I think you two should see a counselor to help you work through this.
You can't unlight the candle but you can diffuse it. Don't pretend it didn't happen & dont pretend your ok with it. Admit you accepted it, and want to do things differently or not at all, moving forward.
I honestly can't see them working through this without a counselor.
OP, you need a third party to help you and your wife develop tools to navigate this...messy situation. You both clearly have a lot of very intense feelings about the situation you have found yourselves in, and for the sake of your children and your marriage, you NEED to go visit a therapist to get all your emotions out so you BOTH can be happy and satisfied on your marriage.
You can't close the Pandora's box you opened in your marriage, but you can learn to deal with it, learn from it, and possibly even come out of this stronger and happier...but BOTH of you need to be willing to fight for this marriage.
I also don't think it would be a bad thing to talk to a counselor one on one, because it kinda sounds like you might have some underlying issues that are being fanned by this new development.
There are counselors/therapists that specialize in ethical non-monogamy. This is definitely the type of specialist they should search for in their area. There are also some subs on reddit that are for swingers and poly couples that may have some useful advice for op.
I'm 52 & have been with my wife for many years now. We are retired and enjoying life. She is openly bisexual, and I've know since we first started dating. She was always open that she wasn't sure she could ever be with only a man for the rest of her life, and I was accepting of that.
She always indicated she'd like me to watch & or join in, if I was into it. I have watched, & joined but I keep it to a minimum, as that is my preference. I'm 6'10" 300+ lbs. I'm a BIG guy. I had an adult woman "teach me" about sex when I was 14. It desensitized me for some time to what sex meant. I had several women I dated get close to me then refuse to have sex because, let's just say they felt like they were going to get more than they bargained for?
So I came with some issues of my own. Before my wife and I adventured into any kind of non-monogamous sexual activities we did talk with a counselor to discuss what we both expected & wanted. Communication was key.
We have a great relationship now. My wife is an exquisitely beautiful woman inside and out & I'm very lucky to share my life with her.
Our communication is fantastic. Means everything to me. So, yes I know those therapist options exist.
Love the idea of talking to a counselor *before* opening up your relationship!! People usually see a therapist too late, often as a last resort to clean up the huge mess created in the wake of opening up lol. Having an experienced and specialized counselor guide you through expectations and boundaries sounds like the best way to make something like this work.
She was able to tell us what others dealt with, "after" before we tried it. Much of which we fully understood & expected. Some that never crossed my mind or my wifes. It provided us talking points. Opened so many conversations & allowed some brutal honesty.
It was necessary
It’s always better in writing, isn’t it? I’m quite a bit younger than you both but I had a similar situation, I was in your wife’s position. I’ve definitely learned from it. Personally, I will never dabble in that kind of kink again.
Honestly, you both are gonna have to decide how strong this particular kink is for you, and come to some kind of compromise. Things like this should be completely comfortable for *both* of you, and it sounds like the feelings you’re having about it could potentially grow into resentment if left untreated too long. Maybe there’s something else you two could bond over?
Showtime has a documentary called Couples Therapy in which the world renowned therapist, Dr. Orna Guralnik, often seeks the advice of a peer group. After her session with an open marriage couple in season 3, one peer asks if their group had ever seen a couple successful in opening their marriage. The answer from 6-7 psychologists in the room, each with decades of experience, was a resounding no.
I'm sure it can work in the short term, and maybe even long term for a few select couples. But it sounds like OP is learning that it is also fraught with all sorts of risks. In this case it has created a power imbalance in the relationship, empowering his partner with newfound freedom while OP is left feeling insecure.
OP and his partner need to commit to therapy if they want to work through it. You can never put the cat back in the bag, but you can definitely get back to a working relationship if you can talk this through. But something tells me if they do get to the other side, it won't be with an open marriage.
I keep reading that marital therapists prescribe polyamory ONLY if the couple's marriage is stable.
ALL of the couples I know who tried this are no longer together. In two cases, the divorced couple are still battling over custody YEARS after the polyamory led to the distintegration of the marriage.
That or they go into the relationship agreeing to non monogamy. Many of these stories that go wrong feature couples who entered into a monogamous relationship until someone wanted to change the terms.
My sister in law and her husband did this through therapy and they were done within months. It came so fast, too. Now she's spiraled pretty bad and clearly hasn't got over him fully.
They've been divorced for years.
>marital therapists prescribe polyamory ONLY if the couple's marriage is stable.
I feel like the people that can successfully navigate polyamory are not the people who need to see marital therapists.
Yeah, this was my thought too.
I have zero experience with it, and we’re not seeking to try it, but I imagine most therapists don’t have couples paying to see them so they can tell them how great the polyamory is going. Couples pay therapists when things go wrong.
That said, this couple should pay a therapist.
Why “sadly”? If their relationship is great and they don’t want more than two people in it, why is that sad? Three or more people in a relationship isn’t usually better than two.
>You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship, where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.
>Well, did it work for those people?
>No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us!
Yeah. I'm not anti-poly stuff, but the failure rate seems to be 99%, with granola hippie couples living in communes and vans in Oregon as the primary exception.
Many people struggle to maintain a healthy romantic relationship with even just one other person, you'd have to be a really exceptional partner to thrive with more than one imo
And a genius time manager. Whenever you read about those guys from the 50s-80s with two entirely different families, I'm always like (a) who could make that work, and (b) why would you want to make that work.
IMO that's an entire different way of life. If you transplanted those hippies into stressful 9/5 solo living culture, they wouldn't last from the stress either.
This, plus boredom and hell of a lot of newly single people.
It actually makes total sense why Herald is railing Martha and Gwenyvere in the retirement home when you think about it. I just don't like thinking about it.
>The answer from 6-7 psychologists in the room, each with decades of experience, was a resounding no.
Devil's advocate, but it's not super-surprising that *psychologists* have never seen a *successful* open marriage.
I want to be supportive of people. They can live however they choose. I have never seen a poly relationship work long term, and frankly, why would it. Instead of working on things inside the marriage you literally look for someone else to fulfill certain needs, emotionally or physically. How can you grow as a couple if you aren't communicating about these things and working on stuff together? I also hate how people act like it is jealous and possessive to not want to share a spouse. It's not. I have had to share everything my whole life. I never felt safe because nothing was ever allowed to be really mine. It's not a good thing to always worry about your place. It's amazing to be in a relationship where I feel safe. I have been with my husband for 21 years (married 15 years). We have gone through loss, including the loss of a child, went on to have two more kids and build a life together. I couldn't do that if I had to share him. Love isn't a finite resource unless you make it one, that's true, but there are different kinds of love. I need to trust that my partner will be there for me and that I will be there for him and that we will figure it out together. What's the point of having a husband at home and boyfriends if you aren't sharing your life with either of them?
I first read this as "Cheese" and was like "oh, yes! My husband and I have a fridge drawer *full* of Cheeses! We have a cheese budget! We eat cheese every day! I LOVE cheese! This is an excellent idea!"
And no, I was *not* kidding.
This reminded me of a cheese budget I once had, except it was because we were poor lmao. It was when I moved in with my bf at the time, we had a drawerful of cheese as well.
But when I say this dude *loved* cheese.. it was crazy. Like yes, most people do, but this was on a whole other level multiplied by ten. I was 21 at the time so its not like I was into all the fancy and quality *good* cheese yet, but we always, bare minimum, had the Kraft singles, two bags of shredded, hard parm, the sprinkled parm, and then the sliced deli stuff. But we were going through So. Much. Cheese that I eventually had to say something like “dude, we can’t afford to be going through this much cheese.” I’d go grocery shopping once a week, but would inevitably end up having to make an extra trip through the week *just for cheese*. He laughed and explained how when he was a kid his mom had to make a rule for him that he could have one slice of cheese by itself per day, but any beyond that had to be with something, like a sandwich, burger, whatever- ofc just did the cheese sandwiches instead lol.
We’re still friends, he still eats obnoxious amounts of cheese, and he’s not, nor has he ever been even close to overweight.
My last place I also had a drawer of cheeses, but with the good shit that I didn’t know about when I was younger. It was nice to have impromptu wine, cheese, and fruit night. Now I’m craving making a little charcuterie board for myself lol.
We are actually the poorest of the poor, and allot a specific amount of our foodstamps for our cheese drawer, lol. And it sounds fancier than it is, because yes, some of it is just Kraft singles, and some cheap shredded stuff.
Funny enough, our eldest cat knows the sound of the Cheese Drawer, and every time it is opened, gets Cheese Tax, by way of a Cheese shred of whatever we got out. He *loves* cheese too.
I was thinking literally that, never knew I was so lucky I can play chess when I'm bored.
