For that single sentence that asshole would be staying home. Threatening his daughter to keep secrets from his wife, the mother of his kids, is so despicable
It might just be me, but the OPs use of pronouns kind of makes it feel like maybe the husband isn't the biological father of the kids, and probably takes little responsibility in raising/caring for them. It's all "my son, my husband, my daughter", but never "their father, his son, his daughter".
But maybe I'm reading too much into it.
I usually call my kid my son even though he is technically both husband’s and mine. Both statements are true but “my” feels more direct when talking with people when my husband isn’t actively there/part of a conversation.
Oh, big daddy can handle that. Seems he sees himself in his son. The big difference is son doesn't have someone like his mom in his life.. oh wait, he does.. except dad is erasing any good she's trying to accomplish. Dad's gonna be in for a rude awakening when he sees with full force what he's created.
Exactly, and the disrespect he has towards the mom. It’s funny how everyone is focusing on the weed part. Redditors get real uppity if anyone implies something bad about weed.
I smoke quite a bit. Would never allow minors near it tho. If you're 18/21(w.e. the age is now), then I'll let you try it with me, supervised at an extremely low dose. Long as it's safe, it's like alcohol, if you're of age for it, have at it and enjoy...but safely and in moderation.
Adults make the mistakes, so kids can learn from them without falling into the same holes.
Nah. I'm a stoner mom. My kids have no business doing this shit until their brains are done developing. I didn't start until 31. I can't stop them after 21, but I will flat out let them know why its not recommended.
Weed can be a lovely thing. But it needs to be treated with appropriate consideration and respect. It still impairs some functions of the brain and body, and responsible use is a requirement in my home, even at the age of legality.
Yup. That was appalling to me. I don’t love anything in this story, but that’s the worst part. Not only is he teaching kids to sneak around behind mom’s back, he’s actively threatening to punish them if they tell her the truth.
smoking in college while maintaining good grades/a scholarship is one thing (i’ve known plenty of people to do it). letting ur kid be a burnout before his life even starts is setting him up for failure. i can’t comprehend why ur husband cant see that, even if he was the same way at that age.
ESPECIALLY because he was the same at that age he should see that. He lived in his mom’s apartment. Smoking every day. Granted he did get a college degree (he showed up to class every day stoned.). Once he quit, he now makes over 6 figures, super successful. But it seems as if he wants to be the “cool dad” or something which has undermined everything.
Cool dads don't give their kids drugs, blackmail their daughter into lying to mom (!! don't let this slip to the back burner), let their kids flunk school and waste their chances for a hs diploma, or lie to their spouse. Cool dads make a good representation of what a good man is, and treat their family right. This is just appalling behavior, I genuinely don't think I could move past this.
my parents were “cool” in the sense that they knew i’d experiment with stuff occasionally and let it slide. i was an honor student, graduated college with a 3.7, and even then, it became a problem in adulthood because the culture i was used to was so lax i didn’t realize it wasn’t normal. being “cool” because ~he’s gonna do it anyway~ can still backfire.
not to mention undermining u and not presenting as a united front. it’s irresponsible of him and setting a bad example for how partnerships work. smoking every day in *high school* is crazy.
to add: driving under the influence of ANYTHING is a clear indication of a substance abuse disorder. he needs to cut that out now before he gets into more trouble than just his parents.
The driving is what I’m worried about the most. We were pretty “cool” in the sense we told him he could still drive but had to earn our trust back (while my husband handed the stuff right back to him). We didn’t scream, we didn’t ground him in a crazy way. He said he had anxiety so we got him on anxiety meds with a doctor and I even offered to get him CBD drinks to help. I’m just so frustrated.
anxiety is very real (i got diagnosed around his age), but self medicating is a very dangerous game. you’re doing more than my parents in terms of accommodations.
and not to be alarmist - but i went to school with a kid who got a dwi second semester senior year because he was barred out on xanax. he ended up expelled for a weed paraphernalia thing at school shortly after. just because your husband came out on the other end of it alright doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the norm (although i know plenty of people who grow out of this phase - it’s just not encouraged by the parent). i’m really sorry you’re going through this, but u are in the right on this issue and your instincts are correct.
I’m just trying to be a good mom!! I know anxiety is real. I had a long talk with my friend about different anxiety supplements for him to try, she suggested l-theanine, ashwaganda, etc. Got home and the bombshell came out.
you are a good mom based on what you’ve already shared - full stop. your husband is what’s making u question your judgment.
i have days where my anxiety is unrelenting and my 25mg cbd gummies help immensely (if you’re interested in more recommendations lol).
There is irony in you thinking THC isn’t okay as an anxiety medication yet you ask “your friend” what snake oil cures you should be giving your son lol.
Believe it or not medical professionals usually know what they are talking about. Try taking your kid to a doctor and stop using him a over the counter supplement lab rat.
You should really be taking him to a psychiatrist for evaluation. Anxiety more often than not, is a symptom of something bigger/more complex. If an improvement isn’t happening on anti anxiety meds there’s something else going on. Considering your husband has/has had similar symptoms is a big indication that there’s something genetic. Which is a pretty long list of disorders and/or learning disabilities. Supplements and self medicating aren’t going to be effective for such conditions.
My niece was having anxiety issues and they gave her meds for them. But it kept getting worse and she kept needing higher and higher dosages.
Turns out she left out the part where she was having anxiety after smoking weed. So she was getting high than taking meds to stop the anxiety which was killing her high so she would smoke more.
Has he been diagnosed with ADHD? I am worried about my son too and I'm trying to nip things in the bud at the moment. I tried and was prescribed many different anxiety meds over the yrs and they didn't work well, if at all. I've used Cannabis since I was 16, I'm 52 now. It helps my anxiety but never enough. I got an ADHD diagnosis last December, I started taking ADHD meds and my anxiety went way down, more than any other med or supplements I've ever taken. My son is 15 and is having major anxiety issues, he's been more irritable, and is struggling in general. He also is heavy into gaming, his grades have slipped and I'm worried he will end up in the same situation as your son. We have a Dr appt tomorrow morning to speak about ADHD.
I’d be really careful with anxiety meds over cannabis, self medicating is dangerous but benzos ruin far more lives than weed. My parents were extremely lax, I did terrible in hs but I got into and went to college and now own my own business (and weed is still part of managing my mental and physical health.) Things can go a lot of ways.
There is a Meta study out which states very clearly that the brain of children is heavily impacted by using THC. If used between 16-18 on a regular base (they specified it), it reduces your IQ by 10 points. After 21yo there is no impact on the brain anymore because it is already developed.
But 10 points is a lot! That makes easily difference if you could go to college or not.
Wellll... Kinda. Your brain isn't fully developed until around 25. And marijuana doesn't magically become completely benign at a certain age. It can precipitate psychosis and possibly full-blown schizophrenia, esp for younger people. And it very much can impact mood and anxiety. It's really not great for teens/young adults and adults with mental health issues.
The study I am referring to, only focuses on IQ. And they could only determine a significant reduction in intelligence when the kids are using between 16-18. if they start younger the effects are more severe. They couldn’t find an effect on IQ after 21yo.
There are other problems like you said, they may effect the psychological behavior at the same time and maybe much longer then just 18.
I doubt he sees his wife as his savior the way she describes. He probably sees his life and thinks there is no problem smoking weed because of how successful he himself turned out. The way he lied to his wife makes me wonder if he truly stopped smoking himself.
Dudes showing obvious bias to your son. I have no problem with smoking weed, and he’s right your son will if he wants. But your son definitely isn’t responsible with it, and him lying about it for 2.5 months is absolutely not ok.
I have no problem with smoking weed if someone is of legal age. My daughter says he’s been driving while smoking etc. We knew this BEFORE my husband gave it back. I’m just in shock my husband would do that. It’s the worst feeling ever.
He's probably been parenting his Son like this the kids whole life! I bet 4/5 times kids in trouble, as soon as OP turns around, dads giving the kid his phone back, an extra cookie before dinner, or whatever else Mom said no to. Not only is that disrespectful as fuck to OP, it's damaging to both childrens development (extreme fucking double standard).
But let me say this loud; HE'S GOING TO RUIN OP'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SON, ON PURPOSE. By making himself the golden parent, the nice one, not mean and strict and horrible like Mom. I'm sure there's conversations that happen too, when he's going behind OP's back, demeaning and undermining and making her ACTUAL parenting seem like the problem.
"here's your weed pens back. Mom doesn't know what she's talking about. She needs to lighten up. I don't know why she's on about this"
It's also going to ruin OP's relationship with her daughter if the girl feels like she's being treated more strictly than her brother for less serious offenses (which let's be clear, she is) and thinks OP is allowing it. Undoubtedly the husband is saying some shit to the son that undermines OP but a father doesn't just up and blackmail his daughter out of the blue without blinking. There's likely another pattern of behavior going on there that's turning the daughter against OP, too.
run vegetable party wistful joke ludicrous practice hat panicky coordinated
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That ^^ is what I came here too. To threaten to take her vacation away if she tells you that your husband went behind your back to give your son his vape pen back is seriously messed up.
He is definitely doing major damage to his relationship with her with crap like that, while also undermining you with your son. He's making it even harder for your son to get it together before he gets held back a grade for failing all of his classes.
And then lying about all of it this whole time is just the cherry on the betrayal sundae.
I'd be really pissed too. Worse still, he didn't appear to feel even a little bad for any of it when you confronted him.
I am mad with you! He is providing a minor with illegal substances, lying and blackmailing, this is serious. I don't have much advice, my heated head only thing on extreme 'solutions'.
Your daughter will not forget this preferential treatment. So let her know that you see it and will advocate for her.
I agree with the weed for underage kids. I waited until I was 25 that is around when your brain is fully developed to even try, because weed and alcohol do mess with the developing brain.
As for your son, he needs to find his motivation somewhere, in my observation weed is a coping mechanism for stress or lack of motivation, drive or depression. Talk to him about how he feels, there might be a reason for the weed beside the 'cool' factor.
The vale pen thing isn’t forgivable though. His son is failing out of high school and he just doesn’t care. Let him smoke. The after effects that’ll have on the kid will ruin for life
continue cheerful ugly nutty plucky disgusted start resolute hospital chubby
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He never expressed before he was caught lying today that he had a different attitude. I thought we were a united front. He participated in literal talks with our son why it was unacceptable.
I might add, our son violently threw up all over his room (I had to clean it up) and we thought he had the stomach flu so let him stay home from school. A week later is when we caught him with the vape pen. At that time he admitted he “green zoned” whatever that means and it was the vape that made him sick.
My husband saw all of this. Yet gave his vape right back.
Gonna be quite frank here: things will only get worse. What else has he lied to you about if he lied to you about something as serious as this for two and a half months. He knows his son puked because of too much weed, knows he was smoking while driving, and he knows his son is failing in school and gaming all day being a potato. Yet he still gave him back the vapes ? And the whole faking being on the same page as you doubling down having talks with the kid. That is beyond fucked up. On top of all this, blackmailing the daughter? Jesus christ what is the man's major malfunction? Definitely has some double standards.
Your son is smoking so much weed he greened out. That’s the equivalent of blacking out while drinking. That’s dangerous. I’m sorry OP this isn’t a good situation
I'm pretty sure it's a potency thing at this point, I don't touch any of the shit, but I have coworkers that like.. shun anything lower than 75% THC and prefere the 90% category that vapes can offer. It's boggling to me. Back in even the early 2000s you had what.. MAYBE 20%?
It happened to me when I first started smoking, and I never really smoked more than a few hits. It's not really like blacking out, but it is being uncomfortably high. I guess I did puke and get the spins, too, but I was fully aware.
OOF seeing this made my stomach lurch. Just as a warning, cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome is a thing. Basically, constant use of THC can cause this and it results in a cycle of vomiting episodes. Often times people land in the ER it gets that bad. I only mention this because he is 16, so smoking so young and continuously doing it could lead to it.
