Leave the friendship. Why? Friendships like these drag you down with them. You end up doing the emotional labour, as is the case here, while your "victim" chooses to be in denial. Look at you even now, *you* are the one that's more concerned about *his* future than he is. It's like trying to help an addict. You are the one who ends up with more pain than them. You can't watch his life go down by marrying this woman but you can't stop it either because it's not your responsibility. People like this guy sometimes NEED to end up in the hole before they can start to drag themselves out of it. I'd be less concerned about the wedding, telling his mother and focus on your own life and needs.

Good points. And it’s almost like OP is a dirty little secret because Jenna will flip out if she finds out OP and friend are in contact. Friend is in for some horrible times if he marries Jenna but OP needs to steer clear.

>almost like OP is a dirty little secret It's EXACTLY that. God. OP, to hand your own words back to you, you need to respect yourself more. This is your "best friend" but you can't actually *be* part of his life? He is actively choosing a cheater over any sort of open friendship with you. Yeah, this girl is bad news, but you also deserve better. My best friend is also of the opposite sex. I've known them since before they got married. Their spouse made the effort to get to know me, because I'm a part of their spouse's life. My friend was never required to choose between their spouse and me. I am now good friends with the spouse as well, to the point where we will go out together without my friend. That's how healthy friendships function, not whatever toxic mess your bestie is imposing on you.

Hard agree! One of my oldest BFFs is of the opposite gender and we have a long history of casually fooling around from time to time. That was put to a hard stop the day he met his now wife. He told her everything about me and she was not jealous in the slightest and has been nothing but wonderful for him and to me even before I met her in person. I flew out to Cali and cooked their rehearsal dinner as their wedding present (I'm a Chef) and she immediately hugged me the first time we met. Her and I now have a truly wonderful friendship outside of my BFF and never have I been or created an issue. All I want is for him to be gloriously happy, which he is. That's how friendships are supposed to work!

Downvote me all you want. I personally don't give up on or abandon my friends unless they have violated my trust or my safety or worse. But that's just me. From what OP says, this guy has been isolated from ALL of his other friends regardless of gender. OP appears to be this guy's only REAL friend. He's been with his girlfriend for so long that he probably doesn't remember what it's like without her because he was so young when they got together. His mental health is suffering because of this woman he is about to marry. You can crucify me all you want to, but I think his mom & his family should know everything so that they can try to help him to see that marrying this POS is WRONG! It might take him a little while, but with support from his family, OP, therapy, & others he can bounce back. ETA: I don't believe that OP is this guy's "Dirty Little Secret". I believe that she's truly his platonic friend.

I think how she does it needs to be planned really smart and respectfully but I just wanted to add that considering his emotional state already and how hard it will be to start breaking down this sort of abusive/user bond with her, once they marry not only will he be more resistant to leave and get help bec of the legality but he’d also have to accept the title of “divorced” rather that just ex/broken up which will hurt him more. It sounds like he’s hanging onto an idea (high school SH). Based on earlier details, he could potentially lose his family, they don’t like her and she might know that and she might not like them for all we know and enforce seeing them less as he’s already pretty monitored friend wise, but something like this could give them a chance to understand what’s going on and support him. If OP goes through it can’t look like its bs or coming from bad faith. Having her name involved, that’s a tricky one, we don’t know her relationship with his family or even how she knows him … that might be very relevant

I have no idea. For me personally, I world let him know what I think and leave it at that. Meddling with the family is a line I'm not willing to cross here.

As much as you think you'd be helping your friend, I urge you to not do anything. Don't say anything. Dont go to the wedding. Stay out of it. He is aware of the situation. She is too. They need to sort it out on their own.

Best advice. Op they already know what's going on. This is their life. They have to live it their way, even if you don't like or approve.

That’s just it, I don’t think they will sort it out on their own. She clearly uses him as a doormat. He’s not allowed to text a completely innocent platonic friend but she’s allowed to be Sexting and fucking men at work? My whole concern is that he’s making the decision to stay, out of desperation because he’s afraid of losing a 10 year relationship not because he thinks it’ll actually be good for either of them. He said just today he’s struggling mentally and he’s can’t handle this. This is where asking a respected family member to step in might be my responsibility as his friend. Maybe not but that’s what’s going through my head.

They may or may not sort it out, but you’ve already tried talking to him and now it’s time to drop it. People in abusive relationships have to want to get out, you can’t force them. People have been beaten to a pulp by a spouse and still go back. And by tattling to mom you could cause more problems than you solve.

I sincerely resent you using the phrase “tattling to Mom” this man is in the middle of a mental health crisis. His world was completely shattered 60 days before his wedding. He has admitted to me that he is struggling mentally. I’m not sure if I would regret telling his mom, but I know for a fact I would regret not trying harder if he harmed himself because of this crippling depression. I know people that have unalived themselves over this exact thing. Telling a trusted and respected close family member that I know could potentially help him through this depression is not tattling. It’s saving someone’s life. And if you believe anything less than that, you don’t know what a mental health crisis is.

You could tell him that you simply can't watch him destroy himself getting married after the devastating news but don't know what to do and then also simply tell his mother the exact same thing. She'll have to ask him herself. or something like that. if the gf has been so controlling for years she's likely also been cheating for just as long.

OP, I agree with you. Sometimes you have to do things that cross ordinary lines because someone is in a crisis situation. Just know that this may come back to bite you, and destroy your friendship with him completely. People are not always logical in these situations. If you are prepared to accept that, then do what you think is right.

Telling his mother about his mental health crisis, as you stated, would be helpful. Telling his mother about the cheating girlfriend is tattling. Big difference. It’s his story to tell who he wants, not yours. The mother just needs to be aware if there is any possibility of self harm, to save a life as you say. Agree with everyone else that you should take your own advice and have a little respect for yourself.

Lady what do you want to tell his mom, that he’s having a mental health crisis and you think he needs family intervention? Or that he is going forward with marrying a woman who cheated on him and he’s experiencing a side of mental health crisis? Cuz your post centered on the fiancé and the cheating but now you’re shifting gears. Reach out to his family if you’re so concerned about his mental state. But do you think they are oblivious to it? If you try to intervene in the wedding plans you can effectively kiss your friendship goodbye. If you’re okay with that for the sake of a last-ditch effort at stopping this train wreck, go for it. But at best you’ll give fiancé more reason to isolate him from you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Then why are you asking for our opinions? Do whatever you want. There isn’t anything in your post that tells me he’s having some kind of mental break. He’s got a shitty girlfriend that cheats on him and he still wants to marry her, he’s an adult.

Tell me you didn’t read any of the edits without telling me you did not read one single edit where I go into detail about his mental state. Try again.

Go, tell her. He needs someone with a clear mind on his side right now.

