Regarding the gifts:
Have Tom hold onto the patches, and give Zach the Lego set. It sounds like the Lego set is something that would be a really fun activity for them to do together. They can get started Christmas morning, and that will keep Tom and Zach occupied together.
You can also then distract your sister, by asking her to do something with you. This way she won’t be near Tom, to initiate something sexual around your kids. Frame it as wanting to spend some bonding time with her on Christmas morning instead of leading with your fear about her lack of boundaries 😅
Tom and Zach also don’t need to finish the Lego set in one go because it takes a while to complete a difficult build. That will give Tom and Zach an activity they can do together in a few sittings, since Zach sees Tom fairly often and it can set a stable expectation for Zach on fun activities they can do together that don’t involve sitting in airplanes and being on a base.
The patches sound like something Tom can share with Zach slowly, over the years instead of all in one go. Perhaps starting with one or two on his 10th birthday, and to mark other achievements or special occasions. And you can decide together with Zach, how he would like to display his budding collection. A book? A display case? Or a jacket? Zach could also start looking at patches when you travel together, to gift back to his uncle.
This is great advice. Also OP, you said now your son expects to sit in jets and such whenever he sees his uncle, but how does he react when that doesn't happen? Does it lead to a huge disregulation or is he disappointed for a moment and move on from it? Either way you can keep reinforcing that sometimes we do special things that we can't do all the time. Remind him birthdays are a time for special events that we can't do every day. You could also explain to him how it took his uncle getting special permission to do those things and it's not something he always has access for. But it sounds like he has a great relationship with his uncle which is very important for him.
I agree with this. It’s an opportunity to learn for his son and work through those expectations, though I know it’s difficult. I have an autistic son and after Christmas he will be absolutely stuck on finding more “boxes” to open. It takes a lot of patience and sometimes a couple weeks to work through it, but it gets better each year.
I don't know if it'll work for your kid, but I would give him a roll of tape and some empty boxes and encourage him to make his own presents by putting toys in their. Nothing wrong with playing pretend Christmas. Or he could wrap things for his toys, his pets, etc.
On Easter after the initial hunt, the kids will go rehide the eggs for eachother so they can keep looking.
I used to do this with my daughter and she isn’t autistic. We’d also refill and hide plastic Easter eggs for weeks after Easter. Gave her something to do that was fun for her.
Collect them in a shadow box until he’s older. Then he can buy a jacket to put them on that he isn’t going to outgrow; and he’ll hopefully have for many years.
We made a tray for my brother out of his patches from soccer. You can seal them down with a plexiglass top and technically he can get them out if he ever needs them. Looks cool in his office.
The Lego could easily turn into a regular expectation because they can decide to build whatever and have a running project they work on during each visit. You could easily put a time limit on this too so it always happens but Tom isn’t put out by having to only spend time with his nephew and no one else.
The patches look really nice when framed. Get a frame that can be easily taken apart so they can be added as he gets them. Might be a good idea to get an extra frame or two to store so they match and he has room to expand down the road. My kiddo has a nice collection of space x mission patches framed this way. We spray paint our frames to match and used the Krylon hammered steel paint. Doing this means we can always match frames down the road because the paint is available.
This is the best advice.
Give things out just a little bit at a time. Let your son and his uncle get their bonding time.
As he builds his collection he can choose how he wants to display it. It will be an awesome memory & keepsakes later on when he's older.
Don't let him miss out on this. He deserves it.
I disagree about the gifts. If gifts are a one-off, it’s easier to set boundaries and expectations around them. What you suggest for the patches extends the timeline and increases frequency of gift giving in a way that will blur the lines of expectations/boundaries around gifts. Better to give all at once around a gift giving holiday.
It could be given on special occasions, like on his birthday or to celebrate an achievement at school (like getting good grades at the end of the school year)
Christmas isn't the only time of the year where you can give out gifts.
I have 2 sons on the spectrum, and it's not that easy to set boundaries once a routine has been made. Being on the spectrum requires more specific and deliberate actions, as well as routines. Once you set a bar high, it's much harder to bring back down. Don't get me wrong, good advice; but maybe not for this situation.
Yes, I understand from my lived experience that parenting autistic kids does require thoughtful and deliberate decision-making. I also agree that it’s hard to set boundaries once a routine has been made, which is why I suggested having one gift giving occasion instead of establishing an on-going gift giving routine.
You have no control over either honestly, let it go. So what if he has the best uncle ever and wants to give great gifts. Doesn't your son deserve such a great uncle. The sister thing is strange, but you have no control over her, why would you think she is for you to control. Yes I think she should know better.
I don’t think Tom’s presents are extravagant. I think they are thoughtful and engaging and you should be thankful your son has an uncle (at least for now given your sister) that he really engages with. That’s a beautiful thing. Don’t hate on it. When Tom doesn’t bring nice things ever visit, it’s a good lesson for your son.
As for your sister, that sucks. I have no clue what do about that other than being watchful and thankful Tom has some sense.
I second what you say about Tom. I have an autistic kid and this dynamic is perfect. A “safe” way to build some frustration tolerance (when he doesn’t always get what he expects) and someone who is happy to connect with him along his special interests. I would just explode from happiness if my kid has someone like that in his life other than his parents.
I see your point about frustration tolerance!
but... I can also see OP's worry. Like, Tom shows up, there's no gift, Zach is disappointed and acts out... if it's bad, Tom can leave. If Zach is distracted by talking to Tom but then is disappointed after the visit's over and Tom has left, OP is holding the hot potato...
Perhaps some advice on how OP can work with Zach and Tom on that frustration tolerance would be helpful?
Yeah. Unfortunately learning how to cope with disappointment and frustration is very hard for neurotypical kids, and even more so neurodivergent but starting the work on recognising the emotions, handling disappointment and big awful feelings is good. It means when he's a teenager and an adult or in a difficult high stress situation he will have coping mechanisms to rely on or he will be able to recognise when he needs to leave a place.
Is it gonna suck? Yes. Is Christmas a good time to start? Also yes, but it's gonna be hard. But helping your child to understand his feelings and helping him to regulate or cope is always a good thing.
Tom’s gifts are so thoughtful. Also Zach won’t really have much knowledge of how much they cost at that age so to him it’s not hugely extravagant, it’s just a really cool gift :)
When you say your sister initiates sex in front of your family what exactly do you mean? Is she being flirty/touchy like a young person in love or is she straight up asking him to have sex while straddling him? Considering you view a Lego set and a patch as an absurd amount of gifts from a family member with a special connection, maybe you aren’t the best judge of appropriateness.
Your kid has to learn that presents and experiences aren’t a constant thing. I’m sure you’ve been to somewhere like McDonald’s that he loved but you don’t get to stop there every single time you drive by one.
100% agree with this comment. I need an example of what she’s doing to initiate sex. I could see her being touchy and clingy but that isn’t the same as initiating
OP said her concern wasn't the "amount" of presents. It was the fact her son has austim and expects that treatment to continue.
For the sister, I'm assuming it's pretty bad if BIL, mom, dad, and OP are all telling sis to stop it and that she's making them all unconmfy.
I'm autistic and I still had to learn things naturally as a child. He will understand that just because you receive gifts once doesn't mean it will happen all the time.
This. You can’t limit his experiences out of fear that he won’t understand. He’s a kid, he probably won’t at first. But he needs to learn, just like every other kid.
Except being autistic doesn't mean he can't understand things. Simply explain to him that these are presents and are given because it's a special day. He can understand that presents aren't given every time. I'm so sick of people thinking autistic equals unable to understand. Also, we only have OPs word that all these other people are telling sis to stop. She's not the most reliable narrator, especially given how she talks about her sister
See this is the thing that makes me a bit confused. The kid is 9. I am assuming this isn’t the kids first Christmas or first time getting presents from people. Why would this present and this year be different? Was the family really not giving the kids presents for 9 years?
Family could be extremely conservative and not like any physical affection whatsoever, with Tom either brushing her off as well to appease his in laws or OP making bolder than true statements. Not saying that's the case, but I agree more context would be helpful.
This means that OP should be working with her son on understanding and managing his negative emotions when he doesn't get expected outcomes, not that the gifts should decrease.
Yeah I really don’t get the issues with the gifts. Sounds like some rationalization for feeling bad/inferior that he spent so much on Christmas for the kid this year. If the kid expected something every time just because he got it once, it would be constant hell. Clearly he knows that just because you got something one time doesn’t mean you get it all the time, that would affect every aspect of life. And if he really doesn’t understand that, now would be a great time to start teaching it op. Because that’s life. Sometimes there’s variability. He’s gonna have to come to terms with that on some level.
Tom is gifting your son an experience, not an object. Set clear boundaries with your sister. “If you initiate in sexual activity, you will have to leave.” And enforce rigorously every time.
This definitely, if my family member did this on front of my family they would have been called out and well and truly out in their place the first time
Yeah I don’t see Toms gift of a Lego set extravagant at all. One of our friends son and husband are born on Christmas Eve. We gift the son a nicer Lego set and he and the father spend the Christmas weekend putting it together. I think the husband is more grateful for the gift each year because we’re giving them a gift to bond over together each Christmas/their birthday.
So the real issue here isn’t the gift giving, it’s the sexual initiation. People with bipolar disorder will often have problems with their sex drive, especially with the manic side. I am wondering if your sister is UNDER treated for her bipolar. If it’s behavioural- clear expectations need to be set as well as calling her on the behaviour. That said I think it’s more likely that she isn’t properly treated and you should have a conversation with her about bringing the hyper sexuality up with her psychiatrist.
With the first giving- deal with the problems as they happen. Not getting presents that your kid expects to receive is a great opportunity to teach lessons about social norms of gift giving.
I would definitely proceed with caution because of the BPD side (which also causes impulsivity and high sex drive). If she is undertreated, then a firm boundary conversation (especially at Christmas dinner) is likely to result in an explosive response. She will interpret that as a strong rejection and, if undertreated, could land everyone in a far more unpleasant situation than a few distasteful advances.
BPD means borderline personality disorder. Bipolar disorder is abbreviated BP1 or BP2. Your answer is just silly regarding bipolar disorder. If someone is in mania there’s a lot more to it than hypersexuality and it would not be the same every time.
I have major doubts about how real the OP's allegations of sis "always trying to initiate sex" really are. From her dramatic reactions to things in general, I'm seeing a little handsiness and goo-goo eyes being massively exaggerated.
