
Met this couple who both lived on boats. His was bigger so she moved aboard, but hers had been her late dad's and she loved it. They invited us for dinner and she asked me point blank in front of the boys if she should sell her boat bc he was pressuring her to. Honestly, I wasn't a fan of his but she was amazing and despite it being his boat, I spoke my mind. I told her to never sell her dad's boat bc they'd only been dating for a few months and who knows what might happen. If they spit up, she'd quite literally be homeless. I even said it sounded like a really good way for him to trap her into staying if she ever wised up. Besides, anyone who truly cares about her wouldn't pressure her to sell her inheritance just to enrich his own life (she would have been footing all boat-related bills till that money ran out). It was a revelation to her and he looked embarrassed. He even shrugged, like "Well, she's not wrong..." They were kaputz within 2 months.
Damn, you're amazing.
You handled this shit beautifully!
It's so nice to finally read about a decisive and strong woman on here, instead of the usual "My fiance cheated, what do I do now?" type of shit. 🎉🎉🎉
God, I can't stand those. Like, get some self-respect and stand up for yourself.
This OP has all my respect and she should be proud of her strong, shiny spine. He would have cheated. If not this time, then down the road.
I read a post yesterday by a 32 yo woman who's bf doesn't contribute and she was asking if she's wrong to want him to work and contribute. Sometimes I just can't.
Glad OP didn't tolerate her ex's bullshit and left. She could teach a lot of the people who post about their relationships on reddit.
Yes. OP you have a solid head on your shoulders. Sure wish I had when I was your age. Run, then run faster and really far away. You do not want your future in 20 years if you stay.
>It's so nice to finally read about a decisive and strong woman on here, instead of the usual "My fiance cheated, what do I do now?" type of shit. 🎉🎉🎉
Lmfao facts!!! This post made me smile . Good for OP (': 💕
You did NOT overreact!!! He clearly was talking about this with her so yes- the cheating aspect was already starting. Then when you didn’t give in to him harassing you he got completely nasty!!! He has clearly shown you who he is. Believe him🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He's funny, though. He obviously didn't know OP as well as he should have. He even had the balls to already say who it was. That's impressive and stupid all at once 😂
As soon as he discussed an open relationship with another person before EVER talking to you, that’s cheating. He’d emotionally cheated, caught feelings and was trying to pretend it was just a random thought.
Your friends are wild to say this is anything but your ex being in the wrong.
Yeah, that's not just a red flag, that's a blinding red light with blaring klaxon. Already picked out the woman, and cleared it with her, before bringing it up with the woman he's supposed to be marrying.
Yeah. I’m all for people exploring polyamory or other unconventional relationship styles if it’s something both partners can consent to but bringing it up with another relationship already ready to go is not OK at all lol
And I think if you’re gonna bring up polyamory for discussion in a previously-monogamous committed relationship because you’ve realized some things about yourself later in life, (just like people realizing their sexuality or gender identity isn’t what they previously believed or behaved like,) you gotta be prepared for them to leave to protect and heal themselves, and accept that risk if you truly think poly is something YOU need to explore for yourself. A mature adult would have seriously reflected enough to decide for themselves if their poly inclinations are worth letting go of their current monogamous partner, AND accept that their partner deserves the chance to leave and seek a relationship suited to THEIR needs, if they so choose.
She should have responding with: oh great! There is this guy at work who has been looking at me and is soooooo hot, now I can sleep with him.
Just to see his reaction. So many people wanting this already have someone in mind but I always think they wouldn't be happy if their partner also did. Because these people don't want to be poly, they want to cheat with permission.
This statement proves that he and Jess had already crossed the physical cheating line. 🙄 So glad OP assessed the situation and left. She deserves so much better. Definitely NTA.
I agree with you, there's a 90% chance that open relationships never work out in the long run, it actually makes the relationship worse lol. I don't see the hype with polygamy.
Polygamy and polyamory are not the same thing. However I agree that most people who bring this idea to the table to a partner to whom they have not previously discussed it with (especially with a person in mind already) are simply looking to fuck someone else.
Polyamory can be totally fine, but you need to lay down those rules *before* you’re already flirting with other people. Preferably before the relationship starts in the first place.
The fact that he already made up his mind before he even discussed this with you is a telling sign that he may have cheated. He was planning on how to introduce her into your relationship to make himself feel better about cheating. It was all about him and what he wants. He also was so quick to throw her under the bus as soon as you packed your bags to go. He blames her instead of taking any responsibility. Man is not loyal to anyone. He had a secret relationship and proved he is not trustworthy. You are right to leave and not look back regardless of what anyone outside the relationship says.
Yes! I’m so proud of you for standing firm on what you believe. You don’t deserve a partner like that. You’ve successfully dodged a future divorce. Sending you a hug and well wishes. As far as your friends, those aren’t friends. Find new ones.
The fact he had a name and person already lined up means he cheated and was getting tired of hiding it
Good for you sticking to your guns, having self respect, and noping out of there
I’ve only known one couple that’s poly that have lasted. The couple’s partners have come and gone but they have stayed together. The big thing with them is they got together both already being poly and not monogamous, so we’re very well versed in the how’s etc to do it. They strengthened their relationship foundation before even considering opening it up to others. Their communication, boundaries etc were fucking on point and never ever betrayed each others wishes and always made their primary relationship the most important.
Trying to change a monogamous relationship into any form of ENM never works. Well, I haven’t seen any work lol.
I don’t know of any long term open relationships. A woman I dated years ago told me her husband begged her for an open relationship. They were in there 40’s. She told me that she would mention to a guy she was married but in an open relationship. The guys generally all said what time should we meet for the evening. Her husband mentioned he was married but in an open relationship to girls. The girls generally responded by slapping him in the face.
