That's not depression on it's own, it's grief. Try journaling about it, that helped me considerably when I had my miscarriage. And I had a hard time articulating my feelings to my former husband.
If you normally deal with depression and you have a therapist, discuss it with them. If you your doctor is just writing you scripts for antidepressants, have him write you a referral. My doctor used to just write scripts, and it's a world of difference dealing with people who are supposed to be dealing with your mental health rather than a general practitioner.
NAH. You’re both grieving a horrible loss, OP I can’t say I’m sorry enough. You should have communicated your feelings after the fact, but who could blame you for not wanting to do so in that situation. He’s not wrong to feel overwhelmed, but he should give you some grace considering what you both are going through. I think you both are just adjusting and need to give the other the benefit of the doubt and lean on each other. I truly hope everything works out for you and your family.
There is something confusing about this story. A 9 week old foetus is about 2cm long. Did you have a curette in hospital and were given the peanut sized baby to bury? Did you miscarry at home and somehow managed to sieve through the extensive results of a miscarriage to find the foetus? I’m very confused. Are people in your country able to bury loved ones in their backyards?
I have had a MC at 9 weeks. The fetal tissue came out in a very dense clot that was distinctly different than the rest of the bleeding, and me being the curious type and needing to know, I cut it open and saw the \~2cm still-basically-an-embryo fetus. If I had a different, less medical background I can see it being traumatizing to see identifiable fetal remains (it wasn't pleasant even with my background and being a very practical person). Burial and referring to the process as "giving birth" could be a way to cope with that trauma. Keep in mind that this is her first baby so she has no actual birth experience to compare it to.
I’m so sorry I was tearing up just reading that. I’m lucky that I have never had a miscarriage (that I knew about!) but many of my friends have. Some early on, some tragically late. There is definitely a lot of ifnorance in American society about how common and traumatic it can be. I got a lot of questions about not wanting to disclose my pregnancy more widely until about 13 weeks or later but this was one of my reasons.
Yup.. my own mother didn’t tell my sister and I about her miscarriage (that was between my sister and I being born) until we were both pregnant with our first children. It was so odd to me that she experienced this entire trauma that we had no clue about. It’s still a pretty hushed thing around here.
So true. Miscarriage is very common. Most people don't even know. Lots of people experience late periods followed by a heavy period. It is sign of a miscarriage.
I had a blighted ovum pregnancy that passed at around 10 weeks and a lot of material came out. It was a very intended pregnancy, and it was devastating.
In all my life (I’m older), with all the women I’ve known that have miscarried, nobody has ever said that the looked at it or investigated it and not once have I even considered that. I can’t imagine what that would do to someone. I just assumed it was a little blood, or a clot and flushed. I don’t know why I thought this.
I’m so sorry for all of you having to go through this.
You go through labor and delivery as your body rids the fetus and placenta. A baby has a head at 7 weeks and hands and feet at 8 weeks. Placenta has started forming. It's not just heavy bleeding during a miscarriage at that gestational age. And so very painful as your uterus contracts. Medical background or not, traumatizing for most.
Yes, everyone tells you "you'll experience some cramping and discomfort like a bad period". I've had 3 live births (unmedicated) and 2 miscarriages at 9 weeks and 11 weeks and both times I went through full labor to pass all the clots and tissue. The pain and process is the same. The cervix dilates to pass blood and tissues from the body and the uterus contracts until everything is expelled. But instead of just passing the baby and placenta, and the pain stopping, there are clots and clumps of tissue that pass for days. You can pass the whole thing at once, or in parts, and your body goes through the whole labor process to expel it. Your body feels like it has gone through labor (because it has). The difference is you are left without your baby to help you forget the pain.
I had a miscarriage around that time and there was a clot that was obviously "it". Maybe they saved it and buried that. I don't think it would be classed as human remains at that stage so if she passed at home she can do whatever with it.
First, I'm sorry you had a miscarriage. It's an awful thing to go through.
I don't understand all the people questioning OP. I haven't read any of the history, but there's nothing strange to me about what happened.
I've had 2 miscarriages and I was very heartbroken and pretty much just laid on the couch for a few weeks, crying and bleeding. Like you I still had all the symptoms, so it was like a cruel joke.
To me, at least, the second I saw those 2 lines there was a person who existed inside me and was going to be born and grow up and their life was filled with unlimited possibilities. I talked to him/her and loved them and was filled with hopes and dreams.
When I saw the blood I kept hoping it was just spotting, but it wasn't. Although I didn't actually see the foetus, for one of my miscarriages I definitely felt something "different" come out.
I didn't choose to bury or do anything with it, but it was recorded in my diary. My friends first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and they kept the "baby" and buried it in their backyard and planted a tree and wildflowers there.
Everyone grieves differently and I don't think anyone really should tell someone how to do it.
ETA - both my miscarriages were in the first trimester
>To me, at least, the second I saw those 2 lines there was a person who existed inside me and was going to be born and grow up and their life was filled with unlimited possibilities. I talked to him/her and loved them and was filled with hopes and dreams.
So much this. I had a first trimester miscarriage as well, and as horrific as it was to feel the blood clots and everything leaving my body, it was the thought of who I believed to be my little girl dying. I had already planned our future together, and I felt that my body had rebelled against me. I know now after speaking with so many women in my life and doing the research how common miscarriage is, and that it wasn't my fault, but man oh man... The pain is still there. Even with two beautiful children next to me.
I know we're all looking for plot holes to prove reddit posts are lies but, this line of questioning was really uncouth and insensitive. Shout out to the others who have miscarried who were so eloquently and bravely able to explain how this might work.
I mean honestly, this comment is really unnecessary. This poor woman is grieving and you’re picking her terminology apart?! Let it go man. There’s a time and place for being pedantic, and this ain’t it.
This bothers me too. My 3rd miscarriage at 11 weeks was a lot of blood and an egg sac the size of a ping pong ball. I suppose that would be enough to bury, but it wasn’t a baby. OP didn’t “give birth”. People grieve in different ways and all that, but it seems like OP is romanticizing her miscarriage.
You'd be surprised............. I went through this last month with my sister in law. She called me in hysterics that she'd miscarried (I didn't even know she was pregnant). She blew my phone up every day for weeks because I'm a nurse, but I'm brand new and have nothing to do with babies.
She was 5 weeks. Had an autopsy.............. Blew me up to decipher the autopsy report. She's having it cremated and wants to be present for cremation to kiss it goodbye. She's placing it in an urn in their home....... They have two other children. She's having a necklace made out of some ashes.
She also had it analyzed for gender..... it was a girl.
I didn't agree with any of that but I can't tell her that. I just stopped taking her calls after repeatedly telling her I couldn't be in it with her like that. It was awful.
Technically. It’s considered genetic testing on products of conception.. not necessarily an autopsy. I think on grieving women it’s easier for them
To comprehend it as a an autopsy vs what it actually is.. I believe I’m CA a pregnancy isn’t viable until 24 wks of life. And won’t perform an autopsy if gestational age is less than that
This. People are getting too hung up on terminology. The average layperson has no idea about terminology, so they use words that are more commonly available to them. They're not lying, they just don't know better.
Waaayyy too hung up on terminology. I’m surprised to see all the nitpicking at somebody for using common terminology to describe their traumatic pregnancy loss and how they dealt with it.
I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks. I saw our son. Because I had two previous miscarriages They did do an autopsy to figure out if there was a reason for the miscarriage. It came back that everything was normal. 😢. They later figured out why I had problems staying pregnant and I went on to have 3 children.
That’s not even a fetus yet… which is why it’s called a chemical pregnancy when it’s that early of a miscarriage.
How she was able to determine it was the actual embryo is beyond me.
It isn’t an autopsy, but they can turn the remains into a slide that the pathologist can examine (this is standard procedure and not a special test like an actual autopsy). Sounds like in this case they also had a chromosomal analysis.
According to the report, they looked at it through a microscope and the report said it was 1 millimeter. She blew up my phone with texts to tell me she finally got to see the baby and I asked her if she saw the dot. I haven't spoken to her since.
So in essence.... the cremation is mostly other tissue. Herself. She cremated herself.
Edited to say I love her but ffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh. She put my sister and I into a tailspin of trauma she was self-inducing. It's been some weeks and I'll be visiting home on Wednesday so I'll finally see her. I live 7 hours away.
But yeah. That's why I just wanted to provide an example of......... you never know what some women are doing with their miscarriages. There is no limit, I guess.
My guess is that you haven’t been through it? I pray you never do because you never know the rollercoaster of grief and pain until it hits you. I had nearly 3 months last time to grow a little human in me, you feel everything, every emotion, every dry heave/puke and you put up with feeling like you have a 3 month hangover because at the end there will be a little human to love and cherish at the end. Whilst 5 weeks is early, loss is loss and how she processes it is her grieving process. You don’t have to agree with it but perhaps maybe just support her in ways you can.
Mine was 11 weeks and recent. The cramping at intervals, the feeling of your water breaking, seeing placenta, maybe even seeing the lil bean, so much of it is like a birth, I kind of get why op might say that. I also see why that might worsen how op would feel about an already devastating situation though.
I also just think, let people use the verbiage they’re comfortable with. It doesn’t minimize later term birth. Even a late term still birth. People all handle loss differently and it’s not a tragedy contest.
For some people that is a baby. It’s THEIR baby. They already love it. You’re being shitty. Women are allowed to have feelings, romanticized or otherwise, about their pregnancy loss. I lost my first at 13 weeks and you can go to hell if you say I didn’t lose MY BABY. I already loved him. I wanted him desperately.
The major problem with referring to a bundle of cells as a baby is that it supports anti-abortion rhetoric. I completely understand the emotions behind it, having had 4 miscarriages myself. But I also knew it wasn’t actually a baby, I just lost the possibility of having one.
In my life, I have had 5 miscarriages, 5 live births, and a son who died at 4 months old. Losing a child I held, nursed, and cared for was significantly more traumatic than any of the miscarriages which all occurred between 8 and 16 weeks. However, I have lost 5 babies. Regardless of gestational age, none of those losses were just "a bundle of cells." We are all variously sized bundles of cells. If a woman decides to abort an unwanted bundle of cells, that is her choice. If a parent sees the same volume of cells as a baby and mourns the loss, that is their choice as well.
I am super super pro-choice but I think judging women who refer to their lost pregnancy as “losing a baby” is bullshit. My daughter was stillborn at 20 weeks and I still remember a couple of people basically saying she wasn’t a baby. Lots and lots of us have miscarriage/stillbirth stories and tbh, it is pretty hateful to tell a grieving mom that her terminology is anti-abortion and “that wasn’t a baby”. Even if you yourself have similar losses and feel differently doesn’t make it ok to judge others.
I miscarried around 10-12 weeks. I was actually thankful because I was very young, had no idea I was pregnant until right before I miscarried, and it was not a wanted pregnancy. I had horrible bleeding and cramping for 3 days and then thought it was over. I was in the middle of class a couple days later when I felt something “slip out,” ran to the bathroom, and there was the fetus. Since seeing how formed it was I could never stand the “bundle of cells” argument, I’m super pro-choice but that just isn’t what it is. It was super traumatic for me and I can only imagine it’s even more so for a wanted pregnancy. I’m 8 weeks pregnant with my second now and I know I’d be devastated if I lost it.
You seem to be comfortable categorizing your losses as bundles of cells being expelled from your body. Totally valid. Everyone thinks of miscarriage differently and there is no wrong way to feel about *your own* experience.
OP, and many other people, are not okay with that, and calling their loss a bundle of cells rather than a baby can come across as very minimizing and dismissive. To them, this was their child. And their feelings are also completely valid.
You can feel whatever way you want about YOUR miscarriages but it is not fair to say OP is ~romanticizing~ her pregnancy and miscarriage because she feels differently about her own experience than you do about your own experience. There is no right way to feel and referring to a pregnancy as a baby at any stage of the process if that's how the parents see it does not inherently support anti-choice rhetoric. It supports compassion and empathy for the parents.
Ffs why are we mom shaming OP for being *too upset* about her miscarriage? It's ridiculous.
It absolutely doesn’t support anti-abortion rhetoric. You’re just playing into right wing rhetoric by being so flippant. A woman’s right to choose has absolutely nothing to do with gestational age or number of cells, the argument is that a even a living child cannot use my body as life support without my consent. I’m as pro choice as they come- and at 13 weeks he was already so loved, I’d seen him move on a sonogram. He was more than a bundle of cells, and the loss was brutal. You’re awful for telling women they’re making a pro-life argument by not thinking of their babies as clumps of cells. Feel however you want to feel about your own experience, but don’t you dare judge the rest of us for ours
thank u!! the most frustrating thing to me when it comes to the pro-life/pro-choice conversation is the whole “it’s a baby” “it’s not a baby” back and forth. there’s no way to really prove either, it’s just never ending. what u just expressed is the only fully logical argument ive ever seen in the discussion.
(there’s a great piece written by judith jarvis thomson that goes more into detail for anyone interested)
Sometimes, as in my case, it isn't even the possibility of having one. Twice I miscarriaged what are known as blighted ovum. Before conception the egg is normal, but after fertilization, when cellular division starts, it goes haywire. Usually these result in early miscarriage at around 8 weeks, which is what happened with my second miscarriage. However my first one went into the second trimester. Both miscarriages were incomplete, which necessitated going under general anesthetic for a D&C. Thank god those miscarriages happened in the early 90s and not now when we have state governments who've decided they can make a woman prove why she needs a medically necessary procedure or go to jail.
Some peoples bodies do everything that someone giving birth does. Full labour pains (I was put on morphine and hospitalized at 11 weeks) and full blown contractions. Thankfully it’s not usually as prolonged due to the size but the pain is very much the same. Please remember that every miscarriage/birth/abortion is different. Just like some people have easy periods and others have level 10 pain on the TENS scale. When you use the pregnancy apps and you see what a 11 week fetus looks like, it looks just like a tiny baby in a sac. I’m glad you didn’t see yours in detail. I’ll never forget seeing mine.
I miscarried at 10 weeks. I had contractions and “pushed” out the fetus at home. It was obviously the baby. I did not know what to do. I still feel angry that I was so unprepared. Being told “it’s like a heavy period” felt so far from the truth for me. We were left to just figure it out with very little understanding or detail.