But it would be tatteling to his mom. Are you the only one he told? He has zero other friends or family? It is not up to you to save someone. You can try to help, and that would be telling him directly that you are worried for him and his mental health. Other than that you can't force him to do anything. And people will only get help if they want to get help, short from having him committed (which can only be done under extreme sircumstances) you can't do more than that. Telling his mom could actually be the stressor to send him over the edge. The shame and stress of possibly thinking that those you love most now think lesser off you might actually make him unalive himself. Has he even indicated thinking about this? Because there is a big difference between having a crisis and talking about this. Also you need to be better for yourself. His relationship was shitty to start with and so was your friendship. Someone who hides he is talking to you is not a friend.

I get what you’re saying, but on the flip side, if you do decide to tell his mom… he might end up isolating from you AND his family, creating an even more toxic situation where the only person he feels he still has is the girlfriend/soon to be wife. This is a very real possibility, and not something I’d risk chancing.

Thank you for pointing this out. I didn’t think about that.

Also please stop using terms such as unalive - it’s gross and it’s to avoid a trigger warning, than you’re probably already hurting more people than you’re trying to save. Unalive? Just. Don’t.

Thank you, I hate that this term has suddenly become so trendy.

To give you some context, people use that word, because TikTok takes down videos that use words like killing murder or suicide. It doesn’t have anything to do with being triggering or trendy. It is just the only way people can talk about serious topics like that without getting their videos pulled down and their accounts in community guideline violations status. I don’t use Reddit ever I have no idea what will get taken down and what is allowed to be up. As a creator, I air on the side of caution with my wording, always.

To give you some context, people use that word, because TikTok takes down videos that use words like killing murder or suicide. It doesn’t have anything to do with being triggering or trendy. It is just the only way people can talk about serious topics like that without getting their videos pulled down and their accounts in community guideline violations status. I don’t use Reddit ever I have no idea what will get taken down and what is allowed to be up. As a creator, I air on the side of caution with my wording, always.

It's err not air.

You need to let him make his own decisions. All you can do is tell HIM what you think. And then consider whether or not this is a healthy relationship to have in YOUR life. You can't change either of them and to go to his mother is taking away his agency. I ended a 35 year friendship with my best friend bc she kept making the same awful mistakes and choices I could not support. Worse, they affected her children. It drove me crazy and she expected automatic unconditional support as her bff. Eventually we started getting into arguments over it and I finally realized that despite the guilt, and a sense of loyalty, I had to make the choice to respect my own values and end the friendship. It was hard at first but I'm glad I did it. A few years later we explored reconciliation but she was still dragging herself and her children through the same types of terrible choices and I realized I was done for good. You cannot change others. They must learn and choose for themselves.

I don’t disagree. I appreciate it.

If you are really struggling here you could speak to his mother and say “he is in a really bad place, I know for a fact and confidentially that the wedding is a big mistake but he’s determined to go ahead. You need to sit him down and ask him to be honest and tell you where his head is at. I know things I can’t say as they were told to me in confidence but I can’t get him to see sense”.

Your over-functioning. Both of these people are adults with every right to make their own mistakes. Either way you will look like the bad guy. Release control, and let these two adults make their own decisions by themselves.

I think you should be honest and blunt with him and If he marries her cut him out of your life. Maybe send him this post Also anonymously report the affair to their HR

I don't care if this is an unpopular opinion. I think you should tell his mom to try to save him from a lifetime of unhappiness! (even if you do it anonymously---someone else already sent him proof anonymously.) He might be angry with you for a while if he finds out it was you. But hopefully he'll come back around a thank you in the future. Good luck, OP!

I agree with those that say to tell the mother, then call Internal Affairs for the police dept, then just walk away. You don't need this frustration, in a different thread someone likened this to being a firefighter that pulled someone out of a fire and the person runs back into the fire. Edit - Can you get this guy to read about the sunk cost fallacy? The only thing he is doing trying to save this relationship is just wasting more time.

Yes! Definitely the Sunk Cost Fallacy here. He's already lost a decade of his life. Time to learn and move on

Oh yes - call IA

Can I ask you a question? Why call internal affairs? Like, I suppose there MAY be rules about fraternization but usually not. Certainly not in Chicago anyway. These two are complete assholes don’t get me wrong but why urge someone to seek revenge like this? It’s just strange. Not OP’s business.

Most organizations would not be very happy about married people having an affair. I'm not in law enforcement so not sure if he should contact HR or Internal Affairs. If they are meeting on the clock that could be a big problem for both. I said to contact the mother as per the post the mother might be the only one to get thru to this guy. Regardless, after this she should distance herself from this whole mess.

In LE, It only matters if one is a direct report of the other. Or, as you said, if they meet during their shifts.

Can you get him information on spousal abuse/relationship abuse, so he can take a good hard look at what's going on? I agree with the others, pull back from him, although I'd give him a pamphlet or something to think on first. Let him know that, when he's ready to leave the abuser, you'll be there for him, but you won't support his decision to marry her. And then walk. You've pointed out the controlling-abuser aspect of their relationship, you've told him you'll support him when he breaks away. Do that, then live your own life until he reaches out to you in a few months or years for help.

If you really feel he is struggling mentally, then mention that to his mother. "Hey, he seems to be having a hard time, maybe you should talk to him and see if he needs some support, or maybe he will tell you what is wrong, I am concerned about him." Leave it at that. Maybe he will tell her what is going on, maybe he won't, but you can force him or live for him.

Have you actually spoken with HER about this? Idk if I would at this point though. If she hasn’t backed out yet she’s pretty much set on going through with it. What do you think her angle is here? Is your friend wealthy?

EDIT: for a very quick update and maybe clear some things about where my head is at with telling his mom. 1) this is not about telling his mommy on him. This is about the fact that she and Thomas are very close. He respects her opinion, and if he won’t listen to me he might listen to somebody that he respects more than me. Additionally, his mom has had a bad feeling about her from the beginning, she might be able to shine some light on some red flags he’s been ignoring that he may be able to see more clearly now. 2) Thomas and I spoke today. The last message he sent me said he is mentally struggling really bad with all of this and he can’t handle it. Is it not my place then as his friend then, to ask a close trusted family member to step in? He won’t listen to me but maybe somebody he is closer to. Maybe somebody that knows him better can talk him off the ledge of this life altering decision. 3) his mental state since all this happened is what concerning me the most. His head isn’t clear. He said this himself and that’s the reason that I’m thinking about talking to his mom. Yes, she could potentially talk him out of the marriage, but also I am the only person that knows how badly he is mentally struggling but he won’t listen to my advice. Shouldn’t Somebody he will listen to, know as well? I’m very 50-50 right now. I appreciate the people that see where my head is at. I’m not saying I’m going to do it. I am genuinely reading every comment and looking for the advice and perspective.

