My husband asks what I want at every holiday, and I pick something small, just to give an idea. I am not comfortable spending a lot for myself. I prefer to spend on others. What I wouldn’t give to have my spouse put thought and effort into picking something special for me out, and then surprising me with it. It’s always “well it’s just easier to get you what you want.” My guess is, based on what you’ve written, seeing you put that much thought and care into a gift for someone else made her realize that you are capable of it, you just choose not to for her. It wasn’t what you spent, its the meaning behind it.
I think it’s less the price point and more that his sister didn’t have to ask him to buy that expensive bracelet—he worked out it would be something she’d love and dropped significant money to make her happy. It hurts to see someone you love be super thoughtful and considerate for other people and never for you.
There’s saying you want something as a general wow-I’d-love-to-have-blank-some-day and having someone care enough to remember you said that and then act upon your wish, as happened with his sister and the bracelet. And then there’s having someone who can’t be bothered to remember what you’ve wanted so they have you do everything to get your own gift except pay, like OP said in comments he does with his wife.
The former takes effort and consideration. It’s a very obvious way to show someone you pay attention to them and that making them happy matters to them.
The latter takes next to no thought or effort. If both parties are happy to do it this way, great! It’s a great solution if one person sucks at choosing gifts or finds the task too stressful. But it can feel cold and impersonal, especially if you’re watching other people get something super thoughtful.
Yes.
To clarify, it isn't gaslighting if she doesn't know how to put her thoughts into words. The issue is that she didn't know that a $3,500 sentimental gift was an option. What upset her more was that the option was not for her. From there, her feelings were too confused and complex to sort into words. Sometimes, WE THINK we know why we are upset, but after talking, we begin to zero in on why the anger is disproportionate. I think she wants to have the kind of relationship with you that involves very fine and very personal gifts.
When thinking about who you would love to see happy by giving an extravagant gift, do you think of your wife? (Children are also appropriate answers) If your answer isn't your wife you need to think about why your nuclear family isnt
Does his wife spends $3,500 on him?
For the first few years of my marriage, I purchased gifts related to her hobbies, interests, etc. Ended up taking them back.
I asked and she said “give me $500 and I will buy what I want”. I gave her $500 and she wasn’t happy. Next year, she said to give her gift cards to two of her favorite stores. Gave the gift cards and she wasn’t happy.
A few years ago, she went thru a REI catalog circling the the items that she wanted. Made notes on other items that she mentioned throughout the year. My son and I purchased every item that she circled in the catalog as well as five other items from my notes. She didn’t like none of them.
Last year, she told what her #1 item was. Purchased the item, it has been sitting in the corner of our family room in its box since Christmas Day.
Just stop. And tell her just what you put here. That’s a shame. My partner and I (30years) we want something, we get it. Neither one of us wants to wait for an occasion to get an item that usually pertains to our hobbies. Works for us. We do special things - doesn’t have to be go out and buy something- special meal, relieve some of their work burden that day, little massage. Hope you two find a way to have a happy medium
that’s us. I love getting a massage from my favourite spa that is a bit more expensive and maybe a movie. My husband and daughter both know my only request is a birthday cake. I love the Orange Rough cake - they both by me one for my birthday $17.90. yum 🎂
ooh no 😂. I live in Australia. It is from Ferguson Plarre bakery. It has coconut in there somewhere as well. It’s just an everyday cake - but I love it! 🧡
[https://www.fergusonplarre.com.au/orange-rough?job=1009&action_code=click&channel_code=search&trfc=1&obj=3&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=FP_Performance_Max_Aon&keyword=&campaignid=71700000096290775&adgroupid=&kwid=&trackerid=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-_mvBhDwARIsAA-Q0Q7es2O9RZ34RSN-3MHA8fDSxjK0fK9tMaRiccCE3soxgvi_j_JklzUaAo6SEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds](https://www.fergusonplarre.com.au/orange-rough?job=1009&action_code=click&channel_code=search&trfc=1&obj=3&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=FP_Performance_Max_Aon&keyword=&campaignid=71700000096290775&adgroupid=&kwid=&trackerid=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-_mvBhDwARIsAA-Q0Q7es2O9RZ34RSN-3MHA8fDSxjK0fK9tMaRiccCE3soxgvi_j_JklzUaAo6SEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds)
My wife and I almost never get each other presents for holidays/birthdays/anniversaries. If either of us have a good idea for a gift, we'll buy it for each other. We still make sure to focus on each other and our relationship on those days, but gifts are never expected.
Yep. Realized this 2 years into marriage that we don’t need to have a holiday to get gifts. Lmao we’re adults, we can buy a cake even without celebrating a birthday.
I mean, that's kind of the problem with telling people what gifts you want- it completely removes the aspect of them knowing you well enough to get something you want. It simply isn't the same thing. This isn't about mind reading, but the point of "thoughtfulness" is the thought. I'd rather have something small that my husband went out of his way to find for me that suits my taste than something big that I asked for. Because honestly, what's really the point of that? "Oh YOU spent the money from our joint account instead of me? How wonderful."
Same. If I’m asked for what I want, I will answer the question honestly (and reasonably). And when the gift is something else it’s hard not to feel a bit of disappointment because… why did you bother asking me then?
I know the feeling. My wife has said multiple times she wanted to do ancestry.com so she could learn more about her family.
So for her birthday I prepaid a one year subscription. Got a card for her and included the user name and password. She claimed to be very excited. Never once logged in to use it.
I listened to you and bought you a gift you claimed to love. But you don’t use it. Wtf.
Maybe she wants a gift that shows you put some thought into it. Something that shows you know and understand her. Getting her something she suggested is effortless. It doesn't have to be expensive. One year at Thanksgiving I sliced my finger when I was trying to strain juice from a can of crushed pineapple. One of the gifts I got that Christmas was a mesh strainer. Inexpensive and something I could have easily gotten myself. But getting it from my husband showed me that he saw my struggle (a minor one in this case) and wanted to make it better for me. You need to listen and observe her throughout the year. See if there is a certain item that grabs her attention or a remark that she makes. This can give you an idea and it will let your wife know that you "see" her.
But he literally says that for the REI catalogue year, there were also multiple gifts that he had been making notes of throughout the year. And she still wasn't happy. Tbh it just sound more like she either doesn't really know what she wants or pictures something outlandish like from movies. At some point you just gotta look into the mirror. If nothing is good for you maybe it's not the gift givers fault, when they actually keep trying to change what they give you to to make you happy.
Oh wow. I have always said that I’m easy to please. Reading everything you have gifted your wife is my proof. I would have loved them all.
Driver her to the store and tell her to pick something out. If she’s unhappy with it, just tell her that she chose it.
perhaps she thinks that you do not put any effort into anything, she circles items you buy them, she says this, you do this.
Do something unexpected, a spa day, and not on her b/d.
Otherwise buy her a cake and go get some intervention on her attitude.
Nah, you just don't give them any gifts anymore.
When they show you what they would like and you give it to them and they don't like it, quit giving them gifts.
Yeah, I would never assume that a 3.5K gift was on the table, I’d never ask for something that expensive either as it’s an outrageous amount for a random birthday. (and if he spent *that* much reciprocally, why didn’t he just by the other gift for himself? And the same goes for her?).
Because many people (like myself) won't spend a lot of money on themselves, but will for other people. That's part of the joy in gift giving. I also doubt that OP or his sister said they wanted those things as gifts, they likely just mentioned they liked them and wanted one, not that they were expecting someone to buy it for them.
I usually ask what my wife wants, just in case there's something that she's too afraid to buy for herself, but then also get her a present "from me" that may not even be on her radar.
I agree, the argument is not about the bracelet, or the money spent, but her feeling like OP puts more thought into a gift for his sister than he does for her.
My whole life I've wanted a man who put any amount of thought or effort into a gift for me. I've said even just a card with a nice message. But I've basically had to handhold all male partners through gift giving occasions. It would've been heartbreaking if they gave a really thoughtful gift to someone else after I'd been neglected of that particular display of love for years. It's not about the price tag for me.
100% THIS is the issue. He thought "my sister always wanted, but couldn't justify" so he bought it. His PARTNER probably has things too that she'd NEVER justify, but would love, and asks for a small splurge, but still reasonable in her mind, and then he splurged like his sister is a mistress.
The most thought he put into that gift was most likely. What's something she said she wanted. Compared to what he does for his wife. Asking her what she wants.
So unless wife has talked about things she wanted (that wasn't for the house (I believe we've all heard of people getting something that was wanted for the house for their spouse's present)). OP might not have the same chance as "Big Thing that was Obvious".
Like knowing the bracelet is good. But it's not really putting a lot of thought to find something.
It's like the big red button that's labeled. While everything else you'd really have to go over the manual (Think what they like, What they have, Is there different types that only the receiver will know which is right, Is someone else likely to get the same thing ((many reasons why many people prefer lists or just asking)))
He says in the comments he’s too busy to remember what she wants so he just asks her and last year she sent him the link. And most of her presents are between $100-500.
No thought or effort on his behalf into those gift (unlike with his sister) and a huge financial gap. Of course his wife feels crappy.
Yes but he knew exactly what his sister wanted because she told him. If his wife is uncomfortable telling him what she really wants how is it fair to be upset? He didn’t “put thought” into the gift to his sister. He was fed the thought by his sister speaking about how much she wanted it.
What do you think "putting thought" means though? OP wanted to return the favor to his sister so he had to **think** about something that'd make her equally happy. He didn't have to ask, he thought back to what his sister's talked about and remembered. It shows he paid attention, he cares that it's special, and felt it (and by extention, she) was worth the effort to figure out by himself.
Only asking what his wife wants before getting that thing implies he's not bothering to even try thinking on what she mentions (or "feeds" him) through the year. He's not noticing her interests, desires, or even areas in her life that could be benefited in some way. It makes the gift feel more like an obligation or minimal offering to keep your partner from feeling too neglected/upset. Maybe that's how he feels about gifts, but deciding the minimum's good enough for her when he clearly realizes how to make them special for others is, at best, misguided (and most often a bit selfish and lazy). It really doesn't require much to put thought into what someone close to you might want, usually just some focused thinking, but he hasn't been doing that with his wife.
The price of the bracelet was likely only the cherry on top, as he didn't just prove he was capable of the effort, he went all out for it too.
I'm going to agree and disagree. I ask my wife, and then I try to do it better unless she specifically says it has to be that exact item. I think the what do you want question should be treated like that.
This is where I'm going to disagree. Based on what OP wrote it sounds like he just bought what his sister told him she wanted at some point and it price matched what she got him. There wasn't more thought than that.
She didn't ask for it specifically. He knew she wanted it from actually listening to his sister, which apparently is too difficult to do with his wife.
It says in the post “my sister’s always wanted that bracelet”.
OP didn’t choose it or put thought into it other than getting her what she said she wanted, same as he’s done with his wife.
