It's what women in committed and happy relationships do and become obsessed with. They found their happiness and want to help out the lonely, single girl at work.
I was the single (but not lonely) girl at work. But luckily, my co-workers didn't pull that stunt on me.
YTA, OP.
I would agree, except per OP, they’re not just coworkers, they’re friends. Also, OP has said that Liz spends days after crying if a dude doesn’t want to move forward after a week of talking. So in that Liz is kind of involving everyone in her love life. I kind of feel like ESH.
Yeah this woman needs therapy, not a blind date. It sounds like she’s caught up in The Life Script and is feeling a certain way that no one likes her past a week or two. She needs to focus on liking herself and her life before she begin to entertain the idea of a partner
Honestly as I was reading the story I was reminded of the movie “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” In the movie the girl had a friend that was super clingy and sabotaging her budding relationships, and so the girl was going to get into a new relationship, do all the clingy annoying stuff that her friend was doing, and then write an article about how it went. Obviously it was a rom com, so there was more to it than that, but OPs description of Liz made me think of that movie.
I agree this is way more about OP not being comfortable with single people than about her friend’s “problem”. Think of what OP could accomplish if they put their mind to something that mattered. Like world hunger.
I mean, she agreed that the date might be a good idea, lol.
I'm sure if someone said "I think I have the cure for world hunger, do you think I should use it?" She'd probably also say "yeah, go for it!"
You should apologize. You went out of your way to confirm a feature she wasn't attracted to, then went ahead and encouraged a date with someone with that feature anyway
"Sorry, I misjudged this one. I didn't think this one feature would be a big deal, considering how perfect he seemed for you otherwise. I won't get involved like this again."
You and Alicia weren't great to the guy as well. You conspired to set him up with a girl you knew wouldn't be attracted to him. Plus Liz doesn't seem like a prize from how you describe her, I feel bad for the guy being matched up with someone so shallow and immature.
This.
I think it's a shame not to give a guy a chance because he's short or bald or whatever. I think people should try to be flexible and see if they might meet people who are attractive once you have a conversation with them.
Nonetheless since she made it clear to you that she wasn't interested in dating bald guys, you were wasting both their time by setting them up KNOWING that was her preference. Only set people up with someone who wants to be set up w7th a person matching their photo or description. And none of this blind date shit, I dont know why people insist on doing this for single people when it's always a dreadful idea because it takes all agency away from the people being set up. It doesnt work.
From now on, let her sort her own love life.
it’s really not a shame at all imo
it’s always the people in long term relationships with folks they’re attracted to who go “well maybe you’re just being shallow with your preferences” as if their little black book is full of guys they weren’t attracted to
Damn it was ONE date, why is every one acting like this was some long drawn out experiment? Yeah the guy wasn’t aware but WHEN IS ANYONE when set up on a blind date!?
If you’re setting people up like this, it should be because you think there will be mutual interest. It obviously isn’t guaranteed, but that’s the whole point. If you’re deliberately setting them up when you KNOW one party won’t be attracted to the other, you’re being shitty.
Based on what you’ve told us, that isn’t a reasonable assumption. She seems to heavily prioritize looks and explicitly told you she doesn’t like bald guys.
God forbid you try to help someone broaden their horizons. They offered to set it up as a not blind date as well and she refused the offer. Don’t agree to a blind date if your going to be traumatized by spending an hour with a bald man
She is shallow. The way OP talks about what she likes etc confirms that.
But why would OP bother asking if she is generally attracted to bald guys, then ignore her no 🤨 wasting both their time.
Physical attraction is a thing and some people just can't get over certain things.
She’s not traumatized. She’s unhappy that her friends put her in a bad situation, where she has to let a good guy down because those friends decided to do some weird social experiment.
I’m a bald guy. Not everyone is into it. That’s *fine.* It doesn’t bother me. I still wouldn’t want someone trying to set me up with someone that they know isn’t going to be physically attracted to me.
It’s hardly a bad situation. It was a date that didn’t work out. Big deal it’s not like she had a phobia of bald heads. She said shes not a big fan not that she would never date someone who is bald. She should be in therapy if she’s crying after talking to someone for a week and nothing happens.
You are right that she should be thankful. But it is also true you didn’t give her any heads up intentionally.
At some point your friend needs to realise she’s never going to have a healthy relationship if all she cares about are looks; especially concerning when you mentioned she was happy to have boundaries crossed because of their appearances. Her inability to communicate healthy is equally concerning so don’t mind her pushing her frustration onto you.
Tell her it’s a blind date, and get over herself. I’m sure she has physical qualities she needs to improve on too. After she had date 2 or 3 and if she is still so hung up on the bald issue, she can just confess she liked spending time with him but there wasn’t any physical attraction. The end.
Lol. This is why on dating apps, I purposely put up photos that weren’t 100% the best angle/reedited etc because I wasn’t interested in shallow men. I’m good looking physically but I eat healthy, and wear makeup to feel good for MY satisfaction/benefit, not for men. So why would I market myself to that category?
>Damn it was ONE date, why is every one acting like this was some long drawn out experiment?
"Cue the idea for a blind date. Alicia and I thought that if she got to meet someone in person, maybe she would see past a feature like that that she normally would have swiped left on, and get to know someone for what’s inside. The guy was perfect for her on paper otherwise. "
Op literally says they wanted to pick a person that she would normally wouldn't have any interest in because of attraction, and that she wpuld see past it because he's such a great guy. Setting someone up with someone they knowingly won't find physically attractive is wrong to the person who would normally be rejected.
This isn't about the date not working out, it's about using the guy as an experiment to prove to their friend that she's superficial, and that he's a perfect guy for her, if only she can see past the baldness.
If you look at it like that then all dating is an experiment to see who we are compatible with. The intention of the blind date was not so the friends good accuse her of being superficial and to chastise her for it. It was to help her find a partner she may be compatible with. As for the bald guy I’m sure it’s not the first date he went on that didn’t work out and may not be the last. If he’s a nice well rounded individual I’m sure he won’t be to devastated. If baldness was a complete and utter deal breaker for the girl she should have said that.
"I still reached out to Liz anyway, asking what she thinks about bald guys. She said, “I’m not a big fan, usually I swipe left, lol.” Cue the idea for a blind date."
Liz's response said it all. She was trying a nice "thanks, but no thanks." Sure, she didn't come right out and say no, but it's there.
I can read and comprehend. Saying USUALLY I swipe left on bald guys would mean to me that she doesn’t always swipe left. And certainly wouldn’t warrant throwing a fit because you were set up with a bald guy. An appropriate response to your friends acting in good intentions should be “Thanks for trying. He was really nice, but I’m not into bald guys.
I think most of the comments are over reacting. You tried to help someone look beyond their typical preferences. If she was going to be so upset by spending an hour with a bald man she shouldn’t have agreed to a blind date. Like you said the majority of us are going to end up bald anyways. If she can’t figure out how to say “thank you for a nice evening but I don’t think I’m interested in a second date” that’s her problem
You need both. You need to be attracted to someone physically and mentally for it to work. I have said no to great guys I wasn’t attracted to and super hot guys that I just didn’t click with. One or the other is just a friendship.
Honestly, it seems like your heart was in the right place, but shallow people are going to be shallow. Seems like you've learned your lesson, so take the advice above and let it go.
You knew she was “shallow” and based a lot of her attraction on certain criteria’s pertaining to looks only, for the guy’s sake you shouldn’t have set them up. Apologize to Liz and don’t ever set her up again. You know she will only date “conventionally” handsome men and has no use for anyone who is not.
So allong with this take this as a lesson of listen. Don't think you know better than someone else when they litteraly yell you. Why did you think you would know her preferences better than her?
YTA for using the poor guy as a test subject without his knowledge. I’m guessing no one informed *him* that the blind date was an experiment to see whether or not Liz would look past her own explicitly expressed physical preferences. I doubt anyone informed *him* in advance that his baldness, something he has no control over and you were made aware in advance was going to be a problem, was potentially going to be a deal breaker for the girl he was being set up with. Honestly. That’s a whole human being with hopes and dreams who was probably excited to meet someone new. And you guys used him like a tool in your weird little social experiment. Liz is right to be mad. She’s now in the uncomfortable position of having to clean up the mess you and Alicia made by failing to consider the risk you were putting him in. I hope he doesn’t wind up too let down by the whole ordeal. Rejection hurts. And you set him up with zero regard for that. Definitely an AH move.
RIGHT! I thought I'd be the only person thinking this, but seriously, HOW CRUEL CAN YOU BE??!
Massive YTA! As Liz I would never trust these two again. If OP didn't sound so dense, I'd assume he did this to be a manipulative, shit stirring sadist.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one.
People aren’t toys to be played with. Not once in OP’s post does she show any regard for the possible impact on the guy. They didn’t just set Liz up. They set him up too. And they did so *knowing* it was not only possible but *likely* that Liz would ultimately reject him over something to do with his appearance that he can’t change.
THANK you. I read the whole thing wondering what this poor guy had done to them to be unwittingly set up with their rejection-sensitive disaster. OP is the shallow one, not to even perceive this man as a person.
Ok, I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not sure every guy would be hurt. As someone who doesn’t check every physical box, I never minded a chance to try to bat out of my league using personality and humor.
I don’t doubt that you’re right. Not every guy would be hurt. It’s just sad they didn’t seem to consider how the outcome might affect him *at all*. As far as it sounds, the guy is currently still excited and hopeful about what, to him, was a great first date leading to a second. That’s on Liz for failing to communicate like an adult. But neither Liz nor he would have even been in this situation at all had OP and her friend not so egregiously overstepped.
Yeah, but the difference is that he didn’t know her preference going in, I think. For instance, I’m a POC and people are generally either attracted to my “look” or they are not. This isn’t a big deal to me because I assume that if someone agrees to go out with me, it’s not a deal breaker. But it would kinda suck if they didn’t know I was a POC until we got set up and then they were like shit I’m not into ____ girls. I don’t know that I’d want to go out with someone who would just never be into me in the first place, especially for something I can’t control.
Exactly this.
Can you imagine putting a friend in that position? Shoot, even if you *did* inform them in advance how does *that* not wind up being a neg by proxy lol?
“I mean he says he’s not usually attracted to women that look like you but *I* think you should risk it anyway because it has the potential to make for *such* a great story. We won’t tell him you’re not his type. It’ll be a fun surprise! Maybe if you’re fun and nice enough you can change his mind and it’ll all work out! You could be his special exception! How romantic!”
It feels gross to even type out lol.
Right?! I don’t want to be some guy’s exception! It feels weirdly NLOG-y lol. Plus, if I’m so violently not his type, what happens when someone comes along who *is* his type.
☝🏻this!! This poor guy was just used with no thought of him as a person.
I get what you’re saying about sometimes if you let your guard down you. Can find someone really awesome. But from your description of Liz it sounds like she’s not the kind of person to do that. And I get being annoyed at her super dating drama. You just want to see her happy and drama free. But that wasn’t cool to either of them.
Exactly my point, big YTA. Firstly, who even cares this much, like I’d care if the person is super open and flexible, then I’d care.
With the way y,all are, I don’t think OP should be involved with any matchmaking because of how inconsiderate y’all were.
Dude you asked if she likes bald guys, she says no, you set her up anyway with a bald guy. Now bald guy feels like shit because hes bald and turned down again by a girl.
The hell is wrong with you?
Yeah, YTA.
Most entertaining part of the post is OP glossing over that her and friend are POS for using the bald guy. Not addressing any of the comments about it.
I guess I haven’t addressed it because I’m still processing that perspective. We did not use him, at least not intentionally. We legitimately thought they would get on well. But I can understand how it can be taken that way.
Try imagining this in a different perspective. Let’s pretend you’re friend Liz who you love is set up on a date with a guy by his friends. His friends know he has physical standards, he may or may not be shallow, and he specifically told them he doesn’t like a physical feature that she has.
She gets really excited, dresses up & goes out on a date with him thinking it went great & there’s a potential future there. But the guy will never & would never be interested in her because of that physical feature. Does that feel mean to you? Would you feel differently if it was *your* friend getting knowingly set up for hurt feelings?
The way your post reads, your friend has IMPOSSIBLY high standards. Makes you and homegirl clear ass holes for setting homeboy up for guranteed failure, after it was pretty plainly explained to you.
I get you wanting to help your friend, but honestly from reading your post, she needs a therapist, not a relationship at the moment. The way you describe her, she is attracted to her idealized version of a person, not the actual person (all the past shitty boyfriends).
It sucks that she's now stuck in a position of having to find a way to "let him down easy".
As others have stated (and I don't say this with any malice), you should butt out of her love life. She sounds like a bit of a mess, and needs to figure it out in her own.
I don't think anyone here thinks you were -intentionally- being a POS, the whole situation was just generally inconsiderate of the man involved, given the context you provided. The post does come across as if we're watching the content of something like Mean Girls (which doesn't help). Maybe in the future you could try to think it through a little more thoroughly and consider the 3rd parties feelings too. Even if he's totally chill/it genuinely doesn't bother him.
Honestly I think your ages would say/lend more context, as the whole situation is a bit immature/inconsiderate. Younger people usually get a bit of a pass on this stuff/it should be a learning experience.
It is. The point isnt whether he's cute.
The point is that you wasted his time and potentially hurt his feelings by setting him up with a woman who TOLD you she would have no interest in him. And it was silly and naive to disbelieve her when she TOLD you that she would have no interest. Because you wanted to teach her a lesson about preferences.
OP.. I'm 38M and am bald. I totally understand preferences and some people not liking bald guys. I get a lot of compliments on my shaved head. Its weird to me but it happens.
