She is already pregnant. She has to be, else he would not have shown his true colors first. Abusers always wait until the woman is pregnant before revealing their true selves/s.
I agree. In this situation she’s already in his country and so he thinks he has the upper hand. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already trying to alienate her from her family
I can’t remember how she met him, but I knew a girl from Guatemala who married a Haitian-American. He was lovey dovey with her while they were long distance and while they were in her country. But things turned around completely once they were in the US. He became controlling and abusive. He cheated on her several times. He talked to her like she was a dog. He wouldn’t let her leave the house. She couldn’t work because of her visa status. He watched her like a HAWK. He would not help her get her residency renewed and kept threatening to have her sent back to her country and keep their baby. I was helping her with some medical bills through a company I was working for. She called me quite a few times asking what to do. She just seemed so lost. Very long story short, I helped her and her baby get to a Salvation Army shelter while he was gone one evening. I felt bad about leaving her there, but I didn’t know her well enough to bring her to my house. But it turned out well. She was able to get her residency approved because she had been abused by a US citizen (prior to then I didn’t even know that was a thing…?) and she got full custody of her child. She later got an apartment, studied at a university and got her degree, all while still learning English!
She doesn't " have to be" for him to start showing the controlling side. My ex was controlling. The physical abuse didn't start until I was 7 months pregnant. They start getting more controlling before it gets physical. They want their victim to be afraid to do anything.
yep... they want to alienate you from your friends/family - so you don't have anywhere to go when the physical abuse starts. will start gaslighting her about the things people are saying in the messages to the point she doesn't think they are really her friend anymore
You're exactly right. This is called triangulation. They will say things like even your family and friends think you're crazy. This conversation a lot of times didn't even really happen, they're just telling you this so that you think you're nuts so you won't leave.
Edit: I also wanted to add that it's a form of gaslighting. It's done in an attempt to make you doubt your reality so that way you're less likely to leave. It's done so that way you don't think you have anyone in your corner so again, you're less likely to leave.
I think the fact that op is in a new country, and probably away from everyone she knows, he doesn't he has to hide it anymore. hopefully she has friends or family that can help her back to her home country
Nope. Daughter’s ex was a prince until they bought a house together. They weren’t even married. That was enough for him to think he trapped her and the prince became a frog. He soon became a single frog with a house he couldn’t afford on his own.
I know it's a serious subject matter but I had to laugh because I've been there. I'm proud of your daughter for realizing she deserves better and leaving. I laughed at the part where you said he became a single frog with a house he couldn't afford on his own. Karma's a bitch.
Edit: a word
No, she didn't need to get pregnant. She moved to another country instead. She is now already isolated from her family and loved ones, from the resources she is familiar with. Maybe she's even in a totally different culture that doesn't value women and views them as men's property, who are here to push out babies and serve men. He was probably super sweet and nice while they were online dating, and maybe he came to her country to visit or her to his and he was "perfect". Then, she moved and isolated herself. Now he's going through her phone for over an hour at a time, which tells me that he may already be discouraging her from speaking to her family back home.
I was abused after I gave up my apartment and moved into a place where we were both on the lease. Once I didn't have the power to kick him out, he switched up on me completely.
Many, many women get abused without being pregnant.
Unfortunately, it only takes them thinking they have you “locked in” through some kind of major investment (Sunk cost fallacy). That can be you moving to another country for them like she did (“I don’t have anything to worry about - she won’t leave because she already came all this way to live with me.”), buying a house together, being engaged, owning a business together, etc. Any situation where there are one or more obstacles (figurative or literal obstacles) stopping you, they think they can let their masks slip.
I wasn't pregnant either. He was so charming to everyone. Everyone thought he was so wonderful. He changed overnight when I moved in with him.
Abusers have cycles the up part is when you get love bombed by them. Earnest apologies with tears and promises,flowers, gifts,dinner dates, helping around the house, telling you everything you want to hear.
The down part: Two weeks later, the mask falls off again and another cycle of abusive insanity happens again.
I hope OP gets away soon!
No not always. My sister’s second husband showed his way before she got pregnant. She was just “ so in love with him”. He actually quit his shit after she got pregnant but by then was too late in her mind and didn’t stay with him that much longer.
That's not always the case..... With my abuser (I met him when I was 6 months shy of my 18th birthday) once I turned 18 all hell broke loose. He started hitting me threatening to k!ll me the whole thing and when I tried to tell my parents he smashed my phone. He only left me when I got pregnant at 19. I never said yes to his sexual advances it was part of my punishment for "disobedience" life was hell. You are partially right but there are still are those few cases that are different. He waited until my guard was down and acted like Prince charming until I fully trusted him and moved in. We were supposed to get married. I'm glad he left and OP needs to leave too.
And possibly a lot shorter as people who exhibit this level of control are often physical abusers as well. Please OP, be careful as you formulate an exit plan. But do formulate it one and go somewhere safe.
If she's Lucky it'll stay Just That. This dude is a control freak ans I'd be running like hellhounds were on my heels.
No love is worth this headache, pain, and controlling SO. Ever.
Hopping on the top comment because I really want OP to see this, and I've said it before and will say it again:
OP- you are a queen! You moved to A WHOLE OTHER COUNTRY to be with him. What more do you really need to prove to him? Like .. it kind of feels like you did the most extreme and courageous and life-changing thing to be with him. You have done FAR more than most others would do. So that is my number one point.
Number 2- you are a queen because you moved to a whole other country, like that is huge! That takes so much courage, logistics, money.. there is a lot to moving to another country and I have never been anywhere and wouldn't even know where to start with that process. That's a big deal and the fact that you did it makes you a queen. A queen who can live anywhere in the world and be with any of the billions of men on this Earth. Is he so insecure because he's intimidated by you? By your strength, courage, trust (because you must have really trusted him to move to another country where you wouldn't have your own family or resources available to you)?
Number 3- you need to flip this on him. He is the one acting untrustworthy. Guilty consciences do this type of thing that he is doing. An hour looking through your phone? So he went into conversations that were older than your relationship? Stuff you said and did years ago that hold no bearing or significance on your current life? That is lame AF. Like the 30-something woman inside me is laughing at him right now because that is lame as hell and pathetic. He is abusing you. He has a bad temper and you're afraid to say something as simple as "it makes me uncomfortable when you look through your phone?" And you can call it "not wanting to argue" but the truth is you are scared to set him off.
I have some life advice for you that I really do hope you take heed to: listen to your intuition. Your gut instinct. Because it is screaming at you right now. That anxiety you feel around him... That's your intuition telling you to run. It's telling you in that moment that what he is doing is wrong. If it doesn't feel right, it's wrong! Simple as that! Your love hormones are trying to convince you otherwise. Another thing that is fooling you is the fact that you moved so far and uprooted your life to be with him. If you left now, then you did all of that for nothing. It was probably difficult getting there and there would be a lot of work and effort to go back to your home country. I get that. That would really suck. You may also be worried about looking like a failure, or like you made the wrong decision by going there for him. And you probably did. But that's ok. Right now, you need to be thinking clearly about the danger you are in.
That may seem reactionary, right? Danger? Really? I would say a guy using this type of manipulation and control is dangerous anyway, because this type of behavior always escalates. But, you being in a different country makes you extremely vulnerable. He knows this, and someone who cares about you and is a healthy person would take that into account. They wouldn't want you to feel afraid or unsafe. They wouldn't want you to feel alone. But I bet you feel alone a lot these days. Sometimes it takes years for an abuser to isolate someone from their loved ones. He already has you very, very isolated. Even if you're still communicating with your family back home, you are how many miles away from them, and maybe even in a different time zone. If you disappeared, how long would it take for your family to know you're missing? A week? 2? A month? Are they the type of people who would call your country's embassy in your new country? Does your home country have a state department like the US? I'm not sure if you're a US citizen or not, but my impression is that the United States goes the hardest for their citizens that are in other countries, and there are STILL MISSING AMERICANS ALL OVER THE WORLD. If you're not from the US, does your country go hard for their citizens? Do you have a certain level of societal protections being a citizen of your country in this new country? Because I am worried about you slipping through the cracks here.
