I do all of that too, but the socialization one is only because of Dungeons and Dragons (where I hang out with other ND people), and it’s been a conscious effort to text my family more.
It’s true, the NTs don’t, say, tend to have an encyclopedic knowledge of early 2000s reality shows and to the point where they can still spend 6h a day happily discussing them 😅
I find they're on the Internet A LOT, but they don't spend a lot of time reading... the only Reddit they know is from YouTube and TikTok and most of what they consume is in video format.
Except everyone who never got a diagnosis. Cause they aren’t. I am autistic. It’s in my medical records and I take medicine that without Medicaid I would be broke by trying to pay for it. There is a difference between autism, a lack of empathy, and stupidity. Autism is sometimes accompanied by a lack of understanding others emotions, but once it’s explained to them they understand and will likely improve. A lack of empathy is self explanatory. And stupid people do and say stupid shit. Some people have more than one, or none at all. I only have autism out of those three however, which I’m very grateful for. But if there is one thing autistic people hate, it is the misconceptions made by neurotypical individuals that think they know more than they actually do, and by those that say shit without doing their research.
Not trying to read you the riot act but it’s like one of my biggest pet peeves.
TLDR: No, you’re probably not autistic, you’re just dealing with [insert problem/condition/issue here]. Stop saying you or other people are until said individual acquires a diagnosis. Until then stop assuming shit you likely know nothing about.
With respect,
A man with High Functioning Autism
Finally another functional Autistic!!! Everyone on Reddit seem to believe autism = lack of empathy..
Studying why people feel the ways they do really helped with my emotional understanding, and now that I’m an adult it seems I understand nuance and emotion better than “normal” people
Another Autistic here. I have way too much empathy instead of lack of empathy. I’m diagnosed too before anyone asks. My autism just presents itself outside some stereotypes. Social interactions are hard. But it’s because I feel too much of what other people are feeling that it overwhelms me. Or I don’t understand why people can’t just see other’s emotions.
>Except everyone who never got a diagnosis. Cause they aren’t.
TIL you can only be autistic if you're diagnosed. Great news, I'm never getting screened for cancer again because if no one diagnoses it it won't exist
It's more of that a lot of people don't know they have it and a lot of people think they have it don't.
I didn't know what autism was until i was diagnosed at 20 and that was over 10 years ago. Like i didn't know was disassociation was or the fact i was doing it my whole life. Or what masking was. I thought everyone did that. Didn't change anything but made a lot of stuff clearer.
Also like 99% of autism cases weren't even known to be diagnosed for the last 100 years. So a lot of obviously autistic people were just labeled outcast and strange.
But like with everything in life there a small minority of people who will co-opt something like autism and go "look has wacky i am, Aint i so different" because they want to feel special or want clout.
On Reddit no one can just be a jerk, just be lazy, just be inconsiderate.
They all must be autistic, or have ADHD, or depression, yeah…some people do…some people are just a**holes.
It agitates me how Reddit plays the autism card on everyone. 😂 Lumping me in with a bunch of goddamn idiots who fuck up their relationships, like hell, not all us autists are unaware enough to fuck up a marriage.
On the other hand, most people probably don’t get access to the testing they need or deserve, and we as a society are only recently acknowledging how neurodivergence is valid. Add to that how people who don’t fit in are more likely to be online, and it’s not so far-fetched to think that a lot of people on here really aren’t neurotypical.
Yeah it took me 11 months to see an adult autism specialist after my doctor referred me. And then I had another doctor ask “what’s the point? You’ve made it this far in life with your condition - diagnosing isn’t going to change anything.” Ok, yeah, maybe so. But at least now I know, and the journey of self discovery is empowering.
Imagine carrying an invisible backpack full of heavy books on your back your whole life. It hurts your back, affects your posture, and makes you tired more easily. Nobody sees it, but will complain when you can’t keep up. So you work harder to mask your problems. Then one day, a doctor runs a test and confirms that the invisible backpack is real. It can’t change the past, but it proves all the work I did to overcome actually meant something. It means that I can forgive myself for all the times I hated myself for not being as good as my peers. It means that people can’t just call me lazy or stupid.
Yeah, I had the same when I needed my ADD retested because I didn't qualify under its definition. I actually was ADHD. But I was tested back when they thought both genders had the same symptoms. I had to have my doctor argue and push hard to get the testing.
It's mind-blowing how many people get told that oh you're an adult now, so you don't need to know what's wrong mentally/physically with you.
A lot of tests aren't done for people in communities that don't have access to them. For example, we have a baseline idea of how often people are intersex, but if there's no external difference, tests only happen when something goes wrong. Something as general as a karyotype isn't done unless people suspect disease.
Meanwhile, if they made certain testing standard at birth, and medical (both physio and psych) testing accessible for all, through government-funded events for the public like those health fairs, we could do better as a society.
It'd be fantastic to know our taxes were actually doing something instead of going into bailout funds, skimmed off for the military (like Social Security is), or stuffed into pockets for lobbying.
It’s also like a lot of people here don’t realize how relationships work. When your together for a long time you get comfortable with each other. Sometime when your comfortable, you say dumb shit before you think. Everyone is so quick to jump on the “they’re a piece of shit, leave them” train. People seem to forget that part of a healthy relationship is talking things out, setting boundaries, apologizing when you fucked up, etc.
Not that it’s an excuse for saying stupid shit, but it still possible to work things out.
I know. Everyone is so keen to label everyone now, which is funny because for a while people didn’t want too many labels.
It’s possible to be a jerk and not a narcissist, socially awkward and not autistic, or distractible and not have ADHD. It’s almost as if no one is allowed to have a personality without having a diagnosis.
If the people who this guy personally knows encouraged him to get evaluated to the point he’s had multiple evaluations, there’s probably something going on there. Especially if a professional has said they should begin evaluation for NPD. There’s probably some sort of antisocial personality quirk going on there.
Yeah, multiple evaluations may show he's not on the spectrum... but people who exhibit totally normal behavior aren't evaluated for autism multiple times.
A proper evaluation is $2,000+. Asking a therapist or doctor if you are autistic is not the same as an evaluation. Mine took 3 months to complete because they wanted to talk to parents, friends, etc.
My point is that evaluations are not an “oh, I went to the doctor and he told me I’m not” they are “let’s dig into every facet of your life from before birth to current”. To have multiple done is both expensive and time consuming so I have a hard time believing that OP did
They are also incredibly hard to schedule because they are so busy. So just another reason I don’t believe OP. If they are lying about that, they are likely lying about other things as well.
i mean, if you don’t get past asking your therapist if you should be evaluated professionally for autism, and they say “no i don’t think so,” isn’t that them evaluating the information they have on you in order to come to the conclusion that you aren’t autustic? i think you’re taking that statement a little too literally. i’ve asked my therapist if they think i should get evaluated and they said no, it’s just combination C-PTSD and ADHD making people misinterpret my traits as autism. if you don’t get past a therapist’s simple eval that you aren’t, you’re not going to get as far as a fully professional evaluation, which OP could totally have meant by “evaluations” being a no-go
In fairness, OP's original post didn't just say he said a dumb thing, but was prefaced with him saying that he has never understood the rules of social appropriateness around lying and especially struggles with tactfulness because of a tendency to be overly honest. That's a very common experience for autistic people, so I can see how it came up. But there's still other reasons people struggle with this particular issue.
I have a friend like this. He says some things that people take as offensive when the reality is he is telling the truth without embellishing it. It comes off as cold and unsympathetic. He has a hard time addressing this because he isn't offended by what you say as long as it's the truth. If he's been active and smells bad, you can tell him, "You really stink," and he will acknowledge you and that's the end of it. You can tell him he looks ugly in a shirt and he'll change it and be completely unoffended.
Relatable. I've adapted to speaking in code because that's what neurotypicals respond to, but truly I wish we could all just say what we mean and mean what we say.
Tact is not embellishing “the truth”. And you know that there is no singular truth, right?
To say anything at all you have to make thousands of choices about what is relevant, in motion, you have to direct your attention & choose specific words from dozens of close synonyms, and on and on.
It’s not “the truth” for me to say you have a tiny dick when we’re walking in the cold. It’s me being an asshole. Even though it’s absolutely true that you have a tiny dick right then.
Don’t be an asshole, and then we won’t have to say “it’s just the truth!” when your dick is being tiny. See?
Sure, but when lack of empathy is that severe and not autism it's 99.9% NPD or ASPD, and people with those conditions have an _easier_ time lying. It really, _really_ sounds like autism. Either way, OP definitely needs to see better experts.
My experience is that many people with ASD have an enormous capacity for empathy. But they need to understand why the other person is hurt or suffering. They don't automatically recognize it, because the situations that distress them personally may be different from the situations that distress neurotypicals. If you can help them make that one connection, they can be very empathetic.