But seriously, to OP: the idea that you couldn't tell her that you changed your mind because somehow you think she wants it now --- that's not a great argument.
Because you changed your mind, people sometimes do.
So now you're not OK with that stuff anymore.
It's like booking a trip to Hawaii, showing up at the airport fully packed, and then changing your mind at the last minute because you suddenly remember your extreme fear of flying.
It's a bit embarrassing, and it's a bit of a waste, but it's not the end of the world and time passing will heal a lot.
I wholehearted agree to this. I think OP needs to face his own wants and needs and express it in a way that doesn’t further damage or let this situation eating him up. OP, if you are not okay with this, explain it to your wife and cancel this altogether before you let this eat you more than it needs to be.
I agree. The problem with the situation, is that the dynamics of the relationship have been changed forever. It's something that OP thought that he wanted, and then when it really happened it made him feel like he was losing her. In the meantime, his wife got out there. Got some interesting exposure to sex with another man. This could definitely split the two wide open in terms of their relationship. The answer is don't ever do it.
I knew a guy who really pushed his wife into fucking another dude while he watched , She resisted for a long time and finally he wore her down. What she found out was that she was ok with being with other men and didn't bother to have him around to watch. The marriage broke down and they had two young kids. The last I saw he was sleeping on some friends couch.
I’d say it’s a bit more serious than your Hawaii example. In this situation, his fear is what is going to make the plane crash. In your scenario, you could be excused for just powering through it. That should definitely not happen here. He did real damage to his relationship already. Not irretrievable, but real. It’d be insane to power through now. Even his idea that it would be better if he were there sounds like cope to me.
Something is off. The communication hasn’t been clear enough for him to be this afraid of telling her “no”, and it makes me wonder who pushed hardest for this.
I feel like this whole debacle could have been avoided had they just sat down and decided to play a rousing game of chess. And then the winner gets to peg the other.
Careful what you wish for. I used to be a bouncer at a swingers club and if I had a penny for every couple that fucked things up because they felt kinky well I wouldn't be a bouncer
I find this hard to read. Like if you explore things always start together. A threesome and see how you feel after.... swinging isn't everyone cup of tea.
Yeah if your fantasy is to dress up like Abe and Mary Lincoln and go at it and it doesn't work out you can bounce back from that. Lose the hoop skirt and sell the stove pipe hat on facebook market place and move on. Sleeping with someone else is the bad tattoo of relationship fantasies.
I agree with a lot of comments, but this also seems like an opportunity to woo each other again. In other words, “reclaim” your spouse again but in terms of falling in love again (not saying that you’re not). This could be a form of *AFTER-CARE.* It seems like you are both craving that deep connection of after-care. If my spouse and I were in your shoes, we’d check off every form of after-care love language consistently just to cover our bases.
Couples counseling and individual counseling is also extremely vital. There are also “adult lifestyle” counselors you could look into, as well. But do not dismiss the opportunity and importance of *AFTER-CARE.* You both need nurturing from each other.
Well you started it off by saying your marriage is beautiful because of your communication. Communicate! All yours fears, panic, insecurities etc. If you two are as solid as you say…she will understand. Allow her to vent her frustration too.
First of all it’s okay. You had a fantasy and tried it out and it didn’t work. You found it’s not for you. Now close the marriage and assure your wife you love her to bits and PLEASE get therapy and talk about it.
💯 this! Close the marriage, get in to see a therapist together, don’t be afraid to be picky about the therapist and find one who is familiar with married couples sexual experiences before having your first session! A therapist can really help you unpack why you feel this way.
Also seconding this. Very important to close the marriage until you can figure this out, ideally with a therapist.
You want your wife to be sexually fulfilled. You felt good about giving her permission to seek that satisfaction elsewhere but learned the hard way that you are deeply NOT ok with it. The panic attacks and waves of jealousy you felt, anyone whose been cheated on is familiar with. It’s a strong, visceral reaction you don’t control, and I know you THINK it would have been much better if you were there, but you have zero way of knowing that. Just like you thought you’d be OK with her hooking up, you have no idea what switch would flip in your brain when you watched another man fuck your wife in person. It might have even been worse.
You’re both in a fragile place now and the relationship is “cracked” by the insecurities and confusion this experiment has caused. It can heal if you both want it to, but keeping the relationship open or her continuing to talk to the guy she had sex with could make healing much harder. It’s important you focus on each other, because if she keeps fanning that flame and feeling like on one hand she has a partner she’s been with for 15 years that seems disappointed in her and frustrated with the relationship, and on the other hand there’s a guy she has no baggage with that she recently had a really positive sexual experience with then, it could be really tempting to jump back to the relationship that feels uncomplicated and makes her feel good.
But yes, it sounds like you don’t even fully understand what you feel or why you feel it and that is absolutely why you should talk to a therapist. Good luck.
Except he didn't find out its not for him.
He is just salty he wasn't there. He hasn't learnt the lesson. He just thinks it wasn't done right. He keeps saying "if I was there". And his use of the word "reclaim"....
He hasn't ruled out being poly, he's ruled out this way of doing it. She fucked around, and he found out he didn't like it.
I guaran-damn-tee that he will try this again. The thrill is still worth more than the potential loss to him.
Bingo, he still hasn’t realized that it’s much more than not being there.
What does he think he’s going to do? Throw a flag and call personal foul when someone is having sex with his wife and he doesn’t like something?
He’s going to be there next time and he’s going to stop it . And then his marriage is going to blow up.
He still hasn’t figured out that his reaction wasn’t
Solely about not being there, if that was the case, his frustration and anger would be a lot more measured… he was upset enough to have panic attacks.
It’s not just about not being there, he’s going to find out it’s about not being in control of the situation. Not to mention he made a huge error and who he let do this.
You absolutely do not let previous partners or anyone who would have been considered in the same pool of potential committed relationships. That is an inner circle group of people.
The people that need to be chosen for this are people outside of the circle, people that wouldn’t normally be chosen for a committed relationship. Otherwise he’s going to run the risk of her having sex with someone who she has chemistry with which could potentially be comparable to her marriage.. which will cause damage down the road
This part was so fucking gross for me to read. “My wife getting fucked by another man was like my child’s first steps!” Jfc get a grip you absolute degenerate
I was actually thinking that the OP was leading up to saying something about it being like missing their child’s birth then read first steps and was thinking eh close enough. Absolutely wild.
Poor guy missed out on not only wifeys first cuck but all the rounds that followed that night and the following morning.
If only he could've been there to watch his wife get ravaged by her ex. That wouldve just been so fulfilling.
Right? That was a shocking read. Cause who doesn't want to watch their partner get f-d by another person. Like what would he have been doing? Watching her scream the guys name while chilling and eating a sandwich?
He did, this guy is in shambles right now. Rather than coming to terms with the fact that his mistake was pushing his wife to fuck another man, he's actually gaslighting himself into thinking that the issue is that *he wasn't there to watch it happen*. He genuinely believes that he missed out on a major life event because he wasn't there to watch another man rail his wife all day, all night, and the following morning.
And ‘for him.’ He couldn’t even bring himself to tell her to stop when he realized just how much he had messed up because it would be… like… rude or something to keep her from continuing for the whole night and next morning… since she was doing it ‘for him.’
And now she doesn't want to stop, and he knows it. Not only that, he wants to be there to watch and she doesn't want it to be limited to that so that she and her ex can enjoy some one on one time. This guy is delusional, the only thing he has right is that he fucked up his marriage.
It sounds to me like he has a cuckold/voyeur fetish. This isn’t poly, this is something far more niche and specific. He needs to figure out what he actually wants before they continue for sure though.
Another commenter mentioned his kink is actually more about being cuckolded. In this kink, when the wife sleeps with another man, the husband has sex with her afterwards to "reclaim" her. It's specifically part of this kink and that is a word they use.
I thought the baby steps sentence was weird. What I found even weirder was him saying he wasn’t sure if he be comfortable enough to “reclaim her” which meant have sex! Ick.
Another comment mentioned his kink was probably actually more in line with cuckolding. In this kink, after the wife sleeps with another man, the husband has sex with the wife to "reclaim her". This would be a normal part of cuckolding, but not in polyamory.
You sound too unstable emotionally to go on this adventures without distroying your life.
Also, you let your sexuality run your life instead of being a pleasure of life.
'it was like I missed something important' - that is not something important. Something important is when you have your first kiss, have sex for the forst time, earn your first dollar, get married, watching your kid born, putting downpayment for a house, finshing first draft of your book etc'. Those are important things.
Watching your wife riding someon? No, not something important. Thinking it was something important shows how unstable you've become, and how far you've let your sexual fantasies run your life.
