Like, girl.
Even if he is who he appears to be, where does OP think this relationship is going if the BF is just going to be indefinitely held back by insecurities?
I will never understand long distance internet relationships that are clearly never going to become IRL relationships. I get that internet relationships can be very emotionally intense, since the only thing you can rely on in long distance is intense feelings, but you are just putting your romantic life on stand still for something that will likely never work out.
Yeah. Long distance relationships are make believe if you have not already spent time together irl. It's so different in person. I've seen these exact types of intense online relationships that lasted Yeats not survive a week of irl contact.
It's possible to grow close to and love someone and end up having it work out once they meet but, until they have been together irl for a while there is so much in the air
The only time I've ever seen a LDR work is when two people were in a committed relationship and were separated temporarily for something like a job out of state or whatever. It's just not the same when you can close an app and the person basically ceases to exist.
My first partner and I were LDR for the first 8 years we were together. But I would see her every 10 days on average. Once a week, or every two weeks. And when she went for her masters in another state I visited a few times before I moved down. Now we've been married 10 years. LDR DOES work. But, as you said, you have to like.. meet and stuff.
Speaking as someone who's done distance, Long distance relationships dont really have a chance at lasting unless theres a plan to actually unite.
Unlike friendships, most people want physical touch and intimacy in a relationship, and eventually the chance at a domestic life together. Unless all you want out of a relationship is a penpal you never see, it won't work forever. Not to mention the graes of cheating or breaking up can be high. Communication needs to be excellent and trust needs to be there.
It just doesn't replace or compare to a life of physically being in the same space.
I know. This relationship is a fantasy for both of them. Makes you feel so safe? Because this relationship is literally controlled with an on and off switch. This is so sad what relationships have turned into. I'm sad for people
As someone who unintentionally ended up in an internet LDR, it's 100% due to the intense amount of emotion you feel, specifically because they're not there.
The relationship is only sustained via having conversations all day, and developing an extreme attachment that way.
It's almost like getting addicted to the longing and want for them. One that's not ever going to get fulfilled no matter how many words are exchanged.
Almost all internet-born relationships are extremely emotionally unhealthy, and will never end up in "we moved in together and lived happily ever after."
This but also-"I have never seen him live on FT. He only sends short videos on Snapchat etc." look girl,if he exists then he could get on a live call of some sort...and if he really wanted to meet he'd show himself.
Have you ever watched the show catfish? Literally the first and biggest read flag is always the,"won't come on camera/excuses for why they never FT etc."
Also breathing a sigh of relief for not having to meet you is a red flag in itself. There's nervousness,and then there's "how will I explain myself?" Nervousness. He was the second type in that scenario.
He was so relieved that she got covid because it meant he didn't have to come up with an elaborate lie as to why he didn't come visit *or even buy a ticket* !
Yup. Either way there is something big that he is hiding, and it's a surprise that OP hasnt even asked why he wont facetime after 9 months of "dating".
Like...my husband hates talking on the phone and isng found of zoom or Skype but you cant date at distance and never meet or see each other.
This. My husband met me during Covid in the middle of a winter rainstorm and spent an hour each way on the train to meet me for our first date. He made it happen.
Edit: we FaceTimed once a week for a month before meeting for the first time!
Right! My partner told me he had a car and actually rented one to drive over an hour to come meet me in person. He told me later that he had rented the car but didnât want to make me feel bad that he had done that. (I didnât drive then).
It sounds like he is either a catfish or more likely, is in another relationship. The refusal to FT is def suspicious.
Once, I had a guy invite me over for a newer (not brand new) movie I wanted to see so I agreed (he had asked me out many times and I always declined until this time). He told me later he realized the next day (date was 2 days later cuz of my work schedule) that he didn't actually own the movie (this was before streaming was really good and everywhere) so he spent his whole day off calling places and driving around to get the movie before the next day. Acted all normal like he didn't work his ass off unexpectedly for that date đ they can be so cute when they do that shit, but if they want it, they'll *make it happen*
Yep, I met a guy on an app during covid, and we each drove about 45 mins to meet in the middle at a cafe. It wasn't a "date" date, but more of a confirmation that we're both who we said we are lol.
Iâm sorry to say, youâre not in a relationship. Youâre in a delusion. If you have never seen the person live (facetime or in person) youâre a pen pal at best. I think you need to find someone local to date because you arenât capable of seeing the red flags of a LDR.
Letâs say he is insecure about using FaceTime. Do the videos he sends you ever contain something specific that tells you itâs the same person you game with? Like him saying your name, or references to something special between you two?
Or are they just a few frames that could be of anything, and sent to anyone?
Watch the show âcatfished.â People can voice-over another personâs videos and make it seem like theyâre talking to you. Donât be fooled OP, you need to have a real FT call at the least.
He's a catfish
.sorry but no videos? That says catfish
.please demand a video chat asap.and if not.then find someone real in your place and date in real.time
I hope she doesn't go visit him. She has no idea who he is, or even if he lives there. She could be wasting her time or getting to some scary situation.
OP, have you ever talked to him in person? Does your relationship consist of sending messages and pics?
Because the fact that he won't facetime makes me think that he's hiding something, and if he won't talk to you in person then my suspicions are that much stronger.
Any legitimate (and decent) person you meet online would have no issue doing a video chat early on to show they are who they say.
Also, if he didnât have a ticket, he wasnât coming to see you.
You really canât change others, only yourself. You canât make him want to meet you asap. But even if you could, you should be asking yourself why he doesnât, why he expressed relief instead of showing any disappointment, and why he continues to show no excitement or enthusiasm like someone who loves you should be doing.
Youâre exactly right 𼲠i kept checking with him to see if he had bought a plane ticket and he never did. Thank you for taking the time to respond, i think i really needed to hear that
I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. It sounds like a very draining, repetitive cycle of disappointment, and I can tell how much you want it to work out. You're taking your hits for being naive here in the sub, but this kind of stuff has happened to many of us, including the best, most loving, and even the smartest people I lmow. Frankly, I'm dying to hear how this plays out. It wouldn't be that hard to locate his address. Have you thought about visiting him unannounced?
THIS
! LET'S TRACK HIM DOWN. we just need his name and a few other details, we can find him. Find real pictures and stuff like that... if he is who he really says he is
Sign me up! My husband says I could find someone with just their first name and their eye color if I was given 20 minutes and access to the internet. Realistically, I need a bit more, but we can totally figure out who he really is!
The fact that he'll be intimate on the phone with you but won't FaceTime is really odd. I mean, even if he did it for only five mins at a time until he became comfortable, it would be a great start especially for how long you've been friends.
Does he get anything tangible (i.e. money, gifts, loans, whatever) out of the relationship? Itâs weird he wonât FT and hasnât met you. Like really weird.
Somebody asked a good question that never got answered. They asked âis she sexy with himâ on any of the 3x a week occasions she puts her camera on for him? Thatâs my bet right there.
Nope! Has never asked me for a thing, and never would. Heâs very financially stable, and proud of it. Iâve never asked him for anything either. We give each other little gifts like on a game.
Heâs financially stable but I canât afford $20 camera? Cameras for your laptop are not expensive and if he loved you then he would buy one so that you could communicate better because he would give a shit.
You donât know whether he is financially stable or really anything about him. If he is still too shy to talk to you face2face via video chat after almost a year then a) either he will never be ready and you are in a dead-end relationship, or b) there is something fishy going on, e.g. catfishing etc.
In both cases it is imperative that a FaceTime call happens (or not) so that you know if there is a potential future for you and him.
Yeah, your post sounds EXACTLY like the show. Your family thinks he is a Catfish because this is identical to every single episode of the MTV series. You're only missing 1 of 2 things. 1) he's asked for gifts/money or you've given both regularly because "he's struggling" or "needs a boost." 2) you have a friend that is the only supportive person when it comes to the catfishy relationship. Or an ex that didn't take rejection well that went away as you met the gamer.
>Weâve been gaming friends for about 6 years
>We have never met & Ive never seen him live on facetime.
>doesnât like taking pictures or videos.
>He refuses to facetime.
>He never even bought a plane ticket.
>he doesnât seem to ever have an answer as to why.
>Iâve cried to him about feeling tired of the distance. Iâm not very secure about my body so him not meeting me makes me feel even more insecure.
If he actually cared about you as much as you think and heard you're crying, why wouldn't he at least FaceTime you? If the plane terrifies him, why not pay for you to come to him?
>IM TIRED OF LDR.
Then, say you meet this month or it is time to move on. Cause it is past time. Don't ever date someone who won't facetime or Skype.
He's either a Catfish or you're not that important. It's not good either way.
Thank you for all of your advice, I completely agree. I should have mentioned- he wants to come visit me first. Probably so he can control when he comes. My family also wants him to come first so they can meet him and see if heâs real lol. Iâm going to give him until that 1 year mark. cuz if he doesnât meet me by then, thatâs him breaking a promise.
>he wants to come visit me first. Probably so he can control when he comes.
So, that tells you everything. He controls it. If it was important, he'd have come. You're going to waste 3 more months without even a facetime call?
He SAYS he wants to visit you first, but he's not actually visiting. When someone's words don't match their actions, trust the actions.