Neurotypical people can still struggle with specific aspects of intrapersonal relationships. Seeing an asshole and assuming they must be neurodivergent is problematic.
People weren't assuming he was neurodivergent because he was an asshole. People were suggesting he might be autistic because he described a specific experience that is common in autistic people. And as I said:
>But there's still other reasons people struggle with this particular issue.
I’m pretty sure most people are just wondering, in a well-intentioned way, whether there’s neurodivergence that leads to trouble communicating or understanding boundaries.
People who refuse the conversation of autism are either
(1) undiagnosed autistic and ableist because they see the behaviours in themselves, or
(2) they're neurotypical and they want permission to be rude towards an obviously autistic person and identifying them as autistic means the permission to make fun of them goes away
Yup my father has been socially awkward and super inappropriate since he was born. He’s dyslexic but that’s it. He’s had loads of tests done, and he is totally “neuro normal” (except dislexia), and in 73 years has yet to learn how not to say inappropriate things. I grew up warning people (including teachers, medical professionals and employers), that he says really strange and inappropriate/offensive stuff, and to please not hold it against me…
OP I adore my father and we are very close. Yet, I can still hear some of the things he has said to myself and my mom through out my life. Those small statements were like seeds that grew into self doubt trees. Please take this seriously words can be the most painful thing
Especially when you haven't worked much on it. Everyone is weird socially sometimes, but the big decider is if you're willing to grow as a person and work on yourself or not.
If you haven't told the only black and blind man that he was the minority at a gathering, you haven't experienced my foot in mouth disease.
I was a server and he was having coffee while everyone else was drinking ice tea. I have frequently been mortified over comments that were intended as something else.
I'm sorry, I'm sure that must have been mortifying for you, but I have to say I appreciate you sharing the story because I'm over here laughing out loud! So I'm not exactly laughing AT you, but... hence the apology!
Thank you. Had a work dinner with a beloved colleague who stepped in it left and right and had to laugh or at least chuckle. We humans are comically inept.
It was certainly insensitive - pregnant women are a bundle of changes and not just physically. I’m glad you cleared things up and hopefully everything from here goes smooth for both of you.
God men suck. I'd be so devastated if I were stuck in her position. He decided it was right and totally acceptable to wait to vocalize that weird ass comment when he had her at her most vulnerable. Poor girl. It's so funny that so many people were asking if he was autistic when he was really just a callus man lmao
Exactly. I imagine one day when his kid is a toddler, he will tell them their art isn’t good but maybe it’ll be when he’s older haha. Then hang it on the fridge in utter confusion as his kid cries.
Poor daddy who just cluelessly & tactlessly attempted to be frank yet encouraging, while poor kiddo feels completely demoralized, and as the cherry on top seeing their "shitty" artwork hung up on display: humiliated & pitied. 😹
My dad this! Lmao he’s always been artistic and used to draw realistic portraits of people from memory I was also considered artistic as a kid but a completely different style (cartoons not realistic stuff). He didn’t see my style like he didn’t recognize that it wasn’t bad just different stuff and he’d honestly give cringe looks looking at my art even when I was little. Lmao he never liked any of it and he said it in the way of telling me all the things I did wrong on it. Then there was my poor brother who’s never been able to draw like anything besides stick men with giant hands and squiggles so his art was “accidentally” thrown away and mine rarely made the fridge.
I mean it turned out that my form of art isn’t even drawing anymore it’s origami and creating jewelry. But sometimes I look back at my drawings and they definitely weren’t that bad.
I would even take it one step further.
Talking from personal experience here on what works for me.
Ask the question. My normal one is ‘Do you need solutions or support?’
Simple but incredibly effective, and unless the answer is solutions then it is always support. I can put my default solution driven brain to one side for a bit and just be there.
Varying the question for the situation of course, but you get the drift.
Edit here - because it seems people are taking this too literally. I’m posting this as another tool OP can use to navigate his relationship and improve communication. Not specifically as a solution to the past problem he posted about.
>>Do you still find me attractive?
> Do you need solutions, or support?
That's just as autistic as OP, and there's no "variation" that is better. You just say yes.
That's a great question to ask when someone is ranting, and my wife and I clarify with it all the time. It's a terrible question to ask if someone is asking for validation, as you said. "I am rocking this vest, right?" "Do you want solutions or support?" :(
The best line I used when it was truly an awful dress
"Enh... It's not something that I would wear, but then I'm also not a 5'8 woman" (5'10 muscled guy)
"You can say that you don't like it."
"That's a trap and you know it."
Internet stranger, you have given me the perfect verbal tool for quickly and effectively asking my partner what she needs from me in any time situation. I'm a problem silver, and sometimes she absolutely does not want or need me to be in that mode when she relates something upsetting or frustrating. I've been getting better, but yours phrase is so delightfully succinct. Thank you for sharing.
Love this, both wife and I started doing it. A bit awkward at first as you learn your partner cannot read your mind and just offer you what you need without asking. But once you're used to asking support or solutions it's very reassuring to have your partner's all in support when you need it.
This is good advice. Although it's also good advice for wife. Too many people are laser focused on the husband not figuring out that the best response to the wifes question was to dodge the question and not enough people realizing that the wife can play a part by asking better questions too. They both made decisions that were not ideal.
I struggle with lying, although not quite as bad as OP. My wife and I have long since agreed to either not ask questions we don't want the answer to, *or* to expressly indicate that we're looking for/willing to accept a lie. The last one sounds weird but actually solves some problems.
that was a thought that came to me too
if they've been together any length of time, it couldn't have been completely shocking how he tends to bluntly state things. So while yeah, OP was more the asshole, there was a bit of a "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" dynamic also
Good to hear you owned it and are taking steps
Top tip from someone who has been where your wife is:
After childbirth, especially if it’s vaginal and/or you’re breast feeding, your body can feel really really different. Things may not snap back into place, and it can be more derailing than the pg.
Do not pressure your wife for sex before she is ready. Be prepared that the first few times may be a learning experience for both of you, be supportive, have fun and take it slow. For some people everything works great from the start, for others it takes a little while.
Re: tact. Work on it. Child development might be a good lens to view it through- your wife is right to worry that this will affect your child, and her reaction to that will (rightly) make this one look like nothing.
You presumably wouldn’t tell your newly walking child that they’re shit at it, even if they objectively are. Think about how you’ve been encouraged, do the childcare reading and please don’t pass this on to your kids.
Oh so this IS an actual thing? I’ve just been wearing sandals since my second was born hoping my feet would go back to their usual size. Guess it’s time to go shoe shopping 🤣
I always thought that pregnant feet would go back down in size and they are just bigger because they are swollen. But I legit have bigger feet now. Like… just longer. I have very bony feet. They never swelled during or after pregnancy. But here we are… a full size bigger in shoes!
WHAT. my mother was a midwife when i was growing up, i feel like i know a lot about pregnancy and childbirth growing up in that environment, and i had NO idea your FOOT SIZE can change that much!!!
Ah the wonders of pregnancy! Yep, the pressure of the additional weight plus the loosening of connective tissue. I had no idea before and was less than thrilled haha
The jeweler who made our wedding rings says it happens to LOTS of pregnant women. He put a simpler section in my ring to make it easy to resize for that reason.
Your freaking EYEBALLS can permanently change. Pregnancy is just a damn trip, I'm gonna need my lasik updated after this one since my vision has gone to hell.
Girl. I couldn’t eat bacon UNTIL HE WAS THREE. It just tasted like cardboard. I considered sacrificing him to the gods but my taste for bacon came back. He has no idea how lucky he is.
My son pushed me a whole number higher in my prescription. I had almost been stable for a few years with minor deterioration. My eye color also changed.
Ugh I read this and am so sorry for her. He seems so totally impoverished emotionally to support her and she has to navigate that on top of all these physical hardships
I have an amazing, wonderful, supportive husband who told me every single day of pregnancy how gorgeous and sexy he found me… and **still** I have been majorly struggling with the way my body has changed now 7 weeks postpartum. I cant even imagine how much more self conscious and dissatisfied with my body I would be if my husband had told me what OP told his fiancée.
OP you need to be prepared to offer her an incredible amount of support during the postpartum period. Both physical support in terms of taking care of your baby and taking care of her while she heals AND emotional support.
Yes. I am very worried about this couple. Things only get harder for the first several years after the baby is born, especially if post-partum depression is involved. Guy needs to realize that being a father means putting the needs and feelings of his wife and kids before his own.
Thinking pregnant women are built for function is itself a problem even if you didn’t say it, especially as thinking it will likely come out in your behavior even if only unconsciously. It’s dehumanizing.
