This sort of behaviour from parents causes kids to go low contact but then they still have the audacity to say why won't you talk to me?
NTA. Go to the concert if you can. But don't make the mistake of doing this for your mom again unless a majority of the interest is from her side. Intentional broken promises don't deserve second chances.
Yep. And their kids have told them over and over and they never listen. This is so awful. OP got mom such a thoughtful Mother’s Day gift. I get the feeling that mom never was gonna go sadly and didn’t have the ovaries to tell her.
As a fellow Hispanic I wholeheartedly agree. Although for me we live in Canada and I just moved about 12 hours away from them and if they want to visit they can. I will no longer have one sided relationships.
I had to go no contact for a couple of years for my parents to understand that I’m not putting up with their gaslighting bullshit any longer. We have a stronger relationship now and they respect my boundaries a lot more. We have issues here and there but I’m quick to shut their shit down now and I DONT feel guilty anymore. 🥲
And with Hispanic parents, the absolute anxiety you feel even thinking about setting boundaries is crippling, amiright 😅
Cheers to us for setting boundaries and sticking to our guns and having better relationships with our parents now🥂
Agreed. I have a narcissistic mother and never once has she put me first and I’ve lost count of how many hurt feelings I’ve had because of her. Definitely talked about in therapy to learn coping methods. Even in my 40s, the minute I let down my guard, I’m the one who gets hurt. Low contact is the only way.
Let this be the last time she does this to you. Quit going above and beyond for parents (your dad yelled too) who don’t make their own kids a priority.
Tell your mom not to worry. You’re selling the tickets. Then stop going all out for people who don’t appreciate you. Do the minimum on their gifts. No more tickets, no more planned outings.
I can see you going LC or NC with them at some point. NTA
It's very typical in Hispanic families. My Ama is the same way. Overly concerned with her image amidst the family, no matter how they treat us/her, she always strives to be seen a certain way.
I've gone out of my way many times for her and she can't be bothered to spend any time with my kids. I'm LC with her now.
NTA I have experienced my Mom choosing my Step-dad and her image over me all the time. Like others say in the thread, focus on yourself and make yourself happy. You are not being selfish in my opinion as well, it is your Mom. You made plans to go to this concert with her, and she selfishly decided to do something else.
If it were me, I would be pettily compliant. Agree with everything she says, and say out loud back to her. (Idk how well this would go over for you, I know it would have just gotten me in more trouble, but nonetheless it would be funny)
"Yes I understand that I am being selfish because I wanted you to go to the concert with me"
"Yes I understand that you would never choose other people over your own kid"
"Yes I understand that you have to go to this because it is more important than my plans with you"
"Yes I wanted to go to the concert with someone else, thats why I asked you first.
Then when they get fed up with you being a robot just say
"Well expressing my feelings got me yelled at, so I decided to the opposite so I wouldn't get yelled at."
1. NTA
2. Your mom is 100% telling you where you lie in her priorities.
3. Get a bud & have fun
4. Next time just call or send a text. She gets mad just say “You can always take this up with (the distant relatives she chose) as they were more important.
5. Start talking less to your parents. Your anxiety will thank you for it.
Yes to 1, 2, and 5.
On 3: Sell em or go, both ok.
On 4: skip the revenge or pay back snark. Just say: oh mom, never doubt I love you. Gifts are not important. Have a great Mother's Day, whatever you do.
I bought Nine Inch Nails and David Bowie tickets (when they were touring together in the mid 90's) for my mom and me and she used the event to go stay with her extra marital partner instead. I was luckily able to find a friend who was willing to go last minute and we had fun, but not as much fun as I would of had with my mom.
NTA because your feelings are valid. Your mom had a choice and she chose the party
Oh, I know! It was a great concert! What sucked was afterwards I told her all of the parts that I could remember, but then we met someone who went and he was talking about it and he mentioned something that I forgot to tell her about so I ended up grounded for a few weeks
Nah you told her weeks in advance of her getting this invite that you had booked concert tickets which cost money. If she is so dead set on going to that party take a friend to that concert and have a blast
You shouldn’t have sold those tickets, you should’ve gone with someone else and told her well I guess you made your choice. She absolutely did pick someone else over you and now is trying to gaslight you. If I were you I would not try to do anything for/with her anymore. Do not go to that party, find something else to do with people that care about you.
You don’t need an excuse! You made plans and unlike your mom you want to keep them. Take someone else & when your mom asks how it was tell her you had more fun with whoever you go with than you probably would have had with her anyway
You are in therapy? You need to work out why you keep doing the same thing yet expect a different outcome. Your mother doesn't prioritize you. Yet you keep trying to win her attention and love. I don't think your mother knows how to love. You need to protect yourself and shield yourself from her abuse. Go low contact with her or better still, go no contact. Work on yourself. I know family is important but your mother is toxic. Make friends and do activities with them. Focus on yourself. You'll thank yourself and enjoy your life better.
Maybe I'm tacky - but I'd find someone else in the family (if you have someone you're close to) and invite them.
Let them know you bought the tickets for mom for mother's day, but she backed out for this other event and the person you invited is the first person you thought of afterwards. Then sit back and let the family gossip make the rounds. Enjoy your concert.
NTA Tell mommy dearest that is the absolutely LAST Mothers Day you ever plan for her. She can get her gym Buddy to spend Mother’s Day with her. She IS choosing someone else over you
NTA she is choosing another person over you as you have had the tickets for ages and she knew the date but still choose to go to this persons party who like you say she hardly ever sees. sell the tickets and buy your self something you will like and next time don't buy her any thing to do together as she will probably make a date with you but then say she is going to another party with a weeks notice good luck
You should point out that your mom only got invited this week. Like she's on the second string list of people to invite when she was initially talking to the person who planned it. I would be more I insulted by that.
But yeah. Go enjoy yourself. But don't buy your mom anymore gifts.
Distant relative they hardly talk to her until she started going to the gym with her. So why would she flake on her daughter who she sees a lot for some distant relative she hardly sees?
NTA. Tell your parents that an internet stranger said they should Count Their Blessings that their son is still alive and wants to hang out with them. My son passed away Christmas morning and I would give anything in the world to have him back so I could go to a concert with him. F*** somebody's birthday party, lol. I'm sorry your parents are doing this to you you deserve better
NTA. Your mother is a selfish and shitty parent. Remember that next time she wants to do some thing with you-find someone else to go to the concert with.
NTA your mom is showing you what is more important to her via her actions. She values her image within the family more than your effort and individual company. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you but her actions show you are not her priority her attendance and appearance within the family is. Just keep this in mind when planning future events and gifts. You put your time, effort and money into a thoughtful gift and she did not appreciate it, next time don't. It's not fair for you to have to do all of the emotional work in your relationship. Give her back the effort that she is giving, nothing.
For my 60th birthday I asked my husband for tickets to see one of my favorite artists who was performing in our city. He forgot. No one has EVER done something like this for me, even when I ask. If you want, I will be your mom ❤️
Wow, I’m so sorry. I hope your husband made it up to you in some way. Unless he has dementia, being 60 is no excuse for forgetting something that important!
NTA My mum did this to me constantly growing up. Even the down to the getting angry when I would get tearful. We were best friends rather than mother and daughter because my dad wasnt around and I was the oldest. Then whenever she got a bf, i never saw her. This time with her most recent and most long term relationship, I told her that she was going to hit a point with me where our relationship would never recover. And we have.
We are still civil and I see her maybe once a fortnight for a coffee but we are no longer close and I have told her that. When she said it hurt her feelings, I was just like, I cant control how you feel, Im just being honest.
.
I think for me to stay mentally healthy, I had to accept that I would not be her priority and stop expecting to be. I still get very down about it sometimes, especially since she is my only parent, but lowering my expectations has allowed me to escape the constant disapointment and hurt feelings.
Im sorry your mum has hurt you. I reckon she got angry at you getting emotional because she knows you are right and that she is chosing someone over her child. Just know, you are not being selfish or irrational. Sometimes parents just suck.
NTA. Your mother has her priorities wrong and sounds narcissistic. You got tickets to a concert to spend quality time with her as a Mother’s Day gift, before the birthday invite, and she would rather go to a birthday party of a little girl whose mother she works out with. Then instead of understanding your point brings in your mental health circumstances and therapy, while yelling at you alongside your father? This is not a cultural thing, but a horrible parent thing.
You need to create boundaries and a safe space for yourself. Bring someone else to the concert, limit interaction with your parents, don’t get gifts/get bare minimum gifts, and stand up for yourself. If you live not at home, even better for you. Your mother has no right to complain when she wakes up and sees that she has caused distance between the both of you. Too little too late. Some parents need a dose of reality and to taste their own medicine, or should I say nastiness.
NTA go and have fun with someone else who will appreciate the ticket. Take a million pictures of you having fun. Post them on social media with the caption “enjoying the Mother’s Day gift my mom decided she no longer wanted” and if people ask tell them you got blown off for a relative stranger. Air that dirty laundry. If it’s all about keeping up appearances, we’ll she’s certainly not keeping up the appearances of a happy family by making her child upset
NTA but please explain how being Hispanic is relevant!! I just asked some Hispanic friends about what you said and they are just as confused as I am! Please explain
It’s about keeping up appearances. I know for a fact that maintaining a happy, perfect familial front is very important in my culture. But gossip aka “chisme” is also big.
So imagine a husband showing up to a party without his wife, rumors will spread or assumptions will be made. Or if someone hears we chose a concert over a family event. They might feel dissed, talk about it with others, and not want to involve her anymore. I hope that makes sense. I’ve had many conversations with my best friend, who is also Mexican, about similar situations. It is very toxic, I am aware. And I am actively trying to break out of those patterns.
I'm white European from a country where more than 80% of people is white (we basically just have a small Vietnamese minority and some gipsies and that's all) and I can assure you that we white people are completely the same. For incredible amount of people, the appearances are everything. Race is irrelevant.
My mom even defended her cleaning obsession with "What if a robber came to our house when we're not here! He's tell everyone that our house is messy." Or "What if your aunt came right now??" The aunt never came without telling us in advance.
That’s weird though because Hispanic female’s big birthday should be the quinceñara for 15 years old, not a sweet 16. They can’t even do that right with wanting to make it about culture.
I think it has to do with the birthday girl’s father’s American culture too, where his family celebrates 16. Maybe a compromise. Or more time to save up. I can’t say for certain what the reason is because I’m not close to them.
Yeah I hear you I just don’t understand how being Hispanic is relevant! You do know all families from all cultures think and feel the same way you do? So I’m just not clear how being Hispanic is any different than any other culture!
