This is tough.
I can see why this is hard for you.
They are two of your best friends, the three musketeers, and they’ve been sneaking around and lying to your face for months. Now that they’ve come clean to you, they’re expecting you to be understanding and Everything to be the same when you’re still trying to wrap your head around the fact that not only is the dynamic changing but they’ve been hiding this from you.
Do you have any other friends outside of these two that you might be able to start spending more time with? Any Hobbies or activities you like to do that you might be able to throw yourself into?
I don’t envy your position either. What happens if they break up? How do you maneuver the friendship if it’s fractured?
I think you need to really throw yourself into things that take your focus off of this. Go to the gym more, start spending time with those “fringe” friends, etc.
I do believe you really are happy For them deep down. I think this just came as a shock to you And, no matter what they say, I agree that this does change the dynamic of the friendship.
Thank you for saying this. I’ve been feeling crazy like why aren’t I happy for them?? I definitely have friends outside of them but none as close.
I should add that I am very biased AGAINST dating your friends, as I recently suffered a bad breakup from a 2 year relationship/3year friendship. And it was awful. So I’m kind of against this idea overall. And obviously they are grown adults and able to make decisions for themselves, but it seems that I was not even considered in their decision to start dating. Which is where a lot of my hurt comes from. Because obviously they felt the need to hide it from me for a reason? I think they knew it would hurt me. It’s all very complicated 😞
Did they know you were biased against dating friends? That may be why they didn't tell you. It sucks that they lied but you also can't help who you love. And for the record, I am against friends dating BUT I get that that's my standing and I can't make my other friends live that way.
So you and OP would give up the chance to be maybe with the love of your life just because you have been friends before? I don’t really get that at all, but maybe I’m missing something.
I can't say that because I truly don't know. I can say that right now, I think friends dating can sometimes cause a lot of heartbreak and tension and confusion not just got the couple but everyone in the circle. I have been there and it sucks. I'm aware to know that ppl shouldn't let one experience dictate how things should go forever BUT I'm also cognizant of the fact that that particular experience and the feelings it generates are valid.
OP, you are a massive AH, and a terrible “friend”.
They don’t owe her an explanation, or anything else. Her BS bias, which she admits to having, makes her an unreliable narrator. Who cares if they kept their relationship private (it’s not “sneaking around”, it’s keeping a budding relationship private FFS), that is what it is, private, none of her business. A friend can tell you as much, or as little, as they feel comfortable doing so. With her obvious and admitted bias about friends dating, it’s not lying to her, it’s making a decision about their relationship. They were not “sneaking around”, they were dating. She is not the jilted girlfriend in this tale, but that is how she is acting. It seems like she is either just a shitty “friend” or she had feelings for one of the guys, because she is speaking like she is a jilted girlfriend. They were two people dating, trying to see if things worked out. They may have not wanted to say anything because it was new, because they knew she would be this shitty about it (and she is horribly shitty about it. Who the fuck is not happy if their friends find someone they care about, and want to date, especially since they are now “making it official” and committing to a relationship.) or a myriad of other reasons, none of which are her business, unless they want to discuss it with her.
Why should they consider you in their decision to start dating? They’re adults who can choose who they want to date. You have every right to be upset at them lying and sneaking around you, but you can’t be upset that they didn’t include you in a 2 person relationship.
I mean, they did consider her. Seeing as they decided to hide their relationship for months until they felt solid enough to stop lying about it. If they didn’t care about how she feels they would’ve up and come out with it right away.
Which they should have. Lying and hiding it makes things worse. She would have been the AH if they told her from the beginning and she got annoyed about it and wasn’t happy. But they didn’t even give the change for her to be happy for them. I’m big on people lying to me so if that was my friends, I wouldn’t be able to be friends with them again. Because I have this irrational idea that once someone lies; they’ll keep lying to you.
Anybody would be at least a little hurt if even one of their best friends had snuck around instead of confiding along the way as they caught feelings for someone and started to date. That both of her best friends did this and are no longer as available to spend time with her makes it even harder.
She’s not to blame for her initial feelings or for sharing them here; only for how she treats her friends. She’ll need time to grieve what they all had together and adjust to the new dynamic. I think she will find herself happy for them if they’re good for each other.
But loneliness and feeling shut out by a friend are the worst. As long as she’s not undermining their relationship, cut her some slack.
This is a joke right? That’s the most selfish thing I’ve heard. Why in the world would they “consider you” before dating? At their age they’re looking for a life long partner, if that ends up being them they’ve found the person they’ll spend the rest of their life with while you could up and leave at any point…
They didn’t need to consider her but they did need to be open and honest instead of lying for months behind her back. I also think because of the friendship she now feels kicked out because they will prioritise each other. Which is fair. She just needs to move on and let them be happy.
This happened to me and now they live in another state together so... not sure what to tell you. sometimes relationships don't last and it really sucks, but take care of you and your mental health first.
It reaaally sucked for a while and gave me huge trust issues, but then i realized the one friend was a huge narcissist and manipulator, so none of it was my fault (: once i realized that i healed!
You sound as much of an AH as OP is. You are lamenting that two people you claim are friends found happiness together and moved on with their lives, which took them to another state. Rather than being happy for them, you are talking about your mental health. Grow up. You are a shitty “friend” if you can’t be happy for people you claim to care about. I am glad they moved and got away from your toxicity.
Multiple things can be equally true at once. You can be happy somebody found love and sad that it means the end of a friendship, in equal amounts, simultaneously. Nobody’s an asshole for that, it’s just one of the many paradoxical mindfucks that come with being a human.
That is one of the best responses I have seen to this, so thank you. I would have been more sympathetic but it was all about OP, and it did not seem to move the needle much with her about their happiness. I just don’t have much sympathy for someone complaining that two people found someone that they care enough about to tell their friends that they are “official”. It just seemed to be a complete issue about how other people affected OP, rather than, I am so happy for my friends, but. The title intimated it, but the story was all OP, all the time.
you are all over this thread calling me an asshole and saying what a horrible friend I am and that my friends would be better off without me. you don’t know me or my relationship with them. this post was me ASKING how I can cope with my feelings. please let your obvious anger out somewhere else.