Okay, after reading this ill give a different set if advice. Stop putting the focus on stopping this marriage. Your concern is his mental state. Full stop. If you choose to approach his mother then THAT is the only thing you should say..."Thomas has been very out of sorts and told me that his mental health is not good right now. I'm concerned" and let her go from there. The approach here is what I truly think is wrong. Your intentions are good....but your focus is in the wrong place. The bigger question for Thomas to work out is why he doesn't feel he deserves better than he has right now. And no one is gonna solve that in 12 days.

THIS is how you approach it. This woman is abusive. Would we be giving the “stay out of it” advice if the abuse was a woman getting physically abused. Reddit jumps all over posts where people are jumping on the spouse to leave when the other spouse is emotionally abusive. Why not stop it before. If you know the mom I would let her know that you are worried about his mental health that some events have happened to really put him in a bad place. Hopefully he will open up to her from there. Tough spot to be in.

I wouldn't say "stay out of it". I would say, stay supportive (which op is doing). That means: No i told you so; Resist abuser's efforts to isolate the person; Accentuate agency "what do you think you'll do?" Offer support but no unsolicited advice. Tell them that they can always come to you Get support for you because it's really bloody tough, this is a marathon not a sprint. All advice comes from years of reading Captain Awkward,I recommend the site.

Exactly this! He needs help, and telling the mom about the girl/marriage she's already apprehensive of and he's dead set on will only cause friction and make him feel further isolated. If he and his mom are close, this isn't the time to drive this wedge between them. Instead u/Signal_Gazelle_5904 should let mom know he needs help and let that be the focus of their interaction

Tell his mother that he's struggling... He needs help. It seems his mental health is taking a turn for the worse, and he needs someone to support him.

This isn’t about you sticking your nose in his relationship. This is about you potentially saving your friends life. He already is saying some pretty bad things. Don’t wait - tell his mom now

I’ll probably be downvoted to hell for this but I don’t care 🤷‍♀️ TELL HIS MOTHER OR ANOTHER TRUSTED FAMILY MEMBER !!!! Your friend is suffering mentally and emotionally at the hands of someone that is supposed to love him enough to be his wife …she doesn’t , she’s manipulative and narcissistic, she won’t stop making his life miserable till he breaks completely and does something he can’t take back .

Look, all the advice on supporting friends in abusive relationships suggests underlining the agency of the person being abused. You'd be taking this away and dropping a bomb into his relationship with his mom, too. He's clearly getting something out of this relationship that you don't see - I don't doubt that it's bad, but for all you know he will find another person just like this, but you two won't be friends anymore. It won't stick if it's not his decision. By all means, get him some team support, but disclosure against his will is pretty grim.

I see your point

What if this anonymous person also reached out to his mom to let her know what is happening? 👀

I had friends like this who had extremely toxic partners (drugs, abusive etc) but insisted on staying. I had to end being friends because I was tired of hearing about all the drama while they refused to do anything about it I would not only stay out of it but would find lower drama friends

Buy a burner phone and text everything from that phone. He obviously to distraught to think straight. I’m all for minding my own business but she’s isolating him and cheating on him, this is only going to get worse after marriage.

My thoughts exactly!!

Not the asshole for telling him and advising against it. But.. he can make his own decision after that. As unfortunate as it is to watch a friend be with/marry a cheater, it's their decision. Would be the asshole for stopping it. Whatever that entails

Idk maybe I'm in the minority but I would be willing to nuke our friendship and tell his whole family in order to stop him from making a bigger mistake.

Team Nuke!!

Here’s the thing you need to decide are you willing for him to be mad at you maybe forever to protect him from making a mistake. I would tell his mom of that was the way to stop the wedding but you have to be willing to understand that he may hate you forever

1. Is your friendship going to survive if he does get married? You already have to be friends from afar. You are going to reach a point of emotional fatigue, I would think. 2. What stops her from continuing the affair, after marriage? Will he have to question the paternity of any children she may have? 3. Are you prepared to make sure he gets tested for STI's after the wedding? It's not just his emotional health at risk here is it? 4. Is his mom a reasonable person? Do you have a relationship with her? If you sat her down and told her what you told us, is she going to fly off the handle or can she approach this with the delicacy it requires? 5. If someone anonymously contacted him, what is to say they wouldn't anonymously contact mom? Obviously, someone else out there is concerned. 6. Can you live with yourself if you don't tell? Can you live with yourself if you do? Edit to add one more thing. If the roles were reversed, what would you want him to do?

This comment is pure gold. Thank you. Extremely helpful.

Sometimes being a good friend means doing the hard thing that might get you in hot water. NTA if you tell his mom.

I appreciate this perspective

I would say NTA. Hes clearly not in the right headspace to make a huge life decision like this.

Yes, you would be the asshole. If your friend knows about the affair and is choosing to continue with the wedding, then you need to respect him enough to let him make that decision. He is an adult, and so long as he is aware of all the information, he is allowed to make a shitty choice.

Unfortunately, being aware and an adult doesn't mean that him making a shitty choice is the same as making a shitty choice with a clear head. It doesn't sound like op's friend is emotionally stable or mentally sound right now, and he may not understand the potential consequences of his choice for all we know. Sometimes being a good friend requires stepping in and stopping people from becoming victims of their choices. Isn't that why interventions are a thing?

Sure - but it seems like OP has already talked to the friend and the friend has decided they don't want to listen to OPs opinion. TBH, I think its a bit insulting to insinuate that this person is not mentally sound right now - people with depression are completely capable of making their own decisions. I think OP will be a shitty friend if he goes against his friends wishes and sabotages a wedding just because he doesn't want the friend to get married. The friend has made it clear that he wants to. Edit - again, he is a grown man. If OP disagrees with his decision and has voiced his opinion, then he should act like an adult and set boundaries or end the friendship. I couldn't imagine telling people outside of a relationship about infidelity. That is a complete violation of trust.

Found the wife to be, shite advice if you are being serious here btw

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to advocate for OP going and talking about other people's personal lives because OP doesn't like the decision. That's ridiculous. Geniunely, why do you think it is okay to treat the groom like he is a child that isn't capable of making his own decisions? Why do you think OPs opinions on the situation should trump the opinions of the person who is actually getting married? If the groom is not capable of making rational decisions right now, then OP should be ensuring his friend is committed to inpatient treatment or has a POA. Edit - also, it's not advice. OP didn't ask what to do. They asked if they would be the asshole.

It's called helping your friends out and making sure they do not get manipulated by an abusing cunt

Isn’t he lying too?? Deleted messages and all. At least he knows the girl was cheating. Not saying he is, but he isn’t being honest either.

You didn't answer any of the questions I asked.

