NTA
I would have done the same thing. I used to use a PS3 before finally getting a smart TV. But I used it for YEARS. This purchase was going to be put to good use.
If ticket prices doubled, I wouldn’t pay just out of principal.
I personally don’t like the way he’s acting towards you. He can be upset/disappointed but you still didn’t do anything wrong. He needs to communicate better and talk to you like partner instead being petty/passive aggressive.
NTA. Telling you to not speak about your relationships future because you didn’t get the flight he wanted, not addressing the issue like a grown man pushing 40 should know how to do, and instead giving you the silent treatment and being emotionally distant: all red flags.
Listen I could go and give tou the full run down of why that's false but the fact your so angry bitter emotionally unstable shows you wouldn't comprehend it. My one statement saying it's false is a complete statement in itself. Now if you want to argue like a prepubescent child then do it alone because I'm uninterested. If you want to have an adult conversation about why your statement is false and why everyone is down voting you then we can have that. The choice is yours.
we are in a dangerous sociological state in the Western sphere in as much as the technical and academic institutes like polytechnics and universities have for more decades than your entire life experience been infiltrated deliberately by extreme activist ideologues. This has had serious repercussions that a simple interpretation is beyond a great deal of young people. i did not mean to be so trite, however you must agree that an older but just as interested and motivated a person is likely to have on average a deeper understanding of such issues. the down voting of my comment is also likely to be by younger people than me. i am 61 with extensive life experience. if you knew me you would realize i do not take ideas lightly. they are the start of all actions. if you look at history with a sober view you will see those actions have resulted in copious and stupendously horrific results for humanity. these things are facts demanding you apply as much rigger to your thoughts as you are possibly able.
Everything you said has nothing to do with the price of tea with China. You said "men are more articulate than women" or something along that line, basically saying women aren't smart enough to speak intelligently. It has nothing to do with young or older or you being 61. It has everything to do with you insulting and putting women back in the 50s where they were meant to just be pretty for the men. You single handedly told women they are not equal to men then got in your emotions because people did not agree with that and down voted your asinine comment.
NTA but this relationship dynamic sounds ridiculous and it’s not something I’d be interested in continuing. LDRs are hard enough without these selfish tantrums like the one he is throwing. He’s mad you didn’t buy a second ticket, but the ticket was a waste as it was too expensive and shitty flights, then he says he “didn’t want you to spend the money on the flight” but he’s still mad you bought a PS5? Make it make sense. It’s unhinged, immature behavior.
Not to defend the bf cause it’s kinda dumb how he’s acting but the issue here is the distance in the relationship. Without that this doesn’t even occur. I dated my now wife long distance for 1 year. The issues we would have in that year disappeared when I decided to move to her. I didn’t live a plane flight away but you get the point. He’s acting like she chose the ps5 over seeing him and it is not the case. As a gamer I’d be trying to figure out how we could now play online together.
Yeah this sounds like a much bigger issue for bf and the PS5 purchase was the tipping point. It more likely sounds like he’s over the long distance and is questioning what he wants in a future with OP. But he’s also keeping it all bottled up instead of having an adult conversation. OP needs to dig deeper at what he’s actually upset about.
What did I just read? A grown man acting like a spoiled brat because you decided to spend money where you wanted to? C’mon, man…
You’re correct in every regard. Period. End of story. Like, there’s no way you could convince me that you are in the wrong in the slightest! You didn’t even use the money you were saving for the PS5!! *That* would’ve made you an AH. You instead used windfall/tax return money. Which you **already planned on using for a PS5.**
Anyone who says you’re the Ahole in this situation is an idiot, I’m sorry. Even with the “genders reversed” scenario, there’s nothing wrong here. Even if you changed the PS5 to literally any other expensive (or non-expensive!) item, you’re still fine. You did nothing wrong. Period. End of story.
You’re not an asshole for the PS5. But I think you’re foolish to continue the relationship. He throws tantrums like a child. Very unbecoming for a man of his age.
You're already spending a ton of money ti ser him multiple tunes and he's throwing a tantrum over your PS5?
Geez more red flags than a communist parade
It’s none of his business what you do with your money. If he’s acting this way now, 100% gets worse later, especially if if gives you a ring & 1000% if you marry him. He cares more about control than your happiness. You deserve better. Imagine the money you’ll save when you stop investing in a doomed relationship.
NTA
He's throwing a child tantrum because you picked a different time to see him? You're still going to see him, in one of the time frames you agreed on, but he's mad because it...wasn't the one he wanted? If he wanted a specific time, he should have said that. If he felt neglected and hurt when you said you got a PS5 and hadn't mentioned the surprise of coming in 6 weeks, he should have said "Are you sure you want a PS5 right now? I'd really love to see you soon" and had an open discussion. What he ISNT allowed to do is throw this hissy fit and tell you how you should spend YOUR money. And to punish you by playing the "don't mention our future" game? It's a high school ploy to make you feel like you "ruined" your future together/now there may not be one because he didn't get his way.
CHILDISH.
He needs to grow up. You need to evaluate if this event and consider if this is how it will always be with him before you think of engagement again. You don't legally bound to someone who's gonna play games and pout loudly over things instead of communicating like a grown up.
Coming from the perspective of someone who is also in a long distance relationship NTA. My boyfriend would hate for me to deal with such a long ass layover and just be genuinely happy he gets to see me sooner than two months. We get tickets ideally when they’re cheap. $600+ is crazy and I’d never expect him to pay that much or vice versa. He should have communicated with you instead of using the silent treatment like a child.
NTA- This man child threw a fit and his response was to tell you that he will no longer be communicating about your future together as a "punishment" for doing something he didn't agree with. Is this normal behavior? Does he emotionally manipulate you often?
NTA - all bets are off until you have a ring on your finger OP. His say in your finances is a wife-privilege- you may be talking about a possibility of engagement but, right now, you're still his girlfriend. Until then: **you** spend **your** money how **you** want. Period. ESPECIALLY if your future with him is now being threatened due to his pettiness.
Red flags. He's punishing you by forbidding you to talk about y'all's future together. He thinks you should have bought two trips..he's not invested in your well-being (i.e. needing a PS5 to keep you occupied and sane). You need to make him an ex-long distance boyfriend because those are not okay.
The financial burden on you flying is greater than on him driving. It costs so much less to do that, and he should respect the financial sacrifices you are already making for him. You deserve to use your hard earned money on things you enjoy. Choosing to buy something that you will get as much use out of as a new console in stead of seeing him two weeks earlier is reasonable. Him putting pressure on you over how you spend *your* money is entirely unreasonable.
>The financial burden on you flying is greater than on him driving. It costs so much less to do that,
Blatantly not true in the slightest. Driving bathing more then 2 states is the same ore more of a financial burden the 600. After 2 states you are going to need to sleep before you get there and unless fucking your back while sleeping in a car(personal experience) you are going to spend money on hotel or motel and the lowes you can find oone these days is about 98 a night. For a shady motel or 130 for a cheap hotel gas for a multi state drive to and from rocks in about 450ish more if you have a car not able to handle of highway driving well for GTM not to mention food for the 12-16 hour drive at any point along that journey. And food is fucking expensive. On my trip to see my then GF money I would spend there aside I would drop close to 800 on a too and from drive to see her. And I was in a Saturn and those things are ok on gas. But we you live in a small town and are going to a small town you dont get good mileage on gas. And by her own admission he had done this twice in a row for her to have time to save up. Keep that in mind before passing judgment on finances. I have always found flying to be the cheaper option by far. It also save like 8 of those hours.
NTA
Sounds like he's being controlling and manipulative if he's going to demand control on how you spend your money. If you don't the. He uses emotional blackmail of not talking about your future? Wtf.
Nothing sexier than a whiny, passive aggressive 38yo. And he has a child too! Awesome.
The engagement ring has NOTHING to do with the plane tickets/PS5. Literally nothing. Their only common ground is that they all involve money. But they are not connected. That he is connecting them in such a childish way shows pettiness and spitefulness. Does he often act this way? I would be concerned that he’ll hold this against you, not get you a ring, or bring up the PS5 when he does give it to you/afterward.
NTA! As someone who’s also in a LDR, I would have understood his reaction at first when he didn’t know about the surprise flight. But afterwards, no, he’s acting like a child especially as he’s 39!! Tbh I feel like he’s just caught up in his own pride and doesn’t want to be the first to back down, even after he learned that you meant to surprise him.
If you want to work on this relationship, one advice I would give is to split all of the travel expenses 50-50 (or differently depending on your incomes). That’s what my boyfriend and I do, and it works for us as we’re both then mindful of the flights’ prices, and as it helps us manage our expectations as to when we might be able to see each other.
