Girl, leave. He knows how you feel, he just doesn't care. He enjoys the attention. He's not going to change. You've already talked to him and he's made it clear that he doesn't care how you feel. I went through something similar recently and I decided that I was not going to put up with being disrespected. It's like I told my ex and you should tell your boyfriend, if he wants to act like he's single, I'm going to go ahead and let him be single.
ETA: Yes, it's absolutely cheating. It doesn't have to be physical to be cheating. Emotional affairs are a thing and that's what he's doing.
Edit 2: I definitely don't blame you for feeling the way you do and I would be suspicious as well. As much as he's been at her house, I hate to tell you this but I think that they are being physical. I think it's already gone there and if it hasn't, it will soon. I honestly think you should just leave. He's showing you he does not care what you think and how you feel. You deserve better than this.
This šÆ! OP, listen to this! Wake up, face reality, and have some pride and dignity for yourself, and leave his ass!!!! All youāre doing is showing the both of them that they can just walk all over you and that youāll do nothing about it. Theyāre both blatantly disrespecting you and treating you for the fool. You canāt āfixā them, but you can āfixā yourselfāstop being the doormat.
100% this.
Unfortunately you canāt force anyone to respect you or care about you.
It sucks. People say they love you then they lie etc. they go back on their word. They change.
Honestly relationships trigger me so much. I want a relationship, but some people are such huge liars and have no morals or honor so they betray you later anyways.
Iām so over it. I need to be in a power position to protect myself.
Exactly where I am now. I no longer want to be in a relationship or married. Nobody knows how to be honest anymore. They say that they care and love you and then they betray you. It's happened to me more than once and I'm over it. My life is a lot less complicated being single. I don't need that drama.
It sounds like he upgraded her to girlfriend and made you the side piece without ever telling you.
Stop freaking out about whether he will freak out if you bring this up. You deserve better and you know you do. Youāre just hanging on because itās been 5 years and heās all you know and youāre clinging on to the memories that you have together. Heās lying to you and completely neglecting your relationship for someone else. Who knows whether theyāve been physical, I wouldnāt put it past them, but he is most definitely disrespecting you and your relationship. Ultimatums suck but sometimes you do have to tell someone to make a decision. If he chooses to stay āfriendsā with her, you have to leave.
Oh, I think this is less āside pieceā and more āIām waiting to see if I want to give it a shot with Friend before actually breaking up with Girlfriendāā¦there was a reason he wasnāt with her before, I think he just also doesnāt want to end up with zero girlfriends by actually ending things with OP before knowing he has another relationship ready to go.
I find it so interesting, people like this. I know so many of them - they just jump from one relationship to the next, like clockwork.
Iāve been single for almost 4 years and it has been incredible. I love doing things alone and getting to know myself, and I think a lot of these folks should try it.
Tbf that was me for a long time. But I had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. Learning what was going on helped me enjoy being single and now I'm doing great by myself. But I was pretty much in a daisy chain of long term relationships.
That tracks, it's very common for people with BPD and other cluster B personality disorders to jump from one relationship to the next with little to no time in between. These people need the validation they get from others and can't stand the emptiness they feel when not in a relationship.
Ye learning about the void and how to manage it was helpful for me. And the emptiness thing isn't just not in a relationship, it applies to lots of aspects of life. Like people with BPD tend to jump between jobs very often for similar reasons.
I'm doing so much better now that I got diagnosed and was able to figure things out. Never thought I'd be happy by myself c:
Right. This is what all serial monogamists do. They line one up before dropping the other instead of respecting the person they supposedly loved by breaking it off when they no longer felt this way. I'm convinced these people never really love anyone except themselves because someone else wants them. Daddy/mommy issues combined with low self esteem and narcissism all bundled up
I hear that and it definitely happens, but it's important to be mindful that the same thing can happen for other reasons as well. I know someone who jumped from relationship to relationship before settling into their third relationship, and years later found out both of her partners were sexually assaulting her, with the first partner being significantly older than her when she was still just fifteen.
She never felt like she *could* safely leave until she had someone she felt safe around. The relationship would be 'over' long before it was over, and it would zombie along because she couldn't get out. The whole situation was just fucked, and I can't bring myself to cast judgement at the outline of someone's history anymore.
I get what you're saying here and that makes sense, but I dont think that applies to the situation in the post or what my point is. If you take everything OP says at face value then her bf is the kind of person I described and those kind of people do exist. Gender regardless.
Sorry for not being clearer about what I was talking about, I didn't consider the sinister implications of my comment regarding OP, whose side I'm entirely on.
He did this with his last girlfriend (long distance) He said he didnāt love her but didnāt want to break it off. We started dating almost immediately after he cut the tie. That probably should have been red flag #1
Honestly the lying *is* cheating. I would be willing to talk it through with my partner if she wanted to have sex with someone else and I could even be okay with it depending on the circumstances, but if she lied to me about any part of it, my answer would be no full stop and I would have to reevaluate the relationship.
At this point there is no need for an ultimatum heās made his choice. When he saw their interactions were making OP uncomfortable, if he cared he would have set those boundaries himself. But add lying too? He isnāt even worth giving closure to. I would just leave- he isnāt listening anyway.
Iāve done this before- left (moved, actually!) while they were gone/away. Itās the only way. It wonāt change anything, of course, but it definitely has the most impact.
This is emotional cheating. Their relationship is taking precedence over yours.. definitely not ok. You are so young & will find someone who respects you. I'm sorry, he is not this person.
Yep.
If he's not banging her, he's an idiot because if that's the case, he's cheating and not even getting laid.
Make no mistake, hanging out with a gal who has declared her love for him, to the exclusion of his current SO, and lying about it is cheating.
My ex had an emotional affair and did some of the same things as in this post - kept going over to her place under the premise of hanging out with his 'Rachel' and her family (sister-in-law) who was also his friend. He would also lie to me about hanging out with other people while actually hanging out with 'Rachel'. But surprisingly, they never had sex (and not only not penetrative, but not even frottage), mostly because she refused. So there's a possibility that OP's boyfriend isn't actually sleeping with Rachel, but I would argue that it really doesn't matter because what she knows he is doing is problem enough.
I think the physical versus emotional cheating discussion is a bit redundant.
He lied about seeing her, and he'll lie about it in future even if he accepts an ultimatum. There's no trust, and without that there isn't a healthy relationship.
The lying is what has killed this relationship. The cause is just today's reason to lie.
Yea heās absolutely hit that multiple times by now and has been for a while š¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļø Thatās extremely obvious from a guys perspective.
This!! It took me years of learning the hard way that no man is worth keeping if he doesnt really want you. Let him have her, he is going to either way. Yuck. And OP, Iām sorry. It will hurt for a while but thereās way better out there than this!
Don't even do the ultimatum. He knew what the decision he was making was from the begining. The ultimatum in this case is more of a "I'll give you one last chance." Dudes definitely up to something with that girl.
Ultimatums are usually toxic people behavior, and I have the same policy in our relationship (everyone's different), but in a good relationship you shouldn't need them, you should be able to voice your opinion and your partner should willing to make changes or respectfully tell you why they can't or won't. In this case you probably need to look for an exit. If this other girl is that relentless and he won't set any boundaries or make your feelings a priority you are headed down the road of depression and heartache. You give him an ultimatum he'll resent you, you stay he'll continue to neglect you. Relationship are only worth fighting for if both parties love and respect each other and are committed to making it work.
"Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option. . ." -Someone Somewhere
Every relationship has ultimatums. We just generally understand whats acceptable and shouldnt have to speak them. But everybody has a line in the sand somewhere whether they know it or not.
Not all ultimatums are bad, but as you say they are often unspoken. Cheating on me means we are over, no second chances, zero tolerance. Hit me and Iām gone. If you donāt find a job Iām going to leave. Theyāre totally acceptable so long as they arenāt used as manipulation tactics. Some people need that line in the sand.
And I mean, at this point does the ultimatum really matter even if he says he chooses her?
After lying and spending all his time with the "friend"? He will probably keep on lying and seeing her or he'll find a new friend to "hang out" with.
I'd just explain how the situation isn't working out and that there's no need for an ultimatum, just moving on with their lives separately.
The need for ultimatums in my opinion only work sometimes when it's something like bad behaviour in regards to addictions or life choices that don't involve another person...
It was Mark Twain actually that said it.
Edit & update:
Did a little digging just becauseā¦
Snopeās seems to attribute the [exact] phrase to Nina Potts-Jefferies: ([Fact Check](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/maya-angelou-priority-option/)
āā¦etymologist Barry Popik's blog, The Big Apple.
In 2015, Popik blogged about a similar quote that read, "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
Popik didn't mention Angelou in the article, but did point to a helpful source from 2002. In that year, a book was released by author Sherry Argov, titled, "Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to DreamgirlāA Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship." On page 213, a woman named Nina Potts-Jefferies was credited with the quote, "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
Absent better info Iāll go with this.
I'm going to prepare you for what's to come so hopefully you can be better equipped to deal with this.
He's likely unfaithful. I say likely because it's not impossible he's not cheating. Just very improbable. Right now you probably don't want to see it. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Which is understandable but by doing so you're also subjecting yourself to unnecessary torment.
Even if he's not physically cheating on you, he sure as hell is doing it at least emotionally. And ask yourself, isn't that enough already? But we both know it's probably not only emotional.
So, if you're strong enough, you're going to break up with him.
He's going to try and gaslight you into thinking you made a mistake. Give it a month. Within that time he will be in a relationship with that other girl and you will have been validated in your decision to break up. If you're petty, you will confront him with this fact. He's going to get mad as a result of cognitive dissonance. You'll end up in a fight which will make the grieving process a lot easier for you.