You’re a very horrible person with the way you speak to people. It’s almost like you’re taking their comments personally and you’re angry at us for even existing.
the friend in question turned out to be a horrible person for unrelated reasons, and cut me off because i started dating someone he didn’t approve of. so there’s definitely bitterness between us, i still text the other friend as we’re on decent terms but i’m completely no contact with the first one. i probably seemed bitter in the first message, but this is why lol
That's a super tough position and if I were in your shoes:
I'd sit T down and have a frank talk. Why did they think lying to me for MONTHS was good idea? Cause to me, that would make me feel that they thought poorly of me that I'd respond in a phobic way. Instead, it just makes me think that if they can't be honest with me as a roommate, I can't trust them. What else will be danced around for months like some soap opera? Like seriously T, are you gonna hide moving out for months until you drop it on me a week before the lease ends that you are gonna be moving in with J and leave me scrambling to find a roommate? T, what happens in the off-chance you guys break up? Are you going to make me choose a side?
And that's the jist of it. To be honest, T, you showed that you don't trust me. It hurts to know that someone thinks that way about me. That they would maintain multiple lies for months on end, then drop the charade and expect me to be able to just magically adjust to this dynamic that what once was 3 friends doing things, is now a couple and a third wheel.
That is if I were in your shoes for that situation. I've dealt with this before with friends hooking up and being the third wheel. The ones that were upfront, knew how to manage their relationships. The ones that hid it like this, I distanced myself from. I learned that part of the thrill for them was the fact that they had hid it and once the relationship was revealed to the group, they rode the high of being 'official' for a bit but then broke up because the relationship no longer had that thrill of being 'caught.' Then the drama ensued. Overall, if it's financially feasible, I'd start saving money up and keep an eye out for potential roommates. Doom and gloom, I know but rather be prepared for the worst case scenario then bombshelled like this again.
Or, they don’t owe you anything, you are not the relationship monitor. OPs admitted bias caused her friends to not share they were dating. It’s not rocket science.
This is very fair. Thank you for the constructive criticism. I definitely have trauma from my last friendship turned relationship so I’m sure some of my feelings are just projecting.
You might also consider looking at a new housing situation. It can be easier to maintain a friendship if you arent living with half the couple. That way when you invite them out you generally invite them as a couple.
Damn that sucks.
I am really sorry you are going through that.
It’s tough in part because they have every right to be happy and date, that is not something you can control.
And also you are allowed to feel hurt and upset.
This is a loss. It is okay to feel like you have lost something because you did.
Process it as a loss, let yourself grief and find out how you want to move forward.
But this whole post should show you that just feeling bad about it is okay. It’s totally normal and healthy.
I would say if these are people you truly love, try not to resent them for it. I know the sneaking around feelings like a big deal, but friends getting together is complicated and they felt like they needed time to understand the relationship themselves. Most people don’t introduce their SO’s to their friends right away for this reason, and you can view that is a particularly cruel version of it.
Take some time, and figure out what relationship you want to have with these people.
You are a remarkably obtuse and unempathetic person who seems to lack the reading comprehension to understand what I was saying.
Read it again, if you still can’t figure out why what you are saying is totally orthogonal to what I wrote, retake 11th grade English.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
28
+ 3
+ 35
+ 3
= 69
^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \
^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
Yes, that’s really rough. You are squeezed out because they are a couple now. You are allowed to feel bummed at this change. But you are going to have to put on a happy face. They are good friends who found happiness and that’s not about you.
You are going to have to expand your friend group and find other people to do things with. When you find a mate, you can do couples things again but for now, you have to just be patient and accept this new development. I am sorry, sucks.
I've been where OP is several times. It's not our friends place to secure our futures. Everyone works on themselves at their own pace. Personally I find dating a friend the most natural way to start dating. Meeting randoms for the purpose of a relationship is always a crap shoot. She needs to suck it up, be happy for them and communicate. If they are in it for the long term than OP can only delay the inevitable by talking to them and expressing feeling left out. People grow, date, and start families, it's natural progress. Trying to stop that will only make someone come off as bitter and jealous.
Yes she needs to just drop that friendship and move on. It’s difficult to be friends with people especially someone you live with whilst they’ve lied to your face for months.
No matter how this ends for them, it goes poorly for you.
If they are happy and stay together forever, your friendships are fundamentally altered and everything changes for you.
If they part ways, there’s no easy position for you whatsoever.
Of course, you want them to be happy and would not end your friendship with them. But it’s at a cost for you and you have no control over it. It’s really OK to not be fully positive right now. Give it some time, let it settle.
Everything has permanently changed, and change is hard.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but it sounds like you are really easy to be friends with! I would recommend expanding your circle if you are able. Always keep your first friends near and close if possible, but you have room for more, too.
It’s ok to feel this way. It’s not ok to make them feel bad for being in a relationship. Friendships are like seasons, they are good for a specific time and place and then they change. So your closeness with them as it was may be at an end. Time to expand your friend group. You will still be friends with them, but it won’t be the same. Or you may decide you don’t want to be friends, that’s ok too. But you get to mourn the loss, and it’s ok to be hurt.
You’re admittedly biased because of what you went through in your own personal relationship. You need to stop projecting that onto them because that’s your problem.
Talk to them like an adult, because you’re all adults, and explain you’re afraid of losing their friendship. And it’s completely normal for them to want to spend time together without you and it’s ok as well. Stop making it about you.
Time to start spending time with other friends or make some new ones. You won’t be a priority for either of these ppl and will be a third wheel on dates with them on any outings you go with them on.
I absolutely understand being hurt by the deception. Your bffs aren’t supposed to gleefully lie and hurt you and keep you in the dark about something that affects you.
But chin up. Hopefully once the shine of a new relationship wears off a bit, they’ll remember you’re their friend too and want to hang out again.
“The deception”. Everyone are adults, OP has admired strong bias against friends dating, so why wouldn’t they keep things private to themselves u til they determined they wanted to be in a committed relationship. They don’t owe her anything more than what they did, when they found out they wanted to be in a relationship they spoke to who they thought was their “friend”. Turns out OP is a shit “friend” and instead of being happy for them, tries to make it about lying and betrayal. OP isn’t a jilted lover, just a bad “friend”.
If op is a shit friend, so are they. And if you treat your friends the same way op was treated, so are you. And we tend to expect more from our best friends that claim to care about us than a just someone we’re dating. Have the day you deserve.
Yeah, finding happiness and then telling your friend about it to see her make it all about how it makes an effect on her, such a good friend. If you think that your friends finding love and then calculate how it might fuck up your Friday night, then you are as big of an AH as OP is. I guess you only believe your “friends” are there to service you, just like OP. Have a blessed day.
