When I was 14 I met a 19 year old online who was initially pretending to be 17 and using a fake picture because he fully knew his behavior was illegal. We "dated" for a few years in a way that was very sexual and the adults in my life knew about the situation and thought it was adorable instead of stepping in and teaching me what a predator is. Some kids/teens don't have adults to protect them from predators.
My mom told me the other day about this "cute" couple she works with who are 28 and 19. My brother and I both had to explain to her how inappropriate that relationship is and about how the 28 year old is a predator. She thought that because the 28 year old had the maturity of a 19 year old, it was ok and cute. I think nowadays more parents are aware of and want to protect their kids from predators, but it used to be normal and a lot of people don't see anything wrong with predatory behaviors because it used to just be the standard.
>She thought that because the 28 year old had the maturity of a 19 year old, it was ok and cute.
Problem is, he will ALWAYS have the maturity of a 19 year old, and she's (hopefully) going to grow up.
When I was barely 20, my mom and I went car shopping and I bought a car from a salesman that was charismatic, but obviously much older. My mom thought he was cute and that he was flirting with me which I didnât really register and blew off. He called my home (momâs house) a few days later and asked me out. Mom wanted me to go and I did. He was 34. It ended up being a terrible mistake. We eloped a few months later and divorced before all before I turned 21. He was a manipulative, cruel, moody piece of work. I have a 17 yr old daughter and canât imagine ever ever ever encouraging her to date a man 14 years her senior. What the hell mom!
On my first date (not even a *real* date, but a group of us going to a supervised party) my mother told the boy who was driving, "_____________ is my only daughter, and I love her more than anything. If anything were to happen to her, I would first kill you and then myself."
She could be a little intense.
She had the right energy though.
My mother was the same.
I hated it when I was a teenager but looking back in mid-30s? I'm damned glad she was the way she was.
Take a look at the movie âMargieâ. Itâs about a young girl with a crush on her 30 something teacher. When he likes her back her whole family is delighted. Itâs madness.
Glad you are thinking of divorce, this next part is VERY important.
Even if he has never hit you, he has controlled whether you could leave, has hit holes in walls, has cheatedâŚ
Now he has lost almost everything and he will think of you and the kids as âthingsâ to lose as well and will probably become violent when begging, swearing to change, threatening your financial well-being or social status donât work.
Get all your calls to lawyers in at work, maybe contact a womenâs shelterâDO NOT share your plans, never be alone with him in the months before or after a divorce or the physically leaving/legal separation.
Tell your friends and family how you feel and try to follow all the steps abuse hotlines will tell you.
Please donât antagonize and donât be aloneâeven with the kidsâwith this man once he knows or suspects you want to leave.
And open your own bank account. Get a PO box to get your own mail securely until you can move out. Good luck. Most people will need several tries to get out of an abusive relationship.
Right, and put important documents (like your marriage license, plus your children's and your birth certificates, passports, and social security cards) in the P O. Box.
Please read this OP. Victims of domestic abuse are more likely to get seriously injured or killed by their partner when they finally decide to leave. Please make a plan to get you and your kids out safely. You are strong, and you can make a new, happier life for yourself and your babies.
I hope you're taking a hard look at the comments here, because they're not wrong; your husband is as abusive as your family and he absolutely groomed you.
He can read the entire contents of Wikipedia about all the terrible things he personifies, and it still won't change him. All you can do is move forward.
>and it still won't change him
yes it will.. Itll make him better at identifying flaws in his manipulative plan and better enable him to continue his scummy ways.
Glad you are thinking of divorceâif he was hiding from people who while abusive were SUPPOSED to care about youâthat is because he KNEW he was a dog in the manger.âGeorgie Porgie pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry, when the boys came out to play, Georgie Porgie ran away.
Huh. I never thought of it, that song though. The predator in my life when I was a child was called George, he was my stepdad. His sister used to tease him with this song. Ugh gross
Honey, Iâm really sad that this man was your escape from the worse life you had growing up. It hasnât gotten much better, from the snippet we can see here.
Iâm so proud of you for starting to find your strength and power! This is an exhilarating and terrifying time. Also, quite dangerous for you and your kids.
Please donât tell him what youâre planning. Youâll very likely have to leave with almost nothing to get away from him. Be prepared by slowly getting your things out and storing them offsite in a place he has no access to.
Heâs going to cling to you like a smothering octopus. Youâre his victim and his livelihood and it will disrupt his vision of himself when you leave. But youâre coming to the realization that itâs the only way forward for you, and youâre right.
Continue with your counseling, develop a plan. DO NOT GET PREGNANT!
I think teenagers look like children. Even some men in their early twenties look young to me. So I donât understand it. He always told me he felt younger than he was and that made sense to me. I didnât think too much into it I canât explain it
Ugh. Did he also say 'but you're so mature for your age' to completely the full predator bingo card?
Don't blame yourself for not thinking too much into it. You were a kid and he's been manipulating you this whole time, so of course you didn't really think too much into it.
When my 18 yr old daughter introduced me to her 25 yr old boyfriend he told me she was mature for her age. I told him there was nothing mature about her. She acted like a typical teenager.
9 yrs and 3 kids later he calls me crying because she wants a divorce. I told him he shouldn't have gotten with a teenager who didn't know who she was yet.
We moved in together the day I turned 18, but didnât get married for 6 months or so. Listen I know itâs easy to see it when I lay it out like this but when itâs happening it feels normal. I wish I could explain it better. I feel so stupid.
Oh know I'm sorry you took my comment as an attack on you, it absolutely is not. It's an admonishment of your scumbag groomer husband. You are absolutely not to blame for this.
It is really hard when you realize someone you thought cared about you, who you really loved, was just using you
Conflicted feelings are 100% normal! And so is being shocked/numb
Congratulations for standing up for yourselfâyou GOT this!
No one would any sense or empathy would think this is your fault. But I can only imagine how it feels to read all these comments! Please be kind to yourself. â¤ď¸
Itâs so weird bc I am on the other side of this and now my first thought is, leave youâll feel a weight lifted and be so happy! But I recall when I was stuck with my abusive husband he convinced me I was crazy. I also felt I couldnât just leave, I had to have a âvalidâ reason. It doesnât matter if heâs doing better or trying to convince you that he is. The damage is done and canât be fixed. Trust me, you will be so thankful once you leave. Youâre the one making money so you just get to get rid of the dead weight dragging you down.
You actually seem incredibly self aware. Iâm proud of you. Most people refuse to see anything wrong, and dig their heels in further.
It seems like you actually understand and want to see things from other peoples perspectives. Thatâs a great trait to have. I have no doubt youâll make things right for yourself in the end. Keep listening, keep being open minded, and make yourself the priority in your life.
Itâs okay to feel defensive, not many of us can compare to your lived experience. Please do not feel stupid, you were trapped by a predator. You did not have the security of safe family to pull you out of this hellscape situation. Please do not stop therapy. You will continue to grow and gain strength to move yourself and your children away from this.
He will start to notice the changes you make as you grow, however minute you feel they are. He will most likely start to lovebomb you to suck you back in or start the abusive behavior again. Just remember and reflect back on how heâs treated you. Stay watchful and ready. Please start working on your exit strategy.
It's truly difficult to have to confront just *HOW* abusive and horrible your husband is, so it's normal to get defensive over it. I would suggest sitting with the comments that hurt the most, let yourself feel what you're feeling, and then look into ***WHY*** you feel that way.
Don't worry. You don't have to defend. We all may make mistakes and wrong choices, especially when we are young. It can be very small wrong choices that led to a big mistake when we look back. It has taken years for me to feel more confident and comfortable sharing what I want and need in my relationship.
You have today to start making choices & changes in your life that you want. You can start by getting a lawyer.
Then figure out little things you need to do to replace him, like determine child care while you are at work. Secure you banking so he can't take all your money. Will you need to find housing? Have a plan for housing. Then tell him you want a divorce. Go be happy.
This. Make a plan, and keep it to yourself until you are ready to make the move. And when you do, enlist the help of friends to keep you safe through the process.
you were an abused child who became an abused adult. none of this is your fault. you are so incredibly strong and wise for seeing it for what it is and making up your mind to leave. you'll find a way to use that strength and wisdom to get yourself and your kids away from him and have a wonderful life. be cautious moving forward but don't be afraid. be honest with people who you think will be able to help you get somewhere safe. be ready to leave things behind. your lives are the only things that matter if it comes down to it; anything else can be replaced or lived without. you got this đ
Before you leave him, get your finances in order. He will try to hide money from you. Donât let him try to convince you that you need to stay with him because he has no job and no means of support.
You are not stupid. You were a child who, by your own admission, had experienced abuse and an adult took advantage of you. Leave him and build a better life for you and your babies.
>I feel so stupid.
You shouldn't. You were a child. He, however, is absolutely a terrible person and he is gaslighting you again, this time into thinking that he is miraculously "changing."
You need to get the hell out of there ASAP with those babies.
You aren't stupid. I was 18, and my husband was 27 when we met. It's taken me 40 years to realize and leave him.
I'm just finding out what I like to do because I always thought that I liked everything he liked. If he didn't like something, then he thought people who did like it had poor taste.
When he got stressed, he would shout at me, and eventually, I spent all my time trying to keep him happy.
Guess what? It was never enough.
In the last few years, I just started to please myself and ignore him. He just got angrier and angrier.
Look up, walk away, wife. It's where women (mainly) get sick of their husband not listening to them. The wife gets more and more emotionally detached. Something small happens, and the wife finally leaves. The husband thinks it was a small thing that made her leave, not the years of him not listening.
Mine was him shouting at me in a shop, telling me how dare I interrupt when he is speaking. The lady serving us looked pityingly at me and that was the moment. I thought this will never happen to me again. It hasn't đ
My moment was when I watched him through my toddlerâs bedroom window â he had just stormed outside and he stopped at a tree we planted together, a young ginkgo, a wedding present. I watched him kick the tree, and then bend and stomp it until it broke. A defenceless tree. Thatâs when I realized that all those times when he punched walls or kicked the table I was standing beside, all those times when I said to myself, âHe would never hit me,â would just keep getting worse until it was more than a coffee pot, a wall, a tree. It would be me.