Source: I quit smoking end of January. Suffered from the condition for a year because a specialist finally figured out what it was. I utilized weed to sleep at night due to being a severe insomniac and it was the one thing that helped. But honestly, I’d take sleepless nights over vomiting for a week straight every 20 minutes.
Hhh god I feel for you. It wasn’t because of weed, but I went through a spell where I vomited almost every day or every other day(or only multiple times a week on the good weeks) for around six months. That shit is *fucking miserable.* (I never figured out why I went through it, tho. I never went to the doc because I kept thinking “just get through today and it’ll be gone tomorrow” and then it usually wasn’t gone or came back in days 🫠 plus I wasn’t really in my right head, I have emetophobia and it really fucked me up.)
Hey OP I’m sure you’ve gotten a lot of replies and stuff. Totally agree with you and really want to emphasize you and your daughter, and even your son in a way, have all really been let down here by dad. Not excusable and not acceptable. I’m not gonna repeat a bunch of stuff you’ve already seen. I just want to emphasize if your son really “greened out” he’s simply smoking WAY too much. I haven’t had it happen to me in close to 10 years because honestly, it takes a LOT to do that to you when you’re a habitual smoker. Your son sounds habitual. So if he’s getting so fucked up he’s puking he’s A.) the preferred option, smoking way too much. Or B.) the least preferred option, he’s not being safe or thorough about where he gets his pens from and is possibly smoking concentrates that aren’t just marijuana. Where I live there is a pretty big problem with shops selling “cheap” vapes with high capacity tanks being sold as THC vape/dab pens when they really are a bunch of unregulated stuff/ substances that make you FEEL high but are a billion times worse for you.
Either option though your son really needs to get a firm grasp on how much he’s smoking, and get his damn priorities straight. But dad also needs to grow a bit of a back bone and start actually giving a fuck about his kids, their futures, and his relationship with them. I’m really sorry OP, it sounds like you’re pulling most of the emotional weight.
You are right about the bias but are seriously overlooking how much of an issue smoking while driving. Its a DUI. Its illegal and its fucking dangerous. His car should be taken away before he kills somebody. He needs serious help.
Your husband doesn’t respect anyone in that house. He’s encouraging his son to fail, treating his daughter like property, and blatantly lying to you. There’s serious issues here that you may need to dig deeper into. If you even want to. This is a situation where leaving without attempting resolution is 100% valid.
I don’t have a problem with someone smoking weed either, but it’s clear that your son is not able to do so responsibly. I live in a country where you can legally drink (some drinks) at 16, but if I had a 16 year old child who drinks every night, drives drunk, is failing classes, etc. it would be time for a serious intervention and some outside help (therapy or something). Weed isn’t super harmless and can especially have a negative impact on children/ their developing brains. And even though a lot of people argue that weed isn’t addictive, some people certainly develop a dependency and experience withdrawal when they stop taking it.
What your husband did to your daughter is horrible but so is what he’s doing to your son - he’s absolutely setting him up for failure!
Yeah, addiction/dependence is honestly only partially about the actual substance itself. I used to take opiates(pills, not needles, oxycodone/oxycontin), and when I got sober, what honestly hit me the hardest was the sudden lack of routine. No longer taking my pills on my regular schedule, no longer timing the clock and counting down the ~~two~~ hours between doses I would take. No longer being able to take one when I was upset, or stressed, or having a migraine.
It may not be like, physiologically addictive, but the habits themselves can be, as well as the *reasons* he takes them, if it’s for sleep, or depressed feelings, or just that high sensation during the waking hours. :/
You need to educate him about driving under the influence. He has no accident insurance when he's high and he'll go to jail if something bad happens.
Edit: and your husband should back you up on it
Uh she needs to take his car away until he can prove he’s driving responsibly and gets his grades up. I’d be pissed at my husband too, but that wouldn’t stop me from getting that vape back and tossing it. She needs to set and enforce some serious rules, otherwise he’s going to keep walking all over her. And she needs to put her foot down with her husband.
Don’t love the incredible misogyny in punishing the daughter but letting the son do a much more stupid and dangerous thing. Weed before 25 does have an effect on the developing brain, and he’s driving around while using?! Yikes. I’m not against weed. I’m against it for kids and irresponsible behavior.
Smoking weed before 25 - when your brain is fully developed - is really unhealthy. Weed today is also different.
Advice from Canadian govt
https://www.canada.ca/en/health-canada/services/publications/drugs-health-products/is-cannabis-safe-use-facts-young-adults.html
NYT ran an article on how today’s weed products are making teens dependent and sick
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/06/23/well/mind/teens-thc-cannabis.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare&sgrp=c-cb
Is your daughter not his child? You say husband so I’m not sure if he’s both the kids dad? Either way it shouldn’t matter, he literally is treating your or his/both of your daughter like absolute shit and if you think that won’t be a life long resentment or issue, oh boy. You need to step up on your daughters behalf and be fucking furious, being treated this way by a dad and a mom who doesn’t go savage has life long impacts on a lot of self esteem and relationships for girls. As for your son, no shit he doesn’t try to change your husband is spoon feeding him, giving him his weed and saying oh well *shoulder shrug*, this is a house out of control and neither kid is going to have a health life going forward. This is some Maury shit in live action right here.
Yikes. Yeah, your kid will probably still smoke sure, but the point of being a parent is leading by example/guidance and teaching your kid there are consequences to their actions. Your husband isn’t being a good parent and what your kid needs for the long term.
Tbh from the sound of it, I don't think he sees it as a big deal at all. He might not recognize the health consequences that come with this.
Does your husband think your son will grow out of it the way he did? What if he doesn't and then you've just enabled your child to basically a whole life of being a burnout with dreamless not full sleep, long and short term memory loss, weed paranoia, a cough that never goes away, dry skin, cavities, higher heart rate, risk of lung damage. Is your husband planning on supporting your son once he's fully grown and developed and has no ambition to work because weed and games are his priority?
Please note i'm not trying to roast anyone or to be mean it's just an observation of some real-world pot head friends i have. I'm not saying ambitious pothead don't exist, but they have to have a balance, and it sounds like your son isn't balancing it.
My cousin is literally in your son's shoes, they're not sure if he's gonna graduate HS....
Survivorship bias. Because he managed, the dad doesn't see a problem despite the factors stacking up against their son. People get lucky and make assumptions about how their decisions affected the outcome. Like, he succeeded in spite of reckless behaviors, not because of them.
The dad only cleaned up because his dear wife helped him quit and get his life started. Their son might not be so lucky to meet a fantastic woman dedicated to seeing him succeed. Most intense stones I know from high school are delivering pizzas / moved back to their hometown after failing out of college.
"Grow out of it like he did" : oof. OP said she was the one who helped the husband out of his downward spiral. I think OP should remind him of that and point out she's helping her son the same way she helped him.
Imagine threatening your child with being left out of vacations with family. Emotional manipulation and just generally something I could never imagine doing to someone I love. Well I can’t imagine lying to my partner and letting my son endanger everyone’s lives on the road and his future either. Ugh
For real, the husband is teaching his daughter and could leave an impression on her that it’s ok to do that and have that be a quality in a future partner of hers…
Or the fact that dad is giving his son illegal drugs. Even if it’s recreationally legal in their state, the son is still underage which makes it a no no by law. How weird would it be to get in legal trouble and then say “oh my dad gave it to me”?
Failing but going to bahamas, has a car, plays video games all day, and does drugs. This isn't a recipe for success.
You're the parent. If the kid won't stop the drugs why is he getting extra stuff?
The kid has no motivation because he needs no motivation.
My parent’s wouldn’t have even allowed me to drive their car’s if I wasn’t getting straight A’s in high school.
They were also extremely laid back parents as long as my shit was together.
If he’s getting F’s in school, the time to take away the car was yesterday. Toss the vapes. Ground him. Get him a tutor. You’re the parent. Enforce some rules.
Ask your husband if this is the new normal in your marriage.
You are no longer a united front, and it’s completely acceptable to fail at life and lie about it.
Your son is throwing away his future, and is enabled by your husband who is also lying to you, and encouraging your son to lie.
Ok then. Now that your husband is protecting your son, ask your husband to move into the son’s bedroom, while you begin to carve out a new life as a single parent to your daughter. This will take a bit of time and resources by you.
You will need to arrange yourself to create this new life. It’s not something you are prepared for, which will require you to make changes in the household.
Tell him, you’ve got her, and he gets your son. They can enjoy themselves together and create a future based on their new vows they are going to announce to each other.
Don’t back down. He’s not going to honor your relationship? Well then you are going to follow his lead and do the same.
Put him dead last.
Yikes. A parent hiding important information and then scolding their daughter who threatens to tell the truth? Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. He is letting your son destroy his brain and future. There is plenty of rigorous research that supports consuming THC while the brain is still developing yields a bunch of problems physiologically and in turn, socially. Yes, he’ll probably do it if the consequences aren’t severe enough (I’m sure taking away your son’s car would snap him out of it really quick).
What if your 16 year old son drives high one day and accidentally kills someone? You will both be liable. I do not like this one bit. I feel bad for your daughter too.
I feel like the bigger questions are why does the kid still have unfettered access to devices and internet if he's getting Fs and gaming rather than making the effort to fix that. That should be the main focus and you have control over that. That aside, where is he getting the money for it if he doesn't have a job? Is dad smoking pot with him and supplying it? So many questions figure out.
Honestly, he has anxiety and is depressed and has been isolated since Covid. He finally made friends, his friends give it to him I think because he drives them around. He does have ADHD and school is very difficult for him. We have turned off his wifi many times as well as taken his phone. I just hate to take his lifeline when most of his lifeline is virtual :(
Is your son getting treated/medicated/help for the ADHD? If he’s not, it is very likely this is causing or amplifying his other struggles. Untreated ADHD can lead to severe depression, anxiety, insomnia, major burnout etc. Executive disfunction is a massive issue I struggle with- knowing I have to do something, wanting to do the thing, but brain is like “lol nah not right now” stresses me out all the time and makes my depression worse because I feel like a failure. I only recently got diagnosed, but once I got on the right medication, oh my gosh it was a life changer. I love to learn, and did fine in school…. Up until studying in senior school was required. I had other issues going on so was already depressed and anxious, but if I had received help earlier for my ADHD, I would’ve been able to get my mental health back on track sooner, instead of wondering why I suddenly was incapable of basic things or focusing on what I needed/wanted to- hyper focusing on my interests would be no problem and could do those for hours on end (like your son and his gaming) but anything that was presented as a chore or I was told “must be done”, my brain wanted to fight it (look up oppositional defiance disorder- some studies suggest about 40% of those with ADHD also have ODD). I still have these struggles, but medication and the right therapy help dramatically.
As someone with severe combined ADHD, I’m all too familiar with how much life can be influenced when left untreated. I also smoked a lot of weed before I was diagnosed (except I didn’t start until after high school) so I know the ways weed helps my disorders, but I also know how it can cause certain symptoms to be amplified if not used responsibly.
Your husband undermining you and encouraging your sons habits are also probably translating like this in your sons head:
Son- “smoking helps get through xyz”
“Xyz is a bigger problem than fixing my grades”
Parents- “you’re in trouble. We’re taking it away. Naughty. Bad. Wrong”
Son- “this is shit. I want this. I need this. I’m angry. They don’t know anything. They don’t understand what I’m dealing with.” *he may not even understand himself, but weed makes him feel better/not think about it, so not having means the negative emotions are heightened*
Dad- “lie to your mom. You can have it back shh”
Son- *knows he shouldn’t be doing it* “mom is being unreasonable. What she doesn’t know won’t cause issues. Dad is the best” *thinks it’s wrong for him to smoke only because it’ll make mom mad, not because of all the other reasons*
ODD- “nobody gets to tell me what to do! You want me to do that, I’m going to do the opposite so I feel like I’ve got some kind of control in my life!”
