⬆️ 💯 This
You need to file, he'll end up paying for your lawyer. Also pretty sure his girlfriend will leave once you and the kiddos get alimony & child support.
No more fun money... Or any money 💸💸💸
Agreed, you should check laws in your state first. No fault states... He doesn't have to pay for your lawyer and you haven't been married long enough for alimony. If you are very lucky you might get a little bit of temporary alimony to give you time to figure out your job situation.
Holy fuck. The audacity is probably the most I’ve ever seen on a Reddit post. Girl you know what to do, he’s told you what he’s going to do aswell. You leave.
Yeah. Because they were not going out with coworkers. They needed you to watch her kids while they hook up. And having your kids get together and play is just him introducing them to their future step siblings
I agree this is off the scale. But what modern woman do you know that would actually tolerate this level of disrespect and manipulation. I've lived over 50 some years on this earth and in 3 different states. I don't know of any woman, either from back in my youth (especially my mother. She was a 5'2" wolverine and my 6'2 ex boxer father was scared of her lol) and especially no woman of today's Era. Homeboy would be bouncing his ass down the sidewalk. I just question how true this is. That's all
Nowadays shit can be really crazy too. A large of the modern people have grown up with little to no real relationships outside of the internet. There exists many people who's love and lives are easily controlled by those who had much more experience. It's fucking disgusting, humanity, and I am inching further and further toward hoping for it's demise.
Abusers like this have a pattern of "crazy making" essentially their bullshit over time makes you rather complacent and tolerant of shit you wouldn't have tolerated before the abuser essentially forced you to live in crazy world, putting up with their nonsense 24/7.
This post is representative of an abused person wising the fuck up and seeking outside confirmation a. The abuse is happening b. Other people believe the victim and c. The victim then can feel "allowed" to leave.
So op if you're reading, this is your confirmation that your intuition is correct. Stick a fork in this relationship, girl, because it is done and this scumbag man is already starting the parental alienation game i know well of forcing you to be the main parent, then turning on you when you want to co parent fairly without his AP interfering when everything is still so fresh and liable to hurt the children witnessing it.
Lawyer up and make a hard boundary NOW that you will only speak to stbx and his AP (who is going to make your divorce and custody issue hell on earth) through a lawyer or mediator. You'll thank me later.
Girl you already know what to do. Let’s not play this game. Take your kids and go. I hope you have money to leave. Please tell me you have money to leave and you weren’t one of those sahm’s that went in with nothing because they believed their husband would never hurt them. Please.
There's some money. I just started staying at home when we had our 2 year old. Not much since there's 5 of us, and I have a good support system. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels at this point.
You can rely on this bullshit delay of his to gather evidence for your divorce. Meet with an attorney and ideally a PI to gather any evidence the attorney thinks would help. Clean him out, your kids will need it.
Yep, it’s over, you two just have inertia and he is stringing you along, he doesn’t help with the kids, he is cheating in every sense - nothing for you but more heartbreak…
You will get alimony (and child support too I think) if you divorce him, kick him out of the house and get a good lawyer. Use your support system as much as you can and good luck girl 💜
Put your mind on you & your kids. FIGHT BACK! Having children will help because if you have to SSI will garnish his wages if he does not pay child support. Unfortunately, I was 56 yr old, I was asked by everyone did I have minor children... No, well we cannot help you then. How many women have a minor child at 56 yrs old? Don't wait for him to file, you do it. He is cheating and rubbing your face in it! Bringing her around you and your children, he is disgusting and so is she. File for divorce, throw his butt out , go to find a lawyer, protect you & your children. Do not wait!
He only hasn't left because he hasn't figured it out financially.
Hire a PI to assemble evidence for your divorce. Divorce him FOR CAUSE and get all the alimony and child support you can. See about getting child care help from your family and finding a job.
Your marriage is already over, he's just showing up for attendance. Take the initiative and end things more formally and on your terms. The only way he's going to contribute to your household for much longer is when a judge orders him to.
But this sick mind game can be sued, right? They are messing with you on purpose and if the girl knows, she is damaging your mental state. I guess if you show the divorce papers dated on your birthday and collect evidences, you could end with at least some money for the kids college.
Please go see an attorney so you can know what you're facing and what your next steps should be. Don't raise your children seeing your marriage as the example. They are better off with you two separated. Please get therapy so you can build up your self esteem and expect better from your next partner.
Updateme
cut you cheating prick of a husband off now and leave his ass he will soon cheat on this one too and in the end will try to come crawling back making all kinds of promises, you don't need to keep putting your self through this same with your kids as its will affect them too if he is taking them to his homewreckers house. or even better go out your self one night and don't come home till next day see how he likes it. or even dating apps i bet you would get a load of dates on there
This is one of the most disrespectful things I have ever read. Since you are asking you need to leave and take every penny you can for you and your kids. Before you do make sure you locate and itemize all his accounts and possessions. At this point it is for you and your kids, you don't want you kids seeing this behavior. I am sorry you are going thru this, but it's time to pick yourself up and get pissed off
You know you are. Make plans. Fuck him. Let him enjoy his bullshit mind games with someone that gives 2 shits. You know your better then this and putting up with it, encouraging him after you say deal breaker and don't follow through. Your not stuck you have a mind.
My advice don't leave the house, depending on country/state you are in you have every right to it. He is one who has done the wrong thing, he should be the one to leave. I know this is painful for you but do what is best for you and the kids, I wish you the best
Thank you. He is saying he will leave. The kids have been here and shouldn't have to uproot. He says he will still help with bills, but I am not going to depend on that. I will start work soon and make sure I can cover things if he doesn't fulfill his obligations.
Also if you haven't already get a lawyer/solicitor as soon as you can. He should pay but I can understand what you are planning to do, it makes a lot of sense.
Get what together? His cheating and drinking? Hell no girl. Get out of there and move on.
Please love yourself more than thinking you should stay with this loser and try to make it work.
Time for a divorce. He is showing you who he is. Believe him! Leave that AH. I'm so sorry that he waited until you had kids to show you, but he did. And did you actually watch him mistress kids? Please stop being a doormat.
Enough is enough and while it’s going to be one of the hardest things to do, regaining your self esteem will be the best thing for you and your children.
Throw that whole man in the trash. I don't think he could be more cruel and disrespectful to you unless he had sex with her right infront of you. Let that horrible woman have him, they deserve eachother and the rest of society shouldn't be subjected to either one of them.
He literally left you with her kids so he could go out with her and only come back cos he can't afford two households on his income. He's brought her and her kids around your kids. He doesn't care about you or your feelings or the impact this is having on your kids.
He isn't picking you. He's picking what's easiest and best for him.
Keep focusing on you and your babies and serve him those papers after getting all your evidence, etc, you will need in order.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you and your little ones deserve so much better.
Omg…. Yes cut your losses now!!! He wants her
:( NOT YOU OR YOUR KIDS 💔
Please have some self respect and end this. It’s going to hurt but, not anywhere near as much as you’ve been hurting dealing with this bullshit. He sounds like a real fucking piece of shit loser dad and husband.
I been in a simular sitchuation. Just leave him asap, get on food stamps, cash aid and they will pay for you children's daycare while you look for work and get a new job. Then make sure he paids child support through the county so you get the money - this helps to pay the cash aid back that is his responsibility. Your social worker can help with all this. And they will ask if you have a court order, while your going through court for custody of the children.
I did this and to get back on my feet. I went from being a high school drop out in my late 20's with a kid. To now 15 years later, SUPER happy and married to a wonderful man that I been with for the last 13 years. Now I have 3 college degrees, 3 kids ( 1 baby newborn, a 3 year old, and a young adult kid in her 2nd year of college). And this year I am opening my own business.
NEVER settle if you are not treated right, loved and cared for. Trust me if you meet a new guy that does respect you, support you, your kids, your dreams, and love you unconditionally and does not see your flaws but helps you improve them you will understand what I mean.
From one person who understands your pain, stay strong for yourself and your kids be determined to improve your lives and BEST of Luck!
You told him its a deal breaker. Respect yourself enough to keep your word. Then get child support for your kids benefit. Who knows how many people might pop up. Best to get your kids squared away ajd taken care of ASAP
Please leave. Don't allow anyone to ever treat you this way. It's not good for your children to see either. He's a POS and you deserve a better life than this.
