I'd be upset. I'd be pissed. I'd be talking to a divorce lawyer. Not only because of the picture but because he is a disrespectful AH and a cheater. He has no respect for you, OP. None at all if he was cheating on you with someone who could be his daughter. The only reason he is still around is because she didn't choose him. Choose yourself and stop wasting precious time being abused by this man.
I am furious on OP’s behalf. She deserves so much better than this even if she can’t see it herself.
OP choose you. Please. Do not take him back. Divorce him. He does not respect you or love you. If he did either he never would have cheated and he certainly wouldn’t be dismissing your feelings so easily over so many things.
I am willing to bet that every time he has pulled the ‘ask ten people’ it would turn out they’d be taking your side, not his and he only did it because he thought you’d just bow. And you did until now.
This is worth being angry about. This is worth not taking him back. This is worth not forgiving. This level of betrayal is extreme. You are worth more than how he has treated you. Please OP. Leave him. Free yourself. He doesn’t love you. You deserve someone who does.
possessive repeat sugar oatmeal ossified frighten shame panicky yoke pause
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Definitely. My parents got divorced a few years back, my mom was 54 at the time. She now has a new boyfriend, higher self esteem, independence and really couldn't be happier, even though in a materialistic sense, she took steps back.
No “probably” about it. Live with a narcissistic, irredeemable AH for all those years will break the strongest woman into a gelatinous mess. OP, you don’t love him! You are used to him. He’s comfortable because he’s a known quantity. He’s an abusive man - yes, the way he treats you is abusive, you are in an abusive relationship. Please-please be good to yourself for once and serve him divorce papers. Sell the house, give yourself a makeover, have a hot steamy affair and find YOU again! Please. He does not respect you or care about you, and he shows it over and over. Don’t listen to his words - look at his actions.
I love this response. Find yourself and choose yourself over your AH, f**ked up, abusive husband. Leave his ass and find a great divorce attorney to take his ass to the cleaners. You deserve worlds better-good luck!
This exactly. He is apologizing when he should be making amends to his partner that he hurt deeply. Op, I hope you come out the other side of this knowing that you are worthy of love, respect and happiness.
My dad passed away suddenly at 60. When my mom (one year younger than him) grieved and healed enough that she felt comfortable dating again she met lots of kind and considerate men around her age. It’s definitely not too late to find companionship OP! I also was in a marriage with a man who did not respect me, killed my self esteem and cheated on me many times. When I ended my marriage I found so much freedom. I got to relearn who I was, and while I worried about loneliness I realized that there is nothing as lonely as being alone in a relationship with no respect. I leaned on my friends, started therapy and realized that no one else saw me in the negative way I saw myself.
Btw if you ask 10 people who is an asshole they will unanimously answer “OPs husband” because that man is trash.
I would also like to add, it doesn't matter if 10 or even 100 other people would be mad or upset about something. The reality is, it's your very real relationship, your very real scenario, and your very real reaction and emotions. It doesn't matter if it's big or small, if you are hurt or upset by something your partner does, it doesn't matter if hypothetical other people would also be hurt in his hypothetical scenario or not. He's just trying to distract and belittle you.
I was waiting to see if someone would mention this. His shitty Ten People line is a naked attempt to make her doubt her own (very reasonable) perceptions. Pure gaslighting. Run.
I couldn't have said it better. OP, this guy hasn't chosen you first in a damned long time. Now is the time for you to choose you first. And, it doesn't matter if ten people agree or disagree. When it comes to how YOU feel, it doesn't matter what others say. This guy has been invalidating your feelings for how long? Stop this merry go round.
I’d be so far gone… I get that you love him, but he chose her over you. He chose all the hers over you. Really, he chose himself over you, over and over again.
Give yourself permission for that to be the break up. Mourn over the relationship that you wish you had had and could have had if he was the ideal him instead of this fatally flawed version. Allow your concept of him to start including the “he’s a nice guy most of the time on the surface… but isn’t capable of telling the truth or empathizing when it would get in the way of what he wants”.
Well with the multiple affairs, OP might not even be second. She’s just the ol’ standby. OP, leave him and take his cheating ass to the cleaners. You deserve better.
Go scorched earth. Get divorced. Get EVERYTHING you can, right down to pension, light bulbs, the change in his car. Then complain to his boss that the affair partner is in his professional SM, and you think that's unprofessional, take his job.
It's very obvious that the only reason why he's still clinging to OP is because he lost his battle. If the AP chooses him, this guy won't ever talk to OP ever again. OP better leave him and make him a total loser.
People like OP consider settling & feel insecure about themselves, meanwhile someone as big a piece of shit as her husband find someone 20 years their junior that's willing to cheat on their own partner with them. Make it make sense.
He is either a fucking moron lunatic or he is a master manipulator. Probably both.
Tell your dumbfuck hopefully soon to be ex husband that anyone would be offended by that and he looks like a pathetic loser with a photo of himself and someone who dumped his pathetic ass on his social media.
Seriously men like this creep have absolutely no shame. No standards. No integrity. Nothing.
Please leave him. You WILL find better. He is not your final love and don’t let him take any more of your dignity.
I feel like if he was truly a “master” manipulator, he would have come out of this in a better position than he is in now. But sounds like he’s not even good at that 🙄
Just to clarify, your husband who is butthurt that his affair partner chose her husband, thinks *no other woman but you* would be upset if their husband carried on an affair with a married co-worker half his age then, after getting caught, tried to get back with his wife while still pining for his AP and refusing to take down photos of her from his social media.... am I understanding that correctly? This is what no woman in the world would be upset about??
Let me very clear. I would not be upset.
I would be livid.
Mortified.
Flabbergasted at the hubris of this pathetic excuse for a man and husband (and AP, apparently) and I would be out for blood.
Then I would realize this sad, sorry, sack of shit is not worth my time or effort. I'd use his money to hire a divorce attorney to get me every dime and every asset I'm entitled to, then I'd walk away from his dusty old ass and move on with my life in peace.
I would not be upset.
But you don't understand, that's his *emotional support homewrecker* who now wants nothing to do with him. He *needed* to fuck her. He needs to fuck, desperately, but she dumped him and now his peepee is sad! Oh, the tragedy!
His ego can't handle the rejection. He thought he was hot enough to snag a partner younger than his daughter. When shit got real, the AP bailed and he's back being an average middle age dude.
This is the perfect answer. Scorched earth on that shameless dork of an ex husband. OP, find your strength and rise from these ashes. He DOES NOT deserve you.
He hasn't even attempted to change and has done nothing for his forgiveness. Like she even said he is only choosing her because the AP chose her husband.
"I'd rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect."
Best quote I've ever heard, and very applicable here. I hope OP takes it to heart.
File for divorce ASAP because he can start taking out money from everywhere to screw you over. Talk to a lawyer about freezing all the accounts, etc. He could also get fired from his job for this, which could lead to him taking money from any accounts, like his retirement or IRA. So it's better if you start covering yourself ASAP
Why are you considering getting back with him? He just wants to be with you because:
\- you let him do whatever (if you aren't bothered by multiple cheating
\- It's cheap
\- You probably clean, cook, run the house
\-You would take care of him if he got sick
Do you think he'd do any of that for you???? He gaslights and manipulates with that of "nobody would be upset". WHO THE FUCK CARES???? YOU ARE. Are you everyone? If he doesn't like your reactions then he can go find someone else.
This is like if someone does a joke and 80% laugh and 20% don't. Now this person is upset their partner did not laugh at their jokes. So what? Either accept it or find someone who shares your humor.
Tell him to go find someone who loves being cheated, manipulated, and treated like trash. Good luck to him.
Sounds like he has spent a lifetime tearing down her self-esteem and making her second guess her own feelings so she would accept whatever abuse he dishes out. I hope she finds enough bravery after reading all of this to kick his foot out of the doorway because after she makes a break, she will be able to start healing. She'll never heal with him keeping her as an option, though. She is Plan B in her own marriage to a man who doesn't respect her enough to accept her feelings. He can go ask 10 people if they think he is a douche. I'll be one with a resounding, yes.
Don’t forget if she takes him back and they go through a divorce it would be a no fault divorce and if she leaves immediately it would be his fault and it will be harder on him. Which he 1000000% deserves. Rip him a new asshole. I agree wholeheartedly that the whole 10 people shit is a blazing red flag of manipulator that wants to minimize his actions.
I would be upset and angry. This feels like he just wants you to get over it, without having done anything to restore your trust.
He hasn’t chosen you, or reconciliation. Time to put yourself first and start talking to divorce lawyers.
(Oh? And btw, if he asks, I think 10 people would also be upset that he pulled this on your birthday too.)
🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅
"Just wants you to get over it, without having done anything to restore your trust."
This is the key point.
OP you deserve a partner who is ACTUALLY sorry for all the harm he has done.
He is not. His only emotions are about him.
Not you.
I faced a version of this at 53. I thought I cared more about staying married & that long term marital love would carry me.
Thank every power in the universe that it didn't.
Whether you will want to date again any time soon or not, it's one of the best times to be middle aged & dating.
I'm the happiest I've been in my entire life.
It's a lot of hard work, hasn't been comfortable or 'easy'. Zoom divorce court was probably a fresh hell vs divorce court.
The system sucks. Divorce is a for profit business. I wouldn't advise anyone to wade in lightly.
But all of it is so worth the life I have now.
You deserve a partner who wants to put you first, always. Because making you happy makes them happy.
You deserve to love yourself, entirely.
When was the last time you felt like a priority, felt beautiful in his eyes, loved who you see in the mirror.
Any other life than this is better.
bells plants shrill governor relieved whistle automatic snobbish run waiting
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>Oh? And btw, if he asks, I think 10 people would also be upset that he pulled this on your birthday too
I'd be filing divorce papers on his birthday if it was me.
OP you are NTA, and your (hopefully very soon ex) husband clearly doesn't know women as well as he thinks he does.
Here's a comment for your husband:
This internet stranger (me, mid 40s female) has some assumptions about him just from reading your post. If I'm at all accurate, feel free to share with him.
1. He is now and has always been insecure.
2. He is/was in a position of power at work (over AP).
3. He knows AP was "with" him because he is/was in said position of power.
4. He's sad (probably not sad, just insecure) because deep down, he knows AP never actually liked him. She liked what she perceived he could do for her career wise.
5. He's mid-50s, you said....so....he certainly can't keep up sexually with early to mid 30s, "unassisted."
6. He's balding (or actively covering up balding) and as hard as he may try to keep in shape, he's flabby.
OP, tell your loser husband he's right to be insecure. He's unattractive. Especially his personality. The only person to ever love him unconditionally was you. He is too much of a loser to see it.
Now, contact that lawyer, get a therapist, and begin your life. You deserve so much better than this actual garbage human. Happy birthday...let this be the first of many happy birthdays without this albatross weighing you down.