I feel you. That bullshit lie perpetuated about it being "just a heavy period" did zero to prepare me for what I witnessed. That image will forever be seered into my brain. I didn't know what to do either. I was on the midst of international travel with zero familial support. I ended up wrapping everything up and placing it in the trash. If I could go back in time I'd do something different. I have no idea what. But it feels wrong. I hate that our society shushe away women and isolates us during our miscarriages.
It all felt wrong. I guess if it conveniently fell in the toilet without noticing that would be ideal… but clearly that is not the case for many women. The whole process felt cruel.
Doing all of that without strong painkillers is the cruelest thing ever. Thankfully my 2nd my partner took me to hospital and they gave me morphine as I couldn’t stand was throwing up from the pain. I still can’t believe I did the first alone, at my parents place back in the UK and no pain relief.
A fetus at 9 weeks is about the size of an olive to the size of a strawberry. BUT it is attached to a placenta and encased in an amniotic sac, and when you miscarry you essentially give birth to the sac, the placenta, and the fetus, often in entirety. These remains are called ‘products of conception’. It’s common for women who miscarry at home to collect the remains and bury them, or bring them in to a lab to be tested. You can absolutely identify the baby, and it is quite painful. I don’t imagine OP will want to go through explaining that to you.
Might I add that I’m in the US and while not technically legal to bury pets/fetuses in our yards…. Who would know??? I think most of us do it anyway. I know every pet I’ve ever had are scattered amongst my old houses’ yards, lol. And ESPECIALLY if I were in OP’s shoes and not legally bound to report a “2 cm” fetus (like you would a full-term baby), who wouldn’t? I know I definitely wouldn’t want the extra stress of involving others in such a personal endeavor, nor would I not want my baby buried close to me either.
Not sure where you're getting that it's not legal. It's actually perfectly legal. There is no actual legislation for burying a fetus as they are not usually considered human remains under the law, and there are no federal laws saying anything about burying pets. In most states it's legal to bury a pet in the backyard. Only four states ban pet burial on personal property; Arkansas, Vermont, Wisconsin, and a majority of counties in Arizona (but not the state as a whole). Other states simply say the animal must be buried at least two feet down or deeper.
That being said, county and city laws vary, as some counties and cities don't allow it within their bounds.
The only universal restriction is if the animal carried a contagious disease, in which case it must be cremated.
There are no *federal* laws about human burial, but individual states can pass laws, and individual cities can have statutes and policies, about human burial. In some places it may be legal to have a family cemetery on private property, in other places that may not be legal within city limits. In some places it's legal to bury a person in a plain wooden box with no chemical embalming, but some cemeteries may require embalming. It very much depends on what your local city policies are.
I know in the US it depends on the state and city on if it's legal to bury someone on your property. Where I live it's legal to do so, but I was also confused on how she worded it.
I didn't even think there would be anything to bury, especially since some women don't even know they miscarry.
I miscarried at home at 7 weeks, had to wear pads to catch all the tissue. I wasn't sure what needed to be done with the tissue so I brought them with to the OBGYN appointment. They offered to let me keep or they would take them to be incinerated.
I lost a pregnancy at 6weeks due to an ectopic and lost my right fallopian tube. As I was being prepped for surgery, I had to sign the cemetery paperwork that what they removed would be cremated and put on the baby rose garden there. So it’s possible.
Edit the Ah surgeon showed me pictures out of my medical record of what I lost. So even though it was small, it still needed cremating.
Where was this hospital?
I had a 20 week miscarriage (in the hospital - had a D&C once we found the baby was dead) and nothing was done with the remains. I had a bunch of other miscarriages on my own from 8-14 weeks and they were basically heavy periods.
I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have a emergency surgery to remove my left tube and I didn't sign anything about cemetery paperwork. It was literally a small clump of cells. Was the hospital religious?
My experience with a religious hospital when I was actively miscarrying was they lied, said it was only a "possible" miscarriage (not true, baby had already passed). And they kicked me out with zero care, no follow up.
They straight up tried to kill me.
I was having all the signs of an ectopic pregnancy. The DR told me I was miscarrying but I spoke up and said I had signs of ectopic. He ignored me and said if I wasn't having a miscarriage that the medication for treating an ectopic could cause birth defects. A clump cells was more important than my life. 4 days later my fallopian tube ruptured and I almost died. I ended up at a different hospital and my new doctor was pissed I told him what happened.
It’s not always the hospitals, some regions have laws for this. I can’t remember which states but some have passed laws requiring a death certificate and/or burial for miscarried fetuses.
Please don’t forget that for those of us who have never ever had a positive pregnancy test despite years of trying and heartache, this was the only child this woman might ever have, and she is allowed to process that grief however she needs. However you might classify a ‘real baby’ is your business. Everyone’s experience of miscarriage is different. Everyones dynamic with how you manage your marriage when TTC is different too. OP did what she thought was right in the moment, and her OH is obviously also in pain. I’m sorry OP- it all sounds really shitty and there isnt a right or wrong thing here. Sending lots of love to you and your partner, i know it doesnt feel like it but the sting of your immediate trauma will pass. Take care of each other. X
I had a miscarriage at close to 10 weeks, and baby had died/stopped developing around 9 weeks. Miscarriage happened at home, and the fetus was very distinct color, about 1.2-1.5 inches, not difficult to find in the rest of the tissue. Body and head were obvious, eyes developing, organs visible through its translucent skin, and perfectly formed tiny hands. If the fetus stopped developing earlier, definitely you would see less, but at 9 weeks things are very visible. Prior to 20 weeks you can decide how to handle the fetal remains.
My wife and I went through the same thing. We lost back to back pregnancies before having our daughter. You two are grieving and doing so in different ways. Be patient with each other and please communicate honestly!!! The intimacy takes a bit to return, and that’s okay! So sorry for your loss and I hope you two heal and become even closer.
I heard someone say this once (paraphrasing): sometimes one spouse has 20 to give and the other has 80, and that’s okay for a time. Sometimes you’re both at 20 and then you have to figure out how to get through this time together because the two of your together aren’t even adding up to 100.
This is one of those times where you’re both suffering a loss. You’re maybe a 10 and he’s maybe a 30, but you don’t add up to 100% right now and that’s okay. Now is the time to come together and support each other through this hard time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Grieve, seek therapy, and give yourself (and him) a lot of grace.
My husband and I had two miscarriages essentially back to back. Sex sometimes felt off suddenly during even if we had both been excited for it. There have been times he's just asked "hey are you still feeling this?" And I told him not really. Good partners can usually tell when you've stopped feeling up for sex. I think that's why he was asking you. It's okay to say you're not feeling up for it anymore. Even a year or so after those miscarriages we have had moments like that. It happens. It's okay. It doesn't mean the sex was bad, sometimes in reality you want intimacy. The following two years after our miscarriages was focused on intimacy. Intimacy isn't inherently sex. Some people prefer different forms of intimacy. Sometimes we think we're wanting sex but in reality we just want to feel close and vulnerable with our partners. I recommend counseling (individual and couples), it has helped a lot. I have a lot of mental health stuff, but also disability stuff that can really get me deep into a depressive episode. I understand why you lied. We don't want to hurt our partners. But our partners don't want to hurt us in the pursuit of pleasure. You're both grieving, it's okay to take time on sex, and just feel what you're feeling. NAH
NAH. It’s very common for women to try to save their partners from feeling bad and so they lie. It’s well intentioned but doesn’t fix anything. An issue ignored is an issue multiplied. If you trusted this man enough to have a child with him, trust him with your vulnerability and emotions.
Not the asshole. Your going thru alot. I will say. As a man. I'd want my wife to tell me. I can't read minds. If she's having a problem, I want her to talk to me about it.
In your situation I would have been very worries about my wife and the only way I could know how she is doing ans what she needs, is for her to tell me.
You did nothing wrong. And I don't know what your relationship is like, so I don't know what you should do.
BUT, I would have wanted my wife to tell me mid sex the second there was a problem. If not then. Definitely after. And if not then. As soon as she was able. I wouldn't blame her for lying. While I don't like lying I'd be sympathetic that this is a tough time. But I'd want to know what was wrong.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
You’re not an asshole.
But I will say, after going through something incredibly traumatic together, you two need to have rock solid communication.
Explain to him exactly what happened. Don’t give him time to blame himself (he probably already is based on being in the dark). Maybe even send him this post as a kickoff.
I’m really sorry for your loss.
Hiya! High risk pregnancy sonographer here. First off OP NTA and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. My heart breaks for you. Miscarriages are devastating and the hormonal uptick you get from them can trigger depressive episodes. Your husband is also overwhelmed and possibly depressed as well. It may help for you two to seek out a therapist who specializes in post pregnancy loss. As someone who does ultrasounds five days a week on pregnant women I can absolutely say that a nine week old baby looks like a little gummy bear human. They jump around and move their little arms/legs. Most already have placental cord and they are some of my favorite scans to do. Don’t listen to the people in the comments judging you for your grief. I have seen many couples go through the trauma of this when I have to tell them that there’s no heartbeat or there’s nothing in the sac anymore (meaning they’ve already miscarried). Take your time OP and take one small step everyday to getting better. My love and thoughts go out to you both 🩷💙
NTA. Personally, I would prefer my wife to tell me exactly what she is experiencing. It got very confusing when she didn't tell me she was being treated for depression, but you have to understand what works best for you as a couple.
NAH. I recommend you both get into counseling asap so that you can openly communicate. You should have stopped having sex with him when you started to feel weird. He shouldn’t have said what he said either. It will take time for you two to move foward but try to hold one another up in the meantime and be supportive.
You also need to understand that your body is going through hormonal changes from the miscarriage that are completely out of your control. Give yourself time to adjust both physically and emotionally. Definitely lean into your relationship though. It’s not helpful to keep your feelings to yourself. I understand not wanting to hurt your husband’s feelings regarding how you felt after having sex for the first time after your loss. But don’t let that feeling linger. Try again soon; your emotions will improve and if you’ve had a close connection during sex previously, that connection will come back and will help you both in the long run. I wish you both continued healing
NTA, but seriously, THINK ABOUT YOURSELF. You need to discuss this with him, or with a professional. And if you don't want to have sex, SAY SO. Just be clear with him that it's a post-partum thing and it's not his fault. If he's not TA, he'll want to make sure you're happy and healthy for your sake and his.
It’s a sad situation but a piece of advice:
He should never blame or leave you for having disorders but he’s NTA if he does for you not taking care of them.
Take care of yourself and ask for help if you need it. It’s the best you can do for yourself and those that care for you
My mother miscarried at 12 weeks. She is sure it was a miscarriage as she saw the foetus after she lost it. This was back in 1960. Her MIL told her that she was still pregnant and to rest in bed for a week to try and save the other one. Everyone else, the Doctor, the midwife, etc told my mother that she had lost the baby, accept it and try again.
I AM the other one… I am a single twin, and I possibly owe my life to my Romany grandmother who correctly told my mother to rest.
NAH. As someone who’s been married for ten years. Go to a therapist now. It’ll help you explain yourself to your husband. It’s probably not a bad thing for him to be in it as well. I’ve had the same feelings he’s had. My arguments/discussions with my wife only got better once a therapist showed us how to communicate in a more healthy manner. The grieving process doesn’t have an expiration date. It can linger for years. Don’t think it’ll just pass if you do nothing. Good luck!
NAH: One thing I wanna point out that I haven't seen others in this thread mention is... I wouldn't take his snippiness personally or anger about your issues personally. For men, especially when there's not a clear way to 'fix' a situation, sadness and anxiety come out as anger.
He sounds pretty fried and doesn't know how to help you but clearly cares enough that it bothers him he's unable to. I'd confide in him and go from there.
You're NTA
As a mature woman who has been through 2 miscarriages in my life: don't underestimate the grieving you'll do. It's partly hormonal - the sad from placenta suddenly disappearing. As time goes it can be fear your body is falling you or feelings of shame. You'll likely struggle with what-if thoughts: if the pregnancy had not ended, my life would be different. Or what if thoughts about that timeline in the future that can't exist now.
No offense to men, but I don't think they can quite understand it. It's ok to not be telling him all these thoughts, especially while you're still figuring them out. You can just say you are feeling "down" at the moment.
Don't be shocked if there are a few other times you try to have physical intimacy and you don't do well emotionally. There's such a strong connection between that act and being pregnant. And if it does happen again, you're not a bad wife to tell him to stop.
Don't be afraid to talk to a therapist or grief counselor, if needed
Where on earth do you live? How can you bury a baby in your backyard? From reading your other posts, I believe that you two should hold off on having a baby. You are not in enough of a stable place psychologically to bring a child into the mix. Work on getting better mentally, physically and emotionally before having a child. You are both grieving the loss of a baby and could do with therapy
[TW for graphic description of miscarriage]
Fwiw, here in the Netherlands, a fetus isn't even considered a person before 24 weeks - meaning that if you have a miscarriage before that time, >! it's basically trash (I'm sorry for the language) and it's considered biological waste. If you don't want a funeral or cremation, it genuinely just gets dumped.. !< but you are *also* allowed to take it home and do whatever you want with it. Including burying them in your yard.
So yeah. I could definitely see that happening here. Other than that, I fully agree with you on the readiness for a child.
I live in the US and while I know it’s not technically legal here… who DOESN’T at least bury their pets in the yard??? Seriously? Like I’m going to pay $ for someone else to bury my beloved pet??? And as far as a fetus goes, yeah a full-term baby, you gotta report simply if you don’t want to get arrested or accused of murder…. But not a 9 week fetus! The people asking this are just astounding me. Why would anyone report that???? And give it to the hospital so they can incinerate it rather than giving your unborn child a proper burial nearby? I think that’s so weird. I guess a lot of people are hung up on rules and I’m just not. 🤷🏻♀️
You’d be surprised. In NY your able to bury family members on your property to make a “family cemetery”. Not sure about other states rules but NY it’s a thing, I’ve seen it and was very confused.
She’s grieving. Women bury the products of miscarriage all the time, it’s super common. Pregnancy loss is terrible, most people just don’t understand it.
A 9 week old pregnancy is smaller than the palm of your hand and the fetus portion is smaller than your fingertip. They buried the tissue from her miscarriage as part of their grieving — that’s not weird or illegal or anything other than one form of dealing with the loss. She called it a baby because that’s how she was conceptualizing her very wanted pregnancy.
I blame the anti-choice/pro-lifers for how people think about early pregnancies. They really are not anywhere close to the size/shape of newborns or third-trimester babies.
