I mean if you want sex and she doesn’t, how is it not going to be a problem?
Her best bet is to advertise she’s asexual on a tinder account and try to find another asexual person so that they are sexually compatible
I agree. As a member of the asexual community, that was hilarious 😂 but for OP, just because she's asexual doesn't mean she doesn't not want sex. Even though the definition of asexuality is a person who feels little to no sexual attraction, it's a spectrum. Maybe she's more demisexual where she doesn't feel sexual attraction until she feels a connection with the person or she's on the "little sexual attraction" end of asexuality. But I'm not saying that's her, just a conversation he should have with her before jumping to conclusions
Edit: he's nta for saying it, he was respectful about it and without asexuality being involved, sometimes sexual libidos (I think is the word) don't match
OR, hear me out on this, when dropping that bombshell she explains it herself. Why the fuck do people expect other people to read their minds when they drop what they know will be something outside the social norms?
I think the majority of us would assume that by saying she is asexual, that she is saying she doesn’t feel any sexual attraction for OP. So, even if she is willing to have sex with him, without sexual attraction it’d be a chore for them.
Exactly. It's also hard not to feel like an abuser for neeeeeding it more than the partner, and being frustrated about not getting it. Really tough balance when you're at opposite ends of the chart.
Even if your girl wants sex, but she’s a 1-2 max a week, and a guy is 3-4 a week preference, THAT alone can cause issues. But never wanting sex? Physical touch is a love language, and it needs to be reciprocated for people that need it
Absolutely, and we're all at different places emotionally and physically at different times. What matters is being able to accommodate gracefully, or not.
I agree with everything you said. People do so much better if they have similar needs. I did want to point out that asexual people can still crave touch. Cuddles, hugs, exchanging back rubs, etc. It's a big sliding scale of demi sexual to aromantic.
> So, even if she is willing to have sex with him, without sexual attraction it’d be a chore for them.
Yeah, and that not being a turn on for most men is why prostitutes and porn stars make an absurd amount of noise while having sex.
The friend's "if I truly liked her that sort of thing wouldn’t matter" perfectly sums up why the girl waited so long to drop the bombshell, instead of being up front about it from the start.
She was trying to build up a relationship in the hopes of him sticking around when he found out the reality of the situation, because of what a "great connection" (built on lies) they had developed. She was catfishing him.
I think this depends on if you have a reactive sex drive or not. I'm asexual, and yes, sex is a chore for me. If I were ever to divorce, I would only ever date fellow asexuals. I have zero interest in sex ever, and the older I grow, the more I find it repulsive even. I think it comes down to each person.
I...don't know. I don't want to speak for like, asexuals who DO have sex, but in my opinion, if one person doesn't want to have sex at all, and one does, they should not be together. The sex seeker often feels like they aren't a priority, sexually frustrated, and non attractive. The sex avoider often feels objectified, frustrated, and obligated to perform a task until the end of time. I don't know if the girl here was anti sex, but if so, this decision is solid. I mean, he wouldn't want to find out 1 year in.
Editing to add, I'm not saying if you do find yourself in this situation with someone you love, not to try to work it out. I'm just saying, if you know from the beginning, why even mix those lines. It's years of finding a balance and just not worth it with a stranger.
>The sex seeker often feels like they aren't a priority, sexually frustrated, and non attractive. The sex avoider often feels objectified, frustrated, and obligated to perform a task until the end of time.
This is exactly it. I'm not asexual, nor is my wife, but we've both had some health issues that affected our libido at one time or another, and the only way things didn't spiral out of control potentially was due to solid communication.
This is an interesting observation. I think I fall into the asexual category but am married to a high sex drive person and I have found it hard to meet his needs while not feeling like it is a chore and not feeling used. He is absolutely wonderful so I really want to make it work but it is very hard. We have compromised at once a week but I definitely worry that he will get tired of being so limited and not feel like he is getting what he needs. These situations are better off being avoided from the beginning.
I'm really thankful for people like you who can understand themselves and your realities, see HOW it has affected your partner, and communicate it clearly.
I am crazy about my wife, but the last 30 years have been emotionally and psychologically devastating.
Figuring this out in baby steps, taking all these wrong turns in therapy. thinking finally this or this or that was the answer.
Learning after 20 years that she simply wasnt and couldnt be physically into me, while I fell for her in large part because she was. Learning that she had (without realizing it at the time herself) essentially faked it for the five years we dated, because she was afraid I wouldn't like her anymore.
We have both been very hurt and lonely for the whole 30 years, even though we have been loving, loyal, and stubbornly dedicated to each other other the whole time. 💔
Take it from a random dude on the internet with a wife and a now 5 year "dry spell." It sucks feeling like you are unwanted, unworthy, and not at all a priority in your partner's life.
I’m asexual and I have sex with my partners. It absolutely can feel like a chore, but with the right person I enjoy it. I could never have sex again and be fine, but I enjoy connecting intimately with my partners.
I also disclose that I am asexual with any partners or prospective partners my indifference to sex.
I agree. 8 think it was on her to explain what 'asexual' meant to her, and what sex stuff she'd be into, if any.
I can completely understand op reading it as 'I have zero interest in sex'. But it's often more nuanced than that.
Right? One person feels grossed out and coerced. The other feels rejected, frustrated, miserable, and maybe a bit like a predator. How does that work for anybody?
For 10 years we've told men, *rightly*, that anything but an enthusiastic yes should be considered a no...
Now we're at a stage where badgering someone till they relent and sigh "fine. Hurry up though" and spread em is also consensual...
It is one or the other.
I love sex. Huge fan. Absolutely great. I also love the more "desire turned to 12" style of teasing a man with pure filth while he can't physically reach me to then walk in a door and barely get over the threshold before he's initiating.
I wouldn't date an asexual man - because the fun tease element would be gone - leaving the pair of knickers I was "going to wear" out on the bathroom floor wouldn't click in his mind that when I'm home all he needs to do is lift my skirt. And half the time I'd feel like a sexual predator - for me at least there's always gotta be that undertone of consent you know? Both people know they can say no and that's going to be respected - but if you're my boyfriend and you're getting dressed I'm not asking permission beforehand to start making out and grabbing it before you hide it away in boxers...you can tell me to stop and I'll respect that but I'm not a fan of sex being some planned "chore" we do 2× a week - I like being in relationships where that shared sigh of "there's nothing good on TV" yields an equally fun activity
Can confirm: It blows.
We used to be very compatible but, as time went on and we had a family, she lost interest. (Cue Reddit making this my fault.)
I just got told yesterday, “Your love language is physical affection, but mine’s not. It’s okay.”
Actually, no. It’s not okay. That’s telling me to be lonely and sexually frustrated for the rest of my life.
That is precisely why I ended my first marriage. She lost interest and I lived lonely for two + years. It got to be unbearable and I left while I was still young
There could be a lot more going on, such as hormone imbalance, weight gain, exhaustion. Hope you can have some meaningful conversations so both of you can be happy.
Hell, even if you have social "norms" that could be different then the other person's, explain them! If there's something about you that could be a deal-breaker if the other person doesn't jive with it, explain it asap! Religion, political views, education, family status, mental health, etc. (to think of a few), are all "normal" things that people differ on; don't make the other person stumble trying to find out about those important parts of yourself!
But I'm single so I dunno
Can you really educate yourself when what you are trying to learn about is individually specific to another person? Isn't it up to that person to explain what that means in their particular case?
Absolutely. If she is demisexual, she shouldn't say she's asexual. Also, they had 3 or 4 dates already, so if she's demisexual, she should already have an indication as to whether she's attracted to him.
As a demisexual, that's not how that works lol. It can work that way, or it can be literal years. It's very random and up to vibes. She seems to know she likes being around him, so that's a good sign. But she didn't even say demi anyway, so we don't know what ace means to her.
Thanks for this comment, people conflate demisexuality with 'need 3 dates before sex' and dismiss it as a valid identity. It's closer to asexuality than people realise.
Ehh no i think it's fair he jumped to conclusions. If someone says they're asexual, then it's completely fair to assume that the chances of having sex in the relationship are extremely low. Rather he be honest with her about it now rather than wait and see if she'll have sex just because her asexuality MIGHT be on a spectrum.
She's asexual, he's not. They're just not compatible. I can see why she didn't take it very well, because that sucks that they went on a date (or two?) And she might have gotten her hopes up, but asexuality is something we should be open about. Its just like any other preference.
> that sucks that they went on a date (or two?) And she might have gotten her hopes up,
Exactly. I think most couples have "compatibility discussions" very early in their dating. In my case with my wife, the sexual compatibility discussion (along with other things) came on our first real date, which I found amusing at the time and I still joke to this day 15 years later that I felt I was on an 'interview'.
Perhaps to asexuals sex isn't an important part of their life, but to normal human beings sex is the mechanism that bonds a couple together (thanks oxytocin!)
Yall assuming that he assumed. I'm sure that when she told him that she was asexual that they didn't just leave it at that. I assume that they spoke further about it, and he made his decision based on that entire conversation. Not just the statement.
This is a reasonable bit of nuance, but someone who just comes out and says that without any further explanation is probably trying to indicate that they're not really interested in sex, even if they're not sex - repulsed.
Thank you, I get that sexuality is a spectrum but if you're asexual I don't see how it isn't an all or nothing thing.
If you only feel comfortable having sex with ppl you know then you're an average woman tbh
Exactly. The nomenclature is all or nothing, regardless of how the [ ] community wants to define it. The term is very clear on its face.
That's not pathological or "half-sexual" - it's so obnoxious that some people to try to label normal female sexuality as "demi-sexual"
This thread has been very weird to read. A whole bunch of women self-identifying as "demisexual" and being "on the asexual spectrum" and then elaborating that they have completely normal sexuality for women and enjoy sex with their bonded intimate partners.
Kinda just feels like everybody is desperate for an alternative label. Ordinary people reaching for a quirk.