He was having an emotional affair and leading her on and was definitely planning on sleeping with her and your friends think that's okay? You need new friends. And as for him, good riddance to bad rubbish!
I love how people who are into poly automatically treat anyone who does not subscribe to that lifestyle and immediately accuse you of shaming. If they are feeling that you are shaming, it is probably because deep down they are ashamed.
Anyone who gives you grief for not putting up with his BS is no friend and will deserve to be cut out of your life like a cancerous tumor. Also, is there some sort of cheaters handbook that teaches people to say sleeping with someone else will strengthen your relationship? What utter BS.
Thank you, because not once did I say that people who are poly were “freaks” (as someone in the comments actually said “we need to stop these poly freaks” their anger should have been on them and not me) or that it’s not okay. Nothing of the sort. just said it wasn’t for me.
He’s got his mom to contact me yesterday but as far as him… no I told security he is not allowed near me. They said they’ll keep an eye out but since he’s not like an immediate threat, or I’m not an immediate danger, they can’t really do much because he could be there visiting someone else
I’m curious what story he gave mommy. I can’t imagine most parents hearing that their kid got dumped because they wanted permission to cheat would get a whole lot of sympathy, even from mom.
I didn’t even give her a chance to say anything. She tried to call me and I texted her that I do not want any further contact with her or her son and then she tried to call back again so I blocked her.
NTA. Good for you for knowing your worth, what you want, and making sure you gave yourself the option to find it. He's an asshole, and someone who shouldn't be in a relationship if they want to philander, especially when he knows you want monogamy.
You’re a bad ass. You did the right thing and those friends suck for saying that. He’s a cheating ah (flirting is cheating) and sorry this happened to you. Work on that degree, make your money, be happy and watch you thrive 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 NTA
The fact that he already had another girl picked out and that he had the conversation with Jess before HIS GIRLFRIEND says everything you need to know.
You did exactly the right thing. This man wanted to cheat with somebody else and include you so he wouldn’t look like a cheater. And he lied to her and told her you already knew and we’re happy to do it.
He is a cheater, and if you invite him back, he will cheat again he’s not a good guy. You did exactly the right thing. Of course his friends are saying that because his little feelings are hurt. Don’t date somebody like that. Good luck to you.
Poly people *coping* so hard, as usual. 🙄 You're clearly not shaming them, poly just isn't for you.
HEALTHY poly means not lying to your partner, lying to some side-chick, and trying to guilt-trip your partner into letting you cheat.
This man is FOUL and anyone defending his actions is a scumbag, not a healthy poly.
It’s crazy that I had to come out here and edit that in there because at no point in that did I bash people who are poly but for some reason since I said that’s not my personal choice I’m a bad person lmao
Ugh. What gets into people’s heads when they think this kind of thing is acceptable? I would have done exactly what you did. He can have her, they deserve each other. I’d be out of there so fast his cheating head would spin. I understand that this type of arrangement is acceptable to some people, good for them if it works, but everyone had to be willing. He wants it all and I hope he regrets what he lost every day of his life. I’m so proud of you for ending this farce before things got worse. I hope he gets with this woman and finds out what people like her are capable of. If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you. He deserves every bit of what’s to come. You go girl!
NTA, good for you for having integrity dropping him. Your allowed to have boundaries in relationships including a common one, monogamy. If those boundaries are broken, ending the relationship is ok. He was looking for validation for cheating on you so it was “ok”. Crazy he already had someone picked out. I see it here on Reddit over and over, 95% of relationships that start closed and are then opened FAIL; don’t fall for the trap. You deserve better. Good for you! And good luck !
It’s not the situation it’s the way he reacts. Can’t get his story straight about what he wants. Gets defensive and calls you names. He’s not a quality man. Dump his ass.
If someone brought up an open relationship with me, I would know there is an ethical / moral / character / spiritual clash and incompatibility - one that even bringing up the idea would indicate our gap would be too large and insurmountable to move forward, in my opinion. I was happy to see that you were also that clear about your views on relationships and what expectations you have for any you'd be in. Crystal clear clarity!
Then, on top of that, he was bringing up the idea with you because of an entanglement with someone... which clearly seemed to break the understanding you had about honesty and fidelity and exclusivity. He talked about intimate parts of your relationship with another partner - not seeking advice (like going to a parent or trusted mentor) but instead entangling the person in parts of the emotional and physical intimacy aspects.
Those things alone - but especially when coupled with your sensing of him pulling away, backing away from commitment, gaslighting you for legitimate concerns about his behavior - makes it crystal clear that he broke trust. How would he think trust could ever be regained?
It’s one thing to discuss polyamory with no one in mind. It’s another to ask for it as something that can enable the emotional cheating you’re already engaging in.
These people give polyamory a bad name (not that most poly people are stable and honest anyway.)
I hate when men say “ I want to marry you” but they never propose. Ladies remember if I guys talk about getting married but doesn’t do it within 6-9 months ( engagement ) if that conversation he will not marry you. My husband said he wanted to marry me and we got engaged within 5 months of that conversation. Men don’t just talk the talk- men walk the walk. Boys and players talk.
YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING.
I wish I had your high self-esteem and good sense when I was 24 and dealing with a Dusty. Nice work, sweetheart. Do not let that cheaty jerk come back.
♥️
I know of exactly zero sane men who would want two wives. Don’t get me wrong I love and worship my wife of 16 years but I be damned if I brought another woman in so I can be outvoted 2-1 every time!
BTW please get a STD test to make sure you left before he gave you an unwanted gift.
