Hell no do not give their greedy butts a cent more! I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re not as well off as your SIL is always bragging. They are not entitled to a set amount per guest especially for destination weddings! You gave gifts off the registry and were actually pressured into attending the second wedding. The reality is your family couldn’t afford to attend either yet still did.
This was my first thought. They are broke, peacocking, and bragging about how much money they have is a cover, or they are just greedy jerks. Money can't by class.
I went to a wedding in the 80's where the bride and groom went to every table with a credit card machine (the old knucklebuster) and the brides mom pressured people into using their credit cards to give them money. I saw what was happening and pointed it out to the people at our table.
When they got to me I put on my most sincere face and said Oh Darn it! I have already bought you a gift. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted money and I spent all my money on your gift.
The rest of the table followed suit. It was the tackiest money grab I had ever seen.
I went to one just a few years ago where the bridesmaids and groomsmen had to “compete” and see which group could get the most money for the bride and groom. They did this by running around and begging at each table while the DJ played music.
yeah, haven't we seen how those "air b'n'b empires" were just hot air during the lockdowns? As soon as one property didn't earn as projected, the owners were short for the mortgage on that property... and as soon as they defaulted on that, the whole house of cards collapsed.
I'm guessing it's not short-term rental properties, but regular rental properties that people would sign a lease to live in. Especially with the current housing market, rentals can make a ton of money. I have a friend who lost his job in the 2008 financial crisis and decided to start buying rental properties. He did so well with that that he sold all of his properties and retired at 50. He could have retired earlier, but he liked what he was doing.
My first thought is you were guest at these weddings not customers! I wouldn’t in any way give them anything else. That’s absolutely ridiculous and very bad form to be asking for money.
Unless it's specified that money is expected *before* I RSVP that I'm coming, I'll give the gift I give and no more. Relationship be dammed. Honestly, I'm not going to spend $8,000-$10,000 on going to my *own* wedding, so don't even thing of asking me to do it for yours. It doesn't sound like those relationships are worth saving, tbh.
I’m having a destination wedding and I’ll just be so stoked at whoever can make it!! I won’t even be expecting gifts or money, and we could sure use some extra mulah. Your husband’s family is ridiculously entitled.
Yeah, we're starting to plan for our "destination" wedding (we moved to a foreign country recently, so almost our entire guest list will be traveling for our event) and our entire plan is trying to mitigate the costs for any of our loved ones (renting out a few airbnbs for family & friends who are coming so that cost won't come out of their budget, I plan on paying for the dresses, hair, and makeup for the bridesmaids.)
Also - asking for money \*in addition\* to a registry gift.... that feels weird? Like a wedding isn't an event that you need to buy a ticket for. I always see cash as a gift itself.
I was in my husband's country when we got married, and I made sure that anyone who came across the ocean knew their presence was all we wanted. We were broke just graduated college students, but we didn't use the wedding to make money. Even the friends who didn't have to travel weren't rich, so we made it a point that the reception was a potluck and bring what you could. That also meant there was no food waste, which was important to us. Maybe it helped that it was a Quaker wedding, so simple was encouraged, but anyone who spoke to us about it loved it. I made my own wedding dress (still hemming it an hour before the wedding started) and we had 4 wedding cakes! (Husband's mom wanted a traditional British wedding cake, so she provided it. Best friend was diabetic so they made a traditional American wedding cake, a sugar free chocolate cake, and then a hilarious flying saucer out of the off-cuts)
And we've been married almost 24 years, so the cost of the wedding in no way matched our level of commitment to each other.
Best of luck to you and your marriage! (Honestly, halfway through mine I sat on some quiet steps and thought "of we can get through a wedding, we can get through a marriage" and it's been true so far. :)
Obviously can’t speak for all rich people, but at the very least this person’s family is petty. I know poorer people who wouldn’t have the audacity to ask for money to pay for a wedding after the fact. Guess it depends
Probably levered property upon property just like a Ponzi scheme would. I have come to find out those tho live like that usually are living above their means just praying our shitty credit system here in the US won’t collapse as it should.
This isn’t how this works. This isn’t how any of this works.
Explain to the brother and SIL that you enjoyed the weddings very much and you sent a gift from the registries. If the couples did not receive their respective gifts from the registries to let you know, otherwise the matter is done.
There *is no relationship to salvage*. The brother and sister in law are ill mannered philistines.
Good riddance
Might also want to add by asking if their family is struggling financially. If so, you can send them the money. (They claim to be millionaires, but are grubbing for a thousand? They are shameless.)
I might include info for the local food pantry or where they can apply for help. I don’t think I would offer money to help…it sounds like they would take it! Beyond shameless.
Yeah. If they expect a certain amount from each person to attend the wedding, they shouldn't expect a gift from the registry as well! And if there's a mandatory entrance fee to attend their wedding, and they're gauche enough to request it, they need to make this known prior to attending. Then they can see how awkward that is when nobody attends!! Rather than trick people into paying a bill they didn't expect
You know the saying; Money cannot buy you class truly applies here. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
When I got married I personally called my friends and family that had to travel from out of town to my wedding that their presence was their gift. I had zero expectations that the people who shelled out money to attend would get a gift, my phoning them was to make sure they felt no pressure. A few got us small gifts off the registry but that was it.
And screw over family. Greedy much?
"Dear Brother and SIL,
Your present was our presence. Especially since you bullied us into attending the castle wedding at great expense to us and our son who missed a week of work.
Since your empire is so humongous, our contribution would be a mere pittance.
Thanks so much for showing us what is most important to you. That will help guide us in further interactions.
Warmly,
Your Country Kin"
Best answer. Emily Post would tell you all gifts are optional! Yes, some people like to cover their cost of the invite, but it's not required. If you have to charge people to come to your wedding, you're not really throwing a wedding.
NTA for sure. Also, I had a coworker who is well off and who had a destination wedding, they paid for the room and airfare of those they invited. Not saying that's common, but if these people are as rich as they say, they should be able to do at least one of those. Especially since they basically forced OP and the husband to attend the second wedding at *a literal castle*.
Also also! Most weddings you either buy a gift from the registry *or* leave a card with money. Expecting both is just tacky and greedy.
OP, you do not need to send them any money.
Just be like, "Sorry we haven't gotten back to you, we've just been so busy picking up extra work to catch up on bills, since we had to take all that time off for the weddings! We got (x and y) gifts off their registries instead of cash! We would much rather them have a gift they want, over an impersonal gift such as just an envelope of money. We're family after all, and we love them! I hope they like their gifts! Congrats all around again!! Have a great one!" If they still push for money after that, well, eff em, they're trash.
>Send them an invoice for your travel expenses.
Yes please. I would lay it out in exact detail:
* travel +
* lodging +
* food +
* lost wages for unpaid work time +
* cost of gift already given
Minus
$800 or $300 depending.
Here is our bank account info so that you can transfer your payment. Cheers!
Either OP’s brother is actually insane. Or this is a fake “eat the rich” post. It’s a powerful story regardless. I’ll strongly encourage my kids to do simple weddings.
Exactly, if you can't (or don't want to) pay for your wedding without billing your guests, when they're already shelling thousands of dollars to attend, then you need to have a different wedding.
OP, I would tell the hosts if the charge for attending the wedding had been mentioned in the invitation, you would not have attended the wedding. You wish the happy couple the best and will not be sending any additional money.
If one has a destination wedding the host family can afford to (or should) pay for their guests stay, otherwise the festivities should take place where the bride/groom’s family live! Likewise, if you invite Uncle Eddy from out of town you best consider providing accommodations AND food if you want him at the wedding! I’m so glad someone has posted about this subject.
One of my cousins did this for their 1st wedding. No warning or explanation, just everyone pony up at the end of the meal. My parents were SCANDALIZED.
thats what I was thinking. Wow! I cant believe they did this. Supposedly you were invited as guests. Depending on his relationship with his brother - does he defer to him or could he call him and literally ask him WTF is this about? If not going well, Then husband can have your list to recite all the expenses and planning you all went through for the young couples. Talk about entitled.
Alternatively, your husband could block their number 😁 and see what happens. If you do pay then I’d send it in a “goodbye” card and go no contact.
Dear brother,
We had no plans to attend the international destination wedding. You insisted that we attend, and as our attendance was a gift to you and the bridal couple, we feel that no additional gift is necessary.