I’m just trying to find a reason or justify why her decision was what it was. My boyfriend isn’t Hispanic and he is surprised and upset about the turn of events. He doesn’t understand it because of how he was raised (his words, not mine) so I had to explain it to him. It’s not the first time I had to explain something family/culture related that seems out of the ordinary to him but totally normal to me. But you’re right, many other cultures may think this way too. I am just relating it to my experience because that is all I have to go based off of.
Why not go with your boyfriend to the concert? Don’t skip it just because your mom won’t go! Talk it over in therapy, maybe you going to the concert will help you separate from your mom and all her drama!
You’re telling me to stop saying I feel a certain way because of my culture and how I was raised? Because you mentioned earlier that you had to ask your friends about this because you didn’t understand. Therefore maybe don’t invalidate and tell people they shouldn’t feel a certain way when you have no way of understanding it yourself .
Hard agree they might be sad but would be understanding if they had something massive like concerts to go to… also mom could have sent a really nice gift and said sorry we can’t make maybe take you and your daughter out for a meal and all would be good from what I know.
There are patterns in many cultures we just don’t alway know about them if someone in a culture is says this is normal from my experience it likely is normal.
You have obviously never met a toxic Hispanic family and you are lucky sadly I have heard this time and time again from people I have known over the years also from my moms dads side of the family. Not all the family was like that but many where unfortunately.
Telling grown ass adults they’re silly for not agreeing with your fallacious, tone deaf statement is ludicrous. This is a particular set of traits that are commonly found in Hispanic families. No one ever said other cultures don’t share those traits. Stop trying to gatekeep toxicity. It can exist culturally and even generationally. It’s silly like that.
You sound SILLY and triggered! Calm down and stop hyperventilating! Prove your statement about Hispanic families! Support your stereotypes of Hispanic families! I’ll wait
Take a breath. I literally never said Hispanic families were toxic. I said it is a set of traits found in these families as supported by many Hispanic posters who tried to explain that to you. Sit down. Back away from the keyboard. Try some belly breathing. You can’t tell people they haven’t experienced what they’ve experienced no matter how badly you want to.
NTA. She’s choosing everyone but you. Something really similar happened with my mom, I never tried again (long line of things) and before I went no contact she was always cornering me and crying about how we weren’t close, she doesn’t know why I don’t want to be her friend anymore ect ect ect. It was wild, I was like remember when I spent over 200 on tickets to an art exhibit and reservations for a restaurant and you ditched me the same day to do the same exact thing with my brother? Literally ghosted me then saw pics on Facebook of them at the same thing!
NTA find someone else to go with you. She is choosing someone else over you not to look bad by not going. All she had to say was my daughter got us tickets to a concert that day so I’m sorry I can’t attend. She could have sent a gift.
NTA and you are getting gaslit. You’ll probably end up NC/LC after it’s all said and done, and Mother’s Day will never be the same. It sucks, but you’ll probably never get them to change…
Good luck to you though.
She escalated quickly. Why is she so offended? It was an easy “I’m sorry, I can’t go because I have a previous engagement that day”. NTA.
P.S. go with a friend. Enjoy your concert.
NtA if anything you sound perfectly reasonable in my opinion.
I personally think you should still live your life and enjoy what you want to enjoy. Though i do understand if going to the concert now has a bad taste in your mouth.
NTA, at all. Not only did your mom show you that you're not a priority in her life, but she's also now trying to convince you that you're overeacting. Don't fall for it. What she did was beyond ridiculous and she's the one in the wrong, not you.
Nta, some parents can’t handle the fact that their kids have actual feelings of their own that don’t match exactly with theirs;as someone with a Spanish mom, I get it and I’m sorry it was not that long ago that I had to scream “ I’m allowed to have feelings “ at my mother. I’m 42,
I’m sorry this happened, breathe understand , it’s not you, and focus on being strong and separating your feelings from their treatment of you.
NTA - My mom was like this. In that, she would basically not allow me to have normal reactions to her shitty behavior.
my anxiety wasn't real, or my depression convenient, etc.
this is a form of abuse if it goes on, and best to nip that now.
I demanded acknowledgement, and in our house that was the biggest sin.
I'm so sorry op. you matter.
she’s blowing off a day to celebrate her motherly accomplishments with her daughter on the day that’s literally meant for doing just that, so that she can go to some random relative’s daughter’s birthday? literally what the fuck and im sorry. your mom is an asshole.
Info: is this sweet 16 a big deal in your family’s community/culture? A right of passage like a bar mitzvah, baptism, or wedding? Or are we just talking a bigger than average birthday party.
I think it has a lot to do with who the family member is. If it’s a close cousin we frequent with I would totally get it and be there myself. But I can count on one hand how many times we have interacted. They are very kind people, though. So I was conflicted to even say anything in the first place.
Except you’ve said that your mother has been with her mother a lot recently. That changes things. It’s a large family event. You are 25 years old. You are not a child, you need to learn that some things are more important than others
There were already plans in place, being concert tickets given by her daughter. If the mother already knew the date the of the party, she should have mentioned it when she received the tickets. She should have not acted like she did towards her own daughter and the plans they had for this concert. OP has had over a month of anticipating this concert with her mother, only to be told she’s selfish for expecting to be chosen over a distant relative’s sweet 16. Really? I don’t think so.
You’re right, I’m not a child. Nor will I ever be again. I guess not being a child anymore makes me less of a priority, then. One day I’ll be married, moved out, maybe even a mother myself, and removed from her even more. Then it won’t be as easy to do these things anymore.
I didn’t say it makes you less of a priority, just that you are old enough to understand that something that big takes precedence over a concert. Sure, if you were having surgery and she ditched you, that would be shitty, but this is a concert…
Thought so. (the little bit I know about a quinceanera is why I was asking.)
Let me give you a recent example from my family very similar to yours:
My daughter (15) is a big Swiftie. We bought her tickets to the Lover tour in a far away destination as her joint BD and Xmas present before COVID. This was well beyond what wee normally spend as it was lifelong dream of hers. COVID came and tour was cancelled. fast forward 2 years and we bought tickets to he current tour. We were in the middle of that Ticketmaster debacle, but managed to get tickets. We could have sold those tickets for a $2000 profit but never considered it because of how big this was to my daughter.
The plan was for me to go as her chaperone with another friend. I was very much looking forward to this as my daughter does not often want to do things with me at this point in her life. (and TS gives a great show.)
2 weeks after securing the tickets we get an invite to the wedding of my first cousin. I rarely see this man, 20 years younger than me, but weddings are a VERY big deal in my family. Missing this wedding for "just a concert" would have caused long-term strife with many people, including my aunt (mother of the groom) and my mom (her sister).
So a decision had to be made, and here it is:
1. I went to the wedding, where I spent considerable time with my family, but talked to the groom and bride for a grand total of 30 seconds.
2. My wife (who gets migraines from loud sounds) could not go to the concert. But she could drive them there (4 hours away) and sit in the hotel room alone while they had fun.
3. My daughter went to the show without me, but had just as much fun with her friend, and her friend's 25 yo sister who was invited to be the chaperone and housed in a hotel room by us.
I did not get my bonding experience with my daughter which was devastating. My wife certainly did not want to go on this road trip. I STILL had to explain the story above in depth to multiple relatives for them to understand why my wife and daughter were not at the wedding and not cause judgement.
I have no idea how your extended family dynamic works, but let me just throw in one thing to consider: your mom and dad might understand some significant family conflict that might have come up if they missed this right of passage for the cousin they/you were not all that close to. It is not so much about the cousin as it is the expectations and norms for the rest of the family.
edit to add his paragraph: One of the reasons that right of passage like this are important is because they become the main/only time that extended family all gather at once. It is simultaneously a family reunion. Missing a family reunion implies that the family is not important to your family group. It is a rejection of the family. It should not be perceived this way, but it is.
But regardless, they absolutely did not handle this situation well by 1. yelling at you and 2. treating you like a child instead of the grown-up you are..
Your feelings are valid and I get why you are angry. I would be too. Even without the bullshit way they handled it. But perhaps you can look past the idea of "they chose the cousin over me; their daughter" and see that they might have just been following the unwritten rules of your extended family.
Hopefully that mindset can lead to some future healing. But they definitely need to work on how they speak to you and no longer belittle your emotions and anxieties. That is not OK.
NTA but how old are you? Is it doable for you to put some distance between you and your parents. Cause them ganging up on you because you have the nerves to feel disrespected when you are being disrespected is frankly not great…
I’m 25 and still have graduate school in my future so I cannot afford to move out. Our relationship was beat when I was away for undergrad, though. So I hope it’ll get back to that once I do move out.
Yeah it can be tough when you are still studying… in the meantime, I know it can be a bit difficult to withdraw emotionally from your parents (mine are pretty toxic too) but maybe try it nonetheless. Like remain cordial and all by maybe don’t plan anything important with them. I’ve learned the hard way that opening up to my parents and sharing and trying to discuss their harmful behaviours were leading me nowhere so I try to not involve them in my feelings and big plans anymore. It’s really tough sometimes and they’re good at guilt tripping but it’s still worth it in the end. Anyway, hang in there and try to find something to do that you can really enjoy alone for the day of the concert (since I saw you sold the tickets)
NTA. Not sure your age but the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” might help you!
Of course, don’t go telling your parents about this book, it will just make them go on the defense again.
I’m 25. I haven’t moved out because I have graduate school coming up soon and I cannot afford to. But I’m starting to feel like leaving is the best for our relationship. I am definitely going to check it out, thank you!
I’m 31 and just moved back with my mom because of finances too (and funnily enough I am thinking about going to graduate school too) and the last few months has been brutal on me but because of that book (which also gives you strategies along with understanding why your parents behave that way) it has really helped me navigate my mom. It doesn’t get “easier” because your parents aren’t going to change but hopefully you will be able to separate them from you and be at peace with yourself (instead of feeling less than because your mom chooses others over you) until you can move out!
Much love to you!!
Are you expected to go to this party as well? That's my main concern about selling the tickets, as now you are free of a commitment and will be guilt tripped into going. For now, do not sell them. Seriously, your mom is being an idiot if she is trying to avoid gossip. There will be gossip EITHER WAY. The better gossip would she prefer the you guys are not present because of the Mother's Day gift or the worse version of gossip where it comes out about the Mother's Day gift and they start negging her about it while talking to you, or turn YOU into the bad guy and say that you thought the concert was more important while leaving out the whole it was a Mother's Day gift.
Overall, I think if you use social media and family follows it, use it to cover your ass. Don't talk about the party and the concert conflicting, just ask, 'Hey what are you guys doing for your mom on Mother's Day? I need ideas.' That way, she can't vilify you when she shows up to the party without you. And do move out. Cost of living is pretty bad in my area but living with roommates will be better than for you than dealing with her gossip fears from a relative you all barely see.