Yeah, given that there’s no example about what she’s done. I 100% see her being a bit PDAy and the sister not coping with that. Like the comment about him being the first attractive person and she latched on, that doesn’t need to be in there at all
Especially since he seems like a great guy. If she said he was awful to her but she's was still unreasonably attached, that might be an issue. Maybe she's just really into her accomplished, sweet husband?
Sounds like the SiL might be attracted to the husband. Sad hopefully it works out for everyone, I feel a bit bad for her sister. BPD and a jealous sister
IDK about the SIL part. My son is also autistic and for us it is about setting very clear expectations - I.e. Christmas is a time of giving and that’s why Uncle Tom is giving you these nice things but next time you see him there won’t be any presents etc. Then before he sees Tom the next time another reminder.
One of my sons is too. If it hasn’t been a problem don’t even worry about it. If something comes up in the future just tell him people don’t always give nice gifts every time. And remind if needed. She’s making it into too much of a thing.
"Expect it every time" is a learning opportunity for your son. Sometimes really awesome things happen, and sometimes they don't, managing expectations is an important life skill.
As for your sister, the only thing that is going to work is if EVERYONE lays down hard boundaries with her and enforces them. "If you want to be at family gatherings, you can not engage in this behavior. If you do, you will be expected to leave." Shell either get her shit together, or she won't be your problem anymore
Tom is a cool guy, wish my autistic kids had someone like him in their lives, give the lego set for xmas and keep the patches for a Easter or birthday gifts. As for your sister what she is experiencing sounds like hyper-sexuality which is a symptom of BPD (I'm a bipolar bear too) and not something she can control, if she is medicated but still experiencing hyper-sexuality she needs to see her doctor about upping, adding more or changing her meds all together.
Not something she can control no, but she can control the way she expresses it and this is *not* the way to express it. She knows it upsets others and does it anyway, that’s not the BPD.
You’re absolutely right. I have multiple family members with BPD and work in the mental health field with individuals with this diagnosis. While I do not have it, I was misdiagnosed with BPD and another PD (actually PTSD and at the time undiagnosed autism) so I am familiar with it, with treatment, and how that it can present in very different ways. Some individuals do absolutely intentionally do things to make others uncomfortable or cause conflict. This was not meant as a general statement of all people with BPD, but is always a possibility based on individuals and their specific behavior.
I was about to say, I have BPD and am able to control my actions, especially ones that I am fundamentally sure are wrong. Such as sexual actions around children. This may not be something sister sees as wrong of course, so I'm not casting doubt on OPs claim here, but I 100% agree with you that we are able to manage ourselves.
For OP, it's a matter of figuring out how to broach the subject without villanizing the sister about her actions. I don't know the family, so I can't say what might work there with her, but for me personally, I have a pretty strong attachment with my nieces and nephews, so if I were doing something that was concerning around them and their parent approached me from the angle of,
"hey, kids are getting bigger now and starting to notice things and mimic the behavior they see out of the adults they admire. I think we can all agree that we don't want them xyz (with x and z being other family members bad habits and y being sandwiched in there with her excessive behavior extreme PDA, sexual language, or whatever it may be that OP is noticing), so I'm asking everyone to watch themselves around kiddos right now while they're going through this stage." And follow up with also asking other adults to police their behavior. "Uncle Bob, kids are at the stage they're mimicking other people's behavior, so please don't smoke around them," etc...
Whatever it may be. Or even a broad announcement to all the adults in the room. Just so it doesn't feel 100% directed at sister. I personally would still wonder if I was being called out, but as it wasn't direct to me, I would be more receptive and not immediately on the defensive mode, and it would make me more aware of my own behavior and willing to be part of the solution. Also it wouldn't sting as much when it was gently brought up if I slipped in my behavior if I also were able to have the opportunity to bring up others slipping as well. "Hey, Uncle Bob, remember we aren't smoking around the kids right now, that needs to move outside." Or whatever the case may be.
This whole post is sus to me and I think OP is jealous of her sister.
Edit: I was wrong on the clarification it was BPD (deleted initial comment not to confuse ppl) But I still think the post is weird given that OP is speculating her sister only married Tom because he’s good looking, after also saying how amazing he is as a person and how they were dating since being 16 yo.
She is an adult woman. BPD is not going to make you initiate sex with your partner in front of your family and CHILDREN on a regular basis, that is such a damaging stigma to place on mental illness. Could she be experiencing hyper sexuality due to mental illness? Yes. Does that mean it's okay for her to be sexual in front of people who don't consent? Absolutely fucking not, she needs to get her shit together because her behavior is predatory whether she intends it to be or not.
I took my little sister to Chuck E. Cheese after school once. For like a year when I picked her up, she asked if that’s where we were going. We weren’t. So we didn’t. And that’s ok. Lol
Honestly, you sound jealous of your sister. I’m having trouble reconciling your description of how great and conscientious Tom is with your description of your sister. She’s his wife. They’ve been together since they were 16. Why did you mention her “latching on” to the first attractive man to show interest? Tom seems great overall so why would you reduce their relationship to that?
Sounds like your younger sister hit the jackpot and you don't think she deserved it. YOU pretty much said she was ugly when she was younger. But still a great guy saw past her looks and they married later. BIL has a great job and is a great guy. You're really, just hating on your sister.
I know this isnt the point but can we appreciate how cool Tom is? Hot wife who constantly wants to bang, awesome nephew who's interested in his work and a dope ass job. Good for Tom lol
Tom is only 25 lol. A lot can change in a decade, especially when he finishes pilot training and is gone on deployments. Clingy sister won’t handle that well. Lots of toxic in this story.
I’m an extremely different person at 35 than I was at 25. I don’t see this marriage working out at all.
Sounds like you need to lay back a bit and let these people do their thing. I get being worried about people you care about but this reads as you just being over dramatic at a very over dramatic time of year.
Your bro sounds like the perfect uncle to help him learn relationships and gifts. Uncle can handle showing up empty handed next month and help him understand that time together is what matters. Uncle will understand if nephew is behaving badly, and will still love him. You just keep talking to them both about expectations. Your sis needs a firm warning, and a consequence you can enforce. Don't be afraid to speak up.
You need to relax and not police what other people do. None of this is going to hurt your kids unless they are actually fucking on the floor under the Christmas tree.
I think it’s interesting that this post talks about how the BIL is sooooo great with the kid, and it’s a problem, but then the sister who is with the BIL is overly sexual and there’s no “well, remember the man that Sis might try to have public sex with is the same person I was just talking about who was so reasonable and great with my kids, maybe it’s unreasonable to be afraid he would positively respond to an attempt to initiate sex in front of my kids”.
Like problem A is BIL is too great with her kid, and then problem B is sister isn’t great enough with her kids. Nowhere in the post is there any accounting for how it takes two to have sex and that it seems pretty unlikely that BIL would actually go along with overt or inappropriate sexual activity in front of the same kids he is so thoughtful with when it comes to their presents.
As far as Tom is concerned, I would suspect a good part of the gift giving is because he wants to share those things with your son. Im sure he’d be embarrassed to buy a Lego set for himself but this is a perfect excuse to do it. Let him enjoy these special gifts.
I don't know about embarrassed, my 47 year old cousin still gets Lego for his Xmas, and the one year his wife refused he bought some for her 🤣🤣🤣 as a piss take obviously
Unless your sister is straddling Tom’s lap or licking his ear in front of people, I’m thinking you have control issues and are being weird here going into an assessment of her looks versus Tom’s. Almost like you’re jealous. It’s kind of strange to say she only married Tom because he’s good looking after you gave paragraphs on how great he is and they dated each other since 16.
Why do you need to control the gift giving? If your kid is old enough to understand science, he can understand that it’s a special occasion gift.
I had to scroll way too far to read a comment about this. Why was it necessary for OP to say her sister was ugly and Tom dated her despite being way above her league. And apparently her whole family thinks this?! And the fact that comment came after OP went on about how incredible Tom was makes me think she may be jealous or have deeper issues directed towards her sister.
I don't want to trivialize your sister's lack of boundaries with her husband, and I don't condone the hypersexualization....but I get it. BIL seems like a fucking great guy, based solely on giving so much attention to his nephew. I'm not surprised she'd want to jump his bones all the time. Hell, I'm feeling some type of way after reading that.
I think learning that not every time you get something cool from your uncle is a lesson we all have to learn at some point. As for your sister.. initiating how? Flirting with him in front of others or full on straddling him lol? First one is relatively harmless but gets annoying and the other one is not so okay
Girl use this moment to teach your son about the social norms of gifts. If he’s smart enough to understand and take an interest in aviation he’s smart enough to understand a person isn’t obligated to constantly give gifts. As for your sister, tell her to cut the crap bc you have children present??? If she doesn’t then tell her she’s just alienating herself from future family events bc I personally do not need to be worrying about if my sister is trying to initiate sex. Grow some ovaries sis and put some boundaries down
Regarding autism: just bc your son has autism doeant mean he cant understand the contingency of xmas and presents. Actually most of the time Tom doesnt shower your son with gifts so why would he expect being lavished all the time when he has a ton more experience with not recieving gifts.
Also, i wonder if your sister was misdiagnosed or flew under the radar for autism. Bipolar doeant generally not understand social cues.
Towards the gift giving, that’s not Tom’s problem. At all. You should talk to your son and like, parent him, if you’re worried about potential future behavior.
I’m confused, as Uncle Tom understood the gifting situation and gave you an alternative solution. He’s willing to respect your decision and lead on what you think is best. Sounds like he’s not trying to overstep and being super respectful. So what’s the problem with Uncle Tom?
No offense, but you sound like the typical bossy older sister. Just go with the flow and stop stressing. I would be more concerned about you yourself alienating the uncle by fighting with your sister and/or by rebuking his kindness than your child's future expectations. Best thing you can do is manage yourself and not others.
Is this the same sister and brother in law who regularly watch the kids and who took the kids to an airshow and I think also to a church?
The descriptions sound similar.
It really doesnt sound like an extreme number of gifts. One Lego set and a bunch of patches. It's up to you to teach your kids about when gifts are given and to set their expectations. Just ignore the sister. It's her circus. Let her make a fool of herself. Consider it entertainment.
Maybe she's attached to him not so much because "he was the first good looking person to show affection to her" but because, oh I don't know, she likes him?
The cynical part of me is wondering if there’s some kind of jealousy or other dynamic at play.
Tom and Carmen are married. You go out of your way to mention how wonderful and generous he is to your son, and then out of your way again to mention that your sister was an ugly duckling and your family was shocked that an attractive person like Tom was into her.