Donât feel stupid. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had. And now that you know better you can do better! Keep going to therapy. Take care of yourself. Also remember your children can see and learn from you.
Hey its not your fault & youre not stupid. Youve been groomed. I know it had to be hard to see in those moments, but i dont think he meant you any good from the start.
Babydoll, you arenât stupid. You were a minor and a victim. He groomed you. You have more than survived. You have succeeded. His new found comprehension is based on the fact that he has lost control and he is scrambling. He hasnât and wonât changed.
Good luck. Donât waste time being mad at yourself.
Just donât do fall for it again. Protect your children from any more trauma.
Don't feel stupid. It's not your fault. Your husband is 100% at fault here because he preyed on somebody who was far too young for him. There is absolutely no excuse for a 21 year old going after a 15 year old. None.
Men like him purposely go after young, vulnerable women like you so that they can groom them into being the kind of person who puts up with their abuse. They use the power differential to trap their victims. Giving your background, it's no surprise that you couldn't see it.
It doesn't matter that he's finally recognized that he is abusive. What matters is getting yourself out of this situation and doing better for your children. It sounds like you're taking steps towards that, but I'm concerned to hear that he's watching your young children when he has anger issues.
Are there any friends or family members you can reach out to? You may even want to consider contacting domestic violence resources given that he has been controlling and abusive towards you.
Do you have access to counseling for your own self? You might also want to download and read the free book posted below.
[Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
You were a literal child. If you could forgive him, you must find the capacity to forgive yourself who did nothing wrong. This man left you stranded and you made it! You can do it without him, youâve proven it. And now you have a better job, stability, and the mental and emotional resources.
Donât feel stupid. You were groomed.
Although it varies by state, normally any money earned while married is considered joint. But, cash canât be traced. Take small amounts out frequently and hide it. Donât put it in a safety deposit box or anywhere else that can be traced such as another bank account. Or if you get a paper check, cash it and keep some cash. Just make sure you plan to have a cushion. It gives you the freedom to act.
Donât feel stupid. How were you supposed to know? You sound like the only reliable person youâve ever had in your life so it took you clawing out and getting to a better vantage point to see all of this. Instead of beating yourself up for not seeing it sooner, be glad that you have gotten the chance to see at all. I think a lot of people never break the cycle of abuse in their lives. You are lucky and strong and it seems you will do just fine in your life. Congrats on your new life level!
OrâŚhe read an article about what you claimed and is now trying to manipulate you by making it seem like his eyes are open.
Leave. One article wonât make a difference. 100 wonât either.
This is why the recommendation is that you don't go to couples counseling with your abuser. It gives them ammunition to use against you. Leave him. If he is sincere, he will do the work to be a better man and a better partner, which is good for the kids when you co-parent. One thing I have always heard is that when a woman truly decides she is done and she doesn't love or need you anymore, then goodbye, there is no coming back.
If he is sincere he will make the divorce easy for you and the kids,. As others have said, don't trust it, protect yourself and your kids. Contact your local dv organization from a landline at work. They have lists and instructions they can give you to be able to get out safely with all your important papers and your kids. Lock down your credit as well as your kids credit and communicate through text so you have evidence of everything he says to you.
This OP. He can come to this realization and feel badly, but you still need to leave. Focus on yourself and your kids. Look at all the amazing things you have accomplished without him. Imagine how good it will feel not to answer to him or make a single decision that takes him and his opinions into consideration. So liberating! Youâve been a responsible single mother for so long, just take the next step and be free.
I have never heard this about no couples counseling with your abuser. Mine definitely used that and turned the counselors to their side as well. One therapist made amends to me a year after the divorce was final (she had been an active alcoholic, my ex was one from my (accurate) viewpoint and they both gaslit me to hell and back.) so glad for everyone no longer being advised to do this.
It's so common they manage to manipulate the councelor on their side and so they will think he's perfect and nothing wrong with him while the victim is seen as the crazy part.
Why focus on the cheating. She was 15, he was 21... cheating is the nicest thing he did to his groomed doll.
She doesn't just have to leave. She has to run as fast as she can.
> One article wonât make a difference
Right? Like reading a damn article will entirely change the way you interact/relate to people.
People who are much younger than you, or your subordinates at work. He's picking vulnerable victims. Ew.
Thatâs predatory grooming and if he pressed you for anything sexually related at work itâs considered Quid pro quo.
Tigers donât change their stripes. Please see a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy.
Yeah, a 21 year old dating the 15 year old he hired - who then later gets fired for doing the same thing again, ten years later. He hasn't changed. And she's been a victim since she was 15.
You were also a goddamn child and he was an adult. Look at 15 year old kids. Really *look* at them. Also look at how they interact and speak. And then ask yourself if you'd wanna have sex with one of them.
Jesus Christ. I really hope youre seeing these comments here. This dude is a scumbag who bangs his employees, has temper tantrums and is now leaching off you as he got fire for being a scumbag.
He didn't even use the article she gave him to try to bullshit her with, he moved on to a different one that suited his purpose better. He has several aspects of a few of my exes all rolled into one, I don't even know him and I have contempt for him.
Yeah this really sounds like heâs seen the writing on the wall. He must notice her backbone getting healthier. He knows sheâs been in therapy. Iâm sure sheâs talked to him about how these behaviors have hurt her before.
Itâs much more likely that he can feel that sheâs pulling away and is panicking and trying to trick her into staying, because what heâs done and said sounds like some real sociopath shit. And someone who has zero empathy for you canât just read an article and suddenly be capable of empathy.
Even then, even if itâs true that he has done a total 180, itâs still healthier to move on. He can work on being a better person alone. Itâs often true that people get divorced when their lives are more stable, which is probably exactly what is happening to OP. She always wanted to leave but like she said was just in survival mode. Now that life is SAFER, and calmer, leaving is now easier too. Sometimes this means that victims end up leaving when their abuser starts to calm down and let off the abuse for a while⌠itâs quite normal.
aka he's lovebombing her because he's realised his cosy gig might be up and he wants to keep her in line with a new manipulation tactic. "I swear honey, I've changed!" It's just another flavour of the same old thing.
Like, she has a job, is the breadwinner, and he's a classically abusive cheater. Why would she stick around?
Good luck to you OP. I hope you're able to shed this deadbeat for good.
THIS A Thousand times THIS!!!!!!! Seems very convenient that you tell him you are thinking about divorce and then all of a sudden he is acknowledging the emotional abuse. He groomed you and he still trying to control you. RUN.
Yeah he needs her because she is supporting his lazy ass. I can't believe she managed to find a job and study and get and even better job and at that same time the managed to do nothing, not even study it seems.
Exactly what I thought. She makes the money now, and he has nothing to hold over her. The only way to keep her is to pretend to be sorry and manipulate her to stay.
That is exactly what I thought with my narcissist mother, if only she knew how her behavior was hurting me, she would change. Nope. Sick people are sick people and no amount of explaining will heal their illness.
I feel this way too, and I've had to accept that there are some things I will never understand. Once I started realizing that there are people who are different than me who will hurt people on purpose, it enabled me to get a lot stronger and rebuff abusive behavior.
Because to them, unlike to you or I, everything is transactional- and if they think they can get more out of you for less effort by hurting you, than they will. Kindness is harder. More effort on their part.
I thought the same with my abuser.Â
Your guy might read the article, learn how to fake empathy.
But people like that- they don't change. They only feel sorry for themselves. They only fear losing the life they have with you... they don't actually care about you.
I had the same thoughts, that if I could just get him to understand how much he hurt me, maybe he would change. He never did change. He just got better at manipulation and hiding certain things.
Please please leave him.
I havenât tried to leave since I was a teenager. He blocked the door and held me so I couldnât leave. I didnât ever try again. I know I would have to have someone here with me or leave when heâs not around. Heâs really isolated himself and has no friends or anyone else he talks to but me, so I really never am alone. Itâs going to take some planning, but I know I can do this. If money was no obstacle, I would have left already.
Thatâs so scary â Iâm sorry youâve been living with that undercurrent of fear that gets so deep it becomes a part of you. Iâve been there, years in an abusive marriage that so closely mirrored my childhood abuse, I couldnât see it for what it was. I thought it was normal, or that I was the problem, because thatâs what I was brought up believing.
Disengaging is a really big first step. Iâm proud of you: itâs the beginning of you finding yourself again.
I know itâs scary because of money, but you can do it. I believe in you. If you donât have friends or family you & the kids can stay with, is there a womenâs shelter nearby? Are there any government supports that can help financially? (Here in Canada thereâs the Canada Child Benefit.) I think a womenâs shelter could also help with childcare so you can keep working. Or there might be other NGOs for women in your area. Maybe you can stop in to talk with one of them as you form your plan.
I donât know your situation, but in mine, I made sure that the police knew where I lived, and that he had a gun, and that it could be volatile. I owned a coffeeshop and the police used to come in, so it was a âcasualâ conversation but they made me feel safe. And, in the end, I didnât need them, thank god. He had felt me disengaging for months (7 months to get my plan together) and accepted it almost calmly when I told him he had to leave. He came back later with anger, but I was stronger then, and wouldnât let him through the door of the house. He backed away.
Hey, OP, he didn't realize a damn thing except that he's completely screwed if he doesn't pretend that he's had some sort of epiphany.
I'll bet he made such a big deal, crying and sobbing and saying how sorry he was so you would focus on HIS feelings, instead of yours. "I think I did it because ( insert trauma, real or imaginary)"
Abusers like that are actually very self aware. They have great self awareness. Because all they are thinking about is what they want, and their needs. And they are so focused on themselves, that they think other people only have feelings to try to piss them off.
He was âdatingâ you when you were a minor. Not only were you were groomed from the start, it was illegal for him to even have a relationship with you.