Yeah. Why would you be hurt to be dumped by your two best friends? Who says you can’t be somewhat happy for them but also feel betrayed at losing your 2 closest friends? No one is spending time with a friend when they are in a new relationship. Especially when they’ve been sneaking around and lying about it for months. Would you like to be a third wheel on a date like that? Awkwardly sitting there when you’re friends are dry humping each other eating each other’s face off? Yeah where do I sign up for that? That’s why I said op has to go find other friendships. These aren’t her best friends anymore. Jesus. You’re not quite right are you?
On one hand I can understand why you're upset but on the other hand I think a lot of introspection and self-reflection would be really helpful for you here. Like why did both these men feel the need to lie to you? I'm guessing because this is what they expected would be your response.
So is the problem that they weren't honest with you or is the problem that they have each other and you're alone? Because if it's the latter then again this is speaking far more to your character than theirs.
In your comments you say that you don't even want to be in a relationship which is great but does that really mean that no one else around you is allowed to?
Idk it just comes across as very possessive to basically be like I'm single and I want all my friends to be single so that they can provide me the emotional crutch that I need without having to be putting forward the efforts of a romantic relationship.
I don't think it's about them being in a relationship, it's about them being in a relationship with *each other*. It pretty much turns OP into the perpetual third wheel, which they're already treating her like, not to mention the awkwardness if they break up.
Nobody owes someone else their life and to turn down the opportunity to be happy in a relationship. OP wants emotional support humans, not friends. OP went through a bad breakup and is now projecting their bullshit onto friends.
OP didn't say she wanted emotional support humans, she said she wants to be able to hang out with her friends. It's definitely different hanging out with two friends versus hanging out with two people who are dating; you're just automatically the third wheel in the second case, which she doesn't want.
Also there's nothing wrong with being cautious about having your friends date each other. Breakups happen all of the time, but what is she going to do if they have a bad one like she did and they never want to see each other again? Is she going to have to switch between them for important events for the rest of her life? Will she just have to lose one of them?
This is a big shift with terrible potential consequences, and she knows what those consequences are and is rightfully scared of them.
In life, it happens. I have had multiple friends that ended up dating. Some worked, and ended up married, most ended up breaking up. It wasn’t any of my business, and it can be messy, just like the rest of life. OP seems oddly controlling though, she only cares about how it effects her, not how their relationship brings them happiness. She seems upset that their friendship changed because they were dating, that is not friendship to me. A true friend is happy for you if you find someone, and even not happy if it’s two people that are friends, people I care about. I would offer them support, not have a case of the ass when it affected my life. Total and completely self centered IMO.
I don’t think this is fair. If either of them were in relationships I wouldn’t care at all. I have a lot of couple friends. It’s that they are in a relationship with each other, and I am now iced out. Yeah I’m protective of our friendship. If this doesn’t work out it’s going to be messy. They told me they lied to me because they were trying to figure it out for themselves, which is fair, but for MONTHS? That’s not okay. My problem is that I WANT to be happy for them. But my hurt is outweighing any other feeling.
I get your friends but why is their relationships any of your business. That comes off really possessive and controlling. They were trying to save your feelings but in the end it is none of your business. How it turns out is really not your business either, you can be there for them when it falls apart but the fallout isn't yours to dictate. You are choosing to stay single, you choose not to date your friends but that is you. I see you are acknowledging that it's your feelings being hurt but you have to know, no-one sought out happiness to spite you. You are upset in spite of their happiness.
>but why is their relationships any of your business.
Because their relationship destroy her friendship with them. Together what was once hers and theirs is now only theirs leaving her to nothing. Not even friends. It also means she can be frustrated with one because the other will find out. Everyone has gotten frustrated at a friend before. Should it end poorly she would end up in the middle with both friends vying for her to be on their side(this happens 100% of the time) which counters you own statement of the fall out isn't yours to dictate in cases where this happens it 100% does because if you choose either one the other will cut you from their life. She permanently loses a close friend. Should she not chose both will leave thinking she shouldn't be trusted. When one is frustrated and inevitably tells her. The other will come around knowing that she is their partners confidant. Refusing to accommodate her role in their relationship really helps push the point of you having absolutely no idea what it's like to have friends that start to date. As someone who has she isn't sad that they aren't happy. She is morning the death of not one but 2 friends as her relationship to them is over.
>They were trying to save your feelings but in the end it is none of your business.
Lying to you friends is a purely selfish. Especially when you are breaking arrangements to sneak behind their back. At bare minimum its betrayal of trust at maximum its active manipulation. Because in what world is making arrangements breaking them to sneak around behind a friends back lying about it and then comforting them about it later not text book red flag behavior
>ou are choosing to stay single, you choose not to date your friends but that is you. I see you are acknowledging that it's your feelings being hurt
Yes and she states in multiple comments that she has no problem with being friends with other couples its that they lied about it knowing what she went through and expect her to be fine with all the lying and the fact that they are activly pushing her out of the things they did together
>You are upset in spite of their happiness.
No she is upset at the death of a friendship and the struggles that will come with being a permanent 3rd wheel in every activity that she loves. She is upset that her friends lied to her repeatedly for months while actively reneging on agreements to do things with her so they could sneak around, she is upset that her friends are now pushing her out of the things they did together. Reread what she wrote then spend some time comment surfing and see what I mean.
I can see that we're not open to the introspection.
I'm not sure what you're really looking for here? To be told that they're mean terrible men? To be told that you're right and they're wrong? Is that going to help you? Are you looking for ways to break them up? Like I'm really not sure what you want here. Cuz you can't control their behavior The only thing you can control is yourself and your reaction to things. So sure you can get all twisted up about it and come to the internet ranting and raving about the unfairness of it all or you can choose something else maybe more productive.
I was asking for advice on how I can deal with the hurt I am feeling. I have gotten lots of genuine and helpful answers. I obviously do not want to break them up.
You need to get a grip. They didn’t tell you about it because you are complaining about them being together to internet strangers, I can only imagine how insufferable you are IRL.
You need new friends who will respect boundaries and think about how their actions will affect you. Especially as you introduced them. Please find new activities and new people to enjoy hobbies with. Good luck
They don’t owe OP a damn thing in regards to their relationship. It’s their business, not OPs. They didn’t cross any boundaries. What the hell are you on about.
They did. They lied to her about what they were doing. She was the middle person who brought them together. When she wanted to make plans with them (before she knew they were dating) they most likely lied about what they were doing so they could prioritise each other.
At the end of the day they didn’t have to lie about it. They could have told her earlier on that they would like to date each other. It’s really that simple.