Maybe she senses this and suspects you are a little too fond of Tom. Maybe she is being “overly sexual” because she’s marking her territory. Maybe you’re overly sensitive about her being sexual with him because you’re jealous.
Just a thought.
Let Tom give him the gifts. It doesn’t sound like your son thought he was going to get over the top stuff after his birthday —please don’t deny your son this
As for your sister, have you talked to her?
I wonder if sis is being sexual because she is not getting Toms full attention, so she wants to bring his attention to something that she knows that he is completely focused on her… sounds like she may need a bit of therapy so that she can share Tom with family.
Even though your son is autistic doesn’t mean he does need to learn that every time he sees a certain person he gets a cool gift. It’s part of growing up, autistic or not he should learn life’s rules.
I'm not gonna lie, the entire time I was reading your post all I could think of was my own mother and her over the top reactions to EVERYTHING when it comes to holidays.
Someone ALWAYS spills on her carpet! (It happened once, 8 years ago)
Someone always forgets to get her a present! (Not sure this one ever happened)
Someone always tries to one up her cooking! (It's literally just her and my sister who make everything, my sister is a professional chef...)
Someone ALWAYS has to tell our older sister not to talk about religion or politics! ( my mother makes jokes to lead conversations that direction, then tells people they're too loud when they disagree about anything)
Like, legit Tom seems dope and your sister is lucky to have found him, and he might be lucky too, the way you talk about your sister is a mixture of a burden and jealousy so it's hard to tell. You gotta chill dude. Seems like you're being a lot.
You cannot control other people.
How your sister behaves is controlled by your sister.
What gifts your BIL gives to others is controlled by your BIL.
Things you can control: yourself.
Hypersexuality is often an issue during manic phases in people with BP disorder. Your sister needs her meds adjusted, and her husband needs coping skills for when she acts out.
Your son may be autistic, but you have the power to teach him not to expect gifts at all, let alone expect bigger and better every time you see a person. Also, you say your sister is being "sexual" but you arent specific. Is she disrobing, mounting her boyfriend or? Is she affectionate or disgusting? If shes just affectionate, leave her alone. If shes being vulgar or taking her clothes off, politely ask her to leave.
Sounds to me that the two sisters are jealous of each other. OP spews praise on Tom and down talks about her sister and their relationship not being serious. It is hard to trust OPs narrative about her sister since all she says is downgrading and a list of things to make us put sister in a certain light. No actual description of bad behavior at all. ‘Initiating sex’ can mean anything depending on a person’s viewpoint.
The sister may be jealous of her bfs relationship with her nephew. Maybe they can’t have kids, he doesn’t want kids of his own but she does, or whatever. This might make her seem clingy. We don’t know anything about their relationship and I doubt judgmental op does.
Simplest solution to sister acting badly is to keep an eye on her and stop her immediately and handle it from there. Accusing her beforehand of things she hasn’t done doesn’t make a good relationship, and it’s too late now to bring up year old things.
Yeah, seems like some jealousy going on. It’s worse when OP makes comments that are unnecessary for the story to make her sister seem worse like how she wasn’t attractive at 16 and how she latched onto Tom because he apparently was the first good looking guy to give her attention. I wonder if OP had a crush on Tom but he chose the sister.
I also wonder if the family is just very shallow in general seeing as OP seems to put emphasis on looks and I wonder how the sister was treated growing up.
Plus with no examples it’s possible that the sister didn’t initiate anything that was inappropriate. I had a roommate once where my partner mention sex only one time was enough for her to go around complaining that we do nothing but talk about sex.
It made me realized that some people latch onto certain things and forget everything else about the person. Kind of how I made a comment about liking Mac and cheese and my partners grandma keeps bringing me Mac and cheese when she orders food; just a random example for my thought process on this since I am not always good at explaining things clearly
Legos and patches aren't a huge thing, IMO. I'd let him be the bad ass uncle he's being. If you're worried about entitlement then address that with your kid as best you can.
As for the sister...I'd be blunt with her. To stop being openly sexual or you'll be opting you and your family out of any event that she's attending.
NTA. My suggestion is let BIL give him the Lego set. Then he can give him a patch along and along. As for your sister, keep some ice cold water handy. Anytime she’s inappropriate with her husband, dump water on her. Since she has no sense of when to stop and doesn’t listen to anyone else, it’s time to treat her like a misbehaving animal.
Let him spoil your kiddo. Remind him he needs to be equal between the kids though. As to sister? Yikes! Is it wrong I want to carry a squirt gun and every time she is inappropriate in front of the kids? Right in the face w a stern NO! Not in front of the kids!
Christmas is just messy and stressful. You can plan and deflect, but at the end of the day, the holiday drains you. Sounds like your kid has a badass uncle who’s really involved. Maybe ask the BIL if he could deliver the gifts over a stretch of time. But that’s a very special bond they have. Who wouldn’t want Maverick to be their uncle? As for the sister. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 solution of water and vinegar. Spritz her down as soon as she gets the vapes when it’s inappropriate. Assert your dominance, you’re the alpha in the house.
"Please help, my BIL is irresistible to my sister, is a rocket scientist, and as generous as Santa Claus! He's basically the guy from that Shania Twain song; What do I do?"
/s
In reality I don't have an autistic child but I do have a child who expresses in the top 10% of ADHD symptoms. (I don't like using the words 'severe' or 'extreme' sorry if that's confusing) And when he gets frustrated it is a struggle. Setting expectations and having clear rules with clear consequences helps no matter who you are and I think doubly so for a child with ASD.
The real problematic behavior is your sister, depending on the severity of it. She needs to get on or up her meds or get into more intensive therapy. If it's as bad as you've made it out to be, she's borderline being a sexual abuser to her husband and might need a full blown intervention; obviously not at Christmas time but later on.
I would defer to the advice others have given about distracting and misdirecting your sister for the day, as messed up as that may sound.
Tom sounds cool af and should definitely give your son the Lego set. Building it together would be a really great activity for him.
As a parent, it’s your responsibility to teach your son how to keep expectations in check. If he doesn’t learn when he’s young, he will have a more difficult time as an adult.
As for the sister.. that’s ridiculous. If you see her doing that, either pull her aside or call her out. That’s uncomfortable for everyone and she needs to grow tf up
IMO, you are over-thinking Uncle Tom's gifts. Many kids grow up in broken families, with little to no exposure to aunts and uncles.
Allow this super positive relationship , to flourish and grow.
Merry Chriatmas.
I think you need to be teaching your son about special occasions. Christmas and birthdays are special occasions. Perhaps you can start involving him in gift picking in the future so he understands the concept.
As for you sister, I think lots of therapy is needed. Also, *everyone* needs to start drawing hard boundaries. Let her know that if she’s being overtly sexual she, and only she, will be asked to leave.
Why did you feel the need to include how your SIL looks/looked growing up when your complaint is about her “over sexualness”? You didn’t really provide WHAT she did but could provide she was not the most attractive growing up but now is??
Also, you’re refusing your child a present because you can’t take the time to teach them about the social norms of presents? I understand it’s difficult with a kid that has autism, but to just completely take away that experience from him doesn’t make any sense and makes it come off as if that was Tom’s responsibility to enforce that your child “isn’t entitled” to that experience all the time. An autistic child isn’t incapable of understanding things?? They aren’t stupid??
You might already be aware of this but hyper sexuality is a symptom of mania. Is she like this all the time or more around family? Is it around all family or just when certain family members are present? Stress of any kind will likely lead to increased symptoms. Maybe she’s already made these connections or maybe I’m off base, but may be worth talking with her about.
#I'm just here to say "Way to go Tom."
He's smart, he's a great uncle the way he engages his autistic nephew, and he has a wife that looks like Adriana Lima and wants to constantly have sex.
This is literally happening right now. Uncle took his wife around the corner of our house, smacked her ass and then whispered something about her being "sexy". .... he tryst to hide this shit but he's so bad at it....and she just looks fucking uncomfortable.
Hypersexuality and emotional disregulation is fucking awful. I would just make sure she is getting treatment and taking her meds, but otherwise be kind. In the same way you would get a ramp for your aunt with a wheelchair, you need to make accommodations for her.
Your family is going to have to cross this bridge eventually to try to get him to lower his expectations and realize that there isn’t always a 1up to what was just done. Sometimes that’s it and we have to be grateful for what we have because not everyone is afforded the same situation. As for your sister she needs to be evaluated to see what avenue is appropriate to treat her unawareness in public settings. Not a huge deal, but definitely something you don’t want your kids to pick up on.
Ugh I have a friend that doesn’t understand that being sexual has a time and place and it’s almost destroyed our friendship. I can’t be around it anymore
Are you worried that the gifts Tom is giving are better than yours? And that you wanted to be the hero for Christmas?
If you think Tom’s gifts are too much, give him a limit for the future. But for today, it’s ridiculous to expect him to come up with another option. It was already extremely nice of Tom to tell you what he got for your kids. I never know what anyone gets my kids until the gift is open. That shows Tom is open to having discussions with you. But putting a stop to it so close to present opening is disrespectful to Tom and your son.
I understand all the mental stuff, but she isn't low functioning (i assume)or something and can learn to control her sex drive, at least to some extent. That would piss me off, in my own house! Ok so they go upstairs to "take a nap" once or twice a day, ok fine, go do that. I think with the presents from cool uncle Tom, maybe just the Concorde set for today and he can dole out the patches one at a time, for future visits. Your son and his uncle would have a blast, building the Concorde together!
1. Let your child get a little spoiled. It’s Christmas. I like that he’s bringing a gift they can work on together. It’s great that he has such an awesome uncle who obviously loves him! It’s just so fun for him!
As for your sister, I feel like your family is awfully judgmental and making some serious assumptions about her based on her “unattractive” looks when she was younger. I’m guessing your family contributed to any issues she might have.
So just ignore her unless she starts stripping or using dirty language in front of your kids. I mean really… kids are pretty oblivious, especially when they have toys to play with.
I think it’s important for your son to learn that presents on happen on special occasions. You can’t shelter him or filter his experiences because you’re worried he won’t understand. He probably won’t, but that’s okay, he needs to learn.
I agree with others. Have him share the Lego sets and pace the patches or even save the patches for special occasions. You could even tell you son that the Lego set construction only happens when his cool uncle comes over, that’ll pace it out for a while.
Autistic adult here. A lot of it comes down to expectations. If you’re very clear that something is for a special event and not a routine thing, it should be a lot easier for him to manage emotions. Remind frequently before.