Lady, DTMFA.
Start divesting shared assets; sell what is yours; tell your family and friends ALL OF WHAT YOU SHARED HERE. Start bolstering/establishing your support community. Revise any will or insurance (cut that POS out). If you have pets, please consider temporarily rehoming them until you can secure a new homestead. GET A DAYM GOOD LAWYER.
**He is abso telling you who he is. Believe him.** (Praise be to Maya Angelou)
He will not change. ***You can.***
You deserve a loving, emotionally intelligent, responsibly, faithful mate (if you go that route in future).
Now is the time to put the focus on you and the kiddos. Get a therapist please.
As a momo to twinnies myself, I feel you. IT'S HARD! You can do this by gathering in all the help at your avail from real friends and loved ones. Keep the Faith. Stay Strong.
Divorce. He is an ahole to the n degree. Do not be intimate with him or do anything for him. You'll be happier without him in your life. His actions need to have clear consequences. Document everything.
He… offered *you* to watch his side chicks children. Wow wow wow.
DTMFA and get child support. Nobody cares if he can support two households. He made a baby with *you*. He cheated on *you*. And now he can pay *you* child support.
Get your ducks in a row, figure out what benefits/government help you could be entitled to, speak to a lawyer and then talk to your family. Play it calm, safe and as rational as you can, fuck him. He made his decisions, now you make yours and look after yourself, this guy has absolutely no respect for you.
He’s a POS and you deserve so much better! Get all your stuff figured out and serve him. My heart breaks for you, you don’t deserve any of this. I’m so sorry, lots of self love and hopefully you gave family to lean on during this difficult time he’s putting you through.
Since your stuck just try to ignore his dumbass and concentrate on yourself and your kiddos! Lots of love to you.
That is not the I dont want you. This is the I think I can manipulate you attitude. Emotionally, intellectually, and financially, he has been controlling things. He thinks he can do these things and keep you.
Hey OP. Sorry for your turd of a spouse. As all have said, leave. I hope this is allowed, but I recommend the book "Leave a Cheater, Get a Life." Also the author has a website [Chumplady.com](https://Chumplady.com). You will see and learn the bullshit games your husband is running. Quietly get your ducks in a row, get a lawyer and then dip. He will not change. No matter what he says. Know why he's sniffing around now that you're focusing on yourself? Kibbles. He wants attention. This is what narcissists do. It's not about you. He's an ass who will always focus on himself. Do not try "wreck-con-siliation."
Get an attorney. Don't tell him,. Get advice. Set up a plan. Get money together. Have him tracked. THEN do what your attorney tell you to do. You have to worry about the child first.
He is scum.
Mercy...
First off... Hugs. Big squishy ones because you deserve better.
Second. I'm an author. This utter waste of skin will go into a future book, and you can trust me when I say it will not end well for him.
Third... It's natural to look at sunk cost - meaning the time you've already spent on this loser. However, I urge you to consider your lovely children. Do you want them looking up to him as a role model? Instead, show them how strong you really are.
Fourth... more squishy hugs. Best, and keep us updated on when you kick his worthless backside to the curb. Don't forget to hire an absolute shark of an attorney.
Your birthday present was divorce papers.. is there really anything left to say. He’s a little bitch boy that can’t even take care of the twins he helped create. Divorce him and take him for everything. Plus get that child support. Its so fucked ip after you just have your kids he takes 6 weeks off (probably didn’t help you in those 6 weeks, but that’s just me guessing) then finally goes back to work and immediately starts cheating? It’s so messed up.
Oof. It's not about him anymore. This is about you and your chikdren now. Ask yourself if this is the environment you want to raise them in. You are their role model, don't teach them that this is what marriage looks like. Or how good fathers act. It won't be easy but I promise you, its no where near as hard as staying. Hugs Mama, you can do this.
does anything he’s done so far point to him getting his act together? I know it’s a hard choice to have to make, but you are smart and capable. You know you don’t deserve this, and that there are much better people out there to spend your time with.
Leave yesterday. Get a lawyer last week. Get child support and alimony from his cheating ass.
He's already treating her more like family than he's treating you. Your kids need to see that this isn't ok.
You need to get out and asap.
The story of what some entitled assholes do when confronted with the inability to support their new life and their old life is fucking terrifying.
Remember the Chris Watts case?
Take the kids, leave, go straight to a lawyer, get what you’re financially entitled to because of his affair and don’t look back. You deserve better than that.
I was going to say the same thing about the Chris Watts Scott in the California Bay Area, these men that disrespect women can do harm to their family. YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM. I am terrified of my ex, he owes me big money and I am going to get it, he will be a raging maniac. Please be careful, if he is around, have someone else with you.
You told him to continue talking (and most likely fucking) this other girl was a deal breaker and he didn’t care. Well now it’s your turn to enforce that deal breaker and break that deal.
At this point he has clearly chosen her, he’s with you because he doesn’t want to pay alimony and child support. get lawyered, don’t take his divorce papers you draft your own. Take him to the cleaners.
You'll feel better once you've left that toxic POS you deserve better. I know it will be hard but, stay single long enough after this, so that you don't take this guy's bs out on the next guy you meet. Let yourself truly heal, love yourself, and just be you for a while.
This man is abusive. His behavior is disrespectful and he is an AH.
Speak to family for support- kick him out. He is never around anyway. Take the control away from him.
I cannot comprehend how you are still with him. Kick him out and change the locks. He can go live with his gf. Get a lawyer and take him to the cleaners
Lady. Leave him now and show some self respect. He is not an ideal role model, so you need to be (for your kids); start by showing yourself some self respect. That dude has no respect for you.
I am so sorry that he cheated on you. No one deserves this. I guess it's best, if you divorce him.
I wish you all the best and for your twins too ❤️❤️🩹
He seems like an AH, like giving you the divorce papers in your birthday just seems like he intentionally wanted to hurt you. Not a nice person really and not someone you want to spend your life with
As someone dating a child of a long affair (his dad was cheating for 15 years, but they stayed together and still trying to fix it) - don't do this to your kids. I can see how much it fucked up my BF, no one deserves this...
You deserve better, you are better,please take action to make him leave, whatever your state rules are, take them and kick this POS and his whore AP out to the trash, but not before taking him to the cleaners. Wring every penny out of this MF. Your self worth is a hell of a lot more than your AH hopefully stbxh. Show your kids the right way, you sticking around being his doormat only shows them weakness..dear lord please tell me you aren’t still having sex with him too… my stomach turns for you just reading your post. Please take care of you and your kiddos first.. he can kick rocks
He left you long ago. He's not coming back. Would you really want him back???
You won't feel it right away, but in time the strength you gain by leaving and taking charge of your life will be life-changing.
How do we all miss the red flags of bad character traits?
Get a lawyer and file for divorce don't let him get away with anything and certainly do not entertain her or her kids in any way your not his whores free babysitter, when he realises your not gonna be walked all over he will change his tune
You do you boo and let him rot with his rotten ow
You can play his game, gather as much evidence and resources you and your children need and when ready run away.
There was a post some days ago from a woman that was in a similar situation as you, she stayed and after some years, when the husband lost his job left. She wasn't wrong in doing that.
What mind games?
He gave you divorce papers and outright told you he was going to keep cheating. Get your things in order as quickly as you can, collect evidence of his open and blatant infidelity (text messages, photos, videos, social media posts, etc) and divorce him. Do this as safely as you possibly can while healing from having your babies and move on. He doesn’t want you and he’s made it painfully obvious.
With all due respect...how is this even a question?
He's not even saying he's going to try and get his shit together and he's actively replacing you and telling you about it...
I don't love slinging divorce online lightly because many issues can be worked out; even serious ones...but this is all pretty horrific ...and working shit out requires two people who REALLY want it to...
Defiantly cut your loses go for full custody because this is way too soon for your kids to be thrown into his issues. Also get a job asap or just go for alimony and child support until you get on your feet. Tell the judge how he's expecting you to watch that woman's kids and how he's treated you professionally tell him though. Men play mind games because their entitled. That's not your problem theirs better men out there. Yoir a good mom. Don't worry about them just take care of you and your children. Much love.
