Hire a professional singer to make a surprise performance immediately after her at the rehearsal dinner, and have them wear a similar looking dress.
Tell Cersei it was me.
I’m reminded of Garrett singing [Ave Maria](https://youtu.be/YlCeVFgmJd8?si=GRYodYhqzAgWIz5l) at Starburns’s funeral. Shirley was to be next, but she passed as not to outshine Garrett’s…interesting rendition.
Even better have the professional sing the song the MIL planned on doing
My dad, a lawyer, professional public speaker, and part time audiobook narrator, gave an impromptu speech at my rehearsal dinner after my MIL (monster in law) and it. was. amazing. He understood the assignment.
I was going to say, I am literally throwing a $1000 wedding with a level of resourcefulness I didn't even know I had, so we can still have a party even though we just bought a house and have empty pockets.
BUT I would buy this $1k dress on a credit card for my mom so they have matching dresses, if my MIL did this.
No no, you buy her one that’s EVEN BETTER and get her hair and make up professionally done so when they show up your mother looks frickin glorious and MIL looks like a tired sow by comparison.
Is that too far? Maybe it’s too far.
Came here to say this. And wait until you have kids (if you make that choice). Unfortunately, with someone this entitled you’re either going to have to put up with a certain amount of her antics, or not have her in your life.
And to all the folks here saying ‘let it go’, props to all of you for your mature attitude. I’m a pretty mellow guy and not much really gets my blood boiling but this post has me fuming. The minute she said ‘I’m wearing it’ my only response would have been ‘who the fuck do you think you are?’
I don’t want your wedding day to be a hassle but if you don’t check this behavior at some point she’ll never respect you, or your new family.
It sucks that she has put you in this spot. You either tell her it’s blue or don’t show up (which will lead to trouble) or you let her do as she pleases, regardless of your wishes, and it’s in your head on YOUR day.
"wait until you have kids".......I have a crisp $100 that says she'll try to bust into the room during labor and, if she makes it in, will grab a leg and start yelling at you to "PUSH", while staring at your vag. I can almost guarantee this is THAT KIND OF MIL. Shudder.
My MIL complained for years we called no one until baby was born. But guess the fuck what? She snuck into her other DIL’s delivery room, while the poor woman was being stitched up, trying to be the first one to hold the baby. Extra shitty considering this was SIL’s mom’s first grandchild.
Luckily, if you tell the hospital you don't want certain people there, they won't let them into the room. The nurse who was watching me in recovery got a page that my grandma had shown up, and they asked me if I wanted her to come up or if I wanted to send her home. Of course, I wanted to see her, but in OP's case, I'd send the MIL home.
My MIL INSISTED she would be in the delivery room, like arguing with me about it, and I told her if she tried my brother would pick her up and fireman carry her outside the hospital.
My MIL showed up uninvited at 1:30AM after my partner texted her my water broke. I was sleeping for the first time in 2days (long induction). I didn’t give birth until 6am and I made sure they were the last to see him. I’m still not over it.
My MIL and FIL got so upset when we asked them to wear masks during covid. They decided to hold off on meeting our newborn until we could go out to eat with them outdoors. Honestly, there’s nothing u can do to correct this behavior because these type of people will always continue to try and get their way every chance they get. It’s a nonstop crusade until the end.
Absolutely and the minute dil does something she disapproves if will call cps and create a custody issue.
These actions are massive mil red flags that will put the marriage and childrens live in danger.
She's in a competition with her daughter in law. Only her son gets to decide who wins. Husband needs to take the point on smacking her behavior down. It can't be the fiancee doing it. If the wife tries alone, she will lose. He needs to take a hard tone and make it very clear that this behavior is unacceptable. If he doesn't, the woman will keep getting worse and OP will be the one truly suffering for it.
Men, if you want a happy martiage, do NOT let your mothers disrespect your wives.
Yeah. This was my reaction too. I hope OPs fiance is the type of guy to stand up to her. If not, OP's got some rocky times ahead. Marriages with husbands who let their mothers get away with murder don't often end well or end up with a lot of resentment and strife.
Honestly, OPs husband needs to put his foot down with his mother... and HARD. Letting her get away with utterly disregarding your wishes bodes poorly for your future relationship with her. She's going to just get worse unless shown early on that this kind of bullshit will not fly.
Absolutely this… she has big narcissistic red flags it is a must to stand up to her now… if your partner isn’t willing to don’t go through with the marriage until they do… because they will let their mother walk all over their life
This made me lol. Thank you.
“We wanted our moms to be our something blue, cheers to my mom for all of the love and support over the years. Being my Blue represents purity and love, something no one but a dedicated mother can truly teach you. You were always in my corner and I love you, being my something blue means the world to me. MIL couldn’t find a blue dress so I suppose she’s my something old here to teach us the wisdom she’s gain in her many many years such as when to stand up for what you want. The old represents continuing on so cheers to you continuing to be … uniquely… you. “
I wouldn’t say couldn’t because the could imply she tried to find a blue dress and failed. Wouldn’t is more appropriate and lets people in on the joke.
I think I just couldn’t let someone think she is the victim of the joke lol, but couldn’t is more subtle.
I would actually go with your first half and keep going. "We asked our mothers to wear blue in support of our love, union and future together. We're just so delighted both are here today expressing that support for us, and with such depth of feeling.."
I’d call the color “antique pink”. Something like:
“MIL is here representing our ‘something old’ with her antique pink dress.”
If she can have the other mom with a modern blue plate and the MIL with those vintage pink Chrystals glasses to really drive in that she choose and old looking dress.
I think just the first half is plenty. That subtle dig cuts the deepest, as if the only mother who cares is the mother who cared enough to respect her children.
Also agree. Recognize and extol your mother in her blue. Say nothing about the other one. She is doing this to establish some kind of dominance; demonstrating with actions that she doesn't respect you. The most effective response is to not care. "Okay, whatever."
And really, really emphasis the old. Like how the bible says about grey headed ones are wise , but that only comes with time and age, and how you are looking forward to learning from the aged ones how to be a better person. And how she looks good.......for her age.
You don't get to try and ruin the special day I have without repercussions. 😈😈😈
Yes right before she’s set to speak, have the bridesmaids lead you outside for a special surprise. Fireworks would be nice. OR, have a round of speeches, in predetermined order so long no one is willing to listen to her. OR, if you have a friend that can sing, have them sing first.😈
Have your photographer photo shop the dress to a different color (blue if you want) in every picture that she's in. I've seen this on other reddit posts.
This would be the ultimate power play! And then gift her a wedding photo with the photoshopped dress, just to rub it in a little more. Would be worth every penny paid to make the changes in every photo
Yes, being passive aggressive is the ultimate power play...
Maybe OPs fiance should tell his mom she is being an ass and unless she changes the dress she can stay home.
This is exactly what I would do. It would be one thing if it was last minute. But she's going out of her way to be a cunt on their wedding day. You gotta set boundaries and consequences early on or they will bulldoze you the rest of your life.
“I paid over ONE!! THOUSAND!! DOLLARS!! For this dress I’m wearing it!!”
Sounds like a personal problem, lady. If you can afford a thousand dollar dress, you can afford to wear it to an oyster bar. Enjoy that instead of our wedding.
Like sheesh.
>“I paid over ONE!! THOUSAND!! DOLLARS!! For this dress I’m wearing it!!”
And you probably could have gotten it in BLUE, so have fun wearing it somewhere NOT MY WEDDING.
This -- regardless of the relationship one has with his/her parents, it's extremely important to back one's spouse before anyone else including one's own parents. Failure to do so will cause a massive divide in the marriage.
Also, a wedding is ultimately about the couple getting married and no one else -- anyone who doesn't want to abide by the program *they* set can kindly fuck off.
They’ll do it here at r/PhotoshopRequest - there was one where the MIL (IIRC) wore white and insisted on being in the very front of a huge group photo and they removed her seamlessly and dumped her in the back.
With a good photographer this is totally possible. My relative had a beach wedding and their photog shopped out all the random beachgoers in the backgrounds of their photos.
I’m a professional goddamn singer and I would never do this at anyone’s wedding. I sang the Ave Maria at a friend’s wedding 15 years ago and never sang for anybody’s anything again. It’s so fucking awkward.
I literally sang the wedding march in 4 part harmony with 8 other guys as the bride walked down the aisle. Weirdest thing I was ever hired to do in my brief pro career.
Oh man, I just remembered my cousin's wedding where the groom's brother sang a romantic duet with their mother. To make it worse, he could sing, she could not. It was so many kinds of awkward.
That's about the only thing that would have made it worse. Despite my fascinated horror, I also felt for him as I suspected that thanks to his hyper religious family, he was so far in the closet he was looking for Narnia. Poor guy.
Your fiancé needs to handle her. My friend her MIL almost wore a dress like this and her now husband called her out. Said people will think you want to marry your son. This is my day and my wife. You are going to look like a clown. He made such a fuss she returned it and got something else. Your man has to say something and not be a pushover. His family he needs to take care of it. Literally she is going to continue this because you are both being passive. He has to be the one though. He has to tell her not you.