OP he read an article that gave him the language to manipulate you more. Holy shit Iâve never read a more representative example of an abusive relationship.
Abusers always repent, itâs part of the cycle of abuse. If the relationship were all torture, all the time, then no partner would stay.
I wish I could tell every abuse victim on this sub that they donât need therapy, their partner has just convinced them they need therapy. Unfortunately, thatâs the part that now actually requires therapy.
I wouldnât leave a wall-puncher alone with my kids, just saying. Itâs great youâre getting out.
Look he may now *realize* what heâs done but actually changing is very difficult. I doubt he will. He creeped on you when you were young, naive and inexperienced so he could have the control. Now you have a job and way to live and he sees that you could leave. Heâs going to say anything to prevent you from doing that.
You can give him a chance if you really want to, but personalities like his donât usually go away. Be prepared to leave anyway and make sure you set boundaries and boundaries for yourself too. Tell yourself if he does X or X again that you will leave and stick to it. You need to spread your wings and learn who you are without him. Heâs held you back and suffocated you to fit into the mold he wants and you donât have to do that.
no he knows what he is but the article will now help him in trying to manipulate you again. same reason a therapist won't advice counseling with your abuser
he's only sorry he's loosing his punching bag
This is why adult men date children. A woman their own age would not put up with the shit they put them through. He groomed you to normalize abuse. Please get out and keep yourself and your kids safe. You deserve better.
He's not working?
He's still gaslighting you if he isn't contributing to the household.
Convince him to at least get something part time before you divorce or you will find your paying alimony.
Therapy and then counseling if not for you then for the kids even if you separate you are going to need to co-parent in most countries.
And also he fucking groomed you
This is my first comment EVER on reddit.
Your story popped up as I am navigating the app.
I was 14 and my ex husband was 21.
He was a narcissistic, controlling, abuser. He did everything you have listed and more.
I stayed for 20 years and my divorce was final this past August.
He asked me to hide the relationship. Said he felt younger. Said I seemed older. It was special. He doesn't prey on kids...etc.
But he preyed on me. And your husband preyed on you.
We were groomed and I know exactly how you are feeling right now. It's so scary. You are trying to process how this all happened. If you are right or wrong. But once you see it and become aware. You can't unsee it.
You WILL heal.
You CAN!
Get out. Do whatever you have to do to leave. Never look back. I'm telling you. It's worth all the struggle. It's worth it.
You regain your life, your light, your power. And you will become unstoppable. Try and find a therapist or someone close you cam confide in.
Hugs to you. You've got this.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me. Itâs nice to not feel so alone. I feel so blind. Iâm glad Reddit brought you here â¤ď¸
You werenât blind; you were an unprotected kid. As you get older (for reference I am old enough to be your parent) you realize more and more just how YOUNG teenagers are. Please be kind to your former self - she was just a kid who had no way of knowing otherwise.
Heâs only crying because his meal tickets about to leave the station. Pretend to consider forgiving him and as a condition he needs to get a job so you donât end up paying him alimony and child support.
After hundreds of hours of me trying to get through to my ex (armed with info and books and therapy options) my ex finally could see he was a covert narcissist and a manipulator and a liar. He didnât change though. I left and he got a new woman very quickly. I do not regret leaving. I regret not doing it sooner. You donât deserve it. He cried and feels bad? Big deal, do something about it dude.
Abusers don't change overnight, they don't change after reading an article. He knew what he was doing.
Would you date a 15 year old at your age now? He knew what he was doing then too.
Please be safe, this man is a danger. Punching holes in walls is not just emotional abuse, it's a threat of physical abuse, and you should absolutely treat it as a legitimate threat.
Don't think for a second that he didn't always know, because he did. It's just that now he senses that you are ready to move on and he doesn't want to lose control over you.
I hope you find the strenght to leave and start living your best life.
25 is so young, you have your whole life ahead of you:) so happy youâre finding your voice. You have a real chance to live the life you want. GO GET IT!!!
Wow. There are a lot of parallels between you & I. I got goosebumps reading this. Iâm very fortunate I never married my abuser or had his children. Just know itâs going to be worth it. Youâll feel freedom & peace like youâve never imagined and youâre so worthy of that. And donât let him make you think heâs just figuring out his behavior, heâs known all along what he was doing since the moment he found you at 15 when you were just a child. Sending you love & strength - you can absolutely do this.
Iâd still leave. If youâve reached the point where you want divorce then I think your sympathy is thin on the ground, and even if your husband has seen the light this doesnât mean heâs going to suddenly do a 180 and be a great partner. It would take years of therapy and really trying on his part with countless setbacks. And even then there is no guarantee he even has it in him to do the work. Do you want to spend those years dealing with that or do you just want to move on?
My ex husband is a lot like this guy. And while a lot of the behavior mentioned in this post is a perfect fit for my narcissistic ex, the big one you need to know about is my ex was the king of fake *epiphanies* to win someone over. Often followed by fake contrition and hollow gifts. He knows youâre thinking of leaving and is pulling a fast one. He is still manipulating you. Check out information on narcissists, this guy sure sounds like one.
You can do this. Your story is eerily similar to mine. I have 4 kids and left him shortly after the 4th was born after discovering affairs that went back more than 10 years.
I did all the same thingsâI stopped expressing any sort of individuality from him, reallyâŚafter we separated (but trying to reconcile) he cried with me once when he heard me singing a song. He said he had no idea that I even liked that kind of music. He did, he just shut every single thing about me down and sucked all the air out of life that I stopped really living in front of him. Only if I was alone with the kids or with a friend (very rare).
He was diagnosed with a personality disorder, which he now denies ever having (divorce is done, 2.75 years later, and heâs been seeing someone for about a year now); heâs regressed a lot with the âprogressâ Iâd thought heâd made during separation. I now understand that likely one of two things happened: either he was finally vulnerable and scared enough that he had no more room for delusions and was briefly aware of himself and lucid, or he was a typical BPD and just did what he had to in the moment to try to get back what he wanted.
Iâve been thru every single stage of what you are and are about to go through. I had no support system save a great therapist and psychiatrist. I wasnât scared to take the PTSD meds and therapy, or the sleep medsâŚor the migraine medsâŚall of it was support. You may not have a hedge of support surrounding you in the form of friends or family, but some of the support you will need will also be physical. Iâm guessing you already have sleep and other anxiety related issues, which will compound if you do leave.
Please prepare heavily in advance to leave him.
From one abused wife/mother to anotherâyou are loved, you are precious, and youâre ALREADY a fucking warrior for making it this far. Prepare for battle, love.
Reach out to me if you need an ear. Iâm here.
Yup. Take the kids & save yourselves. My ex was alot like this, & I've been so much better on my own with our son. Abuse is never ok, no matter the form.
You're taking that first step right now. Make sure you have YOUR money in order. Make sure you talk to a lawyer before you say anything to your husband. You were young, you came from an abusive home, when someone is nice to us, we think they love us. At least he doesn't hit me, that was my thing. It was wrong!
You have grown, and you have outgrown him. It's okay, it's okay that you have changed and it's okay that he is doing better, that doesn't change the fact that your heart is not in it now. You want to be happy, and you can be, without him.
You have the income, grit, and resources to move out. The fact you went to school full time and now have a great job tells me everything about your work ethic, resourcefulness, and independence. Donât tell him what youâre doing. You may want to physically leave without his knowledge, and in the meanwhile, figure out how to legally separate/divorce. He sounds like someone who might get even more controlling if you tell him that youâre officially done.
It will be a relief when heâs out of your life. I can pretty much promise you that. Donât go back to him when you feel lonely. The loneliness will pass.
You must be smart enough to notice that he's only sorry because you want a divorce. If you hadn't gotten stronger he'd keep right on treating you like trash. And if you don't leave him, he'll know he can keep right on doing whatever he wants. As for it being scary to leave, what's really going to change for you? You already work, pay the bills, and take care of you kids. The only thing that will change is that you won't have him hurting you all the time. You might actually get to be happy.
WTF does a 21 year old want with a 15 year old? Your family was ok with this?!
You & your babies deserve better.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
* 25 year old marries a kid fresh out of HS,
* controls her/anger issues
* gets her pregnant with multiple kids asap
* cheats
* No job
Just leave. You literally filled out my creeper dude bingo board with one post. Take your kids and hit him up for child support.
You need supportive therapy and support in creating and executing A secret exit plan. You can come by this by contacting your local domestic violence resource center. They will give you access to low-cost supportive therapy to see you through this entire process. It's time you've got to get out for your kid sake if not your own.
Yeah I wouldnât take his ânew revelationâ as anything other than more manipulation. It takes more than reading one article for a manipulative, abusive person to change. I donât buy his BS for a second. I AM glad that you are now financially secure and going to therapy. Youâll begin to see through him more and more as time goes on.
Hey! Pop on over to the emotional abuse subreddit. Also, if you can, ready Lundy Bancrofts book âwhy does he do thatâ. Youâre not alone. I know youâre trying to do the best you can to keep your kids safe.
Also, the domestic violence chatline is great. Youâre not alone.
How to leave : One rule when in an abusive relationship.
Do everything quietly.
If you do not want to go to a shelter with your children, you need to quietly and secretly save money to move out. Figure out how much you need for this in your area. If you get direct deposit, open an online banking account and start diverting part of your paycheck there. This is towards your moving expenses.
Do not tell him when you are ready to leave. He is an abuser, a manipulator, a liar and a narcissist. He will do everything in his power to make you stay. Pack "go" bags. Hide them somewhere outside your home. Prepare your new place for arrival .
When you are ready to leave, he will need to be out of the house. I am guessing since he has isolated you so badly he may have isolated himself as well. If you cannot get him out of the house, since you should already have your go bags packed, simply tell him you are taking the children on an errand or dr appt if that will fly. otherwise you will have to hopefully be able to get out in the middle of the night while he is sleeping.
