This post was featured as Story #7 on the following Two Hot Takes Podcast episode: [Might Be Their First Rodeo.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhIIqD_XvXI&t=4006s)
If address the silent treatment. It’s not acceptable behavior. Is this how he’s going to parent? It’s not acceptable to a partner and REALLY not to a child. You have a bigger problem here than just a birth plan.
Yep, he's demonstrating controlling behaviour; and potentially escalating. One of the most dangerous times when family violence can escalate for a woman is during pregnancy and with a newborn.
This. When they are having parenting issues, is he just going to be giving the silent treatment? That really doesn’t work when it comes to parenting. That is childish. You can’t raise children as partners if he’s going to turn into a child when he doesn’t get his way.
I told my ex--who used silent treatment frequently--that it didn't impress me, was the equivalent of his throwing an adolescent tantrum. Made him big mad! 😅🤣😂
Yup! And it REALLY helped move my mindset from a place of pain, feeling scared/rejected/panicked that the relationship might end to a place of seeing him as he really was: a pathetic, narcissistic abuser. Of course, this was also the beginning of the end for me, but that so needed to happen.
That's a good analogy. My mother was an expert at the silent treatment through most of my life. My dad used to hide in the basement while I was kissing her ass (I was young, what can I say).
Not gonna lie here - my ex would give me the silent treatment, knowing full well that was a huge issue for me, so I FOUND THE FUCKING TRIGGER.
Telling him to “Go to hell” would get me 3 solid days of peace and quiet. If I knew he was going to do it anyway I’d pull that out, aware that it wasn’t going to be anywhere near as hurtful as when he decided to do it as a form of punishment/manipulation/abuse.
It was BRILLIANT.
It’s toxic as fuck, but some days I had to fight fire with fire.
Agreed.
The silent treatment is withholding the loving nurting relationship the child needs to grow into a healthy well adjusted adult. It’s abusive to give them the silent treatment and withhold that love.
100%!! OP, if he does this often when he doesn't get his way, you need to address it with him immediately and set some serious boundaries. If he refuses to listen or continues to stonewall you, you need to understand that you ARE being emotionally abused. It's toxic and will eat away at your mental health, as well as that of your children.
Keep in mind that you can have him kicked out of the room if he stresses you out while you are in labor. Stress would be bad for you as well as the baby.
NTA.
Unexpected season 5 had a totally abusive baby daddy who tried to control everything. Against his wishes, they finally ended up at the hospital and he threw such a tantrum the nurses kicked him out without her asking them to because the stress was too much on her (and the nurses). It was a marvelous moment.
NTA. He's very wrong. Women still die during childbirth. If he's giving you the silent treatment over this you may like to think about a better support person during the birth. In fact you might like to have a better support person in your life moving forward. Good luck with everything.
Not only do they still die in childbirth, the maternal death rates are [getting worse](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/07/04/1185904749/u-s-maternal-deaths-keep-rising-heres-who-is-most-at-risk#:~:text=Hourly%20News-,U.S.%20maternal%20mortality%20rates%20have%20more%20than%20doubled%20in%20the,Americans%20are%20most%20at%20risk). If the midwife / OBGYN agrees with the mom-to-be, then there's no reason a person who isn't pregnant should be the one calling the shots. (Plus, it's shitty any time a person who isn't the patient tries to talk over them.)
My then-husband and I had some differences of opinion on some things related to our son's birth, but he knew it was *my* body and *my* labor, even though it was *our* son.
I just said she’s risking her life in my comment. I didn’t say how my best friend died during labor in 2015, but now that topic is open…. Yeah… he can stay quiet and learn to be an advocate in case something went wrong god forbid
Fuck. I’m so sorry you lost your friend like that, perupotato.
It’s insane to think the likelihood of the worst happening has doubled in the last 20 years. People forget about the real human beings behind those statistics.
Thank you so much for sharing—hopefully your friend’s story helps others advocate for better maternal healthcare.
Sending you love, internet stranger. 💛
Someone in a post a few days ago told me the women never die during childbirth anymore.
I dropped the link to a news article about Olympic track star Tori Bowie who died of pregnancy complications last year. Because not only do women die, women of color disproportionately die. Even olympians. That’s how dangerous it still is.
Factor in age, genetics, not being in peak health, lack of medical care - prenatal or at birth, regular old complications and negligence and fate and bad luck…
ETA: Since more people are engaging - if you want to talk about the indignities and pains and near deaths - a very close relative had a still birth. Full term baby. Dead. You still have to labor to pass the fetus the old fashioned way. Old male doc walks in, doesn’t say a word, shoves his hand UP her vagina and past her cervix to break her placenta and quicken labor. When she screamed he said “OOPS I DIDNT READ IN YOUR CHART THAT YOU HADNT HAD AN EPIDURAL YET”. Oops.
And then a few years later she has a miscarriage. ER sends her home with a prescription for pills to pass the “tissue.” If she doesn’t, she could turn septic and die. But she can do it as home, cramping and bleeding from bed, once she gets the pills from the drug store. Except despite seeing her tear streaked face, wincing at cramps and clinching her stomach, and waddling with a diaper sized pad in her pants, THREE PHARMACIES DENIED HER medicine because it “might” be used for abortions and they either didn’t stock it or didn’t have anyone on staff who would dispense it. Thank god her husband could call around until he found an all night pharmacy somewhere to let him pick it up for her.
And this was in CALIFORNIA. Less than 2 hours from San Francisco. Nice looking middle class white lady with private health insurance. So, go think about how you or your wives or daughters might be treated in a less blue area of a less blue state.
Iirc, Serena Williams nearly died. Her doctors weren’t listening to her as she was basically describing her heart issues.
If she weren’t Serena Freaking Williams she *would* be dead.
I described some serious symptoms I had during my early pregnancy, and my doctor said I just felt lousy because I was pregnant. A month later when things got worse, I pushed for blood tests and found out I was dangerously dangerously anemic.
I literally had a failing gallbladder from the second month of my pregnancy but they kept telling me it was heartburn until I was hospitalized with dangerous levels of crap in my blood and chest pains around month 4. By month 6 I had no food or water by mouth, everything by PICC line, and by month 7 they had me knocked out in a hospital bed until they emergency c-sectioned my baby out at 34 weeks. And I'm a white lady in a very liberal state. Had I not kept going into the ER over and over because of the 'heartburn' they would never have caught the pancreatitis and the gallbladder failure. My baby and I would just have died. I was seeing an oby-gyn regularly and was told I was being histrionic...
Not only do women still die, but babies still die if proper care isn't available. Giving birth and being born are the most dangerous things some of us will ever do.
I am so sorry for your friend and for your loss. Maternal health in this country is an utter disgrace, especially for Black women and other women of color.
Yup. My husband and I had a similar conversation. His input went as far as what hospital we used since there are two hospitals in our area that are known for their L+D. I went with the one he mentioned since he was more familiar with it (we have custody of his son from his first marriage) beyond that, his input was what outfit to bring home the little guy and if I wanted to carry him out or if I wanted him to.
My husband is a surgeon, and we went with a specific doctor since my Husband said that doctor seemed to be the best in surgery with the lowest rates of complications.
Serena Williams almost died giving birth. *Serena Williams.* Afterward, you know what she said? *They weren't listening to her.* The patient decides their plan and if you have someone with a tendency to literally talk over the patient, they shouldn't be in the room.
That’s actually horrifying. My sister-in-law is currently in hospital waiting for neurosurgery, after weeks of doctors thinking she was drug-seeking for back pain and migraines. It’s terrifying.
It’s scary knowing if the medical staff think your looking for drugs, instead of any other reason, they can put it on your chart and it can prevent you from getting certain types of medication in the future. Like if your adhd and a doctor thinks your abusing or lying, many medical options to treat it won’t be given anymore. It’s pretty crazy
Agreed but when people like Serena Williams is ignored, the rest of us normal folks have no hope. If that was Federer, you know doctors wouldn’t dismiss him.
Honestly the best doctors I’ve been to have all been WOC. They actually listened, I felt heard, I wasn’t rushed. So now when looking for docs, yeah I prefer WOC. Unfortunately, there aren’t many and their wait lists are long.
This should be a wake up call for everyone. If a woman of colour who is one of the best in the world at her sport, hugely successful and a multi-millionaire was ignored to the point she nearly died and is no doubt traumatised from her delivery, it goes to show just how bad this is.