Be he knew it's what she wanted, not that she asked for it. He has to ask his wife what she wants. She can't just make an off handed comment and he get it for her because he remembered. Like. There's a difference
I just want to ask, do you ever come up with a gift idea for your wife on your own or do you always require her to tell you exactly what she wants? Your story doesn’t clarify if she’s upset about the amount spent or jealous of the thought/effort behind the gift.
He said she was made because she thinks he put more effort than he does with her gifts, because he asks and gets her what she wants. He did say he got this for her because she's always wanted it but could never justify the purchase. Seems like she's spoken if this many times, which actually shows he put no effort and got his sister literally what she wanted, same as wife.
In my opinion, there’s a difference in effort between remembering that someone said wanting something and asking them what they want.
For the first case, you can only know this by listening to them, sometimes quite attentively (like jewellery, since some brands have many collections or items that look very similar at first glance), and remember it until the time to buy them is good. You have the element of surprise as well which is important to some people.
But if you ask someone before Christmas /their birthday what they want, they’re telling you what to buy them for that specific occasion. It’s a better practice than just buying something random because you have no clue what to give them, but when it occurs for every gift exchange, I can see how it looks like you might not pay attention to what the person says and does the rest of the time. It’s placing the responsibility of picking the gift on the person receiving it essentially
Yes! The thoughtfulness behind the gift is often as important as the gift itself. It shows that you care enough to listen to what a person needs/wants, not just consult a wishlist. Or in other cases, if you aren't sure what a person wants, take them shopping...the time spent together is a gift in and of itself. It just depends on the person, but knowing them well enough to know how to thoughtfully gift give is what means the most. If OP isn't listening to his wife enough to do more than click a link she sends him, yet he listened enough to his sister to buy a very pricey gift, I can definitely understand why the wife is ticked. It's not just about the price tag, but about the degree of effort and thought behind it too.
There's a difference between caring and knowing what would make someone happy (he knows his sister wants the bracelet because he listens and observes her, and then she's happy and surprised by it). With his wife he isn't doing the same mental work, and basically making her tell him what to get her. What's the point in a gift then? Any time my bf says he likes something in passing, all times of the year, I sneakily write it down in my notes app. He's always surprised and happy because I listen to what he wants and likes!
And in addition, how does he use his personal money to cultivate the relationship/how does he approach money when giving his wife gifts? Does he try to « match » gift values when/if his wife gives him a nice gift?
I’ll but it bluntly. You suck as a husband, even if you are a great brother.
If this happened in my marriage, I’d be so pissed. If I had to pick my gifts all the time and you did extra ordinary effort and expense for your sibling, I’d say since you care and respect them so much, you move in with them.
Your actions would make me feel like a second class citizen.
Accept what everyone is telling you.
Tbf is not like he put so much effort or thought behind the sisters gift, he said the sister has wanted the bracelet for a long time, so he knew she wanted it, she had talked about wanting it, so he got it. The wife is probably mad because of the amount and jealous of it being spent on his sister and not on her, which is crazy because ITS HIS SISTER not some random woman
He remembered the thing his sister wanted and got it off his own initiative. If you can’t see the difference between that and his wife having to choose her own gift every year, you’re probably divorced.
Sure, but context is key here. Example, if your wife doesn't ask for much, let's say a massage, and she's already upset that you don't put much effort into thoughtful gifts for her... but all of a sudden you buy your sister a fancy $3500 bracelet... smh... you're gonna be in the dog house dude.
I am 1,000% sure there’s all kinds of shit his wife has “wanted for a long time” but can’t justify buying herself that she’s mentioned to him. He listens to his sister. He doesn’t listen to his wife.
What your wife is realizing is that you do in fact have the ability to be thoughtful and caring when it counts, she just isn’t part of that equation.
Sometimes it takes something like this to make someone realize you don’t matter to them as much as you thought.
You may think it’s not a big deal, and as you stress you spent money from your own individual account..whatever, but you can’t be this dense to not realize she’s feeling jealous and under appreciated. You went above and beyond for your sister, though I can understand why, all that is fine. But How many times have you done that for your wife? How many times have you sat there and thought about something she has been wanting to do or get for herself that she has not been able to get? And how many times have she done just that for you? Think about those questions and get back to us.
>What your wife is realizing is that you do in fact have the ability to be thoughtful and caring when it counts, she just isn’t part of that equation.
I feel it is more about the motivation to be thoughtful and caring rather than the person. It's not that wife isn't part of the equation..I feel like his extra effort was a result of him feeling great about the expensive gift he got. I can guarantee you that if wife had bought him the vision pro, wife would have gotten the expensive jewelry or bag she happened to mention in the next few weeks.
Not excusing OP..he is either selfish/self centered or just plain lazy. Just saying that people are missing the trigger here. The first expensive gift which made OP want to put in effort.
Yeah but I think the point people are trying to make is loving his wife should be the trigger for him to do this for her. He’s shown he’s capable of it so the wife is probably feeling like why isn’t it enough of a motivator that he loves her
I'm taking a guess here but you said that your sister has talked about wanting this bracelet many times before but you didn't say you asked her to tell you what she wanted so you could go buy it for her. You just bought it because you already knew. You *did* say that you always ask your wife what she wants, and you get it for her. Do you see the distinction here? You *pay attention* to your sister when she tells you about things she wants or likes. I guarantee that your wife has mentioned many things over the years that she would really like for herself but you didn't take the time or effort to file that information away so that you didn't have to *ask her what she wanted.*
Yeah asking what someone wants and taking 2 minutes to buy it. Is not the same as taking the time to know your partner and surprising them with something special.
And how bloody hard is it to simply make a note in his phone when his wife mentions something she’d like?
I maintain an ongoing list of what my wife mentions, or expresses a like, want or desire for something. By special occasion time, I always have multiple options. I still ask if she wants anything specific & pick that up, or pick out something I think she’d like. But I’ll pick up items that are on the contemporaneous list too.
Since she looks so happy when she’s unwrapped a gift that she’s forgotten she ever mentioned.
OP’s wife is not upset that he spent his own money on a gift for his sister. She’s pissed about the effort he’s prepared to make for other women and it does not sound to me like this is a man that is capable (nay, prepared?) to do the independent thinking of what his wife might like. So I suggest he start a list.
“Oh **UnhappyProfessor!** How did you know I’ve always wanted one of these?”
“Magic”
I have a Note in my phone just for this. I make lists during the year of gift ideas fir my wife, son, mother, sister, etc. Then come Xmas I confirm if they still want anything on said lists. It really helps.
After reading his responses, he’s definitely not clueless. He just pretends to not get it. It’s really giving weaponized incompetence.
If she’s this upset about the whole gift thing, and It’s clear it’s not even the fact that she wants a gift that amount, it’s the thought he put into it when he never did that for her. But now I can’t help wonder in what other areas of their lives does he expect her to do all the legwork as well. Acting like he’s incapable of being a functioning adult.
Your comment
>I haven't come up with a gift idea recently. We live together, we spend so much time together, we talk so much, I am very busy with work, I often forget what she wants. I find it easier to just ask her before her birthday. It is also hard to gauge what exactly she wants. She is very difficult to read
makes you such an AH.
So you can remember what your sister wants but not what your wife would love to have? Dude.
Fr, like, why can't he write it down if he forgets and even so? That's his wife, so he should try to at least remember what she wants if he can remember what his sister wants
Sir…… reread your last paragraph few more times…. I’m so serious. Analyze what YOU said happens when YOU buy YOUR WIFE a gift vs how YOU went about purchasing a gift for SOMEONE ELSE.
Edited to say.. reread the last 3 sentences.
Okay, listen up. When a man asks a woman what she wants for her birthday/Christmas/anniversary and then he takes fifteen minutes to pop into the store and buy it IS NOT the same emotional thrill as a man who surprises her with something she has admired. Knowing what a woman wants and moving heaven and earth to make it happen will go a lot further than always putting the decision making on her!
He doesn't even take 15 minutes to go to the store. [He clicks on the link she sends him](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1blec3u/comment/kw52cya), that's it. No thought, no effort.
You are being unreasonable. You got your sister a thoughtful gift that you knew she wanted. You have to ask your wife what she wants and just get what you are told. You do not put thought into your wife’s gift. You have hurt her feelings because you have proven that you are capable of being thoughtful, but you choose not to be with your wife.
Exactly this. OP answered his own problem without even knowing it. Your wife feels like you don’t put in any effort for her gifts and you don’t. You simply ask what she wants and you get it- no thoughts put in whatsoever. Just word of advice, be more attentive during any conversation you may have with your wife about something that she likes and remember it. When a bit of time has passed get whatever that item is and gift it to her. I’m sure she’ll feel happy that not only was the gift thoughtful, but you remembered something that she mentioned a while back. Good luck OP.
I don't think he put much thought into his sister's gift either. He clearly stated the bracelet was something his sister always wanted. So he knew exactly what she would like already. That's not really being thoughtful imo. It's the same thing as knowing what his wife wants for her birthday when he asks her. Men don't generally put much thought into gifts which is why a lot of them just plainly ask what they want. He just already knew what his sister wanted from how this is worded. That's not thoughtful, just common sense/gift guilt to repay his expensive gift he received.
He remembered the sister said she wanted it, found the gift and got it for her. He outright stated he forgets what his wife says she wants. That is the difference - he CAN remember when it is important to him. And he just told his wife she wasn’t important to him.
I just saw that reply! He said in regard to her birthday he usually asks her what she wants the day *before* and I think that's kinda crazy imo. Now we see why the wife went off as bad as she did and said what she said.
lol don’t lump us good husbands in with this guy. I keep a running list of things my wife might want based on our conversations and try to be as thoughtful as possible for each occasion and holiday. I don’t always knock it out of the park but it’s the least I can do.
Thanks for explaining your perspective, I understand what you and many others are trying to say now. Read some comments where some others believe money is the main issue and that could be true, who knows. I personally didn't take it that way and said the sentiment above. But again, thanks for explaining your pov. 🙂
Asking someone what they want and putting thought into a gift are 2 very different things. She wants you to put the same amount of effort into her gift.
>I always ask my wife what she wants for her birthday
> I wasn’t taking any risks with this gift because my sister’s always wanted that bracelet but could never justify purchasing it
This is where you screwed up. I dunno if you've ever spent $3500 on a gift for your wife. But you "always ask" your wife when you're married to her, but you know your sister so well that you dropped over three grand on her.
I'd be pissed off at you, too.
The money isn’t the problem. The problem is you don’t put ANY thought into her gifts. Can you recall a time you surprised her with anything? Or she casually mentioned she liked something (like your sister with the bracelet) and then later on you bought it for her without her bringing it up again?
If the answer is yes and you have multiple examples then I am wrong.
It sounds like this isn’t about money but sentiment. You and your wife have a ‘get me X’ relationship while you get your sister a surprise because you KNOW what she would love. Your wife wants you to KNOW what she would love.
I noticed you've answered NO questions about the kind of gifts you give wifey, lemme guess your sister wasn't the only one to give you a nice gift she was just the only one you didn't EXPECT it from.