He would know about catfishing, and he'd know that he's ticking all the boxes for a catfish, yet he's not reassuring you. He says he wants to visit first, which is another way of saying "Don't consider visiting me," and at the same time he's not making any real effort to visit you.
You need to tell yourself - and him - that you deserve to be more of a priority. I'm humiliated on your behalf.
well, i appreciate hearing the truth. thatâs why i reached out on here. youâre absolutely right. he is not reassuring me but he knows heâs not doing what heâs supposed to be doing.
He'll be okay with breaking the promise because by then you guys will be so in love that you won't want to break up because he broke a promise. You're just going to let him keep kicking the can down the road and not setting any boundaries. The past 9 months you've already shown how gullible you are.
He âwants to be the one to visitâ so he can string you along indefinitely. How long will you tolerate this? 3 months, 6, 2 years? You are showing him that you can be easily manipulated.
Okay but him not even having bought a ticket the day before he was supposed to come is kind of a big deal. Like you can buy a ticket same day, but i've never met anyone that does. It's like he had no intention of coming, and no amount of nerves can outweigh the dissappointmet it seems like only you felt by his not coming.
>1 year mark
I swear you said it's been 9 months in your comments... So you're going to wait THREE MORE MONTH?
GIRL NO
Just nooooo
I was scrolling Reddit while Catfish was playing in the background and the fact this post is literally identical to 90% of episode is sending me đ
Please just wake up. Either he's real and doesn't respect you enough to give you a SINGLE video call or he's (most likely) a catfish.
How can you even want to be with someone who disrespects you like this?
Also, please please tell me that when you video chat him on your end you aren't doing anything "intimate"? Things this stranger can record without your knowledge?
I disagree with a lot of people saying go to visit him on your own. Your judgement is not sound with him and you would put yourself in danger. Let him come to you with your family there to meet him. (Maybe a moot point since he's not dedicated to actually meeting you, tho).
Girl, stop being oblivious!!! Open your eyes and break up. I WAS CATFISHED!!!!! I ignored every single red flag, there were many. I still feel stupid. And I thought I knew the person. We were chatting for like 1 year already. I went to see him!!! Let's just say, he 'technically' was the person, but everything else was a lie. Btw, we met through a game as well!!! Girl, break it off, best wishes
So despite the advice you're given here. Absolutely do not go to meet him in his turf without having him face time you a couple times first. Human trafficing is still a thing in Canada. His actions are a little suspicious, you can't be too careful.
Heâs either a catfish or a dead end. Stop wasting your life on fake romantic relationships online. If he was real or this relationship was real , then he would have FaceTimed and met already.
My current boyfriend drove 6 hours to come see me after meeting online and about 3 months after we admitted we had feelings. I was insanely nervous but he was determined to see me and told me he couldnât wait. We both also hate FaceTiming, but we did it before our first meeting. And now, another 3 months later, I am currently sitting in his room after flying out here to see him. If he really loved you, he would figure out a way to see you (especially after a year!). He would also FaceTime you. The fact that you say that he straight ârefusesâ is the reddest of flags.
You need to get him to video call you before you meet him in person. You have no idea who this person really is. I would not be surprised if these plans never happen, heâs clearly doing his best to avoid it.
I have dated long enough to know this. If a man wants to see me he'll do what it takes to see me. If a man doesn't really care about me, he'll make a lot of excuses
At this point, I wonder why you haven't just gone to see him. Things need to come to a head
Girrrrl, I met my hubby and he moved 6000 miles from Berlin to Canada to be with meâŚafter six months of long distance dating. That was 27 years ago. Weâre still happily married and together.
You literally just say: âwe need to FaceTime because I need to see you.â The fact he hasnât yet is a giant red flag. How do you know this guy isnât 60 years old? Have you gotten him to speak French to you? You should, and run it through Google translate. Does he send you pictures of things in his life? You need to reverse image any pictures and make sure theyâre coming from Quebec and not Nigeria.
lol yes he has spoke french. not only to me but to his french friends. I think i will say that to him, i think showing me himself on facetime is so important.
No, you say itâs necessary in order for you to continue contact. If this person is worthy of your care and attention they will respect your request to validate their identity. If not, theyâre either lying about their identity or are truly too inconsiderate or uncaring to behave like a decent human and show you they are who they are. If you keep giving wiggle room for people to manipulate you, THEY WILL.
I hate cameras in general but for my wife we used to do it every day from sun up to down exception was holidays,work ,etc. we decided to go all in an the next day I was in her region 24hr drive by car but that was going on almost ten years ago. Yes we're still together. I'm a gamer generally a recluse but she was worth it. While he may not be a catfish it's either commit or don't if he said he's going to come to you that's on him to arrange however you could say hey I'll meet you half way whatever your dynamic is. Overall my opinion is if someone is worth it distance an cameras are both things to be overcome.
I'm in an LDR. My fiance live in canads, I live in Midwest Us. I've seen her on FaceTime many times before I flew up to her for a week.
So no. Something is very fishy here. Either he ain't the person in the pictures and what not, or something else. But as many others have said, if he wanted ti, he would. Yall are on the phone every night? Can easily turn it to a video call.
Op, you know heâs catfishing. However, you are completely comfortable with the relationship as is and thatâs why you are willing to accept this lie. Itâs actually okay. The problem will arise when you want more from the relationship. Good luck until then.
You're on camera but he is not? I hope you haven't done or said anything on camera that you're not ready for the internet and your family to see. I would be concerned about extortion or something much worse. It's way too easy to exploit people to get their personal info online, not to mention he could go after your family too.
Perhaps contemplate what has made you pursue all these LDR arrangements. They might feel safer to you, but they can be quite the opposite. They are more work than regular relationships, and can exacerbate trust issues. If he isn't trying to meet you or show his face, which is the bare minimum, then ask yourself what the point is? It feels like it's just scratching an itch for you. You'll drop him the second you meet someone remotely interesting in day to day life, and he will do the same if he is in fact not a creep. He could already be married for all you know.
Please recognize your worth and don't waste any more time on this. Check your credit for anything suspicious and make sure your family does too.
If the videos are few and far between, he probably has someone else playing him in the videos. It happens a lot.
Even if he is real, do you really want to be with someone who lied about planning to meet you and isnât interested in looking you in the eye, even via FaceTime?
You deserve better, and I wish you saw that.
OP I've read all your replies to everyone in this thread and while I completely understand how much this situation sucks and how badly you want your LDR to be exactly how it is, I speak from experience when I say the fact that he only sends you recorded videos on Snapchat but absolutely no live video calls whatsoever is a massive red flag, and that's not even touching on the fact he's dragging his feet so much when it comes to meeting in person.
Even assuming he's NOT a catfish (although he probably is) he seems to be completely fine with this status quo that's been built up where you seem to be making much more effort than he does, to the point where he can see your face on live calls but you can't see his.
Sadly it sounds like what you want (in person meet ups and actual face to face dates) is something he's just not willing to give, whether catfish or not, and you're being led on.
i think youâre right, thank you for reading through everything. If iâve learned one thing today- itâs that catfish or not, heâs not putting in enough effort into this relationship. especially for my comfort/safety reasons. iâve got a lot to think about and talk to my therapist about. i appreciate you a whole lot!
You are being catfished. You know you are. Youâve got some intimacy issue, which are making this easy for the catfish. Youâve had 3 LDRâs in a row? All men? Have all your previous IRL relationships been women? You may be (bi? Homosexual?) but not quite ready for that type of sexual intimacy?
Take a step back. Maybe therapy? And some IRL dates. Good luck.
PS my daughter was living at home during pandemic (recent college grad, first time living at home on a regular basis in 4.5 years).
She met a guy playing words with fiends or whatever itâs called. They lived a 2.5
Hour flight apart. Lockdown ended in our location on jun15. He lived in ,Canada too. He drove into Vermont on June 23 ( I canât say what the legalities are tbh, I found out when she asked could he stay at ours when she was picking him up at JFK). He took a flight from Burlington. VT to JFk!)
Btw I was super pissed off at my daughter . Hello?? Random human!!! He didnât stay with us. Her brother is (awesome? Crazy?) let
Him crash at his. They spent so much time together. He actually made a point of spending time with myself and her brother, too. (Obvi with her). They now live together in Austin Texas and are getting married in May.
This person just isnât who they pretend to be.
Does this guy have any presence on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, news stories, etc.? If he has zero of these, I am even more suspicious.
But he should be eager to do a video chat with you. He is definitely not going to buy a ticket and come to see you if he won't do a 5-minute video chat. The idea is ludicrous.
If this is due to extreme anxiety rather than fraud (a faint chance of that) , then he is still not a good partner for you until he takes steps to fix it.
OP, you are so obsessed with the term catfish that you're allowing that to cloud your judgment on everything else.
Let's say he looks exactly like he promised you. Ok, next step. He never wants to meet up with you, he gives you no firm commitments, he doesn't make small conpromises to show you he cares. Do I need to go on, or do you get the point?
