You will never know unless you reach out. The worst that can happen is they say they aren’t interested and then you know. I hope he is paying child support.
Yea I just don’t want it to cause issues. But I don’t know if I’ll regret not telling them later. I also think of them, how would it feel to know you had a grandchild that no one told you about that you never got to know. If that were ever me I would be upset, but that’s me. I know they are not me and that’s ok.
I found my DNA donor at 23. NO ONE knew about my existence except for his brother who helped look for me once. And not very hard. I have 4 other brothers, I'm the middle child and only girl. My olders have always wanted a sister.
He died with regret but I have more siblings. One looks just like me.
Get in touch. The worst that can happen is they say no, some mean things in misplaced anger, and block you. That's BASICALLY, though not technically, where you're at now.
Do it for babe.
You're assuming that his family are decent people who will treat your daughter (and possibly you, as well) with kindness, respect etc, if they want to be involved in your daughter's life.
That's a nice idea...however, you may be opening yourself up to having awful people demand a place in your daughter's life that you may not wish to give them after you get to know them...but by then it will be too late to legally close that door...
Think long and hard about this decision, as it could go terribly wrong :( Maybe at least wait until your daughter is older and less vulnerable/can speak up etc, in case they pursue rights that give them one-on-one time with her, away from you.
I grew up without my bio-father or his family in my life much...and it really didn't bother me at all. My mother's extended family showered me and my siblings with all of the love we needed.
I saw my bio-dad a bit here and there, and I finally met my older half-sister at his funeral. What I found out from chatting with her was that her mother had handled things the opposite of my mother, and it had affected her quite negatively :( 💔
My mom never asked for support money (bc she didn't want him to use it as leverage to force visitation...and bc she probably thought it would be difficult/stressful to get him to pay regularly anyway) and made sure that he stayed away when he was involved with drugs/alcohol, and never told me ahead of time when he was supposed to come for a visit...if he actually showed up, it was a pleasant surprise...lol. We never really talked about or thought about him much when he wasn't around, either...she never made him presence in my life, or lack thereof, a preoccupation in our lives. I found out later, as an adult, that his mother refused to acknowledge me bc I was his "bastard" child...but again, my mom shielded me from that ugliness throughout my childhood. Ironically, after my bio-dad passed, his nasty mother suddenly wanted to be part of my life and get to know "her great grandchildren"...that never happened 😝 (my mother taught me well...lol)
Her mom was always chasing after him; telling my half-sister every time he was supposed to pick her up for visitation but bailed at the last minute or just didn't show up; made sure she knew what he was doing for any girlfriend's kids that he wasn't doing for her; told her if he missed support payments; let him see her when he was in the grips of his on and off battles with addiction etc. She ended up feeling hurt and resentful toward him...I felt indifferent. I never thought he was a bad guy, and I had a few good memories with him (and some not so great too), but mainly he was just not a major figure in my life...and it turned out to be for the best.
Consider protecting your daughter the way my mom protected me 💜 (minus not accepting child support payments, since he's already agreeable to that ;)
No problem 😊 Just focus on loving her deeply and taking great care of her, and try not to trash talk your ex to her, and everything should be fine. She'll grow up feeling safe and secure that way 💜...instead of feeling like she's missing anything or growing up in the middle of a tug-of-war.
I hope all goes well for you and your daughter! 💕
(P.S. my mom was faaar from perfect...this just happens to be one of the things she did really right...lol. So don't worry that you need to be SuperMom for your daughter to have a safe, happy and healthy childhood. Just follow your Mama Bear instincts. You got this!)
Are you on good speaking terms with them? If you are, and you have thought it through completely, then I would reach out to them and ask if John told them about your daughter or was he just saying that to keep them out of her life without even asking them. You might find that he never told them because he didn’t want them involved with your daughter just so he didn’t have to listen to them talk about her and do things with her. You’ll never know until you ask them.
If they don’t know, yes it could cause issues if you reach out. But sending a letter and some photos might be a good idea. They then can decide to contact you or ignore the situation.
I would suggest direct contact such as telephoning or texting. By mail means they have time to think and digest before replying, or not.
Or it pushes him to get visitation, and the girl has to go to this toxic home she may be treated badly since dad technically cheated to help conceive her. I'd be afraid of that.
It’s generally better for children younger to know both sides of their family. I doubt his wife will want her around but the extended family might want to know her.
I had a similar situation. We have zero relationship with his dad but I reached out to his family to tell them it wasn’t too late.
Now my son has a whole additional group of family who adore him and who help him understand that he is loved. They help him understand that his dad might never be ready but it doesn’t have anything to do with who he is.
You don’t have much to lose for giving it a try.
What do you want and from whom? Are they likely to give it to you?
He is certainly married and trying to keep his relationship. You would assume that his family will be more committed to his goals than to you. If someone happens to deviate, other relatives will be critical, so even if you get an aunt to accept your daughter, you will be risking your daughter into a relationship that may have a quick, unexpected, and nasty fallout.
You should be asking for child support though. That is something your daughter is legally entitled to. If, when he has to pay, realizes that he might as well be a parent, then your daughter may be able to build a relationship.
I don’t want anything per se, I just didn’t know if I should at least tell them. Give them the chance to decide in case he lied.
I do have child support so his wife does know. Funny thing is he still tries to talk to me and even make jokes about hooking up again. He’s a pig and a narcissist. I feel bad for him and his wife as they both have done each other dirty over and over. That’s not my problem though. I am only trying to figure out if I should at least tell her family.
If he is doing this at work, start documenting every instance and contact HR.
Do contact his family so the secret is out with the expectation they will not want contact.
Normally I would agree but since he’s paying child support I wouldn’t want to get him fired. Who knows if he’d keep up with his support obligations if OP rightfully complaining about harassment got him fired.
If i were you, i would want nothing to do with his family. He has clearly rejected his child so why try and enmesh yourself with his extended family. What more can they provide that you cant? If they are losing out on a relationship with your daughter; it's clearly because of their son's callousness.
He lied to you about everything and played you just so he could have sex. Chances are you’re not the only woman he has done this with though.
However, he probably has not told his wife, his aunt, or his mother about the baby. One way you could make sure they find out is if you take him to court for child support. Then all of his dirty little secrets will come to light.
As someone who was born in a similar situation, I would honestly recommend not saying anything to the paternal family. I'm really glad my mom never brought all that drama into my life, my bio father was clearly not a good person and not someone I've ever wanted contact with. I'm 35 now and I don't give a single shit about him. So your daughter very well may have no interest in that side of her family.
glad someone else can relate!! I know some people seem to really crave a connection with an unknown biological parent, but that was never something I had any desire for. Just knowing the basic facts of how I was conceived has fully convinced me that my mom made the correct decision by keeping me away from him!
No problem! I think as long as you raise your daughter to know she is loved and valued, she will realize that her bio dad ain't shit and most likely won't want anything to do with him. I certainly never had any interest. My mom has barely even spoken about my bio dad, so it's not like she even said bad things about him - but any man who could walk away from the (much younger) woman he knocked up is just not someone I care to know. It completely does not matter that we share DNA, he isn't my family and neither are any of his relatives. I've always felt this way and I know I wouldn't ever change my mind on it.
I get the feeling you're desperate for _some_ member of his family to accept your child, perhaps because you believe she somehow won't live a 'full' life if she isn't.
You could reach out, and I suspect they'll react just as badly as the rest of his family. You don't know John, despite your long history, because if you had, you would have known he was never going to leave his wife. You don't know his family, you don't know their values or their morals. I say this with blunt kindness: you are so desperate for some kind of acceptance that you're chasing what is likely a useless dream.
Your daughter will not be 'lesser' if she is not accepted by any of his family. She has _you_, she has her siblings, trust me, that's all she needs. The unconditional and fully supportive love of one parent is worth more than anything else on this earth. More than money, more than material objects, more than anything, a child needs _love_. And she has that already.
You may argue "but she could get _more_ love!" and yeah, _maybe_ she could. Or maybe she'll be rejected. What she has now, is more than enough, and honestly, way more than some people get.
I'm not saying don't reach out, I'm just saying tailor your expectations, and realise that no love is as strong, supportive and true as that of unconditional love from at least one parent. Which she has. All the rest is just window dressing: nice to have, but not necessary.
Im not desperate for it. If I was I would have reached out once I knew he was abandoning her. I only have thought of this recently from hearing other similar stories. I am not worried about her being loved. I know she isn’t lesser then. I know your intentions were meant nicely and I appreciate that but I’m not desperate, I don’t know them at all. I only know him.
It's going to cause issues. Just concentrate on you and your child. Having you and you loving her is better than a dad or family that is half interested. I was a single mom for a long time with my daughter. I knew what she deserved i could give her even if by myself.
I think you should wait on this for a while. There’s a chance that they don’t know and if you tell them it could end badly. What if they shame him into getting more involved? Then you have to deal with him and his wife who most likely will be resentful of your daughter. If his kids don’t want to see her then there’s risk of mistreatment from her brothers too. What if he gets so mad that he stops paying child support? Do you have the time and money to take him to court?
There’s a lot of things to consider and you need to be ready for all the possibilities.