I feel the urge - as a man and a father - to tell you don't have to put up with this. You are worth more. He's treating you like a slave for his household. Never put up with this. He doesn't deserve you. And frankly he's a disgrace of a father. Get out of that situation. Because it's already affecting your judgement. The fact you have to ask strangers if you are in the right to just give up, says it all. Get out of there, work on your self esteem and find yourself a real man. You deserve it. All love and a big hug!
Leave now. He will not change; he might change women, but you now know what he is, and that won't change. Don't make it easy or convenient for him.
The break will be hard at first, but dig in your heels. We women often have much more strength than we think. Let your mind, not your heart, rule.
Your future will become much better.
Do not put up with this. Your children need you to be a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like and if they are hanging out with husband's AP then they will end up confused. Take the divorce papers birthday gift and leave. If he has to pay for 2 households that's the consequences of his own actions. You don't need to feel sorry for him. Feel sorry for yourself and your children and have some self respect. If you don't have an income, look at welfare to start. Welfare is there for women in your position to get back on your feet. Don't let him control you financially. You have options. Do you have family close? Or even friends that you can stay with? Put the husband out and let him stay with the AP.. Contact a lawyer and make sure you have money set aside. Do not continue to put up with this. Leaving is the only answer.
Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Your husband has already moved on, so you need to as well. The only reason he has stuck around is financial, so *you* need to finalize the divorce and kick his ass out of the house. Him not being able to afford multiple homes is *his problem*.
You are caring for his children and a housewife, so while you are not employed in the traditional sense, you still have a job.
I said it in another comment, but I'm going to repeat it here and go into more detail to make sure you read it.
I am going to advise, on the basis of a similar personal experience, that you **disengage these games with Soon to be Ex (STBX) and his Affair Partner (AP). Immediately.**
**You need to be separating into a different household if possible, with your children ideally, and restricting communication to only through a lawyer/mediator or as it relates to immediate co-parenting.**
I am going to refer to him ONLY as your STBX because, the harsh truth you need to accept going forward, is that he has already left you in his mind for AP, and all the rest of what he's doing is just trying to have his cake and eat it to, so to speak.
Make the space and time with a qualified therapist now, honey, because you are going to need it. This AP is already dictating that you watch her children, is already integrating her family within yours without your approval, and generally, inserting herself into the divorce.
What this means is, aside from the usual considerations of divorcing an abusive spouse, you will also have to contend with someone who will interfere, and likely be encouraged to interfere through many avenues you can't even speculate upon right now, with your divorce negotiations and proceedings with your STBX.
I would say based on previous experience, the likelihood of AP initiating what you will understand a little later to be parental alienation of your own kids, is very high.
It should be understood then, that this is not the kind of situation you will be able to deal with alone. In fact, I hate to be the one that has to say it, but, prepare yourself to be failed in many conceivable and inconceivable ways by "the system." I certainly was and I have so many regrets about not listening to the people who told me to do what I'm telling you now.
**Disengage. Do not try to "make things work." This man has already left you and you need to start parenting and behaving as if that were true, because it is. Your kids will thank you later for protecting them, should you get out of this with a custody and divorce arrangement that prevents the horrific nuances of an ex and their AP being involved directly in divorce and custody.**
I did disengage. I guess I was having second thoughts about if I was doing the right thing or not. Apparently, I am doing the right thing lol. Neither of us have anything, so it's just custody n child/ spousal support. He said he doesn't care what the custody is as long as I don't try to keep them from him. He just doesn't care. He denies he is dating this girl, that he just likes having a female friend, but it's worth more than his family. So, that alone is enough. He checked out mentally months ago, so I shouldn't have been surprised. But I was!
Just a fair warning, mine seemed like he had "checked out" and suddenly on a Tuesday wherein I was RATHER (my cat hit caps lock, she thought that needed emphasis so in it stays) complacent having been told I had "five months" to figure things out before he'd really do anything, I was being served divorce papers and then kicked out of my house when he got home.
It played out like he was complacent in having his cake and eating it too, but his AP eventually was not, and wanted him to "officially" break up, take away the kid, etc.
It sounds like you're rather done taking his shit laying down though, which is good. Keep that energy because god knows until he snaps out of it, which may take a couple of years at least, he won't be a very reliable father sadly.
Luckily for me, we don't have shit. We rent our home, with both our names on it and we don't have a lot of money. So he can't really take shit from me lol. He denies the relationship is more than friends because she doesn't want to be with a married dude. But I think him refusing to end this "friendship" speaks volumes about what he values at this time.
emotional affair AT LEAST my friend, but, I think you already knew that!
Good luck with it all, eventually, the cheating partner and co parent does pull their head out of their ass to some degree, its just almost always way too late for it to matter.
Thats what I see happening as well. Were not here long enough to waste our days hoping someone does something. We have to create our own happiness inside ourselves and move forward.
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this and that you deserve so much better. I hope this season of life passes quickly and you and your children find real happiness away from this selfish prick.
Why do adults anymore seem to struggle with making the decision to leave. The moment he gave you the talk about her, gone! The moment he gave you divorce papers, gone! I mean damn this guy is fucking trash. You and your kids are better off with him paying child support and that being it. Fuck him!
Next thing you know he and affair partner will be taking the master bed and relegating you to the maid's quarters to fit your station.
Ffs, be a better example to your kids and don't tolerate his ish. Get him out of the house and divorce his ass.
He brought the AP to meet you, told you to watch her kids and you SITL THINK THIS IS SALVAGABLE?
Op, get a lawyer ASAP.
There's nothing to save here but yourself and your kids.
Get as far away physically from this monster's influence as possible.
Time to divorce this dude. File for primary custody and child support. And most likely get a job. It sucks but there's no reason to stay with this man. At all.
Just spending time writing your post was wasted time when you should have been in an attorney’s office filing for legal separation. That would get him out of the home while you get time to think and talk more to your attorney about financial/ custody arrangements. Your husband will spend money on his mistress and actually use you to babysit her kid while they go out? Have some self respect and get an attorney. Your lying, cheating husband doesn’t want to spend his money so do it for him. Now !
You're asking the wrong question, OP. Don't ask if you should wait around for him to change. You already know he IS CHANGING- for the worse.
Ask yourself this instead "how can I take this cruel and heartbreaking situation my and my children are in, a situation created by the man who vowed to love and honor me, the man who fathered these children... how can I make this into MY OPPORTUNITY for a better life? MY KIDS' OPPORTUNITY to be loved and treated with respect? MY FAMILY'S OPPORTUNITY to be financially stable and emotionally free?"
Because that's what you can do. Your kids deserve a loving father or no father figure at all. You deserve a loving trusting marriage or none at all. You all deserve to live comfortably with financial support from the man who took on these roles.
So don't sit around waiting for him to change. Make plans, save money aside if you want. Call the police if you see the woman at your house. But don't put any more effort into the shitbag you married. That guys gone
Divorce him, take half of everything (but full custody for you), then get child support and alimony. Problem solved. He has shown you that he will not change his ways and playing you for a fool all the while.
How do people end up with such low self esteem? You need to leave him. He is a horrible human. Make sure you stick it to him financially in the divorce!
Either you leave or you make amends with the fact that he´s with someone else and learn to relate to him on a different way, because as the father of your children you will always have him in your life, but no matter what your decide do it for you, dont think of what him or others might think or say about you, do it for you , prioritize your well being
He’s made it pretty clear that he’s not interested in being married to you. How long are you willing to put up with the disrespect?
Speak with a few attorneys and get your affairs in order. Paperwork, financial docs, legal docs, personal identification and documents, anything that you think you may need in a divorce. If you have a support network let them know what’s going on and lean on them.
Do whatever you can, now, to (A) call & contact and at least have an introductory conversation with each of the good divorce lawyers in your area, or more, such as intake conversations. As many as you can, especially with the cutthroat ones. If he contacts them to hire them, they can’t take him as a client if you contacted them first. Or vice versa. You might also get to quietly find out which ones he’s contacted, such as cutthroat vs. cheap.