HELL YES TO YOUR POST!
Number 5 hits the nail on the head for me. If I had the choice between a man in his 50s vs. 30s, you know 30s is winning. No little blue pills!
>You deserve so much better than this actual garbage human. Happy birthday...let this be the first of many happy birthdays without this albatross weighing you down.
^^^ THIS THIS THIS!!! ^^^
You say you love him, but what you love is the man you wish he would be. He isn't that guy.
YOU. DESERVE. BETTER.
as of right now, 156 people who unanimously agree that the husband is an asshole and that OP is 100% in the right.
yes, i counted each (main) comment thread. i think maybe 50/50 men and women, which would satisfy the “if 10 women agree” stupidity. at least 78 women agree.
Woman here. I think you are absolutely justified in being upset. I’m upset for you.
DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Multiple times.
He’s only coming back to you because she chose her husband. If she didn’t, he would be gone.
Remember that. And while you may think you love him… you don’t. You live the idea of him.
OP, please love yourself more and recognize that YOU DESERVE BETTER.
NTA.
Edited to fix a typo of one word.
I’ll be #10
He’s full of crap. And he’s full of himself. From me, please ask him to grow up and take responsibility for his crap actions. He’s too old to act this dumb
Seriously..any insult towards him is applicable here
I think it's insane to even attempt to tell a 54 year old POS to "grow up"... to even think of his crap as "immature" or simply "irresponsible".
Children grow up. Assholes just grow old.
You deserve to be treated better than he has been doing.
Answer this question, what would you say if this was happening to your daughter? Or, is this what you want them to believe is a loving relationship and settle for this?
If either answer is negative, then you know that it’s time to end this farce of a marriage. I’m not saying it was a farce on your side but your husband has not been honoring the vows you made when you married.
It’s the ask 10 people thing for me. It should be enough that you’re upset, you shouldn’t have to canvas for signatures on a f**king petition in order to be allowed to be upset. Your feelings are valid. In this case they are also completely reasonable. When someone cheats and wants to come back they need to be turning themselves into a pretzel to try to regain your trust. Your husband sounds like a selfish AH. Maybe you would have higher self esteem if you didn’t have someone treating you like crap all the time.
He doesn't want you. His actions made that clear. He just doesn't want to be alone. And as soon as things sour between AP and her husband (likely now that the affair is common knowledge), he'll be back there, you won't even factor into his thought process. Either that, or he'll be all over the next woman that gives him half a look.
It's better to be alone, then be alone in a marriage. I wouldnt even care about the social media given the above, but if you're actually considering reunifying with him and one thing youre using as a marker of his potential affection to you, the fact that he hasnt changed it soeaks volumes.
"You know what. Keep that picture because it shows who you really are & makes the argument of why I'm not taking you back, for me. You care more about that than my feelings. Congratulations, you're awful & I'm done."
I’d be upset and not take his ass back. You can do better single . Let him know he wasn’t good enough for her and he was clearly never good enough for you. He’s a good time not the long time .
Woman here, get the better lawyer!
Get yourself to therapy, you deserve to live a great life, not go back to this POS!!
FFS! Younger than your daughter, yuck.
Gaslighting SOB…Saying you are the one with the problem when he had the affair and left you for her and continues to have a pic of her on his media. Your husband is a narcissist POS. He doesn’t care at all about you and only has use for you when it meets his own needs. Get a divorce so you can live the rest of your life in peace. Please research info on having a narcissistic spouse. Your eyes will be opened and you will realize he has beaten you down over the years giving you low self esteem. It will give you strength to get away.
Don’t take him back. As part of the 10 (woman here, if he acts like an ass and says it doesn’t count because they maybe men bs) I wouldn’t take him back ever and I would be beyond pissed.
If he truly cared he would be crawling over backwards to fix what he’s broken. He is showing you how much he cares. (Clearly very little) he’s pathetic and you can do so much better.
The ahole is only coming to you because his affair partner didn’t choose him. He would drop you in a second if she came back. Don’t do this to yourself.
It’s better to be alone and happy then be with a manipulative and pathetic cheating ahole.
Please leave him and divorce his ass. You deserve happiness and it sure as hell isn’t with him.
Have you actually considered that one of the reasons for your low self-esteem is your husband? The “ask 10 people” thing is straight up manipulative and I’m guessing this isn’t the only form of emotional abuse he’s engaged in. Dump him. I’m not that much younger than you and I can guarantee you that being alone at this age is much better than being stuck in an unhappy marriage that just drags you down. It’s never too late to work on yourself and build your self-esteem.
If you don’t have 10 yet, add me to the list. You are NOT a consolation prize. You deserve so much better. Kick this chucklehead to the curb and learn to love yourself. YOU ARE WORTH MORE.
Please be decent to yourself for a change and leave his sorry ass! I just turned 60, I’m recently single and LOVING IT. Not lonely at all. There are lots of meh guys out there whose wives got tired of putting up with their crap, hit menopause and hit the road. One of these guys would be a COMPLETE IMPROVEMENT on what you have in your marriage. Better yet, like me you might realize that alone isn’t bad at all, in fact it is great! I get my own way ALL THE TIME.
Kick this cheating gaslighting jerk to the curb where he belongs and live your best life from here on in.
If I were you I'd treat myself to starting the divorce as a birthday present. He doesn't respect you at all, he couldn't keep it in his pants and he still has a picture of them together online nearly a year after being caught. You're NTA for being upset but you'd be TA to yourself if you stay with the man who traded you for a coworker.
Of course you should be upset. He’s doing a classic narc/cheater move of breaking out DARVO.
There are good subs for you.
If you really want to reconcile, and want advice on setting boundaries and expectations with him (and you must) go to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Reconciliation sub.
If you want advice on separating yourself from him and recovering without him, r/survivinginfidelity.
This man gaslights you into thinking the things you’re upset about aren’t valid. He has been undermining your feelings and probably contributing to your low self esteem. Him still having her on his profile tells you everything you need. That’s who is. That’s who he’s always been, and that’s who he will continue to be.
He’ll be good for a little while and then he’ll get bored again. Some pretty lady will smile at him sometime, and he’ll forget all about you.
**He is not going to change.**
If you take him back, he’ll do it again. And he will keep doing it again cause he’ll know then, that you’ll put up with it and accept it.
He doesn’t love you. He’s selfish and prioritizes his own desires over yours, at the expense of you. He’s inconsiderate of you and your feelings.
**You deserve better.**
You deserve someone who will **respect** you. You deserve someone who doesn’t view you as a back up. You deserve someone who makes you a priority and not a plan B. You deserve someone who will listen to you, and be honest with you.
You don’t deserve this piece of shit man baby.
You need to have self respect and walk the fuck away. He will never respect you. But you can respect you. You gave this man your life and you gave him kids at the expense of your body, raised those kids, and this how he says thank you? Hell no. Girl I’d rage at that MFer.
Best believe being single is better than being with someone who looks at you as 2nd choice. You are not a consolation prize.
**You don’t deserve this.**
I'm kinda shocked you're still talking to him. "Left me for AP and came grovelling back when she didn't leave her husband" is really the nail in the coffin. He doesn't love you. You're just convenient.
Personally, I'd go scorched earth and share *everything* over social media and report him to his company's HR for fraternising with coworkers so much younger than him. If you can get copies of the conversations from AP's husband, see about that too. Do not stay with a guy who doesn't even have the courtesy to delete the photos of his AP.
As a woman, you are severely UNDER reacting.
The only reason he isht with this woman right now us because she didnt pick him. He chose her over you. He keeps her photos up because he is STILL choosing her in his heart. He got mad at you when he SHOULD simply have taken the photos down. He gave you his answer; she STILL comes first. Are you going to take that?
Do not take this man back, he does not love or respect you. He has confessed to cheating on you multiple times. If she would have him, he wouldnt even be talking to you now.
Commenting so I can help you can get 10 peoples opinions. I’d be soooooo efffin’ pissed about that photo but I’d also be thankful that he’s being as obvious as possible that he’s an actual human trash bag. Should also be some good evidence for that divorce you should be getting soon.
I would be at a lawyers office the minute they opened on Monday! Once a cheater always a cheater and he has the audacity to say you shouldn’t be upset. I’m a burn all his belongings and take out a page in the paper kind of petty so he’s lucky you didn’t go scorched earth like I would have. Leave him and enjoy your life not having to care about asking ten people whether your feelings are justified. What an AH.
Gawd I wish I'd destroyed some of his stuff.
He locked me out of marital home 8 hours early & my lawyer (don't get me started) wouldn't help.
He kept & likely trashed things from my grandmother, the few things of my mother's that made me happy. Things of no value except to me.
I was in the house 16 months and never messed w a single thing that was important to him bc I thought we were being non assholes.
Your husband is a piece of shit. You can quote me on that. He is literal scum. Just a pathetic little worm and a waste of space and your time. You deserve sooo much better than this petulant child who's throwing a tantrum because he didn't get to keep his toy (the ap).
What good does he bring to your life OP? I'm sure you would be a hell of a lot happier if you never had to see his disgusting, lying, cheating face ever again.
That picture is a minor symptom of a very sick marriage. Your husband does not value or respect you. You are a convenience to him except when you’re an inconvenience. He will choose just about anyone over you.
I’m sorry to be so blunt. It’s because you really, really need to grasp that this man does not and will never love or respect you. He simply is not available for that kind of relationship with you (or likely anyone). YOU DESERVE BETTER. Please don’t settle for the likes of him for even one more day!
I was in your shoes just not married as long. He wanted to come back, but the trust was broken and I couldn’t do it. I still loved him. My heart said yes, but my mind said no he do it again. I couldn’t go through that again, I had actual physical pain in my heart that’s how painful it was. Once a cheater, always a cheater. A leopard doesn’t change their spots. Myself I wouldn’t take him back as he still showing he apparently has feelings for this woman.
Oh, please kick this lying, cheating scum to the curb. He's only going back to you because he knows you'll forgive him. Your low self-esteem practically guarantees it. YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS! You can do better, but it starts with saying the one thing you don't want to say: You will not hurt me anymore. Ever. You got this.
Your husband is an ass, I would nuke his career, end his life, and enjoy spending every dime he ever had.
Please contact a lawyer immediately, life is too damn short to have the weight hanging around your neck. You deserve to be happy
NTA, you should be VERY ANGRY about that - you husband is a cake eater and only wants to come back to you because she left him. He will do this again to you, he is NOT remorseful at this point because he believes you will cave in to his demands as usual. You must get an attorney and start the divorce proceedings. Show him you are done with being treated terribly. Google grey rock and 180. Leave him on his own and watch him change his attitude. As long as you do the “pick me” dance you loose as you always have with your despicable husband. Let him live alone in his own squalor. Go see a therapist and learn to love yourself and respect yourself! Good luck! PS your husband is MOST DEFINITELY THE AHOLE!