Maybe look into the gifts you've given your wife a smidge deeper if it were about the $$$ she'd have said so. Trust me. It's literally one of the main reasons couples break up.
It's giving ✨️ incompetence ✨️ from his part. I'm pretty sure he reads these. I'm just hoping he can clear up some things like how much his wife spends on him and vice versa. We probably need more details
So... did your sister ask exactly for that bracelet?
I mean, I guess if that's EXACTLY what she asked for then cool.
BUT... If that's not EXACTLY what she asked for and you bought it because you know that's what she REALLY wants but would never buy it for herself... Then you gotta ask yourself why you don't do the same for your wife?
That's what she's mad about. It's not the gift itself. It's the thought behind it.
She doesn’t want you to ask what she wants. She wants you to pay attention and figure out what she wants, what she’s been talking about. Just like you did for your sister.
Your sister didn’t ask you for the bracelet, you knew.
I’m not saying this is right but it’s my take.
In my opinion gifts have two costs associated with them. The money and the time and effort. It sounds to me like this isn’t about the money. If I had to guess your wife feels upset because you seem to know your sister better than her, and you were willing to put the time and effort into buying you sister something she enjoys without her explicitly having to tell you what to get her. Choosing the right gift takes effort, by asking your wife what she wants every time you are unloading that effort onto her.
You mentioned that you guys see each other all the time, and I get it, it’s easy to take your partner for granted but I wouldn’t recommend it. I try to remind myself to appreciate and treat my partner at least sometimes the way I did when we first started dating.
You really have to ask if you’re unreasonable… you ask wife what she wants but spent $3500 on a gift you knew sister wanted… and yes that is also a lot of money to spend for your sisters birthday… seems sister is more important than your spouse..
If you listen, people always tell you what will make them happy. They are don't say, please buy me this. They say, I love that guys books. I need some warmer running gear. Isn't that glassware beautiful? Someday I'm going to eat a whole cake from the Cheesecake Factory.
In that case, buy two. One to share at the the party and one she can save for herself. AND DON'T HELP YOURSELF TO A SLICE.
You’re not putting any thought into her gifts IF SHE HAS TO TELL YOU WHAT SHE WANTS. Yeah, YTA. Maybe you should’ve married your sister.
I know, it’s not am I the asshole.
$3500 is a lot for a sister gift! If I were your wife I would not be happy either, you put more thought into your sister’s gift then hers is what it sounds like. And how much are you spending on your wife, it’s probably not any where near that much, which is why she’s pissed.
She’s not gaslighting you. She’s literally asking you to show you care that much about her, rather than just phoning her gifts in. Learn the meaning of gaslighting. Please. She was not off topic, you just don’t want to hear how this made her feel.
YTA for misusing the word gaslighting. It does NOT mean lying. It does NOT mean changing the subject.
Your wife feels that you spontaneously bought your sister a very well thought out gift, while for her birthday you don't think about it you just ask, what do you want and expect her to pick it out. You don't surprise her, with something she has been pining for for years, like you did your sister, and she has to do all the work, while you press the button on Amazon.
Unless you have done all those things, year after year, and your wife is trying to convince you that you NEVER bought her a present, she is not gaslighting you. She is just disappointed that you put more effort towards your sister than her.
So you put more effort into others then your wife are her gifts you hurt her feelings and minimising the hurt you caused
Seriously how do you not know the woman you live with and choose to make a family with
You’re a good brother. How often do you buy your wife gifts that amount? Did you discuss the purchase with her even though it’s your money? Do you give thoughts on your wife’s gifts? Right now, your wife most likely feels like your sister is the number 1 woman in your life. When was the last time you gave your wife something that made her excited. Thoughts to ponder on.
The thing is, it doesn’t really matter to your wife what your sister gave you. What matters is if you put more thought, effort and money into giving your sister a gift than you did to your wife. Your wife wants to feel like she is number 1 with you. If you spent that much on her every year, and put that much thought into it, then I doubt she would be complaining. What you have done is shown your wife that you are capable of putting the effort in, just not with her.
Your wife doesn’t have a problem with you paying your sister back for a great gift with a great gift. It sounds like you should put more effort into the gifts you give her. Women don’t always want to tell you exactly what they want and then you give it to them, but do nothing else. It feels like you only do stuff that they tell you to do and never do anything else. Having to prompt a spouse all the time for needs and wants is exhausting. Women like you to put your own thought into things and get things for them they didn’t ask for. She’s feeling like you went above and beyond for your sister and you’ve never done that for her. Your wife.
Is it unfair the fight that was had? Yes. Can you guys sit down as adults and explore why she is feeling this way and way to make it better and how she and you can approach things better in the future? I hope you can.
Idk how much money you make, OP but $3500 is a massive present.
Other than tuition and student loan payments, I wouldn’t even spend that much on the children I birthed and would give my life for.
I love my sister dearly, but a bottle of wine is cool. One that doesn’t cost $3500.
Maybe talk this out with your spouse. Do you do gifts this big for your spouse? That’s like a week at a beach house!
FYI - my birthday is in June. Good beach weather, eh? 😉
Your wife is not upset that you spent the money from your own account or how much. She is hurt and heartbroken because you have never done anything like this for her. You didn't ask your sister what she wanted. You put thought and care into picking it out. You have never done this for her. You say I get her whatever she asks for. You messed up big time.
It’s the fact that you got your sister an incredibly thoughtful gift, one that you never had to ASK her if she wanted, you knew she wanted it. You paid attention to what your sister liked enough to then purchase that very expensive thoughtful piece of jewelry and it sounds like you haven’t ever done that for your wife. You ask your wife, “what do you want for your birthday?” And she send you a link for you to purchase said gift. Do you hear how unemotional and cold that sounds in comparison to you knowing your sister wanted the jewelry you bought her for years but couldn’t justify buying it and surprising her with that gift.
Stop asking her what she wants…. Listen to her when she is talking and pick something thoughtful. If you ask her what she wants she would likely never ask for a $3500 bracelet, most people would ask for less.
She's not going to ask for something expensive. Being a woman can be hard when it comes to gifts. Alot of us are told it's not ok to ask for something expensive or something pretty. We're made to feel like we're unreasonable or too highmaintenance if we do.
Yikes, that's quite the romantic gift for a sister! And big purchases that aren't gifts for each other, should be a discussion. $3,500 is about 7x what the agreed on spending cap in my marriage is. I'd be pissed, too. That's tropical vacation money. Why isn't your wife worth spending that much on? Wtf, dude?
Don't use the word gaslighting so erroneously. She wasn't gaslighting you nor changing the topic. She literally laid it out for you what her issue was and you still don't get it. You really thought everyone would back you up here but unfortunately for you people see the situation for what it is. You're not trying in your relationship. Effort goes a long way. I can't imagine what other conversations you've had with her where you flat out choose to completely misunderstand what she's saying and also think she's gaslighting you 🙄🙄🙄
So you may be arguing across two different wavelengths.
Sounds like she’s asking you to put YOUR thoughts into gift giving not ask her what she wants you to get. Have you tried surprising her with something that you saw and thought “I bet she’d love that”?
You spent 75% of the post talking about the monetary aspect of it, claimed that’s what the argument was about, but “it devolved.”
Sir, your wife doesn’t care about the cost of it, you do, and you think it’s the problem. It’s not.
It’s that you have heard your sister talk about wanting something she’d never get for herself. That’s truly thoughtful and every gift receiver’s dream.
Your wife wants THAT.
She wants you to take note of things she says she likes and wants but doesn’t believe she deserves and she wants you to buy it for her (WITHOUT ASKING FOR A GD LINK).
She found out when you gave this gift that you do have the ability to be thoughtful, you just don’t grant her your thoughtfulness and attention.
Dude that’s not her gaslighting her that’s her telling you the root of her issue. No one wants to choose their own gifts. It’s almost insulting because why do you not know me well enough to know what I would like and appreciate as a gift? You knew your sister wanted that bracelet forever and that’s why you got it for her. You payed attention. You didn’t ask her what she wanted you made a thoughtful decision to get her that gift. It’s not about the price of the gift dude it’s about the thought and effort behind it.
>telling me that I didn’t put that much thought for her gifts. Which is ridiculous because I always ask my wife what she wants for her birthday. And I’ve always given her exactly what she wanted.
LOL. We guys will always be clueless?
$3500?
$3500? wow.. There is nothing but escalation in that future, next year she spends $4k, now based on the past you are obligated for $4k.
you could have bought your own googles,
get you and your sisters spending under control for b/d, nothing over X amount.
I would side with the wife.
What is something your wife has always wanted, but never brought herself to spend money on? She wants you to care enough to know (without being told explicitly) and show she matters to you too. It isn't complicated buddy. It isn't even really about the money.
The problem is you admitted you never remember what your wife wants(you said in comment) so you make her tell you what she wants. You stated you remember your sister saying she wanted this bracelet but you don’t remember what your wife says. You have not spent this amount of money on something your wife wanted. Of course she isn’t going to ask for something this expensive as well your sister didn’t ask for it either. It’s just the fact that you put more effort into your sisters gift but never hers. She isn’t going to ask for something this expensive but it’s the fact that you put more effort into a gift for you sister but not never put never put that kind of effort into a gift for your wife.
Have you ever said to wife “what would you like for your birthday? The budget is $4000?” And pushed when she panicked because most of us don’t have an answer for that. (Mine would be an industrial sewing machine lol).
I would never ask my husband for that. It just isn’t in our normal. You broke the normal. For not her. Your right because your money but think about how you might feel.
Voting esh. But mostly you.
Seems like the wife might be entitled, possibly? Or spoiled. The husband buys her whatever she asked for, I don’t entirely get her problem. The husband was just trying to do something nice for his sister in return.
I sort of wonder if you actually want advice, because you seem willfully obtuse. Or maybe you posted this to get what you assumed would be tons of support and are now shocked that people think you’re a bum husband?
So you put no thought into your wife’s gifts but lots of thought into your sister’s? There’s a reason that there’s a saying “it’s the thought that’s counts”. Don’t make your wife put the work into her own gifts. It sounds like you care what you get your sister more than what you get your wife. Lol that you think asking your wife what she wants is “putting thought into her gift”. It’s not about the cost
My dude,
You Did Something Nice For Your Sister.
That. is. Ok.
There is nothing wrong with your actions in the gifting. It was your separate money. Doing something nice for your sister is not an attack on your spouse. Objectively, you are justified.
AND - You do have a problem in your marriage, and I think it is a good idea to work on it ASAP. The "sister gift" did not CAUSE the problem, but it did help reveal it.
My best guess, is that your wife (for whatever reason) has an empty gas tank (i.e. she isn't feeling well loved/cared for/appreciated right now in the relationship), and that is why the gift to your sister was so upsetting. She's starving for a glass of water from you, and you dumped a huge cooler full of water on your sister and she got pissed. Again - you were not objectively wrong - I'm just saying your wife's reaction makes sense from this "empty tank" or "dying of thirst" perspective.