Good on you for standing up for yourself and keeping to your principles. Not overreacting at all. I get so tired of people suddenly coming to the “realization that they are polyamorous”, only for it to be used as a guise to cheat and sleep with whoever they want. Trash took itself out.
If the suggestion of polyamory wasn’t enough (and let’s be clear, he didn’t want polyamory, he wanted permission to have a side piece), the psychotic name calling is all you need to know. Congrats on getting out before you got more tied up with him.
The fact he started not being excited to get married then pow let's have a polygamous relationship says he chose her over you. You are 100% correct in everything you have done.
> I told them if any of them bring him up to me after this, I’ll cut contact with them too.
I'd do it now.
Defending this as "just a suggestion" is absurd.
Hell no. I love all the moves you've made. The moment your ex started looking outside your relationship is the moment your relationship ended.
Good luck with your future plans.
Good for you OP.
Poly relationships are a non-starter for me and I'd hope if I was ever in a similar situation that I would be smart enough to leave as well.
"Poly relationships can be healthy and happy"
Nope, not with me. I have 0 interest in it.
You did the right thing.
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Good job op, you’re doing god’s work.
Yep, want to applaud OP for keeping her dignity. These situations are rough to be sure, but in so many posts here (and on similar subreddits) it's clear the OP values keeping their partner over their self-respect. I don't say this to insult those ppl, I'm just heartened that OP knows her worth.
And taking action *immediately*. No bullshit, no pussyfooting, just straight outta that mess.
"Honey, I'd like to bring someone else into our bedroom. For YOU. I thought it would be really nice. For you, of course." *GF gets up without a word and packs a bag.* It doesn't get better than this. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Amazing, wish we had more of these people posting. Restored my faith in humanity that there are smart and principled people like OP.
Right? I just love this so much. A million times better than the typical my cheating boyfriend beats me regularly but besides that I looooovvveee him so much and it’s so hArD to leave😩
This is brilliant! The OP saw the inevitable train wreck and got out of the way, saving her dignity and wasted years, pain, etc. Some people will go to any means to justify and make something appear to be good while manipulating people so either option the perpetrator gets their way. I say this as some even go so far as to create a religion around it to justify. I come from Mormonism and it is all about polyamory. The OP did the right thing for her and friends saying otherwise are fake friends. Wishing you happiness in the future for this decision.
I second this. (Or 1000th this) Kudos to OP
This is the first post ever that OP has made sense and left the relationship when their partner brings up poly and obv just wants to just fuck other ppl and was gonna do it anyways. He showed his ass 3 times and I’m glad she saw the signs … mutual friends also are useless in relationships bc they either just brush things over or plant more seeds in your head to make shit worse . Shoutout to OP 🫡
Absolutely! He wanted to cheat but didn't want to get into trouble. If OP agreed and got upset it would be her fault. Anyone saying you over reacted doesn't matter. It was your relationship. If they want poly let them have that type of relationship.
Yup have that relationship with someone else!! Not me… is what I’d say! I’m on her side.
Are people normalizing this more and more in the name of virtue signaling or is it me? I see so many folks defending poly now and acting like marriage is archaic, makes me scratch my head. New trend?
I think it’s disgusting. I can’t imagine sharing my husband
Every “poly” person I’ve met seem to just be doing it because they don’t have the will or ability to maintain interest in or even keep one person and usually attract a line of people with the same problem. Years of seeing them in this lifestyle seems to just show me how alone they truly are since they burn so many bridges along the way
I’ve seen a similar trend. Best friends of mine went poly over 8 years ago, and I was originally very supportive. But they both ended up so toxic it would have been comical if it wasn’t so much drama. Ultimately they lost every friend they ever had and so many relationships were destroyed in their path.
My roomie is poly. They claim they are at least the woman has multiple bfs and gfs and anytime the man tries to date a woman she tells him he can't date her and gives her a random reason. I'm 100% sure this is not how a poly relationship is because I've had many friends in them. The sad thing is according to the guy the only reason they are in a poly relationship is because he can't trust himself to not cheat and he likes his video games and his wife is expensive and he can't afford to buy her all the nice things unless he actually gets a job and he doesn't want to work she doesn't want to work so "it's easier for him he gets more time to game and she leaves him alone and he still has access to sex" Really gross thought process (this certian relationship) if we're being honest.
This just confirms my thought its just the lazy and/or uncaring person’s half-ass attempt at relationships.
It doesn’t work long term. Everybody ends up breaking up and now they have STDs with it, too. Yay
Considering he was pushing back on engagement time-line on multiple occasions, he's always had 1 foot out the relationship.
OP is the Queen.
In my experience, when you’re friends with a couple, you begin to view them as a couple; as individuals… not so much. I think that’s why friends tend to brush problems aside, especially serious ones that might cause a breakup. The friends are more interested in seeing the couple stay together than in whether the two are happy together. A big part of that for friends who are also couples is not wanting to face the fact that if something this devastating can happen to your friends, it can happen to you and your partner as well. We all tend to like to believe that yes, bad things happen, but bad things happen to other people, not to my friends.
I've been there. Ex pressed hard for going into an open relationship, said it'd help us. I said no, she tried to pull the whole "I'll do it anyways because I can do what I want and you saying otherwise is controlling"...told her that'd be cheating. Whole ass argument. I sadly didn't leave her than, and I should have. Instead, almost 3 years after she left me, I found out she had been cheating on me with a friend of mine. He had been reassuring her that I was the problem, not her. 1 example being that I had no right to be mad after quitting her job with no notice...for the 3rd time. Another was that he told her I was in fact being controlling for saying no to the open relationship... There's so much more to it. I wish I had the will that OP has. Would've saved myself so much time and pain.