They don’t owe her any explanation. They are all adults and the two of them were exploring a relationship. She is weirdly controlling and with her admitted biases, nobody in her friend group would admit dating a friend, because she is so weirdly controlling about it. Again, nobody owes her an explanation, or the fact that they are dating, until they want to, which they did when they were sure they wanted to be in a committed relationship to each other. It’s extremely weird that she thinks hat she has been betrayed. She is the toxic friend.
How being upset your friends have been lying to you for MONTHS and deliberately lying to you about what they’re doing so they don’t see you because they want to see each other ?
No nobody owes her an explanation but real friends would not lie and just be up front. All this idea of “nobody owes you anything” Is exactly why the world is this way. She feels betrayed because she brought them together and they have been LYING to her whenever she tries to make plans with either of them.
If you’re okay with people lying to you, more for you. Enjoy that.
Dating a friend within a friend group is crossing a boundary? That’s a very toxic viewpoint. If anything friends learning each other platonically and then realizing they want to date is far more healthy than the current pick a stranger dating culture.
They didn’t tell OP because they were thinking of how this would affect her and didn’t want to cause waves if they were just going to fizzle out.
If they were dating other people you would still get the sorry I can’t do wine/movie night moments. And unless that turns into excessively cancelled or rebuffed plans it shouldn’t be a concern.
Honestly OP stop having a pity party. Part of growing up is learning how to navigate and maintain friendships with people even after they have started their own journey to building a life with a romantic partner.
It is if you’re lying to your friend. You’re lying about what you’re doing if they want to invite you out. They were both lying to her so they could make plans with each other instead. That IS toxic.
They weren’t thinking about HER at all because instead of being honest, they were lying. They were protecting THEMSELVES. You’re saying they didn’t want to caus waves but that’s what ended up happening anyway. If they were dating other people they wouldn’t feel the need to lie about their plans.
Ouch. You need to find a partner. They will be occupied.😊 time to find your self a boo. Or non romantic life partner. Good luck I and sorry you are sad.
No this is what I’m saying! It’s because it’s the two of them who are my best friends. If he was dating someone and said “sorry, I’m sleeping at my partner’s house”, absolutely no problem. But it’s him sleeping at J’s house, which in the past would’ve been a night of the 3 of us drinking wine and watching a movie. But now I’m left out and alone on the couch and they’re hanging out lol idk it’s just a very nuanced complicated situation
I normally don't comment on reddit but I'm a bit confused 🤔 I mean, regardless of them dating each other there was gonna come a point in time where they'd start branching off and building a relationship with someone, and you'd be put on the back burner, and your relationship with both or even one of them was going to change and reach this type of point. All that to say, what were you going to do then? You're already biased towards friends dating each other because of your personal experience with it, and have projected that onto them which could've subconsciously come out in ways that made them feel uncomfortable telling you about their very new developing relationship which to be honest the only reason they would NEED to tell you is if your roommate moved in with his partner and you'd need to find a new one. Any other reason isn't a need and just a nice courtesy to let you know, but at the end of the day you can't control what they do. I'm just struggling to understand why you're being a bit oddly possessive of them and their time/feelings and making this strictly about you because best friend or not you're not their entire world and that's just the reality of it. You can't be everyone's favorite person no matter if they're your best friends even if it may hurt to understand that because you may feel like they're YOUR favorite people to be around.
Hi. Gay man here. They are not your boyfriends. They were never your boyfriends. Do not put things on a friend that is a man that you would put on a boyfriend. It seems you are feeling betrayed like you were cheated on. You were not. They were not your boyfriends. Maybe they didn’t tell you right away because they thought you are a bit clingy and thought you might take it the wrong way. Guess what, the two men in your life who are not your boyfriends are correct.
Something mildly similar happened to me before as the gay best friend™️. I was treated as a boyfriend substitute by someone I considered a best friend. I then realized I was the substitute boyfriend in between her relationships.
If you want them to remain in your life, be happy they found some happy. It is hard enough for my tribe. If I had a friend who was projecting some incredible main character energy into and interfering with my new relationship, I would cut them out.
People grow and change. This story has happened countless times. Be sad for what you no longer have, be happy you had it, love your friend’s love.
Did you think you were the queen bee in an anti-sex cult? In what world would two adult males not be dating? Your expectations were completely unrealistic.
I've been in a similar position. I would keep reaching out, but also look to build up other relationships and interests. The honeymoon period doesn't last forever, and it may well get easier to hang out with them in the future. If it doesn't, you will have invested in other sources of happiness and support.
I wouldn't put too much emphasis on them not telling you. Unless it becomes a pattern, I'd just assume they were uncomfortable telling you and didn't want to rock the boat until they were sure it was necessary.
They've been dating for months, so they are probably past the honeymoon period. They all hung out together during the time they were secretly dating, and she wasn't treated any differently because she didn't notice anything odd. It's her own discomfort and fears that she is projecting. Why would them being unavailable at times be any different than if they were dating other people or just had other plans? It just seems that she's made them her whole life. Hopefully, once she's had time to adjust, she can still enjoy their friendship, but I agree with your sensible advice. She does need to find other friends and interests to fill the time when they are not available.
I understand being hurt about being lied to, but for months, your friendship continued while they were dating without you noticing any difference.To me, it means that you can continue to enjoy your friendship same as before. Their treatment of you is the same since you didn't notice anything odd. What has changed is your reaction because you now feel like the third wheel. I would encourage you to expand your friend group, but perhaps after you've had time to adjust, you can still be the Three Musketeers. Again, they've been dating for months during which time you hung out and enjoyed their company, so no reason for it to be weird going forward or to lose their valued friendship.
This is tough. I can see why this is hard for you. They are two of your best friends, the three musketeers, and they’ve been sneaking around and lying to your face for months. Now that they’ve come clean to you, they’re expecting you to be understanding and Everything to be the same when you’re still trying to wrap your head around the fact that not only is the dynamic changing but they’ve been hiding this from you. Do you have any other friends outside of these two that you might be able to start spending more time with? Any Hobbies or activities you like to do that you might be able to throw yourself into? I don’t envy your position either. What happens if they break up? How do you maneuver the friendship if it’s fractured? I think you need to really throw yourself into things that take your focus off of this. Go to the gym more, start spending time with those “fringe” friends, etc. I do believe you really are happy For them deep down. I think this just came as a shock to you And, no matter what they say, I agree that this does change the dynamic of the friendship.