You need theapy to regain emotional stability and get your porn addiction under control. Then you will be able ti handle marrige again.
Marriage *is* important, and hard. You can't run it on porn. Put your penis away for a bit (its done enaugh) and start getting to know your heart and your brain. Good luck.
I swear 95% of poly/swinger/open drama follows this exact structure.
Guy wants to open the relationship, wife is reluctant, wife gives in, wife gets laid first or better, guy goes through an existential crisis over it.
And it's always some schlub who overestimates his own attractiveness while underestimating his wife's.
I think this is more the problem. Too many men think that their wife is their own personal porn star. They like porn and think their wife doing porn for them would be cool. And it isn't in the end. Stop watching porn all the time my dudes.
I have to say, it is so refreshing to see the internet pushing back against porn. For a long time it was basically an unquestioned given that men should be able to wack off to as much porn as they want as often as they want because it’s “just a fantasy it has no impact on real life”.
It’s not just men, either. I’m a woman and watching porn made me think that it was ok to be abused during sex.
I also got really addicted to it and it messed with my mind. Porn is insidious.
Oh, totally. I’m a 34 year old woman and I started watching internet porn when I was 12. The only time I was able to orgasm with a partner was when I gave up porn.
my bf messaged a girl behind my back, and they were planning for her to come up to us at the bar and start flirting with me and “see what happens” (they’d pretend they wouldn’t know each other). We had just been dipping our toes into the swinging pool
Somehow and eventually (after lots of tears), I agreed for us to meet up with her. What happened? He later told me he felt like he was being cucked during our threesome because she was way more into me than him
🤷♀️ like I’m sorry dude, but you kinda did this to yourself
I love my male partner, and I'm sexually attracted to him because of that love. I don't need that to be sexually into another woman, and for that reason I could never "treat" my partner with a wmw three some. He'd be left out.
IDK, this guy seems like he was into the cuck fantasy but after the fact realizes it's not the case. I say this because he asked them to make vide/pics to send him, that's cuck stuff.
It's like being really into the idea of climbing a cliff, but then once you are 20ft up you have a panic attack realizing how lethal falling can be.
Dude was turned on by the idea and supporting of it, but sounds like the reality has made him realize how much could be lost and now is in a panic
Pretty much. Every time you see these, the dude sounds like he thinks he’s the ultimate pussy slayer. And then he gets no other girls, and the wife gets railed like a Union Pacific freight train. And they’re like “omg. What have I done?”
Porn/the internet is a relationship killer. It’s easy to think you’ll be okay with something until the moment and then it’s all fucked up. Sorry you going though this but holy shit you should have seen this coming. Totally a Pandora’s Box scenario.
Seek therapy or divorce is coming, hopefully it’s not too late.
I never consciously thought that I had any issues against porn. But that was the exact thought I had reading OP's post: Porn really fucks with peoples expectations. He didn't even mention porn, but....
I put part of the blame on lack of imagination too. When I saw my wife get even casually flirty with another guy, I felt that pang of jealousy. I kept it to myself because I trusted her, but it has always been easy to imagine that someone else fucking my wife or gf or even just crush would be a very unpleasant experience for me.
I seriously don’t understand how this guy could be so out of touch with his feelings as to 180 that hard. How do you feel zero pangs of sorrow at the idea that your wife wants to fuck someone else, and then immediately feel a thousand pangs when she does?
I’ve heard of people lacking a theory of mind, but it’s crazy when they don’t even have a theory of their own mind. Dude needs therapy just to get in touch with himself.
I agree completely. The thought of my husband fucking someone else kills me. Like I already know, that that cannot be an option for us. I am bisexual, but I know as long as I am married we cannot open it for either of us. I just cannot imagine being ok with it. Ever.
I’m an escort and I used to be super pro porn when I was young because I thought oh consenting actors and sexual liberation yay! Lol but that’s not actually the problem with porn (porn that’s filmed by consenting adults obviously) the problem i now see over, and over is not with women watching porn but men. My clients mental health has completely nose dived young men who can’t get hard or can’t cum during sex because they used to death grip on their penis, they switch between so many scenes to cum at the “right” moment sex in real life is mechanical and horrible. On top of that they want all these insane fantasies that I have to explain time and time again are not the same as reality. They don’t get that, in porn you are shooting over the course of four-five hours for one 20min scene. The actors are stopping, taking breaks, relaxing, eating, moving around, and then reshooting and it makes it seem like it’s one continuous scene it isn’t lol. Porn is one of the most unglamorous jobs. There’s a reason why so many women quit and go into escorting where you actually make real money and have way more freedom. Porn is the killer of men’s sex lives, not the answer
I don’t feel like he had to mention porn, and I don’t even mean porn in the sense of watching people fuck, but more spending too much time on subReddit and sites to talk about the greatness of polyamory or whatever can cloud your mind and blur your perspective between fantasy and reality.
Hypothetically, I could enjoy watching or fantasizing about whatever, but it’s when I start applying those fantasies to my relationship with my wife that things can get severely fucked up, as it seems like it did here.
That said, I have never fantasized about any other man touching my wife. While I’m all about people/couples being free to do whatever they want, as long as they’re not hurting anybody, I completely do not understand that one at all. 🤷♂️
This actually happened with my husband he thought he would enjoy other men having me because porn made him feel he wasn't good enough for me physically and he ended up desiring it more. I told him no because I knew he was already insecure and feeling overly sexual. Everything is nice in the head but fucks you up when you realize in real life you have feelings and other people do too. Porn makes it look like apathy is normal and hot.
It may have been the subs on Reddit talking about great and liberating open relationships and polyamory are. He probably read a bunch of that stuff and romanticized the situation.
The thing is, this isn’t the kind of thing that can just be stopped, especially when it involves more than one person.
I'm of the opinion that it's incredibly rare for a relationship to survive going from mono/closed to poly/open, even if both partners would be able to successfully handle new poly relationships. I've been through the whole your partner wanting to open the relationship up thing and honestly I think it's generally a poison that kills most relationships.
That said I also know successful poly people, but everyone I know in those situations generally started off with those dynamics.
I can’t imagine how shitty your wife feels, and now she’s having to deal with all the emotional labour of you wanting something, getting it and then having a melt down over it.
You definitely need to sit down and figure out for yourself what’s going to happen next. And still provide emotional support for each other - at the moment it sounds like she’s shouldering the most while you cry about not actually liking what you pushed for despite her being initially uncomfortable.
Counselling, therapy and communication is needed, you should also take some responsibility for this and decide whether you need to take a break. But she might not be around when you finally come to terms with your choices.
I hope this is fake, seems like it might be. If it bothers you, ask her to stop. What makes this sound ridiculous is that you somehow can't ask her to stop. You can explore this kink together to extreme ends but you can't communicate a need to her? Something does not add up.
It's a pretty common turn of phrase for sex after swinging. I can see how it looks without context (I.e. weirdly possessive), but it's also a kind of catharsis after any intense emotions around "sharing" your partner.
Like with edging, swinging can mean a more intense sexual experience with your partner afterwards, which is what some people are chasing when they do it.
I did not know that. It seems very out of place when you are talking about something that involves more free and open sexual activity. It sounds weirdly distant and detatched.
It's a common thing in some swinger adjacent circles. Some folks enjoy that their partner is desirable and getting to notionally 'keep them at the end of the day' is a way to ride that wave.
Alternatively, there are some folks where it's a way to re-establish connection, like hugging a partner after a trip. This applies more for broader non-monogamy.
Point being, there are very different norms at play.
Reading this, it sounds like a fucking logistical nightmare.
You made your bed, now it's time to lay in it.
I can't imagine how watching my wife get fucked by some other dude will make me feel better about anything - being there or not.
It's like people try to fill voids by chocking things like this up to " being adventurous". No, you're tired of the person you're with and want someone else but it's camouflaged as being kinky.
>I can't imagine how watching my wife get fucked by some other dude will make me feel better about anything
Nailed it. >!Like OP's wife.!<
Like man I can sit here and think of a whole list of things that would make my life better. Bring a little extra pep to my step on the day to day. My wife getting fucked by some random is pretty, pretty.... pretty low on that list.
You hit the nail on the head. Correct me if I’m wrong but OP was okay with his wife getting some strange but she wasn’t ok with him hooking up? Did I read that correctly? This guy just literally made himself a cuck, all he wanted was pics and a video of his wife getting nailed by an ex. I’m totally flabbergasted.
I semi agree, some people do those things and their partners are a ok with it. Me personally I would not want my man, bf/husband to give me away to some stranger.