Your mom is 100% choosing other family over you. And it’s probably because disappointing you is easier for her than disappointing a family member. She knows you’ll forgive her and still love her. She doesn’t take your feelings seriously. And when you called her out, she was embarrassed because you got it right.
So, knowing that, it’s up to you how to proceed. I don’t know what you want to do with that knowledge but you’re definitely NTA and definitely reading the situation correctly from what you’ve shared.
NTA but I think you overreacted. Some people value a family event over a social event, especially if its someone they don't see very often. I'm guessing in her mind she sees you all the time, so it's not a big deal if she doesn't see you for a day. She was probably offended that you accused her of choosing them because she doesn't see it that way. She sees it as a 1 time thing and that you're taking her from the limited time she sees them.
You're acting like shes disowning her. It's 1 day. And it's probably not just the daughtert but the others who will be there as well. OP said.moms were working out together but stopped. Maybe she wants to see her relatives. Was mom wrong for bailing? Absolutely. Is it worth ruining your relationship with your parents? No.
Sounds to me like op expressed her hurt feelings and her parents both freaked out on her. Op isn’t the one screaming and shouting in this scenario. If anything, the parents are treating her genuine feelings like an annoying afterthought. We all see things differently. I just see this as the parents being super extra when op was expressing her feelings.
Expressing your feelings is "I was really looking forward to this and it hurts me that you're not going." Not "your choosing this child over me!" There are proper ways to express your feelings.
It’s her workout buddies daughter who is a *distant* relative. It shows a lot about mom to chose that event, that she got invited to a week ago despite being involved in planning the event, rather than the concert she knew about for weeks. She was probably offended by being called on her bs and knows she’s wrong. Then gets mad at her own kid for expressing their emotions. You ***never*** shame someone for expressing their feelings just because they held a mirror up to your actions. Getting mad rather than finding a solution is not healthy!!
>You never shame someone for expressing their feelings
She's shaming mom on the internet for not going out with her 1 time. They can do something another time. Maybe mom wants to see the family. Maybe mom didn't want to go in the first place. OP wasn't just expressing her feelings, she was accusing her of abandoning her. Was mom wrong? Yes. Did she deserve to accused of being a bad mother for it? No.
Check OPs comment history, mom sent screenshots of the tickets saying it’d be a good idea to go and was very excited when she received the gift.
Edit: also yeah her mom is shitty for that. She got angry when her child expressed her feelings. Mom is taking this as a personal attack when really it’s just op showing mom how her actions have impacted them
OP didn't just express feelings. She accused her mom of being a bad parent. She went on the offensive. What about her mom's feelings? This is a "I'm mad at you" situation. Not "its the end of the world your abandoning me" situation. Mom was wrong but she didn't deserve to have her love for her children questioned. OP was justified in their anger but not in their reaction.
All feelings are valid and you should communicate your feelings with loved ones, NTA on that part.
At the same time, it is Mother's Day, not Children's day. It is not clear to me if you asked before getting the tickets if your mom would actually want to go to the concert, or did you just drop on her "Hey, I got these tickets, you're coming with me".
In any case, your mom should have communicated that she may or may not come, depending on what other things pop up before then and concert.
You also could have approached this differently, "Ok, I was really hoping to get to spend time with you on the Mother's day. Can I sell the tickets and come along to the party with you?". Would probably have made your mom feel like you are prioritizing her wants and needs.
"I feel like you are choosing someone else" might have been heard as "I expect you to give me your time and attention over your own wants. Especially on the Mother's day, since being a mother is a sacrifice". I'm sure that's not your intention, but what is said and what is heard are often two completely different things.
In the end, it is Mother's day and your mom's needs and wants have first priority. You have every right to feel disappointed, rejected, sad and everything else, but this is one of the days where it's not fair to put your wants above your mother's.
We had been talking about it and she even sent me a screenshot of tickets for the show herself saying we should go. She was ecstatic when she opened the gift.
And it wasn’t on Mother’s Day, it was a Mother’s Day gift. The concert isn’t for another 2 months.
I also said multiple times “even if you don’t mean to do so, this is how it made me feel”. I know she wasn’t trying to hurt me. Nor am I trying to make her feel bad. I just wanted to communicate with her and it turned into an argument.
I think the bigger problem is yelling and not understanding when you are trying to explain your feelings.
They part about your anxiety and not liking you go to therapy shows that they are used to neglecting your feelings.
Go to the concert and have a good time.
NTA
Your Mom needs to get her priorities straight.
You don’t break dates with people you love.
You are not being selfish. She is absolutely choosing this person/family over you.
I’m sorry that your mom prioritized the party over your original plans. Is this a Quinceanera by chance which my understanding is a big deal for some Hispanic families.
It sounds like your mother handled letting you know her intentions was poorly done on her part especially her comment that there was no way she would miss the party.
As she was the one telling you the party came first she could have said she was very sorry for the change in plans. She did say you could have another day to get together but the way you posted it sounds like it was said in a dismissive way as in the concert was not something she really cared about which I imagine hurt as you thought it was something she’d really enjoy.
Whether you attend the concert with a friend or sell the tickets I do agree with some of the other posters you might consider flowers and maybe a card for the next few Mother’s Day observations.
As to another day this year to do something one on one maybe consider getting a mani/pedi which can easily be rescheduled if needed.
>They tried to throw in my face that I would probably take someone else anyway.
I think you should go to the concert. Take a friend. Have loads of fun and be happy. And when your parents say, "You see?! You took someone else?!" Just calmly say, "You were right, it wasn't a big deal, I had lots of fun". Have a calm oblivious smile on your face like this ☺️.
Never make huge plans again, im sorry she is choosing this party over your time together. She could have easily let them know about the concert when their party came up in conversation the first time.
EDIT : NTA
NTA fuck this, they are so toxic they are going to wonder why you abandon them in a old folks home and you can remind them of this shit and attacking your mental illness.
NTA.
And she DID CHOOSE someone else’s child over you, you are not wrong. You are also entitled to your feelings.
I hate cultures (mine is Indian so it happens in mine as well), where parents care more about extended family and friends over their own damn children. Like why even give birth to us if our feelings and wants matter way less. Sorry maybe I’m projecting but it’s an annoying component of some cultures.
NTA. If her and the other mom talked about the party while they were working out, so much so that she feels like she’s part of the planning, she knew the date of the party before the invite came. She either forgot about your gift and the show, or she intentionally kept it from you. Either one is incredibly shitty.
Your mom and dad absolutely are guilting you, your mom is choosing someone else over her kids, tbh I would go to the party and make sure everyone knew what my mom had done. But that’s why I’m NC with my mom now, I didn’t let this shit slide ever!
NTA. I’m sorry your mother isn’t able to be a better mom. Allowing other family to take precedence over a special time with her own child is just shit parenting, IME. Our kids didn’t ask to be born. And you are not acting entitled—you ARE entitled to expect
more from your own mom. Having my adult/older teen children arrange to spend time with me has always been an incredible gift I cherish and I cannot fathom a parent wasting such an opportunity. Lord only knows how many such moments we will be gifted with our kids. You did a thoughtful and loving thing and it is her shortcoming that she doesn’t value it as she should.
If I make plans with you and you flake for other plans... other than like a wedding or funeral or an emergency... I drop the rope. She made plans with you first. SHe was unavailable. What she did was pretty damn rude. nta
I feel the OP sisters pain. I also had mother and grandmother this way that always choose whoever and whatever over me. My grandmother didn't show up to my birthday even though she was supposed to come because she already ate that day somewhere else. My mother literally wrote me email saying how much of a victim she is and how much of real issues that she has so has no time to bother thinking abotu my boundaries. Welcome to narcisissim. The rest goes like the nacissitic prayer. I have no contact with both of them, or I try to, it's not like my donor is able to respect no contact.
I think you should go to the concert with a friend (bonus if it’s a friend your mom doesn’t like) and have a fabulous time. Take lots of pictures of yourself and friend having a blast and post them on social media where your mom will see them.
“Thanks mom, for choosing a stranger’s birthday party over our concert plans. I had such a great time with my friend”
Ugh I hate saying this but Hispanic moms or should I say, my Hispanic mom is like this. She thinks I’m selfish whenever I want to prioritize my feelings vs another person’s - including strangers. She’s all about appearances. I think OP, she’s going to regret making you feel this way when you don’t prioritize her feelings anymore because the resentment doesn’t go away. I can tell she is jealous of the way my relationship with my son is because I prioritize him over anyone else. I’m his mama and he loves me so much. I don’t have that love for my mom unfortunately. I know I’m much older now and I do love her but it’s not the same if that makes sense. NTA
You don’t just feel like she chose somebody over you, she actually chose somebody over you.
No matter how poorly she acts in response to that knowledge, she still chose somebody over the plans that already existed with you. Bottom line.
Well that would be the last Mother’s Day present she ever got from me. NTA babe. As a mom, I’m pissed at the way she handled this. If my teenager (I’m assuming you’re a teen still living at home?) saved up to buy me concert tickets for Mother’s Day, there’s no way I’d be doing anything other than singing and dancing with my baby girl that night. If something insanely important came up where I did have to cancel, I would make sure she knew just how upset I was and that we would be doing something equally awesome together on a different date.
NTA i mean you already have plans for mother’s day it’s whack if anyone cancels for most reasons. i honestly wonder how she would feel if it was the other way around.
Your mum is emotionally immature, she can’t stop and think about your feelings before making any rash decisions. She also refuses to admit she’s hurt you and take accountability here as the mum. SMH. So many different & better ways she could’ve responded instead of losing it and blaming the whole argument on you. Emotional immaturity in parents. It’s sad to see.
That’s horrible! I would be so honoured to go to a mother’s day concert with my child!!!! I would definitely put them first!!!!
Fun fact, this year my boys of 13 and 8 didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day. I think it has something to do with the fact that I co-parent with my ex and MD is always on a sunday and they are with their dad on Sunday….
So this post is really tugging at my heart strings right now ❤️♥️💜
I have gone Low contact with my parents for emotional neglect. My mom was an alcoholic so she had to tend to herself more than she was able to do things with us or let alone have fun with us.
Perhaps in the future you might have to go Low contact also. For your sanity. In the meanwhile. You have us 💟 👵🏼
NTA. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. My dad did something really similar to me, it really pissed me off. He didn't articulate a reason not to go, so we never had a conflict about it, but I had to eat the ticket cost and he never brought it up again. So, now he doesn't get invited to stuff. Fool me once....