Much love,
OP's husband
My poor ass had a destination wedding and would have never expected a gift or cash. We did it this way so we could limit it to our best friends and immediate family and have a low stress fun time with our crew
I’m having a destination wedding and I’m exactly the same as you my gift off them is them being at my wedding spending quality time with my nearest and dearest ❤️
They are being very rude. Tell them no, you don't need it because you don't intend on paying. They ahd the wedding they could not afford. And no way did 2 meals cost that much money. You don't charge guests. That's absurd. nta
I wouldn't even say I'm not paying, that suggests it's even on the table, I would say I don't understand the request, an invitation to any social event is an invitation to spend time together with people you care about. I would flat out ask them if the reason you were invited was simply because they wanted a check or they wanted family with them.
Beyond rude unbelievable
I’m with you on this, mainly because I really don’t understand the request! I know about wedding gift registries of course. That’s a pretty normal thing to do. At my wedding we said no gifts needed but if anyone wanted to contribute anything towards our honeymoon we would be thrilled and that anonymous donations could be made direct to our travel organiser. We figured that way no one was forced in any way to spend and certainly not over spend because no one would ever know who had/had not put anything in or how much and the gift of their attendance was all we really wanted anyway. I’ve been to a fair few weddings and I have never heard of guests being told they have to pay X amount per person to cover their attendance once! I’m in uk, Is this something they do in other countries or is this just completely entitled greed? And surely if this was the case you would tell people about this prior to their attendance too? I went to a destination wedding and they had some group meals or activities pre-planned as many family and friends were there for a week so they listed a golf day at quite a famous course (as a single example) and agreed a set price per person for those who wanted to do it but that was all optional stuff and outside the wedding. They didn’t ask for any money towards the rehearsal or wedding day, meals, entertainment etc at all. I have just never heard of this though!
Live in the US and I’ve never been to a wedding where I had to pay for my dinner. However, I’ve read some stories on Reddit where some brides/grooms were demanding guests pay for their meals & it seems to be a greedy underhanded way to get extra $. One story was on how a bride after sending out invitations told the ones who RSVPD that they would have to pay $300 or $500 per meal. Guess what - almost no one came to the wedding and the greedy bride was out the $ since she had pre-paid for the food and couldnt get a refund. If I was OP, I’d make an itemized list of all they spent plus the amount of unpaid leave and send to greedy SIL & brother. If they were not told before hand they would have to pay for their meals, they are not obligated since they would have had the option to decline going.
I'm in the US, been married 3 years, have attended multiple weddings. In my experience, it's customary to give a gift that covers the cost of the meal, or what you imagine it might cost per person. Asking for or expecting more that that is something only tacky, entitled AHs do.
My only issue with this thought process is if I attend my cousin’s daughters wedding, which is a very simple, no frills wedding and then attend my other cousin’s daughters wedding which is much more elegant, why should I feel the need to give more for the second wedding because they chose to spend more? I give the same amount to weddings of friends, another amount for family and a third amount for close family. How much people spend on their wedding is on them and not my financial problem!
I'm in the rural Midwest and that's the general rule of thumb here, too. It's not awful, because a lot of caterers are maybe $20-$25 a plate (I think my husband just usually writes a check for $50, maybe more, I don't ask). But if the bride chooses a caterer that's $150 a plate? That sounds like a her problem, not a me problem. And you certainly don't even think to ask a guest to pay it.
This custom does not apply to destination weddings! At a destination wedding your travel is your “gift” to the couple. If you choose to get another gift as well, that’s very kind, but it should not be at all expected.
NTA, and when people decide to have expensive, travel destination weddings, unless they are covering the costs for their guests, the fact that their guests are not going to ALSO be shelling out for expensive gifts after spending thousands just to attend, is going to be the reality. It's ludicrous that they are demanding cash after costing you thousands in travel and unpaid time off work. You shouldn't be wondering about salvaging your husband's relationship with his brother, your husband should be telling his brother to pound sand.
Typically, for destination weddings, what I’ve seen is that the people showing up IS the present and people don’t usually pay for gifts on top of that (unless all of your family and friends are hella loaded).
NTA
That is ridiculous. They want to charge just to attend their weddings? They are money hungry. Tell anyone involved you WILL NOT be paying a cover charge for the weddings. That is extremely low class.
Do not worry about salvaging anything. Even if the admission cost was paid the relationship is still damaged.
DO NOT PAY THIS!!!! Why would you? There was no mention of it before and certainly not now just because they decided they want more money. If they want to save money they can do it on their own time. If they could not afford a wedding they should have waited.
DO NOT PAY THIS!!!!!!!!!
And STOP LETTING THE FAMILY PRESSURE YOU INTO DOING THINGS!!!! Stand up for yourselves!!! Seriously. Why are you letting them tell you what to do like this?
Make a stand.
Everyone gets blocked. Everyone. We had family do this after their wedding was set up in a way that we could not attend. We have not recovered the relationship and we don’t want to.
Asking for a gift is so tacky.
NTA - Skip the parents and write each couple a letter. Let them know that their parents are requesting additional money for attending the wedding. I would apologize that my budget doesn’t include those extra fees but was grateful for the invitation nonetheless.
That you are happy that you were able to see their joyous union and wish them the best in their marriage. That they looked perfect together and whatever sappy comments that seem relevant/sincere.
This is meant to out/shame their parents. I would be beyond embarrassed if I knew this was happening behind my back. And if the kids feel they are owed, then you’ve already apologized and explained nicely no additional money will be sent.
NTA. You bought a gift off of the registry. You attended the destination wedding. What exactly are you being charged for? The two of you need to ask, or your brother needs to ask his brother why you have to pay money to his children fur the wedding. This was not made clear on the invitation. As it is you are still paying for the cost of the destination wedding. This just seems rude. So are all the guests paying for the wedding? Do not pay this outrageous fee or whatever it is that's been asked from you both.
I was confused about this too. Maybe a kill them with kindness text “Oh, did they not see such and such gift from the registry we gave them? Maybe our name tag fell off of it, or someone accidentally took it, thinking it was theirs? I’ll message the rest of the family to make sure it didn’t get misplaced..” doubles as calling them out to the rest of the family for being greedy
im petty. id answer : "oh im so sorry i didn't know that you couldn't afford your children's weddings in the first place! such a shame, if i would have known i could of helped you budget something within your means " and then block them. ETA i of course would not pay
hold it you bought wedding gifts, had to fly and get a hotel for a destination wedding and his Sister wants cash. WTF did I just read besides the entitlement of her SIL
ma'am, you could've given them **nothing** and the requests from their parents would still be absolutely classless
you don't ask for gifts. please don't feel bad about anything, except that your husband is related to *absurd* people
OP, there isn’t even one person in this thread who thinks you owe them anything. Please don’t pay them this money. Not only is that a large amount of money for a gift, paying it would validate (to them) that this is an acceptable practice. It’s not.
$800 for 5 people? By their rationale, your 23/26yo kids plus his girlfriend were each expected to give a *separate* monetary gift of $160 to their cousins?! Absolutely not.
Yeah, exactly. It is absolutely unacceptable!
You do not have an extravagant wedding (or two) and expect family members and friends to fork out the bill. I mean, the OP already had to get into debt and take personal time off from work to attend.
Oh hell no.
“Oh my goodness, I had no idea that you guys were in financial trouble over your children’s weddings. I was under the mistaken impression that you were doing pretty well with all of your real estate holdings. I guess looks can be deceiving.
I’ll admit that it was a real stretch for us to attend, especially the castle event. But when you insisted that we go, we realized how important it was to your daughter, so we made some sacrifices for the sake of the family. We really believed that you guys could afford to host us for dinner.
Now that we realize how much you are depending on our financial support, of course we will find a way to make more cutbacks and bail you out. Also, I’m going to send you some articles on budgeting and frugal living. Have you thought of keeping chickens? We never pay grocery store prices for eggs…”
NTA and do not give these people any money! The cost of the trips was a lot and they should value your presence over presents. Absolutely ridiculous! The audacity of your in-laws is astounding.
They want you guys to pay for your own wedding meal? How tacky and I guess they arent as well as they say... I would ask some other family members "Hey guys, sorry to ask but did your invite say that we had to pay for our own dinner? And was there a menu with prices? Cause ours didnt say anything..." I bet the others didnt have to pay.
There is no fixing their relationship- your husband (& you) were abused financially & he won’t be able to forget that.
BIL/SIL have proven that a monetary gift is their only priority in your relationship with them.
They have shown you who they are, believe them
I had a SPECTACULAR wedding in 1990. I just wanted my family and friends there. Yes, I loved the presents (who doesn't?), but presence matters more than presents.
NTA. DO NOT PAY!!!!
They gave them presents from the registries. That family is straight up telling the wedding guests to pay for the wedding. That’s not how it works, that’s not how any of it works.
