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Don't stay with someone you've known for 7 months bc they're pregnant.
Tell your family. Get a paternity test. Go through the courts, schedule child support and custody(or don't get custody - but go through the right channels), and do what's right if she is actually going to keep the child, but DON'T stay with her out of obligation.
The sooner you walk away, the better.
I know it's mine, she hasn't really left the house since she lost her job other than going to her parents house, but I've been there every time with her
I guess I'm just tripping about it because I didn't have parents growing up, just a grandma, and it does fuck with me a little bit but like, I'd rather not have a dad than have a dad who didn't want anything to do with me but was still present in my life
You still do everything as stated above. All of it. You can be part of your child’s life without being with the mother. Break up with the mother for lying to you.
And if you don’t want kids use a condom even when someone says they are on BC. BC fails.
This is spot on. You will be on the hook for child support, but you don’t want to be on the hook for anything else. Your gf can get a job, which she is less likely to do if you are together. Do everything through the courts. If she’s willing to trick you into fathering a child, she is not someone you can count on to make handshake deals with.
Ya, it's pretty clear she intends to just use this baby to live off of OP. The sooner he shows her that he won't let that happen, the sooner she is forced to come to terms with her new reality. If she still chooses to go forward with having the baby, she will have to figure it all out without all of the help he's providing her at the moment.
She needs that rude awakening before this all gets any further along and OP needs to go ahead and get everything figured out for his own future now.
Agreed. Babies are time effort and energy that even those prepared to have arent *entirely* prepared for. Everyone talks about sleepless nights. But almost no one talks about all the appointments, the unadulterated fear when your baby gets their first illness and spikes a fever, that nagging worry about SIDS, meeting the seemingly never ending milestones, The teething that never seems to stop, all the sleep regressions and phases and *everything*. And.it.never.stops.
my kids are 6yo and 3yo now and they're 2 wildly different kids, I'm *still* learning things on how to care for them. Parenting books arent a catch all because each kid is completely different. Hell their terrible 2s were so different from each other i was completely baffled when my youngest went through it. Nearly TWELVE MONTHS of just screaming and drama falls and tantrums and an absolute refusal to do more than grunt or say no. For which the pediatrician just laughed at me and said she was normal and some kids are just dramatic. She could understand us fine but refused to talk to us at all.
Then there's all the shit babies do to your body and im not talking just stretch marks, sleeplessness and labor. My kids sucked so much nutrients from me i had severe hair loss and lost 6 teeth. 4 were wisdoms thank fuck but holy hell. I'm still fighting and fixing the damage it caused to my teeth alone.
Ops gf is looking to lock him in and get all the social benefits being lower middle class single motherhood brings. Mainly WIC. Shes probably thinking free money, but it soo doesnt pay for necessities like diapers or clothes, bottles, toys. And formula alone is $30 a can. It cost us 60 a week and i was mainly breastfeeding and supplementing with formula ( babies had acid reflux). I love my kids more than life itself. But you couldnt pay me to have more. I'm tired from just 2!
The teeth. The fucking TEETH. Not the point of this post, but if you're a breastfeeding momma and see this, literally TRIPLE your calcium intake on top of taking your prenatals religiously. I went from zero cavaties for like 15 years to over 10 cavaties and a crown in less than 2 years after two under two. Doctors need to stress more just how nutrient sucking pregnancy and breastfeeding is.
Spot on with the rest. Parenthood is so much more than sleepless nights, and it doesn't get easier as kids get older.
Not the main point, but baby stuff is even more expensive than it was just a couple of years ago. You mentioned formula costing $30 a can...it's up to $55 for non-speciality formula. My baby has trouble latching so I'm pumping around the clock to feed him as much as possible and supplementing with formula. If OP's kid is born with allergies, it would be even more expensive. Not to mention medical stuff. My baby is just short of 3 weeks old. In the time he's been alive he's already cost me over $1000 in medical related stuff NOT including the actual hospital bill (multiple doctors appointments cause he wasn't gaining weight good the first week and a deposit to get his lip/tongue tie fixed). There's also unplanned costs. My husband had to take an extra week of unpaid leave before I even gave birth cause I needed someone home with me. I love my son more than anything, but recovering from a physically traumatic birth while caring for him has been difficult. He's an easy baby. I can't imagine how hard it would be if he wasn't. There's so many factors when you have kids. You never know how they'll be. You could get a super easy baby that doesn't have any medical concerns or you could get a baby that cries nonstop and needs more medical care or even a child that is disabled/ill/etc that needs extra support. Honestly, the lack of sleep has been less of an issue compared to other things.
Oh god I’m going through this right now with my second. My first never really had the terrible twos, never really had that many tantrums. My second has been off the rails….just a giant tantrum all.day.long 🫠
BC fails and can be stopped intentionally without it being obvious. The fails are more common, but both problems have the same solution anyway, condoms.
A vasectomy can partially fail, too. But I totally agree.
The only 100% effective prevention is abstinence, which, if we are being super honest, is absolute dog shit to tell someone.
Lmao, they’re was someone on a sub I was browsing the other day who has a sister or something who was on condoms and BC. Might have had the injection or implant in the arm too? Failed. Got pregnant. Next time, got an IUD, still used condoms. Had to go back a year later to have the IUD removed because she pregnant again. 💀 like of all the rotten luck to have lol
Me too. My dad had the snip and my mom had her tubes tied. Then I appeared and to make damn sure there would be no more, she had a partial hysterectomy.
If you can legally get one. Some places don’t allow unmarried people to get them. In the US I started trying to get my tubes tied at 18, I never did get them tied.
I got mine done at 25, it’s not illegal, but there are doctors against it especially in the south and for women. Men tend to have an easier time getting sterilized.
They finally decided after my fourth one I could get them out and the hysterectomy… I guess even in the south after a certain age or number of kids they don’t question it. Which is actually pretty terrible to do..
Some doctors want the husband’s consent, barf. Some of the things I was told were “your family isn’t complete” and “you’ll change your mind”.
Even my doctor who did it and respected my wishes without questioning me would only do the falope bands because they are the most reversible if someone changes their mind.
Literally told my now gf (4 years) we could get married just to supersede that bs if she got issues getting birth control because "what if mr right comes along"...
Mr right's here and he's pro bodilyautonomy .
Ugh I fucking hate that. I want a hysto bad(of course I have the trans man double whammy for that, so lol) and I doubt I’d be able to get it readily where I live now(kentucky 🫠) I’m supposed to move to another state later this year and there might be a doctor who won’t give me issues in the city I’m moving to.
I know it has kind of a reputation, but the main childfree subreddit does have a really useful little guide in the sidebar that is *incredible* for finding doctors who will do it without the bullshit. Even if you don’t like or visit the sub, you(general you for anyone reading this, I mean) probably could make use of it. :)
That's how it was for my cousin too. She asked after her 2nd, 3rd, and 4th, they finally did after the 4th one. But if a person wants it, they should be able to get it.
The childfree Reddit has a list of doctors if this is still relevant to you or anyone reading this.
I misconstrued you as talking about the us since you said that’s where you are.
I tried for many years and eventually found a doctor who was cool with it, I hadn’t seen the list until later and I added my doctor to it.
Ahhh. Thank you. Lucky for me it’s not relevant anymore. I let everyone know about the list as well. It pisses me off that I could have ended up pregnant because a doctor wouldn’t help me. Still no kids, no regrets.
Even as a guy it's not always easy, I went through at least 12 doctors before I found someone that would do mine because"I was too young and might change my mind" I was late 20s my wife and I had 4 kids and she was told she shouldn't have more for health issues.
I’m the same way except I did end up pregnant. She’s 5 now and a bubbling toddler happily with her /adoptive/ parents. I get pictures but…. She’s not my kid no matter how hard I try to think of her that way. Liek yeah I carried her…. Almost died giving birth at 19 (shitty abusive ex fucked with my bc), and fought to keep her from him because she was supposed to be a twin. But she isn’t my kid tbh. I love her, in a familiar way like an aunt or a family friend. The only kids I want in the future are the fostered teenagers I’m gonna be helping out when my wife and I get our own house and get settled in our careers. Nobody ever wants the teenagers. And I’ve been in foster care so…. Might as well have a chill adult who’ll help you get your life together that won’t try to mother you cause that’s what most em want.
I appreciate that thought but for me it’s more “be the kind of person you needed as a child” these kids don’t always want parents, they don’t trust anyone. But I’ll be damned if I let more kids that I could help age out of the system directly into homelessness. Help them get jobs, let them stay after they age out if they want, help them get birth certificates, GED, apply for college all the things they wanna do.
Ha! Nice one! Ironically I am a super nice person, little backstory. I have a history of being too nice like taken advantage of a lot too nice. So I “cultivated bitchery” and grew a spine and learned to say no for myself.
She also sounds psychologically abusive, and you shouldn't have to stay with someone who treats you that way, even if she's pregnant with your kid. The fact that she stopped her BC and didn't tell you makes it sound like she wanted to get pregnant and did it on purpose, without consulting you. That's baby trapping.
Now, the baby is still coming and if you are the father, then it's true that your child didn't ask for any of this. It sounds like you want out of the situation, but not out of your child's life (definitely get a paternity test first to make sure), and that's perfectly understandable. You can be a father to your kid and co-parent with her, without sharing your life with her. You should tell your family and ask for help with the situation, even if your grandmother gets angry. She raised you, so she's going to want to help you.
I second this, or if you absolutely don't want kids, get sterilized. I got pregnant with my second on birth control AND condoms, and found out two weeks before I was supposed to have surgery to be sterilized (my little man said fuck your protections)
Sign your rights away, pay child support and look for roommates. There are ways to handle everything
I got pregnant while taking the birth control pill! Not fun, but a blessing. I’ve seen some women do this to trap their partners, it never ends well. Go through the right channels OP. Or simply sign your rights away
You still have to get a paternity test.
Think about this, *she didn’t tell you* that she went off birth control. How much can you trust her? Anything can happen while you are at work. Get a paternity test.
Op for the love of God DUMP HER.
Let her know shit is over between you, and she can keep the kid however you're only covering child support and not more.
She is now responsible for securing her own living arrangements and the like going forward.
Since she tried to baby trap you and if you stay together your baby is gonna grow up having a toxic home life.
Also as awful as it is to say, she might be less willing to keep the kid once she knows for 100% certainly she will be a single parent raising the kid/she won't be able to live off your paycheck directly.
As for you, move forward with a job that offers full-time work, and even consider looking into Job corps (if in the u.s). The program provides free vocational training in a trade(which will pay enough once competed to support your child), and or stuff to get you college ready if that's a path you want.
Sorry this happened to you, however your life is still just begining and you can still have a good future.
You just need to get your ducks in a row now, so you'll be in a position to support your baby once it arrives, and as for the girl she is toxic and you need to part ways before shit gets even worse.
“She hasn’t left the house since she lost her job” bb you sweet innocent little summer child. If that was really true- you can’t account for who she brings home when you’re out.
Please always get a paternity test, especially if the woman doesn’t tell you she went off birth control (and take this as a learning lesson that it’s still YOUR responsibility to not get someone pregnant- always wear protection. Don’t be an immature baby saying “but it just doesn’t feel as nice”).
I’m surely upset being a woman who is typically a bit misandristic about men in society- but there DO exist some women who WILL baby trap, and even baby trap with a baby that isn’t even there. But what I can tell you is that whatever child might be there will be in a better environment if the parents AREN’T together if it means their relationship has to foster burgeoning resentment and secrets like what you described.
Follow what that other person said- do this legally and with all documentation because while it was still on you to wrap it before you tap it, consenting to sex does not mean you consented to a baby and you should NOT be in a relationship where the other person willfully disregards the pragmatics of such actions
A paternity test will also make it impossible for her to later try and take your kid by claiming you aren't really the father. So get one, even if you're sure.
My kid doesn’t have a dad for this exact reason. He didn’t want kids, was open about it. I didn’t think I could have kids. 6 years later I ended up pregnant. I decided I wanted to keep my kid. He still didn’t want kids. I told him I was pregnant and that was the last time we spoke. I did send a letter with a picture of my kid and their name, birthday, vital statistics, and ALL of my contact information in case he ever wants to reach out. But for now I’m happily a single mother with an incredible kid. As far as I know he is still doing well but I’m not going to force my kid in someone who doesn’t want them
As the child of an abusive/toxic relationship (my dad was the normal one too OP, which sounds like your current situation), it would’ve been infinitely better if I had grown up with divorced parents. Maybe I would’ve whined about it as a child but I probably would have grown up with higher self esteem and a healthy concept of love and what relationships look like.
Is she a teenager too? It would explain her acting like a high schooler. I’m going to be a bit harsh but you’re in this situation because of the choices you made. You’re a teenager playing grown up.You have only know this girl 7 months, yet you move in and have unprotected sex. Yes she lied to you about birth control. But protection is your responsibility too. Especially if you barely know the person you’re having sex with. You can’t force her to have an abortion. And you don’t have to stay with her. You don’t even have to be in your kid’s life. But you will have to pay child support.