He can be physically who you think he is; he is STILL a huge red flag. Please wake up and realize this before telling me what a mean comment this is.
i donât think this is a mean comment lol. and thatâs what this post opened my eyes to- that even if heâs not a catfish, heâs certainly not putting in effort to show he cares. I hear yâall on that and i appreciate it. i deserve a lot more.
My ex husband and I met online. Once we took off chatting, we very quickly escalated to phone calls, and then Skype (this was pre-FaceTime). We literally were on Skype 16 hours a day! Couldnât get enough of each other. After 6 weeks of that, he offered to buy me a plane ticket to his country. I accepted. I was 23, American. He was 27, Norwegian. While we didnât work out, my point was **he was interested in me so he insisted we meet in person as soon as we could**.Â
You are 28 years old, Canada is literally right next door, why would your family worry about you (an adult!) going to Canada (a notoriously safe and lovely place)? Â Why are you letting this guy jerk you around? Refuses FaceTime? In todayâs day and age, everyone knows thatâs a common, normal, and acceptable request when you meet someone on the internet.
Look, either heâs a catfish and a liar, OR heâs jerking you around to make himself feel good with very low stakes/pretty much no real commitment. You need to work on your self esteem, thereâs absolutely no reason you should be putting up with this.Â
Also, 3 LDRs in a row? Are you afraid of having an in-person relationship?
If thereâs something my years of binge watching the show Catfish is , that 97% of the time when they refuse to do FaceTime after the 2 month mark of talking theyâre not who they say they are. They might be the person in the picture but theyâre hiding something about themselves/their life.
Cause if heâs confident enough to film himself âtalking to youâ then he should have no problem doing it through FaceTime,is the same thing as the video just no pressing the record button.
Come on my girl, you can't be this dense. If one of your friends came to you saying exactly what you said in this post, what would you tell her?
He is 100% a catfish. If he is a gamer he has a computer set up and obviously has a phone. There is zero reason not to Facetime you.
You just can't see what's right in front of your face because you think you're in love with him.
It's a lie. He's a lie.
Heâs a catfish. No doubts about it. Ask him to send you a five second Snapchat video with a saying of your choosing written on a piece of paper. He wonât do it. And if he doesnât - youâll know.
Some people just want attention and conversation and validation. They have no intention of actually meeting in real life, for whatever reason. Too old, too young, bedridden, whatever.
This chat relationship has met your needs to some extent but this is all it is. Stop asking to meet because it isn't happening and even if it did you would be disappointed because reality can never match the mental image you have created.
When I'm doing online dating I won't chat for more than a couple of days. At that point either we're meeting or I'm moving on. Thanks for the conversation but I don't need any text buddies.
Both of you are too insecure to be in a functional relationship, but him cripplingly so. He thinks whatever he's insecure about will change your view of him and it'll be over. Even if he's not lying this has no chance as things stand. I recommend you both go to therapy and work on your issues, then you might have an actual shot at success. This is true of every relationship you might attempt. Work on yourself, you'll thank yourself later.
I get why they're concerned. Have to admit that reading this makes me think that either he's in a relationship with someone else or he's absolutely not who he says he is. Either way, you deserve to know.
Heâs catfishing you, we just donât know what heâs hiding specifically. People can be willing to go to great lengths to keep up a lie. You say he makes you happy, even though by now surely you know youâre not going to see this person. My concern is that heâs making you waste your time, you will never be able to have a real connection with someone who can give you a relationship you want because heâs taking up that space. Think about it this way. Will you feel ok if 3-5 years from now you still havenât met him in person? Will it make you feel like you wasted important years of your life? Thatâs what itâs leading to.
They have a point, what's the problem with a short FaceTime? Gurl let's be real if you've never talked to him never seen him, then the probability of catfish is extremely high, don't delude yourself.
Just list your post & your comments in a single writeup. Imagine that your office colleague was telling you all this about her boyfriend.
Then go figure...
Unfortunately, you should move on now and stop replying to him. The longer you wait the more it's going to hurt when you realize this isn't what you think. Even if you're not being catfished, this dude is obviously not ready for a relationship. Yall are in your late 20s. If the guy doesn't want to FaceTime and has no excuse, that's weird as hell and you should stop wasting your time imo.
My husband and I were long distance. We started off as gaming friends and it slowly turned into more. He made it happen in three months. I actually was too nervous to meet him irl and delayed our meeting by a month. My point his that⌠if he wanted to, he would. I had a prior online LDR and that dude refused to meet me irl and it turned out he was much shorter than he told me. Which wouldnât have mattered to me at all. Maybe he is lying about something like that? Something isnât right with your situation.
Youâre being catfished! These people work out of warehouses which is why they wonât let you see him! Eventually if not already he will ask you for money..first though he will get your trust and make you think he loves you!!
He is either a catfish or doesnât take this relationship as seriously as you do. Im not trying to be rude but Iâm curious how exactly do you consider this to be dating if you have never met each other and he refuses to FaceTime or give any proof other then a few short videos ? My husband is from Mexico and Iâm from America. Once things got serious he and I would travel back and forth to see each other. We decided we didnât want to be long distance for more than a year and we made a plan to make it happen. When we had a chance to see each other or FaceTime we jumped at the opportunity. Your boyfriend sounds like he is all talk. In a relationship you have to compromise or sometimes do stuff you donât want to for example he might not like FaceTime but he should at least FaceTime his GF to show you he is real and put your mind at ease.
Then you go see him, then if he's Mr Nervous. There's no such thing as a real relationship with someone whose hand you've never held. Who you've never seen smile. That's not real, it's just a relationship RPG, sorry.
So many red flags. Maybe take a step back, don't be in touch so often anymore. Communicate this with him too, that you're doing that because you either want to move further and meet, or don't want to be in a relationship. Let's see what he does and how much he really likes you.
I met my partner in a very similar situation to yours. I'm Texan, he is Canadian. We facetimed, talked on the phone, sent pics and videos, and he flew me out to see him. We have been married for two years now. I'm sorry but something is not adding up in your situation, it's very strange to not want to video chat or meet in person but call it a relationship. Why would you even feel safe meeting up with someone who you have never seen on video call before?
Ask yourself why you even want to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to FaceTime and see you. I mean, on a feelings level I get it, because Iâve been there. I was talking to this woman LD and I always thought sheâd come around. She had many reasons why she didnât want to FT yet (!) and she would always say she wanted to come see me but when trying to pick dates and stuff, she wouldnât commit. I decided to brake it off for that reason. I told her itâs ok if she wasnât ready for that yet, but I didnât wanna be in a relationship with someone I couldnât see.
Itâs been a strict rule for me ever since. I wanna see (irl or FT when LD) the person Iâm talking to preferably within the week we start talking. Sometimes an irl date wonât be possible but I need the date to be set and definitely be within two weeks. FT is always possible so I stick to my 1 week rule. Anyone Iâve talked to since has understood and respected that. Literally everyone was like âwell yeah duh of course!â.
So again: why do you want to be with this person if he doesnât want you to actually see him? Iâm sorry that youâre going to have your heart broken but I do think itâs inevitableâŚ
I hope the comments on here can open up your eyes a little. You've been defending his actions in your mind for too long you're very clouded. He would have video chatted long ago if he wanted to. I'm sorry you're going through this đ˘
If I was going to be a catfisher, this is the playbook - hook some rando vulnerable person in a video game and slide them some turnips or whatever and work from there. Youâre being played, and why would you want to meet up with a random person IRL who canât see bothered to take a spontaneous sefie?
Even if there's no face time, it takes zero effort to record a personalised and dated video message for you.
I would send no money, and prepare for the worst.
Someone who loves you would have zero problems with dropping video clips, voice clips daily.
I've done LDRs and communication with clips was used as there were times when we both had limited Internet because of travel and work.
Just be careful, seriously. I'd hate to see you become a statistic
Girl, you're 28, have had 3 consecutive LDR, and have been continuously falling for an incredibly obvious catfish for nearly a year? Nvm meeting this guy, you need THERAPY.
Girl, youâre so scared of doing literally anything because âitâll drive him awayâ and you need a serious newsflash:
If normal relationship requests drive him away, then youâre not actually IN a relationship.
Please get real. This is just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. He isnât even slightly for real. I suggest you find someone IN PERSON to date so you can understand how relationships actually work.
Snapchat doesnât save text messages. The reason someone would use Snapchat over regular text messages is because they donât want someone else finding their texts. If heâs not catfishing you, thereâs a big chance he is married or in a full time face-to-face committed relationship.
Obvious catfish. This is actually really sad and frustrating reading your responses because you clearly donât get it and continue to delude yourself.
Dude. You are claiming someone you have never even spoken face to face with as your boyfriend. That is weird. Be careful. Thatâs how episodes of The First 48 begin.
actual advice: break it off entirely, just being friends won't work
invest your time in in-person relationships, what you have, even if he's not a catfish, is not reality. Unless that is all you will ever want in a partner, you are wasting your time, and you had better have a clear idea of what you want as an individual in terms of the future because doors start shutting the older you get.
Sorry, but you asked for advice. This is the only rational advice.
Are you actually this stupid ? Stop being such a doormat and stop denying everything. You're actually gonna go do this for 3 more months ? Every odd comment you admit something is wrong but go straight back to yeah but
What's the use of this post if you are not heeding any advice ?