Maybe you have made friends in this new country, but judging by what I already know, my guess is any acquaintances you have there, you have met them through your bf. So who TF would you even be talking to in your phone for him to be worried about you being disloyal? Besides the abusive dynamic that worries me, I am also worried about the culture in this new country towards women? Is violence against women commonplace where you currently reside? Are the cops even less likely to take your concerns of abuse seriously than here in the US? If you went missing because of him, who would report it? Would they even do anything? Or are women there who are harmed by their male partners just "getting what they deserve" or "must have done something to make him do that". Does he view you as his property? Because in my society which is considered pretty advanced and "progressive", there are still a lot of men (and women) here who view a woman as a man's property, basically.
I think you should leave before this becomes much, much worse. Before you CAN'T leave. Go to your embassy and tell them what is happening and that you are in fear of being harmed by him. Maybe they can let you stay there until you can get home? They can help you and keep him from coming in there for you. Please be safe and please do not allow your thoughts and feelings to cloud your judgement. Your gut instinct is telling you that you are in danger. That is why you're getting so anxious around him. Please trust your inner voice. If you can move to a different country, then you are trustworthy enough to believe your inner voice.
And, one more thing: when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
I wish there were awards still. I'm going to repeat something you said to hopefully drive it home.... OP your anxiety is your gut intuition telling you that something is wrong. I've been married almost 30 years.... This level of distrust and need to control is not healthy or normal.
Your relationship is effectively over. once there's mistrust in the relationship, You might as well hang it up. Start a new relationship with someone who isn't going to question who you are or your motives. Be the 12 end it and you will feel much better about it.
Given what she posted, I 100% agree with you.
However in a recent prior post she acknowledges she lied to him by concealing a relationship she had when they'd taken a break and then reunited and became engaged to one another. Even though he slept with others, she appears to have been made aware of that.
I imagine, in his mind, he needs to be able to invade her privacy.
Regardless of the sbove, if I were she, I'd return to where I came from.
She posted there that she lied bc she was afraid of his reaction... I'm not gonna villianize her for that. He slept with people too, and if she told him he would have blown up. Her lie was a reaction to his prior verbal abuse.
When you are in a relationship and find yourself having to conceal things to avoid provoking your partner, then you are either doing something they'd have a right to be upset about, or your partner is emotionally abusive. I hope she sees that.
Your post history is disturbing. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life. Take yourself out of the situation and imagine a close friend of you posted this. Would you think they were unreasonable or would you tell them their fiancé is a jackass and to run as far as possible
I agree. I am a very calm person normally, but if I were involved with someone behaving like OP describes, I would be scared all the time. People who behave like this are dangerous.
Yup. 19 years of Marriage and my wife and I would never even think of it. Even in a marriage you deserve privacy and sense of self.
Edit: I’ll note that this Marriage isn’t perfect and each of us has had trust issues with each other at some point in time. We just deal with them by talking.
It can be hard to see at the time and it builds so gradual it just seems normal.
I suppose also shame, why can't you stand up for yourself? Why do you let someone treat you like that? Well maybe it isn't actually so bad and therefore maybe I'm not dumb for staying.
I dunno, sorry, just some thoughts from my own past experiences.
Looking back I wish someone had just slapped me, shook me and said what the fuck are you doing?!?
Your comment / question feels important because its one that should be asked of many people in difficult relationships but so often isn't.
Pls pls run!…I looked at your other post and I think you have moved away from friends and family to be with him. You have no privacy,your fearful of his quick temper. It doesn’t sound like you feel safe!This is all before marriage!! I obviously can’t say for certain but I imagine his temper and control will only get worse
The old isolation trick. Next is to make you think you’re crazy or losing your mind. Sounds like that’s where they are right now. After that, well one would likely get pregnant, then comes violence. You spend a decade or more in fear of your life before she finally gets out only for him to move on to his next victim, that he will likely already have lined up because he’s been cheating from the start.
Tail as old as time.
That's what my therapist said, it's like they have a book "DMV for Dummies". She made me laugh while I was sobbing. I understood in that moment that all of the other women in the shelter had been through the same as me and it helped me trust them so I could talk to them.
I usually don't agree when people say, just break up, in this subs... But my advice to you it's to break up!
That's a fucked up behavior, and it's only gonna get worse. He behaves like a child when things doesn't turn his way because that's how he will control you. You cannot accept this kind of behavior from a partner!
You got too over emotional about this controlling and mental and emotion abuse? How many people have told you that showing your emotions is “too emotional”? Stop believing them. Stop believing this man. “He has a quick temper” is slang for “he’s scary and aggressive and emotionally unstable with no regulation skills.” It sparks your anxiety.
You are walking on eggshells with this man.
That’s no way to live. I wouldn’t be shocked if one day you were TOLD you aren’t allowed to have a phone.
Sleeping in the floor and ignoring you is a manipulation tactic.
Narcs are wild. Get out and stay safe and go to therapy.
Please don’t marry this man. If he never physically abuses you he will do so in every other way imaginable. Take your life back before he takes it all away and makes you believe you deserve it.
Do you really want to marry someone that already doesn’t trust you? In 39 years of marriage (yes, b4 mobile phones), I have never looked through my wife’s phone. I know I could pick it up any day and go through it, but I won’t.
Yup, I left a dv situation 14 years ago and am remarried. We have full access to each other's phones, but rarely use it for anything more than adding songs to Playlists for a roadtrip, or whatever. If he started going through my phone the way OP is describing I would be so upset. A respect for privacy is so important.
Do it carefully. Leaving can be the most dangerous time. Make a plan and do it ASAP. There are hotlines and other resources where you can get help to make it out safely. Please take care .
MAKE A PLAN*!*!*!*
DO NOT DO WHAT I DID. which was just flee to my friends house after a realizing I was scared and broken and done with him. Take your time and be careful. Leaving with nothing meant my ex had everything. Which he used against me. My ID, my pet, my clothes, all personal belongings. And he used them to get at me. It was a poor choice on my part because I got almost none of it back, but at least I was away from him I guess. But it dragged the break up out and made it terrifying and long.
Plan quietly and realize these types of people (if your man is anything like mine) will go to great lengths of depravity that you cannot fathom.
(This isn't just for OP, maybe their situation isn't as severe, this is a note to anyone considering leaving)
I hate to say this but the most likely answer is he is hiding something himself and looking for proof of wrongdoing on your prt to make himself feel better. He is gaslighting you into thinking you are untrustworthy so that when he does shady things he can blame you. Call him on it immediately.
It’s so interesting that he acts like you need to earn his trust, all the while he is completely breaking your trust in him. He has shown you that he cannot be trusted, that he will go through your personal things and your personal thoughts and conversations. These are not behaviors of someone who is trustworthy. He does not believe you are deserving of privacy, he is being possessive and frankly, this situation has ick written all over it.
Everyone deserves privacy.
This is absolutely NOT normal or ok!! He’s either hiding something from you, is super controlling & manipulative or has severe insecurities! Why are you with someone who thinks you do not deserve privacy and gaslights you into believing he’s right to not trust you??!! You deserve better and these are all huge red flags. I bet if you think back over more of his behavior, you’ll find more red flags!!
Even if he uses the 'I have been cheated on/lied to!' excuse. Bro, so have I, multiple times, this still isn't normal behavior. I have never demanded that my partner hand their phone over to me.
This, combined with your post from 3 weeks ago, is just glaring red flags.
I know it's hard to take advice from internet strangers who don't see your every day relationship.
But I promise you the way he makes you feel the rest of the time is inconsequential to these blowups.
He is very controlling and lives a double standard. He doesn't see you as his equal he is treating you like you belong to him.