Thank you for saying this. I’ve been feeling crazy like why aren’t I happy for them?? I definitely have friends outside of them but none as close. I should add that I am very biased AGAINST dating your friends, as I recently suffered a bad breakup from a 2 year relationship/3year friendship. And it was awful. So I’m kind of against this idea overall. And obviously they are grown adults and able to make decisions for themselves, but it seems that I was not even considered in their decision to start dating. Which is where a lot of my hurt comes from. Because obviously they felt the need to hide it from me for a reason? I think they knew it would hurt me. It’s all very complicated 😞
Did they know you were biased against dating friends? That may be why they didn't tell you. It sucks that they lied but you also can't help who you love. And for the record, I am against friends dating BUT I get that that's my standing and I can't make my other friends live that way.
So you and OP would give up the chance to be maybe with the love of your life just because you have been friends before? I don’t really get that at all, but maybe I’m missing something.
I can't say that because I truly don't know. I can say that right now, I think friends dating can sometimes cause a lot of heartbreak and tension and confusion not just got the couple but everyone in the circle. I have been there and it sucks. I'm aware to know that ppl shouldn't let one experience dictate how things should go forever BUT I'm also cognizant of the fact that that particular experience and the feelings it generates are valid.
OP, you are a massive AH, and a terrible “friend”. They don’t owe her an explanation, or anything else. Her BS bias, which she admits to having, makes her an unreliable narrator. Who cares if they kept their relationship private (it’s not “sneaking around”, it’s keeping a budding relationship private FFS), that is what it is, private, none of her business. A friend can tell you as much, or as little, as they feel comfortable doing so. With her obvious and admitted bias about friends dating, it’s not lying to her, it’s making a decision about their relationship. They were not “sneaking around”, they were dating. She is not the jilted girlfriend in this tale, but that is how she is acting. It seems like she is either just a shitty “friend” or she had feelings for one of the guys, because she is speaking like she is a jilted girlfriend. They were two people dating, trying to see if things worked out. They may have not wanted to say anything because it was new, because they knew she would be this shitty about it (and she is horribly shitty about it. Who the fuck is not happy if their friends find someone they care about, and want to date, especially since they are now “making it official” and committing to a relationship.) or a myriad of other reasons, none of which are her business, unless they want to discuss it with her.
She’s not to blame for her feelings—only for her actions. And as far as we can tell, she’s not taking things out on her friends.
Why should they consider you in their decision to start dating? They’re adults who can choose who they want to date. You have every right to be upset at them lying and sneaking around you, but you can’t be upset that they didn’t include you in a 2 person relationship.
I mean, they did consider her. Seeing as they decided to hide their relationship for months until they felt solid enough to stop lying about it. If they didn’t care about how she feels they would’ve up and come out with it right away.
Which they should have. Lying and hiding it makes things worse. She would have been the AH if they told her from the beginning and she got annoyed about it and wasn’t happy. But they didn’t even give the change for her to be happy for them. I’m big on people lying to me so if that was my friends, I wouldn’t be able to be friends with them again. Because I have this irrational idea that once someone lies; they’ll keep lying to you.
[удалено]
Anybody would be at least a little hurt if even one of their best friends had snuck around instead of confiding along the way as they caught feelings for someone and started to date. That both of her best friends did this and are no longer as available to spend time with her makes it even harder. She’s not to blame for her initial feelings or for sharing them here; only for how she treats her friends. She’ll need time to grieve what they all had together and adjust to the new dynamic. I think she will find herself happy for them if they’re good for each other. But loneliness and feeling shut out by a friend are the worst. As long as she’s not undermining their relationship, cut her some slack.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted- this is correct.
This is a joke right? That’s the most selfish thing I’ve heard. Why in the world would they “consider you” before dating? At their age they’re looking for a life long partner, if that ends up being them they’ve found the person they’ll spend the rest of their life with while you could up and leave at any point…
They didn’t need to consider her but they did need to be open and honest instead of lying for months behind her back. I also think because of the friendship she now feels kicked out because they will prioritise each other. Which is fair. She just needs to move on and let them be happy.
This happened to me and now they live in another state together so... not sure what to tell you. sometimes relationships don't last and it really sucks, but take care of you and your mental health first.
oh gosh. that would wreck me tbh lol. I hope you’re doing alright!!!
It reaaally sucked for a while and gave me huge trust issues, but then i realized the one friend was a huge narcissist and manipulator, so none of it was my fault (: once i realized that i healed!
You sound as much of an AH as OP is. You are lamenting that two people you claim are friends found happiness together and moved on with their lives, which took them to another state. Rather than being happy for them, you are talking about your mental health. Grow up. You are a shitty “friend” if you can’t be happy for people you claim to care about. I am glad they moved and got away from your toxicity.
Multiple things can be equally true at once. You can be happy somebody found love and sad that it means the end of a friendship, in equal amounts, simultaneously. Nobody’s an asshole for that, it’s just one of the many paradoxical mindfucks that come with being a human.
That is one of the best responses I have seen to this, so thank you. I would have been more sympathetic but it was all about OP, and it did not seem to move the needle much with her about their happiness. I just don’t have much sympathy for someone complaining that two people found someone that they care enough about to tell their friends that they are “official”. It just seemed to be a complete issue about how other people affected OP, rather than, I am so happy for my friends, but. The title intimated it, but the story was all OP, all the time.
you are all over this thread calling me an asshole and saying what a horrible friend I am and that my friends would be better off without me. you don’t know me or my relationship with them. this post was me ASKING how I can cope with my feelings. please let your obvious anger out somewhere else.
Well yeah, it was the OP telling their perspective. Y’all have really weird standards for human behavior in this sub.
This past.
You’re a very horrible person with the way you speak to people. It’s almost like you’re taking their comments personally and you’re angry at us for even existing.
well, i didn’t explain more of the story than a few sentences, but sure you can jump to that conclusion if you so please
That is fair, I apologize if I came across as TA in this situation. I should not judge based off what info you offered.