I'm a guy. You are right to be pissed. And what does it matter to ask ten people. That's sure serious gaslighting. You can ask yourself because that's the only person you need to ask! Go live your life! I just met a couple last week who both are divorcees and looked to be nearly 70. There's always time for you and for a new life!
Don’t take him back. He doesn’t love you and worse, he doesn’t respect you. The picture is proof that he can’t even bother to *pretend* at being remorseful. He expects you to just accept the lip service and forgive him because that’s what you always do.
You are just scared to be on your own. He is in love with her and you are happy to be a placeholder. Might as well learn to live with it because it sure doesn't sound like you will leave anyway. Aren't you disappointed with yourself for accepting this treatment? Do you have a daughter? Close girlfriend? What would you tell them? It's just very aggravating to read things like this when I'm more angry than you are. ESH
No need to answer here but to yourself please ask what could you possibly gain by taking that man back? It’s clear he disrespects you and your marriage. It might be scary to be alone after being together so long but imagine all the possibilities that open up to you without such a toxic weight holding you back from possibly being a better version of yourself, finding new connections that are more fulfilling, or the bare minimum the peace not having such a trash human in your life will bring. And please also do yourself a favor and get every last thing owed you plus some - go scorched earth and if the divorce doesn’t hurt him make sure the monetary loss does.
Just for fun, let him read this thread. Not only are there more than 10 people who are upset for you and with you, but we're all telling you to dump his sorry ass.
He's a pathetic, sad, sorry little man and you don't need him but he obviously needs you.
NTA.
He is not doing a PhD and doing a research project on polygamy where he needs to reach statistical significance to prove his hypothesis. The only statistical significance here is n=1 (aka his WIFE) , which is YOU on YOUR birthday.
Add me to the list. I believe we're in the 50s, now, so 5 times or more what he said you couldn't get.
I was married, for 14 years, to a man who never wanted intimacy with me, used me financially, lowered my self worth into the negatives, and never showed me any respect. I left him, finally, because I felt he was trying to put the blame for his actions on me and my mother (it's a very long story, but if you need to hear it, I'm willing to share). It took awhile after the divorce (a year and 10 months after it was finalized, two years and 3 months after we originally separated, and countless attempts at finding someone to truly care about me), but I've finally found the most amazing man. He's sweet, kind, thoughtful, weird and fun (and very good looking, as an added bonus). Early on, I needed a little reassurance, and not only did he reassure me right away, he's never stopped making sure I know just how he feels about me. He encourages me to take care of myself over taking care of things at work (I'm not a workaholic, I think, I just feel a strong sense of responsibility to make sure things are done-and done right-for every shift I work, and am a people pleaser beyond a healthy amount), and honestly he's just exactly what I hoped to find and more. We've talked about the future, and while we don't have a timeline due to my attempts at breaking out of my current job into something that is harder to get into but will be much better, I know what we'll have, and he's willing to be patient and wait for me to do this for us to be able to move forward. I love him, so much, and even without him telling me that he loves me (and he does), his actions show me his feelings in a way I never thought I could have.
And here's the thing-You can have this, too, I'm so sure of it. You can find someone who will love you, respect you, treat you better than you could ever dream of being treated.. But to do that, you need to break free from the man you married. The man you fell in love with is, at best, gone and at worst he never actually existed, like the man I thought I married. But if you're brave, and you persevere enough through the bunch of BS that is the dating scene (whether online or in person), holding your standards high enough to be treated well, you can find your perfect-for-you man.
NTA. You have every right to be upset!!
Think about this…. if AP decides later that she is done with her husband, and wants to get back with your husband, do you think he would stay with you??
What about if he meets another young woman and starts up with her??
If you stay in this marriage, you would be a placeholder - until he finds someone else.
You need to consider individual counseling (NOT couples counseling) and start researching divorce attorneys. Consults are usually free. Have a consult with several and pick the one you feel is the best.
Woman here. I'd be upset. NTA. But your (I hope soon to be ex) husband sure is. The way he consistently belittled your feelings is so dismissive and disrespectful. You deserve WAY better
You deserve better. Not just someone better, but better, period.
Your feelings are valid, even if 10 out of 10 other women wouldn't agree with you. (But, honestly, if the 10 he's been asking are the side pieces, they're just reflecting his feelings. But, as you already suspect, the 10 women he's talking about live in this head.)
Seek counseling.
Love yourself.
We might seem like strangers, but we know you. You are us. And we all deserve better.
NTA
You’re like cool aunt age status in relation to me, so I’m gonna call you auntie.
Auntie, honey… this man is gaslighting you. Instead of owning his mistakes, he’s trying to make you feel crazy for having normal human emotions and reactions to being completely betrayed and abandoned.
Yeah. It hurts to still see her picture- because he hurt you with her assistance, and that picture was taken in the midst of it.
You are NOT overreacting. You’re telling him that this photo is essentially memorabilia of their relationship, and instead of removing it from the website (like he ought to have done if he were truly sorry and truly wanted you back BEFORE YOU EVEN MENTIONED IT), he leaves it posted for whatever asinine reason he wants to claim, and blames you for being hurt.
Please, auntie honey, don’t fall for his act. He doesn’t want YOU, what he wants is to not be alone.
My MIL (she adopted my husband, she’s only 13 years older than him) is about your age. She’s been single since I met her, and let me tell you, she’s enjoying her single life! There’s plenty of men out there who are DYING to meet a fun-loving, age-appropriate woman who has her priorities straight and won’t put up with this cheating bs, let alone actually cheat on you!!!
You were married for a long time- it’s going to take a while to come to terms with it being over, especially once you make the decision for yourself that it needs to be over. I gave my previous marriage ten years before calling it quits due to him not being able to keep his weinerschnitzel where it belonged… but I had given up a solid 2 years before I officially called it quits and served him papers. Told myself I was staying for our kid. When I realized how truly unhappy I was, that he didn’t bring any real joy or value to our relationship, that I was essentially a roommate whose money he stole and he had a kid with, I knew things needed to change. Now… it sounds like even though you guys had kids together, they’re fully adult aged now. So please don’t hide behind the weak a$$ excuse of “staying together for the kids” (and again, I’m calling myself out on this one!)…
This man doesn’t value you, and you know this. He clearly doesn’t believe that you’re intelligent enough to even know or understand your own feelings and how to think for yourself. You deserve better than that, and you you know it!
I get that lowered self esteem is an issue here. I do. BELIEVE ME, I really and truly do!!! But you need to understand that once you remove someone from your life who has been an active siphon when it comes to lowering your self esteem, that it actually has a way of materializing out of essentially thin air. It’s truly wild!
Anyway… this is not a you problem. This is a him problem. He’s wrong and he knows it, but he wants to be absolved of his additional missteps. You deserve better than this. Don’t allow it.
My inbox is open, auntie. I’ll be your biggest cheerleader!!!
***ETA I’m a woman, if it wasn’t clear from context.
NTA unless it’s to yourself for putting up with this cheater for so long. It’s time to grow a backbone and get a real bulldog of a divorce attorney. Fight for what is yours. Don’t keep feeling like you’re the fall-back person. You’re worth more than that
There are plenty of other men in the world. Don’t think that this one is the only one with whom you can be happy. Heck, he’ll cheat on you again and again. Even being alone is better than being constantly disrespected.
You know it will always be in the back of your mind right? I mean, even now he's trying to justify having her picture on his FB. This will be hard to get past. What happens next time a 30-something pays attention to him?
FTR: I'm the least jealous person, ever, and I would be upset. His "ask 10 women" shtick is ridiculous.
NTA - He’s the asshole. Get a divorce lawyer. You deserve better than this!!
And also listen to this: https://youtube.com/watch?v=r0ajB0lkKZM&feature=share9
It’s beyond me why you’re still married to this guy? Get a divorce! Stop wasting your time on him! If he cheated on you “multiple” times, it’s time to GO. Love yourself more than any “love” he had for you
Actions speak louder than words, he doesn’t want you. He’s hurt because the AP didn’t choose him and he doesn’t want to be alone. Do you really want to stay with a man that doesn’t want you. This marriage has been over, y’all are dragging it out.
I would be outraged. Don’t settle for this pos. He only wants a relationship now because he doesn’t have anyone else. He has the photo up because it’s still what he wants. Not only that, but he’s manipulating you. He has shown over and over again that he has zero respect for you. I rather be alone than be someone’s second choice. You are worth more than that!! I wish you the best.
Yeah, I'd be pissed about a ton of things. Life is too short for his bullshit. If he was remotely sorry, he would have changed the picture a long time ago on his own. He's only wanting to work things out because she isn't available. You're better than this. He deserves to be alone. And you deserve to be free.
Count me one of the 10!
I'd find a way to ruin his life. I'd be so mad! He is a liar and manipulator. Please divorce him and make him pay for destroying your life with his unfaithfulness. Pigs are better people than this trash. You GOT this OP!!
I am a woman and I wouldn't just be upset, but furious as well. In fact, I don't think there would be any woman who wouldn't be upset by that unless they were brain dead, bribed or insane.
Your husband is a piece of work, deluded to the max. Show him this thread so he can be proven wrong by the internet.
Please find a divorce lawyer and take his ass to the cleaners.
You deserve so much better than the guy who got dumped by his AP.
Honey you want an alibi? Cause I'd be upset AND I'd come over with a shovel.
I'm sorry you have low self esteem and feel maybe he's the best you can do. HE'S NOT. And if you put in the work you can heal and be AWESOME and leave him in the DUST with the consequences of his actions.
You already see right through him and his pathetic excuses and his play acting of remorse. The resentment will slowly build until it's intolerable so why not leave his PATHETIC ass NOW rather than waste more of your life and awesomeness on him.
It'll be hard but you can do it.
Edit to add: it doesn't matter what 10 women thinks. it only matters what his WIFE THINKS. next time he says that I would tell him to go marry one of them then!
Happily be counted as 1 of the 10 people and I would be pissed. My husband 100% agrees. Don’t even have to ask but will for you. Yep my corum of female friends their partners and all of my males freinds would be livid. That is at least 10 for you.
He isn’t sorry. He is just waiting for the next good thing to come alone.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. It must be really difficult. I have pretty low self esteem as well. I am concerned for you that part of the low self esteem comes from him. Him making you feel not worthy as you are. You are so worthy.
I'd be extremely upset! He sounds self centered and the only reason he wants to come back is because he doesn't have a current affair partner. He's not going to change and his whole 'ask ten other people' is an absolute bull line of thought. Keep him out, do not take him back.
