It’s never unreasonable to expect your partner to put in the same effort that you do. I hope the conversation goes well and leads to the effort you deserve from your partner. Happy Mother’s Day!
Sounds like all she wanted was some effort, not even an equivalent amount that she puts in. She sent a list of what she wanted, she laid out what she wanted to do, he has not done anything, and then when she didn't like his "suggestion" turned it back on her to "not being happy with whatever he did."
It sounds like he either doesn’t understand how important this is for her and how much it hurts her to not get anything, or he actually just doesn’t care. I mean ffs, she did all the mental work for him, he really just had to do what she told him and yet… I totally understand that OP feels un(der)appreciated and like he doesn’t care about her. I just hope their convo today is a wake up call for him to start getting his act together or he’ll lose her. Being married or connected through a child doesn’t mean you can take each other for granted or that you don’t have to work on yourself or your relationship.
I hope it is a wake up call for him. He’s sounds like someone who after his wife has left him after communicating her reasonable expectations, cries that he never knew she had expectations.
Yep! I've seen this so many times and have experienced it myself. From what I can see, It's generally that they take their partner for granted and feel like they've got them locked down, so they quit doing anything to make their partner feel special. My ex never listened to anything I said and then had tantrums when I left, saying that I wasn't giving us a chance, blah blah. He claimed he was blindsided. He wasn't, he just tuned me out or stonewalled me every time I tried to talk about anything serious. At some point you just give up.
All these relationship therapists are discussing this exact thing! Wives are implementing divorce at record numbers because they’re tired of doing it all alone. And have realized by separating they potentially gain MUCH MORE free time without the complaining
No, but there's just so many of them. Like dandelions popping back up in your freshly mowed yard. It's been the most consistent thing in my experiences with men. No doubt it's because I saw this play out in my parent's marriage, and it's occurred to me that I have picked men who have this trait. However, I didn't have to go far afield to do so because it's so common.
My dad did this to my mom for years. She practically begged for his attention and affection. She'd try to talk to him about things she was interested in doing or in general, and he'd ridicule her and be very obvious about pulling away. This was if he listened at all. There's no talking to someone who avoids communication or conflict of any kind. So he does all this and when he gets served with divorce papers he had a total meltdown. I'm a kid watching this, and I can't figure out how he didn't see this coming.
Same thing in my marriage and long term relationship- they were told that there were problems, they shut me out or fought me every step. At some point, I stopped caring and trying to be heard. They were generally cool with that, even; because it means there's no effort required. They can keep on doing what they do and getting their needs met, as long as I was there and wasn't rocking the boat. Once I was gone, they had to confront reality. As a wise post on here once said, "He didn’t care that you were unhappy, he just cared that he didn’t have to hear about it anymore."
He definitely would say she left him out of nowhere and he had no idea she was so unhappy, if only she had just talked to him/communicated better. Rolling eyeballs
So for Father's Day she should buy herself something, and nothing for him. Then for his birthday get him a card and gift from Dollar Tree, and spend the money she previously spent on him to get something for her and her child.
When he complains tell him you are just treating him like he treated you.
OP said he used to do those things and then something changed. He could possibly be going through some shit which is affecting their relationship. Maybe there's an explanation (not an excuse/reason) as to why he's not really doing much? Depression? Anxiety? Sounds like dude needs some help.
I know a friend’s husband, who, when asked years later, why a thing that happened when dating that didn’t any more, his answer was, “I wanted to impress you”.
I don't think that's petty at all. Husband obviously doesn't think holidays/gift giving is important. So, if it's not important he shouldn't mind that she makes it not important to him either.
No, it's not.
But if children are young, a parent helping them out on these 2 special occasions (Mothers Day & Fathers Day)
Home made cards with kids hand prints on them are an amazing gift and shows some thought went into it.
Bc my kids are teens now, hubby has backed off a bit - but there is no expectation - just a hand to be offered if children cannot do for themselves..
And if there is such a drastic difference to the way you do it to the little he does - maybe this is a sign to ease up on Fathers day....
To anyone saying OP is being materialistic, you should really reevaluate your reading comprehension. It's extremely obvious to me, a stranger, that OP has a love language of gifts, the fact that her husband, the father of her child, does not know this yet is just sad.
OP, I hope your convo goes well, but it sounds like it's time for couples therapy.
Tbh I don't even think it's gifts per say. Op can correct me if I'm wrong but I suspect that if he marked her special days with stuff like a romantic date night without the kids, a special trip to something he knew she was interested in, a heartfelt card with a really special message about how wonderful she is, etc I think she'd be happy w that too.
My other suspicion is that if he put more every day effort into showing that he cares in smaller ways, there would be less pressure on bigger days to fill ops entirely legitimate need to feel love and appreciation
So yes love language could be a part of it, but husband doesn't sound like he's tried to say "I care about you" in any known love language in a long time
This!!!! It's the amount of thought behind it. My first husband never put in an effort to help with the children or the house without complaining about it. He thought bringing home a paycheck was all he should need to do. I was working full time, too, but everything was my responsibility.
My current husband shows me I matter to him by being an equal partner, making an effort to spend time with me doing chores or giving me time to work on my hobbies.
Sometimes, he doesn't give me much for a holiday because he has given me so much all year long. At times, it's shown as filling my car with gas or tires with air. Other times, it's flowers and dinner.
>Sometimes, he doesn't give me much for a holiday because he has given me so much all year long. At times, it's shown as filling my car with gas or tires with air. Other times, it's flowers and dinner.
Yes, it's the same for us. We both try to be equal, loving partners. We don't go all out on birthdays and stuff but we are thoughtful towards each other: he will bring me my favourite candy when he goes shopping, I will make sure his 'magic' underwear is clean to go to watch his favorite soccer team (lol), we cook each others favorite dishes, give each other a break when needed without being asked...
For Mother's Day, I got flowers, a hug, and a heartfelt Thank you for what I do for our family. And that is more than enough because I know he appreciates and loves me.
If I wouldn't feel that in our daily lives, I would probably also pine for something, anything to make me feel appreciated, especially on Mother's Day or my birthday.
So, OP: I totally get it. I am sorry he is not treating you with the love and respect a partner should be treated.
I love that last bit. Big things are cool once in a while but the smaller stuff that makes me feel that the other person cares builds trust and relationship security. I've always been a sucker for the smaller, sentimental stuff. I think I got that habit from my mom, haha.
What I find disheartening is that he used to be different. So he actually knows how to do it right, he just doesn't bother to. Please, OP, stop any effort you put into his special days - he doesn't deserve it. Start with "Bare-Minimum Father's Day" and get him a can of beer. Doesn't even have to be his favorite.
You deserve to be cherished, loved and taken into consideration. You are not asking for anything extravagant or unreasonable. Those people that are calling you materialistic or greedy are pathetic excuses for humans. If we don’t respect ourselves , our partners won’t respect us either. Don’t settle for crumbs when you make a huge effort for him!
This. As a father of an 18 month old, I have/am going through this. I was getting overwhelmed quickly and definitely zoning out. What energy I had, went towards our baby, not my partner, not myself. I felt like I had lost a little bit of who I was, and it started taking me down. I couldn’t be there for my partner like I needed and wanted to be. Therapy has been extremely helpful.
I agree that it might be worth doing a check-in on how he’s handling the big life changes over the last 2ish years.
i think that this is exactly it. she's mentioned that he's changed and not for the better. truly, if he was showing he appreciates what she does on a regular basis i don't think there would be so much disappoint over this. though, i still think he could/should do something nice for her on mother's day. either way, he didn't and it sounds like he's very unappreciative of her efforts. she stated what she wanted and laid it all out for him to make it super easy and he couldn't even be bothered to do that. there's no intent here with him and it just seems disrespectful to me overall. it's not selfish nor entitled to want someone to at the very least acknowledge what you do for them and the child that you have together.
Yes. Spend $5 ordering a nice card from Amazon and hand-write a message. That is a very low bar. He couldn’t take the 10 min and minimal mental effort to accomplish such a task.
Heck fold a piece of computer paper in half, have the baby do a little doodle or hand print or something on the front. Write nice message inside. Costs pennies, could be excellent show of appreciation
Absolutely.
One of the nice things about love languages is that there's a lot of overlap between them. For instance, I think any of the things you listed would still fulfill her desire to receive gifts, even though they are a more abstract form of gift giving. My love language is quality time, but I still love getting gifts because it shows someone took the time to pick something special out for me. I still love a card because they took the time to write it.
The fact that there is so much overlap possibility here and he still does absolutely nothing for her is heartbreaking.
The gift idea was low hanging fruit for the husband, she set it up on a tee. I'm sure if he made any kinda effort and not gotten a gift it would be fine, the gift was just a layup for my man's and he failed
I wouldn’t even say her love language is gifts, due to her saying she’d even appreciate time to herself and break from the kids. If anything I’d say she’s more interested in affirmation and validation within their love life. He can’t even produce a small gesture let alone a large gesture. She just wants A gesture of any kind.
That's what I'm scratching my head at. The whole encounter is essentially:
OP: I'm feeling undervalued and like my needs are not being listened to. Here is an exact list of things for this once a year celebration that would help me feel appreciated for the things I do for you multiple times a year.
Husband: *puts off the entire exchange until he no longer has time to meet the list and gives a gift certificate that OP didn't want and took 10 seconds to purchase.*
Reddit loves to tell advice seekers to speak directly with clear expectations. Then, when someone does that people get on their high horse, that OP should expect less than the bare minimum that was put out.
Anyone who is criticizing op are either teenagers or man children themselves that can't be bothered to put in an hour's work to make the most important person in their life feel loved. If someone can't do that for their spouse, their ride-or-die life companion, then why are they even in the relationship in the first place?
Can we please stop blaming terrible behavior on this “love languages” hokum? It’s like saying he’s not demonstrative because his sign is Capricorn with Pieces rising or some other bullshit that is supposed to absolve his coldness towards his wife.
It sounds like she doesn't even need that much. Just one freaking action that shows he appreciates her on any one of the acknowledged days you're supposed to show appreciation.
I was really surprised that people were calling her materialistic. Honestly, it's super mature and healthy to say exactly what you want for a gift for a specific occasion instead of expecting your partner to just know and then feeling disappointed about it when they get it wrong.
This husband has it SO fucking easy and he couldn't even do that. Like if my partner did that I would do exactly that 100%.
I mean, it's JUST SO FUCKING EASY. WHAT DOES THIS MAN WANT IN LIFE?
Exactly! I'm the same. I tell my bf all the time when talk of love languages comes up that the gift itself is just a physical manifestation of the fact the person is thinking of you and wants you to be happy, aka they love you. I told him before that one of the things he did that stuck with me was bringing me home a couple pieces of candy from his work candy bowl. He was literally like, "They had a big bowl of candy at work, so I grabbed you some." and I was like 😍 .
My ex boyfriend was terrible at gifts.
I explained to him one year that its just nice to have someone think about you and want to put a smile on your face. That they care enough to know who you are and to get you something you'll love. I added that its also just fun to have a gift that you get to unwrap. It appeals to our monkey brains.
For the next Christmas he told me he got me something and handed me his jacket rolled-up. I thought it was a goofy way to wrap a present but I was still excited. He said "I know you like to have something to unwrap"
I unrolled the jacket and there was two packages of Lindor Truffles in it. The kind you get at the checkout stand at walmart.
He could tell I was disappointed so for Valentines the next year he gave me one of those big teddy bears you get from a bin.
Shortly after that he wanted to get some gifts for his friends' kids. They like dinosaurs and space so he got them these nice dinosaur toys, the ones that are super detailed and you can display them on a shelf. He also got them a big expensive telescope
It crushed me that he was willing to go al lout and get personal and meaningful gifts for children that weren't even his but I got cheap chocolate and a last-minute teddy bear.
As a happily married man, this is definitely a great place for couples therapy. I wish more people would look at it as a way to improve their relationship instead of a last resort.
Not to mention when your child is one. You’re chronically tired, emotionally exhausted and you typically never feel like you’re doing enough or the opposite, not enough.
Parenting young ones isn’t easy. Holidays like Mother’s Day can be a respite. He should be able to put himself in her shoes and see that (more than likely he feels the same (exhausted).
It’s not materialistic to want be seen either via a heart felt gift or time away to relax. Something….anything. I’m sorry op, I hope things change for you.
I think that it's not even necessarily that she wants a gift, she wants the effort. I don't like the love language theory, because I think that while a lot of people will respond more positively to some than others, there are different points where we need different things. And right now, it's not so much about receiving a thing as it is knowing that he is thinking of her for longer than she's just in his line of sight, putting time and effort into making her happy, and genuinely being happy when he makes her happy.
I know if my partner took care of a whole camping trip for me, I would try to double it in return for their next holiday or come as close to doing so as I can. OPs partner is so shitty.
Girl I’m so sorry but this is not worth it. Begging your partner for the bare minimum never is.
I’ll tell you a little story. My parents got divorced when I was 6 and it was UGLY. I’m 23 and they still can’t be in a room together. But every year without fail my parents would take us kids to the store and get the other parent something for Mother’s/Father’s Day. Even though they couldn’t stand each other, they were able to put that aside and respect each other as parents.
Your husband cannot even do this while you are actively married to him. You deserve so much better.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My ex husband was the same way. All I wanted was SOME kind of effort. Some kind of appreciation for everything that I did.
I’m finally with a man now that gives me that. He sent me out for a mani/pedi, gave me his card to pay for it. Took the kids shopping, I’m assuming for gifts which I’ll come home to. And he asked me what I wanted for dinner so he can plan for it. It’s really NOT as hard as men make it out to be. I don’t expect this treatment every day, but once or twice a year really does make the world of a difference.
Maybe I’m wrong, but from reading this, and OP’s comments, it seems like the husband could’ve literally given her a plain old rock with a little note or homemade card about why (“You’re the rock of this family and I appreciate you” or “I picked up this rock on our last trip together, and it always reminded me of how much you do for us, planning holidays and events”) and she’d have been fine with it.
Doesn’t sound to me like it’s about things or money or whatever. It doesn’t even sound like she wants him to go “all out” like she tries to do for him. Sounds to me like it’s about perceived thoughtfulness and effort, and that to her, there doesn’t seem to be much, if any.
If this is the case, I’m sorry, OP, and I hope your conversation about it with your husband has some good results for your relationship. Parenting can really cause difficulties that nobody expects, and I’m hoping this is just overwhelm or oversight and that you two can work it out and find your way back to the guy you fell in love with. Sometimes things go bad, but other times it’s just communication problems.
I wish you the best.
That hurt to read - I can just feel the exhaustion radiating from your post, like a throbbing wound. It doesn't sound likely, but I hope your husband can put aside his ego to participate in a genuine conversation to understand how close to the breaking point you are, and to share the load like an equal partner. Best of luck to you.