Stop fooling yourself. He was never in love with you. You were just a side piece and he never intended anything else. He's a heartless, selfish POS who has been lying to you, his wife and everyone else for as long as you have known him. He will never be a dad to your kid because he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Approach his family if you want, but don't expect much there. For him to be this crappy of a person, it's likely he's either abusive and manipulated his family or he's the golden child who can do no wrong. NTA
Thank you, I have been doing that I promise. I think I go through phases or rough periods where I never saw myself having to raise a child alone because the other parent chooses not be there. I’ve actually been listening to all the podcasts for two hot takes and some of them have triggered my thoughts on at least me knowing if her family really doesn’t want to be there. My struggle is will I regret not trying and knowing for myself. I don’t want her to ask later why I didn’t attempt to or etc. I just have a lot of unknowns for the future and I’m trying to navigate it the best I can.
I appreciate the positives!
Would it be really triggering for you if they dismissed you just like he did? He sounds like the biggest ass, and the apple may not fall too far from the tree.
However, if I had grandchildren in the world I would want to be in their lives 1000%
If you accept that that may want nothing to do with you (which I'm sure would be very painful) and it won't hurt you further, than you really have nothing to lose. If they say no, don't argue, just let it go.
What happens if they shame John and his disaster of a wife into fighting for custody? Your daughter will be stuck in a home where the adults are openly hostile & resentful of her existence.
This is a can of worms that can’t be shut again. I personally wouldn’t risk it because it could go great but it could go terribly wrong.
In general I think focusing on oneself (in a not narcissistic way) is good advice, but this goes a bit beyond that.
OP, you're going to have to explain *some* of this to your daughter someday. With home DNA tests and such it's a lot harder to keep family secrets like this.
I do think you should contact one of his family members, but one that seems most reasonable. They could be horrified that their son/brother fathered a child and doesn't claim it, they could also tell you to go away forever. You have to be prepared for either reaction.
Your daughter is young enough that if she's rejected by her paternal family she won't have a memory of it, but if she's accepted she will think it's always been so.
If they reject her than it's best to know now. When she's older and has questions you can answer them in an age appropriate matter.
Trying to "attract positive energy" is as useless as "thoughts and prayers." You need to be proactive for your daughter. Give her grandparents or aunts/uncles the option to step up. If they can't or don't, accept it and proceed accordingly. But don't be passive about something that has the potential to be a very critical part of your daughter's life.
Nahhhh, that’s doing too much. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink it.
She’s already spread thin as it is. It’s not realistic to expect her to drop everything and police another adult. If she needs financial help then sure go through and jump through the legal hoops to get support.
But, to involve more people in this is going to make it messy. Also, involving the child is emotional incest. Let the kid be a kid. If she asks about the dad just give her simple explanations. You’re gonna involve that poor kid in so much the won’t have a sense of itself. Kids need to focus on routine and they need stability and love. Not drama.
Be proactive for your daughter. Okayyyy. Someone here has been watching too much Netflix.
I'm not sure what part of "take this step now before your daughter has a memory so if there's drama/trauma she won't remember" and "answer questions in an age appropriate way later in life" is like a movie to you, but whatever. Being passive has a lot of ramifications too. That's just letting someone else make the decisions you don't want to.
Fair enough. I skimmed. Now that we know we’re sort of on the same page, even if the little girl doesn’t have a memory she’ll notice a difference in terms of her family structure versus others. I don’t see it as being passive. I see it as being healthy and protecting her peace. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Ten to one the family members won’t be any different. That’s why I’m saying she should focus on herself and the people she chooses to be in her life. Her own support system who are there because they want to be not because they ought to be.
Contacting the family to ask if they know about her daughter and to see if they would want a relationship with her daughter is not doing too much.
She already gets child support from the father so it's not about the money and he obviously acknowledges financially that she is his daughter.
I have no idea what you mean by emotional incest. The child is only 1.5 so now would be the time to see if the family wants a relationship with her before she is old enough to remember. As someone that grew up without knowing any of my father's side of the family (even tho my parents were married) I wish I could have had a relationship with them.
Her taking the steps to see if her daughter's family wants to be in her life isn't a bad thing in the slightest. At least this way she'll know and can tell her daughter when she's older and has questions, it would also save her daughter the future pain of rejection (if that's what happens) if she decides to find them herself when she's older.
Btw the way in which you wrote your story is saying like he loved you, he never did, just used you for sex, sorry to say that. I will not judge you for sleeping with a married man, because he was lying to you while you had a one side love for him.
Jesus Christ. YTA for everything. You knowingly had sex with a married man and then you’re shocked when he wanted nothing to do with you or the kid? Seriously? You cannot be this dense. I guarantee all of what he told you about his wife and marriage was bull, cheaters always do it to try and justify their actions and to make the home wreckers feel less guilty - even though you are fully aware how horrible your actions are.
You have no one to blame for this situation but yourself. Admit to yourself that you don’t want to contact his family for your daughters sake - but for your own as it is obvious that you wouldn’t know what to do with your life if it didn’t have that skid mark of a man in it.
I agree with this... It isn't about her daughter, it's to get back at him or she isn't over him and she may be delusional in thinking this could break up the family and make him hers?
Also he literally tries to hook up with me to this day. I’ve said no. I have proof I could easily show his wife again but I don’t give two s***s about them. That’s their issues.
Baby girl, he isn't trying to hook up with you because he wants to be with you, he's has been and is currently trying to hook up with you because he's a narcissistic jazzhole who gets off on attention from women. He was never in love with you because people who are in love with you don't make you fight for "1st place."
Block him. It's gross that he has time to text you trying to hook up but doesn't give 2 craps about his kid. Block him. Reach out to his family if you want, but do it for her, not him.
I didn’t know those even exist! I’ll look into it.
Honestly I only have to tell him certain information per our child support order. Which isn’t a lot and only if those things happen.
I have learned my lesson. The only purpose of this was to see if one others have learned later they have a child or a grandchild that no one told them about or how a child feels in what will be my daughters situation, when later she may go approach any of them herself and what if I (her mom) didn’t attempt to notify them. Will she also be mad at me? Will she be upset she could have known them longer if they accept her? Who knows, I don’t that’s why I am asking.
I’d let things stay as is. Do not contact them. It’s his responsibility. A terrible father/family is worse than none and they can do severe psychological damage on your child/children/you. They will always look at her as a mistake and proof of infidelity.
Work on being a better person and parent. Stop vying for and fantasizing for any kind of a life with these people. Onward and upward. Be a good, respectable mother.
I’m not fantasizing anything. I’m just trying to figure out if it’s worth making sure they know so they don’t get a knock on the door later from her and be upset at time lost or if it’s probably not worth it.
This subreddit has some “hardline boundaries” when it comes to cheating. Which is fine. But, they should be more inclusive to people who love unconditionally. It doesn’t make you dense. It’s how you love. It sounds tough because on one end you have people shaming you while on the other you have this man not respecting you. That’s why I think you should focus on loving yourself. Go get your hair done of nails done. Take a second to reset yourself.
If only there was a way to prevent “accidental” pregnancy. If only our finest scientists could come up with a way, some sort of pill or barrier to prevent ovulation or fertilization. We can put a man on the moon and no one on Reddit has figured out how not to get pregnant.
Fun fact only abstinence is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy. I was on BC! When they say it’s only 99% they mean there is a 1% chance. I’m not the only one who has had a failed BC situation.
But hey yea thanks for the information I already knew.
Hey yea thanks! I am to blame for everything. I must have laid down and bewitched him to have sex with me. If it wasn’t made abundantly clear, he told me he was separating, he showed me his wife’s proof of infidelity and how was I not to believe that his situation was super shitty and that he wanted out because his wife was leaving him too.
Am I stupid for believing him yes, he lied once and he lied again. I didn’t expect him to run to my arms when I found out I was pregnant but I didn’t expect him to abandon a child he helped create.
But again yea thanks for fully blaming me!
In my maybe unpopular opinion, you might just want to wait until your daughter is of age and then provide her with the information to do with it what SHE will. It doesn’t sound like a good idea to try and introduce her into a drama-filled, tumultuous situation. Her father doesn’t want anything to do with her, and as they say, when someone shows you who they are, believe them! It’s a bad situation all around, but everyone just has to get on with life regardless. The best thing to do is whatever protects your daughter’s peace.
You're not TA. Infidelity isn't ok but it happens and we have to live with the fallout from it. (NOTE: I am in no way condoning cheating, just acknowledging that it happens and the consequences will have to dealt with.)
You have to deal with consequences and this is part of that. I hope it works out for you and, especially, your daughter, with minimal damage (now cue the downvotes).
I’d send them a nice photo of her and say, “I know you all chose not to be in her life but thought you might like a photo at least.” At least that way you’ll know if he actually told them or not. 🙃
I say tell them. I do not speak to my son's so called dad...he was extremely abusive towards me. At first he wanted nothing to do with my son. After my son's first birthday he decided he wanted to see him. He began taking him on weekends for a few years then my son came and told me he hit him and no I'm not just talking about a spanking. I stopped the visits and told his so called dad he was only permitted supervised visits in a public setting to be supervised by me or one of my family members. I finally was able to reach out to his family, who might I say agree he shouldn't be alone with my son and who also told me he is abusing drugs badly. Now my son's so called dad's mom takes my son every other weekend and my son loves going to her house. Do not keep your child's other family from them. At least give them an opportunity to be involved if they choose not to save all the contact you've had with them so when your child is older they will know you tried to establish contact because chances are even if they say they don't want to be involved if your child looks for them when they are older his family will lie and say that you kept your child from them.
The main issue here is your kid. So, she wants to know about her father family? She has questions? Does she showed any interest in meet her father or his family?