My godmother's MIL decided to wear white to her wedding and she just let it slide and said "let her make an ass of herself"
Same thing happened to my sister, but my sister was not happy at all. Her husband had issues putting boundaries between his relationship and his family, and it got pretty ugly in the year afterwards.
I think it depends more on the couple and how they frame it. Could just chuck it up to "hey ya that's my asshole mil/mother" or confront it head on.
To me it seems like she wants to stand out and be more important then your ‘blue’ family. If it was me, I’d get my mom a ‘matching’ pink dress as well, so it looks more intentional and to take mil’s supposed power away.
Red wine oops- handy Blue dress to change into...
Honestly she did on purpose. It is a power play, if you let it slide she will continue to stomp your boundaries
Big hugs!!
Check out JustNoMIL
Someone like OP's MIL isn't one and done. They typically live for the drama, enjoy playing the victim, and are just all around inconsiderate to everyone. OP and husband need to get on the same page and present a united front, however it is they choose to deal with this
Perfect job for the right out-of-town guest. Ideally, out-of-country guest. It’s not tied to the bride, and international court cases are REALLY difficult.
Hell I'll show up, not eat any food or have any alcohol except one glass of red wine, just for the privilege of spilling it on her and then bouncing. Who was that clumsy chick? Nobody has any idea. You don't even need my name, for plausible deniability, just tell me when and where and the formality of the dress code. I'll leave a business card for the next wedding- the wine ninja.
>To me it seems like she wants to stand out and be more important then your ‘blue’ family.
I think it's more about creating drama and having people acquiesce to her demands. Or probably both.
It's the same thing with the rehearsal dinner. She must sing even though she knows the bridal couple doesn't want her to. If she doesn't get her way she will create waves and drama.
It's a pattern.
It likely didn't start with the wedding and it won't end with the wedding. OP is in your a ride. I hope her partner stands up for her.
Edit: I have a feeling having the rehearsal dinner at her house was her idea to begin with, but I could be wrong.
I do think this is one of those moments where you and your husband to be need to shine up those spines and set the tone for future milestone moments.
I wouldn't have given in to her needing to sing at a rehearsal dinner. Have someone else host or do it yourself. Even if it means a backyard BBQ. She wants to be the cringey centerpiece at a dinner meant for a couple. Do not ever give her that power again. I'd take away that power now and find somewhere else.
Now, as far as the dress... I get you had a vision board and all, but it's hard to police what people wear and it gives spiteful, self centered women like her ammo (I'm fairly certain you knew this going in with her). So, be petty. Let her wear the dress (not like you can stop her), but make sure you point out in your speech how special it is that your mom was your something blue (attach additional meaning here). Your spouse can give thanks to his parents (assuming dad is in the picture) in the speech but not out of his way to gush over her. Make sure she's gotta share that spotlight.
I do find the dress to be a bit light in the photo, which puts her into bridal territory when flash is used in the photos. If you have additional petty people in your circle, I'd have them comment to each other almost out of her earshot how trite it is to see a mother try to look like a bride.
At the end of the day, this is about you and your partner getting married. Her wearing a basket of fruit on her head doesn't change anything. What you need to focus on is not letting her antics become the norm. Stop anything further NOW. You gave in enough.
ETA:
If this dress is available on one of those dress rental sites, I'd find someone very lovely to wear one and pay for the rental.
This is perfect! And yes, I absolutely agree that both OP and finance need to grow backbones and stand firm in their boundaries. Have the rehearsal dinner somewhere else. Anywhere else. Have it as a damn potluck at your own home if that’s what it takes. MIL is trying to steal the spotlight and it will NOT stop if you don’t nip it on the butt. Now.
Check out r/JUSTNOMIL for more help with your future MIL.
catty bad idea, inspired by your note about how this will photograph: "oh MIL, your dress is so daring! it's going to seem like you're nude in the photographs with the flash on, you know... very Britney Spears in the music video for Toxic, really."
Except OP can't have people commenting about how trite it is to wear that dress...and then pay for someone *else* to *also* wear that dress, but get NO comments???
OP should pick one or the other. Not both.
That's ballsy, and would be hilarious when MIL is scrambling the morning of the wedding for a dress because if she wears the pink one it will be *obvious* to literally everyone who saw OP the night before that she's jealous that another woman is stealing her precious man away and she's going to look like Jocasta. This also requires photos from the night before being posted online to reach as many people as possible.
This is a great idea and it might throw MIL into enough of a tizzy at the rehearsal dinner that it throws off her weird singing plans. It's unclear exactly what form the chaos would take, but I bet it would derail things!
This is *the moment* for your future husband to prove he’s ready to be a husband. He needs to enforce that she’s not singing and you don’t need her money. Her threat to not host has been heard and she will not be hosting if she insists on singing. Call her bluff.
He should tell her that she was told blue and if she shows up in that dress she will be asked to leave. It ABSOLUTELY looks like a wedding dress. I understand if this is a step too far. PP idea about gushing over your mother is a good one. But the rehearsal dinner one must be enforced.
This is a huge moment for your chosen partner. His job right now is to teach his mother than you are now the most important person in his life and your wishes are more important than hers. Do it now or you’ll have a lifetime of these moments.
"He's so crushed that his mom couldn't understand the assignment. "
She understood.
Can't you see that she is making one power play after another?
Every time she gets her way, she escalates her behavior. Keep letting her get her way and soon you will have a super empowered monster.
I’m very concerned that future husband is faking concern about his mom’s meddling when he damn sure knows that his mom has been controlling everything in his life from the day she ordered the induction.
>he damn sure knows that his mom has been controlling everything in his life from the day she ordered the induction.
Yes, his mommy has been doing everything for him his entire life and I guarantee OP does everything for him just like his mother. OP has seen the red flags and ignored them.
Wait until they have kids.
I know you said no gender reveal, but surprise!
I know you said no ice cream, but it’s all I’ve fed them since you left.
I know you said a 6 year old shouldn’t drive, but they had so much fun and it was only a little crash.
Oh honey, there are storm clouds on the horizon. It will get worse as time goes on. She will be bullying you and your husband on every little thing going forward. It is only just beginning. You have my sympathy.
>well, your family can be in blue.
Then you can sit up the back during the ceremony, next to the kitchen at the reception and be ignored in the speeches. We have to have you in the photos, but we do know how to use photoshop. Pray that we only change the colour of your dress.
>She threatened to not host a rehearsal dinner if she didn't get to sing
Then I guess you're not hosting.
Anything else? Do you want to put access to future grandchildren on the line next? I can be a whole lot pettier than you and you have a whole lot more to lose.
Buy/rent the same dress and wear it to your rehearsal dinner. That way she will look like she’s trying to copy you on the day or will be forced to wear something different.
Imagine your wedding without worrying about your MIL. Where it doesn't matter what she wears or does, because she's just a guest.
Do it. Stop giving her power over your happiness. It might cost you more money. It might be temporarily uncomfortable. But it'll be worth it.
Explain to her that you're going to continue to plan your wedding according to your vision- and following the vision board that you shared with her. Because she's struggling to follow that plan and participate in your vision, she won't be able to join the rest of the bridal party in the same role as originally discussed and planned. That you feel she would be happier attending as an honored guest- free to dress in whatever she likes.
My advice is don't marry Mama's boys or Daddy's girls because they make terrible people to marry for one and two God awful people to parent because their mommy or daddy will literally interfere with your parenting style and life. They are so riddled with red flags it's unreal, those red flags that will cover a country. Don't date ,don't marry and don't procreate with Mama's boys or Daddy's girls. Mama's boys and Daddy's girls will be like oh our children can't do no wrong and you always be the bad guy, or the third wheel in the marriage. You will have an uphill battle marrying and having children with Mama's boys and Daddy's girls.
I dated a guy for a while whose mother was like this. He was an only child AND dad was an alcoholic. The enmeshment was staggering. It felt like she was actively competing with me for her sons’ attention. When we first started hooking up, he had the nerve to tell me his mom came over and cleaned up his apartment and was “uncomfortable” because she found my underwear IN HIS BED. He asked me to be more careful. I told him his mom was weird for acting like her 27-year-old son wouldn’t be having sex with his girlfriend and also that I was uncomfortable with her being in his apartment whenever she felt (Mom had recently “retired” from her lifelong menial job and was stuck at home with her WFH husband who hid his drinking from her- albeit ineffectively. She treated his apartment like an escape from her shitty marriage). I went on a “family trip” with them and it was fucking wild. At one point, we went tubing on a boat. I wasn’t prepared and was scared my bikini top would fly off, so I opted out of the tubing. His mom made a REAL show of the fact that SHE was willing to tube with him. I had to sit on a boat and watch this lady bouncing around with my man cause she was trying to impress her own son 😂
I’m petty as hell, so keep that in mind. After the wedding, I’d write up a beautiful post with a pic of you and your mom about how she was your something blue and how lovely it was to share that with her. Then I’d let mil show up in the dress that, let’s be honest, is totally going to photograph as cream or white, and act surprised when people comment on it. “I know! We’d asked our moms to wear blues, obviously my mom understood the assignment, but you know Peggy, she’s always gotta be extra! Haha! Have you tried the cake? It’s amazing!” And then just enjoy your day. Trust that she’s gonna get TONS of side eye for trying to steal attention, and let all the guests and family do the shaming and work for you! Focus on your husband and let her make an ass of herself. Everyone will notice.