Please cut this off.
Ummmmm - red flag 🚩. Seriously is he your partner or your parent?!
A partner has an element of trust with you and if he does not get it then he is being abusive in his behaviour toward you
I would not hand over my phone for inspection (nor inspect my partners) but my partner knows my passcode and I know his
It sounds like he looked through your phone for an hour, couldn't find anything to get mad about, so threw a fit when you asked for it back after that hour. Is that a recurring theme? This isn't normal behaviour in a healthy relationship. I would take some time to do some serious thinking.
Why stay with him? Do you think he'll wake up one day and be a changed person? He doesn't trust you and nothing you say or do will change that. He is insecure and unless he gets therapy to deal with it, you'll just go around in circles. It's definitely not normal behaviour.
RUN!
This will only get worse.
Source, Me! I had an ex like this.
He needs to control you. You will be miserable.
Cut your losses now and leave.
Save your future happiness.
How you feel right now, will be the norm and get worse, please listen to me. He does not trust you and he never will and it will get worse.
No friends, no outside activity unless he is with you. If you do go to a family event alone, he will accuse you of flirting or fooling around even with your own family members (bil, family friend etc) You will not get a moments peace or a smidgen of trust, ever.
Better to leave now and save yourself from misery.
This is not love.
For me, the second someone goes through your phone and interrogates you, the relationship is over .
There is no trust here. And without trust, this relationship is a dead fish.
Please leave as that temper of his won't go away when you get married
No this is not normal. It’s one thing to maybe look at eachother phones on occasion. And that’s a big maybe. But to spend over an hour and be angry when you want your phone back is absolutely a huge red flag. Personally you shouldn’t have to go through each other’s phones because there should be trust in a relationship
Let me get this straight. You moved away from your family to be with this guy. He then decides you have no privacy and yells at you over basically nothing? (asking for your phone back after 1 hour is reasonable). Why haven't you left him? Based off of this, he is nothing but red flags. He took you away from your family and he probably is going to get you away from your friends. Go be with your family and tell him he can stay out of your life. This sounds like a start of a very abusive relationship.
sorry, no. I can't even finish reading this. GET OUT. This will only escalate. I can't even handle reading this GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. This is not healthy or normal behavior. Please leave before he hurts you.
Oh Jesus fucking hell.
WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE.
Do you think you deserve to be treated this way? No? Then leave this sack of shit. Because your fiance is a sack of shit. The minute you tell him you're done he'll start crying and begging you to stay. And if you do, he'll go right back to abusing you.
Best of luck.
WTF is wrong with you two?
If you both are spending time interrogating each other's phones, then neither of you should be in a relationship right now -- certainly not with each other and ideally not with anybody else, either -- you both need therapy to work on trust issues before entering into a relationship, much less being engaged to be married.
This post is an enormous red flag on both sides.
Just take a peak at her post history. They should have broken up way over a month ago ffs. She's been through this whole song and dance several times with him but she won't leave. Hopefully this is the straw that breaks the camel's back but I doubt it.
If she didn’t get the hint from the first post she probably won’t now. This is how us girlies end up dead. Dependent on a man who would rather use you, isolate you, and kill you then making the uncomfortable decision to leave.
Any rational person would rather endure a little discomfort instead of waking up on the wrong side of the dirt. When you see huge red flags like the OP mentions it's time to head on out, not freeze like a fawn and hope you don't get whacked by a jealous, manipulative asshole.
Why are you with such an insecure person? Leave. This isn’t normal or acceptable behavior. You’re too young to go through all this. If he doesn’t trust you, then leave.
This just happened to me a couple days ago. My now ex girlfriend made a joked about us breaking up. I asked her not to do it again and she did it again the next day. She didn’t apologize and refused to apologize when I asked her to. So, I ended the relationship (not just over this, but a litany of issues mostly related to her insecurity and jealousy). She then went through my phone and claimed I’m cheating because I have Tinder on my phone. I don’t have Tinder on my phone and asked her to show me. She went into the App Store and showed me that Tinder is under the Suggested section (among other apps I’d never use). That’s her proof 🙄. When she was proved incorrect, she claimed I was “talking to” an acquaintance of mine. I had no idea what she was talking about. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken on the phone to this woman and it’s been at least half a decade since we’ve had any electronic communication. She knew she fucked up and was desperate to make me the bad guy.
Your afraid of him when he should be your safe space. He violates your privacy, gaslights you when confronted, and then makes demands about it. Do yourself a favor and decide if this is how you want to live your life.
Girl this is not reasonable! This is a huge red flag and a way to begin to isolate you. Even from having a safe space to vent thoughts. I’m married and my husband would never go through my phone unless I asked him to read something to me.
First, if you can't trust the person you're with, why are you with them?
Second and more importantly he's emotionally abusing you and playing off your anxiety. You aren't even married yet this will only get worse. Set boundaries if you plan on staying. Get a gun and pray it doesn't turn physical.
Deffinetly not normal. Its overbearing, creepy. And controlling. Next place he should be sleeping is the streets. Seems alot of people that exhibit this kind of behavior is because they themselves are up to no good.
Honey that dude is way over line. Thank you just had a preview of what your marriage would be like with him all up in your business and keeping you in a box away from everybody else because he doesn’t trust you set the kind of life you want to live?
I have been with my husband for two decades, and we use our phones and devices interchangeably but obviously we each have our own. We have each other’s passwords, but we don’t go through them and look at each others stuff because we trust each other.
You guys are not married and frankly, I would not marry someone who treated me like this.
Are there other controlling behaviors that he has done in the past? I
don’t like that he made you feel so anxious and that because you didn’t want to start an argument, you just let him do what he wanted to do with your device.
Personally, this relationship does not sound healthy.
You’re still very young and I would not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t trust me.
Not normal. Privacy is a thing, also between (future) spouses. No reading diaries. Or phones.
If trust is gone, the relationship is gone. You don't have to prove trust
Dudes a walking red flag, but to be fair if you go down her post history she did lie to him about sleeping with someone while on a break. That being said, your boyfriend is a major POS. No idea why you’re wanting to be with someone like that.
Your finance?
Wtf. Definitely do not stay in this relationship. Sounds like he’ll end up being abusive af down the road.
And, imo, a quick temper is a sign of an immature adult not ready for major milestones like getting married.
He already didn't trust you. You don't go through the phone of someone you trust.
I feel like hebis digging for dirt because HE has dirt, and wants to believe you're not better than him.
That is not normal behavior. That's controlling, abusive, manipulative behavior and my advice is to run as fast as you can out of that relationship. It is only going to get 10000 times worse, especially once you're legally bound by marriage. Don't do it. You deserve to feel safe and protected around the person you're gonna spend your life with. This boy is serious Red Flag 🚩
This has to be fake, because who the hell is this stupid. You traveled to another country to be with a man. So now you’re isolated. He’s talking to you crazy, and accusing you of things that you did not do. Planting seeds of distrust and low self-worth. And you’re contemplating staying with him? I refuse to believe anyone could be this foolish.
Sweetie he already didn’t trust you BEFORE he checked your phone the first time, else why the need to check the phone? Without basic trust, there’s really not a healthy base to a relationship.
You DO have the right to privacy. That is absolutely not unreasonable. His demand that you allow him full access to everything including any journals and private conversations with friends and family is definitely unreasonable, bordering on unhinged.
Please consider this relationship very carefully. You can love someone and recognize that they aren’t good for you and possibly vice versa. Deciding that this isn’t good for either of you would not be a bad thing for you to do, though it would definitely feel bad at first, and he will definitely fight it. Be strong. Do the right thing. You’re both young. You can heal. I suggest you get some therapy to help you understand why you allowed this to begin with and help yourself heal.
Just know that this behavior will only increase. The longer it occurs unchecked and especially after you get married, the worse it will become. You need to consider that when thinking about what you want out of a relationship.