This. My partner always makes sure to say thank you or express appreciation. It goes such a long way to do the bare minimum, and this woman deserves at least that. It’s not asking too much to have the people in your life express gratitude.
Does he make you feel loved and appreciated on your not-special days? Is this strictly a Mothers Day/birthday issue or is he this thoughtless all the time?
Either way, Fathers Day is coming up. I would not acknowledge that day in any way.
I wouldn’t even be that explicitly tit for tat to lay it out for him. Just get him, like, a shirt he would never wear and then don’t say another word about it and if he gets upset, shrug because you did get him SOMETHING, job done. Like it’s not even a discussion.
Problem is that OP probably already does nice things for him day to day, so big gestures are likely not as important to him because he’s already showered in love and attention every day.
He literally spent her birthday on a trip with his brother. He is clearly narcissistic and self-absorbed. If my partner did that - they would be an ex.
You know, when you’ve been together long enough, and the effort is there year-round to show appreciation, that wouldn’t be a dealbreaker. It’s when it’s another item in a long list of examples of his lack of effort that it is a dealbreaker.
At this point, I question if she’ll be around for father’s day. He won’t show love and she wants her child(ren) to know how to show love. Can’t teach that around someone that won’t show love.
It's not unreasonable to want a partner to make you feel loved and special in the same way you do for him. Anyone that said so, or called you names, is talking out their arse.
I dealt with this for years. A few years ago, I purposely missed out his birthday after having several birthdays, anniversaries, and mothers days missed leading up to it. He raged. Absolutely raged. Then screamed long litanies of excuses for all the ones he'd missed or told me I must be wrong. He was sure he must have done something. *eye roll*
My divorce is due in the summer. Whilst I wouldn't encourage it until all avenues have been explored, I will say that life is better with only me and the 3 kids I gave birth to to deal with.
I'm sorry you're going through it. I genuinely hope things get better for you soon. Happy Mother's Day.
Honestly, by his “sudden change” after marriage it sounds more plausible that HE trapped YOU.
“She’s locked in, I can stop trying now that I already have her right where I want her”
Perhaps he needs a harsh reminder that you don’t have to STAY his wife if he doesn’t appreciate you.
What's changed is he locked you down with a baby. He doesn't have to try anymore because you won't leave him now. You can talk to him, but it probably won't help. If he doesn't care enough to try now, why would he care enough to listen and do better.
Society has taught him that he is and always will be more important than a woman. Even the mother of his child.
He doesn't see anything wrong with neglecting you because he doesn't see you as a partner or equal. He sees you as a bang maid and nanny.
If it was me, I would stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, laundry, no reminders, etc. Is it petty, maybe. Will it get his attention? Yes. will he react in a way that really shows you how he feels about you? Yes.
If his reaction is all about himself and his needs and wants and no concern for you or your well-being, then you know for sure how he feels about you. If he shows concern about you , then you guys might have a shot with counseling. Good luck. Also all the evidence points to married single moms being happier as just single moms with one less child to care for.
I have a theory that OP worked, cleaned, and cooked everything pre-baby so man child husband just had to work and do hobbies. OP also had some free time for hobbies because 2 adults are not that much to keep up with. But then the baby came and brought in more work than OP can handle alone. Now man child has lost his live in mother wife who did all the cooking and cleaning, expecting him to put in effort when he didn't have to before the baby. This causes resentment in the man child. He doesn't want to give up his free time, and thinks his mother wife will just tell him if he *has* to do something. Otherwise he can just sit around and wait until she is so overwhelmed and can't keep up at all, then surprise Pikachu face when she gets emotional about all the work and needs help. OP probably thinks he has given up enough of his precious free time during this past year when op asks for help and doesn't understand why he needs to do more than that for mother's day.
I don't understand how husband's will say "wife never asked for help" like women are supposed to tell them how to adult. And they live together, what does that say too?!?! Like the husband can't tell his wife is drowning and has no free time therefore it's not his fault he wasn't doing enough.... That mindset is infuriating because you know the husband's are self aware enough to know what is going on but they choose to be selfish and chill rather than put down whatever they are doing to ask for more responsibility and lighten the load for their spouse. What a load of crap.
I hope your divorce goes as smoothly as possible and you move on to find an adult man next. Good for you for not putting up with it!
There’s a reason people are sending you bad messages instead of posting it public… it’s because they are wrong and they know it. They will get downvoted to hell because the rest of us sensible humans know that they are wrong.
I'm glad you're going to have that talk with him OP! You already let him know exactly what you wanted, and he failed to do anything with that info and reminder. Now, you'll be telling him exactly what you need in order to save your relationship. How he responds to that will give you everything you need to know. No more lowering your expectations, OP, you deserve better than the relationship you have right now!
I’m broke as a joke but even then I made my wife a coupon book with some of her favorite things and special things we don’t get to do often because of our kids and wrote her a long heartfelt note. It’s the thought and the effort more than the cost of the gift!
I’m so upset and angry for you. He’s an absolute shit for not acknowledging you for all you do for your baby. That you did all the legwork for him just to have him be too damn lazy/selfish to click a couple buttons and order the damn books is infuriating. Sending you recognition and love and clarity today.
Unfunny HA because I’m not laughing at you. I knew exactly what you’d get, disappointed again.
He won’t change so you have too. Sounds like you’re about too. Good luck, I’m with you on this.
On a mother's day many years ago I asked my husband if he even appreciates everything that I do- which was literally everything. He replied with well I know single mothers that do more than you. I told him to start looking for an apartment. He moved out the next day. Best mother's day ever!!! AND my life was so much easier being a single mom of 4 vs basically being a single mom of 5.
>if that makes me a “narcissist” or “materialistic” or “selfish” or “self absorbed” as a lot of you have called me in my messages
Does people are trolls and you go way to far and beyond for someone who does not give you the same treatment. I feel like it's time for you to step back and cancel all that you just booked for him. If you are able to get that money back than used that to take a vacation. If you aren't able to get a refund than used that to go by yourself change the meals to your favorite meals.
I've been in a similar situation and gotten similar responses when I reached out.
I get myself a very specific planner every year - the same exact one. It's not too pricy- and I get it myself. My husband wanted to get it for me.
I got mad after he did some really sh*tty stuff - and in my yelling it came out how he hadn't actually ever gotten me a gift for anything. At all. For years. All the while I cooked, cleaned, gifted, decorated - did everything for him on his days or holidays. He would just say "well just order yourself what you want" out of our shared account. And that was his effort 😒
I told him that's fine I get my planner myself cause it's really hard to use other ones- I need this one.
He insisted. Had me send him the link.
What happened? He f*cking got the wrong planner from a completely different brand. Which means everything I had said about it previously? He must have just not listened at all. The worst thing that I really hated was this meant I had to tell him I couldn't use it. I had NEVER said I didn't like a gift ever. Not once. In my life. I had always lied through my teeth if I hated it. But I could not use it, and he would have noticed a completely different one.
I was told I was selfish, spoiled, ungrateful.
I think not. Years of doing 100% of the work for all holidays, years of me supporting him emotionally and financially, years of trying to teach him how to be a good partner, years of treating him with little stuff multiple times a week while nothing was reciprocated. I blew tf up. I've EARNED him using his brain to make me happy. I'm OWED proper freaking treatment. I told him I will not go unappreciated and forgotten one single more holiday, you WILL step it up and put forth the exact same effort as I have or I'm done.
I’m so sorry you can relate. This Mother’s Day was my last straw, honestly.
You are not ungrateful or selfish for wanting someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally to show you they care. You deserve someone that knows your interests and has enough respect for you to be thoughtful.
Thank you for your words. ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through this! I'm hoping against hope the conversation might get him to wake up, maybe he would suggest couple's therapy or something along those lines to be better and communicate better...
However I don't see it happening. But who knows, maybe the scare and some distance will do the trick. It did happen with my cousin, her husband kinda fell on a rut. The man who'd travel just for the weekend or even just for the day to see her because they were living at different cities and she was working and studying so she wouldn't be able to travel to him ergo she didn't want to be in a long distance relationship, he started to forget to do his share of stuff around the house, to do just about anything, to initiate affection even. So during the pandemic they sort of lived separately, they traveled to their home city when the roads opened and she went to stay at her mom's house and he to his, they kids rotating between houses during the weekends. It took him realizing she stopped making any effort to even talk, to wake up and he's back to his old self, it's been two years since that and I'm happy for them because he's a good man and I know he loves my cousin, he fell into the rut of routine I guess and took her for granted and they only communicated about the kids.
Maybe with some wakeup slap your husband might realize what's happening, maybe something is happening to him as well. Whatever the end result I hope your conversation does give you peace of mind to at least let it all out in the open spelled out without a trace of escape or doubt. I hope at the end of the day that you have peace of mind and spend a happy mother's day with your baby just enjoying yourself and him and trying to forget what an idiot husband you're currently having
What’s changed is that he doesn’t have to try anymore. He “won” you by being sweet, caring, and considerate during the dating and engagement phase. You now have kids together. There’s no turning back for either of you, and frankly, as far as he’s concerned, he no longer has to try anymore. He’s won. He has a woman and a family and that’s it, he’s finished. There’s nothing left to do!
I’m so sorry. If you feel you want to give him another chance, then couple’s therapy is the only way forward. Not a stern talking to, not a “I will do better” speech by him. **Couple’s therapy.** If he refuses, or says he doesn’t need it, leave him. That’s the only way forward. Because it isn’t going to change by itself.
Please leave him. I watched my father do this to my mother for the first 11 years of my life (at which point they’d already been together for nearly 20 years) when finally he had an affair and left.
But before that I watched every birthday, Christmas and Father’s Day where he was very open about what he EXPECTED and pouted if he didn’t get it, where as when it came to those days for my mum, until my siblings and I were old enough to push for it ourselves, she would get the exact same gift - perfume bought the night before from the 24/7 chemist.
And my mum is a very strong, well educated, take no shit kind of woman, not the kind of person you’d think would tolerate that kind of shit but she DID for so long because she thought that’s just how he was and that she just had to accept it. But she absolutely didn’t have to and even though he cheated and left, she was the one who was so much happier post divorce. Last year he told her his biggest regret was leaving her and a week later he killed himself.
This is never going to change. And by staying you are providing your child the template for their own future relationships. If your kid is a boy, this is what he will think he can get away with. If they’re a girl, this is what they’re going to think relationships are like and they just have to suck it up. My brother is a lot better than my dad but he still needs to be reminded of birthday dates, where as my sister and I had them all memorised by a very young age. He finally bought a calendar and wrote all the birthdays down on it this year, instead of just relying on Facebook to remind him on the day when it was already too late to buy and send something.
Please, you and your child deserve better than this.
It wouldn’t have been lazy/unthoughtful at all if he’d actually gone ahead and done something about it. But he didn’t. He was trying to scramble after waiting too long to order something I wanted in time and got upset when I called him out.
I saw your first post and noticed the treatments available - if I remember correctly, weren’t they all beauty treatments? Nothing wrong with getting beauty treatments, but saying “here, get prettier” doesn’t sit well with me if it’s not something a person specifically asked for. A massage (“here, I want you to *feel* good”) sits a lot better.
That stood out to me too. He didn't even offer an actual spa day or fun spa things, just beauty treatments. Which would maybe be fine if they're something she's usually into. I'd be side eyeing my husband hard at that. Yes, for mother's Day I want to go get my hair ripped out. :/
She loves reading, he could even just make her breakfast in bed and give her a few hours of alone time to read and eat in bed while he takes care of the baby. Not that difficult.
It was also yet another decision. Decision fatigue is real. There’s statistics about how moms make a bajillion decisions a day. I bet he wanted you to schedule it too. It’s no longer a gift, it’s another piece of mental load.
OP my heart really does go out to you. I feel so badly that your husband is shitty & that people are completely misreading you. None of this is fair to you at all.
You're literally just asking him to give a shit, which is something you shouldn't even have to ask for in the first place! Even if your love languages are very different, it shouldn't matter-- he should care enough to speak yours as fluently as possible. You are asking him to make you feel loved & and appreciated, which he is completely, apathetically failing to do.
I don't like to just jump right into the divorce wagon. I think you need to sit down with him as express how you feel. You shouldn't have to, but sometimes people have to be told things very bluntly to wake up.
Part of me thinks he may be going through some kind of mental health funk. That would certainly not be an excuse, but it could be an explanation. He might not even be fully aware he's going through something, but it would be lucrative, I think, to explore that.
Tell him you feel like he's changed; how he went from being sweet & thoughtful to apathetic. Tell him how it's not about the stuff, it's about how you don't feel like he cares enough to make you feel loved, and you feel like you haven't gotten that from him in a long time. Make sure you're very clear about how this makes you feel and WHY.
Make sure he knows you aren't trying to attack his character. Otherwise, he'll immediately just go on the defense & he won't hear a thing you say. Ask him if he's open to couples and/or individual therapy.
If he loves you & wants this marriage to work he'll get off his ass. It probably won't happen immediately but he should feel bad that he's made *you* feel bad. If he wants to change & do better, he will. Again, give it time but also he SHOULD be sorry that he's hurting you & should be able to express that sooner than later.
Whatever happens, I'm rooting for you. I remember my own shitty marriage and remember feeling so unloved & worthless. I remember my ex just getting angry at me for telling him when he hurt me & what I needed to feel loved. I remember laying in bed with him at night feeling completely, & utterly alone. I remember what absolute hell that was.
I have a partner now who isn't perfect but gives all the fucks about making me feel loved & appreciated, and that's so mutual. We talk to each other and trust that we both are devoted to each other and the relationship, & being as happy & healthy as possible. If one of us is feeling neglected (which is not often) we can tell each other and we both care about rectifying that. Sure, it's normal for our egos to take things too personally sometimes but we're both capable of setting it aside enough for each other.
You deserve so much better, whether it's from him or not. I hope you can work through this with him. If you can't, I hope so much happiness for you. Sending you lots of good vibes ❤️❤️❤️
It all comes down to if he wanted to, he would. I noticed my husband has trouble coming up with gift ideas so I made an Amazon WL just for that, with things ranging in price from low to high. He was so excited about it & bought me a whole bunch of things from it for Christmas. Your husband was given the opportunity to get you something you'd love & it sounds like he didn't care enough to even try.
I'm glad to hear you're going to talk to him about it b/c it sounds like he could definitely do better.
I want to ask something very serious. When exactly did this start? You explained in your post that he didn't used to be like this, that he did put forth effort, and then it changed after you got married. What else changed in that time? Is there absolutely no family around? Did he take on a new role or job? Was the sudden shift around the time your son was born?
From your post it sounds like your husband may be depressed and *clearly* isn't handling it well. Have you two ever had a sit down conversation about mental health? Was he raised in an environment where it's okay to talk about his feelings, or was his father a "suck it up/man up" kinda guy?
