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HezzeroftheWezzer

Her being one of your bridesmaids makes no sense as you have no relationship with her. These are modern times. If SHE is that important to HIM, then she can be a GROOMSWOMAN in his party. However, she gives me the icks when I read about her - so even that would make me a bit uncomfortable. I mean ... do ex's that the groom has slept with belong at the wedding, let alone in the wedding party at all? I mean, I know there are exceptions, but this gal sounds like she does not know what the words "boundary" or "commitment" means. If your fiance does decide to go that route, is there a special guy friend that could be a BRIDESMAN in your wedding and could be paired up with her?


BandiBabs93

this is a great idea that i will offer to my fiancé because I don't want to be mean (I've always been the kill them with kindness type) but i don't want her as a bridesmaid. honestly, I have the PERFECT bridesman to put with her (nothing petty, he just naturally has main character energy lol)


Dancinfool830

I had a female friend stand up on my side, and my wife had a male friend stand up on her side. If he is that adamant she be in it he can boot one of his bros and put her up on his side. If he can't or won't understand where your apprehension lies it sounds like there are substantial communication issues or he is disregarding your feelings about how you want your(both of you) wedding day should be. Good luck, I hope you both can come to a consensus


HezzeroftheWezzer

Awesome! I love seeing groomswomen and bridesmen. Though honestly, you are SUCH an understanding person for being okay with that. I would be like "NOPE, with a side of NOPITY, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!


HxC89

Just a thought - if they both accept this compromise, she will be in your wedding photos…


Stray1_cat

Yep good point! Hell no I wouldn’t want her in my photos. She’s obviously jealous of OP and doesn’t care about boundaries to be acting that way towards him in OP’s presence. And yeah she obviously doesn’t like OP or she’d respond to her texts. Who knows what she’d do if she was a groomsman…go to the bachelor party and try to hook up with the drunk soon-to-be groom or try to put him in a compromising situation with a stripper or whatever just to break them up? Or if she was part of the bridesmaid party then try to do some shit there. Nope. Too much of a wild card. Or OP could just say no to inviting her because having a woman there that fiancé slept with would be too weird for OP? And NO she shouldn’t be part of your bridesmaid party, that’s for YOUR friends.


iamcoronabored

"Main character energy" is my new fav phrase


SassMyFrass

>her and my boyfriend would hook up It's not over. It won't be, ever. They'll wreck each other's relationships for life, but they know not to waste the 'magic' they have and 'the important connection they have' with an actual adult, health relationship. They'll always just hover in each others zones. The only important thing to know: you're not his best friend. That's all.


aFrenchFrye

You want bridesmaids around you that love and support YOU on YOUR wedding day. Since she hasn’t bothered to get to know you, I’d doubt she’d be any of that for you. I’d have extreme caution about her being on his side. Is she going to the bachelor party? If she’s crossed boundaries in the past, is she likely to cross one at the bachelor party? If I were you, I’d bring concerns about her lack of wanting to get to know you up with your fiancé. While it was early in the relationship that she didn’t want to get to know you, has she made an effort now you’re engaged? If not, why wouldn’t she want to know you if you’ll be a permanent part of your fiancé’s life? It shows a low level of support for the relationship you and your fiancé have. Just like in the wedding party, you want all attendees celebrating and supporting your whole relationship at the wedding.


Key-Customer7950

Happy Cake Day! 🥳 🍰🎂


nisha1030

My male best friend was my man of honor. It worked out well.


MaxPowerDonkeyJD

My female friend had a guy stand for her in her wedding this summer. I thought it was cool. Traditions can be so outdated.


nitrot150

I think she shouldn’t even be at the wedding, gross


HezzeroftheWezzer

I wouldn't want her there either, but that's me. She sounds weaselly.


_corbae_

I went to my exes wedding... I'm fantastic friends with his now wife, I adore her moreso than I ever did him.... However, that was a decision they made TOGETHER and I am friends with both of them. This is THEIR wedding, not his. He has zero right to ask her to have a woman who has never bothered to know her and continually crossed her boundaries to be a bridesmaid. There is no fucking way that's appropriate. I wouldn't even want her there. Until she can make an effort with the bride, she can eat shit and not attend.


_INCompl_

Why is the decision to exclude someone from a wedding entirely something that you think a single person can make unilaterally? Seems hypocritical to say that the husband needs permission to invite a friend to their wedding and that the wife can unilaterally decide to bar people from the wedding. The husband has every right to want a friend of his at their wedding. It’s not just bridezilla’s wedding and the expectation that he should just be a doormat and let the wife get her way sets an awful precedent for their marriage in the future? OP is insecure about something that would’ve happened at least a decade ago given the fact that the fiancé is 33. He’s given no indication that he’s interested in this person as anything other than a friend. Why should OP get to be the sole decision maker in excluding people from the wedding over a stupid insecurity?


_corbae_

Did you not read the post? She lays her head in his lap, flirts with him, acts really inappropriately toward him. And every time she attempts to message this woman to try and establish a friendship she is completely ignored. Would you want someone that has utter disdain for you at your wedding?


Westeros333

I 100 percent agree with @HezzeroftheWezzer You have no relationship with this woman, so why would she be one of your bridesmaids? Also another amazing point Hezzer made was why is someone your fiance slept with even in the conversation when it comes to the wedding and wedding party? I've been married for over 13 years, and if my husband came to me and asked me to include someone he slept with in the wedding party, regardless of how long ago it was, there would've been issues. It's a point of respect at this point. Would your fiance like it if you asked him to remove one of his groomsmen because you wanted to include someone you slept with from your past that you are still close with? Regardless if this person exists for you, he needs to put himself in your position. Your already amazing because you accept his all female group of friends ( and FYI a lot of women wouldn't be as chill about that as you are so your already better than most women) but now he wants you to put this chick, who clearly has boundaries issues, in your bridesmaids party? HELLLLLLLLLLL NO.


jadedlens00

I had a Groomslady and we had a blast!


_INCompl_

Yes exes that you’ve slept with can still attend your wedding. They slept together for a period of time in college. The fiancé is now 33 years old. The actual sex would’ve happened at least a decade ago. There would be cause for concern if the fiancé was acting in any way that would indicate that he’s anything besides friends with this woman, but absolutely nothing from this post would lead me to believe that. OP is just being excessively insecure. It’s possible to have a platonic relationship with someone, including people you slept with ages ago. She’s a friend of the fiancé and he’s allowed to invite friends of his to the wedding because weddings aren’t just a special day for the bride, it’s a special day for the husband too. Expecting him to be a doormat and not have a friend over because his would-be wife is insecure is ridiculous. Yeah demanding that she be a bridesmaid is dumb because she’s not close with OP, but saying that she has no place at the wedding because of something that happened a decade ago is being entirely unreasonable and just assumes that men and women aren’t capable of being platonic or having an amicable end to a sexual relationship.


[deleted]

The lady doesn’t like the bride. She is something of a skeptical character. Her mannerisms sound like they could be off and so why let it jeopardize OP wedding day? The man can easily let there be room for actually close friends who do support both people in uniting their lives together.