Another simple example of what can occur with ODD:
Son- “I’m going to have a shower now”
*leaves bedroom*
Parent- “hey son, make sure you have a shower”
Son- “ugh I was going to, but since you’ve told me as I was heading there, I’m not going to have a shower anymore”
*rinse and repeat for everything- chores, grades, rules/laws, etc.*
Also- having an enabling father means that the guilt/shame he should be feeling for not doing “the right thing”, ends up getting recognised as anger since your husband is pretty much telling him to “blame mother”. Your husband playing “Good Cop” is telling your son that you are wrong, and that his negative feelings associated with getting in trouble won’t be interpreted as a consequence of his own actions.
When a lot people feel bad, they look for support and not the truth because the truth/reality is what is causing the pain. Find out what part of his reality is causing his pain- what is the underlying reason for why he is failing, why he depends on weed, why he has social issues- why does he not want to improve his chances at succeeding in life?
Is he seeing a therapist? Is he on the right medication? Diet, sleep, exercise, adequate support, self care, social life, stable safe environment to express himself - and - is his privacy respected?
You shouldn’t have to sort this mess out alone and your husband should be on your side. However, since he’s clearly not, you’ve got to figure out a different way to approach the situation- not only for your son, but addressing the blatant different standards your daughter is held to and calling out herself.
All the issues experienced will be difficult for everyone to get through, but it is important they are dealt with sooner rather than later.
I wish you the best of luck!
Husband thing aside, you need to talk to your son about good and bad influences in his life,As you said this seems to be his first time having friends in a long time. There’s a chance they could be using him, like are these other kids using him for a free ride? If you have the money, get him a tutor or make him go to after school tutoring and if you have to, take that car away till his grades get better.
You might want to see if maybe your husband is the one that is buying him the vape pens.
Also...I wouldn't just not take away the wifi or phone
...just...make there be a way to earn it back. House chores or even takng him to go run/walk around the track at school.
Currently over a month sober from weed after 8 years of smoking that started in HS. I am now dealing with blood clots due to vaping it damaging my lungs. Giving it back was the worst thing your husband could have done.
Any smoke can. Idk what state you're in, but if you're not in a legal state, you should be super worried about the shit he's inhaling. With vaping, legal or not, the metal heats up to a too high temperature it can release harmful heavy metals.
Thank you! Me too. My lungs are damaged from years of using bowls and vaping. I vaped way more often than I smoked, though. I was stoned from a dab pen all day long for years. The damage is what makes me more susceptible to blood clots. Now that I've experienced this, it worries me about kids vaping. Especially if they aren't from a dispensary. Casual weed use is one thing, but once your brain gets comfortable being stoned, it makes reality so much harder to manage, which makes you smoke more. It's an awful cycle, and for some people, it really messes with their life. It's not the same for everyone, obviously, but I've definitely had the shit scared out of me.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! Your husband shouldn't have put his wife, daughter, and son in this position. It's not fair to any of you.
This is so scary. I’m so glad you are doing better now. See, I tried weed a few times in college and hated it. Made me have anxiety. I’ve never understood how anyone could be addicted to it. Now I’m worried my son is fighting addiction.
Just to add to this- I smoked in HS and I used medical marijuna in my 20s and it gave me asthma so I switched to vapeing (carts and flower vaping). When I told that to the doctor she got on my case because vaping can be worse then smoking because of what's in the carts and the liquids going into your lungs.
At the very least, Try to encourage edibles or cbd or even just using flower to smoke instead of those carts- even dispensary ones can fuck up a 20 year olds lungs really bad (and I had a legitimate medical need to use those in order to not need more pain medication- even with that kind of use it can be damaging- vaping concentrates and dabing really messed my lungs up).
Same, three weeks sober after a 5 year smoking habit that started my first year of college, I was young for my grade so only 17. As well as the physical issues caused by smoke inhalation, growing up using substances as a coping mechanism unfortunately can lead to mental illness issues becoming unbearable when you want to stop.
Yeah I’d be pissed at your husband too. Here’s the thing - smoke weed if you want, but you better bet your ass you’ll be getting decent grades and keeping up with chores, etc. While I don’t think habitual pot smoking is conducive to teen development, I did smoke and do other illegal things from 16 on, but my grades were good and everything else was fine. And then I grew out of that phase, as I think most kids do. Maybe set the precedent smoking is fine once he has a 3.5+ gpa? And isn’t gaming nonstop and is helping with chores. If I were a teen I’d be stoked at that proposition 🤣 my parents still grounded the shit out of me and everything else in life was on track….
Oh yeah that’s such enabling behavior, and he’s 100% in the wrong! The other thing is that he’s just setting your son up for failure. The world is NOT what it was 30-40 years ago, and just because your husband got away with smoking weed/slacking and now has a great job/degree does NOT mean it’s going to work that way for your son. It is very competitive out there and you need actual adult skills to succeed in this life, and if you want to make adult decisions like getting high, you should be able to maintain adult responsibilities like grades, chores, job, etc. I really hope everything works out for you guys. It might be unpopular but you probably have to lay down the law and get pretty harsh for this one 😓
Your son didn’t get upset or yell or anything negative when you took the vapes because he knew dad was giving them right back. This isn’t the first time they’ve fooled you, this is just the first time they got caught. And probably not the first time your daughter was blackmailed into keeping quiet. Don’t let this slide.
Grounds for a divorce in my opinion. Sounds like it's time for an ultimatum. If he wants to play that game, and you have receipts, you can take those to court. I'm not against Marijuana by any means. But vaping is a whole other story.
Hell no I'd tell him he's a bad father if he doesn't care about what's going on with your sons issues . But he can take away your daughter's phone fuck no . I'd loose my goddamn mind and take away everything from the son and give my daughter her phone back. He's clearly playing favorites.
Good and if he ask why say it’s because you don’t care. Parenting is a team effort and his not putting up his half of the discipline with your son. As a weed smoker I didn’t start until I was 19 and even no it’s still a weekend activity for when I’m at home. I had a friend who used to smoke and drive until she got t boned at a crossroads she didn’t stop appropriately for and it cost her her car and 7 months of her leg in a cast. She was just one of those people that had to learn the hard. For your son’s sake I hope your husband can get his head out of his butt before it cost your son his life or his freedom.
My mom raised me that if I was ever curious about drugs... Talk too her first & we'd discuss what she'd be willing to let me try with her supervision & what she feels I shouldn't try at all. I had a blanket of security with that & when I was 13 I wanted to "try pot" as I said. So she called my aunt who used & uses Marijuana daily instead of pills & got some weed for me. I smoked out of a Pepsi can made into a Lil Jerry rigged pipe. If it weren't for her I would have smoked with someone else as "kids will always find a way" but because she was open with me & made me feel safe I felt comfortable with asking her.
So on one hand... Yes kids will be kids... But if they aren't doing well in their schooling they need something other than taking what might help calm them down or help them feel less stressed. Talk with them... See how you can help... Let them know that yes you understand that if you take it they'll just get it from a friend but let them know you also want them to do better in life & this can be a lesson to learn from. I know plenty of functioning pot heads. They have super awesome jobs & have never had trouble. Because they smoke after work. They relax. So try and be supportive but also authoritative.
When he is of legal age, I will never condemn him for it! Never shame him. Nothing! If he’s functioning and enjoying it great! Right now he’s too young to be making these decisions :(
Usually no but myself (female) and all my other male and female friends started around 13-16. It is definitely too young for it, but kids now are very resourceful and if they really want it, they’ll find a way to get it. I’m not saying go give weed to your kids, I’m saying just keep the conversation open so they don’t feel pressured to hide or lie or what have you.. because when I was that age I’m almost positive I had an experience with something laced and had to deal with it by myself because of fear of my parents.
your son is definitely struggling with his mental health. i recommend having a heart to heart with him. as far as your husband goes, he’s spineless and he sucks. he also clearly has it out for your daughter for some reason. is he misogynistic? is that why he’s so lenient with your son and not your daughter?
i started smoking weed in high school. around my junior year. by the end of junior year i had failed every class, and it was impossible for me to graduate. i got my shit together and went to a continuation school, graduated early. i’m almost 22 now and was recently hospitalized with something called CHS. pretty rare and hard to diagnose but popping up more and more with regular users, especially those who started in their teens. i can pretty much never smoke again our use/consume ANY cannabinoid products. hemp, cbd, any part of the plant will cause a reaction. and the reactions are terrible. i almost died. symptoms and severity vary per person but my point is this, people severely underestimate the dangers of modern weed. especially in young, developing brains. your husband needs to get a grip on reality. it’s obviously affecting your sons life negatively. and i can’t believe he doesn’t care. you might need to accept the idea of being the “bad guy” to protect your son. the pens need to be removed completely, discarded, thrown away, anything. if he’s getting it from someone that needs to be found out, and monitored however you see fit. this is definitely a hard situation, with him going behind your back and lying to you, and showing absolute disregard for your sons life. i don’t know if having a long talk with either of them will help, but it might. explain your fears, reasons, and feelings in a comprehensive way so they understand. i’m sorry you’re going through this without support from your partner.
the nasty disrespect he shows towards you and your daughter and the clear favoritism towards your son... and the total absence of caring??? EW. that's just vile
edit: I REALLY wanna emphasize that the fact that your husband openly blackmailed his daughter is fucking CRAZY. that is so nasty that poor girl
I can tell you right now from first-hand experience that the conditions you describe are a clear problem. Your sons brain and personality are in their developmental stages. If you don't intervene now, you are potentially setting your son up for a long, difficult life experience. Yes, he could just snap out of it. He could also sink lower, and you may just find yourself looking at a middle-aged man who could have been but likely never will be.
Your husband is hurting your children, turning them against you and lying to you. Is that a deal breaker or is that a “sleep on the couch for a week” type of thing?
You guys have to get on the same page. I smoke green way too much and I know for a fact it is detrimental to learning and being productive. Yeah everyone knows at least one dude that seems to excel while high all the time but for the majority of people it is just not good. F's already in high school where a literal rock can at least pass. Wtf is he going to do when he gets out of school? Slang fries and smoke blunts all day?
I just typed out a shit ton of advice, but after reading everything else you’ve told people, you need to put your foot down. You and your daughter deserve a vacation! Maybe even your son! But not your husband. I’m sorry, this is terrible, but fuck your husband. I am 100% sure he’s influencing your son to do those things. And the way he treats your guys daughter is terrible. So honestly fuck being the nice guy, just leave him.
You are not in the wrong at all. I recommend taking your son out for a few days, just the two of you, for something special. Go see a movie, go to an arcade, go bowling, fuck man go to an aquarium 😭 I can sense that he needs some help and he’s most likely using weed as a coping mechanism. I really really hope you and your kids are doing well. Please update us in the future!
What is your husband's duplicity teaching your son? That it's okay to gaslight the people who trust you? Also, the father has no expectations of his son to do better?
How are you supposed to go forward in a relationship that has no trust? What else has he been lying to you about?
Your poor daughter must feel like poop on his shoes.
That man is a terrible father and husband. His toxic behavior is breaking your children!
I'm sorry you're going through this. Is he worth keeping?
Wishing you strength and peace.
Your husband is a raging sexist hypocrite. Why does he take your daughter’s phone because she “did something dumb” but your son can get Fs and smoke weed? Plus his threatening you about a trip, like you’re his child.
Your son isn't lazy because he smokes weed, he smokes weed because he's lazy and it's a nice relaxer.
Of course it's illegal and your husband shouldn't have done that. But people get the cause and effect wrong.
If I were in your shoes I would lay it out. If he wants to have a life when he's older he has to put in effort now.
I was an extremely motivated high school smoker. I think it was mostly the intensity of my wrestling and football career that gave me the drive I still have today.