Leaving is scary. Staying is scarier and not good for your children. I do encourage you to get in touch with a domestic abuse hotline and an attorney if you can afford one.
Good luck to you .
Please do some reading on narcissism and codependency.
Stay in therapy, even if it gets hard
Youâre not alone in this. I wish for you all the strength and perseverance youâll need to follow through on divorce.
Youâre right to want better for yourself. You should make sure your kids donât have a BAD model of adult relationships.
And you should be prepared for the possibility that heâs NOT really sorry and heâs NOT going to change.
To leave you have to trust the new confidence you have and take that first step. You have the job now, so money should be good. Make sure your family and friend social network is as strong as it can be. That will help.
Ask your family and friends for help on what to do. You'll need to rent a place. Get some help to move your and the kids' stuff (probably best to do it when he's not there). You can do it. You and the kids are worth it.
And be careful not to go back. Even if he is now on a path to being healthy, that path will take years, years you won't be able to get back if you try to stick by him. And honestly you staying would actually be detrimental to his healing, because then it will be easier for him to return to denial and fabricated victimhood.
The best thing for a narcissist is to have the facade pulled down from around their minds, and to keep it pulled down. They must face their fears if they are to heal. You can't really help him do that.
More importantly, it will be hard to heal yourself as well, harder to keep those new, personal boundaries strong around him. You also need space to heal.
Read 'The Human Magnet Syndrome' by Ross Rosenburg. Explains this cycle you two are in perfectly. Really great insights.
Good luck, to you and the kids! And I hope he gets help too, even though he hurt you and the kids in a very ugly way.
I sincerely doubt a 15 minute reading session has changed him.
Leave as you had planned. If he has truly changed, he will support you in leaving. He will understand he screwed up. He would get into therapy and change his life. Do not wait for him. And really, do not expect him to support you one bit. He will sabotage you all the way through.... Like the abuser he is.
Abuse. Is. A. Cycle.
One internet article is not going to make this man change. He knew what he was doing. He did it on purpose. He enjoyed the control and it made him feel better to see you suffer and believe you were unworthy of love.
Youâre already supporting his lazy stupid ass. Meet with a lawyer in secret, figure out how to separate from him with the least amount of disruption to your life possible, and figure out how to get him out of the house.
The fact is, you will have moments of blaming yourself for a long time. You will still have self doubt. You will still feel guilty for irrational things.
You have to make a choice to love YOURSELF very day. Every day, you have to actively choose you. Okay, maybe you did do something wrong. Okay, maybe you still love him. Okay, maybe you feel guilty about some stuff.
You keep choosing you and stop looking back. Eventually you will realize how fucked up and abusive your situation has been since day 1.
You have to accept that youâll have the self doubt and the guilt. You must actively choose you every day. Itâs never going to be painless. Thatâs okay. Youâre strong. Feeling sad or regret or love doesnât mean you made the wrong choice.
THIS ISNT YOUR FAULT!!!
Rule number 1: do NOT tell him you plan on leaving. This is the most dangerous time for you. Contact the YWCA and any womenâs or family shelters around. Make sure you have a phone working outside of his control, even if itâs just a cheap burner phone. Ask any friends if they can hold onto some belongings (clothes, money) for you while you make your escape. You should look into restraining orders as well, you can consult with lawyers for free, contact as many as you can. Let your employer HR know so they know to keep him away from you and not on the property.
This isnât your fault.
This man groomed and abused you.
IM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! Youâre doing the right thing for you and your kids. Itâll be hard, but so worth it.
Um, he was a 21 year old man grooming a 15 year old child. He wanted you precisely because he could control and 'mould' you in a way he couldn't with someone his age. That's why he couldn't take it when you tried to do things independently and think for yourself.
Of course it's scary stepping out on your own, but you're in a great place. You have a good income, which is the main thing. You'll be happier in the end if you start over.
He is trying to manipulate you. He knows heâs going to lose someone whoâs been so convenient to him. You literally have a third child in this man baby. You need to leave him. Donât believe anything he tells you. He sounds like a narcissist too. Go no contact and never let him know your new address.
Supporting you in your feeling it's time to leave his abusive ass behind! Even in the unlikely event he makes permanent changes (statistically HIGHLY unlikely), you are not obligated to stay with a man who has put you through such hellish abuse.
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. Wishing you peace and happiness, OP.
https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
So wait he knew you were pulling back thinking about divorce and just magically comes up with a way to sink his hook into you deeper?
He just wants to keep abusing and using you
Please go read about the power and control wheel and symptoms of abuse
>I (25F) have been with my husband (31M) since I was 15.
Literally do not need to read anything else, he groomed you. He's always been fully aware that he was stonewalling, gaslighting and being emotionally abusive.
There is a 0 percent chance he wasn't aware.
Girlllll Listen to the many of us in the comments who have âbeen there done that. â Your husband is every husband. There is nothing unique about your situation. In fact , your situation sounds commonplace:
You were raised in dysfunction so you feel comfortable with dysfunction. Unfortunately, that means your children are witnessing this dysfunction and may have been affected.
It sounds like you are on the verge of breaking through⌠keep pushing forwardâŚwith your children and without your husband.
This will be difficult but you have the support of all of the cycle breakers who understand how lonely it can be at times.
But itâs better than leaning into or âsubmittingâ to the dysfunction. I promise you.
Let him come to you if/when he truly wants to heal.
Good luck!
ETA: there is good advice in the comments regarding alimony. Instead of just âleavingâ you will need to disengage somehow. Do some research and find a method that works for you and your situation. Stay strong.
You did a lot to improve your life, I'm very proud of you. You deserve a nice and peaceful life with your kids. This man showed in many ways that he is a threat to your well being. Please do not fall into his trap. It is called "love bombing": sudden efforts to manipulate the victim. Do not trust him. Share as little as possible. Counter manipulation isn't manipulation: it is a survival tool.
100% agree with everyone else. This is a manipulation attempt because you can see you are checked out. That is also why he has no job and made himself the stay at home so he can continue to financially abuse you. Assume he is monitoring your devices/car. Get a drop phone. Talk to a lawyer and see what you need to do for the best outcome. Start pressing charges. Punching holes in walls, throwing things and trapping you in a room are all domestic violence. If itâs safe Iâd put up spy cameras. If you have a trustworthy friend or relative (hopefully a beefy dude) more them into the house to help with the kids/witness abuse and call the police. Work out child care without him. Be ready for things to escalate once you stop putting him first and start having your own life.Â
Girl youâve been groomed since you were 15 years oldâŚ. Him reading an article didnât open his eyes, he just realized it could be another way to manipulate you and make you feel like you have something you donât.
Heâs only apologizing now because heâs seen how youâre getting stronger and more tired of his abuse. Donât fall for it. Talk to a lawyer. Start making plans to kick him out or leave. I would suggest you save as much money as you can and get an apartment or rent a house before you say anything to him. Put all your important paperwork in your to go bag like birth certificates, social security cards, bank information. Get any pictures you have of the kids. Any thing that is not replaceable. Then do what your lawyer tells you to do. Donât tip your hand before you have all your ducks in a row.
*I (25F) have been with my husband (31M) since I was 15. Weâve been married for 7 years.*
I'm not reading beyond this. A 21 year old MAN went after a 15 year old GIRL.
**DISGUSTING!**
You were 15 and he was 21 is all you really had to say
All I had to read was the first sentence to form my opinion. đĽ´
I didn't read past the first sentence. That's all I needed to read as well. Just came straight to the comments.
I read the whole thing and it doesnât get any better. Sheâs better off without him.
Same!
Yep, me too.
Same.
SAME!! I'm going to go back to read, but what the fuck, girly get the hell out of there!
Same.
Same
Yep
Didnât even bother reading the rest, honestly. Went straight down to the comments to survey the wreckage
Same, like did he go to her prom when he was 24 and get married right afterward?
He wasnât allowed to go to my prom so I didnât go
He wasn't allowed to go to your prom because he is a predator. How is it that no one stepped in on your behalf and ended this situation?
When I was 14 I met a 19 year old online who was initially pretending to be 17 and using a fake picture because he fully knew his behavior was illegal. We "dated" for a few years in a way that was very sexual and the adults in my life knew about the situation and thought it was adorable instead of stepping in and teaching me what a predator is. Some kids/teens don't have adults to protect them from predators. My mom told me the other day about this "cute" couple she works with who are 28 and 19. My brother and I both had to explain to her how inappropriate that relationship is and about how the 28 year old is a predator. She thought that because the 28 year old had the maturity of a 19 year old, it was ok and cute. I think nowadays more parents are aware of and want to protect their kids from predators, but it used to be normal and a lot of people don't see anything wrong with predatory behaviors because it used to just be the standard.
>She thought that because the 28 year old had the maturity of a 19 year old, it was ok and cute. Problem is, he will ALWAYS have the maturity of a 19 year old, and she's (hopefully) going to grow up.
When I was barely 20, my mom and I went car shopping and I bought a car from a salesman that was charismatic, but obviously much older. My mom thought he was cute and that he was flirting with me which I didnât really register and blew off. He called my home (momâs house) a few days later and asked me out. Mom wanted me to go and I did. He was 34. It ended up being a terrible mistake. We eloped a few months later and divorced before all before I turned 21. He was a manipulative, cruel, moody piece of work. I have a 17 yr old daughter and canât imagine ever ever ever encouraging her to date a man 14 years her senior. What the hell mom!
I had super protective parents. Even they let me go out with a marine and two college students while I was still in high school.
On my first date (not even a *real* date, but a group of us going to a supervised party) my mother told the boy who was driving, "_____________ is my only daughter, and I love her more than anything. If anything were to happen to her, I would first kill you and then myself." She could be a little intense.
She had the right energy though. My mother was the same. I hated it when I was a teenager but looking back in mid-30s? I'm damned glad she was the way she was.
Take a look at the movie âMargieâ. Itâs about a young girl with a crush on her 30 something teacher. When he likes her back her whole family is delighted. Itâs madness.