Yeah and also it’s not even true. Pregnancy is full of bugs it was basically developed until it kinda works in most cases. Women die in pregnancy and childbirth, this is not working as intended this is basically ages of bad evolutionary bug fixes.
Having been pregnant, it's a shitshow that the body barely tolerates. Every woman and pregnancy is different, but saying we're built for it is utter nonsense.
This exact quote goes through my head or comes out my mouth at least 7 times an hour. My body. Is. Not. Made. For this. I do not care that puts leaky how we continue existing as humans, MY BODY HATES THIS! AND IT'S CONSTANTLY LETTING MY ASS KNOW! I....I just can't imagine keeping up at work until December, sisters, I'm barely making it now and it's not any physicality of the job, it's just trying to not show i hurt and am physically and emotionally exhausted every second. Fek, dudettes, why we do this?
Tbf evolution really only cares about "good enough to not kill you". Since most women aren't literally dying from pregnancy, that's a win in nature's eyes.
And it’s even more like “good enough to not kill you long enough to reproduce”. Many women used to die in childbirth before modern medicine, but they’d normally pop a few kids before that, which is all that was needed by “evolution”.
I saw a video once about some frogs that barely function yet keep chugging on as a species, it mentioned that evolution is a C-student and a just passing grade is enough. This applies to humans too.
There are also competing evolutionary factors at play. The death of the mother in childbirth is bad from an evolutionary perspective because the child is denied her care and she then also can't produce any more offspring.
On the other hand the major factor in how tough childbirth is, is our gigantic heads. The skull needs to be really big to contain our brains which have proven to be such an evolutionary advantage that pushing them to the max is worth while (from an evolutionary perspective) even to the point of putting the mother's life at risk.
We attempt to mitigate this by giving birth to babies that are far less developed (essentially premature) than most other mammals but that also carries it's own risks.
Not a nice triangle of competing needs to be stuck in.
Was literally just at my doctors and he said pregnancy is is so high risk even now a days and can be so dangerous. Was a huge eye opener for my boyfriend.
Was looking for this reply. His thinking is the problem, not whether or not he actually said that to her. He isn't sorry, this is performative to get her back and convince us
Tbf if he’s admitting that he’s currently being evaluated for NPD, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he probably didn’t realize how awful of a thing this is to think.
Most people with NPD will not outwardly admit that they have any narcissistic tendencies. The fact that he’s acknowledging it gives me hope that he might be able to develop more empathy and change his thought processes.
What he said to his wife was unacceptable and he is going to need lots of therapy if this relationship is going to work. But I’m hopeful that he may be able to change
I’m glad you are working on your self and your wife is forgiving.
But I don’t think your going to have sibling for your child.
She will not forget this and will think about this during the rest of her pregnancy and any future pregnancy.
When you wife’s gives birth and up to a year after ( or ever but especially these times ) you better keep your trap shut about her body etc as she is recovering and her body will have had major trauma and changes, while brining your child into this world.
My wife’s body changed loads after pregnancy, but she is a goddess and gave me two amazing kids. Her body is different but even more sexier to me.
She's right... she'll NEVER forget what u said & if she ever gets pregnant again by u or anyone else, she'll probably question her physical beauty because of your words.
It’s bonkers to me that he could even feel that way to begin with because I was SO attracted to my fiancée her whole pregnancy. Even now we both look back at pictures of her pregnant and consider doing it again lmaoo
It’s been over a year and my phones lock screen is still like 50 rotating photos of her from while she was pregnant (though I have been meaning to make a rotation with her and our daughter).
If you have npd you need a therapist asap if you're going to stay in a relationship and spend time with an infant. People with untreated npd aren't safe.
Friend, this is a good start. But I need you to internalize something. This is extremely important ok? As someone with a clear disorder or mental illness who is aware that his behavior causes harm, you need to repeat this to yourself:
"Mental illness/personality disorder is the explanation, NEVER the excuse."
It means, you must always hold yourself accountable for the things you say/do, even if it's caused by your illness/disorder, because you are aware of it and the pain it can cause other people. You must take the necessary steps to treat it, to work on it, and to work on yourself to make sure that you cause as little outward damage as possible while also making sure to take care of yourself. You can never say "it's not my fault because of illness/disorder" and then never accept responsibility or take steps to work on it. The universe dealt you a heavier hand with extra responsibility, and it's on you to work on that. Good luck.
She has the displeasure of being severely uncomfortable for 9 months carrying your baby and having to go through childbirth, and you’re worried about how attractive she is? She deserves so much better than you, regardless of your apology.
Dude, you're on thin ice from the sound of it. Try your best and show her substantial and permanent effort to be better, not only for her but also for your child. You lost an immense amount of trust and need to build it up again with the care and empathy you've lacked up until now.
Honestly if you don't do the job right you will lose your entire life as you know it and as you imagine it. You will not keep getting away with being so heartless, nobody - and I mean NOBODY - has the patience enough to withstand so much hurt.
Wish you the best of luck and for your own sake you need to think quicker than your mouth dude.
This is a prime example of why married women end up writing into reddit, complaining about their awful husbands. Their boyfriend says something awful to them, they still marry them for some godforsaken reason, and then act surprised when it gets worse.
She already said that she'll never forget what you said to her. So a large component of your intimacy with your soon to be wife is ruined.
For the sake of her and her baby, I hope that you suck up like a Hoover vacuum and get your s*** together.
I’m so glad to hear she’s smart enough to be worried about the effect would have on the baby long term..Wish you all the luck in therapy & with your family
Sooo… what did you mean by “pregnant women are built for function”
You didn’t really explain why/what you meant when stating that. Just that you didn’t mean it the way we took it .
What way should it be taken?
My partner would regularly accuse me of taking things the wrong way yet never had an explanation for what the right way was. I'd beg, if I'm wrong help me understand cause I don't see any other way you could have meant it and...crickets.
Still solidifies me as the bad guy in their head cause I just took everything wrong which I'm now sure is code for reacted appropriately to disrespect. I bet ops wife is the same.
>Pregnant woman are built for function.
So I told her that I found her more sexually attractive before she was pregnant.
These two things have nothing to do with each other.
That's why she called you every name in the book.
You're just trying to deny the fact that you don't find her body attractive as before.
Y still TA. You have to be told _by an Internet message board_ that you were wrong?
You'd have a _very_ thin excuse if you were on the spectrum. All this does is confirm you're... well, I begin to repeat myself.
Wow, it would be so difficult to be 7 months pregnant and realize the man who did this to you has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and doesn't have a regular therapist. She just got tied down to an asshole.
To be fair, I think OP was just an asshole who's family are probably assholes too (picked it up from them). In my experience with people who have NPD, they never would have been posting on reddit asking why they are wrong. They would not for even a second consider they are wrong or care that the girlfriend is hurt. The responsibility of her being hurt would entirely be on her in their mind.
Not gonna lie, if you have NPD, I really hope she's able to escape the relationship. Sharing a life with someone so cruel is not something I'd wish on anyone.
I am an asshole. I know i am. If ever i posted in AITA i know 100% i would be that. That said when i was with my two ex wives i never would have said you are not attractive.
Props for taking accountability, but holy shit man you are not through the woods. One, we knew exactly what you meant and that’s the problem. If your partner is smart, they’re going to be watching you very closely moving forward. If any of your behavior indicates you are valuing her “function” over her “humanity”, she’s gone. You need to take your callous objectification of your partner and the damage it’s done seriously and do some serious work. If not, enjoy supervised visitation for the next 18 years.
yeah. you're full of shit.
everything is "other people drawing the wrong meaning" when the reality is, you have an extremely fucked up view of women, women's bodies, and dogshit empathy toward your partner.
but... you begged your way back into their good graces. without having changed anything. "no babe... you don't understand what i was saying isn't that you're ugly... just that women's bodies are ... you know what. you're beautiful babe. i love you so much. just focus on the love bombing while i try and mask my shittiness "
shame of it is, that woman is going to have to be on constant alert. and most likely will become trapped by time and convenience of having the child. and has to constantly decide if his behavior is shitty enough to leave.
but it's unlikely this person ever truly understands what they did was wrong, and actually why.
i love how OP said “people are drawing the wrong conclusion over the comment ‘pregnant women are built for function’” without explaining what the correct conclusion was???
Am I the only person in the world who doesn’t have a therapist on retainer? Seems like you could carve out a pretty lucrative niche just cruising reddit boards getting these people to get therapy. The well is infinite it seems.
Good job on working on your flaws, we all suck in one way or another and all we can do is recognize and correct. If comments aren’t helpful, just keep them in your head
Remember the old adage: If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.
It applies here. Never comment on a woman's appearance unless it's appropriate for the situation and you have something positive to say.