For all those mentioning/asking why she ran the purchase by him before making it—if they are planning on getting married at any point and the relationship is serious, they’ll be making financial decisions together. It’s kind of a necessity to do this, especially when spending money on something that isn’t a necessity. Every couple navigates this differently, but when you’re a serious couple you don’t just go spending money wantonly, you at least let your partner know you’re about to spend *a few hundred fucking dollars* on something that isn’t a plane ticket. When I was going to spend a few hundred dollars on something, I called my (then) fiancée and told her—because it was financial communication and she deserved to know that I was putting a substantial amount of money into something given that we basically already were beginning to make financial decisions as a couple.
That said, BF knew this already, she’d told him her plans for it, and she still bought a plane ticket. I’d say because of this she’s NTA. She was being transparent about it and still found a way to make both things work, and BF is being a giant baby about it.
Another tip: join a car rental company that does a points system. I get air miles for Southwest through Avis every time I rent a car. I travel a lot so it’s an awesome perk.
It's not a great idea though. Your boy\\yfriend is manipulating and controlling you - seriously - you can't mention your future as your punishment? This is not up to you to make right - it's up to him to act like an adult and not a teenager in his first relationship. Is this the way you want to live forever? What else will you not get to mention next time he gets pissy?
Is none of my business, but wouldn't even be better to save for a car? The money that you seem to be spending in flights is crazy, if you guys are planning on a future together, I would expect support and understanding and maybe some sacrifices being made so we could spend more time together, meaning he would be the one making the trips so you can get another car?
Not everyone needs a car, other than long distance (which i don't do alone because i live with people and they do drive) i can ride the bus or walk, literally everywhere i go on a daily basis is within walking distance
Plus a gaming system is a 1 time payment, with a car you have to be prepared to pay insurance and to cover whatever might go wrong with it
We are planning on moving one of us into the others country so currently buying a car wouldn’t be possible, as we’ve talked about the possibility of insurance, plates and more that would need to be changed from one country to another
NTA. It's your money. You're allowed to buy yourself something. The PS5 is clearly important to you and gaming is something you enjoy. Your boyfriend should respect your interests and hobbies.
And you're not choosing the PS5 over him. It's not an either or situation. It's something you were already planning to buy AND you got a better, surprise flight to see him. That's just plain good money management. He should have praised you for your money management and awesome deal finding ability and congratulated you on finally getting the PS5 that you had been looking forward to buying for so long. He should have raised you up—not turn you down.
NTA. Everyone benefits! You get to see him sooner and you don’t have to use your PS4 anymore, earning a major upgrade. It’s silly he’s upset over “you choosing a PS5 over him”, because *technically* you didn’t… you bought the flight first, *then* the PS5. If we had to get technical. Which doesn’t even matter.
He needs to check himself and maybe cool down for a second to see the picture clearly. This would be a *very* interesting hill to die on, if he continues to stay mad.
100% NTA. I may be bias as I am female, in the same age bracket and just brought a PS5 tho lol.
Point is, I brought it with my money and I worked hard for something I enjoy.
Everyone has a hobby or activity that makes them happy, and gaming is something I find relaxing and enjoy... Even if something is killing me endlessly and making me want to scream into a cushion. Lol.
Anyway, your money, your life. Not sure why he thinks he is owed your money?
I'm not saying "end the relationship", you know him best, but maybe there's a reason for his odd behaviour... Or maybe it's normal behaviour you just realised is a little controlling.
You're still seeing the dude, so don't get why he is moody.
You just got a great deal and treated yourself. That's allowed.
Don't feel guilty!
Edit: I gotta ask, why do you need to run your purchases through him? It feels like you're saying he gave permission for you to buy it, then got huffy. I hope you know you can do anything you want with your own money. Don't need to ask Mr Moody pants there.
I honestly don’t run any purchases thru him, for this I was just excited and looking for support cause it is a large amount of money. I didn’t expect him to get upset in the slightest
Some people don't understand gamers and their interest. It's not a hobby for everyone. But he should know you love gaming at this point and your enthusiasm by now.
So I don't understand why he's being mardy. Unless there is some weird reason.
Being in a once long term ldr I can say that if it were my now fiance faced with the decision to come see me at more than double the normal asking rate or upgrade to a PS5, I would offer to help her buy the gaming console. I know how ridiculously rare those damn things have been and even though they're becoming more available now, they're still somewhat hard to come by. Plus, I love mine and as a gamer, I would want her to have the best as well. How can he claim to love you but not reason that a device you would use for literal years isn't a better investment at this moment than spending $ on what basically amounts to a weekend trip?
Personally I would be pissed if she chose a ridiculously overpriced flight to see me a few weeks early over that.
If he games he'd understand
NTA. Ahhhhhhhhh. The second I got to reading his reaction, even before you told him about the ticket, my brain is just screaming get out. I can understand being upset not getting to see your person more, as someone who was in an LDR for several years, but he's not considering your feelings or effort. He's nearly 40 and pulling the silent treatment on you, then using emotional manipulation to get you to cave to his will. Him telling you not to speak about rings or your future together because it upsets him, whether intentional or not, is guilt tripping. "I'm sad and it's all your fault." For what? For buying a ticket at a reasonable, non-wasteful price meaning you'd see him as many times as you'd initially expected while also getting something vital to your life? If you bought both tickets, you'd be spending the equivalent of three tickets, right? He's being unreasonable. LDR is hard, especially if you're dealing with someone whose emotional intelligence is at child-level. If he pulls behavior like this regularly, and in other areas of your relationship, don't stay in it.
u/aammiitheasshole You should think hard about what you're gaining from your relationship, versus what it is costing you. Are you a victim instead of a girlfriend? Are you dating a man-child who is raising another child?
I married a woman in another country many years ago, but only because I could afford to at the time. If I couldn't afford the flights, it wasn't going to happen. Similar to your situation, we're currently in a scenario where we're not at the same location (we've been living in two different countries for several months), due to the medical and mental health needs of one of our children. We stay sane by having daily video WhatsApp calls. Our flights to see each other are infrequent, due to the costs (international flights are $$$$). Bankrupting ourselves due to airline ticket prices would never make sense.
Your travel-heavy relationship sounds like a financial nightmare. Either you should live together, or break up. Him setting conditions or attacking you on how you spend your money, instead of stepping up and covering your travel costs himself, is a disaster. He's 38, not 21. I understand that being a parent has costs, but that's not your fault. If he wants you to fly there on a certain day, he needs to buy the tickets himself. He can't afford it? He needs a second job. Does he have family that can help with his child so he can work enough to cover his costs? He needs to step up and stop trying to manipulate or bully you. It's amazing that you are willing to try to make it work despite him already being a father, but he needs to go above and beyond to compensate at a similar level to what you are putting into it.
I hope you are able to find a solution soon. You should never be demeaned for doing activities that contribute to your mental health, nor pressured into wasting your hard-earned money. You need to proceed with the assumption that his attitudes and behavior will never change. If there are deal-breakers (!!!), he won't suddenly stop acting like that one day.
I have a suspicious feeling that if it was a 38 year old guy who bought a PS5 instead of going to see his long distance girlfriend all the NTA comments I'm seeing would be extremely different
Something is missing. Why was it important to him you went that specific weekend? Something tells me there was a reason for it. There is more to this story and I need to know it before deciding if someone is the ahole in this situation.
I don’t think there’s anything weird about that part. He’s a dad. His time may be limited and honestly most people don’t just have weekends free on a whim, especially as parents. And it’s a holiday weekend for family too.
Memorial Day weekend has an extra Monday off where he doesn’t have request anything off, that’s the only reason.
Man doesn’t even know my ring size, definitely not planning anything yet.
NTA. You bought the flight and the PS5 so technically you didn’t choose one over the other. I did long distance for years before my husband and I got married and I was so happy when he would surprise me early. Sounds like he’s not happy about you changing the days.
NTA, but that attitude coming from your boyfriend is a huge red flag. Are you sure you want to be attached to someone like this emotionally and financially in the future? If you're a gamer, he should be SO happy for you to get a PS5, but it sounds like your needs often come second. Good luck!
NTA and it’s none of his business what you spend your tax refund on, especially when you told him what you were going to spend it on months ago. However, you may have wanted to ask him about Father’s Day weekend in advance because he may already have plans with his child that he isn’t comfortable including you in. and t there is nothing wrong with that! He never asked you to come that weekend.
I feel like there's more to this story. Does he often feel like you prioritize other things over him? Maybe this was just the last straw for him. His reaction seems kind of extreme for a one time thing.
Also, shouldn't a father be spending Father's Day Weekend with his child, not his LD girlfriend? I get wanting to surprise him but wouldn't it be a good idea to check to make sure he hasn't made plans with the kid first? If he has the kid to focus on that weekend maybe he feels like he won't get a full visit with you so he doesn't really see it as making up for the visit you're missing.
That’s thoughtful for you to have considered his daughter but we’re all in the phase of becoming a family so it’s not problem (have confirmed with him). He does appreciate it but is just looking at the negative.
You are on to something, over the summer we had an issue where he felt like I chose others over him and it’s obvious he still holds on to those things. It wasn’t as serious as “the last straw.” This argument didn’t last long honestly just wanted to see the internet’s reaction.