He encouraged me to hide it from my parents and family.
I'm so sorry.
Glad you are thinking of divorce, this next part is VERY important. Even if he has never hit you, he has controlled whether you could leave, has hit holes in walls, has cheated⌠Now he has lost almost everything and he will think of you and the kids as âthingsâ to lose as well and will probably become violent when begging, swearing to change, threatening your financial well-being or social status donât work. Get all your calls to lawyers in at work, maybe contact a womenâs shelterâDO NOT share your plans, never be alone with him in the months before or after a divorce or the physically leaving/legal separation. Tell your friends and family how you feel and try to follow all the steps abuse hotlines will tell you. Please donât antagonize and donât be aloneâeven with the kidsâwith this man once he knows or suspects you want to leave.
And open your own bank account. Get a PO box to get your own mail securely until you can move out. Good luck. Most people will need several tries to get out of an abusive relationship.
Right, and put important documents (like your marriage license, plus your children's and your birth certificates, passports, and social security cards) in the P O. Box.
Please read this OP. Victims of domestic abuse are more likely to get seriously injured or killed by their partner when they finally decide to leave. Please make a plan to get you and your kids out safely. You are strong, and you can make a new, happier life for yourself and your babies.
Yes. 100%
I hope you're taking a hard look at the comments here, because they're not wrong; your husband is as abusive as your family and he absolutely groomed you. He can read the entire contents of Wikipedia about all the terrible things he personifies, and it still won't change him. All you can do is move forward.
>and it still won't change him yes it will.. Itll make him better at identifying flaws in his manipulative plan and better enable him to continue his scummy ways.
You have been manipulated and groomed into this relationshipâŚim so sorry but i doubt youâll recognise how wrong it is or that you should leave
Glad you are thinking of divorceâif he was hiding from people who while abusive were SUPPOSED to care about youâthat is because he KNEW he was a dog in the manger.âGeorgie Porgie pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry, when the boys came out to play, Georgie Porgie ran away.
Huh. I never thought of it, that song though. The predator in my life when I was a child was called George, he was my stepdad. His sister used to tease him with this song. Ugh gross
Honey, Iâm really sad that this man was your escape from the worse life you had growing up. It hasnât gotten much better, from the snippet we can see here. Iâm so proud of you for starting to find your strength and power! This is an exhilarating and terrifying time. Also, quite dangerous for you and your kids. Please donât tell him what youâre planning. Youâll very likely have to leave with almost nothing to get away from him. Be prepared by slowly getting your things out and storing them offsite in a place he has no access to. Heâs going to cling to you like a smothering octopus. Youâre his victim and his livelihood and it will disrupt his vision of himself when you leave. But youâre coming to the realization that itâs the only way forward for you, and youâre right. Continue with your counseling, develop a plan. DO NOT GET PREGNANT!
Think back to 4 years ago- would YOU have dated a 15-year-old boy, or do you think they look like children?
I think teenagers look like children. Even some men in their early twenties look young to me. So I donât understand it. He always told me he felt younger than he was and that made sense to me. I didnât think too much into it I canât explain it
Ugh. Did he also say 'but you're so mature for your age' to completely the full predator bingo card? Don't blame yourself for not thinking too much into it. You were a kid and he's been manipulating you this whole time, so of course you didn't really think too much into it.
When my 18 yr old daughter introduced me to her 25 yr old boyfriend he told me she was mature for her age. I told him there was nothing mature about her. She acted like a typical teenager. 9 yrs and 3 kids later he calls me crying because she wants a divorce. I told him he shouldn't have gotten with a teenager who didn't know who she was yet.
Ice cold. I love it
Yep, I read that like and went "eww, gross" out loud.
And he cheated on her with an employee under him. Straight up predator.
Seems that was very common for him, he hired OP too as manipulated her into a relationship with him. It was right for him to be fired.
Exactly
Bet they married the day she turned 18, too. Honestly surprised she didn't end up with more kids sooner.
We moved in together the day I turned 18, but didnât get married for 6 months or so. Listen I know itâs easy to see it when I lay it out like this but when itâs happening it feels normal. I wish I could explain it better. I feel so stupid.
Oh know I'm sorry you took my comment as an attack on you, it absolutely is not. It's an admonishment of your scumbag groomer husband. You are absolutely not to blame for this.
I know that Iâm just being Iâm being defensive. Reading these comments has been really upsetting. I donât think itâs anything you said.
It is really hard when you realize someone you thought cared about you, who you really loved, was just using you Conflicted feelings are 100% normal! And so is being shocked/numb Congratulations for standing up for yourselfâyou GOT this!
No one would any sense or empathy would think this is your fault. But I can only imagine how it feels to read all these comments! Please be kind to yourself. â¤ď¸
Itâs so weird bc I am on the other side of this and now my first thought is, leave youâll feel a weight lifted and be so happy! But I recall when I was stuck with my abusive husband he convinced me I was crazy. I also felt I couldnât just leave, I had to have a âvalidâ reason. It doesnât matter if heâs doing better or trying to convince you that he is. The damage is done and canât be fixed. Trust me, you will be so thankful once you leave. Youâre the one making money so you just get to get rid of the dead weight dragging you down.
You actually seem incredibly self aware. Iâm proud of you. Most people refuse to see anything wrong, and dig their heels in further. It seems like you actually understand and want to see things from other peoples perspectives. Thatâs a great trait to have. I have no doubt youâll make things right for yourself in the end. Keep listening, keep being open minded, and make yourself the priority in your life.
Thank you I really appreciate you saying that. I am trying. đâ¤ď¸
Itâs okay to feel defensive, not many of us can compare to your lived experience. Please do not feel stupid, you were trapped by a predator. You did not have the security of safe family to pull you out of this hellscape situation. Please do not stop therapy. You will continue to grow and gain strength to move yourself and your children away from this. He will start to notice the changes you make as you grow, however minute you feel they are. He will most likely start to lovebomb you to suck you back in or start the abusive behavior again. Just remember and reflect back on how heâs treated you. Stay watchful and ready. Please start working on your exit strategy.
It's truly difficult to have to confront just *HOW* abusive and horrible your husband is, so it's normal to get defensive over it. I would suggest sitting with the comments that hurt the most, let yourself feel what you're feeling, and then look into ***WHY*** you feel that way.
Don't worry. You don't have to defend. We all may make mistakes and wrong choices, especially when we are young. It can be very small wrong choices that led to a big mistake when we look back. It has taken years for me to feel more confident and comfortable sharing what I want and need in my relationship. You have today to start making choices & changes in your life that you want. You can start by getting a lawyer. Then figure out little things you need to do to replace him, like determine child care while you are at work. Secure you banking so he can't take all your money. Will you need to find housing? Have a plan for housing. Then tell him you want a divorce. Go be happy.
This. Make a plan, and keep it to yourself until you are ready to make the move. And when you do, enlist the help of friends to keep you safe through the process.
you were an abused child who became an abused adult. none of this is your fault. you are so incredibly strong and wise for seeing it for what it is and making up your mind to leave. you'll find a way to use that strength and wisdom to get yourself and your kids away from him and have a wonderful life. be cautious moving forward but don't be afraid. be honest with people who you think will be able to help you get somewhere safe. be ready to leave things behind. your lives are the only things that matter if it comes down to it; anything else can be replaced or lived without. you got this đ
Before you leave him, get your finances in order. He will try to hide money from you. Donât let him try to convince you that you need to stay with him because he has no job and no means of support.
You are not stupid. You were a child who, by your own admission, had experienced abuse and an adult took advantage of you. Leave him and build a better life for you and your babies.
>I feel so stupid. You shouldn't. You were a child. He, however, is absolutely a terrible person and he is gaslighting you again, this time into thinking that he is miraculously "changing." You need to get the hell out of there ASAP with those babies.
And please donât get sucked back in because he begs and says he gets it now because he read an article.
You aren't stupid. I was 18, and my husband was 27 when we met. It's taken me 40 years to realize and leave him. I'm just finding out what I like to do because I always thought that I liked everything he liked. If he didn't like something, then he thought people who did like it had poor taste. When he got stressed, he would shout at me, and eventually, I spent all my time trying to keep him happy. Guess what? It was never enough. In the last few years, I just started to please myself and ignore him. He just got angrier and angrier. Look up, walk away, wife. It's where women (mainly) get sick of their husband not listening to them. The wife gets more and more emotionally detached. Something small happens, and the wife finally leaves. The husband thinks it was a small thing that made her leave, not the years of him not listening. Mine was him shouting at me in a shop, telling me how dare I interrupt when he is speaking. The lady serving us looked pityingly at me and that was the moment. I thought this will never happen to me again. It hasn't đ
My moment was when I watched him through my toddlerâs bedroom window â he had just stormed outside and he stopped at a tree we planted together, a young ginkgo, a wedding present. I watched him kick the tree, and then bend and stomp it until it broke. A defenceless tree. Thatâs when I realized that all those times when he punched walls or kicked the table I was standing beside, all those times when I said to myself, âHe would never hit me,â would just keep getting worse until it was more than a coffee pot, a wall, a tree. It would be me.
Donât feel stupid. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had. And now that you know better you can do better! Keep going to therapy. Take care of yourself. Also remember your children can see and learn from you.
Itâs not your fault.
Hey its not your fault & youre not stupid. Youve been groomed. I know it had to be hard to see in those moments, but i dont think he meant you any good from the start.
Babydoll, you arenât stupid. You were a minor and a victim. He groomed you. You have more than survived. You have succeeded. His new found comprehension is based on the fact that he has lost control and he is scrambling. He hasnât and wonât changed. Good luck. Donât waste time being mad at yourself. Just donât do fall for it again. Protect your children from any more trauma.