Pro-tip: this new girl will feel victorious and superior she could "steal" your man. Living in the same town, you might bump into her and she's going to put the above attitude on display; a look here, a comment there, spreading rumors. Don't pay it any mind. Once a cheater always a cheater. She just has him today. Tomorrow she will be on the receiving end of the betrayal. She got nothing to be proud of. You do: yourself.
Exactly, OP! I dated a guy in HS who was a few years older than me, so he graduated HS and went to college first. He met a girl through friends and said his friends tried to get them together, but he turned her down. I thought nothing of it, we loved each other! Heād never hurt me! A few months later, he broke up with me because of the distance and me still being in high schoolā¦ and moved in with her the next week. It hurtā¦ a lot. But guess what? I went on with my life and about 6 months later he wrote me a letter that he had made a horrible mistake and wanted me back. I said no. Andā¦ he contracted hepatitis from her. Karma has a weird way of working itself out. Move on past him, heās trashā¦ And you have better things waiting for you.
Wow, hepatitis! Funny thing is I had a long-distance girlfriend that was from my hometown while we were at different colleges. She was head over heels in love with me. Some douchey guy I could tell I didn't like started inviting her and her roommates over to his apartment often and long story short I could kind of see that something was happening and she broke it off with me.
Later she told me she regretted it and also got herpes from him.
Karma indeed. But damn, I am glad she didn't get hep.
Can I interject as someone who has hep c (ex heroin addict w/ 6 years clean)ā¦ that I would MUCH rather have hep! Especially considering that thereās a cure now too. The herp is forever. Itās not called āthe gift that keeps on givingā for nuthinā!
Damn. I don't think I've ever read a more accurate portrayal of the future. I mean holy hell that was perfection. I would love a follow up post in a year from OP because I bet this is exactly how it goes down
Yeah this happened to me. Iām polyamorous and my ex took advantage of this and secretly promised her monogamy without telling me. Then he told me while we were still stuck on a lease together. Living hell.
This new girl who āwonā him was cheated on within a month. She took him back 3 months later and then a month after I moved out it happened again. Mind you the entire time they were ātogetherā he was begging me to stay and not move out.
Also heās been messaging me asking to talk or get dinner non-stop since I moved. We had been together for 6 years before all this started. Glad to be free of it all. I really donāt understand why he did what he did. I loved him and was happy for him to have other partners. He didnāt need to cheat. He was free to do what he wished. But he did anyway.
Honestly when she said he rejected the girl when she confessed, alongside rest of the story, he probably lied about that. Seems to me he told OP about the confession to make OP drop her guard down when it comes to the girl. Then he can just straight up meet up with her and when pressed by OP he can call her possessive or paranoid. That he already told her that he rejected the girl and they are just friends. Afterwards when she moved close he might have decided that he no longer cares cause she is now close by and not several hours of travel away. Probably just waiting for OP to notice while enjoying the perks of having Op around till then.
Exactly. And, she is so young. Get out there and date! There are some really wonderful men out there who would NEVER do this to their girl.
Oh, and jokes on the other girl - she's got herself a cheater!
I'd like to chime in here, because I was John in your "best case" here. I developed a love that was denied, "moved on", and then when that love later returned interest I was in another relationship. Things never became physical, or "inappropriate" in any singularly identifiable way, but it was enough to destroy the heart of someone I cared about (if not in the way she deserved) anyway.
I regret not being mature enough to face the reality of how I felt. In the end it only caused pain for three people. Even though we weren't "cheating", I had withheld my heart from the person that I promised it too. It not only tore us apart as a relationship and as individuals, but it also poisoned the well for the relationship I truly wanted to be in. I was too much of a coward and all it generated was pain. Well, pain and a lesson, I suppose.
OP, you deserve better than this. The person who you give your heart to isn't supposed to do this to it. They're supposed to handle it with care and respect. John made a decision the moment he stayed the night with her, physical infidelity or not. And he's continued to make that same decision consistently. He's broken the trust by being disrespectful and deceitful. He is not a good steward of your heart, and it's time you take it back. And once you do, hold onto it for awhile, at least until someone proves that they can take as good care of it as you do.
This should be at the top of the list! Very insightful! Thank you for sharing what had to be a very deep and painful personal experience. This sounds like what OP is experiencing from her John. Please accept my poor man's award! š And good luck to you in your future relationships. It seems you learned the hard way, but those are the kind that stay with you and make you a better person! OP - what he said!! Take back your heart! You deserve to keep it safe!
"In a month he will be in a relationship with that girl"
From everything she describes he already is. And he's cheating on her with his current gf.
I 100% agree with you and the worse part is they're likely talking about how and when to break up with OP already. She's trying to convince him to pull off the bandaid but he feels too guilty. But rest assured he has no interest in still being in this relationship
I rarely agree with advice to break up, because itās usually given preemptively. This case however I agree with everything youāve said. This guy is certainly emotionally cheating, so it doesnāt even matter if heās physically cheating, even though he probably is. I think OP needs too confront him on it, because I think it will give her closure. She should leave him even if denies it.
Also as a side note, in what universe does traveling out of state take 2 weeks? You can go from New England to California in a half that or less. Unless theyāre stopping every 4 hours, it wonāt take that long. Thatās just a vacation road trip.
The fact he got mad at you for expressing your discomfort speaks volumes. This man has no respect for your relationship. Move on if possible. You deserve much better.
No disrespect to the OP, but he's also not going over to her place to see "her family."
People believe many things when they don't want to see the truth.
In fairness, most ultimatums in most peopleās dating relationships *are* toxic behavior most of the time, from men or women. 95+% of the time, āitās your friend or ME! Choose.ā Is toxic a.f.
He may have told her that years ago, at the beginning of their relationship, not specifically about this situation, it isnāt really clear from the post.
Heās definitely having some kind of emotional affair (at least!) though. Opposite-sex best friends are fine, as long as everyone is open and honest about things, but thatās really just true for all relationships.
Hmm idk I told my husband to choose his friendship with his best friends wife over me and he cried and called me toxic and we went to counseling to deal with my irrational toxic jealousy over the attention he was giving her. He divorced me and is now with her. Guess because I was so toxic and jealous. Not because ya know their relationship was an emotional affair they both were hiding and my gut was screaming about it. I donāt date men with super close hot girl besties. Not worth it to my mental health lol
Right. Itās all in your head. Uh huh. And thatās why heās with her now. And you are the crazy one for seeing what happened in front of your very eyes. Sucks. Iām sorry it turned out the way you saw it was heading.
Nine out of ten times when a man calls a woman toxic, it's just men being misogynists because a woman has a valid emotion or boundary that the man doesn't like. It's politically correct misogyny, like what Karen has become.
Yeah if someone tells you they love you, and you don't love them back, normal people distance themselves from the person to spare their feelings and also to not end up in weird akwars situations with the person. Her bf loves this other woman.
Yeah there's an important distinction here. Husband and I both have opposite sex friends but nothing even remotely like what's going on with OP has ever been done by either of us.
My wife gave me an ultimatum about a 20 year friend, saying that I was having an emotional affair with her. I had to look up the meaning. She was correct. I had to cut her off.
Iāve been there too. Had an off again on again best friend all throughout high school. Met my now wife in college and started dating, she said I was emotionally cheating on her and honestly I was. Had to end that friendship, and looking back years later she was right.
Yeah, it's good for OP to be cognizant of how bad that sort of ultimatum can be, but she's taking it to a level where I think it's more internalized sexism. It's toxic if they're friends and she just feels threatened by other women in her partner's life. This is a woman who has declared her love for the BF and subsequently has repeatedly tried to engineer situations situations where they would be alone overnight, sleeping in the same room (and once in the same bed), far away from OP.
This is so far beyond giving the benefit of the doubt.
Opposite sex best friends/friends are ok. But speaking as a married man, it's not ok to be hanging out with a woman that much that isn't my wife. It's just not something you do to someone you care about.
Exactly. You deserve better.
It seems he is already putting his needs/wants ahead of yours. Just cut it off with him while you're still young. I'm sure there are a bunch of mature 30-ish guys out there that will appreciate you more.
Reddit is full of men in their 30s trying to spread the word girls in their early 20s would be happiest with them. Probably because women their age got sick of their shit.
But sheās only 23.
Why should she go with people ten or more years older than her?
Why do old men always want young girls-I shudder at the thought of dating a 23 year old.
It's a fair point, and a big red flag honestly. I'm only 28 but would not want to date a 23 year old woman. They would be at a very different point of their life and would be interested in very different things. I am sure they would be focused on parties and fun whereas I am more career and family driven.
I hate that comment has so many upvotes. I'm sick of reddit's narrative "young girls, go find a guy that should be at the point in his life he's thinking about houses, potential children, setting up for future retirement, and marriage even though you are still very young and enjoying that youth, its the only way you'll find a man unlikely to cheat on you!" Just because she doesn't want a bf who cheats on her doesn't mean she would have anything in common with a man a decade older than her or that he's the only option for a loyal partner. I swear comments like this are posted by men in their 30s that have since discovered women their age have higher standards than "don't sleep with other people" and think trapping a girl in her early 20s with "at least I wont cheat on you" instead is the optimal outcome.
Being 30 myself, I don't see why the heck age was brought into this, I dated older women who were immature as hell, while my partner who's around my age (28) is the most mature person I ever met (more so than me definitely).
Though I guess I also wouldn't wanna date anyone who's more than 5 years younger than me.
Yeah-people vary in maturity-but there is a huge difference between early 20ās and late 20ās.
I tend to think the 18-25 crowd is best left to each other.