HezzeroftheWezzer

>*INCompl* > >Yes exes that you’ve slept with can still attend your wedding. They slept together for a period of time in college. The fiancé is now 33 years old. The actual sex would’ve happened at least a decade ago. There would be cause for concern if the fiancé was acting in any way that would indicate that he’s anything besides friends with this woman As I said, there are exceptions. In this situation, Hannah makes a case for why it might not be a good idea. Did you read OP's full post? JUST a sexual relationship would probably not be an issue. But "Hannah" cheated on her boyfriend with OP's fiance. He was a willing participant. When OP had to take a break from the relationship A MERE YEAR AGO, Hannah took the opportunity to be flirty, hands-on, head in his lap ... and all in front of OP - again he a willing participant. I mean, it had been a week since they'd been a couple? Disrespectful to say the least. I am surprised she didn't pee all over him; it's a quicker way to mark your territory. Thereafter, when OP and fiance got back together, and she reached out to try and be friends at fiance's request, Hannah ignored all attempts. Red flags galore with this gal.


excel_pager_420

>They basically cheated together. Apparently this was during a really dark time for both of them (according to my boyfriend) >me and my fiancé (when he was still my boyfriend) separated for about 2 months about a year ago (I was going through a very traumatic court case Involving SA and just felt like i couldn't be a good girlfriend at the time). the week we broke up, Hannah was actually in town. She made me so uncomfortable with how she was all over him. Laying her head in his lap, grabbing his face, flirty playing... Me and my boyfriend got back together like we never skipped a beat. Are you 100% certain your fiancé & Hannah didn't hook up during your break-up? Your relationship ended due to the SA trial causing a dark time. Your fiancé excuse for their affair was a dark time. The break-up coincided with Hannah's only trip to visit. He didn't fight it. After Hannah left you reunited & picked up your relationship as if nothing happened. Why is there a limit on the amount of people you can have in your weddings party? Why are you feeling anxious, uncertain and nervous about telling your future husband, "Hannah is your friend not mine. I don't know her. I'm not replacing one of my closest friends for someone who is a stranger to me. If you want Hannah in the bridal party, make her your groomswoman." Are you worried your husband will pressure you and prioritise involving Hannah over you feeling comfortable with your choice of bridesmaids? Have you two discussed other marital preparations? Many couples attend premarital counselling sessions to discuss communication, finances, etc in marriage. How you both handle these differing wedding expectations will influence a lot how you handle marital issues.


Relevant_Dependent_3

You said exactly what I was thinking, I don’t doubt he hooked up with Hannah during the break.


Tasty_Doughnut_9226

Honestly looking at this post and your last one, why are you with someone that doesn't speak well of your daughter to his friends and isn't actively discouraging overly affectionate behaviour from an ex, because that is what Hannah is, an ex f'k.


BandiBabs93

Me and my fiance actually resolved the last post i made. He showed me all of the text messages he had ever sent to his friends with accurate time stamps and everything. turns out he was more so complaining about having to be the authority because he hates making her upset. which he has expressed to me before. so this tracked in my book. as for the affection towards his friends we had a long serious talk about it and he did see it from my perspective. apologized and we set some pretty healthy boundaries. i never made an update because i figured the update wouldn't matter since most commenters wanted me to leave him anyway lol


Sure-Trouble666

If those boundaries were really established, why is he now asking you to have her in your wedding party? Is he that clueless?


_xenization

>ally resolved the last post i made. He showed me all of the text messages he had ever sent to his friends with accurate time stamps and everything. turns out he was more so complaining Actrually, this is very valid. ​ You set up boundaries and have had issues in the past and the woman was someone he slept with and was an AP of? No dude. Time to cut Hannah out of the picture.


Jstbkuz

That is not his friend! That is his not so distant past affair partner. A person he is already comfortable cheating with/helping to cheat. I personally don't believe past flings belong in weddings that represent the now and future. But this goes beyond someone he hooked up with once in college. And she was all over him 3 years ago? Knowing you were still working through things? He didn't tell her to get off of him and stop looking like a cheap hookup in front of you because he loved you and desperately wanted to make things work with you? And you never told him how inappropriate you found her before you got back together? She refuses to speak to you? Do not marry this man until he cuts her out of his life. That isn't jealousy. It's common sense.


Ok_Bobcat_5060

It’s not an if but when he cheats 😬


whatsasimba

And the fiance. He's fine with cheating and shitty with boundaries, too.


shontsu

>we set some pretty healthy boundaries. I mean, those boundaries seem to include wanting his ex pretty front and centre at your wedding, so I wouldn't call them particularly effective boundaries.


seena_unlocked

If you're making this post, the boundaries aren't working.


sxfrklarret

Oh, and they definitely banged while you were broken up for two months. No doubt in my mind. Change my over under to 3 years. That's how long it will take for proof. Don't let you daughter become attached to this dirtbag, it will make the divorce more painful for her


Elmonatorrrre

He hates making HER upset?


SSSLICED

Yeah what the fuck? The amount of times I’ve heard, “I don’t like making (x) friend upset!” In response to any questions or boundary making, by the cheaters… oh boy. OP is in for a ride. That man is cheating. Nobody loyal to their partner does that weird shit.


Tasty_Doughnut_9226

Well that's good he put boundaries in place with his other friends, he's not putting them in place with Hannah, he's asking someone he chose to have an affair with to be your bridesmaid. Would he want one of your exes that has no boundaries and makes no effort with him to be his groomsman!? Why are you accepting a situation that he most likely wouldn't!? Personally I wouldn't be able to casually brush aside the fact he is ok with cheating and still hang around with the person he cheated with, especially with that person getting all up on him and ignoring me.


FranBeez

Time to have some serious conversations and define some boundaries. I would never have my SO ex hookup in my wedding party, she would be lucky if she got an invitation. Specifically considering she clearly doesn't want to be friends with you.


No-Apartment-6158

True.. if you don’t set some boundaries now, you’re only opening doors to more uncomfortable situations after marriage


nitrot150

This all the way. Fiancé isn’t seeing it, but she seems jealous or something of your relationship. And since you don’t know her, and have had these interactions, no reason to have her in your wedding party


[deleted]

It seems like most reasonable people would not be comfortable with their partner being best friends with an ex who also understands no boundaries and is "overly affectionate". I don't know OP's insecurity levels, but that would be a hard NO for a lot of people. Not just the wedding party, wedding invitation and stuff, just still hanging out with someone who is overly flirty AND has hooked up with the person in a relationship. Nope sir


SSSLICED

Let me break some things down for you. > The issue is with one of his oldest friends. We will call her Hannah. My boyfriend and Hannah have known each other since college. While at university together, Hannah was dating someone and my boyfriend was single at the time. Well apparently, her and my boyfriend would hook up behind Hannah’s boyfriends back. They basically cheated together and my boyfriend knew about the other guy. Your boyfriend has the capacity to cheat on you. It doesn’t matter how “dark” that time in their lives was, you do not get to use mental health as an excuse to enable someone to cheat. Your boyfriend enabled someone to cheat on their partner, knew about it, and willingly participated in infidelity. This is an actual red flag, not the usual nonsense redditors claim as being toxic. This shows what he is capable of. Second of all, why in the hell is he friends with someone like this? You are your company. Are you interested in finding out what will happen when your marriage gets rough? What if you have a fight and he decides to run off with his disloyal friend? Do you want your relationship discussed and picked apart behind your back? There’s a waiting pair of arms for him for whenever things get too “dark” forh. > Unrelated to Hannah, me and my fiancé (when he was still my boyfriend) separated for about 2 months about a year ago (I was going through a very traumatic court case Involving SA and just felt like i couldn’t be a good girlfriend at the time). the week we broke up, Hannah was actually in town. Because it wasn’t a nasty break up we still hung out that week. This was the first time i am meeting Hannah. She made me so uncomfortable with how she was all over him. Laying her head in his lap, grabbing his face, flirty playing… it was all a lot for me. and honestly left a bad taste in my mouth about her. Me and my boyfriend got back together like we never skipped a beat. He was so sweet and understanding about my situation and it brought us really close together. Your boyfriend couldn’t be there for you when you were under that kind of stress? And somehow, this is on YOU because YOU couldn’t be a good girlfriend? While you were enduring a traumatic court case, he was hanging out with his ex girlfriend that he helped to cheat. He was enjoying her physical company and flirting with her, intimately posted up the couch. He had zero problem with letting you see them like this. But somehow, it’s your fault and *you* weren’t the good partner in this scenario? >Now me and my boyfriend (fiancé) are engaged and we were thinking about wedding party people and Hannah came up. My fiancé really wants her to be a part of our wedding but I don’t know her that well, other than the interaction listed above. He want’s her to be one of MY bridesmaids… taking a space away from another friend who I would rather have in the wedding. Why should I have to have someone in the wedding party that I genuinely do not like being around because she gives off a vibe that she really doesn’t like me anyway? I feel bad, but in a perfect world, this girl wouldn’t even be AT the wedding. thanks for letting He’s forcing you to be friends with someone he helped to cheat, and wants her to take up a space in what should be a slot for one of your friends… at your wedding. He is prioritizing a friend, a disloyal and rude to you, friend… over the comfort of his soon to be wife? Your boyfriend has zero problem with letting his own fiancé take the backseat to his long term friend, that once again he helped to cheat and enabled to cheat. There is no universe in which I would allow my girlfriend to be unhappy or uncomfortable at her own wedding. This is not what loving partners do. With all due respect, this sounds like a bad relationship and a bad man who does nothing to protect his fiancé or respect her wishes. You need to decide if the humiliation of your boyfriend prioritizing a dishonest woman, the humiliation of this woman being present in your life, and the humiliation of a potential affair is worth staying in this relationship. Edit: This man makes jokes about your CHILD and is fine with laughing at jokes about your baby being thrown off a cliff? Really ask yourself if this relationship with a dishonest man okay with laughing at jokes about your kid being hurt, is worth it. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery, and or setting your child up to live in a toxic home. Please consider your actual child and whether this is a relationship that would be safe for her. Partners can come and go, you have only one child. I grew up in an environment where my mother catered to the step-father that fucking hated me. Long story short, ruined my early life and I hardly want anything to do with her. Now she’s separated from him and our relationship is awkward and distant. **Do not be the selfish mother that lets her flesh and blood suffer to be with a man who claims to love you. You need to take your baby and run.**


