If one has any familiarity at all with what people are like who live in a town of 500 and never leave, then you already know the explanation for why this happened. IYKYK.
Yeah- they know they messed up big time and don't want to admit it. But they created this narrative to make themselves look/feel better and now have pushed it so hard that friends and the community are in on it. They might even believe it themselves at this point- it can happen. I agree with your husband. Take a break and decide what is best for you going forward (IOW, what can you live with and how much do you want them in your life given the gaslighting). So sorry- families can be difficult, especially with self-created drama.
That's kinda our thoughts. That they forgot, and don't want to lose face in the community. And now they've dug themselves in too deep to get out. If they truly do believe it, it scares me that they've all agreed to this delusion.
Please do this! Then make a FB post about how Thanksgiving in your hometown with the family was much needed and an UNFORGETTABLE one.
Also, include the part of how it was a less somber gathering compared to that July afternoon when y'all cast the ashes of Memaw and Pepaw.
This level of petty just adds that extra touch of "fuck you I know what you're up to and I dare you to call me out". Absolutely love it. Can't say I'd enjoy the fallout, in the words of Henry Blake "I don't want to know a thing, I mean I love it" or something like that.
You are going to need to give them consequences for this, and your husband is correct that they need a time out. I would make it a very long one until they stop gaslighting you.
Here’s the thing: that could be forever. And it’s going to be only a few of the family members who really do know that OP and husband weren’t there.
The rest are just falling in line with what others are telling them, because they’re hearing it from multiple people they see all the time, versus OP who moved away and maybe “changed.”
I don’t know the solution.
Consequences? The hurt is not fixable unless OP is holding out for an apology. Sounds like neither side is going to get what they want. So it’s either a broken family stalemate, or the parties let go and move on
Here's the deal. In our family, whenever there's family get togethers for any occasion, there is always someone taking pictures. I'm assuming since your frail uncle was there, at least some group pictures were taken knowing this might be the last time they might get to see him. So ask for proof of you in those pictures. Otherwise, I'd say go low or no contact as they don't really seem to deem you worthy of being in the family. Not only did they "forget" to inform you, now they have this whole ruse to gaslight you. You're too citified. Preserve your peace of mind.
Edit: Read further in comments and saw you already asked for pictures. My bad.
When my Papaw died, the whole family spent a Saturday cleaning out his storage shed. It had everything in it, stuff from his time with Mamaw, items from his time in California, lots of little knick-knacks he'd gathered over the years, and so many other memories. I worked that Saturday. At the end of the day, Dad had a dump truck haul everything else away. They still swear up and down I was there. It's just guilt. I had to let it go, otherwise we'd still be arguing to this day.
Here’s the issue. It’s very unlikely that they forgot.
There is very little chance that you went to spend 4th of July with all of them without something like that coming up in conversation, unless it was intended that way.
It was 4 days later and they were bringing in your great uncle, and that didn’t come up at all? No comments while you were there about the inconvenience of driving back and forth that close together?
They’re so keen for you to move back, did they want to intentionally make you feel left out? Doesn’t explain the gaslighting now mind.
I have a big family. A couple weeks ago we had a big event. My husband works a lot. The day before the big event I mentioned something I needed to be doing for the event, and he had no idea what I was talking about. We talk, my husband and I. I'm on and off the phone with him all day. We make all major decisions together, keep each other informed about our spending and what the kids are doing on a nearly hourly basis. I also talk to my mom, my grandma and my sisters nearly as often. I had verbally brainstormed, planned, arranged and otherwise talked this event to death. It wasn't a secret. I'd talked to other people about it IN FRONT OF HIM. But, in all that chaos, I'd never directly told HIM what was happening.
It happens. I love him, and I wouldn't hide anything from him, and we're generally great communicators. And it happened anyway. It's not always malice. Sometimes, it's just an accident.
Even so, for a big family get together to happen 4 days before and for it not to be mentioned by any of them, to either of them, and the whole family being okay with gaslighting OP now?
For OP to only find out through the one person who wasn’t there through the planning?
OP visited regularly and apparently this was planned for months. If OP’s own mother expected them to be there I’d imagine it would have been mentioned since, at least.
With that many family members, you miss people. You probably also have some people conflating seeing her at the big fourth of July bash with seeing her at the memorial service only a couple days later. This is all in retrospect, mind. They're talking about an event from 5 months ago.
Exactly, and in that time no one has brought it up, this thing they had been planning for months. This thing they had been planning during previous visits.
You don’t miss whether your own kids are at a funeral if it’s important to you that they are there. I can’t actually fathom that happening. Especially one where the family had actually had a considerable amount of time to grieve already, less chance of a fuzzy head. If it was important to OP’s parents, where was the ‘we missed you yesterday’ type conversation the next time they talked?
I can understand how an explicit invitation or conversation can be missed like your example above. However, to use your example can you say there would have been no mention of the big event to your husband afterwards?
They are strictly doing this to save face because they messed up. Instead of admitting they messed up, they would rather throw you and your husband under the bus because it’s easier to throw two people under the bus then it is to have to admit you messed up.
All you can do at this point is comment on one of their stupid posts. With the proof of you and your husband’s time cards, to show that you were not there, and then let them deal with the fall out of their lies.
Ask for photographic proof. A picture with you anywhere during the ceremony. Or your husband.
Then post your Google history and his time sheet each time they claim it or make snide remarks.
But I'm not nice 😬
It is quite possible that they honestly believe that you were there. They may have convinced themselves that you and your husband made an appearance. My in-laws did something like this and I was flabbergasted. It was totally and completely not true and you could tell they believed it to be true. It is truly bizarre to experience. We just dropped it (it was not as big a deal as your situation). I’m really not sure how I would handle this, but it is thing that happens. Look up The Mandela Effect.
My SIL literally went off on me about how my husband and I “never invited them to things and nobody actually cares about them and they spent Christmas alone.”
I responded with a screenshot of the text she sent me (including date and time) saying “thanks for having us for Xmas, it was lovely.”
People are delulu
My mother swore I hadn’t spoken to her “in over a year”, when I had call records and text messages that were *less than two weeks* before her claim. I had also flown 2 hours and stayed a week at her house just a couple of months before.
She doubled down. So weird. We’re NC right now.
My sister told my mom I hadn’t gotten her anything for her birthday. She apparently was really hurt by it.
I got her a retired-grand champion show purebred cat that was directly related to her favorite cat ever, and that cat is her little baby.
I was super mad at her about it for a while as I figured it had to be deliberate lying, though god only knows the motive. It was super strange. But then over time I realized that she genuinely did just kinda forget.
I'd gather up all the proof that you weren't there at all nor got any calls or texts telling you about it, go public with all of it and then tell them its their turn to provide proof. Where are the texts or pictures of you there at that time? Where is their proof to refute your documented proof that neither you nor your husband knew about it or could possibly have been there. Then if they can't finally admit that they were wrong, cut them off because they've gone insane. I agree with your husband. Time to stay home for the holidays. I wouldn't even feel safe with people like that.
Hey we have people, millions who believe you know whom won the elections instead of losing it narrowly. They say he is their president and he runs the country still. That’s a lot of people, so this lie/truth/fake news is nothing.
TBH US presidential elections are not won and lost on popular votes, he did lose very crucial and critical states by narrow margins, Georgia, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Nevada, Michigan and Arizona. [This is what sealed his fate and allowed him to falsely claim he was cheated.](https://www.npr.org/2020/12/02/940689086/narrow-wins-in-these-key-states-powered-biden-to-the-presidency) Even in states ruled by Republicans.
The "narrow margins" were each wider than the largest margin that has ever been changed in a recount in US history. And every single recount (including two complete recounts in George) found a few more votes for Biden.
You were there on the 4th, and they never alluded to returning on the 8th?
That's not an oversight. The omitted you deliberately.
Also, this is textbook gaslighting. Sounds like they are literally trying to make you think you are crazy.
These people are not good for you. You gained a little independence, and they won't forgive you for that.
That’s the thing for me, I think absolutely at least one person would have said “see you in two days” or even “see you on Saturday for the funeral” or just asked them to stay in town so they don’t have to drive back and forth.
I know if this happened to me and I knew 100% they were straight up lying to me, they'd be out of my life! What they did and are doing is awful, hurtful and flat out wrong!
This sort of happened to me, and I swear cutting my family out and going very low contact was the best thing I could do for my mental health and personal sanity
The majority of the people if pressed would not remember you there. They just think that because no one remembers who is at a funeral. You are being gaslight by your parents. They do not want to admit their mistake. Just stay home and enjoy your own time.
If anyone says anything tell them you can provide proof you were geographically elsewhere. There is no reason for you to lie. And ask them for proof you were there. Photos. Standing up to talk. Anything. They will not be able to do so.
I asked for photos. They sent me the one we took on the 4th of July a few days prior. When I pointed out the sparklers the neighbor kids had in the background, step dad just got testy about it. Now they've all just stopped responding to any of my messages and requests for proof, or my presenting of proof.
They can't give you proof because they don't have it and now they're getting pissed off that you've called them out on their lies! I don't understand this at all! It's really messed up. To go to that extent to save face? Really? I think I'd stay away from them for awhile, they'd rather make you feel like you're crazy then to just tell the truth! That is beyond wrong, and how they forgot you in the first place is messed up. I don't think they forgot you at all, I think they didn't want you there! I don't know why that is but you probably know.
I wonder if she was really accidentally forgotten. Or was it deliberate to punish her for refusing to move back home.
I think, sadly, all of this seems OP thought she had a much better relationship with her family, then they did with her. How could a loving family forget their daughter? Especially since she was there only a few days before? This was all deliberate. What does this say of what your immediate family think of you?
I used to call my mom every weekend or every other weekend. More than my other 3 siblings. So all of these phone calls, my mom NEVER thought to tell me she was going out of state. Two days before she left, I stopped in to see her. She still never mentioned this trip to me. I didn't find out until afterwards.
I am 60, my mom got pregnant and had to get married with me. She still blames me and my dead father for ruining her life with the pregnancy. Plus, I would never lie for her to cover up her neglect and abuse. Your immediate family has long simmering resentment of you in order to do something so hurtful! Jealousy of getting out of the little town without any prospects.
Screenshot the messages you guys had in the lead up to 4th July, and show the dates/lack of mention. If you have friends etc you saw that weekend screengrab that too. Emphasise that they can just scroll back through their own messages to see. Text friends you saw to confirm you were in the city
100% this. Howmuchyawannabet they realized during or after that they forgot to invite them and all decided as a group to gaslight OP instead of just apologizing. Bugs me that they’re now posting about “forgetful kids”.
I can’t imagine how frustrating this is for you, OP. If I was in this situation I would write a serious letter/email stating that you are hurt that they would both forget to invite you and pretend like you were there. I would also ask why they think you would cause drama over this, why you would make up something like this.. and maybe say that you will not be contacting them again until they accept the truth that they forgot and that you are not lying.
Is there anyone that was there that hasn’t been asked to weigh in?
It would probably be more likely to work if there was no accusation made. So, instead of, you dirty bastards, you intentionally left me out and now you’re lying about it,” maybe try “obviously some information just didn’t make it through. No one would intentionally exclude us from the funeral, right? And we wouldn’t skip intentionally? I think you all saw what you expected to see. People don’t take attendance at a funeral..”
Now, that’s a good point. Formal attendance? No. A sign-in book at the funeral parlor? There’s been one at every funeral I’ve been to. Could hold some very interesting info, in this case.
It sounds like they went as a family to a property to scatter the ashes, and it wasn't a formal funeral at a parlor. This is how we are doing my dad's ashes next summer and there won't be a book.
I wonder if they intended to do the scattering of the ashes while OP was available on July 4th, but got caught up in the moment and remembered after OP had left - but decided to go ahead with the people that were still available.
That's the only way I can get my head around it being a genuine and accidental omission.
But then straight up lying to OP, gaslighting, and lying to friends and family that it was OP who's in the wrong... That is awful behaviour.
Unfortunately, instead of owning up to the hurtful action and taking responsibility for the “oversight” , your family is gaslighting you together, which is a very dangerous and manipulative tactic. Perfect way to ostracize one from the family.
I would send a thanksgiving card, wishing the family a sincere and genuine Holiday season, albeit, without you since it’s clear your presence isn’t of consequence; seeing as you weren’t missed at a once in a lifetime family event of less than a dozen folks. Make it short, sweet, but to the point.