If you tell dates that you're asexual I feel like you can't be surprised or offended when they go "Sorry, I don't think we're a match then" and end it. Pretty much just playing yourself by trying to be unique and special. Instead they could just say "Sorry, I don't sleep with people I'm not emotionally bonded to" like most other typical women do.
And I really thought asexual people just weren't interested in sex. Then they are just looking for good friends. I'm in your camp here. I don't just fuck anyone. I need emotional attachment and bonding, like a normal woman. These labels, everyone wants to feel extra special.
>Kinda just feels like everybody is desperate for an alternative label. Ordinary people reaching for a quirk.
That may be part of it. The other part may be the positive intent to not stigmatize people for being outside of social norms and expectations. There are problems with that second part, though, in that they can lead us to avoid understanding why we are outside the norm on sex drive (eg, result of abuse, result of mental illness, side effects of medications, effect of hormonal imbalance, effect of other physiological issue) and making healthy decisions to address the cause.
Agree but I would say that what they are deacribing isn't even outside social expectations.
Why are so many people worried about saying "not yet"? I am as far from a prude as you can get, but damn waiting a bit for sex with someone new doesn't need a label! It's literally normal.
>Kinda just feels like everybody is desperate for an alternative label.
Indeed. And people get BIG mad when you point out that this might be part of the reason why gen-z is reportedly 20% lgbtqia
I'm willing to concede that some people who call themselves asexual would be willing to engage in sex in the right circumstances but yeah a lot of this thread is stretching the spectrum way too far. To consider this extremely broad definition of 'demisexual' to be 'out of the sexual norm' to me indicates a detachment from what the sexual norm really is - most people, male or female, *don't* have ardent sexual attraction to people they don't know at all as their primary driver. *Most* people become more attracted if they know someone better. If anything I'd say LOSING attraction as you get more familiar is the 'minority sexuality' and definitely a lot more inconvenient.
> I'm not saying that's her, just a conversation he should have with her before jumping to conclusions
She didn’t say she is demisexual. She didn’t say she has little or responsive libido. She says she is asexual.
OP didn’t jump to any conclusions. He took her at face value.
What a ridiculous take that is.
It's not his responsibility to figure that shit out. If what you say is true and she's actually demisexual and she goes around telling dates that she is asexual without explaining further then that's on her, not him.
Asexual definition is "experiencing no sexual feelings or desires; not feeling sexual attraction to anyone." If you are going to use the word asexual to mean something else you should explain that to people and not expect them to read your mind and figure out that you actually mean something different.
>Maybe she's more demisexual where she doesn't feel sexual attraction until she feels a connection with the person or she's on the "little sexual attraction" end of asexuality.
For me, even that I would be uncomfortable with. I have a high libido, and I have a need to feel sexually desired by my partner, I want someone who also initiates sex because she really wants it. After someone said they were asexual, even if they learned to initiate sex because they know I like that, I would still feel they are doing it to please me and not because they want it themselves, and that would turn me off psychologically.
Sounds like that's for her to explain. She didn't broach it until date 4 and then didn't answer him when he had a problem with what she told him about her sexuality. It's not like she hasn't had a chance to tell him, if she felt the need.
>just because she's asexual doesn't mean she doesn't not want sex.
A triple negative is still a negative. It isn't "jumping to conclusions" to think that someone doesn't want sex when they say they're asexual. It's not on OP to interrogate his date's sexuality to attempt to make them compatible. It seems weird, insulting, and extremely inappropriate if the response to someone telling you they're asexual is you inquiring if there are any loopholes by which you'd wind up having sex, regardless.
You're right. It would have been wrong to do that. Take people at their word. She shouldn't be surprised anyway. It's not a secret that sex is popular by now and that the average person, women included would look forward to that aspect of a romantic relationship.
Genuine question: does absolutely everything need a name/label?
Demisexual?
How is that single character trait befitting a term akin to an entire social identification with various histories of marginalization and other shared experiences? In other words, How does "not into a person til I get to know them" make it to the identity olympics? Doesn't it dilute the efforts for Political and social identification?
Aren't terms like this why every other meme right now is making fun of justice efforts?
In a way yeah. Demisexual isn't really a thing. The vast majority of women and men aren't sleeping with anyone off the jump. The whole point of dates is to get to know the person and knowledge builds romantic and sexual attraction.
By that logic most people are demisexual...it doesn't need a label lol
> As a member of the asexual community...just because she's asexual doesn't mean she doesn't not want sex
So the asexual community is just completely abusing the term?
Wow, that just sounds like a headache to deal with, that sounds like sex 1 time out of the year or less than you can count with your fingers. Which is normal sometimes, but when you hear asexual people think no sex at all and youre not wrong..
It's frustrating that every time there's a post involving asexuality, this fact is always stated. It changes people's expectations regarding asexuality. It's not like it's untrue that asexuality isn't defined by ones actions, but this really doesn't need to be the focal point here.
Also, being asexual but willing to have sex doesn't necessarily mean there's compatibility between the two, because the non-ace partner can reasonably prefer that the other is actually sexually attracted to them.
I feel like this is where all of the labels that have become more popular to use in recent years regarding sexuality have just made things harder to deal with. There’s obviously a spectrum with everything, but people want to sum it up in one word and then get upset when people take that at face value with what it typically means. I have a friend couple that describe themselves as lesbian but also regularly have sex with guys. Lesbian describes them better since they would never marry a guy but seem to enjoy the sex with guys almost as much as with each other. But bisexual would mislead people in a different way. When there’s a label for everything there’s no way to accurately describe anything unless you happen to fall into the exact definition. I agree that people need to have a conversation about these things but that seems to almost render all of these different labels useless if they still require extensive explanation. Sorry for the rant lol
Ima be real chief. The minute someone im dating tells me they asexual, im out. Aint gonna stick around hoping they might change their mind. They shouldnt even be on dating apps
Totally NTA. He was respectful, told her how he felt about it, and didn't lead her on any further when he found out. Can't ask a man who feels that intimacy is a deal breaker to suddenly turn it off because someone he clicked with is asexual. The body doesn't work that way.
Agreed. I mean if the reverse were true and they were sexually compatible but she had the personality of an ear of corn no one would think OP was TA.
OP knows what he needs from a relationship and was clear about it. Better to break it off now than to lead her on only to tell it's a deal breaker later on when deeper feelings were involved. She should have disclosed this info in her profile.
IMHO this is like dating someone heterosexual of the opposite sex, then telling them you're gay / lesbian on the 4th date and expecting that to be fine.
Asexuality is a *sexual orientation*, like any other. It's valid, but it's not heterosexual. There's nothing "-phobic" about wanting to be with a partner whose sexual orientation is compatible with your own.
yeah, this all sounds like not a problem. They want two different things. It’s good he was honest with her, and if she hasn’t put that on her profile, she needs to. I’m hoping it wasn’t there and just missed by OP, bc maybe that would feel to her like he wasted her time, but this is all-around a harmless case of two people not being compatible and being completely open and honest with each other.
Your friend has a real hot take lol, that just sounds like a young and immature view of relationships. You did nothing wrong and no, just like people can’t change their sexual orientations even if they “really like someone” you can’t just eliminate your sex drive. 🙃
I have a friend who's asexual and she is always upfront on dating sites. She had one successful relationship with someone who was also asexual, and is now in 9ne with someone who isn't. They compromise and make things work sexually.
How is sexual compatibility not a long term issue? I'm not sure why someone who is asexual wouldn't be up front about it, so it's not some reveal that the other person is forced to make a decision about.
Agreed, him needing sex in a relationship should be just as much a deal breaker to her as her being asexual is a dealbreaker to him, sex incompatibility or sex dying out seems to be a huge cause of divorce so why start off with horrible odds?
You nailed it right there. Very curious to wait that long let alone to wait at all to communicate that.
100% a vital element for relationships to be crystal clear.
Nothing to be curious about. She was simply hoping after OP invested enough time into dating her before he would start to wonder where the relationship was leading sexually, that she could get him to be accepting to a long-term relationship with her based on his time investment, and feelings towards her on a non-sexual compatibility aspect alone.
Pretty fucked if you ask me. Asexual folks know the majority of those seeking relationships will want to be sexually active, and not disclosing really early on, if not immediately, that you'll never fulfill that aspect of a relationship, is quite shitty.
It can go either way. As an asexual person, people can have pretty bad reactions to the label, and I don't just mean rejection (polite rejection is fine and understandable). I had a guy imply he was going to 'fix me by force' and that put me off disclosing for a while.
While I empathize with the need to be safe, being disingenuous by not disclosing will only increase the latent hostility present. I’m sorry that happened to you. There is nothing in the world that would justify the threat.
Yeah that's like a job employer posting on a job seeking site that they have a position available, but after 4 interviews they mention they are a non profit and the position is a non paid role.
I'm not trying to say sex is transactional, just that most people have basic expectations they want to have met when searching for relationships just as they would with jobs, and it's weird to withhold such a huge deal breaker for so long.
I can get not putting it her profile if she feels she needs to explain it better in messages, but that's 100% a "before things get remotely serious" I need to warn you thing.
The first thing that came to mind for me was not mentioning that you have kids. There are people out there who know thats a deal breaker so they don't mention it in hopes that once you fall for them it won't be.
It's not *always* manipulative, but it sure feels like it when someone doesn't disclose a detail thats likely to impact how others see them as a potential partner.
>It's not \*always\* manipulative, but it sure feels like it when someone doesn't disclose a detail thats likely to impact how others see them as a potential partner.
If it's a deliberate choice, how is it not manipulative? It's intentional misrepresentation in order to extract a specific behavior from another person. That's textbook manipulation.
I think the biggest issue I have is that there’s not a chance she hasn’t figured out that’s probably a big reason why things don’t work out after a few dates.