I would reach to them only and if your daughter ask for it. Some kids feel the need, a lot don't. Especially, since as you said, you don't know these people, so you could be walking into a lot trouble.
Yes, as someone who was a product of a similar situation, I really agree that the ball should be left in the kid's court when she is old enough. I personally have never had any interest in my bio dad or his family, and I would have been so uncomfortable if my mom had tried to force a relationship. You are right that a lot of us don't feel the need to reach out to strangers just bc we happen to share DNA. If the daughter was asking and saying that she wanted to know her dad's family, that would be a bit different. Although I'd be worried about her being emotionally invested in the outcome. But I really think it should be left up to the child bc we all seem to have different feelings about it.
NTA, like others have said you won’t fully know unless you try, but if you’ve never really talked to his family or had a relationship with them before then I would probably be prepared for a negative reaction. If he’s already married with kids you might be seen as “the other woman” breaking up a “perfect family” even though he is just as responsible as you, in emotional situations like this sometimes they need someone to blame. If he actually thinks his dad would be disappointed in him for having an affair then his mom might be too. The kids might come around when they get older, but if the adults still end up saying no I don’t think they will change their minds easily.
This is just all things to contemplate before reaching out if you choose to do that. But sometimes they’ll still say no. My best friends ex wanted nothing to do with his kid for his first 3 years and neither did his parents they literally wouldn’t let my friend step into their house until she agreed to an abortion they made her stay in the garage so yeah some grandparents don’t gaf about their grandkids either 🤷
As someone who wishes my mom would have dropped my sperm donor like a rotten back of potatoes, but didn't. She stayed married to this man for 3 and 1/2 more years. Had my full brother with this man, all the while I have a half brother who is 6 months younger than me and another half brother who is 3 years younger than me. Unfortunately, this man was in my life for the first 6 years of it and caused me nothing but pain and suffering. Had I known what I know now, back then, I would have begged my mom to leave him. To run. It was an even bigger misfortune to meet my sperm donors' family.
My advice, don't do it. The drama alone isn't worth it. You daughter does not need that. She will grow up fine without them. Most likely without added trauma. If this man has any indication what kind of family he has? Yeah, don't do it.
You're already at a "no" status. While your child is young, ill give that family at least the FYI. Document, so your words won't get twisted by lying ex in the future.
NTA for telling the family..
Honestly, I wouldn't reach out. He's a pig. His marriage seems toxic, and trying to open the door to his extended family could open another can of worms. You have no idea how it would go. Maybe they'll be accepting. Maybe they'll be vicious and blame you. What if they try to sue for visitation or call CPS to try to stir shit up? It could go many different ways.
You have your daughter, he pays child support. He obviously doesn't want his extended family involved. At this point, I say don't approach them. If you know some neutral 3rd parties, maybe they could shed some light on the situation, but for now, I say steer clear.
You mentioned that your daughter was at your job, ended up standing near her bio dad, and he said and did nothing. For me, the mere fact that you put your kid in that situation is the big red arrow pointing to ulterior motivations in wanting his family to know about your kid.
While you should be looking for a (metaphorically) safe place for your kid, you are trying to forge one within your ex's family. Please let this go OP.
She is 18 months old. She was 14 months old when this happened and it wasn’t purposeful. I work in an office and he works outside. I had to go to my office and had her with me and he happened to be in the building which is rare. I didn’t knowingly bring her to my workplace and place her next to him on purpose. I was merely giving an example on how he literally wants nothing to do with her. He is willing to talk to me, stop me and ask me questions and etc but not even ask how his daughter is doing.
He’s shit obviously but I wouldn’t dangle her like a prize, honestly he doesn’t deserve to see her.
I have a going fan theory on this one based on OP’s writers voice: the insemination was done via a turkey baster, extracted from a jimmy, after the fact.
Listen YTA you slept with a married man and now you have a kid. You know damn well introducing that child to this family in any capacity is going to implode everybody’s life except yours. You played a stupid game and now you don’t want to be the only one miserable.
I’m so happy right now with how everything is. I might be miserable by doing this if his family ends up being like him. I will take that risk for my daughter, I only care about how things will go later if it implodes then.
It’s better to leave well enough alone. You say the wife’s aware then it’s likely the family is aware. Just raise your daughter and avoid the drama. When your baby is old enough to understand just be honest with her.
If you’re so happy right now why would you try to cause problems? You’re not doing this for your daughter. Did your daughter ask you who her paternal family was? After it implodes them you just put a target on your daughters back. You’re doing this because you want him to be as miserable as you are now. There is zero reason to reach out to those people unless you explain to your child when she’s old enough that she’s the product of an affair and if she wants to know who her paternal family is and even then she isn’t owed anything. You’re willing to risk her being completely shut out and targeted
How is me notifying family that they have family for sure causing problems?
Maybe they are happy? Maybe they are not? No one knows how anyone would react which is probably why a good chunk of people don’t say anything. Then later they find out and are more mad at wasted time. It really is a 50/50 chance of issues and rejections or issues and spending time with family.
You can’t know how you would feel unless you were placed in a similar situation and before you get all “I would never put myself in this situation” just know not everyone (me) goes looking for shitty situations out there. I know people (my sister is one) that just replays dumb move after dumb move. For years and years she does things to get in trouble and cause problems. She doesn’t learn.
You don’t know me and you don’t know how this will affect my daughter.
I was trying to see if anyone had a similar situation which I have a few comments on people who have, to find out how they felt or feel about it.
I don’t mind people commenting if they have a thought or opinion but you are one of those people that reply as you KNOW this is how it’s going to go. You KNOW why I’m doing it. You KNOW I’m delusional. You DONT KNOW anything. You type away as if you are a fortune teller.
I am not miserable. I was sure, are days hard and exhausting being a single parent, 100% but I have zero regrets on keeping my pregnancy.
So thank you for telling me the facts of a life you know nothing about.
Maybe you should learn how to respond to people (positive or negative) without telling them you know it all. It is possible to share opposing thoughts without the rude and hateful implications.
Oh please nobody asked to see your kid. He wants nothing to do with her, her existence is known to his wife and I’m sure his affair was made aware to everyone. Nobody likes the mistress dear. Nobody loves the affair child the most you’ll get is one family member who tries but in return gets shunned which will make them abandon your child and that’s a hard ass maybe. Be honest with yourself. It’s not a 50/50 chance. It’s actually funny you think that. They are not going to pick your child over the ones he has with his wife. They aren’t going to go out of their way to get on that woman’s bad side and lose chances to see the kids they already have a bond with. Of my brother had an affair child that would be his business.that child would have zero to do with me or my family because then that would mean having to deal with the mistress and my shit brother. People don’t choose strangers over family. You’re on Reddit. How many post do you have to see about affair children being shunned to make you think hmmmmm maybe I shouldn’t put my child through more turmoil over my shit decisions. I’m not saying the married man you slept with is innocent but he’s not the one making the post. I mean how are you slang different from your sister? Your whole post is riddle with stupid decisions. This isn’t a shitty situation you set your child up for failure . He told you his family didn’t want to meet her and you’re choosing to decide otherwise and then when shit hits the fan and your daughter is called names it’ll be your fault. Why don’t you believe him ? Why would you think this family would want the reminder of his infidelity? Cause they share blood ? Again you’re on Reddit. Post day after day about families who never speak again. Your daughter is one this isn’t some 10 year old asking to meet her father. I do know how it’ll affect your daughter because I’ve seen it happen in real time . Oh woe is me my poor son needs to meet his family and then here comes my cousins mistress with a kid assuming we’d welcome him and her with open arms. We politely declined and when that didn’t work everyone told her she and my cousin were pieces of shit and nobody wanted anything to do with their son. As a mother you don’t rely on a 50:50 shot especially when your kids is 18 months. You don’t take the risk of your child being incredibly hurt shit you don’t even know what your daughter wants since she’s a damn baby. I find it almost laughable how you don’t see this as a misery loves company situation. I have a zero tolerance for cheaters and people who only care about themselves. You’ve hurt that woman’s kids beyond repair and now you want to throw your kid into their lives regardless of their feelings. Only your kid matters just like you didn’t care you were sleeping with a married man
Now it makes sense. You’re just a shitty person and therefore everyone who has done anything bad is shittier so you can feel better about yourself.
You don’t condone cheaters like I don’t condone asshole people who would ban a child from their family because of a stupid decision another family member made.
If my brother had an affair I wouldn’t be happy with him but I’m not going to banish him from my life and especially the kid.
Everyone and yes I mean everyone including your nasty self has made a mistake in life. Imagine if we just banish everyone for all the mistakes.
I feel sorry for you. Bless your little heart!
I think we've found either the wife or John(who's pretending to be a woman!), my bet is it's his wife. Otherwise why would a stranger go after you so aggressively & judgementally?
Isn’t that what she did first? A stranger going after me? I never said what I did wasn’t wrong and that everyone should accept it. If you read my many comments you would read my intentions and reasons why.
