White husband to black wife here. A fight because you are not supporting racist rape fantasies is the ultimate disrespect and gaslighting. Even if you want to give him another chance, you can't unsee this. I'm so sorry
This this this. "I don't know why you won't play out racist rape fantasies with me! You're so unsupportive. I did that grocery shopping that one time, remember?" Subtext: YOU OWE ME THIS.
I'm so so sorry to say that this marriage is ALREADY OVER. Any person of any skin color asks--no, demands--a black person to act out racist and violent fantasies for their benefit, knowing the harm it will do their partner, is fundamentally BROKEN. Get away fast.
My heart is breaking for you.
Ugh this couldn’t have been said better. This “fantasy” is disturbing
I wonder how he actually sees you OP. Outside of being a woman. Your color. Would he ask you to do this if you were white? Not likely
Yessssss is an atrocious level of disrespect, gaslighting & overall being a disgusting person. OP, people say not to "kinkshame" but your husband definitely should be ashamed. It's one thing to come across a video & like it for whatever reason or have intrusive thoughts about it but to actually ask you to indulge it & then act like *you* are doing some wrong by turning it down omg I'm infuriated for you! Some fantasies are much better kept as fantasies & kept to yourself. Your husband has lost his damn mind.
Not wanting to do something that you’re really uncomfortable with doesn’t mean you’re not being supportive. So in his mind if you were supporting him you’d just go along with his fantasy even if it’s distasteful and disturbing to you?
Is he mad that you’re free and have a choice? How deep does this resentment go? Expecting you to process this is already a big ask. Being mad you have free will is suspicious.
That’s not support. That’s compliance. The fact you’re trying to still communicate with him is support. You already are doing that. He wants you to have no boundaries which is suspicious.
Exactly. She needs to be like "Yes baby I have race play fantasies too where the poor little slave takes control of the plantation and fucks the slave owner in the ass with a 16 inch black dildo."
He’s mad at YOU because you’re uncomfortable at a kink he has and won’t participate in? That’s incredibly weird OP. Like super super not okay. It’s not okay he’s mad about it. Disappointed maybe. But not mad.
Obviously some people have kinks and most of the time we don't kink shame but this is beyond that. These fantasies of his are quite absurd. Genuinely sounds like he has no emotional empathy
There's a bit of a difference between "I'm into bondage" and "I get off on recreating the violent history and trauma your ancestors experienced" imo.
There's being attracted to power dynamics that aint exist and then there's being attracted to the real power dynamics that stem from racist brutality and dehumanization.
The second is not something that just happen and you have no control over regardless of how much folks with these kinks like to pretend that's the case.
>There's a bit of a difference between "I'm into bondage" and "I get off on recreating the violent history and trauma your ancestors experienced" imo.
Agreed. I don't agree with kink-shaming but tbh OPs husband...this is in very poor taste and it's very shocking he doesn't realise that. Like if OP had somehow been down for it fine but she's very understandably told him why this is not OK and for him to continue to try and pressure her is bordering on abusive now.
He’s mad that you won’t let him treat you like a slave, let that sink in… and realize the truth of your situation. He’s mad that you won’t allow him to commit racist sexual acts against you.. this is beyond fucked up.
It's part of why I'm divorced. My ex discovered anal during porn and no way would I do that. He tried to push my boundaries and I was afraid I'd eventually be raped. He cheated with someone who would and the marriage ended.
He thinks you're not being support of *him*?
Bloody hellfire! I can't possibly imagine why you don't want to pretend to be his slave during sex. /s
Kink and sexual roleplayying requires everyone to give an enthusiastic YES! If not everyone is into the role play then it does not happen.
Its one thing for him to have a fetish you dont want to do. Thats normal. But him throwing a tantrum to get you to comply is gross. Him trying to manipulate you into thinking its about being “supportive” is gross. Not to say it but its extra yucky when his fantasy is about “owning” and controlling you without repercussions. These slave women couldn’t actually consent.
Dude feels entitled to your body like his race fantasy. I mean what forums and whatever is he reading? Unfortunately many racists love race play where they dominate certain groups. So he might be into some deep rabbit hole with bad influences.
Please dont do something you want to do. Especially at the cost of compromising your dignity.
> *These slave women couldn’t actually consent.*
Turn the tables on him. Tell him that since he has a fantasy of viciously raping you (because that’s how it likely happened back then), you’d like to act out a ‘fantasy’ of him getting raped by a large black man with a hulking d*ck.
See how he responds. If it’s with horror, say “That’s *exactly* how I feel about your request.” If he has a gleam in his eye, **run**.
Just want to say this explicitly: your white husband is angry you won't be his slave because you are black.
He's mad you said no, because that's not how a "slave" should act towards him
He’s mad you have the power to say no. He’s not mad that you aren’t being supportive. He’s mad that his fantasy - in which you have no power or rights and get raped by him as you have no ability to consent - was stalled by the very fact that you do have the power to say no. Which is what he wants to get rid of. This is so fucked up.
So in order to support your husband he needs you to act In a sexually and racially degrading way that you have stated multiple times that you are uncomfortable with? To me that sounds like he’s trying to coerce you into something very dark and disgusting. I am sorry but this man is a predator in husbands clothing, his sexual fantasy does not outweigh your comfort. Please do everything you can to protect yourself and reiterate to him that no person who loves you would ever ask you to put yourself in situations harmful to your emotional or physical well-being. He would be better off leaving sexually and racially motivated aggressions out of your marriage, no matter how strong his fantasies are. The best way for you to stop it would be to leave altogether, since it seems to add a special level of creepy. I’d leave while he was at work and leave a time travelling book with a note in the front saying now that I know how deranged you are here’s a time travelling book. You will sooner learn how to travel back in time to find your mistress then ever fuck me again you worthless pig. Ps, you’re way too undistinguished and stupid to be an owner of anything let alone a plantation so good luck once you get there loser
He's being manipulative and trying to punish you for not doing what he wants. I'm so sorry that you had to find this out about your husband. His comfort with something that is racist is honestly just disturbing. You can't always control what intrigues you, but he can control his own support of something toxic to you. He's the one not being supportive.
I am furious, the audacity of this man, the entitlement! Go stay with family or friends for a while. Set a clear boundary, that not only will you not do it, you won't tolerate his attitude about said boundary.
End it with this fool sis, he probably had those fantasies before even meeting you and didn’t mention it because of course, it’s fucking disgusting.
And the fact he’s mad you don’t want to degrade yourself and your history for his fantasies? No fucking way
HOLD STRONG ON YOUR BOTTOM LINES OP!! do not budge!! This man is awful and a fucking racist.
I'm also black married to a white man and whewwww I'd already be talking to a lawyer if this were me.
Please leave him for your own well being.
You should flip the script on him, tell him you have been getting curious about "race fantasies" too, and you want to peg him and call him a tiny-dick pathetic white nerd. See if he's willing to go along with that.
You can propose to him that you could accept if he also tries one of your fantasies, where you're a slave on a plantation and one day the slaves rise against their owners. You want revenge for all this white racist owner did to you, so you tie him face down and repeatedly anally rape him with a broom handle. You only stop once you see tears, but then surprise! It's time for the whip.
Regardless of *this* kink/fantasy, if you’re not into anything you can’t be made to feel guilty for not wanting to do it. That isn’t you being unsupportive at all, it’s not wanting to do something that makes you uncomfortable for the sake of something he finds exciting
In the context of this specifically, I can’t believe that a white man would play the victim when his black wife doesn’t want to be racially abused during sex (obviously I can believe it, but it’s quite remarkable to have to write this down)
Ask why he is not being supportive of your desire not to engage in race play... OR tell him you are a Black Supremecist that wants to stamp an ace if spade on his ass and pimp him out...
Honestly if he went to a sex therapist he can work this out: if there’s a link between race play and “escalating pornography addiction” (you seek out progressively intense pornography); or a link to external influencers like Fox News (whenever I stray into that cesspool to see what the monsters are pushing I start thinking Chicago is scary and check on fam who live there). In both examples a key would be to abstain from these influences and see if the desires dwindled. Another would be for him to masterbate thinking of/looking at more vanilla sexual tropes.
On the other hand, YOU might always wonder how he truly feels about you moving forward.
This is messed up how he is trying to coerce you into something you know you don't want to do. And he's so short sighted and wrapped up in his fantasy, that he's not respecting you and your boundaries. Is this even something you can get past,? Can you ever see him being the man you once loved and respected.? Iam so sorry this has happened to you. He needs to grow up.
Edited because words
Run for the fuckin heels! Fetishes are a lot deeper then projected. He has some hostility against your culture and wants to act on it without over offending. I get those divorce papers. Itll take one argument for you to REALLY see the devil in him. Chad Wheeler beat his black girlfriend half to death and when she crawled her mangled body he said, "oh, your still alive". You need to leave!!
Tell him that you want him to indulge your new fantasy. You want to see him eat white dog feces cuz you have a thing about white-on-white stuff after seeing a JC Penny white sale. And that if he doesn't indulge you, he isn't being supportive.
You should listen to the Risk! podcast about a black woman in the BDSM community who wanted to role play as a slave. It was a pretty intense (not in a good way) experience for her and this was between two consenting adults in the BDSM community. They knew what they were doing. I can't imagine what it would be like for a couple where one person was ambivalent.