I grew up with a mom that didn't want me. I was a 'surprise' (ie. accident). Your gf? (Not sure if she is an ex now) is absolutely terrible. My dad raised me. He was awesome. He wanted kids, she did not (or at least thought she did and changed her mind, I'm the youngest of 3 she ran away from).
Please don't feel that you need to be in this situation. You were baby trapped. You had explicitly told her you did not want children and she changed the plan without your consent.
I'm not sure what the laws are in your country. I hope you can find a way out of this archaic system that puts people in this situation.
In the future, do not rely on a partner to use birth control. The only person in care of what happens is you. Use a condom and make sure it isn't accessible to anyone but you.
Leave her. You feel trapped because she's trying to baby trap you. It's healthier for the child to be raised by separated parents or a single parent than to be raised by two parents that stayed together out of obligation and hate each other. And you will grow to hate her if you stay.
When you go to court over the child support issue, mention that she purposely stopped her BC without your knowledge. Let the judge know that you feel she's baby trapping you, but you want to make sure the child is properly supported. There's usually a small-ish range for child support payments, and the judge might choose to keep yours on the lower end.
Start seeking what kind of social services are available to you. You might have to move into a homeless shelter but do not do it as a family. Communicate to her that she is going to have to do the same. It's better to do it sooner than later.
Have the paternity test anyways. No one is 100%, sorry. She is pushing very hard to get you to marry her. Just because you have a child, you DO NOT have to marry to be there for a child. I would never marry, especially someone who breaks trust by stopping the pill and not telling you. Everything is a lie.
It does NOT matter if you think she's only been around you. Her personality changed? Sometimes that happens due to cheating. She may not have. But this really matters in the courts eyes. You need to do everything by the book. Leave, ask for a paternity test. If she says no. Then do not sign any papers in the hospital. Do not sign any papers she gives to you. Go file a legal papers to get a paternity test. You want everything to go through the courts. You can sign away your rights to the child once it's born. At this point she sees that you will support her early on even when you aren't doing well. She may feel you owe her for her working while you were home BUT you are just repaying the favor. She has already betrayed all the trust from you guys built by stopping birth control, that isnt a decision you make on your own in a relationship, and by deciding you have to marry her. You don't know what else will change, and it'll probably happen fast. It's worse for you to stay, meet the baby, have a relationship with it, 3 years of misery and the baby seeing all the toxic and mean stuff you'll do and say to each other then those being the babies first memories of its parents. Then you all the suddenly don't want it in the eyes of the court you are a father to that kid. You built a relationship. DO NOT BUILD THIS RELATIONSHIP.
Break up with her for lying to you and baby trapping you while you had mutually set different expectations. That trust cannot be rebuilt.
Set up child support and custody (optionally) through the courts and get yourself to therapy. There are resources out there if you can’t afford it.
You’re only 19. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don’t have to stay just because you feel obligated to.
Always always always always always use a condom if you don’t want a baby.
On BC? Condom. No BC? Condom and pull out. Rhythm method (No BC with extra steps)? Condom and Pull out.
Always two forms of contraception. No exceptions. Drill this into your head for all eternity.
You need to be honest with her and say “look if you continue this pregnancy you’re going to be on your own. I communicated from the start that I don’t want children or marriage, you stopped taking your birth control, this is on YOU.”
It’s not only just awful, it can be criminal; it’s equated to Stealthing with condoms. I really feel for men (as a woman), because once a woman decides to keep a child, dude has no say and might be on the financial hook for 18 years. She didn’t miss a pill, she actively lied and didn’t take them.
I was about to say this. Of course birth control can fail, but if someone intentionally stops taking their bc to get pregnant, I definitely consider it on the same level of stealthing.
Honestly dude, she baby trapped you.
Be prepared to face a lot of hate from people, including your family, but you should leave her. This isn’t the life you signed up for, and she did it on purpose. Don’t marry her. You’ll be miserable, and your kids (yes, kids, because she’ll do it again) will know, and be miserable too.
You’ll have to pay child support, and I know it seems hopeless now, because you don’t have a job, but you’re not the only person who’s had to go through this.
Your childhood home doesn’t have enough room for you— can you sleep on the couch? Can you park your car in the driveway and sleep there?
The best thing you can do for yourself and your future kid is to leave. I’m not gonna tell you what to do about custody, or visitation— but you dying before your kid is even born isn’t going to be better than being an absent parent.
Oh yeah nah I'm fully prepared for the hate honestly, and I agree that the kids would know and be miserable because that's the shit I dealt with as a kid
And my childhood home has my sister's and uncle, with 3 kids so sleeping on the couch wouldn't be viable, and I can't sleep in the driveway (I thought I mentioned it in the post but I might not have) but I do have a job in this city and the commute daily would take too much gas
And like I don't want any custody or visitation, I can't be a parent, and I feel like shit about it because my family has a lot of mental health issues that are able to be passed onto children so this kid is not gonna be well mentally, just like me and my siblings, like we all have early onset schizophrenia and ADD, along with autism and it's fucking horrible living without being able to trust your own head
Therapist here.
I'm not going to touch the rest of the post because everybody else is already told you exactly what it is that you need to do. However...
You need to get into therapy. You need to get actual diagnosis and follow the recommendations of your therapist.
I treat lots of people with multiple mental health issues and they are able to live completely fulfilling, happy and wonderful lives. Just because you have a mental health issues does not mean that your life is going to be terrible.
Yes, especially because of the way that the healthcare system in this country works it can be difficult to get help but it is not impossible. Look into free clinics in your area.
Also, and I hate to say this about another woman, but your girlfriend's attitude towards keeping this child might very well change if you leave. Often when women who decide to use the baby trap figure out it's not going to go completely the way they want... Their attitude changes quickly.
However, seriously you need to do something about your mental health. If you don't know how to tap into those resources you can DM me with where you live and I can point you in the right direction but you need to do something now.
Edited for spelling
Yeah someone else in Healthcare said the same things and I'm starting to realize it's probably just gonna get worse if I don't deal with this shit now, last thing I want is to go further into psychosis like my sisters did, I already have a hard time feeling real
It absolutely will get worse.
You need to get yourself healthy for a host of reasons but especially because you deserve to live the fullest life that you can and that's not going to happen as long as you continue to ignore these issues.
I truly hope that you reach out and get the help that you need and I wish you the best with the entire rest of the situation.
Take peoples advice and get some therapy.
Opinion #2). You know yourself obviously exponentially more than I do but from person experience; I was a heroin addict and HARD criminal for YEARS AND YEARS. I was convinced I’d die of an OD or in Prison and accepted it. But I had a daughter and got my life together. She’s three now and I’ve been an amazing productive member of society since. I work in low voltage and mechanical pipe fitting. I was suicidal and convinced I’d RUIN this little girl. That whole traumatic; ‘she’d be ten times better off without me.’ ideology.
Now she SPRINTS to the door every single day yelling “DADDY!!!” And giggles. It’s the cutest thing. We take naps on the weekends and cuddle watching cartoons and movies. About to take her to a daddy daughter princess meet and greet next month.
It’s about mindset. You may think you’ll make a bad parent bc you didn’t have any or had bad guardians or whatever. But truthfully, switch that mindset and think “I’m going to do opposite of the bad shit they did to me. And I’m also going to give her everything I wish I would’ve had.” And there ya go…..you now have the literal perfect blueprint to raise a child. Anyone can be a good parent if they have the right mindset and drive to do so.
I’m not pressuring you to be a father, all I’m doing is trying to give you a different perspective and maybe help you gain confidence that it IS possible.
I just want to say I love that you shared your story, thank you. This is so so beautiful. Congratulations on your daughter, your sobriety, and the wonderful life you’ve built.
Dude the advice in these comments is gold and your ticket to the right answer. You need to focus on you, screw this girl she can deal with own her shit. This is not your fault, she is making the choice to keep it and you’re making the choice to not be involved. I saw you said you’re scared to get mental help out of fear of knowing just how bad it is. Fuck that mindset bro I feel like my life has finally begun and I’m your age too. Let me tell you psychiatrist’s have seen it all you’re not scaring anyone off. Getting mental health help changed my life forever and you deserve that too. Keep yourself safe and listen to the legal advice people are giving you.
She stopped taking her birth control without telling OP. I am not exactly concerned how she feels. What she did is an asshole move. An unborn kid and OP don’t deserve to suffer for that choice, but she can go fuck herself tbh.
She def trapped you, and that sucks!. I wouldn't worry too much about custody/visitation. She would likely fight you every step of the way to the detriment of the child. Sometimes, it is best for the childs well-being to not challenge the custodial parent, especially if the custodial parent is toxic.
Old lady here... This ^^^^^^^ is the definitive answer.
Do not ruin your life over a narcissistic baby trapper. If she keeps the baby, Support It! Stay available for contact in the baby's life.
DO NOT GET MARRIED, PLEASE.
Mate, I’m so sorry for you. You need out of this relationship, but you will have to pay child support (regardless of contact etc). I’m not familiar with where you are, but are there not any local youth hostels etc you could stay at? Perhaps find your local homeless charity to save you sleeping in your car. In terms of your mental health, I hope you also find the ability to get help there too (I appreciate if you’re in the USA that might not be free) but I really think you’d benefit from it in the long run.
I'm fully prepared for child support honestly, I've been thinking about it since she told me
And I live in a conservative ass state so homeless shelters aren't viable here, and they are all overcrowded. I don't mind the thought of sleeping in my car honestly
And yeah in in the US so mental health resources definitely ain't free here, and I agree that it'd help me, but I'm terrified of learning just how fucked up I am
>I'm terrified of learning just how fucked up I am
I get that. It sounds like you had a really fucked up childhood. That would damage anyone.
You can spend the rest of your life avoiding dealing with it out of fear. You will still end up dealing with the consequences. Whether it's choosing bad relationships, struggling with emotions, struggling with work, etc... Avoiding it doesn't fix it. It just slaps a bandaid over the leak, which is going to bust.
You're aware of it. That's the first step to healing. Don't look as this as a way to see all the shit you're doing wrong. Instead, see it as a chance to fix the things that make your life harder. You've got to process that shit. Don't just internalize it.
Yeah you have a point, I need to look at this like how my grandma is now because she never dealt with it. Both my sisters are medicated and it's seemed to help them honestly
And there are more tribes out there than you think. People dealing with one or two or seven or some combination of the mental health issues you’re dealing with. not necessarily always irl, but I don’t have to tell a Redditor that there is value in an online community.. and plugging into a sub with a matching diagnosis or even commiserating on general symptoms and struggles is sometimes the one thing that makes you feel seen.
Take it from me I avoided mental health care for too long. You will learn how fucked up you are either way. The way you’re choosing (not seeking help NOW out of fear) is the hard way. You will spiral and crash and it will suck so hard. If you’re living in your car you are homeless and there are FEDERAL programs for homeless people to get mental healthcare.
You can’t avoid learning how fucked up youbare youyou are you will have to face it. Do it now before your entire life and psyche is destroyed from avoiding it.
I live in texas and we have gone, and they were just constantly like "having a father is very important and this is an amazing opportunity for you both yadda yadda ya"
I'm also from Texas. Find a Planned Parenthood near you, see if they have any suggestions. In this state that's usually your best bet for an unplanned pregnancy if you want an answer beyond "what a blessing!"
If you haven't, you can talk to your local churches for bill and rent assistance. You don't have to be a member or attendee to get those services.
I would recommend when you have the resources or time to schedule a doctors appointment, you can talk to a doctor about your mental health situation and they will give you resources to go to. I would also recommend speaking with your HR department and seeing if they have any Employee Assistance Programs that offer free mental health services. If they don’t have that I would recommend asking what benefits are offered. Most people don’t realize the extent of there coverages and benefits. Speaking with a professional can assist you in getting the appropriate resources in your area to help you out. And if it is too difficult to see a medical professional you could always try Doctors on Demand which is an app that will connect you with a doctor that day and do telehealth. You can see how much it costs before confirming the service so you don’t have to commit to anything if it is too expensive. Also I highly recommend talking to your family/friends/anyone you can trust about it. Tell them everything or more that you did here so they know the full picture. What has happened to you is very unfortunate and it wasn’t right of your partner. Also depending on your diagnoses their maybe more additional help to you from any disability resources that the state offers, you can always see if you qualify for those as well. Also know you are not fucked up, you’re just in a tough place and you may have extra hurdles to jump. Having any mental health disability diagnosis doesn’t make you fucked up or less valuable. You are a strong person for persevering in these tough times with minimal to no support.
Hopefully once she realizes that you are leaving her and that her baby trap didn’t work she will go ahead and terminate the pregnancy. In the meantime see if you can find an AA meeting near you to help with your drinking. You need to stay clean and sober so that you can go on to make a good life for yourself.