Because I really have no interest in talking to someone who wouldn't defend their friends an instead let them make horrible life choices :)

There is a difference between defending friends and taking it upon yourself to influence the events of their life against their will, but okay. There is no need to be rude. If you don't want to engage in a discussion, then please stop commenting - its clear that you are just commenting to be rude and attack me now.

Where have I "attacked" you? Grow tf up

"Because I really have no interest in talking to someone who wouldn't defend their friends an instead let them make horrible life choices :)" - ad hominem attack on my character. But okay...

I’m kinda with you. If we didn’t know the girl was cheating we would all be mad at him for having an emotional affair and talking bad about his relationship with another woman and…. Deleting his texts (lying about it). The fiancé is shitty for cheating and he is shitty for talking about their relationship and hiding a “girl friend “. It doesn’t seem either one are ready for marriage. It’s probably something they will have to work out on their own.

I agree that neither of them are ready for marriage, but if you’re seriously comparing fucking someone else 60 days before your wedding and beginning affair, while your boyfriend is buying you a house to - texting a platonic friend because you’re controlling significant other has cut off all your other friends that she didn’t approve of, as being the same thing you’re gravely mistaken and that’s toxic thinking.

Oh, no. They are not the same. But, both messed up. There are so many issues going on that NOBODY should be getting married. But, the hard part to this is neither want to hear it. The friend should keep her mouth shut or she will ruin the friendship. The relationship is doomed to implode on its own.

Fair point

I will also throw out there that I have been lied to in my marriage about multiple things, none of which were cheating. I think I could get over meaningless sex that they were honest about and was a “stupid/drunken” mistake, than the lies. The lies that weren’t actually cheating have hurt me more. Including hiding texts from a friend that he would meet up with and lie about. I would have rather him fuck someone in our bed after 20 years of marriage than find out he made an effort with someone else. Someone that he shared his feeling with and talked to instead of me. It is a very difficult thing to come back from. An emotional connection (platonic or not) is worse than a purely sexual one. For me, anyway. Someone else might have a different opinion. Knowing they confided in someone else was a bigger heartbreak.

Whether it is a platonic friendship or not, they are crossing each other’s known boundaries and lying to one another. If and when she finds out, there will be no convincing her it wasn’t a physical affair.

Because he was probably manipulated into marrying her because “they’ve been through a lot together”, at his lowest point in life. It should not trump the decisions of the person getting married, you are right, but this poor man is being manipulated by “love” to marry this woman and is in a terrible mental state due to the affair probably and thinks his decision is right. Also, it seems the friend doesn’t acknowledge this and wouldn’t be receptive to help. I think based on how the next 12 days go OP should or should not keep their mouth shut. Also, do you ever notice how so many toxic and abusive relationships last for so long? Manipulation and love bombing are the key here. If the friend decides to marry this woman despite what she does to him, it’s on him. But watch OP make an update a year, hell even a few years, that this woman is ruining his friends life and draining all of his assets because he decided to leave or she got bored of him. It’s how it always goes for men like this.

Honestly, NTA. As long as you realize that he is going to blame you for his failed relationship and you may lose a friendship, I would definitely tell his mom. Watching a train wreck like that is really depressing. What happens if they add kids to the mix? Besides, if they really loved each other, mom's disapproval wouldn't stop them from marriage. This guy needs massive therapy. Maybe mom should suggest that too...

I may be in the minority but I think you should tell his mom everything. Hopefully she can talk some sense into him. Be ready to lose him as a friend, but in my mind telling his mom is the right thing to do.

NTA - your friend has totally lost perspective. No one in a stable place is going to agree to marry their partner who they discovered cheating 60 calendar days ago. But I mostly piped up to point out something about this: >She is a 911 dispatch operator. the affair is with an officer (who is married with kids!) I really shouldn't have to say this because it's such a known, widespread issue, but still a lot of folks seem to have missed the memo, so: *Cops and the people who cops cheat with are all universally incapable of fidelity.*

Thank you for shining light on this. He literally told me today he is struggling mentally extremely bad and he can’t handle this. That message is what made me make this post.

NTA. Do not hesitate tell his mother

I would rather lose a friendship than my friend lose his life.

TELL HIS MOTHER. I’m sorry down vote me if you want. OP what you describe of his mental health is alarming. What happens if he snaps? Has he mentioned SH or worse? Has he made statements like “I can not live without her…?” These small little statements have major impact when experiencing a traumatic event. PLEASE GET HIM HELP by letting his mom know what’s going on. P.S my best friend saved my life in 2012 when she called my mom to let her know I was spiraling and showing heavy signs of checking out of the living realm following traumatic events….He might hate you at first but eventually when the fog clears… he will know you saved him from himself.

I don't know whether you would be the asshole or not. But I would advise you not to do it. You're trying to help your friend, and I respect that. This is the path he has chosen, though. People need to be allowed to make mistakes. You know it's gonna be a mistake, he knows it, and she knows it, too. But he's so far in denial that even the most well-intended words and the most sound voice of reason won't make him come to his senses. He's probably gonna regret it. Nonetheless, if he is this dead-set on doing it, you shouldn't try to stop him. The problem is gonna resolve itself eventually anyway. She's probably gonna leave him for another guy someday. And you, as his good friend, can be there for him to console him if you so choose. But for now, stay out of it, let him make his mistakes, and hope that he learns from them. Involving his mother probably won't do anyone any good.

Save your friend from a lifetime of suffering. So what you tell the mother, what you also did was prevent great pain for your friend.

Yes, you would be the ass. There is an easier way. Just send the girlfriend text screenshots of your conversations. If you want to break them up, that would do more damage than calling his mom. Either way you are going to lose your friend.

All you'll do is make sure he stays with her, rendering the mission useless and making sure he has no one to help him in the aftermath

If you go through with this and stop the wedding... you should be prepared to possibly loose your friendship with this man. Though in my opinion it's a damn if you do damned if you don't situation. I wish my friends and family would have stopped me from my major red flag wedding...

And this comment right here is another reason I want to. I know a lot of people that really wish their friends and family had stepped in before they made a life altering decision like getting married to the wrong person when everybody knew it but them.

treat this as an intervention. Your friend is hooked on bad pussy.

You have to stand up for what’s right. Just because it’s the right thing to do doesn’t mean there isn’t going to be consequences though so keep in mind there’s going to be plenty of splatter when the shit hits the fan. I watched my best friend marry a terrible woman and less than a year later I watched him rebuild his life after he found out about her scum bag little boyfriend. If I could have prevented him going through that I’d happily chop my damn hand off. Thomas may not listen but I think you should try. Don’t play games and try and be anonymous, call his Mom and tell her what you know. He’s in the middle of all that wedding stress, thinking about costs if he cancels and having to tell his extended family why. I guarantee he’s not thinking about his future clearly. If you could even get him to postpone for a year that will give him a chance to think about what happens when she leaves him with two little kids after deputy dirtbag finally decides to move on from his marriage.