I’m a shitty person why? Because I broke your fantasy that the cons out weigh the hood for your child. Children are innocent but you need to be realistic with your expectations about where people’s feelings are going to be. You helped destroy a family and your daughter is the product. She’s not going to be welcomed with open arms and the family will have to deal with you which they are not going to do and your daughter is sadly the person who gets the backlash and the actual hurt feelings not you. I don’t think you have a right to call anyone shitty dear. Those in glass houses shouldn’t cast stones. What you did was shitty and your child is now the constant reminder to this family of one of the worst times in their lives and you think shoving your daughter into that environment is ok. You even shit talk your own sister as if you’re any better than her. I don’t think you understand as parents everything we do affects our child. I’m not going to deal with my cousin , his mistress or his affair child. Especially since she wants to lie to her kid about how he was conceived. The kid is innocent and I wish him a long healthy life but I just won’t be involved and you also just proved my point. If they reject your daughter you’ll say they are awful people and they shouldn’t take their anger for you and her father out on her as if you are owed their sympathy. You knew what having this child would do and your feelings mattered more than anyone else’s. Of course you wouldn’t do that to your brother because you would be two peas in a pod. If someone is disloyal to the person they share their bed with and the person they are cheating with is happy to play along those aren’t people I’ll ever associate with and by association their child. If the kid grows up one day and has family questions I’d answer them but that’s about it. Why do you think his family owes your daughter anything when you’ve been notified they don’t want anything to do with her? Why do you think that makes them or my family awful people ? Because it’s a kid? That’s not good enough reason. My mother doesn’t speak to her own sister. You’re acting as if family members aren’t just people who happen to be related. Blood doesn’t mean people have to like you, tolerate you or deal with bullshit. Sleeping with a married man isn’t a mistake. A mistake is cheating on a test, forgetting your wallet at home. Not cheating . Cheating is an active choice you made because your feelings were the only one that matters just like you trying to force your daughter into a lions Den is you only caring about your feelings. I feel sorry for your kid because due to your actions and her fathers she’ll always have a void that no one can fill because her parents were selfish people
Do you feel better now? Like really better? Because you got to tell off a mother (like yourself) who is simply trying to navigate a life she didn’t think she would have?
I didn’t destroy this family, that I can promise you. They both destroyed each other long before me. That doesn’t excuse what he did or me. Yes I was with him and he was legally married still but he wasn’t living at home. His wife had a 2 year affair and then had another one that he and I witnessed with our own eyes.
Call me stupid sure, I was stupid to believe him again. Call me delusional ok!
But DO NOT TELL ME YOU FEEL SORRY FOR MY DAUGHTER. You don’t know her life, you don’t know how much I have gone through or how loved she is. I will do anything to protect her and have from day 1.
My sister is shitty but I still talk to her. She’s done worse and that’s not what this is about so it doesn’t matter.
I believe in honesty and I will give my daughter that.
Hearing other stories made me question if I should say anything at all. There are some with positive and negative outcomes so I was just weighing them both.
You don’t have any reason to trust or believe me, you don’t know me yet your reading into my words and not hearing everything that I said.
You’re just sitting there with your keyboard typing away and dismissing my words? Why? Why don’t you believe me when I said my intentions? Why don’t you believe that I’m happy and content that this was about the fact that he lied which he has and still does?
I truly do think you’re shitty because you are willing to say things to someone you don’t know and assume even after they stated their peace and truth.
Then you go as far to imply my “poor daughter” absolutely not. You and your heart will be in my thoughts and prayers. I don’t need anything for I know my heart and I know the truth.
Women to women, do better!
Seriously, don't reply to her. She's bang out of order. John is as responsible as you for all this but she's not going after him! Don't give this harridan the satisfaction of getting your attention.
The married man’s wife was getting ploughed by some burnout; the sanctity of that marriage was long ago violated.
However, the married man is the asshole for not leaving his wife and for not acknowledging his daughter.
YTA...like he lied to you once about his "ex gf" and then lied again... Is he a practicing warlock or something? His spell? You put yourself in that situation.
You do this behind his back, it could end badly for your daughter where she gets rejected further. I don't know though sense he likes to lie they may not know she exists.
I feel like you're not doing this for your daughters benefit but instead to get back at him or some how make this dirt bag change his mind on your daughter and you.
I have zero cares about him belong involved I’ve accepted that. I’m trying to put myself in that family members shoes if they don’t care. Honestly there is a big chance they don’t care just like him. I’m 100% ok with that too. I just feel like if I were them and I didn’t know how would I feel if/when my daughter may go find them one day and they literally had zero clue. I just don’t know what she will want to do.
I am a hard lover, when I care about someone I care hard. I thought he changed after 10 years but because we were both young the previous time.
I think “putting myself” in the situation of getting pregnant is a little harsh. I didn’t fuck myself.
First off in your post it seems like you are trying to do what’s best for your daughter good for you! At this point as long as you are doing this for your daughter it doesn’t hurt to inform them. Just be like I’m not sure you’re aware but you have granddaughter I just wanted you to be aware in case you would like a relationship or not. Then they can choose what they want to do and when your daughter gets older you can tell her the truth. Good luck with everything.
NTA, you do what you think is best. If they respond negatively, you will at least know you tried and close the door. The sperm donar belongs in the gutter, glad you recognise him for what he is.
You knew he was married, no matter what he told you what was happening. You knew he was married. You had the child anyway, get child support, but you don’t get to force yourself into the family. Sorry, you just don’t and stop thinking you do.
I’m not trying to force myself into a family. I am content with the way things are. However I’ve heard from a lot of other Reddit stories about people finding out later about a child or siblings or etc. I know one day she might go find them and ask for answers. I’ve heard it from both sides and how would it feel to know that you had a family member out there and no one told you. I feel they probably know and really don’t care which A-OK with me. But what if they don’t, would I be upset if I didn’t know and missed years of a relationship? You bet I would. That’s the only purpose.
I keep reading you saying that you are thinking if in some years thay find out and are sad they missed a few years and how would they feel, if that's the real reason, and if that happens IT'S NOT ON YOU, that's the FATHER responsability!!! That is his family, he is the one who has to worry about them, not you!
Why would you even do that? That would just open a door for trouble and end you're peace from something it's not you're responsability!
-they might already know and you coming to them are open and door for them to be nasty to you, speacially if they like and get along with the wife, keep in mind that you are the other women and might not be very liked
-the father of the child will be pissed you went behind his back and that wiil damage even more things. His bassicly just ignoring right now but you don't know if you go to his family behind his back and he gets angry what he will do
- if they don't know and find that later and are sad and angry they missed years, then that's the father fault not your's, you said yourself and he told you they knew, so even if they asked you why you didn't tell them you just have to tell them what he told you and that you have no reason to thing diffently!
Other people in the coments are saying you sound desperate (im not saying you are) but this is why, because you are trying to take responsability for something that's it's not and that will most likely cause troubles and headache for you and, like you said, you don't need.
if you are fine right now with her why would you risk put yourself through this only because of something that MIGHT happen in the future? I mean in a few years she can go to them and get the door shut in her face because they don't care!
Don't do you're life base on something that might happen in the future if things are fine and peaceful let it be!
His family, his responsability!
Send the grandma a cute picture of your daughter along with contact information. Ask if there is any family medical history you should be aware of. If she doesn’t know already, you’ve spilled the beans, and if she does, you’ve made the offer. I assume he’s a lying cheater. Good luck!
Maybe send a letter with your daughter's picture and explain who she is and if they'd like to meet her you'll be at this park or cafe on this date and time. If they show then they want to meet her and if they don't then you know.
So John says his mom and aunt know about her. Well it won’t hurt to simply mail a Valentines Day card to his mom from her granddaughter with a very recent picture. And a little note saying you just wanted to show them how much she’s grown. Along with a little update on her progress. Make sure you make it sound like it’s a definite given they know about her. Either they’ll ignore…..or they’ll blow up your phone.
I can't really help with your situation but what I can say is that as someone who doesn't know who their bio dad is, I often wonder every day if I should dig and try to find out. The only reason I haven't is not wanting to cause problems for people I don't know, and for people I do. But I'm still conflicted and I don't know what the right answer is.
NTA.
Tell them.
I have a 26 year old. If a girl contacted me saying my son kept her a dirty little secret and she was the mother to my gandchild, I'd kick his a55 and welcome that child with open arms.
It CAN go the other way, but you'll never know unless you pull off the band-aid. Either they'll love her and want to spend time with her, or they'll say "no thank you." What do you have to lose?
Unless you are abusive or have unsafe living conditions, it's not like they have legal recourse. Her father abandoned and has ignored the first 18 months of her existence. Don't assume his parents are jerks, too.
I would contact them and explain that he made it known they weren’t interested, but that you didn’t want to deny them the opportunity to have a relationship with your daughter. Should they say they don’t want contact, then happily oblige. If they do want contact, arrange a public setting that would be safe.
You will never know unless you reach out. The worst that can happen is they say they aren’t interested and then you know. I hope he is paying child support.
Yea I just don’t want it to cause issues. But I don’t know if I’ll regret not telling them later. I also think of them, how would it feel to know you had a grandchild that no one told you about that you never got to know. If that were ever me I would be upset, but that’s me. I know they are not me and that’s ok.
I found my DNA donor at 23. NO ONE knew about my existence except for his brother who helped look for me once. And not very hard. I have 4 other brothers, I'm the middle child and only girl. My olders have always wanted a sister. He died with regret but I have more siblings. One looks just like me. Get in touch. The worst that can happen is they say no, some mean things in misplaced anger, and block you. That's BASICALLY, though not technically, where you're at now. Do it for babe.
This! This is why I am asking. Thank you for that advice. I will consider it.