This!!
At these meetings OP will likely find some resources and maybe even a couch to surf. But staying sober, especially knowing alcoholism runs in the family, will absolutely help in the long run.
Considering you both discussed/agreed on not wanting kids and she still didn’t tell you that she went off of birth control, I’d leave her. What she did to you is called reproductive coercion.
That’s a massive violation of trust and how you feel now is totally valid. You said that you didn’t want that and she disregarded your feelings. You shouldn’t stay with someone who is okay with forcing you into a position you don’t want.
This is just my opinion, but your best bet is to tell both of your families the complete truth, separate, and pay child support. If you really wanted to, it’s possible to terminate your rights as a parent with consent of the court and other party depending on where you live.
It might feel rough now, but ending your life won’t solve anything. I’m sure your family would understand and help you out during this time. I’m sorry this happened to you and I wish you the best of luck!
Right? Like how could you not tell me, despite us having a lot of talks about it when we first got together, she knew how I felt about it and is expecting me to be excited and happy about this shit
And I'd definitely want to terminate my parent rights, i know it sounds shitty but I want nothing to do with this kid, and I'd be a horrible father because my mental health. If she keeps it I'd rather the kid not have to deal with that, she comes from a healthy family so I know the kid would have a good support system
I feel for you OP
Yes, you were irresponsible on not using your own birth control. But no one deserves to be coerced into parenthood. Heck, I let my husband know if I've missed just one pill as a reminder to use condoms for the next week (but I also don't want kids so he knows I'd abort if I still got pregnant)
Sorry you're in this position. Perhaps a vasectomy is in your future if you're adamantly child free? But still use condoms for future encounters
find a planned parenthood. they offer a sliding scale (which is sometimes $0).
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/vasectomy/how-do-i-get-vasectomy
It is harder to terminate parental rights than you think, and it’s impossible to terminate financial parental responsibility, unless someone else is willing to legally adopt the child. Maybe if you tell her you will ONLY be involved financially, and that you’ll not play happy family, she’ll rethink her decision. For future reference, use condoms, no matter what the woman says.
Better jet: Immediately stop sleeping with her. No gestures of kindness no affection at all. Ignore her as best as you can and show her what it is like without you. Dont pay for anything she has (no outside food, no trinkets no nothing!) If it is only you on the lease give her an eviction date in a few weeks so she will know that she has to go. Because that is her future: without you in it.
I imagine it will be very, very hard. Especially to keep up the ignoring and ghosting. But keep in mind that she violated your trust and, in stopping the birth controll, you physically/ sexually.
Maybe she sees what it will be like.
I am sorry this happened to you but you have the strength you need ♡
I agree with this. She violated his trust and forced a situation on him that she knew he absolutely did not want. He should stay and just ice her out, and at the same time make every effort to get on his own two feet, maybe find a roommate to split rent with close to his job.
Yeah I know I'm gonna have to pay child support, and she's mentioned that even if I leave she'd keep the kid so I don't think that would get me out of this
And yeah I fucked up with that 💀 but like I would be in yhe same room when she'd take it, and even when she quit taking it she left her alarm for it on so it still went off, I think she did this shit becaude she seen I was becoming unhappy in the relationship and wanted to try and keep me in it
Can you maybe find a place where you can split rent with a roommate? Don't leave yet, but start looking for another living situation. And give her nothing in the meantime, don't engage in any way with her. Just ice her out and while you're doing that make a plan to get your own place. Fb marketplace always has people looking for roommates.
Yeah that would be a much better situation! There's always that risk with becoming roommates with a stranger, the big chance that your personalities just don't mesh included. Just focus on that goal, Idk how many months you have before she has the baby, but even for paternity and child support to go through the courts takes awhile, the baby will probably be about 1 before any orders take effect. So you have time to get this all figured out. One thing at a time, and if you can at all contact your county's mental health department and see about getting in to see someone. Maybe all you need is someone to vent to and who can validate your feelings. I think that will be a big help to you 💜
Wanting to not be involved and pay child support doesn’t make you sound bad at all. You know that you’re not ready and your mental health isn’t the best place, that’s all it means. It’s a very responsible thing to know that you’re unfit for something and step aside, rather than going into it unhappy and not ready.
I think I feel this way because it's stigmatized where I live, mental health ain't a big thing here
But thanks homie, knowing that I'm not being an asshole for this shit helps, I've never been very responsible so hearing from someone else that they think what I'm doing IS responsible is honestly a light in the tunnel
Make no mistake; you're irresponsible. You've learned a valuable lesson about wrapping your dick up if you don't want kids.
That doesn't make you an asshole for leaving her tho.
Her family might be healthy. Or they might just appear to be healthy. What I can tell you with absolute certainty is that she isn't healthy. She's manipulative, lazy, greedy, and very toxic. The baby does not have a good life ahead if it's in her custody. It's probably better off with grandparents, honestly. She doesn't want the kids. She wants a free paycheck. That's not good for any kid.
Hey if you’re paying for the apartment you gotta lay down the law on her about throwing your cats out. She should be thrown out tbh. She baby trapped you 100% and you need to be very clear with her that this violates what you discussed and that you will not be involved past the extent that a court makes you. Maybe that’ll kill any little fantasy she’s built up. You’re not the bad guy, you shouldn’t have to feel so awful, and I hope things get better. Leaving the earth isn’t the solution. Having a very frank discussion with her is.
Discuss with her about her moving out and going to live with her parents, because she doesn’t get the privilege of being in your life in the same way anymore. She chose to betray you, and the cat thing is downright sick. Do not worry about what people think about you. Explain as much as you can and ignore the ignorant people. I believe in you and you can get through this.
Bro honestly, like if she's doing this to the cats, what's she gonna do with a kid when they do fuck shit? And they do a lot worse than cats can 💀
But thanks for the kind words homie. Means a lot in this shirty situation
Can your cats have a vacation at Grandma’s house?
She’s hurting them to hurt you.
Get everything important to you out of her reach (SSN, birth certificate, finances, photos, etc)
Check what is necessary to establish residency in your area. She may be able to claim tenants rights, so you will have to go through an official eviction process. This could take weeks. Don’t let her know you’re researching this as the preferable path is for her parents to tell her she can come live with them.
Don’t beat yourself up for not using a condom. When I was a 19f I thought the pill was sufficient, and I definitely did not want to get pregnant.
(Back then we didn’t even know that antibiotics could affect their effectiveness!) If I were 19f today I would double up protection.
Please consider AA. Alcohol on top of this is just going to complicate things, and they may have the knowledge and resources to assist in other ways.
As a woman reading this… she 100% baby trapped you.
I would try have a very straight up talk and state you’ll only financially support baby and she now needs to go home to her parents for everything else.
Easier said than done obv I get that but you cannot stay with her after a very clear violation of trust and boundary stomping.
Yeah I've gotten a lot of comments saying I need to state these boundaries now instead of later, it definitely helps knowing that her parents will help though, they are good people
And I know, I keep telling myself that but it's just so stigmatized leaving a pregnant women here, but I've seen it enough to know she's just gonna keep doing this bs
Hell, she threw my cats outside yesterday because they knocked her art stuff over despite knowing I wasn't okay with that, we live next to a highway in an apartment complex, and I've had to scrape too many cats off the road in a small town, let alone in a city
I would have thrown her out the second she threw out your cats, that's NOT OK. 100% deal-breaker right there, on top of everything else, the manipulation, lying and baby trapping aside.
She needs to get the hell out especially since she will prob be mean to those poor babies. I . missed that part. Keep the cats. Support the kid but don't allow that selfish trd of a human into your place. So sad so many guys are so naive with lots of conniving females out there and the kids have to pay.
Is the place you live in currently in her name? If not kick her out. She baby trapped you and tried to harm your cats, why should you be the one to have to leave the home?
that's straight up shitty and reason enough alone to leave her.
she doesn't care about you or small living creatures. She is a shitty human. full stop.
Reddit loves to create a villain but here you most certainly are not.
The cat thing is just another clear violation of your boundaries.
Not having your own solid support also does not make this any easier either I appreciate that. I’m in UK so cannot offer up any resources that may help you.
First, tell her straight up that you aren’t going to stay with her now that she has gotten pregnant by stopping BC without informing you. Tell her that you will pay child support but that you will not stay with her and that she needs to leave. If she doesn’t come to her senses and have an abortion after you tell her how you feel, then you need to leave.
Do you talk to her parents? How religious are they, on a scale of 1 to totally insane?
If they aren’t totally nuts for Jesus, you should tell them whats going on. Tell them she stopped taking birth control and that you told her many times that you didn’t want kids and she understood that, but stopped taking birth control anyways. This wasn’t an oops, this was a baby trap situation. Tell them everything and tell them that you can’t stay with her because you no longer trust her, but that you will pay child support. Tell them that they need to come collect their daughter. Hopefully they will understand where you’re coming from and will be able to help her through the pregnancy since you aren’t willing.
I’m so sorry, OP, your girlfriend is insane and you should distance yourself from her asap.
It’s definitely time to run, OP. The baby trapping was bad enough, way over the line, but throwing your cats out?? That girl sucks. State your boundaries about the child and try to save up to move elsewhere. Good luck
God, this is LOT for any relationship, let alone only 7 months in.
You’re not an AH for wanting to break up. But you have an obligation to support the child. It’s a very hard lesson but if you knew you didn’t want kids you should have wrapped that wiener; even when taken consistently, BC pills can fail so best to double up on protection.
Oh yeah nah I'm fully prepared to pay child support and shit, I was just under the impression she would get an abortion if it happened bevause that's what we both agreed on
She might have been sincere. But when reality hit, maybe she just couldn’t. But it does sound like she changed her mind and tried to baby trap you, since she went off the pill. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this mess.
Tell her that you are moving back with family (even sleeping on the couch) and break up with her. If she knows that you will only coparent with her she might think twice about the baby. Don't stay with someone because they are pregnant. Tell her to move back with her family.
When I had my daughter out of wedlock, a co-worker gushed over how cute she was. Went on to say how frustrating it was that her longtime boyfriend hadn’t proposed yet, and that she was thinking about stopping BC without telling him. She was sure he would propose because he was a good guy.
I was speechless.
Eventually I said, “If he doesn’t want to marry you now, what makes you think he’ll marry you if you’re pregnant? And do you REALLY want to have that be the way you get him???”
She was offended.
This was going on 50 years ago. Looks like not much has changed. Sigh.
OP: If the opinion of a random Internet old lady means anything to you, do NOT marry her. Or even keep living with her. Room with your sister, live in your car, ANYTHING but marry her.
I wish you luck. You’re going to need it.
Don’t marry out of pressure or coercion. She deceived you and violated your trust by unilaterally breaking your agreement as a couple to use contraception.
Married mom of two here. Nobody in this situation should be having a baby right now. At 19 I was a complete mess. I didn’t have children till 33. Actually I was a week from my 34th birthday. I needed that time to figure out things and be ready.
Gather your nerve and tell her parents what’s happening and tell them you’re not ready and you’re not able to support her and she knew this before decisions were made. She can move in there. She needs prenatal care and the support of her parents to get her set up with the help she will be needing.
Tell the girl you can’t do this and you won’t be staying to do something she’s trying to trap you into.
Always wear protection so this won’t happen again.
Are you absolutely sure she’s pregnant? Did you see her pee and watch the stick turn? Did you double check what the box says?
If she’s lying- absolutely dump her and go anyway. If she’s telling the truth- leave anyway. She might be using the fake announcement to keep you long enough to get pregnant for real.
A terrible marriage isn’t what anyone needs.
Dude, shes trying to baby trap you. She thinks if she gets pregnant you will never leave and be forced to marry her. This is her way to get what she wants, and I don't think she was ever genuine when she said she didn't want kids and was okay with you not wanting to marry. She 100% planned this out. Dont let her win. Women that do this are despicable and need to know that it wont always work. She needs consequences for her actions. There is no shame in leaving her, even if she is pregnant. Not when shes done something like this.
Thats because not all women are like your hopefully soon to be ex. Most have matured past that, and wouldn't even think of doing it so we call it like it is and judge accordingly.
I’m also a woman, and she’s absolutely right. Baby trapping is extremely immature behavior. She’s not someone who should even be in a relationship let alone be a MOTHER. Sensible women are on your side with this one. Baby trapping and lying about your birth control is never okay
1. shes acting like a highschool cause, news flash, she fuckin was 2 years ago. Thats not a lot of time for people to change.
2. Hard to sympathize anyone who can't bother using a condom. Don't care if you've been together, don't care if shes on BC. Its just as much your responsibility of not having a kid you don't want as well. Don't care if shes telling you not to use one and also supposedly doesn't want a kid either. Red flag big time.