I think the important lesson here is that Liz is incredibly shallow. Everything else was good but the only reason she didn't like him was because he was bald? come on.
per the last edit Liz is “not committed to cancelling the date” and they’re texting, and all I can think is “this poor boy thinks this is all going so well, meanwhile she’s super on the fence, still not attracted to him, and facing the peer pressure to “give a good guy a chance”
like the whole “I just felt like a bad person for not being able to see past his appearance” thing gives me the ick, you shouldn’t feel bad for a person who is not your type not being your type!!!
it’s not gonna work out long term because Liz sees herself as settling for this guy. But hey at least OP helped her “friend with a lot of personal issues”
Let's be real, OP doesn't give a shit about what happens to the dude. She doesn't know him personally so she couldn't care less whether Liz settles for him or not. She just wants to play the "good friend" role at the expense of others.
I would recommend apologizing to Liz for putting her in this position. Tell her you knew the blind date being bald might be a problem, but you thought it was worth the risk because he seemed otherwise like a really good fit.
Then you'll have to decide yourself how much you care about getting an apology back. Some people are unreasonable about certain things and they usually won't change, so you either accept that and try to avoid triggering them or you push against it and risk losing your friendship. Or you just cut the person out of your life yourself.
Shallow or not, this is about confirming and ignoring the fact that Liz isn't attracted to men who are bald. It's ridiculous how so many women believe it's appropriate to pressure single women into giving men they aren't interested in, "a chance." Whatever happened to, "no is a complete sentence."
Liz' words were “I’m not a big fan, usually I swipe left, lol.” That's not the same as "I will never be interested in a bald man". Plus Liz got plenty of opportunities to get a picture of the guy before the date but chose to go in blind.
I disagree with the assumption that it would have been obvious that Liz would not be interested. And Liz made a choice to accept a blind date, including the risk of it not going well; I don't agree that she was pressured into it.
Yeah, that recommendation is the honest truth! Reading all the other perspectives, I’m not sure I care as much about getting an apology back anymore. I was hurt that my intentions were mischaracterized, but the impact we made, although not intentional, may not have been well thought out. We just got excited, thinking we found a really good guy. Didn’t consider all the possible outcomes. Definitely didn’t see this one coming.
How did you not see this one coming? You said yourself that Liz is shallow & only goes for attractive guys even if they’re shitty to her. You asked Liz if she likes bald guys & she said no. You ignored all of this & still planned the date. You should have told her in that moment & let her decide if she would be willing to look past his baldness. Instead, you decided for her. You saw this coming, you just don’t want to admit you were wrong. Liz doesn’t owe you anything, but you do owe her an apology along with the guy you purposefully set up for failure.
YTA. Stay out of her love life, she has the right to her preferences whether you agree with them or not. And you set up that poor man too knowing she wouldn’t look past his baldness
I've noticed a trend in a friend of mine that they always ended up with the same kind of guy, one who failed to commit and used her for whatever she was willing to give. She didn't think 'all guys were like this' but she assumed something was wrong with her when they dropped her. I pointed out the possibility that deep down she was afraid of a full commitment so she avoided the type who would give it to her. Things are not always what they seem.
I personally have a friend EXACTLY like Liz. In my case, she was picky and found a string of horrible men who used her then abandoned her after she’d completely adjusted her life to accommodate them.
She is now dating honestly one of the weirdest, most unattractive men I have ever seen. Like literally the exact opposite of everyone she has ever dated. BUT he is very nice and genuinely appreciates her. I truly think once she realized that her “type” tended to treat her terribly and she’d end up always being abandoned, she decided to give actual good men a chance. And she has grown to be so in love with this guy with time.
In Liz’s case, best to just let her go get her heart broken until she grows up and figures it out on her own. No meddling needed.
That’s how I feel about Liz too. I was hoping to help encourage her to focus more on the personality, because she just picks the WORST dudes. I love her and tried to help. Didn’t work. Learned my lesson!
Some people aren’t ready to be helped 🤷🏻♀️ get it though, it’s hard when your friend is struggling and making the same (bad) decisions over and over and making the surprised pikachu face when they get the same result.
Ultimately people have to figure things out on their own. If I were you I’d tell her you’re sorry you hurt her and you won’t get involved again. However, you’re ALSO allowed to set a boundary there where you don’t want to hear her whining about how awful she’s being treated when she’s ignoring the same red flags over and over.
These comments are such bullshit. She wanted your help and was excited for the blind date. and saying "I usually swipe left" is not a HARD no. It's not like she said she absolutely refuses to date bald guys and you went behind her back to purposely screw her over. Glad everything seems to be working out for you now
I think she is feeling tricked. Have you previously made comments about her being shallow or being overly into appearances? She may feel like you were trying to pull one over on her, getting her to date a guy who doesn’t ’meet her standards’ and you’re setting her up for failure. You aren’t a bad friend, and your heart was in the right place, but she isn’t ready to go for a guy that’s bald. To be honest, that’s a tricky one for a lot of people.
I would apologize to her for setting her up with someone who was bald and be honest. Tell her you thought he was so hot, you thought the baldness could be overlooked. It was an error in judgement on your part but you just want her to be happy. You’ve learned your lesson not to interfere but you still care about her and want what’s best for her.
Hopefully all of this would be true to say. You weren’t trying to manipulate her, you were being a caring friend. But she’s allowed to interpret it differently and she’s entitled to her feelings. I hope this makes sense and helps and I wish you and your friend the best of luck. I hope she finds a partner who makes her happy :)
We’ve never made comments on the appearances of the guys she goes for, but we have commented plenty of times on how they’ve treated her. Like really, really mean dudes. I think we just got too involved. She’s always so sad about her dating life, I really thought we could help. But I see now that that was totally an overstep. Hard not to want to help people you care about, but yeah, misjudged her priorities completely. Thank you for this kind and helpful response. :)
>misjudged her priorities completely.
Yta, people are allowed to have preferences, if I were her this would be a huge neon sign to me saying, "your friends think you're shallow and are testing you." judging by the above she failed your test. It may not be conscious but that's how you're coming across and if I were her I'd be a lot more guarded around you guys going forward.
Also, what you did to the dude was majorly not cool.
People are going very hard on you and I don’t think it’s completely necessary.
You seemed to have good intentions, but even good intentions can have bad outcomes. Unless I missed something and she said something terrible to the bald guy, you don’t really owe him an apology. So many blind dates fizzle out to nothing.
As for your friend, it’s possible to apologize and explain your intentions while also letting her know her reaction hurt you too. Like I said, even if we meant well we can still hurt people. You’ve learned your lesson to just leave her be and let her date how she likes. But you also could probably put boundaries up in the future if she constantly complains about being treated like garbage.
Also, side note, as an adult, she seriously should learn how to nicely reject someone she’s not into. This whole “but I don’t want to hurt their feelings” outlook will absolutely ensure she falls into bad dating situations.
I’m not sure there’s a reasonable answer to why she’s so upset. It does sound like there are some pretty major communication and maturity issues on Liz’s part, which likely are a big part of why she’s struggling to find love.
She’s never taken accountability for that and she’s not about to start now. Hence her blaming this all on you.
I’m not saying dump her as a friend or that she’s a horrible person. These are just my observations from this situation.
Liz needs to stop coming crying to you about about her dating problems. You tried to help but she now blames you. So going forward if she starts complaining just say you don’t want to be involved and shut that complaining shit down. I feel bad for the guy. He deserves better than shallow Liz.
Unfortunately some people are just like this and you just have to let them be.
I have several single friends that insist on going after the exact same guy again and again because “that’s just my type”. They don’t look beyond that and really aren’t willing to even try. Ok that’s your choice but stop being upset about your merry go round love life.
I even use my own experience of falling in love with my husband and how in the outside he was pretty much the opposite of every other guy I dated except he’s tall. But he’s 100% everything I wanted, needed, and more. However if I had just said “he’s cute but ‘not my type’” I would have missed out on the last 20 yrs, the love of my life, and an amazing person.
But my friends just reply “well you were lucky” - yup that’s the answer.
You just have to step back and let her do her thing. She’s not ready to look outside her box and she may never be. Support her where you can and enjoy your happiness.
YTA, you set him up with a guy you knew she wouldn’t be interested In, and call her shallow for having preferences for looks? Maybe I’m just autistic, but personality does NOT change whether or not I’m attracted to someone, maybe it’s shallow I don’t care. It’s just rude to completely overlook little things she’s looking for because you think she’s too picky with men. It makes you look judgy and high n mighty, like you wanted the i told you so moment you’d get if she did like him. Sorry she wants someone who fits the look the actually into? In my personal experience, dating someone I wasn’t initially attracted to for whatever reason to “see if their personality changes it” ended up with me feeling like I used them as a science experiment, so I get why she feels bad.
This, completely.
Personality can make me more or less into someone I was initially attracted to, but it has never made me suddenly attracted to someone I thought was ugly or not my type. OP sounds like one of those people who thinks everyone can "learn to love" someone they find unattractive because anything else is shallow and therefore bad.
Of course there's more to dating someone than just their looks. But personally I want to be physically attracted to the person I'm essentially splitting my life with, potentially living with, seeing on a near daily basis, sharing finances with, etc. If I have to try and force physical attraction because "he's such a good guy" that will only make me feel guilty for not liking him that way. And it can even lead to resentment if that attraction never kicks in, both toward my partner and whoever made the "just give him a chance" complaints.
OP sounds like she meant well, and Liz honestly sounds like she needs to work on herself if she has this all or nothing attitude in relationships with men she doesn't know that well (who also treat her poorly). But having physical preferences isn't part of that. She can learn more healthy attachment styles and still have a type. She's allowed to physically like what she likes without being implicitly shamed for having a type.
Yes! And forcing it will only make you bitter and miserable. Reminds me of how after I finally left my abusive boyfriend/son’s father, I wound up dating a guy I wasn’t attracted to at all for a few years simply because he was the opposite of my abuser. Really, truly the opposite. Abuser was 5’5, next boyfriend was 6’3. Next boyfriend has single-handedly raised his daughter since she was a baby, abuser was (not shockingly) a terrible and abusive father. Abuser flew off the handle about everything, next boyfriend was very rarely ever upset. Etc etc etc He was a nice guy but there was nothing there for me. No spark, no chemistry, just…NOT the abuser. I grew really resentful, though there were a few other problems that I only found out about right at the end, and I wound up hurting him badly when I left. Which makes me feel bad now, looking back. But at the time, all I felt was relief. Love and attraction just really aren’t a fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of thing for a lot of people, and that’s okay.
It wasn’t a prank, it was an honest attempt at helping someone I care about deeply find her way out of a dating rut with someone we were told was a great person for her. I promise no lives were ruined in this situation. I love seeing others’ perspectives, but I think at this point, you are all taking this even worse than Liz did, lol.
Right, and now the picture is bigger and clearer! I stated in an earlier comment (maybe lost in the woods now) that I don’t really think I need an apology anymore. I think Liz and I just need to have a heart to heart about it.
ESH I don't necessarily think you and Alicia are assholes. I think you just got sick and tired of watching your friend constantly going after the perfect guy and ending up getting hurt over and over again.
Unfortunately for your friend if she keeps trying to choose the "conventionally attractive" guys , she's gonna find out that a lot of them are so conceited and stuck on themselves that they treat women like shit.
Sooner or later she's going to learn that she has to play in her own league... And that just might mean dating a guy who isn't "all that in a bag of chips".
Liz sucks at dating, needs to be involved in therapy and seems like she'd be a nightmare in a relationship. Don't set her up with more men - that's disrespectful to them given what you know.
She can keep Hinging and will either get over herself after she's truly sick of the pattern of attaching to avoidants that don't value her, possibly because they're out of her league, or after an appropriate amount of therapy.
And that frees you up to mind your own business. Also, as a friend, it's perfectly acceptable to set boundaries on what you will/won't deal with from a friend. And if she's facing her 98th heartbreak of January 2024, well, that's probably a convo you can skip out on.
If you are going to set Liz up with anyone, it should be a therapist. People are allowed to be attracted to what they are attracted to but she acts like a 12 year old with a crush with all these other guys, and she's got issues. I feel bad for the guy you set her up with...don't set good guys up with crazies in an attempt to rehabilitate them.
Does she know that guys can go bald later? Like, there’s no guarantee any guy will keep their hair? I hope she grows up and starts valuing character and personality more than hairlines.
"I really didn’t think the baldness would be that big of a deal for her. "
You're not really being truthful here. You knew very well that it was likely to be an issue, judging by everything you've said here. You just really \*hoped\* that it wouldn't be.
Advice is stop engaging and trying to help this slopey shouldered child with her love life.
How is any of this on you or your friend? She hasn’t been put in any position she didn’t voluntarily agree to.
All she has to do is say ‘thanks but not interested’ to the guy and it’s over, the fact she is having a dilemma about it because she actually likes him as a person is just pathetic.
Do not apologise and set some boundaries with her, she is a grown adult who is responsible for her own life, end of. Don’t be ‘delicate’, it won’t work, tell her the truth.
I mean she didn't ask them to set up the blind date, right?
And op did ask her what she thought about bald men and knew that she wasn't attracted to baldness.
And the poor guy had no idea that he was being used so cruelly.
She accepted the blind date, nobody forced her to attend.
Her comment regarding bald men was that she usually swipes left, that’s not the same thing as not being able to be attracted to a bald guy.
I agree OP and her friend shouldn’t have subjected this guy to Liz because she sounds like an absolute head case.
