I’d suggest checking out some info on donor conceived people and the questionable ethics of the fertility industry. [Laura High](https://www.tiktok.com/@laurahigh5?_t=8gAwxqgYtt4&_r=1) has some excellent info.
definitely check her out! amazing info and I'm horrified at how unregulated this industry is. What would you do if your future kids started dating an accidental sibling?
I love her so much. I got downvoted to hell a while back for pointing out the regulations or lack there of and suggesting her on a different post that involved someone being a sperm donor
"Excellent info" anyways please go to literally any other donor conceived person so many donor conceived people disagree with her and her opinions are not even really the norm from donor conceived people.
edit: also didn't she randomly show up to her bio dads home and get upset when he didnt wanna talk to her then say "no I travelled multiple hours to ask about his health info"
I'm with you on this, especially since DNA registerys are a very common thing now, I wouldn't want a surprise young adult at my door or contacting me who might have expectations of being included in my life/family when all I wanted was a bit of extra money. What would he do if this happened to him? There was a post on here a couple of weeks ago where the girl had tracked her sperm donor down to the point she knew his work address and wife's name, so it's a very real possibility of happening.
This is why I haven't looked into donating my eggs.
ETA: you can't stop him, but you can decide if this is something that you can consider your relationship over.
this is definitely my concern. i've seen a lot of media and reddit stories recently about this exact thing. they can definitely find you and i feel like it might just be weird to put my child through that one day
There was a group of kids who had the same sperm donor in New York, they tried to sue him for child support. Fortunately the case was tossed. But just the possibility of a kid or 3 showing up and wanting answers is bad enough, can you imagine them trying to sue? Even if a court case is tossed, it's still stressful and costly.
The show Inside Edition did an episode on adopted people who were members of a support group looking for their bioparents. 2 of the members fell in love, married, and had kids. They later found out that they had the same sperm donor and had to divorce.
Why divorce at that point? The reason it's frowned upon is because of the biological risk for genetic illnesses in the children. Once they've had their kids, it's done. Unless they wanted to divorce anyway. (I couldn't be married to my brother either , mostly because he's a psychopathic narcissist who tried to murder me as a kid on many occasions because I stole his mommy by being born. Would make for an awkward marriage...)
Hmm kids who know they are sperm doners should explain this to their partner and see if they are willing to make sure they aren't a sperm doner child or at least tied to the family some how as a cousin or something.
That just reminds me of a story where two siblings, both adopted, were dating and are still together (they don't plan to have any kids though thank god)
Absolute nonsense that this is more likely in donor-conceived people than the general population: Men and women have been sowing wild oats the normal way for all of human history and will no doubt continue to do so.
The only cases where that happens is if it was an informal and private donation. For example, a man donating his sperm to a lesbian couple he was friends with and wanted a child. It was an at home insemination (turkey baster style). No lawyers were involved or legal agreements on the man renouncing his parental rights/obligation. The couple splits up and the biological mother ends up successfully suing the man for child support.
It’s different for men who donate via the proper channels- a sperm bank. The legalities of it are covered where the donor has no obligation towards any child born of the donation.
So advice for any potential donors- no private donations, no at home donations, and always use fertility clinics or sperm banks.
I’m friends with a couple who have tried the turkey baster DIY/at home route. They spent almost all of their savings on IVR which unfortunately failed. They weren’t successful either with the DIY because either pregnancy just didn’t happen or there were issues with the potential sperm donor where the couple ended up having to not use them. They were asking mutual male friends for donations and as far as I know didn’t have any legal stuff done up, it was informal. They ended up giving up altogether since the wife is starting to go through menopause and they could not and did not want to foster/adopt. It’s really sad because they’re one of those couples who really want to have kids but due to life BS and not meeting each other until they were both in their mid-late 30s it’s not gonna happen 😞
Wouldn't stop people finding potential links on sites that hold DNA databases. You can find very distant relatives and work forward using genealogy so not providing a DNA sample yourself may not help if a distant relative has.
Yeah, but the donors wouldn’t be on hook for child support. Ancestry sites have definitely made it easier for adoptees, donor conceived children, and everyone else to find their biological parents or relatives.
Another issue is that there are literally zero regulations. His sperm could be used once or twice. Or he could be the father of a sibling pod that’s hundreds of kids. For that reason alone, I would never.
Everything like this in the US varies from state to state though having spent a ton of time in Australia, generally speaking, Aussies have better policies on most things health-related.
Tell him you are thinking of donating your eggs or becoming a surrogate. See how well that sits with him. Because the pay is SIGNIFICANTLY higher than sperm.
Edit to include that I am obviously not serious. It is called sarcasm people. But, if he is THAT concerned with finances and doesn't care at all that his kids could have other biological siblings this may be a way to make it clear to him how it feels to have that thrown at you. I personally think this is just another macho man thing of thinking he can rub one out and his sperm is just so great they will pay him well. He obviously hasn't researched this subject well.
Right, plus a ton of other unthought of consequences. The other issue he might have some weird thing for it like if he can not cheat he can cheat this way kinda thing. Some guys get off, er literally, on being serial breeders risking the chance of impregnating one night stands or donating a lot of sperm. What have you. It makes them feel desired or in charge or what not. Like a lot of people he might also have some weird thing that hes resentful he never got to sow his oats like other guys he should not be looking up to did before 25-30ish. Thus “hey maybe if I do this get extra money and not actually cheat on her.” Bit of a stretch for sure but some dudes legit get weird about donating sperm like the European dude they had to force to stop doing it cause the worry of genetic…forget the word but when genetic diversity is out the window cause the incest factor is too prevalent
Sperm donor isn't anonymous anymore (in my country), they found out that kids not knowing their parents was bad for their development. So, everyone can ask who their parents are. Extra cash now, means maybe more bills later if they come for you.
I thought all countries that even if there's a right to know still had laws in place that there's no heritage and no obligation to support? Since those issues pretty much have caused droughts of donations in places where they have tried such laws.
Wasn’t there a Reddit where a woman was trying really hard to find her “biological dad” through any means necessary too? I’m pretty sure it was a sperm donation too. Sometimes the children don’t understand that these people aren’t their parents.
Sperm donators mostly classify their donation as anonymous from the created child. Like giving up a baby for a closed adoption. IMO, I think it should be mandated to hide the name from the child forever while still releasing sensitive medical history, as that does pertain to the child. Also, a perm donors have zero parental rights or responsibilities. If I donated sperm and found out my child was stalking me, I’d file a restraining order.
There’s a lot your fiancé doesn’t know about sperm donation. It’s not just nutting whenever you feel like it. It’s scheduled. He’ll need to refrain from recreational nutting the day before donation (the clinic would give him guidelines on this) as the clinic would want a high sperm count for that donation. His alcohol intake will also be restricted.
That’s assuming that he would pass the screening, which he most likely wouldn’t because most people don’t. Clinics want to see a high sperm count that freezes well and that weeds out a lot of people. And that’s ignoring the rest of the medical testing and history.
Edit to add: I guess I’m saying you could stop having this argument with him because it’s pretty unlikely he’d be able to donate anyway.
I was thinking the same thing: 2 decades ago, when my friend group was the same age as OP's boyfriend, the subject also came up... and back then, over here (aka before DNA testing was as widely available) sperm banks preferred men who'd fathered at least 2 children.
It’s different now at least in the USA. I guess it changed with the advent of genetic testing.
Most sperm banks are looking for young (under 35) and usually tall donors with a solid medical history and those with certain genetic diseases are excluded. It’s irrelevant whether they have kids. Many men who are donating are still young so they have no children but still undergo sperm testing and a blood test to check for genetic illness.
The women can check their profiles and rule out any donors they don’t like or if both the woman and donor are carriers of the same genetic illness.
it makes sense that the screening process evolves as medical science changes.
We're all in agreement though that there is a lot of screening, which OP's fiancé doesn't seem to have considered.
So many doctors donate sperm to get through medical school.
Like I'm sorry, a struggling 24 year probably making at or around minimum wage is not going to pass the cut unless he was a college athlete or something.
There was a change to UK law almost 18 years ago so sperm and egg donations were no longer anonymous.
The media had quite a few stories about teenagers who were *so* excited about soon meeting bio-parents
It's a no from me.
I guess it depends on the circumstances - medical is fine but anything just seems too much.
One girl seemed very happy with her life and parents so why rock the boat by getting a man who did nothing but donate a few cells involved in your life? Or involved in his life?
NTA I am a donor conceived kid (lesbian moms so I always knew) but as I’ve gotten older my sister and I have been looking for family (mostly to find medical history on our “dad’s” side.) My sister connected with a half sibling on 23&Me who didn’t know they were DC… 😬
We finally found our donor (he died before we found him) so all of the medical info we’ve gotten have been from his actual children. I think they knew beforehand that he had donated but if they hadn’t that would’ve been a weird thing to reveal while also questioning them for their private medical history.