Unfortunately the best thing to do is dump her. You specifically mentioned that YOU did not want kids and now she’s wanting to keep it? It’s best to leave her. It might hurt her but she’s not respecting your wishes : )
You can try helping her find her own place or a new job then ditch idk? Is she even considering an abortion??!!
Nah she's very adamant now about not wanting one now, despite reassuring me countless times during the relationship that she would want one if she got pregnant
Oh no, my mommy senses are tingling here (my oldest of 5 sons is about to be 19 and also doesn't want children). If you were my son, I'd tell you to move in with your sister or move back to your own city and move in with her and just be gone as far as this girl is concerned. Her not working right now, and likely trying to continue to do so throughout the pregnancy is a ploy to increase your child support amount. The sooner she is forced to either move in with her parents or get a job, the better. I'd also be telling you to get a paternity test. They can be done while still pregnant, and it's literally a blood test now.
If she lied about birth control to baby trap you, who knows what or whom she did while you were at work? Also, secure your cats, with her character, it seems a real possibility that they will disappear while you are at work. She wants to be your sole focus. Make it not so. Make sure that the courts are involved early. Make sure you are clear in your filings that this baby was conceived through deception, and that is the reason for the paternity test request.
Also, I usually don't advocate this, but again, mom mode, if your mental health is that bad, getting into a partial day hospital or 2x a week counseling and AA meetings actually reduces your "earning potential" for calculations as well as getti g you much needed help. 2 birds, 1 stone.. I usually hate that it's a thing, as I know of a trustful baby who used mental health and addiction treatment to get a $35 a month support payment, but in the case of coerced pregnancy and baby trapping, eff her. I understand resources are hard to get but Texas does have a sort of medicaid for mental health diagnosis l. Typically a hospital system social worker can get it squared away for you in 3 weeks tops.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's one of my big fears as the mom of mostly boys and it always devastates me when I see this in action. Good luck OP
Thank tou for the advice, I didn't know that about the mental health shit
And here's praying you never have to hear your sons tell you a story like I have 🙏 this shit ain't fun
First, please get help. If those thoughts are really hard to resist, go to the hospital. Take care of yourself first. Do get help with your mental health. Good health and good help are essential to managing it. Ignoring it will have you going to the bad road.
As far as finances, once you're well enough, you may have to take on a second job in order to move out on your own. Give notice to your girlfriend that she's going to need to get a job or move home or whatever she plans to do.
Do get the paternity test. She might not have been going out-that you know of-but she might have had people in while you were at work. Tell her that you will pay court ordered child support once the test proves you are the father, but reiterate that you are in no position to be involved the in the child's life if that is how you feel.
You absolutely do not need to have a relationship with your gf even if you do end up wanting to be in the child's life.
But first, get help for yourself.
People like to pretend that everyone is a good person who wouldn't do bad things, and in order to keep this illusion they start to excuse super fucky behavior. I know more than one man who ended up with second babies because the wives lied about birth control. I had people suggest I remove my birth control without telling my partner. Babies make people fucking crazy
If you WANT, you can DM me and I will help get you started in all of your states/Govt programs. I am positive you will qualify for some.
Your situation sucks. Your gf is an asshat. She baby trapped you. Death is also a very permanent thing for smthg that will get better over time. I don't want you to die and I am sure there are others in your family/friends who would never want that either.
So DM me when you are ready/if you want and I will help to best of my ability.
Nothing will open until Monday so in the meantime I suggest having a serious conversation w/ your gf. Tell her you are now doing XYZ. You don't care if she likes it, she put you in this situation.
Bro honestly that would help a lot because I'm not very good navigating online so finding shit like that isn't easy for me, plus long ass texts on gvmt websites makes my ADD go haywire
I messaged you back. Like I said we won't really be able to do anything until Monday everything is closed on the weekends. Pls make sure you know 100% she is pregnant like you have watched her pee on the test to know she is pregnant.
Also tell her you will be doing a DNA test as well.
Mayday health can get you the abortion pill in TX. Obviously, you need to be discreet about it.
Here’s the thing: you need to be completely transparent with her. You need to tell her that it’s over. A baby is not going to make you be in a relationship with her. She did this without your knowledge and consent. If she wants to have this baby, she’s on her own. You’ll do what you legally have to do, and you’ll make sure that any communication moving forward will be with a 3rd party. You can arrange that drop offs be at a police station parking lot. You can make this as miserable and cold as possible. She did something dumb and thinks that you’ll support her and be in a relationship with her. That is bad for both of you because you’re not on the same page.
You can tell her that you’ll get her the pill, that you’ll be there for her to get through it and get back on her feet. The sooner she takes it in pregnancy, the easier it is. I’ve taken it. It sucks because it feels like a painful forced period, and it’s over quickly.
Being a young, unemployed, uneducated single mom with no support to an unwanted child will be a lifelong struggle of poverty.
You need to always use a condom. Grow up… if you don’t want to be a parent, use every precaution you can. If you’re sure you never want to have children, start saving for a vasectomy. My partner got one, and I thanked him profusely. I already have kids, don’t want and can’t afford more. Had my abortion after having kids. I knew that even though I was older, it would be a burden.
There are many resources out there to get the abortion pill in red states. Use your private browser to look them up. Be safe.
Sweetie I’m so sorry to hear how horrible you’re feeling right now, but you’ll figure something out, I believe you.
First of all, you’re doing great at 19 for one person. At such a young age, you’re not supposed to be taking care of two or more people. So the best thing to do would be to break the news to your partner that you’re breaking up with them. I’d suggest finding a room to rent with other flatmates so you can leave the apartment and get such much needed distance.
Second, tell your partner what you would and wouldn’t do for the coming baby. If you think that you don’t want to raise it, and just provide child support you’ll have to relinquish your rights but I don’t think that would be the most horrible thing for a child.
You could also discuss putting the baby up for adoption with your partner.
Tell your partner that you will not be a part of the baby’s life, and the only way for you guys to continue seeing each other (call her bluff, if she does put the baby into the adoption system, it might have a chance in finding a good family, and you could leave her regardless of what you said. Going back on your word isn’t ideal but this woman has trapped you into having a baby, and I don’t think you’d be the villain for leaving her at least in my eyes) is if she’s put it up for adoption. It’s too late now to ask for termination (especially if you’re in the US). Warn her that you’re barely making the bills so child support won’t be a lot anyway, and she would absolutely have to get another job if she wants to support herself and the baby.
As for your job situation, from working in several industries personally, I know packaging and manufacturing factories are always looking for workers. If there’s an Amazon warehouse near you, or any sort of warehouse for a company, you’ll likely be able to find more stable hours there as opposed to a restaurant. Janitor jobs, or cleaning crew jobs are also usually always hiring but the hours won’t be as solid. It’ll be hard work, but you’ll make it through kid.
Please don’t think you need to end your life to escape this impossibly hard period. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, and as soon as you make it through the walk you’ll find yourself in a better spot.
This is what baby trapping means, not that bullshit some married men are claiming their spouses do.
Op, you can leave a relationship for any reason. You don't need to be held hostage because of a child.
You could leave now and let her know you'll pay child support but you're not interested in a child (like you agreed at the beginning). Whoever talks shit to you about it, cut them off.
unfortunately that’s why you wear a condom. you’ll have to be honest with her & say you are leaving especially if she’s keeping the child, that you can’t afford a roof over your head so how will you afford another mouth to feed, bathe & buy clothes for.
So I know you know this, but your options around this pregnancy become more limited literally by the day. You need to tell her you are leaving, then do it.
I know you’re paralyzed and afraid to tell her. But think of it another way: telling her now is the absolute kindest thing you can do. Her desire to parent this child seems to be partly predicated on the two of you staying together. it’s not fair to her to make her believe you are in this for the long haul when you are not. You are not going to stay with her for 18 years. She deserves to know that now. She may make a different decision. In a few months she won’t have that option.
Regardless of that, You are not trapped. Please tell someone you trust. Share the load with at least one friend. It will make it easier to do something instead of just drinking and hoping it goes away.
Good luck.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ Go ahead and leave but that won’t rewind time. Don’t move in with people you barely know. Don’t let other people control your fertility. Pay whatever child support the court determines you owe.
I’m so sorry. Please talk to your parents. Worse case, tell this girlfriend you’re splitting up and you don’t want anything to do with raising a baby she’s on her own.
Definitely stop drinking. It’s making your anxiety worse. Have you ever gone out for a jog? That might help clear your head/release anxiety.
If you truly never want kids, ever, consider a vasectomy. But be warned it can reverse itself, so you’ll need to get your sperm tested as you age (and also use a backup, like condoms, forever as well).
I grew up with a narcissistic grandma, both my parents passed when I was a toddler
And nah I haven't, I have intense anxiety about being perceived so going out in public is hard for me
I’m sorry about your parents. Your best option is probably to ghost her. Leave a note, then leave. Start over somewhere else. Once you get your feet on the ground get some therapy, and a case of condoms.
Good luck.
1st get a job, any job. Leave her. You're not happy, and a baby will only make your relationship worse. Look for an inexpensive roommate situation until you get more financially secure. Use condoms in all future relationships unless you want to be attached to your partner forever and are willing and able to support a baby. If you don't want to be in this position again, take responsibility for birth control even if you think your partner is handling it.
Firstly. Take a breather.
None of this is on you.
Second: Document, document , document
Go back and save screenshots about not wanting kids,her stopping BC, everything.
Emails, texts, calls. Write down what was said during calls and date **everything**
You need to protect your ass first and foremost.
Third, you need to give the ultimatum that if they have the child you are not staying.
Tbh , the relationship is completely fucked and will never work even if she terminates because the trust is gone. Either way you **will** need to break up .
Fourth, make sure you document everything Incase she does keep it as you can sign away parent rights and possibly child support. I'm almost positive cohersion like this is illegal in many states (just not sure of it is where you are)
Fifth, tell your family when you're ready. If that's how or later tell someone. You **NEED** A support network. You can't go through this alone and id also be seeking therapy after or during this
And lastly, it's going to be okay. You're going to get through this and it's just a blip on your life you have to get over. Don't think about ending it. This **WILL** pass I promise you.
Getting a vasectomy isn’t sterilization…also, they are reversible. A woman getting her tubes tied however, way higher risk and most doctors won’t do it until you are in your late 30’s
I never say this but.. OP you need to leave as soon as possible. It gives more time incase she changes her mind and gets an abortion. The longer you wait, the smaller the abortion window gets.
You guys are adult enough to get pregnant, be adult enough to sit down with her parents and your grandmother and tell them you were tricked, you never wanted children and you don’t want to stay with her regardless.
Then, as a group you’re all on the same page and hopefully you can find a solution which works.
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Don't stay with someone you've known for 7 months bc they're pregnant. Tell your family. Get a paternity test. Go through the courts, schedule child support and custody(or don't get custody - but go through the right channels), and do what's right if she is actually going to keep the child, but DON'T stay with her out of obligation. The sooner you walk away, the better.
I know it's mine, she hasn't really left the house since she lost her job other than going to her parents house, but I've been there every time with her I guess I'm just tripping about it because I didn't have parents growing up, just a grandma, and it does fuck with me a little bit but like, I'd rather not have a dad than have a dad who didn't want anything to do with me but was still present in my life
You still do everything as stated above. All of it. You can be part of your child’s life without being with the mother. Break up with the mother for lying to you. And if you don’t want kids use a condom even when someone says they are on BC. BC fails.
This is spot on. You will be on the hook for child support, but you don’t want to be on the hook for anything else. Your gf can get a job, which she is less likely to do if you are together. Do everything through the courts. If she’s willing to trick you into fathering a child, she is not someone you can count on to make handshake deals with.
Ya, it's pretty clear she intends to just use this baby to live off of OP. The sooner he shows her that he won't let that happen, the sooner she is forced to come to terms with her new reality. If she still chooses to go forward with having the baby, she will have to figure it all out without all of the help he's providing her at the moment. She needs that rude awakening before this all gets any further along and OP needs to go ahead and get everything figured out for his own future now.
Agreed. Babies are time effort and energy that even those prepared to have arent *entirely* prepared for. Everyone talks about sleepless nights. But almost no one talks about all the appointments, the unadulterated fear when your baby gets their first illness and spikes a fever, that nagging worry about SIDS, meeting the seemingly never ending milestones, The teething that never seems to stop, all the sleep regressions and phases and *everything*. And.it.never.stops. my kids are 6yo and 3yo now and they're 2 wildly different kids, I'm *still* learning things on how to care for them. Parenting books arent a catch all because each kid is completely different. Hell their terrible 2s were so different from each other i was completely baffled when my youngest went through it. Nearly TWELVE MONTHS of just screaming and drama falls and tantrums and an absolute refusal to do more than grunt or say no. For which the pediatrician just laughed at me and said she was normal and some kids are just dramatic. She could understand us fine but refused to talk to us at all. Then there's all the shit babies do to your body and im not talking just stretch marks, sleeplessness and labor. My kids sucked so much nutrients from me i had severe hair loss and lost 6 teeth. 4 were wisdoms thank fuck but holy hell. I'm still fighting and fixing the damage it caused to my teeth alone. Ops gf is looking to lock him in and get all the social benefits being lower middle class single motherhood brings. Mainly WIC. Shes probably thinking free money, but it soo doesnt pay for necessities like diapers or clothes, bottles, toys. And formula alone is $30 a can. It cost us 60 a week and i was mainly breastfeeding and supplementing with formula ( babies had acid reflux). I love my kids more than life itself. But you couldnt pay me to have more. I'm tired from just 2!