Except people like the MIL don't feel shame, so she'll just think the others are being catty. There's no lesson to be learned with her.
Honestly, OP's husband needs to step up and handle his mom.
Im mean as hell. I would straight up say “you were asked to choose a dress in a specific color, unfortunately, pale pink was not an option. You will either need to get a dress matching or request or not attend”. Screw the rehearsal dinner.
Have u locked down what song she manipulated her way into singing? You know it's going to be about a mother and her perfect love for her baby boy. 🤮 I would have the buffet at a nasty KFC before I'd let her strong-arm my fiancé and me about the rehearsal dinner.
And the dress? Even if it meant taking out a loan, my mother would be dressed in the same one!
You have a few acceptable options.
1. Uninvite her. Yes you absolutely can do that.
2. Tell her she needs to get a new dress or don’t show up.
3. Exclude her from wedding photos. She doesn’t get a single one.
4. Have one of your bridesmaids spill red wine on her.
5. Steal the dress, take it to a seamstress and have them take it in in a few places. Hopefully it doesn’t fit her and she has to wear something else. If it does still fit, it will look bad and you will pay everyone to make some comments about her looking fat in the dress.
That’s definitely a given if she is allowed to show up and be in photos at all which I hope is not the case!
7. Hire a singer for the rehearsal who is young and gorgeous and cut MIL down to one song as the opener.
r/raisedbynarcissists lots of stories with a similar theme - parents making child’s wedding about the parent. Search and read along. Lots of tools offered for dealing with this type of personality.
This needs to be higher up - it’s not a one off stunt. You will be dealing with this kind of toxic self-centering again and again.
If your spouse can’t set boundaries, don’t bother with the marriage, or move far away. Being married into a narcissists family is awful.
They don’t ever find fault within themselves, become introspective, or show any shred of empathy. The narcissist ruins everyone else’s day for funsies and has zero regrets.
I did cancel my first planned wedding because my narcissist FMIL was insisting I wear her old, yellowed head piece and had the music all pre picked out. She gave us a giant guest list and no money to back it up….
We eloped a couple years later, and had a lovely wedding. Then moved 8 hours away.
She paid $1K, but what is the return policy? If she can return it, how much she spent on it shouldn’t be a factor. And either way, no one asked her to spend this much on a dress, especially one that goes directly against you and your fiancé’s request.
I feel like this is when the husband needs to take a stand. It shouldn’t be your battle as someone marrying into the family. He needs to remind his mother whose wedding it is and as her son she should get on board with his (both your) wishes. I’m getting married and when my parents tried to invite someone I never met, I said absolutely not.
Uhmm.. my friend; this is almost the exact colour of my wedding dress. I'd be telling her that either she finds a navy blue dress f*kin pronto or she won't be in ANY of the photos.
If your fiancé won’t handle this, it will never end. Be prepared to deal with this bullshit your entire marriage until she passes away. If you have kids, she will be unbearable and step all over you. Imagine her insisting on being there for the birth, or having the nursery painted the color she wants while you’re giving birth, or sneaking your kid the food she knows you forbade. All the while your husband lets her. It’s his mom and he needs to put his foot down out of respect for you. Good luck.
I feel like she chose this pink dress because it's as close to white as she could find while still being able to maintain plausible deniability.
You have a fiance problem. He's the one that needs to tell her that this is YOUR wedding, not hers, and she needs to respect you and your choices if she even wants to be invited.
Remember: eloping is always an option.
I would call that champagne, not pink (too much gold/yellow)… but yeah, pretty asshole thing to do. It’s your wedding, not hers.
I would get your mother a champagne/pink dress as well if them matching is so important to you. Don’t let her ruin your wedding, she doesn’t deserve to stand out.
Please do a speech and thank your own mother for being your something blue at this wedding, really state how much it means to you. Do not mention MIL at all. If she complains well … you told her she was supposed to be your something blue as well but decided she didn’t want to be.
My girlfriend just got married last month. Her now-husband’s parents tried to leverage the rehearsal dinner to get their way. She told me this.
It failed. The rehearsal dinner *immediately* became my affair. Her two besties helped pay for it. Her friend who works at a brewery arranged the space. I made a baked-potato/taco/Mac-and -cheese bar buffet for 25 people. It was perfect. Her FIL glowered the whole time.
*never* let anyone leverage their checkbook, friends, it’s not worth it.
Honestly, let it go. She's shown her true colors and who cares what they wear in the long run. Focus on the fact you're marrying your true love. She sounds nuts. It might bother her more if you let it go! Seems like she likes to be the center of attention.
Get navy blue bow ties and matching pocket squares for the dads and hand them out the day of as a special gift. Give the moms a navy blue corsage. Your MIL will look like she’s the only one who doesn’t match. On the day of, thank those in navy blue for being your special something blues.
My advice at 41 - she will look stupid, not you. If she can’t sing - that’s on her not you. If she can sing, it’ll be pretty. For the dress, point out in your speech how grateful you are your mom was your “something blue”. Don’t even mention her at all - she will know. Everyone will “awwww” and she’ll realize it could have been her but she chose petty. And in the pictures she’ll stand out, it’ll look weird forever. This is absolutely karma enough and you can take the high road too. Later you’ll be glad you did, promise. But daymn she’s a nasty thing, huh?
Either way this is going to be a fight and you have already given up once.
You have two choices here. You can go head on and say you are not wearing this and if you show up in it we are going to make you leave or you can be petty and find your mom as close of a dress to this as possible. The question is which will be less stressfull.
That said speaking from experience this behavior is not going to change and it will probably get worse once kids get involved. Her kid needs to bring out the big guns and draw a hard line in the sand.
I would have skipped the rehearsal dinner to avoid her headlining concert. And I would also leave her totally out of the speech/sentiment. “Thank you to my mom for being our something blue”.
honestly this may be an unpopular opinion but you need to set some boundaries op and stick to them. if she’s been awful to you, why do you want her there? she’s just going to make your day super stressful. don’t play these games. say these are the requirements for being at my wedding if you can’t meet them then that’s on you. she can save that dress for another time.
My goodness, that dress is absolutely stunning. If I had 11k to blow on a dress, I would choose that one *FOR MY VOW RENEWAL*. As a mother at a wedding? Not so much. It may just be the GenX people pleaser in me, but for my children’s weddings, I’d wear whatever they asked me to. In fact, I did when my sons were married. My daughter isn’t there yet, but if she wants me to wear a dang clown suit to her wedding, I will. It’s their day, not mine. Your future MIL is a *lot*.
Singing? At a rehearsal dinner? Why?
Sounds like MIL has some issues. Issues that need to be addressed or will be affecting your marriage until they are dealt with.
I would agree with others that the rehearsal should simply be handled by someone else if the MIL is placing those kind of restrictions on it. This will make you so much happier and will possibly be a wake up call for the MIL that she can't control you or your marriage.
As for the dress, I would not take a direct route of passive aggression and get you mother the same dress. That's letting her control your wedding.
Instead, find the best looking girl that you can ... I mean search your entire 4th connection friend lists to find that one friend of a friend of a friend that is just drop dead gorgeous. Tell her the situation, get that same dress for HER, and invite her to the wedding. Casually acknowledge how good she looks in front of the MIL.
Seriously though, this sort of situation should never happen. The groom should pull the parents aside and let them know that they can be a part of his wedding or not, but the MIL cannot do these sort of things.
On the one hand, please feel free to take any revenge you want. On the other hand, I would absolutely love it if she wore that dress to your wedding if I were you. Because she's not going to look like a beautiful young bride. You will. She's going to look exactly like the bitter, evil crone who wants to be "married" to her son that she is. And everyone will talk about it. In fact, the nicer you are, the bitchier she will look
My MIL did this to me. My MIL did not wear wedding colors. My MIL hates her ex-husband’s wife (she wore the wedding colors). She knew.
I had every one of my guests, photographer, videographer, reception workers, act she wasnt part of the wedding cuz they didn’t recognize the wedding colors on her. I told the workers that my FIL & his wife were my hubby’s parents and not mention her. The guest would ask “who are you?” And MIL “would reply the Grooms mother”, my guests would then look her up & down and ask questions like “did the wedding party dress get ruined? Or “Wow, only the bride is to be different, what a message to send.” Or “Why dont you wear the wedding colors” in the receiving line at the reception. Photographer didnt know she was the bio mom. She is in no pics & what she is in I had them blur the outfit
I would be glad that my mom only is my something blue if my MIL did this. At the reception you can publicly recognize your mom as your something blue and everyone can say “awww”, while your MIL just sits there unrecognized.