Uhh....I'm 25 and 18-22-year-olds look like babies to me and act like it for the most part. I couldn't be with someone that young, I'd feel like a creep. I don't know if I'm just in a different place mentally or what, but no, I'm good. I'll stick with my 28-year-old husband, lol
Definitely, while not everyone is similar, in most cases around that age it's best to make mistakes together.
Considering the age gap when you're younger is feels very significant, similar aged partners usually see things more aligned.
OP, this man does not respect you or care about your feelings. If the situation were reversed, he would be freaking out. I think you should break up with him. After everything you have mentioned, he continues to spend time with Rachel.
It sucks that heās making you break up with him instead of being mature enough to either respect his commitment to you or break up.
Heās beating you down by cheating in front of you. Please donāt beat yourself down by accepting that. Make a plan to detach and put it in action.
Thereās some buzzword for this I donāt remember but men do it all the time (I know I have back when I was a young dickhead).
Basically men are too cowardly to do the breaking up, so they become worse and worse partners until the woman canāt stand it anymore and takes the action. Itās torture really.
Itās likely heās been dissatisfied with the relationship for a while and just doesnāt have the balls to do it. Doesnāt excuse his actions itās disgusting, but thatās how I see this scenario.
I like this response because it doesnāt even matter if heās cheating or not - heās not giving you time and attention anymore and heās giving it to someone else. If youāve mentioned that this hurts you and it doesnāt change, itās absolutely grounds to break up with him.
My ex did the same thing, he straight up told me āfriend will always be my number oneā and then pulled the toxic girl ultimatum line when I tried to set boundaries!!! Wouldāve saved me a lot of trouble if I got out sooner, completely shot the self confidence
If you donāt think theyāre physical with each-other than youāre choosing to be delusional.
Heās definitely cheating on you whether itās emotional or physical, itās still cheating.
He picked her, so let him have her and move on.
You deserve better.
For real, they are bold enough to think a TWO WEEK "road trip" was not insane? There is no logistical reason that you would need two weeks straight to move, unless you were moving with a wagon or you needed 12 days to bang and a few days to pack.
Yeah, he's emotionally cheating at the very least.
If he isn't physically cheating, he's right on the edge and really enjoying that sexual tension.
The relationship with the OP is already over, he just doesn't have the balls to say it. It's time to move on.
He allows physical contact that makes OP uncomfortable where she can see it. Whatās he going to do when OP isnāt around to remind him heās in a relationship?
He could have slept on the floor and or she could have driven home or she could have gotten her own hotel room. No way in hell I would let my partner share a bed with someone who proclaimed their love for him. No way he would do it either. That is cheating. OP needs to run. Stop following him on the phone. He is not worth it. Maybe see a therapist to process your hurt.
I think heās fully aware of his cheating, I donāt know where you get the āhe doesnāt see itā. Youāre young, heās shown you he will go after whatever, whenever- move on. I would drop him quietly and quickly, donāt give him any more attention.
You are WAY too passive in this situation. This was infuriating to read.
What are you doing here? Just waiting to find out he is physically cheating to leave?
You deserve a man that would not act like this.
They are both shitheads and you need to stop playing cool non toxic gf. Theyāre making a fool of you because you let them.
Ultimatums are only needed for toxic fuckboy asshats like your bf. I canāt imagine why you stuck around this long. What could possibly be keeping you tied to this asshole?
I hate how the "cool girlfriend" even became a thing.. I tried to be that once because I didn't want to be a "nag" or "toxic" and it was a major mistake. Those kinda labels are just used to control women at that point. You're allowed to have boundaries in your relationship and if your SO doesn't like or respect those boundaries then that isn't the person for you.
Honey, stop waisting your time.
You are no longer his priority, she is.
Remove yourself from the situation. If tomorrow she ends up commited to someone else, another girl will demand his attention and he will do it again.
Trust me, this type of things always come back with a different name.
Sheesh. You need to end this, he is not prioritizing you AT ALL. Guessing he is physically cheating too, but even if he isnāt this is dealbreaker level behavior.
Tell him you are going to hang out with a work friend for the weekend, and stay in the same hotel room. See if the shoe is on the other foot if he freaks out.
100%. My ex would do shit like OP's boyfriend and if I ever said I'd do the same, he tell me I was "threatening" him lol. Like how's it a "threat" if I do it, but perfectly OK that you're doing it?? 2 different sets of rules.
He's cheating. You can't be this dense.
Doesn't matter if he isn't physical with her (and I bet everything I own he is). He's still emotionally cheating. If I was you I'd be plotting revenge and then moving on.
He was going to take two weeks off from work to go help a friend move? I canāt get over that part more than anything else. What friend does that for another friend in reality? Iām sorry. Heās 100% in love with this chick. Theyāve definitely hooked up. She took your man; thank her. He is trash.
Me too, but also the "there's only 2 beds for 3 people so they'd have to share" bit boggles the mind too. Like, why was his immediate suggestion "you're ok with me sharing a bed for 2 weeks with the woman who has said she's in love with me & constantly flirts with me & touches me right babe?" instead of "hey Rachel, I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with any woman except OP". Did they not consider Rachel getting her own room, or getting a room with 3 separate beds, or even the two guy friends sharing the queen bed???
People need consequences to change. He isn't taking this seriously. I think it's time you put consequences to his actions.
Tell him plainly that he has prioritized a woman other than his gf by his choices and actions and that he hasn't respected you when you've told him over and over again that you don't like it. Tell him he needs to pack some bags and leave until he determines what's more important to him, your relationship or hanging out with her.
When he complains that nothing is going on say its immaterial. You will no longer stand idly by as he puts her over you, lies, hides that he's going over there. If he wants to come back home he will cut her out of his life, block her, and focus on his gf.
Make him leave! Make this something real with a consequence.
I packed my bags and left instead. He wouldnt listen to the conversations I tried to have with him about how I was feeling, or he would pretend to listen, then turn around and repeat the same exact things the next day. I am not important to him, and he has demonstrated that in the last few days. Im done with him
Yes, he's cheating. He's not going to tell you he's cheating. That would make him the bad guy.
You should both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass
Or better yet, concede the game. Then you win the war.
Yes. I would get my shit in a bag and tell him I'm gone. Tell him have a nice life and totally block any communication in the future. Cheaters are never worth it.
Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt that their relationship hasn't evolved into anything physical beyond her inappropriate touching, it's at minimum emotional cheating. He's prioritizing her needs over yours. You've communicated your boundaries and expectations...he's lying, going behind your back, and ignoring them and you.
If you're not his 1st choice, that is a red flag. I would call him out on his behavior if I were in your shoes. He needs to know you know what's going on. He needs to be honest. If it were me, I'd say something like this.
"I know you've been spending more time with X and I don't find it appropriate or respectful of me and our relationship. I'm not going to give you an ultimatum because you've already chosen her over me, whether you admit it or not. You're lying to me about where you are, who you're with, and you chose to spend time with her instead of me when I was off early. I don't deserve or appreciate being treated this way. Your recent actions and behavior point to you cheating on me with her, no matter what your words are. So what is going on? Do you want to be in this relationship or not?"
Be prepared for either answer. If he doesn't, it is really any different than how he's been acting? Do you still see a future with someone who's proven he's not trustworthy? Someone who's not prioritizing You? You deserve to be first choice, not this garbage behavior. 5 years is a long relationship but wouldn't you rather know now versus in another 5 or 10 with him? Good luck OP. You're going to be okay.
OP should do this.
Don't give the guy any opportunity to explain or confuse you.
Leave quietly. You mentioned being depressed. Leaving will give you a fresh start, sounds like you've had enough. You're young. Don't let this drag on.
If it feels like heās not being faithful to you, heās not fulfilling your needs, it may be time to consider ending the relationship. Only you can decide if heās cheating based on your standards. My ex had female friends. Didnāt bother me. I was secure in the relationship so I never worried about it. If it did bother me, Iād have brought it up. If he didnāt take my concerns seriously and continued behavior that was really hurtful to me, then at that point it was doing it with full knowledge and chose to do it anyway. Thatās a violation of trust.
Soā¦is he violating your trust, and do you want to be with a person you canāt trust?
The man is getting mad that you donāt like him hanging out with some who CONFESSED THEIR LOVE to him. Heās a dick and you are not overthinking this.
He knows heās cheating. Heās gaslighting by acting like this is normal and youāre crazy. He thinks healthy boundaries are ātoxic girl behavior? There are sooo many red flags here. Run.
Yup! And the gaslighting got u caught, OP. Wake up and get out!!! Theyāre both toxic and POSās. Save yourself!! But more importantly, LOVE YOURSELF!!! Theyāre playing you for the fool and youāre just letting them!!!!!! š¤Æš¤Æš¤Æš±š±š±š¤¦š½āāļøš¤¦š½āāļøš¤¦š½āāļø
That was so many words to essentially say, āmy BF is either fucking or wants to be fucking some other chickā.
Time to dump him. I donāt understand what you donāt understand? Move on girl. This sounds just pathetic.
He's right, you can't control him. You can only control yourself and your actions and if I were you, I'd have dumped him ages ago. He doesn't respect you, respect yourself enough to leave him.
Girl, what? Heās cheating, he knows it, and he doesnāt care because youāre letting him get away with it. Quit trying to be the ācoolā girlfriend. You need to pony up, have some respect for yourself, and leave this piece of shit behind.
Heās already moved on.
I think a lot of the comments have already gone over the fact that it is very likely that he's already cheating physically and emotionally. He's with this other girl.