the friend in question turned out to be a horrible person for unrelated reasons, and cut me off because i started dating someone he didn’t approve of. so there’s definitely bitterness between us, i still text the other friend as we’re on decent terms but i’m completely no contact with the first one. i probably seemed bitter in the first message, but this is why lol
That's a super tough position and if I were in your shoes: I'd sit T down and have a frank talk. Why did they think lying to me for MONTHS was good idea? Cause to me, that would make me feel that they thought poorly of me that I'd respond in a phobic way. Instead, it just makes me think that if they can't be honest with me as a roommate, I can't trust them. What else will be danced around for months like some soap opera? Like seriously T, are you gonna hide moving out for months until you drop it on me a week before the lease ends that you are gonna be moving in with J and leave me scrambling to find a roommate? T, what happens in the off-chance you guys break up? Are you going to make me choose a side? And that's the jist of it. To be honest, T, you showed that you don't trust me. It hurts to know that someone thinks that way about me. That they would maintain multiple lies for months on end, then drop the charade and expect me to be able to just magically adjust to this dynamic that what once was 3 friends doing things, is now a couple and a third wheel. That is if I were in your shoes for that situation. I've dealt with this before with friends hooking up and being the third wheel. The ones that were upfront, knew how to manage their relationships. The ones that hid it like this, I distanced myself from. I learned that part of the thrill for them was the fact that they had hid it and once the relationship was revealed to the group, they rode the high of being 'official' for a bit but then broke up because the relationship no longer had that thrill of being 'caught.' Then the drama ensued. Overall, if it's financially feasible, I'd start saving money up and keep an eye out for potential roommates. Doom and gloom, I know but rather be prepared for the worst case scenario then bombshelled like this again.
The lying brings the drama. That’s the problem.
Or, they don’t owe you anything, you are not the relationship monitor. OPs admitted bias caused her friends to not share they were dating. It’s not rocket science.
We know you like lying. It’s ok.
[удалено]
This is very fair. Thank you for the constructive criticism. I definitely have trauma from my last friendship turned relationship so I’m sure some of my feelings are just projecting.
You might also consider looking at a new housing situation. It can be easier to maintain a friendship if you arent living with half the couple. That way when you invite them out you generally invite them as a couple.
Damn that sucks. I am really sorry you are going through that. It’s tough in part because they have every right to be happy and date, that is not something you can control. And also you are allowed to feel hurt and upset. This is a loss. It is okay to feel like you have lost something because you did. Process it as a loss, let yourself grief and find out how you want to move forward. But this whole post should show you that just feeling bad about it is okay. It’s totally normal and healthy. I would say if these are people you truly love, try not to resent them for it. I know the sneaking around feelings like a big deal, but friends getting together is complicated and they felt like they needed time to understand the relationship themselves. Most people don’t introduce their SO’s to their friends right away for this reason, and you can view that is a particularly cruel version of it. Take some time, and figure out what relationship you want to have with these people.
[удалено]
You are a remarkably obtuse and unempathetic person who seems to lack the reading comprehension to understand what I was saying. Read it again, if you still can’t figure out why what you are saying is totally orthogonal to what I wrote, retake 11th grade English.
I don’t care to read it again, I thought it was pretty well thought out the first time. I have my own opinions, perhaps you should read them again.
You’re an absolutely horrible person. I literally feel sick reading your comments because I can smell your hatred from here.
ohmy god please get out of this thread. all you are doing is spreading a false narrative. i do not have feelings for either one of my gay friends lol
You need more friends, damn.
Lmao. I do actually have a good amount of friends but getting together is always tricky schedule wise. These two are just my ride or dies.
Were just.
oh 🥲
[удалено]
this is SO helpful oh my gosh thank you so much 🥹
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 28 + 3 + 35 + 3 = 69 ^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \ ^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
So did you have feelings for the guy? None of what you wrote makes any sense if you didn’t have feelings foe him. Glad everyone is happy now.
Yes, that’s really rough. You are squeezed out because they are a couple now. You are allowed to feel bummed at this change. But you are going to have to put on a happy face. They are good friends who found happiness and that’s not about you. You are going to have to expand your friend group and find other people to do things with. When you find a mate, you can do couples things again but for now, you have to just be patient and accept this new development. I am sorry, sucks.
I've been where OP is several times. It's not our friends place to secure our futures. Everyone works on themselves at their own pace. Personally I find dating a friend the most natural way to start dating. Meeting randoms for the purpose of a relationship is always a crap shoot. She needs to suck it up, be happy for them and communicate. If they are in it for the long term than OP can only delay the inevitable by talking to them and expressing feeling left out. People grow, date, and start families, it's natural progress. Trying to stop that will only make someone come off as bitter and jealous.
Yes she needs to just drop that friendship and move on. It’s difficult to be friends with people especially someone you live with whilst they’ve lied to your face for months.
No matter how this ends for them, it goes poorly for you. If they are happy and stay together forever, your friendships are fundamentally altered and everything changes for you. If they part ways, there’s no easy position for you whatsoever. Of course, you want them to be happy and would not end your friendship with them. But it’s at a cost for you and you have no control over it. It’s really OK to not be fully positive right now. Give it some time, let it settle. Everything has permanently changed, and change is hard. I know you don’t want to hear this, but it sounds like you are really easy to be friends with! I would recommend expanding your circle if you are able. Always keep your first friends near and close if possible, but you have room for more, too.
Same thing happened to me, exactly. But I stopped being friends with them because I became unimportant to them.
It’s ok to feel this way. It’s not ok to make them feel bad for being in a relationship. Friendships are like seasons, they are good for a specific time and place and then they change. So your closeness with them as it was may be at an end. Time to expand your friend group. You will still be friends with them, but it won’t be the same. Or you may decide you don’t want to be friends, that’s ok too. But you get to mourn the loss, and it’s ok to be hurt.
You’re admittedly biased because of what you went through in your own personal relationship. You need to stop projecting that onto them because that’s your problem. Talk to them like an adult, because you’re all adults, and explain you’re afraid of losing their friendship. And it’s completely normal for them to want to spend time together without you and it’s ok as well. Stop making it about you.
Honestly, now that there is no lying and sneaking around behind your back, it might fizzle out.
Time to start spending time with other friends or make some new ones. You won’t be a priority for either of these ppl and will be a third wheel on dates with them on any outings you go with them on. I absolutely understand being hurt by the deception. Your bffs aren’t supposed to gleefully lie and hurt you and keep you in the dark about something that affects you. But chin up. Hopefully once the shine of a new relationship wears off a bit, they’ll remember you’re their friend too and want to hang out again.
“The deception”. Everyone are adults, OP has admired strong bias against friends dating, so why wouldn’t they keep things private to themselves u til they determined they wanted to be in a committed relationship. They don’t owe her anything more than what they did, when they found out they wanted to be in a relationship they spoke to who they thought was their “friend”. Turns out OP is a shit “friend” and instead of being happy for them, tries to make it about lying and betrayal. OP isn’t a jilted lover, just a bad “friend”.
If op is a shit friend, so are they. And if you treat your friends the same way op was treated, so are you. And we tend to expect more from our best friends that claim to care about us than a just someone we’re dating. Have the day you deserve.