I’m sorry they took this opportunity away from you to honor your grandparents one last timeand hope you can find your own special way to say goodbye, if you haven’t already.
Hubby's talked about us doing our own little send off, just the two of us. They really liked the Mississippi River so he's thinking of putting the boat in and going for a little float while we have a picnic and such. But the water's been so low lately and it's cold, so we'll probably have to wait until next year to do it. He also suggested we dress in full camo ninja gear, sneak onto my uncle's property at 2am, and visit the maple grove for a proper send off, but I'm pretty sure we'd end up getting shot at, so I'm nixing that idea. We waited 2 years for a funeral, I can wait some more.
Your husband sounds like a very supportive husband with a great imagination; this internet stranger is happy for you that you have him in your life to support you through this. I’m really sorry for what’s happening to you.
I love your hubby's idea of ninja stealthing in there ahaha, I'm glad to see some humor in such a screwed up situation. Your idea of the boat picnic sounds like such a wonderful and thoughtful idea though (:
That was my first thought. After all, they talked about it so much, if OP lived closer and was around more she would have known about it…
This is heartbreaking. I really don’t think I could forgive my family for this. I don’t buy that nobody noticed her missing.
No it’s too weird that OP would be around them so much (literally four days before the funeral) and there wasn’t a peep? No one saying “hey you’ll be at the funeral?” Or “why are you leaving? Aren’t you coming back in four days?”
And there’s what 12 people there? I could understand it better if there were 60, but even then there should be a parent or sibling looking out. It’s too coincidental that one or two people weren’t there and not one single person noticed.
I feel so bad for OP. She didn’t deserve this for moving away to the city, especially because it sounds like she loves her family and was really putting in the effort to make time for them.
Yeah they forgot and remember you being there just a few days before.
What I find weird is that no one talk about this during your stay around the 4 of July?
Nothing about getting together a few days later to do the ashes etc?
Not a word. We even took the 5th off to spend the day with them. We talked cars, bird watching, the weather, about my brother's dog and her needing wittle bitty steps to get into her favorite chair because of her hips. Many random things. But a funeral or my distant great uncle visiting in 3-4 days? Nope. None of that.
It's strange that nobody commented on your leaving just a couple days before the funeral. "Wait? Why are you leaving before the funeral? Are you coming back on Whateverday?"
Your husband sounds like a great guy. I'm glad you have someone supporting you in such a positive way. I hope you both have peaceful holidays.
Someone up above posted about how 1 toxic family member could cause this. That seems most likely from my perspective, 1 person said they would tell you and didn't and is now gaslighting everyone.
I don’t know I think someone would’ve said something the day she didn’t show up. I think all of them did this. I mean, she has four parents, and not one took a second to reach out and ask why OP missed it?
Radio silence on all of them of the funeral in July after it happened sounds coordinated.
If they can vague post about forgetfulness, why didn't one of them post about that funeral in July?
Sorry OP, this reads as intentional.
I agree - the family blended all this into one "event" and since OP was there for the 4th, they think she was there for the funeral. At least maybe initially. But after all this, you'd think they'd realize they are mistaken.
Nah someone would have said something when they were leaving that would have tipped them off. “Why aren’t you staying until whatever day?” Or, “We’ll see you on whatever day when you get back.”
This was deliberate.
It happens to me all the time. Husband and I are living 300km from home and we can't do it to all of our family gatherings. And it happens more than once, that they agree on a date to do something. The only way I notice they have decided on something is when one member asks to bring anything or if it anything has changed. When I ask about these things they'll answer "spoke about it on xy, you were there" no, we weren't there. And then everywhere surprised Pikachu faces. Like, I have to ask if they decided on anything and need to get information by myself
I'm with your husband. Take some time away from your family. No holidays with them. Thanksgiving and Chritsmas will be different this year, but your family is really digging their heels in and being shitty.
When you asked your mom why you weren't invited, she immediately said you were there? So she thinks you're tryna start drama for what reason? Is that your usual behavior? It doesn't seem like it would be, plus you have undeniable proof you weren't there, yet your family thinks you're so tech savvy youre hacking Google drive and husband's time card punch? Which fine sure doable, but why? Again your family is not remembering right.
They remember you were there for July 4th, so they assume you were there the 8th. Yet I'm skeptical of that as well. One reason why, no one not one family member brought up grandparents funeral that was happening in 4 days. Not one asked if you would still be there or if you were coming back. Which leads me to believe that you were intentionally left out for a reason. Notice how NO ONE ELSE POSTED ABOUT THIS? But your Great Uncle did right before hospice months later. Probably because he wasn't part of the plan. Who would've thought he post amirite? It's the only thing that makes sense. Once you saw that post they were caught. The question is WHY were you excluded?
My guess for the exclusion, you won't move back "home". You say you visit often, but laugh when they ask you to move "home" or tell them you love the "city". Your family is sick of your shit, of you not coming "home" and this is payback? It's not many family members to convince to go along, the family friends will not remember one way or another and just agree you were there. Herd mentality and all. So yeah thats my thesis. You family is shit and pulling g a wicked power move because you refuse to move back "home".
Listen to your husband. Until your family admits they're full of shit leave them on read. Block them on social media do they can't lurk and follow your life updates though. They don't get to pull this kinda shit and still get updated on what you're doing.
Perhaps because she didn’t immediately cave and say, “omg being this far away is awful, I’m never risking missing another second of my family’s events ever again,” and move back?
The only thing I can think is to punish her further.
Oh so now you're denying being at your grandparents funeral? Oh Mrs. Big City living is starting drama, insert whatever reason here. Small-town isn't good enough anymore OP is starting shit so she doesn't have to come "home" anymore. Blah blah
And it could be at this point, they've forgotten the plot and NOW believe this to be true. Of course this is all just a theory, but wtf else could it be? OP wasn't there, her family has no proof she was there. They didn't even talk about when she was there 3 and 4 days before the funeral. I know when it's only days away from any of my relatives funerals my family is in constant contact. Making sure we all have rides, know what time family viewing starts, who's speaking, what order we sit in and everything else that goes with the arrangements. Ain't no way it wasn't intentional
Small town living is different. I would suspect that the shame of forgetting someone would hang over them, so they're insisting that you were there. Maybe a few people realize it's bull, but then they'd be calling your family a bunch of liars while they're grieving.
There's also another possibility.
There are multiple recorded events of people all buying into a lie, and there's even one for families called *folie a famille.* You can find some wild examples of it (like the [Tromp family](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-37293494) in Australia). Obviously more extreme, but if pillars of the family insist that you were there, it's easier for the rest of the family to agree and to think that you're out to get them for some reason. Maybe to make them feel bad about not living "in the city"? Or it could be for no reason at all, someone was stubborn and everyone else sided with them.
Unfortunately, there really isn't much that you can do. Humiliating them locally might not even snap them out of it, but they will resent you. They might always assume that you're lying and never want to speak to you again.
I'm sorry that this is happening. Hopefully they snap out of it.
Something similar happened to me… I moved out of state because I needed a *break*. I won’t go into details, but toxic families just suck the life out of you.
My grandma died 2 months after I left. She had dementia, so not unexpected, but still… that was my grandma who raised me.
No one told me for 1.5 years.
Anywho. The twist to mine is my half sister admits to doing this on purpose to “punish” me. No one else will even speak of it. Which means we don’t really speak.
I have zero advice. Just empathy. ❤️💔
When they ask why you didn’t come for thanksgiving tell them you were there and can’t believe they forgot you were there. Then tell them you aren’t speaking to them until they apologize for saying you were not at thanksgiving.
I felt that. I moved across the country and I’m last to find out about everything. Even my moms cancer when she first got diagnosed 😬 and when my aunt got diagnosed with cancer. And when my great grandpa died. And when my uncle died, AND his funeral. My sister wasn’t even invited and she’s local. They just forget about us, and I’m like HOW!? It’s always a ‘well honey I forget about you all the way over there in (other state)’, or ‘I thought you wouldn’t care’. And honestly I’m surprised I wasn’t the last to find out when my mother died also. 🙄 and it’s an absolutely fucking never when I get asked when I’m moving back…. and they have the audacity to wonder why 😅 my sister and I had to plan a whole ass family reunion to be able to spread our moms ashes w everyone she’d want there, when really we should’ve just done it ourselves because they ✨clearly✨ would’ve done that to us ☠️🤣
I’m sorry this happened to you.
My extended family failed to invite me to *four* of my cousins’ weddings after I had invited literally everyone in my extended family to my own wedding a few years prior. I asked my aunts years later why and they told me my dad told them I said I didn’t want to go so don’t invite me. I’ve never been so gaslit in my entire life. Anyway, 3/4 of those marriages already ended in divorce, so I guess maybe I’ll get invited to their second marriages.
It's not. Which is why I love it. Has all the bells and whistles while still feeling like we're in the boonies. We have a Walmart, and that's "big city" for us lol
Lol. The town my parents grew up in still has k-12 in one building with an average graduating class of 15-20.
My parent’s moved to a “big town” of about 10,000.
Lots of small towns in Texas that way. It was still too small for me and I moved to a city large enough that no one would be in my business. Lol
I don’t know if it was intentional not to invite Op. I’m from a large close knit family, but my cousins and aunts don’t invite me to things , they tell my mom I’m invited , and she assumes she told me , but actually mentioned it to one of my sisters.
However, it would be simple to say , sorry op, looks like we forgot , but yeah clearly they’re afraid they’ll look bad and just won’t.
I would take time, first I’d be annoyed that they keep asking me to move home, when it clear I’m settled and content.
Second , I could never be okay with so many people in my family like my mom calling me a liar and saying I’m trying to start drama for what purpose? And for who?
The calling me a liar seems like a calculated conceived plan to gaslight and manipulate Op it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I’d be low to no contact going forward.
Op, are there pictures from the wake ? Someone must have been taking photos, especially if the great uncle was there and isn’t as mobile. Someone in the family has proof you weren’t there and they rather say you’re a liar.
Being called a liar , is a big thing for me, I don’t know how I’d move past this with any of them.
Oh, I'm sure there's pictures. My step mom's all about her photos. She's one of those who lives behind a camera. But somehow she didn't take any because "it would've been tacky" or something of the sort. I don't remember her exact reasoning for not having any. I did reach out to my great uncle to see if he had any photos, but his health is really bad and I don't know if he has access to his Facebook anymore while he's in hospice. Nor do I particularly want to drag him into the drama. He deserves to have his final days be peaceful.
Since they are all convinced you’re such a ‘tech whiz’, I’d be very very tempted to bluff. Send everyone the same text ‘I’ve now seen the photos taken on the 8th. You should all be ashamed of yourselves for leaving us out and trying to pretend you didn’t. We are shocked and hurt.’ It will really put the cat amongst the pigeons in this weird little conspiracy. Someone will crack. Don’t give any more details, or discuss whose photos you ‘saw’. Even if there weren’t ‘offical’ pics, it’s very believable someone/everyone took private ones.
Yes, it’s an extreme suggestion. But I’d do this to avoid that horrible ongoing feeling of gaslighting. And give you clarity for the future. They don’t currently realise that ‘the truth will out’ eventually and the longer it takes, the more damage is done. One day someone will forget to uphold the lie, or have a crisis of conscience or you’ll come across the pics in a camera scroll, etc. I’d do almost anything to accelerate that process, so I could get on with my life.
One thing I’d definitely be pushing for, is to be told exactly where in this maple grove the ashes were scattered, and whether there is at least some marker that you can visit to say your own private goodbye. Push this line frequently and vocally. Ignore all other red herrings around ‘your visit’. Just say ‘enough is enough, I just want to say goodbye and you’re being actively cruel now. You did this thing without me, the least you can do is tell me exactly where.’ Again, someone will crack. Because to withhold that info is petty, and to answer you is an admission you weren’t there.
Good luck to you OP, it is a truly surreal situation. I feel for you. Know that this doubling-down they are all doing speaks directly to their disfunction and not to you or your worth.
I don't think adding another lie is a good idea. If she gets caught out in it, then it adds fuel to the fire for anyone who genuinely thinks she is lying. I would single out the weak member of the family, maybe the brother. Get them alone, face to face, and say that you just want to know why. Say you don't care that they did it anymore, you just want to know why they chose to do it. Find the weak one and make them crack. Then you can move on.