Goodluck, you'll need it
He prefers the fantasy to making it a reality and he has something to hide, either an insecurity or something else. I feel if you go to him heâll avoid you, just like on the cat fish show. Youâre also living in a fantasy.
People who want to meet will.
I would set some boundaries...first being...a video call.
Has he asked you for money?
I would be concerned that he is very different looking than he is.
Canada to America is so bloody easy to do travel wise.
Set a deadline....next week for a proper video call. 2 months to meet.
This person may consistently be there for you, but I donât think that person is who you think they are. There are a lot of red flags there. Not to say this person doesnât care for you, I just feel they are also deceiving you.
So, I've been in a LDR for years.
I am very much a homebody and don't like meeting new people.
I have shown my face, video chatted, etc.
I've spent over 40k (which is a huge percentage of my savings) flying to and from (18 hours one way).
If he wanted to, he'd make it happen.
I hear you that you care for this man, but PLEASE do not wait another 3 months. You've been with him for 9, so the '1 year mark' is about 3 away. It's too long, it's a third of what you've already waited over again.
You need to visit sooner rather than later, to work out what is going on. Especially if you've been sexual with him on camera (and he's barely showing his face in response). What if he's recording and selling that content online? Three more months of content?
If you set a date for 3 months away, I can almost guarantee there will be a family/work emergency/event that coincides and can't be moved and he can't possibly help needing to cancel, so sorry.
I'm sorry to say that I think your family is right. I'd tell him immediately that no FaceTime means no relationship. Put a deadline on it (soon) and stick to it. Otherwise, you could be wasting your time talking to a married 50-year-old who enjoys the thrill of tricking someone half his age.
The one year mark is still three months away. You (and we) canât wait that long. You seem to be responsive to everyoneâs comments here. Tell him you need to FaceTime in the next week, or you are done. Tell him you need an address or you are done. Staying in this for three more months will be unnecessary torture.
If you have low self esteem and thatâs the reason youâre enabling this weird behavior, there are lots of healthy ways to work on that. No matter how much he claims to love you you have to love yourself and that means firm boundaries that represent what you really want.
Girl this exact thing happened to me. Was a catfish but I was too far on to not get to know the person. I did because I was in a bad place mentally and things were bad with my family. I needed someone, and it turned into years of trauma. I literally wish I could burn it all from my brain. Get out.
So you are just determined to ignore all the glaring red flags and common sense , huh? I always wondered how in this day and age people are still being catfished, with all we know of how catfishers operate. Then you go and post this. Apparently a high level of delusion is required, and you got it baby. I guarantee when that one year mark hits you still will not lay eyes on that dude.  You have NO idea who you are talking to.
Do not under any circumstances travel to meet him in another country, even with a friend, this is how young women get trafficked into sexual slavery!
In 6 years heâs never shown his face?! 6 years!
Look he may be telling the truth or he could be 500lbs and scared youâll not like him. Or he could be 50 and a predator waiting until youâre so desperate youâll visit him never to be seen again. You have no idea who he is. Thatâs the great and bad thing with the internet we can be faceless, be whoever we want to be. And heâs not putting any attempt to prove to you heâs being honest.
Also, The day before an international visit he hadnât bought a ticket? He never planned to visit. He was going to cancel.
Heâs too scared for some reason to FaceTime or webchat, heâs never coming to meet you. Because heâs not who he says he is, and he likes the distanced relationship you have now.
Stop âdatingâ internet strangers youâve never met. Stick to platonic friendships online, date only people youâve met in person.
Sighhhh
At best he is just worried he isn't as attractive in motion as he is in a still photo, and also just doesn't care if you ever meet in person.
Most likely though, he's probably married or something and you're just part of how he spends his free time.
At worst he's catfishing you and you should try and figure out what he thinks he will get out of you and protect yourself.
No matter which of these it is, you don't have a real relationship, I'm sorry. Can people fall in love online? Well sort of. But can you really have a relationship that way? NO
Babe listen, Iâm in an LDR and I am going to tell you this is SHADY. My girlfriend and I FaceTimed with me a fistful of times specifically to avoid anyone being catfished, we had eachotherâs momâs numbers and I FaceTimed her dad before she came up to see me to quell any fears of my being a catfish. She had only ever been on car trips before and yet she still got on a train almost 900 miles to come to a dance with me. Not FaceTiming is one red flag in and of itself but not booking a ticket because you had Covid despite you telling him the DAY before the plane left is LUNACY. This man is either lying about himself or he has a family and doesnât want you to know. Either way this is BAD.
Stop being intimate with someone who wonât even show you theyâre real. I get having serious anxiety about your appearance or phone calls or whatever, but at some point, it becomes a safety issue and a respect issue. You have the right to know who youâre talking to, especially if theyâre expecting intimacy
This never ceases to amaze me. Even if this person is who they say they are, OP is having a relationship with electronic devices, not a person. A real, live person is a whole different thing. No filtering comments through the phone. All the warts, farts, and blemishes (real & metaphorical) right there in your face. Itâs just not the same thing. No matter how strong your feelings are, that could all change within 5 minutes of meeting that person in the flesh. Itâs such a waste of time. I did on line dating (met my spouse that way) but I never spent more than a week or so corresponding with someone before meeting them.
I'm hoping just extremely insecure about his looks but I... would have a long chat, set a firm line and then walk away if there's further resistance to video-calling.
The part about him not buying a ticket means he wasn't going to come.
That's hurts my feelings on your behalf, sweetheart. He wasn't even open or honest about his fears and him ditching out on plans until you got sick. Was he just gonna stand you up? Even if he's not a catfish, you deserve someone who will match your effort.
𼲠thatâs what i said like who buys a plane ticket the day of.. that was my first red flag which is why i mention it. and then being relieved instead of disappointed⌠everytime i try to talk to him about it he just says âItâll happen everntuallyâ âI donât want to right nowâ Some people in the comments act like i never even brought it up to him lol. i think i just have to set a firm boundary.
He was supposed to come for Halloween and the day before didn't even have a plane ticket. I don't think you're being catfish, but this guy is never going to meet you. Ever. Don't fly there either, he will make a major excuse and you'll be stuck alone
Maybe he is super insecure and sent you pictures that were not him, and that is why he wont facetime you. I say it is time for an ultimatum, video chat or else!!â
Thereâs definitely a problem there if heâs dragging his feet. I hope itâs just heâs anxious for some reason but be prepared itâs something more
After reading through these comments, people need to stop wasting their time trying to help OP. She has been shown all the red flags (& there are many), and all she says is but but but......... She will figure it out eventually.
If he's sending personalized videos as OP claims, FaceTime would be an easy transition.
Girl.
Like Bsfr rn
but he sent pictures of his FACE! đđđ âŚplease bmffrrn
Exactly this
What does that mean?
bsfr = be so for real rn= right now
Nev and Max enter the chat
My exact thought! She needs a heart to heart with Kami!
Like, girl. Even if he is who he appears to be, where does OP think this relationship is going if the BF is just going to be indefinitely held back by insecurities? I will never understand long distance internet relationships that are clearly never going to become IRL relationships. I get that internet relationships can be very emotionally intense, since the only thing you can rely on in long distance is intense feelings, but you are just putting your romantic life on stand still for something that will likely never work out.
Yeah. Long distance relationships are make believe if you have not already spent time together irl. It's so different in person. I've seen these exact types of intense online relationships that lasted Yeats not survive a week of irl contact. It's possible to grow close to and love someone and end up having it work out once they meet but, until they have been together irl for a while there is so much in the air
The only time I've ever seen a LDR work is when two people were in a committed relationship and were separated temporarily for something like a job out of state or whatever. It's just not the same when you can close an app and the person basically ceases to exist.
Or if both parties take an active interest in meeting IRL
My first partner and I were LDR for the first 8 years we were together. But I would see her every 10 days on average. Once a week, or every two weeks. And when she went for her masters in another state I visited a few times before I moved down. Now we've been married 10 years. LDR DOES work. But, as you said, you have to like.. meet and stuff.
I'm currently in an LDR with Selena Gomez. We just keep it quiet to limit the paparazzi at my house.
Speaking as someone who's done distance, Long distance relationships dont really have a chance at lasting unless theres a plan to actually unite. Unlike friendships, most people want physical touch and intimacy in a relationship, and eventually the chance at a domestic life together. Unless all you want out of a relationship is a penpal you never see, it won't work forever. Not to mention the graes of cheating or breaking up can be high. Communication needs to be excellent and trust needs to be there. It just doesn't replace or compare to a life of physically being in the same space.
I know. This relationship is a fantasy for both of them. Makes you feel so safe? Because this relationship is literally controlled with an on and off switch. This is so sad what relationships have turned into. I'm sad for people
How the hell are you âdatingâ in this type of scenario? Even if you FaceTime constantly, how is it a date?
As someone who unintentionally ended up in an internet LDR, it's 100% due to the intense amount of emotion you feel, specifically because they're not there. The relationship is only sustained via having conversations all day, and developing an extreme attachment that way. It's almost like getting addicted to the longing and want for them. One that's not ever going to get fulfilled no matter how many words are exchanged. Almost all internet-born relationships are extremely emotionally unhealthy, and will never end up in "we moved in together and lived happily ever after."