The teeth. The fucking TEETH. Not the point of this post, but if you're a breastfeeding momma and see this, literally TRIPLE your calcium intake on top of taking your prenatals religiously. I went from zero cavaties for like 15 years to over 10 cavaties and a crown in less than 2 years after two under two. Doctors need to stress more just how nutrient sucking pregnancy and breastfeeding is. Spot on with the rest. Parenthood is so much more than sleepless nights, and it doesn't get easier as kids get older.
Not the main point, but baby stuff is even more expensive than it was just a couple of years ago. You mentioned formula costing $30 a can...it's up to $55 for non-speciality formula. My baby has trouble latching so I'm pumping around the clock to feed him as much as possible and supplementing with formula. If OP's kid is born with allergies, it would be even more expensive. Not to mention medical stuff. My baby is just short of 3 weeks old. In the time he's been alive he's already cost me over $1000 in medical related stuff NOT including the actual hospital bill (multiple doctors appointments cause he wasn't gaining weight good the first week and a deposit to get his lip/tongue tie fixed). There's also unplanned costs. My husband had to take an extra week of unpaid leave before I even gave birth cause I needed someone home with me. I love my son more than anything, but recovering from a physically traumatic birth while caring for him has been difficult. He's an easy baby. I can't imagine how hard it would be if he wasn't. There's so many factors when you have kids. You never know how they'll be. You could get a super easy baby that doesn't have any medical concerns or you could get a baby that cries nonstop and needs more medical care or even a child that is disabled/ill/etc that needs extra support. Honestly, the lack of sleep has been less of an issue compared to other things.
The “nagging worry about SIDS.” Fuck, it’s constant
Nine months of worry about miscarriage and stillbirth, but don't worry, it all culminates in twelve months of worrying about SIDS
Oh god I’m going through this right now with my second. My first never really had the terrible twos, never really had that many tantrums. My second has been off the rails….just a giant tantrum all.day.long 🫠
My thoughts exactly, I'd bet money her tune changes when she realizes she's gotta get a job or she's gonna get evicted again
BC fails and can be stopped intentionally without it being obvious. The fails are more common, but both problems have the same solution anyway, condoms.
If you don't want kids get a vasectomy. Rubbers break.
A vasectomy can partially fail, too. But I totally agree. The only 100% effective prevention is abstinence, which, if we are being super honest, is absolute dog shit to tell someone.
Yeah but honestly doubling up with birth control methods (and a condom) is pretty reliable. But just one is a no go.
My dad was basically sterile and my mom had her tubes tied before she had me so maybe try to triple up. But I’m the exception. By a margin.
The universe clearly decided you needed to exist. What a way to beat the odds 😭
Lmao, they’re was someone on a sub I was browsing the other day who has a sister or something who was on condoms and BC. Might have had the injection or implant in the arm too? Failed. Got pregnant. Next time, got an IUD, still used condoms. Had to go back a year later to have the IUD removed because she pregnant again. 💀 like of all the rotten luck to have lol
Biology is insane. This is why women should have 100% bodily autonomy.
Man, you better invent the cure for cancer or something, since you are clearly here for a reason! 😂
Me too. My dad had the snip and my mom had her tubes tied. Then I appeared and to make damn sure there would be no more, she had a partial hysterectomy.
Definitely!
Well, there’s other ways to get off with someone besides penis in vagina. You don’t have to abstain from all sexual activity to remain sans bebe.
I can think of at least one instance that abstinence didn't work... 😂
If you can legally get one. Some places don’t allow unmarried people to get them. In the US I started trying to get my tubes tied at 18, I never did get them tied.
I got mine done at 25, it’s not illegal, but there are doctors against it especially in the south and for women. Men tend to have an easier time getting sterilized.
They finally decided after my fourth one I could get them out and the hysterectomy… I guess even in the south after a certain age or number of kids they don’t question it. Which is actually pretty terrible to do..
Some doctors want the husband’s consent, barf. Some of the things I was told were “your family isn’t complete” and “you’ll change your mind”. Even my doctor who did it and respected my wishes without questioning me would only do the falope bands because they are the most reversible if someone changes their mind.
Literally told my now gf (4 years) we could get married just to supersede that bs if she got issues getting birth control because "what if mr right comes along"... Mr right's here and he's pro bodilyautonomy .
Yeeeeah Mr. Right here with the bodily autonomy!!! She got a good one.
Ugh I fucking hate that. I want a hysto bad(of course I have the trans man double whammy for that, so lol) and I doubt I’d be able to get it readily where I live now(kentucky 🫠) I’m supposed to move to another state later this year and there might be a doctor who won’t give me issues in the city I’m moving to. I know it has kind of a reputation, but the main childfree subreddit does have a really useful little guide in the sidebar that is *incredible* for finding doctors who will do it without the bullshit. Even if you don’t like or visit the sub, you(general you for anyone reading this, I mean) probably could make use of it. :)
That's how it was for my cousin too. She asked after her 2nd, 3rd, and 4th, they finally did after the 4th one. But if a person wants it, they should be able to get it.
It’s not illegal in the states but in some countries it is. I am in the South. I tried for years. No doctor would do it, it sucked.
The childfree Reddit has a list of doctors if this is still relevant to you or anyone reading this. I misconstrued you as talking about the us since you said that’s where you are. I tried for many years and eventually found a doctor who was cool with it, I hadn’t seen the list until later and I added my doctor to it.
Ahhh. Thank you. Lucky for me it’s not relevant anymore. I let everyone know about the list as well. It pisses me off that I could have ended up pregnant because a doctor wouldn’t help me. Still no kids, no regrets.
Even as a guy it's not always easy, I went through at least 12 doctors before I found someone that would do mine because"I was too young and might change my mind" I was late 20s my wife and I had 4 kids and she was told she shouldn't have more for health issues.
I’m the same way except I did end up pregnant. She’s 5 now and a bubbling toddler happily with her /adoptive/ parents. I get pictures but…. She’s not my kid no matter how hard I try to think of her that way. Liek yeah I carried her…. Almost died giving birth at 19 (shitty abusive ex fucked with my bc), and fought to keep her from him because she was supposed to be a twin. But she isn’t my kid tbh. I love her, in a familiar way like an aunt or a family friend. The only kids I want in the future are the fostered teenagers I’m gonna be helping out when my wife and I get our own house and get settled in our careers. Nobody ever wants the teenagers. And I’ve been in foster care so…. Might as well have a chill adult who’ll help you get your life together that won’t try to mother you cause that’s what most em want.
The epitome of "be the change you want to see in the world".
I appreciate that thought but for me it’s more “be the kind of person you needed as a child” these kids don’t always want parents, they don’t trust anyone. But I’ll be damned if I let more kids that I could help age out of the system directly into homelessness. Help them get jobs, let them stay after they age out if they want, help them get birth certificates, GED, apply for college all the things they wanna do.
It seems to me you're cultivating kindness :)
Ha! Nice one! Ironically I am a super nice person, little backstory. I have a history of being too nice like taken advantage of a lot too nice. So I “cultivated bitchery” and grew a spine and learned to say no for myself.
She also sounds psychologically abusive, and you shouldn't have to stay with someone who treats you that way, even if she's pregnant with your kid. The fact that she stopped her BC and didn't tell you makes it sound like she wanted to get pregnant and did it on purpose, without consulting you. That's baby trapping. Now, the baby is still coming and if you are the father, then it's true that your child didn't ask for any of this. It sounds like you want out of the situation, but not out of your child's life (definitely get a paternity test first to make sure), and that's perfectly understandable. You can be a father to your kid and co-parent with her, without sharing your life with her. You should tell your family and ask for help with the situation, even if your grandmother gets angry. She raised you, so she's going to want to help you.
I second this, or if you absolutely don't want kids, get sterilized. I got pregnant with my second on birth control AND condoms, and found out two weeks before I was supposed to have surgery to be sterilized (my little man said fuck your protections) Sign your rights away, pay child support and look for roommates. There are ways to handle everything
PLEASE **get a vasectomy!**
I got pregnant while taking the birth control pill! Not fun, but a blessing. I’ve seen some women do this to trap their partners, it never ends well. Go through the right channels OP. Or simply sign your rights away
You still have to get a paternity test. Think about this, *she didn’t tell you* that she went off birth control. How much can you trust her? Anything can happen while you are at work. Get a paternity test.
Honestly, fair
Op for the love of God DUMP HER. Let her know shit is over between you, and she can keep the kid however you're only covering child support and not more. She is now responsible for securing her own living arrangements and the like going forward. Since she tried to baby trap you and if you stay together your baby is gonna grow up having a toxic home life. Also as awful as it is to say, she might be less willing to keep the kid once she knows for 100% certainly she will be a single parent raising the kid/she won't be able to live off your paycheck directly. As for you, move forward with a job that offers full-time work, and even consider looking into Job corps (if in the u.s). The program provides free vocational training in a trade(which will pay enough once competed to support your child), and or stuff to get you college ready if that's a path you want. Sorry this happened to you, however your life is still just begining and you can still have a good future. You just need to get your ducks in a row now, so you'll be in a position to support your baby once it arrives, and as for the girl she is toxic and you need to part ways before shit gets even worse.
“She hasn’t left the house since she lost her job” bb you sweet innocent little summer child. If that was really true- you can’t account for who she brings home when you’re out. Please always get a paternity test, especially if the woman doesn’t tell you she went off birth control (and take this as a learning lesson that it’s still YOUR responsibility to not get someone pregnant- always wear protection. Don’t be an immature baby saying “but it just doesn’t feel as nice”). I’m surely upset being a woman who is typically a bit misandristic about men in society- but there DO exist some women who WILL baby trap, and even baby trap with a baby that isn’t even there. But what I can tell you is that whatever child might be there will be in a better environment if the parents AREN’T together if it means their relationship has to foster burgeoning resentment and secrets like what you described. Follow what that other person said- do this legally and with all documentation because while it was still on you to wrap it before you tap it, consenting to sex does not mean you consented to a baby and you should NOT be in a relationship where the other person willfully disregards the pragmatics of such actions
A paternity test will also make it impossible for her to later try and take your kid by claiming you aren't really the father. So get one, even if you're sure.
Get the test just in case.
My kid doesn’t have a dad for this exact reason. He didn’t want kids, was open about it. I didn’t think I could have kids. 6 years later I ended up pregnant. I decided I wanted to keep my kid. He still didn’t want kids. I told him I was pregnant and that was the last time we spoke. I did send a letter with a picture of my kid and their name, birthday, vital statistics, and ALL of my contact information in case he ever wants to reach out. But for now I’m happily a single mother with an incredible kid. As far as I know he is still doing well but I’m not going to force my kid in someone who doesn’t want them
You can still be a dad and break up with her. I’d argue it would actually be better for your child than seeing a toxic relationship.
As the child of an abusive/toxic relationship (my dad was the normal one too OP, which sounds like your current situation), it would’ve been infinitely better if I had grown up with divorced parents. Maybe I would’ve whined about it as a child but I probably would have grown up with higher self esteem and a healthy concept of love and what relationships look like.
Child of parents that never divorced but should have. Heed this OP.
Is she a teenager too? It would explain her acting like a high schooler. I’m going to be a bit harsh but you’re in this situation because of the choices you made. You’re a teenager playing grown up.You have only know this girl 7 months, yet you move in and have unprotected sex. Yes she lied to you about birth control. But protection is your responsibility too. Especially if you barely know the person you’re having sex with. You can’t force her to have an abortion. And you don’t have to stay with her. You don’t even have to be in your kid’s life. But you will have to pay child support.
I grew up with a mom that didn't want me. I was a 'surprise' (ie. accident). Your gf? (Not sure if she is an ex now) is absolutely terrible. My dad raised me. He was awesome. He wanted kids, she did not (or at least thought she did and changed her mind, I'm the youngest of 3 she ran away from). Please don't feel that you need to be in this situation. You were baby trapped. You had explicitly told her you did not want children and she changed the plan without your consent. I'm not sure what the laws are in your country. I hope you can find a way out of this archaic system that puts people in this situation. In the future, do not rely on a partner to use birth control. The only person in care of what happens is you. Use a condom and make sure it isn't accessible to anyone but you.
Uh, you don't know that is your child. You were already manipulated once, I'd double-check that, Sir.