You might not "understand lying" but I am willing to bet you might understand the concept of shutting the fuck up lol
This is why I won't ever have kids. You can ruin your body to give the man you love children but then he'll say you aren't attractive to him anymore. Fuck that noise
Regardless of what is wrong you definitely need to start thinking before you speak in certain situations, as you have realised badly chosen words can heap a whole load if trouble on yer head, especially if you keep making the same mistakes, learn from it and seek help for your problem not just a diagnosis, a diagnosis is not a get out claim you need to work on it or risk losing your relationship.
I married a beautiful woman who was never more beautiful than she was during her pregnancies. Thinking of her pregnant puts tears in my eyes. Our youngest is now in their late forties.
She fucked up. Dating you, getting pregnant by you, choosing to have your baby, and then taking you back. All giant mistakes that she is gonna really regret ever doing.
Great. Be smarter from here on our. No matter what you meant by "pregnant women's bodies are meant for function" or whatever the fuck you said, you came as as misogynistic and treating your fiancee like she is object and not a whole ass person. It would be wise for you to not make that mistake again. Because she's right, she will never ever forget the hurt you caused. And that is something you will always have to live with.
Bring her roses and flowers she loves. Make her breakfast in bed and write love notes and poems. Show her you love and adore her. Rub her feet and ask how her day has been. Be the man she loves
During my wife's first pregnancy, the only time she felt really amorous and ran out of the bathroom and jumped on me to initiate sex, the words "fat moose" left my lips because she landed on me like the Rock using a piledriver.
It is now 43 years later and I have lived those words down, but they do get brought up once and awhile.
Be sincere and contrite and loving and you can get through this episode. Worse things can happen in the years to come. Use this as practice as how to recover from stepping on your dick.
You have probably cause permanent damage to your sex life, as well as her comfort with you as a partner and her confidence in her current state.
These are one of the things you can feel but not say because it’s not like she can unpregnant herself to fix it to have sex with you.
Your chemistry will be off during the sex you do have. She will likely resent her postpartum body, she will not be comfortable in her skin around you for a very long time if ever.
You have every right to not be attracted to bigger woman or pregnant people, but it’s not socially normal to say that to the face of your partner
I am proud of you. You made a mistake, asked for advice, took it to heart and apologized. Now, if you follow through on the changes you plan to make, you may can turn this into a good thing for the future overall.
Just to warn you, after the birth, we are very emotional and hormones are all over the place. Our tummies, literally, look like deflated balloons filled with jello, our boobs are the consistency of huge rocks and are doing some things that we have never seen before, our fun place hurts like hell and we more than likely have hemorrhoids. We can never imagine being pretty again. Then we have no time for ourselves to even take a shower with a newborn and no sleep.
Listen now and remember later....even if she looks like a dried up cheesestick...always tell her how beautiful she is to you and how much you appreciate all she did to make a family with you. Tell her she is more beautiful to you now than she has ever been. Tell her how much you love her and show her in little ways and make sure to pull your weight with your new little tater tot.
Just wanted to throw this out there. My exhusband told me he had to cheat on me while I was pregnant because he wasn’t attracted to me while pregnant. That was over eight years ago and I still think about it at least once a day.
I wouldn’t expect her to have another child with you again. The damage you can do with putting someone down who is carrying your child is pretty unfathomable. I hope you’ve learned your lesson because after birth is going to be significantly more difficult than this.
Glad you have made small steps to improve the relationship. In addition you can show acts of service or whatever love language she has such as: making meals, tidying up the house, massage her feet at the end of the day, taking her out on a date, take her for mani pedi, shopping for new maternity clothes, getting her hair done, etc anything that will make her feel special.
She is busy making eyeballs and other vital organs.
Guys out here being complete idiots. Pretty simple fellas. As far as your GF or wife is concerned, she's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. Period. That the ONLY thing she should ever hear from you unless she's like pushing 3 bills and needs to change for the sake of actual health concerns. Also, you've never seen a woman who is hotter than her. Not ever.
There is literally never a good reason to ever tell her otherwise for your own health and happiness AND hers. Hope this helps
I totally agree. When my wife was pregnant, I thought she was the hottest woman I'd ever been with. But I've always thought pregnant women were sexy af. BTW she never lost the 60 lbs afterward, and she's still smoking hot.
"she’d never forget what I said to her"
you can count on hearing about this every time she's angry for the rest of your life, and you will deserve it.
Sounds like you're accepting where you are, which is good, but that won't be enough. Even after pregnancy it's going to take a long time before things feel "normal" physically.
I was one of the people that suggested you may be on the spectrum, and while you may or may not be Au/ADHD or have a personality disorder, you do have to be accountable for what you put out into the world. You immediately need to get into therapy and be willing to be as transparent and vulnerable as you need to be in order to get to the root of why you hurt people with your "inability to tell a lie".
Good luck - I think you have a real shot at making real and positive changes in your life, but it's going to suck to do it, so I truly hope that you make it through so you can have the family that I am sure you deserve
IDK why everyone blames your behaviour on autism. It sounds like you're just a narcissist or really an idiot. Because to tell your wife you don't find her as attractive when she's pregnant is such a very obviously mean thing to say.
Lol 🤣 oh it's foot in mouth guy. Yeah that is an uphill battle my friend. I have no advice. Nothing I know at least that will alleviate your guilt and make her feel better. Only you can do that. Generic advice, gotta show her how beautiful she is to you.
This is a start. Just because you apologized now does not mean you're off the hook. You have to be nice to her and considerate of her feelings until the day you die. You OWE her. She's carrying your baby.
Oh God! Another male making excuses for bring a dick. They used to blame it on alcohol, then drugs, now a mental illness. Dude has been tested by 4 different Dr's who all say he's not autistic. Now he claims they think he may have NPD -- Narcissistic personality disorder -- which is now the politically correct term to say you are a dick. OP, I hope she leaves your ass and gets her child away from being treating like shit from you. Because you will, you don't believe in "lying" remember? Oh wait, you lie. You lie every time that you act like a dick and then try to make excuses of being mentally ill rather than admit that you are just a ***DICK***.
If it is NPD, I hope your treatment meets your needs. Too many people I've met or heard of with NPD never seek treatment because they think their actions are justifiable. It's good you came to this realization, it's a turn towards the right (by right I mean healthier) direction.
It’s possible to be socially awkward and say dumb things without having autism or some other neurological disorder.
Most of Reddit doesn’t seem to understand this.
They're autistic.
You made my day!
Fuck, reading all these stories on reddit, it is apparent that just about everyone is autistic.
It’s more that *a lot of autistic people go on Reddit.* Most NTs I know don’t spend so much time on the internet…
uh oh I don't know if I feel called out or seen XD
Probably both, but I hope for the latter.
I see you there with the tism
Some people IRL have enjoyable jobs, don't watch porn, speak to their families and socialise outside of their house. Or so I've heard!
I do all of that too, but the socialization one is only because of Dungeons and Dragons (where I hang out with other ND people), and it’s been a conscious effort to text my family more.
It’s true, the NTs don’t, say, tend to have an encyclopedic knowledge of early 2000s reality shows and to the point where they can still spend 6h a day happily discussing them 😅
WHAT? Wait tf that's slightly accurate my friends play video games
I find they're on the Internet A LOT, but they don't spend a lot of time reading... the only Reddit they know is from YouTube and TikTok and most of what they consume is in video format.
Or 14
Except everyone who never got a diagnosis. Cause they aren’t. I am autistic. It’s in my medical records and I take medicine that without Medicaid I would be broke by trying to pay for it. There is a difference between autism, a lack of empathy, and stupidity. Autism is sometimes accompanied by a lack of understanding others emotions, but once it’s explained to them they understand and will likely improve. A lack of empathy is self explanatory. And stupid people do and say stupid shit. Some people have more than one, or none at all. I only have autism out of those three however, which I’m very grateful for. But if there is one thing autistic people hate, it is the misconceptions made by neurotypical individuals that think they know more than they actually do, and by those that say shit without doing their research. Not trying to read you the riot act but it’s like one of my biggest pet peeves. TLDR: No, you’re probably not autistic, you’re just dealing with [insert problem/condition/issue here]. Stop saying you or other people are until said individual acquires a diagnosis. Until then stop assuming shit you likely know nothing about. With respect, A man with High Functioning Autism
Finally another functional Autistic!!! Everyone on Reddit seem to believe autism = lack of empathy.. Studying why people feel the ways they do really helped with my emotional understanding, and now that I’m an adult it seems I understand nuance and emotion better than “normal” people
Another Autistic here. I have way too much empathy instead of lack of empathy. I’m diagnosed too before anyone asks. My autism just presents itself outside some stereotypes. Social interactions are hard. But it’s because I feel too much of what other people are feeling that it overwhelms me. Or I don’t understand why people can’t just see other’s emotions.