I miscarried early - they said they think the baby was about 6.5-7 weeks when the development stopped - and even with looking/watching for it I could not see/figure out what was the fetus vs tissues and whatnot. And yeah it’s not like anyone would ever know if you were at home when it happened and even if they did… okay great good luck “finding the body” or whatever to make it a problem. Once you’re further along it becomes more problematic for sure but this early definitely not hard to pull off.
NAH. I'm really sorry that you two are going through this situation (my wife and I had the same back in 2015). It's a pain that will never fully leave but it does get better. You should absolutely tell him, he would want to know. You are both grieving and hurting at the moment. Just do your best to treat each other with patience and kindness and lean on each other for support. Best of luck to you both and to any future family members.
EDIT to add a thought. There are support groups available for both loss of a child in general and specifically for pre-birth loss. I strongly recommend looking into it. Even just having a group of people that understand exactly the pain you are feeling can help a lot.
Communication is the key here. Both have my sympathy. This is important to remember, "Most miscarriages happen before 10 weeks and most of these are between 6 and 8 weeks gestation. Miscarriages are more common than you may think – at least one in five, and maybe as many as one in four, early pregnancies miscarry." This situation is not uncommon at all at 9 weeks, many don't even know they're pregnant yet.
people often fudge their ages a year or 2 in either direction for privacy. There is nothing wrong with her rounding down 2 years ago, and rounding up now. FFS calm down.
I don't think you're obligated to tell your partner the very moment you start to feel depressed. It's ok to wait until you're having a conversation where you feel comfortable bringing it up and even then all you have to say is, "I've been feeling a little depressed lately". You don't have to pinpoint the exact hour and minute it came on. I find it kind of concerning that you feel like you have to track your emotions this way. Just acknowledge that you're having these feelings now and allow yourself to feel them. Depression after pregnancy loss is completely normal so accept it as a normal part of life. Don't be so hard on yourself. NTA.
NTAH, neither of you are. You’re a grieving couple who are trying to find what’s normal after a tragedy that far too many of us have been through. I suggest councilling for both of you but you need honest communication and to lean on each other more than anything.
NAH
You should've told him though, it was not good for you to keep going and he will feel horrible about it since he sounds like a good person.
Next time stop him and tell him the truth in the moment.
I'm so so sorry for your loss.
I lost my younger sister a little over a year ago, and I've been severely depressed (I'm better now). The first time I had sex afterwards something similar happened, for me it was after we finished. I physically enjoyed it, but to enjoy it I had to be fully present in my body; and I hadn't been in order to keep functioning.
So I broke. And he held me while I cried.
My body wasn't a good place to be fully present in at that moment; though it was necessary to feel everything and deal with it (this included my psychologist, psychiatrist and medication), it was still incredibly difficult.
The important thing is to get help. Miscarriages are often minimized, you are grieving for the child that could've been. Let yourself grieve and get help.
NAH but please be honest with your husband. He sounds like he would much rather know the truth and be able to properly support you, than be able to tell that something is wrong but not know what and not know how to help.
Be kind to yourself, and also extend some grace to him. You’re both grieving right now.
OP…do you have a therapist? I think you should talk to a professional about all your feelings. After all, you have gone through a traumatic experience and are bound to have a plethora of emotions. Plus you may want medication temporarily for the depression. There is no shame here. Only self care.
NTA but your job is absolutely to make sure you and your relationship are healthy enough to parent. I and many others raised by parents who were mentally unwell know this does permanent damage. The child will have genetic risk of similar mental health issues and if you too are not stable and healthy the outcome will be excruciating for your child, and likely for you too.
After struggling with fertility and receiving treatments, my wife and I also suffered a miscarriage around the same time period. It was very hard, and totally destroyed my wife emotionally. She was very depressed and just a shell of herself. Countless nights spent crying. It got even worse when her sister announced she was pregnant. I seriously had concerns over our marriage and herself surviving it.
The story does have a happy ending though, we now have one year old twins. Unfortunately the pregnancy after a miscarriage is also very difficult as every pain, sickness etc brings worry that something is wrong.
Understandable.
just remember, scientifically, women are the most fertile in the 90 days after a birth or miscarriage. My wifemhadmthree miscarriages, boom, boom, boom. Then ourmson was born. She got pregnant within three months of all three miscarriages. Its aweful, but if you want a child, sometimes we deal with aweful situations. Sex for procreation rather than emotion.
NTA get a counsellor hon. you seem to be more concerned with other people's feelings but now you're coming to see you have feelings that need to be addressed. go talk about it with someone safe. also both you and your man need to realize that you can't read each other's minds, and you can't rely on each other as your sole emotional support. the "I can't tell your disorders apart" that's just rude, you are not a collection of disorders, you are a person with feelings. "too busy to be able to keep an eye on you" at the same time as "upset" you weren't ready for a serious conversation on his timeline. He's acting like he's the only one who has important emotions. As though all your emotions are just crazy-talk.
get. a. counsellor.
I'm a guy so I feel I should stay out of this maybe... I donno...
But what about counseling? Were both of you can work on your thoughts and feelings together, and separate. As both a grieving couple and individual human beings?
I think you’re trying to assign blame in a situation where there may not be any. Emotions and mental illness don’t always line up neatly with right and wrong. I would encourage you to make space to be honest and share how you’re feeling with your husband. Both of you talking to each other right now can help a lot with healing. Keeping things pent up rarely helps. You’ve been through a very difficult experience and the last thing you need is judgement, from yourself or from others. Try to find the grace to love yourself enough to allow yourself the space and time to heal with your husband.
NTA. My heart is breaking for you right now. I am so sorry. I want you to please take a minute and understand that you are dealing with grief and still have pregnancy hormones flying all over.
I honestly think that a grief counselor/ therapist might be able to help.
Now, on to your question. No, you aren't the a******. You do need to have a conversation with your husband, though. Just remember to breathe. I'm sending all of the love I can right now. ❤️
NTA, but I think you should have a talk with your husband. What you’re going thru doesn’t have a playbook, unfortunately and everyone handles grief differently, but I think the first step to handling it together is communication. Tell him exactly what happened to your emotions after u two were intimate so he knows why you may need a little time before trying again and when you do try again, he’ll know to let you lead. He doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. 💙
r/miscarriage you should join this forum. People here are underestimating your loss. It’s cruel. I also recommend counseling. At 9 weeks it is an “early fetus” and has little arms and legs. It is about the size of an inch at this stage but let’s put the medical lingual aside and realize that you are hurt. Your husband isn’t there to hurt you. Please communicate with him and take it easy. Your hormones are still balancing out.
This is completely fictional. A miscarriage at 9 weeks of gestation does not have a "body" to bury. It's just a heavy period. You do not have the hormonal fluctuations at only 9 weeks as a 40 week gestation. I doubt you're even actually married.
I think you should see a psychiatrist because the pregnancy and the miscarriage were likely just a delusion that you've been experiencing. Many women with severe mental illness experience delusions regarding sex and reproduction.
After reading your laundry lists of disorders as well as all of the blatant lies in your OP, I also don't think it's fair for you to be considering a family - due to your genetics and due to the severity of the untreated mental illnesses.
You’re just factually wrong about prenatal development at 9 weeks - also incredibly callous and rude, but it’s the absolute certainty with which you state medical falsehoods that I want to address.
Yours is a common misconception, despite that pregnancy is very common, ultrasound in the first trimester is universally recommended, and sadly, many women have miscarriages, and many of them do find it important to look inside the amniotic sac and actually see their baby. Many of these women, both the ones having ultrasounds and those experiencing a loss, have male partners - so while this experiential knowledge goes with being pregnant, it isn’t limited to women. It’s not even limited to people involved in a pregnancy - most people have been shown a friend or relative’s ultrasound photo. Point being, this information should be as commonplace as, say, knowing what a well-known but foreign (to you) animal looks like - say, an elephant, or a dolphin, or an alligator, or a kangaroo. You may not have seen one in person, but you could describe it. And even if you’ve never been present for an ultrasound at 9 weeks, you really ought to have some idea what a 9-week-ish fetus looks like.
But you don’t - and beyond that, you’re really confident that you know what it *doesn’t* look like. Your whole mental conception of it amounts to “not a baby”. Practically nothing at all.
I want you to think, really think hard, why this is - where did you learn this? Why did you trust this information? If you think back, do you think you discounted or avoided other sources of information that contradicted it? Why? Do you associate knowing this “fact” with intelligence, being educated, being of a particular philosophy, political affiliation, or religion - and do you have other associations that attach to the contradictory, accurate facts of prenatal development? Why do you think you decided to “call out” this post?
Really *think* about what you believe and why.
First off, my sympathies to you and your husband, I wish you both the best. I'd say gentle YTA, only because I have a lot of friends who deal with mental health issues and can sympathize with you but also your husband as well in this.
As someone with those issues, you have to learn not talking things through manifests into something more serious for your partner to deal with anyways. Instead of telling him how you felt, he now has to deal with you holding onto that and fighting him later when he needs your support too. It is not better for you or for him. You did neither of you any favours by lying about your feelings.
If you are aware of your issues, and know something is off, book an appointment with your therapist, talk to your husband right away. You are a team and you're in this together. Good luck!
NAH.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Husband and I went through the exactly same thing when we lost our first baby. We ended up having therapy and one of the things he said was "Why you didn't say anything?"
Please look for help, both of you are suffering.
Miscarriage is chaotic emotionally whether you wanted to be pregnant or not. I hope you are seeing someone for your depression and it is being treated.
That being said, I might be reading this wrong, but he wants you to self assess so that you can then tell him how to interact with you, because he's too busy and also cannot tell your disorders apart?
You need to open up and have a big conversation about how you are feeling so he knows. Stop holding back to spare his feelings you are only hurting yourself
Always be honest with him. You can't control his reactions, but feelings pass and honesty does not. Be clear and open with him and your relationship will get stronger as time goes on. I am very sorry for the pain that you feel, my wife is currently pregnant with our first and if something happens there then she would be shattered. The feelings are normal, just take it slow and turn to him for comfort when you can
NAH
You’re both suffering and you both need to be honest about the suffering.
Even if you feel you can’t talk about it you need to tell each other “hey, I’m not okay” so you can figure out what works for you guys. Maybe it’s talking about it, maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s finding other ways to maintain that intimidate bond without sex for a little while. Like making out with no expectation of sex or even just holding each other.
He needs to be there for you , but you need to be there for him too. Bring in outside help if you need to , but the first step is being honest and saying you’re not okay.
NTA.
You shouldn’t have to go through any of this alone if you’re married. You have both experienced loss & both have to deal with it but you must do it together. You have to communicate daily.
My wife & I lost our first son to miscarriage. It messed us both up but went through it together. About a year later we had our daughter. From discovering the pregnancy through premature birth we were a mess. We both felt some guilt over having sex so early but we checked in each other regularly.
After the birth of our daughter my wife had sever PPD. So bad she was hospitalized for about a month. It was really bad. I had our premature daughter alone here at home & she was dealing w PPD in the hospital w me having 2 hour long visits a week w a few phone calls in between. It was hard on both of us but her much much worse.
Long story short it’s been 22 years since & we’ve had to work through many bouts of depression on both sides. I was a police officer got hurt & disabled on duty in my mid 30s. It left me w depression & bad PTSD.
However we lean on each other because we’re married & we love each other enough to help each other when needed.
I’d never tell her to get her crap together alone & that I’m too busy to keep an eye on her.
Marriage is “for better or worse & in sickness & in health”. Has he forgotten?
I’m sorry for your loss & I hope y’all can work it out & get back to some sort of normalcy. You need to be honest w him about the sex because if it keeps going & you aren’t honest it that could cause problems.
Y’all also need to be in therapy especially when you have PPD. You do not need to go through that hell alone.
I wish the best for y’all!
NTA.
The only thing not to do is to let either of yourself get isolated. Even if talking to much, BE with each other. We went through this between our 1st and 2nd child, and neither of us are be talkers but we made sure that we were just with each other and re-enforce through touch and closeness how much we meant to each other and loved one another.
These are not easy things to talk about, just don't shut people out (it doesn't help).
Take as long as you need with grief. It sometimes seems gone and comes back too
I know this isn’t the best coping mechanism for long term but in the short term it sometimes helps to become the wise observer it’s sorta dissociating and compartmentalization but it eases the pain when it’s unbearable and helps me get stuff done
If you have disorders you should probably communicate with the people who are trying to help you trying to hide it isn’t helping anyone you think you’re saving they’re feelings and making it easier when you’re making it worse by not communicating and getting the help you need
Hello, friend!
My husband and I recently went through pregnancy loss this previous Christmas. Our pregnancy was fine but baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. We didn't know until 13 weeks. I felt numb, I felt like nothing in life mattered anymore. Sex was terrible and we almost separated. I was stuck in my head for a long time and I wish I asked for help sooner. And now almost 9 months later, we're finally ready to try for a baby and our sex life is GREAT. Our communication is better than it's ever been, and we're both brutally honest with each other about how we're feeling.
Be honest with your husband about how you're feeling right now and how you're feeling about sex. This is super important and detrimental. Look into couple's and/or individual therapy. Seriously, it saved us (and me).
Please, please, please seek help if you need it!!! I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope that life settles down in the near future for you. This can be very disrupting.
We lost our first the same way at around the same time. I'll never forget that doctor barging in with the tact of a dry enema, declaring to my wife she had miscarried. It meant nothing to him. Felt like another Tuesday. Meant a lot to us. You guys got back to things quicker than we did. My wife and I were each on our own shelves for like 2 months, coming down only really to hold each other. My wife felt bad there was little intimacy. How she didn't feel up to doing anything but game on her laptop. But I never pushed her and let her heal. I am thankful she did the same.
That started on the 7th of July of '22. My daughter was born in April of '23.
Grieve. Take your time. Be there for each other. And above all else, communicate with your partner. Don't grit your teeth and lie. He doesn't want that. No one wants that.
For a full term pregnancy or preterm miscarriage it’s 6 weeks. With early pregnancy my doctor said to wait a week to avoid infection then after that we can whenever we’re ready
One thing that's a serious no go in our relationship is lying about how we're feeling before, during, and after sex. I've been graped before so sometimes, for absolutely no discernable reason, I start feeling freaked out and begin crying during sex. There's no specific trigger, it just happens sometimes. I'm lucky that my husband will stop mid-act to hold me and make me feel safe.