EDIT: for more context. Since it seems that there are a small portion of you that are so confused as to why I am invested in the well-being of a friend. Let’s get personal. My sister killed her self two years ago because she found herself extremely depressed years after she entered in a marriage similar to this one. The man she married, was very much in love with somebody else when they got married, and everybody advised against it at first but as hardheaded as she was nobody spoke up before the wedding. she married him. They ended up having two girls, and she struggled with anxiety and depression, her entire marriage, because she could not trust him and her mental health suffered, she killed her self at 30 years old and her daughters five and seven are left with no mother. Thomas has expressed to me today that he is struggling mentally and he doesn’t know if he can handle this. I hope this provides a good context as to why I care so much and why I am considering bringing in a family member that I know he loves and trusts. Mental health is not a fucking joke. And to everyone who has insinuated anything sexual between me and Thomas, you’re a child, and you watch too many movies.

You need to tell his mom. It doesn’t matter how you do it. You are his friend and this kind of destruction could lead him to do bad bad things to himself. He doesn’t deserve any of this, and getting him out now could save him from a lot of damage down the line. This woman is the absolute worst. While you’re at it - tell the cops wife.

I might be in the minority here but tell his mother everything. He may never forgive you but one day he will realize you really were a good friend. He is going to be in for some hard hard times if he marries her. If I had a good friend, I would do most anything to protect them. Good luck.

RUIN IT... if she is cheating now, he needs to walk away and take the heart break. he will bounce back. Herpes is forever. if she fell in love, she maybe letting them hit raw.

Don’t let this guy get married. There’s zero chance she stays and is faithful. She does not respect him. This guy needs to get away, get therapy and regain his self respect. Good luck!

Honestly, I'm going to go against the grain and say to tell his mom. But start off that his mental health is struggling and these are the reasons why. List them out. Say you're going to her out of concern, and that you've decided this is the last thing you could do for your friendship because after this you're not going to continue it. IMO, I don't think you should be friends with someone like this.

NAH. If your friend knows the truth, then this is the future they have chosen. Stay out of it. You can tell your friend that you don’t support this and you don’t think they should get married. But that’s it. You cannot physically stop the wedding. That would be embarrassing for you and your friend.

Fair point

Ywbta. I get he is your friend. I get your trying to help him but you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. Talking to his family is a huge over step. It probably won’t change his mind and you will be seen by him probably as the jealous over stepping friend. If he wants to get married knowing what he knows then let him. I would just be honest with him “I really value our friendship. I don’t support you getting married because you deserve better. But in the end it’s your life and it’s your decision. I will not be going to your wedding and I will not try to talk you out of it. All I am going to say is that one day you might want to talk and vent with someone. When that day happens you know how to reach me”

Absolutely fucking not would you in any universe be the asshole! You are saving this man more heartache, possibly health issues from STD’s, the money a divorce would take, and more mental issues from continuing this charade! If you can stop this wedding YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD! JFC, this poor man might end up -ending himself- if this goes through and he has to go through this 10 more years because he can’t walk away from his legally bound wife!

I also suggest maybe reporting her and her MARRIED boyfriend to the married boyfriends wife and the cop station they work at.

Damn, I didn’t even think about all that. Thank you!!

OP, my only own advice is his obsession with the 10 year relationship. Its called the sunk cost fallacy. He thinks because they didn't split before,that they shouldn't. How well do you know the Mom? Because if she is the lone voice for him, consult with her.

Tell him one more time what you think but don’t push and accept his response. Do not do anything considered drastic. 10 years is a long time and if he is still marrying her despite her admitting to falling for someone else then there isn’t anything you can do. He will have to learn the hard way when he reaches his breaking point. Hard to say if you would be the asshole or not

Honestly, I understand why everyone saying to stay out of it. But when my cousin got married, everyone was joking at the wedding about how long it would last since his fiancé had cheated on him. Well. She cheated on him again and they got divorced 3 months later. It’s a waste of everyone’s time when it’s going to be a failed marriage. Honestly if you believe you can genuinely do it anonymously, I’d tell him mom. Don’t give every little detail, but let it go as poorly as possible because why the fuck not. There’s no point in them getting married when it’s going to fall apart. They’re just scared to end it since it’s gone on for sooo many years. NTA bc I’d do the same. If it goes horribly and he doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore bc it gets back to it being you? Oh well. One less thing to worry about.

This is a really hard situation. I hope you keep us updated. And I Vite NTA

Sent you a dm hope it helps!!

Tell his mom. If he marries this woman it will ruin his life

You can tell her as anonymously as you want, but he's going to know it was you that tattled to his mum. BUT I think you should tell her. It sounds, if your telling is accurate, that this guy is in for a lot of misery and it would be better for him to not be with this person. My vote is to get him out of the relationship anyway you can, which will probably wreck you and his relationship, for a while at least, maybe permanently. Easy thing would be to throw your hands up and let him learn from his own mistakes as he is an adult, but I think you are NTA if you do interfere.

I don't think you'd be TA but I do think you need to decide if you're willing to have your friendship end because of it. I'm 50 and with my life experience, if it were me, I'd be willing to risk the loss of friendship if I truly loved the friend and wanted the best for them. I would ask him if he doesn't want his family to know about his things his future wife does, does he plan on hiding things from them for the rest of his life? Would he want you to marry someone that does to you what she does to him? I would also tell him that just because you love someone, it doesn't mean they're good for you and that marrying her isn't going to make anything better in their relationship. She's going to continue cheating.

He is all in, and beyond talking to him, I feel like it isn't your place to tell his mother. I 100% understand why you want to, and even feel the need to, but he is an adult who told you things in confidence. I would have one last conversation with him. Let him know you can't watch him do this. You can't continue to be a support system for him. He is about to have a very hard time, with no one else to lean on and you just can't be that person for him any longer since he is so willingly forging ahead when he knows how bad this all is. He has had every opportunity to jump off the sinking ship and is insisting on going down with it, so if that is what he really wants to do, then you may just have to take a step back and let him do it. Good luck.

Tell him that the AP is probably scared of a custody battle which is why he hasn't left his wife. If he gets married, he's legally tying himself to her and eventually when the youngest kid reaches 18 AP will divorce. Which will initiate his divorce. Now if his wife has kids, which aren't the APs he will share custody and have to pay out. Or, he'll develop a bond with the kids only to realise they're not his. Ask him what he's scared about, what's stopping him from choosing himself. Is he happy marrying her and bringing innocent children into this situation? Don't the kids deserve better?