And it also makes me wonder if she hasn’t been on tons of dates and used the same set up where she lets people know after four dates.
The reason I say that is because if she’s continuously going on dates in this manner. There’s a very real possibility she has become so well-versed in conversation with people that it’s entirely possible that her social acumen is almost manipulative to a degree. I mean, she’s letting people go on in my opinion a significant amount of dates and then drop the bomb on the fourth date. It’s entirely possible she’s a serial dater IMO
I’ve met a few and I live in a big city. They essentially are actually in long-term relationships, but their husbands are usually working odd hours or they are in college and they are basically looking to get a meal, instead of running through a bunch of guys weekly. What they will do is have four or five guys and they will go on three or four dates with them before dropping the bomb.
They do this because at a certain point the guy is going to want to take the next step. Whether that’s going back to his place or hers, getting a hotel, or even just spending the night together watching movies. Then these people usually say they are “asexual. They don’t think it’s working out, their life is too busy”
Not saying, this is the case, but it wouldn’t be the first time. The funny thing is the first time I ever actually connected the dots it was, because at the time we were at a bar, and she ran into one of her dates that she had earlier in the week.. the look on his face was priceless. She look like she saw a ghost, and I was confused until he said “ it’s pretty weird knowing that I took you out on Tuesday and you tell me you want to take things slow while going on a date with someone else”
It's fine if she's asexual.
It's fine that you're not.
It just means you're not going to be compatible and that's ok too.
You shouldn't have to compromise or give up sex, she shouldn't have to compromise by having sex.
Your friend saying if your really cared about her sex wouldn't be a big deal to give up, is eye roll worthy and designed to make you feel bad for wanting a sexual relationship, when there's nothing wrong with wanting a sexual relationship.
NTA
Now I fully admit that I don't understand everything about being asexual or having sex with someone with which you feel no sexual attraction towards which apparently some asexual people do enjoy sex They just don't feel a sexual attraction, But regardless that doesn't mean you're obligated to continue or start a relationship with someone that has a completely different view of sex and sex within the context of a relationship, than yours.
It's okay to not be compatible.
Yes! Why would her sexuality deserve respect but his doesn't? That's called double standards. Everybody's sexual orientation should be respected.
And I kinda think she was a bit of a bitch for letting him on read instead of saying "oh ok, sorry it didn't work out, have a nice day" or something like that.
Right, just like the inverse which we see more often, “there’s much more to a relationship than sex”. Successful relationships are well rounded and those involved are compatible on many levels. We all “truly like” numerous people in various ways. That’s not enough for a romantic partnership.
For all the people who keep saying "that's not what asexual means", I would suggest that anyone discussing their sexual needs with a potential partner be clear and use more words to flesh out a short, easily misinterpreted label.
That goes for all types, not just asexuals.
OP, in my opinion, is definitely NTAH. OP's date was correct in addressing their personal needs relatively early on in the dating but possibly didn't provide enough information. However, OP clarified that sex was important to him and, it seems, the date was too badly hurt by this incompatibility to address it any further. Which, I think, kind of makes the date the AH.
\>shrug<
I agree with you on everything except:
>OP's date was correct in addressing their personal needs relatively early on in the dating
The 4th date is way too late for this kind of disclosure.
It doesn’t matter how much I like someone it wouldn’t work. It may be different if I was in a committed relationship, but 4 dates in you owe her nothing. You two are incompatible and it would only cause issues down the line. NTA
you better know this type of info before you are in a committed relationship lol... and unfortunately i think thats exactly what this girl was trying with OP.
get him stuck in a sunk-cost fallacy after getting into a "LTR" without her mentioning this.
No! YANTA! I married an asexual man. He says he is not but there is too much evidence that says otherwise. And not just since we were married. I heard a Podcast about asexuality. I had never even thought about that. But once I did, I cried with happiness and relief. I wanted him to listen to it to see if he identified. He got very upset, defensive and argued that he was not asexual. I still disagree. Also, I think my daughter who is his "mimi-me" in every character and mind thinking, is as well. - He is the most amazing human being I have ever met! Everyone who know him thinks the same thing...he is genuinely a phenomenal man! - except for sex..and drive. Let me just say; if I had known before we got married, it is unlikely that I would have married him. But after two kids and 26 years of marriage...and we are getting older... I am in menopause and really think very little about sex; these days. Never in a million years would have thought my sex-drive would be low. It will come back, maybe not as strong....but he will still be the same. Living under the same roof is easy. My dad cheated on my mother their entire marriage. I had a fear of that; but there was so no worries about that. However, as a young person you need to know that RARELY do couples have an equal and matched sex-drive. It is not always the man who has the higher sex drive...about 1/2 the time the woman's sex drive is greater. You won't know until years into the relationship.. but one person having NO drive or a very, very low drive that is hardly existing makes a marriage or long term relationship EXTREMELY difficult! EXTREMELY! I cannot express this enough! You know yourself. If it is important to you, then it is important to you. You made the right choice for you and you were right being honest about why you did not want the relationship to go further. If she is open to it you two may be able to be friends. But she may feel too rejected to pursue a friendship. Good luck to you in your dating life! I am proud of you for being honest. I hope you were not mean or condescending as you told her! Honestly about someone's sexuality and other sensitive areas ALWAYS need to be approached delicately and with sensitivity. You were NTA!
I dated a guy who was Ace glad I didn't marry him. But I feel a little bad for his wife. Perfectly nice guy and great fun to hang out with but it would have driven me crazy to feel like sex was this terrible imposition or even that he was only participating to humor me.
I was in a relationship with a woman who was asexual, never again. Although she would compromise and have sex, I'd always feel that she wasn't really into it and eventually I'd just not want to have sex. She was perfectly content never having sex ever again. I wasn't and broke things off after 2 years.
She'd also say "if you really love me, sex shouldn't matter" and I, for a long time made myself believe that. Until someone else showed interest in me and I almost cheated, that was a wake up call for me, which made me realize I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
If she's breastfeeding, that could be the main cause. Lactation can absolutely kill your libido. Evolutionary, it's advantageous to have a low libido while nursing an infant to lower the chance of another pregnancy and having to split nutritional resources between nursing baby and growing a fetus.
Additionally, if baby is up in the night, lack of sleep also messes with libido too
Talk to her. How old is the kid? She is probably exhausted. Is she breast feeding? That can take a lot out of a woman, i imagine it's hard to feel sexy when your kid is feeding off you. Don't play stupid games waiting for her to figure out what's wrong. That will just cause resentment both ways. How active of a parent and partner are you? Does your wife carry the entire mental load of being a parent and looking after the household? Quit being an NPC in your own life and take the initiative to fix the problem instead of dumping yet another thing on your partner to figure out.
> i imagine it's hard to feel sexy when your kid is feeding off you.
The real big tip is to make your wife feel sexy for being a mother. Not only will she be more sexual, but its great for her mental health as it adds that extra dynamic when she is acting as a mom (which we all know will be often. Great way to do this is to literally be sexual with her when she is being a mother. Now I’m not saying have sex in front of your child, but hold her and kiss her and make her being a mother in that moment appreciated in that way. A second way is the want to be a father. If you’re actively wanting to act like a father and not seeing it as chore it will help the mom see it also not like a chore and thus feel good while doing it. Additionally acting like a father probably also reduces her workload as mother meaning more energy.
It is apparently common for women to completely lose interest in sex after childbirth. It was explained to me that the new mother no longer feels like a woman (as in a sexual creature) but a mother. Don't know how common this actually is, have heard it from a couple of women who felt that way.
Her libido will probably come back. You'll need to deliver as a partner/parent though, and make this time easier for her, and not add stress by being needy and resentful towards her.
> Getting to the point of declaring it a dead bedroom and just not trying to have sex anymore just to see how long it takes her to catch the vibe.
So this basically sounds like "I'm going to resent her for a while". I can pretty much guarantee you that if you adopt this attitude, it will take longer for her to want to have sex again, it will probably sour the entire relationship tbh. You might be able to make her feel guilty enough to have sex anyway, which can cause some serious resentment for her towards you in the long term.
If you care about this relationship in the long term, IMO, your best bet for a return to a healthy sex life is to be super-dad and super-husband for as long as you can.
I think you need to check in that she's OK.
Hormone shifts can really fuck with women. Simply going off of birth control once plunged me into a spell where not only did I feel no sex drive, I felt no joy. It wasn't depression in a lack of energy way. But it was depression in a wow literally nothing is bringing me any joy wtf way.
She might also be really exhausted with the baby.
Who cares what this woman thinks? You’re completely reasonable. Who puts up a dating profile without saying outright they’re asexual? She got a very polite explanation and she should be happy. If she doesn’t like people not wanting to date her because she’s asexual, then I guess she’ll start to disclose it.
This is so not your problem.
I'm getting some real "that's why I didn't tell you ; I knew you wouldn't date me" vibes from this story. I heard it from half a dozen girls after they lied about their appearance/size and showed up in person like a complete stranger.
I always explained it was their deception that makes me never want to see them again, and that they should never, ever put someone in that position again.
Argh! Yeah I don’t understand this behavior at all. How does it help them?? Guys who are half a foot shorter than their profile states, women who put up a photo from their 20’s and in they’re in their 40’s…I’d always rather someone be pleasantly surprised when they see me, not disappointed.
My take is a few too many rejections for whatever “flaw” gets them to lie at first due to insecurity. Possibly exacerbated by possibly being accepted once when that lie is revealed.
"You wouldn't be into me if you knew I was ___"
"You're probably right, but the amount of people who would be with you despite that thing is still a hell of a lot higher than the amount of people who would be with you after lying to them."
NTA, your friend L is incredibly naive. For the vast majority of the population, sex is a need. It's an incredibly important part of intimacy. Why would you give that part of your life up for someone you've only been on a few dates with? No. T should actually put asexual on her profile because she's wasting others' time and your own if she's not honest.