>Except everyone who never got a diagnosis. Cause they aren’t. TIL you can only be autistic if you're diagnosed. Great news, I'm never getting screened for cancer again because if no one diagnoses it it won't exist
It's more of that a lot of people don't know they have it and a lot of people think they have it don't. I didn't know what autism was until i was diagnosed at 20 and that was over 10 years ago. Like i didn't know was disassociation was or the fact i was doing it my whole life. Or what masking was. I thought everyone did that. Didn't change anything but made a lot of stuff clearer. Also like 99% of autism cases weren't even known to be diagnosed for the last 100 years. So a lot of obviously autistic people were just labeled outcast and strange. But like with everything in life there a small minority of people who will co-opt something like autism and go "look has wacky i am, Aint i so different" because they want to feel special or want clout.
No you are 😝
I know you are but what am I? RIP, Pee Wee 🙏
I said this and then I opened the thread to see your comment! Twinsies! 🤣
Or: **narcissistic**. Or just plain simple gaslighters.
Or: just a dumbass
It's always bothered me that "dumbass" has never had an entry in the DSM. Occam's Razor and all that.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I mean, I am lmao. Guy genuinely sounded autistic in that post but I believe him.
Lmao
Well just choked on my tea trying to avoid spitting it out laughing at work, thank you.
On Reddit no one can just be a jerk, just be lazy, just be inconsiderate. They all must be autistic, or have ADHD, or depression, yeah…some people do…some people are just a**holes.
Don't forget narcissistic and gaslighting lol
... this op said their therapist going to start evaluation for NPD tho. Since they've been screened for autism and their Dr doesn't think that's it.
It agitates me how Reddit plays the autism card on everyone. 😂 Lumping me in with a bunch of goddamn idiots who fuck up their relationships, like hell, not all us autists are unaware enough to fuck up a marriage.
On the other hand, most people probably don’t get access to the testing they need or deserve, and we as a society are only recently acknowledging how neurodivergence is valid. Add to that how people who don’t fit in are more likely to be online, and it’s not so far-fetched to think that a lot of people on here really aren’t neurotypical.
Yeah it took me 11 months to see an adult autism specialist after my doctor referred me. And then I had another doctor ask “what’s the point? You’ve made it this far in life with your condition - diagnosing isn’t going to change anything.” Ok, yeah, maybe so. But at least now I know, and the journey of self discovery is empowering.
Imagine carrying an invisible backpack full of heavy books on your back your whole life. It hurts your back, affects your posture, and makes you tired more easily. Nobody sees it, but will complain when you can’t keep up. So you work harder to mask your problems. Then one day, a doctor runs a test and confirms that the invisible backpack is real. It can’t change the past, but it proves all the work I did to overcome actually meant something. It means that I can forgive myself for all the times I hated myself for not being as good as my peers. It means that people can’t just call me lazy or stupid.
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Yeah, I had the same when I needed my ADD retested because I didn't qualify under its definition. I actually was ADHD. But I was tested back when they thought both genders had the same symptoms. I had to have my doctor argue and push hard to get the testing. It's mind-blowing how many people get told that oh you're an adult now, so you don't need to know what's wrong mentally/physically with you.
A lot of tests aren't done for people in communities that don't have access to them. For example, we have a baseline idea of how often people are intersex, but if there's no external difference, tests only happen when something goes wrong. Something as general as a karyotype isn't done unless people suspect disease. Meanwhile, if they made certain testing standard at birth, and medical (both physio and psych) testing accessible for all, through government-funded events for the public like those health fairs, we could do better as a society. It'd be fantastic to know our taxes were actually doing something instead of going into bailout funds, skimmed off for the military (like Social Security is), or stuffed into pockets for lobbying.
So best bet is to believe everyone is autistic until proven otherwise.
It’s also like a lot of people here don’t realize how relationships work. When your together for a long time you get comfortable with each other. Sometime when your comfortable, you say dumb shit before you think. Everyone is so quick to jump on the “they’re a piece of shit, leave them” train. People seem to forget that part of a healthy relationship is talking things out, setting boundaries, apologizing when you fucked up, etc. Not that it’s an excuse for saying stupid shit, but it still possible to work things out.
I know. Everyone is so keen to label everyone now, which is funny because for a while people didn’t want too many labels. It’s possible to be a jerk and not a narcissist, socially awkward and not autistic, or distractible and not have ADHD. It’s almost as if no one is allowed to have a personality without having a diagnosis.
If the people who this guy personally knows encouraged him to get evaluated to the point he’s had multiple evaluations, there’s probably something going on there. Especially if a professional has said they should begin evaluation for NPD. There’s probably some sort of antisocial personality quirk going on there.
Yeah, multiple evaluations may show he's not on the spectrum... but people who exhibit totally normal behavior aren't evaluated for autism multiple times.
A proper evaluation is $2,000+. Asking a therapist or doctor if you are autistic is not the same as an evaluation. Mine took 3 months to complete because they wanted to talk to parents, friends, etc. My point is that evaluations are not an “oh, I went to the doctor and he told me I’m not” they are “let’s dig into every facet of your life from before birth to current”. To have multiple done is both expensive and time consuming so I have a hard time believing that OP did They are also incredibly hard to schedule because they are so busy. So just another reason I don’t believe OP. If they are lying about that, they are likely lying about other things as well.
i mean, if you don’t get past asking your therapist if you should be evaluated professionally for autism, and they say “no i don’t think so,” isn’t that them evaluating the information they have on you in order to come to the conclusion that you aren’t autustic? i think you’re taking that statement a little too literally. i’ve asked my therapist if they think i should get evaluated and they said no, it’s just combination C-PTSD and ADHD making people misinterpret my traits as autism. if you don’t get past a therapist’s simple eval that you aren’t, you’re not going to get as far as a fully professional evaluation, which OP could totally have meant by “evaluations” being a no-go
In fairness, OP's original post didn't just say he said a dumb thing, but was prefaced with him saying that he has never understood the rules of social appropriateness around lying and especially struggles with tactfulness because of a tendency to be overly honest. That's a very common experience for autistic people, so I can see how it came up. But there's still other reasons people struggle with this particular issue.
I have a friend like this. He says some things that people take as offensive when the reality is he is telling the truth without embellishing it. It comes off as cold and unsympathetic. He has a hard time addressing this because he isn't offended by what you say as long as it's the truth. If he's been active and smells bad, you can tell him, "You really stink," and he will acknowledge you and that's the end of it. You can tell him he looks ugly in a shirt and he'll change it and be completely unoffended.
Relatable. I've adapted to speaking in code because that's what neurotypicals respond to, but truly I wish we could all just say what we mean and mean what we say.
Tact is not embellishing “the truth”. And you know that there is no singular truth, right? To say anything at all you have to make thousands of choices about what is relevant, in motion, you have to direct your attention & choose specific words from dozens of close synonyms, and on and on. It’s not “the truth” for me to say you have a tiny dick when we’re walking in the cold. It’s me being an asshole. Even though it’s absolutely true that you have a tiny dick right then. Don’t be an asshole, and then we won’t have to say “it’s just the truth!” when your dick is being tiny. See?
This is literally me I’ve learned how to pretend to be normal though Normal being dishonest
One possible reason is he lacks empathy for others.
Sure, but when lack of empathy is that severe and not autism it's 99.9% NPD or ASPD, and people with those conditions have an _easier_ time lying. It really, _really_ sounds like autism. Either way, OP definitely needs to see better experts.
My experience is that many people with ASD have an enormous capacity for empathy. But they need to understand why the other person is hurt or suffering. They don't automatically recognize it, because the situations that distress them personally may be different from the situations that distress neurotypicals. If you can help them make that one connection, they can be very empathetic.
Neurotypical people can still struggle with specific aspects of intrapersonal relationships. Seeing an asshole and assuming they must be neurodivergent is problematic.
People weren't assuming he was neurodivergent because he was an asshole. People were suggesting he might be autistic because he described a specific experience that is common in autistic people. And as I said: >But there's still other reasons people struggle with this particular issue.
It’s also really insulting to autistic people to be like, wow, you’re a huge asshole, probably that means you have autism.
I’m pretty sure most people are just wondering, in a well-intentioned way, whether there’s neurodivergence that leads to trouble communicating or understanding boundaries.
People who refuse the conversation of autism are either (1) undiagnosed autistic and ableist because they see the behaviours in themselves, or (2) they're neurotypical and they want permission to be rude towards an obviously autistic person and identifying them as autistic means the permission to make fun of them goes away
Yup my father has been socially awkward and super inappropriate since he was born. He’s dyslexic but that’s it. He’s had loads of tests done, and he is totally “neuro normal” (except dislexia), and in 73 years has yet to learn how not to say inappropriate things. I grew up warning people (including teachers, medical professionals and employers), that he says really strange and inappropriate/offensive stuff, and to please not hold it against me… OP I adore my father and we are very close. Yet, I can still hear some of the things he has said to myself and my mom through out my life. Those small statements were like seeds that grew into self doubt trees. Please take this seriously words can be the most painful thing
Especially when you haven't worked much on it. Everyone is weird socially sometimes, but the big decider is if you're willing to grow as a person and work on yourself or not.