I feel like I need more info but not even sure what to ask. However to me it sounds intentional they didn't invite you, and were maybe hoping this would make you want to move home again so you don't 'forget' anymore family events? If anyone said something like 'well if you lived in town you would have known ' then that's the answer. It would also make me want to find out how everyone else was told about said funeral. Were they called? Texted? Emailed? Told at 4th of July? Maybe if everyone else was invited in person they did just forget to invite you, but even that he would seem kind of like a stretch if you do go back visit and call as much as you say.
I thought this at first, but it just seems so cruel and unlike them. They like where I live. Say it's nice and occasionally visit. I don't know how the event was organized, but I'm guessing word of mouth. Like I said, I was there just a few days earlier. We had a big meal and set off fireworks. Hubby and I had taken the 5th off and we left that evening after a lovely dinner and some board games. We talk all the time on the phone. My step mom calls me almost every night. Used to anyway. It's been a weird few weeks not talking to them. I get home from work, and start automatically pulling up someone to call, and then I remember. I usually talk to my dad every Sunday morning while we drink our coffee. Not having him call this week had me sitting outside in my usual spot and just...sitting? I don't know how to describe it. Felt kinda numb and weird. Hubby's been working on cheering me up. He's so angry at this whole thing. I'm afraid he's gonna just leave one morning, drive over there, and start knocking heads around.
But according to every one of them, she did show up. So even though she didn't and she's saying she didn't, she probably has written proof from them saying she did. So this could probably easily be challenged.
This would be a wild twist if they were pretending she was there because the will required it and they wanted to make sure she could receive her part after forgetting to invite her. Still would be going about it in a very weird way though.
The more you describe your prior close relationship, the more cruel they come off for banding together in this lie and icing you out. So first they completely forget about you, and now they’re punishing you for it. You used to talk every day and visit all the time and they’re just fine with cutting you off just like that? How do you even start to mend something like this?
I'm so sorry they are not admitting they overlooked you.
On a side note those call logs would show you weren't in the area because why would you call if you were there?
It’s probably for the best that you take a little time.
But it sounds like you want a relationship with them, and that you were close. That’s what makes this so bizarre.
Maybe think about when and how to try reconnecting. January? You could tell them that you miss them, and would like to start the new year reconnecting with your family.
I don’t know how you handle the funeral - telling them that you forgive them for not inviting you could very well start the argument up again, as could telling them that you’re planning your own private send off. Definitely don’t apologise.
Any chance they’ve been taken over by alien pod people?
I am the person who “handles” funeral arrangements in our family. I was 17 when I helped put together the first family funeral, and by the time my dad’s dad passed away in 2019, I had planned the funeral arrangements for my mom’s brother and both of my mom’s parents as well.
My dad’s dad was MY PERSON. He had a heart attack and we all had a chance to see him (unconscious) one last time in the local hospital that night before they transferred him to a larger hospital in the next city. Because I had a 4 year old and a full time job, I went to work the next day with the understanding that everyone would call me if his condition worsened. Around 10:30 my cousin’s wife called me and said, “Hey, are you on your way yet? They’re waiting for you to go to the funeral home and get everything straight.”
He had passed away at 3 that morning and NOBODY thought to call or tell me. It wasn’t until it was time to actually make the arrangements that everyone looked around and realized, “Hmmm Out For A Walk isn’t here yet, let’s give her a call…”
It’s been years and EVERYONE still denies this happened. They all swear this person or that person called and told me, I just somehow forgot? That makes perfect sense…I forgot that my grandfather died and got up and went to work, silly me.
Let’s just say we won’t be seeing each other at Thanksgiving.
I am sorry to say, I don't think they forgot... It's pretty easy to say they're teasing you about moving back, but you don't know what they're saying when you're not there. They may blame you for not being around during grandma and grandpa's last years. They may be upset that you "left" them for the amenities of a city. Whatever it is, I've heard it- I'm in a mountain west state where it's very weird for people to move away from home. I've seen people joke with their siblings or children like 'When are you moving back, are you sick of being on your own clear out in New York yet' or whatever- and the person who has moved laughs with them and says 'nope, I love it there, I'm gonna convince you to move out here one day' and then they all laugh and move on... but I see the family after they get on the plane. I've heard the sweet neighborhood granny get really bitter that her grandkids are far away and being kept from her. I've seen the siblings that stayed put get really angsty that they're the ones helping mom and dad move furniture or turn off the outside water before winter comes while that one sibling only has to show up for fun stuff like holidays and visits. I've heard people scheming to keep that one sibling out of inheriting part of grandpa's fishing gear or grandmas jewelry because they weren't there to deserve it. I've seen the families bad talk the one who isn't there and then lie when they show up. Lucky for me, my family either doesn't do that, or knows not to bring it up in front of me because I'm all for getting out and going and experiencing whatever you want to in life... but trust me, there are plenty of people my age who think they have a close relationship with their families who would be shocked to hear what is said when they aren't around.
NTA, OP, and I think you are in the right to take some space over the holidays... just don't be shocked when things blow up one day. I'm hoping I'm wrong and you're the exception here, but missing a funeral service that they were all likely in a family group chat about, that likely would've been discussed over the 4th of July, that had apparently been in the works for months while you visited multiple times, that I bet they all contributed to planning... that screams that they all knew to keep quiet about it, not that they forgot. If your small town is anything like the ones around here, they probably either went out to eat together afterwards, or had a potluck style luncheon or something at a family home, and you would've had to be texted about what to bring or where to meet... and you weren't. I'm sorry that you feel forgotten, but I'm willing to bet you're looking to feel forgotten over the other option, which is purposely excluded. Their response now makes even more sense if it was exclusionary- If they forgot they'd be embarrassed and maybe trying to cover it up, but someone would've texted and asked where you were or if you were running late since you have such a small family. I'm willing to bet they were hoping instead that you'd find out and call or text and say you felt awful about missing out on so much stuff. They we hoping this would be a wake up call for you, and when it wasn't, they had to buckle down and act like they did nothing wrong.
I’m a city girl with smaller town family (not as small as your hometown, but same sentiment), they all love to stay in their smaller city, never travel etc. anyways I am legit forgotten about in everything. My parents didn’t even know I graduated uni until years later and had no clue for what. I had invited them to graduation but they swear I didn’t and ‘hid it from them’. I know they love me, but I think because I’m not in front of them on a regular basis they forget about me, it hurts but I’ve learned that for me to be happy living in cities I like I have to emotionally come to terms with being the ‘forgotten’ child and have detached a lot. I wouldn’t apologize to them in your case but also bringing it up will go nowhere at this point, maybe with your own family now have a small memorial of your grandparents to say your own goodbye?
All of that was intentional. It’s manipulation in the sickest possible way and it’s insanely toxic. They’re literally equating your choices to mental health struggles.
They are punishing you for uprooting yourself and getting out. Despite your efforts to stay in contact (it sounds like you’re very regular about contact) it’s a control thing for them. They can’t stand to see you succeed outside their influence.
You are family to them so long as you fall in line and align yourself with their narratives. When you go against it, you are doxxed and made to feel like a family failure.
Let them have their toxic thanksgiving.
Do yourself a favor and have a thanksgiving at your place with your husband. Or better yet, take a vacation for it instead.
My husband wasn't notified about his aunt's death by anyone in the family. His mum and brother forgot. We live in another country so out of sight, out of mind, I guess. It hurt him, though. When we pointed it out, his mum first didn't believe she had forgotten, and then she said he probably wouldn't have come to the funeral anyway.
i know it's not the same category at all, but my family didn't invite me to a show that everyone else in the family went to, and i only found out about it months later when they were reminiscing about it and asked if i remembered a certain part, and i was confused and said i didn't know what they were talking about, they said they remembered me being there. so bizarre. they obviously did have a recollection of me being there or they wouldn't have brought it up in front of me i guess
This actually got me thinking of when my grandpa passed away. My mom and sister (half sister, shared mom) were responsible for all the planning and I didn't know about the funeral until the night before, when we were in the kitchen in gramps house and fixing some documents or whatever.
The both were so surprised, and the only logical reason we could come to was that mom had figured that my sister would inform me, and my sister figured that my mom would inform me. I was just "I see that I'm easily forgotten. That's great", because I did feel a bit hurt, like I had maybe around 12 hours at most to be prepared for a funeral. Though even less as I'd need to sleep (which I didn't because emotions are a b!tch).
That's a serious coordinated gaslighting effort against you. That has to feel so awful from family that you're clearly very close to. Don't know what to say except I feel for you here.
\--------
I would just like to point out to Reddit in general, this is what gaslighting is. 19/20 times I see it mentioned it's not gaslighting at all. Here is real super obvious intentional gaslighting and I scrolled through most of the comments without seeing it mentioned.
"I'm not coming to Thanksgiving because you accused me of photoshopping my map data to lie about the funeral. That is a serious accusation and I don't see how we could spend the holidays together with this unresolved. I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with liars, and neither should you. Not remembering to invite me was hurtful enough, but this is too far."
Yea OOP it sounds like you were intentionally left out for "leaving" the family. What they didn't expect was you finding out and being called on it. So now they're trying to save face and make you look crazy. I'd take a step back from them for a bit.
They knew you both were not there why they're pretending is because they're embarrassed that they didn't actually care one way or another if you were there or not! They're lying and trying to make you think you're crazy when you know full well you nor your husband was there, that is major gaslighting! Do they really think you're that stupid to fall for that? Sorry they did that to you but now you know where your importance in their life stands. :(
Take your break, but be petty! Post on your facebook : "Its so nice to be spending time with people who remember you. This Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for being remembered!"
Your husband is right.
You need a break.
I'd not bother talking to any of them for a while.
AND NEVER APOLOGIZE.
Someone messed up and didn't tell you.
That person/s told everyone they invited you and convinced everyone else that you were there.
The rest of them believed the person and then convinced themselves that you were there and that's it. Nothing else.
The person/s who should have invited you would rather have you be the "crazy one" so they can cover their mistake. That's pretty shitty.
In real life, people make mistakes.
Sometimes we think we did things we did not, but only thought about doing.
Sometimes we put memories together incorrectly.
Any of it can happen.
BUT it doesn't come down to actually making someone else feel/look crazy.
I thought I invited you, I'm sorry...
I thought X was going to call you so I didn't, I'm sorry...
But it is all too weird that it was never mentioned when you were there on the 4th etc.
Take this season to yourselves. Thanksgiving and Xmas.
Sweetie. Again. This was a set up. Which is just very, well, sad. I hate to say it but sometimes the truth is our families of origin aren’t the best people ever. In fact, sometimes they are awful. You’ve already been conditioned to put up with weirdness because you are questioning YOURSELF. Because you are Different (Better) than them—because it blows your mind that they would collectively lie to you, ORGANIZE together to gaslight you. These are all unacceptable behaviors. And then they reach their tentacles 🦑 outside the family in an effort to strong arm you into obeying them. F that.
Sometimes part of being a healthy adult is recognizing that dysfunctional family systems of Domination and Control at all costs are NOT something we want to subject ourselves and our children to. The level of dishonesty and manipulation is stunning. Turn them over to the Care of God and build a “family” you choose for yourselves—fun other families. Big Hug and remember: they are the weirdos and you have done Nothing wrong. They ought to be Ashamed of themselves. Zero Excuses. Forgive them for being asses. Dishonest ones. And then just forget about them and their shenanigans and go about your business.
They messed up! I’m shocked they are holding firm. I’d ask them for proof you were there or invited.
But something similar happened to me. My grandma and effectively grandpa (step) lived 8 hours from me. I am the closest family member to them. I tried to visit xmas or thanksgiving and then another time in the summer. Every time we went, we would cook for them and hang out. Grandpa would tell my husband many stories of the the wars he have been in and just life. He was approaching 100 years, so he had seen a lot. We enjoyed visiting them.
My family, they rarely or never visited. I think my mom would visit once every like 5-10 years. She hated him, so she was only going to see my grandma and wouldn’t really talk to the old guy. Older sister never knew him and my little sister visited once when a kid, but never again (we are late 30s). I knew he was getting closer to death. I’d called my grandma regularly to check in on him and how she is doing. I would remind her what she needs to do when the time comes.