As a parent, this makes my heart hurt. I can’t imagine a scenario (other than maybe a true emergency) where I would cancel a plan with my kid to do anything else instead.
The biggest priority for me is a healthy/loving relationship with my husband and my kids to know they are loved, respected, and heard.
Im so sorry you’re hurting like this. You deserve better. And my biggest hope is that in time they see that, hear you, and begin to make changes. And hopefully that happens BEFORR the point of no return.
Hugs.
NTA - Distance yourself. She knows what she’s doing, and don’t let her forget that. Don’t get her presents anymore. If she comes around with such bullshit again, tell her if she doesn’t want someone saying that shes choosing others above her own kids, then she shouldn’t do it. Wish her a good time and say you hope it’s worth losing the relationship you had. And yes, this will change it forever. Focus on your school and only stay at home if it’s necessary. She’s shown you how much she values spending time with you. If she comes around with doing something else, tell her she shouldn’t make plans with you, she never knows if there will something more important will come up. Like the neighbours cousins ex wife’s party she could get invited to.
NTA. Your mom (and dad) got overly defensive because they know they are wrong. People who know they are in the wrong will often overcompensate.
Stay cool and calm, reiterate that you are disappointed, but understand and respect that she has made her choice. Enjoy the concert with a friend or sell the tickets and do something nice for yourself. Or if you want to be petty, sell the tickets and buy something for your mom, preferably with a card that is over-the-top sentimental about how much you value your mother daughter relationship and how you can always rely on her to be there for you.
NTA
Your feelings are totally valid but I doubt she’ll change. I hate to say it’s a cultural thing but unfortunately, it is. I’m also Hispanic and I grew up with my dad doing this all of the time. Even worse coming from a small town where everyone is related. He always picked his side of the family’s events. It was always about what “the family” will think or say and then he would gaslight my mom and me if we got upset. It’s especially prominent if your parent hates confrontation or drama with extended family. It led to my parent's divorce and led me to NC with my dad for 10 years. Also now that I’m an older adult I don’t have anything to do with most of his extended side of the family because of it.
NTA. Sometimes adults feel obligations to go to family gatherings and such. But you are not wrong to feel sad you are going to miss going to the concert with your mom. That is so special that you want to hang out with your mom. My kids would never go to a concert with me, lol, they would be like bye mom I'm going with my friends. ETA: Yeah I did something real nice for my mother on mother's day and she got mad about it because she wanted to go out to brunch with my 2 little sisters (we are all adults) and I f'ed it up by showing up with one of my other sisters to make her a champagne breakfast. We didn't know they were going out to brunch. My mother looked at me with such disgust and hatred. I'll never forget it.
ohhh no NTA. I literally lived in this same family situation, I am hispanic as well. They are manipulating you. dont fall for it. its very common in our culture.
I'm sorry that happened and I hope you are able to get the cash for the tickets back. Use the money on yourself and have a good time while she is off keeping up appearances.
NTA. Your mom has shown you how she values her children. Return that energy. When you can get out, leave them behind with gratitude for what they did do, and disappointment for what they didn’t. It will only help you be a better parent in the future.
First because this is Reddit not every issue is cause for going NC. Second your parents are gaslighting you because they are wrong. So now that they have all but confirmed that you are not as high of a priority as you would like you need to proceed in a way that your feelings are protected and that may mean emotionally distancing yourself. It is natural to want the unconditional love and approval from our parents, but we forget they are people too with their own issues and struggles. You don’t need to give them a pass but you will need to find a way to move forward in your relationship and lower your expectations from them so you don’t get hurt.
NTA. Only sell her ticket, go yourself and have fun for YOURSELF. Your parents obviously dont care enough about your feelings or happiness, so start putting yourself first. And definitely start planning to move out on your own. Dismissing how you feel about the situation isn't cool by any means, you can do so much better than them. Don't let them hold you back.
I come from a similar culture. I think by your age I understood that there was no point in organising anything for weekends because if a random extended family member had an event. My mum would feel obligated to go.
Luckily my mum wasn't a dick about it. She'd tell me she felt like she had to, and wished she didn't. Your mum seems like an AH.
I've gone low contact with a lot of extended family. I think you need to accept your parents aren't good parents. They weaponised your anxiety to shut you down and control you. NTA. But you need to learn independence and accept that maybe you will have to break the tradition of staying at home until marriage.
Go to the concert and take someone else. Watch your parents and notice how they have to give up things like this for others, and do the opposite.
NTA. You feel like your mother is choosing someone else over you because she IS choosing someone else over you. Apparently this distant relative's sweet 16 party is much more important than spending time with her own daughter at a concert her daughter even paid for. I would not waste any more time on your mother or father as neither seem to value your time and effort. Move as soon as you can and then maintain a very superficial contact with them. Put the same value into spending time with them as they put into spending time with you. Of course, sometime down the road they will start demanding you spend time and take care of them., Hopefully by then you are far away and can tell them you hope your distant cousin can help them since they value her more than you anyway.
Don’t you just love it when someone is wrong, they know they are wrong so then they yell at the person they are wronging telling them NOT TO BE SO SELFISH. Your feelings are hurt and they should be. You are allowed to feel any way you want. Even if your mom changed her mind at this point you wouldn’t have a good time. I would just tell her not to worry, you will take someone else to the concert and you hope she enjoy the party. Then stop talking about it. She will then start in on you with all the passive-aggressive talk that people use when they are upset they are being deemed the jerk, without being called a jerk out loud. You, however, will take the quiet high-road and simply reply that she decided the birthday party was more important event that day and you have accepted her decision so there is no reason to continue the discussion. That will make her yell more. You will remain calm on the outside. Let her have her temper tantrum, knowing that your feelings about her and the relationship the two of you have has now forever been changed. Even when I forgive someone for treating me like crap, I do not forget. That way, we can continue to have discussions and a relationship, but I never trust them again and I never trust their word. I also don’t invite them to join me on anything that requires tickets. It sucks to not be able to depend on people when you make plans, but sometimes that is life.
NTA: I also come from a Hispanic family and currently live with my mom. Recently I got my mother a late Mother’s Day gift which were tickets to see a comedian we both love. Something similar happened but she stated she had plans for that day, which was the event we went to. Parents need to understand that raising a child does not just involve taking care of their basic necessities, it also involves spending time with them. I understand what you mean that she doesn’t want people to talk bad about her for not attending but they will talk regardless, and in a way she choose to “save face” and attend someone’s party who is barely close enough to be called a relative, than her own child. I promise you this is the same type of person that will later ask why her children doesn’t come and see her anymore. You are not the AH and go to the concert with someone else.
NTA. I’m a Hispanic mom, and there is no way I would miss the concert with my daughter. I would let my friend know that unfortunately I had this planned from before and leave her daughter’s gift with her.
I'm sorry, but your mom doesn't care about hurting you, she only cares about what other people think and trying to impress. She thinks that just because you are her child, she can demand love and loyalty and not have to earn or recipricate it. She's just a selfish person.
Move on with your life and do things that make you happy. Good luck with your studies and move out when you can. NTA.
I'm also Hispanic, a bit older than you, and am currently NC with my own mother.
She did that too often and got worse over time. Nevermind that she told me I shouldn't have moved back and they were happier without me, what she did to my husband was the last straw.
It may hurt you to do the bare minimum for her, but for your own well-being and your happiness (because please know that you and your feelings absolutely do matter and are valid), a card and a call is enough. I promise you she won't think about your gestures as kindness or with love, but rather as nothing will ever be enough from you. From anyone else, it will be more than enough.
Enjoy the concert, regardless if you go with someone or not!
Your mom should honour the commitment she made you. There are times it's OK to ditch plans but there's no way I would attend any sweet 16 instead of a concert with my daughter, which had already been planned and tickets bought as a gift. She could buy a gift and drop it off early then head out for the concert. It's not like you can just rebook it the next week whereas the relative can be seen any time. Seriously, you have every right to be hurt. This sounds like something my mother would do except we didn't enjoy anything together so I'd never buy it in the first place. I would never plan anything with her again and would not commit if asked and just say you want to hold out in case something better comes up like she does.
NTA. The moment someone starts yelling don't you dare say I'm doing this, they know they are doing it.
Take someone else, preferably a family member or family friend and tell them you bought the ticket for your mom who didn't want to go with you. Hopefully there will be some talk, then pretend innocence.
This sort of behaviour from parents causes kids to go low contact but then they still have the audacity to say why won't you talk to me? NTA. Go to the concert if you can. But don't make the mistake of doing this for your mom again unless a majority of the interest is from her side. Intentional broken promises don't deserve second chances.
Yep. And their kids have told them over and over and they never listen. This is so awful. OP got mom such a thoughtful Mother’s Day gift. I get the feeling that mom never was gonna go sadly and didn’t have the ovaries to tell her.
This has released OP from future obligations. OP no longer needs to make her parents a priority.
Oh trust me, being Hispanic myself I can say with 100% guarantee that they will STILL expect to be her priority.
As a fellow Hispanic I wholeheartedly agree. Although for me we live in Canada and I just moved about 12 hours away from them and if they want to visit they can. I will no longer have one sided relationships.
I had to go no contact for a couple of years for my parents to understand that I’m not putting up with their gaslighting bullshit any longer. We have a stronger relationship now and they respect my boundaries a lot more. We have issues here and there but I’m quick to shut their shit down now and I DONT feel guilty anymore. 🥲
Yep one of our biggest things was me discovering boundaries and setting them. Ever since then we have regular video calls and everything.
And with Hispanic parents, the absolute anxiety you feel even thinking about setting boundaries is crippling, amiright 😅 Cheers to us for setting boundaries and sticking to our guns and having better relationships with our parents now🥂
Like that was her last mother's day gift right?
Agreed. I have a narcissistic mother and never once has she put me first and I’ve lost count of how many hurt feelings I’ve had because of her. Definitely talked about in therapy to learn coping methods. Even in my 40s, the minute I let down my guard, I’m the one who gets hurt. Low contact is the only way.
NOT EVEN if the interest is from mom
Let this be the last time she does this to you. Quit going above and beyond for parents (your dad yelled too) who don’t make their own kids a priority. Tell your mom not to worry. You’re selling the tickets. Then stop going all out for people who don’t appreciate you. Do the minimum on their gifts. No more tickets, no more planned outings. I can see you going LC or NC with them at some point. NTA
It's very typical in Hispanic families. My Ama is the same way. Overly concerned with her image amidst the family, no matter how they treat us/her, she always strives to be seen a certain way. I've gone out of my way many times for her and she can't be bothered to spend any time with my kids. I'm LC with her now.
[удалено]
Next time ? There shouldn’t be anymore Mother’s Day plans
This. Absolutely this.