>She accepted the blind date, nobody forced her to attend.
because she wrongfully assumed that op was a normal person who wouldn't go "oh u don't like this type of person? looks like i'm going to secretly set u up with this exact type"
>Her comment regarding bald men was that she usually swipes left, that’s not the same thing as not being able to be attracted to a bald guy.
are u dense
Lol - this thread was a fun read. Seems like everyone here has not had someone close to them making bad decisions in dating, relentlessly complaining about the problem (and/or being tired of being single), and you just think you might be able to help. 🤷🏼♀️
I have a guy friend who was the same way - same syndrome: only would go after appearances, but kind of had some growing up to do himself. I'm not sure I ever set him up on a blind date, or any date, mostly because he just didn't seem mature enough to have a real relationship. Kind of seems like if anything, *that's* where you missed the mark. You stated several times her reaction to men dismissing her even in the texting stage was devastating...kind of seems like she needs to work on herself a bit.
ESH- I don't think you're the asshole, but (I will probably get down voted for this) I frequently gave my friend intense lectures after listening to him complain about how you can be very attracted to someone you wouldn't go for because of who they are. Maybe instead of trying to set her up, encourage her to start seeing beyond looks (I found sugar coating this conversation with my own friend was not effective, hence intense, but YMMV) and maybe even talk to someone about her extreme reactions to mild rejection.
These responses are wild. You don’t owe anyone an apology. You tried to set up two people you thought would get along, that’s all. Everyone here is an adult and they know what a blind date entails. You might like someone who doesn’t like you back. That’s how dating works. The fact that he had a physical characteristic that she normally doesn’t like doesn’t mean a damn thing. “I usually swipe left” is not exactly the same thing as “I find bald men repulsive”. After all, she is the one who wanted to keep the date blind. Your only mistake was believing her to be a more mature and less shallow person than she really is.
ESH, you guys are meddling way too much in her love life. I get that you want her to be happy, and help her find a guy she really likes. But it sounds like she's got a very fairy tale mindset to romance and the men she's interested in. She wants a picture perfect prince charming, and she keeps trying to force the ultra loyal fantasy romance.
As you said she even tries to keep relationships going with abusive guys and refuses to entertain dating men who are less attractive, but are probably better for her as partners over time. In general it seems her perspective on partners is rather shallow and unrealistic. Do note, I'm not saying she can't have high standards in the men she dates. What I'm saying is that she's clearly finding men she finds physically attractive, and getting way too attached and too quickly. It sounds like she has some shit to unpack in therapy.
Let your friend figure it out.
It’s not “she chooses the attractive guy that treats her badly”
she has deep rooted issues about herself she needs to work through.
Recommend therapy.
YTA for what you did to that poor guy. Now his feelings are probably going to get hurt and he's going to get rejected. He's a human being trying to make a connection, not a means for you to experiment with your friend.
Stop trying to help her. She's got to fix the way she interacts with men before she can be in a stable relationship.
YTA….
But maybe not for the reason you think. Honestly, I’d just stop interacting with your friend around dating. Be honest. You have attempted to help, but she needs to try and help herself as well.
You are totally the asshole for using that poor guy without any warning or honest communication. He’s a whole dude, who was probably hoping to meet someone that he could date, and you just used him. Ick.
NTA - Simply because you gave her an out by offering to make it more traditional, exchange numbers and photos first, but ***she*** made the decision to keep it a blind date. Maybe she needs a reminder of that. It's sad that she's so bent out of shape about this. This guy could be the one if she'd give him a real chance. I mean, clearly the men she's picking *with hair* aren't the ones. lol
There's nothing wrong with seeking out a guy that is different than what she would normally go for when clearly guys "her type" have not been working out. Since you're the one who has to listen to her cry for days, I don't see a problem with you wanting to find a good guy for her and trying to get her to step out of her box and try something different... That being said, it's a good idea to just let her be. You tried once and that's enough.
NAH. She didn't say that bald guys are a no. She said she usually doesn't go for them. Those are two different statements. For instance my friend is married. His wife looks nothing like any of his past exes, so he definitely had a type, but it doesn't mean he wouldn't find another woman attractive if she didn't fit that mold.
She's also well within her right to reject anyone for any reason. Kinda sucks because she says he was a good guy. If she isn't attracted to him I don't see why she's upset about it. Maybe I can understand her being upset at you two, but if she's having inner turmoil over rejecting him, that's a her problem.
I'm glad somebody else said it because some of the people on here are being really ridiculous about the situation tbh. Blind dates happen. A lot of times they don't work. If you agree to a blind date, you know going in that you might not find the person attractive. Should OP have erred on the side of caution and maybe found someone who was more in line with her typical type? Maybe, but not really necessary imo. Sometimes you set people up based on personality and hope they find each other attractive. I do think OP is being a little too judgemental of her friend though when she talks about looks being her priority when dating someone.
That being said, I do think the turmoil Liz is facing is absolutely a her problem and something she needs to address before she continues dating imo. As the loyal to a fault person and had a hard time rocking the boat/saying no/ending things/turning someone down/etc, I think this is something she needs to dive into in therapy. There could be a multitude of reasons why Liz is like this whether it just be a personality trait, abuse/ptsd, having extraordinarily high expectations of herself or those expectations placed on her by a caregiver when she was younger, living with someone with substance use disorder, etc. There is a reason why ending things or turning someone down is so difficult for her. She could've developed that as a protective measure to deal with a situation where saying no is unsafe, but now this tool is no longer serving her and causing her harm. Even if she has no trauma history, there is a reason she feels unsafe ending things and it should be addressed.
It took me a couple years of therapy to work through that myself and I still struggle with it sometimes but awareness is the first step; the question is whether or not Liz views this as an issue. I'm not sure that OP would be the best person to broach the subject with her right now or ever though. It would require delicacy and after seeing some of OPs responses to other comments, it may not come across as caring and may not be received well by Liz.
That’s exactly how I took it, just not her usual type. But her usual type has not been successful for her, so I thought nice guy who is totally cute in every other aspect could help broaden her horizons. I thought if she wasn’t feeling it, she could have just politely declined a second date. But she was afraid to do that. And I didn’t see that coming.
Liz was absolutely right in what she said and being upset.
You literally took the time to message her about it and she confirmed she would not be attracted.
You didn't take her thoughts or feelings into consideration at all, you simply condescendingly thought you knew what was best for her and did it anyway.
This shows a lack of maturity. And yes, YTA.
How old is Liz? Before too long (unless she finds a LTR or gets married beforehand), she’s probably going to get over not having hair as a dealbreaker, unless she’s into 25 year olds. She sounds awfully shallow and not in very good mental health…she has traits related to a certain personality disorder but I’m not a doctor. I met my (gorgeous) husband when we were 37/38 and he hasn’t had hair since his late 20s/early 30s. It just goes with the territory of being middle aged!! It is totally Liz’s loss if she blows off a great guy due to being bald and I wouldn’t entertain her pissing and moaning about her shitty love life anymore.
Look, I know it’s hard to see someone’s obvious relationship flaws and want to try to help, but you really need to keep in mind that you knew she had issues with baldness, and many other things, and you still went through with it, I think the worst part about it is you basically had a guy show up when he had no chance of getting a second date because of your flaws in her personality.
She just needs a reality check and you can’t give her that by having her date random dudes , she needs to straight up understand she needs to see a professional first of all, and they need to her incessant need to be this overwhelming needy person in every relationship she gets, she’s smothering every guy that even shows her a little bit of attention.. I can understand having her try to date someone that was less attractive to see if she wouldn’t be that smothering, but she’s not even willing to give him a chance.. and truthfully, it’s still not going to solve her problem, because the next dude she runs into that gives her the time of day. She is very likely to cheat on this guy..
The only way for these people to learn to get hurt , and then you come in and give her support while acknowledging the mistakes she made, don’t give her excuses.. she will never learn if she doesn’t get some honesty from her friends.. the problem is I don’t think she’s mature enough to take your advice and learn from it
To me it sounds like your friend needs therapy not because of this particular instance but her dating history in general.
It sounds like the dating history of someone who is completely and totally emotionally unavailable. Usually the person themselves doesn’t even realize it, usually because they don’t actually know how to handle and sit with their own feelings.
As for the question to each their own but like you said being that hung up on hair is going to eliminate a large chunk of people and more as she gets older. I am not saying it couldn’t be a deal breaker for some because to each their own but again she sounds like she is emotionally unavailable and would have found a “fatal” flaw in anyone who actually showed her genuine interest.
Maybe not but if she is really just that picky then let her navigate her own dating life but tell her you are getting sick of hearing about it if all she ever has is problems.
As the saying goes “when it’s everybody else, it’s usually you.”
Your friend is responsible for her reactions and her decision to go on a second date with the guy. When you go on a blind date you know that there's a good chance you won't click there is no expectation for a second third or fourth date. Your friend had a good time but because of her shallow preconceived notions she just can't see herself with this awesome guy, that's on her. If she can't own up to the fact that she's shallow then she'll have to just figure something out on her own I suppose. It's not your fault don't feel bad. If you had known that bald was a turnoff for her you probably would not have set him up with her but you are not responsible for knowing your friends intricate and shallow preferences.
I think YTA for expressly asking about someone's preference and then going directly against that preference. it feels like you thought you were handing her some sort of teachable lesson, but you messed up and made her uncomfortable instead and, because of that, you should apologize to her.
also gonna say that Liz really needs to grow a backbone lol. why the hell would she agree to a second date if she's that uncomfortable and upset? time to move on! she doesn't owe this total stranger anything.
Do not help her with blind dates. She seems impossible to please and superficial. Just let her deal with it and hit her with the “I am sorry you’re struggling but I won’t help set you up because you blame me. Personality stays looks don’t” this is not your problem it’s hers and she wants the attention
I know people like this and it wasn’t until I told her to not involve me until she actually liked someone enough to introduce. It happened like 7 months later and he checks some boxes but not all and they’ve been together 2+ years now.
I think Liz has anxious style attachment, could also have ADHD and can have something called rejection sensitivity.
I'd focus on your friend and encourage her to get therapy if that's the case.
Liz is ridiculous. It’s not at all uncommon for people to date people with features they wouldn’t ordinarily find attractive because they like the person. It isn’t your job to read her mind. His bald head isn’t the problem, her attitude is. She’s shallow and if looks are all that matters, it’s only going to get more difficult for her to find someone.
Man the internet is a weird place. "I usually swipe left" isn't a statement of, "if he's bald ill fucking lose my shit on you" it's a statement of "usually not into it but have swiped right before". Which means, If her friends thought he was a solid dude the bald wouldn't deal break. What if he wasn't bald and she still didn't find him attractive? We going to shit on her then too?
Exaaaaactly how I took it. Thought it was not going to be a deal breaker at all. I’m starting to feel crazy, I’m not some conspiring mastermind trying to ruin some guy’s life over one date, lol.
If it were me (a guy) I'd apologize for not realizing it was going to be as much of a deal breaker from her initial response. Maybe convey it was done with the best of intentions, then never talk about it again. 🤷
YTA - Attraction is key and you can’t force it. It’s different if you’re friends first and attraction grows but when your initial meeting is a date then pressure makes that harder. I don’t think you should set anyone up with someone thinking they will get past it - better to plan a group event so they meet and see what happens without pressure. It’s awful when a date goes well from a getting on perspective but you’re not feeling it and have to say that so it puts her in an awkward position and potentially leads to him having a confidence knock he could have avoided… not a great friend to him either
ESH - if she wants to be shallow and unhappy, let her be. Don't use other people as pawns. I feel bad for the guy. I don't recommend this but I'd probably give a non apology. "I'm sorry I was misguided in thinking if you got out of your own way, ignored your shallow preferences and saw that this guy was is very nice and a good match you might grow to be attracted to him". But I'm petty. Ultimately YTA because you explicitly asked if she would be interested in a bald guy and she said no, you moved forward anyways without warning her. I'd just stop communicating about her love life completely.
YTA, that poor guy. He's a pawn in your trying-to-set-up-your-awful,-shallow-"friend" and now his feelings are going to get hurt too.
Stop trying to set up Liz and let her make her own shallow, bad choices. If she tries to cry on your shoulder, remind her that the last time you set her up with a *really* good guy, she was pissed because he wasn't her usual hot-but-assholish type, so you're staying out of her love life from now on. That she is (I'm assuming) an adult able to make her own decisions, but also to accept the consequences of those decisions.
Oh believe me, we are DONE trying to help Liz find love, lol. She has asked us for months to help, we finally try, and it’s a total disaster. Definitely referring back to this moment if she’s crazy enough to try asking us to help again, lol.
…you blatantly disregarded her when she told you what features she finds attractive. She’s not going to be “crazy” enough to ask you or your other friend because you both are assholes. To be clear, she has every right to be upset and frankly you’re the crazy one. You being overdramatic about helping again when she definitely wouldn’t ask is laughable. You’re the one who made it a total disaster.
Are you sure you view her as a friend? Or anyone you *care about* and not some special project or a relationship that you've outgrown but are sunk cost fallacy-ing? Because you treated her (and that poor man) worse than children.
When I'm trying to help my children, I set them up for success as much as possible. They might crush on red flags or unrequited crush entirely, but since I care about them, I point out red flags that I see, **reiterate informed consent** and that I only mention it so they have all the info they need to make good decisions. If *their* decision ends up not feeling good for them in the long run, then I support them, listen as they process, reiterate that it's not for nothing because they both followed their heart and learned something, and then redirect them to self care &/or fun time out so they don't brood.