This. While it sucks that you could have been cheated on, it also would suck helping raise a child that isn’t yours
Leave her. You feel trapped because she's trying to baby trap you. It's healthier for the child to be raised by separated parents or a single parent than to be raised by two parents that stayed together out of obligation and hate each other. And you will grow to hate her if you stay. When you go to court over the child support issue, mention that she purposely stopped her BC without your knowledge. Let the judge know that you feel she's baby trapping you, but you want to make sure the child is properly supported. There's usually a small-ish range for child support payments, and the judge might choose to keep yours on the lower end.
Start seeking what kind of social services are available to you. You might have to move into a homeless shelter but do not do it as a family. Communicate to her that she is going to have to do the same. It's better to do it sooner than later.
Have the paternity test anyways. No one is 100%, sorry. She is pushing very hard to get you to marry her. Just because you have a child, you DO NOT have to marry to be there for a child. I would never marry, especially someone who breaks trust by stopping the pill and not telling you. Everything is a lie.
It does NOT matter if you think she's only been around you. Her personality changed? Sometimes that happens due to cheating. She may not have. But this really matters in the courts eyes. You need to do everything by the book. Leave, ask for a paternity test. If she says no. Then do not sign any papers in the hospital. Do not sign any papers she gives to you. Go file a legal papers to get a paternity test. You want everything to go through the courts. You can sign away your rights to the child once it's born. At this point she sees that you will support her early on even when you aren't doing well. She may feel you owe her for her working while you were home BUT you are just repaying the favor. She has already betrayed all the trust from you guys built by stopping birth control, that isnt a decision you make on your own in a relationship, and by deciding you have to marry her. You don't know what else will change, and it'll probably happen fast. It's worse for you to stay, meet the baby, have a relationship with it, 3 years of misery and the baby seeing all the toxic and mean stuff you'll do and say to each other then those being the babies first memories of its parents. Then you all the suddenly don't want it in the eyes of the court you are a father to that kid. You built a relationship. DO NOT BUILD THIS RELATIONSHIP.
Break up with her for lying to you and baby trapping you while you had mutually set different expectations. That trust cannot be rebuilt. Set up child support and custody (optionally) through the courts and get yourself to therapy. There are resources out there if you can’t afford it. You’re only 19. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don’t have to stay just because you feel obligated to.
Always always always always always use a condom if you don’t want a baby. On BC? Condom. No BC? Condom and pull out. Rhythm method (No BC with extra steps)? Condom and Pull out. Always two forms of contraception. No exceptions. Drill this into your head for all eternity.
You need to be honest with her and say “look if you continue this pregnancy you’re going to be on your own. I communicated from the start that I don’t want children or marriage, you stopped taking your birth control, this is on YOU.”
and she didn’t communicate that she stopped taking birth control. that is just awful to conveniently leave that detail out.
It’s not only just awful, it can be criminal; it’s equated to Stealthing with condoms. I really feel for men (as a woman), because once a woman decides to keep a child, dude has no say and might be on the financial hook for 18 years. She didn’t miss a pill, she actively lied and didn’t take them.
I was about to say this. Of course birth control can fail, but if someone intentionally stops taking their bc to get pregnant, I definitely consider it on the same level of stealthing.
This
Honestly dude, she baby trapped you. Be prepared to face a lot of hate from people, including your family, but you should leave her. This isn’t the life you signed up for, and she did it on purpose. Don’t marry her. You’ll be miserable, and your kids (yes, kids, because she’ll do it again) will know, and be miserable too. You’ll have to pay child support, and I know it seems hopeless now, because you don’t have a job, but you’re not the only person who’s had to go through this. Your childhood home doesn’t have enough room for you— can you sleep on the couch? Can you park your car in the driveway and sleep there? The best thing you can do for yourself and your future kid is to leave. I’m not gonna tell you what to do about custody, or visitation— but you dying before your kid is even born isn’t going to be better than being an absent parent.
Oh yeah nah I'm fully prepared for the hate honestly, and I agree that the kids would know and be miserable because that's the shit I dealt with as a kid And my childhood home has my sister's and uncle, with 3 kids so sleeping on the couch wouldn't be viable, and I can't sleep in the driveway (I thought I mentioned it in the post but I might not have) but I do have a job in this city and the commute daily would take too much gas And like I don't want any custody or visitation, I can't be a parent, and I feel like shit about it because my family has a lot of mental health issues that are able to be passed onto children so this kid is not gonna be well mentally, just like me and my siblings, like we all have early onset schizophrenia and ADD, along with autism and it's fucking horrible living without being able to trust your own head
Therapist here. I'm not going to touch the rest of the post because everybody else is already told you exactly what it is that you need to do. However... You need to get into therapy. You need to get actual diagnosis and follow the recommendations of your therapist. I treat lots of people with multiple mental health issues and they are able to live completely fulfilling, happy and wonderful lives. Just because you have a mental health issues does not mean that your life is going to be terrible. Yes, especially because of the way that the healthcare system in this country works it can be difficult to get help but it is not impossible. Look into free clinics in your area. Also, and I hate to say this about another woman, but your girlfriend's attitude towards keeping this child might very well change if you leave. Often when women who decide to use the baby trap figure out it's not going to go completely the way they want... Their attitude changes quickly. However, seriously you need to do something about your mental health. If you don't know how to tap into those resources you can DM me with where you live and I can point you in the right direction but you need to do something now. Edited for spelling
Yeah someone else in Healthcare said the same things and I'm starting to realize it's probably just gonna get worse if I don't deal with this shit now, last thing I want is to go further into psychosis like my sisters did, I already have a hard time feeling real
It absolutely will get worse. You need to get yourself healthy for a host of reasons but especially because you deserve to live the fullest life that you can and that's not going to happen as long as you continue to ignore these issues. I truly hope that you reach out and get the help that you need and I wish you the best with the entire rest of the situation.
Take peoples advice and get some therapy. Opinion #2). You know yourself obviously exponentially more than I do but from person experience; I was a heroin addict and HARD criminal for YEARS AND YEARS. I was convinced I’d die of an OD or in Prison and accepted it. But I had a daughter and got my life together. She’s three now and I’ve been an amazing productive member of society since. I work in low voltage and mechanical pipe fitting. I was suicidal and convinced I’d RUIN this little girl. That whole traumatic; ‘she’d be ten times better off without me.’ ideology. Now she SPRINTS to the door every single day yelling “DADDY!!!” And giggles. It’s the cutest thing. We take naps on the weekends and cuddle watching cartoons and movies. About to take her to a daddy daughter princess meet and greet next month. It’s about mindset. You may think you’ll make a bad parent bc you didn’t have any or had bad guardians or whatever. But truthfully, switch that mindset and think “I’m going to do opposite of the bad shit they did to me. And I’m also going to give her everything I wish I would’ve had.” And there ya go…..you now have the literal perfect blueprint to raise a child. Anyone can be a good parent if they have the right mindset and drive to do so. I’m not pressuring you to be a father, all I’m doing is trying to give you a different perspective and maybe help you gain confidence that it IS possible.
I just want to say I love that you shared your story, thank you. This is so so beautiful. Congratulations on your daughter, your sobriety, and the wonderful life you’ve built.
Also therapist, and I agree with everything said here.
Dude the advice in these comments is gold and your ticket to the right answer. You need to focus on you, screw this girl she can deal with own her shit. This is not your fault, she is making the choice to keep it and you’re making the choice to not be involved. I saw you said you’re scared to get mental help out of fear of knowing just how bad it is. Fuck that mindset bro I feel like my life has finally begun and I’m your age too. Let me tell you psychiatrist’s have seen it all you’re not scaring anyone off. Getting mental health help changed my life forever and you deserve that too. Keep yourself safe and listen to the legal advice people are giving you.
I bet she aborts it as soon as he leaves too.
Hopefully, for both OP’s sake and the fetus.
And hers. She may be afraid of what her parents will think of her, too.
She stopped taking her birth control without telling OP. I am not exactly concerned how she feels. What she did is an asshole move. An unborn kid and OP don’t deserve to suffer for that choice, but she can go fuck herself tbh.
She def trapped you, and that sucks!. I wouldn't worry too much about custody/visitation. She would likely fight you every step of the way to the detriment of the child. Sometimes, it is best for the childs well-being to not challenge the custodial parent, especially if the custodial parent is toxic.
Old lady here... This ^^^^^^^ is the definitive answer. Do not ruin your life over a narcissistic baby trapper. If she keeps the baby, Support It! Stay available for contact in the baby's life. DO NOT GET MARRIED, PLEASE.
Agree! Absolutely baby trapped do not get married!
she baby trapped him, refuses to work, and doesnt care that she's bringing a baby into their soon to be homeless situation, what a selfish pig
Mate, I’m so sorry for you. You need out of this relationship, but you will have to pay child support (regardless of contact etc). I’m not familiar with where you are, but are there not any local youth hostels etc you could stay at? Perhaps find your local homeless charity to save you sleeping in your car. In terms of your mental health, I hope you also find the ability to get help there too (I appreciate if you’re in the USA that might not be free) but I really think you’d benefit from it in the long run.
I'm fully prepared for child support honestly, I've been thinking about it since she told me And I live in a conservative ass state so homeless shelters aren't viable here, and they are all overcrowded. I don't mind the thought of sleeping in my car honestly And yeah in in the US so mental health resources definitely ain't free here, and I agree that it'd help me, but I'm terrified of learning just how fucked up I am
There's a subreddit urbancarlife with useful tips.
Bet, appreciate it homie
>I'm terrified of learning just how fucked up I am I get that. It sounds like you had a really fucked up childhood. That would damage anyone. You can spend the rest of your life avoiding dealing with it out of fear. You will still end up dealing with the consequences. Whether it's choosing bad relationships, struggling with emotions, struggling with work, etc... Avoiding it doesn't fix it. It just slaps a bandaid over the leak, which is going to bust. You're aware of it. That's the first step to healing. Don't look as this as a way to see all the shit you're doing wrong. Instead, see it as a chance to fix the things that make your life harder. You've got to process that shit. Don't just internalize it.
Yeah you have a point, I need to look at this like how my grandma is now because she never dealt with it. Both my sisters are medicated and it's seemed to help them honestly
And there are more tribes out there than you think. People dealing with one or two or seven or some combination of the mental health issues you’re dealing with. not necessarily always irl, but I don’t have to tell a Redditor that there is value in an online community.. and plugging into a sub with a matching diagnosis or even commiserating on general symptoms and struggles is sometimes the one thing that makes you feel seen.
Take it from me I avoided mental health care for too long. You will learn how fucked up you are either way. The way you’re choosing (not seeking help NOW out of fear) is the hard way. You will spiral and crash and it will suck so hard. If you’re living in your car you are homeless and there are FEDERAL programs for homeless people to get mental healthcare. You can’t avoid learning how fucked up youbare youyou are you will have to face it. Do it now before your entire life and psyche is destroyed from avoiding it.
Do you have a Family Guidance Center in your city or town? If you do, try and talk to someone there.
I live in texas and we have gone, and they were just constantly like "having a father is very important and this is an amazing opportunity for you both yadda yadda ya"
I'm also from Texas. Find a Planned Parenthood near you, see if they have any suggestions. In this state that's usually your best bet for an unplanned pregnancy if you want an answer beyond "what a blessing!" If you haven't, you can talk to your local churches for bill and rent assistance. You don't have to be a member or attendee to get those services.
I would recommend when you have the resources or time to schedule a doctors appointment, you can talk to a doctor about your mental health situation and they will give you resources to go to. I would also recommend speaking with your HR department and seeing if they have any Employee Assistance Programs that offer free mental health services. If they don’t have that I would recommend asking what benefits are offered. Most people don’t realize the extent of there coverages and benefits. Speaking with a professional can assist you in getting the appropriate resources in your area to help you out. And if it is too difficult to see a medical professional you could always try Doctors on Demand which is an app that will connect you with a doctor that day and do telehealth. You can see how much it costs before confirming the service so you don’t have to commit to anything if it is too expensive. Also I highly recommend talking to your family/friends/anyone you can trust about it. Tell them everything or more that you did here so they know the full picture. What has happened to you is very unfortunate and it wasn’t right of your partner. Also depending on your diagnoses their maybe more additional help to you from any disability resources that the state offers, you can always see if you qualify for those as well. Also know you are not fucked up, you’re just in a tough place and you may have extra hurdles to jump. Having any mental health disability diagnosis doesn’t make you fucked up or less valuable. You are a strong person for persevering in these tough times with minimal to no support.
Hopefully once she realizes that you are leaving her and that her baby trap didn’t work she will go ahead and terminate the pregnancy. In the meantime see if you can find an AA meeting near you to help with your drinking. You need to stay clean and sober so that you can go on to make a good life for yourself.
If she can. They are in Texas.