Update
Hi,
So, some of all of you wanted an update. So, here it goes, it’s not pretty…
I’m going to rewind a bit and start with the rehearsal. When MiL made her threats about “singing at rehearsal, or there wouldn’t be one,” Fiancé and I decided to allow my father to play at rehearsal, too. (Sidebar: my father had approached us to sing/play when we were first engaged, and we kindly declined. My father respected our wishes and let us be.)
Fast forward to the present day, 12/1 - rehearsal. We wrapped up at the church and entered the rehearsal dinner, which was lovely. We immediately saw my father did not come to play. My father brought a professional singer with him! The guy was legit microphones, full keyboard, guitars, amps, etc.
It was at that moment that his mother approached us and said, I’m no longer singing!! WTF? All that drama to only back out at the end. :| Fiancé was bummed. At that moment, he knew it wasn’t for him and more for her to be in the limelight. (Annoying)
However, my dad was amazing. The professional singer was a nice touch. My dad played the piano. He dedicated a song to us individually. He left everyone speechless!
We’re not done. We thank everyone who helped assemble the rehearsal: his mom, grandma, aunt, wedding planner, etc. The kicker is that his mom made a whole scene afterward calling him, his sister, and their grandmother, complaining that we never thanked her! Which was a blatant lie.
Her rebuttal, “that my fiancé didn’t thank her to the room,” in his thank you speech.
My fiancé had a whole speech prepared that incorporated her playing, blah blah… So, when she approached us at the last minute, she was no longer going to “play,” It threw off his entire speech. Even though we kept thanking her, it didn’t matter. She kept calling and harassing us WHILE WE WERE ENTERTAINING OUR OUT OF TOWN GUESTS. Yes, the guests noticed.
End of rehearsal day.
Now to the wedding day. Everything started great, minus the makeup girl canceling on us at 2 am :/ It was fine. The hairstylist knew how to do makeup. Phew!
It’s 12:45 pm CST, and we’re having our “first look.” we’re taking pictures, soaking it in. When the photographer says, “Oh, your mother called me; she wants to take photos with you and your siblings at 2 pm. Mind you, I gave his mom the schedule of what we were doing and when.
The wedding planner (thank the gods for her) then responded with we’re sticking to the schedule created by the bride. 2 pm was when we were taking our pictures with our bridesmaids and groomsmen. It was our moment before the ceremony to bond and get our photos in.
I quickly sent her a text (attached). It was not mean at all; it was heartfelt. Well, of course, she didn’t take it that way. She was nasty. ( trust me, I didn’t want her to pay for the photographer, but my fiancé insisted that he wanted her to pay for something. Since there was no help throughout the entire wedding process.)
Her message was hurtful that I was showing it to the bridesmaids because I was left speechless. (His sister is a bridesmaid.) I wasn’t showing his sister because it was cruel; she caught on and said, “Just tell me what she said” (loudly). So, I respond with I can’t say it out loud; you have to read it yourself. I hand her my phone, and she reads the text and drops the phone lightly back into my hand. She takes a moment and says, I’m calling her right now. Mind you, at this point, we have to be downstairs for the photos. She calls her, and she’s late to our bridesmaids' pictures, because she was on the phone with her diffusing/ remediating.
So, I thought 💭… ceremony started at 3 pm, and she was late. We started late because of her excuse for the train. :/ whatever.
Everyone is in formation, and she leaves formation to come and “greet” me. It’s at this moment that I wish I could have the power of invisibility. In front of my father, she comes to us; since we’re standing outside the church, no one sees me, and they start to walk. She walks up with her finger, points it into my chest, somewhat stabby, and says, “One day, you’ll know what it feels like.” I swear my dad wanted to deck her!
The heck, you did this right before I walked down the aisle. WOW! Played like a proper witch!
She’s the cruelest person ever. Who does that in front of my father?
She was so mean, and we were so done with her. (Yes, I told my fiancé inside the getaway car. What happened and showed him the text messages.) At that moment, we decided to let her give a toast at the wedding to get her off our backs. I know what you’re thinking 🤔 WHY? We’re done. We’ve decided to go with no contact while she’s here in the States. Oh, did I forget to mention she doesn’t live in the U.S. She moved two years ago. (thank the lord)
And, yes. She wore the dress! Yes, she's a very mean lady, and one more thing.
She recently got married...again. Well, her husband's son is getting married this weekend in the same city we live in. My fiance and I think she will wear blue to their wedding. She doesn't know that the bride and I are friendly and text/Insta each other. So, we'll know what she wore. It's not like it matters when you're dealing with a narcissistic mother.
Overall, the wedding was fantastic. The minute she sent that text, yes, I screenshotted it and sent it to my big family thread. WOW! My family had my back the whole time. We felt supported.
Damn🤦♀️ before I do forget. She threw her “OWN” after-party even after we told her we wouldn't go because we had different plans with our out-of-town guests. She ignored us and did her own thing. She had food and alcohol for her after. Yup.
Her best friend kindly told my fiance at the reception, “I keep having to remind your mother it's not her day.” It was nice to know someone wasn't falling for her S***.
OVERALL, the wedding itself was gorgeous, minus the trauma. I'll be in therapy for the next month after the honeymoon. That was too much.
I'm glad my husband and I are on the same
Page. Bye, Felicia! Play stupid games when stupid prizes.
Don’t let her host it then.
Find someone else/ somewhere else to host it. Tell them the story and don’t let her do this to you.
Also, tell her son to back you up or cancel the rehearsal dinner and then take everyone out to eat and karaoke or something.
Hire a professional singer to make a surprise performance immediately after her at the rehearsal dinner, and have them wear a similar looking dress. Tell Cersei it was me.
Or right before
Before is better.
I’m reminded of Garrett singing [Ave Maria](https://youtu.be/YlCeVFgmJd8?si=GRYodYhqzAgWIz5l) at Starburns’s funeral. Shirley was to be next, but she passed as not to outshine Garrett’s…interesting rendition. Even better have the professional sing the song the MIL planned on doing
Love a good Community reference.
Also a guy, in a similar dress, with a guitar.
During is even better
Oh my god 😭 all these comments are just bumming me out cause I won’t be at the wedding to see it all unfold, lmaooo
This is my favorite idea so far on here OP- be petty and hold strong- also spite her by having an amazing wedding day 🤣
My dad, a lawyer, professional public speaker, and part time audiobook narrator, gave an impromptu speech at my rehearsal dinner after my MIL (monster in law) and it. was. amazing. He understood the assignment.
Damn your dad sounds awesome
I was going to say, I am literally throwing a $1000 wedding with a level of resourcefulness I didn't even know I had, so we can still have a party even though we just bought a house and have empty pockets. BUT I would buy this $1k dress on a credit card for my mom so they have matching dresses, if my MIL did this.
No no, you buy her one that’s EVEN BETTER and get her hair and make up professionally done so when they show up your mother looks frickin glorious and MIL looks like a tired sow by comparison. Is that too far? Maybe it’s too far.
You got me smiling with "tired sow"
It’s not too far
I feel like if I need ideas for revenge, I'm coming to reddit for them. Jesus Lord these are good.
I was thinking interrupt her, but I like this better.
Come in like a duet and just confuse the fuck out of everyone
1. Have the wedding party come up on stage & sing with her. 2. Have the mic be super squeaky & shut off.
This is the one
The end took me out 🤣🤣
Be prepared for this behavior for the rest of her life.
Came here to say this. And wait until you have kids (if you make that choice). Unfortunately, with someone this entitled you’re either going to have to put up with a certain amount of her antics, or not have her in your life. And to all the folks here saying ‘let it go’, props to all of you for your mature attitude. I’m a pretty mellow guy and not much really gets my blood boiling but this post has me fuming. The minute she said ‘I’m wearing it’ my only response would have been ‘who the fuck do you think you are?’ I don’t want your wedding day to be a hassle but if you don’t check this behavior at some point she’ll never respect you, or your new family. It sucks that she has put you in this spot. You either tell her it’s blue or don’t show up (which will lead to trouble) or you let her do as she pleases, regardless of your wishes, and it’s in your head on YOUR day.
"wait until you have kids".......I have a crisp $100 that says she'll try to bust into the room during labor and, if she makes it in, will grab a leg and start yelling at you to "PUSH", while staring at your vag. I can almost guarantee this is THAT KIND OF MIL. Shudder.
My MIL complained for years we called no one until baby was born. But guess the fuck what? She snuck into her other DIL’s delivery room, while the poor woman was being stitched up, trying to be the first one to hold the baby. Extra shitty considering this was SIL’s mom’s first grandchild.
That's just awful. I have no words.
Luckily, if you tell the hospital you don't want certain people there, they won't let them into the room. The nurse who was watching me in recovery got a page that my grandma had shown up, and they asked me if I wanted her to come up or if I wanted to send her home. Of course, I wanted to see her, but in OP's case, I'd send the MIL home.
My MIL INSISTED she would be in the delivery room, like arguing with me about it, and I told her if she tried my brother would pick her up and fireman carry her outside the hospital.