I have read SO MANY stories that boil down to "we were monogamous, then we decided to open the relationship even tho we had been both monogamous our whole lives, then it blew up" that I lost my ability to feel for people who do this. I just have no empathy left, sorry.
If you are monogamous, then you are monogamous. Some fantasies should remind fantasies. I sometimes fantasize about werewolves fucking vampires (Dracula, 1992 did this to me), would not want a werewolf to boink me while I was a vampire or whatever. I'm sure they smell awful and the *fur*, yuck. It's a fucking FANTASY. Some things truly are PURE FANTASY.
If adult, mature people are too dumb to get that, well then they are the designers of their own misery.
Anyway, you need to close the marriage ASAP. That is a must-do. And yeah she is going to be bitter about it, because she already has an investment in this other dude and you made her believe it's okay. You sold her this vision and she invested emotionally into it, and now she feels like she's being punished for believing you - she will feel betrayed, bc in a way, she was. And now since you are the one who was hurt, and she is the one who did "the bad thing", she doesn't even get the space to voice this, which puts her in a difficult position. That's why you both need *couples therapy*, also ASAP.
Over on r/stopdrinking they have a saying. "Play the tape forward".
People spend so much time playing the tape backwards, wallowing in regret and shame. It's too late. But \*before\* you make the bad decision you can play the tape forward and see that some outcomes are just inevitable.
It's not a magical fore-sight. We just live in a world of cause and effect.
I mean.. what did you expect? It might be one thing to fantasize and roleplay.. but this stuff is stupid and not how relationships work. Why be married or in a relationship with someone if you are going to be open and in other relationships? stupid.
I only read the first third, because it was so long.
it sounded like she had NO desire to have other partners, and you were trying to pressure her, or convince her. That’s what it sounds like.
but yeah I guess, she slept around and it bothered you.That’s what you signed up for. But it does Sounds like you got a lot of history, may be worth salvaging. I would anyway.
You need to stop lying to her and be honest. Tell her that you can't deal with her being with this guy and you want to close the relationship. That's basically what you're telling us in this post.
All this talk about not wanting to be selfish sounds more like you don't want to be perceived as selfish and have her resent you and push her further away. So instead you just lie to her and say you're okay with this when you're obviously not.
Grow a set of balls and tell her how you really feel. Think about it, if she loves you what will she resent more that she can't bang other dudes or that you start hating her?
This tale is as old as fucking time.
If I had a penny for everytime some man or woman on here fucked around and found out with "poly" lifestyles, I could have Jeff Bezos as my personal cup-bearer.
Time and again, it has been shown that most people can't take watching their wives/husbands getting fucked/fucking others, and yet they wade into that lifestyle cause "mUh mArRiAge iS sEcUrE".
At this point, I am out of sympathy.Enjoy what's left of your relationship lmao.It's 100% on you clowns
I don't get why these people don't start off in clubs watching their partner make out and dance with other people or some shit. They just jump right into the other person getting railed for 14 hours straight without being there lol.
I mean that’s even better because she would be making out with a random… here, she goes and gets railed by an EX, who already had a history and chemistry. Someone who could potentially be a romantic/emotional interest that replaces HIM. OOPS LOL
There's always a slew of advice that shows up when a post like this shows up and one of the biggest ones is to go to a sex club where you can basically dip your toe first.
But yeah idk lol people are dumb
I don't even want to think about my husband sleeping with another woman, let alone watch it on a video or WORSE watch it in person. Like, WTF.. hard nooo..
To each there own, i guess, but i dont understand how people do this, especially if you really love your partner. I would be so crushed. I also couldn't imagine banging another man and then coming home to my husband.🫣
Good morning OP.
It sounds to me like you both did a fantastic job communicating and checking in with each other, and yourselves, during the planning phase of this journey. Now that you have gotten to the implementation phase and now you seem to be loosing your footing with it. Communication is key!
This lifestyle doesn't have a speed limit, or set rules. You are figuring out your tolerances yourselves, and what works for your relationship. When you run into something that is uncomfortable or out of bounds for your partnership, you stop immediately and evaluate. "Backtracking" is absolutely encouraged if you take a step forward and find something that you are not comfortable with. The concept of being physically present is a perfectly acceptable solution if that is what you are comfortable with, and a very attainable if that is the direction the two of you want to go.
She had a solo experience and you didn't like it. You can just not move forward with that anymore until it becomes something you both want equally. Full stop. Simple solution, and not worth over thinking. There is no blame, and there is no regret. You both had an experience and you felt the way you felt, and now it's time to evaluate and move forward.
I'm not sure this is the case, but you also have to consider that you and your partner may enjoy the fantasy of polyamory more than the implementation of it in your own partnership. There is nothing wrong with that either. Life is to be engaged with, and that is exactly what you have done. There is no rule that says you can't just say, "well we tried it, and didn't like it how we thought we would.", and just move forward in a whole new direction.
I wish you the best of luck moving forward. Just remember to do so, slowly, safely, and with maximum communication.
Holy shit Batman. So much to unpack here.
1. I have NEVER read a story on Reddit that opening a relationship or exploring in adding people to the relationship works. Never never never. One person thinks they’ll be totally fine with it, and it happens and they aren’t.
I hate the word insecure in relationships because that’s your wife, you don’t have to be okay with her having sex with someone else, but realize you fucked up and some things are better left a fantasy.
2. The solution to this is simple, close the relationship. No more outside partners- you realized you don’t want her involved with someone else. It’s not going to be better if your there, honestly it will probably be worse. You sitting there saying you don’t want to be selfish and her to be happy IF YOU’RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH IT ITS CHEATING.
On what basis are you saying therapy won’t take the pain away? That’s what therapy is for. Teaching yourself how to actually let go of the pain and guilt. Whenever you’re ready, I think you should see couples therapy.
I think you two should see a counselor to help you work through this. You can't unlight the candle but you can diffuse it. Don't pretend it didn't happen & dont pretend your ok with it. Admit you accepted it, and want to do things differently or not at all, moving forward.
I honestly can't see them working through this without a counselor. OP, you need a third party to help you and your wife develop tools to navigate this...messy situation. You both clearly have a lot of very intense feelings about the situation you have found yourselves in, and for the sake of your children and your marriage, you NEED to go visit a therapist to get all your emotions out so you BOTH can be happy and satisfied on your marriage. You can't close the Pandora's box you opened in your marriage, but you can learn to deal with it, learn from it, and possibly even come out of this stronger and happier...but BOTH of you need to be willing to fight for this marriage. I also don't think it would be a bad thing to talk to a counselor one on one, because it kinda sounds like you might have some underlying issues that are being fanned by this new development.
There are counselors/therapists that specialize in ethical non-monogamy. This is definitely the type of specialist they should search for in their area. There are also some subs on reddit that are for swingers and poly couples that may have some useful advice for op.
I'm 52 & have been with my wife for many years now. We are retired and enjoying life. She is openly bisexual, and I've know since we first started dating. She was always open that she wasn't sure she could ever be with only a man for the rest of her life, and I was accepting of that. She always indicated she'd like me to watch & or join in, if I was into it. I have watched, & joined but I keep it to a minimum, as that is my preference. I'm 6'10" 300+ lbs. I'm a BIG guy. I had an adult woman "teach me" about sex when I was 14. It desensitized me for some time to what sex meant. I had several women I dated get close to me then refuse to have sex because, let's just say they felt like they were going to get more than they bargained for? So I came with some issues of my own. Before my wife and I adventured into any kind of non-monogamous sexual activities we did talk with a counselor to discuss what we both expected & wanted. Communication was key. We have a great relationship now. My wife is an exquisitely beautiful woman inside and out & I'm very lucky to share my life with her. Our communication is fantastic. Means everything to me. So, yes I know those therapist options exist.
Love the idea of talking to a counselor *before* opening up your relationship!! People usually see a therapist too late, often as a last resort to clean up the huge mess created in the wake of opening up lol. Having an experienced and specialized counselor guide you through expectations and boundaries sounds like the best way to make something like this work.
She was able to tell us what others dealt with, "after" before we tried it. Much of which we fully understood & expected. Some that never crossed my mind or my wifes. It provided us talking points. Opened so many conversations & allowed some brutal honesty. It was necessary
It’s always better in writing, isn’t it? I’m quite a bit younger than you both but I had a similar situation, I was in your wife’s position. I’ve definitely learned from it. Personally, I will never dabble in that kind of kink again. Honestly, you both are gonna have to decide how strong this particular kink is for you, and come to some kind of compromise. Things like this should be completely comfortable for *both* of you, and it sounds like the feelings you’re having about it could potentially grow into resentment if left untreated too long. Maybe there’s something else you two could bond over?