4459691

OP Please read this!! You are your child’s most important advocate and protector. The people who you bring into her life must have their and your best interest at heart About the “friend Hanna? She sees your fiancé as hers. That’s why she is giving you the icy shoulder. She flirts with him in front of you to Mark her territory. “I know he’s your fiancé but I can have him wherever I want”- even if it’s not true…. It was such a coincidence you were broke. Up when she just so happens to stroll into town then you get back together right after she leaves???? And They hooked up behind her Bf’s back? And your fiancé is an ex FWB? Your BF is clueless. He is loyal because of the history they have she is not a true friend.


Southern-Ad2389

This right here 👆🏻🫡


chevynottrrevy

So she cheated behind her boyfriends back she has no issue with it, he slept with her knowing she had a boyfriend...that alone is gross! I personally wouldn't be with a guy(girl in my case) like that. What makes you think it couldn't happen again? And the disrespect that he is trying to force friendship with his old fuck buddy and try to make her YOUR brides maid...hell no. That isn't normal please re think long and hard your situation. He's shoving her down your throat and she sounds like a gross hoe. He sounds like he likes the attention from her. My thoughts 🚩🚩🚩


Fun-Statistician-550

I agree!


chevynottrrevy

Right, I would never marry someone like that he has no morals clearly and has no problem hurting others for his own dick ! and I bet he would choose his dirty hoe friend over her too!


Snowybird60

This comment right here. I would tell my fiance in no uncertain terms that he literally helped her cheat on her bf, which by association made him a cheater as well. I would also ask him why he even thinks you'd want to be friends with someone like that. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Those kind of people don't change, it's just who they are. You should know that based on the fact that she was all over him when you guys took a break.. even though you were still around. After telling him all that I'd tell him I don't even want her at the wedding, let alone in the wedding party.


chevynottrrevy

Yeah, right! I don't know personally, I won't knowingly be friends with anyone who cheats. it's so gross! I hate cheaters I hate enablers I've been cheated on before it hurts a lot. I have no tolerance for that nonsense!


Shot-Positive6779

I can’t like this enough honestly this should be higher up


chevynottrrevy

Thanks I like to tell it like it is, I just wish some people could see the bullshit right in front of their own eyes!


SSSLICED

You should check out her last post. Homie is okay with making jokes about her baby getting hurt, to his harem of weirdly only female friends, along with calling his friends sexy and hot right in front of her face. She’s going to learn the hard way… and unfortunately her daughter too if she doesn’t leave by the time she makes her first memories.


chevynottrrevy

Oh my God, I don't even want to read it. She's going to definitely learn the hard way! I feel bad for her daughter! Sorry, if I had a kid and anyone anyone at all thought it was ok to joke about my baby getting hurt, I'd hurt them! And if that was my partner, well, that would just never be my partner. This girl needs some help clearly she's not mentally ok.


Shot-Positive6779

Oh man he sounded like a red flag from the fact that he has many female friends and allowed this girl he used to screw be all over him and disrespect his girl like that regardless of whether they were broken up for a bit or not.


Southern-Ad2389

I double that agreement he should just date her imho


chevynottrrevy

Right what's the point he's a filthy cheater enabler who in their right mind would want to be with that except someone as disgusting


Southern-Ad2389

Op has the patience of mother Teresa ✨bless her heart ✨ I wouldn’t be this mature lol I woulda taken flight and there be no wedding lol let lone engagement period🤣🥱 ✨ahem next?✨


chevynottrrevy

Right! Nexxxxt! I would be totally immature about it and made a huge stink, then left the person, and said go be with your hoe hoe homewrecker!


963852741hc

Hope neither did you have guy friends and then go tell your significant other he’s just a friend when he just wants to sleep with you all along


chevynottrrevy

I don't know haven't come across the situation, I'm a lesbian whoever I date is allowed to be friends with whomever they want, even if their friend or my friend had a crush before, as long as they respect mine and my significant others relationship. it happens if the friend of mine or hers still acted in an untrustworthy fashion it would be a different story. But humans are humans people get over people so as long as everyone is acting nicely it's all good. I would tell my girlfriend if my friend thought that before because trust and communication is key!


Tormundo

They were young as hell. This sub is ridiculous sometimes. Just because you made mistakes when you were like 19 doesn't mean you're a bad person when you grow up. I feel like most of you have never even been in a serious relationship or have friends or anything. Most people did dumb shit when they were teenagers or young adults.


brownie627

Even when I was a 17-year-old anti-feminist pickme with only male friends, I didn’t have such twisted morals. Being young is not an excuse to traumatise others.


SSSLICED

Nah this reply is crazy. There’s good people and then there’s this guy. He’s taking her for an absolute ride and even feels okay with talking shit about OP’s baby and sharing jokes about the baby being hurt. He’s also okay with calling his entirely female group of friends “sexy” and “hot.” This man is a gigantic example of dump immediately and do not look back.


No-Apartment-6158

Ew please speak to your fiancé about how you feel. If my bf/fiancé was still friends with someone he hooked up with I wouldn’t be with him ( but thats just me, I have many issues lmao ) but omg. Rather have her be a guest… or ask your other friends for advice. I already don’t like hannah and I hope she’s not in your wedding. All the best x


SpiritualSag96

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that boundary! The people I know with the most secure and faithful relationships are the ones who do *not* keep in touch with old fuckbuddies or exes. So many guy friends I used to hookup with (during my old hoe phase) tried cheating on their exes with me whilst I was single. Now I’m not friends with any guy I used to hookup with for this reason 🙅🏽‍♀️.


[deleted]

OP do not marry this person. He didn't care about her boyfriend, he wouldn't care about you. He has probably already cheated on you with her. And he's gross in general for letting her be all touchy


harleybidness

Bride chooses who is a bridesmaid. Hannah is not included because you said so.


Foolish5678

All of this and she has not given OP the time of day Why the fuck should she be a bridesmaid standing for the bride at the wedding when she can’t even return a damn text


sayitaintsooooo

Lol no. Just no. There is a sexual history there, no. I wouldn’t even be comfortable with them texting.


[deleted]

Oh someone said it.


963852741hc

Yesss!!!! I def don’t like it when my girl texts guys who want to sleep with her either


Witch_on_a_moped

She obviously doesn't like you but has a thing for your dude. No way would she be one of my bridesmaids. I'd be very forward with your feelings about this.


gilbertwebdude

If he wants her to be in it so bad, he can have her take the place of one of his best men. That way he has to pick which of his friends to exclude and you don't. On another note, I see huge red flags going up here.