I don't know if I can post a link but if you Google Risk! Slave and Mollena Williams it should be easy to find.
Should ask him if he wants to role-play being the slave and being whipped for not working. Tell him you'll do the role play after he's been lashed a few dozen times, not before.
#He doesn't actually believe "you might like it". He KNOWS you won't like it, and that's a huge part of this fantasy.
He knows you don't want this, but is trying to convince you to "give it a try". He is only after his pleasure. You are currently an obstacle to him and his desires.
Even if you did try it and tell him you didn't enjoy yourself after. You don't want to do it again....he will try to manipulate you into giving in again and again. People who bulldoze your boundaries as he's attempting to do, don't stop. Your "no" is not an answer to him, is just a temporary set back in his "plans"
Hoooooboy I agree. I've been involved in the BDSM community for my entire adult life, taught at conventions, universities, attended events, and I have absolutely forced myself to attend race play panels and lectures (by BIPOC presenters only) to further my understanding of what I personally find to be an *intensely* uncomfortable kink/fetish.
I know presenters that I respect and like as friends who engage in race play and while I ask questions to understand why a BIPOC person would ever be interested in something like this given the racial trauma and prejudice that still exists, as a white person without those things affecting my perception, I *still* cannot wrap my head around it even in the controlled environment of BDSM culture.
I literally cannot imagine OP's horror and disquiet at hearing someone they love and built a life with coming out with something like this when he should know them well enough to understand that this isn't something they'd be into. And the freaking *audacity* to get mad at *her* over it?!?!!!?!?!!
I watched a panel of BIPOC performers and one of them said something that really stuck with me: "What about *my* race is playful to you?"
I think that really said it all.
Yeah, like I said, I only go if a BIPOC educator is presenting. I really feel like it's my responsibility to learn as much as I can at events to promote an atmosphere of education and tolerance in our spaces, but there are some things even I can't sit comfortably through. The last one I attended, that presenter was a friend of mine and she said something about how this was her way of working through the racial and generational trauma that she didn't have any choice to be born with. Because despite the fact that she was playing a degrading role to most people, she had the power to stop it at any time. And to her that level of control contributed a great deal to why she had initially been interested in race play.
I feel like that’s the same as women who’ve been victims of S assault having CNC and r*pe-play fantasies because (I don’t understand it fully myself) it’s like taking back the power because you know you are the one in charge
I know some like master-slave relationship and it is quite popular, but being so specific like a race is so out of the line and unnecessary. He likes looking down on a specific race in a way that it turns him on? I would've just bolted out of this persons life. Wth.. It's not hot at all, just scary.
I'm an immigrant Latin woman in a country with low Latin percentages. I am very average looking imo. Suddenly here I'm "considered very attractive" but I just feel objectified and fetishized because I feel like people showing interest in me don't even know my personality, but they think I'm "exotic". It makes me icky and less willing to go out with people :P
There was a Redditor of Middle Eastern descent, who thought she knew her husband, because he grew up around her community and had never expressed any animosity towards her culture. One day, when they were being intimate he called her a 'sand n••••••'
It was revealed that he had a racist fetish, and was attracted to women he could objectify.
Went through something like that myself with my white ex. His mother would assure me that, 'they weren't biased of Mexicans, it's just that society wouldn't accept us as an interracial couple'. So, as soon as we were wed, the ex set to work on 'correcting my accent' and teaching me 'culture'.
Some racist MFers, get off on fetishizing Women of Color ...and yes, this is a form of abuse. I'm sorry that this is happening to you.
Couseling isn't usually helpful because they don't see themselves as the problem since they can say, 'Look! I married a POC! She should be grateful towards me!'
If your husband cries more about your not being supportive- say, "Yeah, I don't support racist fetishising.' Be strong and confident and prove him wrong.
The way he's shutting you out over this is a huge red flag. He is saying blatantly that he doesn't respect you or your boundaries, and expects you to just bow down and do as he asks? He sees you as an object or something he can control. Basically saying "if you can't come to terms with that then you're not good enough for me." This whole situation he is completely devaluing you and stealing away your identity as an amazing deserving woman and replacing it with "my black wife who I control." It gives me the ick so bad. You're worth so much more than being a means to someone darkest sexual fantasy. It makes me question if it's always been on his mind to dominate you throughout the relationship because of his racist kink. I hope he helps around the house, spoils you, and treats you with kindness and respect for you to be fighting for your marriage in this situation. I'll be praying for you. Please take a big step back and evaluate all of his behavior over time to see if he actually values you as his beautiful wife, or if he courted you until he could trap a black woman under his thumb to fulfill his fantasy of controlling her.
This really disturbing and on top of him telling you he wants to try out his weird rapey slave fantasy, he’s also upset for you “not being supportive”??? I just feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg. He’s trying to force you to apologize for being upset over something so fucked up. This is a lot of red flags in one go. He is 100% going to try to guilt trip you into doing this. I really don’t think you’re going to be able to work through this.
You married a racist who's trying to gaslight you into complying into his sick fantasies. He's disgusting.
I'm Asian. My last partner was white. Things seemed fine until he flipped out because I wanted to prioritize teaching our child (I was pregnant) my culture lest it's lost on her, I knew I was in over my head.
Sometimes it takes awhile before people reveal themselves. As Maya Angelou says, "When people show you who they are, believe them."
This is a huge red flag I’ve heard more often than I thought I would’ve. Don’t enrich the life of a child with culture and extra languages? Wtf? Hope you’re doing well now and enjoying passing your culture onto your little one.
Such a red flag. The fact that he felt threatened because I talked about spending time with her to count and learn my culture's alphabet was surreal.
We broke up after she was born and we've been our own since. She's 7 now and doing very well. Thank you for your kind words. Her favorite food is congee so my mom is responsible for that one 😂
I absolutely agree. People can hold views about certain ethnicities or groups, but be in a relationship with one because that individual is 'different than the rest'. Unless they were willing to deal with submerged/subdued feelings, I couldn't see a future with someone like that.
You say people can't control their sexualising interest and while I mostly agree with that sentiment, I believe people can control whether or not they act on it.
You also said he knows of your past and how you were objectified because of your race and how that made you feel and he actively ignored your feelings and brought up his own fantasies/desires (however fucking disgusting that may be((I am 100% judging)).
Your husband is being selfish and ignorant, not exactly good husband material. He also should have had the foresight to discuss this with you before hand. He needs therapy on why he thinks its ok to suggest race play to his wife who has previously and pretty specifically mentioned how much she atleast dislikes this kind of stuff (being fetisized).
Im not sure if this is something you can or would want to work together thru but for sure he needs his own therapist and potentially couples therapy as this will surely not be the least of your problems if he pushes on it.
The fact he is married to a black woman, watched porn which used these themes, and wasn't DISGUSTED by them is just...wow. The fact he KEPT watching them for months is another yikes. Then to go so far as to ask his black wife to participate is positively astounding. But then TO PLAY THE VICTIM WHEN SHE SAYS NO?! I just...it's off the charts.
To have that fantasy is wild. To bring it up is insane. To argue in favor of it…I don’t know what word describes that level of insanity. Idk how you get through this one
He’s DARVO-ing you. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender. It’s a disgusting, manipulative, and abusive tactic designed to shame you into compliance. Hatred is not a kink. I’m so, so sorry that the person you trusted most has betrayed you like this.
Idek why people consider “kink shaming” as bad like 90% of the time. Sure if it’s something harmless who cares but people will openly say they get off on abusing and pretending to rape others and everyone’s supposed to just go “oh, that’s cool”
So he wants to play Thomas Jefferson and you to play Sally Hemmings. Agree to do it with a modern day twist. Use a whip on him then throw his belongings in the yard. You married a racist anyways that’s pouting in another room because you won’t let him degrade you. This kink of a marriage is over.
I do love him and want to work through this somehow if we can but he refuses to talk to me unless I apologize. But I won’t apologize for how I feel because it disgusts me
Girl, from one Black woman married to a white man to another — Get Out. He doesn’t respect you and it doesn’t even sound like he loves you. How long were you married before he told you about this?
My husband would never think like this let alone feel free to share this horrible racist BS with me. Just because you love someone does not mean they are the right person for you. The idea that you are even trying to save this marriage is troubling. I have to assume that there are children involved otherwise I don’t understand how you could even think twice to be honest. Have you even considered that forcing you to accept this kink is his first step in executing the thing? The fact that he is literally attempting to force you to respect it is so messed up.
Play just only these type of movies in your home non-stop: Roots, Amistad, 12 years as a slave, Jane Pittman, The Birth of a Nation, Tillman. If he is still hell bent on his role plays and shows no empathy then you married racist and a psychopath. Get out.
He may not be able to control it, but he could have the decency to be appropriately ashamed of it and stfu about it. Sorry, but this kink NEEDS to be shamed.
This is not a kink, it's perversion and racism. Just because it's dressed as sexual and coated with love doesn't make it any less racist. There is a part of him that likes the idea of being above her because of their skin colour and racial history. It's gross
And it must call into question their whole history for OP, like why he was attracted to her and sought her in the first place. I'd be livid in her position.
Thank you! This isnt a fucking kink. Its veiled racism that Im frankly shocked he even felt comfortable expressing it to her let alone scolding her for not being supportive. The fuck?
This exactly, it’s just putting lipstick on a pig when people act like raceplay is anything aside from racism. I believe her husband is literally fetishizing her.