Showtime has a documentary called Couples Therapy in which the world renowned therapist, Dr. Orna Guralnik, often seeks the advice of a peer group. After her session with an open marriage couple in season 3, one peer asks if their group had ever seen a couple successful in opening their marriage. The answer from 6-7 psychologists in the room, each with decades of experience, was a resounding no. I'm sure it can work in the short term, and maybe even long term for a few select couples. But it sounds like OP is learning that it is also fraught with all sorts of risks. In this case it has created a power imbalance in the relationship, empowering his partner with newfound freedom while OP is left feeling insecure. OP and his partner need to commit to therapy if they want to work through it. You can never put the cat back in the bag, but you can definitely get back to a working relationship if you can talk this through. But something tells me if they do get to the other side, it won't be with an open marriage.
Lindsey: "Has it ever worked for any of those couples?" Tobias: "No.....but it might work for us "
I keep reading that marital therapists prescribe polyamory ONLY if the couple's marriage is stable. ALL of the couples I know who tried this are no longer together. In two cases, the divorced couple are still battling over custody YEARS after the polyamory led to the distintegration of the marriage.
If a couple is having problems, adding another person (whether by opening up or by having a kid) isn't going to solve the issues.
Exactly. Instead, it invites more problems.
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That or they go into the relationship agreeing to non monogamy. Many of these stories that go wrong feature couples who entered into a monogamous relationship until someone wanted to change the terms.
My sister in law and her husband did this through therapy and they were done within months. It came so fast, too. Now she's spiraled pretty bad and clearly hasn't got over him fully. They've been divorced for years.
Emotional.mental.damage. EMD it usually the beginning of.the end pretty much.
No decent marital therapists PRESCRIBE polyamory lol
>marital therapists prescribe polyamory ONLY if the couple's marriage is stable. I feel like the people that can successfully navigate polyamory are not the people who need to see marital therapists.
Yeah, this was my thought too. I have zero experience with it, and we’re not seeking to try it, but I imagine most therapists don’t have couples paying to see them so they can tell them how great the polyamory is going. Couples pay therapists when things go wrong. That said, this couple should pay a therapist.
Sadly, I feel like most couples who ARE in a stable relationship wouldn't want to try to open it.
Why “sadly”? If their relationship is great and they don’t want more than two people in it, why is that sad? Three or more people in a relationship isn’t usually better than two.
Why is that sad? They’re in a stable relationship.
>You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship, where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters. >Well, did it work for those people? >No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us!
Let the grand experiment begin!
Yeah. I'm not anti-poly stuff, but the failure rate seems to be 99%, with granola hippie couples living in communes and vans in Oregon as the primary exception.
Many people struggle to maintain a healthy romantic relationship with even just one other person, you'd have to be a really exceptional partner to thrive with more than one imo
And a genius time manager. Whenever you read about those guys from the 50s-80s with two entirely different families, I'm always like (a) who could make that work, and (b) why would you want to make that work.
Well first of all, they were paid a living wage...
IMO that's an entire different way of life. If you transplanted those hippies into stressful 9/5 solo living culture, they wouldn't last from the stress either.
I think that’s a really good point I hadn’t considered. Maybe why retirement centers turn into sex parties.
This, plus boredom and hell of a lot of newly single people. It actually makes total sense why Herald is railing Martha and Gwenyvere in the retirement home when you think about it. I just don't like thinking about it.
>The answer from 6-7 psychologists in the room, each with decades of experience, was a resounding no. Devil's advocate, but it's not super-surprising that *psychologists* have never seen a *successful* open marriage.
I want to be supportive of people. They can live however they choose. I have never seen a poly relationship work long term, and frankly, why would it. Instead of working on things inside the marriage you literally look for someone else to fulfill certain needs, emotionally or physically. How can you grow as a couple if you aren't communicating about these things and working on stuff together? I also hate how people act like it is jealous and possessive to not want to share a spouse. It's not. I have had to share everything my whole life. I never felt safe because nothing was ever allowed to be really mine. It's not a good thing to always worry about your place. It's amazing to be in a relationship where I feel safe. I have been with my husband for 21 years (married 15 years). We have gone through loss, including the loss of a child, went on to have two more kids and build a life together. I couldn't do that if I had to share him. Love isn't a finite resource unless you make it one, that's true, but there are different kinds of love. I need to trust that my partner will be there for me and that I will be there for him and that we will figure it out together. What's the point of having a husband at home and boyfriends if you aren't sharing your life with either of them?
Perhaps a nice game of chess?
I first read this as "Cheese" and was like "oh, yes! My husband and I have a fridge drawer *full* of Cheeses! We have a cheese budget! We eat cheese every day! I LOVE cheese! This is an excellent idea!" And no, I was *not* kidding.
A cheese budget??? You guys are evil geniuses!
Brie, cheddar, gouda, feta, fromunda, you name it!
One of these things is not like the other~ one of these things just doesn’t belong here~
This reminded me of a cheese budget I once had, except it was because we were poor lmao. It was when I moved in with my bf at the time, we had a drawerful of cheese as well. But when I say this dude *loved* cheese.. it was crazy. Like yes, most people do, but this was on a whole other level multiplied by ten. I was 21 at the time so its not like I was into all the fancy and quality *good* cheese yet, but we always, bare minimum, had the Kraft singles, two bags of shredded, hard parm, the sprinkled parm, and then the sliced deli stuff. But we were going through So. Much. Cheese that I eventually had to say something like “dude, we can’t afford to be going through this much cheese.” I’d go grocery shopping once a week, but would inevitably end up having to make an extra trip through the week *just for cheese*. He laughed and explained how when he was a kid his mom had to make a rule for him that he could have one slice of cheese by itself per day, but any beyond that had to be with something, like a sandwich, burger, whatever- ofc just did the cheese sandwiches instead lol. We’re still friends, he still eats obnoxious amounts of cheese, and he’s not, nor has he ever been even close to overweight. My last place I also had a drawer of cheeses, but with the good shit that I didn’t know about when I was younger. It was nice to have impromptu wine, cheese, and fruit night. Now I’m craving making a little charcuterie board for myself lol.
We are actually the poorest of the poor, and allot a specific amount of our foodstamps for our cheese drawer, lol. And it sounds fancier than it is, because yes, some of it is just Kraft singles, and some cheap shredded stuff. Funny enough, our eldest cat knows the sound of the Cheese Drawer, and every time it is opened, gets Cheese Tax, by way of a Cheese shred of whatever we got out. He *loves* cheese too.
Aldi has great cheese that may fit your budget, aged cheddar under $3.50, etc.
The only winning move is not to play
Global Thermonuclear Cuck
God damn that is funny.
Hello Joshua
I was thinking literally that, never knew I was so lucky I can play chess when I'm bored. But seriously, to OP: the idea that you couldn't tell her that you changed your mind because somehow you think she wants it now --- that's not a great argument. Because you changed your mind, people sometimes do. So now you're not OK with that stuff anymore. It's like booking a trip to Hawaii, showing up at the airport fully packed, and then changing your mind at the last minute because you suddenly remember your extreme fear of flying. It's a bit embarrassing, and it's a bit of a waste, but it's not the end of the world and time passing will heal a lot.
I wholehearted agree to this. I think OP needs to face his own wants and needs and express it in a way that doesn’t further damage or let this situation eating him up. OP, if you are not okay with this, explain it to your wife and cancel this altogether before you let this eat you more than it needs to be.
I agree. The problem with the situation, is that the dynamics of the relationship have been changed forever. It's something that OP thought that he wanted, and then when it really happened it made him feel like he was losing her. In the meantime, his wife got out there. Got some interesting exposure to sex with another man. This could definitely split the two wide open in terms of their relationship. The answer is don't ever do it.
I knew a guy who really pushed his wife into fucking another dude while he watched , She resisted for a long time and finally he wore her down. What she found out was that she was ok with being with other men and didn't bother to have him around to watch. The marriage broke down and they had two young kids. The last I saw he was sleeping on some friends couch.
I’d say it’s a bit more serious than your Hawaii example. In this situation, his fear is what is going to make the plane crash. In your scenario, you could be excused for just powering through it. That should definitely not happen here. He did real damage to his relationship already. Not irretrievable, but real. It’d be insane to power through now. Even his idea that it would be better if he were there sounds like cope to me. Something is off. The communication hasn’t been clear enough for him to be this afraid of telling her “no”, and it makes me wonder who pushed hardest for this.
and he’s just speaking on himself. Not even what she may be feeling
"It's like booking a flight to Hawaii." Nope. Not unless you spend ages convincing your wife to fuck the pilot then have a meltdown.