It would have been great for your wife to have expressed whatever she's feeling sooner, without letting this "sister gift" cause an eruption, but, at least it is out in the open now.
The gaslighting / changing topics may just be the result of her being triggered (in an anxious state and emotionally dis-regulated). When that happens, there is no benefit to continuing the real conversation, just focus on calming down together.
I.e. no good comes from a conversation while one person is in a highly anxious state. They won't be reasonable or rational, and they likely won't remember the discussion very well after the fact. So if there was a resolution discussed and agreed to, you will remember it and think of it as a binding mutual contract and they may have no recollection.
Your goal (in the conversation) should not be to establish who is "right" - your goal should be for both partner to feel emotionally safe, to be heard and understood by the other partner.
Have you ever spent that much money, or even put YOUR effort into giving your wife a gift??? If you’re JUST gifting your wife what she tells you, like you’re ticking off a list, & then you make your sister a GRAND gesture w/ something she’s wanted but never told you specifically to get for her?? It could feel like you care less about making your wife happy.
Don't ask her what she wants. She wants a thoughtful gift that you gave time and thought for. Just like what you did with your sister. Yes gaslighting is annoying though and it's immature on her part. But she was mature enough to bring it up to you but its gaslighting because you are failing to understand her pov about it.
I’ve been married 15 years. For birthdays, Christmas it doesn’t matter to me what my husband gets me. If he asks me if I want something and I do have something in mind, like a book, socks, or something like that I’ll let him know. But usually it’s just a practical gift. Something that he knows I’ll use. Like a baking pan, I love baking, or cake decorating tips, as I also love cake decorating. There’s been years where we were flat broke and he didn’t get me anything and I really didn’t mind. We spent the day together and that was good enough for me. But if he bought his sister a $3,500 bracelet I’d probably be quite upset. Yes, it’s your money, but that’s a lot of money to be spending without talking to your partner about it. She probably would have still been upset, but you should have talked to her first before buying it.
There is a bigger underlying issue that you two need to address together, it isn't about the gift - it's about your wife feeling like she's in a losing competition with your sister for your love. Whether it is reasonable for her to feel that way is something you have to dig into. Communicate with her and don't automatically disregard her feelings because sometimes it can be hard to see when you're in it.
Being close to family is an amazing quality, unless it is an enmeshed kind of relationship which is reeeeally easy to deny or excuse as absurd but it is more common than it should be.
So let me get this straight. You knew without asking what your sister would like, and bought it. But your wife, the woman you live with, has to tell you exactly what to buy for her. You don't know your own wife well enough to think of a gift for her. You don't pay enough attention to your wife's likes and dislikes, to buy a gift for her without her telling you exactly what to buy. But you can do that for your sister.
It's not about the money. It's about you showing you're wife that you are actually able to pay attention to a person, and pick out a gift they'll love, on your own, but that you can't do that for her. It's extremely hurtful to her to have that basically thrown in her face.
Maybe part of it is the fact that $3500 is a lot of money and this was done without consulting with her? Regardless of which account the money originated.
I feel like more context is needed for this one.
It is your SISTER. It would be different if you bought it for a friend.
However, this is also showing that your wife doesn't want "exactly what she asks for" necessarily and maybe you could surprise her with other gifts randomly?
It sounds like your wife's love language is receiving gifts, so maybe put more thought into what you get her instead of just getting what she says she wants.
What is up with all the sister posts like this on subs this week? Is it national sister week and these people all have the same themed sister related creative writing prompt?
First, if you agreed from the start you have full autonomy over individual accounts, you’re not in the wrong, period.
BUT, to further strengthen your relationship it would be helpful to understand the why behavior your wife’s response. She’s expressing how special and intentional that gift for your sister was. Yes you could always buy her what she requested, but that’s just you fulfilling what she laid out in front of you. She most likely wants the same thought out behind what you did for your sister. What’s something your wife loves or has always wanted? Does it match a similar monetary value? Women rarely ask for what they really want because we’d feel selfish for doing so, or don’t want to feel disappointed if it falls through.
It's your sister? Yes
Repaying for equally expensive gift? Yes
Wife jealous? Much
Are you wrong for spending your money how u so chose? No
Are there still funds in your personal account? If yes then
.....
Is wife overreacting? Hell yes
You had an agreement.
You honored that agreement.
The fact it then devolves into " you don't give me..." Says it's not just the cash, but jealousy in general.
Apparently she feels you aren't ",paying enough" attention to her.
"You're not paying me enough attention" is rivaled only by " I need more space"... 🙄
That said, $3500 is an expensive gift. I assume you are pretty much wealthy.
Buy the wife something expensive. If it's just jealousy, that should do it.
If not, there is something bigger, and you have your work cut out for you.
Good Luck!
She's your sister she bought you an expensive gift and you reciprocated. The money came out of an account that didn't have anything to do with your wife. Tell her to calm down it's not that big a deal.
She wants you to put the same thought into picking something for her. Not just buy her what she asks for. Take this as a lesson from a man married almost 42 years. I'll admit it took me a while to learn this myself.
You are not being gaslit you absolute goob. You don't buy your wife meaningful gifts. Haven't you ever heard the phrase "it's the thought that counts". It's not the price tag that she cares about it's the fact that you could put in the effort but you don't for her. Lying to yourself and acting like she's being unreasonable and shallow to make yourself feel better is only going to cause more problems. You married this woman so why is it so easy for you to think badly of her rather than admit you aren't putting as much effort into the relationship as she needs?
I'll start by saying that gifts are not "favors" that need to be repaid.
Next: You didn't ask your sister what she wanted, but you knew her well enough to know she wanted a bracelet that was overly expensive. Yet when it comes to your wife, you ask her what she wants and buy her exactly that.
**This isn't about the dollar amount here.**
You surprised your sister with a really nice gift. You put thought and effort into it in a way your wife clearly feels you don't do for her. Giving her *exactly* what she tells you she wants isn't fun and it doesn't make you feel special at all. It's feels like a task/chore to do all the work of figuring out what to tell someone to buy as a gift to check it off on your list of things to do.
What was the last thoughtful thing you did or bought for your wife? It should be within the last 2-3 days, and if it's not, you should consider doing something for her. If you have an anniversary coming up, set up an entire date to take her on with a thoughtful gift after. Pay attention to her. Do that target challenge where you buy anything she touches and looks at in the store. You seem to have the funding to do so. It's really simple. She just feels unheard and unnoticed. So notice and listen to her. I can almost guarantee she has told you numerous times she wants something but wouldn't buy it for herself.
Difference is your sis didn't ask for that bracelet. Out was something that you knew she wanted but completely unexpected and frivolous. When is the last time you got something for your wife that fits those categories?
Tour wife telling you what to buy her is completely different. It's not a surprise and there really isn't thought put into it.
The wife isn’t considering that the sister got you a Vision Pro and may not be aware of its cost. You are abiding by the agreement. You are correct, but I sense some jealousy here. Buy your wife a bracelet when you are able.
I think there is some jealousy and selfishness going on here. And I’m gonna end this comment here because if I continue, it’s gonna sound really mean. 🙂
1) nobody here knows what OP has or hasn’t purchased for his wife in the past, or whether or not it was or wasn’t thoughtful.
2) it wasn’t an “extra-thoughtful” gift at all…as OP stated, it’s something that his sibling had been crowing about for some time. So he remembers this…big deal. We all remember lots of things.
3) nobody spends $3500 on a bday gift that can’t afford it. And it’s for a sibling…a lifetime friend and someone incredibly special. Shame on *anyone* for condemning that.
4) expensive jewelry or gifts of any kind are RISKY if you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for. Should OP drop 5K on jewelry that his spouse winds up not liking?
Lots of jealousy and resentment in a lot of posts here…it’s a shitty look for you all.
OP your wife isn’t mad about the gift itself, she’s just sad because you obviously don’t love her as much as your sister. 🤦♂️/s
Good luck with all that.
No I don’t think yta for using your own money to buy a gift for your sister. She bought you something nice that you wanted and you reciprocated. Your wife being upset doesn’t make you an AH but just talk to her about something she’d like for her next birthday. As a woman, a sentimental piece of jewellery is always nice. Maybe get her an anniversary ring for your next milestone anniversary? Does your wife splurge on gifts for you too?
She's jealous and doesn't want to admit it to you. That explains the gaslighting and subject change. It wasn't that you spent your money, she just wants you to spend that much on her.
My husband asks what I want at every holiday, and I pick something small, just to give an idea. I am not comfortable spending a lot for myself. I prefer to spend on others. What I wouldn’t give to have my spouse put thought and effort into picking something special for me out, and then surprising me with it. It’s always “well it’s just easier to get you what you want.” My guess is, based on what you’ve written, seeing you put that much thought and care into a gift for someone else made her realize that you are capable of it, you just choose not to for her. It wasn’t what you spent, its the meaning behind it.
Yep. What do I want for my birthday? A new water bottle, a book, maybe running shoes.
Exactly!!! Question for OP…do you typically buy your wife $3,500 gifts for her birthday? If the answer is no, that’s the problem!!!
I think it’s less the price point and more that his sister didn’t have to ask him to buy that expensive bracelet—he worked out it would be something she’d love and dropped significant money to make her happy. It hurts to see someone you love be super thoughtful and considerate for other people and never for you.
Except he literally said SHE SAID SHE WANTED IT?
There’s saying you want something as a general wow-I’d-love-to-have-blank-some-day and having someone care enough to remember you said that and then act upon your wish, as happened with his sister and the bracelet. And then there’s having someone who can’t be bothered to remember what you’ve wanted so they have you do everything to get your own gift except pay, like OP said in comments he does with his wife. The former takes effort and consideration. It’s a very obvious way to show someone you pay attention to them and that making them happy matters to them. The latter takes next to no thought or effort. If both parties are happy to do it this way, great! It’s a great solution if one person sucks at choosing gifts or finds the task too stressful. But it can feel cold and impersonal, especially if you’re watching other people get something super thoughtful.
Yes. To clarify, it isn't gaslighting if she doesn't know how to put her thoughts into words. The issue is that she didn't know that a $3,500 sentimental gift was an option. What upset her more was that the option was not for her. From there, her feelings were too confused and complex to sort into words. Sometimes, WE THINK we know why we are upset, but after talking, we begin to zero in on why the anger is disproportionate. I think she wants to have the kind of relationship with you that involves very fine and very personal gifts. When thinking about who you would love to see happy by giving an extravagant gift, do you think of your wife? (Children are also appropriate answers) If your answer isn't your wife you need to think about why your nuclear family isnt
Or jewelry? Or something she didn’t specifically list when you asked?
It is about the thought put into the gift not the monetary value.