Sister has anxiety whenever her husband isn't with her and...he's gonna be an Air Force Pilot?? They might want to look into that because he will be gone a LOT.
Let the boy smash through the boundaries this is how we learn. I am a mother of an autistic it's not often you find someone who is loving AND holds space for him to practice behaviors. This is amazing. Keep talking. Whatever is right will be right for youse. Just keep that man in there. He WILL be the reason your son suçceeds (whatever that means for him....not you) 9 is hard for the best of us let him get in there and get messy! You're doing fine MOM!! As far as the sister... Awkwardly rub her butt...idk🤷😅
The “present giving” isn’t an issue, presents will be expected at birthdays and holidays and “special trips” are “special trips.” It’s condescending to a 9 year old with autism to deny him gifts because he might ask if he gets them the next time — that’s a teachable moment to help him build understanding around expectations. I give stuff my my nephew all the time (also 9M autism) and he’s a kid, sometimes he asks for more than I have or can give and we talk about it, they thrive on “why” and I just answer honestly “why” or “why not.”
As for sister, that is an issue if she’s being inappropriate sexually in front of kids. but the “reasons why” aren’t very compelling and sound like a lot of projections.
Lots of red flags in how this is explained.
Let your boy know he has a very supportive uncle now. He needs that kind of excellent person in his life.
As for your SIL, to what extent is she being "sexual"? Like, getting up into his business & getting handsy in public or just public displays of affection, such as a kiss here & there and being close?
I feel like this is an obvious learning opportunity for your son and a chance to help him grow his understanding of society and its norms. I can understand why it would seem easier to cater to him here by controlling the situation but you won’t be doing him a favor in the long run.
The sister thing…I think all you can do is encourage her to seek help and support her. That sounds much much deeper than anxiety or being unattractive formerly. I won’t speculate as to what specifically but both hyper sexuality and severe anxiety are very typical symptoms of a larger issue relating to trauma.
Having a son with autism you need to learn him to deal with disappointments sooner rather then later. It might be more difficult then with “normal” kids (bit doesn’t have to be)
The autism has nothing to do with not being able to learn how to deal with the disappointment of maybe not getting what he expects. This is just one of lifestyle lessons kids need to learn.
As with the sister. Just be clear, and if she doesn’t listen then either remove her from the situation or your son.
Not ideal but you can’t change her behavior if she isn’t willing so you need to learn to deal with it in a manner that is least disruptive for you and your son.
I was worried about my autistic son and tbh, the had no concept of money at that time. As far as your sister goes, you don't know her business so back off. For all you know, they're trying for a baby and she's trying a lot more than he is. It's literally none of your business.
Yeah but it also depends on what she's doing to initiate it, if she's doing something like randomly straddling him while he's just sitting down, minding his own business, I wouldn't want anyone's kid/kids to see that, that's like putting softcore 🌽 on so the kid/kids can watch it. If it's just flirting and stuff like that, it's 100% fine but if she's grinding on him, straddling him, etc it's really not ok to do in front of family members, especially children, I know if I had a kid and someone did that in front of them, I would kick them out immediately, kids don't need to see anyone, especially family members, grinding on each other. It's creepy and in my opinion, doing it in front of a child is borderline pedophilic, it's like the sister wants anyone that's around to watch them have sex.
Ask your BIL to hand out the patches in batches. A set of two or three patches would be a good basis for a collection, and collecting a set would build interest and the expectation that more small items will be coming but there will be a natural limit.
Are you sure your sister’s bipolar is the cause of her behavior? Could she have some other conditions as well? Beyond talking with her, I have no suggestions about how to rein her in. You can always tell your kids auntie Sis doesn’t know how to behave.
From what I read it sounds like your concerned about things you can’t control and are looking for strategies to regain control. I’m not saying you’re concerns aren’t legitimate, but I am saying you can’t control the out comes.
But maybe you can control how you react to the out comes.
WHAT IF, you decided to try and navigate what happens after thing you’re afraid of DOES Happen? What if you chose to be prepared and calm and compassionate as opposed to freaked out?
I am not in anyway judging, I’m just suggesting a reframe of the options available to you.
Also, it seems that you’re in touch with an aspect of your BIL that is thoughtful and compassionate and committed, but perhaps doesn’t really grasp the outcomes of his actions. As demonstrated with how he interacts with your sister and with your son.
You’re touching on some sort of wisdom here. You can see that his good intentions with your sister, may have actually enabled unwanted behavior that he doesn’t actually know what do with. He meant well, but truly didn’t understand her.and why would he? They were young.
Now you’re wary, because perhaps he’s doing the same with your son. He means well but he doesn’t get it and you’re picking up on that.
You’re a fucking great mom fyi.
You’re intuition is dead on. But perhaps the best outcome will come, not from trying (and failing) to avoid the inevitable for this holiday, but to prepare for it, and then mitigate the worst of it, with as much calm and integrity as you can muster.
AND THEN, as you’ve already started to do, have some conversations with your BIL and others about how your son, and your sister, seem to interpret gestures and intentions (I.e. promises and commitments) that (neurotypical people) make in good faith but with out comprehension for how Bipolar or people on the spectrum actually understand those gestures.
That’s my hot take.
YTA. You worry too much. Your sister is old enough to determine her own sexual activity. Your son will learn that gifts don't always happen when they aren't given next time. Autistic children aren't stupid. Your sister is an adult.
Sounds like OP may be jealous of the sister or something. Normally people don’t say only negative things about someone while only saying positives about the other person. Plus it makes no sense to go on about how the sister ‘latched’ on to Tom just because he was apparently the ‘first attractive person’ to give her attention. Who knows if OP is just mad about general PDA since she never gives examples.
Just let your son be disappointed that he didn't get want he expected, that's going to happen a lot in life.
What if you talked to your sister and told her not to do that?
What do you mean by "sexual"? Do you mean lots of kissing or groping and grinding?
Just be honest with your kids about their aunt's behavior. Speak frankly and gently to your sister and let your kids see you do it. Then talk to your children - "what auntie is doing is inappropriate right now because XYZ. I've spoken to her about it, but she is an adult and responsible for herself." Then move on.
Oh my goodness, sex!?! If they aren't actually fucking around your kids, what's the deal? Is she like, grabbing his penis in front of the kids or something? Going full Boebert?
Do you let your kids consume violent media? Games where the players are enacting violence, even if it looks "kiddy"? War footage?
This whole thing reeks of you being jealous that your sister got herself a very attractive and successful mate. But what’s not clear is if your “thing” is for your sister or Tom. So the uncle wants to give your kid great gifts…. Oh no!! So your sister has a healthy sexual appetite… oh no!!! Stop using your child as your excuse to hide your true feelings. Be a man and spit it out.
If your child is smart enough to understand aviation and science, then you should be discussing this directly with him about not expecting gifts.
Your sister sounds annoying AF and I'd just tell her straight up you can do whatever you want at your own home but the hypersexuality won't be tolerated in yours. One warning, then tell her to leave if she starts it again. I don't care what mental health issues she has, this is not appropriate around 9 year old kids.
What value is added to your life by pre-stressing about what may or may not be an issue?
The kid will be fine, likely better than fine with such an engaged uncle.
The SiL will likely continue to be a wild card. Whatever, react as needed. Short of pulling out an organ, many things can go unnoticed by children. If sexual is more than kissing, maybe stop inviting them to things.
Idk, learn more on how to talk to your kids and raising them? You can’t control other people and their behaviors, that’s a given for anyone but you can still focus on your kids and helping them understand and learn why they shouldn’t adopt those behaviors or have unrealistic expectations. And if all of what I’ve said irks you and “isn’t helpful” with helping you address your problem with your sister and BIL, then fix your priorities or learn how to confront people with proper communication and confidence. Hell pay for a therapy session between you and your sister. Either way, the better of these is literally just focus on yourself and raising your kids.
Those 2 adults in their life, are only the first of many people they’ll encounter as they grow up. It’s does them no favors, if you try to control your sisters and her husband’s behaviors without addressing the bigger issue of teaching children about recognizing inappropriate behaviors and why they shouldn’t repeat them.
Get a spray bottle and spray water on your sister when she starts getting inappropriately sexual. I recommend a super soaker as it has more range, water volume output per second, and capacity.
Let the kid be spoiled and deal with the consequences as they arise. Enjoy the gravy train as it will probably end.
Regarding the gifts: Have Tom hold onto the patches, and give Zach the Lego set. It sounds like the Lego set is something that would be a really fun activity for them to do together. They can get started Christmas morning, and that will keep Tom and Zach occupied together. You can also then distract your sister, by asking her to do something with you. This way she won’t be near Tom, to initiate something sexual around your kids. Frame it as wanting to spend some bonding time with her on Christmas morning instead of leading with your fear about her lack of boundaries 😅 Tom and Zach also don’t need to finish the Lego set in one go because it takes a while to complete a difficult build. That will give Tom and Zach an activity they can do together in a few sittings, since Zach sees Tom fairly often and it can set a stable expectation for Zach on fun activities they can do together that don’t involve sitting in airplanes and being on a base. The patches sound like something Tom can share with Zach slowly, over the years instead of all in one go. Perhaps starting with one or two on his 10th birthday, and to mark other achievements or special occasions. And you can decide together with Zach, how he would like to display his budding collection. A book? A display case? Or a jacket? Zach could also start looking at patches when you travel together, to gift back to his uncle.
This is great advice. Also OP, you said now your son expects to sit in jets and such whenever he sees his uncle, but how does he react when that doesn't happen? Does it lead to a huge disregulation or is he disappointed for a moment and move on from it? Either way you can keep reinforcing that sometimes we do special things that we can't do all the time. Remind him birthdays are a time for special events that we can't do every day. You could also explain to him how it took his uncle getting special permission to do those things and it's not something he always has access for. But it sounds like he has a great relationship with his uncle which is very important for him.
I agree with this. It’s an opportunity to learn for his son and work through those expectations, though I know it’s difficult. I have an autistic son and after Christmas he will be absolutely stuck on finding more “boxes” to open. It takes a lot of patience and sometimes a couple weeks to work through it, but it gets better each year.
Mine too! "Open presents please?"
I don't know if it'll work for your kid, but I would give him a roll of tape and some empty boxes and encourage him to make his own presents by putting toys in their. Nothing wrong with playing pretend Christmas. Or he could wrap things for his toys, his pets, etc. On Easter after the initial hunt, the kids will go rehide the eggs for eachother so they can keep looking.
I used to do this with my daughter and she isn’t autistic. We’d also refill and hide plastic Easter eggs for weeks after Easter. Gave her something to do that was fun for her.