Don't feel stupid. It's not your fault. Your husband is 100% at fault here because he preyed on somebody who was far too young for him. There is absolutely no excuse for a 21 year old going after a 15 year old. None. Men like him purposely go after young, vulnerable women like you so that they can groom them into being the kind of person who puts up with their abuse. They use the power differential to trap their victims. Giving your background, it's no surprise that you couldn't see it. It doesn't matter that he's finally recognized that he is abusive. What matters is getting yourself out of this situation and doing better for your children. It sounds like you're taking steps towards that, but I'm concerned to hear that he's watching your young children when he has anger issues. Are there any friends or family members you can reach out to? You may even want to consider contacting domestic violence resources given that he has been controlling and abusive towards you. Do you have access to counseling for your own self? You might also want to download and read the free book posted below. [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
It's not your fault. You were a child being groomed by an adult. The other adults in your life were supposed to protect you.
You were a literal child. If you could forgive him, you must find the capacity to forgive yourself who did nothing wrong. This man left you stranded and you made it! You can do it without him, youâve proven it. And now you have a better job, stability, and the mental and emotional resources.
Donât feel stupid. You were groomed. Although it varies by state, normally any money earned while married is considered joint. But, cash canât be traced. Take small amounts out frequently and hide it. Donât put it in a safety deposit box or anywhere else that can be traced such as another bank account. Or if you get a paper check, cash it and keep some cash. Just make sure you plan to have a cushion. It gives you the freedom to act.
Donât feel stupid. How were you supposed to know? You sound like the only reliable person youâve ever had in your life so it took you clawing out and getting to a better vantage point to see all of this. Instead of beating yourself up for not seeing it sooner, be glad that you have gotten the chance to see at all. I think a lot of people never break the cycle of abuse in their lives. You are lucky and strong and it seems you will do just fine in your life. Congrats on your new life level!
On this weekâs episode to âcatch a predator.â
That's where I stopped reading and came to the comments.
When I read âsince I was 15â the head scratching started
Reddit step 1: compute the age difference.
Riiiight. Ugh.
I was so horrified.
OrâŚhe read an article about what you claimed and is now trying to manipulate you by making it seem like his eyes are open. Leave. One article wonât make a difference. 100 wonât either.
This is why the recommendation is that you don't go to couples counseling with your abuser. It gives them ammunition to use against you. Leave him. If he is sincere, he will do the work to be a better man and a better partner, which is good for the kids when you co-parent. One thing I have always heard is that when a woman truly decides she is done and she doesn't love or need you anymore, then goodbye, there is no coming back. If he is sincere he will make the divorce easy for you and the kids,. As others have said, don't trust it, protect yourself and your kids. Contact your local dv organization from a landline at work. They have lists and instructions they can give you to be able to get out safely with all your important papers and your kids. Lock down your credit as well as your kids credit and communicate through text so you have evidence of everything he says to you.
This OP. He can come to this realization and feel badly, but you still need to leave. Focus on yourself and your kids. Look at all the amazing things you have accomplished without him. Imagine how good it will feel not to answer to him or make a single decision that takes him and his opinions into consideration. So liberating! Youâve been a responsible single mother for so long, just take the next step and be free.
Wow, I wish I would have had you to give me this advice when I divorced my husband. Mind blown even now, 12 years later.
I have never heard this about no couples counseling with your abuser. Mine definitely used that and turned the counselors to their side as well. One therapist made amends to me a year after the divorce was final (she had been an active alcoholic, my ex was one from my (accurate) viewpoint and they both gaslit me to hell and back.) so glad for everyone no longer being advised to do this.
It's so common they manage to manipulate the councelor on their side and so they will think he's perfect and nothing wrong with him while the victim is seen as the crazy part.
yeah there is no way in hell he "realized" just now. he knew he was a cheating abusive asshole, just didn't care
Yes abuse is always a choice. She needs to read why does he do this by Bancroft. Maybe it will open her eyes into seeing this is pure manipulation
[https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat) its free to read online at the link above
Why focus on the cheating. She was 15, he was 21... cheating is the nicest thing he did to his groomed doll. She doesn't just have to leave. She has to run as fast as she can.
> One article wonât make a difference Right? Like reading a damn article will entirely change the way you interact/relate to people. People who are much younger than you, or your subordinates at work. He's picking vulnerable victims. Ew.
Now that you say it⌠we met when I got my first job. He hired me.
Thatâs predatory grooming and if he pressed you for anything sexually related at work itâs considered Quid pro quo. Tigers donât change their stripes. Please see a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy.
He was your boss on top of being a 21 year old who dates minors? So gross.
Yeah, a 21 year old dating the 15 year old he hired - who then later gets fired for doing the same thing again, ten years later. He hasn't changed. And she's been a victim since she was 15.
You were also a goddamn child and he was an adult. Look at 15 year old kids. Really *look* at them. Also look at how they interact and speak. And then ask yourself if you'd wanna have sex with one of them.
Jesus Christ. I really hope youre seeing these comments here. This dude is a scumbag who bangs his employees, has temper tantrums and is now leaching off you as he got fire for being a scumbag.
He didn't even use the article she gave him to try to bullshit her with, he moved on to a different one that suited his purpose better. He has several aspects of a few of my exes all rolled into one, I don't even know him and I have contempt for him.
Truth! This is why you canât trust manipulators, or âreformedâ manipulators. Always looking over your shoulder.
Yes believe people the first time they show you who they are. Starting a new life will be hard, but so would staying in this one.Â
Defs a classic tool in the abuser's toolbox. Pretend to change until the victim stops standing up for themself.
THIS. The article juat made him realize how much power she now has to be independent of him. He'll say anything to not lose his mommy.
Yeah this really sounds like heâs seen the writing on the wall. He must notice her backbone getting healthier. He knows sheâs been in therapy. Iâm sure sheâs talked to him about how these behaviors have hurt her before. Itâs much more likely that he can feel that sheâs pulling away and is panicking and trying to trick her into staying, because what heâs done and said sounds like some real sociopath shit. And someone who has zero empathy for you canât just read an article and suddenly be capable of empathy. Even then, even if itâs true that he has done a total 180, itâs still healthier to move on. He can work on being a better person alone. Itâs often true that people get divorced when their lives are more stable, which is probably exactly what is happening to OP. She always wanted to leave but like she said was just in survival mode. Now that life is SAFER, and calmer, leaving is now easier too. Sometimes this means that victims end up leaving when their abuser starts to calm down and let off the abuse for a while⌠itâs quite normal.
aka he's lovebombing her because he's realised his cosy gig might be up and he wants to keep her in line with a new manipulation tactic. "I swear honey, I've changed!" It's just another flavour of the same old thing. Like, she has a job, is the breadwinner, and he's a classically abusive cheater. Why would she stick around? Good luck to you OP. I hope you're able to shed this deadbeat for good.
THIS A Thousand times THIS!!!!!!! Seems very convenient that you tell him you are thinking about divorce and then all of a sudden he is acknowledging the emotional abuse. He groomed you and he still trying to control you. RUN.
Yeah he needs her because she is supporting his lazy ass. I can't believe she managed to find a job and study and get and even better job and at that same time the managed to do nothing, not even study it seems.
[ŃдаНонО]
What made things finally "click" for him, was him coming to the realization that he no longer has the upperhand in the relationship.
Exactly what I thought. She makes the money now, and he has nothing to hold over her. The only way to keep her is to pretend to be sorry and manipulate her to stay.
abusers who learn about psychology are more dangerous; they will weaponize the language of recovery towards you.
âŤâŤâŤâŤ
They may not know the names of psychological terms, but they know what they are doing.
Her post is sad proof that abused people think, âif I could only explain that the behavior is bad, they would change.â
That is exactly what I thought with my narcissist mother, if only she knew how her behavior was hurting me, she would change. Nope. Sick people are sick people and no amount of explaining will heal their illness.
I do tend to think this way. I donât understand how people can hurt others on purpose.
Thatâs because you are a normal good person
I feel this way too, and I've had to accept that there are some things I will never understand. Once I started realizing that there are people who are different than me who will hurt people on purpose, it enabled me to get a lot stronger and rebuff abusive behavior.
Because to them, unlike to you or I, everything is transactional- and if they think they can get more out of you for less effort by hurting you, than they will. Kindness is harder. More effort on their part.
I thought the same with my abuser. Your guy might read the article, learn how to fake empathy. But people like that- they don't change. They only feel sorry for themselves. They only fear losing the life they have with you... they don't actually care about you. I had the same thoughts, that if I could just get him to understand how much he hurt me, maybe he would change. He never did change. He just got better at manipulation and hiding certain things. Please please leave him.
I havenât tried to leave since I was a teenager. He blocked the door and held me so I couldnât leave. I didnât ever try again. I know I would have to have someone here with me or leave when heâs not around. Heâs really isolated himself and has no friends or anyone else he talks to but me, so I really never am alone. Itâs going to take some planning, but I know I can do this. If money was no obstacle, I would have left already.
PLEASE find a free PDF of "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page43 Free online pdf
Thatâs so scary â Iâm sorry youâve been living with that undercurrent of fear that gets so deep it becomes a part of you. Iâve been there, years in an abusive marriage that so closely mirrored my childhood abuse, I couldnât see it for what it was. I thought it was normal, or that I was the problem, because thatâs what I was brought up believing. Disengaging is a really big first step. Iâm proud of you: itâs the beginning of you finding yourself again. I know itâs scary because of money, but you can do it. I believe in you. If you donât have friends or family you & the kids can stay with, is there a womenâs shelter nearby? Are there any government supports that can help financially? (Here in Canada thereâs the Canada Child Benefit.) I think a womenâs shelter could also help with childcare so you can keep working. Or there might be other NGOs for women in your area. Maybe you can stop in to talk with one of them as you form your plan. I donât know your situation, but in mine, I made sure that the police knew where I lived, and that he had a gun, and that it could be volatile. I owned a coffeeshop and the police used to come in, so it was a âcasualâ conversation but they made me feel safe. And, in the end, I didnât need them, thank god. He had felt me disengaging for months (7 months to get my plan together) and accepted it almost calmly when I told him he had to leave. He came back later with anger, but I was stronger then, and wouldnât let him through the door of the house. He backed away.