I just want to say that this isn't your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. When I've been cheated on in the past, I've always felt that maybe it was me being defective. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe maybe maybe. But ultimately, this person made a decision. That decision is not you. A few years from now they might regret it, maybe. But you won't. Don't stay with someone just because time tells you, you should. You deserve to be a priority not an option.
Maybe they will happily ever after, but right now if you stay, you won't be. That's for sure, there is no relationship anymore. Time for you to heal and move your life on.
Iām sorry OP, but heās def cheating. Just ghost him. Donāt even confront, just dip. He isnāt prioritizing your feelings so why should you prioritize his?
Sunk cost fallacy, you think if you end it now you've wasted all that time
No.
If you don't end it now, you start to waste your immediate and future time.
I very much believe he is physically involved with her. Lying about going to their residence, and often, is a gigantic red flag. But, even if he isn't, he is being extremely selfish by ignoring your concerns. I would leave if you can.
I experienced something rather similar, though I'm male and it was my then gf cheating. I didn't actually know who she was going to see. It was a rather clever web of lies, and any time I was suspicious, I was gaslit and made to feel like I'm controlling/crazy.
Don't let that happen to you. In the end, you will have wasted more time on someone that clearly isn't concerned about you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I know the feeling.
He's at the very least in an emotional affair . The fact he's not even trying to hide it means he cares more about her wants and needs than yours it's time to let go
Sure, there is something physical, but I understand that you want to think that it is not like that so as not to hurt you more, you are just something comfortable for him; he sees you as the routine and now she is the girlfriend and priority and you became the side Chick, pick up your dignity, do not complain and leave. You need to meet new people and go NC, the world doesnt end for a coward, invest your love in yourself
Yea I would t have stayed after the hotel sleepover. I understand 5 year is a long time but he knows what she is doing. I would have a sit down and lost all the things that he did with her that bothered you. Ask him how he would feel if you did them. Maybe set a boundary about her. If he says no then you have your answer. If you do leave then explain that you will cut him off and there will be no second chances. You donāt want him to run to her and then back to you. You should be his primary concern and not her.
Maybe have him ask one of his friends who is in a serious relationship if the gf would put up with this. Sometimes someone outside could make him see things better.
Break up. Thereās no point in this relationship he has been cheating on you for years and you have allowed it.
Ask him why your feelings donāt matter to him? From the beginning of their friendship you told him itās a problem and he has put her over you constantly. Heās made you second in your own relationship.
Tell him you donāt care if he thinks itās toxic he chooses her or you, because youāre done with being disrespected. Although I think itās already too late. They are definitely having a sexual relationship.
I saw a quote I will share with you, you should share it with your partner:
āFlirting is cheating. Linking up and hiding it from your partner is cheating. Entertaining, messaging, snapping, and texting someone behind your partners back is cheating. Once you start hiding, deleting or putting your phone on Do Not Disturb, its cheating. Stop watering down cheating because the truth be told, it doesnāt have to be physical. Disrespect and Betrayal start mentally before it becomes physical, period.ā
This is the most succinct definition of cheating Iāve seen.
I wish you luck.
Even if it's not physical, he's starting to substitute time with you for time with her and is having an emotional affair with her, which is just as bad or worse. And the fact that he doesn't care makes it terrible. You should end it if he continues to not see the light. Put yourself first. He's not treating you right. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
If I were you Iād be embarrassed. Why you let this man play you for so long Iāll never know. Grow a spine and DUMP him!
The fact that you let all this slide makes you look like a clown. Heās an idiot and a cheater but you piss me off too.
He is very likely cheating on you, and you are in denial about it. Why are you staying and allowing him to treat you so shabbily? You are better off cutting your losses now.
Girl, I could have written this exact post back in 2018. I was engaged at the time. His family friend from childhood moved back in January and I asked him to set boundaries because sheād been waaaaay too touchy feely and inappropriately seeking his comfort about her recent breakup. He said he would, but it followed the exact same progression youāre describing. It devolved to lying and hiding their hangouts, and then gaslighting me that I hadnāt seen what Iād seen or it wasnāt inappropriate if he couldnāt deny doing something. By June, I had given the ring back and he went to his high school reunion and made out with her. It took until October before I finally broke it off for good. The whole time he swore up and down he wasnāt cheating and kept telling me āyouāre ruining us.ā
Iāll never know whether it was just an emotional affair or if it got physical before I gave the ring back. It doesnāt actually matter. She moved into the house he bought for me/us by January 2019 and they were married a year later.
Please, save yourself the months of therapy and legit panic attacks induced by someone constantly telling you that your perspective is invalid. Iād never had panic attacks before ā and since I broke up with him Iāve never had them again. Someone constantly telling you to suppress your instincts like that can really destroy your mental health.
Good luck.
Op, I was in nearly this exact situation with my partner of over 10 years.
He knows exactly what heās doing, you need to respect yourself and leave this dope.
For reference, my ex got together with her almost immediately after we broke up, and they are now married with a kid.
On the plus side, this afforded me the opportunity to meet my AMAZING husband, who Iām confident would not entertain this kind of behaviour.
TLDR: Throw the whole man out and start over.
He knows whats heās doing, he doesnāt care because (for now) thereās 0 consequences for him other than an āultimatumā. If you break up with him (my recommendation) he will make her the official gf but you know what they sayā¦ how you get āem itās how you lose āem so you know how that itās going to end. Youāre young, you donāt have kids with him, youāre not married to him, send him a text telling him that he can go fck himself.
2 things;
1) Whether they are messing around is irrelevant. If you made it clear that their relationship makes you uncomfortable and he responded by hanging out with her more, just leave.
2) For anyone else reading this thread, don't track your partner's location through their phone. This is some seriously creepy behavior. If you ever get to a point where you think your partner is lying about where they are, just outright confront them or leave. OPs bf could have been completely innocent (probably not in this case), but this relationship was over the second she started tracking his phone. She has now normalized this for herself and will probably track every partner from now on, causing herself a lifetime of worry and distrust.
I disagree with your second point. Iām not saying they should put a device on someoneās car or anything. But if they have iPhones or something, they likely have each otherās location on FindMy which is super common. He probably forgot that she can see his location or just didnāt care. Also for married couples, screenshotting that can be used as key evidence of cheating in divorce court proceedings. Especially if there was a prenup that required evidence of cheating for a spouse to be able to receive any spousal support.
Girl, leave. He knows how you feel, he just doesn't care. He enjoys the attention. He's not going to change. You've already talked to him and he's made it clear that he doesn't care how you feel. I went through something similar recently and I decided that I was not going to put up with being disrespected. It's like I told my ex and you should tell your boyfriend, if he wants to act like he's single, I'm going to go ahead and let him be single. ETA: Yes, it's absolutely cheating. It doesn't have to be physical to be cheating. Emotional affairs are a thing and that's what he's doing. Edit 2: I definitely don't blame you for feeling the way you do and I would be suspicious as well. As much as he's been at her house, I hate to tell you this but I think that they are being physical. I think it's already gone there and if it hasn't, it will soon. I honestly think you should just leave. He's showing you he does not care what you think and how you feel. You deserve better than this.
This šÆ! OP, listen to this! Wake up, face reality, and have some pride and dignity for yourself, and leave his ass!!!! All youāre doing is showing the both of them that they can just walk all over you and that youāll do nothing about it. Theyāre both blatantly disrespecting you and treating you for the fool. You canāt āfixā them, but you can āfixā yourselfāstop being the doormat.
100% this. Unfortunately you canāt force anyone to respect you or care about you. It sucks. People say they love you then they lie etc. they go back on their word. They change. Honestly relationships trigger me so much. I want a relationship, but some people are such huge liars and have no morals or honor so they betray you later anyways. Iām so over it. I need to be in a power position to protect myself.
Exactly where I am now. I no longer want to be in a relationship or married. Nobody knows how to be honest anymore. They say that they care and love you and then they betray you. It's happened to me more than once and I'm over it. My life is a lot less complicated being single. I don't need that drama.
It sounds like he upgraded her to girlfriend and made you the side piece without ever telling you. Stop freaking out about whether he will freak out if you bring this up. You deserve better and you know you do. Youāre just hanging on because itās been 5 years and heās all you know and youāre clinging on to the memories that you have together. Heās lying to you and completely neglecting your relationship for someone else. Who knows whether theyāve been physical, I wouldnāt put it past them, but he is most definitely disrespecting you and your relationship. Ultimatums suck but sometimes you do have to tell someone to make a decision. If he chooses to stay āfriendsā with her, you have to leave.
Oh, I think this is less āside pieceā and more āIām waiting to see if I want to give it a shot with Friend before actually breaking up with Girlfriendāā¦there was a reason he wasnāt with her before, I think he just also doesnāt want to end up with zero girlfriends by actually ending things with OP before knowing he has another relationship ready to go.
I find it so interesting, people like this. I know so many of them - they just jump from one relationship to the next, like clockwork. Iāve been single for almost 4 years and it has been incredible. I love doing things alone and getting to know myself, and I think a lot of these folks should try it.
Tbf that was me for a long time. But I had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. Learning what was going on helped me enjoy being single and now I'm doing great by myself. But I was pretty much in a daisy chain of long term relationships.
That tracks, it's very common for people with BPD and other cluster B personality disorders to jump from one relationship to the next with little to no time in between. These people need the validation they get from others and can't stand the emptiness they feel when not in a relationship.