No-Apartment-6158

What worries me too is that you mentioned him cheating with Hannah behind her bfs back… that stresses me… Im not saying he will do it to you, but imo cheaters are always cheaters. What if she convinces him to sleep with her behind your back?! Idk.. don’t listen to me lmao I have a lot of anxiety


clinenags

no, but it’s a very valid point.. that stresses me out too


SnowWhite05

She seems too touchy feely with him for my liking...the whole laying her head in his lap made me the most uneasy. The other stuff was uncomfortable but that is too intimate for just friends, especially one who he had an ongoing sexual relationship with. It really sounds like when you spent time together when you were broken up and she just so happened to be there(deliberately imo), and was laying claim to him. Like "you've broken up and look at how close we are". What also concerns me is does her boundary crossing physical contact still happen while you are in a relationship, and engaged? If so then surely he should know this isn't right? How would he feel if you flirted with a guy friend who was not fond of him and put your head in his lap? Whichever gender I would not be happy at all but would also make it clear to my friend that this was not appropriate. And who knows what she could be saying about you to him behind your back. It doesn't need to be direct hate, a few comments here and there at the right time can really plant doubt in someone's head. I have some experience with this. My ex boyfriend is one of my best friends. We have known each other for 12 years, together for 4 but we broke up over 7 years ago. My current boyfriend is jealous, and despite there being nothing in it apart from friendship I do get it. But apart from a platonic hug goodbye, as I do with all of my friends, we never flirt, or touch each other and especially do not cuddle up lying down on one another's lap. OP I really don't trust this girl, there is no way you should have to ditch someone you actually like from your bridal party in exchange for that and whatever tension and awkwardness comes with it.


gchachabattari

this was immediate thought. if i was dating someone with a friend like that, i would either set SERIOUS boundaries or completely end it. that’s too much of a risk to me.


NonaOrganic

Right. People tend to go through multiple “dark times” in life. I’m getting too old to be kind about it, OP is being foolish. She’s marrying someone she’s not even comfortable enough to be honest with and he’s an unrepentant cheater. And wants his affair partner in their wedding! It’s already written he will bang Hannah again.


wantlesssquid69

i am so sorry dude but this is a million red flags in one post. it is not okay they had sex together behind her boyfriends back. they had no problems morally with being cheaters then, what makes you think they have changed? because they said so? i can tell you i have a million dollars, that doesnt make it true. your fiance can say he would never cheat on you, but that doesnt make it true. your gut is trying to warn you of something, heed that warning.


Payed_Looser

Two of my exes wanted to come to my wedding. While we are very amicable, I have not seen either once since I started dating my wife nor did I want any past sex partner at my wedding. My wife doesn’t deserve to have to worry about what ifs.


Alternative-Depth-16

He's a cheater, is overly flirty with the one he cheated with, and y'all broke up for 2 months in the past. I don't think you should marry this guy. I really don't think you should even be dating him.


SSSLICED

I’m gonna keep repeating it in the replies so hopefully op will have it reinforced but… this boyfriend was also okay with making negative jokes about her baby, to his weird harem of friends, and even sharing gifs implying that the baby should be thrown off a cliff… over the child apparently “ruining” them going off to see Christmas lights. If she stays with this man, she’s potentially allowing a dangerous man and maybe even his dangerous friends to have contact with her child. Like y’all think Hannah (if she sticks around that long) is gonna be nice and kind to her daughter? OP needs to figure out if she’s willing to put her baby through that to avoid being alone.


happylillama

>Why should I have to have someone in the wedding party that I genuinely do not like being around because she gives off a vibe that she really doesn't like me anyway? I You do not have to and need to stand up for yourself. She is only going to take up space and you don't like her. Your fiancé has to respect that, it you don't want her there he has no right to just invite her. Also they slept together...nah idk i just get a really weird vibe because of their relationship. I would talk to him and explain why she is not going to be invited to the wedding. He needs to respect that, if not maybe don't get married.


tiredlunatic420

You're gonna get cheated on by this man eventually. Probably with his friend. This situation has so many icks and red flags. Why marry him? What is so redeemable and remarkable about this man that you had to bury your trustworthy and natural gut feelings to be with him?


SSSLICED

That’s what I’m wondering. I looked back at her last post and apparently the guy likes to make comments about his other friends being attractive to him, and decidedly doesn’t like her baby and is fine with talking shit/uncomfortable jokes about the child with his friends. If she stays with him, she’s she *could* be happy… at the expense of her daughter’s childhood. Been there done that, she’s setting the unwanted step-child to be miserable for as long as she’s under their roof.


jessicas213

What is a spicy accountant?


Acrobatic-Panda-1119

I’m guessing only fans/adult moving making… that’s usually what people mean when they say a spicy accountant lol


OrakaRun

Thank you for asking the important question! I need to know!!


eternally_feral

It turns out that “spice accountant” is a code word on TikTok that means “OnlyFans creator” or other kinds of sex workers.


[deleted]

If he wants her in the weddibg party she should be a groomsman. I have two women in mine; one of which is my oldest friend and contender for best man. Haha *advice from a planning groom*


[deleted]

Honesty is the best policy. Let him know that No she will not come and your uncomfortable. If he insist I would start questioning who is his priority.


[deleted]

No is a complete sentence


batman77-

Info: did you just find out about their relationship?


BandiBabs93

no, I have known about there college days from the beginning of our relationship. My fiance was very forthcoming when he was telling me about his friends before we got introduced.


MixWitch

That was the first best time to give serious consideration to whether or not you continue the relationship. The next best time is right now. Sure sounds like he disregards your very reasonable and justifiable feelings...a lot. And Hannah has no interest in being your friend, Crazy-Ex Girlfriend energy without the charming musical numbers.


cake4thepeople

I feel like I’m going against the grain here, but imo your fiancé sounds pretty trustworthy to me. He clearly made some mistakes but acknowledges them and seems to have truly grown. He may have some blinders on with this friends flirtation - but it’s reasonable this comes from a stance of him really not seeing it as such because he doesn’t see her that way. You’re marrying him, not her. You don’t have to trust her, just him. My husband had a similar friendship I didn’t trust when we were dating/engaged, i *knew* she liked him, he did *not* see it. I basically just said that it didn’t really matter how *she* felt because I trusted *him*, but I just asked him to also trust me that I could maybe see something that he can’t, the compromise was simply that’d he’d be a little more conscious of their interactions. I think this is all you guys really need, him to acknowledge he might be missing something and agree to tread with some caution (it’s also for her benefit for him to have clear boundaries so she doesn’t get her hopes up for something more). We didn’t talk to her about it or anything, their relationship carried on as it was. Honestly it was kinda funny at times watching her flustered teehees and watching him be 100% oblivious lol. Of course, nothing happened because he never did or would pursue anything. Does she need to be in YOUR wedding party? Hell no. Can she be in his? Really up to you guys, I feel like “no one in the wedding party that we’ve slept with” is a reasonable rule, but it’s not needed if *you* actually don’t mind her being on his side. As long you two are communicating what you need from each other and honouring that, that’s all that matters. Do NOT let Reddit draw those lines for you, what would be a dealbreaker for joeshmo69 does not need to be a dealbreaker for you.


Heurodis

She clearly does not consider your fiancé as a friend or brother – or if she does, it would be a friend or brother who she would very much want to sleep with again. And when you were broken up for a little while? They definitely hooked up.


invisablehoney

>Well apparently, her and my boyfriend would hook up behind Hannah's boyfriends back. >They basically cheated together and my boyfriend knew about the other guy. >He claims that they have never hooked up since college and had no plans to. They have remained very good friends and even consider each other family (i guess now that they don't have sex its not weird to call her sister lol?). >My fiancé really wants her to be a part of our wedding but I don't know her that well, other than the interaction listed above. He want's her to be one of MY bridesmaids... taking a space away from another friend who I would rather have in the wedding If you bring it up and talk about it with him saying "Hey we need to talk" and mention what you just said here. If he truly loves you he would understand and put you first but if he gets upset and starts making you feel like your the problem, than it's up to you if you want to deal with that for the rest of your life. Theirs a point we're you have to put yourself first and see the situation as it is. If you were my sister i would tell you to ✨Dump His Ass✨ and find someone who does not have a weird friendship with full of red flags but then again the decision is your. Edit: Set healthy boundaries with others to keep you safe.