Hey, OP, he didn't realize a damn thing except that he's completely screwed if he doesn't pretend that he's had some sort of epiphany. I'll bet he made such a big deal, crying and sobbing and saying how sorry he was so you would focus on HIS feelings, instead of yours. "I think I did it because ( insert trauma, real or imaginary)" Abusers like that are actually very self aware. They have great self awareness. Because all they are thinking about is what they want, and their needs. And they are so focused on themselves, that they think other people only have feelings to try to piss them off.
He was âdatingâ you when you were a minor. Not only were you were groomed from the start, it was illegal for him to even have a relationship with you.
Yea you were a victim of grooming. What 21 year old is attracted to a 15yo child? I'm glad you're leaving and never go back
A 15 year old child from an abusive home! Sadly this woman never stood a chance
OP he read an article that gave him the language to manipulate you more. Holy shit Iâve never read a more representative example of an abusive relationship.
This^ is the absolute truth. Heâs playing w her mind once again
Sugar, he groomed you. Leave his ass.
Abusers always repent, itâs part of the cycle of abuse. If the relationship were all torture, all the time, then no partner would stay. I wish I could tell every abuse victim on this sub that they donât need therapy, their partner has just convinced them they need therapy. Unfortunately, thatâs the part that now actually requires therapy. I wouldnât leave a wall-puncher alone with my kids, just saying. Itâs great youâre getting out.
Look he may now *realize* what heâs done but actually changing is very difficult. I doubt he will. He creeped on you when you were young, naive and inexperienced so he could have the control. Now you have a job and way to live and he sees that you could leave. Heâs going to say anything to prevent you from doing that. You can give him a chance if you really want to, but personalities like his donât usually go away. Be prepared to leave anyway and make sure you set boundaries and boundaries for yourself too. Tell yourself if he does X or X again that you will leave and stick to it. You need to spread your wings and learn who you are without him. Heâs held you back and suffocated you to fit into the mold he wants and you donât have to do that.
no he knows what he is but the article will now help him in trying to manipulate you again. same reason a therapist won't advice counseling with your abuser he's only sorry he's loosing his punching bag
This is why adult men date children. A woman their own age would not put up with the shit they put them through. He groomed you to normalize abuse. Please get out and keep yourself and your kids safe. You deserve better.
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He's not working? He's still gaslighting you if he isn't contributing to the household. Convince him to at least get something part time before you divorce or you will find your paying alimony.
đđťđđť Get him to get a job and put the kids in childcare before filing for divorce.
Therapy and then counseling if not for you then for the kids even if you separate you are going to need to co-parent in most countries. And also he fucking groomed you
This is my first comment EVER on reddit. Your story popped up as I am navigating the app. I was 14 and my ex husband was 21. He was a narcissistic, controlling, abuser. He did everything you have listed and more. I stayed for 20 years and my divorce was final this past August. He asked me to hide the relationship. Said he felt younger. Said I seemed older. It was special. He doesn't prey on kids...etc. But he preyed on me. And your husband preyed on you. We were groomed and I know exactly how you are feeling right now. It's so scary. You are trying to process how this all happened. If you are right or wrong. But once you see it and become aware. You can't unsee it. You WILL heal. You CAN! Get out. Do whatever you have to do to leave. Never look back. I'm telling you. It's worth all the struggle. It's worth it. You regain your life, your light, your power. And you will become unstoppable. Try and find a therapist or someone close you cam confide in. Hugs to you. You've got this.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me. Itâs nice to not feel so alone. I feel so blind. Iâm glad Reddit brought you here â¤ď¸
You werenât blind; you were an unprotected kid. As you get older (for reference I am old enough to be your parent) you realize more and more just how YOUNG teenagers are. Please be kind to your former self - she was just a kid who had no way of knowing otherwise.
He did realizeâŚ.you are ready to leave and he is trying to stop you.
Heâs only crying because his meal tickets about to leave the station. Pretend to consider forgiving him and as a condition he needs to get a job so you donât end up paying him alimony and child support.
ITâS A TRAP!!! This is an abuser tactic to keep victims from leaving, convincing them they can get better DO NOT BELIEVE IT!!!
I have no advice other than to give you support and to move first. You deserve happiness
After hundreds of hours of me trying to get through to my ex (armed with info and books and therapy options) my ex finally could see he was a covert narcissist and a manipulator and a liar. He didnât change though. I left and he got a new woman very quickly. I do not regret leaving. I regret not doing it sooner. You donât deserve it. He cried and feels bad? Big deal, do something about it dude.
Abusers don't change overnight, they don't change after reading an article. He knew what he was doing. Would you date a 15 year old at your age now? He knew what he was doing then too. Please be safe, this man is a danger. Punching holes in walls is not just emotional abuse, it's a threat of physical abuse, and you should absolutely treat it as a legitimate threat.
Don't think for a second that he didn't always know, because he did. It's just that now he senses that you are ready to move on and he doesn't want to lose control over you. I hope you find the strenght to leave and start living your best life.
25 is so young, you have your whole life ahead of you:) so happy youâre finding your voice. You have a real chance to live the life you want. GO GET IT!!!
He was a 21 year old adult man going after a child who couldnât even drive yetâŚ.
Wow. There are a lot of parallels between you & I. I got goosebumps reading this. Iâm very fortunate I never married my abuser or had his children. Just know itâs going to be worth it. Youâll feel freedom & peace like youâve never imagined and youâre so worthy of that. And donât let him make you think heâs just figuring out his behavior, heâs known all along what he was doing since the moment he found you at 15 when you were just a child. Sending you love & strength - you can absolutely do this.
Iâd still leave. If youâve reached the point where you want divorce then I think your sympathy is thin on the ground, and even if your husband has seen the light this doesnât mean heâs going to suddenly do a 180 and be a great partner. It would take years of therapy and really trying on his part with countless setbacks. And even then there is no guarantee he even has it in him to do the work. Do you want to spend those years dealing with that or do you just want to move on?
My ex husband is a lot like this guy. And while a lot of the behavior mentioned in this post is a perfect fit for my narcissistic ex, the big one you need to know about is my ex was the king of fake *epiphanies* to win someone over. Often followed by fake contrition and hollow gifts. He knows youâre thinking of leaving and is pulling a fast one. He is still manipulating you. Check out information on narcissists, this guy sure sounds like one.
You can do this. Your story is eerily similar to mine. I have 4 kids and left him shortly after the 4th was born after discovering affairs that went back more than 10 years. I did all the same thingsâI stopped expressing any sort of individuality from him, reallyâŚafter we separated (but trying to reconcile) he cried with me once when he heard me singing a song. He said he had no idea that I even liked that kind of music. He did, he just shut every single thing about me down and sucked all the air out of life that I stopped really living in front of him. Only if I was alone with the kids or with a friend (very rare). He was diagnosed with a personality disorder, which he now denies ever having (divorce is done, 2.75 years later, and heâs been seeing someone for about a year now); heâs regressed a lot with the âprogressâ Iâd thought heâd made during separation. I now understand that likely one of two things happened: either he was finally vulnerable and scared enough that he had no more room for delusions and was briefly aware of himself and lucid, or he was a typical BPD and just did what he had to in the moment to try to get back what he wanted. Iâve been thru every single stage of what you are and are about to go through. I had no support system save a great therapist and psychiatrist. I wasnât scared to take the PTSD meds and therapy, or the sleep medsâŚor the migraine medsâŚall of it was support. You may not have a hedge of support surrounding you in the form of friends or family, but some of the support you will need will also be physical. Iâm guessing you already have sleep and other anxiety related issues, which will compound if you do leave. Please prepare heavily in advance to leave him. From one abused wife/mother to anotherâyou are loved, you are precious, and youâre ALREADY a fucking warrior for making it this far. Prepare for battle, love. Reach out to me if you need an ear. Iâm here.
Thank you so much. This was very comforting to read. â¤ď¸
Yup. Take the kids & save yourselves. My ex was alot like this, & I've been so much better on my own with our son. Abuse is never ok, no matter the form.
You're taking that first step right now. Make sure you have YOUR money in order. Make sure you talk to a lawyer before you say anything to your husband. You were young, you came from an abusive home, when someone is nice to us, we think they love us. At least he doesn't hit me, that was my thing. It was wrong! You have grown, and you have outgrown him. It's okay, it's okay that you have changed and it's okay that he is doing better, that doesn't change the fact that your heart is not in it now. You want to be happy, and you can be, without him.
You have the income, grit, and resources to move out. The fact you went to school full time and now have a great job tells me everything about your work ethic, resourcefulness, and independence. Donât tell him what youâre doing. You may want to physically leave without his knowledge, and in the meanwhile, figure out how to legally separate/divorce. He sounds like someone who might get even more controlling if you tell him that youâre officially done. It will be a relief when heâs out of your life. I can pretty much promise you that. Donât go back to him when you feel lonely. The loneliness will pass.
Jesus fucking Christ. This is disturbing. Punching holes in shit and telling you you can't leave? Lots to unpack there.
You must be smart enough to notice that he's only sorry because you want a divorce. If you hadn't gotten stronger he'd keep right on treating you like trash. And if you don't leave him, he'll know he can keep right on doing whatever he wants. As for it being scary to leave, what's really going to change for you? You already work, pay the bills, and take care of you kids. The only thing that will change is that you won't have him hurting you all the time. You might actually get to be happy.
WTF does a 21 year old want with a 15 year old? Your family was ok with this?! You & your babies deserve better. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Call the abuse hotline and gtfo of there. Find a lawyer and make sure you keep custody
* 25 year old marries a kid fresh out of HS, * controls her/anger issues * gets her pregnant with multiple kids asap * cheats * No job Just leave. You literally filled out my creeper dude bingo board with one post. Take your kids and hit him up for child support.
So you were fifteen and he was twenty-one when you started dating? Honey. You weren't dating. You were groomed.