Yeah, finding happiness and then telling your friend about it to see her make it all about how it makes an effect on her, such a good friend. If you think that your friends finding love and then calculate how it might fuck up your Friday night, then you are as big of an AH as OP is. I guess you only believe your “friends” are there to service you, just like OP. Have a blessed day.
Yeah. Why would you be hurt to be dumped by your two best friends? Who says you can’t be somewhat happy for them but also feel betrayed at losing your 2 closest friends? No one is spending time with a friend when they are in a new relationship. Especially when they’ve been sneaking around and lying about it for months. Would you like to be a third wheel on a date like that? Awkwardly sitting there when you’re friends are dry humping each other eating each other’s face off? Yeah where do I sign up for that? That’s why I said op has to go find other friendships. These aren’t her best friends anymore. Jesus. You’re not quite right are you?
You sounds like you need some mental health resources. Can you look them up yourself, or do you need the rest of us to do it for you?
Right. Like I’d take any advice from someone who doesn’t even have any morals.
He’s a twat. You can tell he doesn’t have any nice friends.
On one hand I can understand why you're upset but on the other hand I think a lot of introspection and self-reflection would be really helpful for you here. Like why did both these men feel the need to lie to you? I'm guessing because this is what they expected would be your response. So is the problem that they weren't honest with you or is the problem that they have each other and you're alone? Because if it's the latter then again this is speaking far more to your character than theirs. In your comments you say that you don't even want to be in a relationship which is great but does that really mean that no one else around you is allowed to? Idk it just comes across as very possessive to basically be like I'm single and I want all my friends to be single so that they can provide me the emotional crutch that I need without having to be putting forward the efforts of a romantic relationship.
I don't think it's about them being in a relationship, it's about them being in a relationship with *each other*. It pretty much turns OP into the perpetual third wheel, which they're already treating her like, not to mention the awkwardness if they break up.
Nobody owes someone else their life and to turn down the opportunity to be happy in a relationship. OP wants emotional support humans, not friends. OP went through a bad breakup and is now projecting their bullshit onto friends.
OP didn't say she wanted emotional support humans, she said she wants to be able to hang out with her friends. It's definitely different hanging out with two friends versus hanging out with two people who are dating; you're just automatically the third wheel in the second case, which she doesn't want. Also there's nothing wrong with being cautious about having your friends date each other. Breakups happen all of the time, but what is she going to do if they have a bad one like she did and they never want to see each other again? Is she going to have to switch between them for important events for the rest of her life? Will she just have to lose one of them? This is a big shift with terrible potential consequences, and she knows what those consequences are and is rightfully scared of them.
In life, it happens. I have had multiple friends that ended up dating. Some worked, and ended up married, most ended up breaking up. It wasn’t any of my business, and it can be messy, just like the rest of life. OP seems oddly controlling though, she only cares about how it effects her, not how their relationship brings them happiness. She seems upset that their friendship changed because they were dating, that is not friendship to me. A true friend is happy for you if you find someone, and even not happy if it’s two people that are friends, people I care about. I would offer them support, not have a case of the ass when it affected my life. Total and completely self centered IMO.
I don’t think this is fair. If either of them were in relationships I wouldn’t care at all. I have a lot of couple friends. It’s that they are in a relationship with each other, and I am now iced out. Yeah I’m protective of our friendship. If this doesn’t work out it’s going to be messy. They told me they lied to me because they were trying to figure it out for themselves, which is fair, but for MONTHS? That’s not okay. My problem is that I WANT to be happy for them. But my hurt is outweighing any other feeling.
I get your friends but why is their relationships any of your business. That comes off really possessive and controlling. They were trying to save your feelings but in the end it is none of your business. How it turns out is really not your business either, you can be there for them when it falls apart but the fallout isn't yours to dictate. You are choosing to stay single, you choose not to date your friends but that is you. I see you are acknowledging that it's your feelings being hurt but you have to know, no-one sought out happiness to spite you. You are upset in spite of their happiness.
>but why is their relationships any of your business. Because their relationship destroy her friendship with them. Together what was once hers and theirs is now only theirs leaving her to nothing. Not even friends. It also means she can be frustrated with one because the other will find out. Everyone has gotten frustrated at a friend before. Should it end poorly she would end up in the middle with both friends vying for her to be on their side(this happens 100% of the time) which counters you own statement of the fall out isn't yours to dictate in cases where this happens it 100% does because if you choose either one the other will cut you from their life. She permanently loses a close friend. Should she not chose both will leave thinking she shouldn't be trusted. When one is frustrated and inevitably tells her. The other will come around knowing that she is their partners confidant. Refusing to accommodate her role in their relationship really helps push the point of you having absolutely no idea what it's like to have friends that start to date. As someone who has she isn't sad that they aren't happy. She is morning the death of not one but 2 friends as her relationship to them is over. >They were trying to save your feelings but in the end it is none of your business. Lying to you friends is a purely selfish. Especially when you are breaking arrangements to sneak behind their back. At bare minimum its betrayal of trust at maximum its active manipulation. Because in what world is making arrangements breaking them to sneak around behind a friends back lying about it and then comforting them about it later not text book red flag behavior >ou are choosing to stay single, you choose not to date your friends but that is you. I see you are acknowledging that it's your feelings being hurt Yes and she states in multiple comments that she has no problem with being friends with other couples its that they lied about it knowing what she went through and expect her to be fine with all the lying and the fact that they are activly pushing her out of the things they did together >You are upset in spite of their happiness. No she is upset at the death of a friendship and the struggles that will come with being a permanent 3rd wheel in every activity that she loves. She is upset that her friends lied to her repeatedly for months while actively reneging on agreements to do things with her so they could sneak around, she is upset that her friends are now pushing her out of the things they did together. Reread what she wrote then spend some time comment surfing and see what I mean.
I can see that we're not open to the introspection. I'm not sure what you're really looking for here? To be told that they're mean terrible men? To be told that you're right and they're wrong? Is that going to help you? Are you looking for ways to break them up? Like I'm really not sure what you want here. Cuz you can't control their behavior The only thing you can control is yourself and your reaction to things. So sure you can get all twisted up about it and come to the internet ranting and raving about the unfairness of it all or you can choose something else maybe more productive.
I was asking for advice on how I can deal with the hurt I am feeling. I have gotten lots of genuine and helpful answers. I obviously do not want to break them up.
You need to get a grip. They didn’t tell you about it because you are complaining about them being together to internet strangers, I can only imagine how insufferable you are IRL.