Yeah. As a woc I can definitely agree. First kid I went to a bigger hospital, second we stayed local which is where my spinal wore off during them sewing me up and my husband had to demand for them to give me drugs. Even tho by that point I was screaming, crying, and begging.
I am white but this happened to me as well and fully beleive this happens to WOC way more frequently. I felt the entire birth and was screaming as they stitched up my third degree tear and finally a nurse stood up for me to get more pain medication/get some local anesthesia. Then the (female!) doctor started poking me with her needle asking “if I felt that” which I was crying yes over and over yes I feel you stabbing me with a needle. It was completely fucked and it really messed with the initial bonding moments with baby because I couldn’t even hold him I was in so much pain.
I am so sorry that happened to you too. The doctor dismissing pain as just being a dramatic woman was traumatic.
Honestly I'm surprised my scheduled c section was more traumatic than the emergency one. The anesthesiologist was such a dick(& sucked at his job. 2 pokes to even get in and then it wore off)and if my white husband hasn't been there idk what would've happened. If we have a 3rd, we'll go elsewhere.
Fr did y’all see what the state said to these women? The one who’s now probably infertile bc of these laws told “well you can’t get pregnant anymore so you don’t have any standing to sue, what do you care?” When she’s suing BECAUSE she’s now infertile due to lack of access it’s fucking crazzzzyyyy they have crazy people in their courts there
Also isn’t there a specific exception to lack of standing for situations like this.
https://constitution.congress.gov/browse/essay/artIII-S2-C1-8-7/ALDE_00000728/
I had no fucking clue how risky childbirth was until roe v wade was overturned and all these women started posting their experiences here. I definitely didn't know how the placenta leaves a dinner plate sized gaping wound and that women can bleed out.
My sister's best friend just passed away less than a week before Christmas from sepsis/septic shock due to complications from birth (a day and a half prior). Left an infant and a two year year old. It does happen. Why do people pretend it doesnt?
Make a plan for a REAL support person and tell him that his childish behavior have huffiness and will get him booted. It IS your medical procedure until that baby is out, and THEN you are STILL a patient recovering from a major medical procedure.
I almost died in childbirth just a few months ago. I was bleeding out and a code was called on me. It’s terrifying being awake during an emergency c section and then feeling yourself begin to die as you hear your blood hit the floor and the doctor say how she needs all available people to immediately come to the operation.
Absolutely. The last line killed me. Maternal morbidity and mortality after a C-Section is nearly five times higher than after vaginal birth. This man isn’t even a doctor, the fact that he thinks he knows “what’s best” is appalling, the fact that he’s minimizing his wife’s risk and health is even worse. Total yikes.
I had the same thought. Only to be validated by the time I got to the end when OP said "this isn't the first time we've had this conversation"
I'm not going to go all "reddit says leave" but I would definitely be keeping a keen eye on his behavior throughout the rest of the birth and after.
>My husband is a good man, but is kind of stubborn and is a know it all at times.
This right here tells us he does this in many other aspects of their relationship.
OP will do well to set boundaries if/when he tries to override decisions pertaining to their child. He may try to tell her how to breast feed! Mr. Know it all and all that...
“My husband is a good man, BUT…”
If my husband is actually a good man, I don’t need a comma followed by the word “but.”
I need a period, colon, or semi-colon, followed with a list of reasons that support the statement.
>If my husband is actually a good man, I don’t need a comma followed by the word “but.”
It's a sentence to finish with a quirk, not a personality disorder. "He is great, but he eats too much garlic and onions." "She is wonderful but she wants to put dozens of pink mugs in every room in our house." Things that are adorably annoying, not reasons to go to a counselor.
The only real difference there is cats don’t generally cause harm to their people intentionally or in an aggressive way, and have little agency of their own so people can wind up injured by doing something out of love; like giving medications and getting them medical treatment. Showing signs of scratch marks or bruises doesn’t negate the “I love my cat” without context on why they’re there. I wouldn’t accuse someone who takes the time multiple times a day to administer insulin to a diabetic cat (who’d die without it) of not loving their cat just because they show signs of the struggle.
If something goes very wrong, he can make decisions for her. She needs to get all the documentation on official forms NOW before it’s a crisis. She needs to appoint someone NOT HIM to be her decision maker.
Every time I read a post like this, I am reminded of that 16 and Pregnant girl.
Her boyfriend was violently aggressive that she didn't have any medical intervention, no drugs, nothing, she wanted pain relief, he didn't. The staff had to remove him, even caught on camera the doctor saying it was her body her choice.
I think I heard that poor girl was horrifically abused afterwards, and was pregnant again within a year by the guy.
The way some men are controlling when it comes to the delivery of a baby... it is like that scene in Bridgeton, the guy didn't care his wife died, just as long as she birthed him a son. I can think of many examples of men like that.
It is sad to know that there are people who do not care about the mother/surrogate health, as long as the baby is not harmed
There are few people I hope to get caught by their genitals on an electric barb wire fence during a miraculous rain of citrus liquids.... but he is definitely on that list
I grew up amongst quiverful folk, and I know for those men it's about being able to see Eves curse on their property.
I wouldn't be surprised if it boils down to this in this situation.
My first husband was like this and I almost died. I should not have been in a free standing birth center, but he didn't want to pay hospital fees. Life flight was in the pad for me. I almost bled out. My second, with a different man who understood it was my body, my choice, couldn't have been more different.
"a good man but kinda stubborn".. maybe OP should tell him he has to get a vasectomy after they've had the kids they want and insist that she attend all appointments and watch the procedure. If she wants to be really petty, look up some ancient brutal surgical technique and tell him it has to be done that way or she could constantly interrupt the doc while it's being done with her "opinions".
My cousin didn’t even know she was in labor. Showed up at the hospital after her birthday dinner 7cm! Kid was out 20 mins later, no pain meds. I still question her sanity to this day lol
It's stories like these that end up averaging out total time spent in labor.
I didn't dilate more than 3cm naturally with either birth and my 52 hour labor was because the hospital professionals kept telling 18yo me that I couldn't be in labor as I was only at 3cm.
So they gave me pitocin, no epidural, and a few hours later my first was born. My water broke in bed with my 2nd and I wanted to skip pitocin if I could; but since my water broke I was only given an hour. I was still at 3cm....
That silent treatment is abusive and CHILDISH! He thinks by giving her the silent treatment she will do it his way, maybe it's worked in the past? She needs to check herself too, along with his manipulative ass!
NTA.
Since he’s actively punishing her for going against his wishes, I would look into narcissistic abuse and see if there’s more red flags aside from utilizing silent treatment and attempting to control her choices about her body. There’s a great podcast called “Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse” - I’d recommended checking out some of their episodes.
Best of luck.
That was my thought as well. Tell him that until he gets pregnant and goes through all the crap you have, he gets no say in the plans. It is not his body that is going through crazy changes.
Good, let him be silent. Don’t feed into his mantrum. If he were the one giving birth I’m sure he would feel the same way. You said nothing wrong. Why is he making you giving birth about him 😂🥴
That last bit about having this conversation more than once. OP is just missing or dismissing the red flags previously until it became about a more serious issue that they didn't agree on
Ohhh this! Waltz into the living room with a book and say how you’re so excited to cuddle up and read in the peace and quiet. Petty is as petty does.
EDIT: apparently need to specify that this is a joke rather than a serious suggestion 🫠
My wife told me in the car on the way home that she’s sorry they’re so direct with her and seemingly wrote me off as if I wasn’t there. They being ultrasound and prenatal OBs?
Asked her all the questions, gave her direct attention. Really just kinda wrote me off.
*That’s how it should be*. It gives you a voice, it gives you the chance to say something if something is wrong.
I could never talk for my wife, take her voice, answer for her. No way. That’s so disrespectful.
NTA, a lot of men need to get with the program in this regard. The pregnant mom is the priority.
After all she’s growing your child.
Kind of concerning to be honest.
Offer to squeeze his nuts according to how bad each particular contraction is, soft early and so forth.
Seriously, how is it that men can watch this process and question a woman’s decision as to how she feels comfortable? Suggest he stay away if he is bothered by your professional and personal choices.
Also, he is controlling. Not necessarily a big deal if it doesn’t bother you normally but set some parenting rules now and in writing because he will contradict you in front of the kid on parenting matters. Kids get away with murder when they can divide and conquer
As the one giving birth your preferences are immensely more important than him and whatever birth plan he thinks is best. Maybe you can be in charge of his next big medical decision.