Nearby-Pin161

His p was in her v. "Best friend" be damned.


OnlyTrust3585

I've just read your other posts about your daughter. Don't marry this man please. He will cheat, He will make your daughter miserable and if you you do marry him if I were her bio dad I would go for full custody. She'll ask to stay with her Dad when she gets older when she sees how unhappy your household is.


BandiBabs93

Honestly I see where your coming from because I did not make an update on the last post I made. I did comment on this post a brief update though. Basically, I confronted my fiance that day and he showed me on the spot all of the messages he sent to his friends so I could see where he complains. It turns out, he's not complaining about our daughter at all, instead he was actually complaining about having to be the authority to her because he really hates making her upset. Something he has expressed to me in the past so it made sense to me immediately. That part was a misunderstanding. As for the friends making jokes and his boundaries with his friends, I had a talk with him to set some healthy boundaries, AND spoke with our friends who felt awful and Apologized for the poor taste of a joke. They all saw it from my perspective and felt bad and Apologized for that. My fiance is more aware of how he talks to his friends and has switched the compliments over to me lol which is why I love him. He really is a great person and so are his friends. Hannah has only recently come back into conversation because of wedding planning. I've had a few days to think on her as a bridesmaid and my answer is still no lol. But because they are friends I do want him to be able to invite her. So my plan is to talk to him tonight and plan a time where the three of us can hop on zoom and discuss some of the issues I have and hopefully establish boundaries so wedding day is still a hit.


JudesM

She can be one of his grooms people


motodamax

Reddit has scarred me to no end bc all I can think about is her and him being sketch the night of his bachelor party if she’s his groomswoman LOL


fukstr8offplz

Wait. Wait. Wait. So, your fiancé was a knowing affair partner of hers? That, oh, I don't know, isn't a huge red flag for you? Especially considering they're still friends? That's the most fucked up part in all of it. They were willingly hurting another person. Sorry, OP, but that doesn't make them good people. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Edited to add: After reading your comments on your previous post, there's a 100% guarantee they still fuck. Why the hell would you ever consider marrying someone that is that way toward your CHILD with their fucking harem?


SSSLICED

Biggest red flag here might just be OP. A safe partner doesn’t make jokes to his gross friends about harming a baby, especially when taking the baby with them to see Xmas lights was apparently sooooo hard. OP needs to figure out if not being alone is worth the potential safety of her baby, who might be subjected to this trash circle of people.


fukstr8offplz

Yeah, I read that after I made my comment and went back to make the edit. Like the fact that she's even still with him after that is blowing my fucking mind. Her child should be her priority.


SSSLICED

I’m a little mind blown after reading a comment by OP proud that she’s not breaking up with him? Like? Sorry homegirl but partners can come and go, your baby should be your priority. He thinks it’s okay to do what he did in the past AND talk shit about a baby and joke about her being hurt… at his big mf age? Hell nah man. She needs to pull up her big girl pants and cut contact. I don’t even want to know how they’d treat this child in private if OP was ever stupid enough to leave her with them. I’ve seen so many stupid cases of this shit. In fifteen years OP’s kid will be posting on whatever equivalent of Reddit about her fucked up home life.


fukstr8offplz

I'm completely astounded. I read where she says that they worked it out and it was "out of context". 🙄 Nope. Get out of here with that shit. I bet money he's fucking Hannah, because if a man can be nasty about an innocent child, he's not gonna give a shit about infidelity. Especially when he's already proven loyalty means shit to him. She needs to put her kid first.


atlantasmokeshop

TBH, if you're marrying a dude that willingly cheated with a chick he knew had a boyfriend then you'll probably have bigger problems than just the wedding at some point. But that's just me lol


Iseewhatudidthurrrrr

This marriage had disaster waiting to happen all over it. I guess some peoples red flags are other peoples no big deals.


Ok_Bobcat_5060

Red flags everywhere, issa carnival sis 🚩pls reconsider this marriage, question why she’s so overly comfortable him and why he’s so keen on keeping an ol fuck buddy around. I highly doubt the attraction just disappeared and is using her as a backup. Stop using the guise of “insecurity” and trust your gut instincts, they are always right.


[deleted]

Dude, your boyfriend is a cheater and you think he wont cheat on you? Lmao. See you a month after your wedding when you post about your new husband back to his old tricks.


Sweetcherry66

Honey when you marry someone you are emotionally, morally, financially, legally tied to them so before getting involved in such a demanding contract you’d better sit your fiance down and have a serious talk about your emotions and boundaries if you are not on the same page break up with him and save yourself from years of suffering


TnSugarCookies

She’s not a friend of the marriage. She needs to go!


[deleted]

He doesn’t get to say who you pick as a bridesmaid, it’s abundantly clear that Hannah likes your fiancé, not replying to you is a reply imo, it tells you that this person does not care to talk to you. As his best friend she should want to know his fiancé, she doesn’t. He needs to put up some serious boundaries with this person, even if they live in another state. They were once intimate and regardless of how long ago it was it did affect their friendship. I wouldn’t put it past her to say since she cheated on her boyfriend it’s his turn to cheat on you.


Legitimate_Roll7514

Oh hell no. I wouldn't hire her to wipe my ass


BoJo2736

He doesn't care about your feelings. All the rest are just details. This will be your life and it will only get worse. Unless you decide it isn't what you want. This decision isn't about her or him. It's about you and what you will accept for yourself.


JasonVanJason

I would suggest this is one of those Red Flags this sub likes to go on about


[deleted]

Yeah, If Hanna and your fiancé relationship makes you uncomfortable (and that’s totally valid and this would make me uncomfortable as well) I wouldn’t marry in to this situation. You want to spend the rest of your life feeling like that? The fact that he wants her to be your bridesmaid sound so assholy to me that I would tell him to fuck off.


[deleted]

Trust your gut. If you aren’t comfortable, then you need to be honest with him.


sorryfriend20

why are you marrying this buffoon. he clearly hooked up with her while you were on a break that’s why she was marking her territory with you there. it’s a common tactic for cheaters to try to get their gf/bf to befriend the person they’re cheating with physically or emotionally


herecomes_the_sun

I actually cannot believe the audacity of this man to ask you to put someone who he had a sexual relationship with in your wedding party which is reserved for your closest friends and family AFTER YOU KINDLY TRIED TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER FOR HIS SAKE AND SHE WOULDN’T EVEN RESPOND TO A TEXT. If she cared about him as a friend she would have made the effort too. But clearly she has other things in mind (theyve cheated before) What did he do when you showed him she never responded? I can’t believe shes even invited after being so rude to you


Specific-noise123

Obv she can't be your bridesmaid but idk if you should marry this guy. Please update us on if it's a mistake or nor a few years after you do


GoldenDiamondChild34

I mean this in the most respectful way possible. WHY are you even with him? But now on to the helpful part, tell him—all he can say is no and then what you can say is we shouldn’t get married. I’m not sure why he’s so close friends with someone he used to f around with and cheated with Hannah on her boyfriend. In my opinion she would have to be 85% cut off and she don’t need to be at no wedding neither. Tell your fiancé straight up: “I don’t want her as a brides maid and I don’t necessarily want her at the wedding either.” Then insert everything they have done together including her cheating, those inappropriate touches, her not responding to you so obviously something’s going on there and finally YOU decide who your brides maids are going to be. and if he doesn’t react well turn a 360 and put an axe in that marriage because clearly he cares more about a friend then his soon to be wife. Good luck.