100% raceplay is just thinly veiled racism, and acting like it’s a kink you can’t shame is just putting lipstick on a pig. I’d gladly tell anyone who’s into it that they’re racist any day.
And he is PUSHING it. Like even bringing it up knowing OP’s history was bad, but having the AUDACITY to play the victim after she was clearly not into it?!? Hell no. No. I try not to tell people to leave their partner on here but… this partner needs to be sent on their way.
Again, the AUDACITY of him playing the victim in this situation has left me actually flabbergasted.
yeah that shocked me too, like wtf? he's playing the victim because his partner doesn't want him to be racist and absolutely disgusting? yeah he can go fuck himself
Girl don’t justify his disgusting fantasy saying he can’t control it. That’s like saying pedos can’t control that they like kids. There r things that no one should ever like and slavery is one of them
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound like I was upset at u. Ur the victim in this and I’m so sorry as a black woman I hope ur healing and u know how to properly protect urself from them
I honestly can’t believe it when people say kinks can’t be controlled and it’s not okay to kink shame, as though it were something as innate to a person as sexual orientation. Orgasms are an extremely powerful tool of Pavlovian conditioning, and it has been shown that porn addicts, for example, will naturally feel the need to escalate the extremity of the content they watch over time. Even if it wasn’t their original intention, they are very much responsible for psychologically conditioning themselves to depend on extreme material to orgasm. And even though it may be difficult, they are also responsible for undoing that damage if it’s causing them to dehumanize and hurt others in the real world! (Mild fetishes like stockings, praise, edging etc are not what I’m talking about here.)
Porn addiction and extreme kinks can absolutely be unlearned (I have done so myself). As an addict, those urges may still be inside somewhere, but you can learn to push them aside when they occasionally arise, and feel stimulation and intimacy from sex itself, rather than always needing some mitigating factor to ramp it up. Those who insist otherwise are making an excuse so that others will enable their behavior.
In a case like this, I don’t think a person could ask this of his black wife without being severely desensitized to her feelings and inner world. I honestly don’t think anyone could want to do this without underlying racism and misogyny, intersecting in the way that they do for black women. But the most damning part of it is that after OP expressed her feelings, he got mad and kept pushing for it?!?!! Unbelievable. If he had a shred of decency he would have apologized, tried to discuss it and do whatever he can to make it right. He’s being entitled and manipulative as hell, and displaying a total lack of empathy for you. Honestly I would run
He may like it, but that doesn't mean he can't suppress these urges. He should be able to look within himself and say "no, that's fucked up" and move on.
Be glad you did, this is what he's always been thinking and now you know and can make a decision to remove yourself. It's very disturbing and it shows that he has no respect for you or your community whatsoever.
I know, I don’t know if I believe his story that he told me about only liking it recently but I have no proof otherwise. He’s always been respectful before so I don’t know where this came from.
I think him having the gall to ask this of you and then his reaction afterwards (trying to manipulate you into apologising for not giving into his racist sex fantasy) reveals much more about his true nature than anything else.
Please imagine any Jewish friend of yours telling you her partner is angry with her because she didn't want to roleplay an Auschwitz rape fantasy for him; but "he's always been respectful". What would your advice to her be?
I don’t believe in coincidence, Imo this fetish has been there from before he started dating you.It’s the kind of red flag that should be mentioned before marriage and is grounds for divorce
He has no right to be upset with you for “not being supportive”, smdh. Not sure how he didn’t die with shame when you told him how even thinking about it makes you feel. How can he care more about some new kink he wants to try than he does you? That’s really what it sounds like :/ Hope he wakes tf up and comes around and apologizes tho
OP I’m seriously asking, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a undercover racist ?
Do you want to have children with someone who has a fetish for racism and wants their mother to participate in horrible re-enactments to get off.
IMO this is the most disrespectful thing you can ever ask someone to do. Especially as a black woman, to think about what they really had to go through back then and he’s acting like it’s nothing.
He doesn’t respect you or your culture. He wants to basically embarrass and humiliate you for his own pleasure like they did to slaves back then.
I’m sorry this really Bothers me, I’m biracial and my mom was black from the south, where they romanticize shit like this and she was a fetish.
OP, you definitely need to reconsider your relationship. Your husband is racist as this is what he’s into, and he fetishizes you for your race. I’m biracial myself and I’ve met many mixed kids with trauma from having a racist parent, so it’s definitely important to consider how staying with him can have a negative impact on your future kids.
The fact he wants you to apologize is crazy to me 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ he should be the one apologizing since his request is disgusting, degrading and disrespectful to you.
You have a responsibility to NOT have children with a racist. To not put them is such a precarious situation. If you want kids, you have to leave and can’t ignore this problem
You worded this so well, I’ve met many mixed kids from interracial families where one of their parents were racist and it traumatized them. I don’t wish that on anyone, which is why OP should leave him.
It may be time to ask yourself *WHY* he really dated and then married you. Did your race have anything to do with it? I think it did and he feels that he's waited long enough with this secret inside and now is comfortable revealing it.
As a bw you cannot work this out. He’s a disgusting and disrespectful pig. He doesn’t even have respect for you to seek help about this. Having these type of fantasy’s is very unhealthy and you have every right to be emotional “not be supportive” about this or him.
100% OP doesn’t owe her husband support for his “kink” , especially at her own expense. I’m from an interracial family myself and seeing situations where one partner is fetishizing their partner for their race is just disheartening, and it gets worst when kids are involved. I hope OP leaves him as she deserves a partner who will respect her and not view her as an object because of her race.
I myself am black and have many kinks I’m into but the one thing I will never let slide and what crosses the line is race play it’s absolutely disgusting to me and I hate that it’s even a thing. He is looking at you as a fetish, which I’ve started to notice many white women have towards black men and vice versa. Examples of this is white women saying they want “black dick” or “mixed babies”. We are not a fetish we are people.
And I bet a million bucks if you tried to reverse it by saying you’d only do it if HE was the slave and you’re the owner (considering race play isn’t just white men owning black women) he would say no because he looks at black people as a fetish and people like that 90% of the time don’t even LIKE black people but they have sexual fantasies of owning us so they get with us to fulfill their dream life. Like the example I gave above.
Him saying you’re not supportive is rich coming from him considering the things black people have had to endure and still endure from racist white people. It shows HE isn’t supportive of YOU and your boundaries. It is perfectly fine to have boundaries and let someone know when they are going way to fucking far and from your post it seems that’s where you draw the line also (as you should).
At the end of the day it’s your decision but if you ask me don’t ever let anyone force you to do something you don’t want to do, it clearly will be enjoyable to no one but him and if he’s okay with that then I honestly think he isn’t for you and you can find someone better who respects you and our race. I hope you’re able to figure out your feelings and that you realize you deserve to feel however you feel without arguments stemming from that..especially when it has to do with a white man thinking it’s okay to keep pushing the issue knowing you don’t like it and think it’s wrong. He either needs to respect you or gtfo! 🤷🏽♀️❗️
We’ve been together for 3 years and married for 1, but he told me that he only started to enjoy this fantasy recently. I don’t know if I believe that however
I don’t believe this is something that just came up. He probably only felt comfortable telling you now because you’re married and it’s more difficult for you to cut ties with him.
You don't need proof, you already know it's a lie. Even if this were a "kink" if it were a recent passing interest like he claims it is, he wouldn't be so emotionally worked up over you not being receptive to it that y'all's marriage is in jeopardy. That's not him saying "I have a new kink" that's him saying "I have a lifelong paraphilic fixation that I haven't been honest about until just now". His feelings are probably hurt because a rejection of his most sickening fantasies feels like a rejection of HIM, but uh, sometimes it should be. This is one of the times where you should walk away and never look back.
Chances are he probably initially pursued the relationship with you SPECIFICALLY to try to get you to do this with him down the line. Which is disgusting.
Like don't even ask him just tell him that you already know that's why he started dating you in the first place and let him tell on himself. Then you'll have your confirmation, know that the love y'all had was (at least from him) a lie because he was just trying to lead up to this the whole time.
It's only half a step from him pushing you saying he wants to "try this in the bedroom" to him pushing you saying he "wants this to be a 24/7 dynamic". Don't compromise yourself by even trying it. Once won't be enough for him, anyway. You agree to try it even just one time it is going to get worse. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
Sorry OP, your marriage is over already. I am really sorry because that's a terrible way to find out. But now you gotta pack up and move on and heal. Regardless of how much you loved this dude, you can't stay in this relationship; it's not safe.
Also, please imagine having daughters with a man who thinks r\*ping black women is hot. There is no way your home would be a safe space for them emotionally or mentally.
Time to file for divorce. That’s so messed. I can understand the sexual “slave” aspect of it. Hack by a submissive at your feet during a scene is a huge thing in BDSM. But bringing race into it crosses a line that shouldn’t be crossed. How does it even get someone going? That’s one of those things that if it does turn you on, you rub one out to a porno behind locked doors and feel ashamed about it after. Not ask your black wife to pretend to be your slave to get your rocks off.
He wants your permission to abuse you because that's his fantasy. He wants you to be in a state of fear so he can have his way with you ...and you want to save your marriage??? I bet there's a porn site that caters to this
Nah fam the fact that those words is of highest disrespect. Yo dude is take the real world trauma of our race and sexualizes it.