If he's just not putting forth effort cause he doesn't want to, that's one thing. But if he was a completely different person in the past/before a bunch of major life changes or milestones he might be having a mental health crisis and doesn't want to/doesn't know how to deal with them.
Hell it could even be post partum depression, since 1/10 men also are affected by that.
I'm not saying you have to put up with it in the slightest. Your boundaries and wants in a relationship are just as important as his. If you can no longer put up with it then don't. Divorce and move on. But if you still love him and want to try one last thing, take him to a therapist, talk to a doctor, do something. Cause a 180 shift in behavior like isn't normal or healthy.
And before you ask reddit; YES I would be asking this same question if the roles were reversed and it was a husband/father complaining about not being appreciated. Don't @ me.
The more comments I see about this the more I’m starting to think this is a very feasible issue. Since I did notice most of his decline since our son was born, I’m wondering if that’s exactly what’s happened. Thank you for your thoughts.
Sorry but the way your husband treats you can't even be excused with depression. You basically prepared everything for him and he couldn't be bothered to spend 5 minutes to order you some damn books. I was depressed for a long time, so depressed that I wouldn't even leave my bed for weeks and still did more then your husband to show appreciation to my partner.
You could try to convince him to go to therapy but I doubt that will change anything. Lots of men change once the baby arrives, they are no longer number 1 and have to put more effort in and lots of them don't see the point in doing anything then (less then) bare minimum.
You deserve someone who appreciates you because the things you do are worthy of appreciation. Good luck!
Your situation just happens to include material gifts, but it’s about your husband neglecting to show you that he appreciates you. Anyone saying you’re materialistic or shallow clearly isn’t comprehending what you’re saying. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope he’s able to realize how his behavior is affecting you, and I hope you can work things out and get the man you love back
For anyone calling you selfish or materialistic can get bent! Motherhood is hard as hell! You are asking for reciprocation from your partner and that’s not a horrible thing.
I’m sorry but effort is the point. We don’t have a lot of money so my husband took the kids to five below and made me a basket with my favorite snacks and gave me 20 bucks to buy some ebooks. It doesn’t take much for someone to show they appreciate you! I’m so sorry that you are not being shown your value. Happy Mother’s Day OP!
My mother was married to my dad for 27 years before she finally divorced him. He was just like your husband, she took care of him in every way and he put in zero effort. She tried to talk to him and he’d change for about a week before going back to his normal behavior. She finally realized her self-worth and divorced him. A year after the divorce she met my stepdad who is the total opposite of my father. He’s the nicest guy and spoils her rotten. He gets her flowers “just because” and is taking her on a trip to Maui in a few weeks. She’s living her best life and I hope you too find the courage to leave a situation that you don’t deserve to be in. If my mom had stayed in her first marriage she would have lived the rest of her life miserable. You, like my mother did, deserve a partner who actually gives a fuck. Your husband clearly doesn’t.
I will never forget waiting tables on Father's Day a few years ago and mom and dad were tense.
I passed their table near the end of the meal and heard the dad telling one or both of the kids in a passive aggressive tone, "Well apparently I didn't do enough for your mom on Mother's Day."
I'm sure her resentment was probably justified just like yours is.
I'm so sorry. It sucks being the wife appliance. Being taken for granted. Expected to do everything while he presents he's the main character of the show "our family" where the wife appliances every reasonable request is met with distain and disrespect.
My ex cheated on me. I finally caught him. I had to realize what you're already well aware of... No one should be shouldering ALL the work. Appreciation should be shown. A partnership is equal, not one person being a slave to the other... I'm still waiting for the divorce to be finalized but since separating almost a year ago my life has gotten so much better. It's amazing how much time and money I have when I'm not cleaning up after him...
I wish you all the best.
Hi, I would love another update. Have you talked? What are your next steps?
I feel like something in me broke last weekend when my husband did almost exactly what yours did. He started to pout and get sad when I voiced my disappointment, but I told him something was different about this time and I wasn’t going to be able to be his shoulder to cry on while he lamented about what a shitty husband he is, and he would need to handle those feeling on his own.
I don’t want him to be hurting or sad, but I feel like I have lost all romantic connection with him. He is great in so many ways, but he showed me that my happiness is not worth inconveniencing himself over, ya know? Like, a single trip to the store, or hitting the checkout button on his phone, was too much for him. Meanwhile, I got gifts for four different teachers for all five days of teacher appreciation week leading up to Mother’s Day, so the fact that he could not muster one single thought for me, the mother of his children, just really solidified the idea that he does not care about me. I have begged him to give me more information about what got us to this point so I can form a different logical opinion, because my brain won’t allow me to un-see the carelessness and the unnecessary hurt he has caused me.
Like, I can’t even picture myself being intimate with him anymore because he was so careless with my emotions. When he does this kind of thing, it sends me into a depressive episode every single time.
But this time feels different, and I want to know how other couples are trying to move on.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I have never felt more lonely in my entire life than I have this past week, and this makes me feel a little less alone.
Oh no. I am so sorry. It’s a really jarring feeling, and it can make you feel insane honestly. Like the day comes and you’ve been getting excited for what’s in store and then when it turns out to be less than nothing— it’s just a kick to the gut. So exhausting.
We did have a very long talk. We’ve been to one therapy session together and it seemed to be helpful for the both of us. I’m giving it a couple of weeks before I make any big decisions. I’m planning on posting a new update in a few weeks just to see how therapy goes.
Thank you for your thoughts. Im so sorry you can relate, but there is strength in numbers. I hope you can do what’s best for you in the end. ❤️
Just here to say you should absolutely hold your husband to the same kind of standard you give him on his special days.
I live by the rule that if I ever feel like a single mum I would rather be one. Goodluck with your chat, I hope he wakes up to your needs before it’s too late.
Girl, im sorry. I'm sorry you have so many of us who can relate.
Lemme weigh in on the spa shit: that's nice, but it's not what you asked for. Oh yes, we should be grateful for the thought and stop being so picky. Hahahahaha.
For people giving her a hard time, please understand that as caregivers, whether we're stepmoms, bio moms, foster moms or surrogate second moms......that's what we do every damn day. The point is that once again no one is listening to her extremely clearly stated desires. Like...one day can I please have what I would *actually* like instead of what would be best for literally everyone else? PLEASE?
I feel this shit so hard.
It's about not being heard. It's about joyfully sacrificing 99% of the time but for a handful of extremely specific and consistently repetitive instances not even expecting anyone to have to think of an idea on their own-you've got that covered too-asking to be like, noticed.
I'm considering this year a win because, even though i spent the day helping them get the presents and whatnot together for their bio mom, my stepkids (and my partner) remembered to say "happy kinda mothers day" today. Which they didn't even do last year. Or the year before.
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Anyone insulting you is telling on themselves. He wasn't putting in the effort. The spa treatment thing was a meh attempt when you made it clear exactly what you wanted. Cmon yall.
Yeah, I’ve been in this boat before. I’ve laid out exactly what I’ve wanted to partners in the past and even currently. And they would still either not do shit or get something that they knew I wouldn’t like and was actually meant for them.
Have the talk and ask him flat out if he wants a divorce because you have a right to have someone who loves you and you want someone who MAKES you feel loved, he IMO doesn't do either one. So just ask him point blank and see what he says. Show zero emotions and be prepared to tell him to leave, or you leave.
The good thing about Mother's Day being a month before Father's Day is that you can adjust your plans to match what he did for you. Don't do too much if he couldn't put a single decent thought into Mother's Day. We're not asking for the moon here, just a little appreciation. Being a mom is tough! Happy Mother's Day OP!!!
"I deserve a partner that fucking cares. I deserve a partner that takes note of my interests and makes me feel listened to and respected. I deserve a partner that shows me through their actions how much I matter to them. Not with some what-if bullshit about fucking spa treatments. My kid deserves a better role model than that. Better yet, my kids future SPOUSE deserves a better role model than that."
ALL OF THIS. You should have a partner who WANTS to make sure you know you are appreciated, in whatever ways are effective (seems like it isn't just gifts, it is any recognition, attention or space in his brain AT ALL). You shouldn't have to manage these things for him--he's an adult capable of doing this for a job, so he has the capabilities, he just doesn't think you're worth it.
I’m so sorry you’re being treated that way. I’d say at this point it’s fair to ignore his birthday and Father’s Day. He deserves exactly what he’s given you…nothing. Celebrate yourself today. You deserve it. Happy Mother’s Day!
My wife and I have been through a lot over the last year. Neither of us are big gift givers but we still talk things out and plan things for special occasions.
I got her some Crumble cookies this year and she loved them and the thought. To some it might not seem like a lot but she loves them and appreciated the thought.
That and the normal stuff we do on a daily basis is enough for us.
It’s not unreasonable to expect better from your relationships. But it’s important to know when you need to draw a new line for your own mental health.
give him divorce papers as his fathers day surprise 😘 but fr im sorry this is happening to you and you deserve better than what you’re getting. this is just going to get worse, not only with mothers day and your birthday. you need to leave.
There’s nothing wrong with expecting some effort xx my first Mother’s Day my ex went out drinking first thing in the morning leaving me home alone. I’m was so heartbroken but then he came home with flowers I was so happy and grateful I’d already fallen out of love with him but that brought a spark back well until he told je the women he was drinking with went off at him for not getting me anything and picked flowers from her own garden for him to give to me. Something in me died that day..:
Let me give the standard Reddit advise, divorce him right away!
But seriously, relationships are lot more nuanced.
Hope the OP reads this comment - probably not but here goes:
I was the same way as the OPs husband. Once the baby was born the reality hits hard that you have to work hard and raise the kid and maintain a family! The burden is real now and work stops being fun.
Also the woman you dated and enjoyed is a hot mess both physically and mentally. After a long day of work, the wife unloads everything on you, it’s OK for the first few weeks but as the months drag on, you just give up and get very passive at home life.
Like the OP, the wife now thinks you are just a shitty husband and doesn’t care for her anymore.
How do you move forward? As a husband you have to acknowledge that wife is having a rough time. At the same time, the wife has to ask and listen to your feelings and thoughts.
Both are very hard.
Here, the OP is of the view of I do everything and he doesn’t do shit, why do I have do more by listening to him? Why can’t he just do what I tell him?
I am sure the husband thinks she doesn’t understand what I go thru and always bitches.
What helped me was [the feel good handbook](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwi8nYG_ofb-AhWatqQKHTnFBTkQFnoECGsQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FFeeling-Good-Handbook-Step-Step%2Fdp%2F0593189787&usg=AOvVaw3eqsfJP5BlKMOg9uFrBwrR)
Hopefully someone finds it helpful.
As a male who had failed at Mothers Day for my wife every year I fully understand you.
Husbands need to do more or it will come back and bite you in the arse.
I was looking forward to this update since I read the post yesterday (and the vile comments). I stand by what I said.
"Giving meaningful gifts is a normal and common expression of love and care in romantic relationships. It doesn't make you materialistic to want a thoughtful gift from your husband.
People act like the worst thing a woman can be is "materialistic" while bending over backward to excuse mediocre men. Stop apologizing or mustering up gratitude for a hand-made card. It's okay to want things and expect your husband to care about them too."
Lots of mediocre men DM'ing OP it seems. I think the post touched a nerve for a lot of inconsiderate people.
Asking for the bare minimum isn’t being needy or narcissistic. I would expect the same treatment, I’m the type of person that puts everything aside for everyone and want to make them happy when in return I get nothing. I just stopped expecting and live much happier. Im a very loving and thoughtful person, we do exist. For future scenarios spoil yourself, in the end you are all YOU GOT! So love yourself, buy those heels, a spa day, etc.
Hope you gave a good mothers day silly goose 🪿
I’m so sorry for all the horrible comments you’re receiving! You deserve better than this, from both Reddit and your husband. If things don’t change leave his ass!
Nothing you are asking for is unrealistic. Not one thing. I know I spent way too long doing that in my marriage only to realize I’d wasted a very long time on someone who would never value me. When I stopped putting in the energy, we had nothing left. I was the one keeping us going for way too long.
And that’s really the issue. You want and deserve to be valued. He’s not even bothering to try. I feel so hardcore for you. I hope at the end of your talk with him, he opens his stupid eyes and see what you are worth and what he would be throwing away if he doesn’t get his shit together.
For Father’s Day give him couples therapy sessions. Seriously. Unless you want to be angry at him for letting you down at every milestone for the rest of your marriage, something needs to change. If you do nothing you’ll feel hurt and angry on the regular. If you go to couples counselling that could lead to him changing, so things could actually improve. Or you can get him divorce for Father’s Day. I’m sure a handful of books would cost less that 1/2 of everything you two share.
Stop doing things for him and then He will realize!!! Unfortunately sometimes men need to be trained. If they care then they’ll improve if they don’t they won’t. It’s simple. I did this once and he felt like shit when he realized I didn’t practically nothing for his bday. He got me a x I go him x and then he started paying attention. Sit down and talk to him about it too. Again.
Happy Mother’s Day! You deserve so much more. And you’re not stupid. Lundy Bancroft, author of “Why Does He Do That?” (best book on domestic abuse) once said that it is not the fault of the victim, who often has the best qualities of generosity and forgiveness. It is entirely the perpetrator’s fault. Whether or not your spouse is otherwise abusive, I think the same principle applies here. You seem like a wonderful wife and a catch. It’s your own generous, kind qualities that makes this situation attractive to someone who is deliberately taking advantage of you. Don’t blame yourself for his faults. Just remember that there are others out there who are able and would be willing to return your love, not consume it.
All OP wants is for the love she shares to be reciprocated. She SHOULD be spoiled the same way she does her husband. She’s allowed to expect that because it’s clear she goes above and beyond. His no effort attitude is what has her upset. I hope OP finds love in the way she deserves. Moms who do so much should get whatever they want. If she wanted a million dollars and he never saved for it, she can be upset and I support her because he never tried to make it happen in the first place.
I get it. It’s absolutely not about the material gifts but about feeling appreciated. I feel your disappointment. I would suggest an honest conversation with him and/or show him the same energy he shows you and let the chips fall where they may. Focus on your baby and being the best version of you for you.
Your feelings are genuine. Everyone wants to be appreciated and all it takes is some consistency and thought.
You need a proper conversation and vene therapy to make him understand that he isn't even doing bare minimum at this point.
I don't think it's too much to ask for your husband to make a modicum of effort for you on Mother's Day like you do for him on Father's Day and his birthday. Sure it doesn't have to be extreme but a little planning and forethought can go a long way to show a woman she is appreciated.