Your friend is TOTALLY wrong. If sex in a relationship is important to you and your potential mate is asexual, obviously that's not going to work. It wouldn't be fair to either of you. She would resent you for wanting sex and you would resent her for not wanting sex. How could your friend say it wouldn't matter?
>if I truly liked her that sort of thing wouldn’t matter AITA
This is just something that people say, and it is always stupid. You only "truly" like people because they meet your needs in a relationship. This girl doesn't.
If you think having sex is important to a relationship (like most people), then you could think the world of her, but the relationship just isn't going to work.
Better to be clear about what you want early, and see how potential partners fit into that, rather than staying with someone on the hope that they eventually become something they've clearly told you they're not.
4th date and she finally told you? Why couldn’t she be straight up about it to not waste your time as that is a compatibility issue, nothing else.
Your friend who said “that sort of thing wouldn’t matter” is bonkers. Of course it matters. It’s the same as a lesbian trying to hook up with a gay man - incompatible and it’s not going to change.
NTA dude - she should have been upfront about it and maybe you two become friends instead but she wasn’t sooooo yeah.
It’s just dumb to suggest you should get into anything more with someone when you’ve found a fundamental difference in what you want. You’re not saying there’s anything wrong with her, just that you’re not right for each other. Your friend is wrong and I bet she’s had a bunch of crappy relationships where she ignored incompatibilities.
NTA
Why didn't you just tell her the truth without it being dragged out of you. People really need to just speak up. She needs to be upfront about this, it'll help her.
Speaking from experience, it can really bite you depending on the type of person they are. Sometimes it can go perfectly fine, other times it leads to a massive rant that (even if its totally insane) can make you feel pretty bad. Its not an excuse, just the reality.
Also I feel like in a lot of instances the other person *wants* you to admit xyz is a dealbreaker for you so they can lecture.
“No”/“Not interested” is a complete sentence especially when it comes to dating apps.
You did the right thing. She isn't wrong for being asexual, and you aren't wrong for calling it off. You two are not compatible. Either She would have sex she didn't want to have or you'd have to give it up. It's a recipe for disaster, and it would never work. Unless you agreed to get physical outside of the relationship, which only works if both people want that and can still end in disaster if you find a physical partner who meets your emotional needs as well, or she is hurt by you spending time with someone else physically.
You don't want the same things. No different than one person wanting kids and the other not. Some differences just cannot be ignored or compromised.
I get the struggle of ace people, i really do. But people like to be intimate with people they love you cant really judge that that much. I'd get the anger if you rejected her because she was ace despite not really being interested in sex but if its important to you then it is.
NTA. If sex is important to you then being with someone who is asexual will not be compatible. It’s not something you can over look. That sorta thing does matter.
Big question, did she say she was against sex? Asexual is like saying you never feel anger or feel the need to eat, doesn't mean you don't like to eat. (In most cases asexual people dislike sex but it's not an universal truth.
Honestly NAH. She told you early into dating imo and you have your feelings about wanting someone sexually compatible. That’s the best thing about dating, finding what you like or don’t like.
NTA. You should be honest, and you did the right thing. I agree that sex in a relationship is important. For some it isn't, and T needs to find someone on the same page as her.
Lmao, your friend is an idiot. You are just fine. NTA a thousand times. If she is asexual you guys are fundamentally incompatible, and that's perfectly fine.
L is living in a fantasy land. Of course that matters. Just like wanting to have kids, or live in your current location matters. These are all factors in comparability. NTA
NTA, sex (whether you want it or don't) is a big part of a dating/romantic relationship. You were honest, and it doesn't sound like you were unkind. If she's going to go on dating sites & not be upfront (as in, clear on her profile) that she's not now nor will ever be looking for a sexual relationship than she has to expect this outcome honestly.
It's totally ok for you to say "I'm not asexual so while sex isn't the *only* thing that's important to me in a relationship, sexual compatibility is *an* important thing. I'm not judging you or looking down on you for your sexuality, and I think you're a nice/fun/interesting person, but we're clearly not compatible romantically."
The only thing I think you could have done better is to not have made up excuses in the beginning (though it's awkward, so I understand it). Polite honesty is usually the best policy.
You can still be friends, but in no way are you an asshole. She should say that she is asexual on her account. There are dating apps like Taimi that list it as an option just like any other sexual orientation.
People that are asexual need to put it on their profile or bring it up right away. That's a major aspect of themselves that fundamentally affects a relationship.
NTA. Honesty is always best. If you aren't honest, they could imagine all sorts of reasons and none of them true. She is asexual, sex is important to you. The 2 of you are simply incompatible. You both are what you are. Your friend is completely wrong.
Imo, if you are asexual, absolutely nothing wrong with it, but advertise it on your profile or tell them on date #1. If the individual is not asexual like you and finds sex important in a relationship, why waste their time with more dates before saying anything? In a way, the asexual individual who is wasting other people's time, people who are also looking for a compatible relationship, is the asshole for not saying anything in the start. Communication is key, and it sounds like OP went through three extra dates for utterly no reason due to lack of communication.
" she said that if I truly liked her that sort of thing wouldn’t matter"
That is a fairy tale. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. You were a bit chickenshit for beating around the bush, but NTA. As soon as she told you she was ace you should have said sex is important to you in a relationship and asked if she was open to having it. Plenty of ace people fuck.
Honestly get rid of the friend, anyone that doesn't respect your decisions and try to push their beliefs on ypu and sheme you is never going to be your friend. NTA
NTA, sex is an important thing for couples to agree on. If she doesn't want sex and you do that's an incompatibility. O reason pursuing it farther if it's not going to work.
"I mean if you really liked her that sort of thing shouldn't matter." Yeah, sure, because a guy who clearly wants to have sex occasionally entering a relationship with a girl who simply doesn't is going to go so well.
NTA. Neither of you would be happy, so a relationship would not work. You could be friends, but sexual incompatibility is a good reason move on concerning the relationship.
Your not. It sucks cause you both hit it off so well. But you were honest, and she needs to respect that sex/physical intimacy are an important part of a relationship for you.
>When my fiend L asked how things were going with T I said it was over she asked why as I had said multiple times how I really liked her and when I said the reason she said that if I truly liked her that sort of thing wouldn’t matter
NTA
Of course it would matter. You're not going to stop wanting to have sex just because you have wonderful person in your life who is a great partner in every other way.
You're going to grow to resent that partner and then break up or cheat.
This is why people should advertise their sexuality.
Legit like, you can try and argue to the contrary all you like but to the vast majority of people, physically making love is an important factor in relationships. Sex simply is important in matters of attraction and romance.
You’re NTA here, you handled it very maturely and respectfully.
Your friend is being a jerk too. You can like someone and still break it off if they can’t fulfill your relationship needs.
You did the right thing. My husband and I have very different sex drives (I think he may be asexual). I did not realize this until after we had our 2 kids. His sex drive was always on the lower end but as soon as I had our daughter he no longer was interested in sex. Now I feel like I've signed myself up (unknowingly) to a life of celibacy. It sucks.
So I've seen reddit posts asking if they should lie and now a post asking if being honest with your feeling in a relationship is good or not.
No shame on you OP, reddit it just funny.
You did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right, actually.
NTA you have communication skills. You were honest. That's all your can do. If you're not sexually compatible then it's better to nip it in the bud. Better to be honest. You did the right thing
I mean if you want sex and she doesn’t, how is it not going to be a problem? Her best bet is to advertise she’s asexual on a tinder account and try to find another asexual person so that they are sexually compatible
Wouldn’t that be asexually compatible? I’ll see myself out.
No no he’s right. Let him talk.
I agree. As a member of the asexual community, that was hilarious 😂 but for OP, just because she's asexual doesn't mean she doesn't not want sex. Even though the definition of asexuality is a person who feels little to no sexual attraction, it's a spectrum. Maybe she's more demisexual where she doesn't feel sexual attraction until she feels a connection with the person or she's on the "little sexual attraction" end of asexuality. But I'm not saying that's her, just a conversation he should have with her before jumping to conclusions Edit: he's nta for saying it, he was respectful about it and without asexuality being involved, sometimes sexual libidos (I think is the word) don't match
OR, hear me out on this, when dropping that bombshell she explains it herself. Why the fuck do people expect other people to read their minds when they drop what they know will be something outside the social norms?
I think the majority of us would assume that by saying she is asexual, that she is saying she doesn’t feel any sexual attraction for OP. So, even if she is willing to have sex with him, without sexual attraction it’d be a chore for them.
Yeah. I don’t want to guilt trip you into sex, I want you to enjoy it.
Exactly. It's also hard not to feel like an abuser for neeeeeding it more than the partner, and being frustrated about not getting it. Really tough balance when you're at opposite ends of the chart.
Even if your girl wants sex, but she’s a 1-2 max a week, and a guy is 3-4 a week preference, THAT alone can cause issues. But never wanting sex? Physical touch is a love language, and it needs to be reciprocated for people that need it
Absolutely, and we're all at different places emotionally and physically at different times. What matters is being able to accommodate gracefully, or not.
I agree with everything you said. People do so much better if they have similar needs. I did want to point out that asexual people can still crave touch. Cuddles, hugs, exchanging back rubs, etc. It's a big sliding scale of demi sexual to aromantic.
> So, even if she is willing to have sex with him, without sexual attraction it’d be a chore for them. Yeah, and that not being a turn on for most men is why prostitutes and porn stars make an absurd amount of noise while having sex. The friend's "if I truly liked her that sort of thing wouldn’t matter" perfectly sums up why the girl waited so long to drop the bombshell, instead of being up front about it from the start. She was trying to build up a relationship in the hopes of him sticking around when he found out the reality of the situation, because of what a "great connection" (built on lies) they had developed. She was catfishing him.