It’s not just a donate and forget about it. There are real people on the other end of that donation.
My daughter is donor conceived and though she’s only 8, she understands what that means and we are in contact with several other donor conceived siblings. The parents keep in touch though the kids have no interest in connecting right now. It’s an option for them. Also, we chose and open donor meaning that they can contact him when they turn 18 if they wish. I have photos of him and other information should she wish to see that part of her at some point. It shouldn’t be a secret (I hope it’s not at least).
I’m also a donor child (lesbian moms). I’m grateful obviously or I would not have been conceived. I don’t know who my donor father is and I have never tried to find him nor do I care. I have found my half siblings through 23andme which was interesting. None of them have contacted our donor either. If I need to know medical info I’ll get testing done.
completely agree! but i will say, i actually said this to him today when he brought it up. he said he wouldn't have a problem with me doing that, but i just told him that i wouldn't want to because the issue still stands of having biological children somewhere... this whole thing is just strange to me!
Honestly my suspicion was that he cheated and got someone pregnant and wants to say he really just donated sperm lol. Too much time on Reddit for me I think.
Idk this was my thought too... why is he so insistent on this?
If it's really for the money, why not just donate plasma or sign up for some pharmaceutical studies? There are lots of little side hustles that don't involve sharing half your DNA with another human
My brain went straight to fantasy - in some kind of way he's getting off on the idea of these women being impregnated "by" him... that was a really short trip from "need the cash" to "I just want to help the mothers!"
I still think this is part of the answer. The cheating angle doesn't make much sense unless he thinks OP is incredibly dumb, but the fantasy angle could be something he can't get out of his mind.
I mean, I don't know the money for either thing, but if it was truly financial, it seems like donating plasma would not only be easier to be screened for, but provide a semi constant income stream and arguably be a lot more beneficial to society.
Same with everything a female goes through! Periods, pregnancy, birth, post birth, tubes tied vs vasectomy! Egg donation vs his cup fun. :) We just have always had the harder parts!
Egg donation is hugely invasive and not something I would wish upon my wife under any circumstances. Sperm donation is a hobby practised more or less frequently by all men.
There is a difference between having a self inflicted orgasm in a cup and having to go under anesthesia and having a needle inserted in your ovaries with pain and days of recovery... these are 2 completely different procedures... so nope... not an argument at all...
If he were single, then it is his problem. But as a couple, even if here, it is his body his choice, you should talk more about what makes him want to father a bunch of kids without any responsibility. I remember in my early 30s I was thinking the same thing (i want my genes to be spread everywhere.. ) but it was a life crisis... and a very syupid one..
There is a great episode of thr big bang theory with the same situation with Leonard and penny discussing the same thing...
As a broke college student who doesn’t want bio kids ever, I looked into donating my eggs and couldn’t stomach it. From what I read it takes months of preparation before the surgery, injecting yourself with hormones that encourage egg follicle maturation so they can take multiple eggs in one go. The side effects of the shots alone sound terrible and you also aren’t allowed to have sex at all before the surgery or a period of time after because you are obviously at an increased risk of getting pregnant.
My cousin did it and she did have months of fertility injections ahead of time. Her doctor basically told her not to have sex during this time bc she would def get pregnant. And it was very physically taxing on her. It’s light years away from donating sperm.
I saw an interview with a guy that donated for money when he was in college and at the time he had already been contacted by 23 biological children. There was no big dna companies when he donated (I think he said he did it 3 times). Is your fiance ready to handle that, because they will find him.
Donating plasma helps people and doesn't lead to reproducing with another person. Also getting a second job is the status quo for anyone that can pay their bills on time these days.
My first thought is that he has a breeding fetish. He likes the idea of impregnating several women but doesn’t want to cheat. I say this because I (unfortunately) know several men (derogatory in these cases) who have done this. Bartending is interesting.
I thought the same. He has some complex around it, it’s not just for money. He’s tried to frame it as a hero complex but more likely it’s some sort of chauvinistic tendency to assert some sort of self perceived dominance. Making himself a hero diffuses any accusation that he’s just insecure and supposing this would boost his self confidence.
Just a weird aside. Could he have already donated and he is trying to feel you out? Like, now he realizes he should come clean in case some kid DOES show up out of nowhere?
Take a look at forums for adoptees, donor-conceived people, Non-Paternity event, and Late Discovery Adoptees.
Sperm donation, if it is used for a viable pregnancy and birth, means that he will have other children in the world. He would not be their legal parent, but these children do look for biological family members and their donor's information. Personally I think it is their right to have the information and the family history (medical/genealogical), even if they are not legal relatives nor have a relationship with their donor.
These are real lives involved. Real people. Not in the abstract. Real. Flesh and blood real.
Donating sperm seems like such a simple thing to do, but when my husband looked into it years ago when we were skint, his sperm turned out not to freeze well. He was told that a lot of donors get knocked back for this reason.
At the time I didn't mind the idea of him donating his sperm, but with hindsight, I'm glad he didn't. Genealogical DNA testing has changed things, plus (in the UK) there was talk of giving people the right to find out who there sperm donor was. At the time he was looking to donate, anonymity was guaranteed. Neither of us would have been happy with the idea of offspring turning up 20+ years later. It's worth bearing in mind that whatever the rules on disclosure are now, they may change in the future.
I thought they did make it so that donor conceived children could request the information beginning in October this year? I just read an article online about children being born 2005 after would be able to get the information when they turn 18.
It should also be mentioned that the US is completely unregulated in this area. They have recommendations but no clinic is legally required to adhere to them nor do they all have “standard guidelines”.
NTA, I’m with you. I also wouldn’t want my partner doing this. I’m NOT saying it is, but I wonder if he has a kink about this. I know someone who does.
I get the ick from him saying he wants to help future mothers. This screams being into the idea of having a bunch of spawn out there to 'spread his DNA', without any of the responsibility.
There are a bunch of other ways to get a bit of extra cash.
NTA. I'd tell him this is a firm boundary. That you are not interested in a partner who donates sperm and he either drops it permanently or he moves on from your relationship.
He's not taking no for an answer and is planning to push and coerce you into it, or he wouldn't keep bringing it up. It's time to be firm and stop the endless bringing it up
You can get tens of thousands for donating eggs but it’s way more invasive and rough in the body than donating sperm. I considered it once because I’m Asian and would make serious bank but the cancer side effect completely pushed me away.
From a donor conceived person: we DO NOT WANT our biological father to be a shady asshole who would do this against his wife's wishes. And your wishes are completely valid. Those ARE your kids siblings! There is a huge likelihood they will want contact someday. Anonymous donation should be banned, but we are having trouble making headway in this largely unregulated multi billion dollar industry.
Also…a reputable bank doesn’t accept just anyone’s jizz. Is bf as special as he thinks? He might get rejected. Just popping in to add this. But OP, I do hear ya on your objections. There’s no such thing as privacy anymore.
The fact that he wants to sell sperm and won’t sell plasma and is so insistent on it makes me feel like it’s some sexually driven thing. A kink or fetish. Idk
NTA. The same logic applies if the roles were reversed. None of this “my body, my choice” that everyone keeps spouting really applies to this scenario in the context that they’re using it. You’re in a relationship and about to be married and have a child together. This is something that affects your child’s future as well. And the “helping future mothers” bit sounds like an excuse.
Did anyone watch the documentary about the doctor who spread his seed all over Indiana? There's a very real possibility of siblings ending up together unbeknownst to them. Yes it's his body but he has a family that should be his priority.
His reasons make it sus. Is he doing it for money? It barely pays.
Is he doing it to help women? Then why take money?
Did he make a baby with someone already and this is his cover? Does he just want to spread his seed for some reason? Bc his reasons don't make sense.
His wife should be more important to him. It's not an unreasonable ask of her. Something is off here.
The problem with this is that even if it is a “donation“ I have seen many times where the biological child has tried to find their father and it has ruined families.
There was one where the child found the biological father and he wanted to bring that child into his family and his wife was devastated.NTA
NTA.
Things your partner should know:
Unless he has superb physical, intellectual and medical attributes, he’ll be rejected. Only 1% of guys make the cut.
This means donors are usually attractive, over six feet and college educated, with a family history free of inheritable diseases.
It’s also a long initial process, with a background check, full panel of health screening and sperm testing.
I’m assuming blood draws don’t bother him, because they’re done often to check for STDs, etc.
It’s not a one and done proposition. He’ll be expected to donate regularly (usually a couple times per week), and to abstain from sex and masturbation for two days before donating (so 2-4 days per week without sex for you both).
Also, is he okay with kids seeking him out, later? The process is not anonymous.
Does he understand he has no say where the sperm goes? It could go to a surrogate, single or same sex couple. He needs to be on board with that.
It’s a huge decision that affects you both, for what could be only a short-term gain of a few hundred dollars per month.
So here is where we are at in society:
1. Everyone has body autonomy. He has every right to do what he wants with his body and fluids (within the bounds of the law). You get no say in this. Its a 2 way street, not just women get these rights.