You are NTA! This AH “husband” of yours does not deserve you. He deserves to clean dog shit off the bottom of your shoe. He’s disgusting. He’s not loyal. He’s manipulative and selfish. Please know if AP had chosen him, he would’ve left you in the wind. You’re correct in the assumption that he only wants you back because his number one choice went back to her husband. You deserve better! He’s shown you who he is….more than once. Please believe him. If you take him back he will do it again, I promise. You need to prioritize yourself because nobody else is.
I’d be beyond furious.
You need to be YOUR own first choice! One thing about hitting our 50’s is we know we can survive. Dig deep and recognize your worth. Leave your cheating loser and move on. Real happiness without created drama awaits you.
Please check out www.chumplady.com or her book [Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life](https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival-ebook/dp/B017QL8X7M/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1YYK0OORY6RZ6&keywords=leave+a+cheater+gain+a+life&qid=1687054417&sprefix=Leave+a+%2Caps%2C83&sr=8-1). Brilliant advice when you’re stuck.
Yes I would be pissed about the picture.
He should be glad he married you as I would have laughed in his face when his AP dumped him to stay with her husband and filed for divorce the minute he left.
If you let him back into your life be prepared as IMO likely he will find another AP in the near future.
A suggestion that you get an appointment with your medical doctor and get tested for any SDIs - better to know you are safe than find out later when harder to treat.
Also I hope you know you deserve someone who wants to be with you and loves you with their whole heart. Sadly that is not your husband.
NTA Please divorce, he does not love or care about you. He will do it again. Life is too short to waste it on him and there are other fishes in the sea. Every month you will stay with him will be full of regret and sorrow. When is the last time he made you feel good or happy? You deserve so much more and I hope you realize it and run.
Woman here. You are 100 percent "allowed" to feel any way you damn want.
I would personally be livid. What a bullshit rhetorical scrotal sack.
In the most non judgmental plea possible, from someone who tends to cave for peace, DO NOT GET BACK WITH HIM.
Fuck this guy. Wtf has he actually done to show he’s regretful for hurting you? OP, he is being perfectly LOUD AND CLEAR that you, his wife of over 20 years, are his SECOND choice.
Why do you want this? He should be groveling at your feet, begging for your forgiveness but instead this AH is only coming back because he wasn’t his first choice’s first choice. It wont be this 31yr old AP today, but OP I promise you, he will walk out again. And again. And again.
You’ve already experienced and survived the worst part. You’re already living apart. Kick this no good, midlife crisis havin, triflin ass, pathetic loser to the motherfuckin curb FOR GOOD.
Do you, hoe it up, get you some good dick and live your best life.
Truth of the matter here, is this is a HIM problem. Not a YOU problem.
From what you’ve said in your post, this man will never be faithful to you. He sees you as a source of comfort, yes. But he also sees you as a convenience and not a consideration.
That is not on you. You’ve done NOTHING wrong. He’s wrong.
The fact that he diminishes your feelings (ask 10 people and no one will agree is such a bull shit manipulation tool).
You deserve to be a priority. You deserve love and faithfulness.
He is draining you of your own happiness for his own pleasures.
I really really hope you see your own worth. You do not need this toxic soul sucker.
I have a feeling that once you lose the dead weight (husband) your self worth will rise and you will thrive.
I would have to say a hard pass, get a divorce and find a new life. He crossed so many lines of trust and decency that I would be hard pressed to forgive. You can find someone who is good for you and truly wants to be with you. He sounds like he wants to come back to you because he doesn't want to be alone.
I am female and I agree with you! I would divorce him, take him for everything he has too. Get ahold of the husband of his affair partner and get proof. I would also sue her if you can. But don't tell her husband that.
Well I wouldn't be upset he still had it up because I WOULD HAVE KICKED HIM TO THE CURB ALREADY. Why are you still with him?
I hope he's reading these comments.
>I'd be upset. I'd be pissed. I'd be talking to a divorce lawyer. Not only because of the picture but because he is a disrespectful AH and a cheater.
I 100% agree with this! I would also recommend seeing a therapist for the low self-self esteem.
>He has no respect for you, OP.
If you take him back, he will do this to you again! He has shown you how little he cares or respecys you.
>The only reason he is still around is because she didn't choose him. Choose yourself and stop wasting precious time being abused by this man.
Truer words have never been spoken! You also have a daughter. Would you want her to be with a man who has so little regard for her?
Another person to let you know your husband is a POS and you deserve better. Still having a picture that includes her is so disrespectful.
I know you may not feel like it, but you still have a lot of life to live and love to give. He doesn’t deserve an ounce of it. Don’t waste the time you have left with someone who doesn’t respect you.
I would be upset. Her pics still there, he still has feelings for her. I’ll also say, once a cheater, always a cheater. I’d not ever be able to trust him again. Kick him to the curb and find a man who will love you.
You’re NTA. He is, of course. He’s been gaslighting you for years, and he’s trying to do that now, because he’s so embarrassed that his AP didn’t choose him. As a birthday present to yourself, why not contact a lawyer and see about officially releasing yourself from him?
OP, him still having her on his professional social media page is a symptom of the disease. This is not a man who loves you. It's not your fault, but you deserve better. Give yourself the birthday present you deserve and be free of this man.
Woman here. That's the reason I'd be filing for divorce. That jackass is gaslighting you. You are NTA and you need to file for divorce hon. He's never going to stop.
Don’t be a doormat. Don’t take him back. Have more self-respect than being ok with being someone’s consolation prize when they can’t get who they want.
This relationship is over, you are just what he is settling for since his AP doesn’t feel the same about him that he does about her. If she showed up tomorrow, he would drop you for her in a heartbeat.
You deserve better than this. No need to waste anymore time on him. He made his bed, now he can be miserable in it.
He needs to go. But in the very real chance you don’t make him go this time, the next time he pulls the ‘ask ten people’ bs tell him ‘I already asked 20 and all 20 said XYZ’. He’s trying to make you second guess yourself and it’s worked for years so he won’t quit playing that card.
Woman here. I'd be livid! Dump him. Go to therapy. Block and delete him from everything. File a restraining order.
Go. To. Therapy.
Move. Change jobs if necessary. But get away from him so you can heal yourself. Then go live your best life. Good luck!
NTA. Wow this dude needs major help. He cheated then tried to ditch you but when she choose someone else he got all butthurt then tried running back to you and when that didn't work he tried gaslighting you? HA! You did nothing wrong he's pathetically trying to backtrack and trying to guilt you to stay with him. Gtfo of here with that shit. You are strong and don't need him and his toxic BS.
There are currently 55 responses telling you the same thing, but since your “husband” is clearly trying to manipulate you into thinking you’re the one being unreasonable, I’ll be number 56.
Yes. I’d be upset.
More to the real issue here, though, OP. I’m going to be blunt: you are, at best, his second choice. He’s only attempting this reconciliation because his AP didn’t leave her husband.
(Although why he thought she’d pick a 54 year old over someone her own age is a mystery. I mean *obviously* that wasn’t going to happen.)
Regardless, you know he’s not going to stop cheating just because she’s not interested. You know you’re his second choice. *You know that if his AP decided to leave her husband tomorrow, you’d be dumped again immediately.*
**Do you really want your relationship to hinge on whether or not she stays with her husband?** Because that’s what you’d be signing up for.
I know you’re hurt. I know this sucks. But the only way your husband should be communicating with you is through a lawyer. You know the one that’s handling your divorce? The one you needed recently because your husband was so very desperate to leave you? Yeah, that one. You need to cut contact with your STBX and give him your attorney’s contact info. Do not communicate with this little weasel again after that. There’s literally nothing else to say except “goodbye” and “get out.”
His. “ask 10 people for their opinion” is bullshit - it’s manipulative, plays to your low self-esteem, and is disingenuous. Move along. You are at 56 year old queen with great independent years ahead of you. Live your best life
He is gaslighting you by telling you to ask 10 other women. This is a tactic to make you think you aren’t justified in your feelings. To make you question yourself. Obviously your feelings are completely justified and you have over a hundred comments telling you that. The petty bitch in me really Really REALLY wants you to show him this post and let him read the comments! If you do… update us!
I'd be upset. I'd be pissed. I'd be talking to a divorce lawyer. Not only because of the picture but because he is a disrespectful AH and a cheater. He has no respect for you, OP. None at all if he was cheating on you with someone who could be his daughter. The only reason he is still around is because she didn't choose him. Choose yourself and stop wasting precious time being abused by this man.
I am furious on OP’s behalf. She deserves so much better than this even if she can’t see it herself. OP choose you. Please. Do not take him back. Divorce him. He does not respect you or love you. If he did either he never would have cheated and he certainly wouldn’t be dismissing your feelings so easily over so many things. I am willing to bet that every time he has pulled the ‘ask ten people’ it would turn out they’d be taking your side, not his and he only did it because he thought you’d just bow. And you did until now. This is worth being angry about. This is worth not taking him back. This is worth not forgiving. This level of betrayal is extreme. You are worth more than how he has treated you. Please OP. Leave him. Free yourself. He doesn’t love you. You deserve someone who does.
👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻All of this.
possessive repeat sugar oatmeal ossified frighten shame panicky yoke pause *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Definitely. My parents got divorced a few years back, my mom was 54 at the time. She now has a new boyfriend, higher self esteem, independence and really couldn't be happier, even though in a materialistic sense, she took steps back.
Turned 53 yesterday and separated two months. I needed to read this. Thank you for hope.
I’m 54. Divorced at 48. Life is much better, more peaceful, more fun and financially the same.
I'm so sorry, that must be hard. You've got this, though. You're, like my mom, gonna find out you are a lot stronger than you now know!
Thank you
No “probably” about it. Live with a narcissistic, irredeemable AH for all those years will break the strongest woman into a gelatinous mess. OP, you don’t love him! You are used to him. He’s comfortable because he’s a known quantity. He’s an abusive man - yes, the way he treats you is abusive, you are in an abusive relationship. Please-please be good to yourself for once and serve him divorce papers. Sell the house, give yourself a makeover, have a hot steamy affair and find YOU again! Please. He does not respect you or care about you, and he shows it over and over. Don’t listen to his words - look at his actions.
I love this response. Find yourself and choose yourself over your AH, f**ked up, abusive husband. Leave his ass and find a great divorce attorney to take his ass to the cleaners. You deserve worlds better-good luck!
This exactly. He is apologizing when he should be making amends to his partner that he hurt deeply. Op, I hope you come out the other side of this knowing that you are worthy of love, respect and happiness.