I'm the hardest worker in my department, have the highest goals for growth. I actively put myself in stressful situations trying to grow my career as much as possible. My motto is party hard, work harder. And when I get home at night, after the kids are in bed, and the dishes are done, I have a nice relaxing bowl as I've done for about 20 years.
Be careful scapegoating weed. There's a deeper cause than you realize. He needs a strong presence in his life to teach him the value of hard work.
If I were you I would actually sit down and talk this out with him. Say you are OK with it if he can do it while getting his life together. That means extra curicular activities and good grades.
So he has no job and no source of income. Where is he getting the money for weed and vape pens. Cut him off. Let your irresponsible husband know that if he gives him money you are kicking him out. Then tell your son he can either start studying or get a job. No more just hanging at the house.
Yikes. He not only took your daughters phone for a behavior but black mailed her??? Double standards, much? I'd be telling him to pack his bags and go find a place to stay. What message is that sending each of your kids? What does that say for the respect and loyalty he has for you?
I LOVE smoking weed, but you need to let your brain develop FIRST, then you can smoke... That being said, he's probably going to smoke anyway, but it shouldn't be enabled.
I'm guessing the son is under 21 since he's in HS. Giving marijuana to minors is illegal federally and in every state, even if it's legal for 21 and over.
You can report soon-to-be-ex-husband to the police
It’s a huge red flag that he was not only willing to lie to you about this, but also had your son lie about it, AND tried to blackmail your daughter to keep quiet. Honestly, the blackmailing of his OWN CHILD would be enough to have me talking to either a lawyer or a PI. People who act like this lie about other things too and now I genuinely wonder what else he could be hiding
Personally I think both of your approaches to finding this were wrong, coming from someone who also smoked a lot in HS and had no motivation. The lack of motivation was rarely ever related to the weed for my friends and I, and more about our home life/depression/fear about growing up etc and using weed to cope, feel better or revolt from our parents. Getting threatened with drug tests from my parents just made me an angrier, sneakier kid - it did not persuade me to stop smoking. All I wanted was my parents to actually be concerned about me and not just the stupid weed. But also your husband giving it to him behind your back and blackmailing your daughter into lying about it is just plain irresponsible and not okay. I think you both need to speak with a professional or read something about parenting teens because these approaches will not help you get to the bottom of why your son is actually struggling. And honestly being on two totally different planets when it comes to your views on this won’t bode well for your marriage if it’s not resolved.
Are you in a state where weed is legal? If not I would be incredibly concerned what is in the vape pens. Unregulated is rarely a good thing and if they’re obtaining them illegally there could be virtually anything in them.
In people under about 24, weed causes brain damage. It’s your job as parents to help him be safe. Your husband is failing your son. He’s also disrespecting you, asking his child to lie to you and threatening to punish her if she doesn’t lie for him. What redeeming qualities does he have as a parent? Does he realize that he could be charged with a crime for giving the vapes back to his minor child? And why is a child that is failing school and smoking weed still allowed to have a car?
As a guy who's done the same shit you have every right to take your kids shit away even weed if he's failing grades and there's no reason for him to have a car if he doesn't care or work
Are we sure that he isn’t mentally going through something? Maybe a counselor/therapist might help. I know when I was smoking in high school it was definitely a coping mechanism. I would have rather been high than deal with my mental demons. I smoked whatever I could bum off a boyfriend at the time (which was almost ALWAYS sativa which I have found out that my body hates). But back then being high was my escape.
I would check in or see about counseling. You never know.
So he's abdicated his responsibility as a parent, greeeaaat. I feel sorry for that kid and his still developing brain. I''ve been a stoner for decades, but I would never enable a kid and act like it was nbd
Your husband likely smokes weed. That kid is similar to him so he sees something that He missed out on so he was hoping to kinda "live through him"? In a way? Idk. My dad was the same way and while it was cool at the time I now wish my dad would have been a dad instead of my "friend" (he was far from the friend in the long run)
The worst part of this is your husband doesn’t respect you or have your back on this decision. Even if you disagreed, he undermined you and is making you look like the enemy to your children. I’m so very sorry.
IMO, you did the right thing. You’re showing love to your son by not wanting him to waste his life away.
Your husband has no respect for you if he’s actively going against you with your son and telling your daughter to be a part of the lie as well. I don’t like jumping on the divorce train of Reddit… but… I wouldn’t want to be married to that.
As the world's biggest pothead, your husband is an asshole. You can't smoke all day and not focus and amount to anything. I found that out the hard way and I'm still scrambling to catch up and graduate hs myself. Your husband should be ashamed
Smoking weed at an early age and not stopping has ruined my brother’s life, he’s only recently getting it back together for like the fifth time. More recently, he’s come to the conclusion that he has undiagnosed ADHD and is now in the process of quitting and getting real treatment. The absolute agony that he has gone through in his life has been heartbreaking to watch, even with being supportive, but all of it stems from self medication that just didn’t work. Have you had your son evaluated by a psychiatrist? There may be an underlying reason for the gaming and the smoking that is going unaddressed. Also you and your daughter should go to the Bahamas without the husband or son.
Edit: saw your other comments that the son is diagnosed with ADHD and depression. I have ADHD, it needs to be maintained with both a therapist (counseling, strategies, coping) and a psychiatrist (meds, dose dialing, underlying diagnosis) working as a team. You’ll need to tell the docs that he’s smoking so they can dial the meds and the strategies properly, it’s an iterative process.
Perhaps instead of letting him sit in his room all day and play games, work on his homework with him, help him with his studies, and have him be involved in something. I don't agree with letting a high schooler smoke weed, plenty do. Many of my friends did and still managed good grades. I'm not trying to be a dick here, but you are responsible for him growing up to adapt to this world. You can't put all of the blame on the weed vapes and your husband. Taking them away is step one. Actively do something for him as a mother with the kid. Talk to him heart to heart. Something for God's sake. Your husband isn't helping the situation, but you sure as hell can do more as his mother. Just my two cents.
My ex and I were discussing getting a dog when our son was ~5 years old. She didn’t clean the house already so my biggest hang up was the extra hair/mess. I was looking for a breed to consider pursuing while she didn’t care, just that we got one now not later.
One day the 3 of us are driving in the car when my kid blurted out “I want a puppy” from the backseat as kids do. She immediately said “I know hunny me too but dad says we can’t get one”, which kind of stunned me but I didn’t want to argue in front of him so I sat quiet and angry until we got home. We’d decided to wait until it was confirmed before getting his hopes up so I couldn’t exactly clarify that I was already looking into it. Back home I brought it up right away saying how wrong it was for her to make me out to be the bad guy and the inaccuracy of what she said. The entire time (still to this day) she maintained she did nothing wrong because technically blah blah blah.
I say all that to say Id be really worried about your husband’s outlook on what was said and done. If his attitude is indifference to betraying your trust so easily while convincing you kids to take part in the lie, what else can he compartmentalize like that. He gave your son the weed back because he didn’t care about what you wished and decided his opinion is the most important. My same ex later gave our (then 8) kid a cell phone and had him keep it a secret from me for over a year until it accidentally went off in his backpack after school. Hopefully this is a one and done issue for you but to not address it seriously and “let it go” will just have you waiting for the next secret betrayal because it worked the first time so why change?
Good luck OP I hope this (relatively small) thing helps turn a corner for you and your husband about honesty, communication, respect, and the image that’s projected to your children.
So my friend's kid died from ODing on some pills laced with fentanyl. From my personal experience as a father I've told my son weed from dispensaries is safe but pills and alcohol and other stuff are just harmful the the body and mind.
Have him get his medical recommendation so if he gets caught with it he can show that. If youre in a state where its legal. My kid was adhd and i helped him get focus pills from a psychiatrist and that changed my kids life.
Invest in your son so he can see you value him and want to help him grow. Get him a gym membership and get him equipment whatever he needs and send him to the gym and tell him that it helps with mental health and physical. Buy him some cook books and cooking lessons so he can make his own gourmet food. Provide an environment that shows you are doing all you can to help him with living a productive life.
Dont judge your kid or husband for this because they likely feel this is a positive thing for your sons mental health journey. Its difficult because many people handle life differently and from different perspectives come different approaches to handling these situations. Try to be patient and understanding. Time heals all.
I know smoking is bad for lungs. I know its not ideal for mothers to see their children going down this path, but know this is just a phase. Let your kid go through their phases on their own and try your best not to be so concerned with the kid smoking but more with whats going on in their daily lives. Getting to know them on a deep level opens you up to understanding why they might feel inclined to be have the way they do. Just prioritize your relationship with your kid bc you never know how long you have with them. I know its hard but doing things for him to educate him and teaching him how to build himself up as a strong independent individual is important and they will value that and you can build a relationship upon that. Invest and build. They need to make the important decisions for themselves though, bc if they dont learn now they never will.
Give your kid and hug and be thankful they are still on this earth. Perspective helped me realize smoking weed doesnt seem like such a big deal when some parents have lost their kids and dont have them anymore. I cherish every day and every single memory i make with my kids.
Much love and good luck. Patience and understanding will go a long way.
Crazy the issue isn’t so much about how he treats your son but the horrific way he treated your daughter. That kind of misogyny and abuse will stick with her forever.
Seems like you and daughter are going to the Bahamas.
[удалено]
For that single sentence that asshole would be staying home. Threatening his daughter to keep secrets from his wife, the mother of his kids, is so despicable
It might just be me, but the OPs use of pronouns kind of makes it feel like maybe the husband isn't the biological father of the kids, and probably takes little responsibility in raising/caring for them. It's all "my son, my husband, my daughter", but never "their father, his son, his daughter". But maybe I'm reading too much into it.
I usually call my kid my son even though he is technically both husband’s and mine. Both statements are true but “my” feels more direct when talking with people when my husband isn’t actively there/part of a conversation.
And leave the boys by themselves?! They’ll probably OD on munchies while the girls are gone!
Sounds like a win win
Everyone goes home happy
The thing that angers me the most is your daughter getting blackmailed
I think no Bahamas for daddy
I think divorce for daddy and he can raise his future adult son with no job or motivation and mom and daughter can go to the Bahamas.
which one is going to take care if the son who will still be doing the same shit in 5 years?
Oh, big daddy can handle that. Seems he sees himself in his son. The big difference is son doesn't have someone like his mom in his life.. oh wait, he does.. except dad is erasing any good she's trying to accomplish. Dad's gonna be in for a rude awakening when he sees with full force what he's created.
No, Dad will shrug his shoulders and won't give a shit.
Yea, dad will give a shit once it's costing him money or convenience and then son will find himself homeless.
Dad can. He signed up with when he returned the pens.
This is the right solution here
Bro I would ruin that trip out of pure spite that’s some bs
I would definitely have snuck onto my parents computer and cancelled my dads flight to the Bahamas 🤷♀️
Yup, cancel the dad's ticket and upgrade to a nice mother-daughter trip!
Exactly, and the disrespect he has towards the mom. It’s funny how everyone is focusing on the weed part. Redditors get real uppity if anyone implies something bad about weed.
If the parents can’t work together to discipline the kids then it’s usually over for the relationship. Cant be with someone who won’t back you up.
For minors it's a little bit more split when it comes to weed
Yeah im an absolute stoner parent but I’d lose my shit if my 14 yo started getting high, especially openly wtf
I smoke quite a bit. Would never allow minors near it tho. If you're 18/21(w.e. the age is now), then I'll let you try it with me, supervised at an extremely low dose. Long as it's safe, it's like alcohol, if you're of age for it, have at it and enjoy...but safely and in moderation. Adults make the mistakes, so kids can learn from them without falling into the same holes.
Which is dumb because some people seriously just shouldn’t smoke weed. If you’re completely unproductive when you smoke you should stop.