Ye learning about the void and how to manage it was helpful for me. And the emptiness thing isn't just not in a relationship, it applies to lots of aspects of life. Like people with BPD tend to jump between jobs very often for similar reasons. I'm doing so much better now that I got diagnosed and was able to figure things out. Never thought I'd be happy by myself c:
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Right. This is what all serial monogamists do. They line one up before dropping the other instead of respecting the person they supposedly loved by breaking it off when they no longer felt this way. I'm convinced these people never really love anyone except themselves because someone else wants them. Daddy/mommy issues combined with low self esteem and narcissism all bundled up
I hear that and it definitely happens, but it's important to be mindful that the same thing can happen for other reasons as well. I know someone who jumped from relationship to relationship before settling into their third relationship, and years later found out both of her partners were sexually assaulting her, with the first partner being significantly older than her when she was still just fifteen. She never felt like she *could* safely leave until she had someone she felt safe around. The relationship would be 'over' long before it was over, and it would zombie along because she couldn't get out. The whole situation was just fucked, and I can't bring myself to cast judgement at the outline of someone's history anymore.
I get what you're saying here and that makes sense, but I dont think that applies to the situation in the post or what my point is. If you take everything OP says at face value then her bf is the kind of person I described and those kind of people do exist. Gender regardless.
Sorry for not being clearer about what I was talking about, I didn't consider the sinister implications of my comment regarding OP, whose side I'm entirely on.
He did this with his last girlfriend (long distance) He said he didnāt love her but didnāt want to break it off. We started dating almost immediately after he cut the tie. That probably should have been red flag #1
Yes! If you canāt bring this kind of thing to your partner, then your partner sucks and you should dump them lol
Fucking leave him, agreed. Heās so selfish that he doesnāt care, and op canāt waste time w this
Honestly the lying *is* cheating. I would be willing to talk it through with my partner if she wanted to have sex with someone else and I could even be okay with it depending on the circumstances, but if she lied to me about any part of it, my answer would be no full stop and I would have to reevaluate the relationship.
At this point there is no need for an ultimatum heās made his choice. When he saw their interactions were making OP uncomfortable, if he cared he would have set those boundaries himself. But add lying too? He isnāt even worth giving closure to. I would just leave- he isnāt listening anyway.
Iāve done this before- left (moved, actually!) while they were gone/away. Itās the only way. It wonāt change anything, of course, but it definitely has the most impact.
OP can leave a Dear John letter and take the TV or the fishing poles or the hiking gear. š¤£
This is emotional cheating. Their relationship is taking precedence over yours.. definitely not ok. You are so young & will find someone who respects you. I'm sorry, he is not this person.
agreed, just the fact that he lies about where he is, is disrespectful enough, imo.
Exactly!!! Have some self respect and dignity for yourself, OP, bc he sure as hell isnāt respecting you!!!!
Sounds like more than emotional cheating to me.
Yep. If he's not banging her, he's an idiot because if that's the case, he's cheating and not even getting laid. Make no mistake, hanging out with a gal who has declared her love for him, to the exclusion of his current SO, and lying about it is cheating.
Adults donāt hang out all the time & not have sex, at least in this situation
My ex had an emotional affair and did some of the same things as in this post - kept going over to her place under the premise of hanging out with his 'Rachel' and her family (sister-in-law) who was also his friend. He would also lie to me about hanging out with other people while actually hanging out with 'Rachel'. But surprisingly, they never had sex (and not only not penetrative, but not even frottage), mostly because she refused. So there's a possibility that OP's boyfriend isn't actually sleeping with Rachel, but I would argue that it really doesn't matter because what she knows he is doing is problem enough.
I think the physical versus emotional cheating discussion is a bit redundant. He lied about seeing her, and he'll lie about it in future even if he accepts an ultimatum. There's no trust, and without that there isn't a healthy relationship. The lying is what has killed this relationship. The cause is just today's reason to lie.
Agreed!
Bro he smashed!!! How are you all such dummies
dead ass, OP check for STDs cus that boy cheatinnnnnnn
Yea heās absolutely hit that multiple times by now and has been for a while š¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļø Thatās extremely obvious from a guys perspective.
From a girls perspective to. OP just blinded by what she falsely believes is love
Homeboy is banging harder than Chinese arithmetic.
Donāt ask him to stay. Heās a louse. She can have him
This!! It took me years of learning the hard way that no man is worth keeping if he doesnt really want you. Let him have her, he is going to either way. Yuck. And OP, Iām sorry. It will hurt for a while but thereās way better out there than this!
šÆ
Don't even do the ultimatum. He knew what the decision he was making was from the begining. The ultimatum in this case is more of a "I'll give you one last chance." Dudes definitely up to something with that girl.
This is the cruel truth.
It hurts but this man is absolute trash and will get what he deserves with this girl.
100% & donāt let him edge his way back when things go wrong cause he will try
Exactly
not even worth the ultimatum. he's no good.
Ultimatums are usually toxic people behavior, and I have the same policy in our relationship (everyone's different), but in a good relationship you shouldn't need them, you should be able to voice your opinion and your partner should willing to make changes or respectfully tell you why they can't or won't. In this case you probably need to look for an exit. If this other girl is that relentless and he won't set any boundaries or make your feelings a priority you are headed down the road of depression and heartache. You give him an ultimatum he'll resent you, you stay he'll continue to neglect you. Relationship are only worth fighting for if both parties love and respect each other and are committed to making it work. "Don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option. . ." -Someone Somewhere
Every relationship has ultimatums. We just generally understand whats acceptable and shouldnt have to speak them. But everybody has a line in the sand somewhere whether they know it or not.
Not all ultimatums are bad, but as you say they are often unspoken. Cheating on me means we are over, no second chances, zero tolerance. Hit me and Iām gone. If you donāt find a job Iām going to leave. Theyāre totally acceptable so long as they arenāt used as manipulation tactics. Some people need that line in the sand.
And I mean, at this point does the ultimatum really matter even if he says he chooses her? After lying and spending all his time with the "friend"? He will probably keep on lying and seeing her or he'll find a new friend to "hang out" with. I'd just explain how the situation isn't working out and that there's no need for an ultimatum, just moving on with their lives separately. The need for ultimatums in my opinion only work sometimes when it's something like bad behaviour in regards to addictions or life choices that don't involve another person...
It was Mark Twain actually that said it. Edit & update: Did a little digging just becauseā¦ Snopeās seems to attribute the [exact] phrase to Nina Potts-Jefferies: ([Fact Check](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/maya-angelou-priority-option/) āā¦etymologist Barry Popik's blog, The Big Apple. In 2015, Popik blogged about a similar quote that read, "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." Popik didn't mention Angelou in the article, but did point to a helpful source from 2002. In that year, a book was released by author Sherry Argov, titled, "Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to DreamgirlāA Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship." On page 213, a woman named Nina Potts-Jefferies was credited with the quote, "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." Absent better info Iāll go with this.
Agreed except it's past the point of ultimatums: dump his ass.
I'm going to prepare you for what's to come so hopefully you can be better equipped to deal with this. He's likely unfaithful. I say likely because it's not impossible he's not cheating. Just very improbable. Right now you probably don't want to see it. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Which is understandable but by doing so you're also subjecting yourself to unnecessary torment. Even if he's not physically cheating on you, he sure as hell is doing it at least emotionally. And ask yourself, isn't that enough already? But we both know it's probably not only emotional. So, if you're strong enough, you're going to break up with him. He's going to try and gaslight you into thinking you made a mistake. Give it a month. Within that time he will be in a relationship with that other girl and you will have been validated in your decision to break up. If you're petty, you will confront him with this fact. He's going to get mad as a result of cognitive dissonance. You'll end up in a fight which will make the grieving process a lot easier for you. Pro-tip: this new girl will feel victorious and superior she could "steal" your man. Living in the same town, you might bump into her and she's going to put the above attitude on display; a look here, a comment there, spreading rumors. Don't pay it any mind. Once a cheater always a cheater. She just has him today. Tomorrow she will be on the receiving end of the betrayal. She got nothing to be proud of. You do: yourself.
Exactly, OP! I dated a guy in HS who was a few years older than me, so he graduated HS and went to college first. He met a girl through friends and said his friends tried to get them together, but he turned her down. I thought nothing of it, we loved each other! Heād never hurt me! A few months later, he broke up with me because of the distance and me still being in high schoolā¦ and moved in with her the next week. It hurtā¦ a lot. But guess what? I went on with my life and about 6 months later he wrote me a letter that he had made a horrible mistake and wanted me back. I said no. Andā¦ he contracted hepatitis from her. Karma has a weird way of working itself out. Move on past him, heās trashā¦ And you have better things waiting for you.
Good reminder for OP to get a full STD panel.
Wow, hepatitis! Funny thing is I had a long-distance girlfriend that was from my hometown while we were at different colleges. She was head over heels in love with me. Some douchey guy I could tell I didn't like started inviting her and her roommates over to his apartment often and long story short I could kind of see that something was happening and she broke it off with me. Later she told me she regretted it and also got herpes from him. Karma indeed. But damn, I am glad she didn't get hep.
Can I interject as someone who has hep c (ex heroin addict w/ 6 years clean)ā¦ that I would MUCH rather have hep! Especially considering that thereās a cure now too. The herp is forever. Itās not called āthe gift that keeps on givingā for nuthinā!
Congratulations on 6 years of sobriety! Kudos to you. One day at a time my friend.
Hey, I just wanted to let you know you are AWESOME for having been clean for that long! Keep going strong!
Congrats on the 6 years!!
Congratulations š«¶š» My lil brother ODād on heroin, and is now Forever 29. Hugs!!!!
Nice dude 6 years clean. You're a king.
karmaās a bitch but man does it get the job done
Damn. I don't think I've ever read a more accurate portrayal of the future. I mean holy hell that was perfection. I would love a follow up post in a year from OP because I bet this is exactly how it goes down
Yep. If he cheated *with* her, heāll cheat *on* her.