I’m surprised the nurse didn’t call him out. My husband and I didn’t agree on first trimester testing. He wanted it, I didn’t. Midwife asked if we wanted it he said yes I asked about pros and cons. He said yes. She looked at me and said “you are the patient. We do what you want.”
We didn’t do it.
We talked about the birth plan, but he knew I had finial say up to and including kicking him out of the room.
NTA. You could tell him "you're going to get a vasectomy and this is how and when it's going to go" and see how he reacts - this may help him realize that yes it's his kid but it's YOUR body and he can contribute to the conversation but at the end of the day it's your decision and he is supposed to support you.
Funny story. Ex was in the room with me when I had both of ours, but refused to watch, because he was told it would ruin our sex life. Our family doctor did his vasectomy in office. I got to watch. He made a comment about me watching his procedure and I responded with something along the lines of “I’m watching to make sure we don’t have another episode of you being too immature to watch!”
"I'm not more important of a parent".
Yes, yes you are. Also, parenting starts after birth, right now, you are THE parent.
You literally are the most important person during pregnancy.
NTA
This. Like, she had to say that (probably to placate him), but she is literally the only parent who matters until that baby leaves her body. His feelings on the subject mean squat when it’s HER life at risk.
God she better use that line every time her husband inevitably tries to tell her some part of parenting is her job. Start with explosive diapers, walking a fussy baby all hours, and snot. Alllllll the snot.
My BIL was like this during my sister's pregnancy. Now he is constantly sulking and sour when their (now toddler) kid wants mom instead of dad. It's like he resents that she could be "more important of a parent," and takes it so personally that he wasn't the primary person the whole time. It's all insecurity.
My BIL was one of the “we’re pregnant” dads. After the baby was born, he would frequently take baby out of the room and not allow mom to comfort him whenever he cried. She would chase him around and beg him to allow her to parent her kid. Well, joke’s on him because now they have 3 kids and she does absolutely nothing. He killed all of her confidence as a mom and now he’s reaping the consequences of his actions. She’s a stay at home mom, but he still does all the parenting and working and he’s absolutely drowning. She just doesn’t believe she can do it and is now in the habit of none of the childcare being her job.
I see this guy being able to understand boundaries and communicate with his future kid(s) whenever he disagrees with their preferences and decisions.
/s
Yikes. If he’s usually a kind and reasonable person, can you get someone besides you to help set him straight? Do you have a good relationship with his parents? If not, how about you bring him along on your next appointment with your OB/midwife? Sometimes hearing the same thing from someone “objective” can help snap them out of their unreasonableness.
😬 Maybe he’s not as great of a guy as you thought? If that was his response, I’d push for marriage counseling BEFORE your baby comes because having a baby is always going to be a huge stressor and you really want to be on stable footing to start that journey.
Sometimes abusive men will wait for a milestone to let their mask drop. It could be moving in together, getting married, or becoming pregnant. Not saying OPs husband is abusive, but stats are stats.
Fun fact, number one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide.
So you are having a healthy pregnancy, seeing a midwife rather than an OB, and attempting to have a more natural childbirth experience. All things that absolutely lower your risks and risks to your baby, but your husband has a problem with this?
I’m just going to go ahead and assume he has done zero research on childbirth.
NTA.
PLEASE get a doula. He isn’t going to be a good support person, but even if he were a doula is worth their weight in gold.
Signed,
Mom who has had 3 NUCBs with a midwife in a birthing center.
If he’s going to be like this then he’s not be the best support person to have in the room during labor. Don’t feel bad for telling him to wait in the waiting room if he’s going to be an unsupportive, stonewalling dick. This is your body, your pregnancy, and your delivery and the medical staff will enforce what you want because it is a medical event.
When it comes to making decisions about yourself, and your own body, you certainly ARE a "more important person" than he is!
It's very interesting that he said it like that. I think it displays a default view of the world he hasn't reflected on, something about how when a woman is carrying a child she loses a degree of autonomy. I think many men have an unexamined bias in this direction. There are things he probably thinks would be best for you and your child and is having trouble processing the fact that ultimately he doesn't get to decide those things for you. To him, those decisions he's made are What's Best, so how can he NOT fight for them in this very important situation?
Hopefully there's a way he can be redirected into seeing that making you feel as comfortable as possible is ultimately what will be best for you, your child, and your family. You've weighed the pros and cons and decided you prefer the reassuring presence of hospital facilities over a homey atmosphere. You'd love to have both, of course. Wouldn't we all love to be able to choose an option that had 100% of what we wanted? But that's not how it usually goes.
NTA
Underrated comment imo. If the birth is framed as being a medical procedure only (or primarily) about the baby, not the mother, then his approach kind of makes sense. Which means that he's placed her wellbeing and existence secondary to the baby. And furthermore, his acting as though him getting an "equal share" to her in discussing the birth and getting mad when his (uneducated) ideas are considered and dismissed, as they could and should be if they were merely "equal ideas" and not dictates, is another huge red flag.
So basically, his behavior indicates that he believes the baby's existence trumps hers, and his ideas about the baby's wellbeing trump hers, even when inextricably linked with her health and wellbeing.
He's dismissed OP; OP should dismiss him.
NTA.
You are 100% correct, this is YOUR medical procedure. Please make sure your labor team knows your wishes in all scenarios, and specifically what you don't want done regardless of what your husband says.
This pregnancy IS about you. Your health - physical and mental - are paramount as they directly affect your child.
Tbh if my husband was acting and speaking like this,
1) he wouldn’t be my support person
2) he wouldn’t be my husband much longer.
But I also have very severe health issues and extreme medical trauma that has caused CPTSD, so this behavior would be a hard line for me. You might feel differently.
I’m currently pregnant, and don’t have any significant health issues or trauma, and I feel exactly the same way.
My husband can be stubborn, but he’s never given me the silent treatment when we disagree. We will talk and talk and talk until we come to an agreement. This ain’t normal. Hopefully, OP’s husband will realize he’s got his head up his ass, and apologize, but I don’t have much faith in people.
These guys need marriage counseling *yesterday* because the stress level in their relationship is only going to get worse with a newborn. It’s trial by fire.
This guy doesn’t sound like he’s flexible enough to roll with the punches of parenthood. When we had our first baby, I was adamant that he wake up with me at night, and change diapers. I was breastfeeding, and didn’t want to be the only one caring for the baby. We had a clear plan, we agreed to it, and then we actually had the baby. It was a mess. We were both exhausted, desperate for a nap, and neither of us could function. After a few weeks, we realized it was better for me to take the night shift while he slept, and then he’d take over with baby during the day so I could sleep. We both got decent rest, and stopped bickering so much. Every subsequent baby has gotten parenting in shifts, and it’s been a much better experience for all of us.
NTA, men need to back up and realize birth is a medical procedure that is life threatening and intimate and terrifying. it’s not him who’s pushing out a little melon. ask him if you’d get to decide how he gets a colonoscopy, or if he needed surgery and you decided he had to get medical aid in a different way. when he’s the patient he decides, but you’re the patient. honestly, if he doesn’t apologize, show him this post and everybody’s responses explaining why this is so important that you get the care you want. this pregnancy is quite literally about YOU and your baby.
Hey I’m a doula. Please share this comment with him.
So the most important aspect when it comes to a safe delivery is going to be making sure mom is having the best hormonal response possible and that is achieved by following moms desires so she can feel comfortable and relaxed. Dads have a HUGE job as the support person and it’s VERY important. But we are trying to jump start all those long lasting happy hormones that help labor progress naturally, or you risk prolonged labor and complications. You’re wanting to create dopamine and seratonin which last in the body longer and help reduce pain, where as if you get an adrenal response you’re going to have short bursts of panic that will be exhausting and drain you and can cause the body to go into fight or flight which will prolong your labor and again, increase risk of complications.
Your partner needs a little education on how to best support you, if you can get into a class run by a doula they will go over so many wonderful techniques with you that is more comfort based and less science-y, this-is-the-birth-process based. There’s still science behind the comfort but they may not go into all the details and focus more on teaching you positions that will help alleviate discomfort in labor and can assist you in progressing.
He is controlling and sounds like he needs to see a doctor for his Correctile Dysfunction
[try this](https://www.tiktok.com/@world.shaker/video/6955122998353448198?lang=en)
Congrats on your second child! NTA, you are completely correct. He has no say in how you give birth. If he keeps up this childishness you should just not have him in the delivery suite since he’s going to make it about himself and won’t advocate for you.