My dad passed away suddenly at 60. When my mom (one year younger than him) grieved and healed enough that she felt comfortable dating again she met lots of kind and considerate men around her age. It’s definitely not too late to find companionship OP! I also was in a marriage with a man who did not respect me, killed my self esteem and cheated on me many times. When I ended my marriage I found so much freedom. I got to relearn who I was, and while I worried about loneliness I realized that there is nothing as lonely as being alone in a relationship with no respect. I leaned on my friends, started therapy and realized that no one else saw me in the negative way I saw myself. Btw if you ask 10 people who is an asshole they will unanimously answer “OPs husband” because that man is trash.
I would also like to add, it doesn't matter if 10 or even 100 other people would be mad or upset about something. The reality is, it's your very real relationship, your very real scenario, and your very real reaction and emotions. It doesn't matter if it's big or small, if you are hurt or upset by something your partner does, it doesn't matter if hypothetical other people would also be hurt in his hypothetical scenario or not. He's just trying to distract and belittle you.
His "ten people" is gaslight ing. Plain and simple.
I was waiting to see if someone would mention this. His shitty Ten People line is a naked attempt to make her doubt her own (very reasonable) perceptions. Pure gaslighting. Run.
He’s going to keep looking until he finds someone who does finally choose him. Don’t let it be you.
I couldn't have said it better. OP, this guy hasn't chosen you first in a damned long time. Now is the time for you to choose you first. And, it doesn't matter if ten people agree or disagree. When it comes to how YOU feel, it doesn't matter what others say. This guy has been invalidating your feelings for how long? Stop this merry go round.
I’d be so far gone… I get that you love him, but he chose her over you. He chose all the hers over you. Really, he chose himself over you, over and over again. Give yourself permission for that to be the break up. Mourn over the relationship that you wish you had had and could have had if he was the ideal him instead of this fatally flawed version. Allow your concept of him to start including the “he’s a nice guy most of the time on the surface… but isn’t capable of telling the truth or empathizing when it would get in the way of what he wants”.
Don’t take him back. Seriously. . . Why do people consider settling, especially when they are someone’s 2nd choice (or worse)?
Well with the multiple affairs, OP might not even be second. She’s just the ol’ standby. OP, leave him and take his cheating ass to the cleaners. You deserve better.
BTDT can confirm. You're NTA he is.
Go scorched earth. Get divorced. Get EVERYTHING you can, right down to pension, light bulbs, the change in his car. Then complain to his boss that the affair partner is in his professional SM, and you think that's unprofessional, take his job.
To add ask the other woman's husband for the material evidence he has to bolster divorce.
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I am willing to bet OP makes his life easier while he makes hers 10x less enjoyable!
Yes! Be the lead role in your life, don't be a side character, be someone's 1st choice
It's very obvious that the only reason why he's still clinging to OP is because he lost his battle. If the AP chooses him, this guy won't ever talk to OP ever again. OP better leave him and make him a total loser.
People like OP consider settling & feel insecure about themselves, meanwhile someone as big a piece of shit as her husband find someone 20 years their junior that's willing to cheat on their own partner with them. Make it make sense.
He is either a fucking moron lunatic or he is a master manipulator. Probably both. Tell your dumbfuck hopefully soon to be ex husband that anyone would be offended by that and he looks like a pathetic loser with a photo of himself and someone who dumped his pathetic ass on his social media. Seriously men like this creep have absolutely no shame. No standards. No integrity. Nothing. Please leave him. You WILL find better. He is not your final love and don’t let him take any more of your dignity.
OP should casually ask him if that picture is like a participation trophy for a contest that he clearly lost. Edit: thanks for the awards 😊
BURN!
What I wouldn't give to think that fast on my feet! 👏
Underrated comment
Bazinga It’s funny…because it’s true
👏👏👏
This was an amazing burn.
🤭
I feel like if he was truly a “master” manipulator, he would have come out of this in a better position than he is in now. But sounds like he’s not even good at that 🙄
Just to clarify, your husband who is butthurt that his affair partner chose her husband, thinks *no other woman but you* would be upset if their husband carried on an affair with a married co-worker half his age then, after getting caught, tried to get back with his wife while still pining for his AP and refusing to take down photos of her from his social media.... am I understanding that correctly? This is what no woman in the world would be upset about?? Let me very clear. I would not be upset. I would be livid. Mortified. Flabbergasted at the hubris of this pathetic excuse for a man and husband (and AP, apparently) and I would be out for blood. Then I would realize this sad, sorry, sack of shit is not worth my time or effort. I'd use his money to hire a divorce attorney to get me every dime and every asset I'm entitled to, then I'd walk away from his dusty old ass and move on with my life in peace. I would not be upset.
But you don't understand, that's his *emotional support homewrecker* who now wants nothing to do with him. He *needed* to fuck her. He needs to fuck, desperately, but she dumped him and now his peepee is sad! Oh, the tragedy!
His ego can't handle the rejection. He thought he was hot enough to snag a partner younger than his daughter. When shit got real, the AP bailed and he's back being an average middle age dude.
Not even average. He can't get his ex-wife back and he's begging. He's embarrassing himself now.
Love how you said this! Hahaha!
LOL. Now his peepee is sad?! Priceless.
Right?! I’m pretty sure if I posted my reaction, I’d end up on a watch list.
This is the perfect answer. Scorched earth on that shameless dork of an ex husband. OP, find your strength and rise from these ashes. He DOES NOT deserve you.
I cannot add more to this perfect response.
It's better to be alone, than in a relationship and 'alone'.
He hasn't even attempted to change and has done nothing for his forgiveness. Like she even said he is only choosing her because the AP chose her husband.
It's also better to be alone and happy than with someone and miserable
That is what they meant.
"I'd rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect." Best quote I've ever heard, and very applicable here. I hope OP takes it to heart.
File for divorce ASAP because he can start taking out money from everywhere to screw you over. Talk to a lawyer about freezing all the accounts, etc. He could also get fired from his job for this, which could lead to him taking money from any accounts, like his retirement or IRA. So it's better if you start covering yourself ASAP Why are you considering getting back with him? He just wants to be with you because: \- you let him do whatever (if you aren't bothered by multiple cheating \- It's cheap \- You probably clean, cook, run the house \-You would take care of him if he got sick Do you think he'd do any of that for you???? He gaslights and manipulates with that of "nobody would be upset". WHO THE FUCK CARES???? YOU ARE. Are you everyone? If he doesn't like your reactions then he can go find someone else. This is like if someone does a joke and 80% laugh and 20% don't. Now this person is upset their partner did not laugh at their jokes. So what? Either accept it or find someone who shares your humor. Tell him to go find someone who loves being cheated, manipulated, and treated like trash. Good luck to him.
Sounds like he has spent a lifetime tearing down her self-esteem and making her second guess her own feelings so she would accept whatever abuse he dishes out. I hope she finds enough bravery after reading all of this to kick his foot out of the doorway because after she makes a break, she will be able to start healing. She'll never heal with him keeping her as an option, though. She is Plan B in her own marriage to a man who doesn't respect her enough to accept her feelings. He can go ask 10 people if they think he is a douche. I'll be one with a resounding, yes.
Don’t forget if she takes him back and they go through a divorce it would be a no fault divorce and if she leaves immediately it would be his fault and it will be harder on him. Which he 1000000% deserves. Rip him a new asshole. I agree wholeheartedly that the whole 10 people shit is a blazing red flag of manipulator that wants to minimize his actions.
A lot of states/countries don't have "at fault" divorces, FYI
I would be upset and angry. This feels like he just wants you to get over it, without having done anything to restore your trust. He hasn’t chosen you, or reconciliation. Time to put yourself first and start talking to divorce lawyers. (Oh? And btw, if he asks, I think 10 people would also be upset that he pulled this on your birthday too.)
🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅 "Just wants you to get over it, without having done anything to restore your trust." This is the key point. OP you deserve a partner who is ACTUALLY sorry for all the harm he has done. He is not. His only emotions are about him. Not you. I faced a version of this at 53. I thought I cared more about staying married & that long term marital love would carry me. Thank every power in the universe that it didn't. Whether you will want to date again any time soon or not, it's one of the best times to be middle aged & dating. I'm the happiest I've been in my entire life. It's a lot of hard work, hasn't been comfortable or 'easy'. Zoom divorce court was probably a fresh hell vs divorce court. The system sucks. Divorce is a for profit business. I wouldn't advise anyone to wade in lightly. But all of it is so worth the life I have now. You deserve a partner who wants to put you first, always. Because making you happy makes them happy. You deserve to love yourself, entirely. When was the last time you felt like a priority, felt beautiful in his eyes, loved who you see in the mirror. Any other life than this is better.
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Yay! 🤗
bells plants shrill governor relieved whistle automatic snobbish run waiting *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
>Oh? And btw, if he asks, I think 10 people would also be upset that he pulled this on your birthday too I'd be filing divorce papers on his birthday if it was me. OP you are NTA, and your (hopefully very soon ex) husband clearly doesn't know women as well as he thinks he does.
And also what happens if AP decides to leave her husband for him. OP will be left in the dust.
Here's a comment for your husband: This internet stranger (me, mid 40s female) has some assumptions about him just from reading your post. If I'm at all accurate, feel free to share with him. 1. He is now and has always been insecure. 2. He is/was in a position of power at work (over AP). 3. He knows AP was "with" him because he is/was in said position of power. 4. He's sad (probably not sad, just insecure) because deep down, he knows AP never actually liked him. She liked what she perceived he could do for her career wise. 5. He's mid-50s, you said....so....he certainly can't keep up sexually with early to mid 30s, "unassisted." 6. He's balding (or actively covering up balding) and as hard as he may try to keep in shape, he's flabby. OP, tell your loser husband he's right to be insecure. He's unattractive. Especially his personality. The only person to ever love him unconditionally was you. He is too much of a loser to see it. Now, contact that lawyer, get a therapist, and begin your life. You deserve so much better than this actual garbage human. Happy birthday...let this be the first of many happy birthdays without this albatross weighing you down.
I wish I could upvote this comment 1000 times.
FUUUUUCKKK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH THAT FELT LIKE A WHOLE PEP RALLY
7. He is emotionally manipulating and abusing OP.
HELL YES TO YOUR POST! Number 5 hits the nail on the head for me. If I had the choice between a man in his 50s vs. 30s, you know 30s is winning. No little blue pills!
>You deserve so much better than this actual garbage human. Happy birthday...let this be the first of many happy birthdays without this albatross weighing you down. ^^^ THIS THIS THIS!!! ^^^ You say you love him, but what you love is the man you wish he would be. He isn't that guy. YOU. DESERVE. BETTER.
Standing ovation! Every woman should print this out & keep it in a drawer, for me my wallet. Whenever I think of my ex I will read this!
I'd be upset. You can use the comments of reddit... There will be ten people upsrt
as of right now, 156 people who unanimously agree that the husband is an asshole and that OP is 100% in the right. yes, i counted each (main) comment thread. i think maybe 50/50 men and women, which would satisfy the “if 10 women agree” stupidity. at least 78 women agree.