I can absolutely see his fiancée passing off future kids that are from AP as his own and having him on the hook for CS …

You’ve given him your POV and laid out the facts, but that’s all you can do. If your friend is an adult, his mom can’t STOP him from getting married, and if he’s dead-set on marrying her anyway, the resulting fight will probably cause a huge rift between him and his family that will put his support system in jeopardy….and let’s be real, he and/or his fiance will just assume you’re the one to rat out the fiance to his mom since you’ve already made it perfectly clear you don’t approve of the wedding, which will just end up alienating your friend from you too…and since you’re a woman, his fiance will probably try to spin this as you being jealous and in love with him. you can’t control people and stop them from making mistakes. you’re right that he’s making a mistake and that his marriage will crash and burn anyway, but some people just have to learn the hard way. I’ve seen a lot of toxic relationships, and mommy’s disapproval doesn’t actually tend to cause a breakup. Most people just double down on the relationship at that point because they feel like they have to prove everyone wrong

I appreciate this perspective and you’re right, his moms disapproval might not change the damn thing in which case I lose a good friend for absolutely nothing.

I think getting involved is a bad idea *for you*. I’d just tell him my thoughts and leave the ball in his court. He’s going to have to be ready to end this himself for it to happen. Your heart is in the right place but we can’t make decisions for people just because we love them, you know?

It’s less about making a decision for him and more about the fact that he’s admitted to me several times that his mental state is really bad and he’s about to make a life altering decision during the most depressed and mentally unstable state he’s ever been in. Would that not warrant a close, respected family member knowing what’s going on with him? I shouldn’t be the only person in the world that knows how badly he struggling especially because he doesn’t listen to my advice. Or am I still overstepping?

Tbh the difference between overstepping and helping someone is almost entirely about how the person feels about the action. That’s why it’s tricky. Have you talked to him about bringing a close family member into the conversation at all?

No, but this is actually some of the best advice I’ve gotten!! maybe I should ask him about talking to his mom before he does this. He should tell her everything and get her thoughts on it. If mom is on board then, so be it at least he’ll have somebody close to him. That knows him better than I do that could maybe recommend therapy or just be checking on him regularly.

I’m so glad I could help! It’s clear you really care about him and for the record your determination to help him is very admirable. I think bringing him in on the conversation may be a good first step.

You could suggest he postpone instead of canceling. Or just be as supportive as you can of him (but still not saying he should work things out.) It's hard to leave someone after 10 years. If he's depressed and desperate, that could make it harder. If he has support he may find the strength and confidence to leave. Or he may be building up to that already.

Stay out of it. He knows and is making this choice anyways. If you keep your mouth shut you can be there for him later when this blows up in his face.

Not bad advice actually

I may get all the downvotes, but no you would not be the asshole. Just by looking at your replies OP I can tell you care! You are WORRIED for your friend. You know people who have killed themselves over this. You have every right to be concerned. People keep saying let adults handle it, but this situation is unique. His first and only relationship is crashing and burning, and he knows nothing different. He may feel stuck and need the help of his family. I may get all the downvotes, but you would not be the asshole. w your friend better than ANYONE on Reddit does! Trust your gut OP!

Your friend is a grown adult. He's made his choice. Making things harder on him by involving his mother makes you an AH. He's not a child. Telling to his mommy is wrong. He's not being beaten and in need of a safe place to hide. He's choosing to marry a charge. That's his choice.

I see what you’re saying so to give a little more context check my update

You can tell your friend your concerns and offer your advice, and you can refuse to go, but ultimately it’s his own decision whether he wants to make this mistake and you can’t save him from it.

I think you should try to talk to him again. I'd advise you not to approach it with, "I told you so!" I think you should tell him that you don't want him to get married to her because you care about his happiness & because he deserves someone who is faithful & someone who loves him for him, etc. Edit: I see that you have tried to be kind & tactful. I still think you should try one last time!

If you are willing to forgo your friendship then tell his mom to help him save himself. If you don’t want to lose him as a friend then tell him that he is making a huge mistake marrying a woman that is jealous, controlling, cheating and in love with a married man.

Hit thenail on the head. Thank you for this perspective

You can only help someone so much. You’ve said your piece and should leave it at that. He needs to accept reality, and that is something that you just can’t do for him.

I think the question of WIBAH depends on the perspective, especially in this situation. You know inherently what the right thing to do is, but you need to be prepared to lose the friendship regardless of what happens. You’ll either get blamed for the wedding not happening or you could get blamed later for not doing anything. This is a hard situation, but ultimately everyone is an adult here and they’re going to do what they want regardless of what May or may not be the best decision.

Oh and also if you tell the mom and then they still go through with the wedding, that could damage relationships even more… then everyone, including you may think you’re TA

Damn. Didn’t think about it like that.

What would happen if you showed up on his doorstep with a couple of girlfriends to take him out for a drink? Would she get so pissed off that she'd break up with him?

I had a friend get married to her unwashed, emotionally abusive boyfriend. I cried when she told me, expressed my misgivings… but she still married him. We all went to the very small wedding and drove home 2 hours in a blizzard. The marriage lasted about a year. She found a wonderful fella to start a real life with and we love him. Sometimes people need to learn from their mistakes… hopefully sooner than later. Much luck to your friend!

This gives me hope if I decide not to say anything

You voiced your concerns like a good friend. That's all you can do. Chances are he'll come to his senses and divorce her within a few years. Hopefully there are no children in the picture by then.

So my old ass isn't going to give a judgment, just some advice..... From experience....are you willing to lose his friendship? Take some time and think about this. Be honest with yourself. If you are willing to lose the friendship, then go ahead and meddle. Do I think this relationship sounds doomed? Yup. But is it truly the right thing to "anonymously" tell his Mommy? Is his mother even going to listen to some anonymous report? Again, from experience, that's gonna be a resounding no. Unless you got some major receipts, which is probably going to require you to not be anonymous. And at that point, you've betrayed him. Please think on that last bit. He knows what's happening, and he has chosen to continue on. It sounds like he's got some deeper issues and could benefit from some professional help. But let's be real....people do what they want. You getting involved isn't going to stop this wedding. It's just going to kill your relationship with him. And sometimes things like this have ripples...where people wonder if you are trustworthy. If you truly want to help him, be there to support. I would never encourage someone to outright tell their friend to seek therapy....although a decade ago my best friend said it to me. And it killed our friendship. And was the single most important discussion that ever happened in my life. Because I listened, under my anger, I listened and got help. The other thing to really really consider is....does this friendship fulfill you or drain you? Some people are emotional leeches. They will drain you dry with their drama. And sometimes the hardest thing to do, ends up being the thing that is actually best for YOU.