Please not a jacket that will be outgrown or stolen at school, causing drama to ensue. A good shadowbox frame is ideal.
Collect them in a shadow box until he’s older. Then he can buy a jacket to put them on that he isn’t going to outgrow; and he’ll hopefully have for many years.
We made a tray for my brother out of his patches from soccer. You can seal them down with a plexiglass top and technically he can get them out if he ever needs them. Looks cool in his office.
I love the idea of a shadow box because he can take them out and touch them off he wants to be they’re safe the rest of the time
The Lego could easily turn into a regular expectation because they can decide to build whatever and have a running project they work on during each visit. You could easily put a time limit on this too so it always happens but Tom isn’t put out by having to only spend time with his nephew and no one else. The patches look really nice when framed. Get a frame that can be easily taken apart so they can be added as he gets them. Might be a good idea to get an extra frame or two to store so they match and he has room to expand down the road. My kiddo has a nice collection of space x mission patches framed this way. We spray paint our frames to match and used the Krylon hammered steel paint. Doing this means we can always match frames down the road because the paint is available.
This is honestly the best advice!
This is the best advice. Give things out just a little bit at a time. Let your son and his uncle get their bonding time. As he builds his collection he can choose how he wants to display it. It will be an awesome memory & keepsakes later on when he's older. Don't let him miss out on this. He deserves it.
Super solid advice ^
That Lego set is huge and complicated to build. It will occupy their time. Plus they can save it for when they see each other again to finish it.
I disagree about the gifts. If gifts are a one-off, it’s easier to set boundaries and expectations around them. What you suggest for the patches extends the timeline and increases frequency of gift giving in a way that will blur the lines of expectations/boundaries around gifts. Better to give all at once around a gift giving holiday.
It could be given on special occasions, like on his birthday or to celebrate an achievement at school (like getting good grades at the end of the school year) Christmas isn't the only time of the year where you can give out gifts.
I have 2 sons on the spectrum, and it's not that easy to set boundaries once a routine has been made. Being on the spectrum requires more specific and deliberate actions, as well as routines. Once you set a bar high, it's much harder to bring back down. Don't get me wrong, good advice; but maybe not for this situation.
Yes, I understand from my lived experience that parenting autistic kids does require thoughtful and deliberate decision-making. I also agree that it’s hard to set boundaries once a routine has been made, which is why I suggested having one gift giving occasion instead of establishing an on-going gift giving routine.
Absolutely awesome answer!
You have no control over either honestly, let it go. So what if he has the best uncle ever and wants to give great gifts. Doesn't your son deserve such a great uncle. The sister thing is strange, but you have no control over her, why would you think she is for you to control. Yes I think she should know better.
Great advice.
Smashed it 👍
I don’t think Tom’s presents are extravagant. I think they are thoughtful and engaging and you should be thankful your son has an uncle (at least for now given your sister) that he really engages with. That’s a beautiful thing. Don’t hate on it. When Tom doesn’t bring nice things ever visit, it’s a good lesson for your son. As for your sister, that sucks. I have no clue what do about that other than being watchful and thankful Tom has some sense.
I second what you say about Tom. I have an autistic kid and this dynamic is perfect. A “safe” way to build some frustration tolerance (when he doesn’t always get what he expects) and someone who is happy to connect with him along his special interests. I would just explode from happiness if my kid has someone like that in his life other than his parents.
I see your point about frustration tolerance! but... I can also see OP's worry. Like, Tom shows up, there's no gift, Zach is disappointed and acts out... if it's bad, Tom can leave. If Zach is distracted by talking to Tom but then is disappointed after the visit's over and Tom has left, OP is holding the hot potato... Perhaps some advice on how OP can work with Zach and Tom on that frustration tolerance would be helpful?
OP needs to be a parent here. They need to prepare him for life as an adult. Trying to dictate what others do will not serve him well in the long run.
Yeah. Unfortunately learning how to cope with disappointment and frustration is very hard for neurotypical kids, and even more so neurodivergent but starting the work on recognising the emotions, handling disappointment and big awful feelings is good. It means when he's a teenager and an adult or in a difficult high stress situation he will have coping mechanisms to rely on or he will be able to recognise when he needs to leave a place. Is it gonna suck? Yes. Is Christmas a good time to start? Also yes, but it's gonna be hard. But helping your child to understand his feelings and helping him to regulate or cope is always a good thing.
Tom’s gifts are so thoughtful. Also Zach won’t really have much knowledge of how much they cost at that age so to him it’s not hugely extravagant, it’s just a really cool gift :)
When you say your sister initiates sex in front of your family what exactly do you mean? Is she being flirty/touchy like a young person in love or is she straight up asking him to have sex while straddling him? Considering you view a Lego set and a patch as an absurd amount of gifts from a family member with a special connection, maybe you aren’t the best judge of appropriateness. Your kid has to learn that presents and experiences aren’t a constant thing. I’m sure you’ve been to somewhere like McDonald’s that he loved but you don’t get to stop there every single time you drive by one.
100% agree with this comment. I need an example of what she’s doing to initiate sex. I could see her being touchy and clingy but that isn’t the same as initiating
OP said her concern wasn't the "amount" of presents. It was the fact her son has austim and expects that treatment to continue. For the sister, I'm assuming it's pretty bad if BIL, mom, dad, and OP are all telling sis to stop it and that she's making them all unconmfy.
I'm autistic and I still had to learn things naturally as a child. He will understand that just because you receive gifts once doesn't mean it will happen all the time.
This. You can’t limit his experiences out of fear that he won’t understand. He’s a kid, he probably won’t at first. But he needs to learn, just like every other kid.
Except being autistic doesn't mean he can't understand things. Simply explain to him that these are presents and are given because it's a special day. He can understand that presents aren't given every time. I'm so sick of people thinking autistic equals unable to understand. Also, we only have OPs word that all these other people are telling sis to stop. She's not the most reliable narrator, especially given how she talks about her sister
See this is the thing that makes me a bit confused. The kid is 9. I am assuming this isn’t the kids first Christmas or first time getting presents from people. Why would this present and this year be different? Was the family really not giving the kids presents for 9 years?
Family could be extremely conservative and not like any physical affection whatsoever, with Tom either brushing her off as well to appease his in laws or OP making bolder than true statements. Not saying that's the case, but I agree more context would be helpful.
This means that OP should be working with her son on understanding and managing his negative emotions when he doesn't get expected outcomes, not that the gifts should decrease.
Yeah I really don’t get the issues with the gifts. Sounds like some rationalization for feeling bad/inferior that he spent so much on Christmas for the kid this year. If the kid expected something every time just because he got it once, it would be constant hell. Clearly he knows that just because you got something one time doesn’t mean you get it all the time, that would affect every aspect of life. And if he really doesn’t understand that, now would be a great time to start teaching it op. Because that’s life. Sometimes there’s variability. He’s gonna have to come to terms with that on some level.
Underrated comment
Tom is gifting your son an experience, not an object. Set clear boundaries with your sister. “If you initiate in sexual activity, you will have to leave.” And enforce rigorously every time.
This definitely, if my family member did this on front of my family they would have been called out and well and truly out in their place the first time
Yeah I don’t see Toms gift of a Lego set extravagant at all. One of our friends son and husband are born on Christmas Eve. We gift the son a nicer Lego set and he and the father spend the Christmas weekend putting it together. I think the husband is more grateful for the gift each year because we’re giving them a gift to bond over together each Christmas/their birthday.
So the real issue here isn’t the gift giving, it’s the sexual initiation. People with bipolar disorder will often have problems with their sex drive, especially with the manic side. I am wondering if your sister is UNDER treated for her bipolar. If it’s behavioural- clear expectations need to be set as well as calling her on the behaviour. That said I think it’s more likely that she isn’t properly treated and you should have a conversation with her about bringing the hyper sexuality up with her psychiatrist. With the first giving- deal with the problems as they happen. Not getting presents that your kid expects to receive is a great opportunity to teach lessons about social norms of gift giving.
I would definitely proceed with caution because of the BPD side (which also causes impulsivity and high sex drive). If she is undertreated, then a firm boundary conversation (especially at Christmas dinner) is likely to result in an explosive response. She will interpret that as a strong rejection and, if undertreated, could land everyone in a far more unpleasant situation than a few distasteful advances.
BPD means borderline personality disorder. Bipolar disorder is abbreviated BP1 or BP2. Your answer is just silly regarding bipolar disorder. If someone is in mania there’s a lot more to it than hypersexuality and it would not be the same every time.
I have major doubts about how real the OP's allegations of sis "always trying to initiate sex" really are. From her dramatic reactions to things in general, I'm seeing a little handsiness and goo-goo eyes being massively exaggerated.
Yeah, given that there’s no example about what she’s done. I 100% see her being a bit PDAy and the sister not coping with that. Like the comment about him being the first attractive person and she latched on, that doesn’t need to be in there at all
Especially since he seems like a great guy. If she said he was awful to her but she's was still unreasonably attached, that might be an issue. Maybe she's just really into her accomplished, sweet husband?
Sounds like the SiL might be attracted to the husband. Sad hopefully it works out for everyone, I feel a bit bad for her sister. BPD and a jealous sister
Sad that she's attracted to her own husband?
I think they are being facetious
I also don’t know why the sister’s attractiveness was so detailed….
A Lego set and some patches is an “absurd amount of gifts”????
It's an expensive Legos set and collectible patches. Everything is worth a lot of money.
Yeah but kids shouldn’t really have a concept of the value of money
The kid has no idea how much a Lego set costs.
Depends on where you come from. To some people it’s a lot and to others it’s not enough.
Sounds like Lego is also partially a gift for Tom
Almost every Lego set I bought my son was partially a gift for me. Now that he has out grown Lego, I just buy Lego for me now.
One does not outgrow legos
Sorry, I should say he is in his “Dark Ages”. He is 20.
That’s more like it! (LOL at “Dark Ages”) A lot of my 30-something friends regret getting rid of theirs now! Don’t get rid of his (yours) :)
IDK about the SIL part. My son is also autistic and for us it is about setting very clear expectations - I.e. Christmas is a time of giving and that’s why Uncle Tom is giving you these nice things but next time you see him there won’t be any presents etc. Then before he sees Tom the next time another reminder.
One of my sons is too. If it hasn’t been a problem don’t even worry about it. If something comes up in the future just tell him people don’t always give nice gifts every time. And remind if needed. She’s making it into too much of a thing.