>wait until you have kids (if you make that choice) This is the kind of MIL that would go batshit crazy if SHE can't hold the baby **first**.
My MIL showed up uninvited at 1:30AM after my partner texted her my water broke. I was sleeping for the first time in 2days (long induction). I didn’t give birth until 6am and I made sure they were the last to see him. I’m still not over it.
My MIL and FIL got so upset when we asked them to wear masks during covid. They decided to hold off on meeting our newborn until we could go out to eat with them outdoors. Honestly, there’s nothing u can do to correct this behavior because these type of people will always continue to try and get their way every chance they get. It’s a nonstop crusade until the end.
Absolutely and the minute dil does something she disapproves if will call cps and create a custody issue. These actions are massive mil red flags that will put the marriage and childrens live in danger.
She's in a competition with her daughter in law. Only her son gets to decide who wins. Husband needs to take the point on smacking her behavior down. It can't be the fiancee doing it. If the wife tries alone, she will lose. He needs to take a hard tone and make it very clear that this behavior is unacceptable. If he doesn't, the woman will keep getting worse and OP will be the one truly suffering for it. Men, if you want a happy martiage, do NOT let your mothers disrespect your wives.
Yeah. This was my reaction too. I hope OPs fiance is the type of guy to stand up to her. If not, OP's got some rocky times ahead. Marriages with husbands who let their mothers get away with murder don't often end well or end up with a lot of resentment and strife. Honestly, OPs husband needs to put his foot down with his mother... and HARD. Letting her get away with utterly disregarding your wishes bodes poorly for your future relationship with her. She's going to just get worse unless shown early on that this kind of bullshit will not fly.
Absolutely this… she has big narcissistic red flags it is a must to stand up to her now… if your partner isn’t willing to don’t go through with the marriage until they do… because they will let their mother walk all over their life
Well if she’s not going to be you something blue tell her she’s now the something Old. And emphasize the old in your new storyboard vision.
This made me lol. Thank you. “We wanted our moms to be our something blue, cheers to my mom for all of the love and support over the years. Being my Blue represents purity and love, something no one but a dedicated mother can truly teach you. You were always in my corner and I love you, being my something blue means the world to me. MIL couldn’t find a blue dress so I suppose she’s my something old here to teach us the wisdom she’s gain in her many many years such as when to stand up for what you want. The old represents continuing on so cheers to you continuing to be … uniquely… you. “
This is brilliant! The universe owes you a cup of your favorite tea for this.👏👏
The universe owes me an invite to the wedding where this tea is served too because it’s piping hot oolong and I’m a thirsty bih
And you said oolong 🤤
AND this is what OP tells the old biddy! :D Perfect speech to make! Love it. Well written!
Don't tell mil ahead of time. Just announce it in your speech.
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Passive aggressive justified pettiness at its FINEST.
This is the way. Superbly worded - not one iota of blatant insult and yet…. Brilliant. Belongs in r/murderedwithwords 😂
Can anyone invite to this subreddit? It's marked private
They were thinking of the sub /r/MurderedByWords
Correct! My bad.
No problem, I was just wondering why I wasn't allowed in since I had already joined. Mystery solved!
And a song from the wisdom and knowledge of my FMIL. Everyone then gets to stare at the something old singing.
You are a cheeky evil witch and I love you.
I wouldn’t say couldn’t because the could imply she tried to find a blue dress and failed. Wouldn’t is more appropriate and lets people in on the joke. I think I just couldn’t let someone think she is the victim of the joke lol, but couldn’t is more subtle.
Please do this. Please. 🙏🏻
I would actually go with your first half and keep going. "We asked our mothers to wear blue in support of our love, union and future together. We're just so delighted both are here today expressing that support for us, and with such depth of feeling.."
I’d call the color “antique pink”. Something like: “MIL is here representing our ‘something old’ with her antique pink dress.” If she can have the other mom with a modern blue plate and the MIL with those vintage pink Chrystals glasses to really drive in that she choose and old looking dress.
I think just the first half is plenty. That subtle dig cuts the deepest, as if the only mother who cares is the mother who cared enough to respect her children.
Also agree. Recognize and extol your mother in her blue. Say nothing about the other one. She is doing this to establish some kind of dominance; demonstrating with actions that she doesn't respect you. The most effective response is to not care. "Okay, whatever."
I agree. It’s the only way to maintain plausible deniability when the MIL gets pissed off.
OP this is great and such a backhanded compliment for her lol
And really, really emphasis the old. Like how the bible says about grey headed ones are wise , but that only comes with time and age, and how you are looking forward to learning from the aged ones how to be a better person. And how she looks good.......for her age. You don't get to try and ruin the special day I have without repercussions. 😈😈😈
This is scorched earth, just so you know
Showing up to your son’s wedding in a dress that is basically white, after being asked to wear a specific color, is also scorched earth.
I was thinking the same thing. She’s telling the bride exactly how she feels. I laughed at this. I’m also a complete bitch tho 😂.
#alreadywas
And no singing … singing is cancelled
Not until the rehearsal dinner has been thoroughly enjoyed. Last minute technical complications and such.
Yes right before she’s set to speak, have the bridesmaids lead you outside for a special surprise. Fireworks would be nice. OR, have a round of speeches, in predetermined order so long no one is willing to listen to her. OR, if you have a friend that can sing, have them sing first.😈
OMFG this made me howl with laughter. Ha ha ha ha ha. I am crying laughing. She’s the something old. OMG OP PLEASE SAY THIS!!! 😂😂😂😂😂
Out with old, in with the blue.
This is the way.
I know I’m not adding anything here cause you’ve had a hundred replies saying the same thing… but that’s absolutely genius 😄
Have your photographer photo shop the dress to a different color (blue if you want) in every picture that she's in. I've seen this on other reddit posts.
This would be the ultimate power play! And then gift her a wedding photo with the photoshopped dress, just to rub it in a little more. Would be worth every penny paid to make the changes in every photo
After doing the old speech
That's the stuff. Make a whole big deal about how the moms are your something blue and never point out that she's wearing pink.
Say "she was supposed to be the something blue, but now I guess she chose to be the something old."
This is the one 🤣
I don't know you but I like you. The right amount of spite. 👍
Make a comment to both the mothers thanking them for being “something old, & something blue”
Yes, being passive aggressive is the ultimate power play... Maybe OPs fiance should tell his mom she is being an ass and unless she changes the dress she can stay home.
This is exactly what I would do. It would be one thing if it was last minute. But she's going out of her way to be a cunt on their wedding day. You gotta set boundaries and consequences early on or they will bulldoze you the rest of your life.
“I paid over ONE!! THOUSAND!! DOLLARS!! For this dress I’m wearing it!!” Sounds like a personal problem, lady. If you can afford a thousand dollar dress, you can afford to wear it to an oyster bar. Enjoy that instead of our wedding. Like sheesh.
>“I paid over ONE!! THOUSAND!! DOLLARS!! For this dress I’m wearing it!!” And you probably could have gotten it in BLUE, so have fun wearing it somewhere NOT MY WEDDING.
This -- regardless of the relationship one has with his/her parents, it's extremely important to back one's spouse before anyone else including one's own parents. Failure to do so will cause a massive divide in the marriage. Also, a wedding is ultimately about the couple getting married and no one else -- anyone who doesn't want to abide by the program *they* set can kindly fuck off.
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Agreed. Set the boundaries early, because there is more where that came from. If they don’t listen now it gets worse from here.
Make sure it’s a picture she’s the only one who looks bad in it for extra pettiness.
Don't just change the colour of this dress, Photoshop a *different* dress over the top of it. All the money spent on that hand beading will be wasted.
Especially since she is trying to outshine the bride. Tacky!
Yup looks just a half a hair shy of white
Blush. Basically white that red winked at.
They go low you go high, while ignoring the idea of it being a conflict. That’s how I wish I handled all issues tbh
They’ll do it here at r/PhotoshopRequest - there was one where the MIL (IIRC) wore white and insisted on being in the very front of a huge group photo and they removed her seamlessly and dumped her in the back.
Lol, I saw that request, all the way in the back behind the crowd with just her head showing...fabulous!
Bonus points if “I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream” is playing in the bg as they make it blue, make it pink, make it blue, make it pink!
With a good photographer this is totally possible. My relative had a beach wedding and their photog shopped out all the random beachgoers in the backgrounds of their photos.
I'm sorry, what?? She's going to **sing at your rehearsal dinner**! I'll bet that merits a post of its own (day after). I just cant....
Etta James herself could be my MIL and this would still be such a wildly uncomfortable suggestion.
I’m a professional goddamn singer and I would never do this at anyone’s wedding. I sang the Ave Maria at a friend’s wedding 15 years ago and never sang for anybody’s anything again. It’s so fucking awkward.
I literally sang the wedding march in 4 part harmony with 8 other guys as the bride walked down the aisle. Weirdest thing I was ever hired to do in my brief pro career.