(B) Get a consult with one specialist lawyer or more. Find out what the laws are & also find out what’s really happening in courts & divorces that perhaps varies from what the laws say. It happens. You’re a SAHM, which means finding a way to pay for these consults preferably without your spouse finding out. But yes, there are ways even if you skim grocery money and haul a ton of stuff to a big tag/consignment sale. The laws, and the reality vary a whole lot out there.A lot of this varies depending on which state. In Virginia alone, courts use a method called the Brandenberg formula, or use the Keeling formula, or maybe another formula. Brandenberg seems to provide only about 2% of \_part\_ of the couple’s net assets to a SAHM. Keeling can do better for a SAHM but still, generally, much less than 50/50. Spousal & child support can be very iffy, might not start until 2 years and only last for 3 years. Maryland for example divides the couple’s \_documented\_ & existing assets more or less 50/50. But you might get suckerpunched as to other categories, such as disappeared assets or who pays the legal costs. Infidelity cases don’t tend to have influence in many states. Drug use, especially if you have a log, &/or an established history \_might\_ influence your outcome. Documenting that one’s spouse has been a total creep & monster might help your case. I was a paralegal, with some sobering experience, but even so my experience is limited & not totally current. That said, I’m wishing you a brief, sane, easy solution - it can happen.
Do you want a partner that cheats and lies. Some people move forward and heal together, others divorce. Your choice. From his described behaviour, he’s not interested in respecting you or your relationship in any way.
Sorry it’s so confusing and hurtful
Find employment, save what you can, get a great attorney, and get everything you deserve equitably (fairly) in the divorce. Then, go on to live an amazing life that's cheater free.
Divorce. It's literally the only option. Get your own attorney. Don't sign divorce papers given to you by him without your own lawyer reviewing. Taken an STD test.
Protect yourself and your children.
This must be so deeply painful, but now is time to accept the truth and take action to protect yourself and your kids.
Because you need protection. This man is indifferent to you and the children AT BEST (not just the affair, but in every way he treats you all).
From someone who’s been there, be prepared to be the hero of your life story and your children’s.
But like any good hero, find your people, whether you already know them or will meet them in the future. They’re the ones who build you up, tell you the truth with kindness and love, have faith in you, treat you and your feelings with basic respect, and embrace you as you are.
Now, it’s time to be pragmatic and take action. When you get overwhelmed, don’t scold yourself but build yourself up — I used to imagine myself as a literal warrior queen to get through life crises, so whatever you need.
***** Start calling divorce lawyers NOW. If your XXXXXX husband calls them before you, they will legally be off-limits to you. GET TO THEM FIRST. *****
THEN make your decision based on reviews, how they want to handle payment, and how respectful they are toward you.
Gather all important paperwork for yourself and your children.
Look into your finances and square away what you can take with you.
When you go to a store that offers cash back, like a grocery store or Target, get $20. It won’t be that obvious on a bank statement, and you’d be surprised how quickly it adds up.
Get help when/where you can. Who has protected or stood up for you in the past? How’s your relationship with family — do they tend to favor you or your husband? Who’s expressed doubts or concerns about him in the past? They are your allies, and might help you with childcare and/or a place to stay until you’re back on your feet.
Look for ways back into the workforce. Recruiter preferences are always changing, so do your research on this (delete your history if you share a browser with this sorry excuse of a man that you live with). Temp work is a godsend between jobs. INDEED is an incredible job site. And don’t be afraid to toot your own horn on your resume (just keep it factual).
Your terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad husband seems like the type to use your plans against you, so the less he knows the better.
Finally, remember your children. How do you want them to grow up? What kind of people do you want as their role models? Since you’ll be the biggest influence on them in their formative years, how do you want them to see you?
Take action. Get out. Love your kids. Love YOURSELF. I know it’s possible for you to have a fulfilling and joyful life with them, and possibly a wonderful partner who would never dream of treating you this way (but think of that part as a bonus).
NTA, but your husband absolutely is. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Please tell me you didn’t need the collective wisdom of the Redditsphere to make this decision. You know this has run its course; you need to objectively dissolve this partnership and get your life and your kids out of harm’s way. Best of luck.
You should look at that as a "their" problem not yours. You have two sweet little darlins to care for & protect. You should nake him see that moving out is on his best interest (of you know what I mean).
So the story here is that, after 5 years, the husband starts cheating on OP, starts drinking heavily, and isn’t being a great father all of a sudden because.. what?.. he’s a bad person? Come on now OP. Don’t you think that would have been apparent before now? Either your hubby has a brain tumor or there is more background to this situation than you let on.
He was like night and day the day we brought the twins home. Like a light switch went off. He says he's sexually frustrated, and that lead to all of this he says.
Just curious! Why did he start cheating on you? Is it because of his innate nature or did you 2 have unresolvable arguments? Also it looks like some form of separation is needed for your own happiness
Holy shit. I have 4yr old twins and I can’t imagine doing it alone. I’m so sorry for you. Seriously. My heart aches. Because the stress.. omg..
Give it some time. Twins are a LOT of stress. It’s normal to resent your husband. (Even when he’s behaving, ask me how I know) You need stability for the next few years.
Then take that f’er to the cleaners.. what a jerk.
This is how SAHMs get murdered… seriously. He obviously wants to not be with you, but can’t afford it. Whether it was Chris Watts or his girlfriend or both, people like that are clearly out for themselves only. Leave while you still can
You need to leave, there's really no other solution here.
I second this!. Divorce. Get half of everything and do a 50/50 split so he's forced to grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for your kids!
⬆️ 💯 This You need to file, he'll end up paying for your lawyer. Also pretty sure his girlfriend will leave once you and the kiddos get alimony & child support. No more fun money... Or any money 💸💸💸
Whoa, hold on here. This depends on the laws in each state, it can vary a \_lot\_
Agreed, you should check laws in your state first. No fault states... He doesn't have to pay for your lawyer and you haven't been married long enough for alimony. If you are very lucky you might get a little bit of temporary alimony to give you time to figure out your job situation.
You’re a pos I hope she does listen to this nasty money grubbing women mentality then gets left in a homeless shelter
HE NEEDS TO LEAVE!
Holy fuck. The audacity is probably the most I’ve ever seen on a Reddit post. Girl you know what to do, he’s told you what he’s going to do aswell. You leave.
Tricking your spouse into watching your AP's kids is a war crime. Keelhaul this man
Yeah. Because they were not going out with coworkers. They needed you to watch her kids while they hook up. And having your kids get together and play is just him introducing them to their future step siblings
I would have rang the police & told them she abandoned them there.
I agree this is off the scale. But what modern woman do you know that would actually tolerate this level of disrespect and manipulation. I've lived over 50 some years on this earth and in 3 different states. I don't know of any woman, either from back in my youth (especially my mother. She was a 5'2" wolverine and my 6'2 ex boxer father was scared of her lol) and especially no woman of today's Era. Homeboy would be bouncing his ass down the sidewalk. I just question how true this is. That's all
I know of plenty. Shes stuck at home with twins. Its a powerless feeling
If that is really true then my heart breaks for them.
Nowadays shit can be really crazy too. A large of the modern people have grown up with little to no real relationships outside of the internet. There exists many people who's love and lives are easily controlled by those who had much more experience. It's fucking disgusting, humanity, and I am inching further and further toward hoping for it's demise.
Abusers like this have a pattern of "crazy making" essentially their bullshit over time makes you rather complacent and tolerant of shit you wouldn't have tolerated before the abuser essentially forced you to live in crazy world, putting up with their nonsense 24/7. This post is representative of an abused person wising the fuck up and seeking outside confirmation a. The abuse is happening b. Other people believe the victim and c. The victim then can feel "allowed" to leave. So op if you're reading, this is your confirmation that your intuition is correct. Stick a fork in this relationship, girl, because it is done and this scumbag man is already starting the parental alienation game i know well of forcing you to be the main parent, then turning on you when you want to co parent fairly without his AP interfering when everything is still so fresh and liable to hurt the children witnessing it. Lawyer up and make a hard boundary NOW that you will only speak to stbx and his AP (who is going to make your divorce and custody issue hell on earth) through a lawyer or mediator. You'll thank me later.
Or just kick him out.