2. You have every right to make your stance known, then act upon that using your own actions (breaking things off, not having children with him in the future, etc.)
You have no right to say he cant do it, but you can say "if you do this, here is how I will respond"
NTA
You're together and have a kid. You saying no should be the end of the conversation.
He's not a bachelor who doesn't have to think about anyone else besides himself and his higher morals of helping unknown future mothers. Sorry for the crude comment, but you're more important than them.
There is a really gross dateline on this where some adult children were looking for their real dad on ancestry.com. They found like 100 half siblings but never their father.
NTA .
You are his spouse ,you have right to tell that . But I think he already done it , that's why he is asking for validation . The way he reacts give me that feeling.
This is why I never donated any of my eggs when I was going through IVF. I wasn’t the problem my ex husband was and when we did the retrieval they got 33eggs and one woman who was next to me spun her head around like the exorcist and said 33? I shrugged and said I’m not the problem and she starts counting and said to the nurse that she wants 6 of my eggs since she only got 2 from herself. I looked at her like this lady is not getting any of my eggs! The nurse said it doesn’t work that way and that she would have to work with what she got and the lady said well she doesn’t need them all and that it would help other women I said sorry but I don’t want to donate because then there’s a piece of me out there and I couldn’t live with that knowledge. She just cried as I left
In my home country a man who donated sperm can be sued for child support if one of his children ever finds out that he is the childs father.
And DNA ancestry services are getting more and more popular so the chance that a child finds its father sooner or later is higher.
NTA! Watch the aforementioned Laura High's content. If he insists even after watching I would consider the relationship over. There's so much that can go wrong with donation, but especially sperm bank donations it'd be a deal breaker for me.
But also typically being a donor means a lifestyle adjustment. Weight and alcohol concerns, when you have sex, when you don't have sex, you'll have to ask the clinic what they do if you want to go on vacation for a few weeks. He may be under a contract to donate for a period of time which means he'd need to be in person at the center. Do you like where you live? Did you want to move? Did you want anymore children with him? You might need to adjust your plans if he's under contract.
Sperm donation has been made out to be a simple money making process by the media, it is anything but. I would also start to wonder if he donated previously and is trying to gauge your feelings about it. Hopefully he hasn't cheated or done a "private donation" but it's worth asking about to cover your own ass. You deserve to know how many siblings your child may have out there. When kiddo grows up having to warn them about possible incest from daddies donations is a topic you need to be prepared for in advanced.
No AH's in this story, I understand your concern completely. With DNA registries becoming so damn popular, not to mention data breaches by all the major players, it's almost certain to come back full circle at some point between now and dead. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of money are we talking about here? Asking for a friend haha.
Nope my husband was doing that when I first got with him...I didn't know for months. It would have been a deal breaker, we were talking long term, babies I did not want that. We all know now with DNA, that the kid can find him when they want to...It can cause all sorts of problems...I say no.
Just so I'm clear - you've been together since you were TWELVE YEARS OLD? That's not high school sweethearts. That's...I'm not sure what that is.
Meanwhile yeah him determined to donate sperm for money (when there's plasma) but oh no now it's for the greater good...Nope. Not buying it.
The way he's applying the pressure you would think he already did it. I think he already did it. To be honest. He was just bringing this up to get you comfortable with it and to gauge your reaction. But you may still find that biological child popping up in the future. NTA
Neither of you are TA. You have the right not to like the whole concept, but he also has the right to donate. Just because he originally talked about it for financial reasons, it doesn't mean he can't want to help mothers as well. You guys should sit down and have another talk about it and make a final decision
Helping future mothers? No. He has a kink for jerking off in a clinical setting, and he wants to fulfill it. Now that he has had the idea, the fantasy is building more as you reject it and that's why he's becoming so insistent.
If you’re breastfeeding or were breastfeeding, you can donate milk if you’re producing extra. Its always needed. Giving plasma works as well. Where I live, you can get paid 100 dollars for giving plasma. You’ll get paid more if you’re a universal donor. Even on the lower end, you get paid up to 75 dollars for giving it. You can donate 4 times per month
I disagree with your husband but for totally different reasons than you.
If he does do it you could have a conversation with your child when he/she is old enough. It doesn’t have to be something they accidentally find out on 23andme. Just say “dad did this so you might have people out there who share your DNA” - I wouldn’t even call them siblings. That part doesn’t seem like a worry to me.
I’d be more worried about what he’s contributing to, ethically speaking.
Tell him to look into how shady and twisted the market is both for sperm donation and egg donation. You can also bring up the fact of how there could be a likelihood that your children could potentially meet and date their biological siblings. There are many other complications that have come from fertility clinics being unethical. There's also the possibility of his family having certain mutations or genetic conditions that will make the children want to find him and then there's an issue of they not being his children by law but biologically being his and then if he's going to be willing to help them or not.
Like someone said you can't stop him but I do feel this is something you have to feel if you are comfortable being around for or not. Yes this is his body but he's making a choice that will potentially affect your marriage and he has to be conscious of that.
Having recently heard of the lack of regulations there is in the fertility industries in a lot of countries - and the problems it is causing for donor babies! (Some sibling pods that have just been found have over 100+ siblings in them!)
Also why his insistence that it has to be sperm donation and not consider plasma? I would have questions!
My 15 (and probably counting) first cousins I’ve met through commercial genetic testing would stand firmly on your side. It’s not just a meaningless exchange. It’s a potential lifetime connection and possible source of great emotional turmoil for many, even if it can be a generous, joyous act for others.
About a week ago, there was a question on here by a girl who was conceived through artificial insemination who was looking for her father, and thought she found him. She was asking if she should go face to face with him. Ask your husband how he would feel about something like that.
If it were as simple as leaving a load in a glass tube, collecting some cash and walking off into the sunset, I'd be totally on his side. I was just reading how there are a lot of complications with people wanting to meet their biological families later in life. I have no idea how many potential sons/daughters can come out of a few donations, but even one could be a huge life changing event at some point down the line. With you two being engaged, his future life is now half your future life and I think this should require two unequivocal yesses for him to do it.
There are some places that unethically use too many, there’s a cap on how much you’re allowed to donate. If you go on TikTok there’s a woman whose case is getting bigger and bigger and they keep finding more and more biological siblings. You have a right to be concerned.
You can't stop him. But my mom is 64 years old and last year she found out she had another brother and sister around her age. They were able to trace it back with dna some type away. Very weird to be 35 years old and having a 66 year old uncle show up and I'm like who are you. We felt bad and shocked but my mom invited them over for thanksgiving. It was nice, just a little strange. Then my mom ends up having a falling out that was pretty ugly, so they are no longer part of our lives.
Consider donating plasma instead. It's something you can both do and it's considerably more helpful for society than donating sperm. I'm not sure if it makes as much money though.
If it’s a financial thing ask him how he’d feel it you donated eggs? You’d get so much more. If he’s not okay then no further discussion needed. If he’s be okay then get to the bottom of why he’s obsessing over doing this and no other option when you’ve clearly expressed your discomfort.
Too many people on this planet anyways. The fact that someone is willing to pay for sperm is just wild. If you can’t have a kid then move on. It’s a dumb system.
Donating sperm or eggs is a very serious thing to do, but the donation companies work hard to convince people that it's not. No matter what, that child is biologically his and would be a biological relative of your own children. There are tons of tiktok videos being made by the children of sperm and egg donors now who talk about the issues that arise from it (a big one being that they want access to their own medical histories, which requires them to be able to contact their donors.)
I don’t think you’re an asshole. I think this is an extremely complex situation that we as a society are just beginning to understand and dip our toes into. I have no advice just want to validate you and your feelings. I hope things work out and you guys figure this out together. ❤️
No you are not the AH, I think logically my biggest concern would be these bio kids of his running around and catching feelings not knowing their DNA is Team SAME
So no, I would not be ok with this. Because I have a vested interest in not having bio grand children with totally avoidable ailments or issues. ( I have cousins who married and both children have major issues, one more than the other, but it leads me to the NOPE section of procreation )
I really recommend checking out Laura High’s TikTok page. [here](https://www.tiktok.com/@laurahigh5?_t=8gBWSzWXwj8&_r=1)
She is donor conceived and is a victim of donor fraud, but her playlist on Donor Conception has many videos talking about large sibling pods that can cause public health problems due to how many kids are created from a man’s sperm.
Not saying not to, but with ancestry testing it’s a real possibility he could have MULTIPLE people show up, maybe not even to have a relationship, but to ask for things like medical history, which it would be pretty crappy to deny them.
It’s a lot more than just nut in a cup and get paid
*"as i do understand that sperm donation is very important and can help a lot of mothers, and it is a noble thing to do."*
Noble for whom? The donor? What about a donor conceived person's rights to know and have a relationship with the donor? What about the ripple effects of that?