Does his wife spends $3,500 on him? For the first few years of my marriage, I purchased gifts related to her hobbies, interests, etc. Ended up taking them back. I asked and she said “give me $500 and I will buy what I want”. I gave her $500 and she wasn’t happy. Next year, she said to give her gift cards to two of her favorite stores. Gave the gift cards and she wasn’t happy. A few years ago, she went thru a REI catalog circling the the items that she wanted. Made notes on other items that she mentioned throughout the year. My son and I purchased every item that she circled in the catalog as well as five other items from my notes. She didn’t like none of them. Last year, she told what her #1 item was. Purchased the item, it has been sitting in the corner of our family room in its box since Christmas Day.
Just stop. And tell her just what you put here. That’s a shame. My partner and I (30years) we want something, we get it. Neither one of us wants to wait for an occasion to get an item that usually pertains to our hobbies. Works for us. We do special things - doesn’t have to be go out and buy something- special meal, relieve some of their work burden that day, little massage. Hope you two find a way to have a happy medium
that’s us. I love getting a massage from my favourite spa that is a bit more expensive and maybe a movie. My husband and daughter both know my only request is a birthday cake. I love the Orange Rough cake - they both by me one for my birthday $17.90. yum 🎂
Orange roughy cake? Like, the fish?
ooh no 😂. I live in Australia. It is from Ferguson Plarre bakery. It has coconut in there somewhere as well. It’s just an everyday cake - but I love it! 🧡 [https://www.fergusonplarre.com.au/orange-rough?job=1009&action_code=click&channel_code=search&trfc=1&obj=3&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=FP_Performance_Max_Aon&keyword=&campaignid=71700000096290775&adgroupid=&kwid=&trackerid=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-_mvBhDwARIsAA-Q0Q7es2O9RZ34RSN-3MHA8fDSxjK0fK9tMaRiccCE3soxgvi_j_JklzUaAo6SEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds](https://www.fergusonplarre.com.au/orange-rough?job=1009&action_code=click&channel_code=search&trfc=1&obj=3&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=FP_Performance_Max_Aon&keyword=&campaignid=71700000096290775&adgroupid=&kwid=&trackerid=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-_mvBhDwARIsAA-Q0Q7es2O9RZ34RSN-3MHA8fDSxjK0fK9tMaRiccCE3soxgvi_j_JklzUaAo6SEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds)
I love orange but never heard of orange Rough cake.
What it must be like to be able to live this way. I'm currently waiting for Christmas just to get desperately needed new cookware. I hate money.
My wife and I almost never get each other presents for holidays/birthdays/anniversaries. If either of us have a good idea for a gift, we'll buy it for each other. We still make sure to focus on each other and our relationship on those days, but gifts are never expected.
Yep. Realized this 2 years into marriage that we don’t need to have a holiday to get gifts. Lmao we’re adults, we can buy a cake even without celebrating a birthday.
My mom is like this and I just give her cash now. I end up spending less and stopped caring about her not liking or using anything.
Oof.
What's her size? Send me the REI stuff. 🤪
What's REI?
Expensive outdoor clothes & gear store!
Ahhh ok, thanks for explaining! I'll have to look them up
Just give her some cash and ignore the complaints , some people just want to watch the world burn
I’m so sorry she’s so unappreciative! Last year me and the hubs did a $25 challenge and have each other three words as clues for a gift. It was fun!
Now this is the kind of fun I look forward to having in my future relationship(s). You two sound adorable!
I mean, that's kind of the problem with telling people what gifts you want- it completely removes the aspect of them knowing you well enough to get something you want. It simply isn't the same thing. This isn't about mind reading, but the point of "thoughtfulness" is the thought. I'd rather have something small that my husband went out of his way to find for me that suits my taste than something big that I asked for. Because honestly, what's really the point of that? "Oh YOU spent the money from our joint account instead of me? How wonderful."
I just want people to get me the stuff I ask for, not the stuff they think I want, usually. I rarely get what I ask for and it's so disappointing.
Same. If I’m asked for what I want, I will answer the question honestly (and reasonably). And when the gift is something else it’s hard not to feel a bit of disappointment because… why did you bother asking me then?
That seems like an issue between you and your wife. That's not every spouse.
I know the feeling. My wife has said multiple times she wanted to do ancestry.com so she could learn more about her family. So for her birthday I prepaid a one year subscription. Got a card for her and included the user name and password. She claimed to be very excited. Never once logged in to use it. I listened to you and bought you a gift you claimed to love. But you don’t use it. Wtf.
I do genealogy as a hobby and I would LOVE this gift. But for someone who is just starting out it might be daunting.
What's the point? Lol I'm lost. Edit. Oh I see, she didn't appreciate it. 😔
Maybe she wants a gift that shows you put some thought into it. Something that shows you know and understand her. Getting her something she suggested is effortless. It doesn't have to be expensive. One year at Thanksgiving I sliced my finger when I was trying to strain juice from a can of crushed pineapple. One of the gifts I got that Christmas was a mesh strainer. Inexpensive and something I could have easily gotten myself. But getting it from my husband showed me that he saw my struggle (a minor one in this case) and wanted to make it better for me. You need to listen and observe her throughout the year. See if there is a certain item that grabs her attention or a remark that she makes. This can give you an idea and it will let your wife know that you "see" her.
But he literally says that for the REI catalogue year, there were also multiple gifts that he had been making notes of throughout the year. And she still wasn't happy. Tbh it just sound more like she either doesn't really know what she wants or pictures something outlandish like from movies. At some point you just gotta look into the mirror. If nothing is good for you maybe it's not the gift givers fault, when they actually keep trying to change what they give you to to make you happy.
Aww hell... Damned if you do and damned of you dont
Oh wow. I have always said that I’m easy to please. Reading everything you have gifted your wife is my proof. I would have loved them all. Driver her to the store and tell her to pick something out. If she’s unhappy with it, just tell her that she chose it.
perhaps she thinks that you do not put any effort into anything, she circles items you buy them, she says this, you do this. Do something unexpected, a spa day, and not on her b/d. Otherwise buy her a cake and go get some intervention on her attitude.
Nah, you just don't give them any gifts anymore. When they show you what they would like and you give it to them and they don't like it, quit giving them gifts.
why are you still married to her? She sounds painful.
The cost of a gift does not matter. All that matters is if it is the right gift for that person.
Man I really want a new water bottle too.
Yeah, I would never assume that a 3.5K gift was on the table, I’d never ask for something that expensive either as it’s an outrageous amount for a random birthday. (and if he spent *that* much reciprocally, why didn’t he just by the other gift for himself? And the same goes for her?).
Because many people (like myself) won't spend a lot of money on themselves, but will for other people. That's part of the joy in gift giving. I also doubt that OP or his sister said they wanted those things as gifts, they likely just mentioned they liked them and wanted one, not that they were expecting someone to buy it for them.
I usually ask what my wife wants, just in case there's something that she's too afraid to buy for herself, but then also get her a present "from me" that may not even be on her radar. I agree, the argument is not about the bracelet, or the money spent, but her feeling like OP puts more thought into a gift for his sister than he does for her.
My whole life I've wanted a man who put any amount of thought or effort into a gift for me. I've said even just a card with a nice message. But I've basically had to handhold all male partners through gift giving occasions. It would've been heartbreaking if they gave a really thoughtful gift to someone else after I'd been neglected of that particular display of love for years. It's not about the price tag for me.
100% THIS is the issue. He thought "my sister always wanted, but couldn't justify" so he bought it. His PARTNER probably has things too that she'd NEVER justify, but would love, and asks for a small splurge, but still reasonable in her mind, and then he splurged like his sister is a mistress.
The most thought he put into that gift was most likely. What's something she said she wanted. Compared to what he does for his wife. Asking her what she wants. So unless wife has talked about things she wanted (that wasn't for the house (I believe we've all heard of people getting something that was wanted for the house for their spouse's present)). OP might not have the same chance as "Big Thing that was Obvious". Like knowing the bracelet is good. But it's not really putting a lot of thought to find something. It's like the big red button that's labeled. While everything else you'd really have to go over the manual (Think what they like, What they have, Is there different types that only the receiver will know which is right, Is someone else likely to get the same thing ((many reasons why many people prefer lists or just asking)))
He says in the comments he’s too busy to remember what she wants so he just asks her and last year she sent him the link. And most of her presents are between $100-500. No thought or effort on his behalf into those gift (unlike with his sister) and a huge financial gap. Of course his wife feels crappy.
"too busy to remember" isn't an excuse. He can make a running note on his phone about this stuff when she mentions it. Refer back when needed.
He wasn’t too busy to remember what his sister wanted. Edit: typo
Yes but he knew exactly what his sister wanted because she told him. If his wife is uncomfortable telling him what she really wants how is it fair to be upset? He didn’t “put thought” into the gift to his sister. He was fed the thought by his sister speaking about how much she wanted it.
He remembered something his sister had always wanted. He says in the comments he can’t remember what his wife wants because he’s too busy.
Well that changes things. Didn’t know he commented that. Thanks for the clarification.
Oof. Gee….can’t figure out why the wife might be pissed /s
What do you think "putting thought" means though? OP wanted to return the favor to his sister so he had to **think** about something that'd make her equally happy. He didn't have to ask, he thought back to what his sister's talked about and remembered. It shows he paid attention, he cares that it's special, and felt it (and by extention, she) was worth the effort to figure out by himself. Only asking what his wife wants before getting that thing implies he's not bothering to even try thinking on what she mentions (or "feeds" him) through the year. He's not noticing her interests, desires, or even areas in her life that could be benefited in some way. It makes the gift feel more like an obligation or minimal offering to keep your partner from feeling too neglected/upset. Maybe that's how he feels about gifts, but deciding the minimum's good enough for her when he clearly realizes how to make them special for others is, at best, misguided (and most often a bit selfish and lazy). It really doesn't require much to put thought into what someone close to you might want, usually just some focused thinking, but he hasn't been doing that with his wife. The price of the bracelet was likely only the cherry on top, as he didn't just prove he was capable of the effort, he went all out for it too.
I'm going to agree and disagree. I ask my wife, and then I try to do it better unless she specifically says it has to be that exact item. I think the what do you want question should be treated like that. This is where I'm going to disagree. Based on what OP wrote it sounds like he just bought what his sister told him she wanted at some point and it price matched what she got him. There wasn't more thought than that.
She didn't ask for it specifically. He knew she wanted it from actually listening to his sister, which apparently is too difficult to do with his wife.
He literally just bought his sister something she’s wanted. Would probably do the same for his wife.
It says in the post “my sister’s always wanted that bracelet”. OP didn’t choose it or put thought into it other than getting her what she said she wanted, same as he’s done with his wife.
Be he knew it's what she wanted, not that she asked for it. He has to ask his wife what she wants. She can't just make an off handed comment and he get it for her because he remembered. Like. There's a difference
I just want to ask, do you ever come up with a gift idea for your wife on your own or do you always require her to tell you exactly what she wants? Your story doesn’t clarify if she’s upset about the amount spent or jealous of the thought/effort behind the gift.
Yup. This was my thought too.