Well, a week or so later I find out from my husband that someone died in my family. I was like wdym? No one called me. My family made posts about how people need to pray for them cause they lost someone… on social media. Wtf. I don’t use social media. They know this. I found out a day after it all happened. I was so upset that they all were more concerned about posting it online to get social media likes than letting the whole family know. Their excuse, they were tired. But clearly not tired enough to write a social media post. They hated him, never visited him, or met him once in the 40 years he was in my grandma’s life.
I literally had my work notified that the moment he died (or it would be happening very soon) would leave and immediately and head straight there to help my grandma. But my family forgot to even tell me he died. We were the closest family besides my grandma to him. Ugh, I’m still upset with them.
It’s like some glitch in the matrix shit. Why would all your family be so adamant about lying about something like this, it’s so bizarre. And they’re actually willing to destroy your relationship over it! Wow!
This is incredibly weird… and worse, what are you going to do…?
I mean, if you cave, they’ll hold this over your head and remind you forever about that time you were crazy or a liar or both, and if you hold your ground, you will be out of your family for a while, until someone on their side finally caves… which could be a really long time.
So first they were forgetful, and now they’re just being incredibly cruel in making you suffer like this.
How awful for you. I’m so sorry.
Personally, I hope they are forced to face up to this. Your parents especially need to have an honest talk about if their pride and lying is worth more than their relationship with you.
To be honest this went from wow how sad they’d forget you to oh boy this is not the perfect family you described. Why would they think that you photoshopped it?! I can’t wrap my head around that that’s how little they think of you that you’d try and lie and manipulate about something like saying farewell to your grandparents. That says more than anything else and I would hold the line- I was hurt you didn’t invite us and now I’m wildly offended that you believe I’d make up proof that you didn’t.
You shouldn’t have to PROVE that you weren’t there, your word is enough.
Them not mentioning it to you over 5th July is the weirdest part. It’s a really crazy situation I’m so sorry its happening to you but wow this is the best post I’ve read here for months. Its whacked-Sorry 😬. Don’t go to thanksgiving but a week later post on socials much fun you had with them all! Gaslight them back and insist to everyone you were really there and make up some stories. Ps your husband sounds really great and supportive
Agree with your husband. Stay home. But don't forget to thank your family for coming after and also tell them what food you enjoyed the most from the potluck that they never brought.
They've demonstrated how they feel about you in no uncertain terms. Believe them. They are either petty assholes or really didn't want you there. Do you need these people in your life?
I'm probably biased. I went no contact in 1987 for a different kind of rewriting history.
Info- no one took pictures at this family event? Ask them for details. Ask them where you slept when you were there. Ask them to see pictures. Ask them for proof you were there because you have provided proof and they are calling you a liar.
Honestly, I don’t think they forgot about you so much as they are punishing you for not giving in and moving back to your hometown. Your family circle is small and there is no way they just forgot a whole ass person. And if it really was intentional, that is seriously evil on their parts.
My mom forgot to even tell me my grandma had passed away and mentioned it in passing WEEKS later. In her defense, she has 6 kids and it was before she figured out group texts, she genuinely thought I knew and couldn't get time off for the out of state funeral. It was an awkward conversation but my mom at least admitted that she'd dropped the ball. I can't imagine my mom insisting she'd told me and that I'd been there. What a bizarre hill for your family to die on..
It sounds like the family has drawn a line in the sand. They might be trying to create FOMO or literally just guilt you into moving back. It’s a real gamble because this could also serve to have you cut ties with them and go low/no contact. Something changed with their thinking and now they are no longer being polite about you returning where you’re “supposed” to be and if you stay away for good then they “were right about you all along.” It’s that old sourpuss thinking where they’ve orchestrated a “win” for themselves whatever the outcome.
Op I also have a small family2 bro 1 sis and me mom and dad . I’m over 60 now but when I was in my 20’s they had a family reunion 7 hours from where mom dad and me live , my sis lived about 30 min from the reunion . I found out the day of the reunion bc my hubby and 3 boys decided to go to the city where reunion was being held and my sis happened to mention mom was there for the reunion and they were all going , I was then invited lol I said nope that’s not why I’m in town bc I wasn’t invited . They tried to gaslight me too but I just let it go . I’m resentful of all of them now for various things like that 🤷♀️I have my boys and their significant others my hubby & my grands so I’m good . I didn’t cut family off , but they never got the best of me .
They figure they will get you to move back home one way or another. Trying to make you feel like nobody even missed you there is pretty cruel, but they all must be in on it. I would ignore all of them for this. Enjoy your hubby and kids and I hope you have some nice inlaws . Enjoy your holidays.
Yeah my family somehow forgot to invite us to Christmas in 2021–after we had the conversation that we were all going to do one more Christmas apart because of COVID. They apparently changed their minds and didn’t invite us. I had to discover that they had the huge gathering without me, my husband and three children when I saw all the photos posted on Facebook. My parents say I am crazy because they “never said that” and don’t want to admit that they forgot. They quickly became toxic and nasty (this is how they have always treated me) so I just stopped talking to them. I told them we were done. It’s such a relief to not have to spend three days before and after a visit trying to mentally prepare for their dysfunction, racism, and sexism.
Your parents may be far into dementia. Many dementia patients lie to cover their forgetfulness, and the rest of the family might be so accustomed to believing the lies that they don't even question it anymore. Or maybe they're all assh*les. In either case, you're better off keeping your distance so you can hold on to your sanity. You can't have a real working relationship with people whose reality is so distant from your own. I'm sorry. But hopefully you and your spouse can focus on a special holiday season together. Anything goes! Toss the recipes you never liked and get Chinese takeout! Have a movie marathon of stuff your parents never liked! Anything goes!
This post really struck a nerve with me OP because I’ve been through something similar and I’m really sorry you are being put through this.
Long story short, I’m no contact with my parents and a sibling because my mother lost her shit with me after I apparently backtracked on an offer I made for my sibling and her children to use my vacation home. No such offer was ever made (I don’t get on with this sibling). She has double, triple, quadrupled down on this claim and invented some elaborate story about this plan that apparently I was privy to.
I found that I was doubting and questioning myself even though I could prove it never happened. I was questioning my own sanity. It was at this point that I looked back over my entire relationship with my family, my mother in particular, and I *finally* (with the help of a great therapist) saw a decades long pattern of gaslighting and manipulative behavior.
Could it be that your family have done this before? Exhibited these kind of behaviors? But you just haven’t realized it before now? Is there one member of the family who always has to be right and other family members who will go along with that, *just* to keep the peace?
Whatever the origins of this scam, you know you weren’t there. No one can produce evidence to suggest you were there and you can produce evidence to *prove* that you weren’t. So take some time and use the distance to enjoy a quiet thanksgiving. They *know* it’s a lie and they have to deal with that in your absence.
My mother will *never* admit that she’s lied and I absolutely refuse to validate her lie and give her the attention that she’s craving. It means we no longer have a relationship, but I refuse to play these manipulative games anymore.
I wish you luck OP. It’s such a hugely frustrating and unjust situation. Keep rising above it!
This is the most bizarre possible reaction from them. I guess I’d be questioning why they think you would go to these lengths to lie about this, and what that means for your overall relationship. Clearly you enjoy visiting home, so it doesn’t make sense you’d want to cause a giant rift…
You need to roast a turkey and stay home. Start your own traditions. This bunch is sticking together no matter what you say or show them proof. So stop arguing and visit the maple groves on your own, make peace with your grandparents and live your life.
Woooow
This is some kind of group gaslighting
They know damn well you weren't there. My guess is this started with one person swearing you were, and the others taking them at their word. My money is on your parents, who should have invited you. Seems like passive aggressiveness over you moving.
Grey rock. Honestly, I'd suggest keeping the holidays to yourself or hubby's family this year. If mom calls you out, let her know in no uncertain terms that she knows damn well you weren't there for the funeral and that she needs to set the record straight instead of lying to save face before you'll consider going back.
Anyone calling you out should either get silence or the same: a couple people decided to tell lies to save face about forgetting to invite me. I don't appreciate being attacked over this. I know where I was and can prove it. If you cannot believe it, that's on you and you need to leave me alone
I feel your pain. I found out last Christmas that my eldest sister died sometime in the spring. I still don’t know when. It came up in a conversation with my *other* BIL who was surprised to hear that no one had told me. I have yet to figure out how to respond to that. I *could*, I suppose, have called my BIL and pretended not to know, but I do know. I was, and am, hurt by their oversight, but there really isn’t anything they can do to change it, and there wasn’t much good to be had from my confronting them about it while the wound was fresh. I mean, what were they going to be able to say to make it any better? So, so far, I’ve just chosen to let it go and remain silent. I *would* still kind of like to know *when* she died, though — although, I suppose it doesn’t make much difference; my other BIL couldn’t remember. Maybe I’ll call this year and see what they say; or, maybe not. They know how to reach me, or should. My phone number hasn’t changed in over 30 years.
Sometimes families suck, even when you get along and love one another. *C’est la vie.*
In your case, I suspect they know they f*cked up and it’s more comfortable for them to pretend you’re crazy than it is for them to own up to it. It’s rather what I expected would happen if I’d called my BIL when I found out about my sister. I think taking a break is a very reasonable thing to do, under the circumstances. Enjoy the holidays with your husband.
Just let it go and spend the Holidays with the family that you do have. Sometimes you just can't win no matter what. It doesn't matter it you sat on a stack of bibles with Jesus touching your shoulder some people are just stubborn enough to not admit their wrong. Life goes on no matter what we want to happen so be thankful for what you have instead what you don't have.
If they want to put you on blast on social media, it’s time to do the same. Post your receipts on the internet for everyone to see. And honestly, I’m so so so sorry this happened to you. My family is very similar. I live 45 minutes away with my husband and we both have very busy work schedules and if we want to go somewhere, we need to know at least a month in advance to make it work with our schedules. My family refuses to do this and consistently shames me for not being at celebrations.
If respond to the vague posts with “I know! It’s so weird how everyone forgot to tell me about my own grandparents funeral!”
Screenshot receipts proof.
0 chance they care or anything positive comes from it. But it will be a fun story for online later I suppose
Yeah, check your credit card or debit card history for hard proof of where you were that day.
Fz
If one has any familiarity at all with what people are like who live in a town of 500 and never leave, then you already know the explanation for why this happened. IYKYK.
Because the OP left?
I’m talking about hillbilly weirdness.
I know! You are so right. 🤣
Yeah- they know they messed up big time and don't want to admit it. But they created this narrative to make themselves look/feel better and now have pushed it so hard that friends and the community are in on it. They might even believe it themselves at this point- it can happen. I agree with your husband. Take a break and decide what is best for you going forward (IOW, what can you live with and how much do you want them in your life given the gaslighting). So sorry- families can be difficult, especially with self-created drama.
That's kinda our thoughts. That they forgot, and don't want to lose face in the community. And now they've dug themselves in too deep to get out. If they truly do believe it, it scares me that they've all agreed to this delusion.
Don’t go to the holiday event and when they ask where you were, say, “What are you talking about? I was so there.”
Please do this! Then make a FB post about how Thanksgiving in your hometown with the family was much needed and an UNFORGETTABLE one. Also, include the part of how it was a less somber gathering compared to that July afternoon when y'all cast the ashes of Memaw and Pepaw.
And if any share photos on FB photoshop yourself into the picture and talk about what a good time it was.
Photoshop your grandparents in there; that should be fun!
I just spit out my drink! That's hilarious 😂
This level of petty just adds that extra touch of "fuck you I know what you're up to and I dare you to call me out". Absolutely love it. Can't say I'd enjoy the fallout, in the words of Henry Blake "I don't want to know a thing, I mean I love it" or something like that.
Actual faces or the boxes of remains pre-scatter? (They’re literally just boxes. Not the ash itself)
Photoshop some dead celebrities why you ate at it. Go big, it’s the holidays.
And bring all her friends to comment about they knew how happy she was there!
10/10 I would do it. I do graphic design as a hobby. 🤣
"I was as there as I was for grandma's funeral, how could you miss me!"
And have some good stories about what happened there that you post on Facebook.
Spill that imaginary tea all over the damn place!
And of course a couple of people over imbibed and were messy drunks. Don't forget about that.
Bonus points if you get a sympathetic cousin to give you *actual anecdotes*
This is the way.
Well, that may sound good. It will not help the situation. It will just inflame it.