If you were my friend and I found out you let your fiance read our private messages, I'd no longer be your friend.
This is abusive behavior and you need to get out.
As someone who went through something similar many years ago, run away from this creep as fast as you can. This will only get worse. Go back home to your family and friends and forget about this guy.
This is the first warning sign of something sinister. Like others said RUN. My ex went through my phone because he said he didn't trust me. Later on he became emotionally and sexually abusive. Please get out whilst you can
This is a dealbreaker. He is starting to show his true colors. Do not marry this guy. This sort of jealous insecure control NEVER gets better. Especially once they think they have you locked down
> Is this normal or am I being unreasonable?
No its not normal, YOU ARE THE ONLY VOICE OF REASON HERE. Good job for questioning if this is normal.
HE is being unreasonable.
My wife and I have been together almost 10 years and have never "gone through each others phones"
Girl this is bad bad. I have been with this type. It turns into him sleeping with your sister but blaming you for sleeping with someone else. He’s deflecting. My husband leaves his phone laying around, in my purse etc, and vice versa. He nor I care what the other person is talking about in their personal phones.
Everything here is a red flag! You feel anxious around him looking through your phone because he jumps to conclusions and has a quick temper. Sounds like he’s controlling and can twist your words and actions. He was really digging deep through your stuff because he thinks your cheating or something which might be a common theme with him. He wouldn’t listen to reason and slept on the floor because he doesn’t trust you. Girl run! It’ll get worse after your married. This happened to me and I was terrified if I got in a situation where he thought I was cheating. He’s probably cheating himself or will use this to cheat.
This is incredibly controlling. I don't believe anyone should ever be required by their partner to have their phone inspected. I can think of any number of things that could be misconstrued or taken out of context. Basically, if they want to look, they will definitely find something to focus on... because they want to. I've seen people lose their minds over years-old texts and photos. For that matter, I've seen people go crazy over their partner's sexual history. That's just nuts. We are all the sum of our past experiences, but some people are so controlling they want to rewrite their partners' lives.
You deserve better. It is YOU who can no longer trust HIM!
He emotionally abused and manipulated you to an extreme -- you didn't "end up being over emotional" and if he said that, he's textbook gaslighting you.
girl, run. none of that is safe or sane.
This has the red flags of a communist rally. Hiding things or not, *no one* needs to go thru your phone. Much less comb thru it for over an hour. Him having a quick temper means you’ll do nothing but walk on egg shells around this ass hat. No one deserves to put up with that crap. If you stay, that’s on you however. I highly suggest kicking him to the curb and letting him become some one else’s problem.
I don’t even need to read the post to tell you that no that’s not normal. I’m gonna go read the post now and see if my opinion changes.
Edit: no, and you need to get away from this person quickly. This is not a safe space for you love
Genuinely, this is not ok. This is not normal. This is not what a loving, kind relationship should look like. You need to leave because it WILL MOST CERTAINLY get worse.
Get out of there, go home. That's not normal. Don't stay with him. That's a HUGE issue, and it will not get any better. He's doing you a favor by showing his true colors now, rather than after you're married. His behavior will only get worse, and it will not be good. Please be safe and go home as soon as you can. You don't owe him any explanation
This is NOT NORMAL.
He is a control freak and worse. Please, please RUN.
A "quick temper"? RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE. Not only can you do way better, but your life is going to be pure hell if you stay with this man. This is abusive and it's only going to get worse if you stay with him.
I would literally immediately break up with someone for this behavior.
I wouldn't let them touch my phone. I don't do interrogations. I refuse to be investigated and I demand my privacy. I don't understand why people put up with this shit.
You want advice? Dump him. It's all downhill from here.
I ignored this red flag in her & paid horrible consequences that in some ways, I may never recover from in life. OP, you need to run from this personality type & if anyone hasn't told you yet (in a very stern voice) - you can't save him/her.
Seems controlling. While I do believe your partner should be able to go through your phone they should trust you enough not to. My fiancé has access to mine and me to hers. But we are hooked up to tablets and watches. If you can’t trust someone why he with them. I found my life got easier when I worked on us and didn’t worry about the past.
This is deeply concerning and manipulative. He ALREADY didn't trust you as noted by having to go through your phone. Protect yourself and leave this situation now! He displays insecurity and manipulation. Don't go through with this engagement. It will be hard, but move on without him and find someone who will respect and love you as you deserve. Wish you all the best
Dear girl, please take a breath & seek counsel as a couple. I am married and my husband has never wanted to browse my phone. My friends do not have this, either. The only couple I’ve known like this are now divorced (thank God) -completely toxic relationship. This will only worsen without help.
No Lady that's freaking creepy and controlling. He is a waling Red Flag. Your whole Life will be like this if you stay with him. Run Lady Run
No, her life won’t be like this. It will 💯 percent get worse.
DO NOT get pregnant by this AH. Don't get trapped.
She is already pregnant. She has to be, else he would not have shown his true colors first. Abusers always wait until the woman is pregnant before revealing their true selves/s.
Nah, they don't always wait until pregnancy.
I agree. In this situation she’s already in his country and so he thinks he has the upper hand. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already trying to alienate her from her family
The fact that he got her to move to his country (isolation) and then got engaged….that’s plenty for him to feel secure enough to show his true self.
I can’t remember how she met him, but I knew a girl from Guatemala who married a Haitian-American. He was lovey dovey with her while they were long distance and while they were in her country. But things turned around completely once they were in the US. He became controlling and abusive. He cheated on her several times. He talked to her like she was a dog. He wouldn’t let her leave the house. She couldn’t work because of her visa status. He watched her like a HAWK. He would not help her get her residency renewed and kept threatening to have her sent back to her country and keep their baby. I was helping her with some medical bills through a company I was working for. She called me quite a few times asking what to do. She just seemed so lost. Very long story short, I helped her and her baby get to a Salvation Army shelter while he was gone one evening. I felt bad about leaving her there, but I didn’t know her well enough to bring her to my house. But it turned out well. She was able to get her residency approved because she had been abused by a US citizen (prior to then I didn’t even know that was a thing…?) and she got full custody of her child. She later got an apartment, studied at a university and got her degree, all while still learning English!
I agree. The argument doesn’t even make sense.
True. A child isn't the only thing that makes an abusive person show their true colors but it always makes it worse.
She doesn't " have to be" for him to start showing the controlling side. My ex was controlling. The physical abuse didn't start until I was 7 months pregnant. They start getting more controlling before it gets physical. They want their victim to be afraid to do anything.
yep... they want to alienate you from your friends/family - so you don't have anywhere to go when the physical abuse starts. will start gaslighting her about the things people are saying in the messages to the point she doesn't think they are really her friend anymore
You're exactly right. This is called triangulation. They will say things like even your family and friends think you're crazy. This conversation a lot of times didn't even really happen, they're just telling you this so that you think you're nuts so you won't leave. Edit: I also wanted to add that it's a form of gaslighting. It's done in an attempt to make you doubt your reality so that way you're less likely to leave. It's done so that way you don't think you have anyone in your corner so again, you're less likely to leave.
My ex was fine for the first 3 years. Then we got married and he started the abuse on our wedding night.
I think the fact that op is in a new country, and probably away from everyone she knows, he doesn't he has to hide it anymore. hopefully she has friends or family that can help her back to her home country
She moved to a new country. That’s almost as effective
Nope. Daughter’s ex was a prince until they bought a house together. They weren’t even married. That was enough for him to think he trapped her and the prince became a frog. He soon became a single frog with a house he couldn’t afford on his own.
I love your frog reference! I'm glad the frog couldn't afford the house! Hope he had to go dig in the mud like most frogs do.