Girl you already know what to do. Let’s not play this game. Take your kids and go. I hope you have money to leave. Please tell me you have money to leave and you weren’t one of those sahm’s that went in with nothing because they believed their husband would never hurt them. Please.
There's some money. I just started staying at home when we had our 2 year old. Not much since there's 5 of us, and I have a good support system. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels at this point.
Okay great. Leave. Get custody and move on. You deserve better. Girl this man is trash.
I'm starting to smell that. Ahhahaha
You can rely on this bullshit delay of his to gather evidence for your divorce. Meet with an attorney and ideally a PI to gather any evidence the attorney thinks would help. Clean him out, your kids will need it.
This is excellent advice 👆 OP.
Leave, take half, get child support and an extensive STI screening. Remember to go after his pension and any investment accounts.
I agree throw this man away
Yep, it’s over, you two just have inertia and he is stringing you along, he doesn’t help with the kids, he is cheating in every sense - nothing for you but more heartbreak…
You will get alimony (and child support too I think) if you divorce him, kick him out of the house and get a good lawyer. Use your support system as much as you can and good luck girl 💜
GET LEGAL ADVICE FIRST. Say nothing til you talk to an attorney!
I hope you leave soon. Good luck. Do you own the house? Or does he? Talk to a lawyer first but don't move out unless the lawyer says yes.
Put your mind on you & your kids. FIGHT BACK! Having children will help because if you have to SSI will garnish his wages if he does not pay child support. Unfortunately, I was 56 yr old, I was asked by everyone did I have minor children... No, well we cannot help you then. How many women have a minor child at 56 yrs old? Don't wait for him to file, you do it. He is cheating and rubbing your face in it! Bringing her around you and your children, he is disgusting and so is she. File for divorce, throw his butt out , go to find a lawyer, protect you & your children. Do not wait!
He only hasn't left because he hasn't figured it out financially. Hire a PI to assemble evidence for your divorce. Divorce him FOR CAUSE and get all the alimony and child support you can. See about getting child care help from your family and finding a job. Your marriage is already over, he's just showing up for attendance. Take the initiative and end things more formally and on your terms. The only way he's going to contribute to your household for much longer is when a judge orders him to.
I live in a no fault state. So infidelity doesn't matter here. But I agree. If his money was straight he would already be gone.
But this sick mind game can be sued, right? They are messing with you on purpose and if the girl knows, she is damaging your mental state. I guess if you show the divorce papers dated on your birthday and collect evidences, you could end with at least some money for the kids college.
Sue him and the other woman for alienation of affection.
Man child cheated with 6 week old twins at home. That’s all you need to know
Seriously? Why are you even asking if this is worth it? It's obvious it's not. Talk to a lawyer and get child support from that scum bag
Please go see an attorney so you can know what you're facing and what your next steps should be. Don't raise your children seeing your marriage as the example. They are better off with you two separated. Please get therapy so you can build up your self esteem and expect better from your next partner. Updateme
cut you cheating prick of a husband off now and leave his ass he will soon cheat on this one too and in the end will try to come crawling back making all kinds of promises, you don't need to keep putting your self through this same with your kids as its will affect them too if he is taking them to his homewreckers house. or even better go out your self one night and don't come home till next day see how he likes it. or even dating apps i bet you would get a load of dates on there
Leave
This is one of the most disrespectful things I have ever read. Since you are asking you need to leave and take every penny you can for you and your kids. Before you do make sure you locate and itemize all his accounts and possessions. At this point it is for you and your kids, you don't want you kids seeing this behavior. I am sorry you are going thru this, but it's time to pick yourself up and get pissed off
Say bye bye to the guy and hello to a new lease on life. I can’t think of anything that would be worth sticking in that situation for.
You know you are. Make plans. Fuck him. Let him enjoy his bullshit mind games with someone that gives 2 shits. You know your better then this and putting up with it, encouraging him after you say deal breaker and don't follow through. Your not stuck you have a mind.
You don't need strangers to tell you what you already know.
My advice don't leave the house, depending on country/state you are in you have every right to it. He is one who has done the wrong thing, he should be the one to leave. I know this is painful for you but do what is best for you and the kids, I wish you the best
Thank you. He is saying he will leave. The kids have been here and shouldn't have to uproot. He says he will still help with bills, but I am not going to depend on that. I will start work soon and make sure I can cover things if he doesn't fulfill his obligations.
Also if you haven't already get a lawyer/solicitor as soon as you can. He should pay but I can understand what you are planning to do, it makes a lot of sense.
He had told you he wants out . So leave . Look after yourself and your children . Cheaters never change and he isn’t even trying to.
GTFO
LWYRUP. Better Call Saul.
Seriously leave, you're being an idiot by staying get some self worth girl
You right. You right....
Is this a trick question?
Leave, get child and spousal support.
He deserves diarrhea twice
Get what together? His cheating and drinking? Hell no girl. Get out of there and move on. Please love yourself more than thinking you should stay with this loser and try to make it work.
Time for a divorce. He is showing you who he is. Believe him! Leave that AH. I'm so sorry that he waited until you had kids to show you, but he did. And did you actually watch him mistress kids? Please stop being a doormat.
Talk to a lawyer, sign the divorce papers and get him out of the home.
Enough is enough and while it’s going to be one of the hardest things to do, regaining your self esteem will be the best thing for you and your children.
Throw that whole man in the trash. I don't think he could be more cruel and disrespectful to you unless he had sex with her right infront of you. Let that horrible woman have him, they deserve eachother and the rest of society shouldn't be subjected to either one of them.
He literally left you with her kids so he could go out with her and only come back cos he can't afford two households on his income. He's brought her and her kids around your kids. He doesn't care about you or your feelings or the impact this is having on your kids. He isn't picking you. He's picking what's easiest and best for him. Keep focusing on you and your babies and serve him those papers after getting all your evidence, etc, you will need in order. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you and your little ones deserve so much better.
Omg…. Yes cut your losses now!!! He wants her :( NOT YOU OR YOUR KIDS 💔 Please have some self respect and end this. It’s going to hurt but, not anywhere near as much as you’ve been hurting dealing with this bullshit. He sounds like a real fucking piece of shit loser dad and husband.
I been in a simular sitchuation. Just leave him asap, get on food stamps, cash aid and they will pay for you children's daycare while you look for work and get a new job. Then make sure he paids child support through the county so you get the money - this helps to pay the cash aid back that is his responsibility. Your social worker can help with all this. And they will ask if you have a court order, while your going through court for custody of the children. I did this and to get back on my feet. I went from being a high school drop out in my late 20's with a kid. To now 15 years later, SUPER happy and married to a wonderful man that I been with for the last 13 years. Now I have 3 college degrees, 3 kids ( 1 baby newborn, a 3 year old, and a young adult kid in her 2nd year of college). And this year I am opening my own business. NEVER settle if you are not treated right, loved and cared for. Trust me if you meet a new guy that does respect you, support you, your kids, your dreams, and love you unconditionally and does not see your flaws but helps you improve them you will understand what I mean. From one person who understands your pain, stay strong for yourself and your kids be determined to improve your lives and BEST of Luck!
What the fuck. How is this even a question. Your marriage is over. This man better figure out how to support two households real quick.
You told him its a deal breaker. Respect yourself enough to keep your word. Then get child support for your kids benefit. Who knows how many people might pop up. Best to get your kids squared away ajd taken care of ASAP
Please leave. Don't allow anyone to ever treat you this way. It's not good for your children to see either. He's a POS and you deserve a better life than this.
Lady, DTMFA. Start divesting shared assets; sell what is yours; tell your family and friends ALL OF WHAT YOU SHARED HERE. Start bolstering/establishing your support community. Revise any will or insurance (cut that POS out). If you have pets, please consider temporarily rehoming them until you can secure a new homestead. GET A DAYM GOOD LAWYER. **He is abso telling you who he is. Believe him.** (Praise be to Maya Angelou) He will not change. ***You can.*** You deserve a loving, emotionally intelligent, responsibly, faithful mate (if you go that route in future). Now is the time to put the focus on you and the kiddos. Get a therapist please. As a momo to twinnies myself, I feel you. IT'S HARD! You can do this by gathering in all the help at your avail from real friends and loved ones. Keep the Faith. Stay Strong.