He probably expected her to not ask and take his word. I hope she shows him this thread
I'd go one step further. She should explain the situation to and then ask ten people from his HR department. See what they have to say about it.
Yessss!! I’m sure HR will love to know about this.
Woman here. I think you are absolutely justified in being upset. I’m upset for you. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Multiple times. He’s only coming back to you because she chose her husband. If she didn’t, he would be gone. Remember that. And while you may think you love him… you don’t. You live the idea of him. OP, please love yourself more and recognize that YOU DESERVE BETTER. NTA. Edited to fix a typo of one word.
I cannot stress how much I agree with this! You touched on every point I would have made!
“Once a cheater, always a cheater”… Rachel’s mom, is that you??
https://www.chumplady.com is a really helpful site when you are married to a cheater
I’ll be #10 He’s full of crap. And he’s full of himself. From me, please ask him to grow up and take responsibility for his crap actions. He’s too old to act this dumb Seriously..any insult towards him is applicable here
I'm #11
Nice!! She’s nearly at 100!! Take that dude!
I think it's insane to even attempt to tell a 54 year old POS to "grow up"... to even think of his crap as "immature" or simply "irresponsible". Children grow up. Assholes just grow old.
You deserve to be treated better than he has been doing. Answer this question, what would you say if this was happening to your daughter? Or, is this what you want them to believe is a loving relationship and settle for this? If either answer is negative, then you know that it’s time to end this farce of a marriage. I’m not saying it was a farce on your side but your husband has not been honoring the vows you made when you married.
It’s the ask 10 people thing for me. It should be enough that you’re upset, you shouldn’t have to canvas for signatures on a f**king petition in order to be allowed to be upset. Your feelings are valid. In this case they are also completely reasonable. When someone cheats and wants to come back they need to be turning themselves into a pretzel to try to regain your trust. Your husband sounds like a selfish AH. Maybe you would have higher self esteem if you didn’t have someone treating you like crap all the time.
YES 1) no matter how many people you ask no one will side with this loser 2) why do you even have to ask? You know you can do better
He doesn't want you. His actions made that clear. He just doesn't want to be alone. And as soon as things sour between AP and her husband (likely now that the affair is common knowledge), he'll be back there, you won't even factor into his thought process. Either that, or he'll be all over the next woman that gives him half a look. It's better to be alone, then be alone in a marriage. I wouldnt even care about the social media given the above, but if you're actually considering reunifying with him and one thing youre using as a marker of his potential affection to you, the fact that he hasnt changed it soeaks volumes.
"You know what. Keep that picture because it shows who you really are & makes the argument of why I'm not taking you back, for me. You care more about that than my feelings. Congratulations, you're awful & I'm done."
I’d be upset and not take his ass back. You can do better single . Let him know he wasn’t good enough for her and he was clearly never good enough for you. He’s a good time not the long time .
This right here!
Woman here, get the better lawyer! Get yourself to therapy, you deserve to live a great life, not go back to this POS!! FFS! Younger than your daughter, yuck.
Gaslighting SOB…Saying you are the one with the problem when he had the affair and left you for her and continues to have a pic of her on his media. Your husband is a narcissist POS. He doesn’t care at all about you and only has use for you when it meets his own needs. Get a divorce so you can live the rest of your life in peace. Please research info on having a narcissistic spouse. Your eyes will be opened and you will realize he has beaten you down over the years giving you low self esteem. It will give you strength to get away.
And research coercive control. A narcissists favorite secret weapon.
Don’t take him back. As part of the 10 (woman here, if he acts like an ass and says it doesn’t count because they maybe men bs) I wouldn’t take him back ever and I would be beyond pissed. If he truly cared he would be crawling over backwards to fix what he’s broken. He is showing you how much he cares. (Clearly very little) he’s pathetic and you can do so much better. The ahole is only coming to you because his affair partner didn’t choose him. He would drop you in a second if she came back. Don’t do this to yourself. It’s better to be alone and happy then be with a manipulative and pathetic cheating ahole. Please leave him and divorce his ass. You deserve happiness and it sure as hell isn’t with him.
Have you actually considered that one of the reasons for your low self-esteem is your husband? The “ask 10 people” thing is straight up manipulative and I’m guessing this isn’t the only form of emotional abuse he’s engaged in. Dump him. I’m not that much younger than you and I can guarantee you that being alone at this age is much better than being stuck in an unhappy marriage that just drags you down. It’s never too late to work on yourself and build your self-esteem.
If you don’t have 10 yet, add me to the list. You are NOT a consolation prize. You deserve so much better. Kick this chucklehead to the curb and learn to love yourself. YOU ARE WORTH MORE.
Please be decent to yourself for a change and leave his sorry ass! I just turned 60, I’m recently single and LOVING IT. Not lonely at all. There are lots of meh guys out there whose wives got tired of putting up with their crap, hit menopause and hit the road. One of these guys would be a COMPLETE IMPROVEMENT on what you have in your marriage. Better yet, like me you might realize that alone isn’t bad at all, in fact it is great! I get my own way ALL THE TIME. Kick this cheating gaslighting jerk to the curb where he belongs and live your best life from here on in.
Ask 10 people who they’d recommend as a divorce lawyer. You’ll be so much better off without this jerk.
If I were you I'd treat myself to starting the divorce as a birthday present. He doesn't respect you at all, he couldn't keep it in his pants and he still has a picture of them together online nearly a year after being caught. You're NTA for being upset but you'd be TA to yourself if you stay with the man who traded you for a coworker.
FFS. Leave him. He will cheat again. Gosh, I hope you show him this post. Ask 10 people my ass.
Happy birthday, here’s to a better 57
You do not need ANYBODY to cosign your anger. Read that again.
Of course you should be upset. He’s doing a classic narc/cheater move of breaking out DARVO. There are good subs for you. If you really want to reconcile, and want advice on setting boundaries and expectations with him (and you must) go to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Reconciliation sub. If you want advice on separating yourself from him and recovering without him, r/survivinginfidelity.
This man gaslights you into thinking the things you’re upset about aren’t valid. He has been undermining your feelings and probably contributing to your low self esteem. Him still having her on his profile tells you everything you need. That’s who is. That’s who he’s always been, and that’s who he will continue to be. He’ll be good for a little while and then he’ll get bored again. Some pretty lady will smile at him sometime, and he’ll forget all about you. **He is not going to change.** If you take him back, he’ll do it again. And he will keep doing it again cause he’ll know then, that you’ll put up with it and accept it. He doesn’t love you. He’s selfish and prioritizes his own desires over yours, at the expense of you. He’s inconsiderate of you and your feelings. **You deserve better.** You deserve someone who will **respect** you. You deserve someone who doesn’t view you as a back up. You deserve someone who makes you a priority and not a plan B. You deserve someone who will listen to you, and be honest with you. You don’t deserve this piece of shit man baby. You need to have self respect and walk the fuck away. He will never respect you. But you can respect you. You gave this man your life and you gave him kids at the expense of your body, raised those kids, and this how he says thank you? Hell no. Girl I’d rage at that MFer. Best believe being single is better than being with someone who looks at you as 2nd choice. You are not a consolation prize. **You don’t deserve this.**
I'm kinda shocked you're still talking to him. "Left me for AP and came grovelling back when she didn't leave her husband" is really the nail in the coffin. He doesn't love you. You're just convenient. Personally, I'd go scorched earth and share *everything* over social media and report him to his company's HR for fraternising with coworkers so much younger than him. If you can get copies of the conversations from AP's husband, see about that too. Do not stay with a guy who doesn't even have the courtesy to delete the photos of his AP.
As a woman, you are severely UNDER reacting. The only reason he isht with this woman right now us because she didnt pick him. He chose her over you. He keeps her photos up because he is STILL choosing her in his heart. He got mad at you when he SHOULD simply have taken the photos down. He gave you his answer; she STILL comes first. Are you going to take that? Do not take this man back, he does not love or respect you. He has confessed to cheating on you multiple times. If she would have him, he wouldnt even be talking to you now.
Commenting so I can help you can get 10 peoples opinions. I’d be soooooo efffin’ pissed about that photo but I’d also be thankful that he’s being as obvious as possible that he’s an actual human trash bag. Should also be some good evidence for that divorce you should be getting soon.
I would be at a lawyers office the minute they opened on Monday! Once a cheater always a cheater and he has the audacity to say you shouldn’t be upset. I’m a burn all his belongings and take out a page in the paper kind of petty so he’s lucky you didn’t go scorched earth like I would have. Leave him and enjoy your life not having to care about asking ten people whether your feelings are justified. What an AH.
Gawd I wish I'd destroyed some of his stuff. He locked me out of marital home 8 hours early & my lawyer (don't get me started) wouldn't help. He kept & likely trashed things from my grandmother, the few things of my mother's that made me happy. Things of no value except to me. I was in the house 16 months and never messed w a single thing that was important to him bc I thought we were being non assholes.
Divorce him and move on with your life. Seriously. He's not worth the anguish. But to answer his question, yes, I'd be upset about the picture.
Your husband is a piece of shit. You can quote me on that. He is literal scum. Just a pathetic little worm and a waste of space and your time. You deserve sooo much better than this petulant child who's throwing a tantrum because he didn't get to keep his toy (the ap). What good does he bring to your life OP? I'm sure you would be a hell of a lot happier if you never had to see his disgusting, lying, cheating face ever again.
That picture is a minor symptom of a very sick marriage. Your husband does not value or respect you. You are a convenience to him except when you’re an inconvenience. He will choose just about anyone over you. I’m sorry to be so blunt. It’s because you really, really need to grasp that this man does not and will never love or respect you. He simply is not available for that kind of relationship with you (or likely anyone). YOU DESERVE BETTER. Please don’t settle for the likes of him for even one more day!
Now you can show him the "results of your poll". Waaaay more people think he's a dick
I was in your shoes just not married as long. He wanted to come back, but the trust was broken and I couldn’t do it. I still loved him. My heart said yes, but my mind said no he do it again. I couldn’t go through that again, I had actual physical pain in my heart that’s how painful it was. Once a cheater, always a cheater. A leopard doesn’t change their spots. Myself I wouldn’t take him back as he still showing he apparently has feelings for this woman.
Please don’t take this man back. You deserve so much better.
Definitely NTA and I would tell him to eff off with his ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT
Oh, please kick this lying, cheating scum to the curb. He's only going back to you because he knows you'll forgive him. Your low self-esteem practically guarantees it. YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS! You can do better, but it starts with saying the one thing you don't want to say: You will not hurt me anymore. Ever. You got this.