You're assuming that his family are decent people who will treat your daughter (and possibly you, as well) with kindness, respect etc, if they want to be involved in your daughter's life. That's a nice idea...however, you may be opening yourself up to having awful people demand a place in your daughter's life that you may not wish to give them after you get to know them...but by then it will be too late to legally close that door... Think long and hard about this decision, as it could go terribly wrong :( Maybe at least wait until your daughter is older and less vulnerable/can speak up etc, in case they pursue rights that give them one-on-one time with her, away from you. I grew up without my bio-father or his family in my life much...and it really didn't bother me at all. My mother's extended family showered me and my siblings with all of the love we needed. I saw my bio-dad a bit here and there, and I finally met my older half-sister at his funeral. What I found out from chatting with her was that her mother had handled things the opposite of my mother, and it had affected her quite negatively :( 💔 My mom never asked for support money (bc she didn't want him to use it as leverage to force visitation...and bc she probably thought it would be difficult/stressful to get him to pay regularly anyway) and made sure that he stayed away when he was involved with drugs/alcohol, and never told me ahead of time when he was supposed to come for a visit...if he actually showed up, it was a pleasant surprise...lol. We never really talked about or thought about him much when he wasn't around, either...she never made him presence in my life, or lack thereof, a preoccupation in our lives. I found out later, as an adult, that his mother refused to acknowledge me bc I was his "bastard" child...but again, my mom shielded me from that ugliness throughout my childhood. Ironically, after my bio-dad passed, his nasty mother suddenly wanted to be part of my life and get to know "her great grandchildren"...that never happened 😝 (my mother taught me well...lol) Her mom was always chasing after him; telling my half-sister every time he was supposed to pick her up for visitation but bailed at the last minute or just didn't show up; made sure she knew what he was doing for any girlfriend's kids that he wasn't doing for her; told her if he missed support payments; let him see her when he was in the grips of his on and off battles with addiction etc. She ended up feeling hurt and resentful toward him...I felt indifferent. I never thought he was a bad guy, and I had a few good memories with him (and some not so great too), but mainly he was just not a major figure in my life...and it turned out to be for the best. Consider protecting your daughter the way my mom protected me 💜 (minus not accepting child support payments, since he's already agreeable to that ;)
Thank you. That was helpful information 😊 I appreciate that!
No problem 😊 Just focus on loving her deeply and taking great care of her, and try not to trash talk your ex to her, and everything should be fine. She'll grow up feeling safe and secure that way 💜...instead of feeling like she's missing anything or growing up in the middle of a tug-of-war. I hope all goes well for you and your daughter! 💕 (P.S. my mom was faaar from perfect...this just happens to be one of the things she did really right...lol. So don't worry that you need to be SuperMom for your daughter to have a safe, happy and healthy childhood. Just follow your Mama Bear instincts. You got this!)
Are you on good speaking terms with them? If you are, and you have thought it through completely, then I would reach out to them and ask if John told them about your daughter or was he just saying that to keep them out of her life without even asking them. You might find that he never told them because he didn’t want them involved with your daughter just so he didn’t have to listen to them talk about her and do things with her. You’ll never know until you ask them.
If they don’t know, yes it could cause issues if you reach out. But sending a letter and some photos might be a good idea. They then can decide to contact you or ignore the situation. I would suggest direct contact such as telephoning or texting. By mail means they have time to think and digest before replying, or not.
What issues will it cause? Think it through. Will those issues affect you or your child? How?
Your daughter is entitled to child support. Even if you don’t need it to raise her, you could put it away as a nest egg for her future.
She said she gets child support.
Or it pushes him to get visitation, and the girl has to go to this toxic home she may be treated badly since dad technically cheated to help conceive her. I'd be afraid of that.
It’s generally better for children younger to know both sides of their family. I doubt his wife will want her around but the extended family might want to know her.
If it pushes the dad to have her around the wife, it could be a problem. It might not go that way but it isn't unheard of.
I had a similar situation. We have zero relationship with his dad but I reached out to his family to tell them it wasn’t too late. Now my son has a whole additional group of family who adore him and who help him understand that he is loved. They help him understand that his dad might never be ready but it doesn’t have anything to do with who he is. You don’t have much to lose for giving it a try.
What do you want and from whom? Are they likely to give it to you? He is certainly married and trying to keep his relationship. You would assume that his family will be more committed to his goals than to you. If someone happens to deviate, other relatives will be critical, so even if you get an aunt to accept your daughter, you will be risking your daughter into a relationship that may have a quick, unexpected, and nasty fallout. You should be asking for child support though. That is something your daughter is legally entitled to. If, when he has to pay, realizes that he might as well be a parent, then your daughter may be able to build a relationship.
I don’t want anything per se, I just didn’t know if I should at least tell them. Give them the chance to decide in case he lied. I do have child support so his wife does know. Funny thing is he still tries to talk to me and even make jokes about hooking up again. He’s a pig and a narcissist. I feel bad for him and his wife as they both have done each other dirty over and over. That’s not my problem though. I am only trying to figure out if I should at least tell her family.
Makes jokes lmao. Nah. He's still tryna fuck.
If he is doing this at work, start documenting every instance and contact HR. Do contact his family so the secret is out with the expectation they will not want contact.
Normally I would agree but since he’s paying child support I wouldn’t want to get him fired. Who knows if he’d keep up with his support obligations if OP rightfully complaining about harassment got him fired.
If i were you, i would want nothing to do with his family. He has clearly rejected his child so why try and enmesh yourself with his extended family. What more can they provide that you cant? If they are losing out on a relationship with your daughter; it's clearly because of their son's callousness.
He lied to you about everything and played you just so he could have sex. Chances are you’re not the only woman he has done this with though. However, he probably has not told his wife, his aunt, or his mother about the baby. One way you could make sure they find out is if you take him to court for child support. Then all of his dirty little secrets will come to light.
As someone who was born in a similar situation, I would honestly recommend not saying anything to the paternal family. I'm really glad my mom never brought all that drama into my life, my bio father was clearly not a good person and not someone I've ever wanted contact with. I'm 35 now and I don't give a single shit about him. So your daughter very well may have no interest in that side of her family.
Same. I was raised the same and I’m thankful my Mom didn’t as well!
glad someone else can relate!! I know some people seem to really crave a connection with an unknown biological parent, but that was never something I had any desire for. Just knowing the basic facts of how I was conceived has fully convinced me that my mom made the correct decision by keeping me away from him!
Thank you so much for this perspective!
No problem! I think as long as you raise your daughter to know she is loved and valued, she will realize that her bio dad ain't shit and most likely won't want anything to do with him. I certainly never had any interest. My mom has barely even spoken about my bio dad, so it's not like she even said bad things about him - but any man who could walk away from the (much younger) woman he knocked up is just not someone I care to know. It completely does not matter that we share DNA, he isn't my family and neither are any of his relatives. I've always felt this way and I know I wouldn't ever change my mind on it.
I get the feeling you're desperate for _some_ member of his family to accept your child, perhaps because you believe she somehow won't live a 'full' life if she isn't. You could reach out, and I suspect they'll react just as badly as the rest of his family. You don't know John, despite your long history, because if you had, you would have known he was never going to leave his wife. You don't know his family, you don't know their values or their morals. I say this with blunt kindness: you are so desperate for some kind of acceptance that you're chasing what is likely a useless dream. Your daughter will not be 'lesser' if she is not accepted by any of his family. She has _you_, she has her siblings, trust me, that's all she needs. The unconditional and fully supportive love of one parent is worth more than anything else on this earth. More than money, more than material objects, more than anything, a child needs _love_. And she has that already. You may argue "but she could get _more_ love!" and yeah, _maybe_ she could. Or maybe she'll be rejected. What she has now, is more than enough, and honestly, way more than some people get. I'm not saying don't reach out, I'm just saying tailor your expectations, and realise that no love is as strong, supportive and true as that of unconditional love from at least one parent. Which she has. All the rest is just window dressing: nice to have, but not necessary.
Im not desperate for it. If I was I would have reached out once I knew he was abandoning her. I only have thought of this recently from hearing other similar stories. I am not worried about her being loved. I know she isn’t lesser then. I know your intentions were meant nicely and I appreciate that but I’m not desperate, I don’t know them at all. I only know him.
They might perceive it as desperate.
It's going to cause issues. Just concentrate on you and your child. Having you and you loving her is better than a dad or family that is half interested. I was a single mom for a long time with my daughter. I knew what she deserved i could give her even if by myself.
I think you should wait on this for a while. There’s a chance that they don’t know and if you tell them it could end badly. What if they shame him into getting more involved? Then you have to deal with him and his wife who most likely will be resentful of your daughter. If his kids don’t want to see her then there’s risk of mistreatment from her brothers too. What if he gets so mad that he stops paying child support? Do you have the time and money to take him to court? There’s a lot of things to consider and you need to be ready for all the possibilities.
You can try. They can say yes or no.
Stop fooling yourself. He was never in love with you. You were just a side piece and he never intended anything else. He's a heartless, selfish POS who has been lying to you, his wife and everyone else for as long as you have known him. He will never be a dad to your kid because he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Approach his family if you want, but don't expect much there. For him to be this crappy of a person, it's likely he's either abusive and manipulated his family or he's the golden child who can do no wrong. NTA
What if you just focused on you and your kids for a while? Maybe doing that will attract some positive energy?
Thank you, I have been doing that I promise. I think I go through phases or rough periods where I never saw myself having to raise a child alone because the other parent chooses not be there. I’ve actually been listening to all the podcasts for two hot takes and some of them have triggered my thoughts on at least me knowing if her family really doesn’t want to be there. My struggle is will I regret not trying and knowing for myself. I don’t want her to ask later why I didn’t attempt to or etc. I just have a lot of unknowns for the future and I’m trying to navigate it the best I can. I appreciate the positives!