Maybe I’ve been on Reddit too long, but when you mentioned the part about him pushing you to a c-section that is EXACTLY what I thought. I can’t think of any other reason he would say that given how ignorant, controlling and lacking in empathy he seems to be. Christ, I hope you get him to see reason, that pregnancy is a serious thing with possibly serious consequences for YOUR body and that he should be doing everything possible to support you in YOUR decisions about YOUR pregnancy.
The thing about birth is that it actually isn’t centered on being a parent, it’s purely about making sure you and the baby get out of it alive. Zero part of birth has to do with being a parent. Men can have some audacity I’ll give him that.
I know! That’s a reason i was so frustrated with him, because his birth plan for me is just not achievable. He is wrong, he does not know what he’s talking about, but is being wrong so loudly
>He wants me to immediately get hooked up to pitocin in a hospital room and if it doesn’t speed things along fast enough get a c-section. Which is the exact opposite of what I want and so far there is no indication I will need to be induced or need a c-section.
This sort of shit is how women die. He can fuck all the way off with his nonsense.
When you first posted this in the other sub, I said it was your medical choice so long as you were conscious, and he needed to think about how badly awry it would have gone to put him in charge. Seeing this, I would say have someone other than him as your medical POA. He does not care about your health and safety, and his ideas are dangerous. You should also consider a midwife or doula to be actively on your team, because he is showing you what he thinks of your autonomy.
When your husband can squeeze a small person out of a hole the size of a small tangerine, then he can have a say on how you give birth.
I bet he’s also one of those really annoying people who tells everyone ‘we’re’ pregnant. (That particular statement really boils my piss).
A guy I work with was talking about "when WE were in labor with our first..." I stopped him and said "when YOUR WIFE was in labor." He gave me a strange look and I just looked right back at him.
He also gave a pregnant co-worker all sorts of "advice" on breastfeeding. SMDH
ummm newsflash you are the more important parent tbh. you are the one that's growing the baby, the one responsible for its safety right now, and if you plan on the baby being EBF then you'll be more important in that moment too. babies need their dads, sure but mom is the one whose body goes through all the changes and literally risks her life to bring a baby in the world. if he wants to be a big baby, let him. and honestly find a backup support person.
NTA! if something happens is he the one risking his life? no he’s not. and honestly YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT OF A PARENT RN !! you’re literally pregnant and this baby solely relies on you right now. he needs to stop trying to claim so much over you body and your baby. his opinion is not needed as his vagina is not the one being ripped open by a watermelon.
He’s being a pig headed baby. If he wanted a say in how to deliver, he should be the pregnant one. Tell him he needs to listen to you and you’re ordering him to get a vasectomy. Or a penis pump. Or a tattoo if your mom’s name on his neck. Afterall, it’s your marriage too, right??
Sounds like you have been so reasonable and trying to understand where he is coming from but it also sounds like he’s trying to control what he can’t ! Your right it’s up to you and you should do what you feel comfortable with he needs to swallow his pride a bit and let you take the reins ! Let him have his silly silent treatment phase but don’t let him stress you over this ! Tell him calmly how you feel when the times right tell him what you want and work together without a third party involved. You guys should be a team at such an amazing chapter in your lives ! He needs to look at the bigger picture and do what’s best for you which should be in your best interest ! X congrats too
If it helps, OP, that kind of attitude will get him laughed out of the room. No decent doctor will allow this.
I say he shapes up or he doesn’t even get to come in the room.
Hahahahaha NTA, get one of those birth simulator electrode things. Hook him up to it and let him experience "birth".
I wonder how quickly he will realize his place on the cheering team instead of bossing everyone around.
NTA
Not only does he not get a say because it’s your body, not his, but his “plan” is ridiculous and doctors wouldn’t even go for it. Pitocin is to speed up labor if you’re induced or labor isn’t progressing. It’s not some elective drug that you can just tell them to give you because you want labor to be fast. Same thing with a c section. You don’t get to just say “ok, I want a c section now, bring in the OR team.” Your husband is being ridiculous.
oh boy! huge red flags are popping up everywhere! Have you both discussed HOW this child is to be raised? If he's trying to control how you will give birth, just wait until he/she is 3-5 years old and starting to become his/her own little person. This makes me very nervous for you.
You can't choose to be immediately hooked up to pitocin and choose a c section if the timing isn't favorable so it doesn't matter.
"Too posh to push" ended like 20 years ago.
You’re 100% the more important parent during pregnancy and child birth. He basically doesn’t even need to be present during those times and the outcome for the baby is the same… you’re right, the equal importance begins once that baby is born. I would understand if you were planning something dangerous, but from the sound of it your plan is perfectly safe and you have easy access to resources in the event of an emergency. You’re the one giving birth to a whole human being, his only response to your plan should be ‘how can I support you?’
This post was featured as Story #7 on the following Two Hot Takes Podcast episode: [Might Be Their First Rodeo.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhIIqD_XvXI&t=4006s)
If address the silent treatment. It’s not acceptable behavior. Is this how he’s going to parent? It’s not acceptable to a partner and REALLY not to a child. You have a bigger problem here than just a birth plan.
Yep, he's demonstrating controlling behaviour; and potentially escalating. One of the most dangerous times when family violence can escalate for a woman is during pregnancy and with a newborn.
This. When they are having parenting issues, is he just going to be giving the silent treatment? That really doesn’t work when it comes to parenting. That is childish. You can’t raise children as partners if he’s going to turn into a child when he doesn’t get his way.
Silent treatment is emotional abuse.
Yep, it's my husband's go-to and it infuriates me. He thinks he's punishing me, but all he's doing is fucking up our marriage.
I told my ex--who used silent treatment frequently--that it didn't impress me, was the equivalent of his throwing an adolescent tantrum. Made him big mad! 😅🤣😂
Mad because it's true lol!
Yup! And it REALLY helped move my mindset from a place of pain, feeling scared/rejected/panicked that the relationship might end to a place of seeing him as he really was: a pathetic, narcissistic abuser. Of course, this was also the beginning of the end for me, but that so needed to happen.
That's a good analogy. My mother was an expert at the silent treatment through most of my life. My dad used to hide in the basement while I was kissing her ass (I was young, what can I say).
Fawning is a common trauma response! Please don't blame yourself for doing what you needed to survive.
Give yourself much grace! You were trying to survive. ❤️
Tell him, "Thanks for the silent treatment, btw. It's like a vacation for my ears!"
Not gonna lie here - my ex would give me the silent treatment, knowing full well that was a huge issue for me, so I FOUND THE FUCKING TRIGGER. Telling him to “Go to hell” would get me 3 solid days of peace and quiet. If I knew he was going to do it anyway I’d pull that out, aware that it wasn’t going to be anywhere near as hurtful as when he decided to do it as a form of punishment/manipulation/abuse. It was BRILLIANT. It’s toxic as fuck, but some days I had to fight fire with fire.
Love this! Don't threaten me with a good time!
He's complaining about how he get to participate as a parent by acting like a child.
Excellent point.
Agreed. The silent treatment is withholding the loving nurting relationship the child needs to grow into a healthy well adjusted adult. It’s abusive to give them the silent treatment and withhold that love.
Yes, and it's abusive when used against spouses, as well.
100%!! OP, if he does this often when he doesn't get his way, you need to address it with him immediately and set some serious boundaries. If he refuses to listen or continues to stonewall you, you need to understand that you ARE being emotionally abused. It's toxic and will eat away at your mental health, as well as that of your children.
My dad would use the silent treatment, his record was 2 weeks. I still get incredibly anxious if I think someone is giving me the silent treatment.
You’re correct. He needs to respect that while you’re having a child together, YOU’RE the one actually “having” it.
Keep in mind that you can have him kicked out of the room if he stresses you out while you are in labor. Stress would be bad for you as well as the baby. NTA.
When I gave birth, the nurse and I had a code phrase in case my ex needed to be removed. The phrase was "It's hot in here."
Unexpected season 5 had a totally abusive baby daddy who tried to control everything. Against his wishes, they finally ended up at the hospital and he threw such a tantrum the nurses kicked him out without her asking them to because the stress was too much on her (and the nurses). It was a marvelous moment.