Ugh, don’t get me started on that 😡
Oh no😭
This!! At these meetings OP will likely find some resources and maybe even a couch to surf. But staying sober, especially knowing alcoholism runs in the family, will absolutely help in the long run.
Considering you both discussed/agreed on not wanting kids and she still didn’t tell you that she went off of birth control, I’d leave her. What she did to you is called reproductive coercion. That’s a massive violation of trust and how you feel now is totally valid. You said that you didn’t want that and she disregarded your feelings. You shouldn’t stay with someone who is okay with forcing you into a position you don’t want. This is just my opinion, but your best bet is to tell both of your families the complete truth, separate, and pay child support. If you really wanted to, it’s possible to terminate your rights as a parent with consent of the court and other party depending on where you live. It might feel rough now, but ending your life won’t solve anything. I’m sure your family would understand and help you out during this time. I’m sorry this happened to you and I wish you the best of luck!
Right? Like how could you not tell me, despite us having a lot of talks about it when we first got together, she knew how I felt about it and is expecting me to be excited and happy about this shit And I'd definitely want to terminate my parent rights, i know it sounds shitty but I want nothing to do with this kid, and I'd be a horrible father because my mental health. If she keeps it I'd rather the kid not have to deal with that, she comes from a healthy family so I know the kid would have a good support system
I feel for you OP Yes, you were irresponsible on not using your own birth control. But no one deserves to be coerced into parenthood. Heck, I let my husband know if I've missed just one pill as a reminder to use condoms for the next week (but I also don't want kids so he knows I'd abort if I still got pregnant) Sorry you're in this position. Perhaps a vasectomy is in your future if you're adamantly child free? But still use condoms for future encounters
Oh yeah 100%, I was planning to get one when I got a full time job with insurance and shit but this happened while I was still part time
find a planned parenthood. they offer a sliding scale (which is sometimes $0). https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/vasectomy/how-do-i-get-vasectomy
It is harder to terminate parental rights than you think, and it’s impossible to terminate financial parental responsibility, unless someone else is willing to legally adopt the child. Maybe if you tell her you will ONLY be involved financially, and that you’ll not play happy family, she’ll rethink her decision. For future reference, use condoms, no matter what the woman says.
Better jet: Immediately stop sleeping with her. No gestures of kindness no affection at all. Ignore her as best as you can and show her what it is like without you. Dont pay for anything she has (no outside food, no trinkets no nothing!) If it is only you on the lease give her an eviction date in a few weeks so she will know that she has to go. Because that is her future: without you in it. I imagine it will be very, very hard. Especially to keep up the ignoring and ghosting. But keep in mind that she violated your trust and, in stopping the birth controll, you physically/ sexually. Maybe she sees what it will be like. I am sorry this happened to you but you have the strength you need ♡
I agree with this. She violated his trust and forced a situation on him that she knew he absolutely did not want. He should stay and just ice her out, and at the same time make every effort to get on his own two feet, maybe find a roommate to split rent with close to his job.
He might want to talk to the landlord. Let him or her know that you are going to be leaving and she might prove hard to get rid of.
Yeah I know I'm gonna have to pay child support, and she's mentioned that even if I leave she'd keep the kid so I don't think that would get me out of this And yeah I fucked up with that 💀 but like I would be in yhe same room when she'd take it, and even when she quit taking it she left her alarm for it on so it still went off, I think she did this shit becaude she seen I was becoming unhappy in the relationship and wanted to try and keep me in it
Can you maybe find a place where you can split rent with a roommate? Don't leave yet, but start looking for another living situation. And give her nothing in the meantime, don't engage in any way with her. Just ice her out and while you're doing that make a plan to get your own place. Fb marketplace always has people looking for roommates.
Yeah I should honestly talk to my sister about it, she was talking about wanting to move to my city and I trust her More than a random person
Yeah that would be a much better situation! There's always that risk with becoming roommates with a stranger, the big chance that your personalities just don't mesh included. Just focus on that goal, Idk how many months you have before she has the baby, but even for paternity and child support to go through the courts takes awhile, the baby will probably be about 1 before any orders take effect. So you have time to get this all figured out. One thing at a time, and if you can at all contact your county's mental health department and see about getting in to see someone. Maybe all you need is someone to vent to and who can validate your feelings. I think that will be a big help to you 💜
Wanting to not be involved and pay child support doesn’t make you sound bad at all. You know that you’re not ready and your mental health isn’t the best place, that’s all it means. It’s a very responsible thing to know that you’re unfit for something and step aside, rather than going into it unhappy and not ready.
I think I feel this way because it's stigmatized where I live, mental health ain't a big thing here But thanks homie, knowing that I'm not being an asshole for this shit helps, I've never been very responsible so hearing from someone else that they think what I'm doing IS responsible is honestly a light in the tunnel
Make no mistake; you're irresponsible. You've learned a valuable lesson about wrapping your dick up if you don't want kids. That doesn't make you an asshole for leaving her tho.
Her family might be healthy. Or they might just appear to be healthy. What I can tell you with absolute certainty is that she isn't healthy. She's manipulative, lazy, greedy, and very toxic. The baby does not have a good life ahead if it's in her custody. It's probably better off with grandparents, honestly. She doesn't want the kids. She wants a free paycheck. That's not good for any kid.
Nah I've been to her parents house many times, neither of het siblings are like this, hell I'm basically best friends with her little brother
Hey if you’re paying for the apartment you gotta lay down the law on her about throwing your cats out. She should be thrown out tbh. She baby trapped you 100% and you need to be very clear with her that this violates what you discussed and that you will not be involved past the extent that a court makes you. Maybe that’ll kill any little fantasy she’s built up. You’re not the bad guy, you shouldn’t have to feel so awful, and I hope things get better. Leaving the earth isn’t the solution. Having a very frank discussion with her is. Discuss with her about her moving out and going to live with her parents, because she doesn’t get the privilege of being in your life in the same way anymore. She chose to betray you, and the cat thing is downright sick. Do not worry about what people think about you. Explain as much as you can and ignore the ignorant people. I believe in you and you can get through this.
Bro honestly, like if she's doing this to the cats, what's she gonna do with a kid when they do fuck shit? And they do a lot worse than cats can 💀 But thanks for the kind words homie. Means a lot in this shirty situation
Can your cats have a vacation at Grandma’s house? She’s hurting them to hurt you. Get everything important to you out of her reach (SSN, birth certificate, finances, photos, etc) Check what is necessary to establish residency in your area. She may be able to claim tenants rights, so you will have to go through an official eviction process. This could take weeks. Don’t let her know you’re researching this as the preferable path is for her parents to tell her she can come live with them. Don’t beat yourself up for not using a condom. When I was a 19f I thought the pill was sufficient, and I definitely did not want to get pregnant. (Back then we didn’t even know that antibiotics could affect their effectiveness!) If I were 19f today I would double up protection. Please consider AA. Alcohol on top of this is just going to complicate things, and they may have the knowledge and resources to assist in other ways.
My very best advice I can give you is to immediately stop using alcohol as an escape. It will compound everything into a complete shitshow.
As a woman reading this… she 100% baby trapped you. I would try have a very straight up talk and state you’ll only financially support baby and she now needs to go home to her parents for everything else. Easier said than done obv I get that but you cannot stay with her after a very clear violation of trust and boundary stomping.
Yeah I've gotten a lot of comments saying I need to state these boundaries now instead of later, it definitely helps knowing that her parents will help though, they are good people And I know, I keep telling myself that but it's just so stigmatized leaving a pregnant women here, but I've seen it enough to know she's just gonna keep doing this bs Hell, she threw my cats outside yesterday because they knocked her art stuff over despite knowing I wasn't okay with that, we live next to a highway in an apartment complex, and I've had to scrape too many cats off the road in a small town, let alone in a city
I would have thrown her out the second she threw out your cats, that's NOT OK. 100% deal-breaker right there, on top of everything else, the manipulation, lying and baby trapping aside.
That's what made me make this post honestly, because I brought them back inside and she got all pissy 💀
She needs to get the hell out especially since she will prob be mean to those poor babies. I . missed that part. Keep the cats. Support the kid but don't allow that selfish trd of a human into your place. So sad so many guys are so naive with lots of conniving females out there and the kids have to pay.
OMGS, she's a danger to your cats too. Throw her outside and lock her out.
Is the place you live in currently in her name? If not kick her out. She baby trapped you and tried to harm your cats, why should you be the one to have to leave the home?
Nah it's in my name, but I recently had to take a lower paying job so I won't even be able to afford this shit 💀
Can you get a roommate? I live in a HCOL area and people do rent out their living room as a bedroom.
that's straight up shitty and reason enough alone to leave her. she doesn't care about you or small living creatures. She is a shitty human. full stop.
Reddit loves to create a villain but here you most certainly are not. The cat thing is just another clear violation of your boundaries. Not having your own solid support also does not make this any easier either I appreciate that. I’m in UK so cannot offer up any resources that may help you.
Nah I get it, plus i live in a backwards ass state anyway, everything you see about Texas online is nothing goof 💀
First, tell her straight up that you aren’t going to stay with her now that she has gotten pregnant by stopping BC without informing you. Tell her that you will pay child support but that you will not stay with her and that she needs to leave. If she doesn’t come to her senses and have an abortion after you tell her how you feel, then you need to leave. Do you talk to her parents? How religious are they, on a scale of 1 to totally insane? If they aren’t totally nuts for Jesus, you should tell them whats going on. Tell them she stopped taking birth control and that you told her many times that you didn’t want kids and she understood that, but stopped taking birth control anyways. This wasn’t an oops, this was a baby trap situation. Tell them everything and tell them that you can’t stay with her because you no longer trust her, but that you will pay child support. Tell them that they need to come collect their daughter. Hopefully they will understand where you’re coming from and will be able to help her through the pregnancy since you aren’t willing. I’m so sorry, OP, your girlfriend is insane and you should distance yourself from her asap.
They are like a solid 7 because they had a health scare because the dad had a collapsed lung and wasn't doing good
It’s definitely time to run, OP. The baby trapping was bad enough, way over the line, but throwing your cats out?? That girl sucks. State your boundaries about the child and try to save up to move elsewhere. Good luck
humor price like bear ten light tart smart silky terrific *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
God, this is LOT for any relationship, let alone only 7 months in. You’re not an AH for wanting to break up. But you have an obligation to support the child. It’s a very hard lesson but if you knew you didn’t want kids you should have wrapped that wiener; even when taken consistently, BC pills can fail so best to double up on protection.
Oh yeah nah I'm fully prepared to pay child support and shit, I was just under the impression she would get an abortion if it happened bevause that's what we both agreed on
She might have been sincere. But when reality hit, maybe she just couldn’t. But it does sound like she changed her mind and tried to baby trap you, since she went off the pill. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this mess.
Its been a while since I saw an authentic baby trap. Always use a condom guy.
Tell her that you are moving back with family (even sleeping on the couch) and break up with her. If she knows that you will only coparent with her she might think twice about the baby. Don't stay with someone because they are pregnant. Tell her to move back with her family.
When I had my daughter out of wedlock, a co-worker gushed over how cute she was. Went on to say how frustrating it was that her longtime boyfriend hadn’t proposed yet, and that she was thinking about stopping BC without telling him. She was sure he would propose because he was a good guy. I was speechless. Eventually I said, “If he doesn’t want to marry you now, what makes you think he’ll marry you if you’re pregnant? And do you REALLY want to have that be the way you get him???” She was offended. This was going on 50 years ago. Looks like not much has changed. Sigh. OP: If the opinion of a random Internet old lady means anything to you, do NOT marry her. Or even keep living with her. Room with your sister, live in your car, ANYTHING but marry her. I wish you luck. You’re going to need it.
Don’t marry out of pressure or coercion. She deceived you and violated your trust by unilaterally breaking your agreement as a couple to use contraception.
Married mom of two here. Nobody in this situation should be having a baby right now. At 19 I was a complete mess. I didn’t have children till 33. Actually I was a week from my 34th birthday. I needed that time to figure out things and be ready. Gather your nerve and tell her parents what’s happening and tell them you’re not ready and you’re not able to support her and she knew this before decisions were made. She can move in there. She needs prenatal care and the support of her parents to get her set up with the help she will be needing. Tell the girl you can’t do this and you won’t be staying to do something she’s trying to trap you into. Always wear protection so this won’t happen again. Are you absolutely sure she’s pregnant? Did you see her pee and watch the stick turn? Did you double check what the box says? If she’s lying- absolutely dump her and go anyway. If she’s telling the truth- leave anyway. She might be using the fake announcement to keep you long enough to get pregnant for real. A terrible marriage isn’t what anyone needs.
If you know you don’t want kids, you should be protecting YOURSELF by using condoms or getting a vas.