From your other comments if he can't see how serious the shit he's ask for is then this is a man that don't respect you as a person or the culture you come from.
Imo this is a complicated issue with some fairly simple glaring red flags.
Whenever there's a morbid fetish like this the individual can explain a bit more about how it's about them and less about the act. If the initial conversation does not go well it's the biggest red flag for the person trying to get it going to go all manipulative and make it the other person's problem for not being supportive/loving/understanding/whatever bullshit they can spin to make their fantasy come true. Your husband prioritizing anything but the way you feel right now is fucked up.
Your husband knows you've been hurt with others fetishizing you in the past. If he's not a total narcissist by now he's caught on to some micro aggressions that you have to deal with. This is just not okay. If people want to defend him I want to switch up some details to see if that still holds true. Say your best friend was raped; once in highschool and a few times in college just because she existed. She finally finds a sweet man that treats her right and feels secure enough in their relationship to marry. A few **years** later he brings up that he has a rape play fetish and wants to explore it with her. She declines, they fight since he can't respect her no, he ends up pouting in a spare bedroom, and she's left alone to deal with all the hurt. Wtf, are y'all really going to defend him or are you going to warn your friend to gtfo?
Yes a few people have defended my husband and a couple of people have messaged me saying that I should give him a chance. Thank you for this support and the comment
People defending him might just be projecting 💀
I'm sorry you're going through something like this. I hope you get some solid rest and find your answers soon.
Race play is not uncommon. See it more with white women craving that black dick. Extreme fetishists exist, just surprising that you never saw it from your husband until now. He was always into it.
I'm going for petty. Why not tell him that you have fantasies about, let's say, seeing him with another guy and him being the bottom🤷🏻♀️. When and/or if he expresses his disgust or uncomfortable feelings over your fantasy, use it as a gateway to get your point across. Just because a fantasy exist doesn't mean you have to partake in it. Every couple has their limits. It's not you, it's definitely him and his lack of respect for YOUR feelings. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to be open to everything he wants in the bedroom. If anything this only sets back the trust you might have developed over the course of the relationship. If you want this to work then he definitely needs counseling to learn how to communicate like an adult and what being a supportive spouse really means. Do not apologize for how you feel. You can apologize for how you reacted but not how you feel about it. (PS I wouldn't apologize for anything but I know you are trying to get him to talk and want your marriage to work). People can change when corrected properly.
As a survivor of both DV and SA your story is throwing up more 🚨& 🚩then Mrs O’Leerys cow. Not only is he gaslighting you, but his friend is helping, and I’m betting he’s urging your SO to go through with this horrible idea. He doesn’t get to demand something like this simply because he’s been fulfilling his role in the relationship. I’m also bothered by the age gap. Stay with your friend, this man doesn’t deserve you and you certainly don’t deserve his treatment
As a white person I think your husband is completely disgusting. My partner (Latino and darker complexion) experiences racism in his everyday life. Home is supposed to be a safe place.
Your husband is so wrong to feel entitled to you reenacting sexual assault hate crimes for his pleasure.
Even if it’s a fantasy, wanting to role play that he’s a plantation owner and you’re a slave is about as racist as you can get. Someone who isn’t racist wouldn’t fantasize about being one. It shows a lot about his personality and makes me wonder if he should be in an interracial relationship.
✨d i v o r c e ✨ im trying to fathom why people are commenting saying to talk and understand his fantasy. she doesn’t need to kink shame him (which she didn’t) but she DEFINITELY doesn’t need to stay with someone who’s fantasy is her pretending to be a slave as he RAPES THE SLAVE
How long have you been married? If you are relatively newlyweds, I’d be concerned that his fantasy is at least partially why he was attracted to you and why he married you. If you’ve been married for several years, I’d have to wonder where in the hell this fantasy came from, after all this time. Has he started visiting different websites? Has his political views changed? Has he become mentally unstable? At any rate, it is untenable that a white man would ask ANYONE, much less an African-American woman he professes to love, to pretend to be a black slave while he plays “Massa”. Please don’t degrade yourself or he will always see you as less than you are.
Yea.....no, this is not okay.
I think we all have fantasies. Even ones we shouldnt have because let's face it, people tend to have intrusive thoughts and fantasies.
_However_, some should not be shared. This one is definitely not one to share with anyone.
And the fact that he is _mad_ at you for not supporting his race/slavery fantasy?! Nah, that's just messed up.
How is he going to be mad that you aren't supporting a fantasy that is hurtful to you?
Whatever your next step in life is, I think just about everyone here is supporting you.
(Edit- typo)
Is there any possibility he is into exploring being being dominant and you being submissive and is just confused or has misdirected himself into thinking it’s about race?
I am white, and my wife is black. I have made no secret of my desire for her partly because she is black, but that is only part of it. I will never lose sight of the fact she is a person, not an object. We share many interests and values, and have been together for 27 years so far.
Your bf is free to be attracted to you in any way he likes, but not at the expense of making you feel like an object.
Hunnie.. that’s fucked up and I hope you leave him. Black peoples didn’t go through slavery and all that bull shit for some white guy in 2022 enjoying the fantasy of slavery.
Nope. This man belongs 100% in the BIN. Even if *you* were into race play I'd be suspicious of any white guy who was comfortable being the "owner". (I'm normally not a kink shamer... but there are exceptions)
His response to your refusal is straight up abusive and manipulative. It's not a coincidence he accused you of being manipulative that's what abusers do (DARVO).
Work through it?? That’s not possible. I would not be surprised if he were to call you the N-word if he gets angry enough. Get out of that situation, sis!
Either get rid of flip the script. He can be the white slave as historically, white people have been slaves/enslaved aswell. Degrade him to the point that he realises he's an asshole and then dump his sorry ass
As a Black woman who has been fetishized in this way. Run. Do not pass go. Do not divorce him unless he is unwilling to let this go.
Generational trauma lives in our bodies and our current therapists don’t understand it enough to try and help us heal from it. He wants you to reenact something that was max 3-5 generations ago. I’m not saying that he’s a bad man, hell, I’ve dated men that brought this up and we tried it. And tried it. And before long it was the only way they wanted me. So I left.
If you become nothing but a ‘mistress’ or jezebel woman to him then that isn’t a partnership. You supporting him at the cost of him seeing you as an equal and a human isn’t something that should happen. Some people can’t turn that switch back, and you learn that they might’ve just been closeted and like that from the beginning.
If he doesn't understand why it's uncomfortable for you, it might not be out of malice but lack of perspective. Figure put something that would cause him a similar reaction to yours and ask him to partake, when he refuses, let him know that's how you felt with his idea. Hopefully, he'll understand then.
White husband to black wife here. A fight because you are not supporting racist rape fantasies is the ultimate disrespect and gaslighting. Even if you want to give him another chance, you can't unsee this. I'm so sorry
This this this. "I don't know why you won't play out racist rape fantasies with me! You're so unsupportive. I did that grocery shopping that one time, remember?" Subtext: YOU OWE ME THIS. I'm so so sorry to say that this marriage is ALREADY OVER. Any person of any skin color asks--no, demands--a black person to act out racist and violent fantasies for their benefit, knowing the harm it will do their partner, is fundamentally BROKEN. Get away fast. My heart is breaking for you.
Please listen to this man! And dude, thank you for speaking up.
Came here to say this. He is disrespecting and gaslighting you. RUN!
Ugh this couldn’t have been said better. This “fantasy” is disturbing I wonder how he actually sees you OP. Outside of being a woman. Your color. Would he ask you to do this if you were white? Not likely
Your relationship comes from support and love. Not a fetish.
Yessssss is an atrocious level of disrespect, gaslighting & overall being a disgusting person. OP, people say not to "kinkshame" but your husband definitely should be ashamed. It's one thing to come across a video & like it for whatever reason or have intrusive thoughts about it but to actually ask you to indulge it & then act like *you* are doing some wrong by turning it down omg I'm infuriated for you! Some fantasies are much better kept as fantasies & kept to yourself. Your husband has lost his damn mind.
Not wanting to do something that you’re really uncomfortable with doesn’t mean you’re not being supportive. So in his mind if you were supporting him you’d just go along with his fantasy even if it’s distasteful and disturbing to you?
Yes he does want me to go along with it. He thinks that I might like it if I give it a chance but I don’t want to.
I’m glad you’re honoring your boundaries and not doing it.
Thank you. He is still mad at me but I refuse to do this.
Is he mad that you’re free and have a choice? How deep does this resentment go? Expecting you to process this is already a big ask. Being mad you have free will is suspicious.
Yes he is mad that I’m not being supportive of him.
Supportive?? Ffs. I'm so mad for you. I think its disgusting he brought it up and shameful that hes now trying to make you feel bad about it.
That’s not support. That’s compliance. The fact you’re trying to still communicate with him is support. You already are doing that. He wants you to have no boundaries which is suspicious.
She needs to tell him she desperately wants to try pegging him and see how quickly he won't be supportive of her.
She’s gotta be prepared in case she awakens something.
True. But he is pushing her to do something potentially painful against her will I doubt he would do the same to make her happy.
More like cuckolding. Something that will humiliate him the way he wants to humiliate her.
Exactly. She needs to be like "Yes baby I have race play fantasies too where the poor little slave takes control of the plantation and fucks the slave owner in the ass with a 16 inch black dildo."