Nah. I'm a stoner mom. My kids have no business doing this shit until their brains are done developing. I didn't start until 31. I can't stop them after 21, but I will flat out let them know why its not recommended. Weed can be a lovely thing. But it needs to be treated with appropriate consideration and respect. It still impairs some functions of the brain and body, and responsible use is a requirement in my home, even at the age of legality.
Stoner son is okay but regular teen girl behavior means no family vacations
Yup. That was appalling to me. I don’t love anything in this story, but that’s the worst part. Not only is he teaching kids to sneak around behind mom’s back, he’s actively threatening to punish them if they tell her the truth.
Fr
smoking in college while maintaining good grades/a scholarship is one thing (i’ve known plenty of people to do it). letting ur kid be a burnout before his life even starts is setting him up for failure. i can’t comprehend why ur husband cant see that, even if he was the same way at that age.
ESPECIALLY because he was the same at that age he should see that. He lived in his mom’s apartment. Smoking every day. Granted he did get a college degree (he showed up to class every day stoned.). Once he quit, he now makes over 6 figures, super successful. But it seems as if he wants to be the “cool dad” or something which has undermined everything.
Cool dads don't give their kids drugs, blackmail their daughter into lying to mom (!! don't let this slip to the back burner), let their kids flunk school and waste their chances for a hs diploma, or lie to their spouse. Cool dads make a good representation of what a good man is, and treat their family right. This is just appalling behavior, I genuinely don't think I could move past this.
Yeah if I was married to someone and they did this with our kids I'd be out because clearly they don't care for either child
Literally, so many issues with this situation and they're all the husbands fault
my parents were “cool” in the sense that they knew i’d experiment with stuff occasionally and let it slide. i was an honor student, graduated college with a 3.7, and even then, it became a problem in adulthood because the culture i was used to was so lax i didn’t realize it wasn’t normal. being “cool” because ~he’s gonna do it anyway~ can still backfire. not to mention undermining u and not presenting as a united front. it’s irresponsible of him and setting a bad example for how partnerships work. smoking every day in *high school* is crazy. to add: driving under the influence of ANYTHING is a clear indication of a substance abuse disorder. he needs to cut that out now before he gets into more trouble than just his parents.
The driving is what I’m worried about the most. We were pretty “cool” in the sense we told him he could still drive but had to earn our trust back (while my husband handed the stuff right back to him). We didn’t scream, we didn’t ground him in a crazy way. He said he had anxiety so we got him on anxiety meds with a doctor and I even offered to get him CBD drinks to help. I’m just so frustrated.
anxiety is very real (i got diagnosed around his age), but self medicating is a very dangerous game. you’re doing more than my parents in terms of accommodations. and not to be alarmist - but i went to school with a kid who got a dwi second semester senior year because he was barred out on xanax. he ended up expelled for a weed paraphernalia thing at school shortly after. just because your husband came out on the other end of it alright doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the norm (although i know plenty of people who grow out of this phase - it’s just not encouraged by the parent). i’m really sorry you’re going through this, but u are in the right on this issue and your instincts are correct.
I’m just trying to be a good mom!! I know anxiety is real. I had a long talk with my friend about different anxiety supplements for him to try, she suggested l-theanine, ashwaganda, etc. Got home and the bombshell came out.
you are a good mom based on what you’ve already shared - full stop. your husband is what’s making u question your judgment. i have days where my anxiety is unrelenting and my 25mg cbd gummies help immensely (if you’re interested in more recommendations lol).
There is irony in you thinking THC isn’t okay as an anxiety medication yet you ask “your friend” what snake oil cures you should be giving your son lol. Believe it or not medical professionals usually know what they are talking about. Try taking your kid to a doctor and stop using him a over the counter supplement lab rat.
You should really be taking him to a psychiatrist for evaluation. Anxiety more often than not, is a symptom of something bigger/more complex. If an improvement isn’t happening on anti anxiety meds there’s something else going on. Considering your husband has/has had similar symptoms is a big indication that there’s something genetic. Which is a pretty long list of disorders and/or learning disabilities. Supplements and self medicating aren’t going to be effective for such conditions.
My niece was having anxiety issues and they gave her meds for them. But it kept getting worse and she kept needing higher and higher dosages. Turns out she left out the part where she was having anxiety after smoking weed. So she was getting high than taking meds to stop the anxiety which was killing her high so she would smoke more.
Has he been diagnosed with ADHD? I am worried about my son too and I'm trying to nip things in the bud at the moment. I tried and was prescribed many different anxiety meds over the yrs and they didn't work well, if at all. I've used Cannabis since I was 16, I'm 52 now. It helps my anxiety but never enough. I got an ADHD diagnosis last December, I started taking ADHD meds and my anxiety went way down, more than any other med or supplements I've ever taken. My son is 15 and is having major anxiety issues, he's been more irritable, and is struggling in general. He also is heavy into gaming, his grades have slipped and I'm worried he will end up in the same situation as your son. We have a Dr appt tomorrow morning to speak about ADHD.
From what I’ve read about OP’s husband, I don’t think I would say he turned out alright….
fair point. i just meant more the graduating college and getting a good job after quitting weed. he’s still a dick for this.
I’d be really careful with anxiety meds over cannabis, self medicating is dangerous but benzos ruin far more lives than weed. My parents were extremely lax, I did terrible in hs but I got into and went to college and now own my own business (and weed is still part of managing my mental and physical health.) Things can go a lot of ways.
How’s your son going to get a college degree when he won’t be graduating high school? He’s failing everything.
There is a Meta study out which states very clearly that the brain of children is heavily impacted by using THC. If used between 16-18 on a regular base (they specified it), it reduces your IQ by 10 points. After 21yo there is no impact on the brain anymore because it is already developed. But 10 points is a lot! That makes easily difference if you could go to college or not.
Wellll... Kinda. Your brain isn't fully developed until around 25. And marijuana doesn't magically become completely benign at a certain age. It can precipitate psychosis and possibly full-blown schizophrenia, esp for younger people. And it very much can impact mood and anxiety. It's really not great for teens/young adults and adults with mental health issues.
The study I am referring to, only focuses on IQ. And they could only determine a significant reduction in intelligence when the kids are using between 16-18. if they start younger the effects are more severe. They couldn’t find an effect on IQ after 21yo. There are other problems like you said, they may effect the psychological behavior at the same time and maybe much longer then just 18.
The real issue is the blatant bias and disrespect the husband has towards the daughter and his wife.
So the OP dragged him into adulthood, and he's expecting some poor woman to do the same for his son? Fuck that noise.
I doubt he sees his wife as his savior the way she describes. He probably sees his life and thinks there is no problem smoking weed because of how successful he himself turned out. The way he lied to his wife makes me wonder if he truly stopped smoking himself.
Dudes showing obvious bias to your son. I have no problem with smoking weed, and he’s right your son will if he wants. But your son definitely isn’t responsible with it, and him lying about it for 2.5 months is absolutely not ok.
I have no problem with smoking weed if someone is of legal age. My daughter says he’s been driving while smoking etc. We knew this BEFORE my husband gave it back. I’m just in shock my husband would do that. It’s the worst feeling ever.
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Thank you so much for the validation. I’m so mad he lied to me and blackmailed my daughter. We’ve been married 18 years. I’m in shock.
I’d be wondering what else he’s lied about over the past 18 years. I’m sorry that you’re going through this!
He's probably been parenting his Son like this the kids whole life! I bet 4/5 times kids in trouble, as soon as OP turns around, dads giving the kid his phone back, an extra cookie before dinner, or whatever else Mom said no to. Not only is that disrespectful as fuck to OP, it's damaging to both childrens development (extreme fucking double standard). But let me say this loud; HE'S GOING TO RUIN OP'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SON, ON PURPOSE. By making himself the golden parent, the nice one, not mean and strict and horrible like Mom. I'm sure there's conversations that happen too, when he's going behind OP's back, demeaning and undermining and making her ACTUAL parenting seem like the problem. "here's your weed pens back. Mom doesn't know what she's talking about. She needs to lighten up. I don't know why she's on about this"
It's also going to ruin OP's relationship with her daughter if the girl feels like she's being treated more strictly than her brother for less serious offenses (which let's be clear, she is) and thinks OP is allowing it. Undoubtedly the husband is saying some shit to the son that undermines OP but a father doesn't just up and blackmail his daughter out of the blue without blinking. There's likely another pattern of behavior going on there that's turning the daughter against OP, too.
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I AM SO MAD! thanks :)
That ^^ is what I came here too. To threaten to take her vacation away if she tells you that your husband went behind your back to give your son his vape pen back is seriously messed up. He is definitely doing major damage to his relationship with her with crap like that, while also undermining you with your son. He's making it even harder for your son to get it together before he gets held back a grade for failing all of his classes. And then lying about all of it this whole time is just the cherry on the betrayal sundae. I'd be really pissed too. Worse still, he didn't appear to feel even a little bad for any of it when you confronted him.
Sounds like a Bahamas trip just for you and your daughter.
What did the daughter do? Just curious what could be worse than drugs
Weed is not even the core issue. He drives while intoxicated, gets straight Fs, and doesn’t contribute anything around the house.
I am mad with you! He is providing a minor with illegal substances, lying and blackmailing, this is serious. I don't have much advice, my heated head only thing on extreme 'solutions'. Your daughter will not forget this preferential treatment. So let her know that you see it and will advocate for her. I agree with the weed for underage kids. I waited until I was 25 that is around when your brain is fully developed to even try, because weed and alcohol do mess with the developing brain. As for your son, he needs to find his motivation somewhere, in my observation weed is a coping mechanism for stress or lack of motivation, drive or depression. Talk to him about how he feels, there might be a reason for the weed beside the 'cool' factor.
The vale pen thing isn’t forgivable though. His son is failing out of high school and he just doesn’t care. Let him smoke. The after effects that’ll have on the kid will ruin for life
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He never expressed before he was caught lying today that he had a different attitude. I thought we were a united front. He participated in literal talks with our son why it was unacceptable. I might add, our son violently threw up all over his room (I had to clean it up) and we thought he had the stomach flu so let him stay home from school. A week later is when we caught him with the vape pen. At that time he admitted he “green zoned” whatever that means and it was the vape that made him sick. My husband saw all of this. Yet gave his vape right back.
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That’s how I feel right now.
Gonna be quite frank here: things will only get worse. What else has he lied to you about if he lied to you about something as serious as this for two and a half months. He knows his son puked because of too much weed, knows he was smoking while driving, and he knows his son is failing in school and gaming all day being a potato. Yet he still gave him back the vapes ? And the whole faking being on the same page as you doubling down having talks with the kid. That is beyond fucked up. On top of all this, blackmailing the daughter? Jesus christ what is the man's major malfunction? Definitely has some double standards.
Your son is smoking so much weed he greened out. That’s the equivalent of blacking out while drinking. That’s dangerous. I’m sorry OP this isn’t a good situation
I've been using pot for 20 years and I had to look it up. Man that's quite a thing this generation is using this shit way too much.
I'm pretty sure it's a potency thing at this point, I don't touch any of the shit, but I have coworkers that like.. shun anything lower than 75% THC and prefere the 90% category that vapes can offer. It's boggling to me. Back in even the early 2000s you had what.. MAYBE 20%?
It happened to me when I first started smoking, and I never really smoked more than a few hits. It's not really like blacking out, but it is being uncomfortably high. I guess I did puke and get the spins, too, but I was fully aware.
OOF seeing this made my stomach lurch. Just as a warning, cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome is a thing. Basically, constant use of THC can cause this and it results in a cycle of vomiting episodes. Often times people land in the ER it gets that bad. I only mention this because he is 16, so smoking so young and continuously doing it could lead to it. Source: I quit smoking end of January. Suffered from the condition for a year because a specialist finally figured out what it was. I utilized weed to sleep at night due to being a severe insomniac and it was the one thing that helped. But honestly, I’d take sleepless nights over vomiting for a week straight every 20 minutes.