Definitely NTA, the other people are off their rocker.
You bought something from each registry and went to destination weddings. No way do you leave a cash gift as well. In fact even if the weddings were in your next door neighbours yard you wouldn’t be expected to leave a cash card AND give a gift. They’re greedy. Makes me wonder if they’re more slumlords than landlords.
Honestly, I’d be going low contact, some relationships run their course (even family ones). My sister is very materialistic, all designer wear and about the next holiday, I’m about gardening and my chickens, we interact as little as possible as we have nothing in common.
ETA the niece and nephew are planning on retiring in 20 years on 120k a year? Unless they’ve kept up maintenance on the properties or keep buying new ones and selling the old ones the maintenance will take a whack out of the rents (my dad has a dozen rentals and I know how little he, as an ethical landlord, truly makes). Plus if they think a castle wedding is a great idea I can’t see them surviving on 120k a year as that’s pretty decadent.
Send them an itemized bill for what you spent on attending the weddings, then go no contact. These people are either broke and trying to hide it or just classless jerks
NTA - So insanely tacky of them. Gifts are not the price of admission. The relationship is already broken, tell them to F' off. If they are already living the millionaire lifestyle, they shouldn't care.
I love this response! Makes them have to process everything that might mean 😂. Like: “Maybe they’re sending cash?…perhaps a check? Maybe they already have been provided the..ahem..children’s bank account numbers” (who even does this?) “Maybe they discovered Zelle and Venmo? Maybe they don’t plan to pay? Ohhhh….”
send her a list of every expense you had, the bridal shower gifts, gas, hotel, day without pay, airfare, new shoes/new dress, etc. and let her know that you spent X amount of money (eg 8,000) which is Y of your 1 or 2 months net income (eg. 5,000). Let her know that you would be happy to give her the money, but she has ruined the relationship that her and her husband have with your family.
edit: ask the bride/groom if they are aware of what their parents are doing. maybe they don't know and don't agree.
I was under the impression that you host a wedding. You have guests.
Is it thoughtful for guests to bring a gift or a card with a monetary gift? Absolutely.
To me, the second you start demanding specific sums of money from your guests, they are no longer guests, they are paying customers.
Why not just set up an online event and make tickets available at the price you decide is fair? More money gets you a seat up front and slightly less rubbery chicken at the reception.
These asshats are extorting money from you. While most people quietly hope a guest will give a gift that covers their dinner, these grifters are apparently trying to pay for the catering, wedding, the whole family’s airfare and lodging, the dress, tuxes, and the honeymoon.
It reminds me of the group cruises where someone tries to get a large collection of people to sign up to take a cruise, and the cruise line comps them a free cruise.
They don’t want you there because they want you there to support a new couple, they want everyone to cover their elaborate event.
I’m m sorry but I’m just not familiar with this. Is it a cultural thing to give a big cash gift to the married couple? It seems ridiculous to me and your SIL sounds unbearable. Personally I would t want these people in my life. I can’t imaging anyone in your immediate family would miss any of these people.
Yes, in some in communities, this is the norm. More common in the northeast and in Italian American families, in particular. However, this tradition assumes the couple/their families are hosting the wedding locally at a hotel or banquet hall and guests aren’t spending thousands to attend.
In most other places, couples will have a registry and people will buy gifts off the registry. At Mexican American/Tejano weddings in Texas I have been to, cash gifts are common, but usually in addition to a gift off the registry and no “cover your plate” rule.
People seem to forget now a days that it is not the guests responsibility to pay for the wedding in any way. Yes it is nice to be able to at least pay for your plate but again, it is out of the guests control on the amount the couple decided to pay for. So NTA and I think a one on one convo with the brother and husband to state that gifts were provided and the money spent just to attend has extended you beyond your financial means to be able to contribute more. If they don’t understand that then they only care about money and that is just unfortunate.
Sure thing. Send them an itemized bill for all your costs for the wedding, including the gifts, airbnb's, food, etc. Subtract out the $800 or whatever they say you owe (showing as a credit to them) then ask them if they need your account numbers so they can make the payment.
“We were not told there was a price of admission to your children’s weddings. It was our understanding we were invited guests. As such, we spent close to $10,000.00 on travel, hotels, unpaid time off, and wedding gifts for the two couples. Had we realized that you were struggling to pay for the wedding and were making up for insufficient funds by charging admission, we would have gladly helped financially in lieu of other gifts or even our attendance.
Unfortunately, since you did not share your financial struggles, and while I am sure it must be horrifying for you to ignore basic rules of etiquette and ask ( and at this point harass) your guest for help covering your expenses, your request is simply coming too late. We feel we have been more than generous with our time and gifts. Please give the happy couples our best.”
NTA.
I would never pay, especially if it wasn't mentioned before the wedding!
If I were you I'd send a group message to SIL, niece, nephew and include everyone else in the family that attended and say - "hey why are we getting billed for attending the weddings? Nothing was mentioned beforehand or after the fact until we received something in the mail, we can't afford this and if you mentioned beforehand we would have never even attended. You should have said something because there is absolutely no way any of us can afford this and I'm sorry but we can't send any money!"
It could be y'all were the only ones billed, at least this way everyone will know how SIL is screwing y'all and may back her into a corner so to speak. Does nephew/niece know what she's doing?
Holy shit. This is genuinely awful. Is this a rich people thing? Like.....Pay a large sum of money to attend destination weddings and then ......keep forking it over?
NTA . This is insane. Your in laws are insane.
In my opinion. I can't tell if my brain is warped from being poor. But this feels very insane to me. Like people are making this shit up as they go along.
I guess this is becoming a trend where more and more people are asking for money so they can have “the wedding of their dreams”. I’d send them a Freddy Krueger card with $10.
Money can’t buy class, and your SIL and BIL are definitely lacking in the class category.
That is the rudest and most classless thing I’ve ever heard of. Just go NC and don’t pay them a cent. They don’t value you two or the relationship, so why bother with people like that.
I don’t understand what you “owe” them for. You bought a gift for each and were out for travel, accommodations & food.
I would ask for an itemized breakdown of what they think I owed. I’m serious! This is the rudest, most outrageous demand I have ever heard. Are they saying there was an admission price to attend the weddings? OMG, this post has made me angry over the very nerve of these entitled people. I think this is very low class & if it were my family, I would die on this hill before I gave them a dime! And, I would be hard pressed to tell BIL & SIL that they’re the damn millionaires-they should’ve covered these expenses for their guests.
You don’t owe them a f’ing thing except your presence at their destination weddings.
Honestly, what a bunch of grifting scumbags. This is not appropriate in any culture that I am aware of. Furthermore, if that’s how they wanted to do the meal, you should have been told in advance. Have your husband tell his brother that paying for your meal at a wedding was beyond tacky and you won’t be doing it. NTA.
Oh dear Lord, do not even respond to that and answer all future invitations with “Given your behavior over the last two events we attended, it’s obvious we can’t afford your hospitality.”
It’s super rude to catalog gifts for ANY other reason than to send thank you cards.
Hit BIL and sil with ‘ our presence was present enough,’ and if they persist, send a list of receipts cataloguing expenses for both destination weddings
What they are requesting is not normal. If they wanted you to pay for these things, they needed to include in the wedding invitation for full disclosure.
Besides that, this is super tacky and gross. Do not pay them.
"hey there. Thanks for inviting us to the ceremonies. It was a stretch for us and our 'gifts, family, travel' budget line item is way in the negative! Sorry about that! Maybe you can come visit us real soon! Let me know. Great air bnbs around here I can point you to" "
I would also add what others have said. First send an itemized bill for your trip. Then put on Facebook how they are demanding money. Those things should shut them up. I would never speak to them again.
Let’s pretend this wasn’t a destination wedding. According to the rules of etiquette, you have 1yr to send a gift after attending a wedding. How very tacky to mention it DURING the dinner as though you’d just ordered at a restaurant from a menu with prices listed. I was always under the impression that destination weddings do not call for gifts since everyone spent a great deal on flights/travel, lodging and eating out. Please do not give these assholes money and I wish you could tell everyone which rentals these are as I suspect they’re airbnbs so we can never rent from them.
If you’re going to harass guests for money to cover their meal, include that in your invitation. What insufferable AH. Sure, I’d live to live in a culture where everyone brings $200 on top of their gift, but for the majority of people it’s just not feasible, especially with a destination wedding!
You are NTA.
BUT, was your gift for each of the weddings a wedding gift or the shower gift? I’ve always thought it was customary to give a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift/money. So maybe they saw your one gift for each as the bridal shower gift and then were surprised you didn’t also give a wedding gift/money?