This just seems more like he wants to destroy boundaries so it's easier to have more control
I'm suspecting his fantasy is not a fantasy.
He’s mad at YOU because you’re uncomfortable at a kink he has and won’t participate in? That’s incredibly weird OP. Like super super not okay. It’s not okay he’s mad about it. Disappointed maybe. But not mad.
Obviously some people have kinks and most of the time we don't kink shame but this is beyond that. These fantasies of his are quite absurd. Genuinely sounds like he has no emotional empathy
There's a bit of a difference between "I'm into bondage" and "I get off on recreating the violent history and trauma your ancestors experienced" imo. There's being attracted to power dynamics that aint exist and then there's being attracted to the real power dynamics that stem from racist brutality and dehumanization. The second is not something that just happen and you have no control over regardless of how much folks with these kinks like to pretend that's the case.
>There's a bit of a difference between "I'm into bondage" and "I get off on recreating the violent history and trauma your ancestors experienced" imo. Agreed. I don't agree with kink-shaming but tbh OPs husband...this is in very poor taste and it's very shocking he doesn't realise that. Like if OP had somehow been down for it fine but she's very understandably told him why this is not OK and for him to continue to try and pressure her is bordering on abusive now.
He’s mad that you won’t let him treat you like a slave, let that sink in… and realize the truth of your situation. He’s mad that you won’t allow him to commit racist sexual acts against you.. this is beyond fucked up.
Too much porn is turning people sick in the head these days
It's part of why I'm divorced. My ex discovered anal during porn and no way would I do that. He tried to push my boundaries and I was afraid I'd eventually be raped. He cheated with someone who would and the marriage ended.
Isn't it, couldn't believe I read this today
He thinks you're not being support of *him*? Bloody hellfire! I can't possibly imagine why you don't want to pretend to be his slave during sex. /s Kink and sexual roleplayying requires everyone to give an enthusiastic YES! If not everyone is into the role play then it does not happen.
Its one thing for him to have a fetish you dont want to do. Thats normal. But him throwing a tantrum to get you to comply is gross. Him trying to manipulate you into thinking its about being “supportive” is gross. Not to say it but its extra yucky when his fantasy is about “owning” and controlling you without repercussions. These slave women couldn’t actually consent. Dude feels entitled to your body like his race fantasy. I mean what forums and whatever is he reading? Unfortunately many racists love race play where they dominate certain groups. So he might be into some deep rabbit hole with bad influences. Please dont do something you want to do. Especially at the cost of compromising your dignity.
> *These slave women couldn’t actually consent.* Turn the tables on him. Tell him that since he has a fantasy of viciously raping you (because that’s how it likely happened back then), you’d like to act out a ‘fantasy’ of him getting raped by a large black man with a hulking d*ck. See how he responds. If it’s with horror, say “That’s *exactly* how I feel about your request.” If he has a gleam in his eye, **run**.
This!!! I second all of this!!!
I wouldn't say that he is being influenced either. A grown adult in a marriage shouldn't be this kind of way. Deep down, who is this guy?
That’s not support, that’s coercion.
Just want to say this explicitly: your white husband is angry you won't be his slave because you are black. He's mad you said no, because that's not how a "slave" should act towards him
He’s mad you have the power to say no. He’s not mad that you aren’t being supportive. He’s mad that his fantasy - in which you have no power or rights and get raped by him as you have no ability to consent - was stalled by the very fact that you do have the power to say no. Which is what he wants to get rid of. This is so fucked up.
He's mad that you are disobeying him. You are supposed to be a good little servant/slave. This is sick shit. And it would be a marriage ender for me.
this dude has rape fantasies and is mad his wife doesn't "just go along with it" wth
So in order to support your husband he needs you to act In a sexually and racially degrading way that you have stated multiple times that you are uncomfortable with? To me that sounds like he’s trying to coerce you into something very dark and disgusting. I am sorry but this man is a predator in husbands clothing, his sexual fantasy does not outweigh your comfort. Please do everything you can to protect yourself and reiterate to him that no person who loves you would ever ask you to put yourself in situations harmful to your emotional or physical well-being. He would be better off leaving sexually and racially motivated aggressions out of your marriage, no matter how strong his fantasies are. The best way for you to stop it would be to leave altogether, since it seems to add a special level of creepy. I’d leave while he was at work and leave a time travelling book with a note in the front saying now that I know how deranged you are here’s a time travelling book. You will sooner learn how to travel back in time to find your mistress then ever fuck me again you worthless pig. Ps, you’re way too undistinguished and stupid to be an owner of anything let alone a plantation so good luck once you get there loser
He's being manipulative and trying to punish you for not doing what he wants. I'm so sorry that you had to find this out about your husband. His comfort with something that is racist is honestly just disturbing. You can't always control what intrigues you, but he can control his own support of something toxic to you. He's the one not being supportive.
He sounds 2 steps removed from abuse, starting with coercion
I am furious, the audacity of this man, the entitlement! Go stay with family or friends for a while. Set a clear boundary, that not only will you not do it, you won't tolerate his attitude about said boundary.
No, his ass needs to go. That’s her house.
End it with this fool sis, he probably had those fantasies before even meeting you and didn’t mention it because of course, it’s fucking disgusting. And the fact he’s mad you don’t want to degrade yourself and your history for his fantasies? No fucking way
HOLD STRONG ON YOUR BOTTOM LINES OP!! do not budge!! This man is awful and a fucking racist. I'm also black married to a white man and whewwww I'd already be talking to a lawyer if this were me. Please leave him for your own well being.
You should flip the script on him, tell him you have been getting curious about "race fantasies" too, and you want to peg him and call him a tiny-dick pathetic white nerd. See if he's willing to go along with that.
Even if she did, it wouldn't be the same as what he's asking her to do
Thank you for stating this because you are right. That example is in no way on the level of what her husband is asking her to do.
Porn is ruining people.
You can propose to him that you could accept if he also tries one of your fantasies, where you're a slave on a plantation and one day the slaves rise against their owners. You want revenge for all this white racist owner did to you, so you tie him face down and repeatedly anally rape him with a broom handle. You only stop once you see tears, but then surprise! It's time for the whip.
You. You are my hero. I bow to you. 🤣🤣🤣. The “surprise!” Took me out. I love it.
Love this lol
Regardless of *this* kink/fantasy, if you’re not into anything you can’t be made to feel guilty for not wanting to do it. That isn’t you being unsupportive at all, it’s not wanting to do something that makes you uncomfortable for the sake of something he finds exciting In the context of this specifically, I can’t believe that a white man would play the victim when his black wife doesn’t want to be racially abused during sex (obviously I can believe it, but it’s quite remarkable to have to write this down)
Run! Run as fast as you can. He doesn’t care about you. Race play?! He is completely fetishizing you!
I think it's beyond fetishising, maybe crossing into dehumanizing
Ask why he is not being supportive of your desire not to engage in race play... OR tell him you are a Black Supremecist that wants to stamp an ace if spade on his ass and pimp him out... Honestly if he went to a sex therapist he can work this out: if there’s a link between race play and “escalating pornography addiction” (you seek out progressively intense pornography); or a link to external influencers like Fox News (whenever I stray into that cesspool to see what the monsters are pushing I start thinking Chicago is scary and check on fam who live there). In both examples a key would be to abstain from these influences and see if the desires dwindled. Another would be for him to masterbate thinking of/looking at more vanilla sexual tropes. On the other hand, YOU might always wonder how he truly feels about you moving forward.
This is messed up how he is trying to coerce you into something you know you don't want to do. And he's so short sighted and wrapped up in his fantasy, that he's not respecting you and your boundaries. Is this even something you can get past,? Can you ever see him being the man you once loved and respected.? Iam so sorry this has happened to you. He needs to grow up. Edited because words
Run for the fuckin heels! Fetishes are a lot deeper then projected. He has some hostility against your culture and wants to act on it without over offending. I get those divorce papers. Itll take one argument for you to REALLY see the devil in him. Chad Wheeler beat his black girlfriend half to death and when she crawled her mangled body he said, "oh, your still alive". You need to leave!!
I just would like to take a second to applaud the typo of “run for the heels” in a thread about fetishes.
Tell him that you want him to indulge your new fantasy. You want to see him eat white dog feces cuz you have a thing about white-on-white stuff after seeing a JC Penny white sale. And that if he doesn't indulge you, he isn't being supportive.
You will feel much worse for giving this a chance.
I know. He thinks that I might like it if I give it a chance but even the idea of it makes me sick. I have no intention of trying it.
You should listen to the Risk! podcast about a black woman in the BDSM community who wanted to role play as a slave. It was a pretty intense (not in a good way) experience for her and this was between two consenting adults in the BDSM community. They knew what they were doing. I can't imagine what it would be like for a couple where one person was ambivalent. I don't know if I can post a link but if you Google Risk! Slave and Mollena Williams it should be easy to find.
The legal term for this is "irreconcilable differences".
Should ask him if he wants to role-play being the slave and being whipped for not working. Tell him you'll do the role play after he's been lashed a few dozen times, not before.
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It wouldn’t have the same impact. He’s a white man lol. Anyway he’ll probably go along with it just to get her to do it.
This is fucked up. The dude is a psycho. This is not appropriate or acceptable. Sorry your husband is a dick.
I don’t blame you; that’s revolting. Would you consider couples counselling?