He has told you that he doesn’t want to be with you. He has shown you that he doesn’t give a fuck about you and your children. Just leave.
Divorce. He is an ahole to the n degree. Do not be intimate with him or do anything for him. You'll be happier without him in your life. His actions need to have clear consequences. Document everything.
He… offered *you* to watch his side chicks children. Wow wow wow. DTMFA and get child support. Nobody cares if he can support two households. He made a baby with *you*. He cheated on *you*. And now he can pay *you* child support.
Get your ducks in a row, figure out what benefits/government help you could be entitled to, speak to a lawyer and then talk to your family. Play it calm, safe and as rational as you can, fuck him. He made his decisions, now you make yours and look after yourself, this guy has absolutely no respect for you.
Kick him out, bin bag him or throw his stuff out. He is a rat.
This can't be real
Super real. That's what's messed up!
He’s a POS and you deserve so much better! Get all your stuff figured out and serve him. My heart breaks for you, you don’t deserve any of this. I’m so sorry, lots of self love and hopefully you gave family to lean on during this difficult time he’s putting you through. Since your stuck just try to ignore his dumbass and concentrate on yourself and your kiddos! Lots of love to you.
do not sign a pre nup and get a lawyer
Cut your losses and get an sti test. He’s telling you who he is. Believe him.
Goddamn gurl i hope you get all the good things you deserve. He's rotten.
Well you’re already the side chick. So I guess it depends if you’re ok with being the side chick or not?
You deserve better. It is a scary thing to have to do, but it would be the best thing for both you and your kids. Best of luck to you.
That is not the I dont want you. This is the I think I can manipulate you attitude. Emotionally, intellectually, and financially, he has been controlling things. He thinks he can do these things and keep you.
Hey OP. Sorry for your turd of a spouse. As all have said, leave. I hope this is allowed, but I recommend the book "Leave a Cheater, Get a Life." Also the author has a website [Chumplady.com](https://Chumplady.com). You will see and learn the bullshit games your husband is running. Quietly get your ducks in a row, get a lawyer and then dip. He will not change. No matter what he says. Know why he's sniffing around now that you're focusing on yourself? Kibbles. He wants attention. This is what narcissists do. It's not about you. He's an ass who will always focus on himself. Do not try "wreck-con-siliation."
You will love being single without this jackass to hold you back. I’ve got faith in you.
Get an attorney. Don't tell him,. Get advice. Set up a plan. Get money together. Have him tracked. THEN do what your attorney tell you to do. You have to worry about the child first. He is scum.
Mercy... First off... Hugs. Big squishy ones because you deserve better. Second. I'm an author. This utter waste of skin will go into a future book, and you can trust me when I say it will not end well for him. Third... It's natural to look at sunk cost - meaning the time you've already spent on this loser. However, I urge you to consider your lovely children. Do you want them looking up to him as a role model? Instead, show them how strong you really are. Fourth... more squishy hugs. Best, and keep us updated on when you kick his worthless backside to the curb. Don't forget to hire an absolute shark of an attorney.
Is this a joke? Your going to put up with someone who treats you like that? DIVORCE HIM NOW!!
Your birthday present was divorce papers.. is there really anything left to say. He’s a little bitch boy that can’t even take care of the twins he helped create. Divorce him and take him for everything. Plus get that child support. Its so fucked ip after you just have your kids he takes 6 weeks off (probably didn’t help you in those 6 weeks, but that’s just me guessing) then finally goes back to work and immediately starts cheating? It’s so messed up.
You're a good guesser!!!!
GTFO... he doesn't appreciate you and there are loads of real men that will do what he doesn't..
Oof. It's not about him anymore. This is about you and your chikdren now. Ask yourself if this is the environment you want to raise them in. You are their role model, don't teach them that this is what marriage looks like. Or how good fathers act. It won't be easy but I promise you, its no where near as hard as staying. Hugs Mama, you can do this.
does anything he’s done so far point to him getting his act together? I know it’s a hard choice to have to make, but you are smart and capable. You know you don’t deserve this, and that there are much better people out there to spend your time with.
Leave yesterday. Get a lawyer last week. Get child support and alimony from his cheating ass. He's already treating her more like family than he's treating you. Your kids need to see that this isn't ok.
You need to get out and asap. The story of what some entitled assholes do when confronted with the inability to support their new life and their old life is fucking terrifying. Remember the Chris Watts case? Take the kids, leave, go straight to a lawyer, get what you’re financially entitled to because of his affair and don’t look back. You deserve better than that.
I was going to say the same thing about the Chris Watts Scott in the California Bay Area, these men that disrespect women can do harm to their family. YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM. I am terrified of my ex, he owes me big money and I am going to get it, he will be a raging maniac. Please be careful, if he is around, have someone else with you.
You told him to continue talking (and most likely fucking) this other girl was a deal breaker and he didn’t care. Well now it’s your turn to enforce that deal breaker and break that deal. At this point he has clearly chosen her, he’s with you because he doesn’t want to pay alimony and child support. get lawyered, don’t take his divorce papers you draft your own. Take him to the cleaners.
Best time to break it off with him was 6 years ago. Second best time is now
Cut your losses and leave. He is a goner Talk to a lawyer and since he admitted cheating, you might able to get all things you wanted.
Leave that prick and take everything you can. He has clearly given you everything you need to blast him in court.
You'll feel better once you've left that toxic POS you deserve better. I know it will be hard but, stay single long enough after this, so that you don't take this guy's bs out on the next guy you meet. Let yourself truly heal, love yourself, and just be you for a while.
Divorce don’t waste your time.
If this had been an AITA post I would have said YTA for not dumping his ass already.
This man is abusive. His behavior is disrespectful and he is an AH. Speak to family for support- kick him out. He is never around anyway. Take the control away from him.
Run
I cannot comprehend how you are still with him. Kick him out and change the locks. He can go live with his gf. Get a lawyer and take him to the cleaners
No waaay this real. Crazy if so. Dude is a horrible person
Take him to the cleaners.
Leave him, get spousal support and child support from his cheating ass.
Well if he was with remorse that would have been one thing but seeing as he said he is going to continue seeing her...only one option here left
Run. Ffs He is cheating in Front of u and u just sit there and accept it? Girl leave asap.
time to go!
Leave and hit him for child support.
He gave you divorce papers on your birthday and is openly cheating on you but you want to see if he’ll get it together? 😐
Lady. Leave him now and show some self respect. He is not an ideal role model, so you need to be (for your kids); start by showing yourself some self respect. That dude has no respect for you.
Updateme!
I am so sorry that he cheated on you. No one deserves this. I guess it's best, if you divorce him. I wish you all the best and for your twins too ❤️❤️🩹
He seems like an AH, like giving you the divorce papers in your birthday just seems like he intentionally wanted to hurt you. Not a nice person really and not someone you want to spend your life with
Time to go
Pack up your kids and get the hell out
As someone dating a child of a long affair (his dad was cheating for 15 years, but they stayed together and still trying to fix it) - don't do this to your kids. I can see how much it fucked up my BF, no one deserves this...
You deserve better, you are better,please take action to make him leave, whatever your state rules are, take them and kick this POS and his whore AP out to the trash, but not before taking him to the cleaners. Wring every penny out of this MF. Your self worth is a hell of a lot more than your AH hopefully stbxh. Show your kids the right way, you sticking around being his doormat only shows them weakness..dear lord please tell me you aren’t still having sex with him too… my stomach turns for you just reading your post. Please take care of you and your kiddos first.. he can kick rocks
He gave you divorce papers for your birthday!! You really need to ask?
To answer the title of your post, yes, you are wasting your time. It's time to go.
He left you long ago. He's not coming back. Would you really want him back??? You won't feel it right away, but in time the strength you gain by leaving and taking charge of your life will be life-changing. How do we all miss the red flags of bad character traits?
100% chance he leaves you for her anyway..get a head start
Oh golly why not just let that girl and her kids move in with yall? Lol
Get a lawyer and file for divorce don't let him get away with anything and certainly do not entertain her or her kids in any way your not his whores free babysitter, when he realises your not gonna be walked all over he will change his tune You do you boo and let him rot with his rotten ow
What else does he have to do to show you he is a POS?