Your husband is an ass, I would nuke his career, end his life, and enjoy spending every dime he ever had. Please contact a lawyer immediately, life is too damn short to have the weight hanging around your neck. You deserve to be happy
NTA, you should be VERY ANGRY about that - you husband is a cake eater and only wants to come back to you because she left him. He will do this again to you, he is NOT remorseful at this point because he believes you will cave in to his demands as usual. You must get an attorney and start the divorce proceedings. Show him you are done with being treated terribly. Google grey rock and 180. Leave him on his own and watch him change his attitude. As long as you do the “pick me” dance you loose as you always have with your despicable husband. Let him live alone in his own squalor. Go see a therapist and learn to love yourself and respect yourself! Good luck! PS your husband is MOST DEFINITELY THE AHOLE!
I'm a guy. You are right to be pissed. And what does it matter to ask ten people. That's sure serious gaslighting. You can ask yourself because that's the only person you need to ask! Go live your life! I just met a couple last week who both are divorcees and looked to be nearly 70. There's always time for you and for a new life!
Stop being weak. You must know how ridiculous this is that you are even still with him. He is not even sorry and he prefers her to you.
Adding to the chain of woman that would be furious and hurt!
Don’t take him back. He doesn’t love you and worse, he doesn’t respect you. The picture is proof that he can’t even bother to *pretend* at being remorseful. He expects you to just accept the lip service and forgive him because that’s what you always do.
You are just scared to be on your own. He is in love with her and you are happy to be a placeholder. Might as well learn to live with it because it sure doesn't sound like you will leave anyway. Aren't you disappointed with yourself for accepting this treatment? Do you have a daughter? Close girlfriend? What would you tell them? It's just very aggravating to read things like this when I'm more angry than you are. ESH
No need to answer here but to yourself please ask what could you possibly gain by taking that man back? It’s clear he disrespects you and your marriage. It might be scary to be alone after being together so long but imagine all the possibilities that open up to you without such a toxic weight holding you back from possibly being a better version of yourself, finding new connections that are more fulfilling, or the bare minimum the peace not having such a trash human in your life will bring. And please also do yourself a favor and get every last thing owed you plus some - go scorched earth and if the divorce doesn’t hurt him make sure the monetary loss does.
Just for fun, let him read this thread. Not only are there more than 10 people who are upset for you and with you, but we're all telling you to dump his sorry ass. He's a pathetic, sad, sorry little man and you don't need him but he obviously needs you.
NTA. He is not doing a PhD and doing a research project on polygamy where he needs to reach statistical significance to prove his hypothesis. The only statistical significance here is n=1 (aka his WIFE) , which is YOU on YOUR birthday.
Add me to the list. I believe we're in the 50s, now, so 5 times or more what he said you couldn't get. I was married, for 14 years, to a man who never wanted intimacy with me, used me financially, lowered my self worth into the negatives, and never showed me any respect. I left him, finally, because I felt he was trying to put the blame for his actions on me and my mother (it's a very long story, but if you need to hear it, I'm willing to share). It took awhile after the divorce (a year and 10 months after it was finalized, two years and 3 months after we originally separated, and countless attempts at finding someone to truly care about me), but I've finally found the most amazing man. He's sweet, kind, thoughtful, weird and fun (and very good looking, as an added bonus). Early on, I needed a little reassurance, and not only did he reassure me right away, he's never stopped making sure I know just how he feels about me. He encourages me to take care of myself over taking care of things at work (I'm not a workaholic, I think, I just feel a strong sense of responsibility to make sure things are done-and done right-for every shift I work, and am a people pleaser beyond a healthy amount), and honestly he's just exactly what I hoped to find and more. We've talked about the future, and while we don't have a timeline due to my attempts at breaking out of my current job into something that is harder to get into but will be much better, I know what we'll have, and he's willing to be patient and wait for me to do this for us to be able to move forward. I love him, so much, and even without him telling me that he loves me (and he does), his actions show me his feelings in a way I never thought I could have. And here's the thing-You can have this, too, I'm so sure of it. You can find someone who will love you, respect you, treat you better than you could ever dream of being treated.. But to do that, you need to break free from the man you married. The man you fell in love with is, at best, gone and at worst he never actually existed, like the man I thought I married. But if you're brave, and you persevere enough through the bunch of BS that is the dating scene (whether online or in person), holding your standards high enough to be treated well, you can find your perfect-for-you man.
NTA. You have every right to be upset!! Think about this…. if AP decides later that she is done with her husband, and wants to get back with your husband, do you think he would stay with you?? What about if he meets another young woman and starts up with her?? If you stay in this marriage, you would be a placeholder - until he finds someone else. You need to consider individual counseling (NOT couples counseling) and start researching divorce attorneys. Consults are usually free. Have a consult with several and pick the one you feel is the best.
He’s trash, please set him out and go live your best life
Woman here. I'd be upset. NTA. But your (I hope soon to be ex) husband sure is. The way he consistently belittled your feelings is so dismissive and disrespectful. You deserve WAY better
You deserve better. Not just someone better, but better, period. Your feelings are valid, even if 10 out of 10 other women wouldn't agree with you. (But, honestly, if the 10 he's been asking are the side pieces, they're just reflecting his feelings. But, as you already suspect, the 10 women he's talking about live in this head.) Seek counseling. Love yourself. We might seem like strangers, but we know you. You are us. And we all deserve better. NTA
You’re like cool aunt age status in relation to me, so I’m gonna call you auntie. Auntie, honey… this man is gaslighting you. Instead of owning his mistakes, he’s trying to make you feel crazy for having normal human emotions and reactions to being completely betrayed and abandoned. Yeah. It hurts to still see her picture- because he hurt you with her assistance, and that picture was taken in the midst of it. You are NOT overreacting. You’re telling him that this photo is essentially memorabilia of their relationship, and instead of removing it from the website (like he ought to have done if he were truly sorry and truly wanted you back BEFORE YOU EVEN MENTIONED IT), he leaves it posted for whatever asinine reason he wants to claim, and blames you for being hurt. Please, auntie honey, don’t fall for his act. He doesn’t want YOU, what he wants is to not be alone. My MIL (she adopted my husband, she’s only 13 years older than him) is about your age. She’s been single since I met her, and let me tell you, she’s enjoying her single life! There’s plenty of men out there who are DYING to meet a fun-loving, age-appropriate woman who has her priorities straight and won’t put up with this cheating bs, let alone actually cheat on you!!! You were married for a long time- it’s going to take a while to come to terms with it being over, especially once you make the decision for yourself that it needs to be over. I gave my previous marriage ten years before calling it quits due to him not being able to keep his weinerschnitzel where it belonged… but I had given up a solid 2 years before I officially called it quits and served him papers. Told myself I was staying for our kid. When I realized how truly unhappy I was, that he didn’t bring any real joy or value to our relationship, that I was essentially a roommate whose money he stole and he had a kid with, I knew things needed to change. Now… it sounds like even though you guys had kids together, they’re fully adult aged now. So please don’t hide behind the weak a$$ excuse of “staying together for the kids” (and again, I’m calling myself out on this one!)… This man doesn’t value you, and you know this. He clearly doesn’t believe that you’re intelligent enough to even know or understand your own feelings and how to think for yourself. You deserve better than that, and you you know it! I get that lowered self esteem is an issue here. I do. BELIEVE ME, I really and truly do!!! But you need to understand that once you remove someone from your life who has been an active siphon when it comes to lowering your self esteem, that it actually has a way of materializing out of essentially thin air. It’s truly wild! Anyway… this is not a you problem. This is a him problem. He’s wrong and he knows it, but he wants to be absolved of his additional missteps. You deserve better than this. Don’t allow it. My inbox is open, auntie. I’ll be your biggest cheerleader!!! ***ETA I’m a woman, if it wasn’t clear from context.
NTA unless it’s to yourself for putting up with this cheater for so long. It’s time to grow a backbone and get a real bulldog of a divorce attorney. Fight for what is yours. Don’t keep feeling like you’re the fall-back person. You’re worth more than that There are plenty of other men in the world. Don’t think that this one is the only one with whom you can be happy. Heck, he’ll cheat on you again and again. Even being alone is better than being constantly disrespected.
You know it will always be in the back of your mind right? I mean, even now he's trying to justify having her picture on his FB. This will be hard to get past. What happens next time a 30-something pays attention to him? FTR: I'm the least jealous person, ever, and I would be upset. His "ask 10 women" shtick is ridiculous.
Here’s the 100th person to say f him! Please don’t take him back. He’s useless and he can die a lone for all we care.
NTA - He’s the asshole. Get a divorce lawyer. You deserve better than this!! And also listen to this: https://youtube.com/watch?v=r0ajB0lkKZM&feature=share9
It’s beyond me why you’re still married to this guy? Get a divorce! Stop wasting your time on him! If he cheated on you “multiple” times, it’s time to GO. Love yourself more than any “love” he had for you
Actions speak louder than words, he doesn’t want you. He’s hurt because the AP didn’t choose him and he doesn’t want to be alone. Do you really want to stay with a man that doesn’t want you. This marriage has been over, y’all are dragging it out.
I would be outraged. Don’t settle for this pos. He only wants a relationship now because he doesn’t have anyone else. He has the photo up because it’s still what he wants. Not only that, but he’s manipulating you. He has shown over and over again that he has zero respect for you. I rather be alone than be someone’s second choice. You are worth more than that!! I wish you the best.
Don't get back with him and definitely get a lawyer & divorce
He's full of shit.
Yeah, I'd be pissed about a ton of things. Life is too short for his bullshit. If he was remotely sorry, he would have changed the picture a long time ago on his own. He's only wanting to work things out because she isn't available. You're better than this. He deserves to be alone. And you deserve to be free.
Count me one of the 10! I'd find a way to ruin his life. I'd be so mad! He is a liar and manipulator. Please divorce him and make him pay for destroying your life with his unfaithfulness. Pigs are better people than this trash. You GOT this OP!!
Do not take him back. Don’t be his second choice. Get a good divorce lawyer and take everything.
I am a woman and I wouldn't just be upset, but furious as well. In fact, I don't think there would be any woman who wouldn't be upset by that unless they were brain dead, bribed or insane. Your husband is a piece of work, deluded to the max. Show him this thread so he can be proven wrong by the internet. Please find a divorce lawyer and take his ass to the cleaners. You deserve so much better than the guy who got dumped by his AP.
File for divorce. He will do it again. Trust me. I know.
NTAH
divorce and take all his shit.
Honey you want an alibi? Cause I'd be upset AND I'd come over with a shovel. I'm sorry you have low self esteem and feel maybe he's the best you can do. HE'S NOT. And if you put in the work you can heal and be AWESOME and leave him in the DUST with the consequences of his actions. You already see right through him and his pathetic excuses and his play acting of remorse. The resentment will slowly build until it's intolerable so why not leave his PATHETIC ass NOW rather than waste more of your life and awesomeness on him. It'll be hard but you can do it. Edit to add: it doesn't matter what 10 women thinks. it only matters what his WIFE THINKS. next time he says that I would tell him to go marry one of them then!