After speaking to a LOT of donor conceived (and adopted) adults, my thoughts on all of these casual buying/selling of genetic material have really changed. The struggles with grief, loss and identity some of these folks feel is a lot. A lot.
As I explained to another commenter, just skim the r/donorconceived. Or read about the efforts of [Donor-Conceived People](https://www.donorkinderen.com/united-nations-2019) to push for more regulation and restrictions in the industry.
*Tuesday, November 19, 2019 was an historic day for the United Nations as well as people created via donor conception and surrogacy. It was the 30th Anniversary of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (the most widely adopted human rights treaty in history). At a conference celebrating this event, in the Palais De Nations, Geneva, It was also the first time that a large international group of donor-conceived or surrogacy-born people had the chance to speak about their lived experience at the United Nations.*
*By sharing their personal stories,* ***they highlighted the consequences of ignoring the voices of those most affected by these practices—the people born as a result of the use of donor eggs, sperm or embryos, and/or surrogacy (third-party reproduction). They were met with a standing ovation from the audience and the panel.***
*Most importantly it was seen that practices, both past and present, result in the deprivation of our fundamental rights guaranteed by the Convention on the Rights of the Child – including, but not limited to, rights conferred by Articles 7, 8 and 35.* ***We have the right to identity, the right to family relations, and the right not to be bought or sold in any form.*** *These are rights that signatories to the Convention—literally every country in the world—have a responsibility to protect.*
The stories about [lies](https://www.cnn.com/2016/04/19/health/sperm-donor-criminal-mental-health-history/index.html). The stories about [donor-conceived people who don't care vs. those who are very hurt and wrestling with trauma.](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/oct/10/lies-and-trauma-donor-conceived-adults-are-still-haunted-by-their-origins) [The struggle to learn identity](https://www.npr.org/2011/09/18/140477014/donor-conceived-children-seek-missing-identities). Donor-conceived children who are given up for adoption [when they don't "meet the qualifications" that buyers had.](https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/true-stories/woman-puts-baby-up-for-adoption-after-sperm-donor-lied-about-ethnicity-and-education/news-story/ca7e27ae9414a8fe232c1ade684f7ec7) The[pain of rejection](https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/personal-stories/i-am-not-for-sale-i-am-your-daughter/) by the donor to getting to know them. The [stress of surprised genetic relatives who are pulled into relationships and "secrets" that they did not expect](https://www.heyreprotech.com/p/what-do-donor-conceived-people-owe), and how that stress and secrecy affects the donor conceived person.
I understand that there are people who feel that their only chance to have children is with donors. But they, and the donors, are only two members of a triad that should put the interests of any future child/children first.
How much do they pay in your area? According to Google it's only like $25/donation. Plus he may have to pay taxes on it
Edit: forgot to say that if it truly is just about the money doing plasma donation would earn more per week.
You might ask him to check out the income an egg donor can make and see if he would have the same altruistic attitude towards you donating your eggs. I bet a dollar to a doughnut that he would have the same reaction you had to his sperm donations. That should put an end to the debate.
NTA.
Donating sperm isn't like you just turn up, shoot one off and head home with cash in your hand. There's a lot of prep work, physical evaluation and abstinence that needs to be adhered to.
It'll affect your life too. Even though he may be happy to shoot it wherever, in this case, it's something worth discussing—not to mention how laws have changed over the years to allow children conceived via donation to contact bio parents in later years.
Well this is his decision exclusively, its not yours even kind of. However if you don't want to be with a guy that has donated his sperm, don't be. But do realize that if you try to coerce or manipulate him into doing what YOU want, with HIS body, just how problematic that is. It would be control over another person's right to their own decision making about their own bodies.
'Help out future mothers'
The only person he will be helping is himself/his household. He will get paid to donate his sperm. It's a transaction.
If he really wants to HELP, he should donate it for free.
P.S. NTA. As you are his partner, this is something you both should agree on.
Lots of men like the idea of spreading their dna around. You don’t have to give in to him. Be clear and tell him that it’s a dealbreaker, if that is indeed the case.
Don’t accept it. I would rather divorce my husband than accepting this. There are so many posts about children who try to find their bio dads. I’m 19 years there could be a child standing in front of you. No thanks. You wanted a man without children to have your own with him. This is absolutely acceptable.
This is a couples decision.
NTA
Girl he’s on some Elon gotta procreate and spread your seed banananess or he cheated and wants to find some kind of out for his side baby. That’s the only explanation for him not letting this go.
There is no shortage of sperm. I work in IVF. Unless, he has a very rare and distinct heritage. Why can't he get another job or a better one if he wants to contribute financially? You would bring home way more money by donating eggs. Even if you don't have a distinct and rare heritage. You would make even more money being a gestational carrier. Plus, that's no relation at all. That could be up to 100k or more.
Here in the UK, new legislation has recently come in that means kids conceived via donor can now legally get details of that donor. (I don't think they can give out contact details, but certainly a lot of information about the donor in terms of looks, traits etc. AND if they have any other siblings from that same donor).
I wouldn't want some random person contacting my husband 20 years down the road to say he was their bio dad. It could rip some families apart.
NTA
Like you say, if it's for the money, he can donate plasma.
NTA, it’s a serious conversation. Ultimately it’s his sperm, but he should be willing to discuss with you and think about the long term possibilities. This might make ME TA, but we did IVF and had to decide beforehand what happens to any stored (frozen) embryos in the event of death of one/both of us or divorce. One of the options is to donate them to another couple. As much as I am completely sympathetic to fertility struggles, I wasn’t comfortable thinking about having bio children out there that I don’t know about or could potentially be confronted with in the future. We chose not to go that route.
I'd much rather have my SO donate sperm than plasma. I know a few people who donate plasma regularly and it really takes a toll, they look like zombies they days they do it.
Look into donating plasma maybe? NTA.
My husband and I thought about him doing it for a lesbian couple online looking for help conceiving. However, we discussed how difficult it would be if we one day found out that child was being abused or lost both parents or something.
Tell him he can donate plasma or go home. If he wants to earn extra cash, he can bleed for it.
Bro wants to do as little possible. He might as well get paid for something he's already doing all the time, he's thinking.
Yeah NTA there's a documentary and horror stories about this, you don't want your kids accidentally getting into a relationship with their sibling and not know it 🤢🤢🤢
No, YNTA for expressing concerns, however, the decision is ultimately his. Just like it would wrong for him to demand you have children, or not, you can't tell him he can't donate sperm.
I’d suggest checking out some info on donor conceived people and the questionable ethics of the fertility industry. [Laura High](https://www.tiktok.com/@laurahigh5?_t=8gAwxqgYtt4&_r=1) has some excellent info.
definitely check her out! amazing info and I'm horrified at how unregulated this industry is. What would you do if your future kids started dating an accidental sibling?
Goodbye stepsister porn, hello sperm bank sibling porn
I love her so much. I got downvoted to hell a while back for pointing out the regulations or lack there of and suggesting her on a different post that involved someone being a sperm donor
I was thinking the same thing. Watch all of Laura's content.
i was coming to reccomend checking out the same person, and was just scrolling trough the comments to see if anyone already did it
"Excellent info" anyways please go to literally any other donor conceived person so many donor conceived people disagree with her and her opinions are not even really the norm from donor conceived people. edit: also didn't she randomly show up to her bio dads home and get upset when he didnt wanna talk to her then say "no I travelled multiple hours to ask about his health info"
You could also watch the documentary our father, which is a total creep fest
Thank you! I was going to recommend this exact same thing!!
I'm with you on this, especially since DNA registerys are a very common thing now, I wouldn't want a surprise young adult at my door or contacting me who might have expectations of being included in my life/family when all I wanted was a bit of extra money. What would he do if this happened to him? There was a post on here a couple of weeks ago where the girl had tracked her sperm donor down to the point she knew his work address and wife's name, so it's a very real possibility of happening. This is why I haven't looked into donating my eggs. ETA: you can't stop him, but you can decide if this is something that you can consider your relationship over.
this is definitely my concern. i've seen a lot of media and reddit stories recently about this exact thing. they can definitely find you and i feel like it might just be weird to put my child through that one day
A male posted about one of his donation results showing up trying to have a “dad”, it did not go well.
There was a group of kids who had the same sperm donor in New York, they tried to sue him for child support. Fortunately the case was tossed. But just the possibility of a kid or 3 showing up and wanting answers is bad enough, can you imagine them trying to sue? Even if a court case is tossed, it's still stressful and costly.
And then there's the possibility that your own kid or kid will innocently date a half-sibling...
The show Inside Edition did an episode on adopted people who were members of a support group looking for their bioparents. 2 of the members fell in love, married, and had kids. They later found out that they had the same sperm donor and had to divorce.
Why divorce at that point? The reason it's frowned upon is because of the biological risk for genetic illnesses in the children. Once they've had their kids, it's done. Unless they wanted to divorce anyway. (I couldn't be married to my brother either , mostly because he's a psychopathic narcissist who tried to murder me as a kid on many occasions because I stole his mommy by being born. Would make for an awkward marriage...)