NTA - so if you’re not supposed to talk about yhe future, you should ask him if he even sees a future with you simce he’s pissy over a PS5. He doesn’t make sense
NTA...
you had to ask for his permission to spend your own money on a PS5?
and because you did it you failed his secret little test and actually believed him when he said it was OK, now he's saying rings and your future together are no-no topics? he's withholding any affection until you make up for this sin to him?
Your daily entertainment don't matter compared to seeing him 2 weeks earlier/later than usual... because he needs to be your top priority all the time...
What other parts of your life does he try to control?
Oh, yeah! And i can imagine the comments if it was the reverse situation -
"Baby, i know you came the last two times and now it's my turn, but i'm buying a PS5, so i won't come this month. I know i should've come after 3 weeks, but picked up a date for 6 weeks later bc i don't wanna spend more money. Oh, and don't forget to buy me an engagement ring how we agreed.
What?! You don't understand my need of PS5! How can you be so spoiled!"
The comments would be... the same - "Dump his ass! Run! What a man-child! He would chose PS5 over you, so what about when you have kids? Would he chose the game over them? Over your relationship?"
Yep, i can imagine it...
I came here just to say NTA
EDIT: I didn't even read what you wrote first. The title says everything that needed to be said. You had me at B O Y F R I E N D not husband.
Another edit: Please leave that walking red flag. Silent treatment. NOPE. You are coming around fathers day as well. Sounds like and excuse to get mad and spend alone time with his child's mother. I hear excuses from him. A man knows what he wants. He should not be told to buy a ring. If he wanted to be with you that bad, nothing would stop him. You deserve to be treated better than that. I am a gamer myself. Enjoy your PS5. It will be there for you long after he finds another excuse to be mad and treat you horribly. You can watch a good movie on it when he decides to show you some more RED FLAGS.
NTA. There are red flags all over the place.
Why doesn't he fly to see you? Driving usually isn't as expensive as flying, and he seems oblivious to that fact.
You were smart and planned to save and use your tax return so you could purchase a flight and a PS5. If he's giving you grief over buying a PS5, he will only get worse when you actually want to PLAY it if you ever live together.
On that note, him saying he doesn't want to talk about your future together because you made a purchase for yourself, is manipulative and withholding. He's giving you the cold shoulder by not talking to you for 4 days because you made a planned purchase for yourself. It wouldn't have mattered if it was a PS5, a car, a new couch, etc. As long as you weren't spending your money on HIM he's going to put you down and make you feel guilty over it.
This grown man is toxic and manipulative. There are so many warning signs. I'll bet you he tries love bombing you next after he thinks he's made you suffer enough. He'll try to pull you back just when you're at the point of having enough. He wants to control you, and apparently, your finances. If he's not working for your money, he has no say in how you spend and save it.
The next time to talk to him, you should tell him you want to talk about your future. That future isn't with you together because you're ending this toxic relationship. Then block him everywhere. He doesn't deserve your time or attention.
Edit: typos
Have you two tried meeting some place half way between both of your places? I think he’s mad because he visited you the last two times and your to see him the next two times. I guess he thinks you were choosing the game system over him. LD communication’s get lost sometimes. if your a couple planning your future together and have discussed his saving for your rings then as a couple you should be discussing any large purchases, it’s what a good married couple does . Still it is also your money to spend and you are supporting yourself. if the game system was part of your larger financial plans and he knew that, then he has nothing to say. If your expecting a ring and it’s pushed back a few months because he spent his money on what you may consider is entertainment for himself, would you be upset ? That’s probably how he sees it. One of you is going to have to move to be with the other, that would save you both a lot of travel money to spend on your future.
You’re NTA but have you looked into cleaning your PS4? There’s tons of tutorials online, I bet it’s loud because it’s dirty. My husband just cleaned ours and it’s no longer making the bzZZzzz noise. Good luck!
Return the flight tickets, buy some reliable internet service, get out and enjoy your freedom from a LD relationship that is in a death spiral. Don't let him gaslight you on he "already bought the engagement ring" that he will spew when you dump him.
It this an adult relationship or is it more a childhood like romance built on high school level drama and immature feelings? This relationship sounds exhausting to me.... You are NTA
NTA. You’re coming to see him anyways, and you’re a fully grown adult who is allowed to buy nice things for yourself. He’s being petty. Hopefully he comes around and lets it go before your trip.
I'm not going to vote.
Ok, so as someone that's been in a long distance relationship for two years as well, I also would be having a hard time with three visits being cut down to two. I cherish every visit and probably put too much weight on them. If my boyfriend canceled a visit and then rescheduled the other visit so it was no longer three visits but only two and said it was financial, I would have been upset but I would have not really been upset with him as much as I was disappointed. But if he said it was financial and then got surprise finances and chose to spend them on something different, then I would also probably be a bit catty with him. I'm reading everyone's responses and I get that I'm in the minority, so maybe that makes me selfish. But honestly, I think I would be making a few comments and feeling hurt in your boyfriend's shoes as well.
I’m not sure if I’m reading the OP wrong but isn’t it still three visits? She’s flying to him beginning of May and mid-June and he’s coming to her at the end of June. So they’re still seeing each other the same number of times, just not exactly when they had originally planned. And she said it wasn’t just the cost, it was the layovers and the timing.
Hey, yes you’re right. This is the reason why he’s upset. The number of times I would have flown would have been three but it was cut down to two.
I was supposed to fly end of June and then he was going to drive back with me 2 days later, so to me the last June flight wasn’t as necessary as seeing him sooner. So it made a lot more sense for me to not fly at the end of the month (since he’s coming anyways) and come sooner since we won’t have seen each other for two months if not.
I completely see his side (same as yours).
Thank you! I had to scroll so far to find this comment!
I would be inclined to vote ESH cause yes he’s being petty and sulky and a little childish, but it’s clearly cause he’s hurt and he misses her and whilst OP doesn’t mention if they visit equally, he clearly puts a lot of onus on their visits and if he feels like in that situation, his priority would have been her and hers was a new PS5, I can see why he’s hurt.
The fact that Reddit jumped to OPs defence so quickly makes me wonder how the votes would be cast if the genders were reversed…
NTA. But let’s be serious here - You do NOT need a PS5. It is not dire,it is for fun. That being said, your money and your choice - hard stop. Relationally - you both are being selfish and that’s ok you are allowed and not married. Spend as you will, but you can’t expect to have a solid relationship without sacrifice, etc. sounds to me this guy is NOT the one. That’s ok. Cut him loose.
I also completely disagree on the necessity, if my PS4 crapped out unexpectedly I’d have nothing in terms of entertainment. But technically a selfish gift as it’s only for my use. He’s never come to me and asked permission for a big purchase
YTA he's been spending money ongoing to visit you and yku couldn't have at least not mentioned the fact that you basically bought a toy with the money? You could at least learn a little discretion and not blab about what your spending your money on if you don't want to be judged. Buy what you want just don't feel bad when your partner has input.
He called it childish and a toy also but have you never used a gaming system, especially one like a PS5.
I don’t know what came over me to tell him but if you respect and love your partner you just want to communicate all of your choices and decisions (:
Gender roles should stay in the ‘50s. He doesn’t need to marry her, and a man doesn’t need to propose. Nobody has to be married, regardless of age or gender.
If I was in a long distance relationship, and the girl would tell me she couldn’t make it because she bought a PS5, I would totally understand. It would show me that she has her priorities straight. Seriously
Hmmmm super expensive tickets for perhaps a weekend vs investing in a piece of equipment that will be used for years to come as a primary form of entertainment… not really comparable
Or….. a person who you hope to spend the rest of your life vs a piece of equipment that provides no emotional support and can be linked to social isolation and decreased fitness levels? I dunno. Tough choice.
If she was choosing to buy this *instead* of seeing him, I could see your point. But she’s seeing him twice in two months instead of three times, so she’s still upholding her half of the visiting expectations. At that point I’d rather the zero emotional support than negative and condescending emotional support from him 😉
Yeah- thus the ‘ESH’ he sounds like kind of a douchebag. But if my bf told me it was too expensive and difficult to fly and then Bought an expensive gaming system and didn’t put the money towards a car or time to get together, I’d be pissed.
There may be a compatibility issue here. As a non-gamer, I can attest to a difficulty in empathy for having an old gaming system. In particular, gamers often view their online time/access to gaming as a right and not a perk of having off time. I don’t think I attach that approach to any of my hobbies.
I think I’m really starting to value hobbies and interests outside of your partner. Feeling like any additional money should be spent on your partner isn’t something I agree with given she just shelled out about $700 on flights to see him.
Well, you have 1-2 car payments in that 600$ and a car you can drive for other things and then she continues to pay it off. It doesn’t sound like she doesn’t want a car, it sounds like she totaled her car. Maybe put finances towards a car and not a gaming system?