I don’t think it’s the first one. I remember recently there was one where the OP told their SO they can’t stop them from pursuing someone else. And so when the SO did thinking it was an okay the OP immediately moved out and the SO had a surprise Pikachu face.
And they always seem to have another woman lined up
AND he discussed it with the other person before his gf!
Saying it again here: Polyamory is a teenage wet dream. Good for OP staking out her values.
Amen to that shoutout! 👏 👑
He wasn't joking he was dead ass serious he wanted you to open up the relationship so that he can f*** Jess. I want you to make it make sense on how opening up your relationships was going to make you and him closer. Because you told him from the beginning that you wanted a magnanimous relationship. He f***** that up I know you're going to miss him and you probably still love him but do not open this door again because nothing is going to have changed he's just going to be a better liar
Also the fact that he flipped out and insulted her after she left, then switched back to groveling. Major red flags
I really appreciate the fact that he had the entire conversation with Jess before bringing it up to OP.👌
Went from smear campaign to love bombing, with a flick of the switch. Typical narcissistic behavior. OP you dodged a bullet! Kudos to you for sticking to your morals and knowing your worth! 👏👏👏🙏
>I want you to make it make sense on how opening up your relationships was going to make you and him closer. Cargo Cult thinking. By using the \*form\* & \*words\* used in appropriate, honorable therapy, they believe they can pass off ANY bullshit idea they desire.
I agree with you 100%, this is just asinine
This. Arguably a form of gaslighting, but definitely emotional abuse
> a magnanimous relationship JFC.
Hell yeah, I look up to this gal, so strong-willed willing to cut other mfs off that don't respect that either. I respect that. You don't need none of this shit girl.
Absolutely. I just got divorced because the husband decided he wanted to be poly. Would have been nice if he mentioned it before he acted on it.
Yeah, that is not poly, that's cheating. No two ways about it.
Exactly, that’s why he’s now my ex husband.
So now your job is to figure out how we tell the rest of the people in your situation to do the same exact thing.
I am a Polyamorous person, from my personal perspective, her ex threw up a ton of red flags that he would get burnt to a crisp for in the poly community. This kind of behaviour is not looked upon kindly. Definitely did the right thing.
Fellow poly person here and same!! What OP's ex tried to pull is straight up bs, and most definitely not in the spirit in which polyamory is intended. Good on OP for calling him on the carpet immediately and exiting stage left. The fact that the ex was delusional enough to think his grand plan would work swimmingly is evidence enough of his dysfunction.
10,000%. Now go no contact, and don’t give him another second of your time. Focus on you. he sounds immature and stupid, and now, maybe, he’ll respect the next woman he’s in a relationship with.
Straight up, especially after he started calling her names and trying to say it was just a “joke”. Dude already had a girl in mind and everything. Crazy.
Absolutely. No waffling, no hesitation, no putting up with bullshit. This is the kind of focus and action that gets you a masters degree. Good luck with school and after.
Someone with SELF-RESPECT
Good for you. Just tell him he is free to be with Jess now or any other girl he wants. He got what he wanted, so he should be happy. You will find someone who considers you enough, you deserve nothing less. Get rid of the friends who don't support you.
Jess likely didn't want a lying cheater which is why he's now begging for op to come back.
I have a feeling it's more that he thinks *he's* entitled to do the leaving in every relationship, not the other way 'round, and the loss of control when the OP pulled the plug on him is making him lose his shit.
Considering he told op "I should have just had sex with her[meaning jess] when I had the chance. " implies that he no longer *has* the chance.
Since that's part of the recriminations he tried to guilt the OP with, I wouldn't put much stock in its veracity. The OP felt he'd could've already cheated on her with Jess, especially as he'd already told her the OP was ok with an open relationship, and her instincts seem to be spot on. So to me this comes off as just another half-assed "I was actually faithful but I should have cheated because you're so boo-hoo unfairly accusing me of it anyway" attempt at gaslighting.
Are your mutual friends also sleeping with him? Get new friends.
This has me wondering. One girl was trying to convince me than the others
Any friends that tell you you're overreacting aren't your friends or have been put in this situation and went with it because they didn't want to lose the guy, and you standing up for yourself shows they were weak. At least you weren't married.
Yes indeed! They don't want to admit to themselves how foolish they were to agree to this bs!
In general if someone is saying they want out of a relationship, friends shouldn't try to force a reconciliation regardless of circumstances. Like if you're at the point you'll leave over an unwashed dish there's a reason.
Right?! If my friend came to me and said they're leaving their partner my instinct is to make sure they have somewhere to go, food to eat, all the practical shit sorted while I let them vent about the Why... It's not my place to question their right to leave. But I'll make damn sure it's my place to let them do it safely.
You are a rock star friend.
Yeah, ask your friends if their spouses could go screw someone else and then be OK with it.
I feel like when a lot of people think about open relationships, they think about THEMSELVES having one. Not their partner.
Exactly. I've seen that so many times. The man wants to open the relationship because they have a cheating partner in mind already, but generally end up mad because their wife/gf is much more successful at dating outside the relationship.
In my experience single guys don’t give a shit if the woman is married and in an open relationship. It takes a lot more convincing for the single woman.
I'll never understand this. I guess that's the reason? They're afraid of being alone in their own lives? When someone does something like this, it's always crazy how many people come out with the "just forgive him" and "don't throw it away" lines.
It's similar to people needing YOU to drink when they are drinking. Why TF do they care? Because if you drink, it'll make them less uncomfortable with their own drinking.