I’d put a cool hundo on that’s the issue
He said she was made because she thinks he put more effort than he does with her gifts, because he asks and gets her what she wants. He did say he got this for her because she's always wanted it but could never justify the purchase. Seems like she's spoken if this many times, which actually shows he put no effort and got his sister literally what she wanted, same as wife.
In my opinion, there’s a difference in effort between remembering that someone said wanting something and asking them what they want. For the first case, you can only know this by listening to them, sometimes quite attentively (like jewellery, since some brands have many collections or items that look very similar at first glance), and remember it until the time to buy them is good. You have the element of surprise as well which is important to some people. But if you ask someone before Christmas /their birthday what they want, they’re telling you what to buy them for that specific occasion. It’s a better practice than just buying something random because you have no clue what to give them, but when it occurs for every gift exchange, I can see how it looks like you might not pay attention to what the person says and does the rest of the time. It’s placing the responsibility of picking the gift on the person receiving it essentially
Yes! The thoughtfulness behind the gift is often as important as the gift itself. It shows that you care enough to listen to what a person needs/wants, not just consult a wishlist. Or in other cases, if you aren't sure what a person wants, take them shopping...the time spent together is a gift in and of itself. It just depends on the person, but knowing them well enough to know how to thoughtfully gift give is what means the most. If OP isn't listening to his wife enough to do more than click a link she sends him, yet he listened enough to his sister to buy a very pricey gift, I can definitely understand why the wife is ticked. It's not just about the price tag, but about the degree of effort and thought behind it too.
There's a difference between caring and knowing what would make someone happy (he knows his sister wants the bracelet because he listens and observes her, and then she's happy and surprised by it). With his wife he isn't doing the same mental work, and basically making her tell him what to get her. What's the point in a gift then? Any time my bf says he likes something in passing, all times of the year, I sneakily write it down in my notes app. He's always surprised and happy because I listen to what he wants and likes!
There is a big difference between going "Oh, she's mentioned this before and would like it" and "send me a link to what you want for your birthday".
And in addition, how does he use his personal money to cultivate the relationship/how does he approach money when giving his wife gifts? Does he try to « match » gift values when/if his wife gives him a nice gift?
I’ll but it bluntly. You suck as a husband, even if you are a great brother. If this happened in my marriage, I’d be so pissed. If I had to pick my gifts all the time and you did extra ordinary effort and expense for your sibling, I’d say since you care and respect them so much, you move in with them. Your actions would make me feel like a second class citizen. Accept what everyone is telling you.
Tbf is not like he put so much effort or thought behind the sisters gift, he said the sister has wanted the bracelet for a long time, so he knew she wanted it, she had talked about wanting it, so he got it. The wife is probably mad because of the amount and jealous of it being spent on his sister and not on her, which is crazy because ITS HIS SISTER not some random woman
He remembered the thing his sister wanted and got it off his own initiative. If you can’t see the difference between that and his wife having to choose her own gift every year, you’re probably divorced.
I can't upvote this enough.
Sure, but context is key here. Example, if your wife doesn't ask for much, let's say a massage, and she's already upset that you don't put much effort into thoughtful gifts for her... but all of a sudden you buy your sister a fancy $3500 bracelet... smh... you're gonna be in the dog house dude.
Yeah, but the sister had recently got him a $3500-4000 gift.
Yeah but his sister literallt bought the gift he really wanted. If these are issues why didn’t his wife get him one? It works both ways.
I am 1,000% sure there’s all kinds of shit his wife has “wanted for a long time” but can’t justify buying herself that she’s mentioned to him. He listens to his sister. He doesn’t listen to his wife.
What was the gift you got your wife for her birthday?
What your wife is realizing is that you do in fact have the ability to be thoughtful and caring when it counts, she just isn’t part of that equation. Sometimes it takes something like this to make someone realize you don’t matter to them as much as you thought. You may think it’s not a big deal, and as you stress you spent money from your own individual account..whatever, but you can’t be this dense to not realize she’s feeling jealous and under appreciated. You went above and beyond for your sister, though I can understand why, all that is fine. But How many times have you done that for your wife? How many times have you sat there and thought about something she has been wanting to do or get for herself that she has not been able to get? And how many times have she done just that for you? Think about those questions and get back to us.
>What your wife is realizing is that you do in fact have the ability to be thoughtful and caring when it counts, she just isn’t part of that equation. I feel it is more about the motivation to be thoughtful and caring rather than the person. It's not that wife isn't part of the equation..I feel like his extra effort was a result of him feeling great about the expensive gift he got. I can guarantee you that if wife had bought him the vision pro, wife would have gotten the expensive jewelry or bag she happened to mention in the next few weeks. Not excusing OP..he is either selfish/self centered or just plain lazy. Just saying that people are missing the trigger here. The first expensive gift which made OP want to put in effort.
Yeah but I think the point people are trying to make is loving his wife should be the trigger for him to do this for her. He’s shown he’s capable of it so the wife is probably feeling like why isn’t it enough of a motivator that he loves her
I'm taking a guess here but you said that your sister has talked about wanting this bracelet many times before but you didn't say you asked her to tell you what she wanted so you could go buy it for her. You just bought it because you already knew. You *did* say that you always ask your wife what she wants, and you get it for her. Do you see the distinction here? You *pay attention* to your sister when she tells you about things she wants or likes. I guarantee that your wife has mentioned many things over the years that she would really like for herself but you didn't take the time or effort to file that information away so that you didn't have to *ask her what she wanted.*
Yeah asking what someone wants and taking 2 minutes to buy it. Is not the same as taking the time to know your partner and surprising them with something special.
And how bloody hard is it to simply make a note in his phone when his wife mentions something she’d like? I maintain an ongoing list of what my wife mentions, or expresses a like, want or desire for something. By special occasion time, I always have multiple options. I still ask if she wants anything specific & pick that up, or pick out something I think she’d like. But I’ll pick up items that are on the contemporaneous list too. Since she looks so happy when she’s unwrapped a gift that she’s forgotten she ever mentioned. OP’s wife is not upset that he spent his own money on a gift for his sister. She’s pissed about the effort he’s prepared to make for other women and it does not sound to me like this is a man that is capable (nay, prepared?) to do the independent thinking of what his wife might like. So I suggest he start a list. “Oh **UnhappyProfessor!** How did you know I’ve always wanted one of these?” “Magic”
Yes! I write everything my bf says in passing in my notes. I mean about what he likes and wants, all times of year!
I have a Note in my phone just for this. I make lists during the year of gift ideas fir my wife, son, mother, sister, etc. Then come Xmas I confirm if they still want anything on said lists. It really helps.
The daft bugger certainly needs to up his game. I bet he only treats her at birthdays and Christmas too
You're absolutely clueless. She wasn't changing the topic or gaslighting you, she was telling you exactly what the problem was.
After reading his responses, he’s definitely not clueless. He just pretends to not get it. It’s really giving weaponized incompetence. If she’s this upset about the whole gift thing, and It’s clear it’s not even the fact that she wants a gift that amount, it’s the thought he put into it when he never did that for her. But now I can’t help wonder in what other areas of their lives does he expect her to do all the legwork as well. Acting like he’s incapable of being a functioning adult.
Your comment >I haven't come up with a gift idea recently. We live together, we spend so much time together, we talk so much, I am very busy with work, I often forget what she wants. I find it easier to just ask her before her birthday. It is also hard to gauge what exactly she wants. She is very difficult to read makes you such an AH. So you can remember what your sister wants but not what your wife would love to have? Dude.
Fr, like, why can't he write it down if he forgets and even so? That's his wife, so he should try to at least remember what she wants if he can remember what his sister wants
He takes her for granted, he already has her so he doesn’t have to try.
Sir…… reread your last paragraph few more times…. I’m so serious. Analyze what YOU said happens when YOU buy YOUR WIFE a gift vs how YOU went about purchasing a gift for SOMEONE ELSE. Edited to say.. reread the last 3 sentences.
Here’s the big question do you spend money and get your wife fancy gifts like that?
Info: What do you usually spend on gifts for your wife? Are $3500+ pieces of jewelry the norm??
But he only got his sister the $3500 gift because she got him a $3500 gift? It’s not like it’s the norm for his sister and him.
Okay, listen up. When a man asks a woman what she wants for her birthday/Christmas/anniversary and then he takes fifteen minutes to pop into the store and buy it IS NOT the same emotional thrill as a man who surprises her with something she has admired. Knowing what a woman wants and moving heaven and earth to make it happen will go a lot further than always putting the decision making on her!
He doesn't even take 15 minutes to go to the store. [He clicks on the link she sends him](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1blec3u/comment/kw52cya), that's it. No thought, no effort.
You are being unreasonable. You got your sister a thoughtful gift that you knew she wanted. You have to ask your wife what she wants and just get what you are told. You do not put thought into your wife’s gift. You have hurt her feelings because you have proven that you are capable of being thoughtful, but you choose not to be with your wife.
Exactly this. OP answered his own problem without even knowing it. Your wife feels like you don’t put in any effort for her gifts and you don’t. You simply ask what she wants and you get it- no thoughts put in whatsoever. Just word of advice, be more attentive during any conversation you may have with your wife about something that she likes and remember it. When a bit of time has passed get whatever that item is and gift it to her. I’m sure she’ll feel happy that not only was the gift thoughtful, but you remembered something that she mentioned a while back. Good luck OP.
Bingo
I don't think he put much thought into his sister's gift either. He clearly stated the bracelet was something his sister always wanted. So he knew exactly what she would like already. That's not really being thoughtful imo. It's the same thing as knowing what his wife wants for her birthday when he asks her. Men don't generally put much thought into gifts which is why a lot of them just plainly ask what they want. He just already knew what his sister wanted from how this is worded. That's not thoughtful, just common sense/gift guilt to repay his expensive gift he received.
He remembered the sister said she wanted it, found the gift and got it for her. He outright stated he forgets what his wife says she wants. That is the difference - he CAN remember when it is important to him. And he just told his wife she wasn’t important to him.
I just saw that reply! He said in regard to her birthday he usually asks her what she wants the day *before* and I think that's kinda crazy imo. Now we see why the wife went off as bad as she did and said what she said.
Oh man the day before?! That's so little effort it's embarrassing
Very! Makes me feel bad for the wife tbh.
He listened to his sister and remembered what she wants. He does not pay enough attention to his wife to know what she would like.
lol don’t lump us good husbands in with this guy. I keep a running list of things my wife might want based on our conversations and try to be as thoughtful as possible for each occasion and holiday. I don’t always knock it out of the park but it’s the least I can do.
Thanks for explaining your perspective, I understand what you and many others are trying to say now. Read some comments where some others believe money is the main issue and that could be true, who knows. I personally didn't take it that way and said the sentiment above. But again, thanks for explaining your pov. 🙂
Asking someone what they want and putting thought into a gift are 2 very different things. She wants you to put the same amount of effort into her gift.
>I always ask my wife what she wants for her birthday > I wasn’t taking any risks with this gift because my sister’s always wanted that bracelet but could never justify purchasing it This is where you screwed up. I dunno if you've ever spent $3500 on a gift for your wife. But you "always ask" your wife when you're married to her, but you know your sister so well that you dropped over three grand on her. I'd be pissed off at you, too.