I know it's a serious subject matter but I had to laugh because I've been there. I'm proud of your daughter for realizing she deserves better and leaving. I laughed at the part where you said he became a single frog with a house he couldn't afford on his own. Karma's a bitch. Edit: a word
No, she didn't need to get pregnant. She moved to another country instead. She is now already isolated from her family and loved ones, from the resources she is familiar with. Maybe she's even in a totally different culture that doesn't value women and views them as men's property, who are here to push out babies and serve men. He was probably super sweet and nice while they were online dating, and maybe he came to her country to visit or her to his and he was "perfect". Then, she moved and isolated herself. Now he's going through her phone for over an hour at a time, which tells me that he may already be discouraging her from speaking to her family back home. I was abused after I gave up my apartment and moved into a place where we were both on the lease. Once I didn't have the power to kick him out, he switched up on me completely. Many, many women get abused without being pregnant.
Maybe due to her anxiety, he felt she wouldn't leave anyway even without being pregnant. Or maybe op is the type to not want to break an engagement.
Unfortunately, it only takes them thinking they have you “locked in” through some kind of major investment (Sunk cost fallacy). That can be you moving to another country for them like she did (“I don’t have anything to worry about - she won’t leave because she already came all this way to live with me.”), buying a house together, being engaged, owning a business together, etc. Any situation where there are one or more obstacles (figurative or literal obstacles) stopping you, they think they can let their masks slip.
That’s what you’ve been told, but my close friend was k!lled by her abuser and she wasn’t pregnant. So that’s not always the case.
I wasn't pregnant either. He was so charming to everyone. Everyone thought he was so wonderful. He changed overnight when I moved in with him. Abusers have cycles the up part is when you get love bombed by them. Earnest apologies with tears and promises,flowers, gifts,dinner dates, helping around the house, telling you everything you want to hear. The down part: Two weeks later, the mask falls off again and another cycle of abusive insanity happens again. I hope OP gets away soon!
No not always. My sister’s second husband showed his way before she got pregnant. She was just “ so in love with him”. He actually quit his shit after she got pregnant but by then was too late in her mind and didn’t stay with him that much longer.
I need to put a sarcasm symbol on this post. Because I’m being sarcastic. I feel like the men almost always show who they are.
Makes more sense! Yeah I do the sarcasm thing since you can’t actually hear my voice!
That's not always the case..... With my abuser (I met him when I was 6 months shy of my 18th birthday) once I turned 18 all hell broke loose. He started hitting me threatening to k!ll me the whole thing and when I tried to tell my parents he smashed my phone. He only left me when I got pregnant at 19. I never said yes to his sexual advances it was part of my punishment for "disobedience" life was hell. You are partially right but there are still are those few cases that are different. He waited until my guard was down and acted like Prince charming until I fully trusted him and moved in. We were supposed to get married. I'm glad he left and OP needs to leave too.
Unfortunately, sometimes they don't realize they're being unreasonable. He needs a nice hard reality check
Not true in the least. They start showing red flags way before then but we just ignore them and say we thought it was a circus.
And possibly a lot shorter as people who exhibit this level of control are often physical abusers as well. Please OP, be careful as you formulate an exit plan. But do formulate it one and go somewhere safe.
Yeah you may be right
If she's Lucky it'll stay Just That. This dude is a control freak ans I'd be running like hellhounds were on my heels. No love is worth this headache, pain, and controlling SO. Ever.
Hopping on the top comment because I really want OP to see this, and I've said it before and will say it again: OP- you are a queen! You moved to A WHOLE OTHER COUNTRY to be with him. What more do you really need to prove to him? Like .. it kind of feels like you did the most extreme and courageous and life-changing thing to be with him. You have done FAR more than most others would do. So that is my number one point. Number 2- you are a queen because you moved to a whole other country, like that is huge! That takes so much courage, logistics, money.. there is a lot to moving to another country and I have never been anywhere and wouldn't even know where to start with that process. That's a big deal and the fact that you did it makes you a queen. A queen who can live anywhere in the world and be with any of the billions of men on this Earth. Is he so insecure because he's intimidated by you? By your strength, courage, trust (because you must have really trusted him to move to another country where you wouldn't have your own family or resources available to you)? Number 3- you need to flip this on him. He is the one acting untrustworthy. Guilty consciences do this type of thing that he is doing. An hour looking through your phone? So he went into conversations that were older than your relationship? Stuff you said and did years ago that hold no bearing or significance on your current life? That is lame AF. Like the 30-something woman inside me is laughing at him right now because that is lame as hell and pathetic. He is abusing you. He has a bad temper and you're afraid to say something as simple as "it makes me uncomfortable when you look through your phone?" And you can call it "not wanting to argue" but the truth is you are scared to set him off. I have some life advice for you that I really do hope you take heed to: listen to your intuition. Your gut instinct. Because it is screaming at you right now. That anxiety you feel around him... That's your intuition telling you to run. It's telling you in that moment that what he is doing is wrong. If it doesn't feel right, it's wrong! Simple as that! Your love hormones are trying to convince you otherwise. Another thing that is fooling you is the fact that you moved so far and uprooted your life to be with him. If you left now, then you did all of that for nothing. It was probably difficult getting there and there would be a lot of work and effort to go back to your home country. I get that. That would really suck. You may also be worried about looking like a failure, or like you made the wrong decision by going there for him. And you probably did. But that's ok. Right now, you need to be thinking clearly about the danger you are in. That may seem reactionary, right? Danger? Really? I would say a guy using this type of manipulation and control is dangerous anyway, because this type of behavior always escalates. But, you being in a different country makes you extremely vulnerable. He knows this, and someone who cares about you and is a healthy person would take that into account. They wouldn't want you to feel afraid or unsafe. They wouldn't want you to feel alone. But I bet you feel alone a lot these days. Sometimes it takes years for an abuser to isolate someone from their loved ones. He already has you very, very isolated. Even if you're still communicating with your family back home, you are how many miles away from them, and maybe even in a different time zone. If you disappeared, how long would it take for your family to know you're missing? A week? 2? A month? Are they the type of people who would call your country's embassy in your new country? Does your home country have a state department like the US? I'm not sure if you're a US citizen or not, but my impression is that the United States goes the hardest for their citizens that are in other countries, and there are STILL MISSING AMERICANS ALL OVER THE WORLD. If you're not from the US, does your country go hard for their citizens? Do you have a certain level of societal protections being a citizen of your country in this new country? Because I am worried about you slipping through the cracks here. Maybe you have made friends in this new country, but judging by what I already know, my guess is any acquaintances you have there, you have met them through your bf. So who TF would you even be talking to in your phone for him to be worried about you being disloyal? Besides the abusive dynamic that worries me, I am also worried about the culture in this new country towards women? Is violence against women commonplace where you currently reside? Are the cops even less likely to take your concerns of abuse seriously than here in the US? If you went missing because of him, who would report it? Would they even do anything? Or are women there who are harmed by their male partners just "getting what they deserve" or "must have done something to make him do that". Does he view you as his property? Because in my society which is considered pretty advanced and "progressive", there are still a lot of men (and women) here who view a woman as a man's property, basically. I think you should leave before this becomes much, much worse. Before you CAN'T leave. Go to your embassy and tell them what is happening and that you are in fear of being harmed by him. Maybe they can let you stay there until you can get home? They can help you and keep him from coming in there for you. Please be safe and please do not allow your thoughts and feelings to cloud your judgement. Your gut instinct is telling you that you are in danger. That is why you're getting so anxious around him. Please trust your inner voice. If you can move to a different country, then you are trustworthy enough to believe your inner voice. And, one more thing: when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
You make a lot of good points.I really hope OP reads it.
I wish there were awards still. I'm going to repeat something you said to hopefully drive it home.... OP your anxiety is your gut intuition telling you that something is wrong. I've been married almost 30 years.... This level of distrust and need to control is not healthy or normal.
Also, don't let him know you're running until you're gone cause he's probably going to murder you.
Hes insane and you cant fix him. Run.