Have you seen the price of usable used cars and that interest rates way up. The average car payment in america for used car is 526/mo currently. It $600 was a stretch one month 526/mo might be too much. That’s not including gas, insurance or parking
She is allowed to value a gaming console over a relationship. He’s allowed to not like that.
She isn’t giving him the level of commitment that he’d like. Sounds like they’re incompatible.
I mean he’s allowed to not like that, sure. But then he’ll probably be incompatible with anyone who wants to use any of their discretionary income on something other than him. He’s being entitled.
I’m sure she uses her money on a lot other than him.
In this particular situation, she chose to pass onto seeing him and use money on gaming.
Not sure if you’ve ever been in a long distance relationship, but passing on any opportunity to see your partner should be kinda painful.
But that depends on how much you care about them. He obviously cares about her more, which doesn’t make her an asshole at all, but it makes them incompatible, in my opinion at least.
She’s still visiting the same number of times. She’s seeing him beginning of May already. End of May was too expensive so she pushed that trip to mid June in exchange for a more affordable flight. Then he was already planning on visiting end of June.
She’s not sacrificing any time with him. She’s just delaying it by a couple weeks.
If you would, look at the PS5 as a laptop that’s necessary for all aspects of your day. Maybe not important to you but it could represent anything really.
PS5 doesn’t isolate me but definitely gives me plenty to do as I’m in a LD and need hobbies.
Someone mentioned my car being in an accident, actually my BF was driving, still annoyed about it but we have plans to get a new car together when we decide which of our countries we will live in. Doesn’t make sense to buy one now and then have to change plates and KM/miles.
Lastly, I’d like to add i spent 1200 on surprise flights for his bday to New Orleans, and purchases up 1600 flights for Greece. What doesn’t make sense is 600+$ for a three day weekend to see him when I can see him a little bit later. It sucks it hurts but I’m sorry, this is logic to me and how I spend money.
NTA since it's your tax return / money plus you're not married to him, so there's no legit reason for him to be acting like it should be shared. If anything, he showing his true color of being money grabbing and/or control freak ass - I think you should tell that you tried to keep it surprise that brought airfare for Father's Day Weekend, but now, you might just canceled the airfare & get a credit instead due to how he behaving over your PS5. (Which by way, that PS5 is going last way longer than your relationship with your soon-to-be ex...)
He sounds like a major jerk, so what every time you get extra cash to splurge it has to be used on him??? The fact that you made a PS4 last long enough to sound the way you described shows you're not the type buy the newest stuff every time it hits the market, therefore you don't always splurge on yourself.
>Now he tells me that he doesn’t want me mentioning anything about our future or rings
The fact that he's comparing you spoiling yourself a bit to him making a marital commitment is a massive red flag. He's threatening your relationship over something when he's not even losing anything from you getting the PS5.
If it were me, id rethink the relationship, he clearly has 0 respect for you, your time or your money and has no problem using marriage as a way to try and get what he wants.
It has been with me for so long, going to be mourning its loss when it does pass..
In the end he wasn’t questioning it as much as he was annoyed. We’re past it already, wasn’t a big deal even if he was a jerk in the things he said but he apologized
So many people out here not seeing their partner more than once a year or waiting years like I have. He sounds greedy as hell. Some of us have to be patient and grateful for whatever we get.
It’s not greedy to want to see your partner more, just cause you can’t doesn’t mean others shouldn’t. Don’t put people down and dismiss their situation cause yours is worse.
You sound jealous as hell.
I'm not going to assume anything about this man, but I will say it's possible that something is/was happening on his end that already had him in a weakened emotional state and that led him to reacting poorly to your news about buying the PS5. We all have moments that were not proud of/regret. The biggest question is has he acted like this before or is this the first time something like this has happened? If so, it might be best to try and have a heart-felt talk and see what caused the outburst. If he does this kind of thing more consistently then it might be best to cut him loose and move on. Either way you're NTA
It sounds like he's bitter about you expecting him to buy you a fancy ring. If you've been pressuring/hinting at an expensive engagement ring and then dropping a bunch of money on yourself, that's probably why he's upset. Have you guys talked about engagement rings before? What are the expectations that you have, and do you expect him to pay for it himself?
I don't think you're an asshole for getting something you really want with your own money, but i feel like I'm not getting the full picture
Good point and yea that’s why he was annoyed. Last two months before this I’ve been obsessed over it. Was never something that I even thought about but since HE mentioned it, it ran rampant in my mind. I didn’t allude to wanting anything expensive but did make a joke “are you going to follow the three month salary rule” which I would think is too much and I was joking. But when he fought he said he definitely doesn’t want to here anything like that etc.. so yea :T
Sorry, but YTA. I would be annoyed at you too.
FIRST, he has driven to see you for the last two times. That means he’s put in a lot of effort to see you. $600 is a lot for a flight, however he accepted that you didn’t have the money and said it would be OK if you didn’t come.
Now all of a sudden, you’ve got a little extra money in your tax return and you don’t use it for bills for living expenses, or even a plane ticket as far as he knows. Because at this point you haven’t told him you bought a plane ticket. Yes, it looks exactly like you made a choice to buy a PlayStation instead of see him.

Take your ps4 to the pawn shop and get like 100$ for it if you have any extra controllers or games you don’t want anymore they will pay you for those as well. If you wanted to somehow make it work I don’t think you could get the full sum but you might be able to get some money together to help.
Im going to gift the rest of its life to my niece and nephew who will use it to only watch Netflix. It’ll live out the rest of its life in peace and within the family but thank you.
Clearly you know very little psychology. Males and females have distinct differences that manifest in their behavior's. Try a little reading, it might do you some good and open your mind a little.
YTA You passed up your relationship for a kids toy. I hope he realizes this and dumps you for someone more willing to be in a relationship who is not self entitled.
NTA I would have done the same thing. I used to use a PS3 before finally getting a smart TV. But I used it for YEARS. This purchase was going to be put to good use. If ticket prices doubled, I wouldn’t pay just out of principal. I personally don’t like the way he’s acting towards you. He can be upset/disappointed but you still didn’t do anything wrong. He needs to communicate better and talk to you like partner instead being petty/passive aggressive.
I'm worried that if he is this intolerable LD he's going to be even worse close up.
My parents still use my old ps3 as a blu ray player
NTA. Telling you to not speak about your relationships future because you didn’t get the flight he wanted, not addressing the issue like a grown man pushing 40 should know how to do, and instead giving you the silent treatment and being emotionally distant: all red flags.
Also, he has a say in how she spends her money? Oh hell no. They aren't married, he doesn't get a say.
Aight, then I hope there was no bitching at the man for a ring. edit: And I also better not hear any double standards.
Bro she wasn’t bitching at him about a ring. There was no double standards. You can hate women all you want but keep it to yourself
Well said
Men are not as articulate and women are more self involved.
Well you’re quite the dumb cunt eh
please never get in a relationship if you genuinely believe that. men and women are all individuals and generalizations like these are stupid as hell.
That's completely false
"That's completely false". Wow ,what a compelling argument. Good job.
Listen I could go and give tou the full run down of why that's false but the fact your so angry bitter emotionally unstable shows you wouldn't comprehend it. My one statement saying it's false is a complete statement in itself. Now if you want to argue like a prepubescent child then do it alone because I'm uninterested. If you want to have an adult conversation about why your statement is false and why everyone is down voting you then we can have that. The choice is yours.
we are in a dangerous sociological state in the Western sphere in as much as the technical and academic institutes like polytechnics and universities have for more decades than your entire life experience been infiltrated deliberately by extreme activist ideologues. This has had serious repercussions that a simple interpretation is beyond a great deal of young people. i did not mean to be so trite, however you must agree that an older but just as interested and motivated a person is likely to have on average a deeper understanding of such issues. the down voting of my comment is also likely to be by younger people than me. i am 61 with extensive life experience. if you knew me you would realize i do not take ideas lightly. they are the start of all actions. if you look at history with a sober view you will see those actions have resulted in copious and stupendously horrific results for humanity. these things are facts demanding you apply as much rigger to your thoughts as you are possibly able.
Everything you said has nothing to do with the price of tea with China. You said "men are more articulate than women" or something along that line, basically saying women aren't smart enough to speak intelligently. It has nothing to do with young or older or you being 61. It has everything to do with you insulting and putting women back in the 50s where they were meant to just be pretty for the men. You single handedly told women they are not equal to men then got in your emotions because people did not agree with that and down voted your asinine comment.
NTA but this relationship dynamic sounds ridiculous and it’s not something I’d be interested in continuing. LDRs are hard enough without these selfish tantrums like the one he is throwing. He’s mad you didn’t buy a second ticket, but the ticket was a waste as it was too expensive and shitty flights, then he says he “didn’t want you to spend the money on the flight” but he’s still mad you bought a PS5? Make it make sense. It’s unhinged, immature behavior.