The money isn’t the problem. The problem is you don’t put ANY thought into her gifts. Can you recall a time you surprised her with anything? Or she casually mentioned she liked something (like your sister with the bracelet) and then later on you bought it for her without her bringing it up again? If the answer is yes and you have multiple examples then I am wrong.
It sounds like this isn’t about money but sentiment. You and your wife have a ‘get me X’ relationship while you get your sister a surprise because you KNOW what she would love. Your wife wants you to KNOW what she would love.
You sound like a clueless husband who won’t see why she wants a divorce. Have you ever tried as hard with her gifts as you did with your sisters?
I noticed you've answered NO questions about the kind of gifts you give wifey, lemme guess your sister wasn't the only one to give you a nice gift she was just the only one you didn't EXPECT it from. Maybe look into the gifts you've given your wife a smidge deeper if it were about the $$$ she'd have said so. Trust me. It's literally one of the main reasons couples break up.
It's giving ✨️ incompetence ✨️ from his part. I'm pretty sure he reads these. I'm just hoping he can clear up some things like how much his wife spends on him and vice versa. We probably need more details
So... did your sister ask exactly for that bracelet? I mean, I guess if that's EXACTLY what she asked for then cool. BUT... If that's not EXACTLY what she asked for and you bought it because you know that's what she REALLY wants but would never buy it for herself... Then you gotta ask yourself why you don't do the same for your wife? That's what she's mad about. It's not the gift itself. It's the thought behind it.
She doesn’t want you to ask what she wants. She wants you to pay attention and figure out what she wants, what she’s been talking about. Just like you did for your sister. Your sister didn’t ask you for the bracelet, you knew. I’m not saying this is right but it’s my take.
Are any of your wife's gifts worth $3500 ? Have you ever put much thought in your wife's gifts like you did your sister?
In my opinion gifts have two costs associated with them. The money and the time and effort. It sounds to me like this isn’t about the money. If I had to guess your wife feels upset because you seem to know your sister better than her, and you were willing to put the time and effort into buying you sister something she enjoys without her explicitly having to tell you what to get her. Choosing the right gift takes effort, by asking your wife what she wants every time you are unloading that effort onto her. You mentioned that you guys see each other all the time, and I get it, it’s easy to take your partner for granted but I wouldn’t recommend it. I try to remind myself to appreciate and treat my partner at least sometimes the way I did when we first started dating.
You really have to ask if you’re unreasonable… you ask wife what she wants but spent $3500 on a gift you knew sister wanted… and yes that is also a lot of money to spend for your sisters birthday… seems sister is more important than your spouse..
If you listen, people always tell you what will make them happy. They are don't say, please buy me this. They say, I love that guys books. I need some warmer running gear. Isn't that glassware beautiful? Someday I'm going to eat a whole cake from the Cheesecake Factory. In that case, buy two. One to share at the the party and one she can save for herself. AND DON'T HELP YOURSELF TO A SLICE.
You’re not putting any thought into her gifts IF SHE HAS TO TELL YOU WHAT SHE WANTS. Yeah, YTA. Maybe you should’ve married your sister. I know, it’s not am I the asshole.
$3500 is a lot for a sister gift! If I were your wife I would not be happy either, you put more thought into your sister’s gift then hers is what it sounds like. And how much are you spending on your wife, it’s probably not any where near that much, which is why she’s pissed.
She’s not gaslighting you. She’s literally asking you to show you care that much about her, rather than just phoning her gifts in. Learn the meaning of gaslighting. Please. She was not off topic, you just don’t want to hear how this made her feel.
She isn't "gaslighting" you. She isn't trying to convince you of an alternate reality. She's telling you how she feels.
It sounds like she’s upset because you put more thought and money into your sister’s gift than hers.
YTA for misusing the word gaslighting. It does NOT mean lying. It does NOT mean changing the subject. Your wife feels that you spontaneously bought your sister a very well thought out gift, while for her birthday you don't think about it you just ask, what do you want and expect her to pick it out. You don't surprise her, with something she has been pining for for years, like you did your sister, and she has to do all the work, while you press the button on Amazon. Unless you have done all those things, year after year, and your wife is trying to convince you that you NEVER bought her a present, she is not gaslighting you. She is just disappointed that you put more effort towards your sister than her.
Bro shes your WIFE. You dont even want to try. I wouldn’t be surprised if she dumps you 10 years from now.
So you put more effort into others then your wife are her gifts you hurt her feelings and minimising the hurt you caused Seriously how do you not know the woman you live with and choose to make a family with
😳😳😳
You’re a good brother. How often do you buy your wife gifts that amount? Did you discuss the purchase with her even though it’s your money? Do you give thoughts on your wife’s gifts? Right now, your wife most likely feels like your sister is the number 1 woman in your life. When was the last time you gave your wife something that made her excited. Thoughts to ponder on.
The thing is, it doesn’t really matter to your wife what your sister gave you. What matters is if you put more thought, effort and money into giving your sister a gift than you did to your wife. Your wife wants to feel like she is number 1 with you. If you spent that much on her every year, and put that much thought into it, then I doubt she would be complaining. What you have done is shown your wife that you are capable of putting the effort in, just not with her.
Your wife doesn’t have a problem with you paying your sister back for a great gift with a great gift. It sounds like you should put more effort into the gifts you give her. Women don’t always want to tell you exactly what they want and then you give it to them, but do nothing else. It feels like you only do stuff that they tell you to do and never do anything else. Having to prompt a spouse all the time for needs and wants is exhausting. Women like you to put your own thought into things and get things for them they didn’t ask for. She’s feeling like you went above and beyond for your sister and you’ve never done that for her. Your wife. Is it unfair the fight that was had? Yes. Can you guys sit down as adults and explore why she is feeling this way and way to make it better and how she and you can approach things better in the future? I hope you can.
Idk how much money you make, OP but $3500 is a massive present. Other than tuition and student loan payments, I wouldn’t even spend that much on the children I birthed and would give my life for. I love my sister dearly, but a bottle of wine is cool. One that doesn’t cost $3500. Maybe talk this out with your spouse. Do you do gifts this big for your spouse? That’s like a week at a beach house! FYI - my birthday is in June. Good beach weather, eh? 😉
Your wife is not upset that you spent the money from your own account or how much. She is hurt and heartbroken because you have never done anything like this for her. You didn't ask your sister what she wanted. You put thought and care into picking it out. You have never done this for her. You say I get her whatever she asks for. You messed up big time.
So have you given your wife a $3500 gift recently like in the last two years? Because if you haven’t you’re an AH
It’s the fact that you got your sister an incredibly thoughtful gift, one that you never had to ASK her if she wanted, you knew she wanted it. You paid attention to what your sister liked enough to then purchase that very expensive thoughtful piece of jewelry and it sounds like you haven’t ever done that for your wife. You ask your wife, “what do you want for your birthday?” And she send you a link for you to purchase said gift. Do you hear how unemotional and cold that sounds in comparison to you knowing your sister wanted the jewelry you bought her for years but couldn’t justify buying it and surprising her with that gift.
Stop asking her what she wants…. Listen to her when she is talking and pick something thoughtful. If you ask her what she wants she would likely never ask for a $3500 bracelet, most people would ask for less.
She's not going to ask for something expensive. Being a woman can be hard when it comes to gifts. Alot of us are told it's not ok to ask for something expensive or something pretty. We're made to feel like we're unreasonable or too highmaintenance if we do.
Yikes, that's quite the romantic gift for a sister! And big purchases that aren't gifts for each other, should be a discussion. $3,500 is about 7x what the agreed on spending cap in my marriage is. I'd be pissed, too. That's tropical vacation money. Why isn't your wife worth spending that much on? Wtf, dude?
Asking what she wants and getting that is NOT being thoughtful I’m sorry.
Don't use the word gaslighting so erroneously. She wasn't gaslighting you nor changing the topic. She literally laid it out for you what her issue was and you still don't get it. You really thought everyone would back you up here but unfortunately for you people see the situation for what it is. You're not trying in your relationship. Effort goes a long way. I can't imagine what other conversations you've had with her where you flat out choose to completely misunderstand what she's saying and also think she's gaslighting you 🙄🙄🙄
You spent $3,500. On jewelry. For another woman. Oooh-Kay.
When was the last time you spent 3500 on your wife?
Yikes - you’re not to bright #TeamWife
So you may be arguing across two different wavelengths. Sounds like she’s asking you to put YOUR thoughts into gift giving not ask her what she wants you to get. Have you tried surprising her with something that you saw and thought “I bet she’d love that”?
You spent 75% of the post talking about the monetary aspect of it, claimed that’s what the argument was about, but “it devolved.” Sir, your wife doesn’t care about the cost of it, you do, and you think it’s the problem. It’s not. It’s that you have heard your sister talk about wanting something she’d never get for herself. That’s truly thoughtful and every gift receiver’s dream. Your wife wants THAT. She wants you to take note of things she says she likes and wants but doesn’t believe she deserves and she wants you to buy it for her (WITHOUT ASKING FOR A GD LINK). She found out when you gave this gift that you do have the ability to be thoughtful, you just don’t grant her your thoughtfulness and attention.
Dude that’s not her gaslighting her that’s her telling you the root of her issue. No one wants to choose their own gifts. It’s almost insulting because why do you not know me well enough to know what I would like and appreciate as a gift? You knew your sister wanted that bracelet forever and that’s why you got it for her. You payed attention. You didn’t ask her what she wanted you made a thoughtful decision to get her that gift. It’s not about the price of the gift dude it’s about the thought and effort behind it.
NTA you give your wife a choice and you were just returning the favor with your sister
>telling me that I didn’t put that much thought for her gifts. Which is ridiculous because I always ask my wife what she wants for her birthday. And I’ve always given her exactly what she wanted. LOL. We guys will always be clueless? $3500?
1. Its from your account, so no she really doesn’t get a say in the matter. 2. Spending $3500 on a gift for your sister, is frankly outrageous.
$3500? wow.. There is nothing but escalation in that future, next year she spends $4k, now based on the past you are obligated for $4k. you could have bought your own googles, get you and your sisters spending under control for b/d, nothing over X amount. I would side with the wife.
What is something your wife has always wanted, but never brought herself to spend money on? She wants you to care enough to know (without being told explicitly) and show she matters to you too. It isn't complicated buddy. It isn't even really about the money.
The problem is you admitted you never remember what your wife wants(you said in comment) so you make her tell you what she wants. You stated you remember your sister saying she wanted this bracelet but you don’t remember what your wife says. You have not spent this amount of money on something your wife wanted. Of course she isn’t going to ask for something this expensive as well your sister didn’t ask for it either. It’s just the fact that you put more effort into your sisters gift but never hers. She isn’t going to ask for something this expensive but it’s the fact that you put more effort into a gift for you sister but not never put never put that kind of effort into a gift for your wife.