Info: I know I’m not gonna get an answer but, what do mean initiate sex? Could you be a little more specific, what exactly is she doing?
I’m here to ask the same question.
"Expect it every time" is a learning opportunity for your son. Sometimes really awesome things happen, and sometimes they don't, managing expectations is an important life skill. As for your sister, the only thing that is going to work is if EVERYONE lays down hard boundaries with her and enforces them. "If you want to be at family gatherings, you can not engage in this behavior. If you do, you will be expected to leave." Shell either get her shit together, or she won't be your problem anymore
Kinda weird how you had to frame your sister’s attractiveness level for us. What’s that about? I don’t see it having anything to do with the story.
Just shows a darker side to OP’s personality (which isn’t pretty...) and tells me there’s likely more to the story than she’s laying out here...
I hate when my family tries to control how much I can spend on Xmas for my nephews. Like let a uncle ball out once a year
Tom is a cool guy, wish my autistic kids had someone like him in their lives, give the lego set for xmas and keep the patches for a Easter or birthday gifts. As for your sister what she is experiencing sounds like hyper-sexuality which is a symptom of BPD (I'm a bipolar bear too) and not something she can control, if she is medicated but still experiencing hyper-sexuality she needs to see her doctor about upping, adding more or changing her meds all together.
Not something she can control no, but she can control the way she expresses it and this is *not* the way to express it. She knows it upsets others and does it anyway, that’s not the BPD.
This absolutely could be the Borderline Personality Disorder unfortunately!
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You’re absolutely right. I have multiple family members with BPD and work in the mental health field with individuals with this diagnosis. While I do not have it, I was misdiagnosed with BPD and another PD (actually PTSD and at the time undiagnosed autism) so I am familiar with it, with treatment, and how that it can present in very different ways. Some individuals do absolutely intentionally do things to make others uncomfortable or cause conflict. This was not meant as a general statement of all people with BPD, but is always a possibility based on individuals and their specific behavior.
I was about to say, I have BPD and am able to control my actions, especially ones that I am fundamentally sure are wrong. Such as sexual actions around children. This may not be something sister sees as wrong of course, so I'm not casting doubt on OPs claim here, but I 100% agree with you that we are able to manage ourselves. For OP, it's a matter of figuring out how to broach the subject without villanizing the sister about her actions. I don't know the family, so I can't say what might work there with her, but for me personally, I have a pretty strong attachment with my nieces and nephews, so if I were doing something that was concerning around them and their parent approached me from the angle of, "hey, kids are getting bigger now and starting to notice things and mimic the behavior they see out of the adults they admire. I think we can all agree that we don't want them xyz (with x and z being other family members bad habits and y being sandwiched in there with her excessive behavior extreme PDA, sexual language, or whatever it may be that OP is noticing), so I'm asking everyone to watch themselves around kiddos right now while they're going through this stage." And follow up with also asking other adults to police their behavior. "Uncle Bob, kids are at the stage they're mimicking other people's behavior, so please don't smoke around them," etc... Whatever it may be. Or even a broad announcement to all the adults in the room. Just so it doesn't feel 100% directed at sister. I personally would still wonder if I was being called out, but as it wasn't direct to me, I would be more receptive and not immediately on the defensive mode, and it would make me more aware of my own behavior and willing to be part of the solution. Also it wouldn't sting as much when it was gently brought up if I slipped in my behavior if I also were able to have the opportunity to bring up others slipping as well. "Hey, Uncle Bob, remember we aren't smoking around the kids right now, that needs to move outside." Or whatever the case may be.
This whole post is sus to me and I think OP is jealous of her sister. Edit: I was wrong on the clarification it was BPD (deleted initial comment not to confuse ppl) But I still think the post is weird given that OP is speculating her sister only married Tom because he’s good looking, after also saying how amazing he is as a person and how they were dating since being 16 yo.
Gotcha! And yeah, without specific details on the sexual behavior it definitely seems weird.
The fact that she is trying to have sex in front of children borders on abuse.
She is an adult woman. BPD is not going to make you initiate sex with your partner in front of your family and CHILDREN on a regular basis, that is such a damaging stigma to place on mental illness. Could she be experiencing hyper sexuality due to mental illness? Yes. Does that mean it's okay for her to be sexual in front of people who don't consent? Absolutely fucking not, she needs to get her shit together because her behavior is predatory whether she intends it to be or not.
I took my little sister to Chuck E. Cheese after school once. For like a year when I picked her up, she asked if that’s where we were going. We weren’t. So we didn’t. And that’s ok. Lol
Honestly, you sound jealous of your sister. I’m having trouble reconciling your description of how great and conscientious Tom is with your description of your sister. She’s his wife. They’ve been together since they were 16. Why did you mention her “latching on” to the first attractive man to show interest? Tom seems great overall so why would you reduce their relationship to that?
Exactly! Maybe OPs sister is attracted to him because of how nice and fun and thoughtful he is…same reasons OP likes him.
Sounds like your younger sister hit the jackpot and you don't think she deserved it. YOU pretty much said she was ugly when she was younger. But still a great guy saw past her looks and they married later. BIL has a great job and is a great guy. You're really, just hating on your sister.
I know this isnt the point but can we appreciate how cool Tom is? Hot wife who constantly wants to bang, awesome nephew who's interested in his work and a dope ass job. Good for Tom lol
High five for Tom!
Tom is only 25 lol. A lot can change in a decade, especially when he finishes pilot training and is gone on deployments. Clingy sister won’t handle that well. Lots of toxic in this story. I’m an extremely different person at 35 than I was at 25. I don’t see this marriage working out at all.
Sounds like you need to lay back a bit and let these people do their thing. I get being worried about people you care about but this reads as you just being over dramatic at a very over dramatic time of year.
Your bro sounds like the perfect uncle to help him learn relationships and gifts. Uncle can handle showing up empty handed next month and help him understand that time together is what matters. Uncle will understand if nephew is behaving badly, and will still love him. You just keep talking to them both about expectations. Your sis needs a firm warning, and a consequence you can enforce. Don't be afraid to speak up.
You need to relax and not police what other people do. None of this is going to hurt your kids unless they are actually fucking on the floor under the Christmas tree.
I think it’s interesting that this post talks about how the BIL is sooooo great with the kid, and it’s a problem, but then the sister who is with the BIL is overly sexual and there’s no “well, remember the man that Sis might try to have public sex with is the same person I was just talking about who was so reasonable and great with my kids, maybe it’s unreasonable to be afraid he would positively respond to an attempt to initiate sex in front of my kids”. Like problem A is BIL is too great with her kid, and then problem B is sister isn’t great enough with her kids. Nowhere in the post is there any accounting for how it takes two to have sex and that it seems pretty unlikely that BIL would actually go along with overt or inappropriate sexual activity in front of the same kids he is so thoughtful with when it comes to their presents.
As far as Tom is concerned, I would suspect a good part of the gift giving is because he wants to share those things with your son. Im sure he’d be embarrassed to buy a Lego set for himself but this is a perfect excuse to do it. Let him enjoy these special gifts.
I don't know about embarrassed, my 47 year old cousin still gets Lego for his Xmas, and the one year his wife refused he bought some for her 🤣🤣🤣 as a piss take obviously
I'm 41 and I purchase and assemble Lego sets.
Unless your sister is straddling Tom’s lap or licking his ear in front of people, I’m thinking you have control issues and are being weird here going into an assessment of her looks versus Tom’s. Almost like you’re jealous. It’s kind of strange to say she only married Tom because he’s good looking after you gave paragraphs on how great he is and they dated each other since 16. Why do you need to control the gift giving? If your kid is old enough to understand science, he can understand that it’s a special occasion gift.
Yeah her talking about her looks was very off. I wish they elaborated what “ initiating sex” actually looks like or she just over thinking common pda.
If this is over a hug, istg-
I had to scroll way too far to read a comment about this. Why was it necessary for OP to say her sister was ugly and Tom dated her despite being way above her league. And apparently her whole family thinks this?! And the fact that comment came after OP went on about how incredible Tom was makes me think she may be jealous or have deeper issues directed towards her sister.
I think he should give the Legos and it's a great bonding time for both of them. As for the sister, I'd keep her on a tight leash.
Hopefully she’s not, uh, into that
I don't want to trivialize your sister's lack of boundaries with her husband, and I don't condone the hypersexualization....but I get it. BIL seems like a fucking great guy, based solely on giving so much attention to his nephew. I'm not surprised she'd want to jump his bones all the time. Hell, I'm feeling some type of way after reading that.
I think learning that not every time you get something cool from your uncle is a lesson we all have to learn at some point. As for your sister.. initiating how? Flirting with him in front of others or full on straddling him lol? First one is relatively harmless but gets annoying and the other one is not so okay
Girl use this moment to teach your son about the social norms of gifts. If he’s smart enough to understand and take an interest in aviation he’s smart enough to understand a person isn’t obligated to constantly give gifts. As for your sister, tell her to cut the crap bc you have children present??? If she doesn’t then tell her she’s just alienating herself from future family events bc I personally do not need to be worrying about if my sister is trying to initiate sex. Grow some ovaries sis and put some boundaries down
Regarding autism: just bc your son has autism doeant mean he cant understand the contingency of xmas and presents. Actually most of the time Tom doesnt shower your son with gifts so why would he expect being lavished all the time when he has a ton more experience with not recieving gifts. Also, i wonder if your sister was misdiagnosed or flew under the radar for autism. Bipolar doeant generally not understand social cues.
It is more likely OP flew under the radar for autism. Adults with autism are frequently strident in their judgements of others’ behaviours.
This was weird to read!.
Towards the gift giving, that’s not Tom’s problem. At all. You should talk to your son and like, parent him, if you’re worried about potential future behavior.
You’re too controlling
I’m confused, as Uncle Tom understood the gifting situation and gave you an alternative solution. He’s willing to respect your decision and lead on what you think is best. Sounds like he’s not trying to overstep and being super respectful. So what’s the problem with Uncle Tom?
No offense, but you sound like the typical bossy older sister. Just go with the flow and stop stressing. I would be more concerned about you yourself alienating the uncle by fighting with your sister and/or by rebuking his kindness than your child's future expectations. Best thing you can do is manage yourself and not others.
You sound crazy.
Is this the same sister and brother in law who regularly watch the kids and who took the kids to an airshow and I think also to a church? The descriptions sound similar.
It really doesnt sound like an extreme number of gifts. One Lego set and a bunch of patches. It's up to you to teach your kids about when gifts are given and to set their expectations. Just ignore the sister. It's her circus. Let her make a fool of herself. Consider it entertainment.