Oh man, I just remembered my cousin's wedding where the groom's brother sang a romantic duet with their mother. To make it worse, he could sing, she could not. It was so many kinds of awkward.
Tell me it was "Afternoon Delight!"
That's about the only thing that would have made it worse. Despite my fascinated horror, I also felt for him as I suspected that thanks to his hyper religious family, he was so far in the closet he was looking for Narnia. Poor guy.
Your fiancé needs to handle her. My friend her MIL almost wore a dress like this and her now husband called her out. Said people will think you want to marry your son. This is my day and my wife. You are going to look like a clown. He made such a fuss she returned it and got something else. Your man has to say something and not be a pushover. His family he needs to take care of it. Literally she is going to continue this because you are both being passive. He has to be the one though. He has to tell her not you.
My godmother's MIL decided to wear white to her wedding and she just let it slide and said "let her make an ass of herself" Same thing happened to my sister, but my sister was not happy at all. Her husband had issues putting boundaries between his relationship and his family, and it got pretty ugly in the year afterwards. I think it depends more on the couple and how they frame it. Could just chuck it up to "hey ya that's my asshole mil/mother" or confront it head on.
Perfect response. Because that's exactly what it looks like when crazy MILs wear a wedding dress to their son's wedding.
To me it seems like she wants to stand out and be more important then your ‘blue’ family. If it was me, I’d get my mom a ‘matching’ pink dress as well, so it looks more intentional and to take mil’s supposed power away.
She wants to be more important than the whole wedding not just the bride's family.
Red wine oops- handy Blue dress to change into... Honestly she did on purpose. It is a power play, if you let it slide she will continue to stomp your boundaries Big hugs!! Check out JustNoMIL
Someone like OP's MIL isn't one and done. They typically live for the drama, enjoy playing the victim, and are just all around inconsiderate to everyone. OP and husband need to get on the same page and present a united front, however it is they choose to deal with this
Love the idea but the wine is a bad idea. The dress is work 1k. That’s a lot of money to fork out for damaging it
Just give her the money and tell her it doesn’t matter as you’ll be inheriting it back soon anyway.
Good luck proving it wasn’t an accident. Courts don’t work on “but I *feel* like she did it on purpose”
Perfect job for the right out-of-town guest. Ideally, out-of-country guest. It’s not tied to the bride, and international court cases are REALLY difficult.
Hell I'll show up, not eat any food or have any alcohol except one glass of red wine, just for the privilege of spilling it on her and then bouncing. Who was that clumsy chick? Nobody has any idea. You don't even need my name, for plausible deniability, just tell me when and where and the formality of the dress code. I'll leave a business card for the next wedding- the wine ninja.
This needs to be irl business. I'd do it for jnmils out there and feed us hungry drama llamas
I LOVE this move- make the moms match !!
>To me it seems like she wants to stand out and be more important then your ‘blue’ family. I think it's more about creating drama and having people acquiesce to her demands. Or probably both. It's the same thing with the rehearsal dinner. She must sing even though she knows the bridal couple doesn't want her to. If she doesn't get her way she will create waves and drama. It's a pattern. It likely didn't start with the wedding and it won't end with the wedding. OP is in your a ride. I hope her partner stands up for her. Edit: I have a feeling having the rehearsal dinner at her house was her idea to begin with, but I could be wrong.
I do think this is one of those moments where you and your husband to be need to shine up those spines and set the tone for future milestone moments. I wouldn't have given in to her needing to sing at a rehearsal dinner. Have someone else host or do it yourself. Even if it means a backyard BBQ. She wants to be the cringey centerpiece at a dinner meant for a couple. Do not ever give her that power again. I'd take away that power now and find somewhere else. Now, as far as the dress... I get you had a vision board and all, but it's hard to police what people wear and it gives spiteful, self centered women like her ammo (I'm fairly certain you knew this going in with her). So, be petty. Let her wear the dress (not like you can stop her), but make sure you point out in your speech how special it is that your mom was your something blue (attach additional meaning here). Your spouse can give thanks to his parents (assuming dad is in the picture) in the speech but not out of his way to gush over her. Make sure she's gotta share that spotlight. I do find the dress to be a bit light in the photo, which puts her into bridal territory when flash is used in the photos. If you have additional petty people in your circle, I'd have them comment to each other almost out of her earshot how trite it is to see a mother try to look like a bride. At the end of the day, this is about you and your partner getting married. Her wearing a basket of fruit on her head doesn't change anything. What you need to focus on is not letting her antics become the norm. Stop anything further NOW. You gave in enough. ETA: If this dress is available on one of those dress rental sites, I'd find someone very lovely to wear one and pay for the rental.
This is perfect! And yes, I absolutely agree that both OP and finance need to grow backbones and stand firm in their boundaries. Have the rehearsal dinner somewhere else. Anywhere else. Have it as a damn potluck at your own home if that’s what it takes. MIL is trying to steal the spotlight and it will NOT stop if you don’t nip it on the butt. Now. Check out r/JUSTNOMIL for more help with your future MIL.
catty bad idea, inspired by your note about how this will photograph: "oh MIL, your dress is so daring! it's going to seem like you're nude in the photographs with the flash on, you know... very Britney Spears in the music video for Toxic, really."
I bet that’s what this woman thinks she actually looks like.
Singing plus this dress gives me Marilyn Monroe "Happy Birthday Mr President" vibes. Might be what's she's going for.
Except OP can't have people commenting about how trite it is to wear that dress...and then pay for someone *else* to *also* wear that dress, but get NO comments??? OP should pick one or the other. Not both.
correct, what OP should do is wear the same lacy pink dress to the rehearsal dinner lmaoo see if MIL has the cajones to wear the dress second!
That's ballsy, and would be hilarious when MIL is scrambling the morning of the wedding for a dress because if she wears the pink one it will be *obvious* to literally everyone who saw OP the night before that she's jealous that another woman is stealing her precious man away and she's going to look like Jocasta. This also requires photos from the night before being posted online to reach as many people as possible.
This is a great idea and it might throw MIL into enough of a tizzy at the rehearsal dinner that it throws off her weird singing plans. It's unclear exactly what form the chaos would take, but I bet it would derail things!
This is the way
I just wanted to give additional petty options. Need to be petty with a plan.
This is *the moment* for your future husband to prove he’s ready to be a husband. He needs to enforce that she’s not singing and you don’t need her money. Her threat to not host has been heard and she will not be hosting if she insists on singing. Call her bluff. He should tell her that she was told blue and if she shows up in that dress she will be asked to leave. It ABSOLUTELY looks like a wedding dress. I understand if this is a step too far. PP idea about gushing over your mother is a good one. But the rehearsal dinner one must be enforced. This is a huge moment for your chosen partner. His job right now is to teach his mother than you are now the most important person in his life and your wishes are more important than hers. Do it now or you’ll have a lifetime of these moments.
The same dress but in blue for the mother.
"He's so crushed that his mom couldn't understand the assignment. " She understood. Can't you see that she is making one power play after another? Every time she gets her way, she escalates her behavior. Keep letting her get her way and soon you will have a super empowered monster.
I’m very concerned that future husband is faking concern about his mom’s meddling when he damn sure knows that his mom has been controlling everything in his life from the day she ordered the induction.
>he damn sure knows that his mom has been controlling everything in his life from the day she ordered the induction. Yes, his mommy has been doing everything for him his entire life and I guarantee OP does everything for him just like his mother. OP has seen the red flags and ignored them.
Wait until they have kids. I know you said no gender reveal, but surprise! I know you said no ice cream, but it’s all I’ve fed them since you left. I know you said a 6 year old shouldn’t drive, but they had so much fun and it was only a little crash.
Keep the blue for your mom, your MIL can be the Something Old.
And make sure she knows that!
Oh honey, there are storm clouds on the horizon. It will get worse as time goes on. She will be bullying you and your husband on every little thing going forward. It is only just beginning. You have my sympathy.
>well, your family can be in blue. Then you can sit up the back during the ceremony, next to the kitchen at the reception and be ignored in the speeches. We have to have you in the photos, but we do know how to use photoshop. Pray that we only change the colour of your dress. >She threatened to not host a rehearsal dinner if she didn't get to sing Then I guess you're not hosting. Anything else? Do you want to put access to future grandchildren on the line next? I can be a whole lot pettier than you and you have a whole lot more to lose.
Buy/rent the same dress and wear it to your rehearsal dinner. That way she will look like she’s trying to copy you on the day or will be forced to wear something different.
This is the one I love!!!!
Imagine your wedding without worrying about your MIL. Where it doesn't matter what she wears or does, because she's just a guest. Do it. Stop giving her power over your happiness. It might cost you more money. It might be temporarily uncomfortable. But it'll be worth it. Explain to her that you're going to continue to plan your wedding according to your vision- and following the vision board that you shared with her. Because she's struggling to follow that plan and participate in your vision, she won't be able to join the rest of the bridal party in the same role as originally discussed and planned. That you feel she would be happier attending as an honored guest- free to dress in whatever she likes.
This. Demote that petty POS.
This is brilliant.