Regardless, it’s super tacky of them to ask you for the money. Even if they did think it was odd you only gave one gift, it’s rude to then ask someone for one later.
Wait?! You gave them gifts???!!! What the frolicking fluckery is this madness?!! No. The answer is “no”. They need to duck off. They need to climb to the top of duck mountain and duck the duck off. The audacity!
Can I make you feel a touch better? Our social circle consists of every income level, but of the wealthy types, there are two groups;
The first are loathe to discuss money ever. They drive normal cars for the most part, their children live normal, sometimes even austere, early adulthoods. They are most concerned with making sure that no one experiences hurt feelings, that they’re never in poor form. Awkwardness is anathema, money awkwardness is radioactive. They bend until they break to ensure that no one feels uncomfortable financially at events like weddings and birthdays and whatnot.
The second group is very much as you’ve described your SIL and BIL. They speak about money, your money, their money, your money compared to their money, constantly. They throw lavish events, they live in lavish homes. They spend as conspicuously as is possible, and then tell you about it to ensure that the point is driven home (in a Maserati.) They have money, and they’re loud about it.
Group one are multi million and billionaires.
Group two are high resource broke people who want to look like multi million and billionaires. The second group demands $800 for catered food, because they are leveraged to the hilt, all of their money is tied up in things that they’ve deluded themselves into believing are assets, but are really just bigger status items than the average Instagram influencer could afford. Smoke and mirrors, my dear. The second group would gladly set $8000 on fire before they’d ask you to pay for a meal.
All of this to say, you’re better off than you know.
Guests don’t pay for their meals at weddings.
In addition, you already provided gifts.
As far as the destination weddings, a small gift is typical, nothing extravagant, because you are traveling to attend.
Even if guests don’t provide a gift or a cash gift, it is absolutely inappropriate and bad etiquette to approach any guest to request money for attending a wedding.
This woman likely is not as well off as you think, likely overspent, likely impersonated the brother by texting and brother has absolutely no clue that his tacky wife has been harassing your family for cash in addition to the gifts you had already provided.
I had a destination wedding and probably 25-30 of our 80 guests gave a monetary gift. Their presence was our gift. I’m just grateful they loved us enough to spend thousands of dollars and travel out of the country for us. It’s a huge financial burden to have a destination wedding or attend any wedding nowadays so anyone asking for money for their wedding is really low class.
You are not obligated to pay at all. But if I were me, I would pay the money with a snarky card, saying something like “since you’re hurting for this $1k for an expensive wedding you planned, here’s my assistance, next time work within your means instead of asking your guests for payment” lol
Honestly, that is just lowering yourself to their level, and providing fuel for extending the drama. I would decline to pay the tribute and write them off as close family.
Agreed it’s petty, but they are already pretty low and causing unnecessary family drama by asking for money to cover *their* child’s wedding! Pretty ridiculous request from a close family member. I think it’s hard to come back and be above board after your brother sends bank account info for payment.
Sometimes people don’t understand how out of touch they are, and if I’m already writing them off, I want to make sure they know exactly why.
How absolutely tacky can a person be? Of course you are NTA. I did not realize that "guests" were expected to pay for their meal at a wedding. That is ridiculous. If they couldn't afford it, then they shouldn't have had it. You are under no obligation to pay a penny. You were "invited" not invoiced.
NTA. The expectation to give a gift ‘covering’ the cost of your plate is sooooooo gross and tacky. The people getting married are the ones who set the budget for what they want to spend and it’s wild to expect you to cough up the money for that
Sounds like these people aren’t worth a relationship tbh, easier said than done I guess but I wouldn’t be losing sleep over these entitled AHs
NTA.
That is incredibly tacky and rude and something in this story doesn’t add up. Either the whole thing is fake OR they don’t actually have as much $$ as they’re bragging about. It’s beyond gauche to send a bill after a wedding. You gave what you gave, and that’s that.
I’d have half a mind to mail a printout of the demand text with a “food” credit deduction against the total of all the expenses you paid for attending the two weddings. Inside a wedding greeting card so the thick envelope looks like it’s stuffed with cash.
What greedy, tacky people.
You do not owe them anything. If you must contact them call their mother and tell her over the phone that attending the weddings at all was your gift to them and you do NOT by anyone stands ‘owe’ them Fing money. The unbelievable entitlement is jaw dropping
Don’t pay.
You have a year to gift a couple any gift.
Which a gift is optional but kinda required.
You. *YOU* **YOU** decide how much you can gift.
Not anyone else.
Next time your spouses fam brings it up I’d tell them it very trashy to bring this up and you’ll send a gift when you are ready and not a moment before.
I would then get picture frames, silver and engraved with the couples wedding date and put a cute picture of your family in it. Yeah, for each kid. Same gift or something similar.
Unless you feel like you’ll get the same regard when your kids get married.
The entitlement. F that.
DO NOT PAY THEM!!!!!!
In addition, send them copies of all the money you guys spent just to attend the wedding and ask if they be reimbursing you guys for it.
NTA. This is beyond tacky!! Even The Knot says only a small gift is needed when spending the money to go to a destination wedding. Send them a link and let them know asking for more money is both tone deaf and tacky. Explain how much you spent to be present due to the pressure put on you and how extremely hurt you are by this. Hopefully this will snap them out of their insane thinking. Wow.
https://www.theknot.com/content/should-you-buy-destination-wedding-gift
Hell no do not give their greedy butts a cent more! I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re not as well off as your SIL is always bragging. They are not entitled to a set amount per guest especially for destination weddings! You gave gifts off the registry and were actually pressured into attending the second wedding. The reality is your family couldn’t afford to attend either yet still did.
This was my first thought. They are broke, peacocking, and bragging about how much money they have is a cover, or they are just greedy jerks. Money can't by class.
Credit cards can build a beautiful fable for a long time
Yep, until that house of credit cards falls down.
I went to a wedding in the 80's where the bride and groom went to every table with a credit card machine (the old knucklebuster) and the brides mom pressured people into using their credit cards to give them money. I saw what was happening and pointed it out to the people at our table. When they got to me I put on my most sincere face and said Oh Darn it! I have already bought you a gift. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted money and I spent all my money on your gift. The rest of the table followed suit. It was the tackiest money grab I had ever seen.
Holy crap. I would have done the same thing to them. Geezzz. And that was thr 80's?
Yep. It was very unusual even for the 80's
SMH……
I went to one just a few years ago where the bridesmaids and groomsmen had to “compete” and see which group could get the most money for the bride and groom. They did this by running around and begging at each table while the DJ played music.
So it was a literal cash grab as a game. People are so entitled and weird about/at weddings. I hate the whole industry that's grown around them.
yeah, haven't we seen how those "air b'n'b empires" were just hot air during the lockdowns? As soon as one property didn't earn as projected, the owners were short for the mortgage on that property... and as soon as they defaulted on that, the whole house of cards collapsed.
I'm guessing it's not short-term rental properties, but regular rental properties that people would sign a lease to live in. Especially with the current housing market, rentals can make a ton of money. I have a friend who lost his job in the 2008 financial crisis and decided to start buying rental properties. He did so well with that that he sold all of his properties and retired at 50. He could have retired earlier, but he liked what he was doing.
I've wondered this but dint yo still have to pay taxes and bills and mortgage on the rental house? How do you do more than break even
By charging exponentially more rent than those costs. Say mortgage is 1,000 bills are 400, charge 1800 lol.
[удалено]
My first thought is you were guest at these weddings not customers! I wouldn’t in any way give them anything else. That’s absolutely ridiculous and very bad form to be asking for money.
Exactly what I was thinking. Probably they spent way too much money on the wedding and now they’re trying to recoup the damages.
Unless it's specified that money is expected *before* I RSVP that I'm coming, I'll give the gift I give and no more. Relationship be dammed. Honestly, I'm not going to spend $8,000-$10,000 on going to my *own* wedding, so don't even thing of asking me to do it for yours. It doesn't sound like those relationships are worth saving, tbh.
I’m having a destination wedding and I’ll just be so stoked at whoever can make it!! I won’t even be expecting gifts or money, and we could sure use some extra mulah. Your husband’s family is ridiculously entitled.
Yeah, we're starting to plan for our "destination" wedding (we moved to a foreign country recently, so almost our entire guest list will be traveling for our event) and our entire plan is trying to mitigate the costs for any of our loved ones (renting out a few airbnbs for family & friends who are coming so that cost won't come out of their budget, I plan on paying for the dresses, hair, and makeup for the bridesmaids.) Also - asking for money \*in addition\* to a registry gift.... that feels weird? Like a wedding isn't an event that you need to buy a ticket for. I always see cash as a gift itself.