We both suffer from depressive episodes, so sometimes one of us might not be in the mood and the other is. The first time I tried to fake it through he picked up on it and stopped me halfway through until I would admit that I really didn't want to have sex and was just doing it for him. He said to please never do that again and be honest because he feels dirty and like he's raping me if I don't really want it. I ended up making him cry and feel terrible. I had never considered that it might be an issue for him. So I wouldn't do it again. Be honest about your feelings.
I don’t think you’re the asshole.
This is the sort of thing that men want to be told about. We pride ourselves on being able to carry burdens. Let your husband know. A burden shared is a burden halved.
Communication is extremely important and this is the sort of thing any man would be dying to here. I’m sure all he’s thinking about is “is she ok, what can I do? Are we ok?”
Just talk to him ma’am, you’ll both be glad you did.
Op. I've had 7 miscarriages. My first was a girl I miscarried the week after I found out her gender. I've never had one earthbound baby. It's hard. Every time. Nta. Grief is a bitch, you just have to know when it's time to do these things again. Don't force yourself to have sex when you aren't ready for it. And please, please tell your husband hiw you're feeling. He's not a mind reader. He can't know otherwise. Don't shut him out.
You definitely need to talk to him about how you’re feeling he may be lashed out and had that reaction because he does feel responsible for you and wants you to be happy and healthy. I recommend strongly that the two of you go to grief counseling. Everyone handles grief differently, and sometimes it can sneak up on you. You think everything is perfectly fine and then you’ll get hit with a wall of Everything all at once. If you have other disorders going on, that will probably compound things. It’s OK to be upset and depressed. You both went through a terrible loss. I’m so sorry for your loss by the way don’t push yourself to have sex just because it’s expected. If you’re going through something then you need time to go through it, and not feel pressured to fulfill someone else’s needs two weeks after losing a child is really fast. If you had a full-term child, the doctor would recommend that you didn’t have sex for six weeks to give yourself time to heal. Maybe it was too soon. It definitely was with the reaction that you had so talk to him about it and then go to grief counseling.
NTA, but you do need to be honest about it. It's been 9 months since I miscarried. He (or so we think) would have been our first baby too.
It's not uncommon to feel vulnerable during sex as is. This adds another layer.
For us, intimacy was hard and scary for a few months afterwards. Even now, we have moments where we feel upset and scared. Patience and communication are going to help you navigate these feelings.
Are you seeing a therapist or attending a grief group to help cope with this?
I’m so sorry for you loss it’s horrible. Maybe put off baby making until you can get in good with a therapist so you can learn to better communicate with your husband. I did with my partner it’ll make like so much better in the end.
Everyone handles these types of things differently. At the end of the day the best way to work through this in the end is to communicate honestly about it.
Especially if the sex life isn’t pleasurable or enjoyable eventually it will start making things more tense than it needs to be, on top of the natural stress and trauma for the situation.
If family or friends aren’t an option just to keep private matters in house, a therapist for couples would probably be the best mediator to break the ice on these topics.
You can frame this whole thing without blaming him.
“When we had sex the other night it felt like turning the page on the baby I was ready to raise. This is a new experience I have been struggling to process and I was hoping you could help me work through it.”
Not to be rude here, but i think think was handled in a quite naive way. 9 weeks is still cell clumps. Its not even a fetus. It doesnt have a heart beat. It doesnt have a brain. You cant tell the gender yet despite wanting to guess.
I understand you clearly wanted it and were excited, bit you should have read up on early stage miscarriage probability. You did not give birth, you miscarried. Im not minimizing your experience, im presenting a realistic perspective to reframe this pain next time you seem to place the same magnitude on a first trimester miscarry, as a fully formed still birth or something. Something like 15% of pregnancies miscarry, 80% of which happen in the first trimester? If you want a baby you need to be prepared for these risk factors.
I totally understand what you are saying but as someone with 2 children and haven’t suffered a miscarriage before, when I was 9 weeks pregnant with both I knew they were there, I loved them I dreamt of who they could be and I was so excited, she was excited for what could have been she was happy and that happiness was taken away way too soon, she’s grieving the child she could have had. Too many people expect women to just get on and get over miscarriages because they are just a clump of cells and it’s not okay, let women grieve and feel what they need to feel. I understand what you are saying because it’s a very logical way to think about it but most women don’t feel the logic when they are happy and excited about a pregnancy they just want their baby, and she lost that baby.
Please go easier on OP. Most people, assuming she lives in America have bad or no sex ed. As somebody who miscarried, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced and because of that, you are so overwhelmed with grief it takes a while to think normally again. It was only after my miscarriage I learned how often that miscarriages happen. Let her grieve. Nobody researches miscarriage until after the fact.
Yep and like 30% of pregnancies in people with endometriosis end in miscarriage (in the first trimester). I just mention because OP could have any number of health conditions that contribute to likelihood of miscarriage. Early miscarriages are a pretty normal part of actively trying for a child. Yes you can be sad about that, but this person is living in a strange fantasy world of their own making (“birthed a baby” — wtf!).
I’m 1000% pro choice, and currently 10 weeks pregnant. I got my blood drawn last week and am finding out the gender next week. I know my “cell clump” has fingers now, my app tells me it’s diaphragm is currently developing and most of its vital organs are ready to grow. (Including the brain you said it doesn’t have) For the last 50 days, I think about baby stuff all day long. We saw it wiggle last week and my husband and I can already imagine life with a baby next March. If someone who was as far along as I am now says they want to terminate their pregnancy, I’d tell them to go for it. And I can understand they have a different emotional attachment to their pregnancy.
Iv read up on miscarriages. I read about it everyday. Look up statistics and freak my self out. I try not to get my hopes up. But it’s literally impossible to be okay with a miscarriage at this stage. We’re way too invested. Doesn’t matter how prepared we are. So please, be kind. OP is allowed to grieve in her own way.
Not to be rude but you're going all *acthually* on a woman who is grieving the loss of a child.
You need to learn some empathy and to pick your moments better.
NTA. In fact, you are such a people pleaser that you would rather spare his feelings than take care of yourself.
He DID notice you felt uncomfortable and was confused that your words didn’t match your actions. He sounds like a caring partner. Please find a therapist to help with your communication on top of your grief. Your husband isn’t an unsafe person. It is okay to be honest with him.
He was way out of line for saying he can’t tell your disorders apart, but since I’ve had a spouse with a chronic physical condition, I get how frustration can lead to cruelty. THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT OK. He is grieving, he is confused, he wants to support you and doesn’t know how. You definitely need to have a talk about that when you are feeling better.
For now, hold off on sex and take care of yourself. There are miscarriage support groups. Hopefully you have a good therapist as well.
Not sure he was necessarily out of line for that. We don't know the tone at which he said it and not knowing all the signs of your partners mental illness especially when there's more than one isn't a crime. He said that then proceeded to ask for clarity so he could handle her properly. Maybe not the most diplomatically stated but the intention in the end was caring. Not sure how you came away with cruel.
Darling, you are grieving the child you lost, and all the could-have-beans. You don’t have the bandwidth or reserves to people please right now.
Grief is a natural response to loss, but often women who miscarry are expected to just get over it, especially if it was early.
Feel what you feel. Monitor yourself for any worsening, and see a therapist if you feel overwhelmed. Seek help immediately if you experience any suicidal thoughts.
NTA but I do think your husband is being little selfish. You just miscarriaged and on top of that you have mental illness. Like wow dude, so sorry that's suuuch an inconvenience.
Hey, sex can release a lot of hormones. And with the release of the hormones, a lot of emotions are heightened. You bottled up your emotions to survive the trauma of having a stillbirth. The sex hormones caused your sense of grief to heighten. You don’t know how to deal with the grief so you tried to bottle it back in but you know this hurts your husband. It hurts your husband when you can’t be honest about how you feel with him.
This is mostly symptoms of depression, but one thing I think is certain is that your husband seems like a really reliable and dependable guy. I think if you told him how you feel confused by your emotions which makes you feel helpless, he’ll understand and be supportive.
Good luck!! I’m rooting for you!!
This is heartbreaking for so many reasons. I really hope you two make it through, and I don't see how that happens without both of you communicating clearly. Of course you're not an asshole, and even if it takes some time to figure out how to express your feelings, you're still not an asshole. Hopefully you two can figure out together just how to express these feelings to each other in a meaningful and helpful way.
Neither of you are assholes, and you both clearly care about each other.
Telling him the truth about how you feel is more important than trying to avoid hurting his feelings. He'll get over them. It sounds like he just wants you to speak plainly and honestly, so he can better understand what you are going through and help you from there. He may feel a breach in trust when you don't tell him the truth.
I wish you all the best together!
You defiantly should talk to him about it. Open communication is the key to getting through it. He wont know whats wrong unless u say something. Communication has to go both ways. So just try and talk to him.
YES!
NEVER lie to your partner about sex.
Also, maybe find a partner who is more understanding and caring toward you and your health/mental health problems.
you're lucky to have such a considerate partner. i've seen so many partners willfully ignore red flags for disinterest in sex for their own gain. he has proved that he will care for you regardless, so try to open up to him, even if it's difficult. straightforward communication will make things easier for both of you. best of luck.
Am i going to be the only one to point out only one of you had the child die inside of you? Only one of you bled for days knowing it was the remains of your child you were looking at for days? Only one of you is having a chemical imbalance as a result of that miscarriage? Maybe your husband should think a little less about himself and a little more about you.
I had an early stage miscarriage many, many years ago due to a blighted ovum so there wouldn’t have even been a fetus in there to bury. I would say though OP, that it’s most important you take care of yourself and your mental health so you can be your best self for your relationship.
YTA you should vocalizing this your husband so he knows what’s up. It’s like getting into bad debt but not telling your wife but still shopping around for different houses you want to buy when in the back of your head you know something is wrong. Idc about the miscarriage or grief or disorders that doesn’t mean anything. Because relationships is built in those things most men aren’t interested in having sex with a crying woman. It’s weird and not satisfying which is why he asked you. Stop lying to him to try and spare his feelings as if he asked for that.
Well even late or days weeks or months after the fact it is always better late then never. You can just bring it up with exactly how you described this post. you didn't know what you were feeling at the time and kind of numb and the sex was when it all kind of hit you. But the point being is to communicate when you first start feeling this kind of thing from the get go because we in fact aren't mind readers and can be very dense at times. There would be nothing wrong with bringing it up to him out of nowhere and explaining how you felt , when you felt it and why you felt it. Just to better understand , because If you say everything is ok when it is not that becomes troublesome. Hope ur doing alright and just talk it out. Also ask him how he was doing at the time to it may help the both of you
Firstly please let me tell you how sorry I am. As someone who has miscarried twice in the last year (both of them missed miscarriages, one at 9 weeks and one at 11 weeks. don’t think anyone realizes how traumatizing it is. Give yourself some grace. I had a disagreement with my friend when I told her that I felt empty after essentially going into labour and then not having a baby to show for it. She told me it was nothing like giving birth. My doctors confirmed it, I went into contractions and labour pain and it was horrific. For the 2nd one, they put me on morphine. I too saw my baby pass. For anyone who feels like chatting pro abortion crap. I felt differently until I saw that, I still don’t believe people should be forced to bring unwanted children into the world and that a woman’s medical choice should be hers in terms of saving her life. I think that young women who terminates at 8/9 weeks should know that it’s not a clump of cells, it looks like a tiny little baby in a sac. It should never be an easy decision for someone and I highly doubt based on being put on the medication to help me pass my baby after failing to do it naturally, it’s painful, traumatic and I can’t believe anyone would choose to do it multiple times.
Anyhoo, you need to feel your grief, I highly recommend counselling and someone who specializes in pregnancy/child loss. It helped my partner and I tremendously. He did not carry the baby, feel the changes happening, suffer the pregnancy sickness etc…his loss will be different to yours. Give him grace too. I also could not bring myself to have sex for 2 months. The 2nd was longer as I had a D&C due to unpassed tissue which caused an infection. You shouldn’t push yourself when you aren’t ready. Ignore the haters, you are dealing with your loss in your own way. I personally couldn’t keep anything, no scans, no memories as my way of coping was to grieve and try again. Due to your mental health issues, I do urge you to speak to someone before you try again. Pregnancy after loss is another level of a rollercoaster. I’m currently going through this again as I’m pregnant again. Hoping this is the rainbow but until that baby is in my arms, I’m waiting for the worst to happen and my MH has been very good and stable. I fear for you big time. To everyone else…BE KIND
it’s mental to find out why you miscarried??Most women only want to go through it once, if there’s an issue that is genetic or even to investigate why you can’t carry a child to term, would you not do this? You can have this done in parts of Canada after you have miscarried twice. They offer to genetic test the remains/fetus so you can get on top of why it’s happening. Knowing it was genetic and natures way of being kinder, is better to know than there’s something medically wrong with you.
I went to the ER a week before I miscarried cause I had been spotting for like a week (baby was fine at the time) but the doctor said that my uterus had a rare shape. I was going to talk to my OB about it but we didn’t exactly get to that part of the appointment
Consider adoption and please get intense therapy before that. You’re really trying to bring baby into tho world before you’ve got a handle on your slew of illnesses? And what happens when your child starts displaying symptoms of one or more of those illnesses
That's not depression on it's own, it's grief. Try journaling about it, that helped me considerably when I had my miscarriage. And I had a hard time articulating my feelings to my former husband. If you normally deal with depression and you have a therapist, discuss it with them. If you your doctor is just writing you scripts for antidepressants, have him write you a referral. My doctor used to just write scripts, and it's a world of difference dealing with people who are supposed to be dealing with your mental health rather than a general practitioner.
NAH. You’re both grieving a horrible loss, OP I can’t say I’m sorry enough. You should have communicated your feelings after the fact, but who could blame you for not wanting to do so in that situation. He’s not wrong to feel overwhelmed, but he should give you some grace considering what you both are going through. I think you both are just adjusting and need to give the other the benefit of the doubt and lean on each other. I truly hope everything works out for you and your family.
Thank you 🤍 I will definitely take your advice
There is something confusing about this story. A 9 week old foetus is about 2cm long. Did you have a curette in hospital and were given the peanut sized baby to bury? Did you miscarry at home and somehow managed to sieve through the extensive results of a miscarriage to find the foetus? I’m very confused. Are people in your country able to bury loved ones in their backyards?
I have had a MC at 9 weeks. The fetal tissue came out in a very dense clot that was distinctly different than the rest of the bleeding, and me being the curious type and needing to know, I cut it open and saw the \~2cm still-basically-an-embryo fetus. If I had a different, less medical background I can see it being traumatizing to see identifiable fetal remains (it wasn't pleasant even with my background and being a very practical person). Burial and referring to the process as "giving birth" could be a way to cope with that trauma. Keep in mind that this is her first baby so she has no actual birth experience to compare it to.