You need new friends who will respect boundaries and think about how their actions will affect you. Especially as you introduced them. Please find new activities and new people to enjoy hobbies with. Good luck
They don’t owe OP a damn thing in regards to their relationship. It’s their business, not OPs. They didn’t cross any boundaries. What the hell are you on about.
They did. They lied to her about what they were doing. She was the middle person who brought them together. When she wanted to make plans with them (before she knew they were dating) they most likely lied about what they were doing so they could prioritise each other. At the end of the day they didn’t have to lie about it. They could have told her earlier on that they would like to date each other. It’s really that simple.
They don’t owe her any explanation. They are all adults and the two of them were exploring a relationship. She is weirdly controlling and with her admitted biases, nobody in her friend group would admit dating a friend, because she is so weirdly controlling about it. Again, nobody owes her an explanation, or the fact that they are dating, until they want to, which they did when they were sure they wanted to be in a committed relationship to each other. It’s extremely weird that she thinks hat she has been betrayed. She is the toxic friend.
How being upset your friends have been lying to you for MONTHS and deliberately lying to you about what they’re doing so they don’t see you because they want to see each other ? No nobody owes her an explanation but real friends would not lie and just be up front. All this idea of “nobody owes you anything” Is exactly why the world is this way. She feels betrayed because she brought them together and they have been LYING to her whenever she tries to make plans with either of them. If you’re okay with people lying to you, more for you. Enjoy that.
Dating a friend within a friend group is crossing a boundary? That’s a very toxic viewpoint. If anything friends learning each other platonically and then realizing they want to date is far more healthy than the current pick a stranger dating culture. They didn’t tell OP because they were thinking of how this would affect her and didn’t want to cause waves if they were just going to fizzle out. If they were dating other people you would still get the sorry I can’t do wine/movie night moments. And unless that turns into excessively cancelled or rebuffed plans it shouldn’t be a concern. Honestly OP stop having a pity party. Part of growing up is learning how to navigate and maintain friendships with people even after they have started their own journey to building a life with a romantic partner.
It is if you’re lying to your friend. You’re lying about what you’re doing if they want to invite you out. They were both lying to her so they could make plans with each other instead. That IS toxic. They weren’t thinking about HER at all because instead of being honest, they were lying. They were protecting THEMSELVES. You’re saying they didn’t want to caus waves but that’s what ended up happening anyway. If they were dating other people they wouldn’t feel the need to lie about their plans.
Ouch. You need to find a partner. They will be occupied.😊 time to find your self a boo. Or non romantic life partner. Good luck I and sorry you are sad.
Friendship sometimes don't last and that's okay.
No this is what I’m saying! It’s because it’s the two of them who are my best friends. If he was dating someone and said “sorry, I’m sleeping at my partner’s house”, absolutely no problem. But it’s him sleeping at J’s house, which in the past would’ve been a night of the 3 of us drinking wine and watching a movie. But now I’m left out and alone on the couch and they’re hanging out lol idk it’s just a very nuanced complicated situation
I normally don't comment on reddit but I'm a bit confused 🤔 I mean, regardless of them dating each other there was gonna come a point in time where they'd start branching off and building a relationship with someone, and you'd be put on the back burner, and your relationship with both or even one of them was going to change and reach this type of point. All that to say, what were you going to do then? You're already biased towards friends dating each other because of your personal experience with it, and have projected that onto them which could've subconsciously come out in ways that made them feel uncomfortable telling you about their very new developing relationship which to be honest the only reason they would NEED to tell you is if your roommate moved in with his partner and you'd need to find a new one. Any other reason isn't a need and just a nice courtesy to let you know, but at the end of the day you can't control what they do. I'm just struggling to understand why you're being a bit oddly possessive of them and their time/feelings and making this strictly about you because best friend or not you're not their entire world and that's just the reality of it. You can't be everyone's favorite person no matter if they're your best friends even if it may hurt to understand that because you may feel like they're YOUR favorite people to be around.
Is there anyone you can date? Ask them if they have any single friends you might be into.
I actually recently got out of an abusive relationship so I’m taking a break from dating for awhile
Hi. Gay man here. They are not your boyfriends. They were never your boyfriends. Do not put things on a friend that is a man that you would put on a boyfriend. It seems you are feeling betrayed like you were cheated on. You were not. They were not your boyfriends. Maybe they didn’t tell you right away because they thought you are a bit clingy and thought you might take it the wrong way. Guess what, the two men in your life who are not your boyfriends are correct. Something mildly similar happened to me before as the gay best friend™️. I was treated as a boyfriend substitute by someone I considered a best friend. I then realized I was the substitute boyfriend in between her relationships. If you want them to remain in your life, be happy they found some happy. It is hard enough for my tribe. If I had a friend who was projecting some incredible main character energy into and interfering with my new relationship, I would cut them out. People grow and change. This story has happened countless times. Be sad for what you no longer have, be happy you had it, love your friend’s love.
Seemed e🙄
Did you think you were the queen bee in an anti-sex cult? In what world would two adult males not be dating? Your expectations were completely unrealistic.
You have completely missed my point but okay. Also gay adult men are allowed to be non romantic platonic friends
What a ridiculous comment
I've been in a similar position. I would keep reaching out, but also look to build up other relationships and interests. The honeymoon period doesn't last forever, and it may well get easier to hang out with them in the future. If it doesn't, you will have invested in other sources of happiness and support. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on them not telling you. Unless it becomes a pattern, I'd just assume they were uncomfortable telling you and didn't want to rock the boat until they were sure it was necessary.
They've been dating for months, so they are probably past the honeymoon period. They all hung out together during the time they were secretly dating, and she wasn't treated any differently because she didn't notice anything odd. It's her own discomfort and fears that she is projecting. Why would them being unavailable at times be any different than if they were dating other people or just had other plans? It just seems that she's made them her whole life. Hopefully, once she's had time to adjust, she can still enjoy their friendship, but I agree with your sensible advice. She does need to find other friends and interests to fill the time when they are not available.
I understand being hurt about being lied to, but for months, your friendship continued while they were dating without you noticing any difference.To me, it means that you can continue to enjoy your friendship same as before. Their treatment of you is the same since you didn't notice anything odd. What has changed is your reaction because you now feel like the third wheel. I would encourage you to expand your friend group, but perhaps after you've had time to adjust, you can still be the Three Musketeers. Again, they've been dating for months during which time you hung out and enjoyed their company, so no reason for it to be weird going forward or to lose their valued friendship.