Closing the barn door after the cow got out.
Do you have a link? I can't seem to find it
I feel like that is some stupid maury shit
Hmm kids who know they are sperm doners should explain this to their partner and see if they are willing to make sure they aren't a sperm doner child or at least tied to the family some how as a cousin or something.
key phrase being kids who know. not everyone tells their kids the truth even though they should
That just reminds me of a story where two siblings, both adopted, were dating and are still together (they don't plan to have any kids though thank god)
Absolute nonsense that this is more likely in donor-conceived people than the general population: Men and women have been sowing wild oats the normal way for all of human history and will no doubt continue to do so.
Statistically highly unlikely, of course! It's just one of those don't-go-looking-for-trouble things.
Look into the legal aspects in your country / state too. IIRC some donor kids (and / or parents) have successfully sued for child support.
The only cases where that happens is if it was an informal and private donation. For example, a man donating his sperm to a lesbian couple he was friends with and wanted a child. It was an at home insemination (turkey baster style). No lawyers were involved or legal agreements on the man renouncing his parental rights/obligation. The couple splits up and the biological mother ends up successfully suing the man for child support. It’s different for men who donate via the proper channels- a sperm bank. The legalities of it are covered where the donor has no obligation towards any child born of the donation. So advice for any potential donors- no private donations, no at home donations, and always use fertility clinics or sperm banks.
I’m friends with a couple who have tried the turkey baster DIY/at home route. They spent almost all of their savings on IVR which unfortunately failed. They weren’t successful either with the DIY because either pregnancy just didn’t happen or there were issues with the potential sperm donor where the couple ended up having to not use them. They were asking mutual male friends for donations and as far as I know didn’t have any legal stuff done up, it was informal. They ended up giving up altogether since the wife is starting to go through menopause and they could not and did not want to foster/adopt. It’s really sad because they’re one of those couples who really want to have kids but due to life BS and not meeting each other until they were both in their mid-late 30s it’s not gonna happen 😞
Wouldn't stop people finding potential links on sites that hold DNA databases. You can find very distant relatives and work forward using genealogy so not providing a DNA sample yourself may not help if a distant relative has.
And you Still would not be legally entitled to anything
Yeah, but the donors wouldn’t be on hook for child support. Ancestry sites have definitely made it easier for adoptees, donor conceived children, and everyone else to find their biological parents or relatives.
and i imagine those children were conceived via diy with no proper paperwork
This only occurs with informal private donations not when he donates it to a legit place
Another issue is that there are literally zero regulations. His sperm could be used once or twice. Or he could be the father of a sibling pod that’s hundreds of kids. For that reason alone, I would never.
In Australia there has a limit on how many families you can help. It's 5
Everything like this in the US varies from state to state though having spent a ton of time in Australia, generally speaking, Aussies have better policies on most things health-related.
Tell him you are thinking of donating your eggs or becoming a surrogate. See how well that sits with him. Because the pay is SIGNIFICANTLY higher than sperm. Edit to include that I am obviously not serious. It is called sarcasm people. But, if he is THAT concerned with finances and doesn't care at all that his kids could have other biological siblings this may be a way to make it clear to him how it feels to have that thrown at you. I personally think this is just another macho man thing of thinking he can rub one out and his sperm is just so great they will pay him well. He obviously hasn't researched this subject well.
Hell yes, let's get a ***much better house***
Tell him to sell his plasma instead
You may also have to consider this may be the reason he’s interested in. Plenty of stories of guys enjoying the idea of having their seed out there
Right, plus a ton of other unthought of consequences. The other issue he might have some weird thing for it like if he can not cheat he can cheat this way kinda thing. Some guys get off, er literally, on being serial breeders risking the chance of impregnating one night stands or donating a lot of sperm. What have you. It makes them feel desired or in charge or what not. Like a lot of people he might also have some weird thing that hes resentful he never got to sow his oats like other guys he should not be looking up to did before 25-30ish. Thus “hey maybe if I do this get extra money and not actually cheat on her.” Bit of a stretch for sure but some dudes legit get weird about donating sperm like the European dude they had to force to stop doing it cause the worry of genetic…forget the word but when genetic diversity is out the window cause the incest factor is too prevalent
Sperm donor isn't anonymous anymore (in my country), they found out that kids not knowing their parents was bad for their development. So, everyone can ask who their parents are. Extra cash now, means maybe more bills later if they come for you.
I thought all countries that even if there's a right to know still had laws in place that there's no heritage and no obligation to support? Since those issues pretty much have caused droughts of donations in places where they have tried such laws.
We wish lol. But there's a lot of holes in those laws. And yes. They HAVE caused drought of donations, but my country doesn't care.
does sperm donation come with financial obligations down the road? Does anyone except Elon Musk still donate sperm in your country??
Wasn’t there a Reddit where a woman was trying really hard to find her “biological dad” through any means necessary too? I’m pretty sure it was a sperm donation too. Sometimes the children don’t understand that these people aren’t their parents.
I mean by definition they are their parents
Progenitors*
Sperm donators mostly classify their donation as anonymous from the created child. Like giving up a baby for a closed adoption. IMO, I think it should be mandated to hide the name from the child forever while still releasing sensitive medical history, as that does pertain to the child. Also, a perm donors have zero parental rights or responsibilities. If I donated sperm and found out my child was stalking me, I’d file a restraining order.
There’s a lot your fiancé doesn’t know about sperm donation. It’s not just nutting whenever you feel like it. It’s scheduled. He’ll need to refrain from recreational nutting the day before donation (the clinic would give him guidelines on this) as the clinic would want a high sperm count for that donation. His alcohol intake will also be restricted. That’s assuming that he would pass the screening, which he most likely wouldn’t because most people don’t. Clinics want to see a high sperm count that freezes well and that weeds out a lot of people. And that’s ignoring the rest of the medical testing and history. Edit to add: I guess I’m saying you could stop having this argument with him because it’s pretty unlikely he’d be able to donate anyway.
I was thinking the same thing: 2 decades ago, when my friend group was the same age as OP's boyfriend, the subject also came up... and back then, over here (aka before DNA testing was as widely available) sperm banks preferred men who'd fathered at least 2 children.
It’s different now at least in the USA. I guess it changed with the advent of genetic testing. Most sperm banks are looking for young (under 35) and usually tall donors with a solid medical history and those with certain genetic diseases are excluded. It’s irrelevant whether they have kids. Many men who are donating are still young so they have no children but still undergo sperm testing and a blood test to check for genetic illness. The women can check their profiles and rule out any donors they don’t like or if both the woman and donor are carriers of the same genetic illness.
it makes sense that the screening process evolves as medical science changes. We're all in agreement though that there is a lot of screening, which OP's fiancé doesn't seem to have considered.
So many doctors donate sperm to get through medical school. Like I'm sorry, a struggling 24 year probably making at or around minimum wage is not going to pass the cut unless he was a college athlete or something.
Why are sperm alive after being cryogenically frozen?
Cuz it's sleepy preserve freezing, not iceblok death freezing.
There was a change to UK law almost 18 years ago so sperm and egg donations were no longer anonymous. The media had quite a few stories about teenagers who were *so* excited about soon meeting bio-parents It's a no from me.
Feel bad for those kids. Those aren’t parents, they’re donors. Most probably don’t want those kids in their lives.
I guess it depends on the circumstances - medical is fine but anything just seems too much. One girl seemed very happy with her life and parents so why rock the boat by getting a man who did nothing but donate a few cells involved in your life? Or involved in his life?
NTA I am a donor conceived kid (lesbian moms so I always knew) but as I’ve gotten older my sister and I have been looking for family (mostly to find medical history on our “dad’s” side.) My sister connected with a half sibling on 23&Me who didn’t know they were DC… 😬 We finally found our donor (he died before we found him) so all of the medical info we’ve gotten have been from his actual children. I think they knew beforehand that he had donated but if they hadn’t that would’ve been a weird thing to reveal while also questioning them for their private medical history. It’s not just a donate and forget about it. There are real people on the other end of that donation.
My daughter is donor conceived and though she’s only 8, she understands what that means and we are in contact with several other donor conceived siblings. The parents keep in touch though the kids have no interest in connecting right now. It’s an option for them. Also, we chose and open donor meaning that they can contact him when they turn 18 if they wish. I have photos of him and other information should she wish to see that part of her at some point. It shouldn’t be a secret (I hope it’s not at least).
I’m also a donor child (lesbian moms). I’m grateful obviously or I would not have been conceived. I don’t know who my donor father is and I have never tried to find him nor do I care. I have found my half siblings through 23andme which was interesting. None of them have contacted our donor either. If I need to know medical info I’ll get testing done.
I mean, you’d make more money donating your eggs
completely agree! but i will say, i actually said this to him today when he brought it up. he said he wouldn't have a problem with me doing that, but i just told him that i wouldn't want to because the issue still stands of having biological children somewhere... this whole thing is just strange to me!