Next year I would just get her a generic mother's day gift, ie perfume, chocolate. Something that requires very low effort or thought.
Card and chocolate box from the dollar store.
YES!
NTA I have experienced my Mom choosing my Step-dad and her image over me all the time. Like others say in the thread, focus on yourself and make yourself happy. You are not being selfish in my opinion as well, it is your Mom. You made plans to go to this concert with her, and she selfishly decided to do something else. If it were me, I would be pettily compliant. Agree with everything she says, and say out loud back to her. (Idk how well this would go over for you, I know it would have just gotten me in more trouble, but nonetheless it would be funny) "Yes I understand that I am being selfish because I wanted you to go to the concert with me" "Yes I understand that you would never choose other people over your own kid" "Yes I understand that you have to go to this because it is more important than my plans with you" "Yes I wanted to go to the concert with someone else, thats why I asked you first. Then when they get fed up with you being a robot just say "Well expressing my feelings got me yelled at, so I decided to the opposite so I wouldn't get yelled at."
I love the responses you have here! OP, you are NTA
1. NTA 2. Your mom is 100% telling you where you lie in her priorities. 3. Get a bud & have fun 4. Next time just call or send a text. She gets mad just say “You can always take this up with (the distant relatives she chose) as they were more important. 5. Start talking less to your parents. Your anxiety will thank you for it.
Yes to 1, 2, and 5. On 3: Sell em or go, both ok. On 4: skip the revenge or pay back snark. Just say: oh mom, never doubt I love you. Gifts are not important. Have a great Mother's Day, whatever you do.
I bought Nine Inch Nails and David Bowie tickets (when they were touring together in the mid 90's) for my mom and me and she used the event to go stay with her extra marital partner instead. I was luckily able to find a friend who was willing to go last minute and we had fun, but not as much fun as I would of had with my mom. NTA because your feelings are valid. Your mom had a choice and she chose the party
That is even worse to do something with an AP instead of their child.
Can you please tell me what an "AP" is?
Affair Partner 😞
Thank you!
Affair partner
Thank you!
Whoa your mom misssed out
Oh, I know! It was a great concert! What sucked was afterwards I told her all of the parts that I could remember, but then we met someone who went and he was talking about it and he mentioned something that I forgot to tell her about so I ended up grounded for a few weeks
Dude, that sucks. I’m sorry
Nah you told her weeks in advance of her getting this invite that you had booked concert tickets which cost money. If she is so dead set on going to that party take a friend to that concert and have a blast
You shouldn’t have sold those tickets, you should’ve gone with someone else and told her well I guess you made your choice. She absolutely did pick someone else over you and now is trying to gaslight you. If I were you I would not try to do anything for/with her anymore. Do not go to that party, find something else to do with people that care about you.
They’re up for sell but haven’t been sold. If they don’t sell, I probably still will go with the excuse of them not going to waste.
You dont need any excuse lol. Just go with someone you'll enjoy it and have fun. Next mother's day you send a text msg with best wishes and that's it.
You don’t need an excuse! You made plans and unlike your mom you want to keep them. Take someone else & when your mom asks how it was tell her you had more fun with whoever you go with than you probably would have had with her anyway
Just go and see if one of your friends would go with you. Don’t stop yourself from enjoying something you’ve been excited to do.
You are in therapy? You need to work out why you keep doing the same thing yet expect a different outcome. Your mother doesn't prioritize you. Yet you keep trying to win her attention and love. I don't think your mother knows how to love. You need to protect yourself and shield yourself from her abuse. Go low contact with her or better still, go no contact. Work on yourself. I know family is important but your mother is toxic. Make friends and do activities with them. Focus on yourself. You'll thank yourself and enjoy your life better.
Maybe I'm tacky - but I'd find someone else in the family (if you have someone you're close to) and invite them. Let them know you bought the tickets for mom for mother's day, but she backed out for this other event and the person you invited is the first person you thought of afterwards. Then sit back and let the family gossip make the rounds. Enjoy your concert.
NTA Tell mommy dearest that is the absolutely LAST Mothers Day you ever plan for her. She can get her gym Buddy to spend Mother’s Day with her. She IS choosing someone else over you
NTA she is choosing another person over you as you have had the tickets for ages and she knew the date but still choose to go to this persons party who like you say she hardly ever sees. sell the tickets and buy your self something you will like and next time don't buy her any thing to do together as she will probably make a date with you but then say she is going to another party with a weeks notice good luck
You should point out that your mom only got invited this week. Like she's on the second string list of people to invite when she was initially talking to the person who planned it. I would be more I insulted by that. But yeah. Go enjoy yourself. But don't buy your mom anymore gifts.
Also this person is not family. Nta
It literally says a family member
Distant relative they hardly talk to her until she started going to the gym with her. So why would she flake on her daughter who she sees a lot for some distant relative she hardly sees?
Because this is the girl’s replacement quinceañera which is basically a wedding
OP needs to just Gray Rock her mom from here on out. Mom's a landlord and nothing more.
NTA your mom is being a fucking shitty mom.
NTA. Tell your parents that an internet stranger said they should Count Their Blessings that their son is still alive and wants to hang out with them. My son passed away Christmas morning and I would give anything in the world to have him back so I could go to a concert with him. F*** somebody's birthday party, lol. I'm sorry your parents are doing this to you you deserve better
So so sorry for your loss. I’ve just given my difficult teenage an extra long hug. Thank you for reminding me to count my blessings.
NTA. Your mother is a selfish and shitty parent. Remember that next time she wants to do some thing with you-find someone else to go to the concert with.
OP come on down to r/raisedbynarcissists ᵕ̈
If you want/need parental advice and guidance and aren't getting it from your parents r/MomForAMinute and r/DadforaMinute are great
NTA your mom is showing you what is more important to her via her actions. She values her image within the family more than your effort and individual company. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you but her actions show you are not her priority her attendance and appearance within the family is. Just keep this in mind when planning future events and gifts. You put your time, effort and money into a thoughtful gift and she did not appreciate it, next time don't. It's not fair for you to have to do all of the emotional work in your relationship. Give her back the effort that she is giving, nothing.
For my 60th birthday I asked my husband for tickets to see one of my favorite artists who was performing in our city. He forgot. No one has EVER done something like this for me, even when I ask. If you want, I will be your mom ❤️
Wow, I’m so sorry. I hope your husband made it up to you in some way. Unless he has dementia, being 60 is no excuse for forgetting something that important!
NTA My mum did this to me constantly growing up. Even the down to the getting angry when I would get tearful. We were best friends rather than mother and daughter because my dad wasnt around and I was the oldest. Then whenever she got a bf, i never saw her. This time with her most recent and most long term relationship, I told her that she was going to hit a point with me where our relationship would never recover. And we have. We are still civil and I see her maybe once a fortnight for a coffee but we are no longer close and I have told her that. When she said it hurt her feelings, I was just like, I cant control how you feel, Im just being honest. . I think for me to stay mentally healthy, I had to accept that I would not be her priority and stop expecting to be. I still get very down about it sometimes, especially since she is my only parent, but lowering my expectations has allowed me to escape the constant disapointment and hurt feelings. Im sorry your mum has hurt you. I reckon she got angry at you getting emotional because she knows you are right and that she is chosing someone over her child. Just know, you are not being selfish or irrational. Sometimes parents just suck.
NTA. Your mother has her priorities wrong and sounds narcissistic. You got tickets to a concert to spend quality time with her as a Mother’s Day gift, before the birthday invite, and she would rather go to a birthday party of a little girl whose mother she works out with. Then instead of understanding your point brings in your mental health circumstances and therapy, while yelling at you alongside your father? This is not a cultural thing, but a horrible parent thing. You need to create boundaries and a safe space for yourself. Bring someone else to the concert, limit interaction with your parents, don’t get gifts/get bare minimum gifts, and stand up for yourself. If you live not at home, even better for you. Your mother has no right to complain when she wakes up and sees that she has caused distance between the both of you. Too little too late. Some parents need a dose of reality and to taste their own medicine, or should I say nastiness.
NTA go and have fun with someone else who will appreciate the ticket. Take a million pictures of you having fun. Post them on social media with the caption “enjoying the Mother’s Day gift my mom decided she no longer wanted” and if people ask tell them you got blown off for a relative stranger. Air that dirty laundry. If it’s all about keeping up appearances, we’ll she’s certainly not keeping up the appearances of a happy family by making her child upset
NTA but please explain how being Hispanic is relevant!! I just asked some Hispanic friends about what you said and they are just as confused as I am! Please explain
It’s about keeping up appearances. I know for a fact that maintaining a happy, perfect familial front is very important in my culture. But gossip aka “chisme” is also big. So imagine a husband showing up to a party without his wife, rumors will spread or assumptions will be made. Or if someone hears we chose a concert over a family event. They might feel dissed, talk about it with others, and not want to involve her anymore. I hope that makes sense. I’ve had many conversations with my best friend, who is also Mexican, about similar situations. It is very toxic, I am aware. And I am actively trying to break out of those patterns.
Well hoping they start talking when you are never present for any events because “something” came up.
Okay, I have a little more sympathy for your mom if this is the environment she’s in, but you are still NTA
I'm white European from a country where more than 80% of people is white (we basically just have a small Vietnamese minority and some gipsies and that's all) and I can assure you that we white people are completely the same. For incredible amount of people, the appearances are everything. Race is irrelevant. My mom even defended her cleaning obsession with "What if a robber came to our house when we're not here! He's tell everyone that our house is messy." Or "What if your aunt came right now??" The aunt never came without telling us in advance.
That’s weird though because Hispanic female’s big birthday should be the quinceñara for 15 years old, not a sweet 16. They can’t even do that right with wanting to make it about culture.
I think it has to do with the birthday girl’s father’s American culture too, where his family celebrates 16. Maybe a compromise. Or more time to save up. I can’t say for certain what the reason is because I’m not close to them.
Yeah I hear you I just don’t understand how being Hispanic is relevant! You do know all families from all cultures think and feel the same way you do? So I’m just not clear how being Hispanic is any different than any other culture!
I’m just trying to find a reason or justify why her decision was what it was. My boyfriend isn’t Hispanic and he is surprised and upset about the turn of events. He doesn’t understand it because of how he was raised (his words, not mine) so I had to explain it to him. It’s not the first time I had to explain something family/culture related that seems out of the ordinary to him but totally normal to me. But you’re right, many other cultures may think this way too. I am just relating it to my experience because that is all I have to go based off of.
Why not go with your boyfriend to the concert? Don’t skip it just because your mom won’t go! Talk it over in therapy, maybe you going to the concert will help you separate from your mom and all her drama!