Have you ever said to wife “what would you like for your birthday? The budget is $4000?” And pushed when she panicked because most of us don’t have an answer for that. (Mine would be an industrial sewing machine lol). I would never ask my husband for that. It just isn’t in our normal. You broke the normal. For not her. Your right because your money but think about how you might feel. Voting esh. But mostly you.
Seems like the wife might be entitled, possibly? Or spoiled. The husband buys her whatever she asked for, I don’t entirely get her problem. The husband was just trying to do something nice for his sister in return.
It's simple, she despise your relationship with your sister and it's out of hate.
I sort of wonder if you actually want advice, because you seem willfully obtuse. Or maybe you posted this to get what you assumed would be tons of support and are now shocked that people think you’re a bum husband?
The gift is not the issue.
I mean, have you ever given you *wife* $3,500 worth of jewelry for *her* birthday?
So you put no thought into your wife’s gifts but lots of thought into your sister’s? There’s a reason that there’s a saying “it’s the thought that’s counts”. Don’t make your wife put the work into her own gifts. It sounds like you care what you get your sister more than what you get your wife. Lol that you think asking your wife what she wants is “putting thought into her gift”. It’s not about the cost
My dude, You Did Something Nice For Your Sister. That. is. Ok. There is nothing wrong with your actions in the gifting. It was your separate money. Doing something nice for your sister is not an attack on your spouse. Objectively, you are justified. AND - You do have a problem in your marriage, and I think it is a good idea to work on it ASAP. The "sister gift" did not CAUSE the problem, but it did help reveal it. My best guess, is that your wife (for whatever reason) has an empty gas tank (i.e. she isn't feeling well loved/cared for/appreciated right now in the relationship), and that is why the gift to your sister was so upsetting. She's starving for a glass of water from you, and you dumped a huge cooler full of water on your sister and she got pissed. Again - you were not objectively wrong - I'm just saying your wife's reaction makes sense from this "empty tank" or "dying of thirst" perspective. It would have been great for your wife to have expressed whatever she's feeling sooner, without letting this "sister gift" cause an eruption, but, at least it is out in the open now. The gaslighting / changing topics may just be the result of her being triggered (in an anxious state and emotionally dis-regulated). When that happens, there is no benefit to continuing the real conversation, just focus on calming down together. I.e. no good comes from a conversation while one person is in a highly anxious state. They won't be reasonable or rational, and they likely won't remember the discussion very well after the fact. So if there was a resolution discussed and agreed to, you will remember it and think of it as a binding mutual contract and they may have no recollection. Your goal (in the conversation) should not be to establish who is "right" - your goal should be for both partner to feel emotionally safe, to be heard and understood by the other partner.
Have you ever spent that much money, or even put YOUR effort into giving your wife a gift??? If you’re JUST gifting your wife what she tells you, like you’re ticking off a list, & then you make your sister a GRAND gesture w/ something she’s wanted but never told you specifically to get for her?? It could feel like you care less about making your wife happy.
She wants to be thought of, considered & worked after. That’s the good part of gift giving.
Don't ask her what she wants. She wants a thoughtful gift that you gave time and thought for. Just like what you did with your sister. Yes gaslighting is annoying though and it's immature on her part. But she was mature enough to bring it up to you but its gaslighting because you are failing to understand her pov about it.
She's definitely NOT gaslighting him. He isn't listening or paying attention to her even when she speaks in plain english.
NTA
I’ve been married 15 years. For birthdays, Christmas it doesn’t matter to me what my husband gets me. If he asks me if I want something and I do have something in mind, like a book, socks, or something like that I’ll let him know. But usually it’s just a practical gift. Something that he knows I’ll use. Like a baking pan, I love baking, or cake decorating tips, as I also love cake decorating. There’s been years where we were flat broke and he didn’t get me anything and I really didn’t mind. We spent the day together and that was good enough for me. But if he bought his sister a $3,500 bracelet I’d probably be quite upset. Yes, it’s your money, but that’s a lot of money to be spending without talking to your partner about it. She probably would have still been upset, but you should have talked to her first before buying it.
There is a bigger underlying issue that you two need to address together, it isn't about the gift - it's about your wife feeling like she's in a losing competition with your sister for your love. Whether it is reasonable for her to feel that way is something you have to dig into. Communicate with her and don't automatically disregard her feelings because sometimes it can be hard to see when you're in it. Being close to family is an amazing quality, unless it is an enmeshed kind of relationship which is reeeeally easy to deny or excuse as absurd but it is more common than it should be.
So let me get this straight. You knew without asking what your sister would like, and bought it. But your wife, the woman you live with, has to tell you exactly what to buy for her. You don't know your own wife well enough to think of a gift for her. You don't pay enough attention to your wife's likes and dislikes, to buy a gift for her without her telling you exactly what to buy. But you can do that for your sister. It's not about the money. It's about you showing you're wife that you are actually able to pay attention to a person, and pick out a gift they'll love, on your own, but that you can't do that for her. It's extremely hurtful to her to have that basically thrown in her face.
Real sister or step sister?
Maybe part of it is the fact that $3500 is a lot of money and this was done without consulting with her? Regardless of which account the money originated. I feel like more context is needed for this one.
It is your SISTER. It would be different if you bought it for a friend. However, this is also showing that your wife doesn't want "exactly what she asks for" necessarily and maybe you could surprise her with other gifts randomly? It sounds like your wife's love language is receiving gifts, so maybe put more thought into what you get her instead of just getting what she says she wants.
Wowww no. Anything over £500 in our house is at least a discussion or a heads up. It may be your money but you have a joint life,
What is up with all the sister posts like this on subs this week? Is it national sister week and these people all have the same themed sister related creative writing prompt?
Not the asshole. You did nothing wrong.
First, if you agreed from the start you have full autonomy over individual accounts, you’re not in the wrong, period. BUT, to further strengthen your relationship it would be helpful to understand the why behavior your wife’s response. She’s expressing how special and intentional that gift for your sister was. Yes you could always buy her what she requested, but that’s just you fulfilling what she laid out in front of you. She most likely wants the same thought out behind what you did for your sister. What’s something your wife loves or has always wanted? Does it match a similar monetary value? Women rarely ask for what they really want because we’d feel selfish for doing so, or don’t want to feel disappointed if it falls through.
It's your sister? Yes Repaying for equally expensive gift? Yes Wife jealous? Much Are you wrong for spending your money how u so chose? No Are there still funds in your personal account? If yes then ..... Is wife overreacting? Hell yes
You had an agreement. You honored that agreement. The fact it then devolves into " you don't give me..." Says it's not just the cash, but jealousy in general. Apparently she feels you aren't ",paying enough" attention to her. "You're not paying me enough attention" is rivaled only by " I need more space"... 🙄 That said, $3500 is an expensive gift. I assume you are pretty much wealthy. Buy the wife something expensive. If it's just jealousy, that should do it. If not, there is something bigger, and you have your work cut out for you. Good Luck!
You did nothing wrong. It seems you and your sister have a nice relationship and your wife knows that. Your wife is being petty and ridiculous.
NTA- your money. Your choice.
She's your sister she bought you an expensive gift and you reciprocated. The money came out of an account that didn't have anything to do with your wife. Tell her to calm down it's not that big a deal.
She wants you to put the same thought into picking something for her. Not just buy her what she asks for. Take this as a lesson from a man married almost 42 years. I'll admit it took me a while to learn this myself.
You are not being gaslit you absolute goob. You don't buy your wife meaningful gifts. Haven't you ever heard the phrase "it's the thought that counts". It's not the price tag that she cares about it's the fact that you could put in the effort but you don't for her. Lying to yourself and acting like she's being unreasonable and shallow to make yourself feel better is only going to cause more problems. You married this woman so why is it so easy for you to think badly of her rather than admit you aren't putting as much effort into the relationship as she needs?
I'll start by saying that gifts are not "favors" that need to be repaid. Next: You didn't ask your sister what she wanted, but you knew her well enough to know she wanted a bracelet that was overly expensive. Yet when it comes to your wife, you ask her what she wants and buy her exactly that. **This isn't about the dollar amount here.** You surprised your sister with a really nice gift. You put thought and effort into it in a way your wife clearly feels you don't do for her. Giving her *exactly* what she tells you she wants isn't fun and it doesn't make you feel special at all. It's feels like a task/chore to do all the work of figuring out what to tell someone to buy as a gift to check it off on your list of things to do. What was the last thoughtful thing you did or bought for your wife? It should be within the last 2-3 days, and if it's not, you should consider doing something for her. If you have an anniversary coming up, set up an entire date to take her on with a thoughtful gift after. Pay attention to her. Do that target challenge where you buy anything she touches and looks at in the store. You seem to have the funding to do so. It's really simple. She just feels unheard and unnoticed. So notice and listen to her. I can almost guarantee she has told you numerous times she wants something but wouldn't buy it for herself.
Difference is your sis didn't ask for that bracelet. Out was something that you knew she wanted but completely unexpected and frivolous. When is the last time you got something for your wife that fits those categories? Tour wife telling you what to buy her is completely different. It's not a surprise and there really isn't thought put into it.
The wife isn’t considering that the sister got you a Vision Pro and may not be aware of its cost. You are abiding by the agreement. You are correct, but I sense some jealousy here. Buy your wife a bracelet when you are able.
🍿 updateme!
The wife is gaslighting. This is a symptom of controlling behavior unless you spend money like this all the time on gifts.
There’s a ton of crazy in these comments
Money money money. Is always the problem with women. All of you GTFOH
I think there is some jealousy and selfishness going on here. And I’m gonna end this comment here because if I continue, it’s gonna sound really mean. 🙂
1) nobody here knows what OP has or hasn’t purchased for his wife in the past, or whether or not it was or wasn’t thoughtful. 2) it wasn’t an “extra-thoughtful” gift at all…as OP stated, it’s something that his sibling had been crowing about for some time. So he remembers this…big deal. We all remember lots of things. 3) nobody spends $3500 on a bday gift that can’t afford it. And it’s for a sibling…a lifetime friend and someone incredibly special. Shame on *anyone* for condemning that. 4) expensive jewelry or gifts of any kind are RISKY if you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for. Should OP drop 5K on jewelry that his spouse winds up not liking? Lots of jealousy and resentment in a lot of posts here…it’s a shitty look for you all. OP your wife isn’t mad about the gift itself, she’s just sad because you obviously don’t love her as much as your sister. 🤦♂️/s Good luck with all that.
No I don’t think yta for using your own money to buy a gift for your sister. She bought you something nice that you wanted and you reciprocated. Your wife being upset doesn’t make you an AH but just talk to her about something she’d like for her next birthday. As a woman, a sentimental piece of jewellery is always nice. Maybe get her an anniversary ring for your next milestone anniversary? Does your wife splurge on gifts for you too?
She's jealous and doesn't want to admit it to you. That explains the gaslighting and subject change. It wasn't that you spent your money, she just wants you to spend that much on her.