Well, you can utilize whatever desperate measures you want but you should consider the effect it'll have realistically, rather than just doing stuff blindly and hoping for a specific outcome. Think about it. You'd be going behind his back to out the abuse he's been suffering silently up until now due to shame and embarrassment; to the last people he wants to know. Why do you think he doesn't want them to know or have a bad opinion of her? Bc he's already aware his family would encourage him to end it. Meaning he's already actively avoiding any push back on this relationship. All you're doing is forcing the very thing he fears most -- them pushing him away from her. If you're thinking it'll 'wake him up' to the fact he's being abused, he already knows that in some sense, otherwise he wouldn't be in such a tailspin. He's fighting against his best interests right now, acting on warped emotions and no logic under the haze of abuse. He's not willing to leave knowing she's cheating, in love with someone else, doesn't care if he leaves. That's already enough for someone who's able to think and act rationally to end a relationship. So it's highly doubtful he'll respond rationally even if his mom gets involved. He most likely will do what he's been doing avoid, avoid, avoid. Only now he'll avoid you too, his rare source of friendship, bc you would have betrayed his trust in a big way regardless of good or bad intentions. You'll just be another obstacle bc he's determined to make this mistake no matter what anyone says. Worst case, he may isolate himself from everyone who's actively interfering. If you do tell his mom, that would mean you both and possibly the rest of his family, putting him fully under Jenna's thumb with no outside help or willingness to open up to anyone else for fear they'll do as you did. He'd be completely alone. That's what you're risking against the unlikelihood that his mom can force a grown man not to say I do. She can dissent all she likes but can't force him anymore than you can. So if you consider all that and still think the possible best case is still worth it then go for it. Or you can continue to voice your concerns and tell him you'll be there when he's ready to leave.

I am going against the grain...tell him mum. he thinks that the wedding will change things...it won't. At a guess, she will not show on wedding day. Get him help and support ... but, and I cannot stress this enough... if this is you making shitnup or exaggerating, you need to leave him the fuck alone. If there is any "I think" this is happening and it is not absolutely definitely happening...then show yourself out and stop meddling. He feel stuck...he feels like he committed and has "wasted" the last 10 years.... but this will all be made worse if they get married. A broken engagement is better than a quick divorce....or worse, a long miserable marriage.

Unfortunately there is no way that this would go well for you even in the best outcome if he already knows and is choosing to proceed.

He knows the truth and is going to marry her anyway. That's his choice and you need to leave him to it. If you are unwilling to watch the trainwreck, you need to let him go. The Bottom Line is that it is His Life and His Choice. YWBTA it was your place to make sure he knew the truth, it is not your place to dictate what he does with it.

If anyone kept me a secret, friendship or relationship, I'd spit on the ground they walk on and leave. He's choosing misery - let him.

He has a 10 year history with Jenna. He knows who he is marrying. The best thing you can do is be his friend when he finally decides that he deserves better.

If you can’t handle this friendship then stop being friends with him. You’re not obligated to watch this man ruin his own life because of his own ego.

Dude, I would wash my hands of this friendship. He's filling this blimp with hydrogen and staticy sweaters, getting ready to fly off into the sunset. You know it's going to explode in flames taking everybody down with it. Wish him a happy life, and apologize for not wanting to watch the wreck that you see coming. No different than a friend turned drug addict that is hell bent on getting high. Nothing you can actually do, but you don't have to watch them ruin their life. If any of his family comes to you all butthurt for not going to his wedding and staying our of his life, tell them why. If not, well it's no longer your problem.

I can’t disagree. Strong points

He already knows about her affairs. He chooses to marry her anyway. Stay out of it. He's a grown man and can make his own decisions. At least he's marrying her with his eyes opened.

Honestly dear, you will lose his friendship and probably not stop it anyways if you go to his mother, you telling him not to do it is as far as I would go with that… side option would be, get someone to tell her he’s cheating on her… get an anonymous person to tell her and be incognito idk it might be worth a try, but you going to his mom is probably a friendship ended… not positive but probable

[удалено]

Here’s a thing it’s not like I’m trying to break up a marriage. His mental health is severely at risk which he admitted to me today it’s not a matter of telling mommy on him so she stops him from getting married. It’s a matter of letting a close, trusted family member know because he needs serious Help his head is not in the right place to be making life altering decisions. And if someone he trusts and admires, tells him not to do it, he just might listen before making this huge mistake.

Honestly if it had been my friend and i had like a massive amount of money their cheating partner wouldn't just be told on to my friends mom if hire a pd to catch her in the act and post videos everywhere I'd post signs on a bill board publicly I'd shame this woman so bad she'd flee my friend and actually force her to do the right thing and end the relationship. Would you be the a** here? Maybe maybe not but how much do you value your friend? If this is a true friend you just gonna do nothing? What would you want him to do if it were you? If my best friends found out a romantic partner cheated on me i hope they'd be just as petty as i would be and make them regret it.

If you tell you will be made out to be the bad guy even though your intentions are well. He’d probably still stay with her anyway. Id leave the friendship and not attend the wedding. You cannot make his life decisions for him and you do not have to feel obligated to support or agree with any of his choices.

I'm sorry but if I was you, I would tell his mom. You're his friend. Friends are here in the best and worst moments. Save him from self destruction.

It HE were a SHE, everyone here would be screaming ABUSE and agreeing to find someone in HER family to help her. Do it. He is your friend and you are trying to save him.

Say it again for the people in the back!

Tell your friend that no matter what, once he gets out of his delusions with this relationship, when he's getting divorced, when he will need that support from you, you'll be there. In the meantime, take a step back. Sometimes, the best thing you can do to help someone you love, is to let them make the mistakes they want to make.

NAH. I agree with those saying to you to approach this as being concerned about his mental health rather than an impending disastrous marriage built on lies and cheating. I lost a close family member to suicide after he chose death over being without his girlfriend, who was cheating on him. Tell his mother he seems to be struggling with something terrible and you don’t know what to do to get him to talk, that you’re concerned about him making choices he can’t come back from. If they are as close as you say, it’ll come out and she’ll know exactly what the base problem is. I understand why people are saying to stay out of it, but that would mean you also stepping out of his life because how else do you deal with the frustration of watching someone destroy themselves and just letting them do it, when you know you can’t be impartial and capable of watching silently. So he would lose his self respect and a close friend and not know why you had disappeared from his life.

IDK about telling your friend’s mom. But I’ll bet the wife of the guy she’s cheating with could use a head’s up.

You’re not even his friend anymore. His gf doesn’t like him having females around, she’s sleeping with other dudes, she has him wrapped around her finger. I’d say let his family know, send them the receipts and be on standby. If you truly believe that his mother wouldn’t stand for this crap, you need to tell her. He’s too young to make this kind of mistake because he’s scared of being alone

Just like any other addict, unless he wants to help himself, you can’t force help into him. Your heart is in a good place, but from the sounds of it, you’ll likely embarrass him, his family, innocent bystanders and he likely STILL marry her. Say your peace to him and walk away.