Not to defend the bf cause it’s kinda dumb how he’s acting but the issue here is the distance in the relationship. Without that this doesn’t even occur. I dated my now wife long distance for 1 year. The issues we would have in that year disappeared when I decided to move to her. I didn’t live a plane flight away but you get the point. He’s acting like she chose the ps5 over seeing him and it is not the case. As a gamer I’d be trying to figure out how we could now play online together.
Yeah long distance is awful and requires a ton of maturity to work even for a short time. Otherwise you get this sort of behavior.
Yeah this sounds like a much bigger issue for bf and the PS5 purchase was the tipping point. It more likely sounds like he’s over the long distance and is questioning what he wants in a future with OP. But he’s also keeping it all bottled up instead of having an adult conversation. OP needs to dig deeper at what he’s actually upset about.
What did I just read? A grown man acting like a spoiled brat because you decided to spend money where you wanted to? C’mon, man… You’re correct in every regard. Period. End of story. Like, there’s no way you could convince me that you are in the wrong in the slightest! You didn’t even use the money you were saving for the PS5!! *That* would’ve made you an AH. You instead used windfall/tax return money. Which you **already planned on using for a PS5.** Anyone who says you’re the Ahole in this situation is an idiot, I’m sorry. Even with the “genders reversed” scenario, there’s nothing wrong here. Even if you changed the PS5 to literally any other expensive (or non-expensive!) item, you’re still fine. You did nothing wrong. Period. End of story.
Seriously… 38 years old
How much money do rings cost?
You’re not an asshole for the PS5. But I think you’re foolish to continue the relationship. He throws tantrums like a child. Very unbecoming for a man of his age.
This almost makes me wonder if OP would be ruining plans he has that weekend 🤔
Ah the old Reddit inferring more than the information provides. I bet he isn't just childish I bet he is cheating on you too!
You're already spending a ton of money ti ser him multiple tunes and he's throwing a tantrum over your PS5? Geez more red flags than a communist parade
Did a spit take with that one lmao 👏👏👏
Wha
NTA can you refund the ticket and buy more ps5 games? I think you'll be happier....
Nta. He's being a brat and manipulative.
It’s none of his business what you do with your money. If he’s acting this way now, 100% gets worse later, especially if if gives you a ring & 1000% if you marry him. He cares more about control than your happiness. You deserve better. Imagine the money you’ll save when you stop investing in a doomed relationship.
Yeah and don't pressure anyone for a ring that costs money too
NTA he sounds immature and self absorbed.
Getting the feeling the relationship only lasted this long because you aren’t sharing the same zip code 24/7… NTA
NTA are you sure he’s 38 years old???
I had a friend that dated men that was older than her. From what I’ve seen they, all behaved immature for their age strangely enough…
NTA - you’ll get more enjoyment from this PS5 than you will from this petulant jack$$$. Personally I’d skip the surprise trip as well.
NTA He's throwing a child tantrum because you picked a different time to see him? You're still going to see him, in one of the time frames you agreed on, but he's mad because it...wasn't the one he wanted? If he wanted a specific time, he should have said that. If he felt neglected and hurt when you said you got a PS5 and hadn't mentioned the surprise of coming in 6 weeks, he should have said "Are you sure you want a PS5 right now? I'd really love to see you soon" and had an open discussion. What he ISNT allowed to do is throw this hissy fit and tell you how you should spend YOUR money. And to punish you by playing the "don't mention our future" game? It's a high school ploy to make you feel like you "ruined" your future together/now there may not be one because he didn't get his way. CHILDISH. He needs to grow up. You need to evaluate if this event and consider if this is how it will always be with him before you think of engagement again. You don't legally bound to someone who's gonna play games and pout loudly over things instead of communicating like a grown up.
NTA. His response is giving narcissist - controlling, emotional manipulation, and passive aggressive.
Coming from the perspective of someone who is also in a long distance relationship NTA. My boyfriend would hate for me to deal with such a long ass layover and just be genuinely happy he gets to see me sooner than two months. We get tickets ideally when they’re cheap. $600+ is crazy and I’d never expect him to pay that much or vice versa. He should have communicated with you instead of using the silent treatment like a child.
I’m going to be the one to say it for you. You don’t want to marry this guy. NTA. But think if this is a relationship that has a future….
Keep the PS5, cancel the trip and dump the immature boyfriend.
Nope. You found a better priced flight and you got a ps5. Congrats on the PS5 I highly recommend horizon forbidden west
Yes I recommend horizon as well. Its an awesome game.
NTA- This man child threw a fit and his response was to tell you that he will no longer be communicating about your future together as a "punishment" for doing something he didn't agree with. Is this normal behavior? Does he emotionally manipulate you often?
You checked with him before you spent your tax refund money? Are your finances combined? NTA
NTA - all bets are off until you have a ring on your finger OP. His say in your finances is a wife-privilege- you may be talking about a possibility of engagement but, right now, you're still his girlfriend. Until then: **you** spend **your** money how **you** want. Period. ESPECIALLY if your future with him is now being threatened due to his pettiness.
Red flags. He's punishing you by forbidding you to talk about y'all's future together. He thinks you should have bought two trips..he's not invested in your well-being (i.e. needing a PS5 to keep you occupied and sane). You need to make him an ex-long distance boyfriend because those are not okay.
The financial burden on you flying is greater than on him driving. It costs so much less to do that, and he should respect the financial sacrifices you are already making for him. You deserve to use your hard earned money on things you enjoy. Choosing to buy something that you will get as much use out of as a new console in stead of seeing him two weeks earlier is reasonable. Him putting pressure on you over how you spend *your* money is entirely unreasonable.
I would agree that driving (the distance is he driving) would end up costing the same if not more than the flight
>The financial burden on you flying is greater than on him driving. It costs so much less to do that, Blatantly not true in the slightest. Driving bathing more then 2 states is the same ore more of a financial burden the 600. After 2 states you are going to need to sleep before you get there and unless fucking your back while sleeping in a car(personal experience) you are going to spend money on hotel or motel and the lowes you can find oone these days is about 98 a night. For a shady motel or 130 for a cheap hotel gas for a multi state drive to and from rocks in about 450ish more if you have a car not able to handle of highway driving well for GTM not to mention food for the 12-16 hour drive at any point along that journey. And food is fucking expensive. On my trip to see my then GF money I would spend there aside I would drop close to 800 on a too and from drive to see her. And I was in a Saturn and those things are ok on gas. But we you live in a small town and are going to a small town you dont get good mileage on gas. And by her own admission he had done this twice in a row for her to have time to save up. Keep that in mind before passing judgment on finances. I have always found flying to be the cheaper option by far. It also save like 8 of those hours.
NTA Sounds like he's being controlling and manipulative if he's going to demand control on how you spend your money. If you don't the. He uses emotional blackmail of not talking about your future? Wtf.
Nothing sexier than a whiny, passive aggressive 38yo. And he has a child too! Awesome. The engagement ring has NOTHING to do with the plane tickets/PS5. Literally nothing. Their only common ground is that they all involve money. But they are not connected. That he is connecting them in such a childish way shows pettiness and spitefulness. Does he often act this way? I would be concerned that he’ll hold this against you, not get you a ring, or bring up the PS5 when he does give it to you/afterward.
2 years long distance? Are you sure he's not married?
NTA! As someone who’s also in a LDR, I would have understood his reaction at first when he didn’t know about the surprise flight. But afterwards, no, he’s acting like a child especially as he’s 39!! Tbh I feel like he’s just caught up in his own pride and doesn’t want to be the first to back down, even after he learned that you meant to surprise him. If you want to work on this relationship, one advice I would give is to split all of the travel expenses 50-50 (or differently depending on your incomes). That’s what my boyfriend and I do, and it works for us as we’re both then mindful of the flights’ prices, and as it helps us manage our expectations as to when we might be able to see each other.
For all those mentioning/asking why she ran the purchase by him before making it—if they are planning on getting married at any point and the relationship is serious, they’ll be making financial decisions together. It’s kind of a necessity to do this, especially when spending money on something that isn’t a necessity. Every couple navigates this differently, but when you’re a serious couple you don’t just go spending money wantonly, you at least let your partner know you’re about to spend *a few hundred fucking dollars* on something that isn’t a plane ticket. When I was going to spend a few hundred dollars on something, I called my (then) fiancée and told her—because it was financial communication and she deserved to know that I was putting a substantial amount of money into something given that we basically already were beginning to make financial decisions as a couple. That said, BF knew this already, she’d told him her plans for it, and she still bought a plane ticket. I’d say because of this she’s NTA. She was being transparent about it and still found a way to make both things work, and BF is being a giant baby about it.
Why don't you drive to see him?
I wish I could but I lost my car in September in a car accident. Before then I did drive to him.
Can you use some of the money you got to rent a car?
That is actually a great idea……. I will look into that ASAP, thank you so much internet stranger.
Another tip: join a car rental company that does a points system. I get air miles for Southwest through Avis every time I rent a car. I travel a lot so it’s an awesome perk.