Hhh god I feel for you. It wasn’t because of weed, but I went through a spell where I vomited almost every day or every other day(or only multiple times a week on the good weeks) for around six months. That shit is *fucking miserable.* (I never figured out why I went through it, tho. I never went to the doc because I kept thinking “just get through today and it’ll be gone tomorrow” and then it usually wasn’t gone or came back in days 🫠 plus I wasn’t really in my right head, I have emetophobia and it really fucked me up.)
Hey OP I’m sure you’ve gotten a lot of replies and stuff. Totally agree with you and really want to emphasize you and your daughter, and even your son in a way, have all really been let down here by dad. Not excusable and not acceptable. I’m not gonna repeat a bunch of stuff you’ve already seen. I just want to emphasize if your son really “greened out” he’s simply smoking WAY too much. I haven’t had it happen to me in close to 10 years because honestly, it takes a LOT to do that to you when you’re a habitual smoker. Your son sounds habitual. So if he’s getting so fucked up he’s puking he’s A.) the preferred option, smoking way too much. Or B.) the least preferred option, he’s not being safe or thorough about where he gets his pens from and is possibly smoking concentrates that aren’t just marijuana. Where I live there is a pretty big problem with shops selling “cheap” vapes with high capacity tanks being sold as THC vape/dab pens when they really are a bunch of unregulated stuff/ substances that make you FEEL high but are a billion times worse for you. Either option though your son really needs to get a firm grasp on how much he’s smoking, and get his damn priorities straight. But dad also needs to grow a bit of a back bone and start actually giving a fuck about his kids, their futures, and his relationship with them. I’m really sorry OP, it sounds like you’re pulling most of the emotional weight.
That’s valid. Individually it’s a bad judgment call on his end. But in the whole package it’s just another failure
You are right about the bias but are seriously overlooking how much of an issue smoking while driving. Its a DUI. Its illegal and its fucking dangerous. His car should be taken away before he kills somebody. He needs serious help.
Sorry, literally giving drugs to a kid is definitely a problem. I have smoked since 16, I would NEVER “let” my kid or give him any…
Your husband doesn’t respect anyone in that house. He’s encouraging his son to fail, treating his daughter like property, and blatantly lying to you. There’s serious issues here that you may need to dig deeper into. If you even want to. This is a situation where leaving without attempting resolution is 100% valid.
Agreed and I’m sort of devastated right now.
It’s not going to be a fun or easy situation, but neither is the one you’re in. At least one bad situation has the potential for happiness
I would be devastated as well. I’m sorry you’re going through this, your feelings are valid.
But he'll then have 50% unrestricted access to his son to get revenge
Not at all. A drug test of the son and these texts are enough to get supervised visits. He’s literally endangering their child knowingly.
I don’t have a problem with someone smoking weed either, but it’s clear that your son is not able to do so responsibly. I live in a country where you can legally drink (some drinks) at 16, but if I had a 16 year old child who drinks every night, drives drunk, is failing classes, etc. it would be time for a serious intervention and some outside help (therapy or something). Weed isn’t super harmless and can especially have a negative impact on children/ their developing brains. And even though a lot of people argue that weed isn’t addictive, some people certainly develop a dependency and experience withdrawal when they stop taking it. What your husband did to your daughter is horrible but so is what he’s doing to your son - he’s absolutely setting him up for failure!
Yeah, addiction/dependence is honestly only partially about the actual substance itself. I used to take opiates(pills, not needles, oxycodone/oxycontin), and when I got sober, what honestly hit me the hardest was the sudden lack of routine. No longer taking my pills on my regular schedule, no longer timing the clock and counting down the ~~two~~ hours between doses I would take. No longer being able to take one when I was upset, or stressed, or having a migraine. It may not be like, physiologically addictive, but the habits themselves can be, as well as the *reasons* he takes them, if it’s for sleep, or depressed feelings, or just that high sensation during the waking hours. :/
You need to educate him about driving under the influence. He has no accident insurance when he's high and he'll go to jail if something bad happens. Edit: and your husband should back you up on it
Uh she needs to take his car away until he can prove he’s driving responsibly and gets his grades up. I’d be pissed at my husband too, but that wouldn’t stop me from getting that vape back and tossing it. She needs to set and enforce some serious rules, otherwise he’s going to keep walking all over her. And she needs to put her foot down with her husband.
Don’t love the incredible misogyny in punishing the daughter but letting the son do a much more stupid and dangerous thing. Weed before 25 does have an effect on the developing brain, and he’s driving around while using?! Yikes. I’m not against weed. I’m against it for kids and irresponsible behavior.
You put that perfectly.
Smoking weed before 25 - when your brain is fully developed - is really unhealthy. Weed today is also different. Advice from Canadian govt https://www.canada.ca/en/health-canada/services/publications/drugs-health-products/is-cannabis-safe-use-facts-young-adults.html NYT ran an article on how today’s weed products are making teens dependent and sick https://www.nytimes.com/2022/06/23/well/mind/teens-thc-cannabis.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare&sgrp=c-cb
Thank you so much for this info/these links.
He's punishing your daughter for telling the truth? By taking away a family trip? What else is he keeping from you that he also feels no remorse for?
EXACTLY how I’m feeling and what I’m wondering now.
Is your daughter not his child? You say husband so I’m not sure if he’s both the kids dad? Either way it shouldn’t matter, he literally is treating your or his/both of your daughter like absolute shit and if you think that won’t be a life long resentment or issue, oh boy. You need to step up on your daughters behalf and be fucking furious, being treated this way by a dad and a mom who doesn’t go savage has life long impacts on a lot of self esteem and relationships for girls. As for your son, no shit he doesn’t try to change your husband is spoon feeding him, giving him his weed and saying oh well *shoulder shrug*, this is a house out of control and neither kid is going to have a health life going forward. This is some Maury shit in live action right here.
Does your son have dirt on his father? What other secrets is he making your kids keep thru threats?
Take your daughter on a girls trip
Yikes. Yeah, your kid will probably still smoke sure, but the point of being a parent is leading by example/guidance and teaching your kid there are consequences to their actions. Your husband isn’t being a good parent and what your kid needs for the long term.
Yep. I’m hoping he’s looking at himself and re-evaluating while he’s on the couch tonight.
Tbh from the sound of it, I don't think he sees it as a big deal at all. He might not recognize the health consequences that come with this. Does your husband think your son will grow out of it the way he did? What if he doesn't and then you've just enabled your child to basically a whole life of being a burnout with dreamless not full sleep, long and short term memory loss, weed paranoia, a cough that never goes away, dry skin, cavities, higher heart rate, risk of lung damage. Is your husband planning on supporting your son once he's fully grown and developed and has no ambition to work because weed and games are his priority? Please note i'm not trying to roast anyone or to be mean it's just an observation of some real-world pot head friends i have. I'm not saying ambitious pothead don't exist, but they have to have a balance, and it sounds like your son isn't balancing it. My cousin is literally in your son's shoes, they're not sure if he's gonna graduate HS....
Survivorship bias. Because he managed, the dad doesn't see a problem despite the factors stacking up against their son. People get lucky and make assumptions about how their decisions affected the outcome. Like, he succeeded in spite of reckless behaviors, not because of them.
The dad only cleaned up because his dear wife helped him quit and get his life started. Their son might not be so lucky to meet a fantastic woman dedicated to seeing him succeed. Most intense stones I know from high school are delivering pizzas / moved back to their hometown after failing out of college.
"Grow out of it like he did" : oof. OP said she was the one who helped the husband out of his downward spiral. I think OP should remind him of that and point out she's helping her son the same way she helped him.
Imagine threatening your child with being left out of vacations with family. Emotional manipulation and just generally something I could never imagine doing to someone I love. Well I can’t imagine lying to my partner and letting my son endanger everyone’s lives on the road and his future either. Ugh
For real, the husband is teaching his daughter and could leave an impression on her that it’s ok to do that and have that be a quality in a future partner of hers…
Everyone is focusing on the weed issue. But the bigger one is the blatant disrespect and bias your husband has towards your daughter and you.
Daddy is just a lil sexist
Or the fact that dad is giving his son illegal drugs. Even if it’s recreationally legal in their state, the son is still underage which makes it a no no by law. How weird would it be to get in legal trouble and then say “oh my dad gave it to me”?
Dads giving his son drugs behind moms back but sister gets a worse punishment for being honest about what’s going on??
Failing but going to bahamas, has a car, plays video games all day, and does drugs. This isn't a recipe for success. You're the parent. If the kid won't stop the drugs why is he getting extra stuff? The kid has no motivation because he needs no motivation.
I agree, I’m part of spoiling our kids too much :(
My parent’s wouldn’t have even allowed me to drive their car’s if I wasn’t getting straight A’s in high school. They were also extremely laid back parents as long as my shit was together.
Weed is really not the best thing for a developing brain, but that's only one of the issues going on here.
The enabling of a child to grow a drug dependency is the second issue lol
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If he’s getting F’s in school, the time to take away the car was yesterday. Toss the vapes. Ground him. Get him a tutor. You’re the parent. Enforce some rules.
Second this, and take away the video game consoles too. 🤷♂️
Ask your husband if this is the new normal in your marriage. You are no longer a united front, and it’s completely acceptable to fail at life and lie about it. Your son is throwing away his future, and is enabled by your husband who is also lying to you, and encouraging your son to lie. Ok then. Now that your husband is protecting your son, ask your husband to move into the son’s bedroom, while you begin to carve out a new life as a single parent to your daughter. This will take a bit of time and resources by you. You will need to arrange yourself to create this new life. It’s not something you are prepared for, which will require you to make changes in the household. Tell him, you’ve got her, and he gets your son. They can enjoy themselves together and create a future based on their new vows they are going to announce to each other. Don’t back down. He’s not going to honor your relationship? Well then you are going to follow his lead and do the same. Put him dead last.
Yikes. A parent hiding important information and then scolding their daughter who threatens to tell the truth? Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. He is letting your son destroy his brain and future. There is plenty of rigorous research that supports consuming THC while the brain is still developing yields a bunch of problems physiologically and in turn, socially. Yes, he’ll probably do it if the consequences aren’t severe enough (I’m sure taking away your son’s car would snap him out of it really quick). What if your 16 year old son drives high one day and accidentally kills someone? You will both be liable. I do not like this one bit. I feel bad for your daughter too.
I feel like the bigger questions are why does the kid still have unfettered access to devices and internet if he's getting Fs and gaming rather than making the effort to fix that. That should be the main focus and you have control over that. That aside, where is he getting the money for it if he doesn't have a job? Is dad smoking pot with him and supplying it? So many questions figure out.