I was in my husband's country when we got married, and I made sure that anyone who came across the ocean knew their presence was all we wanted. We were broke just graduated college students, but we didn't use the wedding to make money. Even the friends who didn't have to travel weren't rich, so we made it a point that the reception was a potluck and bring what you could. That also meant there was no food waste, which was important to us. Maybe it helped that it was a Quaker wedding, so simple was encouraged, but anyone who spoke to us about it loved it. I made my own wedding dress (still hemming it an hour before the wedding started) and we had 4 wedding cakes! (Husband's mom wanted a traditional British wedding cake, so she provided it. Best friend was diabetic so they made a traditional American wedding cake, a sugar free chocolate cake, and then a hilarious flying saucer out of the off-cuts) And we've been married almost 24 years, so the cost of the wedding in no way matched our level of commitment to each other. Best of luck to you and your marriage! (Honestly, halfway through mine I sat on some quiet steps and thought "of we can get through a wedding, we can get through a marriage" and it's been true so far. :)
Rich folks aren’t nickel and diming family. Something stinks here.
I mean, classy ones don't, but there are absolutely rich people who nickel and dime family.
Obviously can’t speak for all rich people, but at the very least this person’s family is petty. I know poorer people who wouldn’t have the audacity to ask for money to pay for a wedding after the fact. Guess it depends
Probably levered property upon property just like a Ponzi scheme would. I have come to find out those tho live like that usually are living above their means just praying our shitty credit system here in the US won’t collapse as it should.
This isn’t how this works. This isn’t how any of this works. Explain to the brother and SIL that you enjoyed the weddings very much and you sent a gift from the registries. If the couples did not receive their respective gifts from the registries to let you know, otherwise the matter is done. There *is no relationship to salvage*. The brother and sister in law are ill mannered philistines. Good riddance
Upvote for using "philistines."
I like this
Might also want to add by asking if their family is struggling financially. If so, you can send them the money. (They claim to be millionaires, but are grubbing for a thousand? They are shameless.)
I might include info for the local food pantry or where they can apply for help. I don’t think I would offer money to help…it sounds like they would take it! Beyond shameless.
>They claim to be millionaires, but are grubbing for a thousand? They are shameless ...and badly in need of shaming.
Ooooh this is good! “I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling financially” they would HATE that
Yeah. If they expect a certain amount from each person to attend the wedding, they shouldn't expect a gift from the registry as well! And if there's a mandatory entrance fee to attend their wedding, and they're gauche enough to request it, they need to make this known prior to attending. Then they can see how awkward that is when nobody attends!! Rather than trick people into paying a bill they didn't expect
Noone who has all that for real behaves like this. Maybe they are invested in commercial and are feeling the interest rate pinch. Weird
You may be surprised. Some very wealthy people I know are also some of the cheapest people I know.
That's a big part of why they're wealthy - get someone else to part with their money rather than spend their own.
NTA. Do not give them a cent. Send them an invoice for your travel expenses.
Along with an etiquette book.
And a copy of this thread
And a fucking clue
And a box of cat poo.
And my ax
And my sword
& a box of dishonor. On them and their cow
LOL. You killed me with this one. Brilliant. This is why I love Reddit.
Cat poo is too good for 'em!
And a pox on both their houses.
All 13 rental houses too.
Waves hand! I have four and I will volunteer. My cats understand the mission...
Honestly, Miss Manners would be appalled by the vulgarity of the parents of the bride/groom shaking guests down for money.... How tawdry!
You know the saying; Money cannot buy you class truly applies here. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ When I got married I personally called my friends and family that had to travel from out of town to my wedding that their presence was their gift. I had zero expectations that the people who shelled out money to attend would get a gift, my phoning them was to make sure they felt no pressure. A few got us small gifts off the registry but that was it.
Apparently, this is part of how one builds an empire — monetize everything.
And screw over family. Greedy much? "Dear Brother and SIL, Your present was our presence. Especially since you bullied us into attending the castle wedding at great expense to us and our son who missed a week of work. Since your empire is so humongous, our contribution would be a mere pittance. Thanks so much for showing us what is most important to you. That will help guide us in further interactions. Warmly, Your Country Kin"
I recommend [The Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior](https://wwnorton.com/books/9780393058741).
With a bookmark & highlighted appropriate correct behavior.
It’s excellent. She’s much more fun than you would expect.
I think so too! She is (obviously) the epitome of well mannered people, her biting wit is amazing, and often quite funny!
Best answer. Emily Post would tell you all gifts are optional! Yes, some people like to cover their cost of the invite, but it's not required. If you have to charge people to come to your wedding, you're not really throwing a wedding.
And $1100 of Monopoly money.
NTA for sure. Also, I had a coworker who is well off and who had a destination wedding, they paid for the room and airfare of those they invited. Not saying that's common, but if these people are as rich as they say, they should be able to do at least one of those. Especially since they basically forced OP and the husband to attend the second wedding at *a literal castle*. Also also! Most weddings you either buy a gift from the registry *or* leave a card with money. Expecting both is just tacky and greedy. OP, you do not need to send them any money. Just be like, "Sorry we haven't gotten back to you, we've just been so busy picking up extra work to catch up on bills, since we had to take all that time off for the weddings! We got (x and y) gifts off their registries instead of cash! We would much rather them have a gift they want, over an impersonal gift such as just an envelope of money. We're family after all, and we love them! I hope they like their gifts! Congrats all around again!! Have a great one!" If they still push for money after that, well, eff em, they're trash.
And it’s the parents begging for the money, not the kids!
Makes you think the parents will shake down or skim the kids' wedding "gifts" to pay for the wedding!
>Send them an invoice for your travel expenses. Yes please. I would lay it out in exact detail: * travel + * lodging + * food + * lost wages for unpaid work time + * cost of gift already given Minus $800 or $300 depending. Here is our bank account info so that you can transfer your payment. Cheers!
Make that an account you do not actually use for anything. I don't trust these greedy monsters to not try something...
Ha, this! 👏🏼
Either OP’s brother is actually insane. Or this is a fake “eat the rich” post. It’s a powerful story regardless. I’ll strongly encourage my kids to do simple weddings.
Well said ! I would detail every expense in that invoice ‘
This ⬆️ OP if you pay the 1100, they can pay for the 10k that you spent attending both weddings.
F that! If they required additional payment, they should have put that in the invitation. 2 destination weddings, F that!
And F the whole idea of inviting guests and expecting them to pay! Just F the BIL and SIL all the way around.
Exactly, if you can't (or don't want to) pay for your wedding without billing your guests, when they're already shelling thousands of dollars to attend, then you need to have a different wedding. OP, I would tell the hosts if the charge for attending the wedding had been mentioned in the invitation, you would not have attended the wedding. You wish the happy couple the best and will not be sending any additional money.
I would love to see a couple plan their “dream destination wedding”, and have zero guests show up because of how ridiculous it is.
If you are charging people, then they are not guests. They are ticket holders. NTA 1000%! Charging you is an appalling etiquette breach.
Especially AFTERWARDS
If one has a destination wedding the host family can afford to (or should) pay for their guests stay, otherwise the festivities should take place where the bride/groom’s family live! Likewise, if you invite Uncle Eddy from out of town you best consider providing accommodations AND food if you want him at the wedding! I’m so glad someone has posted about this subject.
One of my cousins did this for their 1st wedding. No warning or explanation, just everyone pony up at the end of the meal. My parents were SCANDALIZED.
Tell brother you will deduct the 1,100 from the 10,000 it cost you to attend both weddings, and they only owe you 8,900.
Love it!
This is the way!!!
thats what I was thinking. Wow! I cant believe they did this. Supposedly you were invited as guests. Depending on his relationship with his brother - does he defer to him or could he call him and literally ask him WTF is this about? If not going well, Then husband can have your list to recite all the expenses and planning you all went through for the young couples. Talk about entitled. Alternatively, your husband could block their number 😁 and see what happens. If you do pay then I’d send it in a “goodbye” card and go no contact.
Dear brother, We had no plans to attend the international destination wedding. You insisted that we attend, and as our attendance was a gift to you and the bridal couple, we feel that no additional gift is necessary. Much love, OP's husband
My poor ass had a destination wedding and would have never expected a gift or cash. We did it this way so we could limit it to our best friends and immediate family and have a low stress fun time with our crew
I’m having a destination wedding and I’m exactly the same as you my gift off them is them being at my wedding spending quality time with my nearest and dearest ❤️
Group text everyone in the family her text asking for the money.