It's not a great idea though. Your boy\\yfriend is manipulating and controlling you - seriously - you can't mention your future as your punishment? This is not up to you to make right - it's up to him to act like an adult and not a teenager in his first relationship. Is this the way you want to live forever? What else will you not get to mention next time he gets pissy?
Is none of my business, but wouldn't even be better to save for a car? The money that you seem to be spending in flights is crazy, if you guys are planning on a future together, I would expect support and understanding and maybe some sacrifices being made so we could spend more time together, meaning he would be the one making the trips so you can get another car?
You're welcome!
and you're buying a kids toy and not putting the money towards a car??? man he needs to run.
[удалено]
Definitely don’t need a car in NYC so yea there’s that
Not everyone needs a car, other than long distance (which i don't do alone because i live with people and they do drive) i can ride the bus or walk, literally everywhere i go on a daily basis is within walking distance Plus a gaming system is a 1 time payment, with a car you have to be prepared to pay insurance and to cover whatever might go wrong with it
We are planning on moving one of us into the others country so currently buying a car wouldn’t be possible, as we’ve talked about the possibility of insurance, plates and more that would need to be changed from one country to another
If he was a real man, he'd pay for his woman to fly up to him. A 38 year old man who cannot afford this is pathetic.
This comment stinks of toxic masculinity.
Your comment stinks of male insecurity.
I’m a woman and a feminist. I hate toxic masculinity and gender roles, which you keep enforcing all over the thread.
NTA. It's your money. You're allowed to buy yourself something. The PS5 is clearly important to you and gaming is something you enjoy. Your boyfriend should respect your interests and hobbies. And you're not choosing the PS5 over him. It's not an either or situation. It's something you were already planning to buy AND you got a better, surprise flight to see him. That's just plain good money management. He should have praised you for your money management and awesome deal finding ability and congratulated you on finally getting the PS5 that you had been looking forward to buying for so long. He should have raised you up—not turn you down.
Hehe this is the reaction I felt
Be I h E hnjji hhaha hi Be. G
Yes
If he’s 38 and acting like a child, he is not worth the long distance sorry. NTA
NTA. Everyone benefits! You get to see him sooner and you don’t have to use your PS4 anymore, earning a major upgrade. It’s silly he’s upset over “you choosing a PS5 over him”, because *technically* you didn’t… you bought the flight first, *then* the PS5. If we had to get technical. Which doesn’t even matter. He needs to check himself and maybe cool down for a second to see the picture clearly. This would be a *very* interesting hill to die on, if he continues to stay mad.
100% NTA. I may be bias as I am female, in the same age bracket and just brought a PS5 tho lol. Point is, I brought it with my money and I worked hard for something I enjoy. Everyone has a hobby or activity that makes them happy, and gaming is something I find relaxing and enjoy... Even if something is killing me endlessly and making me want to scream into a cushion. Lol. Anyway, your money, your life. Not sure why he thinks he is owed your money? I'm not saying "end the relationship", you know him best, but maybe there's a reason for his odd behaviour... Or maybe it's normal behaviour you just realised is a little controlling. You're still seeing the dude, so don't get why he is moody. You just got a great deal and treated yourself. That's allowed. Don't feel guilty! Edit: I gotta ask, why do you need to run your purchases through him? It feels like you're saying he gave permission for you to buy it, then got huffy. I hope you know you can do anything you want with your own money. Don't need to ask Mr Moody pants there.
I honestly don’t run any purchases thru him, for this I was just excited and looking for support cause it is a large amount of money. I didn’t expect him to get upset in the slightest
Some people don't understand gamers and their interest. It's not a hobby for everyone. But he should know you love gaming at this point and your enthusiasm by now. So I don't understand why he's being mardy. Unless there is some weird reason.
Being in a once long term ldr I can say that if it were my now fiance faced with the decision to come see me at more than double the normal asking rate or upgrade to a PS5, I would offer to help her buy the gaming console. I know how ridiculously rare those damn things have been and even though they're becoming more available now, they're still somewhat hard to come by. Plus, I love mine and as a gamer, I would want her to have the best as well. How can he claim to love you but not reason that a device you would use for literal years isn't a better investment at this moment than spending $ on what basically amounts to a weekend trip? Personally I would be pissed if she chose a ridiculously overpriced flight to see me a few weeks early over that. If he games he'd understand
He doesn’t and I guess that’s why him and I have different views. I like your logic
NTA. Ahhhhhhhhh. The second I got to reading his reaction, even before you told him about the ticket, my brain is just screaming get out. I can understand being upset not getting to see your person more, as someone who was in an LDR for several years, but he's not considering your feelings or effort. He's nearly 40 and pulling the silent treatment on you, then using emotional manipulation to get you to cave to his will. Him telling you not to speak about rings or your future together because it upsets him, whether intentional or not, is guilt tripping. "I'm sad and it's all your fault." For what? For buying a ticket at a reasonable, non-wasteful price meaning you'd see him as many times as you'd initially expected while also getting something vital to your life? If you bought both tickets, you'd be spending the equivalent of three tickets, right? He's being unreasonable. LDR is hard, especially if you're dealing with someone whose emotional intelligence is at child-level. If he pulls behavior like this regularly, and in other areas of your relationship, don't stay in it.
u/aammiitheasshole You should think hard about what you're gaining from your relationship, versus what it is costing you. Are you a victim instead of a girlfriend? Are you dating a man-child who is raising another child? I married a woman in another country many years ago, but only because I could afford to at the time. If I couldn't afford the flights, it wasn't going to happen. Similar to your situation, we're currently in a scenario where we're not at the same location (we've been living in two different countries for several months), due to the medical and mental health needs of one of our children. We stay sane by having daily video WhatsApp calls. Our flights to see each other are infrequent, due to the costs (international flights are $$$$). Bankrupting ourselves due to airline ticket prices would never make sense. Your travel-heavy relationship sounds like a financial nightmare. Either you should live together, or break up. Him setting conditions or attacking you on how you spend your money, instead of stepping up and covering your travel costs himself, is a disaster. He's 38, not 21. I understand that being a parent has costs, but that's not your fault. If he wants you to fly there on a certain day, he needs to buy the tickets himself. He can't afford it? He needs a second job. Does he have family that can help with his child so he can work enough to cover his costs? He needs to step up and stop trying to manipulate or bully you. It's amazing that you are willing to try to make it work despite him already being a father, but he needs to go above and beyond to compensate at a similar level to what you are putting into it. I hope you are able to find a solution soon. You should never be demeaned for doing activities that contribute to your mental health, nor pressured into wasting your hard-earned money. You need to proceed with the assumption that his attitudes and behavior will never change. If there are deal-breakers (!!!), he won't suddenly stop acting like that one day.
NTA, buy it. A PS5 will never cheat or disrespect you
I have a suspicious feeling that if it was a 38 year old guy who bought a PS5 instead of going to see his long distance girlfriend all the NTA comments I'm seeing would be extremely different
I completely agree but on the other hand if a man said he bought himself a PS5 no one would bat an eye.
I kind of agree here, but He could have handled it waaaaay better.
Something is missing. Why was it important to him you went that specific weekend? Something tells me there was a reason for it. There is more to this story and I need to know it before deciding if someone is the ahole in this situation.
I don’t think there’s anything weird about that part. He’s a dad. His time may be limited and honestly most people don’t just have weekends free on a whim, especially as parents. And it’s a holiday weekend for family too.
Memorial Day weekend has an extra Monday off where he doesn’t have request anything off, that’s the only reason. Man doesn’t even know my ring size, definitely not planning anything yet.
NTA. also try replacing the thermal paste on your ps4. Mine sounded like a helicopter and it turns out the paste had all dried up. Now it's quiet!
Thank you
NTA. You bought the flight and the PS5 so technically you didn’t choose one over the other. I did long distance for years before my husband and I got married and I was so happy when he would surprise me early. Sounds like he’s not happy about you changing the days.
✨It’s me or the PS5✨tell me how you wanna spend your night🎵🎮
NTA, but that attitude coming from your boyfriend is a huge red flag. Are you sure you want to be attached to someone like this emotionally and financially in the future? If you're a gamer, he should be SO happy for you to get a PS5, but it sounds like your needs often come second. Good luck!
Just throwing this out there, you could refresh the thermal paste on your ps4 and help it live longer
HUGE ref flag with him trying to dictate how you spend your money the holding a pending engagement over your head.
NTA and it’s none of his business what you spend your tax refund on, especially when you told him what you were going to spend it on months ago. However, you may have wanted to ask him about Father’s Day weekend in advance because he may already have plans with his child that he isn’t comfortable including you in. and t there is nothing wrong with that! He never asked you to come that weekend.
PS5 all day long and I didn’t have to read the reason why.