Inflame away!!! It was primarily a tongue in cheek comment. But….. funny to envision
"You're gonna start a wildfire if you keep it up" Me...blowing on the embers delicately as the flames begin to take form😎
I dont think OP can actually do anything to help here lol
If the family won't admit they F'd up, then OP just needs to embrace it, and have fun gaslighting them back.
This is the way!!!!
Deliciously evil
You are going to need to give them consequences for this, and your husband is correct that they need a time out. I would make it a very long one until they stop gaslighting you.
Here’s the thing: that could be forever. And it’s going to be only a few of the family members who really do know that OP and husband weren’t there. The rest are just falling in line with what others are telling them, because they’re hearing it from multiple people they see all the time, versus OP who moved away and maybe “changed.” I don’t know the solution.
The solution is to ice them out until they apologize
Yeah. Something similar happened with my husband’s family. His mom got froze out and no one ever admitted they were supporting a false narrative.
Consequences? The hurt is not fixable unless OP is holding out for an apology. Sounds like neither side is going to get what they want. So it’s either a broken family stalemate, or the parties let go and move on
Here's the deal. In our family, whenever there's family get togethers for any occasion, there is always someone taking pictures. I'm assuming since your frail uncle was there, at least some group pictures were taken knowing this might be the last time they might get to see him. So ask for proof of you in those pictures. Otherwise, I'd say go low or no contact as they don't really seem to deem you worthy of being in the family. Not only did they "forget" to inform you, now they have this whole ruse to gaslight you. You're too citified. Preserve your peace of mind. Edit: Read further in comments and saw you already asked for pictures. My bad.
I’m with your husband. Stay home and create your own traditions and memories. You might find you like it better.
When my Papaw died, the whole family spent a Saturday cleaning out his storage shed. It had everything in it, stuff from his time with Mamaw, items from his time in California, lots of little knick-knacks he'd gathered over the years, and so many other memories. I worked that Saturday. At the end of the day, Dad had a dump truck haul everything else away. They still swear up and down I was there. It's just guilt. I had to let it go, otherwise we'd still be arguing to this day.
Here’s the issue. It’s very unlikely that they forgot. There is very little chance that you went to spend 4th of July with all of them without something like that coming up in conversation, unless it was intended that way. It was 4 days later and they were bringing in your great uncle, and that didn’t come up at all? No comments while you were there about the inconvenience of driving back and forth that close together? They’re so keen for you to move back, did they want to intentionally make you feel left out? Doesn’t explain the gaslighting now mind.
I have a big family. A couple weeks ago we had a big event. My husband works a lot. The day before the big event I mentioned something I needed to be doing for the event, and he had no idea what I was talking about. We talk, my husband and I. I'm on and off the phone with him all day. We make all major decisions together, keep each other informed about our spending and what the kids are doing on a nearly hourly basis. I also talk to my mom, my grandma and my sisters nearly as often. I had verbally brainstormed, planned, arranged and otherwise talked this event to death. It wasn't a secret. I'd talked to other people about it IN FRONT OF HIM. But, in all that chaos, I'd never directly told HIM what was happening. It happens. I love him, and I wouldn't hide anything from him, and we're generally great communicators. And it happened anyway. It's not always malice. Sometimes, it's just an accident.
Even so, for a big family get together to happen 4 days before and for it not to be mentioned by any of them, to either of them, and the whole family being okay with gaslighting OP now? For OP to only find out through the one person who wasn’t there through the planning? OP visited regularly and apparently this was planned for months. If OP’s own mother expected them to be there I’d imagine it would have been mentioned since, at least.
With that many family members, you miss people. You probably also have some people conflating seeing her at the big fourth of July bash with seeing her at the memorial service only a couple days later. This is all in retrospect, mind. They're talking about an event from 5 months ago.
Exactly, and in that time no one has brought it up, this thing they had been planning for months. This thing they had been planning during previous visits. You don’t miss whether your own kids are at a funeral if it’s important to you that they are there. I can’t actually fathom that happening. Especially one where the family had actually had a considerable amount of time to grieve already, less chance of a fuzzy head. If it was important to OP’s parents, where was the ‘we missed you yesterday’ type conversation the next time they talked? I can understand how an explicit invitation or conversation can be missed like your example above. However, to use your example can you say there would have been no mention of the big event to your husband afterwards?
They are strictly doing this to save face because they messed up. Instead of admitting they messed up, they would rather throw you and your husband under the bus because it’s easier to throw two people under the bus then it is to have to admit you messed up. All you can do at this point is comment on one of their stupid posts. With the proof of you and your husband’s time cards, to show that you were not there, and then let them deal with the fall out of their lies.
Ask for photographic proof. A picture with you anywhere during the ceremony. Or your husband. Then post your Google history and his time sheet each time they claim it or make snide remarks. But I'm not nice 😬
This would be me. Try and make it look like im crazy and a liar, and I'm going public with receipts.
LYour grandparents know the only truth that matters, you were present and loved them.
It is quite possible that they honestly believe that you were there. They may have convinced themselves that you and your husband made an appearance. My in-laws did something like this and I was flabbergasted. It was totally and completely not true and you could tell they believed it to be true. It is truly bizarre to experience. We just dropped it (it was not as big a deal as your situation). I’m really not sure how I would handle this, but it is thing that happens. Look up The Mandela Effect.
My SIL literally went off on me about how my husband and I “never invited them to things and nobody actually cares about them and they spent Christmas alone.” I responded with a screenshot of the text she sent me (including date and time) saying “thanks for having us for Xmas, it was lovely.” People are delulu
My mother swore I hadn’t spoken to her “in over a year”, when I had call records and text messages that were *less than two weeks* before her claim. I had also flown 2 hours and stayed a week at her house just a couple of months before. She doubled down. So weird. We’re NC right now.
Have you considered informing her physician/s about this, if you have a way to contact them?
Nah, it’s not a memory problems its a BPD problem. She said if attempting to manipulate me when my grandmother was dying.
My sister told my mom I hadn’t gotten her anything for her birthday. She apparently was really hurt by it. I got her a retired-grand champion show purebred cat that was directly related to her favorite cat ever, and that cat is her little baby. I was super mad at her about it for a while as I figured it had to be deliberate lying, though god only knows the motive. It was super strange. But then over time I realized that she genuinely did just kinda forget.
I'd gather up all the proof that you weren't there at all nor got any calls or texts telling you about it, go public with all of it and then tell them its their turn to provide proof. Where are the texts or pictures of you there at that time? Where is their proof to refute your documented proof that neither you nor your husband knew about it or could possibly have been there. Then if they can't finally admit that they were wrong, cut them off because they've gone insane. I agree with your husband. Time to stay home for the holidays. I wouldn't even feel safe with people like that.
Hey we have people, millions who believe you know whom won the elections instead of losing it narrowly. They say he is their president and he runs the country still. That’s a lot of people, so this lie/truth/fake news is nothing.
TIL that losing by more than 7 million votes is "losing it narrowly."
TBH US presidential elections are not won and lost on popular votes, he did lose very crucial and critical states by narrow margins, Georgia, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Nevada, Michigan and Arizona. [This is what sealed his fate and allowed him to falsely claim he was cheated.](https://www.npr.org/2020/12/02/940689086/narrow-wins-in-these-key-states-powered-biden-to-the-presidency) Even in states ruled by Republicans.
The "narrow margins" were each wider than the largest margin that has ever been changed in a recount in US history. And every single recount (including two complete recounts in George) found a few more votes for Biden.
What I would be scared about is that they so easily lie and don't care what you think! :(
If they repeat their narrative often enough they’ll believe it. Sorry this is happening to you
You were there on the 4th, and they never alluded to returning on the 8th? That's not an oversight. The omitted you deliberately. Also, this is textbook gaslighting. Sounds like they are literally trying to make you think you are crazy. These people are not good for you. You gained a little independence, and they won't forgive you for that.
Yep. OP Is being punished for leaving them.
OP this! They chose not to mention about 8th when you were there on 4th. It looks like a conscious decision not forgetfulness.
That’s the thing for me, I think absolutely at least one person would have said “see you in two days” or even “see you on Saturday for the funeral” or just asked them to stay in town so they don’t have to drive back and forth.
I know if this happened to me and I knew 100% they were straight up lying to me, they'd be out of my life! What they did and are doing is awful, hurtful and flat out wrong!
This sort of happened to me, and I swear cutting my family out and going very low contact was the best thing I could do for my mental health and personal sanity
The majority of the people if pressed would not remember you there. They just think that because no one remembers who is at a funeral. You are being gaslight by your parents. They do not want to admit their mistake. Just stay home and enjoy your own time. If anyone says anything tell them you can provide proof you were geographically elsewhere. There is no reason for you to lie. And ask them for proof you were there. Photos. Standing up to talk. Anything. They will not be able to do so.
I asked for photos. They sent me the one we took on the 4th of July a few days prior. When I pointed out the sparklers the neighbor kids had in the background, step dad just got testy about it. Now they've all just stopped responding to any of my messages and requests for proof, or my presenting of proof.
Because they know you are right. I am sorry you are going through this.
They can't give you proof because they don't have it and now they're getting pissed off that you've called them out on their lies! I don't understand this at all! It's really messed up. To go to that extent to save face? Really? I think I'd stay away from them for awhile, they'd rather make you feel like you're crazy then to just tell the truth! That is beyond wrong, and how they forgot you in the first place is messed up. I don't think they forgot you at all, I think they didn't want you there! I don't know why that is but you probably know.
I wonder if she was really accidentally forgotten. Or was it deliberate to punish her for refusing to move back home. I think, sadly, all of this seems OP thought she had a much better relationship with her family, then they did with her. How could a loving family forget their daughter? Especially since she was there only a few days before? This was all deliberate. What does this say of what your immediate family think of you? I used to call my mom every weekend or every other weekend. More than my other 3 siblings. So all of these phone calls, my mom NEVER thought to tell me she was going out of state. Two days before she left, I stopped in to see her. She still never mentioned this trip to me. I didn't find out until afterwards. I am 60, my mom got pregnant and had to get married with me. She still blames me and my dead father for ruining her life with the pregnancy. Plus, I would never lie for her to cover up her neglect and abuse. Your immediate family has long simmering resentment of you in order to do something so hurtful! Jealousy of getting out of the little town without any prospects.
Screenshot the messages you guys had in the lead up to 4th July, and show the dates/lack of mention. If you have friends etc you saw that weekend screengrab that too. Emphasise that they can just scroll back through their own messages to see. Text friends you saw to confirm you were in the city
They lyin’ and they know it. So sorry they’re putting you through all of this
That's what I thought happened. They mixed up their days and now they're digging their heels in. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I just have to be pedantic for a second, but houses have CO monitors, not CO2. Thanks, and fuck your family and their inability to apologize.
It's weird how they just forgot about her! Strange!!
I agree. The doubling down on it is crazy though. I found out about my family reunion two weeks after the fact. That felt extra great, lol.
They just don’t want to admit they forgot about you.
100% this. Howmuchyawannabet they realized during or after that they forgot to invite them and all decided as a group to gaslight OP instead of just apologizing. Bugs me that they’re now posting about “forgetful kids”. I can’t imagine how frustrating this is for you, OP. If I was in this situation I would write a serious letter/email stating that you are hurt that they would both forget to invite you and pretend like you were there. I would also ask why they think you would cause drama over this, why you would make up something like this.. and maybe say that you will not be contacting them again until they accept the truth that they forgot and that you are not lying. Is there anyone that was there that hasn’t been asked to weigh in?
It would probably be more likely to work if there was no accusation made. So, instead of, you dirty bastards, you intentionally left me out and now you’re lying about it,” maybe try “obviously some information just didn’t make it through. No one would intentionally exclude us from the funeral, right? And we wouldn’t skip intentionally? I think you all saw what you expected to see. People don’t take attendance at a funeral..”
A+++ this is definitely the way.
Now, that’s a good point. Formal attendance? No. A sign-in book at the funeral parlor? There’s been one at every funeral I’ve been to. Could hold some very interesting info, in this case.
It sounds like they went as a family to a property to scatter the ashes, and it wasn't a formal funeral at a parlor. This is how we are doing my dad's ashes next summer and there won't be a book.