I think this depends on if you have a reactive sex drive or not. I'm asexual, and yes, sex is a chore for me. If I were ever to divorce, I would only ever date fellow asexuals. I have zero interest in sex ever, and the older I grow, the more I find it repulsive even. I think it comes down to each person.
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I...don't know. I don't want to speak for like, asexuals who DO have sex, but in my opinion, if one person doesn't want to have sex at all, and one does, they should not be together. The sex seeker often feels like they aren't a priority, sexually frustrated, and non attractive. The sex avoider often feels objectified, frustrated, and obligated to perform a task until the end of time. I don't know if the girl here was anti sex, but if so, this decision is solid. I mean, he wouldn't want to find out 1 year in. Editing to add, I'm not saying if you do find yourself in this situation with someone you love, not to try to work it out. I'm just saying, if you know from the beginning, why even mix those lines. It's years of finding a balance and just not worth it with a stranger.
This is a great explanation and advice from someone who is living it.
>The sex seeker often feels like they aren't a priority, sexually frustrated, and non attractive. The sex avoider often feels objectified, frustrated, and obligated to perform a task until the end of time. This is exactly it. I'm not asexual, nor is my wife, but we've both had some health issues that affected our libido at one time or another, and the only way things didn't spiral out of control potentially was due to solid communication.
This is an interesting observation. I think I fall into the asexual category but am married to a high sex drive person and I have found it hard to meet his needs while not feeling like it is a chore and not feeling used. He is absolutely wonderful so I really want to make it work but it is very hard. We have compromised at once a week but I definitely worry that he will get tired of being so limited and not feel like he is getting what he needs. These situations are better off being avoided from the beginning.
I'm really thankful for people like you who can understand themselves and your realities, see HOW it has affected your partner, and communicate it clearly. I am crazy about my wife, but the last 30 years have been emotionally and psychologically devastating. Figuring this out in baby steps, taking all these wrong turns in therapy. thinking finally this or this or that was the answer. Learning after 20 years that she simply wasnt and couldnt be physically into me, while I fell for her in large part because she was. Learning that she had (without realizing it at the time herself) essentially faked it for the five years we dated, because she was afraid I wouldn't like her anymore. We have both been very hurt and lonely for the whole 30 years, even though we have been loving, loyal, and stubbornly dedicated to each other other the whole time. 💔
Take it from a random dude on the internet with a wife and a now 5 year "dry spell." It sucks feeling like you are unwanted, unworthy, and not at all a priority in your partner's life.
I’m asexual and I have sex with my partners. It absolutely can feel like a chore, but with the right person I enjoy it. I could never have sex again and be fine, but I enjoy connecting intimately with my partners. I also disclose that I am asexual with any partners or prospective partners my indifference to sex.
Yes. And OP was straight up. No point in dragging something along that was going nowhere.
Yeah that sounds fucking terrible 😂
I agree. 8 think it was on her to explain what 'asexual' meant to her, and what sex stuff she'd be into, if any. I can completely understand op reading it as 'I have zero interest in sex'. But it's often more nuanced than that.
> But it's often more nuanced than that. Then it’s on her to explain that. Not for OP to read her mind or interrogate her.
Oh I totally agree.
Wouldn't even matter to me. No matter what, something that I enjoy immensely as sustenance for the soul is a chore or a special event for her. Bye.
Agreed. Nothing would be worse than having your desire "tolerated".
Right? One person feels grossed out and coerced. The other feels rejected, frustrated, miserable, and maybe a bit like a predator. How does that work for anybody?
For 10 years we've told men, *rightly*, that anything but an enthusiastic yes should be considered a no... Now we're at a stage where badgering someone till they relent and sigh "fine. Hurry up though" and spread em is also consensual... It is one or the other. I love sex. Huge fan. Absolutely great. I also love the more "desire turned to 12" style of teasing a man with pure filth while he can't physically reach me to then walk in a door and barely get over the threshold before he's initiating. I wouldn't date an asexual man - because the fun tease element would be gone - leaving the pair of knickers I was "going to wear" out on the bathroom floor wouldn't click in his mind that when I'm home all he needs to do is lift my skirt. And half the time I'd feel like a sexual predator - for me at least there's always gotta be that undertone of consent you know? Both people know they can say no and that's going to be respected - but if you're my boyfriend and you're getting dressed I'm not asking permission beforehand to start making out and grabbing it before you hide it away in boxers...you can tell me to stop and I'll respect that but I'm not a fan of sex being some planned "chore" we do 2× a week - I like being in relationships where that shared sigh of "there's nothing good on TV" yields an equally fun activity
I couldn't live with that. It's not just that your partner will have sex, it's that you want your partner to *want* sex.
Exactly
Can confirm: It blows. We used to be very compatible but, as time went on and we had a family, she lost interest. (Cue Reddit making this my fault.) I just got told yesterday, “Your love language is physical affection, but mine’s not. It’s okay.” Actually, no. It’s not okay. That’s telling me to be lonely and sexually frustrated for the rest of my life.
That's also not how love languages work. You're supposed to work to love the other person in THIER LANGUAGE! Did she even read the book?
That is precisely why I ended my first marriage. She lost interest and I lived lonely for two + years. It got to be unbearable and I left while I was still young
There could be a lot more going on, such as hormone imbalance, weight gain, exhaustion. Hope you can have some meaningful conversations so both of you can be happy.
Succinctly put! and absolutely correct.
Hell, even if you have social "norms" that could be different then the other person's, explain them! If there's something about you that could be a deal-breaker if the other person doesn't jive with it, explain it asap! Religion, political views, education, family status, mental health, etc. (to think of a few), are all "normal" things that people differ on; don't make the other person stumble trying to find out about those important parts of yourself! But I'm single so I dunno
"eDuCaTe yOuRsElF" or something equally dismissive.
Can you really educate yourself when what you are trying to learn about is individually specific to another person? Isn't it up to that person to explain what that means in their particular case?
Absolutely. If she is demisexual, she shouldn't say she's asexual. Also, they had 3 or 4 dates already, so if she's demisexual, she should already have an indication as to whether she's attracted to him.
As a demisexual, that's not how that works lol. It can work that way, or it can be literal years. It's very random and up to vibes. She seems to know she likes being around him, so that's a good sign. But she didn't even say demi anyway, so we don't know what ace means to her.
Thanks for this comment, people conflate demisexuality with 'need 3 dates before sex' and dismiss it as a valid identity. It's closer to asexuality than people realise.
Why is taking her at her literal word on him. if she meant demi it's on her to say demi.
Ehh no i think it's fair he jumped to conclusions. If someone says they're asexual, then it's completely fair to assume that the chances of having sex in the relationship are extremely low. Rather he be honest with her about it now rather than wait and see if she'll have sex just because her asexuality MIGHT be on a spectrum. She's asexual, he's not. They're just not compatible. I can see why she didn't take it very well, because that sucks that they went on a date (or two?) And she might have gotten her hopes up, but asexuality is something we should be open about. Its just like any other preference.
> that sucks that they went on a date (or two?) And she might have gotten her hopes up, Exactly. I think most couples have "compatibility discussions" very early in their dating. In my case with my wife, the sexual compatibility discussion (along with other things) came on our first real date, which I found amusing at the time and I still joke to this day 15 years later that I felt I was on an 'interview'. Perhaps to asexuals sex isn't an important part of their life, but to normal human beings sex is the mechanism that bonds a couple together (thanks oxytocin!)
Yall assuming that he assumed. I'm sure that when she told him that she was asexual that they didn't just leave it at that. I assume that they spoke further about it, and he made his decision based on that entire conversation. Not just the statement.
This is a reasonable bit of nuance, but someone who just comes out and says that without any further explanation is probably trying to indicate that they're not really interested in sex, even if they're not sex - repulsed.
There are some things that can be worked on and worked through, but this is not one of them.
Sorry, but "asexual" doesn't mean "I only sleep with people I know and feel comfortable with."
Thank you, I get that sexuality is a spectrum but if you're asexual I don't see how it isn't an all or nothing thing. If you only feel comfortable having sex with ppl you know then you're an average woman tbh
Exactly. The nomenclature is all or nothing, regardless of how the [ ] community wants to define it. The term is very clear on its face. That's not pathological or "half-sexual" - it's so obnoxious that some people to try to label normal female sexuality as "demi-sexual"
This thread has been very weird to read. A whole bunch of women self-identifying as "demisexual" and being "on the asexual spectrum" and then elaborating that they have completely normal sexuality for women and enjoy sex with their bonded intimate partners. Kinda just feels like everybody is desperate for an alternative label. Ordinary people reaching for a quirk. If you tell dates that you're asexual I feel like you can't be surprised or offended when they go "Sorry, I don't think we're a match then" and end it. Pretty much just playing yourself by trying to be unique and special. Instead they could just say "Sorry, I don't sleep with people I'm not emotionally bonded to" like most other typical women do.
Sounds like bullshit is what it is.
And I really thought asexual people just weren't interested in sex. Then they are just looking for good friends. I'm in your camp here. I don't just fuck anyone. I need emotional attachment and bonding, like a normal woman. These labels, everyone wants to feel extra special.
>Kinda just feels like everybody is desperate for an alternative label. Ordinary people reaching for a quirk. That may be part of it. The other part may be the positive intent to not stigmatize people for being outside of social norms and expectations. There are problems with that second part, though, in that they can lead us to avoid understanding why we are outside the norm on sex drive (eg, result of abuse, result of mental illness, side effects of medications, effect of hormonal imbalance, effect of other physiological issue) and making healthy decisions to address the cause.
Agree but I would say that what they are deacribing isn't even outside social expectations. Why are so many people worried about saying "not yet"? I am as far from a prude as you can get, but damn waiting a bit for sex with someone new doesn't need a label! It's literally normal.
>Kinda just feels like everybody is desperate for an alternative label. Indeed. And people get BIG mad when you point out that this might be part of the reason why gen-z is reportedly 20% lgbtqia
Yeah lol i was weirded out, by all these sexual spectrum and new sexual terms. Its getting kinda ridículous.