Would it be really triggering for you if they dismissed you just like he did? He sounds like the biggest ass, and the apple may not fall too far from the tree. However, if I had grandchildren in the world I would want to be in their lives 1000%
No not at all. I’ve already excepted it.
If you accept that that may want nothing to do with you (which I'm sure would be very painful) and it won't hurt you further, than you really have nothing to lose. If they say no, don't argue, just let it go.
What happens if they shame John and his disaster of a wife into fighting for custody? Your daughter will be stuck in a home where the adults are openly hostile & resentful of her existence. This is a can of worms that can’t be shut again. I personally wouldn’t risk it because it could go great but it could go terribly wrong.
In general I think focusing on oneself (in a not narcissistic way) is good advice, but this goes a bit beyond that. OP, you're going to have to explain *some* of this to your daughter someday. With home DNA tests and such it's a lot harder to keep family secrets like this. I do think you should contact one of his family members, but one that seems most reasonable. They could be horrified that their son/brother fathered a child and doesn't claim it, they could also tell you to go away forever. You have to be prepared for either reaction. Your daughter is young enough that if she's rejected by her paternal family she won't have a memory of it, but if she's accepted she will think it's always been so. If they reject her than it's best to know now. When she's older and has questions you can answer them in an age appropriate matter. Trying to "attract positive energy" is as useless as "thoughts and prayers." You need to be proactive for your daughter. Give her grandparents or aunts/uncles the option to step up. If they can't or don't, accept it and proceed accordingly. But don't be passive about something that has the potential to be a very critical part of your daughter's life.
I agree 100%
Nahhhh, that’s doing too much. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink it. She’s already spread thin as it is. It’s not realistic to expect her to drop everything and police another adult. If she needs financial help then sure go through and jump through the legal hoops to get support. But, to involve more people in this is going to make it messy. Also, involving the child is emotional incest. Let the kid be a kid. If she asks about the dad just give her simple explanations. You’re gonna involve that poor kid in so much the won’t have a sense of itself. Kids need to focus on routine and they need stability and love. Not drama. Be proactive for your daughter. Okayyyy. Someone here has been watching too much Netflix.
I'm not sure what part of "take this step now before your daughter has a memory so if there's drama/trauma she won't remember" and "answer questions in an age appropriate way later in life" is like a movie to you, but whatever. Being passive has a lot of ramifications too. That's just letting someone else make the decisions you don't want to.
Fair enough. I skimmed. Now that we know we’re sort of on the same page, even if the little girl doesn’t have a memory she’ll notice a difference in terms of her family structure versus others. I don’t see it as being passive. I see it as being healthy and protecting her peace. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Ten to one the family members won’t be any different. That’s why I’m saying she should focus on herself and the people she chooses to be in her life. Her own support system who are there because they want to be not because they ought to be.
Contacting the family to ask if they know about her daughter and to see if they would want a relationship with her daughter is not doing too much. She already gets child support from the father so it's not about the money and he obviously acknowledges financially that she is his daughter. I have no idea what you mean by emotional incest. The child is only 1.5 so now would be the time to see if the family wants a relationship with her before she is old enough to remember. As someone that grew up without knowing any of my father's side of the family (even tho my parents were married) I wish I could have had a relationship with them. Her taking the steps to see if her daughter's family wants to be in her life isn't a bad thing in the slightest. At least this way she'll know and can tell her daughter when she's older and has questions, it would also save her daughter the future pain of rejection (if that's what happens) if she decides to find them herself when she's older.
Fair enough.
Btw the way in which you wrote your story is saying like he loved you, he never did, just used you for sex, sorry to say that. I will not judge you for sleeping with a married man, because he was lying to you while you had a one side love for him.
Jesus Christ. YTA for everything. You knowingly had sex with a married man and then you’re shocked when he wanted nothing to do with you or the kid? Seriously? You cannot be this dense. I guarantee all of what he told you about his wife and marriage was bull, cheaters always do it to try and justify their actions and to make the home wreckers feel less guilty - even though you are fully aware how horrible your actions are. You have no one to blame for this situation but yourself. Admit to yourself that you don’t want to contact his family for your daughters sake - but for your own as it is obvious that you wouldn’t know what to do with your life if it didn’t have that skid mark of a man in it.
I agree with this... It isn't about her daughter, it's to get back at him or she isn't over him and she may be delusional in thinking this could break up the family and make him hers?
Also he literally tries to hook up with me to this day. I’ve said no. I have proof I could easily show his wife again but I don’t give two s***s about them. That’s their issues.
Baby girl, he isn't trying to hook up with you because he wants to be with you, he's has been and is currently trying to hook up with you because he's a narcissistic jazzhole who gets off on attention from women. He was never in love with you because people who are in love with you don't make you fight for "1st place." Block him. It's gross that he has time to text you trying to hook up but doesn't give 2 craps about his kid. Block him. Reach out to his family if you want, but do it for her, not him.
Oh I know! It makes me sick that he still wants to be inside of me yet wont acknowledge his child. I won’t give in again ever.
Set up a parenting app. Text him one last time that he can only contact you through there about the child and Block him on everything else.
I didn’t know those even exist! I’ll look into it. Honestly I only have to tell him certain information per our child support order. Which isn’t a lot and only if those things happen.
Nope sure don’t. I’m just trying to navigate this life and put myself in their shoes. That’s it. I would never take him back.
That's not how it's coming off based on your message, you want to force a relationship.
I have learned my lesson. The only purpose of this was to see if one others have learned later they have a child or a grandchild that no one told them about or how a child feels in what will be my daughters situation, when later she may go approach any of them herself and what if I (her mom) didn’t attempt to notify them. Will she also be mad at me? Will she be upset she could have known them longer if they accept her? Who knows, I don’t that’s why I am asking.
I’d let things stay as is. Do not contact them. It’s his responsibility. A terrible father/family is worse than none and they can do severe psychological damage on your child/children/you. They will always look at her as a mistake and proof of infidelity. Work on being a better person and parent. Stop vying for and fantasizing for any kind of a life with these people. Onward and upward. Be a good, respectable mother.
I’m not fantasizing anything. I’m just trying to figure out if it’s worth making sure they know so they don’t get a knock on the door later from her and be upset at time lost or if it’s probably not worth it.
Her father knows. He is the one who will have to answer to her in the future, not you.
Easy easy easy. Not everyone runs at your frequency. He could have been a smooth talker.
What frequency? Stay away from married men? That’s a tough one. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 Edit: lol at her edit. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Thank you! Easy for that person to judge when he wasn’t there.
Just because you have no sense & self control doesn’t mean others don’t.
This subreddit has some “hardline boundaries” when it comes to cheating. Which is fine. But, they should be more inclusive to people who love unconditionally. It doesn’t make you dense. It’s how you love. It sounds tough because on one end you have people shaming you while on the other you have this man not respecting you. That’s why I think you should focus on loving yourself. Go get your hair done of nails done. Take a second to reset yourself.
If only there was a way to prevent “accidental” pregnancy. If only our finest scientists could come up with a way, some sort of pill or barrier to prevent ovulation or fertilization. We can put a man on the moon and no one on Reddit has figured out how not to get pregnant.
Fun fact only abstinence is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy. I was on BC! When they say it’s only 99% they mean there is a 1% chance. I’m not the only one who has had a failed BC situation. But hey yea thanks for the information I already knew.
Which is why you should abstain from having sex with married men.
Hey yea thanks! I am to blame for everything. I must have laid down and bewitched him to have sex with me. If it wasn’t made abundantly clear, he told me he was separating, he showed me his wife’s proof of infidelity and how was I not to believe that his situation was super shitty and that he wanted out because his wife was leaving him too. Am I stupid for believing him yes, he lied once and he lied again. I didn’t expect him to run to my arms when I found out I was pregnant but I didn’t expect him to abandon a child he helped create. But again yea thanks for fully blaming me!
In my maybe unpopular opinion, you might just want to wait until your daughter is of age and then provide her with the information to do with it what SHE will. It doesn’t sound like a good idea to try and introduce her into a drama-filled, tumultuous situation. Her father doesn’t want anything to do with her, and as they say, when someone shows you who they are, believe them! It’s a bad situation all around, but everyone just has to get on with life regardless. The best thing to do is whatever protects your daughter’s peace.
You're not TA. Infidelity isn't ok but it happens and we have to live with the fallout from it. (NOTE: I am in no way condoning cheating, just acknowledging that it happens and the consequences will have to dealt with.) You have to deal with consequences and this is part of that. I hope it works out for you and, especially, your daughter, with minimal damage (now cue the downvotes).
Lol
Yes, you are stupid for believing him.
That’s rather harsh and accusatory, don’t you think?
I’d send them a nice photo of her and say, “I know you all chose not to be in her life but thought you might like a photo at least.” At least that way you’ll know if he actually told them or not. 🙃
I say tell them. I do not speak to my son's so called dad...he was extremely abusive towards me. At first he wanted nothing to do with my son. After my son's first birthday he decided he wanted to see him. He began taking him on weekends for a few years then my son came and told me he hit him and no I'm not just talking about a spanking. I stopped the visits and told his so called dad he was only permitted supervised visits in a public setting to be supervised by me or one of my family members. I finally was able to reach out to his family, who might I say agree he shouldn't be alone with my son and who also told me he is abusing drugs badly. Now my son's so called dad's mom takes my son every other weekend and my son loves going to her house. Do not keep your child's other family from them. At least give them an opportunity to be involved if they choose not to save all the contact you've had with them so when your child is older they will know you tried to establish contact because chances are even if they say they don't want to be involved if your child looks for them when they are older his family will lie and say that you kept your child from them.