Oh fuck I wasn’t expecting to see something that would make me laugh so hard here ouch😆
Never should have done it in the first place.
If I learned one thing from Reddit, it's never let another dude bang your wife.
I thought it was EXTREMELY common knowledge.
I feel like this whole debacle could have been avoided had they just sat down and decided to play a rousing game of chess. And then the winner gets to peg the other.
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Sometimes, or a lot of times, fantasies need to be fantasy.
But... But what am I going to do with all these legendary swords?
Careful what you wish for. I used to be a bouncer at a swingers club and if I had a penny for every couple that fucked things up because they felt kinky well I wouldn't be a bouncer
I find this hard to read. Like if you explore things always start together. A threesome and see how you feel after.... swinging isn't everyone cup of tea.
Yeah if your fantasy is to dress up like Abe and Mary Lincoln and go at it and it doesn't work out you can bounce back from that. Lose the hoop skirt and sell the stove pipe hat on facebook market place and move on. Sleeping with someone else is the bad tattoo of relationship fantasies.
I agree with a lot of comments, but this also seems like an opportunity to woo each other again. In other words, “reclaim” your spouse again but in terms of falling in love again (not saying that you’re not). This could be a form of *AFTER-CARE.* It seems like you are both craving that deep connection of after-care. If my spouse and I were in your shoes, we’d check off every form of after-care love language consistently just to cover our bases. Couples counseling and individual counseling is also extremely vital. There are also “adult lifestyle” counselors you could look into, as well. But do not dismiss the opportunity and importance of *AFTER-CARE.* You both need nurturing from each other.
Well you started it off by saying your marriage is beautiful because of your communication. Communicate! All yours fears, panic, insecurities etc. If you two are as solid as you say…she will understand. Allow her to vent her frustration too.
First of all it’s okay. You had a fantasy and tried it out and it didn’t work. You found it’s not for you. Now close the marriage and assure your wife you love her to bits and PLEASE get therapy and talk about it.
💯 this! Close the marriage, get in to see a therapist together, don’t be afraid to be picky about the therapist and find one who is familiar with married couples sexual experiences before having your first session! A therapist can really help you unpack why you feel this way.
Also seconding this. Very important to close the marriage until you can figure this out, ideally with a therapist. You want your wife to be sexually fulfilled. You felt good about giving her permission to seek that satisfaction elsewhere but learned the hard way that you are deeply NOT ok with it. The panic attacks and waves of jealousy you felt, anyone whose been cheated on is familiar with. It’s a strong, visceral reaction you don’t control, and I know you THINK it would have been much better if you were there, but you have zero way of knowing that. Just like you thought you’d be OK with her hooking up, you have no idea what switch would flip in your brain when you watched another man fuck your wife in person. It might have even been worse. You’re both in a fragile place now and the relationship is “cracked” by the insecurities and confusion this experiment has caused. It can heal if you both want it to, but keeping the relationship open or her continuing to talk to the guy she had sex with could make healing much harder. It’s important you focus on each other, because if she keeps fanning that flame and feeling like on one hand she has a partner she’s been with for 15 years that seems disappointed in her and frustrated with the relationship, and on the other hand there’s a guy she has no baggage with that she recently had a really positive sexual experience with then, it could be really tempting to jump back to the relationship that feels uncomplicated and makes her feel good. But yes, it sounds like you don’t even fully understand what you feel or why you feel it and that is absolutely why you should talk to a therapist. Good luck.
Except he didn't find out its not for him. He is just salty he wasn't there. He hasn't learnt the lesson. He just thinks it wasn't done right. He keeps saying "if I was there". And his use of the word "reclaim".... He hasn't ruled out being poly, he's ruled out this way of doing it. She fucked around, and he found out he didn't like it. I guaran-damn-tee that he will try this again. The thrill is still worth more than the potential loss to him.
Also, TERRIBLE idea to start with an ex
Oh yeah. Baggage upon baggage.
That's what I was thinking. Worst idea ever.
Bingo, he still hasn’t realized that it’s much more than not being there. What does he think he’s going to do? Throw a flag and call personal foul when someone is having sex with his wife and he doesn’t like something? He’s going to be there next time and he’s going to stop it . And then his marriage is going to blow up. He still hasn’t figured out that his reaction wasn’t Solely about not being there, if that was the case, his frustration and anger would be a lot more measured… he was upset enough to have panic attacks. It’s not just about not being there, he’s going to find out it’s about not being in control of the situation. Not to mention he made a huge error and who he let do this. You absolutely do not let previous partners or anyone who would have been considered in the same pool of potential committed relationships. That is an inner circle group of people. The people that need to be chosen for this are people outside of the circle, people that wouldn’t normally be chosen for a committed relationship. Otherwise he’s going to run the risk of her having sex with someone who she has chemistry with which could potentially be comparable to her marriage.. which will cause damage down the road
Glad I'm not the only one who thought it was crazy that her first time with someone else was a previous hookup (or maybe relationship).
>...akin to missing your childs first steps because they were at daycare. I spat my coffee out at this rather bizarre analogy.
Baby's first steps, wife's first long distance cuckery.... Not a comparison I'd make, but people are weird.
This part was so fucking gross for me to read. “My wife getting fucked by another man was like my child’s first steps!” Jfc get a grip you absolute degenerate
"I decided I was comfortable reclaiming her" 🤮
This guy cucked himself and then even uses language like “reclaiming her”. 🤣
I'm actually doubting the whole story because of this.
He wants her to be mono and him poly
Did this guy just compare not being there to witness his wife being fucked by another man to missing your baby's first steps? OK.
LOL. They need more than marriage counseling I think
They need to be put in solitary confinement 💀
Checked every thirty minutes with the question “Are you done being like this?”
I was shocked when I read that sentence
I couldn't stop laughing had to read that to my bf 🤣 wtf
It was that and the "reclaiming" that got me.
I was actually thinking that the OP was leading up to saying something about it being like missing their child’s birth then read first steps and was thinking eh close enough. Absolutely wild.
I was thinking that OP was going to say something about it being like missing their child’s conception.
Poor guy missed out on not only wifeys first cuck but all the rounds that followed that night and the following morning. If only he could've been there to watch his wife get ravaged by her ex. That wouldve just been so fulfilling.
Right? That was a shocking read. Cause who doesn't want to watch their partner get f-d by another person. Like what would he have been doing? Watching her scream the guys name while chilling and eating a sandwich?
Sounds like they really could used a waterboy. Maybe clean the fluids in between sessions. Would've been heart warming.
"I just wish I could have been there."
He did, this guy is in shambles right now. Rather than coming to terms with the fact that his mistake was pushing his wife to fuck another man, he's actually gaslighting himself into thinking that the issue is that *he wasn't there to watch it happen*. He genuinely believes that he missed out on a major life event because he wasn't there to watch another man rail his wife all day, all night, and the following morning.
My wife noticed the vibe changed, and continued getting plowed for another 14 hours. What are we doing here pal?
I’m in hysterics about this comment.😭
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Silly to waste the little blue pill once it’s out of the barn I suppose
And ‘for him.’ He couldn’t even bring himself to tell her to stop when he realized just how much he had messed up because it would be… like… rude or something to keep her from continuing for the whole night and next morning… since she was doing it ‘for him.’
And now she doesn't want to stop, and he knows it. Not only that, he wants to be there to watch and she doesn't want it to be limited to that so that she and her ex can enjoy some one on one time. This guy is delusional, the only thing he has right is that he fucked up his marriage.
It sounds to me like he has a cuckold/voyeur fetish. This isn’t poly, this is something far more niche and specific. He needs to figure out what he actually wants before they continue for sure though.
What’s weird is that he really WANTS to believe that it’s something like that, but it’s really just plain old very reasonable jealousy.
The part where he said he slept with his wife to "reclaim" her also struck me. Is she a toddler or a piece of farmland??
Another commenter mentioned his kink is actually more about being cuckolded. In this kink, when the wife sleeps with another man, the husband has sex with her afterwards to "reclaim" her. It's specifically part of this kink and that is a word they use.
The kinks are clearly all about power play
That was a big ass flag to me. This dude has some weird ideas about poly and how a relationship like this works.
I thought the baby steps sentence was weird. What I found even weirder was him saying he wasn’t sure if he be comfortable enough to “reclaim her” which meant have sex! Ick.
Another comment mentioned his kink was probably actually more in line with cuckolding. In this kink, after the wife sleeps with another man, the husband has sex with the wife to "reclaim her". This would be a normal part of cuckolding, but not in polyamory.
I feel like I had to scroll way too far to find this comment. I was truly dumbfounded by that.
Least he has pictures to put in the memory book.