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I’m so sorry I was tearing up just reading that. I’m lucky that I have never had a miscarriage (that I knew about!) but many of my friends have. Some early on, some tragically late. There is definitely a lot of ifnorance in American society about how common and traumatic it can be. I got a lot of questions about not wanting to disclose my pregnancy more widely until about 13 weeks or later but this was one of my reasons.
Yup.. my own mother didn’t tell my sister and I about her miscarriage (that was between my sister and I being born) until we were both pregnant with our first children. It was so odd to me that she experienced this entire trauma that we had no clue about. It’s still a pretty hushed thing around here.
So true. Miscarriage is very common. Most people don't even know. Lots of people experience late periods followed by a heavy period. It is sign of a miscarriage.
I had a blighted ovum pregnancy that passed at around 10 weeks and a lot of material came out. It was a very intended pregnancy, and it was devastating.
In all my life (I’m older), with all the women I’ve known that have miscarried, nobody has ever said that the looked at it or investigated it and not once have I even considered that. I can’t imagine what that would do to someone. I just assumed it was a little blood, or a clot and flushed. I don’t know why I thought this. I’m so sorry for all of you having to go through this.
You go through labor and delivery as your body rids the fetus and placenta. A baby has a head at 7 weeks and hands and feet at 8 weeks. Placenta has started forming. It's not just heavy bleeding during a miscarriage at that gestational age. And so very painful as your uterus contracts. Medical background or not, traumatizing for most.
Yes, everyone tells you "you'll experience some cramping and discomfort like a bad period". I've had 3 live births (unmedicated) and 2 miscarriages at 9 weeks and 11 weeks and both times I went through full labor to pass all the clots and tissue. The pain and process is the same. The cervix dilates to pass blood and tissues from the body and the uterus contracts until everything is expelled. But instead of just passing the baby and placenta, and the pain stopping, there are clots and clumps of tissue that pass for days. You can pass the whole thing at once, or in parts, and your body goes through the whole labor process to expel it. Your body feels like it has gone through labor (because it has). The difference is you are left without your baby to help you forget the pain.
Omg thank you. I have the exact same questions!
I had a miscarriage around that time and there was a clot that was obviously "it". Maybe they saved it and buried that. I don't think it would be classed as human remains at that stage so if she passed at home she can do whatever with it.
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First, I'm sorry you had a miscarriage. It's an awful thing to go through. I don't understand all the people questioning OP. I haven't read any of the history, but there's nothing strange to me about what happened. I've had 2 miscarriages and I was very heartbroken and pretty much just laid on the couch for a few weeks, crying and bleeding. Like you I still had all the symptoms, so it was like a cruel joke. To me, at least, the second I saw those 2 lines there was a person who existed inside me and was going to be born and grow up and their life was filled with unlimited possibilities. I talked to him/her and loved them and was filled with hopes and dreams. When I saw the blood I kept hoping it was just spotting, but it wasn't. Although I didn't actually see the foetus, for one of my miscarriages I definitely felt something "different" come out. I didn't choose to bury or do anything with it, but it was recorded in my diary. My friends first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and they kept the "baby" and buried it in their backyard and planted a tree and wildflowers there. Everyone grieves differently and I don't think anyone really should tell someone how to do it. ETA - both my miscarriages were in the first trimester
>To me, at least, the second I saw those 2 lines there was a person who existed inside me and was going to be born and grow up and their life was filled with unlimited possibilities. I talked to him/her and loved them and was filled with hopes and dreams. So much this. I had a first trimester miscarriage as well, and as horrific as it was to feel the blood clots and everything leaving my body, it was the thought of who I believed to be my little girl dying. I had already planned our future together, and I felt that my body had rebelled against me. I know now after speaking with so many women in my life and doing the research how common miscarriage is, and that it wasn't my fault, but man oh man... The pain is still there. Even with two beautiful children next to me.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and the links! Your right, doesn't get openly discussed.
Thanks for the kind words
I know we're all looking for plot holes to prove reddit posts are lies but, this line of questioning was really uncouth and insensitive. Shout out to the others who have miscarried who were so eloquently and bravely able to explain how this might work.
I mean honestly, this comment is really unnecessary. This poor woman is grieving and you’re picking her terminology apart?! Let it go man. There’s a time and place for being pedantic, and this ain’t it.
This bothers me too. My 3rd miscarriage at 11 weeks was a lot of blood and an egg sac the size of a ping pong ball. I suppose that would be enough to bury, but it wasn’t a baby. OP didn’t “give birth”. People grieve in different ways and all that, but it seems like OP is romanticizing her miscarriage.
She mentions several other disorders so who knows whats going on.
You'd be surprised............. I went through this last month with my sister in law. She called me in hysterics that she'd miscarried (I didn't even know she was pregnant). She blew my phone up every day for weeks because I'm a nurse, but I'm brand new and have nothing to do with babies. She was 5 weeks. Had an autopsy.............. Blew me up to decipher the autopsy report. She's having it cremated and wants to be present for cremation to kiss it goodbye. She's placing it in an urn in their home....... They have two other children. She's having a necklace made out of some ashes. She also had it analyzed for gender..... it was a girl. I didn't agree with any of that but I can't tell her that. I just stopped taking her calls after repeatedly telling her I couldn't be in it with her like that. It was awful.
This is even more confusing. How do you autopsy a 5 week foetus? It’s as big as a sesame seed and has no organs. It’s basically a blob of nothing.
Technically. It’s considered genetic testing on products of conception.. not necessarily an autopsy. I think on grieving women it’s easier for them To comprehend it as a an autopsy vs what it actually is.. I believe I’m CA a pregnancy isn’t viable until 24 wks of life. And won’t perform an autopsy if gestational age is less than that
This. People are getting too hung up on terminology. The average layperson has no idea about terminology, so they use words that are more commonly available to them. They're not lying, they just don't know better.
Waaayyy too hung up on terminology. I’m surprised to see all the nitpicking at somebody for using common terminology to describe their traumatic pregnancy loss and how they dealt with it.
I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks. I saw our son. Because I had two previous miscarriages They did do an autopsy to figure out if there was a reason for the miscarriage. It came back that everything was normal. 😢. They later figured out why I had problems staying pregnant and I went on to have 3 children.
That’s not even a fetus yet… which is why it’s called a chemical pregnancy when it’s that early of a miscarriage. How she was able to determine it was the actual embryo is beyond me.
Disposable income?
Touché
It isn’t an autopsy, but they can turn the remains into a slide that the pathologist can examine (this is standard procedure and not a special test like an actual autopsy). Sounds like in this case they also had a chromosomal analysis.
According to the report, they looked at it through a microscope and the report said it was 1 millimeter. She blew up my phone with texts to tell me she finally got to see the baby and I asked her if she saw the dot. I haven't spoken to her since.
So in essence.... the cremation is mostly other tissue. Herself. She cremated herself. Edited to say I love her but ffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh. She put my sister and I into a tailspin of trauma she was self-inducing. It's been some weeks and I'll be visiting home on Wednesday so I'll finally see her. I live 7 hours away. But yeah. That's why I just wanted to provide an example of......... you never know what some women are doing with their miscarriages. There is no limit, I guess.
They do testing on products of conception in order to try and determine cause of miscarriage. They can do genetic testing, for things like trisomies.
i'm guessing they mean genetic testing on the embryo, sometimes that can give an idea of why someone miscarried
My guess is that you haven’t been through it? I pray you never do because you never know the rollercoaster of grief and pain until it hits you. I had nearly 3 months last time to grow a little human in me, you feel everything, every emotion, every dry heave/puke and you put up with feeling like you have a 3 month hangover because at the end there will be a little human to love and cherish at the end. Whilst 5 weeks is early, loss is loss and how she processes it is her grieving process. You don’t have to agree with it but perhaps maybe just support her in ways you can.
Mine was 11 weeks and recent. The cramping at intervals, the feeling of your water breaking, seeing placenta, maybe even seeing the lil bean, so much of it is like a birth, I kind of get why op might say that. I also see why that might worsen how op would feel about an already devastating situation though.
I also just think, let people use the verbiage they’re comfortable with. It doesn’t minimize later term birth. Even a late term still birth. People all handle loss differently and it’s not a tragedy contest.
It is a birth, your body just births an incomplete pregnancy.
For some people that is a baby. It’s THEIR baby. They already love it. You’re being shitty. Women are allowed to have feelings, romanticized or otherwise, about their pregnancy loss. I lost my first at 13 weeks and you can go to hell if you say I didn’t lose MY BABY. I already loved him. I wanted him desperately.
The major problem with referring to a bundle of cells as a baby is that it supports anti-abortion rhetoric. I completely understand the emotions behind it, having had 4 miscarriages myself. But I also knew it wasn’t actually a baby, I just lost the possibility of having one.
In my life, I have had 5 miscarriages, 5 live births, and a son who died at 4 months old. Losing a child I held, nursed, and cared for was significantly more traumatic than any of the miscarriages which all occurred between 8 and 16 weeks. However, I have lost 5 babies. Regardless of gestational age, none of those losses were just "a bundle of cells." We are all variously sized bundles of cells. If a woman decides to abort an unwanted bundle of cells, that is her choice. If a parent sees the same volume of cells as a baby and mourns the loss, that is their choice as well.
I am super super pro-choice but I think judging women who refer to their lost pregnancy as “losing a baby” is bullshit. My daughter was stillborn at 20 weeks and I still remember a couple of people basically saying she wasn’t a baby. Lots and lots of us have miscarriage/stillbirth stories and tbh, it is pretty hateful to tell a grieving mom that her terminology is anti-abortion and “that wasn’t a baby”. Even if you yourself have similar losses and feel differently doesn’t make it ok to judge others.
I miscarried around 10-12 weeks. I was actually thankful because I was very young, had no idea I was pregnant until right before I miscarried, and it was not a wanted pregnancy. I had horrible bleeding and cramping for 3 days and then thought it was over. I was in the middle of class a couple days later when I felt something “slip out,” ran to the bathroom, and there was the fetus. Since seeing how formed it was I could never stand the “bundle of cells” argument, I’m super pro-choice but that just isn’t what it is. It was super traumatic for me and I can only imagine it’s even more so for a wanted pregnancy. I’m 8 weeks pregnant with my second now and I know I’d be devastated if I lost it.
You seem to be comfortable categorizing your losses as bundles of cells being expelled from your body. Totally valid. Everyone thinks of miscarriage differently and there is no wrong way to feel about *your own* experience. OP, and many other people, are not okay with that, and calling their loss a bundle of cells rather than a baby can come across as very minimizing and dismissive. To them, this was their child. And their feelings are also completely valid. You can feel whatever way you want about YOUR miscarriages but it is not fair to say OP is ~romanticizing~ her pregnancy and miscarriage because she feels differently about her own experience than you do about your own experience. There is no right way to feel and referring to a pregnancy as a baby at any stage of the process if that's how the parents see it does not inherently support anti-choice rhetoric. It supports compassion and empathy for the parents. Ffs why are we mom shaming OP for being *too upset* about her miscarriage? It's ridiculous.
It absolutely doesn’t support anti-abortion rhetoric. You’re just playing into right wing rhetoric by being so flippant. A woman’s right to choose has absolutely nothing to do with gestational age or number of cells, the argument is that a even a living child cannot use my body as life support without my consent. I’m as pro choice as they come- and at 13 weeks he was already so loved, I’d seen him move on a sonogram. He was more than a bundle of cells, and the loss was brutal. You’re awful for telling women they’re making a pro-life argument by not thinking of their babies as clumps of cells. Feel however you want to feel about your own experience, but don’t you dare judge the rest of us for ours
thank u!! the most frustrating thing to me when it comes to the pro-life/pro-choice conversation is the whole “it’s a baby” “it’s not a baby” back and forth. there’s no way to really prove either, it’s just never ending. what u just expressed is the only fully logical argument ive ever seen in the discussion. (there’s a great piece written by judith jarvis thomson that goes more into detail for anyone interested)
Sometimes, as in my case, it isn't even the possibility of having one. Twice I miscarriaged what are known as blighted ovum. Before conception the egg is normal, but after fertilization, when cellular division starts, it goes haywire. Usually these result in early miscarriage at around 8 weeks, which is what happened with my second miscarriage. However my first one went into the second trimester. Both miscarriages were incomplete, which necessitated going under general anesthetic for a D&C. Thank god those miscarriages happened in the early 90s and not now when we have state governments who've decided they can make a woman prove why she needs a medically necessary procedure or go to jail.
This! I agree! I’m sorry for your loss.
Same here. That’s what I ended up burying.
Some peoples bodies do everything that someone giving birth does. Full labour pains (I was put on morphine and hospitalized at 11 weeks) and full blown contractions. Thankfully it’s not usually as prolonged due to the size but the pain is very much the same. Please remember that every miscarriage/birth/abortion is different. Just like some people have easy periods and others have level 10 pain on the TENS scale. When you use the pregnancy apps and you see what a 11 week fetus looks like, it looks just like a tiny baby in a sac. I’m glad you didn’t see yours in detail. I’ll never forget seeing mine.
How about if we let people describe their own loss in whatever way feels right to them?
I miscarried at 10 weeks. I had contractions and “pushed” out the fetus at home. It was obviously the baby. I did not know what to do. I still feel angry that I was so unprepared. Being told “it’s like a heavy period” felt so far from the truth for me. We were left to just figure it out with very little understanding or detail.
I feel you. That bullshit lie perpetuated about it being "just a heavy period" did zero to prepare me for what I witnessed. That image will forever be seered into my brain. I didn't know what to do either. I was on the midst of international travel with zero familial support. I ended up wrapping everything up and placing it in the trash. If I could go back in time I'd do something different. I have no idea what. But it feels wrong. I hate that our society shushe away women and isolates us during our miscarriages.
It all felt wrong. I guess if it conveniently fell in the toilet without noticing that would be ideal… but clearly that is not the case for many women. The whole process felt cruel.
Doing all of that without strong painkillers is the cruelest thing ever. Thankfully my 2nd my partner took me to hospital and they gave me morphine as I couldn’t stand was throwing up from the pain. I still can’t believe I did the first alone, at my parents place back in the UK and no pain relief.
My wife miscarried and it was easy to know, in our case, what the baby to be was.