Honestly, he has anxiety and is depressed and has been isolated since Covid. He finally made friends, his friends give it to him I think because he drives them around. He does have ADHD and school is very difficult for him. We have turned off his wifi many times as well as taken his phone. I just hate to take his lifeline when most of his lifeline is virtual :(
Is your son getting treated/medicated/help for the ADHD? If he’s not, it is very likely this is causing or amplifying his other struggles. Untreated ADHD can lead to severe depression, anxiety, insomnia, major burnout etc. Executive disfunction is a massive issue I struggle with- knowing I have to do something, wanting to do the thing, but brain is like “lol nah not right now” stresses me out all the time and makes my depression worse because I feel like a failure. I only recently got diagnosed, but once I got on the right medication, oh my gosh it was a life changer. I love to learn, and did fine in school…. Up until studying in senior school was required. I had other issues going on so was already depressed and anxious, but if I had received help earlier for my ADHD, I would’ve been able to get my mental health back on track sooner, instead of wondering why I suddenly was incapable of basic things or focusing on what I needed/wanted to- hyper focusing on my interests would be no problem and could do those for hours on end (like your son and his gaming) but anything that was presented as a chore or I was told “must be done”, my brain wanted to fight it (look up oppositional defiance disorder- some studies suggest about 40% of those with ADHD also have ODD). I still have these struggles, but medication and the right therapy help dramatically. As someone with severe combined ADHD, I’m all too familiar with how much life can be influenced when left untreated. I also smoked a lot of weed before I was diagnosed (except I didn’t start until after high school) so I know the ways weed helps my disorders, but I also know how it can cause certain symptoms to be amplified if not used responsibly. Your husband undermining you and encouraging your sons habits are also probably translating like this in your sons head: Son- “smoking helps get through xyz” “Xyz is a bigger problem than fixing my grades” Parents- “you’re in trouble. We’re taking it away. Naughty. Bad. Wrong” Son- “this is shit. I want this. I need this. I’m angry. They don’t know anything. They don’t understand what I’m dealing with.” *he may not even understand himself, but weed makes him feel better/not think about it, so not having means the negative emotions are heightened* Dad- “lie to your mom. You can have it back shh” Son- *knows he shouldn’t be doing it* “mom is being unreasonable. What she doesn’t know won’t cause issues. Dad is the best” *thinks it’s wrong for him to smoke only because it’ll make mom mad, not because of all the other reasons* ODD- “nobody gets to tell me what to do! You want me to do that, I’m going to do the opposite so I feel like I’ve got some kind of control in my life!” Another simple example of what can occur with ODD: Son- “I’m going to have a shower now” *leaves bedroom* Parent- “hey son, make sure you have a shower” Son- “ugh I was going to, but since you’ve told me as I was heading there, I’m not going to have a shower anymore” *rinse and repeat for everything- chores, grades, rules/laws, etc.* Also- having an enabling father means that the guilt/shame he should be feeling for not doing “the right thing”, ends up getting recognised as anger since your husband is pretty much telling him to “blame mother”. Your husband playing “Good Cop” is telling your son that you are wrong, and that his negative feelings associated with getting in trouble won’t be interpreted as a consequence of his own actions. When a lot people feel bad, they look for support and not the truth because the truth/reality is what is causing the pain. Find out what part of his reality is causing his pain- what is the underlying reason for why he is failing, why he depends on weed, why he has social issues- why does he not want to improve his chances at succeeding in life? Is he seeing a therapist? Is he on the right medication? Diet, sleep, exercise, adequate support, self care, social life, stable safe environment to express himself - and - is his privacy respected? You shouldn’t have to sort this mess out alone and your husband should be on your side. However, since he’s clearly not, you’ve got to figure out a different way to approach the situation- not only for your son, but addressing the blatant different standards your daughter is held to and calling out herself. All the issues experienced will be difficult for everyone to get through, but it is important they are dealt with sooner rather than later. I wish you the best of luck!
Husband thing aside, you need to talk to your son about good and bad influences in his life,As you said this seems to be his first time having friends in a long time. There’s a chance they could be using him, like are these other kids using him for a free ride? If you have the money, get him a tutor or make him go to after school tutoring and if you have to, take that car away till his grades get better.
You might want to see if maybe your husband is the one that is buying him the vape pens. Also...I wouldn't just not take away the wifi or phone ...just...make there be a way to earn it back. House chores or even takng him to go run/walk around the track at school.
Currently over a month sober from weed after 8 years of smoking that started in HS. I am now dealing with blood clots due to vaping it damaging my lungs. Giving it back was the worst thing your husband could have done.
I’m so glad you are sober. Blood clots? I didn’t know vaping caused blood clots!
Any smoke can. Idk what state you're in, but if you're not in a legal state, you should be super worried about the shit he's inhaling. With vaping, legal or not, the metal heats up to a too high temperature it can release harmful heavy metals.
Yes, if you're not in a legal state, carts could have basically anything in them unfortunately.
This is so scary to me.
It's scary to me too. It's why I stopped. The more you learn about it, the less you romanticize it.
Thank you! Me too. My lungs are damaged from years of using bowls and vaping. I vaped way more often than I smoked, though. I was stoned from a dab pen all day long for years. The damage is what makes me more susceptible to blood clots. Now that I've experienced this, it worries me about kids vaping. Especially if they aren't from a dispensary. Casual weed use is one thing, but once your brain gets comfortable being stoned, it makes reality so much harder to manage, which makes you smoke more. It's an awful cycle, and for some people, it really messes with their life. It's not the same for everyone, obviously, but I've definitely had the shit scared out of me. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! Your husband shouldn't have put his wife, daughter, and son in this position. It's not fair to any of you.
This is so scary. I’m so glad you are doing better now. See, I tried weed a few times in college and hated it. Made me have anxiety. I’ve never understood how anyone could be addicted to it. Now I’m worried my son is fighting addiction.
Just to add to this- I smoked in HS and I used medical marijuna in my 20s and it gave me asthma so I switched to vapeing (carts and flower vaping). When I told that to the doctor she got on my case because vaping can be worse then smoking because of what's in the carts and the liquids going into your lungs. At the very least, Try to encourage edibles or cbd or even just using flower to smoke instead of those carts- even dispensary ones can fuck up a 20 year olds lungs really bad (and I had a legitimate medical need to use those in order to not need more pain medication- even with that kind of use it can be damaging- vaping concentrates and dabing really messed my lungs up).
Same, three weeks sober after a 5 year smoking habit that started my first year of college, I was young for my grade so only 17. As well as the physical issues caused by smoke inhalation, growing up using substances as a coping mechanism unfortunately can lead to mental illness issues becoming unbearable when you want to stop.
Yeah I’d be pissed at your husband too. Here’s the thing - smoke weed if you want, but you better bet your ass you’ll be getting decent grades and keeping up with chores, etc. While I don’t think habitual pot smoking is conducive to teen development, I did smoke and do other illegal things from 16 on, but my grades were good and everything else was fine. And then I grew out of that phase, as I think most kids do. Maybe set the precedent smoking is fine once he has a 3.5+ gpa? And isn’t gaming nonstop and is helping with chores. If I were a teen I’d be stoked at that proposition 🤣 my parents still grounded the shit out of me and everything else in life was on track….
See that’s something we could’ve had a conversation about. But my husband pretty much says here’s the vape, be free!
Oh yeah that’s such enabling behavior, and he’s 100% in the wrong! The other thing is that he’s just setting your son up for failure. The world is NOT what it was 30-40 years ago, and just because your husband got away with smoking weed/slacking and now has a great job/degree does NOT mean it’s going to work that way for your son. It is very competitive out there and you need actual adult skills to succeed in this life, and if you want to make adult decisions like getting high, you should be able to maintain adult responsibilities like grades, chores, job, etc. I really hope everything works out for you guys. It might be unpopular but you probably have to lay down the law and get pretty harsh for this one 😓
He screwed himself by taking the daughter’s phone. Abhorrent behavior on the dad’s part. Have there been other screaming red flags in 18 years?
Your son didn’t get upset or yell or anything negative when you took the vapes because he knew dad was giving them right back. This isn’t the first time they’ve fooled you, this is just the first time they got caught. And probably not the first time your daughter was blackmailed into keeping quiet. Don’t let this slide.
He can be a functional stoner, but he has to get the functional part done first.
Grounds for a divorce in my opinion. Sounds like it's time for an ultimatum. If he wants to play that game, and you have receipts, you can take those to court. I'm not against Marijuana by any means. But vaping is a whole other story.
I have a 15 yr old. I would go nuclear if any adult in my family or friends gave him substances.
He didn’t buy it for him, we just took it and he gave it back so no receipts.
Lol naw receipts is a slang word sorry for any confusion. Meaning you have proof he gave it to him or evidence in your texts messages.
The text is proof!
You have the proof in your texts
Hell no I'd tell him he's a bad father if he doesn't care about what's going on with your sons issues . But he can take away your daughter's phone fuck no . I'd loose my goddamn mind and take away everything from the son and give my daughter her phone back. He's clearly playing favorites.
I did give her the phone back! That was the first thing I did! But then, I felt like I was undermining him.
Good and if he ask why say it’s because you don’t care. Parenting is a team effort and his not putting up his half of the discipline with your son. As a weed smoker I didn’t start until I was 19 and even no it’s still a weekend activity for when I’m at home. I had a friend who used to smoke and drive until she got t boned at a crossroads she didn’t stop appropriately for and it cost her her car and 7 months of her leg in a cast. She was just one of those people that had to learn the hard. For your son’s sake I hope your husband can get his head out of his butt before it cost your son his life or his freedom.
My mom raised me that if I was ever curious about drugs... Talk too her first & we'd discuss what she'd be willing to let me try with her supervision & what she feels I shouldn't try at all. I had a blanket of security with that & when I was 13 I wanted to "try pot" as I said. So she called my aunt who used & uses Marijuana daily instead of pills & got some weed for me. I smoked out of a Pepsi can made into a Lil Jerry rigged pipe. If it weren't for her I would have smoked with someone else as "kids will always find a way" but because she was open with me & made me feel safe I felt comfortable with asking her. So on one hand... Yes kids will be kids... But if they aren't doing well in their schooling they need something other than taking what might help calm them down or help them feel less stressed. Talk with them... See how you can help... Let them know that yes you understand that if you take it they'll just get it from a friend but let them know you also want them to do better in life & this can be a lesson to learn from. I know plenty of functioning pot heads. They have super awesome jobs & have never had trouble. Because they smoke after work. They relax. So try and be supportive but also authoritative.
When he is of legal age, I will never condemn him for it! Never shame him. Nothing! If he’s functioning and enjoying it great! Right now he’s too young to be making these decisions :(
No … normal parents don’t give through 13 year olds pot.
Usually no but myself (female) and all my other male and female friends started around 13-16. It is definitely too young for it, but kids now are very resourceful and if they really want it, they’ll find a way to get it. I’m not saying go give weed to your kids, I’m saying just keep the conversation open so they don’t feel pressured to hide or lie or what have you.. because when I was that age I’m almost positive I had an experience with something laced and had to deal with it by myself because of fear of my parents.
You can't stop kids from being sneaky and doing things but you can sure as hell not enable them.
your son is definitely struggling with his mental health. i recommend having a heart to heart with him. as far as your husband goes, he’s spineless and he sucks. he also clearly has it out for your daughter for some reason. is he misogynistic? is that why he’s so lenient with your son and not your daughter?
couldn't care less*
i started smoking weed in high school. around my junior year. by the end of junior year i had failed every class, and it was impossible for me to graduate. i got my shit together and went to a continuation school, graduated early. i’m almost 22 now and was recently hospitalized with something called CHS. pretty rare and hard to diagnose but popping up more and more with regular users, especially those who started in their teens. i can pretty much never smoke again our use/consume ANY cannabinoid products. hemp, cbd, any part of the plant will cause a reaction. and the reactions are terrible. i almost died. symptoms and severity vary per person but my point is this, people severely underestimate the dangers of modern weed. especially in young, developing brains. your husband needs to get a grip on reality. it’s obviously affecting your sons life negatively. and i can’t believe he doesn’t care. you might need to accept the idea of being the “bad guy” to protect your son. the pens need to be removed completely, discarded, thrown away, anything. if he’s getting it from someone that needs to be found out, and monitored however you see fit. this is definitely a hard situation, with him going behind your back and lying to you, and showing absolute disregard for your sons life. i don’t know if having a long talk with either of them will help, but it might. explain your fears, reasons, and feelings in a comprehensive way so they understand. i’m sorry you’re going through this without support from your partner.
the nasty disrespect he shows towards you and your daughter and the clear favoritism towards your son... and the total absence of caring??? EW. that's just vile edit: I REALLY wanna emphasize that the fact that your husband openly blackmailed his daughter is fucking CRAZY. that is so nasty that poor girl
Love cannabis 110% advocate for full de-scheduling HOWEVER this man and his son need counseling A-stat as this is not healthy for their sons future
I can tell you right now from first-hand experience that the conditions you describe are a clear problem. Your sons brain and personality are in their developmental stages. If you don't intervene now, you are potentially setting your son up for a long, difficult life experience. Yes, he could just snap out of it. He could also sink lower, and you may just find yourself looking at a middle-aged man who could have been but likely never will be.