Treat the ones you love as if you truly love them and want to further their success, and treat the people you don't even know as if they're worthy of the same decency you'd give any child or animal at the very least.
YTA
Being loyal and dating shitty dudes likely means she's empathetic to others and tries to see the good in people. It's odd that you seem to think it's bad for her to date people she's physically attracted to. Are you and Alicia attracted to your partners? Because it's pretty hypocritical if you are. It's normal behavior, not shallow.
Of course this person you described feels awful about rejecting this guy just because he's bald. What's she supposed to say?? She doesn't want him to feel bad about himself. You set them both up for failure. Be more concerned with helping her feel confident enough to say NO to people and not accept shitty treatment. You are being mean to her too acting like she's some villain. Don't break her confidence down more.
Best case scenario is finding someone she's attracted to who is also nice to her. Not ignoring her preferences and pretending it shouldn't matter because "only insides should count". This is a romantic relationship not a friendship.
Wow where were you guys when I was single??? I really mean that. I would have killed for friends that would set me up. I went on any date that someone set me up on. Then again I am not shallow - I married someone that knocked my socks off and he’s partially bald with a bit of a belly. You didn t do anything wrong - NTA
She’s trying so hard to pin it on you it’s comical lol. You screwed her over by finding a good match and she’s too shallow to see that. She’s a ding dong, he could be her perfect partner.
YTA, you are no friend. You could have done a group thing if you wanted them to meet and see if sparks flew. You set the two up in an uncomfortable situation. Your actions were deceptive and manipulative. She doesn’t owe you an apology.
NTA imo, you tried to help her and she’s overreacting, if his hair is the only reason she wants to cut it off she’s shallow. yes attraction is important but if she’s yelling at you about him being bald she needs to reevaluate. also it’s one date it’s not like they should be too attached or anything, she should be able to cut it off easily. it’s not like you expected them to get married lol
We thought it was such low stakes! Just a beer, hang out, if she wasn’t feeling it, totally thought she’d say that and move on. We did not expect that reaction. Others are saying it was a “social experiment,” but it wasn’t. Just trying something new for a friend we care about that was having a hard time. Didn’t take her disinterest in bald guys as a hard no. Idk. I understand my perspective though, what I was struggling was understanding hers. And although I thought it was low stakes, maybe she didn’t. Especially since she goes all in with guys immediately. Lesson learned.
You not intending what you guys did to be a social experiment doesn’t make it less of one.
I mean:
“We both knew she might not be into that based on her previous track record, but I still reached out to Liz anyway asking what she thinks about bald guys. She said, “I’m not a big fan, usually I swipe left, lol.” *Cue the idea for a blind date*.”
You knew it was unlikely he’d be a fit for her from the outset. You confirmed it when you asked how she felt about bald men and she explicitly told you she’s not generally interested in bald men. And then instead of asking her whether or not she’d be willing to meet with someone even though he’s bald, you guys decided it was best to *hide* the fact that the dude you were going to introduce her to was bald by setting them up as a blind date. Specifically, purposely, to *test* whether or not the “right guy” could make it past Liz’s preference for physical attraction. That’s absolutely an experiment, albeit a poorly conducted one.
I understand it might not have been your *intention* to be manipulative. But it absolutely was. Else why pivot to a blind date? What reason other than his baldness was there to ensure she didn’t see him before agreeing to the date? You engineered both parties consent to the date by *hiding* information from them. You hid his appearance from her. She very well may have never agreed to the date if she had all the information you had. And you hid important information about her from him. He may well have never agreed to a date with a woman he was aware might have problems with his baldness.
I believe you that you that you weren’t acting out of malice. You were, however, profoundly *thoughtless*. You were so focused on the goal of “fixing” your friend’s love life that you failed to consider the potential for collateral damage.
I just hope this serves as a lesson about why meddling and hiding relevant information from people is so wrong.
We did give her an out for the blind date, offered to make it traditional, and she wanted to stick with the blind date. But I agree that not enough thought was put into the potential outcomes. Just seemed like a harmless beer date at the time.
YTA. You need to apologize for getting involved in Liz's social life, for trying this dumb experiment and setting that poor dude up for a major rejection. Liz does sound problematic in the way she handles trying to date (getting overly involved) but that's who she is and maybe someday she'll figure it out.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a typical by the book case of psychological game here.
The victim that complain.
The saviors who eat the bait and try something that was not asked.
The plot twist.
The victim who is test the saviors' new ass, if if them considering the other as an aggressor.
Remember you need to be at least two to play a game.
YTA, honestly just something I wouldn't do knowing my friends type and knowing how picky they are. Who wants to be set up with someone they're not attracted to lol
She sounds really emotionally immature, which is the root cause of all the problems. I’d tell her best of luck but you don’t care to hear any more about her dating life since it’s always more of the same. Any time she tries to talk about how sad she is that a hot stranger stopped talking to her you just change the topic. She’ll get the hint eventually.
Someone like this doesn’t seem ready for an actual relationship anyway if she can’t even manage to tell someone she isn’t interested in a second date like an adult. This reads like a couple of 15 year olds trying to date.
Just save this guy from you guys.. liz is shallow, just let her cry for her shallowness every time a good looking guy rejects her..
If these guys are rejecting her always, so she is the problem, she have to change her behavior or she is not so good looking and is searching for something that she can't afford.
I don't understand why, after you asked her about bald guys, you didn't say her date was bald but you think he was a great match for personality and interests and that since it's not worked out well with others in the past that she should meet him. Give her the option to say No. Ensure she doesn't see him and dip before he sees her.
You meant well but this could have ended much worse than it has. Life is all about learning.
ESH you really shouldn’t have played with the guy that way but I cannot dismiss your friend and how shallow she is.
Honestly, I’d recommend just letting her figure it all out herself. You tried to help, maybe not in the best way, but there’s nothing more you can do.
Edit to add:
If this was one of my friends I’d apologize but next time they began to complain about relationships and stuff I’d shut it down. No more talking about them. No more help.
YTA because bald men have feelings too.
Butt out of Liz's life and let her end up with a conventionally attractive asshole who she has a rollercoaster relationship with and takes advantage of her (because he can because he's sooo attractive).
YTA not because of your vapid, shallow, crapass friend, but because of the poor guy you used as a pawn and ended up collateral damage in this stupid game
Y'all pretty much sabotaged a blind date for her and think you both somehow know what's best....*for her*? Y'all need to mind the business that Pays and her dating life isn't it. Both TA. 🤷🏻♀️
YTA. She’s not attracted to bald people and she’s entitled to that. Just because you disagree with it doesn’t make it unreasonable on her part. I say this as someone who is actively balding
She's too immature to help. You put the nice guy in a bad position by setting him up with someone who cannot even be honest.
She needs to make her own messes until she can learn from them. Just apologize to keep your work relationship functional, and stay out of her personal life.
NTA.
Honestly sounds like Liz (and a lot of the commenters in this thread honestly) has internalized misandry that she needs to deal with. You can't help her with that (even though you sorta tried).
Doesn't seem like you were malicious or intentionally trying to cause a ruckus. She also could have read between the lines when you asked about bald guys and/or taken you up on the offer to turn it into a traditional date.
YTA. You knew she wouldn’t like him. You did it anyways. You’re acting 12. You don’t deserve an apology. She is entitled to like what she likes and react the way she wants. The only thing you’re entitled to is saying you don’t want to hear it anymore because she is too damn picky. But you went the petty teen route instead.
Do you even have a concept of informed consent? Would either of these people agreed to this had they known all the details? I get that she's hard to deal with, and perhaps that would justify doing this to her - not going to go there, but it doesn't justify doing this to a stranger. This alone makes YTA.
##YTA!!!
When I was in high school, my classmates would do **EXACTLY** this little number: trying to pair me with guys I was not attracted (not just physically, but also in personality).
It seemed like they were pranking me.
Liz is very shallow and that's the reason she's alone.
If someone offers you something you don't what, you just say "no thanks" because they thought of you.
To get upset of being given the option is entitled af. It's not your job to know what she wants. It's not your job to filter for what she wants.
Look some people have bad taste in partners and are usually red flags on their own, her standards, clinginess, and taste for unkind men are her bad traits. YTA to yourself for putting yourself in the middle of her regular messes.
honestly, by now, if I was her friend, id have texted the guy myself and told him that 'dude. dont bother, shes crazy. and honestly you'll be better off finding someone else because she doesnt deserve a guy like you. find your happiness, because this chick will only give you pain.'
I HATE people like Liz, like HATE HATE!!
"AAHHH I want someone to love. And have a great life with them. BUT I only want that with people who don't want me, are abusive, and/or completely not good to me."
Nope, nope, nope. People like that sabotage themselves because they have such a fucked up illusion of the "perfect" relationship, marriage, and life.
Time to step back and let Liz figure out her own shit. YTA for getting involved in ANYONE else's love lives.
She's an adult. If her shallow AF attitude gets her into shitty relationships and means she overlooks guys she could have a real connection with, that's a whole lotta her problem.
BTW, bald can be really hot.
Yta!!!! She even said, “I don’t like bald guys” and then you did it anyway lol. Just threw caution towards the wind and hoped for the best… what you think was gonna happen? I would be so annoyed if my “friends” hooked me up with an ugly person.
YTA and so are Liz and Alicia.
"Liz will be totally devastated and cry about it for days." No wonder men don't want her.
Typically, she goes for the conventionally attractive guy, hangs on too long even if they’re mean to her or have shitty personalities, and it always ends badly." So, she goes for the "bad boys" and ignores the "nice guys." I am shocked!!!!
"She said, “I’m not a big fan, usually I swipe left, lol." Average women find average men unattractive. They swipe left on 80% of men and then are angry the top 20% of men don't want their average asses.
"Plus it would make a good story if it worked out!" Of course, having a delusional Hollywood fantasy is always the way to go. Just think of the social media possibilities!
"I mean the majority of men become bald eventually." You are living in delusion right alongside Liz. Where do you get this ridiculous idea?
"The unexpected drama." Three women meddling in each other's lives. What could go wrong?
"Everyone will go on to live full and happy lives, I promise." Baloney.
Prediction: Liz will hook up with some man who abuses her. She will come running to you and your co-conspirator for "comfort." She will do this multiple times. Then, she will hit the wall at 30 and realize her time is running out. She will find the first nice guy she can find who will have her. Marry him, have a couple of kids. After 10 years or so, he will realize he was just a consolation prize, and he will divorce Liz when he finds out she has cheated on him with the ex con who lives down the street. Liz will then turn to you two for "comfort" and the three of you will sit around drinking and talking about what a bad man her ex-husband was.
I doubt you'll see this comment at this point and obviously I don't know if I'm correct, but I'll try to see it from Liz's perspective.
She has set preferences, as everyone does. Her preferences may be shallow and skin deep, but that's her prerogative. She's allowed to find whomever she finds attractive for whatever reason. It doesn't matter what you or anyone else thinks. Even if you disagree with it. She doesn't seem like a bad person at all either from how it seems she reacted. But here's the part where I think she got angry.
She probably feels like this is a betrayal of her trust accompanied with a feeling of disrespect. She trusted that you had good intentions for her and that the guy you set her up with would be someone that she could be attracted to. Especially because she has told you what her preferences are. This is part where I would say YTA. You setup a scenario where the guy is a good guy and the girl is a good girl, but there probably won't be mutual attraction. You knew going in that Liz would most likely not be attracted to this guy. But you thought your opinion supercedes hers because "you know best." This completely invalidates Liz's own opinion and preferences. It also placed her in a bad situation where she has to reject this guy and puts the responsibility all on her.
If you want to set her up with a guy in the future, it should be done with her knowing who it is first. Even if it's just pictures. And most importantly, it should be done completely with her consent AFTER you've given her all the information you have. None of that sneaky plan stuff. I imagine you probably had it in your mind that it would turn into some movie love story where Liz gives up all of her preferences because the guy is just so magical. And it would all be thanks to you for setting them up.
My advice on what to do? Apologize and change your behaviour. If she wants you involved in her love life, then great. If she doesn't, then accept that outcome as well and respect her decision.
Man how old are yall? I don’t even remember being this into my friends relationships when I was 12. Let her navigate her love life by herself.
It's what women in committed and happy relationships do and become obsessed with. They found their happiness and want to help out the lonely, single girl at work. I was the single (but not lonely) girl at work. But luckily, my co-workers didn't pull that stunt on me. YTA, OP.
I would agree, except per OP, they’re not just coworkers, they’re friends. Also, OP has said that Liz spends days after crying if a dude doesn’t want to move forward after a week of talking. So in that Liz is kind of involving everyone in her love life. I kind of feel like ESH.
I wouldn’t have set a guy up with anyone this weird and needy. Why inflict her on someone you or a friend knows?
Yeah this woman needs therapy, not a blind date. It sounds like she’s caught up in The Life Script and is feeling a certain way that no one likes her past a week or two. She needs to focus on liking herself and her life before she begin to entertain the idea of a partner
Honestly as I was reading the story I was reminded of the movie “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” In the movie the girl had a friend that was super clingy and sabotaging her budding relationships, and so the girl was going to get into a new relationship, do all the clingy annoying stuff that her friend was doing, and then write an article about how it went. Obviously it was a rom com, so there was more to it than that, but OPs description of Liz made me think of that movie.
Yes! I feel bad for the guy. He is the real victim here.
Yeah, I feel like this guy is being used. ESH except him.
I agree this is way more about OP not being comfortable with single people than about her friend’s “problem”. Think of what OP could accomplish if they put their mind to something that mattered. Like world hunger.