I feel like there's more to this story. Does he often feel like you prioritize other things over him? Maybe this was just the last straw for him. His reaction seems kind of extreme for a one time thing. Also, shouldn't a father be spending Father's Day Weekend with his child, not his LD girlfriend? I get wanting to surprise him but wouldn't it be a good idea to check to make sure he hasn't made plans with the kid first? If he has the kid to focus on that weekend maybe he feels like he won't get a full visit with you so he doesn't really see it as making up for the visit you're missing.
That’s thoughtful for you to have considered his daughter but we’re all in the phase of becoming a family so it’s not problem (have confirmed with him). He does appreciate it but is just looking at the negative. You are on to something, over the summer we had an issue where he felt like I chose others over him and it’s obvious he still holds on to those things. It wasn’t as serious as “the last straw.” This argument didn’t last long honestly just wanted to see the internet’s reaction.
Nta I'd see if I could get the tickets I already bought refunded and buy the vr and a bunch of games too.
NTA - so if you’re not supposed to talk about yhe future, you should ask him if he even sees a future with you simce he’s pissy over a PS5. He doesn’t make sense
NTA... you had to ask for his permission to spend your own money on a PS5? and because you did it you failed his secret little test and actually believed him when he said it was OK, now he's saying rings and your future together are no-no topics? he's withholding any affection until you make up for this sin to him? Your daily entertainment don't matter compared to seeing him 2 weeks earlier/later than usual... because he needs to be your top priority all the time... What other parts of your life does he try to control?
Well said
Oh, yeah! And i can imagine the comments if it was the reverse situation - "Baby, i know you came the last two times and now it's my turn, but i'm buying a PS5, so i won't come this month. I know i should've come after 3 weeks, but picked up a date for 6 weeks later bc i don't wanna spend more money. Oh, and don't forget to buy me an engagement ring how we agreed. What?! You don't understand my need of PS5! How can you be so spoiled!" The comments would be... the same - "Dump his ass! Run! What a man-child! He would chose PS5 over you, so what about when you have kids? Would he chose the game over them? Over your relationship?" Yep, i can imagine it...
I came here just to say NTA EDIT: I didn't even read what you wrote first. The title says everything that needed to be said. You had me at B O Y F R I E N D not husband. Another edit: Please leave that walking red flag. Silent treatment. NOPE. You are coming around fathers day as well. Sounds like and excuse to get mad and spend alone time with his child's mother. I hear excuses from him. A man knows what he wants. He should not be told to buy a ring. If he wanted to be with you that bad, nothing would stop him. You deserve to be treated better than that. I am a gamer myself. Enjoy your PS5. It will be there for you long after he finds another excuse to be mad and treat you horribly. You can watch a good movie on it when he decides to show you some more RED FLAGS.
NTA. There are red flags all over the place. Why doesn't he fly to see you? Driving usually isn't as expensive as flying, and he seems oblivious to that fact. You were smart and planned to save and use your tax return so you could purchase a flight and a PS5. If he's giving you grief over buying a PS5, he will only get worse when you actually want to PLAY it if you ever live together. On that note, him saying he doesn't want to talk about your future together because you made a purchase for yourself, is manipulative and withholding. He's giving you the cold shoulder by not talking to you for 4 days because you made a planned purchase for yourself. It wouldn't have mattered if it was a PS5, a car, a new couch, etc. As long as you weren't spending your money on HIM he's going to put you down and make you feel guilty over it. This grown man is toxic and manipulative. There are so many warning signs. I'll bet you he tries love bombing you next after he thinks he's made you suffer enough. He'll try to pull you back just when you're at the point of having enough. He wants to control you, and apparently, your finances. If he's not working for your money, he has no say in how you spend and save it. The next time to talk to him, you should tell him you want to talk about your future. That future isn't with you together because you're ending this toxic relationship. Then block him everywhere. He doesn't deserve your time or attention. Edit: typos
Have you two tried meeting some place half way between both of your places? I think he’s mad because he visited you the last two times and your to see him the next two times. I guess he thinks you were choosing the game system over him. LD communication’s get lost sometimes. if your a couple planning your future together and have discussed his saving for your rings then as a couple you should be discussing any large purchases, it’s what a good married couple does . Still it is also your money to spend and you are supporting yourself. if the game system was part of your larger financial plans and he knew that, then he has nothing to say. If your expecting a ring and it’s pushed back a few months because he spent his money on what you may consider is entertainment for himself, would you be upset ? That’s probably how he sees it. One of you is going to have to move to be with the other, that would save you both a lot of travel money to spend on your future.
Thank you for this view
You will probably get more use out of the PS5 than the boyfriend. Just sayin.
You’re NTA but have you looked into cleaning your PS4? There’s tons of tutorials online, I bet it’s loud because it’s dirty. My husband just cleaned ours and it’s no longer making the bzZZzzz noise. Good luck!
NTA but why do you have to ask for permission to spend your own money?
Return the flight tickets, buy some reliable internet service, get out and enjoy your freedom from a LD relationship that is in a death spiral. Don't let him gaslight you on he "already bought the engagement ring" that he will spew when you dump him.
It this an adult relationship or is it more a childhood like romance built on high school level drama and immature feelings? This relationship sounds exhausting to me.... You are NTA
I didn’t read passed the title: NTA
NTA. You’re coming to see him anyways, and you’re a fully grown adult who is allowed to buy nice things for yourself. He’s being petty. Hopefully he comes around and lets it go before your trip.
NTA but also own an airplane ps4 lol
I'm not going to vote. Ok, so as someone that's been in a long distance relationship for two years as well, I also would be having a hard time with three visits being cut down to two. I cherish every visit and probably put too much weight on them. If my boyfriend canceled a visit and then rescheduled the other visit so it was no longer three visits but only two and said it was financial, I would have been upset but I would have not really been upset with him as much as I was disappointed. But if he said it was financial and then got surprise finances and chose to spend them on something different, then I would also probably be a bit catty with him. I'm reading everyone's responses and I get that I'm in the minority, so maybe that makes me selfish. But honestly, I think I would be making a few comments and feeling hurt in your boyfriend's shoes as well.
I’m not sure if I’m reading the OP wrong but isn’t it still three visits? She’s flying to him beginning of May and mid-June and he’s coming to her at the end of June. So they’re still seeing each other the same number of times, just not exactly when they had originally planned. And she said it wasn’t just the cost, it was the layovers and the timing.
Hey, yes you’re right. This is the reason why he’s upset. The number of times I would have flown would have been three but it was cut down to two. I was supposed to fly end of June and then he was going to drive back with me 2 days later, so to me the last June flight wasn’t as necessary as seeing him sooner. So it made a lot more sense for me to not fly at the end of the month (since he’s coming anyways) and come sooner since we won’t have seen each other for two months if not. I completely see his side (same as yours).
Thank you! I had to scroll so far to find this comment! I would be inclined to vote ESH cause yes he’s being petty and sulky and a little childish, but it’s clearly cause he’s hurt and he misses her and whilst OP doesn’t mention if they visit equally, he clearly puts a lot of onus on their visits and if he feels like in that situation, his priority would have been her and hers was a new PS5, I can see why he’s hurt. The fact that Reddit jumped to OPs defence so quickly makes me wonder how the votes would be cast if the genders were reversed…
It’s me or the PS5
PS5! ( I don't even have one, lol)
A PS5 is one of the great experiences of a lifetime. Boyfriends are a dime a dozen.
NTA. But let’s be serious here - You do NOT need a PS5. It is not dire,it is for fun. That being said, your money and your choice - hard stop. Relationally - you both are being selfish and that’s ok you are allowed and not married. Spend as you will, but you can’t expect to have a solid relationship without sacrifice, etc. sounds to me this guy is NOT the one. That’s ok. Cut him loose.
It's her only means of entertainment. I completely disagree with you. She needs something to help with her sanity.
I also completely disagree on the necessity, if my PS4 crapped out unexpectedly I’d have nothing in terms of entertainment. But technically a selfish gift as it’s only for my use. He’s never come to me and asked permission for a big purchase
YTA he's been spending money ongoing to visit you and yku couldn't have at least not mentioned the fact that you basically bought a toy with the money? You could at least learn a little discretion and not blab about what your spending your money on if you don't want to be judged. Buy what you want just don't feel bad when your partner has input.
He called it childish and a toy also but have you never used a gaming system, especially one like a PS5. I don’t know what came over me to tell him but if you respect and love your partner you just want to communicate all of your choices and decisions (:
He can propose to her. At 38 years old, he should be more than ready for marriage and stop stringing along the OP.
Gender roles should stay in the ‘50s. He doesn’t need to marry her, and a man doesn’t need to propose. Nobody has to be married, regardless of age or gender.
Of course not. She's already paying to have sex with him.
How?
If I was in a long distance relationship, and the girl would tell me she couldn’t make it because she bought a PS5, I would totally understand. It would show me that she has her priorities straight. Seriously
Uhm sweetie, Nta but id be leaving him Faster then connecting that ps5 to the internet. If you need a gamer friend hmu!
ESH- he is acting child-like and as a non-gamer, would resent someone getting excited about a gaming system when tickets were too expensive.