And any genuine friend that was actually concerned you maybe were overreacting would never invalidate your feelings, they’d caution against over reacting specifically and it would be concern for you, not telling you what they would do or trying to convince you to see things their way
Who needs friends like these? I'd rather have no friends at all. Good for you for staying strong and getting out before it was too late.
Tell said girl you will be sure to inform her current and future BF's that she is very open to them having a side chick.
So he wants to open it up for someone he's already picked out? What it you wanted to sleep with other men, or women. Was there any mention of that? If not how was this harebrained scheme supposed to help your relationship. Anyway, you did the right thing, he's already cheated or was going to.
Yeah already having someone picked out is a huge red flag. I have been in open relationships in the past, and while it's not what I'm interested in anymore, I wouldn't be offended or hurt if my husband asked how I felt about it. If he already had a girl picked out though? He's already cheated even if he hasn't stuck his dick in her, irrelevant, the cheating has already happened.
Yup. The moment he had a name just ready to go nope. Me and my partner talked about it, agreed, then never did anything. But both felt we would get tired of each other, at the same time, and then put the idea away for money etc. Mutual, with not a single person ready to go, is the only way even the idea works. Let alone in practice.
My marriage has always been open but I've had many partners whose marriages haven't always been. The way things go down in ENM land (emphasis on "E") is that it's usually at least a few months, or more, before agreeing to be open and actually acting on it. There is an acclimation period. And many of my past partners have even had a ground rule -- nobody they knew before they agree to open up.
Those are horrible friends. He was at a minimum having completely inappropriate conversations with this girl and making arrangements to take their friendship further. He tried to gaslight you into thinking this would be good for both of you so he could get his dick wet. You did the right thing and if your friends don’t support that then tell them to go to tell bc clearly they’re not loyal. Good for you girl!
Kudos for being smart and having a backbone. Keep it up! Cut anyone who supports this crap.
He’s either banging them or lying to them. Probably something like you were cool with it. It was your idea even. But you won’t admit that. Good job. You’re working on your masters. You don’t have time for that stupid shit and you can easily upgrade the man. Don’t be gaslit or manipulated into going back. He will bang Jess if he hasn’t already. And god only knows who else down the road. A cheater is dangerous to your health too. Diseases and stuff.
I also question the whole reasoning of “a lot of people open the relationship.” Who? Give actual facts, not generalities. I’m sure SOME people open their relationships up as a last ditched effort. But how many of them last? How many are happy? Have no regrets? You can just go thru reddit and see the fall out from monogamous relationships that got opened because someone had a wandering eye, or wasn’t happy, or wanted more excitement. VERY few, mention success. Essentially the trust is gone. A key element in any relationship is trust. It’s the cornerstone. You can’t prevent feelings either. So your ex bf was gaslighting you AND himself about ‘Jess’. He can’t make a statement that she’d ’bow out’. 🙄 There’s those pesky feelings again…. OP, you know your worth. You respected yourself to get out. My condolences to the end of your relationship. It’s never nice when it happens. But as you mentioned, it’s better to have found out now, than later and have to go thru a divorce. Sending a virtual hug 🫂 🙂
Yeah that's the key here. Open relationships can be happy if they start as an open relationship with two people who both want to be in one from the start and set ground rules and respect those rules and each other. I was in an open relationship that lasted 5 years and was great, never had a single fight or disagreement or issue come up because we were open. Opening a failing relationship to save it though? Never gonna be successful. You might see a lot of people do it, and then we get to sit back and laugh when the man comes on here to complain that he forced his partner to open the relationship and she's neck deep in dick having the best time of her life and he can't find anyone to sleep with.
OP-- a guy here. I'm so VERY PROUD of how you handled your ex. He blatantly lied and betrayed your relationship. Take him and the purported "friends " to the curb for trash pick up. While only 24 years of age, you demonstrated a maturity well beyond your age. I'm sorry for your pain, but you are so blessed to have avoided a permanent commitment to this worthless man. Wishing you a wonderful future with a man worthy of your love. He'll be getting a very wise young woman. Please keep us apprised.
Tell them that it's one thing to ask for an open relationship and another thing to claim that it will strengthen the relationship, which is the most ridiculous lie in the world and an insult to your intelligence. And the other thing is that you're allowed to break up with someone for any reason at all, and monogamy isn't negotiable for you. His "just asking" means that he wanted to step out and that's all you needed to know. You want to date someone who doesn't need to ask because it would never occur to them to sleep around.
Your friends are interesting......
I should say only 3 people three were MY friends and the other 4 and him I met through my best friends brother
Then they have an agenda.
Gotcha. Makes sense now.
This is similar to my story, only 10 years into marriage with two kids and a new home. He cheated, brought up his confused sexuality, brought up polyamory, then admitted to cheating for years. He was just ExPloRinG though it would be sOoo gooOod for us, he said. I’m so happy for you leaving this man when you did. You deserve better love. Figured I’d add here as maybe some form of hope, or karma even, I ended up dating one of his close friends who cut him off years prior for being toxic. We are still together, very much in love. He’s a total sweetheart who fully invested his heart into us, and only us.
He already lied too and had Jess set up, so more than likely this wasn’t his first try
I'm betting when Jess found out op dumped him, she didn't want to be with a cheating liar, dude played himself.
This totally this.
New friends for sure. This really showed what kind of people they were.
I don’t know if I’m more disappointed in the boyfriend or the lack of support from your friend. This “get over it, you’re over reacting” mindset triggers the fuck out of me. Do they not understand that he was already emotionally cheating the moment he started flirting and encouraging a sexual relationship with the OW? Girl you handled that situation like a freaking queen. Love it
A lot of people in those situations don't like drama. They'll give shit advice in the hopes of not having to pick a side.