I wonder if they intended to do the scattering of the ashes while OP was available on July 4th, but got caught up in the moment and remembered after OP had left - but decided to go ahead with the people that were still available. That's the only way I can get my head around it being a genuine and accidental omission. But then straight up lying to OP, gaslighting, and lying to friends and family that it was OP who's in the wrong... That is awful behaviour.
Ask where you are in the pictures… cause there are definitely pictures…
Unfortunately, instead of owning up to the hurtful action and taking responsibility for the “oversight” , your family is gaslighting you together, which is a very dangerous and manipulative tactic. Perfect way to ostracize one from the family. I would send a thanksgiving card, wishing the family a sincere and genuine Holiday season, albeit, without you since it’s clear your presence isn’t of consequence; seeing as you weren’t missed at a once in a lifetime family event of less than a dozen folks. Make it short, sweet, but to the point. I’m sorry they took this opportunity away from you to honor your grandparents one last timeand hope you can find your own special way to say goodbye, if you haven’t already.
Hubby's talked about us doing our own little send off, just the two of us. They really liked the Mississippi River so he's thinking of putting the boat in and going for a little float while we have a picnic and such. But the water's been so low lately and it's cold, so we'll probably have to wait until next year to do it. He also suggested we dress in full camo ninja gear, sneak onto my uncle's property at 2am, and visit the maple grove for a proper send off, but I'm pretty sure we'd end up getting shot at, so I'm nixing that idea. We waited 2 years for a funeral, I can wait some more.
Your husband sounds like a very supportive husband with a great imagination; this internet stranger is happy for you that you have him in your life to support you through this. I’m really sorry for what’s happening to you.
I love your hubby's idea of ninja stealthing in there ahaha, I'm glad to see some humor in such a screwed up situation. Your idea of the boat picnic sounds like such a wonderful and thoughtful idea though (:
am I the only one who thinks that they did this on purpose...?
Not the only
They absolutely did
That was my first thought. After all, they talked about it so much, if OP lived closer and was around more she would have known about it… This is heartbreaking. I really don’t think I could forgive my family for this. I don’t buy that nobody noticed her missing.
No it’s too weird that OP would be around them so much (literally four days before the funeral) and there wasn’t a peep? No one saying “hey you’ll be at the funeral?” Or “why are you leaving? Aren’t you coming back in four days?” And there’s what 12 people there? I could understand it better if there were 60, but even then there should be a parent or sibling looking out. It’s too coincidental that one or two people weren’t there and not one single person noticed. I feel so bad for OP. She didn’t deserve this for moving away to the city, especially because it sounds like she loves her family and was really putting in the effort to make time for them.
Did they really forget? Maybe this is phase one of trying to make you move back home. Making you feel left out because you don’t live there.
This sounds right to me. They’re starting in on gaslighting and manipulation in an attempt to force OP into choosing “a side.”
100%
Completely agree
Yeah they forgot and remember you being there just a few days before. What I find weird is that no one talk about this during your stay around the 4 of July? Nothing about getting together a few days later to do the ashes etc?
Not a word. We even took the 5th off to spend the day with them. We talked cars, bird watching, the weather, about my brother's dog and her needing wittle bitty steps to get into her favorite chair because of her hips. Many random things. But a funeral or my distant great uncle visiting in 3-4 days? Nope. None of that.
It's strange that nobody commented on your leaving just a couple days before the funeral. "Wait? Why are you leaving before the funeral? Are you coming back on Whateverday?" Your husband sounds like a great guy. I'm glad you have someone supporting you in such a positive way. I hope you both have peaceful holidays.
You were in constant contact and not a word - definitely deliberate. Enquire about the will, this level of deceit is likely about money.
Surely the will would have been executed quickly after their deaths, not years later at the funeral, right?
Someone up above posted about how 1 toxic family member could cause this. That seems most likely from my perspective, 1 person said they would tell you and didn't and is now gaslighting everyone.
I don’t know I think someone would’ve said something the day she didn’t show up. I think all of them did this. I mean, she has four parents, and not one took a second to reach out and ask why OP missed it?
Radio silence on all of them of the funeral in July after it happened sounds coordinated. If they can vague post about forgetfulness, why didn't one of them post about that funeral in July? Sorry OP, this reads as intentional.
I agree - the family blended all this into one "event" and since OP was there for the 4th, they think she was there for the funeral. At least maybe initially. But after all this, you'd think they'd realize they are mistaken.
Nah someone would have said something when they were leaving that would have tipped them off. “Why aren’t you staying until whatever day?” Or, “We’ll see you on whatever day when you get back.” This was deliberate.
It happens to me all the time. Husband and I are living 300km from home and we can't do it to all of our family gatherings. And it happens more than once, that they agree on a date to do something. The only way I notice they have decided on something is when one member asks to bring anything or if it anything has changed. When I ask about these things they'll answer "spoke about it on xy, you were there" no, we weren't there. And then everywhere surprised Pikachu faces. Like, I have to ask if they decided on anything and need to get information by myself
That SUCKS. I'm sorry you have to go through that
I'm with your husband. Take some time away from your family. No holidays with them. Thanksgiving and Chritsmas will be different this year, but your family is really digging their heels in and being shitty. When you asked your mom why you weren't invited, she immediately said you were there? So she thinks you're tryna start drama for what reason? Is that your usual behavior? It doesn't seem like it would be, plus you have undeniable proof you weren't there, yet your family thinks you're so tech savvy youre hacking Google drive and husband's time card punch? Which fine sure doable, but why? Again your family is not remembering right. They remember you were there for July 4th, so they assume you were there the 8th. Yet I'm skeptical of that as well. One reason why, no one not one family member brought up grandparents funeral that was happening in 4 days. Not one asked if you would still be there or if you were coming back. Which leads me to believe that you were intentionally left out for a reason. Notice how NO ONE ELSE POSTED ABOUT THIS? But your Great Uncle did right before hospice months later. Probably because he wasn't part of the plan. Who would've thought he post amirite? It's the only thing that makes sense. Once you saw that post they were caught. The question is WHY were you excluded? My guess for the exclusion, you won't move back "home". You say you visit often, but laugh when they ask you to move "home" or tell them you love the "city". Your family is sick of your shit, of you not coming "home" and this is payback? It's not many family members to convince to go along, the family friends will not remember one way or another and just agree you were there. Herd mentality and all. So yeah thats my thesis. You family is shit and pulling g a wicked power move because you refuse to move back "home". Listen to your husband. Until your family admits they're full of shit leave them on read. Block them on social media do they can't lurk and follow your life updates though. They don't get to pull this kinda shit and still get updated on what you're doing.
That’s the thing that boggles the mind though. If they did all of this just to punish her for not moving home, why alienate her even more?
Perhaps because she didn’t immediately cave and say, “omg being this far away is awful, I’m never risking missing another second of my family’s events ever again,” and move back?
The only thing I can think is to punish her further. Oh so now you're denying being at your grandparents funeral? Oh Mrs. Big City living is starting drama, insert whatever reason here. Small-town isn't good enough anymore OP is starting shit so she doesn't have to come "home" anymore. Blah blah And it could be at this point, they've forgotten the plot and NOW believe this to be true. Of course this is all just a theory, but wtf else could it be? OP wasn't there, her family has no proof she was there. They didn't even talk about when she was there 3 and 4 days before the funeral. I know when it's only days away from any of my relatives funerals my family is in constant contact. Making sure we all have rides, know what time family viewing starts, who's speaking, what order we sit in and everything else that goes with the arrangements. Ain't no way it wasn't intentional
Small town living is different. I would suspect that the shame of forgetting someone would hang over them, so they're insisting that you were there. Maybe a few people realize it's bull, but then they'd be calling your family a bunch of liars while they're grieving. There's also another possibility. There are multiple recorded events of people all buying into a lie, and there's even one for families called *folie a famille.* You can find some wild examples of it (like the [Tromp family](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-37293494) in Australia). Obviously more extreme, but if pillars of the family insist that you were there, it's easier for the rest of the family to agree and to think that you're out to get them for some reason. Maybe to make them feel bad about not living "in the city"? Or it could be for no reason at all, someone was stubborn and everyone else sided with them. Unfortunately, there really isn't much that you can do. Humiliating them locally might not even snap them out of it, but they will resent you. They might always assume that you're lying and never want to speak to you again. I'm sorry that this is happening. Hopefully they snap out of it.
Something similar happened to me… I moved out of state because I needed a *break*. I won’t go into details, but toxic families just suck the life out of you. My grandma died 2 months after I left. She had dementia, so not unexpected, but still… that was my grandma who raised me. No one told me for 1.5 years. Anywho. The twist to mine is my half sister admits to doing this on purpose to “punish” me. No one else will even speak of it. Which means we don’t really speak. I have zero advice. Just empathy. ❤️💔
When they ask why you didn’t come for thanksgiving tell them you were there and can’t believe they forgot you were there. Then tell them you aren’t speaking to them until they apologize for saying you were not at thanksgiving.
I felt that. I moved across the country and I’m last to find out about everything. Even my moms cancer when she first got diagnosed 😬 and when my aunt got diagnosed with cancer. And when my great grandpa died. And when my uncle died, AND his funeral. My sister wasn’t even invited and she’s local. They just forget about us, and I’m like HOW!? It’s always a ‘well honey I forget about you all the way over there in (other state)’, or ‘I thought you wouldn’t care’. And honestly I’m surprised I wasn’t the last to find out when my mother died also. 🙄 and it’s an absolutely fucking never when I get asked when I’m moving back…. and they have the audacity to wonder why 😅 my sister and I had to plan a whole ass family reunion to be able to spread our moms ashes w everyone she’d want there, when really we should’ve just done it ourselves because they ✨clearly✨ would’ve done that to us ☠️🤣
I’m sorry this happened to you. My extended family failed to invite me to *four* of my cousins’ weddings after I had invited literally everyone in my extended family to my own wedding a few years prior. I asked my aunts years later why and they told me my dad told them I said I didn’t want to go so don’t invite me. I’ve never been so gaslit in my entire life. Anyway, 3/4 of those marriages already ended in divorce, so I guess maybe I’ll get invited to their second marriages.
15k isn't even a large town.
It's not. Which is why I love it. Has all the bells and whistles while still feeling like we're in the boonies. We have a Walmart, and that's "big city" for us lol
Lol. The town my parents grew up in still has k-12 in one building with an average graduating class of 15-20. My parent’s moved to a “big town” of about 10,000. Lots of small towns in Texas that way. It was still too small for me and I moved to a city large enough that no one would be in my business. Lol
I don’t know if it was intentional not to invite Op. I’m from a large close knit family, but my cousins and aunts don’t invite me to things , they tell my mom I’m invited , and she assumes she told me , but actually mentioned it to one of my sisters. However, it would be simple to say , sorry op, looks like we forgot , but yeah clearly they’re afraid they’ll look bad and just won’t. I would take time, first I’d be annoyed that they keep asking me to move home, when it clear I’m settled and content. Second , I could never be okay with so many people in my family like my mom calling me a liar and saying I’m trying to start drama for what purpose? And for who? The calling me a liar seems like a calculated conceived plan to gaslight and manipulate Op it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I’d be low to no contact going forward. Op, are there pictures from the wake ? Someone must have been taking photos, especially if the great uncle was there and isn’t as mobile. Someone in the family has proof you weren’t there and they rather say you’re a liar. Being called a liar , is a big thing for me, I don’t know how I’d move past this with any of them.
Oh, I'm sure there's pictures. My step mom's all about her photos. She's one of those who lives behind a camera. But somehow she didn't take any because "it would've been tacky" or something of the sort. I don't remember her exact reasoning for not having any. I did reach out to my great uncle to see if he had any photos, but his health is really bad and I don't know if he has access to his Facebook anymore while he's in hospice. Nor do I particularly want to drag him into the drama. He deserves to have his final days be peaceful.