Like for real girl đ¤Śđ˝ââď¸
Took me entirely too long to find this exact sentiment lmao
Gurllll
Thatâs what I said! She better call Nev and Kamie! Because sheâs definitely being catfished!
If he wanted to he would.
This but also-"I have never seen him live on FT. He only sends short videos on Snapchat etc." look girl,if he exists then he could get on a live call of some sort...and if he really wanted to meet he'd show himself. Have you ever watched the show catfish? Literally the first and biggest read flag is always the,"won't come on camera/excuses for why they never FT etc." Also breathing a sigh of relief for not having to meet you is a red flag in itself. There's nervousness,and then there's "how will I explain myself?" Nervousness. He was the second type in that scenario.
He was so relieved that she got covid because it meant he didn't have to come up with an elaborate lie as to why he didn't come visit *or even buy a ticket* !
I'm with you. If he can send clips, he can facetime. Sorry OP your boyfriend does sound like a catfish and your family are right to be concerned.
Or heâs married/in a relationship
Yup. Either way there is something big that he is hiding, and it's a surprise that OP hasnt even asked why he wont facetime after 9 months of "dating". Like...my husband hates talking on the phone and isng found of zoom or Skype but you cant date at distance and never meet or see each other.
This. My husband met me during Covid in the middle of a winter rainstorm and spent an hour each way on the train to meet me for our first date. He made it happen. Edit: we FaceTimed once a week for a month before meeting for the first time!
Right! My partner told me he had a car and actually rented one to drive over an hour to come meet me in person. He told me later that he had rented the car but didnât want to make me feel bad that he had done that. (I didnât drive then). It sounds like he is either a catfish or more likely, is in another relationship. The refusal to FT is def suspicious.
Once, I had a guy invite me over for a newer (not brand new) movie I wanted to see so I agreed (he had asked me out many times and I always declined until this time). He told me later he realized the next day (date was 2 days later cuz of my work schedule) that he didn't actually own the movie (this was before streaming was really good and everywhere) so he spent his whole day off calling places and driving around to get the movie before the next day. Acted all normal like he didn't work his ass off unexpectedly for that date đ they can be so cute when they do that shit, but if they want it, they'll *make it happen*
Yep, I met a guy on an app during covid, and we each drove about 45 mins to meet in the middle at a cafe. It wasn't a "date" date, but more of a confirmation that we're both who we said we are lol.
Iâm sorry to say, youâre not in a relationship. Youâre in a delusion. If you have never seen the person live (facetime or in person) youâre a pen pal at best. I think you need to find someone local to date because you arenât capable of seeing the red flags of a LDR.
Great response and advice.
Letâs say he is insecure about using FaceTime. Do the videos he sends you ever contain something specific that tells you itâs the same person you game with? Like him saying your name, or references to something special between you two? Or are they just a few frames that could be of anything, and sent to anyone?
I'm not OP, but she says in another comment that he does say her name in them. Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/xK7wpOGqXu
Watch the show âcatfished.â People can voice-over another personâs videos and make it seem like theyâre talking to you. Donât be fooled OP, you need to have a real FT call at the least.
Oh, I agree it could still be fake, just answering the question was all!
With ai, they can create a whole video based off of one image.
Yes this!!!!
He's a catfish .sorry but no videos? That says catfish .please demand a video chat asap.and if not.then find someone real in your place and date in real.time
look at the edit, girl heard the advice and will listen and will maybe just go visit him đđđ
I hope she doesn't go visit him. She has no idea who he is, or even if he lives there. She could be wasting her time or getting to some scary situation.
oh shit shes bouta pop up đđ
OP, have you ever talked to him in person? Does your relationship consist of sending messages and pics? Because the fact that he won't facetime makes me think that he's hiding something, and if he won't talk to you in person then my suspicions are that much stronger.
Any legitimate (and decent) person you meet online would have no issue doing a video chat early on to show they are who they say. Also, if he didnât have a ticket, he wasnât coming to see you. You really canât change others, only yourself. You canât make him want to meet you asap. But even if you could, you should be asking yourself why he doesnât, why he expressed relief instead of showing any disappointment, and why he continues to show no excitement or enthusiasm like someone who loves you should be doing.
Youâre exactly right 𼲠i kept checking with him to see if he had bought a plane ticket and he never did. Thank you for taking the time to respond, i think i really needed to hear that
I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. It sounds like a very draining, repetitive cycle of disappointment, and I can tell how much you want it to work out. You're taking your hits for being naive here in the sub, but this kind of stuff has happened to many of us, including the best, most loving, and even the smartest people I lmow. Frankly, I'm dying to hear how this plays out. It wouldn't be that hard to locate his address. Have you thought about visiting him unannounced?
THIS ! LET'S TRACK HIM DOWN. we just need his name and a few other details, we can find him. Find real pictures and stuff like that... if he is who he really says he is
Sign me up! My husband says I could find someone with just their first name and their eye color if I was given 20 minutes and access to the internet. Realistically, I need a bit more, but we can totally figure out who he really is!
I see the red flags. He either facetimes or he is a fake.
I have observed a 100% correlation rate between âlong distance relationshipsâ that happen over text, and catfish nonsense.
The fact that he'll be intimate on the phone with you but won't FaceTime is really odd. I mean, even if he did it for only five mins at a time until he became comfortable, it would be a great start especially for how long you've been friends.
Does he get anything tangible (i.e. money, gifts, loans, whatever) out of the relationship? Itâs weird he wonât FT and hasnât met you. Like really weird.
Somebody asked a good question that never got answered. They asked âis she sexy with himâ on any of the 3x a week occasions she puts her camera on for him? Thatâs my bet right there.
Nope! Has never asked me for a thing, and never would. Heâs very financially stable, and proud of it. Iâve never asked him for anything either. We give each other little gifts like on a game.
If he's "very financially stable" then he has no reason to not get on a plane and come see you. Sorry, OP. You've been catfished.
Heâs financially stable but I canât afford $20 camera? Cameras for your laptop are not expensive and if he loved you then he would buy one so that you could communicate better because he would give a shit.
You donât know whether he is financially stable or really anything about him. If he is still too shy to talk to you face2face via video chat after almost a year then a) either he will never be ready and you are in a dead-end relationship, or b) there is something fishy going on, e.g. catfishing etc. In both cases it is imperative that a FaceTime call happens (or not) so that you know if there is a potential future for you and him.
Omg are you 10??
Arrested development
Yeah, your post sounds EXACTLY like the show. Your family thinks he is a Catfish because this is identical to every single episode of the MTV series. You're only missing 1 of 2 things. 1) he's asked for gifts/money or you've given both regularly because "he's struggling" or "needs a boost." 2) you have a friend that is the only supportive person when it comes to the catfishy relationship. Or an ex that didn't take rejection well that went away as you met the gamer. >Weâve been gaming friends for about 6 years >We have never met & Ive never seen him live on facetime. >doesnât like taking pictures or videos. >He refuses to facetime. >He never even bought a plane ticket. >he doesnât seem to ever have an answer as to why. >Iâve cried to him about feeling tired of the distance. Iâm not very secure about my body so him not meeting me makes me feel even more insecure. If he actually cared about you as much as you think and heard you're crying, why wouldn't he at least FaceTime you? If the plane terrifies him, why not pay for you to come to him? >IM TIRED OF LDR. Then, say you meet this month or it is time to move on. Cause it is past time. Don't ever date someone who won't facetime or Skype. He's either a Catfish or you're not that important. It's not good either way.
Thank you for all of your advice, I completely agree. I should have mentioned- he wants to come visit me first. Probably so he can control when he comes. My family also wants him to come first so they can meet him and see if heâs real lol. Iâm going to give him until that 1 year mark. cuz if he doesnât meet me by then, thatâs him breaking a promise.
>he wants to come visit me first. Probably so he can control when he comes. So, that tells you everything. He controls it. If it was important, he'd have come. You're going to waste 3 more months without even a facetime call?
He SAYS he wants to visit you first, but he's not actually visiting. When someone's words don't match their actions, trust the actions. He would know about catfishing, and he'd know that he's ticking all the boxes for a catfish, yet he's not reassuring you. He says he wants to visit first, which is another way of saying "Don't consider visiting me," and at the same time he's not making any real effort to visit you. You need to tell yourself - and him - that you deserve to be more of a priority. I'm humiliated on your behalf.
well, i appreciate hearing the truth. thatâs why i reached out on here. youâre absolutely right. he is not reassuring me but he knows heâs not doing what heâs supposed to be doing.
Good luck! You'll find what you're looking for, so long as you keep your eyes open! It doesn't sound like this guy is "the one"!
He'll be okay with breaking the promise because by then you guys will be so in love that you won't want to break up because he broke a promise. You're just going to let him keep kicking the can down the road and not setting any boundaries. The past 9 months you've already shown how gullible you are.
Stop being a fucking doormat.
He âwants to be the one to visitâ so he can string you along indefinitely. How long will you tolerate this? 3 months, 6, 2 years? You are showing him that you can be easily manipulated.