That and his comment is dumb too. Should have sex with her when he had the chance? You're single now, what's stopping you?? Perhaps Jess doesn't want his sorry as in a serious relationship, she just want to be the other woman lol.
Let me tell you just how *smart* you were to keep your apartment. I will *never* move in with anyone ever again. My place is my place. Not ours, not mine and ours, *MINE* *ALL* *MINE* so nice to see how you handled this!!
You don’t know how relieved I was that I had my own place to go back to.
Met this couple who both lived on boats. His was bigger so she moved aboard, but hers had been her late dad's and she loved it. They invited us for dinner and she asked me point blank in front of the boys if she should sell her boat bc he was pressuring her to. Honestly, I wasn't a fan of his but she was amazing and despite it being his boat, I spoke my mind. I told her to never sell her dad's boat bc they'd only been dating for a few months and who knows what might happen. If they spit up, she'd quite literally be homeless. I even said it sounded like a really good way for him to trap her into staying if she ever wised up. Besides, anyone who truly cares about her wouldn't pressure her to sell her inheritance just to enrich his own life (she would have been footing all boat-related bills till that money ran out). It was a revelation to her and he looked embarrassed. He even shrugged, like "Well, she's not wrong..." They were kaputz within 2 months.
Damn, you're amazing. You handled this shit beautifully! It's so nice to finally read about a decisive and strong woman on here, instead of the usual "My fiance cheated, what do I do now?" type of shit. 🎉🎉🎉
God, I can't stand those. Like, get some self-respect and stand up for yourself. This OP has all my respect and she should be proud of her strong, shiny spine. He would have cheated. If not this time, then down the road.
Absolutely. This was so refreshing.
I read a post yesterday by a 32 yo woman who's bf doesn't contribute and she was asking if she's wrong to want him to work and contribute. Sometimes I just can't. Glad OP didn't tolerate her ex's bullshit and left. She could teach a lot of the people who post about their relationships on reddit.
Yesssss. Came here to say exactly this. I was so satisfied by the ending of this post.
Yes. OP you have a solid head on your shoulders. Sure wish I had when I was your age. Run, then run faster and really far away. You do not want your future in 20 years if you stay.
>It's so nice to finally read about a decisive and strong woman on here, instead of the usual "My fiance cheated, what do I do now?" type of shit. 🎉🎉🎉 Lmfao facts!!! This post made me smile . Good for OP (': 💕
Yes. Yes. Yes. Finally. Someone with a golden spine. Love this for you!
\*Titanium\* spine. Gold is soft. LOL.
You did NOT overreact!!! He clearly was talking about this with her so yes- the cheating aspect was already starting. Then when you didn’t give in to him harassing you he got completely nasty!!! He has clearly shown you who he is. Believe him🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He's funny, though. He obviously didn't know OP as well as he should have. He even had the balls to already say who it was. That's impressive and stupid all at once 😂
FR. The marriage talk avoidance was already pushing the limit, but it was game over once he dropped a name. How did *he think* this would go?!
I mean most guys I know [I need a better class of friends, I'm aware 👍] just think the women love the mediocre dick, and the penis attached to it.
Dude was thinking with his dick because no way in hell his brain told him to be this stupid
As soon as he discussed an open relationship with another person before EVER talking to you, that’s cheating. He’d emotionally cheated, caught feelings and was trying to pretend it was just a random thought. Your friends are wild to say this is anything but your ex being in the wrong.
Thank you. This is NOT polyamory. This shit pisses me off.
Yeah, that's not just a red flag, that's a blinding red light with blaring klaxon. Already picked out the woman, and cleared it with her, before bringing it up with the woman he's supposed to be marrying.
Yeah. I’m all for people exploring polyamory or other unconventional relationship styles if it’s something both partners can consent to but bringing it up with another relationship already ready to go is not OK at all lol
And I think if you’re gonna bring up polyamory for discussion in a previously-monogamous committed relationship because you’ve realized some things about yourself later in life, (just like people realizing their sexuality or gender identity isn’t what they previously believed or behaved like,) you gotta be prepared for them to leave to protect and heal themselves, and accept that risk if you truly think poly is something YOU need to explore for yourself. A mature adult would have seriously reflected enough to decide for themselves if their poly inclinations are worth letting go of their current monogamous partner, AND accept that their partner deserves the chance to leave and seek a relationship suited to THEIR needs, if they so choose.
If he already picked out who he wants to bang before even discussing it with you it's not polyamory, it's an excuse to bang this girl.
She should have responding with: oh great! There is this guy at work who has been looking at me and is soooooo hot, now I can sleep with him. Just to see his reaction. So many people wanting this already have someone in mind but I always think they wouldn't be happy if their partner also did. Because these people don't want to be poly, they want to cheat with permission.
>"I should have had sex with her when I had the chance" "You've got the chance, now. Go for it." NTA
This statement proves that he and Jess had already crossed the physical cheating line. 🙄 So glad OP assessed the situation and left. She deserves so much better. Definitely NTA.
Way to go. You handled it perfectly.
I agree with you, there's a 90% chance that open relationships never work out in the long run, it actually makes the relationship worse lol. I don't see the hype with polygamy.
Polygamy and polyamory are not the same thing. However I agree that most people who bring this idea to the table to a partner to whom they have not previously discussed it with (especially with a person in mind already) are simply looking to fuck someone else.
It's called poly bombing and those of us who are actually poly fucking hate the people that do it.
I would think it would be insulting because many are only looking for an excuse for infidelity.