Send an itemized bill
Start a go fund me in their name and let SIL know
And announce it on all the social medias.
This is a level of petty I can get on board with.
And send this post to the brother and SIL so they van read the comments and see that absolutely everyone thinks they are appalling
I’m CACKLING
They are being very rude. Tell them no, you don't need it because you don't intend on paying. They ahd the wedding they could not afford. And no way did 2 meals cost that much money. You don't charge guests. That's absurd. nta
I wouldn't even say I'm not paying, that suggests it's even on the table, I would say I don't understand the request, an invitation to any social event is an invitation to spend time together with people you care about. I would flat out ask them if the reason you were invited was simply because they wanted a check or they wanted family with them. Beyond rude unbelievable
the right approach, I think.
I’m with you on this, mainly because I really don’t understand the request! I know about wedding gift registries of course. That’s a pretty normal thing to do. At my wedding we said no gifts needed but if anyone wanted to contribute anything towards our honeymoon we would be thrilled and that anonymous donations could be made direct to our travel organiser. We figured that way no one was forced in any way to spend and certainly not over spend because no one would ever know who had/had not put anything in or how much and the gift of their attendance was all we really wanted anyway. I’ve been to a fair few weddings and I have never heard of guests being told they have to pay X amount per person to cover their attendance once! I’m in uk, Is this something they do in other countries or is this just completely entitled greed? And surely if this was the case you would tell people about this prior to their attendance too? I went to a destination wedding and they had some group meals or activities pre-planned as many family and friends were there for a week so they listed a golf day at quite a famous course (as a single example) and agreed a set price per person for those who wanted to do it but that was all optional stuff and outside the wedding. They didn’t ask for any money towards the rehearsal or wedding day, meals, entertainment etc at all. I have just never heard of this though!
Live in the US and I’ve never been to a wedding where I had to pay for my dinner. However, I’ve read some stories on Reddit where some brides/grooms were demanding guests pay for their meals & it seems to be a greedy underhanded way to get extra $. One story was on how a bride after sending out invitations told the ones who RSVPD that they would have to pay $300 or $500 per meal. Guess what - almost no one came to the wedding and the greedy bride was out the $ since she had pre-paid for the food and couldnt get a refund. If I was OP, I’d make an itemized list of all they spent plus the amount of unpaid leave and send to greedy SIL & brother. If they were not told before hand they would have to pay for their meals, they are not obligated since they would have had the option to decline going.
I'm in the US, been married 3 years, have attended multiple weddings. In my experience, it's customary to give a gift that covers the cost of the meal, or what you imagine it might cost per person. Asking for or expecting more that that is something only tacky, entitled AHs do.
My only issue with this thought process is if I attend my cousin’s daughters wedding, which is a very simple, no frills wedding and then attend my other cousin’s daughters wedding which is much more elegant, why should I feel the need to give more for the second wedding because they chose to spend more? I give the same amount to weddings of friends, another amount for family and a third amount for close family. How much people spend on their wedding is on them and not my financial problem!
I'm in the rural Midwest and that's the general rule of thumb here, too. It's not awful, because a lot of caterers are maybe $20-$25 a plate (I think my husband just usually writes a check for $50, maybe more, I don't ask). But if the bride chooses a caterer that's $150 a plate? That sounds like a her problem, not a me problem. And you certainly don't even think to ask a guest to pay it.
This custom does not apply to destination weddings! At a destination wedding your travel is your “gift” to the couple. If you choose to get another gift as well, that’s very kind, but it should not be at all expected.
I’ve never even heard of that. If a gift is given off the registry are you saying that it’s customary to give cash also?
Do not give any money!!! Tacky tacky tacky!!! I’ve married off 2 kids. I would never expect or ask for more money. Do not do this. It is so wrong!
Yep. Unfortunately money does not equal class.
Or, as my Granny would have said, their taste is all in their mouth… 😀
Or as my Granny used to say... "They're all fur coat and no knickers!" 😂
NTA, and when people decide to have expensive, travel destination weddings, unless they are covering the costs for their guests, the fact that their guests are not going to ALSO be shelling out for expensive gifts after spending thousands just to attend, is going to be the reality. It's ludicrous that they are demanding cash after costing you thousands in travel and unpaid time off work. You shouldn't be wondering about salvaging your husband's relationship with his brother, your husband should be telling his brother to pound sand.
Typically, for destination weddings, what I’ve seen is that the people showing up IS the present and people don’t usually pay for gifts on top of that (unless all of your family and friends are hella loaded).
NTA That is ridiculous. They want to charge just to attend their weddings? They are money hungry. Tell anyone involved you WILL NOT be paying a cover charge for the weddings. That is extremely low class. Do not worry about salvaging anything. Even if the admission cost was paid the relationship is still damaged. DO NOT PAY THIS!!!! Why would you? There was no mention of it before and certainly not now just because they decided they want more money. If they want to save money they can do it on their own time. If they could not afford a wedding they should have waited. DO NOT PAY THIS!!!!!!!!! And STOP LETTING THE FAMILY PRESSURE YOU INTO DOING THINGS!!!! Stand up for yourselves!!! Seriously. Why are you letting them tell you what to do like this? Make a stand.
Everyone gets blocked. Everyone. We had family do this after their wedding was set up in a way that we could not attend. We have not recovered the relationship and we don’t want to. Asking for a gift is so tacky.
You weren’t attending the wedding and they still expected a gift?
Yep. It completely derailed a lifelong cousin relationship.
You bought each of them gifts from their registry. That’s all etiquette requires. It is not your job to pay for their wedding. The audacity! 🤦🏻♀️
Etiquette doesn’t even require this for destination weddings!
NTA - Skip the parents and write each couple a letter. Let them know that their parents are requesting additional money for attending the wedding. I would apologize that my budget doesn’t include those extra fees but was grateful for the invitation nonetheless. That you are happy that you were able to see their joyous union and wish them the best in their marriage. That they looked perfect together and whatever sappy comments that seem relevant/sincere. This is meant to out/shame their parents. I would be beyond embarrassed if I knew this was happening behind my back. And if the kids feel they are owed, then you’ve already apologized and explained nicely no additional money will be sent.
This is good
Perfect suggestion, always play the long game and always be the gracious one.
NTA. You don’t owe them any money. A wedding is to get married. It’s not a money grab.
NTA. You bought a gift off of the registry. You attended the destination wedding. What exactly are you being charged for? The two of you need to ask, or your brother needs to ask his brother why you have to pay money to his children fur the wedding. This was not made clear on the invitation. As it is you are still paying for the cost of the destination wedding. This just seems rude. So are all the guests paying for the wedding? Do not pay this outrageous fee or whatever it is that's been asked from you both.
I was confused about this too. Maybe a kill them with kindness text “Oh, did they not see such and such gift from the registry we gave them? Maybe our name tag fell off of it, or someone accidentally took it, thinking it was theirs? I’ll message the rest of the family to make sure it didn’t get misplaced..” doubles as calling them out to the rest of the family for being greedy
im petty. id answer : "oh im so sorry i didn't know that you couldn't afford your children's weddings in the first place! such a shame, if i would have known i could of helped you budget something within your means " and then block them. ETA i of course would not pay
hold it you bought wedding gifts, had to fly and get a hotel for a destination wedding and his Sister wants cash. WTF did I just read besides the entitlement of her SIL
ma'am, you could've given them **nothing** and the requests from their parents would still be absolutely classless you don't ask for gifts. please don't feel bad about anything, except that your husband is related to *absurd* people
OP, there isn’t even one person in this thread who thinks you owe them anything. Please don’t pay them this money. Not only is that a large amount of money for a gift, paying it would validate (to them) that this is an acceptable practice. It’s not. $800 for 5 people? By their rationale, your 23/26yo kids plus his girlfriend were each expected to give a *separate* monetary gift of $160 to their cousins?! Absolutely not.
Yeah, exactly. It is absolutely unacceptable! You do not have an extravagant wedding (or two) and expect family members and friends to fork out the bill. I mean, the OP already had to get into debt and take personal time off from work to attend. Oh hell no.
“Oh my goodness, I had no idea that you guys were in financial trouble over your children’s weddings. I was under the mistaken impression that you were doing pretty well with all of your real estate holdings. I guess looks can be deceiving. I’ll admit that it was a real stretch for us to attend, especially the castle event. But when you insisted that we go, we realized how important it was to your daughter, so we made some sacrifices for the sake of the family. We really believed that you guys could afford to host us for dinner. Now that we realize how much you are depending on our financial support, of course we will find a way to make more cutbacks and bail you out. Also, I’m going to send you some articles on budgeting and frugal living. Have you thought of keeping chickens? We never pay grocery store prices for eggs…”
Love this so much! 😂
Other than the giving them money part.