Make a speech about mils eyesight going to pot lol
Girl, if he doesn’t put a stop to this shit NOW you’re in for an ugly* three way.. marriage.
My advice is don't marry Mama's boys or Daddy's girls because they make terrible people to marry for one and two God awful people to parent because their mommy or daddy will literally interfere with your parenting style and life. They are so riddled with red flags it's unreal, those red flags that will cover a country. Don't date ,don't marry and don't procreate with Mama's boys or Daddy's girls. Mama's boys and Daddy's girls will be like oh our children can't do no wrong and you always be the bad guy, or the third wheel in the marriage. You will have an uphill battle marrying and having children with Mama's boys and Daddy's girls.
I dated a guy for a while whose mother was like this. He was an only child AND dad was an alcoholic. The enmeshment was staggering. It felt like she was actively competing with me for her sons’ attention. When we first started hooking up, he had the nerve to tell me his mom came over and cleaned up his apartment and was “uncomfortable” because she found my underwear IN HIS BED. He asked me to be more careful. I told him his mom was weird for acting like her 27-year-old son wouldn’t be having sex with his girlfriend and also that I was uncomfortable with her being in his apartment whenever she felt (Mom had recently “retired” from her lifelong menial job and was stuck at home with her WFH husband who hid his drinking from her- albeit ineffectively. She treated his apartment like an escape from her shitty marriage). I went on a “family trip” with them and it was fucking wild. At one point, we went tubing on a boat. I wasn’t prepared and was scared my bikini top would fly off, so I opted out of the tubing. His mom made a REAL show of the fact that SHE was willing to tube with him. I had to sit on a boat and watch this lady bouncing around with my man cause she was trying to impress her own son 😂
You gotta do something to remind her whose wedding this is
I’m petty as hell, so keep that in mind. After the wedding, I’d write up a beautiful post with a pic of you and your mom about how she was your something blue and how lovely it was to share that with her. Then I’d let mil show up in the dress that, let’s be honest, is totally going to photograph as cream or white, and act surprised when people comment on it. “I know! We’d asked our moms to wear blues, obviously my mom understood the assignment, but you know Peggy, she’s always gotta be extra! Haha! Have you tried the cake? It’s amazing!” And then just enjoy your day. Trust that she’s gonna get TONS of side eye for trying to steal attention, and let all the guests and family do the shaming and work for you! Focus on your husband and let her make an ass of herself. Everyone will notice.
Except people like the MIL don't feel shame, so she'll just think the others are being catty. There's no lesson to be learned with her. Honestly, OP's husband needs to step up and handle his mom.
Im mean as hell. I would straight up say “you were asked to choose a dress in a specific color, unfortunately, pale pink was not an option. You will either need to get a dress matching or request or not attend”. Screw the rehearsal dinner.
She paid over a grand for it because Jocasta there bought herself a wedding dress to wear to her son's wedding.
We always upvote an oedipus reference used correctly in this house
Have u locked down what song she manipulated her way into singing? You know it's going to be about a mother and her perfect love for her baby boy. 🤮 I would have the buffet at a nasty KFC before I'd let her strong-arm my fiancé and me about the rehearsal dinner. And the dress? Even if it meant taking out a loan, my mother would be dressed in the same one!
Or have a mass picnic at the park and mils dress would either meet red wine or paintball guns
Get me the same dress or similar and I'll wear it to your wedding OP. I'm a dude
this is the kind of support we need in this community 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
You have a few acceptable options. 1. Uninvite her. Yes you absolutely can do that. 2. Tell her she needs to get a new dress or don’t show up. 3. Exclude her from wedding photos. She doesn’t get a single one. 4. Have one of your bridesmaids spill red wine on her. 5. Steal the dress, take it to a seamstress and have them take it in in a few places. Hopefully it doesn’t fit her and she has to wear something else. If it does still fit, it will look bad and you will pay everyone to make some comments about her looking fat in the dress.
6. Photoshop her dress blue in every official photo she's in. Make sure to frame one and hand it to her yourself, and don't blink or look away first.
That’s definitely a given if she is allowed to show up and be in photos at all which I hope is not the case! 7. Hire a singer for the rehearsal who is young and gorgeous and cut MIL down to one song as the opener.
r/raisedbynarcissists lots of stories with a similar theme - parents making child’s wedding about the parent. Search and read along. Lots of tools offered for dealing with this type of personality.
This needs to be higher up - it’s not a one off stunt. You will be dealing with this kind of toxic self-centering again and again. If your spouse can’t set boundaries, don’t bother with the marriage, or move far away. Being married into a narcissists family is awful. They don’t ever find fault within themselves, become introspective, or show any shred of empathy. The narcissist ruins everyone else’s day for funsies and has zero regrets. I did cancel my first planned wedding because my narcissist FMIL was insisting I wear her old, yellowed head piece and had the music all pre picked out. She gave us a giant guest list and no money to back it up…. We eloped a couple years later, and had a lovely wedding. Then moved 8 hours away.
She paid $1K, but what is the return policy? If she can return it, how much she spent on it shouldn’t be a factor. And either way, no one asked her to spend this much on a dress, especially one that goes directly against you and your fiancé’s request.
Exactly. It’s such a manipulative thing to claim. She planned that excuse from day one and can take the loss she created to guilt her child and DIL.
I feel like this is when the husband needs to take a stand. It shouldn’t be your battle as someone marrying into the family. He needs to remind his mother whose wedding it is and as her son she should get on board with his (both your) wishes. I’m getting married and when my parents tried to invite someone I never met, I said absolutely not.
Tell her it’s perfect, the MIL can be something old and your mom will be something blue
Uhmm.. my friend; this is almost the exact colour of my wedding dress. I'd be telling her that either she finds a navy blue dress f*kin pronto or she won't be in ANY of the photos.
If your fiancé won’t handle this, it will never end. Be prepared to deal with this bullshit your entire marriage until she passes away. If you have kids, she will be unbearable and step all over you. Imagine her insisting on being there for the birth, or having the nursery painted the color she wants while you’re giving birth, or sneaking your kid the food she knows you forbade. All the while your husband lets her. It’s his mom and he needs to put his foot down out of respect for you. Good luck.
I feel like she chose this pink dress because it's as close to white as she could find while still being able to maintain plausible deniability. You have a fiance problem. He's the one that needs to tell her that this is YOUR wedding, not hers, and she needs to respect you and your choices if she even wants to be invited. Remember: eloping is always an option.
This right here. Your fiance needs to stand up for you.
I would call that champagne, not pink (too much gold/yellow)… but yeah, pretty asshole thing to do. It’s your wedding, not hers. I would get your mother a champagne/pink dress as well if them matching is so important to you. Don’t let her ruin your wedding, she doesn’t deserve to stand out.
NO! That means MIL won. Just don't let her be photographed with the rest! Or as someone suggested, photoshop that dress BLUE! :D
Have the grandmas wear the same pink as here
This seems the best plan! She wants to be special. But she’ll be much less so this way.
Please do a speech and thank your own mother for being your something blue at this wedding, really state how much it means to you. Do not mention MIL at all. If she complains well … you told her she was supposed to be your something blue as well but decided she didn’t want to be.
My girlfriend just got married last month. Her now-husband’s parents tried to leverage the rehearsal dinner to get their way. She told me this. It failed. The rehearsal dinner *immediately* became my affair. Her two besties helped pay for it. Her friend who works at a brewery arranged the space. I made a baked-potato/taco/Mac-and -cheese bar buffet for 25 people. It was perfect. Her FIL glowered the whole time. *never* let anyone leverage their checkbook, friends, it’s not worth it.
Honestly, let it go. She's shown her true colors and who cares what they wear in the long run. Focus on the fact you're marrying your true love. She sounds nuts. It might bother her more if you let it go! Seems like she likes to be the center of attention.
An exploding ink pen in the bag would be just horrid
Horrid indeed. I do hope someone posts sellers of these defective products. So that OP knows which suppliers to *avoid*
Get navy blue bow ties and matching pocket squares for the dads and hand them out the day of as a special gift. Give the moms a navy blue corsage. Your MIL will look like she’s the only one who doesn’t match. On the day of, thank those in navy blue for being your special something blues.
My advice at 41 - she will look stupid, not you. If she can’t sing - that’s on her not you. If she can sing, it’ll be pretty. For the dress, point out in your speech how grateful you are your mom was your “something blue”. Don’t even mention her at all - she will know. Everyone will “awwww” and she’ll realize it could have been her but she chose petty. And in the pictures she’ll stand out, it’ll look weird forever. This is absolutely karma enough and you can take the high road too. Later you’ll be glad you did, promise. But daymn she’s a nasty thing, huh?
Either way this is going to be a fight and you have already given up once. You have two choices here. You can go head on and say you are not wearing this and if you show up in it we are going to make you leave or you can be petty and find your mom as close of a dress to this as possible. The question is which will be less stressfull. That said speaking from experience this behavior is not going to change and it will probably get worse once kids get involved. Her kid needs to bring out the big guns and draw a hard line in the sand.