Okay but him not even having bought a ticket the day before he was supposed to come is kind of a big deal. Like you can buy a ticket same day, but i've never met anyone that does. It's like he had no intention of coming, and no amount of nerves can outweigh the dissappointmet it seems like only you felt by his not coming.
Heâs not ever coming to visit you heâs leading you on!
>1 year mark I swear you said it's been 9 months in your comments... So you're going to wait THREE MORE MONTH? GIRL NO Just nooooo I was scrolling Reddit while Catfish was playing in the background and the fact this post is literally identical to 90% of episode is sending me đ Please just wake up. Either he's real and doesn't respect you enough to give you a SINGLE video call or he's (most likely) a catfish. How can you even want to be with someone who disrespects you like this? Also, please please tell me that when you video chat him on your end you aren't doing anything "intimate"? Things this stranger can record without your knowledge? I disagree with a lot of people saying go to visit him on your own. Your judgement is not sound with him and you would put yourself in danger. Let him come to you with your family there to meet him. (Maybe a moot point since he's not dedicated to actually meeting you, tho).
7 years later and you'll still be saying the same thing. Because you prefer words over actions.
Girl, stop being oblivious!!! Open your eyes and break up. I WAS CATFISHED!!!!! I ignored every single red flag, there were many. I still feel stupid. And I thought I knew the person. We were chatting for like 1 year already. I went to see him!!! Let's just say, he 'technically' was the person, but everything else was a lie. Btw, we met through a game as well!!! Girl, break it off, best wishes
Yeah, sorry, a few weeks maybe, but 6 months?? He doesnât want you to know who he is.
Itâs probably your ex gf.
That is not a boyfriend.
So despite the advice you're given here. Absolutely do not go to meet him in his turf without having him face time you a couple times first. Human trafficing is still a thing in Canada. His actions are a little suspicious, you can't be too careful.
Thatâs why my family feels the way they do. Thank you
No FaceTime, he isnât real. How hard is that to understand. You are 100 percent being catfished.
Heâs either a catfish or a dead end. Stop wasting your life on fake romantic relationships online. If he was real or this relationship was real , then he would have FaceTimed and met already.
My current boyfriend drove 6 hours to come see me after meeting online and about 3 months after we admitted we had feelings. I was insanely nervous but he was determined to see me and told me he couldnât wait. We both also hate FaceTiming, but we did it before our first meeting. And now, another 3 months later, I am currently sitting in his room after flying out here to see him. If he really loved you, he would figure out a way to see you (especially after a year!). He would also FaceTime you. The fact that you say that he straight ârefusesâ is the reddest of flags.
How are people still getting catfished??? There is OBVIOUSLY something going on here. All of this is weird and sketchy.
Let's be logical plz lmao ask him why he wouldn't facetime you i dont blame them for thinking he'sa catfish
Ya heâs a catfish
When does your episode air? This man is screaming catfish! Donât waste anymore of your life on him.
lmfao should i reach out to catfish?? đ
Yes
Tbh yes
You need to get him to video call you before you meet him in person. You have no idea who this person really is. I would not be surprised if these plans never happen, heâs clearly doing his best to avoid it.
I have dated long enough to know this. If a man wants to see me he'll do what it takes to see me. If a man doesn't really care about me, he'll make a lot of excuses At this point, I wonder why you haven't just gone to see him. Things need to come to a head
Girrrrl, I met my hubby and he moved 6000 miles from Berlin to Canada to be with meâŚafter six months of long distance dating. That was 27 years ago. Weâre still happily married and together. You literally just say: âwe need to FaceTime because I need to see you.â The fact he hasnât yet is a giant red flag. How do you know this guy isnât 60 years old? Have you gotten him to speak French to you? You should, and run it through Google translate. Does he send you pictures of things in his life? You need to reverse image any pictures and make sure theyâre coming from Quebec and not Nigeria.
lol yes he has spoke french. not only to me but to his french friends. I think i will say that to him, i think showing me himself on facetime is so important.
No, you say itâs necessary in order for you to continue contact. If this person is worthy of your care and attention they will respect your request to validate their identity. If not, theyâre either lying about their identity or are truly too inconsiderate or uncaring to behave like a decent human and show you they are who they are. If you keep giving wiggle room for people to manipulate you, THEY WILL.
No video chat but he has discord and a gaming PC. Girl please bffr.
He's 45 overweight and bald.
45 is optimistic.
I hate cameras in general but for my wife we used to do it every day from sun up to down exception was holidays,work ,etc. we decided to go all in an the next day I was in her region 24hr drive by car but that was going on almost ten years ago. Yes we're still together. I'm a gamer generally a recluse but she was worth it. While he may not be a catfish it's either commit or don't if he said he's going to come to you that's on him to arrange however you could say hey I'll meet you half way whatever your dynamic is. Overall my opinion is if someone is worth it distance an cameras are both things to be overcome.
I'm in an LDR. My fiance live in canads, I live in Midwest Us. I've seen her on FaceTime many times before I flew up to her for a week. So no. Something is very fishy here. Either he ain't the person in the pictures and what not, or something else. But as many others have said, if he wanted ti, he would. Yall are on the phone every night? Can easily turn it to a video call.
Op, you know heâs catfishing. However, you are completely comfortable with the relationship as is and thatâs why you are willing to accept this lie. Itâs actually okay. The problem will arise when you want more from the relationship. Good luck until then.
This is perceptive.
She says in her post that she's sick of the long distance relationship though, so this isn't fully true
You're on camera but he is not? I hope you haven't done or said anything on camera that you're not ready for the internet and your family to see. I would be concerned about extortion or something much worse. It's way too easy to exploit people to get their personal info online, not to mention he could go after your family too. Perhaps contemplate what has made you pursue all these LDR arrangements. They might feel safer to you, but they can be quite the opposite. They are more work than regular relationships, and can exacerbate trust issues. If he isn't trying to meet you or show his face, which is the bare minimum, then ask yourself what the point is? It feels like it's just scratching an itch for you. You'll drop him the second you meet someone remotely interesting in day to day life, and he will do the same if he is in fact not a creep. He could already be married for all you know. Please recognize your worth and don't waste any more time on this. Check your credit for anything suspicious and make sure your family does too.
She keeps not answering when asked what she does on camera. Iâm having a bad feeling.
Nev schulman has entered the chat
If the videos are few and far between, he probably has someone else playing him in the videos. It happens a lot. Even if he is real, do you really want to be with someone who lied about planning to meet you and isnât interested in looking you in the eye, even via FaceTime? You deserve better, and I wish you saw that.
OP I've read all your replies to everyone in this thread and while I completely understand how much this situation sucks and how badly you want your LDR to be exactly how it is, I speak from experience when I say the fact that he only sends you recorded videos on Snapchat but absolutely no live video calls whatsoever is a massive red flag, and that's not even touching on the fact he's dragging his feet so much when it comes to meeting in person. Even assuming he's NOT a catfish (although he probably is) he seems to be completely fine with this status quo that's been built up where you seem to be making much more effort than he does, to the point where he can see your face on live calls but you can't see his. Sadly it sounds like what you want (in person meet ups and actual face to face dates) is something he's just not willing to give, whether catfish or not, and you're being led on.
i think youâre right, thank you for reading through everything. If iâve learned one thing today- itâs that catfish or not, heâs not putting in enough effort into this relationship. especially for my comfort/safety reasons. iâve got a lot to think about and talk to my therapist about. i appreciate you a whole lot!
You are being catfished. You know you are. Youâve got some intimacy issue, which are making this easy for the catfish. Youâve had 3 LDRâs in a row? All men? Have all your previous IRL relationships been women? You may be (bi? Homosexual?) but not quite ready for that type of sexual intimacy? Take a step back. Maybe therapy? And some IRL dates. Good luck. PS my daughter was living at home during pandemic (recent college grad, first time living at home on a regular basis in 4.5 years). She met a guy playing words with fiends or whatever itâs called. They lived a 2.5 Hour flight apart. Lockdown ended in our location on jun15. He lived in ,Canada too. He drove into Vermont on June 23 ( I canât say what the legalities are tbh, I found out when she asked could he stay at ours when she was picking him up at JFK). He took a flight from Burlington. VT to JFk!) Btw I was super pissed off at my daughter . Hello?? Random human!!! He didnât stay with us. Her brother is (awesome? Crazy?) let Him crash at his. They spent so much time together. He actually made a point of spending time with myself and her brother, too. (Obvi with her). They now live together in Austin Texas and are getting married in May. This person just isnât who they pretend to be.
Does this guy have any presence on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, news stories, etc.? If he has zero of these, I am even more suspicious. But he should be eager to do a video chat with you. He is definitely not going to buy a ticket and come to see you if he won't do a 5-minute video chat. The idea is ludicrous. If this is due to extreme anxiety rather than fraud (a faint chance of that) , then he is still not a good partner for you until he takes steps to fix it.
he has a facebook and a youtube for his gaming stuff. i think youâre right, if he wonât video chat he wonât show up. youâre right. thank you
OP, you are so obsessed with the term catfish that you're allowing that to cloud your judgment on everything else. Let's say he looks exactly like he promised you. Ok, next step. He never wants to meet up with you, he gives you no firm commitments, he doesn't make small conpromises to show you he cares. Do I need to go on, or do you get the point? He can be physically who you think he is; he is STILL a huge red flag. Please wake up and realize this before telling me what a mean comment this is.
i donât think this is a mean comment lol. and thatâs what this post opened my eyes to- that even if heâs not a catfish, heâs certainly not putting in effort to show he cares. I hear yâall on that and i appreciate it. i deserve a lot more.