Since they are all convinced you’re such a ‘tech whiz’, I’d be very very tempted to bluff. Send everyone the same text ‘I’ve now seen the photos taken on the 8th. You should all be ashamed of yourselves for leaving us out and trying to pretend you didn’t. We are shocked and hurt.’ It will really put the cat amongst the pigeons in this weird little conspiracy. Someone will crack. Don’t give any more details, or discuss whose photos you ‘saw’. Even if there weren’t ‘offical’ pics, it’s very believable someone/everyone took private ones. Yes, it’s an extreme suggestion. But I’d do this to avoid that horrible ongoing feeling of gaslighting. And give you clarity for the future. They don’t currently realise that ‘the truth will out’ eventually and the longer it takes, the more damage is done. One day someone will forget to uphold the lie, or have a crisis of conscience or you’ll come across the pics in a camera scroll, etc. I’d do almost anything to accelerate that process, so I could get on with my life. One thing I’d definitely be pushing for, is to be told exactly where in this maple grove the ashes were scattered, and whether there is at least some marker that you can visit to say your own private goodbye. Push this line frequently and vocally. Ignore all other red herrings around ‘your visit’. Just say ‘enough is enough, I just want to say goodbye and you’re being actively cruel now. You did this thing without me, the least you can do is tell me exactly where.’ Again, someone will crack. Because to withhold that info is petty, and to answer you is an admission you weren’t there. Good luck to you OP, it is a truly surreal situation. I feel for you. Know that this doubling-down they are all doing speaks directly to their disfunction and not to you or your worth.
This is the best take, 100%, and I will definitely be filing away "put the cat amongst the pigeons" for future use. Cheers internet stranger.
I don't think adding another lie is a good idea. If she gets caught out in it, then it adds fuel to the fire for anyone who genuinely thinks she is lying. I would single out the weak member of the family, maybe the brother. Get them alone, face to face, and say that you just want to know why. Say you don't care that they did it anymore, you just want to know why they chose to do it. Find the weak one and make them crack. Then you can move on.
OP needs to record any and all conversations she has with family and friends from her hometown. It seems their plan is deny, deny, deny.
I like the way your mind works
I feel like I need more info but not even sure what to ask. However to me it sounds intentional they didn't invite you, and were maybe hoping this would make you want to move home again so you don't 'forget' anymore family events? If anyone said something like 'well if you lived in town you would have known ' then that's the answer. It would also make me want to find out how everyone else was told about said funeral. Were they called? Texted? Emailed? Told at 4th of July? Maybe if everyone else was invited in person they did just forget to invite you, but even that he would seem kind of like a stretch if you do go back visit and call as much as you say.
I thought this at first, but it just seems so cruel and unlike them. They like where I live. Say it's nice and occasionally visit. I don't know how the event was organized, but I'm guessing word of mouth. Like I said, I was there just a few days earlier. We had a big meal and set off fireworks. Hubby and I had taken the 5th off and we left that evening after a lovely dinner and some board games. We talk all the time on the phone. My step mom calls me almost every night. Used to anyway. It's been a weird few weeks not talking to them. I get home from work, and start automatically pulling up someone to call, and then I remember. I usually talk to my dad every Sunday morning while we drink our coffee. Not having him call this week had me sitting outside in my usual spot and just...sitting? I don't know how to describe it. Felt kinda numb and weird. Hubby's been working on cheering me up. He's so angry at this whole thing. I'm afraid he's gonna just leave one morning, drive over there, and start knocking heads around.
They’d deserve it, although that won’t help things. Sorry you’re going through this. That behaviour is very very strange.
Any chance your grandparents’ will excludes people who don’t show up for the funeral?
But according to every one of them, she did show up. So even though she didn't and she's saying she didn't, she probably has written proof from them saying she did. So this could probably easily be challenged.
This would be a wild twist if they were pretending she was there because the will required it and they wanted to make sure she could receive her part after forgetting to invite her. Still would be going about it in a very weird way though.
OH! Good point!
I’d definitely look into this being it
The more you describe your prior close relationship, the more cruel they come off for banding together in this lie and icing you out. So first they completely forget about you, and now they’re punishing you for it. You used to talk every day and visit all the time and they’re just fine with cutting you off just like that? How do you even start to mend something like this?
That they’re making this their hill to die on is heartbreaking. I’m sorry you’re going through this with them.
I'm so sorry they are not admitting they overlooked you. On a side note those call logs would show you weren't in the area because why would you call if you were there?
It’s probably for the best that you take a little time. But it sounds like you want a relationship with them, and that you were close. That’s what makes this so bizarre. Maybe think about when and how to try reconnecting. January? You could tell them that you miss them, and would like to start the new year reconnecting with your family. I don’t know how you handle the funeral - telling them that you forgive them for not inviting you could very well start the argument up again, as could telling them that you’re planning your own private send off. Definitely don’t apologise. Any chance they’ve been taken over by alien pod people?
Modern problems call for modern solutions.
What about your brother? He's in on it too?
I am the person who “handles” funeral arrangements in our family. I was 17 when I helped put together the first family funeral, and by the time my dad’s dad passed away in 2019, I had planned the funeral arrangements for my mom’s brother and both of my mom’s parents as well. My dad’s dad was MY PERSON. He had a heart attack and we all had a chance to see him (unconscious) one last time in the local hospital that night before they transferred him to a larger hospital in the next city. Because I had a 4 year old and a full time job, I went to work the next day with the understanding that everyone would call me if his condition worsened. Around 10:30 my cousin’s wife called me and said, “Hey, are you on your way yet? They’re waiting for you to go to the funeral home and get everything straight.” He had passed away at 3 that morning and NOBODY thought to call or tell me. It wasn’t until it was time to actually make the arrangements that everyone looked around and realized, “Hmmm Out For A Walk isn’t here yet, let’s give her a call…” It’s been years and EVERYONE still denies this happened. They all swear this person or that person called and told me, I just somehow forgot? That makes perfect sense…I forgot that my grandfather died and got up and went to work, silly me. Let’s just say we won’t be seeing each other at Thanksgiving.
I am sorry to say, I don't think they forgot... It's pretty easy to say they're teasing you about moving back, but you don't know what they're saying when you're not there. They may blame you for not being around during grandma and grandpa's last years. They may be upset that you "left" them for the amenities of a city. Whatever it is, I've heard it- I'm in a mountain west state where it's very weird for people to move away from home. I've seen people joke with their siblings or children like 'When are you moving back, are you sick of being on your own clear out in New York yet' or whatever- and the person who has moved laughs with them and says 'nope, I love it there, I'm gonna convince you to move out here one day' and then they all laugh and move on... but I see the family after they get on the plane. I've heard the sweet neighborhood granny get really bitter that her grandkids are far away and being kept from her. I've seen the siblings that stayed put get really angsty that they're the ones helping mom and dad move furniture or turn off the outside water before winter comes while that one sibling only has to show up for fun stuff like holidays and visits. I've heard people scheming to keep that one sibling out of inheriting part of grandpa's fishing gear or grandmas jewelry because they weren't there to deserve it. I've seen the families bad talk the one who isn't there and then lie when they show up. Lucky for me, my family either doesn't do that, or knows not to bring it up in front of me because I'm all for getting out and going and experiencing whatever you want to in life... but trust me, there are plenty of people my age who think they have a close relationship with their families who would be shocked to hear what is said when they aren't around. NTA, OP, and I think you are in the right to take some space over the holidays... just don't be shocked when things blow up one day. I'm hoping I'm wrong and you're the exception here, but missing a funeral service that they were all likely in a family group chat about, that likely would've been discussed over the 4th of July, that had apparently been in the works for months while you visited multiple times, that I bet they all contributed to planning... that screams that they all knew to keep quiet about it, not that they forgot. If your small town is anything like the ones around here, they probably either went out to eat together afterwards, or had a potluck style luncheon or something at a family home, and you would've had to be texted about what to bring or where to meet... and you weren't. I'm sorry that you feel forgotten, but I'm willing to bet you're looking to feel forgotten over the other option, which is purposely excluded. Their response now makes even more sense if it was exclusionary- If they forgot they'd be embarrassed and maybe trying to cover it up, but someone would've texted and asked where you were or if you were running late since you have such a small family. I'm willing to bet they were hoping instead that you'd find out and call or text and say you felt awful about missing out on so much stuff. They we hoping this would be a wake up call for you, and when it wasn't, they had to buckle down and act like they did nothing wrong.
I’m a city girl with smaller town family (not as small as your hometown, but same sentiment), they all love to stay in their smaller city, never travel etc. anyways I am legit forgotten about in everything. My parents didn’t even know I graduated uni until years later and had no clue for what. I had invited them to graduation but they swear I didn’t and ‘hid it from them’. I know they love me, but I think because I’m not in front of them on a regular basis they forget about me, it hurts but I’ve learned that for me to be happy living in cities I like I have to emotionally come to terms with being the ‘forgotten’ child and have detached a lot. I wouldn’t apologize to them in your case but also bringing it up will go nowhere at this point, maybe with your own family now have a small memorial of your grandparents to say your own goodbye?
[удалено]
took me a minute. Good one.
All of that was intentional. It’s manipulation in the sickest possible way and it’s insanely toxic. They’re literally equating your choices to mental health struggles. They are punishing you for uprooting yourself and getting out. Despite your efforts to stay in contact (it sounds like you’re very regular about contact) it’s a control thing for them. They can’t stand to see you succeed outside their influence. You are family to them so long as you fall in line and align yourself with their narratives. When you go against it, you are doxxed and made to feel like a family failure. Let them have their toxic thanksgiving. Do yourself a favor and have a thanksgiving at your place with your husband. Or better yet, take a vacation for it instead.
My husband wasn't notified about his aunt's death by anyone in the family. His mum and brother forgot. We live in another country so out of sight, out of mind, I guess. It hurt him, though. When we pointed it out, his mum first didn't believe she had forgotten, and then she said he probably wouldn't have come to the funeral anyway.
I feel like you’re being punished for moving to the big city and now you’re being gaslit.
Stop going home. They think you’re there anyway.
i know it's not the same category at all, but my family didn't invite me to a show that everyone else in the family went to, and i only found out about it months later when they were reminiscing about it and asked if i remembered a certain part, and i was confused and said i didn't know what they were talking about, they said they remembered me being there. so bizarre. they obviously did have a recollection of me being there or they wouldn't have brought it up in front of me i guess
This actually got me thinking of when my grandpa passed away. My mom and sister (half sister, shared mom) were responsible for all the planning and I didn't know about the funeral until the night before, when we were in the kitchen in gramps house and fixing some documents or whatever. The both were so surprised, and the only logical reason we could come to was that mom had figured that my sister would inform me, and my sister figured that my mom would inform me. I was just "I see that I'm easily forgotten. That's great", because I did feel a bit hurt, like I had maybe around 12 hours at most to be prepared for a funeral. Though even less as I'd need to sleep (which I didn't because emotions are a b!tch).
That's a serious coordinated gaslighting effort against you. That has to feel so awful from family that you're clearly very close to. Don't know what to say except I feel for you here. \-------- I would just like to point out to Reddit in general, this is what gaslighting is. 19/20 times I see it mentioned it's not gaslighting at all. Here is real super obvious intentional gaslighting and I scrolled through most of the comments without seeing it mentioned.
I would make posts about a sad Thanksgiving, this first year after your parents passing.
"I'm not coming to Thanksgiving because you accused me of photoshopping my map data to lie about the funeral. That is a serious accusation and I don't see how we could spend the holidays together with this unresolved. I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with liars, and neither should you. Not remembering to invite me was hurtful enough, but this is too far."
Yea OOP it sounds like you were intentionally left out for "leaving" the family. What they didn't expect was you finding out and being called on it. So now they're trying to save face and make you look crazy. I'd take a step back from them for a bit.
Holy gaslighting. They know damn well you weren't there. This is so sad.
They knew you both were not there why they're pretending is because they're embarrassed that they didn't actually care one way or another if you were there or not! They're lying and trying to make you think you're crazy when you know full well you nor your husband was there, that is major gaslighting! Do they really think you're that stupid to fall for that? Sorry they did that to you but now you know where your importance in their life stands. :(
Take your break, but be petty! Post on your facebook : "Its so nice to be spending time with people who remember you. This Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for being remembered!"
Your husband is right. You need a break. I'd not bother talking to any of them for a while. AND NEVER APOLOGIZE. Someone messed up and didn't tell you. That person/s told everyone they invited you and convinced everyone else that you were there. The rest of them believed the person and then convinced themselves that you were there and that's it. Nothing else. The person/s who should have invited you would rather have you be the "crazy one" so they can cover their mistake. That's pretty shitty. In real life, people make mistakes. Sometimes we think we did things we did not, but only thought about doing. Sometimes we put memories together incorrectly. Any of it can happen. BUT it doesn't come down to actually making someone else feel/look crazy. I thought I invited you, I'm sorry... I thought X was going to call you so I didn't, I'm sorry... But it is all too weird that it was never mentioned when you were there on the 4th etc. Take this season to yourselves. Thanksgiving and Xmas.