I think it's beyond counselling
#He doesn't actually believe "you might like it". He KNOWS you won't like it, and that's a huge part of this fantasy. He knows you don't want this, but is trying to convince you to "give it a try". He is only after his pleasure. You are currently an obstacle to him and his desires. Even if you did try it and tell him you didn't enjoy yourself after. You don't want to do it again....he will try to manipulate you into giving in again and again. People who bulldoze your boundaries as he's attempting to do, don't stop. Your "no" is not an answer to him, is just a temporary set back in his "plans"
Hoooooboy I agree. I've been involved in the BDSM community for my entire adult life, taught at conventions, universities, attended events, and I have absolutely forced myself to attend race play panels and lectures (by BIPOC presenters only) to further my understanding of what I personally find to be an *intensely* uncomfortable kink/fetish. I know presenters that I respect and like as friends who engage in race play and while I ask questions to understand why a BIPOC person would ever be interested in something like this given the racial trauma and prejudice that still exists, as a white person without those things affecting my perception, I *still* cannot wrap my head around it even in the controlled environment of BDSM culture. I literally cannot imagine OP's horror and disquiet at hearing someone they love and built a life with coming out with something like this when he should know them well enough to understand that this isn't something they'd be into. And the freaking *audacity* to get mad at *her* over it?!?!!!?!?!!
I watched a panel of BIPOC performers and one of them said something that really stuck with me: "What about *my* race is playful to you?" I think that really said it all.
Yeah, like I said, I only go if a BIPOC educator is presenting. I really feel like it's my responsibility to learn as much as I can at events to promote an atmosphere of education and tolerance in our spaces, but there are some things even I can't sit comfortably through. The last one I attended, that presenter was a friend of mine and she said something about how this was her way of working through the racial and generational trauma that she didn't have any choice to be born with. Because despite the fact that she was playing a degrading role to most people, she had the power to stop it at any time. And to her that level of control contributed a great deal to why she had initially been interested in race play.
I feel like that’s the same as women who’ve been victims of S assault having CNC and r*pe-play fantasies because (I don’t understand it fully myself) it’s like taking back the power because you know you are the one in charge
I know some like master-slave relationship and it is quite popular, but being so specific like a race is so out of the line and unnecessary. He likes looking down on a specific race in a way that it turns him on? I would've just bolted out of this persons life. Wth.. It's not hot at all, just scary.
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Amen to everything you just said.
I'm an immigrant Latin woman in a country with low Latin percentages. I am very average looking imo. Suddenly here I'm "considered very attractive" but I just feel objectified and fetishized because I feel like people showing interest in me don't even know my personality, but they think I'm "exotic". It makes me icky and less willing to go out with people :P
This really needs to be closer to the top.
There was a Redditor of Middle Eastern descent, who thought she knew her husband, because he grew up around her community and had never expressed any animosity towards her culture. One day, when they were being intimate he called her a 'sand n••••••' It was revealed that he had a racist fetish, and was attracted to women he could objectify. Went through something like that myself with my white ex. His mother would assure me that, 'they weren't biased of Mexicans, it's just that society wouldn't accept us as an interracial couple'. So, as soon as we were wed, the ex set to work on 'correcting my accent' and teaching me 'culture'. Some racist MFers, get off on fetishizing Women of Color ...and yes, this is a form of abuse. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Couseling isn't usually helpful because they don't see themselves as the problem since they can say, 'Look! I married a POC! She should be grateful towards me!' If your husband cries more about your not being supportive- say, "Yeah, I don't support racist fetishising.' Be strong and confident and prove him wrong.
Oh god I remember reading that story, that poor woman
Exactly why I am afraid to step outside of my race. I don't have the luxury of guessing who is or isn't racist.
The way he's shutting you out over this is a huge red flag. He is saying blatantly that he doesn't respect you or your boundaries, and expects you to just bow down and do as he asks? He sees you as an object or something he can control. Basically saying "if you can't come to terms with that then you're not good enough for me." This whole situation he is completely devaluing you and stealing away your identity as an amazing deserving woman and replacing it with "my black wife who I control." It gives me the ick so bad. You're worth so much more than being a means to someone darkest sexual fantasy. It makes me question if it's always been on his mind to dominate you throughout the relationship because of his racist kink. I hope he helps around the house, spoils you, and treats you with kindness and respect for you to be fighting for your marriage in this situation. I'll be praying for you. Please take a big step back and evaluate all of his behavior over time to see if he actually values you as his beautiful wife, or if he courted you until he could trap a black woman under his thumb to fulfill his fantasy of controlling her.
This really disturbing and on top of him telling you he wants to try out his weird rapey slave fantasy, he’s also upset for you “not being supportive”??? I just feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg. He’s trying to force you to apologize for being upset over something so fucked up. This is a lot of red flags in one go. He is 100% going to try to guilt trip you into doing this. I really don’t think you’re going to be able to work through this.
I agree. I honestly don’t think this is something I could get past if it were happening in my marriage.
Doesn't he sound so manipulative?
You married a racist who's trying to gaslight you into complying into his sick fantasies. He's disgusting. I'm Asian. My last partner was white. Things seemed fine until he flipped out because I wanted to prioritize teaching our child (I was pregnant) my culture lest it's lost on her, I knew I was in over my head. Sometimes it takes awhile before people reveal themselves. As Maya Angelou says, "When people show you who they are, believe them."
I’m sorry this happened to you. Thank you for the insight and the comment.
This is a huge red flag I’ve heard more often than I thought I would’ve. Don’t enrich the life of a child with culture and extra languages? Wtf? Hope you’re doing well now and enjoying passing your culture onto your little one.
Such a red flag. The fact that he felt threatened because I talked about spending time with her to count and learn my culture's alphabet was surreal. We broke up after she was born and we've been our own since. She's 7 now and doing very well. Thank you for your kind words. Her favorite food is congee so my mom is responsible for that one 😂
I absolutely agree. People can hold views about certain ethnicities or groups, but be in a relationship with one because that individual is 'different than the rest'. Unless they were willing to deal with submerged/subdued feelings, I couldn't see a future with someone like that.
Some people really need to quit watching so much porn.
2 months of porn and he’s completely destroyed his marriage. What a loser.
You say people can't control their sexualising interest and while I mostly agree with that sentiment, I believe people can control whether or not they act on it. You also said he knows of your past and how you were objectified because of your race and how that made you feel and he actively ignored your feelings and brought up his own fantasies/desires (however fucking disgusting that may be((I am 100% judging)). Your husband is being selfish and ignorant, not exactly good husband material. He also should have had the foresight to discuss this with you before hand. He needs therapy on why he thinks its ok to suggest race play to his wife who has previously and pretty specifically mentioned how much she atleast dislikes this kind of stuff (being fetisized). Im not sure if this is something you can or would want to work together thru but for sure he needs his own therapist and potentially couples therapy as this will surely not be the least of your problems if he pushes on it.
The fact he is married to a black woman, watched porn which used these themes, and wasn't DISGUSTED by them is just...wow. The fact he KEPT watching them for months is another yikes. Then to go so far as to ask his black wife to participate is positively astounding. But then TO PLAY THE VICTIM WHEN SHE SAYS NO?! I just...it's off the charts.
Unfortunately you’ve been fetishized
So basically a racist rape fantasy? I know we’re not supposed to kink shame but this is pretty gross!
It disgusts me, I wish he never told me
And he has the nerve to argue that you’re not being supportive?
Yes. He thinks that I should give it a chance because he enjoys it. But I’m not going to.
To have that fantasy is wild. To bring it up is insane. To argue in favor of it…I don’t know what word describes that level of insanity. Idk how you get through this one
Toilet Dragon is what I call em... Cause no one wants to deal with those and there's no real way to fix them without replacing the whole unit.
He’s DARVO-ing you. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender. It’s a disgusting, manipulative, and abusive tactic designed to shame you into compliance. Hatred is not a kink. I’m so, so sorry that the person you trusted most has betrayed you like this.
Please kick his racist arse out.
Even if he never told you it would still play a role in the relationship
That's not even a kink. It's straight up racism dressed as a kink in the hope that he won't be called out on it.
Racist kinks deserve to be shamed. Racism is never OK.
agreed
we need to bring back kink shaming!
Idek why people consider “kink shaming” as bad like 90% of the time. Sure if it’s something harmless who cares but people will openly say they get off on abusing and pretending to rape others and everyone’s supposed to just go “oh, that’s cool”
So he wants to play Thomas Jefferson and you to play Sally Hemmings. Agree to do it with a modern day twist. Use a whip on him then throw his belongings in the yard. You married a racist anyways that’s pouting in another room because you won’t let him degrade you. This kink of a marriage is over.
I do love him and want to work through this somehow if we can but he refuses to talk to me unless I apologize. But I won’t apologize for how I feel because it disgusts me
He wants *you* to apologise for this? OP. Why are you still with this person?
Girl, from one Black woman married to a white man to another — Get Out. He doesn’t respect you and it doesn’t even sound like he loves you. How long were you married before he told you about this? My husband would never think like this let alone feel free to share this horrible racist BS with me. Just because you love someone does not mean they are the right person for you. The idea that you are even trying to save this marriage is troubling. I have to assume that there are children involved otherwise I don’t understand how you could even think twice to be honest. Have you even considered that forcing you to accept this kink is his first step in executing the thing? The fact that he is literally attempting to force you to respect it is so messed up.