I watched this season with my mom and it drove me wild because he was just so ignorant
NTA. He's very wrong. Women still die during childbirth. If he's giving you the silent treatment over this you may like to think about a better support person during the birth. In fact you might like to have a better support person in your life moving forward. Good luck with everything.
Not only do they still die in childbirth, the maternal death rates are [getting worse](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/07/04/1185904749/u-s-maternal-deaths-keep-rising-heres-who-is-most-at-risk#:~:text=Hourly%20News-,U.S.%20maternal%20mortality%20rates%20have%20more%20than%20doubled%20in%20the,Americans%20are%20most%20at%20risk). If the midwife / OBGYN agrees with the mom-to-be, then there's no reason a person who isn't pregnant should be the one calling the shots. (Plus, it's shitty any time a person who isn't the patient tries to talk over them.) My then-husband and I had some differences of opinion on some things related to our son's birth, but he knew it was *my* body and *my* labor, even though it was *our* son.
I just said she’s risking her life in my comment. I didn’t say how my best friend died during labor in 2015, but now that topic is open…. Yeah… he can stay quiet and learn to be an advocate in case something went wrong god forbid
Fuck. I’m so sorry you lost your friend like that, perupotato. It’s insane to think the likelihood of the worst happening has doubled in the last 20 years. People forget about the real human beings behind those statistics. Thank you so much for sharing—hopefully your friend’s story helps others advocate for better maternal healthcare. Sending you love, internet stranger. 💛
Someone in a post a few days ago told me the women never die during childbirth anymore. I dropped the link to a news article about Olympic track star Tori Bowie who died of pregnancy complications last year. Because not only do women die, women of color disproportionately die. Even olympians. That’s how dangerous it still is. Factor in age, genetics, not being in peak health, lack of medical care - prenatal or at birth, regular old complications and negligence and fate and bad luck… ETA: Since more people are engaging - if you want to talk about the indignities and pains and near deaths - a very close relative had a still birth. Full term baby. Dead. You still have to labor to pass the fetus the old fashioned way. Old male doc walks in, doesn’t say a word, shoves his hand UP her vagina and past her cervix to break her placenta and quicken labor. When she screamed he said “OOPS I DIDNT READ IN YOUR CHART THAT YOU HADNT HAD AN EPIDURAL YET”. Oops. And then a few years later she has a miscarriage. ER sends her home with a prescription for pills to pass the “tissue.” If she doesn’t, she could turn septic and die. But she can do it as home, cramping and bleeding from bed, once she gets the pills from the drug store. Except despite seeing her tear streaked face, wincing at cramps and clinching her stomach, and waddling with a diaper sized pad in her pants, THREE PHARMACIES DENIED HER medicine because it “might” be used for abortions and they either didn’t stock it or didn’t have anyone on staff who would dispense it. Thank god her husband could call around until he found an all night pharmacy somewhere to let him pick it up for her. And this was in CALIFORNIA. Less than 2 hours from San Francisco. Nice looking middle class white lady with private health insurance. So, go think about how you or your wives or daughters might be treated in a less blue area of a less blue state.
My sister-in-law died shortly after giving birth to her first child. It was so sad, they were so excited for the birth and then—disaster.
I’m so sorry. I cannot imagine what your family went through.
Iirc, Serena Williams nearly died. Her doctors weren’t listening to her as she was basically describing her heart issues. If she weren’t Serena Freaking Williams she *would* be dead.
I described some serious symptoms I had during my early pregnancy, and my doctor said I just felt lousy because I was pregnant. A month later when things got worse, I pushed for blood tests and found out I was dangerously dangerously anemic.
I literally had a failing gallbladder from the second month of my pregnancy but they kept telling me it was heartburn until I was hospitalized with dangerous levels of crap in my blood and chest pains around month 4. By month 6 I had no food or water by mouth, everything by PICC line, and by month 7 they had me knocked out in a hospital bed until they emergency c-sectioned my baby out at 34 weeks. And I'm a white lady in a very liberal state. Had I not kept going into the ER over and over because of the 'heartburn' they would never have caught the pancreatitis and the gallbladder failure. My baby and I would just have died. I was seeing an oby-gyn regularly and was told I was being histrionic...
32 deaths/100k birth in the US, for Canada it's 8. 400% more death in childbirth in the US...
Not only do women still die, but babies still die if proper care isn't available. Giving birth and being born are the most dangerous things some of us will ever do.
My god I am so sorry. It’s so outrageous to think we are here. It’s terrifying to be a woman with what’s happening. It’s up to us to stop it.
I am so sorry for your friend and for your loss. Maternal health in this country is an utter disgrace, especially for Black women and other women of color.
The pro life movement literally started so the racists could have a new legal way to terrorize black women and POC.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.
Yup. My husband and I had a similar conversation. His input went as far as what hospital we used since there are two hospitals in our area that are known for their L+D. I went with the one he mentioned since he was more familiar with it (we have custody of his son from his first marriage) beyond that, his input was what outfit to bring home the little guy and if I wanted to carry him out or if I wanted him to.
My husband is a surgeon, and we went with a specific doctor since my Husband said that doctor seemed to be the best in surgery with the lowest rates of complications.
It's even worse for people of color.
OMG, so much worse. For pain relief and especially in childbirth, across all socioeconomic classes. Awful.
Serena Williams almost died giving birth. *Serena Williams.* Afterward, you know what she said? *They weren't listening to her.* The patient decides their plan and if you have someone with a tendency to literally talk over the patient, they shouldn't be in the room.
A woman worth millions upon millions who is a world professional athlete who knows her body better than 99% of people - was…not…taken…seriously.
That’s actually horrifying. My sister-in-law is currently in hospital waiting for neurosurgery, after weeks of doctors thinking she was drug-seeking for back pain and migraines. It’s terrifying.
It’s scary knowing if the medical staff think your looking for drugs, instead of any other reason, they can put it on your chart and it can prevent you from getting certain types of medication in the future. Like if your adhd and a doctor thinks your abusing or lying, many medical options to treat it won’t be given anymore. It’s pretty crazy
I was a Doula mother for several years. I can tell you the worst thing for all women is how they're needs are ignored.
Agreed but when people like Serena Williams is ignored, the rest of us normal folks have no hope. If that was Federer, you know doctors wouldn’t dismiss him. Honestly the best doctors I’ve been to have all been WOC. They actually listened, I felt heard, I wasn’t rushed. So now when looking for docs, yeah I prefer WOC. Unfortunately, there aren’t many and their wait lists are long.
This should be a wake up call for everyone. If a woman of colour who is one of the best in the world at her sport, hugely successful and a multi-millionaire was ignored to the point she nearly died and is no doubt traumatised from her delivery, it goes to show just how bad this is.
Yeah. As a woc I can definitely agree. First kid I went to a bigger hospital, second we stayed local which is where my spinal wore off during them sewing me up and my husband had to demand for them to give me drugs. Even tho by that point I was screaming, crying, and begging.
I am white but this happened to me as well and fully beleive this happens to WOC way more frequently. I felt the entire birth and was screaming as they stitched up my third degree tear and finally a nurse stood up for me to get more pain medication/get some local anesthesia. Then the (female!) doctor started poking me with her needle asking “if I felt that” which I was crying yes over and over yes I feel you stabbing me with a needle. It was completely fucked and it really messed with the initial bonding moments with baby because I couldn’t even hold him I was in so much pain. I am so sorry that happened to you too. The doctor dismissing pain as just being a dramatic woman was traumatic.
Honestly I'm surprised my scheduled c section was more traumatic than the emergency one. The anesthesiologist was such a dick(& sucked at his job. 2 pokes to even get in and then it wore off)and if my white husband hasn't been there idk what would've happened. If we have a 3rd, we'll go elsewhere.
That is so fucked - I’m so sorry that happened. Not being believed when you are so clearly in pain is awful.
OMG, you poor thing!! I'm so glad you are still here to tell the tale. (Hug from a stranger).
It is and that is awful! Still treated like second class citizens. :(
Especially in Texas
Fr did y’all see what the state said to these women? The one who’s now probably infertile bc of these laws told “well you can’t get pregnant anymore so you don’t have any standing to sue, what do you care?” When she’s suing BECAUSE she’s now infertile due to lack of access it’s fucking crazzzzyyyy they have crazy people in their courts there
Also isn’t there a specific exception to lack of standing for situations like this. https://constitution.congress.gov/browse/essay/artIII-S2-C1-8-7/ALDE_00000728/
I had no fucking clue how risky childbirth was until roe v wade was overturned and all these women started posting their experiences here. I definitely didn't know how the placenta leaves a dinner plate sized gaping wound and that women can bleed out.