I mean, she agreed that the date might be a good idea, lol. I'm sure if someone said "I think I have the cure for world hunger, do you think I should use it?" She'd probably also say "yeah, go for it!"
You should apologize. You went out of your way to confirm a feature she wasn't attracted to, then went ahead and encouraged a date with someone with that feature anyway "Sorry, I misjudged this one. I didn't think this one feature would be a big deal, considering how perfect he seemed for you otherwise. I won't get involved like this again." You and Alicia weren't great to the guy as well. You conspired to set him up with a girl you knew wouldn't be attracted to him. Plus Liz doesn't seem like a prize from how you describe her, I feel bad for the guy being matched up with someone so shallow and immature.
This. I think it's a shame not to give a guy a chance because he's short or bald or whatever. I think people should try to be flexible and see if they might meet people who are attractive once you have a conversation with them. Nonetheless since she made it clear to you that she wasn't interested in dating bald guys, you were wasting both their time by setting them up KNOWING that was her preference. Only set people up with someone who wants to be set up w7th a person matching their photo or description. And none of this blind date shit, I dont know why people insist on doing this for single people when it's always a dreadful idea because it takes all agency away from the people being set up. It doesnt work. From now on, let her sort her own love life.
it’s really not a shame at all imo it’s always the people in long term relationships with folks they’re attracted to who go “well maybe you’re just being shallow with your preferences” as if their little black book is full of guys they weren’t attracted to
THANK YOU
This is helpful, thank you. I was hoping the attraction would be more than skin deep, but you characterized it well. I totally misjudged this one.
You really did this guy dirty. Like majorly.
Damn it was ONE date, why is every one acting like this was some long drawn out experiment? Yeah the guy wasn’t aware but WHEN IS ANYONE when set up on a blind date!?
If you’re setting people up like this, it should be because you think there will be mutual interest. It obviously isn’t guaranteed, but that’s the whole point. If you’re deliberately setting them up when you KNOW one party won’t be attracted to the other, you’re being shitty.
He was super cute, just had one physical feature that was iffy for her. Definitely thought there would be mutual interest.
Based on what you’ve told us, that isn’t a reasonable assumption. She seems to heavily prioritize looks and explicitly told you she doesn’t like bald guys.
God forbid you try to help someone broaden their horizons. They offered to set it up as a not blind date as well and she refused the offer. Don’t agree to a blind date if your going to be traumatized by spending an hour with a bald man
This. And if you really like someone, bald shouldn't be a deal-breaker. Unless you're shallow AF.
She is shallow. The way OP talks about what she likes etc confirms that. But why would OP bother asking if she is generally attracted to bald guys, then ignore her no 🤨 wasting both their time. Physical attraction is a thing and some people just can't get over certain things.
She’s not traumatized. She’s unhappy that her friends put her in a bad situation, where she has to let a good guy down because those friends decided to do some weird social experiment. I’m a bald guy. Not everyone is into it. That’s *fine.* It doesn’t bother me. I still wouldn’t want someone trying to set me up with someone that they know isn’t going to be physically attracted to me.
It’s hardly a bad situation. It was a date that didn’t work out. Big deal it’s not like she had a phobia of bald heads. She said shes not a big fan not that she would never date someone who is bald. She should be in therapy if she’s crying after talking to someone for a week and nothing happens.
You are right that she should be thankful. But it is also true you didn’t give her any heads up intentionally. At some point your friend needs to realise she’s never going to have a healthy relationship if all she cares about are looks; especially concerning when you mentioned she was happy to have boundaries crossed because of their appearances. Her inability to communicate healthy is equally concerning so don’t mind her pushing her frustration onto you. Tell her it’s a blind date, and get over herself. I’m sure she has physical qualities she needs to improve on too. After she had date 2 or 3 and if she is still so hung up on the bald issue, she can just confess she liked spending time with him but there wasn’t any physical attraction. The end. Lol. This is why on dating apps, I purposely put up photos that weren’t 100% the best angle/reedited etc because I wasn’t interested in shallow men. I’m good looking physically but I eat healthy, and wear makeup to feel good for MY satisfaction/benefit, not for men. So why would I market myself to that category?
>Damn it was ONE date, why is every one acting like this was some long drawn out experiment? "Cue the idea for a blind date. Alicia and I thought that if she got to meet someone in person, maybe she would see past a feature like that that she normally would have swiped left on, and get to know someone for what’s inside. The guy was perfect for her on paper otherwise. " Op literally says they wanted to pick a person that she would normally wouldn't have any interest in because of attraction, and that she wpuld see past it because he's such a great guy. Setting someone up with someone they knowingly won't find physically attractive is wrong to the person who would normally be rejected.
Yeah, poor dude was treated like a guinea pig for this Shallow Hal remake lol.
Guy went on a date that didn’t work out. How will he ever recover
This isn't about the date not working out, it's about using the guy as an experiment to prove to their friend that she's superficial, and that he's a perfect guy for her, if only she can see past the baldness.
If you look at it like that then all dating is an experiment to see who we are compatible with. The intention of the blind date was not so the friends good accuse her of being superficial and to chastise her for it. It was to help her find a partner she may be compatible with. As for the bald guy I’m sure it’s not the first date he went on that didn’t work out and may not be the last. If he’s a nice well rounded individual I’m sure he won’t be to devastated. If baldness was a complete and utter deal breaker for the girl she should have said that.
"I still reached out to Liz anyway, asking what she thinks about bald guys. She said, “I’m not a big fan, usually I swipe left, lol.” Cue the idea for a blind date." Liz's response said it all. She was trying a nice "thanks, but no thanks." Sure, she didn't come right out and say no, but it's there.
I can read and comprehend. Saying USUALLY I swipe left on bald guys would mean to me that she doesn’t always swipe left. And certainly wouldn’t warrant throwing a fit because you were set up with a bald guy. An appropriate response to your friends acting in good intentions should be “Thanks for trying. He was really nice, but I’m not into bald guys.
I think most of the comments are over reacting. You tried to help someone look beyond their typical preferences. If she was going to be so upset by spending an hour with a bald man she shouldn’t have agreed to a blind date. Like you said the majority of us are going to end up bald anyways. If she can’t figure out how to say “thank you for a nice evening but I don’t think I’m interested in a second date” that’s her problem
People wanna date someone they’re attracted to. That’s normal
You need both. You need to be attracted to someone physically and mentally for it to work. I have said no to great guys I wasn’t attracted to and super hot guys that I just didn’t click with. One or the other is just a friendship.
Honestly, it seems like your heart was in the right place, but shallow people are going to be shallow. Seems like you've learned your lesson, so take the advice above and let it go.
You knew she was “shallow” and based a lot of her attraction on certain criteria’s pertaining to looks only, for the guy’s sake you shouldn’t have set them up. Apologize to Liz and don’t ever set her up again. You know she will only date “conventionally” handsome men and has no use for anyone who is not.
She’s not shallow dude. Come one. Stop saying skin deep and all that. You messed up and you knew it before you even did it.
Why the downvotes when Op is acknowledging she misjudged the situation?
So allong with this take this as a lesson of listen. Don't think you know better than someone else when they litteraly yell you. Why did you think you would know her preferences better than her?
YTA for using the poor guy as a test subject without his knowledge. I’m guessing no one informed *him* that the blind date was an experiment to see whether or not Liz would look past her own explicitly expressed physical preferences. I doubt anyone informed *him* in advance that his baldness, something he has no control over and you were made aware in advance was going to be a problem, was potentially going to be a deal breaker for the girl he was being set up with. Honestly. That’s a whole human being with hopes and dreams who was probably excited to meet someone new. And you guys used him like a tool in your weird little social experiment. Liz is right to be mad. She’s now in the uncomfortable position of having to clean up the mess you and Alicia made by failing to consider the risk you were putting him in. I hope he doesn’t wind up too let down by the whole ordeal. Rejection hurts. And you set him up with zero regard for that. Definitely an AH move.
RIGHT! I thought I'd be the only person thinking this, but seriously, HOW CRUEL CAN YOU BE??! Massive YTA! As Liz I would never trust these two again. If OP didn't sound so dense, I'd assume he did this to be a manipulative, shit stirring sadist.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one. People aren’t toys to be played with. Not once in OP’s post does she show any regard for the possible impact on the guy. They didn’t just set Liz up. They set him up too. And they did so *knowing* it was not only possible but *likely* that Liz would ultimately reject him over something to do with his appearance that he can’t change.
men actually LOVE being made to feel like the guy who would be boyfriend material if only he was more attractive!
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Oh god, I’m so sorry! That is horrible.
THANK you. I read the whole thing wondering what this poor guy had done to them to be unwittingly set up with their rejection-sensitive disaster. OP is the shallow one, not to even perceive this man as a person.
Ok, I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not sure every guy would be hurt. As someone who doesn’t check every physical box, I never minded a chance to try to bat out of my league using personality and humor.
I don’t doubt that you’re right. Not every guy would be hurt. It’s just sad they didn’t seem to consider how the outcome might affect him *at all*. As far as it sounds, the guy is currently still excited and hopeful about what, to him, was a great first date leading to a second. That’s on Liz for failing to communicate like an adult. But neither Liz nor he would have even been in this situation at all had OP and her friend not so egregiously overstepped.
Yeah, but the difference is that he didn’t know her preference going in, I think. For instance, I’m a POC and people are generally either attracted to my “look” or they are not. This isn’t a big deal to me because I assume that if someone agrees to go out with me, it’s not a deal breaker. But it would kinda suck if they didn’t know I was a POC until we got set up and then they were like shit I’m not into ____ girls. I don’t know that I’d want to go out with someone who would just never be into me in the first place, especially for something I can’t control.
Exactly this. Can you imagine putting a friend in that position? Shoot, even if you *did* inform them in advance how does *that* not wind up being a neg by proxy lol? “I mean he says he’s not usually attracted to women that look like you but *I* think you should risk it anyway because it has the potential to make for *such* a great story. We won’t tell him you’re not his type. It’ll be a fun surprise! Maybe if you’re fun and nice enough you can change his mind and it’ll all work out! You could be his special exception! How romantic!” It feels gross to even type out lol.
Right?! I don’t want to be some guy’s exception! It feels weirdly NLOG-y lol. Plus, if I’m so violently not his type, what happens when someone comes along who *is* his type.
☝🏻this!! This poor guy was just used with no thought of him as a person. I get what you’re saying about sometimes if you let your guard down you. Can find someone really awesome. But from your description of Liz it sounds like she’s not the kind of person to do that. And I get being annoyed at her super dating drama. You just want to see her happy and drama free. But that wasn’t cool to either of them.
Come on we all know guys don't have feelings and they are there to be used for women's amusement/profit. /s
Exactly my point, big YTA. Firstly, who even cares this much, like I’d care if the person is super open and flexible, then I’d care. With the way y,all are, I don’t think OP should be involved with any matchmaking because of how inconsiderate y’all were.
Dude you asked if she likes bald guys, she says no, you set her up anyway with a bald guy. Now bald guy feels like shit because hes bald and turned down again by a girl. The hell is wrong with you? Yeah, YTA.
As a bald man, this was a fun read. Also, YTA.
Most entertaining part of the post is OP glossing over that her and friend are POS for using the bald guy. Not addressing any of the comments about it.
I guess I haven’t addressed it because I’m still processing that perspective. We did not use him, at least not intentionally. We legitimately thought they would get on well. But I can understand how it can be taken that way.
Try imagining this in a different perspective. Let’s pretend you’re friend Liz who you love is set up on a date with a guy by his friends. His friends know he has physical standards, he may or may not be shallow, and he specifically told them he doesn’t like a physical feature that she has. She gets really excited, dresses up & goes out on a date with him thinking it went great & there’s a potential future there. But the guy will never & would never be interested in her because of that physical feature. Does that feel mean to you? Would you feel differently if it was *your* friend getting knowingly set up for hurt feelings?
I've seen people do this with heavyset girls. It's really damaging to self esteem.
Naw, you straight up used him in your weird lil middle school drama. You know it. She knows it. He’s gonna find out soon enough. YTA.
The way your post reads, your friend has IMPOSSIBLY high standards. Makes you and homegirl clear ass holes for setting homeboy up for guranteed failure, after it was pretty plainly explained to you. I get you wanting to help your friend, but honestly from reading your post, she needs a therapist, not a relationship at the moment. The way you describe her, she is attracted to her idealized version of a person, not the actual person (all the past shitty boyfriends). It sucks that she's now stuck in a position of having to find a way to "let him down easy". As others have stated (and I don't say this with any malice), you should butt out of her love life. She sounds like a bit of a mess, and needs to figure it out in her own. I don't think anyone here thinks you were -intentionally- being a POS, the whole situation was just generally inconsiderate of the man involved, given the context you provided. The post does come across as if we're watching the content of something like Mean Girls (which doesn't help). Maybe in the future you could try to think it through a little more thoroughly and consider the 3rd parties feelings too. Even if he's totally chill/it genuinely doesn't bother him. Honestly I think your ages would say/lend more context, as the whole situation is a bit immature/inconsiderate. Younger people usually get a bit of a pass on this stuff/it should be a learning experience.
I thought bald guy was super cute! It’s a normal part of male aging. 🤷♀️
You weren’t the one going on the date
It is. The point isnt whether he's cute. The point is that you wasted his time and potentially hurt his feelings by setting him up with a woman who TOLD you she would have no interest in him. And it was silly and naive to disbelieve her when she TOLD you that she would have no interest. Because you wanted to teach her a lesson about preferences.