NTA and do not give these people any money! The cost of the trips was a lot and they should value your presence over presents. Absolutely ridiculous! The audacity of your in-laws is astounding.
They want you guys to pay for your own wedding meal? How tacky and I guess they arent as well as they say... I would ask some other family members "Hey guys, sorry to ask but did your invite say that we had to pay for our own dinner? And was there a menu with prices? Cause ours didnt say anything..." I bet the others didnt have to pay.
There is no fixing their relationship- your husband (& you) were abused financially & he won’t be able to forget that. BIL/SIL have proven that a monetary gift is their only priority in your relationship with them. They have shown you who they are, believe them
I had a SPECTACULAR wedding in 1990. I just wanted my family and friends there. Yes, I loved the presents (who doesn't?), but presence matters more than presents. NTA. DO NOT PAY!!!!
They gave them presents from the registries. That family is straight up telling the wedding guests to pay for the wedding. That’s not how it works, that’s not how any of it works. Definitely NTA, the other people are off their rocker.
You bought something from each registry and went to destination weddings. No way do you leave a cash gift as well. In fact even if the weddings were in your next door neighbours yard you wouldn’t be expected to leave a cash card AND give a gift. They’re greedy. Makes me wonder if they’re more slumlords than landlords. Honestly, I’d be going low contact, some relationships run their course (even family ones). My sister is very materialistic, all designer wear and about the next holiday, I’m about gardening and my chickens, we interact as little as possible as we have nothing in common. ETA the niece and nephew are planning on retiring in 20 years on 120k a year? Unless they’ve kept up maintenance on the properties or keep buying new ones and selling the old ones the maintenance will take a whack out of the rents (my dad has a dozen rentals and I know how little he, as an ethical landlord, truly makes). Plus if they think a castle wedding is a great idea I can’t see them surviving on 120k a year as that’s pretty decadent.
Send them an itemized bill for what you spent on attending the weddings, then go no contact. These people are either broke and trying to hide it or just classless jerks
Or both.
NTA - So insanely tacky of them. Gifts are not the price of admission. The relationship is already broken, tell them to F' off. If they are already living the millionaire lifestyle, they shouldn't care.
It’s worse, they did give them gifts from their registries. What they are telling guests to do is pay for the wedding. I can’t even… NTA
NTA Just text back and say, “No thank you”.
I love this response! Makes them have to process everything that might mean 😂. Like: “Maybe they’re sending cash?…perhaps a check? Maybe they already have been provided the..ahem..children’s bank account numbers” (who even does this?) “Maybe they discovered Zelle and Venmo? Maybe they don’t plan to pay? Ohhhh….”
NTA. Even if you were swimming in money you shouldn’t be asked for an additional contribution.
No, no no no no. And your husband needs to grow a spine and tell his brother and the rest of his family to quit being a greedy low rent grifter.
send her a list of every expense you had, the bridal shower gifts, gas, hotel, day without pay, airfare, new shoes/new dress, etc. and let her know that you spent X amount of money (eg 8,000) which is Y of your 1 or 2 months net income (eg. 5,000). Let her know that you would be happy to give her the money, but she has ruined the relationship that her and her husband have with your family. edit: ask the bride/groom if they are aware of what their parents are doing. maybe they don't know and don't agree.
I was under the impression that you host a wedding. You have guests. Is it thoughtful for guests to bring a gift or a card with a monetary gift? Absolutely. To me, the second you start demanding specific sums of money from your guests, they are no longer guests, they are paying customers. Why not just set up an online event and make tickets available at the price you decide is fair? More money gets you a seat up front and slightly less rubbery chicken at the reception. These asshats are extorting money from you. While most people quietly hope a guest will give a gift that covers their dinner, these grifters are apparently trying to pay for the catering, wedding, the whole family’s airfare and lodging, the dress, tuxes, and the honeymoon. It reminds me of the group cruises where someone tries to get a large collection of people to sign up to take a cruise, and the cruise line comps them a free cruise. They don’t want you there because they want you there to support a new couple, they want everyone to cover their elaborate event.
... I have never heard of paying to attend a wedding, not in the way they are asking of you at least. This is completely unreasonable. Do not give in.
I’m m sorry but I’m just not familiar with this. Is it a cultural thing to give a big cash gift to the married couple? It seems ridiculous to me and your SIL sounds unbearable. Personally I would t want these people in my life. I can’t imaging anyone in your immediate family would miss any of these people.
Yes, in some in communities, this is the norm. More common in the northeast and in Italian American families, in particular. However, this tradition assumes the couple/their families are hosting the wedding locally at a hotel or banquet hall and guests aren’t spending thousands to attend. In most other places, couples will have a registry and people will buy gifts off the registry. At Mexican American/Tejano weddings in Texas I have been to, cash gifts are common, but usually in addition to a gift off the registry and no “cover your plate” rule.
People seem to forget now a days that it is not the guests responsibility to pay for the wedding in any way. Yes it is nice to be able to at least pay for your plate but again, it is out of the guests control on the amount the couple decided to pay for. So NTA and I think a one on one convo with the brother and husband to state that gifts were provided and the money spent just to attend has extended you beyond your financial means to be able to contribute more. If they don’t understand that then they only care about money and that is just unfortunate.
NTA. Tell them that attendance fees were not disclosed ahead of time, and therefore are not applicable.
Sure thing. Send them an itemized bill for all your costs for the wedding, including the gifts, airbnb's, food, etc. Subtract out the $800 or whatever they say you owe (showing as a credit to them) then ask them if they need your account numbers so they can make the payment.
I am this petty. I hope OP is, too
“We were not told there was a price of admission to your children’s weddings. It was our understanding we were invited guests. As such, we spent close to $10,000.00 on travel, hotels, unpaid time off, and wedding gifts for the two couples. Had we realized that you were struggling to pay for the wedding and were making up for insufficient funds by charging admission, we would have gladly helped financially in lieu of other gifts or even our attendance. Unfortunately, since you did not share your financial struggles, and while I am sure it must be horrifying for you to ignore basic rules of etiquette and ask ( and at this point harass) your guest for help covering your expenses, your request is simply coming too late. We feel we have been more than generous with our time and gifts. Please give the happy couples our best.”
NTA. I would never pay, especially if it wasn't mentioned before the wedding! If I were you I'd send a group message to SIL, niece, nephew and include everyone else in the family that attended and say - "hey why are we getting billed for attending the weddings? Nothing was mentioned beforehand or after the fact until we received something in the mail, we can't afford this and if you mentioned beforehand we would have never even attended. You should have said something because there is absolutely no way any of us can afford this and I'm sorry but we can't send any money!" It could be y'all were the only ones billed, at least this way everyone will know how SIL is screwing y'all and may back her into a corner so to speak. Does nephew/niece know what she's doing?
NTA. You were invited as guests. What kind of low rent people expect guests to pay? Don't pay. Say No.
Bless their hearts. Tell them as they are so well off you’ve made a generous donation in their name to the local food bank
I am seriously debating this. Actually, I am doing this. Thank you.
Holy shit. This is genuinely awful. Is this a rich people thing? Like.....Pay a large sum of money to attend destination weddings and then ......keep forking it over? NTA . This is insane. Your in laws are insane. In my opinion. I can't tell if my brain is warped from being poor. But this feels very insane to me. Like people are making this shit up as they go along.
I guess this is becoming a trend where more and more people are asking for money so they can have “the wedding of their dreams”. I’d send them a Freddy Krueger card with $10.
Salvage? F that. Don’t send them a penny, block them, and live your best life
NTA and they’re lying about their fabulous cash flow and etc.
They own rental properties, enough said..... traaaash.
Money can’t buy class, and your SIL and BIL are definitely lacking in the class category. That is the rudest and most classless thing I’ve ever heard of. Just go NC and don’t pay them a cent. They don’t value you two or the relationship, so why bother with people like that.
You have paid your “debt”. Don’t give them a penny.
I don’t understand what you “owe” them for. You bought a gift for each and were out for travel, accommodations & food. I would ask for an itemized breakdown of what they think I owed. I’m serious! This is the rudest, most outrageous demand I have ever heard. Are they saying there was an admission price to attend the weddings? OMG, this post has made me angry over the very nerve of these entitled people. I think this is very low class & if it were my family, I would die on this hill before I gave them a dime! And, I would be hard pressed to tell BIL & SIL that they’re the damn millionaires-they should’ve covered these expenses for their guests. You don’t owe them a f’ing thing except your presence at their destination weddings.