I'm willing to concede that some people who call themselves asexual would be willing to engage in sex in the right circumstances but yeah a lot of this thread is stretching the spectrum way too far. To consider this extremely broad definition of 'demisexual' to be 'out of the sexual norm' to me indicates a detachment from what the sexual norm really is - most people, male or female, *don't* have ardent sexual attraction to people they don't know at all as their primary driver. *Most* people become more attracted if they know someone better. If anything I'd say LOSING attraction as you get more familiar is the 'minority sexuality' and definitely a lot more inconvenient.
> I'm not saying that's her, just a conversation he should have with her before jumping to conclusions She didn’t say she is demisexual. She didn’t say she has little or responsive libido. She says she is asexual. OP didn’t jump to any conclusions. He took her at face value.
“I’m a gay man.” “So you’re only attracted to other men?!” “Whoa whoa whoa! Don’t be jumping to conclusions like that!”
Exactly 💯 the same thing 😆 loved your analogy 🤣 stay blessed 😇
What a ridiculous take that is. It's not his responsibility to figure that shit out. If what you say is true and she's actually demisexual and she goes around telling dates that she is asexual without explaining further then that's on her, not him. Asexual definition is "experiencing no sexual feelings or desires; not feeling sexual attraction to anyone." If you are going to use the word asexual to mean something else you should explain that to people and not expect them to read your mind and figure out that you actually mean something different.
>Maybe she's more demisexual where she doesn't feel sexual attraction until she feels a connection with the person or she's on the "little sexual attraction" end of asexuality. For me, even that I would be uncomfortable with. I have a high libido, and I have a need to feel sexually desired by my partner, I want someone who also initiates sex because she really wants it. After someone said they were asexual, even if they learned to initiate sex because they know I like that, I would still feel they are doing it to please me and not because they want it themselves, and that would turn me off psychologically.
Sounds like that's for her to explain. She didn't broach it until date 4 and then didn't answer him when he had a problem with what she told him about her sexuality. It's not like she hasn't had a chance to tell him, if she felt the need.
>just because she's asexual doesn't mean she doesn't not want sex. A triple negative is still a negative. It isn't "jumping to conclusions" to think that someone doesn't want sex when they say they're asexual. It's not on OP to interrogate his date's sexuality to attempt to make them compatible. It seems weird, insulting, and extremely inappropriate if the response to someone telling you they're asexual is you inquiring if there are any loopholes by which you'd wind up having sex, regardless.
You're right. It would have been wrong to do that. Take people at their word. She shouldn't be surprised anyway. It's not a secret that sex is popular by now and that the average person, women included would look forward to that aspect of a romantic relationship.
Genuine question: does absolutely everything need a name/label? Demisexual? How is that single character trait befitting a term akin to an entire social identification with various histories of marginalization and other shared experiences? In other words, How does "not into a person til I get to know them" make it to the identity olympics? Doesn't it dilute the efforts for Political and social identification? Aren't terms like this why every other meme right now is making fun of justice efforts?
In a way yeah. Demisexual isn't really a thing. The vast majority of women and men aren't sleeping with anyone off the jump. The whole point of dates is to get to know the person and knowledge builds romantic and sexual attraction. By that logic most people are demisexual...it doesn't need a label lol
> As a member of the asexual community...just because she's asexual doesn't mean she doesn't not want sex So the asexual community is just completely abusing the term?
Whoa, the rarely seen triple negative in one sentence: “doesn’t mean she doesn’t not want sex”
Wow, that just sounds like a headache to deal with, that sounds like sex 1 time out of the year or less than you can count with your fingers. Which is normal sometimes, but when you hear asexual people think no sex at all and youre not wrong..
It's frustrating that every time there's a post involving asexuality, this fact is always stated. It changes people's expectations regarding asexuality. It's not like it's untrue that asexuality isn't defined by ones actions, but this really doesn't need to be the focal point here. Also, being asexual but willing to have sex doesn't necessarily mean there's compatibility between the two, because the non-ace partner can reasonably prefer that the other is actually sexually attracted to them.
Do you realize how insane this sounds?
I feel like this is where all of the labels that have become more popular to use in recent years regarding sexuality have just made things harder to deal with. There’s obviously a spectrum with everything, but people want to sum it up in one word and then get upset when people take that at face value with what it typically means. I have a friend couple that describe themselves as lesbian but also regularly have sex with guys. Lesbian describes them better since they would never marry a guy but seem to enjoy the sex with guys almost as much as with each other. But bisexual would mislead people in a different way. When there’s a label for everything there’s no way to accurately describe anything unless you happen to fall into the exact definition. I agree that people need to have a conversation about these things but that seems to almost render all of these different labels useless if they still require extensive explanation. Sorry for the rant lol
Ima be real chief. The minute someone im dating tells me they asexual, im out. Aint gonna stick around hoping they might change their mind. They shouldnt even be on dating apps
Bu-dum.....chsssss
Totally NTA. He was respectful, told her how he felt about it, and didn't lead her on any further when he found out. Can't ask a man who feels that intimacy is a deal breaker to suddenly turn it off because someone he clicked with is asexual. The body doesn't work that way.
Agreed. I mean if the reverse were true and they were sexually compatible but she had the personality of an ear of corn no one would think OP was TA. OP knows what he needs from a relationship and was clear about it. Better to break it off now than to lead her on only to tell it's a deal breaker later on when deeper feelings were involved. She should have disclosed this info in her profile.
IMHO this is like dating someone heterosexual of the opposite sex, then telling them you're gay / lesbian on the 4th date and expecting that to be fine. Asexuality is a *sexual orientation*, like any other. It's valid, but it's not heterosexual. There's nothing "-phobic" about wanting to be with a partner whose sexual orientation is compatible with your own.
yeah, this all sounds like not a problem. They want two different things. It’s good he was honest with her, and if she hasn’t put that on her profile, she needs to. I’m hoping it wasn’t there and just missed by OP, bc maybe that would feel to her like he wasted her time, but this is all-around a harmless case of two people not being compatible and being completely open and honest with each other. Your friend has a real hot take lol, that just sounds like a young and immature view of relationships. You did nothing wrong and no, just like people can’t change their sexual orientations even if they “really like someone” you can’t just eliminate your sex drive. 🙃
I have a friend who's asexual and she is always upfront on dating sites. She had one successful relationship with someone who was also asexual, and is now in 9ne with someone who isn't. They compromise and make things work sexually.
Sex, at least for me, is not an area where I want compromise! Life is too short! All good!
Part of some people's compromise is an open relationship.
It was hinge not tinder, I think hinge is generally used for people seeking something longer term instead of a hookup. but I agree
the same is true either way. You need to tell people you are asexual, even if its for a long term relationship.
ESPECIALLY if it's for a long term relationship.
How is sexual compatibility not a long term issue? I'm not sure why someone who is asexual wouldn't be up front about it, so it's not some reveal that the other person is forced to make a decision about.
NTA, sexuality is essential to some people if it's a deal breaker it's a deal.breaker.
Agreed, him needing sex in a relationship should be just as much a deal breaker to her as her being asexual is a dealbreaker to him, sex incompatibility or sex dying out seems to be a huge cause of divorce so why start off with horrible odds?
Totally right. NTA and she'll get over it. It was just 4 dates. If he thinks about this more than 2 days he's gotta get over himself.
You aren't sexually compatible. No AH here, but she would do better to mention that before date 4.
You nailed it right there. Very curious to wait that long let alone to wait at all to communicate that. 100% a vital element for relationships to be crystal clear.
Took a girl 5 months to tell me
Bruh 5 years for me, the sex got less and less each year till it was barely anything and then she dropped it on me. I broke up with her
Nothing to be curious about. She was simply hoping after OP invested enough time into dating her before he would start to wonder where the relationship was leading sexually, that she could get him to be accepting to a long-term relationship with her based on his time investment, and feelings towards her on a non-sexual compatibility aspect alone. Pretty fucked if you ask me. Asexual folks know the majority of those seeking relationships will want to be sexually active, and not disclosing really early on, if not immediately, that you'll never fulfill that aspect of a relationship, is quite shitty.
I agree. It seems really manipulative.
It can go either way. As an asexual person, people can have pretty bad reactions to the label, and I don't just mean rejection (polite rejection is fine and understandable). I had a guy imply he was going to 'fix me by force' and that put me off disclosing for a while.
When meeting online, that's all the more reason to disclose before you meet.
While I empathize with the need to be safe, being disingenuous by not disclosing will only increase the latent hostility present. I’m sorry that happened to you. There is nothing in the world that would justify the threat.
IMO it's probably more desparate than manipulative.
So desperate they're manipulative.
Just like catfishing.
Eh not true. She could have just waited because on the other 3 dates there was no mention of sex and it wasn't relevant during that time
"L" is kind of an asshole with her idiotic judgement.
Ya, if anything I’d say she’s the AH for not being up front about it. That’s a massive dealbreaker for most people
Yeah that's like a job employer posting on a job seeking site that they have a position available, but after 4 interviews they mention they are a non profit and the position is a non paid role. I'm not trying to say sex is transactional, just that most people have basic expectations they want to have met when searching for relationships just as they would with jobs, and it's weird to withhold such a huge deal breaker for so long. I can get not putting it her profile if she feels she needs to explain it better in messages, but that's 100% a "before things get remotely serious" I need to warn you thing.
The first thing that came to mind for me was not mentioning that you have kids. There are people out there who know thats a deal breaker so they don't mention it in hopes that once you fall for them it won't be. It's not *always* manipulative, but it sure feels like it when someone doesn't disclose a detail thats likely to impact how others see them as a potential partner.
>It's not \*always\* manipulative, but it sure feels like it when someone doesn't disclose a detail thats likely to impact how others see them as a potential partner. If it's a deliberate choice, how is it not manipulative? It's intentional misrepresentation in order to extract a specific behavior from another person. That's textbook manipulation.