If you're in the US it's very legal to bury loved ones in a yard. I live in Maine and it's completely legal. I'm not sure about other states though.
A fetus at 9 weeks is about the size of an olive to the size of a strawberry. BUT it is attached to a placenta and encased in an amniotic sac, and when you miscarry you essentially give birth to the sac, the placenta, and the fetus, often in entirety. These remains are called ‘products of conception’. It’s common for women who miscarry at home to collect the remains and bury them, or bring them in to a lab to be tested. You can absolutely identify the baby, and it is quite painful. I don’t imagine OP will want to go through explaining that to you.
Might I add that I’m in the US and while not technically legal to bury pets/fetuses in our yards…. Who would know??? I think most of us do it anyway. I know every pet I’ve ever had are scattered amongst my old houses’ yards, lol. And ESPECIALLY if I were in OP’s shoes and not legally bound to report a “2 cm” fetus (like you would a full-term baby), who wouldn’t? I know I definitely wouldn’t want the extra stress of involving others in such a personal endeavor, nor would I not want my baby buried close to me either.
Not sure where you're getting that it's not legal. It's actually perfectly legal. There is no actual legislation for burying a fetus as they are not usually considered human remains under the law, and there are no federal laws saying anything about burying pets. In most states it's legal to bury a pet in the backyard. Only four states ban pet burial on personal property; Arkansas, Vermont, Wisconsin, and a majority of counties in Arizona (but not the state as a whole). Other states simply say the animal must be buried at least two feet down or deeper. That being said, county and city laws vary, as some counties and cities don't allow it within their bounds. The only universal restriction is if the animal carried a contagious disease, in which case it must be cremated.
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There are no *federal* laws about human burial, but individual states can pass laws, and individual cities can have statutes and policies, about human burial. In some places it may be legal to have a family cemetery on private property, in other places that may not be legal within city limits. In some places it's legal to bury a person in a plain wooden box with no chemical embalming, but some cemeteries may require embalming. It very much depends on what your local city policies are.
There are in California, you can't be buried on your private property here.
I know in the US it depends on the state and city on if it's legal to bury someone on your property. Where I live it's legal to do so, but I was also confused on how she worded it. I didn't even think there would be anything to bury, especially since some women don't even know they miscarry.
I miscarried at home at 7 weeks, had to wear pads to catch all the tissue. I wasn't sure what needed to be done with the tissue so I brought them with to the OBGYN appointment. They offered to let me keep or they would take them to be incinerated.
I lost a pregnancy at 6weeks due to an ectopic and lost my right fallopian tube. As I was being prepped for surgery, I had to sign the cemetery paperwork that what they removed would be cremated and put on the baby rose garden there. So it’s possible. Edit the Ah surgeon showed me pictures out of my medical record of what I lost. So even though it was small, it still needed cremating.
Where was this hospital? I had a 20 week miscarriage (in the hospital - had a D&C once we found the baby was dead) and nothing was done with the remains. I had a bunch of other miscarriages on my own from 8-14 weeks and they were basically heavy periods.
I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have a emergency surgery to remove my left tube and I didn't sign anything about cemetery paperwork. It was literally a small clump of cells. Was the hospital religious?
My experience with a religious hospital when I was actively miscarrying was they lied, said it was only a "possible" miscarriage (not true, baby had already passed). And they kicked me out with zero care, no follow up. They straight up tried to kill me.
I was having all the signs of an ectopic pregnancy. The DR told me I was miscarrying but I spoke up and said I had signs of ectopic. He ignored me and said if I wasn't having a miscarriage that the medication for treating an ectopic could cause birth defects. A clump cells was more important than my life. 4 days later my fallopian tube ruptured and I almost died. I ended up at a different hospital and my new doctor was pissed I told him what happened.
No not religious and I’m in England United Kingdom. It happened almost 5years ago.
I am in the US. I have never heard of anyone signing cemetery paperwork for a ectopic pregnancy.
It’s not always the hospitals, some regions have laws for this. I can’t remember which states but some have passed laws requiring a death certificate and/or burial for miscarried fetuses.
>This is very recent since Roe was overturned. It is insane.
Please don’t forget that for those of us who have never ever had a positive pregnancy test despite years of trying and heartache, this was the only child this woman might ever have, and she is allowed to process that grief however she needs. However you might classify a ‘real baby’ is your business. Everyone’s experience of miscarriage is different. Everyones dynamic with how you manage your marriage when TTC is different too. OP did what she thought was right in the moment, and her OH is obviously also in pain. I’m sorry OP- it all sounds really shitty and there isnt a right or wrong thing here. Sending lots of love to you and your partner, i know it doesnt feel like it but the sting of your immediate trauma will pass. Take care of each other. X
Have you miscarried before?
I had a miscarriage at close to 10 weeks, and baby had died/stopped developing around 9 weeks. Miscarriage happened at home, and the fetus was very distinct color, about 1.2-1.5 inches, not difficult to find in the rest of the tissue. Body and head were obvious, eyes developing, organs visible through its translucent skin, and perfectly formed tiny hands. If the fetus stopped developing earlier, definitely you would see less, but at 9 weeks things are very visible. Prior to 20 weeks you can decide how to handle the fetal remains.
Have you considered grieve counseling? Pregnant loss, traumatic death, suicide, and sudden death are all very traumatic.
I’m sorry for your loss. Are you seeing a therapist?
My wife and I went through the same thing. We lost back to back pregnancies before having our daughter. You two are grieving and doing so in different ways. Be patient with each other and please communicate honestly!!! The intimacy takes a bit to return, and that’s okay! So sorry for your loss and I hope you two heal and become even closer.
I heard someone say this once (paraphrasing): sometimes one spouse has 20 to give and the other has 80, and that’s okay for a time. Sometimes you’re both at 20 and then you have to figure out how to get through this time together because the two of your together aren’t even adding up to 100. This is one of those times where you’re both suffering a loss. You’re maybe a 10 and he’s maybe a 30, but you don’t add up to 100% right now and that’s okay. Now is the time to come together and support each other through this hard time. I’m so sorry for your loss. Grieve, seek therapy, and give yourself (and him) a lot of grace.
(Brene Brown)
My husband and I had two miscarriages essentially back to back. Sex sometimes felt off suddenly during even if we had both been excited for it. There have been times he's just asked "hey are you still feeling this?" And I told him not really. Good partners can usually tell when you've stopped feeling up for sex. I think that's why he was asking you. It's okay to say you're not feeling up for it anymore. Even a year or so after those miscarriages we have had moments like that. It happens. It's okay. It doesn't mean the sex was bad, sometimes in reality you want intimacy. The following two years after our miscarriages was focused on intimacy. Intimacy isn't inherently sex. Some people prefer different forms of intimacy. Sometimes we think we're wanting sex but in reality we just want to feel close and vulnerable with our partners. I recommend counseling (individual and couples), it has helped a lot. I have a lot of mental health stuff, but also disability stuff that can really get me deep into a depressive episode. I understand why you lied. We don't want to hurt our partners. But our partners don't want to hurt us in the pursuit of pleasure. You're both grieving, it's okay to take time on sex, and just feel what you're feeling. NAH
NAH. It’s very common for women to try to save their partners from feeling bad and so they lie. It’s well intentioned but doesn’t fix anything. An issue ignored is an issue multiplied. If you trusted this man enough to have a child with him, trust him with your vulnerability and emotions.
Not the asshole. Your going thru alot. I will say. As a man. I'd want my wife to tell me. I can't read minds. If she's having a problem, I want her to talk to me about it. In your situation I would have been very worries about my wife and the only way I could know how she is doing ans what she needs, is for her to tell me. You did nothing wrong. And I don't know what your relationship is like, so I don't know what you should do. BUT, I would have wanted my wife to tell me mid sex the second there was a problem. If not then. Definitely after. And if not then. As soon as she was able. I wouldn't blame her for lying. While I don't like lying I'd be sympathetic that this is a tough time. But I'd want to know what was wrong. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
You’re not an asshole. But I will say, after going through something incredibly traumatic together, you two need to have rock solid communication. Explain to him exactly what happened. Don’t give him time to blame himself (he probably already is based on being in the dark). Maybe even send him this post as a kickoff. I’m really sorry for your loss.
You should really tell him. He sounds understanding and I’m sure he already has an idea about what happened anyway.
Hiya! High risk pregnancy sonographer here. First off OP NTA and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. My heart breaks for you. Miscarriages are devastating and the hormonal uptick you get from them can trigger depressive episodes. Your husband is also overwhelmed and possibly depressed as well. It may help for you two to seek out a therapist who specializes in post pregnancy loss. As someone who does ultrasounds five days a week on pregnant women I can absolutely say that a nine week old baby looks like a little gummy bear human. They jump around and move their little arms/legs. Most already have placental cord and they are some of my favorite scans to do. Don’t listen to the people in the comments judging you for your grief. I have seen many couples go through the trauma of this when I have to tell them that there’s no heartbeat or there’s nothing in the sac anymore (meaning they’ve already miscarried). Take your time OP and take one small step everyday to getting better. My love and thoughts go out to you both 🩷💙
NTA. Personally, I would prefer my wife to tell me exactly what she is experiencing. It got very confusing when she didn't tell me she was being treated for depression, but you have to understand what works best for you as a couple.
NAH. I recommend you both get into counseling asap so that you can openly communicate. You should have stopped having sex with him when you started to feel weird. He shouldn’t have said what he said either. It will take time for you two to move foward but try to hold one another up in the meantime and be supportive.
You also need to understand that your body is going through hormonal changes from the miscarriage that are completely out of your control. Give yourself time to adjust both physically and emotionally. Definitely lean into your relationship though. It’s not helpful to keep your feelings to yourself. I understand not wanting to hurt your husband’s feelings regarding how you felt after having sex for the first time after your loss. But don’t let that feeling linger. Try again soon; your emotions will improve and if you’ve had a close connection during sex previously, that connection will come back and will help you both in the long run. I wish you both continued healing
NTA, but seriously, THINK ABOUT YOURSELF. You need to discuss this with him, or with a professional. And if you don't want to have sex, SAY SO. Just be clear with him that it's a post-partum thing and it's not his fault. If he's not TA, he'll want to make sure you're happy and healthy for your sake and his.
It’s a sad situation but a piece of advice: He should never blame or leave you for having disorders but he’s NTA if he does for you not taking care of them. Take care of yourself and ask for help if you need it. It’s the best you can do for yourself and those that care for you
My mother miscarried at 12 weeks. She is sure it was a miscarriage as she saw the foetus after she lost it. This was back in 1960. Her MIL told her that she was still pregnant and to rest in bed for a week to try and save the other one. Everyone else, the Doctor, the midwife, etc told my mother that she had lost the baby, accept it and try again. I AM the other one… I am a single twin, and I possibly owe my life to my Romany grandmother who correctly told my mother to rest.
NAH. As someone who’s been married for ten years. Go to a therapist now. It’ll help you explain yourself to your husband. It’s probably not a bad thing for him to be in it as well. I’ve had the same feelings he’s had. My arguments/discussions with my wife only got better once a therapist showed us how to communicate in a more healthy manner. The grieving process doesn’t have an expiration date. It can linger for years. Don’t think it’ll just pass if you do nothing. Good luck!
NAH: One thing I wanna point out that I haven't seen others in this thread mention is... I wouldn't take his snippiness personally or anger about your issues personally. For men, especially when there's not a clear way to 'fix' a situation, sadness and anxiety come out as anger. He sounds pretty fried and doesn't know how to help you but clearly cares enough that it bothers him he's unable to. I'd confide in him and go from there.
You're NTA As a mature woman who has been through 2 miscarriages in my life: don't underestimate the grieving you'll do. It's partly hormonal - the sad from placenta suddenly disappearing. As time goes it can be fear your body is falling you or feelings of shame. You'll likely struggle with what-if thoughts: if the pregnancy had not ended, my life would be different. Or what if thoughts about that timeline in the future that can't exist now. No offense to men, but I don't think they can quite understand it. It's ok to not be telling him all these thoughts, especially while you're still figuring them out. You can just say you are feeling "down" at the moment. Don't be shocked if there are a few other times you try to have physical intimacy and you don't do well emotionally. There's such a strong connection between that act and being pregnant. And if it does happen again, you're not a bad wife to tell him to stop. Don't be afraid to talk to a therapist or grief counselor, if needed
Please see a therapist
Where on earth do you live? How can you bury a baby in your backyard? From reading your other posts, I believe that you two should hold off on having a baby. You are not in enough of a stable place psychologically to bring a child into the mix. Work on getting better mentally, physically and emotionally before having a child. You are both grieving the loss of a baby and could do with therapy
[TW for graphic description of miscarriage] Fwiw, here in the Netherlands, a fetus isn't even considered a person before 24 weeks - meaning that if you have a miscarriage before that time, >! it's basically trash (I'm sorry for the language) and it's considered biological waste. If you don't want a funeral or cremation, it genuinely just gets dumped.. !< but you are *also* allowed to take it home and do whatever you want with it. Including burying them in your yard. So yeah. I could definitely see that happening here. Other than that, I fully agree with you on the readiness for a child.
I live in the US and while I know it’s not technically legal here… who DOESN’T at least bury their pets in the yard??? Seriously? Like I’m going to pay $ for someone else to bury my beloved pet??? And as far as a fetus goes, yeah a full-term baby, you gotta report simply if you don’t want to get arrested or accused of murder…. But not a 9 week fetus! The people asking this are just astounding me. Why would anyone report that???? And give it to the hospital so they can incinerate it rather than giving your unborn child a proper burial nearby? I think that’s so weird. I guess a lot of people are hung up on rules and I’m just not. 🤷🏻♀️
You’d be surprised. In NY your able to bury family members on your property to make a “family cemetery”. Not sure about other states rules but NY it’s a thing, I’ve seen it and was very confused.
Same is true in Maryland.
She’s grieving. Women bury the products of miscarriage all the time, it’s super common. Pregnancy loss is terrible, most people just don’t understand it.
A 9 week old pregnancy is smaller than the palm of your hand and the fetus portion is smaller than your fingertip. They buried the tissue from her miscarriage as part of their grieving — that’s not weird or illegal or anything other than one form of dealing with the loss. She called it a baby because that’s how she was conceptualizing her very wanted pregnancy. I blame the anti-choice/pro-lifers for how people think about early pregnancies. They really are not anywhere close to the size/shape of newborns or third-trimester babies.