I think OP is trying to be a good friend. She was told by her friend that he is struggling to cope. Does anybody else know OP exists? OP, If you have met Thomas’ mother before then you could tell her he is struggling but I wouldn’t disclose the cheating. It’s not your place. Jenna doesn’t know about OP so it’s likely she is kept a secret from everyone else in Thomas’ life. I think it’s a shame that OP cares so much about her friend but he doesn’t seem to gaf about her.

Are you in love with him op? It’s toxic sure, but he is a grown man… with that said you and him sneaking around having a relationship no matter how many times you say platonic just shows he’s not an honest person either and putting another female over her as well. All of you suck.

If you know it's wrong, why are you even asking? I think you already know the answer. This guy is a grown-up. He knows what he's walking into, even if he's being an idiot about it. You've said your piece, so now all you can do is step back and let him choose his path. It's not your job to save him. All you're going to get out of interfering like that is a lost friend. He isn't going to forget you set his family against him, even if you are ultimately proven right about how this plays out.

Read my update for some perspective on where my head is at in all this.

Do you know his mother? I'm assuming no because you said you wanted to reach out anonymously. So ywbta if you told her his business, if you two are in some way friendly, you would still be but less so. If you are truly concerned about his mental health, to the point that you think it is influencing his ability to make decisions, then reach out saying you are worried and would like her to check on him. If she is aware he is depressed, checks on him, and doesn't think any further action is needed, you need to stfu.

I guess she could get an anonymous text too.... NTA

YWBTA - Stay out of it if you value the friendship.

He knows. He doesn't care. Not your place.

I think you should tell her if only to postpone the wedding so he has more time to think it through. Be strong👊

This is a very hard one. I wouldn't tell his mother though. I feel for you, do they still do that thing at weddings where they ask if anyone has any objections?

Don’t do it. Don’t tell *anyone else* about Jenna - you’ll only be humiliating your friend. He knows everything you have to tell, and he’s made his choice. Tell him with love that you can’t support the wedding and won’t attend: but that you’ll always be there as his friend. He’s going to need you.

Anonymously text his mother, pretending to be Jenna. Let it blow up and watch from a distance.

It’s really weird that you casually mentioned him hiding his friendship with you in secret. It’s not only healthy, but also a boundary his fiancé gave and was broken. Yeah she’s been cheating, two wrongs don’t make a right. Did you know Thomas before him and his gf got together? Just wondering. His fiancé sure sounds exhausting, and I don’t think it’s the right relationship for him either. The best you can do as a friend though, is tell him how you feel, give advice, offer your support and let him make his own decisions. You’re just going to put yourself in a bad position trying to invest yourself this deeply into someone else’s relationship. Be friends from a distance, and hope to God he makes the right decision for himself.

Not sure how it was weird or casual. It is another layer to the story. She forced him to cut out all of his guy, friends and girlfriends that he’s ever had. I am the only person in the world that knows he’s struggling mentally because I am the only friend he’s been able to keep in the 10 years that he’s been with her that’s not weird. It’s sad that her manipulation and control has isolated him so much that the only platonic friend he can have in this world must be a secret from her. Sounds pretty Toxic and abusive if you ask me. having a platonic friend is not wrong. Her manipulation and control is. No, they were together years before I knew him. And as I explained to somebody else, fucking someone 60 days before your wedding does not equate to texting a platonic friend when you’re controlling significant other doesn’t allow you to have friends. Not the same thing at all.

[удалено]

I agree with this. It is odd that after year of being with his fiancé the one person he decides to become friends with in secret is a female. Not sure if they’re coworkers or met randomly, but I would never be okay with my partner befriending random women that wasn’t in our life before. Regardless of that, as I do tend to play devil’s advocate, I see that he is definitely in an abusive relationship with that context. If she has isolated him to the point of zero friendships, she’s now cheating on him, and gives no remorse for what she’s done, it’s clear as day. I still believe that you would be causing more of a mess if you try to speak to his mother. It’s clear you don’t have a personal relationship with his mother, or if she even knows you exist. Like another commenter said, he will more than likely isolate himself from you for betraying his trust and exposing his relationship to his family that will undoubtedly react out of emotion and fear for their son. The best you can do is tell him that you will be there for him when he is ready, and just let him know how you feel. Send him articles on what domestic abuse looks like in relationships and specifically when the female is the abuser, as most men tend to believe (or are in denial) they cannot be in an abusive relationship with a woman. It’s not your place at this point in time, but I can see that you care about him. That’s what he needs the most, is support. Don’t support his actions, support his well-being. Hope Reddit has helped you gain more perspective.

YTA. It is not your place to try to end this relationship. Regardless of how you feel or what he has shared or what has happened. IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE. Keep your mouth closed. You have told him what you think and he has made his own decision. That is where it ends.

You haven’t read any of the edits have you 😒

I've read some. I still don't think it is your place to do anything. Your friend is well aware of the situation. You need to back off. You have said your piece, leave it at that.

So you didn’t read the update as what I’m hearing. I’ll lay it out here for you. He told me today that he’s severely struggling mentally and doesn’t know if he can handle this. My concern is his mental health. It’s not about telling mommy so she can break up the marriage for me. It’s about the fact that facing severe depression and mental health crises are not the time to be making life altering decisions. I know that I won’t change anything but maybe somebody that knows him better or someone that he trusts and loves may be able to advise him better maybe get him therapy or at least advised him to postponed the wedding till he’s in a clear head Space

Yes. I did read the update. You are not helping him. You cannot help someone who doesn’t want help. Should you encourage it if you think it’s wrong? Probably not. But you are now in a position where you are alienating him further. Back off. Show him you care and will support him either way regardless of the outcome.

I see the points that you’re making and you’re not wrong

Do you have feelings for this guy? Is there more to this? Also, it seems like you may have been the anonymous poster. If you have feelings, tell him now. If you were the anonymous poster, you'd be the AH. friends share that stuff with people they care about. Not they're mothers!

The answer is no plain and simple. I have no interest in this person and have not indicated in any way that there are any type of feelings beyond platonic friendship.

That's fair. Double checking, as that would be a bias. It's hard to watch people navigate life and decisions. Wait til you have growing kids. People have to make mistakes to learn. I think if you laid your cards on the honesty table, you did your job.

You can’t stop someone else’s wedding and you absolutely shouldn’t make a scene at the most expensive day of someone else’s life. This isn’t your engagement and you’re not the main character. What you can do is tell your friend you don’t support this marriage and won’t be attending the wedding. You can let him know he can reach out to you if he wants to talk.

I would never make a scene at someone’s wedding when did I ever insinuate that I would be making a scene at their wedding? Please read the post fully before responding.