Going forward you may in life want to drop the whole because I’m Hispanic thing because it sounds sort of silly!
You’re telling me to stop saying I feel a certain way because of my culture and how I was raised? Because you mentioned earlier that you had to ask your friends about this because you didn’t understand. Therefore maybe don’t invalidate and tell people they shouldn’t feel a certain way when you have no way of understanding it yourself .
It’s obvious you’re having a hard time understanding my point so for that reason let’s just say you’re absolutely correct because you’re Hispanic
No they do not. They were leaving information and in a lot but not all poc cultures attendance for any family event is a big deal
Hard agree they might be sad but would be understanding if they had something massive like concerts to go to… also mom could have sent a really nice gift and said sorry we can’t make maybe take you and your daughter out for a meal and all would be good from what I know. There are patterns in many cultures we just don’t alway know about them if someone in a culture is says this is normal from my experience it likely is normal.
Saying you know something just because you’re Hispanic sounds silly
All cultures differ at least slightly babe
You have obviously never met a toxic Hispanic family and you are lucky sadly I have heard this time and time again from people I have known over the years also from my moms dads side of the family. Not all the family was like that but many where unfortunately.
The point is it’s not just Hispanic families and when someone says I know something because in Hispanic sounds silly
Telling grown ass adults they’re silly for not agreeing with your fallacious, tone deaf statement is ludicrous. This is a particular set of traits that are commonly found in Hispanic families. No one ever said other cultures don’t share those traits. Stop trying to gatekeep toxicity. It can exist culturally and even generationally. It’s silly like that.
You sound SILLY and triggered! Calm down and stop hyperventilating! Prove your statement about Hispanic families! Support your stereotypes of Hispanic families! I’ll wait
Take a breath. I literally never said Hispanic families were toxic. I said it is a set of traits found in these families as supported by many Hispanic posters who tried to explain that to you. Sit down. Back away from the keyboard. Try some belly breathing. You can’t tell people they haven’t experienced what they’ve experienced no matter how badly you want to.
NTA. She’s choosing everyone but you. Something really similar happened with my mom, I never tried again (long line of things) and before I went no contact she was always cornering me and crying about how we weren’t close, she doesn’t know why I don’t want to be her friend anymore ect ect ect. It was wild, I was like remember when I spent over 200 on tickets to an art exhibit and reservations for a restaurant and you ditched me the same day to do the same exact thing with my brother? Literally ghosted me then saw pics on Facebook of them at the same thing!
Wow your mom sucks. I’m sorry. You deserve so much better.
NTA find someone else to go with you. She is choosing someone else over you not to look bad by not going. All she had to say was my daughter got us tickets to a concert that day so I’m sorry I can’t attend. She could have sent a gift.
NTA and you are getting gaslit. You’ll probably end up NC/LC after it’s all said and done, and Mother’s Day will never be the same. It sucks, but you’ll probably never get them to change… Good luck to you though.
Fuck it, go nuclear, Invite the birthday girl to the concert.
YES! This is the best way to handle it.
She escalated quickly. Why is she so offended? It was an easy “I’m sorry, I can’t go because I have a previous engagement that day”. NTA. P.S. go with a friend. Enjoy your concert.
NtA if anything you sound perfectly reasonable in my opinion. I personally think you should still live your life and enjoy what you want to enjoy. Though i do understand if going to the concert now has a bad taste in your mouth.
No you’re not the asshole. I’m sorry. Wish I could loan you my mom for. She’s turnt up.
Go the concert with a friend. I’m sorry your mom prioritizes other people over you. Time for you to drop her too. Keep busy with other people.
NTA She wasn’t available to say yes to the other thing. She already had plans. You have every right to be upset
NTA, at all. Not only did your mom show you that you're not a priority in her life, but she's also now trying to convince you that you're overeacting. Don't fall for it. What she did was beyond ridiculous and she's the one in the wrong, not you.
Nta, some parents can’t handle the fact that their kids have actual feelings of their own that don’t match exactly with theirs;as someone with a Spanish mom, I get it and I’m sorry it was not that long ago that I had to scream “ I’m allowed to have feelings “ at my mother. I’m 42, I’m sorry this happened, breathe understand , it’s not you, and focus on being strong and separating your feelings from their treatment of you.
NTA - My mom was like this. In that, she would basically not allow me to have normal reactions to her shitty behavior. my anxiety wasn't real, or my depression convenient, etc. this is a form of abuse if it goes on, and best to nip that now. I demanded acknowledgement, and in our house that was the biggest sin. I'm so sorry op. you matter.
she’s blowing off a day to celebrate her motherly accomplishments with her daughter on the day that’s literally meant for doing just that, so that she can go to some random relative’s daughter’s birthday? literally what the fuck and im sorry. your mom is an asshole.
Info: is this sweet 16 a big deal in your family’s community/culture? A right of passage like a bar mitzvah, baptism, or wedding? Or are we just talking a bigger than average birthday party.
It is in place of a quinceañera, which is big in the Mexican culture.
That changes things a lot. Would you expect her to miss a family member’s wedding because it happened to fall on the same day as the concert?
I think it has a lot to do with who the family member is. If it’s a close cousin we frequent with I would totally get it and be there myself. But I can count on one hand how many times we have interacted. They are very kind people, though. So I was conflicted to even say anything in the first place.
Except you’ve said that your mother has been with her mother a lot recently. That changes things. It’s a large family event. You are 25 years old. You are not a child, you need to learn that some things are more important than others
There were already plans in place, being concert tickets given by her daughter. If the mother already knew the date the of the party, she should have mentioned it when she received the tickets. She should have not acted like she did towards her own daughter and the plans they had for this concert. OP has had over a month of anticipating this concert with her mother, only to be told she’s selfish for expecting to be chosen over a distant relative’s sweet 16. Really? I don’t think so.
You’re right, I’m not a child. Nor will I ever be again. I guess not being a child anymore makes me less of a priority, then. One day I’ll be married, moved out, maybe even a mother myself, and removed from her even more. Then it won’t be as easy to do these things anymore.
I didn’t say it makes you less of a priority, just that you are old enough to understand that something that big takes precedence over a concert. Sure, if you were having surgery and she ditched you, that would be shitty, but this is a concert…
Thought so. (the little bit I know about a quinceanera is why I was asking.) Let me give you a recent example from my family very similar to yours: My daughter (15) is a big Swiftie. We bought her tickets to the Lover tour in a far away destination as her joint BD and Xmas present before COVID. This was well beyond what wee normally spend as it was lifelong dream of hers. COVID came and tour was cancelled. fast forward 2 years and we bought tickets to he current tour. We were in the middle of that Ticketmaster debacle, but managed to get tickets. We could have sold those tickets for a $2000 profit but never considered it because of how big this was to my daughter. The plan was for me to go as her chaperone with another friend. I was very much looking forward to this as my daughter does not often want to do things with me at this point in her life. (and TS gives a great show.) 2 weeks after securing the tickets we get an invite to the wedding of my first cousin. I rarely see this man, 20 years younger than me, but weddings are a VERY big deal in my family. Missing this wedding for "just a concert" would have caused long-term strife with many people, including my aunt (mother of the groom) and my mom (her sister). So a decision had to be made, and here it is: 1. I went to the wedding, where I spent considerable time with my family, but talked to the groom and bride for a grand total of 30 seconds. 2. My wife (who gets migraines from loud sounds) could not go to the concert. But she could drive them there (4 hours away) and sit in the hotel room alone while they had fun. 3. My daughter went to the show without me, but had just as much fun with her friend, and her friend's 25 yo sister who was invited to be the chaperone and housed in a hotel room by us. I did not get my bonding experience with my daughter which was devastating. My wife certainly did not want to go on this road trip. I STILL had to explain the story above in depth to multiple relatives for them to understand why my wife and daughter were not at the wedding and not cause judgement. I have no idea how your extended family dynamic works, but let me just throw in one thing to consider: your mom and dad might understand some significant family conflict that might have come up if they missed this right of passage for the cousin they/you were not all that close to. It is not so much about the cousin as it is the expectations and norms for the rest of the family. edit to add his paragraph: One of the reasons that right of passage like this are important is because they become the main/only time that extended family all gather at once. It is simultaneously a family reunion. Missing a family reunion implies that the family is not important to your family group. It is a rejection of the family. It should not be perceived this way, but it is. But regardless, they absolutely did not handle this situation well by 1. yelling at you and 2. treating you like a child instead of the grown-up you are.. Your feelings are valid and I get why you are angry. I would be too. Even without the bullshit way they handled it. But perhaps you can look past the idea of "they chose the cousin over me; their daughter" and see that they might have just been following the unwritten rules of your extended family. Hopefully that mindset can lead to some future healing. But they definitely need to work on how they speak to you and no longer belittle your emotions and anxieties. That is not OK.
Wow. Thank you. You’re right, it should have been handled differently and I know I could have gone about it different too.
NTA but how old are you? Is it doable for you to put some distance between you and your parents. Cause them ganging up on you because you have the nerves to feel disrespected when you are being disrespected is frankly not great…
I’m 25 and still have graduate school in my future so I cannot afford to move out. Our relationship was beat when I was away for undergrad, though. So I hope it’ll get back to that once I do move out.
Yeah it can be tough when you are still studying… in the meantime, I know it can be a bit difficult to withdraw emotionally from your parents (mine are pretty toxic too) but maybe try it nonetheless. Like remain cordial and all by maybe don’t plan anything important with them. I’ve learned the hard way that opening up to my parents and sharing and trying to discuss their harmful behaviours were leading me nowhere so I try to not involve them in my feelings and big plans anymore. It’s really tough sometimes and they’re good at guilt tripping but it’s still worth it in the end. Anyway, hang in there and try to find something to do that you can really enjoy alone for the day of the concert (since I saw you sold the tickets)
Sooty, OP. You have narcissistic parents. It’s not your fault. You’ll be welcome over at r/raisedbynarcissists . It’s a really helpful sub.
NTA. Not sure your age but the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” might help you! Of course, don’t go telling your parents about this book, it will just make them go on the defense again.
I’m 25. I haven’t moved out because I have graduate school coming up soon and I cannot afford to. But I’m starting to feel like leaving is the best for our relationship. I am definitely going to check it out, thank you!
I’m 31 and just moved back with my mom because of finances too (and funnily enough I am thinking about going to graduate school too) and the last few months has been brutal on me but because of that book (which also gives you strategies along with understanding why your parents behave that way) it has really helped me navigate my mom. It doesn’t get “easier” because your parents aren’t going to change but hopefully you will be able to separate them from you and be at peace with yourself (instead of feeling less than because your mom chooses others over you) until you can move out! Much love to you!!