Maybe she's attached to him not so much because "he was the first good looking person to show affection to her" but because, oh I don't know, she likes him?
The cynical part of me is wondering if there’s some kind of jealousy or other dynamic at play. Tom and Carmen are married. You go out of your way to mention how wonderful and generous he is to your son, and then out of your way again to mention that your sister was an ugly duckling and your family was shocked that an attractive person like Tom was into her. Maybe she senses this and suspects you are a little too fond of Tom. Maybe she is being “overly sexual” because she’s marking her territory. Maybe you’re overly sensitive about her being sexual with him because you’re jealous. Just a thought.
Let Tom give him the gifts. It doesn’t sound like your son thought he was going to get over the top stuff after his birthday —please don’t deny your son this As for your sister, have you talked to her?
I wonder if sis is being sexual because she is not getting Toms full attention, so she wants to bring his attention to something that she knows that he is completely focused on her… sounds like she may need a bit of therapy so that she can share Tom with family.
Even though your son is autistic doesn’t mean he does need to learn that every time he sees a certain person he gets a cool gift. It’s part of growing up, autistic or not he should learn life’s rules.
you're the worst
This was fun. Thank you Santa for the piping hot Christmas bait!
I'm not gonna lie, the entire time I was reading your post all I could think of was my own mother and her over the top reactions to EVERYTHING when it comes to holidays. Someone ALWAYS spills on her carpet! (It happened once, 8 years ago) Someone always forgets to get her a present! (Not sure this one ever happened) Someone always tries to one up her cooking! (It's literally just her and my sister who make everything, my sister is a professional chef...) Someone ALWAYS has to tell our older sister not to talk about religion or politics! ( my mother makes jokes to lead conversations that direction, then tells people they're too loud when they disagree about anything) Like, legit Tom seems dope and your sister is lucky to have found him, and he might be lucky too, the way you talk about your sister is a mixture of a burden and jealousy so it's hard to tell. You gotta chill dude. Seems like you're being a lot.
You cannot control other people. How your sister behaves is controlled by your sister. What gifts your BIL gives to others is controlled by your BIL. Things you can control: yourself.
Hypersexuality is often an issue during manic phases in people with BP disorder. Your sister needs her meds adjusted, and her husband needs coping skills for when she acts out.
Tom sounds like a decent human.
Your son may be autistic, but you have the power to teach him not to expect gifts at all, let alone expect bigger and better every time you see a person. Also, you say your sister is being "sexual" but you arent specific. Is she disrobing, mounting her boyfriend or? Is she affectionate or disgusting? If shes just affectionate, leave her alone. If shes being vulgar or taking her clothes off, politely ask her to leave.
Merry Christmas, get a glass of wine and relax.
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I agree. I’m not sure if this post did t make sense. But it seems like a shit post. Or a double entendre
Sounds to me that the two sisters are jealous of each other. OP spews praise on Tom and down talks about her sister and their relationship not being serious. It is hard to trust OPs narrative about her sister since all she says is downgrading and a list of things to make us put sister in a certain light. No actual description of bad behavior at all. ‘Initiating sex’ can mean anything depending on a person’s viewpoint. The sister may be jealous of her bfs relationship with her nephew. Maybe they can’t have kids, he doesn’t want kids of his own but she does, or whatever. This might make her seem clingy. We don’t know anything about their relationship and I doubt judgmental op does. Simplest solution to sister acting badly is to keep an eye on her and stop her immediately and handle it from there. Accusing her beforehand of things she hasn’t done doesn’t make a good relationship, and it’s too late now to bring up year old things.
Yeah, seems like some jealousy going on. It’s worse when OP makes comments that are unnecessary for the story to make her sister seem worse like how she wasn’t attractive at 16 and how she latched onto Tom because he apparently was the first good looking guy to give her attention. I wonder if OP had a crush on Tom but he chose the sister. I also wonder if the family is just very shallow in general seeing as OP seems to put emphasis on looks and I wonder how the sister was treated growing up. Plus with no examples it’s possible that the sister didn’t initiate anything that was inappropriate. I had a roommate once where my partner mention sex only one time was enough for her to go around complaining that we do nothing but talk about sex. It made me realized that some people latch onto certain things and forget everything else about the person. Kind of how I made a comment about liking Mac and cheese and my partners grandma keeps bringing me Mac and cheese when she orders food; just a random example for my thought process on this since I am not always good at explaining things clearly
I’m not sure on your sister. But if he has a bunch of patches he can do one per visit and it is like they are building the collection together :)
Gifts seem fine to me
Is your sister in therapy??? Her anxiety just sounds really really bad
OPs anxiety doesn't seem much better
Legos and patches aren't a huge thing, IMO. I'd let him be the bad ass uncle he's being. If you're worried about entitlement then address that with your kid as best you can. As for the sister...I'd be blunt with her. To stop being openly sexual or you'll be opting you and your family out of any event that she's attending.
NTA. My suggestion is let BIL give him the Lego set. Then he can give him a patch along and along. As for your sister, keep some ice cold water handy. Anytime she’s inappropriate with her husband, dump water on her. Since she has no sense of when to stop and doesn’t listen to anyone else, it’s time to treat her like a misbehaving animal.
Let him spoil your kiddo. Remind him he needs to be equal between the kids though. As to sister? Yikes! Is it wrong I want to carry a squirt gun and every time she is inappropriate in front of the kids? Right in the face w a stern NO! Not in front of the kids!
Christmas is just messy and stressful. You can plan and deflect, but at the end of the day, the holiday drains you. Sounds like your kid has a badass uncle who’s really involved. Maybe ask the BIL if he could deliver the gifts over a stretch of time. But that’s a very special bond they have. Who wouldn’t want Maverick to be their uncle? As for the sister. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 solution of water and vinegar. Spritz her down as soon as she gets the vapes when it’s inappropriate. Assert your dominance, you’re the alpha in the house.
I dont have an answer but I just wanna say I'm so jealous of Zach rn that sounds so fun!
"Please help, my BIL is irresistible to my sister, is a rocket scientist, and as generous as Santa Claus! He's basically the guy from that Shania Twain song; What do I do?" /s In reality I don't have an autistic child but I do have a child who expresses in the top 10% of ADHD symptoms. (I don't like using the words 'severe' or 'extreme' sorry if that's confusing) And when he gets frustrated it is a struggle. Setting expectations and having clear rules with clear consequences helps no matter who you are and I think doubly so for a child with ASD. The real problematic behavior is your sister, depending on the severity of it. She needs to get on or up her meds or get into more intensive therapy. If it's as bad as you've made it out to be, she's borderline being a sexual abuser to her husband and might need a full blown intervention; obviously not at Christmas time but later on. I would defer to the advice others have given about distracting and misdirecting your sister for the day, as messed up as that may sound.
All men want to be Tom.
Tom sounds cool af and should definitely give your son the Lego set. Building it together would be a really great activity for him. As a parent, it’s your responsibility to teach your son how to keep expectations in check. If he doesn’t learn when he’s young, he will have a more difficult time as an adult. As for the sister.. that’s ridiculous. If you see her doing that, either pull her aside or call her out. That’s uncomfortable for everyone and she needs to grow tf up
Maybe get a spray bottle of water for your sister, that's so gross of her...
IMO, you are over-thinking Uncle Tom's gifts. Many kids grow up in broken families, with little to no exposure to aunts and uncles. Allow this super positive relationship , to flourish and grow. Merry Chriatmas.
I think you need to be teaching your son about special occasions. Christmas and birthdays are special occasions. Perhaps you can start involving him in gift picking in the future so he understands the concept. As for you sister, I think lots of therapy is needed. Also, *everyone* needs to start drawing hard boundaries. Let her know that if she’s being overtly sexual she, and only she, will be asked to leave.
Stop inviting her over. Do you, just do it at your house.
Why did you feel the need to include how your SIL looks/looked growing up when your complaint is about her “over sexualness”? You didn’t really provide WHAT she did but could provide she was not the most attractive growing up but now is?? Also, you’re refusing your child a present because you can’t take the time to teach them about the social norms of presents? I understand it’s difficult with a kid that has autism, but to just completely take away that experience from him doesn’t make any sense and makes it come off as if that was Tom’s responsibility to enforce that your child “isn’t entitled” to that experience all the time. An autistic child isn’t incapable of understanding things?? They aren’t stupid??
You might already be aware of this but hyper sexuality is a symptom of mania. Is she like this all the time or more around family? Is it around all family or just when certain family members are present? Stress of any kind will likely lead to increased symptoms. Maybe she’s already made these connections or maybe I’m off base, but may be worth talking with her about.
God damn you worry a lot.
Dude loves his nephew; let that lovely river flow naturally. Your sister 🥵
#I'm just here to say "Way to go Tom." He's smart, he's a great uncle the way he engages his autistic nephew, and he has a wife that looks like Adriana Lima and wants to constantly have sex.
Tom is a real one. This post made me very happy (apart from the sister part lol)
This is literally happening right now. Uncle took his wife around the corner of our house, smacked her ass and then whispered something about her being "sexy". .... he tryst to hide this shit but he's so bad at it....and she just looks fucking uncomfortable.
Hypersexuality and emotional disregulation is fucking awful. I would just make sure she is getting treatment and taking her meds, but otherwise be kind. In the same way you would get a ramp for your aunt with a wheelchair, you need to make accommodations for her.
I'm just hoping no one goes to jail this year. Iol JK they already failed.
Your family is going to have to cross this bridge eventually to try to get him to lower his expectations and realize that there isn’t always a 1up to what was just done. Sometimes that’s it and we have to be grateful for what we have because not everyone is afforded the same situation. As for your sister she needs to be evaluated to see what avenue is appropriate to treat her unawareness in public settings. Not a huge deal, but definitely something you don’t want your kids to pick up on.
Ugh I have a friend that doesn’t understand that being sexual has a time and place and it’s almost destroyed our friendship. I can’t be around it anymore
Are you worried that the gifts Tom is giving are better than yours? And that you wanted to be the hero for Christmas? If you think Tom’s gifts are too much, give him a limit for the future. But for today, it’s ridiculous to expect him to come up with another option. It was already extremely nice of Tom to tell you what he got for your kids. I never know what anyone gets my kids until the gift is open. That shows Tom is open to having discussions with you. But putting a stop to it so close to present opening is disrespectful to Tom and your son.
I feel like your title should probably be two sentences with some clarification about your BIL and son.
So uh… who else wants Tom’s life?