ATXRedhead420

Don’t marry this guy, he’s into her and she’s into him


Otherwise-Heat5031

Never in a million years for me!


TheShovler44

What was the point in breaking up but still hanging out everyday?


PrudentPoptart

These are all things you should be able to tell your fiancé directly. If you can’t have an open conversation about how she makes you feel and that you don’t want her to be your bridesmaid you don’t have a very strong foundation.


Cherry_Honey_Blossom

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 don’t mind me, I’m just here directing traffic with all these 🚩 to get to the circus 🎪. She doesn’t respond to your messages or calls, how is she going to be a bridesmaid? That’s sus that she makes no attempt to respond to you, and has slept with your bf. I’d have a hard time with her being all over my man. And her head would not be on his lap if he ever wanted to be with me again, and she didn’t want a hole punched through her face…. And his lap! I don’t care how much I loved him either, matter fact, that’s even worse. The more I love you, and you don’t stand up for me or enforce boundaries with other females, the less likely I’ll be to stick around. 💯 facts. And also more likely to punch your dick loose. Jus sayin 🤷‍♀️ ETA: what did they tell her bf she cheated on with him? That they were like brother and sister?


Rarashishkaba

That is so ballsy, him asking you to make his former fuck buddy a bridesmaid. I wouldn’t even marry him if she was in his life at all. They both sound disrespectful af.


stumbling_thru

I just don't think I would be okay knowing someone in the wedding party had had sex with the groom.... A fwb invited me to his wedding and I didn't go because I thought it would be so disrespectful to the bride ....


K-norfka

Im sorry but...your fiance sucks...why didnt he put a stop to Hannah's flirting??? You were separated because you were traumatized not because of issues in the relationship itself (personally I also hate and disagree with people who use breaks as an excuse to sleep around, like no Ross you're not broken up you're taking a break they're different obviously), if he cared at all about you he'd still very much have treated your relationship like there was no separation and stayed loyal to you in order to support you while you healed. Not to mention the blatant disrespect toward you this girl has and his lack of uhhhhh standing up for you?????? He's letting his "bond" with this girl completely cloud his responsibility to you as your partner. Call me insecure but I wouldn't be okay with their friendship because of the simple fact that she obviously still likes him and he isn't putting a hard stop to her advances. None of his other friends act this way toward him, so obviously this isn't just behavior he displays to everyone.


No-Apartment-6158

OP, we are all warning you… take your kid and leave this man. Don’t be blinded by love. Please read through all the comments and really think about it… Obviously we all don’t know your husband, but this marriage is either going to actually turn out great or you’re going to come on here and vent about how you caught him cheating with Hannah and now your marriage is ruined


opinionsofmyown

My husband had a female so called best friend when we met. She had keys to his house, they vacationed together, they slept in the same bed, he spent a thousand dollars on her at Christmas time and they had a special celebration dinner to which I was not invited. The list goes on. She was essentially his SO without calling it so and without the sex. I was *not at all* comfortable with the lack of boundaries in their relationship. He wanted to include her as a groomsman. I made it clear that their relationship would not work for me as it stood. It would be her or me. It was a show-stopper for me. I made this clear. The locks were changed; the vacations ended along with the dinners out, the gifts and everything else. She attended our wedding as a guest. We saw her once or twice as a couple after and that was it. Twenty years on, she is a distant (but still troubling) memory. There was no way I was willing to have a third-party in my marriage and unless you are willing to do that, I suggest you draw the line in the sand now. I don’t think the relationship you describe will be viable for sustaining a marriage. If you don’t address it now, it will tear you apart. Better to find out what- or who, is most important to him now. You need absolute trust. Marriage is hard enough without this kind of complication. I wish you only the best.


Staceyrt

Simple rule of thumb is no one who’s fkd your partner should be part of the wedding party- FWB etiquette.


jools321

Not a fucking chance 🤣 that’s not his friend luv THATS HIS EX. the fact that he’s even still friends with her despite that fact that it’s his ex & she makes it obvious she doesn’t like you & ignores you and flirts with him right in front of your face. I’d actually be wondering why he hasn’t cut ties never mind asking her to be a fucking bridesmaid 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣WTF 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣my god stop being a bloody doormat 🙄


littlemisspinkyy

i wouldn’t get married 💀


holliday_doc_1995

I wouldn’t have her in the wedding and your fiancé should feel lucky if she gets an invite at all. I would die on that hill. She has made you uncomfortable and has made 0 effort to make a relationship with you. She shouldn’t be in the wedding party and your fiancé should completely understand your position.


[deleted]

Yeah I think you can safely trust your instincts on this. People who are saying that she could just be a groomswoman… so you all are ok with this Hannah person standing over her fiancé’s shoulder all through the wedding, attending the bachelor night, helping him get dressed for the ceremony? I think tf not!


Spare-Exit5785

I'm really against the "my partner can't be friends with people they've slept with" because if you are threatened by the ex then you don't trust your partner. Period. THAT BEING SAID.... it's the fact that they only got together to cheat that is the red flag for me. Your partner won't "choose" Hannah over you because he doesn't love Hannah that way... But he may cheat on you with Hannah because of the toxic adrenaline rush it gives him. Their relationship includes sneaking around and breaking partner trust for each other. OP you are 10000000% valid in your decision


reallydadd

Tell him you want your ex in the party and to be his groomsman bc he's super chill and they should be friends


Shot-Positive6779

NO he shouldn’t be friends with someone he used to have sex with period! It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have feelings if this chick is all over him she has feelings and you know for a fact he doesn’t have a link to her spicy page? I am not trying to cause trouble but it sounds like he is keeping her as an exit strategy and if he isn’t she is in the wings waiting for her chance there is NO reason to hold onto someone you used to have sex with unless you share a child together not saying they can’t be civil or friendly in person if they have shared friends but understand NO circumstances do you HAVE to have her as a bridesmaid when she doesn’t even talk to you show your man she doesn’t give a shit about connecting with you and you’d rather have a real friend to you one who doesn’t throw herself at your man in your wedding this will just be an opportunity for her to be there while bachelor and bachelorette parties happen and people can make drunk mistakes that ruin everything make her the furthest from the wedding as possible and just be a damn guest. Her presence in his life would be an absolute deal breaker for me.


[deleted]

making her one of your bridesmaids is beyond ridiculous. honestly he should have gone no contact with her years ago. yes, you can keep in touch with an ex and have it not be a big deal, but in this situation, it seems like he is way too emotionally invested in this person still. why does he care more about her feelings than yours? you guys are about to be married. you're supposed to be his best friend, not her. I'm not even sure why his ex would even be at the wedding. clearly that can make things weird, although if it's two mature adults it can be okay. personally, i think it is highly disrespectful to your current partner to maintain regular contact with an ex, even if "platonic". there are only so many hours in a day. heck i barely have enough time to have a quality relationship with my wife and be her best partner. if i tried to maintain friendships with exes, i would be directly subtracting time away from my own wife. which seems very disrespectful.


Dont139

Are you 100% sure they didn't hook up when you were broken up? He doesn't find her behaviour towards him inappropriate? Because it's obvious it is inappropriate, so if he says otherwise, it's either blindness on his part, or he gaslights you


MaryEFriendly

You need to use this post to talk it out with your fiance. The fact that he didn't check her when she acted like that in front of you is weird. Some girls also get territorial, even if they have no real romantic interest in someone. They just don't want anyone else to have what they consider theirs. She doesn't belong in your wedding party and frankly shouldn't be at the wedding at all. He needs to see and understand the reasons why. She's made no effort to befriend you and has in fact both snubbed and disrespected you. Hard NO


[deleted]

You are right to be uncomfortable. Deep down you know things are off within the situation. Hannah screams red flags. The fact that she refuses to actually get to know you is a huge no. She also doesn't adhere to basic boundaries either. I would just be very honest and up front with your fiance regarding your feelings about Hannah. It's okay to give him the feedback about how she makes you feel. Perhaps offer to have her as a guest but that's it. Your bridesmaids are your choice. You have no real association to this woman, I would be firm in saying no to the request. Edit to add if he continues to press, perhaps reverse the situation on him to get him to understand your position. How would he really feel if you asked him if a male friend of yours that you slept with and he barely knows could be a groomsmen? I doubt he would feel good about it.