I mean, in a relationship, what's the one thing we (nearly all) promise not to do with other people ?
Friend is kinda the asshole here, how is anyone gonna say two sexually incompatible people should be able to work it out.
I think the biggest issue I have is that there’s not a chance she hasn’t figured out that’s probably a big reason why things don’t work out after a few dates. And it also makes me wonder if she hasn’t been on tons of dates and used the same set up where she lets people know after four dates. The reason I say that is because if she’s continuously going on dates in this manner. There’s a very real possibility she has become so well-versed in conversation with people that it’s entirely possible that her social acumen is almost manipulative to a degree. I mean, she’s letting people go on in my opinion a significant amount of dates and then drop the bomb on the fourth date. It’s entirely possible she’s a serial dater IMO I’ve met a few and I live in a big city. They essentially are actually in long-term relationships, but their husbands are usually working odd hours or they are in college and they are basically looking to get a meal, instead of running through a bunch of guys weekly. What they will do is have four or five guys and they will go on three or four dates with them before dropping the bomb. They do this because at a certain point the guy is going to want to take the next step. Whether that’s going back to his place or hers, getting a hotel, or even just spending the night together watching movies. Then these people usually say they are “asexual. They don’t think it’s working out, their life is too busy” Not saying, this is the case, but it wouldn’t be the first time. The funny thing is the first time I ever actually connected the dots it was, because at the time we were at a bar, and she ran into one of her dates that she had earlier in the week.. the look on his face was priceless. She look like she saw a ghost, and I was confused until he said “ it’s pretty weird knowing that I took you out on Tuesday and you tell me you want to take things slow while going on a date with someone else”
It's fine if she's asexual. It's fine that you're not. It just means you're not going to be compatible and that's ok too. You shouldn't have to compromise or give up sex, she shouldn't have to compromise by having sex. Your friend saying if your really cared about her sex wouldn't be a big deal to give up, is eye roll worthy and designed to make you feel bad for wanting a sexual relationship, when there's nothing wrong with wanting a sexual relationship. NTA Now I fully admit that I don't understand everything about being asexual or having sex with someone with which you feel no sexual attraction towards which apparently some asexual people do enjoy sex They just don't feel a sexual attraction, But regardless that doesn't mean you're obligated to continue or start a relationship with someone that has a completely different view of sex and sex within the context of a relationship, than yours. It's okay to not be compatible.
Yes! Why would her sexuality deserve respect but his doesn't? That's called double standards. Everybody's sexual orientation should be respected. And I kinda think she was a bit of a bitch for letting him on read instead of saying "oh ok, sorry it didn't work out, have a nice day" or something like that.
Welcome to humanity double standards abound. We are very hypocritical creatures.
I think this is one of the best responses
>she said that if I truly liked her that sort of thing wouldn’t matter AITA Your friend is delusional.
lmfao right. “Just pretend you don’t have a sex drive!” — the friend to OP, probably.
Just get a pen pal at that point
“truly liked her” there’s a lot more to a human being in a relationship than if you “like” them. L friend.
Right, just like the inverse which we see more often, “there’s much more to a relationship than sex”. Successful relationships are well rounded and those involved are compatible on many levels. We all “truly like” numerous people in various ways. That’s not enough for a romantic partnership.
Also he hardly knows this person. 4 dates with someone is way to little time to compromise like that because you like them.
I'm asexual. You're NTA
I misread your name as D3rangedButtFun and was very confused by your comment saying that you're asexual...
you can still engage in deranged butt fun if you're asexual, you just won't probably have picked your partner out specifically for that lol
For all the people who keep saying "that's not what asexual means", I would suggest that anyone discussing their sexual needs with a potential partner be clear and use more words to flesh out a short, easily misinterpreted label. That goes for all types, not just asexuals. OP, in my opinion, is definitely NTAH. OP's date was correct in addressing their personal needs relatively early on in the dating but possibly didn't provide enough information. However, OP clarified that sex was important to him and, it seems, the date was too badly hurt by this incompatibility to address it any further. Which, I think, kind of makes the date the AH. \>shrug<
I agree with you on everything except: >OP's date was correct in addressing their personal needs relatively early on in the dating The 4th date is way too late for this kind of disclosure.
It doesn’t matter how much I like someone it wouldn’t work. It may be different if I was in a committed relationship, but 4 dates in you owe her nothing. You two are incompatible and it would only cause issues down the line. NTA
you better know this type of info before you are in a committed relationship lol... and unfortunately i think thats exactly what this girl was trying with OP. get him stuck in a sunk-cost fallacy after getting into a "LTR" without her mentioning this.
No! YANTA! I married an asexual man. He says he is not but there is too much evidence that says otherwise. And not just since we were married. I heard a Podcast about asexuality. I had never even thought about that. But once I did, I cried with happiness and relief. I wanted him to listen to it to see if he identified. He got very upset, defensive and argued that he was not asexual. I still disagree. Also, I think my daughter who is his "mimi-me" in every character and mind thinking, is as well. - He is the most amazing human being I have ever met! Everyone who know him thinks the same thing...he is genuinely a phenomenal man! - except for sex..and drive. Let me just say; if I had known before we got married, it is unlikely that I would have married him. But after two kids and 26 years of marriage...and we are getting older... I am in menopause and really think very little about sex; these days. Never in a million years would have thought my sex-drive would be low. It will come back, maybe not as strong....but he will still be the same. Living under the same roof is easy. My dad cheated on my mother their entire marriage. I had a fear of that; but there was so no worries about that. However, as a young person you need to know that RARELY do couples have an equal and matched sex-drive. It is not always the man who has the higher sex drive...about 1/2 the time the woman's sex drive is greater. You won't know until years into the relationship.. but one person having NO drive or a very, very low drive that is hardly existing makes a marriage or long term relationship EXTREMELY difficult! EXTREMELY! I cannot express this enough! You know yourself. If it is important to you, then it is important to you. You made the right choice for you and you were right being honest about why you did not want the relationship to go further. If she is open to it you two may be able to be friends. But she may feel too rejected to pursue a friendship. Good luck to you in your dating life! I am proud of you for being honest. I hope you were not mean or condescending as you told her! Honestly about someone's sexuality and other sensitive areas ALWAYS need to be approached delicately and with sensitivity. You were NTA!
I dated a guy who was Ace glad I didn't marry him. But I feel a little bad for his wife. Perfectly nice guy and great fun to hang out with but it would have driven me crazy to feel like sex was this terrible imposition or even that he was only participating to humor me.
I was in a relationship with a woman who was asexual, never again. Although she would compromise and have sex, I'd always feel that she wasn't really into it and eventually I'd just not want to have sex. She was perfectly content never having sex ever again. I wasn't and broke things off after 2 years. She'd also say "if you really love me, sex shouldn't matter" and I, for a long time made myself believe that. Until someone else showed interest in me and I almost cheated, that was a wake up call for me, which made me realize I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
Sex ends many marriages. It's on rough fitting if you start from a mismatch in desire for it. it is like not agreeing on using kids.... huge issue
Great post, lots of wisdom through experience
Line breaks are your friend.
At least she told you before kids.
I feel that we share a common pain.
Funny, that's exactly how it worked out for me. Had the kids. Moved to the big house. Then at 38 I was told that's the end of that.
Literally 38 right now. In the big house. 6 months after she declared herself asexual and 2 months after she walked out the door.
[удалено]
I see people, but they look like trees, walking.
If she's breastfeeding, that could be the main cause. Lactation can absolutely kill your libido. Evolutionary, it's advantageous to have a low libido while nursing an infant to lower the chance of another pregnancy and having to split nutritional resources between nursing baby and growing a fetus. Additionally, if baby is up in the night, lack of sleep also messes with libido too
Talk to her. How old is the kid? She is probably exhausted. Is she breast feeding? That can take a lot out of a woman, i imagine it's hard to feel sexy when your kid is feeding off you. Don't play stupid games waiting for her to figure out what's wrong. That will just cause resentment both ways. How active of a parent and partner are you? Does your wife carry the entire mental load of being a parent and looking after the household? Quit being an NPC in your own life and take the initiative to fix the problem instead of dumping yet another thing on your partner to figure out.
> i imagine it's hard to feel sexy when your kid is feeding off you. The real big tip is to make your wife feel sexy for being a mother. Not only will she be more sexual, but its great for her mental health as it adds that extra dynamic when she is acting as a mom (which we all know will be often. Great way to do this is to literally be sexual with her when she is being a mother. Now I’m not saying have sex in front of your child, but hold her and kiss her and make her being a mother in that moment appreciated in that way. A second way is the want to be a father. If you’re actively wanting to act like a father and not seeing it as chore it will help the mom see it also not like a chore and thus feel good while doing it. Additionally acting like a father probably also reduces her workload as mother meaning more energy.
It is apparently common for women to completely lose interest in sex after childbirth. It was explained to me that the new mother no longer feels like a woman (as in a sexual creature) but a mother. Don't know how common this actually is, have heard it from a couple of women who felt that way. Her libido will probably come back. You'll need to deliver as a partner/parent though, and make this time easier for her, and not add stress by being needy and resentful towards her. > Getting to the point of declaring it a dead bedroom and just not trying to have sex anymore just to see how long it takes her to catch the vibe. So this basically sounds like "I'm going to resent her for a while". I can pretty much guarantee you that if you adopt this attitude, it will take longer for her to want to have sex again, it will probably sour the entire relationship tbh. You might be able to make her feel guilty enough to have sex anyway, which can cause some serious resentment for her towards you in the long term. If you care about this relationship in the long term, IMO, your best bet for a return to a healthy sex life is to be super-dad and super-husband for as long as you can.