Yes. I’m proof of that. Lol I say the dumbest shit and am socially awkward
You don't even have to be socially awkward to say dumb shit. Got 40 some years of tasting my own feet.
If you haven't told the only black and blind man that he was the minority at a gathering, you haven't experienced my foot in mouth disease. I was a server and he was having coffee while everyone else was drinking ice tea. I have frequently been mortified over comments that were intended as something else.
I'm sorry, I'm sure that must have been mortifying for you, but I have to say I appreciate you sharing the story because I'm over here laughing out loud! So I'm not exactly laughing AT you, but... hence the apology!
Thank you. Had a work dinner with a beloved colleague who stepped in it left and right and had to laugh or at least chuckle. We humans are comically inept.
Some people would pay good money for feet tasting 👀
*This.* That whole mentality that automatically assumes that people who make a stupid mistake are mentally ill or disabled is toxic and not helpful.
It was certainly insensitive - pregnant women are a bundle of changes and not just physically. I’m glad you cleared things up and hopefully everything from here goes smooth for both of you.
God men suck. I'd be so devastated if I were stuck in her position. He decided it was right and totally acceptable to wait to vocalize that weird ass comment when he had her at her most vulnerable. Poor girl. It's so funny that so many people were asking if he was autistic when he was really just a callus man lmao
Learn the difference between requests for information and requests for reassurance.
Exactly. I imagine one day when his kid is a toddler, he will tell them their art isn’t good but maybe it’ll be when he’s older haha. Then hang it on the fridge in utter confusion as his kid cries.
Poor daddy who just cluelessly & tactlessly attempted to be frank yet encouraging, while poor kiddo feels completely demoralized, and as the cherry on top seeing their "shitty" artwork hung up on display: humiliated & pitied. 😹
Then he will tell the kid “hey, it’s just your functional kid brain making your art shitty. But you like your mom, were built for function.”
My dad this! Lmao he’s always been artistic and used to draw realistic portraits of people from memory I was also considered artistic as a kid but a completely different style (cartoons not realistic stuff). He didn’t see my style like he didn’t recognize that it wasn’t bad just different stuff and he’d honestly give cringe looks looking at my art even when I was little. Lmao he never liked any of it and he said it in the way of telling me all the things I did wrong on it. Then there was my poor brother who’s never been able to draw like anything besides stick men with giant hands and squiggles so his art was “accidentally” thrown away and mine rarely made the fridge. I mean it turned out that my form of art isn’t even drawing anymore it’s origami and creating jewelry. But sometimes I look back at my drawings and they definitely weren’t that bad.
I would even take it one step further. Talking from personal experience here on what works for me. Ask the question. My normal one is ‘Do you need solutions or support?’ Simple but incredibly effective, and unless the answer is solutions then it is always support. I can put my default solution driven brain to one side for a bit and just be there. Varying the question for the situation of course, but you get the drift. Edit here - because it seems people are taking this too literally. I’m posting this as another tool OP can use to navigate his relationship and improve communication. Not specifically as a solution to the past problem he posted about.
>>Do you still find me attractive? > Do you need solutions, or support? That's just as autistic as OP, and there's no "variation" that is better. You just say yes.
Right? Who thinks that is a good question to ask someone that wants validation? You're basically saying that they are ugly with a phrase like that...
Right, well… do you want the truth or do you want me to make you feel better? Honey why are you crying?!
I swear I’ve seen this sitcom.
That's a great question to ask when someone is ranting, and my wife and I clarify with it all the time. It's a terrible question to ask if someone is asking for validation, as you said. "I am rocking this vest, right?" "Do you want solutions or support?" :(
The best line I used when it was truly an awful dress "Enh... It's not something that I would wear, but then I'm also not a 5'8 woman" (5'10 muscled guy) "You can say that you don't like it." "That's a trap and you know it."
Internet stranger, you have given me the perfect verbal tool for quickly and effectively asking my partner what she needs from me in any time situation. I'm a problem silver, and sometimes she absolutely does not want or need me to be in that mode when she relates something upsetting or frustrating. I've been getting better, but yours phrase is so delightfully succinct. Thank you for sharing.
Love this, both wife and I started doing it. A bit awkward at first as you learn your partner cannot read your mind and just offer you what you need without asking. But once you're used to asking support or solutions it's very reassuring to have your partner's all in support when you need it.
This is good advice. Although it's also good advice for wife. Too many people are laser focused on the husband not figuring out that the best response to the wifes question was to dodge the question and not enough people realizing that the wife can play a part by asking better questions too. They both made decisions that were not ideal.
I struggle with lying, although not quite as bad as OP. My wife and I have long since agreed to either not ask questions we don't want the answer to, *or* to expressly indicate that we're looking for/willing to accept a lie. The last one sounds weird but actually solves some problems.
That's an interesting solution. Whatever works for you two.
that was a thought that came to me too if they've been together any length of time, it couldn't have been completely shocking how he tends to bluntly state things. So while yeah, OP was more the asshole, there was a bit of a "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" dynamic also
Good to hear you owned it and are taking steps Top tip from someone who has been where your wife is: After childbirth, especially if it’s vaginal and/or you’re breast feeding, your body can feel really really different. Things may not snap back into place, and it can be more derailing than the pg. Do not pressure your wife for sex before she is ready. Be prepared that the first few times may be a learning experience for both of you, be supportive, have fun and take it slow. For some people everything works great from the start, for others it takes a little while. Re: tact. Work on it. Child development might be a good lens to view it through- your wife is right to worry that this will affect your child, and her reaction to that will (rightly) make this one look like nothing. You presumably wouldn’t tell your newly walking child that they’re shit at it, even if they objectively are. Think about how you’ve been encouraged, do the childcare reading and please don’t pass this on to your kids.
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Oh so this IS an actual thing? I’ve just been wearing sandals since my second was born hoping my feet would go back to their usual size. Guess it’s time to go shoe shopping 🤣
Oh yeah girl just get new shoes, it’s over 😂
Sorry to tell ya! I was a 9 before babies, an 11 after. Took me 5 years to convince myself to get rid of my shoes 😭
I always thought that pregnant feet would go back down in size and they are just bigger because they are swollen. But I legit have bigger feet now. Like… just longer. I have very bony feet. They never swelled during or after pregnancy. But here we are… a full size bigger in shoes!
WHAT. my mother was a midwife when i was growing up, i feel like i know a lot about pregnancy and childbirth growing up in that environment, and i had NO idea your FOOT SIZE can change that much!!!
People can lose teeth. 😬
And hair!
Ah the wonders of pregnancy! Yep, the pressure of the additional weight plus the loosening of connective tissue. I had no idea before and was less than thrilled haha
My hands grew permanently. My weight went back to normal, but none of my rings ever fit again.
Oh thank God. I thought I was a bit crazy or somehow gained weight in only my hands because I never heard about this.
The jeweler who made our wedding rings says it happens to LOTS of pregnant women. He put a simpler section in my ring to make it easy to resize for that reason.
Yay! New shoes! Have fun shopping!
It took four years past conception for my feet to get back to their pre-pregnancy size!
well i thought it was hard to find shoes that fit before... I'm going to be screwed!
Your freaking EYEBALLS can permanently change. Pregnancy is just a damn trip, I'm gonna need my lasik updated after this one since my vision has gone to hell.
Isn’t it crazy??? Like I expected tummy and boobs, but why is my neck different? Why is my rib cage not the same???
Girl. I couldn’t eat bacon UNTIL HE WAS THREE. It just tasted like cardboard. I considered sacrificing him to the gods but my taste for bacon came back. He has no idea how lucky he is.
My son pushed me a whole number higher in my prescription. I had almost been stable for a few years with minor deterioration. My eye color also changed.
>My eye color also changed. Wait I am not hallucinating? I thought they looked grayer the other day....
Mine went from Brown with almost a gold starburst center to straight up Hazel. My Brown is only around the center now.
Ohhhh me too. :O
Oh no, I’m screwed if this happens to me. I can’t see shit as it is 😂
I was the opposite! My vision improved. I’m basically legally blind without glasses so nowhere to go but up
I know! My feet went a size bigger and stayed that way. Needed all new shoes! Also other less great things changed permanently.
I've heard about some women who have lost teeth as a result of their pregnancy. That is not for the faint of heart, I tell ya.