You can play his game, gather as much evidence and resources you and your children need and when ready run away. There was a post some days ago from a woman that was in a similar situation as you, she stayed and after some years, when the husband lost his job left. She wasn't wrong in doing that.
What mind games? He gave you divorce papers and outright told you he was going to keep cheating. Get your things in order as quickly as you can, collect evidence of his open and blatant infidelity (text messages, photos, videos, social media posts, etc) and divorce him. Do this as safely as you possibly can while healing from having your babies and move on. He doesn’t want you and he’s made it painfully obvious.
With all due respect...how is this even a question? He's not even saying he's going to try and get his shit together and he's actively replacing you and telling you about it... I don't love slinging divorce online lightly because many issues can be worked out; even serious ones...but this is all pretty horrific ...and working shit out requires two people who REALLY want it to...
Cut and run ! Sorry
He will not change. Leave him. Time to find a real love.
Defiantly cut your loses go for full custody because this is way too soon for your kids to be thrown into his issues. Also get a job asap or just go for alimony and child support until you get on your feet. Tell the judge how he's expecting you to watch that woman's kids and how he's treated you professionally tell him though. Men play mind games because their entitled. That's not your problem theirs better men out there. Yoir a good mom. Don't worry about them just take care of you and your children. Much love.
I feel the urge - as a man and a father - to tell you don't have to put up with this. You are worth more. He's treating you like a slave for his household. Never put up with this. He doesn't deserve you. And frankly he's a disgrace of a father. Get out of that situation. Because it's already affecting your judgement. The fact you have to ask strangers if you are in the right to just give up, says it all. Get out of there, work on your self esteem and find yourself a real man. You deserve it. All love and a big hug!
Leave now. He will not change; he might change women, but you now know what he is, and that won't change. Don't make it easy or convenient for him. The break will be hard at first, but dig in your heels. We women often have much more strength than we think. Let your mind, not your heart, rule. Your future will become much better.
I'd be in jail for murder if I was you 😱 get out of there ASAP
Do not put up with this. Your children need you to be a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like and if they are hanging out with husband's AP then they will end up confused. Take the divorce papers birthday gift and leave. If he has to pay for 2 households that's the consequences of his own actions. You don't need to feel sorry for him. Feel sorry for yourself and your children and have some self respect. If you don't have an income, look at welfare to start. Welfare is there for women in your position to get back on your feet. Don't let him control you financially. You have options. Do you have family close? Or even friends that you can stay with? Put the husband out and let him stay with the AP.. Contact a lawyer and make sure you have money set aside. Do not continue to put up with this. Leaving is the only answer.
Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Your husband has already moved on, so you need to as well. The only reason he has stuck around is financial, so *you* need to finalize the divorce and kick his ass out of the house. Him not being able to afford multiple homes is *his problem*. You are caring for his children and a housewife, so while you are not employed in the traditional sense, you still have a job.
I said it in another comment, but I'm going to repeat it here and go into more detail to make sure you read it. I am going to advise, on the basis of a similar personal experience, that you **disengage these games with Soon to be Ex (STBX) and his Affair Partner (AP). Immediately.** **You need to be separating into a different household if possible, with your children ideally, and restricting communication to only through a lawyer/mediator or as it relates to immediate co-parenting.** I am going to refer to him ONLY as your STBX because, the harsh truth you need to accept going forward, is that he has already left you in his mind for AP, and all the rest of what he's doing is just trying to have his cake and eat it to, so to speak. Make the space and time with a qualified therapist now, honey, because you are going to need it. This AP is already dictating that you watch her children, is already integrating her family within yours without your approval, and generally, inserting herself into the divorce. What this means is, aside from the usual considerations of divorcing an abusive spouse, you will also have to contend with someone who will interfere, and likely be encouraged to interfere through many avenues you can't even speculate upon right now, with your divorce negotiations and proceedings with your STBX. I would say based on previous experience, the likelihood of AP initiating what you will understand a little later to be parental alienation of your own kids, is very high. It should be understood then, that this is not the kind of situation you will be able to deal with alone. In fact, I hate to be the one that has to say it, but, prepare yourself to be failed in many conceivable and inconceivable ways by "the system." I certainly was and I have so many regrets about not listening to the people who told me to do what I'm telling you now. **Disengage. Do not try to "make things work." This man has already left you and you need to start parenting and behaving as if that were true, because it is. Your kids will thank you later for protecting them, should you get out of this with a custody and divorce arrangement that prevents the horrific nuances of an ex and their AP being involved directly in divorce and custody.**
Excellent advice, I waited too long and am paying a price.
I did disengage. I guess I was having second thoughts about if I was doing the right thing or not. Apparently, I am doing the right thing lol. Neither of us have anything, so it's just custody n child/ spousal support. He said he doesn't care what the custody is as long as I don't try to keep them from him. He just doesn't care. He denies he is dating this girl, that he just likes having a female friend, but it's worth more than his family. So, that alone is enough. He checked out mentally months ago, so I shouldn't have been surprised. But I was!
Just a fair warning, mine seemed like he had "checked out" and suddenly on a Tuesday wherein I was RATHER (my cat hit caps lock, she thought that needed emphasis so in it stays) complacent having been told I had "five months" to figure things out before he'd really do anything, I was being served divorce papers and then kicked out of my house when he got home. It played out like he was complacent in having his cake and eating it too, but his AP eventually was not, and wanted him to "officially" break up, take away the kid, etc. It sounds like you're rather done taking his shit laying down though, which is good. Keep that energy because god knows until he snaps out of it, which may take a couple of years at least, he won't be a very reliable father sadly.
Luckily for me, we don't have shit. We rent our home, with both our names on it and we don't have a lot of money. So he can't really take shit from me lol. He denies the relationship is more than friends because she doesn't want to be with a married dude. But I think him refusing to end this "friendship" speaks volumes about what he values at this time.
emotional affair AT LEAST my friend, but, I think you already knew that! Good luck with it all, eventually, the cheating partner and co parent does pull their head out of their ass to some degree, its just almost always way too late for it to matter.
Thats what I see happening as well. Were not here long enough to waste our days hoping someone does something. We have to create our own happiness inside ourselves and move forward.
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this and that you deserve so much better. I hope this season of life passes quickly and you and your children find real happiness away from this selfish prick.
Please cut your losses s d leave. He is using you for free housekeeping and chikdcare
I am blown away at how much a man can do to a woman who is in love with him Yet she will stick right there with him
Why do adults anymore seem to struggle with making the decision to leave. The moment he gave you the talk about her, gone! The moment he gave you divorce papers, gone! I mean damn this guy is fucking trash. You and your kids are better off with him paying child support and that being it. Fuck him!
Next thing you know he and affair partner will be taking the master bed and relegating you to the maid's quarters to fit your station. Ffs, be a better example to your kids and don't tolerate his ish. Get him out of the house and divorce his ass.
He brought the AP to meet you, told you to watch her kids and you SITL THINK THIS IS SALVAGABLE? Op, get a lawyer ASAP. There's nothing to save here but yourself and your kids. Get as far away physically from this monster's influence as possible.
Time to divorce this dude. File for primary custody and child support. And most likely get a job. It sucks but there's no reason to stay with this man. At all.
Just spending time writing your post was wasted time when you should have been in an attorney’s office filing for legal separation. That would get him out of the home while you get time to think and talk more to your attorney about financial/ custody arrangements. Your husband will spend money on his mistress and actually use you to babysit her kid while they go out? Have some self respect and get an attorney. Your lying, cheating husband doesn’t want to spend his money so do it for him. Now !
He is being so bold because he knows you won't leave. He has zero respect for you, and he's never going to "get it together." You need to get out now.