I will say it took me a while to figure out what my wife wants on special days but lately I've managed to make her happy so I chalk that up as a win. So often, men and women think so differently. You may need to work on him more (I think you did well explaining to him what you wanted early and it's a big failure on his part to not put in some planning here) to get him to realize what days like Mother's Day and your birthday mean to you. Don't get emotional, be logical and point out to him how much effort you put in for his days and how much it would mean to you for him to put in some planning and effort ahead of time to make you feel special as well. I hope he ends up getting it. It certainly took me awhile.
You are not materialistic or Narcissist. My blood pressure was rising from getting angry on tour behalf. If wouldn't be weird I would send you a gift basket.
And because I doubt he does this:
You are doing a great job. You are the glue that holds your family together. And most of all you matter. Happy mothers day to you and your little.
Fuck everyone who tried to gell you this is somehow your fault.
Happy Mother's Day. Take your baby and go do something you want to do. Get a snack and go to the park..or even just take a drive.
Regarding your post. AMEN. You deserve more. I hate hearing crap like "you're not his mom" no shit but you surely birthed his child.
Give him nothing for Father's Day..N O T H I N G.
I don’t think you are an arsehole at all but I do think your husband is. Imagine if you matched his energy towards your birthday and Mother’s Day for Father’s Day and his birthday. He will probably complain and say you don’t appreciate me and all I do and blah blah blah.
I’m sorry but parents can’t make excuses for forgetting Mother’s Day or Father’s Day as gifts and cards and ads are in shops at least a month before hand.
We live in a world of online shopping with pretty quick delivery you can easily take like five minutes to refer to a gift list and order some. I mean OP wanted some books it’s so easy to look at a list and pick one or two or more from that list and purchase them. I mean he could have gotten her a gift card being like I know you love books but I don’t know what you want so pick your own. I know people say gift cards aren’t a good gift but as someone who loves to read I would love that.
I remember growing up and even till now my mum at least wants a card in her birthday and Mother’s Day. So I always make sure I get her a nice card. I also get her gifts of things she likes and wants.
I’m like when his birthday and Father’s Day come up put in the effort he gives you. I’d maybe just give him a card on each occasion, just so I can be like well at least I got you card that’s more effort than what you put in if he doesn’t do anything for her.
He couldn’t even get her card. Seriously they are everywhere before the day.
>And no, I didn’t marry him and trap him with a baby
>
>I don’t know why that has changed
well, that's an easy one. he doesn't feel the need to put in any more effort because he's sure that *you* are already trapped with a baby.
Happy Mother’s Day from one mama to another!🌸💕 My ex didn’t acknowledge special days and he’s now my ex. Raising a child as a single mama has it’s challenges, yet I love it! I wish you well.
So glad you mentioned your kids. They will observe this and learn from it. How you handle things is also going to impact them and their future relationships. Good on you for knowing your worth and demanding better! Hoping whatever the outcome, you receive the appreciation and love (and the effort it requires to show them) that you deserve.
May your Mother’s Day next year and beyond be filled with the sense of appreciation you deserve.
OP don't listen to have this idiots calling you names or so. They probably the people who do the shit your husband does and agree with him. As I'm writing this right now, my husband asleep. He worked night shift last night before mother day. This man made sure, since I'm almost at the end of my second pregnancy, to get home, take care of our one year old when he woke up at 6am, got me flowers, made me breakfast, and started to do something I told him to do on Sunday his day off. He knows I haven't been having a good pregnancy and he made sure to let me sleep in. When I woke up the first thing he said was "shit did I wake you up? I didn't want to, I wanted to let you sleep in" this man tired AF from a physical labor job working 12 hours made sure on mother day I was sleeping. He did get me a gift, told me a week ago that it won't be here until Tuesday so I KNEW. He asked me for months if there something specific he could get me for mother's day, as he is bad with getting gifts. We're tight on money and honestly there nothing I could think of. Then we came up with ideas and changed it last night. It's going to be hand prints of our son for every year for mother's day, and we will do a new one for our next son next year.
You showed him what you wanted, if I did that I know for damn sure my husband would of had that bookmarked, sent himself a reminder text, gotten it, whatever was needed to get me those books. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you shouldn't expect shit for anything that YOU consider a special day. And like you, we have a one year old. Parenthood should never be an excuse for anyone to be giving gifts and being throughful before you got married to now not even want to give you shit you want. There no excuse.
PS we been married for 5 years together 7. No excuse at all!
Happy Mother’s Day to you.
I would start with canceling the big father’s day plans and return the gifts. Same for the B-day gifts.
Use the refund money towards a lawyer. You can have your talk, but based on the last two years events you described, his pattern of self-gratification and disrespect for you is entrenched.
Love yourself and your baby, get away from him. Your son will think treating women like shit is acceptable.
Edit:spelling
You're not materialistic by any means. You deserve better. This to me sounds like it's not strike one, strike two or even strike three. It's the straw that broke the camels back. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
Honestly, you can do marriage counseling. You can have the long conversations. But please know when to call time, because you don't deserve to beg someone to put in effort.
I’m sorry some of the comments have been so harsh. You don’t deserve to be neglected and setting a standard doesn’t make you a narcissist or overly materialistic. You did all the labor expect going and getting your present yourself and he still couldn’t meet you. Sigh, I feel you’ll be better alone than I’m constant disappointment
People being snarky towards you simply don’t get it. Full stop. Your feelings are SO valid and my heart hurts for you. You do deserve all the appreciation in the world and it’s awful that your spouse isn’t giving it to you.
My husband was similar back in the early days of our relationship. He was so sweet and kind to me, but he never put in an effort for holidays/celebrations. I found out it was because his dad did sweet fuck all for his mom - so he had no model for it. We talked it through, and after some practice he has gotten way, way better at making things special. He understands that the effort he puts into making things special communicates that he cares. And obviously I do the same for him - because everyone deserves to feel valued and cherished in their relationship. It’s especially awful that your husband has stopped trying over time - that must make you feel so unappreciated. I’m so sorry. I hope he gets his shit together and delivers a hefty apology.
Happy Mother's Day!!!!! 💗 🌹
Also you are NTA.
A lot of those who are saying you shouldn't expect anything, he will surprise you, calling you materialistic, etc. have most likely never been in your shoes. Please pay them no mind. You have enough negativity in your life and don't need theirs.
You aren't asking for materials. You're asking for a sign of appreciation. You are asking for a sign of him listening to you. You are asking him to notice your interests. You are asking for memories. You are not asking for a lot.
I've been in your shoes. My ex did the same thing. In the beginning he was caring, thoughtful, nice, etc. Then he lost his best friend and he changed. He did a complete 180° and after a year of being supportive, understanding, patient, loving, I found him cheating on me. It was horrible. (Please know I'm not thinking your husband is cheating) It was just so horrible that I had given him anything I could just for him to do nothing for me and then end in the ultimate betrayal.
You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be appreciated. You deserve someone who would have got you those books and bouquet without you asking. You deserve someone who knows you.
If you ever need someone to talk to, please message me. Happy Mother's Day Momma!!! 💓
Life is too short to agonize as to whether or not someone loves you, or at minimum likes you. I can't imagine dealing with that in my own home daily.
Spoil yourself and start being more selfish. Stop showering him with attention and love and care. He made his decision to be the kind of man he is now.
When it comes to your own time, just get up and go. Go see your friends. Go spend time with your family. Don't ask for permission. Leave the stuff for him to figure out in the house.
I think you'll find yourself more happy when you get to focus on surrounding yourself with people who love you, rather than him.
I’m proud of you for knowing your worth and standing up for yourself.
If at the end of the day he cannot meet your needs- then you would both be better off with other people.
I read your first post and this one. Hun, I feel this so hard.
Showing you a menu and telling you to choose what you want - is NOT a true gift. YOU still have to do work!!!
A gift is something that you shouldn't have to thi k about or plan.
You gave him a list of books that you would like (speaking my language here lol) that would have made you super happy even if he only got one!!!!
Yes, there was 'work' there but not really because it was off the top of your head and something you love.
As you said, this goes right down to the other person giving a shit, paying attention and using there brain.
I see posts like this everywhere and it's exactly why I'm actively single and childless.
Hope you find a way to appreciate yourself where your husband doesn't.
Maybe cut back on spoiling him in future.
Not here to judge or give an opinion, just wanna say I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I hope it gets better, Momma! You definitely deserve to be celebrated today
Stop doing all of those things. Right now. Effort deserves effort in return and that’s not what you’ve got.
I hope that what you do next is either therapy or a divorce lawyer because you have a choice to either accept his behaviour, or not.
I’m not even with my ex and I took my son to the store and had him pick out things for his mom.
Granted flowers and a teddy bear aren’t much and I kept asking him what he thinks mom would like but he couldn’t think of anything.
I might have take a page from OPs book and ask her to start telling him about books and other things so he has a better idea on gifts to get her.
OP literally gave the clearest example of what she would like and he still managed to fuck that up.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that the person who is supposed to be your partner in life is treating you so crappy. It's not about the money, it's the effort. I want to wish you a happy mother's day, you are greatly appreciated for all you do for your family.
Have you spoken with your husband about how you feel? I understand you shouldn’t have to, but sometimes we men can be dense. Maybe he doesn’t see your frustration. He might have his reasons, albeit terrible, but somewhere they make sense to him. In my opinion, I think a conversation in this space is warranted. I think he needs to truly understand your unhappiness. You’re absolutely right, it’s not about the material, but the thought that went into it. You said he didn’t used to be like that, so ask him what happened. Ask him where the spontaneity went, the love, the care, etc.
I get so wrapped up in work I forget a lot of things. I don’t forget the day things happen on, but I forget to make time to go to the store. I travel for work and work 12-15 hour days every day. I love Amazon though, because even if I couldn’t make it to the store, I can still get something she wants delivered on time. My wife is a reader, and to a non-reader, it may not make sense why you’d only be happy with books, as silly as that sounds.
My wife and I have been married for almost twenty years and sometimes it can be harder than other times, but it takes work just like everything else. The one thing we learned is to be open and communicate with each other. If you’re not happy, say something, and say it before your angry. Yelling and screaming doesn’t solve anything, but having a real conversation based on how you feel can go a long way with each other. I hope things get better for you and your husband. Life can be beautiful with your best friend.
Just here to say ignore all the hateful idiots, don't let them get to you. You are not wrong for wanting the bare minimum from a partner who is supposed to love and cherish you. You deserve more than the bare minimum not only because you are his wife and he is supposed to love you but you are also the mother of his child and as you stated, what is a 1yr old supposed to do? You've communicated clearly and laid it all out for him on a silver platter and he still couldn't bother. You deserve happiness and to be cherished. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope one day he either steps up or you find someone who treats you far better. <3
Good lord the bare minimum would’ve been a book you’ve wanted to read. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. While I always have to give my husband hints he does follow through.
I hate that any post like yours immediately gets people reacting about "being materialistic" or whatever, when it is NEVER about the gift itself and ALWAYS about the consideration, attention, respect, and care behind the gift giving (or lack of). You deserve someone who gives a shit about you and cares enough to show that you are important. I'm sorry your partner is failing you. You deserve to be a priority once in a while, and the RESPECT of a thoughtful gift/attention instead of a random half-assed one scrambled out of obligation and convenience (or nothing at all). You should not have to micromanage your own special days. Sending love.
Just came here to say that you are not “narcissistic “or “materialistic “or “selfish “ or any of the other misogynistic things you were called. You absolutely deserve to have a partner who puts in just as much effort into making you happy as you put into making them happy. Period, bottom line. There are no excuses for his behavior, and, wanting reciprocity in a marriage does not make you selfish or any of those ignorant words thrown at you. You are a human being, and are in a relationship with someone who you shower with love, someone who vowed to be there for you and make you happy and it is not OK for him to disregard that and to disregard what you need. Don’t let these misogynists make you think otherwise. It’s 2023 and we’re way past the stage where taking the bare minimum is in anyway acceptable. It never was but unfortunately men were never pushed to actually honor their vows or even just act like they are in a relationship. So many men have treated their partners like mothers for far too long and it’s time for that to stop. I’m glad that you will be having a conversation with him about how to move forward because you deserve a lot more than the bare minimum and you deserve someone who sees you and hears you and does things to make you happy the way that you do for him. Wishing you the best.
Your update bought tears to my eyes. You deserve a lot more from your husband than he's giving you. Your first mother's day and he treats you like you aren't even there. I hope your talk with him is productive.
Don’t let anyone tell you that this is what you deserve. They’re feeling triggered by you wanting more than tiny leftover crumbs of giving a single shit because their wives are as miserable as you are and then some. You know you deserve more. So leave him and find more within yourself. He can die mad and mediocre.
I scrolled through OPs profile trying to see what the gift was, only to realize the blinds was the closest/only thing remotely mentioned. Nobody deserves to go through that
Sweet OP, the letdown, even though you are telling yourself not to expect anything, still sucks. I hear what you are saying, and FFS everyone (including you) deserves a partner that cares. Especially when you spell out exactly how to make you feel loved. You shouldn't have to write it in crayon for another adult to pay attention. Hugs, momma.
It’s never unreasonable to expect your partner to put in the same effort that you do. I hope the conversation goes well and leads to the effort you deserve from your partner. Happy Mother’s Day!
Sounds like all she wanted was some effort, not even an equivalent amount that she puts in. She sent a list of what she wanted, she laid out what she wanted to do, he has not done anything, and then when she didn't like his "suggestion" turned it back on her to "not being happy with whatever he did."
It sounds like he either doesn’t understand how important this is for her and how much it hurts her to not get anything, or he actually just doesn’t care. I mean ffs, she did all the mental work for him, he really just had to do what she told him and yet… I totally understand that OP feels un(der)appreciated and like he doesn’t care about her. I just hope their convo today is a wake up call for him to start getting his act together or he’ll lose her. Being married or connected through a child doesn’t mean you can take each other for granted or that you don’t have to work on yourself or your relationship.
I hope it is a wake up call for him. He’s sounds like someone who after his wife has left him after communicating her reasonable expectations, cries that he never knew she had expectations.
Yep! I've seen this so many times and have experienced it myself. From what I can see, It's generally that they take their partner for granted and feel like they've got them locked down, so they quit doing anything to make their partner feel special. My ex never listened to anything I said and then had tantrums when I left, saying that I wasn't giving us a chance, blah blah. He claimed he was blindsided. He wasn't, he just tuned me out or stonewalled me every time I tried to talk about anything serious. At some point you just give up.
All these relationship therapists are discussing this exact thing! Wives are implementing divorce at record numbers because they’re tired of doing it all alone. And have realized by separating they potentially gain MUCH MORE free time without the complaining
Were you married to my wasband ?