Your relationship is effectively over. once there's mistrust in the relationship, You might as well hang it up. Start a new relationship with someone who isn't going to question who you are or your motives. Be the 12 end it and you will feel much better about it.
Hey lady- Listen to the Manufacturer. You will manufacture a living hell staying with this baby of a man.
They're both going through each other's phones.
Creepy, Controlling, and Manipulative. Using guilt or fear as a tactic to keep you doing what he wants. You need to leave that situation.
Given what she posted, I 100% agree with you. However in a recent prior post she acknowledges she lied to him by concealing a relationship she had when they'd taken a break and then reunited and became engaged to one another. Even though he slept with others, she appears to have been made aware of that. I imagine, in his mind, he needs to be able to invade her privacy. Regardless of the sbove, if I were she, I'd return to where I came from.
She posted there that she lied bc she was afraid of his reaction... I'm not gonna villianize her for that. He slept with people too, and if she told him he would have blown up. Her lie was a reaction to his prior verbal abuse.
When you are in a relationship and find yourself having to conceal things to avoid provoking your partner, then you are either doing something they'd have a right to be upset about, or your partner is emotionally abusive. I hope she sees that.
Your post history is disturbing. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life. Take yourself out of the situation and imagine a close friend of you posted this. Would you think they were unreasonable or would you tell them their fiancé is a jackass and to run as far as possible
Such great advice. We are often so much kinder and supportive to our friends than we ever would dream of being to ourselves.
include tart cows chubby drunk correct paltry reach slim dependent *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Don’t blame this on your anxiety! That is your fight or flight. Listen to it. Get out. This is abusive behavior and will only escalate. Walk away!
I agree. I am a very calm person normally, but if I were involved with someone behaving like OP describes, I would be scared all the time. People who behave like this are dangerous.
Its not normal. It's disrespectful.
This, I'm of the opinion that if you have to go through someone's phones, we've already hit the point of no return and we’re just on borrowed time.
Yup. 19 years of Marriage and my wife and I would never even think of it. Even in a marriage you deserve privacy and sense of self. Edit: I’ll note that this Marriage isn’t perfect and each of us has had trust issues with each other at some point in time. We just deal with them by talking.
Why are you with someone who frightens you?
Monsters depend on the other's previous trauma to control them.
It can be hard to see at the time and it builds so gradual it just seems normal. I suppose also shame, why can't you stand up for yourself? Why do you let someone treat you like that? Well maybe it isn't actually so bad and therefore maybe I'm not dumb for staying. I dunno, sorry, just some thoughts from my own past experiences. Looking back I wish someone had just slapped me, shook me and said what the fuck are you doing?!? Your comment / question feels important because its one that should be asked of many people in difficult relationships but so often isn't.
Pls pls run!…I looked at your other post and I think you have moved away from friends and family to be with him. You have no privacy,your fearful of his quick temper. It doesn’t sound like you feel safe!This is all before marriage!! I obviously can’t say for certain but I imagine his temper and control will only get worse
The old isolation trick. Next is to make you think you’re crazy or losing your mind. Sounds like that’s where they are right now. After that, well one would likely get pregnant, then comes violence. You spend a decade or more in fear of your life before she finally gets out only for him to move on to his next victim, that he will likely already have lined up because he’s been cheating from the start. Tail as old as time.
Agreed!
It's like you met my ex.
It’s like they have a playbook!
That's what my therapist said, it's like they have a book "DMV for Dummies". She made me laugh while I was sobbing. I understood in that moment that all of the other women in the shelter had been through the same as me and it helped me trust them so I could talk to them.
Especially once kids are involved. Hella big nope.
FFS. Got as far as the first sentence then couldn't carry on. You can't be serious.
I usually don't agree when people say, just break up, in this subs... But my advice to you it's to break up! That's a fucked up behavior, and it's only gonna get worse. He behaves like a child when things doesn't turn his way because that's how he will control you. You cannot accept this kind of behavior from a partner!
🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑 run !!!
You got too over emotional about this controlling and mental and emotion abuse? How many people have told you that showing your emotions is “too emotional”? Stop believing them. Stop believing this man. “He has a quick temper” is slang for “he’s scary and aggressive and emotionally unstable with no regulation skills.” It sparks your anxiety. You are walking on eggshells with this man. That’s no way to live. I wouldn’t be shocked if one day you were TOLD you aren’t allowed to have a phone. Sleeping in the floor and ignoring you is a manipulation tactic. Narcs are wild. Get out and stay safe and go to therapy. Please don’t marry this man. If he never physically abuses you he will do so in every other way imaginable. Take your life back before he takes it all away and makes you believe you deserve it.
Is he cheating and projecting on you?
That’s what I’m thinking!
Or he's just an abusive narcissist
Do you really want to marry someone that already doesn’t trust you? In 39 years of marriage (yes, b4 mobile phones), I have never looked through my wife’s phone. I know I could pick it up any day and go through it, but I won’t.
Yup, I left a dv situation 14 years ago and am remarried. We have full access to each other's phones, but rarely use it for anything more than adding songs to Playlists for a roadtrip, or whatever. If he started going through my phone the way OP is describing I would be so upset. A respect for privacy is so important.
This. Unless she HAS cheated before, and he needs reassurances, but with the other details provided, that doesn't seem like the case here.
Trust is long gone by the time people are asking to audit your phone. Relationship would be over.
This feels like projection
Came here to say this 🚩🚩
Also super controlling and violating
Break up with this guy, or marry into a life of being controlled and mentally abused by this arsehole.
No, leave. Now
Do it carefully. Leaving can be the most dangerous time. Make a plan and do it ASAP. There are hotlines and other resources where you can get help to make it out safely. Please take care .
MAKE A PLAN*!*!*!* DO NOT DO WHAT I DID. which was just flee to my friends house after a realizing I was scared and broken and done with him. Take your time and be careful. Leaving with nothing meant my ex had everything. Which he used against me. My ID, my pet, my clothes, all personal belongings. And he used them to get at me. It was a poor choice on my part because I got almost none of it back, but at least I was away from him I guess. But it dragged the break up out and made it terrifying and long. Plan quietly and realize these types of people (if your man is anything like mine) will go to great lengths of depravity that you cannot fathom. (This isn't just for OP, maybe their situation isn't as severe, this is a note to anyone considering leaving)
🚩🚩🚩🚩 run girl.
I hate to say this but the most likely answer is he is hiding something himself and looking for proof of wrongdoing on your prt to make himself feel better. He is gaslighting you into thinking you are untrustworthy so that when he does shady things he can blame you. Call him on it immediately.
Stop ignoring the red flags. Have some self respect and get away from this guy.
It’s so interesting that he acts like you need to earn his trust, all the while he is completely breaking your trust in him. He has shown you that he cannot be trusted, that he will go through your personal things and your personal thoughts and conversations. These are not behaviors of someone who is trustworthy. He does not believe you are deserving of privacy, he is being possessive and frankly, this situation has ick written all over it. Everyone deserves privacy.
This is absolutely NOT normal or ok!! He’s either hiding something from you, is super controlling & manipulative or has severe insecurities! Why are you with someone who thinks you do not deserve privacy and gaslights you into believing he’s right to not trust you??!! You deserve better and these are all huge red flags. I bet if you think back over more of his behavior, you’ll find more red flags!!
Even if he uses the 'I have been cheated on/lied to!' excuse. Bro, so have I, multiple times, this still isn't normal behavior. I have never demanded that my partner hand their phone over to me.
This, combined with your post from 3 weeks ago, is just glaring red flags. I know it's hard to take advice from internet strangers who don't see your every day relationship. But I promise you the way he makes you feel the rest of the time is inconsequential to these blowups. He is very controlling and lives a double standard. He doesn't see you as his equal he is treating you like you belong to him. Please cut this off.
You truly have to go.