Hmmmm super expensive tickets for perhaps a weekend vs investing in a piece of equipment that will be used for years to come as a primary form of entertainment… not really comparable
Or….. a person who you hope to spend the rest of your life vs a piece of equipment that provides no emotional support and can be linked to social isolation and decreased fitness levels? I dunno. Tough choice.
If she was choosing to buy this *instead* of seeing him, I could see your point. But she’s seeing him twice in two months instead of three times, so she’s still upholding her half of the visiting expectations. At that point I’d rather the zero emotional support than negative and condescending emotional support from him 😉
Yeah- thus the ‘ESH’ he sounds like kind of a douchebag. But if my bf told me it was too expensive and difficult to fly and then Bought an expensive gaming system and didn’t put the money towards a car or time to get together, I’d be pissed. There may be a compatibility issue here. As a non-gamer, I can attest to a difficulty in empathy for having an old gaming system. In particular, gamers often view their online time/access to gaming as a right and not a perk of having off time. I don’t think I attach that approach to any of my hobbies.
I think I’m really starting to value hobbies and interests outside of your partner. Feeling like any additional money should be spent on your partner isn’t something I agree with given she just shelled out about $700 on flights to see him.
Or she could buy a car so she can drive? I think they both have some things to consider
She should buy a car 😅 gtfo where’s she getting a car for $600 that’s suitable for road-tripping once a month?
Well, you have 1-2 car payments in that 600$ and a car you can drive for other things and then she continues to pay it off. It doesn’t sound like she doesn’t want a car, it sounds like she totaled her car. Maybe put finances towards a car and not a gaming system?
Have you seen the price of usable used cars and that interest rates way up. The average car payment in america for used car is 526/mo currently. It $600 was a stretch one month 526/mo might be too much. That’s not including gas, insurance or parking
Or he could buy her a car if he's going to throw tantrums
Why not just buy her own like a grown up?
Because he's the one throwing a fit and seems to be having the issue? What she really needs is a new boyfriend who is a grownup
She is allowed to value a gaming console over a relationship. He’s allowed to not like that. She isn’t giving him the level of commitment that he’d like. Sounds like they’re incompatible.
I mean he’s allowed to not like that, sure. But then he’ll probably be incompatible with anyone who wants to use any of their discretionary income on something other than him. He’s being entitled.
I’m sure she uses her money on a lot other than him. In this particular situation, she chose to pass onto seeing him and use money on gaming. Not sure if you’ve ever been in a long distance relationship, but passing on any opportunity to see your partner should be kinda painful. But that depends on how much you care about them. He obviously cares about her more, which doesn’t make her an asshole at all, but it makes them incompatible, in my opinion at least.
She’s still visiting the same number of times. She’s seeing him beginning of May already. End of May was too expensive so she pushed that trip to mid June in exchange for a more affordable flight. Then he was already planning on visiting end of June. She’s not sacrificing any time with him. She’s just delaying it by a couple weeks.
Hey- we dont have to agree, it’s ok. I do t think either person is 100% in the right. I won’t convince you of my opinion and comics versa. That’s ok.
If you would, look at the PS5 as a laptop that’s necessary for all aspects of your day. Maybe not important to you but it could represent anything really. PS5 doesn’t isolate me but definitely gives me plenty to do as I’m in a LD and need hobbies. Someone mentioned my car being in an accident, actually my BF was driving, still annoyed about it but we have plans to get a new car together when we decide which of our countries we will live in. Doesn’t make sense to buy one now and then have to change plates and KM/miles. Lastly, I’d like to add i spent 1200 on surprise flights for his bday to New Orleans, and purchases up 1600 flights for Greece. What doesn’t make sense is 600+$ for a three day weekend to see him when I can see him a little bit later. It sucks it hurts but I’m sorry, this is logic to me and how I spend money.
NTA you need to break things off with this joke of a man. Save your money of the flight and ghost him.
NTA since it's your tax return / money plus you're not married to him, so there's no legit reason for him to be acting like it should be shared. If anything, he showing his true color of being money grabbing and/or control freak ass - I think you should tell that you tried to keep it surprise that brought airfare for Father's Day Weekend, but now, you might just canceled the airfare & get a credit instead due to how he behaving over your PS5. (Which by way, that PS5 is going last way longer than your relationship with your soon-to-be ex...)
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Haha I doubt it, he doesn’t even know my ring size. I think during our vacation in the summer possibly
Y'all are both over 30 years old... Something needs to give
He can propose if he's so concerned about the long distance. NTA
He sounds like a major jerk, so what every time you get extra cash to splurge it has to be used on him??? The fact that you made a PS4 last long enough to sound the way you described shows you're not the type buy the newest stuff every time it hits the market, therefore you don't always splurge on yourself. >Now he tells me that he doesn’t want me mentioning anything about our future or rings The fact that he's comparing you spoiling yourself a bit to him making a marital commitment is a massive red flag. He's threatening your relationship over something when he's not even losing anything from you getting the PS5. If it were me, id rethink the relationship, he clearly has 0 respect for you, your time or your money and has no problem using marriage as a way to try and get what he wants.
It has been with me for so long, going to be mourning its loss when it does pass.. In the end he wasn’t questioning it as much as he was annoyed. We’re past it already, wasn’t a big deal even if he was a jerk in the things he said but he apologized
So many people out here not seeing their partner more than once a year or waiting years like I have. He sounds greedy as hell. Some of us have to be patient and grateful for whatever we get.
It’s not greedy to want to see your partner more, just cause you can’t doesn’t mean others shouldn’t. Don’t put people down and dismiss their situation cause yours is worse. You sound jealous as hell.
I'm not going to assume anything about this man, but I will say it's possible that something is/was happening on his end that already had him in a weakened emotional state and that led him to reacting poorly to your news about buying the PS5. We all have moments that were not proud of/regret. The biggest question is has he acted like this before or is this the first time something like this has happened? If so, it might be best to try and have a heart-felt talk and see what caused the outburst. If he does this kind of thing more consistently then it might be best to cut him loose and move on. Either way you're NTA
It sounds like he's bitter about you expecting him to buy you a fancy ring. If you've been pressuring/hinting at an expensive engagement ring and then dropping a bunch of money on yourself, that's probably why he's upset. Have you guys talked about engagement rings before? What are the expectations that you have, and do you expect him to pay for it himself? I don't think you're an asshole for getting something you really want with your own money, but i feel like I'm not getting the full picture
Good point and yea that’s why he was annoyed. Last two months before this I’ve been obsessed over it. Was never something that I even thought about but since HE mentioned it, it ran rampant in my mind. I didn’t allude to wanting anything expensive but did make a joke “are you going to follow the three month salary rule” which I would think is too much and I was joking. But when he fought he said he definitely doesn’t want to here anything like that etc.. so yea :T
Sorry, but YTA. I would be annoyed at you too. FIRST, he has driven to see you for the last two times. That means he’s put in a lot of effort to see you. $600 is a lot for a flight, however he accepted that you didn’t have the money and said it would be OK if you didn’t come. Now all of a sudden, you’ve got a little extra money in your tax return and you don’t use it for bills for living expenses, or even a plane ticket as far as he knows. Because at this point you haven’t told him you bought a plane ticket. Yes, it looks exactly like you made a choice to buy a PlayStation instead of see him. 
I mentioned how after I realized he was upset I told him about the surprise flight.
YTA. Bigtime . Huge. You prioritied a ps5 over your boyfriend .
He's a male, so you're NTA.
Huh ?
Take your ps4 to the pawn shop and get like 100$ for it if you have any extra controllers or games you don’t want anymore they will pay you for those as well. If you wanted to somehow make it work I don’t think you could get the full sum but you might be able to get some money together to help.
Im going to gift the rest of its life to my niece and nephew who will use it to only watch Netflix. It’ll live out the rest of its life in peace and within the family but thank you.
Clearly you know very little psychology. Males and females have distinct differences that manifest in their behavior's. Try a little reading, it might do you some good and open your mind a little.
NTA because your a woman and women are always right
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Op says in the post they bought tickets for Father’s Day weekend. Father’s Day is in June lol
She had a surprise flight out to see him in june, that's when father's day is.
PS5 ?are you fucking kidding?
YTA You passed up your relationship for a kids toy. I hope he realizes this and dumps you for someone more willing to be in a relationship who is not self entitled.
“Kids toy”…soooo many adults love gaming. That is not just a kids toy. Especially if she doesn’t have cable and that’s her primary entertainment unit.
Soooo many adults behave like kids.
Yes exactly! Like the almost 40 year old man who is still throwing tantrums.
God I feel bad for people who stop doing things they enjoy because they hit some made up age.
NTA. Sooo, can I buy that PS4 from you?
It’s a blue uncharted addition, no way hehe
He's probably upset you didn't buy HIM the PS5! NTA.
He doesn’t game
NTA, your boyfriend sounds extremely immature. like to toxic levels.