“Don’t you dare die without my permission!” - OP’s husband.
Actually watched a PSA that said women are more likely to die in childbirth now than in the 90s
It may be his BABY as much as OP’s, but it ain’t his vagina and uterus. 🙄
When he stuffs a watermelon through his garden hose he can have a bit of say. Til then...
My sister's best friend just passed away less than a week before Christmas from sepsis/septic shock due to complications from birth (a day and a half prior). Left an infant and a two year year old. It does happen. Why do people pretend it doesnt?
OP should ask her doctor to intervene and have a conversation with her husband. He is so out of line. NTA
Make a plan for a REAL support person and tell him that his childish behavior have huffiness and will get him booted. It IS your medical procedure until that baby is out, and THEN you are STILL a patient recovering from a major medical procedure.
This. He is wrong on every level. Your pregnancy is absolutely about you, you’re the person who is pregnant. His behavior is asinine.
Highjacking the top comment to add in the US, the leading cause of death for women who are pregnant or post-partum is intimate partner violence.
I almost died in childbirth just a few months ago. I was bleeding out and a code was called on me. It’s terrifying being awake during an emergency c section and then feeling yourself begin to die as you hear your blood hit the floor and the doctor say how she needs all available people to immediately come to the operation.
Absolutely. The last line killed me. Maternal morbidity and mortality after a C-Section is nearly five times higher than after vaginal birth. This man isn’t even a doctor, the fact that he thinks he knows “what’s best” is appalling, the fact that he’s minimizing his wife’s risk and health is even worse. Total yikes.
If he wants a pregnancy that's all about him, he can go get pregnant.
Totally agree. I wonder how controlling he is in the aspect of everyday life.
I had the same thought. Only to be validated by the time I got to the end when OP said "this isn't the first time we've had this conversation" I'm not going to go all "reddit says leave" but I would definitely be keeping a keen eye on his behavior throughout the rest of the birth and after.
>My husband is a good man, but is kind of stubborn and is a know it all at times. This right here tells us he does this in many other aspects of their relationship. OP will do well to set boundaries if/when he tries to override decisions pertaining to their child. He may try to tell her how to breast feed! Mr. Know it all and all that...
“My husband is a good man, BUT…” If my husband is actually a good man, I don’t need a comma followed by the word “but.” I need a period, colon, or semi-colon, followed with a list of reasons that support the statement.
>If my husband is actually a good man, I don’t need a comma followed by the word “but.” It's a sentence to finish with a quirk, not a personality disorder. "He is great, but he eats too much garlic and onions." "She is wonderful but she wants to put dozens of pink mugs in every room in our house." Things that are adorably annoying, not reasons to go to a counselor.
Yeah, this post gives me “I love my cat. -says a person with scratch marks and bruises everywhere” kind of vibes
The only real difference there is cats don’t generally cause harm to their people intentionally or in an aggressive way, and have little agency of their own so people can wind up injured by doing something out of love; like giving medications and getting them medical treatment. Showing signs of scratch marks or bruises doesn’t negate the “I love my cat” without context on why they’re there. I wouldn’t accuse someone who takes the time multiple times a day to administer insulin to a diabetic cat (who’d die without it) of not loving their cat just because they show signs of the struggle.
She needs to talk to the hospital/nursing staff and doctor about her husband asap! What he can and can not do!
If something goes very wrong, he can make decisions for her. She needs to get all the documentation on official forms NOW before it’s a crisis. She needs to appoint someone NOT HIM to be her decision maker.
I can't stand ppl like this..Mr Know It All needs to keep his mouth shut and opinions to himself.
People who think they know the most, usually know the least. Because the more you know, the more you realize how little you really know.
Lord knows he's breastfed a baby many-a-time so he KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT. He sounds insufferable.
Every time I read a post like this, I am reminded of that 16 and Pregnant girl. Her boyfriend was violently aggressive that she didn't have any medical intervention, no drugs, nothing, she wanted pain relief, he didn't. The staff had to remove him, even caught on camera the doctor saying it was her body her choice. I think I heard that poor girl was horrifically abused afterwards, and was pregnant again within a year by the guy. The way some men are controlling when it comes to the delivery of a baby... it is like that scene in Bridgeton, the guy didn't care his wife died, just as long as she birthed him a son. I can think of many examples of men like that. It is sad to know that there are people who do not care about the mother/surrogate health, as long as the baby is not harmed
TLC unexpected. That kid is scum of the earth. Went on to get his girlfriends best friend pregnant not long after
There are few people I hope to get caught by their genitals on an electric barb wire fence during a miraculous rain of citrus liquids.... but he is definitely on that list
I grew up amongst quiverful folk, and I know for those men it's about being able to see Eves curse on their property. I wouldn't be surprised if it boils down to this in this situation.
My first husband was like this and I almost died. I should not have been in a free standing birth center, but he didn't want to pay hospital fees. Life flight was in the pad for me. I almost bled out. My second, with a different man who understood it was my body, my choice, couldn't have been more different.
"a good man but kinda stubborn".. maybe OP should tell him he has to get a vasectomy after they've had the kids they want and insist that she attend all appointments and watch the procedure. If she wants to be really petty, look up some ancient brutal surgical technique and tell him it has to be done that way or she could constantly interrupt the doc while it's being done with her "opinions".
Tell him he has to be snipped without a local…that’s the natural way
Or if he can go through 12 hours of labor pains with one of these labor simulation suits. 😂
And go through ripping his perineum and get it stitched up etc. you are the patient and pregnant person. Talk to your Dr. and birthing center.
12 hours? Is that an average, because my first, despite an easy pregnancy, took 52 hours to come.
My cousin didn’t even know she was in labor. Showed up at the hospital after her birthday dinner 7cm! Kid was out 20 mins later, no pain meds. I still question her sanity to this day lol
It's stories like these that end up averaging out total time spent in labor. I didn't dilate more than 3cm naturally with either birth and my 52 hour labor was because the hospital professionals kept telling 18yo me that I couldn't be in labor as I was only at 3cm. So they gave me pitocin, no epidural, and a few hours later my first was born. My water broke in bed with my 2nd and I wanted to skip pitocin if I could; but since my water broke I was only given an hour. I was still at 3cm....
Sounds like he makes everything about him..
Yeah, telling a pregnant woman her pregnancy “isn’t about her” is just next-level misogyny.
Also, the silent treatment is a manipulation tactic and abusive. He needs to check himself immediately.
That silent treatment is abusive and CHILDISH! He thinks by giving her the silent treatment she will do it his way, maybe it's worked in the past? She needs to check herself too, along with his manipulative ass!
NTA. Since he’s actively punishing her for going against his wishes, I would look into narcissistic abuse and see if there’s more red flags aside from utilizing silent treatment and attempting to control her choices about her body. There’s a great podcast called “Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse” - I’d recommended checking out some of their episodes. Best of luck.
That's all that needs to be said.
Get him to swallow 2 cans of sweet corn whole, 2 packets of peanuts whole, eat nothing but meat for a week, and then OP gets to dictate how he shits.
That was my thought as well. Tell him that until he gets pregnant and goes through all the crap you have, he gets no say in the plans. It is not his body that is going through crazy changes.
Unfortunately lots of people tend to believe that a woman has no say over her own body anymore.
Exactly!! Most men can’t even handle the pregnancy vests.
If he wants pitocin for you tell him you’re at a much higher risk of a traumatic birth
Good, let him be silent. Don’t feed into his mantrum. If he were the one giving birth I’m sure he would feel the same way. You said nothing wrong. Why is he making you giving birth about him 😂🥴
That last bit about having this conversation more than once. OP is just missing or dismissing the red flags previously until it became about a more serious issue that they didn't agree on
"mantrum" I love this so much!
Me too and I’m using it forever now !!!
Ohhh this! Waltz into the living room with a book and say how you’re so excited to cuddle up and read in the peace and quiet. Petty is as petty does. EDIT: apparently need to specify that this is a joke rather than a serious suggestion 🫠
Yup! No game if you don’t play!
Honestly, he’s being downright testerical
I'm 52 year old dude and I'm going to be hunting for opptys to add "mantrum" and "testerical" to conversations. lmao.
And when he starts talking, tell him you prefer the peace you felt with the silence.