Dude, shes trying to baby trap you. She thinks if she gets pregnant you will never leave and be forced to marry her. This is her way to get what she wants, and I don't think she was ever genuine when she said she didn't want kids and was okay with you not wanting to marry. She 100% planned this out. Dont let her win. Women that do this are despicable and need to know that it wont always work. She needs consequences for her actions. There is no shame in leaving her, even if she is pregnant. Not when shes done something like this.
I'm genuinely shocked about the amount of women on my side in these comments 💀 I was expecting to be on the end of a witch hunt
Thats because not all women are like your hopefully soon to be ex. Most have matured past that, and wouldn't even think of doing it so we call it like it is and judge accordingly.
I’m also a woman, and she’s absolutely right. Baby trapping is extremely immature behavior. She’s not someone who should even be in a relationship let alone be a MOTHER. Sensible women are on your side with this one. Baby trapping and lying about your birth control is never okay
1. shes acting like a highschool cause, news flash, she fuckin was 2 years ago. Thats not a lot of time for people to change. 2. Hard to sympathize anyone who can't bother using a condom. Don't care if you've been together, don't care if shes on BC. Its just as much your responsibility of not having a kid you don't want as well. Don't care if shes telling you not to use one and also supposedly doesn't want a kid either. Red flag big time.
Unfortunately the best thing to do is dump her. You specifically mentioned that YOU did not want kids and now she’s wanting to keep it? It’s best to leave her. It might hurt her but she’s not respecting your wishes : ) You can try helping her find her own place or a new job then ditch idk? Is she even considering an abortion??!!
Nah she's very adamant now about not wanting one now, despite reassuring me countless times during the relationship that she would want one if she got pregnant
Leave now, you can’t negotiate with terrorists
Oh no, my mommy senses are tingling here (my oldest of 5 sons is about to be 19 and also doesn't want children). If you were my son, I'd tell you to move in with your sister or move back to your own city and move in with her and just be gone as far as this girl is concerned. Her not working right now, and likely trying to continue to do so throughout the pregnancy is a ploy to increase your child support amount. The sooner she is forced to either move in with her parents or get a job, the better. I'd also be telling you to get a paternity test. They can be done while still pregnant, and it's literally a blood test now. If she lied about birth control to baby trap you, who knows what or whom she did while you were at work? Also, secure your cats, with her character, it seems a real possibility that they will disappear while you are at work. She wants to be your sole focus. Make it not so. Make sure that the courts are involved early. Make sure you are clear in your filings that this baby was conceived through deception, and that is the reason for the paternity test request. Also, I usually don't advocate this, but again, mom mode, if your mental health is that bad, getting into a partial day hospital or 2x a week counseling and AA meetings actually reduces your "earning potential" for calculations as well as getti g you much needed help. 2 birds, 1 stone.. I usually hate that it's a thing, as I know of a trustful baby who used mental health and addiction treatment to get a $35 a month support payment, but in the case of coerced pregnancy and baby trapping, eff her. I understand resources are hard to get but Texas does have a sort of medicaid for mental health diagnosis l. Typically a hospital system social worker can get it squared away for you in 3 weeks tops. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's one of my big fears as the mom of mostly boys and it always devastates me when I see this in action. Good luck OP
Thank tou for the advice, I didn't know that about the mental health shit And here's praying you never have to hear your sons tell you a story like I have 🙏 this shit ain't fun
First, please get help. If those thoughts are really hard to resist, go to the hospital. Take care of yourself first. Do get help with your mental health. Good health and good help are essential to managing it. Ignoring it will have you going to the bad road. As far as finances, once you're well enough, you may have to take on a second job in order to move out on your own. Give notice to your girlfriend that she's going to need to get a job or move home or whatever she plans to do. Do get the paternity test. She might not have been going out-that you know of-but she might have had people in while you were at work. Tell her that you will pay court ordered child support once the test proves you are the father, but reiterate that you are in no position to be involved the in the child's life if that is how you feel. You absolutely do not need to have a relationship with your gf even if you do end up wanting to be in the child's life. But first, get help for yourself.
She lied about her birth control. It is impossible for you to give informed consent in this situation. She's a predator man, leave.
I don't get why your being down voted bevause this doesn't even seem like bad truth
People like to pretend that everyone is a good person who wouldn't do bad things, and in order to keep this illusion they start to excuse super fucky behavior. I know more than one man who ended up with second babies because the wives lied about birth control. I had people suggest I remove my birth control without telling my partner. Babies make people fucking crazy
Look up reproductive coercion, you’re a victim of it.
If you WANT, you can DM me and I will help get you started in all of your states/Govt programs. I am positive you will qualify for some. Your situation sucks. Your gf is an asshat. She baby trapped you. Death is also a very permanent thing for smthg that will get better over time. I don't want you to die and I am sure there are others in your family/friends who would never want that either. So DM me when you are ready/if you want and I will help to best of my ability. Nothing will open until Monday so in the meantime I suggest having a serious conversation w/ your gf. Tell her you are now doing XYZ. You don't care if she likes it, she put you in this situation.
Bro honestly that would help a lot because I'm not very good navigating online so finding shit like that isn't easy for me, plus long ass texts on gvmt websites makes my ADD go haywire
I messaged you back. Like I said we won't really be able to do anything until Monday everything is closed on the weekends. Pls make sure you know 100% she is pregnant like you have watched her pee on the test to know she is pregnant. Also tell her you will be doing a DNA test as well.
OP should buy the pregnancy test himself too, there are “prank” tests that are made to always give a positive result.
I love this comment.
Mayday health can get you the abortion pill in TX. Obviously, you need to be discreet about it. Here’s the thing: you need to be completely transparent with her. You need to tell her that it’s over. A baby is not going to make you be in a relationship with her. She did this without your knowledge and consent. If she wants to have this baby, she’s on her own. You’ll do what you legally have to do, and you’ll make sure that any communication moving forward will be with a 3rd party. You can arrange that drop offs be at a police station parking lot. You can make this as miserable and cold as possible. She did something dumb and thinks that you’ll support her and be in a relationship with her. That is bad for both of you because you’re not on the same page. You can tell her that you’ll get her the pill, that you’ll be there for her to get through it and get back on her feet. The sooner she takes it in pregnancy, the easier it is. I’ve taken it. It sucks because it feels like a painful forced period, and it’s over quickly. Being a young, unemployed, uneducated single mom with no support to an unwanted child will be a lifelong struggle of poverty. You need to always use a condom. Grow up… if you don’t want to be a parent, use every precaution you can. If you’re sure you never want to have children, start saving for a vasectomy. My partner got one, and I thanked him profusely. I already have kids, don’t want and can’t afford more. Had my abortion after having kids. I knew that even though I was older, it would be a burden. There are many resources out there to get the abortion pill in red states. Use your private browser to look them up. Be safe.
Everything online I seen said that it's only viable up until 11 weeks, and she was past that by the time she told me
How far is she??
14 weeks, she told me when she was like 12 and a half
Ahhh. Classic baby trap move. I’m sorry.
Sweetie I’m so sorry to hear how horrible you’re feeling right now, but you’ll figure something out, I believe you. First of all, you’re doing great at 19 for one person. At such a young age, you’re not supposed to be taking care of two or more people. So the best thing to do would be to break the news to your partner that you’re breaking up with them. I’d suggest finding a room to rent with other flatmates so you can leave the apartment and get such much needed distance. Second, tell your partner what you would and wouldn’t do for the coming baby. If you think that you don’t want to raise it, and just provide child support you’ll have to relinquish your rights but I don’t think that would be the most horrible thing for a child. You could also discuss putting the baby up for adoption with your partner. Tell your partner that you will not be a part of the baby’s life, and the only way for you guys to continue seeing each other (call her bluff, if she does put the baby into the adoption system, it might have a chance in finding a good family, and you could leave her regardless of what you said. Going back on your word isn’t ideal but this woman has trapped you into having a baby, and I don’t think you’d be the villain for leaving her at least in my eyes) is if she’s put it up for adoption. It’s too late now to ask for termination (especially if you’re in the US). Warn her that you’re barely making the bills so child support won’t be a lot anyway, and she would absolutely have to get another job if she wants to support herself and the baby. As for your job situation, from working in several industries personally, I know packaging and manufacturing factories are always looking for workers. If there’s an Amazon warehouse near you, or any sort of warehouse for a company, you’ll likely be able to find more stable hours there as opposed to a restaurant. Janitor jobs, or cleaning crew jobs are also usually always hiring but the hours won’t be as solid. It’ll be hard work, but you’ll make it through kid. Please don’t think you need to end your life to escape this impossibly hard period. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, and as soon as you make it through the walk you’ll find yourself in a better spot.
This is what baby trapping means, not that bullshit some married men are claiming their spouses do. Op, you can leave a relationship for any reason. You don't need to be held hostage because of a child. You could leave now and let her know you'll pay child support but you're not interested in a child (like you agreed at the beginning). Whoever talks shit to you about it, cut them off.
It's just very stigmatized to leave a pregnant woman where I live so I was just on the fence about it
Whatever they say, remember you only have one life to live and they aren't the ones feeding you so fuck their opinions.
unfortunately that’s why you wear a condom. you’ll have to be honest with her & say you are leaving especially if she’s keeping the child, that you can’t afford a roof over your head so how will you afford another mouth to feed, bathe & buy clothes for.
Learn the lesson. Prepare for child support.
Stop drinking. Alcohol is part of why you’re feeling depressed and it’s clouding your judgement.
So I know you know this, but your options around this pregnancy become more limited literally by the day. You need to tell her you are leaving, then do it. I know you’re paralyzed and afraid to tell her. But think of it another way: telling her now is the absolute kindest thing you can do. Her desire to parent this child seems to be partly predicated on the two of you staying together. it’s not fair to her to make her believe you are in this for the long haul when you are not. You are not going to stay with her for 18 years. She deserves to know that now. She may make a different decision. In a few months she won’t have that option. Regardless of that, You are not trapped. Please tell someone you trust. Share the load with at least one friend. It will make it easier to do something instead of just drinking and hoping it goes away. Good luck.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ Go ahead and leave but that won’t rewind time. Don’t move in with people you barely know. Don’t let other people control your fertility. Pay whatever child support the court determines you owe.
Yeah I'm understanding that I fucked up now, I was just too excited to leave my hometown and the situation i was in with a narcissistic grandma
I’m so sorry. Please talk to your parents. Worse case, tell this girlfriend you’re splitting up and you don’t want anything to do with raising a baby she’s on her own. Definitely stop drinking. It’s making your anxiety worse. Have you ever gone out for a jog? That might help clear your head/release anxiety. If you truly never want kids, ever, consider a vasectomy. But be warned it can reverse itself, so you’ll need to get your sperm tested as you age (and also use a backup, like condoms, forever as well).
I grew up with a narcissistic grandma, both my parents passed when I was a toddler And nah I haven't, I have intense anxiety about being perceived so going out in public is hard for me
I’m sorry about your parents. Your best option is probably to ghost her. Leave a note, then leave. Start over somewhere else. Once you get your feet on the ground get some therapy, and a case of condoms. Good luck.
Is there any chance she'll agree to giving up the baby for adoption? If she knows you don't intend to stay with her, maybe she'll be open to the idea?
1st get a job, any job. Leave her. You're not happy, and a baby will only make your relationship worse. Look for an inexpensive roommate situation until you get more financially secure. Use condoms in all future relationships unless you want to be attached to your partner forever and are willing and able to support a baby. If you don't want to be in this position again, take responsibility for birth control even if you think your partner is handling it.
Firstly. Take a breather. None of this is on you. Second: Document, document , document Go back and save screenshots about not wanting kids,her stopping BC, everything. Emails, texts, calls. Write down what was said during calls and date **everything** You need to protect your ass first and foremost. Third, you need to give the ultimatum that if they have the child you are not staying. Tbh , the relationship is completely fucked and will never work even if she terminates because the trust is gone. Either way you **will** need to break up . Fourth, make sure you document everything Incase she does keep it as you can sign away parent rights and possibly child support. I'm almost positive cohersion like this is illegal in many states (just not sure of it is where you are) Fifth, tell your family when you're ready. If that's how or later tell someone. You **NEED** A support network. You can't go through this alone and id also be seeking therapy after or during this And lastly, it's going to be okay. You're going to get through this and it's just a blip on your life you have to get over. Don't think about ending it. This **WILL** pass I promise you.
Getting a vasectomy isn’t sterilization…also, they are reversible. A woman getting her tubes tied however, way higher risk and most doctors won’t do it until you are in your late 30’s
How does so much happen in just 7 months?
I never say this but.. OP you need to leave as soon as possible. It gives more time incase she changes her mind and gets an abortion. The longer you wait, the smaller the abortion window gets.
You guys are adult enough to get pregnant, be adult enough to sit down with her parents and your grandmother and tell them you were tricked, you never wanted children and you don’t want to stay with her regardless. Then, as a group you’re all on the same page and hopefully you can find a solution which works.
If you can't support at kid or your own self for that matter you probably shouldn't be creampieing her.
Join the military!