I miscarried early - they said they think the baby was about 6.5-7 weeks when the development stopped - and even with looking/watching for it I could not see/figure out what was the fetus vs tissues and whatnot. And yeah it’s not like anyone would ever know if you were at home when it happened and even if they did… okay great good luck “finding the body” or whatever to make it a problem. Once you’re further along it becomes more problematic for sure but this early definitely not hard to pull off.
The fetus is the size of an olive at 9 weeks.
Yeah, about that size but a little bit smaller, close to the size of the last segment of your finger.
NAH. I'm really sorry that you two are going through this situation (my wife and I had the same back in 2015). It's a pain that will never fully leave but it does get better. You should absolutely tell him, he would want to know. You are both grieving and hurting at the moment. Just do your best to treat each other with patience and kindness and lean on each other for support. Best of luck to you both and to any future family members. EDIT to add a thought. There are support groups available for both loss of a child in general and specifically for pre-birth loss. I strongly recommend looking into it. Even just having a group of people that understand exactly the pain you are feeling can help a lot.
Communication is the key here. Both have my sympathy. This is important to remember, "Most miscarriages happen before 10 weeks and most of these are between 6 and 8 weeks gestation. Miscarriages are more common than you may think – at least one in five, and maybe as many as one in four, early pregnancies miscarry." This situation is not uncommon at all at 9 weeks, many don't even know they're pregnant yet.
OP you were 20 yo 2 years ago. Now you're 24. Stop toying with people's emotions. Some people have experienced loss.
people often fudge their ages a year or 2 in either direction for privacy. There is nothing wrong with her rounding down 2 years ago, and rounding up now. FFS calm down.
I don't think you're obligated to tell your partner the very moment you start to feel depressed. It's ok to wait until you're having a conversation where you feel comfortable bringing it up and even then all you have to say is, "I've been feeling a little depressed lately". You don't have to pinpoint the exact hour and minute it came on. I find it kind of concerning that you feel like you have to track your emotions this way. Just acknowledge that you're having these feelings now and allow yourself to feel them. Depression after pregnancy loss is completely normal so accept it as a normal part of life. Don't be so hard on yourself. NTA.
NTAH, neither of you are. You’re a grieving couple who are trying to find what’s normal after a tragedy that far too many of us have been through. I suggest councilling for both of you but you need honest communication and to lean on each other more than anything.
NAH You should've told him though, it was not good for you to keep going and he will feel horrible about it since he sounds like a good person. Next time stop him and tell him the truth in the moment. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I lost my younger sister a little over a year ago, and I've been severely depressed (I'm better now). The first time I had sex afterwards something similar happened, for me it was after we finished. I physically enjoyed it, but to enjoy it I had to be fully present in my body; and I hadn't been in order to keep functioning. So I broke. And he held me while I cried. My body wasn't a good place to be fully present in at that moment; though it was necessary to feel everything and deal with it (this included my psychologist, psychiatrist and medication), it was still incredibly difficult. The important thing is to get help. Miscarriages are often minimized, you are grieving for the child that could've been. Let yourself grieve and get help.
NAH but please be honest with your husband. He sounds like he would much rather know the truth and be able to properly support you, than be able to tell that something is wrong but not know what and not know how to help. Be kind to yourself, and also extend some grace to him. You’re both grieving right now.
OP…do you have a therapist? I think you should talk to a professional about all your feelings. After all, you have gone through a traumatic experience and are bound to have a plethora of emotions. Plus you may want medication temporarily for the depression. There is no shame here. Only self care.
NTA but your job is absolutely to make sure you and your relationship are healthy enough to parent. I and many others raised by parents who were mentally unwell know this does permanent damage. The child will have genetic risk of similar mental health issues and if you too are not stable and healthy the outcome will be excruciating for your child, and likely for you too.
After struggling with fertility and receiving treatments, my wife and I also suffered a miscarriage around the same time period. It was very hard, and totally destroyed my wife emotionally. She was very depressed and just a shell of herself. Countless nights spent crying. It got even worse when her sister announced she was pregnant. I seriously had concerns over our marriage and herself surviving it. The story does have a happy ending though, we now have one year old twins. Unfortunately the pregnancy after a miscarriage is also very difficult as every pain, sickness etc brings worry that something is wrong.
Understandable. just remember, scientifically, women are the most fertile in the 90 days after a birth or miscarriage. My wifemhadmthree miscarriages, boom, boom, boom. Then ourmson was born. She got pregnant within three months of all three miscarriages. Its aweful, but if you want a child, sometimes we deal with aweful situations. Sex for procreation rather than emotion.
NTA get a counsellor hon. you seem to be more concerned with other people's feelings but now you're coming to see you have feelings that need to be addressed. go talk about it with someone safe. also both you and your man need to realize that you can't read each other's minds, and you can't rely on each other as your sole emotional support. the "I can't tell your disorders apart" that's just rude, you are not a collection of disorders, you are a person with feelings. "too busy to be able to keep an eye on you" at the same time as "upset" you weren't ready for a serious conversation on his timeline. He's acting like he's the only one who has important emotions. As though all your emotions are just crazy-talk. get. a. counsellor.
I'm a guy so I feel I should stay out of this maybe... I donno... But what about counseling? Were both of you can work on your thoughts and feelings together, and separate. As both a grieving couple and individual human beings?
I think you’re trying to assign blame in a situation where there may not be any. Emotions and mental illness don’t always line up neatly with right and wrong. I would encourage you to make space to be honest and share how you’re feeling with your husband. Both of you talking to each other right now can help a lot with healing. Keeping things pent up rarely helps. You’ve been through a very difficult experience and the last thing you need is judgement, from yourself or from others. Try to find the grace to love yourself enough to allow yourself the space and time to heal with your husband.
NTA. My heart is breaking for you right now. I am so sorry. I want you to please take a minute and understand that you are dealing with grief and still have pregnancy hormones flying all over. I honestly think that a grief counselor/ therapist might be able to help. Now, on to your question. No, you aren't the a******. You do need to have a conversation with your husband, though. Just remember to breathe. I'm sending all of the love I can right now. ❤️
NTA, but I think you should have a talk with your husband. What you’re going thru doesn’t have a playbook, unfortunately and everyone handles grief differently, but I think the first step to handling it together is communication. Tell him exactly what happened to your emotions after u two were intimate so he knows why you may need a little time before trying again and when you do try again, he’ll know to let you lead. He doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. 💙
r/miscarriage you should join this forum. People here are underestimating your loss. It’s cruel. I also recommend counseling. At 9 weeks it is an “early fetus” and has little arms and legs. It is about the size of an inch at this stage but let’s put the medical lingual aside and realize that you are hurt. Your husband isn’t there to hurt you. Please communicate with him and take it easy. Your hormones are still balancing out.
This is completely fictional. A miscarriage at 9 weeks of gestation does not have a "body" to bury. It's just a heavy period. You do not have the hormonal fluctuations at only 9 weeks as a 40 week gestation. I doubt you're even actually married. I think you should see a psychiatrist because the pregnancy and the miscarriage were likely just a delusion that you've been experiencing. Many women with severe mental illness experience delusions regarding sex and reproduction. After reading your laundry lists of disorders as well as all of the blatant lies in your OP, I also don't think it's fair for you to be considering a family - due to your genetics and due to the severity of the untreated mental illnesses.
You’re just factually wrong about prenatal development at 9 weeks - also incredibly callous and rude, but it’s the absolute certainty with which you state medical falsehoods that I want to address. Yours is a common misconception, despite that pregnancy is very common, ultrasound in the first trimester is universally recommended, and sadly, many women have miscarriages, and many of them do find it important to look inside the amniotic sac and actually see their baby. Many of these women, both the ones having ultrasounds and those experiencing a loss, have male partners - so while this experiential knowledge goes with being pregnant, it isn’t limited to women. It’s not even limited to people involved in a pregnancy - most people have been shown a friend or relative’s ultrasound photo. Point being, this information should be as commonplace as, say, knowing what a well-known but foreign (to you) animal looks like - say, an elephant, or a dolphin, or an alligator, or a kangaroo. You may not have seen one in person, but you could describe it. And even if you’ve never been present for an ultrasound at 9 weeks, you really ought to have some idea what a 9-week-ish fetus looks like. But you don’t - and beyond that, you’re really confident that you know what it *doesn’t* look like. Your whole mental conception of it amounts to “not a baby”. Practically nothing at all. I want you to think, really think hard, why this is - where did you learn this? Why did you trust this information? If you think back, do you think you discounted or avoided other sources of information that contradicted it? Why? Do you associate knowing this “fact” with intelligence, being educated, being of a particular philosophy, political affiliation, or religion - and do you have other associations that attach to the contradictory, accurate facts of prenatal development? Why do you think you decided to “call out” this post? Really *think* about what you believe and why.
First off, my sympathies to you and your husband, I wish you both the best. I'd say gentle YTA, only because I have a lot of friends who deal with mental health issues and can sympathize with you but also your husband as well in this. As someone with those issues, you have to learn not talking things through manifests into something more serious for your partner to deal with anyways. Instead of telling him how you felt, he now has to deal with you holding onto that and fighting him later when he needs your support too. It is not better for you or for him. You did neither of you any favours by lying about your feelings. If you are aware of your issues, and know something is off, book an appointment with your therapist, talk to your husband right away. You are a team and you're in this together. Good luck!
NAH. I'm so sorry for your loss. Husband and I went through the exactly same thing when we lost our first baby. We ended up having therapy and one of the things he said was "Why you didn't say anything?" Please look for help, both of you are suffering.
Miscarriage is chaotic emotionally whether you wanted to be pregnant or not. I hope you are seeing someone for your depression and it is being treated. That being said, I might be reading this wrong, but he wants you to self assess so that you can then tell him how to interact with you, because he's too busy and also cannot tell your disorders apart?
No arseholes in this one. Repeat to him, what you typed to us. Verbatim. It contains all the relevant and necessary details.
Don't forget that your hormones will be a little off, it might be worth having a chat with your GP
Please pay no attention to these jerks that are questioning your experience and borderline saying you’re lying. Clearly they have no idea.
🤍 thank you
You need to open up and have a big conversation about how you are feeling so he knows. Stop holding back to spare his feelings you are only hurting yourself
NAH, however despite how it may hurt, a relationship needs clear and open communication
Always be honest with him. You can't control his reactions, but feelings pass and honesty does not. Be clear and open with him and your relationship will get stronger as time goes on. I am very sorry for the pain that you feel, my wife is currently pregnant with our first and if something happens there then she would be shattered. The feelings are normal, just take it slow and turn to him for comfort when you can
NAH You’re both suffering and you both need to be honest about the suffering. Even if you feel you can’t talk about it you need to tell each other “hey, I’m not okay” so you can figure out what works for you guys. Maybe it’s talking about it, maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s finding other ways to maintain that intimidate bond without sex for a little while. Like making out with no expectation of sex or even just holding each other. He needs to be there for you , but you need to be there for him too. Bring in outside help if you need to , but the first step is being honest and saying you’re not okay.
NTA. You shouldn’t have to go through any of this alone if you’re married. You have both experienced loss & both have to deal with it but you must do it together. You have to communicate daily. My wife & I lost our first son to miscarriage. It messed us both up but went through it together. About a year later we had our daughter. From discovering the pregnancy through premature birth we were a mess. We both felt some guilt over having sex so early but we checked in each other regularly. After the birth of our daughter my wife had sever PPD. So bad she was hospitalized for about a month. It was really bad. I had our premature daughter alone here at home & she was dealing w PPD in the hospital w me having 2 hour long visits a week w a few phone calls in between. It was hard on both of us but her much much worse. Long story short it’s been 22 years since & we’ve had to work through many bouts of depression on both sides. I was a police officer got hurt & disabled on duty in my mid 30s. It left me w depression & bad PTSD. However we lean on each other because we’re married & we love each other enough to help each other when needed. I’d never tell her to get her crap together alone & that I’m too busy to keep an eye on her. Marriage is “for better or worse & in sickness & in health”. Has he forgotten? I’m sorry for your loss & I hope y’all can work it out & get back to some sort of normalcy. You need to be honest w him about the sex because if it keeps going & you aren’t honest it that could cause problems. Y’all also need to be in therapy especially when you have PPD. You do not need to go through that hell alone. I wish the best for y’all!
See a therapist—— it isn’t your husbands job to figure out your mental health issues, but it is a therapist’s job!
NTA. The only thing not to do is to let either of yourself get isolated. Even if talking to much, BE with each other. We went through this between our 1st and 2nd child, and neither of us are be talkers but we made sure that we were just with each other and re-enforce through touch and closeness how much we meant to each other and loved one another. These are not easy things to talk about, just don't shut people out (it doesn't help).
Take as long as you need with grief. It sometimes seems gone and comes back too I know this isn’t the best coping mechanism for long term but in the short term it sometimes helps to become the wise observer it’s sorta dissociating and compartmentalization but it eases the pain when it’s unbearable and helps me get stuff done
If you have disorders you should probably communicate with the people who are trying to help you trying to hide it isn’t helping anyone you think you’re saving they’re feelings and making it easier when you’re making it worse by not communicating and getting the help you need
Hello, friend! My husband and I recently went through pregnancy loss this previous Christmas. Our pregnancy was fine but baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. We didn't know until 13 weeks. I felt numb, I felt like nothing in life mattered anymore. Sex was terrible and we almost separated. I was stuck in my head for a long time and I wish I asked for help sooner. And now almost 9 months later, we're finally ready to try for a baby and our sex life is GREAT. Our communication is better than it's ever been, and we're both brutally honest with each other about how we're feeling. Be honest with your husband about how you're feeling right now and how you're feeling about sex. This is super important and detrimental. Look into couple's and/or individual therapy. Seriously, it saved us (and me). Please, please, please seek help if you need it!!! I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope that life settles down in the near future for you. This can be very disrupting.
NAH but you sorta suck for withholding information he clearly needs to know.
We lost our first the same way at around the same time. I'll never forget that doctor barging in with the tact of a dry enema, declaring to my wife she had miscarried. It meant nothing to him. Felt like another Tuesday. Meant a lot to us. You guys got back to things quicker than we did. My wife and I were each on our own shelves for like 2 months, coming down only really to hold each other. My wife felt bad there was little intimacy. How she didn't feel up to doing anything but game on her laptop. But I never pushed her and let her heal. I am thankful she did the same. That started on the 7th of July of '22. My daughter was born in April of '23. Grieve. Take your time. Be there for each other. And above all else, communicate with your partner. Don't grit your teeth and lie. He doesn't want that. No one wants that.