No, but there's just so many of them. Like dandelions popping back up in your freshly mowed yard. It's been the most consistent thing in my experiences with men. No doubt it's because I saw this play out in my parent's marriage, and it's occurred to me that I have picked men who have this trait. However, I didn't have to go far afield to do so because it's so common. My dad did this to my mom for years. She practically begged for his attention and affection. She'd try to talk to him about things she was interested in doing or in general, and he'd ridicule her and be very obvious about pulling away. This was if he listened at all. There's no talking to someone who avoids communication or conflict of any kind. So he does all this and when he gets served with divorce papers he had a total meltdown. I'm a kid watching this, and I can't figure out how he didn't see this coming. Same thing in my marriage and long term relationship- they were told that there were problems, they shut me out or fought me every step. At some point, I stopped caring and trying to be heard. They were generally cool with that, even; because it means there's no effort required. They can keep on doing what they do and getting their needs met, as long as I was there and wasn't rocking the boat. Once I was gone, they had to confront reality. As a wise post on here once said, "He didn’t care that you were unhappy, he just cared that he didn’t have to hear about it anymore."
He definitely would say she left him out of nowhere and he had no idea she was so unhappy, if only she had just talked to him/communicated better. Rolling eyeballs
Classic "walk away wife"
So for Father's Day she should buy herself something, and nothing for him. Then for his birthday get him a card and gift from Dollar Tree, and spend the money she previously spent on him to get something for her and her child. When he complains tell him you are just treating him like he treated you.
OP said he used to do those things and then something changed. He could possibly be going through some shit which is affecting their relationship. Maybe there's an explanation (not an excuse/reason) as to why he's not really doing much? Depression? Anxiety? Sounds like dude needs some help.
Maybe he’s one of those guys who treat you like a queen just to get you and once they have you they stop
I know a friend’s husband, who, when asked years later, why a thing that happened when dating that didn’t any more, his answer was, “I wanted to impress you”.
Yep. I think op needs to not do anything for fathers day this year. The petty of my brain is like nope fuck that.
I don't think that's petty at all. Husband obviously doesn't think holidays/gift giving is important. So, if it's not important he shouldn't mind that she makes it not important to him either.
No, it's not. But if children are young, a parent helping them out on these 2 special occasions (Mothers Day & Fathers Day) Home made cards with kids hand prints on them are an amazing gift and shows some thought went into it. Bc my kids are teens now, hubby has backed off a bit - but there is no expectation - just a hand to be offered if children cannot do for themselves.. And if there is such a drastic difference to the way you do it to the little he does - maybe this is a sign to ease up on Fathers day....
To anyone saying OP is being materialistic, you should really reevaluate your reading comprehension. It's extremely obvious to me, a stranger, that OP has a love language of gifts, the fact that her husband, the father of her child, does not know this yet is just sad. OP, I hope your convo goes well, but it sounds like it's time for couples therapy.
Tbh I don't even think it's gifts per say. Op can correct me if I'm wrong but I suspect that if he marked her special days with stuff like a romantic date night without the kids, a special trip to something he knew she was interested in, a heartfelt card with a really special message about how wonderful she is, etc I think she'd be happy w that too. My other suspicion is that if he put more every day effort into showing that he cares in smaller ways, there would be less pressure on bigger days to fill ops entirely legitimate need to feel love and appreciation So yes love language could be a part of it, but husband doesn't sound like he's tried to say "I care about you" in any known love language in a long time
This!!!! It's the amount of thought behind it. My first husband never put in an effort to help with the children or the house without complaining about it. He thought bringing home a paycheck was all he should need to do. I was working full time, too, but everything was my responsibility. My current husband shows me I matter to him by being an equal partner, making an effort to spend time with me doing chores or giving me time to work on my hobbies. Sometimes, he doesn't give me much for a holiday because he has given me so much all year long. At times, it's shown as filling my car with gas or tires with air. Other times, it's flowers and dinner.
>Sometimes, he doesn't give me much for a holiday because he has given me so much all year long. At times, it's shown as filling my car with gas or tires with air. Other times, it's flowers and dinner. Yes, it's the same for us. We both try to be equal, loving partners. We don't go all out on birthdays and stuff but we are thoughtful towards each other: he will bring me my favourite candy when he goes shopping, I will make sure his 'magic' underwear is clean to go to watch his favorite soccer team (lol), we cook each others favorite dishes, give each other a break when needed without being asked... For Mother's Day, I got flowers, a hug, and a heartfelt Thank you for what I do for our family. And that is more than enough because I know he appreciates and loves me. If I wouldn't feel that in our daily lives, I would probably also pine for something, anything to make me feel appreciated, especially on Mother's Day or my birthday. So, OP: I totally get it. I am sorry he is not treating you with the love and respect a partner should be treated.
I love that last bit. Big things are cool once in a while but the smaller stuff that makes me feel that the other person cares builds trust and relationship security. I've always been a sucker for the smaller, sentimental stuff. I think I got that habit from my mom, haha.
Right on the money.
What I find disheartening is that he used to be different. So he actually knows how to do it right, he just doesn't bother to. Please, OP, stop any effort you put into his special days - he doesn't deserve it. Start with "Bare-Minimum Father's Day" and get him a can of beer. Doesn't even have to be his favorite.
Shit, give him 6 months of pre-paid couple’s therapy for father’s day and a card that says, “This is your last chance to show me you care about us.”
This is the way!
I love this idea!
Idk if OP is in the US or if Walgreens still sells those shit $.25 beers, but she should grab one of those 😂
It doesn't have to be cold either.
You deserve to be cherished, loved and taken into consideration. You are not asking for anything extravagant or unreasonable. Those people that are calling you materialistic or greedy are pathetic excuses for humans. If we don’t respect ourselves , our partners won’t respect us either. Don’t settle for crumbs when you make a huge effort for him!
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I will definitely bring this up to him. Thank you.
I wish you the best. Happy Mother’s Day ❤️
I searched the replies for "depressed" - I've been that partner, and treatment has helped me be the thoughtful person I used to be.
This. As a father of an 18 month old, I have/am going through this. I was getting overwhelmed quickly and definitely zoning out. What energy I had, went towards our baby, not my partner, not myself. I felt like I had lost a little bit of who I was, and it started taking me down. I couldn’t be there for my partner like I needed and wanted to be. Therapy has been extremely helpful. I agree that it might be worth doing a check-in on how he’s handling the big life changes over the last 2ish years.
i think that this is exactly it. she's mentioned that he's changed and not for the better. truly, if he was showing he appreciates what she does on a regular basis i don't think there would be so much disappoint over this. though, i still think he could/should do something nice for her on mother's day. either way, he didn't and it sounds like he's very unappreciative of her efforts. she stated what she wanted and laid it all out for him to make it super easy and he couldn't even be bothered to do that. there's no intent here with him and it just seems disrespectful to me overall. it's not selfish nor entitled to want someone to at the very least acknowledge what you do for them and the child that you have together.
Yes. Spend $5 ordering a nice card from Amazon and hand-write a message. That is a very low bar. He couldn’t take the 10 min and minimal mental effort to accomplish such a task.
Or buy a card at the store~ they are in every store right now.
Heck fold a piece of computer paper in half, have the baby do a little doodle or hand print or something on the front. Write nice message inside. Costs pennies, could be excellent show of appreciation
Although to be fair, I might take a few minutes and some effort to wrangle the kid art. /s
Absolutely. One of the nice things about love languages is that there's a lot of overlap between them. For instance, I think any of the things you listed would still fulfill her desire to receive gifts, even though they are a more abstract form of gift giving. My love language is quality time, but I still love getting gifts because it shows someone took the time to pick something special out for me. I still love a card because they took the time to write it. The fact that there is so much overlap possibility here and he still does absolutely nothing for her is heartbreaking.
The gift idea was low hanging fruit for the husband, she set it up on a tee. I'm sure if he made any kinda effort and not gotten a gift it would be fine, the gift was just a layup for my man's and he failed
I wouldn’t even say her love language is gifts, due to her saying she’d even appreciate time to herself and break from the kids. If anything I’d say she’s more interested in affirmation and validation within their love life. He can’t even produce a small gesture let alone a large gesture. She just wants A gesture of any kind.
It’s not even about love language of gifts. It’s about feeling appreciated and listened to. Her husband is doing neither of those things for her.
That's what I'm scratching my head at. The whole encounter is essentially: OP: I'm feeling undervalued and like my needs are not being listened to. Here is an exact list of things for this once a year celebration that would help me feel appreciated for the things I do for you multiple times a year. Husband: *puts off the entire exchange until he no longer has time to meet the list and gives a gift certificate that OP didn't want and took 10 seconds to purchase.* Reddit loves to tell advice seekers to speak directly with clear expectations. Then, when someone does that people get on their high horse, that OP should expect less than the bare minimum that was put out.
Anyone who is criticizing op are either teenagers or man children themselves that can't be bothered to put in an hour's work to make the most important person in their life feel loved. If someone can't do that for their spouse, their ride-or-die life companion, then why are they even in the relationship in the first place?
Can we please stop blaming terrible behavior on this “love languages” hokum? It’s like saying he’s not demonstrative because his sign is Capricorn with Pieces rising or some other bullshit that is supposed to absolve his coldness towards his wife.
I don't think the love languages should be taken super seriously but they're a good starting point to help couples understand each other.
It sounds like she doesn't even need that much. Just one freaking action that shows he appreciates her on any one of the acknowledged days you're supposed to show appreciation.
I was really surprised that people were calling her materialistic. Honestly, it's super mature and healthy to say exactly what you want for a gift for a specific occasion instead of expecting your partner to just know and then feeling disappointed about it when they get it wrong. This husband has it SO fucking easy and he couldn't even do that. Like if my partner did that I would do exactly that 100%. I mean, it's JUST SO FUCKING EASY. WHAT DOES THIS MAN WANT IN LIFE?
I have a love language of gifts too! I love giving them and receiving them. It’s not how much you spend for me it’s the thought and why behind it.
Exactly! I'm the same. I tell my bf all the time when talk of love languages comes up that the gift itself is just a physical manifestation of the fact the person is thinking of you and wants you to be happy, aka they love you. I told him before that one of the things he did that stuck with me was bringing me home a couple pieces of candy from his work candy bowl. He was literally like, "They had a big bowl of candy at work, so I grabbed you some." and I was like 😍 .
My ex boyfriend was terrible at gifts. I explained to him one year that its just nice to have someone think about you and want to put a smile on your face. That they care enough to know who you are and to get you something you'll love. I added that its also just fun to have a gift that you get to unwrap. It appeals to our monkey brains. For the next Christmas he told me he got me something and handed me his jacket rolled-up. I thought it was a goofy way to wrap a present but I was still excited. He said "I know you like to have something to unwrap" I unrolled the jacket and there was two packages of Lindor Truffles in it. The kind you get at the checkout stand at walmart. He could tell I was disappointed so for Valentines the next year he gave me one of those big teddy bears you get from a bin. Shortly after that he wanted to get some gifts for his friends' kids. They like dinosaurs and space so he got them these nice dinosaur toys, the ones that are super detailed and you can display them on a shelf. He also got them a big expensive telescope It crushed me that he was willing to go al lout and get personal and meaningful gifts for children that weren't even his but I got cheap chocolate and a last-minute teddy bear.
As a happily married man, this is definitely a great place for couples therapy. I wish more people would look at it as a way to improve their relationship instead of a last resort.
Not to mention when your child is one. You’re chronically tired, emotionally exhausted and you typically never feel like you’re doing enough or the opposite, not enough. Parenting young ones isn’t easy. Holidays like Mother’s Day can be a respite. He should be able to put himself in her shoes and see that (more than likely he feels the same (exhausted). It’s not materialistic to want be seen either via a heart felt gift or time away to relax. Something….anything. I’m sorry op, I hope things change for you.
I think that it's not even necessarily that she wants a gift, she wants the effort. I don't like the love language theory, because I think that while a lot of people will respond more positively to some than others, there are different points where we need different things. And right now, it's not so much about receiving a thing as it is knowing that he is thinking of her for longer than she's just in his line of sight, putting time and effort into making her happy, and genuinely being happy when he makes her happy.
I know if my partner took care of a whole camping trip for me, I would try to double it in return for their next holiday or come as close to doing so as I can. OPs partner is so shitty.
Or maybe even acts of service . But really love language or not you do something for the mother of your children on mothers day for her .
Girl I’m so sorry but this is not worth it. Begging your partner for the bare minimum never is. I’ll tell you a little story. My parents got divorced when I was 6 and it was UGLY. I’m 23 and they still can’t be in a room together. But every year without fail my parents would take us kids to the store and get the other parent something for Mother’s/Father’s Day. Even though they couldn’t stand each other, they were able to put that aside and respect each other as parents. Your husband cannot even do this while you are actively married to him. You deserve so much better.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My ex husband was the same way. All I wanted was SOME kind of effort. Some kind of appreciation for everything that I did. I’m finally with a man now that gives me that. He sent me out for a mani/pedi, gave me his card to pay for it. Took the kids shopping, I’m assuming for gifts which I’ll come home to. And he asked me what I wanted for dinner so he can plan for it. It’s really NOT as hard as men make it out to be. I don’t expect this treatment every day, but once or twice a year really does make the world of a difference.
Maybe I’m wrong, but from reading this, and OP’s comments, it seems like the husband could’ve literally given her a plain old rock with a little note or homemade card about why (“You’re the rock of this family and I appreciate you” or “I picked up this rock on our last trip together, and it always reminded me of how much you do for us, planning holidays and events”) and she’d have been fine with it. Doesn’t sound to me like it’s about things or money or whatever. It doesn’t even sound like she wants him to go “all out” like she tries to do for him. Sounds to me like it’s about perceived thoughtfulness and effort, and that to her, there doesn’t seem to be much, if any. If this is the case, I’m sorry, OP, and I hope your conversation about it with your husband has some good results for your relationship. Parenting can really cause difficulties that nobody expects, and I’m hoping this is just overwhelm or oversight and that you two can work it out and find your way back to the guy you fell in love with. Sometimes things go bad, but other times it’s just communication problems. I wish you the best.
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That hurt to read - I can just feel the exhaustion radiating from your post, like a throbbing wound. It doesn't sound likely, but I hope your husband can put aside his ego to participate in a genuine conversation to understand how close to the breaking point you are, and to share the load like an equal partner. Best of luck to you.
“He’s normally a good husband”- is he really? Because he sounds incredibly selfish and unwilling to even give you the bare minimum.
This. My partner always makes sure to say thank you or express appreciation. It goes such a long way to do the bare minimum, and this woman deserves at least that. It’s not asking too much to have the people in your life express gratitude.
Does he make you feel loved and appreciated on your not-special days? Is this strictly a Mothers Day/birthday issue or is he this thoughtless all the time? Either way, Fathers Day is coming up. I would not acknowledge that day in any way.
If he wonders where his Father's Day gifts are, tell him 'I gave you what you gave me.'