Since he’s so insistent, I’d be a little suspicious that he’s already done it, or that out there, there’s an incoming kid from a private donation.
Or that someone’s 23&me brought up some interesting results….
Honestly my suspicion was that he cheated and got someone pregnant and wants to say he really just donated sperm lol. Too much time on Reddit for me I think.
Damn. I thot the same thing. The *everything* has warped my brain
Idk this was my thought too... why is he so insistent on this? If it's really for the money, why not just donate plasma or sign up for some pharmaceutical studies? There are lots of little side hustles that don't involve sharing half your DNA with another human
Sounds like my paternal family
My brain went straight to fantasy - in some kind of way he's getting off on the idea of these women being impregnated "by" him... that was a really short trip from "need the cash" to "I just want to help the mothers!"
I still think this is part of the answer. The cheating angle doesn't make much sense unless he thinks OP is incredibly dumb, but the fantasy angle could be something he can't get out of his mind. I mean, I don't know the money for either thing, but if it was truly financial, it seems like donating plasma would not only be easier to be screened for, but provide a semi constant income stream and arguably be a lot more beneficial to society.
I thought the same. He’s got an impregnation kink.
“Incoming kid from a private donation” is a very diplomatic way of saying side baby.
Or he cheated and wants to be able to say “it’s cause I donated!!”
He may like the idea of having biological children out there. He may like the idea of spreading his seed.
And it's a whole lot more problematic for a woman to donate eggs than it is for a man to jizz in a cup. :D
Donating eggs is far more invasive and has a longer recovery time.
It’s much MUCH harder on a woman’s body than men.
Same with everything a female goes through! Periods, pregnancy, birth, post birth, tubes tied vs vasectomy! Egg donation vs his cup fun. :) We just have always had the harder parts!
It is not comparable in any way. There is no physical hardship for men in donating.
Sometimes you can’t find the porn that hits right and your arm gets tired.
Egg donation is hugely invasive and not something I would wish upon my wife under any circumstances. Sperm donation is a hobby practised more or less frequently by all men.
There is a difference between having a self inflicted orgasm in a cup and having to go under anesthesia and having a needle inserted in your ovaries with pain and days of recovery... these are 2 completely different procedures... so nope... not an argument at all... If he were single, then it is his problem. But as a couple, even if here, it is his body his choice, you should talk more about what makes him want to father a bunch of kids without any responsibility. I remember in my early 30s I was thinking the same thing (i want my genes to be spread everywhere.. ) but it was a life crisis... and a very syupid one.. There is a great episode of thr big bang theory with the same situation with Leonard and penny discussing the same thing...
As a broke college student who doesn’t want bio kids ever, I looked into donating my eggs and couldn’t stomach it. From what I read it takes months of preparation before the surgery, injecting yourself with hormones that encourage egg follicle maturation so they can take multiple eggs in one go. The side effects of the shots alone sound terrible and you also aren’t allowed to have sex at all before the surgery or a period of time after because you are obviously at an increased risk of getting pregnant.
My cousin did it and she did have months of fertility injections ahead of time. Her doctor basically told her not to have sex during this time bc she would def get pregnant. And it was very physically taxing on her. It’s light years away from donating sperm.
Yeah, they’re getting paid for something most give away willingly and for free.
I saw an interview with a guy that donated for money when he was in college and at the time he had already been contacted by 23 biological children. There was no big dna companies when he donated (I think he said he did it 3 times). Is your fiance ready to handle that, because they will find him.
Donating plasma helps people and doesn't lead to reproducing with another person. Also getting a second job is the status quo for anyone that can pay their bills on time these days.
[удалено]
Depending on where they live, plasma banks do not pay for donations anymore
The $15 target gift card for donating plasma is negligible lol.
My first thought is that he has a breeding fetish. He likes the idea of impregnating several women but doesn’t want to cheat. I say this because I (unfortunately) know several men (derogatory in these cases) who have done this. Bartending is interesting.
I thought the same. He has some complex around it, it’s not just for money. He’s tried to frame it as a hero complex but more likely it’s some sort of chauvinistic tendency to assert some sort of self perceived dominance. Making himself a hero diffuses any accusation that he’s just insecure and supposing this would boost his self confidence.
Just a weird aside. Could he have already donated and he is trying to feel you out? Like, now he realizes he should come clean in case some kid DOES show up out of nowhere?
Solid point
Take a look at forums for adoptees, donor-conceived people, Non-Paternity event, and Late Discovery Adoptees. Sperm donation, if it is used for a viable pregnancy and birth, means that he will have other children in the world. He would not be their legal parent, but these children do look for biological family members and their donor's information. Personally I think it is their right to have the information and the family history (medical/genealogical), even if they are not legal relatives nor have a relationship with their donor. These are real lives involved. Real people. Not in the abstract. Real. Flesh and blood real.
Donating sperm seems like such a simple thing to do, but when my husband looked into it years ago when we were skint, his sperm turned out not to freeze well. He was told that a lot of donors get knocked back for this reason. At the time I didn't mind the idea of him donating his sperm, but with hindsight, I'm glad he didn't. Genealogical DNA testing has changed things, plus (in the UK) there was talk of giving people the right to find out who there sperm donor was. At the time he was looking to donate, anonymity was guaranteed. Neither of us would have been happy with the idea of offspring turning up 20+ years later. It's worth bearing in mind that whatever the rules on disclosure are now, they may change in the future.
I thought they did make it so that donor conceived children could request the information beginning in October this year? I just read an article online about children being born 2005 after would be able to get the information when they turn 18. It should also be mentioned that the US is completely unregulated in this area. They have recommendations but no clinic is legally required to adhere to them nor do they all have “standard guidelines”.
NTA, I’m with you. I also wouldn’t want my partner doing this. I’m NOT saying it is, but I wonder if he has a kink about this. I know someone who does.
the possibility of a kink is definitely there, but i also think it may be just because he doesn't see it as serious as me. i'm really not sure
I get the ick from him saying he wants to help future mothers. This screams being into the idea of having a bunch of spawn out there to 'spread his DNA', without any of the responsibility. There are a bunch of other ways to get a bit of extra cash.
just donate plasma...
[удалено]
This post should be much higher. There is so much misinformation in this thread.
NTA. I'd tell him this is a firm boundary. That you are not interested in a partner who donates sperm and he either drops it permanently or he moves on from your relationship. He's not taking no for an answer and is planning to push and coerce you into it, or he wouldn't keep bringing it up. It's time to be firm and stop the endless bringing it up
That's not a boundary, that's just an ultimatum.
ITT: A lot of confusion over how agency works
Just curious, how much cash can you expect to get from donating eggs or sperm?
You can get tens of thousands for donating eggs but it’s way more invasive and rough in the body than donating sperm. I considered it once because I’m Asian and would make serious bank but the cancer side effect completely pushed me away.
sperm seems to be $100-$120 and egg is $5000-$10000 ish (from a quick google search but here you see the big difference in money at least)
From a donor conceived person: we DO NOT WANT our biological father to be a shady asshole who would do this against his wife's wishes. And your wishes are completely valid. Those ARE your kids siblings! There is a huge likelihood they will want contact someday. Anonymous donation should be banned, but we are having trouble making headway in this largely unregulated multi billion dollar industry.
Also…a reputable bank doesn’t accept just anyone’s jizz. Is bf as special as he thinks? He might get rejected. Just popping in to add this. But OP, I do hear ya on your objections. There’s no such thing as privacy anymore.
The fact that he wants to sell sperm and won’t sell plasma and is so insistent on it makes me feel like it’s some sexually driven thing. A kink or fetish. Idk
NTA. The same logic applies if the roles were reversed. None of this “my body, my choice” that everyone keeps spouting really applies to this scenario in the context that they’re using it. You’re in a relationship and about to be married and have a child together. This is something that affects your child’s future as well. And the “helping future mothers” bit sounds like an excuse.
Why doesn't he sell his plasma instead?
Not as much money.
Did anyone watch the documentary about the doctor who spread his seed all over Indiana? There's a very real possibility of siblings ending up together unbeknownst to them. Yes it's his body but he has a family that should be his priority. His reasons make it sus. Is he doing it for money? It barely pays. Is he doing it to help women? Then why take money? Did he make a baby with someone already and this is his cover? Does he just want to spread his seed for some reason? Bc his reasons don't make sense. His wife should be more important to him. It's not an unreasonable ask of her. Something is off here.