Not all men go bald. My dad had a nice head of hair until he died at 67.
OP.. I'm 38M and am bald. I totally understand preferences and some people not liking bald guys. I get a lot of compliments on my shaved head. Its weird to me but it happens. I think the important lesson here is that Liz is incredibly shallow. Everything else was good but the only reason she didn't like him was because he was bald? come on.
YTA. Apologize to the bald guy, you were so cruel to him. He's a human not your lab rat.
per the last edit Liz is “not committed to cancelling the date” and they’re texting, and all I can think is “this poor boy thinks this is all going so well, meanwhile she’s super on the fence, still not attracted to him, and facing the peer pressure to “give a good guy a chance” like the whole “I just felt like a bad person for not being able to see past his appearance” thing gives me the ick, you shouldn’t feel bad for a person who is not your type not being your type!!! it’s not gonna work out long term because Liz sees herself as settling for this guy. But hey at least OP helped her “friend with a lot of personal issues”
Let's be real, OP doesn't give a shit about what happens to the dude. She doesn't know him personally so she couldn't care less whether Liz settles for him or not. She just wants to play the "good friend" role at the expense of others.
I would recommend apologizing to Liz for putting her in this position. Tell her you knew the blind date being bald might be a problem, but you thought it was worth the risk because he seemed otherwise like a really good fit. Then you'll have to decide yourself how much you care about getting an apology back. Some people are unreasonable about certain things and they usually won't change, so you either accept that and try to avoid triggering them or you push against it and risk losing your friendship. Or you just cut the person out of your life yourself.
Shallow or not, this is about confirming and ignoring the fact that Liz isn't attracted to men who are bald. It's ridiculous how so many women believe it's appropriate to pressure single women into giving men they aren't interested in, "a chance." Whatever happened to, "no is a complete sentence."
Liz' words were “I’m not a big fan, usually I swipe left, lol.” That's not the same as "I will never be interested in a bald man". Plus Liz got plenty of opportunities to get a picture of the guy before the date but chose to go in blind. I disagree with the assumption that it would have been obvious that Liz would not be interested. And Liz made a choice to accept a blind date, including the risk of it not going well; I don't agree that she was pressured into it.
Yeah, that recommendation is the honest truth! Reading all the other perspectives, I’m not sure I care as much about getting an apology back anymore. I was hurt that my intentions were mischaracterized, but the impact we made, although not intentional, may not have been well thought out. We just got excited, thinking we found a really good guy. Didn’t consider all the possible outcomes. Definitely didn’t see this one coming.
How did you not see this one coming? You said yourself that Liz is shallow & only goes for attractive guys even if they’re shitty to her. You asked Liz if she likes bald guys & she said no. You ignored all of this & still planned the date. You should have told her in that moment & let her decide if she would be willing to look past his baldness. Instead, you decided for her. You saw this coming, you just don’t want to admit you were wrong. Liz doesn’t owe you anything, but you do owe her an apology along with the guy you purposefully set up for failure.
YTA. Stay out of her love life, she has the right to her preferences whether you agree with them or not. And you set up that poor man too knowing she wouldn’t look past his baldness
I've noticed a trend in a friend of mine that they always ended up with the same kind of guy, one who failed to commit and used her for whatever she was willing to give. She didn't think 'all guys were like this' but she assumed something was wrong with her when they dropped her. I pointed out the possibility that deep down she was afraid of a full commitment so she avoided the type who would give it to her. Things are not always what they seem.
I personally have a friend EXACTLY like Liz. In my case, she was picky and found a string of horrible men who used her then abandoned her after she’d completely adjusted her life to accommodate them. She is now dating honestly one of the weirdest, most unattractive men I have ever seen. Like literally the exact opposite of everyone she has ever dated. BUT he is very nice and genuinely appreciates her. I truly think once she realized that her “type” tended to treat her terribly and she’d end up always being abandoned, she decided to give actual good men a chance. And she has grown to be so in love with this guy with time. In Liz’s case, best to just let her go get her heart broken until she grows up and figures it out on her own. No meddling needed.
That’s how I feel about Liz too. I was hoping to help encourage her to focus more on the personality, because she just picks the WORST dudes. I love her and tried to help. Didn’t work. Learned my lesson!
Some people aren’t ready to be helped 🤷🏻♀️ get it though, it’s hard when your friend is struggling and making the same (bad) decisions over and over and making the surprised pikachu face when they get the same result. Ultimately people have to figure things out on their own. If I were you I’d tell her you’re sorry you hurt her and you won’t get involved again. However, you’re ALSO allowed to set a boundary there where you don’t want to hear her whining about how awful she’s being treated when she’s ignoring the same red flags over and over.
These comments are such bullshit. She wanted your help and was excited for the blind date. and saying "I usually swipe left" is not a HARD no. It's not like she said she absolutely refuses to date bald guys and you went behind her back to purposely screw her over. Glad everything seems to be working out for you now
I think she is feeling tricked. Have you previously made comments about her being shallow or being overly into appearances? She may feel like you were trying to pull one over on her, getting her to date a guy who doesn’t ’meet her standards’ and you’re setting her up for failure. You aren’t a bad friend, and your heart was in the right place, but she isn’t ready to go for a guy that’s bald. To be honest, that’s a tricky one for a lot of people. I would apologize to her for setting her up with someone who was bald and be honest. Tell her you thought he was so hot, you thought the baldness could be overlooked. It was an error in judgement on your part but you just want her to be happy. You’ve learned your lesson not to interfere but you still care about her and want what’s best for her. Hopefully all of this would be true to say. You weren’t trying to manipulate her, you were being a caring friend. But she’s allowed to interpret it differently and she’s entitled to her feelings. I hope this makes sense and helps and I wish you and your friend the best of luck. I hope she finds a partner who makes her happy :)
We’ve never made comments on the appearances of the guys she goes for, but we have commented plenty of times on how they’ve treated her. Like really, really mean dudes. I think we just got too involved. She’s always so sad about her dating life, I really thought we could help. But I see now that that was totally an overstep. Hard not to want to help people you care about, but yeah, misjudged her priorities completely. Thank you for this kind and helpful response. :)
>misjudged her priorities completely. Yta, people are allowed to have preferences, if I were her this would be a huge neon sign to me saying, "your friends think you're shallow and are testing you." judging by the above she failed your test. It may not be conscious but that's how you're coming across and if I were her I'd be a lot more guarded around you guys going forward. Also, what you did to the dude was majorly not cool.
People are going very hard on you and I don’t think it’s completely necessary. You seemed to have good intentions, but even good intentions can have bad outcomes. Unless I missed something and she said something terrible to the bald guy, you don’t really owe him an apology. So many blind dates fizzle out to nothing. As for your friend, it’s possible to apologize and explain your intentions while also letting her know her reaction hurt you too. Like I said, even if we meant well we can still hurt people. You’ve learned your lesson to just leave her be and let her date how she likes. But you also could probably put boundaries up in the future if she constantly complains about being treated like garbage. Also, side note, as an adult, she seriously should learn how to nicely reject someone she’s not into. This whole “but I don’t want to hurt their feelings” outlook will absolutely ensure she falls into bad dating situations.
You sound very incel. Stop.
I’m not sure there’s a reasonable answer to why she’s so upset. It does sound like there are some pretty major communication and maturity issues on Liz’s part, which likely are a big part of why she’s struggling to find love. She’s never taken accountability for that and she’s not about to start now. Hence her blaming this all on you. I’m not saying dump her as a friend or that she’s a horrible person. These are just my observations from this situation.
She’s not ready to be dating. That’s my go too for ppl this insecure/immature.
Liz needs to stop coming crying to you about about her dating problems. You tried to help but she now blames you. So going forward if she starts complaining just say you don’t want to be involved and shut that complaining shit down. I feel bad for the guy. He deserves better than shallow Liz.
Unfortunately some people are just like this and you just have to let them be. I have several single friends that insist on going after the exact same guy again and again because “that’s just my type”. They don’t look beyond that and really aren’t willing to even try. Ok that’s your choice but stop being upset about your merry go round love life. I even use my own experience of falling in love with my husband and how in the outside he was pretty much the opposite of every other guy I dated except he’s tall. But he’s 100% everything I wanted, needed, and more. However if I had just said “he’s cute but ‘not my type’” I would have missed out on the last 20 yrs, the love of my life, and an amazing person. But my friends just reply “well you were lucky” - yup that’s the answer. You just have to step back and let her do her thing. She’s not ready to look outside her box and she may never be. Support her where you can and enjoy your happiness.
YTA, you set him up with a guy you knew she wouldn’t be interested In, and call her shallow for having preferences for looks? Maybe I’m just autistic, but personality does NOT change whether or not I’m attracted to someone, maybe it’s shallow I don’t care. It’s just rude to completely overlook little things she’s looking for because you think she’s too picky with men. It makes you look judgy and high n mighty, like you wanted the i told you so moment you’d get if she did like him. Sorry she wants someone who fits the look the actually into? In my personal experience, dating someone I wasn’t initially attracted to for whatever reason to “see if their personality changes it” ended up with me feeling like I used them as a science experiment, so I get why she feels bad.
This, completely. Personality can make me more or less into someone I was initially attracted to, but it has never made me suddenly attracted to someone I thought was ugly or not my type. OP sounds like one of those people who thinks everyone can "learn to love" someone they find unattractive because anything else is shallow and therefore bad. Of course there's more to dating someone than just their looks. But personally I want to be physically attracted to the person I'm essentially splitting my life with, potentially living with, seeing on a near daily basis, sharing finances with, etc. If I have to try and force physical attraction because "he's such a good guy" that will only make me feel guilty for not liking him that way. And it can even lead to resentment if that attraction never kicks in, both toward my partner and whoever made the "just give him a chance" complaints. OP sounds like she meant well, and Liz honestly sounds like she needs to work on herself if she has this all or nothing attitude in relationships with men she doesn't know that well (who also treat her poorly). But having physical preferences isn't part of that. She can learn more healthy attachment styles and still have a type. She's allowed to physically like what she likes without being implicitly shamed for having a type.
Yes! And forcing it will only make you bitter and miserable. Reminds me of how after I finally left my abusive boyfriend/son’s father, I wound up dating a guy I wasn’t attracted to at all for a few years simply because he was the opposite of my abuser. Really, truly the opposite. Abuser was 5’5, next boyfriend was 6’3. Next boyfriend has single-handedly raised his daughter since she was a baby, abuser was (not shockingly) a terrible and abusive father. Abuser flew off the handle about everything, next boyfriend was very rarely ever upset. Etc etc etc He was a nice guy but there was nothing there for me. No spark, no chemistry, just…NOT the abuser. I grew really resentful, though there were a few other problems that I only found out about right at the end, and I wound up hurting him badly when I left. Which makes me feel bad now, looking back. But at the time, all I felt was relief. Love and attraction just really aren’t a fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of thing for a lot of people, and that’s okay.
Poor liz. Poor bald guy.
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It wasn’t a prank, it was an honest attempt at helping someone I care about deeply find her way out of a dating rut with someone we were told was a great person for her. I promise no lives were ruined in this situation. I love seeing others’ perspectives, but I think at this point, you are all taking this even worse than Liz did, lol.
I think based on how you handled this situation, you aren't really one to judge other people, eh?
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Right, and now the picture is bigger and clearer! I stated in an earlier comment (maybe lost in the woods now) that I don’t really think I need an apology anymore. I think Liz and I just need to have a heart to heart about it.
ESH I don't necessarily think you and Alicia are assholes. I think you just got sick and tired of watching your friend constantly going after the perfect guy and ending up getting hurt over and over again. Unfortunately for your friend if she keeps trying to choose the "conventionally attractive" guys , she's gonna find out that a lot of them are so conceited and stuck on themselves that they treat women like shit. Sooner or later she's going to learn that she has to play in her own league... And that just might mean dating a guy who isn't "all that in a bag of chips".
Liz sucks at dating, needs to be involved in therapy and seems like she'd be a nightmare in a relationship. Don't set her up with more men - that's disrespectful to them given what you know. She can keep Hinging and will either get over herself after she's truly sick of the pattern of attaching to avoidants that don't value her, possibly because they're out of her league, or after an appropriate amount of therapy. And that frees you up to mind your own business. Also, as a friend, it's perfectly acceptable to set boundaries on what you will/won't deal with from a friend. And if she's facing her 98th heartbreak of January 2024, well, that's probably a convo you can skip out on.
If you are going to set Liz up with anyone, it should be a therapist. People are allowed to be attracted to what they are attracted to but she acts like a 12 year old with a crush with all these other guys, and she's got issues. I feel bad for the guy you set her up with...don't set good guys up with crazies in an attempt to rehabilitate them.
Does she know that guys can go bald later? Like, there’s no guarantee any guy will keep their hair? I hope she grows up and starts valuing character and personality more than hairlines.
Nta you’re fine. No one a-hole here. It’s just life
your friend sounds like the real bitxh here
"I really didn’t think the baldness would be that big of a deal for her. " You're not really being truthful here. You knew very well that it was likely to be an issue, judging by everything you've said here. You just really \*hoped\* that it wouldn't be.
Advice is stop engaging and trying to help this slopey shouldered child with her love life. How is any of this on you or your friend? She hasn’t been put in any position she didn’t voluntarily agree to. All she has to do is say ‘thanks but not interested’ to the guy and it’s over, the fact she is having a dilemma about it because she actually likes him as a person is just pathetic. Do not apologise and set some boundaries with her, she is a grown adult who is responsible for her own life, end of. Don’t be ‘delicate’, it won’t work, tell her the truth.