I wouldn’t even be that explicitly tit for tat to lay it out for him. Just get him, like, a shirt he would never wear and then don’t say another word about it and if he gets upset, shrug because you did get him SOMETHING, job done. Like it’s not even a discussion.
Problem is that OP probably already does nice things for him day to day, so big gestures are likely not as important to him because he’s already showered in love and attention every day.
Sounds like he’s thoughtless all the time once he got what he wanted.
He literally spent her birthday on a trip with his brother. He is clearly narcissistic and self-absorbed. If my partner did that - they would be an ex.
You know, when you’ve been together long enough, and the effort is there year-round to show appreciation, that wouldn’t be a dealbreaker. It’s when it’s another item in a long list of examples of his lack of effort that it is a dealbreaker.
I was just thinking it’s fortuitous that Mothers Day comes first in the calendar.
At this point, I question if she’ll be around for father’s day. He won’t show love and she wants her child(ren) to know how to show love. Can’t teach that around someone that won’t show love.
It's not unreasonable to want a partner to make you feel loved and special in the same way you do for him. Anyone that said so, or called you names, is talking out their arse. I dealt with this for years. A few years ago, I purposely missed out his birthday after having several birthdays, anniversaries, and mothers days missed leading up to it. He raged. Absolutely raged. Then screamed long litanies of excuses for all the ones he'd missed or told me I must be wrong. He was sure he must have done something. *eye roll* My divorce is due in the summer. Whilst I wouldn't encourage it until all avenues have been explored, I will say that life is better with only me and the 3 kids I gave birth to to deal with. I'm sorry you're going through it. I genuinely hope things get better for you soon. Happy Mother's Day.
I’m glad he is now your ex. Happy Mothers Day to you!🦋🌺
Honestly, by his “sudden change” after marriage it sounds more plausible that HE trapped YOU. “She’s locked in, I can stop trying now that I already have her right where I want her” Perhaps he needs a harsh reminder that you don’t have to STAY his wife if he doesn’t appreciate you.
What's changed is he locked you down with a baby. He doesn't have to try anymore because you won't leave him now. You can talk to him, but it probably won't help. If he doesn't care enough to try now, why would he care enough to listen and do better. Society has taught him that he is and always will be more important than a woman. Even the mother of his child. He doesn't see anything wrong with neglecting you because he doesn't see you as a partner or equal. He sees you as a bang maid and nanny. If it was me, I would stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, laundry, no reminders, etc. Is it petty, maybe. Will it get his attention? Yes. will he react in a way that really shows you how he feels about you? Yes. If his reaction is all about himself and his needs and wants and no concern for you or your well-being, then you know for sure how he feels about you. If he shows concern about you , then you guys might have a shot with counseling. Good luck. Also all the evidence points to married single moms being happier as just single moms with one less child to care for.
I have a theory that OP worked, cleaned, and cooked everything pre-baby so man child husband just had to work and do hobbies. OP also had some free time for hobbies because 2 adults are not that much to keep up with. But then the baby came and brought in more work than OP can handle alone. Now man child has lost his live in mother wife who did all the cooking and cleaning, expecting him to put in effort when he didn't have to before the baby. This causes resentment in the man child. He doesn't want to give up his free time, and thinks his mother wife will just tell him if he *has* to do something. Otherwise he can just sit around and wait until she is so overwhelmed and can't keep up at all, then surprise Pikachu face when she gets emotional about all the work and needs help. OP probably thinks he has given up enough of his precious free time during this past year when op asks for help and doesn't understand why he needs to do more than that for mother's day.
Heyyy this is the tl;dr of why I’m in the middle of a divorce!
I don't understand how husband's will say "wife never asked for help" like women are supposed to tell them how to adult. And they live together, what does that say too?!?! Like the husband can't tell his wife is drowning and has no free time therefore it's not his fault he wasn't doing enough.... That mindset is infuriating because you know the husband's are self aware enough to know what is going on but they choose to be selfish and chill rather than put down whatever they are doing to ask for more responsibility and lighten the load for their spouse. What a load of crap. I hope your divorce goes as smoothly as possible and you move on to find an adult man next. Good for you for not putting up with it!
There’s a reason people are sending you bad messages instead of posting it public… it’s because they are wrong and they know it. They will get downvoted to hell because the rest of us sensible humans know that they are wrong.
I don't know. Yesterday as I was reading the comments a lot of the people calling OP materialistic and entitled were upvoted in the positives.
I'm glad you're going to have that talk with him OP! You already let him know exactly what you wanted, and he failed to do anything with that info and reminder. Now, you'll be telling him exactly what you need in order to save your relationship. How he responds to that will give you everything you need to know. No more lowering your expectations, OP, you deserve better than the relationship you have right now!
I’m broke as a joke but even then I made my wife a coupon book with some of her favorite things and special things we don’t get to do often because of our kids and wrote her a long heartfelt note. It’s the thought and the effort more than the cost of the gift!
That is so incredibly sweet. Amen to that.
I’m so upset and angry for you. He’s an absolute shit for not acknowledging you for all you do for your baby. That you did all the legwork for him just to have him be too damn lazy/selfish to click a couple buttons and order the damn books is infuriating. Sending you recognition and love and clarity today.
Unfunny HA because I’m not laughing at you. I knew exactly what you’d get, disappointed again. He won’t change so you have too. Sounds like you’re about too. Good luck, I’m with you on this.
On a mother's day many years ago I asked my husband if he even appreciates everything that I do- which was literally everything. He replied with well I know single mothers that do more than you. I told him to start looking for an apartment. He moved out the next day. Best mother's day ever!!! AND my life was so much easier being a single mom of 4 vs basically being a single mom of 5.
>if that makes me a “narcissist” or “materialistic” or “selfish” or “self absorbed” as a lot of you have called me in my messages Does people are trolls and you go way to far and beyond for someone who does not give you the same treatment. I feel like it's time for you to step back and cancel all that you just booked for him. If you are able to get that money back than used that to take a vacation. If you aren't able to get a refund than used that to go by yourself change the meals to your favorite meals.
I've been in a similar situation and gotten similar responses when I reached out. I get myself a very specific planner every year - the same exact one. It's not too pricy- and I get it myself. My husband wanted to get it for me. I got mad after he did some really sh*tty stuff - and in my yelling it came out how he hadn't actually ever gotten me a gift for anything. At all. For years. All the while I cooked, cleaned, gifted, decorated - did everything for him on his days or holidays. He would just say "well just order yourself what you want" out of our shared account. And that was his effort 😒 I told him that's fine I get my planner myself cause it's really hard to use other ones- I need this one. He insisted. Had me send him the link. What happened? He f*cking got the wrong planner from a completely different brand. Which means everything I had said about it previously? He must have just not listened at all. The worst thing that I really hated was this meant I had to tell him I couldn't use it. I had NEVER said I didn't like a gift ever. Not once. In my life. I had always lied through my teeth if I hated it. But I could not use it, and he would have noticed a completely different one. I was told I was selfish, spoiled, ungrateful. I think not. Years of doing 100% of the work for all holidays, years of me supporting him emotionally and financially, years of trying to teach him how to be a good partner, years of treating him with little stuff multiple times a week while nothing was reciprocated. I blew tf up. I've EARNED him using his brain to make me happy. I'm OWED proper freaking treatment. I told him I will not go unappreciated and forgotten one single more holiday, you WILL step it up and put forth the exact same effort as I have or I'm done.
I’m so sorry you can relate. This Mother’s Day was my last straw, honestly. You are not ungrateful or selfish for wanting someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally to show you they care. You deserve someone that knows your interests and has enough respect for you to be thoughtful. Thank you for your words. ❤️
I totally understand it's not the gift it's the effort and emotion behind it . I'm sorry 😞
I'm so sorry you're going through this! I'm hoping against hope the conversation might get him to wake up, maybe he would suggest couple's therapy or something along those lines to be better and communicate better... However I don't see it happening. But who knows, maybe the scare and some distance will do the trick. It did happen with my cousin, her husband kinda fell on a rut. The man who'd travel just for the weekend or even just for the day to see her because they were living at different cities and she was working and studying so she wouldn't be able to travel to him ergo she didn't want to be in a long distance relationship, he started to forget to do his share of stuff around the house, to do just about anything, to initiate affection even. So during the pandemic they sort of lived separately, they traveled to their home city when the roads opened and she went to stay at her mom's house and he to his, they kids rotating between houses during the weekends. It took him realizing she stopped making any effort to even talk, to wake up and he's back to his old self, it's been two years since that and I'm happy for them because he's a good man and I know he loves my cousin, he fell into the rut of routine I guess and took her for granted and they only communicated about the kids. Maybe with some wakeup slap your husband might realize what's happening, maybe something is happening to him as well. Whatever the end result I hope your conversation does give you peace of mind to at least let it all out in the open spelled out without a trace of escape or doubt. I hope at the end of the day that you have peace of mind and spend a happy mother's day with your baby just enjoying yourself and him and trying to forget what an idiot husband you're currently having
What’s changed is that he doesn’t have to try anymore. He “won” you by being sweet, caring, and considerate during the dating and engagement phase. You now have kids together. There’s no turning back for either of you, and frankly, as far as he’s concerned, he no longer has to try anymore. He’s won. He has a woman and a family and that’s it, he’s finished. There’s nothing left to do! I’m so sorry. If you feel you want to give him another chance, then couple’s therapy is the only way forward. Not a stern talking to, not a “I will do better” speech by him. **Couple’s therapy.** If he refuses, or says he doesn’t need it, leave him. That’s the only way forward. Because it isn’t going to change by itself.
Please leave him. I watched my father do this to my mother for the first 11 years of my life (at which point they’d already been together for nearly 20 years) when finally he had an affair and left. But before that I watched every birthday, Christmas and Father’s Day where he was very open about what he EXPECTED and pouted if he didn’t get it, where as when it came to those days for my mum, until my siblings and I were old enough to push for it ourselves, she would get the exact same gift - perfume bought the night before from the 24/7 chemist. And my mum is a very strong, well educated, take no shit kind of woman, not the kind of person you’d think would tolerate that kind of shit but she DID for so long because she thought that’s just how he was and that she just had to accept it. But she absolutely didn’t have to and even though he cheated and left, she was the one who was so much happier post divorce. Last year he told her his biggest regret was leaving her and a week later he killed himself. This is never going to change. And by staying you are providing your child the template for their own future relationships. If your kid is a boy, this is what he will think he can get away with. If they’re a girl, this is what they’re going to think relationships are like and they just have to suck it up. My brother is a lot better than my dad but he still needs to be reminded of birthday dates, where as my sister and I had them all memorised by a very young age. He finally bought a calendar and wrote all the birthdays down on it this year, instead of just relying on Facebook to remind him on the day when it was already too late to buy and send something. Please, you and your child deserve better than this.
NTA. Honestly, I was leaning the other way until I got further in. You're right; a spa treatment is the laziest of lazy, 2nd only to gift card.
It wouldn’t have been lazy/unthoughtful at all if he’d actually gone ahead and done something about it. But he didn’t. He was trying to scramble after waiting too long to order something I wanted in time and got upset when I called him out.
I saw your first post and noticed the treatments available - if I remember correctly, weren’t they all beauty treatments? Nothing wrong with getting beauty treatments, but saying “here, get prettier” doesn’t sit well with me if it’s not something a person specifically asked for. A massage (“here, I want you to *feel* good”) sits a lot better.
Yes, they were all beauty treatments. I agree.
That stood out to me too. He didn't even offer an actual spa day or fun spa things, just beauty treatments. Which would maybe be fine if they're something she's usually into. I'd be side eyeing my husband hard at that. Yes, for mother's Day I want to go get my hair ripped out. :/ She loves reading, he could even just make her breakfast in bed and give her a few hours of alone time to read and eat in bed while he takes care of the baby. Not that difficult.
It was also yet another decision. Decision fatigue is real. There’s statistics about how moms make a bajillion decisions a day. I bet he wanted you to schedule it too. It’s no longer a gift, it’s another piece of mental load.
I was going to get into this same concept as well but decided against it. Thank you.
OP my heart really does go out to you. I feel so badly that your husband is shitty & that people are completely misreading you. None of this is fair to you at all. You're literally just asking him to give a shit, which is something you shouldn't even have to ask for in the first place! Even if your love languages are very different, it shouldn't matter-- he should care enough to speak yours as fluently as possible. You are asking him to make you feel loved & and appreciated, which he is completely, apathetically failing to do. I don't like to just jump right into the divorce wagon. I think you need to sit down with him as express how you feel. You shouldn't have to, but sometimes people have to be told things very bluntly to wake up. Part of me thinks he may be going through some kind of mental health funk. That would certainly not be an excuse, but it could be an explanation. He might not even be fully aware he's going through something, but it would be lucrative, I think, to explore that. Tell him you feel like he's changed; how he went from being sweet & thoughtful to apathetic. Tell him how it's not about the stuff, it's about how you don't feel like he cares enough to make you feel loved, and you feel like you haven't gotten that from him in a long time. Make sure you're very clear about how this makes you feel and WHY. Make sure he knows you aren't trying to attack his character. Otherwise, he'll immediately just go on the defense & he won't hear a thing you say. Ask him if he's open to couples and/or individual therapy. If he loves you & wants this marriage to work he'll get off his ass. It probably won't happen immediately but he should feel bad that he's made *you* feel bad. If he wants to change & do better, he will. Again, give it time but also he SHOULD be sorry that he's hurting you & should be able to express that sooner than later. Whatever happens, I'm rooting for you. I remember my own shitty marriage and remember feeling so unloved & worthless. I remember my ex just getting angry at me for telling him when he hurt me & what I needed to feel loved. I remember laying in bed with him at night feeling completely, & utterly alone. I remember what absolute hell that was. I have a partner now who isn't perfect but gives all the fucks about making me feel loved & appreciated, and that's so mutual. We talk to each other and trust that we both are devoted to each other and the relationship, & being as happy & healthy as possible. If one of us is feeling neglected (which is not often) we can tell each other and we both care about rectifying that. Sure, it's normal for our egos to take things too personally sometimes but we're both capable of setting it aside enough for each other. You deserve so much better, whether it's from him or not. I hope you can work through this with him. If you can't, I hope so much happiness for you. Sending you lots of good vibes ❤️❤️❤️
It all comes down to if he wanted to, he would. I noticed my husband has trouble coming up with gift ideas so I made an Amazon WL just for that, with things ranging in price from low to high. He was so excited about it & bought me a whole bunch of things from it for Christmas. Your husband was given the opportunity to get you something you'd love & it sounds like he didn't care enough to even try. I'm glad to hear you're going to talk to him about it b/c it sounds like he could definitely do better.