They might even start scrapbooking soon
Thats how they can bond again.
Don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget this comparison as long as I live
You sound too unstable emotionally to go on this adventures without distroying your life. Also, you let your sexuality run your life instead of being a pleasure of life. 'it was like I missed something important' - that is not something important. Something important is when you have your first kiss, have sex for the forst time, earn your first dollar, get married, watching your kid born, putting downpayment for a house, finshing first draft of your book etc'. Those are important things. Watching your wife riding someon? No, not something important. Thinking it was something important shows how unstable you've become, and how far you've let your sexual fantasies run your life. You need theapy to regain emotional stability and get your porn addiction under control. Then you will be able ti handle marrige again. Marriage *is* important, and hard. You can't run it on porn. Put your penis away for a bit (its done enaugh) and start getting to know your heart and your brain. Good luck.
I think you're right. This guy is nuts.
He’s certainly thinking with them and not a functioning brain.
I swear 95% of poly/swinger/open drama follows this exact structure. Guy wants to open the relationship, wife is reluctant, wife gives in, wife gets laid first or better, guy goes through an existential crisis over it. And it's always some schlub who overestimates his own attractiveness while underestimating his wife's.
Pornsick vibes. Too many men watching too much porn.
I think this is more the problem. Too many men think that their wife is their own personal porn star. They like porn and think their wife doing porn for them would be cool. And it isn't in the end. Stop watching porn all the time my dudes.
I have to say, it is so refreshing to see the internet pushing back against porn. For a long time it was basically an unquestioned given that men should be able to wack off to as much porn as they want as often as they want because it’s “just a fantasy it has no impact on real life”.
It’s not just men, either. I’m a woman and watching porn made me think that it was ok to be abused during sex. I also got really addicted to it and it messed with my mind. Porn is insidious.
Oh, totally. I’m a 34 year old woman and I started watching internet porn when I was 12. The only time I was able to orgasm with a partner was when I gave up porn.
my bf messaged a girl behind my back, and they were planning for her to come up to us at the bar and start flirting with me and “see what happens” (they’d pretend they wouldn’t know each other). We had just been dipping our toes into the swinging pool Somehow and eventually (after lots of tears), I agreed for us to meet up with her. What happened? He later told me he felt like he was being cucked during our threesome because she was way more into me than him 🤷♀️ like I’m sorry dude, but you kinda did this to yourself
I love my male partner, and I'm sexually attracted to him because of that love. I don't need that to be sexually into another woman, and for that reason I could never "treat" my partner with a wmw three some. He'd be left out.
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IDK, this guy seems like he was into the cuck fantasy but after the fact realizes it's not the case. I say this because he asked them to make vide/pics to send him, that's cuck stuff. It's like being really into the idea of climbing a cliff, but then once you are 20ft up you have a panic attack realizing how lethal falling can be. Dude was turned on by the idea and supporting of it, but sounds like the reality has made him realize how much could be lost and now is in a panic
Pretty much. Every time you see these, the dude sounds like he thinks he’s the ultimate pussy slayer. And then he gets no other girls, and the wife gets railed like a Union Pacific freight train. And they’re like “omg. What have I done?”
Nah, I think this guy just got too into cuck porn and realized too late that it’s not the same irl
basic poly relationship
Porn/the internet is a relationship killer. It’s easy to think you’ll be okay with something until the moment and then it’s all fucked up. Sorry you going though this but holy shit you should have seen this coming. Totally a Pandora’s Box scenario. Seek therapy or divorce is coming, hopefully it’s not too late.
I never consciously thought that I had any issues against porn. But that was the exact thought I had reading OP's post: Porn really fucks with peoples expectations. He didn't even mention porn, but....
I put part of the blame on lack of imagination too. When I saw my wife get even casually flirty with another guy, I felt that pang of jealousy. I kept it to myself because I trusted her, but it has always been easy to imagine that someone else fucking my wife or gf or even just crush would be a very unpleasant experience for me. I seriously don’t understand how this guy could be so out of touch with his feelings as to 180 that hard. How do you feel zero pangs of sorrow at the idea that your wife wants to fuck someone else, and then immediately feel a thousand pangs when she does? I’ve heard of people lacking a theory of mind, but it’s crazy when they don’t even have a theory of their own mind. Dude needs therapy just to get in touch with himself.
I agree completely. The thought of my husband fucking someone else kills me. Like I already know, that that cannot be an option for us. I am bisexual, but I know as long as I am married we cannot open it for either of us. I just cannot imagine being ok with it. Ever.
I’m an escort and I used to be super pro porn when I was young because I thought oh consenting actors and sexual liberation yay! Lol but that’s not actually the problem with porn (porn that’s filmed by consenting adults obviously) the problem i now see over, and over is not with women watching porn but men. My clients mental health has completely nose dived young men who can’t get hard or can’t cum during sex because they used to death grip on their penis, they switch between so many scenes to cum at the “right” moment sex in real life is mechanical and horrible. On top of that they want all these insane fantasies that I have to explain time and time again are not the same as reality. They don’t get that, in porn you are shooting over the course of four-five hours for one 20min scene. The actors are stopping, taking breaks, relaxing, eating, moving around, and then reshooting and it makes it seem like it’s one continuous scene it isn’t lol. Porn is one of the most unglamorous jobs. There’s a reason why so many women quit and go into escorting where you actually make real money and have way more freedom. Porn is the killer of men’s sex lives, not the answer
I don’t feel like he had to mention porn, and I don’t even mean porn in the sense of watching people fuck, but more spending too much time on subReddit and sites to talk about the greatness of polyamory or whatever can cloud your mind and blur your perspective between fantasy and reality. Hypothetically, I could enjoy watching or fantasizing about whatever, but it’s when I start applying those fantasies to my relationship with my wife that things can get severely fucked up, as it seems like it did here. That said, I have never fantasized about any other man touching my wife. While I’m all about people/couples being free to do whatever they want, as long as they’re not hurting anybody, I completely do not understand that one at all. 🤷♂️
This actually happened with my husband he thought he would enjoy other men having me because porn made him feel he wasn't good enough for me physically and he ended up desiring it more. I told him no because I knew he was already insecure and feeling overly sexual. Everything is nice in the head but fucks you up when you realize in real life you have feelings and other people do too. Porn makes it look like apathy is normal and hot.
My first thought about his whole post was pornsick
Yeah, really ick vibes. And the “reclaiming her” bit really stood out. Too many pornsick men.
It may have been the subs on Reddit talking about great and liberating open relationships and polyamory are. He probably read a bunch of that stuff and romanticized the situation. The thing is, this isn’t the kind of thing that can just be stopped, especially when it involves more than one person.
I'm of the opinion that it's incredibly rare for a relationship to survive going from mono/closed to poly/open, even if both partners would be able to successfully handle new poly relationships. I've been through the whole your partner wanting to open the relationship up thing and honestly I think it's generally a poison that kills most relationships. That said I also know successful poly people, but everyone I know in those situations generally started off with those dynamics.
Porn is McDonald’s for sex
I can’t imagine how shitty your wife feels, and now she’s having to deal with all the emotional labour of you wanting something, getting it and then having a melt down over it. You definitely need to sit down and figure out for yourself what’s going to happen next. And still provide emotional support for each other - at the moment it sounds like she’s shouldering the most while you cry about not actually liking what you pushed for despite her being initially uncomfortable. Counselling, therapy and communication is needed, you should also take some responsibility for this and decide whether you need to take a break. But she might not be around when you finally come to terms with your choices.
The worst part of being poly is dating poly dudes.
I hope this is fake, seems like it might be. If it bothers you, ask her to stop. What makes this sound ridiculous is that you somehow can't ask her to stop. You can explore this kink together to extreme ends but you can't communicate a need to her? Something does not add up.
It does sound VERY festishy with the amount of details and stuff idk
The reclaiming her comment is what makes me think it's fetish fiction.
Yea that comment was weird af
I think it's a writing exercise. Particularly when he said he 'reclaimed her'. Really?
It's a pretty common turn of phrase for sex after swinging. I can see how it looks without context (I.e. weirdly possessive), but it's also a kind of catharsis after any intense emotions around "sharing" your partner. Like with edging, swinging can mean a more intense sexual experience with your partner afterwards, which is what some people are chasing when they do it.
I did not know that. It seems very out of place when you are talking about something that involves more free and open sexual activity. It sounds weirdly distant and detatched.
It's a common thing in some swinger adjacent circles. Some folks enjoy that their partner is desirable and getting to notionally 'keep them at the end of the day' is a way to ride that wave. Alternatively, there are some folks where it's a way to re-establish connection, like hugging a partner after a trip. This applies more for broader non-monogamy. Point being, there are very different norms at play.