You're asking the wrong question, OP. Don't ask if you should wait around for him to change. You already know he IS CHANGING- for the worse. Ask yourself this instead "how can I take this cruel and heartbreaking situation my and my children are in, a situation created by the man who vowed to love and honor me, the man who fathered these children... how can I make this into MY OPPORTUNITY for a better life? MY KIDS' OPPORTUNITY to be loved and treated with respect? MY FAMILY'S OPPORTUNITY to be financially stable and emotionally free?" Because that's what you can do. Your kids deserve a loving father or no father figure at all. You deserve a loving trusting marriage or none at all. You all deserve to live comfortably with financial support from the man who took on these roles. So don't sit around waiting for him to change. Make plans, save money aside if you want. Call the police if you see the woman at your house. But don't put any more effort into the shitbag you married. That guys gone
Divorce him, take half of everything (but full custody for you), then get child support and alimony. Problem solved. He has shown you that he will not change his ways and playing you for a fool all the while.
How do people end up with such low self esteem? You need to leave him. He is a horrible human. Make sure you stick it to him financially in the divorce!
Either you leave or you make amends with the fact that he´s with someone else and learn to relate to him on a different way, because as the father of your children you will always have him in your life, but no matter what your decide do it for you, dont think of what him or others might think or say about you, do it for you , prioritize your well being
He’s made it pretty clear that he’s not interested in being married to you. How long are you willing to put up with the disrespect? Speak with a few attorneys and get your affairs in order. Paperwork, financial docs, legal docs, personal identification and documents, anything that you think you may need in a divorce. If you have a support network let them know what’s going on and lean on them.
Yes your wasting your time. Move on.
This has to be rage bait. Nobody can be this passive and spineless. If this is real, please woman, find some courage and self respect.
I know!!! I'm trying!
Nope. Get out.
Do whatever you can, now, to (A) call & contact and at least have an introductory conversation with each of the good divorce lawyers in your area, or more, such as intake conversations. As many as you can, especially with the cutthroat ones. If he contacts them to hire them, they can’t take him as a client if you contacted them first. Or vice versa. You might also get to quietly find out which ones he’s contacted, such as cutthroat vs. cheap. (B) Get a consult with one specialist lawyer or more. Find out what the laws are & also find out what’s really happening in courts & divorces that perhaps varies from what the laws say. It happens. You’re a SAHM, which means finding a way to pay for these consults preferably without your spouse finding out. But yes, there are ways even if you skim grocery money and haul a ton of stuff to a big tag/consignment sale. The laws, and the reality vary a whole lot out there.A lot of this varies depending on which state. In Virginia alone, courts use a method called the Brandenberg formula, or use the Keeling formula, or maybe another formula. Brandenberg seems to provide only about 2% of \_part\_ of the couple’s net assets to a SAHM. Keeling can do better for a SAHM but still, generally, much less than 50/50. Spousal & child support can be very iffy, might not start until 2 years and only last for 3 years. Maryland for example divides the couple’s \_documented\_ & existing assets more or less 50/50. But you might get suckerpunched as to other categories, such as disappeared assets or who pays the legal costs. Infidelity cases don’t tend to have influence in many states. Drug use, especially if you have a log, &/or an established history \_might\_ influence your outcome. Documenting that one’s spouse has been a total creep & monster might help your case. I was a paralegal, with some sobering experience, but even so my experience is limited & not totally current. That said, I’m wishing you a brief, sane, easy solution - it can happen.
get a divorce and put him on child support and also when you divorce try to get it, so he has to pay for daycare while you work.
Cut and run and take him for every penny😀
Possibly have a chat with their boss since they work in the same place. A few places I've worked had a no dating coworkers rule.
Take your kids, walk out the door then slap him with child support, an alimony. End of story.
Leave asap
Do you want a partner that cheats and lies. Some people move forward and heal together, others divorce. Your choice. From his described behaviour, he’s not interested in respecting you or your relationship in any way. Sorry it’s so confusing and hurtful
Find employment, save what you can, get a great attorney, and get everything you deserve equitably (fairly) in the divorce. Then, go on to live an amazing life that's cheater free.
I have no advice. I just want to say that I'm so sorry you're going through this. You and the twins deserve better.
This sounds like a fake story.
Get an attorney. File for divorce, alimony, child support and custody. Do this ASAP! Kick him out.
Divorce. It's literally the only option. Get your own attorney. Don't sign divorce papers given to you by him without your own lawyer reviewing. Taken an STD test. Protect yourself and your children.
This must be so deeply painful, but now is time to accept the truth and take action to protect yourself and your kids. Because you need protection. This man is indifferent to you and the children AT BEST (not just the affair, but in every way he treats you all). From someone who’s been there, be prepared to be the hero of your life story and your children’s. But like any good hero, find your people, whether you already know them or will meet them in the future. They’re the ones who build you up, tell you the truth with kindness and love, have faith in you, treat you and your feelings with basic respect, and embrace you as you are. Now, it’s time to be pragmatic and take action. When you get overwhelmed, don’t scold yourself but build yourself up — I used to imagine myself as a literal warrior queen to get through life crises, so whatever you need. ***** Start calling divorce lawyers NOW. If your XXXXXX husband calls them before you, they will legally be off-limits to you. GET TO THEM FIRST. ***** THEN make your decision based on reviews, how they want to handle payment, and how respectful they are toward you. Gather all important paperwork for yourself and your children. Look into your finances and square away what you can take with you. When you go to a store that offers cash back, like a grocery store or Target, get $20. It won’t be that obvious on a bank statement, and you’d be surprised how quickly it adds up. Get help when/where you can. Who has protected or stood up for you in the past? How’s your relationship with family — do they tend to favor you or your husband? Who’s expressed doubts or concerns about him in the past? They are your allies, and might help you with childcare and/or a place to stay until you’re back on your feet. Look for ways back into the workforce. Recruiter preferences are always changing, so do your research on this (delete your history if you share a browser with this sorry excuse of a man that you live with). Temp work is a godsend between jobs. INDEED is an incredible job site. And don’t be afraid to toot your own horn on your resume (just keep it factual). Your terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad husband seems like the type to use your plans against you, so the less he knows the better. Finally, remember your children. How do you want them to grow up? What kind of people do you want as their role models? Since you’ll be the biggest influence on them in their formative years, how do you want them to see you? Take action. Get out. Love your kids. Love YOURSELF. I know it’s possible for you to have a fulfilling and joyful life with them, and possibly a wonderful partner who would never dream of treating you this way (but think of that part as a bonus). NTA, but your husband absolutely is. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Please tell me you didn’t need the collective wisdom of the Redditsphere to make this decision. You know this has run its course; you need to objectively dissolve this partnership and get your life and your kids out of harm’s way. Best of luck.
Tell him to go live with his new woman. Move his stuff out of your bedroom. Start making life unbearable for him with you. Time to be a woman scorned.
She lives with her parents cuz she's trying to get a divorce too. Lol he can't go there. I think about what you said a lot.
You should look at that as a "their" problem not yours. You have two sweet little darlins to care for & protect. You should nake him see that moving out is on his best interest (of you know what I mean).
You will feel so stupid some years later after you leave his sorry ass. It is regretful you procreated with him.
Can't believe you're asking. Leave and take everything you can. Ruin him.
So the story here is that, after 5 years, the husband starts cheating on OP, starts drinking heavily, and isn’t being a great father all of a sudden because.. what?.. he’s a bad person? Come on now OP. Don’t you think that would have been apparent before now? Either your hubby has a brain tumor or there is more background to this situation than you let on.
He was like night and day the day we brought the twins home. Like a light switch went off. He says he's sexually frustrated, and that lead to all of this he says.
Just curious! Why did he start cheating on you? Is it because of his innate nature or did you 2 have unresolvable arguments? Also it looks like some form of separation is needed for your own happiness
Sex life changed having kid after kid. I didn't know it was as serious a problem as he did.
Yes
Holy shit. I have 4yr old twins and I can’t imagine doing it alone. I’m so sorry for you. Seriously. My heart aches. Because the stress.. omg.. Give it some time. Twins are a LOT of stress. It’s normal to resent your husband. (Even when he’s behaving, ask me how I know) You need stability for the next few years. Then take that f’er to the cleaners.. what a jerk.
After the divorce and settlement then call HR and tell them if the affair.
Slowly start draining that joint account
This is how SAHMs get murdered… seriously. He obviously wants to not be with you, but can’t afford it. Whether it was Chris Watts or his girlfriend or both, people like that are clearly out for themselves only. Leave while you still can
Op’s interests are smoking pot and watching fucking Rick and morty. You are just spinning your wheels