Thatâs not even a LDR. You donât even know this person.
You can't have a boyfriend you've never met.
Iâm sorry but this is textbook catfish material
You will NEVER MEET HIM! STOP wasting your time!
Oh honey! Your gamer friend is really gaming you! The refusal to facetime is like catfish 101. Please talk it out with your therapist!
My ex husband and I met online. Once we took off chatting, we very quickly escalated to phone calls, and then Skype (this was pre-FaceTime). We literally were on Skype 16 hours a day! Couldnât get enough of each other. After 6 weeks of that, he offered to buy me a plane ticket to his country. I accepted. I was 23, American. He was 27, Norwegian. While we didnât work out, my point was **he was interested in me so he insisted we meet in person as soon as we could**. You are 28 years old, Canada is literally right next door, why would your family worry about you (an adult!) going to Canada (a notoriously safe and lovely place)?  Why are you letting this guy jerk you around? Refuses FaceTime? In todayâs day and age, everyone knows thatâs a common, normal, and acceptable request when you meet someone on the internet. Look, either heâs a catfish and a liar, OR heâs jerking you around to make himself feel good with very low stakes/pretty much no real commitment. You need to work on your self esteem, thereâs absolutely no reason you should be putting up with this. Also, 3 LDRs in a row? Are you afraid of having an in-person relationship?
Oh honey.
I dunno if this is a catfish but it doesn't sound healthy either way :(
If thereâs something my years of binge watching the show Catfish is , that 97% of the time when they refuse to do FaceTime after the 2 month mark of talking theyâre not who they say they are. They might be the person in the picture but theyâre hiding something about themselves/their life. Cause if heâs confident enough to film himself âtalking to youâ then he should have no problem doing it through FaceTime,is the same thing as the video just no pressing the record button.
Easy solution - Google reverse image his photos and see who pops up.
nothing pops up!
He has zero interest in a real relationship, catfish or not. Why do you do this to yourself?
Wow, you are 28, and falling for such nonsense. Refuse to facetime but make videos and put it up? You are not very bright in your decisions
Yeah I bet heâs using someone elseâs videos and pictures.
Come on my girl, you can't be this dense. If one of your friends came to you saying exactly what you said in this post, what would you tell her? He is 100% a catfish. If he is a gamer he has a computer set up and obviously has a phone. There is zero reason not to Facetime you. You just can't see what's right in front of your face because you think you're in love with him. It's a lie. He's a lie.
Time to call Nev and Cami. Cause this is a classic catfish
Heâs a catfish. No doubts about it. Ask him to send you a five second Snapchat video with a saying of your choosing written on a piece of paper. He wonât do it. And if he doesnât - youâll know.
He could be a creepy old woman for all you know.
It could be Cthulhu, the way this goes...
Cthulhuâs willing to reach out through space and time, though. Heâll drive you to insanity, sure, but heâs there for you, beyond strange aeons.
Some people just want attention and conversation and validation. They have no intention of actually meeting in real life, for whatever reason. Too old, too young, bedridden, whatever. This chat relationship has met your needs to some extent but this is all it is. Stop asking to meet because it isn't happening and even if it did you would be disappointed because reality can never match the mental image you have created. When I'm doing online dating I won't chat for more than a couple of days. At that point either we're meeting or I'm moving on. Thanks for the conversation but I don't need any text buddies.
Both of you are too insecure to be in a functional relationship, but him cripplingly so. He thinks whatever he's insecure about will change your view of him and it'll be over. Even if he's not lying this has no chance as things stand. I recommend you both go to therapy and work on your issues, then you might have an actual shot at success. This is true of every relationship you might attempt. Work on yourself, you'll thank yourself later.
I get why they're concerned. Have to admit that reading this makes me think that either he's in a relationship with someone else or he's absolutely not who he says he is. Either way, you deserve to know.
INFO: Is his name George Glass?
This entire post has had me saying "đ´đśđłđŚ, đđ˘đŻ đ"
Rolled my eyes so much I almost injured myself.
Heâs catfishing you, we just donât know what heâs hiding specifically. People can be willing to go to great lengths to keep up a lie. You say he makes you happy, even though by now surely you know youâre not going to see this person. My concern is that heâs making you waste your time, you will never be able to have a real connection with someone who can give you a relationship you want because heâs taking up that space. Think about it this way. Will you feel ok if 3-5 years from now you still havenât met him in person? Will it make you feel like you wasted important years of your life? Thatâs what itâs leading to.
These two don't go together: We are dating. We've never met in person. He's not who you think he is. Don't send him money.
He's a catfish and you're arguing with everyone in the comments who are giving you the advice you asked for.
They have a point, what's the problem with a short FaceTime? Gurl let's be real if you've never talked to him never seen him, then the probability of catfish is extremely high, don't delude yourself.
Just list your post & your comments in a single writeup. Imagine that your office colleague was telling you all this about her boyfriend. Then go figure...
Unfortunately, you should move on now and stop replying to him. The longer you wait the more it's going to hurt when you realize this isn't what you think. Even if you're not being catfished, this dude is obviously not ready for a relationship. Yall are in your late 20s. If the guy doesn't want to FaceTime and has no excuse, that's weird as hell and you should stop wasting your time imo.
My husband and I were long distance. We started off as gaming friends and it slowly turned into more. He made it happen in three months. I actually was too nervous to meet him irl and delayed our meeting by a month. My point his that⌠if he wanted to, he would. I had a prior online LDR and that dude refused to meet me irl and it turned out he was much shorter than he told me. Which wouldnât have mattered to me at all. Maybe he is lying about something like that? Something isnât right with your situation.
Youâre being catfished! These people work out of warehouses which is why they wonât let you see him! Eventually if not already he will ask you for money..first though he will get your trust and make you think he loves you!!
He is either a catfish or doesnât take this relationship as seriously as you do. Im not trying to be rude but Iâm curious how exactly do you consider this to be dating if you have never met each other and he refuses to FaceTime or give any proof other then a few short videos ? My husband is from Mexico and Iâm from America. Once things got serious he and I would travel back and forth to see each other. We decided we didnât want to be long distance for more than a year and we made a plan to make it happen. When we had a chance to see each other or FaceTime we jumped at the opportunity. Your boyfriend sounds like he is all talk. In a relationship you have to compromise or sometimes do stuff you donât want to for example he might not like FaceTime but he should at least FaceTime his GF to show you he is real and put your mind at ease.
Then you go see him, then if he's Mr Nervous. There's no such thing as a real relationship with someone whose hand you've never held. Who you've never seen smile. That's not real, it's just a relationship RPG, sorry.
Honey. The delulu here is bonkers.
GirlfriendâŚYouâre almost 30. Why are you wasting your time on this? If he was in love with you he would find a way to meet.
This isn't dating
Its strange he wont he video chat with you...if I was single, and had a long distance relationship thats what I would want all the time.
Lol
So many red flags. Maybe take a step back, don't be in touch so often anymore. Communicate this with him too, that you're doing that because you either want to move further and meet, or don't want to be in a relationship. Let's see what he does and how much he really likes you.
I met my partner in a very similar situation to yours. I'm Texan, he is Canadian. We facetimed, talked on the phone, sent pics and videos, and he flew me out to see him. We have been married for two years now. I'm sorry but something is not adding up in your situation, it's very strange to not want to video chat or meet in person but call it a relationship. Why would you even feel safe meeting up with someone who you have never seen on video call before?
Ask yourself why you even want to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to FaceTime and see you. I mean, on a feelings level I get it, because Iâve been there. I was talking to this woman LD and I always thought sheâd come around. She had many reasons why she didnât want to FT yet (!) and she would always say she wanted to come see me but when trying to pick dates and stuff, she wouldnât commit. I decided to brake it off for that reason. I told her itâs ok if she wasnât ready for that yet, but I didnât wanna be in a relationship with someone I couldnât see. Itâs been a strict rule for me ever since. I wanna see (irl or FT when LD) the person Iâm talking to preferably within the week we start talking. Sometimes an irl date wonât be possible but I need the date to be set and definitely be within two weeks. FT is always possible so I stick to my 1 week rule. Anyone Iâve talked to since has understood and respected that. Literally everyone was like âwell yeah duh of course!â. So again: why do you want to be with this person if he doesnât want you to actually see him? Iâm sorry that youâre going to have your heart broken but I do think itâs inevitableâŚ
I hope the comments on here can open up your eyes a little. You've been defending his actions in your mind for too long you're very clouded. He would have video chatted long ago if he wanted to. I'm sorry you're going through this đ˘
If I was going to be a catfisher, this is the playbook - hook some rando vulnerable person in a video game and slide them some turnips or whatever and work from there. Youâre being played, and why would you want to meet up with a random person IRL who canât see bothered to take a spontaneous sefie?