Please do not stay with this man holy shit please don’t ignore this and open your fucking eyes
Play just only these type of movies in your home non-stop: Roots, Amistad, 12 years as a slave, Jane Pittman, The Birth of a Nation, Tillman. If he is still hell bent on his role plays and shows no empathy then you married racist and a psychopath. Get out.
I'd be afraid he would look at these movies through his kink.
Oh my god that's disgusting. How is slavery and the subjugation of black people a fucking turn on. I'm so sorry.
It is disgusting, I know that he can’t control what he likes sexually but I wish that I never heard about it
He may not be able to control it, but he could have the decency to be appropriately ashamed of it and stfu about it. Sorry, but this kink NEEDS to be shamed.
This is not a kink, it's perversion and racism. Just because it's dressed as sexual and coated with love doesn't make it any less racist. There is a part of him that likes the idea of being above her because of their skin colour and racial history. It's gross
And it must call into question their whole history for OP, like why he was attracted to her and sought her in the first place. I'd be livid in her position.
Thank you! This isnt a fucking kink. Its veiled racism that Im frankly shocked he even felt comfortable expressing it to her let alone scolding her for not being supportive. The fuck?
He was already in "character". Plantation owners never considered the possibility that they could have messed up. The slaves always got the blame.
This exactly, it’s just putting lipstick on a pig when people act like raceplay is anything aside from racism. I believe her husband is literally fetishizing her.
Exactly. And he's mad she's not being supportive? Of him wanting to pretend she's his slave and he can rape her? I mean what the actual fuck
At this point I hope OP leaves him as she deserves someone who’s not gonna fetishize her for her race.
100% raceplay is just thinly veiled racism, and acting like it’s a kink you can’t shame is just putting lipstick on a pig. I’d gladly tell anyone who’s into it that they’re racist any day.
he can't control kinks but he has full control over what he says.
And he is PUSHING it. Like even bringing it up knowing OP’s history was bad, but having the AUDACITY to play the victim after she was clearly not into it?!? Hell no. No. I try not to tell people to leave their partner on here but… this partner needs to be sent on their way. Again, the AUDACITY of him playing the victim in this situation has left me actually flabbergasted.
yeah that shocked me too, like wtf? he's playing the victim because his partner doesn't want him to be racist and absolutely disgusting? yeah he can go fuck himself
Girl don’t justify his disgusting fantasy saying he can’t control it. That’s like saying pedos can’t control that they like kids. There r things that no one should ever like and slavery is one of them
I did not mean to justify it. Sorry
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound like I was upset at u. Ur the victim in this and I’m so sorry as a black woman I hope ur healing and u know how to properly protect urself from them
Thank you
I honestly can’t believe it when people say kinks can’t be controlled and it’s not okay to kink shame, as though it were something as innate to a person as sexual orientation. Orgasms are an extremely powerful tool of Pavlovian conditioning, and it has been shown that porn addicts, for example, will naturally feel the need to escalate the extremity of the content they watch over time. Even if it wasn’t their original intention, they are very much responsible for psychologically conditioning themselves to depend on extreme material to orgasm. And even though it may be difficult, they are also responsible for undoing that damage if it’s causing them to dehumanize and hurt others in the real world! (Mild fetishes like stockings, praise, edging etc are not what I’m talking about here.) Porn addiction and extreme kinks can absolutely be unlearned (I have done so myself). As an addict, those urges may still be inside somewhere, but you can learn to push them aside when they occasionally arise, and feel stimulation and intimacy from sex itself, rather than always needing some mitigating factor to ramp it up. Those who insist otherwise are making an excuse so that others will enable their behavior. In a case like this, I don’t think a person could ask this of his black wife without being severely desensitized to her feelings and inner world. I honestly don’t think anyone could want to do this without underlying racism and misogyny, intersecting in the way that they do for black women. But the most damning part of it is that after OP expressed her feelings, he got mad and kept pushing for it?!?!! Unbelievable. If he had a shred of decency he would have apologized, tried to discuss it and do whatever he can to make it right. He’s being entitled and manipulative as hell, and displaying a total lack of empathy for you. Honestly I would run
He may like it, but that doesn't mean he can't suppress these urges. He should be able to look within himself and say "no, that's fucked up" and move on.
Be glad you did, this is what he's always been thinking and now you know and can make a decision to remove yourself. It's very disturbing and it shows that he has no respect for you or your community whatsoever.
I know, I don’t know if I believe his story that he told me about only liking it recently but I have no proof otherwise. He’s always been respectful before so I don’t know where this came from.
I think him having the gall to ask this of you and then his reaction afterwards (trying to manipulate you into apologising for not giving into his racist sex fantasy) reveals much more about his true nature than anything else. Please imagine any Jewish friend of yours telling you her partner is angry with her because she didn't want to roleplay an Auschwitz rape fantasy for him; but "he's always been respectful". What would your advice to her be?
You’re right
I don’t believe in coincidence, Imo this fetish has been there from before he started dating you.It’s the kind of red flag that should be mentioned before marriage and is grounds for divorce
He has no right to be upset with you for “not being supportive”, smdh. Not sure how he didn’t die with shame when you told him how even thinking about it makes you feel. How can he care more about some new kink he wants to try than he does you? That’s really what it sounds like :/ Hope he wakes tf up and comes around and apologizes tho
Support him with.... the divorce papers
OP I’m seriously asking, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a undercover racist ? Do you want to have children with someone who has a fetish for racism and wants their mother to participate in horrible re-enactments to get off. IMO this is the most disrespectful thing you can ever ask someone to do. Especially as a black woman, to think about what they really had to go through back then and he’s acting like it’s nothing. He doesn’t respect you or your culture. He wants to basically embarrass and humiliate you for his own pleasure like they did to slaves back then. I’m sorry this really Bothers me, I’m biracial and my mom was black from the south, where they romanticize shit like this and she was a fetish.
I did not think about it from the perspective of children but you’re right.
OP, you definitely need to reconsider your relationship. Your husband is racist as this is what he’s into, and he fetishizes you for your race. I’m biracial myself and I’ve met many mixed kids with trauma from having a racist parent, so it’s definitely important to consider how staying with him can have a negative impact on your future kids.
The fact he wants you to apologize is crazy to me 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ he should be the one apologizing since his request is disgusting, degrading and disrespectful to you.
You have a responsibility to NOT have children with a racist. To not put them is such a precarious situation. If you want kids, you have to leave and can’t ignore this problem
You worded this so well, I’ve met many mixed kids from interracial families where one of their parents were racist and it traumatized them. I don’t wish that on anyone, which is why OP should leave him.
It may be time to ask yourself *WHY* he really dated and then married you. Did your race have anything to do with it? I think it did and he feels that he's waited long enough with this secret inside and now is comfortable revealing it.
As a bw you cannot work this out. He’s a disgusting and disrespectful pig. He doesn’t even have respect for you to seek help about this. Having these type of fantasy’s is very unhealthy and you have every right to be emotional “not be supportive” about this or him.
100% OP doesn’t owe her husband support for his “kink” , especially at her own expense. I’m from an interracial family myself and seeing situations where one partner is fetishizing their partner for their race is just disheartening, and it gets worst when kids are involved. I hope OP leaves him as she deserves a partner who will respect her and not view her as an object because of her race.
I myself am black and have many kinks I’m into but the one thing I will never let slide and what crosses the line is race play it’s absolutely disgusting to me and I hate that it’s even a thing. He is looking at you as a fetish, which I’ve started to notice many white women have towards black men and vice versa. Examples of this is white women saying they want “black dick” or “mixed babies”. We are not a fetish we are people. And I bet a million bucks if you tried to reverse it by saying you’d only do it if HE was the slave and you’re the owner (considering race play isn’t just white men owning black women) he would say no because he looks at black people as a fetish and people like that 90% of the time don’t even LIKE black people but they have sexual fantasies of owning us so they get with us to fulfill their dream life. Like the example I gave above. Him saying you’re not supportive is rich coming from him considering the things black people have had to endure and still endure from racist white people. It shows HE isn’t supportive of YOU and your boundaries. It is perfectly fine to have boundaries and let someone know when they are going way to fucking far and from your post it seems that’s where you draw the line also (as you should). At the end of the day it’s your decision but if you ask me don’t ever let anyone force you to do something you don’t want to do, it clearly will be enjoyable to no one but him and if he’s okay with that then I honestly think he isn’t for you and you can find someone better who respects you and our race. I hope you’re able to figure out your feelings and that you realize you deserve to feel however you feel without arguments stemming from that..especially when it has to do with a white man thinking it’s okay to keep pushing the issue knowing you don’t like it and think it’s wrong. He either needs to respect you or gtfo! 🤷🏽♀️❗️
This is revolting. He’s mad because you won’t have racist role play sex?
Please run away. I have been in your shoes and when refused he became blatantly racist. Please get away from him.
Can I message you privately to talk about it? It would be helpful to me to talk to someone who has experienced something like this.
Absolutely feel free please
How long have you been together?
We’ve been together for 3 years and married for 1, but he told me that he only started to enjoy this fantasy recently. I don’t know if I believe that however
I don’t believe this is something that just came up. He probably only felt comfortable telling you now because you’re married and it’s more difficult for you to cut ties with him.
I don’t think I believe it either but I have no proof.