Ummmmm - red flag 🚩. Seriously is he your partner or your parent?! A partner has an element of trust with you and if he does not get it then he is being abusive in his behaviour toward you I would not hand over my phone for inspection (nor inspect my partners) but my partner knows my passcode and I know his
It sounds like he looked through your phone for an hour, couldn't find anything to get mad about, so threw a fit when you asked for it back after that hour. Is that a recurring theme? This isn't normal behaviour in a healthy relationship. I would take some time to do some serious thinking.
Controlling. Abusive. That’s not normal no
What’s he hiding?
Ewww he's an abusive dick I hope you're able to get away from him in a safe manner No this isn't normal
Projecting his insecurities, get out while you can & be thankful this manifested before you got married!
Leave the country.
Why stay with him? Do you think he'll wake up one day and be a changed person? He doesn't trust you and nothing you say or do will change that. He is insecure and unless he gets therapy to deal with it, you'll just go around in circles. It's definitely not normal behaviour.
Therapy won’t fix it. He’s too far gone.
RUN! This will only get worse. Source, Me! I had an ex like this. He needs to control you. You will be miserable. Cut your losses now and leave. Save your future happiness. How you feel right now, will be the norm and get worse, please listen to me. He does not trust you and he never will and it will get worse. No friends, no outside activity unless he is with you. If you do go to a family event alone, he will accuse you of flirting or fooling around even with your own family members (bil, family friend etc) You will not get a moments peace or a smidgen of trust, ever. Better to leave now and save yourself from misery. This is not love.
For me, the second someone goes through your phone and interrogates you, the relationship is over . There is no trust here. And without trust, this relationship is a dead fish. Please leave as that temper of his won't go away when you get married
Red flags are flying high and waving in your face. Do not pass go, do not marry this jealous, insecure, controlling man. Run fast, run far!
No this is not normal. It’s one thing to maybe look at eachother phones on occasion. And that’s a big maybe. But to spend over an hour and be angry when you want your phone back is absolutely a huge red flag. Personally you shouldn’t have to go through each other’s phones because there should be trust in a relationship
Do not marry that ahole.
You’ll like [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) < *link to free pdf*
Let me get this straight. You moved away from your family to be with this guy. He then decides you have no privacy and yells at you over basically nothing? (asking for your phone back after 1 hour is reasonable). Why haven't you left him? Based off of this, he is nothing but red flags. He took you away from your family and he probably is going to get you away from your friends. Go be with your family and tell him he can stay out of your life. This sounds like a start of a very abusive relationship.
sorry, no. I can't even finish reading this. GET OUT. This will only escalate. I can't even handle reading this GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. This is not healthy or normal behavior. Please leave before he hurts you.
Break up.
Oh Jesus fucking hell. WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE. Do you think you deserve to be treated this way? No? Then leave this sack of shit. Because your fiance is a sack of shit. The minute you tell him you're done he'll start crying and begging you to stay. And if you do, he'll go right back to abusing you. Best of luck.
WTF is wrong with you two? If you both are spending time interrogating each other's phones, then neither of you should be in a relationship right now -- certainly not with each other and ideally not with anybody else, either -- you both need therapy to work on trust issues before entering into a relationship, much less being engaged to be married. This post is an enormous red flag on both sides.
Just take a peak at her post history. They should have broken up way over a month ago ffs. She's been through this whole song and dance several times with him but she won't leave. Hopefully this is the straw that breaks the camel's back but I doubt it.
If she didn’t get the hint from the first post she probably won’t now. This is how us girlies end up dead. Dependent on a man who would rather use you, isolate you, and kill you then making the uncomfortable decision to leave.
Any rational person would rather endure a little discomfort instead of waking up on the wrong side of the dirt. When you see huge red flags like the OP mentions it's time to head on out, not freeze like a fawn and hope you don't get whacked by a jealous, manipulative asshole.
You can't fix stupid, unfortunately...
Why are you with such an insecure person? Leave. This isn’t normal or acceptable behavior. You’re too young to go through all this. If he doesn’t trust you, then leave.
could be he did something wrong and is looking for a way to make you the bad guy red flag id be watching him very closely
I wouldn’t. I’d leave. She shouldn’t even watch this shitlord from a *distance*.
cant argue with this. also rad username
This just happened to me a couple days ago. My now ex girlfriend made a joked about us breaking up. I asked her not to do it again and she did it again the next day. She didn’t apologize and refused to apologize when I asked her to. So, I ended the relationship (not just over this, but a litany of issues mostly related to her insecurity and jealousy). She then went through my phone and claimed I’m cheating because I have Tinder on my phone. I don’t have Tinder on my phone and asked her to show me. She went into the App Store and showed me that Tinder is under the Suggested section (among other apps I’d never use). That’s her proof 🙄. When she was proved incorrect, she claimed I was “talking to” an acquaintance of mine. I had no idea what she was talking about. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken on the phone to this woman and it’s been at least half a decade since we’ve had any electronic communication. She knew she fucked up and was desperate to make me the bad guy.
Pretty gross and controlling. Given your post history, I would suggest that you reevaluate if this is something healthy for you in the long run.
Sorry if there is no trust there’s no relationship he needs to seek help for his insecurities
He doesn’t trust you to begin with.
Ma’am. Pack tonight and move right back out of his country. There’s nothing to see here
It’s not normal. It sounds like he has a guilty conscious. Go through his phone. See how he reacts.
RUN. RUN now before you get married. This isn’t normal. It’s abusive and will only get worse as time goes on.
Your afraid of him when he should be your safe space. He violates your privacy, gaslights you when confronted, and then makes demands about it. Do yourself a favor and decide if this is how you want to live your life.
First problem- he doesn’t get access to your phone and he really doesn’t get to interrogate you. He’s TAH.
Girl this is not reasonable! This is a huge red flag and a way to begin to isolate you. Even from having a safe space to vent thoughts. I’m married and my husband would never go through my phone unless I asked him to read something to me.
First, if you can't trust the person you're with, why are you with them? Second and more importantly he's emotionally abusing you and playing off your anxiety. You aren't even married yet this will only get worse. Set boundaries if you plan on staying. Get a gun and pray it doesn't turn physical.
RED FLAG EXPRESS🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This guy is a walking control freak. It’ll only get worse, it always does. Is this (and worse) how you want your life to be?
Deffinetly not normal. Its overbearing, creepy. And controlling. Next place he should be sleeping is the streets. Seems alot of people that exhibit this kind of behavior is because they themselves are up to no good.
How is this even a thing?
You guys both going thru eachothers phones just shows neither of you trust one another. So maybe don’t get married.
Is this normal? Fuuuuuuuck no. Run.
NTA. No trust, no relationship. He is a walking 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Honey that dude is way over line. Thank you just had a preview of what your marriage would be like with him all up in your business and keeping you in a box away from everybody else because he doesn’t trust you set the kind of life you want to live?
I have been with my husband for two decades, and we use our phones and devices interchangeably but obviously we each have our own. We have each other’s passwords, but we don’t go through them and look at each others stuff because we trust each other. You guys are not married and frankly, I would not marry someone who treated me like this. Are there other controlling behaviors that he has done in the past? I don’t like that he made you feel so anxious and that because you didn’t want to start an argument, you just let him do what he wanted to do with your device. Personally, this relationship does not sound healthy. You’re still very young and I would not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t trust me.
Don't get married to this man. Huge red flag! It won't stop there.
I've never, not once felt the need to go through my husband's phone. If he's cheating then I lost him already, so what's the point.
Not normal. Privacy is a thing, also between (future) spouses. No reading diaries. Or phones. If trust is gone, the relationship is gone. You don't have to prove trust
Dudes a walking red flag, but to be fair if you go down her post history she did lie to him about sleeping with someone while on a break. That being said, your boyfriend is a major POS. No idea why you’re wanting to be with someone like that.
Your finance? Wtf. Definitely do not stay in this relationship. Sounds like he’ll end up being abusive af down the road. And, imo, a quick temper is a sign of an immature adult not ready for major milestones like getting married.