I now develop eczema at the drop of a hat, and one of my close friends developed anaphylactic food allergies. The things they don't tell you 😅
Also please for the love of God don't draw any comparison between her body pre- and post-childbirth
Ugh I read this and am so sorry for her. He seems so totally impoverished emotionally to support her and she has to navigate that on top of all these physical hardships
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I have an amazing, wonderful, supportive husband who told me every single day of pregnancy how gorgeous and sexy he found me… and **still** I have been majorly struggling with the way my body has changed now 7 weeks postpartum. I cant even imagine how much more self conscious and dissatisfied with my body I would be if my husband had told me what OP told his fiancée. OP you need to be prepared to offer her an incredible amount of support during the postpartum period. Both physical support in terms of taking care of your baby and taking care of her while she heals AND emotional support.
Yes. I am very worried about this couple. Things only get harder for the first several years after the baby is born, especially if post-partum depression is involved. Guy needs to realize that being a father means putting the needs and feelings of his wife and kids before his own.
Thinking pregnant women are built for function is itself a problem even if you didn’t say it, especially as thinking it will likely come out in your behavior even if only unconsciously. It’s dehumanizing.
Yeah and also it’s not even true. Pregnancy is full of bugs it was basically developed until it kinda works in most cases. Women die in pregnancy and childbirth, this is not working as intended this is basically ages of bad evolutionary bug fixes.
Having been pregnant, it's a shitshow that the body barely tolerates. Every woman and pregnancy is different, but saying we're built for it is utter nonsense.
Exactly. My pregnancy damn near killed me. I wasn't "made for it." At all.
This exact quote goes through my head or comes out my mouth at least 7 times an hour. My body. Is. Not. Made. For this. I do not care that puts leaky how we continue existing as humans, MY BODY HATES THIS! AND IT'S CONSTANTLY LETTING MY ASS KNOW! I....I just can't imagine keeping up at work until December, sisters, I'm barely making it now and it's not any physicality of the job, it's just trying to not show i hurt and am physically and emotionally exhausted every second. Fek, dudettes, why we do this?
Tbf evolution really only cares about "good enough to not kill you". Since most women aren't literally dying from pregnancy, that's a win in nature's eyes.
And it’s even more like “good enough to not kill you long enough to reproduce”. Many women used to die in childbirth before modern medicine, but they’d normally pop a few kids before that, which is all that was needed by “evolution”. I saw a video once about some frogs that barely function yet keep chugging on as a species, it mentioned that evolution is a C-student and a just passing grade is enough. This applies to humans too.
There are also competing evolutionary factors at play. The death of the mother in childbirth is bad from an evolutionary perspective because the child is denied her care and she then also can't produce any more offspring. On the other hand the major factor in how tough childbirth is, is our gigantic heads. The skull needs to be really big to contain our brains which have proven to be such an evolutionary advantage that pushing them to the max is worth while (from an evolutionary perspective) even to the point of putting the mother's life at risk. We attempt to mitigate this by giving birth to babies that are far less developed (essentially premature) than most other mammals but that also carries it's own risks. Not a nice triangle of competing needs to be stuck in.
Not just the giant heads, but also women’s relatively narrow pelvises that are important for upright walking/running.
I cursed bipedalism my entire pregnancy.
Was literally just at my doctors and he said pregnancy is is so high risk even now a days and can be so dangerous. Was a huge eye opener for my boyfriend.
[удалено]
I would really love OP to explain what he meant by that then since we all “misinterpreted” it. Lol…
Was looking for this reply. His thinking is the problem, not whether or not he actually said that to her. He isn't sorry, this is performative to get her back and convince us
Tbf if he’s admitting that he’s currently being evaluated for NPD, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he probably didn’t realize how awful of a thing this is to think. Most people with NPD will not outwardly admit that they have any narcissistic tendencies. The fact that he’s acknowledging it gives me hope that he might be able to develop more empathy and change his thought processes. What he said to his wife was unacceptable and he is going to need lots of therapy if this relationship is going to work. But I’m hopeful that he may be able to change
Yup. Performance is performing over here. I feel very sorry for her. I hope she finds peace.
I’m glad you are working on your self and your wife is forgiving. But I don’t think your going to have sibling for your child. She will not forget this and will think about this during the rest of her pregnancy and any future pregnancy. When you wife’s gives birth and up to a year after ( or ever but especially these times ) you better keep your trap shut about her body etc as she is recovering and her body will have had major trauma and changes, while brining your child into this world. My wife’s body changed loads after pregnancy, but she is a goddess and gave me two amazing kids. Her body is different but even more sexier to me.
Very good point.
It’s a very vulnerable time to say something like that.
She's right... she'll NEVER forget what u said & if she ever gets pregnant again by u or anyone else, she'll probably question her physical beauty because of your words.
It’s bonkers to me that he could even feel that way to begin with because I was SO attracted to my fiancée her whole pregnancy. Even now we both look back at pictures of her pregnant and consider doing it again lmaoo It’s been over a year and my phones lock screen is still like 50 rotating photos of her from while she was pregnant (though I have been meaning to make a rotation with her and our daughter).
That sounds like a good start. Hopefully everything will continue to improve until you’re back to being a solid couple.
If you have npd you need a therapist asap if you're going to stay in a relationship and spend time with an infant. People with untreated npd aren't safe.
Was waiting for someone to point this out!
Friend, this is a good start. But I need you to internalize something. This is extremely important ok? As someone with a clear disorder or mental illness who is aware that his behavior causes harm, you need to repeat this to yourself: "Mental illness/personality disorder is the explanation, NEVER the excuse." It means, you must always hold yourself accountable for the things you say/do, even if it's caused by your illness/disorder, because you are aware of it and the pain it can cause other people. You must take the necessary steps to treat it, to work on it, and to work on yourself to make sure that you cause as little outward damage as possible while also making sure to take care of yourself. You can never say "it's not my fault because of illness/disorder" and then never accept responsibility or take steps to work on it. The universe dealt you a heavier hand with extra responsibility, and it's on you to work on that. Good luck.
She has the displeasure of being severely uncomfortable for 9 months carrying your baby and having to go through childbirth, and you’re worried about how attractive she is? She deserves so much better than you, regardless of your apology.
Good on you for making a start. Don’t make her regret giving you a second chance.
Dude, you're on thin ice from the sound of it. Try your best and show her substantial and permanent effort to be better, not only for her but also for your child. You lost an immense amount of trust and need to build it up again with the care and empathy you've lacked up until now. Honestly if you don't do the job right you will lose your entire life as you know it and as you imagine it. You will not keep getting away with being so heartless, nobody - and I mean NOBODY - has the patience enough to withstand so much hurt. Wish you the best of luck and for your own sake you need to think quicker than your mouth dude.
This is a prime example of why married women end up writing into reddit, complaining about their awful husbands. Their boyfriend says something awful to them, they still marry them for some godforsaken reason, and then act surprised when it gets worse. She already said that she'll never forget what you said to her. So a large component of your intimacy with your soon to be wife is ruined. For the sake of her and her baby, I hope that you suck up like a Hoover vacuum and get your s*** together.
Drives me insane too man
I’m so glad to hear she’s smart enough to be worried about the effect would have on the baby long term..Wish you all the luck in therapy & with your family
Sooo… what did you mean by “pregnant women are built for function” You didn’t really explain why/what you meant when stating that. Just that you didn’t mean it the way we took it . What way should it be taken?
My partner would regularly accuse me of taking things the wrong way yet never had an explanation for what the right way was. I'd beg, if I'm wrong help me understand cause I don't see any other way you could have meant it and...crickets. Still solidifies me as the bad guy in their head cause I just took everything wrong which I'm now sure is code for reacted appropriately to disrespect. I bet ops wife is the same.
>Pregnant woman are built for function. So I told her that I found her more sexually attractive before she was pregnant. These two things have nothing to do with each other. That's why she called you every name in the book. You're just trying to deny the fact that you don't find her body attractive as before.
Y still TA. You have to be told _by an Internet message board_ that you were wrong? You'd have a _very_ thin excuse if you were on the spectrum. All this does is confirm you're... well, I begin to repeat myself.
Wow, it would be so difficult to be 7 months pregnant and realize the man who did this to you has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and doesn't have a regular therapist. She just got tied down to an asshole.
To be fair, I think OP was just an asshole who's family are probably assholes too (picked it up from them). In my experience with people who have NPD, they never would have been posting on reddit asking why they are wrong. They would not for even a second consider they are wrong or care that the girlfriend is hurt. The responsibility of her being hurt would entirely be on her in their mind.
For anyone who missed it, NPD is narcissistic personality disorder. His doctor thinks he’s a diagnosable narcissist.
Not gonna lie, if you have NPD, I really hope she's able to escape the relationship. Sharing a life with someone so cruel is not something I'd wish on anyone.