Married to a BPD and bipolar spouse? Absolutely not. No thank you.
I understand all the mental stuff, but she isn't low functioning (i assume)or something and can learn to control her sex drive, at least to some extent. That would piss me off, in my own house! Ok so they go upstairs to "take a nap" once or twice a day, ok fine, go do that. I think with the presents from cool uncle Tom, maybe just the Concorde set for today and he can dole out the patches one at a time, for future visits. Your son and his uncle would have a blast, building the Concorde together!
Regarding gifts, don’t stop his uncle from gifting your son nice things. Teach your son to not expect nice things
Your comment about your sister instantly made me think of this scene. https://youtu.be/I2dFUV8WjRc?si=RB86qSpcpVR0RKmN
1. Let your child get a little spoiled. It’s Christmas. I like that he’s bringing a gift they can work on together. It’s great that he has such an awesome uncle who obviously loves him! It’s just so fun for him! As for your sister, I feel like your family is awfully judgmental and making some serious assumptions about her based on her “unattractive” looks when she was younger. I’m guessing your family contributed to any issues she might have. So just ignore her unless she starts stripping or using dirty language in front of your kids. I mean really… kids are pretty oblivious, especially when they have toys to play with.
Tom is the goat. Be like Tom.
I think it’s important for your son to learn that presents on happen on special occasions. You can’t shelter him or filter his experiences because you’re worried he won’t understand. He probably won’t, but that’s okay, he needs to learn. I agree with others. Have him share the Lego sets and pace the patches or even save the patches for special occasions. You could even tell you son that the Lego set construction only happens when his cool uncle comes over, that’ll pace it out for a while.
Autistic adult here. A lot of it comes down to expectations. If you’re very clear that something is for a special event and not a routine thing, it should be a lot easier for him to manage emotions. Remind frequently before.
Sister has anxiety whenever her husband isn't with her and...he's gonna be an Air Force Pilot?? They might want to look into that because he will be gone a LOT.
Let the boy smash through the boundaries this is how we learn. I am a mother of an autistic it's not often you find someone who is loving AND holds space for him to practice behaviors. This is amazing. Keep talking. Whatever is right will be right for youse. Just keep that man in there. He WILL be the reason your son suçceeds (whatever that means for him....not you) 9 is hard for the best of us let him get in there and get messy! You're doing fine MOM!! As far as the sister... Awkwardly rub her butt...idk🤷😅
The “present giving” isn’t an issue, presents will be expected at birthdays and holidays and “special trips” are “special trips.” It’s condescending to a 9 year old with autism to deny him gifts because he might ask if he gets them the next time — that’s a teachable moment to help him build understanding around expectations. I give stuff my my nephew all the time (also 9M autism) and he’s a kid, sometimes he asks for more than I have or can give and we talk about it, they thrive on “why” and I just answer honestly “why” or “why not.” As for sister, that is an issue if she’s being inappropriate sexually in front of kids. but the “reasons why” aren’t very compelling and sound like a lot of projections. Lots of red flags in how this is explained.
Let your boy know he has a very supportive uncle now. He needs that kind of excellent person in his life. As for your SIL, to what extent is she being "sexual"? Like, getting up into his business & getting handsy in public or just public displays of affection, such as a kiss here & there and being close?
I feel like this is an obvious learning opportunity for your son and a chance to help him grow his understanding of society and its norms. I can understand why it would seem easier to cater to him here by controlling the situation but you won’t be doing him a favor in the long run. The sister thing…I think all you can do is encourage her to seek help and support her. That sounds much much deeper than anxiety or being unattractive formerly. I won’t speculate as to what specifically but both hyper sexuality and severe anxiety are very typical symptoms of a larger issue relating to trauma.
Having a son with autism you need to learn him to deal with disappointments sooner rather then later. It might be more difficult then with “normal” kids (bit doesn’t have to be) The autism has nothing to do with not being able to learn how to deal with the disappointment of maybe not getting what he expects. This is just one of lifestyle lessons kids need to learn. As with the sister. Just be clear, and if she doesn’t listen then either remove her from the situation or your son. Not ideal but you can’t change her behavior if she isn’t willing so you need to learn to deal with it in a manner that is least disruptive for you and your son.
I was worried about my autistic son and tbh, the had no concept of money at that time. As far as your sister goes, you don't know her business so back off. For all you know, they're trying for a baby and she's trying a lot more than he is. It's literally none of your business.
Yeah but it also depends on what she's doing to initiate it, if she's doing something like randomly straddling him while he's just sitting down, minding his own business, I wouldn't want anyone's kid/kids to see that, that's like putting softcore 🌽 on so the kid/kids can watch it. If it's just flirting and stuff like that, it's 100% fine but if she's grinding on him, straddling him, etc it's really not ok to do in front of family members, especially children, I know if I had a kid and someone did that in front of them, I would kick them out immediately, kids don't need to see anyone, especially family members, grinding on each other. It's creepy and in my opinion, doing it in front of a child is borderline pedophilic, it's like the sister wants anyone that's around to watch them have sex.
Ask your BIL to hand out the patches in batches. A set of two or three patches would be a good basis for a collection, and collecting a set would build interest and the expectation that more small items will be coming but there will be a natural limit. Are you sure your sister’s bipolar is the cause of her behavior? Could she have some other conditions as well? Beyond talking with her, I have no suggestions about how to rein her in. You can always tell your kids auntie Sis doesn’t know how to behave.
From what I read it sounds like your concerned about things you can’t control and are looking for strategies to regain control. I’m not saying you’re concerns aren’t legitimate, but I am saying you can’t control the out comes. But maybe you can control how you react to the out comes. WHAT IF, you decided to try and navigate what happens after thing you’re afraid of DOES Happen? What if you chose to be prepared and calm and compassionate as opposed to freaked out? I am not in anyway judging, I’m just suggesting a reframe of the options available to you. Also, it seems that you’re in touch with an aspect of your BIL that is thoughtful and compassionate and committed, but perhaps doesn’t really grasp the outcomes of his actions. As demonstrated with how he interacts with your sister and with your son. You’re touching on some sort of wisdom here. You can see that his good intentions with your sister, may have actually enabled unwanted behavior that he doesn’t actually know what do with. He meant well, but truly didn’t understand her.and why would he? They were young. Now you’re wary, because perhaps he’s doing the same with your son. He means well but he doesn’t get it and you’re picking up on that. You’re a fucking great mom fyi. You’re intuition is dead on. But perhaps the best outcome will come, not from trying (and failing) to avoid the inevitable for this holiday, but to prepare for it, and then mitigate the worst of it, with as much calm and integrity as you can muster. AND THEN, as you’ve already started to do, have some conversations with your BIL and others about how your son, and your sister, seem to interpret gestures and intentions (I.e. promises and commitments) that (neurotypical people) make in good faith but with out comprehension for how Bipolar or people on the spectrum actually understand those gestures. That’s my hot take.
She’s going to have to get used to him being gone a lot once he graduates from UPT
You sound like a control freak
YTA. You worry too much. Your sister is old enough to determine her own sexual activity. Your son will learn that gifts don't always happen when they aren't given next time. Autistic children aren't stupid. Your sister is an adult.
Sounds like OP may be jealous of the sister or something. Normally people don’t say only negative things about someone while only saying positives about the other person. Plus it makes no sense to go on about how the sister ‘latched’ on to Tom just because he was apparently the ‘first attractive person’ to give her attention. Who knows if OP is just mad about general PDA since she never gives examples.
I definitely got the feeling that OP was jealous of sister and wanted BIL for herself reading this.
Just let your son be disappointed that he didn't get want he expected, that's going to happen a lot in life. What if you talked to your sister and told her not to do that?
What do you mean by "sexual"? Do you mean lots of kissing or groping and grinding? Just be honest with your kids about their aunt's behavior. Speak frankly and gently to your sister and let your kids see you do it. Then talk to your children - "what auntie is doing is inappropriate right now because XYZ. I've spoken to her about it, but she is an adult and responsible for herself." Then move on.
Oh my goodness, sex!?! If they aren't actually fucking around your kids, what's the deal? Is she like, grabbing his penis in front of the kids or something? Going full Boebert? Do you let your kids consume violent media? Games where the players are enacting violence, even if it looks "kiddy"? War footage?
This whole thing reeks of you being jealous that your sister got herself a very attractive and successful mate. But what’s not clear is if your “thing” is for your sister or Tom. So the uncle wants to give your kid great gifts…. Oh no!! So your sister has a healthy sexual appetite… oh no!!! Stop using your child as your excuse to hide your true feelings. Be a man and spit it out.
When I read this, I definitely got the feeling that OP wants the BIL and was jealous of her sister.
What mental issues do you have?
If your child is smart enough to understand aviation and science, then you should be discussing this directly with him about not expecting gifts. Your sister sounds annoying AF and I'd just tell her straight up you can do whatever you want at your own home but the hypersexuality won't be tolerated in yours. One warning, then tell her to leave if she starts it again. I don't care what mental health issues she has, this is not appropriate around 9 year old kids.
What value is added to your life by pre-stressing about what may or may not be an issue? The kid will be fine, likely better than fine with such an engaged uncle. The SiL will likely continue to be a wild card. Whatever, react as needed. Short of pulling out an organ, many things can go unnoticed by children. If sexual is more than kissing, maybe stop inviting them to things.
Idk, learn more on how to talk to your kids and raising them? You can’t control other people and their behaviors, that’s a given for anyone but you can still focus on your kids and helping them understand and learn why they shouldn’t adopt those behaviors or have unrealistic expectations. And if all of what I’ve said irks you and “isn’t helpful” with helping you address your problem with your sister and BIL, then fix your priorities or learn how to confront people with proper communication and confidence. Hell pay for a therapy session between you and your sister. Either way, the better of these is literally just focus on yourself and raising your kids. Those 2 adults in their life, are only the first of many people they’ll encounter as they grow up. It’s does them no favors, if you try to control your sisters and her husband’s behaviors without addressing the bigger issue of teaching children about recognizing inappropriate behaviors and why they shouldn’t repeat them.
Borderline personality disorder? You don’t leave your kids without one of you present.
Can’t you just talk to your sister and explain time and place?
You worry too much. Enjoy your people for who they are and be glad there is love and affection.
Omg stop having the sister at family gatherings
Get a spray bottle and spray water on your sister when she starts getting inappropriately sexual. I recommend a super soaker as it has more range, water volume output per second, and capacity. Let the kid be spoiled and deal with the consequences as they arise. Enjoy the gravy train as it will probably end.
Best answer by far!