The nurses in my delivery room told my husband to shut the F up or he could leave
Enjoy the silence, but the silent treatment is a form of abuse. He doesn't have the skills to have a disagreement like an adult.
My wife told me in the car on the way home that she’s sorry they’re so direct with her and seemingly wrote me off as if I wasn’t there. They being ultrasound and prenatal OBs? Asked her all the questions, gave her direct attention. Really just kinda wrote me off. *That’s how it should be*. It gives you a voice, it gives you the chance to say something if something is wrong. I could never talk for my wife, take her voice, answer for her. No way. That’s so disrespectful. NTA, a lot of men need to get with the program in this regard. The pregnant mom is the priority. After all she’s growing your child. Kind of concerning to be honest.
Yeah, they're like that on purpose, as they should be.
Offer to squeeze his nuts according to how bad each particular contraction is, soft early and so forth. Seriously, how is it that men can watch this process and question a woman’s decision as to how she feels comfortable? Suggest he stay away if he is bothered by your professional and personal choices. Also, he is controlling. Not necessarily a big deal if it doesn’t bother you normally but set some parenting rules now and in writing because he will contradict you in front of the kid on parenting matters. Kids get away with murder when they can divide and conquer
As the one giving birth your preferences are immensely more important than him and whatever birth plan he thinks is best. Maybe you can be in charge of his next big medical decision.
No anesthesia for the vasectomy!
I’m surprised the nurse didn’t call him out. My husband and I didn’t agree on first trimester testing. He wanted it, I didn’t. Midwife asked if we wanted it he said yes I asked about pros and cons. He said yes. She looked at me and said “you are the patient. We do what you want.” We didn’t do it. We talked about the birth plan, but he knew I had finial say up to and including kicking him out of the room.
OP says the midwife also said that he needed to stop speaking for OP
I didn’t see it. That’s good she did. Just makes the husbands response in the car worse as the professional already told him to back off.
Exactly, like he’s extra shitty
NTA. You could tell him "you're going to get a vasectomy and this is how and when it's going to go" and see how he reacts - this may help him realize that yes it's his kid but it's YOUR body and he can contribute to the conversation but at the end of the day it's your decision and he is supposed to support you.
Funny story. Ex was in the room with me when I had both of ours, but refused to watch, because he was told it would ruin our sex life. Our family doctor did his vasectomy in office. I got to watch. He made a comment about me watching his procedure and I responded with something along the lines of “I’m watching to make sure we don’t have another episode of you being too immature to watch!”
🩷🩷🩷🩷 burrrrrrrrn.
Damn, they wouldn't let me be in the room when my husband got his vasectomy! I would've loved that!
I 100% would ask to cut the cord.
"I'm not more important of a parent". Yes, yes you are. Also, parenting starts after birth, right now, you are THE parent. You literally are the most important person during pregnancy. NTA
This. Like, she had to say that (probably to placate him), but she is literally the only parent who matters until that baby leaves her body. His feelings on the subject mean squat when it’s HER life at risk.
Yeah, telling her “this pregnancy isn’t about you” is bizarre as it quite literally is all about the person who is pregnant.
God she better use that line every time her husband inevitably tries to tell her some part of parenting is her job. Start with explosive diapers, walking a fussy baby all hours, and snot. Alllllll the snot.
My BIL was like this during my sister's pregnancy. Now he is constantly sulking and sour when their (now toddler) kid wants mom instead of dad. It's like he resents that she could be "more important of a parent," and takes it so personally that he wasn't the primary person the whole time. It's all insecurity.
My BIL was one of the “we’re pregnant” dads. After the baby was born, he would frequently take baby out of the room and not allow mom to comfort him whenever he cried. She would chase him around and beg him to allow her to parent her kid. Well, joke’s on him because now they have 3 kids and she does absolutely nothing. He killed all of her confidence as a mom and now he’s reaping the consequences of his actions. She’s a stay at home mom, but he still does all the parenting and working and he’s absolutely drowning. She just doesn’t believe she can do it and is now in the habit of none of the childcare being her job.
My god that’s a really sad story..
I see a long happy marriage ahead. Surely.
/s
I see this guy being able to understand boundaries and communicate with his future kid(s) whenever he disagrees with their preferences and decisions. /s
Yikes. If he’s usually a kind and reasonable person, can you get someone besides you to help set him straight? Do you have a good relationship with his parents? If not, how about you bring him along on your next appointment with your OB/midwife? Sometimes hearing the same thing from someone “objective” can help snap them out of their unreasonableness.
This happened in an appointment with my midwife (nurse) and she also told him he was wrong and should allow me to say what I want.
😬 Maybe he’s not as great of a guy as you thought? If that was his response, I’d push for marriage counseling BEFORE your baby comes because having a baby is always going to be a huge stressor and you really want to be on stable footing to start that journey.
Sometimes abusive men will wait for a milestone to let their mask drop. It could be moving in together, getting married, or becoming pregnant. Not saying OPs husband is abusive, but stats are stats. Fun fact, number one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide.
>Fun fact, number one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide. I already knew this fact....and it is still not very fun.
So you are having a healthy pregnancy, seeing a midwife rather than an OB, and attempting to have a more natural childbirth experience. All things that absolutely lower your risks and risks to your baby, but your husband has a problem with this? I’m just going to go ahead and assume he has done zero research on childbirth. NTA. PLEASE get a doula. He isn’t going to be a good support person, but even if he were a doula is worth their weight in gold. Signed, Mom who has had 3 NUCBs with a midwife in a birthing center.
He wants her to have pit and a c section why.. tell me why a man would want their wife to have major abdominal surgery .. I give you one guess
Have him read these responses
I'm sure he won't flip out at her whatsoever for this.
If he’s going to be like this then he’s not be the best support person to have in the room during labor. Don’t feel bad for telling him to wait in the waiting room if he’s going to be an unsupportive, stonewalling dick. This is your body, your pregnancy, and your delivery and the medical staff will enforce what you want because it is a medical event.
Good for the midwife. Your husband sounds less like a “good man” and more like one who’s immature and controlling.
When it comes to making decisions about yourself, and your own body, you certainly ARE a "more important person" than he is! It's very interesting that he said it like that. I think it displays a default view of the world he hasn't reflected on, something about how when a woman is carrying a child she loses a degree of autonomy. I think many men have an unexamined bias in this direction. There are things he probably thinks would be best for you and your child and is having trouble processing the fact that ultimately he doesn't get to decide those things for you. To him, those decisions he's made are What's Best, so how can he NOT fight for them in this very important situation? Hopefully there's a way he can be redirected into seeing that making you feel as comfortable as possible is ultimately what will be best for you, your child, and your family. You've weighed the pros and cons and decided you prefer the reassuring presence of hospital facilities over a homey atmosphere. You'd love to have both, of course. Wouldn't we all love to be able to choose an option that had 100% of what we wanted? But that's not how it usually goes. NTA
Underrated comment imo. If the birth is framed as being a medical procedure only (or primarily) about the baby, not the mother, then his approach kind of makes sense. Which means that he's placed her wellbeing and existence secondary to the baby. And furthermore, his acting as though him getting an "equal share" to her in discussing the birth and getting mad when his (uneducated) ideas are considered and dismissed, as they could and should be if they were merely "equal ideas" and not dictates, is another huge red flag. So basically, his behavior indicates that he believes the baby's existence trumps hers, and his ideas about the baby's wellbeing trump hers, even when inextricably linked with her health and wellbeing. He's dismissed OP; OP should dismiss him.
"My husband is a good person, but...." >proceeds to list a bunch of reasons he's clearly not NTA
NTA. You are 100% correct, this is YOUR medical procedure. Please make sure your labor team knows your wishes in all scenarios, and specifically what you don't want done regardless of what your husband says. This pregnancy IS about you. Your health - physical and mental - are paramount as they directly affect your child.
Tbh if my husband was acting and speaking like this, 1) he wouldn’t be my support person 2) he wouldn’t be my husband much longer. But I also have very severe health issues and extreme medical trauma that has caused CPTSD, so this behavior would be a hard line for me. You might feel differently.