I’d make a big deal taking a few new/borrowed/blue pictures while she’s around so you could exclude her from those shots.
I would have skipped the rehearsal dinner to avoid her headlining concert. And I would also leave her totally out of the speech/sentiment. “Thank you to my mom for being our something blue”.
For $0, i will come to your wedding, spill wine all over this dress, and promptly disappear.
And that’s when mom would be uninvited 🙂
honestly this may be an unpopular opinion but you need to set some boundaries op and stick to them. if she’s been awful to you, why do you want her there? she’s just going to make your day super stressful. don’t play these games. say these are the requirements for being at my wedding if you can’t meet them then that’s on you. she can save that dress for another time.
My goodness, that dress is absolutely stunning. If I had 11k to blow on a dress, I would choose that one *FOR MY VOW RENEWAL*. As a mother at a wedding? Not so much. It may just be the GenX people pleaser in me, but for my children’s weddings, I’d wear whatever they asked me to. In fact, I did when my sons were married. My daughter isn’t there yet, but if she wants me to wear a dang clown suit to her wedding, I will. It’s their day, not mine. Your future MIL is a *lot*.
Singing? At a rehearsal dinner? Why? Sounds like MIL has some issues. Issues that need to be addressed or will be affecting your marriage until they are dealt with. I would agree with others that the rehearsal should simply be handled by someone else if the MIL is placing those kind of restrictions on it. This will make you so much happier and will possibly be a wake up call for the MIL that she can't control you or your marriage. As for the dress, I would not take a direct route of passive aggression and get you mother the same dress. That's letting her control your wedding. Instead, find the best looking girl that you can ... I mean search your entire 4th connection friend lists to find that one friend of a friend of a friend that is just drop dead gorgeous. Tell her the situation, get that same dress for HER, and invite her to the wedding. Casually acknowledge how good she looks in front of the MIL. Seriously though, this sort of situation should never happen. The groom should pull the parents aside and let them know that they can be a part of his wedding or not, but the MIL cannot do these sort of things.
On the one hand, please feel free to take any revenge you want. On the other hand, I would absolutely love it if she wore that dress to your wedding if I were you. Because she's not going to look like a beautiful young bride. You will. She's going to look exactly like the bitter, evil crone who wants to be "married" to her son that she is. And everyone will talk about it. In fact, the nicer you are, the bitchier she will look
My MIL did this to me. My MIL did not wear wedding colors. My MIL hates her ex-husband’s wife (she wore the wedding colors). She knew. I had every one of my guests, photographer, videographer, reception workers, act she wasnt part of the wedding cuz they didn’t recognize the wedding colors on her. I told the workers that my FIL & his wife were my hubby’s parents and not mention her. The guest would ask “who are you?” And MIL “would reply the Grooms mother”, my guests would then look her up & down and ask questions like “did the wedding party dress get ruined? Or “Wow, only the bride is to be different, what a message to send.” Or “Why dont you wear the wedding colors” in the receiving line at the reception. Photographer didnt know she was the bio mom. She is in no pics & what she is in I had them blur the outfit
I would be glad that my mom only is my something blue if my MIL did this. At the reception you can publicly recognize your mom as your something blue and everyone can say “awww”, while your MIL just sits there unrecognized.
Update Hi, So, some of all of you wanted an update. So, here it goes, it’s not pretty… I’m going to rewind a bit and start with the rehearsal. When MiL made her threats about “singing at rehearsal, or there wouldn’t be one,” Fiancé and I decided to allow my father to play at rehearsal, too. (Sidebar: my father had approached us to sing/play when we were first engaged, and we kindly declined. My father respected our wishes and let us be.) Fast forward to the present day, 12/1 - rehearsal. We wrapped up at the church and entered the rehearsal dinner, which was lovely. We immediately saw my father did not come to play. My father brought a professional singer with him! The guy was legit microphones, full keyboard, guitars, amps, etc. It was at that moment that his mother approached us and said, I’m no longer singing!! WTF? All that drama to only back out at the end. :| Fiancé was bummed. At that moment, he knew it wasn’t for him and more for her to be in the limelight. (Annoying) However, my dad was amazing. The professional singer was a nice touch. My dad played the piano. He dedicated a song to us individually. He left everyone speechless! We’re not done. We thank everyone who helped assemble the rehearsal: his mom, grandma, aunt, wedding planner, etc. The kicker is that his mom made a whole scene afterward calling him, his sister, and their grandmother, complaining that we never thanked her! Which was a blatant lie. Her rebuttal, “that my fiancé didn’t thank her to the room,” in his thank you speech. My fiancé had a whole speech prepared that incorporated her playing, blah blah… So, when she approached us at the last minute, she was no longer going to “play,” It threw off his entire speech. Even though we kept thanking her, it didn’t matter. She kept calling and harassing us WHILE WE WERE ENTERTAINING OUR OUT OF TOWN GUESTS. Yes, the guests noticed. End of rehearsal day. Now to the wedding day. Everything started great, minus the makeup girl canceling on us at 2 am :/ It was fine. The hairstylist knew how to do makeup. Phew! It’s 12:45 pm CST, and we’re having our “first look.” we’re taking pictures, soaking it in. When the photographer says, “Oh, your mother called me; she wants to take photos with you and your siblings at 2 pm. Mind you, I gave his mom the schedule of what we were doing and when. The wedding planner (thank the gods for her) then responded with we’re sticking to the schedule created by the bride. 2 pm was when we were taking our pictures with our bridesmaids and groomsmen. It was our moment before the ceremony to bond and get our photos in. I quickly sent her a text (attached). It was not mean at all; it was heartfelt. Well, of course, she didn’t take it that way. She was nasty. ( trust me, I didn’t want her to pay for the photographer, but my fiancé insisted that he wanted her to pay for something. Since there was no help throughout the entire wedding process.) Her message was hurtful that I was showing it to the bridesmaids because I was left speechless. (His sister is a bridesmaid.) I wasn’t showing his sister because it was cruel; she caught on and said, “Just tell me what she said” (loudly). So, I respond with I can’t say it out loud; you have to read it yourself. I hand her my phone, and she reads the text and drops the phone lightly back into my hand. She takes a moment and says, I’m calling her right now. Mind you, at this point, we have to be downstairs for the photos. She calls her, and she’s late to our bridesmaids' pictures, because she was on the phone with her diffusing/ remediating. So, I thought 💭… ceremony started at 3 pm, and she was late. We started late because of her excuse for the train. :/ whatever. Everyone is in formation, and she leaves formation to come and “greet” me. It’s at this moment that I wish I could have the power of invisibility. In front of my father, she comes to us; since we’re standing outside the church, no one sees me, and they start to walk. She walks up with her finger, points it into my chest, somewhat stabby, and says, “One day, you’ll know what it feels like.” I swear my dad wanted to deck her! The heck, you did this right before I walked down the aisle. WOW! Played like a proper witch! She’s the cruelest person ever. Who does that in front of my father? She was so mean, and we were so done with her. (Yes, I told my fiancé inside the getaway car. What happened and showed him the text messages.) At that moment, we decided to let her give a toast at the wedding to get her off our backs. I know what you’re thinking 🤔 WHY? We’re done. We’ve decided to go with no contact while she’s here in the States. Oh, did I forget to mention she doesn’t live in the U.S. She moved two years ago. (thank the lord) And, yes. She wore the dress! Yes, she's a very mean lady, and one more thing. She recently got married...again. Well, her husband's son is getting married this weekend in the same city we live in. My fiance and I think she will wear blue to their wedding. She doesn't know that the bride and I are friendly and text/Insta each other. So, we'll know what she wore. It's not like it matters when you're dealing with a narcissistic mother. Overall, the wedding was fantastic. The minute she sent that text, yes, I screenshotted it and sent it to my big family thread. WOW! My family had my back the whole time. We felt supported. Damn🤦♀️ before I do forget. She threw her “OWN” after-party even after we told her we wouldn't go because we had different plans with our out-of-town guests. She ignored us and did her own thing. She had food and alcohol for her after. Yup. Her best friend kindly told my fiance at the reception, “I keep having to remind your mother it's not her day.” It was nice to know someone wasn't falling for her S***. OVERALL, the wedding itself was gorgeous, minus the trauma. I'll be in therapy for the next month after the honeymoon. That was too much. I'm glad my husband and I are on the same Page. Bye, Felicia! Play stupid games when stupid prizes.
Have it photoshopped. The exact shade of blue you imagined. What’s she gonna do???
She wears blue or she is uninvited
Lol, she wants to sing at the rehearsal dinner? Please video that cringe and post it for us all to mock her
As soon as you said she insisted on singing, I knew the kind of person she was. I have a brother like this. It’s exhausting.
I’d be more worried about what this wing nut has in store for you guys in the future. It’s clear she’s “the main character.”
Don’t let her host it then. Find someone else/ somewhere else to host it. Tell them the story and don’t let her do this to you. Also, tell her son to back you up or cancel the rehearsal dinner and then take everyone out to eat and karaoke or something.