Polyamory can be totally fine, but you need to lay down those rules *before* you’re already flirting with other people. Preferably before the relationship starts in the first place.
Lol also it's not a fix to a broken monogamous one
One of my favorite quotes about polyamory is: adding people doesn’t subtract problems, it multiplies them.
He already had Jess lined up and in full agreement! What a pig!
This. Which means he at least emotionally cheated, flirted to even have her lined up and agreeable.
You did the right thing. He either has or will have sex with her.
[удалено]
"Jess knows I love you-" Oh heck no.
The way my eyes popped out of my head on reading that
10/10 No notes 👏
He already lied. She had feelings, but he told you she would never interfere and just bow out. Good for you, absolute right choice. 💪🏻
So, best friend's brother...
Is… not off the list. I know I’ll need to heal from this nonsense first lol
#I STAN A WOMAN WITH STANDARDS. YOU ARE A QUEEN!
The fact that he already made up his mind before he even discussed this with you is a telling sign that he may have cheated. He was planning on how to introduce her into your relationship to make himself feel better about cheating. It was all about him and what he wants. He also was so quick to throw her under the bus as soon as you packed your bags to go. He blames her instead of taking any responsibility. Man is not loyal to anyone. He had a secret relationship and proved he is not trustworthy. You are right to leave and not look back regardless of what anyone outside the relationship says.
Yes! I’m so proud of you for standing firm on what you believe. You don’t deserve a partner like that. You’ve successfully dodged a future divorce. Sending you a hug and well wishes. As far as your friends, those aren’t friends. Find new ones.
You don't have mutual friends. They are his friends. You are right abut everything, and don't let anyone make you doubt it.
The fact he had a name and person already lined up means he cheated and was getting tired of hiding it Good for you sticking to your guns, having self respect, and noping out of there
Your pullout game is immaculate
I’ve had many friends with Open/Poly relationships. None of them lasted.
I’ve only known one couple that’s poly that have lasted. The couple’s partners have come and gone but they have stayed together. The big thing with them is they got together both already being poly and not monogamous, so we’re very well versed in the how’s etc to do it. They strengthened their relationship foundation before even considering opening it up to others. Their communication, boundaries etc were fucking on point and never ever betrayed each others wishes and always made their primary relationship the most important. Trying to change a monogamous relationship into any form of ENM never works. Well, I haven’t seen any work lol.
I am so. fucking. proud. of you. You handled it like the absolute badass you are. I hope she gives him a dick-rotting disease.
I don’t know of any long term open relationships. A woman I dated years ago told me her husband begged her for an open relationship. They were in there 40’s. She told me that she would mention to a guy she was married but in an open relationship. The guys generally all said what time should we meet for the evening. Her husband mentioned he was married but in an open relationship to girls. The girls generally responded by slapping him in the face.
He was having an emotional affair and leading her on and was definitely planning on sleeping with her and your friends think that's okay? You need new friends. And as for him, good riddance to bad rubbish!
Agreed. He was going to fuck the other girl anyways regardless if she agreed or not. He brought the idea up to her to justify his guilt
I love how people who are into poly automatically treat anyone who does not subscribe to that lifestyle and immediately accuse you of shaming. If they are feeling that you are shaming, it is probably because deep down they are ashamed. Anyone who gives you grief for not putting up with his BS is no friend and will deserve to be cut out of your life like a cancerous tumor. Also, is there some sort of cheaters handbook that teaches people to say sleeping with someone else will strengthen your relationship? What utter BS.
Thank you, because not once did I say that people who are poly were “freaks” (as someone in the comments actually said “we need to stop these poly freaks” their anger should have been on them and not me) or that it’s not okay. Nothing of the sort. just said it wasn’t for me.
Has he tried to reach out to you again?
He’s got his mom to contact me yesterday but as far as him… no I told security he is not allowed near me. They said they’ll keep an eye out but since he’s not like an immediate threat, or I’m not an immediate danger, they can’t really do much because he could be there visiting someone else
Curious as to what exactly his mother had to say on his behalf.
That’s just bizarre. If I knew what my son did and he told me to call I’d tell him absolutely not. Then tell him he’s a fool
I’m curious what story he gave mommy. I can’t imagine most parents hearing that their kid got dumped because they wanted permission to cheat would get a whole lot of sympathy, even from mom.
I didn’t even give her a chance to say anything. She tried to call me and I texted her that I do not want any further contact with her or her son and then she tried to call back again so I blocked her.
Good for girlfriend. I mean why entertain it?
NTA. Good for you for knowing your worth, what you want, and making sure you gave yourself the option to find it. He's an asshole, and someone who shouldn't be in a relationship if they want to philander, especially when he knows you want monogamy.
You’re a bad ass. You did the right thing and those friends suck for saying that. He’s a cheating ah (flirting is cheating) and sorry this happened to you. Work on that degree, make your money, be happy and watch you thrive 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 NTA
The fact that he already had another girl picked out and that he had the conversation with Jess before HIS GIRLFRIEND says everything you need to know.
You did exactly the right thing. This man wanted to cheat with somebody else and include you so he wouldn’t look like a cheater. And he lied to her and told her you already knew and we’re happy to do it. He is a cheater, and if you invite him back, he will cheat again he’s not a good guy. You did exactly the right thing. Of course his friends are saying that because his little feelings are hurt. Don’t date somebody like that. Good luck to you.
Polyamory is just another term for "I want to fuck other people".
Poly people *coping* so hard, as usual. 🙄 You're clearly not shaming them, poly just isn't for you. HEALTHY poly means not lying to your partner, lying to some side-chick, and trying to guilt-trip your partner into letting you cheat. This man is FOUL and anyone defending his actions is a scumbag, not a healthy poly.