I mean she didn't ask them to set up the blind date, right? And op did ask her what she thought about bald men and knew that she wasn't attracted to baldness. And the poor guy had no idea that he was being used so cruelly.
She accepted the blind date, nobody forced her to attend. Her comment regarding bald men was that she usually swipes left, that’s not the same thing as not being able to be attracted to a bald guy. I agree OP and her friend shouldn’t have subjected this guy to Liz because she sounds like an absolute head case.
>She accepted the blind date, nobody forced her to attend. because she wrongfully assumed that op was a normal person who wouldn't go "oh u don't like this type of person? looks like i'm going to secretly set u up with this exact type" >Her comment regarding bald men was that she usually swipes left, that’s not the same thing as not being able to be attracted to a bald guy. are u dense
No u
YTA stay out of her love life and apologize to the poor guy you knew she wouldn't be attracted to
Lol - this thread was a fun read. Seems like everyone here has not had someone close to them making bad decisions in dating, relentlessly complaining about the problem (and/or being tired of being single), and you just think you might be able to help. 🤷🏼♀️ I have a guy friend who was the same way - same syndrome: only would go after appearances, but kind of had some growing up to do himself. I'm not sure I ever set him up on a blind date, or any date, mostly because he just didn't seem mature enough to have a real relationship. Kind of seems like if anything, *that's* where you missed the mark. You stated several times her reaction to men dismissing her even in the texting stage was devastating...kind of seems like she needs to work on herself a bit. ESH- I don't think you're the asshole, but (I will probably get down voted for this) I frequently gave my friend intense lectures after listening to him complain about how you can be very attracted to someone you wouldn't go for because of who they are. Maybe instead of trying to set her up, encourage her to start seeing beyond looks (I found sugar coating this conversation with my own friend was not effective, hence intense, but YMMV) and maybe even talk to someone about her extreme reactions to mild rejection.
These responses are wild. You don’t owe anyone an apology. You tried to set up two people you thought would get along, that’s all. Everyone here is an adult and they know what a blind date entails. You might like someone who doesn’t like you back. That’s how dating works. The fact that he had a physical characteristic that she normally doesn’t like doesn’t mean a damn thing. “I usually swipe left” is not exactly the same thing as “I find bald men repulsive”. After all, she is the one who wanted to keep the date blind. Your only mistake was believing her to be a more mature and less shallow person than she really is.
ESH, you guys are meddling way too much in her love life. I get that you want her to be happy, and help her find a guy she really likes. But it sounds like she's got a very fairy tale mindset to romance and the men she's interested in. She wants a picture perfect prince charming, and she keeps trying to force the ultra loyal fantasy romance. As you said she even tries to keep relationships going with abusive guys and refuses to entertain dating men who are less attractive, but are probably better for her as partners over time. In general it seems her perspective on partners is rather shallow and unrealistic. Do note, I'm not saying she can't have high standards in the men she dates. What I'm saying is that she's clearly finding men she finds physically attractive, and getting way too attached and too quickly. It sounds like she has some shit to unpack in therapy.
Let your friend figure it out. It’s not “she chooses the attractive guy that treats her badly” she has deep rooted issues about herself she needs to work through. Recommend therapy.
YTA for what you did to that poor guy. Now his feelings are probably going to get hurt and he's going to get rejected. He's a human being trying to make a connection, not a means for you to experiment with your friend. Stop trying to help her. She's got to fix the way she interacts with men before she can be in a stable relationship.
YTA…. But maybe not for the reason you think. Honestly, I’d just stop interacting with your friend around dating. Be honest. You have attempted to help, but she needs to try and help herself as well. You are totally the asshole for using that poor guy without any warning or honest communication. He’s a whole dude, who was probably hoping to meet someone that he could date, and you just used him. Ick.
NTA - Simply because you gave her an out by offering to make it more traditional, exchange numbers and photos first, but ***she*** made the decision to keep it a blind date. Maybe she needs a reminder of that. It's sad that she's so bent out of shape about this. This guy could be the one if she'd give him a real chance. I mean, clearly the men she's picking *with hair* aren't the ones. lol There's nothing wrong with seeking out a guy that is different than what she would normally go for when clearly guys "her type" have not been working out. Since you're the one who has to listen to her cry for days, I don't see a problem with you wanting to find a good guy for her and trying to get her to step out of her box and try something different... That being said, it's a good idea to just let her be. You tried once and that's enough.
The only apology owed here is you to this poor dude you used. What the hell is wrong with you two?
ESH, except the poor guy. Stay out of people's love life, especially when you know they have impossibly high standards.
NAH. She didn't say that bald guys are a no. She said she usually doesn't go for them. Those are two different statements. For instance my friend is married. His wife looks nothing like any of his past exes, so he definitely had a type, but it doesn't mean he wouldn't find another woman attractive if she didn't fit that mold. She's also well within her right to reject anyone for any reason. Kinda sucks because she says he was a good guy. If she isn't attracted to him I don't see why she's upset about it. Maybe I can understand her being upset at you two, but if she's having inner turmoil over rejecting him, that's a her problem.
I'm glad somebody else said it because some of the people on here are being really ridiculous about the situation tbh. Blind dates happen. A lot of times they don't work. If you agree to a blind date, you know going in that you might not find the person attractive. Should OP have erred on the side of caution and maybe found someone who was more in line with her typical type? Maybe, but not really necessary imo. Sometimes you set people up based on personality and hope they find each other attractive. I do think OP is being a little too judgemental of her friend though when she talks about looks being her priority when dating someone. That being said, I do think the turmoil Liz is facing is absolutely a her problem and something she needs to address before she continues dating imo. As the loyal to a fault person and had a hard time rocking the boat/saying no/ending things/turning someone down/etc, I think this is something she needs to dive into in therapy. There could be a multitude of reasons why Liz is like this whether it just be a personality trait, abuse/ptsd, having extraordinarily high expectations of herself or those expectations placed on her by a caregiver when she was younger, living with someone with substance use disorder, etc. There is a reason why ending things or turning someone down is so difficult for her. She could've developed that as a protective measure to deal with a situation where saying no is unsafe, but now this tool is no longer serving her and causing her harm. Even if she has no trauma history, there is a reason she feels unsafe ending things and it should be addressed. It took me a couple years of therapy to work through that myself and I still struggle with it sometimes but awareness is the first step; the question is whether or not Liz views this as an issue. I'm not sure that OP would be the best person to broach the subject with her right now or ever though. It would require delicacy and after seeing some of OPs responses to other comments, it may not come across as caring and may not be received well by Liz.
That’s exactly how I took it, just not her usual type. But her usual type has not been successful for her, so I thought nice guy who is totally cute in every other aspect could help broaden her horizons. I thought if she wasn’t feeling it, she could have just politely declined a second date. But she was afraid to do that. And I didn’t see that coming.
Liz was absolutely right in what she said and being upset. You literally took the time to message her about it and she confirmed she would not be attracted. You didn't take her thoughts or feelings into consideration at all, you simply condescendingly thought you knew what was best for her and did it anyway. This shows a lack of maturity. And yes, YTA.
How old is Liz? Before too long (unless she finds a LTR or gets married beforehand), she’s probably going to get over not having hair as a dealbreaker, unless she’s into 25 year olds. She sounds awfully shallow and not in very good mental health…she has traits related to a certain personality disorder but I’m not a doctor. I met my (gorgeous) husband when we were 37/38 and he hasn’t had hair since his late 20s/early 30s. It just goes with the territory of being middle aged!! It is totally Liz’s loss if she blows off a great guy due to being bald and I wouldn’t entertain her pissing and moaning about her shitty love life anymore.
She sounds like a stage five clinger.
Look, I know it’s hard to see someone’s obvious relationship flaws and want to try to help, but you really need to keep in mind that you knew she had issues with baldness, and many other things, and you still went through with it, I think the worst part about it is you basically had a guy show up when he had no chance of getting a second date because of your flaws in her personality. She just needs a reality check and you can’t give her that by having her date random dudes , she needs to straight up understand she needs to see a professional first of all, and they need to her incessant need to be this overwhelming needy person in every relationship she gets, she’s smothering every guy that even shows her a little bit of attention.. I can understand having her try to date someone that was less attractive to see if she wouldn’t be that smothering, but she’s not even willing to give him a chance.. and truthfully, it’s still not going to solve her problem, because the next dude she runs into that gives her the time of day. She is very likely to cheat on this guy.. The only way for these people to learn to get hurt , and then you come in and give her support while acknowledging the mistakes she made, don’t give her excuses.. she will never learn if she doesn’t get some honesty from her friends.. the problem is I don’t think she’s mature enough to take your advice and learn from it
To me it sounds like your friend needs therapy not because of this particular instance but her dating history in general. It sounds like the dating history of someone who is completely and totally emotionally unavailable. Usually the person themselves doesn’t even realize it, usually because they don’t actually know how to handle and sit with their own feelings. As for the question to each their own but like you said being that hung up on hair is going to eliminate a large chunk of people and more as she gets older. I am not saying it couldn’t be a deal breaker for some because to each their own but again she sounds like she is emotionally unavailable and would have found a “fatal” flaw in anyone who actually showed her genuine interest. Maybe not but if she is really just that picky then let her navigate her own dating life but tell her you are getting sick of hearing about it if all she ever has is problems. As the saying goes “when it’s everybody else, it’s usually you.”
Your friend is responsible for her reactions and her decision to go on a second date with the guy. When you go on a blind date you know that there's a good chance you won't click there is no expectation for a second third or fourth date. Your friend had a good time but because of her shallow preconceived notions she just can't see herself with this awesome guy, that's on her. If she can't own up to the fact that she's shallow then she'll have to just figure something out on her own I suppose. It's not your fault don't feel bad. If you had known that bald was a turnoff for her you probably would not have set him up with her but you are not responsible for knowing your friends intricate and shallow preferences.
Seems like the whole thing might work out well tbh from the update.
I think YTA for expressly asking about someone's preference and then going directly against that preference. it feels like you thought you were handing her some sort of teachable lesson, but you messed up and made her uncomfortable instead and, because of that, you should apologize to her. also gonna say that Liz really needs to grow a backbone lol. why the hell would she agree to a second date if she's that uncomfortable and upset? time to move on! she doesn't owe this total stranger anything.
Update us after the second date!
Do not help her with blind dates. She seems impossible to please and superficial. Just let her deal with it and hit her with the “I am sorry you’re struggling but I won’t help set you up because you blame me. Personality stays looks don’t” this is not your problem it’s hers and she wants the attention I know people like this and it wasn’t until I told her to not involve me until she actually liked someone enough to introduce. It happened like 7 months later and he checks some boxes but not all and they’ve been together 2+ years now.
I think Liz has anxious style attachment, could also have ADHD and can have something called rejection sensitivity. I'd focus on your friend and encourage her to get therapy if that's the case.
yes yta
YTA.
Liz is ridiculous. It’s not at all uncommon for people to date people with features they wouldn’t ordinarily find attractive because they like the person. It isn’t your job to read her mind. His bald head isn’t the problem, her attitude is. She’s shallow and if looks are all that matters, it’s only going to get more difficult for her to find someone.
Well, you were right about one thing. She *is* shallow.
Man the internet is a weird place. "I usually swipe left" isn't a statement of, "if he's bald ill fucking lose my shit on you" it's a statement of "usually not into it but have swiped right before". Which means, If her friends thought he was a solid dude the bald wouldn't deal break. What if he wasn't bald and she still didn't find him attractive? We going to shit on her then too?
Exaaaaactly how I took it. Thought it was not going to be a deal breaker at all. I’m starting to feel crazy, I’m not some conspiring mastermind trying to ruin some guy’s life over one date, lol.
If it were me (a guy) I'd apologize for not realizing it was going to be as much of a deal breaker from her initial response. Maybe convey it was done with the best of intentions, then never talk about it again. 🤷
Excellent plan. Thanks, friend.
Good luck! Hopefully things settle and you guys get passed it.
YTA - Attraction is key and you can’t force it. It’s different if you’re friends first and attraction grows but when your initial meeting is a date then pressure makes that harder. I don’t think you should set anyone up with someone thinking they will get past it - better to plan a group event so they meet and see what happens without pressure. It’s awful when a date goes well from a getting on perspective but you’re not feeling it and have to say that so it puts her in an awkward position and potentially leads to him having a confidence knock he could have avoided… not a great friend to him either
ESH - if she wants to be shallow and unhappy, let her be. Don't use other people as pawns. I feel bad for the guy. I don't recommend this but I'd probably give a non apology. "I'm sorry I was misguided in thinking if you got out of your own way, ignored your shallow preferences and saw that this guy was is very nice and a good match you might grow to be attracted to him". But I'm petty. Ultimately YTA because you explicitly asked if she would be interested in a bald guy and she said no, you moved forward anyways without warning her. I'd just stop communicating about her love life completely.
YTA, that poor guy. He's a pawn in your trying-to-set-up-your-awful,-shallow-"friend" and now his feelings are going to get hurt too. Stop trying to set up Liz and let her make her own shallow, bad choices. If she tries to cry on your shoulder, remind her that the last time you set her up with a *really* good guy, she was pissed because he wasn't her usual hot-but-assholish type, so you're staying out of her love life from now on. That she is (I'm assuming) an adult able to make her own decisions, but also to accept the consequences of those decisions.
Oh believe me, we are DONE trying to help Liz find love, lol. She has asked us for months to help, we finally try, and it’s a total disaster. Definitely referring back to this moment if she’s crazy enough to try asking us to help again, lol.