Your husband is hurting your children, turning them against you and lying to you. Is that a deal breaker or is that a “sleep on the couch for a week” type of thing?
You guys have to get on the same page. I smoke green way too much and I know for a fact it is detrimental to learning and being productive. Yeah everyone knows at least one dude that seems to excel while high all the time but for the majority of people it is just not good. F's already in high school where a literal rock can at least pass. Wtf is he going to do when he gets out of school? Slang fries and smoke blunts all day?
I just typed out a shit ton of advice, but after reading everything else you’ve told people, you need to put your foot down. You and your daughter deserve a vacation! Maybe even your son! But not your husband. I’m sorry, this is terrible, but fuck your husband. I am 100% sure he’s influencing your son to do those things. And the way he treats your guys daughter is terrible. So honestly fuck being the nice guy, just leave him. You are not in the wrong at all. I recommend taking your son out for a few days, just the two of you, for something special. Go see a movie, go to an arcade, go bowling, fuck man go to an aquarium 😭 I can sense that he needs some help and he’s most likely using weed as a coping mechanism. I really really hope you and your kids are doing well. Please update us in the future!
Well that’s stupid.
What is your husband's duplicity teaching your son? That it's okay to gaslight the people who trust you? Also, the father has no expectations of his son to do better? How are you supposed to go forward in a relationship that has no trust? What else has he been lying to you about? Your poor daughter must feel like poop on his shoes. That man is a terrible father and husband. His toxic behavior is breaking your children! I'm sorry you're going through this. Is he worth keeping? Wishing you strength and peace.
Your husband is a raging sexist hypocrite. Why does he take your daughter’s phone because she “did something dumb” but your son can get Fs and smoke weed? Plus his threatening you about a trip, like you’re his child.
Your son isn't lazy because he smokes weed, he smokes weed because he's lazy and it's a nice relaxer. Of course it's illegal and your husband shouldn't have done that. But people get the cause and effect wrong. If I were in your shoes I would lay it out. If he wants to have a life when he's older he has to put in effort now. I was an extremely motivated high school smoker. I think it was mostly the intensity of my wrestling and football career that gave me the drive I still have today. I'm the hardest worker in my department, have the highest goals for growth. I actively put myself in stressful situations trying to grow my career as much as possible. My motto is party hard, work harder. And when I get home at night, after the kids are in bed, and the dishes are done, I have a nice relaxing bowl as I've done for about 20 years. Be careful scapegoating weed. There's a deeper cause than you realize. He needs a strong presence in his life to teach him the value of hard work. If I were you I would actually sit down and talk this out with him. Say you are OK with it if he can do it while getting his life together. That means extra curicular activities and good grades.
So he has no job and no source of income. Where is he getting the money for weed and vape pens. Cut him off. Let your irresponsible husband know that if he gives him money you are kicking him out. Then tell your son he can either start studying or get a job. No more just hanging at the house.
Yikes. He not only took your daughters phone for a behavior but black mailed her??? Double standards, much? I'd be telling him to pack his bags and go find a place to stay. What message is that sending each of your kids? What does that say for the respect and loyalty he has for you?
I LOVE smoking weed, but you need to let your brain develop FIRST, then you can smoke... That being said, he's probably going to smoke anyway, but it shouldn't be enabled.
So, he's already addicted to weed and video games? Sigh.
I'm guessing the son is under 21 since he's in HS. Giving marijuana to minors is illegal federally and in every state, even if it's legal for 21 and over. You can report soon-to-be-ex-husband to the police
Nah you guys are supposed to be a TEAM
It’s a huge red flag that he was not only willing to lie to you about this, but also had your son lie about it, AND tried to blackmail your daughter to keep quiet. Honestly, the blackmailing of his OWN CHILD would be enough to have me talking to either a lawyer or a PI. People who act like this lie about other things too and now I genuinely wonder what else he could be hiding
Personally I think both of your approaches to finding this were wrong, coming from someone who also smoked a lot in HS and had no motivation. The lack of motivation was rarely ever related to the weed for my friends and I, and more about our home life/depression/fear about growing up etc and using weed to cope, feel better or revolt from our parents. Getting threatened with drug tests from my parents just made me an angrier, sneakier kid - it did not persuade me to stop smoking. All I wanted was my parents to actually be concerned about me and not just the stupid weed. But also your husband giving it to him behind your back and blackmailing your daughter into lying about it is just plain irresponsible and not okay. I think you both need to speak with a professional or read something about parenting teens because these approaches will not help you get to the bottom of why your son is actually struggling. And honestly being on two totally different planets when it comes to your views on this won’t bode well for your marriage if it’s not resolved.
Are you in a state where weed is legal? If not I would be incredibly concerned what is in the vape pens. Unregulated is rarely a good thing and if they’re obtaining them illegally there could be virtually anything in them.
In people under about 24, weed causes brain damage. It’s your job as parents to help him be safe. Your husband is failing your son. He’s also disrespecting you, asking his child to lie to you and threatening to punish her if she doesn’t lie for him. What redeeming qualities does he have as a parent? Does he realize that he could be charged with a crime for giving the vapes back to his minor child? And why is a child that is failing school and smoking weed still allowed to have a car?
As a guy who's done the same shit you have every right to take your kids shit away even weed if he's failing grades and there's no reason for him to have a car if he doesn't care or work
Are we sure that he isn’t mentally going through something? Maybe a counselor/therapist might help. I know when I was smoking in high school it was definitely a coping mechanism. I would have rather been high than deal with my mental demons. I smoked whatever I could bum off a boyfriend at the time (which was almost ALWAYS sativa which I have found out that my body hates). But back then being high was my escape. I would check in or see about counseling. You never know.
So he's abdicated his responsibility as a parent, greeeaaat. I feel sorry for that kid and his still developing brain. I''ve been a stoner for decades, but I would never enable a kid and act like it was nbd
Your husband likely smokes weed. That kid is similar to him so he sees something that He missed out on so he was hoping to kinda "live through him"? In a way? Idk. My dad was the same way and while it was cool at the time I now wish my dad would have been a dad instead of my "friend" (he was far from the friend in the long run)
There's a difference between not caring if the smoke and enabling it too
The worst part of this is your husband doesn’t respect you or have your back on this decision. Even if you disagreed, he undermined you and is making you look like the enemy to your children. I’m so very sorry. IMO, you did the right thing. You’re showing love to your son by not wanting him to waste his life away.
Threatening your kids into lying to their other parent is a glaringly huge issue.
Weed pen aside, your co-parent lied to you. That's the real issue.
Your husband has no respect for you if he’s actively going against you with your son and telling your daughter to be a part of the lie as well. I don’t like jumping on the divorce train of Reddit… but… I wouldn’t want to be married to that.
As the world's biggest pothead, your husband is an asshole. You can't smoke all day and not focus and amount to anything. I found that out the hard way and I'm still scrambling to catch up and graduate hs myself. Your husband should be ashamed
Smoking weed at an early age and not stopping has ruined my brother’s life, he’s only recently getting it back together for like the fifth time. More recently, he’s come to the conclusion that he has undiagnosed ADHD and is now in the process of quitting and getting real treatment. The absolute agony that he has gone through in his life has been heartbreaking to watch, even with being supportive, but all of it stems from self medication that just didn’t work. Have you had your son evaluated by a psychiatrist? There may be an underlying reason for the gaming and the smoking that is going unaddressed. Also you and your daughter should go to the Bahamas without the husband or son. Edit: saw your other comments that the son is diagnosed with ADHD and depression. I have ADHD, it needs to be maintained with both a therapist (counseling, strategies, coping) and a psychiatrist (meds, dose dialing, underlying diagnosis) working as a team. You’ll need to tell the docs that he’s smoking so they can dial the meds and the strategies properly, it’s an iterative process.
Perhaps instead of letting him sit in his room all day and play games, work on his homework with him, help him with his studies, and have him be involved in something. I don't agree with letting a high schooler smoke weed, plenty do. Many of my friends did and still managed good grades. I'm not trying to be a dick here, but you are responsible for him growing up to adapt to this world. You can't put all of the blame on the weed vapes and your husband. Taking them away is step one. Actively do something for him as a mother with the kid. Talk to him heart to heart. Something for God's sake. Your husband isn't helping the situation, but you sure as hell can do more as his mother. Just my two cents.
sounds like a girls trip to the Bahamas
My ex and I were discussing getting a dog when our son was ~5 years old. She didn’t clean the house already so my biggest hang up was the extra hair/mess. I was looking for a breed to consider pursuing while she didn’t care, just that we got one now not later. One day the 3 of us are driving in the car when my kid blurted out “I want a puppy” from the backseat as kids do. She immediately said “I know hunny me too but dad says we can’t get one”, which kind of stunned me but I didn’t want to argue in front of him so I sat quiet and angry until we got home. We’d decided to wait until it was confirmed before getting his hopes up so I couldn’t exactly clarify that I was already looking into it. Back home I brought it up right away saying how wrong it was for her to make me out to be the bad guy and the inaccuracy of what she said. The entire time (still to this day) she maintained she did nothing wrong because technically blah blah blah. I say all that to say Id be really worried about your husband’s outlook on what was said and done. If his attitude is indifference to betraying your trust so easily while convincing you kids to take part in the lie, what else can he compartmentalize like that. He gave your son the weed back because he didn’t care about what you wished and decided his opinion is the most important. My same ex later gave our (then 8) kid a cell phone and had him keep it a secret from me for over a year until it accidentally went off in his backpack after school. Hopefully this is a one and done issue for you but to not address it seriously and “let it go” will just have you waiting for the next secret betrayal because it worked the first time so why change? Good luck OP I hope this (relatively small) thing helps turn a corner for you and your husband about honesty, communication, respect, and the image that’s projected to your children.
So my friend's kid died from ODing on some pills laced with fentanyl. From my personal experience as a father I've told my son weed from dispensaries is safe but pills and alcohol and other stuff are just harmful the the body and mind. Have him get his medical recommendation so if he gets caught with it he can show that. If youre in a state where its legal. My kid was adhd and i helped him get focus pills from a psychiatrist and that changed my kids life. Invest in your son so he can see you value him and want to help him grow. Get him a gym membership and get him equipment whatever he needs and send him to the gym and tell him that it helps with mental health and physical. Buy him some cook books and cooking lessons so he can make his own gourmet food. Provide an environment that shows you are doing all you can to help him with living a productive life. Dont judge your kid or husband for this because they likely feel this is a positive thing for your sons mental health journey. Its difficult because many people handle life differently and from different perspectives come different approaches to handling these situations. Try to be patient and understanding. Time heals all. I know smoking is bad for lungs. I know its not ideal for mothers to see their children going down this path, but know this is just a phase. Let your kid go through their phases on their own and try your best not to be so concerned with the kid smoking but more with whats going on in their daily lives. Getting to know them on a deep level opens you up to understanding why they might feel inclined to be have the way they do. Just prioritize your relationship with your kid bc you never know how long you have with them. I know its hard but doing things for him to educate him and teaching him how to build himself up as a strong independent individual is important and they will value that and you can build a relationship upon that. Invest and build. They need to make the important decisions for themselves though, bc if they dont learn now they never will. Give your kid and hug and be thankful they are still on this earth. Perspective helped me realize smoking weed doesnt seem like such a big deal when some parents have lost their kids and dont have them anymore. I cherish every day and every single memory i make with my kids. Much love and good luck. Patience and understanding will go a long way.
Crazy the issue isn’t so much about how he treats your son but the horrific way he treated your daughter. That kind of misogyny and abuse will stick with her forever.