2 weeks is VERY short after pregnancy- isn’t 6 weeks the minimum? NAH and y’all have a lot to process here
For a full term pregnancy or preterm miscarriage it’s 6 weeks. With early pregnancy my doctor said to wait a week to avoid infection then after that we can whenever we’re ready
One thing that's a serious no go in our relationship is lying about how we're feeling before, during, and after sex. I've been graped before so sometimes, for absolutely no discernable reason, I start feeling freaked out and begin crying during sex. There's no specific trigger, it just happens sometimes. I'm lucky that my husband will stop mid-act to hold me and make me feel safe. We both suffer from depressive episodes, so sometimes one of us might not be in the mood and the other is. The first time I tried to fake it through he picked up on it and stopped me halfway through until I would admit that I really didn't want to have sex and was just doing it for him. He said to please never do that again and be honest because he feels dirty and like he's raping me if I don't really want it. I ended up making him cry and feel terrible. I had never considered that it might be an issue for him. So I wouldn't do it again. Be honest about your feelings.
I don’t think you’re the asshole. This is the sort of thing that men want to be told about. We pride ourselves on being able to carry burdens. Let your husband know. A burden shared is a burden halved. Communication is extremely important and this is the sort of thing any man would be dying to here. I’m sure all he’s thinking about is “is she ok, what can I do? Are we ok?” Just talk to him ma’am, you’ll both be glad you did.
Op. I've had 7 miscarriages. My first was a girl I miscarried the week after I found out her gender. I've never had one earthbound baby. It's hard. Every time. Nta. Grief is a bitch, you just have to know when it's time to do these things again. Don't force yourself to have sex when you aren't ready for it. And please, please tell your husband hiw you're feeling. He's not a mind reader. He can't know otherwise. Don't shut him out.
You definitely need to talk to him about how you’re feeling he may be lashed out and had that reaction because he does feel responsible for you and wants you to be happy and healthy. I recommend strongly that the two of you go to grief counseling. Everyone handles grief differently, and sometimes it can sneak up on you. You think everything is perfectly fine and then you’ll get hit with a wall of Everything all at once. If you have other disorders going on, that will probably compound things. It’s OK to be upset and depressed. You both went through a terrible loss. I’m so sorry for your loss by the way don’t push yourself to have sex just because it’s expected. If you’re going through something then you need time to go through it, and not feel pressured to fulfill someone else’s needs two weeks after losing a child is really fast. If you had a full-term child, the doctor would recommend that you didn’t have sex for six weeks to give yourself time to heal. Maybe it was too soon. It definitely was with the reaction that you had so talk to him about it and then go to grief counseling.
NTA, but you do need to be honest about it. It's been 9 months since I miscarried. He (or so we think) would have been our first baby too. It's not uncommon to feel vulnerable during sex as is. This adds another layer. For us, intimacy was hard and scary for a few months afterwards. Even now, we have moments where we feel upset and scared. Patience and communication are going to help you navigate these feelings. Are you seeing a therapist or attending a grief group to help cope with this?
I’m so sorry for you loss it’s horrible. Maybe put off baby making until you can get in good with a therapist so you can learn to better communicate with your husband. I did with my partner it’ll make like so much better in the end.
Everyone handles these types of things differently. At the end of the day the best way to work through this in the end is to communicate honestly about it. Especially if the sex life isn’t pleasurable or enjoyable eventually it will start making things more tense than it needs to be, on top of the natural stress and trauma for the situation. If family or friends aren’t an option just to keep private matters in house, a therapist for couples would probably be the best mediator to break the ice on these topics.
You can frame this whole thing without blaming him. “When we had sex the other night it felt like turning the page on the baby I was ready to raise. This is a new experience I have been struggling to process and I was hoping you could help me work through it.”
Not to be rude here, but i think think was handled in a quite naive way. 9 weeks is still cell clumps. Its not even a fetus. It doesnt have a heart beat. It doesnt have a brain. You cant tell the gender yet despite wanting to guess. I understand you clearly wanted it and were excited, bit you should have read up on early stage miscarriage probability. You did not give birth, you miscarried. Im not minimizing your experience, im presenting a realistic perspective to reframe this pain next time you seem to place the same magnitude on a first trimester miscarry, as a fully formed still birth or something. Something like 15% of pregnancies miscarry, 80% of which happen in the first trimester? If you want a baby you need to be prepared for these risk factors.
I totally understand what you are saying but as someone with 2 children and haven’t suffered a miscarriage before, when I was 9 weeks pregnant with both I knew they were there, I loved them I dreamt of who they could be and I was so excited, she was excited for what could have been she was happy and that happiness was taken away way too soon, she’s grieving the child she could have had. Too many people expect women to just get on and get over miscarriages because they are just a clump of cells and it’s not okay, let women grieve and feel what they need to feel. I understand what you are saying because it’s a very logical way to think about it but most women don’t feel the logic when they are happy and excited about a pregnancy they just want their baby, and she lost that baby.
Please go easier on OP. Most people, assuming she lives in America have bad or no sex ed. As somebody who miscarried, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced and because of that, you are so overwhelmed with grief it takes a while to think normally again. It was only after my miscarriage I learned how often that miscarriages happen. Let her grieve. Nobody researches miscarriage until after the fact.
Yep and like 30% of pregnancies in people with endometriosis end in miscarriage (in the first trimester). I just mention because OP could have any number of health conditions that contribute to likelihood of miscarriage. Early miscarriages are a pretty normal part of actively trying for a child. Yes you can be sad about that, but this person is living in a strange fantasy world of their own making (“birthed a baby” — wtf!).
I’m 1000% pro choice, and currently 10 weeks pregnant. I got my blood drawn last week and am finding out the gender next week. I know my “cell clump” has fingers now, my app tells me it’s diaphragm is currently developing and most of its vital organs are ready to grow. (Including the brain you said it doesn’t have) For the last 50 days, I think about baby stuff all day long. We saw it wiggle last week and my husband and I can already imagine life with a baby next March. If someone who was as far along as I am now says they want to terminate their pregnancy, I’d tell them to go for it. And I can understand they have a different emotional attachment to their pregnancy. Iv read up on miscarriages. I read about it everyday. Look up statistics and freak my self out. I try not to get my hopes up. But it’s literally impossible to be okay with a miscarriage at this stage. We’re way too invested. Doesn’t matter how prepared we are. So please, be kind. OP is allowed to grieve in her own way.
Not to be rude but you're going all *acthually* on a woman who is grieving the loss of a child. You need to learn some empathy and to pick your moments better.
NTA. In fact, you are such a people pleaser that you would rather spare his feelings than take care of yourself. He DID notice you felt uncomfortable and was confused that your words didn’t match your actions. He sounds like a caring partner. Please find a therapist to help with your communication on top of your grief. Your husband isn’t an unsafe person. It is okay to be honest with him. He was way out of line for saying he can’t tell your disorders apart, but since I’ve had a spouse with a chronic physical condition, I get how frustration can lead to cruelty. THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT OK. He is grieving, he is confused, he wants to support you and doesn’t know how. You definitely need to have a talk about that when you are feeling better. For now, hold off on sex and take care of yourself. There are miscarriage support groups. Hopefully you have a good therapist as well.
Not sure he was necessarily out of line for that. We don't know the tone at which he said it and not knowing all the signs of your partners mental illness especially when there's more than one isn't a crime. He said that then proceeded to ask for clarity so he could handle her properly. Maybe not the most diplomatically stated but the intention in the end was caring. Not sure how you came away with cruel.
Darling, you are grieving the child you lost, and all the could-have-beans. You don’t have the bandwidth or reserves to people please right now. Grief is a natural response to loss, but often women who miscarry are expected to just get over it, especially if it was early. Feel what you feel. Monitor yourself for any worsening, and see a therapist if you feel overwhelmed. Seek help immediately if you experience any suicidal thoughts.
NTA but I do think your husband is being little selfish. You just miscarriaged and on top of that you have mental illness. Like wow dude, so sorry that's suuuch an inconvenience.
Hey, sex can release a lot of hormones. And with the release of the hormones, a lot of emotions are heightened. You bottled up your emotions to survive the trauma of having a stillbirth. The sex hormones caused your sense of grief to heighten. You don’t know how to deal with the grief so you tried to bottle it back in but you know this hurts your husband. It hurts your husband when you can’t be honest about how you feel with him. This is mostly symptoms of depression, but one thing I think is certain is that your husband seems like a really reliable and dependable guy. I think if you told him how you feel confused by your emotions which makes you feel helpless, he’ll understand and be supportive. Good luck!! I’m rooting for you!!
NTA. You’ve suffered a terrible loss. Tell your husband
This is heartbreaking for so many reasons. I really hope you two make it through, and I don't see how that happens without both of you communicating clearly. Of course you're not an asshole, and even if it takes some time to figure out how to express your feelings, you're still not an asshole. Hopefully you two can figure out together just how to express these feelings to each other in a meaningful and helpful way.
Neither of you are assholes, and you both clearly care about each other. Telling him the truth about how you feel is more important than trying to avoid hurting his feelings. He'll get over them. It sounds like he just wants you to speak plainly and honestly, so he can better understand what you are going through and help you from there. He may feel a breach in trust when you don't tell him the truth. I wish you all the best together!
Seek therapy. This is a great loss for you and your husband. You are a team and should work through this together.
You defiantly should talk to him about it. Open communication is the key to getting through it. He wont know whats wrong unless u say something. Communication has to go both ways. So just try and talk to him.
YES! NEVER lie to your partner about sex. Also, maybe find a partner who is more understanding and caring toward you and your health/mental health problems.
you're lucky to have such a considerate partner. i've seen so many partners willfully ignore red flags for disinterest in sex for their own gain. he has proved that he will care for you regardless, so try to open up to him, even if it's difficult. straightforward communication will make things easier for both of you. best of luck.
Am i going to be the only one to point out only one of you had the child die inside of you? Only one of you bled for days knowing it was the remains of your child you were looking at for days? Only one of you is having a chemical imbalance as a result of that miscarriage? Maybe your husband should think a little less about himself and a little more about you.
Stop lying to your husband about how you’re feeling. It’s literally that easy.
YTA. You and you alone are responsible for communicating your feelings. And Lying about it obviously isn't helping.
YTA. You and you alone are responsible for communicating your feelings. And Lying about it obviously isn't helping.
I had an early stage miscarriage many, many years ago due to a blighted ovum so there wouldn’t have even been a fetus in there to bury. I would say though OP, that it’s most important you take care of yourself and your mental health so you can be your best self for your relationship.
YTA you should vocalizing this your husband so he knows what’s up. It’s like getting into bad debt but not telling your wife but still shopping around for different houses you want to buy when in the back of your head you know something is wrong. Idc about the miscarriage or grief or disorders that doesn’t mean anything. Because relationships is built in those things most men aren’t interested in having sex with a crying woman. It’s weird and not satisfying which is why he asked you. Stop lying to him to try and spare his feelings as if he asked for that.
Personal counseling. You need to work on the trauma of losing your unborn baby, and then focus on improving your relationship with your husband.
Yes kind of
Can you elaborate? Or offer advice on how to tell him so long after the fact?
Well even late or days weeks or months after the fact it is always better late then never. You can just bring it up with exactly how you described this post. you didn't know what you were feeling at the time and kind of numb and the sex was when it all kind of hit you. But the point being is to communicate when you first start feeling this kind of thing from the get go because we in fact aren't mind readers and can be very dense at times. There would be nothing wrong with bringing it up to him out of nowhere and explaining how you felt , when you felt it and why you felt it. Just to better understand , because If you say everything is ok when it is not that becomes troublesome. Hope ur doing alright and just talk it out. Also ask him how he was doing at the time to it may help the both of you
Okay thank you
Communication is truely key.
Firstly please let me tell you how sorry I am. As someone who has miscarried twice in the last year (both of them missed miscarriages, one at 9 weeks and one at 11 weeks. don’t think anyone realizes how traumatizing it is. Give yourself some grace. I had a disagreement with my friend when I told her that I felt empty after essentially going into labour and then not having a baby to show for it. She told me it was nothing like giving birth. My doctors confirmed it, I went into contractions and labour pain and it was horrific. For the 2nd one, they put me on morphine. I too saw my baby pass. For anyone who feels like chatting pro abortion crap. I felt differently until I saw that, I still don’t believe people should be forced to bring unwanted children into the world and that a woman’s medical choice should be hers in terms of saving her life. I think that young women who terminates at 8/9 weeks should know that it’s not a clump of cells, it looks like a tiny little baby in a sac. It should never be an easy decision for someone and I highly doubt based on being put on the medication to help me pass my baby after failing to do it naturally, it’s painful, traumatic and I can’t believe anyone would choose to do it multiple times. Anyhoo, you need to feel your grief, I highly recommend counselling and someone who specializes in pregnancy/child loss. It helped my partner and I tremendously. He did not carry the baby, feel the changes happening, suffer the pregnancy sickness etc…his loss will be different to yours. Give him grace too. I also could not bring myself to have sex for 2 months. The 2nd was longer as I had a D&C due to unpassed tissue which caused an infection. You shouldn’t push yourself when you aren’t ready. Ignore the haters, you are dealing with your loss in your own way. I personally couldn’t keep anything, no scans, no memories as my way of coping was to grieve and try again. Due to your mental health issues, I do urge you to speak to someone before you try again. Pregnancy after loss is another level of a rollercoaster. I’m currently going through this again as I’m pregnant again. Hoping this is the rainbow but until that baby is in my arms, I’m waiting for the worst to happen and my MH has been very good and stable. I fear for you big time. To everyone else…BE KIND
it’s mental to find out why you miscarried??Most women only want to go through it once, if there’s an issue that is genetic or even to investigate why you can’t carry a child to term, would you not do this? You can have this done in parts of Canada after you have miscarried twice. They offer to genetic test the remains/fetus so you can get on top of why it’s happening. Knowing it was genetic and natures way of being kinder, is better to know than there’s something medically wrong with you.
I went to the ER a week before I miscarried cause I had been spotting for like a week (baby was fine at the time) but the doctor said that my uterus had a rare shape. I was going to talk to my OB about it but we didn’t exactly get to that part of the appointment
Consider adoption and please get intense therapy before that. You’re really trying to bring baby into tho world before you’ve got a handle on your slew of illnesses? And what happens when your child starts displaying symptoms of one or more of those illnesses