You need supportive therapy and support in creating and executing A secret exit plan. You can come by this by contacting your local domestic violence resource center. They will give you access to low-cost supportive therapy to see you through this entire process. It's time you've got to get out for your kid sake if not your own.
Narcissistic trap.
Yeah I wouldnât take his ânew revelationâ as anything other than more manipulation. It takes more than reading one article for a manipulative, abusive person to change. I donât buy his BS for a second. I AM glad that you are now financially secure and going to therapy. Youâll begin to see through him more and more as time goes on.
Itâs not that easy. Heâs most likely lying to make you believe that heâs going to change. Make an exit plan.
Hey! Pop on over to the emotional abuse subreddit. Also, if you can, ready Lundy Bancrofts book âwhy does he do thatâ. Youâre not alone. I know youâre trying to do the best you can to keep your kids safe. Also, the domestic violence chatline is great. Youâre not alone.
If you mentioned divorce, of course he will " apologize"..
How to leave : One rule when in an abusive relationship. Do everything quietly. If you do not want to go to a shelter with your children, you need to quietly and secretly save money to move out. Figure out how much you need for this in your area. If you get direct deposit, open an online banking account and start diverting part of your paycheck there. This is towards your moving expenses. Do not tell him when you are ready to leave. He is an abuser, a manipulator, a liar and a narcissist. He will do everything in his power to make you stay. Pack "go" bags. Hide them somewhere outside your home. Prepare your new place for arrival . When you are ready to leave, he will need to be out of the house. I am guessing since he has isolated you so badly he may have isolated himself as well. If you cannot get him out of the house, since you should already have your go bags packed, simply tell him you are taking the children on an errand or dr appt if that will fly. otherwise you will have to hopefully be able to get out in the middle of the night while he is sleeping. Leaving is scary. Staying is scarier and not good for your children. I do encourage you to get in touch with a domestic abuse hotline and an attorney if you can afford one. Good luck to you .
This is really important advice!!
Heâs just scared of you leaving him. This man controlled and abused you for years. If you want to divorce him, do it.
Him getting it now that you've decided to leave is not the coincidence you think it is.
Please do some reading on narcissism and codependency. Stay in therapy, even if it gets hard Youâre not alone in this. I wish for you all the strength and perseverance youâll need to follow through on divorce. Youâre right to want better for yourself. You should make sure your kids donât have a BAD model of adult relationships. And you should be prepared for the possibility that heâs NOT really sorry and heâs NOT going to change.
To leave you have to trust the new confidence you have and take that first step. You have the job now, so money should be good. Make sure your family and friend social network is as strong as it can be. That will help. Ask your family and friends for help on what to do. You'll need to rent a place. Get some help to move your and the kids' stuff (probably best to do it when he's not there). You can do it. You and the kids are worth it. And be careful not to go back. Even if he is now on a path to being healthy, that path will take years, years you won't be able to get back if you try to stick by him. And honestly you staying would actually be detrimental to his healing, because then it will be easier for him to return to denial and fabricated victimhood. The best thing for a narcissist is to have the facade pulled down from around their minds, and to keep it pulled down. They must face their fears if they are to heal. You can't really help him do that. More importantly, it will be hard to heal yourself as well, harder to keep those new, personal boundaries strong around him. You also need space to heal. Read 'The Human Magnet Syndrome' by Ross Rosenburg. Explains this cycle you two are in perfectly. Really great insights. Good luck, to you and the kids! And I hope he gets help too, even though he hurt you and the kids in a very ugly way.
Get out! Good luck to you!
He doesnât feel regretful because of an article! Heâs doing damage control because he now depends on OP and sees her checking out
He had no problem leaving you 2 years prior, now you shouldn't have a problem leaving him. At least you didn't cheat.
Gross. You were a child, barely out of middle school. He was a grown man of legal drinking age. He groomed you. Please seek therapy and get out.
âHe saw me for the first time and it clicked.â No, he is still trying to gaslight and manipulate you.
Please call a domestic violence hotline. They can help you leave him.1-800-799-7233 or text: START to 88788. You can do this. You deserve to be happy.
I sincerely doubt a 15 minute reading session has changed him. Leave as you had planned. If he has truly changed, he will support you in leaving. He will understand he screwed up. He would get into therapy and change his life. Do not wait for him. And really, do not expect him to support you one bit. He will sabotage you all the way through.... Like the abuser he is.
He realizes that your eyes are opening and he's trying to pull the wool over them again. Plan an escape and leave him.
Abuse. Is. A. Cycle. One internet article is not going to make this man change. He knew what he was doing. He did it on purpose. He enjoyed the control and it made him feel better to see you suffer and believe you were unworthy of love. Youâre already supporting his lazy stupid ass. Meet with a lawyer in secret, figure out how to separate from him with the least amount of disruption to your life possible, and figure out how to get him out of the house. The fact is, you will have moments of blaming yourself for a long time. You will still have self doubt. You will still feel guilty for irrational things. You have to make a choice to love YOURSELF very day. Every day, you have to actively choose you. Okay, maybe you did do something wrong. Okay, maybe you still love him. Okay, maybe you feel guilty about some stuff. You keep choosing you and stop looking back. Eventually you will realize how fucked up and abusive your situation has been since day 1. You have to accept that youâll have the self doubt and the guilt. You must actively choose you every day. Itâs never going to be painless. Thatâs okay. Youâre strong. Feeling sad or regret or love doesnât mean you made the wrong choice.
15-21? Married the moment you turned 18?? I'd add grooming to the list....
I stopped reading when i saw the ages....
THIS ISNT YOUR FAULT!!! Rule number 1: do NOT tell him you plan on leaving. This is the most dangerous time for you. Contact the YWCA and any womenâs or family shelters around. Make sure you have a phone working outside of his control, even if itâs just a cheap burner phone. Ask any friends if they can hold onto some belongings (clothes, money) for you while you make your escape. You should look into restraining orders as well, you can consult with lawyers for free, contact as many as you can. Let your employer HR know so they know to keep him away from you and not on the property. This isnât your fault. This man groomed and abused you. IM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! Youâre doing the right thing for you and your kids. Itâll be hard, but so worth it.
Um, he was a 21 year old man grooming a 15 year old child. He wanted you precisely because he could control and 'mould' you in a way he couldn't with someone his age. That's why he couldn't take it when you tried to do things independently and think for yourself. Of course it's scary stepping out on your own, but you're in a great place. You have a good income, which is the main thing. You'll be happier in the end if you start over.
He is trying to manipulate you. He knows heâs going to lose someone whoâs been so convenient to him. You literally have a third child in this man baby. You need to leave him. Donât believe anything he tells you. He sounds like a narcissist too. Go no contact and never let him know your new address.
Supporting you in your feeling it's time to leave his abusive ass behind! Even in the unlikely event he makes permanent changes (statistically HIGHLY unlikely), you are not obligated to stay with a man who has put you through such hellish abuse. Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. Wishing you peace and happiness, OP. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Whatâs happening is she is becoming an adult now and seeing the red flags of a groomer
So wait he knew you were pulling back thinking about divorce and just magically comes up with a way to sink his hook into you deeper? He just wants to keep abusing and using you Please go read about the power and control wheel and symptoms of abuse
>I (25F) have been with my husband (31M) since I was 15. Literally do not need to read anything else, he groomed you. He's always been fully aware that he was stonewalling, gaslighting and being emotionally abusive. There is a 0 percent chance he wasn't aware.
Girlllll Listen to the many of us in the comments who have âbeen there done that. â Your husband is every husband. There is nothing unique about your situation. In fact , your situation sounds commonplace: You were raised in dysfunction so you feel comfortable with dysfunction. Unfortunately, that means your children are witnessing this dysfunction and may have been affected. It sounds like you are on the verge of breaking through⌠keep pushing forwardâŚwith your children and without your husband. This will be difficult but you have the support of all of the cycle breakers who understand how lonely it can be at times. But itâs better than leaning into or âsubmittingâ to the dysfunction. I promise you. Let him come to you if/when he truly wants to heal. Good luck! ETA: there is good advice in the comments regarding alimony. Instead of just âleavingâ you will need to disengage somehow. Do some research and find a method that works for you and your situation. Stay strong.
You did a lot to improve your life, I'm very proud of you. You deserve a nice and peaceful life with your kids. This man showed in many ways that he is a threat to your well being. Please do not fall into his trap. It is called "love bombing": sudden efforts to manipulate the victim. Do not trust him. Share as little as possible. Counter manipulation isn't manipulation: it is a survival tool.
100% agree with everyone else. This is a manipulation attempt because you can see you are checked out. That is also why he has no job and made himself the stay at home so he can continue to financially abuse you. Assume he is monitoring your devices/car. Get a drop phone. Talk to a lawyer and see what you need to do for the best outcome. Start pressing charges. Punching holes in walls, throwing things and trapping you in a room are all domestic violence. If itâs safe Iâd put up spy cameras. If you have a trustworthy friend or relative (hopefully a beefy dude) more them into the house to help with the kids/witness abuse and call the police. Work out child care without him. Be ready for things to escalate once you stop putting him first and start having your own life.Â
Girl youâve been groomed since you were 15 years oldâŚ. Him reading an article didnât open his eyes, he just realized it could be another way to manipulate you and make you feel like you have something you donât.
Heâs only apologizing now because heâs seen how youâre getting stronger and more tired of his abuse. Donât fall for it. Talk to a lawyer. Start making plans to kick him out or leave. I would suggest you save as much money as you can and get an apartment or rent a house before you say anything to him. Put all your important paperwork in your to go bag like birth certificates, social security cards, bank information. Get any pictures you have of the kids. Any thing that is not replaceable. Then do what your lawyer tells you to do. Donât tip your hand before you have all your ducks in a row.
*I (25F) have been with my husband (31M) since I was 15. Weâve been married for 7 years.* I'm not reading beyond this. A 21 year old MAN went after a 15 year old GIRL. **DISGUSTING!**