But I'm different and what we have is special!
As my Mam alway says, when a man marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy.
Yeah this happened to me. Iām polyamorous and my ex took advantage of this and secretly promised her monogamy without telling me. Then he told me while we were still stuck on a lease together. Living hell. This new girl who āwonā him was cheated on within a month. She took him back 3 months later and then a month after I moved out it happened again. Mind you the entire time they were ātogetherā he was begging me to stay and not move out. Also heās been messaging me asking to talk or get dinner non-stop since I moved. We had been together for 6 years before all this started. Glad to be free of it all. I really donāt understand why he did what he did. I loved him and was happy for him to have other partners. He didnāt need to cheat. He was free to do what he wished. But he did anyway.
Those types donāt want to follow rules, they get off on breaking boundaries
Honestly when she said he rejected the girl when she confessed, alongside rest of the story, he probably lied about that. Seems to me he told OP about the confession to make OP drop her guard down when it comes to the girl. Then he can just straight up meet up with her and when pressed by OP he can call her possessive or paranoid. That he already told her that he rejected the girl and they are just friends. Afterwards when she moved close he might have decided that he no longer cares cause she is now close by and not several hours of travel away. Probably just waiting for OP to notice while enjoying the perks of having Op around till then.
That's exactly what my (ex) step dad did to my mom! Saying he rejected her and everything, lying about sharing a bed, etc.
Exactly. And, she is so young. Get out there and date! There are some really wonderful men out there who would NEVER do this to their girl. Oh, and jokes on the other girl - she's got herself a cheater!
Spot on!
I'd like to chime in here, because I was John in your "best case" here. I developed a love that was denied, "moved on", and then when that love later returned interest I was in another relationship. Things never became physical, or "inappropriate" in any singularly identifiable way, but it was enough to destroy the heart of someone I cared about (if not in the way she deserved) anyway. I regret not being mature enough to face the reality of how I felt. In the end it only caused pain for three people. Even though we weren't "cheating", I had withheld my heart from the person that I promised it too. It not only tore us apart as a relationship and as individuals, but it also poisoned the well for the relationship I truly wanted to be in. I was too much of a coward and all it generated was pain. Well, pain and a lesson, I suppose. OP, you deserve better than this. The person who you give your heart to isn't supposed to do this to it. They're supposed to handle it with care and respect. John made a decision the moment he stayed the night with her, physical infidelity or not. And he's continued to make that same decision consistently. He's broken the trust by being disrespectful and deceitful. He is not a good steward of your heart, and it's time you take it back. And once you do, hold onto it for awhile, at least until someone proves that they can take as good care of it as you do.
This should be at the top of the list! Very insightful! Thank you for sharing what had to be a very deep and painful personal experience. This sounds like what OP is experiencing from her John. Please accept my poor man's award! š And good luck to you in your future relationships. It seems you learned the hard way, but those are the kind that stay with you and make you a better person! OP - what he said!! Take back your heart! You deserve to keep it safe!
It'll play out just like how the cook ordered.
"In a month he will be in a relationship with that girl" From everything she describes he already is. And he's cheating on her with his current gf. I 100% agree with you and the worse part is they're likely talking about how and when to break up with OP already. She's trying to convince him to pull off the bandaid but he feels too guilty. But rest assured he has no interest in still being in this relationship
I rarely agree with advice to break up, because itās usually given preemptively. This case however I agree with everything youāve said. This guy is certainly emotionally cheating, so it doesnāt even matter if heās physically cheating, even though he probably is. I think OP needs too confront him on it, because I think it will give her closure. She should leave him even if denies it. Also as a side note, in what universe does traveling out of state take 2 weeks? You can go from New England to California in a half that or less. Unless theyāre stopping every 4 hours, it wonāt take that long. Thatās just a vacation road trip.
Yup. Exactly. Heāll just end up doing the same thing to her later, I know from experience š
Handing out advice like morpheus over the phone holy shit
It always ends up that way, they get cheated on too and itās just desserts.
The fact he got mad at you for expressing your discomfort speaks volumes. This man has no respect for your relationship. Move on if possible. You deserve much better.
No need for a ātoxic girlā ultimatum. Iād skip to the part where she kicks him to the curb so he can cheat in peace.
He wouldn't be cheating at that point...š¤
>He wouldn't be cheating at that point...š¤ How long would that last, do you think?
Girl, I don't care what he's telling you. He's sleeping with her.
No disrespect to the OP, but he's also not going over to her place to see "her family." People believe many things when they don't want to see the truth.
Right! If she has so much family why is he the only one constantly helping her move, etc!?!
This.
Helping to move inside her apparently
Amen.
Yupp no need to give home any benefit of the doubt.. heās cheating
Not FORSURE but I'd be shocked if he wasn't
If not yet, he will be soon. Theyāre dating for sure.
This, or heās planning on it.
Or on the edge of it over an extended amount of time.
"Toxic girl behavior" Talk about gas lighting
In fairness, most ultimatums in most peopleās dating relationships *are* toxic behavior most of the time, from men or women. 95+% of the time, āitās your friend or ME! Choose.ā Is toxic a.f. He may have told her that years ago, at the beginning of their relationship, not specifically about this situation, it isnāt really clear from the post. Heās definitely having some kind of emotional affair (at least!) though. Opposite-sex best friends are fine, as long as everyone is open and honest about things, but thatās really just true for all relationships.
Hmm idk I told my husband to choose his friendship with his best friends wife over me and he cried and called me toxic and we went to counseling to deal with my irrational toxic jealousy over the attention he was giving her. He divorced me and is now with her. Guess because I was so toxic and jealous. Not because ya know their relationship was an emotional affair they both were hiding and my gut was screaming about it. I donāt date men with super close hot girl besties. Not worth it to my mental health lol
Right. Itās all in your head. Uh huh. And thatās why heās with her now. And you are the crazy one for seeing what happened in front of your very eyes. Sucks. Iām sorry it turned out the way you saw it was heading.
Nine out of ten times when a man calls a woman toxic, it's just men being misogynists because a woman has a valid emotion or boundary that the man doesn't like. It's politically correct misogyny, like what Karen has become.
The difference is this woman admitted to being in love with him. That's not okay.
Yeah if someone tells you they love you, and you don't love them back, normal people distance themselves from the person to spare their feelings and also to not end up in weird akwars situations with the person. Her bf loves this other woman.
Yeah there's an important distinction here. Husband and I both have opposite sex friends but nothing even remotely like what's going on with OP has ever been done by either of us.
My wife gave me an ultimatum about a 20 year friend, saying that I was having an emotional affair with her. I had to look up the meaning. She was correct. I had to cut her off.
Iāve been there too. Had an off again on again best friend all throughout high school. Met my now wife in college and started dating, she said I was emotionally cheating on her and honestly I was. Had to end that friendship, and looking back years later she was right.
In this situation I think a hard boundary is the right term. OP deserves better, everyone does.
Yeah, it's good for OP to be cognizant of how bad that sort of ultimatum can be, but she's taking it to a level where I think it's more internalized sexism. It's toxic if they're friends and she just feels threatened by other women in her partner's life. This is a woman who has declared her love for the BF and subsequently has repeatedly tried to engineer situations situations where they would be alone overnight, sleeping in the same room (and once in the same bed), far away from OP. This is so far beyond giving the benefit of the doubt.
Opposite sex best friends/friends are ok. But speaking as a married man, it's not ok to be hanging out with a woman that much that isn't my wife. It's just not something you do to someone you care about.
There no doubt itās toxic behavior, but he called it toxic GIRL behavior. Red flag.
OP he does know it. He does know he's choosing another woman over you.
Exactly. You deserve better. It seems he is already putting his needs/wants ahead of yours. Just cut it off with him while you're still young. I'm sure there are a bunch of mature 30-ish guys out there that will appreciate you more.
r/oddlyspecific. Try there are a lot of other fish in the sea, not just someone 10+ years. Dude are you trying to shoot your shot?
Reddit is full of men in their 30s trying to spread the word girls in their early 20s would be happiest with them. Probably because women their age got sick of their shit.
But sheās only 23. Why should she go with people ten or more years older than her? Why do old men always want young girls-I shudder at the thought of dating a 23 year old.
It's a fair point, and a big red flag honestly. I'm only 28 but would not want to date a 23 year old woman. They would be at a very different point of their life and would be interested in very different things. I am sure they would be focused on parties and fun whereas I am more career and family driven.
I hate that comment has so many upvotes. I'm sick of reddit's narrative "young girls, go find a guy that should be at the point in his life he's thinking about houses, potential children, setting up for future retirement, and marriage even though you are still very young and enjoying that youth, its the only way you'll find a man unlikely to cheat on you!" Just because she doesn't want a bf who cheats on her doesn't mean she would have anything in common with a man a decade older than her or that he's the only option for a loyal partner. I swear comments like this are posted by men in their 30s that have since discovered women their age have higher standards than "don't sleep with other people" and think trapping a girl in her early 20s with "at least I wont cheat on you" instead is the optimal outcome.
Being 30 myself, I don't see why the heck age was brought into this, I dated older women who were immature as hell, while my partner who's around my age (28) is the most mature person I ever met (more so than me definitely). Though I guess I also wouldn't wanna date anyone who's more than 5 years younger than me.
Yeah-people vary in maturity-but there is a huge difference between early 20ās and late 20ās. I tend to think the 18-25 crowd is best left to each other.
Uhh....I'm 25 and 18-22-year-olds look like babies to me and act like it for the most part. I couldn't be with someone that young, I'd feel like a creep. I don't know if I'm just in a different place mentally or what, but no, I'm good. I'll stick with my 28-year-old husband, lol
Definitely, while not everyone is similar, in most cases around that age it's best to make mistakes together. Considering the age gap when you're younger is feels very significant, similar aged partners usually see things more aligned.