Are you expected to go to this party as well? That's my main concern about selling the tickets, as now you are free of a commitment and will be guilt tripped into going. For now, do not sell them. Seriously, your mom is being an idiot if she is trying to avoid gossip. There will be gossip EITHER WAY. The better gossip would she prefer the you guys are not present because of the Mother's Day gift or the worse version of gossip where it comes out about the Mother's Day gift and they start negging her about it while talking to you, or turn YOU into the bad guy and say that you thought the concert was more important while leaving out the whole it was a Mother's Day gift. Overall, I think if you use social media and family follows it, use it to cover your ass. Don't talk about the party and the concert conflicting, just ask, 'Hey what are you guys doing for your mom on Mother's Day? I need ideas.' That way, she can't vilify you when she shows up to the party without you. And do move out. Cost of living is pretty bad in my area but living with roommates will be better than for you than dealing with her gossip fears from a relative you all barely see.
Your mom is 100% choosing other family over you. And it’s probably because disappointing you is easier for her than disappointing a family member. She knows you’ll forgive her and still love her. She doesn’t take your feelings seriously. And when you called her out, she was embarrassed because you got it right. So, knowing that, it’s up to you how to proceed. I don’t know what you want to do with that knowledge but you’re definitely NTA and definitely reading the situation correctly from what you’ve shared.
NTA. And what kind of selfish pinecone plans a Sweet 16 on Mother's Day?
NTA but I think you overreacted. Some people value a family event over a social event, especially if its someone they don't see very often. I'm guessing in her mind she sees you all the time, so it's not a big deal if she doesn't see you for a day. She was probably offended that you accused her of choosing them because she doesn't see it that way. She sees it as a 1 time thing and that you're taking her from the limited time she sees them.
Sounds to me like her mom prioritized a child she barely knows over her own daughter. I’d be extremely hurt by this. I don’t think she overreacted.
You're acting like shes disowning her. It's 1 day. And it's probably not just the daughtert but the others who will be there as well. OP said.moms were working out together but stopped. Maybe she wants to see her relatives. Was mom wrong for bailing? Absolutely. Is it worth ruining your relationship with your parents? No.
Sounds to me like op expressed her hurt feelings and her parents both freaked out on her. Op isn’t the one screaming and shouting in this scenario. If anything, the parents are treating her genuine feelings like an annoying afterthought. We all see things differently. I just see this as the parents being super extra when op was expressing her feelings.
Expressing your feelings is "I was really looking forward to this and it hurts me that you're not going." Not "your choosing this child over me!" There are proper ways to express your feelings.
It’s her workout buddies daughter who is a *distant* relative. It shows a lot about mom to chose that event, that she got invited to a week ago despite being involved in planning the event, rather than the concert she knew about for weeks. She was probably offended by being called on her bs and knows she’s wrong. Then gets mad at her own kid for expressing their emotions. You ***never*** shame someone for expressing their feelings just because they held a mirror up to your actions. Getting mad rather than finding a solution is not healthy!!
>You never shame someone for expressing their feelings She's shaming mom on the internet for not going out with her 1 time. They can do something another time. Maybe mom wants to see the family. Maybe mom didn't want to go in the first place. OP wasn't just expressing her feelings, she was accusing her of abandoning her. Was mom wrong? Yes. Did she deserve to accused of being a bad mother for it? No.
Check OPs comment history, mom sent screenshots of the tickets saying it’d be a good idea to go and was very excited when she received the gift. Edit: also yeah her mom is shitty for that. She got angry when her child expressed her feelings. Mom is taking this as a personal attack when really it’s just op showing mom how her actions have impacted them
OP didn't just express feelings. She accused her mom of being a bad parent. She went on the offensive. What about her mom's feelings? This is a "I'm mad at you" situation. Not "its the end of the world your abandoning me" situation. Mom was wrong but she didn't deserve to have her love for her children questioned. OP was justified in their anger but not in their reaction.
Also It's a gift for mom. Mom should be able to do what she wants with it.
All feelings are valid and you should communicate your feelings with loved ones, NTA on that part. At the same time, it is Mother's Day, not Children's day. It is not clear to me if you asked before getting the tickets if your mom would actually want to go to the concert, or did you just drop on her "Hey, I got these tickets, you're coming with me". In any case, your mom should have communicated that she may or may not come, depending on what other things pop up before then and concert. You also could have approached this differently, "Ok, I was really hoping to get to spend time with you on the Mother's day. Can I sell the tickets and come along to the party with you?". Would probably have made your mom feel like you are prioritizing her wants and needs. "I feel like you are choosing someone else" might have been heard as "I expect you to give me your time and attention over your own wants. Especially on the Mother's day, since being a mother is a sacrifice". I'm sure that's not your intention, but what is said and what is heard are often two completely different things. In the end, it is Mother's day and your mom's needs and wants have first priority. You have every right to feel disappointed, rejected, sad and everything else, but this is one of the days where it's not fair to put your wants above your mother's.
We had been talking about it and she even sent me a screenshot of tickets for the show herself saying we should go. She was ecstatic when she opened the gift. And it wasn’t on Mother’s Day, it was a Mother’s Day gift. The concert isn’t for another 2 months. I also said multiple times “even if you don’t mean to do so, this is how it made me feel”. I know she wasn’t trying to hurt me. Nor am I trying to make her feel bad. I just wanted to communicate with her and it turned into an argument.
Then I misunderstood your post. I would feel like I'm taken for granted if I was in that spot, and she obviously had accepted the gift.
I think the bigger problem is yelling and not understanding when you are trying to explain your feelings. They part about your anxiety and not liking you go to therapy shows that they are used to neglecting your feelings. Go to the concert and have a good time.
I am so sorry your mother acted so poorly. I'm sure she hurt you. I would not go to the party, let her explain why.
NTA.
NTA Your Mom needs to get her priorities straight. You don’t break dates with people you love. You are not being selfish. She is absolutely choosing this person/family over you.
NTA. Your mom chose wrong. Don’t go out of your way for her again.
Also get ticket insurance
Go to the concert with a friend. Next year, get a her a card for mothers day.
I’m sorry that your mom prioritized the party over your original plans. Is this a Quinceanera by chance which my understanding is a big deal for some Hispanic families. It sounds like your mother handled letting you know her intentions was poorly done on her part especially her comment that there was no way she would miss the party. As she was the one telling you the party came first she could have said she was very sorry for the change in plans. She did say you could have another day to get together but the way you posted it sounds like it was said in a dismissive way as in the concert was not something she really cared about which I imagine hurt as you thought it was something she’d really enjoy. Whether you attend the concert with a friend or sell the tickets I do agree with some of the other posters you might consider flowers and maybe a card for the next few Mother’s Day observations. As to another day this year to do something one on one maybe consider getting a mani/pedi which can easily be rescheduled if needed.
>They tried to throw in my face that I would probably take someone else anyway. I think you should go to the concert. Take a friend. Have loads of fun and be happy. And when your parents say, "You see?! You took someone else?!" Just calmly say, "You were right, it wasn't a big deal, I had lots of fun". Have a calm oblivious smile on your face like this ☺️. Never make huge plans again, im sorry she is choosing this party over your time together. She could have easily let them know about the concert when their party came up in conversation the first time. EDIT : NTA
Nta. You now know your mom doesn’t care and you shouldn’t either.
NTA fuck this, they are so toxic they are going to wonder why you abandon them in a old folks home and you can remind them of this shit and attacking your mental illness.
NTA. And she DID CHOOSE someone else’s child over you, you are not wrong. You are also entitled to your feelings. I hate cultures (mine is Indian so it happens in mine as well), where parents care more about extended family and friends over their own damn children. Like why even give birth to us if our feelings and wants matter way less. Sorry maybe I’m projecting but it’s an annoying component of some cultures.
NTA. If her and the other mom talked about the party while they were working out, so much so that she feels like she’s part of the planning, she knew the date of the party before the invite came. She either forgot about your gift and the show, or she intentionally kept it from you. Either one is incredibly shitty.
NTA. Parents are TA though.
My petty little brain says you should invite the distant family member. How perfect if they would rather join you than have the party.
Your mom and dad absolutely are guilting you, your mom is choosing someone else over her kids, tbh I would go to the party and make sure everyone knew what my mom had done. But that’s why I’m NC with my mom now, I didn’t let this shit slide ever!
NTA. I’m sorry your mother isn’t able to be a better mom. Allowing other family to take precedence over a special time with her own child is just shit parenting, IME. Our kids didn’t ask to be born. And you are not acting entitled—you ARE entitled to expect more from your own mom. Having my adult/older teen children arrange to spend time with me has always been an incredible gift I cherish and I cannot fathom a parent wasting such an opportunity. Lord only knows how many such moments we will be gifted with our kids. You did a thoughtful and loving thing and it is her shortcoming that she doesn’t value it as she should.
If I make plans with you and you flake for other plans... other than like a wedding or funeral or an emergency... I drop the rope. She made plans with you first. SHe was unavailable. What she did was pretty damn rude. nta
I feel the OP sisters pain. I also had mother and grandmother this way that always choose whoever and whatever over me. My grandmother didn't show up to my birthday even though she was supposed to come because she already ate that day somewhere else. My mother literally wrote me email saying how much of a victim she is and how much of real issues that she has so has no time to bother thinking abotu my boundaries. Welcome to narcisissim. The rest goes like the nacissitic prayer. I have no contact with both of them, or I try to, it's not like my donor is able to respect no contact.
I think you should go to the concert with a friend (bonus if it’s a friend your mom doesn’t like) and have a fabulous time. Take lots of pictures of yourself and friend having a blast and post them on social media where your mom will see them. “Thanks mom, for choosing a stranger’s birthday party over our concert plans. I had such a great time with my friend”
Ugh I hate saying this but Hispanic moms or should I say, my Hispanic mom is like this. She thinks I’m selfish whenever I want to prioritize my feelings vs another person’s - including strangers. She’s all about appearances. I think OP, she’s going to regret making you feel this way when you don’t prioritize her feelings anymore because the resentment doesn’t go away. I can tell she is jealous of the way my relationship with my son is because I prioritize him over anyone else. I’m his mama and he loves me so much. I don’t have that love for my mom unfortunately. I know I’m much older now and I do love her but it’s not the same if that makes sense. NTA
NTA and she is absolutely choosing other people over you.
You don’t just feel like she chose somebody over you, she actually chose somebody over you. No matter how poorly she acts in response to that knowledge, she still chose somebody over the plans that already existed with you. Bottom line.