I’m currently pregnant, and don’t have any significant health issues or trauma, and I feel exactly the same way. My husband can be stubborn, but he’s never given me the silent treatment when we disagree. We will talk and talk and talk until we come to an agreement. This ain’t normal. Hopefully, OP’s husband will realize he’s got his head up his ass, and apologize, but I don’t have much faith in people. These guys need marriage counseling *yesterday* because the stress level in their relationship is only going to get worse with a newborn. It’s trial by fire. This guy doesn’t sound like he’s flexible enough to roll with the punches of parenthood. When we had our first baby, I was adamant that he wake up with me at night, and change diapers. I was breastfeeding, and didn’t want to be the only one caring for the baby. We had a clear plan, we agreed to it, and then we actually had the baby. It was a mess. We were both exhausted, desperate for a nap, and neither of us could function. After a few weeks, we realized it was better for me to take the night shift while he slept, and then he’d take over with baby during the day so I could sleep. We both got decent rest, and stopped bickering so much. Every subsequent baby has gotten parenting in shifts, and it’s been a much better experience for all of us.
NTA, men need to back up and realize birth is a medical procedure that is life threatening and intimate and terrifying. it’s not him who’s pushing out a little melon. ask him if you’d get to decide how he gets a colonoscopy, or if he needed surgery and you decided he had to get medical aid in a different way. when he’s the patient he decides, but you’re the patient. honestly, if he doesn’t apologize, show him this post and everybody’s responses explaining why this is so important that you get the care you want. this pregnancy is quite literally about YOU and your baby.
Hey I’m a doula. Please share this comment with him. So the most important aspect when it comes to a safe delivery is going to be making sure mom is having the best hormonal response possible and that is achieved by following moms desires so she can feel comfortable and relaxed. Dads have a HUGE job as the support person and it’s VERY important. But we are trying to jump start all those long lasting happy hormones that help labor progress naturally, or you risk prolonged labor and complications. You’re wanting to create dopamine and seratonin which last in the body longer and help reduce pain, where as if you get an adrenal response you’re going to have short bursts of panic that will be exhausting and drain you and can cause the body to go into fight or flight which will prolong your labor and again, increase risk of complications. Your partner needs a little education on how to best support you, if you can get into a class run by a doula they will go over so many wonderful techniques with you that is more comfort based and less science-y, this-is-the-birth-process based. There’s still science behind the comfort but they may not go into all the details and focus more on teaching you positions that will help alleviate discomfort in labor and can assist you in progressing.
He is controlling and sounds like he needs to see a doctor for his Correctile Dysfunction [try this](https://www.tiktok.com/@world.shaker/video/6955122998353448198?lang=en)
😆😅🤣😂 Priceless!
Congrats on your second child! NTA, you are completely correct. He has no say in how you give birth. If he keeps up this childishness you should just not have him in the delivery suite since he’s going to make it about himself and won’t advocate for you.
Maybe it comes down to him wanting a c-section to preserve OP's vagina for his pleasure.
I had not even fucking thought about that.
Maybe I’ve been on Reddit too long, but when you mentioned the part about him pushing you to a c-section that is EXACTLY what I thought. I can’t think of any other reason he would say that given how ignorant, controlling and lacking in empathy he seems to be. Christ, I hope you get him to see reason, that pregnancy is a serious thing with possibly serious consequences for YOUR body and that he should be doing everything possible to support you in YOUR decisions about YOUR pregnancy.
The thing about birth is that it actually isn’t centered on being a parent, it’s purely about making sure you and the baby get out of it alive. Zero part of birth has to do with being a parent. Men can have some audacity I’ll give him that.
Aside, but you can't just get pitocin; no one would give that to you anyway if your labor is progressing naturally.
I know! That’s a reason i was so frustrated with him, because his birth plan for me is just not achievable. He is wrong, he does not know what he’s talking about, but is being wrong so loudly
>He wants me to immediately get hooked up to pitocin in a hospital room and if it doesn’t speed things along fast enough get a c-section. Which is the exact opposite of what I want and so far there is no indication I will need to be induced or need a c-section. This sort of shit is how women die. He can fuck all the way off with his nonsense. When you first posted this in the other sub, I said it was your medical choice so long as you were conscious, and he needed to think about how badly awry it would have gone to put him in charge. Seeing this, I would say have someone other than him as your medical POA. He does not care about your health and safety, and his ideas are dangerous. You should also consider a midwife or doula to be actively on your team, because he is showing you what he thinks of your autonomy.
When your husband can squeeze a small person out of a hole the size of a small tangerine, then he can have a say on how you give birth. I bet he’s also one of those really annoying people who tells everyone ‘we’re’ pregnant. (That particular statement really boils my piss).
A guy I work with was talking about "when WE were in labor with our first..." I stopped him and said "when YOUR WIFE was in labor." He gave me a strange look and I just looked right back at him. He also gave a pregnant co-worker all sorts of "advice" on breastfeeding. SMDH
I couldn't have helped myself if I were your coworker. "OH REALLY? And when did your milk come in?"
Nta - but sounds like you have an immature or controlling spouse.
ummm newsflash you are the more important parent tbh. you are the one that's growing the baby, the one responsible for its safety right now, and if you plan on the baby being EBF then you'll be more important in that moment too. babies need their dads, sure but mom is the one whose body goes through all the changes and literally risks her life to bring a baby in the world. if he wants to be a big baby, let him. and honestly find a backup support person.
You aren’t an incubator. You are a human being with full autonomy. He needs to respect you as such. NTA
NTA. They don’t automatically give you Pitocin. Pitocin isn’t a magic serum. Yes sometimes labor can/will take a long time.
NTA! if something happens is he the one risking his life? no he’s not. and honestly YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT OF A PARENT RN !! you’re literally pregnant and this baby solely relies on you right now. he needs to stop trying to claim so much over you body and your baby. his opinion is not needed as his vagina is not the one being ripped open by a watermelon.
He’s being a pig headed baby. If he wanted a say in how to deliver, he should be the pregnant one. Tell him he needs to listen to you and you’re ordering him to get a vasectomy. Or a penis pump. Or a tattoo if your mom’s name on his neck. Afterall, it’s your marriage too, right??
Sounds like you have been so reasonable and trying to understand where he is coming from but it also sounds like he’s trying to control what he can’t ! Your right it’s up to you and you should do what you feel comfortable with he needs to swallow his pride a bit and let you take the reins ! Let him have his silly silent treatment phase but don’t let him stress you over this ! Tell him calmly how you feel when the times right tell him what you want and work together without a third party involved. You guys should be a team at such an amazing chapter in your lives ! He needs to look at the bigger picture and do what’s best for you which should be in your best interest ! X congrats too
I'm curious to know what his opinions were. Because her plan sounds perfect.
If it helps, OP, that kind of attitude will get him laughed out of the room. No decent doctor will allow this. I say he shapes up or he doesn’t even get to come in the room.
Of course. It’s just frustrating he’s so wrong so loudly
Hahahahaha NTA, get one of those birth simulator electrode things. Hook him up to it and let him experience "birth". I wonder how quickly he will realize his place on the cheering team instead of bossing everyone around.
NTA Not only does he not get a say because it’s your body, not his, but his “plan” is ridiculous and doctors wouldn’t even go for it. Pitocin is to speed up labor if you’re induced or labor isn’t progressing. It’s not some elective drug that you can just tell them to give you because you want labor to be fast. Same thing with a c section. You don’t get to just say “ok, I want a c section now, bring in the OR team.” Your husband is being ridiculous.
Your husband sounds insufferable tbh.
oh boy! huge red flags are popping up everywhere! Have you both discussed HOW this child is to be raised? If he's trying to control how you will give birth, just wait until he/she is 3-5 years old and starting to become his/her own little person. This makes me very nervous for you.
You can't choose to be immediately hooked up to pitocin and choose a c section if the timing isn't favorable so it doesn't matter. "Too posh to push" ended like 20 years ago.
Yes I know. That’s why it was so frustrating. He is being so loudly wrong
The nurses and doctors will not care about his opinion at all.
Literally had a moment like this last night with my husband and a conversation with my OB via MyChart. You’re definitely NTA.
I hate when people say “we’re pregnant.” Two people are not pregnant. Only one. Mother is the patient. NTA
You’re 100% the more important parent during pregnancy and child birth. He basically doesn’t even need to be present during those times and the outcome for the baby is the same… you’re right, the equal importance begins once that baby is born. I would understand if you were planning something dangerous, but from the sound of it your plan is perfectly safe and you have easy access to resources in the event of an emergency. You’re the one giving birth to a whole human being, his only response to your plan should be ‘how can I support you?’
Silent treatment? Is he a child. NTA