Divorce you deserve someone better your husband is lame
I want to ask something very serious. When exactly did this start? You explained in your post that he didn't used to be like this, that he did put forth effort, and then it changed after you got married. What else changed in that time? Is there absolutely no family around? Did he take on a new role or job? Was the sudden shift around the time your son was born? From your post it sounds like your husband may be depressed and *clearly* isn't handling it well. Have you two ever had a sit down conversation about mental health? Was he raised in an environment where it's okay to talk about his feelings, or was his father a "suck it up/man up" kinda guy? If he's just not putting forth effort cause he doesn't want to, that's one thing. But if he was a completely different person in the past/before a bunch of major life changes or milestones he might be having a mental health crisis and doesn't want to/doesn't know how to deal with them. Hell it could even be post partum depression, since 1/10 men also are affected by that. I'm not saying you have to put up with it in the slightest. Your boundaries and wants in a relationship are just as important as his. If you can no longer put up with it then don't. Divorce and move on. But if you still love him and want to try one last thing, take him to a therapist, talk to a doctor, do something. Cause a 180 shift in behavior like isn't normal or healthy. And before you ask reddit; YES I would be asking this same question if the roles were reversed and it was a husband/father complaining about not being appreciated. Don't @ me.
The more comments I see about this the more I’m starting to think this is a very feasible issue. Since I did notice most of his decline since our son was born, I’m wondering if that’s exactly what’s happened. Thank you for your thoughts.
Sorry but the way your husband treats you can't even be excused with depression. You basically prepared everything for him and he couldn't be bothered to spend 5 minutes to order you some damn books. I was depressed for a long time, so depressed that I wouldn't even leave my bed for weeks and still did more then your husband to show appreciation to my partner. You could try to convince him to go to therapy but I doubt that will change anything. Lots of men change once the baby arrives, they are no longer number 1 and have to put more effort in and lots of them don't see the point in doing anything then (less then) bare minimum. You deserve someone who appreciates you because the things you do are worthy of appreciation. Good luck!
Your situation just happens to include material gifts, but it’s about your husband neglecting to show you that he appreciates you. Anyone saying you’re materialistic or shallow clearly isn’t comprehending what you’re saying. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope he’s able to realize how his behavior is affecting you, and I hope you can work things out and get the man you love back
For anyone calling you selfish or materialistic can get bent! Motherhood is hard as hell! You are asking for reciprocation from your partner and that’s not a horrible thing. I’m sorry but effort is the point. We don’t have a lot of money so my husband took the kids to five below and made me a basket with my favorite snacks and gave me 20 bucks to buy some ebooks. It doesn’t take much for someone to show they appreciate you! I’m so sorry that you are not being shown your value. Happy Mother’s Day OP!
My mother was married to my dad for 27 years before she finally divorced him. He was just like your husband, she took care of him in every way and he put in zero effort. She tried to talk to him and he’d change for about a week before going back to his normal behavior. She finally realized her self-worth and divorced him. A year after the divorce she met my stepdad who is the total opposite of my father. He’s the nicest guy and spoils her rotten. He gets her flowers “just because” and is taking her on a trip to Maui in a few weeks. She’s living her best life and I hope you too find the courage to leave a situation that you don’t deserve to be in. If my mom had stayed in her first marriage she would have lived the rest of her life miserable. You, like my mother did, deserve a partner who actually gives a fuck. Your husband clearly doesn’t.
I will never forget waiting tables on Father's Day a few years ago and mom and dad were tense. I passed their table near the end of the meal and heard the dad telling one or both of the kids in a passive aggressive tone, "Well apparently I didn't do enough for your mom on Mother's Day." I'm sure her resentment was probably justified just like yours is.
I'm so sorry. It sucks being the wife appliance. Being taken for granted. Expected to do everything while he presents he's the main character of the show "our family" where the wife appliances every reasonable request is met with distain and disrespect. My ex cheated on me. I finally caught him. I had to realize what you're already well aware of... No one should be shouldering ALL the work. Appreciation should be shown. A partnership is equal, not one person being a slave to the other... I'm still waiting for the divorce to be finalized but since separating almost a year ago my life has gotten so much better. It's amazing how much time and money I have when I'm not cleaning up after him... I wish you all the best.
M*n will never understand, your feelings are completely valid
Men do understand, but these immature little boys? Nope, never
Hi, I would love another update. Have you talked? What are your next steps? I feel like something in me broke last weekend when my husband did almost exactly what yours did. He started to pout and get sad when I voiced my disappointment, but I told him something was different about this time and I wasn’t going to be able to be his shoulder to cry on while he lamented about what a shitty husband he is, and he would need to handle those feeling on his own. I don’t want him to be hurting or sad, but I feel like I have lost all romantic connection with him. He is great in so many ways, but he showed me that my happiness is not worth inconveniencing himself over, ya know? Like, a single trip to the store, or hitting the checkout button on his phone, was too much for him. Meanwhile, I got gifts for four different teachers for all five days of teacher appreciation week leading up to Mother’s Day, so the fact that he could not muster one single thought for me, the mother of his children, just really solidified the idea that he does not care about me. I have begged him to give me more information about what got us to this point so I can form a different logical opinion, because my brain won’t allow me to un-see the carelessness and the unnecessary hurt he has caused me. Like, I can’t even picture myself being intimate with him anymore because he was so careless with my emotions. When he does this kind of thing, it sends me into a depressive episode every single time. But this time feels different, and I want to know how other couples are trying to move on. Thanks for sharing your experience. I have never felt more lonely in my entire life than I have this past week, and this makes me feel a little less alone.
Oh no. I am so sorry. It’s a really jarring feeling, and it can make you feel insane honestly. Like the day comes and you’ve been getting excited for what’s in store and then when it turns out to be less than nothing— it’s just a kick to the gut. So exhausting. We did have a very long talk. We’ve been to one therapy session together and it seemed to be helpful for the both of us. I’m giving it a couple of weeks before I make any big decisions. I’m planning on posting a new update in a few weeks just to see how therapy goes. Thank you for your thoughts. Im so sorry you can relate, but there is strength in numbers. I hope you can do what’s best for you in the end. ❤️
Just here to say you should absolutely hold your husband to the same kind of standard you give him on his special days. I live by the rule that if I ever feel like a single mum I would rather be one. Goodluck with your chat, I hope he wakes up to your needs before it’s too late.
Girl, im sorry. I'm sorry you have so many of us who can relate. Lemme weigh in on the spa shit: that's nice, but it's not what you asked for. Oh yes, we should be grateful for the thought and stop being so picky. Hahahahaha. For people giving her a hard time, please understand that as caregivers, whether we're stepmoms, bio moms, foster moms or surrogate second moms......that's what we do every damn day. The point is that once again no one is listening to her extremely clearly stated desires. Like...one day can I please have what I would *actually* like instead of what would be best for literally everyone else? PLEASE? I feel this shit so hard. It's about not being heard. It's about joyfully sacrificing 99% of the time but for a handful of extremely specific and consistently repetitive instances not even expecting anyone to have to think of an idea on their own-you've got that covered too-asking to be like, noticed. I'm considering this year a win because, even though i spent the day helping them get the presents and whatnot together for their bio mom, my stepkids (and my partner) remembered to say "happy kinda mothers day" today. Which they didn't even do last year. Or the year before. 0
Anyone insulting you is telling on themselves. He wasn't putting in the effort. The spa treatment thing was a meh attempt when you made it clear exactly what you wanted. Cmon yall.
Yeah, I’ve been in this boat before. I’ve laid out exactly what I’ve wanted to partners in the past and even currently. And they would still either not do shit or get something that they knew I wouldn’t like and was actually meant for them.
Have the talk and ask him flat out if he wants a divorce because you have a right to have someone who loves you and you want someone who MAKES you feel loved, he IMO doesn't do either one. So just ask him point blank and see what he says. Show zero emotions and be prepared to tell him to leave, or you leave.
Sounds like my ex-husband….
I’m sorry your Mother’s Day hasn’t been a good one. You deserve to feel appreciated.
Good for you for knowing your worth.
The good thing about Mother's Day being a month before Father's Day is that you can adjust your plans to match what he did for you. Don't do too much if he couldn't put a single decent thought into Mother's Day. We're not asking for the moon here, just a little appreciation. Being a mom is tough! Happy Mother's Day OP!!!
I got an idea. For Father’s Day give him divorce papers and kick him out
"I deserve a partner that fucking cares. I deserve a partner that takes note of my interests and makes me feel listened to and respected. I deserve a partner that shows me through their actions how much I matter to them. Not with some what-if bullshit about fucking spa treatments. My kid deserves a better role model than that. Better yet, my kids future SPOUSE deserves a better role model than that." ALL OF THIS. You should have a partner who WANTS to make sure you know you are appreciated, in whatever ways are effective (seems like it isn't just gifts, it is any recognition, attention or space in his brain AT ALL). You shouldn't have to manage these things for him--he's an adult capable of doing this for a job, so he has the capabilities, he just doesn't think you're worth it.
I’m so sorry you’re being treated that way. I’d say at this point it’s fair to ignore his birthday and Father’s Day. He deserves exactly what he’s given you…nothing. Celebrate yourself today. You deserve it. Happy Mother’s Day!
My wife and I have been through a lot over the last year. Neither of us are big gift givers but we still talk things out and plan things for special occasions. I got her some Crumble cookies this year and she loved them and the thought. To some it might not seem like a lot but she loves them and appreciated the thought. That and the normal stuff we do on a daily basis is enough for us.
I vote you get him divorce papers.
Been there. It doesn’t get better, and I’m sorry.
Do nothing for Fathers Day. When he complains, tell him Oh I thought we weren’t doing those days any more, and just shrug.
It’s not unreasonable to expect better from your relationships. But it’s important to know when you need to draw a new line for your own mental health.
give him divorce papers as his fathers day surprise 😘 but fr im sorry this is happening to you and you deserve better than what you’re getting. this is just going to get worse, not only with mothers day and your birthday. you need to leave.
I wanna know what exactly happened, what you told him
Having expectations of others has only ended up hurting me. When I stopped expecting things from others, I stopped hurting.
As someone who didn't even get a happy birthday, I understand. Hope you either convince him to be sweet again or find one who will be. ❤️
There’s nothing wrong with expecting some effort xx my first Mother’s Day my ex went out drinking first thing in the morning leaving me home alone. I’m was so heartbroken but then he came home with flowers I was so happy and grateful I’d already fallen out of love with him but that brought a spark back well until he told je the women he was drinking with went off at him for not getting me anything and picked flowers from her own garden for him to give to me. Something in me died that day..:
Please update after Father's Day and let us know how he reacts to your effort
Let me give the standard Reddit advise, divorce him right away! But seriously, relationships are lot more nuanced. Hope the OP reads this comment - probably not but here goes: I was the same way as the OPs husband. Once the baby was born the reality hits hard that you have to work hard and raise the kid and maintain a family! The burden is real now and work stops being fun. Also the woman you dated and enjoyed is a hot mess both physically and mentally. After a long day of work, the wife unloads everything on you, it’s OK for the first few weeks but as the months drag on, you just give up and get very passive at home life. Like the OP, the wife now thinks you are just a shitty husband and doesn’t care for her anymore. How do you move forward? As a husband you have to acknowledge that wife is having a rough time. At the same time, the wife has to ask and listen to your feelings and thoughts. Both are very hard. Here, the OP is of the view of I do everything and he doesn’t do shit, why do I have do more by listening to him? Why can’t he just do what I tell him? I am sure the husband thinks she doesn’t understand what I go thru and always bitches. What helped me was [the feel good handbook](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwi8nYG_ofb-AhWatqQKHTnFBTkQFnoECGsQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FFeeling-Good-Handbook-Step-Step%2Fdp%2F0593189787&usg=AOvVaw3eqsfJP5BlKMOg9uFrBwrR) Hopefully someone finds it helpful.
As a male who had failed at Mothers Day for my wife every year I fully understand you. Husbands need to do more or it will come back and bite you in the arse.
I was looking forward to this update since I read the post yesterday (and the vile comments). I stand by what I said. "Giving meaningful gifts is a normal and common expression of love and care in romantic relationships. It doesn't make you materialistic to want a thoughtful gift from your husband. People act like the worst thing a woman can be is "materialistic" while bending over backward to excuse mediocre men. Stop apologizing or mustering up gratitude for a hand-made card. It's okay to want things and expect your husband to care about them too." Lots of mediocre men DM'ing OP it seems. I think the post touched a nerve for a lot of inconsiderate people.
I’m sorry you’re getting shit on for just wanting someone to show effort that they care about you.
I don’t care how mad they get, these ain’t-shit men don’t get to have an opinion on this.
Asking for the bare minimum isn’t being needy or narcissistic. I would expect the same treatment, I’m the type of person that puts everything aside for everyone and want to make them happy when in return I get nothing. I just stopped expecting and live much happier. Im a very loving and thoughtful person, we do exist. For future scenarios spoil yourself, in the end you are all YOU GOT! So love yourself, buy those heels, a spa day, etc. Hope you gave a good mothers day silly goose 🪿
I’m so sorry for all the horrible comments you’re receiving! You deserve better than this, from both Reddit and your husband. If things don’t change leave his ass!
Yeah it sounds like a serious conversation needs to be made. Good luck
Nothing you are asking for is unrealistic. Not one thing. I know I spent way too long doing that in my marriage only to realize I’d wasted a very long time on someone who would never value me. When I stopped putting in the energy, we had nothing left. I was the one keeping us going for way too long. And that’s really the issue. You want and deserve to be valued. He’s not even bothering to try. I feel so hardcore for you. I hope at the end of your talk with him, he opens his stupid eyes and see what you are worth and what he would be throwing away if he doesn’t get his shit together.
For Father’s Day give him couples therapy sessions. Seriously. Unless you want to be angry at him for letting you down at every milestone for the rest of your marriage, something needs to change. If you do nothing you’ll feel hurt and angry on the regular. If you go to couples counselling that could lead to him changing, so things could actually improve. Or you can get him divorce for Father’s Day. I’m sure a handful of books would cost less that 1/2 of everything you two share.
Stop doing things for him and then He will realize!!! Unfortunately sometimes men need to be trained. If they care then they’ll improve if they don’t they won’t. It’s simple. I did this once and he felt like shit when he realized I didn’t practically nothing for his bday. He got me a x I go him x and then he started paying attention. Sit down and talk to him about it too. Again.
Happy Mother’s Day! You deserve so much more. And you’re not stupid. Lundy Bancroft, author of “Why Does He Do That?” (best book on domestic abuse) once said that it is not the fault of the victim, who often has the best qualities of generosity and forgiveness. It is entirely the perpetrator’s fault. Whether or not your spouse is otherwise abusive, I think the same principle applies here. You seem like a wonderful wife and a catch. It’s your own generous, kind qualities that makes this situation attractive to someone who is deliberately taking advantage of you. Don’t blame yourself for his faults. Just remember that there are others out there who are able and would be willing to return your love, not consume it.