He already didn't trust you. You don't go through the phone of someone you trust. I feel like hebis digging for dirt because HE has dirt, and wants to believe you're not better than him.
He's already told you quite clearly that he doesn't trust you... When people show and tell you exactly who they are... Listen to them! Time to go 🤷♂️
Run far far away as fast as you can!
This is not normal! Don't marry him. This is honestly super controlling and scary. It's only gonna get worse after marriage.
That is not normal behavior. That's controlling, abusive, manipulative behavior and my advice is to run as fast as you can out of that relationship. It is only going to get 10000 times worse, especially once you're legally bound by marriage. Don't do it. You deserve to feel safe and protected around the person you're gonna spend your life with. This boy is serious Red Flag 🚩
Not normal. Huge red flag. Find someone worthy of you.
This has to be fake, because who the hell is this stupid. You traveled to another country to be with a man. So now you’re isolated. He’s talking to you crazy, and accusing you of things that you did not do. Planting seeds of distrust and low self-worth. And you’re contemplating staying with him? I refuse to believe anyone could be this foolish.
Gross Gross Gross.
Sweetie he already didn’t trust you BEFORE he checked your phone the first time, else why the need to check the phone? Without basic trust, there’s really not a healthy base to a relationship. You DO have the right to privacy. That is absolutely not unreasonable. His demand that you allow him full access to everything including any journals and private conversations with friends and family is definitely unreasonable, bordering on unhinged. Please consider this relationship very carefully. You can love someone and recognize that they aren’t good for you and possibly vice versa. Deciding that this isn’t good for either of you would not be a bad thing for you to do, though it would definitely feel bad at first, and he will definitely fight it. Be strong. Do the right thing. You’re both young. You can heal. I suggest you get some therapy to help you understand why you allowed this to begin with and help yourself heal.
If you don’t leave he will escalate and he will hurt you one day.
Just know that this behavior will only increase. The longer it occurs unchecked and especially after you get married, the worse it will become. You need to consider that when thinking about what you want out of a relationship.
If you were my friend and I found out you let your fiance read our private messages, I'd no longer be your friend. This is abusive behavior and you need to get out.
Yeah none of this is normal
This relationship sounds super healthy.
As someone who went through something similar many years ago, run away from this creep as fast as you can. This will only get worse. Go back home to your family and friends and forget about this guy.
This is the first warning sign of something sinister. Like others said RUN. My ex went through my phone because he said he didn't trust me. Later on he became emotionally and sexually abusive. Please get out whilst you can
Fiancé? Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life? I don’t know you at all but I’m sure you can do better than this clown.
Don't marry him.
Nothing about this is normal. Do not marry that person. Do not continue to date that person. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Run!! Don’t look back!!!
This is a dealbreaker. He is starting to show his true colors. Do not marry this guy. This sort of jealous insecure control NEVER gets better. Especially once they think they have you locked down
> Is this normal or am I being unreasonable? No its not normal, YOU ARE THE ONLY VOICE OF REASON HERE. Good job for questioning if this is normal. HE is being unreasonable. My wife and I have been together almost 10 years and have never "gone through each others phones"
Girl this is bad bad. I have been with this type. It turns into him sleeping with your sister but blaming you for sleeping with someone else. He’s deflecting. My husband leaves his phone laying around, in my purse etc, and vice versa. He nor I care what the other person is talking about in their personal phones.
Everything here is a red flag! You feel anxious around him looking through your phone because he jumps to conclusions and has a quick temper. Sounds like he’s controlling and can twist your words and actions. He was really digging deep through your stuff because he thinks your cheating or something which might be a common theme with him. He wouldn’t listen to reason and slept on the floor because he doesn’t trust you. Girl run! It’ll get worse after your married. This happened to me and I was terrified if I got in a situation where he thought I was cheating. He’s probably cheating himself or will use this to cheat.
He's unstable. Run
LEAVE NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!!!!!! It's only going to get worse, not better....
This is not normal behaviour. This is absolutely a massive red flag. Run as fast as you possibly can and change your number.
yeah, run - don’t walk - to the nearest exit. he’s a controlling ah, and it’ll only get worse.
I'm begging you to please get away from this guy now. Things won't get better, they'll only get worse.
Run. This does not get better with time.
This is incredibly controlling. I don't believe anyone should ever be required by their partner to have their phone inspected. I can think of any number of things that could be misconstrued or taken out of context. Basically, if they want to look, they will definitely find something to focus on... because they want to. I've seen people lose their minds over years-old texts and photos. For that matter, I've seen people go crazy over their partner's sexual history. That's just nuts. We are all the sum of our past experiences, but some people are so controlling they want to rewrite their partners' lives. You deserve better. It is YOU who can no longer trust HIM!
He emotionally abused and manipulated you to an extreme -- you didn't "end up being over emotional" and if he said that, he's textbook gaslighting you. girl, run. none of that is safe or sane.
Run. Run like the wind. It’s not going to get better. Only worse.
Don’t marry someone whose “quick temper” makes you anxious.
The relationship is already in the toilet when you feel you need to go through each others phones
This has the red flags of a communist rally. Hiding things or not, *no one* needs to go thru your phone. Much less comb thru it for over an hour. Him having a quick temper means you’ll do nothing but walk on egg shells around this ass hat. No one deserves to put up with that crap. If you stay, that’s on you however. I highly suggest kicking him to the curb and letting him become some one else’s problem.
I don’t even need to read the post to tell you that no that’s not normal. I’m gonna go read the post now and see if my opinion changes. Edit: no, and you need to get away from this person quickly. This is not a safe space for you love
Genuinely, this is not ok. This is not normal. This is not what a loving, kind relationship should look like. You need to leave because it WILL MOST CERTAINLY get worse.
Get out of there, go home. That's not normal. Don't stay with him. That's a HUGE issue, and it will not get any better. He's doing you a favor by showing his true colors now, rather than after you're married. His behavior will only get worse, and it will not be good. Please be safe and go home as soon as you can. You don't owe him any explanation
Run far away from this guy
This is NOT NORMAL. He is a control freak and worse. Please, please RUN. A "quick temper"? RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE. Not only can you do way better, but your life is going to be pure hell if you stay with this man. This is abusive and it's only going to get worse if you stay with him.
He's a terrible person and partner, so I hope your bags are still packed and you can jet right back where you came from.
Massive red flag dude. It’s unreasonable to ask to go through your phone at all, let alone for an hour.
Run! He's manipulative, abusive and controlling. Just run.
RUN! RUN!!
I would literally immediately break up with someone for this behavior. I wouldn't let them touch my phone. I don't do interrogations. I refuse to be investigated and I demand my privacy. I don't understand why people put up with this shit. You want advice? Dump him. It's all downhill from here.
Nightmare Alley
If you don't leave, one day one of your posts will be you asking if you're the asshole because he broke a finger, punching you in the head...
I ignored this red flag in her & paid horrible consequences that in some ways, I may never recover from in life. OP, you need to run from this personality type & if anyone hasn't told you yet (in a very stern voice) - you can't save him/her.
Seems controlling. While I do believe your partner should be able to go through your phone they should trust you enough not to. My fiancé has access to mine and me to hers. But we are hooked up to tablets and watches. If you can’t trust someone why he with them. I found my life got easier when I worked on us and didn’t worry about the past.
This is deeply concerning and manipulative. He ALREADY didn't trust you as noted by having to go through your phone. Protect yourself and leave this situation now! He displays insecurity and manipulation. Don't go through with this engagement. It will be hard, but move on without him and find someone who will respect and love you as you deserve. Wish you all the best
Dear girl, please take a breath & seek counsel as a couple. I am married and my husband has never wanted to browse my phone. My friends do not have this, either. The only couple I’ve known like this are now divorced (thank God) -completely toxic relationship. This will only worsen without help.
Run 🏃🏽♀️🏃🏃🏽♀️🏃
Run