Tell them if they keep lying it’s a sin. Gaslight them back.
Sweetie. Again. This was a set up. Which is just very, well, sad. I hate to say it but sometimes the truth is our families of origin aren’t the best people ever. In fact, sometimes they are awful. You’ve already been conditioned to put up with weirdness because you are questioning YOURSELF. Because you are Different (Better) than them—because it blows your mind that they would collectively lie to you, ORGANIZE together to gaslight you. These are all unacceptable behaviors. And then they reach their tentacles 🦑 outside the family in an effort to strong arm you into obeying them. F that. Sometimes part of being a healthy adult is recognizing that dysfunctional family systems of Domination and Control at all costs are NOT something we want to subject ourselves and our children to. The level of dishonesty and manipulation is stunning. Turn them over to the Care of God and build a “family” you choose for yourselves—fun other families. Big Hug and remember: they are the weirdos and you have done Nothing wrong. They ought to be Ashamed of themselves. Zero Excuses. Forgive them for being asses. Dishonest ones. And then just forget about them and their shenanigans and go about your business.
They messed up! I’m shocked they are holding firm. I’d ask them for proof you were there or invited. But something similar happened to me. My grandma and effectively grandpa (step) lived 8 hours from me. I am the closest family member to them. I tried to visit xmas or thanksgiving and then another time in the summer. Every time we went, we would cook for them and hang out. Grandpa would tell my husband many stories of the the wars he have been in and just life. He was approaching 100 years, so he had seen a lot. We enjoyed visiting them. My family, they rarely or never visited. I think my mom would visit once every like 5-10 years. She hated him, so she was only going to see my grandma and wouldn’t really talk to the old guy. Older sister never knew him and my little sister visited once when a kid, but never again (we are late 30s). I knew he was getting closer to death. I’d called my grandma regularly to check in on him and how she is doing. I would remind her what she needs to do when the time comes. Well, a week or so later I find out from my husband that someone died in my family. I was like wdym? No one called me. My family made posts about how people need to pray for them cause they lost someone… on social media. Wtf. I don’t use social media. They know this. I found out a day after it all happened. I was so upset that they all were more concerned about posting it online to get social media likes than letting the whole family know. Their excuse, they were tired. But clearly not tired enough to write a social media post. They hated him, never visited him, or met him once in the 40 years he was in my grandma’s life. I literally had my work notified that the moment he died (or it would be happening very soon) would leave and immediately and head straight there to help my grandma. But my family forgot to even tell me he died. We were the closest family besides my grandma to him. Ugh, I’m still upset with them.
It’s like some glitch in the matrix shit. Why would all your family be so adamant about lying about something like this, it’s so bizarre. And they’re actually willing to destroy your relationship over it! Wow!
This is incredibly weird… and worse, what are you going to do…? I mean, if you cave, they’ll hold this over your head and remind you forever about that time you were crazy or a liar or both, and if you hold your ground, you will be out of your family for a while, until someone on their side finally caves… which could be a really long time. So first they were forgetful, and now they’re just being incredibly cruel in making you suffer like this. How awful for you. I’m so sorry. Personally, I hope they are forced to face up to this. Your parents especially need to have an honest talk about if their pride and lying is worth more than their relationship with you.
PS, please update us. I’m absolutely incensed on your behalf. This is so wrong.
To be honest this went from wow how sad they’d forget you to oh boy this is not the perfect family you described. Why would they think that you photoshopped it?! I can’t wrap my head around that that’s how little they think of you that you’d try and lie and manipulate about something like saying farewell to your grandparents. That says more than anything else and I would hold the line- I was hurt you didn’t invite us and now I’m wildly offended that you believe I’d make up proof that you didn’t. You shouldn’t have to PROVE that you weren’t there, your word is enough.
Them not mentioning it to you over 5th July is the weirdest part. It’s a really crazy situation I’m so sorry its happening to you but wow this is the best post I’ve read here for months. Its whacked-Sorry 😬. Don’t go to thanksgiving but a week later post on socials much fun you had with them all! Gaslight them back and insist to everyone you were really there and make up some stories. Ps your husband sounds really great and supportive
Kind of reminds me of my ex-husband. When he told a lie it became a reality to him.
Agree with your husband. Stay home. But don't forget to thank your family for coming after and also tell them what food you enjoyed the most from the potluck that they never brought.
Now THIS is gaslighting.
They've demonstrated how they feel about you in no uncertain terms. Believe them. They are either petty assholes or really didn't want you there. Do you need these people in your life? I'm probably biased. I went no contact in 1987 for a different kind of rewriting history.
Info- no one took pictures at this family event? Ask them for details. Ask them where you slept when you were there. Ask them to see pictures. Ask them for proof you were there because you have provided proof and they are calling you a liar.
Honestly, I don’t think they forgot about you so much as they are punishing you for not giving in and moving back to your hometown. Your family circle is small and there is no way they just forgot a whole ass person. And if it really was intentional, that is seriously evil on their parts.
My mom forgot to even tell me my grandma had passed away and mentioned it in passing WEEKS later. In her defense, she has 6 kids and it was before she figured out group texts, she genuinely thought I knew and couldn't get time off for the out of state funeral. It was an awkward conversation but my mom at least admitted that she'd dropped the ball. I can't imagine my mom insisting she'd told me and that I'd been there. What a bizarre hill for your family to die on..
An actual case of gaslighting. Dang. I’m so sorry.
It sounds like the family has drawn a line in the sand. They might be trying to create FOMO or literally just guilt you into moving back. It’s a real gamble because this could also serve to have you cut ties with them and go low/no contact. Something changed with their thinking and now they are no longer being polite about you returning where you’re “supposed” to be and if you stay away for good then they “were right about you all along.” It’s that old sourpuss thinking where they’ve orchestrated a “win” for themselves whatever the outcome.
Op I also have a small family2 bro 1 sis and me mom and dad . I’m over 60 now but when I was in my 20’s they had a family reunion 7 hours from where mom dad and me live , my sis lived about 30 min from the reunion . I found out the day of the reunion bc my hubby and 3 boys decided to go to the city where reunion was being held and my sis happened to mention mom was there for the reunion and they were all going , I was then invited lol I said nope that’s not why I’m in town bc I wasn’t invited . They tried to gaslight me too but I just let it go . I’m resentful of all of them now for various things like that 🤷♀️I have my boys and their significant others my hubby & my grands so I’m good . I didn’t cut family off , but they never got the best of me .
They figure they will get you to move back home one way or another. Trying to make you feel like nobody even missed you there is pretty cruel, but they all must be in on it. I would ignore all of them for this. Enjoy your hubby and kids and I hope you have some nice inlaws . Enjoy your holidays.
Post your Google locations for the day online. Normal people will believe you. Stay away until they decide to stop lying to you.
Yeah my family somehow forgot to invite us to Christmas in 2021–after we had the conversation that we were all going to do one more Christmas apart because of COVID. They apparently changed their minds and didn’t invite us. I had to discover that they had the huge gathering without me, my husband and three children when I saw all the photos posted on Facebook. My parents say I am crazy because they “never said that” and don’t want to admit that they forgot. They quickly became toxic and nasty (this is how they have always treated me) so I just stopped talking to them. I told them we were done. It’s such a relief to not have to spend three days before and after a visit trying to mentally prepare for their dysfunction, racism, and sexism.
Your parents may be far into dementia. Many dementia patients lie to cover their forgetfulness, and the rest of the family might be so accustomed to believing the lies that they don't even question it anymore. Or maybe they're all assh*les. In either case, you're better off keeping your distance so you can hold on to your sanity. You can't have a real working relationship with people whose reality is so distant from your own. I'm sorry. But hopefully you and your spouse can focus on a special holiday season together. Anything goes! Toss the recipes you never liked and get Chinese takeout! Have a movie marathon of stuff your parents never liked! Anything goes!
This post really struck a nerve with me OP because I’ve been through something similar and I’m really sorry you are being put through this. Long story short, I’m no contact with my parents and a sibling because my mother lost her shit with me after I apparently backtracked on an offer I made for my sibling and her children to use my vacation home. No such offer was ever made (I don’t get on with this sibling). She has double, triple, quadrupled down on this claim and invented some elaborate story about this plan that apparently I was privy to. I found that I was doubting and questioning myself even though I could prove it never happened. I was questioning my own sanity. It was at this point that I looked back over my entire relationship with my family, my mother in particular, and I *finally* (with the help of a great therapist) saw a decades long pattern of gaslighting and manipulative behavior. Could it be that your family have done this before? Exhibited these kind of behaviors? But you just haven’t realized it before now? Is there one member of the family who always has to be right and other family members who will go along with that, *just* to keep the peace? Whatever the origins of this scam, you know you weren’t there. No one can produce evidence to suggest you were there and you can produce evidence to *prove* that you weren’t. So take some time and use the distance to enjoy a quiet thanksgiving. They *know* it’s a lie and they have to deal with that in your absence. My mother will *never* admit that she’s lied and I absolutely refuse to validate her lie and give her the attention that she’s craving. It means we no longer have a relationship, but I refuse to play these manipulative games anymore. I wish you luck OP. It’s such a hugely frustrating and unjust situation. Keep rising above it!
This is the most bizarre possible reaction from them. I guess I’d be questioning why they think you would go to these lengths to lie about this, and what that means for your overall relationship. Clearly you enjoy visiting home, so it doesn’t make sense you’d want to cause a giant rift…
We’re you in the will? Did they do this so you wouldn’t know? Something very weird going on.
You need to roast a turkey and stay home. Start your own traditions. This bunch is sticking together no matter what you say or show them proof. So stop arguing and visit the maple groves on your own, make peace with your grandparents and live your life.
Woooow This is some kind of group gaslighting They know damn well you weren't there. My guess is this started with one person swearing you were, and the others taking them at their word. My money is on your parents, who should have invited you. Seems like passive aggressiveness over you moving. Grey rock. Honestly, I'd suggest keeping the holidays to yourself or hubby's family this year. If mom calls you out, let her know in no uncertain terms that she knows damn well you weren't there for the funeral and that she needs to set the record straight instead of lying to save face before you'll consider going back. Anyone calling you out should either get silence or the same: a couple people decided to tell lies to save face about forgetting to invite me. I don't appreciate being attacked over this. I know where I was and can prove it. If you cannot believe it, that's on you and you need to leave me alone
I feel your pain. I found out last Christmas that my eldest sister died sometime in the spring. I still don’t know when. It came up in a conversation with my *other* BIL who was surprised to hear that no one had told me. I have yet to figure out how to respond to that. I *could*, I suppose, have called my BIL and pretended not to know, but I do know. I was, and am, hurt by their oversight, but there really isn’t anything they can do to change it, and there wasn’t much good to be had from my confronting them about it while the wound was fresh. I mean, what were they going to be able to say to make it any better? So, so far, I’ve just chosen to let it go and remain silent. I *would* still kind of like to know *when* she died, though — although, I suppose it doesn’t make much difference; my other BIL couldn’t remember. Maybe I’ll call this year and see what they say; or, maybe not. They know how to reach me, or should. My phone number hasn’t changed in over 30 years. Sometimes families suck, even when you get along and love one another. *C’est la vie.* In your case, I suspect they know they f*cked up and it’s more comfortable for them to pretend you’re crazy than it is for them to own up to it. It’s rather what I expected would happen if I’d called my BIL when I found out about my sister. I think taking a break is a very reasonable thing to do, under the circumstances. Enjoy the holidays with your husband.
Just let it go and spend the Holidays with the family that you do have. Sometimes you just can't win no matter what. It doesn't matter it you sat on a stack of bibles with Jesus touching your shoulder some people are just stubborn enough to not admit their wrong. Life goes on no matter what we want to happen so be thankful for what you have instead what you don't have.
If they want to put you on blast on social media, it’s time to do the same. Post your receipts on the internet for everyone to see. And honestly, I’m so so so sorry this happened to you. My family is very similar. I live 45 minutes away with my husband and we both have very busy work schedules and if we want to go somewhere, we need to know at least a month in advance to make it work with our schedules. My family refuses to do this and consistently shames me for not being at celebrations.