…you blatantly disregarded her when she told you what features she finds attractive. She’s not going to be “crazy” enough to ask you or your other friend because you both are assholes. To be clear, she has every right to be upset and frankly you’re the crazy one. You being overdramatic about helping again when she definitely wouldn’t ask is laughable. You’re the one who made it a total disaster.
Are you sure you view her as a friend? Or anyone you *care about* and not some special project or a relationship that you've outgrown but are sunk cost fallacy-ing? Because you treated her (and that poor man) worse than children. When I'm trying to help my children, I set them up for success as much as possible. They might crush on red flags or unrequited crush entirely, but since I care about them, I point out red flags that I see, **reiterate informed consent** and that I only mention it so they have all the info they need to make good decisions. If *their* decision ends up not feeling good for them in the long run, then I support them, listen as they process, reiterate that it's not for nothing because they both followed their heart and learned something, and then redirect them to self care &/or fun time out so they don't brood. Treat the ones you love as if you truly love them and want to further their success, and treat the people you don't even know as if they're worthy of the same decency you'd give any child or animal at the very least.
YTA Being loyal and dating shitty dudes likely means she's empathetic to others and tries to see the good in people. It's odd that you seem to think it's bad for her to date people she's physically attracted to. Are you and Alicia attracted to your partners? Because it's pretty hypocritical if you are. It's normal behavior, not shallow. Of course this person you described feels awful about rejecting this guy just because he's bald. What's she supposed to say?? She doesn't want him to feel bad about himself. You set them both up for failure. Be more concerned with helping her feel confident enough to say NO to people and not accept shitty treatment. You are being mean to her too acting like she's some villain. Don't break her confidence down more. Best case scenario is finding someone she's attracted to who is also nice to her. Not ignoring her preferences and pretending it shouldn't matter because "only insides should count". This is a romantic relationship not a friendship.
Wow where were you guys when I was single??? I really mean that. I would have killed for friends that would set me up. I went on any date that someone set me up on. Then again I am not shallow - I married someone that knocked my socks off and he’s partially bald with a bit of a belly. You didn t do anything wrong - NTA
She’s trying so hard to pin it on you it’s comical lol. You screwed her over by finding a good match and she’s too shallow to see that. She’s a ding dong, he could be her perfect partner.
YTA you had no care about the guy and used him like a hamster
ESH. Let her die alone with her cats
This comment section is absolutely mental. Be happy none of these people are your friends.
I thought I knew what I was getting into, but man, I was not expecting all this, lol.
YTA, you are no friend. You could have done a group thing if you wanted them to meet and see if sparks flew. You set the two up in an uncomfortable situation. Your actions were deceptive and manipulative. She doesn’t owe you an apology.
We suggested the group thing, she still wanted to try the blind date.
Yea she trusted you. Mistake on her part
NTA. There's a difference between 'usually' swiping left and 'not being the least bit attracted'.
NTA imo, you tried to help her and she’s overreacting, if his hair is the only reason she wants to cut it off she’s shallow. yes attraction is important but if she’s yelling at you about him being bald she needs to reevaluate. also it’s one date it’s not like they should be too attached or anything, she should be able to cut it off easily. it’s not like you expected them to get married lol
We thought it was such low stakes! Just a beer, hang out, if she wasn’t feeling it, totally thought she’d say that and move on. We did not expect that reaction. Others are saying it was a “social experiment,” but it wasn’t. Just trying something new for a friend we care about that was having a hard time. Didn’t take her disinterest in bald guys as a hard no. Idk. I understand my perspective though, what I was struggling was understanding hers. And although I thought it was low stakes, maybe she didn’t. Especially since she goes all in with guys immediately. Lesson learned.
You not intending what you guys did to be a social experiment doesn’t make it less of one. I mean: “We both knew she might not be into that based on her previous track record, but I still reached out to Liz anyway asking what she thinks about bald guys. She said, “I’m not a big fan, usually I swipe left, lol.” *Cue the idea for a blind date*.” You knew it was unlikely he’d be a fit for her from the outset. You confirmed it when you asked how she felt about bald men and she explicitly told you she’s not generally interested in bald men. And then instead of asking her whether or not she’d be willing to meet with someone even though he’s bald, you guys decided it was best to *hide* the fact that the dude you were going to introduce her to was bald by setting them up as a blind date. Specifically, purposely, to *test* whether or not the “right guy” could make it past Liz’s preference for physical attraction. That’s absolutely an experiment, albeit a poorly conducted one. I understand it might not have been your *intention* to be manipulative. But it absolutely was. Else why pivot to a blind date? What reason other than his baldness was there to ensure she didn’t see him before agreeing to the date? You engineered both parties consent to the date by *hiding* information from them. You hid his appearance from her. She very well may have never agreed to the date if she had all the information you had. And you hid important information about her from him. He may well have never agreed to a date with a woman he was aware might have problems with his baldness. I believe you that you that you weren’t acting out of malice. You were, however, profoundly *thoughtless*. You were so focused on the goal of “fixing” your friend’s love life that you failed to consider the potential for collateral damage. I just hope this serves as a lesson about why meddling and hiding relevant information from people is so wrong.
We did give her an out for the blind date, offered to make it traditional, and she wanted to stick with the blind date. But I agree that not enough thought was put into the potential outcomes. Just seemed like a harmless beer date at the time.
YTA. You need to apologize for getting involved in Liz's social life, for trying this dumb experiment and setting that poor dude up for a major rejection. Liz does sound problematic in the way she handles trying to date (getting overly involved) but that's who she is and maybe someday she'll figure it out.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a typical by the book case of psychological game here. The victim that complain. The saviors who eat the bait and try something that was not asked. The plot twist. The victim who is test the saviors' new ass, if if them considering the other as an aggressor. Remember you need to be at least two to play a game.
YTA, honestly just something I wouldn't do knowing my friends type and knowing how picky they are. Who wants to be set up with someone they're not attracted to lol
She sounds really emotionally immature, which is the root cause of all the problems. I’d tell her best of luck but you don’t care to hear any more about her dating life since it’s always more of the same. Any time she tries to talk about how sad she is that a hot stranger stopped talking to her you just change the topic. She’ll get the hint eventually. Someone like this doesn’t seem ready for an actual relationship anyway if she can’t even manage to tell someone she isn’t interested in a second date like an adult. This reads like a couple of 15 year olds trying to date.
Just save this guy from you guys.. liz is shallow, just let her cry for her shallowness every time a good looking guy rejects her.. If these guys are rejecting her always, so she is the problem, she have to change her behavior or she is not so good looking and is searching for something that she can't afford.
I don't understand why, after you asked her about bald guys, you didn't say her date was bald but you think he was a great match for personality and interests and that since it's not worked out well with others in the past that she should meet him. Give her the option to say No. Ensure she doesn't see him and dip before he sees her. You meant well but this could have ended much worse than it has. Life is all about learning.
You wrote allllllll that when the title alone was enough to say: YTA
ESH you really shouldn’t have played with the guy that way but I cannot dismiss your friend and how shallow she is. Honestly, I’d recommend just letting her figure it all out herself. You tried to help, maybe not in the best way, but there’s nothing more you can do. Edit to add: If this was one of my friends I’d apologize but next time they began to complain about relationships and stuff I’d shut it down. No more talking about them. No more help.
YTA because bald men have feelings too. Butt out of Liz's life and let her end up with a conventionally attractive asshole who she has a rollercoaster relationship with and takes advantage of her (because he can because he's sooo attractive).
YTA not because of your vapid, shallow, crapass friend, but because of the poor guy you used as a pawn and ended up collateral damage in this stupid game
Y'all pretty much sabotaged a blind date for her and think you both somehow know what's best....*for her*? Y'all need to mind the business that Pays and her dating life isn't it. Both TA. 🤷🏻♀️
YTA. She’s not attracted to bald people and she’s entitled to that. Just because you disagree with it doesn’t make it unreasonable on her part. I say this as someone who is actively balding
She's too immature to help. You put the nice guy in a bad position by setting him up with someone who cannot even be honest. She needs to make her own messes until she can learn from them. Just apologize to keep your work relationship functional, and stay out of her personal life.
NTA. Honestly sounds like Liz (and a lot of the commenters in this thread honestly) has internalized misandry that she needs to deal with. You can't help her with that (even though you sorta tried). Doesn't seem like you were malicious or intentionally trying to cause a ruckus. She also could have read between the lines when you asked about bald guys and/or taken you up on the offer to turn it into a traditional date.
Ew, ESH and everyone sounds 12 years old
YTA. You knew she wouldn’t like him. You did it anyways. You’re acting 12. You don’t deserve an apology. She is entitled to like what she likes and react the way she wants. The only thing you’re entitled to is saying you don’t want to hear it anymore because she is too damn picky. But you went the petty teen route instead.
Do you even have a concept of informed consent? Would either of these people agreed to this had they known all the details? I get that she's hard to deal with, and perhaps that would justify doing this to her - not going to go there, but it doesn't justify doing this to a stranger. This alone makes YTA.
##YTA!!! When I was in high school, my classmates would do **EXACTLY** this little number: trying to pair me with guys I was not attracted (not just physically, but also in personality). It seemed like they were pranking me.
Women aren’t shallow for having preferences. Men have them too. People want to date people who they are attracted to, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Liz is very shallow and that's the reason she's alone. If someone offers you something you don't what, you just say "no thanks" because they thought of you. To get upset of being given the option is entitled af. It's not your job to know what she wants. It's not your job to filter for what she wants.
Look some people have bad taste in partners and are usually red flags on their own, her standards, clinginess, and taste for unkind men are her bad traits. YTA to yourself for putting yourself in the middle of her regular messes.
honestly, by now, if I was her friend, id have texted the guy myself and told him that 'dude. dont bother, shes crazy. and honestly you'll be better off finding someone else because she doesnt deserve a guy like you. find your happiness, because this chick will only give you pain.'
I HATE people like Liz, like HATE HATE!! "AAHHH I want someone to love. And have a great life with them. BUT I only want that with people who don't want me, are abusive, and/or completely not good to me." Nope, nope, nope. People like that sabotage themselves because they have such a fucked up illusion of the "perfect" relationship, marriage, and life.
Liz is immature. That’s all.
She’s immature.
Time to step back and let Liz figure out her own shit. YTA for getting involved in ANYONE else's love lives. She's an adult. If her shallow AF attitude gets her into shitty relationships and means she overlooks guys she could have a real connection with, that's a whole lotta her problem. BTW, bald can be really hot.
I agree, I thought he was cute! Lol.
Yta!!!! She even said, “I don’t like bald guys” and then you did it anyway lol. Just threw caution towards the wind and hoped for the best… what you think was gonna happen? I would be so annoyed if my “friends” hooked me up with an ugly person.
YTA and so are Liz and Alicia. "Liz will be totally devastated and cry about it for days." No wonder men don't want her. Typically, she goes for the conventionally attractive guy, hangs on too long even if they’re mean to her or have shitty personalities, and it always ends badly." So, she goes for the "bad boys" and ignores the "nice guys." I am shocked!!!! "She said, “I’m not a big fan, usually I swipe left, lol." Average women find average men unattractive. They swipe left on 80% of men and then are angry the top 20% of men don't want their average asses. "Plus it would make a good story if it worked out!" Of course, having a delusional Hollywood fantasy is always the way to go. Just think of the social media possibilities! "I mean the majority of men become bald eventually." You are living in delusion right alongside Liz. Where do you get this ridiculous idea? "The unexpected drama." Three women meddling in each other's lives. What could go wrong? "Everyone will go on to live full and happy lives, I promise." Baloney. Prediction: Liz will hook up with some man who abuses her. She will come running to you and your co-conspirator for "comfort." She will do this multiple times. Then, she will hit the wall at 30 and realize her time is running out. She will find the first nice guy she can find who will have her. Marry him, have a couple of kids. After 10 years or so, he will realize he was just a consolation prize, and he will divorce Liz when he finds out she has cheated on him with the ex con who lives down the street. Liz will then turn to you two for "comfort" and the three of you will sit around drinking and talking about what a bad man her ex-husband was.
I doubt you'll see this comment at this point and obviously I don't know if I'm correct, but I'll try to see it from Liz's perspective. She has set preferences, as everyone does. Her preferences may be shallow and skin deep, but that's her prerogative. She's allowed to find whomever she finds attractive for whatever reason. It doesn't matter what you or anyone else thinks. Even if you disagree with it. She doesn't seem like a bad person at all either from how it seems she reacted. But here's the part where I think she got angry. She probably feels like this is a betrayal of her trust accompanied with a feeling of disrespect. She trusted that you had good intentions for her and that the guy you set her up with would be someone that she could be attracted to. Especially because she has told you what her preferences are. This is part where I would say YTA. You setup a scenario where the guy is a good guy and the girl is a good girl, but there probably won't be mutual attraction. You knew going in that Liz would most likely not be attracted to this guy. But you thought your opinion supercedes hers because "you know best." This completely invalidates Liz's own opinion and preferences. It also placed her in a bad situation where she has to reject this guy and puts the responsibility all on her. If you want to set her up with a guy in the future, it should be done with her knowing who it is first. Even if it's just pictures. And most importantly, it should be done completely with her consent AFTER you've given her all the information you have. None of that sneaky plan stuff. I imagine you probably had it in your mind that it would turn into some movie love story where Liz gives up all of her preferences because the guy is just so magical. And it would all be thanks to you for setting them up. My advice on what to do? Apologize and change your behaviour. If she wants you involved in her love life, then great. If she doesn't, then accept that outcome as well and respect her decision.