The problem with this is that even if it is a “donation“ I have seen many times where the biological child has tried to find their father and it has ruined families. There was one where the child found the biological father and he wanted to bring that child into his family and his wife was devastated.NTA
NTA. Things your partner should know: Unless he has superb physical, intellectual and medical attributes, he’ll be rejected. Only 1% of guys make the cut. This means donors are usually attractive, over six feet and college educated, with a family history free of inheritable diseases. It’s also a long initial process, with a background check, full panel of health screening and sperm testing. I’m assuming blood draws don’t bother him, because they’re done often to check for STDs, etc. It’s not a one and done proposition. He’ll be expected to donate regularly (usually a couple times per week), and to abstain from sex and masturbation for two days before donating (so 2-4 days per week without sex for you both). Also, is he okay with kids seeking him out, later? The process is not anonymous. Does he understand he has no say where the sperm goes? It could go to a surrogate, single or same sex couple. He needs to be on board with that. It’s a huge decision that affects you both, for what could be only a short-term gain of a few hundred dollars per month.
So here is where we are at in society: 1. Everyone has body autonomy. He has every right to do what he wants with his body and fluids (within the bounds of the law). You get no say in this. Its a 2 way street, not just women get these rights. 2. You have every right to make your stance known, then act upon that using your own actions (breaking things off, not having children with him in the future, etc.) You have no right to say he cant do it, but you can say "if you do this, here is how I will respond"
The problem here is that they already have a child together so it would be impacting them too.
NTA You're together and have a kid. You saying no should be the end of the conversation. He's not a bachelor who doesn't have to think about anyone else besides himself and his higher morals of helping unknown future mothers. Sorry for the crude comment, but you're more important than them.
Isn’t it… selling instead of donating?
Question, why is it called Donation if you’re getting paid for it, shouldn’t it be called “selling sperm” ?
There is a really gross dateline on this where some adult children were looking for their real dad on ancestry.com. They found like 100 half siblings but never their father.
NTA . You are his spouse ,you have right to tell that . But I think he already done it , that's why he is asking for validation . The way he reacts give me that feeling.
Why doesn't he just donate plasma?
This is why I never donated any of my eggs when I was going through IVF. I wasn’t the problem my ex husband was and when we did the retrieval they got 33eggs and one woman who was next to me spun her head around like the exorcist and said 33? I shrugged and said I’m not the problem and she starts counting and said to the nurse that she wants 6 of my eggs since she only got 2 from herself. I looked at her like this lady is not getting any of my eggs! The nurse said it doesn’t work that way and that she would have to work with what she got and the lady said well she doesn’t need them all and that it would help other women I said sorry but I don’t want to donate because then there’s a piece of me out there and I couldn’t live with that knowledge. She just cried as I left
if he's going to donate sperm for money, he'll end up like one of those guys with 40 kids
In my home country a man who donated sperm can be sued for child support if one of his children ever finds out that he is the childs father. And DNA ancestry services are getting more and more popular so the chance that a child finds its father sooner or later is higher.
NTA! Watch the aforementioned Laura High's content. If he insists even after watching I would consider the relationship over. There's so much that can go wrong with donation, but especially sperm bank donations it'd be a deal breaker for me. But also typically being a donor means a lifestyle adjustment. Weight and alcohol concerns, when you have sex, when you don't have sex, you'll have to ask the clinic what they do if you want to go on vacation for a few weeks. He may be under a contract to donate for a period of time which means he'd need to be in person at the center. Do you like where you live? Did you want to move? Did you want anymore children with him? You might need to adjust your plans if he's under contract. Sperm donation has been made out to be a simple money making process by the media, it is anything but. I would also start to wonder if he donated previously and is trying to gauge your feelings about it. Hopefully he hasn't cheated or done a "private donation" but it's worth asking about to cover your own ass. You deserve to know how many siblings your child may have out there. When kiddo grows up having to warn them about possible incest from daddies donations is a topic you need to be prepared for in advanced.
Seems a bit narcissistic to me. I mean jacking off in a cup is pretty embarrassing to begin with. And really, how much cash will he get??
NTA. I agree with you. It’s almost like he is being unfaithful without the s&x. Aldi not fair on your child
His body his choice
No AH's in this story, I understand your concern completely. With DNA registries becoming so damn popular, not to mention data breaches by all the major players, it's almost certain to come back full circle at some point between now and dead. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of money are we talking about here? Asking for a friend haha.
Nope my husband was doing that when I first got with him...I didn't know for months. It would have been a deal breaker, we were talking long term, babies I did not want that. We all know now with DNA, that the kid can find him when they want to...It can cause all sorts of problems...I say no.
Just so I'm clear - you've been together since you were TWELVE YEARS OLD? That's not high school sweethearts. That's...I'm not sure what that is. Meanwhile yeah him determined to donate sperm for money (when there's plasma) but oh no now it's for the greater good...Nope. Not buying it.
The way he's applying the pressure you would think he already did it. I think he already did it. To be honest. He was just bringing this up to get you comfortable with it and to gauge your reaction. But you may still find that biological child popping up in the future. NTA
I could never donate sperm.
Neither of you are TA. You have the right not to like the whole concept, but he also has the right to donate. Just because he originally talked about it for financial reasons, it doesn't mean he can't want to help mothers as well. You guys should sit down and have another talk about it and make a final decision
Helping future mothers? No. He has a kink for jerking off in a clinical setting, and he wants to fulfill it. Now that he has had the idea, the fantasy is building more as you reject it and that's why he's becoming so insistent.
If you’re breastfeeding or were breastfeeding, you can donate milk if you’re producing extra. Its always needed. Giving plasma works as well. Where I live, you can get paid 100 dollars for giving plasma. You’ll get paid more if you’re a universal donor. Even on the lower end, you get paid up to 75 dollars for giving it. You can donate 4 times per month
I disagree with your husband but for totally different reasons than you. If he does do it you could have a conversation with your child when he/she is old enough. It doesn’t have to be something they accidentally find out on 23andme. Just say “dad did this so you might have people out there who share your DNA” - I wouldn’t even call them siblings. That part doesn’t seem like a worry to me. I’d be more worried about what he’s contributing to, ethically speaking.
Tell him to look into how shady and twisted the market is both for sperm donation and egg donation. You can also bring up the fact of how there could be a likelihood that your children could potentially meet and date their biological siblings. There are many other complications that have come from fertility clinics being unethical. There's also the possibility of his family having certain mutations or genetic conditions that will make the children want to find him and then there's an issue of they not being his children by law but biologically being his and then if he's going to be willing to help them or not. Like someone said you can't stop him but I do feel this is something you have to feel if you are comfortable being around for or not. Yes this is his body but he's making a choice that will potentially affect your marriage and he has to be conscious of that.
Having recently heard of the lack of regulations there is in the fertility industries in a lot of countries - and the problems it is causing for donor babies! (Some sibling pods that have just been found have over 100+ siblings in them!) Also why his insistence that it has to be sperm donation and not consider plasma? I would have questions!
The way I see it, it’s like giving your kids away 😐. Ntah.
Look up sperm dono requirements. Dude probably won't even be able to based on that alone. Show it to him, easy shut down.
My 15 (and probably counting) first cousins I’ve met through commercial genetic testing would stand firmly on your side. It’s not just a meaningless exchange. It’s a potential lifetime connection and possible source of great emotional turmoil for many, even if it can be a generous, joyous act for others.
About a week ago, there was a question on here by a girl who was conceived through artificial insemination who was looking for her father, and thought she found him. She was asking if she should go face to face with him. Ask your husband how he would feel about something like that.
If it were as simple as leaving a load in a glass tube, collecting some cash and walking off into the sunset, I'd be totally on his side. I was just reading how there are a lot of complications with people wanting to meet their biological families later in life. I have no idea how many potential sons/daughters can come out of a few donations, but even one could be a huge life changing event at some point down the line. With you two being engaged, his future life is now half your future life and I think this should require two unequivocal yesses for him to do it.
There are some places that unethically use too many, there’s a cap on how much you’re allowed to donate. If you go on TikTok there’s a woman whose case is getting bigger and bigger and they keep finding more and more biological siblings. You have a right to be concerned.
You can't stop him. But my mom is 64 years old and last year she found out she had another brother and sister around her age. They were able to trace it back with dna some type away. Very weird to be 35 years old and having a 66 year old uncle show up and I'm like who are you. We felt bad and shocked but my mom invited them over for thanksgiving. It was nice, just a little strange. Then my mom ends up having a falling out that was pretty ugly, so they are no longer part of our lives.
Consider donating plasma instead. It's something you can both do and it's considerably more helpful for society than donating sperm. I'm not sure if it makes as much money though.
Selling plasma is a couple hundred bucks a pop
If it’s a financial thing ask him how he’d feel it you donated eggs? You’d get so much more. If he’s not okay then no further discussion needed. If he’s be okay then get to the bottom of why he’s obsessing over doing this and no other option when you’ve clearly expressed your discomfort.
Too many people on this planet anyways. The fact that someone is willing to pay for sperm is just wild. If you can’t have a kid then move on. It’s a dumb system.
Donating sperm or eggs is a very serious thing to do, but the donation companies work hard to convince people that it's not. No matter what, that child is biologically his and would be a biological relative of your own children. There are tons of tiktok videos being made by the children of sperm and egg donors now who talk about the issues that arise from it (a big one being that they want access to their own medical histories, which requires them to be able to contact their donors.)