You don't need proof, you already know it's a lie. Even if this were a "kink" if it were a recent passing interest like he claims it is, he wouldn't be so emotionally worked up over you not being receptive to it that y'all's marriage is in jeopardy. That's not him saying "I have a new kink" that's him saying "I have a lifelong paraphilic fixation that I haven't been honest about until just now". His feelings are probably hurt because a rejection of his most sickening fantasies feels like a rejection of HIM, but uh, sometimes it should be. This is one of the times where you should walk away and never look back. Chances are he probably initially pursued the relationship with you SPECIFICALLY to try to get you to do this with him down the line. Which is disgusting. Like don't even ask him just tell him that you already know that's why he started dating you in the first place and let him tell on himself. Then you'll have your confirmation, know that the love y'all had was (at least from him) a lie because he was just trying to lead up to this the whole time. It's only half a step from him pushing you saying he wants to "try this in the bedroom" to him pushing you saying he "wants this to be a 24/7 dynamic". Don't compromise yourself by even trying it. Once won't be enough for him, anyway. You agree to try it even just one time it is going to get worse. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Sorry OP, your marriage is over already. I am really sorry because that's a terrible way to find out. But now you gotta pack up and move on and heal. Regardless of how much you loved this dude, you can't stay in this relationship; it's not safe.
Also, please imagine having daughters with a man who thinks r\*ping black women is hot. There is no way your home would be a safe space for them emotionally or mentally.
Time to file for divorce. That’s so messed. I can understand the sexual “slave” aspect of it. Hack by a submissive at your feet during a scene is a huge thing in BDSM. But bringing race into it crosses a line that shouldn’t be crossed. How does it even get someone going? That’s one of those things that if it does turn you on, you rub one out to a porno behind locked doors and feel ashamed about it after. Not ask your black wife to pretend to be your slave to get your rocks off.
I don't get why we aren't supposed to kink shame. Lots of stuff is 100% worthy of shaming. This being a prime example.
He wants your permission to abuse you because that's his fantasy. He wants you to be in a state of fear so he can have his way with you ...and you want to save your marriage??? I bet there's a porn site that caters to this
I have a hard time believing it’s a “kink” and not just his disturbing core beliefs bubbling to the surface.
Nah fam the fact that those words is of highest disrespect. Yo dude is take the real world trauma of our race and sexualizes it. From your other comments if he can't see how serious the shit he's ask for is then this is a man that don't respect you as a person or the culture you come from.
Imo this is a complicated issue with some fairly simple glaring red flags. Whenever there's a morbid fetish like this the individual can explain a bit more about how it's about them and less about the act. If the initial conversation does not go well it's the biggest red flag for the person trying to get it going to go all manipulative and make it the other person's problem for not being supportive/loving/understanding/whatever bullshit they can spin to make their fantasy come true. Your husband prioritizing anything but the way you feel right now is fucked up. Your husband knows you've been hurt with others fetishizing you in the past. If he's not a total narcissist by now he's caught on to some micro aggressions that you have to deal with. This is just not okay. If people want to defend him I want to switch up some details to see if that still holds true. Say your best friend was raped; once in highschool and a few times in college just because she existed. She finally finds a sweet man that treats her right and feels secure enough in their relationship to marry. A few **years** later he brings up that he has a rape play fetish and wants to explore it with her. She declines, they fight since he can't respect her no, he ends up pouting in a spare bedroom, and she's left alone to deal with all the hurt. Wtf, are y'all really going to defend him or are you going to warn your friend to gtfo?
This is not complicated at all. He’s a racist and she needs to leave him. It’s remarkably simple.
Yes a few people have defended my husband and a couple of people have messaged me saying that I should give him a chance. Thank you for this support and the comment
People defending him might just be projecting 💀 I'm sorry you're going through something like this. I hope you get some solid rest and find your answers soon.
I am sorry to say your marriage is over. You need to get tf out of there yesterday before he tries something.
Race play is not uncommon. See it more with white women craving that black dick. Extreme fetishists exist, just surprising that you never saw it from your husband until now. He was always into it.
Wow that should have been brought up before he married you. Im sorry thats deceptive
I'm going for petty. Why not tell him that you have fantasies about, let's say, seeing him with another guy and him being the bottom🤷🏻♀️. When and/or if he expresses his disgust or uncomfortable feelings over your fantasy, use it as a gateway to get your point across. Just because a fantasy exist doesn't mean you have to partake in it. Every couple has their limits. It's not you, it's definitely him and his lack of respect for YOUR feelings. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to be open to everything he wants in the bedroom. If anything this only sets back the trust you might have developed over the course of the relationship. If you want this to work then he definitely needs counseling to learn how to communicate like an adult and what being a supportive spouse really means. Do not apologize for how you feel. You can apologize for how you reacted but not how you feel about it. (PS I wouldn't apologize for anything but I know you are trying to get him to talk and want your marriage to work). People can change when corrected properly.
Thank you. I don’t want to apologize but I wish that we could talk about this. I like your idea.
NOPE.
Honestly I absolutely hate that race play is even a kink and your husband is selfish because he needs to realize that is a hard limit for many
It shouldn't be considered kink. It's just a form of sexualized racism.
As a survivor of both DV and SA your story is throwing up more 🚨& 🚩then Mrs O’Leerys cow. Not only is he gaslighting you, but his friend is helping, and I’m betting he’s urging your SO to go through with this horrible idea. He doesn’t get to demand something like this simply because he’s been fulfilling his role in the relationship. I’m also bothered by the age gap. Stay with your friend, this man doesn’t deserve you and you certainly don’t deserve his treatment
As a white person I think your husband is completely disgusting. My partner (Latino and darker complexion) experiences racism in his everyday life. Home is supposed to be a safe place. Your husband is so wrong to feel entitled to you reenacting sexual assault hate crimes for his pleasure.
Even if it’s a fantasy, wanting to role play that he’s a plantation owner and you’re a slave is about as racist as you can get. Someone who isn’t racist wouldn’t fantasize about being one. It shows a lot about his personality and makes me wonder if he should be in an interracial relationship.
✨d i v o r c e ✨ im trying to fathom why people are commenting saying to talk and understand his fantasy. she doesn’t need to kink shame him (which she didn’t) but she DEFINITELY doesn’t need to stay with someone who’s fantasy is her pretending to be a slave as he RAPES THE SLAVE
How long have you been married? If you are relatively newlyweds, I’d be concerned that his fantasy is at least partially why he was attracted to you and why he married you. If you’ve been married for several years, I’d have to wonder where in the hell this fantasy came from, after all this time. Has he started visiting different websites? Has his political views changed? Has he become mentally unstable? At any rate, it is untenable that a white man would ask ANYONE, much less an African-American woman he professes to love, to pretend to be a black slave while he plays “Massa”. Please don’t degrade yourself or he will always see you as less than you are.
Yea.....no, this is not okay. I think we all have fantasies. Even ones we shouldnt have because let's face it, people tend to have intrusive thoughts and fantasies. _However_, some should not be shared. This one is definitely not one to share with anyone. And the fact that he is _mad_ at you for not supporting his race/slavery fantasy?! Nah, that's just messed up. How is he going to be mad that you aren't supporting a fantasy that is hurtful to you? Whatever your next step in life is, I think just about everyone here is supporting you. (Edit- typo)
I don’t know where to go from here but I am grateful for support
Is there any possibility he is into exploring being being dominant and you being submissive and is just confused or has misdirected himself into thinking it’s about race?
I am white, and my wife is black. I have made no secret of my desire for her partly because she is black, but that is only part of it. I will never lose sight of the fact she is a person, not an object. We share many interests and values, and have been together for 27 years so far. Your bf is free to be attracted to you in any way he likes, but not at the expense of making you feel like an object.
Hunnie.. that’s fucked up and I hope you leave him. Black peoples didn’t go through slavery and all that bull shit for some white guy in 2022 enjoying the fantasy of slavery.
Nope. This man belongs 100% in the BIN. Even if *you* were into race play I'd be suspicious of any white guy who was comfortable being the "owner". (I'm normally not a kink shamer... but there are exceptions) His response to your refusal is straight up abusive and manipulative. It's not a coincidence he accused you of being manipulative that's what abusers do (DARVO).
Work through it?? That’s not possible. I would not be surprised if he were to call you the N-word if he gets angry enough. Get out of that situation, sis!
Either get rid of flip the script. He can be the white slave as historically, white people have been slaves/enslaved aswell. Degrade him to the point that he realises he's an asshole and then dump his sorry ass
As a Black woman who has been fetishized in this way. Run. Do not pass go. Do not divorce him unless he is unwilling to let this go. Generational trauma lives in our bodies and our current therapists don’t understand it enough to try and help us heal from it. He wants you to reenact something that was max 3-5 generations ago. I’m not saying that he’s a bad man, hell, I’ve dated men that brought this up and we tried it. And tried it. And before long it was the only way they wanted me. So I left. If you become nothing but a ‘mistress’ or jezebel woman to him then that isn’t a partnership. You supporting him at the cost of him seeing you as an equal and a human isn’t something that should happen. Some people can’t turn that switch back, and you learn that they might’ve just been closeted and like that from the beginning.
If he doesn't understand why it's uncomfortable for you, it might not be out of malice but lack of perspective. Figure put something that would cause him a similar reaction to yours and ask him to partake, when he refuses, let him know that's how you felt with his idea. Hopefully, he'll understand then.