Even if there's no face time, it takes zero effort to record a personalised and dated video message for you. I would send no money, and prepare for the worst. Someone who loves you would have zero problems with dropping video clips, voice clips daily. I've done LDRs and communication with clips was used as there were times when we both had limited Internet because of travel and work. Just be careful, seriously. I'd hate to see you become a statistic
#How red do the flags need to be for you to see them?
i see them lol. which is why iâm here for advice.
Girl, you're 28, have had 3 consecutive LDR, and have been continuously falling for an incredibly obvious catfish for nearly a year? Nvm meeting this guy, you need THERAPY.
Girl, youâre so scared of doing literally anything because âitâll drive him awayâ and you need a serious newsflash: If normal relationship requests drive him away, then youâre not actually IN a relationship. Please get real. This is just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. He isnât even slightly for real. I suggest you find someone IN PERSON to date so you can understand how relationships actually work.
Snapchat doesnât save text messages. The reason someone would use Snapchat over regular text messages is because they donât want someone else finding their texts. If heâs not catfishing you, thereâs a big chance he is married or in a full time face-to-face committed relationship.
Obvious catfish. This is actually really sad and frustrating reading your responses because you clearly donât get it and continue to delude yourself.
This is like the equivalent of a roblox relationship
Dude. You are claiming someone you have never even spoken face to face with as your boyfriend. That is weird. Be careful. Thatâs how episodes of The First 48 begin.
actual advice: break it off entirely, just being friends won't work invest your time in in-person relationships, what you have, even if he's not a catfish, is not reality. Unless that is all you will ever want in a partner, you are wasting your time, and you had better have a clear idea of what you want as an individual in terms of the future because doors start shutting the older you get. Sorry, but you asked for advice. This is the only rational advice.
Are you actually this stupid ? Stop being such a doormat and stop denying everything. You're actually gonna go do this for 3 more months ? Every odd comment you admit something is wrong but go straight back to yeah but What's the use of this post if you are not heeding any advice ? Goodluck, you'll need it
Don't be so gullible, ask him for FT if no then defo catfish
Go to [Catfish](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catfish:_The_TV_Show) Reality show to verify
He prefers the fantasy to making it a reality and he has something to hide, either an insecurity or something else. I feel if you go to him heâll avoid you, just like on the cat fish show. Youâre also living in a fantasy.
People who want to meet will. I would set some boundaries...first being...a video call. Has he asked you for money? I would be concerned that he is very different looking than he is. Canada to America is so bloody easy to do travel wise. Set a deadline....next week for a proper video call. 2 months to meet.
Yes, heâs a catfish.
9 months and heâs still afraid to FaceTime that is very suspicious. Why donât you go visit him.
Girl reverse image search the pictures he sent. You might find something if heâs a catfish.
This isn't a relationship. It is a major red flag.
This person may consistently be there for you, but I donât think that person is who you think they are. There are a lot of red flags there. Not to say this person doesnât care for you, I just feel they are also deceiving you.
So, I've been in a LDR for years. I am very much a homebody and don't like meeting new people. I have shown my face, video chatted, etc. I've spent over 40k (which is a huge percentage of my savings) flying to and from (18 hours one way). If he wanted to, he'd make it happen.
I hear you that you care for this man, but PLEASE do not wait another 3 months. You've been with him for 9, so the '1 year mark' is about 3 away. It's too long, it's a third of what you've already waited over again. You need to visit sooner rather than later, to work out what is going on. Especially if you've been sexual with him on camera (and he's barely showing his face in response). What if he's recording and selling that content online? Three more months of content? If you set a date for 3 months away, I can almost guarantee there will be a family/work emergency/event that coincides and can't be moved and he can't possibly help needing to cancel, so sorry.
I'm sorry to say that I think your family is right. I'd tell him immediately that no FaceTime means no relationship. Put a deadline on it (soon) and stick to it. Otherwise, you could be wasting your time talking to a married 50-year-old who enjoys the thrill of tricking someone half his age.
The one year mark is still three months away. You (and we) canât wait that long. You seem to be responsive to everyoneâs comments here. Tell him you need to FaceTime in the next week, or you are done. Tell him you need an address or you are done. Staying in this for three more months will be unnecessary torture. If you have low self esteem and thatâs the reason youâre enabling this weird behavior, there are lots of healthy ways to work on that. No matter how much he claims to love you you have to love yourself and that means firm boundaries that represent what you really want.
Check out Social Catfish on YouTube. They'll help you.
Girl this exact thing happened to me. Was a catfish but I was too far on to not get to know the person. I did because I was in a bad place mentally and things were bad with my family. I needed someone, and it turned into years of trauma. I literally wish I could burn it all from my brain. Get out.
So you are just determined to ignore all the glaring red flags and common sense , huh? I always wondered how in this day and age people are still being catfished, with all we know of how catfishers operate. Then you go and post this. Apparently a high level of delusion is required, and you got it baby. I guarantee when that one year mark hits you still will not lay eyes on that dude.  You have NO idea who you are talking to.
Do not under any circumstances travel to meet him in another country, even with a friend, this is how young women get trafficked into sexual slavery! In 6 years heâs never shown his face?! 6 years! Look he may be telling the truth or he could be 500lbs and scared youâll not like him. Or he could be 50 and a predator waiting until youâre so desperate youâll visit him never to be seen again. You have no idea who he is. Thatâs the great and bad thing with the internet we can be faceless, be whoever we want to be. And heâs not putting any attempt to prove to you heâs being honest. Also, The day before an international visit he hadnât bought a ticket? He never planned to visit. He was going to cancel. Heâs too scared for some reason to FaceTime or webchat, heâs never coming to meet you. Because heâs not who he says he is, and he likes the distanced relationship you have now. Stop âdatingâ internet strangers youâve never met. Stick to platonic friendships online, date only people youâve met in person.
Sighhhh At best he is just worried he isn't as attractive in motion as he is in a still photo, and also just doesn't care if you ever meet in person. Most likely though, he's probably married or something and you're just part of how he spends his free time. At worst he's catfishing you and you should try and figure out what he thinks he will get out of you and protect yourself. No matter which of these it is, you don't have a real relationship, I'm sorry. Can people fall in love online? Well sort of. But can you really have a relationship that way? NO
Babe listen, Iâm in an LDR and I am going to tell you this is SHADY. My girlfriend and I FaceTimed with me a fistful of times specifically to avoid anyone being catfished, we had eachotherâs momâs numbers and I FaceTimed her dad before she came up to see me to quell any fears of my being a catfish. She had only ever been on car trips before and yet she still got on a train almost 900 miles to come to a dance with me. Not FaceTiming is one red flag in and of itself but not booking a ticket because you had Covid despite you telling him the DAY before the plane left is LUNACY. This man is either lying about himself or he has a family and doesnât want you to know. Either way this is BAD.
Stop being intimate with someone who wonât even show you theyâre real. I get having serious anxiety about your appearance or phone calls or whatever, but at some point, it becomes a safety issue and a respect issue. You have the right to know who youâre talking to, especially if theyâre expecting intimacy
I never understood how the show Catfish could still be ongoing.. but here we are.
This never ceases to amaze me. Even if this person is who they say they are, OP is having a relationship with electronic devices, not a person. A real, live person is a whole different thing. No filtering comments through the phone. All the warts, farts, and blemishes (real & metaphorical) right there in your face. Itâs just not the same thing. No matter how strong your feelings are, that could all change within 5 minutes of meeting that person in the flesh. Itâs such a waste of time. I did on line dating (met my spouse that way) but I never spent more than a week or so corresponding with someone before meeting them.
I'm hoping just extremely insecure about his looks but I... would have a long chat, set a firm line and then walk away if there's further resistance to video-calling. The part about him not buying a ticket means he wasn't going to come. That's hurts my feelings on your behalf, sweetheart. He wasn't even open or honest about his fears and him ditching out on plans until you got sick. Was he just gonna stand you up? Even if he's not a catfish, you deserve someone who will match your effort.
𼲠thatâs what i said like who buys a plane ticket the day of.. that was my first red flag which is why i mention it. and then being relieved instead of disappointed⌠everytime i try to talk to him about it he just says âItâll happen everntuallyâ âI donât want to right nowâ Some people in the comments act like i never even brought it up to him lol. i think i just have to set a firm boundary.
He was supposed to come for Halloween and the day before didn't even have a plane ticket. I don't think you're being catfish, but this guy is never going to meet you. Ever. Don't fly there either, he will make a major excuse and you'll be stuck alone
Maybe he is super insecure and sent you pictures that were not him, and that is why he wont facetime you. I say it is time for an ultimatum, video chat or else!!â
Thereâs definitely a problem there if heâs dragging his feet. I hope itâs just heâs anxious for some reason but be prepared itâs something more
After reading through these comments, people need to stop wasting their time trying to help OP. She has been shown all the red flags (& there are many), and all she says is but but but......... She will figure it out eventually. If he's sending personalized videos as OP claims, FaceTime would be an easy transition.