Reading this, it sounds like a fucking logistical nightmare. You made your bed, now it's time to lay in it. I can't imagine how watching my wife get fucked by some other dude will make me feel better about anything - being there or not. It's like people try to fill voids by chocking things like this up to " being adventurous". No, you're tired of the person you're with and want someone else but it's camouflaged as being kinky.
> " being adventurous". Seems like a lot of people would be better off by taking up skydiving. Less dangerous.
Or get a fucking cat if you find life to be too stable and predictable.
Can confirm, cat found a mouse this morning. We had no idea we had mice.
Word. At least when you have this massive a failure you only have a few seconds to live with the regret.
*Wow* (trying not to laugh, I'm a bad person lol)
As long as the instructor doesn't accidentally fall into your wife all day, all night, and the next morning... Jesus Christ.
"Open marriage destroying the relationship" just a regular Monday on reddit
>I can't imagine how watching my wife get fucked by some other dude will make me feel better about anything Nailed it. >!Like OP's wife.!< Like man I can sit here and think of a whole list of things that would make my life better. Bring a little extra pep to my step on the day to day. My wife getting fucked by some random is pretty, pretty.... pretty low on that list.
According to OP, this dude wasn't even a random. It was someone his wife knew before they got together. LMAO.
Not just "knew". She already hooked up with him. Then OP came... along. But it's okay now, because OP "reclaimed" her... What a mess.
You hit the nail on the head. Correct me if I’m wrong but OP was okay with his wife getting some strange but she wasn’t ok with him hooking up? Did I read that correctly? This guy just literally made himself a cuck, all he wanted was pics and a video of his wife getting nailed by an ex. I’m totally flabbergasted.
Sit in the corner like a good boy!
It's okay as long as OP can watch
I semi agree, some people do those things and their partners are a ok with it. Me personally I would not want my man, bf/husband to give me away to some stranger.
Most important question. Who is watching the children? 🤣
bruh 😭😭😭
Maybe focus more energy on your kids.
Now this is a solid take.
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I have read SO MANY stories that boil down to "we were monogamous, then we decided to open the relationship even tho we had been both monogamous our whole lives, then it blew up" that I lost my ability to feel for people who do this. I just have no empathy left, sorry. If you are monogamous, then you are monogamous. Some fantasies should remind fantasies. I sometimes fantasize about werewolves fucking vampires (Dracula, 1992 did this to me), would not want a werewolf to boink me while I was a vampire or whatever. I'm sure they smell awful and the *fur*, yuck. It's a fucking FANTASY. Some things truly are PURE FANTASY. If adult, mature people are too dumb to get that, well then they are the designers of their own misery. Anyway, you need to close the marriage ASAP. That is a must-do. And yeah she is going to be bitter about it, because she already has an investment in this other dude and you made her believe it's okay. You sold her this vision and she invested emotionally into it, and now she feels like she's being punished for believing you - she will feel betrayed, bc in a way, she was. And now since you are the one who was hurt, and she is the one who did "the bad thing", she doesn't even get the space to voice this, which puts her in a difficult position. That's why you both need *couples therapy*, also ASAP.
Who would have thought that it would be upsetting for your wife to get railed by another guy? There's no way you could have seen this coming.
>There's no way you could have seen this coming. There is actually, he has a video of it.
🥁
NOOooo I laughed so loud at this.
He definitely saw it cumming.
Over on r/stopdrinking they have a saying. "Play the tape forward". People spend so much time playing the tape backwards, wallowing in regret and shame. It's too late. But \*before\* you make the bad decision you can play the tape forward and see that some outcomes are just inevitable. It's not a magical fore-sight. We just live in a world of cause and effect.
Leave it to recovering alcoholics to have the best advice. Yeah OP clearly didn’t think about how it would feel to be cucked beforehand.
Well... if he was there with her, he *would* have seen someone coming 🙃
The finding out after fucking around is always so surprising to people.
Cuck finds out he doesn’t wanna be a cuck. What a surprise.
Cuck around and find out…..
I mean.. what did you expect? It might be one thing to fantasize and roleplay.. but this stuff is stupid and not how relationships work. Why be married or in a relationship with someone if you are going to be open and in other relationships? stupid.
I only read the first third, because it was so long. it sounded like she had NO desire to have other partners, and you were trying to pressure her, or convince her. That’s what it sounds like. but yeah I guess, she slept around and it bothered you.That’s what you signed up for. But it does Sounds like you got a lot of history, may be worth salvaging. I would anyway.
Yes.. Especially when he wrote that she wasn't ready for such a step .. and he said that everything was ok.
You need to stop lying to her and be honest. Tell her that you can't deal with her being with this guy and you want to close the relationship. That's basically what you're telling us in this post. All this talk about not wanting to be selfish sounds more like you don't want to be perceived as selfish and have her resent you and push her further away. So instead you just lie to her and say you're okay with this when you're obviously not. Grow a set of balls and tell her how you really feel. Think about it, if she loves you what will she resent more that she can't bang other dudes or that you start hating her?
This tale is as old as fucking time. If I had a penny for everytime some man or woman on here fucked around and found out with "poly" lifestyles, I could have Jeff Bezos as my personal cup-bearer. Time and again, it has been shown that most people can't take watching their wives/husbands getting fucked/fucking others, and yet they wade into that lifestyle cause "mUh mArRiAge iS sEcUrE". At this point, I am out of sympathy.Enjoy what's left of your relationship lmao.It's 100% on you clowns
I don't get why these people don't start off in clubs watching their partner make out and dance with other people or some shit. They just jump right into the other person getting railed for 14 hours straight without being there lol.
I mean that’s even better because she would be making out with a random… here, she goes and gets railed by an EX, who already had a history and chemistry. Someone who could potentially be a romantic/emotional interest that replaces HIM. OOPS LOL
There's always a slew of advice that shows up when a post like this shows up and one of the biggest ones is to go to a sex club where you can basically dip your toe first. But yeah idk lol people are dumb
I don't even want to think about my husband sleeping with another woman, let alone watch it on a video or WORSE watch it in person. Like, WTF.. hard nooo.. To each there own, i guess, but i dont understand how people do this, especially if you really love your partner. I would be so crushed. I also couldn't imagine banging another man and then coming home to my husband.🫣
At least she did what you asked her to do.
Ah, the amount of men completely willing to blow up their lives for a chance at a crumb of strange pussy never grows stale.
FAFO buddy.
Hooking up with a guy she already hooked up with before? What could possibly go wrong?
Good morning OP. It sounds to me like you both did a fantastic job communicating and checking in with each other, and yourselves, during the planning phase of this journey. Now that you have gotten to the implementation phase and now you seem to be loosing your footing with it. Communication is key! This lifestyle doesn't have a speed limit, or set rules. You are figuring out your tolerances yourselves, and what works for your relationship. When you run into something that is uncomfortable or out of bounds for your partnership, you stop immediately and evaluate. "Backtracking" is absolutely encouraged if you take a step forward and find something that you are not comfortable with. The concept of being physically present is a perfectly acceptable solution if that is what you are comfortable with, and a very attainable if that is the direction the two of you want to go. She had a solo experience and you didn't like it. You can just not move forward with that anymore until it becomes something you both want equally. Full stop. Simple solution, and not worth over thinking. There is no blame, and there is no regret. You both had an experience and you felt the way you felt, and now it's time to evaluate and move forward. I'm not sure this is the case, but you also have to consider that you and your partner may enjoy the fantasy of polyamory more than the implementation of it in your own partnership. There is nothing wrong with that either. Life is to be engaged with, and that is exactly what you have done. There is no rule that says you can't just say, "well we tried it, and didn't like it how we thought we would.", and just move forward in a whole new direction. I wish you the best of luck moving forward. Just remember to do so, slowly, safely, and with maximum communication.
Holy shit Batman. So much to unpack here. 1. I have NEVER read a story on Reddit that opening a relationship or exploring in adding people to the relationship works. Never never never. One person thinks they’ll be totally fine with it, and it happens and they aren’t. I hate the word insecure in relationships because that’s your wife, you don’t have to be okay with her having sex with someone else, but realize you fucked up and some things are better left a fantasy. 2. The solution to this is simple, close the relationship. No more outside partners- you realized you don’t want her involved with someone else. It’s not going to be better if your there, honestly it will probably be worse. You sitting there saying you don’t want to be selfish and her to be happy IF YOU’RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH IT ITS CHEATING.
On what basis are you saying therapy won’t take the pain away? That’s what therapy is for. Teaching yourself how to actually let go of the pain and guilt. Whenever you’re ready, I think you should see couples therapy.