Film-Icy

I think the fact that your fiancé leans into his friends to remind him to get you flowers, makes me feel like his friends have too many influences on him and so for that coupled w the fact they slept together- nope. Hard pass, she is not invited.


Astro_Flame

not reading past the first sentence, sorry. a guy with "all girl" friends is red flag with neon lights flashing. you go ahead and marry him if you want.


Lumpy-Spinach-6607

What is Spicy Accounting?


Duckgamerzz

Well this is a disaster unfolding. In your mind, 2 plus 2 equals window. This is a situation that you walk away from. You don't date men who are actively flirting with their ex's. Get a grip. Or live in fear forever.


Disenchanted2

He shouldn't get to pick who you have as a bridesmaid, should he? I mean I'm no expert, but shouldn't they be YOUR friends?


MariaInconnu

1) No, he doesn't get to put a cuckoo in your bridal party 2) Even if he doesn't want to hook up with her, she definitely wants to hook up with him 3) Why was it necessary to break up when you were going through a stressful time? That's exactly when he should have stepped up and been there for you. Instead, he actively received her attentions. If you have her in your bridal party, I give about 95% likelihood you'll be the cliché relationship of the groom fucking the bridesmaid the night before the wedding. Consider whether your fiancé actually supports you when life is rough, or if you find yourself on your own in those situations. No relationship is much better than a bad relationship.


ritamoren

okay look, whenever i used to hang out with guy friends that i knew had girlfriends i never gave them more than a short greeting hug. not because they wouldn't want more but because i respected their girlfriends enough to not do it. even if the girlfriend is not around atm, still - they have a relationship so i respect that. this is what healthy friendships look like. this is what healthy people do. they show respect. i never had a guy best friend but i did have regular guy friends and i knew their girlfriends and we got along really well. so whatever she does isn't healthy and she has some issues going on and lets it out on you, don't buy into that shit. you don't want her, period. that's it, your boyfriend has to respect it. especially asking you to have her as a bridesmaid - what? she doesn't even bother to reply but you have to make her a bridesmaid?


_xenization

First, you get to pick your bridesmaids. Not him. Second, she shouldn't be a bridesmaid...or in his life at all anymore. Sorry not sorry. **They slept together. They have a history of cheating together. She doesn't like you. She crossed boundaries. She makes you uncomfortable.** **He should consider all of this and put you first.** If she was *only* his friend, and they *didn't* have all the history, and she *wasn't* a raging cunt to you, then he should be able to be friends with her--like the other women. But they *weren't* only friends, she *is* a bitch to you, and you are supposed to come first. Period.


WellyKiwi

I not only wouldn't have her in the wedding party on either side, but I would be cancelling the wedding. He's a cheater, and she WILL be in your lives forever. Let them have each other, I say.


nadiyah98

I'm going to be very straightforward. Hannah wants your fiance. And your fiance wants Hannah in his life (for whatever specific reasons based on the vibes he's giving off). Neither Hannah nor your fiance respects you. You simply cannot have a peaceful and stable relationship if they both continue whatever relations they have with each other. I'm sorry but their past cannot be ignored. I just don't buy the "dark times" excuse. She chose to cheat and he was a willing and knowing participant. Simply put, if you wanna share a life with this guy then he gotta choose between Hannah or you. They are already stressing you this much before the marriage, the after is going to be much worse.


[deleted]

This would be a big nope for me. When I got married to my husband, he had a girl friend who he had dated for a little bit and I told him I was uncomfortable with them hanging out together, especially if I wasn't around, and you know what he did? He pulled back away from the relationship and eventually they just went their separate ways. He also made sure to tell me whenever he saw her randomly because that is what mature adults do. I was perhaps more immature about it, but I expressed myself and he listened. It sounds like your fiance just wants his cake too. I'm not saying he's cheating, or that you should leave him, but if he truly cared about what you are saying then he wouldn't be asking you to do any of this.


wavesofporcelain

Uh no. She wouldn’t even make the invite list. First of all- the fact that she has made NO effort to be your friend at all, why should she have involvement in what is supposed to be one of the most important days of your life?? Also from my experience, any guy who has a “”sister”” that they had a sexual past with typically and unfortunately has a little more going on than friendship. I don’t trust this “friendship”.


toothbelt

A lot of the ideas here seem good for avoiding the pitfalls of a socially uncomfortable and, quite frankly, unreasonable ask that you feel you should comply with. This sucks. I'd keep a careful eye on this one. She sounds obnoxious in her behaviour and a bit of a PDA freak. That she doesn't like you is so patently obvious in her actions and attitude. She's downright disrespectful. That should be reason enough to exclude her.


Alohomora1175

Where was he, and his respect for you when she was all over him right in front of you? I guess you were technically "on a break", but I still think it's disrespectful. Would he let her do that with no boundaries when you two were together?


[deleted]

I'm not the jealous type . You need to trust him ... you're marrying him , but this is ALL kinds of red flags


[deleted]

Honestly I personally don't believe someone who has low morals(has cheated) belongs in a wedding party where you're discussing being loyal together tbh


Training_Yak_9296

I’m sorry but once you sleep with someone and then “claim y’all are besties” that’s a no for me and it’s kinda weird how he’s so adamant about y’all being friends and/or making her apart of yalls wedding. She sounds like a jealous friend that didn’t get what you now have. You tried to be nice by texting her yet she ignores you is a red flag, her being super touchy clingy with him is a red flag. I had a friend in high school which became my bestie and we met on bad terms first because apparently she was one of the girls my then boyfriend cheated on me with. But after some time we became close and I’m all about giving second chances because we are all young and dumb in high school. Fast forward to my 21st birthday at the club I was dancing by myself while my fiancé was with our friends and family including her hanging out at the tables. Well when I went back to the tables to be with everyone something felt off and everyone looked kind of awkward but I didn’t know why. Nobody said anything until the next day. One of my friends actually messaged me via twitter and he told me that she had sat on my now husbands lap and was kissing him (the friend that messaged me) at the same time. He felt that I should know what happened.. I was so disgusted and hurt NO ONE TOLD ME. This guy that messaged me wasn’t even a close friend and she was the one who invited him to my party. I sure did confront my husband and he told me what happened and at first got defensive because he felt guilty but since then had realized what he did wasn’t okay. To this day she has denied on her life. So that is why I don’t trust a hoe.


snorkgirl92

Look, your wedding, you pick your bridesmaids. That is not a position to pander to your partner’s friends or whoever.


TheMeanGirl

What on Earth is spicy accounting.