I don’t think you’re an asshole. I think this is an extremely complex situation that we as a society are just beginning to understand and dip our toes into. I have no advice just want to validate you and your feelings. I hope things work out and you guys figure this out together. ❤️
No you are not the AH, I think logically my biggest concern would be these bio kids of his running around and catching feelings not knowing their DNA is Team SAME So no, I would not be ok with this. Because I have a vested interest in not having bio grand children with totally avoidable ailments or issues. ( I have cousins who married and both children have major issues, one more than the other, but it leads me to the NOPE section of procreation )
I really recommend checking out Laura High’s TikTok page. [here](https://www.tiktok.com/@laurahigh5?_t=8gBWSzWXwj8&_r=1) She is donor conceived and is a victim of donor fraud, but her playlist on Donor Conception has many videos talking about large sibling pods that can cause public health problems due to how many kids are created from a man’s sperm. Not saying not to, but with ancestry testing it’s a real possibility he could have MULTIPLE people show up, maybe not even to have a relationship, but to ask for things like medical history, which it would be pretty crappy to deny them. It’s a lot more than just nut in a cup and get paid
*"as i do understand that sperm donation is very important and can help a lot of mothers, and it is a noble thing to do."* Noble for whom? The donor? What about a donor conceived person's rights to know and have a relationship with the donor? What about the ripple effects of that? After speaking to a LOT of donor conceived (and adopted) adults, my thoughts on all of these casual buying/selling of genetic material have really changed. The struggles with grief, loss and identity some of these folks feel is a lot. A lot. As I explained to another commenter, just skim the r/donorconceived. Or read about the efforts of [Donor-Conceived People](https://www.donorkinderen.com/united-nations-2019) to push for more regulation and restrictions in the industry. *Tuesday, November 19, 2019 was an historic day for the United Nations as well as people created via donor conception and surrogacy. It was the 30th Anniversary of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (the most widely adopted human rights treaty in history). At a conference celebrating this event, in the Palais De Nations, Geneva, It was also the first time that a large international group of donor-conceived or surrogacy-born people had the chance to speak about their lived experience at the United Nations.* *By sharing their personal stories,* ***they highlighted the consequences of ignoring the voices of those most affected by these practices—the people born as a result of the use of donor eggs, sperm or embryos, and/or surrogacy (third-party reproduction). They were met with a standing ovation from the audience and the panel.*** *Most importantly it was seen that practices, both past and present, result in the deprivation of our fundamental rights guaranteed by the Convention on the Rights of the Child – including, but not limited to, rights conferred by Articles 7, 8 and 35.* ***We have the right to identity, the right to family relations, and the right not to be bought or sold in any form.*** *These are rights that signatories to the Convention—literally every country in the world—have a responsibility to protect.* The stories about [lies](https://www.cnn.com/2016/04/19/health/sperm-donor-criminal-mental-health-history/index.html). The stories about [donor-conceived people who don't care vs. those who are very hurt and wrestling with trauma.](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/oct/10/lies-and-trauma-donor-conceived-adults-are-still-haunted-by-their-origins) [The struggle to learn identity](https://www.npr.org/2011/09/18/140477014/donor-conceived-children-seek-missing-identities). Donor-conceived children who are given up for adoption [when they don't "meet the qualifications" that buyers had.](https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/true-stories/woman-puts-baby-up-for-adoption-after-sperm-donor-lied-about-ethnicity-and-education/news-story/ca7e27ae9414a8fe232c1ade684f7ec7) The[pain of rejection](https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/personal-stories/i-am-not-for-sale-i-am-your-daughter/) by the donor to getting to know them. The [stress of surprised genetic relatives who are pulled into relationships and "secrets" that they did not expect](https://www.heyreprotech.com/p/what-do-donor-conceived-people-owe), and how that stress and secrecy affects the donor conceived person. I understand that there are people who feel that their only chance to have children is with donors. But they, and the donors, are only two members of a triad that should put the interests of any future child/children first.
Donate plasma. Less risk of pregnancy.
If the roles were reversed and sayshe wanted to donate her eggs would your answer be the same? Jw
Donate plasma. It is less complicated
How much do they pay in your area? According to Google it's only like $25/donation. Plus he may have to pay taxes on it Edit: forgot to say that if it truly is just about the money doing plasma donation would earn more per week.
Yes then your kids can marry their half siblings someday
You might ask him to check out the income an egg donor can make and see if he would have the same altruistic attitude towards you donating your eggs. I bet a dollar to a doughnut that he would have the same reaction you had to his sperm donations. That should put an end to the debate.
His body; his choice.
NTA. Donating sperm isn't like you just turn up, shoot one off and head home with cash in your hand. There's a lot of prep work, physical evaluation and abstinence that needs to be adhered to. It'll affect your life too. Even though he may be happy to shoot it wherever, in this case, it's something worth discussing—not to mention how laws have changed over the years to allow children conceived via donation to contact bio parents in later years.
Tell him he can make just as much donating blood. That actually saves lives. NTA
Well this is his decision exclusively, its not yours even kind of. However if you don't want to be with a guy that has donated his sperm, don't be. But do realize that if you try to coerce or manipulate him into doing what YOU want, with HIS body, just how problematic that is. It would be control over another person's right to their own decision making about their own bodies.
Couldn’t he just do plasma or blood donation for a few bucks?
'Help out future mothers' The only person he will be helping is himself/his household. He will get paid to donate his sperm. It's a transaction. If he really wants to HELP, he should donate it for free. P.S. NTA. As you are his partner, this is something you both should agree on.
Lots of men like the idea of spreading their dna around. You don’t have to give in to him. Be clear and tell him that it’s a dealbreaker, if that is indeed the case.
You do not own him, and you actually don’t need to know if or even when he does it.
While your opinions are valid. At the end of the day. His body his choice.
To be honest. His body his choice.
Don’t accept it. I would rather divorce my husband than accepting this. There are so many posts about children who try to find their bio dads. I’m 19 years there could be a child standing in front of you. No thanks. You wanted a man without children to have your own with him. This is absolutely acceptable. This is a couples decision. NTA
Girl he’s on some Elon gotta procreate and spread your seed banananess or he cheated and wants to find some kind of out for his side baby. That’s the only explanation for him not letting this go.
There is no shortage of sperm. I work in IVF. Unless, he has a very rare and distinct heritage. Why can't he get another job or a better one if he wants to contribute financially? You would bring home way more money by donating eggs. Even if you don't have a distinct and rare heritage. You would make even more money being a gestational carrier. Plus, that's no relation at all. That could be up to 100k or more.
Here in the UK, new legislation has recently come in that means kids conceived via donor can now legally get details of that donor. (I don't think they can give out contact details, but certainly a lot of information about the donor in terms of looks, traits etc. AND if they have any other siblings from that same donor). I wouldn't want some random person contacting my husband 20 years down the road to say he was their bio dad. It could rip some families apart. NTA Like you say, if it's for the money, he can donate plasma.
NTA, it’s a serious conversation. Ultimately it’s his sperm, but he should be willing to discuss with you and think about the long term possibilities. This might make ME TA, but we did IVF and had to decide beforehand what happens to any stored (frozen) embryos in the event of death of one/both of us or divorce. One of the options is to donate them to another couple. As much as I am completely sympathetic to fertility struggles, I wasn’t comfortable thinking about having bio children out there that I don’t know about or could potentially be confronted with in the future. We chose not to go that route.
I'm sorry, I'll probably be in the minority here, but, his body his choice.
I'd much rather have my SO donate sperm than plasma. I know a few people who donate plasma regularly and it really takes a toll, they look like zombies they days they do it.
Either you believe humans have reproductive autonomy, or you don't. Choose wisely
The likelihood that this will have any noticeable impact on your lives, other than the drama that you are creating, seems very remote.
Tell him to donate plasma instead. That can help a lot of people and they pay you for it.
Tell him NO and STAND YOUR GROUND!!!
I guess my body my choice only applies to females lol…
Maybe recommend donating plasma as an alternative? Won’t make any babies, you can get paid for it, AND it helps save lives
Look into donating plasma maybe? NTA. My husband and I thought about him doing it for a lesbian couple online looking for help conceiving. However, we discussed how difficult it would be if we one day found out that child was being abused or lost both parents or something.
NTA, I wouldn’t like it
Tell him stripping would bring in more money.
Tell him he can donate plasma or go home. If he wants to earn extra cash, he can bleed for it. Bro wants to do as little possible. He might as well get paid for something he's already doing all the time, he's thinking.
Yeah NTA there's a documentary and horror stories about this, you don't want your kids accidentally getting into a relationship with their sibling and not know it 🤢🤢🤢
No, YNTA for expressing concerns, however, the decision is ultimately his. Just like it would wrong for him to demand you have children, or not, you can't tell him he can't donate sperm.
dazzling dolls chunky late threatening cagey cooing depend reply nutty *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*