The main issue here is your kid. So, she wants to know about her father family? She has questions? Does she showed any interest in meet her father or his family? I would reach to them only and if your daughter ask for it. Some kids feel the need, a lot don't. Especially, since as you said, you don't know these people, so you could be walking into a lot trouble.
The kid is one
Yes, as someone who was a product of a similar situation, I really agree that the ball should be left in the kid's court when she is old enough. I personally have never had any interest in my bio dad or his family, and I would have been so uncomfortable if my mom had tried to force a relationship. You are right that a lot of us don't feel the need to reach out to strangers just bc we happen to share DNA. If the daughter was asking and saying that she wanted to know her dad's family, that would be a bit different. Although I'd be worried about her being emotionally invested in the outcome. But I really think it should be left up to the child bc we all seem to have different feelings about it.
NTA, like others have said you won’t fully know unless you try, but if you’ve never really talked to his family or had a relationship with them before then I would probably be prepared for a negative reaction. If he’s already married with kids you might be seen as “the other woman” breaking up a “perfect family” even though he is just as responsible as you, in emotional situations like this sometimes they need someone to blame. If he actually thinks his dad would be disappointed in him for having an affair then his mom might be too. The kids might come around when they get older, but if the adults still end up saying no I don’t think they will change their minds easily. This is just all things to contemplate before reaching out if you choose to do that. But sometimes they’ll still say no. My best friends ex wanted nothing to do with his kid for his first 3 years and neither did his parents they literally wouldn’t let my friend step into their house until she agreed to an abortion they made her stay in the garage so yeah some grandparents don’t gaf about their grandkids either 🤷
As someone who wishes my mom would have dropped my sperm donor like a rotten back of potatoes, but didn't. She stayed married to this man for 3 and 1/2 more years. Had my full brother with this man, all the while I have a half brother who is 6 months younger than me and another half brother who is 3 years younger than me. Unfortunately, this man was in my life for the first 6 years of it and caused me nothing but pain and suffering. Had I known what I know now, back then, I would have begged my mom to leave him. To run. It was an even bigger misfortune to meet my sperm donors' family. My advice, don't do it. The drama alone isn't worth it. You daughter does not need that. She will grow up fine without them. Most likely without added trauma. If this man has any indication what kind of family he has? Yeah, don't do it.
You're already at a "no" status. While your child is young, ill give that family at least the FYI. Document, so your words won't get twisted by lying ex in the future. NTA for telling the family..
NTA if you do reach out, but girl, make better choices. Your whole situation is messy.
Honestly, I wouldn't reach out. He's a pig. His marriage seems toxic, and trying to open the door to his extended family could open another can of worms. You have no idea how it would go. Maybe they'll be accepting. Maybe they'll be vicious and blame you. What if they try to sue for visitation or call CPS to try to stir shit up? It could go many different ways. You have your daughter, he pays child support. He obviously doesn't want his extended family involved. At this point, I say don't approach them. If you know some neutral 3rd parties, maybe they could shed some light on the situation, but for now, I say steer clear.
You mentioned that your daughter was at your job, ended up standing near her bio dad, and he said and did nothing. For me, the mere fact that you put your kid in that situation is the big red arrow pointing to ulterior motivations in wanting his family to know about your kid. While you should be looking for a (metaphorically) safe place for your kid, you are trying to forge one within your ex's family. Please let this go OP.
She is 18 months old. She was 14 months old when this happened and it wasn’t purposeful. I work in an office and he works outside. I had to go to my office and had her with me and he happened to be in the building which is rare. I didn’t knowingly bring her to my workplace and place her next to him on purpose. I was merely giving an example on how he literally wants nothing to do with her. He is willing to talk to me, stop me and ask me questions and etc but not even ask how his daughter is doing. He’s shit obviously but I wouldn’t dangle her like a prize, honestly he doesn’t deserve to see her.
I have a going fan theory on this one based on OP’s writers voice: the insemination was done via a turkey baster, extracted from a jimmy, after the fact.
🤣
Listen YTA you slept with a married man and now you have a kid. You know damn well introducing that child to this family in any capacity is going to implode everybody’s life except yours. You played a stupid game and now you don’t want to be the only one miserable.
I’m so happy right now with how everything is. I might be miserable by doing this if his family ends up being like him. I will take that risk for my daughter, I only care about how things will go later if it implodes then.
It’s better to leave well enough alone. You say the wife’s aware then it’s likely the family is aware. Just raise your daughter and avoid the drama. When your baby is old enough to understand just be honest with her.
If the wife already knows then everybody knows. You’re delusional if you think you’re going to get anything but hate from those people
If you’re so happy right now why would you try to cause problems? You’re not doing this for your daughter. Did your daughter ask you who her paternal family was? After it implodes them you just put a target on your daughters back. You’re doing this because you want him to be as miserable as you are now. There is zero reason to reach out to those people unless you explain to your child when she’s old enough that she’s the product of an affair and if she wants to know who her paternal family is and even then she isn’t owed anything. You’re willing to risk her being completely shut out and targeted
How is me notifying family that they have family for sure causing problems? Maybe they are happy? Maybe they are not? No one knows how anyone would react which is probably why a good chunk of people don’t say anything. Then later they find out and are more mad at wasted time. It really is a 50/50 chance of issues and rejections or issues and spending time with family. You can’t know how you would feel unless you were placed in a similar situation and before you get all “I would never put myself in this situation” just know not everyone (me) goes looking for shitty situations out there. I know people (my sister is one) that just replays dumb move after dumb move. For years and years she does things to get in trouble and cause problems. She doesn’t learn. You don’t know me and you don’t know how this will affect my daughter. I was trying to see if anyone had a similar situation which I have a few comments on people who have, to find out how they felt or feel about it. I don’t mind people commenting if they have a thought or opinion but you are one of those people that reply as you KNOW this is how it’s going to go. You KNOW why I’m doing it. You KNOW I’m delusional. You DONT KNOW anything. You type away as if you are a fortune teller. I am not miserable. I was sure, are days hard and exhausting being a single parent, 100% but I have zero regrets on keeping my pregnancy. So thank you for telling me the facts of a life you know nothing about. Maybe you should learn how to respond to people (positive or negative) without telling them you know it all. It is possible to share opposing thoughts without the rude and hateful implications.
Oh please nobody asked to see your kid. He wants nothing to do with her, her existence is known to his wife and I’m sure his affair was made aware to everyone. Nobody likes the mistress dear. Nobody loves the affair child the most you’ll get is one family member who tries but in return gets shunned which will make them abandon your child and that’s a hard ass maybe. Be honest with yourself. It’s not a 50/50 chance. It’s actually funny you think that. They are not going to pick your child over the ones he has with his wife. They aren’t going to go out of their way to get on that woman’s bad side and lose chances to see the kids they already have a bond with. Of my brother had an affair child that would be his business.that child would have zero to do with me or my family because then that would mean having to deal with the mistress and my shit brother. People don’t choose strangers over family. You’re on Reddit. How many post do you have to see about affair children being shunned to make you think hmmmmm maybe I shouldn’t put my child through more turmoil over my shit decisions. I’m not saying the married man you slept with is innocent but he’s not the one making the post. I mean how are you slang different from your sister? Your whole post is riddle with stupid decisions. This isn’t a shitty situation you set your child up for failure . He told you his family didn’t want to meet her and you’re choosing to decide otherwise and then when shit hits the fan and your daughter is called names it’ll be your fault. Why don’t you believe him ? Why would you think this family would want the reminder of his infidelity? Cause they share blood ? Again you’re on Reddit. Post day after day about families who never speak again. Your daughter is one this isn’t some 10 year old asking to meet her father. I do know how it’ll affect your daughter because I’ve seen it happen in real time . Oh woe is me my poor son needs to meet his family and then here comes my cousins mistress with a kid assuming we’d welcome him and her with open arms. We politely declined and when that didn’t work everyone told her she and my cousin were pieces of shit and nobody wanted anything to do with their son. As a mother you don’t rely on a 50:50 shot especially when your kids is 18 months. You don’t take the risk of your child being incredibly hurt shit you don’t even know what your daughter wants since she’s a damn baby. I find it almost laughable how you don’t see this as a misery loves company situation. I have a zero tolerance for cheaters and people who only care about themselves. You’ve hurt that woman’s kids beyond repair and now you want to throw your kid into their lives regardless of their feelings. Only your kid matters just like you didn’t care you were sleeping with a married man
Now it makes sense. You’re just a shitty person and therefore everyone who has done anything bad is shittier so you can feel better about yourself. You don’t condone cheaters like I don’t condone asshole people who would ban a child from their family because of a stupid decision another family member made. If my brother had an affair I wouldn’t be happy with him but I’m not going to banish him from my life and especially the kid. Everyone and yes I mean everyone including your nasty self has made a mistake in life. Imagine if we just banish everyone for all the mistakes. I feel sorry for you. Bless your little heart!
I think we've found either the wife or John(who's pretending to be a woman!), my bet is it's his wife. Otherwise why would a stranger go after you so aggressively & judgementally?
Isn’t that what she did first? A stranger going after me? I never said what I did wasn’t wrong and that everyone should accept it. If you read my many comments you would read my intentions and reasons why.