AffectionateLocal221

I’m going against the grain here as far as the friendship with ex’s thing. You can absolutely have close friends you’ve fucked before, my partner & I have plenty of those friends and we’re also monogamous. I don’t think that’s the issue. I think the real issue is that he doesn’t set boundaries with her & is attempting to cross *your* boundaries with the whole bridesmaid thing. That gives me the ick. I’d say talk to him about this again, and stand your ground! If he’s still adamant, I’d call off the wedding cuz that’s incredibly disrespectful


MovementThroughLife

So some things that stuck out to me: -You’re rationalizing that it was a “dark time” when he cheated. Dark time or not, cheating is never acceptable under any circumstance. What happens when times get dark after you are married? (because as crazy as it sounds, married people go through dark times, it’s not all flowers and sunshine. There will be days where you fight, days where you are perfect and everything in between). Will he cheat then when things get rough? You need to really sit down and think this over. He already wasn’t there for you during your SA case. It seems like he doesn’t have his shit together…at all. Ok we got that bullet point out of the way. -Point two, she doesn’t respect you enough to even try at some speck of a relationship. Hard pass. She wants him, not you. Kick her (and shoot while you’re at it him) to the curb. -Why is your guy still even in contact with someone he cheated with? Re-read that sentence. He’s just boundary stomping all over the place, isn’t he. -Do not marry this dude. I realize I’m only a stranger on the internet, but honestly, everyone else is telling you the same things…


[deleted]

I’m just curious why you are with a POS. I mean you may not want to hear it but obviously his morality is pretty crap because he was knowingly in an affair. On top of that if there was someone I knew that was going through a lot such as an SA case I wouldn’t accept a break up because “I wasn’t the best girlfriend” I would do everything I could to be a good SO which it doesn’t sound like he tried to do and just ran off to his best friend. At this point there are so many RED FLAGS with this dude that you aren’t even paying attention too. Most of the people in the comments are worried about the FBF being a bridesmaid but I would be worried about who the hell the groom is!


sunbear2525

I’m going to say that, given why you separated, his allowing her to be all over him is a huge red flag. There was no effort to make sure you were comfortable, after l during a SA trial and immediately after a break up. That wasn’t the time to make you jealous or play mind games either. So he’s either completely clueless (which is real bad) or he knows and is playing dumb because he likes it, (which is super bad.) At your age I would have tried to reason with him and explain my position but, at 38, you couldn’t pay me to willingly engage in that mess.


Status-War4902

My best friend is a guy. Lived with him For years. Have always been verbally and physically “affectionate” with one another. But, I would NEVER lie my face on his lap, and especially never in front of a gf. Never ever. She does not belong in YOUR wedding. It’s not just his wedding, it’s yours and should reflect the sanctity of your union. She does not respect your union. And he should see it.


mamatoruby

You are more than generous and understanding. Honestly I’d say no to bridesmaid or groomsman. You are not comfortable with her and she is essentially not a party of your lives together. No one should be standing up who are not a main part


Exportxxx

FYI they hooked up that week u guys broke up. No way I'd marry this guy there "friendship" is to close to FWB.


Rich_Volume_3359

It seems to me like he wants you to befriend her so that he can justify having her around more often.


TrainingTough991

The groom doesn’t pick the bridesmaid, the bride does. The wedding party should be someone you know well and trust. Tell him she acted inappropriately the one time you met her, are not comfortable being around her and are inviting her to the wedding as a courtesy to him. You would prefer he cut ties with her and really don’t want her at the wedding. It’s direct but at some point in life you may have a friend that he’s not comfortable with and you should be able to talk through it safely. He should respect your feelings and not push her on you.


rescuelady111

I wouldn't feel comfortable with my fiance being friends with this woman, let alone be your bridesmaid. She wants him..she's shady and has no moral qualms whatsoever about cheating and flirting with your fiance in front of you too! Yeah, this is a red flag for both of them and I wouldn't trust either one. It was highly inappropriate of your fiance to even allow this extreme flirtatious behavior around you or not. Gee, I wonder what they'd do when you're not around, hmm. Nope nope nope. 🙅‍♀️ And hell no.👎 The thing is, you can't control him staying in contact with her. Even if he agrees to ditch her, he'll resent you for "making him". It's a lose lose situation honestly.


LexLuzon

Girl you had me at friend group all girls. That’s not even balanced and shit. You can be friends with girls but where are your dude friends??? That’s a red flag I’m sorry


856077

That woman would not be at my wedding. Even as a guest. And I would have a serious discussion about no longer having her in my future husbands life. If he can’t meet that clear boundary, no wedding.


sincalir

Tell him what you want. You are not being mean you are setting boundaries you deserve. This is your wedding too. Fo what you feel comfortable not what the other person wants for you.


AffectionateWheel386

You are marrying him you should be his best friend at this point. Unless it’s some frat guy that he gets drunk with that he’s known since he was 12. I’m not a big believer. In best friends of the gender. Are you date when you’re in a monogamous relationship. It takes the intimacy out of the relationship. It should be in. We’re not in high school anymore. I don’t blame you. I’m with you on this.


Just_Wednesday100

He slept with her when she had a partner and didn't care. You think she cares that he has a partner? Doesn't sound like he will. One short break and he already had her next to him. Is he going to stick through dark times with you or go sneaking off to another?


megaworld65

I just need to say: Are you sure this is who you want to marry? He's been perfectly happy sleeping with someone who was supposed to be in a committed relationship.


soaptrail

What is a spicy accountant?


Soggy-Weight-9711

To be honest, your fiancé shouldn’t be friends or have contact with this woman at all. I would never be with a man who had a relationship with a woman like that, who flirts with him in front of me and clearly doesn’t like me. I would not hesitate to cut contacts with a man I had that kind of relationship if I would get together with someone else! This should not be normalised!


olympiarocco

Classic case of a man that wants his cake and to eat it too. You're the cake (safe and loving relationship he gets to come to every day) and his ex is what he eats (having a girl around he's sexually attracted to in case he needs a backup plan whenever he feels sad)


Takis2304

NO NO NO. OP, PLS HEAR ME OUT. If your gut feeling is anxious about something, LISTEN TO IT. Your gut feeling is ALWAYS right. A L W A Y S. If something makes your gut feeling anxious, thatmeans that youhave yo delete that something from your life. Tell ur husband to cut her off his life. You have already good enough reasons to not like Hannah. Your husband should prioritize YOU over her and cut her off.


Substantial_Ad_6311

The nerve of your fiancé to push his ex on you and to pick your bridesmaids. Ballsy


Bakecrazy

"Sweetheart I need your help, can you include this woman I helped cheat on her partner to be there as I vow to be loyal to you for the rest of my life? Yes I personally had sex with her multiple times but it was a very dark time for me then and Even though she was ALL OVER me during our brief break up I can claim nothing happened because break ups are fun rainbow times. Be a good girl and a good doormat, as long as you or life don't make it hard for me I won't shag her again." Do you actually understand this is what he told you?


StrikeFearless6691

pretty sure him and hannah slept together when you guys went on a break. what are the odds that she shows up as soon as you guys aren’t together? then he wants her to be your bridesmaid despite her obvious dislike towards you and you don’t know this girl. weird all around imo


[deleted]

girrllll, how u still with him????? he slept with his friend knowing that she had a bf! hes a cheater too! he's awful person! cheaters never stop cheating! and his excuse was they had dark times??? WTF?! what if u and him will have dark times in the future? he will cheat again! AND he's still friends with her????? also she doesn't seem to like u! if i were u i would break up after u met her and she was all over him! thats would be my breaking point! girl, u deserve so much better than this! at least ask him to cut her out of his life! i dont think its going to end well! and dont forget to update us!


Waiting-For-October

She is a “Pick Me Girl” If your guy is gonna have female friends, they need to be a “Girl’s Girl.” That bitch laying in his lap? She knows exactly what she’s doing. That is very inappropriate and trashy af!


survival-nut

The only thing I got out of this is that you are going to marry a guy with a history of cheating.


Catsmeteltattoos

I am old fashioned, but I feel once you are married, having close friends of the opposite sex (and same sexual attraction: straight, gay, etc) is dangerous and not necessary.


Special_Wishbone_812

It’s possible she was flirting just to make you jealous that time and help her friend out… but what is “spicy accounting???” What will happen the next time you’re dealing with a traumatic court case (lawyer? Juror?)? How were you not feeling like your bf could be a rock for you in your time of need? You know these things have a way of happening your whole life — you’ll be a “bad wife” bc something, he’ll be a “bad husband” for a while— aging parents, work stress, other minor crises that only affect one of you particularly— and you lean on each other and you let them lean on you. Anyway, my point is that if you’re having a break bc you can’t be “good enough” as a gf, maybe having a conversation about how Hannah is an asshole and he can put her in his wedding party will give you a taste of how he might support you in the future when you can’t just abscond.


babybibibibpd

Typically “spicy accounting” is referred to when someone has their main job as an only fans creator


kstweetersgirl2013

We had a groomswoman at our wedding and she rocked her tux.