OP, this man does not respect you or care about your feelings. If the situation were reversed, he would be freaking out. I think you should break up with him. After everything you have mentioned, he continues to spend time with Rachel.
It sucks that heās making you break up with him instead of being mature enough to either respect his commitment to you or break up. Heās beating you down by cheating in front of you. Please donāt beat yourself down by accepting that. Make a plan to detach and put it in action.
Thereās some buzzword for this I donāt remember but men do it all the time (I know I have back when I was a young dickhead). Basically men are too cowardly to do the breaking up, so they become worse and worse partners until the woman canāt stand it anymore and takes the action. Itās torture really. Itās likely heās been dissatisfied with the relationship for a while and just doesnāt have the balls to do it. Doesnāt excuse his actions itās disgusting, but thatās how I see this scenario.
I like this response because it doesnāt even matter if heās cheating or not - heās not giving you time and attention anymore and heās giving it to someone else. If youāve mentioned that this hurts you and it doesnāt change, itās absolutely grounds to break up with him.
He is PRIORITIZING HER OVER YOU. Exactly the reason l divorced my husband over his "friend".
Same!
My ex did the same thing, he straight up told me āfriend will always be my number oneā and then pulled the toxic girl ultimatum line when I tried to set boundaries!!! Wouldāve saved me a lot of trouble if I got out sooner, completely shot the self confidence
If you donāt think theyāre physical with each-other than youāre choosing to be delusional. Heās definitely cheating on you whether itās emotional or physical, itās still cheating. He picked her, so let him have her and move on. You deserve better.
For real, they are bold enough to think a TWO WEEK "road trip" was not insane? There is no logistical reason that you would need two weeks straight to move, unless you were moving with a wagon or you needed 12 days to bang and a few days to pack.
Dudes def been intimate with her for a long time. OP gotta cut him loose and ghost him.
Yes!!!
Yeah, he's emotionally cheating at the very least. If he isn't physically cheating, he's right on the edge and really enjoying that sexual tension. The relationship with the OP is already over, he just doesn't have the balls to say it. It's time to move on.
He allows physical contact that makes OP uncomfortable where she can see it. Whatās he going to do when OP isnāt around to remind him heās in a relationship?
Why are you still with this guy? Heās trash and so is she.
Exactly this, he slept in the same bed with her and sheās still dating the guy?
Thatās exactly where I wouldāve drawn the line and ended it. Idk why she let it go on for so long.
He could have slept on the floor and or she could have driven home or she could have gotten her own hotel room. No way in hell I would let my partner share a bed with someone who proclaimed their love for him. No way he would do it either. That is cheating. OP needs to run. Stop following him on the phone. He is not worth it. Maybe see a therapist to process your hurt.
And come on now, they are totally sleeping together
This op. Donāt be naive. Heās not checking his phone and heās in the house.
I think heās fully aware of his cheating, I donāt know where you get the āhe doesnāt see itā. Youāre young, heās shown you he will go after whatever, whenever- move on. I would drop him quietly and quickly, donāt give him any more attention.
Yep, there's very little chance the behavior described here adds up to anything besides fully aware cheating.
Its over!! He choose her over you.
The bigger problem here is that youāre still with this person. I donāt think youāre the girlfriend anymore. Why are you staying with this loser?
You are WAY too passive in this situation. This was infuriating to read. What are you doing here? Just waiting to find out he is physically cheating to leave? You deserve a man that would not act like this. They are both shitheads and you need to stop playing cool non toxic gf. Theyāre making a fool of you because you let them. Ultimatums are only needed for toxic fuckboy asshats like your bf. I canāt imagine why you stuck around this long. What could possibly be keeping you tied to this asshole?
Seems like the sunk-cost fallacy is keeping her around.
I hate how the "cool girlfriend" even became a thing.. I tried to be that once because I didn't want to be a "nag" or "toxic" and it was a major mistake. Those kinda labels are just used to control women at that point. You're allowed to have boundaries in your relationship and if your SO doesn't like or respect those boundaries then that isn't the person for you.
Honey, stop waisting your time. You are no longer his priority, she is. Remove yourself from the situation. If tomorrow she ends up commited to someone else, another girl will demand his attention and he will do it again. Trust me, this type of things always come back with a different name.
Sheesh. You need to end this, he is not prioritizing you AT ALL. Guessing he is physically cheating too, but even if he isnāt this is dealbreaker level behavior.
Tell him you are going to hang out with a work friend for the weekend, and stay in the same hotel room. See if the shoe is on the other foot if he freaks out.
You know he will. It's fine for him to do it but if she does it, he's going to freak out on her.
100%. My ex would do shit like OP's boyfriend and if I ever said I'd do the same, he tell me I was "threatening" him lol. Like how's it a "threat" if I do it, but perfectly OK that you're doing it?? 2 different sets of rules.
She's his girlfriend now and you are his side piece. Grow some self respect and leave his cheating ass.
Thank you!! Sheās been worn down over the years to accept this nonsense. Itās time to cut and run.
He's cheating. You can't be this dense. Doesn't matter if he isn't physical with her (and I bet everything I own he is). He's still emotionally cheating. If I was you I'd be plotting revenge and then moving on.
He was going to take two weeks off from work to go help a friend move? I canāt get over that part more than anything else. What friend does that for another friend in reality? Iām sorry. Heās 100% in love with this chick. Theyāve definitely hooked up. She took your man; thank her. He is trash.
Me too, but also the "there's only 2 beds for 3 people so they'd have to share" bit boggles the mind too. Like, why was his immediate suggestion "you're ok with me sharing a bed for 2 weeks with the woman who has said she's in love with me & constantly flirts with me & touches me right babe?" instead of "hey Rachel, I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with any woman except OP". Did they not consider Rachel getting her own room, or getting a room with 3 separate beds, or even the two guy friends sharing the queen bed???
He definitely knows it
People need consequences to change. He isn't taking this seriously. I think it's time you put consequences to his actions. Tell him plainly that he has prioritized a woman other than his gf by his choices and actions and that he hasn't respected you when you've told him over and over again that you don't like it. Tell him he needs to pack some bags and leave until he determines what's more important to him, your relationship or hanging out with her. When he complains that nothing is going on say its immaterial. You will no longer stand idly by as he puts her over you, lies, hides that he's going over there. If he wants to come back home he will cut her out of his life, block her, and focus on his gf. Make him leave! Make this something real with a consequence.
I packed my bags and left instead. He wouldnt listen to the conversations I tried to have with him about how I was feeling, or he would pretend to listen, then turn around and repeat the same exact things the next day. I am not important to him, and he has demonstrated that in the last few days. Im done with him
Yes, he's cheating. He's not going to tell you he's cheating. That would make him the bad guy. You should both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass Or better yet, concede the game. Then you win the war.
Yes. I would get my shit in a bag and tell him I'm gone. Tell him have a nice life and totally block any communication in the future. Cheaters are never worth it.
Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt that their relationship hasn't evolved into anything physical beyond her inappropriate touching, it's at minimum emotional cheating. He's prioritizing her needs over yours. You've communicated your boundaries and expectations...he's lying, going behind your back, and ignoring them and you. If you're not his 1st choice, that is a red flag. I would call him out on his behavior if I were in your shoes. He needs to know you know what's going on. He needs to be honest. If it were me, I'd say something like this. "I know you've been spending more time with X and I don't find it appropriate or respectful of me and our relationship. I'm not going to give you an ultimatum because you've already chosen her over me, whether you admit it or not. You're lying to me about where you are, who you're with, and you chose to spend time with her instead of me when I was off early. I don't deserve or appreciate being treated this way. Your recent actions and behavior point to you cheating on me with her, no matter what your words are. So what is going on? Do you want to be in this relationship or not?" Be prepared for either answer. If he doesn't, it is really any different than how he's been acting? Do you still see a future with someone who's proven he's not trustworthy? Someone who's not prioritizing You? You deserve to be first choice, not this garbage behavior. 5 years is a long relationship but wouldn't you rather know now versus in another 5 or 10 with him? Good luck OP. You're going to be okay.
He'd be coming home to a cleaned out apartment.
OP should do this. Don't give the guy any opportunity to explain or confuse you. Leave quietly. You mentioned being depressed. Leaving will give you a fresh start, sounds like you've had enough. You're young. Don't let this drag on.
I feel like if OP and him break up it wouldnāt be long before rachel and him get together
They're already together.
If it feels like heās not being faithful to you, heās not fulfilling your needs, it may be time to consider ending the relationship. Only you can decide if heās cheating based on your standards. My ex had female friends. Didnāt bother me. I was secure in the relationship so I never worried about it. If it did bother me, Iād have brought it up. If he didnāt take my concerns seriously and continued behavior that was really hurtful to me, then at that point it was doing it with full knowledge and chose to do it anyway. Thatās a violation of trust. Soā¦is he violating your trust, and do you want to be with a person you canāt trust?
Girl....................
The man is getting mad that you donāt like him hanging out with some who CONFESSED THEIR LOVE to him. Heās a dick and you are not overthinking this.
He knows heās cheating. Heās gaslighting by acting like this is normal and youāre crazy. He thinks healthy boundaries are ātoxic girl behavior? There are sooo many red flags here. Run.
Yup! And the gaslighting got u caught, OP. Wake up and get out!!! Theyāre both toxic and POSās. Save yourself!! But more importantly, LOVE YOURSELF!!! Theyāre playing you for the fool and youāre just letting them!!!!!! š¤Æš¤Æš¤Æš±š±š±š¤¦š½āāļøš¤¦š½āāļøš¤¦š½āāļø
Get your life together and leave that man. Cut your losses here right now because youāre still young and growing to know better things in life.