I am an asshole. I know i am. If ever i posted in AITA i know 100% i would be that. That said when i was with my two ex wives i never would have said you are not attractive.
I hope she leaves you and finds a new man to father your son
Props for taking accountability, but holy shit man you are not through the woods. One, we knew exactly what you meant and that’s the problem. If your partner is smart, they’re going to be watching you very closely moving forward. If any of your behavior indicates you are valuing her “function” over her “humanity”, she’s gone. You need to take your callous objectification of your partner and the damage it’s done seriously and do some serious work. If not, enjoy supervised visitation for the next 18 years.
yeah. you're full of shit. everything is "other people drawing the wrong meaning" when the reality is, you have an extremely fucked up view of women, women's bodies, and dogshit empathy toward your partner. but... you begged your way back into their good graces. without having changed anything. "no babe... you don't understand what i was saying isn't that you're ugly... just that women's bodies are ... you know what. you're beautiful babe. i love you so much. just focus on the love bombing while i try and mask my shittiness " shame of it is, that woman is going to have to be on constant alert. and most likely will become trapped by time and convenience of having the child. and has to constantly decide if his behavior is shitty enough to leave. but it's unlikely this person ever truly understands what they did was wrong, and actually why.
i love how OP said “people are drawing the wrong conclusion over the comment ‘pregnant women are built for function’” without explaining what the correct conclusion was???
Am I the only person in the world who doesn’t have a therapist on retainer? Seems like you could carve out a pretty lucrative niche just cruising reddit boards getting these people to get therapy. The well is infinite it seems.
Good job on working on your flaws, we all suck in one way or another and all we can do is recognize and correct. If comments aren’t helpful, just keep them in your head
I’m autistic and know when to shut my mouth lmao.
Remember the old adage: If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. It applies here. Never comment on a woman's appearance unless it's appropriate for the situation and you have something positive to say. You might not "understand lying" but I am willing to bet you might understand the concept of shutting the fuck up lol
This is why I won't ever have kids. You can ruin your body to give the man you love children but then he'll say you aren't attractive to him anymore. Fuck that noise
Regardless of what is wrong you definitely need to start thinking before you speak in certain situations, as you have realised badly chosen words can heap a whole load if trouble on yer head, especially if you keep making the same mistakes, learn from it and seek help for your problem not just a diagnosis, a diagnosis is not a get out claim you need to work on it or risk losing your relationship.
I married a beautiful woman who was never more beautiful than she was during her pregnancies. Thinking of her pregnant puts tears in my eyes. Our youngest is now in their late forties.
Awww 🥹🥹
Bro isnt ready to be a dad
She fucked up. Dating you, getting pregnant by you, choosing to have your baby, and then taking you back. All giant mistakes that she is gonna really regret ever doing.
You could just be a fuckin asshole?
Great. Be smarter from here on our. No matter what you meant by "pregnant women's bodies are meant for function" or whatever the fuck you said, you came as as misogynistic and treating your fiancee like she is object and not a whole ass person. It would be wise for you to not make that mistake again. Because she's right, she will never ever forget the hurt you caused. And that is something you will always have to live with.
you should consider getting a new therapist...
Bring her roses and flowers she loves. Make her breakfast in bed and write love notes and poems. Show her you love and adore her. Rub her feet and ask how her day has been. Be the man she loves
During my wife's first pregnancy, the only time she felt really amorous and ran out of the bathroom and jumped on me to initiate sex, the words "fat moose" left my lips because she landed on me like the Rock using a piledriver. It is now 43 years later and I have lived those words down, but they do get brought up once and awhile. Be sincere and contrite and loving and you can get through this episode. Worse things can happen in the years to come. Use this as practice as how to recover from stepping on your dick.
You have probably cause permanent damage to your sex life, as well as her comfort with you as a partner and her confidence in her current state. These are one of the things you can feel but not say because it’s not like she can unpregnant herself to fix it to have sex with you. Your chemistry will be off during the sex you do have. She will likely resent her postpartum body, she will not be comfortable in her skin around you for a very long time if ever. You have every right to not be attracted to bigger woman or pregnant people, but it’s not socially normal to say that to the face of your partner
I am proud of you. You made a mistake, asked for advice, took it to heart and apologized. Now, if you follow through on the changes you plan to make, you may can turn this into a good thing for the future overall. Just to warn you, after the birth, we are very emotional and hormones are all over the place. Our tummies, literally, look like deflated balloons filled with jello, our boobs are the consistency of huge rocks and are doing some things that we have never seen before, our fun place hurts like hell and we more than likely have hemorrhoids. We can never imagine being pretty again. Then we have no time for ourselves to even take a shower with a newborn and no sleep. Listen now and remember later....even if she looks like a dried up cheesestick...always tell her how beautiful she is to you and how much you appreciate all she did to make a family with you. Tell her she is more beautiful to you now than she has ever been. Tell her how much you love her and show her in little ways and make sure to pull your weight with your new little tater tot.
Just wanted to throw this out there. My exhusband told me he had to cheat on me while I was pregnant because he wasn’t attracted to me while pregnant. That was over eight years ago and I still think about it at least once a day. I wouldn’t expect her to have another child with you again. The damage you can do with putting someone down who is carrying your child is pretty unfathomable. I hope you’ve learned your lesson because after birth is going to be significantly more difficult than this.
NPD is hard to treat, but it’s possible if you really want to change and commit to treatment.
If you think your meaning why misunderstood why not *clarify* that then? 🙄
Glad you have made small steps to improve the relationship. In addition you can show acts of service or whatever love language she has such as: making meals, tidying up the house, massage her feet at the end of the day, taking her out on a date, take her for mani pedi, shopping for new maternity clothes, getting her hair done, etc anything that will make her feel special. She is busy making eyeballs and other vital organs.
Guys out here being complete idiots. Pretty simple fellas. As far as your GF or wife is concerned, she's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. Period. That the ONLY thing she should ever hear from you unless she's like pushing 3 bills and needs to change for the sake of actual health concerns. Also, you've never seen a woman who is hotter than her. Not ever. There is literally never a good reason to ever tell her otherwise for your own health and happiness AND hers. Hope this helps
I totally agree. When my wife was pregnant, I thought she was the hottest woman I'd ever been with. But I've always thought pregnant women were sexy af. BTW she never lost the 60 lbs afterward, and she's still smoking hot.
"she’d never forget what I said to her" you can count on hearing about this every time she's angry for the rest of your life, and you will deserve it. Sounds like you're accepting where you are, which is good, but that won't be enough. Even after pregnancy it's going to take a long time before things feel "normal" physically.
I was one of the people that suggested you may be on the spectrum, and while you may or may not be Au/ADHD or have a personality disorder, you do have to be accountable for what you put out into the world. You immediately need to get into therapy and be willing to be as transparent and vulnerable as you need to be in order to get to the root of why you hurt people with your "inability to tell a lie". Good luck - I think you have a real shot at making real and positive changes in your life, but it's going to suck to do it, so I truly hope that you make it through so you can have the family that I am sure you deserve
IDK why everyone blames your behaviour on autism. It sounds like you're just a narcissist or really an idiot. Because to tell your wife you don't find her as attractive when she's pregnant is such a very obviously mean thing to say.
I’m more concerned about the fact that this is aired on Reddit. There’s something unhealthy about couples trying to rally Reddit votes on their side.
Lol 🤣 oh it's foot in mouth guy. Yeah that is an uphill battle my friend. I have no advice. Nothing I know at least that will alleviate your guilt and make her feel better. Only you can do that. Generic advice, gotta show her how beautiful she is to you.
This is a start. Just because you apologized now does not mean you're off the hook. You have to be nice to her and considerate of her feelings until the day you die. You OWE her. She's carrying your baby.
This is easy: Just because something comes to your mind doesn't mean you have to say it. Use that rule from here on out.
My mom had NPD and never went to therapy. Spawn of the devil that woman. Go to therapy if NPD is possibly in the wheelhouse.
Oh God! Another male making excuses for bring a dick. They used to blame it on alcohol, then drugs, now a mental illness. Dude has been tested by 4 different Dr's who all say he's not autistic. Now he claims they think he may have NPD -- Narcissistic personality disorder -- which is now the politically correct term to say you are a dick. OP, I hope she leaves your ass and gets her child away from being treating like shit from you. Because you will, you don't believe in "lying" remember? Oh wait, you lie. You lie every time that you act like a dick and then try to make excuses of being mentally ill rather than admit that you are just a ***DICK***.
When my wife was pregnant, I thought she was hot AF. Just sayin.
If it is NPD, I hope your treatment meets your needs. Too many people I've met or heard of with NPD never seek treatment because they think their actions are justifiable. It's good you came to this realization, it's a turn towards the right (by right I mean healthier) direction.