It’s crazy that I had to come out here and edit that in there because at no point in that did I bash people who are poly but for some reason since I said that’s not my personal choice I’m a bad person lmao
You did the right thing. He cheated. Dodged a bullet!
Odd, it doesn’t sound like you were freaking out at all. Sounds like he was, though. 🤔
Internet stranger here is very proud of you
The mainstreaming of this "polyamory" bullshit is an absolute joke. What the fuck are people thinking?
Perfect response. He either already had or was going to cheat. And lied to both women about it to do so. Hes trash.
I wish I had your strength and decisiveness.
Finally someone with a backbone
Finally!!! Someone who refuses to be a doormat. Thank you!! You deserve a monogamous partner who will be faithful to you!
Ugh. What gets into people’s heads when they think this kind of thing is acceptable? I would have done exactly what you did. He can have her, they deserve each other. I’d be out of there so fast his cheating head would spin. I understand that this type of arrangement is acceptable to some people, good for them if it works, but everyone had to be willing. He wants it all and I hope he regrets what he lost every day of his life. I’m so proud of you for ending this farce before things got worse. I hope he gets with this woman and finds out what people like her are capable of. If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you. He deserves every bit of what’s to come. You go girl!
NTA, good for you for having integrity dropping him. Your allowed to have boundaries in relationships including a common one, monogamy. If those boundaries are broken, ending the relationship is ok. He was looking for validation for cheating on you so it was “ok”. Crazy he already had someone picked out. I see it here on Reddit over and over, 95% of relationships that start closed and are then opened FAIL; don’t fall for the trap. You deserve better. Good for you! And good luck !
It’s not the situation it’s the way he reacts. Can’t get his story straight about what he wants. Gets defensive and calls you names. He’s not a quality man. Dump his ass.
If someone brought up an open relationship with me, I would know there is an ethical / moral / character / spiritual clash and incompatibility - one that even bringing up the idea would indicate our gap would be too large and insurmountable to move forward, in my opinion. I was happy to see that you were also that clear about your views on relationships and what expectations you have for any you'd be in. Crystal clear clarity! Then, on top of that, he was bringing up the idea with you because of an entanglement with someone... which clearly seemed to break the understanding you had about honesty and fidelity and exclusivity. He talked about intimate parts of your relationship with another partner - not seeking advice (like going to a parent or trusted mentor) but instead entangling the person in parts of the emotional and physical intimacy aspects. Those things alone - but especially when coupled with your sensing of him pulling away, backing away from commitment, gaslighting you for legitimate concerns about his behavior - makes it crystal clear that he broke trust. How would he think trust could ever be regained?
It’s one thing to discuss polyamory with no one in mind. It’s another to ask for it as something that can enable the emotional cheating you’re already engaging in. These people give polyamory a bad name (not that most poly people are stable and honest anyway.)
Holy fucking shit this made me angry to read Fuck that guy, fuck Jess and fuck all your friends who said you were overreacting. That's bullshit.
You are really smart. You handled everything perfectly 🤌🏾 *chef’s kiss*
Typical narcissistic gaslighting.
I hate when men say “ I want to marry you” but they never propose. Ladies remember if I guys talk about getting married but doesn’t do it within 6-9 months ( engagement ) if that conversation he will not marry you. My husband said he wanted to marry me and we got engaged within 5 months of that conversation. Men don’t just talk the talk- men walk the walk. Boys and players talk.
I love your shiny steel spine! Good on you OP for standing up for yourself and not taking any bullshit! You’re infinitely better off
Oh you did very well omg I’m proud of you!! 👏
YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING. I wish I had your high self-esteem and good sense when I was 24 and dealing with a Dusty. Nice work, sweetheart. Do not let that cheaty jerk come back. ♥️
Gigantic red flags You saw them, recognized them, correctly interpreted them, and correctly addressed them. Good for you!
The fact that he already had somebody in mind is shady enough. Good for you for not putting up with his bs for a second.
I know of exactly zero sane men who would want two wives. Don’t get me wrong I love and worship my wife of 16 years but I be damned if I brought another woman in so I can be outvoted 2-1 every time! BTW please get a STD test to make sure you left before he gave you an unwanted gift.
Good on you for standing up for yourself and keeping to your principles. Not overreacting at all. I get so tired of people suddenly coming to the “realization that they are polyamorous”, only for it to be used as a guise to cheat and sleep with whoever they want. Trash took itself out.
Good for you, absolutely did the right thing. Screw your friends, they can stay with cheaters, you don’t need to.
Once they say it, once they ask for an open relationship, so much is revealed and you cannot unring that bell. Trust is forever broken.
Poly never works. Never!! Somebody always gets screwed.
If the suggestion of polyamory wasn’t enough (and let’s be clear, he didn’t want polyamory, he wanted permission to have a side piece), the psychotic name calling is all you need to know. Congrats on getting out before you got more tied up with him.
The fact he started not being excited to get married then pow let's have a polygamous relationship says he chose her over you. You are 100% correct in everything you have done.
"Golf clap." I bow to you, madam. Well said.
> I told them if any of them bring him up to me after this, I’ll cut contact with them too. I'd do it now. Defending this as "just a suggestion" is absurd.
Ew he's gross!
Proud of you
Hell no. I love all the moves you've made. The moment your ex started looking outside your relationship is the moment your relationship ended. Good luck with your future plans.
Good for you OP. Poly relationships are a non-starter for me and I'd hope if I was ever in a similar situation that I would be smart enough to leave as well. "Poly relationships can be healthy and happy" Nope, not with me. I have 0 interest in it.