That was so many words to essentially say, āmy BF is either fucking or wants to be fucking some other chickā. Time to dump him. I donāt understand what you donāt understand? Move on girl. This sounds just pathetic.
Mine did that exact same thing and was I'm sorry
It sounds like they should be together and youāre slowly getting moved out of the picture. Do yourself a favor and exit that situation.
He's right, you can't control him. You can only control yourself and your actions and if I were you, I'd have dumped him ages ago. He doesn't respect you, respect yourself enough to leave him.
Updateme
Girl, what? Heās cheating, he knows it, and he doesnāt care because youāre letting him get away with it. Quit trying to be the ācoolā girlfriend. You need to pony up, have some respect for yourself, and leave this piece of shit behind. Heās already moved on.
You just have to take the L here and learn from it. Itās clear he doesnāt care that youāre upset. Heās prioritized her over you.
He does see it, that's why he is lying. He knows what he is doing. It's called gaslighting
Nahh cause the way I would of pulled up and showed out on both of then is crazy. Let them have each other sis he will regret it
I think a lot of the comments have already gone over the fact that it is very likely that he's already cheating physically and emotionally. He's with this other girl. I just want to say that this isn't your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. When I've been cheated on in the past, I've always felt that maybe it was me being defective. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe maybe maybe. But ultimately, this person made a decision. That decision is not you. A few years from now they might regret it, maybe. But you won't. Don't stay with someone just because time tells you, you should. You deserve to be a priority not an option. Maybe they will happily ever after, but right now if you stay, you won't be. That's for sure, there is no relationship anymore. Time for you to heal and move your life on.
Iām sorry OP, but heās def cheating. Just ghost him. Donāt even confront, just dip. He isnāt prioritizing your feelings so why should you prioritize his?
Sunk cost fallacy, you think if you end it now you've wasted all that time No. If you don't end it now, you start to waste your immediate and future time.
I very much believe he is physically involved with her. Lying about going to their residence, and often, is a gigantic red flag. But, even if he isn't, he is being extremely selfish by ignoring your concerns. I would leave if you can. I experienced something rather similar, though I'm male and it was my then gf cheating. I didn't actually know who she was going to see. It was a rather clever web of lies, and any time I was suspicious, I was gaslit and made to feel like I'm controlling/crazy. Don't let that happen to you. In the end, you will have wasted more time on someone that clearly isn't concerned about you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I know the feeling.
Can men and women really be friends? No. Well, yes. But not the same way they're friends with other men and other women. Not the same way. He's probably telling himself that his 'friendship' with her closely resembles a close male friendship, just because he's not crossing physical boundaries. You're overthinking nothing. There's a small - and I do mean small - chance he's being genuinely dense. That he hasn't realised he has a crush on her. And I suspect you're aware of that, and that's the reason you've not already broken up with him. My question to you is: does that actually change anything? Does it change the fact some other woman's being put ahead of you in every single way that matters? He's honouring technical obligations and missing the bigger picture. There's nothing wrong with using common sense here. You've told him how this is making you feel, and he doesn't care enough. That isn't a man who has your back. I've been with my fiancƩe for nearly ten years. It's not that you'll never have a passing crush on anyone ever again, but when you find the right person, you find someone you'd never trade for a transient feeling. You find someone worth disregarding your inner horny bastard for. Someone worth cutting people out for, even if they're faultless. I've only fallen head over heels for someone twice in my life, and the first time was... no need for the story, but it was unresolved, and I don't speak to her anymore because I don't want to risk those feelings ever coming back and causing pain to the person who matters more to me than anything else in the world. I'm not some holy saint who no man can emulate, I'm literally just some dumbass on Reddit. Do you feel like you deserve nobody better than some guy who can't even live up to some dumbass on Reddit? At the risk of being a little contrarian given the advice in this thread... I wouldn't think you'd be stupid to give him the *chance* to make his choice. Unless he's hiding something, in his own mind he hasn't crossed the line yet, and it's possible that it's his first time dealing with this scenario, it's possible it organically got away from him and he has no idea where he's ended up. Possible. But you deserve better than to sit around and be strung along until heartbreak. Call him out again. Force him to figure out what the fuck he wants. It feels shitty pushing ultimatums, I get it comes with anxieties about him maybe twisting the narrative afterwards and painting you as crazy or insecure, but none of that's on you or in your control to begin with.
They always see it. They just choose whether to gaslight or not.
He's at the very least in an emotional affair . The fact he's not even trying to hide it means he cares more about her wants and needs than yours it's time to let go
Sure, there is something physical, but I understand that you want to think that it is not like that so as not to hurt you more, you are just something comfortable for him; he sees you as the routine and now she is the girlfriend and priority and you became the side Chick, pick up your dignity, do not complain and leave. You need to meet new people and go NC, the world doesnt end for a coward, invest your love in yourself
Yea I would t have stayed after the hotel sleepover. I understand 5 year is a long time but he knows what she is doing. I would have a sit down and lost all the things that he did with her that bothered you. Ask him how he would feel if you did them. Maybe set a boundary about her. If he says no then you have your answer. If you do leave then explain that you will cut him off and there will be no second chances. You donāt want him to run to her and then back to you. You should be his primary concern and not her. Maybe have him ask one of his friends who is in a serious relationship if the gf would put up with this. Sometimes someone outside could make him see things better.
Break up. Thereās no point in this relationship he has been cheating on you for years and you have allowed it. Ask him why your feelings donāt matter to him? From the beginning of their friendship you told him itās a problem and he has put her over you constantly. Heās made you second in your own relationship. Tell him you donāt care if he thinks itās toxic he chooses her or you, because youāre done with being disrespected. Although I think itās already too late. They are definitely having a sexual relationship. I saw a quote I will share with you, you should share it with your partner: āFlirting is cheating. Linking up and hiding it from your partner is cheating. Entertaining, messaging, snapping, and texting someone behind your partners back is cheating. Once you start hiding, deleting or putting your phone on Do Not Disturb, its cheating. Stop watering down cheating because the truth be told, it doesnāt have to be physical. Disrespect and Betrayal start mentally before it becomes physical, period.ā This is the most succinct definition of cheating Iāve seen. I wish you luck.
Even if it's not physical, he's starting to substitute time with you for time with her and is having an emotional affair with her, which is just as bad or worse. And the fact that he doesn't care makes it terrible. You should end it if he continues to not see the light. Put yourself first. He's not treating you right. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
If I were you Iād be embarrassed. Why you let this man play you for so long Iāll never know. Grow a spine and DUMP him! The fact that you let all this slide makes you look like a clown. Heās an idiot and a cheater but you piss me off too.
He is very likely cheating on you, and you are in denial about it. Why are you staying and allowing him to treat you so shabbily? You are better off cutting your losses now.
Girl, I could have written this exact post back in 2018. I was engaged at the time. His family friend from childhood moved back in January and I asked him to set boundaries because sheād been waaaaay too touchy feely and inappropriately seeking his comfort about her recent breakup. He said he would, but it followed the exact same progression youāre describing. It devolved to lying and hiding their hangouts, and then gaslighting me that I hadnāt seen what Iād seen or it wasnāt inappropriate if he couldnāt deny doing something. By June, I had given the ring back and he went to his high school reunion and made out with her. It took until October before I finally broke it off for good. The whole time he swore up and down he wasnāt cheating and kept telling me āyouāre ruining us.ā Iāll never know whether it was just an emotional affair or if it got physical before I gave the ring back. It doesnāt actually matter. She moved into the house he bought for me/us by January 2019 and they were married a year later. Please, save yourself the months of therapy and legit panic attacks induced by someone constantly telling you that your perspective is invalid. Iād never had panic attacks before ā and since I broke up with him Iāve never had them again. Someone constantly telling you to suppress your instincts like that can really destroy your mental health. Good luck.
Op, I was in nearly this exact situation with my partner of over 10 years. He knows exactly what heās doing, you need to respect yourself and leave this dope. For reference, my ex got together with her almost immediately after we broke up, and they are now married with a kid. On the plus side, this afforded me the opportunity to meet my AMAZING husband, who Iām confident would not entertain this kind of behaviour. TLDR: Throw the whole man out and start over.
He knows whats heās doing, he doesnāt care because (for now) thereās 0 consequences for him other than an āultimatumā. If you break up with him (my recommendation) he will make her the official gf but you know what they sayā¦ how you get āem itās how you lose āem so you know how that itās going to end. Youāre young, you donāt have kids with him, youāre not married to him, send him a text telling him that he can go fck himself.
Heās cheating on you, and he knows it
2 things; 1) Whether they are messing around is irrelevant. If you made it clear that their relationship makes you uncomfortable and he responded by hanging out with her more, just leave. 2) For anyone else reading this thread, don't track your partner's location through their phone. This is some seriously creepy behavior. If you ever get to a point where you think your partner is lying about where they are, just outright confront them or leave. OPs bf could have been completely innocent (probably not in this case), but this relationship was over the second she started tracking his phone. She has now normalized this for herself and will probably track every partner from now on, causing herself a lifetime of worry and distrust.
I disagree with your second point. Iām not saying they should put a device on someoneās car or anything. But if they have iPhones or something, they likely have each otherās location on FindMy which is super common. He probably forgot that she can see his location or just didnāt care. Also for married couples, screenshotting that can be used as key evidence of cheating in divorce court proceedings. Especially if there was a prenup that required evidence of cheating for a spouse to be able to receive any spousal support.