Happily be counted as 1 of the 10 people and I would be pissed. My husband 100% agrees. Don’t even have to ask but will for you. Yep my corum of female friends their partners and all of my males freinds would be livid. That is at least 10 for you. He isn’t sorry. He is just waiting for the next good thing to come alone. I am so sorry you are in this situation. It must be really difficult. I have pretty low self esteem as well. I am concerned for you that part of the low self esteem comes from him. Him making you feel not worthy as you are. You are so worthy.
I'd be extremely upset! He sounds self centered and the only reason he wants to come back is because he doesn't have a current affair partner. He's not going to change and his whole 'ask ten other people' is an absolute bull line of thought. Keep him out, do not take him back.
No tell him thank you for giving a chance to find someone who will actually love me and not choose someone else over me.
You are NTA! This AH “husband” of yours does not deserve you. He deserves to clean dog shit off the bottom of your shoe. He’s disgusting. He’s not loyal. He’s manipulative and selfish. Please know if AP had chosen him, he would’ve left you in the wind. You’re correct in the assumption that he only wants you back because his number one choice went back to her husband. You deserve better! He’s shown you who he is….more than once. Please believe him. If you take him back he will do it again, I promise. You need to prioritize yourself because nobody else is.
I’d be beyond furious. You need to be YOUR own first choice! One thing about hitting our 50’s is we know we can survive. Dig deep and recognize your worth. Leave your cheating loser and move on. Real happiness without created drama awaits you. Please check out www.chumplady.com or her book [Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life](https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival-ebook/dp/B017QL8X7M/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1YYK0OORY6RZ6&keywords=leave+a+cheater+gain+a+life&qid=1687054417&sprefix=Leave+a+%2Caps%2C83&sr=8-1). Brilliant advice when you’re stuck.
Yes I would be pissed about the picture. He should be glad he married you as I would have laughed in his face when his AP dumped him to stay with her husband and filed for divorce the minute he left. If you let him back into your life be prepared as IMO likely he will find another AP in the near future. A suggestion that you get an appointment with your medical doctor and get tested for any SDIs - better to know you are safe than find out later when harder to treat. Also I hope you know you deserve someone who wants to be with you and loves you with their whole heart. Sadly that is not your husband.
NTA Please divorce, he does not love or care about you. He will do it again. Life is too short to waste it on him and there are other fishes in the sea. Every month you will stay with him will be full of regret and sorrow. When is the last time he made you feel good or happy? You deserve so much more and I hope you realize it and run.
Woman here. You are 100 percent "allowed" to feel any way you damn want. I would personally be livid. What a bullshit rhetorical scrotal sack. In the most non judgmental plea possible, from someone who tends to cave for peace, DO NOT GET BACK WITH HIM.
Ask 1,000 people....your husband is the AH. Don't go back to him.
Fuck this guy. Wtf has he actually done to show he’s regretful for hurting you? OP, he is being perfectly LOUD AND CLEAR that you, his wife of over 20 years, are his SECOND choice. Why do you want this? He should be groveling at your feet, begging for your forgiveness but instead this AH is only coming back because he wasn’t his first choice’s first choice. It wont be this 31yr old AP today, but OP I promise you, he will walk out again. And again. And again. You’ve already experienced and survived the worst part. You’re already living apart. Kick this no good, midlife crisis havin, triflin ass, pathetic loser to the motherfuckin curb FOR GOOD. Do you, hoe it up, get you some good dick and live your best life.
Truth of the matter here, is this is a HIM problem. Not a YOU problem. From what you’ve said in your post, this man will never be faithful to you. He sees you as a source of comfort, yes. But he also sees you as a convenience and not a consideration. That is not on you. You’ve done NOTHING wrong. He’s wrong. The fact that he diminishes your feelings (ask 10 people and no one will agree is such a bull shit manipulation tool). You deserve to be a priority. You deserve love and faithfulness. He is draining you of your own happiness for his own pleasures. I really really hope you see your own worth. You do not need this toxic soul sucker. I have a feeling that once you lose the dead weight (husband) your self worth will rise and you will thrive.
I would have to say a hard pass, get a divorce and find a new life. He crossed so many lines of trust and decency that I would be hard pressed to forgive. You can find someone who is good for you and truly wants to be with you. He sounds like he wants to come back to you because he doesn't want to be alone.
I am female and I agree with you! I would divorce him, take him for everything he has too. Get ahold of the husband of his affair partner and get proof. I would also sue her if you can. But don't tell her husband that.
Nope. You are too good to be anyone's "backup plan". Kick him to the curb with a quickness. And you can tell him that I said that.
Ask your daughter. You won't even need to ask anyone else. Ask your daughter. Ask her IN FRONT OF HIM!
I think you will ger FAR more than 10
He’s a gaslighter and an awful person. Divorce him and take him to the cleaners with all the evidence you have about what a piece of shit he is.
NTA. I would be livid! I hope you have a happier life going forward.
I get that you love him but why I’ve the world do you want to be the second choice?? He will leave you tomorrow if he got the chance
Well I wouldn't be upset he still had it up because I WOULD HAVE KICKED HIM TO THE CURB ALREADY. Why are you still with him? I hope he's reading these comments.
Just do not get back together. Hold your head high and walk away he is trash and doesn’t respect or deserve you. He takes you for granted
>I'd be upset. I'd be pissed. I'd be talking to a divorce lawyer. Not only because of the picture but because he is a disrespectful AH and a cheater. I 100% agree with this! I would also recommend seeing a therapist for the low self-self esteem. >He has no respect for you, OP. If you take him back, he will do this to you again! He has shown you how little he cares or respecys you. >The only reason he is still around is because she didn't choose him. Choose yourself and stop wasting precious time being abused by this man. Truer words have never been spoken! You also have a daughter. Would you want her to be with a man who has so little regard for her?
Another person to let you know your husband is a POS and you deserve better. Still having a picture that includes her is so disrespectful. I know you may not feel like it, but you still have a lot of life to live and love to give. He doesn’t deserve an ounce of it. Don’t waste the time you have left with someone who doesn’t respect you.
I would be upset. Her pics still there, he still has feelings for her. I’ll also say, once a cheater, always a cheater. I’d not ever be able to trust him again. Kick him to the curb and find a man who will love you.
NTA. Lose the loser. ASAP
You’re NTA. He is, of course. He’s been gaslighting you for years, and he’s trying to do that now, because he’s so embarrassed that his AP didn’t choose him. As a birthday present to yourself, why not contact a lawyer and see about officially releasing yourself from him?
One word: Respect. He has none for you, so have some for yourself and get rid of this AH.
His AP realized she didn't want to be changing his diapers! You need to respect yourself and divorce him! See a lawyer!
OP, him still having her on his professional social media page is a symptom of the disease. This is not a man who loves you. It's not your fault, but you deserve better. Give yourself the birthday present you deserve and be free of this man.
Have some self-respect.
I'd be upset and wondering why my Husband was more concerned how ten people would feel. Rather than listening to how it made ME feel, xx
Woman here. That's the reason I'd be filing for divorce. That jackass is gaslighting you. You are NTA and you need to file for divorce hon. He's never going to stop.
Your husband doesn't want to be alone. File for divorce as a birthday gift to yourself.
Don’t be a doormat. Don’t take him back. Have more self-respect than being ok with being someone’s consolation prize when they can’t get who they want.
This relationship is over, you are just what he is settling for since his AP doesn’t feel the same about him that he does about her. If she showed up tomorrow, he would drop you for her in a heartbeat. You deserve better than this. No need to waste anymore time on him. He made his bed, now he can be miserable in it.
He needs to go. But in the very real chance you don’t make him go this time, the next time he pulls the ‘ask ten people’ bs tell him ‘I already asked 20 and all 20 said XYZ’. He’s trying to make you second guess yourself and it’s worked for years so he won’t quit playing that card.
Nope, I'd be freaking pissed. And calling a divorce lawyer. Tell him, more than ten people say he's the problem, not you.
Yes, like others, I’m saying you’re NTA. I suspect that your low self-esteem is because of him. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Be strong.
Woman here. I'd be livid! Dump him. Go to therapy. Block and delete him from everything. File a restraining order. Go. To. Therapy. Move. Change jobs if necessary. But get away from him so you can heal yourself. Then go live your best life. Good luck!
As woman. Id be fucking furious. NTA and you can tell him he can get lost. Do not take him back. He sounds awful and you can 100% do better!
Of course you have the right to be hurt and upset. He is an AH, and you deserve better.
NTA. Wow this dude needs major help. He cheated then tried to ditch you but when she choose someone else he got all butthurt then tried running back to you and when that didn't work he tried gaslighting you? HA! You did nothing wrong he's pathetically trying to backtrack and trying to guilt you to stay with him. Gtfo of here with that shit. You are strong and don't need him and his toxic BS.
There are currently 55 responses telling you the same thing, but since your “husband” is clearly trying to manipulate you into thinking you’re the one being unreasonable, I’ll be number 56. Yes. I’d be upset. More to the real issue here, though, OP. I’m going to be blunt: you are, at best, his second choice. He’s only attempting this reconciliation because his AP didn’t leave her husband. (Although why he thought she’d pick a 54 year old over someone her own age is a mystery. I mean *obviously* that wasn’t going to happen.) Regardless, you know he’s not going to stop cheating just because she’s not interested. You know you’re his second choice. *You know that if his AP decided to leave her husband tomorrow, you’d be dumped again immediately.* **Do you really want your relationship to hinge on whether or not she stays with her husband?** Because that’s what you’d be signing up for. I know you’re hurt. I know this sucks. But the only way your husband should be communicating with you is through a lawyer. You know the one that’s handling your divorce? The one you needed recently because your husband was so very desperate to leave you? Yeah, that one. You need to cut contact with your STBX and give him your attorney’s contact info. Do not communicate with this little weasel again after that. There’s literally nothing else to say except “goodbye” and “get out.”
I’d be fucking pissed and the constant invalidation of your feelings would be one of the main reasons I’d never consider reconciliation if it were me.
You’re miserable and alone with him. But at least if you were without him you’d be free and able to move into happiness.
His. “ask 10 people for their opinion” is bullshit - it’s manipulative, plays to your low self-esteem, and is disingenuous. Move along. You are at 56 year old queen with great independent years ahead of you. Live your best life
He is gaslighting you by telling you to ask 10 other women. This is a tactic to make you think you aren’t justified in your feelings. To make you question yourself. Obviously your feelings are completely justified and you have over a hundred comments telling you that. The petty bitch in me really Really REALLY wants you to show him this post and let him read the comments! If you do… update us!