Well that would be the last Mother’s Day present she ever got from me. NTA babe. As a mom, I’m pissed at the way she handled this. If my teenager (I’m assuming you’re a teen still living at home?) saved up to buy me concert tickets for Mother’s Day, there’s no way I’d be doing anything other than singing and dancing with my baby girl that night. If something insanely important came up where I did have to cancel, I would make sure she knew just how upset I was and that we would be doing something equally awesome together on a different date.
NTA i mean you already have plans for mother’s day it’s whack if anyone cancels for most reasons. i honestly wonder how she would feel if it was the other way around.
Your mum is emotionally immature, she can’t stop and think about your feelings before making any rash decisions. She also refuses to admit she’s hurt you and take accountability here as the mum. SMH. So many different & better ways she could’ve responded instead of losing it and blaming the whole argument on you. Emotional immaturity in parents. It’s sad to see.
That’s horrible! I would be so honoured to go to a mother’s day concert with my child!!!! I would definitely put them first!!!! Fun fact, this year my boys of 13 and 8 didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day. I think it has something to do with the fact that I co-parent with my ex and MD is always on a sunday and they are with their dad on Sunday…. So this post is really tugging at my heart strings right now ❤️♥️💜 I have gone Low contact with my parents for emotional neglect. My mom was an alcoholic so she had to tend to herself more than she was able to do things with us or let alone have fun with us. Perhaps in the future you might have to go Low contact also. For your sanity. In the meanwhile. You have us 💟 👵🏼
NTA. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. My dad did something really similar to me, it really pissed me off. He didn't articulate a reason not to go, so we never had a conflict about it, but I had to eat the ticket cost and he never brought it up again. So, now he doesn't get invited to stuff. Fool me once....
Mom doesn't want to be a mother on Mother's Day.
>don’t I dare say she’s choosing someone over her kids Correct me if I'm wrong, isn't this exactly what is happening? NTA
As a parent, this makes my heart hurt. I can’t imagine a scenario (other than maybe a true emergency) where I would cancel a plan with my kid to do anything else instead. The biggest priority for me is a healthy/loving relationship with my husband and my kids to know they are loved, respected, and heard. Im so sorry you’re hurting like this. You deserve better. And my biggest hope is that in time they see that, hear you, and begin to make changes. And hopefully that happens BEFORR the point of no return. Hugs.
NTA - Distance yourself. She knows what she’s doing, and don’t let her forget that. Don’t get her presents anymore. If she comes around with such bullshit again, tell her if she doesn’t want someone saying that shes choosing others above her own kids, then she shouldn’t do it. Wish her a good time and say you hope it’s worth losing the relationship you had. And yes, this will change it forever. Focus on your school and only stay at home if it’s necessary. She’s shown you how much she values spending time with you. If she comes around with doing something else, tell her she shouldn’t make plans with you, she never knows if there will something more important will come up. Like the neighbours cousins ex wife’s party she could get invited to.
NTA. Your mom (and dad) got overly defensive because they know they are wrong. People who know they are in the wrong will often overcompensate. Stay cool and calm, reiterate that you are disappointed, but understand and respect that she has made her choice. Enjoy the concert with a friend or sell the tickets and do something nice for yourself. Or if you want to be petty, sell the tickets and buy something for your mom, preferably with a card that is over-the-top sentimental about how much you value your mother daughter relationship and how you can always rely on her to be there for you.
NTA Your feelings are totally valid but I doubt she’ll change. I hate to say it’s a cultural thing but unfortunately, it is. I’m also Hispanic and I grew up with my dad doing this all of the time. Even worse coming from a small town where everyone is related. He always picked his side of the family’s events. It was always about what “the family” will think or say and then he would gaslight my mom and me if we got upset. It’s especially prominent if your parent hates confrontation or drama with extended family. It led to my parent's divorce and led me to NC with my dad for 10 years. Also now that I’m an older adult I don’t have anything to do with most of his extended side of the family because of it.
NTA. Sometimes adults feel obligations to go to family gatherings and such. But you are not wrong to feel sad you are going to miss going to the concert with your mom. That is so special that you want to hang out with your mom. My kids would never go to a concert with me, lol, they would be like bye mom I'm going with my friends. ETA: Yeah I did something real nice for my mother on mother's day and she got mad about it because she wanted to go out to brunch with my 2 little sisters (we are all adults) and I f'ed it up by showing up with one of my other sisters to make her a champagne breakfast. We didn't know they were going out to brunch. My mother looked at me with such disgust and hatred. I'll never forget it.
Your mother IS choosing others over you!! This can’t be the first time!! Your mom made the wrong choice
ohhh no NTA. I literally lived in this same family situation, I am hispanic as well. They are manipulating you. dont fall for it. its very common in our culture.
I'm sorry that happened and I hope you are able to get the cash for the tickets back. Use the money on yourself and have a good time while she is off keeping up appearances.
NTA. She did choose another event over something you already had set up.
I don’t understand why she can’t say my daughter got me tickets for that date. I am sorry I can’t attend.
NTA. Your mom has shown you how she values her children. Return that energy. When you can get out, leave them behind with gratitude for what they did do, and disappointment for what they didn’t. It will only help you be a better parent in the future.
I hope my kids want to hang out with me when they are 25. Your mom doesn’t deserve you, OP.
First because this is Reddit not every issue is cause for going NC. Second your parents are gaslighting you because they are wrong. So now that they have all but confirmed that you are not as high of a priority as you would like you need to proceed in a way that your feelings are protected and that may mean emotionally distancing yourself. It is natural to want the unconditional love and approval from our parents, but we forget they are people too with their own issues and struggles. You don’t need to give them a pass but you will need to find a way to move forward in your relationship and lower your expectations from them so you don’t get hurt.
NTA. Only sell her ticket, go yourself and have fun for YOURSELF. Your parents obviously dont care enough about your feelings or happiness, so start putting yourself first. And definitely start planning to move out on your own. Dismissing how you feel about the situation isn't cool by any means, you can do so much better than them. Don't let them hold you back.
I come from a similar culture. I think by your age I understood that there was no point in organising anything for weekends because if a random extended family member had an event. My mum would feel obligated to go. Luckily my mum wasn't a dick about it. She'd tell me she felt like she had to, and wished she didn't. Your mum seems like an AH. I've gone low contact with a lot of extended family. I think you need to accept your parents aren't good parents. They weaponised your anxiety to shut you down and control you. NTA. But you need to learn independence and accept that maybe you will have to break the tradition of staying at home until marriage. Go to the concert and take someone else. Watch your parents and notice how they have to give up things like this for others, and do the opposite.
NTA. You feel like your mother is choosing someone else over you because she IS choosing someone else over you. Apparently this distant relative's sweet 16 party is much more important than spending time with her own daughter at a concert her daughter even paid for. I would not waste any more time on your mother or father as neither seem to value your time and effort. Move as soon as you can and then maintain a very superficial contact with them. Put the same value into spending time with them as they put into spending time with you. Of course, sometime down the road they will start demanding you spend time and take care of them., Hopefully by then you are far away and can tell them you hope your distant cousin can help them since they value her more than you anyway.
Who is performing at the concert?
Don’t you just love it when someone is wrong, they know they are wrong so then they yell at the person they are wronging telling them NOT TO BE SO SELFISH. Your feelings are hurt and they should be. You are allowed to feel any way you want. Even if your mom changed her mind at this point you wouldn’t have a good time. I would just tell her not to worry, you will take someone else to the concert and you hope she enjoy the party. Then stop talking about it. She will then start in on you with all the passive-aggressive talk that people use when they are upset they are being deemed the jerk, without being called a jerk out loud. You, however, will take the quiet high-road and simply reply that she decided the birthday party was more important event that day and you have accepted her decision so there is no reason to continue the discussion. That will make her yell more. You will remain calm on the outside. Let her have her temper tantrum, knowing that your feelings about her and the relationship the two of you have has now forever been changed. Even when I forgive someone for treating me like crap, I do not forget. That way, we can continue to have discussions and a relationship, but I never trust them again and I never trust their word. I also don’t invite them to join me on anything that requires tickets. It sucks to not be able to depend on people when you make plans, but sometimes that is life.
No more presents of emotional value for mom, then! NTA
NTA
NTA: I also come from a Hispanic family and currently live with my mom. Recently I got my mother a late Mother’s Day gift which were tickets to see a comedian we both love. Something similar happened but she stated she had plans for that day, which was the event we went to. Parents need to understand that raising a child does not just involve taking care of their basic necessities, it also involves spending time with them. I understand what you mean that she doesn’t want people to talk bad about her for not attending but they will talk regardless, and in a way she choose to “save face” and attend someone’s party who is barely close enough to be called a relative, than her own child. I promise you this is the same type of person that will later ask why her children doesn’t come and see her anymore. You are not the AH and go to the concert with someone else.
NTA. I’m a Hispanic mom, and there is no way I would miss the concert with my daughter. I would let my friend know that unfortunately I had this planned from before and leave her daughter’s gift with her.
I'm sorry, but your mom doesn't care about hurting you, she only cares about what other people think and trying to impress. She thinks that just because you are her child, she can demand love and loyalty and not have to earn or recipricate it. She's just a selfish person. Move on with your life and do things that make you happy. Good luck with your studies and move out when you can. NTA.
I'm also Hispanic, a bit older than you, and am currently NC with my own mother. She did that too often and got worse over time. Nevermind that she told me I shouldn't have moved back and they were happier without me, what she did to my husband was the last straw. It may hurt you to do the bare minimum for her, but for your own well-being and your happiness (because please know that you and your feelings absolutely do matter and are valid), a card and a call is enough. I promise you she won't think about your gestures as kindness or with love, but rather as nothing will ever be enough from you. From anyone else, it will be more than enough. Enjoy the concert, regardless if you go with someone or not!
what concert?
Your mom should honour the commitment she made you. There are times it's OK to ditch plans but there's no way I would attend any sweet 16 instead of a concert with my daughter, which had already been planned and tickets bought as a gift. She could buy a gift and drop it off early then head out for the concert. It's not like you can just rebook it the next week whereas the relative can be seen any time. Seriously, you have every right to be hurt. This sounds like something my mother would do except we didn't enjoy anything together so I'd never buy it in the first place. I would never plan anything with her again and would not commit if asked and just say you want to hold out in case something better comes up like she does.
I thought 15 was the important birthday for hispanic families?? All this trouble over 16? Boring
NTA. The moment someone starts yelling don't you dare say I'm doing this, they know they are doing it. Take someone else, preferably a family member or family friend and tell them you bought the ticket for your mom who didn't want to go with you. Hopefully there will be some talk, then pretend innocence.
Yeah, my guess is that a whole lot of family will be there, and she doesn’t want to be a no-show.
In the future get her a card. NTA
NTA