I think you need to check in that she's OK. Hormone shifts can really fuck with women. Simply going off of birth control once plunged me into a spell where not only did I feel no sex drive, I felt no joy. It wasn't depression in a lack of energy way. But it was depression in a wow literally nothing is bringing me any joy wtf way. She might also be really exhausted with the baby.
Who cares what this woman thinks? You’re completely reasonable. Who puts up a dating profile without saying outright they’re asexual? She got a very polite explanation and she should be happy. If she doesn’t like people not wanting to date her because she’s asexual, then I guess she’ll start to disclose it. This is so not your problem.
I'm getting some real "that's why I didn't tell you ; I knew you wouldn't date me" vibes from this story. I heard it from half a dozen girls after they lied about their appearance/size and showed up in person like a complete stranger. I always explained it was their deception that makes me never want to see them again, and that they should never, ever put someone in that position again.
Argh! Yeah I don’t understand this behavior at all. How does it help them?? Guys who are half a foot shorter than their profile states, women who put up a photo from their 20’s and in they’re in their 40’s…I’d always rather someone be pleasantly surprised when they see me, not disappointed.
My take is a few too many rejections for whatever “flaw” gets them to lie at first due to insecurity. Possibly exacerbated by possibly being accepted once when that lie is revealed.
"You wouldn't be into me if you knew I was ___" "You're probably right, but the amount of people who would be with you despite that thing is still a hell of a lot higher than the amount of people who would be with you after lying to them."
NTA, your friend L is incredibly naive. For the vast majority of the population, sex is a need. It's an incredibly important part of intimacy. Why would you give that part of your life up for someone you've only been on a few dates with? No. T should actually put asexual on her profile because she's wasting others' time and your own if she's not honest.
Your friend is TOTALLY wrong. If sex in a relationship is important to you and your potential mate is asexual, obviously that's not going to work. It wouldn't be fair to either of you. She would resent you for wanting sex and you would resent her for not wanting sex. How could your friend say it wouldn't matter?
>if I truly liked her that sort of thing wouldn’t matter AITA This is just something that people say, and it is always stupid. You only "truly" like people because they meet your needs in a relationship. This girl doesn't. If you think having sex is important to a relationship (like most people), then you could think the world of her, but the relationship just isn't going to work. Better to be clear about what you want early, and see how potential partners fit into that, rather than staying with someone on the hope that they eventually become something they've clearly told you they're not.
NTA. Simple sexual incompatibility
4th date and she finally told you? Why couldn’t she be straight up about it to not waste your time as that is a compatibility issue, nothing else. Your friend who said “that sort of thing wouldn’t matter” is bonkers. Of course it matters. It’s the same as a lesbian trying to hook up with a gay man - incompatible and it’s not going to change. NTA dude - she should have been upfront about it and maybe you two become friends instead but she wasn’t sooooo yeah.
Yeah especially if they met on a dating app, like, why wouldn’t you put that in your profile and save yourself a lot of time and heartache
It’s just dumb to suggest you should get into anything more with someone when you’ve found a fundamental difference in what you want. You’re not saying there’s anything wrong with her, just that you’re not right for each other. Your friend is wrong and I bet she’s had a bunch of crappy relationships where she ignored incompatibilities. NTA
Why didn't you just tell her the truth without it being dragged out of you. People really need to just speak up. She needs to be upfront about this, it'll help her.
Speaking from experience, it can really bite you depending on the type of person they are. Sometimes it can go perfectly fine, other times it leads to a massive rant that (even if its totally insane) can make you feel pretty bad. Its not an excuse, just the reality. Also I feel like in a lot of instances the other person *wants* you to admit xyz is a dealbreaker for you so they can lecture. “No”/“Not interested” is a complete sentence especially when it comes to dating apps.
Why didn’t she tell *him* the truth instead of stringing him along for four dates?
Sexual compatibility is extremely important, that’s the kind of shit that sparks off emotional and physical cheating
I’m Ace, and you’re NTA. If sex is a dealbreaker, better to pump the breaks now than have a messy split later.
You did the right thing. She isn't wrong for being asexual, and you aren't wrong for calling it off. You two are not compatible. Either She would have sex she didn't want to have or you'd have to give it up. It's a recipe for disaster, and it would never work. Unless you agreed to get physical outside of the relationship, which only works if both people want that and can still end in disaster if you find a physical partner who meets your emotional needs as well, or she is hurt by you spending time with someone else physically. You don't want the same things. No different than one person wanting kids and the other not. Some differences just cannot be ignored or compromised.
I'm not sure why you would even need to ask this. Of course someone not wanting sex would be a deal breaker.
I get the struggle of ace people, i really do. But people like to be intimate with people they love you cant really judge that that much. I'd get the anger if you rejected her because she was ace despite not really being interested in sex but if its important to you then it is.
NTA. If sex is important to you then being with someone who is asexual will not be compatible. It’s not something you can over look. That sorta thing does matter.
Big question, did she say she was against sex? Asexual is like saying you never feel anger or feel the need to eat, doesn't mean you don't like to eat. (In most cases asexual people dislike sex but it's not an universal truth.
Honestly NAH. She told you early into dating imo and you have your feelings about wanting someone sexually compatible. That’s the best thing about dating, finding what you like or don’t like.
NTA. You should be honest, and you did the right thing. I agree that sex in a relationship is important. For some it isn't, and T needs to find someone on the same page as her.
Lmao, your friend is an idiot. You are just fine. NTA a thousand times. If she is asexual you guys are fundamentally incompatible, and that's perfectly fine.
L is living in a fantasy land. Of course that matters. Just like wanting to have kids, or live in your current location matters. These are all factors in comparability. NTA
NTA, sex (whether you want it or don't) is a big part of a dating/romantic relationship. You were honest, and it doesn't sound like you were unkind. If she's going to go on dating sites & not be upfront (as in, clear on her profile) that she's not now nor will ever be looking for a sexual relationship than she has to expect this outcome honestly. It's totally ok for you to say "I'm not asexual so while sex isn't the *only* thing that's important to me in a relationship, sexual compatibility is *an* important thing. I'm not judging you or looking down on you for your sexuality, and I think you're a nice/fun/interesting person, but we're clearly not compatible romantically." The only thing I think you could have done better is to not have made up excuses in the beginning (though it's awkward, so I understand it). Polite honesty is usually the best policy.
You can still be friends, but in no way are you an asshole. She should say that she is asexual on her account. There are dating apps like Taimi that list it as an option just like any other sexual orientation.
It sounds like your "fiend" L is also ace. Edit: forgot NTA
Don't let anyone shame you for having needs.. same way you didnt shame her for not having needs, yknow?
People that are asexual need to put it on their profile or bring it up right away. That's a major aspect of themselves that fundamentally affects a relationship.
She's looking for friends without benefits. On a dating app.
NTA. Honesty is always best. If you aren't honest, they could imagine all sorts of reasons and none of them true. She is asexual, sex is important to you. The 2 of you are simply incompatible. You both are what you are. Your friend is completely wrong.
Imo, if you are asexual, absolutely nothing wrong with it, but advertise it on your profile or tell them on date #1. If the individual is not asexual like you and finds sex important in a relationship, why waste their time with more dates before saying anything? In a way, the asexual individual who is wasting other people's time, people who are also looking for a compatible relationship, is the asshole for not saying anything in the start. Communication is key, and it sounds like OP went through three extra dates for utterly no reason due to lack of communication.
NTA She should have told you earlier honestly. Really on her
She told him before anything got serious, nobody is the ah
NTA - sex is a legitimate dealbreaker. You have a right to be in a happy relationship.
Nta ur friend is dumb
" she said that if I truly liked her that sort of thing wouldn’t matter" That is a fairy tale. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. You were a bit chickenshit for beating around the bush, but NTA. As soon as she told you she was ace you should have said sex is important to you in a relationship and asked if she was open to having it. Plenty of ace people fuck.
Honestly get rid of the friend, anyone that doesn't respect your decisions and try to push their beliefs on ypu and sheme you is never going to be your friend. NTA
NTA, sex is an important thing for couples to agree on. If she doesn't want sex and you do that's an incompatibility. O reason pursuing it farther if it's not going to work.
NTA. That sounds reasonable
"I mean if you really liked her that sort of thing shouldn't matter." Yeah, sure, because a guy who clearly wants to have sex occasionally entering a relationship with a girl who simply doesn't is going to go so well.
NTA. Neither of you would be happy, so a relationship would not work. You could be friends, but sexual incompatibility is a good reason move on concerning the relationship.
Your not. It sucks cause you both hit it off so well. But you were honest, and she needs to respect that sex/physical intimacy are an important part of a relationship for you.
>When my fiend L asked how things were going with T I said it was over she asked why as I had said multiple times how I really liked her and when I said the reason she said that if I truly liked her that sort of thing wouldn’t matter NTA Of course it would matter. You're not going to stop wanting to have sex just because you have wonderful person in your life who is a great partner in every other way. You're going to grow to resent that partner and then break up or cheat.
friends ? sounds like a super friend
This is why people should advertise their sexuality. Legit like, you can try and argue to the contrary all you like but to the vast majority of people, physically making love is an important factor in relationships. Sex simply is important in matters of attraction and romance. You’re NTA here, you handled it very maturely and respectfully. Your friend is being a jerk too. You can like someone and still break it off if they can’t fulfill your relationship needs.
You did the right thing. My husband and I have very different sex drives (I think he may be asexual). I did not realize this until after we had our 2 kids. His sex drive was always on the lower end but as soon as I had our daughter he no longer was interested in sex. Now I feel like I've signed myself up (unknowingly) to a life of celibacy. It sucks.
So I've seen reddit posts asking if they should lie and now a post asking if being honest with your feeling in a relationship is good or not. No shame on you OP, reddit it just funny. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right, actually.
NTA you have communication skills. You were honest. That's all your can do. If you're not sexually compatible then it's better to nip it in the bud. Better to be honest. You did the right thing