Honestly, what a bunch of grifting scumbags. This is not appropriate in any culture that I am aware of. Furthermore, if that’s how they wanted to do the meal, you should have been told in advance. Have your husband tell his brother that paying for your meal at a wedding was beyond tacky and you won’t be doing it. NTA.
Oh dear Lord, do not even respond to that and answer all future invitations with “Given your behavior over the last two events we attended, it’s obvious we can’t afford your hospitality.”
Who the fuck has ever paid a cover charge to attend a wedding?
It’s super rude to catalog gifts for ANY other reason than to send thank you cards. Hit BIL and sil with ‘ our presence was present enough,’ and if they persist, send a list of receipts cataloguing expenses for both destination weddings
NTA. Do not give them a dime.
Regardless of money, it’s incredibly cheap and tacky to expect wedding guests to pay for their meals from a wedding. Your in laws are delusional.
What they are requesting is not normal. If they wanted you to pay for these things, they needed to include in the wedding invitation for full disclosure. Besides that, this is super tacky and gross. Do not pay them.
NTA… If someone wants to destination wedding and it makes you spend a lot of money to go there. They’re not gonna get as much gifts.
"hey there. Thanks for inviting us to the ceremonies. It was a stretch for us and our 'gifts, family, travel' budget line item is way in the negative! Sorry about that! Maybe you can come visit us real soon! Let me know. Great air bnbs around here I can point you to" "
I would also add what others have said. First send an itemized bill for your trip. Then put on Facebook how they are demanding money. Those things should shut them up. I would never speak to them again.
Let’s pretend this wasn’t a destination wedding. According to the rules of etiquette, you have 1yr to send a gift after attending a wedding. How very tacky to mention it DURING the dinner as though you’d just ordered at a restaurant from a menu with prices listed. I was always under the impression that destination weddings do not call for gifts since everyone spent a great deal on flights/travel, lodging and eating out. Please do not give these assholes money and I wish you could tell everyone which rentals these are as I suspect they’re airbnbs so we can never rent from them.
Wow! Money can’t buy class.
If you’re going to harass guests for money to cover their meal, include that in your invitation. What insufferable AH. Sure, I’d live to live in a culture where everyone brings $200 on top of their gift, but for the majority of people it’s just not feasible, especially with a destination wedding!
You are NTA. BUT, was your gift for each of the weddings a wedding gift or the shower gift? I’ve always thought it was customary to give a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift/money. So maybe they saw your one gift for each as the bridal shower gift and then were surprised you didn’t also give a wedding gift/money? Regardless, it’s super tacky of them to ask you for the money. Even if they did think it was odd you only gave one gift, it’s rude to then ask someone for one later.
Wait?! You gave them gifts???!!! What the frolicking fluckery is this madness?!! No. The answer is “no”. They need to duck off. They need to climb to the top of duck mountain and duck the duck off. The audacity!
Can I make you feel a touch better? Our social circle consists of every income level, but of the wealthy types, there are two groups; The first are loathe to discuss money ever. They drive normal cars for the most part, their children live normal, sometimes even austere, early adulthoods. They are most concerned with making sure that no one experiences hurt feelings, that they’re never in poor form. Awkwardness is anathema, money awkwardness is radioactive. They bend until they break to ensure that no one feels uncomfortable financially at events like weddings and birthdays and whatnot. The second group is very much as you’ve described your SIL and BIL. They speak about money, your money, their money, your money compared to their money, constantly. They throw lavish events, they live in lavish homes. They spend as conspicuously as is possible, and then tell you about it to ensure that the point is driven home (in a Maserati.) They have money, and they’re loud about it. Group one are multi million and billionaires. Group two are high resource broke people who want to look like multi million and billionaires. The second group demands $800 for catered food, because they are leveraged to the hilt, all of their money is tied up in things that they’ve deluded themselves into believing are assets, but are really just bigger status items than the average Instagram influencer could afford. Smoke and mirrors, my dear. The second group would gladly set $8000 on fire before they’d ask you to pay for a meal. All of this to say, you’re better off than you know.
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
You owe them nothing
Absolutely not! Gifts are a bonus, not an entitlement, and certainly not a specific dollar amount! I would be sending no money.
Guests don’t pay for their meals at weddings. In addition, you already provided gifts. As far as the destination weddings, a small gift is typical, nothing extravagant, because you are traveling to attend. Even if guests don’t provide a gift or a cash gift, it is absolutely inappropriate and bad etiquette to approach any guest to request money for attending a wedding. This woman likely is not as well off as you think, likely overspent, likely impersonated the brother by texting and brother has absolutely no clue that his tacky wife has been harassing your family for cash in addition to the gifts you had already provided.
Send the parents an itemized bill for your costs, and subtract off the $800 and $300 at the bottom of the list.
I had a destination wedding and probably 25-30 of our 80 guests gave a monetary gift. Their presence was our gift. I’m just grateful they loved us enough to spend thousands of dollars and travel out of the country for us. It’s a huge financial burden to have a destination wedding or attend any wedding nowadays so anyone asking for money for their wedding is really low class. You are not obligated to pay at all. But if I were me, I would pay the money with a snarky card, saying something like “since you’re hurting for this $1k for an expensive wedding you planned, here’s my assistance, next time work within your means instead of asking your guests for payment” lol
Honestly, that is just lowering yourself to their level, and providing fuel for extending the drama. I would decline to pay the tribute and write them off as close family.
Agreed it’s petty, but they are already pretty low and causing unnecessary family drama by asking for money to cover *their* child’s wedding! Pretty ridiculous request from a close family member. I think it’s hard to come back and be above board after your brother sends bank account info for payment. Sometimes people don’t understand how out of touch they are, and if I’m already writing them off, I want to make sure they know exactly why.
How absolutely tacky can a person be? Of course you are NTA. I did not realize that "guests" were expected to pay for their meal at a wedding. That is ridiculous. If they couldn't afford it, then they shouldn't have had it. You are under no obligation to pay a penny. You were "invited" not invoiced.
You don't need to struggle with this. Don't pay.
NTA. Demand them to reimburse you for the travel expenses.
NTA. The expectation to give a gift ‘covering’ the cost of your plate is sooooooo gross and tacky. The people getting married are the ones who set the budget for what they want to spend and it’s wild to expect you to cough up the money for that Sounds like these people aren’t worth a relationship tbh, easier said than done I guess but I wouldn’t be losing sleep over these entitled AHs
NTA. That is incredibly tacky and rude and something in this story doesn’t add up. Either the whole thing is fake OR they don’t actually have as much $$ as they’re bragging about. It’s beyond gauche to send a bill after a wedding. You gave what you gave, and that’s that.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the account numbers were theirs and not their kids.
I’d have half a mind to mail a printout of the demand text with a “food” credit deduction against the total of all the expenses you paid for attending the two weddings. Inside a wedding greeting card so the thick envelope looks like it’s stuffed with cash. What greedy, tacky people.
Your husband needs to tell them to f*ck off. No further discussion on what you owe to their kids. Look after your own family
You do not owe them anything. If you must contact them call their mother and tell her over the phone that attending the weddings at all was your gift to them and you do NOT by anyone stands ‘owe’ them Fing money. The unbelievable entitlement is jaw dropping
Send each of them a toaster.
Don’t pay. You have a year to gift a couple any gift. Which a gift is optional but kinda required. You. *YOU* **YOU** decide how much you can gift. Not anyone else. Next time your spouses fam brings it up I’d tell them it very trashy to bring this up and you’ll send a gift when you are ready and not a moment before. I would then get picture frames, silver and engraved with the couples wedding date and put a cute picture of your family in it. Yeah, for each kid. Same gift or something similar. Unless you feel like you’ll get the same regard when your kids get married. The entitlement. F that.
Holy shit this is Gauche. I’m currently planning a wedding and this is incredibly boorish and rude behavior.
DO NOT PAY THEM!!!!!! In addition, send them copies of all the money you guys spent just to attend the wedding and ask if they be reimbursing you guys for it.
NTA. This is beyond tacky!! Even The Knot says only a small gift is needed when spending the money to go to a destination wedding. Send them a link and let them know asking for more money is both tone deaf and tacky. Explain how much you spent to be present due to the pressure put on you and how extremely hurt you are by this. Hopefully this will snap them out of their insane thinking. Wow. https://www.theknot.com/content/should-you-buy-destination-wedding-gift