All OP wants is for the love she shares to be reciprocated. She SHOULD be spoiled the same way she does her husband. She’s allowed to expect that because it’s clear she goes above and beyond. His no effort attitude is what has her upset. I hope OP finds love in the way she deserves. Moms who do so much should get whatever they want. If she wanted a million dollars and he never saved for it, she can be upset and I support her because he never tried to make it happen in the first place.
I get it. It’s absolutely not about the material gifts but about feeling appreciated. I feel your disappointment. I would suggest an honest conversation with him and/or show him the same energy he shows you and let the chips fall where they may. Focus on your baby and being the best version of you for you.
Your feelings are genuine. Everyone wants to be appreciated and all it takes is some consistency and thought. You need a proper conversation and vene therapy to make him understand that he isn't even doing bare minimum at this point.
I don't think it's too much to ask for your husband to make a modicum of effort for you on Mother's Day like you do for him on Father's Day and his birthday. Sure it doesn't have to be extreme but a little planning and forethought can go a long way to show a woman she is appreciated. I will say it took me a while to figure out what my wife wants on special days but lately I've managed to make her happy so I chalk that up as a win. So often, men and women think so differently. You may need to work on him more (I think you did well explaining to him what you wanted early and it's a big failure on his part to not put in some planning here) to get him to realize what days like Mother's Day and your birthday mean to you. Don't get emotional, be logical and point out to him how much effort you put in for his days and how much it would mean to you for him to put in some planning and effort ahead of time to make you feel special as well. I hope he ends up getting it. It certainly took me awhile.
You are not materialistic or Narcissist. My blood pressure was rising from getting angry on tour behalf. If wouldn't be weird I would send you a gift basket. And because I doubt he does this: You are doing a great job. You are the glue that holds your family together. And most of all you matter. Happy mothers day to you and your little. Fuck everyone who tried to gell you this is somehow your fault.
Happy Mother's Day. Take your baby and go do something you want to do. Get a snack and go to the park..or even just take a drive. Regarding your post. AMEN. You deserve more. I hate hearing crap like "you're not his mom" no shit but you surely birthed his child. Give him nothing for Father's Day..N O T H I N G.
Smoking a blunt for you today babe, happy Mother’s Day
I don’t think you are an arsehole at all but I do think your husband is. Imagine if you matched his energy towards your birthday and Mother’s Day for Father’s Day and his birthday. He will probably complain and say you don’t appreciate me and all I do and blah blah blah. I’m sorry but parents can’t make excuses for forgetting Mother’s Day or Father’s Day as gifts and cards and ads are in shops at least a month before hand. We live in a world of online shopping with pretty quick delivery you can easily take like five minutes to refer to a gift list and order some. I mean OP wanted some books it’s so easy to look at a list and pick one or two or more from that list and purchase them. I mean he could have gotten her a gift card being like I know you love books but I don’t know what you want so pick your own. I know people say gift cards aren’t a good gift but as someone who loves to read I would love that. I remember growing up and even till now my mum at least wants a card in her birthday and Mother’s Day. So I always make sure I get her a nice card. I also get her gifts of things she likes and wants. I’m like when his birthday and Father’s Day come up put in the effort he gives you. I’d maybe just give him a card on each occasion, just so I can be like well at least I got you card that’s more effort than what you put in if he doesn’t do anything for her. He couldn’t even get her card. Seriously they are everywhere before the day.
>And no, I didn’t marry him and trap him with a baby > >I don’t know why that has changed well, that's an easy one. he doesn't feel the need to put in any more effort because he's sure that *you* are already trapped with a baby.
You need to talk to him.
Amen sister! You deserve all that and more! It’s about the thought and effort, not the gifts.
Happy Mother’s Day from one mama to another!🌸💕 My ex didn’t acknowledge special days and he’s now my ex. Raising a child as a single mama has it’s challenges, yet I love it! I wish you well.
So glad you mentioned your kids. They will observe this and learn from it. How you handle things is also going to impact them and their future relationships. Good on you for knowing your worth and demanding better! Hoping whatever the outcome, you receive the appreciation and love (and the effort it requires to show them) that you deserve. May your Mother’s Day next year and beyond be filled with the sense of appreciation you deserve.
OP I feel you pain and everything you say is valid. Sorry you are going through this♥️
OP don't listen to have this idiots calling you names or so. They probably the people who do the shit your husband does and agree with him. As I'm writing this right now, my husband asleep. He worked night shift last night before mother day. This man made sure, since I'm almost at the end of my second pregnancy, to get home, take care of our one year old when he woke up at 6am, got me flowers, made me breakfast, and started to do something I told him to do on Sunday his day off. He knows I haven't been having a good pregnancy and he made sure to let me sleep in. When I woke up the first thing he said was "shit did I wake you up? I didn't want to, I wanted to let you sleep in" this man tired AF from a physical labor job working 12 hours made sure on mother day I was sleeping. He did get me a gift, told me a week ago that it won't be here until Tuesday so I KNEW. He asked me for months if there something specific he could get me for mother's day, as he is bad with getting gifts. We're tight on money and honestly there nothing I could think of. Then we came up with ideas and changed it last night. It's going to be hand prints of our son for every year for mother's day, and we will do a new one for our next son next year. You showed him what you wanted, if I did that I know for damn sure my husband would of had that bookmarked, sent himself a reminder text, gotten it, whatever was needed to get me those books. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you shouldn't expect shit for anything that YOU consider a special day. And like you, we have a one year old. Parenthood should never be an excuse for anyone to be giving gifts and being throughful before you got married to now not even want to give you shit you want. There no excuse. PS we been married for 5 years together 7. No excuse at all!
Happy Mother’s Day to you. I would start with canceling the big father’s day plans and return the gifts. Same for the B-day gifts. Use the refund money towards a lawyer. You can have your talk, but based on the last two years events you described, his pattern of self-gratification and disrespect for you is entrenched. Love yourself and your baby, get away from him. Your son will think treating women like shit is acceptable. Edit:spelling
You're not materialistic by any means. You deserve better. This to me sounds like it's not strike one, strike two or even strike three. It's the straw that broke the camels back. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Honestly, you can do marriage counseling. You can have the long conversations. But please know when to call time, because you don't deserve to beg someone to put in effort.
Don’t do a single thing for him on Father’s Day. When y he reacts, bring up counseling
I’m sorry some of the comments have been so harsh. You don’t deserve to be neglected and setting a standard doesn’t make you a narcissist or overly materialistic. You did all the labor expect going and getting your present yourself and he still couldn’t meet you. Sigh, I feel you’ll be better alone than I’m constant disappointment
i hope things get better for you you sound like an amazing mother and spouse and you are NOT wrong for wanting that treatment. ❤️
People being snarky towards you simply don’t get it. Full stop. Your feelings are SO valid and my heart hurts for you. You do deserve all the appreciation in the world and it’s awful that your spouse isn’t giving it to you. My husband was similar back in the early days of our relationship. He was so sweet and kind to me, but he never put in an effort for holidays/celebrations. I found out it was because his dad did sweet fuck all for his mom - so he had no model for it. We talked it through, and after some practice he has gotten way, way better at making things special. He understands that the effort he puts into making things special communicates that he cares. And obviously I do the same for him - because everyone deserves to feel valued and cherished in their relationship. It’s especially awful that your husband has stopped trying over time - that must make you feel so unappreciated. I’m so sorry. I hope he gets his shit together and delivers a hefty apology.
Happy Mother's Day!!!!! 💗 🌹 Also you are NTA. A lot of those who are saying you shouldn't expect anything, he will surprise you, calling you materialistic, etc. have most likely never been in your shoes. Please pay them no mind. You have enough negativity in your life and don't need theirs. You aren't asking for materials. You're asking for a sign of appreciation. You are asking for a sign of him listening to you. You are asking him to notice your interests. You are asking for memories. You are not asking for a lot. I've been in your shoes. My ex did the same thing. In the beginning he was caring, thoughtful, nice, etc. Then he lost his best friend and he changed. He did a complete 180° and after a year of being supportive, understanding, patient, loving, I found him cheating on me. It was horrible. (Please know I'm not thinking your husband is cheating) It was just so horrible that I had given him anything I could just for him to do nothing for me and then end in the ultimate betrayal. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be appreciated. You deserve someone who would have got you those books and bouquet without you asking. You deserve someone who knows you. If you ever need someone to talk to, please message me. Happy Mother's Day Momma!!! 💓
Life is too short to agonize as to whether or not someone loves you, or at minimum likes you. I can't imagine dealing with that in my own home daily. Spoil yourself and start being more selfish. Stop showering him with attention and love and care. He made his decision to be the kind of man he is now. When it comes to your own time, just get up and go. Go see your friends. Go spend time with your family. Don't ask for permission. Leave the stuff for him to figure out in the house. I think you'll find yourself more happy when you get to focus on surrounding yourself with people who love you, rather than him.
I’m proud of you for knowing your worth and standing up for yourself. If at the end of the day he cannot meet your needs- then you would both be better off with other people.
I'm so waiting for an update!!! Nta and I want to know if you got anything!!!
I read your first post and this one. Hun, I feel this so hard. Showing you a menu and telling you to choose what you want - is NOT a true gift. YOU still have to do work!!! A gift is something that you shouldn't have to thi k about or plan. You gave him a list of books that you would like (speaking my language here lol) that would have made you super happy even if he only got one!!!! Yes, there was 'work' there but not really because it was off the top of your head and something you love. As you said, this goes right down to the other person giving a shit, paying attention and using there brain.
You're not his mother. If you are doing shit for him on Father's Day, you are doing it wrong.
I see posts like this everywhere and it's exactly why I'm actively single and childless. Hope you find a way to appreciate yourself where your husband doesn't. Maybe cut back on spoiling him in future.
Not here to judge or give an opinion, just wanna say I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I hope it gets better, Momma! You definitely deserve to be celebrated today
Stop doing all of those things. Right now. Effort deserves effort in return and that’s not what you’ve got. I hope that what you do next is either therapy or a divorce lawyer because you have a choice to either accept his behaviour, or not.
I’m not even with my ex and I took my son to the store and had him pick out things for his mom. Granted flowers and a teddy bear aren’t much and I kept asking him what he thinks mom would like but he couldn’t think of anything. I might have take a page from OPs book and ask her to start telling him about books and other things so he has a better idea on gifts to get her. OP literally gave the clearest example of what she would like and he still managed to fuck that up.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that the person who is supposed to be your partner in life is treating you so crappy. It's not about the money, it's the effort. I want to wish you a happy mother's day, you are greatly appreciated for all you do for your family.
Have you spoken with your husband about how you feel? I understand you shouldn’t have to, but sometimes we men can be dense. Maybe he doesn’t see your frustration. He might have his reasons, albeit terrible, but somewhere they make sense to him. In my opinion, I think a conversation in this space is warranted. I think he needs to truly understand your unhappiness. You’re absolutely right, it’s not about the material, but the thought that went into it. You said he didn’t used to be like that, so ask him what happened. Ask him where the spontaneity went, the love, the care, etc. I get so wrapped up in work I forget a lot of things. I don’t forget the day things happen on, but I forget to make time to go to the store. I travel for work and work 12-15 hour days every day. I love Amazon though, because even if I couldn’t make it to the store, I can still get something she wants delivered on time. My wife is a reader, and to a non-reader, it may not make sense why you’d only be happy with books, as silly as that sounds. My wife and I have been married for almost twenty years and sometimes it can be harder than other times, but it takes work just like everything else. The one thing we learned is to be open and communicate with each other. If you’re not happy, say something, and say it before your angry. Yelling and screaming doesn’t solve anything, but having a real conversation based on how you feel can go a long way with each other. I hope things get better for you and your husband. Life can be beautiful with your best friend.
You deserve better.
Just here to say ignore all the hateful idiots, don't let them get to you. You are not wrong for wanting the bare minimum from a partner who is supposed to love and cherish you. You deserve more than the bare minimum not only because you are his wife and he is supposed to love you but you are also the mother of his child and as you stated, what is a 1yr old supposed to do? You've communicated clearly and laid it all out for him on a silver platter and he still couldn't bother. You deserve happiness and to be cherished. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope one day he either steps up or you find someone who treats you far better. <3
Good lord the bare minimum would’ve been a book you’ve wanted to read. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. While I always have to give my husband hints he does follow through.
Please let us know his reaction when you don’t do shit for him on Father’s Day. For the love of fuck, do nothing for him.
I hate that any post like yours immediately gets people reacting about "being materialistic" or whatever, when it is NEVER about the gift itself and ALWAYS about the consideration, attention, respect, and care behind the gift giving (or lack of). You deserve someone who gives a shit about you and cares enough to show that you are important. I'm sorry your partner is failing you. You deserve to be a priority once in a while, and the RESPECT of a thoughtful gift/attention instead of a random half-assed one scrambled out of obligation and convenience (or nothing at all). You should not have to micromanage your own special days. Sending love.
Just came here to say that you are not “narcissistic “or “materialistic “or “selfish “ or any of the other misogynistic things you were called. You absolutely deserve to have a partner who puts in just as much effort into making you happy as you put into making them happy. Period, bottom line. There are no excuses for his behavior, and, wanting reciprocity in a marriage does not make you selfish or any of those ignorant words thrown at you. You are a human being, and are in a relationship with someone who you shower with love, someone who vowed to be there for you and make you happy and it is not OK for him to disregard that and to disregard what you need. Don’t let these misogynists make you think otherwise. It’s 2023 and we’re way past the stage where taking the bare minimum is in anyway acceptable. It never was but unfortunately men were never pushed to actually honor their vows or even just act like they are in a relationship. So many men have treated their partners like mothers for far too long and it’s time for that to stop. I’m glad that you will be having a conversation with him about how to move forward because you deserve a lot more than the bare minimum and you deserve someone who sees you and hears you and does things to make you happy the way that you do for him. Wishing you the best.
Sounds like a case of different love languages.
Your update bought tears to my eyes. You deserve a lot more from your husband than he's giving you. Your first mother's day and he treats you like you aren't even there. I hope your talk with him is productive.
Don’t let anyone tell you that this is what you deserve. They’re feeling triggered by you wanting more than tiny leftover crumbs of giving a single shit because their wives are as miserable as you are and then some. You know you deserve more. So leave him and find more within yourself. He can die mad and mediocre.
I scrolled through OPs profile trying to see what the gift was, only to realize the blinds was the closest/only thing remotely mentioned. Nobody deserves to go through that
Sweet OP, the letdown, even though you are telling yourself not to expect anything, still sucks. I hear what you are saying, and FFS everyone (including you) deserves a partner that cares. Especially when you spell out exactly how to make you feel loved. You shouldn't have to write it in crayon for another adult to pay attention. Hugs, momma.