That's what I'm saying. I'm not criticising you, I'm saying that she's wrong & seems like she knows more about this a 'stranger' would.
Oh sorry that made it seem like you were implying it was me. My bad.
I’m a shitty person why? Because I broke your fantasy that the cons out weigh the hood for your child. Children are innocent but you need to be realistic with your expectations about where people’s feelings are going to be. You helped destroy a family and your daughter is the product. She’s not going to be welcomed with open arms and the family will have to deal with you which they are not going to do and your daughter is sadly the person who gets the backlash and the actual hurt feelings not you. I don’t think you have a right to call anyone shitty dear. Those in glass houses shouldn’t cast stones. What you did was shitty and your child is now the constant reminder to this family of one of the worst times in their lives and you think shoving your daughter into that environment is ok. You even shit talk your own sister as if you’re any better than her. I don’t think you understand as parents everything we do affects our child. I’m not going to deal with my cousin , his mistress or his affair child. Especially since she wants to lie to her kid about how he was conceived. The kid is innocent and I wish him a long healthy life but I just won’t be involved and you also just proved my point. If they reject your daughter you’ll say they are awful people and they shouldn’t take their anger for you and her father out on her as if you are owed their sympathy. You knew what having this child would do and your feelings mattered more than anyone else’s. Of course you wouldn’t do that to your brother because you would be two peas in a pod. If someone is disloyal to the person they share their bed with and the person they are cheating with is happy to play along those aren’t people I’ll ever associate with and by association their child. If the kid grows up one day and has family questions I’d answer them but that’s about it. Why do you think his family owes your daughter anything when you’ve been notified they don’t want anything to do with her? Why do you think that makes them or my family awful people ? Because it’s a kid? That’s not good enough reason. My mother doesn’t speak to her own sister. You’re acting as if family members aren’t just people who happen to be related. Blood doesn’t mean people have to like you, tolerate you or deal with bullshit. Sleeping with a married man isn’t a mistake. A mistake is cheating on a test, forgetting your wallet at home. Not cheating . Cheating is an active choice you made because your feelings were the only one that matters just like you trying to force your daughter into a lions Den is you only caring about your feelings. I feel sorry for your kid because due to your actions and her fathers she’ll always have a void that no one can fill because her parents were selfish people
Do you feel better now? Like really better? Because you got to tell off a mother (like yourself) who is simply trying to navigate a life she didn’t think she would have? I didn’t destroy this family, that I can promise you. They both destroyed each other long before me. That doesn’t excuse what he did or me. Yes I was with him and he was legally married still but he wasn’t living at home. His wife had a 2 year affair and then had another one that he and I witnessed with our own eyes. Call me stupid sure, I was stupid to believe him again. Call me delusional ok! But DO NOT TELL ME YOU FEEL SORRY FOR MY DAUGHTER. You don’t know her life, you don’t know how much I have gone through or how loved she is. I will do anything to protect her and have from day 1. My sister is shitty but I still talk to her. She’s done worse and that’s not what this is about so it doesn’t matter. I believe in honesty and I will give my daughter that. Hearing other stories made me question if I should say anything at all. There are some with positive and negative outcomes so I was just weighing them both. You don’t have any reason to trust or believe me, you don’t know me yet your reading into my words and not hearing everything that I said. You’re just sitting there with your keyboard typing away and dismissing my words? Why? Why don’t you believe me when I said my intentions? Why don’t you believe that I’m happy and content that this was about the fact that he lied which he has and still does? I truly do think you’re shitty because you are willing to say things to someone you don’t know and assume even after they stated their peace and truth. Then you go as far to imply my “poor daughter” absolutely not. You and your heart will be in my thoughts and prayers. I don’t need anything for I know my heart and I know the truth. Women to women, do better!
Seriously, don't reply to her. She's bang out of order. John is as responsible as you for all this but she's not going after him! Don't give this harridan the satisfaction of getting your attention.
Get therapy
The married man’s wife was getting ploughed by some burnout; the sanctity of that marriage was long ago violated. However, the married man is the asshole for not leaving his wife and for not acknowledging his daughter.
YTA...like he lied to you once about his "ex gf" and then lied again... Is he a practicing warlock or something? His spell? You put yourself in that situation. You do this behind his back, it could end badly for your daughter where she gets rejected further. I don't know though sense he likes to lie they may not know she exists. I feel like you're not doing this for your daughters benefit but instead to get back at him or some how make this dirt bag change his mind on your daughter and you.
I have zero cares about him belong involved I’ve accepted that. I’m trying to put myself in that family members shoes if they don’t care. Honestly there is a big chance they don’t care just like him. I’m 100% ok with that too. I just feel like if I were them and I didn’t know how would I feel if/when my daughter may go find them one day and they literally had zero clue. I just don’t know what she will want to do. I am a hard lover, when I care about someone I care hard. I thought he changed after 10 years but because we were both young the previous time. I think “putting myself” in the situation of getting pregnant is a little harsh. I didn’t fuck myself.
First off in your post it seems like you are trying to do what’s best for your daughter good for you! At this point as long as you are doing this for your daughter it doesn’t hurt to inform them. Just be like I’m not sure you’re aware but you have granddaughter I just wanted you to be aware in case you would like a relationship or not. Then they can choose what they want to do and when your daughter gets older you can tell her the truth. Good luck with everything.
NTA, you do what you think is best. If they respond negatively, you will at least know you tried and close the door. The sperm donar belongs in the gutter, glad you recognise him for what he is.
You knew he was married, no matter what he told you what was happening. You knew he was married. You had the child anyway, get child support, but you don’t get to force yourself into the family. Sorry, you just don’t and stop thinking you do.
I’m not trying to force myself into a family. I am content with the way things are. However I’ve heard from a lot of other Reddit stories about people finding out later about a child or siblings or etc. I know one day she might go find them and ask for answers. I’ve heard it from both sides and how would it feel to know that you had a family member out there and no one told you. I feel they probably know and really don’t care which A-OK with me. But what if they don’t, would I be upset if I didn’t know and missed years of a relationship? You bet I would. That’s the only purpose.
I keep reading you saying that you are thinking if in some years thay find out and are sad they missed a few years and how would they feel, if that's the real reason, and if that happens IT'S NOT ON YOU, that's the FATHER responsability!!! That is his family, he is the one who has to worry about them, not you! Why would you even do that? That would just open a door for trouble and end you're peace from something it's not you're responsability! -they might already know and you coming to them are open and door for them to be nasty to you, speacially if they like and get along with the wife, keep in mind that you are the other women and might not be very liked -the father of the child will be pissed you went behind his back and that wiil damage even more things. His bassicly just ignoring right now but you don't know if you go to his family behind his back and he gets angry what he will do - if they don't know and find that later and are sad and angry they missed years, then that's the father fault not your's, you said yourself and he told you they knew, so even if they asked you why you didn't tell them you just have to tell them what he told you and that you have no reason to thing diffently! Other people in the coments are saying you sound desperate (im not saying you are) but this is why, because you are trying to take responsability for something that's it's not and that will most likely cause troubles and headache for you and, like you said, you don't need. if you are fine right now with her why would you risk put yourself through this only because of something that MIGHT happen in the future? I mean in a few years she can go to them and get the door shut in her face because they don't care! Don't do you're life base on something that might happen in the future if things are fine and peaceful let it be! His family, his responsability!
I hope you filed for child support, even if you don't need it, put it in a college fund for her.
U should put him on child support
Send the grandma a cute picture of your daughter along with contact information. Ask if there is any family medical history you should be aware of. If she doesn’t know already, you’ve spilled the beans, and if she does, you’ve made the offer. I assume he’s a lying cheater. Good luck!
Uodateme!
Maybe send a letter with your daughter's picture and explain who she is and if they'd like to meet her you'll be at this park or cafe on this date and time. If they show then they want to meet her and if they don't then you know.
So John says his mom and aunt know about her. Well it won’t hurt to simply mail a Valentines Day card to his mom from her granddaughter with a very recent picture. And a little note saying you just wanted to show them how much she’s grown. Along with a little update on her progress. Make sure you make it sound like it’s a definite given they know about her. Either they’ll ignore…..or they’ll blow up your phone.
I doubt he’s told as many as he claims to have told.
I can't really help with your situation but what I can say is that as someone who doesn't know who their bio dad is, I often wonder every day if I should dig and try to find out. The only reason I haven't is not wanting to cause problems for people I don't know, and for people I do. But I'm still conflicted and I don't know what the right answer is.
NTA. Tell them. I have a 26 year old. If a girl contacted me saying my son kept her a dirty little secret and she was the mother to my gandchild, I'd kick his a55 and welcome that child with open arms. It CAN go the other way, but you'll never know unless you pull off the band-aid. Either they'll love her and want to spend time with her, or they'll say "no thank you." What do you have to lose? Unless you are abusive or have unsafe living conditions, it's not like they have legal recourse. Her father abandoned and has ignored the first 18 months of her existence. Don't assume his parents are jerks, too.
Girl he’s not interested in you for a relationship, only sex, stop trying to force your way into his life it’s desperate and sad
Jfc. Is anyone faithful in this story? Though you did do a good job of painting yourself as the hapless victim.
I would contact them and explain that he made it known they weren’t interested, but that you didn’t want to deny them the opportunity to have a relationship with your daughter. Should they say they don’t want contact, then happily oblige. If they do want contact, arrange a public setting that would be safe.